Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2016

South Africa: Baroka FC Goalkeeper Scores Incredible Last-Minute Bicycle-Kick Equaliser (Video)

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While the sight of a goalkeeper ambling forward in desperate hope of a last-minute goal from a corner is a relatively common sight. However, on Wednesday against Orlando Pirates, Oscarine Masuluke, goalkeeper of South African side Baroka FC took it to a whole new level.

With the visiting Pirates 1-0 up and just seconds of the South African Premier Division game left, Masuluke came up for a corner, before executing an incredible overhead kick which rocketed into the back of the net.

Genetic Engineering: Enzo Zidane, Son Of Zinedine, Scores With First Shot For Real Madrid (Video)

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A youthful Real Madrid side put third-tierCultural Leonesa to the sword in the Copa Del Rey on Wednesday evening, winning 6-1 in a game which saw Enzo Zidane, the son of manager Zinedine net his first senior goal for Los Merengues with hsi first shot.

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Madrid were already 3-0 up, courtesy of a brace from Dominican Republic international debutante Mariano and a header from James Rodriguez, when the 21-year debutante Zidane netted courtesy of a fine strike, just 18 minutes after coming on as a half-time sub.

Brazilian Clubs Petition For Chapecoense To Be Immune From Relegation For Next Three Years

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Brazilian football is rallying around Chapecoense in the aftermath of the terrible air crash that claimed the lives of 76 members of the club's playing staff, coaches, executives and associated journalists on Monday night.

Firstly, the team they were scheduled to face in the final of the Copa Sudamerican on Wednesday evening, Atletico Nacional, have requested that CONMEBOL award the trophyto Chapecoense.

FAIL: After Several Minutes Of Planning, Polish Side Puszcza Niepolomice Execute Bloody Awful Free-Kick Routine (Video)

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Puszcza Niepolomice ended up losing 2-0 toPogon Szczecin in the quarter-finals of the Polish Cup on Tuesday night and, if theirattempts at set-piece ingenuity are anything to go by, the result didn't come as much of a surprise.

Already trailing after just 10 minutes, Puszcza won themselves a freekick in an advanced position.

Non-League: Two Hardcore Fans Make 260-Mile Trip To Watch North Ferriby Lose To Chester On Freezing Tuesday Night (Photo)

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Proving once again that non-league football is where the real heroes reside, a travelling contingent of just two count 'em, two North Ferriby supporters braved the sub-zero temperatures to watch their side on Tuesday night.

The stout and hearty duo embarked on a260-mile round trip from the east coast of Northern England to the west to watch the National League's bottom club take on Chester ina near-deserted stadium.

Gareth Southgate Set To Be Appointed As Lowest Paid England Manager In 16 Years

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As if you hadn't cottoned on, it's being widely reported this morning that the FA are all set to ensure four more years of trenchant mediocrity by officially appointing Gareth Southgate as the new England manager.

Having come through a four-game interim apprenticeship unbeaten, Southgate has now signed a four-year contract to take over on a permanent basis.

EFL Cup: Ben Woodburn Becomes Liverpool’s Youngest-ever Scorer As Reds Beat Leeds 2-0 (Photos & Video)

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At the ripe old age of 17 years and 45 days, Ben Woodburn became Liverpool's youngest-ever scorer at Anfield on Tuesday night, after the substitute netted a second-half goal against Leeds in the League Cup.

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In only his second senior appearance for Liverpool, the Welsh youth international Woodburn made the most of his 23 minutes on the pitch, mustering a total of three shots, including his historic goal which beat the previous record for youngest Liverpool scorer held by TV pundit drone Michael Owen byaround 100 days.

Fenerbache Flog ‘Moussa Sow’ Shirts With Upside-Down Names After Striker Scores Series Of Overhead Kicks (Photos)

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Fenerbahce have made a special customisation to Moussa Sow's replica shirt on the back of the striker's recent spate of acrobatic goals.

Indeed, with Sow having scored spectacular overhead kicks against Manchester United and Rizespor in recent weeks, Fener have altered his shirt accordingly turning the name and number around to suit a forward who seems to spend most of his time upside-down.

Chapecoense: 76 People Reported Dead As Plane Carrying Brazilian Team Crashes In Colombia

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Dreadful news is emanating from Colombia this morning that aplane carrying Brazilian team Chapecoense crashed overnight while en route to Medellin airport, killing almost everybody on board.

Colombian police have sinceconfirmed that from a total of 81, only five people survived the crash, which happened in the mountainous area of La Union, around 20 miles from the airport.

Sky Sports Drop Eric Bristow After Darts Pundit Refers To Football’s Child Sex Abuse Victims As ‘Wimps’

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Sky Sports havedroppedEric Bristow after the former darts champion made some depressingly boorish comments about the footballers involved in the ongoing child sex abuse scandal.

Bristow took to Twitter on Monday to share his thoughts on the matter, asking why the "wimpy" footballers in question didn't merely man up and "sort out the poofs" responsible for the monstrous abuse they were exposed to as children.

Missing Men: XI Premier League Summer Transfers You’ve Already Forgotten About

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As the six-monthly turnover of players continues to swell, it's becoming increasingly easy to lose track of the flotsam and jetsom circulating through the Premier League.

To that end, Pies thought we'd provide a handy recapof several summer acquisitions that have made so slight an impact that you've probably already let their transfers slip from your memory.

Tony Pulis Ordered To Pay Crystal Palace £3.7m After ‘Deceiving’ Tribunal Panel

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Tony Pulis has been ordered to pay £3.7million to former side Crystal Palace after being found guilty of trying to 'deceive' the tribunal that took place after he left Selhurst Park in 2014.

As you may recall, Pulis quit his post at Palacejust two days before the start of the 2014/15 season (on 14th August) after staving off relegation the season previous, but still requested he be paid his£2million 'survival bonus'.

Arsenal: Theo Walcott Reveals He’s One Goal Away From Bagging Himself A Swanky New Coffee Machine

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The pride on Theo Walcott's face was almost tangible when the Arsenal forward tucked away his side's second goal against Bournemouth on Sunday afternoon.

Now you may have been lulled into assuming that Walcott's beaming smile and 'cradle' goal celebration were in direct correlationto the arrival of his baby son Arlo, born a matter of hours before kick-off.

Atletico Madrid Fan Suing Mark Clattenburg For ‘Moral Damage’ Caused By Allowing Sergio Ramos’ Goal To Stand In Champions League Final

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One poor, jilted Atletico Madrid fan is attempting to bring legal action against UEFA due to the "moral damage" he was subjected to while watching his team lose to Real Madrid in last season's Champions League Final.

The supporter, Jose Antonio Campon, is suing UEFA after referee Mark Clattenburg failed to rule out Sergio Ramos' opening goal for offside in the San Siro.

Turkey: Moussa Sow Scores With Deft Bicycle Kick for Fenerbahce v Rizespor (Video)

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The Turkish Super Ligis always good for a decent goal or two and at the weekend, Fenerbahce's Moussa Sow banged in another lovely effort, courtesy of a nifty overhead kick against Rizespor.

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The goal camein Fenerbahce's 5-1 thumping of Rizespor at theRize Atatürk Stadium, with the scores at 1-1.

Palmeiras Stalwart Ze Roberto Wins Brazilian Serie A Title At The Grand Old Age Of 42

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Sunday night saw Palmeiras pick up the single point they needed to secure theCampeonato Brasileiro Serie A title, with a 1-0 victory over Chapecoense handing the big cup to the team in green.

As well as reducing inbound Man City striker Gabriel Jesus to tears, the win saw veteran midfielder Ze Roberto pick up his 17th domestic trophyat the grand old age of 42.

Manchester United: Julia Roberts Given VIP Tour Of Old Trafford By Her Old Mucker, Michael Carrick (Photos)

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Do not adjust your sets, for that really is Julia Roberts being given a guided tour of Manchester United's premises by her good friend Michael Carrick.

Apparently at the behest of her football-obssessed children, the Hollywood actress dropped intoOld Trafford to watch United's game against West Ham on Sunday afternoon.

Ligue 1: Toulouse Coach Pascal Dupraz Well And Truly Traumatised By Paper Plane Thrown From Crowd (Video)

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Given his reaction you'd be forgiven for thinking that Toulouse coach Pascal Dupraz had cheated death during Friday night's Ligue 1 tie with Rennes.

While stood in his technical area, a paper plane was thrown down from the crowd only to land perilously close to Dupraz with the sonic boom created by the jet's crash-landing causing him to spiral into delerium.

Aston Villa Settle Twitter Spat With ‘Social Media Grudge Match’ Against Virgin Trains XI (Photos)

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Photo: @AVFCOfficial/Twitter

Having found themselves embroiled in a (very) minor Twitter spat a couple of months ago, Aston Villaopted tosettle their beef mano a mano by sending a represetative XI to square off against Virgin Trains' works team.

It all began in the wake of Roberto Di Matteo's sacking in October, when Virgin seized their chance to engage in some corporate-approved social media banter with Villa.

Denmark: Silkeborg Coach Peter Sorensen Has A Sweet First Touch And No Mistakin’ (Video)

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Having made over 250 appearances forthe clubas a player, Silkeborg head coach Peter Sorensen proved there's still a little bit of magic in that thar right foot during last week's 3-0 win over Ejsborg in the Danish top flight.

Stood on the touchline, 43-year-old Sorensen suddenly found himself underneath a high, wayward clearance.

Draws, Drivel And Damning Statistics: Man Utd Make Worst Ever Premier League Start Amid Jose Mourinho’s Toxic Maelstrom

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It's now official. As of Sunday afternoon, Manchester have now made their worst ever start to a Premier League campaign and the statistics therein are most definitely of the 'damning' variety.

The point garnered from the fractious 1-1 draw with West Ham was only United's 20th of the season so far which, after 13 games, is what you might call fairly meagre especially for a vastly expensive team with designs on winning the title.

Man Utd: Jose Mourinho Sent To Stands Again As Red Devils Draw With West Ham At Old Trafford (Video)

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Jose Mourinho was sent to the stands at Old Trafford on Sunday, as Manchester United could only draw against West Ham, a result which leaves the Red Devils 11 points behind leaders Chelsea.

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Mourinho was dismiised by referee Jon Moss after hisreaction to a yellow card given to Paul Pogba for diving, with the Portuguese coach kicking a water bottle away (with impressive force!

Championship: Rotherham’s Peter Odemwingie Tweets Apology For Red Card While Match v Leeds Still Going On

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While the use of mobile phones has been severely restricted by the likes of Pep Guardiola at Manchester City, at Championship side Rotherham the policy seems to be a little bit more loose.

On Saturday, striker Peter Odemwingie was sent off in the Millers' 2-1 defeat against Leeds, only for the Nigerian to Tweet an apology while the game was still going on.

