Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2015

Poole Town Manager Bypasses Stadium Ban By Watching Games From Upstairs Window Of House Across The Street (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Top of the Evo-Stick Southern Premier division by a single point with just eight games left to play, the last thing Poole Town needed was their manager being hit with a six-game stadium ban at such a crucial point in their season.

Alas, that's exactly what happened, with the FA prohibitingTom Killick from entering Poole's Tatnam Ground stadium for six matches for spouting off at a referee during a league game back in January.

Spartak Moscow Players Raise Over £5,000 For 102-Year-Old Fan Robbed Of His Life Savings

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By Chris Wright

Clocking in at the ripe old age of 102, we think it's fair to say that Otto Fischer is very probably Spartak Moscow's oldest living fan (if not, then he's definitely in the Top 5).

Anywho, when the Spartak players learned that poor Otto had had his life-savings pinched by a conman posing as a social worker, they immediately had a whip-round to help replenishthe old chap's coffers.

Legendary Sao Paulo ‘Keeper Rogerio Ceni Scores His 126th Career Goal With Freekick Against Linense

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By Chris Wright

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He may be 42 and have thehairline of a young Art Garfunkel, but Rogerio Ceni just keeps on banging in the goals.

That said, Ceni took a fair bit of flak midweek after conceding a goal from 50 yards against Palmeiras after just two minutes when he botched a clearance which dropped straight to Robinho, who promptly dropped it straight back over the veteran stopper's head.

Chelsea Behemoth Nemanja Matic Scores Incredible Acrobatic Volley Against Portugal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Proof that his talents extend beyond simple, diligent midfield roadblockery, Nemanja Matic displayed a level of grace hitherto unseen by Chelsea fans to score an outlandish acrobatic overhead kick against Portugal.

Indeed, it was something akin to watching a water buffalo flawlessly perform the most delicate ballet routineever devised.

Confusion All Around As Wrong National Anthem Played Before El Salvador Friendly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There was confused looks all around before yesterday's friendly between El Salvador and Argentina in Washington DC when the good folks at the FedEx Field accidentally played the wrong anthem just as the Salvadorian players clenched their fists over their hearts.

Steven Gerrard All-Star Charity Match: The Best Bits (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

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Sunday saw the Steven Gerrard Testimonial All-Star Charity bash take place at Anfield, with a host of familiar faces turning out to wave off the departing club captain, who thankfully managed to make it past the40-second mark this time.

Referee Uses Vanishing Spray To Write Player’s Name On The Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the rest of the world on international duty, Palmeiras found time to grant 37-year-old midfielder Alexsandro de Souza ('Alex' to his friends) his testimonial over the weekend.

As well as tributes from ex-teammates and former colleagues, the referee was also keen to pay homage to the man of the hour, using his vanishing spray to write Alex'sname out on the pitch while hewas preparing to take a free-kick.

Euro 2016: Rep Of Ireland 1-1 Poland – Late Late Long Strike Saves Irish At Aviva (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Republic Of Ireland 1-1 Poland Euro 2016 Qualifiers 30th March 2015

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A last-gasp Shane Long equaliser secured a point for Ireland at the Aviva Stadium on Sunday night, a result which keeps the Boys In Green in the hunt for a place in the finals next year.

Euro 2016: Scotland 6-1 Gibraltar – Minnows Make History But Fletcher Hat-Trick Keeps Scots On Track (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Scotland 6-1 Gibraltar Euro 2016 Qualifiers 29th March 2015

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Steven Fletcher, a man in the spotlight for the wrong reasons recently, registered Scotland's first hat-trick in 46 years on Sunday, as Gordon Strachan's men battered new-boys Gibraltar.

Euro 2016: Northern Ireland 2-1 Finland – Green And White Army March On After Lafferty Double (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Northern Ireland 2-1 Finland Euro 2016 Qualifiers 29th March 2015

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A Kyle Lafferty brace kept Northern Ireland will in the hunt for a place at EURO 2016 after an impressive display against Finland.

Mixu Paatelainen's visitors started brightly but eventually the hosts made the breakthrough just after the half-hour mark, when Lafferty volleyed home from a Niall McGinn header.

Football Vine: Thierry Henry Pulls Off Cheeky No-Look Fake Pass During Liverpool Charity Game

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By Alan Duffy

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On Sunday, a whole host of superstars turned out for the Liverpool All-Star Charity game at Anfield on Sunday. Here were the two star-studded teams, lead by Steve Gerrard and Jamie Carragher respectively...

Jamie Carragher's XI
Pepe Reina, Jon Flanagan, Jamie Carragher, Alvaro Arbeloa, Martin Kelly, Harry Kewell, Stewart Downing, Lucas, Jonjo Shelvey, Didier Drogba, Mario Balotelli.

Euro 2016: Israel 0-3 Wales – Bale Bags Brace As Dragons Roar In Haifa (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

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Israel 0-3 Wales Euro 2016 Qualifiers 28th March 2015

Wales produced a superb performance in Israel on Saturday, with their 3-0 win firing Chris Coleman's side to the top of Group B.

Aaron Ramsey opened the scoring just before the break, courtesy of a superb looping header after the Arsenal man was set up by Gareth Bale.

John Terry Used To Warm Up The Training Ground Toilet Seats For Chelsea’s Senior Players On Chilly Days

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By Chris Wright

Butter wouldn't melt

After a few weeks of umming and ahing, John Terry has just put pen to paper on a new one-year extension to his contract at Chelsea, thus extending his deal to the end of next season his 21st year at the club.

.

Cristiano Ronaldo Covers Portugal Teammate’s Car In Tin Foil…With A Little Help From His Sponsors (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With the Portugal squad limbering up for tomorrow evening's Euro 2016 qualifier against Serbia, arch prankster Cristiano Ronaldo took an hour or two out of his preparation time to hit international teammate (and fellow Nike-sponsored athlete) Ricardo Quaresma with the mother of all arch pranks.

Gary Neville And Jamie Redknapp Give Sunday League Scorcher The Full Analysis Treatment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Tommy's 30-yardscorcher against The Dog & Duck last weekend gets the full analysis it so richly deserves, courtesy of Sky Sports pundits Gary Neville and Jamie Redknapp...

The advert is plugging Budweiser's new "Dream Goal" campaign, with the Yankpisspedlars asking amateur players to uploadvideo evidence of their Sunday League wondergoals and possibly have them analysed on television by Nev, Redknapp and Martin Tyler.

‘You’re Special’ – Barcelona Pop Duo Dani Alves & Jose Pinto Record Charity Single (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With an assist from Spanish pop goblinMario Baro, Barcelona duo Dani Alves and Jose Manuel Pinto have recorded and released a charity single.

Entitled "You're Special", the song features Alves rapping and Pinto mucking in under his super producer alias, Wahin.

Wayne Rooney Retires ‘Boxing’ Goal Celebration After Catching His Son Doing It At School

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By Chris Wright

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You gotta be careful of these south paw corner flags

Wayne Rooney has formally retired his 'knock-out' goal celebration after catching his young son doing it at school.

Rooney celebrated his recent goal against Tottenham by recreating being poleaxedby ex-Manchester United teammate Phil Bardsley in his own kitchen after camera footageof the pair play-sparring made headline news the previous day.

Random Great Goals: Giovani Dos Santos Finishes Off USA With Devastating Finesse, 2011 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Back in June of 2011, Mexico won their record sixth CONCACAF Gold Cup title in front of 93,000 fans at the Pasadena Rose Bowl thanks to a nutty 4-2 victory over the USA in whichEl Trifound themselves two goals behindwithin the first 20-odd minutes.

Leyton Orient To Wear Special Memorial Kit In Tribute To Former Players Who Fell At The Somme (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Leyton Orient have announced that they are to play out the remainder of the season wearing special memorial shirts intribute to all the club's ex-players who served in the First World War as part of the ongoing centenary celebrations.

A total of 41 membersof the Clapton Orient (the club which later became Leyton Orient) players and staff put football on hold to serve their country three of whom lost their lives amid the muddy, bloody carnage atthe Battle of the Somme.

Euro 2016: England 4-0 Lithuania – Kane Scores On Debut As Three Lions Stroll At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 4-0 Lithuania Euro 2016Qualifiers 27th Match 2015

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England continued their 100% winning start to the Euro 2016 qualifiers with an easy win at home to Lithuania.

Despite the clamour for his inclusion from the start, Tottenham hitman Harry Kane was handed a substitute's role by Roy Hodgson.

Euro 2016: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Scores By Accident After Moldova ‘Keeper Hoofs Ball At His Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With Euro 2016 qualifiers taking place all over the continent tonight, Sweden sauntered to a 0-2 away victory against Group G whipping boys Moldova to shore up second place in the table, tucked in neatly behind leaders Austria.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored both goals on the night, the first coming viaa rather unfortunate assist from the Moldovan goalkeeper.

Euro 2016 Vine: Russia ‘Keeper Igor Akinfeev Floored By Flare As Clash With Montenegro Abandoned

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By Alan Duffy

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Unfortunately, there have been quite a few unsavoury incidents in the Euro 2016 Qualifying campaign so far,with the behaviour of Croatia's fans against Italy back in November one particular shocking.

However, inPodgorica on Friday night, things hit a new low when a flare thrown from the Montenegrin fans' hit Russian goalkeeper Igor Akinfeev right after the kick-off.

Dries Mertens Searches For African Schoolboy After Spotting Him Wearing His Napoli Shirt In National Geographic Photo

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By Chris Wright

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Napoli forward Dries Mertens has launched a low-level Twitter campaign to track down a schoolboy from a village in southeastern Guinea after spotting the little chap wearing one of his replica shirts in a National Geographic photo.

Pssst, Do You Like Lunging Volleys With Incredible Long-Range Backheel Assists? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you've no doubt heard by now, Greek amateur club Thyamis Kastriou recently trounced local rivalsAsteras Parapotamou, running up the score in style on their way to sticking four unanswered goals past their reeling opponents.

