Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2017

Fashanu Police: Former Wimbledon Striker Jailed In Nigeria Over Alleged Property Scam

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John Fashanu will have spent time in some real dives while coming up the leagues with Millwall and Wimbledon but nothing quite as dicey as a Nigerian prison.

Incidentally, that's exactly where 'Fash' found himself earlier this month after being arrested on suspicion of "criminal conspiracy" in the Nigerian capital city of Abuja, with claims he duped a friend in the process.

Sunderland Player Darron Gibson Openly Admits Sunderland Players Are ‘F**king Sh*t’ While Drunkenly Chatting With Fans (Video)

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Sunderland midfielder Darron Gibson has delivered a grim assessment of his teammates, calling them all "f**king sh*t" while accusing a select few of not wanting to play for the club.

Gibson delivered his scathing State of the Union address shortly after Sunderland were drubbed 5-0 by Celtic in an embarrassing friendly defeat at the Stadium of Light on Saturday afternoon.

Exclusive: Pies In Prague – Everton See Off Burnley To Lift Trophy As CEE Cup Wraps Up In Fine Style (Photos & Highlights)

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Photo: CEE Cup/Facebook

Lo and behold, it was Everton that ending up whisking the Generali CEE Cup back home to Merseyside with them.

A resounding 3-1 victory over fellow countrymen Burnley ensured that the Toffees were the first team from outside Eastern Europe to win the seventh annual staging of the fast-growing and increasingly prestigious youth tournament.

Reports: Nemanja Matic On Cusp Of Leaving Chelsea As First Image Of Him Wearing Man Utd Kit Supposedly Leaks (Photo)

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Word has it that Nemanja Matic is now within the width of a gnat's nobblies of completing his big transfer to Manchester United.

It's being widely reported that United are "close" to signing the Serbian midfielder from Chelsea for a fee in the £40million region.

Indeed, a leaked image of Matic wearing a United shirt is doing the rounds on social media, though whether or not it's kosher is being hotly debated.

Inter Milan: Geoffrey Kondogbia Claws One Back For Chelsea With Outstanding 50-Yard Lob Own-Goal (Video)

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If only o' only there were a Puskas Award for own-goal of the season, Geoffrey Kondogbia may just have sealed the 2017/18 edition several weeks before the start of the season.

The Inter Milan midfielder pulled one back for Chelsea in the latter stages of their International Champions Cup friendly in Singapore, casually clipping a 50-yard lob over his own goalkeeper.

Ligue 2: Nancy Striker Patrik Eler Marks Debut By Belting The Absolute Living Sh*t Out Of 40-Yard Freekick (Video)

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Photo: @asnlofficiel/Twitter

Having only signed for the club a few days prior, striker Patrik Eler made his debut for AS Nancy-Lorraine in their Ligue 2 season opener against US Orleans on Friday evening.

Nancy ended up losing 3-1, though Eler was responsible for grabbing the consolation goal chiefly by belting the ever-loving sh*t out of a long-range freekick just 19 minutes into his first ever appearance for the club.

Official: West Brom Appoint Old Boy Gary Megson As Assistant To Tony Pulis

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Great news for fans who despise passing and prefer all goals to be scored from corner kicks, West Brom have appointed Gary Megson as assistant manager to Tony Pulis.

Megson was first appointed as manager of the Baggies 17 years ago, first skirting clear of a relegation to Division Two and subsequently leading them to their first ever promotion up to the Premier League in 2001/02.

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez Pulls Unconvincing ‘Instagram Sickie’ Less Than 24 Hours After Being Told To Report For Pre-Season Training (Photo)

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Arsenal forward Alexis Sanchez is apparently claiming that he's far, far too ill to report for pre-season training as requested.

The Chilean was supposed to return to London Colney this Sunday after being granted an extended summer furlough to compensate for his participation in the Confederations Cup in June.

Europa League: Rivaldinho Scores 30-Yard Missile For Dinamo Bucharest As Father Rivaldo Goes Loopy In The Crowd (Video)

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Father and son (Photo: FC Dinamo Official/Facebook)

Dinamo Bucuresti were in Europa League action on Thursday night, hosting Athletic Bilbao in the first leg of the third qualifying round.

The Romanian side fell behind in the early stages when Athletic defender Aymeric Laporte nodded home from close range with a little over 20 minutes played.

Non-League: Jermaine Pennant Joins Billericay Town To Take Staggering Weekly Wage Bill Beyond £3,000 Mark

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Nothing is official quite yet, but Jermaine Pennant is on the cusp of becoming the first ever footballer to have played in a Champions League final and the Isthmian Premier Division.

A little over a decade ago, Pennant played all 90 minutes in Liverpool's 2-1 defeat to AC Milan at the Olympic Stadium in Athens.

Barcelona: Neymar Walks Out Of Training Session After Minor Scuffle With New Signing Nelsen Semedo (Video)

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Hardly the most efficient way to dispel rumours of a move to PSG, Neymar has thrown a tantrum and walked out of a Barcelona training session this morning after tangling with a teammate.

The Brazilian whimbrel took umbrage at a sturdy challenge from new signing Nelson Semedo, with the pair having a quick swat at each other before being separated.

Ex-QPR Midfielder Joey Barton Banned From Taking Part In Grenfell Tower Charity Match At Loftus Road

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QPR have announced that they plan to stage a charity match to raise money for the victims of the Grenfell Tower disaster.

As you might expect, the Championship club plan to host the match at Loftus Road, which is just a mile or so down the road from the tower block which went up in flames and took the lives of at least 80 people on 14th June.

Hark At These Glorious 360-Degree Images Of Argentinian Football Stadiums (Photos)

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Ever wished you could view a succession of Argentinian football stadiums, all 360 degrees at once?

Well, Brazilian photographerGabriel Uchida (@uchidagabriel) has spent months touring a variety of Argentina's football grounds, across several different divisions, so you can do exactly that from the comfort of your own living room.

RB Leipzig Director Ralf Rangnick Issues Semi-Apology After Saying Iffy Things About Liverpool Target Naby Keita And His ‘Village’

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One of the more tedious transfer yarns of the summer has taken a turn for the sour, after RB Leipzig sporting director Ralf Rangnick let some very dubious comments about Liverpool target Naby Keita slip yesterday.

Discussing Leipzig's reluctance to part with Keita, Rangnick claimed that the club were not only fending off pressure from Liverpool, but also from "a whole village in Guinea" who are, at least in Rangnick's mind, attempting to coerce Keita into chasing the money.

Patrick Kluivert’s Nine-Year-Old Son Has Just Signed His First Endorsement Deal With Nike (Photo)

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When Pies' were nine years old, we were far too busy racing our penny farthings and playing hoop-and-stick in the streets to worry about signing endorsement deals with global sportswear conglomerates.

Alas, times have changed, and now we live in a world where Patrick Kluivert's nine-year-old son Shane has a lucrative sponsorship deal with Nike which he announced himself via his very own verified Instagram account.

Kind Of Blue: Arsenal Officially Unveil Their Shiny New 2017/18 Away Kit (Photos)

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Photo: Arsenal FC

With a new home and third strip already 'activated', Arsenal have completed the set by finally unveiling their new 2017/18 away kit.

The strip features a subtle blue gradient with a metallic shimmer and is so tight you'll be able to inspect all your favourite players' internal organs for abnormalities.

On The Money: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Immortalised On Swedish 1,000 Krona Bank Note (Photo)

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He may be out of a job at the moment, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic is still very much in the money or on the money, as the case may be.

Having already been immortalised in postage stamp form, the Swedish super-duperstar has been further honoured by having his face added to the 1,000 krona bank note.

Bench Mark: Czech Side Viktoria Plzen Unveil Brilliant New Novelty ‘Beer Can’ Dugouts (Photos)

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Photo: @fcvitorkaplzen/Twitter

Viktoria Plzen have installed new dugouts at their Doosan Arena stadium and, ordinarily, that probably wouldn't be worth noting.

However, thanks to a new sponsorship deal with Czech beer barons Gambrinus, Plzen's new subs benches have been shaped to look like two enormous cans of lager.

‘One Great Enemy We Must All Endeavour To Fear Not Conquering Is Fear’ – Bray Wanderers Chairman Releases Greatest Club Statement Of All Time

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Carlisle Grounds, home to Bray Wanderers

After it looked touch and go for a while, Bray Wanderers have today proudly announced that that club is financially stable for the time being.

The cash-strapped League of Ireland side had drawn up plans to redevelop their old Carlisle Ground home and use the proceeds to build themselves a new stadium, as well as a top notch football academy facility they insist will "rival the best in the world".

Pre-Season Classics: Mario Balotelli Tosses It Off With A Backheel Only To Be Immediately Substituted, 2011 (Video)

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Pre-season is a time for experimentation, a time for frivolity, and yet Mario Balotelli famously found himself chastised for both during Man City's meaningless friendly Herbalife World Football Challenge match against LA Galaxy in July of 2011.

Balotelli opened the scoring with an early penalty at the Home Depot Center, then shortly thereafter found himself presented with a routine chance to double both his and City's tally.

Chronic Case Of The Anichebes: Daley Blind Drops Instagram Clanger By Failing To Observe Proper Copy+Paste Etiquette (Photo)

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Daley Blind has become the latest footballer to come a cropper while copy+pasting generic commercial platitudes on his social media accounts.

The Dutch defender shared a photo of himself posing wistfully in Manchester United's new third shirt on Instagram, along with a caption that he failed to fully edit before publishing.

Dead Ball Specialist: Sinisa Mihajlovic, 48, Casually Scores Freekicks For Fun During Torino Training Session (Video)

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While there were aspects of his game (and personal beliefs) that were perhaps most politely described as 'dubious', Sinisa Mihajlovic was undeniably a grand player in his pomp.

A viciously tenacious defender, the ex-Sampdoria and Lazio star also boasted a mean line in set-piece dispatchery.

Mansfield Town CEO Carolyn Radford Launches Bid For Seat On FA Council With Quirky, But Largely Awful Campaign Song (Video)

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Photo: Mansfield Town FC

Mansfield Town chief executive Carolyn Radford has applied to represent the Football League with a seat on the FA Council.

