Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2015

Official: Kevin De Bruyne Completes Record £58m Man City Transfer (Photos)

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"What's got two thumbs and is feeling a bit embarrassed at the moment?"

Thank f**k. It's over. It's finally over. After months of remorseless dry-humping, Kevin De Bruyne is officially a Manchester City player.

The Belgian winger joins from Wolfsburg for a bafflingly astronomical fee of £58million,thus surpassingthe recently-procured Raheem Sterling as City's most expensive ever signing.

The Best Bits: Man City 2-0 Watford (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester City continued their 100% start to the new season, courtesy of a 2-0 win at home to Watford on Saturday.

The Hornets came to the Etihad with a plan to stifle the Citizens talented attack and in the first-half it worked, with the visitors producing an organised defensive display.

View image | gettyimages.

West Ham Fan Gets Tattoo To Commemorate Hammers’ First League Win At Anfield In 52 Years (Photos)

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The last time West Ham won a league game at Anfield, the Beatles (rather aptly) were topping the 1963 hit parade with "She Loves You". So it's no surprise that Saturday's victory for the Hammers away to Liverpool has Irons' fans rather pleased with themselves.

One such fan is Jon High who, prior to the game, had promised to get himself a commemorative tattoo if his beloved side finally tasted victory againaway to the Reds.

The Best Bits: Liverpool 0-3 West Ham (Photos & Highlights)

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West Ham's unpredictable start to the new season continued at Anfield on Saturday afternoon, with Slaven Bilic's side enjoying a shock 3-0 win against the Reds.

There were only three minutes on the clock with debutantManuel Lanzini netted after an Aaron Cresswell centre following a poor clearance from Martin Skrtel.

The Best Bits: Chelsea 1-2 Crystal Palace (Photos & Highlights)

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In his 100th Premier League home game, Jose Mourinho suffered only second home league defeat with Chelsea, courtesy of a shock 2-1 win at the hands of a vibrant Crystal Palace side.

The home side were the better side in the first period, with Eagles' 'keeper Alex McCarthy saving well from both Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas.

The Best Bits: Newcastle 0-1 Arsenal (Photos & Highlights)

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Arsenal produced yet another impotent display at St. James' Park, with a Fabricio Colocinni own-goal giving them victory against 10-man Newcastle.

View image | gettyimages.com

The Gunners lined-up with Theo Walcott replacing Olivier Grioud in attack and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain in for the injured Mesut Ozil.

Stoke City: Bojan On Pep, Barcelona And Why He Picked Stoke

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Bojan Krkic of Barcelona celebrates his goal during the La Liga match between FC Barcelona and Recreativo de Huelva, played at the Camp Nou stadium on November 24, 2007 in Barcelona, Spain.

The Times can't get over it. Matt Dickinson's interview with Stoke City's Bojan Krkic is headlined:""Boy wonder Bojan enjoys his return to café society .

Watch: When Thierry Henry Hears ‘Own Goal’ Is Arsenal’s Top Scorer This Season

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Arsenal have beaten Newcastle United 0-1. The scorer was Own Goal also the scorer when they won at Crystal Palace.

Thierry Henry hears the news that of three Premier League goals for Arsenal this season to date, Own Goal has scored two:

When Thierry Henry hears ‘own goal' is Arsenal's top scorer this season.

Europa League: Celtic Fans Post Hilarious Responses To Threats From Knife-Wielding Fenerbahce Ultras (Photos)

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After the two teams were drawn together in the Europa League group stage yesterday afternoon, Fenerbahce fans wasted no time in attempting to intimidate their Celtic-supporting counterparts as is their ridiculous wont.

As soon as the balls were out of the bag, so to speak, Celtic fans were inundated with this kind of knife-toting nonsense.

Science: Mario Balotelli’s Autograph Apparently Reveals He Is A ‘Confident But Fragile’ Young Man

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Having left a spoiled brat and returned a man, it's fair to say that all eyes are on Mario Balotelli in Italy at the moment following his emotional return to AC Milan.

As if to exemplify just how much scrutiny he's under, Italian website Sportmediaset brought in a "professional graphologist" to really dig deep and psychoanalyse Balotelli's autograph in order to give us all a true, scientific measure of the man.

Snapshot: Newcastle Winger Florian Thauvin Turns Up At St James’ Park Wearing Full Tuxedo…

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Just like his Newcastle teammate Chancel Mbemba before him, new signing Florian Thauvin turned up at St James' Park wearing a full tuxedo before this afternoon's game against Arsenal.

Why, is quite another matter...

View image | gettyimages.com View image | gettyimages.com

They must be on sale at Sports Direct, that's all we can think.

Old Harry: Britain’s Most Senior Referee, 88, Set To Retire After Sustaining Career-Ending Hip Injury

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We never thought we'd live to see that day, but it would appear that Britain's most senior referee, Harry Hardy, is set to hang up his whistle and call it a day.

Sadly, 88-year-old Harry fell and injured his hip recently, admitting that it "feels rotten" but he may have to knock refereeing on the head after overseeing well over 3,000 matches since he started out in 1959.

Ryan Babel Tells Female Liverpool Fan To ‘Grow Some T**s’ During Ridiculous Sexist Twitter Spat

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Not being the brightest button to begin with, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that former Liverpool winger Ryan Babel has got himself into a bit of a pickle after posting some incredibly sexist remarks on Twitter.

It all began when Babel posted a link to a Daily Mail article about Rafa Benitez and appeared to question the assertion that his former manager at Anfield was a defensive coach.

Everton: Roberto Martinez Says Chelsea Have ‘Mixed Up’ John Stones

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Roberto Martínez is unimpressed byChelsea's pursuit of John Stones. The player has become unsettled. Everton fans have verbally abused him. The Sun newspapersays Stones hasbeen forced to "flee" his home. Martinez isalso upset at a transfer system which can unsettle players.

Stones has been told he's not leaving Everton and should honour the five-year contract he signed last summer.

Official: West Brom Agree £6m Fee With Man Utd For Jonny Evans

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Louis van Gaal's reshaping of the Manchester United squad continues with the news that centre-half Jonny Evans is on his way to West Brom in a £6million move.

The Northern Ireland international has been a reliable if unspectacular performer for the Red Devilssince making his debut for the club in 2007.

Transfer Balls: Stones ‘Flees’ Everton To Chelsea, Sunderland Want Toivonen, Arsenal Wait For Higuain

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Transfer Balls reading the day's rumours so you don't have to...

The way to keep John Stonesfrom leaving Everton is for the club's fans to make him "flee" his Widnes home and hide out in a hotel. Well, so says the Sun and who in Liverpool can doubt the veracity of that paper's reporting on the Merseyside teams?

Europa League Group Stage Draw: Tottenham Face Monaco In Glenn Hoddle Derby, Liverpool Up Against Rubin, Bordeaux And Sion

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Following swiftly in the footsteps of yesterday's Champions League group stage draw comes the knock-down, cut-price, bargain-basement, soiled-seconds Europa League equivalent.

The mini footballs of fate have all been retrieved from the perspex goldfish bowls of destiny and ergo the draw looks like this.

Premier League Referee Michael Oliver Plucked From Crowd To Run The Line After Injury Strikes During Women’s Super League Game

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It was supposed to be his night off, but Premier League referee Michael Oliver found himself plucked from the crowd and forced to work overtime during last night's Women's Super League game between Arsenal and Reading.

As the game neared half-time, one of the lineswomen on duty at Meadow Park pulled up injured and was unable to continue.

New Burnley Signing Joey Barton Once Made Less-Than-Complimentary Comments About Burnley On Twitter

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After being released back into the wild by QPR at the start of the summer, Joey Barton signed up for a season at Burnley yesterday.

In fact, it was revealed that Barton was wooed into joining the Clarets after manager Sean Dyche cooked lunch for the 32-year-old midfielder.

As you'd expect with a belly full of grub, Barton was all sweetness and light while breaking the news to his legions of Twitter followers thatevening.

On This Day In 2011: Manchester United Humiliate Arsenal At Old Trafford With Astonishing 8-2 Thrashing

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The BBC, and who are we to disagree with such an august body, called it "total humiliation".

Arsenal were "outclassed," left "dispirited and broken" and manager Arsene Wenger faced the "defining days of his reign" after a victory which "underscored the gulf that has opened up between United and Arsenal".

Official: Tottenham Complete €30m Deal For Son Heung-Min, Welcome Him On Board With Pithy Pun

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It's 99.99% official. €30million has changed hands and, pending a work permit and international clearance, Son Heung-Min is a Tottenham player.

The South Korean forward joins Spurs on a five-year deal from Bayer Leverkusen, where he scored 17 goals in all competitions last season.

Indeed, Spurs welcomed their new boy on board with a pithy hashtag pun.

Lionel Messi’s Solo Bamboozler Against Bayern Munich Voted UEFA Champions League Goal Of The Season (Video)

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Lionel Messi's cracking solo effort against Bayern Munich in the semi-finals of the Champions League has beaten a seriously strong field to be crownedUEFA Goal of the Season for 2014/15, as voted for by UEFA.com users.

Personally, we'd have given it to Aaron Ramsey for his silken volley against Galatasaray, but hey ho.

John Stones News Round-Up: Everton Reject Transfer Request And ‘Demand’ £45m From Chelsea

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John Stones wants toleave Everton. Chelsea have been tapping on the player's door all summer, keen to spend all that filthy lucre on the great English hope. Everton are not a big, international brand. They cannot offer Stones Champions' League football and massive wages. Roman Abramovich's Chelsea can.

Liverpool: Daniel Sturridge Returns To Training (Photos)

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Daniel Sturridge has finally returned totraining, albeit alone. The England strikermissed all of the club's pre-season and recordedonly 18 appearances for Liverpool last term, scoring just five goals.

Sturridge's last game for Liverpool was the FA Cup replay against Blackburn Rovers on April 8.

Arsenal: Wenger Counters Gary Neville’s Criticism Of Francis Coquelin

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Arsenal manger Arsène Wenger has defendedFrancis Coquelin after Gary Neville criticised the player's 'lack or power' on Sky Sports. Neville voiced the opinion thatFrancis Coquelin and Santi Cazorla were not good enough to anchor the Arsenal midfield.

Wenger was on the front foot:

I think we have had that debate for a long time now – ‘Arsenal does not buy defensive players' – but Coquelin has the best defensive statistics and numbers in Europe.

Official: Joey Barton Joins Burnley On Free Transfer In One-Year Deal

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Released by QPR this summer, combative midfielder and arch-egotist Joey Barton has signed on the dotted line for Championship side Burnley.

The 32-year-old had been linked with a move back to the top-flight with West Ham, but instead he joins Sean Dyche's ranks as they look to get themselves back in the Premier League.

Everton Reject John Stones’ Transfer Request, Demand £45m From Chelsea, Football Dies

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John Stones wants toleave Everton. Chelsea have been tapping on the player's door all summer, keen to spend all that filthy lucre on the great English hope. Everton are not a big, international brand. They cannot offer Stones Champions' League football and massive wages. Roman Abramovich's Chelsea can.

Champions League Draw: Chelsea Drawn With Porto, Man City Face Juventus, Arsenal Meet Bayern Munich (Again) And Man Utd Get Lucky With PSV

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After the usual eternal ball-jiggling and awkwardEuro-banter, the draw for the 2015/16 Champions League Group Stages finally got underway in Monaco this afternoon, with the Premier League's four entrants on the end of some interestingmatch-ups.

In Group G, Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho faces his old side Porto, with whom he won the Champions League back in 2003/04.

Limerick FC Sign 16-Year-Old Irish Striker Who Happens To Be The Spitting Image Of Neymar (Photo)

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At first glance, it might appear that Irish side Limerick FC have pipped Manchester United in the race to pull off the most fanciful transfer swoop of the summer so far.

In adding several new names to theirU17 National League squad, Limerick posted a photo on their official website of what the entire watching world immediately took to be Barcelona forward Neymar.

Sneaky: New York Red Bulls Pull Off Old ‘Trick Corner’ Routine To Score Against Chicago Fire (Video)

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Not that it mattered in the end, but New York Red Bulls adopted the dark arts by pulling off the old 'fake corner kick' routine before scoringan equaliser against Chicago Fire in MLS last night.

The ruse began when winger Lloyd Sam went over to place the ball in the quadrant and, unbeknownst to the Fire defence, surruptitiously rolled the ball just over the line.

Let’s Hear It For…Ian Harte, On His Retirement!

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Ian Harte has retired from football today, four days shy of his 38th birthday. The former Leeds, Carlisle, Reading and Levante left-back bows out having won 63 caps for the Republic of Ireland and scoring 12 international goals in the process.

Harte made over 250 appearances for Leeds after coming through the youth ranks at the Yorkshire club, making his senior debut in 1996 and helping himself to a raft of goals over the subsequent eight seasons at Elland Road even finding his way into the 1999/2000 PFA Team of the Year.

Bayer Leverkusen Manager Has Parting Dig At ‘Ill-Advised’ Son Heung-Min As €30m Tottenham Move Draws Ever Closer

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Son'll join Spurs tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar

Left with just a routine medical to pass before his€30million move can go through, it looks for all the world that Son Heung-Min is going to be a Tottenham player before the week is out.

The nimble South Korean forward is currently in London to hammer out the finer points of the transfer, but the colleagues he's leaving behind at Bayer Leverkusen are feeling aggrieved by Son's departure.

Arsenal Stars Mikel Arteta And Theo Walcott (And Gunnersaurus!) Attempt The ‘Dizzy Goals Challenge’ (Video)

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At a rain-lashed London Colney, several of Arsenal's stars took part in the viral 'Dizzy Goals' challenge yesterday to help raise money for the Global Goals campaign.

First up were Mikel Arteta and Theo Walcott who both faired equally poorly (despite somehow escaping with a 100% scoring record) before the club's real big hitter stepped up to the plate.

On This Day In 1988: British Record Signing Tony Cottee Makes Instant Impact On Everton Debut With Hat-Trick Against Newcastle

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Back in the days before Evertonians flew planes over football grounds demanding more ambition from their board, the Toffees top brass kept the fans sweet by lashing out £2.2million on West Ham striker Tony Cottee – the most expensive purchase ever made by a British club at the time.

On his debut on the opening day of the 1988/89 season, Cottee netted after 34 seconds and went on to score a hat-trick in a 4-0 home rompover Newcastle United.

Livid Everton Fan Calls John Stones A ‘F**king Rat’ After League Cup Win Over Barnsley (Video)

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Everton just about managed to squeeze past Barnsley in the first round of the Capital One Cup, though John Stones' grand return to Oakwell proved to besomething of a mixed night for the young centre-half.

Despite being partially at fault for Barnsley's first goal, Stones rallied as Everton came from 2-0 down to eventually win the game 5-3 in extra-time.

Concious Uncoupling: Kevin Nolan And West Ham Part Company On Mutual Terms

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'Tis truly the end of an era. After four-and-a-smidge wonderful years, Kevin Nolan and West Ham have parted company, citing irreconcilable differences.

In a statement posted on the West Ham website, Nolan bid his farewell:

I've thoroughly enjoyed my time at West Ham United and will take some great memories with me.

Wayne Rooney Scores Hat-Trick, Chicharito Endures Nightmare Cameo As Manchester United Trounce Club Brugge (Videos)

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Manchester United stuck four unanswered goals past Club Brugge in the second leg of their Champions League qualifier to rack up a massive 7-1 aggregate victory over their Belgian hosts.

Wayne Rooney helped himself to a critic-silencing hat-trick, while the unfavoured Ander Herrera once again trumped Louis van Gaal's obvious lack of faith in him be adding the fourth.

Sir Alex Ferguson Joins LinkedIn, Lists Skills As ‘Director, Ambassador And Author/Dreamweaver’

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Today is26th August, 2015 the date that will echo throughout history as the day Sir Alex FergusonjoinedLinkedIn.

For those blissfully unaware, LinkedIn is a social networking site aimed at professionals. It is also responsible for generating almost 70% of the internet's entire quota of unsolicitedemails, but that's really by-the-by.

Victor Valdes’s Ugly Manchester United Exile Almost Over As Besiktas Agree Two-Year Deal

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Victor Valdes's exile at Manchester United is almost at an end with the news thatBesiktas have struck a two-year deal for the surplus goalkeeper this afternoon.