Liverpool: Jurgen Klopp Urges Anfield Crowd To Get Behind Team As Reds Leave It Late v Sunderland (Video)

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Liverpool the pressure on Chelsea at the top of the Premier League on Saturday, courtesy of a hard-fought 2-0 win at Anfield against a stubborn Sunderland side.

Jurgen Klopp was his usual animated self on the sidelines throughout the games, with the Reds' boss, unimpressed by the support of the Anfield faithful, desperately urging the home fans to get behind their team.

Leicester: Robbie Savage Loses It With Foxes Fan Who Calls For Claudio Ranieri Sacking On Phone-In Show (Video)

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Oh how fickle football fans can be! On BBC 5Live on Saturday evening, one Leicester phoned in to suggest that the Foxes should get rid of title-winning manager Claudio Ranieri and bring back none other than Nigel Pearson. Not surprisingly, co-host Robbie Savage was less than impressed.

The call came after Leicester's poor season continued, this time courtesy of a disappointing 2-2 draw with Middlesbrough.

Serie A: Udinese Captain Danilo Manages To Injure Three Teammates In One Training Session

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According to reports from Italy, Udinese captain Danilo Larangeira rather lost it during training recently, with his behaviour leaving not one, not two but three of his team-mates needing treatment.

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The Brazilian defender apparently went on a tough-tackling spree during a training session, with Iraqi international Ali Adnan, Venezuelan forward Adalberto Penaranda and Francesco Lodi all left injured and needing attention from the club's medical staff.

Europa League: Roma’s Diego Perotti Cancels Out Rabona Goal With Bloody Terrible Neck Tattoo (Photo & Video)

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Edin Dzeko scored a hat-trick (his 8th, 9th and 10th goals in 12 appearances so far this season) as Roma romped to a 4-1 victory over Viktoria Plzen to secure safe passage to the knock-out stages of the EuropaLeague last night.

However, the general consesus seems to be that Roma's other effort, scored by Diego Perotti, was the goal of the night being as though it came about via a cross-cum-shot-cum-definitely-a-cross in the rabona style.

‘He Was Nothing At All’ – El-Hadji Diouf Shares Few More Thoughts About Steven Gerrard On His Retirement

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Photo: Andrew Yates/AFP/Getty Images

As the great and the good of the football world lined up to lavish Steven Gerrard with praise on his retirement, it should come as no surprise that there was one lone voice of dissent amid the din.

That voice, you might have guessed, belonged to El-Hadji Diouf, who has seemingly made it his life's work to chastise Gerrard and fellow former Liverpool teammate Jamie Carragher at every possible juncture.

Scottish Referee Might Lose Politician Job After Choosing Real Madrid Match Over Parliamentary Meeting

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One of the Scottish officials on duty in the Champions League this week may end up losing his day job after ducking out to attendthe game between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid.

Douglas Ross, a Member of Scottish Parliament with the Conservatives, has received calls to be sacked after missing an important parliamentary committee meeting in order to run the line at the Jose Alvalade Stadium on Tuesday night.

Estudiantes: Juan Sebastian Veron Set To Come Out Of Retirement At The Grand Old Age Of 41

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Estudiantes have confirmed that Juan Sebastian Veron is currently whipping himself back into shape in order to make his grand return to football at the age of 41.

Veron originally retired in 2014 to become chairman of his boyhood club but it would appear that the former Manchester United and Chelsea man has now had his fill of the boardroom and is keen to return to frontline duty.

Europa League: Wayne Rooney Becomes Man Utd’s Top European Scorer As Red Devils Rout Feyenoord (Photos & Video)

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Wayne Rooney netted his 39th goal in European football for Manchester United at Old Trafford on Thursday night, as the hosts produced a fine display which handing Jose Mourinho his biggest victory since taking charge of the club.

Rooney, the subject of much criticism in recent weeks over his off-field behaviour,produced a superb overall display, capped by a record-breaking opening goal.

Official: Joleon Lescott Released By AEK Athens Just 87 Days After Signing For Them

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Just 87 days after he signed it, Joleon Lescott has had his AEK Athens contract pulped.

The former England defender, 34, put pen to paper on a two-year deal with the Greek side back in Athens but leaves today having made preciselyfour appearances for them...

AEK FC and Joleon Lescott mutual agreed the termination of his contract.

Donald Trump’s Thanksgiving Message To America Features Surprise Appearance From Andy Cole (Video)

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In his guise as President-elect, Donald Trump has taken the time to deliver a heartfelt Thanksgiving message to his loyal US subjects-to-be.

Perhaps a little more confoundingwas an appearance in the accompanying video of former Manchester United striker Andy Cole, whose image popped uphalf-way through for no immediately discernible reason.

Retro Football: 19-Year-Old Steven Gerrard Scores His Very First Goal For Liverpool, 1999 (Video)

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Having made his senior debut almost exactly a year previous, 19-year-old Steven Gerrard finally got off the mark for Liverpool in a 4-1 thrashing ofbottom side Sheffield Wednesday in December of 1999.

On what was a bitterly cold afternoon at Anfield, Gerrard only starting due to a raft of injuries in Gerard Houllier's midfield ranks finally reintroduced blood to the extremities of the 40,000-odd Reds fans in attendance when the local lad from down the roadwent a-waltzing through the Wednesday defence to score his very first goal for the club.

Champions League: Lionel Messi Nets Brace And Deftly Dodges Scything Limbs Of Scott Brown As Barcelona Beat Celtic 2-0 (Video)

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Barcelona increased their lead at the top of Group C on Wednesday night, with a Lionel Messi brace helping the Catalan giants to a 2-0 against Celtic in Glasgow.

As well as netting two goals, Argentine wizard Messi also produced a bit of gymnastic brilliance to dodge a dangerously high challenge from Celtic hardman Scott Brown.

Running Man: Egyptian Striker Misses Penalty Then Jogs Off The Pitch In Embarrassment (Video)

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In which, while playing for Al Ittihad Alexandria in the Egyptian Premier League, one striker by the name of Youssef 'Obama' Ibrahim misses a penalty in the latter stages of a match and is so overcome by despair that he just flees the scene entirely.

In fact, after seeing his spot-kick repelled, Obama just keeps on running, past the goal, along the advertising hoardings, down the steps to the tunnel and right back to the dressing room.

CD Guijuelo Unveil Special Version Of ‘Meat Kit’ For Upcoming Cup Tie Against Atletico Madrid (Photos)

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Photo: @DaenSport/Twitter

Foolishly, you may be thinking that there was no possible way to improve on CD Guijuelo's inimitable (and utterly bonkers) 'Iberico ham-themed' strip.

Well, we're here to tell you that you're wrong. Dead wrong.

Indeed, to celebrate bagging a glamorous tie against Atletico Madrid in the Copa del Rey, the third-tier club have produced a special version of their meat kit.

Charlton Athletic: Karl Robinson Agrees To Become Roland Duchatelet’s Seventh Future Ex-Manager

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Charlton Athletic have announced that Karl Robinson has been appointed as their new manager on a two-and-a-half year contract.

Robinson left MK Dons last month after six-and-a-half years at the club followinga slump in form saw the team drop to 19th in League One, falling well short of their expected promotion push.

Official: Steven Gerrard Confirms His Retirement From Professional Football

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Steven Gerrard has today announced that he has retired from professional football, aged 36.

Having left LA Galaxy last week, speculation was rife that Gerrard was mulling over player-coach roles with the likes of MK Dons, Celtic and former club Liverpool, but no his playing days are now officially over.

Asheville City: US Fourth-Tier Club Introduce New Replica Jersey Designed To Function As Season Ticket

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While you may argue that there's not much wrong with season tickets in their familiar card/booklet form, an American fourth-division amateur team would politely beg to differ.

Asheville City, who are set to join theNational Premier Soccer League in the 2017 season, have announced a pioneering paper-saving initiative that will see fans able to attendall of their home games provided they turn up wearing a specific shirt.

Champions League: Ricardo Quaresma Produces Swanky Rabona Assist As Beşiktaş Come From Three Goals Down To Draw With Benfica (Video)

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Beşiktaş came from three goals down to snatch a 3-3 draw away to Benfica on Wednesday night, with Portugual star Ricardo Quaresma's assist for the equaliser a thing of real showboating quality.

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Three first-half goals fromGanchinho Guedes, Cabral Semedo andLjubomir Fejsa had put the hosts in the driving seat in this pivotal Group B clash.

FIFA Bring Disciplinary Charges Against Wales For Allowing Fans To Wear Poppies In Crowd

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After launching probes into the various instances of rule-defying poppy display over the course of the international break, FIFA have today brought charges against the Football Associations of both Wales and Northern Ireland.

FIFA have specifically begun disciplinary proceedings against Wales pertaining to their 1-1 draw against Serbia on 12th November.

Ali Dia: Journalist Successfully Manages To Track Down Elusive Cult Hero, 20 Years After Legendary Southampton Debut

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Despite only ever playing less than an hour oftop flight football, there can be no doubt that Ali Dia is a Premier League legend in the truest sense of the word.

For the uninitiated (presuming there are any), Dia was signed by Graeme Sounness in 1996 after the shrewd Southampton manager received a personal tip-off from Dia's cousin, the similarly legendary George Weah, that the unknownSenegal forward, currently playing in the local non-leagues,was well worth a gamble.

Barnet Youngster Nets Classic Halfway Line Thumper During Youth Clash With Enfield (Video)

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We all love a goal struck from the halfway line and during a youth game involving Barnet and Enfield Town this week, the sparse crowd at the Hive Stadium witnessed a cracking long-range effort from Bees' full-back Joe Payne.

The goal came during Barnet's Middlesex Senior Challenge Cup clash with Enfield, with Payne making the most of a poor clearance by the opposition 'keeper and firing home a perfectly placed effort from just inside the Enfield half which satisfyingly went in off the post.

MLS: Eastern Conference Final Kick-Off Delayed For Over 20 Minutes While Penalty Area Repainted (Video & Photos)

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Around 61,000 fans were stuck quite literally watching paint dry before last night's MLS Eastern Conference Final between Toronto FC and Montreal Impact.

This was because, just before kick-off, it was noted that the penalty areas at Montreal's Stade Olympique had been marked out three yards too narrow.

Celtic Boss Brendan Rodgers Gently Derides Journalist For Asking ‘Worst Question’ He’s Ever Faced (Video)

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With his mind already swimming at the mere thought of having to navigate Celtic through a Champions League game against Barcelona, manager Brendan Rodgers was left well and truly stumped by a baffling question pitted in his pre-match press conference.

The bemusement was apparent on Rodgers' face as the journalist responsible who, in fairness, was obviously speaking in his second language embarked on a long and meandering question about Lionel Messi and the Loch Ness monster.

Here’s A Lovely Little Vignette About Cristiano Ronaldo Meeting Young Fans In Sporting Lisbon’s Press Zone

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As you may be aware, a certain prodigal son returned to Sporting Lisbon last night, with Cristiano Ronaldo afforded VIP status for the duration of Real Madrid's visit to the JoseAlvalade.

