Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2017

Reports: Swansea Close In On Loan Deal For Bayern Munich Midfielder Renato Sanches

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In what could be one of the deals of the transfer window, reports suggest that Swansea City are close to signing Bayern Munich schemer Renato Sanchez in a season-long long deal.

Sanches only joined Bayern from Benfica last May in a deal worth€35m. The 20-year-old went on to make 25 appearances for the Bundesliga giants while he also played a key role in Portugal's Euro 2016 success.

Liverpool Agree £40m Deal To Sign Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain From Arsenal, Six-Year Contract On The Table

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Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain isn't likely to be an Arsenal player for much longer with the breaking news this evening that Liverpool have reached a £40million agreement to take him off the Gunners' hands.

It was reported earlier in the day that Oxlade-Chamberlain rejected a move to Chelsea for fears he'd be stationed at wing-back.

Brazil: Neymar, Dani Alves, Marcelo & Thiago Silva Enjoy Lively Game Of ‘Foot-Table-Head-Tennis-Ball’ In Dressing Room (Video)

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The Brazilian national team are currently congregated at the Beira Rio Stadium in Porto Alegre, where the Selecao are limbering up for a World Cup qualifier against Ecuador on Friday evening.

After their morning session, several of the squad kept things ticking over by pairing off to take part in a little impromptu skill challenge in the dressing room.

‘Are You Actually Gareth Bale?’ – Young Fan Curtis Meets His Absolute Idol At Wales Training Session (Video)

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With a couple of World Cup qualifiers against Austria and Moldova in the offing, the Wales squad spent Tuesday limbering up at their training centre in Cardiff.

The Welsh FA also invited a select group of young fans down to the session to interact with their idols, including Curtis, who couldn't quite get his head around the fact that he was stood next to the real Gareth Bale!

Reports: West Brom Very Close To Completing Shock Loan Deal For PSG Evacuee Grzegorz Krychowiak

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In one of the more brow-furrowing developments of the transfer window, West Brom are closing in on the signing of Grzegorz Krychowiak from PSG.

According to John Percy in the Telegraph, the Polish defensive midfielder is currently in the West Midlands to undergo at medical at the Baggies...

Official: Kieran Gibbs Joins West Brom On Permanent Deal After 13 Years At Arsenal (Photo)

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Photo: @WBA/Twitter

After Watford pulled out yesterday, West Brom have swooped in and wrapped up a deal to sign Kieran Gibbs from Arsenal.

The initial fee is reported to be £5million, rising to a potential £7million in add-ons, et cetera.

Gibbs, 27, has signed a four-year contract and will wear the No.

Tottenham: Serge Aurier Free To Enter UK After New French Court Ruling ‘Downgrades’ Assault Conviction

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Last time we dipped in, Tottenham were progressing nicely with their efforts to sign Serge Aurier from PSG.

Indeed, the Evening Standard had it that the Ivory Coast international defender had tentatively agreed a five-year contract with Spurs, with the piffling matter of him not being legally allowed to enter the UKbeing the only hitch holding up the transfer.

Obsessed: Some Liverpool Fans Are Conducting Forensic-Level Private Investigations Into Virgil Van Dijk Transfer Rumours

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With this current transfer season proving sillier than ever, it's perhaps understandable that some football fans have been driven to the very edge of lunacy by the constant whirling maelstrom of bullshit.

Indeed, it would appear that a handful of Liverpool fans though they are far from alone in their endeavours have been pouring hundreds of man-hours into conducting their own private investigations into the club's ongoing pursuit of Virgil van Dijk.

Reports: Man City Eager To Nab Alexis Sanchez From Arsenal Before Deadline, Lodge ‘Player-Plus-Cash Offer’ Including Raheem Sterling

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Word on the gossip wire this morning is that Man City are getting increasingly eager to push through a deal for Alexis Sanchez before the transfer window closes this coming Thursday.

Indeed, City are reportedly plotting a "last ditch" effort to sign Sanchez, with reports this morning that the club have lodged a "player-plus-cash offer" for the Chilean that would see Raheem Sterling included in the bartering.

Reports: Chelsea Strike £35m Deal With Arsenal To Sign Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain

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Chelsea are gearing up to sign Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain from Arsenal after the two clubs reportedly agreed a fee of £35million over the Bank Holiday weekend.

With one year remaining on his current contract, Arsenal reached an impasse with Oxlade-Chamberlain recently when the 24-year-old rejected their final offer, supposedly worth around £180,000-a-week silly money for a man who's scored just nine league goals in six seasons.

Official: Stoke City Sign Tottenham Cast-Off Kevin Wimmer In £18m Deal (Photo)

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Kevin does it the Wimmer way (Photo: @stokecity/Twitter)

Stoke City have announced the signing of Kevin Wimmer from Tottenham in a deal worth a not-insignificant £18million.

Having made just 15 league appearances for Spurs since joining from Cologne two summers ago, the Austrian centre-back has decided to cut his losses and move on, signing a five-year contract with the Potters.

Weird Scenes: Romania Coach Christoph Daum Offered Fishing Rod By Journalist In Middle Of Press Conference (Video)

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You'll struggle to find an international coach more fiercely at odds with his national press than Romania boss Christoph Daum.

During a media conference just a couple of months ago, Daum was so enraged at the continued attempts to undermine his position that heflew into an apoplectic rage in which he claimed several times that he a 63-year-old German man was "more Romanian" that the entire Romanian press.

‘Living In Your Light’ – Celebrating Youri Djorkaeff’s Oft-Overlooked Urban Pop Banger, Released In 2000 (Video)

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Youri Djorkaeff will undoubtedly be chiefly remembered as, a) one of the most gifted players in one of the most gilded generations of French football history, and, b) a bona fide Bolton Wanderers club legend.

However, you may not be aware that the midfielder was also, c) responsible for one of the most sensual and erotically-charged pop hits of the early 21st century.

Quite Right: Mario Mandzukic Wins UEFA 2017 Goal Of The Season Award For Stupendous Overhead Kick Against Real Madrid In Champions League Final

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After Mario Mandzukic was controversially pipped to the 2017 Champions League Goal of the Season award, UEFA have bestowed their overall 2017 Goal of the Season trinket to the Juventus striker for his superb overhead effort against Real Madrid in the final.

Despite the ball not touching the ground in the build up and being scored against Real Madrid in the final and all, Mandzukic was beaten to the Champions League goal of the season award byBesiktas striker Cenk Tosun, whose similarly acrobatic effort against Benfica in the group stages took 41% of UEFA's online poll.

Cack-Footed: Ousmane Dembele Rivals Paulinho For Skill And Trickery While ‘Freestyling’ At Barcelona Unveiling (Video)

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Just as Paulinho recently wowed the crowd with a stunning display of six kick-ups in a row, Ousmane Dembele, Barcelona's new club record signing, decided to seize the chance and show the Barcelona fans exactly what he's all aboutduring his grand unveiling.

Mere days after joining the Catalan club in a £96million deal, the 20-year-old French forward dazzled his audience with a quick burst of fleet-footed magic.

PSG Tease ‘Grand Announcement’ And Troll Thousands Of Their Own Fans Over Imminent Kylian Mbappe Transfer

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Continuing on the quest to become the biggest yuppie trolls in world football, PSG have trolled thousands of their own fans over the imminent arrival of one Kylian Mbappe.

With a convoluted, FFP-defying £166million 'loan' move for Mbappe now reported to be on the verge of completion, the Parisians roped in a willing accomplice in the guise of right-back Thomas Meunier to break news of a 'grand announcement' being made by his club on Twitter at 12:30pm on Monday.

‘I’d Stick Them All On The Transfer List’ – Gary Neville Delivers Excellent, Venomous Post-Mortem Of Arsenal’s Meek Display Against Liverpool

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There's no two ways about it, Arsenal were at their gossamer-thin worst against Liverpool on Saturday, with Arsene Wenger's expensively-assembled melange of meek and mild succumbing to a 4-0 defeat at Anfield.

Of course, a palid Arsenal performance is nothing but good news for the pundits and co-commentators of the world who, wide-eyed and partially inebriated by their blood-thirst, were gifted yet another chance to clamber over themselves and begin tearing strips of easy meat off the carcass laid so readily before them.

Liverpool: Rampant Reds Demolish Sorry Arsenal At Anfield (Video)

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Liverpool produced a superb attacking display against Arsenal at Anfield on Sunday, with the Reds putting four past the Gunners.

Arsenal started with Alexis Sanchez for the first time this season, but from start to finish, they were utterly shambolic.

Liverpool, on the other hand, were sharp and fleet-footed and took the lead on 17 minutes, with Roberto Firmino heading home Joe Gomez's centre.

Chelsea: Morata On Target As Blues Cruise To Victory Over Everton At Stamford Bridge (Video)

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Chelsea cruised to a 2-0 win at home to Everton on Sunday, with Alvaro Morata the star of the show.

The Spaniard set up fellow countryman Cesc Fabregas on 27 minutes, with the former Arsenal man firing into the bottom corner via a superb finish.

The hosts dominated the game from start to finish, with Everton rarely threatening Thibaut Courtois' goal.

Shocker: Miguel Britos Sees Red For Horror Lunge As Brighton Secure First-Ever Premier League Point v Watford (Video)

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At the third time of asking, new-boys Brighton finally broke their duck in the Premier League, returning from Vicarage Road with a share of the points.

However, the Seagulls will be disappointed not to have picked up a win, with Watford playing most of the game with 10 men after Miguel Britos was sent off for a shocking tackle on Anthony Knockaert.

Man Utd: Red Devils Extend Winning Start With 2-0 Win Over Leicester (Video)

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Manchester United kept alive their 100% start to the new Premier League season after a hard-fought win against Leicester at Old Trafford.

The Red Devils dominated the game but struggled to find a way past the Leicester backline, with Harry Maguire and Kasper Schemichel both superb for the Foxes.