Valdes was omitted from United's first-team squad by Louis van Gaal before the start of the season and has since watched every game from the stands alongside his fellow errant goalkeeping exile, David De Gea.

‘Rise Of The Krays’ Film Financed By West Ham Co-Owner David Sullivan Receives Suspiciously Good Online Reviews

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(Photo: Daily Mirror)

When notrunningroughshodoverCharlie Austin's dodgy knee ligaments, West Ham co-owner David Sullivan has been keeping himself busy of late by helping to producea new film about 1960's East End gangster icons Ronnie and Reggie Kray.

Financed by Sullivan and directed by Zakary Adler, 'The Rise of the Krays' stars brothers Ken and Sebastian Brown as the titulartwins and apparently "pulls no punches" in depicting the Krays "as they really were" y'know, like every single other movie about the Kray twins.

Hong Kong Football Fan Changes Name By Deed Poll To ‘Man United Dick Law’ (Photo)

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In a bid to fully cement his love for all things football, one bloke in Hong Kong has gone and paid good money to change his name by deed poll to 'Man United Dick Law'.

The 'Man United' bit is obvious but Dick Law, rather confusingly, is the man currently responsible for facilitatingArsenal's transfer dealings.

Ipswich’s New Signing Larsen Toure Suffers Embarrassing Case Of Premature Shirt Ejaculation During League Cup Match

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He may look like a man who works as aprogrammer for Atari in 1983, but the chap you see afore ye is actually Larsen Toure, a Guinea internationalwingerwho signed for Ipswich Town from the French lower leagues over the summer.

Hoping to ingratiate himself with the Ipswich fans after the Capital One Cup tie against Doncaster last night, Toure made his way over to the travelling fans at the final whistle and promptly lobbed his shirt into the crowd.

FAIL: Sheffield United ‘Striker’ Conor Sammon Misses Absolute Nailed-On Sitter vs Blackpool (Video)

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Q: What you get if you cross a football and Conor Sammon?

A: A goal-kick.

AC Milan Impose Strict ‘Code Of Conduct’ On Mario Balotelli As Used By The Italian Air Force

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Mario Balotelli brought his miserablestint at Liverpool to an end yesterday by swanning off to former club AC Milan on a season-long loan.

However, according to Gazzetta dello Sport, Milan have sought to cover their arses by imposing a strict 'code of conduct' on the infamously easily-distractedstriker in order to get him back to his best.

On This Day In 1995: Middlesborough Sweep Chelsea Aside In First Game At New Riverside Stadium

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On this very day some 20 years ago, Middlesbrough's new Riverside Stadium hosted its first match, with the home side beating Chelsea 2-0 thanks to goals from Boro legends Craig Hignett and Jan Aage Fjortoft.

The stadium was the first to be designed and built to comply with Taylor Report (the national inquiry into stadium safety instigated by the Hillsborough disaster) and was commissioned after it became clear the capacity of Boro's famous old Ayresome Park ground couldn't be expanded beyond 20,000 under the new all-seating rules, due to being hemmed in by terraced housing.

Farce: Coventry City Fans Banned From Using New Purpose-Built £5m Ricoh Arena Railway Station Because The Trains Are ‘Too Small’

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After being put through the ringer over the past few years, Coventry City fans are no strangers to a bit of farce.

Indeed, the latest high profile bungle at the Ricoh Arena has seen City fans banned from using the stadium's new, purpose-built, multi-million-pound railway station because, and we quote, the "trains are too small".

Capital One Cup Draw: Tottenham Host Arsenal, Aston Villa Face Birmingham In Derby-licious 3rd Round Lineup

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Following a night of penalty shoot-out drama and Premier League scalps in the Capital One Cup second round, the Third Round draw was duly made, with a couple of crackers pulled out of the hat.

The draw threw up a couple of delectablederby clashes, with Tottenham hosting north London rivals Arsenal and Aston Villa, courtesy of their 5-3 extra-time win against Notts County, going head to head with Birmingham City.

Another Euro-Flop For Celtic As Bhoys Bow Out In Malmo (Photos & Highlights)

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Ronny Delia's Celtic crashed out of the Champions League at the play-off stages for the second time in succession after the Scottish giants lost 2-0 in Malmo.

With the tie nicely poised at 3-2 following the Hoops' win at Celtic Park, the atmosphere at theSwedbank Stadion was electric and it was the home side who looked sharper from the off.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Target John Stones Hands In Transfer Request At Everton

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Oh when will it ever end! Well, probably just before the transfer window closes on Monday evening when John Stones finally moves to Chelsea. But until then, we have much more speculation and hearsay to endure.

View image | gettyimages.com

The latest news, via those 100000% trustworthy 'Sky Sources', is that the Everton centre-half has handed in a transfer requests at Goodison Park in order to push through his move to the Blues.

Official: West Brom Reject Second Tottenham Bid Of £22m For Saido Berahino

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Increasingly desperate to bring in a new striker before the transfer window closes in a week's time, Tottenham have had a second bid rejected for West Brom's Saido Berahino.

Berahino was left out of Tony Pulis' squad for Sunday's 3-2 defeat against Chelsea on the grounds that he'd had his head turned by Spurs' relentless wooing.

Wycombe Wanderers Ballboy Given Special VIP Media Day After Goal Celebration Goes Global (Photos & Video)

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As you no doubt recall, Wycombe Wanderers ballboy Taylor Hunt hit the headlines over the weekend when he joined in the jubilant celebrations following the Chairboys' 95th-minute equaliser against Dagenham & Redbridge on Saturday afternoon.

Well, in order to pay Taylor back for his fervent support, Wycombe laid on a special VIP media day for the youngster on Tuesday, inviting media outlets from across the world down to their training ground to grab a few choice words with the man of the moment.

Ex-Tottenham Dud Paulinho Scores Fantastic Dipping Freekick For Guangzhou Evergrande (Video)

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Like Roberto Soldado before him, it would appear that former Tottenham dud Paulinho hasn't taken long toput his White Hart Lane torpor behind him.

Two months after ditching Spurs in favour of a lucrative move to China, the much-maligned Brazilian midfielder has just gone and scored this sumptuous dipping free-kick for his new side Guangzhou Evergrande.

Random Great Goals: Watford’s Nathaniel Chalobah Scores Sub-Atomic Screamer Against Leicester, 2013 (Video)

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At the tail end of the 2012/13 season, Watford managed to delay Hull City's automatic promotion party by a week by virtue ofsecuring a 2-1away victory over fellow play-off contenders Leicester City in their penultimate game of the campaign.

The Hornets went a goal up through Troy Deeney before Nathaniel Chalobah doubled the lead with an absolute sub-atomic thronker from 35 yards that renderedKasper Schmeichel well and truly helpless.

Copa Sudamericana: Uruguayan Player Chucks Himself Off Stretcher In Brazen Attempt To Waste Time (Video)

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Having won the first leg of their Copa Sudamericana tie against Bolivia's Real Potosi by a convincing 4-1 margin, you could be forgiven for thinking that Uruguayan side Juventud would be sitting pretty in the return leg last week.

That wasn't the case, with Potosi scoring two goals before the hour mark to claw themselves right back into the tie at 4-3 on aggregate.

On This Day In 1997: Blackburn Rovers Stick Seven Past Sheffield Wednesday In Nine-Goal Thriller At Ewood (Video)

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Under Roy Hodgson's guidance, Blackburn Rovers were attempting to regain the heights that had seen them take the Premier League title in 1995/96.

That success had been followed by a season of abject disappointment after reigning champions Rovers first floggedtheir main goal threat, Alan Shearer, for a world-record £15million fee and then proceeded to wash up in 13th place in the 1996/97 campaign.

Official: Juventus Offer Juan Cuadrado Chelsea Escape Route With Season-Long Loan

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With the recent arrival of Pedro at Stamford Bridge, it would appear that Chelsea have officially given up on Juan Cuadrado.

The Colombian winger is on the very cusp of joining Juventus on loan having made just a handful of cursory appearances for the Blues since his £23million Februarytransfer.

Former Brazil Goalkeeper Dida, 41, Displays Impressive Stamina During Internacional Training Drill (Video)

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Despite the creeping onset of middle age, former Brazil goalkeeper Dida is still plugging away at Internacional at the grand old age of 41.

The 'keeper became something of a legend at AC Milan during his heyday, where he became one of only three Rossoneri stoppers to make over 200 Serie A appearances.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United Make Big Offer For Kevin De Bruyne

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Belgian footballer Kevin De Bruyne was all set to join Manchester City. News was that terms had been agreed. But Christian Ortlepp, Chief Reporter at German channel, Sport1, says Manchester United have moved for theWolfsburg winger.

Ortlepp cites a fee of £55m.

The Express says the offer is £58m.

The Best Bits: Arsenal 0-0 Liverpool (Photos & Highlights)

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Arsenal and Liverpool played out a thoroughly entertaining clash at the Emirates on MOnday night in a game which somehow ended goalless.

With Per Mertesacker ill and Laurent Koscielny suffering from a back injury, the Gunners started with Gabriel and Callum Chambers in the centre of defence.

Arsenal: Petr Cech Makes Great Saves Against Liverpool (Video)

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On Petr Cech's home Asenal debut he gifted West Ham a 0-2 victory. Tonight agsint Lvierpool, he's kept the Gunenr in the game, keeping out a bending shot from Liverpool's lively Philippe Coutinho with his fingertips.

What a save this was from #Cech!

Karim Benzema Says: Only A ‘Clown’ Thinks I’m Moving To Arsenal

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According to no less an authority than the Daily Star, Karim Benzema will arrive at Arsenal today.

The player has taken time out fromhis packing to tell fans that, er, it's not happening, tweeting:

For all those clowns who want to make believe things at my fans. Here this is my home !

10 Brilliant Vintage Photos Of West Ham United At The Boleyn Ground

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Flashbak has a wonderful collection of photographs of West Ham at the Boleyn Ground, Upton Park.

We picked out 10:

War and Conflict, Post World War Two, pic: circa 1946, London, German prisoners enjoying a day out at Upton Park to watch West Ham United play Bradford, the men allowed out because of their good behaviour (Photo by Popperfoto/Getty Images)

Sport, Football, London, England, 14th February 1972, Fans crowd the roof of a block of flats overlooking West Ham's Upton Park pitch as the Hammers win their FA Cup replay v Hereford 3-1 (Photo by Popperfoto/Getty Images)

Football fans climbing over a fence at Upton Park football ground to watch the cup tie between West Ham and Arsenal, London, 5th January 1946.

Mario Balotelli Brings Liverpool Funk To An End, Rejoins AC Milan On Season Loan

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Rejoice, for Mario Balotelli's Liverpool torporis at an end. The itinerantItalian striker has rejoined AC Milan on a season-long loan.

The transferis not quite 100% official as of yet, but the Telegraph are reporting this afternoon that Balotelli's return to Milan is all but complete after the Rossoneri agreed to take on all of the player's £80,000-a-week wages.

Exeter City Winger Smacks Wayward Shot Into Crowd And Breaks His Own Girlfriend’s Wrist

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Seeing as though his side were sounded beaten 3-0 on their travels, it's safe to assume that Exeter City winger David Wheeler didn't really get much enjoyment out of last weekend'sLeague Two game against Northampton Town.

However,we can only imagine that Wheeler's dismal afternoon took a turn for the evenless enjoyable after meeting up with his girlfriend afterthe final-whistle, only to find that he'd inadvertently managed to break her wrist during the game.

End Of An Era: Nigerian Side Kano Pillars Finally Surrender Mammoth 12-YEAR Unbeaten Record

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Photo via BBC Sport

Like Keith Richards' respiratory system, you just assume that some things will go on forever.

Alas, Nigerian side Kano Pillars discoveredthat all things must pass on Sunday when their 12-year unbeaten home streak came to a bitter end with a2-1 defeat against Nasarawa United.

Wycombe Wanderers Ballboy Joins In With Jubilant 95th-Minute Goal Celebration! (Official Video)

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Apologies for being slightly tardy to the party with this one but we somehow managed to miss it over the weekend. Blame Czech lager for that one.

Anyway, young Wycombe Wanderers' ballboy Taylor Hunt became something of an internet sensation on Saturday when he quite literally foundhimself embroiled in the action.

Moroccan Goalkeeper Shown Straight Red Card For Manhandling Pesky Pitch Invader (Video)

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There was a time when a footballer man-handling a pitch-invader from the field would result in nothing more than a stout handshake from the head steward but, alas, those days are long gone.

Duringthe Moroccan Charity Shield on Friday night, AS Salégoalkeeper Mohammed Essoukhra found out the hard way that the times, they had a-changed when he took it upon himself to frog-march an interfering young scallywag from the pitch.

Ex-Tottenham Dud Roberto Soldado Takes Roughly 30 Minutes To Score First La Liga Goal For Villarreal (Video)

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When Roberto Soldado failed to find the El Madrigal terraces not once but twice while attempting to hoof the ball into the crowd during his official presentation, it looked very much as though the former Tottenham striker's goal-shy malaise was set to continue.

However, Villarreal kicked off their 2015/16 campaignwith a 1-1 draw against Real Betis and, whereas it took Soldado roughly three months to score his first goal from open play in Tottenham colours, it took thenewboy just half an hour to re-open his La Ligaaccount.

Out Of Work? Jermain Defoe Is Looking For A New Personal Assistant To Help Build Him Into A ‘Global Brand’

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Jermain Defoe is a busy man. In fact, he's so gosh-darn busy that he apparently needs a new executive personal assistant to help keep his affairs in order.

The Sunderland striker has posted a job listing online advertising for a new assistant, and to call the role 'demanding' is something of an understatement.

On This Day In 2009: Ashley Young Inspires Aston Villa’s First Victory Over Liverpool At Anfield For Eight Years (Video)

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Back in the days when an away win at Anfield was a rare thing, the signs weren't good for Aston Villa when they arrived for this early-season encounter. They hadn't won at Liverpool'sground for eight years, and had already lost at home in the league to Wigan and in the Europa League to Rapid Vienna.

Real Madrid Release ‘Overweight’ Youth Team Player, Player Responds With Cracking Twitter Jibe

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Competition for places amid Real Madrid's youth teams is notoriously tough, with dozensof not-quite-up-to-scratch youngsters finding themselves cut loose season to season.

Young FinnishstrikerEero Markkanen is one such case, with the 24-year-oldforward (nicknamed 'The Tank' due to his 6ft 5in frame) now in the process of finding himself a new club after being released by Zinedine Zidane's Castilla side over the summer.

Transfer Balls: The Fanciful Story Of Neymar’s Big Move To Manchester United

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Neymar, Luis Suarez and Dani Alves of FC Barcelona share a joke August 5, 2015

Transfer Balls a look at news of Neymar's supposed transfer to Manchester United.

Today, the Guardianhave taken up the story of Neymar's mooted transfer from Barcelona to Manchester United. This story started life in the Sun, which told readers of"secret talks" to buy the 23-year-old Brazil and Barcelona forward.

This? Oh, It’s Just David Hasselhoff Wearing Yaya Toure’s Man City Shirt (Photo)

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Today in 'things we never thought we'd live to see' news, here's David Hasselhoff posing while wearing Yaya Toure's Man City shirt (or should that be Kitt) for reasons we neither know nor understand...

was wearing your jersey today .

Arsenal: Wenger Rates Sterling Says Sanchez Creates Chaos And Talks About New Signings

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Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has been talking ahead of his side's Premier League match with Liverpool.

On Raheem Sterling's Liverpool Departure

They refused to sell us Luis Suárez, so I cannot feel too much sympathy for them.

Ex-Chelsea & Arsenal Man Lassana Diarra Marks Marseille Debut With Long-Range Stunner (Video)

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French midfielder Lassana Diarra has certainly had a colourful career so far, with unsuccessful spells at Chelsea and Arsenal followed by more successful periods with Portsmouth and then Real Madrid.

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Question marks remain over the 30-year-old's temperament but there is no doubting his talent.

The Best Bits: Everton 0-2 Man City (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester City kept alive their 100% start to the new season with an impressive victory at Goodison Park on Sunday.

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The visitors started strongly, with Tim Howard keeping out efforts from Sergio Aguero and David Silva.

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However, the Toffees fought back, with Romelu Lukaku hitting the crossbar with a fine free-kick.