Radford is one of five applicants bidding to land one of two available places on the council, which serves to vote and usher in policy changes within the FA itself.

Diego Maradona Announces He’s Very Much In Favour Of Video-Assisted Refereeing Being Used To Prevent Cheating In Football

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The hand that did the damage: Diego Maradona has just been unveiled as the new coach of FC Fujairah of the UAE

Diego Maradona has had his say on video-assisted refereeing (VAR), speaking out as a somewhat unlikely advocate of the controversial new system.

Maradona famously benefited from an absence of such technology at the 1986 World Cup, when he used his divine extremity to plink the ball over Peter Shilton and 'hand' Argentina the lead against England in the quarter-finals.

Exclusive: Pies In Prague – Hectic CEE Cup Semi-Final Day Ends With Burnley And Everton Emerging Victorious (Photos & Highlights)

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Burnley's youngsters faced a tough semi-final against Turkish opposition (Photo: CEE Cup/Facebook)

Day Four at the CEE Cup was semi-final day, with all four remaining teams having rightfully earned their place at the business end.

The strongest sides in the competition had risen to the top and were now set to do mortal combat – cue excitable 16-bit techno music with the prospect of an all-English final on the cards.

Le Plot Thickens: Monaco-Based Journalist Confirms Club ‘Formally Deny’ Striking Any Deal With Real Madrid For Kylian Mbappe

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Well, well. That's what you get for believing MARCA. Turns out

It would appear that Real Madrid haven't agreed a world-transfer-record-obliterating deal to sign Kylian Mbappe after all, as reported by the Madrid-based newspaper earlier today.

The story has been scotched by a fairly well-placed source, namelyFabien Pigalle a reliable French journalist with the Nice-Matin newspaperwho deemed to be an authoritative voice on all things AS.

Russian Farmer Builds Football Stadium Out Of Straw In Protest At Spiralling Cost Of New Zenit St Petersburg Arena (Photos)

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Photo: @AP_Sports/Twitter

A farmer from Russia has built an entire stadium using straw in a gentle mockery of the spiralling costs incurred by his football team, Zenit St Petersburg, and their vastly expensive new stadium.

Indeed, Zenit has reportedly spent in the region of £550million building and opening their new eponymous 64,000-capacity arena in time for the 2018 World Cup.

Official: West Ham Sign Javier Hernandez In £16m Deal, Set Up Spanish Twitter Account To Cope With Influx Of New Fans

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The deal is done. West Ham have signed Javier Hernandez from Bayer Leverkusen for a fee of around £16million.

The 29-year-old Mexican striker flew to London to sign a three-year contract on Monday afternoon before flying back out to Germany to meet up with his new side at their pre-season training camp.

‘I Feel Like I Was Tricked’ – Unloved And Pining For Home, Lucas Perez Desperate To Ditch Arsenal At Soonest Possible Juncture

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Unsurprisingly, Lucas Perez is desperate to leave Arsenal and has been for some time now.

The forward joined the Gunners from Deportivo la Coruna last August in a£17million move but proceeded to make just nine starts in his maiden season, amassing a grand total of just 490 minutes on the pitch overall.

Reports: Real Madrid To Blow World Transfer Record To Smithereens After Agreeing €180m Deal To Sign Kylian Mbappe From Monaco

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Stand by your beds, this is not a drill. MARCA are going big with the news that Real Madrid are about to shatter the world transfer record to sign Kylian Mbappe.

The Madrid-based paper are claiming that Real have had an eye-watering€180million offer accepted by Monaco "in principle" that's €160million up front, with a further€20million made up in various bonuses.

Retro Football: Henrik Larsson Gets Celtic Career Off To An Absolute Bloody Stinker, 1997 (Videos)

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Photo: Alamy (via Celtic FC)

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the day Henrik Larsson first pitched up at Celtic Park with a glint in his eye and a head festooned with matted off-beige tendrils.

Celtic paid just £650,000 to purloin the Swedish striker from Feyenoord and, by the time he left for Barcelona in 2004, he'd arguably just about paid for himself.

Exclusive: Pies In Prague – Leicester Crash Out As Semi-Finals Take Shape On CEE Cup Day Three (Photos & Highlights)

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Day three, and Everton were in action against Hungarian side Gyori (Photo: CEE Cup/Facebook)

Well. We predicted something of a goal glut after day two's proceedings had drawn to a close, but nothing quite like this.

Day three of the Generali CEE Cup had more big scores than Abraham Lincoln banged on about at Gettysburg and sought to separate the would be-men from the already-are-boys in this proving ground of a tournament.

Official: Man City Fritter Away Another £52m To Bring In Benjamin Mendy From Monaco (Photo)

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Photo: @ManCity/Twitter

Man City have burned through another £52million to sign left-back Benjamin Mendy from Monaco.

The 23-year-old has signed a five-year deal at City and has flown out to Los Angeles to meet his new teammates for the first time...

Please welcome @benmendy23 to Manchester City!

Antonio Cassano Terminates Contract One Week After Signing For Hellas Verona, And Just Five Days After Retiring (Then Un-Retiring)

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As you may recall, Antonio Cassano confused all and sundry by signing for Hellas Verona on 11th July only to retire from football altogether just eight days later.

He then reversed his decision to retire just four hours after that, vowing to play on as originally planned for the newly-promoted Serie A side.

Chelsea Confirm Pedro Suffered ‘Multiple Fractures’ After Being Poleaxed By David Ospina During Recent Arsenal Friendly (Video)

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Chelsea have confirmed that Pedro suffered "multiple fractures" after being turned inside-out by Arsenal 'keeper David Ospina during a friendly encounter between the two sides in Beijing on Saturday.

Pedro was flattened when Ospina came charging out to punch a ball clear only to inadvertently poleaxe the Spanish forward in the process.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: After 125 Years Of Oversight, Liverpool Finally Have An Official ‘Regional Chinese Bottled Water Partner’

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Liverpool Football Club was founded in 1892, meaning that for over 125 years they've somehow been operating without an official regional water partner in China.

Thankfully, that flagrant oversight has now been addressed, with the Reds proudly announcing that Tibet Water Resources Limited have agreed to step into the void and become the club's official Chinese bottled water suppliers.

Slip & Slide: QPR Players Find Alternative Way To Entertain Fans After Union Berlin Friendly Scuppered By Waterlogged Pitch (Video)

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QPR travelled all the way to Germany for a friendly against Union Berlin on Saturday, only to see the match scuttled while it was in progress due to the torrential rain that enveloped theStadion An der Alten Forsterei.

Sure enough, the referee deemed the sodden conditions too treacherous to continue, leaving both teams to find alternative ways to keep themselves and the fans in attendance entertained.

Friendly: Man Utd Pip Real Madrid On Penalties In San Diego, Symbolism Rife As Ronald McDonald Leads Teams Out Of Tunnel (Photos & Video)

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The symbolism was on point as none other than Ronald McDonald himself was charged with leading both the Manchester United and Real Madrid players out of the tunnel for Sunday's International Champions Cup friendly in San Siego.

Sure enough, the world's premier fast-food harlequin escorted the two teams out of the tunnel at the Levi's Stadium, resplendent in gaudy red and gold.

Exclusive: Pies In Prague – Day Two Of The CEE Cup Serves Up An Avalanche Of Goals As Burnley Sashay Into The Semis (Photos & Video)

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Day two of the Generali CEE Cup saw the action open up, the goals flow and Burnley become the first side to book their place in the semi-finals of the competition.

The red hot Prague sun continued to beat down on players and spectators alike. Your reporter came prepared this time, liberally doused in sun cream after ending day one lookinglike the fabled Rock Lobster of B-52s fame.

‘I Pray For You’ – Kevin-Prince Boateng Vows To Wear Undershirt In Support Of Abdelhak Nouri For Entire Season (Photo)

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Kevin-Prince Boateng has announced that he will wear an undershirt in tribute to stricken Ajax midfielder Abdelhak 'Abbie' Nouri for the entirety of next season.

As you no doubt recall, Nouri, 20, suffered "serious and permanent" brain damage after collapsing during a pre-season friendly a fortnight or so ago.

Official: Alvaro Morata Joins Chelsea In £58m Deal And Looks Damn Suave While Doing So (Photo)

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This time last week he was * this * close to joining Manchester United and now look Alvaro Morata is officially a Chelsea player.

The 24-year-old striker has completed a move from Real Madrid, signing a five-year deal at Stamford Bridge.

Here's a message from the new boy @AlvaroMorata.

Official: Kurt Zouma Joins Stoke On Season-Long Loan From Chelsea (Photo)

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Stoke City have pulled off a rather neato little coup by securing the services of Kurt Zouma on a season-long loan from Chelsea.

The deal was made official this afternoon...

✍️ #SCFC are pleased to confirm the signing of @KurtZouma on a season-long loan from @premierleague Champions @ChelseaFC#WelcomeZouma ⚪️ pic.

Friendly: Lukaku And Rashford Notch Nifty Goals As Man Utd Beat Man City In Houston (Photos & Video)

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Houston's NRG Stadium played host to the first ever Manchester derby to be played on foreign soil on Thursday night, with the two sides squaring off in the International Champions Cup apropos of nothing.

For what little it's worth, United emerged victorious in front of over 67,000 fans as Romelu Lukaku and Marcus Rashford both registered smart goals in a 2-0 win for Jose Mourinho's mob.

Man Utd’s Snazzy New ‘Holy Trinity’ Silver Third Shirt Was Designed By A 21-Year-Old Fan (Photos & Video)

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Photo: Manchester United/Adidas Football

Manchester United have released their new third kit for 2017-18 and it's not nearly as bad as it might have been.

When images of the strip leaked a couple of months back it looked like United's 'Holy Trinity' homage was shaping up to be an eyesore "Morph and his family choosing which rollercoaster to go on" but, mercifully, the design is much more subtle than first feared.

MLS: Kei Kamara Posts Wonderful Twitter Rant After Receiving $1,250 Fine For Wearing Odd Socks (Video)

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Once briefly of Norwich and Middlesbrough, Kei Kamara is currently on the books New England Revolution where he recently picked up a fine for the heinous crime of wearing a pair of unauthorised socks.

