Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2017

‘Our Boys Were A Bit Starstruck!’ – James McClean Turns Out To Play Against Team Of Local Kids With Down’s Syndrome (Photos)

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Photo: Kevin Morrison/Facebook

Formed in 2015, the Oxford Bulls from Derry have spent the last two years training hard and honing their technique.

However, the football team, comprised of young boyswith Down Syndrome, have routinely struggled to find opposition to pit themselves against in competitive matches.

‘Even Jesus Couldn’t Please Everyone’ – Portuguese Sculptor Responsible For Cristiano Ronaldo Bust Defends His Wonky Handiwork

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While it may have attracted derisionfrom nigh-on everybody who has laid their eyes upon it, the artist responsible for the wonky bronze bust of Cristiano Ronaldo unveiled outside Madeira airport yesterday has defended his work.

As soon as the cover came off, the statue was being instantly mocked the world over as disbelieving onlookers wryly questioned why Madeira were paying tribute to Niall Quinn/Raoul Moat/John-Arne Riise/Brock Lesnar/the door knockers from Labyrinth, etc, etc.

Bundesbanter: Chicago Fire Back Bastian Schweinsteiger As Veteran Midfielder Embarks On ‘Road To Russia’ (Photo)

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Bastian Schweinsteiger's great American adventure got off to a suitably ridiculous start when a befuddled local journalist asked the German midfielder if he was hoping to score at the World Cup with Chicago Fire at his introductory press conference.

Indeed, scholars of the game may note that Chicago Fire aren't technically eligible to compete in World Cups, principally because they are not aninternational side of a recognised FIFA member state.

Sunderland: Duncan Watmore ‘Saves Lives Of Three People’ After Emerging Unscathed From Caribbean Boat Crash

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Sunderland forward Duncan Watmore has reportedly helped save three people's lives after emerging from a boat crash while on holiday in the Caribbean.

As the Chronicle has it, Watmore and his girlfriend were cruising across a bay in Barbados when their fishing vessel hit by a wayward catamaran.

MLS: Bastian Schweinsteiger Asked About Possibility Of Winning ‘World Cup’ With Chicage Fire By Confused Reporter (Photos)

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Bastian Schweinsteiger endured a horrible time at Old Trafford under Jose Mourinho but is now embarking on a new, and hopefully for him, fruitful adventure in the USA.

On his arrival at new club Chicago Fire, Schweinsteiger has created quite a stir, drawing a large crowd to the airport.

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However, at an introductory press conference, the German World Cup winner was asked a rather odd question and one which will reinforce the often unfair view that the US is still yet to get fully up to speed with the world of 'soccer', with a reporter asking:

I wonder, with your addition to this team, is it a fair expectation to see a clearpathway towards a World Cup competition to come out of Chicago?

Uncanny: New Cristiano Ronaldo Bronze Bust Unveiled At Madeira Airport Is Laughably Awful (Photos)

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The good people of Madeira have paid homage to the Portuguese island's most famous son by renaming their international airport in honour of Cristiano Ronaldo.

Indeed, Ronaldo himselfreturned home to accept the tribute in person from Portugal president Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa, who also unveiled a magnificent bust of the Real Madrid superstar on the concourse outside.

World Cup: Brazil First Side To Qualify For Russia 2018 As Neymar Scores Another Cracker (Video)

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Brazil became the first side, other than hosts Russia, to book their place in the 2018 World Cup finals after a classy 3-0 win against Paraguay, with star man Neymar once again scoring a superb goal.

Under manager Tite, who replaced Dunga earlier on in the campaign, Brazil have returned to their swashbuckling roots, playing a trademark brand of free-flowing attacking football.

World Cup: Alexis Sanchez Scores Cracking Free-Kick As Chile Beat Venezuela 3-1 (Video)

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Currently linked with a move across London to Chelsea) imagine Arsenal Fan TV if that happens), Alexis Sanchez put Arsenal's current woes behind him to produce a fine man of the match display for Chile in their World Cup qualifier with Venezuela on Tuesday.

Sanchez opened the scoring after just five minutes, via an exquisite free-kick.

‘My Desire Shouldn’t Be Questioned’ – Wilfried Zaha Releases Statement To Clarify How And Why He Chose Ivory Coast Over England

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As you may recall, Wilfried Zaha found himself at the centre of a mini-furore yesterday when Danny Mills had the temerity to heckle him for pledging his international allegiance toIvory Coast rather than England.

Mills accused Zaha of "taking the easy option" after Gareth Southgate revealed he'd attempted to persuade the Crystal Palace winger to opt for England, only to be rebuffed.

‘You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do’ – Alan Pardew Likens Crystal Palace Sacking To Scene In ‘Heat’ When De Niro And Pacino Meet For First Time

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For the first time since it all went south, Alan Pardew has been talking about getting sacked by Crystal Palace.

Pardew wasdismissed in late December, with Palace ending the calendar year as the worst-performing team of all 92 Premier and Football League clubs.

What's more, their total of six Premier League wins throughout 2016 wasthe second lowest tally recorded since the league's inception in 1992/93.

‘Sozinho’ – Ronaldinho Releases First Self-Penned Solo Single On His 37th Birthday (Video)

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Having not made a professional competitive appearance since 2015, Ronaldinho is certainly doing a fine impression of a retired footballer despite having never formerly announced his decision to call it quits.

Over the past few years, the ex-Barcelona starhas involved himself in a number of musical projects, appearing as a guest artiste on several lively Brazilian numbers.

Leicester City: Claudio Ranieri Reveals ‘Bitter Shock’ Of Sacking To Audience Of Prison Inmates

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"King Power, I hate every inch of you"

Claudio Ranieri has spoken of the "shock" he felt after being sacked by Leicester City, less than nine months after winning the Premier League title.

Strangely, Ranieri did so while appearing on stage in front of inmates at the Rebibbia prison on the outskirts of Rome.

Retro Thuggery: Velez Sarsfield Keeper Gaston Sessa Plants Studs In Rodrigo Palacio’s Face, Can’t Fathom Why He’s Been Sent Off, 2007 (Video)

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In the grandest tradition of South American goalkeepers, former Velez Sarsfield stopper Gaston Sessa was laced with just a soupçon of thinly-concealed lunacy.

On a related note, he's also the man responsible for one of the worst fouls ever seen on a football pitch, having once almost reduced Rodrigo Palacio's face to a plate of blood-spattered mince.

‘He’s Taken The Easy Option’ – Danny Mills Accuses Wilfried Zaha Of Tossing Off His Entire International Future By Snubbing England

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Noted dimwit Danny Mills has basically accused Wilfried Zaha of chucking away his entire international future by choosing to represent Ivory Coast instead of jolly oldEngland.

Zaha won two non-competitive capsunder Roy Hodgson but found his participation limited so instead opted to pursue an international career with the country of his parents' birth.

Ivory Coast-Senegal Friendly Abandoned In 88th Minute After Pitch Invader Rugby Tackles Player (Photos)

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Nice trousers

Monday night's friendly between Senegal and the Ivory Coast had to be scuttled before full-time when a group of lairy fans invaded the pitch.

The match, being played at the Charlety Stadium in Paris, was abandoned in the 88th minute when several pockets of crowd trouble began to develop in the terraces.

Sparta Prague: Tomas Rosicky Ruled Out For Rest Of Season After Managing Just 19 Minutes Of Football Since His Return

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Photo: ACSparta_CZ/Twitter

In news that shouldn't come as much of a shock, Sparta Prague have gone ahead and sidelinedTomas Rosicky out for the rest of the season.

In a statement issued on their club website, Sparta confirmed that Rosicky's ongoing Achilles tendon issueisn't showing any signs of improvement and have therefore ruledthe 36-year-old midfielder out indefinitely after he elected to undergo further surgery.

Want To Feel Old? Shaun Wright-Phillips’ Son Has Just Received His First England Youth Call-Up

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Hey you. Yeah, you. Want to feel older than the mountainsall of a sudden? Then get your head around this...

Shaun Wright-Phillips' son son! has just received his first England call-up.

Yep. D'Margio Wright-Phillips, a mere foetus with studs, has just been called up to the England Under-16 squad for the first time.

Football Tat: All Pies Want For Christmas Is An Unofficial Lincoln City Danny Cowley Action Figure (Photo)

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What better way to reenact Lincoln City's remarkableFA Cup run of 2016/17 than with your very own, fully-poseable Danny Cowley action figurine?

Indeed, if the following photo is anything to go by, it would appear that a (presumably unofficial) toymodel of the Imps boss is available to purchase somewhere out there in the weird yonder.

Newell’s Old Girl: Maxi Rodriguez Visits Argentinian Club’s Oldest Fan On Her 105th Birthday (Photo)

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Photo: @CANOBoficial/Twitter

Newell's Old Boys captain Maxi Rodriguez dropped in the Argentinian club's oldest fanlast week to deliver a couple of special presents in person on the occasion of her 105th birthday.

Born in 1912, Tati Rodriguez (no relation) moved to Rosario at the age of 18, immediately fell in love with Newell'sand she's been a staunch supporter ever since in fact, the club itself is only nine years older than her!

FAIL: River Plate Make Dog’s Dinner Of Four-On-One Situation In Argentine Primera Division (Video)

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River Plate's Primera Division clash with Belgrano on Sunday produced a very strong contender formiss of the season, with Tomas Andrade making a dog's dinner of a four-on-one situation for River.

The incident happened late on in the game, with River 2-1 up.

Catching Belgrano on the break, River players raced forward, with four players bearing down on the opposition goal.

Horror Hair: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang Debuts New ‘Glow In The Dark’ Five-Star Dye Job (Video)

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There is a common hypothesis that professional footballers, particularly at the upperend of the spectrum, have too muchdisposable income anda surplus of free time in which to fritter it away frivolously.

To that end, Borussia Dortmund striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang has been showing off his newluminescent haircut on Instagram.

Shit Lookalikes: Jamie Vardy (With Black Eye) & Alex From ‘Clockwork Orange’

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Top spot from Pies fan Luke W, who viddied that Jamie Vardy looks like a certain troublesome young droog with the addition of a black eye...

As revealed by the man himself after England's win over Lithuania, Vardy's shiner wasn't the result of a bit of good old fashioned ultra violence, rather being hit in the face by a stray football during a training session.

FAIL: Ex-Sevilla Striker Luis Fabiano Sent Off After Referee Feigns Headbutt During Brazilian Match (Video)

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Luis Fabiano found himself the recipient of one of the softest red cards theCampeonato Carioca has ever seen when the veteran striker was dismissed during the 54th minute of Vasco da Gama's 2-2 draw with Flamengo on Sunday evening.

Having already picked up a yellow earlier in the match, Fabiano made the mistake of getting all up in the referee's business only to find that the official had been taking pointers from his hero, one Paul Alcock.

Shane Long Used Pregnancy Breathing Techniques To Help Calm Seamus Coleman After Gruesome Double Leg Break

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Itwas quite possibly the tenderest scene Pies have ever witnessed on a football pitch the sight of Shane Long rushing to cradle teammate Seamus Coleman after the latter suffered a grim double leg break in the Republic of Ireland's recent 0-0 draw against Wales.

It's since been revealed that, in an attempt to keep Coleman as relaxedas possible in the immediate aftermath, Long actually implemented soothingbreathing techniques he'd learned while assisting his wife Kayleah with her pregnancy.

Scunthorpe Defender Murray Wallace Makes Heroic Last-Gasp Block While Sitting On His Backside (Video)

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Scunthorpe United pulled off a 3-2 victory over Bradford City on Sunday afternoon to move up into fourth in League One, but they had to rely on the magisterial talents of Scottish defender Murray Wallace to keep it that way in the dying seconds.

