Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2015

Champions League – The Best Bits: Man Utd 2-1 Wolfsburg (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United came from a goal down to secure a deserved 2-1 win at home to Wolfsburg on Wednesday night.

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The home side went behind early on, when slack marking from full-back Antonio Valencia allowed Paul Caligiuri too much space to fire home past David De Gea.

‘They Call Us The Royals’ – Reading Unveil Atrocious New Club Anthem, Co-Written By Their 76-Year-Old Chairwoman (Video)

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As threatened several weeks ago, Reading have finally farted out the video for their new club anthem, co-written as a "trendy gift" by the Royals' 76-year-old chairwoman,Khunying Sasima Svrikorn.

Unsurprisingly, 'They Call Us The Royals' is a thundering clusterdump of sappy Eurovision-esque balladry, tawdry rap and weird acapella bits.

25 Brilliant Retro Photos Of Footballers At Home With Their Families In The 1960s, 70s And 80s

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Once upon a time, British footballweeklies like Shoot! and Goal featured players at home with their wives, children and pets.

As you're about to see, life was pretty ordinary back then...

Derek Renton (Source: Hearts match programme, 1970)

Teddy Sheringham (Source: Millwall match programme, 1989)

Terry Nicholl (Source: Missile Magazine, 1985)

John Jackson (Source: Goal Magazine, 1972)

John Doyle (1972-ish, judging by the vinyl)

Hugh Curran (Source: Unknown, 1973)

Mick Leach (Source: Goal Magazine, 1972)

Gunter Netzer (Source: Bundesliga Classic Archive)

Peter Cormack (Source: Goal Magazine, 1971)

Paul Madeley (Source: Unknown, 1973)

Johan Cruyff (Source: Fotoleren, 1968)

Liam O'Kane (Source: Nottingham Forest match programme, 1983)

Ken Beamish (Source: Goal Magazine, 1973)

Eddie Hapgood (Source: Illustrated Magazine, 1939)

Joe Corrigan (Source: Goal Magazine, 1974)

Bradley Pratt (Source: The Sun, 1991)

Steve Perryman (Source: Shoot!

On This Day In 2006: ‘The Goal Of A Lifetime’ – Wenger Vaunts Van Persie’s Voluptuous Volley At The Valley

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Photo: Reuters

Early in the 2006/07 season the fixture calendar took Arsenal back to their south east London roots with a visit to the Valley, home of Charlton Athletic. It was to prove a very good day indeed for Mr Robin van Persie.

Just before half-timeVan Persiescored to cancel out Darren Bent's openerand then, four minutes afterthe restart, the Dutchman went one better sending an absolute pearlerflying into the Charlton net to put the Gunners 2-1 ahead.

Hamburg’s New Team Photo Is A Thing Of Beauty – Features Every Single Player From U11s Right Up To Senior Team (Photo)

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Come one and all and marvel at Hamburg's new team photo, a cracking effort that features every single player from every age group currently on the books at the Bundesliga side.

As well as staff members and the mascot, the ensembleshot alsoincludes every player from the Under-11s side right up to the current first team,and all set out in the shape of the club's badge to boot.

Champions League: Arsenal Loanee Wojciech Szczesny Drops Clanger For Roma In Show Of Solidarity For David Ospina (Video)

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On a night of goalkeeping blunders in the Champions League, Arsenal's Polish glovesmanWojciech Szczesny made a right mess of a speculative long-range shot in Roma's Group E clash with BATE Borisov.

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Somehow positioning himself way to the left of his goal, the Gunners loanee was caught totally off-guardbyFilip Mladenovic's long-range strike, which really should have been saved with ease.

Champions League: Porto 1-2 Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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On yet another dismal night for Premier League sides in Europe, Chelsea went down 2-1 away at Jose Mourinho's old stomping ground, theEstadio do Dragao.

Mourinho left both Eden Hazard and Nemanja Matic on the bench but his side started brightly,with both Cesc Fabregas and Pedro forcing fellow compatriot Iker Casillas (making a record-breaking 152nd Champions League appearance) into a couple of good saves.

Champions League: Arsenal 2-3 Olympiakos (Photos & Highlights)

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At the Emirates on Tuesday night, Arsenal produced the most Arsenal of performances imaginable, with loads of possession, embarrassing defending, injury to a key player (Laurent Koscielny), chances fluffed, and the obligatory goal conceded soon after scoring. It was there for all to see, as it has been so many times over the years, as Olympiakos secured their first-ever win on English soil.

Chug-A-Lug: Esbjerg Striker Nicki Bille Nielsen Celebrates 94th Minute Equaliser With Well-Earned Beer (Video)

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The name may not be instantly familiar, but Esbjerg FB forwardNicki Bille Nielsen is, in technical terms,a bit of a bloody toe-rag.

As a younger man, Nicki Billewas infamous for his extracurricular distractions. Indeed, he once found himself staring down the barrel of an eight-year prison sentence for biting a policeman on a boozy night out in Copenhagen.

FIFA Finally Get Around To Banning Disgraced Ex-Vice President Jack Warner For Life

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FIFA have, today, finally, got around to banning disgraced ex-vice president Jack Warner from football for life.

Warner submitted what FIFA called a "self-determined resignation" back in June, which coincidentally came shortly before the US government began attempting toextradite himon charges of corruption and bribery.

Brazilian Referee To Undergo ‘Psychological Assessment’ After Brandishing Gun During Game (Video)

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A Brazilian referee has had his licence temporarily suspendedafter he pulled out a gun during a local amateur game.

The official in question, Gabriel Murta, brandished his weapon whenthe recent tie betweenBrumadinho and Amantes da Bola took a turn for the ugly.

Murta was allegedly punched and kicked by an Amantes da Bola player and so, in turn, asserted his authority by pulling a gun from the waistband of his shorts.

Lucky Punter Wins £45,000 From £5 Stake Thanks To Everton’s Remarkable Comeback Against West Brom

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Whereas most Everton fans came away from last night's dramatic come-from-behind win over West Brom counting their lucky stars, one spectacularly luckypunter came away counting his way through over £45,000's-worth of winnings.

Having already correctly predicted that Liverpool, Reading, Cardiff, Bury and Sheffield United would emerge victorious over theweekend, the anonymous fan was left nervously waiting on Everton to come good against the Baggies on Monday night.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s New Documentary Film Is As Ego-Fuelled As You Might Expect (Trailer Video)

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It's quite probably the last thing his yawning mega-ego needs, but Cristiano Ronaldo is the star of a new documentary film that is set to be released in cinemas next month.

The film, from the makers of the fantastic 'Senna' movie, is centred around Ronaldo's meteoric rise from the Portuguese islands to international footballing superstardom and all the various peaks and troughs betwixt and between.

On This Day In 2007: Highest-Scoring Premier League Match Ever As Portsmouth Thump Reading 7-4

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"It's difficult to analyse a match like that," said famously deadpan Reading manager Steve Coppell after an extraordinary afternoon at Fratton Park, 29th September 2007.

Portmouth's 7-4 drubbing of Reading is still the highest-scoring Premier League game ever, withPompey striker Benjani going on to score a hat-trick in a maddening game which, at half-time, was finely poised with the home side just 2-1 up.

Young Liverpool ‘Keeper Has Swindon Loan Cut Short After Paying Off £50 Fine In Pennies

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Liverpool reserve goalkeeper Lawrence Vigouroux has had his loan spell at Swindon Town cut acrimoniously short after attempting to pay a £50 club fine in pennies.

The 21-year-old stopper joined the League One side in August and hadstarted every league game up until the point he was dropped for Saturday's 2-1 defeat against Colchester.

Sao Paulo Escorted To The Pitch By Dog Mascots To Promote Local Adoption Campaign (Photos)

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To help promote a city-wide drive to encourage more folks to adopt stray dogs, the Sao Paulo players were joined on their walk(ies) from the tunnel ahead of Sunday's Serie A clash against Palmeiras by an entire kennel's worth of canine companions.

Amazingly enough, the pre-match handshakes somehow didn't devolve into chaos as the wee doggies waited patiently in linefor kick-off.

Pies’ Top 5 Greatest Club Sides Of The Modern Era

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Tottenham players carry the FA Cup trophy on a lap of honour after completing a league/cup double with a 2-0 win over Leicester at Wembley, May 1961

On the anniversary of Ajax's dominant victory in the 1972 Intercontinental Cup, Pies thought it timely to once again posethe ever-contentious question: Just who were the greatest club side of all time?

Official: Aston Villa Young’n Jack Grealish Commits International Future To England

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Not that any of yougive the slightest fig, but Jack Grealish has finally removed his buttock crevice from the international footballing fence and declared that he intends to be as regarded as English from this point on.

The 20-year-old Aston Villa winger was born in Solihull but has represented the Republic of Ireland at every age since Under-17 level, barring the senior side.

Argentinian Striker Clambers Into Ambulance After Scoring, Gets Booked For His Troubles (Video)

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Over in the Argentinian third division, Lujan beatArgentino Merlo 4-0 with strikerMariano Gorosito helping himself to the third goal inMonday afternoon's rout.

Indeed, Gorosito apparently felt his strike was so gosh-darn finethat he needed immediatelyrushing to hospital to test for further symptomsof the acute goal fever he was obviously coming down with.

On This Day In 1972: Ajax Beat Independiente In The Intercontinental Cup To Underline The Dominance Of Totaal Voetbal

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The 1972 Intercontinental Cup saw the winners of the 1971/72 European Cup, Ajax, pitted against the winners of the 1972 Copa Libertadores, Independiente, over two legs to ascertain (in a roundabout way) which club side was the best in the world at that particular juncture.

Coming into the first leg in Buenos Aires, the famous Ajax side of Johan Cruyff, Johnny Rep and Johan Neeskens had just won the Eredivisie, the Dutch Cup, and theirsecond European Cup the season previous.

Heroic Goalkeeper Scores 94th Minute Overhead Kick Equaliser In FA Cup Qualifier (Video)

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Hats off to Holbeach United goalkeeper Ricky Drury, for this lastweekend truly belonged to him.

With his side 1-0 down to Worcester City in an FA Cup preliminary tie and the clock ticking over into the fifth minute of injury time, Drury popped up with a spectacular acrobatic equaliser to save the day.

Two-Bedroom Apartment On Site Of Arsenal’s Old Highbury Stadium Could Be Yours For Just £650,000

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As you probably well know, when Arsenal left Highbury for the plush new environs of the Emirates in 2006it took precisely two shakes of a lamb's tailbefore their old home was being torn down and developed into a posh apartment complex (see above).

While only the famous old Highbury façade and the magnificent marble reception hall remains of the original ground, the complex is a faithful homage to the old stadium site with four "stands" facing inwards on an internal "pitch",i.

Touchy Feely: Poor Zlatan Ibrahimovic Just Wants A Cuddle (Video)

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And of course by 'cuddle', of course we mean 'to choke out anything within a two-metre radius of himself'...

Don't mess with #Zlatan

A video posted by Football • Soccer • Futbol (@futbolsport) on Sep 26, 2015 at 9:48pm PDT

Nothing untoward going on here.

Former Newcastle Wideman Hatem Ben Arfa Bags Beautiful Brace For Nice v St. Etienne (Video)

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Hatem Ben Arfa's natural talent has never been questioned, however, the French playmaker's lack of consistency and lack of discipline has stalled what should be a dazzling, high-achieving career. Back in France with Nice after an unfulfilled period in the Premier League with Newcastle and Hull, the 28-year-old looks to be rediscovering his best form, judging by his superb brace against Ligue 1 high-flyers St.

The Best Bits: Newcastle 2-2 Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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Two second-half goals rescued Chelsea from yet another Premier League defeat this season as Steve McClaren's Newcastle came within a whisker of their their first win of the campaign.

The home side, so poor in recent fixtures, were full of running in the first-half against a Chelsea side, who looked short of ideas.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 3-0 Sunderland (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United hauled themselves to the the top of the Premier League table after a deserved3-0 win at home to Sunderland which saw Wayne Rooney end his 11-game goal-drought.

Despite dominating for long periods of the first-half, the hosts struggled to break down Dick Advocaat's side.

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The Best Bits: Liverpool 3-2 Aston Villa (Photos & Highlights)

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Daniel Sturridge found the back of the net for the first time since March, as Liverpool won a cracking clash with Aston Villa at Anfield.

With only just 66 seconds of the game gone, summer-signing James Milner netted his first goal for the Reds with a fine strike from outside the box.

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The Best Bits: Leicester 2-5 Arsenal (Photos & Highlights)

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Alexis Sanchez rediscovered his shooting boots, with the Chilean bagging a hat-trick as Arsenal ended Leicester's unbeaten start to the season on Saturday.

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Both sides started brightly, but it was the Foxes who scored first, with Jamie Vardy firing home from a tight angle after the home side counter-attacked with pace.

The Best Bits: Tottenham 4-1 Man City (Photos & Highlights)

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League leaders Manchester City's took a severe battering at White Hart Lane in Saturday's early game, with the Citizens going down 4-1 to Tottenham.

The visitors looked the more dangerous side from the start, with Sergio Aguero seeing a curling effort saved by Hugo Lloris.

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Tottenham: Harry Kane Ends Goal Drought With Smart First-Time Finish Against Man City (Video)

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He hadn't scored a Premier League goal since nabbing the winner against Everton on the final day of last season beforehand, but Harry Kane finally scored his first club goal of the season in Tottenham's astonishing 4-1 demolition of Man City at White Hart Lane this afternoon.

With an hour gone and Spurs already 2-1 up at the time, Kane reacted sharply to sweephome the rebound after Christian Eriksen's freekick had come back off the post.

Dick Advocaat Explains THAT Classic Photo Of Himself, Louis Van Gaal And Two Young Ladies Wearing Nowt But Body Paint

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With Dick Advocaat's Sunderland squaring off against Louis van Gaal's Manchester United in the Premier League today, the opportunity has been seized to once again circulate what must surely rank as one of the most iconic sporting images of our time.

The photo you see above you of Advocaat and Van Gaal squatting coyly beside a pair of scantily clad ladies was taken as part of a promo set for the Eredivisie clash between PSV and Ajax in 1995.

Lump It Up: Norwegian Goalkeeper Scores Freekick Equaliser From Inside His Own Half (Video)

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Because everybody loves the sheer joy of a goalscoring goalkeeper, here's IK Start stopper (a slightlyconfusing turn of phrase, admittedly)Hakon Opdal humping an almighty freekick past his opposite number from just inside his own half against Valerenga last night...