Indeed, the 32-year-old striker was stung for $1,250 by the MLS top brass for taking to the pitch wearing a pair of Trusox support socks.

Exclusive: Pies In Prague – Sunburn, Shut-Outs And Six-Goal Pummellings On Opening Day Of CEE Cup (Photos & Highlights)

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Over the next week or two, Pies' man-in-the-field, Joseph Viney, will be in Prague to report in on the 2017 Generali CEE Cup – the annual international Under-19s tournament for club sides from Central and Eastern Europe (hence ‘CEE').

The View From Day One.

In its heyday, Prague's Strahov Stadium allegedly boasted a maximum capacity of anywhere from 220,000 to 300,000 once ram-packed to the rafters.

Retro Football Sponsorship Deals: Arsenal Hard-Arse Steve Bould Models For ‘Arrow’ Boots, 1992 (Photo)

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The year was 1991; Anthony Hopkins was knee-deep in Hannibal Lecter, Vanilla Ice was bringing Caucasian hip-hop to the masses, Arsenal were First Division champions and all the cool kids wanted to be Steve Bould.

After the Gunners took the title while losing just one game all season, sportswear brands were queuing around the block to snap up their stars on endorsement deals.

Official: Javier Hernandez Set To Join West Ham After Club Agrees £16m Deal With Bayer Leverkusen

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Embed from Getty Images

Javier Hernandez is set for a return to the Premier League, after West Ham agreed a £16m deal with German side Bayer Leverkusen for the Mexican striker.

The 29-year-old will now fly to London to agree personal terms and complete a medical.

A deal has been agreed for @CH14_https://t.

Heavy Meta: Roma Unveil New-Signing Gregoire Defrel With Cheeky Spoof Of Parody Clips (Video)

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Coming on the back of their superb tongue-in-cheek YouTube-inspired announcement of the signing of Cengiz Under, the Roma media team have decided to go step further, celebrating the arrivalGrégoire Defrel to the club with a parody of a parody.

With Southampton's fabulous spoof video of Stuart Taylor's contract extension in their sights, Roma have decided to spoof that spoof, going into bizarre post-meta territory.

Top 10: Leonardo Bonucci Joins Exclusive Club Of Footballers Who Have Played For AC Milan, Inter Milan And Juventus

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Photo: AC Milan Official

Christian Bonucci is now officially under the employ of AC Milan after completing his shock €42milliontransfer from Juventus today.

The 30-year-old defender has signed a five-year contract at the Rossoneri, with full-back Mattia De Sciglio going to Juve as part of the overall deal.

Real Madrid: Alvaro Morata Hugs Goodbye To Zinedine Zidane And Coaching Staff During Training Session As Chelsea Transfer Looms (Video)

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With a big move to Chelsea hurtling towards completion, Alvaro Morata has left Real Madrid's training camp in Los Angeles in order to meet up with the Blues and finalise the small print of his new contract .

On his final morning with Real, Morata made his way around the training session to personally bid farewell to his colleagues, sharing hugs with

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Gold Cup: Jozy Altidore Gets His Nipple Tweaked As USA Given Rough Ride By El Salvador (Videos)

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The USA registered a 2-0 win over El Salvador in the quarter-finals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup on Wednesday night, but they did so while suffering casualties... namely Jozy Altidore's nipples.

Indeed, El Salvador resorted to some pretty ugly tactics to try and upset the Yanks, with defenderHenry Romero caught attempting to put Altidore off his stride by giving his teats a sneaky tweak.

Bienvenido: Pablo Zabaleta Welcomes Joe Hart To West Ham By Smashing A Volley Past Him In Training (Video)

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After spending nine years as clubmates at Man City, both Pablo Zabaleta and Joe Hart were ushered on to West Ham this summer as part of Pep Guardiola's revitalisation effort.

Zabaleta made the switch over a month ago, while Hart followed in his wake a couple of days ago by securing a season-long loan deal.

Women’s Euro Championship: Jodie Taylor Nets Hat-Trick As England Cruise To Victory Against Scotland (Video)

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Embed from Getty Images

England got their Euro 2017 tournament off to the perfect start after cruising to a comfortable victory against Scotland in Utrecht, with Arsenal striker Jodie Taylor making a history by becoming the first English woman to net a hat-trick at a major finals.

The Scots were making their first ever appearance at the finals of a big tournament and they started brightly.

Reports: Chelsea Agree £60m Fee With Real Madrid For Alvaro Morata

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Embed from Getty Images

After losing out on Romelu Lukaku, Chelsea look to have finally signed a top-class triker, with the Blues reportedly agreeing a deal with Real Madrid to sign Alvaro Morata for a reported £60m.

Morata still has to agree personal terms and pass a medical, but once all that's out of the way, the Spanish international will become Chelsea's fourth signing of the summer, after Willy Caballero, Antonio Rudiger and Tiemoue Bakayoko.

Retro Football: FIFA 97 Soundtrack Featured A Secret Hidden Song – John Motson Commentating/Rapping Over Thumping Techno Track (Video)

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By Mof Gimmers

John Motson has been commentating on football matches since 1971, and in all those hours, he's inevitably said some daft stuff.

However, buried in his gigantic CV is an almost-rap that he did for one of EA's FIFA franchise games.

If you popped your FIFA '97 disc into your stereo, there was an audio track which was only spoken about in the back pages of gaming magazines in the cheats section.

See You At The Crossroads: Liverpool’s Blazin Squad Gather To Say Collective Goodbye To Lucas Leiva (Video)

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After 10 years at Anfield, club stalwart Lucas Leiva brought his decade-long association with Liverpool to an end on Tuesday by signing for Lazio on a free transfer.

Recognising his decade of loyal if largely unspectacular service, the Reds did their bit to wave the departing Brazilian midfielder off.

‘Thanks For The Sincerity’ – West Ham Keeper Adrian Calls Out Chairman David Sullivan Over Disrespectful Joe Hart Comments

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West Ham goalkeeper Adrian has spoken out after joint-chairman David Sullivan appeared to temporarily forget he existed.

Sullivan gave an interview to the Hammers' official website to herald the arrival of Joe Hart, lauding their time together at Birmingham City and proclaiming Hart to be "the best goalkeeper he'd ever worked with".

Friendly: Jay Rodriguez Opens West Brom Account By Locating Top Corner From 20 Yards Against Leicester (Video)

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As you're no doubt aware, the prestigious Premier League Asia Trophy got underway in Hong Kong this morning, with West Brom taking on Leicester City.

The opening goal of the tournament was scored after just 10 minutes, when West Brom new boy Jay Rodriguez cracked a sweet shot into the top corner from 20-yards out.

Reports: Tottenham May End Up Paying Moussa Sissoko To Leave Just 11 Months After Spluffing £30m On Him

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Tottenham are extremely eager to get shot of Moussa Sissoko this summer, and may even be willing to pay through the nose to do so.

For reasons still unexplained, Spurs handed over £30million to sign Sissoko from Newcastle just 11 short, heady months ago.

In that time, the French midfielder made just eight league starts, contributing precisely zero goals and not an awful lot of anything else while slipping out of Mauricio Pochettino's reckoning all together.

Dépêche Mode: Arsene Wenger Wears Funky Custom Arsenal Trainers For Bayern Munich Friendly (Photos)

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This very week, Arsene Wenger officially became the longest-serving manager in Premier League history.

As of Monday, Wenger has outlasted the 7,582 days that Sir Alex Ferguson spent in charge of Manchester United in the Top Flight™, though of course the Scot did spent over five years at the United helm before football began in 1992.

Reports: West Ham Agree £24m Fee For Stoke Attacker Marko Arnautovic

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Marko Arnautovic is set to join West Ham after the Hammers agreed a fee, reported to be around £24m, with Stoke for the Austrian forward.

West Ham have been pushing to sign the muscular 28-year-old all summer, but have already seen two bids rejected by Stoke.

However, now, the former FC Twente, Internazionale and Werder Bremen attacker is headed for east London.

Pies In Prague: An Introduction To The CEE Cup, The Under-19s Tournament Featuring Starlet-Laden Sides From Everton, Burnley And Leicester City

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Over the next week or two, Pies' man-in-the-field, Joseph Viney, will be in Prague to report in on the 2017 Generali CEE Cup the annual international Under-19s tournament for club sides from Central and Eastern Europe (hence 'CEE').

The Premier League will be represented by academy sides from Everton, Burnley and Leicester.

Official: Joe Hart Signs For West Ham On One-Season Loan Deal (Photo)

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'Tis done. England goalkeeper Joe Hart has signed for West Ham on a season-long loan deal from Man City.

The Hammers unveiled their new boy with this piece of nonsensical rigmarole...

Welcome to the family... pic.twitter.com/tx5cpRQDfg

— West Ham United (@WestHamUtd) July 18, 2017

After being informed he was surplus to Pep Guardiola's requirements at City, Hart spent last season on loan at Torino where he conceded 64 goals in 37 Serie A appearances.

SLOW DAY BONANZA: Brazilian Source Claims Neymar Has ‘Accepted Proposal’ To Ditch Barcelona And Join PSG In €222m Monster Move

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WOW WOW WEEWAH. Neymar is ditching Barcelona to sign for PSG after "accepting a proposal" from the Ligue 1 behemoths.

That's according to Brazilian sports channel Esporte Interativo (hardly the most esteemed of sources), who are claiming a whopping exclusive this afternoon...

EXCLUSIVO!

Out Through The In Door: Antonio Cassano Retires From Football Just Eight Days After Signing For Hellas Verona

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Antonio Cassano is to officially announce that, as of this afternoon, he is retiring from professional football.

This presumably comes as quite a shock to his club, Hellas Verona, who only signed the 35-year-old striker eight days ago.

Buon compleanno Antonio!

Friendly: Romelu Lukaku Gets Off The Mark For Man Utd In Routine 2-1 Win Over Real Salt Lake (Photos & Video)

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After pasting LA Galaxy at the weekend, Manchester United maintained their 100% pre-season tour record with a routine 2-1 victory over Real Salt Lake on Monday evening.

United actually fell behind in the 20th minute, only for Henrikh Mikhitaryan to restore parity eight minutes later following a burst of snappy interplay between Jesse Lingard and Romelu Lukaka on the edge of the box.

