Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2016

Arsenal: New Signing Shkodran Mustafi Troll Fan Who Refused To Believe The German Would Sign For Gunners (Video)

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Fresh from finally signing on the dotted line for line for Arsenal, Shkodran Mustafi has rather amusingly called out an Arsenal fan who refused to accept that the German World Cup winner would join the Gunners.

One of an army of rather over-emotional Arsenal Tweeters,@Danielfloyd1981 Tweeted that he'd give everyone who RT'ed the below Tweet £20 if Mustafi actually did move to the Emirates.

Official: Arsenal Follow Up Lucas Perez Swoop With £35m Deal For Shkodran Mustafi (Photos)

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Shkodran Mustafi has finally put pen to paper to join Arsenal after weeks of negotiations, with the German centre-half moving to the Gunners for a sizeable £35million on a long-term deal.

The 24-year-old World Cup winner started his senior career at Everton but failed to make the grade at Goodison Park.

Torino: First Images Emerge Of Joe Hart Holding His New Jersey Aloft (Photo & Video)

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Well-dressed and dandruff free (Photo:@SquawkaNews/Twitter, via Gazzetta)

An official announcement is yet to be made, but it would appear that Joe Hart's slightly off-kilter move to Torino is now all but finalised.

Having escaped Pep Guardiola's evil tyranny at Man City, Hart was filmed and photographed showing off his new club colours on a balcony in Turin, dangling his brand new jersey over the railings for all to see.

Official: Lucas Perez Completes £17m Arsenal Move, Already Has One Shirt Too Many (Photo)

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Two shirts? Big bloody show-off! (Photo: Arsenal FC)

By 'eck, it's all go this afternoon.

After a quiet bank holiday, Arsenal have become the latest Premier League signing to bring in a new face by completing the signing of Lucas Perez from Deportivo la Coruna on a four-year deal.

Official: Loic Remy Joins Crystal Palace On Season-Long Loan (Photo)

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Photo: @CPFC/Twitter

Crystal Palace have secured the signing of Chelsea striker Loic Remy, which ain't half bad really.

The 29-year-old French striker, who played under Alan Pardew at Newcastle not so very long ago, has moved to Selhurst Park on a season-long loan move...

BREAKING: #CPFC are delighted to confirm Loïc Rémy has joined on a season-long loan from @ChelseaFC.

England: Wayne Rooney Promises To Retire From International Football After 2018 World Cup

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Wayne Rooney has promised usthat he will retire from international football after the culmination of England's participation in the 2018 World Cup.

Well, not 'promised' exactly, but he did reveal that he's given it some serious thought, telling the assembled mediahe feels the end of the 2018 group stage will probably be the right time to bow out.

14 Footballers Who Seem To Have Spent Their Entire Careers Out On Loan

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On the day that Patrick Bamfordbecame the 25th player to be loaned out by Chelsea so far this summer, Pies hought we'd examine some of the professionals out there who seem to have spent their entire careers in a state of loaned-out flux.

As it happens, the Blues have a lot to answer for.

Official: Burnley Sign Serial Loanee Patrick Bamford On Season Loan From Chelsea

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Coming as no surprise to anybody, Patrick Bamford has begun the season by leaving Chelsea on loan, this time to Burnley.

The 22-year-old striker has today rubber-stamped aseason-long transfer to Turf Moor, with the Clarets promptly breaking the news on Twitter...

BREAKING: Clarets sign @ChelseaFC striker Patrick Bamford on a season-long loan.

Out Of The Blue: So… It Very Much Looks Like Joe Hart Is Signing For Torino

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So, it looks likeJoe Hart is to join Torino on a season-long loan. Hands up who saw that one coming? Not many, we should co-co.

The latest word is that the FA have granted Hart special permission to leave the England camp in order to undergo a medical at the side that finished 12th in Serie A last season.

Shkodran Mustafi Reveals The Prospect Of Signing For Arsenal Makes Him ‘Horny’

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With a £35million move to Arsenal very much in the offing, these are feverishly exciting times for Shkodran Mustafi.

While the granite-hewncentre-half is still technically a Valencia player, it's being reported that the 24-year-old passed a medical last week and is now merely sat waiting for the Gunners to make his transfer official.

Chelsea: Cesc Fabregas Refutes Claims Of Antonio Conte Bust-Up, Pledges 100% Commitment To The Cause

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Cesc Fabregas has taken to Facebook to addresshis current standing at Chelsea amid reports of afalling-out with new manager Antonio Conte.

The Spanish midfielder has played just 12 minutes of Premier League football so far this season and found himself an unused substitute in Saturday's win over Burnley, with several papers positing that Conte had informed the 29-year-old he was free to find a new club.

Emmanuel Frimpong Is Actually Playing With ‘Dench’ On The Back Of His Shirt (Photo)

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Having made the time-honoured career jaunt from Barnsley to FC Ufa, finally Emmanuel Frimpong is back playing for Arsenal specifically, FC Arsenal Tula of the Russian Premier League.

The zany Ghanaian midfielder signed for FC Arsenal at the start of August and has already wasted little time making his mark at the club.

Official: Joleon Lescott Signs For AEK Athens On Two-Year Deal (Photo)

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Photo: AEK_FC_OFFICIAL/Twitter

One in the eye for those who say English players have an innate fear of testing themselves in foreign leagues, Joleon Lescott has gone and signed for Greek side AEK Athens.

Proving himself to be a vital component of Aston Villa's relegated vintage of 2015/16, Lescott has jumped ship to sign a two-year deal at AEK.

Shit Lookalikes: Angel Di Maria & Frik The Gnome (From ‘Merlin’)

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Top notch work from Pies fan Will Jonathan, who noticed that a certain Angel di Maria bears anuncanny resemblance to Frik the gnome, as played by Martin Short in the star-studded yet entirely forgettable 1998 fantasy romp 'Merlin'...

Good old Di Maria. The pointy-faced gift that keeps on giving.

Fun Fact: Arsenal Target Lucas Perez’s Father Owns An Octopus Stall On Camden Market (Video)

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That man there is Lucas Perez, who is apparently all but set to become the second part of Arsenal's £50million Double Swoop™ once Shkrodan Mustafi hurries up and completes his £35million transfer from Valencia.

Perez currently plies his trade up front for Deportivo la Coruna, for whom he scored 19 goals in all competitions last season, though he is now said to be within days of making a £17millionjump to north London.

Reports: Celtic And Rangers Considered For Inclusion In New ‘Fifth Tier’ Of English Football League

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Yep. We know what you're thinking. This tired old chestnutagain.

Celtic and Rangers are being considered for inclusion in a new fifth tier of the England Football League, that's according to word in the Telegraph.

It's reported that Shaun Harvey,the EFLchief executive, will allow members to vote on the Old Firm clubs joining a new "fifth division" that is planned for the start of the 2019/20 season.

Official: Southampton Break Club Transfer Record To Bring In Sofiane Boufal From Lille (Photo)

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Photo: @SouthamptonFC/Twitter

Southampton have broken their transfer fee record and shelled out £16million to bring in Sofiane Boufal from Lille.

The nimble, fleet-footed left winger, 22, has signed a five-year deal at St. Mary's after scoring a nifty 12 goals in 34 appearances for the French side last term.

Fair Play: Barcelona U-13s Console Devastated Opponents After Beating Them In Challenge Cup Final (Video)

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Barcelona's 'Infantil B' side (essentially their Under-13team) beat Omya 1-0 in the final of the World Challenge Cup in Tokyo over the weekend,a result that left many of the Japanese youngstersin floods ofinconsolable tears.

However, proving that slick passing and obsessive possession retention aren't the only thing they're teaching the kids at La Masia, the Barcelona lads took the time to console their vanquished opponents after the final whistle.

Reports: Arsenal Allow Jack Wilshere To Leave On Loan Before Transfer Window Closes

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Arsenal have made abig call to allow Jack Wilshere to leave the club on loan in pursuit of first-team football.

Wilshere has been limited to two substitute appearances for the Gunners this season after having his pre-season impinged by his troublesome ankles/knees/entire lower bodyfor the umpteenth time.

England: Sam Allardyce Names First Squad As Michail Antonio Earns Surprise Call-Up And Theo Walcott Returns

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Michail Antonio has been rewarded for carrying on his decent club form into the new season with a surprise call-up to Sam Allardyce's first squad as England manager ahead of the upcoming 2018 World Cup qualifier against Slovakia.

The West Ham winger, who has been filling in as an auxiliary right-back of late, hasreceived his first ever international nod,with Theo Walcott also getting a recall.

Flipping Heck: Columbine High School Striker Scores By Somersaulting Right Over Opposing Goalkeeper (Video)

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As far as the goal of the weekend is concerned, we reckon you can probably go ahead and suspend the betting.

Faced with a straight foot race against an on-rushing goalkeeper, this innovative young striker decided that the only way to evade the obstacle would be to temporarily circumvent the universal law of gravity and take the aerial route.

Southampton: Jay Rodriguez Emerges From Bench To Score First Premier League Goal In Two And A Half Years (Video)

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There was pure elation at the Stadium of Light today when Jay Rodriguez came off the Southampton bench to score his first Premier League goal since before the ruptured cruciate ligament he succumbed to at the tail end of the 2013/14 season.

Rodriguez's 85th-minute goal was enough to rescue a point for the Saints,who had fallen behind just five minutes earlier when Jermain Defoe spankedSunderland in front from the penalty spot.

Bayern Munich: Xabi Alonso Gets Season Off To Flyer With Rocket Volley Against Werder Bremen (Video)

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Bayern Munich got their Bundesliga season off to a suitably formidable start with a 6-0 evisceration of Werder Bremen.

It took the floodgates roughly eight minutes to open when Xabi Alonso scored the first goal of Carlo Ancelotti's tenure with a stonking half-volley from the edge of the area.

Ragnar Klavan Made Jurgen Klopp Send Him A Selfie To Prove Liverpool Really Wanted To Sign Him

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"Could it be... Is it really you?"

Ragnar Klavan has revealed that he felt the need to ask Jurgen Klopp to send him a selfie before he signed for Liverpool last month in order to prove that the club's interest in him was genuine.

After receiving a text from Klopp professing his interest in signing Klavan, the Estonian defender simply assumed that one of his friends was pulling his pudding by pretending to be the Reds boss.

