Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2015

Lionel Messi Lights Up Copa Del Rey Final With Magnificent Solo Goal (Even By His Standards) (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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Lionel Messi is certainly no stranger to incredible goals, however even by the pint-sized superhero's own stratospheric standards, this strike is outstanding.

Scored in the 20th minute of Barcelona's Copa Del Rey final clash with Athletic Bilbao, this was sheer, unadulterated, jinky brilliance from the Argentine conjuror.

FA Cup Final: Arsenal 4-0 Aston Villa: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal won their record-breaking 12th FA Cup on Saturday after totally outclassing Aston Villa at Wembley.

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The Gunners, with Theo Walcott starting up front in place of Olivier Giroud, were in control from the first minute, and could've gone ahead courtesy of efforts from Laurent Koscielny and Walcott in the first-half.

Newcastle Youngster Adam Campbell Only Found Out He’d Been Released After Reading About It On Twitter

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By Chris Wright

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Newcastle United released a slewof players back into the wild yesterday with the likes of Jonas Gutierrez and Ryan Taylor all leaving the club.

Also set free was young Adam Campbell, not that the midfielder who joined the club as a 7-year-old had the foggiest idea he was out of a job.

Unable To Attend The FA Cup Final, Dad Surprises Arsenal-Mad Daughter By Creating Her Very Own ‘Club Shop’ At Home (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Unable to organise a trip to Wembley to watch Arsenal take on Aston Villa in the FA Cup Final live at Wembley this afternoon, one loving father surprised his Arsenal-mad daughter by creating a special Gunners club shop in the family dining room on cup final day.

Random Great Goals: Stuart Pearce Scores Ripping Free-Kick As Nott’m Forest Triumph In The 1991 FA Cup Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With absolutely zerohintof bias, Pieshumbly present to youthe best goal ever scored in an FA Cup Final without question.

We are, of course, talking about Stuart Pearce's ballistic free-kick in the 1991 final against Tottenham at Wembley.

Pies Classics: Top 10 Truly Dismal FA Cup Songs

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By Chris Wright

Some absolute stinkers here...

10. We Are Wimbledon by Wimbledon, 1988

Nothing, repeat nothing, screams feverish FA Cup anticipation like a schlocky, mid-tempo, Chris De Burgh-esque ballad...

9. Oh Millwall by Millwall, 2004

Set to the tune of crooner standard "Volare" (recorded by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Barry White among others) and featuring both lyrics about the M4 motorway and a tuneless operatic reading of their players' names as an intro.

Transfer Balls: Juventus Ogle Oscar, Liverpool Keen On Kovacic, Man Utd Bid For Benzema

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Juventus Ogle Oscar

The Mirror tells us that Serie A champs Juventus have bid a cheeky £9million for Chelsea's Oscar.

Four More Years: Sepp Blatter Re-Elected As FIFA President

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By Chris Wright

"Good, goooooooood"

The votes are in. It went to the wirebetweenSepp Blatter and Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein in Zurich, but we now have a winner...and it's bad news, we're afraid.

The first round of voting saw Blatter crush Prince Ali.

From ‘Bellend’ To ‘Swiss Mob Boss’: Sepp Blatter’s Career According To Wikipedia

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Over on Wikipedia, FIFA boss Sepp Blatter's career is studiously profiled.

According to the online encyclopaedia, Blatter is an "administrator"...

An administrator forthe "Swiss mob" to be precise:

Someone gave Sepp Blatter a new job title on Wikipedia this morning http://t.

Turns Out The Simpsons Predicted The FIFA Corruption Arrests In March 2014 (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

It seems that a pre-World Cup episode of The Simpsons may have correctly predicted the recent wave of FIFA officials being pinched on corruption charges.

Initially airing in March 2014, the episode'You Don't Have To Live Like A Referee' sees the 'FIFA vice-president' suddenly arrested by an Interpol agent in The Simpsons' living room.

Jermaine Beckford ‘Shirt Snatch’ Saga Ends As Preston Striker Presents Young Fan With Special Replacement (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Huzzah! It looks like the slightly depressing saga of Jermaine Beckford's League One play-off final shirt has reached a happy conclusion.

As you may recall, the shirt caused a bit of a stir last week when eight-year-old Preston fan Ted Dockray was seen having Beckford's shirt snatched out of his hands by a 31-year-old woman after the striker slung it into the crowd at Wembley.

Remembering Heysel: 30 Harrowing Photos From One Of Football’s Darkest Days

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By Chris Wright

Today marks the 30th anniversary of the Heysel Stadium disaster, one of the bleakest, blackestdays in thealready murky morass that was British football in the 1980s.

29th May, 1985. The European Cup Final between Liverpool and Juventus. 58,000 fans were in attendance at the Belgian national stadium.

Football Art: Richard Swarbrick Presents ‘Sepp Blatter Made Of Money’…

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By Chris Wright

While he's perhaps more famous for his achingly beautiful football animations, Richard Swarbrick (@RikkiLeaks) couldn't pass on the opportunity to encapsulate his take onFIFA grand poobah Sepp Blatter, what with the FIFA empire crumbling under siege conditions at the moment.

The Football Artist Creates Beautiful ‘Roy Of The Rovers-Style’ Illustrations Of Arsenal And Aston Villa Players For FA Cup Final Programme (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having been commissioned by the FA to do so, renowned illustrator Stephen Gulbis professionally known as The Football Artist set about creating a wonderful barrage of imagery for afeature in the official FA Cup Final match programme.

Gulbis, who has provided illustrations for Shoot magazine since the 1990s among other gigs, has produced a beautiful array of pop art/comic book-stylestoryboards that depict both Arsenal and Aston Villa's respective roads to Wembley.

FIFA Corruption Scandal: A World Cup Boycott Will Cost England Millions And Achieve Nothing

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Should European footballing nations boycott theWorld Cup shouldSepp Blatterremain head of FIFA? Would Russia, hosts of the 2018 World Cup, agree to any boycott of the tournament it 'won' the right to host?

Russia's President Vladimir V. Putin called the arrests of FIFA officials in Zurich on Wednesday "another blatant attempt by the United States to extend its jurisdiction to other states.

Transfer Balls: Liverpool Muscle In On Clyne And Gaitan, Man Utd Backing Bacca, Arsenal Edge Towards Martinez Deal

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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LiverpoolDouble Dip For Man Utd Targets

The Mirror claim that Liverpool are trying to muscle in on Man Utd targets Nathaniel Clyneand Nico Gaitan.

The Best Quotes From Sepp Blatter’s Blame-Retardant FIFA Congress Speech

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By Chris Wright

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With his minions being arrested en masse and his sponsors severing ties left, right and centre, FIFA president Sepp Blatter stepped up to the podium at the organisation's annual Congress meeting this afternoon and delivered a speech for the ages.

Saluting Albert Johanneson Of Leeds United: The First Black Footballer To Play In The FA Cup Final

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Albert Johanneson of Leeds United, with fans at the Hendon FCground, London, during a team training session before the FA Cup final against Liverpool, 28th April 1965. Johanneson is suffering from a leg injury and is acting as a ball carrier at the session. (Photo by Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Pies are offering a humble tribute to Albert Johanneson, the first black footballer to play in the FA Cup final.

Britain’s Oldest Groundsman Offers Entire £20,000 Life Savings To Save Beloved Hallen FC From Folding

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By Chris Wright

The man you see before you is British football's oldest groundsman, 76-year-old Terry Henderson, who has offered to hand over his entire life savings in a desperate bid to prevent his beloved football team, Hallen FC, from going to the wall.

Terry lives in a mobile home next to Hallen's pitch and has spent the last 40 years tending the turf and keepingthe groundship-shape.

Throwback Thursday Classic: FIFA 12 Reviewed As If It Were Actually A Game About FIFA Themselves (With Screenshots!)

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By Chris Wright

In the midst of the cascade of breaking FIFA corruption scandal news we've been bombarded with over the past 24 hours, Pies stumbled across a brilliantly pithy Codehesive article from 2011 that resonates just as loudlyin these troubling times as it did three-and-a-halfyears ago.

FIFA 16 Game To Feature Women’s Football Teams For The Very First Time (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Well, well. Here's a bit of cool news. EA Sports have announced that FIFA 16 is going to be the first ever version of the game to feature women's football teams.

As such,12 of the most prominentwomen'sinternational sides are to be included in the game, including 2015 World Cup hosts Canada along with the likes ofEngland, USA, Brazil, Germany and Spain.

FIFA Corruption Scandal: Disgraced CONCACAF Chief Chuck Blazer Owns Two Luxury Manhattan Apartments: One For Him, One For His Cats

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By Chris Wright

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Turns out those few extra dollars earned moonlighting as a shopping centre Santa Claus just weren't enough for Chuck

While thoroughly disgraced, there can be little doubt that CONCACAF chief-turned-whistleblower Chuck Blazer made the most of his time suckling on Sepp Blatter's lucrative teat.

Wigan Athletic To Erect Life-Sized Statue Of Dave Whelan Outside DW Stadium

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By Chris Wright

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It has been announced that Wigan Athletic are to pay tribute to long-serving player, chairman and owner Dave Whelan by building a life-size statue of him outside their DW Stadium.

The 78-year-old businessmanis also to be anointed "honorary life president" of Wigan Athletic as a mark ofhis "enduring legacy to the town" and as a "fitting tribute to the man who presided over the transformation of the club".

Europa League Final – Dnipro 2-3 Sevilla: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sevilla made it a record-breaking four Europa League title successes after beating Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk in a cracking final in Warsaw.

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Former Blackburn Rovers striker Nikola Kalinic opened the scoring for the Ukrainians after just seven minutes,

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Finish ‘Em! Al-Hilal Fans Produce Superb Mortal Kombat-Inspired Tifo (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The fans of Saudi league side Al-Hilal are no strangers to magnificent tifos. And again, in the second leg of the AFC Champions League second leg clash with Persepolis, the home fans produced a superb Mortal Kombat-inspired display.

Starting with "Sub-Zero" from the famous video game, the display at the King Fahd International Stadium turned to a great big "Finish 'em".

Wolfsburg Cup Final Shirts To Feature ‘Green Heart’ Tribute To Late Midfielder Junior Malanda (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Our new HOME jersey for the 2015/16 season! #vflwolfsburg pic.twitter.com/iPqT7dRQ7U

- VfL Wolfsburg EN (@VfLWolfsburg_EN) May 27, 2015

Wolfsburg have announced that their shirts for this weekend's German Cup final will feature a tribute to Junior Malanda, the late Wolfsburg midfielder who was tragically killed in a car crash in Germany in January of this year.

Random Great Goals: Rampaging Paul Gascoigne Cleaves The Moldova Defence In Twain, 1997 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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To celebrate the fact that Paul Gascoigne was born on this very day 48 years ago, Piesthought wemightdoff our caps and dedicate a Random Great Goal in his honour.

When you think of Gazza's goals for England it's tough to think beyond *that* time he tied Colin Hendry's blazing sunbeam-colouredmullet up in knots against Scotland at Euro 1996, but he did score someotherrare old beautiesat Wembley too.

Lucky Arsenal Fan Stumbles Across FA Cup Final Tickets After They’d Quite Literally Fallen From Space

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By Chris Wright

An Arsenal fan by the name of George Lamb will be attending this Sunday's FA Cup Final against Aston Villa at Wembley after stumbling across match tickets that had quite literally fallen from space.

The FA fastened a pair of VIP passes to a weather balloon and set it soaring at 6:00am this morning, with the balloon reaching a height of some 8,839 metres (that's 29,000 feet in old money) before popping.

Steven Gerrard Leads Liverpool Players In Rousing Rendition Of Kolo/Yaya Toure Chant Out In Dubai (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Soon as they'd finished getting stuffed 6-1 by Stoke City on the final day of the season, the Liverpool squad flew out to Dubai for a three-day post-season trip planned by the players as a send-off for Steven Gerrard.

The Liverpool boys were obviously in high spirits,soon forgetting all about their less than stellar end to the 2014/15campaignafter being filmed breaking out into an impromptu rendition of the Kolo/Yaya Toure chant with their club captain leading the chorus.

Chelsea: Jose Mourinho Uses Awards Speech To Troll Manchester United, Man City & Arsenal Using Powerpoint (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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We weren't aware that the manager's end-of-season awards bash speech had become a competitive entity, but it would appear that Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho did his utmost to outshine Louis van Gaal's wine-fuelled extravaganza with a pre-prepared clinic in devious trolling complete with Powerpoint presentation!

Ghost Writer Of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s Autobiography Admits The Quotes Were Mostly Made Up

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By Chris Wright

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Upon its release in 2011, Zlatan Ibrahimovic's autobiography,Jag Är Zlatan (I Am Zlatan), causedmore than a few waves largelyby virtue of being exactly the kind of book you'd expect Zlatan to write namely, 300-odd pages; 150 dedicated to his innate greatness and 150 dedicated to listing the many people he has kicked/wants to kickup the arse.

FIFA Officials Arrested En Masse On Suspicion Of Corruption In Dawn Raid On Zurich Hotel

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By Chris Wright

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*Gulp*

Six FIFAofficials, including FIFA vice-president Jeffrey Webb, have been arrested by Swiss police on suspicion of corruption in dramatic dawn raids at a hotel in Zurich ahead of Friday's presidential election.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Grab Gaitan, Arsenal Stump Up £5million For Schlupp, Tottenham In For Ings

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Gaitan The Guy For Man Utd

According to the Star (via Portuguese outlet A Bola), Man Utd are set to sign Argentine wideman Noclas Gaitan this week, with the deal all but completed.

