Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2015

Bombenshuss: Wolfsburg Striker Bas Dost Scores Outrageous Volley vs Bayern Munich (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

He may sound more like a German industrial metal band, but Wolfsburg's big Dutch target man Bas Dost is a man, goddamnit a man who has just done this against runaway Bundesliga overlords Bayern Munich...

And the reverse angle...

Sweet Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

Retro Snapshot: 11-Year-Old Darren Fletcher Signs For Man Utd, 1995…

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By Chris Wright

Bedraggled,scrawny and willing: Darren Fletcher

After joining as a boy and spending his entire career at Manchester United, it looks like its the end of the road at Old Trafford for Darren Fletcher, with the Scottish midfielder looking increasingly likely to join West Ham in the next couple of days.

Random Great Goals: Norwich Scrapper Youssef Safri Clangs 40-Yarder In Off Newcastle’s Crossbar, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It all ended under a bit of a cloud when he ditchedthe club's team photo shoot andjoined Southampton, but there was a time when Norwich City fans used to gleefully chant "Moroccan All Over The World", boasting that midfield scrapper Youssef Safri was "better than Juninho" during the heady days of 2004/05.

Football Fashion: Ivica Olic Turns Up To Sign For Hamburg Wearing Slinky Blue Onesie (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Fair play to Ivica Olic, who defied social convention and all forms of human taste this morning and opted to turn up to (re)sign for Hamburg wearing what appears to be a blue adult-sized baby gro...

Wonder if it has a bum flap in case he needs to go number twos?

Official: Scott Sinclair Joins Aston Villa On Loan For The Rest Of The Season…

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By Chris Wright

After wasting roughly half of his career to date doing sweet Fanny Adams at Man City, Aston Villa have announced this afternoon that Scott Sinclair has joined the club on loan for the rest of the season...

Here he is coming through the front doors at Bodymoor Heath for the first time.

Borussia Dortmund CEO Reckons All The Other Bundesliga Clubs Have Stopped Trying Against Bayern Munich

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By Chris Wright

With the Bundesliga farting back into life after its winter hibernation this weekend, Borussia Dortmund chief executive Hans-Joachim Watzke has wasted no time bemoaning Bayern Munich's all-consuming dominance at the top of the table.

Bayern are currently hovering a full 11 points above second-placed Wolfsburg (the two sides play one another tonight) inthe standings after 17 games, having yet to taste defeat again so far this season.

Did The January 2011 Transfer Window Break Football Forever?

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With the news today that 12,500 people have signed Sky Sports' online petition to make transfer deadline day a national holiday (*sigh*),Greg Evans examines the very moment it all went horribly wrong for everybody...

"HONK honk honk honk HONK HONK honk HONK!!!"

Since the dawn of time, the fine sport of football has always enjoyed a good transfer.

Willian Admits He’s Seen The Michael Jackson ‘Thriller’ Musical More Times Than Is Probably Necessary

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By Chris Wright

Afterarriving on these shores from Anzhi in 2013, Chelsea winger Willian did the done thing and immediately sought to immerse himself in the London scene by taking in a West End show.

That show was the Michael Jackson "Thriller Live" production, which the Brazilian has since admitted he's seen more times than is probably necessary after falling smitten.

Snapshot: Arda Turan’s Friends Present Him With Cheeky ‘Football Boot’ Birthday Cake…

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By Chris Wright

Several days after he used his old one to try and take a lino's head off during Atletico Madrid's cup defeat against Barcelona, Arda Turan's friends celebrated the Turkish winger's 28th birthday by presenting him with a timely, if slightly cheeky, novelty cake.

Mischievous Scamps Put Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck Up For Sale On Gumtree After ‘Sudden Redundancy’

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By Chris Wright

With the afterglow that followed the recent announcement of Andy Townsendbeing released back into the wildby ITV, it's perhaps worth remembering that we're talking about a real human being with real human being feelings here.

Not only will Andy have to make do with delivering his razor-sharp analysis in the privacy of his own home from now on, but there are also the monetary repercussions to consider.

Snapshot: Ravel Morrison Posts Instagram Photo Of His New Lazio Shirt…

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By Chris Wright

The move's been in the offing for a week or two now but, as of just now, it would appear that Ravel Morrison has completed his medical and sured up his summer move to Lazio...

According to the early say-so, Morrison is to join the Biancocelesti on a four-year deal in the summer once his West Ham contract dwindles to nowt.

Random Great Goals: Paolo Wanchope At His Gangly, Meandering Best vs Uruguay, 2001 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You could be forgiven for thinking that hisstampeding slalom shuffleagainst Manchester United in 1997 was the only goal Paulo Wanchope ever scored given that everything else seems to have paled with time, but it's fair to saythe lanky strikerdid a steady trade during his prime.