The Best Bits: West Brom 2-3 Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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Chelsea steadied the ship (somewhat) on Sunday afternoon courtesy of a hard-fought 3-2 win at the Hawthorns.

West Brom ashould have taken an early lead whenCallum McManaman was felled in the box by Nemanja Matic. However, James Morrison's spot-kick was saved by Thibaut Courtois.

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Transfer Balls: Tottenham & Arsenal Target Victor Wanyama Tells Southampton He Wants To Leave

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Despite Roland Koeman insisting that there would be no more departures from St. Mary's this season, Sky Sports News tell us that Victor Wanyama has told the Saints that he wants to leave.

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According to those infamous 'Sky Sources' (i.e. Twitter), Southampton apparently approached the Kenyan with the offer of a new improved contract, only to be told by the combative midfielder that he wanted to move on.

Hoffenheim Striker Kevin Volland Scores Joint-Fastest Ever Bundesliga Goal vs Bayern Munich (Video)

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Pep Guardiola's all-conquering Bayern Munich were given a very early wake-up call against Hoffenheim on Saturday, with the Bundesliga behemoths conceding after just nine seconds of play.

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German international Kevin Volland was the scorer of the goal, the joint-fastest in Bundesliga history (along with Karim Bellarabi v Bayer Leverkuson last season), after David Alaba's horrific square-pass just after the kick-off.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 0-0 Newcastle (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United's 100% start to the new season came to a spluttering halt at Old Trafford on Saturday, with the impotent hosts failing to break down Newcastle.

United,with Bastian Schweinsteiger enjoying his first start of the new season, started brightly, with Memphis Depay looking the most likely to open the scoring.

Marco Matias Scores Stonking Volley As Sheffield Wednesday Draw 1-1 With Leeds In Yorkshire Derby (Video)

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Leeds United and Sheffield Wednesday played out a 1-1 draw in the Yorkshire derby earlier this afternoon, Marco Matias putting the Owls one up shortly before half-time with an absolute scorcher of a volley.

Shades of Gazza vs Scotland here...

GIF version, just in case...

Get. In.

Transfer Balls: Man United Want Neymar (In Secret), Arsenal Buy Benzema A Jet, Chelsea Agree Pogba Fee, Sunderland Sell Everyone

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Manchester UnitedWant Neymar

Hold the phone! Manchester United are in "secret talks" to buy 23-year-old Brazil and Barcelona forward Neymar, says the Sun.

Everton: Romelu Lukaku On Beating Manchester City, John Stones’ Move To Chelsea And Regret

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Everton's powerhouse strikerRomelu Lukakuhas been talking with the Guardian's Any Hunter. He's looking forward to Manchester City's visit.

Can He Be Better than Serio Aguero and Diego Costa?

Yes.because I can see a pass sometimes.

Chelsea: Mourinho Reveals His Pedro Conversation, Looking for More Players, Unhappy With His Own Form

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Chelsea manager has José Mourinho'spress conference offered much food for thought:

On His Form

I am not happy with my form. I used to get better results than I am getting now. This is the start of everything. I am not happy with Ivanovic's form, Cahill's form, John Terry's form, Azpilicueta's form, Fbregas's form, Nemanja Matic's form.

Real Mallorca Impose Ridiculously Strict New Rules On First-Team Players – No More ‘Extravagant’ Haircuts Or Stealing Toilet Paper

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The board at Real Mallorca have come down incredibly hard on their playersby imposing a raft of incredibly strict new rules and codes of conduct on their first-team squad.

According to AS, the senior players were all issued with a rule book in June that outlines exactly how they are expected to behave and present themselves from this season on.

Big Heads: 20 Of The Least Flattering Corinthian Figures Ever Made (Photos)

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Famed for playing fast and loose when it came to likenesses, Pies thought we'd take the opportunity to examine some of the least flattering Corinthian football figurines ever committed to resin.

Let's delve in shall we,starting with a real howler...

Wayne Rooney

Somehow even more potato-ier than the real thing.

Harry Redknapp Recalls The Time He Lost Out On Signing A Player Thanks To Brian Clough And Teletext

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All this talk of Chelsea stumping Manchester United in the race to sign Pedro has got Harry Redknapp in a wistful mood.

Of course he isn'tawheeler dealer far from it but still, our Harry has been around the block a few times when it comes to the transfer market, and the Pedro palaver has him thinking back to a time when he was on the receiving end of a similar raw deal during his Bournemouth days.

Italian Football Manager Obsessive Travels 2,500km To Ireland To Get Autograph Of His Favourite Derry City Player

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(Photo: Derry Journal)

The nutter you see before you is 19-year-old Alessandro Colombini, a card-carryingFootball Manager obsessive from Livorno in Italy.

In fact, so obsessed with Football Manager is Alessandro, that he decided one day that he just couldn't go on living his life without shaking hands withthe star of the Derry City team he'd guided to glory over the course of three years, striker Patrick McEleney.

Awkward: Mateo Kovacic Greets Everybody In Catalan At His Real Madrid Unveiling Ceremony (Video)

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Shortly after sealing his £25million move from Inter Milan to Real Madrid, Mateo Kovacic did the done the thing and followed Florentino Perez up on stage to say a few introductory words to the gathered media masses.

Unfortunately for the young midfielder, those words just so happened to be in Catalan.

Ligamentgate: Charlie Austin’s Injury Problems Are Far, Far Worse Than First Thought (With Video Evidence)

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Charlie Austin has had a pop back at West Ham co-chairman David Sullivan today after the latter denounced the former as an injury-riddled crock yesterday.

Discussing a potential summer move for Austin, Sullivan claimed that the Hammers pulled out after he heard on the grapevine that the QPR striker has no ligaments left in his knees.

Plucky Manchester United Fan Hands Louis Van Gaal Ridiculously Detailed Hand-Written Transfer Plan (Photo)

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Having collared manager Louis van Gaal on his way out of Carrington yesterday afternoon, one intrepid young Manchester United fan seized his opportunity to hand over the in-depth transfer plan he'd been beavering away on for the past few days.

Van Gaal was the only one to stop for the fans to sign autographs.

On This Day In 1996: Alan Shearer Seals Victory For Newcastle On His Homecoming Debut

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Sometimes it just all goes to script. Alan Shearer, then with hair, was making his home debut for hometown club Newcastle United.

The Toon had lashed out a world record £15million that summer to bring the sheet metal worker's son home from Blackburn Rovers and, after squandering a 12-point lead the previous season, hopes were high that the title would finally be coming to Tyneside on the back of Shearer's arrival.

Sunderland: Jermain Defoe On Leaving For Bournemouth And Aiming For A 20-Goal Season

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The rumour mill whispers that Jermain Defoe wants to quit Sunderland, with Bournemouth reportedly keen to renew a relationship that bore fruit when the player was a West Ham loanee. Defoe says that's nonsense. He's been talking with the press...

On BargingIntoSunderland Head Coach Dick Advocaat's Office And Demanding A Move

I have never done that.

Transfer Balls: John Stones Dreams Of Chelsea, Everton Talk To Yarmolenko, Liverpool Offer Sakho New Deal

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Stones Rolls Over

Everton defender John Stones, 21, will put in a transfer request in an attempt to force through a move to Chelsea, says theSun. The paper says Stones sees playing for Chelsea as a"dream move".

Football Vine: Robin Van Persie Nets First Goal For Fenerbahce, Heads Home Late Winner vs Atromitos

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Robin Van Persie's new career in Turkey has started slowly, with the Dutchman hampered by injury since his summer move from Manchester United to Fenerbahce.

However, the 32-year-old striker finally broke his duck for the Turkish giants on Thursday night, scoring the only goal of the game against Greek side Atromitos in the Europa League Play-Offs.

Deceased Arsenal Fan Has Pop At Ex-Gunner Alexander Hleb From Beyond The Grave

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Alexander Hleb was a bit of a Marmite player during his time with Arsenal. Capable of the most incredible dribbles followed by the most inept shooting, the Belarusian ball player never quite made the most of his talents with the Gunners, before moving to Barcelona for £12million (where he once again failed to deliver on a consistent basis).

Europa League: Dortmund Come From Three Goals Down To Win Very Odd Qualifier (Photos & Video)

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Borussia Dortmund produced a mgnificent comeback in their Europa League qualifier on Thursday night, coming from 3-0 down to eventually edge Odds BK 4-3 in Norway.

Playing against a full-strength Dortmund side, the hosts incredibly found themselves three goals to the good after just 22 minutes, courtesy of goals fromJone Samuelsen (2 mins),Fredrik Nordkvelle (19 mins) andEspen Ruud (22 mins) with a cracking free-kick.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Sign Benzema And Cavani On A TalkSport Deadline

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Transfer Balls brings you the mega news that Arsenal have signed KarimBenzzzzzzzzema.

Like you, we're getting tired to the rumours that Karim Benzema is going Arsenal. Every summer since 2013 the France and Real Madrid striker has been heading to the Gunners.

2015:

2014:

2013:

Things have gottena tad more interesting this year.

Pedro’s £23m Chelsea Transfer Will Save His Boyhood Club Raqui San Isidro From Bankruptcy

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Amid the hype and the bluster, there is a smidgen of genuinely cockle-warmingnews to emerge from Pedro's transfer from Barcelona to Chelsea this afternoon.

Thanks to the trickle-down effect ofFIFA's "training and solidarity mechanism", the £23million deal is set to land Pedro's boyhood team,Raqui San Isidro, a timely£320,000 windfall a wodge of cash that may just save the tiny fifth-tier club from liquidation.

Official: Chelsea Hail New Signing Pedro, Slayer Of Manchester United!

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It's official. Chelsea have signedPedro from Barcelona on a four-year deal.

Welcome to Chelsea, @_Pedro17_! #CFC pic.twitter.com/UGc6yYBQsx

- Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) August 20, 2015

Indeed, Pedro has already come through his first training session at Cobham.

West Ham Chairman David Sullivan Gives His Reasons For Going Cold On Charlie Austin: ‘He’s Got No Ligaments In His Knees’

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West Ham will not be signing Charlie Austin any time soon, especially is Hammers co-owner David Sullivan has anything to do with which he does.

With a clutch of Premier League sides sniffing around Austin's rear end at the moment, Sullivan has announced that West Ham are officially pulling out of the race to sign the QPR striker after catching word on the grapevine that his knees are shot.

Random Great Goals: Roger Boli Becomes Instant Walsall Cult Hero With Soaring Overhead Kick, 1997 (Video)

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Auxerre to Lille to Lens to Le Havre to Walsall is hardly the most well-worn career path in the great footballing canon, but that's precisely the journey that Ivory Coast-bornstriker Roger Boli embarked upon to find himself at the Bescot Stadium in 1997.

Fancy new Honda Civics aside, Boli quickly became something of a cult hero in his only season with Saddlers,scoring 12 league goals in Division Two before being snapped up by Dundee the following summer.

Everton Samaritan Steven Naismith Once Again Hands Out Free Match Tickets To Liverpool’s Unemployed

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Everton forward Steven Naismith has, for the second year running, spent his timegiving out free match tickets to unemployed people in Liverpool.

Just as he did last August, the 28-year-old Scottish internationalvisited the Jobcentreplus in Toxteth and gave away Everton tickets in a bid to help boost the morale of local people who are looking for work.

On This Day In 1994: Tottenham Striker Jurgen Klinsmann Dives Headlong Into Premier League Folklore

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Signing World Cup superstar Jurgen Klinsmann was a massive coup for Tottenham chairman Alan Sugar in the summer of 1994.

The German strikerwas widely regarded as one of, if not the, best in the world and Sugar was determined to turn things around for the club after it had been hit with an unprecedented fine and points deduction for previous transfer irregularities.

Official: Man City Finally Snag Nicolas Otamendi In €45m Deal

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The deal is done. After seemingly being bound for Manchester United for 9/10ths of the summer, Nicolas Otamendi is now officially a Manchester City player.

That little yarn is beginning to have a familiar ring to it at the moment, no?

Any road up, the Argentinian international defender has signed a five-year deal at City and joins from Valencia for a fee of€45million (approx £31.

Malmo Goalkeeper Johan Wiland Accuses Celtic Players Of Acting Like ‘Pigs’ And ‘Children’

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Malmo goalkeeper Johan Wiland has accused Celtic players of acting like "pigs" and "children" after the Champions League play-offfirst leg between the two sides at Celtic Park on Wednesday evening.

Celtic eventuallywon the game 3-2 but Jo Inge Berget's 94th-minute consolation gave Malmo two away goals and hope of being able to overturn the scoreline in the second leg in Sweden next week.

Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney: ‘One Bad Game And Everyone Is All Over It’

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MANCHESTER, ENGLAND AUGUST 08: Wayne Rooney of Manchester United lies on the ground during the Barclays Premier League match between Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford on August 8, 2015 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images)

Two games in and Wayne Rooney has hardlybeen setting the Premier League alight this season so far.

Colombian Midfielder Gio Moreno Nets Incredible Bicycle Kick In Chinese Super League (Video)

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What a magnificent goal this is! During Shanghai Shenhua's recent Chinese Premier League clash withGuangzhou Evergrande, Colombian midfielder Giovanni Moreno netted a glorious bicycle kick at the end of the first-half.

The difficult angle and distance from the Guangzhou goal makes the goal all the more spectacular, with Moreno's team-mate Demba Ba putting his hands on his head in disbelief.

Newcastle United Put New Signing Thauvin To Work Advertising Sports Direct (Photos)

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Florian Thauvin has joined Newcastle United fromMarseilles for £12m, with Rémy Cabella heading in the opposite direction on a season-long loan. In summer 2016Cabella will join the French club for£5.6 million.

Magpies managerSteve McClaren is delighted:

He is a perfect signing for this club someone who is young, with great potential and is one of the best young players in Europe.

West Ham: Alex Song Gets 3-Year Contract To ‘Maybe’ Play Well

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West Ham United will secure the services of former Arsenal midfielderAlex Song from Barcelona on a three-year contract if the player can pass a medical. The 27-year-old is currently nursingan ankle injury.

David Sullivan, the West Ham co-owner, tellsthe KUMB Podcast:

We have a deal in place with Alex Song subject to a medical.

Reports: Manchester United Lodge Surprise Bid For Southampton Forward Sadio Mané

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Sadio is a wanted Mané

Having seemingly been gazumped by Chelsea after dithering for too long in their quest to sign Pedro from Barcelona, it seems that Manchester United have already identified asecondary option in the shape of Southampton forward Sadio Mané.

In fact, the BBC are reporting that United have lodged an unspecified bid for Mane this afternoon.

Arsenal: Alexis Sanchez Sends Two Aid Trucks To Hometown Of Tocopilla After Floods Devastate Northern Chile (Photos)

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Arsenal's Alexis Sanchez has paid for two lorries laden with aid supplies to be sent to his hometown of Tocopilla after torrential storms caused devastating floods right across northern Chile last week.

Sanchez has a strong bond with his birthplace and immediately sent his prayers and best wishes back home when the floods first hit Tocopilla a week or so back, writing on Instagram:

https://instagram.

Official: Leicester City Complete £4m Signing Of Gokhan Inler From Napoli

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Quite how the universe has led us to this point is beyond us, but Gokhan Inler is now officially a Leicester City player.

Swiss international midfielder Inler signs on a three-year deal from Napoli as a near-enough direct replacement for the now dearly departed Esteban Cambiasso.

Complications over the player's split-ownership delayedthe transfer for a week or three, but the Foxes have finalised the move this very afternoon.

Richard Keys Takes Us On Suitably Alan Partridge-Esque Guided Tour Of His Doha Home (Video)

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In which beINSports presenter and all-round chauvinist icon Richard Keys takes us on a VIP guided tour of his bolthole out in Doha in the style of MTV Cribs.

It's not quite as full-on Alan Partridge-esque as you usually get with the Keysmaster, but there are still some glorious moments of acute andridiculousself-awareness to feast upon, like his wonderful step-by-stepbreakdown of the contents of his wardrobe.

Slick Move: Leyton Orient Combine To Score Classy One-Touch Team Goal Against Stevenage (Video)

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Leyton Orient racked up a comfortable 3-0 win over Stevenage on Tuesday evening to secure themselves the top berth in the League Two table come the end of play.

Sandwiched in between Jay Simpson's opener and Ollie Palmer's 90th minute third camea sublime team goal that culminated in forwardBlair Turgott tucking awayhis first goal for Orient since his arrival in the summer.