With the game about to tick over into the 93rd minute, Wallace produced a fantastic point-blank block to deny Bradford alate equaliser, and did so whilst sitting square on his backside.

Argentina Fan Gets Tattoo Tribute To Infamous Sliding Tackle That Split Javier Mascherano’s Anus In Twain (Photo)

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Javier Mascherano was forced to relive painful memories over the weekend when he came face to face with a tattoo tribute to his goal-denying sliding tackle at the 2014 World Cup.

With the score locked at 0-0 and mere seconds of normal time left to play in Argentina's drab semi-final against the Netherlands, Mascherano made up several metres on Arjen Robben to slam the door shut in dramatic fashion.

Sunday League Special: Hapless Team Try And Gloriously Fail To Overcome Unorthodox Defensive Approach (Video)

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Presenting: The Helm's Deep approach to defending corners...

Soon to be adopted in the upper echelons, here we see a hapless Sunday League side attempting to overcome their opposition'sunorthodox strategy for defending against corners.

Indeed, the defending team opted tobarricade their entire outfield into the goalmouth, thus allowing the goalkeeper to roam free around the 18-yard box and smother the strikers if possible.

Shit Football Kits: Man Utd’s Purported New ‘Holy Trinity’ Third Kit Is A Magnificent Grey Eyesore (Leaked Photo)

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An image of what is purported to be Manchester United's new third kit for next season has been doing the rounds today and, should it transpire to be genuine, then we can only offer fans our sincerest commiserations.

The leaked photo shows a dreary grey kit, livened up with a Corel Draw III clip-art image of the 'Holy Trinity statue' of Sir Bobby Charlton, George Best and Denis Law that stands outside Old Trafford.

World Cup Qualifying: Chris Martin Nets Late Winner v Slovenia To Keep Scotland’s Slim World Cup Hopes Alive (Video)

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Manager Gordon Strachan described Scotland's World Cup qualifier against Slovenia on Sunday as a must-win game and his side duly obliged, albeit courtesy of alate winner.

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After their embarrassing draw withCanada on Wednesday, Scotland were in need of a good performance against Slovenia and in the first-half, they produced a fine attacking display, with Russell Martin, among others, going close against an opposition who rarely threatened the Scottish goal.

World Cup Qualifying: Jermain Defoe On Target As England Ease To Victory v Lithuania (Photos &

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Jermain Defoe justified his re-call to the England side with a goal against Lithuania on Sunday, with the Three Lions cruising to a 2-0 win against a mediocre opposition.

Defoe has been one bright spot in Sunderland's dismal Premier League campaign, with the 34-year-old scoring 14 goals for the Black Cats this season.

Keith Gillespie Elbow Hospitalises Opponent During Man Utd Legends Charity Game (Video)

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A Manchester United Legends team which included Paul Scholes, Dwight Yorke and Bryan Robson lined out against an Australian XIthis weekend, in a charity game in honour of West Ham youngster Dylan Tombies, who died after a long battler with cancer in 2014.

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However,one incident in the game was anything but charitable, with ex-Man Utd, Newcastle and Blackburn winger Keith Gillespie hospitalising an opponent with an inexplicable elbow.

Greek Tweak: Belgium Forward Dries Mertens Picks Up Weirdest Yellow Card Of The International Break (Video)

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Saturday night's World Cup qualifier between Belgium and Greece was a feisty old affair, with the away side ultimately finishing the night with nine men on the pitch.

The game also saw a blizzard of yellow cards administered throughout, though you'll have to go some way to find an infringement weirder than the one that landed Dries Mertens in the book.

Steven Gerrard Scores Impressive Volley As Liverpool Legends Edge Out Real Madrid Counterparts (Video)

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Liverpool Legends edged out their Real Madrid counterparts in a 4-3 win at Anfield, raising thousands of pounds for the Liverpool FC Foundation in the process.

As is scripted beforehand, it was Steven Gerrard who popped up with the decisive goalfor the Reds, ramming home a 78th-minute volley after setting himself up with a smart first touch.

New San Diego Football Club Make Mistake Of Asking Fans To Decide Team Name As ‘Footy McFooty Face’ Leads Vote

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Image: Soccer City San Diego/NBC

San Diego are currently in the midst of an £800million projectto create a new MLS team and an entire football-centric 'mini-city'in which to base them.

Indeed, located in Mission Valley, the 55-acre Soccer City San Diego complex will be centred around a custom-built 30,000-seater stadium and also feature a variety of training facilities, academies, and office buildings.

Seamus Coleman Suffers Double Leg Break, Expected To Be Out For At Least Six Months

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It has been reportedtoday that poor Seamus Coleman suffered a double leg break in Republic of Ireland's goalless draw against Wales on Friday evening.

Colemanwas nobbled by a dreadful reckless lunge from Neil Taylor that left the Irish defender writhing in agony on the turf and his Welsh counterpart on the receiving end of a straight red card.

International Friendly: Crystal Palace Winger Wilfried Zaha Scores Outrageous Solo Goal For Ivory Coast v Russia (Video)

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Ivory Coast registered a 2-0 away win in Russia on Friday night, with Wilfried Zaha producing an outstanding solo effort which even had the home fans applauding.

Aston Villa'sJonathan Kodjia opened the scoring on the half-hour mark via a superb piledriver of an effort.

World Cup Qualifying: Seamus Coleman Broken Leg Overshadows Dour Encounter As Rep Of Ireland Draw With Wales (Photos & Video)

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The Republic of Ireland and Wales played out a dismal draw at the Aviva Stadium on Friday night, with the goalless game overshadowed by an horrific injury sustained by Seamus Coleman.

The hosts provided little attacking threat, instead dropping deep to stifle the likes of Gareth Bale.

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Real Madrid star did go close on a couple of occasions, but overallWales themselves struggled to create enough decent chances in a dour encounter.

Blizzard: Icelandic Cup Match Abandoned After Being Engulfed By Snow Storm Of Biblical Proportions (Photo & Video)

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Photo: @blikar_is/Twitter

The Icelandic League Cup match between Fram andBreidablik had to be abandoned with 20 minutes left to play when ahuge snowstorm engulfed the game.

Breidablik live-tweeted updates as the weather began to turn, including this snippetof their substitutes looking just a little bit cold around the edges.

Neymar Scores Impudent Chip, Ex-Tottenham Flop Paulinho Nets Stunning Hat-Trick As Brazil Beat Uruguay 4-1 (Video)

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With both Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldoentering the autumns of their respective careers, 25-year-old Neymar is surely destined to eventually take their places as the best player on the planet.

During Brazil's World Cup qualifier away to Uruguay on Thursday night, the Barcelona star scored a peach of a goal while ex-Tottenhammidfielder Paulinho bagged a cracking hat-trick.

Xherdan Shaqiri Scores Several Stonking Volleys During Switzerland Training Session (Video)

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Having not featured for Stoke since January, Xherdan Shaqiri was keen to remind folks of his existence and as such posted a couple of highlights mustered during yesterday's Switzerland training session.

With a qualifier against Latvia to limber up for, Shaqiri pulled a fewstunners out of the bag, lashing home threestonking acrobatic volleys over the course of the afternoon.

USA Star Carli Lloyd Scores First Goal For Man City Women In Champions League Quarter-Final Win (Photos & Video)

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USA star Carli Lloyd got off the mark for Manchester City Women on Thursday, netting the only goal of the game in a tight Champions League quarter-final first leg clash away to Fortuna Hjorring.

City were much the better side throughout the game against the Danish champions, and eventually took the lead on the half-hour mark, with an unmarked Lloyd heading home a Jane Ross centre.

‘I’ll Headbutt Somebody On The Pitch Like Zidane’ – Gianluigi Buffon Plans To Retire In Style As And When The Time Comes

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Having already been on this Earth for 39 wholeyears, Gianluigi Buffon has reluctantly acknowledged that he might notactually be able to play on forever.

Indeed, Buffon is all set to makethe 1,000th appearanceof his career when Italy play Albania on Friday evening 220 for Parma, 612 for Juventus and 168 for the Azzurri.

Retro Football: Young Roberto Martinez Demonstrates How To Defend Against Long Throw-Ins, 1996 (Video)

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Photo: Press Association

Having pioneered a slew of innovative systems with Everton (the 'hopelessly isolated frontman' and the 'hideously exposed flat back two' instantly spring to mind) in recent years, it's largely agreed that Roberto Martinez is one of football's greatest tactical minds.

‘It Was Surreal To Be Honest!’ – Robbie Fowler Recalls The Time He Somehow Ended Up On Real Madrid’s Title-Winning Bus Parade

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Robbie Fowler turned out forseveral clubs in his time, having enjoyed stints of varying success atLiverpool, Leeds United, Man City, Cardiff City,Blackburn Rovers, North Queensland Fury, Perth Glory and, most famously, Muangthong United of Thailand.

He did not however, represent Real Madrid at least not intentionally anyway.

Peruvian Police Seize Enormous Shipment Of Cocaine With Lionel Messi’s Face All Over It (Photos)

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Drug police in Peru have seized a enormous shipmentof cocaine bearing the image of Lionel Messi and worth an estimated $85million (approx. £68million).

A massive 1,417 kilos of the drug were intercepted by the Peruvian National Police's Anti-drugs Office (Dirandro) in Lima on Wednesday after it was discovered wrapped in containers of squid fillets bound for Belgium.

‘To A Loyal Supporter And Season-Ticket Holder’ – Charlton Lay Scarf On Seat In Tribute To Police Officer Killed In Westminster Terror Attack

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Charlton Athletic have paid their own humble tribute to PC Keith Palmer, the police officer killed in yesterday's dreadful terrorattack outside the Houses of Parliament in Westminster.

Palmer was a Charlton fan and, as such, the club doffed their cap by drapinga scarf overSeat 166 in the East Stand at The Valley the very seat PC Palmer held a season ticket for.

Reports: Everton ‘Complete Deal’ To Build Brand New Stadium On Banks Of River Mersey

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Everton have announced plans to build themselves a brand spanking new stadium on thebanks of the River Mersey.

Specifically, the club have successfully purchased land at the Bramley Moore Dock from owners Peel Holdings, which the Guardian report set them back around about £30million.

[The deal] forms part of a £5.

‘F**king Brilliant’ – Lukas Podolski Reveals What Joe Hart Said To Him After Scoring Only Goal In Germany’s Win Over England

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Lukas Podolski brought a formal end to his international career last night in what panned out like a scripted evening of light entertainment.

Indeed, the 31-year-old signed off by scoring the only goal in a 1-0 win over England an absolute cannon from 25 yards that left Joe Hart with no chance.

Newcastle Fan Claims He Had To Jump Onto Pitch During Huddersfield Match Because ‘His Tattoo Was Hurting’

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The Newcastle fan who got himself pinched for attempting to invadethe pitch duringthe recent 3-1 win overHuddersfield Town has claimed he simply had no choice but to encroach.

Reece Smailes was charged and subsequently pleaded guilty to entering the playing area when he spilled over the safety barrierfollowing Dwight Gayle's 91st-minute goal at The John Smith's Stadium on 4th March.

Nine Years Later: Jonas Olsson Leaves West Brom With Immediate Effect To Join Swedish Side Djurgarden IF

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Out of the blue yonder, Jonas Olsson has ended his nine-year stint atWest Brom with a sudden move back home to Sweden.

The 34-year-old has left the Baggies with immediate effect, mulching the last few months of his contract in order to join Djurgarden IF.

Judging by his statement onthe official West Brom website, the news even seems to have taken Olsson by surprise:

It's all happened so quickly I've not had chance to say a proper farewell to so many people.

‘I’m Not Sure How Long I Can Carry On’ – Jeff Stelling Mulling Soccer Saturday Retirement After Too Many Years Of Paul Merson

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Image: Sky Sports News

After 40 years at the media coalface, Jeff Stelling has revealed that he is beginning to mull over the possibility of retirement.