One goal in particular stood out, what with it being a smart, over-the-shoulder lunging volley into the far top corner.

Football Vine: Aussie Enforcer Mile Jedinak Scores Fine Free-Kick Against Germany

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By Alan Duffy

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Famed for his physical presence in the middle of Crystal Palace's midfield, hirsute anchorman Mile Jedinak also has a penchant ofor fine free-kicks. Against World Champions Germany in Kaiserslautern on Wednesday evening, the 30-year-old curled home a classy free-kick on 50 minutes to put the Socceroos 2-1 up (Marco Reus andJames Troisi scored in the first-half).

The Miracle Of Aarhus: Jose Altidore Bags Goal And Assist While Nicklas Bendtner Nets Hat-Trick As Denmark Beat USA 3-2 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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The idea of former Hull and Sunderland striker Jose Altidore and ex-Arsenal hitman Nicklas Bendtner having their own personal duel in a full international match seems rather fanciful, no? Well, you shower of cynics, on Wednesday night that's just what happened at theNRGi Park in Aarhus.

Shit Lookalike: Mick McCarthy & This Colombian Landslide…

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By Chris Wright

Finding the face of Jesus in a tortilla is old news...

Spotted by @GraemeBandeira. Top notch work, Sir.

Of course, this isn't the first time Mick's likeness has been duplicated by Mother Nature herself...

Random Great Goals: Metalist Winger Taison Strays Into Van Basten Territory, 2012 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Even he couldn't believe it

He's plugging away at Shakhtar Donetsk these days, but Brazilian winger Taison first began his European adventure with fellow Ukrainian side Metalist Kharkiv in 2010.

Having joined Metalist from Internacional for€6million, Taison managed to nigh-on double his asking price in the space of a couple of years, with Shakhtar paying a little over€12million to acquire his servicesduring the 2012/13 season winter break.

Classic Moments: Dion Dublin Headbutts Robbie Savage, 2003 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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On the day of the most momentous news, perhaps in football's entire history that Dion Dublin is to present 'Homes Under The Hammer' on the BBC we thought we'd doff our cap to the big man's finest work as a professional footballer.

FAIL: Zambian Side Provide Lesson In The Dangers Of Elaborate Goal Celebrations (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having whipped a free-kick home to go 1-0 up with not long left to play, you can perhaps forgiveZambian side K-Stars for wanting to celebrate what they assumed would bea last-ditch winner against theirMozambiquian opponents Clube Ferroviario.

Indeed, after a quick group jig the entire K-Stars team prolonged their jubilant goal celebration by charging right the way across the pitch to applaud a group of schoolkids who had been invited along to the game as the Zambian club's specials guests.

What Dion Dublin Did Next (The Headline The World Was Waiting For)…

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By Chris Wright

It's the headline the world has been waiting for.

Having well and truly conquered the world of box-based percussion and released a seminal Christmas album since hanging up his boots, it would appear that Dion Dublin is now moving into the daytime television racket.

Good Egg: Ashley Young Knackers Man City Fan’s Phone While Taking Selfie, Offers To Pay For Repairs

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By Chris Wright

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Enjoying something of a renaissance on the pitch at the moment, Ashley Young has also bolstered his good guy credentials by offering to pay to repair the damage he caused while posing for a photo with a Man City fan.

The City fan in question, young Annie Taylor, took to Twitter to grumble about Young supposedly breaking her phone screen while the pair took a hazy-looking selfie recently.

Undercover Thierry Henry Surprises Welsh Schoolgirl With Sky Sports Award (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Looking likea fifth French Beatle, Sky Sports presenter and all-round superstar Thierry Henry paid a visit toPen-y-Dre High SchoolinMerthyr, Wales, on Tuesday to surprise one of the school kids.

The former Arsenal striker, in silly hair and glasses, was there to present a shocked Emma Morgan with the 'Sky Sports Living for Sport Student of the Year Award' for Wales.

Looks Like Roy Hodgson Is Planning To Start Harry Kane For England Against Lithuania (Photo Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

A little bit of super sleuth work from the chaps over at Squawka has revealed that it looks very much as though Roy Hodgson is planning to hand new cap Harry Kane his first England start against Lithuania on Friday especially if the subtle clues contained in this 'ere photo are anything to go by.

Scenes From The Fan Park As 9,000 Club Brugge Fans Cram In To Watch Belgian Cup Final Victory (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With theKoning Boudewijn Stadium in Brussels selling out in a matter of hours, thousands of ticketless Club Brugge fans flocked to a specially-constructed "Cup Final Village" in Bruges town centre in order to watch Sunday afternoon's big Belgian Cup Final clash against perennial rivals Anderlecht.

FAIL: Guizhou Renhe Captain Gets Stroppy, Pulls Rank Over Penalty Duties, Misses His Spot-Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Guizhou Renhe beatShanghai Shenxin 2-1 in the Chinese Super League on Saturday but they had to do so despite missing a penalty midway through the second half.

AfterGuizhouwingerHyuri Henrique was bundled over in the box, anargument flared upas to who would assumethe resulting penalty duties withPolish captain Krzysztof Maczynski exchanging a few stroppy shoves withteammate Ricardo Santos.

Gremio Fans Distract Opposing Goalkeeper…By Firing Fireworks At Him (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Taking their role as the 12th man a little too seriously, here we see Gremio fans attempting to distract their opposing goalkeeper not with jeers, whistles or a hearty chorus of "you fat bastard", but by firing fireworks directly at him...

Decentof the referee to disallow the goal, we thought.

Real Madrid Suspend Supporter For Punching Gareth Bale’s Car After El Clasico Defeat, Legal Action Pending

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By Chris Wright

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You wouldn't like him when he's angry

Real Madrid have suspended one of their supporters (i.e, suspended his club membership) afterGareth Bale's car was filmed being attacked as the players attempted to slope away into the nightfollowing Sunday's evening's 2-1 Clasico defeat against Barcelona.

Random Great Goals: Rangers Legend Davie Cooper Paints His Masterpiece Against Celtic, 1979 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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On the 20th anniversary of his untimely passing at the age of 39, we thought we'd dedicate today's Random Great Goal to Rangers legend Davie Cooper.

His name may not be overly familiar to many non-Scottish fans, but Cooper was one of the rare breed of players who just had the requisite talent allied with the innate strength of character to become a bona fide club legend at each of the three clubs he represented during his career: Clydebank, Rangers and Motherwell.

Steven Fletcher’s Agent Goes On Defensive After Sunderland Striker Barracked For Posing With New Lamborghini…

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By Chris Wright

The photograph that caused all the commotion...

Steven Fletcher's agent has gone on the defensive after the shot-shy Sunderland striker was recently subjected to a barrage of criticism for being pictured posing next to his new £260,000 super car despite a long string of palliddisplays.

‘I Wasn’t Alone Out There’ – Mario Balotelli Thanks Liverpool Fans For Restraining Him During Squabble With Chris Smalling

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By Chris Wright

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Some say love, it is a river,
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it isChris Smalling,
Wholeaves your kneesto bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
Mariosays love, it is a flower,
And the Liverpool fans in the front row on Sundayits only seed.

Quadruple Sending-Off As Brazilian Campeonato Game Descends Into Water-Logged Chaos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Flamengo just about triumphed over old foes Vasco de Gama in theCampeonato Carioca on Sunday evening, winning 2-1 despite the rain-shrouded tie descending into a bit of a dampfarce by the end of the night.

Firstly came the comical debacle that preceded theopening goal, with awater-logged penalty area providing theassist for FlamengostrikerAlecsandro.

Hull 2-3 Chelsea – Remy Spares Blues Blushes At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-3 Chelsea Premier League 23rd March 2015

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A Loic Remy winner saw Chelsea go six points clear of Manchester City on Sunday, after a goal-fest at the KC Stadium.

The league leaders looked to be cruising to another veasy victory, with goals from Eden Hazard and Diego Costa putting the Blues 2-0 up within the opening nine minutes.

Brick By Brick: Steven Gerrard’s 38-Second Red Card Against Man Utd Recreated In Lego (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Brick by Brick guruFabian Moritzfaithfully recreates Steven Gerrard's inspirational 38-second captain's inningsin what is certain to be his final appearance against Manchester United in a Liverpool shirt yesterday using nowt but Lego.

Brendan Rodgers Inspires Liverpool Players In Most ‘Brendan Rodgers’ Way Imaginable, By Reading Messages From Their Mums

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By Chris Wright

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With hismiddle-management leaningsand his vocabulary consisting of nothing but spurious jargon directly copy+pasted from the 2013 UEFA coaching manual, Brendan Rodgers is something of a parody of modern day coaching.

Heseems to be convinced he's attaining mythological status at Liverpool by styling himself as Shankly 2.

Barcelona Players Celebrate Clasico Victory By Dressing Up In Their Glad Rags (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard, Barcelona beat Real Madrid in the Clasico last night and, as such, celebrated by donning their glad rags in the changining room and posing for a quick photo as posted to Twitter by Rafinha...

Força Barça!

No Class(ico): Javier Mascherano Attempts To Get Cristiano Ronaldo Booked With Embarrassing Dive

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By Chris Wright

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With roughlyhalf-an-hour left and Barcelona leading 2-1, Sunday evening's Clasico came perilously close to descending into the usual stop/start, fragmented, bitchy dive-fest.

Thankfully, after a fractious ten-minute spell where a red card or two seemed inevitable (11 bookings were administeredin total), things began levelling out again as Barca cruised to victory.

Liverpool 1-2 Man Utd – No Laughing Mata For Reds As Gerrard Sent Off In United Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-2 Manchester United Premier League 22nd March 2015

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A fine brace from Juan Mata fired Manchester United to a superb win against Liverpool at Anfield.

The Spanish schemer opened the scoring after just 14 minutes, firing home after good work from Ander Herrera.