Reports: West Ham To Shore Up Surprisingly Decent £13m Deal For Javier Hernandez ‘Within Next Seven Days’

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Gird yourselves, but West Ham might just be on the verge of making a half-decent signing that represents half-decent value for money.

According to Sky Sports' transfer hobbit Kaveh Solhekol, the Hammers are working towards a deal to sign Javier Hernandez from Bayer Leverkusen and that the £13million transfer could go through "within the next seven days".

Bullseye: Argentinian Fan Knocks Drone Out Of The Air With Laser-Guided Toilet Roll Missile (Video)

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When a pesky drone descended over Gimnasia de Mendoza's big Torneo Federal tie withCA Mitre on Sunday, one fan in the stands demonstrated the proper decorum in dealing with invasive technology.

Armed solely with a roll of toilet paper (or possibly till roll),

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Shit Football Ink: Alexandre Lacazette On Lookout For Arsenal Fan Who Had French Striker’s Face Tattoed on Derrière

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Alexandre Lacazette is on the lookout for an Arsenal fan who had the French hitman's face tattooed on his backside.

Arsenal fan and Twitter user @sxmleach promised to undergo the radical ink if Lacazette signed on the dotted line for the Gunners.

if Arsenal sign Lacazette i'll get a tattoo of his face somewhere on me body

‘Serious And Professional Soccer Player And Strong!!!’ – World Cup Winner Cristian Zaccardo Posts Job Plea On LinkedIn

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A member of the Italian squad which lifted the 2006 World Cup, Crisitian Zaccardo has taken to LinkedIn in search of a new club.

The wing-back appeared for Serie B side Vicenza last season, with the team ultimately relegated at the end of the campaign.

Now, the 35-year-old has posted a come-and-get-me message on LinkedIn, in the hope of securing a new team ahead of the new season.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Heracles Almelo Become First Club In World To Create ‘Youth Academy’ For Their E-Sports Team

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Heracles Almelo have become the first football club in the world to open a 'youth academy' for their own in-house eSports team.

Yes, you read that correctly and that is why you're now involuntarily weeping.

Not only do Heracles have an eSports team, but they now have an eSports academy with which they plan to gather, nurture and cultivate young eSports proteges of the future.

Chelsea: Diego Costa Spends Pre-Season Partying In Brazil While Wearing Atletico Madrid Shirt (Video)

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Diego Costa has provided us with further circumstantial evidence (if it were needed) that he won't be a Chelsea player next season.

The striker reportedly already has one foot out of the door at Stamford Bridge having seen his already fractious relationship with manager Antonio Conte dissolve to nowt over the past few weeks.

‘You Sh*tty Hunchback’ – Jilted Fiorentina Fans Say Fond Farewell To Federico Bernardeschi As Juventus Move Nears (Photo)

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Word on the calcio wire is that Federico Bernardeschi is mere days away from completing his big move to Juventus, having enjoyed a breakthrough season at Fiorentina last season.

Bernardeschi first joined the Viola as a kid in 2003. Now aged 23, the winger scored an impressive 17 goals in 48 appearances last season, reportedly bumping his asking price up to around the €50million mark.

‘We Just Couldn’t Handle Their 37 Forwards’ – Inverness Boss Gives Brilliant Deadpan Interview After Losing Heavily To Team Of 100 Children (Video)

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Photo: @ICTFC_MFL/Twitter

Just as Dundee did a day or so ago, Inverness Caledonian Thistle kicked off their pre-season itinerary with a novelty fixture against 100 local kids.

Alas, Caley's first XI suffered an embarrassing defeat against the throng of young opponents, conceding an avalanche of goals in a 20-5 drubbing.

Classic Moments: Goalscoring Goalie Paul Robinson Glances Home Dramatic 90th-Minute Equaliser For Leeds, 2003 (Video)

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Former England goalkeeper Paul Robinson has announced his retirement from professional football today at the grand old age of 37.

Having spent last season on the books at Burnley, Robinson has decided to pack it in after once again succumbing to chronic back pain.

Unfortunately, my back problem returned towards the end of last season and has prevented me being ready for the start of the new season.

Reports: Man City Forgotten Man Joe Hart Set For West Ham Loan Move

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Joe Hart is expected to join West Ham United on loan from Manchester City, according to reports, with the England 'keeper set to undergo a medical tomorrow.

Having found himself out-of-favour under Pep Guardiola, Hart moved to Italy at the start of last season, but struggled to impress with Torino.

Ajax: Thousands Of Fans Gather Outside Abdelhak Nouri’s Family Home To Show Support For Stricken Midfielder (Photos & Video)

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Legions of Ajax fans assembled outside the family home of Abdelhak Nouri to stage a mass show of support for the young midfielder who collapsed during a recent match.

Nouri, known as Appie, passed out on the pitch during a pre-season friendly against Werder Bremen in Austria last week, with Ajax subsequently confirming the 20-year-old has been left with "serious and permanent" brain damage after suffering cardiac arrhythmia.

Serie A: Roma Celebrate Arrival Of Turkish Midfielder Cengiz Under With Brilliantly Awful YouTube Compilation Spoof (Video)

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Roma have signed Turkish midfielder Cengiz Under from Basaksehir for 13.4 million euros.

However, rather than celebrate the new arrival with a glossy, over-produced video, the Italian club opted for a superb spoof of those awful YouTube player compilations, packed full of appalling music and dodgy editing.

Huddersfield’s Astonishing New Away Kit Sees Return Of Infamous ‘Electric Hoops’ From 1991/92 (Photos & Video)

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Huddersfield Town unveiled their brand new away kit this afternoon and, glory be, it sees a grand return of the red and black 'electric hoops' that graced their change strip back in 1991/92.

The Terriers unveiled their new kit immediately before their friendly against Bury at Gigg Lane, removing their warm-up jackets to reveal the utter madness which

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Euro U19 Championship: England Lift Title After Dramatic 2-1 Win Over Portugal In Final (Video)

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England youth's terrific summer contined on Saturday with Keith Downing's U19 side lifting the European U19 title courtesy of a 2-1 victory over Portugal in the final in Georgia.

Aston Villa's Easah Suliman opened the score for England, heading home soon after half-time.

Little Tease: Monaco Prodigy Kylian Mbappe Trolls Everybody With ‘Big Announcement’ About His Future (Video)

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With most of European football's upper echelon on his tail, Kylian Mbappe has done some serious thinking about his immediate future this summer.

The teenage striker has been heavily linked with Real Madrid, PSG and Arsenal after bursting onto the Champions League scene with Monaco last season, with prospective fees up and beyond the £100million mark being bandied about in recent weeks.

Official: Chelsea Snap Up Monaco Midfielder Tiemoue Bakayoko In £40m Deal

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Chelsea have signed Tiemoue Bakayoko from Monaco in a deal reported to be worth £40m.

The French international is the Blues' second signing of the summer, coming after the arrival of centre-half Anthony Rudiger, and joins on a five-year deal.

The 22-year-old Bakayoko was one of the stars of Monaco's Ligue 1 triumph last season, with his power and presence firing the French side all the way to the last four of the Champions League.

Champions League: Celtic’s Leigh Griffiths Booked After Linfield Fans Hurl Missiles Onto Pitch (Video)

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Celtic's Champions League qualifying clash away to Northern Irish side Linfield was also going to be a heated affair, and the game saw the home fans hurl missiles onto the pitch on a number occasions.

Celtic attacker Leigh Griffiths found himself in the middle of one bout of missile throwing, but picked up a booking for complaining to the referee.

Serie A: Milan Fans Go Wild As Leonardo Bonucci Arrives Ahead Of Shock £35m Move From Juventus (Photos & Video)

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AC Milan look to have pulled off an incredible coup by signing defender Leonardo Bonucci from Juventus, with the Italian international getting an incredible reception from fans as he arrived at the Casa Milan training complex.

Leonardo Bonucci arrives in Milan to complete a €40m move.

Official: Kyle Walker Ditches Tottenham For Man City In £45m Mega Move (Photo)

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Photo: @ManCity/Twitter

Kyle Walker has joined Man City in a deal that could eventually land Tottenham as much as £50million.

The initial fee is £45million, with another £5million in add-ons written into the small print.

Walker has signed a five-year contract at City and will wear the No.

Star Sixes: Carles Puyol Does An Absolute Number On Phil Neville In ‘Friendly’ 6-A-Side Tournament (Video)

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Thursday night saw the inaugural Star Sixes legends tournament kick-off in London, with an entire constellation of veteran footballing talent descending on the O2 Arena for the occasion.

As well as hosts England, teams of legends from Spain,Scotland, Mexico, Brazil, Italy, Nigeria, China, Denmark, Portugal, Germany and France were also in 6-a-side action on the opening night.

Heartbreaking: Alvaro Morata Dyed Hair Red For Man Utd Presentation But Had To Shave It Off When Transfer Collapsed (Photos)

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In one of the most heart-breaking sporting yarns of recent times, Alvaro Morata has had to shave his head after seeing his dream move to Manchester United wither to nowt.

The Spanish striker was so excited about joining United that he went and dyed his hair red for the big unveiling.

Unfortunately, despite looking like a formality at one point, Morata's big transfer then collapsed as United decided

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Dundee Suffer Heavy Defeat In First Pre-Season Outing Against Team Of 100 Local School Kids (Video)

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Dundee got their pre-season preparations off to a bad start, slumping to a comprehensive 5-2 defeat in their first friendly of the schedule.

There were, however, mitigating circumstances as the Dees' opponents brazenly flaunted the rules to field a vastly overpopulated team.

Indeed, Dundee were swarmed by 100 local schoolchildren, who ganged up on the senior team as part of the launch event for Dundee's new away kit.

Wayne Shaw: Sutton United’s Former Pie-Devouring Goalkeeper Hit With Serious FA Betting Charge

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Wayne Shaw, the former Sutton United goalkeeper who devoured a pie during a televised match, has been charged by the FA for breaching their rules on betting.

While sat on the bench, Shaw took a large pantomime bite into a pie during the latter stages of Sutton's bigFA Cup fifth-round tie against Arsenal back in February.