Of course, Ronaldo played a prominent part in Madrid's 2-1 win but it was after the game, in the UEFA-sanctioned mixed zone (for press) that the Portuguese superstar really shone.

Two Norwegian Teams Decide To Test Alcohol’s Effect On Football By Playing While Massively Drunk (Video)

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Strictly in the name of science, two Norwegian amateur football teams voluntarily chose to test the effect that alcohol had on their collective abilities.

As such, all of the players got absolutely rat-arsed before kick-off, with the decidedly unprofessional pre-game warm-up featuring a heady mix of beer, wine, spirits, junk food, vomit and minor pocketsof fighting.

Ex-Referee Howard Webb Claims Players Actively Sought Yellow Cards To Ensure They’d Be Suspended Over Christmas

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Ex-Premier League referee Howard Webb has claimed there were instances when players would deliberately seek yellow cards to ensure they got out of doing the Christmas shift.

Webb, who retired in 2014 to become the technical director of the Professional Game Match Officials Board, sort of semi-revealed hefelt a couple of players had tried to milk intentional bookings out of him in order to rule themselves out over the festive period the Boxing Day fixture especially.

Champions League: New-Boys Leicester Ease Into Last 16 After 2-1 Win v Brugge (Video)

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Leicester City have taken like a duck (or fox?) to water in the Champions League, with the Premier League champions making light work of the group stages in their maiden campaign.

On Tuesday, the Foxes secured a deserved 2-1 home win against Club Brugge to reach the heady heights of the knockout stages.

Champions League: Hugo Lloris Heroics Can’t Save Tottenham As Lilywhites Crash Out v Monaco (Video)

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Tottenham's Champions League dreams came to a crushing halt on Tuesday, with the Lilywhites losing 2-1 away at Monaco, a result which sees them now unable to qualify for the last 16.

However, once again, despite the poor result, goalkeeper Hugo Lloris produced a superb solo performance which included one of the saves of the season.

‘They Sent It To The Wrong Congo’ – Benik Afobe Reveals Paperwork Error Led To His International Debut Being Delayed

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Having represented England from Under-16 to Under-21 level, Benik Afobe recently decided to switch his senior international allegiance to the Democratic Republic of Congo, for whom he qualifies through his parents.

Indeed, the 23-year-old Bournemouth striker was hoping to play his way into DR Congo's Africa Cup of Nations squad, and was even called into the fold for a recent qualifying game against Guinea.

Besiktas Fans To Perform Champions League’s First Ever ‘Silent Cheer’ Solely Using Sign Language

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Ahead of Wednesday night's Champions League fixture, Besiktas are asking their fans to engage in football's first ever 'silent cheer'.

In a video posted ontheir official Twitter account, Besiktashave asked supporters to fall silent for the first minute of the match against Benfica in order to perform a special message using sign language.

Champions League: PSG Defender Serge Aurier Ruled Out Of Arsenal Clash After Being Refused Entry To UK

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PSG will have to do without Serge Aurier for Wednesday night's Champions League clash with Arsenal after the right-back was refused entry into the UK.

According to BBC Sport, Aurier will be forced to miss the game at the Emirates after having his entry VISArevoked by UK authorities.

This is because the 23-year-old Ivory Coast international was given a two-month suspended prison sentence in September for elbowing a police officer outside a nightclub back in May.

UEFA: Joe Allen, Gareth Bale And Aaron Ramsey Nominated For Team Of The Year But No Englishmen Included

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UEFA have released their list of 40 nominees for the 2016 Team of the Season, with Wales rewarded for their super Euro 2016 campaign by snaffling three inclusions, courtesy of Joe Allen, Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey.

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England's dismal failure in the competition means that they miss out completely on the list, although the exclusion of Leicester City hitman Jamie Vardy is a bit of a surprise after his goals fired the Foxes to an unlikely Premier League title.

Man Utd Fans Spent Friday Night Hiding In Old Trafford Toilets In Attempt To Sneak Into Arsenal Match

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Two Manchester United fans spent their Friday night hiding in a toilet at Old Trafford in order to sneak into the game against Arsenal the following afternoon.

According to BBC Sport, the pair had been on a stadium tour but managed to veer off from the main group and set up base camp in one of the toilets en route.

FIFA: Lionel Messi, Neymar And Hal Robson-Kanu All Included On Shortlist For 2016 Puskas Awards (Video)

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It's that time of year again and FIFA have cobbled together their pickof the 10 most beautiful goals scored to form the shortlist for the 2016 Puskas Award.

This year's rundown features goals scored in Malaysia, Sweden and Venezuela, with Lionel Messi, Neymar and Hal Robson-Kanu among the more establishednames to make the cut.

‘You Usually Only Get This After You Die’ – Zlatan Ibrahimovic To Be Honoured With Statue Outside Swedish National Stadium

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic is to be honoured with a large statue outside Sweden's national football stadium after the Manchester United striker was presented with the11th Guldbollen award of his career on Monday evening.

The Guldbollen (i.e, Gold Ball) is awarded to Sweden's top male football player.

FAIL: Truly Outstanding Open-Goal Miss As Serbian Player Sticks It Over Crossbar From 30cm Out (Video)

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Admittedly, it's easy to succumb to hyperbole whenever fluffed sitterscrop up, but you must simply believe us when Pies tell you we think we've stumbled across the WORST missed sitter of all time here.

Details are scant, but we know it came duringa recent game in the Belgrade Zone League, which makes up part of the fourth tier of Serbian football.

Retro Football: Hideously Ugly Goalmouth Scramble Sees Man City Rescue Dramatic FA Cup Draw Against Blackpool, 1988 (Video)

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Paul Lake of Manchester City (Photo: MEN)

There were almost two full divisions between the sides when Man City travelled up to Bloomfield Road for anFA Cup fourth round tie against Blackpool in January of 1988.

Still, it was the Seasiders who drew first blood when young striker Richard Sendall – who had been told he was free to leave the club on a free transfer the week previous scored to put the Third Division side ahead.

UEFA: Joe Allen, Gareth Bale And Aaron Ramsey Nominated For Team Of The Year But No Englishmen Included

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UEFA have released their list of 40 nominees for the 2016 Team of the Season, with Wales rewarded for their super Euro 2016 campaign by snaffling three inclusions, courtesy of Joe Allen, Gareth Bale and Aaron Ramsey.

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England's dismal failure in the competition means that they miss out completely on the list, although the exclusion of Leicester City hitman Jamie Vardy is a bit of a surprise after his goals fired the Foxes to an unlikely Premier League title.

England: FA Take No Action Against Adam Lallana And Jordan Henderson Over ‘Strip Club’ Reports

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In an usual change of pace for the organisation, the FA have confirmed that they won't be taking any action against Adam Lallana and Jordan Henderson over reports the pair visited a strip club while on international duty.

Lallana and Henderson both found themselves dragged into the tabloid mire in the wake of Wayne Rooney's scandalous visit to the England team's hotel bar just 24 hours after last Friday's win over Scotland.

Ex-Inter Milan Star Wesley Sneijder Admits He Still Hankers To Play For ‘Legendary’ AC Milan

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Having represented Inter Milan for four years, Wesley Sneijder has taken the risky tack of admitting that he'd rather have spent that timeplaying for AC Milan.

Speaking before Sunday's Derby della Madonnina between the two great rivals, Sneijder who made 76 appearances for Inter between 2009 and 2014 before leaving under a cloud admitted that he only ever dreamed of playing for the Rossoneri as a boy.

Feyenoord Fans Use Sparklers To Perform Special Tribute To Late Mother Of Midfielder Tonny Vilhena (Video)

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There were truly touching scenes in the Eredivisie on Sunday when thousands of Feyenoord fans put on a special display of solidarity for midfielder Tonny Vilhena, who recently lost his mother.

The supporters used sparklers to illuminate De Kuip as Vilhena came out onto the pitch before the game against PEC Zwolle.

League One: Fluorescent Kit Clash Sees Peterborough Midfielder Michael Bostwick Accidentally Pass To Steward (Video)

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Having made the 40-milejaunt down the A605, Peterborough donned their fluorescent yellow away kit for Saturday's League One clash with local-ish rivals Northampton.

Sadly, their snazzy hi-vis strip proved to be their undoing well, specifically the undoing of veteran midfielder Michael Bostwick, who fell foul of a touchline colour clash when he expertly picked out the overlapping run of a matchday steward.

Arsenal: Hector Bellerin Signs Enormous New Contract Worth £100,000-A-Week

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Word on the wire is that after several weeks of negotiations, Hector Bellerin has gone and signed an enormous new contract at Arsenal.

As confirmed by the Evening Standard, Bellerin has agreed a six-and-a-half-year deal that will see his earnings boosted to £100,000 every seven days.

EXCLUSIVE: Hector Bellerin puts pen to paper on six-and-a-half year #Arsenal deal | @JamesOlley https://t.

Danish Superliga: FC Midtjylland Goalkeeper Sees Goal-Kick Blown Back By Wind, Gets Penalised For Catching Ball (Video)

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While storms were battering the south coast of England this weekend, the wind was playing havoc during the Danish Superliga clash between SønderjyskE and FC Midtjylland.

Midway through the second-half of the clash,Midtjylland 'keeper Johan Dahlin saw his goal-kick blown back into his own arms by a strong breeze, only to be penalised by the referee.

Serie A: Ex-Liverpool Winger Suso Scores Beauty In 165th Milan Derby (Video)

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The 165th Milan derby took place at the San Siro on Sunday night, with Vincent Montella's Milan side flying high in third place while 11th-placed Inter Milan took the field under new managerStefano Pioli.

Despite a strong start from the Nerazzurri, it was Milan who would take the lead, with Spaniard Suso producing an exquisite curled finish.

Mangled: Chris Kamara Makes Horrible Mess Of Bacary Sagna’s Name While Reporting For Sky Sports (Video)

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With mouth operating at twice the speed of brain as per, Chris Kamara endured another of his trademark 'episodes' while watchingthe Crystal Palace-Man City game for Sky Sports yesterday afternoon.

Attempting to utter the name of Bacary Sagna while reporting in from Selhurst Park, Kamara completely mangled the City full-back's name, resulting in scenes of a decidedly muddled nature.

Stadium Of Dark: Jermain Defoe Becomes Eighth Player To Score 150 Premier League Goals As Lights Go Out In Sunderland (Photos)

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Jermain Defoe netted his 150th Premier League goal on Saturday, as Sunderland secured a precious 3-0 home win against Hull.

However, the game was temporarily suspended in the second-half after, in the mother of all ironies, the lights went out at the Stadium of Light.

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Defoe netted his first-ever Premier League goal for West Ham in a 3-2 win over Ipswich on 28 October 2001.

Sweden: Henrik Larsson’s Son Jordan Attacked By Fans After Helsingborg Relegated For First Time In 23 Years (Video)

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Swedish side Helsingborg will play in the second-tier of Swedish football next season after the club, managed by ex-Celtic and Manchester United striker Henrik Larsson, were beaten 2-1 at home to Halmstads.