Shipping Out: Hull City Owners Confirm Imminent Sale Of Club In Match Programme Notes (Photo)

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Hull City's largely unpopularowners have confirmed that they are in the final stages of packing up and shipping out of the KC Stadium having put the club up for sale over two years ago.

Writing in today's programme notes before Hull's game against Manchester United, Ehab Allam son of owner-chairman Assem Allam revealed that the family are close to selling the club, effectively using the opportunity to say his goodbyes.

Football Tat: West Ham’s ‘European Tour’ T-Shirts Look Rather Silly All Of A Sudden (Photo)

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West Ham went bumbling out of the Europa League last night after being ousted by Romanian side Astra Giurgiu at the final qualifying stage for the second year running.

In a bizarre Groundhog Day-type scenario, Astra who are fourth-bottom ofthe league, mired in financial woes, destitute, manager-less and have an owner currently serving jail time beat the Hammers 1-0 at the Olympic Stadium to take the tie 2-1 on aggregate.

Antoine Griezmann Widely Panned For Wearing Mad Outfit To UEFA Award Ceremony (Photo)

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All business from the waist up

If by some miracle you made it through the Champions League group stage draw without slipping into apsychosomatic coma, you'll know that Cristiano Ronaldo was awarded adismembered torso for being the 'UEFA Best Player In Europe'last year.

However, while it was Ronaldo that took the honours, most of the social media chatter was percolated by runner-up Antoine Griezmann and his.

Champions League: UEFA Confirm Top Four Leagues Will Have Four Guaranteed Places In Group Stages From 2018/19 Onwards

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UEFA have confirmed that, as rumoured, they are indeed implementing plans to guarantee four places in the Champions League group stages for each of Europe's top four domestic leagues.

While the tournament format will remain the same, as of the 2018/19 season, the top four leagues according to UEFA's ranking coefficient(currently England, Spain, Germany and Italy) will have four places automatically ring-fenced for them.

Belgium: Arsenal Icon Thierry Henry Appointed As Roberto Martinez’s Assistant

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It's been announced that Thierry Henry is to join the Belgium national team's coaching staff to work asRoberto Martinez's assistant.

In a similarly unforeseenappointment, ex-Everton manager Martinez was appointed as Belgium's new head coach earlier this month after answering an advert posted on the Belgian FA website.

All But Done: West Ham Agree £24m Deal To Sign Simone Zaza From Juventus

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Sign him up, sign him up, sign him up

Simeone Zaza is reportedly set to sign for West Ham this very afternoon after agreeing personal terms with the Premier League side.

According to the Guardian, the Hammers have struck a £24million deal with Juventus to take Zaza off their hands, with the striker now set to fly to Englandin order to undergo a medical.

Europa League Group Stage Draw: Man Utd, Southampton And Dundalk Learn Of Their Continental Fate

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Following hot (well, lukewarm-ish) on the heels of yesterday's Champions League group stage draw comes the knock-down budget Europa League version, as completed in Monaco just minutes ago.

Manchester United will have to contend with a rather tricky group consisting of Fenerbahce and Feyenoord, as well as Ukrainian first-timers Zorya Luhansk.

Official: Southampton Sign Specialist Non-Playing Goalkeeper Stuart Taylor On One-Year Deal (Photo)

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Photo: Matt Watson/Southampton FC

Once again reiterating the fact that the Premier League is the most illustrious and exciting league in the world, Southampton have pulled off the signing of Stuart Taylor on a one-year deal.

We're pleased to announce goalkeeper Stuart Taylor has signed a one-year contract with#SaintsFC.

Champions League Group Stage Draw: Debutants Leicester City Pitted Against Porto, Man City Inevitably Face Pep’s Old Team

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As you may be aware, Leicester City won the Premier League title last season.

As a direct result, they found themselves lumped into Pot 1 for the Champions League group stage draw alongside the likes of established heavyweights Barcelona, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Juventus and PSG.

After the obligatory and ever extending period of pre- and mid-draw UEFA guff, the balls wereplucked from the perspex pots of destiny and the Foxes' reward for storming the big boys' tableis a group consisting of themselves and Porto, Club Brugge and Copenhagen.

Official: Pep Gets His Man As Claudio Bravo Completes £17.1m Man City Move (Photo)

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The deed is done. Claudio Bravo is officially a Manchester City player after finalising his big move from Barcelona.

It's little surprise that Bravo's transfer, all £17.1million of it, has gone through mere hours after Barca were able to source a suitable replacement in the wiry form of Jasper Cillessen.

Official Champions League Twitter Account Accidentally Instructs All Group Stage Qualifiers To F**k Off (Photo)

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Having slogged through several rounds of preliminary play-offs, UEFA went and welcomed all 10 teams that made it through qualifying to reach the group stageby telling them to 'f**k off'.

In a Tweet posted on the official Champions League Twitter account, an emoji mix-up saw UEFA usher Man City, Celtic, Borussia Monchengladbach, Porto, Monaco, Ludogorets, Rostov, Copenhagen, Legia WarsawandDinamo Zagrebthrough to the next stage with a rather insulting assessment of their respective achievements.

Leicester City: Danny Drinkwater Celebrates New Contract With Tasteful Photo Shoot At King Power Stadium

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Realising he's on to a good thing, Danny Drinkwater has signed a whopping new contract at Leicester City that will keep him at the club until 2021.

The title-winning midfielder, 26, has agreed a five-year deal with the Foxes seeing him join the likes ofJamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez and Kasper Schmeichel in committing his long-term future to the club.

US Soccer Ban Goalkeeper Hope Solo For Six Months For Calling Opponents ‘Bunch Of Cowards’

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US Soccer have handed a six-month suspension to goalkeeper Hope Solo after she referred to opponents Sweden as "a bunch of cowards" after they knocked the United States out of the Olympics.

After holding on for a 1-1 draw, the Swedes eventually sent the US packing at the quarter-final stage by beating them 5-4 on penalties.

Official: Dutch International ‘Keeper Jasper Cillessen Completes €13m Dream Move To Barcelona (Photo)

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Jasper Cillessen has opened a brand spanking new Twitter account to announce that he's only gone and sealed his dream move to Barcelona.

The Dutch international goalkeeper has joined the Catalans on a five-year deal, with Ajax receiving a fee of around€13million (plus a further €2million in add-ons) for the pleasure.

Pilfering Wilf: Tottenham Submit £15m Offer For Crystal Palace Winger Zaha

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"That's right, Vince. Don't let him get away..."

Having already lost Yannick Bolasie this month, there's a chance that Crystal Palace may end August without Wilfried Zaha among their numbereither.

That's if the Daily Mail are correct in their assumption that Tottenham are preparingto make an offer for the nippy 23-year-old winger to the tune of £15million.

Robbie Keane, Republic Of Ireland’s All-Time Record Goalscorer, To Retire From International Duty

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Robbie Keane has announced that the Republic of Ireland's upcoming friendly against Oman in Dublin on the last day of August will be his final international appearance.

Having found his regular starting berth slip away under Martin O'Neill, Keane has decided to call it a dayand does so as the Republic's all-time goalscorer having notched an outstanding67 goals in 145 appearances.

Official: Watford Bring In Roving Wing-Back Daryl Janmaat From Newcastle In £7.5m Deal (Video)

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Watford have gone out and bagged themselves a brand new right-back in the delightfully tousled guise of one Daryl Janmaat.

The Dutch international, 27, has joined the Hornets from Newcastle in a £7.5million transfer and has signed a four-year contract at Vicarage Road.

He could not sound happier about the whole thing.

Champions League: Robbie Benson Scores Thumping Consolation Volley As Irish Side Dundalk Fall Just Short In Qualification Quest (Video)

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Alas, Dundalk fell just short in their quest to become the first ever Irish team to qualify for the Champions League proper after failing to overturn Legia Warsaw's aggregate lead in Tuesday evening's second leg encounter in Poland.

After losing the first leg of their play-off 2-0, Dundalk managed a perfectly respectable 1-1 draw at Legia's place the slim consolation being that they did score the goal of the night when Robbie Benson thumped in a magnificent early volley to open the scoring.

Thai Tims: Enthusiastic Schoolchildren Sing Loving Ode To Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers (Video)

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Rejoice fair people, for the Thai Tims are back and they're bringing with them a brand new terrace anthem for the world to enjoy.

For the uninitiated, The Tims are a choir made up of a classroom-full of Celtic-supporting Thai schoolchildren, who have already had several hits with their songs about Bhoys legends such as Joe Ledley, Kieran Tierney and, err.

Retro Football: EA Sports Write Letter To ‘Football Manager’ Designers To Reject Their ‘Unappealing’ Concept, 1991 (Photo)

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Football Manager: Alienator of spouses, eater of social lives

Back in the early 1990s, EA Sports were approached by the creatorsof the 'Football Manager' series and asked if they had any interest in developing the game they had designed in their bedroom.

Brothers Paul and Oliver Collyer were hoping to publishtheir simple football management simulator game called 'European Champions', but EA passed on the basis that there was no way on Earth they'd be able to successfully flog a sports game that featuredno "live action" .

Bastian Schweinsteiger Releases Mini-Statement To Declare He Has No Intention Of Leaving Man Utd For Another European Club

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Having been ostracised and told to train with the Under-23s by new manager Jose Mourinho, the writing hasvery much been scrawked intothe wall when it comes to Bastian Schweinsteiger's future at Manchester United.

Schweinsteiger made32 appearances under Louis van Gaal last season but is yet to make his competitive bow so far this, with the prospect of the German midfielder, who signed a three-year deal in 2015, making it back out onto the pitch in a United shirt looking ever more vague.

Ouch: Javier Hernandez To Miss Start Of Bundesliga Season With Fractured Wrist After Falling Down Stairs At Home

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Bayer Leverkusen have today been hit by the unfortunate news that they'll be forced to begin their 2016/17 Bundesliga campaign without their top goalscorer from last season amid the ranks after he did himself a bit of a wrong'n at home.

Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez, who scored 26 goals in 42 appearances for Leverkusen last season, fractured his wrist injury after going tumbling down the stairs at his apartment on Monday evening.

‘Have More Responsibility When You Mention My Name’ – Liverpool Stalwart Lucas Leiva Slaps Down Journalist Over Transfer Tittle-Tattle

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Liverpool stalwart Lucas Leiva has hit out at a journalist over a spurious piece of tittle-tattle which has appeared in the transfer gossip columns today.