Now there's no way he meant that, but kudos to Opdal for having the brass cojones to celebrate it like he did!

Japanese Side JEF United To Play In Special ‘Puppy Themed’ Kits To Celebrate 10 Year Anniversary (Photos)

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Withthe ten-year anniversary of their stadium coming up, Japanese second division side JEF United Ichihara Chiba have decided to mark it in the only way Japanese football clubs mark any milestone: by releasing a spectacularly hideous special edition kit.

In honour of their twin club mascots, a pair of Akitapuppies called Jeffy and Unity, the players will be forced to wear these impressively gaudy new kits while marching out into theFukuda Denshi Arena at some point in the very near future.

FA Slap One-Match Ban On Arsenal’s Gabriel As Fallout From Stamford Bridge Hoo-Ha Continues

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Despite seeing his three-match ban following that infamous red card at Stamford Bridge chalked off, Arsenal centre-half Gabriel has now been given a one-match ban by the FA for his behaviour after the initial sending-off following his altercation with Chelsea's Diego Costa.

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FIFA Corruption: Swiss Attorney General Collars Sepp Blatter On ‘Suspicion Of Criminal Mismanagement’

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Breaking news from yonder Zurich way this afternoon is that the Swiss attorney general has reportedly opened criminal proceedings against Sepp Blatter.

According to a statement issued by the attorney general's office, the FIFA president is currently beinginvestigated "on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as alternatively on suspicion of misappropriation".

‘There Is Only One Manager Under No Pressure To Achieve Anything’ – Jose Mourinho Aims Another Boring Barb In Arsene Wenger’s Direction

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Wow Jose. Much mind games. So genius. Wow

Jose Mourinho has used his Friday press conference to aim yet another boring, petty and thinly-veiled barb in Arsene Wenger's direction.

In other news, the Atlantic Ocean is still registeringon the damper end of the wet scale.

FIFA Confirm Qatar 2022 World Cup Will Begin In November And End Before Christmas

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FIFA have officiallyconfirmed that the 2022 World Cup in Qatar will be over and done with beforeChristmas.

As announced today, the tournament will begin on 21st November and the final will be played on 18th December Qatar's national holiday.

The keen-eyed among you may have noticed that we'll be getting a 28-day World Cup, which is four fewer than usual.

Lights Out: Non-League Brigg Town FC Forced To Cancel Match Over Five-Year-Old Unpaid Electricity Bill

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Brigg Town chairman Simon Harris (Photo: David Haber)

Not only areBrigg Town FC rock bottom of the Northern Counties East Premier Division at the moment, they're also facing an uncertain financial future after being stung by an unpaid electricity bill from 2010.

Indeed, Brigg who have a strong claim to beingthe world's oldest non-defunct football club, having formed in 1864 were forced to cancel Wednesday night's game against Athersley Recreation because they wereunable to come up with the money to pay the bill off.

‘I Would Play For Arsenal If I Had The Chance’ – Even Pele Reckons He Could Do A Better Job Than Olivier Giroud

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Photo: Getty/10Ten Talent

After bouncing back from a recent bout of illness, Pele is in London at the moment opening thenew "Art, Life, Football" exhibit a collection of works dedicated to and inspired by Brazil's legendary No. 10.

Of course, Pele found time for a bit of a chin wag with the hacks in attendance and, once pushed, revealed that were he still playing today, he'd really rather like to have a stab at playing up-front for Arsenal.

Clanger: Clumsy Arse Zacatepec ‘Keeper Bungs One In Off Back Of Oblivious Striker’s Head (Video)

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Another fantastic finish by Rick O'Shea

A rather fantastical bollock was dropped in theCopa MX last night when Zacatepec goalkeeper Javier Caso proved a little too eager withhis distribution.

Upon gathering a soft free-kick, Caso attempted to launch a quick counter-attack by hurling the ball upfield to his teammates.

On This Day In 1993: Efan Ekoku Makes History With Four Quickfire Goals In Norwich’s 5-1 Demolition Of Everton

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Nigerian striker Efan Ekoku was on a roll when Norwich City rolled into Goodison on September 25th, 1993.

Just ten days prior, Ekoku had scored the Canaries' first ever goal in European competition, finding the net in their 3-0 first-leg win overVitesse Arnhem in the first round of the UEFA Cup (Norwich went on to famously beat Bayern Munich over two legs in the second round before eventually succumbingto Inter Milan in the third).

FIFA 16 Fan Devastated After Dog Eats Brand New Game Before He Gets Home From Work (Photos)

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Just an unspecific grinning dog. Enjoy.

Spare a thought for poor old Watford fan Karl, who returned home from work on Wednesday evening all giddy in the knowledge that his brand new copy of FIFA 16 would be waiting on the doormat for him having been delivered during the day.

Vancouver Whitecaps Hitman Robert Earnshaw Unleashes Almighty 35-Yard Freekick vs Seattle Sounders (Video)

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We quite honestly thought he's retired but it turns out that Robert Earnshaw is still plugging away at the statelyold age of 34 having signed for the Vancouver Whitecaps back in March.

Indeed, Earnshaw started up-front for the 'Caps in Thursday's CONCACAF Champions League clash with Seattle Sounders and immediately repaid the faith by unleashing this almighty beast of a free-kick.

Shit Lookalike: Bearded Joe Allen & Hank Scorpio (Of ‘The Simpsons’ Fame)

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As you may or may not have noticed, monotone Liverpool midfielder Joe Allen is sporting a brave new look this season.

In fact, the Welshman's ginger face shrubbery gives him the look of Hank Scorpio Homer Simpson's demented boss in the episode "You Only Move Twice"...

World class spot from Pies fan Tim Somers.

Perpetual Fashion Disaster Charles N’Zogbia Arrives At Aston Villa Training Dressed Like A Sith Lord (Photo)

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Why it seems like onlyyesterday that we were all laughing at Charles N'Zogbia for wearing the cushion covers from his nan's sofa to Aston Villa training.

Well, the Frenchman has once again left allsartorial boundariesquiveringin his wake by turning up at Bodymoor Heath looking like a prize plum once again.

Top 10 Devilishly Handsome Italian Football Shirts Of The 1990s

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Channel 4's Football Italia programmegave many an English schoolboy a glimpse into the foreign and elegant world of Serie A in the early to mid 1990's.

Pies, like many of our brethren,instantly fell head-over-heels in love with these debonair new teams, their fancy nicknames, Jimbo Richardson, his pink newspapers and ornate breakfast pastries, the sound of Peter Brackley's voice and, of course, the beautiful, beautiful kits on display.

Regular Guy: Crystal Palace Defender Brede Hangeland Caught The Train Home After League Cup Tie (Photos)

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Shortly after Crystal Palace had stuck four past near-neighbours Charlton in the League Cup last night, defender Brede Hangeland was spotted mingling among us mere mortals as he made his way home again.

Indeed, Hangeland was photographed patiently waiting for a train at Selhurst station just like a real person might.

Gremio Midfielder Douglas Hides Inside Pre-Match Huddle To Take Sneaky Leak On The Pitch (Video)

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Players have been enjoying stealthy tinkles on the pitch since the dawn of time, so kudos are definitely due to Gremio midfielder Douglas for putting a fresh new spin on the art form.

Before his side'sCopa Do Brazil tie against Fluminense, Douglas had his teammates circle around him to protect his modesty while he voided his bladder all over the hallowed Maracana turf.

On This Day In 1991: Arsenal Shell Out £2.5m To Sign Ian Wright (Wright, Wright!) From Crystal Palace

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Photo: Stuart MacFarlane/CSport

Ian Wright was a ripe 28-years-old when Arsenal signed him from Crystal Palace for a then club record fee of £2.5million in late September, 1991.

At the time, doubts were expressed about the wisdom of paying so much for a player who had spent six seasons at Selhurst Park after coming to professional football relatively late – he signed his first pro forms aged 22 after being spotted playing in the local non-leagues for Greenwich Borough.

Horror Hair: All Hail Carlisle Winger Bastien Héry And His Abysmal Candy Floss Puffball Dye-Job (Photo)

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Gird yourselves for this one Pies fans, as it truly is a Horror Hair offering for the ages.

This man is Bastien Héry, otherwise known as the bloke whose fluffed penalty against Liverpool sent Carlisle toppling out of the Capital One Cup last night...

Appalling. Just...appalling.

We'd like to thank Talking Baws for pointing out thatHéry appears to have asked his barber to sort him out with 'the Nando's chicken' look.

Capital One Cup: Arsenal Fans Rip Down Signs At White Hart Lane As Tottenham Derby Descends Into Idiocy (Photos)

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While hardly the most volatile North London Derby on record, last night's Capital One Cup meeting between Tottenham and Arsenal at White Hart Lane still saw its fair share of uncouth behaviour.

Indeed, a gaggle of mischievous Arsenal fans tucked away in the corner made it their mission to slowly but surely dismantled the signage between the upper and lower tier as billboards were heavedfrom their rigging and tossed down to the lower level.

Capital One Cup: Chelsea Face Stoke Away, Man City Host Crystal Palace In Uninspiring Fourth Round Draw

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The draw for the fourth round of the Capital One Cup hasn't really thrown up any overly juicy clashes, although holders Chelsea face a potentially tricky away tie at Stoke.

Elsewhere Premier League leaders host fellow high-flyers Crystal Palace, Arsenal travel to Newcastle-slayers Sheffield Wednesday, Man Utd go head to head with Middlesbrough at Old Trafford and Liverpool, via a dramatic shoot-out win against Carlisle, face Bournemouth at Anfield.

Capital One Cup: Man Utd Youngster Andreas Pereira Bags Classy Free-Kick v Ipswich (Video)

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French wonderkid Anthony Martial has been grabbing all the headlines lately at Old Trafford, but in Tuesday night's League Cup clash with Ipswich Townat Old Trafford, Manchester United youngsterAndreas Pereira made his mark courtesy of a superb free-kick.

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The Red Devils were already a goal up against Mich McCarthy's Tractor Boysside when the Belgium-born Brazilian midfielderPereira lined up a free-kick outside the box.

Capital One Cup: Arsenal Find Their New No.9 As Mathieu Flamini Nets Match-Winning Brace in North London Derby (Video)

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Well it looks like Arsenal have finally found their new No. 9, in the 31-year-old shape of Gallic grunt Mathieu Flamini.In the season's first North derby on Wednesday night, the Gunners ran out 2-1 winners against Tottenham to book their place in the fourth round of the Capital One Cup, with none other then Flamini the two-goal hero for the visitors.

Close, But No Cigar: Tottenham Attempt To Present Ice Hockey Legend Wayne Gretzky With His Own Personalised Shirt (Photo)

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When Wayne Gretzky (pretty much the most famous ice hockey player of all time) showed his face at White Hart Lane to watch tonight's game against Arsenal, Tottenham decided to lay on the full VIP treatment.

This included having Ledley King present Gretzy with his very own personalised Spurs shirt a lovely gesture that the club almost very nearly got sort of right.

Liverpool ‘Vehemently Deny’ Approaching Carlo Ancelotti Behind Brendan Rodgers’ Back

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Liverpool have moved to quash today's spurious tittle-tattle linking them with a shifty covert approach for Carlo Ancelotti.

The rumours, originally delivered unto the worldup by Italian website Calciomercatoweb(hardly a bastion of journalistic integrity),have since been picked up and regurgitated by several major newspapers today.

Doctor Eva Carniero Quits Chelsea After Failing To Get ‘Simple Apology’ From Jose Mourinho

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As you're no doubt aware, it was announced yesterday that Dr Eva Carneirohas decided to leave Chelsea somesix weeks after being publicly barracked by Jose Mourinho for having the temerity to run onto the pitch totreat an injured (in the most tenuoussense of the word) Eden Hazard.

For her crimes, Dr Carneiro saw her role as club doctor downgraded by Mourinho, as she was told to not attend training sessions, competitive games and/or the Chelsea team hotel in the immediate aftermath.

Mario Balotelli Re-Activates AC Milan Account With Stylish Freekick Against Udinese (Video)

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With just five minutes on the clock, Mario Balotelli got AC Milan up and running against Udinese in Serie A last night by whipping in a stylish free-kick into the top corner to open the scoring.

Milan went on to win the game 3-2, with Balotelli's set-piece marking his first goal since returning to the Rossoneri on loan over the summer.

TV Producers Fear Crowd Noise From Manchester United’s League Cup Game Might Disrupt Live Episode Of Coronation Street

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Coronation Street producers are reportedly concerned that crowd noise emanating from Manchester United's League Cup tie against Ipswich will be audible during tonight's special 60th anniversary live episode.

The live episode is due to air at 7:30pm on ITV1, with the United game kicking off around 15 minutes thereafter.

On This Day In 1986: Liverpool Stick 10 Unanswered Goals Past Fulham To Secure League Cup Record

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Back in the days when Liverpool used to dominate the footballing landscape and the League Cup was sponsored by Littlewoods, the Redsromped their way toa competition record win in a second round, first-leg tie against Fulham at Anfield.

Liverpool were defending league champions, and had won the league cup four times running between 1981 and 1984.

Guilty: Chelsea’s Diego Costa Cops Three-Match FA Ban For Violent Conduct During Blues’ Bust-Up With Arsenal

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Chelsea agent provocateur Diego Costa has been handed a three-match ban by the FA for violent conduct during last weekend's now infamous clash with Arsenal at Stamford Bridge.

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The Spanish international had denied the charge, which came after video evidence showed the striker walloping Arsenal's Laurent Koscielny in the face during Chelsea's controversial 1-0 win.

High Five! Bayern Munich Super-Sub Robert Lewandowski Nets Five Goals In Nine Incredible Minutes v Wolfsburg (Video)

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1-0 down at half-time, Bundesliga behemoths were struggling against Wolfsburg at the Allianz Arena. However, Pep Guardiola's decision to replace Thiago Alcantara at the break with Robert Lewandowski proved to be a 100% certifiable master stroke, with the Polish hitman netting five goals in an incredible nine minute spell.

Pies Classics: ‘I Will Follow Ronaldo’ – The Finest Football Tribute Song In The History Of Recorded Music (Video)

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Today is Ronaldo's 39th birthday, so we thought we'd celebrate O Fenemo's gradual transition into middle age by re-introducing you to finest tribute he has ever been paid.