Aston Villa Fans Have Enormous FA Cup Flag Banned For Containing The Word ‘Arsenal’

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By Chris Wright

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Aston Villa fans have started a petition after hearing that the FA banned had them from unfurling a massive Sex Pistols-themed banner at the FA Cup Final because it features the word 'Arsenal'.

According to Wembley and FA statutes, flags and banners are not allowed to feature the name of a team's opponents for fear of inciting city-wide zombie riots or some such nonsense.

Preston Release Official Statement To Hopefully Put An End To Miserable Jermaine Beckford Shirt-Snatching Saga

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By Chris Wright

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The saga of Jermaine Beckford's League One play-off final shirt has rumbled on into its third day.

For those unaware, outrage was sparked during the latter stages of Sunday's game at Wembley when a 31-year-old woman appeared to snatch Beckford's jersey out of the hands of aneight-year-old fan, Ted Dockray, who had emerged clutching it after the Preston striker slung it into the crowd.

Arsenal Trio Mertesacker, Ramsey & Koscielny Mime Their Way Through ‘Return Of The Mack’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you've spent your days thus far wishingto one day witness Arsenal stars Per Mertesacker, Aaron Ramsey and, least comfortably of all, Laurent Koscielny mime their respective ways though Mark Morrison's 'Return of the Mack', then wish no more.

If not, then there's a high chance this might not be quite up your alley because, in the interest of 'giving something back to the fans' (and shill for Citroen), that's exactly what's going down.

How Many Qatar World Cup Slave Deaths Can The Guardian, Barcelona Fans And Harrods Shoppers Put Up With?

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No sooner hadXavi Hernández announced his departure from Barcelona for a new dawn withQatari side Al Sadd, than he was attacked.

Xavi, 35, will work asan ambassador for the 2022 World Cup being staged in merciless desert heat.

Given the contentious nature of how Qatar won the right to stage the World Cup and the plight of migrant workersbuilding the massive white elephants theInternational Trade Union Confederation's Play Fair Qatar says "more than 62 workers will die for each game played during the 2022 tournament" Xavi's choice has been considereddespicable by some:


Such condemnation for Xavi would carry an ounce of weightwere it not for the fact thatBarcelona are sponsored byQatari Airways.

Retro Football: Anybody Fancy A Game Of ‘Snoccer’, The GREAT New Game Of The 1980s? (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Oh, countless are the hours we've all wiled away engaged in epic Snoccer duels over the years...

Snooker + Soccer = Snoccer. Geddit? Subbuteo for the Raleigh Burner generation!

Nope, we have no recollection of it either.

Strangely, despite the old adverts still floating about, there doesn't seem to be any tangible proof that the GREAT NEW GAME OF THE 1980s ever actually existed.

Reports: Slavisa Jokanovic Set To Leave Watford Despite Overseeing Promotion To Premier League

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By Chris Wright

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The photo you see before you was taken 24 days ago. It shows Watford bossSlavisa Jokanovic celebrating after winning automaticpromotion to the Premier League.

Three-and-a-sliver weekslater, we get this...

BREAKING: Sky sources Slavisa Jokanovic will not be head coach of Watford next season.

Adidas Unveil The Predator’s Successors – The All New ‘X’ And ‘Ace 15’ Boot Designs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After revolutionising the football boot industry upon its launch in 1994 and staying on top for the nexttwo decades, Adidas finally retired the Predator along with all the other staples of their boot stable earlier this month in favour of revamping their silo with two completely new designs: the‘X 15' (left) and the‘Ace 15' (right).

Diego Costa Has Fun Merrily Pelting Chelsea Fans With Celery On Bus Parade (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

After bowing out with a 3-1 win over Sunderland in their final game, Chelsea went pootling around the capitalon their title-winningbus parade on Bank Holiday Monday.

As is customary, the victorious players and staff were bombarded with celery as they made their way from Stamford Bridge to the King's Road a tradition that goes back to the 1980s when Chelsea fans in the Shed End would hurl stalks of celery onto the pitch whilesinging a catchy little ditty about the vegetable and its magical romantic powers (Google it).

Norwegian Midfielder Espen Hoff Throws Hilarious Wobbly After Getting Himself Sent Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It was downhill from here for the Hoffmeister, quite literally!

After getting himself sent-off for a rash challenge in the first half of Saturday's Tippeligaen match against Sarpsborg, IK Start midfielder Espen Hoff demonstratedthe perils of trying to throwa post-red tantrum whilst wearing studs on a hard floor.

Water Break: Chongqing Keeper Weijie Sui Concedes While Taking Swig From His Bottle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Eh?"

In whichChongqing Lifan goalkeeperWeijie Sui is left with a superb 'whaddafuq?' look on his face after conceding an 85th-minute equaliser while taking a swig from his water bottle.

With the goal temporarily vacated during the latter stages of Sunday's Chinese Super League tie between the two sides, Liaoning forwardDing Haifeng springs a quick freekick and simply rolls the ball over the line while Sui had his back turned taking on liquids.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Bid £35million For Benzema, Liverpool Beguiled By Benteke, Tottenham Tipped For Trippier

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Gunners Care About Karim

The Metro, those kings of SHOCK OMG! MASSIVE horse manure rumours, tells us that Real Madrid striker Karim Benzema may be on his way to the Emirates.

Real Madrid Sack Carlo Ancelotti With Rafa Benitez Favourite To Step Into The Breach

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By Chris Wright

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Coming as a surprise to precisely nobody, Real Madrid have tonight relieved Carlo Ancelotti of his duties for the heinous crime of finishing two points shy of first in La Liga and reaching the semi-finals of the Champions League this year.

Legendary Irish Sports Broadcaster Bill O’Herlihy Dies, Aged 76

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By Alan Duffy

A man synonymous with the Republic of Ireland's momentous Euro and World Cup adventures in the late 80s and beyond, RTE anchorman Bill O'Herlihy passed away at his home on Monday morning.

A superb broadcast journalist, the Cork-born O'Herlihy joined RTE in the 1960s and was key to the success of RTE's football punditry, providing the solid base which allowed the likes of Eamon Dunphy, John Giles and Liam Brady to famously argue and bicker over the intricacies of the game.

Let’s Be ‘Aving You! – Norwich City Promoted Back To Premier League After Play-Off Win Against Middlesbrough (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City will join Bournemouth and Watford as the Premier League new-boys after the Canaries deservedly beat Middlesbrough 2-0 in the Championship Play-Off at Wembley.

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Boro's Jelle Vossen did hit the woodwork in the 10th minutes for Aitor Karanka's charges.

Liverpool Striker Divock Origi Named In Ligue 1 ‘Worst Team Of The Season’ By L’Equipe

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By Chris Wright

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The good news is just stacking up for Liverpool fans at the moment. Following a crushing 6-1 final day defeat against Stoke in Steven Gerrard's last game for the club comes the bulletin from France that inbound signing Divock Origi has found his way into the Ligue 1 'worst team of the season'.

Official: Manchester United Decide Not To Keep £43.2m Radamel Falcao Beyond His Loan Expiry

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By Chris Wright

Wonders will never cease. Manchester United have decided not to take up their option to transmogrify Radamel Falcao's one-season loan into a permanent deal...

Man Utd have decided not to keep Radamel Falcao following the end of his loan from Monaco.

Australian Defender Sent Off For Horrendous Foul On Giant Bottle Of BBQ Sauce (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Saturday night saw Central Coast Mariners throw a testimonial evening for retiring captain Josh 'Hutch' Hutchinson, with the 35-year-old defender bowing out after making 268appearances for the A-League side.

The light-hearted game saw several club mascots take to the pitch at one point, though when one particular giant bottle of barbecue sauce started getting a little too rowdy it was left to Mariners centre-half Brent Griffiths to chop it back down to size again quite literally.

Snapshot: Man City Marksman Sergio Aguero Is Your 2014/15 Premier League Golden Boot Winner…

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By Chris Wright

By virtue of having26 league goals to his name this season (five more than his nearest competition, Harry Kane), Man City striker Sergio Aguero wasbestowed with his very first Premier League Golden Boot award after adding one finalstrike to his tally in his side's 2-0 win over Southampton this afternoon.

Stoke City 6-1 Liverpool: Reds Fans Slaughter Raheem Sterling As Steven Gerrard Weeps Into His Beer

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Dropped or protected for Liverpool's final match of the season at Stoke City, Raheem Sterling went on a walkabout by the fans who once hymned his name in praise.

The overriding view from Liverpool fans is that Sterling can "f*** himself" with his agent Aidy Ward's "***** *****-***b".

Have fun filling in the asterisks yourselves.

Appalled By The Tigers, You’ve Been Appalled By The Tigers: Hull City Relegated From The Premier League

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By Chris Wright

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It's feelslike it's beenedging closerfor a few years now, but Hull City have been relegated from the Premier League on the finalafternoon of the season thanks to Newcastle's 2-0 victory over West Ham thus bringing to an end their seven-term sojourn in the top flight.

Football Vine: Manchester United’s Marouane Fellaini Sees Red For Nasty Stamp On Paul McShane’s Lucky Charms

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By Alan Duffy

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Marouane Fellaini is no stranger to a nasty challenge and in Man Utd's last game of the season against Hull City, the midfielder produced a horrible stamp on Paul McShane.

With the Republic of Ireland defender getting to the ball first, Belgian midfielder Fellaini followed through on the Hull man, stamping right on his Lucky Charms.

Snapshot: Didier Drogba Carried Off Pitch By Team-Mates After Final Game For Chelsea…

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By Alan Duffy

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Chelsea legend Didier Drogba ended his second trophy-laden spell with the Blues in style on Saturday, when he was carried off the pitch by his team-mates after being substituted on 28 minutes in the game against Sunderland.

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Nutty Behaviour: Napoli’s Miguel Britos Headbutts Juventus Striker Alvaro Morata (Vine & Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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During Saturday's Serie A clash between champions Juventus and fourth-placedNapoli, Uruguayan defender Miguel Britos was sent off for anawful head-butt on Alvaro Morata.

This wasn't a case of two players squaring up to each other or of a minor nudge of a player's head against his opponent, this was a proper case of planting the nut (as Danny Dyer might say), with Morata left with a bloodied nose.

Hoops Upside Your Head: Barcelona Roll Out New 2015/16 Home And Away Kits (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We're definitely moving headlong intokit reveal season, with Barcelona becoming the latest club to unveil their latest batch of strips for 2015/16.

It's basically more of the same blaugrana theme, though the biggest notable change is the shift from stripes to hoops.

Jose Mourinho Won’t Quit Chelsea But He Might Manage Manchester United (One Day)

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Good old Jose Mourinho has done it again, supplying the news biz with very usable quotes. Does he see himself managing an English club other than Chelsea, say, Manchester United?

"I see myself coaching another club, yes, but I love Chelsea and I am in Mr Abramovich's hands and until then I am here," says Mourinho on the BBC's Football Focus.

Dortmund Fans Give Jurgen Klopp An Emotional Send-Off With Fantastic ‘Thank You’ Tifo (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Safe to say that things got a bit emotional during Borussia Dortmund's final game of the season which, as well as being Jurgen Klopp's last game in charge, also saw long-serving captain Sebastian Kehl bow out.

Dortmund tussled to a 3-2 victory over Werder Bremen, but the match itself very much felt like a sideshow.

Transfer Balls: Liverpool Want £50m And £60m For Raheem Sterling Who Will Only Play For Arsenal

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Transfer Balls presents around-up of today's Raheem Sterling news in the mainstream Press.

The Express leadwith news thatLiverpool will sell Raheem Sterling if"Arsenal or Man City make a £50m offer". Readers are told:

The figure being mentioned within Anfield is £50 million – one which would make interested parties like Manchester City, Chelsea and Manchester United probably think twice.

Chelsea: Mourinho Won’t Quit Chelsea But He Might Manage Manchester United (One Day)

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Good old Jose Mourinho has done it again, supplying the news biz with very usable quotes. Does he see himself managing an English club other than Chelsea, say, Manchester United?

"I see myself coaching another club, yes, but I love Chelsea and I am in Mr Abramovich's hands and until then I am here," says Mourinho on the BBC's Football Focus.

FIFA And The FA’s View Of Mixed-Gender Football Belittles Girls And Makes Fools Of Boys

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The FA will allow boys and girls up to the age of 18 to play football in the same team. Currently, the sexes are splitat 16.

"UEFA annually asks all European countries to declare their mixed football age limit," saysthe FA's national development manager for women's football Rachel Pavlou to the BBC.

Manchester United: Footage Emerges Of Seven-Year-Old Memphis Depay Ripping It Up For His Youth Team (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a £25-30million deal struck and a medical passed, Memphis Depay is now just sat twiddling his thumbs at PSV,counting down the days until he becomes a Manchester United player on June 1st.

Footage has emerged (i.e, someone searched forit on Youtube) that shows the young Memphis Depay ripping it upfor his hometown youthteam V.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Move For Martinez, Citizens Seize Sterling, Stoke Catch Konoplyanka

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Gunners Act On Jackson

According to the Metro, via Portuguese outletJornal di Noticias, Porto's Jackson Martinez has signed a pre-contract agreement with Arsenal.

Randers FC Fan Wins 100,000 Krone With Supremely Nonchalant Half-Time Trick Shot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're a couple of days late on the uptake here so apologies where due but here's Randers FC fanMichael Hansen making himself 100,000 kroners richer (roughly £9,500) by virtue of a supremely nonchalant half-time trick shot sticking a penalty through a roughly football-sized hole during a recent DanishSuperliga match.