The defeat sparked ugly scenes with the club's ultras running onto the pitch and attacking Larsson's son Jordan, with the eejits ripping off the Helsingborg player's shirt.

Joy And Pain: Rio Ferdinand Posts Contrasting Reactions To Man Utd Draw With Arsenal On Instagram (Video)

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A below-par Arsenal fought back against Manchester United at Old Trafford on Saturday, with sub Olivier Giroud's late goal cancelling out a Juan Mata striker and earning a precious away point for the Gunners.

Ex-Man Utd star and TV pundit Rio Ferdinand posted his reactions to both goals on Instagram, reactions which sum up very nicely the joy and pain of being a football fan.

‘I Don’t Get The Respect Mr. Wenger Does’ – Jose Mourinho Files His Weekly Moan About This, That, And The Other

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With Manchester United set to host Arsenal in the Premier League's lunchtime kick-off tomorrow, Jose Mourinho has once again taken the opportunity to trot out his big game spiel.

This time, Mourinho has grumbled about the English press not affording him the same respect as they do Arsene Wenger despite the last title he won being '18 months ago, not 18 years.

Liverpool: New Zealand Rugby Team Perform Haka For Jurgen Klopp In The Canteen At Melwood (Video)

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Having made it through to the final of the 4 Nations at Anfield, the New Zealand rugby league team spent their Thursday limbering up and running into one another at Liverpool's training ground.

This led to a somewhat extraordinary scene wherein, after being presented with his own All-Blacks jersey, Jurgen Klopp was given a personal rendition of the Haka in the middle of the canteen at Melwood.

England: Wayne Rooney Was Ruled Out Of Spain Friendly After ‘Tripping Over Bottle Of Energy Drink’

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The most convoluted non-story to emerge from the international break has moved into its sixth day by taking an unsurprising turn for the slapstick.

With the national press steadfastly refusing to let it die, the latest fromThe Sun is that Wayne Rooney is to be stripped of the England captaincy for drinking on his night off specifically for defying Gareth Southgate's orders to call it quits.

‘I Feel Special At Torino’ – Joe Hart Certainly Sounds Like He’s Enjoying Himself In Italy

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Having joined Torino on loan amid something of a maelstrom back in August, it looks very much as though Joe Hart has settled quickly

Talking in an interview with La Stampaahead of the Turin derby, Hart discussed his first few months on Italian soilas well asthe peculiar circumstanceswhichresulted in him ending up playing his football (at least temporarily) in Serie A.

Shit Football Ink: 59-Year-Old Fan Gets ‘Ms Jose Mourinho’ Tattoo On Her Chest (Photo)

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Despite seeing his footballing fortunes droop a bit over the past season or two, for many, Jose Mourinho remains the 'Special One'. And for 59-year-old Viv Bodycote, her devotion for the Manchester United boss has led her to invest in a blooming great 'Ms. Jose Mourinho' tattoo on her chest.

Bodycote is a Mourinho-superfan who sleeps with a picture of the Portuguese coach next to her bed.

Liverpool: Hoffenheim Scout Reveals He Used Football Manager To Discover Robert Firmino

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The Hoffenheim scout responsible for plucking Roberto Firmino from the Brazilian second division has revealed that he initially discovered the midfielder using Football Manager.

The Germanclub initially ended up paying around £3.5million for the teenage Firmino in January of 2011 before selling him on to Liverpool at a significant mark-up (£29million) some four-and-a-halfyears later.

‘The Legends We Love Drank And Smoked Like Devils’ – Jurgen Klopp Defends Wayne Rooney For Boozing On His Night Off

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Photos: Getty Images

Jurgen Klopp has had his say on the Wayne Rooney non-issue that refuses to go away, with the Liverpool manager defending the England captain's extra-curricular night on the sherbert.

Rooney duly apologised to all and sundry after being photographed looking a little bleary at a wedding reception the night after England's recent 3-0 win over Scotland.

Toni Duggan Scores Cracker As Man City Women Make Champions League Quarter-Finals (Video)

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Manchester City's women's side reached the quarter-finals of the Champions Leagueon Wednesday night, after drawing their second leg last-16 clash with Brondby 1-1.

The goal of the game came courtesy of striker Toni Duggan, who fired home a superb second-half effort.

England: Joe Hart Did The ‘Mannequin Challenge’ All On His Lonesome Against Spain (Video)

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Pies havebeen pointedly trying to steer clear of the Mannequin Challenge of late, but even we curmudgeonly sticks in the mud found footage of Lonely Joe Hart's attempt amusing.

Indeed, while England teammates Jamie Vardy, Raheem Sterling and Theo Walcott all lulled everybody into thinking their teles had frozen afterthe former's goal against Spain on Tuesday night, Hart performed his own version of the viralchallenge up at the other end of the Wembley pitch.

Reports: Gareth Southgate To Be Appointed Permanent England Manager ‘By The End Of The Month’

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After coming through his four-match probationary interim period unscathed, it looks like Gareth Southgate is now rightly, you might say the leading contender to become the next full and proper England manager.

Indeed, the Guardian arecertain that The FA will present Southgate with a four-year, £1.

Shit Football Ink: Carlisle Fan Proudly Shows Off His Brand New Keith Curle Tattoo (Photo)

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Up until today, we merely took for granted that nobody out there in the great wide yonder had, or had even thought about having a tattoo of Keith Curle.

Alas,it turns out that we are but conceited fools.

Indeed, to celebrate "the mainman" turning 53 on November 14th, Carlisle fan Aidan delivered the perfect tribute an indellible portrait of the reigning League Two Manager of the Month about his bodily person.

Join Us In Praying That This ‘Van Gogh-Inspired’ Monstrosity Isn’t Holland’s New Home Shirt (Photo)

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A cursory flick back through the archives has shown that the Netherlands have never really suffered with a duff kit.

Sure, there have been some slightly drab incarnationsof the famous Oranje over the years, butthe Dutch have never actually endured what you might call a 'bad' strip.

Till now, that is.

Retro Football: ‘Table Of Shame’ Shows Ticket Prices For Inaugural Premier League Season, 1992/93 (Photo)

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The BBC have once again published the results of their annual 'Price of Football' study, which largely serves to prove that periodically rafflingoff visceral organs is the only way most fans can afford to watch their team play anymore.

That said, this year's study has found that almost two-third of ticket prices across the UK have either been frozen or reduced proving, at least in part, that some club's are trying to address the spiralling cost.

England: FA To Review Players ‘Free Time’ Policy After Wayne Rooney Apologises For ‘Boozy’ Tabloid Photos

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The FA plan to launch one of their famous root-and-branch reviews ofthe house ruleson how England players are allowed tospend their free time while on international duty.

This all comes after photos were sold to the tabloids reportedly showing a "boozy" Wayne Rooneylolling around at a wedding reception LESS THAN 24 HOURS after England's World Cup qualifying win over Scotland last Friday.

‘I’m So Disappointed In You’ – Crystal Palace Fan Posts Utterly Heart-Broken Response To John Salako’s ‘Brexit/Trump’ Tweet

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Though he was more synonymous with the left wing in his playing days, John Salako has today courted a ripple of consternation by emitting a Tweet in which the former Crystal Palace wideman mentioned the EU Referendum, Donald Trump and Gareth Southgate in the same breath.

Drawing parallels with Brexit and Trump, Salako speculated that the FA should hire Southgate as England manager on a permanent basis as it represented a sea change in terms of the established norm.

England: Late Spanish Goals Snatch Victory From Three Lions In 2-2 Wembley Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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Two late goals secured a draw for Spain at Wembley on Tuesday night, as Gareth Southgate's four-game interim stint as England boss came to a disappointing end.

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England started well and took the lead after just nine minutes, when Jamie Vardy was felled in the Spanish 'keeperby Jose Reina.

Andrej Kramaric Nets Stunner As Croatia End Northern Ireland’s Unbeaten Home Run (Video)

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Northern Ireland lost a home game for the first time in 11 games, as Croatia proved too strong for Michael O'Neill's mix-and-match side.

The pick of the visitors' goals at Windsor Park was Hoffenheim striker Andrej Kramaric's superb long-range piledriver, after goals from Mario Mandzukic and Duje Cop had already put the Croats 2-0 up.

Newcastle Coach Michael Antia Has ‘Geordie To English’ Translation Sheet Pinned Up In His Office (Photo)

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Squatting on top of the Championship, scoring goals for fun and unbeaten in their last nine games, all is rosy in the Newcastle United garden at the moment.

Indeed, it hasn'ttaken Rafa Benitez long to restore a sense of optimism and pride at St James' Park, though it would appear that there is still one aspect of life in the North East that his coaching are having a toughtime getting to grips with.

Lionel Messi Leads Argentina Teammates In Media Boycott Over Ezequiel Lavezzi ‘Marijuana’ Claims (Video)

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Lionel Messi has led his international teammates on a boycott of the Argentinian media after growing tired of their continued attempts to undermine the national side at every turn.

Not for the first time, Messi and co. were barracked in the press after losing 3-0 against Brazil in last week's World Cup qualifier, only to bounce back with a convincing win over Colombia in their very next game a result which moved the Albicelesteback into the play-off spot.

Tim Sherwood: Swindon ‘Director Of Football’ Confuses Everybody By Appearing To Take Over As Manager Mid-Game (Video)

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Having been hired as Swindon Town's new director of football last week, it would appear that nobody is more confused about Tim Sherwood's new role at Swindon Town than Tim Sherwood himself.

Having 'masterminded' a 3-0 league win over Charlton in his first game, Sherwood began last night's FA Cup first round replay against non-league Eastleigh by watching from the stands at the County Ground.

Official: EFL Abandon Plans For ‘Whole Game Solution’, Including Controversial ‘League 3’ Proposal

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As of this morning, the EFL have abandoned their "Whole Game Solution" scheme i.e, their grand plan to shake up the format of the entire Football League.

Included within the Whole Game Solution were proposals to reformat the pyramid to include 100 teams spread equally across five divisionsfrom the 2019/20 season onward.

Confederations Cup: Russia’s New 2017 Shirt Is Soviet-Styled And Rather Lovely (Photos)

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Photo: Adidas

Russia have just released their new kit for the 2017 Confederations Cup and it looks as though the hosts may just be the most smartly-turned out team at the ball.

Kit makers Adidas have taken style pointers from the Soviet kits of the 1980s and knocked out an absolute beauty (which, admittedly, doesn't look unlike the little red number Wales wore at Euro 2016).

Paul Pogba’s Dab Celebration Is Being Used As A Maths Question In French Schools (Photo)

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This is it. This kind of influence. This is what you pay the big bucks for.

According to HITC, Paul Pogba's trademark 'dab' goal celebration is being used as the basis for maths questions in French schools.