Presenting 'I Will Follow Ronaldo', otherwise known as the single greatest football hymn ever recorded and a work of pure, unfettered genius as angelically sung by an hostof the Brazilian striker's footballing contemporaries.

Eric Cantona Inspired By Grandparents’ Plight To ‘House And Feed’ Refugee Family For Two Years

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Eric Cantona has informed a French radio station that he is planning to 'house and feed' a refugee family for at least two years and that he was inspired to act by what his grandparents went through while fleeing the Spanish civil war.

Cantona told France Inter that he is planning to provide a small house, a garden and food for a family of refugees for "at least" two years.

Sir Alex Ferguson Reveals Seven Superstars He Unsuccesfully Tried To Sign For Manchester United

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My way or the highway

As mentioned earlier, Sir Alex Ferguson is currently doing the rounds while plugging the release of his new book.

As such,extracts are currently being leaked/serialised all over the place, giving us a little more insight into Fergie's largely clandestine tenure at Manchester United.

Keylor Navas Admits He ‘Cried At The Airport’ When His Proposed Move To Manchester United Broke Down

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Real Madrid goalkeeper Keylor Navas has admitted that he burst into tears at the airport when he learned that his proposed move to Manchester United (as a makeweight in the David De Gea deal) had fallen through on transfer deadline day.

However, the Costa Rican stopper wasn't moved to tears by seeing his dreams of playing behind Chris Smalling go up in smoke.

On This Day In 2013: Man City Thrash Manchester United 4-1 In David Moyes’ First Derby In Charge

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It was arguably the match which signalled a switch in football power in Manchester the Blues finally emerging out from under the Reds' shadow in David Moyes' first Mancunian derby in charge of the latter.

City had played second fiddle in Manchester for years, but now the side was backed by one of the richest owners in world football and packed with stars, while United were struggling to adjust to life without the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson in the manager's seat.

Manchester United: Sir Alex Ferguson Admits Attempt To Gazump Rooney’s Pay Dispute, Reveals Which Chelsea Player Annoyed Him Most

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With another book to plug, Sir Alex Ferguson has been all over the shop of late.

Indeed, the former Manchester United overlord has been dropping quote bombs left, right and centre, shedding a few more slivers of light on his long and storied stint at Old Trafford.

Writing in his latest tome, simply entitled 'Leading', Ferguson has revealed how he attempted to nix Wayne Rooney's humongous pay increase when the striker threw a contract wobbly in 2010.

Cristiano Ronaldo Offers One Lucky Fan The Chance To Witness His Pre-Clasico Hair Cut

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Being the philanthropic sort of chap he is, Cristiano Ronaldo is offering one lucky fan the chance to sit beside him in hushed awe as the Real Madrid manreceives his pre-Clasico haircut.

In conjunction with the Artists for Peace and Justice campaign group, Ronaldo is raffling off a special VIP package centred around the match, that includes a ticket, a pre-game meal, a stay in a four-star hotel and the aforementioned trip to the barbers.

Liverpool Fans Urged To ‘Dress Up As Jurgen Klopp’ For Upcoming Aston Villa Game

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Liverpool fans have been urged to dress up as Jurgen Klopp to attend this Saturday's game against Aston Villa at Anfield in the hope of sending anon-too-subtle message to the club's owners that Brendan Rodgers' shtick is wearing thin.

Twitter fan account The Anfield Chat have called upon their 122,000 followers to don Liverpool-coloured tracksuits, black-rimmed glasses and baseball caps in a bid to fill the Kop with Klopp replicas.

Tottenham’s Toby Alderweireld Forced To Play ‘Zany’ Foot-Pool Game On Club Website (Video)

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We are aware of the rather successful 'Foot-Golf' craze, with many of you no doubt enjoying a round of the silly but fun game. However, we fear that 'Foot-Pool', as featured on Spurs TV here, may not take off.

The wacky/zany/madcap idea to feature the game was no doubt the brainwave of some Soccer AM-worshipping pre-pubescent 'media creative' at the club, in the hope of competing with all the other silliness puked out onto the web by clubs desperate for hits.

Thanks To Modern Football, Livingston Will Have To Play Home Games At ‘The Tony Macaroni Arena’

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Thanks to professional football's ever-increasing dependency oncorporatecoin being as it is, Scottish Championship sideLivingston will now be playing their home games at...wait for it...the Tony Macaroni Arena.

Wow. That's got to be right up/down there with KitKat Crescent, theBargain Booze Stadium,sportsdirect.

Violent Conduct: FA Charge Diego Costa, Gabriel, Arsenal And Chelsea Over Stamford Bridge Ding-Dong

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The FA have slapped their danglies down on the desk this afternoon by chucking disciplinary charges at absolutelyeverybody involved in Saturday's ding-dong between Chelsea and Arsenal.

Both Diego Costa and Gabriel Paulista have been charged with violent conduct, while both Chelsea and Arsenal have been charged with a failure to control their players.

‘Everyone Knows He Likes To Cheat A Lot’ – Kurt Zouma Gives Chelsea Teammate Diego Costa Glowing Character Reference

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Kurt Zouma has come out in support of his much-maligned Chelsea teammate Diego Costa as the fallout from the striker's contentious performance in Saturday's 2-0 win over Arsenal continues to...well, fall out.

Althought, when we say "comes out in support", what we actually mean is "inadvertently admonish asa cheat".

Seriously? Over 61,000 Arsenal Fans Sign Anti-Mike Dean Petition In Wake Of Controversial Chelsea Performance

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Not content with stinging a Diego Costa-soundalike coffee chainwhere it hurts, thousands upon thousands of irate Arsenal fans have flocked to sign an online petition to prevent Mike Dean from refereeing their games in the future.

Dean has become the focus of Gooner ire after failing to disciplineDiego Costa while the Chelsea striker busied himself single-handedly winding up the Arsenal defence for large swathes of the Blues' controversial 2-0 win on Saturday afternoon.

Seriously? Arsenal Fans Boycott Costa Coffee Over Chelsea Namesake Diego’s Unsporting Conduct

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In the aftermath of Diego Costa's much-discussed git masterclass against Arsenal on Saturday, hordes of narked Gooners have taken it upon themselves toright the pugnacious Chelsea striker's myriad wrongs.

Costa's relentless antagonismeventually culminated in Arsenal defender Gabriel Paulista being sent-off for (fairly meekly) lashing out at his man.

Neon Dreams: Nike Roll Out New Paint-Splattered ‘Electro Flare’ Boot Pack For Winter 2015/16 (Photos)

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'Tis that time of year again when the days begin to shorten, the air begins to nip and Nike roll out their customary winter boot pack.

This year's "Electro Flare" batch sees all of Nike's signature lines the Superfly, the Magista, the Vapor, the Hypervenom and the Tiempo receive a Jackson Pollock-esque splattering of neon paint to help illuminate those long, dark winter nights.

On This Day In 1983: Pat Jennings Becomes The First Irishman To Win 100 International Caps

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When Big Pat Jennings turned out between the sticks for Northern Ireland against Austria in Belfast on 21st September, 1983, he made history as it was, the Newry-born goalkeeper becamethe first Irish player to make 100 appearances for his country.

Northern Ireland won the European qualifier 3-1, and Pat went on to play a further 19 times for the national team.

Francesco Totti Scores 300th Career Goal, Roma Salute Milestone With Lovely Mosaic Tribute (Photo)

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Landmark moment for @OfficialASRoma legend Francesco Totti as he scores his 300th goal for the club. #SerieA http://t.co/ZcOJblmOKP

— BT Sport Football (@btsportfootball) September 20, 2015

At the grand old age of 38, Francesco Totti wafted home Roma's first equaliser in their 2-2 draw withSassuolo at the weekend.

Marseille Fans Hang Bloody Effigy Of ‘Traitor’ Mathieu Valbuena On His Return To Stade Velodrome (Photo)

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Mathieu Valbuena endured a rough old night in Ligue 1 last night on his first return to his former side Marseille since signing for rivals Lyon over the summer.

The titchy midfielder became a firm fan favourite at Marseille during his eight-year stint at the club before upping sticks in favour of a lucrative move to Dynamo Moscow in 2014.

Snapshot: Porto Fans Produce Flaming Tifo Ahead Of O Clasicco Clash With Benfica

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Before the first O Classico clash of the new Portuguese season, Porto fans really went to town on their pre-match Tifo at the Estádio do Dragão,producing stunning flaming eyes for their trademark dragon...

Here's another photo of the incredible creation...

The Dragons went on to win the clash with Benfica 1-0, courtesy of this late goal from summer-signing Andre Andre (so good they named him twice).

Chelsea Loanee Mohamed Salah Volleys Home Cracker For Roma v Sassuolo (Video)

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Egyptian winger Mohamed Salah may not have impressed Jose Mourinho during his time at Stamford Bridge, but on loan with Roma at the weekend, he showed just what he's capable of, firing home a superb volley againstSassuolo.

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Salah's goal came early in the second-half after Sassuolo had gone in at the break 2-1 up.

The Best Bits: Norwich 1-1 Liverpool (Photos & Highlights)

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After joining up late with his team-mates due to the birth of his son, Norwich defenderRussell Martin celebrated in style by netting the goal whichsecured a share of the spoils for Norwich City at Anfield on Sunday. The game also saw the return of Daniel Sturridge to the Liverpool ranks after five months on the sidelines while Danny Ings netted his first goal for the Reds.

The Best Bits: Southampton 2-3 Man Utd (Photos & Highlights)

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A brace from French wonderkid Anthony Martial helped Manchester United to a 3-2 win at St. Mary's, a result which propels the Red Devils into second place in the table.

However, the visitors started poorly with Daley Blind struggling to deal with Graziano Pelle. On 13 minutes, United fell behind courtesy of an effort from the Italian.

FAIL: PSG’s Ego-In-Chief Zlatan Ibrahimovic Misses Open Goal v Reims (Video)

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic's goalless start to the 2015/16 continued on Friday night, with the Swedish super-ego missing an open goal by heading wide.

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Ibra's unholy miss came just after the hour-mark as Laurent Blanc's side looked to return to winning ways in the league after last week's 2-2 draw with Bordeaux.

The Best Bits: Man City 1-2 West Ham (Photos & Highlights)

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West Ham superb away form continued on Saturday, with the Hammers' halting Manchester City's 100% start to the season at the Etihad.

The omens weren't good for the hosts when David Silva injured himself in the warm-up, with Jesus Navas taking his place in an 11 featuring Kevin De Bruyne making his first start for the club.

Chelsea Post Another Bizarre One-Sided Match Report After Diego Costa and Mike Dean Cheat Arsenal

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Not a foul

Ridiculed for its absurd report on a 0-3 defeat at Manchester City, the Chelsea website has once more been writing in blinkers. Chelsea striker Diego Costa should have been sent off before Arsenal lost Gabriel for reacting to the Spaniard's goading when the sides met inthePremier League today.

Stoke City’s Bojan Krkic Marks First Start Since Twanging His ACL In January With Goal Against Leicester (Video)

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It took Bojan Krkic just 13 minutes to find the back of the net against Leicester City this afternoon his first Premier League start for Stoke since tearing an ACL back in January.

Thankfully, it looks like eight long months spent convalescing on the sidelines hasn't done Bojan'srazor-sharp finishing instincts any discernibleharm.

The Best Bits: Chelsea 2-0 Arsenal (Photos & Highlights)

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A handshake between Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger, albeitonelacking much warmth, preceded a London derby which was anything but amicable, with two red cards for the Gunners helping Chelsea on their way to a much-needed Premier League win.

The hosts started brightly, with Diego Costa a threat up front.

Chelsea 2-0 Arsenal: Dirty Diego Costa Reels Through His Entire Risible Repertoire (Videos)

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Chelsea were on rare old form against Arsenal this afternoon, with Jose Mourinho's side adopting spoiling tactics from the outset as they hustled their way to a 2-0 win at the Bridge.

The game was tailor-made for Diego Costa, who was in his element as he baited, goaded, dived, slapped,bitched and whined his merry way through the match the Chelsea fans gleefully serenading his efforts as he reeled through his entire risible repertoire.

Tottenham: Andros Townsend’s Girlfriend Takes Issue With Fine After Mistaking Football Manager For Real Life

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As the line between Football Manager and reality becomes ever more blurred, it would appear that people are now struggling to distinguish between the two.

Take Andros Townsend's girlfriend Hazel O'Sullivan for example, who yesterday made one heck of a gaffe after confronting the Tottenham winger over a supposed "fine" he'd landed for being late to training a fine she'd read about on the computer.

Hearts’ New Third Kit Features Names Of Thousands Of Fans Incorporated Into Design (Photos)

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At first glance it all looks a little bit glitchy and grey, but in actual fact a lot of thought and generosity has gone into Hearts' brand new third kit.

Incorporated into the design of the "tribute kit" are thousands of names, each signifying a proud member of the SPL side's Foundation of Hearts (FoH) the non-profit, supporter-led organisationthat helped rescue the Jambos from the brink of financial implosion a couple of years agoand now own a majority stake in the club, as headed by chairwomanAnn Budge.

Crystal Palace Boss Alan Pardew Goads Tottenham (Possibly Accidentally) With Beautiful Off-The-Cuff Zinger

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Not that his ego needs massaging at the best of times, but Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew is striding around town like Billy Big Balls at the moment with his side playing some decent stuff and riding high in the Premier League as a consequence.

Having already dryly thanked Chelsea for "playing their part" in Palace's 2-1 win at Stamford Bridge a few weeks ago, Pardew was in similarly spry fettle during his pre-Tottenham press conference on Friday morning.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Books Out Entire Town Square So Ticketless Malmo Fans Can Watch Champions League Game Against PSG

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Never let it be said that Zlatan Ibrahimovic doesn't look after his own.

The PSG striker has booked out the main square in his hometown of Malmo in order to provide a means forticketless fans to watch Malmo's upcoming Champions League group tie against his current employers on 25th November.

Bayern Munich ‘Keeper Manuel Neuer Acts His Ärsche Off In New Coke Zero Advert (Video)

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With the Bundesliga buddying up to Coke Zero over the past couple of years, the latest German football star to show his face in one of their commercials is none other than Bayern Munich 'keeper Manuel Neuer.