For his sins, James Pearce of the Liverpool Echo mentioned Lucas in passingwhilereporting on a potential loan move away from Anfield for Mamadou Sakho.

Dye Hard With A Vengeance: Arsenal Midfielder Aaron Ramsey Shows Off Elaborate New Silver Hair Cut (Photo)

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As if to mirror the runner-up mentality imbued at the club, Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey has gone and died his hair so-so silver for the start of the new season.

Looking suspiciously boyband-ish, the Welshman debuted his elaborate new fade cut on Twitter last night by posting a photo of his daring new barnet along with the caption "Silver lining".

Bundesliga Gets First Family Coaching Team As Carlo Ancelotti Names His Son As New Bayern Munich Assistant

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Davide (left) and Carlo Ancelottitake stockfrom theBayern bench

The Bundesliga is set to witness its first ever father-son coaching duo this coming season after new Bayern Munich coach Carlo Ancelotti went and officially named his son as his assistant on Monday.

Davide, 27, had been on the Bayern staff since his old man's arrival, spending his first two months working as a fitness coach much as he did under Ancelotti Snr.

‘I Might Give Him A Ring’ – England Boss Sam Allardyce Admits He’s Not Entirely Against A John Terry Recall

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England manager Sam Allardyce has revealedthat hasn't entirely ruled out the prospect of calling John Terry back into the national team.

Terry called quitson his England career in 2012 after being unceremoniously stripped of the captaincy for the second time in two years.

With the 35-year-old Chelsea defender havingendureda persona non grata-style existence under Roy Hodgson, Allardyce hasadmittedthat he isn't against recalling Terry per se, but that a fair few conversations would need to take place first:

I don't know what the political side of that might mean, if there is a political side.

Celtic Fans Club Together And Raise Over £90,000 For Palestinian Charities In Wake Of UEFA Flag Furore

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At current count, Celtic fans have clubbed together to raise more than £90,000 for Palestinian charities in response to a UEFA sanction.

Funds are being raised in an attempt to match the impending fine that UEFA have slapped Celtic with for flyingPalestinian flags in the crowd during their recent Champions League play-off tie against Israeli side Hapoel Be'er Sheva.

Rejoice Liverpool Fans, For You Can Now Share A Pint With A Crap Hologram Of Bill Shankly (Video)

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At long last, Liverpool fans with no semblance of reverence or self-awareness will be able to share a pint with Bill Shankly, some 35 years after his death.

Thanks to a special booth installed in thenewly-opened Shankly Hotel in Victoria Street, Liverpool, fans can spend a bit of quality pub timewith a crude, weird and very definitely unsettling hologram of the famously tee-total Scot.

DFB Pokal: Bull’s Head Thrown Onto Pitch During Cup Clash Between Dynamo Dresden And RB Leipzig (Gruesome Photo)

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Saturday's acrimonious German Cup matchbetween bitter rivals Dynamo Dresden and Red Bull Leipzig was momentarily interrupted when a lump of livestock was hurledonto the pitch.

The two sides, who share a long and caustic history, met at Dresden's stadium in the first round of the DFB-Pokal, with the home fans once again letting their collective disdain for Red Bull's sell-out corporate bank-rolling be known to all.

‘I’m Still The 15-20 Goal Man’ – Andy Carroll Ever So Slightly Fudges His Scoring Stats After Latest Injury Setback

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Coming as a surprise to absolutely nobody, Andy Carroll has succumbed to injury once again after being ruled out for the next sixweeks with an acute case of knee knack.

Indeed, the West Ham battering ram took to Twitter to sign off for the next month and half and in doing so made the mistake of referring to himself as "the 15-20 goal man".

Middlesbrough: Cristhian Stuani Apologises After Adam Clayton Flops Sneaky Testicle Out In Dressing Room Victory Photo

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Despite scoring both of his team's goals on the day, Middlesbrough forwardCristhian Stuani has been forced to apologise in the wake of his side's 2-1 derby win over Sunderland in the Tees-Wear derby on Sunday afternoon.

The Uruguayan's apology camein the wake of a dressing room victoryphoto he shared on Twitter directly after the game in which scantily clad teammate Adam Clayton was spotted.

FA Cup: Thamesmead FC Score Weird, Wind-Assisted Goal In Historic Preliminary Round Match Against Guernsey (Video)

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While it may have escaped your notice, Rymans League side Thamesmead Town made their own little piece of FA Cup history over the weekend.

Thamesmead made the trip from Kent to the Channel Islands to play Guernsey in the preliminary round on Saturday and promptly set about racing into a 2-0 lead by half-time the first and second FA Cup goals ever to have been scored off the British mainland.

Ex-Arsenal Winger Gervinho Sent Off For Dreadful Double-Stamp In Chinese Super League (Video)

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Once of Arsenal, where his inconsistent performances frustrated the (perenially frustrated) Gunners faithful, Gervinho now finds himself plying his trade in the newly moneyed Chinese Super League. However, at the weekend, the Ivorian stood out for all the wrong reasons, courtesy of a shocking challenge.

La Liga: Marco Asensio Marks Real Madrid League Debut With Beautiful Goal v Real Sociedad (Video)

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Fresh from scoring a belter against Sevilla in the Spanish Super Cup, Real Madrid youngster has marked his La Liga debut with Los Merengues with a sublime goal against Real Sociedad.

Embed from Getty Images

Controlling the ball superbly after a superb pass from Raphael Varane, the 20-year-old Asensio stayed calm and produced an exquisite chip over 'keeperGeronimo Rulli.

Arsenal: Costa Rican Winger Joel Campbell Joins Sporting Lisbon On Season-Long Loan

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While the calls for reinforcements to come in at the Emirates reach deafening levels, one player leaving Arsenal is Joel Campbell, who is moving to Portuguese side Sporting Lisbon for the 2016/17 season.

The 24-year-old has been with Arsenal since 2011, but despite some impressive displays he has never really convinced Arsene Wenger.

Cristhian Stuani Nets Stunner As Middlesbrough Beat Sunderland 2-1 In Wear-Tees Derby (Video)

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Cristhian Stuani was the star of the show as Middlesbrough met Sunderland for the first league Wear-Tyne derby in over seven years. The Uruguayanbagged a brace in the game at the Stadium of Light, including a cracking long-range opener.

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Stuani's opener came after just 13 minutes and it was quite a strike, with the striker arrowing home a fierce right-footed effort.

Olympics: Neymar Nets Decisive Penalty As Brazil Win Football Gold (Photos & Video)

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With the weight of expectation of a a whole nation on their shoulders, Brazil's men won the Olympic gold after a dramatic shoot-out victory against Germany.

Embed from Getty Images

Brazil captain Neymar had opened the scoring on 29 minutes, courtesy of a cracking free-kick.

However, just before the hour-mark, German captain Max Meyer levelled the scores in the Maracana.

Bayern Munich Midfielder Arturo Vidal Gets Special Tattoo Of His Diabetic Son’s Insulin Pump (Photo)

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With the majority of his body already resembling a page of the Beano, Arturo Vidal has somehow managed to locate a spare patch of skin on his torso to have a sweet little tribute to his young son, Alonso, added to his tattoo collection.

Alonso suffers with Type 1 Diabetes, so his old man went and hadanimage of the youngster's insulin box inked onto his stomach, right next to a tattoo of 'Il Campione', Vidal's champion racehorse.

Official: Crystal Palace Complete £27m Deal To Rescue Christian Benteke From Liverpool Doledrums (Photo)

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Photo: @CPFC/Twitter

In desperate, desperate need of a striker, Crystal Palace have gone out and bagged themselves a rather good one after completing a deal to sign Christian Benteke from Liverpool.

The burly Belgian has signed a four-year contract with Palace after completing his medical this very morning.

‘I Hope We Can Still Be Friends’ – Gonzalo Higuain Has One Last Desperate Stab At Appeasing Jilted Napoli Fans With Apologetic Instagram Message

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It's fairly safe to posit that many Napoli fans weren't best pleased when Gonzalo Higuain decided to up sticks and leave for Juventus last month.

Despite the fact their club reaped a princely/berserk fee of€90million from the transaction, it didn't stop Napoli fans from taking to the street to burn their Higuain shirts and stuff them down toilets in reaction to the unforgivable treachery that had just befallen them.

Judging By His Twitter Bio, Christian Benteke Doesn’t Seem Entirely Sure Which Team He’s Just Signed For (Photo)

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Amid the hurly-burly of his £27million move to Crystal Palace, it would appear that Christian Benteke has lost track of quite where he is.

That's if the striker'sfreshly updated Twitter bio is anything to go by anyway...

Crystal Palace. Crystal. Palace. It's right there for crying out loud.

Ligue 1: Toulouse Fans Pay Tribute To Coach Pascal Dupraz With Incredible Tinder-Inspired Tifo

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Ahead of their side's first home game of the new season, Toulouse fans paid tribute to their charismatic manager Pascal Dupraz with a brilliant Tinder-inspired tifo.

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The 53-year-old Dupraz took over at Toulouse back in March, helping to keep the club in Ligue 1 after finishing just one point above the relegation zone.

Olympics: Horror Own-Goal Helps German Women’s Team To Gold In 2-1 Win v Sweden (Video)

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Germany picked up the gold medal in the Maracana on Friday night after a hard-fought Olympic final 2-1 win against Sweden.

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Dzsenifer Marozsanput the reigning European champions ahead via asuperb curling effort.

Marozsan con un golazo pone adelante a las germanas sobre Suecia.

Premier League: Pogba Starts, Ibrahimovic Bags Brace As Man Utd Beat Southampton 2-0 (Photos & Video)

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Paul Pogba lined out for Manchester United for the first time since March 2012, as the returning superstar helped the Red Devils to a convincing 2-0 victory at home to Southampton. However, it was another superstar summer-signing who really lit up Old Trafford, with Zlatan Ibrahimovic scoring twice on his Old Trafford debut.

Sunderland: In ‘Least Surprising Transfer Of The Summer’ News, David Moyes Signs Yet Another Of His Former Players

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Coming as a surprise to quite literally absolutely nobody, Sunderland have announced the signing of Steven Pienaar on a one-year deal.

The 34-year-old South African winger, who,as you may recall,used to play under David Moyes at Everton, had been training with the Black Cats after being released on a free at the end of last season.