Arsenal: Aaron Ramsey Doesn’t Enjoy Playing In Wenger’s Current Team

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One day on from news that Barcelona are lining up a £50m bid for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey, the playeris talkingabout his role in ArseneWenger'steam. He's not happy playing out wide. He tells the Sun:

"The manager has said he wants me to do a job out wide for the moment and obviously I'll do that for him.

Spurs And Arsenal Seethe As Manchester United Call Luke Shaw A Winner For Ducking England Duty

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Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal says Luke Shaw will be a great player once he's had a decent rest.

As we've noted, Shaw won't be spending his summer representing England at the European Under-21 Championship finals in the Czech Republic. We're wereunsure why? Shaw had been concussed at United's match at Crystal Palace and concussion must no longer be taken lightly.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United Are Buying Ronaldo And Bale For £157m In A Human Centipede Of News

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Transfer Balls spots a human centipede of ballsin the tabloids. The story in The Metro is that Manchester United are going to buy get this GarethBale and Cristiano Ronaldo. The Metro's website puts a figure on what would be the worst transfer in Real Madrid's history:

Manchester United are reportedly plotting a shock £157.

Chelsea: Jose Mourinho Edits The Minutes And Referees His Own Campaign

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We were going to see if you couldguess who hadadmitted to being wrong, but so rare is it for Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho to admit failure there was a very real danger that you'd be guessing till Christmas....of next year.

So, without further ado, here's is the Chelsea maestro behaving out of character as he harks back to whenhe was accusing referees of waging a campaign against his team and holding the Blues to a different set of rules:

"We had lots of mistakes against us but that's football.

Norwich Fan Returns From Work To Find His Dog Eating His Championship Play-Off Final Tickets

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By Chris Wright

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We're fairly sure this happens every year, but the unlucky putz to have his Championship play-off final tickets eaten by his dog is poor old Norwich fan Matt Grimmer.

After receiving his three tickets through the post on Tuesday morning, Matt headed off to work having left them tucked away out of harm's way(or so he thought) on top of his kitchen side unit.

John Carew Is Playing A Henchman Called ‘Igor’ In New Norwegian Gangster Movie

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By Chris Wright

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What range this man has. He can even do 'chronic trapped wind'

Former Aston Villa, Stoke and West Ham striker John Carew is appearing in a new film.

As Tweeted by the man himself,Høvdinger is a Norwegian gangster caper that is due to hittheatres as of June 2015.

Arsenal Can Lure Raheem Sterling By Targeting Agent Aidy Ward’s King-Sized Ego

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Not long sinceManchester United's polite inquiry into the availability ofLiverpool's Raheem Sterling becamepublic knowledge, Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger offered his views on the saga.

Wenger wasasked if he thinks Sterling has behaved badly. Given that the playeremploys Aidy Ward to represent him, it's hard to make the case that Sterling has been blameless in his Liverpool contract stand-off.

Watford Suit Up For 2015/16 Premier League Return With Brand New Stripy Home Shirt (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is the brand new home strip that Watford will be wearing for their first return tothe Premier League for eight long years.

The hornet-inspired shirt isa lot less 'sickly custard yellow' than their usual livery, which is definitely a plus as far as we're concerned.

Unexploded WWII Bomb Found Outside Wembley Stadium, Football League Play-Offs Unaffected

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By Chris Wright

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The Football League have confirmed that the Championship, League One and League Two play-off finals will go ahead as planned this bank holiday weekend despite the discovery of an unexploded World War II bomb outside Wembley Stadium.

Copa 90 Present: Pyro, Flares & Chaos – The Incendiary Madness Of Derby Day In Sarajevo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hell-fire and brimstone, Sarajevo style (Photo: BH Dragons)

From the sameteam thatallowed us a poignant glimpse into the private struggles of the man behind the Wealdstone Raider meme comes this: a chaotic and fascinating trip to the maddening incendiary spectacle that is the Sarajevo derby.

Leicester City Owners To Celebrate Premier League Survival By Buying Every Fan A Free Pint

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By Chris Wright

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Having obviously caught wind of FC Cologne's plan to ply their supporters with 2-for-1beer after securing their Bundesliga survival, Leicester City fans will no doubt be thrilledto hear that their owners are following suit.

Leicester vice-chairman Aiyawatt Srivaddhanaprabha, who bankrolls the Foxes along with his father Vichai, has announced that every fan attending the final game of the season against QPR at the King Power Stadium will be given a voucher entitling them to a free pint on the house.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Sweet On Schweinsteiger, Lamela The Fella For Juventus, Liverpool’s Lucas Eyed By Inter

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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United Schweet On Schweini

World Cup winner Bastian Schweinsteiger is a target for Man Utd, according to the Express.

FIFA Select Wonky Pitch On Scottish Island Of Eriskay As One Of World’s ‘Most Unique Places To Place Football’

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By Chris Wright

A bumpy, gnarled, undulating, higgledy-piggledyand previously-five-cornered football pitch on a remote Scottish island has been deemed by FIFA to be one of the eight most interesting places to play football in the entire world.

As such, the pitch on the Outer Hebredian isle of Eriskay (population: 150) is set to feature in a documentary that is to be screened at FIFA's new museum in Zurich when it opens to the public next year.

Snapshot: Chelsea’s Jose Mourinho And Eden Hazard Win Manager & Player Of The Season Awards…

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By Chris Wright

Shortly after winning the Premier League title without picking up a single Manager of the Month award for the second time in his career, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has come away with the big gong, having been named Barclays Manager of the Year.

Chelsea also broke the record for number of days at the top of the table this season having officially been first since Aug 30th, thus setting a new record of 274 days at the Premier League summit.

Derby County Won’t Back Or Sack Newcastle Target Steve McLaren

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Things are gettingmessy at Derby County. Last night, the Mail said the club asked Steve McClaren's to resign asmanagerbut McClaren didn't comply. He won'tleave without compensation.

If Derby won't back him which they won't they need to sack him.

Derby are keen to move on, lining up an approach for PaulClement, 43, Carlo Ancelotti's first-team coach at the Bernabeu, who also worked with the Italian at Chelsea and PSG.

Poole Town Fans Poised To Win Big(ish) After Placing £155 Bet On Charlie Austin Scoring For England

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By Chris Wright

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A small consortium of Poole Town fans are in line to win big(ish) after placing a £155 bet that Charlie Austin would score for England at some point in the future.

Austin was playing for Poole in the Wessex League Premier Division at the time having made his way up through the non-leagues while working as a bricklayer part-time.

Barcelona Want Arsenal’s Aaron Ramsay For £50m As Abou Diaby Returns To Football

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The Sun says Barcelona are looking to spend £50m on Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey.

The Sun says Barcelona have watched Ramsey ten times this season. And it will be 11 when they comes to see him play in the FA Cup final.

This is, of course, how greedy and charmless Barcelona conduct their transfer business: they bombard the mediawith praise for their target.

Mystery Of Manchester United Star Luke Shaw’s Head Injury Highlights Ignorance Over Brain Damage

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What's wrong with Manchester United's LukeShaw? Gareth Southgate says Shaw's omission fromEngland's Under-21European Championship squad is down to aninjury he cannot tell us about.

Reportsare thatManchester United have ordered the England U21 coach not toreveal the nature of Shaw'sillness.

Retro Football: A Selection Of Weapons Found On The Stoke City Terraces In 1975

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Retro Football: This is collection of weapons left on the Stoke City terraces and removed from fans in 1975. The police display includes: belts, razors, knives, an axe, scissors, a golf ball and, most strangley, a hairbrush.

More photographs ofthedark days of British football hooliganism can be seen here and here.

LMA Prescribe Yoga, Cabbage And ‘Meditating While Brushing Your Teeth’ To Help Football Managers Combat Stress

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By Chris Wright

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"Have you brushed today Louis?"

With their collective nerves well and truly frayed as the season drawsto a close, the LMA have taken steps to preventthe collective managers of the Premier League and Football League alike succumb to stress-related disorders.

Cristiano Ronaldo Has A Special Message For Steven Gerrard (Video)

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By Chris Wright

No teary-eyed histrionics from Cristiano, just a firm and frank "good luck with your life"...

That moment when you realise Cristiano Ronaldo has the exact same hair as Phil/Lil from the Rugrats...

(Via Liverpool FC)

Official: Xavi Signs For Qatari Club Al Sadd On Two-Year Deal, Catalan Hair Gel Salesmen Mourn In Unison

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By Chris Wright

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Today marks the end of an era with the formal announcement that Barcelona stalwart Xavi has officially signed with Qatari side Al Sadd on a two-plus-one-year deal, just as it was reported back inMarch.

Don't it just make you a bit.

Charlie Austin And Jamie Vardy Earn First England Call-Ups As Latest Squad Announced

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By Chris Wright

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Roy Hodgson has announced his England squad for the upcoming friendly against Republic of Ireland and the Euro 2016 qualifier against Slovenia and the headlinenews is that both QPR striker Charlie Austin and Leicester City forward Jamie Vardy have both received their first ever senior international call-ups, as well as Burnley goalkeeper Tom Heaton.

Desperate Arsenal Fan Asks The Queen To Help Him Get FA Cup Final Tickets, Gets Response From Buckingham Palace (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Loves a good kick-about does our Liz

With FA Cup finalists Arsenal and Aston Villa only receiving paltry 25,000 ticket allocations for a game being stagedina 90,000-capacity stadium, fans of both teams have faced something of a mad dash for seats.

Everton Roll Out New 2015/16 Umbro Home Strip, Training Kit Is The Real Star (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having teased the release yesterday with a helping hand from the cutest cast of models you're ever likely to see, Everton have now rolled out their new Umbro kits for 2015/16 in earnest.

Sadly, the models this time round are a lot less adorable.

Agent Claims £900k-A-Week Won’t Keep Raheem Sterling At Liverpool, Calls Jamie Carragher A ‘Knob’

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By Chris Wright

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Wonderful. Just when you thought the Raheem Sterling saga may reach a resolution with at least a minuscule slither of dignity, the Liverpool winger's Mr 15% goes and atomises all trace of professionalism.

Sterling's agent Aidy Ward has been heavily criticised from all quarters for his role in the increasingly tedious Sterling quagmire, but he's repeatedly held his ground while hinting that it was Liverpool themselves who leaked details of the negotiations and dragged it all out into the open in the first place, not him.

Beyonce Impresses Chile Football Fans With Her Knowledge Of Arturo Vidal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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The game's great and good

While swanningthrough Haiti yesterday, Beyonce stumbled across a small group of football fans at Port au Prince airportwho decided to test her knowledge of South American football culture.

Chelsea Will Make Walcott And Oxlade-Chamberlain Into ‘Top Players’ But Only If Cech Signs For Arsenal

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"Here, let me help you become a top player"

More Transfer Balls now as the Sun tells us that Chelsea will let Arsenal sign Petr Cech so long as they send Theo Walcott or Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain the other way.

Perhaps Jose Mourinho plans to playAlex in goal as Cech's replacement?

A Rotting Fish: It’s Time For Arsenal To Say Goodbye To Arsene Wenger

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By Sam Diss

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Hey, remember when Arsenal were good? I do. Just about.

If you were, say, an Arsenal-supporting thirteen year old and judging from their social media presence, I'm guessing that there are quite a few pre-pubescents among their following, like a footballing One Direction, each one writing erotic Mesut/Alexis slash-fiction with furious regularity you would likely not remember.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United’s Raheem Sterling Bid Is Only About The Money

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TheTimes' story thatManchester United have asked Liverpool about their willingness to sell Raheem Sterling has been replayed throughout themainstream media.

But the news is thin.

The Times' leads sports story begins and ends withUnited askingLiverpool "for an indication of how much it would cost to buy the unsettled 20-year-old".

Transfer Balls: Chelsea & Man City Going For A (Alex) Song, Hummels Pummels Man Utd Move, Liverpool Vie For Vidal

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Big Guns Going For A Song

After a decent season with West Ham, Alex Song has piqued the interest of both Chelsea and Manchester City, according to the Mail.

Transfer Balls: Manchester United’s Raheem Sterling Bid Is Only About The Money

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TheTimes' story thatManchester United have asked Liverpool about their willingness to sell Raheem Sterling has been replayed throughout themainstream media.

But the news is thin.

The Times' leads sports story begins and ends withUnited askingLiverpool "for an indication of how much it would cost to buy the unsettled 20-year-old".

Snapshot: Sunderland Survive For Another Season After Valiant Draw Against Arsenal

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By Alan Duffy

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Sunderland secured their Premier League status for another season after battling to a 0-0 draw at the Emirates. A rather leggy Arsenal dominated the game, firing in a total of 28 shots, however the Black Cats stood firm to earn that all-important point which keeps them in the top-tier for another season.

Media Balls: Paul Pogba’s Fee Tumbles In The Tabloids As Chelsea And Manchester United Watch With Interest

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The Daily Express's sports desk continues to operate in thetwilight zone betweenfootball facts and football balls. The Express has been writing lots and lots about Juventus star Paul Pogba, and how he is one his way to Manchester United, Manchester City, Chelsea, PSG or any other super-richclub the Express can think of.

Former Arsenal Poser Nicklas Bendtner Claims He Is A ‘Tiger That Will Fight Till The End’

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A caged tiger...with a sore throat and a tickly cough

Former Arsenal striker/poser Nicklas Bendtner is the gift who keeps on giving.

Talking about his career atBundesliga club Wolfburg he joined them just 10 months ago, it should be noted Bendtner offered this:

"Anyone who wants to write shit about me, and try to put me down, go ahead.

Retro Football: 13 Great Archive Photos Of The 1939 FA Cup

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On April 29th1939 Portsmouth defeatedWolverhampton Wanderers 4–1 in the FA Cup Final. The Second World War meant the nextFA Cup final was not heldagain til 1946.