To be fair to the lad, Neuer'sacting chops aren't half bad, though he is essentially playing himself that is, the version of himself that failed to make it as a professional sweeper-keeper as a youngster and instead landed a job amid the washed-out, drizzly, monotone world of software control.

On This Day In 2000: ‘The Tinkerman’ Arrives As Claudio Ranieri Takes Over At Chelsea

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Three days after fellow Italian Gianluca Vialli was shown the door following a poorstart to the 2000/01 season (one win in five sound familiar?), Claudio Ranieri was unveiled as the brand new manager of Chelsea.

Ranieri had previously made his name at Valencia, where he won a Spanish Cup and took the team into the Champions League.

Porto’s Classico Clash Against Benfica To Be First Ever Football Match Broadcast Live In Virtual Reality

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As the official Porto club website duly blarts: ESTADIO DO DRAGÃO MAKES HISTORY AGAIN WITH NEVER BEFORE SEEN BROADCAST.

Indeed, Porto fans will be able to watch this coming Sunday's Classico clash against Benfica in fully immersive, 360-degree virtual reality making it the first ever football match to be broadcast live in VR.

Claudio Ranieri Promises To Buy Leicester Players Pizza If They Keep Clean Sheet Against Stoke

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Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri has given his players a little smidge of extra motivation going into their next game against Stoke by promising to buy pizza for the entire squad to pizza if they manage to keep their firstclean sheet of the season on Saturday.

After watching his side claw their way back from 2-0 down to beat Aston Villa 3-2 last time out, Ranieri is keen to avoid having heart palpitations for a second week running and such has challenged the Foxes to keep their opponents at bay altogether.

FIFA Suspend Secretary General Jerome Valcke ‘Until Further Notice’ Over World Cup Ticket Scheme Allegations

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FIFA have suspendedsecretary general Jerome Valcke until further noticepending a formal investigation into fresh allegations of corruption within football's teetering governing body.

Valcke, who has served as Sepp Blatter's right-hand man since 2007, has been implicated in a ruseto supply thousands of 2014 World Cup tickets for re-sale on the black market.

Europa League – The Best Bits: Tottenham 3-1 FK Qarabag (Photos & Highlights)

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£22million man Son Heung-min bagged a brace on his home debut as Tottenham ran out deserved 3-1 winners against Azerbaijan side Qarabag.

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The visitors took and early lead, withRichard Almeida firing home a penalty after new-boy Kieran Trippier fouledAnsi Agolli in the box.

Europa League – The Best Bits: Bordeaux 1-1 Liverpool (Photos & Highlights)

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A late equaliser from Brazilian forward Jussie robbed Liverpool of all three points in their first Europa League fixture of the new season.

Brendan Rodgers started with teenager Jordan Rossiter in a holding midfield role while Belgian striker Divock Origi started in attack.

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Retro Football: Great Vintage Photo Of Nottingham Forest’s City Ground, Circa Early 1900s

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As part of the club's ongoing 150th-year celebrations, the Nottingham Post have dug out this corking vintage image ofNottingham Forest's City Ground stadium, as photographed from Trent Bridgeatthe turn of the 20th century...

As well as the rough footprint of the stadium and its environs being identical (not to mention the river traffic), the boathouses on the embankment are still standing to this day.

Woe Is Arsenal: Dinamo Zagreb Defeat Sees Arsene Wenger Set Unwanted Champions League Record

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In the act of watching his Arsenal side go down 2-1 against Dinamo Zagreb in the Champions League last night, Arsene Wenger passed an entirely unwanted managerial milestone...

Arsène Wenger becomes the first manager to lose 50 Champions League main tournament matches.

Arsenal Physio Colin Lewin ‘Hasn’t Had A Day Off In 10 Years’ Because Of Abou Diaby And Jack Wilshere

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What with Arsenal's players generally being made of warm chocolate, it shouldn't come as much surprise that the Gunners' poor physio hasn't enjoyed a day of leisure in quite some time.

In fact, it's been posited that Colin Lewin (cousin of England physio Gary) hasn't had a single day off work in over a decade as a direct result of Arsenal's myriad injury woes.

On This Day In 2007: Derby Beat Newcastle At Pride Park – The Only Win Of The Worst Season In Premier League History

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The 17th of September, 2007 proved to be a rare good day for Derby at Pride Park when débutante Kenny Miller scored the only goal of the game to secure three points against Newcastle.

It would be the only game the Rams won in the Premier League all season and it was a truly, shockingly bad season!

FAIL: Misguided Man City Fan Pays Homage To ‘Fernhandhinhio’ With Spelling Error-Strewn Tattoo Tribute (Photo)

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The man you see above is none other than Suraj Nandurkar, a medical student and Manchester City fan from Mumbai, India, showing off what just might be the most goof-riddledexample of football inkerywe've ever seen.

Deciding topress on with his tattoo without spell-checking anything beforehand, Suraj has had the names of City's current squad or, more accurately, City's 2010/2020 squad needled onto his forearm.

Oblivious: German Interviewer Mistakes Andre Schurrle For Pro Gamer So He Simply Goes Along With It (Video)

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Apologies as our translation may be a little off here, but what we think we're looking at is a German interviewer mistakenly lulled into thinking she was chatting with a professional Call of Duty gamer (yep, apparently such a thing exists).

In fact, shewasactually grilling Wolfsburg winger and World Cup winner Andre Schurrle, who is paid to shill for Call of Duty over in Germany and had turned up to wax lyrical about his favourite game.

Champions League – The Best Bits: Chelsea 4-0 Maccabi Tel Aviv (Photos & Highlights)

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Chelsea put their domestic woes to one side on Wednesday, with the Blues outclassing Maccabi Tel Aviv at Stamford Bridge.

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Jose Mourinho leftTerry,Matic, Costa and Ivanovic all on the bench while youngster Ruben Loftus-Cheek started in midfield.

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Champions League – The Best Bits: Dinamo Zagreb 2-1 Arsenal (Photos & Highlights)

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Arsenal became the third English side to lose on Match Day One of the new Champions League season after a poor night in Zagreb, with Olivier Giroud seeing red in the first-half.

Arsene Wenger changed half his team for the clash, with his mind no doubt on the weekend's Premier League clash with Chelsea.

Tamworth FC Player Forced To Have Spleen Removed After Accidental Collision With Opponent

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Tamworth FC midfielder Lee Smithwas admitted intointensive care after an on-field collision with an opponent left him needing an emergency splenectomy.

Smith came on as a 70th-minute substitute during Tamworth's 2-0 away win over Gainsborough Trinity in theNational League North on Tuesday night, but only last five minutes before accidentally colliding with a Trinity player.

Roma Cult Hero Alessandro Florenzi Wallops In An Absolute Monster From 60 Yards Against Barcelona (Video)

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Just 10minutes after Luis Suarez had put Barcelona 1-0 up with a headed tap-in, Roma midfielderAlessandro Florenzi went and levelled proceedings by humping in an absolute monster from 60-odd yards...

Wallop!

Why a 'cult hero' you ask? Well, those with sharp memories may recall that Florenzi is the bloke who endeared himself to football fans the world over last season when he celebrated his goal against Cagliari by leaping into the stands to celebrate with his 80-year-old nonna.

Celtic Politely Remind Fans Of ‘Need To Wash’ After Complaints Made About Dodgy Personal Hygiene At Parkhead

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Perhaps as a direct result of thepungent green gas they are known to emit, it would appear that Celtic fans have been warned by the club about maintaining their personal hygiene levels after several complaints were lodged about pernicious odours clouding the stands at Parkhead.

Celtic have written to their fans to remind them of the "need to wash" before attending matches, asper an official-looking letter that has been circulating on social media.

Brazil’s World Cup Superfan Clovis Acosta Fernandes Passes Away, Aged 60

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Sad news is reaching us today that Brazil's ever-present superfan Clovis Acosta Fernandes, seen here in a state of pure sorrowwhile watching Brazil get pasted by Germany at the 2014 World Cup, has passed away at the age of 60.

As well as providing one of the most iconic images of last summer's tournament, Clovis also attained cult hero status in his native Brazil for managing to get his face on camera at every single World Cup since 1990 following his beloved Selecao around the world and back in support of his heroes.

Viktoria Plzen’s David Limbersky Celebrates Goal With ‘Drunk Driving’ Routine Just Days After Crashing His Car While Drunk (Video)

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Just a fewdays prior toViktoria Plzen's 4-0 win overPribram in the Czech top flight on Sunday, defender David Limbersky found himself stripped of the club captaincy after wrapping his Bentley around a fence post while drunk behind the wheel and then attempting to flee the scene.

According to the Press Association report, Prague police said officers witnessed the crash early on Thursday and detained the driver after he tried to escape.

Zing: Newcastle Can’t Resist ‘Card’ Quip While Wishing Aleksandar Mitrovic Happy 21st Birthday

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Newcastle tried but ultimately failed to resist making a 'card' quip while wishing unruly striker Aleksandar Mitrovic a very happy 21st birthday today.

Having managed to collect two yellow cards and a red in the space of his first four Premier League appearances for the club, Newcastle's official Twitter made tongue-in-cheek reference to the £13million Serb's already impressive disciplinaryrap-sheet.

On This Day In 1972: Injured Linesman Sees TV’s Jimmy Hill Takes Over As Emergency Match Official (Video)

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The ever-slaloming career of Jimmy Hill took an even more remarkable turn on 16th September, 1972 at Arsenal's old Highbury ground.

The Gunners were playing Liverpool but the match looked set to be abandoned when linesman Dennis Drewitt tore his knee ligaments in the first half.

Alas, in those days there were no fourth officials, so an appeal was made to the crowd of just over 47,000 to see if there were any qualified referees present who would be able to run the line in Drewitt's stead.

Official: Argentinian Side CA Aldosivi Have The Coolest Stadium Tunnel In World Football (Photo)

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Can we all take a moment please to fully take in the glory of what surely must be the coolest tunnel in world football.

It belongs to Argentinian teamCA Aldosivi (Mauro Camoranesi's old side) and, at the behest of their fans, takes the shape of an enormous inflatable shark...

Photo: @rich9908/Twitter

Knock's Shalke's replica mineshaft tunnel into a cocked hat!

Cristiano Ronaldo Enjoys Another Record-Breaking Champions League Night With Hat-Trick Against Shakhtar

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It seems that never a game goes by when Cristiano Ronaldo doesn't manage to send at least one record toppling, and last night's Champions League run-out against Shakhtar Donetsk was no exception.

Real Madrid cruised their way to a4-0 victory at the Bernabeu, with Ronaldo helping himself to yet another hat-trick his eighth goal in the space of two games and his 33rd hat-trickfor Los Blancos.

PSV Defender Hector Moreno Tweets Best Wishes To Luke Shaw, Apologises For Leg-Breaking Tackle

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Good willfrom around the world has been pouring in for Luke Shaw after the Manchester United full-back suffered a particularly gruesome double leg fracture just 20 minutes into last night's Champions League opener against PSV.

Among Shaw'smany well-wishers was the man whose tackle resulted in the United mansplintering his tibia and fibia in one fell swoop, PSV defender Hector Moreno who also suffered a broken leg while playing for Mexico during last summer's World Cup.

Almost Blew It: Anthony Martial Comes Perilously Close To Missing Manchester United Team Bus Ahead Of PSV Clash (Photos)

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Having scored on his debut against Liverpool at the weekend, Anthony Martial was entrusted with his first Manchester United starting berth for last night's opening Champions League group stage defeat against PSV.

However, the teenage French striker almost blew his big chance when he came within seconds of missing United's team bus on the evening of the game.

Champions League: PSV 2-1 Man Utd (Photos & Highlights)

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Returning to the Champions League after a year out, Manchester United couldn't start their new Euro campaign with a win, instead losing 2-1 to an impressive PSV Eindhoven side, with an horrific injury to Luke Shaw adding to the misery for the Red Devils.

With only 15 minutes of the game gone, full-back Shaw was tackled in his own box by Hector Moreno.

Champions League – Man City 1-2 Juventus: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester City's Euro-woes look like continuing for another season after the Citizens went down 2-1 at home to Juventus on Tuesday night.

With Sergio Aguero on the bench after recovering from injury, Wilfried Bony started up front for the hosts.

View image | gettyimages.com

However, it was £49million man Raheem Sterling who had a great chance early on to open the scoring, only for the former Liverpool star to shoot straight at Gigi Buffon in the Juve goal.

Champions League: Real Madrid’s Sergio Ramos Produces Magnificently Theatrical Dive vs Shakhtar Donetsk (Video)

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Real Madrid got their 15/16 Champions League campaign off to an impressive start against Shakhtar Donetsk on Tuesday evening, with a Cristiano Ronaldo hat-trick helping the Spanish giants to a 4-0 win at the Bernabeu. Those goals took the Portuguese superstar to a record 80 Champions League goals.

Ouch: Luke Shaw Suffers Horrific Injury 20 Minutes Into Manchester United’s Champions League Opener Against PSV (Gruesome Video)

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There were troubling scenes during the early knockings of Manchester United's Champions League group stage opener against PSV tonight when Luke Shaw went down and stayed down with a particularly horrific looking injury.

The extent of Shaw's injury has yet to be ascertained, but several members of themedical staff attended to the United left-back on the pitch the young defender being given gas and airas he lay prostrate on the pitch for what felt like over10 minutes.

‘It’s Common Knowledge, He Never Liked Black People’ – El-Hadji Diouf Makes Serious Accusation In Response To Steven Gerrard Criticism

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El-Hadji Diouf has snapped back at Steven Gerrard in the wake of comments the former Liverpool captain made in his new autobiography about the gob-happy Senegalese forward and his general conduct during his ill-fated stint at Anfield.

For the unaware, Gerrard accused ex-teammate Diouf of having "no real interest in football" and "caring nothing for Liverpool" in his latest tome, My Story, also adding that the way Dioufspat a "huge globule of gunky phlegm" at a Celtic fan during a UEFA Cup match in 2003 summed up his "contemptuous and spiteful demeanour".

Retro: 36 Fantastic Examples Of British Football Programme Cover Art From The 1960s, 70s And 80s (Photos)

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In the eternal spirit of ‘things were so much better in my day-ness', Pies have traipsedback to the time when football programmes were lovingly crafted, bought for pennies and teams could show their players on the cover without negotiating withimage rights lawyers.