Having started out at Radio Tees in the late 1970s and working his way up the BSkyB ladder, Stelling eventually found his niche as the presenter of Soccer Saturday, where he's been in situ, in one form or another, since 1994.

Friendly: Scotland Labour To Embarrassing Draw At Home To Canada (Photos & Video)

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Easter Road played host to another underwhelmingperformance from Scotland on Wednesday night, with Gordon Strachan's men only managing a draw against minnows Canada.

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Fraser Aird scored the opener for the visitors, who are ranked 117th in the world, with the Falkirk man capitalising on some appalling defending to fire home on 11 minutes.

Friendly: England Narrowly Beaten By Germany In Lukas Podolski’s International Swansong (Photos & Video)

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England were narrowly pipped by Germany in what ultimately transmogrified into a glorified international testimonial for Lukas Podolski.

Indeed, kick-off in Dortmund was delayed by several minutes while the man of the hour entertained the crowd with a dramatic reading of his farewell poem.

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On the occasion of his 130th and final appearance for Die Mannshaft,Podolskisigned off by scoring the only goal of the game a 69th-minute dazzler that rocketed into Joe Hart's left-hand top corner.

Arsenal: Embarrassing Anti-Wenger Fan Sings Embarrassing Anti-Wenger Song (Video)

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As if the street marches and the plane banners weren't silly enough, one Arsenal fan has signalled the death knell for the entire Anti-Wenger movement by producing one of the most cringe-inducing protest anthems you could possibly imagined.

Filmed alone in his bedroom, the fan warbles his way through his self-penned effort,which borrows abacking track from one of the most inspirational protest anthems in existence "Leave Right Now" by Will Young.

‘I’ve Never Regarded Myself As A Celebrity’ – Roy Hodgson Reveals He Turned Down ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ Offer

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Roy Hodgson has been speaking to the Big Issue, covering such diverse subjects as literature, alternative vocations and why the bloody hell he stuck Harry Kane on corner duty at Euro 2016.

As well as naming his Top 10 favourite books (which consisted of just six), Hodgson also revealed that he knocked back an offer to appear on Strictly Come Dancing, chiefly on the basis that he doesn't consider himself to be a celebrity:

I'd have been another Ed Balls!

Nothern Ireland: Ballymena United Ball-Boy Sent Off For Celebrating Too Raucously In Front Of Opposition Dugout (Photo)

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Image: NIFL Premiership

Tuesday night saw Ballymena United take on rivals Coleraine in an eventful derby clash over in theNorthern Ireland Premiership.

As always, it fellto the official Ballymena United Twitter account to keep their fansabreast of the action in live-text form.

‘Bung’ – Phil Neville Accuses Pierluigi Collina Of Fixing Everton’s 2005 Champions League Defeat Against Villarreal

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Like many Evertonians, Phil Neville harbours a grudge against ex-referee Pierluigi Collina for a controversial decisionthat ultimately saw the Toffees knocked out of the Champions League back in 2005.

Everton eventually lost 2-1 against Villarreal at El Madrigal and 4-2 on aggregate, as Collina disallowed a late Duncan Ferguson header that would have sent the tie to extra-time.

RIP Ronnie Moran: 15 Belting Vintage Photos Of ‘Mr Liverpool’ In His Pomp

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The sad news doing the rounds this morning is that Ronnie Moran, bona fide Liverpool club legend, has passed away at the age of 83.

Moran joined the Reds as a 15-year-old in 1949 and duly spent his entire playing career at the club, making 379 appearances, many of which as captain.

He then moved intocoaching at the behest of Bill Shankly, thus forming part of the iconic 'Boot Room Boys' alongside Shanks, Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan and Reuben Bennett.

‘I Call My Daughter My Girlfriend’ – Mohammed Anas Successfully Explains Post-Match Interview Blunder

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Image: SuperSport

Move over Gordon Banks, for your acrobatic denial ofPele at the 1970 World Cup has been usurped as the greatest last-gasp save of all time.

Mohammed Anas now claims that title, after conjuring up the mother of all excuses for thanking both his wife and his girlfriend during a recent post-match interview.

Crystal Palace: Charlton Fan Denies Punching Eagle Mascot During South London Derby

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A Charlton fan who tried to punch Crystal Palace's famous eagle mascot during a heated South London derby in 2015 has denied the charge of criminal damage.

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The 35-year-old Daniel Boylett was picked up by police after Charlton's 4-1 defeat to Crystal Palace in the EFL Cup at Selhurt Park in September 2015.

Copy+Paste Fail: Gary Neville Falls Into The Victor Anichebe Trap With Hastily Deleted Instagram Gaffe

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Gary Neville was left a little red-faced today when he pulled what's known in the trade as "a Victor Anichebe" on social media.

Further destroying the facade that footballers actually expressany original thoughts of their own online, Neville posted a message in support of the Bobby Moore Fund's new 'Moore To Know' campaign.

Hoffenheim’s Prodigious 29-Year-Old Boss Julian Nagelsmann Wins ‘German Coach Of The Year’ Award

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Despite being little more than a foetus in a body-warmer, Julian Nagelsmann has been named Trainerpreis des Deutschen Fussballs 2016 German Coach of the Year after a sterling first full season in the Hoffenheim hotseat.

Nagelsmann was only 28 when he was fast-tracked intothe Hoffenheim management rolelast February, becoming the youngest head coach in Bundesliga history in the process.

‘I Haven’t Seen The Sun Since I Arrived’ – Andrea Ranocchia Is Adjusting Nicely To Life At Hull City

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While Hull may well be the current European City of Culture, the fact remains that not many people give up living and working in Milan to chase the dream ofwalking the Seven Seas Fish Trail*.

However, that's exactly the fate that has befallen Andrea Ranocchia, who left Inter Milan at the end ofJanuary to join Hull City on loan for the remainder of the season.

Man Utd Allow Bastian Schweinsteiger To Join Chicago Fire, German Midfielder Signs One-Year Contract With MLS Side

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Word on the wire today is that Manchester United are close to allowing Bastian Schweinsteiger to leave the club mid-season in favour of a switch to MLS.

The German, who has made just four appearances for United this season, has reportedly agreed a short-term deal with Chicago Fire.

According to the Chicago Tribune, a deal was struck between the two clubs yesterday with a medical and a Visa now the only obstacles to overcome.

Reports: Arsene Wenger Has Signed Two-Year Contract Extension, Arsenal Waiting For ‘Good Time’ To Announce It

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With the wrangling and speculation over his contract situation still churning away, it's being mooted that Arsene Wenger has come to a decision about his immediate future with Arsenal.

Speaking in the tunnel after Saturday's slovenly defeat to West Brom, Wenger admitted thathe'd made the calland that everybody would be informed "very soon".

Bradford City: New(ish) Owners Vow To Sell Premier League Tickets For £1 Should Bantams Ever Reach Top Flight

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Having arrivedlast May, Bradford City's new-ish owners have wasted little time in delivering on theirmandate to revitalise the flagging club from the bottom up.

German pair Edin Rahic and Stefan Rupp have since restructured the organisation of the club, implementing a raft of new structures and even sprucing up the training facilities.

Retro Football: Ronaldinho Scores First Ever Goal For Brazil (Assisted By Cafu) Against Venezuela, 1999 (Video)

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Ronaldinho is turning 37 years young today, so we thought we'd offer a simple tribute by traipsing right back to the far end of the Brazilian virtuoso's career.

The year was 1999, and theSelecao were playing Venezuela in their opening matchof the Copa America.

With Brazil already 4-0 up, a scrawny young bag of bones entered the fray in the 70th minute and promptly opened his international goal-scoring account just four minutes later.

Andy Townsend Recalls Moment He Attempted To Console Gareth Southgate After Euro ’96 Penalty Miss, Only To Be Upstaged By Liam Gallagher (Video)

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With England set to take on Germany on Wednesday night, the chatter in the BBC 5Live studio inevitably turned to manager Gareth Southgate's most well-trodden previous dalliancewith Die Mannshaft.

We are of course talking about the semi-finals of Euro '96, wherein Southgate fluffedthe crucial penalty to send the Germans through to the final.

Moving Upstairs: Roma Icon Francesco Totti Offered Six-Year Contract To Say On As Club Director

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Francesco Totti has reportedly been offered a six-year contract to stay on at Roma as a club director.

The Giallorossi legend turned 40 at the start of the season, scoring thrice in his 20 appearances so far in what is his 24th tour of duty with his one and only club.

However, it would appear Roma are now keen to shiftthe veteran 'upstairs' come next season, with president James Pallotta quoted as telling Gazzetta dello Sport:

We've not spoken [about his playing future] but Francesco has a six-year contract as a director.

EFL Announce ‘Team Of The Season’ For Championship, League One & League Two With Eight Games Still Left To Play

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In what seems like a slightly premature move, the EFL have released their 2016/17 Team of the Season selections for the Championship, League One and League Two.

As you may have twigged, on average there are still two months and eight games left to play this campaign (Rochdale have ten fixtures left), with the play-offs scheduled thereafter.

Sunderland: David Moyes Dropped Didier Ndong Against Burnley Because He Wanted ‘More Britishness’ In Midfield

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Rock bottom of the Premier League, Sunderland once again went into Saturday's game against Burnley desperately needing to take something from the fixture.

They managed a 0-0 draw at the Stadium of Light but David Moyes was criticised for his selection after dropping Didier Ndong to the benchin favour of Jack Rodwell, thus stodging up his midfield in an attempt to hamper the Clarets.

Bundesliga: Arjen Robben Throws Tantrum After Being Subbed Off, Bayern Munich Bench Find It Hilarious (Video)

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Bayern Munich snaffled a 1-0 win over Borussia Monchengladbach on Sunday evening to preserve their lead at the Bundesliga summit, though the match did end on a slightly sour note for one player.

That man was Arjen Robben, who threw a minor tantrum after being replaced by Renato Sanches for the final five minutes of the match.

FAIL: Ghanaian Footballer Accidentally Thanks Wife And Girlfriend During Same Post-Match Interview (Video)

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Image: SuperSport

Mohammed Anas scored twice in Free State Stars' 2-2 draw against Ajax Cape Town and as such landed the Man of the Match award.

Unfortunately, the Ghanaian striker wasn't quite so deft while picking up his award on live television after the final whistle.

During his acceptance speech, Anas accidentally thanked the two women in his life, instantly realised he'd made the blunder and desperately tried to rectify it:

Thank you for this, I appreciate my fans.

Marcus Rashford The Poster Boy As England Launch Startlingly Dull New Away Kit (Photos)

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England have press-ganged Marcus Rashford into modelling their new away kit, which is to be worn for the first time against Germany duringWednesday night's friendly in Dortmund.

It's another largely plain, fairly dull, two-tone offering from Nike, this time in navy blue sorry, "midnight".

League Of Ireland: Derry City In Shock After Sudden Death Of 27-Year-Old Club Captain Ryan McBride

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Derry City are a club in shock this morning after their captain Ryan McBride passed away suddenly on Sunday at the heart-breakingly young age of just 27.

The League of Ireland Premier Division side said they were "devastated" to confirm that McBride died the day after leading his team to a 4-0 win over Drogheda United.

Las Fallas: People Of Valencia Burn Unflattering Cristiano Ronaldo Puppet As Part Of Fire Festival Celebrations (Photo)

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Over the weekend, the good people of Valencia took to the streets over to burn an scatological effigy of Cristiano Ronaldo.

Thankfully, it's not quite as grim as it sounds, as the Ronaldo dummy was torched as part of the Spanish city's annual week-long Las Fallas festival.