Graphic Scenes: UEFA Draw Botch Sees Hibernian Unexpectedly Qualify For Champions League (Photo)

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Unaware that winning the Scottish Championship earns you a spot in the Champions League these days, Hibernian were surprised to see themselves included in Friday's draw for the third qualifying round.

An error in UEFA's draw documentation saw Hibernian pitted against FC Salzburg, despite the Edinburgh-based club having failed to qualify for the European Cup since 1956.

Reports: Man City Close To Sealing £50m Deal For Tottenham Full-Back Kyle Walker

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Manchester City are on the cusp on signing Spurs full-back Kyle Walker.

The Citizens are expected to seal the deal on Friday after the two clubs agreed a fee of £50m plus add-ons.

England defender Walker moved to Tottenham from Sheffield United in 2009 and went on to make 228 appearances for the north Londoners, establishing himself as one of the best right-backs in the Premier League.

Back With A Bang: Wayne Rooney Scores Powerful 25-Yard Drive On Second Everton Debut (Video)

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Wayne Rooney made his second debut for Everton this afternoon, starting in a pre-season friendly against Tanzania's Gor Mahia FC.

Looking slightly trimmer than he has done of late, Rooney collected the ball some 25 yards out, took a couple

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Feuertaufe: Ron-Robert Zieler Concedes From Halfway Line Just One Day After Signing For VfB Stuttgart (Video)

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Having tossed off a season playing deputy to Kasper Schmeichel at Leicester City, goalkeeper Ron-Robert Zieler moved back to the Bundesliga on Tuesday of this week, signing for newly-promoted VfB Stuttgart.

Stuttgart put their new stopper to work straight away the following day, bringing him on for the second-half of their pre-season friendly against second-tier Dynamo Dresden.

‘I’d Like To Thank Some Of The Coaches I Worked With At Man Utd’ – Adnan Januzaj, Subtle As You Like

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Six years after joining the club as a 16-year-old, Adnan Januzaj has left Manchester United in the hope of getting his faltering career back on track at Real Sociedad.

The 22-year-old Belgian winger signed for Sociedad in an £8million deal on Wednesday having made just five appearances for United in the past two years, enduring less-than-stellar loan stints at Borussia Dortmund and Sunderland in the mean time.

Reports: Tiemoue Bakayoko Bound For Chelsea After €45m Transfer Deal Struck With Monaco

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We can't pretend we'd heard of him before March of this year, butTiemoue Bakayoko is now poised on the brink of becoming a€45million footballer.

That's precisely the fee that Chelsea have agreed with Monaco to take the 22-year-old defensive midfielder off their hands.

That's according to L'Equipe, who in turn cite RMC Sport, who in turn tell us that "after several weeks of dithering", an agreement was reached between the two clubs on Wednesday evening.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Bolton Wanderers Install ‘Luxury Recliner Seats’ Next To Dugout At Macron Stadium (Photo)

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Photo: The Bolton News (@TheBoltonNews/Twitter)

The grand Superbowl-isation of football continues apace with news that Bolton Wanderers have installed a row of recliner seats at the Macron Stadium to allow fans to watch their team play in the lap of luxury.

The newly-promoted Championship side have partnered with Vue cinema in Middlebrook to offer a "cinematic matchday experience" courtesy of the four leather armchairs they've plonked next to the dug-outs.

Netherlands Women’s National Team Change Royal Crest From Lion To Rampant Lioness (Photos)

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Photo: Nike Football

For the first time in 46 years, one of the latest incarnations of the Netherlands' famous orange kit will carry a different crest.

Nike have revealed that the new Dutch women's national team kit will swap out the prancing lion that features on the royal crest in favour of an altogether more fitting lioness design.

Wunderschön: Germany’s Exquisite New 2018 World Cup Kit Is Inspired Their Own Classic 1988-90 Shirt (Photos)

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You might want to position yourself over your antique Victorian fainting couch, because it looks like the new Germany home kit is going to be a thing of overpowering beauty.

According to an image obtained by WAZ newspaper, Adidas' latest creation harks back to the classic kit Der Nationalmannschaft wore at the 1990 World Cup quite possibly the most handsome football shirt ever conceived.

Arsenal: Alexandre Lacazette Scores On Debut As Gunners Kick-Off Pre-Season Tour With 2-0 Win Over Sydney (Photos & Video)

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Alexandre Lacazette scored on his debut for Arsenal, as the Gunners won 2-0 against Sydney FC.

The game was Arsenal's first pre-season outing of the summer, with Arsene Wenger naming a mix-and-match side for the clash.

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New signing Sead Kolasinac started in a back three, with Joe Willock and the very impressive Reiss Nelson lining out alongside senior stars such as Mesut Ozil and Theo Walcott.

Everton: Yannick Bolasie Receives Incredible Welcome From Fans In Tanzania (Video)

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Yannick Bolasie received an amazing reception from fans in Tanzania on Wednesday, as Everton kick off their African summer tour.

The winger was greeted by fans of DR Congo, the country Bolasie lines out for, with many making the journey across the border into Tanzania...

| We have arrived in Tanzania!

Official: Dani Alves Signs For PSG After Ligue 1 Side Almost Double Man City’s Salary Offer (Photo & Video)

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While it looked for all the world like he had one foot in the door at Man City just a fortnight ago, Dani Alves has instead signed for PSG today on a two-year deal.

The Ligue 1 side unveiled their latest acquisition at a press conference on Wednesday afternoon, leaving the man himself to start printing his own replica shirts up.

Philistines: Italian Magazine Declare Glorious Burst Of Action From Man City-QPR In 1993 As ‘Ugliest Football Ever Played’ (Video)

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An Italian magazine are claiming to have witnessed the ugliest passage of football ever offered forth in the entire history of the beautiful game.

After happening across the clip on social media, L'Ultimo Uomo have declared that the following 20-second burst of action taken from Man City's exciting 2-1 win over QPR in 1993 is the most risible, error-strewn, irredeemable example of football they've ever witnessed.

Reports: Eric Dier Confides In Daily Express That He Wants To Leave Tottenham And Join Man Utd In £50m Whirlwind

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According to the morning tittle-tattle, Eric Dier has rocked the very foundations of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club by informing them he would like to join Manchester United before the start of the season.

The story appears in the Guardian , who posit that United have been making come-hither eyes at Dier all summer despite having been told by Spurs chairman Daniel Levy that the midfielder is categorically not for sale.

Hard Knock Life: Mo Salah Will Have To Spend A Few Nights In Paris Before He’s Eligible To Play For Liverpool

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Liverpool are due to play Tranmere in a pre-season friendly tonight, though sadly fans in attendance will not be getting a first look at new signing Mohamed Salah in action.

The Egyptian winger completed his £34million move from Roma in the middle of June, but will not be eligible for selection by the Reds until he leaves the UK and then returns.

Non-League: Lewes FC Become First Football Club In World To Offer Equal Pay To Men’s And Women’s Teams

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Photo: @Lewes_CFC/Twitter

Non-League side Lewes FC have become the first football club in the world to offer equal pay to their men's and women's teams.

Lewes' men's side currently play in the Isthmian League Division One South, the eighth tier of the men's pyramid, while the ladies compete in the Premier League Southern Division, which is the third tier of the women's game.

Pink Tinge: Arsenal Release Fabulously Sleek New Third Kit For 2017/18 Season (Photos)

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We've cropped Nacho Monreal out of this picture. Nothing personal, you understand!

Currently on tour in Australia, Arsenal have seized the opportunity to unveil their new third kit in front of two of Sydney's most famous tourist traps.

Several of the Gunners entourage, including new signing Alexandre Lacazette, lined up to model the strip in front of the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge as the sun faded below the horizon in the background.

Retro Football: 17-Year-Old Antonio Cassano Opens Bari Account With Brilliant Winning Goal Against Inter Milan, 1999 (Video)

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Antonio Cassano didn't have the easiest of childhoods, but he just about managed to keep himself on the straight and narrow long enough for his hometown club, Bari, to pluck him from the streets of the old town and give him a shot in their academy.

Despite regular transgressions and a volatile temperament, Cassano more than repaid Bari's faith, quickly graduating from the youth sides to make his senior debut for theGalletti at the age of just 17 his grizzled face already belying his tender years, even back then.

Official: Crystal Palace Take Ruben Loftus-Cheek On Season Loan From Chelsea (Photo)

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Crystal Palace have secured the services of Ruben Loftus-Cheek on a season-long loan deal from Chelsea.

The 21-year-old midfielder is Frank de Boer's first signing as Palace manager, having made six appearances for the Blues in last season's title-winning tilt...

Welcome @rubey_lcheek on a season-long loan!

Man Utd: Midfield Stalwart Michael Carrick Named New Club Captain

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Michael Carrick has been named as Manchester United new club captain.

The 34-year-old takes over from Wayne Rooney, who left Old Trafford for a return to boyhood club Everton.

Carrick started his career at West Ham before moving to Tottenham and eventually ending up at Old Trafford in 2006.

Reports: Dani Alves Jilts Man City At The Altar, Now ‘Within Hours’ Of Signing For PSG

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Just a fortnight ago, the smart money would have been on Dani Alves jumping ship at Juventus to rejoin Pep Guardiola at Man City.

The deal looked as good as done, with the Brazilian full-back reported to have verbally agreed a move to the Etihad.

However, a PSG-sized spanner has been hurled into the works, with rumours circulating in the French press that Alves has been talked out of joining City in favour of a move to Ligue 1.

US Open Cup: LA Galaxy Profit From Bizarre Own-Goal After Pinball Madness In San Jose Box (Video)

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The San Jose Earthquakes booked their place in the US Open Cup semi-finals after a 3-2 win against LA Galaxy on Monday evening.

The goal of the game, came not courtesy of a magnificent long-range drive or an acrobatic overhead kick, but rather via an incredible phase of pinball in the San Jose box, which ultimately ended in an own-goal.

Man Utd: Diddy Little Juan Mata Tries On Romelu Lukaku’s Gigantic Size 13.5 Football Boots (Photo)

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Photo: @ManUtd/Twitter

With Romelu Lukaku officially completing his big move to Manchester United yesterday, Juan Mata was one of the first to welcome his ex-Chelsea teammate to the fold.