In a bid to make Pythagoras' theorem more relatable to les enfants, the exam board have dressed it up as a question about Cristiano Ronaldo being envious of the angles Pogba is able to achieve with his gangly limbs.

Man City Misfit Samir Nasri Discusses Intricacies Of Pep Guardiola’s Midnight Sex Curfew

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Instantly falling foul of Pep Guardiola's anti-chunk mantra, Samir Nasri soon found himself being loaned out to Sevilla for the season when the Spanish coach took over in the summer.

Having since shed his excess timber (amassed while recovering from a long-term injury last year), Nasri has since gone on to impress at his new club, scoring three goals in 10 appearances in all competitions for the Spanish side to date.

‘I’m Trying To Channel My Passion’ – Joe Hart Admits He Was Too Pumped Up To Save Anything At Euro 2016

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Joe Hart has admitted that his shortcomings at Euro 2016 were probably a result of being overly excited about the whole thing.

Despite all the pre-match tunnel bluster, the patriotic chest thumping and the national anthem bellowing, Hart dropped a couple of clangers as Roy Hodgson's dreary rabble went plummeting out in the group stages.

Kim Jong-Un Pledges To Produce North Korean Footballers Capable Of ‘Dominating The World’

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"He was f**king MILES offside, referee!"

It's been a while since North Korea last made an impact on the world football stage, with Pak Doo-ik's Italy-slaying heroics at the 1966 World Cup now but a fading memory.

However, supreme leader Kim Jong-Un is reportedly planning to reinstate North Korea as a footballing superpower by putting a grassroots plan into action that will see them begin to produce players of Lionel Messi's calibre.

England U21: Duncan Watmore And Lewis Baker Net Stunners But Young Lions Lose To France (Video)

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Aidy Boothroyd's England U21 side saw their 15-game unbeaten run come to an end on Monday night, with the Young Lions losing 3-2 to France in a friendly clash in Bondoufle.

However, both the England goals were crackers, with Sunderland striker Duncan Watmore opening the scoring via a superb chipped effort.

San Marino Press Officer Hits Back (With 10 Pithy Bullet Points) After Thomas Muller Complains About Having To Play Against Minnows

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San Marino have fired a return volley at Thomas Muller after the Germany forward questioned the relevance of having to play against them after Friday's World Cup qualifier between the two sides.

As was inevitable, the World champions walloped their hosts8-0, leadingMuller to complainthat "matches like [this one]have nothing to do with professional football.

Journeyman: Uruguayan Legend Sebastian ‘El Loco’ Abreu Sets New World Record With 28th Career Transfer

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It's fair to say that, during the course of his longcareer, Sebastian Abreu has never been overly concerned about putting down roots anywhere.

Indeed, the veteran Uruguayan striker has just set a new world record for the amount of career transfers made by a professional footballer.

The 40-year-old has just signed for Brazilian third-tier side Bangu AC the 28th completed transfer on his meandering CV.

MLS: Frank Lampard Confirms Plans To Depart New York City FC At End Of His Contract (i.e, January)

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Frank Lampard has confirmed that he is set to leave New York City FC upon the conclusion of his current contract.

For the record, the 38-year-old's deal expires at the end of 2016.

Despite being periodically besieged by injuries, Lampard did manage to score 15 goals in his31 appearances for NYCFC, including the club's first ever competitive hat-trick.

Reports: Newcastle United ‘Hold Talks’ Over Return Of Iconic 1990s Shirt Sponsor

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Fantastic news for anybody permanently living in the past i.e, all Newcastle fans with the word on the wire being that the club are "in talks" with Newcastle Brown Ale to reinstate the brewery as their principal shirt sponsor.

The iconic big blue star graced the Newcastle kitthroughout the 1980s and into the mid-to-late 1990s, featuring prominently during the club's last flush of success.

Non-League: Maidstone United Fans Keep Themselves Amused After Travelling 500 Miles To Watch Their Side Lose Against Southport (Photos)

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A travelling band of around 30 hardy Maidstone United fans made the 500-mile round tripto Southport to watch their side lose 3-2 in the National League on Saturday afternoon.

However, despite the defeat, the Maidstone supporters were able to keep themselves amused, engaging in a classic bit of pithy behaviour when requestedto remove the flags they'd affixed to the back row of the Southport stand.

Bedale AFC: English Amateur Team Unveil Marvellous New ‘Sausage-Themed’ Away Kit (Photo)

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Photo: Bedale Sports Club/Facebook

Following a trail blazed bywhat now feels like hundreds of lower league Spanish sides, English amateur club Bedale AFC have launched a brand new food-themed kit of their very own.

After landing a sponsorship deal with local sausage producers Heck, the Yorkshire (Porkshire?

Prodigious Chinese Under-10 Side Demonstrate Impressive Grasp Of Trick Corner Routines (Video)

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Here we see aChinese youth team, identified solely as "Shanghai Under-10", demonstrating their impressive, dare we say prodigious grasp of the trick corner concept.

Indeed, the young Shanghai side quickly dismantle their opponents with a couple of ingenious set plays, scoring twice in quick succession as a result.

‘It’s No Joke’ – Borussia Dortmund Insist Plans To Let Usain Bolt Train With Them Aren’t Just Puma PR Stunt

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Borussia Dortmund have confirmed they plan to allow Usain Bolt to train with them and that the ploy is in no way, shape or form a cynical marketing move.

It was reported by the Guardian over the weekend that Bolt had asked to practise with Dortmund, with many instantly writing if off as some form of Puma PR collusion.

Emotional Scenes As Mexican Second Tier Match Halted After One Minute To Pay Tribute To Player Fighting Cancer (Video)

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Photo: @murcielagosfc/Twitter

Saturday's Mexican second division match between Murcielago FC andTampico Madero was halted with just one minute on the clock so both sides could pay tribute to one of their number.

Murcielago forward Ezequiel 'Cheque' Orozco was recently diagnosed with cancer and, with him having to leave to undergo treatment, his teammates decided to give him a sentimental send-off.

World Cup Qualifying: Edin Dzeko Sent Off For Pulling Down Opponent’s Shorts During Bosnia v Greece Clash (Video)

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Edin Dzeko received a red card in rather bizarre circumstances on Sunday night, with the Bosnia & Herzegovina striker sent off during his side's World Cup qualifier with Greece, after pulling down an opponent's shorts.

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The incident happened during the Group H clash in Piraeus, with Roma forward Dzeko, desperate to waste time with his side leading 1-0, firstly grabbing on toSokratis Papastathopoulos's leg before literally pulling down his pants.

Arsenal: Alex Iwobi Pulls Off Audacious Rainbow Flick As Nigeria Beat Algeria 3-1 (Video)

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Despite impressing at various youth levels for England, Lagos-born Alex Iwobi ultimately chose to represent for the country of his birth.

This weekend, the 20-year-old was in action for Nigeria in their World Cup qualifying clash with Algeria, with the young Gunner executing a wonderful piece of skill reminiscent of his uncle Jay-Jay Okocha.

Arsenal: Gunners Hit Back After Serge Gnabry Hat-Trick For Germany Prompts Cheeky Tweet From Werder Bremen

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After struggling to make the grade at Arsenal and enduring a fruitless loan spell with West Brom, German youngster Serge Gnabry is finally starting to make the most of his talent, netting four goals in nine league games with Werder Bremen this season.

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On Friday, the winger marked his senior international debut with a hat-trick, albeit in an easy 8-0 win against perennial minnows San Marino.

World Cup Qualifying: England Secure 3-0 Wembley Win Against Misfiring Scotland (Photos & Highlights)

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Defying FIFA by wearinga red poppy on their black armbands, England and Scotland played out a a decentWorld Cup qualifying clash at Wembley on Friday night, with the Three Lions' superior finishing ultimately makingthe difference.

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The visitors started strongly, hassling and harrying their hosts.

‘Walloped At Wembley’ – Scottish Newspaper Sums Up Dismal England Defeat With Sombre, Blacked-Out Back Page (Photo)

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A fair-to-middling performance from England was good enough to earn the win over Scotland at Wembley last night, with the home side coasting to a 3-0 victory while registering just three attempts on goal (all headers) in the space of 90 minutes.

Scotland mustered 12 shots (two on target) but were flaccid for the most part, with the dreary defeat leaving them second bottom,six points behind leaders England,in World Cup Qualifying group F with four games played.

Indian Super League: Kerala Blasters Supporters Given 35,000 Zinedine Zidane Masks To Goad Rival Coach Marco Materazzi

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Over in the Indian Super League, Kerala Blasters fans are reportedly gearing up to don thousands of Zinedine Zidane masks to goadthe managerof their rival club,who just so happens to beMarco Materazzi.

Zidane and Materazzi famously clashed in the final of the 2006 World Cup, culminating in the former introducing his cranium to the latter's breastbone with significant vim and vigour.

England: Telegraph Journalist Claims Three Lions’ Star Begged Agent To ‘Get Him Out’ Of Euro 2016 (Video)

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From lack of quality to lack of commitment, the reasons listed for England's continued failure at major tournaments are many and varied. However, in a startling revelation by Daily Telegraph journalist Jim White, one member of the Three Lions' squad at Euro 2016 was apparently anything but pleased to be involved in the competition.

Portuguese Commercial Sees Cristiano Ronaldo Reenacting Classic Scenes From ‘Home Alone’ (Video)

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If you've ever wondered just how 'Home Alone' would look if the small blonde child playing Kevin McAllister were replaced by a shirtless, oiled, muscle-bound adult male, then wonder no longer Cristiano Ronaldo is here to oblige.

At the behest of Portugeuese telecommunications company MEO, Ronaldo has recreated several scenes from 1990's classic of the parental neglect genre, including the iconic 'aftershave scream' and the 'Keep the change, ya filty animal' bit.

World Cup Qualifying: Philippe Coutinho Scores 25-Yard Ripper As Brazil Give Argentina Jolly Good Tonking (Video)

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Argentina's dreary World Cup qualifying malaise continued with a 3-0 defeat against Brazil on Thursday night as Philippe Coutinho, Neymar and Paulinho did the damage in Belo Horizonte.

Coutinho opened the scoring in the 25th minute when, surprise surprise, he cut in from the left and lashed a 25-yard strike past Sergio Romero and into the top corner.

Five-Year-Old Rochdale Fan Joshua McCormack Named ‘Honorary EFL Player Of The Month’

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Photo: Rochdale AFC

Not only did five-year-old Rochdale fan Joshua McCormack find his way onto Dale's teamsheet for their midweek EFL Trophy fixture, but now he's also been named as the Football League's honorary Player of the Month.

The youngster, who suffers from a terminal brain tumour, was named as a substitute in Rochdale's 2-1 win over Hartlepool United on Wednesday evening.

Cologne Kick Off Karneval Season In Style By Hosting Jaunty Fancy Dress Training Session (Photos)

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The 11th of November signifies the start of Karneval in the German city of Cologne, thus kicking off a season's worth of parades, parties and general glad tidings.