Raheem Sterling Sent Off After Grabbing 97th-Min Winner For Man City In 2-1 Win Over Bournemouth (Photos & Video)

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Mike Dean once again ensured he was centre stage as Man City's dramatic 2-1 win over Bournemouth ended in scenes of utter pandemonium.

Having gone behind to an early Charlie Daniels half-volley screamer, City clawed themselves back level minutes later through Gabriel Jesus.

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The match seemed destined to finish 1-1 when the board went up to inform everybody present that an extra five minutes of injury time had been tacked onto the second half.

Mighty Wallop: Charlie Daniels Scores Roaring Half-Volley To Put Bournemouth Ahead Against Man City (Video)

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Just 13 minutes had elapsed when Charlie Daniels put Bournemouth ahead against Man City at the Vitality Stadium in the Premier League's early kick-off.

With the ball bobbling loose on the left-hand edge of the City box, left-back Daniels sent it right back where it came from with a walloping half-volley that pinged in off the underside of the crossbar.

Official: Barcelona Make Ousmane Dembele Second-Most Expensive Footballer Ever, Less Than Two Years Into His Senior Career

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Barcelona have completed the signing of Ousmane Dembele from Borussia Dortmund in a deal worth an eye-swivelling €105million (around £98million).

Dembele has agreed a five-year deal that contains add-ons which could inflate the final fee beyond the€150million (£138million) mark.

That means that, in the space of just 719 days, the young French forward has gone from making his senior career debut to becoming the second most expensive footballer of all time which is, of course, utter lunacy.

Gylfi Sigurdsson Honks One In From 50-Yards As Everton Mosey Into Europa League Group Stage (Photo & Video)

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Everton moseyed into the Europa League group stage as a 50-yard stunner from Gylfi Sigurdsson secured a 3-1 aggregate win over Hajduk Split in the play-offs.

Making his first full start for the Toffees since his £45million move from Swansea, Sigurdsson chased down a loose ball and let rip from way out on the flank to score less than a minute after the start of the second half.

Official: West Brom Sign Sprightly Winger Oliver Burke From RB Leipzig In £15m Deal (Photo)

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Photo: West Brom

West Brom have pulled off a mildly interesting signing by bringing in young Scottish international Oliver Burke from RB Leipzig on a permanent deal.

The fee involved is reported to be around £15million, roughly akin to that recouped by Nottingham Forest when Burke left for Leipzig at the start of last season.

Retro Football: Bryan Robson Resplendent In Triple Denim For ‘Easy Jeans’ Modelling Gig, 1980s (Photos)

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Bryan Robson was a formidable player in his Manchester United pomp, sturdy of thigh and steely of conviction as he patrolled midfields the length and breadth of the land.

However, away from the hustle and bustle of football, Robson was a man who favoured comfort one look at his taste in gentlemen's leisure knitwear proves as much.

Europa League Group Stage Draw: Arsenal And Everton Get Tough, But Not Insurmountable Draws In Monaco…

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Henrik Larsson and Eric Abidal have done UEFA's bidding in Monaco and the draw for the 2017/18 Europa League group stage has been completed.

Fans of tired old smutty puns will no doubt by glad to learn that Arsenal will need to master BATE if they want to finish first in Group H, which also contains Cologne and Red Star Belgrade.

Football Tat: Newcastle Fan Who Punched A Police Horse, Immortalised In Oil Painting Form (Photo)

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Back in 2013, Newcastle fan Barry Rogerson assured himself of a place in Geordie Valhalla by squaring up to a police horse amid a city-centre skirmish that broke out after a fractious Tyne-Wear derby match at St James' Park.

Barry later apologised for thumping Bud the wonder-horse, claiming his medication was to blame and that he'd never intentionally hurt an animal as he owns some fish of his own.

Champions League Group Stage Draw: Tottenham Buggered From The Off, Chelsea Get Atletico, Man Utd Pooled With Benfica…

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The deed is done. The draw for the Champions League 2017/18 group stage has been conducted and, latterly, completed.

There'll be five English representatives mixing it in the groups for the first time in the tournament's history, with Chelsea, Man City, Tottenham, Manchester United and Liverpool all in there Arsenal, of course, being conspicuous by their absence.

England Squad: Harry Maguire And Nathaniel Chalobah Earn First Senior Call-Ups For Qualifiers Against Malta And Slovakia

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We're two games into the season so naturally this provides a perfect point to break off for two interminably dull weeks of international football.


Still, sincere congratulations are due to Harry Maguire and Nathaniel Chalobah, who have all played their way into an England senior squad for the first time.

‘I United It’ – Zlatan Ibrahimovic Announces Man Utd Return With Typical, Understated Humility (Photo & Video)

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Not that it was ever in much doubt, it looks like Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be returning to pick up where he left off at Manchester United.

The veteran forward finished last season as United's top goalscorer despite seeing his campaign prematurely curtailed by a gnarly knee injury suffered in mid-April.

‘They Bid For Jean Michael Seri Just To F**k With Barcelona’ – PSG Are Really Doing A Number On Their New Footballing Nemeses

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In their quest to establish a new order in the world football hierarchy, PSG have seemingly made it their modus operandi to gnaw away at Barcelona's pedestal.

Having already impudently triggered a £200million release clause to purloin of one of Barca's most bankable assets in Neymar, it would appear that PSG are now intent on undermining all of the Catalan side's future transfer dealings too.

Champions League Play-Off: Hoffenheim Fan Prioritises Dental Hygiene As Liverpool Swan Into Group Stage (Photos & Video)

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Pull your shorts up young man!

The Premier League will have five teams competing in the Champions League group stage for the first time ever after Liverpool sauntered past Hoffenheim in the second leg of their play-off at Anfield last night.

After emerging from Germany with a 2-1 win in the first leg, a four-goal glut in the second ensured that Jurgen Klopp's merry band of jesters made the aggregate cut.

Sponsored Post: Betting On Kalvin Phillips In The Transfer Window

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This is a SPONSORED POST written by Best Betting Sites (We have to pay the bills.)

Photo via BBC Sport

Kalvin Phillips Could be Hot Property in Final Days of Transfer Window

This year's transfer window has been crazier than ever. In part, it is down to the £200 million Neymar deal, which has dominated the front pages as well as the back, but there have been plenty of other big stories in the Premiership and across Europe.

Liga MX: The View From Upper Tier Of Monterrey’s Bancomer Stadium Is Quite Breathtaking (Photo)

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Opened in 2015, Monterrey's BBVA Bancomer Stadium has already earned the nickname 'ElGigante de Acero' (The Steel Giant) among fans and it's not hard to see why.

The 52,000-seater arena squats on a green plateau outside the city of Guadelupe and features a gleaming undulating design, but that's nothing compared to the spectacular view from the upper tiers.

119 England Caps And Out: Wayne Rooney Announces International Retirement After 14 Years At The Coal Face

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It's been coming for a while, but Wayne Rooney has announced that, as of today, he is officially retired from international duty with England.

Rooney met with Gareth Southgate earlier in the week to discuss taking part in England's upcoming games against Malta and Slovakia, but politely turned down the call-up in favour of bowing out and giving somebody else a crack at it.

Barcelona ‘Announce Signing Of Angel Di Maria’ After Twitter Account Hacked Overnight

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Just for one hot, sticky moment, it looked like Barcelona had retaliated to PSG's recent hostile pinching of Neymar by snaffling one of their main attacking talents in return.

Indeed, quite out of the blue, fans were shocked to see Barca reveal the signing of Angel Di Maria via their official Twitter account of Tuesday night.

Reports: Barcelona To Make Final Take-It-Or-Leave-It Offer Of £138m For Philippe Coutinho, And Liverpool Would Be Bonkers To Reject It…

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Word on the wire today is that Barcelona are cobbling together one final take-it-or-leave-it offer for Philippe Coutinho, reportedly worth £138million with £100million paid upfront.

The colossal bid would constitute Barca's fourth official attempt to coax Liverpool into parting with their man, with the Catalans prepared to walk away from the negotiating table and pursue other targets should their advances be rejected this time.

Football Tat: There’s Something Slightly Amiss About The ‘Official Season Ticket Wallet’ On Sale In Leeds United’s Club Shop (Photo)

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Available now in the Leeds United club shop, it's the official leather season ticket wallet complete with rogue Arsenal badge for all your confusing, inter-club season ticket storage needs...

Photo: @LeedsLS12/Twitter

A professional football club palming off shoddy, inferior, poorly-scrutinised merchandise to fans at top whack prices.

‘He Told Me I Was A F**ker’ – UEFA Doping Official Reveals Precise Nature Of Phil Jones’ Angry Europa League Final Rant

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Phil Jones is currently serving a three-match European ban afterbeing found guilty of abusing language toward UEFA officials in the aftermath of the Europa League final.

Jones was an unused substitute in Manchester United's 2-0 win over Ajax in Stockholm but was still selected to undergo a random drug test after the final whistle.

Reports: Tottenham Hope To Complete £23m Deal For PSG Loose Cannon Serge Aurier Sooner Rather Than Later

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On the very day that Kyle Walker-Peters has signed a new five-year deal at the club, it's being reported that Tottenham are within a hair's breadth of bringing in Serge Aurier from PSG.

According to the Evening Standard, Spurs are hopeful of reaching a deal with Aurier sooner rather than later, with the Ivory Coast defender expected to sign a five-year deal.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Cristiano Ronaldo Professes Admiration For ‘Eco-Friendly Egyptian Steel Production’ In Promotional Tweet

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Cristiano Ronaldo is a global one-man brand and, as such, companies are queuing up to leech off his star power in return for vast wodges of cash.

In the past, Ronaldo's corporate tie-ins boots, sportswear, underpants, electro-shock muscle toning equipment, Japanese mouth-strengthening devices have at least had some semblance of being relevant to the football, fashion and fitness lifestyle, but his latest paid endorsement is an absolute clanger of a shill.