Captain’s Innings: Steven Gerrard Sent-Off Less Than One Minute After Coming On At Half-Time Against Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

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Steven 'Mr Liverpool' Gerrard put in a sterling captain's innings against Manchester United at Anfield this afternoon, coming on as a half-time impact sub and promptly getting himself sent-off less than a minute later for stamping on Ander Herrera.

Unimpressed Everton Fan Spray-Paints ‘Martinez Out’ On Goodison Park Wall (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

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Currently slumming it down in 14th place in the Premier League pile having won just two of their last 13 league games, Everton arehovering just six points above the dotted line of doom coming into today's game against second-bottom QPR.

AC Milan Fans Boycott Cagliari Match, Leave Ominous ‘Game Over’ Banner Draped In Curva Sud (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Aggrieved at the way the club is being run, AC Milan supporters boycotted Saturday evening's game against Cagliari in their droves, leaving the San Siro looking like the Mary Celeste as the Rossoneri ground out a 3-1 victory to move up to seventh in the Serie A table.

Tottenham 4-3 Leicester – Fighting Foxes Kaned At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 4-3 Leicester City Premier League 21st March 2015

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A Harry Kane hat-trick helped secure a precious three points against a hard-working and rather unlucky Leicester side on Saturday in their quest for a top-four berth.

Newcastle 1-2 Arsenal – Giroud Bags Brace As Gunners Survive Magpies’ Second-Half Resurgence (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 1-2 Arsenal Premier League 21st March 2015

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Arsenal survived a second-half onslaught from Newcastle to secure yet another win that sees the Gunners stay just a point behind second-placed Manchester City.

Atletico Madrid Hardnut Jose Gimenez Impresses With Brave Head-First Block Against Getafe (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In whichAtletico Madrid centre-half Gimenez channels England's Brave John Terry andquite literally puts his head in where it hurts to block a shot against Getafe earlier this afternoon.

After being suckered by a feint from Getafe's Fredy Hinestroza, Gimenez recovered in a flash and then went all out to stop the Colombian midfielder having the last laugh.

Man City 3-0 West Brom – Bony Breaks Duck As Citizens Stroll Against 10-Man Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 21st March 2015

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The sending off of Gareth McAuley in the second minute (when it should have been Craig Dawson) pretty much ended this contest, with Man City running out comfortable 3-0 winners in the end.

Snapshot: Ref Neil Swarbrick Sends Off Wrong West Brom Player After Just Two Minutes Of Action At Etihad…

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By Alan Duffy

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Ah for a little more video technology in the Premier League! With the game between Manchester City and West Brom less than two mintues old,Craig Dawson felled Wilfried Bony, thus denying the Ivorian attacker a goal-scoring chance.

FAIL: Derby Goalkeeper Lee Grant Scores Ridiculously Naff Own Goal Against Wolves (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

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It's a darned shame but it looks like the wheels are coming off at Derby County at the worst possible time, with Steve McClaren's much-fancied side slipping from the Championship's automatic promotion places after a disastrous recent run of results (no wins in their last six).

Two Dundee FC Youth Players Released For Going To Watch Rivals Dundee United In Scottish Cup Final

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By Chris Wright

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Dundee United obviously boasta famouscelebrity fan

Dundee have released two of their youth players for the heinous crime of going along to watch rivals Dundee United play in the Scottish League Cup Final.

Liam Fitzsimons and Josh Mackenzie, both 16, made the trip to Hampden Park together to watch Dundee United get spanked 4-0 by Celtic on Sunday afternoon, only to return to Dundee to find they'd been excommunicated for their treachery.

Random Great Goals: Mark Hughes Lobs The Grob With Dainty Volley Against Liverpool, 1992 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As was foretold by the prophecy, today's Random Great Goal is slightly less than random, providing a bit of much needed yang to accompany Ian Rush's expertly-taken yinfrom yesterday.

Pluckedfrom the October archives of the very same season (the inaugural 1992/1993 Premier League campaign), here we have a proper beauty scored by Manchester United against Liverpool in the first league ding-dong between the two sides, with Mark Hughes doing the uncharacteristically deft honours.

English-Free Champions League Quarter-Final Draw Throws Up Madrid Derby And Another PSG v Barcelona Clash…

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By Alan Duffy

While the Premier League licks its wounds after a dismal Champions League campaign, the eight sides still in the competition will have their eyes on a semi-final berth after today's last eight draws.

Pick of the ties are surely the Madrid derby which is a re-run of last season's final, while Lionel Messi and co.

Walsall Fan Taking Father’s ‘Lucky’ False Teeth To Wembley For Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Final

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By Chris Wright

Walsall fanJason Bailey, his dad's false teeth, and the cabinet he keeps them in

Because football is chock-full of nutters, Walsall fan Jason Bailey is planning, as he always does, to take his late father's 'lucky' false teeth along with him to theJohnstone's Paint Trophy Final this weekend.

Hartlepool Defender Scott Harrison Uses Vanishing Spray On Injured Referee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short and sweet but it made us titter none the less, here's Hartlepool United defender Scott Harrison using vanishing spray to mark out an injured referee during Tuesday evening's 2-0 away win over Oxford United...

No encroaching, please. Now, IS ANYBODY HERE A DOCTOR?

Under-Fire Roma Players Talk To Fans After Dismal 3-0 Home Defeat To Fiorentina (Photos & Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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In scenes similar to those at Borussia Dortmund earlier this season, Roma players spoke to their fans at the Stadio Olimpico after a shocking 3-0 home defeat to Fiorentina in the Europa League.

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Manager Rudi Garcia's magic has deserted him this season, with theGiallorossi'spenchant for draws stifling their Serie A title hopes.

Europa No Hopers: Everton Ejected By Succession Of Stunning Dynamo Kiev Screamers (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

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That's it. Kaput. There is tobe zippoEnglish presence in the quarter-finals of this season'sEuropean competitions after Everton, our finalremaining representatives, were consummately expunged from the Europa League by Dynamo Kiev earlier this evening.

Random Great Goals: Liverpool Legend Ian Rush Lashes One Home Against Man Utd, 1993 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a nod to this Sunday's biggie at Anfield, we thought we'd make our 'Random Great Goal' selection a little less random today.

From an era when top flight footballers still just used to look like Gary the pipe fitter who lived a couple of doors down, here's moustachioed maverick Ian Rush's slick pot-shot volley against Manchester Unitedin March,1993 a consolation strike in a 2-1 away win for United.

Tottenham Offer To Fly Season Ticket Holders To Newcastle Game On Private Jet For Just £2.50

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By Chris Wright

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In a rather lovely gesture of their appreciation, Tottenham have laid on free coach travel for supporters planning to make the 560-mile round trip to Newcastlenext month.

Spurs haveacknowledged of the fact that the Sunday afternoon fixture on April 19th will be a bit of a pig in terms of transport arrangements and as such agreed to waive the cost of going to the game on their official supporters' coaches.

England Squad For Lithuania Qualifier And Italy Friendly Hit By Force 12 Harry Kane!

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By Chris Wright

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Roy Hodgson has announced his England squad for next Friday's Euro 2016 qualifier against Lithuania and the Italy friendly the Tuesday thereafter and... *drum roll please* ...Harry Kane has received his first ever senior call up.

Football Vine: Edin Dzeko Has ‘Funny Turn’ On Man City Bench At Nou Camp

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By Alan Duffy

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I have no idea what Edin Dzeko is doing here. Whilst warming the bench during Manchester City's 1-0 defeat at the Nou Camp on Wednesday night, the Bosnian striker had a 'moment'. Was he sneezing? Or doing a mime of a drunk donkey trying to put on lipstick?

Oranje Crush: The Netherlands’ New 2015 Away Shorts Are Fantastic (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Courtesy of the good people at Nike, the Netherlands have got themselves a new away kit for 2015 and we overall suppose it's nice enough in a fairly straightforward White/Oranje kind of way...

But the shorts oh, the shorts...

Beautiful. They hark back to a simpler time, a better time in kit design the early-to-mid 1990s where the Ribena was always spiked and absolutely anything was fair game.

Champions League: Barcelona 1-0 Man City (Agg 3-1) – All Hart But No Joy For Citizens At Nou Camp (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Barcelona 1-0 Manchester City (Agg: 3-1) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 18th March 2015

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Manchester City failed to turn around a 1-2 aggregate scoreline at the Nou Camp last night, in a game the hosts could have won by a cricket score.

Snapshot: Lionel Messi Is Priceless…

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By Chris Wright

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Yep, that about sums it up.

Football GIF: Pep Guardiola Can Barely Watch As Lionel Messi Nutmegs James Milner

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By Chris Wright

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Man City were sent sprawlingout of the Champions League tonight by a Barcelona team operatingon a different plane of existence with Lionel Messi proving, once again, to be the diamond-tipped blade on their cutting edge.

We'll have plenty of reaction slapped up as and when, but we're signing off tonight with our highlight (other than Joe Hart's immense string of one-on-one saves seriously, we think that might be the best we've ever seen him play).

Are Chelsea Completely Paranoid, Delusional, Or Both?

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By Chris Wright

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"9/11 was an inside job man! The CIA killed Kurt!"

Strap yourselves in folks, it's tin-foil hat time at The Bridge again.

Tying in nicely with the paranoid sense of authoritarian collusion whichhas been percolating away nicely at Chelsea over the past few weeks and months (years?

Bad News Keeps On Coming For Parma, New Chairman Giampietro Manenti Arrested On Suspicion Of Money Laundering

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By Chris Wright

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Consider this your bi-weekly "Parma are circling the drain" update.

Over the past month or so we've heard how the penniless club have been sold for €1 twice in as many weeks and how they've begun to chuck their dressing room furniture up on Ebay in a bid to raise a few pennies here and there.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s New Nike Superfly CR7 Boots Are Super Shiny And Super Glittery (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's been a fortnight since the last time, so Nike have rolled out another new design for their top-tier Mercurials.

Dubbed the 'Superfly CR7 Silverware', the new boots look tailor-made for the eponymous glitter princess himself, Cristiano Ronaldo.