As per usual, FC Koln took the opportunity to celebrate, turning their training session into a 'Champions League morning' which largely entailed mucking around with a miniature replica of the trophy, drinking hot coffee on the job and dressing up like Power Rangers.

10 Players Who Have Scored One Goal In Just One Appearance For England

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Plenty of perfectly decent players have only managed to score once for England over the years, with the likes of Andy Cole, David Hirst, Rodney Marsh, Alan Mullery, Stan Bowles and Carlton Palmer all failing to double their tally over the varying courses of their respective international careers.

However, there are a select band of England internationals who went one better, by scoring on their debut for the Three Lions and then leaving their immaculate 1:1 ratio completely untainted by failing to win a second cap.

Championship: Brentford Unveil Smart New Club Badge, Based On Old Emblem From 1970s (Photo)

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Photo: @BrentfordFC/Twitter

As is their wont, Brentford have unveiled a brand new club crest to be used from the start of the 2017/18 season onwards. That's it up there.

Given that there current club crest looks like it was designed on Corel Draw 3, the Championship side decided that a fresh marque was called for, proudly debuting their new badge on Twitter today.

FAIL: Romelu Lukaku Misses Glaring Sitter As Belgium Squeak 1-1 Draw Against The Netherlands (Video)

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Mere hours after being told by his club manager that he could play for Barcelona if he wanted, Romelu Lukaku went and cemented his credentials by missing an absolute whopper of a sitter in Belgium's friendly against their beloved lowland neighbours, the Netherlands.

With Belgium trailing 1-0 to a first-half Davy Klaassen penalty, Roberto Martinez sent Lukaku and Thorgan Hazard on for the last 30 minutes or so.

Wrestling’s Own Tim ‘The Machine’ Wiese Agrees To Play For Tiny Club In Lowly German Regional League

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In an effort to keep his eye in football-wise, Tim Wiese has gone and signed for a semi-pro German club just days aftermaking his WWE debut.

'The Machine' made his maidenin-ring appearance as a wrestler at a WWE live event in Munichlast week, emerging victorious from a tag-match with Cesaro and Sheamus.

No F**ks Given: Polish Striker Gets Pelted With Chocolate Bar, Takes A Bite, Scores His Penalty (Video)

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Trailing 1-0 to Lechia Gdansk in the Polish Ekstralasa at the weekend, Pogon Szczecin nabbedthemselves a chance to equalise from the spot a mere matter of seconds before half-time.

Up stepped striker and top scorer Adam Fraczczak, only to be pelted by a rogue chocolate bar hurled at him from the Lechia supporters behind the goal.

Retro Football: Uri Geller Claims To Move Ball As Gary McAllister Misses Penalty Against England At Euro ’96 (Video)

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It was the 15th of June, 1996, and England were playing Scotland at Wembley in their second group match of the European Championships.

As you may remember, the host nation went on to win 2-0on the day: Alan Shearer, Paul Gascoigne, Colin Hendry getting trapped in a prismic maze of his own mind's making, the dentist's chair.

Reports: Red Bull In ‘Advanced Talks’ To Add Swindon Town To Their Football Portfolio

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Word on the wire is that Red Bull are in "advanced talks" to add Swindon Town to their portfolio of company-owned football clubs.

Swindonhave scheduled a press conference to make a "significant" announcement this afternoon, with reports suggesting that the League One side are set to be bought out by the international caffeine peddlers.

Robin Van Persie’s Eye Doctor Admits He Thought Fenerbahce Striker Was Just An ‘Ordinary’ Sunday League Player

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The doctor responsible for treating Robin van Persie's grisly eye injury has admitted that he merely assumed the striker was an "ordinary" Sunday League player who'd come a cropper.

As you may recall, Van Persie suffered a lacerated eyelid during Fenerbahce's recent win overAkhisar Belediyespor when he was caught in the face by a stray fingernail.

Rochdale Name Five-Year-Old Supporter In Squad For EFL Trophy Game Against Hartlepool United

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Photo: Rochdale AFC

Just when you thought that the EFL Trophy couldn't possibly any further undermined, Rochdale have gone and named a five-year-old in their squad for tonight's game againstHartlepool United.

That said, we'll let them off, because thewee nipper in question is youngJoshua McCormack, who suffers from a terminal brain tumour.

Record Low Attendances And Persistent Rule-Bending Add Up To Another Standard Night Of EFL Trophy Calamity

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Tuesday proved to be another calamitous evening in the Checkatrade EFL Trophy, with record low attendances and general undermining of the competition proving rife once again.

According to BBC Sport, Northampton drew their lowest ever gate to Sixfields, with just 762 fans turning out for their game against West Ham's development team.

Allsvenskan: Djurgarden Celebrate Signing Off With Win By Staging Mass Snowball Fight With Fans (Video)

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Image: @dif_footboll/Twitter

Over the weekend, Swedish side Djurgarden finished off their Allsvenskan league campaignwith a 240-miletrip north to frost-bitten Sundsvall.

Despite having almost nothing to play for, the visitors managed to pull off a thumping 5-2 victory to cement their place in mid-table and decided to celebrate accordingly.

Non-League: Cheadle Town Currently Offering Supreme Choice Of Match Day Pies (Photo)

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All hail Cheadle Town (of the North West Counties Football League), for it is they who offer the finest range of matchday pies we've ever clamped eyes on.

The entire gamut is represented in a cornucopia of available fillings, just aslong as you're after meat and potatoes and don't mind what order you get them in.

Shit Football Ink: Lionel Messi Covers Up Entire Leg Tattoo With Giant Black ‘Sock’ (Photos)

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Not that it was a peerless work of art to begin with, but Lionel Messi has gone and covered up his enormous leg tattoo with atruly hideous enormous leg tattoo.

Occupying some of the most expensive real estate in the game, Messi's original ink took up the entirety of his lower left leg and comprised of angel wings, flowers, swords, little penny floater footballs, his squad number and the handprints of his firstborn son, Thiago.

Presenting: The ‘Iguana vs Snakes’ Footage From Planet Earth II, Complete With Lionel Messi Goal Commentary (Video)

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Anybody who tuned into Sir David Attenborough's latest Planet Earth episode on Sunday evening will no doubt have been left well and truly frazzled by one of the most tense, thrilling and nerve-shredding swatches of documentary footage to ever to have been aired.

We're talking, of course, about the straight survival footrace* between a baby iguana and a marauding phalanx of racer snakes on Fernandina, one of the Galapagos islands.

Croatia: NK Dracice Striker Stjepan Lucijanic Sets New World Record After Scoring Five Consecutive Hat-Tricks (Photo)

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Photo: Praktoreio Sport

The elite sportsman you're looking at on the left of the photo above is Stjepan Lucijanic, superstar striker forCroatian regional league sideNK Dracice Dakovo.

As of Saturday afternoon, Lucijanic is now the proud owner of a Guinness World Record after helping himself to yet another hat-trick in NK Dracice's 10-0 thumping of NK Zrinski Drenje.

Rangers Exile Joey Barton Signed Off For Two Weeks On ‘Stress’ Grounds

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Joey Barton's Rangers career continues to go from strength to strength with the news that the exiled midfielder has now been signed off with stress.

The Scottish Premiership club recently ordered Barton to return and train with the Under-23s after hitting him with a six-week suspension for scufflingwith his teammates during a training session in September, just days after they found themselves on the wrong end of a 5-1 battering in the Old Firm derby.

Shit Football Kits: DR Congo Unveil Incredible New Shirt, Complete With Huge Leopard On The Front (Photos)

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Photos: O'Neills

DR Congo have unveiled their brand new home shirt and to be quite honest we're torn on it.

On one hand it's a total mess, with clashing red and blue geometric vomit all over the place and a cheapo badge resembling the non-licensed national teams from Pro Evolution Soccer.

Dynamo Dresden Fined £54,000 For Chucking Bull’s Head Onto Pitch During Ill-Tempered RB Leipzig Derby

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Dynamo Dresden have been fined £54,000 for the crowd unrest during August's causticDFB Pokal derby clash with rivals RB Leipzig that culminated in a lump of livestockbeing hurled over the advertising hoardings.

As well as myriad banners chastising Leipzig for selling out to Red Bull, one fan went as far as smuggling a severed bull's head into the stadium which subsequently found its way onto the border of the pitch.

Mesut Ozil Reveals Exactly What He Said To David Luiz After Germany’s 7-1 Humiliation Of Brazil At 2014 World Cup

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Because he is fundamentally incapable of doing anything bad, Mesut Ozil has revealed that he was an absolute gentleman in the wake of Germany's brutal massacreof Brazil's hopes and aspirations at the 2014 World Cup.

As you may well recall, the mighty Mannshaft eviscerated the host nation in a mercilesssemi-final, sauntering their way to a 7-1 trouncing.

Prank War: Ricardo Quaresma Scares The Bejesus Out Of Cristiano Ronaldo At Nike Boot Launch (Video)

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In retaliation for having his car wrapped in alumnium foil last year, Ricardo Quaresma decided to get his own back on Cristiano Ronaldo by scaring the everloving bejesus out of him at the launch of his new Nike boots.

Ahead of the event, Quaresma had a willing accomplice infiltrate the event and lie in wait for Ronaldo.

England Assistant Sammy Lee Gave ‘False Evidence’ In Bolton Bung Trial, Appeal Court Finds

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The FA have taken another swift kick in the danglies today after seeing a high court judgement that England assistant manager Sammy Lee supplied false evidence upheld by a court of appeal.

The trial in question is centred around Bolton Wanderers' signing of midfielder Gavin McCann in 2007, during Lee's brief tenure as manager.

FA Cup: Whitehawk FC Cruelly Robbed Of Thumping Last-Minute Winner As Referee Blows Final Whistle (Video)

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Image: BT Sports

With the score locked at 1-1, National League South side Whitehawk FC came within a whisker a whisker we say of nabbing a spectacular last-second victory over Stourbridge in the FA Cup first round.

That was, however, until fate intervened like the fickle mistress she so often is.

The Black-And-White Years: 15 Brilliant Vintage Photos Of England’s Age Auld Rivalry With Scotland

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In deepest, darkest November of 1872, England played Scotland in the first ever official international football match at the Hamilton Crescent cricket ground in Partick.

A crowd of 4,000 spectators paid a shilling apiece to watch the match finish goalless.There's more here.

The two nations had actually played each other fives time previous, but FIFA refuse to acknowledge those early games as full internationals as all five of the Scotland teams were merely made up of players draftedfrom the London area.

Brazil: Incensed Player Goes Ballistic, Shoves Referee After Receiving Red Card In 3rd Tier Clash (Video)

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Last week saw the finale of the Brazilian third tier's regular season, with champions Guarani facing Boa Esporte at home.

However, rather than ending their title-winning season on a high, Guarani were beaten 3-0, after defender Antonio Ferreira went ballistic over picking up a red card.