Before we proceed, we'd just like to mention that this post would not be possible were it not for the admirable work of retronaut supreme Miles McLagan (follow him on Twitter, @TheSkyStrikers), who has dedicated his precious time to collecting and archiving these wonderful nuggets of footballing folk art.

On This Day In 1982: Swansea City Rack Up Record Victory By Scoring 12 Goals In Europe

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With player-manager John Toshack at the helm and stars such as Leighton James and Jeremy Charles in their ranks, Swansea clambered their wayinto the top-flight for the first time ever ahead of the 1981/82 campaignafter rising from the bottom division of the Football League to the top in just four seasons.

10 Ridiculous Things Football Managers Have Seen Fit To Ban

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With Jose Mourinho outlawing any and all training ground banter in all its forms at Chelsea today, we thought we'd run the rule over other such managerial mandates.

Let's get started, shall we?

1. Alex Ferguson Coloured boots

Back in 2010, Fergie issued a declaration from on high that all Manchester United youth players were banned from wearing gaudy coloured boots up until the point they forced their way into the reserve/senior squad at which point the restrictions were lifted.

Chelsea Ban Training Ground ‘Banter’ In Desperate Bid To Arrest Early Season Slump

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Cobham is now a banter-free zone

Jose Mourinho's Chelsea have taken the nuclear option and hereby banned all training ground banter in a desperate bid to arrest their dismal start to the season.

Having taken just four points from their first five games, Chelsea are currently wallowing down in 17th place in the Premier League pile, just two points off the bottom of the table the club's worst start to a top-flight season in some 29 years.

Young Rubik’s Cube Keepy-Uppy Master Is Back With Brand New Trick – And It Involves Sprinkling Of George Michael! (Video)

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Gorgeous George: Effortlessly beautiful

Not content with merely being able to solve a Rubik's Cube puzzle in the space of 30 seconds while keeping a football aloft for the duration, the 11-year-old juggler supreme we featured on Pies a few days back has returned with a brand new trick this time with added George Michael.

Finally: Study Proves Diving In Premier League Is Entirely The Fault Of Dirty Cheating Foreign Players

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Photo: University of Portsmouth

The man you see afore you is Dr Thomas Webb i.e, the man responsible for proving once and for all what we have long since known to be true: that English football's diving epidemic is entirely the fault of those lousy, no-good cheating foreign players, coming over here; tumbling toour turf.

Irritated Liverpool Fan Launches Crowd-Funding Campaign To Raise £7m Required To Sack Brendan Rodgers

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In the wake of Liverpool's insipid performance in their 3-1 defeat against Manchester United at the weekend, one fan (among many others) has decided that when it comes to Brendan Rodgers and his guff, enough is finally enough.

Indeed, irked Reds fan Michael Gavin has set up a fund-raising drive to try and crowd-source the€10million (approximately £7million) he thinks it will require for the club's owners, Fenway Sports Group, to buy-out the remainder of Rodgers' contract.

‘F**king Hell’ – Jose Mourinho’s Tiny Little Sweary Pop At Roberto Martinez Blown Out Of All Proportion (Audio)

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While you may have seen itreported by the national press as a "sweary meltdown", it would appear that Jose Mourinho's supposed "furious bust-up" with Roberto Martinez after Everton's 3-1 win over Chelsea on Saturday has been shock horror blown out of all proportion.

The audio of the "X-rated rant" has since surfaced and, surprise surprise, it's all really rather tame.

On This Day In 2002: Leeds Make Rio Ferdinand’s Big Return To Elland Road A Misery

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For every rule there's an exception to prove it, and Rio Ferdinand's return to Elland Road served exactly that purpose as the defender suffered an agonising return to Leeds United in September of 2002 after leaving for despised foes Manchester United the previous summer.

Despite the old footballing mantra clearly stating that any returning player should have a stormer against his former club, Ferdinand's early-season cross-Pennines excursion back to his old stomping groundended in nothing but misery.

Bit Damp: Brazilian Second Division Match Allowed To Go Ahead Despite Pitch Clearly Being Underwater (Video)

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We'd just like to take a second to hereby commend the authorities that allowed the Brazilian Serie B game between Oeste and Boa Esporte to go ahead on Friday evening.

Amazingly enough, the officials in charge deemed the pitch in Itapolis to be perfectly playable despite a high percentage being flooded bya bout of heavy rain leading to astounding scenes such as these.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Mum Celebrates Her Son’s Historic Five-Goal Haul By Copying His ‘Siiii!!!’ Celebration (Video)

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As you've no doubt heard, Cristiano Ronaldo surpassed Raul to become Real Madrid's all-time leading La Liga goalscorer by helping himself to a mere five-goal haul in Real's 6-0 win over Espanyol on Saturday afternoon.

Ronaldo moved onto 230 league goals for Real, thus overtakingRaul on 228.

‘S**t, That Doesn’t Feel Right!’ – Steven Gerrard Once Cut His Penis Open During An FA Cup Game Against Bournemouth

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As well as revelations about his lack of rapportwith Rafa Benitez, being "suicidal" after the slip against Chelsea and having the brassto turn down the starring role in that Nivea For Men advert, Steven Gerrard's new autobiography contains adelightful tale of the time he required four stitches in a penis wound after Liverpool's FA Cup tie against Bournemouth last season.

Who Wants To See Daley Blind Riding Around Old Trafford On A Dolphin? Adidas UK Certainly Do (Video)

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Sometimes all the 'blue-sky thinking' and envelope-pushing can lead marketing 'creatives' up some very odd paths.

View image | gettyimages.com

Take this rather strange animation featuring Daley Blind riding a dolphin around (and eventually under) Old Trafford. The bizarre video, with the tagline 'Break Expectations',was Tweeted by Adidas UK at the very moment the Dutch defender fired home the Red Devils' opening goal against Liverpool on Saturday.

COYS: Tottenham Release Emmanuel Adebayor

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The most terrible moment ever

Emmanuel Adebayor is no longer a Tottenham player. Spurs have released the striker by mutual consent.The 31-year-old Togo international, who is pretty much his own worst enemy, is nowfree to unsettle another side.

"We wish Emmanuel well for the future," says the Tottenham statement.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 3-1 Liverpool (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United enjoyed a fabulous victory over old rivals Liverpool on Sunday, with £36million manAnthony Martial netting a superb solo goal.

United started with Marouane Fellaini in a central striking role, in for the injured Wayne Rooney.

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The first-half was a surprisingly turgid affair, with neither side managing a single shot on target.

The Best Bits: Crystal Palace 0-1 Man City (Photos & Highlights)

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High-flying Crystal Palace pushed league leaders Manchester City all the way on Saturday, with teenage sub Kelechi Iheanacho providing the match-winning goal for the Citizens late on.

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The first-half provided little in the way of quality, withSergio Agüero forced off early after a dreadful challenge from Scott Dann, which arguably merited more than the yellow brandished by ref Mike Jones.

The Best Bits: Arsenal 2-0 Stoke (Photos & Highlights)

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Arsenal outclassed Stoke City at the Emirates on Saturday, with strikers Theo Walcott and Olivier Giroud both getting on the scoresheet for the Gunners.

The hosts, with Walcott up front and Giroud on the bench, were quick off the blocks, immediately threatening the Stoke goal.

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FAIL: Man City Winger Jesus Navas Misses Wretched Sitter Of Torres-esque Proportions Against Crystal Palace (Video)

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With the score deadlocked at 0-0, Man City winger Jesus Navas fluffed a gilded chance to put his side 1-0 against Palace at Selhurst Park this afternoon.

Having been played inby Kevin De Bruyne, Navas jinkedaround Alex McCarthyonlyto whiffle his shot wide of the goal's gaping maw...

The Best Bits: Everton 3-1 Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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Chelsea's dismal start to the new season continued with a 3-1 defeat at Goodison, courtesy of a fine hat-trick from substitute Steven Naismith.

The visitors started with a belt and braces midfield duo of Nemanja Matic and Jon Obi-Mikel, but the Toffees looked dangerous from the start, with Asmir Begovic forced into a number of good saves.

Chelsea: Jose Mourinho Storms Out Of Pre-Match Interview Over John Stones Question (Video)

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Now you see him. Now you don't...

Caught in the Goodison tunnel and pressed by BT Sports' Ray Stubbs about being heckled by Everton fans over his fruitless pursuit of John Stones this summer, Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho in one of his classic 'mind games' power plays managed to utter a solitary garbled sentence about the question being too long before marchingoff in a huff.

Trapp In A Flap: Double Blunder Ends PSG’s 100% Start to Ligue 1 Campaign (Video)

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A couple of howlers from Kevin Trapp helped to end PSG's 100% start to the new Ligue 1 season, as the Parisian giants drew with2-2 at home to Bordeaux.

Edinson Cavani bagged a brace in the game (the second of which was a superb free-kick), but two errors from German glovesman Trapp handed the visitors a point.

Bristol Rovers’ Jake Gosling Given Wayne Rooney Treatment After Returning From International Duty As Gibraltar’s All-Time Leading Scorer (Video)

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Wayne Rooney may have hogged all the headlines but the England forward's milestone merely served to steal the limelight fromthe most impressive international scoring record to be toppled this week.

Indeed,Bristol Rovers wingerJake Gosling made history for Gibraltar by becoming the first everplayer to score more than one goal for his country by nettingthe consolation goal in a 8-1 Euro 2016 qualifying defeat against Poland on Monday evening, thus doubling his international tally and taking him out in front as Gibraltar's all-time leading scorer (with two goals).

Random Great Goals: Rampaging Laurent Monde Scores The ULTIMATE Goalscoring Goalkeeper’s Goal, 1989 (Video)

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As with most Youtube clipsof French Guianaian origin that pre-date 1990, the finer details pertaining to the following footage are a little sketchy.

However, you shouldn't let ourlack of specifics diminish the majesty of the content of the video for the goal it contains...is a MONSTER.

Official: David De Gea Signs New Four-Year Contract At Manchester United, Bumps Wages Up To £200,000-A-Week

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The ending precisely nobody was expecting...

David De Gea has signed a new four-year contract at #mufc with an option to extend for a further year. pic.twitter.com/Z3JuQOaNEi

— Manchester United (@ManUtd) September 11, 2015

After flirting with Real Madrid all summer long only to see the move scuttledon deadline day, David De Gea has somehow been coaxed into signing a new, four-year contract at Manchester United.

Loo’d Behaviour: Liverpool Fan Receives £4,000 After Suing Manchester Police Over Old Trafford Toilet Trauma (Video)

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A Liverpool has been awarded £4,000 after suing Greater Manchester Police over a false arrest claim.

The fan, Kieth 'i before e' Culvin, had been arrested after a Liverpool game at Old Trafford in 2013 for allegedly assaulting a police officer.

The trouble began when police officers apparently refused Liverpool fans access to the Old Trafford toilets after the game had ended.

On This Day In 1895: £10 Reward Offered After Thieves Pinch FA Cup From Birmingham Shopfront

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When Aston Villa beat West Brom 1-0 to win the FA Cup in 1895, they wanted to share the achievement with their fans. So the club arranged to have the trophy displayed in the window of a local football equipment shop owned by Mr William Shillcock.

But when Shillcock arrived to open up on the morning on 11th September, he discovered he'd had unwelcome visitors overnight.

Loo’d Behaviour: Liverpool Fan Receives £4000 After Suing Manchester Police Over Old Trafford Toilet Trauma (Video)

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A Liverpool has been awarded £4,000 after suing Greater Manchester Police over a false arrest claim. The fan, Kieth "i before e" Culvin, had been arrested after a Liverpool game at Old Trafford in 2013 for allegedly assaulting a police officer.

The trouble began when police officers apaprently refused Liverpool fans access to the Old Trafford toilets after the game had ended.

Bouncy Mexico Legend Cuauhtemoc Blanco Wins Mayoral Election By Copy+Pasting His Wikipedia Page As CV

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Having plugged away to the grand old age of 42, Mexican legendCuauhtémoc Blanco finally called time on his long and winding career in Apriland swiftly madethe move into local politics.

Something of a cult hero down Mexico way, largely due to his trademark‘Cuauhtemiña' trick (or the 'Blanco Bounce' as you may know it), the former Club America forward registered as a candidate to run for mayor ofCuernavaca and, amazingly enough, won the election on 7th June despite submitting the most ridiculous CV imaginable.

Tottenham Officials Ban Son Heung-Min From Buying New Car In Arsenal Colours

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Having only joined the cluba fewweeks ago, it sounds like Tottenham have been busy making sureSon Heung-Min avoids stumbling into a PR furore by filling the South Korean forward in on some keydos and don'ts.

With Son blissfullyunaware as to just how deep and ludicrous the North London divide has become over the years, club officials have prohibited the striker from buying a new car in Arsenal colours for fear of the inevitable banteriffic backlash.

Premier League Snapshot: Andre Ayew Wins Player Of The Month Award For August, Manuel Pellegrini Takes Managerial Honours…

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Just a quickie to y'all abreast of the fact that Swansea forward Andre Ayew has been bestowed with the Premier League 'Player of the Month' gong for August.

The Ghanaian pipped teammateBafetimbi Gomis as well as Man City duo David Silva and Aleksandar Kolarov,Leicester's Riyad Mahrez and Manchester UniteddefenderChris Smalling to the award after scoring three goals in his first four games since joining the Swans over the summer.

Retro Football: Gordon Strachan Gets Friendly With ‘Tricia’ On Cover Of Aberdeen Match Programme, 1983 (Photo)

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Dating from 28th September, 1983, here's the wonderfully bawdy cover of the match programme for Aberdeen's Cup Winner's Cup first round tie against Icelandic side IA Akranes.

Shot in the airport departure lounge, the cover sees Gordon Strachan getting acquainted with a young lady named Tricia.

Football Tat: Lionel Messi Shills For ‘Footbubbles’ – Socks That Allow You To Play Keepy-Uppies With Bubbles (Video)

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While Cristiano Ronaldo is stuckhawkinghis various lines of luxury underpants and overpriced gentlemen's fragrances, Lionel Messi has managed to snag the endorsement deal that all the high rollers were chasing.

Down in Australia, Messi has put his name to a great new kids game called 'Footbubbles', which are basically special socks that allow you to do keepy-uppies with, you guessed it, bubbles!