Random Great Goals: Arsenal’s Eduardo Tucks Away A Beauty One Year After His Gruesome Leg Break, 2009 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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In an attempt to buck upthe Arsenal fans among our flock on this sour day of introspection and soul-searching, we thought we'd transport them back to a happier time the day they successfully beatBurnley 3-0 in the fifth round of the FA Cup in March, 2009.

White Line Fever: Completely Farcical Dive Rewarded With Penalty In Chinese FA Cup Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during a recent Chinese FA Cup game that we can't quite pinpoint, we bear witness to a shockingly atrocious piece of "contact anticipation".

Basically, the attacking player simply waits until he sees the white line of the penalty area go beneath his feet and then just plummets tothe deck despite there not being a defender within four or fivefeet of him.

Luton Town’s Kenilworth Road To Be Renamed ‘Prostate Cancer UK Stadium’ For One Day To Help Raise Awareness

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By Chris Wright

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Luton Town have announced that their Kenilworth Road ground in to be renamed the "Prostate Cancer UK Stadium" for one day and one day only in order to raise awareness of the disease and the charity's continuing efforts to combat it.

Fernando Torres Chooses Very Poetic Way To Describe His Four-Year Funk At Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

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On paper, Fernando Torres' time at Chelsea doesn't look too shabby with anot-entirely-shambolic goal record of 46 in 172 appearances and an FA Cup, a Europa League and a Champions League titleto show for his four years at Stamford Bridge.

Benfica Young’n Romario Balde Attempts Dreadful ‘Panenka’ Penalty During UEFA Youth League Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We don't think we're being unfair in describing Benfica youngster Romario Balde's run-out in the UEFA Youth League on Tuesday evening as a stone cold stinker.

Already 1-0 up over Shakhtar, Benfica won themselves a penalty which Balde manfully stepped up to convert.

Champions League: Monaco 0-2 Arsenal (Agg: 3-3) – Groundhog Day For Gunners After Another Glorious Euro-Failure (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Monaco 0-2 Arsenal (Agg: 3-3 Monaco win on away goals) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 17th March 2015

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The Last 16 of the Champions League just wouldn't feel right if Arsenal didn't crash out after a disastrous first-leg followed by a heroic failure in the return fixture.

St Patrick’s Day Special: 10 English Footballers Who Played For The Republic Of Ireland

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By Chris Wright

As you may have noticed by now, it's St Patrick's Day, so as a nod to all things Gaelic, Piesthought we'd have a little look-see at those gentlemen who, despite being born in England, decided to represent the Republic of Ireland with pride much like Saint Paddy himself.

Blackburn Rovers Fan Has Birthday Cake Sabotaged By Burnley-Supporting Baker (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Imagine the scene. After spending several minutes marvelling at the expertise shown in the icing of your superb Blackburn Rovers birthday cake, you begin to salivate in anticipation as you make the first incision into the spectacular sponge creation lying afore ye.

First Time Scotland Call-Up Matt Ritchie Admits He’s Never Actually Been To Scotland

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By Chris Wright

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On the back of an impressive season so far with Bournemouth, winger Matt Ritchie received his first international call-up earlier this week after finding himself included in the Scotland squad for next Wednesday's friendly against Northern Ireland as well theirEuro 2016 qualifier against Gibraltar the following Sunday.

70 Years Of Hurt: Brentford Fans Launch Petition Asking Chelsea To Return The London Wartime Cup They Won In 1942

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By Chris Wright

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Brentford fans have launched a petition asking Chelsea to return a Second World War-era trophy back to its rightful owners some 70 years after the cupwas last competed for.

ThoseBees fans concerned reckon that their club should be listed as the last winners of the London War Cup, having beaten Portsmouth in the last final to played, at Wembley in 1942.

Gymnastic Pitch Invader Manages Four Front Somersaults Before Being Escorted Away By Reading Stewards (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Reading comprehensively put paid to Bradford City's impressive FA Cup run at the second time of asking last night with a 3-0 victory in the quarter-final replay at the Madjeski.

However, performance of the night probably belonged to the interloperwho managed to hurdle his way onto the pitch and perform a stunning gymnastic sequence of four front roly-poliesbefore being dragged off by a horde of fluorescent orange coats.

Veteran Spanish Winger Joaquin Rolls Back The Years As Fiorentina Down Milan (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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A player who once cost Valencia 25m Euros back in 2006, winger Joaquin never quite lived up to that big-money move from Real Betis.

Now plying his trade in Serie A with Fiorentina, the 33-year-0ld still shows glimpses of the pace and power which made him such a coveted player.

Swansea 0-1 Liverpool – Reds Eye Top-Four Berth After Hard-Fought Win At Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-1 Liverpool Premier League 16th March 2015

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Liverpool kept alive their hopes of a top-four finish on Monday night, albeit thanks to a generous slice of luck.

Swansea impressed in the first period, with Simon Mignolet saving from bothBafetimbi Gomis and Gylfi Sigurdsson.

Cristiano Ronaldo Filmed Telling Real Madrid Fans To ‘Go F**k Themselves’ After Boos Start During Levante Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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It's no secret that all is not particularly rosey in the Real Madrid garden at the moment, witha supposed crisis in full swing (heaven help the rest of us) and supportersbeginning to bitch and moan about the team being through the Champions League quarter-finals and a full one point off the top of La Liga.

Random Great Goals: Rory Delap Sinks Tottenham With Trademark Acrobatic Overhead Kick, 2004 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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After saving himself for the right moment, Rory Delap scored his first goal for Southampton in just over two years when his spectacular bicycle kick just let that sink in for a moment bicycle kick(!) proved just enough forthe Saints to sinkthelegendary Tottenhamline-up of 2003/04 (Gary Doherty, Michael Brown, Anthony Gardner, Lars Hirschfeld, Helder Postiga, etc) at St Mary's.

Sacked: Sunderland Relieve Gus Poyet Of His Duties With Just Nine Games Of The Season Remaining

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By Chris Wright

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Just as he was bought in as a fire-fighter at the arse-end of last season, the wheel has turned and Gus Poyet is to be replaced by a fire-fighter for the arse-end of this.

Talk had been rifesince Sunderland went down 4-0 to the only Premier League team to have scored fewer goals than them so far this campaign at the weekend but, as of this afternoon, Poyet has been relieved of his duties at the Stadium of Light.

Salomon Kalou Faces €10,000 Fine After Being Caught Vandalising The Berlin Wall

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By Chris Wright

You wait years for a Hertha Berlin story and then two crop up at once. Sod's Law.

Anyway, Hertha forwardSalomon Kalou is potentially staring down the barrelof a hefty fine after being filming vandalising the Berlin Wall.

Kalou was seen chiselling off a pieceof the Wall as a memento as part of a segment being filmed by a local TV station about Hertha's 2-2 draw against Schalke on Saturday afternoon.

Hertha Berlin Midfielder Defies Bundesliga ‘Mask’ Rule To Pay Tribute To Young Fan Fighting Cancer With Spider-Man Goal Celebration

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By Chris Wright

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Despite the Bundesliga introducing a new law to discourageplayers from celebrating goals by donning masks only last week, Hertha Berlin'sAnis Ben-Hatira defied the threat of a mandatory yellow card to celebrate in a Spider-Man mask after netting his side's first goal against Schalke at the weekend.

10 Classic ‘Cheeky Dig’ Goal Celebrations

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By Chris Wright

With a nod to Wayne Rooney indulging in the time-honoured practice of having a cheekydig via hisgoal celebration at Old Trafford yesterday, we thought we'd have a timely butcher's at some others who have done likewise over the years...

1.

Man Utd 3-0 Tottenham – Mata Shines As Rampant Red Devils Shoot Down Limp Lilywhites (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 3-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 15th March 2015

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Manchester United produced a superb performance against Spurs on Sunday, with the Red Devils easily overpowering a disappointing Tottenham side.

‘This Sh*t Country Doesn’t Deserve PSG’ – Zlatan Inbrahimovic Throws Wobbly After Losing Game Of Football

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By Chris Wright

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Unable to swallowPSG losing 3-2 away againstBordeaux and missing the chance to go back to the top of the Ligue 1 summit, Zlatan Ibrahimovic placed the blame for his side's defeat squarely at the door of the supposedly inept officials on duty.

Football GIF: Wayne Rooney Celebrates With ‘Knock Out’ Goal Celebration vs Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

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Oh, how drole. Shortly after sticking away Manchester United's thirdgoal against Tottenham this afternoon, Rooney decided to 'ay a bit of fun with a "boxing" celebration swinging a few punches before getting himself poleaxed...

Chelsea 1-1 Southampton – Saints Battle To Well-Earned Point At Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-1 Southampton Premier League 15th March 2015

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Chelsea failed to make the most of Man City's defeat at Burnley, with the Blues playing out an entertaining 1-1 draw at home to Southampton.

The hosts took the lead on 11 minutes, with Diego Costa heading home his 18th goal of the season.

Burnley 1-0 Man City – Clarets Boyd By Victory As Citizens Slip At Turf Moor (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 1-0 Manchester City Premier League 14th March 2015

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Manchester City's inconsistencies this season look like costing them the Premier League title, with a defeat away to Burnley a disastrous result for the current champions.

Wayne Rooney KO’ed By Phil Bardsley After Kitchen Boxing Japes Go Wrong (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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Twitter is awash this morning with this incredible video of Wayne Rooney getting knocked out in his own kitchen. So who are we to eschew the bandwagon!

Apparently it's from last month, but it's bizarre stuff, with Rooney and his former Man Utd team-mate Phil Bardsley sparring in his swanky kitchen.

Crystal Palace 3-1 QPR – First-Half Blitz Fires Eagles To Deserved Win Against Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 3-1 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 14th March 2015

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A dismal first-half defensive display sent QPR to yet another defeat against a vibrant Crystal Palace side on Saturday.