Every year in March, volleys of fireworks are releasedand a cavalcade of different puppets and dummiesof famous rogues (known colloquially as 'ninots') are set alight to pay homage to Saint Joseph.

Chip Off The Old Block: Dirk Kuyt’s Five-Year-Old Son Scores Skillful Solo Goal For Dutch Youth Side (Video)

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Following in his old man's footsteps, Dirk Kuyt's young son is currently on the books atQuick Boys Katwijk the very same youth team Kuyt Senior represented as a nipper.

With relentlessstamina and a shock of blonde hair,little Aidan Kuyt certainly looks to be a chip off the old block, and he's already fairly decent with his feet too.

MLS: San Jose Earthquakes ‘Keeper David Bingham Makes Catastrophic Mess Of Off-Target Shot (Video)

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David Bingham lodged a very strong entrant for goalkeeping balls-up of the season at the weekend, with the San Jose Earthquakes' glovesman somehow managing to direct an off-target effort back into his own goal.

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The ricket came late on during San Jose's MLS clash with Sporting Kansas City at a sold-outChildren's Mercy Park.

Man City And Liverpool Play Out Hugely Entertaining Draw At The Etihad (Photos & Video)

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Manchester City and Liverpool produced a cracking game at the Etihad on Sunday, with the clash somehow producing only two goals after both sides spurned a number of great chances.

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In the first-half, City midfielder Yaya Touré was rather fortunate only to pick up a booking after he slid in on Emre Can, catching the German in the chest.

Arsenal: Feeble Gunners Flop To Defeat Against West Brom (Photos & Video)

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Of the two sets of Arsenal fans who flew pre-match banners above the Hawthorns on Saturday, the 'Wenger Out' brigade will no doubt be feeling rather more smug after yet another dismal display from the Gunners.

Having lost three of their last four league games, Arsenal were in desperate need of a win but faced a West Brom side enjoying a fine season which has seen them rise to the top eight in the table.

Fenerbache: Martin Skrtel Scores Impressive Solo Goal After Dribbling From Inside His Own Half (Video)

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Hardly what you might call his stock-in-trade, Martin Skrtel scored a superb solo effort in Fenerbahce's Friday night Super Lig outing against Konyaspor.

Picking the ball up in his own half, the ex-Liverpool centre-back embarked on a powerful chargeup-field, bursting past two or threedefenders before lashing a shot past the goalkeeper from 20 yards.

Man Utd: Jesse Lingard Nets Stunner v Middlesbrough As Man Utd Secure 600th Premier League Victory (Video)

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Despite being without the suspended Zlatan Ibrahimovic and the injured Paul Pogba, Manchester United secured a deserved 3-1 win away to Middlesbrough on Sunday to make it 600 victories in the Premier League for the Red Devils.

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United took the lead on the half-hour mark, via a Marouane Fellaini header from an Ashley Young centre.

Arsenal: Fans Fly Opposing Wenger Banners Above Hawthorns (Photos)

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Despite reports that inclement weather would scupper their plans, a group of Arsenal fans did manage to see their anti-Wenger banner take to the skies before the Gunners Saturday lunchtime clash with West Brom.

However, when it comes to bickering, Arsenal fans don't t do things by halves, with a pro-Wenger banner appearing over the Hawthorns at the same time.

Pies Classics: St Patrick’s Day Special – 10 English-Born Footballers Who Played For Republic Of Ireland

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As a doff of the wax cap to it beingSt Patrick's Day and all, Piesthought we'd have a little look-see at those gentlemen who, despite being born upon the sceptred shores of Albion, decided to represent the Republic of Ireland with pride at international level much like old Saint Paddy himself.

Europa League Quarter-Final Draw: Man Utd Handed Exciting Two-Legger Against Anderlecht

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As well as the Champions League, the draw for the quarter-finals of UEFA's premiere secondary continental cup competition has also taken place this morning.

Thanks to official draw ambassador Patrik Andersson, Manchester United have been presentedwith an exciting last-eight fixture against Anderlecht.

Gareth Southgate Reveals Theo Walcott Threw Wobbler After Being Excluded By England On His Birthday

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Gareth Southgate has revealed that Theo Walcott threw a bit of a wobbler when he learned that he'd missed out on a place in the latest England squad and on his birthday of all days.

While there were surprise call-ups for the likes ofMichail Antonio, Michael Keane, Nathan Redmond and James Ward-Prowseand Jake Livermore, Southgate decided against including Walcott, who was busy eating jelly and ice-cream and playing pass the parcel when the call came from the England boss.

Adorable: Terminally Ill Sunderland Fan Bradley Lowery Reacts To Jermain Defoe’s England Call-Up (Video)

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The news of Jermain Defoe's long-awaited recall to the England squad was welcomed by many fans, who were glad to see the veteran striker rewarded for his resurgent form at club level.

However, Defoe's inclusion in Gareth Southgate's latest ensemble came as positively joyous news to his youngest friend, wee Sunderland fanatic Bradley Lowery.

Champions League Quarter-Final Draw: Leicester City Avoid Bayern Munich And Barcelona, Face Challenging Trip To Atletico Madrid

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The balls are out of the pots and inreward for seeing off Sevilla in the last 16, Leicester City will be facing further, stiffer Spanish competition in the quarter-finals of the Champions League namely, Atletico Madrid.

According to the odds at Betway, the reigning Premier League championsare unsurprisingly massive 33/1 outsiders to win the whole thing outright, largely because they'd have to dispatch several of Europe's elite clubs to get their hands on the big cup.

Arsenal: Plans To Fly ‘Anti-Wenger’ Banner Over Stadium Scuppered By Bad Weather In West Bromwich

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Due to their collective and ranklack of perspective, a group of fans were planning to fly an 'anti-Arsene Wenger' banner over Arsenal's game against West Brom this coming Saturday afternoon.

A crowdfunding campaign was used to raise the £2,500 necessary to stage the aerial protest, which included the hiring of a plane, the printingof a huge"Wenger Out: No New Contract" banner and an assortment of boards, balloons and beach balls to wave about in the crowd at the Hawthorns.

Juan And Only: Mata On Target As Man Utd Progress To Last Eight Of Europa League (Video)

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Manchester United booked their place in the last eight of the Europa League on Thursday, courtesy of a hard-fought 1-0 win over Rostov at Old Trafford (and a 2-1 aggregate score).

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The game was set up nicely after the 1-1 first-leg draw in Russia, with the Red Devils the clear favourites to progress.

Benjamin Mendy Politely Reminds TV Pundit About Promise To ‘Eat A Rat’ If Monaco Defender Ever Received France Call-Up

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TwoFrench pundits are facing a less than appetising prospect after making a foolhardy wager about the international prospectsof Monaco full-back Benjamin Mendy.

Almost three years ago, RMC Sport analysts Eric di Meco and Daniel Riolodeclared that they'dgladly "eat a rat" if the then-19-year-old, who had struggled in his debut season at Marseille, ever found his way into the France squad.

England Squad Announced: Jermain Defoe Back In The Pack As Gareth Southgate Calls Up Raft Of New Faces

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England have announced their squad for the upcoming friendly against Germany and the World Cup qualifier against Lithuania thereafter and the headline news is that Jermain Defoe has played his way back into the fold.

Having scored 14 goals for Sunderland so far this season, 34-year-old Defoe is now in line to win his first international cap since November of 2013.

‘I Couldn’t Convince Them To Attack’ – Pep Guardiola Left To Rue Flaccid Performance As Man City Sent Packing By Monaco

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Despite fielding a very top-heavy starting XI, Pep Guardiola was left to rue his side's inability to attack convincinglyas Man City were knocked out of the Champions League by Monaco last night.

Carrying over a 5-3 lead from the first leg at the Etihad, City lacked the necessary aggression to kill off the encounterin the second eventually slumping to a fairly meek 2-1 defeat at the Stade Louis II, thus losing out on away goals.

‘Jamie Vardy Is A Cheat’ – Samir Nasri Not Happy Bunny After Attempted Mind-Meld With Leicester Striker Backfires Horribly

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Samir Nasri has flat-out accused Jamie Vardy of cheating after the Sevilla midfielder was sent off for attempting an unsolicited mind-meld with the Leicester City striker during Tuesday night's Champions League clash.

Both playerswere shown yellow cards after the intense static discharge caused by rubbing their foreheads together caused Vardyto half-topple backwards.

AFC Wimbledon ‘Welcome’ MK Dons To Kingsmeadow For First Time By Completely Refusing To Acknowledge Opponents (Photos)

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Tuesday night saw AFC Wimbledon'welcome' MK Dons to their Kingsmeadow ground for the first time sincethe two clubs acrimoniously splintered back in 2002.

As you might expect, Wimbledondidn't prove to beoverly gracious hosts for the League One encounter in fact, the entire eveningproved to be actively hostile.

Official: Middlesborough Sack Aitor Karanka As Spectre Of Relegation Looms Large

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Somewhatunsurprisingly, Middlesbrough have relieved Aitor Karanka of his duties following the team's slide into the Premier League relegation zone.

The news was broken today, with Karankaultimately paying the price for having not mustered a win in the league since mid-December.

MFC can today confirm the departure of Head Coach Aitor Karanka https://t.

Retro Football: Presenting The Worst Goal Man Utd Have Ever Scored, Against Sheff Wed In 1991 (Video)

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Despite the best efforts of Paul Warhurst to gift them the win, Manchester United ended up losing 3-2 against Sheffield Wednesday in what might loosely be described as a 'thriller' at Hillsborough in October of 1991.

Having gone1-0 down to an early David Hirst strike, it didn't take long for United to restore parity less than two minutes in fact, thanks to Warhurst's superbly weighted through-ball to Brian McClair.

Champions League: Guardiola Fails To Make Last Eight For First Time As Man City Crash Out In Monaco (Photos & Video)

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Pep Guardiola has failed to reach the last eight of the Champions League for the time as a manager after his Manchester City side lost 3-1 to Monaco on Wednesday night, with the away goals rule dumping the Premier League side out of the competition via a 6-6 aggregate scoreline.

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Two goals up from the 5-3 first-leg result, the Citizens were confident of booking their place in the last eight at the Stade Louis II.

Champions League: Porto Fan Clambers Over Into Juventus Section To Swap Scarves With Rival Supporter (Video)

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Porto's hardy band of travelling fans were in fine form last night, singing, chanting andgenerally cavorting the night away despite watching Juventus knock their side out of the Champions League.

The revelryin the away end was perhaps best encapsulated by alone Porto fan, who scaled the perimeter fence and clambered over into aJuventus section just to swap souvenirs with a rival supporter.

Champions League: The Fairytale Continues As Leicester Beat Sevilla To Claim Place In Quarter-Finals (Photos & Videos)

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The fairytale continues for Leicester City after the Premier League champions overturned a first-leg 2-1deficit to beat Sevilla 2-0 at the King Power Stadium and book their place in the last eight of the Champions League.

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Claudio Ranieri was sacked after the first-leg defeat in Spain but under new boss Craig Shakespeare, the Foxes have been revitalised.

Champions League: Leicester Fans Unfurl Huge Banner Of Craig Shakespeare Riding A Rottweiler (Photo)

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Claudio who? Leicester City fans saluted theirnew hero ahead of last night's Champions League second-legger against Sevilla with an enormous banner unfurled in the stand behind the goal at the King Power Stadium.

It depicted Ranieri's replacement, Craig Shakespeare, fully suited and riding into battleon the back of a giant rottweiler.

Swedish Club Osters IF Launch New Initiative To Punish Own Players For Diving, Play-Acting, Etc

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Photo: Osters IF/Facebook

Swedish side Osters IF have had it up to *here* with diving and play-acting and, as such, are taking matters into their own hands.

The second-tier club are launching a zero-tolerance initiative that will see them happily punish their own players if theyshouldpartake in any footballing skullduggery.