Early on in the second-half, Ferriera was adjudged by the referee to have elbowed his opponent, leading to the brandishing of a red card.

‘It’s The Least We Could Do’ – Oxford United Donate Share Of FA Cup Gate Receipts To Non-League Opponents Merstham

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Having made it through fourpreliminary rounds to get there, non-league Merstham had their FA Cup dreams endedby Oxford United in the first round proper on Saturday evening.

Hailing from the Isthmian League Presmier Division (the seventh tier of English football), Merstham made a decent fist of their debutfirst round appearance in front on a home crowd of 1,920 aboutten times their usual home attendance.

Real Madrid: Cristiano Ronaldo Vows To Play On Past 40 After Declaring Massive New Contract ‘Won’t Be His Last’

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The big news to come out of the Real Madrid camp over the weekend was that Cristiano Ronaldo has signed a mammoth new contract with the club that is set to run into the distant future.

Specifically, Ronaldo signed a new five-year, £500,000-a-week extension that will see the Portuguese colossustied to Los Blancos until the summer of 2021 which you'd think represents something of a gamble considering that he isalready 31.

‘My Eye Is Undamaged’ – Robin Van Persie Issues Instagram Statement To Confirm He’s Okay After Freak Eyelid Injury

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Robin van Persie has taken to social media to confirm that, despite initial fears, he managed to escape serious injury after going off in Fenerbahce's 3-1 win over Akhisar Belediyesporwith blood pouring from his eye.

While tussling in the penalty area, the Dutch striker was accidentally caught by the flailing fingernail of Akhisar defenderAbdulwahid Sissoko.

Game Of Thrones Cast Descend Upon Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan Stadium To Support Sevilla Against Barcelona (Photos)

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Photo: @SevillaFC_ENG/Twitter

Some bright sparkinSevilla's hospitality department thought it would be perfectly fine for members of House Stark, Targaryan, Greyjoy, Barathian and Lannister to share a VIP box for last night's big game against Barcelona.

Thankfully, and more by luck than judgement, the evening came to passwithout anybody getting plundered or pillagedasthe Game Of Thrones cast (who had spent the day filming just outside Seville) enjoyed'guests of honour' status at the Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan.

Match Of The Day Host Gary Lineker Ups The Ante With Second Nudity-Based Leicester City Pledge

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After the truly harrowing scenes that befell him back in August, you'd think that Gary Lineker may have had his fill of nudity-based wagers.

Not so it would seem, forthe Match of the Day host has upped the ante byonce again staking his dignity on the fortunes of Leicester City Football Club.

Jeepers Creepers: Robin Van Persie In ‘Good Condition’ After Suffering Gruesome Eyelid Injury In Fenerbahce Win

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Mercifully, Robin van Persie is said to be in "good condition" after the Fenerbahce striker suffered a fairly gruesome eye injury during Sunday's 3-1 win overAkhisar Belediyespor.

Van Persie had already opened the scoring whenthe incident occurred the Dutch striker having his eyelid caught by a stray fingernail belonging to defenderAbdulwahid Sissoko.

The Rehabilitation Of Vinnie Jones: Ex-Wimbledon Nutter Launches Luxury Carpet Website

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Once upon a time, Vincent Peter Jones was one of the very hardest, most intimidating nuts in football, gnawing onthe ankles of namby-pamby strikers (and innocent children) for sustenance.

He then, somewhat unexpectedly, made the jump to acting where he swiftly became the go-to guy if Hollywood ever needed a granite-jawed East End thug.

West Brom: Saido Berahino Aims Subtle Barb At Tony Pulis With ‘Fat Boy’ Snapchat Selfie (Photo)

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Despite West Brom picking up their first win in six matches on Sunday afternoon, one of their flock was notable by his absence once again.

While hise teammates were busy toiling to a 2-1 win over Leicester City at the Hawthorns, Saido Berahino was holed up at a fitness centre in France at the behest of his manager, Tony Pulis.

England: Jack Wilshere Named In Gareth Southgate’s Squad To Face Scotland And Spain

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Interim England boss Gareth Southgate has named his latest squad ahead of the Three Lions' games against Scotland and Spain, with midfielder Jack Wilshere returning to the senior set-up and Spurs striker Harry Kane also named.

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Wilshere failed to make an impact during England's dismal Euro 2016 campaign after yet another season ruined by injury.

FAIL: Akhisar Goalkeeper Scores Unbelievably Inept Own-Goal In Turkish Top-Flight Clash With Fenerbahce (Video)

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It's the goalkeeper's lot that any mistake he or she makes often leads to a goal and a shed-load of embarrassment. However, rarely we see a ricket as big as Fatih Öztürk pulled off during Akhisar's Turkish Super Lig clash with Fenerbahce.

With Fenerbahce forward Emmanuel Eminike bearing down on the Akhisar goal, French 'keeper Öztürk raced off his line and at least partly stopped the attacker's lob.

Man Utd: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Nets 25,000th Premier League Goal As Red Devils Cruise To Victory v Swansea (Video)

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Manchester United go tback to winning ways in the Premier League on Sunday, beating Swansea 3-1 away to end a run of four games without a win in the competition.

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A cracker from Paul Pogba opened the scoring for United after just 15 minutes.

This is what really gets you £89m, PAUL POGBA!

Leicester City’s Artistic Grounds Staff Mow Special Remembrance Day Poppies Into King Power Pitch (Photos)

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Withthe Premier League's internal contestto commemorate Armistice Day becomingmore and more competitive every year, Leicester City pulled out all the stops for their 11th November fixture against West Brom.

Along with a pre-match wreath laying, the Foxes' team of artisan groundstaffonce again used their canvas (i.

Championship: Steve Sidwell Nets Wonder Goal From Centre Circle As Brighton Beat Bristol City (Video)

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Championship high-flyers Brighton secured yet another win, away to Bristol City on Saturday, with midfielder Steve Sidwell scoring an incredible goal from inside the centre circle.

Sidwell's wonder-strike came after just 13 minutes of the second-tier clash at Ashton Gate, with the former Arsenal and Chelsea man (sounds strange to say it out loud, doesn't it?

Official: QPR Sack Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink After Just 14 Wins In 47 Games

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Queens Park Rangers have sacked Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink after the Championship side drew 1-1 with Nottingham Forest on Saturday.

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Hasselbaink was given the job at Loftus Road in December last year but has struggled to make a positive impact on QPR, who have since won just 14 of their 47 games under the Dutchman.

Ajax Send 27 Crates Of Beer To East Kilbride After Scottish Minnows Surpass 26-Game Winning Streak (Photo & Video)

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It's not often you hear Johan Cruyff mentioned in the same breath as the Scottish Lowland League, but the two footballing spheres overlappedin joyous fashion on Saturday evening.

Indeed, East Kilbride surpassed the feats of Cruyff's imperious Ajax side of 1971/72 by winning their 27th game on the bounce, witha 3-1 win over BSC Glasgow sealing the deal.

Slovakian Fifth Division Defender Proposes To Lineswoman Before Kick-Off (Photo)

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FK Nizna may well have beaten Tatran Chelbnice 3-1 in the Slovakian 5. Liga a few days ago but the real result came shortly before kick-off.

In what surely must be a footballing first, Nizna defender Lubomir Vajdecka provided the pre-match entertainment when he got down on one knee and proposed to the lineswoman on duty, Petra Lepackova.

Arsenal: Olivier Giroud Admits He Had An Irrational Childhood Fear Of The TV Sitcom Puppet ‘ALF’

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He may be a big, strapping lump of a man now but Olivier Giroud has admitted that, as an impressionable 10-year-old, he developed an irrational fear of 1980s sitcom puppet ALF.

Discussing the phobia in the Arsenal programme for today's big ding-dong with Tottenham, Giroud revealed that his young soul was tormented by the very existence of ALF, the cat-eating alien star of the American sci-fi sitcom of the same name.

North Korea U16 ‘Keeper Given 12-Month Ban After Conceding *That* Dodgy Goal Against Uzbekistan (Video)

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Not so very long ago, we showed you a decidedly dodgy goal conceded by North Korea's Under-16 team that subsequently raised more than a few quizzical eyebrows around the world.

The goal in question saw Uzbekistan 'keeper Jasurbek Umrzakov score past his opposite number, Jang Paek-Ho, from the far end of the pitch after the North Korean stopper stumbled at the most inopportune moment.

Championship: Derby Striker Darren Bent Rolls Back The Years With A Thumping Volley v Wolves (Video)

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Darren Bent has enjoyed a fine career in the upper echelons of English football, lining out for the likes of Charlton, Spurs, Sunderland and Aston Villa as well as chalking up 13 appearances for England.

Now 32, the striker is lining out for Championship side Derby County, and according to his superb goal for the Rams on Saturday, the forward hasn't lost his touch in front of goal.

Man Utd: Agent Reveals Anthony Martial Disappointment Over Losing No.9 Shirt To Zlatan Ibrahimovic

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So far this season, Man Utd youngster Anthony Martial has failed to build on his impressive form in 2015/16,with the French attacker struggling to keep hold of his place in Jose Mourinho's first 11 this season.

According to his agent, the French international's nose was put out of joint before the season even began, when his number nine shirt was given to the incoming Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Bayern Munich To Play In Special Shirts Made From 100% Recycled ‘Ocean Garbage’ (Photos)

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When Bayern Munich take to the field for this Saturday's home game against Hoffenheim, they will do so wearing a very special version of their kit.

In conjunction with Adidas and marine conservation foundation Parley, the Bundesliga giants are set to play in a unique red stripmade entirely from plastic ocean debris.

Retro Football: Blackburn Teammates David Batty And Graeme Le Saux Have A Punch-Up, 1995 (Video)

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Before Leicester City stormed the grand UEFA citadel, you have to go right back to 1995 for the last time a "small" Premier League sidefound their way into the Champions League.

Thankfully, reigning champions Blackburn Rovers did the nation proud by finishing slap, bang, bottom of their group and crashing out at the first hurdle.

Europa League: Moussa Sow Scores Outlandish Overhead Kick As Man Utd Slump To Defeat Against Fenerbache (Video)

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Jose Mourinho's Manchester United side suffered another disappointing defeat on Thursday night, with the Red Devils losing 2-1 away to Fenerbahce inthe Europa League,courtesy of a couple of crackers from the home side.

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Fenerbahce took the lead after just 65 seconds, courtesy of a stunning overhead kick from Moussa Sow.

Man City Outcast Yaya Toure Formally Apologises For His Agent Being A Professional Gobshite

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Yaya Toure has formally apologised for his slack conduct over the past few months in abid to weasel back into the first-team picture at Man City.

Pep Guardiola said that he wouldn't select Toure for active duty until he received an apology from the 33-year-old's agent, Dimitri Seluk, who accused the City coach of "deliberately humiliating" his client.

The Bundesbeefcake: Ex-Germany Goalkeeper Tim Wiese Wins On WWE Debut In Frankfurt (Photos & Video)

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With his face suitably creosoted and his torsosuitably meaty, Tim Wiese made his long-awaited in-ring WWE debut at an event in Frankfurt last night.