The Hoops simply had no answer to the Eagles speed and power, with young full-back Darnell Furlong taken apart by Yannick Bolasie time and time again.

Arsenal 3-0 West Ham – Slick Gunners Eye Top Two Berth After Nailing Hammers At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-0 West Ham United Premier League 14th March 2015

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Arsenal moved to within a point of second-placed Manchester City after a fine win at home to West Ham.

The Gunners bossed the game, but with Theo Walcott failing to make the most of a couple of a good first-half chances, it took until just before the break for the breakthrough to come.

Sunderland 0-4 Aston Villa – Black Cats Neutered After Villans’ First-Half Blitz (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-4 Aston Villa Premier League 14th March 2015

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Tim Sherwood's revitalised Villans secured a fantastic win at the Stadium of Light on Saturday after an incredible, goal-filled first-half.

The home side simply couldn't live with Villa in the first period, with both Christian Benteke and Gabriel Agbonlahor (on his 300 PL appearance) bagging a brace.

Danish Magazine Pay To Make Lord Nicklas Bendtner An Actual Lord

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By Chris Wright

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"Kiss the feet of yourlord, peasant"

The day is finally uponus. Nicklas Bendtner has a title. As of today, Lord Bendtner is a real lord.

Danish magazine SE Og HØRhave paid to buy a 30cmsquare metre of land on a country estate in the west of Scotland and registered it in Bendtner's name, therefore making him a lord (though as hisland is in Scotland he's technicallya laird by rights) of the manor.

Random Great Goals: Germany Momentarily Rocked As Liechtenstein Score Their Greatest Ever Goal, 1996 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We don't claim to be experts on the subject but we're guessing that the list of "beautiful goals scored by the Liechtenstein national side" isn't exactly Ulyssean in length especially what with them only scoring 68 goals in their 158-gameexistenceand all.

Your Chance To Win A UEFA Champions League Collector’s Edition HTC Smartphone

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Your Chance To Win A UEFA Champions League Collector's Edition HTC Smartphone

HTC brings fans closer to the action.

Fancy getting your hands on a truly unique UEFA Champions League Collector's Edition Smartphone? We've teamed up with UEFA partner HTC, a global leader in mobile innovation and design, to offer one lucky reader the chance to win an award-winning Smartphone that has been specially crafted with the football fan in mind.

Dutch Side PEC Zwolle Produce Brilliant ‘Teletext’ Shirts To Commemorate KNVB Cup Final Win Over Ajax (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

To commemorate their stunning 5-1 win over Ajax in last season's KNVB Cup Final, Dutch side PEC Zwolle have begun flogging these rather natty Teletext-inspired t-shirts.

The shirts capture Zwolle's momentous achievement as it would've been displayed on "Teletekst" back in days of yore.

Artur Boruc Would Like To Dance For You (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Don't ask us. We haven't got a clue.

‘The City Is Uglier Than The Back Of A Fridge’ – David De Gea’s Girlfriend Does Stellar Work For Manchester Tourist Board

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By Chris Wright

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"*cough cough* shithole *cough cough*"

David De Gea's significant other has dropped him right in it with a few choice comments about his adopted city that are unlikely to go down too well with the Manchester Tourist Board.

Vitolo Takes 13.21 Seconds To Score Fastest Goal In Europa League History As Sevilla Paste Villarreal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sevilla winger Vitolo didn't hang about in his effortsto make history in the Europa League last night, taking precisely 13.21 seconds to score the competition's fastest ever goal the openerin his side's 3-1 victory over Villarreal...

Here's the GIF version just in case.

Officially The ‘Worst Team In The World’, Bhutan Play First Ever World Cup Qualifying Game…And Win!

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By Chris Wright

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Despite being ranked as the 209th best international side in a field of 209 sides, Bhutan recordeda remarkable shock win to get their 2018 World Cup qualifying campaign off to a flyer!

Having only joined FIFA in 2000, Bhutan are currently officially rankedthe worst team in the world yet still managed to battle their way to a 1-0 victory over Sri Lanka who are perched a lofty 36 rungs higher on FIFA's ranking ladder in their first ever World Cup qualifying fixture in Colombo on Thursday.

Europa League: Everton 2-1 Dynamo Kiev – Lukaku Makes History As Toffees Battle To Much-Needed Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Dynamo Kiev Europa League Last 16 First Leg 12th March 2015

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Romelu Lukaku inspired Everton to a much-needed victory at Goodison Park on Thursday night, as the Toffees came from a goal down against Dynamo Kiev.

Puskas Award Runner-Up Stephanie Roche Nets Another Cracker (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

That famous goal for Peamount United in October 2013 catapulted Stephanie Roche into the spotlight and resulted in the Dubliner bagging runner-up spotfor the 2014 FIFA Puskas Award, behind James Rodriguez and his World Cup stunner.

More recently, the 25-year-old signed for US club Houston Dash, but on Wednesday Roche produced another fine moment of goal-scoring prowess.

Say Queso! Dani Osvaldo Celebrates Scoring For Boca Juniors With Pitchside Group Photo

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By Chris Wright

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After a spate of brief and largely barren dalliances with Southampton,Juventus and Inter Milan over the past few months, Dani Osvaldo returned to his native Argentina to sign with Boca Juniors (his fourth club in two years) in early February and, as of time of writing, it would appear that he's having a happier time of it back home.

Boris Becker Apologises After Being Spotted Wearing Chelsea Headhunters Scarf At Stamford Bridge

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By Chris Wright

Boris Becker has apologised after being spotted at last night's Champions League tie at Stamford Bridge wearing a scarf bearing the name of Chelsea's most notorious hooligan firm.

Becker was photographed standing in a VIP box with a Chelsea Headhunters scarf draped around his shoulders, causing several onlookers to question his choice of attire.

Mugged Off: Enner Valencia Ruled Out Of West Ham’s Trip To Arsenal After Standing On Broken Tea Cup At Home

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By Chris Wright

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One for the ever-swelling "Daft Injuries" file here, with the news that Enner Valencia has been ruled out of West Ham's upcoming trip to Arsenal after injuring himself in a domestic cup-related injury.

According to a statement issued on the official West Ham site, Valencia suffered a "deep laceration" on his toe after accidentally treading on a broken tea cup.

Ecuadorian Goalkeeper Feigns Being KO’d To Waste Time, Instant Karma Kicks Him Square In The Knackers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"omg so knocked out right now lol"

With injury time just starting and the scores locked at 1-1, Ecuadorian sideBarcelona SC looked like about to sneak a drawagainst Colombian high-fliers Atletico Nacional in the Copa Libertadoreson Thursday evening.

Roma Captain Francesco Totti Sends Signed Armband To Swedish Fan Injured In Car Accident (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With all the bickering and chuntering going on in the football sphere this morning, it's an absolutepleasure to bring you a story that doesn't involve someone harassing a referee or pretending to be snapped in twain.

After learning that a Roma fan had been seriously injured in a car accident in Sweden, club captain Francesco Totti went out of his way to write a personal "get well soon" messageas well astucking a special surprise gift inside the envelope for good measure.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Accuses Chelsea Of ‘Acting Like Babies’ To Get Him Sent Off

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By Chris Wright

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has derided Chelsea for "acting like babies" in their (successful) attempts to get him sent off in the truly shameful Champions League bitch-fest that played out at Stamford Bridge last night.

Chelsea's entire outfield (barring Oscar, who was in full histrionic mode, screaming into the turf at the time) swarmed around referee Bjorn Kuipers after the Swedish striker went in for a fairly standard 50/50 challenge with the Brazilian with the ensuing engineered cacophony coaxing the referee into brandishing the red in Zlatan's direction with just 31 minutes played.

Champions League: Chelsea 2-2 PSG – Belligerent Blues Shot Down At Bridge By 10-Man Paris (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-2 Paris Saint-Germain (Agg: 3-3 PSG win on away goals) Champions League Quarter-Final 2nd Leg 12th March 2015

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On a nasty, niggly night in west London, Jose Mourinho's Chelsea were dumped out of the Champions League courtesy of a superb performence from a 10-man PSG side.

Random Great Goals: David Beckham Gives Juan Veron’s Sumptuous Through-Ball The Finish It Deserves, 2002 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With a prospective quadruple still on the cards, Manchester United were in serious danger of wibbling into the New Year on a downward keel after slipping toback-to-back league defeats at the hands of Blackburn and Middlesbrough as2002 drew to a close.

Aston Villa Fan Serenades Tim Sherwood With Loving Rendition Of ‘You’ve Got A Friend’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a date at Wembley in the bag and some goals to finally crow about, Tim Sherwood's arrival at Aston Villa is in extremely relative terms akin to a brave new dawn at Villa Park.

In fact, so enamoured with Sherwood's seismic impact at Villa (two wins in four games) is fan NevilleEdmead, that he's decided to capture his feelings using the medium of 1970s soft rock.

‘They Can’t Buy Me With A Piece Of Paper’ – Parisian Man Racially Abused By Chelsea Fans Refuses Club’s VIP Ticket Invite

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By Chris Wright

The poor chap who was physically prevented from boarding a Paris Metro train by a gaggle of moronic Chelsea fans last month has criticised the club'sattempt to recompense him for his trouble.

The fans in question gleefully chanted "We're racist and that's the way we like it" at Souleymane S, as he's known,while repeatedly shoving him from the train carriage after the first leg of the Champions League last 16 tie between Chelsea and PSG.

There Are Few More Beautiful Sights In Nature Than Demba Ba In Full Flight (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

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It's not secret that we bloody love Demba Ba here at Pies after all, how could you not love a man who has scored not once but twice with his backside in the past 12 months?

Ba'sgangly, lolloping technique is like no other: flailing about wildlylike his hip, knee and shoulder joints are held together with nothingbut room temperature blu-tack and a kiss for good luck.

Shit Lookalikes: Danny Welbeck & This Yawning Turtle…

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By Chris Wright

Apologies as we're slightly slow on the uptake here, but here's a worldy of a spot from Pies fan Ben Kelly from Monday night's FA Cup action...