Awkward: Irish Aston Villa Fan Receives Special Video Message From Leandro Bacuna, Clearly Has No Idea Who He Is

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As a reward for making it through to the last rounds ofthe Rose of Tralee lovely girls contest, self-confessed Aston Villa fanRoisin Ni Mathunawas awarded with a special prize.

Not only was the actual FA Cup wheeled on stage but Roisin, who was born in Birmingham, was also treated to a special personalised video message from one of her Villa heroes the inimitable Leandro Bacuna.

Reports: Pedro Set To Join Chelsea In £21.5m Deal After Giving Manchester United The Runaround All Summer

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Nothing official as yet, but it's being reported by a variety of sources (MARCA, ESPN, Sky Sports and the Mail to name just four) that Pedro is on the verge of giving Manchester United the old flip-flop in order to join Chelsea in a £21.5million move.

United have been chasing Pedroall summer long but it would appear that Chelsea have gazumped their rivals and scooched right on over into the driving seat, with reports suggesting that talks with the Barcelona wingerare at an "advanced stage" and that he is due to undergo at medical with the Blues this very afternoon.

Transfer Balls: Bournemouth Reclaim Defoe, Chelsea Want Pedro To Ignore Man Utd, Southampton Seek Celtic’s Van Dijk

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

27 Jan 2001: Jermaine Defoe of Bournemouth on the ball during the Nationwide League Division Two match against Millwall at the New Den in London. Bournemouth won 1-0. Mandatory Credit: Chris Lobina /Allsport

Bournemouth RecallJermain Defoe

Only two games into the season and media minds with opinions-to-deadline are saying Sunderland are as good as relegated.

On This Day In 1995: ‘You’ll Win Nothing With Kids’ – Alan Hansen Achieves Punditry Immortality

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and wonderful it is indeed to remember the finest hour of Alan Hansen: the expert pundit.

Analysing Manchester United's 3-1 opening day defeat at the hands of Aston Villa, Hansen was critical of the team's inexperience and famously observed: "You'll never win anything with kids.

Carlisle Fans Left Miserable After 779-Mile Midweek Plymouth Trek Results In 4-1 Thrashing

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The hearty gaggle of 169 travelling Carlisle United fans were left well and truly gutted on Tuesday night after making the country-long trek to watch their side in action against League Two opponents Plymouth Argyle.

The away support were rewarded for their strenuous 779-mile midweek round trip by witnessing their side take a 4-1 thrashing at Home Park Carlisle's sole consolation goal coming in the 90th minute.

Ouch: Sunderland Backed As Odds-On Relegation Favourites By Their Very Own Shirt Sponsors

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Already rock bottom of the Premier League after a fairly risiblestart to the season, Sunderland are already being touted by many as relegation fodder this season.

Sadly, this would appear to extend to their principle sponsors, online betting company Dafabet, who are firmly backing the club to be jettisoned from the top flight come May.

New York City FC Star Andrea Pirlo Has Sandwich Created In His Honour

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You know you've made it in New York when they name a sandwich after you, and that's the very honour that one Manhattan deli has bestowed on New York City superstar signing Andrea Pirlo.

Speciality sandwich shop No.7 Sub, in conjunction with Howler magazine, have created 'the Pirlo' which, unsurprisingly, is an extravaganza of Italian foodstuffs.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 3-1 Club Brugge (Photos & Highlights)

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Two superb goals from Memphis Depay helped Manchester United to a 3-1 first leg win in their Champions League qualifier with Club Brugge.

The Red Devils were expected to cruise through to the Goup Stages of the competition after drawing Brugge in the qualifiers. However after just eight minutes, the Red Devils were behind courtesy of a Michael Carrick own-goal after a free-kick into the United box.

Watch: Memphis Depay Scores Twice For Manchester United Against Club Brugge

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MANCHESTER, ENGLAND AUGUST 18: during the UEFA Champions League Qualifying Round Play Off First Leg match between Manchester United and Club Brugge at Old Trafford on August 18, 2015 in Manchester, England. (Photo by Alex Livesey/Getty Images)

Is Manchester United's Memphis Depay any good?

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Chase Isco And Cavani, Zlatan To Chelsea, Southampton Want Koulibaly, Sunderland Fancy Liverpool’s Borini

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Zlatan Sells PSG

"Manchester United and Arsenal in for Zlatan Ibrahimovic?" asks the Guardian. To which the answer is:wedon't know. And reading on in the Guardian, we find out that they don't know, either.

Transfer Balls: Tottenham Fail With £15m Bid For West Brom’s Berahino

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Tottenham have failedto impress West Bromwich Albion with a £15m bid for Saido Berahino, says the BBC. The Independent, however, says the rejected offer was £18m.

The England Under-21 striker, 22,scored 20 goals last season (14 in the league). He's started in attack for both West Brom's Premier League matches this season.

Bournemouth: Eddie Howe On Being Robbed In Liverpool

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Bournemouth were robbed by bad refereering at Anfield. Liverpool's 1-0 victory was down down to a Christian Benteke goal that should have been ruled out for offside and referee Craig Pawson disallowing what looked like a perfectly good header by The Cherries' Tommy Elphick.

Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe has been mulling over the injustice.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Brentford Are Selling Tickets For Southampton’s Europa League Game Against FC Midtjylland

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In yet more 'modern football is rubbish' news, fans looking to get their hands on tickets for Southampton's upcoming Europa League qualifier against FCMidtjylland will be able to do so from a really rather depressing source.

Southamptonare due to play the Danishside at St Mary's on Thursday evening and tickets are available through the Saints, their opponents and, of course, through theBrentford FC website and ticket office.

Football Songs: David Bowie Examines Jose Mourinho’s Ever Diminishing Mental State (Video)

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While Jose Mourinho continues to crack up under the weight of his ten-tonnemessiah complex, it's only right that the Chelsea bossshould be lampooned as he goes under.

The handiwork of arch football songsmith Joe Devine (@JM_Devine), here we see David Bowie classic 'Space Oddity' redeployedas a haunting meditation on Mourinho's maddening and alienating paranoia.

Bastian Schweinsteiger Reveals The Banter In Manchester United’s Dressing Room Is Next Level

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Having already had his water bottle half-inched by a mischievous fan during his Premier League debut, Bastian Schweinsteiger is quickly acclimatising to English football's world-renowned and respected brand of banter since signing for Manchester United.

Nattering away to German newspaper Bild, Schweinsteiger has been relaying tall tales of the hi-larious hi-jinks he's being subjected to by his new colleagues at Old Trafford revealing in the process that things are even nuttierthan we thought at United these days.

Roberto Soldado Tries To Hoof Football Into Crowd During Villarreal Unveiling And Misses…Twice (Video)

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Poor old Bobby Soldado failed to instil muchconfidence in the Villarreal fans yesterday when he tried to hoof a football into the crowdduring his official unveiling atEl Madrigaland proceeded to miss the terraces entirely.

Twice.

Roberto Soldado trying and failing to kick the ball into the crowd during his Villarreal unveiling yesterday.

On This Day In 1989: Manchester United Is Sold For Just £20m – Today The Club is Worth $1bn!

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It was the biggest takeover deal in the history of British football, but the figure for which Manchester United was sold just 26 years ago wouldn't even buy a first-team regular for the side in today's world of doolally megabucks.

The club had been owned by Manchester meat merchants the Edwards family for 25 years,but the club needed more money than the pie-mongers could fill it with, and that's where Isle of Man-based property tycoon and former Coventry City apprentice Michael Knighton (pictured above) came in.

Take A Moment To Appreciate James Milner’s Sumptuous Freekick Against Bournemouth All Over Again (Video)

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Written off by manyas asimpleagricultural midfield chugger, James Milner proved last night that he's more than thatwith a sumptuous pre-worked set-piece against Bournemouth.

With Liverpool winning themselves a free-kick on the edge of the Bournemouth box in what's known colloquially as Milner Range™, the man himself stepped up and unleashed a trademark beauty.

Rubbing It In: Diego Maradona Gives Signed Argentina Shirt To 1986 World Cup ‘Hand Of God’ Referee

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Diego Maradonapopped in to visit an old friend after finding himself in Tunisia over the weekend an old accomplice whohad a major influence on the wee fella's career despite barely anybody knowing his name.

We're talking aboutAli Bennaceur, the referee in charge of the 1986 World Cup quarter-final between Argentina and England.

Mario Balotelli Launches New Line Of Crazy Junior Football Boots (Complete With Mohawk)

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Admittedly, we're highly suspicious that we're having our leg pulled here but it would seem that Mario Balotelli is using his vast swathes of down-time at Liverpool to put his name to a new line of junior football boots.

Puma have rolled outthe EvoPOWER MB 9, which only come in kiddie sizes and feature a stunning(ly tacky) homage to Balotelli's trademark mohawk hairstyle.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Will Get Everton’s Stones For £35m But Man Utd And Man City Will Up The Bidding

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

When you read the Sun's news that"Stones haunts John Terry" you feel sorry for the ghost. Of course, this is about Everton's John Stones, who is on his way to Chelsea in a "£35million coup".

It's not a coup, is it.

Spurned Chelsea Skipper John Terry Cheers Himself Up By Spending £1.5m On Classic Ferrari (Photo)

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At a low ebb after being hauled off at half-time duringChelsea's completely fake 3-0 defeat against Manchester City at the weekend, John Terry decided to cheer himself up by indulging in a little retail therapy.

Indeed, the Blues skipper went out and dropped £1.5million on a rare blue Ferrari 275.

The Best Bits: Liverpool 1-0 Bournemouth (Photos & Highlights)

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Liverpool made it two wins out of two on Monday night, courtesy of a rather controversial 1-0 win against Premier League new-boys Bournemouth.

The Cherries started brightly and almost took the lead when Tommy Elphick headed home Matt Ritchie's corner. However, referee Craig Pawsondidn't let the goal in stand, instead very harshly penalising Elphick for fouling defender Dejan Lovren.

Watch Liverpool’s Offside Goal Rob Bournemouth: Benteke Profits From Referee Blunder

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Chrisitan Benteke is delighted to have scoredfor Liverpool on his Anfield debut, tapping in from three-yards.Jordan Henderson's cross was agood one, butPhilippe Coutinho was in an offside position in front of Benteke and appeared to shift towards the ball. He was clearly offside. But it wasn't given.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Shunt Terry Aside For Stones, Ibrahimovic To Arsenal (Or Anyone Rich), Newcastle United and Everton Want Vestergaard

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

COBHAM, ENGLAND AUGUST 14: Jose Mourinho looks on during a press conference at Chelsea Training Ground on August 14, 2015 in Cobham, England. (Photo by Jordan Mansfield/Getty Images)

Stones Rolls On

Everton have stated that John Stones is not for sale.

Classic Moments: Loopy Commentator Breaks Out Into Song After Thierry Henry Goal, 2004 (Video)

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With Thierry Henry turning 38 today, we thought we'd bring you a classic moment to celebrate the Arsenal idol's safe passage into frumpy middle-age.

The month was April, the year was 2004. Henry was busy helping himself to an imperious hat-trick in a4-2 victory over Liverpool for the Gunners.

Blackpool FC Delete Commercial Twitter Account After Using It To Call Fans ‘A***hole W**kers’

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Blackpool FC have taken another huge stride into completeludicracy after using one of their official Twitter accounts to calltheir fans, and we quote, "a***hole w**kers".

We'll leave you to fill in the blanks.

It all began when a Tangerines fan contacted @CommercialBFC and offered to donate £20 to charity if the notoriously threadbare Bloomfield Road pitch was in a playable condition by the first home game of the season against Rochdale.

On This Day In 1996: The Cult Of Beckham Begins With Wonder Goal From The Halfway Line

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This was where it all began. Selhurst Park, in the sunshine, the opening day of the 1996/97 season. Manchester United against Wimbledon.

In the dying minutes of the game, with the Reds leading 2-0, Brian McClair played a simple pass just inside his own half to a heavily-Brylcreemed 21-year-old urchin who had made just 42 appearances during his four years at the club.

Sergio Ramos Signs ‘Massive’ New Real Madrid Contract, Manchester United Played Like Suckers

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Surprise surprise. After a summer spent fluttering his eyelashes at Manchester United across the smoky honky-tonk, Sergio Ramos has gone and signed a new long-term contract with Real Madrid.

A month or so after United first caught wind of Ramos' apparent unhappiness at Real and promptly opened the bidding at £28.

Orlando City Goalkeeper Tally Hall Spotted With Minor Detail Missing From His Kit (Photo)

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Orlando City slumped to a 4-0 loss at the hands of Seattle Sounders over in MLS on Sunday evening and it's no surprise given that their goalkeeper had no earthly idea which team he was supposed to be playing for!

As spotted by eagle-eyed fans, Orlando stopper Tally Hall appeared to be playing in some kind of anonymous prototype kit.

Chelsea Post Bizarrely One-Sided Match Report After Comprehensive 3-0 Defeat By Man City

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No-one expects football clubs to be totally impartial on their own websites, but Chelsea's post-match write-up of their shock 3-0 defeat to Manchester City was bizarrely one-sided.

The Blues did rally after the break on Sunday afternoon but for most of the game the Citizens were by far the better side, not something you'd take from the report.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United Get Gaitan, Otamendi To Manchester City, Chelsea Chase Telles, Arsenal £35m For Carvani

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

David De Gea Can Only Win

Should David De Gea be forced to see out the final year of his currentManchester United contract,Real Madrid will sign him on a free transfer and make up any shortfall in his wageswith a massive£12m signing on fee, says the Mirror.

The Best Bits: Manchester City 3-0 Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester City produced an outstanding all-round display to deservedly beat champions Chelsea 3-0 at the Etihad.

View image | gettyimages.com

The Citizens started superbly, with Sergio Aguero failing to make the most of a one-on-one situation with Asmir Begovic, almost straight from the kick-off.

The Best Bits: Crystal Palace 1-2 Arsenal (Photos & Highlights)

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Arsenal bounced back from their shock opening day defeat to West Ham by battling to a much-needed three points at Selhurst Park.

View image | gettyimages.com

The Gunners, with Santi Cazorla back in tandem with Francis Coquelin in the heart of midfield, started brightly, with Mesut Ozil pulling the strings in midfield.

Official: Chelsea Complete €25m Deal For Flying Left-Back Abdul Rahman Baba

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The deal is done. Chelsea have signed themselves a new left-back in the shape of Abdul Rahman Baba just hours after going down 3-0 against Manchester City at the Etihad.

The Blues have handed Bundesliga side Augsburga reported€25million for the privilege, with the 21-year-old Ghanaian international signing a long-termcontract at Stamford Bridge.

Crystal Palace: Yannick Bolasie On The Power Of Fitness

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Crystal Palace's talented wingerYannick Bolasie identifies the person who has most helped his career:"My own personal manager and physio Rayan Wilson."

Bolasie, who joined Palace from Bristol City, says of Bristol-based Wilson:

I felt I needed an edge.I speak to Rayan every day.

Liveprool: Danny Ings On His Debt To Bournemouth And Eddie Howe

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Liverpool striker Danny Ingshas bene talking with the Sunday Times.

On Learning From Robbie Fowler

He gave me a lot of advice.If I can follow in any of his footsteps I'll be more than happy. He just said enjoy it. Go away, work hard, keep your head down.

Eva Carneiro Exposed Chelsea’s ‘Cheating’

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Why was Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho so enragedwhen Dr Eva Carneiro dashed on to the field of play and treated a downedEvan Hazard?

Dominic Lawson has an idea, writing in the Sunday Times he sayswhat really annoyedtheChelsea boss was not Dr Eva's gender(and you read a kiss 'n' tell on her sex life here),her decision to place herethicsand professionalism ahead of team tactics or her adherence to the game's rules(the ref had waved her on) it wasthat shehad exposedChelsea'splot to cheat:

It looked as if the player concerned was badly hurt but he wasn't — and Mourinho understood this.

Samuel Eto’o Scores Couple Of Peachy Goals On Antalyaspor Debut (Video)

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Samuel Eto'o made his competitive debut for Turkish sideAntalyaspor against Basaksehir in the Super Lig last night, with the veteran striker helping himself to a couple of goals in a 3-2 victory.

It just so happens that the 367th goal of Eto'o's long and winding career was a bit of a stunner.