Renaissance Man: Carlo Ancelotti Cooks Carbonara On Bayern Munich’s New 24-Hour TV Channel (Video)

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As you well know, Carlo Ancelotti is a man of many talents, having already conquered the realms of football and bit-part Hollywood acting and you can now go ahead and add 'celebrity cheffing' to that impressive repertoire as well.

Followingthe launch of Bayern Munich's 24-hour television channel last month, Ancelotti appeared on a cooking segment with famous Bavarian restaurateur (and Bayern team chef)Alfons Schuhbeck.

Dortmund Confirm Mario Gotze Will Not Play Again This Season Due To Ongoing ‘Metabolic Disturbance’ Issue

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Borussia Dortmund have confirmed that Mario Gotze will not play again this season as he continues receiving treatment for the metabolic issue that has blighted his season so far.

Gotze, who has managed less than half an hour on the pitch since the turn of the year, was diagnosed with what Dortmund called "metabolic disturbance" last month.

Champions League: Bayer Leverkusen Wunderkind Kai Havertz Ruled Out Of Atletico Madrid Game By Important School Exams

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Trailing 4-2 from the first leg, Bayer Leverkusen wereprobably well aware they were facing an uphill struggle to overturn the aggregate scoreline against Atletico Madrid at the Vicente Calderon.

However, after taking a pre-match head count, Bayer realised that a tough job had just becomeever so slightly tougherthanks to their numbersbeing significantly depleted by a variety of injuries and suspension.

Reports: Romelu Lukaku Rejects Most Lucrative Contract Offer In Everton History

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How quickly things can change, eh? Just when it looked like Romelu Lukaku was odds-on to extend his stay at Everton, it emerges that the Belgian striker has now rejected the offer on the table.

Last week Lukaku was reported to have agreed terms on a mammoth new £140,000-a-week contract extensionthat would've madehim the highest-paid player in Everton history, with his agent Mino Raiola saying the deal was "99.

Diego Maradona Recreates The ‘Hand Of God’ During Kick-About With Korean Schoolkids (Photos & Video)

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At FIFA's behest, both Diego Maradona and Pablo Aimar flew into Suwon today to help publicise the draw for the upcoming Under-20 World Cup being staged in South Korea.

As part of the event,the Argentinian pair took part in a kick-about inHwaseong Haenggung Square, which included a series of skill challenges and a mini 5-a-side match involving two teams of local kids.

‘Nothing Short Of Scandalous’ – Notts County Owner Tears Into John Sheridan Over Ex-Manager’s Decision To Appeal Dismissal For Gross Misconduct

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Notts County owner Alan Hardy has torn into John Sheridan, the manager he sacked in January, over the latter's decision to appeal his dismissal for gross misconduct.

Having first heard of the appeal through the League Manager's Association (LMA), Hardy has now openly accused Sheridan of attempting to ride roughshod over the "concept of respect in football" after canning the 52-year-old for embarking on an extraordinary, expletive-laden tirade at the match officials during County's defeat against Wycombe back in mid-December.

Steady On: Dimwit Arsenal Fan Seriously Draws Parallel Between Arsene Wenger And Robert Mugabe (Video)

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Here we see the precise moment thatthe anti-Arsene Wenger movement (and football in general) began toeat itself as onedimwit fan likens Arsene Wenger's rather successful 21-year reign at Arsenal to the untold bloodshed and tyranny Robert Mugabe has inflicted on Zimbabwe over the past three decades.

MLS: LA Galaxy Publicly Mock Portland Timbers Midfielder Diego Chara For His Wimpish Diving (Video)

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LA Galaxy took the unusual step of mocking an opposing player on social media after losing out to Portland Timbers at the weekend.

For better or worse, Diego Chara proved the difference for the Timbers, scoring the only goal of the game as well as dabbling in the dark arts to helpreduce Galaxy to ten men early in the game.

Champions League: PSG Send Letter To UEFA Listing Every Mistake Made By Referee Deniz Aytekin During Barcelona Match

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Showing anigh-on admirable refusal to let it lie, PSG have reportedly cobbled together a list of all the mistakes made by the referee during their Champions League second-leg capitulation against Barcelona and submitted it to UEFA.

According to Le Parisien (who claim to have gleaned their information fromMARCA andGazzetta dello Sport), PSG's top brass have compiled a list of what they deem to be every error madeby referee Deniz Aytekin throughout the duration of the match.

FA Cup: Kanté On Target, Herrera Sent Off As Chelsea Beat Man Utd In Bruising Semi-Final Clash (Photos & Video)

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Chelsea's hopes of winning the double remain on track after the Blues beat Manchester United 1-0 in a tense and tetchy quarter-final clash at Stamford Bridge.

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Chelsea started strongly with Eden Hazard shining from the off.

Indeed, the fleet-footed Belgian found himself on the wrong end of a number of fouls before eventually, with just 35 minutes of the game played, Ander Herrera was sent off for a second bookable offence after felling the winger.

FA Cup: Chelsea Face Tottenham And Arsenal Play Man City In Heavyweight Semi-Final Draw

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After Chelsea's tense 1-0 win quarter-final against 10-man Manchester United, the draw for the semi-finals of the FA Cup was made, and with four huge clubs still left in the competition, there was no chance of a dud fixture.

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Runaway league leaders were rewarded for that Stamford Bridge win against the Red Devils with a tasty all-London clash with Tottenham, with the two sides enjoying one win a-piece in their league clashes this season.

FAIL: Harrogate Town Defender Simon Ainge Misses From Two Yards, Skies Shot Out Of Stadium (Video)

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Image: Gloucester City AFC

Gloucester City dukedout a 1-1 draw with Harrogate Town in the National League North on Saturday, though the away side really should have departed Whaddon Road with all three points to their name.

This is because Harrogate defender Simon Ainge was presented witha glorious chance to score, only to boom a gilt-edged open goal over the bar in spectacular fashion.

Brazilian Game Goes From Minor Foul To Multi-Man Brawl, Riot Police, Tear Gas And Stadium Evacuation In Matter Of Minutes (Video)

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As if to encapsulate the wild west streak that still permeates the Braziliandomestic game, Sunday evening's lower league match between Gama and Brasiliense escalated from a minor infringement in the midfield to a full-scale stadium evacuation in amatter of minutes.

It all began when two players ended up on the floor after contesting a straightforward header down on the touchline.

Champions League: Thousands Of Peeved PSG Fans Sign Petition To Have Barcelona Match Replayed

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As is seemingly the done thing these days, a peeved fan has launched a petition to have Barcelona's Champions League remarkable win over PSG replayed because he refuses to acknowledgethe result.

Luis Olmedo, a Real Madrid supporter, started a petition over the weekend on the basis that Barca supposedly received several favourable refereeing decisions on their way to overturning PSG's 4-0 first-leg lead at the Camp Nou last Wednesday.

Outrageous Dive: Hearts Fan Takes Slow, Graceful Tumble Over Advertising Hoarding At Tynecastle (Video)

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Hearts served up a 4-0 stuffing of Hamilton at Tynecastle over the weekend, though it was one of their fans that ended up stealing the show.

During the latter stages of the match, the supporter in question painted his magnum opus by taking a slow, gradual tumble over the advertising hoarding behind the goal.

‘We Always Do It’ – Lincoln City Cleaned Dressing Room From Top To Bottom After Arsenal FA Cup Defeat

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"Right, I'll do the high dusting Waterfall, you fetch the mop...."

Lincoln City earned themselves a lot of admirers for the way in which they held their own against Arsenal in the FA Cup, especially in the early knockings of the quarter-final match.

Sadly, the Imps' tremendouscup run came to an end with a 5-0 defeat at the Emirates, but the National League side still found time to clean up after themselves after the final whistle.

MLS: ‘Wenger Out’ Campaign Goes Global As Solitary Sign Spotted In Crowd At Minnesota United Match (Photo)

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Sunday proved to be a glum old day for the 35,000 or so hardy Minnesota United fans that braved the freezing snow to attend their side's MLS game against Atlanta United.

Minnesotawound up on the wrong end of a 6-1 battering from a newly-formed team thathad only played one previous competitive match in their entire history.

Doing The Man Utd Shuffle: Japanese Side FC Gifu Change Kit At Half-Time After Passing To Opposition For 45 Minutes (Video)

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Down in the Japanese second division, FC Gifu were forced to invoke the 'Manchester United shuffle' and change their kit at half-time after a colour clash disrupted their game plan.

On Sunday afternoon, Gifu,wearingtheir traditional green, were onhosting duties against Matsumoto Yamaga, who turned out in their dull grey away strip.

La Liga: Keylor Navas Scores Incredibly Soft Own-Goal Before Making Stunning Save As Real Madrid Beat Betis (Video)

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Keylor Navas had a rather interesting game for Real Madrid against Real Betis on Sunday, with the Costa Rican 'keeper making one of the biggest goalkeeping howlers of the season before, later on, pulling off a mganificent save.

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Home side Real went behind on 25 minutes after some horrific goalkeeper from Navas.

Ligue 1: Ex-Man Utd Flop Memphis Depay Scores Wonder-Goal From Halfway Line For Lyon (Video)

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Memphis Depay scored a long-range wonder-strike for Lyon on Sunday, with the Dutch winger's brace helping his side to a 4-0 home win against Toulouse.

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Goals fromChristophe Jallet, Maxwel Cornet and Depay with his first, had put Lyon in the driving seat at theParc Olympique Lyonnais, before late on the former Man Utd flop produced one of the goals of the season.

‘Wexit’ – Arsenal Fans Hit New Low With Atrocious New Anti-Wenger Banner (Video)

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Ahead of Arsenal's 5-0 battering of non-league side Lincoln at the Emirates on Sunday, a gaggle of anti-Wengerfans staged a protestoutside the ground.

At the front of the march was none other than an incredibly cringe-worthy 'Wexit' banner. Unless it was a clever piece of satire onthe lack of perspective of the modern football, of course (it wasn't).

Ligue 1: Monaco Midfielder Joao Moutinho Scores Exquisite First-Time Chip Against Bordeaux (Video)

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Portuguese midfielder Joao Moutinho scored one of the goals o the season in Ligue 1 on Saturday, with the Monaco star perfectly executing a first-time long-range chip.

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The goal came on 74 minutes, with league-leaders Monaco already 1-0 up.

Receiving a pass from fellow countryman Bernardo Silva well outside the Bordeaux box, Moutinhoconnected beautifully with the ball, directing an exquisite chipped effort which sailed into the top corner of the net.

King Kazuyoshi Miura Scores Winning Goal For Yokohama At Grand Old Age Of 50 (Video)

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Kazuyoshi Miura celebrated his 50th birthday in style by scoring Yokohama FC's winning goal in their 1-0 win overThespakusatsu Gunma in the J2 League on Saturday afternoon.

The veteran striker, who officially overtook Sir Stanley Matthews to become the oldest professional football in history in the week, slotted home in the 40th minute to snaffle the narrow victory forYokohama.

Celtic: Ballgirl Gets Lippy With Clint Hill After Rangers Score Late Equaliser In Old Firm Derby (Video)

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A late Clint Hill goal gave Rangers a share of the points in Sunday's Old Firm derby at Celtic Park.

One of most passionate and heated derbies in world football, this weekend's edition was no exception, with one of the ballgirls perfectly encapsulating the rivalry.

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Stuart Armstrong had given Celtic the lead in the first-half.

FA Cup: Non-League Lincoln’s Fairytale Ends In 5-0 Drubbing At Arsenal (Photos & Video)

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Lincoln City's incredible run in this season's FA Cup came to an end at the Emirates on Saturday, with the non-league side losing 5-0 to Arsenal.