Man Utd Heavily Criticised For Forcing Season Card Holders To Pay £50 For FA Cup Replay Ticket Or Face Premier League Ban

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By Chris Wright

Once again, Manchester United have been barracked by all and sundry over their dreadful season ticket policy which requires all holders to buy mandatory tickets for the upcoming FA Cup replay against Cambridge United.

The policy, which has been in place for several years now, means that allfans with season cards are shanghaiedinto buying a ticket for all home FA Cup ties.

Man City Fan Bets £500 On Frank Lampard To Score Against Chelsea After Seeing His Face In The Moon

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By Chris Wright

One plucky Man City fan has wagered a full £500 on Frank Lampard to score the first goal in Sunday's crunch meeting between the two sides after claiming to have seen the midfielder's face on the moon.

Moonstruck City fanaticKieran O'Brien posted proof of his bet on Twitter after seeing Lamps' face in the sky over London and taking it as some kind of celestial omen.

Football GIF: USA Coach Jurgen Klinsmann Has Definitely Still Got ‘It’

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By Chris Wright

Despite the rarest of natural phenomena occurring during the game: a Jozy Altidore goal, the USA went down 3-2 against Chile last night in Rancangua (their third straight loss)thanks to a second-half brace from former Liverpool wingerMark Gonzalez.

However, the Yanks' night was brightened somewhat by an impressive display of touch on the sidelines, with coach Jurgen Klinsmann pulling off a strange double-bubble back-heel flick to excite and delight.

Brick By Brick: Matt Le Tissier’s Top 3 Goals Recreated Entirely From Lego (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To look at him you'd think he was a printer cartridge sales rep whose mam still cuts his hair, but Matt Le Tissier was a rare talent (especially in terms of English players) capable of the truly sublime.

Here be his top three goals (as chosen by the man himself) recreated solely using Lego: hisballetic beauty against Newcastle, his flicked-free-kick against Wimbledon and Tiss' very own personalpiece de resistance: that slaloming long-range boomeragainst Blackburn.

Capital One Cup: Sheff Utd 2-2 Tottenham (Agg: 2-3) Eriksen Brace Fires Lilywhites To Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sheffield United 2-2 Tottenham Hotspur (Agg: 2-3) Capital One Cup Semi-Final 2nd Leg 29th January 2015

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Forget Harry Kane, it's Christian Eriksen who has been Spurs' standout player this season and at Bramall Lane on Wednesday night, the Dane worked his magic once again.

Football Vine: Arda Turan Throws His Boot At The Linesman, Misses By Country Mile

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By Chris Wright

Fair to say it all got a bit tetchy during the Copa Del Rey second legger between Atletico Madrid and Barcelona tonight, with the bickering repeatedly threatening to boil over as the latter ran out 2-3 winners on the night (2-4 on aggregate) while the home side ended up with just nine men on the field.

‘He Must Have Thought We Were A Premier League Club’ – Non-League Chatham Town Have Website Hacked By Jihadi Extremist

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By Chris Wright

What you see above is the official club website of Chatham Town FC, who currently play in the Ryman League Division One North, i.e, the eighth tier of the English football pyramid.

Strangely, despite their relatively humblestatus, Chatham found themselves on the receiving end of a jihadi extremist hacking campaign on Saturday morning which resulted in their site being shut down for 12 hours.

Diego Milito Tricks Gullible Teammate With Brilliantly Simple ‘Spoon’ Prank (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Time for an elegantly simple ruse, pulled off by a master prankster in the shape of Racing striker Diego Milito.

Challenging teammate Gaston Campi to hit him as hold a spoon in his mouth and hit him on the head as hard as he can.

Receivinga mere tap on the bonce, Milito then returns the favour ten-fold, whacking the bemused Campi with a mighty blow thanks to a little help from his anonymous assistant.

Mesut Ozil Would Like To Take A Moment To Thank You For Being You (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Straddling his garden steps with a positively Churchillian air, Mesut Ozil has recorded a lip-tremblingly stirring thank-you message for his legions offans acrossall of his social media platforms for their continued and unwavering support over the years.

Retro Football: Graeme Souness Connects With A Proper Stamp On Gheorghe Rotariu, 1988 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Putting Diego Costa's little sherbet dib-dabs to shame, here's Rangers enforcer Graeme Souness connecting with a proper stamp on Steaua Bucharest's Gheorghe Rotariu in the 1988 European Cup a tackle Rotariu's teammate Gheorghe Popescu later deemed "the worst tackle he'd ever seen".