Jose Mourinho: ‘Chelsea Have A Moral Right’ To Spend And Arsenal Are Failures

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COBHAM, ENGLAND AUGUST 14: Jose Mourinho looks on during a press conference at Chelsea Training Ground on August 14, 2015 in Cobham, England. (Photo by Jordan Mansfield/Getty Images)

Jose Mourinho has been talking ahead of his side's match at Manchester City. He says the Blues will continue to spend, with two more news faces scheduled to arrive before the transfer window shuts.

Transfer Balls: Thomas Muller To Manchester United, Chelsea Fight Man City For Everton’s Stones, Newcastle Chase Thauvin

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

FC Bayern Muenchen head coach Louis van Gaal (L) and Thomas Muller celebrate victory at the end of the UEFA Champions League round of 16 first leg match between Inter Milan v FC Bayern Muenchen on February 23, 2011 in Milan, Italy.

West Ham ‘Keeper Adrian Sent Off For Horror Lunge On Leicester’s Jamie Vardy (Video & Vine)

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Some might say it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow, but the studs up challenge which poleaxed Leicester City's Jamie Vardy on Saturday was definitely worthy of a red card. West Ham 'keeper Adrian was the aggressor, coming after the Brazilian had gone up for a corner in stoppage time.

Ironically, Vardy, who had been fined by the Foxes in the week for allegedly racially abusing a Japanese man in a casino, had provided an assist for none other thanShinji Okazaki earlier in the game.

The Best Bits: Tottenham 2-2 Stoke (Photos & Highlights)

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Tottenham threw away a couple of point at White Hart Lane on Saturday after Stoke came from two goals down to earn themselves a draw.

The hosts started brightly and found themselves a goal ahead on 19 minutes. Eric Dier was the man to break the ice for the Lilywhites, heading home a Christian Eriksen corner.

The Best Bits: Southampton 0-3 Everton (Photos & Highlights)

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Before the game, a "Kenwright & Co #timetogo" banner was flown over St. Mary's by Everton fans frustrated but the club's lack of transfer funds. One of the club's big-money signing, Romelu Lukaku, then accidentally hit a Southampton fan with a wayward shot in the pre-match warm-up, which the Belgian duly apologised for, courtesy of a hug.

Manchester United Want Pedro But Barcelona Forward Doesn’t Want To Play For Van Gaal

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TBILISI, GEORGIA AUGUST 11: Pedro of Barcelona kisses the UEFA Cup trophy as Barcelona celebrate victoy during the UEFA Super Cup between Barcelona and Sevilla FC at Dinamo Arena on August 11, 2015 in Tbilisi, Georgia. (Photo by Chris Brunskill/Getty Images)

Manchester United think Pedro's £21.

Watch: Everton’s Romelu Lukaku Hugs Southampton Fan He Smacked In The Face

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During the warm-up for Everton's match at Southampton, the Toffees'Romelu Lukaku booted a ball which hit a Southampton fan in the face.He went into the stand to apologise.

He's a top bloke:

Romelu Lukaku hit a Southampton fan during the warm up.

Watch: Manchester United’s Matteo Darmian Tricks Aston Villa’s Micah Richards

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Manchester United's Matteo Darmian is a master of the dark arts. During a fesity and skilled showing inUnited's away trip at Aston Villa, the Italian found himself markingMicah Richards at a corner.

He noticed something onVillaskipper'sface, and thoughtfully pointed it out:

Official: Tottenham Tie Up €14m Deal For Lyon Striker (And Birthday Boy) Clinton Njie

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With Roberto Soldado's departure leaving Harry Kane as the only recognised senior striker in their first-team squad, Tottenham have rushed out an signed reinforcements in the shape of Cameroon international Clinton Njie.

Spurs have purloined Njiefrom Lyon, with the 22-year-old signing a five-year deal at White Hart Lane this very morning his birthday, of all days!

Things Get Emotional As Lucas Moura Discovers He’s Back In Brazil Squad For First Time In Over A Year (Video)

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Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I sit...

Along with the likes of Kaka and Hulk, yesterday Lucas Moura found himself included in aBrazil squad for the first time since Dunga's re-appointment in July of last year ahead of the upcoming friendlies against Costa Rica and the US.

Official: Roberto Soldado Joins Villarreal, Apologises To Tottenham Fans On The Way Out

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The dealis done. Roberto Soldado is a Tottenham player no more.

The goal-shy Spanish striker has returned to La Liga by signing a three-year dealwith Villarreal, with the fee reported to be€16million (approx £11million).

Te esperábamos con ilusión.

Mikel San Jose Scores 50-Yard Ripper As Athletic Bilbao Trounce Barcelona In Spanish Super Cup (Video)

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Athletic Bilbao stuck four past Barcelona in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup last night, with Mikel San Jose getting the Basque chaps off to a flyer just 13 minute in.

With Marc-Andre ter Stegen stranded on the edge of his box after heading away a high ball, the clearance fell to San Jose in the centre circle.

Vincent Kompany: ‘I Hope Eden Hazard Gets Diarrhoea’

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*Gurgle*

With Chelsea next up at the Etihad this Sunday afternoon, Manchester City defenderVincent Kompany has freely admitted that he's not particularly relishing the prospect of chasing his Belgian compatriot Eden Hazard around for 90-plus minutes.

However, the City skipperhas dreamt up a plan to nullify Hazard and his nippy threat a plan that involves dangerous runs of an entirely different ilk.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Replace Cech With Jimenez, West Ham Want Man United’s Striker, Chelsea Get Kenedy

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Cech Out!

Arsenal are looking to replacePetr Cech. One shabby performance for Arsenal in the Premier League and Arsene Wenger's seen enough. With Wojciech Szczesny and Emiliano Martinez out on loan,and David Ospina continuing to look like a short-ish accountant, the Daily StarsaysWenger will move forOlympiakos goalkeeper Roberto Jimenez (6ft 4inch).

The Best Bits: Aston Villa 0-1 Man Utd (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United made it two wins out of two in the new Premier League season after deservedly winning their Friday night clash with Aston Villa.

Belgian starlet Adnan Januzaj returned to the first 11 and marked his appearance with the only goal of the game just before the half-hour mark.

View image | gettyimages.

Heatbroken Manchester United Fan Gets Free Tip To Watch Robin van Persie’s Fenerbahce Debut

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Louis Diamond, 5, sobbedwhen Robin van Persie joined Fenerbahce from Manchester United. His parentsfilmed him crying and slapped the video on YouTube.

@Persie_Official my son is gutted you're leaving #mufc #VanPersie #ManUtd pic.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Replace Cech With Jimenez, West Ham Want Man United’s Striker, Chelsea Nab Kenedy

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Cech Out!

Arsenal are looking to replacePetr Cech. One shabby performance for Arsenal in the Premier League and Arsene Wenger's seen enough. With Wojciech Szczesny and Emiliano Martinez out on loan,and David Ospina continuing to look like a short-ish accountant, the Daily StarsaysWenger will move forOlympiakos goalkeeper Roberto Jimenez (6ft 4inch).

Arsenal: Arsene Wenger Takes His Chance To Rub Chelsea’s Nose In The Carneiro-Mourinho Mess

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We were just sat there thinking that all the row over Chelsea clubdoctor Eva Carneiro needed was the views ofArsenal manager Arsene Wenger and then bingo!

Jose Mourinho has behaved badly, comparing Dr Carneiro toa secretary andbanishing her from the bench for the match away to Manchester City on Sunday.

Vincent Kompany: ‘I Hope Eden Hazard Gets Diarrhoea’

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*Gurgle*

With Chelsea next up at the Etihad this Sunday afternoon, Manchester City defenderVincent Kompany has freely admitted that he's not particularly relishing the prospect of chasing his Belgian compatriot Eden Hazard around for 90-plus minutes.

However, the City skipperhas dreamt up a plan to nullify Hazard and his nippy threat a plan that involves dangerous runs of an entirely different ilk.

Aston Villa: Tim Sherwood Is Excited About His Brave ‘New Era’ At Villa Park

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Aston Villa managerTim Sherwoodhas been talking of a"new era" at the club. He's typically bullish about the Premier League season ahead.

Ten New Players In

It's good that the club have backed me.Change is what was needed. We've sold a lot of players, so we needed to replenish.

On This Day In 2010: Tangerine Dreams As Blackpool Thump Wigan 4-0 On Premier League Debut

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Blackpool's first ever match in the Premier League saw them stick four unanswered goals past Lancastrian rivals Wigan to seal the club's first win in the top flight for over 40 years and set the Tangerines fans offdreaming about the new-found possibilities that lay ahead.

The game was switched from Bloomfield Road to Wigan's DWStadiumbecause of unfinished renovationwork at Blackpool's ground, though the visitors still turned up and controlled the game from the off.

Shit Lookalikes: Young David De Gea & Macauley Culkin

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Long before the Grinchbeards,VIP tours of the Neverland sleeping chambers and substance abuse problems set in, both David De Gea and Macauley Culkin were a right little pair of fresh-faced, blonde cherubs...

Fun Fact: Macauley Culkin now fritters away his time (and trust fund) performing in a pizza-themed Velvet Underground covers band.

Official: Aston Villa Snap Up Barcelona Young’n Adama Traore In £7m Deal

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It's official. Aston Villa have signed Adama Traore from Barcelona on a five-year deal...

TRANSFER NEWS: Huge welcome to our new signing Adama Traore, who joins us from @FCBarcelona. #AVFC #WelcomeAdama pic.twitter.com/CSmKLH607a

— Aston Villa FC (@AVFCOfficial) August 14, 2015

£7million up front (rising to £12million) for a kiddo who has spent 99.

Rot-Weiss Erfurt’s Carsten Kammlott Scores Scorpion Kick Wonder-Goal vs Dynamo Dresden (Video)

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On Thursday evening German third division playerCarsten Kammlott produced a wonder-strike which surely earns theRot-Weiss Erfurt attacker a place at football's Golazo Round Table.

With hosts Dynamno Dresden a goal up, and the game well into the second-half, Kammlott met a cross into the box with a perfectly-timed back-flick, with the ball duly ending up in the back of the Dresden net.

Bankrupt Parma Forced To Sell Off Trophies To Raise Cash, Mario Melchiot Provides The Punchline

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With the club now short of having two Euros to rub together, Parma have begun selling off the contents of their trophy cabinet in adesperateattempt to raise funds.

Indeed, Parma have put eight trophies up for sale including their1995 and 1999 UEFA Cups as they struggle to clear their spiralling€200million debt.

‘They Call Us The Royals’ – Reading FC Chairwoman Writes New Club Song That Includes A Rap Verse

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Reading FC's co-chairwoman Khunying Sasima Svrikorn has done the Championship side the great service of writing them a brand new club anthem.

Entitled 'We Are The Royals', the song encompasses a rap verse, a chant and an acapella section and will be played over the stadium loudspeakers to rouse the crowd before the club's first home game of the season against Leeds United this coming Sunday.

Manchester United Turmoil: Van Gaal Briefs The Media Against De Gea

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Spanish goalkeeper David Ge Deahas, says the Sun, toldLouis van Gaal he does not want to play for Manchester United. The hammer-headed Van Gaal is quoted:

"We've talked with him, he was fully agreed with our decision.We have a goalkeeping coach, Frans Hoek. He had a meeting with David De Gea and he asks him ‘Do you want to play?

Jamie Vardy Given “Substantial Fine” By Leicester City After Racial Slur Video Shame

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Leicester City are no strangers to racism controversy, are they? Only a couple of months ago the club sacked three of their players, included the then manager's son James Pearson, after they were involved in making aracist sex tape during a club tour of Thailand.

Well, now striker Jamie Vardy has been fined by the Foxes following the release of a video by the Sun on Sunday which allegedly showed the 28-year racially abusing a Japanese man in a casino in July.

Transfer Balls: Manchester City Gazump Man United For Nicolas Otamendi And Chelsea For Everton’s John Stones, Tottenham In For Berahino

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Manchester United In ForNicolas Otamendi

Man United are nearing the capture of Valencia's 27-year-old centre-back Nicolas Otamendim, writes the Independent. But the Mirrorsays Manchester City will gazump their city neighbours in the hunt forthe Argentine whojoined Valencia last summer from Porto.

Sky Sports Troll Sheffield United By Plonking Giant Carlos Tevez Billboard Outside Bramall Lane (Photo)

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Sky Sports have, entirely deliberately, delivered a really rather elegant slap to the face of Sheffield United fans by plonking a giant Carlos Tevez outside Bramall Lane.

Tevez is pictured in his West Ham kit, i.e, the one he wore while helping to illegitimately relegate the Blades from the Premier League in 2007.

Bad Boys FC: Team Of Young Rascals Recreate Famous Footballing Fouls (Photos)

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Top stuff here from New York-based creative pairingDarren Urquhart and Thomas Smith (aka Daz And Tom), who buddied up with photographer George Logan to produce 'Bad Boys FC' a series of photos which sees a gaggle of impish young footballers recreate some of the senior game's most roguish moments.

On This Day In 2004: Michael Owen Leaves Boyhood Club Liverpool To Become A Galactico

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There's always a special place in the heart of most football fans for the local(ish) lad done good, and that's exactly the stead in which Chester-born Michael Owen was held at Liverpool during theearly knockings of his senior career.

Having been on the Reds' books since the age of 11, Owen enjoyed the dual adoration of being both a goal-ladenteenage sensation and, as far as the Liverpool fans were concerned, 'one of their own'.

Tottenham: Erik Lamela Accidentally Confirms Roberto Soldado’s Departure With Hastily Deleted Tweet

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Word on the Tottenham wire this morning is that shot-shy striker Roberto Soldado has flown out of Gatwick on his way to sign for Villarreal.

The whispers of Soldado's imminent departure were further stoked when Erik Lamela went and Tweeted afarewell message to hissoon-to-be-former Spurs teammate before hastily deleting the message entirely.

Shit Football Kits: Spanish Side CD Guijuelo Up The Ante With New Ham-Themed Strip (Photo)

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When it comes to dreadful, dreadful football kits, the Spanish regional lower leagues have got itdown to a fine art.

In the past we've been treated to broccoli-themed kits, and both beer and octopus-flavoured kits.

Why even just yesterday we were introduced toAD Caravaca de la Cruz's new home strip a retina-stinger of a kit that crammed as much regional symbolism into one outfit as is humanly possible.

Shocking: Arsenal Players Unveil New Puma 2015/16 ‘Cup Kit’ Amid An Electrical Storm (Photos)

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Somebody really needs to fixthe under-soil heating at The Emirates

With their new home and away strips previously unveiled amid a hail of bombast, Arsenal have done us all a favour and quietly rolled out their 2015/16 third kit this morning at a less tinnitus-inducing decibel level.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United Offer Tottenham Hernandez For Kane, De Bruyne Earns £230,000 A Week At Man City, Sunderland Go For Dembele

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Man Utd Can't Carry On Kane Pursuit

Manchester United have no chance of signing Harry Kane from Tottenham. No chance at all.Tottenham are adamant they will not sell the 22-year-old striker, says the Guardian.

Nir Bitton Nets Long-Range Cracker, Kallum Higginbotham Perfects Panenka As Kilmarnock Draw 2-2 With Celtic (Video & Vine)

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Following on from Celtic assistant manager John Collins' remarks last week that other Scottish teams aren't "clever enough players or quick enough thinkers to punish us", lowly Kilmarnock proved to be both clever and quick enough to secure a 2-2 draw with the Hoops at Rugby Park on Wednesday night.

Official: Chelsea Forgotten Man Oriel Romeu Signs For Southampton In £5m Deal

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To be perfectly honest, we'd forgotten Oriol Romeu was still a Chelsea player at all. However, the 23-year-old Spaniard's ties with the west London club were finally cut for good today when he signed a three-year deal with Ronald Koeman's upwardly mobile Southampton.

Yet another gifted Barcelona product, the midfielder joined Chelsea in 2011 and and went on to make 22 league appearances for the Blues.

Bayern Munich Legend Stefan Effenburg Pillories Xherdan Shaqiri For Joining Stoke Over Schalke

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Bayern Munich legend Stefan Effenberg has had a right old go at Xherdan Shaqiri for having the cheek, the downright temerity to sign forStoke City.

Shaqiri finally completed his £12million move to Stoke yesterday afternoon, joining from Inter Milan on a five-year deal.