Shit Football Ink: Man City Fan Has Entire Transcript Of Martin Tyler’s ‘AGUEROOOO!!!’ Commentary Tattooed On His Arm (Photo)

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As it was quite possibly the last genuinely dramaticthing that happened in the Premier League, Sergio Aguero's title-snatching 93rd-minute winning goal against QPR on the final day of the 2011/12 season has attained iconic status in the prevailing years.

Aguero's late winner saw Man City whip the championshipawayfrom underneath Manchester United's nose with nanoseconds of the campaign remaining, and the accompanying apoplectic yowling from Sky Sports commentatorMartin Tyler has since become synonymous with the occasion.

Ronaldo…Riding On A Segway…In The Middle Of The Desert…At Burning Man Festival (Photo)

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Looking like something out of the next Mad Max reboot, here's everybody's favourite Ronaldo the husky Brazilian version schlepping through the Nevada desert on his Segway whilepootlinghis way aroundthe Burning Man festival...

Photo via @Copa90

"Beep, beep. Coming through!"

Looks like he had a jolly old time too.

On This Day In 1960: Live League Football Shown On Television For The First Time – It’ll Never Catch On!

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On the evening of Saturday 10th September, 1960, ITV offered people at homethe chance to watch a live Football League game for the very first time. It didn't go well.

The game selected was Blackpool against Bolton Wanderers. The two sides had sluggedit out in thefamous FA Cup Final iof 1953, but by 1960 both teams were fading forces.

Austria Coach Marcel Koller Wears Beret And Eats Baguette At Press Conference After Euro 2016 Qualification (Video)

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Austria secured themselves a spot at Euro 2016 with a 4-1 win over Sweden on Tuesday and, to celebrate, their coach Marcel Koller decided to add a celebratory Gallic twist to his post-match press conference.

Indeed, Koller turned up sporting a French beret to answer the media call before proceeding to gnaw away on a baguette throughout, which he even dipped into a cup of onion soup just to complete the charade.

Welling Striker Sahr Kabba First To Be Charged Under New FA ‘Injury Feigning’ Law

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Sahr Kabba has become the first player to be charged by the FA under their new law against feigning injury.

At the weekend, Tranmere defender Ritchie Sutton was sent off for an off-the-ball incident involvingKabba during the two side's National League game. Sutton and his club appealed the decision, withTranmere boss Gary Brabin saying:

We looked at the footage and there was no contact made.

Welling’s Sahr Kabba First To Be Charged Under New FA ‘Feigning Injury’ Law

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Sahr Kabba has become the first player to be charged by the FA under their new law against feigning injury.

At the weekend, Tranmere defender Ritchie Sutton was sent off for an off-the-ball incident involvingKabba during the two side's National League game. Sutton and his club appealed the decision, withTranmere boss Gary Brabin saying:

We looked at the footage and there was no contact made.

Classic Moments: Turkey Keeper Rustu Recber Almost Decapitates Kieron Dyer With Wild Neck-High ‘Tackle’, 2003 (Video)

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England just about managed to secure their safe passage to Euro 2004 with an ill-tempered 0-0 draw against Turkey in Istanbul back in October of 2003.

The general miasma of hostility was perhaps best summed up by the decapitation job attempted by Turkey's war-painted goalkeeper, oneRüstü Recber, on poor little Kieron Dyer who really wouldn't harm a fly unless it was playing on the same team as him andrefused to pass.

Football Art: Nottingham Forest’s European Cup-Winning Team Immortalised In Lego (Photos)

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Thanks to the creative impulse and hard graft of Nottingham Forest fan Nigel Daws, we now live in a world where the legendary European Cup-winning Forest team of 1979/80 have been further immortalised in Lego form.

Nigel specialises in producing customised Lego football tributes forBlok Magik, and his beautiful plaggy homageto the likes ofBrian Clough, Peter Taylor, Kenny Burns and John Robertson isa fine representation of his cracking (not to mention painstaking) handiwork.

Norwegian Fourth Division Player Receives Instant Medical Care After Having Leg Broken By Doctor Playing For Opposition

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The merry chap (which could be something to do with the morphine) you see afore ye is none other thanTorgeir Hoås, who plays for Norwegian fourth division sideÅrvoll IL.

You may have also noticed that Mr Hoåsis lying in a hospital bed. This is because he had the misfortune ofsuffering a broken leg during a recent game againstKorsvoll IL 2.

Hull City’s Jake Livermore To Escape Drug Ban After Testing Positive For Cocaine

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It looks like Jake Livermore is to escape a potentially lengthy ban despite having tested positive for cocaine at the end of last season.

Livermore was suspended by Hull and the FA at the arse-end of May after failinga random drug test followingthe Tigers' 2-0 win over Crystal Palace in April.

Barcelona: U-12 La Masia Prodigy Sergi Oriol Scores Magnificent Goal After Turning Defender Inside Out (Video)

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Despite the tricky legal tribulationscurrently engulfing Barcelona's on-site hatchery, it looks like La Masia is still very much churning out talented younglings at all age levels.

Take this fantastic goal from the Under-12 ranks for example, with young forward Sergi Oriol displaying a devastatingly wicked turn to score in a recent 3-0 victory overSant Cugat.

San Marino Official Twitter Account Seizes Rare Opportunity To Troll Cristiano Ronaldo

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As we mentioned previously, San Marino scored on foreign soil for the first time in 14 years against Lithuania on Tuesday night, so we can forgive their official Twitter account for getting slightly carried away in the jubilant aftermath.

Indeed, all juiced up on the back of Matteo Vitaioli scoring their fifth-ever competitive away goal, the San Marino national side's account went in hard on Cristiano Ronaldo.

On This Day In 2006: Everton Stick It To Liverpool With Emphatic 3-0 Derby Victory At Goodison

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Everton's flying start to the 2006/07 season went stratospheric with a convincing 3-0 derby victory over Liverpool the 204th inter-Merseyside encounter in the canon.

The victory meant the Toffees had won three of their opening four games, while defeat left the Reds with a measly four points from their first three games.

Longford Town Player Pat Flynn Embarks On Incredible Twitter Escapade After ‘Forgetting’ About Cup Game

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As you may or may not know, Longford Town squared off against Shamrock Rovers in theLeinster Senior Cup quarter-finals last night.

However, the real action was all cracking off65-oddmiles away in Dublin, in the front room of crocked Longford right-backPat 'Pajo' Flynn.

Currently injured and sidelinedfor the rest of the season, Pajo was thumbing through Twitter on his phone at home when he stumbled across this update from the official Longford feed.

Watch: All 50 Of Wayne Rooney’s Goals For England In The Space Of 10 Minutes (Video)

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Scoring 50international goals is no mean feat. It's not the kind of thing that tends to happen by accident.

For that, our cap is definitely doffed to Wayne Rooney, who brought up his half century for England with a spot-kick against the Swiss last night (he's still 17 goals behind Robbie Keane, mind you).

Euro 2016: San Marino Score First Away Goal in 14 Years, Celebrate Accordingly (Video)

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San Marino don't usually have much to cheer about, with their footballing world an arduous mix of maulings and batterings. However, away to Lithuania on Tuesday night, the perennial minnows enjoyed a rare moment of joy.

View image | gettyimages.com

The hosts took an early lead, courtesy of a strike fromFiodor Černych.

Euro 2016: Rooney Hits The Big 5-0 As Three Lions Edge Past Swiss (Photos & Highlights)

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Neither captain Wayne Rooney or the England team as a whole managed to hit top form at Wembley on Tuesday night. However, the Three Lions did enough to secure a 2-0 win, with Rooney finally setting a new record for England goals.

The game had just begun when Man City's Fabian Delph was forced off with a hamstring injury.

Arsene Wenger: Thierry Henry Will Need ‘Psychological And Mental Transformation’ If He Wants To Succeed As A Manager

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"What do you call this? It hasn't even got a zip!"

Arsene Wenger has told his protégéThierry Henry that he will need to undergo a"psychological and mental transformation" if he wishes to make it in the cut-throat world of the football manager.

Having retired in December of last year, Henry is currently working with the Arsenal U18 set-up as he plugs away at his coaching badges.

Sorcery: 11-Year-Old Lad Solves Rubik’s Cube While Juggling Football At The Same Time (Video)

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Here's a video of an anonymous 11-year-old lad, whiling away his timeas many 11-year-old lads tend to do by solving a Rubik's Cube in the space of 30 seconds while simultaneously keeping a football in the air for the entire duration...

We ask thee, what kind of multi-tasking sorcery is this?

Shit Football Kits: 1860 Munich Unveil Latest Oktoberfest Novelty Strip, Complete With Lederhosen Shorts (Photo)

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It's that time of year again. Autumn's rolling around, there's a distinct nip in the air and 1860 Munich have unveiled their latest Oktoberfest-themed novelty kit.

While the 2014/15 vintage was a comparatively subtle blue and white gingham-effect offering, the 2015/16 edition of 1860's iconic "Wiesntrikot" is styled to look like a mock-velvet Bavarian waistcoat, complete with gold trim and faux pockets.

Europa League: Tottenham Fans Can Fly Out To Monaco With The First Team As Club Lays On £1,295 ‘VIP Experience’

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Embracing their status as Europa League big boys, Tottenham have decided to really lay it on thick for their upcoming away clash against Monaco by offering a swish VIP experience package that will allow fans tofly out and watch the game in luxury.

For the low, low price of just £1,295, Spurs fans will be able to fly out to Monaco with the first team, enjoy a private tour of the principality,dinner hosted byan unnamed club legend.

On This Day In 1958: 17-Year-Old Bobby Moore Makes His Debut For West Ham

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West Ham fans checking the programme for the line-up against Manchester United at Upton Park on 8th September 1958 would have noticed regular No.6 Malcolm Allison had been replaced by a 17-year-old defenderbythe name of Robert Frederick Chelsea Moore.

Any misgivings about that slightly errant middle name were soon dispelled, as the debutant went on to become one of the club's, and the game's, greatest players.

Blaise Of Glory: Matuidi Scores Emphatic 25-Yard Volley As France See Off Serbia (Video)

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A couple of early goals from Blaise Matuidi were enough to see France hold on for a 2-1 victory over Serbia in Bordeaux last night.

The all-action PSG midfielder scored twice in the opening 25 minutes to set up the win for Les Bleus the second of which just so happened to be a really rather lovely volley from the edge of the area.

Nottingham Forest: Young Striker Virgil Gomis Scores Audacious 93rd-Minute Overhead Kick Winner vs Ipswich U18 (Video)

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In which Nottingham Forest U18s' young'nVirgil Gomis pops up in the 93rd minute of his side's recent tie against Ipswich U18s to settle the match 3-2 in Forest's favour with an absolutely audacious overhead kick winner from outside the area...

The future's bright.

The present...not so much.

Euro 2016: Late Late Lafferty Keeps Northern Ireland On Course For Finals (Photos & Highlights)

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A late Kyle Lafferty goal rescued a precious point for Northern Ireland against Hungary on Monday night, with the 1-1 draw keeping Michael O'Neill's men on course for France next summer.

View image | gettyimages.com

The Northern Irish could have sealed qualification with a win against Hungary and the hosts dominated for large periods of the game.

Euro 2016: Scotland Given German Masterclass As Finals Hopes Hang By Thread (Photos & Highlights)

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Scotland's hopes of making it to the Euro finals in France next summer are hanging by a thread following a 3-2 defeat by world champions Germany at Hampden.

The Germans' passing and movement was superb throughout and on 18 minutes, they took the lead when Thomas Muller's shot deflected past David Marshall and into the Scot's goal.

Ghana FA President Unveils Plan To Have More ‘Sexy Ladies’ Attend League Matches To Boost Dwindling Attendances

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Ghana Football Associationpresident Kwesi Nyantakyihas vowed to increase the flagging attendances at domestic league games byany means possible.

The main problem appears to be that Ghanaian football fans much prefer to watch foreign league matches on television rather than head down to their local stadium come Saturday/Sunday afternoon, though the Parliament of Ghana recently rejected a proposal toprevent the screening of live Premier League broadcasts on free-to-air television.

Phil Jagielka Scores Superb Acrobatic Volley At The Back Stick During England Training (Video)

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With England stuck for a half-decent forward to lead the line going into Tuesday's Euro 2016 qualifier against Switzerland, centre-back Phil Jagielka stepped up and threw his hat into the ring with a sensational goal during this morning's training session.

Having had the ball nicely stood up for him at the back post by Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain, Jags took to the air and executed a picture perfect volley past Tom Heaton.

England Friendly Against Spain In November Moved From Bernabeu Over Fears Of ‘Crowd Hostility’ Towards Gerard Pique

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The Spanish Football Federation (RFEF) have announced that their upcoming international friendly against England will no longer be played at the Bernabeu due to concerns over crowd hostility toward Gerard Pique.

The game, coming up on 13th November, was due to be staged at Real Madrid's 85,454-seater stadium but has now been relocated to the 30,000-capacityJose Rico Perez stadium in Alicante, home to Hercules CF.

EA Sports Announce Yannick Bolasie’s Trademark 360 Flick Has Made It Into FIFA 16 Trick Arsenal (Video)

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EA Sports are in the midst of leaking various bits and bobs in an effort to titillate FIFA 16 fans ahead of the release date(22nd September).

The latest teaser trailer concentrates on the raft of fancy footwork to be included in the latest instalment of the FIFA franchise, with a variety of new tricks, flicks and feints on offer.

Euro 2016: Everton Scrapper Muhamed Besic Sent Off For Lobbing Chewing Gum At Andorra Opponent (Video)

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Bosnia and Herzegovina spanked Group B whipping boys Andorra on Sunday to haul themselves to within two points of the play-off spot.

Goals fromErmin Bicakcic, Edin Dzeko and Senad Lulic saw B&H cruise to a 3-0 victory, leaving poor old Andorra's goal difference tally at an impressive -27 (three goals for, 30 against) as amassed in the space of just eight games.

For Sale: The Ultimate Manchester United Mazda – Yours For Just £790 (Photos)

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Spotted for sale over on the Trade Cars Clackheaton site, this stunning vehicular homage to all things Manchester United could be yours for just £790.

As you can no doubt see, the previous owner of this 2001 Mazda 323 hatchback has really gone to town in transforming his car into a rolling tribute to his beloved football club.

On This Day In 1996: Eric Cantona Inspires Manchester United To 4-0 Thumping Of Leeds On Return To Elland Road

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One of the unwritten laws of football is that any given player will have an absolute blinder when they return to play against any of their former teams, so when Eric Cantona turned out for Manchester United against former side Leeds United in September 1996, fans of the latterprobably saw what was coming.