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After seeing his side crash out of the Champions League midweek courtesy of an embarrassing 10-2 aggregate defeat to Bayern Munich, Arsene Wenger named a full-strength first 11 for the visit of the Imps.

Shit Football Ink: Liverpool’s Alberto Moreno Adds To Baffling Collection Of Animal-Themed Body Art (Photo)

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Having made just three Premier League appearancesfor Liverpool since the turn of the year, Alberto Moreno has had plenty of time to indulge inhis extra-curricular passions.

Basically, he's been filling his skin with ridiculous tattoos of animals wearing human clothes we're talking a tiger in a bandana, a panda sporting a monocle and a bull terrier wearing boxing gloves.

FAIL: Silkeborg Captain Dennis Flinta Delicately Chips ‘Keeper To Score Delightful Own-Goal (Video)

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Nordsjaelland absolutely panned Silkeborg in the Danish Superliga on Friday night to leapfrogabove their vanquished opponents in mid-table.

The home side ran out 5-1 winners thanks in part to a helping hand from Silkeborg captainDennis Flinta, who scored their third goal of the evening with a delightfully deft chip over his own goalkeeper.

Bundesliga: Hertha Defender Mitchell Weiser Files Spectacular Fallon d’Floor 2017 Contender Against Dortmund (Video)

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Hertha Berlin pulled off a fairly surprising result againstBorussia Dortmund in the Bundesliga this afternoon, winning 2-1 at the Olympiastadion.

However, Thomas Tuchel's side should have been awarded adefault victory in the 90th minute when Hertha defender Mitchell Weiser resorted to laughably pathetic subterfugein an attempt to get Ousmane Dembele booked.

‘For Me, It Doesn’t Matter’ – Pep Guardiola Positively Elated At Winning Premier League Manager Of The Month For February (Photo & Video)

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Photo: Premier League

Pep Guardiola has been named Premier League Manager of the Month for February and can't you just tell from the joy in his eyes?

The Man City boss took the trinket for making it through last month with three wins from three games, against West Ham, Swansea and Bournemouth.

West Ham: Dimitri Payet Reveals He Forced An Exit Because He Was ‘Bored’ Of Playing For Hammers

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Further endearing himself to the fans he left behind, Dimitri Payet has claimed he was desperate to leave West Ham because he was "bored" of playing for them.

In an interview with L'Equipe, Payet discussed the questionable manner in which he forced through a move to Marseille in January.

Theway of approaching matches, the defensive system put in place, did not please me.

West Ham: Chris Jericho Offers Critique As Darren Randolph Locks Michail Antonio In Trademark Wrestling Hold (Video)

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Randolph definitely needs to work on his Five Star Frog Splash

As unlikely a Twitter conversation as you're ever likely to witness took place yesterday when WWE veteran Chris Jericho offered some sage advice to West Ham's goalkeeper on his submission technique.

It was prompted whenthe Hammers when the shared a video of Darren Randolph locking in the 'Walls of Jericho' on Michail Antonio during a training session, tagging WWE talent scout Triple H into the message for good measure.

‘Welcome To Smokenhagen’ – FC Copenhagen Fans Embrace Ajax Brethren With Brilliant Cloudy Tifo (Video)

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Fans of FC Copenhagen put on an impressive tifo to welcome their Ajax counterparts to the Danish capital ahead of last night's Europa League tie between the two sides.

Deploying several plumes of blue smoke, the home supporters paid homage to Amsterdam's legendary love of herbal cigarettes by referencing their own city's prodigious intake.

Nearly Men: Arsene Wenger Adds Kylian Mbappe To Long List Of Players He Almost Signed For Arsenal

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Arsene Wenger has added a new name to the ever-lengthening list of players he's nearly signed for Arsenal over the years.

The player in question is Kylian Mbappe, with Wenger revealing that he attempted to pilfer him from Monaco last summer only to realisethat he was in direct competition with every other big club in Europe.

Retro Football: Giovanni Trapattoni’s Immortal Bayern Munich Mega-Rant Is 19 Years Old Today (Video)

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Amazingly, it's now 19 years to the very day that Giovanni Trapattoni unleashed holy hell on the Bayern Munichpress room in 1998, embarking on a now infamous rant about the lapse attitude of some of his players.

The three-minute diatribe has worked its way into popular culture in Germany due to the fact that, riled upand unable to express himself fluently in a second language, Trap ended up raving in broken German with an Italian accent.

PSG: Thiago Motta Drives Into Fan After Angry Protests Over Shock Barcelona Defeat (Video)

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A Paris St Germain fan was apparently hospitalised after he was hit by Thiago Motta's car outsideLe Bourget airport on Wednesday night.

A group of angry fans waited outside the Paris airport for the PSG players to arrive home from their shock 6-1 defeat in Barcelona, and it soon turned nasty when they surrounded Motta's car.

Europa League: Alexandre Lacazette Lashes Home An Absolute Screamer To Cap Lyon’s 4-2 Win Over Roma (Video)

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Lyon came from behindto beat Roma 4-2 in the first leg of their Europa League last-16 fixture on Thursday evening.

Trailing 2-1 at the break, the French side rejigged and came thundering out of the traps to score three unanswered second half goals.

However, they had to wait until the 92nd minute for Alexandre Lacazette to register the goal of the night when the in-formOL striker absolutely rifleda demi-volley into the top corner from 20 yards out.

Europa League: Henrik Mkhitaryan On Target As Man Utd Battle To Draw In Rostov (Video)

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Manchester United will take a point back to Old Trafford for the second leg of their Last 16 Europa League tie with Rostov after the Red Devils drew 1-1 in Russia.

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238 United fans had made the trip to Rostov, rewarded for their 3,750 round-trip by having their visas paid for by the club.

Champions League: Aubameyang Bags Hat-Trick As Dortmund Cruise Into Quarter-Finals (Photos & Video)

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While Barcelona were making history at the Nou Camp,Borussia Dortmund were cruising into the quarter-finals courtesy of a 4-0 hammering of Benfica at theWestfalenstadion, withPierre-Emerick Aubameyang netting a hat-trick.

Dortmund were 1-0 down from the first leg but the German giants got themselves level in the tie after just four minutes, withAubameyang heading home at the far post.

‘We’re Four Goals Ahead, I Think We’ll Make It’ – PSG Quartet Verratti, Draxler, Meunier & Matuidi Discuss Barcelona Second Leg Over Supper (Video)

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In which we listen in on a quartet of PSG players Marco Verratti, Blaise Matuidi, Thomas Meurier and Julian Draxler discussing the prospect of playing Barcelona over a pizza supper, shortly after beating the Catalans 4-0 in the first leg of their Champions League last-16 tie.

The conversation, though while mostly politeand respectful,is in French so you may wantto turn on the subtitles to catch some of the following fateful remarks:

We're gonna have to hold firm.

‘I Left Some Ligaments On The Pitch’ – Luis Enrique Admits He Injured Himself During Wild Celebrations At Camp Nou

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Photo: @Squawka/Twitter (via Getty Images)

Luis Enrique admitted that he did himself a bit of a mischief while celebrating Barcelona's incredible comeback victory over PSG in the Champions League last night.

With Sergi Roberto scoring the winner in the 95th minute, the final whistle sparked a deafening cacophony of celebrations at the Camp Nou, with Enrique hurtling out of his technical area to hug absolutely everybody in sight.

‘Lived It, Loved It, Farewell Beautiful Game’ – Xabi Alonso Confirms He’s Retiring From Football At End Of Season

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It was hardly a staunchly guarded secret, but Xabi Alonso has today confirmed that he will be retiring from football at the end of the season.

The Bayern Munich veteran, now 35, made his big announcement with a short, succinct and suitably chic statement via his official Twitter account...

Lived it.

Finnish Commentator Tuomas Virkkunen Goes Into Howling Meltdown During Final Seconds Of Barcelona-PSG (Video)

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Given the nerve-shredding nature of Barcelona's back-from-the-dead win over PSG last night, it was perhaps only natural that some folks got a little carried away withtheir celebrations.

Finnish television commentatorTuomas Virkkunen was one such chap, with the poor over-excited sod descending into an unintelligible stream of howls, whelps and bleats as Sergi Roberto prodded home his 95th-minute winner.

‘The Pain Was Unbearable’ – Heartbreaking Tale Of Dutch Fan Who Left Camp Nou In 83rd Minute To Avoid The Crowds

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While the 90,000-odd people still inside the Camp Nou were erupting during the final few minutes of Barcelona'sepic win over PSG last night, one poor schmuck was stood outside wondering what all the fuss was about.

That man wasCris Rolandus, who travelled to the match from his home in Rotterdam only to leave the stadium in the 83rd minute to avoid the crowds.

Champions League: Barcelona Conjure Up Ludicrous Second-Leg Comeback To Knock PSG Out (Photos & Video)

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Sergi Roberto scored with what was effectively proved to be the final kick of the game to secure a truly ludicrous for Barcelona in their last-16 second leg against PSG.

Chasing down a 4-0 swingfrom the first leg in Paris, Barcaset about gobbling up the deficit from the off Luis Suarez pulling back the first goal of the night with just three minutes on the clock.

Ali Dia 2.0: York City Release ‘Cousin’ Of Southampton’s Cuco Martina After Watching Him Play 81 Minutes Of Football

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Photo: @ADSportwereld/Twitter

York City have released defender Derwin Martina, just four short days after arriving at the club.

York agreed a deal to bring in the 22-year-old until the end of the season, believing him to be the brother of Southampton full-back Cuco Martina.

Indeed, the National League even announced as much when they broke the news on their official club website.

Bournemouth: Tyrone Mings Given Five-Match Ban For Stamping On Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Who Receives Three-Match Ban For Elbowing Him In Retaliation

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Tyrone Mings has been handed a five-match ban by the FA for tussling with Zlatan Ibrahimovic during the 1-1 draw between Manchester United and Bournemouth on Saturday.

The pair were both charged with violent conduct after Mings raked his studs acrossIbrahimovic's head before taking an elbow to the cheekbonefrom the Swede by way of recompense.

‘What Time Is It? Yep It’s Ten To!’ – Bayern Munich Troll Arsenal On Twitter After Emirates Thrashing

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After Bayern Munich's 5-1 thrashing of Arsenal at the Emirates on Tuesday night, the club's social media team were at it again, trolling Arsenal with yet another cheeky Tweet.

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Arturo Vidal's second of the game made it 5-1 to Bayern on the night and a whopping 10-2 on aggregate.

Champions League: Captain Fantástico Sergio Ramos Inspires Real Madrid To Victory Against Napoli (Video)

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Real Madrid progressed to their seventh successive Champions League quarter-final after coming from a goal downto beat Napoli 3-1 in Italy.

The La Liga giants came into the game already 3-1 up from the first leg but had captain Sergio Ramos to thank for yet another inspirational attacking display.

Arsene Wenger Insists Arsenal Are In ‘Great Shape’ Despite 10-2 Bayern Munich Humbling

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Arsene Wenger has insisted that Arsenal are in "great shape" despite getting themselves eviscerated by Bayern Munich in the last 16 of the Champions League... again.

Bayern inflicted a merciless 5-1 defeat upon Arsenal for the second successive game to send them plummeting out in the second round for the seventh year straight.

Arsenal Fan TV: Regular Contributor Troopz Left Utterly Broken And Unable To Go On After Bayern Munich Defeat (Video)

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As was foretold in the prophecy,Arsenal somehow managed to go double and quits against Bayern Munich last night, slumping to a 10-2 aggregate defeat.

In the bloody aftermath of the Emirates hecatomb, football fans of all allegiancesshared their thoughts and feelings, each processing the bewildering result as best they could.