This Recent Edit To Michael Chopra’s Wikipedia Page Is So Surreal It Must Be Seen To Be Believed

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Given thesomewhat meandering nature of his career and the extra-curricular dalliances that have peppered it along the way, Michael Chopra's Wikipedia page makes for interesting reading in parts.

However, after a recent edit, rather bizarrely reported to have been made from a UK government computer, Chopra's "personal life" section just got a whole lot more interesting.

‘Other Than Neuer And De Gea, Nobody Is Better’ – Gianluigi Buffon Has Some Very Nice Things To Say About Joe Hart

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You'd think that Pep Guardiola was publicly birching him in the streets given the hysterical outcry, but no Joe Hart has not been driven naked through the city streets by Man City's new coach quite yet. He's simply been dropped for the first few games of the season.

While Pep has been accused by members of the press of "humiliating" and "mistreating" England's sainted No.

Man Utd: Paul Pogba Attempts His Best Zlatan Ibrahimovic Impression During Chat With Thierry Henry (Video)

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Photos: Manchester United FC/Getty Images

As man of the moment Paul Pogba discussed his grand return to Manchester United withcompatriot Thierry Henry for Sky Sportsrecently, conversation inevitably came around to the pitfalls of having to share ego-space with Zlatan Ibrahimovic in the dressing room.

‘There Was No Real Goodbye’ – Joe Allen Reveals He Discovered He Was Leaving Liverpool Via Text Message

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Joe Allen has revealed that he only became aware that he was being sold by Liverpool when he stumbled upon the news while reading a text message.

The hirsute Welsh midfielder discovered he was in the process of being sold to Stoke when his friend contacted him to prematurely congratulate him on securing what subsequently turned out to be a £13million move to the Potters.

New Bolivia Coach Guillermo Angel Hoyos Calls Up 93 (Ninety Three!) Players Into First Squad

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Having taken the Bolivian national team job just a couple of weeks ago, new bossGuillermo Angel Hoyos is obviously keen to assess his options and we mean all of his options ahead of his first game as La Verde's head coach.

Indeed, in order to run the rule over his playing pool, Hoyos has called up a whopping 93 (NINETY THREE) players into his preliminary squad ahead of amaiden double-header of games against Peru and Chile.

Neymar Takes Just 14 Seconds To Score Fastest Goal In Olympic History As Brazil Rout Honduras To Reach Final (Video)

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After enduring a ropy start to their tournament, Brazil went breezing into the mens Olympic football final with a resounding 6-0 win over Honduras in the semis.

It didn't take long for Brazil to breach the incredibly porous Honduran backline for the first time, with Neymar taking just 14 seconds after kick-off to open the scoring.

Impatient Arsenal Fan Left With Truly Pointless Replica Shirt After Riyad Mahrez Signs New Long-Term Leicester Contract (Photo)

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As you're no doubt aware, Riyad Mahrez defied almost an entire summer's worth of tabloid rumour-mongering to sign a new, long-term contract with Leicester on Wednesday afternoon.

This came as great news for Foxes fans and as especially bad news for one Arsenal fan in particular, who suddenly found his expensive new replica shirt rendered apointless, almost worthless exercise in transfer folly.

ISL: John Arne Riise Signs For Chennaiyin Two Months After Announcing His Retirement From Football

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Photo: Chennaiyin FC

Two months ago, ocean-going vessels and Champions League goalkeepers breathed a collective sigh of relief when TheKraken™ himself, John Arne Riise, announced that he was returning to his undersea lair to slumber for another 1,000 years.

Indeed, the 35-year-old Norwegian veteran broke the news via a lengthy statement on his personal website posted in mid-June, just daysafter agreeing tohave his contract with boyhood club Aalesund mulched by mutual consent.

With The Spanish Super Cup In The Bag, Luis Enrique Has Now Won Every Trophy There Is To Win As Barcelona Coach

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His side'sthumping of Sevilla in the Spanish Super Cup last night saw Luis Enrique become only the third Barcelona coach of the modern era (i.e, post 1955) to complete a grand slam of available silverware.

Arda Turan scored twice and Lionel Messi once as Barca won3-0 on the night to complete a 5-0 aggregate rout, thus landing Enrique the only trophy missing from his collection having lost out (heavily) to Athletic Bilbao in the Super Cup last season.

Christian Benteke: Liverpool Agree £27m Deal To Flog Their Unwanted Square Peg To Crystal Palace

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Liverpool have reportedly agreed a deal to sell Christian Benteke to Crystal Palace for an initial fee of £27million.

Palace had an opening offer knocked back a few days ago after Liverpool took umbrage at the ridiculously convoluted way the bonus payments were structured, with Liverpool Echo journalist James Pierce claiming that Benteke would have had to "win Wimbledon, the British Grand Prix and Masterchef" to trigger the various add-ons.

FAIL: Blackburn’s Shane Duffy Scores Another Two Own-Goals v Cardiff To Make It Three For Season Already (Video)

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After a good Euro 2016, Republic of Ireland defender Shane Duffy returned with his reputation very much enhanced. However, the Blackburn Rovers defender has since endured a horror start to the season, netting three own-goals already, including two against Cardiff City on Wednesday night.

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Duffy was forced to delete his Twitter account after receiving a torrent of abuse following his own-goal in Blackburn's 3-0 defeat to Wigan.

Mino Raiola: Football Super Agent Spluffs £7m To Buy Al Capone’s Old House In Miami

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Footballing mega-agent Mino Raiola has put the hefty wodge of money he earned for moving Paul Pogba and Zlatan Ibrahimovic around the globe this summer by purchasing himself a house worthy of his influence and avarice.

Indeed, Raiola has spent £7million of his commission money to buy himself a luxurious new mansion just outsideMiami, Florida.

Pepe Reina Quite Literally Calls Bullshit On Tabloid Rumours He Offered His Services To Barcelona

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With the freshly-usurped Joe Hart reportedly set to leave Man City before the end of the current transfer window, the word on the wire is that Pep Guardiola is keen to bring in Barcelona 'keeper Claudio Bravo as his replacement.

In turn, this gave rise to reports that, sensing a disturbance in the Force, Pepe Reina had contacted Barca and touted himself as a replacement for Bravo, such was the 33-year-old veteran's clamour to return to play for his boyhood side.

Reports: Mario Balotelli Meets With Career Guidance Officer Jose Mourinho To Discuss Liverpool Limbo

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If reports emanating from the Italian press are to be believed, Mario Balotelli has sought the council of his former mentor Jose Mourinho in an attempt to get his increasingly wayward career back on track.

Balotelli is currently stuck in limbo with a list of clubs as long as your arm all ruling out moves for the waning striker since he was told he had no future at Liverpool under Jurgen Klopp.

Hull City Dabble In Dark Art Of Human Cloning In Desperate Attempt To Fill Up Tiny Squad (Photo)

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Despite an impressive opening day win over the reigning champions, many folks are still worried about Hull City's chances of staying up this season.

As well as not having a full-time manager in place, there are concerns over the size of the Tigers' squad, with stand-in coach MikePhelan unable to name a full matchday compliment for their 2-1 win over Leicester City last weekend.

Cheeky: Steaua Bucharest Tifo Hijacked By Rivals Dinamo Before Champions League Clash With Man City (Photo)

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Courtesy of a wonderfully audacious prank, Steaua Bucharest big-wigs were left embarrassed, after fans of rival club Dinamo Bucharest hijacked a pre-match display before their Champions League qualifier with Manchester City.

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Steaua's owner Gigi Becali thought he had organised a huge tifo at the Arena Nationala to celebrate the 30-year anniversary of the club's European Cup success.

Sergio Aguero Misses Two Penalties But Nets Hat-Trick As Man City Rout Steaua Bucharest (Video)

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Manchester City made it two wins out of two under Pep Guardiola after a convincing 5-0 win away to Steaua Bucharest in the first leg of their Champions League qualifier. Star of the show was Sergio Aguero, who netted a hat-trick, but only after he managed to miss not one, but two penalties.

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Aguero's first spot-kick miss came within the first 10 minutes, after the impressive Raheem Sterling had been felled in the box.

Borussia Dortmund: Marco ‘Scourge Of The Roads’ Reus Has Finally Passed His Driving Test

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Fabulousnews, y'all. Marco Reus has finally passed his driving test.

As you may recall, Reus was fined over half-a-million euros a couple of years ago when, after being stopped by police in Dortmund, it emerged that the forward had been merrily pootling around in hisAston Martinwithout a valid driving license for THREE YEARS.

Swedish Top Flight Match Abandoned After 17-Year-Old Fan Rushes Onto Pitch And Attacks Goalkeeper (Video)

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The Swedish top-flight match between Jonkoping and Ostersunds had to be abandoned in the last few minutes on Monday night after a fan rushed onto the pitch and blind-sided Ostersund goalkeeperAly Keita.

The hoodlum came hurtling onto the pitch from behind Keita's goal, chased him and then appeared to knock the Ostersunds 'keeper over with a blow from behind.

Official: Burnley Sign Belgian International Steven Defour For Club Record Fee (Photo)

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Photo: Burnley FC

In what represents a fairly significant coup, pokey oldBurnley have signed Belgium international midfielder Steven Defour from Anderlecht in a club record deal.

Defour has signed a three-year deal at Turf Moor, with the Clarets paying £7.5million for the privilege.

Non-League: Bamber Bridge Left Stranded After Bus Breaks Down, Get Escorted To The Pub Via Tractor (Photos & Video)

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Photo: @Alan_Bateson/Twitter

After toiling to a goalless draw with Scarborough Athletic in the Evo-Stick First Division North on Saturday afternoon, the fine folks at Bamber Bridge FC were all set to make the longtrip home when their team bus conked out.

Suddenly finding themselves stranded in the Yorkshire countryside some 120 miles from home, Bamber Bridge did what any self-respecting non-league football team would do and flagged down a passing tractor to escort them to the nearest pub.

Cristian Tello Wears ‘I Love Beer’ Shirt To His Fiorentina Medical (Photos)

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Turns out Pies have something in common with this young man

Having already spent last season on loan there, Cristian Tello was so blaséabout passing another medical at Fiorentina that he decided to take the piss by turning up wearing a t-shirt that proudly declared his love of beer.

Indeed, the Barcelona fringeplayerunderwent his second Viola physical on Monday (right under the nose of manager Paulo Sousa)whilesportinghis favourite "I♥ Beer' shirt all the while.