Random Great Goals: Crystal Palace Score Four Little Lovelies In 4-1 Win Over Wolves, 1995 (Video)

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The year was 1995, and Crystal Palace and Wolverhampton Wanderers were pitted against each other in the sixth round (i.e. quarter-finals) of the FA Cup.

Wolves were the only non-Premiership side left in the competition, and defended manfully to ensure the original tie at Selhurst Park ended in a 1-1 draw.

Super Soft: Flimsy Red Cards For Kyle Walker And Morgan Schneiderlin Tarnish Man City’s 1-1 Draw With Everton (Photo & Video)

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Man City tied 1-1 with Everton in the first Monday night fixture of the 2017/18 campaign, though once again it was iffy officiating that drew the most ire from concerned on-lookers.

Wayne Rooney had already steered the visitors ahead with the 200th goal of his Premier League career (more on that shortly) before City were relieved of a man just a few minutes before half-time when Kyle Walker earned one of the softest dismissals you're ever likely to witness.

Jack Bites Back: Wilshere Hit By Late Challenge, Sent Off For Brawling With Children In Arsenal Under-23 Fixture (Video)

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If you're wondering what Jack Wilshere is up to at the moment, then wonder no longer for he turned out for Arsenal's Under-23 side at the Emirates last night in aPremier League 2 match against Man City on Monday evening.

However, Wilshere's attempts to play his way back into the first-team picture at Arsenal ended prematurely in the 63rd minute when the former England international was hit by a hard buffeting from City midfielder Matt Smith.

Amazing Spot: Wayne Rooney Upsets Exact Same Man City Fans He Angered Four Years Ago By Scoring 200th Premier League Goal (Photo)

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As you've no doubt heard, Wayne Rooney scored his 200th Premier League goal in Everton's 1-1 draw against Man City at the Etihad on Monday night.

The 31-year-old latched on to a cross from Dominic Calvert-Lewin to steer the ball through Ederson's legs and in off the post before wheeling away in celebration.

Non-League: Baldock Town Emit Hilarious Explanation After Live Twitter Updates For FA Cup Match Suddenly Stop With 10 Minutes Left

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Baldock Town of theSouth Midlands League played North Greenford United of the Combined Counties League in the preliminary rounds of the FA Cup of Sunday afternoon.

Fans of the home side unable to attend the big match were invited to follow their side's fortunes on social media, courtesy of regular live updates being emitted via Baldock Town's official Twitter account.

Euro 2017: Daniel English Scores Brilliant Bobby Charlton-esque Solo Goal For England Blind Team (Video)

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England are off to a flyer at the European Blind Football Championships in Berlin, beating Romania 6-0 in their opening Group A fixture before following up with a 7-0 demolition of France.

Star of the show was Daniel English, who got the ball rolling (both figuratively and literally) against Les Bleus with a fantastically deft strike.

Fancy Bears: Russian Hackers Reveal Football Might Have A Bit Of A Drug Problem

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Fancy Bears, the cute-as-a-button Russian hacking group responsible for publishing the medical records of many high-profile athletes, have leaked several documents pertaining to the drug testing conducted at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

The leak names 25 players, including Carlos Tevez, Mario Gomez, Dirk Kuyt and Gabriel Heinze, who were all allowed to use banned substances at the tournament as part of Therapeutic Use Exemptions (TUEs).

Lukas Podolski Threatens To Sue Breitbart After Far-Right Website Use Photo Of Striker To Accompany ‘Human Trafficking’ Article

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Lukas Podolski is reportedly considering legal action after American right-wing website Breitbart used his image to illustrate an article about human trafficking.

The image actually appeared in a story published by Breitbart's UK arm about a crackdown on trafficking gang that are supposedly using jet-skis to illegally transport migrants from Morocco to Spain.

Official: Samir Nasri Ends Patchy Six-Year Man City Stint By Joining Antalyaspor On Freebie

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Samir Nasri's time at Man City is now officially at an end, just one or perhaps two years later than the cord should have been cut.

After six long, eventful years at City, the last of which was spent on loan Sevilla, Nasri has moved on by signing a two-year deal with Turkish side Antalyaspor.

Official: Burnley Mulch Club Transfer Record To Bring In Bulky Target Man Chris Wood From Leeds (Photo)

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Photo: @BurnleyOfficial/Twitter

Burnley have broken their club transfer record to bring in Chris Woods from Leeds, with the fee involved reported to be £15million (plus add-ons).

The pointy 6'2" target man, who finished top goalscorer in the Championship last season with 27 goals in 44 appearances, has signed a four-year deal with the Clarets.

Police Brutality: Stoke Constabulary Troll Irked Arsenal Fan Over ‘Missing Person’ Mesut Ozil In Wake Of 1-0 Defeat

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Despite watching his side amass 79% possession and muster a mighty eight efforts on goal, one Arsenal was suitably aggrieved by his side's 1-0 loss at Stoke on Saturday that he felt obliged to report a sporting crime to the local police force.

Unable to process the result like an adult, the irked Gooner in question took to Twitter to make the Stoke constabulary aware of a 'robbery' that had just taken place in broad daylight at the Bet365 Stadium.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Sponsors Ensure Carabao Cup Third-Round Draw Will Be Just As Nonsensical As First Two…

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It's fair to say that the League Cup, in it's inaugural season in the hands of new sponsors Carabao, has been nothing short of a farce particularly on the administrative side of things.

Of course, the draw for the first round was conducted in Thailand and ultimately saw Charlton Atheltic given the nigh-on impossible task of having to play both away against Exeter City and home to Cheltenham Town simultaneously.

Real Madrid: Sergio Ramos Equals La Liga Red Card Record With 18th Dismissal Of Career Against Deportivo (Video)

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A congratulatory doff of the cap is most definitely due to Sergio Ramos, who equalled a long-standing Spanish record in Real Madrid's opening game of the league season on Sunday evening.

Real came romping out of the traps with a 3-0 away win over Deportivo la Coruna, but it was Ramos' final contribution to the evening's entertainment that will live longest in the memory.

Official: Steve McClaren To Work Under Jordi Cruyff As ‘Coaching Consultant’ At Maccabi Tel Aviv

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Good news everybody! Steve McClaren is once again being given the opportunity to dispense his coaching wisdom in a professional setting, having joined the staff at Maccabi Tel Aviv.

McClaren had been strongly tipped to take over from Ian Cathro at Hearts, but it would appear he's decided to try his hand on foreign soil once again one of the few English coaches who appear to relish doing so.

League Two: Notts County’s Matt Tootle Emerges Victorious In ‘Weirdest Goal Celebration Of The Weekend’ Stakes (Video)

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Yes, that is Shola Ameobi (Photo: @Official_NCFC/Twitter)

It's perhaps telling that, on the very same day we saw an unfortunate Hamburg player rupture his cruciate ligament after scoring, the oddest goal celebration of the weekend actually came in League Two, specifically during Notts County's 4-2 win over Wycombe.

Ligue 1: Neymar Shines On Home Debut As 10-Man PSG Batter Toulouse 6-2 (Video)

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Neymar marked his home debut with Paris St Germain by producing an outstanding individual display, topped off by two goals and two assists.

PSG went behind on 18 minutes, courtesy of a goal from Bournemouth loanee Max Gradel.

However, Neymar got his side back into the game via a close-range finish just after the half-hour mark.

Ligue 1: Nabil Fekir Scores Immense Long-Ranger From Halfway Line As Lyon Draw With Bordeaux (Video)

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A last-gasp equaliser from Malcom earned Bordeaux a share of the points in a dramatic 3-3 draw at Lyon on Saturday.

However, the goal of the game, and possibly of the season, came after just 10 minutes, courtesy of French international Nabil Fekir.

Picking up the ball inside his own-half, Fekir raced forward to the halfway line before launching a long-range rocket which caught 'keeperBenoit Costil off-guard and it was with his weaker foot too!

Hamburg: Nicolai Muller Ruled Out For Seven Months After Rupturing Knee Ligament While Celebrating Goal (Photo & Video)

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Hamburg opened their Bundesliga campaign with a 1-0 win over Augsburg, with winger Nicolai Muller grabbing the only goal of the game.

Alas, the eighth-minute goal also saw Muller's involvement in the match come to an abrupt end when he ruptured his anterior cruciate ligament in the act of celebrating it.

FAIL: Botched Panenka Scuppers Newly-Promoted Romanian Side’s Chance Of Snaffling 96th-Min Draw Against Steaua Bucharest (Video)

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Photo: FCSB Official/Facebook

Steaua Bucharest kept the pressure on CFR Cluj at the top of the Romanian Liga 1 table with a straightforward 2-1 away victory over local rivals Juventus Bucharest on Saturday evening.

In fact, Steaua actually fell behind against their newly-promoted hosts in the first minute courtesy of an own-goal, but soon clawed their way back in front, scoring twice inside the first half-an-hour or so.

Sunday League Special: Bournemouth’s Harry Arter Tricks Nathaniel Chalobah With Masterful Fake ‘Leave It’ Call (Video)

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You can stick your 4-0 trouncings and debut upsets where the sun doesn't shine Pies' undoubted Premier League highlight on Saturday was Harry Arter's imperious deployment of Sunday League-level shithousing in Bournemouth's home defeat against Watford.

Finding that his man, Nathaniel Chalobah, had escaped him on the counter-attack, Arter stooped to foiling the Hornets' approach by emitting a fake "leave it!

Chelsea: Marcos Alonso Bags Brace As Tottenham Suffer Wembley Woe (Video)

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A Marcos Alonso brace gave Chelsea their first win of the new season against Tottenham at Wembley on Sunday.

The Blues started with Tiemoue Bakayako in midfield and Alvaro Morata up front, but the Spaniard missed an easy chance early on.

The opening goal would eventually come on 24 minutes, with Alonso producing an outstanding free-kick which left Hugo Lloris with no chance in the Spurs goal.