Rene Higuita Celebrates 20th Anniversary Of His ‘Scorpion Kick’ By Recreating It…Again (Video)

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The one and only Rene Higuita hasmarked the 20-year anniversary ofhis most iconic contribution to the great footballing pantheon by recreating his infamous 'Scorpion Kick' against England at Wembley in 1995...again.

Having been a fed a ball from a willing accomplice stationed in his swimming pool, Higuita, who turned 49 a week or so ago, arched his back and pulled off his legendary acrobatic manoeuvre for the cameras one more time.

Porto Ask UEFA To Donate €1 From Every Champions League Match Ticket To Refugee Aid Charity

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In the wake of similar altruistic gestures from the likes of Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich, FC Porto have approached UEFA to request that all 32 teams in the Champions League group stage donate a small amount of moneyfrom the sale of every match ticket to help aid the ongoing refugee crisis across Europe.

Euro 2016: Wales Forced To Wait On Qualification After Goalless Draw With Israel (Photos & Highlights)

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This was supposed to be the game which saw Wales qualify for a major tournament for the first time in 57 years. But instead, the Welsh were foiled by a well-drilled Israeli side in a tense 0-0 draw in Cardiff.

The hosts started brightly, withAndy King seeing his effort saved by 'keeperOfir Marciano and Aaron Ramseyheading over from the rebound.

Liberia ‘Keeper Forced To Miss AFCON Qualifier After Accidentally Walking Through Glass Panel At Team Hotel

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If you think you had a naffweekend then spare a though for poor old Liberia goalkeeper Nathaniel Sherman, who was forced to sit out his country's Africa Cup of Nations qualifier against Tunisia on Saturday after almost losing an eye in the team hotel just a few hours before kick-off.

Sherman was fiddling with his phone when he accidentally walkeddirectly through a glass panel at the Liberian team hotel and suffered a "serious eye injury" as a consequence.

England Boss Roy Hodgson Shows Silky Touch During San Marino Clash (Video)

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While his side were doing the business on the pitch against San Marino in Saturday, England boss Roy Hodgson got in on the act on the sidelines during the 6-0 victory.

Stopping the looping ball with his right foot and allowing just the right amount of movement to direct it into Luke Shaw's path, the former Gravesend & Northfleet defender showed he still has the skills to pay the bills.

Euro 2016: Wayne Rooney Equals England Scoring Record As Three Lions Cruise In San Marino (Photos & Highlights)

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In a predictably comfortable 6-0 win for England in San Marino, Wayne Rooneynetted his 49th international goal against San Marino, joining Bobby Charltonon top of the Three Lions scoring charts.

The record-equalling goal for Rooney came after just 13 minutes, courtesy of a spot-kick after John Stones was fouled in the box.

Kevin, The High Priest of British White Witches, Offers To Help Burnley With Their Cruciate Ligament Curse

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Photo: Telegraph

With Sam Vokes, Kevin Long, Dean Marney,Ashley Barnes and nowLucas Jutkiewicz all blowing out their cruciate ligaments in the last 18 months, many are beginning to wonder if Burnley are indeed cursed in that particular department.

The Clarets' injury epidemic hasn't gone unnoticed in the pagan community either.

Euro 2016: Roy Hodgson Accused Of ‘Lacking Respect’ After Suggesting England’s Cricket Team Could Beat San Marino

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You wouldn't think it possible, but ever-so-polite England manager Roy Hodgson has managed to unwittingly rile the good people of San Marino.

England are set to face perennial minnows San Marino in Serravalle in a Euro 2016 qualifier tonight, with the hosts (currently 193rd in FIFA's latest rankings) expected to take their customary heavy beating.

Euro 2016: Robbie Keane Hits 67 Goals For Republic Of Ireland After 4-0 Gibraltar Drubbing (Photos & Highlights)

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A brace from Robbie Keane, which brings his total international goal tally to an incredible 67, helped the Republic of Ireland to a 4-0 win against Gibraltar which keeps alive their hopes of making it to France.

The Irish started well in Faro, with Aston Villa defender Ciaran Clarkhitting the frame of the goal.

Euro 2016: Scotland Have Georgia On Their Minds After Impotent Display In Tbilisi (Photos & Highlights)

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A blunt Scotland suffered a serious blow to their chances of Euro 2016 qualification on Firday night, with Gordon Strachan's charges going down 1-0 to Georgia in Tbilisi.

View image | gettyimages.com

The visitors started brightly but struggled to create any clear-cut chances.

View image | gettyimages.

Euro 2016: Gareth McAuley Brace Edges Northern Ireland Closer To Finals (Photos & Highlights)

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A brace from West Brom centre-half helped Northern Ireland on their way to a precious 3-1 win in the Faroe Islands on Friday night, a result that sees them on the cusp of Euro 2016 qualification.

Gareth McAuley, who also scored in the reverse fixture, headed home the opener on 12 minutes.

However,Joan Simun Edmundsson levelled for the hosts before the break.

Euro 2016 Fail: Italy’s Antonio Candreva Dives To Embarrassing Depths Against Malta (Video)

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A vastly-underrated player in our book, Lazio's flying winger Antonio Candreva is a bona fide expert at tormenting full-backs. However, apparently he's also a bit of an afficionado of the threatrical dive, as he ably demonstrated on Thursday night during Italy's 1-0 Euro 2016 win against Malta.

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Raheem Sterling & Fabian Delph Make Light Of Summer Transfer Abuse With ‘Snakes On A Plane’ Instagram Selfie (Photo)

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What Raheem Sterling and Fabian Delph did there. We see it.

Check out the state of those emojis...

En route San Marino ✈️

A photo posted by Raheem Sterling x (@sterling7) on Sep 4, 2015 at 6:20am PDT

One in the eye for all the jilted Liverpool and Aston Villa fans there.

Hamburg Striker Artjoms Rudnevs Treated In Hospital After Being Bitten On The Tongue By His Wife

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It would appear that all is not quite bliss in theArtjoms Rudnevs marital department at the moment,with reports that the Hamburg striker was admitted to hospital last night as a direct result of being bitten on the tongue by his wife.

Alas, this was no result of over-zealous carnal misadventure, with Bild reportingthat Mrs Rudnevs bit her husband in the mouth following an intense argument in the middle of the street.

Fair Play: Scheme To Award ‘Green Cards’ For Sporting Behaviour To Be Trialled In Italy’s Serie B This Weekend

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In a desperate bid to stem the relentless tide of diving, feigning, conniving, etc that permeates football these days, Italian authorities are planning to roll out a new 'green card' scheme in Serie B.

However, unlike the red and yellow cards already at a referee's disposal, the green variant will not be used as a punishment but rather to award players for displaying moral fibre and good sporting conduct and the like.

Umbro Really Should Stop Knocking Out Derby County Kits That We Secretly Quite Like (Photos)

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As with the release of Derby's home strip for this season, those bloody scoundrels at Umbro are making it difficult for us again with the big reveal of the Rams' new third strip for 2015/16 as and not a word of this to anybody, y'hear? we actually secretly quite like it.

Save for the grotty badge and the dreadfully tacky sponsor, of course.

Shit Lookalikes: Roy Keane & ‘Portrait Of A Gentleman In Fur’ By 16th Century Italian Artist Paolo Veronese

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Santa Maria! The image of his bearded holiness Roy Keane has been spotted in an art gallery in Florence, specifically in the painting "Portrait of a Gentleman in a Fur" by 16th century Italian artistPaolo Veronese...

Posing in a coat made from the hide of his latest kill.

The guy on the right, that is.

Random Great Goals: Kevin Davies Leaves Four Everton Defenders In His Wake To Score Solo Wonder Goal, 1997 (Video)

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It's with a heavy heart that we wish Kevin Davies all the best in his retirement today after the former Chesterfield, Southampton, Blackburn, Bolton, Preston and England striker called time on his playing days at the grand old age of 38.

Davies made the announcement by postinga wonderfully poignant image on Twitter.

Euro 2016: Republic Of Ireland In For Shock As Gibraltar Unveil New, Star-Studded Midfield Of World Cup Winners (Photo)

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Anybody expecting the Republic of Ireland to roll Gibraltar over in their Euro 2016 qualifier tonight should probably think twice.

According to this newspaper's predicted line-ups, the minnows are planning to field one hell of a new-look midfield, positively chock full of Weltmeisters though how they managed to sneakit past UEFA is anybody's guess.

Horror Hair: Juventus Fan Has Juan Cuadrado’s Face Shaved Into The Back Of His Head (Photo)

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After his entirely pointless stint at Chelsea ended in a ghostly fart of a whimper earlier in the summer, Juan Cuadrado is currently enjoying something of a new lease of life at Juventus.

Cuadradoreturned to Serie A last month after a dismal six months at Stamford Bridge, with Juve fans flocking to greet him at Turin airport and welcome the Colombian winger back onto Italian soil such was the fervour over his signing.

On This Day In 1905: Chelsea Play Their First Ever Game At Stamford Bridge

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Chelsea played their first ever game at Stamford Bridge on 4th September, 1905 – a 4-0 win over Liverpool in a friendly. The game came two days after the club's league debut away at Stockport County. The Blues lost that one 1-0.

Stamford Bridge stadium actually formally opened in 1877 and was home to the London Athletic Club.

FAIL: Shinji Kagawa Misses Sitter Against Cambodia, Shot Fails To Reach Goal From Two Yards Out (Video)

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Japan spanked Cambodia 3-0 to secure the first win of their 2018 World Cup qualifying campaignthanks togoals from Keisuke Honda, Maya Yoshida and Shinji Kagawa.

Kagawa, however, should really have helped himself to a brace on the night after seeing a fantastic chance to score go begging in the latter stages of the first half.

Euro 2016: Gareth Bale Heads Wales To Within Touching Distance Of Finals (Photos & Video)

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On the day Wales found themselves ranked higher than England in the FIFA listings for the first time ever, Chris Coleman's charges produced a battling display in Cyprus to leave them on the cusp of qualification for EURO 2016.

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The hosts were the better side for much of the game although David Edwards did see his headed goal disallowed after Hal Robson-Kanu was judged to have pushed a Cyprus defender.

Ingenious New Initiative Designed To Crack Down On Cigarette Butt Littering In London And Settle ‘Messi vs Ronaldo’ Debate (Photo)

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"Fancy nipping out for a fag mate?"

In a two-pronged bid to both, A) keep the streets of London clear of litter and, B) help us all obtain a definitive answer to one of football's most divisive quandaries, an environmental charity have come up with an ingenious ruse to satisfy both criteria.

Bayern Munich To Lay On Training Camps, Free Meals, First Aid And German Classes For Syrian Refugees

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As you may have seen, there cockle-warmingscenes across German football at the weekend as fans from various clubs welcomed refugees to their country en masse.

Tensions are running high in Germany of late as the country continues to take in more and moredesperate souls who have been displaced by the war in Syria, so it was heart-warming to see football fans take such a sympathetic and tolerant stance.

Football Art: La Casaca Revamp Loads Of Infamously Ugly Retro Third Kits (Photos)

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When it comes to artful fantasy kit designs, nobody does it better than our pals over at La Casaca.

Their latest project involved La Casaca preying upon some of football's most appalling old third and away kits and modernising them using contemporary Adidas templates.

Firstly a retro horror strip was selected from the archives, then La Casaca took the various elements and applied a modern aesthetic before tweaking them to create all new, re-vamped designs for 2015/16.

Thousands Of Lille Fans Sing ‘Happy Birthday’ To Goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama In Middle Of Ajaccio Match (Video)

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There was a touching moment mid-match during Lille's Ligue 1 tie against Ajaccio at the weekend when thousands ofhome fans broke off from what they were doing to sing 'Happy Birthday' to their goalkeeperVincent Enyeama on his big day...

Things got even better for Enyeama too, as a 1-0 victory for Lille meant that the 'keeper went home with the perfect birthday present in the shape of a clean sheet.

Nostradamus May Have Predicted Manchester United’s Summer Transfer Activity 460 Years Ago

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Whereas Anthony Martial's £36million deadline day move to Manchester United caught most people on the hop, it would appear that all over United's summer transfers were centuries in the making, having been predicted by none other than Nostradamus himself.

Recognising a distinct pattern emerging in United's transfer dealings, Reddit user GrabbingTheBrassRinghad a flick through Nostradamus's 1555 tome 'The Prophecies' and was astonished to find that most of the club's key ins and outs had been foreseen some 460 years ago.

On This Day In 2014: England Beat Norway 1-0 But Get Well And Truly Thrashed By The Great British Bake Off

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As recompense for England'spretty dismal showing at the 2014 World Cup finals in Brazil, the team got its just desserts in the first match after the tournament, which just so happened to be a friendly against Norway at Wembley.

A crowd of just 40,181 turned up (Wembley holds 90,000) and ITV took a hell of a beating in the viewer rating stakes.

Clint Dempsey’s New Custom ‘Star-Spangled’ Nike Tiempos Are The Most ‘Murican Football Boots Ever Made (Photos)

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Thanks to Portuguese graffiti artist MrDheo, Clint Dempsey is now the proud owner of these new custom-made Nike Tiempos which must surely go down as the most outrageously and unashamedly American football boots ever produced.

MrDheo (the same fella responsible for Mario Balotelli's tacky-as-you-like camo boots) collaborated with Dempsey and the Seattle Sounders to produce the star-spangledTiempos, which we are assured are one-of-a-kind, 100% handmade and decoratedusingnothing but spraypaint.

Leverkusen New-Boy Javier Hernandez Thanks Man Utd Fans Via Instagram Message

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Fresh from making the £8.7million move to Bayer Leverkusen, Javier Hernandez has posted a now customary message on Instagram thanking Man Utd fans for their support during his six-year stint at Old Trafford.'Chicharito' was brought to Manchester by Sir Alex Ferguson and the Mexican striker singled out the Scottish legend in the note, while not making any mention of either David Moyes or Louis van Gaal.

‘The Worst Liverpool Team In Years’ – Harry Redknapp Blasts Rodgers’ Reds (Video)

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Good old Harry Redknapp certainly isn't short of an opinion. And on Wednesday at the Telegraph Total Football Live event, he had a right go at the current Liverpool team, describing them as "bang average", despite a summer spending spree which saw the club pay out over £78million on new players.