Former FIFA President Joao Havelange Passes Away At The Age Of 100

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Without wishing to be unduly disrespectful to the man, Pieswere labouring under the illusion that he'd shuffled offyears ago, but nay former FIFA president Joao Havelange has passed away today at the grand old age of 100.

Havelange served as FIFA's grand poobah for 24 years between1974 and 1998, at which pointhe was superseded by dear old Sepp Blatter.

Chelsea Boss Antonio Conte Goes Wild As Blues Snatch Late Victory v West Ham (Video)

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Never before has the Premier League housed such a range of A-Grade managerial super-talent, with new boys Pep Guardiola and Antonio Conte joining the likes of Arsene Wenger, Jurgen Klopp and (a returning) Jose Mourinho this summer.

On Monday night, Chelsea boss Conte got his first taste of Premier League action, courtesy of a deserved yet dramatic 2-1 home win against West Ham, with the former Italy manager producing a touchline celebration Klopp himself would be proud of after Diego Costa won the game for the Blues.

Official: Yannick Bolasie Completes Move From Crystal Palace To Everton In £25m Deal (Photo)

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Photo: @Everton/Twitter

It's done. Yannick Bolasie's long-feted move to Everton has been officially sealed this afternoon.

Bolasie, who scored a mighty 12 goals in 122 Premier League games during his four seasons at Crystal Palace, has movedto Goodison for a fee of £25million.

The 27-year-old has signed a five-year contract and will henceforth wear the No.

Shit Lookalike: Alberto Moreno & Shrunken Head Guy From ‘Beetlejuice’

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As we sat there and watched Alberto Moreno scurrying round aimlessly against Arsenal, we couldn't help but notice that we'd seen his truly laughableexcuse for a haircut somewhere before.

Then it dawned on us...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Bung it over to us at waatpies@gmail.

The BIG Question: Is Pep Guardiola Right To Oust Joe Hart As Man City’s No.1 Goalkeeper?

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We may not have any resounding winners to crown quite yet, but with the openingweekend of the 2016/17 Premier League season very nearlydone and dusted, one big, blonde loser has already emerged.

While we're only talking about one game in isolation so far, Pep Guardiola has already made his first definingstatement of intent at Manchester City: that Joe Hart, the club's (and country's) ever-present, ubiquitous and unquestioned No.

Tragic: Former Aston Villa Striker Dalian Atkinson Dies Aged 48 After Being Tasered By Police

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Terrible news is reaching Pies this morning that Dalian Atkinson has died after being shot by a police taser.

West Mercia Police have confirmed that a 48-year-old man was killed in Telford after a taser was used on him at an address in the West Midlands.

West Mercia Police can confirm that officers responded to a report for the concern for the safety of an individual at approximately 1.

‘Physically, We Are Not Ready’ – Arsenal Boss Arsene Wenger Cites Euro 2016 Fatigue In Aftermath Of Liverpool Defeat

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Arsene's playing the blame game... again

Stop us if you've heard this one before. Arsene Wenger, with a defensive injury crisis and a lack of striker options to contend with, has turned to blaming outside forces for Arsenal's fragile, lacklustre start to the Premier League season.

The Gunners kicked off with an entertainingly ridiculous 4-3 home defeat against Liverpool, with Wenger's patchwork side looking decidedly less than convincing.

Expert Opinion: Garth Crooks Backs Liverpool For Relegation Solely Due To Alberto Moreno’s Horror Show Against Arsenal

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Image: BBC Sport

While the odds are most definitely against itafter a stirring win over Arsenal on the opening weekend, Garth Crooks has dribbled a drop of virgin's blood into the concoction bubbling away in his soothsayer's cauldron and used his sight beyond sight to predictthat Liverpool will be relegated from the Premier League this season.

Man Utd Outcast Bastian Schweinsteiger Tweets Support To Team-Mates Before And After Bournemouth Win

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Despite being banished to the reserve team dressing room by Jose Mourinho, Manchester United midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger showed his class on Sunday with a couple of Tweets backing his team-mates, who beat Bournemouth 3-1.

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Mourino's arguably harsh treatment prompted Schweinsteiger'sbrother Tobias to Tweet "no respect" in response.

From Bad To Worse: Arsenal Goalkeeper Petr Cech Crashes Car At Emirates After 4-3 Defeat To Liverpool (Photo)

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After conceding four goals and seeing his side beaten by Liverpool on Sunday, things were already going pretty badly for Petr Cech. However, to add insult to injury, the Arsenal goalkeeper than crashed his car trying to leave the Emirates.

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The 34-year-old Cech apparently hit a pillar while trying to exit the Gunners' stadium, although judging by this photo, the damage wasn't too serious.

Philippe Coutinho Nets Magnificent Free-Kick As Liverpool Beat Arsenal 4-3 In Emirates Goalfest (Video)

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Liverpool started their Premier League campaign with an entertaining4-3 win against Arsenal, with Philippe Coutinho the star man for the Reds. With the visitors second best throughout the first-half, and one goal down, the Brazilian conjured up a magnificent free-kick just before the break to kickstart his side's afternoon.

Man Utd’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic And Wayne Rooney Bemused As Eric Bailly Gets Man Of The Match Award v Bournemouth (Video)

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Manchester United got their Premier League campaign off to a fine start, courtesy of a comfortable 3-1 win away at Bournemouth. Juan Mata, Wayne Rooney and Zlatan Ibrahimovic were all on target for Jose Mourinho's side with Adam Smith bagging a consolation goal for the Cherries.

However, after the game, Ibrahimovic and Rooney looked rather bemused by Sky's decision to give centre-half Eric Bailly the man of the match award, despite the centre-half's impressive display.

La Liga: Valencia Give Retiring Kitman Bernardo España Incredible Send-Off At The Mestalla (Video)

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After 55 years sorting out Valencia players' dirty shirts, shorts and socks, legendary kitmanBernardo 'Españeta'España has finally decided to retire and on Saturday, the club gave their famousservant a fabulous send-off at the Mestalla.

Ahead of Valencia's pre-season friendly with Fiorentina at the Mestalla, the club unveiled their squad for the forthcoming season.

Championship: Jack Grealish Jinks His Way To Cracking Solo Goal As Aston Villa Pick Up First Win Of Season (Video)

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Aston Villa secured their first win of the new season, courtesy of a 3-0 home victory against Rotherham. Striker Rudy Gestede netted a brace for the Villans but the standout goal came courtesy of young midfielder Jack Grealish.

Grealishstruggled last season to live up to the initial hype surrounding him, but on Saturday he showed what he can offer.

Tottenham: Dele Alli To Play With First Name On Shirt From Now On For Personal Reasons

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You may notice a certain stylistic tweak to Dele Alli's shirt when Tottenham take on Everton in their maiden outing of the 2016/17 Premier League season this afternoon.

This is because the young midfielder has decided to switch from wearing 'Alli' on the back of his shirt to his forename 'Dele' short for Bamidele.

Match Of The Day: Gary Lineker Presents First Show Of The Season In His Underpants As Promised…

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#garyspants #motd

10.30 BST, @bbcone https://t.co/g0gIfLZbX9

— Match of the Day (@BBCMOTD) August 13, 2016

Just as he vowed when Leicester City were sitting pretty atop the Premier League way back in December of last year, Gary Lineker kept up his end of the bargain and presented the first Match of the Day show of the Foxes' title defence campaign in his grundies complete with a little Leicester badge.

Lionel Messi Ends Short-Lived International Retirement, Returns For Argentina

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Just six weeks after announcing his retirement from international football, Lionel Messi has done a great big U-turn and decided to return to action for Argentina.

The Barcelona superstar quit the international game after Argentina's defeat on penalties to Chile in the Copa America, with the attacker once again failing to win a trophy withLa Albiceleste.

Other Side Of The Story: Charlton Athletic Issue Statement Regarding ‘Behaviour Contract’ Letter Sent To Fan

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As you may have seen, a wave of dismayed astonishmentrippled through the football world earlier today when a letter on Charlton Athletic stationary circulated on social media.

The letter appeared to show the club's board attempting to intimidate fans into ceasing their protests against the League One side's controversial owners by forcing them to sign "behaviour agreements" in order to have their season ticket applications approved.

Delightful: Charlton Athletic Are Apparently Forcing Fans To Sign ‘Behaviour Contracts’ Before Allowing Them To Buy Season Tickets (Photo)

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As anyone with even the slightest awareness of life outside the Premier League will know, all is not rosy at Charlton Athletic these days.

Indeed, the ailing Addickshave been in turmoil for months as the schism between the club's controversial board (headed by much-maligned owner Roland Duchatelet) and the fans continues to grow.

Mikel John Obi Welcomes Paul Pogba Back To The Premier League With Timely Reminder Of His Midfield Superiority (Video)

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The newly-rechristened Mikel John Obi has found time inhis busy schedule to welcome old pal Paul Pogba back to the Premier League with a timely reminder of the kind of midfield foe he'll be coming up against this season.

Indeed, the Chelsea veteran sought to put the willies up Pogba, who you may have heard made an understated return to Manchester United a few days ago, by chucking in a video clip of the time he nutmegged the bejesus out of his French counterpart at the 2014 World Cup.

‘I Wanted To Kill All Of Them, And Myself’ – Mauricio Pochettino Didn’t Take Too Kindly To Tottenham’s Embarrassing Title Capitulation

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"Sleep with one eye open, yeah?"

Mauricio Pochettino has admitted that watching on from close quarters as Tottenham wilted in the title race last season ignited within him a truly murderous rage.

Spurs were tucked in just behind eventual champions Leicester City going into the last two months of the 2015/16 chase,but a series of poor results (including an embarrassing 5-1 thrashing by relegation fodder Newcastle United on the final day of the season) saw Pochettino's side fall well out of the reckoning, washing up in third behind Arsenal.

Retro Football: Newspaper Baulks At The ‘Crazy’ Price Of Match Tickets In 1980 (Photo)

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Arsenal's Highbury Stadium, circa 1980

The month was July. The year was 1980.

Dear old Margaret Thatcher was busy slowly disassembling the country, unemployment hit the two million mark in the UK for the first time since 1935, Alexandra Palace was gutted by a devastating fireand one newspaper in particular was railing at the thought of having to pay OVER £80 to buy a season ticket at Arsenal.