Arsenal: Gunners Stumble At Stoke As Jesé Nabs Debut Goal (Video)

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Despite dominating their Saturday clash with Stoke, Arsenal came away from the bet365 Stadium with nothing after Jesé's second-half goal separated the two sides.

Arsenal had a number of opportunites to take the lead in the first-half, only for a mix of poor finishing and superb goalkeeping from Jack Butland to keep the visitors at bay.

Liverpool: Saido The Main Mané As Reds Edge Crystal Palace At Anfield (Video)

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Liverpool registered their first win of the new Premier League season at Anfield on Saturday, with Sadio Mané scoring the only goal of a tight clash with Crystal Palace.

Eagles' boss Frank de Boer will have been pleased by an improved display from his charges, who really should have taken the lead just before the hour-mark, only for ex-Liverpool striker Christian Benteke to blast over from close-range.

Man Utd: Red Devils Sink Swans With Second-Half Blitz At Liberty Stadium (Video)

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A late trio of goals helped Manchester United to an impressive 4-0 win away to Swansea on Saturday, as the Red Devils' superb start to the new season continued in style.

Swansea boss Paul Clement played five at the back and the formation seemed to be working, with the Red Devils struggling to break down the well-drilled hosts.

Retro Football: Sir Bruce Forsyth Entertains Crowd By Scoring At Wembley Before 1974 FA Cup Final (Video)

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Chin chin: Bruce Forsyth compares facial protuberance with Jimmy Hill, 1981 (Photo: REX, via Telegraph)

Sad news is reaching Pies this afternoon that legendary British entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth has passed away at the grand old age of 89.

From game-shows to Royal Variety performances, Brucie pretty much accomplished it all in a long and winding showbiz career that spanned almost 75 years and he even scored a goal at an FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Clanger: Walsall Fan Makes Whopping Error While Booking Accommodation For League One Trip To Portsmouth

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Faced with a 230-mile round trip, one Walsall fan decided to book themselves some cheap accommodation in order to break up the long haul down to the south coast for Saturday's League One game against Portsmouth.

Alas, in attempting to secure the cheapest possible overnight stop, it would appear that the intrepid Saddlers fan in question dropped a bit of clanger when it came to researching the specific location of their out-of-town hotel.

West Brom: Tony Pulis Confirms Man City Will Have To Make ‘A Very, Very Good Offer’ If They Want To Sign Jonny Evans

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Tony Pulis has confirmed that West Brom have knocked back an opening offer from Man City as the latter continue to canvass Jonny Evans.

It's being reported that City began the bidding at £18million, only to be unceremoniously rebuffed by the Baggies, who have no intention of selling their man.

Impact Stub: Bayern Munich’s New Sporting Director Has Banned Carlo Ancelotti From Smoking On The Job

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Photo via Goal.com

Bayern Munich recently appointed Hasan Salihamidzic as their new sporting director and the former Champions League-winning midfielder's first order of business was a decidedly risky one.

In an effort to promote a more wholesome, healthy image, Salihamidzic approached head coach Carlo Ancelotti and asked him to stop smoking on club premises, be that sneaking out for a ciggie during training sessions or enjoying a crafty bifter round the back of the bins at the Allianz Arena on matchdays.

Portuguese Club Attempt To Entice Usain Bolt With Contract Offer Of Free Burgers, Eggs And Beer

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Photo: Sport Clube Beira-Mar/Facebook

After retiring from athletics at the end of the World Championships in London, Usain Bolt has rather curiously appeared to attain 'free agent' status in the world of football.

Of course, it stands to reason that Bolt was immediately linked with a move to Burton Albion, but sadly party-pooper manager Nigel Clough has since laughed off suggestions of the Jamaican sprinter going on trial at the Brewers.

Chelsea: Diego Costa Once Again Reiterates He Would Really, Really, Really Like To Return To Atletico Madrid If It’s At All Possible, Thank You

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Coming precisely one day after Diego Costa confirmed his desire to rejoin former club Atletico Madrid, the AWOL Chelsea striker has re-confirmed his desire to rejoin former club Atletico Madrid.

After being informed via text message a couple of months ago that he was no longer part of Antonio Conte's plans, Costa has hunkered down in his hometown of Lagarto, Brazil, where he apparently intends to remain until his demands are met.

Schalke 04 Celebrate First Bundesliga Game Of Season By Offering Every Fan (Over 16) Free Beer On The House

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Schalke 04 are planning to celebrate the start of the new season by buying what they're calling the biggest round of drinks in Bundesliga history!

Coinciding with the 20th anniversary of the club's association with the local C. & A. Veltins brewery, Schalke are planning to ply every single fan (over the age of 16) that attends this Saturday's opening match againstRB Leipzig with a free beer.

Spanish Super Cup: Real Madrid Take First Blood As Marco Asensio Bullet Seals 5-1 Aggregate Win Over Barcelona (Photos & Video)

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The £4.5million that Real Madrid paid Mallorca for Marco Asensio looks ever more certain to go down as the finest bargain in transfer history, with the 21-year-old forward continuing to mine his rich vein of form in the second leg of the Spanish Super Cup last night.

Asensio was on target with a sumptuous finish in the first leg and repeated the feat in the second, scoring the opening goal of the night as Real romped to a 2-0 win at the Bernabeu.

Official: Everton Pilfer Gylfi Sigurdsson From Swansea In Club Record £45m Deal (Photo)

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Photo: @Everton/Twitter

One of the more protracted transfer wrangles of the summer has finally concluded with the news that Everton have successfully pilfered Gylfi Sigurdsson from Swansea for a club record fee.

The actual price tag is officially undisclosed but is being widely reported as a piffling £45million mere chump change in this day and age.

Mistaken Identity: Liverpool Stalwart Jamie Carragher Fooled By Old Photo Of Himself Posing Alongside ‘Trent Alexander-Arnold’ In 2009

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Trent Alexander-Arnold's star is on the rise at the moment, especially in the wake of the teenage full-back's superb freekick goal against Hoffenheim earlier in the week.

Ex-Liverpool stalwart Jamie Carragher heralded his young successor's efforts directly after the match, sharing on social media what he thought was a photo of the pair together back in 2009, when Alexander-Arnold was a mere 10-year-old slip of a lad.

‘I Must Return To Atletico Madrid’ – AWOL Diego Costa Releases Statement Confirming He Won’t Play For Chelsea Again

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Diego Costa has gone on record as saying he has no intention of returning to Chelsea and is instead hell-bent on rejoining former club Atletico Madrid at the nearest available juncture.

Despite the season starting a fortnight ago, Costa steadfastly failed to report back and is currently training privately in his hometown of Lagarto, Brazil.

Barcelona: Paulinho Makes Shocking Hash Of Basic Keepy-Uppies At Camp Nou Unveiling (Video)

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It's fairly safe to say that the majority of Barcelona fans are ever so slightly underwhelmed about their club decision to spend €40million of The Neymar Money™ on bringing in his compatriot, Paulinho, from China.

After leaving Tottenham under a cloud, the midfielder spent two years looking comparatively godly in the Chinese Super League with Guangzhou Evergrande before sealing a shock move to Barca last week.

Official: Stoke City Sign Jese Rodriguez On Loan, Add To Impressive Haul Of Ex-Champions League Winners (Photo)

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Photo: @stokecity/Twitter

In what surely must be the first recorded interaction between the two sides, Stoke City have signed Jese Rodriguez from PSG.

The 24-year-old forward moves to the Potters on a season-long loan having passed his medical on Tuesday...

We all need a bit of inspiration halfway through the working week.

Champions League: Alexander-Arnold Scores Excellent Freekick As Liverpool Take Narrow Lead In Play-Off Against Hoffenheim (Photo & Video)

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Liverpool will take a 2-1 aggregate lead into the second leg of their Champions League group stage play-off against Hoffenheim at Anfield next week, thanks largely to a flash of inspiration from teenage right-back Trent Alexander-Arnold.

The 18-year-old, making his debut in European competition, wrapped his foot around a beautiful low freekick to put Jurgen Klopp's side ahead against the run of play in the 35th minute.

Non-League: Cheshire Derby Between Nantwich Town And Altrincham Postponed By Mid-Match Egg Bombardment

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Photo: @altrinchamfc/Twitter

Tuesday evening saw local rivals Nantwich Town and Altrincham FC go head to head in the first Cheshire derby of the Evo-Stik Premier Division season.

A tense and fraught affair at the best of times, it should come as little surprise to learn that play had to be postponed early in the first half after a disturbance in the terraces.

Champions League: Young Boys Defender Kasim Nuhu Scores Utterly Delightful 91st-Minute Own-Goal To Hand CSKA Victory (Video)

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With the scoreline goalless and the 91st minute steadily wicking away, it looked for all the world like the first leg of Young Boys' Champions League play-off against CSKA Moscow was dead set to finish 0-0.

Unfortunately for the Swiss side, defender Kasim Adams Nuhu chose that exact moment to unleash hell (under minimal pressure) on the edge of his own 18-yard box.

‘We Would Be Very Interested’ – Championship Side Burton Albion Fully Willing To Take Usain Bolt On Trial

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Usain Bolt poses in his Burton colours

After seeing his peerless athletics career come to an underwhelming, cramp-stricken end at the World Championships in London recently, Usain Bolt is currently looking for a new day job as the pressure to be able to pay next month's gas bill becomes a stark reality.

Find All 50 Clubs: Fancy Trying Your Hand At Football’s Hardest Quiz?

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WARNING: Pies hereby accept no responsibility for any pulling out of hair and/or temporary insanity incurred as a result of attempting this fiendish quiz

Oi, you. Yeah, you. Think yer bleeding clever do you?

If the answer to that question is 'Yes, reasonably' then why not have a stab at Find 50, the self-proclaimed (and not without reason) hardest quiz in football.

Money Well Spent: Ruben Neves, Wolves’ New £15m Midfielder, Spanks One In From Distance Against Hull City (Video)

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There were many quizzical shrugs exchanged among Wolves fans when their club parted with £15million to sign midfielder Ruben Neves from Porto back in July.