These photographs are of that very FA Cup season...

3rd January 1939: Three Tottenham Hotspur FC soccer players looking at their new numbered football shirts for the third round FA cup tie against Watford at White Hart Lane, London.

KABOOM! Ernesto Cristaldo Gets Dream Connection On Absolutely Ballistic 45-Yard Rasper (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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In which The Strongest (of Bolivia) wingerErnesto Cristaldo demonstrates the positive power of having the ball sit upjuuust right for you, nigh-onbegging you to ram your laces right through it.

This, too, coming just five minutes into The Strongest's recent 2-2 draw withWilstermann.

Manchester United’s Luke Shaw Out Of England U21s But Spurs Harry Kane Gets Picked

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Gareth Southgate has announced his 27-strong England Under21 European Championship squad for this summer's tournament in theCzech Republic.Manchester United's Luke Shaw is out, but Crystal Palace's Wilfried, Spurs' Harry Kane, Everton'sJohn Stones, Arsenal's Calum Chambers and West Brom's Saido Berahinoare all included.

Moolah La! PSG Pay Out Highest Wages In All Of Sport As Football Teams Litter The Top 10 Again

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By Chris Wright

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Not that it's much of a shock considering they're owned by the investment arm of one of the richest sovereign wealth funds in the world, but PSG are currently haemorrhaging the highest wages not only in football, but in all of sport.

Snapshot: Everton Use Some Of Their Youngest Fans To Launch New 2015/16 Home Kit

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By Chris Wright

Ahead of the full reveal which is coming tomorrow, Everton and Umbro have employed some of the club's youngest fans to tease the unveiling of their new 2015/16 home kit.

Featuring an entire maternity ward's worth of little pink fans, Umbro have emphasised their "Born EFC" launch slogan by dressing the wee nippers up in tiny versions of the new strips.

FC Cologne Thank Fans For Loyal Support By Laying On ‘Survival Party’ (With Two-For-One Beers) After Final Game Of Season

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By Chris Wright

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Just as Wolfsburg seek to destroy our faith in the future of our race, FC Cologne go and restore in a heartbeat.

It's a difficult old season for Cologne, who spent the majority of the year down in the mire before a string of decent lateresults hauled them clear of both the relegation zone and the relegation play-off position with one game left to play.

The World And The State Thereof: Wolfsburg Launch Their Own In-House FIFA 15 ‘E-Sport’ Football Team

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By Chris Wright

The dynamic duo with thumbs of steel

VfL Wolfsburg have become the first Bundesliga side to launch their very own in-house computer game "e-sports" team.

That is to say, the German clubhave signed up two expert professional gamers,Benedict'Salz0r' Salzer and Daniel 'Dani' Fink, to officially represent the club at competitive gaming tournaments.

Transfer Balls: Citizens Set On Sterling, Chelsea Eye Ibrahimovic, Man Utd Sound Out Cillesen

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Citizens Ready For Raheem

What would the newspaper do without Raheem Sterling, eh! The omnipresent Liverpool man has now been linked with a £40million move to Manchester City, according to the Mirror.

Hallelujah And Glory Be, The 2014/15 A-League Bloopers Are Finally Upon Us! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's A-League blooper time folks, and this year's crop isas spectacular as ever. What a league. What a country.

And yes, the 2014/15 gag reeldoes feature the 84-year-old Australian FC chairman chucking himself off stage. No need to worry.

Dortmund Coach Jurgen Klopp To Receive Special ‘Caricature’ Carpet As Farewell Gift (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

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As his imminent departure draws ever nearer, Borussia Dortmund fans are preparing to send Jurgen Klopp off in the manner befitting a man who, if only fleetingly, brought the good times back to German football's perennial bridesmaids.

Done Deal: Chelsea Melon Scott Sinclair Leaves Manchester City For A New Dawn At Aston Villa

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It's a done deal Scott Sinclair has moved from Manchester City to Aston Villa on a four-year contract. Not that he played much for the Citizens since joining them in2012 for £8m, being picked for just two Premier League starts.

He spent the seasonon loan toWest Brom in 2013, where he doubled his City tally tofour league starts; and has been at Villa since January,scoring three goals in 11 appearances, five of them Premier League starts.

Manchester United And the Saxophone Lady: Watch Louis Van Gaal’s Great Speech At The Team Awards (Full Transcript)

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Back tothe Manchester United player of the year awards, where managerLouis van Gaal is delivering what ex-England cricket captain Michael Vaughan called the"greatest speech of all time". Followinggoalkeeper David De Gea taking both the Players' Player and Fans' Player of the Year prizes and an introduction fromJim Rosenthal,Van Gaal took the microphone.

A Well-Oiled Louis Van Gaal Enjoys Himself At Man Utd Player Of The Year Bash (Video & Vines)

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By Alan Duffy

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A likely third-place finish after spending £150million last summer may not seem like anything to celebrate, but on Tuesday night at the Manchester United Player of the Year awards, manager Louis van Gaal was in the mood for a party.

Raheem Sterling Wins Liverpool Young Player Of The Year Award: Photos

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You see, Raheem, Sterling. You can win trophies at Liverpool. Below you can see Sterling holding his Young Player of the Year Award.

Liverpool's despondent fans will not spot Sterling's agent, Aidy Ward, who has been instrumental in the PR disaster that has seen Liverpool's brightest, most-wanted and underpaid talent present himself as a money-hungry selfish berk out for all the personal glory he can get.

Media Balls: Ruben Loftus-Cheek Is Apparently Finished At Chelsea After 141 Mins Of Premier League Football

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Chelsea won the Premier League by a mile. Comfortablythe best team in the country, the Blues were forced, by dint ofwinning the title early, to play West Bromwich Albion with nothing meaningful at stake.

As Jose Mourinho put it in the post-match debriefing, Chelsea lost because their rivals "let us winthe title so easily".

Newcastle United 2015/16 Kit Contains Worrying Amounts Of ‘Glasgow Rangers’ Blue (Leaked Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It would appear that the new Newcastle United kits for the 2015/16 Championship season (we jest of course...or do we?) have been leaked all over social media today.

The design shows the standard black and white stripes but with a creeping presence of a very familiar shade of blue.

‘A Beautiful P***y But It Doesn’t Get Me Horny’ – Antonio Cassano Snubs Juventus With Least Poetic Metaphor Imagineable

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By Chris Wright

Antonio the lothario

What with Antonio Cassano having been a free agent since he left destitute Parma earlier in the season, word on the wire in Italy is that Juventus are keen to bring the 32-year-old in on a cheapo deal.

However, the man himself doesn't appear quite so keen on the idea, telling a television show that the prospect of a dalliance with the Old Lady doesn't exactly get his engine revving.

‘It Was A Human Error’ – Wembley Stadium Apologise For Misspelling ‘Middlesbrough’ On Play-Off Final Tickets

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By Chris Wright

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Wembley Stadium has issued a frank and forthright apology to Middlesbrough fans after noticing they had spelled the club's name incorrectly on the tickets for this coming Monday's Championship play-off final.

Middlesbroughare due to play Norwich in the big Premier League promotion blow-out at Wembley but not according to the tickets, tickets that have 'Middlesborough' pitted against The Canaries.

10 Fantastic Photos Of The Young Andrea Pirlo

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By Chris Wright

Today is Andrea Pirlo's birthday, with Juventus' midfielder metronome turning 36 years young! Long may he reign.

However, long before the dreamy facial topiary, the personal vineyard and the effortless cool came this a spindly, slightly gawky teenager who struggled to fit in for a fair old while.

Blackpool Release 17 Players In One Fell Swoop, Left With Just 10 Players Under Contract

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By Chris Wright

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With the club relegated from the Championship in mournful fashion amid scathing fan protests, the latest instalment in the ongoing tragicomedy that is Blackpool FC is perhaps the most inevitable.

Having started the season with just eight senior players on their books, the Tangerines are ending it in a similarly barren state having released 17 players today in one mass exodus.

Manchester United: Bryan Robson and Dennis Irwin Launch Official Wedding Service

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Is there anything Manchester United cannot do to build the brand? Before the weekend'smatch with Arsenal, Manchester United fan Norrapon Phadungthai, from Bangkok, Thailand, proposed to his girlfriend Wana Tripongruttanakul in front of Bryan Robson.

In the old days, retiredfootballers chose life in a newsagent, sports shop orpub.

35 Seconds And Out: West Brom Boss Tony Pulis Delivers Lightning Fast Press Conference (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not one to hang about is Tony Pulis, with the West Brom manager delivering one of the fastest press conferences in living memory after his side's impressive 3-0 win over Chelsea at the Hawthorns last night a remarkable result you think he'd want to stay around and gab about for a bit.

Random Great Goals: Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink Free-Kick Almost Breaks The Sound Barrier, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Thanks largely to his ability to shoot with raw, thumping power and surgical precision, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink bowed out witha procession of spectacular goals to his name.

Perhaps the archetypal Hasselbaink dead-ball humper came during his Middlesbrough days, with this nigh-on supersonic free-kick scored in a 1-1 draw with Man City in 2005.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal Move For Milner, Bayern Bid £100m For Hazard, Liverpool Dig Deep for Dzeko

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Milner Mulls Over Move From Etihad To Emirates

The Daily Starreboot theJames-Milner-to-Arsenal story, claiming that the Man City midfielder is planning to snub a megabucks new deal with the Citizens and move to the Emirates.

Raheem Sterling Leaving Liverpool Delays Man Attending Birth Of His First Child (Audio)

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On talkSPORT last night, a phone-in caller is outside a hospital in Colchester, Essex.

Inside, his wife is busy giving birth to their first son but instead the fan wants to chatabout Liverpool and their little Raheem Sterling-shaped problem.

We can only imagine that his wife is/was positively thrilled with the order of his priorities.

Why ‘Very Average’ Adam Lallana Embodies Everything That Is Wrong With Liverpool

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Secured from Southampton for£25million, Adam Lallana became Liverpool's priciestarrival during last summer's£117million spendingspree.

He's hardly set Anfield alight, making 22 starts and scoring 6 goals in an injury-hit debut season a season the man himself has described as "very average".

Valencia Wear Special Kit With Names Written In Nepali To Help Raise Money For Earthquake Victims

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By Chris Wright

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Here's one we missed from the weekend. Valencia's players turned out for their game against Celta Vigo on Sunday wearing their names in Nepalion the back of their kits in a bid to raise money for victims of the massive earthquakes that have devastated the country in recent weeks.

Liverpool Fan Finds Quick And Easy Way To Modify His Raheem Sterling Shirt (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With Raheem Sterling seemingly mincingtoward the Anfield exit door, one irked Liverpool fan was left wondering just what to do with the Sterling replica shirt he'd spent good money on.

Thankfully, a solution was quick to materialise...

Well, that was easier than I expected pic.

Sunderland Striker Danny Graham Donates £2,000 To Cover Cost Of Non-League Player’s Career-Saving Surgery

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By Chris Wright

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He's been keeping it quiet, butSunderland striker Danny Graham has donated £2,000 of his own money to help cover the cost of a non-league player's potentially career-saving surgery.

Gateshead FC midfielder JJ O'Donnell suffers from a rare condition calledsesamoidtis, which causes inflammation in the bonesin his toes whenever he puts any pressure on them.

Raheem Sterling Quits Liverpool To Spend Time With His Money

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Laughing all the way to the bank

Last night the BBC reported that Raheem Sterling was arranging hisLiverpool departure. Given that the talented, underpaid and pragmatic Sterling had chosen to tell the BBC of his desires for glittering success and admirationfor Arsenal in a TV interview, the source is less speculative than most.

West Brom 3-0 Chelsea: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Champions Chelsea suffered their third league defeat of the season in a rather bizarre game at the Hawthorns.

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The Baggies took a surprise lead after just nine minutes, courtesy of a fine long-range striker from Saido Berahino.

Predictable: Raheem Sterling Asks To Leave Liverpool

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The BBC's Ben Smith says Raheem Sterling will askLiverpoolto let him leave the club when he meetsthe club'schief executive Ian Ayre on Friday.

A fee of £35m is mooted.

Liverpool, of course, offered Sterling £100,000-a-week to stay at the club. Theyshould have paid him more than £35,000-a-week when they negotiated his last contract.

Watch Chelsea’s Cesc Fabregas Get Sent Off For This Precise Kick Into Chris Brunt’s Head

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Chelsea's Cesc Fabregas has ended his season early by getting sent off at West Bromwich Albion for this red-card offence sending the ball into Chris Brunt's head:

Fbregas sees red for kicking ball at Brunt after Costa had been yellow carded.

World Cup 2022: BBC journalists Jailed For Doing Journalism In Qatar

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A typical camp for migrant workers

The Qatari government wanted to showinvited journalists how well it's treating migrantworkers toiling on its 2022 World Cup Sandlantis.But four BBC journalists thought it an idea to do some actual journalism, peeling away from the group to see things not on the official tour.

Red Mist: Peruvian Referee Sends Off Four Alianza Lima Players And Their Manager In Stormy Three-Minute Blitz (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite getting to the 86th minute with a full compliment of personnel to their name, Peruvian side Club Alianza Lima somehow managed to end their recent Primera Division game against league leadersReal Garcilaso having hadfour players sent-off and their coach banished from the touchline.

Leicester City Players’ £6m Survival Bonus Is 18 Times More Than England’s World Cup Winners Earned

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The end of the Premier League season is marked byall Premier Leaguefootballer, however good or bad they've played, navigatingthelapof honour, their kids takingpenalties on the hallowed turf and bonuses.