"Welcome Romelu Lukaku, aka biggest boots EVER," Mata quipped on Twitter before posting an image of himself wearing the Belgian's enormous size 13.

Real Madrid: Theo Hernandez Performs Six Laughably Crap Kick-Ups At Bernabeu Presentation (Video)

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Theo Hernandez has recently become the first player for over 17 years to directly cross the breach between Atletico and Real Madrid by joining the latter in a contentious £20million deal.

As is the done thing, the 19-year-old full-back was unveiled in front of the cameras and a modest cluster of fans at the Bernabeu, whom he was asked to entertain with a few choice tricks and flicks.

Suits You Sir: Memphis Depay Dresses Up To The Nines In Leopard Print On Family Trip To Italy (Photos)

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Having proposed a week or two ago, Memphis Depay is currently enjoying a prolonged holiday in Italy with fiancee Lori Harvey and her entire family.

For the record, Lori is the daughter of US game-show host Steve Harvey, who is basically America's answer to Les Dennis.

Of course we know that Memphis is an absolute stone-dead, cold case of a victim when it comes to fashion, having wowed us with a wide array of haute-couture ensembles in the past from ' Dandy Matador ' right through to ' Homeless Peruvian Panpipe Virtuoso '.

Official: James Rodriguez Signs For Bayern Munich In €10m, Two-Year Loan Arrangement

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His name's Bond, James Rodriguez, and he's just signed for Bayern Munich from Real Madrid in a slightly unorthodox arrangement.

The Bavarians broke the news via a club statement issued this morning, confirming that the Colombian has joined them on a two-year loan...

Presseerklärung #FCBayern verpflichtet @jamesdrodriguez von Real Madrid: https://t.

African Champions League: Ziri Hammar Scores 30-Yard Rocket From Incredible Angle As Alger Beat CAPS Utd (Video)

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While European football concerns itself with the usual comings and goings of the summer transfer window,the Confederation of Africa Football Champions League is well under way, with the groups stages almost complete.

In a Group B clash between USM Alger (from Algeria unsurprisingly) and Zimbabwean side CAPS United, attacking midfielder Ziri Hammar lived up to his name by netting a thunderous effort just before the break.

Man City: Yaya Toure Struggles To Get To Grips With Advanced Mancunian Slang (Video)

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Having evaded it for some seven years now, Yaya Toure has finally been given a crash course in local Mancunian slang courtesy of his employers, Man City.

With brow furrowed to the point of cramp, the 34-year-old fromBouaké, Ivory Coast was grilled on a selection of advanced Manc vernacular all of which was so discombobulatingthat it seemed to cause him actual physical pain.

Romelu Lukaku Bids Fond Farewell To Everton With Little Bit Of Help From 10cc’s Graham Gouldman (Video)

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With his big £75million move to Manchester United pretty much a formality from this point on, Romelu Lukaku has used Instagram to say a fond farewell to everybody at Everton.

Currently out in Los Angeles, the 24-year-old Belgian striker took the time to thank everybody who helped him on his way at Goodison during the four goal-laden seasons he spent with the Toffees.

FAIL: The Irish Herald Newspaper Accidentally Use Photo Of Stormzy In Article About Romelu Lukaku

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TheIrish Herald newspaper have dropped an absolute whopper in their Monday morning edition.

Indeed, the rather glaring cock-up saw the Herald accompany their big back page story about Romelu Lukaku with an image of London grime star Stormzy...

Photo: @Football_LDN/Twitter

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Real Madrid Legend Roberto Carlos Welcomes Ninth Child Into The World (Photos)

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Roberto Carlos is celebrating the birth ofhis ninth ninth! child, a daughter by the name of Marina who was welcomed into the world on Sunday.

Marina was born at the Clinic Ruber hospital in Madridand is the second child Carlos has with his current wife, Mariana, after daughter Manuela was born in 2009.

Official: Romelu Lukaku Is Finally Wearing The Famous Red Shirt Of Manchester United (Photos)

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Photo: @ManUtd/Twitter

Right, okay, it's official Romelu Lukaku is now a Manchester United player having finally completed his £75million move from Everton.

First of all i want to thank God for this opportunity. Delighted and blessed to be part of the greatest club in the world @ManUtd pic.

African Champions League: Ziri Hammar Scores Long-Range Rocket From Incredible Angle As Algers Beat CAPS Utd (Video)

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While European football concerns itself with the usual comings and goings of the summer transfer window,the Confederation of Africa Football Champions League is well under way, with the groups stages almost complete.

In a Group B clash betweenAlger (from Algeria unsurprisingly) and Zimbabwean side CAPS United, attacking midfielder Ziri Hammar lived up to his name by netting a thunderous effort just before the break.

Paul Gascoigne Makes Surprise Appearance, Score Cheeky Goal In Newcastle Legends Charity Match (Photos & Video)

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Paul Gascoigne made a surprise appearance in a charity game forSt Oswald's Hospice in Gatesheadat the weekend.

The 50-year-old has been plagued with both mental and physical health issues since retiring from football.

However, lining out for a Newcastle Legends side, the England icon looked in decent shape, and even managed to score a cheeky goal.

Official: Chelsea Complete £34m Deal To Sign Antonio Rudiger From Roma (Photo & Video)

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Photo: @ChelseaFC/Twitter

Chelsea have completed the signing ofAntonio Rudiger from Roma in a deal which is reportedly worth a meaty £34million.

The German international centre-back has agreed a five-year contract at Stamford Bridge, directly replacing John Terry who went a-waltzin' out of the exit door at the end of last season.

‘I’m Prepared To Work For Free’ – Sol Campbell Willing To ‘Start In Gutter’ Of Non-League Football To Kick Off Management Career

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Sol Campbell has found it incredibly difficult to break into the world of management a plight that has become so desperate that he's using the national press to tout himself for jobs.

In a lengthy interview/covering letter inthe Guardiantoday, Campbell has basically let it be known that he's so eager to land a coaching role that he's willing to work for free just to get his foot in the door.

2. Bundesliga: Newly-Promoted Holstein Kiel Have Innovative ‘Fjord Map’ Kit Design Rejected By League Officials (Photo)

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Photo: @fxkhry/Twitter

After tussling their way up and out of the German third tier last season, Holstein Kiel decided to pay homage to their roots by featuring one of their most famous local landmarks on their new kit.

As such, the clubproduced a kit that featured a historical map of theKieler Fjord as it looked in 1900.

Back In Blue: After 13 Years Away, Wayne Rooney Moves Back To Boyhood Club Everton On Freebie Deal (Photos & Video)

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'Tis truly the end of an era.

After 13 years at Manchester United, during which he won five Premier League titles, one Champions League and became their all-time top goalscorer, Wayne Rooney has finally returned to the club that birthed him unto the world.

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Everton have today confirmed that the 31-year-old has completed his grand return to Goodison Park on a free transfer as part of the much, much more expensive deal that will see Romelu Lukaku sign for United in return.

Man Utd: Red Devils Announce Agreement With Everton Over Romelu Lukaku Transfer Fee

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Manchester United have announced that a fee has been agreed with Everton for Romelu Lukaku, with the standardmedical and personal terms all that stands in the way of the £75m deal.

As we reported yesterday, Chelsea, the club Lukaku was initially expected to join, matched United's £75m offer for the striker, which left any deal for the Belgian star hanging in the balance.

Official: Burnley Sign Veteran Attacker Jonathan Walters From Stoke

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Burnley have signed Republic of Ireland forward Jonathan Walters from Stoke City on a two-year deal.

The deal for the 33-year-old could rise to £3m for Burnely, with Walters the Clarets' second signing of the summer, coming after the arrival of Leeds full-back Charlie Taylor.

The Merseyside-born Walters started his career with Blackburn in 1998 before lining out for the likes of Bolton, Hull and Ipswich in a fine career built on hard-work and muscle rather than any great flair.

Romelu Lukaku: Plot Thickens As Chelsea Match Man Utd’s £75m Offer For Everton Striker

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Chelsea have matched Manchester United's offer of £75m for Romelu Lukaku, as the two Premier League heavyweights continue to go head to head for the Everton striker.

Lukaku had initially expected to return to former club Chelsea, with Antonio Conte eager to replace Diego Costa with a top-class target man.

RIP Bradley Lowery: Jermain Defoe’s Little Mate Sadly Passes Away After Losing Battle Against Cancer

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The sad news reaching us this afternoon is that Bradley Lowery, the little Sunderland fan who, has passed away.

Little Bradleyfought for all he was worth against a neuroblastoma, a rare form of terminal childhood cancer, but sadly succumbed to the disease on Friday afternoon.

My brave boy has went with the angels today 07/07/17 at 13:35, in mammy and daddies arms surrounded by his.

Paul Pogba And Romelu Lukaku Train And Play 5-A-Side Together In Los Angeles (Photos & Video)

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Photo: @us5center/Instagram

They may well be fully-fledged colleagues bythe end of the week, but for the time beingPaul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku simply remain mere good buds.

The pair are currently milling around together in Los Angeles as part of their concurrent off-season meandering, which looks entirely more strenuous than Pies' understandingof a summer holiday.

Barcelona: Lionel Messi Donates Leftover Wedding Buffet To Local Food Bank In Rosario

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Lionel Messi donated all the leftover food and drink from his recent wedding to a local charity in his hometown of Rosario.

Xavi, Cesc Fabregas, Sergio Aguero, Luis Suarez and Carles Puyol were all among the guests as Messi tied the knot with his childhood sweetheart, Antonella Roccuzzo, during a lavish ceremony atthe City Centre Rosario Hotel last weekend.

Hajduk Split’s New Third Shirt Features Name Of Thousands Of Fans As Result Of Club Membership Drive (Photo & Video)

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Photo: Hajduk Split/Macron Sportswear

After introducing both Braille and Morse code to Sporting Lisbon's new strips, Macron have done it again in terms of subtly incorporating clever little design flourishes into their kit design.

The latest recipients are Croatian side Hajduk Split, whose new jerseyis the grand culmination of a long-running fan project.

Arsenal: Per Mertesacker To Take Over As Academy Manager From Start Of Next Season

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Arsenal have confirmed that Per Mertesacker is to become the new manager of the club's academy come the start of next season.