Similarly, there were many Porto fans left utterly bewildered by the transfer chiefly as to why their club had let Neves go for such a pifflingly low fee.

Diego Maradona Rolls Back Years To Score Impudent 20-Yard Freekick During Al-Fujairah Training Session (Video)

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Photo: @Fuj_FC/Twitter

There's every chance you may have missed the latest update, but Diego Maradona is currently under gainful employ out in the United Arab Emirates where he is head coach at Al-Fujairah SC.

Despite being a couple of months shy of his 57th birthday, Maradona has set about providing an example to his players, tucking away a lovely freekick during Tuesday morning's training session.

Non-League: Billericay Town Owner Glenn Tamplin Unveils Dressing Room Overhaul, Complete With Tasteful Lion-Themed Mural (Photo)

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Photo: @BTFC/Twitter

Love him or loathe him, Glenn Tamplin is pouring an awful lot of money into Billericay Town as he continues in his quest to spend his way up into the Football League.

As well as hiring a battalion of ex-Premier League players on exorbitant wagesto play against blokes with 9-5 jobs, Tamplin is also in the process of completely redeveloping Billericay's New Lodge stadium, far beyond the demands of a team who currently play in the Bostik Premier League (seventh tier).

Dennis Bergkamp’s Dabizas-Slapping Pirouette Against Newcastle Voted Best Goal In 25 Years Of Premier League

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Dennis Bergkamp's classic twisty-turny pirouette against Newcastle in 2002 has been voted as the greatest goal ever scored in 25 years of Premier League football.

The vote was conducted by BBC Sport, who polled more than half a million fans to ascertain the finest goal scored since football began in 1992.

Retro Football: First Ever ‘Match Of The Day’ Opening Titles Of Premier League Era, 1992/93 (Video)

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Image: BBC Sport

Looking every single one of its 25-years-old, here are the opening titles that preceded the very first Match of the Day of the Premier League epoch.

Come for Des Lynam's velvety smoothness, stay for Gary Lineker looking like a nervous ex-public schoolboy appearing in small-claims court after being accused of fly-tipping a mattress on his father-in-law's estate.

The BIG Question: Which Is Your Favourite Goal From 25 Years Of Premier League Football?

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Photo: Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC

Pies feel obliged to admit at this juncture that we've never really felt any special admiration for Dennis Bergkamp's goal against Newcastle in 2002: your newly-crowned 'Best Goal in the History of the Premier League'.

It's a nice enough goal, sure the turn is clinical, the touch superb, etc but as far as we're concerned (not very, truth be told) it's not even top-three material when it comes toBergkamp's personal highlight reel.

Reports: West Ham Close To £30m Deal For Sporting Lisbon Hardman William Carvalho

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Forever linked with a move to Arsenal, William Carvalho looks on the verge of moving to West Ham with the Hammers close to getting their man for a reported £30m.

West Ham have already had one bid of £25m rejected, but now manager Slaven Bilic is confident of finally getting his man.

Real Madrid: Cristiano Ronaldo Given Five-Match Ban For Ridiculous Red Card In Super Cup Tie Against Barcelona

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Cristiano Ronaldo's dumb red card in the Super Cup against Barcelona just got that much dumber with the news that the Real Madrid forward has been slapped with a excessively large ban as a result.

The Portuguese star emerged from the bench during the second half, scored to restore Real's lead, got booked for removing his shirt, quickly picked up a second yellow for diving and was sent off all in the space of 25 minutes.

Great Disallowed Goals: Cruel Linesman Robs Southampton’s Kevin Keegan Of Dazzling Volley Against Man Utd, 1981 (Video)

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Not that we're intending to give our old 'Great Disallowed Goals' series a full reboot, but Pies happened across his little snippet earlier today and deemed it worthy of broadcast under the banner.

Dating from the Year of our Lord 1981, the clip shows Kevin Keegan who was nearing the end of his career by that point putting a spectacular finish to a sweeping Southampton attack against Manchester United (in royal blue!

Super Cup: Marco Asensio Continues Amazing Goal-Scoring Debut Record As Real Madrid Emerge Victorious Over Barcelona In First Leg (Photos & Video)

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Real Madrid emerged from the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup with a commanding lead over eternal rivals Barcelona, winning 3-1 at the Camp Nou on Sunday night.

Indeed, Real looked to be firing on all cylinders before a ball was even kicked in anger if this footage of their mesmerising pre-match training drill is anything to go by.

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez Causes Fresh Consternation Among Fans By Tweeting From Paris Before Hastily Deleting It (Photo)

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After sitting out of Arsenal's Premier League opener against Leicester City with a dubious 'abdominal strain', Alexis Sanchez has caused yet another ripple of consternation among concerned Gooners by Tweeting from Paris.

Having done little to dispel rumours, Sanchez has been strongly linked with a move away from Arsenal for months now, with PSG rumoured to be among the chasing pack.

Reports: Unlikely As It May Seem, Stoke City Are Poised To Sign Jese Rodriguez From PSG

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As unlikely as it may sound, Stoke City are close to signing Jese Rodriguez from PSG on a season-long loan.

According to John Percy in the Telegraph, the former Real Madrid prodigy has undergone a medical with the Potters this morning, with an official announcement now imminent.

Stoke are set to announce the signing of PSG striker Jese Rodriguez.

Official: Barcelona Sign Tottenham Cast-Off Paulinho From Guangzhou Evergrande In €40m Wrangle

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Having just been relieved of one Brazilian superstar, Barcelona have gone and signed ex-Tottenham flop Paulinho for the princely sum of €40million.

Paulinho left Spurs to join Guangzhou Evergrande for £17million amid something of a career torpor back in July of 2015.

Any excuse to watch Paulinho's shot against Burnley again.

Official Footage: Referee’s Head-Cam Offers Incredible First-Person Perspective Of Real Madrid’s Game Against MLS All-Stars (Video)

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There's every chance we're a little late on the uptake here, but a fortnight or so ago, Real Madrid played an MLS All-Star side in the penultimate match of their pre-season schedule.

While many of us workaday proles had to make do with watching the game from a standard angle on television, the referee on duty, Mr Allen Chapman, was allowed to record the entire thing from amid the very thick of the action.

Tottenham: Jonjo Shelvey Sees Red As Slick Lilywhites Beat Newcastle 2-0 (Video)

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Tottenham kicked off their Premier League campaign with a deserved 2-0 win away to a Newcastle side who had to play most of the second-half with 10 men.

Newcastle struggled to threaten the Spurs goal, with the visitors the better side throughout.However, Tottenham failed to make the breakthrough in the first-half.

Ligue 1: Neymar Scores And Assists On Debut As PSG Beat Guingamp 3-0 (Video)

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After months of rumours and hype, Neymar finally made his PSG debut on Sunday night away to Guingamp in Ligue 1.

The £200m Brazilian would enjoy a fine first game for his new side, both scoring and assisting as the Parisiens strolled to a 3-0 win.

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PSG's opener came early in the second-half, withJordan Ikoko putting through his own net (in incredible fashion) after Neymar's pass to Edinson Cavani was initially intercepted.

Rosenborg: Nicklas Bendtner Tucks Away An Absolute Peach With The Outside Of His Boot (Video)

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After going a goal inside the first five minutes, Rosenborg came haring back to beat Molde 2-1 in the Norwegian Eliteserien on Saturday afternoon.

Lo and behold, it was Nicklas Bendtner who restored parity for Rosenborg in the 74th minute by sticking an absolute peach of an outside-of-the-boot finish into the far top corner.

MLS: Video Assistant Referee Decision Sees Kaka Sent Off For Playfully Fondling Ex-Orlando Teammate’s Face (Video)

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Adding more fuel to the argument that Video Assistant Refereeing (VAR) is an unnecessary nonsense that we really don't need, Kaka the most saintly footballer in existence was shown a farcical red card in Orlando City's 3-1 defeat against New York Red Bulls on Saturday evening.

The Brazilian veteran was sent off deep into second-half injury time for the heinous crime of playfully grasping the face of Red Bulls defender Aurelin Collin as the two sides disputed a late foul.

Man Utd: Romelu Lukaku Bags Debut Brace As Red Devils Romp To Victory Against West Ham (Video)

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Romelu Lukaku bagged a brace on his Premier League debut for Manchester United on Sunday, as the Red Devils cruised to an impressive 4-0 win at home to West Ham.

United dominated the encounter and took the lead just after the half-hour mark, with Lukaku firing in off the frame of the goal from a Marcus Rashford pass.

Man City: Slick Citizens Battle To Victory Against New-Boys Brighton (Video)

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Title favourites Manchester City battled to victory against Premier League new-boys Brighton at the Amex Stadium on Saturday.

The Citizens, not surprisingly, totally dominated throughout the game, but came up against an organised, hard-working Brighton side.

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Gabriel Jesus started up front in tandem with Sergio Aguero, and the Brazilian produced some moments of pure class during the game.

Liverpool: Watford Snatch Late Point Against Reds In Six-Goal Thriller At Vicarage Road (Video)

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A late Miguel Britos equaliser secured a share of spoils for Watford against Liverpool at Vicarge Road on Saturday, in what was a terrific encounter.

The Reds were without wantaway playmaker Philippe Coutinho, who remains injured, and they went behind after just eight minutes, via a headed effort from Stefano Okaka after some dismal Liverpool defending.

Chelsea: Nine-Man Blues Suffer Shock Defeat To Burnley At Stamford Bridge (Video)

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Champions Chelsea were brought back down to earth with a thump at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, with Burnley beating the Blues 3-2 in their season opener.

Things started to go wrong for the hosts after just 14 minutes, when Gary Cahill saw red for a lunge on Steve Defour.