Leicester City's players, for instance, will sharean extra £6million if they defeatQueens Park Rangers in their final game.

Leicester City: Players’ £6m Bonus Is 18 Times More Than England’s World Cup Winners Earned

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The end of the Premier League season is marked byall Premier Leaguefootballer, however good or bad they've played, navigatingthelapof honour, their kids takingpenalties on the hallowed turf and bonuses. Leicester City's players, for instance, will sharean extra £6 million if they defeatQueens Park Rangers in their final game.

8-Bit Football Recreate Roberto Carlos’ Famous Free-Kick Against France In Sensible Soccer Form (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Having knocked out tons of brilliant retropixelatedimages over the years, the chaps over at 8-Bit Football have finally produced their very first video tribute.

First to received thehonour is Roberto Carlos, with the tree-trunk-thighed Brazilian'sBarthez-bamboozling free-kick against Les Bleusin the 1997 Tournoi de France recreated Sensible Soccer style by utilising Sensi's infamously fiddly shot swerve.

Shit Lookalikes: That Gary Neville Tattoo & The ‘Chest Burster’ From Alien…

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By Chris Wright

Cracking spot from Pies fan Michael, who noticed that the decidedly iffy Gary Neville tattoo we featured the other day bears an uncanny resemblance to the gory scene in Alien when John Hurt has his visceral organs rearranged by a chest-burster.

Adidas Kill Off The Predator After 20+ Years, Revolutionise Entire Boot Line With New ‘X’ And ‘Ace’ Designs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Huge news in the football boot world today with the announcement from Adidas that the Predator is no more.

*Gasp*

Adidas are "revolutionising" their boot stable, meaningthat other long-standing family favourites such as the F50 and Adipure 11Pro, as well as the less established Nitrocharge, are also being Ol' Yeller-ed.

Wonderkid Watch: Arsenal Sign 11-Year-Old Charlie Patino

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Where were you when you first saw Arsenal's latest recruit11-year-old Charlie Patino? The Gunners have just handed Luton Town£10,000 in compensation for the 'wonderkid', as they must always be called by law.

The story goes that Manchester City tried to tempt the lad to their northern pastures but Master Patinodeclined he lives inSt Albans and the M1 school-run could be a bit of a bugger.

Manchester United Boss Louis Van Gaal Sings About Louis Van Gaal Outside Old Trafford (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What with Manchester United tying up a return to the Champions League with their 1-1 draw against Arsenal on Sunday, there was a distinct levity around Old Trafford after the match as the team waved goodbye for another year (their final fixture being away at Hull City).

Wonderkid Watch: Arsenal Sign 11-Year-Old Charlie Patino

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Where were you when you first saw Arsenal's latest recruit11-year-old Charlie Patino? The Gunners have just handed Luton Town£10,000 in compensation for the 'wonderkid', as they must always be called.

The story goes that Manchester City tried to tempt the lad to their northern pastures but Master Patinodeclined he lives inSt Albans and M1 school-run could be a bit of a bugger.

PSG’s David Luiz Vows To Abstain From Sex Until He’s Married After Being Baptised In Maxwell’s Swimming Pool

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By Chris Wright

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PSG defender David Luiz has vowed to abstain from sex until he gets married after recently getting himself baptised in the swimming pool at the home of teammate Maxwell.

The 28-year-old has made no secret of his Christian leanings in the past but has now sealed the deal by clambering into his white jim-jams and going for a dunk with his friends from thePentecostal Hillsong Church in Paris.

LA Galaxy Produce Amusing ‘Highlights’ Package After 4-0 Orlando City Drubbing (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having been drubbed to the tune of 4-0byOrlando City on Sunday, the LA Galaxy media department were left with the unenviable task of cobbling together a Youtube highlights package of their side's heavy trouncing.

So, taking a leaf out of Doncaster Rovers' book (all 14 seconds of it), the Galaxy decided to press on and make the best of what they'd got.

Clanger: Brest Goalkeeper Johan Hartock Scores Spectacularly Rubbish Own Goal In Ligue 2 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Making a right tit of himself (sorry, we couldn't help ourselves), here's Brest goalkeeper Johan Hartock combining with his defence to score a brilliant, multi-stage own goal against Troyes in Ligue 2 on Fridayevening.

Faced with a slow if slightly awkward lobbed back-pass, Hartock reacted ridiculously late, allowing the ball to bounce clear over his head.

Brazil National Team Allegedly Have Contract With Saudi Company That Forces Them To Pick ‘Marketable’ Players

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By Chris Wright

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Sao Paulo-basednewspaper Estadao have gone big over the weekend with claims that they have uncovered proof that the Brazilian national team is being selected based on eachplayer's "marketability" and has been for almost a decade.

Hull City’s Jake Livermore Needs Help Not The Sun’s Hypocrisy

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The Sun says "Good riddance" to Hull City's Jake Livermore who faces the "sack over drugs shame". A routine drugs test revealed traces of cocainein Livermore's urine. The club suspended him. His future is uncertain. Livermore is an idiot in need of help.

But for the Sun to attack the player whotook a non-performance enhancing drug thatcheats only his teammates is lamentable.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Yearn For Yaya, Bournemouth Longing For Lambert, Liverpool Jostle For Jovetic

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Blues Yearning For Yaya

Chelsea are planning a surprise move for Yaya Touré, accoring to the Telegraph (via the Express).

Transfer Balls: Blues Yearn For Yaya, Cherries Longing For Lambert, Liverpool Jostle For Jovetic

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Blues Yearning For Yaya

Chelsea are planning a surprise move for Yaya Touré, accoring to the Telegraph (via the Express).

Manchester United: David De Gea Knows That In Real Madrid You Win Even When You Lose

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So. Is David De Gea leavingManchester United for the madness, money and glory ofReal Madrid? We don't know. The player said nothing as he walked off injured after 74 minutes of United's 1-1 draw against Arsenal yesterday.

He said nothing much on social media, either, tweeting his thanks for United's 'unbelievable" support and inviting everyone to join him in the hope his injury is not too serious.

Fabio Cannavaro Makes Small But Critical Error In Steven Gerrard Facebook Tribute (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With the great and the good (and the ) lining up to pay homage to dearly departing Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard, it was Fabio Cannavaro whostole the show with a truly moving farewell message posted onFacebook earlier today.

There was one small error, however.

Sealed WIth A Miss: Best Reactions To Phil Jones’ Tackle On Giroud For Manchester United Against Arsenal

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Manchester United's Phil Jones just wanted it more than Arsenal's Olivier Giroud. Some say it wanted to eat it, others that he wanted to balance it on his nose and be rewarded with a large raw herring.

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That Jones face tackle has garnered a few choice reactions on twitter:

You're all laughing at Phil Jones, but that's what raw desire looks like.

Man Utd 1-1 Arsenal: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

A late own-goal from Tyler Blackett all but handed Arsenal a third-place finish in this season's Premier League after a 1-1 draw at Old Trafford.

The hosts started well against an Arsenal side who looked somewhat disinterested.

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Swansea 2-4 Man City: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City tightened their grip on a Premier League runner-up spot on Sunday with a 4-2 win at the Liberty Stadium.

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The hosts started brightly with Bafetimbi Gomis and Nathan Dyer both going close.

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Grace Personified: Phil Jones Slide Tackles Olivier Giroud With His Face In Super Slow Motion (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Phil Jones slide tackles Olivier Giroud successfully we might add using themost intimidating weapon in his arsenal: his dementedgoblin face...

Phil Jones summed up in one video.

Gareth Bale And His PR Machine Agitate For A Move To Manchester United

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Gareth Balewants to leave Real Madrid, reports the Sunday Times. The paper says Bale is "angling" for a return to the Premier League. And only Manchester United, Manchester City or Chelsea could afford him. Why? Well, we learn:

The Welshman's representatives have promised to bring the Madrid president, Florentino Perez, a profit on the £85m his club paid Tottenham for Bale two summers ago should he sanction a deal.

Australian FA Chairman Frank Lowy Falls Off Stage During A-League Final Trophy Presentation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One for the 2014/15 A-League blooper reel: Here's 84-year-old FFA chairman Frank Lowy taking a wee tumble while attempting to presentMelbourne Victory with the A-League Grand Final trophy last night...

GIF version, just in case...

How strange that nobody seems in the slightest bit concerned that an octogenarian has just fallen head-first off a six-foot plinth.

Arsenal Need A Big Cech To Replace Szczesny And The Accountant

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So. Is Arsène Wenger going to bring PeterCech from Chelsea to Arsenal? When asked that question yesterday,Wenger replied:

"I don't deal with the ‘if'...We have world-class goalkeepers, we've got three. That's a very tricky question because we are not interested in anybody at the moment.

Steven Gerrard Can’t Wait To Escape The Liverpool Fishbowl For Life In LA

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Steven Gerrard has been talking aboutlife after Liverpool with the Telegraph's Jason Burt.

Gerrardcannot walk through his home city without someone recognising him. Of course, spotting Gerrard driving or shoppingin theLiverpool area is no great surprise; the real thrill is spotting the star in an unlikely setting, like seeingJose Mourinhoat Chessington World of Adventure or Zico in Lidl.

Steven Gerrard Can’t Wait To Escape The Liverpool Fishbowl For Life In LA

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Steven Gerrard has been talking aboutlife after Liverpool with the Telegraph's Jason Burt. Gerrardcannot walk through his home city without someone recognising him. Of course, spotting Gerrard driving or shoppingin theLiverpool area is no great surprise; the real thrill is spotting the star in an unlikely setting, like seeingJose Mourinhoat Chessington World of Adventure or Zico in Lidl.

Arsenal Need A Big Cech To Replace Szczesny And The Accountant

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So. Is Arsène Wenger going to bring PeterCech from Chelsea to Arsenal? When asked that question yesterday,Wenger replied:

"I don't deal with the ‘if'...We have world-class goalkeepers, we've got three. That's a very tricky question because we are not interested in anybody at the moment.

Liverpool 1-3 Crystal Palace: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace proved to be party poopers at Anfield on Saturday, beating Liverpool 3-1 on Stevie G's big day.

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The emotionally-charged entrance of Gerrard, in his final Anfield appearance for the Reds has already been covered by Pies here, but the game itself started with Crystal Palace the better side early on.

The Mané Man: Southampton Winger Sadio Scores Fastest Hat-Trick In Premier League History (Video & Vine)

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By Alan Duffy

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In their last home game of the season, Southampton gave their fans a fine farewell gift, courtesy of a 6-1 drubbing of Aston Villa. Central to that result was an incredible hat-trick from Sadio Mané which clocked in at just two minutes and fifty-six seconds, smashing Robbie Fowler's 21-year record (4:33) to make it the quickest hat-trick in Premier League history.

Snapshot: Fantastic Foxes Survive For Another Premier League Season After Goalless Draw At Sunderland

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By Alan Duffy

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Courtesy of a truly outstanding run of the form at the death, Leicester City secured their Premier League survival on Saturday afternoon after drawing 0-0 away atrelegation-threatenedSunderland.

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With Hull going down 2-0 away at Totttenham, Nigel Pearson's charges were assured top-tier football next season, thanks to theirmonumentalhaul of 19 points from their last eight games.

Stevie’s Big Day: Liverpool Legend Gerrard Walks Out At Anfield One Last Time (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few choice photos from Stevie's big day...

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Horror Hair: Tottenham Defender Danny Rose Berated By Fans After Turning Up With Red Hair (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

So, Tottenham defender Danny Rose has opted for this particular shade of red fortoday'sgame against Hull City...

Hmmm.Of all the hair dyes in all the world, he had to pick Arsenal red.

It should be noted that there are certain Spurs fans out there who despise the Gunners colours so much that they actively refuse to wear the club's current home shirt because ofthe red AIA logo on the front.

Manchester United: David De Gea’s Move To Real Madrid Exposes What They’ll Be Missing

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Manchester United's David de Geacontinues to dither over a new £200,000-a-week contact (well, so says the Times; the same contract is valued at £140,000-a-week in the Daily Mirror).

The Daily Telegraph says Manchester United are making moves for De Gea'sreplacement, and Chelsea's Peter Cech is in the frame.

Shit Football Kits: All Hail Seoul E-Land FC’s New Neon Cheetah Print Monstrosity (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having only formed last year, South Korean second division side Seoul E-Land FC have designed themselves a new home shirt.

It is deep blue and cheetah-print, inspired by the golden cheetahs adorning their club crest.

It is also horrendous, like something out of an IPL kit designer's fevered cheese dreams.

Turkish Manager Hit With Stadium Ban, Hires Crane To Watch Play-Off Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having been hit with a nine-month stadium ban for harassing a referee in an earlier game, the manager of Turkish third division side Corum Belediyespor was faced with the proposition of having to miss his side's crunch play-off againstDarica Genclerbirligi.

Cocaine Is A Mug’s Game: Hull City’s Jake Livermore Joins Pantheon Of Snorting Sporting Cheats

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Hull City's Jake Livermorehas tested positive for cocaine. Livermore was randomly tested afterHull had beaten Crystal Palace 2-0 onApril 25th. His managerSteveBruceis "devastated". Livermore, an £8million signing from Tottenham, has been suspended by the club.

Hull have issued a statement:

"Following suspension by the FA, the club has subsequently suspended Jake Livermore pending further investigations to be made by the FA and our own internal disciplinary procedures.

12 Epic Photos Of Liverpool Fans In The 20th Century

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On 29 April 1901, Liverpool won their first title. At the end of the 1989-1990 season, the Reds had won 17th titles.

But arguably their greatest nights were those that saw them win the Euopean Cup in 1976–77, 1977–78, 1980–81 and 1983–84.