Uncanny! A doff of the cap is definitely due.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Bung it over to us via email at waatpies@gmail.

Borussia Dortmund Launch ‘No Beer For Racists’ Campaign With One Million Anti-Neo-Nazi Beermats

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By Chris Wright

With the city of Dortmund itself currently struggling with a escalating neo-Nazi scene, Borussia Dortmund have launched a new campaign designed to hit the right-wing lunatic fringe where it really hurts: their beer.

As part of a zero-tolerance approach to discrimination of any kind, Dortmund's new campaign is called "No Beer For Racists"and had seen the club print one million beermats which have been circulated around local bars and clubs.

Football Art: Monument To England’s Failure Sells At Auction For £425,000

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By Chris Wright

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An artwork by Italian sculptor Maurizio Cattelanwhich lists every England football defeat between 1874 and 1998 has sold at auction for £425,000.

According to Art Daily, the sculpture was sold to an anonymous bidder at Sotheby's on Tuesday morning via a French-speaking member of staff.

Say It With Carrots: Cologne Striker Anthony Ujah Visits Hennes The Goat To Make Amends In Person (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As you may recall, Cologne striker Anthony Ujah got into a spot of bother over the weekend for man-handling the club's beloved mascot, Hennes the goat, after scoring against Eintracht Frankfurt on Saturday.

After publicly apologising to his "best friend" for being unduly rough, Ujah then sought to make amends with Hennes in person yesterday visiting the little chap's stables to wish him many happy returns on his birthday as well as festooning him with gifts of fresh carrotsand the like.

Random Great Goals: Ray Wilkins Gets His Lob On Against Belgium At Euro 1980 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

England's outstandingly handsome Euro 1980ensemble

Largely remembered for his proto-Cleverley propensity to go sideways and a textbook case of male pattern baldness, Ray Wilkins could also play a bit in his day as a CV boasting stints at Chelsea, Manchester United and AC Milan duly attests.

Sam Allardyce, Malky Mackay And The Groupon Offer Of A Lifetime!

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By Chris Wright

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"Knowing me, knowing you is the best I can do..."

Presenting what surely must be the Groupon offer of a lifetime: 42% off your chance to see Big Sam and Malky Mackay in conversation with pointy-chinned Sky Sports News waffler Adam Leventhal in the opulent surroundings of Gibson Hall in London WITH A THREE COURSE MEAL (at Big Sam's insistence).

Snapshot: Poor Old Mesut Ozil Just Can’t Win At The Moment…

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By Chris Wright

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They're all winners in Pies' eyes

As our pals over at Anorak have pointed out, no football match is complete withoutwithout newspapers awarding players a score out of 10 afterwards with last night's FA Cup ding-dong between Manchester United and Arsenal beingno different.

Classic Moments: Red Mist Descends As Paolo Di Canio Pushes Referee Paul Alcock Over, 1998 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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FAO Angel Di Maria: If you're going to get yourself sent off for putting your hands on the referee at least have the dignity to do it properly as infamously demonstrated in a moment of hot-headed madness by the usually shy and demure Paolo Di Canio at Hillsborough in 1998.

Booked Twice In A Minute During Man Utd Vs Arsenal? Angel Di Maria Has Previous With Real Madrid (Vine & Video)

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By Alan Duffy

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Poor old Angel Di Maria hasn't quite lived up to his £60m price tag for Manchester United this season. In the Red Devils' 2-1 FA Cup defeat to Arsenal on Monday night, the Argentine winger did provide a fine assist for Wayne Rooney's goal.

FA Cup: Man Utd 1-2 Arsenal – Well, Well, Welbeck! Danny Fires Gunners To Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-2 Arsenal FA Cup Quarter-Final 9th March 2015

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Deemed surplus to requirements at Old Trafford by Louis Van Gaal last summer, Danny Welbeck proved to be the match-winner in a rousing FA clash between these two old footballing war horses.

£350m Down The Toilet: Brazil’s Most Expensive World Cup Stadium Currently Being Used As Bus Depot

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By Chris Wright

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In a revelation that shouldn't come as a shock to anybody, it's been revealed that the 2014 World Cup's most expensive stadium, the Estadio Mane Garrincha in Brasilia, is currently being used as a bus depot.

According to official estimates, the 72,000-seater stadium cost approximately £350million to build, making it the second most expensive football stadium of all time (behind Wembley).

BBC Football Reporter Forced To Take Over As Emergency Linesman After Injury Strikes In Conference Game

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By Chris Wright

Poor old BBC reporter Matt Mesiano got a damn sight more than he bargained for when he toddled along to observe local side Hemel Hempstead Town's game against Bath City on Saturday afternoon.

Mesiano was charged with reporting back from the Conference South fixture for BBC Three Counties Radio, but instead ended the evening as a stand-in linesman after the official on duty pulled up with a calf injury after just 10 minutes.

Random Great Goals: Robin Van Persie Spanks One In Off The Post Against Blackburn, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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On the very day (26th November 2005 to be exact) that Thierry Henry became the first ever Arsenal player to score100 goals at Highbury, it was two of his junior colleaguesthat helped assure all three points were taken against Blackburn.

Costa Rican Defender Scores Most Skilful Own-Goal Of 2015 So Far With Virtuoso Finish (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've only just hit March but it seems that Guanacasteca defender Michael Duran may have already got one hand on the Festus Baise Award for the most skilfully-executed own-goal of the yearwith his supremely nonchalant effort againstPuntarenas in the Costa Rican top flight this weekend.

Pachuca Medical Staff Give Club America Winger Osvaldo Martinez X-Ray On Touchline Midway Through Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Just a bit on indigestion boss, honest"

Mexican side Pachuca broke new ground several months ago by becoming the first football team to conduct in-house half-time surgery on one of their players,Dario Cvitanich.

Cvitanich's knee surgery was broadcast live to the media, with the club's award-winning medical team receiving plaudits for their innovativetreatment of the striker's injury, sustained in the first half of the match.

Indonesian Sportswear Company Apologise For Putting Incredibly Sexist Washing Instructions On Their Football Kits (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

An Indonesian sportswear company have apologised afterseeing the"humorous" (circa 1965) washing instructions they printed inside one of their football kits back-fire.

For reasons beyond our comprehension, Salvo Sports printed "Washing instructions: Give this jersey to your woman IT'S HER JOB" inside theirPusamania Borneo FC replica shirts.

Anthony Ujah Apologises For Attempting To Mount Cologne’s Club Mascot, Hennes The Goat, After Scoring Against Frankfurt

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By Chris Wright

Cologne striker Anthony Ujah has issued a public apology to his club's mascot after manhandling Hennes the goat after scoring against Eintracht Frankfurt on Saturday.

Ujah rammed one home in the 82nd minute to put Cologne 4-1 over Frankfurt before charging over to Hennes and forcibly attempting to mount him.

FA Cup: Liverpool 0-0 Blackburn – All Square At Anfield As Rovers Push Reds All The Way (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Blackburn Rovers FA Cup Quarter-Finals 8th March 2015

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11th in the Championship they might well be, but on Sunday Blackburn Rovers played out a deserved draw at Anfield in the last eight of the Cup.

QPR 1-2 Tottenham – Capital Kane Keeps Lilywhites In Euro-Hunt At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 7th March 2015

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A Harry Kane brace heaped more misery on strugglers QPR on Saturday at Loftus Road, while keeping Tottenham's top-four hopes well an truly alive.

Gareth Bale Hits Post From 50 Yards With Audacious Effort As Real Madrid Lose To Bilbao (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Gareth Bale has endured a bit of a mixed time at Real Madrid in recent months. However, the Welsh wonder remains a tremendous talent and at the weekend, he produced a fine bit of skill for Real Madrid.

Seeing Atheltic Bilbao 'keeper Gorka Iraizozoff his line, Bale launched a long-range effort, from around 50 yards, which evaded the glovesman but came back off the post.

Heroic: Grays Athletic Manager Mark Bentley Scores Equaliser Then Saves Late Penalty After Subbing Himself On (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Super Benno, leading by example

Grays Athletic manager Mark Bentley put in a heroic cameo shift for his side on Wednesday evening, providing the inspiration for an unlikely come-from-behind victory against Ryan Premier League rivalsHampton & Richmond Borough.

FA Cup: Aston Villa 2-0 West Brom – Villans Set For Wembley After Spiky Clash With Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 2-0 West Bromwich Albion FA Cup Quarter-Final 7th March 2015

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Tim Sherwood guided Aston Villa to a Wembley Cup semi-final after a fierce derby clash at Villa Park on Saturday.

The Baggies started well with Brown Ideye going close on more than one occasion.

Marseille Goalkeeper Steve Mandanda Catches Bottle Thrown From The Crowd, Offers Journalist A Drink

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By Chris Wright

Marseille trounced Toulouse 6-1 on their own patch over in Ligue 1on Friday night a result which obviously (and understandably) left the home fans feeling a little aggrieved.

Indeed, a bottle of water appeared to be lobbed from the crowd as Steve Mandanda was conducting a post-game interview atpitch-side not that it phased the Marseille goalkeeper one bit.

Aston Villa Fan Celebrates FA Cup Quarter-Final Victory By Invading Pitch With Sex Toy Stuck To His Head (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With a trip to Wembley sealed after beating West Brom this evening to reach the semi-finals of the FA Cup, it appears the excitement got the better of this guy who took to the Villa Park pitch with a marital aid adhered to his bald pate...

The knob head.

Jonny Evans Given Six-Match Ban For Spitting At Papiss Cisse, Papiss Cisse Gets Seven For Spitting At Jonny Evans

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By Chris Wright

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SALIVA HADOUKEN!

After several daysof consternation, the FA have decreed this morning that Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse will serve suspensions of six and seven matches respectively for spitting at each other on Wednesday night.