Prodigal: Wayne Rooney Scores 199th Premier League Goal On Second Debut As Everton Pip Stoke At Goodison (Video)

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Just as the prophecy foretold, Wayne Rooney scored the winning goal on his second debut for his boyhood club as Everton narrowly pipped Stoke City.

Mere seconds before half-time, Rooney rose like a trout to headDominic Calvert-Lewin's deep cross past Jack Butland the release of tension almost palpable in the ensuing celebration.

Bayern Munich: Franck Ribery Cheekily Unties Referee’s Boot Laces Before Whipping Home 20-Yard Freekick (Video)

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Bayern Munich got their DFB Pokal campaign off to a flying start on Saturday afternoon with a 5-0 rollicking of third-tier Chemnitzer FC.

Franck Ribery scored the fourth goal of the onslaught by tucking away a smart 20-yard free-kick, but not before having a cheeky fiddle with the referee's boot laces.

Premier League: Arsenal Win Incredible Opener After Dramatic 4-3 Victory Over Leicester (Photos & Video)

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The 2017/18 Premier League season got off to a thunderous start at the Emirates on Friday night, with Arsenal coming back to win 4-3 against Leicester in a cracking game.

The Gunners got off to the perfect start, with record-signing Alexandre Lacazette scoring after just 94 seconds, via his his first-ever shot in the Premier League.

Liverpool: Philippe Coutinho Has And Hasn’t Submitted Transfer Request To Force Barcelona Move, Depending Who You Ask…

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Depending whose sources you chose to believe, Philippe Coutinho either has or indeed hasn't handed in a transfer request at Liverpool in order to force through a €100+million transfer to Barcelona.

Things are beginning to get fraught, especially in the wake of Fenway Sports Group's succinct ''All Offers For Coutinho Will Be Filed Under 'Bin'' statement issued earlier today (Friday).

Old Habits: FC Basel Striker Ricky Van Wolfswinkel Misses Open-Goal Sitter From Three Yards Out (Video)

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Photo: @FC_Basel_en/Twitter

After a couple of fallow years, it's nice to see Ricky van Wolfswinkel is back on the goals trail at his new club, FC Basel.

The wonderfully-named Dutch striker took his tally to four goals in four appearances for the Swiss side by scoring a brace in their 3-2 victory over Grasshoppers in the Super League on Thursday night.

‘No Offers Will Be Considered’ – Liverpool Efficiently End Barcelona’s Pursuit Of Philippe Coutinho With Strongly-Worded Statement

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Last we heard, Liverpool had knocked back a frankly exorbitant€100million bid from Barcelona to take Philippe Coutinho off their hands.

As if turning down that kind of money wasn't enough to their resolve to hold onto their star man, Liverpool's owners have now sought to quickly and efficiently snuff out Barca's obsessive pursuit by issuing a strongly-worded statement.

Official: Stoke Shore Up €7.7m Deal To Re-Sign Bruno Martins Indi On Permanent Basis (Photo & Video)

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Photo: @stokecity/Twitter

After dragging it out for months, Stoke City have finally shaken on a €7.7million deal with Porto to re-sign Bruno Martins Indi on a permanent basis.

The Dutch international centre-back spent last season on loan at the Potters, who reportedly had to stave off interest from Crystal Palace to recapture their man.

League Cup: Sky Pundit John Salako Makes Almighty Hash Of Second Round Draw (Video)

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The Second Round of the Carabao Cup was made on Sky Sports on Thursday night, with a number of Premier League clubs entering the competition.

However, while the draw itself failed to throw up many mouth-watering ties, the confused performance of John Salako during the televised draw was both entertaining and cringe-worthy in equal parts.

Shit Lookalike: Man City’s New Dressing Room & The Hypersleep Chamber From ‘Alien’

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Man City have just unveiled the brand new home dressing room they've had fitted at the Etihad Stadium and it looks more like some kind of futuristic cloning facility than a place for Fabian Delph to tape up his shinpads...

Photo: @ManCity/Twitter

Lord alone knows how much they've spent rigging that thing up, but we're fairly sure where the inspiration came from.

‘I’ve Got One Big Contract Left In Me And I Know My Worth’ – Danny Rose Drops Blunt Bombshell On Eve Of New Season, Implores Tottenham To Stop Signing ‘Players He Has To Google’

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Just a few days before the start of the season, Danny Rose has given an incredibly blunt interview in which he, a) criticises Tottenham's transfer activity (or lack thereof) this summer and, b) openly admits he's keen to move back to a more northerly club sooner rather than later.

Rose, who has spent the last six months out nursing a knee injury, refused to mince words while speaking to The Sun, getting pretty much all of his major gripes off his chest in one fell swoop.

Paide In Full: Estonian Side Score Classy Own Goal Within 14 Seconds Of Kick-Off Without Opponents Touching The Ball (Video)

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If you think you're having a bad day at the office then spare a thought for Estonian side Paide Linnameeskond, who scored an own goal of real craft at the weekend.

Paide travelled to the country's capital city to face Levadia Tallinn in a vital last-16 Estonian Cup clash.

The away side gave their opponents the start dreams are made of by passing the ball neatly across defence before left-back Martin Kase tucked it away deftly in his own net with less than 15 seconds on the clock.

Pies’ Massive, Bloated, Dangerously Swollen Predictions For The 2017/18 Premier League Season

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It's that time of year again. Time for Pies to wade into the mire with a great big clanging sack full of Premier League predictions for the inbound 2017/18 campaign.

As always, there's no need to go back and check our predictions for 2016/17 as they were all 100% spot-on as per usual.

Premier League winners: Man City.

Comedy Classics: Mitchell & Webb’s Timeless Sky Sports Parody Advert – ‘Watch The Football’ (Video)

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As prescient now as it ever was, the following sketch succinctly crystallises what televised football has become an endless, mindless assault of HUGE gladiatorial matches abutted by HUGE honking opinions, regardless of the fact that you're actually sat watching Tony Cascarino stumble his way through Norwich City's goalless draw with Preston.

Man Utd: Harrowing Image Of Marouane Fellaini ‘Face Melt’ Mishap Immortalised By Australian Street Artist (Photo)

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Praise be, for Marouane Fellaini's unfortunate 'face melt' incident during Monday night's UEFA Super Cup match between Manchester United and Real Madrid has been taken to its logical conclusion.

As per Australian television news host Tom Steinfort, the harrowing image of the Belgian behemoth's face attempting to slide off his skull has been immortalised in a giant work of street art, discovered on the streets of Melbourne.

Reports: Liverpool Reject Second Bid Of 100m Euros For Philippe Coutinho As Barcelona Circle Once Again

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Liverpool have reportedly rejected a whopping bid of 100m euros from Barcelona for Philippe Coutinho.

Eager to splash some of the £200m they made after selling Neymar to PSG, Barcelona see the Brazilian playmaker as an ideal, if not exactly like-for-like, replacement.

League Cup: Samuel Sáiz Scores Slick Hat-Trick With First Three Shots Of Leeds Career (Video)

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Leeds booked their place in the second round of the Carabao Cup on Wednesday night, withThomas Christiansen's much-changed side beating Port Vale 4-1 at Port Vale.

Three of those goals came courtesy of Spanish attacker Samuel Sáiz, who marked his Leeds debut by scoring with his first three shots for the club in competitive football.

Official: Watford Pluck Striker Andre Gray From Burnley In £18.5m Deal

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Time rolls on and fees continue to spiral with the news today that Andre Gray has swapped Burnley for Watford in an £18.5million deal.

Gray, who scored nine goals in 32 Premier League appearances for the Clarets last time out, has signed a five-year at Vicarage Road...

| #watfordfc have completed the signing of @AndreGray7 from @BurnleyOfficial for a club record fee.

Accident In The Workplace: Cristiano Ronaldo Comes Perilously Close To Slipping Off Real Madrid’s Team Bus (Video)

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Having been granted an extended summer break, Cristiano Ronaldo played a purposefully limited part in Real Madrid's 2-1 Super Cup victory over Manchester United in muggy Macedonia last night.

With fans clamouring to see the Portuguese star, Zinedine Zidane (possibly reluctantly) sent Ronaldo on for the final eight minutes of the match in what proved to be a largely unspectacular cameo.

Melty-Faced Marouane Fellaini Provides Enduring Image Of 2017 Super Cup, Just About Manages To Laugh Off Ridicule (Photos)

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With pre-season being a time for experimentation, Marouane Fellaini tried out a couple of new looks during Manchester United's glorified pre-season friendly defeat against Real Madrid last night.

As well as attempting to shackle his dense mane with bloodied bandages, the big Belgian midfielder also put his face to good use by providing the enduring image of the 2017 UEFA Super Cup.

Brazil: Santa Cruz Striker André Luis Injures Himself While Celebrating Opening Goal Against Criciuma (Video)

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Image: Globo Esporte

Three days in and we've already witnessed the finest goal celebration of the week, courtesy of Santa Cruz forward Andre Luis.

Luis was Johnny-on-the-spot to put Santa Cruz ahead against Criciuma in the Brazilian second tier on Tuesday night, only to immediately do himself an extreme physical discourtesy while attempting to celebrate it.

Ronaldinho: Lost Pitch Invader Rescued By His Idol During Costa Rican Legends Exhibition Match (Video)

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Without a club at the moment, Ronaldinho is currently on a mini-tour of Central America where he's picking up cheques for taking part in a string of exhibition games in Honduras, El Salvador and Costa Rica.

The Costa Rican friendly took place at the Nacional stadium in San Jose, where Ron and his guest XI enjoyed a spirited kickabout against a team of local 'Leyendas'.

Crouchy Did NOT Have His Nachos: Peter Crouch Refutes Legendary Podcast Yarn About Him Demanding Food In Southampton Takeaway (Video)

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"Crouchy's Having His Nachos!"

It is quite possibly the finest piece of footballing apocrypha to emerge from the early podcast scene: the tale recounted by Guardian writer Sean Ingle of the time a friend of his was confronted by a rampaging Peter Crouch in a fast food restaurant in Southampton.