Liverpool's glorious history is darkened by two horrors: the 1985 Heysel Stadium disaster, in which 39 Juventus supporters were killed at the Euopean Cup Final; and the FA Cup semi-final between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest at Hillsborough Stadium, Sheffield, on 15 April 1989.

Fine Lines: Hull City Suspend Midfielder Jake Livermore After Testing Positive For Cocaine

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By Chris Wright

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The only good jokes we know about cocaine are all one-liners

Hull City manager Steve Bruce, on the morning of Fri 15th May, 2015:

"We need to get a result at Tottenham to keep the fight alive and if we do that then we give ourselves a chance.

The Black-And-White Years: Man Utd Take The Train Home With The FA Cup, 1963 (Photos)

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It's25th May 1963, and Manchester United have just won the FA Cup having beatenLeicester City 3-1 in the final at Wembley this coming after the Foxes had beaten United home and away in the league already that season.

Having completed the job, United took the train home with the FA Cup in tow, with Sir Matt Busby even cracking a rare smile while posing for a photo in the buffet car with the likes of Maurice Setters, captain Noel Cantwell and their good lady wives.

Adidas Release Special Liverpool ‘YNWA’ Predator Boots For Steven Gerrard’s Final Game At Anfield (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Not only is Steven Gerrard a one-club man, he's also been a one-boot man for as much of his career as we care to recall with a pair of trusty Adidas predators accompanying him through the various highs and lows of his 17-year career.

As such, Adidas are paying tribute to Gerrard's years of loyal service by furnishing him with his very own pair of special edition Preds for his final appearance at Anfield against Crystal Palace tomorrow evening.

Retro Football: Wimbledon Players Moon In Unison During Alan Cork’s Testimonial, 1988 (Photos)

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Wonderful scenes here from back in the good old days, when a bit of gentlemanly cheek wasn't so much scorned as positively encouraged.

We join the action during Wimbledon legend Alan Cork's testimonial gameat Plough Lane in May of 1988...

To honour the increasingly bald striker's tenure, the proto-Crazy Gang offered their traditional ceremonial tribute lining up and baring their arses inunison in Cork's general direction.

17 Years, One Sensible Haircut: Steven Gerrard’s Hair Evolution Mapped Out In Football Stickers (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

There we were, busy painstakingly compiling a season-by-season photographic retrospective appraisal of Steven Gerrard's 17-year hair portfolio only forthe bloody BBC to go and steal our thunder by cobbling this little beauty together...

Steven Gerrard: 17 seasons, one sensible haircut.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd Cough Up £40m For Kane, Gunners Chase Cech, Foxes On Course For Okazaki

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Harry Headed For Old Trafford

The Times brings us a nice juicy rumour concerning Spurs goal-machine Harry Kane.

Shit Football Ink: This Chap Loves Gary Neville So Much He’s Had His Face Tattooed On His Leg (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

For reasons we fear none of us will ever fully understand, this man presumably/hopefully a Manchester United fan now has Gary Neville'sface tattooed on his leg.

Naturally.

Indeed, not content with merely showing off his latest bodily accoutrement, things then took an unsettling turn into "Play Misty For Me" territory when the superfan Tweeted Neville to not only show him his tribute but also declare his undying love for the ex-United full-back too.

Here’s Why Arsenal Are The Real Champions League Winners This Year

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By Chris Wright

Shrewd...

Arsenal to bank £3m if Barcelona win Champions League as part of Thomas Vermaelen transfer http://t.co/Aa2gycTria pic.twitter.com/a0bTSXtFT5

- Telegraph Football (@TeleFootball) May 14, 2015

Vermaelen, it should be noted, is yet to play a single competitive game for Barcelona since arriving from The Emirates last August due to his entire lower body being made from elastic bands, paper clips and warm blue tack.

Why Man Utd Would Be Mad To Buy Harry Kane From Tottenham (For £40m Or Otherwise)

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By Sam Diss

Now, stop me if I'm wrong but forty million pounds sterling is a lot of money. If you add up what everyone who'll read this article will earnin a lifetime, it'll likely barely scratch the surface.

Harry Kane is a very good footballer possibly on the verge of becoming a great one: a Great British Hope with a hammer in his boot, a knack for slow-motion dribbling and the most charming lisp this side of that weird kid from Jerry Maguire.

Superclasico Between Boca Juniors And River Plate Suspended After River Players Attacked With Pepper Spray (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

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It's always a feisty old ding-dong at the best of times, but last night's dicey meeting between Boca Juniors and River Plate in the second leg of theCopa Libertadores last 16 wentabove and beyond the usual 'Superclasico' frolics.

Tottenham Launch Brand New 2015/16 Home Kit – The One With The Flashy Sash (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After teasing it all week, Tottenham have officially unveiled their new 2015/16 home strip on Facebook this morning.

It's a tried and true template, white/navy/white, but with the addition of what they are calling a "heritage sash".

We'll freely admit at this juncture that we have no idea what a heritage sash is, but that doesn't mean we don't like it.

Chelsea Newboy Nathan Swears His Loyalty To Being Blue (Da Ba Dee)

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Chelsea are doing their transfer businessearly, investing £4.5million in 19-year-oldNathan Allan de Souzahas.

The Brazilian bought fromAtletico Paranaense didn't take long to show off his abilityto speakEnglish whilst saying nothing:

"I am very happy to be joining Chelsea, the champions of England, and I hope I will be able to learn a lot and develop my game.

Venezuelan Striker Aquiles Ocanto Has Live TV Interview Rudely Interrupted By Flying Kick To The Kidneys (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Venezuelan strikerAquiles Ocanto, who plays for the delightfully namedCarabobo FC in his native land, has his post-match interview rudely interrupted by a flying Muay Thai kick to the kidneys...

INCREIBLE.

Random Great Goals: Brad Friedel Joins The Ancient Masonic Order Of Goal-Scoring Goalies, 2004 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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"Holy crud! Total scorezone!"

We all knew this day would come eventually, but Brad Friedel has announced that he is to retire at the end of the current season.

Born in the same year the food processor was invented, Friedel will become the oldest player in Premier League history should he be given a ceremonial run-out during either of Tottenham's finaltwo games.

Warnings Issued As Ticket Prices For Steven Gerrard’s Final Liverpool Game Pass £2,600 Mark

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By Chris Wright

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Who says Stevie's already on the beach?

Stoke City have issued a warning to their fans about re-selling their tickets for the club's final home game of the season against Liverpool after it emergedprices for Steven Gerrard's farewell game have now passed the £2,500 mark.

German Lower League Club On Cusp Of Winning Title After All Other Teams Agree To Boycott Games In Protest

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By Chris Wright

German lower league sideBV Altenessen II (BVA) that's them up there are currently on the very cusp of securing theKreisliga B Group 1 Essen North West league championship title.

Indeed, it's hardly surprising that BVAfind themselves on the verge of winning the league with just six fixturesleft to play given that they'vewon 20 of their 22 games so far this season.

Poor Old Gareth Bale Abused By Furious Real Madrid Fans In Bernabeu Car Park…Again (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It was the usual Tuesday/Wednesday night rigmarole for Gareth Bale, with the Real Madrid forward spending his evening being jeered, whistled, booed and abused by his own fans after a less-than-stellar outing in the Champions League.

Madrid were dumped out by Juventus on aggregate at the Bernabeu, with Bale failing to converta string of chances over the course of the game though, admittedly, none were really of the "straightforward" variety.

Transfer Balls: Bale Bound For Man Utd, Gunners Go For Gotze, Citizens Talk About Kevin (De Bruyne)

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Bale Bound For Old Trafford

The Star, among others, is reporting that Gareth Bale is headed for Old Trafford.

Blackpool Face Legal Battle To Keep Andrea Orlandi After Triggering Midfielder’s Release Clause By Mistake

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By Chris Wright

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As if to provide the fitting end to an annus horribilis of nightmarish proportions, Blackpool have been forced to voidAndrea Orlandi's contract after accidentally triggering the midfielder's release clause without realising it.

Refreshing: Jordan Ibe To Sign £30,000-A-Week Liverpool Deal, No Agents Involved

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Jordon Ibe has agreed a new five-year contract with Liverpool, says the Times. The London-born19-year-old will earn £30,000-a-week, a huge rise on his current £6,000-a-week deal.

Brendan Rodgers was brave enough to give Ibe his firstLiverpool startin theMerseyside derby against Everton at Goodison Park in February.

Jordan Ibe To Sign £30,000-A-Week Liverpool Deal – No Agents Involved

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Jordon Ibe has agreed a new five-year contract with Liverpool, says the Times. The London-born19-year-old will earn £30,000-a-weeek, a huge rise on his current £6,000-a-week deal.

Brendan Rodgers was brave enough to give Ibe his firstLiverpool startin theMerseyside derby against Everton at Goodison Park in February.

Real Madrid – Juventus: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Juventus stunned the Bernabeu on Wednesday night, playing out a 1-1 draw to book their place in the Champions League final in Berlin.

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Ronaldo opened the scoring on 23 minutes, firing home a penalty after James Rodriguez had been felled in the box.

Patrice Evra Combats Irritating Bernabeu Ballboy With The Power Of Interpretive Dance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Other than seeing Juventus muscle in and nix the 'El Clasico final' narrative, Champions League highlight of the night as far as we're concerned was watching Patrice Evra show nigh-on superhuman amounts of restraint in not clambering over the advertising hoardings togive that bloody meddling Bernabeu ballboy a right royal rollicking.

The Black-And-White Years: 10 Fabulous Photos Of Arsenal Fans In The 1930s

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Arsenal in the 1930s were English football's most successful team. Under the coaching of club legend Herbert Chapman who joinedArsenalin 1925 from the then mighty Huddersfield Town the Gunners secured their first trophy in 1930, with a win over Huddersfield in the FA Cup Final.

That was the catharsis.

Man City Go Out Of Their Way To Wish Yaya Toure Happy Birthday, Stuff £720,000 Bonus Inside His Card

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By Chris Wright

What with the "sick snub" he received from the club last year (which later turned out to be a complete fallacy anyway), Manchester City have gone to great lengths to wish precious little petunia Yaya Toure many happy returns on his 32nd birthday today.

Snapshot: Here’s Man Utd Defender Chris Smalling With Your Local News Headline Of The Day…

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By Chris Wright

What are we saying? This is Local News Headline of the Year material right here...

Impressive. Smoke on the water. We imagine that takes some going, that.

The Manchester Evening News go into a little more detail...

Much more impressivethan Smalling's last attempt anyway.

New World Record Set As Enormous 200-Foot FC Cologne Club Crest Projected Onto Hoover Dam (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

What you see above you is FC Cologne's club crest being projected, approximately 200-feet tall on the Hoover Dam in Arizona.

Why? Well, it's all part of ascheme devised by GermanPR agency Oliver Schrott Kommunikation (OSK), who decided that splashing Hennes the goat across the dam was the best way of showing off the structure'sbrand new and extremely powerful lighting system.

Bayern Munich Celebrate Champions League Exit By Launching Swanky New 2015/16 Home Kit (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Muller kintyre, oh mist rolling in from the sea...

The timing's a little unfortunate, but Bayern Munich have picked the day after being plopped out of the Champions League to officially roll out their brand new, all-red home strip for next season.

Chelsea: Roman Abramovich’s Interest Free Loan Passes £1billion

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Chelsea were by far this season's best Premier League team. Roman Abramovich, the club's owner, must be chuffed with his side'ssuccess but was it worth it?

Fordstam, the company vehiclein control of Chelsea, has announced that Roman'sloan to the Blues has surged past the £1billion mark.

Southampton Bring In Renowned ‘Colour Psychologist’ To Help With New Kit Launch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good stuff here from Southampton who have roped in "renowned colour psychologist" Dr Barry Gale (aka, that big bloke who was in thatthing that you can't quite remember) to help the Saints squad adjust and embrace the club's new #ShowYourStripes kit launch campaign.

Idiotic Toronto FC Fan Fired From His Job After Yelling ‘F**k Her In The P***y’ During Pre-Game Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A Toronto FC fan has been unceremoniously fired from his job at a Canadian electricity company after summoning up every last inch of his wit and intellectto yell "F**k her right in the p***y" during a live pre-match interview.

According to various reports, Hydro One employee Shawn Simoes has been relieved of his duties at the company over his part in the hilarious prank, which emanates from a debunked viral video that first did the rounds on the internet almost three years ago.

Why Tottenham Fans Are Mad (And Totally Wrong) About Their New Kit

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By Sam Diss

What is it about football fans that make them think that they deserve the best at all times?

Oh. The money. Yeah, forgot about that. All that money.

Fair but specifically, why do fans always kick up a fuss when it comes to new kits? I can only imagine the sleepless nights poordesigners have over being unlucky enough to produce a kit that will be worn by a bunch of millionaires playing football in front of literallymillions of spectators.

Retro Football: Zvonimir Boban Kicks Policeman During Infamous 1990 Clash Between Dinamo Zagreb And Red Star Belgrade (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

On this day (13th May) in 1990, a football game between Dinamo Zagreb and Red Star Belgrade at the Maksimir Stadium in Zagreb proved to be a seminalmoment in the horrific break-up of Yugoslavia.

Thisclash of two fierce rivals came not long after Croatia, courtesy of their first proper elections in nearly 50 years, had voted for independence from Yugoslavia, a country on the verge of collapse.

10 Most Disappointing Premier League Players Of 2014/15

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By Chris Wright

With end-of-season awards and adulation coming thick and fast at the moment, Pies thought we'd get all up on our high horse and cast a beady eye in the direction of the players that have completely underwhelmed us over the course of 2014/15.

10.