Official: Adnan Januzaj Reunites With David Moyes By Joining Sunderland On Loan For The Season

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According to club correspondence, Adnan Januzaj has become the third Manchester United cast-off to join Sunderland in the space of 48 hoursafter finalising a season-long loan move.

The 21-year-old Belgian winger follows fellow younglings Paddy McNair and Donald Love in reuniting with ex-United manager David Moyes at the Black Cats, with the latter pair both leaving Old Traffordon permanent deals on Thursday afternoon.

EFL Cup: Bristol Rovers’ Chris Lines Nets Extra-Time Stunner v Cardiff To Set Up Chelsea Clash (Video)

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League One'sBristol Rovers shocked Championship side Cardiff City in the EFL Cup on Thursday night, with Chris Lines' wonder-strike in extra-time sending the Pirates through to the second round.

Midfielder Lines scored the only goal of the game on 115 minutes at the Memorial Stadium, launching a rocket from well outside the box which arrowed into the top corner.

‘He’s Fatter Than Me’ – Robert Prosinecki Offers Some Choice Thoughts On Gonzalo Higuain’s Physical Appearance

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The world and his dog have been quick to pass judgement on Gonzalo Higuain after the Argentinian striker recently (briefly) became the third most expensive footballer in history when he completed his big £75.3million move from Napoli to Juventus.

Higuain made his debut for Juve in a friendly against West Ham last weekend, with many independent observers noticing that the 28-year-old forward appearedto be carrying a little bit of excess timber around the midriff.

EFL Cup: Jores Okore Scores Laughable Own-Goal As Aston Villa Beaten 3-1 By League Two Giants Luton (Video)

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Though they battled bravely, plucky little Aston Villa ended up tumbling out of the League Cup at the first hurdle with a 3-1 defeat against League Two behemoths Luton Town on Wednesday night.

Villa pushed hard from the off and actually nudged themselves ahead through Jordan Ayew in the 13th minute but Luton came haring back to win as a 66th-minute own-goal from Jores Okore sealed the Championship side's fate.

Reports: Riyad Mahrez Agrees Not To Leave Leicester City In Current Transfer Window

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Riyad Mahrez is staying put

On the back of a summer of conjecture, Riyad Mahrez has now reportedly accepted that he will not be leaving Leicester City any time soon.

According to the Guardian, despite turning down a new £80,000-a-week contract offer, the Algerian has no qualms about staying put but has also made known his desire to try his hand at a club in the upper echelons, with Arsenal, Chelsea and Barcelona all said to be tailingthe 2015/16 PFA Player of the Year.

Official: Jonathan Woodgate Joins Liverpool (As Part Of Their Scouting Department)

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After knocking his playing days on the head at the end of last season, Jonathan Woodgate has joined Liverpool's backroom staff as a scout.

The 36-year-old will be charged withfocusing on assessing players in Spain and Portugal, thus drawing onthe three injury-ravaged, calamity-strewn years he spent as a Real Madrid player between 2004 and 2007.

10 Maverick, Muscular And Meaty Predictions For The 2016/17 Premier League Season

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It's that time of year again. Time for you to deftly remove yourself from your tenterhooks people, for Pies are about to lay down a platter full of succulent, meaty predictions for the 2016/17 Premier League season.

There's really no need to go back and check last year's offering because they were all spot on as per usual.

Wolves’ Programme Cover For Their Game Against Reading Features Some Seriously Cool Fantasy Artwork (Photo)

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If you'll excuse the colloquialism, Wolves are f**king rolling in it at the moment after the Championship club were bought out by Chinese investors back in July.

Indeed, Fosun International have wasted little time chucking their money around with a £20million transfer (by far and away a record for the second-tier) for Benfica striker Anderson Talisca on the very cusp of going through.

OGC Nice To Play In Special Shirt Featuring Names Of All 85 Victims Of Bastille Day Terror Attack (Photo)

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OGC Nice have announced they plan to pay loving tribute to all the victims of the Bastille Day terror attack in the French city last month by wearing a special tribute shirt adorned with all of their names.

85 people were killed in the city whenMohamed Lahouaiej Bouhlel drove his lorry into crowds of people who were celebrating the French public holiday on July 14th.

Silver Fox: Leicester City Boss Claudio Ranieri Signs New Four-Year Deal With Premier League Champions

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Leicester City boss has penned a new deal with the Premier League champions which sees him stay with the club until 2020.

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Despite the question marks over his suitability for the Leicester job 12 months ago, the Italian oversaw an fairytale season for the Foxes in 2015/16, leading them to an unprecedented Premier League title.

EFL Cup: Exeter City’s 15-Year-Old Ethan Ampadu Becomes Club’s Youngest Ever Player

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Ethan Ampadu became Exeter City's youngest-ever player on Tuesday night,when the 15-year-old lined out against Brentford in the opening round of the EFL Cup.

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At15 years, 10 months and 26 day. Ampadu started the game in central defence, thus beating Cliff Bastin's previous record with the Grecians (16 years and one month), set over 88 years ago.

‘I’d Be Called A Genius If I Was Foreign’ – Burnley Boss Sean Dyche Struggles With British Manager Identity Complex

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Burnley manager Sean Dyche has said, for the umpteenth time, that he believes British coaches are not getting a fair rub of the green as they continue to fight against the "branded jeans" mentality currently rife in the modern game.

With an influxof dashing foreign super-coaches arriving to take top jobs in the Premier League over the summer (of the seven permanent appointments made in the top flight, only one Sunderland's David Moyes is of British stock), Dyche has become increasinglyconcernedabout the lack ofopportunities being afforded to indigenous managers.

Non-League Snapshot Of The Day: Spiderman Drops In To Watch Nelson FC In Action In The Northwest Counties League…

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Proving that even a hard-working cosmopolitan superhero can enjoy the cut and thrust of the non-league, here's Spiderman pulling up a pew to watch Lancashire-based Nelson FC in action in the Northwest Counties League...

Photo: @NFCcommercial/Twitter

Not in the dugout so much as on it.

FC Midtjylland: Rafael Van Der Vaart Signs For Danish Side On Two-Year Deal (Photo)

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Photo: @fcmidtjylland/Twitter

Everybody's favourite Danish Superliga side FC Midtjylland have pulled off what just might be the transfer coup of the summer so far (Pogba? Pah!) after nabbing Rafael van der Vaart on a freebie.

Van der Vaart has signed a two-year deal atMidtjylland after spending the off-season clubless following his release by Real Betis back in June.

UEFA Super Cup: Marco Asensio Marks Real Madrid Debut With Wonder-Strike v Sevilla (Video)

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Making his senior debut for Real Madrid in Tuesday night's European Super Cup final, Real Madrid attacker Marco Asensio marked the occasion with a superb strike to open the scoring against Sevilla.

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Picking up the ball outside the Atletico box, the 20-year-old turned before launching a left-footed rocket which left 'keeper Rico with no chance.

Official: Paul Pogba Finally Puts Us All Out Of Our Misery By Completing Man Utd Return (Photo)

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Photo: @ManUtd/Twitter

If, like Pies, you've heard Paul Pogba's name (and purported transfer fee) so many times over the past month or so that it's begun to sound like little more than a weird, meaningless abstract noise, then fret no longer. It's done. It's finally over.

As of last night, Manchester United officially confirmed that their prodigal son has returned to the flock, thus becoming the most expensive footballer in the history of everything ever in the process.

‘Merci’ – Juventus Wave Off All £89m Of Paul Pogba With Elegant Farewell Montage (Video)

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With the deal that shall not speaketh its name now formally done and concluded, Juventus have welcomed the arrival of £89million in their piggy bank by producing a tender little farewell package for Paul Pogba.

Indeed,Juvehave waved off their departing cash cow with a spiffy little farewell montage that takes in some of Pogba's finest work in a Bianconeri shirt, all set to a classy string quartet soundtrack like.

Under The Radar: Man City Go Ahead And Name John Stones In 21-Man Champions League Squad (Photo)

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Err, have we missed something here?

While the world and his dog were watching the Paul Pogba deal drag on ad nauseam, it would appear that Man City have stealthily pulled off a major signing of their very own.

As revealed this morning, City have named their 21-man squad for the Champions League qualifying stage, numbering one John Stones among the defensive ranks.

Reports: Man City ‘Hugely Embarrassed’ Over John Stones Cock-Up As UEFA Attempt To Clear Up Confusion

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Well, what a palaver this is. UEFA have now confirmed that John Stones' inclusion in Man City's squad for the Champions League play-offs is not a mistake at their end and that they followed proper protocol before adding him in there.

Earlier this morning, City went ahead and named Stones in their 25-man squad without any prior mention of a deal being struck with Everton.

Done Deal: John Stones Is Officially On The Man City Payroll After Completing £47.5m Transfer (Photo)

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Scratch that and all of that. Man City have just rushed through the formal unveiling of John Stones after ever so slightly prematurely naming the defender in their preliminary 21-man Champions League squad earlier this morning.

The 22-year-old centre-back has signed an enormous six-year deal at the Etihad, with Everton receiving £47.

Twenty’s Plenty: Virgin Media Support FSF Campaign By Introducing £20 Price Cap On All Southampton Away Tickets

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Thanks largely to the tireless work of the Football Supporters' Federation (The FSF), today has seen yet another positive development in the continuing campaign to address the ever-spiralling priceof match tickets.

The FSF have announced that the cost of an adult away ticket at Southampton's St.

Kawasaki Frontale Unveil Stunning New Anniversary Shirt, Features Space Stations In Orbit And Slogans About Cake (Photos)

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Photo via @JLeagueShirts/Twitter

If there's one thing we know about Japanese football here on Pies it's that they're bloodystark raving mad for a bonkers limited edition jersey.

To that end, Kawasaki Frontale have upheld the proud tradition with a stunning new effort for their 2016 offering, which uses 'space' as the general theme.

Shut Up! Rapper Stormzy Confirms Paul Pogba’s Arrival At Man Utd With Slick Adidas Clip (Video)

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With Paul Pogba's return to Manchester United all but finalised, London rapper Stormzy may well have confirmed the deal via a video he posted on Facebook on Monday evening.

The video features Pogba strutting his stuff while Stormzy wears a blue Manchester United top with 'Pogba' on the back.

Community Shield: Jose Mourinho Reckons Juan Mata ‘Understands’ The Reason He Was Subbed Off Against Leicester City

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Manchester United may have come out on top in the Community Shield on Sunday afternoon but there was one bone of contention, with Juan Mata's double substition raising plenty of quizzical eyebrows.