With his knees beginning to creak and that trademark pace beginning to wane, the veteran centre-halfhas agreed to move into the backroom staff as of 2018/19, by which time he'll be 33.

Athletic Bilbao: Young Defender Yeray Undergoes Chemotherapy, Entire Squad Shave Heads In Solidarity (Photo)

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Photo: @AthleticClub/Twitter

The entire Athletic Bilbao squad have shaved their heads in a show of solidarity for midfielder Yeray Alvarez, whohas undergone chemotherapy for the first time this week.

The young midfielder was forced to withdraw from the Spain Under-21 side last month after suffering a relapse, after first being treated for testicular cancer in December of 2016.

Women’s Football: Man City Striker Toni Duggan Joins Barcelona In Landmark Deal

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Man City Women striker Toni Duggan has joined Barcelona in a two-year deal.

The England forward's contract with City was set to end in November and now she is off to Spain, becoming only the second English player of either gender to join the Catalan giants, after Gary Lineker.

Duggan has been key to City's success in recent seasons, with her goals helping them lift the WSL title for the first time in 2016 and win the Women's FA Cup this year.

Wolves And Nigeria Goalkeeper Carl Ikeme Diagnosed With Acute Leukaemia

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Rather sad news came out of Wolverhampton Wanderers on Thursday, with the club's Nigerian goalkeeper diagnosed with acute leukemia.

According to the Championship club, the 31-year-old Ikeme returned "abnormal" blood tests during pre-season testing, with subsequent tests confirming theinitial diagnosis.

Sporting Lisbon’s New Away Kit Features Covert Messages In Both Braille And Morse Code (Photo)

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Photos: Macron/Sporting CP

Sporting Libson (or Sporting Clube de Portugal if you'd prefer) have unveiled a couple of new shirts for 2017/18, and one comes with a rather unique feature.

Suppliers Macron have incorporated a special message into the away jerseys, which first and foremost features a motto stamped in Braille under the club crest.

Shit Football Kits: Wycombe Wanderers’ Gaudy New Goalkeeper Strips Are Nigh-On Hallucinogenic (Photo)

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First of all, be warned that if you stillsuffer fromlucid flashbacks to 'Nam then you should probably give this article a wide berth.

Wycombe Wanderers have unveiled a couple of new goalkeeper kits for 2017/18 and to call them nauseating is to do them a disservice...

The new @ONeills1918 keeper kits for the 2017/18 season!

Romelu Lukaku: Man Utd Make Their Move, Agree £75m Fee With Everton, Formally End Interest In Alvaro Morata

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Holy moly, it's all hotting up on the Romelu Lukaku front this morning.

As was speculated, Manchester United have reportedly gone and struck a deal to sign Romelu Lukaku from right underneath Chelsea's metaphorical nose.

According to a breaking bulletin from the Telegraph's James Ducker, United have agreed a fee of £75million with Everton, with an expedited deal set to go through before the end of the week.

Hoffenheim Coach Julian Nagelsmann Erects Big Screen At Training Ground To Work On Errors In Real Time (Photo)

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Julian Nagelsmann became the youngest coach in Bundesliga history when, aged just 28, he was thrustby Hoffenheim into their senior management role.

The gifted young coach successfully staved off relegation in his first half-season before guiding Hoffenheim to Champions League qualification last season, defying all expectations to finish fourth behind Bayern Munich, RB Leipzig and Borussia Dortmund.

Horror Hair: Swansea’s New Signing Roque Mesa Just Looks Awful Across The Board (Photo)

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Photo: @SwansOfficial/Twitter

He may have the look of a veteran sicario for a Colombian drug cartel, but the man you see before you is actually Swansea City's latest summer acquisition.

Roque Mesa is his name, central-defending is his game and he last found gainful employ at La Liga side Las Palmas.

Reports: Man Utd To Hijack Chelsea Move For Romelu Lukaku With £100m World Record Bid

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Manchester United are hoping to gazump Chelsea by signing Romelu Lukaku from Everton in a deal worth a record-breaking £100m.

That's according to Matt Lawton in the Daily Mail, who reports thatJose Mourinho is desperate to kick start a slow summer in the tranfer market for the Red Devils by sealing a deal for the 24-year-old striker.

‘Stand By Me’: John Terry Belts Out Ben E King Classic During Aston Villa Initiation (Video)

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John Terry has been getting to know his new Aston Villa team-mates since calling time on almost 20 years of service at Chelsea and moving to the nation's second city.

As is the case with most new recruits, club initiation for Terry involved the Blues' legend 'doing a turn' for his fellow villans.

Diego Maradona Does Series Of Very ‘Diego Maradona’ Things Before Being Made Honorary Citizen Of Naples (Videos)

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Diego Maradona is not what you would call a wallflower.

The Argentinian hero – nay, God – has very rarely taken his foot off the pedal in a life and career that has seen it's fair share of chaos, brilliance, magic and just plain weirdness.

After finishing up his business with the Russian national ice hockey team, the diminutive wizard boarded a flight to Italy, Naples specifically, during which he wasfilmed enjoying a.

Reports: Wayne Rooney To Re-Join Everton This Week After Being Withdrawn From Man Utd Summer Tour

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If the vast majority of the national press is to be believed, there's every chance Wayne Rooney will once again be an employee of Everton football club before too long.

According to Neil Custis, Rooney has been withdrawn fromUnited's pre-season jaunt to the United States and instead will re-sign for the Toffeesover the course of the next severaldays.

Official: Huddersfield Break Transfer Record For Third Time In Five Days To Sign Steve Mounie From Montpellier (Photo)

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By 'eck, Huddersfield Town are going for it in terms of fleshing out their squad for their first ever tilt at a Premier League season.

The Terriers have broken their transfer record for the third time in five days to sign Steve Mounie from Montpellier for a fee reported to be in the £12million area.

‘We Should Be Honest, Rangers Will Be Too Strong’ – FC Progres Niederkorn’s Pre-Match Programme Notes Are Adorably Humble (Photo)

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As you might have heard, Rangers were sent packing from the Europa League just 317 days before the final after losing across two legs to a team that finished fourth in the Luxembourg National Division last season.

The 2-0 defeat against Progres Niederkorn on Tuesday evening was quite possibly the worst in Rangers' history, and it was made all the more ignominious by the adorably humble programme notes proffered forth by the Luxembourg side before kick-off.

Official: Lionel Messi Agrees New Barcelona Contract, Signs On Until 2021

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Not that it was ever in much doubt, but Lionel Messi has today agreeda new four-year contract extension with Barcelona.

However, there is still time for a sensational Premier League transfer to manifest, as the contract won't be formally signed for another week or two until Messi returns to Barca after his honeymoon.

Fandemonium: Pepe Given Customary ‘Mobbed At The Airport’ Welcome After Signing For Besiktas (Photos & Video)

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After being released by Real Madrid earlier in the summer, Pepe has today joined Besiktas on a two-year deal.

Word has it that PSG offered the Portuguese defender a lucrative one-year deal,butthe 34-year-old was adamant he still has two more seasons left in the tank.

As is customary with Turkish transfers, Pepetouched down at Ataturk Airport in Instanbul on Wednesday morning only to be swiftly besieged by a horde of excitable new chums.

La Légende: David Beckham Inducted Into PSG Hall Of Fame After Making Just 10 Appearances For Club

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David Beckham has been inducted into PSG's new hall of fame despite only ever making 10 appearances for the Ligue 1 side.

The Parisians revamped their official website this week, introducing a 'Hall of Fame' page for fans to get better acquainted with the club's past luminaries.

All-time top goalscorer Zlatan Ibrahimovic is at the top of the shop, while there are also deserving nods for the likes of Ronaldinho, Pauleta, Jay-Jay Okocha, Rai, George Weah, Safet Susic and Dominique Rocheteau all of whom made distinguished contributions to the club cause.

Official: Lyon Darling Alexandre Lacazette Joins Arsenal In Club Record Transfer (Photo)

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Photo: @Arsenal/Twitter

The deed is done. Arsenal have completed the signing of Alexandre Lacazette from hometown club Lyon for a record fee.

The French striker has signed a five-year contract under Arsene Wenger's knowing gaze after the two parties agreed a £46.5million fee, rising to £52million with add-ons.

Europa League Qualifiers: Shell-Shocked Rangers Dumped Out By Luxembourg Minnows (Video)

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Rangers suffered a shock exit from the Europa League qualifiers on Tuesday evening, with the Scottish giants losing 2-0 away to Luxembourg's Progres Niederkorn, ga result which gave the minnows an unexpected 2-1 aggregate win.

Back in Europe for the first time in six years, Rangers would have expected to cruise past their opponents having registereda 1-0 win at Ibrox in the first leg.

Kicking Up A Stink: Crystal Palace Ground Staff Use Garlic To Combat Pitch Parasites

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Crystal Palace are using garlic to improve the quality of their Selhurst Park pitch ahead of the new season.

The Selhurst Park playing surface has been plagued by microscopic parasites which weaken the roots of the grass.

Liquid garlic is apparently an effective treatment for those parasites, with the Eagles' ground staff waging a rather stinky war on the blighters.

Official: Huddersfield Complete £11m Deal For Tom Ince, Break Transfer Record For Second Time In Four Days

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Photo: @htafcdotcom/Twitter

Huddersfield have rubber-stampedthe signingof winger Thomas Ince, therefore breaking their club transfer record for the second time in four days.

Before last Friday, the Terrier's biggest ever outlay had been the £1.8million they spent on Christoph Schindler the previous summer.

Milan Goalkeeper Gigio Donnarumma, 18, Signs New Contract To Become Third Highest Paid Player In Italy

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After weeks of wrangling, Gigio Donnarumma has reportedly agreed a new five-year contract to stay put at AC Milan.

With a word in his ear from agent Mino Raiola, the 18-year-old goalkeeper turned his nose up at an improved contract offer from Milan last month, instead opting to tout his wares around Europe's elite in a bid to leverage more money out of the Rossoneri.

‘I’ve Had The Best Three Years Of My Life Here’ – Michael Keane Emits Classy Farewell Message To Thank Everybody At Burnley

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Michael Keane may have seen his £30million move to Everton go through yesterday, but it's nice to know that the centre-half is leaving Burnley on good terms.