Real Madrid May Soon Be Playing Their Home Games At The ‘Abu Dhabi Bernabeu’

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By Chris Wright

Granted, we've had a few false starts when it comes to Real Madrid renaming their 'umbleabode, but the latest word on the wire is that Los Blancos could soon be playing their home games at the "Abu Dhabi Bernabeu".

According to Spanish paper AS, Real's president Florentino Perez has been caught on camera admitting to a member of the regional government that the club's stadium will be called whatever the Abu Dhabi investment group IPIC (International Petroleum Investment Company) want it to be called once they flood the place with their endless rivers of petrodollars.

Santos Laguna’s Diego Gonzalez Celebrates Goal By Making Quick Call On His Boot Phone (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Hello? Hello? I think we've got a bad line..."

Santos Laguna ran riot against Monterreyin the Mexican top tier on Saturday, bowling theirguests over by four goals to one to secure their first win of the nascentLiga MXseason.

It was midfielderDiego Gonzalez who got the ball rolling with the opening goal after 22 minutes, a goal he chose to markby making a quick call on his football boot phone even roping a confused ball-boy into his celebratory charade for good measure.

Capital One Cup: Chelsea 1-0 Liverpool (Agg: 2-1) – Blues Victorious In Rumble In West London (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-0 Liverpool (Agg: 2-1 ) Capital One Cup Semi-Final 2nd Leg 27th January 2015

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Chelsea bounced back from Saturday's shock home defeat to Bradford by securing their place in the Capital One Cup final after battling to victory against Liverpool.

Football Vines: Diego Costa Stamps On Martin Skrtel And Emre Can – But Were They Deliberate?

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By Alan Duffy

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During Chelsea's hard-fought 1-0 Capital One Cup win against Liverpool on Monday night, Brazilian/Spanish striker Diego Costa could well have been sent off for a couple of rather nasty looking stamps.

The first came on Reds' defender Martin Skrtel, who participated in a running battle with Costa for the whole game.

Sky Sports News To Ban Fans Crowding Behind Deadline Day Reporters After Last Year’s Chaotic Bullshit Circus

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By Chris Wright

Today is a sad, sad day for that special breed of football fan that enjoys nothing more than venturing down to their club's training ground and waggling various things about for 12 hours straight of an evening.

According to several sources, Sky Sports News are to put an end to supporters crowding behind their front line reporters on transfer deadline day in a bid to curb the festering, feral circus of bullshit that they themselvestransformed the whole thingit into.

Standard Liege Fans Face Five-Year Stadium Ban For Decapitating Steven Defour

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By Chris Wright

The Standard Liege fans responsible forthe gruesome"Red or dead" banner depicting a decapitated Steven Defour unfurled during their weekend fixture could well be staring down the barrel of a five-year stadium ban.

Both Belgian government officials and the country's football federation are seeking to bring action against each and every Liege fan involved in the production of the banner, which was displayed in the Stade Maurice Dufrasne during the club's game against Anderlecht on Sunday.

OGC Nice’s Reserves Test Out Inventive ‘Keeper In Front Of The Wall’ Free-Kick Defence Strategy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Never scared of pushing a boundary into an envelope to break new ground, OGC Nice's reserve string tested out a daring new free-kick defence stratagem against top side Grenoble in the French amateur tier on Saturday.

The avant garde formation basically saw Nice's goalkeeper stationedin front of the wall waving his arms about, while the wall itself was lined up along the goal-line behind him.

Random Great Goals: Hugo Almeida Eats Lightning And Craps Thunder vs Inter Milan, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The very moment Hugo Almeida became one with theuniverse

There are basically two fundamental approaches to free-kick taking: subtle, keeper-foiling rinky-dinkeryor ALL OUT, WORLD-ENDING BALLISTIC POWER.

Hugo Almeida, as it happens, favours the latter.

KABOOM! Victor Curto Ortiz Scores Thunderous ‘Paul Scholes’ Volley In Belgian Second Division (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Belgian second division kicked up a bit of a wonder goal over the weekend, withAS Eupen's Victor Curto Ortiz connecting with a corner sweetly on the edge of theRacing Mechelen penalty area and sending a "Paul Scholes volley"flashing past the rooted 'keeper.

Copa 90 Present: The Man Behind The Meme – The True Story Of The Wealdstone Raider (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having been decidedly nonplussed the first time we saw the original Youtube clip a couple of yearsago, we here at Pies made a conscious effort to not get sucked into featuringany of the Wealdstone Raider meme "banter" that whipped up recently, seemingly out of nowhere.

Fans Of Struggling Polish Club Protest By Sneaking Into Stadium And Laying Coffins On The Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With their strugglingsidecurrently eight points adrift at the bottomof the Polish Ekstraklasa (first division) without a win in their last 10 games, a small group of Zawisza Bydgoszcz fans have gone to extreme lengths to voice their discontent at the club's ailing performances and ownership.