Prior to his one-season stop-over in Serie A, the Swiss winger spent two-and-a-half largely underwhelmingseasons at Bayern, where he failed to hold down a regular first-team spot for any significant period of time.

Labour Candidate Jeremy Corbyn Once Backed Parliamentary Motion To Recognise Arsenal As ‘The Greatest Football Team In The World’

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Arsenal unveil their new left winger?

It's been unearthed today that Labour leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn, the bearded gentlemen you see before you, once exercised his democratic right to backan official Parliamentary motion to have Arsenal recognised as "the greatest football team in the world".

Shit Football Kits: Spanish Side AD Caravaca’s New Strip Is A Real Horror Show! (Photos)

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Steel yourselves, for what you are about to see cannot be unseen.

Behold, Spanish lower league side AD Caravaca de la Cruz's new home kit for 2015/16...

As explained by manufacturers Daen, the new Caravaca strip was specifically designed to represent the people of the town and surrounding region including the holy cross, the famous 'wine horses' and the traditional red neckerchiefs worn on public holidays in the region.

Random Great Goals: David Beckham Undoes Sevilla With Majestic First Touch, 2005 (Video)

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It's been a while since we featured a Random Great Goal here on Pies and today seems like as good a day as any other to reboot the series.

We're kicking back into life with a simple yet devastating beauty from David Beckham from back in his Real Madrid days, specifically a game against Sevilla inMay of 2006 the final day of the La Liga season.

On This Day In 1976: Fulham Sign George Best And Rodney Marsh To Play Alongside Bobby Moore! Bloody Hell!

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Life has its ups and downs if you're a Fulham fan, and in the current trough of despair it may bring some comfort to fans of the west London club to be reminded of the day when two genuine superstars joined a third at Craven Cottage to play in the old Second Division.

The then-club captain Alan Mullery had already persuaded the legendary Bobby Moore to leave West Ham and turn out for the Cottagers, while Rodney Marsh hadalso returned for a second spell at the club.

Gerard Piqué Swears Like A Mancunian: ‘Six Refs! Six Refs And You Still Can’t See It? For F***’* Sake, Mate!’

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So Gerard Piqué did learn something during his spell at Manchester United. At last night's Super Cup match between Pique's Barcelona and Sevilla (highlights here), the defendertold the officials exactly what he thought of one spicy tussle in impressive English:

Six Refs. Six Refs And You Still Can't See It?

Capital One Cup: Oxford United’s Kemar Roofe Scores Spectacular 40-Yard Lob To Seal Shock Win Over Brentford (Video)

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Picture: David Fleming

'Twas a night chock-full of minor, largely inconsequential shocks in the first round of the Capital One Cup yesterday evening, with several Championship sides toppling out at the first hurdle at the hands of lower league opposition.

Brentford were one of those teams, with the Bees slumping toa rather embarrassing 4-0 defeat against Oxford United of League Two.

Joey Barton Produces Youtube Hostage Video To Explain Why His West Ham Move Collapsed

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Despite undergoing a medical earlier in the week, it looks like Joey Barton will not be joining West Ham any time soon which will no doubt come as blessed relief for Hammers co-owner David Gold.

In fact, it looks likeBarton is being held hostage in a Travelodge as a result of his transfer collapsing.

Gerard Piqué Swears Like A Mancunian: ‘Six Refs! Six Refs And You Still Can’t See It? For F*** Sake, Mate’

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Gerard Piqué did learn something during his spell at Manchester United. At last night's Super Cup match between Pique's Barcelona and Sevilla (highlights here), the player told the officialswhat he thought of one spicy tussle in impressive English:

Six Refs. Six Refs And You Still Can't See It?

Retro Football: Panini Stickers Of All 20 Premier League Managers In Their Playing Days

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Before making it as Premier League managers, the bosses of all 20 top-flight clubsdabbled in actually playing the game a wee bit too.

Thanks to our old chums over at Old School Panini, we can document each Premier League manager's halcyon days (and terrible old haircuts) via the tried and trusted medium of Panini stickers.

ADO Den Haag ‘Keeper Scores 90th-Minute Equaliser Against PSV With Terrific Backheel Volley (Video)

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While ADO Den Haag emerged from their opening Eredivisie game with a draw against PSV last night, it will have doubtlessly felt like a victory thanks to the madcap manner in which the tie ended.

Trailing 2-1 and with just injury time left to wick away, ADO goalkeeper Martin Hansen (who was once on the books at Liverpool) went trotting up for a corner.

Former Man City Striker Paulo Wanchope Involved In Full-On Touchline Scrap With Security Guards (Video)

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He of that classic mazy, dribbly goal at Old Trafford for Derby County, the gangly Paulo Wanchope, got himself into a spot of bother recently during Costa Rica's U23 Olympic qualifier against Panama.

The 39-year-old, who is the current boss of the senior Costa Rican national side, wanted to go onto the pitch to complain to the fourth officalabout a decision.

Super Cup Final – The Best Bits: Barcelona 5-4 Sevilla (Photos & Highlights)

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Champions League winners Barcelona played out a cracking clash with Europa League holders Sevilla in Tbilisi on Tuesday night. A game full of fine free-kicks and some appalling defending would serve up a plethora of goals and produce a perfectly fitting end.

Midfielder Ever Banega, who missed a shoot-out spot-kick in the Copa America final this summer, gave Sevilla an early lead when he netted on three minutes, courtesy of an exquisite free-kick.

Transfer Balls: Man City Offer £47m For Chelsea Reject De Bruyne, De Gea Stays At Man United, Spurs Hot For West Brom’s Berahino

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Kevin De Bruyne of Chelsea FC running to the ball during the international friendly match between Chelsea FC and the Singha Thailand All-Star XI Rajamangala Stadium on July 17, 2013 in Bangkok, Thailand.

Manchester United: Barcelona Legend Tells Pedro Van Gaal Is Scum Who Will Destroy Him And Old Trafford

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27 Apr 1994: Hristo Stoichkov (left) of Barcelona is brought down during the European Cup semi-final against FC Porto at the Camp Nou Stadium in Barcelona, Spain. Barcelona won the match 3-0. Mandatory Credit: Shaun Botterill/Allsport

Hristo Stoichkov is no fan of Manchester United managerLouis van Gaal.

Official: Stoke City Complete Xherdan Shaqiri Transfer For Club Record £12m Fee

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He was spotted hanging around the Britannia like a dead Jedi at the weekend, but Xherdan Shaqiri is now a officially Stoke City player although he doesn't look overlyconvinced about the whole thing, does he?

Anyway, Stoke have confirmed the Swiss winger's arrival from Inter Milan for a club record fee of £12million this very afternoon.

Chelsea Doctor Eva Carneiro ‘Facing Demotion’ For Heinous Crime Of Running Onto The Pitch To Treat Injured Chelsea Player

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Chelsea's club doctor Eva Carneiro is reportedly facing a demotion after angering Jose Mourinho by running onto the pitch to treat an injured player during the final few minutes of the Blues' opening Premier League fixture against Swansea City.

With the scores level at 2-2, Carneiro ran onto the pitch to treat Eden Hazard during the final few minutes.

Fenerbahce Midfielder Mehmet Topal Survives Being Shot At In His Car Thanks To Bulletproof Glass

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Fenerbahce midfielder Mehmet Topal has escaped unharmed despite having his car shot at while driving out of the training groundcarpark in Instanbul this afternoon.

Topal was just about to return home after the morning training session at the Can Bartu ground when his car was shot at several times from close range.

West Ham: Reece Oxford On Supporting Arsenal, Rejection By Tottenham And Cheering Mesut Ozil

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Reece Oxford of England during the U17 Euro Elite Qualifying Round match between England and Norway at the Pirelli Stadium on March 21, 2015 in Burton upon Trent, England. (Photo by Clint Hughes/Getty Images)

One Premier League match for West Ham United and Reece Oxford is all over the news.

Japanese Club V-Varen Nagasaki Release Special Kits To Commemorate 70th Anniversary Of Atomic Bomb (Photos)

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As Japanese sides tend to do over the summer, V-Varen Nagasaki have released a special kit this one commemorating the 70th anniversary of the atomic bombing of the city during the Second World War.

Nagasaki was devastated and tens of thousands of people were killed when the atom bomb was dropped on 9th August 1945 (three days after Hiroshima was hit), with memorials being held throughout Japan this week as a nation "prays for peace" in unison.

On This Day In 2006: David Beckham Dropped From The England Squad Just Six Caps Short Of His Century

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David Beckham had a dream. He wanted to get 100 England caps. However, he was stuck on 94 and looking in serious danger of falling short of his vaunted tally after new England manager Steve McClaren, just 11 days into the job, left Beckham's name off the team sheet for a friendly against Greece.

"I told David I was looking to change things, looking to go in a different direction, and he wasn't included with that," said McClaren at the time.

If You’ve Always Wanted To Play As Cristiano Ronaldo In GTA V, This One Is For You… (Video)

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"OOOOSH!"

Countless are the hours that Pies have spent fruitlessly wishing there was an option to play as Cristiano Ronaldo while cavorting merrily around San Andreas in GTA V.

Now, thanks to an intrepid Youtuber by the name ofTheFifa11videos, that daydream is now a reality well, sort of a reality anyway.

Kaboom! Oxford City’s Bradley Bubb Scores Straight From Kick-Off To Salvage 2-2 Draw Against Chelmsford (Video)

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Presenting your non-league goal of the weekend: Here's Oxford City striker Bradley Bubb taking the directest of routes to salvage a 2-2 draw against Chelmsford City in theVanarama National League South on Saturday afternoon...

Bubb's stunner came mere seconds after Oxford had fallen 2-1 behind just 10 minutes into the second half, and it proved to be the final goal of the game as both teams hammered out a draw in their respective season opener.

Bastian Schweinsteiger Invites His New Manchester United Teammates To Sample Oktoberfest

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"Lads, lads, lads on tour"

Bastian Schweinsteiger has only been at Manchester United fünf minuten and he's already planning the team-building excursions at Old Trafford.

The German midfielder has one eye on talkinghis new United teammates into sampling the leather-clad, booze-soaked, stein-clinking fun of Oktoberfest back home in Bavaria this autumn.

Manchester City: Imperious Yaya Toure Is Back And Talks About The Season Ahead

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Back on May 7th , Yaya Toure's agent Dimitri Seluk said his client was "90 per cent certain" to quit Manchester City. Seluk said the Ivorian Toure, who joined City in 2010, was in a bidding war with three clubs. Seluk added that Manuel Pellegrini was a "weak manager".

Toure never did leave and yesterday he was imperious, scoring twice in Man City's classy 3-0 drubbing of a pretty limp West Brom.

The Best Bits: West Brom 0-3 Man City (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester City kickstarted their 2015/16 campaign with a superb performance away at the Hawthorns, with old boys Yaya Touré and Vincent Kompany getting on the scoresheet.

The visitors, with Raheem Sterling in the line-up, were ahead after just nine minutes, when Jesus Navas fed Toure who saw his shot deflect past Boaz Myhill in the Baggies' goal.

Serie Eh? Alessio Romagnoli Taunts Roma Fans By Wear Lazio Shirt After Leaving For AC Milan

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The latest on Alessio Romagnoli's €25million move to AC Milan is that the move is "99.8% done", with the 20-year-old defenderset to leave Roma after failing to crack the first team during his three years at the Giallorossi (one of which, 2014/15, was spent on loan at Sampdoria).

However, in perhaps what is the most ill-advised parting shot in football history, Romagnoli has waved goodbye to the Roma fans by happily posing in a Lazio shirt in a photo that circulated onsocial media late last night.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea £30 Stones Bid, West Ham £12m For Hernandez, Man United Want Jasper Cillessen

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Chelsea Won't Give Up On Stones

Chelsea will offer Everton£30m forEngland central defender John Stones, 21, says the Daily Mirror. But that won't be enough because The Toffees value the defender at £34m.

Joey Barton On Verge Of Joining West Ham On Freebie Deal After Dropping In For Surprise Medical

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Joey Barton could well be a West Ham player by the end of the week if this afternoon's tittle-tattle is to be believed.

According to those infallible "Sky Sports sources", Barton is currently in the first knockingsof signing forthe Hammers having met with manager Slaven Bilic and undergone a few preliminary fitness tests.

Retro Football: Footage Of Young Dimitri Payet Working Part-Time In A French Clothes Shop, 2005 (Video)

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It's no secret that West Ham new boyDimitri Payet garnered himself something of a brattishreputation in the years before he finally grew up and got his act together.

Several clubs passed on signing the winger duringhis formative years due to his 'bad apple' reputation, before Nantes took the plunge and offered him a two-year contract on amateur terms at the age of 18.

Red Cards And Amateur Referees: French Third Division Kicks Off With An Almighty Bang As Opening Game Ends In Chaos!

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Vive le Championnat National! The French third division came roaring back into life with an incredible opening day tie betweenSR Colmar and FC Chambly that featuredtwo red cards, a 97th-minute penalty equaliser and an amateur referee on the field for the majority of the game.

With just 22 minutes on the clock, league referee Dimitri Kristo was forced off with an injury.

Arachnobanter: Franco Di Santo Tips Spider Down Schalke Teammate Leroy Sane’s Shirt (Video)

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Heralded as one of the New Maradonas at one pointduring a particularly low ebb in football's history, Franco Di Santo is currently plying his trade in the Bundesliga these days, having ditchedWerder Bremento sign for rivals Schalkeover the summer.

Di Santo made his Schalke debut at the weekend, scoring in the 5-0 DFB Pokal drubbing of Duisburg before being taken off after an hour though it was after the final whistle that the Argentinian striker provided the afternoon's real highlight.

On This Day In 1992: Big Ron Smashes Aston Villa’s Transfer Record To Sign Dean Saunders From Liverpool

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Aston Villa manager Ron Atkinson smashed the club's transfer record in 1992 when he signed Liverpool's Dean Saunders for £2.25m. It was all very exciting.

As Saunders said at the time: "In now way do I see this as a step down" a statement that was guaranteed to send exactly the opposite signal.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Carry On Kane Pursuit, Man City Splurge £46m On De Bruyne, Arsenal Bag Benzema

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Man Utd Carry On Kane Pursuit

Manchester United's pursuit of Harry Kane ain't over, according to the Mirror, with the Red Devils making 'discreet enquiries' about the Tottenham hitman.

West Ham Fan Gets Tattoo On His Buttocks To Commemorate Opening Day Win Over Arsenal (Photo)

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Little did Mauro Zarate know that in the act of scoring West Ham's second goal against Arsenal yesterday, he'd be altering the future of one Hammers fan's buttocks forever.

Before the game, the West Ham fan boldly wagered that he'd get the scoreline tattooed about his person if his side managed to see off Arsenal in their opening game of the Premier League season.

MLS: David Villa Tears Felipe Martins’ Shorts Apart As New York Derby Gets Feisty (Video)

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Sunday evening saw New York Red Bulls beat New York City FC in what we'd class as a right old ding-dong of a derby.

It all began before kick-off when rival fans were involved in a punch-up outside a pub near the stadium in New Jersey, showing that our American brethren are just as au fait with hooligan decorum as their European counterparts.

Arsenal: Wenger Wants A School For Strikers Who Can Fight As Benzema Gets The Green Light

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Arsenal will spend the season building a dangerous striker. Speaking before Arsenal's opening match of the season against West Ham United (and you can see how well that went here), Arsène Wengertalked strikers.

You always wanted perfect pitches, I'm involved in that. We develop only midfielders now, because all the education is about passing on the ground, on perfect pitches.

The Best Bits: Arsenal 0-2 West Ham (Photos & Highlights)

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The arrival of Petr Cech at Arsenal was supposed to provide the Gunners with the defensive solidity needed to win a title. However, in Sunday's Premier League opener against West Ham, Arsenal flopped badly with Cech himself at fault for both the Hammers' goals.

The hosts startedwell, with Alex Oxlade Chamberlain looking bright.

Philippe Coutinho Scores Match-Winning Stunner For Liverpool vs Stoke (Video)

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With Liverpool's opening game against Stoke producing little in the way of excitement and with just five minutes of the goalless game left to play, Brazilian schemer Philippe Coutinho produced a bit of Samba magic.

Picking up the ball halfway inside the Pottters' half, the pint-sized playmaker fired home of a long-range rocket with left 'keeper Jack Butland with no chance.