Marseille Goalkeeper Steve Mandanda Cold As Ice While Dealing With Bottle Thrown From The Crowd (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Marseille trounced Toulouse 6-1 on their own patch over in Ligue 1on Friday night a result which obviously (and understandably) left the home fans feeling a little aggrieved.

Indeed, a bottle of water appeared to be lobbed from the crowd as Steve Mandanda was conducting a post-game interview atpitch-side not that it phased the Marseille goalkeeper one bit.

Iranian Football Chairman Ends Interview By Punching Reporter In The Balls (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Narked after being doorstepped by a gaggle of reporters prying into the running ofhis team, Bahram Afsharzade, chairman of Esteghlal one of Iran's biggest clubs returnedwhat he obviously deemed a low blow (in journalistic terms) with one of his very own.

‘I Told Barcelona We Should Sign Him’ – Ronaldinho Waxes Lyrical About Frank Lampard After Picking Him In Champions League Dream XI

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By Chris Wright

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Having won the thing with Barcelona in 2006 as well as sharing a pitch with a whole phalanxof illustrious namesover the years, Ronaldinho was faced with a spot of tricky whittling down when asked by the Daily Mail to select his Champions League dream team recently.

Random Great Goals: Keisuke Honda’s Freekick Bends The Laws Of Physics, 2007 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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More than ayear before making his senior international debut for Japan, a young (pre-peroxide) Keisuke Honda turned out for the U23 string in a2008 Summer Olympics qualifier against Hong Kong.

With the Japanese already 3-0 up and cruising toward the next phase of the preliminary rounds, the 21-year-old Honda took his time lining up a free-kick on the outer reaches of the Hong Kong penalty area

Little did the watching world know that they were about to witness the very laws of physics be manipulated in front of their very eyes.

Your Chance To Win A Signed Pair Of Manchester United Legend Peter Schmeichel’s Gloves

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Peter Schmeichel has been talkling to us at the launch of HTC's UEFA Collectors Edition ‘Champions' handset.

And he gave us a pair of his signed goalkeeper's gloves to give away to Pies readers.

To enter, 'LIKE' us on FACEBOOK and add your name in the comments below.

Head Spinner: Austrian Side FC Pinzgau Unveil Pioneering New ‘Dizzy Penalty’ Training Drill (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This post is bought to you by Vic Reeves and The Wonderstuff, for soon-to-be-obvious reasons.

Here we seeAustrian third division side FC Pinzgaudebuting their pioneering new penalty training drill, which involves having their players spin around until they're deliriously dizzy before having themattempt to tuck away a simple spot-kick into an empty net.

Israeli Midfielder Rafi Dahan, 25, Forced To Retire One Year After Suffering Broken Leg In ‘Worst Tackle Ever’

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By Chris Wright

Bnei Yehuda midfielder Rafi Dahan has been forced into early retirement this week as a direct result of one of the worst tackles we here at Pies have ever had the misfortune of seeing.

Aged just 25, Dahan was left with no option but to call time on his career almost exactly one year to the day he had his leg broken by an egregious two-footedlungefromMaccabi HaifadefenderRuben Rayos.

Ronald Koeman Takes Southampton Squad To Play Ice Hockey, Much Falling Over Ensues (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In pursuit of a little mid-season morale boostwith 10 league games left to go, Ronald Koeman has taken his Southampton squad to Switzerland for a few days of team-building shenanigans.

With the whole thing looking decidedly chilly, Koeman had his boys take to the ice yesterday for a spot of hockey and, as you may well expect, the results bordered on comical.

Cristiano Ronaldo Dances Arounds Like A Plum In Advert For New CR7 Footwear Line (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in order to shill his new signature CR7 footwear collection, Cristiano Ronaldodances for you.

He'll be your private dancer
A dancer for money
He'll do what you want him to do.

He'll be your private dancer
A dancer for money
Any old music will do.

Man City 0-2 Leicester – Silva And Milner Keep Below-Par Citizens In Title Race (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City Leicester City Premier League 4th March 2015

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Man City kept the pressure on Chelsea at the top of the table despite a less-than-convincing home win against Leicester.

The goals for the Citizens came at the end of both halves, with David Silva prodding home just before half-time and James Milner netting after good wood from Jesus Navas.

Statistical Proof That Cristiano Ronaldo Is A Bit Bobbins At Taking Free-Kicks

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By Chris Wright

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As of late, there has been increasing concern amid certainSpanish press circles that Cristiano Ronaldo is actually regressing when it comes to taking free-kicks.

Ronaldo'sset-piece calling card has long been him going through all three minutes of his vainglorious "baby owl stance" pre-free-kick rigmarole before clattering a 100mph shot into the shins of some unlucky putz in the wall, but at least he used to stick the odd one away to keep everybody happy.

West Ham 0-1 Chelsea – Hazard Heads Home As Blues Battle To Boleyn Ground Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 0-1 Chelsea Premier League 4th March 2015

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Chelsea maintained their five point lead at the top of the Premier League after a hard-fought win at Upton Park.

Eden Hazard scored the decisive goal on 22 minutes, heading home from a Ramires centre.

Gob Shites: Football’s 10 Worst Spitters

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By Chris Wright

In "tribute" (not entirely sure that's the right word, to be honest) to Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse swapping bodily fluids with one another last night, here's 10 more infamous footballing spit-gits...

1. Frank Rijkaard

Perhaps the most famous of all football spitting incidents, Rijkaard was nicknamed 'The Llama' by the German press after leaving a slimy little bauble of phlegm dangling inRudi Voller's densetressesat Italia 90.

Still Got It: Paul Scholes Demonstrates Instant Control While Punditing For BT Sport (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that he's been retired for that long, but former Manchester United man Paul Scholesprovedthat his first touch hasn't abandoned him at St James' Parklast night.

While providing pitch-side punditry for BT Sport, the man they used to all "Sat Nav"expertly used the back of his head to bring down awayward pass with a deft piece of control.

Winston Reid Signs Massive Six-And-A-Half-Year West Ham Contract, Now Tied To Club Until The Distant Future

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By Chris Wright

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By the time Winston Reid's new West Ham contract runs out, we'll all be wearing silver tunics and pootling around floating hyper-cities in driverless wheeliepods.

Putting paid, at least theoretically, to supposed interest from Arsenal, Tottenhamand Liverpool, the Hammers have signed the Kiwi centre-back up on a massive six-and-a-half-year deal, reportedly worth around £19.

Football Vine: Jonny Evans And Papiss Cissé Spit At Each Other During Newcastle Vs Man Utd Clash

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By Alan Duffy

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These two players could well find themselves in serious trouble with the footballing authorities after footage appeared to show the two eejits involved in saliva-lobbing stupidity.

Man Utd defender Jonny Evans starts the spitting nonsense before Newcastle hitman Papiss Cissé hits back with a close-range gob.

Snapshot: Jonas Gutierrez Comes On For Newcastle For First Time In 18 Months…

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By Chris Wright

No biggie. Just Jonas Gutierrez coming on for Newcastle after spending the last 18 months being diagnosed, treated and then recovering from testicular cancer...

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Fitting also, that he should come on for Ryan Taylor, himselfno stranger to acolossalinjury lay-off or two.

Swansea Confirm Bafetimbi Gomis Is ‘Fine’ After Striker Collapses On Pitch During Tottenham Game

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By Chris Wright

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There were troubling scenes at White Hart Lane (the same ground to witness Fabrice Muamba's collapse in 2012) tonight when Swansea striker Bafetimbi Gomis appeared to faint during the game against Tottenham.

Gomis appeared to bend down to adjust his shinpads and never made it up again, lying motionless on the turf for several minutes while treatment was administered.

Random Great Goals: Jari Litmanen & Mikael Forssell Combine To Devastating Effect Against Norway, 2000 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Perhaps football'smost underrated and under-appreciated world class player, Jari Litmanen was a regalthingto beholdin full flight even as he moved into his late 30s and early 40s.

We join Litmanen at the latter end of his prime here as we see him combine effortlessly with the man who was supposed to usurp him as the crown prince of Finnish football, Mikael Forssell, to put Scandinavian rivals Norway to the sword in August of 2000.

Terminally-Ill Club Brugge Fan Postpones Euthanasia Appointment To Go And Watch His Team Play One Last Time

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By Chris Wright

Club Brugge fan Lorre Schoonbaert and his young daughter Dina

Club Brugge's 3-0 home win over local rivals Mouscron in the Belgian top tier was notable for two reasons.

Firstly, the victory kept Club Brugge at the top of thetable and on course to win their first league title in a decade.

Super Sub: Chilean Midfielder Stretchered Off After Injuring Himself Jogging Onto Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Santiago Wanderers midfielder Marco Medel failed to make the kind of impact his coachwas hoping for when he came on as a substitute in the 55th minute of his side's goalless draw againstUniversidad de Concepcion at the weekend.

Medel somehow managed to pick up a knock in the act of running onto the pitch, lasting a full 20 seconds before going down in agony and having to be stretcheredoff.

Lukas Podolski Voted Serie A’s Second Worst January Signing, Mohamed Salah Triumphs At Other End Of Scale

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By Chris Wright

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That's right Lukas, second worst

After a month-and-a-bit of precisely nothing much, Lukas Podolski has been voted as Serie A's second worst January purchase by readers of Gazzetta dello Sport.

Gazzetta conducted an online poll and found that Podolski, who initially impressed on his Inter debut before regressing into rank averageness, came a close second in the "flop" poll behind AC Milan forwardAlessio Cerci, who has singularly failed to get going after returning to the Rossoneri followinghisill-fated and prematurely-nixed loan move to Atletico Madrid.

Minute Man: Wycombe Striker Matt McClure Sent-Off 70 Seconds After Coming On As Substitute

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By Chris Wright

Promotion-chasing Wycombe Wanderers toiled to a 2-1 away victory over Tranmere Rovers in League Two on Tuesday night, but they were forced to do so with ten men for the last 20 minutes of the game at Prenton Park.