Random Great Goals: Nwankwo Kanu Softly Destroys Middlesbrough With Cute-As-A-Button Backheel, 1999 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For a man who was clearly pushing senior citizenship, shared the same bodily proportions as Olive Oyland had a hole in his heart, Nwankwo Kanu was one hell of a footballer.

Lithe, lanky, lumbering, fairly unathletic and incrediblyslow, nothing about Kanu should have worked but that touch, oh that glorious touch.

US Women’s Striker Abby Wambach Scores Ruthless Goal While Ireland Goalkeeper Checks On Injured Teammate (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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We're a little late on the uptake here so humble apologies where due, but the US Womens' side beatthe Republic of Ireland 3-0 in a pre-World Cup warm-up game in San Jose on Sunday afternoon.

Just when it looked like Ireland were going to make it to the interval with a clean sheet the US struck two minutes before half-time following a disastrous string of events.

Transfer Balls: Sterling Set On London Move, Man City Tout Touré For Pogba, Wenger Vies For Van Dijk

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Sterling Going South

The Mail, cleverly combining its property and sports sections,reports that Raheem Sterling has put his Liverpool house on the market, and is now looking for a new abode in that London.

Robbed: Eden Hazard Pips 2015 FWA Footballer Of The Year Award From Under Esteban Cambiasso’s Nose

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By Chris Wright

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Having already snaffled up the PFA Player of the Year award a week or two back, Chelsea forward Eden Hazard has today completed the setafter also being voted the Football Writers' Association Footballer of the Year(i.

Norwegian TV Show ‘Golden Goal’ Return With Latest Bonkers Experiment: Bird’s Eye View Football (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So far the chaps over at Norwegian television show 'Golden Goal' have brought us Bubble Football, Electric Shock Football and 22 Amateurs vs 11 Pros Footballin the past, but their latest pioneering experimental spin on the tired old football format may be their wappiest to date.

John Terry Celebrates Reaching One Million Instagram Followers With Photo Of His Massive Trophy Haul

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By Chris Wright

To celebrate the momentous achievement of winning a fourthPremier League title with Chelseaamassing one million followers on Instagram, John Terry posted a special photo of himself to his account last night showing off his incredibly impressive career trophy haul (and some lovely balloons).

Arsenal 0-1 Swansea: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal failed to make any ground on second-placed Manchester City after suffering a shock defeat at home to a well-drilled Swansea City side.

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Olivier Giroud did go close early on, heading over in what was a dull first-half.

Preston Striker Jermaine Beckford Bangs 55-Yarder In From Half-Way In League One Play-Off Semi (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Already leading 1-0 afterthe first leg, Preston North End did a bit of a number on Chesterfield in the second leg of their League One play-off semi-final at Deepdale on Sunday, spanking the Spireites 3-0 and thus booking themselves a berth in the Wembley final in fine style.

Sunday League FAIL Of The Day: Instant Karma Takes Care Of Lightning-Footed ‘Trickster’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Such poise, such speed, such skill, such technical abilit...oh.

(Turn the sound on for full effect)

Of course, when we said "instant karma" what we actually mean was "big, burly defender who's had quite enough of this nonsense".

From the German Kreisliga (i.

Snapshot: Gerard Pique Shows Off His Impressive Swapped Shirt Collection…

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By Chris Wright

With a couple of hours to kill over the weekend, Gerard Pique decided to clear out his wardrobe.

It just so happens that stuffed down the back, in a couple of old bin bags, was the Barcelona centre-halves collection of swapped shirts.

As it happens, it's really quite impressive.

Bayern Munich Coach Pep Guardiola Puts 200 Million Kiboshes On Those Man City Rumours

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By Chris Wright

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"Can I just stop you there?"

No doubt you're aware, but there was a ripple of tittle-tattle that spread over the weekend linking Pep Guardiola with Manchester City, with the incumbent Bayern Munich coach reportedly entering a "verbal agreement" to take over at the Etihad over the summer.

Ipswich Winger Paul Anderson Offers To Pay For Ceiling Damaged While Celebrating His Play-Off Goal Against Norwich (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

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'Twas the first legs of the Championship play-off semi-finals this weekend just gone, with dearly beloved near-neighbours Ipswich and Norwich playing out a tight 1-1 draw at Portman Road on Saturday afternoon.

With Jonny Howson putting Norwich ahead a fewminutes before the break, Ipswich winger Paul Anderson (who'd only been on the pitch for 10 minutes) popped up to restore parity almost immediately deep into first-half injury time.

Transfer Balls: Man City Poised For Pogba, Man Utd Mull Over Benzema, West Brom Set On Sinclair

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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City Do Poznan For Pogba

Manchester City are preparing a massive £70million move for Juventus midfielder Paul Pogba, according to the Star.

Chelsea 1-1 Liverpool: The Best Bits (Laminated) – (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool's hopes of a Champions League spot was finally put to rest after a 1-1 draw with top-tierchamps Chelsea.

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Cesc Fabregas was lucky not to see red just after the kick-off, when he went in hard and late on Raheem Sterling.

Man City 6-0 QPR: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

QPR were condemned to a Championship return after the Hoops suffered an utter battering on Sunday.

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Sergio Aguero opened the scoring after just four minutes when he ran through the feeble Rangers' defence.

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Ajax Players Celebrate Mother’s Day By Being Led Out Of The Tunnel By Their Mums (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What with it being the second Sunday in March and all, 'tis Mother's Day over in the Netherlands today.

To celebrate, Ajax forewent their usual child player escorts for their game against Cambuur and instead had their very own mums lead the team out of the tunnel.

Crystal Palace 1-2 Man Utd: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United all but sealed a top-four finish after a hard-fought win at Selhurst Park.

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Juan Mata opened the scoring on 19 minutes, courtesy of a penalty kick after Scott Dann had handled in the Palace box.

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Snapshot: Burnley Bid Farewell To Premier League Despite Win Against Hull

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By Alan Duffy

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The axe finally fell on Burnley's stay in the Premier League on Saturday, with the Clarets heading back to the Championship despite a 1-0 win away to Hull.

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Ironically, that victory saw both the team and scorer Danny Ings end mammoth goal droughts which were key to their downfall.

Football Vine: Isco Fever! Spanish Schemer Scores Screamer For Real Madrid

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By Alan Duffy

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Spanish midfielder Isco produced a magnificent late strike on Saturday, a fine effort which rescued a point for title-chasers Real Madrid against Valencia at the Bernebeu.

The visitors stunned the home fans with two goals within the first 26 minutes, with those strikescoming after both Cristiano Ronaldo and Gareth Bale had hit the woodwork.

RIP Mwepu Ilunga – Zaire 1974 World Cup Side’s Maverick Free-Kick Vigilante Passes Away Aged 66

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By Chris Wright

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Sad news is reaching us this morning thatMwepu Ilunga, the most famous member of Zaire's esteemed 1974 World Cup side, has passed away at the age of 66 after a long illness.

Largely remembered for one moment of farcical madness, Ilunga actually enjoyed a fairly distinguished football career winning two Africanchampionshiptitles with TP Mazembe as well as helpingZaire become the first sub-Saharan African nation to reach aWorld Cup.

Transfer Balls: PSG Ponder Di Maria Move, Tottenham Aim For Alderweirled, Kondogbia Coming To Premier League

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Angel Ascends To Paris

The Telegraph, via a piece in the Sun, report that Angel Di Maria could set for a loan move to PSG in the summer.

Classic Moments: Gordon Strachan Adds Snarky Narration To Wenger’s Absurd Sending-Off At Old Trafford, 2009 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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"What? You said 'Go to bread'"

The year was 2009 and, with his team trailing 2-1 against Manchester United at Old Trafford, Arsene Wenger made the heinous mistake of punting a defenceless water bottle up in the air after Arsenal had an last-gaspequalisernixed for offside in the dying minutes of the game.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Hell Bent On Benteke, Gunners Sidle Up To Schneiderlin, Man City Fancy Firmino

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Blues For Benteke

With old warhorse Didier Drogba apparently headed for the exit door at Stamford Bridge this summer, the Express is reporting that Jose Mourinho isapparentlylooking to Christian Benteke to replace the Ivorian striker.

Shit Lookalike: Brendan Rodgers & This Guffawing Elephant Seal

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By Chris Wright

Uncanny, this one...

What's so funny lads?Heard the one about Memphis Depay?

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us@waatpies and we'll happily give it the once-over.

Criminally Underrated: Lothar Matthaus

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By Chris Wright

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He played for what felt like 40 years,won all there was to win both domestically and internationally,captained club and country, made well over 100 appearances for three different teams (including two separate centurion stints with Bayern Munich) and yet still Lothar Matthaus the most German of all German midfielders always seems to go under the radar somewhat in discussions about the game's true greats.

Brendan Rodgers Was Never Interested In Signing Memphis Depay For Liverpool Anyway, So There

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By Chris Wright

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Brendan Rodgers would just like you to know that, after taking a battering from Liverpool fans for failing to deliver yet another proposed new signing, he was never that interested in signing Memphis Depay in the first place. No siree bub.

Snapshot: Nigel Pearson Is Your Premier League Manager Of The Month For April…

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By Chris Wright

A victory for ostrich-baiters everywhere, Leicester City manager Nigel Pearson has won his very first Barclays Manager of the Month award after overseeing four straight victories over West Ham, West Brom, Swansea and Burnley during April while hauling the Foxes out of the relegation zone in the process.

Random Great Goals: Newcastle W(h)inger Laurent Robert Scores Baffling ‘Ninja’ Volley Against Fulham, 2004 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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One to cheer the Newcastle fans up here, with a trip back in time to the heady days of 2004 and Laurent Robert's absurd goal in the Toon's 3-1 win over Fulham.

Yes, we said a Newcastle win. Seems almost unthinkable these days, doesn't it?

Fortuna Düsseldorf Fans Set The Rhine Ablaze To Mark Club’s 120th Anniversary (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There were incredibly dramatic scenes on the banks of the Rhine last night as hundreds of Fortuna Düsseldorf gathered and set the river ablaze with a wall of red flares to mark the German club's 120th anniversary...

Kewl.

Northern Irish Newspaper Reveal George Best’s Original Birth Name…And It Isn’t George Best!

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By Chris Wright

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You may think you know all there is to know about Manchester United legend George Best but, thanks to a bit of digging by a Northern Irish newspaper, it seems that the most basic fact we hold to be true about the 1960s icon his name may not be quite as set in stone as it once was.

The BIG Question: Is It Time For Man City To Let Yaya Toure Go?

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By Chris Wright

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It's that time of year again and Dimitri Seluk, Yaya Toure's monetarycouncil, has been yarbling on again about how his client is "90% certain" to leave Manchester City at the end of the season.

Just like last season, and the season before.

The Internet Reacts Unkindly After Lionel Messi Reduces Jerome Boateng To Puddle Of Bubbling Ooze

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By Chris Wright

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There was a point, roughly 76-and-a-bitminutes into last night's Champions League semi-final between Barcelona and Bayern Munich, that Lionel Messi yanked down Jerome Boateng's big boy shorts and paddled his little buttocks until they took on a pink-ish hue in front of the entire watching world.

Official: Man Utd Agree £22m Deal To Sign Memphis Depay From PSV

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By Chris Wright

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All hail Memphis Depay, king of the self-service buffet!

It's official. PSV have confirmed they have agreed a deal to flog Memphis Depay to Manchester United.

The newly-crowned Eredivisiechampions announced the news via their official Twitter feed just minutes ago.

St Mirren Fans Vote Six-Year-Old Academy Player Recovering From Brain Tumour As Their Player of the Year

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By Chris Wright

St Mirren fans have voted six-year-old academy player Aaron Woodall as the club's Player of the Year in recognition of the brave little chap's ongoing recovery from cancer.

Aaron was diagnosed with a brain tumour late last year and has since undergone multiple surgeries, intensive radiotherapy and is currently still receiving chemotherapy as he continues to fight the disease.

Graham Taylor Denies Being Pressured To Not Pick ‘Too Many Black Players’ While England Manager

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By Chris Wright

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Graham Taylor has denied speaking to anybody about being put under pressure by the FA to limit the amount of black players he called-up during his stint as England manager in the early 1990s.

The denial is in response to extracts in a new book Pitch Black, written by Emy Onuora (brother of ex-Huddersfield and Gillingham striker Iffy) in which former Birmingham City striker and Kick It Out campaigner Richie Moran claims Taylor once admitted he was pressured intoobserving an unofficial FA quota onblack players during his time in charge of the national side between 1990 and 1993.

Barcelona 3-0 Bayern Munich: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

A late Lionel Messi-inspired flurry of goals secured a 3-0 home win for Barcelona against Bayern Munich on Wednesday night.

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Pep Guardiola's Bayern side worked hard from the start to stifle their hosts.

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Juventus 2-1 Real Madrid: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Juventus secured a deserved 2-1 win in the first leg of this titanic Champions League semi-final clash in Turin.

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The hosts started superbly and eventually took the lead on eight minutes, with ex-Madrid striker Alvaro Morata netting from close-range after a Carlos Tevez's shot.

Cristiano Ronaldo Defends Young Japanese Boy Attempting To Interview Him In Portuguese (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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He's got thepropensity to be a petulant, pouting little madame on the pitch, but as we've seen numerous times by now, Cristiano Ronaldo is a thoroughly decent chap away from the intense heat of sporting battle.

Here we see the Real Madrid superstar being interviewed by a young Japanese fan at the launch on his bizarre "facial fitness" widget, with the kid making the bold decision to attempt to grill Ronaldo in his native Portuguese tongue.