Scotland: Kieran Tierney Scores Magnificent 40-Yard Belter As Celtic Batter Kilmarnock 5-0 (Video)

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Not surprisingly, Celtic eased into the Scottish League Cup quarter-finals after a 5-0 mauling of Kilmarnock on Tuesday night.

The goals came from Leigh Griffiths (with a brace),Anthony Ralston, Kieran Tierney and Stuart Armstrong. However, it was Tierney's which really lit up Celtic Park.

Joan Gamper Trophy: Standing Ovations All Round As Barcelona Beat Chapecoense In Incredibly Emotional Friendly (Photos & Video)

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Chapecoense defender Neto (centre) weeps before the Joan Gamper Trophy friendly against Barcelona

Monday evening saw Barcelona play host to Chapecoense in the Joan Gamper Trophy, just nine months after the tragic plane crash that near-destroyed the Brazilian club.

As you might expect, emotions ran high throughout with the only three players to survive the disaster Jackson Follman, Neto and Alan Ruschel (all seen above) invited out onto the Camp Nou pitch before the match to perform a ceremonial kick-off.

Crystal Palace Chairman Rubbishes Tabloid Reports Of Tony Adams And His ‘£200m Takeover Agreement’

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Tony Adams, the man who can't convincingly run a training session, is reportedly in the process of attempting to buy an entire Premier League football club.

That club is Crystal Palace, with the Daily Star reporting (we know, we know) that Adams is leading a consortium that has "struck an agreement" to buy the club in a £200million takeover.

Valon Behrami Charts His Entire Childhood In Kosovo With Enormous New Leg Tattoo (Photos)

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He may have represented Switzerland 73 times at international level, but Valon Behrami was born and raised in Kosovo.

Life as a child in Mitrovica in the late 1980s and early 1990s was tough, with the city torn asunder by the Kosovo War an armed conflict between Serbian and Albanian ethnic groups.

Elite Troll: Mischievous PSG Fan Visits Apple Store In Barcelona, Changes Every iPhone Background To Picture Of Neymar (Photos)

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He's not even made a single appearance for PSG yet and already the troll-o-lol-o-lolling of Barcelona over Neymar's summer swerve to the French capital is reaching elite levels.

Whereas some fans have spend considerable sums of money to rib Gerard Pique in a very niche manner, one PSG supporter has actually made the trip to Catalonia to conduct some high level mischief making behind enemy lines.

Fiorentina Will Have Not One, Not Two, Not Three, But FOUR Away Kits To Choose From This Season (Photos)

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Kit colour clashes shouldn't really be an issue for Fiorentina this coming season

To go along with their achingly beautiful (as ever) purple home strip, Fiorentina will have not one, not two, not three, but four spanking new away kits to choose from for the duration of the 2017/18 season.

European Super Cup: Real Madrid Outclass Man Utd In Sweltering Skopje (Video)

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Real Madrid proved too good for Manchester United in the UEFA Super Cup final on Tuesday night, with the La Liga giants securing a well-deserved 2-1 win in a sweltering Skopje.

The Red Devils started with summer-signings Romelu Lukaku, Nemanja Matic andVictor Lindelof.

La Banteur: PSG Fans Wear ‘He’s Staying’ Shirts To Poke Fun At Gerard Pique’s Poorly-Timed Neymar Tweet (Photos)

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A smattering of PSG fans paid good money to rib Gerard Pique over a clanger of a tweet the Barcelona defender emitted at the height of the swirling speculation that preceded Neymar's big move to the French capital.

Back on July 23rd, with the world still incredulous that such a transfer could come to pass, Pique posted a photo of himself and Neymar along with the fateful caption "Se Queda" "He's staying".

‘It Was Unacceptable’ – Yeovil Players And Staff Vow To Refund Fans After Slumping To Embarrassing 8-2 Defeat Against Luton On Opening Day

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Photo: @LutonTown/Twitter

Yeovil Town's players and staff are clubbing together to reimburse the fans who were forced to sit through their miserable 8-2 defeat against Luton Town on the opening day of the season.

Some 258 Yeovil fans made the 150-mile trip toKenilworth Road for Saturday's match, only to see their side get well and truly eviscerated in what eventually became a joint-record League Two defeat.

Football Comedy Classics: Adam & Joe – ‘The Footie Song’ (Video)

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It's about this time every year that Pies' inbox gets overrun by a deluge of the worst kind of email: the brazenly tenuous PR football-tie-in advertorial.

Just before the start of each new season (World Cups are also equally insufferable), brands and companies with no connection to football attempt to shoehorn themselves into the equation on the most dubious of pretences.

‘I’m Frustrated By The Club’s Position’ – Virgil Van Dijk Publishes Lengthy Statement Confirming Desire To Leave Southampton And Try Hand Elsewhere

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Virgil van Dijk has released a statement in which he strongly criticises Southampton for refusing to sell him this summer.

The Dutch centre-half has been touted by the likes of Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City over the close season, with even the Saints' £50million valuation refusing to deter the 26-year-old's array of besmitten suitors.

Euro 2017: Netherlands Women Win First-Ever Major Title After 4-2 Win Over Denmark (Video)

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The Netherlands Women won their first-ever major title after an entertaining 4-2 win against Denmark in front of a sold-out28,182 crowd in Enschede.

Denmark opened the scoring after just six minutes, with Nadia Nadim converting a penalty afterSanne Troelsgaard was fouled in the box.

The Winners Take It All: Arsenal Win Community Shield After Entertaining ‘ABBA’ Penalty Shoot-Out Win Against Chelsea (Photos & Video)

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Before the game, four wreaths were laid on the pitch in memory of the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire, with a minute's silence following.

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Premier League champions Chelsea started with Michy Batshuayi up front and new-signing Alvaro Morata on the bench.

‘Play F***ing Football!’ – Jurgen Klopp Furious With Players During Liverpool’s 3-1 Win Over Athletic Bilbao (Video)

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Liverpool secured a 3-1 win against La Liga side Athletic Bilbao on Saturday in Dublin, in their last friendly before the Premier League begins next weekend.

However, despite the win, Jurgen Klopp was unimpressed by his players during the game, with one particular colourful outburst picked up by the television pitch-side mics.

Ligue 1: Neymar Watches From Stands As New-Boys Amiens Try Unorthodox Kick-Off Routine Against PSG (Video)

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Amiens made their Ligue 1 debut on Saturday against a Neymar-less Paris St Germain, and the new-boys decided to kick off their top-flight adventure in intriguing style.

From the kick-off, Amiens' striker Seybou Koita launched the ball into touch deep in the Paris half in a move more rugby than football.

Sunderland Reveal New 2017/18 Away Kit By Allowing One Special Fan To Wear It To First Game Of Season (Photos)

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Sunderland came up with a novel way to launch their new away kit, by having just one lone fan wear it to their first match of the Championship season.

The Black Cats played host to Derby at the Stadium of Light on Friday evening, with supporter Brendan O'Donnell tasked with mingling amongst the crowd while wearing the club's new baby blue strip.

Chinese Super League: Ex-Southampton Striker Graziano Pellè Bags Beauty for Shandong Luneng (Video)

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Graziano Pellè netted an absolute stunner in the Chinese Super League on Saturday, courtesy of a beautiful volley in Shandong Luneng Taishan's 2-2 draw with Beijing Guoan.

The 32-year-old Pellè left Southampton for China last summer, duly becoming one of the highest-paid players in the world via a cool £13.

Man Utd: Juan Mata To Donate Portion Of Salary To Charity As Part Of ‘Common Goal’ Campaign

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Juan Mata has pledged to donate a portion of his salary to charity and has urged his fellow professional footballers to do likewise.

The Manchester United forward will donate 1% of his wages to the Common Goal campaign, which has been set upto support grassroots football projects around the world.

Weird, And Not In A Good Way: We Challenge You To Make Any Sense Of Roma’s Unsettling ‘Welcome Neymar’ Video

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Photo: @PSG_inside/Twitter

It kind of sneaked under the radar, but PSG signed Neymar from Barcelona last night for a world record £196million transfer fee.

As soon as the deal was finalised, the Parisian club went big on social media, churning out a deluge of various flashing images and crude Photoshops to welcome their new Brazilian investment unto their fold.

£5 Per Week: Sir Stanley Matthews’ First Ever Stoke City Contract Goes Up For Auction (Photo)

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The Wizard of Dribble: Sir Stanley Matthews in action for Stoke, 1938

The very first contract that Sir Stanley Matthews signed with Stoke City as a 17-year-old in 1932 is about to come up for auction.

Perhaps unsurprising for an 85-year-old document, the contract offers a timely glimpse into professional football's humble past, with Matthews signing on to earn a princely £5 per week at the Potters, dropping to £3 per week in the off-season.

Champions League Play-Offs: Liverpool Begin Qualification Campaign With Double-Header Against Hoffenheim

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The balls are out of the fishbowls and Liverpool will kick off their first Champions League campaign in three years with a play-off against Hoffenheim.

Hoffenheim will be competing in UEFA's big cup for the very first time after their prodigious young coach, Julian Nagelsmann, guided them to a fourth-place finish in the Bundesliga last season.

‘I Have Never Been Motivated By Money’ – Neymar Holds His New Work Shirt Aloft At PSG Unveiling (Photos)

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PSG have unveiled their new £196million plaything to the world, with Neymar getting his hands on his new work uniform for the first time at an introductory press conference in Paris.

The Brazilian joined PSG president Nasser Al-Khelaifi for a natter, wittering on about 'new challenges' and the like.

Official: Leicester Sign Man City Starlet Kelechi Iheanacho For £25m

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One of the longest running transfer rumours of the summer has finally reached its conclusion, with Leicester City coughing up a reported £25m for the services of Manchester City striker Kelechi Iheanacho.

The 20-year-old looked set for a glittering career with the Citizens, netting 21 goals in 64 games since his debut for the club in 2015.