Arsenal Horror: Watch ‘Chelsea Agent’ Peter Cech Gift West Ham 2 Goals

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To let in one soft goal may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose two on your Premier League debut for Arsenal looks like carelessness. But Petr Cech known to Chelsea fans as 'Agent Petr ' has made the differnce for Arsenal alright, letting in two weakgoals against West Ham United.

Goal Number (see it here) one was soft.

Snapshot: Newcastle’s Chancel Mbemba Channels James Bond Ahead of Magpies’ Season Opener…

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Newcastle United' summer-signing Chancel Mbemba was certainly dressing to impress today ahead of his side's Premier League opener against Southampton at St. James' Park.

Rocking up in a sharp tuxedo, the Belgian defender looked ready for anything. Unless, he'd come straight from a dinner-dance the night before, that is.

Arsenal: Watch ‘Chelsea Agent’ Peter Cech Gift West Ham A Goal

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Petr Cech of Arsenal fails to punch clear the ball as Cheikhou Kouyate of West Ham United heads in the opening goal during the Barclays Premier League match between Arsenal and West Ham United at the Emirates Stadium on August 9, 2015 in London, England. (Photo by Julian Finney/Getty Images)

Too soon to refer to Arsenal's Peter Cech as 'Agent Petr', but if he continues to misjudge balls like the one that led to Wet Ham's first goal it won't be long before Chelsea fans are crowing.

West Ham United: Chairman Targets Tottenham, Bilic Is ‘Our Mourinho’, Olympic Legacy

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West Ham United co-owner David Sullivan looks on during the Barclays Premier League match between Tottenham Hotspur and West Ham United at White Hart Lane on February 22, 2015 in London, England. (Photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images)

West Ham United owner David Sullivanhas been talking with the Sunday Times.

Doncaster Rovers Accidentally Score From 50 Yards While Trying To Return The Ball To Bury’s Goalkeeper (Video)

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Stoppage time at the Keepmoat Stadium yesterday was a bit of a lark, with Bury striker Leon Clarke having to beallowed to walk ina95th-minute equaliser to cancel out Harry Forrester's accidental 93rd-minute opening goal.

In attempting to return the ball to Christian Walton after an injury to a Bury player, Forrester smacked his pass high over the goalkeeper's head and into the back of the net to unintentionally score the first goal of the game.

Around The Floodlit Grounds: Photographer Captures The Magic of Night Matches

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Ian Hughes' photographs of floodlights illuminating footballstadia have an ethereal, magical quality. The luminous air fizzes withelectricity and garlands of white-yellow energy. Life is splitbetween theshadowevidencing the glorious light. Like aplanet in the inky black solar system, the football pitch glistens in the darkness.

The Best Bits: Chelsea 2-2 Swansea (Photos & Highlights)

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Champions Chelsea got their 2015/16 campaign off to a rather unsatisfying start, after drawing 2-2 at home to Swansea.

View image | gettyimages.com

The Blues took the lead on 23 minutes, with Oscar netting with a free-kick into the box which evaded Lukasz Fabianski in the Swansea goal.

View image | gettyimages.

Watch: Thibaut Courtois Sent Off For Chelsea And Swansea Take Full Advantage Of Missing Petr Cech

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When Thibaut Courtois received a straight red for afoul on Swansea's Bafétimbi Gomis, Chelsea called up their reserve 'keeper. This time it wasn't Petr Cech. It wasAsmir Begovic, whose first job in a Chelsea shirt was to pick the ball out of the net.

Gomis scored:

VINE | El GOL de Gomis para el #Swans 2-2 #CFC pic.

Watch Everton’s Ross Barkley Score Against Watford With A 25 Yard Cracker

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Ross Barkely scored a belter in Everton's 2-2 draw with Watford. MissingEngland's European Under-21 Championship campaignlooks to have down Barkley no harm.

Quotes Of The Day: Wenger On Arsenal’s Title Chances, Rodgers On Liverpool’s Top 5 Ambitions, Mourinho On Chelsea’s Messi Dream

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Quotes of the Day: Wenger on Arsenal forthe title and Jack Wilshere's health; Pelligrini on Man City's lust for Pep; Rodgers on learning lessonsfrom Stoke City; Mourinho on the power of foreign giants.

Arsène Wengeron Arsenal's TitleChances

I believe we are able to handle it and we want to handle it.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 1-0 Tottenham (Photos & Video Highlights)

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Manchester United got off to a winning start in the 2015/16 Premier League season after a Kyle Walker own-goal proved the difference against an under-par Spurs.

The Lilywhites did start well,with United's surprise starter between the posts, Sergio Romero, called into action early on.

View image | gettyimages.

Watch Kyle Walker’s Own Goal Give Manchester United A Running Start

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Spurs' Kyle Walker has a place in the record books: his strike is theonly time a Premier League season's first goal has been an own goal. Walker, whose tad-too-slow Spurs were unluckly to lose to a lacklustre Manchester United, put a brave face on it, telling the BBC:

I tried to stick my foot in the way so that [Rooney would] kick my foot instead of the ball, so it's a bit unlucky really as I'd made up a lot of ground to get there.

The Best Bits: Man Utd 1-0 Tottenham (Photos & Highlights)

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Manchester United got off to a winning start in the 2015/16 Premier League season after a Kyle Walker own-goal proved the difference against an under-par Spurs.

The Lilywhites did start well,with United's surprise starter between the posts, Sergio Romero, called into action early on.

View image | gettyimages.

Manchester City: Manuel Pellegrini On Guardiola, Winning And Being Human

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Manuel Pellegrini, 61, will be Manchester City manager for at least the next two seasons. Well, that's what his contract says.

Failure to win trophies andPep Guardiola cast shadows over his future at the Etihad Stadium.Guardiola is in the final year of his contract withBundesliga champions Bayern Munich.

Quotes Of The Day: Wenger On Arsenal’s Title Chances, Rodgers On Liverpool’s Top 5 Ambitions, Mourinho On Chelsea Buying Messi

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Quotes of the Day: Wenger on Arsenal forthe title and Jack Wilshere's health; Pelligrini on Man City's lust for Pep; Rodgers on learning lessonsfrom Stoke City; Mourinho on the power of foreign giants.

Arsène Wengeron Arsenal's TitleChances

I believe we are able to handle it and we want to handle it.

Thierry Henry Literally Rendered Speechless By Prospect Of Theo Walcott Being Arsenal’s Main Striker This Season (Video)

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AsSky Sports' Premier League preview showrumbled on last night, the chatter inevitably came around to Arsenal's 2015/16 title credentials.

As was to be expected, the pundits began waffling on about Arsenal'sdistinct lack of options up frontas they ventureinto the season with just Olivier Giroud as the only recognised senior striker at the manager's disposal.

MLS Offer NYCFC Fans The Chance To Dress-Up Their Very Own Andrea Pirlo Doll

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You know how you've always wanted the opportunity to greetAndrea Pirlo as he rises and dress him of a morning? Well, thanks to MLS, that dream is closer than ever to being a reality.

The MLS websitehas chosen toply fans with their very own virtualPirlo dolls, which offers the chance to dress up the NYCFC midfielder in an array of his signature outfits.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Sign Benzema Today, Adebyaor Dodges Aston Villa, West Ham Want Liverpool’s Borini

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Arsenal Sign Karim Benzema Today!

Benzema has been moving to Arsenal at a glacial pace for years. But now the Daily Telegraph says he's coming today! Apparently the Arsenal board have jetted to Madrid to sign the player.

Top 10 Ultimate ‘One Haircut Wonder’ Footballers

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Wherein Pies doff our caps and pay 'umble accolade to those players who locked in their look early and stuck with it through thick and indeed, thin.

Are you sitting comfy bold two-square on your botty? Then we shall begin...

1. Xavi Hernandez

Wet and spiky. Like a sea anemone.

Middlesbrough Fan Gets Large Tattoo Of Club Chairman Steve Gibson As Display Of Gratitude (Photo)

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One Middlesbrough fan by the name of Barry Hutt has gone out and got himself a large tattoo to further cement his devotion to his beloved football club.

However, rather than abog standard Boro badge on his arm or Juninho's face tattooed over his own, Barry decided instead to pay humble tribute to the man responsible for bank-rolling the clubfor the last 20 years, owner and chairman Steve Gibson.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Still Pondering Pedro Move, Everton And Tottenham Hot For Honda, Man City Close In On De Bruyne

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Man Utd Still Pondering Pedro Purchase

Pedro's move to Manchester United may not be as cut and dried as first thought, with the Mirror claiming that the Red Devils are unwilling pay the £23million wanted by Barcelona.

On This Day In 1969: Welcome To The World, Mr Paul Lambert

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Fame and fortune can be such fickle companions, and so today we reflect on said ficklenessas we consider the life and times of Paul Lambert, who was born 46 years ago this very dayin Glasgow.

In terms of the general public eye, Lambert isnow most remembered as the manager of the Aston Villa team that took the concept of dour, uninspired hopelessness to new levels.

‘I Feel Really Sorry’ – Angel Di Maria Writes Open Letter To Manchester United Fans After Ditching Them For PSG

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Having completed his extrication to PSG yesterday, Angel Di Maria made sure to leave Manchester United fans with an open letter to be going on with.

Having managed just one disappointing year at Old Trafford, the Argentinianoffered forth a few platitudes to ease the pain thanking the United family for their support, assuring them they'd always be in his heart and so on and so forth.

Europa League: Second-String West Ham Dumped Out By Astra Giurgiu, Southampton Too Good For Vitesse (Photos & Highlights)

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Judging from the starting 11 West Ham boss Slaven Bilic put out against Astra Girugiu on Thursday evening, it was clear where the Hammers' boss priorities lay.

Of the club's regular players, onlyKevin Nolan, Carl Jenkinson and Modibo Maiga made the 11 in Romania. Following the 2-2 draw in the first leg at the Boleyn Ground, Bilic was obviously more focused on his side's Premier League opener at Arsenal on Sunday.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Go For Gaitan, Arsenal Get Benzema By Sunday, Yarmolenko Yearns For Stoke

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Transfer Balls evening report: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Manchester United Go For Gaitan

The Telegraph says "Manchester United have reached a 'verbal agreement' with Benfica over centre-back Nicolas Gaitan, according to The Metro".

Official: Angel Di Maria Signs For PSG On Four-Year Deal

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Angel Di Maria is officially a PSG player after completinghis move this very afternoon by signing a four-year contract with the Ligue 1 champions.

The fee is said to be £44million, give or take the odd hundred thousand pound which, one year after spending a record £59million on him, strangely doesn't represent overly bad business from a Manchester United perspective.

Players Could Face Three-Match Ban For Faking Injury As FA Launches Crack Down On Cheating Gits

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Footballers indulging in the popular modern pastime of feigning injury may soon be staring down the barrel of a three-match ban thanks to a newFA crack down on play-acting.

From the Telegraph:

"A raft of rule changes agreed by the FA this summer included its first foray into stamping out simulation from the English game.

Nike England Euro 2016 Away Kit Leaked, And It Looks Super Duper Naff! (Photos)

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The new England away kit for 2015/16 has supposedly been leaked and, if the evidence before us is anything to go by, it's shaping up to be a bit of a stinker.

It would appear thatNike are ditching traditional red in favour of something that looks like an old England training top (circa2002-ish) that you might expect to crop up in a bin bag at a car-boot sale.

‘I Feel Very Ashamed’ – Norrkoping Captain Andrea Johanssen Formally Apologises For Appalling Dive Against AIK

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Andrea Johanssen, captain of Swedish side IFKNorrkoping, has issued a public apology stating he is "very ashamed" of the frankly astoundingpiece of play-acting he attempted against AIK at the weekend.

As AIK striker Mohamed Bangura innocently pointed up-field, Johanssen sidled up behind and deliberately bumped his face into Bangura's outstretched arm before hitting the deck in 'agony' as ifhe'd been clouted around the kisser.

On This Day In 1977: Legendary Goalkeeper Pat Jennings Makes The Daring Move From Tottenham To Arsenal

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For manyTottenhamfans, Pat Jennings remains the best goalkeeper the club has ever had. So imagine the pain and the shock when, following the Lilywhites' relegation in 1976/77, the club sold Jennings to dear neighbours Arsenal for £45,000.

Jennings had been a Spur since 1964, made 590 appearances for the club, and helped them to win an FA Cup, two League Cups and the UEFA Cup.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Keen On Kane, Arsenal Gunning For Benzema, Chelsea Bag Baba Rahman

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

Red Devils Keen On Kane

Manchester United have made a 'huge bid' for Harry Kane, the Express tells us. The England hitman was left out of Tottenham's Audi Cup clash with Milan last night, leading to speculation that the 22-year-old was headed for a move away from White Hart Lane.

Official: Sunderland Sign Yann M’Vila On Season-Long Loan From Rubin Kazan

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Somewhat out of the blue, Sunderland have completed the signing of France international midfielder Yann M'Vila on a season-long deal from Russian side Rubin Kazan.

The 25-year-old, who spent timeat Inter Milan last season before the loan was terminated four months early, becomes Dick Advocaat's fifth signing of the summer window.

Toni Duggan Becomes First Female Winner Of Man City ‘Goal Of The Season’ Award For Cracking Volley Against Chelsea (Video)

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Toni Duggan has become the first ever female recipient of Manchester City's 'Goal of the Season' award in recognition of the cracking volley she scored against Chelsea in the WSL last season.

As part of the glitzy City Live 2015/16 Season Launch Party event (yep) that saw Sergio Aguero crowned Player of the Year on Wednesday evening, Duggan pipped Samir Nasri to the goal trinket courtesy of this little beauty.

Least Surprising News Of The Day: Arsenal Fret As Jack Wilshere Injury ‘Much Worse’ Than First Thought

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Not that it's going to come as the remotest shock to anybody, but it would appear that Jack Wilshere's latest injury is much more serious than initially thought.

Wilsherebroke again during a training session the day before the Community Shield but the injury was initially only expected to keep the brittle midfielder out for a matter of days.

Lionel Messi Headbutts Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa During Barcelona v Roma ‘Friendly’ (Video)

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In a rather bizarre loss of control, Lionel Messi aimed a headbutt in the direction of Roma'sMapou Yanga-Mbiwa during a (supposedly) friendly clash at the Nou Camp.

The incident happened just after the half-hour mark, with the hosts 1-0 up. After a Barca attack was deemed offside, Messi ran past former Newcastle defender Yanga-Mbiwa before attempting to headbutt the Roma man and then grabbing him by the throat.

Bayern Munich Fans Forced To Go Shopping In 1860 Munich Club Store After Attack On Rival Supporter

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A German judge has givena pair of ne'er-do-well Bayern Munich fans the choice between a prisonsentence or an embarrassing trip to the club shop of their rival team, 1860 Munich, as punishment for an unprovoked attack on a 1860 supporter.

In a bid to, in her words "show that football is football and not a battlefield", judge Karin Jung has ordered the two Bayern fans to either buy 1860 Munich club merchandise for the fan they attacked or spend 15 months in jail.

10 Great Big, Dirty, Heaving Predictions For The 2015/16 Premier League Season

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After enjoying yet another year ofroaring success andindisputableaccuracywith our bold and brassypredictions for 2014/15, the time has come once again for Pies to hit you with another hot, heavy blast of our clairvoyant prowess.

Without further ado, let's delve in and get our hands mucky.

Phew: Latest EA Sports Gameplay Trailer Confirms Fratton Park Is Featured In FIFA 16 (Video)

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Thine hallowed field, what majesties hast thou seen?

With a new gameplay trailer being dropped from the blue yonder by EA Sports today, it certainly looks as thoughFIFA 16 has it all going on.

According to the accompanying blurb, FIFA 16 will feature a host of new features including an NFL-style 'Draft' experience in Career Mode as well as pre-season tournaments and improved scouting and training mechanisms.

On This Day In 1970: At Boothferry Park, The Penalty Shootout Arrives In English Football

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The penalty shootout: My, hasn't it served us well over the years?

Older readers may remember Watneys as a particularly pisspoor beer, and possibly also as the sponsors of one of the silliestcompetitions ever staged in English football.

Indeed, The Watney Cup was the first English football tournament to sell naming rights, although strictly speaking it was a competition invented in order to slap a sponsor's name on it.