Back From The Brink: Chapecoense Win First Ever Copa Libertadores Match, Three Months After Tragic Plane Crash (Photos & Video)

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Just three months on from the tragic plane crash that claimed the lives of the majority of their squad and staff, Chapecoense roared to victory in their first ever Copa Libertadores fixture last night.

With two of the six crash survivors defender Neto and winger Alan Ruschel named in the match-day squad, Chape beat Venezuelan side Zulia to fling themselves to the top of Group 7.

The Black-And-White Years: 20 Cracking Vintage Photos Of Women’s Football

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In honour of it being International Women's Day, Pies have delved into the archive to bring you some fascinating photos of ladies' football in its infancy.

Let's dive in, shall we...

The British Ladies Football Club play their first ever match, 1895

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A shot is attempted during the Theatrical Ladies football match at White Hart Lane, 1912

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Girls from the Oxford Revue prepare for a charity football match, 1914.

Champions League: Arsenal Lose 10-2 On Aggregate To Bayern Munich After Yet Another Trademark Capitulation (Video)

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It wasn't be another night of glorious failure for Arsenal on Tuesday, as this time the Gunners were hammered 5-1 again by Bayern Munich to complete an incredible and embarrassing 10-2 aggregate battering of Arsene Wenger's sorry side.

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Going into the game 5-1 behind from the first-leg, this fixture was all about giving the fans something to cheer about after a dreadful few weeks for the club.

Champions League Snapshot: Miffed Arsenal Fans Stage Anti-Wenger Protest Outside Stadium (Photos)

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Miffed Arsenal fans continued to voice their discontent by staging a limited protest outside the Emirates ahead of tonight's Champions League last-16 second legger against Bayern Munich.

Banners were on show with slogans such as "No new contract," "Au revoir Arsene" and other such malcontented tosh.

Palermo’s New Club President Casually Shows Off Nipple Tattoo In First Press Conference (Photos)

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Photo: @palermocalcioit/Twitter

Palermo parted company with notoriously fidgety club president Maurizio Zamparini last month, thus bringing to an end 15 years of utterly manic managerial chopping and changing.

With a vancancy to fill right at the top, the Rosanero are now hoping to usher in a new era of serenity by appointing a younger, more level-headedreplacement.

Classic Moments: Roy Makaay Takes 10 Seconds To Score Fastest Goal In Champions League History (Video)

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Worrying as it may be, it's now a decade to the day that Roy Makaay came rampaging out of the traps to score what is still the fastest goal in Champions League and European Cup history.

The craggy Dutchstriker dawdledfor a whole10.12 seconds before slidingBayern Munich ahead against Real Madrid at the Allianz Arena on 7th March, 2007.

Chelsea Go 10 Points Clear After Deserved Derby Win Against West Ham (Video)

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Chelsea moved 10 points clear at the top of the Premier League table on Monday night, courtesy of a deserved 2-1 win away to West Ham.

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The Blues took the lead on 25 minutes via a superb counter-attack. The excellent N'Golo Kanté intercepted a pass from Robert Snodgrass in the Chelsea half before Hazard drove at the Hammers' backline.

Workhorse: Claudio Ranieri’s Premonition Comes True As N’Golo Kante Gets On The End Of His Own Pass (Video)

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If there's one thing N'Golo Kante does more of than anybody else in the Premier League, it's cover ground.

Indeed, the Chelsea midfielder makes it his sole business to relentlessly swallow up space, hassle and harangue, chase around and close down.

So high was his work rate at Leicester City last season, that manager Claudio Ranieri was moved to make the following prediction:

[Kante]never stops running in training.

Fit For A King: Legendary Japanese Veteran Kazuyoshi Miura Breaks Sir Stanley Matthews Record To Become Oldest Professional Footballer

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Japanese veteran Kazuyoshi Miura passed yet another milestone over the weekend when he became the oldest player to feature in a professional, FIFA-recognised match.

Theweek after his birthday, 'King Kazu' took to the pitch aged 50 years and 7 days on Sunday, playing 54 minutes of Yokohama FC's J2 League tie againstV-Varen Nagasaki and edging past the record held by Sir Stanley Matthews since 1965.

Everton: Romelu Lukaku Has ‘Agreed Terms’ Of Mammoth New Five-Year Contract, Deal Now Imminent

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It's being claimed that Romelu Lukaku has agreed terms on a mammoth new contract at Everton and will sign it later this week.

Talks have been churning away for weeks over a new deal, with the Belgian striker's agent Mino Raiola recently confirming that an announcement was "very close".

According to TalkSPORT, who have been in contact with Raiola, the finer details have now all been agreed on an improved five-year contract and both camps are just waiting for the chairman to get his cheque-signing biro out.

Brickstand: 18 Fabulous Football Stadiums Recreated Entirely In Lego (Photos)

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A couple of years ago, a couple of intrepid chaps decided to make it their mission to recreate all 92 English and Scottish league football grounds using nothing but Lego.

As such, Brickstand was born.

Skip forward to present day and the fellows have now knocked out a cavalcadeof different stadiums old and new, and all of them are utterly fabulous!

Bayern Munich: Mats Hummels Chucks Hot Coffee All Over Himself, Thomas Muller Full Of Sympathy (Video)

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Obviously rattled at the prospect of facing the wounded bear that isArsenal in the Champions League tomorrow night, Mats Hummels visibly crumbled as he made his way aboard the Bayern Munich team bus.

As the Bayern entourage loaded up for their trip to London, Hummels got his journey off to a flyer by chucking hot coffee all over his shiny black suit.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic And Tyrone Mings Both Charged With ‘Violent Conduct’ After Repeatedly Clouting Each Other At Old Trafford

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The FA have levelled violent conduct charges at both Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Tyrone Mings after their pair spent Saturday afternoon knocking lumps out of each other.

Ibrahimovic and Mings tangled on several occasions during the 1-1 draw between Manchester United and Bournemouth at Old Trafford, with faces being scrawkedand elbows being chucked about with gay abandon.

Plucky: Brazilian Striker Smacks One In Directly From Kick-Off In Lower League Match (Video)

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If there's a quicker path to goal than the fabled 'Route One', then Comercial's striker successfully locatedit down in the third tier of the Sao Paulocampeonato on Saturday.

Comercial beat Catanduvense 4-1 on their own turf, with one of the goals coming straight and we mean straight from kick-off.

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez Posts Defiant Statement Of Intent About ‘True Warriors’ On Instagram

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With his Arsenalfuture supposedly hanging in the balance, Alexis Sanchez has taken to Instagram to post a defiant statement of intent.

Having dropped Sanchez for Saturday's game against Liverpool for squabbling with his teammates in training, Arsene Wenger has almost said that he's "undecided" whether the Chilean will be featuring from the off against Bayern Munich on Tuesday evening.

Chelsea Given Green Light To Crack On With Building Swanky New 60,000 Seater Stadium (Photo)

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Image: Herzog & de Meuron

Chelsea have been given the green light to crack on with building themselves theirshiny new£500million stadium.

Having already had their plans to demolish Stamford Bridge approved byHammersmith and Fulham Council, the Blues have now been given the go-ahead to replace it with a new 60,000-seater ground on the same land.

Crystal Palace: Liverpool Loanee Mamadou Sakho Slide Tackles Referee In Clash With West Brom (Video)

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Mamadou Sakho has had an instant impact since joining Crystal Palace on loan from Liverpool in January, helping the Eagles to two wins and two clean sheets.

The second of those victories came on Saturday against West Brom, with the French defender's eagerness to win the ball even seeing him slide-tackle the referee.

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez Dropped For Liverpool Match After ‘Storming Out Of Training’ Midweek

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Not that it took a wild leap of imagination to guess, but it has emerged Alexis Sanchez was dropped from Arsenal's starting line-up for their match against Liverpool as punishment for storming out of a training session in midweek.

According toDavid Hytner in the Guardian, Wenger decided to start with Sanchez on the bench after the Chilean instigated a "dressing-room slanging match" with some of his teammates.

Barcelona Brewery Launch New Beer Inspired By Ronald Koeman’s Golden Hair (Photo)

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Light, pale, frothy and almost entirely eyebrowless, Ronald Koeman is soon to have a beer named in his honour.

Indeed, a Catalanartisan brewery have created the "Golden Koeman" lager with which to toast the 25th anniversary of Barcelona's 1992 European Cup Final triumph, in which the Dutch defender scored the only goal of the game a thumping freekick in extra time.

BT Sport Spluff £1.2bn To Secure Exclusive Champions League Rights Through To 2021

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BT Sport have gone out and spluffed £1.2billion to extend their deal to broadcastthe Champions League until 2021 which is likely to come as great news for the literally tens of people who still pay to watch the Champions League via legal means.

BT have been screeningthe tournament (as well as the Europa League) since 2015 after first securing the rights from UEFA two years earlierwith a whopping£897million outlay.

Hull City Praise Sam Clucas After Midfielder Achieves Remarkable Goal-Scoring Feat Against Leicester City

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Hull City have heraldedSam Clucas after the violently orange midfielder achieved a notable goal-scoring feat over the weekend.

Clucas swept home the Tigers' only goal in their 3-1 away defeat against Leicester City, and in doing so scored the very first Premier League goal of his career.

However, the real accolade is that the 26-year-old has now scored a goal in five different divisions in five consecutive seasons, each a tierhigher than the last.

Russian Politician Suggests Plans To Legalise Hooliganism And Turn It Into Organised Sport Ahead Of 2018 World Cup

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As you may recall, the recent European Championships in France were plagued by outbreaks of hooliganism, not least in Marseille where hordes of Russian yobs staged organisedattacks on groups of England fans.

However, as the rest of the world poured scorn on the perpetrators, one man spoke out in support of the hooligans: that man wasRussian politician Igor Lebedev.

Tottenham: Harry Kane Nets Slick Brace v Everton As Lilywhites Keep Pressure On Leaders Chelsea (Video)

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Tottenham moved to within seven points of league leaders Chelsea on Sunday, courtesy of a deserved 3-2 win against Everton at White Hart Lane, with two-goal Harry Kane the star of the show.

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The in-form Kane opened the scoring on 20th minutes, courtesy of a superb long-range strike which arrowed past Joel Robles in the Toffees' goal.

La Liga: Lionel Messi Scores Two Trademark Stunners As Barcelona Batter Celta Vigo 5-0 (Video)

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Lionel Messi was at his very best at the Nou Camp on Saturday, with the Argentinian impnetting two classic goals in his side's 5-0 demolition of Celta Vigo.

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Messi opened the scoring on 24 minutes, courtesy of a magnificent solo effort.

Picking up the ball near the centre circle, Messi turned one defender before racing towards goal.

Liverpool Go Third After Cruising To Victory Against Predictably Flaccid Arsenal (Photos & Video)

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Liverpool jumped into the Premier League top three on Saturday after a convincing 3-1 win against Arsenal an Anfield

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Arsene Wenger made the rather large call of leaving star man Alexis Sanchez on the bench, with Oliver Giroud starting up front, flanked by Danny Welbeck and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.

Save Of The Season? Ex-Liverpool ‘Keeper Pepe Reina Pulls Off Wonder-Save As Napoli Beat Roma 2-1 (Video)

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Napoli moved to within nine points of Serie A leaders Juventus on Saturday, courtesy of an impressive 2-1 win away to Roma.

While Dries Mertens was the hero for Napolicourtesy of a match-winning brace, ex-Liverpool 'keeper Pepe Reina was also key to the win for the visitors, courtesy of one utterly world-class save.

Shit Football Kits: Brighton & Hove Albion Pair Stripy Shirt With Matching Stripy Shorts, 1991-93 (Photo)

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By and large, Brighton & Hove Albion have been playing in blue and white stripes for well over 100 years some 113 years to be exact.

In that time, only once did theSeagulls venture to extend their famous two-tone livery south of the waistband, and now we know why.