Euro 2017: England Women Crash Out After Semi-Defeat Against Netherlands (Video)

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England's hopes of Euro 2017 glory came to a rather disappointing end in Enschede on Thursday evening, with Mark Sampson's side beaten 3-0 by the Netherlands.

Having beaten France in the last eight and with Germany out of the competition, England had a very good chance of going all the way this summer.

Official: PSG Complete Bonkers Deal To Sign Neymar, Announce His Grand Arrival With Series Of Crude Photoshops

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Image: @PSG_inside/Twitter

We sincerely doubt it's the last we're going to hear on the matter, but PSG have this evening confirmed that Neymar is officially under their employ.

In fitting style, the Ligue 1 side formally announced the Brazilian's arrival with a series of cheap, crudely Photoshopped images and a smattering of naff videos.

Chapecoense To Wear Special Shirt With 71 Stars, One For Each Victim Of Tragic Air Crash, In Upcoming Friendly Against Barcelona

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Photo: Umbro Football

As part of their collective rehabilitation, Chapecoense are due to play Barcelona in a friendly next Monday evening.

Of course, Chape saw their club decimated in November of last year when a plane carrying almost every member of their squad and staff crashed on the approach to Medellin airport in Colombia, killing 71 of the 77 people on board.

‘160,000 People Were Killed’ – Legia Warsaw Fans Keep It Light With Graphic Pre-Match Tifo About 1944 Uprising (Photo & Video)

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Photo via @Regista_Michael/Twitter

On Wednesday night, Legia Warsaw played Astana in a Champions League qualifier that just so happened to coincide with the 73rd anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising.

The Uprising began on 1st August 1944, as Polish civilians revolted in an attempt to free their city from Nazi occupation.

Fighting Insidious Evil On All Fronts: Premier League Take Action To Ban Groundsmen From Creating Elaborate Pitch Designs

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"Boo. Down with this sort of thing"

The Premier League have leapt into action to tackle the most insidious evil facing their product today: elaborate pitch designs.

Thankfully, as of the publication of the League's new influx of rules for 2017/18, the frightful displays of grassy decadence we were regularly confronted with last season Leicester City being prime offenders will be a thing of the past.

Official(ish): West Brom Have The Best Pies In The Premier League!

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They may be rather tedious in almost every other regard, but West Brom can rejoice in the fact that they (sort of) officially boast the Premier League's finest matchday pie experience a subject we take rather seriously round these parts.

The study was conducted by Coral, whoenlisted the help of 'Life of Pies' author Martin Tarbuck and the Pierate pie review system to ascertain which club served the finest pie in the top flight last season.

Outstanding: La Liga Simply Refuse To Accept Payment From PSG To Prevent (Or At Least Stall) Neymar Leaving Barcelona

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Neymar's imminent £198million move from Barcelona to PSG has hit a very minor, minor snag in that La Liga are flat-out refusing to accept the Ligue 1 club's payment.

La Liga are protesting against PSG exploiting what they have called "financial doping" to purloin one of their biggest stars, blocking the payment on the grounds that it violates UEFA Financial Fair Play (FFP) rules and it just isn't bloody fair.

Turkey: Besiktas Announce Alvaro Negredo Signing With Truly Horrendous Clip (Video)

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We've seen some very slick and rather clever clips this summer announcing new signings, with the likes of AS Roma and Southampton getting all meta on us.

However, in announcing the arrival of Spanish hitman Alvaro Negredo from Valencia, Turkish giants Besiktas produced their own rather 'interesting' take on the genre.

Man Utd: Nemanja Matic Wallops Fan With Ball But Red Devils Beat Sampdoria 2-1 (Video)

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Manchester United enjoyed a 2-1 victory against Sampdoria in their final pre-season game of the summer on Wednesday evening, with goals fromHenrikh Mkhitaryan and Juan Mata securing the win.

New-signing Nemanja Matic impressed in the game in Dublin. However, one fan at the Aviva Stadium got a rather unfortunate first-hand taste of the Serb's power.

Official: Barcelona Confirm Neymar Shirked Today’s Training Session As PSG Move Edges Nearer To Completion

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It would appear for all the world that Neymar's increasingly tiresome 'shock' transfer from Barcelona to PSG is finally gearing up to go through.

Indeed, Barca have taken the unorthodox tack of officially confirming that the Brazilian forward shirked training at the Joan Gamper centre this morning.

Open To Offers: Dundee United Attempt To Sell Goalkeeper Cammy Bell On Twitter

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Dundee United goalkeeper Cammy Bell saves one of three penalties against Dunfermline, 2016

Just as you might whack your old W-reg Vauxhall Corsa up on Gumtree in the hope of a quick sale, Dundee United have harnessed the power of social media to flog off their old goalkeeper.

Cammy Bell made 49 appearances for the Tangerines last season, notably saving three penalties in one half of one of them, but that hasn't stopped the club from putting him up for sale.

‘Can I Speak To You?’ – Louis Saha Tries To Slytherin To JK Rowling’s DMs With Most Intriguing Tweet Of 2017

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Former Manchester United and Fulham striker Louis Saha is either looking for love or literary debate after he caught the internet's attention by aiming an unexpected late night tweet at Harry Potter author JK Rowling.

Champion's League-winner Saha who retired from the game in 2013 after unsatisfying spells with Sunderland and Lazio hit up the world's richest woman with the surprise message just after 11pm on Tuesday night.

Unsurprisingly, Freddy Adu Has Decided Against Joining The Polish Side That Forgot His Name And Branded Him ‘An Old Vacuum Cleaner’

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Photo: @SandecjaNS/Twitter

Quite wisely, Freddy Adu has decided against joining Sandecja Nowy Sacz after receiving a less-than-affectionate welcome from the Polish side their manager, specifically.

After hearing his team were taking Adu on trial, Sandecja bossRadosław Mroczkowski began by getting Adu's name wrong before vehemently stating that he didn't want to work with the former MLS starlet and that the 28-year-old wouldn't be allowed to train with the first team.

Blast Off: Roma Have Francesco Totti’s Final Shirt Launched Into Space For Some Reason (Photo & Video)

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As testament to Francesco Totti's longevity and years of faithful service, Roma have strapped one of his shirts to a rocket and blasted it into orbit.

Totti made his 786th and final appearance for his beloved Roma before bowing out back in May, thus bringing to a close his 24-year playing career.

Horror Hair Hall Of Fame: Misty-Eyed Retrospective Of Neymar’s Most Ludicrous Looks, 2010-2013

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With Neymar about to make the second show-stopping enormo-move of his career, Pies thought we'd offer a timely glimpse back into his humble-ish beginnings at Santos.

Specifically, we simply fancied making fun of his old 2008-2013 hairstyles, almost all of which were astounding exercises in follicular folly.

Reports: Kelechi Iheanacho To Undergo Leicester City Medical Ahead Of £25m Move From Man City

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If feels like it's been grumbling on for a bloody age, but Kelechi Iheanacho's protracted move from Man City to Leicester City looks like it's finally entering the end stages.

According to Telegraph writer John Percy, the 20-year-old Nigerian striker is to undergo a medical with the Foxes on Tuesday with an official announcement due thereafter presuming the scans don't find any papier-mâché bones or extra toes, etc.

Football Tat: Ronaldinho Launches His Own Line Of ‘Limited Edition’ Fidget Spinners (Photo)

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Photo: @ronaldinho/Instagram

Already boasting his very own line of own-brand luxury condoms, it's perhaps only natural that Ronaldinho has now moved into the fidget spinner racket.

For the uninitiated, fidget spinners are basically faddy little gyroscopic-type gizmos that you spin, watch spinning, stop, then spin some more.

J-League: Lukas Podolski Wore Very Special Pair Of Custom Boots For His Vissel Kobe Debut (Photo)

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Lukas Podolski made his J-League debut for Vissel Kobe on Saturday evening, scoring twice in a 3-1 victory overOmiya Ardija.

The German striker also decided to dress up all nice for the occasion, donning a very special pair of custom boots.

Indeed, Poldi had his old Adizeros plastered with a graphic of Kojiro Hyuga, a character from the ever-popular Captain Tsubasa manga series.

‘It’s A Strange One’ – Gary Neville Questions Wisdom Of Chelsea Flogging Nemanja Matic To Rivals Man Utd

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Photo: @ManUtd/Twitter

He's not the only one, but Gary Neville has called into question the wisdom of Chelsea's decision to flog Nemanja Matic to rivals Manchester United.

The Serbian midfielder signed a three-year deal with United on Monday afternoon, with Chelsea receiving somewhere between £35-40million into the bargain.

Freddy Adu Joins Polish Side Sandecja Nowy Sacz On Trial, Manager Forgets His Name Then Likens Him To ‘An Old Vacuum Cleaner’

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Touted to set the MLS on fire at the ridiculously young age of 14, Freddy Adu's subsequent senior career trajectory has seen him struggle to live up to the hype while trudging through a succession of short, unremarkable stints in Portugal, Turkey, Greece, Brazil, Serbia and the Finnish third tier.

Summer Of ‘Over-Elaborate Player Unveils’ Continues As Sevilla Stage Fake Kidnapping To Acquire Jesus Navas (Video)

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Image: @SevillaFC/Twitter

This could be the very moment that the summer of the 'elaborate player unveiling video' jumps the shark Sevilla have kidnapped Jesus!

Indeed, the Spanish side have announced their re-acquisition of Jesus Navas by having him kidnapped off the street, bundled into the boot of a car and taken to the Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan.

‘He Has The Worst Performances’ – Indonesia Club Persib Bandung Want To Sack Carlton Cole For Playing ‘Very Badly’

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Photo: Persib Bandung

Carlton Cole only signed for Persib Bandung a matter of months ago and already the Indonesian side are exploring the option of terminating his contract.

The Persib management have reportedly either fired or are about to fire Cole for what they have branded a run of "very bad" performances.