Liquid Football: Amateur 5-A-Side Team Score Perfect Team Goal (Video)

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You know how we said this was a perfect team goal?

We lied...

Bravo!

(Via The42)

Arsenal Players Photobomb Unsuspecting Young Fans During Club Shop Photoshoot (Video)

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Arsenalrecently invited a handful of young supporters down to their Armoury club shopto take part in a 'retail shoot' to coincide with the launch ofthe Gunners' new 2015/16 kit.

Unbeknownst to the young'ns, however, there was a special surprise in store that only became clear once the photos had been developed.

Manchester United: Angel Di Maria Hailed As The ‘Messiah’ By French Press After Passing PSG Medical

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As the continuing saga of Angel Di Maria continues to drag on to it's inevitable conclusion, the French press are getting a wee bit giddy.

With the latest news being that Di Maria passed his PSG medical yesterday evening, L'Equipe went big the following morning by proclaiming the Argentinian winger to be the "messiah".

Football GIF: Tottenham Youngster Dele Alli Gives Luka Modric The Slip With Cheeky Nutmeg

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Tottenhammay not have learned much in today's Audi Cup game against Real Madrid, but they did confirm that the rumours about 19-year-old midfielder Dele Alli (pictured above, centre) are well founded.

The youngster, making his first start for the team, put in a confident display in which he cheekily nutmegged former Spurs and current Real midfield maestro Luka Modric.

Transfer Balls: Liverpool Target Lacazette Leaving Lyon, Man Utd Eye Van Der Wiel, Arsenal To Splash Out £24m On Romagnoli

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Liverpool Target Lacazette Leaving Lyon

French striker Alexandre Lacazette could be on his way to Liverpool, according to the Star (vial'Equipe). The Ligue 1 player of the season for 14/15 has been told by his club Lyon that he can leave, with Brendan Rodgers a big fan pf the £21million-rated star.

Audi Cup: Bayern Munich Hitman Robert Lewandowski Nets Screamer Against Milan (Vine)

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Coming hot on the heels of Gareth Bale's fine solo strike for Real Madrid against Tottenham, Roberto Lewandowski bagged a beaut for Bayern against Milan in the second game of the Audi Cup in Munich.

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With the German giants already 2-0 up, withgoals from Juan Bernat and Mario Goetze, Lewandowski sealed the deal with a rocket on 85 minutes.

Audi Cup: Real Madrid Overpower Tottenham As Gareth Bale Scores In 2-0 Victory

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Looking like a prize petunia with his hair done up all fancy, Gareth Bale returned to haunt his former club by netting in Real Madrid's 2-0 win over Tottenham in the Audi Cup.

It was James Rodriguez that opened the scoring for Real in the first half before Bale doubled the damage 10 minutes from time.

Leyton Orient: Sky Sports Reporter Pulls Off Amazing Save While Interviewing Dean Cox About Freekicks (Video)

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As part of their maddening 92Live marathondash around every single league stadium in England today, Sky Sports sent reporter Jamie Weir to Leyton Orient to discuss freekick techniques with the club's set-piece expert Dean Cox.

After watching Cox send a few meek shots towards anunguardednet, Weir decided to up the ante just before signing off and duly challenged the Orient player to stick one past him.

Shit Football Kits: Fans Queue Up To Mock New Central Coast Mariners ‘Palm Tree’ Strips (Photo)

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Central Coast Mariners have released their new kits for 2015/16 today and suffice it to say they've gone down like a ten-tonne turd.

All three kits are on the very cusp of being completely unremarkable, and then theMarinerswentand whacked a massive palm tree on the front a design feature the club are calling a "bold statement", though of what they fail to clarify.

Official: Bournemouth Complete £7m Deal For Max Gradel Despite Move Collapsing 24hrs Ago

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Bournemouth have complete the signing of Max Gradel from Saint Etienne for an initial fee of around £7million.

Gradel has signed a four-year deal and represents Eddie Howe's seventh signing of the summer window so far.

The 27-year-old Ivory Coast winger has actually played for Bournemouth before, enjoying two separate spells at the club on loan from Leicester City during the 2007/08 season, hence.

Football Manager 2015 Fan Spends Months Simulating The Next 1,000 Years Of English Football

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Quite why is anybody's guess but one dedicated Football Manager 2015 fan has spent the last 58 days of his life simulating the next 1,000 years of English football and the results are fairly surprising.

Having postedtheincredibly detailed results of his enormous sim on Reddit, gamer Lorf_Yimzo has revealed that the twin footballing behemoths to emerge over the course of the next millennium are Sheffield United and Burnley who dually dominate on both the domestic and European front.

Bournemouth: Sylvain Distin Displays Almost Assou-Ekottoian Levels Of Football Trivia Knowledge

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What with being the Premier League's oldest player and all, it's fair to say that Sylvain Distin has waltzed around the block a few times. Unfortunately, it would appear that the 37-year-old Frenchman has picked up precisely nothing on the way, with the veteran Bournemouth defender proving as much in a quick trivia quiz with The Sun.

On This Day In 1952: The Original Red Army Kicks Off In Helsinki

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You can trace the origins of football back to the year 476 BC and a sport called ‘cuju' in China – which translates roughly as "kick the ball with foot". In those days teams of up to 16 players would hoof a bag of leather stuffed with feathers around a rectangular pitch.

Much had changed, of course, by 1952, when modern China took its first steps on the international stage of the game that had now become known throughout the world as simply ‘football'.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Desperate For £100m Bale And Primed For Pepe, Chelsea Sniffing Around Rose

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Man Utd Desperate For £100m Bale

The Sun reports that Manchester United are desperate to sign Gareth Bale, with the Red Devils already launching two £100million bids for the Real Madrid star this summer.

Relax Everybody, Police In Colombia Have Found Faustino Asprilla’s Missing Horse

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It's been keeping Pies awake at night but now we can finally relax. Police in Colombia have finally tracked down and recovered Faustino Asprilla's missing horse.

According to the Guardian, Asprilla accidentally lentthe £44,000 horse, named 'Lucas', to a friend while drunk at a fair back in April.

Aston Villa Fan Travels 4,000 Miles To Donate Match Tickets To Underprivileged Local Children

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Aston Villa fan Michael Cappuccitti (that's him on the left) is planning to make the long haul to watch his side'sfirst home game of the season against Manchester United on August 14thdespite living some 4,000 miles away in Toronto, Canada.

Having made the trip to Birmingham and having paid through the nose for the privilege, Cappuccitti 'Capp' to his friends is then planning to donate his match tickets to local children who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to attend Villa games which is jolly nice of him!

Official: Brighton Legend Bobby Zamora Rejoins Seagulls On One-Year Deal

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12 years after playing his last game for Brighton & Hove Albion, veteran striker Bobby Zamora is back on the Sussex coast, after penning a new one-year deal with the Seagulls.

The 34-year-old lined out for Brighton between 2000 and 2003, banging in a superb 83 goals in just 136 games and cultivating legendary status with the local fans in the process.

Serbian Striker Ognjen Ozegovic Gets Serious Air To Score Outrageous Overhead Kick (Video)

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Just get your looking gear around this outstanding overhead kick, scored by 21-year-old Vojvodina striker Ognjen Ozegovic against FKJavor Ivanjica in the Serbian SuperLiga over the weekend.

While the finish alone is to be marvelled at, just keep an eye on the altitude Ozegovic reaches to actually connect with the cross in the first place.

Thiago Silva: Angel Di Maria Is ‘Stepping Up To A Big Club’ By Leaving Manchester United For PSG

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PSG defender Thiago Silva has said that Angel Di Maria is 'stepping up to a big club' by leaving Manchester United to join him at the Parisian club.

Di Maria has been photographed arriving in Doha today ahead ofhis PSG medical as the £44million deal continues to near its inevitable conclusion.

Lazio’s New 1980s-Inspired Away Kit Has An Enormous Blue Eagle On It (Photos)

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Lazio's new away strip for 2014/15. Handsome brute isn't it? As you may have noticed it features a gigantic blue eagle across the chest. What's not to like about that, pray tell?

The new strip, which is the partner piece for thesimilarly 1980s-inspired home kitthat Lazio wore during the latter half of last season, will be airedfor the first time in the Italian Supercoppa game against Juventus in China on Sunday.

Official: Crystal Palace Spluff £9m On Connor Wickham

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Crystal Palace have shovelled around £9million in Sunderland's general direction for the services of Connor Wickham.

Wickham, 22, joins Palace on a five-year deal on the same day that striker Dwight Gayle leaves Selhurst Park to join Fulham on a season-long loan.

BREAKING: #CPFC are delighted to announce the signing of @ConnorWickham10 on a five-year deal for an undisclosed fee.

Young Leeds Fan Gives Painfully Honest Assessment Of His Club’s Promotion Chances (Video)

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It would seem that several years of chaos and underachievement has had a devastating effect on the outlook of even the most enthusiastic young Leeds United fans.

While being interviewed on the pitch before Leeds' 2-0 friendly win over Everton on Saturday, onemascot was asked breezily if Leeds would be going up this season.

FAIL: Norkopping Captain Andrea Johanssen Performs The Most Embarrassing Dive We’ve Ever Seen (Video)

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Thanks toNorkopping captain we repeat, captain Andrea Johanssen, the prevalence of pathetic diving in football may have just reached some kind of critical mass thanks to his woefully embarrassing escapades over the weekend.

As AIK striker Mohamed Bangurawas innocently pointing up-field, Johanssen sidled up behind his victim, nudged his nose into Bangura's outstretched arm and duly proceeded to collapse in mock-agony as if he'd been blunderbussed in the face at point blank range.

Belgrano Goalkeeper Enjoys Quick Nibble After Racing Fans Chuck Hamburger At Him (Video)

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Over in theArgentinian Primera Division, Belgrano goalkeeper Juan Olave demonstrated the perfect way to deal with missiles being thrown from the crowd after being pelted with a rogue hamburger by the Racing Club fans sat behind his goal.

Olave simply picked up the burger andmade a point of taking a nibble before gently stowing it away beside his goal to tuck intolater.

On This Day In 1999: Thierry Henry Signs For Arsenal – Was He Arsene Wenger’s Greatest Ever Signing?

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Just eight months after joining Juventus from Monaco, Thierry Henry signed for Arsenal 16 years ago today. It didn't prove to be a bad deal in hindsight.

Henry went on to become the Gunners' record goalscorer, notching up 226 goals over the next eight years. He helped the club to two Premier League titles, three FA Cups, two Community Shields and a runners up spot in the Champions League.

Cristiano Ronaldo Gives Agent Jorge Mendes An Entire Greek Island As Wedding Present

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Cristiano Ronaldo was on best man duty while his agent and confidante Jorge Mendes gotmarried in Porto on Sunday afternoon.

As well as all the usual shenanigans, the Real Madrid superstar also bestowed the groom with one hell of a wedding present.

As initiallyreported by Move Noticias, Ronaldo apparently chose to show his gratitude to Mendes by buying his Mr 15% a nice new Greek island.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Ready Megabid For Bale, Liverpool Reel In Real Madrid’s Cheryshev, Wenger Dismisses Arsenal Benzema Bid

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Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Man Utd Ready Megabid For Bale

The Star, via the Express, tells us that Manchester United are still eager to lure Gareth Bale to Old Trafford. Red Devil's boss Louis van Gaal is itching for another big signing ahead of the new season, and even the imminent arrival of Barcelona's Pedro at Old Trafford in unlikely to quench his thrist for a blockbuster deal.

Wayne Rooney Lines Out For Everton Again, 13 Years After First Donning The Famous Blue Jersey…

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Wayne Rooney donned the famous blue of Everton once again on Sunday, with the Manchester United star taking part in Duncan Ferguson's testimonial at Goodison Park.

Rooney came on to a standing ovation to play the last 15 minutes of the game against Villarreal, some 15 years after he burst onto the scene for the Toffees.

Christian Benteke Nets Stunner Against Swindon On Liverpool Debut (Video)

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£32million man Christian Benteke marked his debut for Liverpool with a cracking goal against Swindon Town on Sunday. Taking a pass from Philippe Coutinho on his chest, the former Villa man turned and then buried a volley into the top corner of the Robins' net.

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The goal just after the break in the friendly game at the County Ground, in a game which also saw Roberto Firmino start.

Arsenal 1 – 0 Chelsea: 2015 Community Shield Highlights (Video)

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What they said after the game:

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger:

We have suffered physically today and the pitch was not great.But overall it's good because in pre-season we have been solid defensively. Pre-season has gone quite well.We have no big injuries at the moment apart from Jack Wilshere who we lost yesterday.

Community Shield: Jose Mourinho Makes Massive Pantomime Of Snubbing Arsene Wenger Hand-Shake (Video)

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The Community Shield came and went this afternoon with Arsenal beating Chelsea 1-0 in the 2015/16 Premier League curtain jerker.

With the ubiquitousMourinho/Wenger friction hanging heavy in the Wembley air once again, it was the Blues manager that provided the pantomimeantagonismby pointedly snubbing a hand-shake with his Arsenal counterpart after the trophy had been lifted.

Rise Of AFC Bournemouth Shows The Premier League Is Not As Elite As You Might Think

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When AFC Bournemouth kick off their first-ever Premier League fixture against Aston Villa next Saturday, it will be a turning point in English football.

The Cherries will become the 47th team of the 92 in all four professional divisions to play in the Premier League during its 24 seasons in existence – making Premier League football a majority experience for the first time.

Man vs Food Star Adam Richman Donates £800 To Sunday League Club To Help Buy New Training Gear

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Proving once again that he's a thoroughly good egg, Man vs Food star Adam Richman has fortifiedhis ongoing love affair with all things soccer by donating a considerable wodge of his hard earned money (the fortune that carbohydrate built) to a cash-strappednon-league football club.

As reported in the Non-League Post, Richman has given £800 to Broadley FC, who play in the Lincoln Sunday League, to help the club cover theirpitch fees for next season and purchase a new set of training jackets.

Manchester United: Angel Di Maria Expected To Undergo PSG Medical ‘Within Next 24 Hours’

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Angel Di Maria's great escape is now within days of completion with wordthis morning that the spindly Argentinian winger is set to undergo a PSG medical within the next day or so.

BBC Sport are reporting that after going AWOL by failing to report for duty on Manchester United's pre-season tour of the States, Di Maria has pitched upin Doha to meet PSG officials.

Roy Keane: ‘Arsenal Players Are Too Interested In Selfies And Six-Packs To Win Titles’

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Jolly old Roy Keane has been assessing the lay of the land ahead of the new season and has come to dour, joyless conclusion that Arsenal will bottle it again because their players are far too obsessed with taking pictures of themselves in varying states of undress to concentrate on winning the Premier League title.

Chelsea Legend Frank Lampard Makes MLS Debut For New York City (Video)

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The second-half of this summer's English invasion of US football, Frank Lampard, made his MLS debut forNew York City FC on Saturday.

Coming a few weeks after Steven Gerrard's first MLS run-out for LA Galaxy, Chelsea legend Lampard came on as a second-half sub against Montreal Impact.

Frank Lampard makes his debut for @NYCFC.

Women’s FA Cup Final – The Best Bits: Chelsea 1-0 Notts County (Photos & Highlights)

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Chelsea Ladies secured their first-ever major trophy after beating Notts County 1-0 at Wembley. The Women's FA Cup final was played in front of a record 30,710 crowd with World Cup stars Eni Aluko, Katie Chapman, Claire Rafferty and Laura Bassett, amongst others, on show.

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Phil Jones Let Loose With A Trident As Manchester United Finally Get Around To Launching 2015/16 Home Kit (Photos & Video)

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Chances are you've already seen it a thousand times already but Manchester United have finally got around to unveiling their new 2015/16 home kit at midnight last night the first of their honking great £750million supply deal with Adidas.

As per the Adidas blurb, the kit is a nod to the classic strips they last produced for United back in the 1980s and 1990s before theclubswanned off with rivals Nike for the next 13 years.

Joey Barton: ‘Philosophy And Football Helped Me Escape My Past’

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Joey Barton has been talking with the Times'Matthew Syed. Billed as"the baddest man inBritish football", Barton is now "hardman turned philosopher"living in London's leafy Kew with a young family and burning desire to be a better man.

Syed journeys to Barton's childhood home in Huyton, a few miles from the centre of Liverpool, "whereviolence was as much a part of his upbringing as oxygen.