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Aaron Lennon Officially Unveiled At Everton, Just About Remembers To Smile This Time (Photos)

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Much mirth was had at Aaron Lennon's expense back in early February when the diminutive winger signed for Everton on loan from Tottenham and couldn't have looked less enthralled about it if he tried.

The phrase 'face like a smacked arse' springs to mind.

Well, as of last night, Lennon became an Everton player for the second time when he signed a permanent deal at Goodison on deadline day.

Arsenal Supporters’ Trust Demand Inquiry Into Club’s Lack Of Transfer Activity

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The Arsenal Supporters' Trust (AST) have demanded that an inquiry be launched into the club's transfer strategy after seeing the summer transfer window come and go with just a single Petr Cech to show for it.

It's not hard to sympathise, is it? After all, the £10million signing of a new, world class goalkeeper just isn't enough for a club of Arsenal's grandeur.

FAIL: Hammarby Women’s Defender Helen Eke Scores Absolutely Terrible Own-Goal vs Örebro (Video)

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We're dipping into the recentDamallsvenskan (the top flight of Swedish women's football) fixturebetweenÖrebro and Hammarby here, with a seemingly innocuous ball being played back to the Hammarby goalkeeper less than three minutes into the game.

However, the 'keeper's clearance was shut downby anÖrebro forward, which sentthe loose ball bobbling softly across the six-yard box.

Ronald And Erwin Koeman Impersonate 1980s Female Pop Duo ‘Hepie & Hepie’ On Dutch TV Show (Video)

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Seems like one of the Koeman brothers was slightly more into this than the other

Have you ever wanted to see Southampton's current management team and former Holland international teammates Ronald and Erwin Koeman impersonate a female Euro-pop duo live on Dutch television?Well, consider this your lucky day.

‘They Even Mopped The Floor!’ – Yeovil Publicly Thank Barnet For Leaving Their Dressing Room Spotless (Photo)

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Yeovil just about saw off Barnet in the first round of the Johnstone's Paint Trophy last night thanks to a 1-0 win at Huish Park.

However, there were no tantrums in the away dressing room after the game, with Barnet going out of their way to leave the facilities in the exact same spotless condition they found them in.

Emmanuel Adebayor Refused To Leave Tottenham On Deadline Day As He Was ‘Waiting For A Sign From God’

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As a measure of just how dull yesterday's transfer deadline was, the biggest stories were all generated by players who didn't actually go anywhere.

Emmanuel Adebayor was one of those players, with the Togolese striker ending the windowat Tottenham despite being cut adriftfrom the first team entirely this season.

On This Day In 1999: The One And Only Sir Bobby Robson Takes Over At Newcastle

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"It's a lovely sunny day – a great day to be manager of Newcastle United. I thought Barcelona was a big club but I think this has just pipped that."

With those typically buoyant words, the late Bobby Robson stepped into the hotseat at St James' Park in 1999.

It was just five days after Ruud Gullit had quit, leaving the Toon with just one point from the opening six games of the season.

Reports: Real Madrid Owe David De Gea €10m As Consolation For Not Signing Him This Summer

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As if the David De Gea saga wasn't confusing enough already, it's being reported in Spain this morning that Real Madrid now owe the Manchester United goalkeeper a tidy sum of money for *not* signing him before yesterday's transfer deadline.

According to AS, Real Madrid had an agreement in place with De Gea that means the United 'keeper is now due€10million in consolation for the transfer not materialising.

Joey Barton Blasts ‘Lazy’ Premier League Clubs For Not Buying Him During Transfer Window

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In the cut-throat world of football, confidence is a key attribute in making it to the top (or near to the top). However, in the case of a certain Mr. Joseph Barton, when exuded in large quantities, it can make you look like a right eejit.


A pensive Barton auditioning for the new series of Sherlock Holmes

In his latest outburst in the Telegraph, Burnley's new-signing has questioned Premier League clubs for not picking him up on a free transfer.

Official: Uruguayan Winger Carlos De Pena Joins Middlesbrough, But Only After Crashing Car On Deadline Day

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Transfer Deadline Day can be bad for your health. Not only does it send the blood pressure of Arsenal fans rocketing through the roofevery year,but the last-minute drama can affect the players involved too.

Uruguayan winger Carlos de Pena was a target for Championship giants Middlesbrough on Tuesday, with the 23-year-old even booking himself a plane ticket to Teesside as a move to England beckoned.

Saido Berahino Throws Wobbly After Tottenham Move Blocked, Vows To Never Play For West Brom Again

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With it looking ever more likely that he won't be joining Tottenham any time soon, Saido Berahino has thrown a bit of a wobbly about the way West Brom have gone about crushing his dreams of playing alongside Andros Townsend.

Berahino has sought to make his feelings clear by actually making them ten times more confusing than they were before, with a sprawling Tweet apparently aimed in the general direction of Baggies chairman Jeremy Peace.

Official: Manchester United Show Off Their New £36m Anthony Martial (Photos)

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Photo: @ManUtd

They took their sweet bloomin' time about it, but Anthony Martial is now officially a Manchester United player after passing his medical at Carrington earlier this morning.

United have now sealed the deal by trotting out the photos of the 19-year-old French striker holding his new No.

Official: Aston Villa Take The Plunge And Give West Brom £1m For Joleon Lescott (Video)

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Aston Villa have signed Joleon Lescott from localrivals West Brom, thus almost completing the former Wolves defender's grand slam tour of the greater Birmingham clubs.

Lescott came through a medical this afternoon and has since signed a two-year contract with Villa.

Here he is, being unveiled all sexily, toe-to-head.

Charlie Austin Appears To Pledge Immediate Future To QPR With Timely Deadline Day Tweet

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Not that we're willing to put too much stock in inconclusive Tweets, but it looks very much like Charlie Austin has sort of pledged his immediate future to QPR despite continuing to be linked with several Premier League sides well into the thick of deadline day.

Austin was supposed to be joining Newcastle, then Tottenham, then Bournemouth, then Crystal Palace, etc, etc but it would seem that all of his potential suitors have baulked in turn at QPR's £15million asking price.

Official: Southampton Complete £11.5m Deal For Virgil Van Dijk (Photo)

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Photo: @SouthamptonFC

Having already brought inSteven Caulker from QPR earlier in the window, Southampton have further bolstered their defensive ranks today with the signing of Virgil van Dijk from Celtic.

The Dutch centre-back, 24, has agreed a five-year contract at St Mary's after lengthy negotiations and moves for a fee reported to be somewhere in the region of £11.

Official(ish): Nottingham Forest’s Season Over As Michail Antonio Goes Skipping Away To West Ham

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Well, that's Nottingham Forest's season over then.

West Ham have completed an £7million deal for winger Michail Antonio, snapping up last season'sPlayer of the Year on a four-year deal.

The transfer was announced firstby the Hammersowner's teenage son. What more confirmation could you possibly need?

Official: Crystal Palace Hero Glenn Murray Completes £5m Bournemouth Switch

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'Tis the end of an era at Crystal Palacetoday with the news that Glenn Murray has joined Premier League newcomers Bournemouth on a permanent deal.

Murray's goals helped catapult the Eagles up into the top flight a couple of seasons ago but the 31-year-old striker has found prolonged first-team action a little harder to come by since the aforementioned promotion.

Deadline Day Jeopardised As Harry Redknapp Attacked By Wind-Assisted Gazebo (Video)

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Transfer deadline day almost had to be scuttled earlier when Harry Redknapp was attacked by a rampaging gazebo while conducting his business from an abandoned dockyard...

Can't believe it. Attacked by a gazebo! Will stick to doing #DeadlineDay from my car in the future.

David De Gea Will ‘100% Remain A Manchester United Player’, So Says The Official Champions League Twitter Account

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David De Gea will 100% remain a Manchester United player beyond transfer deadline day. This is a universal certainty.

Not our words Carol. The words of the official UEFA Champions League Twitter account...

Confirmation that @D_DeGea will 100% remain a @ManUtd player #UCL #DeadlineDay pic.

Official: Chelsea Pip Fulham And QPR To Sign Papy Djilobodji From Nantes (Photo)

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Having been shot down in their pursuit of John Stones, Chelsea have gone out and signed the next best thing in the shape of Nantes centre-back Papy Djilobodji.

Chelsea are yet to emit any official word, but Nantes have confirmed that transfer via a statement on their club website...

[OFFICIEL] : Papy Djilobodji @ChelseaFC http://t.

Manchester United: Morgan Schneiderlin Reveals ‘Wayne Rooney Had To Ask Me Who Anthony Martial Was’

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Despite the astronomical fee reportedlybeing bandied around, it would appear that most people have been caught cold by Manchester United's fervent pursuit of Anthony Martial.

United are on the verge of making the Monaco striker the most expensive teenager ever by dropping £36million on the 19-year-old not that anybody has the foggiest idea who he is, including his prospective new teammates.

Official: Jose Enrique Leaves Liverpool For New Life At West Brom (Photo)

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Jose Enrique is a Liverpool player no longer. After sliding down and pretty much off the bottom of the pecking order at Anfield, the Spanish left-back has left to join West Brom on a permanent deal.

Here he is with his scarf, his impossibly white teeth and his throstle...

Photo via @Football_SL

Make of that what thou will.

Classic Moments: Norwich City New Boy Dieumerci Mbokani Gets Stuck On A Rollercoaster, 2008 (Video)

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With nowt but an international permit pending, Norwich City have signed DR Congo striker Dieumerci Mbokanion a season-long loanfrom Dynamo Kiev.

Mbokani is a direct replacement for the departing Ricky van Wolfswinkel, who joined Real Betis on loan yesterday after a torrid stint at Carrow Road.

Official: Victor Moses Joins West Ham On Loan (But Not Before Signing New Four-Year Chelsea Contract)

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Victor Moses has joined West Ham on loan, because that's what everybody else is doing this deadline day...

BREAKING: The Hammers are delighted to confirm the arrival of @VictorMoses on loan. http://t.co/N1l1JM9ZZu #WHUFC pic.

On This Day In 2001: England Thump Germany 5-1 At The Olympiastadion

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When Carsten Jancker put Germany ahead in Munich's Olympic Stadium after just six minutes in 2001, it looked like it could be a repeat of what was becoming an all-too-familiar story.

However England, and particularly the Liverpool contingent thereof, were having none of it.

Six minutes after Jancker's goal, Michael Owen equalised by givingNick Barmby's exquisite flick-on the finish it so richly deserved.

Owner’s Threats Force Newcastle Fans To Stop Selling Magpies Brand Kit

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Newcastle United have banned The Magpie Brand from selling its black and white tops. The shirts are a popular alternative to the sell-out Wonga-embossed official kit.

Newcastle's lawyers threatend The Magpie Brand. Stop selling the shirts or else.

The Magpie Brand realised "there was the possibility of an expensive legal battle which may or may not go our way [and], as a small group of fans with families, mortgages and children, we had no option but to cave in to the bullying tactics employed against us.

Pies Exclusive: Jim White’s Top 10 Favourite Sky Sports News Transfer Deadline Day Memories

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"...so I opened it in my dog's name. Bish, bash, bosh. Job's a good'n"

In the spirit of the day, Pies have managed to make a few calls, pull a few strings and somehow bag ourselves a natter with the man in the very eye of the Sky Sports News' Transfer Deadline Day hurricane, Mr Jim White.

Official: West Ham Take Nikica Jelavic Off Hull City’s Hands And Pay £3m For The Privilege (Photo)

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By 'eck, West Ham are on it this morning. After already snaring Alex Song on a season-long loan, the Hammershave also signed Nikica Jelavic from Hull City and handed over a reported£3million for the pleasure.

There's no formal word from either party yet, but the photos of Jelavic holding his new work uniform aloft at Upton Park are already doing the rounds on Twitter.

David De Gea’s £29m Move To Real Madrid Goes Down The Pan – Twitter Reacts With Usual Level Of Compassion And Kindness

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As you've no doubt heard, David De Gea's move to Real Madrid collapsedlast night thanks to an administrative error thatcaused the registration documents to be filedafter the Spanish transfer deadline.

The net result wasthree months of negotiations going down the tubes. Thankfully, however, Twitter was on hand to react with itsusual levels of compassion and sensitivity.

Official: Everton Spluff £9.5m On River Plate Defender Ramiro Funes Mori

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Having held firm overJohn Stones all summer, Everton have gone and added to their defensive stable on deadline day with the signing of Argentinian defender Ramiro Funes Mori from River Plate.

The once-capped, 24-year-old centre-back joins on a five-year deal for a fee of £9.5million...

CONFIRMED: #EFC complete signing of defender Ramiro Funes Mori for a fee of £9.

Barnsley Fans Keep Themselves Amused During Rochdale Defeat By Having Fun With A Plant Pot (Video)

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Barnsley got panned 3-0 by Rochdale in League One on Saturday, so obviously their travelling supporters were forced to find an alternative way to keep themselves amused.

As luck would have it, somebody found a plant pot...

Adam Dyson | Facebook

It's the simple things that truly make life worth living.

Five Surprising Football Deals That Raised Eyebrows In The Days Before The Transfer Window

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These days, the transfer window is synonymous withall manner of speculation, controversy and then either outrage or meltdown depending on who gets whom and when, etc.

But while it's easy – really, it is – to deride the detrimental effects of the current window system on the game, as well as the brain cells of so many fans, transfer controversy is not solelya modern phenomenon.

Official: West Ham Re-Sign Alex Song From Barcelona On Season Long Loan (Photo)

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West Ham have finally completed the re-signing of Alex Song from Barcelona after a fortnight or so of umm-ing and ah-ing.

The 27-year-old Cameroon midfielder spent last season on loan at Upton Park, impressing in patches, before returning to the Camp Nou over the summer.

He took a bit of convincing, but Song has since agreed to spend another year at the Hammers, this time under new coach Slaven Bilic.

Transfer Balls: Tottenham Refuse To Give Up On Berahino, Arsenal Eye £45m Cavani Deal, Moses To West Ham, Sunderland Want Liverpool Defender

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Transfer Balls sifting throughthe day's rumours so you don't have to...

Today is transfer deadline day. Clubs have until 6pm to complete signings. It's going to be frantic. This is how the newspapers have kicked off the day's chaos.

Tottenham

Tottenham will offer£22million for West Brom's Saido Berahino, 22.