Mata was sent on in the 63rd minute with the score locked at 1-1. He was then hauled off again in the 93rd minute with the game all but won.

Punchlines On A Postcard Please: Sam Allardyce Turns Up At The McDonald’s Drive-Thru Window In Bolton (Photo)

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You'll never guess who pulled up at the drive-thru window of the Bolton branch of McDonald's over the weekend.

Actually, thinking about it, you'll probably definitely be able to guess probably on the first attempt.

Yep. It was this guy. The new England manager, no less...

Photo: @McDonaldsBolton/Twitter

Just an ordinary day when the new England Manager decides to pay a visit.

Liga MX: Santos Laguna ‘Keeper Agustin Marchesin Suffers Hand Injury, Comes Back On To Play Up Front For Rest Of Game (Video)

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Club Laguna Santos goalkeeper Agustin Marchesin really earned his crust on Sunday eveningby putting in a stout double shift in his side's 0-0 draw against Puebla in the Mexican top flight.

Marchesin suffered a potentially game-ending injuryin the latter stages of the encounter after an awkward clashwith an opposing forward left him nursing a couple of sprainedfingers.

Deal As Good As Done: Manchester Airport Tweet Picture Of What We’re Told Is Paul Pogba’s Plane Landing On Their Runway (Photo)

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Paul Pogba is joining Manchester United from Juventus. We know this because ever single minute, inconsequential aspect and development of the tedious deal has been covered in forensic detail by all and sundry for the past two months.

Case in point: within half an hour of going live, this largely unspectacular morsel from Manchester Airport had 3,000 retweets.

Friendly: Theo Walcott Scores Stunner But Gabriel Injured As Arsenal Beat Man City 3-2 (Photos & Video)

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Arsenal and Manchester City met in Gothenburg on Sunday night, in the two sides' last game before the start of the Premier League season.

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The Gunnersstarted well, but it was City who would open the scoring, via Sergio Aguero. However, goals fromAlex Iwobi, Theo Walcott and Chuba Akpom would ultimately win it for the north Londoners, despite a late strike fromKelechi Iheanacho.

Community Shield: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Fires Man Utd To Wembley Win Against Leicester (Photos & Highlights)

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Jose Mourinho got his Manchester United career off to a winning start, as the Red Devils beat Premier League champions Leicester 2-1 courtesy of a Zlatan Ibrahimovic's second-half winner.

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United started with Ibrahimovic up front andfellow summer-signingEric Bailly in central defence.

Community Shield: Jesse Lingard Scores Solo Stunner For Man Utd v Leicester (Video)

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The curtain has well and truly been raised on the new season, with Leicester City facing Manchester United in the Community Shield at Wembley.

While United boss Jose Mourinho has added a handful of world class signings this summer, it was homegrown youngster Jesse Lingard who lit up Wembley with a stunning goal.

Arsenal Boss Arsene Wenger Presented With Large Ceremonial Sword Ahead Of Viking Friendly (Photo)

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Never has a man looked less suited to wieldingmedieval weaponry (Photo: @Arsenal/Twitter)

Arsenal ran amok in their penultimate friendly of their pre-season schedule, pulverising Norwegian side Viking with a second-half deluge.

Ahead by a solitary goal at half-time, Arsenal made a raft of second-half changes and eventually ran out 8-0 winners as Joel Campbell and Alex Iwobi helped themselves to a brace apiece.

Finnish Newspaper Lists 11 Current Players Named ‘Jari’ After Ajax Legend Litmanen

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A Finnish newspaper has uncovered the incredible influence of legendary Ajax playmaker Jari Litmanen had in the Netherlands.

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Now 45, Litmanen played for the likes of Barcelona and Liverpool during a glittering career. However, it was with Dutch giants Ajax in the nineties that the attacker enjoyed his best years, winning the Champions League and picking up five Eredivisie titles.

Liverpool: Jurgen Klopp Refuses To Answer Questions From The Sun In Post-Match Interview (View)

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Liverpool smashed Barcelona 4-0 in the pre-season International Champions Cup at Wembley on Sunday. Sadio Mané,Divock Origi and Marko Grujic all got on the scoresheet (along with a Javier Mascherano own-goal) in a thumping win for the Reds.

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In the post-match interview, Reds' boss Jurgen Klopp refused to answer a question from a Sun journalist.

Championship: Denis Odoi Produces Moment Of Outrageous Skill As Fulham Down Favourites Newcastle (Video)

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With Rafa Benitez at the helm, an experienced squad and money in the bank, Newcastle are many people's favourites to win the Championship this season. However, in the season-opener on Friday night, the Magpies went down 1-0 to Fulham, with the impressive Denis Odoi lighting up Craven Cottage with a piece of fantastic original skill.

Swanky: Leicester City Owner Buys 19 Matching Blue BMWs As Gifts For Title-Winning Players (Photos)

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As Leicester City's improbable Premier League title win continues to refuse to sink in, the club's owner has once again reminded us all that our collective daydream is actually a work of non-fiction.

Indeed, a batch of photos taken outside the Foxes' King Power stadium appear to show that the ownerVichai Srivaddhanaprabha has splashed out on a fleet of matching BMWs, which are to be doled out among the squad.

Brede Hangeland Retires With Fond Memories Of The Time Felix Magath Attempted To Heal His Thigh Injury With Cottage Cheese

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Any excuse to dig out this old classic again

At the grand old age of 35, Brede Hangeland has today chosen to announce his retirement from football after coming to the conclusion that "now is the right time" to call quits on his 16-year professional career.

Having made his name in Norway and Denmark, Hangeland moved to Fulham in 2008 and quickly set about becoming something of a club hero, providing an ever-reliable and solid presence at the back while playing his part in some of the most remarkablemoments in the Cottagers' recent history notably their run to the 2010 Europa League Final.

Confused Fans Struggle To Cope As Sheffield Wednesday Announce Baffling New Squad Numbers

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Pies areslightly late on the draw here, but only this morning have we been made aware of Sheffield Wednesday's squad numbering situation going into the new Championship season.

Indeed, it would appear that missing out on promotion at the final hurdle last year has had an adverse effect on The Owl's mental well-being that's if their newly announced squad numbers for 2016/17 are anything to go on.

Fernando Llorente On Verge Of Joining Swansea After Agreeing Terms On Two-Year Deal

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Swansea City are within hours of pulling off a more-than-decent signing after agreeing a deal to sign Fernando Llorente from Sevilla.

According to the Guardian, Swansea have agreed terms on a two-year deal with the 31-year-old Basque target man, who is now set to undergo a medical on Friday.

Europa League: Aberdeen Score Comedy Own-Goal On Nightmare Night Against Maribor (Video)

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Aberdeen crashed out of the Europa League on Thursday night, in a nightmare game against Maribor which saw the Scottish Premiership side miss a penalty, have a player sent off and score the most appalling own-goal you are likely to see this season.

After the first-leg in Scotland ended 1-1, the game was perfectly set up.

Official: Roberto Martinez Appointed As New Manager Of Belgium National Side

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Now there's one you didn't see coming. Just before the end of play on Wednesday evening, the Belgian Football Association (KBVB) announced that they'd appointed Roberto Martinez as their new head coach.

You may recall that KBVBposted an advert for their vacancyon their official website a week or two ago,shortly after former incumbent Marc Wilmots was sent packing.

Testimonial: Wayne Rooney And Son Can’t Help But Chortle At Memphis Depay’s Atrocious Overhead Kick Attempt (Video)

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Last night saw Manchester United squeeze in a testimonial match as a nod to Wayne Rooney's 12 years of service, in which Everton Rooney's only other professional club provided the opposition.

The evening was largely as dull as ditchwater (didn't testimonials used to be fun?) as the two teams played out a po-faced, competitive encounter that ultimately finished goalless.

Leicester City: Ahmed Musa Roasts Barcelona Defence To Score Consolatory Corker In Friendly Defeat (Video)

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After taking onthe likes of Lincoln City, Mansfield Town and Birmingham City last summer, Leicester City have found themselves mixing in altogether loftier circles this time round, with participation in the International Champions Cup affording theFoxes bigpre-season ties against Celtic, PSG and Barcelona.

La Liga Will Fine Any Club Whose Stands Are Seen To Be Less Than 75% Full During Televised Matches

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As of the start of the new season, La Liga will be able to fine any club whose stands are seen to be less than 75% full during televised matches.

The regulationswill only apply to stands that are visible on television, because the way it looks is much more important than the way it functions.

Man Utd: Bayern Munich CEO Karl-Heinz Rummenigge Isn’t Keen On The Way Bastian Schweinsteiger Is Being Treated By Jose Mourinho

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Blink twice if you're being held against your will

The way it's being spun by all and sundry, you could be forgiven for thinking that Jose Mourinho's first act as Manchester United manager was to lock Bastian Schweinsteiger in anunlit subterraneandungeon at Old Trafford and force him to exist on thin grueland any condensation he's able to lick from the walls.

Dynamo Kiev’s New Home Kit Features Some Lovely Traditional Ukrainian Embroidery (Photos)

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Photo: FC Dynamo Kiev/Facebook

Dynamo Kiev have unleashed their new home strip for the new season and, by 'eck, is it a Bobby Dazzler.

As you've probably noticed by now, Dynamo's new home shirt features a swatch of traditional Ukrainian embroidery around the neck thus giving it that authentic 'ethnic' feel and furthermore lending Adidas' now-familiar template a tinge of individual identity.

Ouch: Bordeaux New-Signing Jeremy Menez Loses Part Of Ear After Accidental Clash In Friendly v Lorient

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Jeremy Menez endured a rather painful start to his career with Ligue 1 club Bordeauz, with the former AC Milan attacker losing part of his right ear after an horrific accident.

Menezmade the move back to Ligue 1 from Milanat the start of August and made his debut for Bordeaux against Lorient on Wednesday.

Official: Man City Complete £27m Deal To Sign Gabriel Jesus From Palmeiras, Big Arrival Delayed Until 2017

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Man City now have completing a £27million deal to bring prodigal Brazilian striker GabrielFernando de Jesus in from Palmeiras.

The transfer marks the second coming of Jesus at the Etihad, following the holy arrival of Señor Navas several years back.