During the giddy halcyon days of the early 1990s, Brighton bashed out a home strip that coupled a stripy shirt with matchingstripy shorts.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic And Tyrone Mings Knock Lumps Out Of Each Other As Man Utd Draw Against Bournemouth (Photos & Video)

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Manchester United extended their Premier League unbeaten run to 17 games but could only muster a 1-1 draw with Bournemouth in Saturday's early kick-off.

However, the real story of the match was the tit-for-tat slap-fest between Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Tyrone Mings which comprised ofseveral nasty little flare-ups.

Arrest Warrant Issued For Robert Snodgrass After West Ham Midfielder Misses Court Appearance

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Robert Snodgrass is the subject of an arrest warrant after the West Ham United midfielder failed to turn up for his trial relating to a driving infringement.

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The 29-year-old Snodgrass was charged with driving a car while a baby was being held by another passenger, with the incident taking place in Glasgow in April.

Bundesliga: Augsburg’s Kostas Stafylidis Scores 30-Yard Thundercracker Against Leipzig (Video)

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Friday evening saw RB Leipzig travel to Augsburg, with the Bundesliga high-flyers hoping to close the gap on leaders Bayern Munich.

However, it was the hosts who opened the scoring, courtesy of a stunning long-range strike from Greek full-back Kostas Stafylidis.

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The goal came on 19 minutes, with Stafylidis jinking past one opponent before rifling home a stunning effort from all of 30 yards.

‘It’s The Only Logical Step’ – VfB Stuttgart Terminate Kevin Grosskreutz’s Contract Three Days After Nightclub Scuffle

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VfB Stuttgart have terminated the contract of Kevin Grosskreutz after the midfielder got himself beaten up on a recent night out in the German city.

Grosskreutz and a small group offriends, reportedly members of the Stuttgart youth team, were mauled by a gang of teenagers after leaving thePerkins Park nightclub at around 2:15am on Monday night/Tuesday morning.

Liga MX: Santos Laguna Fans Shower Former Goalkeeper Agustin Marchesin With Fake Money (Video)

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Having previously sworethat he loved Santos Laguna and would never wear the colours of rivalsClub America, goalkeeper Agustin Marchesin left Santos Laguna in December to join... you guessed it... Club America.

Rather optimistically, Marchesin went on recordas saying he hoped fora warm reception when he returned to Santos Laguna with America for Thursday's Copa MX fixture between the two sides.

Stoke City: Peter Crouch Sees 100th Premier League Goal Immortalised In ‘Extra Tall’ Mug Form (Video)

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As is fitting, Peter Crouch has seen his recent induction into the Premier League 100 Club immortalised in ceramic form.

The veteran Stoke City beanpolebrought up his top flight century against Everton last month and celebrated by dusting off The Robot.

Now, thanks to local pottery firm Foley China, Crouch also has an extra tall, nine-inch mug to markthe milestone with.

Arsenal: 14,000 Chileans Signed Up On Facebook But Only FIVE Fans Attend ‘Free Alexis Sanchez’ March

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Turns out the clamour in Chile for Alexis Sanchez to leave Arsenal isn't quite as fervent as first thought.

Of the thousands of irked fans who signed up on Facebook to march through the capital city of Santiago in protest of Sanchez's perceived career stagnation at the Emirates, a mere fraction turned up.

Aston Villa: Leandro Bacuna Given Six-Match Ban For Aggressively Nuzzling Linesman (Video)

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Aston Villa will have to do without the services of Leandro Bacuna for the next six matches after the midfielder received a hefty ban for assaulting a linesman.

The incident occurred in the final few secondsof Villa's game against Derby last Saturday, when the Dutchman gave the official an aggressive nuzzling over a disputed thrown-in.

Atletico Madrid: Fernando Torres Fine, Well And Discharged From Hospital After Suffering Nasty Head Injury (Video)

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We'll start with the good news. Fernando Torres has been discharged from hospital this morning after suffering a hefty head injury during Atletico Madrid's 1-1 draw against Deportivo la Coruna last night.

Torres was left motionless on the turf after colliding with Alex Bergantinos and plummeting face-first into the ground.

RIP Raymond Kopa: 20 Magnifique Photos Of The France And Real Madrid Legend In His Prime

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European football has lost two legendary figures in the space of two days.

Following the sad news that Celtic stalwart Tommy Gemmell, a key member of theLisbon Lions, died yesterday, itwas announced earlier today that the great Raymond Kopa has passed away at the age of 85.

Kopa is a footballing monument in France, having been the first Frenchman to win the Ballon d'Or and the first Frenchman to lift the European Cup, a feat he repeated three times during the three seasonshe spent as part of Real Madrid's celestialmid-to-late 1950s side Di Stefano, Puskas, Gento, etc.

Celtic: Moussa Dembele Capitalises On Almighty Goalkeeping Howler To Score 12 Seconds After Kick-Off (Video)

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Moussa Dembele helped himself to his 30th and 31st goals of the campaign as Celtic cantered to a 22nd-straight Scottish Premiership victory with a 4-0 spanking of Inverness Caledonian Thistle on Wednesday evening.

Having gone in 1-0 up at the break, the Bhoys had to wait until 12 seconds into the second half to double their lead.

Sunday League Special: Lucas Moura Denied By Muddy Goalmouth As PSG Just About Overcome Niort In French Cup (Video)

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PSG's second string recorded a fairly straightforward 2-0 win over Ligue 2 outfit Niort in last night's quarter-final of the Coupe de France.

Ittook a late goal apiece from second-half substitutes Javier Pastore and Edinson Cavani to shore up the result on a damp old night at theStade René Gaillard.

Woe Is Klopp: Even The Greater Manchester Police Force Are Mocking Liverpool On Twitter

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Having registered just one Premier League win since the turn of the year, it's safe to say that morale has dipped at Liverpool of late.

Looking a tadknackered after a rollicking opening half of the campaign, Jurgen Klopp's beleaguered side have now lost five of their last seven fixtures in all competitions.

Heart-Breaking Scenes As ‘Gladbach Captain Lars Stindl Snubs Handshake With Young Mascot (Video)

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Thousands of hearts were shattered in the lead-up to last night's DFB Pokal game between Borussia Monchengladbach and Hamburg when a young mascot was left hanging for all to see.

Gladbach captain Lars Stindl was the guilty party, shaking hands with the match officials before cruelly snubbing the extendedarm of one of the young player escorts stood between them.

‘You Think Two Beautiful Passes Are Enough?’ – Mesut Ozil Reveals Jose Mourinho Branded Him A ‘Coward’ During Real Madrid Stint

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Writing in his new biography, Mesut Ozil has revealed that he almost had it outwith Jose Mourinho during their time together at Real Madrid after being called a "coward" by his coach.

Released in Germany on 16th March, Ozil's tome is now being serialised by BILD which many Arsenal fans might see as slightly untimely, given the continued uncertainty over the author's immediate future.

Sweden Women’s National Team To Play With Inspirational Quotes On Shirts Instead Of Their Names (Photos)

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The Sweden women's national team have decided to drop their names in favour of plastering inspirational messages across their shoulders.

The shirts are being produced for the upcoming Algarve Cup, with each player selecting their own quote of choice from fellowprominent Swedish women.

Team captain Lotta Schelin has opted for a quote pinched from the Twitter feed of politician Gudrun Schyman that reads, "Never look down on someone unless it is to help her up".

Man Utd: Star-Studded Michael Carrick Testimonial To Feature Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard And Michael Owen

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Michael Carrick is to be given a testimonial by Manchester United to reward him for his 11 years with the club.

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The game, which will be played at Old Trafford, willfeature aManchester United 2008 XI which will feature the likes ofEdwin van der Sar, Gary Neville, Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs.

Unhappy St. David’s Day: Welsh Wizard Gareth Bale Sent Off For Real Madrid (Video)

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Real Madrid dropped to second in the La Liga table after Zinedine Zidane's side could only draw 3-3 at home to Las Palmas.

A major factor in the draw at the Bernabeu was the second half sending off of Welsh superstar Gareth Bale, on St. David's Day of all days.

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With the score 1-1 after the first period, former Tottenham star Bale was initally shown yellow for a cynical kick from behind onJonathan Viera.

FA Cup: Man City Ease Into Quarter-Finals After 5-1 Huddersfield Hammering (Photos)

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Manchester City will face Middlesbrough in the last eight of the FA Cup after Pep Guardiola's side strolled to victory against Championship side Huddersfield on Wednesday night.

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Having drawn 0-0 away to Huddersfield in the original tie, the Citizens were looking to make the most of home advantage against the Championshipside.

Kevin Grosskreutz To Press Criminal Charges After Being Beaten Up By Gang Of Teenagers Outside Stuttgart Nightclub

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VfB Stuttgart utility man Kevin Grosskreutz has vowed to press charges after reportedly being beaten up during a ruckus outside anightclub earlier in the week,

The former Germany international wentout on the tiles in Stuttgart on Monday nightbut ended up in A&Eafter being assaultedand splittinghis head open on the floor.

‘I Was So Insecure’ – Robbie Savage Admits He Created Online Aliases To Praise Himself On Derby County Fan Forums

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Robbie Savage has admitted that back during his playing days, he created phoney online aliases which he used to shower himself with praise on fan forums.

Speaking on BBC Radio 5 Live, the former Wales international revealed that, shortly after signing for Derby in 2008, he became so insecure about his performances that he created fake accountsand then infiltrated message boards to talk himself up.

‘I Just Liked His Surname’ – Belgian R&B Artiste Name-Checks Chelsea ‘Keeper Thibaut Courtois On Latest Track (Video)

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In what surely must be a first, Thibaut Courtois has hada new R&B track named after him.

However, according to Belgian pop star Shay, the artiste responsible, the link to the Chelsea goalkeeper doesn't really go beyond the title.

Indeed, she only picked Courtois because she heard his name mentioned in conversation and liked the way it sounded.

Newcastle Seize Back Control Of Championship Title Race With Flukiest Goal Of The Season So Far (Video)

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Mohamed Diame's face says it all.

Newcastle wrested back control of the Championship title race with a 2-1 victory over Brighton at the AMEX on Tuesday night a result that saw the two sides swap places at the summit of the table once again.

Having trailed to a Glenn Murray penalty for the majority of the match, the Toon scored twice late onto snaffle the victory and reclaim the top spot from their defeated hosts.

Dortmund Team Bus Rescued By Farmer After Running Aground In Field En Route To Cup Match (Photos)

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Photo: @EvertzLudwig/Twitter

With a quarter-final against giant-killers Sportfreunde Lotte in the offing, Borussia Dortmund's DFB Pokal entourage clambered aboard their bus and set out north on Tuesday morning.

However, just four hours before kick-off, the bus ran aground in a farmer's field while attempting to turn into a narrow country lane.

Shit Football Ink: Serbian Defender Uros Vitas Has Wife’s Facial Features Tattooed On His Torso (Photo)

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With hisheart chock full of love, KV Mechelen defender Uros Vitas decided the only suitableway to cherish his wife Andrijana would be to have her face indelibly needled onto his midriffforevermore.

As such, the 24-year-old Serbian centre-half schlepped down to his local parlour andhad them tattoo Andrijana's bright orange visage about his person.

Non-League: Consett ‘Keeper Peter Jeffries Pulls Off Brilliant, Mind-Boggling Reaction Save Against South Shields (Video)

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Tuesday night saw South Shields beat Consett on their own turf down in Division One of the EBAC Northern League.

Consett found themselves on the wrong end of a 3-1 stuffing, butthe defeatwould've been even heavierwere it not for the heroic efforts of their goalkeeper, Peter Jeffries, who pulled off a mind-bogglingly brilliant reactionsave to keep the score respectable.