Indeed, after spending the past three seasons at Turf Moor, Keane made sure to emit a sincere farewell message to everybody at the club before going on his merry way.

Bonsai And Beyond: Lukas Podolski Immerses Himself In Japanese Culture After Joining Vissel Kobe (Video)

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Photo: @Podolski10/Twitter

After two seasons with Galatasaray, Lukas Podolski has moved on to pastures newby signing a pension-boosting deal to join Japanese top flight side Vissel Kobe.

To prepare for life in a new country, Podolski has immersed himself in Japanese culture, trying his hand at origami, bonsai, sushi, Kendo fighting and even giving the Captain Tsubasa books a shufty before bedtime.

The Premier League Is Leaking: Study Finds Third Of Fans Watch Live Matches Via Illegal Streams

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How much would you pay to watch stellar action like this?

Drovesof football fans are now regularly resorting to illegalstreamsto watch Premier League matches, a study has found.

According to the survey commissioned by BBC Radio 5 Live, just over a third of fans admit to regularly watching top flight matches from unofficial providers, with one in five watching at least one match per week.

Living The Djream: Cisse Emerges From Retirement To Sign For Swiss Third Division Side (Photo)

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Photo: @yverdonsport/Twitter

Former Liverpool striker Djibril Cisse has come out of retirement to link up with Swiss third division Yverdon-Sport FC.

In a move that has surprised most everybody – perhaps including Cisse himself – the 35-year-old, who won the Champions League with the Reds in 2005, has resumed a career that has seen him go through more clubs than a pack of cards.

Commitment: Besotted Georgian Fan Gets Gigantic ‘All-Time Holland XI’ Tattooed On His Back (Photo)

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Step this way and behold perhaps the most audacious example of tactical football body art we've ever witnessed.

According to Four Four Two, the bloke in the photo below is actually Georgian but is so enamoured with all things Oranje that he felt inspired to have his all-time NetherlandsXI tattooed on his back, and at an immense scale.

Official: Burnley Defender Michael Keane Joins Everton As Toffees’ Spending Spree Continues

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Everton's busy summer in the transfer market continues with the arrival of Burnley's highly-rated centre-half Michael Keane, in a deal which could rise to a whopping £30million.

Keane joins the Toffees on a five-year deal after an impressive 2016/17 campaign which saw the 24-year-old shine for Burnley and win his first caps for the England senior team.

Diego On Ice: Maradona Tries His Hand (Of God) At Ice Hockey As Guest Of Russian National Team (Photos & Video)

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Photo: Russia Hockey/Facebook

After an invite to Lionel Messi's wedding proved not to be forthcoming, Diego Maradona instead spent his weekend as a guest of the Russian national ice hockey team in St Petersburg.

In town for the Confederations Cup Final, Maradona geared up (not like that) for the match bytaking a tour of the new SKA St Petersburg Hockey Town complex.

WhatsApp, Doc? Aston Villa Embarrass Themselves With Puzzling John Terry ‘Group Chat’ Announcement

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Photo: Aston Villa

Although getting on in years and weighed down with more baggage than a handler's strike at Heathrow, John Terry's move to Aston Villa is perhaps the best news the club have had since Joleon Lescott left.

Yet the Championship club have contrived to sour the good vibes and make themselves a laughing stock with a certifiably iffysocial media ‘reveal' that presents more questions than it does answers.

Luis Suarez Statue Vandalised In Hometown, Culprit Leaves Note Saying ‘At Messi’s Wedding, Be Back Soon’ (Photo)

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Photo: @BarcaNewsForum/Twitter

Having previously joined the elite tier of footballers with ill-proportioned statues erected in their honour, Luis Suarez has now gained entry into the even elite-er club of players to have had theirs vandalised.

Just last year, this 5ft 9in papier-mâché colossus appeared on the streets of Suarez's hometown of Salto in Uruguay.

‘Buzzing To Start New Chapter’ – Ex-Oldham Defender Ryan McLaughlin Fools Twitter With Brilliantly Simple Barcelona Gag (Photo)

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While Liverpool Under-21s to Barcelona via Oldham Athletic isn't exactly the most well-worn career path, Ryan McLaughlin still managed to convince more than a few social media rubes that he'd made the big leap thanks to a brilliantly simple Twitter gag he concocted recently.

The 22-year-old full-back, who is a free agent after leaving the Latics this summer, posted a photo on Twitter holding his new Barca shirt aloft and heralded a new and exciting chapter in his professional career.

What John Terry Did Next: Ex-Chelsea Captain Opts To Join Aston Villa On One-Year Contract

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After assessing his options for several weeks, John Terry has decided to play on atAston Villa next season.

The 36-year-old left Chelsea at the end of last season after bringing his 22-year association with the club to an end in May.

He was known to be mulling over an offer from Birmingham City, but JT has plumped for a move to Villa Park instead as confirmed this morning by Villa owner Dr Tony Xia.

Don’t Buy The S*n: Fans Of 70 Football Clubs Pass Motion To Boycott Tabloid Paper

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Photo: @TheFSF/Twitter

The usual displays of tribalism and back-and-forth were set aside over the weekend as fans of 70 clubs from the Premier League and Football League called on local retailers and their clubs to ban The Sun newspaper.

At Sunday's annualFootball Supporters Federation summit, a motion calling for the Rupert Murdoch-owned paper to removed from salein shops, supermarkets and other places of business up and down the country was passed unanimously.

Snapshot: First Photo Emerges Of John Terry In His New Aston Villa Shirt…

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The first photo of John Terry wearing his new Aston Villa shirt has been released and, by 'eck it's going to take a bit of getting used to...

Photo: Aston Villa

We're still not entirely sure it's not a very, very good photoshop job.

If Terry's after the No.26 shirt then he's going to have to have a word with Jonathan Kodija.

Fowl Play: Celebrating The Anniversary Of Blackburn’s Paradigm-Shifting Venkys Chicken Advert, 2011 (Video)

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When we talk about momentous, paradigm-shifting moments in modern football, they don't come much more seismic than thecontribution made to the pantheon by Blackburn Rovers onJune 28th, 2011.

Having taken over the previous year, Blackburn's new poultry-peddling owners Venkys decided to use their glamorous Premier League asset to help promote their fowl wares.

Wayne Rooney Involved In Proceedings As Man Utd Launch New 2017/18 Home Kit (Photos & Video)

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Photo: Adidas Football

Manchester United have unveiled their new home kit just days ahead of their pre-season jaunt to the United States.

The Adidas offering is red with black and white cuffs (supposedly inspired by the flags waved at Old Trafford on matchdays) and has a neat little button-up grandad collar.

Official: West Brom Sign Jay Rodriguez From Southampton For £12m

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Jay Rodriguez has joined West Brom from Southamptonfor an undisclosed fee thought to be around £12million.

The 27-year-old striker was touted as a future England regular a few years back, only to have his time at Southampton consistently hampered by injury.

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Overall, Rodriguez made 126 appearances for Saints, netting 32 goals in that time.

Paulo Dybala Scores ‘Impossible’ Freekick Against 18 Defenders And Two Goalkeepers In Hometown Charity Match (Video)

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Twitter: @AxelOfficial/Twitter

With proper football on the back-burner for a few more weeks, Paulo Dybala returned home to Argentina on Saturday to take partin a light-hearted charity match in his hometown of Laguna Larga.

Twas during said game that Dybala was challenged with scoring an 'impossible' freekick as the entire opposing team (along with several stowaways from the crowd) filled the goalmouth in an attempt to block the Juventus forward's shot.

Confederations Cup Final: Lars Strindl Fires Germany To Victory Over Chile In Tense Final (Photos & Video)

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Germany are the 2017 Confederations Cup champions, after a tight and tense 1-0 victory over Chile in St. Petersburg.

Chile started superbly, creating a number of chances, with Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez heavily involved.

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However, against the run of play, the Germans opened the scoring on 20 minutes, albeit after a horrendous mistake from Marcelo Diaz.

Official: Chelsea Sign Man City ‘Keeper Willy Caballero On Free Transfer

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Willy Caballero has switched the Ethad for Stamford Bridge, with the 35-year goalkeeper joining Chelsea on a free transfer.

Argentine international Caballero moved to Manchester City from Malaga in 2014 and proved to be a solid back-up goalkeeper, deputising for Joe Hart and, more recently, Claudio Bravo.

European U21 Championship Final: Mitchell Weiser Heads Germany To Victory Against Spain (Photos & Video)

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Germany lifted their second European U21 Championship title after beating Spain 1-0 in Friday's final.

Spain came into the final as strong favourites, however, despite having lots of possession, they couldn't break down a disciplined German side.

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The only goal of the game came on 40 minutes, with Hertha Berlin defender Mitchell Weiser heading home a superb looping effort after a fantastic cross from Jeremy Toljan.

Tottenham’s Kit Launch Promo Is Infinitely Improved By Adding Music From *That* Top Gun Volleyball Scene (Video)

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Above is the corny video Tottenham used to accompany the launch of their new kits, complete with grime soundtrack and lots of dynamically-edited footage of the Spurs chaps doing exciting twists, jumps and fist-bumps.

Below is the version the club should have used, expertly spliced by the ever-brillo Nooruddean Choudry (@BeardedGenius) to replace the original music with 'Playing With the Boys' by Kenny Loggins, la the infamously homoerotic volleyball scene in Top Gun.

Official: Saul Niguez Signs An Absolute Pardew Of A Contract Extension With Atletico Madrid

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Saul Niguez has signed an absolute whopper of a contract extension that will keep the young midfielder at Atletico Madrid until oursun shrivels and dies.

The deal is of epically Pardewian proportions, with Saul pledging his future to Atleti until the year of our lord 2026 that's NINE YEARS.

Reports: Arsenal ‘Close’ To Completing Record-Breaking €60m Deal For Lyon Striker Alexandre Lacazette

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Arsenal are zoning inon the signing of Alexandre Lacazette with word that the deal involved will break the Gunners' transfer record.

BBC Sport's David Ornstein is reporting that the transfer is "close" as Arsenal, Lyon and Lacazette's representatives enter the final stages of negotiation.