Emmanuel Adebayor Reveals Extraordinary Details Of His Family Problems On Facebook

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By Chris Wright

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It often looks as though his head is miles away on the rare occasions he makes it into the first-team, but if Emmanuel Adebayor's latest Facebook post is anything to go by, you can forgive the Tottenham striker for being a tad distracted.

Why Here’s Tony Adams, And He’s Doing A Traditional Dance At An Azerbaijani Wedding (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Why look everybody, it's Tony Adams and he's doing a traditional Azerbaijani dance at an Azerbaijani wedding to the unmistakeable sounds of traditional Azerbaijani Azeri music.

Without the benefit of a couple of drinks to help grease the wheels, Adams still has a fair old bash at mixing it on the dancefloor with mixed results.

Transfer Balls: Man City To Poach Pogba While Chelsea Gird Themselves For £100m Mega Splurge

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Citizens To Poach Pogba

Former Manchester United starlet Paul Pogba could be headed back to Manchester, or so says the Manchester Evening News.

Irrefutable Evidence Proves Alan Shearer’s Newcastle United TV Advert Is Cursed

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By Chris Wright

Alan Shearer, seen here remembering that time he bought a pie

No doubt by now most of you will have been subjected to the truly dreadful advert for Barclays which sees Alan Shearer doleing out free Premier League match tickets to fans after sharing the car over with a succession of people he's possibly met before but maybe not.

Luis Suarez Makes Young Uruguyan Cancer-Sufferer’s Day With Surprise Hospital Video Call

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By Chris Wright

In yet more 'millionaire footballers not being complete dicks' news, here's a little video that is sure to moisten those darned cynical eyes of yours.

Having been diagnosed with cancer two year ago, young Uruguayan football fanatic Mateo wasinvited along to the Dr Perez Scremini Foundation in Montevideo to attend what he thought was a fairly routinevideo consultation with a Spanish specialist.

FAIL: Torino Goalkeeper Daniele Padelli Tucks Away Beautifully Elegant Own-Goal vs Empoli (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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"GET IN THERE YOU SWINE!"

Hot off the presses, here's the beautifully elegant own-goal scored by Torino goalkeeper Daniele Padelli (once, literally, of Liverpool) against Empoli this very afternoon...

So.

Random Great Goals: Zico Scores The Most Beautiful Goal Of His Career (According To Zico), 1994

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By Chris Wright

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After dabbling in Brazilian politics for a couple of years, Zico came out of retirement at the age of 37 in 1991 after accepting a lucrative deal to go over to Japan and help rebuilda club from the roots up.

Having joined while it was still the 'in-house' teamof Sumitomo Metal Industries, Zico's new sidesubsequently morphed into theKashima Antlers when the J.

Newcastle-Supporting Priest Writes Prayer Calling For God To Oust Mike Ashley

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By Chris Wright

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Amen

As a mark ofjust how desperate things are getting at Newcastle United, a priest has felt in necessary to called God to help ridhis beloved club ofthe blight that is Mike Ashley.

Father Stephen Foster, a long-suffering Newcastle fan, was moved to write his prayer after seeing his side slump to their eighth consecutive defeat at the weekend a dismal 3-1 duffing at the hands of Leicester City.

The 95th Minute Goal That Saw Chorley FC Reach The Conference North Play-Off Final Was A Bit Special (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the first leg ending 0-0 last Wednesday, it looked for all the world that Chorley FCwere about to be dumped out of the Conference North play-offs at the semi-final stage when Boston United raced into a 2-0 lead in the second leg on Sunday afternoon.

Despite pulling a goal back on the hour mark, Chorley were still 2-1 down and chasing the game as the fourthminute of injury time ticked over into the fifth.

Channel 5 To Show Football League Highlights In 9pm Saturday Night Slot As Of Next Season

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By Chris Wright

Goodbye Manish, farewell Steve

The Football League have announced this morning that, as of next season and for the next two seasons after that, Channel 5 will be showing the Football League highlights in a prime-time Saturday night slot.

Having signed a three-year deal to do so, the Football League highlights show will be broadcast onChannel 5 at 9pm on Saturday evenings, with the programme running for 90 minutes, i.

Drinking On The Job: Austria Vienna’s Super Leo Mascot Gets Hammered, Falls Over And Goes Night-Night In Middle Of Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You wait ages for a craptastic mascot and then two turn up at once!

Following hot on the lettuce-y heels of Javier Zanetti's nightmarish vegetable friend comes the cautionary tale of Super Leo, the Austria Vienna lion mascot who took his 42nd birthday celebrations just that little bit too far at the weekend.

Transfer Balls: Chelsea Chase Lambert, Man City Set For ‘New Mascherano’, West Brom Fancy Afobe

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Lambert Linked With Chelsea

Quite an odd one this, but according to the Mirror,Chelsea are preparing a summer bid for none other than Liverpool's Rickie Lambert.

Smiling Assassin: Collin Quaner’s Little Face Lights Up After Scoring Superb Back-Heel Own-Goal In German Second Division (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A superb goal here from the 2. Bundesliga, in which rock-bottom side VfR Aalen muck in to help finish off VfL Bochum's multi-goal routon their opponent's behalf Aalen forwardCollin Quaner sticking away a really rather delightful and delicate back-heel scorpion volley past his own 'keeperto put the away side 4-0 up.

Craptastic Football Mascot Of The Day: This Vegetable Monstrosity At Javier Zanetti’s Charity Match

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By Chris Wright

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'Twas Javier Zanetti's big send off in Milan last night, with a team of the Inter stalwarts' chums taking on an All-Star XI at the Giuseppe Meazza.

Also present was the downright terrifying ‘Mascotte of Milano Expo 2015' a blood-curdling, Triffid-like demon beast made solely from vegetable matter and dark magic.

Ahmed Elmohamady Brings Shame Upon Himself With Truly Laughable Dive Against Arsenal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With his heart obviously set on making the 2015 Fallon d'Floor shortlist, Hull right-back Ahmed Elmohamady brought shame upon himself with a truly risible piece of play-acting during his side's 3-1 defeat against Arsenal last night.

Hull 1-3 Arsenal: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal produced a superb display at the KC Stadium on Monday night, securing a well-deserved 3-1 win which sees the Gunners go level on points with second-placed Manchester City while still having a game in hand.

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The visitors started superbly and eventually Alexis Sanchez opened the scoring just before the half-hour mark.

Snapshot: New York City FC Hand Out Cringe-Worthy Song Cheat Sheets To Fans…

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By Chris Wright

As spotted by the fine folk over at Bleacher Report, New York City FC have been handing out chant cheat sheets in a bid to ramp upthe atmosphere at the McDonald's Chicken Nuggets Stadium.

There are some absolute bangers on here (in both English and Spanish), including timeless NYCFC anthems "I Wanna Diskerud All Night" and "N.

Spotted: The Worst Half-And-Half Scarf In The History Of Everything Ever O’ Ever (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Just look at this absolute travestyof an abomination...

What, in the name of all that is holy and good, is going on here?

Transfer Balls: Liverpool Go Big For Benteke, Drogba Set For Chelsea Cheerio, Aston Villa Ready For Hull’s Roberton

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Rodgers PrayingFor Christian Power

On a rather slow day for chunky transfer rumours, the Mirror report that Aston Villa striker Christian Benteke could be nearing a move to Liverpool The newspaper quotes the Belgian's team-mate, Leandro Bacuna,who suggests the in-form striker is nearing the exit door at Villa Park, with Anfield the expected destination.

Tottenham 0-1 Man City: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sergio Aguero's 22nd league goal of the season all but secured a top four place in the Premier League for Manchester City on Sunday.

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Tottenham, still with faint hopes of a top four finish themselves, started brightly, withEric Dier heading wide from a corner.

Chelsea Are Your 2014/15 Premier League Champions!

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By Chris Wright

A hard-fought 1-0 win over Crystal Palace at the Bridge today saw Chelsea attain an insurmountable lead at the top of the Premier League with three games to spare.

Look at 'em, the boring buggers...

Not wishing to brag or anything, but we totally called it!

‘Pick The Team That Will Rule Your Era’ – PSG Lobby Hard For New Royal Baby’s Support (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Frankly, we couldn't have cared less, but as you no doubt heard yesterday, amid a thrilling last day in the Championship, the Duchess of Cambridge squeezed out another Royal child born into a life of unfathomable wealth and privilege.

Yay for them.

Anyway, keen to muscle in on the social whir, PSG have formally extended an invite to the new Royal princess to forgo any of her "local" London sides (doesn't Sandringham have a team?

Transfer Balls: Man City Set For Sterling, Barcelona Back For Bellerin, Crystal Palace Jockey For Johnson

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By Alan Duffy

Transfer Balls: Rounding up the day's football tittle-tattle so you don't have to...

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Citizens Set On Securing Sterling

Raheem Sterling could well be leaving Liverpool this summer, according to the Mirror, with Manchester City confident of securing the services of the £55million rated attacker.

Man Utd 0-1 West Brom: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United suffered their third straight defeat after failing to break down a well-organised West Brom at Old Trafford.

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The Red Devils started the game brightly, with Robin Van Persie going close for the home side.

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Liverpool 2-1 QPR: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

A late goal from captain Steven Gerrard kept alive Liverpool's slim hopes of a top-four finish.

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Both sets of players wore black armbands following the death of Rio Ferdinand's wife, Rebecca Ellison, from cancer, with Gerrard presenting QPR captain Joey Barton with flowers to give to Ferdinand before the kick-off.

Newcastle Boss John Carver Publicly Accuses Mike Williamson Of Getting Himself Sent-Off On Purpose

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By Chris Wright

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Steve Stone, always willing to look on the bright side!

With Newcastle slumping to an eighth straight league defeat after losing 3-0 against Leicester City this afternoon, a positively incandescent John Carver made some fairly heftyaccusations after the pallid performance.

Leicester 3-0 Newcastle: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle suffered their eighth consecutive league defeat after yet another feeble display at the King Power Stadium.

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Leicester got the best possible start when Leonardo Ulloa headed home in the first minute.

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Let’s Hear It For…Bournemouth: Champions Of The Championship!

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By Chris Wright

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Let's hear it for Bournemouth, Champions of the Championship!

The top spot changed hands a couple of times over the course of a rollicking last day down in the second tier, but thanks to a late Sheffield Wednesday equaliser against Watford, the Cherries found themselves a single point clear at thesummit come full-timethanks to their 3-0 win over Charlton.

Snapshot: Oystons’ Decision To Remove Statue Backfires As Blackpool Fans Protest In Middle Of Pitch…

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By Chris Wright

After seeing their plans to protest around Stan Mortensen'sstatuenixed after it was mysteriously removed by the club's much-malignedowners, the Blackpool fans held up the start of the second half during their final fixture against Huddersfield Town after sourcing themselvesa secondary base of operations.

Troubling Scenes As Rotherham Boss Steve Evans Honours Pledge To Turn Up For Final Game In Shorts And Sombrero (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

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With Rotherham manager Steve Evans vowing to turn up for his side's final Championship game of the season in his beachwear should the public clamour be strong enough, these were the scenes at Elland Road this morning upon his arrival.

Classic Moments: Andros Townsend Sings ‘Stand By Me’ In Loving Tribute To Ben E. King (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the great Ben E. King passing away at the age of 76 yesterday, we here at Pies can think of no more fitting tribute than having Andros Townsend & The Spurs Reserves (feat. Harry Kane) serenade the soul legend into the next realm with a classic some say definitive rendition of his most famous song.

“We Need Love, Not Violence” – Man City’s King Of Deadpan Aleksandar Kolarov Dismisses Mayweather v Pacquiao Hype (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Aleksandar Kolarov possesses a mean left-foot, but the Serbian Citizen showed his gentle side during a Man City video on Friday. Asked who he thought would win Saturday's megabucks showdown between Floyd 'Wifebeater' Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao in Las Vegas, Kolarov dismissed the question, and made his dislike of the sport very clear (albeit maybe with his tongue in his cheek).

Blue Moon Rising Present: A Tribute To ‘King Of The Kippax’ – The Last Of The Football Fanzines (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Great little Friday afternoon watch this.

Football fanzines are going to the wallat a rate of knots these days, a decline that has seen even relatively flush outfits such as Manchester United's Red Issue first become unsustainable before ceasingoperations entirely.

When Bands Sponsor Football Teams: 15 Of The Finest Examples (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Bands and musicians sponsoring their local football teams: It's a relatively modern phenomenon, but long may it continue.

Here's 15 of the finest examples...

1. Heaven Shall Burn FC Carl Zeiss Jena

As reported yesterday, German heavy metal band Heaven Shall Burn are sponsoring their local football team for the final game of the season, resulting in one extremely badass-looking kit.

Sporting Braga Coach Sergio Conceicao Fulfils Promise To Jog 24 Miles Home After Reaching Portuguese Cup Final (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With a 1-1 semi-final second leg draw against Rio Ave last night ensuring Sporting Braga safe passage into the Taça de Portugal (Portuguese cup) final, head coachSergio Conceicao was left with a debt he needed to settle.

Having promised before the game that he would run home from Rio Ave's stadium should Sporting Braga make it through to the final,Conceicao laced up his trainers after the final whistle and, along with his backroom staff, jogged the 24 miles back to Braga.

‘You Have To Find The Next Best Thing’ – Paralysed Ex-Footballer Buys The Club He Used To Play For

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By Chris Wright

The man you see before you is one George Dowell, a younglad who sadly saw his dreams of playing professional football ended prematurely when a car crash left him paralysed from the chest down.

Dowell was playing for Worthing FC at the time of the crash in 2010, harbouringaspirationsof making it up out of theIsthmian League Division One South and into the Conference South.