The win saw Wycombe cement themselves in third place in the table, not that striker Matt McClure (you may remember him from such films as "Gone in 70 Seconds" and "The Thin Red Card") was much help with the forward getting himself sent-off just one minute after coming on as a second-half substitute.

Cristiano Ronaldo Sends Stylist To Brush His Waxwork’s Hair ‘Once A Month’

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By Chris Wright

"Well hello beautiful. Come here often?"

In "least surprising revelation of the day" news, it has emerged that Cristiano Ronaldo sends a personal stylist to the Museo Cera wax museum in Madrid on a monthly basis in order to brush his waxwork's hair.

Adidas’ New ‘Love/Hate Tattoo’ F50 Boots Are A Professional Footballer’s Dream (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Ever wished your football boots looked like Daniel Agger's forearms? Well then, Adidas' latest creation should be right up your street.

Combining the two things professional footballers love the most in the whole wide world- gaudychintz and tat sleeves these be the new limited edition Love/Hate adizero f50s.

Retro Football: Silky-Skilled Schemer Vinny Jones Booked After Just Five Seconds For Sheffield United Vs Man City (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

On Tuesday night, Wycombe Wanderers' striker Matt McClure was sent off just 70 seconds after coming on as a second-half sub.McClure saw red on 68 minutes for leading with his arm while challenging for a header with Tranmere's Adam Dugdale(the Chairboys still won the game 2-1).

Football Vine: Steve Bruce And Gus Poyet Engage in Classic Touchline Spat During Hull Vs Sunderland

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By Alan Duffy

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You can't beat a good old-fashioned touchline spat, can you?! During Hull City's tense relegation clash with Sunderland on Tuesday night, Tigers' boss Steve Bruce and his Sunderland counterpart Gustavo Poyet got themselves rather worked up just before half-time.

Sunday Sport Treat Us To Football Headline Of The Year So Far…

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By Chris Wright

Given certain other goings-on in the north east at the moment that we're not going to mention, we feel this truly tragic story of a safaritrip gone horribly wrong is in real danger of being buried.

Thankfully, the Sunday Sport are giving it the coverage it deserves.

‘If I’m Honest, I Fell Out Of Love With The Game’ – Torquay Keeper Quits Football To Become Car Salesman

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By Chris Wright

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After taking stock of his career and assessing his options, Torquay United goalkeeper Jordan Seabright has taken the decision to quit football in order to take a job as a used car salesman in his home town on Poole.

The 20-year-old 'keeper has madejust six Conference appearancesfor the Gulls since joining from Dagenham & Redbridge in the summer.

12 Superb Photos Of Hearts, Tottenham And Derby Legend Dave Mackay In His Pomp

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By Chris Wright

As you've no doubt already heard, the sad news filtering through this morning is that legendary ex-Hearts, TottenhamandDerby midfielder Dave Mackay passed away at the age of 80.

He once said he only ever dreamed of playing for Hearts (the club he supported as a boy) and Scotland, though he realisedboth dreamsby 1957 (at the age of 23) winning every domestic honour there was to win with his hometownclub before moving south to join Spurs in 1959.

Metalurg Donetsk Midfielder Oleksandr Noyok Makes Strong Claim For 2015 Fallon d’Floor Award (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Can we get a round of applause for Metalurg Donetsk midfielder Oleksandr Noyok, who took the concept of simulation (cheating, if you will) to it's absurd, illogicalconclusion duringa game against Karpaty Lviv in the Ukranian Premier League last weekend.

It all began whenNoyok took afairlyinnocuous scrape to the knee courtesy of a Karpaty player.

Football Songs: ‘New York City All The Way’ – David Villa Provides Backing Vocals For New NYCFC Anthem (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With New York City FC set to make their MLS bow next month, the hype is kicking up a notch with the club commissioning a brand new anthem to herald their arrival on the scene.

Cobbled together by singer-songwriter Sarah Packiam and featuring the inimitable MC Sterlin (who?

Shit Lookalike: Diego Maradona & Pat Butcher

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By Chris Wright

According to the Mirror, this is how Diego Maradona showed up looking for a television interview in Venezuela yesterday namely, a bit like Albert Square's finest...

Ain't he pretty? So glam.

To be fair, there are also subtle shades of Ursula the Sea Witch in there too.

Bum Deal: Brazilian Club Rio Claro Unveil New Aptly-Named Shorts Sponsors (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Brazilian clubRio Claro took to the field this weekend sporting the marque of their brand new club sponsor across their kits well, across the arse of their kits to be precise for the very first time.

Rio Claro, who play in the Campeonato Paulista, have signed an endorsement deal with Brazilian satirical comedy Youtube channel Porta do Fundos.

Real Madrid Sold Angel Di Maria Because He Was ‘Too Ugly’ To Play For Them

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By Chris Wright

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It took Manchester United several weeks and £59.7million to broker Angel Di Maria's record-breaking move this summer just gone, but according to at least one man, Real Madrid only agreed to flog the Argentinian internationalas he doesn't fit certainaesthetic requirements at the Bernabeu.

Football Vine: Struggling Selfie-King Lukas Podolski Takes Worst Corner Ever

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By Alan Duffy

Lukas Podolski is one strange chap. Possessing a jack-hammer of a left foot and having netted 47 goals in 121 internationals for Germany, the 29-year-old should be at the top of his game. However, a penchant for laziness on the pitch has left the likeable attacker surplus to requirements at Arsenal and struggling to succeed in his current loan spell with Internazionale.

20 More Brilliant Photos Of Footballers With Animals

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By Chris Wright

Apropos of absolutely nothing in particular, here's 20 more cracking photos of footballers getting up close and personal with their animal brethren inspired by the great Footballers With Animals.

Let's dive in with a picture of Aaron Ramsey almost hugginga penguin, shall we?

Capital One Cup: Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham – Blues Back In Silverware After Deserved Wembley Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham Hotspur Capital One Cup Final 1st March 2015

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Jose Mourinho won his first trophy since returning to English football after his Chelsea side deservedly won a dour final at Wembley.

Tottenham started well against a Chelsea side with Kurt Zouma in a holding midfield role but the Lilywhites rarely threatened the Blues' goal.

Random Great Goals: Sunderland Legend Dennis Tueart Pioneers The Scorpion Kick, 1973 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're traipsing all the way back to the primordial mists of September 1973 for today's Random Great Goal, courtesy of Sunderland (and later, Man City) FA Cup-winning hero Dennis Tueart.

The goal in question came during a game against Oxford United in the old second division, with Tueart using outrageously unorthodox techniqueto convert a Bobby Kerr cross from the right wing which was falling slightly behind him.

Snapshot: This Is What Happens When You Chuck Coins At Diego Costa…

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By Chris Wright

Cementing his place as the Premier League's premier troll, Diego Costa reacted to having a £2 coin lobbed at him during yesterday's Capital One Cup Final by simply picking it up and popping it down his under-shorts to spend on sweets and comics later...

Nice, but we'd like to see him try the same thing with a pig's head.

Let’s Get Ready To Rumble! BBC & Sky Invite Sepp Blatter And His FIFA Presidency Rivals To Take Part In TV Election Debate

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By Chris Wright

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Sepp serves Prince Ali with an absolute zinger

The Guardian are reporting this morning that both the BBC and Sky have written to the four FIFA presidential candidates Sepp Blatter, Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein, Dutch FA president Michael van Praag and Luis Figo and asked them all to take part in a live televised debate.

West Brom Lay On Special VIP Day For 107-Year-Old Supporter Jack Jones (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Given that 100years as aWest Brom fan is more than any man should be forced to bear, the Baggieslaid on a special VIP day for107-year-old fan Jack Jones on Saturday.

Invited along to the Hawthorns as guest of honour, not only wasJack in the crowd to watchhis beloved side register an impressive 1-0 win over Southampton, he was also presented with a clutch of goodies in appreciationof his century of serviceand support.

Arsenal 2-0 Everton – Giroud On Target As Gunners Get Back To Winning Ways(Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 Everton Premier League 1st February 2015

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Arsenal steadied the ship after their midweek Champions League trauma with a hard-fought win at home to Everton.

The Gunners were hardly at their best but a first-half goal from Olivier Giroud, one of the misfiring villains from that defeat against Monaco, and a second-half effort from Tomas Rosicky secured a vital three points.

Liverpool 2-1 Man City – Reds On Song As Citizens Arrest At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Manchester City Premier League 1st March 2015

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Liverpool made Jose Mourinho's weekend even better by inflicting a defeat on title-chasers Man City at Anfield.

Starting with both Daniel Sturridge and Mario Balotelli on the bench, the Reds began the game well and took the lead after just 11 minutes, courtesy of a fine curling effort from Jordan Henderson.

Snapshot: Jose Mourinho Lets His Hair Down As Chelsea Crowned League Cup Champions!

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By Chris Wright

And lo, the first half-way meaningful silverware of the season belongs to Chelsea, who triumphed in today's Capital One Cup Final by beating Tottenham by two goals to one with Chelsea's defenders doing most of the donkey work at the other end once again.

In fact, the Blues'defence (we're talking Terry, Ivanovic, Zouma, Cahill and Azpilicueta) now have a bloody impressive 16 goals and 13 assists between them so far this season.

Bloody Picture Emerges Of Stephen Ireland’s Gruesome Leg Gash Suffered Against Hull City (WARNING: Graphic Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard, Stephen Ireland quite possibly had his season ended yesterday after a studding from Hull City left-back Maynor Figueroa (possibly in retribution for Ireland's iffy challenge on David Meylor earlier in the game) left the midfielder nursing a huge gash in his calf.

You Still Got It: Milan Coach Pippo Inzaghi Demonstrates Sweet First Touch Against Chievo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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The face of a man who knows he's the balls

Currently ninth in Serie A, Milan may be stuttering under his tutelage at the moment, but coach Pippo Inzaghi at least had the good grace to provide a highlight as his side toiled to a goalless draw against Chievo yesterday.