Anyway, the 19-year-old, who was named"best newcomer" in the 2015 Campeonato after scoring 15 goals in 19 appearances, has today signed an agreement that will see him pitch up at Cityin January of 2017, with his contract thereonextending to the 2020/21 season.

Man Utd: Paul Pogba Tells Fans In New York He’s Staying With Juventus (Video)

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On a trip to New York, Manchester United target Paul Pogba has told fans that he's apparently staying with Juventus.

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Pogbawas expected to move to Old Trafford for a world-record fee of £100million in a deal which would see the French international pick up a tidy£275,000 a week.

Reports: Julian Draxler Declares Intention To Leave Wolfsburg As Arsenal Continue To Hover

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If this morning's transfer tittle-tattle is to be believed, Julian Draxler has informed Wolfsburg that he would like to try his hand elsewhere.

Having only signed last July, Draxler still has four years left to run on his contract at Wolfsburg but, as revealed in an interview with Bild, the 22-year-old forward has an agreement in place that would allow him to talk with "top international clubs" should they come a-sniffin'.

Shit Football Ink: Super-Ref Mark Clattenburg Gets Tattoos Of Champions League Trophy And Euro 2016 Logo (Photos)

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One of a small band of 'super refs', Mark Clattenburg has got himself a tattoo of the Champions League trophy after overseeing the 2016 final between Real Madrid and Atletico Madrid.

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Clattenburg, who also refereed the Euro 2016 final as well as the FA Cup final, got inked on his wrist in California and it's quite a sight.

Irish Side Dundalk FC Make Champions League History With Heroic 3-0 Qualifying Win Over BATE Borisov (Highlights)

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Dundalk made history last night by becoming the first League of Ireland side to make it into the Champions League play-off rounds.

A herculean effort saw Dundalk overturn a 0-1 first-leg deficit to beat BATE Borisov 3-0 in Tallaght and 3-1 on aggregate, thus ensuring the Irish side at least one more Champions League fixture this season which, even if they lose, would see them wind up in the Europa League group stages.

Shit Football Ink: 20 Of The Worst Footballer’s Tattoos Ever Committed To Skin (Photos)

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He's even included the trademark symbol for crying out loud!

As a doff of the cap to Mark Clattenburg's outstanding new UEFA-approved tattoos, Pies deemed now to be as good a time as any to examine some of the very worst, most misguided examples of footballing body art to have been committed toepidermis in recent years.

Youth Gone Wild: USA And Bahrain U19s Spark Mass Brawl After Ball Kicked At Player’s Head

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A clash between the USA and Bahrain in the COTIF under-19 tournament in Spain produced a rather juicy mass brawl, after a Bahrain player lashed the ball at the head of an injured American.

The incident happened after the USA's Pierre Da Silva was brought down half-way inside his own half. As the player lay on the ground, a Bahrain player fired the ball into Da Silva's head, a move which infuriated the Americans and set off a mass brawl.

10 Premier League Players In Desperate Need Of A Big Season

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With the Premier League currently defrosting on the kitchen sideboard ahead of the big re-thaw the weekend after next, Pies thought we'd run the rule over a tensome ofoff-the-boil players who are in dire need of putting in a big'n.

Without further ado, in we doth delve...

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Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (Arsenal): While there's no need to be over-dramatic (he's still only 22, after all), The Ox needs to start convincing folkthat he's more than just the undisputed prince of the pre-season, zero pressure wonder goal and start bedding himself in properly at Arsenal.

Departing Sevilla Captain Coke Gives The Saddest Farewell Press Conference Of All Time (Video)

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Having madewell over 100 appearances and won three Europa League titles in five years at the club, it was announced very recently that Sevilla club captain Jorge Andujar Moreno more commonly known as Coke will be moving on to pastures new this week.

Coke's departure is part of a mass exodus being overseen by new Sevilla coach Jorge Sampaoli who, after sanctioning the sales of Ever Banega,Jose Antonio Reyes, Grzegorz Krychowiak, Ciro Immobile and Kevin Gameiro, is currently knee-deep in the process of flushing out the old squad and replacing it with one of his choosing.

West Ham Salute Their Industrial Roots With Special One-Off ‘Thames Ironworks’ Commemorative Kit (Photos)

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Photo: @whufc_official/Twitter

What you're looking at their is the special, one-off kit that West Ham will be wearing when they take on Juventus in their first game at the Olympic Stadium this weekend.

The natty navy bluecommemorative strip is inspired by that worn by the amateur club from which West Ham sprung 116 years ago, namely Thames Ironworks FC.

Official: Leroy Sane Completes £37m Man City Move, Signs Five-Year Deal At Etihad

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City bring a lad in: Sane

The deed is done. As of this morning, Leroy Sane isofficiallya Man Cityemployee after completing his protracted £37million move from Schalke.

The 20-year-old German winger has signed a five-year deal with City and will wear the No.19 shirt.

It's time to #WelcomeLeroy to City!

Ipswich vs Tranmere: Come All Ye Faithful And Marvel At This Mesmerisingly Crap Passage Of 90’s Football (Video)

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They don't make 'em like that any more

There can benothing finer in this world that a satisfyingly crap passage of 90's football and the examplewe've stumbled across today is one of the very crappest.

Theparticular vignette in question came during a lively old First Division ding-dong between Ipswich Town and Tranmere Rovers circa 1995/96.

Chelsea Midfielder John Obi Mikel Officially Changes His Name

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Finally, some real football news to get stuck into.

It's been a source of much mystery for many a year but today John Obi Mikel has sought to nip the confusion surrounding his name by legally and officially changing it.

Indeed, hewill no longer be known as John Obi Mikel. Henceforth, he will go by a new name a better name.

Reports: Wales And Swansea Captain Ashley Williams Set For £10m Move to Everton

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Recent summers have seen Swansea defender Ashley Williams linked with a number of Premier Leaguie heavyweights and now the Wales captain looks to set to finally leave the Liberty Stadium, with Everton his reported destination.

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Williamsjoined Swansea from Stockport County for £300,000 in 2008, going on to make over 300 appearances and developing into one of the most reliable centre-halves in the top-flight.

‘No Respect’ – Bastian Schweinsteiger’s Brother Hits Out At Man Utd Boss Jose Mourinho Over German Legend’s Shoddy Treatment

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Bastian Schweinsteiger's brother Tobias has had a dig at Jose Mourinho on Twitter after the Manchester United boss apparently banished the German and Bayern Munich legend to the reserves.

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With Paul Pogba set to follow the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic andHenrikh Mkhitaryan to Old Trafford this summer, Mourinho has started his summer clear-out, with Schweinsteiger, who was only a bit-part player for United last season, reportedly told hecan leave.

Xavi Donates His Yacht To Sea Rescue Charity Assisting With The Mediterranean Refugee Crisis

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Proving once again that he's what the people of Spainrefer to as "a good huevo", Xavi has donated an entire yacht to charity in a bid to raise fundsfor those affected by the ongoing Syrian refugee crisis.

According to AS, Xavi has given the nine-metre vessel to Barcelona-based sea rescue organisationProActiva Open Arms and told them to auction it off as they continue their operations off the coast of Lesbos, Libya and in the wider Mediterranean.

‘Wolves Are The Biggest English Club In Italy’ – New Boss Walter Zenga Kicks Off First Press Conference With Truly Audacious Claim

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As you may or may not be aware, Kenny Jackett was bumped by Wolves' new owners over the weekend and replaced with Walter Zenga.

The Championship side were bought out by a Chinese conglomerate in mid-July, who promptly set about ushering in a new age of stability at Molineux by hiring a coach who has been employed by 16 different clubs over the course of his 18-year managerial career.

‘Failed Manager, F**ked Pundit’ – Aston Villa Owner Tony Xia Absolutely Rips Into Ian Holloway Over Pessimistic Predictions

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Ian Holloway has incurred the wrath of Aston Villa's new owner, Dr Tony Xia, after predicting that his team would finish in the bottom half of the Championship this season.

In his guise at Sky Sports' in-house Football League analyst, Holloway bashed out a predicted Championship table for the 2016/17 campaign which came complete with a less than stellar forecast for Villa, who he had washing up in 16th place after struggling to adapt to life in the second tier.

Man Utd: Ryan Giggs Once Tore A Strip Off Young Cristiano Ronaldo For Drinking Coke At Breakfast

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It would appear that things got a little fractiousbetween Ryan Giggs and Cristiano Ronaldo on the odd occasion at Manchester United, specifically during the latter's early years at Old Trafford.

Indeed, according to ananecdote being attributed to ex-United teammateOle Gunnar Solksjaer, Giggs felt compelled to take the brash Portuguese urchin to task at least once for heinous breakfast-related lapses of professional conduct.

MLS: Sebastian Giovinco Provides Exquisite Assist By Sending Beautiful Curler In Off Toronto Teammate’s Backside (Video)

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Toronto FC consigned Columbus Crew to their ninth-straight winless game with a 3-0 spanking in MLS on Sunday evening, with Sebastian Giovinco once again proving instrumental for the Canadian marauders.

The diminutive Italian midfielder pitched in with a goal and two assists over the course of the night, with the first 'assist' of the night proving to be a thing of great beauty.

‘It’s Pointless Taking Up A Spot Just Because I’m Reliable’ – James Milner Mulls Over His England Future

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James Milner has revealed that he is seriously considering retiring from international football after finding himself barely involved at Euro 2016.

While demoralised by his experiences (or lack thereof) in France, Milner is also willing to step aside in a selfless act to help clear the way for England's emerging Under-21 talent.

‘He’s Currently In Manchester’ – Schalke All But Confirm Leroy Sane Has One Foot Through The Door At Man City

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Photo: @Schalke04/Twitter

Schalke 04 have all but confirmed that Leroy Sane is on the very cusp of completing his long-mooted transfer to Man City.

The Bundesliga side revealed that the nippy little forward has not travelled to Austria with the rest of the squad for a pre-season training camp and has instead made his way to Manchester to undergo his City medical.

‘The Greatest 15 Minutes Of My Life’ – Kim Kallstrom’s Account Of His Brief Arsenal Career Will Warm Your Cold, Cynical Cockles

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In the grand scheme of things, Kim Kallstrom's ever-so-brief stint as an Arsenal player in 2014 is fairly unlikely to go down as anything more than a blip of a footnote in the club's grand history.

The Swedish midfielder signed on loan from Spartak Moscow in the final few hours of transfer deadline day of January, 2014.