The ex-Werder Bremen goalkeeper, 34, teamed up with established stars Cesaro and Sheamus and emerged victorious in a tag match against Bo Dallas and the Shining Stars should that mean anything to you.

Napoli: Dries Mertens And His Wife Dressed As Teammates Lorenzo Insigne And Marek Hamsik For Halloween (Photos)

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Stuck for a decent couple-friendly Halloween costume, Dries Mertens and his wife Katwere forced to get creative earlier in the week.

Indeed, the Belgianforward has revealed that he and his good lady spent the eve of All Hallows dressed as two of his Napoli teammates specficially Lorenzo Insigne and Marek Hamsik.

Carabao Cup: League Cup Re-Branded As Of Next Season After EFL Sign Sponsorship Deal With Thai Energy Drink

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Photo: @EFL/Twitter

Just as we were beginning to come to terms with calling it the 'EFL Cup', the Football League have announced that the League Cup is to be rebranded once again.

As of 2017/18, the tournament will be known as the 'Carabao Cup' after the Football League agreed a three-year sponsorship deal with the Thai energy drink.

Just Eight Months On, FIFA Charge Republic Of Ireland Over Commemorative ‘1916 Easter Rising’ Shirt

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FIFA have metered out their usual brand of swift, forthright justice by charging the Republic of Ireland for using their kitto commemorate the centenary of the 1916 Easter Rising earlier in the year.

Ireland took to the field against Switzerland back in March with a special logo embroidered onto the breasts of their shirts to pay tribute to the 485 people that lost their lives in the rebellion against British rule.

Russia: FC Ural Coach Resigns Citing ‘Exhaustion’, Immediately Takes Charge Of Ural’s Next Opponents

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With just two wins from their opening 12 league games, lowly FC Ural parted company with coachVadim Skripchenko on Tuesday in the wake of a humbling 4-1 home defeat toTerek Grozny.

Nothing particularly untoward about that, you may think.

Indeed, it was Skripchenko who actually resigned his post, citing "exhaustion" as the main reason for his sudden departure.

Non-League: Forest Green Rovers Announce Plans To Build New Eco-Friendly Stadium Entirely Out Of Wood (Photos)

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Image: VA Renders/Zaha Hadid Architects (via Designboom)

National League side Forest Green Rovers have enlisted the services of Zaha Hadid architects to build them a snazzy new, all-seater stadium in the Gloucestershire countryside.

The new stadium, located just outside Stroud, will form the centrepiece of a new £100million "eco park" centred around sport and eco-friendly businesses.

Man Utd: Juan Mata Creates Interactive Map Of Every Country He’s Played Football In Over The Years

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Having flown into Instanbul ahead of Manchester United's Europa League clash with Fenerbahce, Juan Mata was able to add yet another country to the long list he's had the opportunity to play football in over the course of his career.

Indeed, in order to fully take stock of his travels, the Spanish forward set about creating an interactive map which he dubbed 'El Matamundi' to detail just how far he's traipsed around the globe.

Danny Mills Thinks He Has The Solution To England’s Poppy Problem And It Involves ‘Temporary Tattoos’

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It's that time of year again. England have an international game scheduled around Armistice Day (11th November) and

As you well know, FIFA have blocked the FA from embroidering poppies onto England's shirts for next Friday's World Cup qualifier againstScotland at Wembleyin accordance with their law that no country is allowed to alter their registered kit design in order to make an overt political statement.

Juventus Midfielder Stefano Sturaro Hit By Attack Of Episodic Blindness While Attempting To Dribble Against Lyon (Video)

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It is estimated that every year approximately one person in every 1,000 worldwide will suffer a moment of episodic blindness.

Unfortunately forJuventus midfielder Stefano Sturaro, his cropped uppart-way through the Bianconeri's Champions League game against Lyon last night.

Just as Sturaro took possession of the ball, the pressure of the fluid inside his cranium spiked, causing the 23-year-old to temporarily blank out and, dare we say, look a little foolish in doing so.

Andy Carroll ‘Okay’ After Being Targeted And Chased By Armed Thieves After Leaving West Ham Training Ground

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West Ham manager Slaven Bilic has confirmed that Andy Carroll is "okay" after the striker was reportedly held at gunpoint while driving home from training on Wednesday afternoon.

According to the Guardian, Carroll was targeted by armed motorcyclists who stopped him at a nearby junction and demanded hehand over his watch.

Real Madrid: Cristiano Ronaldo Meets Fan Roused From Coma By Commentary Of Superstar’s Goal (Video)

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Say what you like about Cristiano Ronaldo, but behind the flouncing and sulking there's a rather decent chap.

Ahead of Real Madrid's Champions League clash with Legia Warsaw on Wednesday, the superstar took time out to meet up with Polish Real Madrid fan,David Pawlaczyc.

Pawlaczyc was in the news three years ago when he woke up from a coma after listening to commentary of Portugal's World Cup play-off clash with Sweden on headphones.

57 Seconds: Gareth Bale Scores Real Madrid’s Fastest Ever Champions League Goal In Six Goal Thriller v Legia Warsaw (Photos & Highlights)

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It took only 57 seconds for Real Madrid to open the scoring during their Champions League clash away to Legia Warsaw. However, the Spanish giants wouldn't have it all their own way in a cracking six-goal clash.

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Played in am empty stadium due to previous crowd trouble from the Polish fans, Bale kicked off a thrilling encounter with an exquisite volley which thundered into the top corner.

Arsenal: Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn Overheard Discussing Tottenham Derby After Prime Minister’s Questions (Video)

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Having once backed a parliamentary motion to have Arsenal declared as "the greatest team in the world", it's probably safe to assume that Jeremy Corbyn is of the Gooner persuasion.

Once a red, always a red.

Anyway, with a matter of days until the first North London Derby of the season, it's only natural that the Labour leader should have one eye on the big match.

FIFA: Chris Coleman And Claudio Ranieri On Shortlist For 2016 ‘Coach Of The Year’ Award

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Wales boss Chris Coleman has found himself jostling for elbow room with some of the biggest names in management on FIFA's shortlist for their 2016 'Coach of the Year' award.

Coleman guided hisebullient Welsh side right through to the semi-finals of Euro 2016, eventually coming unstuck against eventual tournament winners Portugal.

Man City: Etihad Stadium Was Evacuated Before Barcelona Clash Because Of ‘Burnt Chips’

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Not that it hindered Man City in any way, but the Etihad Stadium actually had to be temporarily evacuated shortly before Man City's Champions League triumphover Barcelona last night.

The entire stadium was emptied by security after an alarm went off at around 5pm. Feel free to add you're own 'how could anybody tell?

In Wake Of Frank De Boer Sacking, Former Ajax Employee Delivers Poetic Assessment Of Just How Crap Inter Milan Are

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As was almost inevitable, Inter Milan sacked Frank de Boer as their head coach yesterday after the Dutchman failed to completely restore one of European football's most preeminent sinking ships backto its former glory in the space of 85 days.

After the announcement was made, De Boer issued a brief statement lamenting the fact that he wasn't given more time to see his project through to completion.

Liverpool: Danny Ings Out For Rest Of Season After Suffering ‘Serious’ Knee Cartilage Damage

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Having just about hauled himself back to match fitness after missing the majority of last season, Danny Ings has been ruled out for the remainder of 2016/17 after suffering yet another major knee injury.

According to the Telegraph, the Liverpool strikersuffered "serious cartilage damage"during last week's EFL Cup tie against Spurs.

Scott Brown Drags Himself Out Of International Retirement As Scotland Announce Squad For England Qualifier

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Photo: AMA/Corbis/Getty Images

Scotland manager Gordon Strachan has announced his squad for next week's World Cup qualifier against the Auld Enemy at Wembley.

The big (well, big-ish) news is that Scott Brown has reversed his international retirement in order to spend the evening kicking Englishmen, having last played for Scotland back in August.

Champions League: Kevin De Bruyne Wallops Home Fantastic Free-Kick As Man City Beat Barcelona At Etihad (Video)

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Pep Guardiola steered his Manchester City side to a deserved victory against former club Barcelona on Tuesday night, with the Citizens coming from a goal down to beat the Spanish giants 3-1 at the Etihad.

Star of the show for the hosts was Kevin De Bruyne, with the Belgian topping off a fine display in midfield with a magnificent free-kick.

Champions League: Mesut Ozil Nets Sublime Individual Goal As Arsenal Book Place In Last 16 (Video)

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Arsenal secured their place in the last 16 of the Champions League courtesy of a hard-fought win away toLudogorets Razgrad.

After going two goals down within the first 15 minutes, the Gunners fought back courtesy of goals from Granit Xhaka and Olivier Giroud before a Mesut Ozi stunner won the game for the visitors.

Borussia Monchengladbach Completely Sell Out Of ‘German Team’ Merchandise Within 48 Hours

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You may recall that, not so very long ago, Borussia Monchengladbach adopted a new unofficial moniker after a pub in Glasgow went to the effort of rechristening the club on their behalf.

With Monchengladbach in town for a Champions League tie againstCeltic, the staff at Tiles Bar had several stabsatthe team's name on thechalkboard outside before simply giving up and dubbing them "A German Team".

Liverpool: Roberto Firmino’s Celebration Against Crystal Palace Could Have *Technically* Resulted In Goal Being Disallowed

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Not that we wish to be killjoys about the whole thing, but it has emerged that Roberto Firmino's goal against Crystal Palace on Saturday evening couldhave been disallowed on a technicality.

Firmino capitalised on some defensive dawdling to dink a subtle finish over Steve Mandandaand thus flesh out a 4-2 win for the Reds at Selhurst Park.

Arsenal: Puma Furnish Santi Cazorla With Special ‘Derby Fever’ Boots For North London Ding-Dong (Photos)

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With the big game crowning on the horizon, Puma have furnished Santi Cazorla with his very own personal pair of 'Derby Fever' custom boots to wear in the upcoming North London blow-out between Arsenal and Tottenham.

As per Puma's blurb, the themed boots are part of a range that "celebrate the epic meetings between local football foes".

Official: Inter Milan Sack Coach Frank De Boer After 85 Whole Days In Charge

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Just as the prophecy foretold, Frank de Boer has been sacked as Inter Milan coach for failing to arrest the continued slide into abject mediocrityof one of European football's most bulbousfallen giants in the space of 14 matches.

The Dutchman was given 85 days to plug the dam. He managed just four league victories in that time.

The Man With The Golden CV: World Cup Legend Miroslav Klose Retires To Join Germany Coaching Staff

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Miroslav Klose hasofficially brought his playing career to an end today by announcing that he has agreed to embark on his coaching training with the German national team.

The DFB have said that, after consulting with Joachim Low and technical director Hansi Flick, Klose will undergo an individual training program "with the clear aim of embarking on a coaching career.