Snapshot: Uruguay’s U20 South American Championship Mascot Attempts To Sneak Into Brazil’s Team Photo…

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By Chris Wright

Not content with a place in his own side's pre-game team photo, "Batu", the slightly horrifyingmascot for the ongoing U-20 South American Championship in Uruguay, also attempted to cunningly sidle his way into Brazil's official team shot before kick-off.

Lionel Messi Shares Dani Alves’ Grotesque New ‘Teddy Bear’ Trainers With The World (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As shared with the world by Lionel Messi earlier today, these are the new trainers that Dani Alves has just taken receipt of.

Of course it goes without saying that they are an abomination and need to be burnt to a cinder immediately.

Proof, as if it were needed, that this is no hoax.

Snapshot: Even Google Dictionary Is Taking Pot-Shots At Tottenham’s Ropey Defence…

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By Chris Wright

Yeesh, everyone's a critic...

(Via @dreamteamfc)

Random Great Goals: Juan Roman Riquelme (Boca Juniors) vs Corinthians, 2013 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the sad news that the great man has called time on his career at the age of 36, we thought we'd make today's Random Great Goals instalment decidedly less random than usual as a little appreciative doff of the cap to Juan Roman Riquelme.

Top 10 Australians To Play In The Premier League

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By Chris Wright

It's national Australia Day in Australia today, so what better excuse to throw another shrimp on the dingo, grab a cool Hahn from the Esky andcome waltzing Matilda with Pies as we take a look at the ten finest Aussie players to ply their trade in the Premier League over the years.

FA Cup Accumulator Bet Leaves Mystery Punter Within Whisper Of Becoming Millionaire From £10 Stake

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By Chris Wright

Betfair have announced that they are still attempting to track down one of their punters who came within the width of a gnat's nadgers of waking up a millionaire on Sunday following the previous evening's FA Cup fun and frolics.

Having slapped£10 on a brave and bold five-fold accumulator, the punter in question was sitting on apotential return of £1,000,064by the time Liverpool and Bolton kicked-off at 5:30pm, only to end the night with nowt.

FA Cup: Brighton 2-3 Arsenal – Walcott & Ozil On Target As Gunners Weather Second-Half Seagull Storm

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By Alan Duffy

Brighton & Hove Albion 2-3 Arsenal FA Cup 4th Round 25th January 2015

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Despite yesterday's massive giant-killing shocks in the FA Cup, holders Arsenal managed to keep their hopes of retaining the cup alive following a tricky tie on the south coast.

Steven Defour Shown Red Card After Reacting Angrily To Gruesome Banner Held Up By Standard Liege Fans (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

There are very few players who return to play against their former clubs without being heckled and jeckled from their first touch onwards, but Anderlecht's Steve Defour suffered more than most this afternoon eventually getting himself red-carded on his return to Standard Liege after reaching his breaking point.

Football Vine: Fenerbahce Fan Does Little Happy Dance After Snaffling Emmanuel Emenike’s Shirt

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By Chris Wright

In which, after being subbed off for the last fewminutes of Fenerbache's game against Kasimpasa, striker Emmanuel Emenike hands his shirt over to a fan in the crowd and consequently makes the guy's night.

A happy, happy dance ensues...

Bless him.

20 Years Ago Today: Eric Cantona Kung-Fu Kicked Himself Into Legend

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By Ed Barrett

Je suis Eric...et Matthew

Magna Carta, Nelson's death at Trafalgar, the Battle of Waterloo, Victory in Europe, VJ Day;some very significant anniversaries fall this year, but the one that will always have a place in my heart occurred just 20 years ago this very day, on 25th January 1995 at Selhurst Park Stadium, London SE25.

Football Vine: Cristiano Ronaldo Sees Red For Real Madrid After Punching And Kicking Opponent

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By Alan Duffy

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A player known for his spectacular goals rather his right hook, Balon D'Or winner Cristiano Ronaldo rather lost the run of himself against Cordoba on Saturday.

Ronaldo was sent off late on for striking one and kicking another opposition player as the Portuguese superstar lost control of himself.

FA Cup: Man City 0-2 Middlesbrough – Sloppy Citizens Dumped Out As ‘Boro Shine On Big Stage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 0-2 Middlesbrough Fa Cup 4th Round 24th January 2015

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On a bizarre day in English football, Manchester City were another big gun to fall to lower league opposition.

The Citizens, just back from a nice little training trip to Abu Dhabi, started well and created a number of good chances.

FA Cup: Chelsea 2-4 Bradford – Bridge Of Sighs For Blues After Bantamweight Battering (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-4 Bradford City FA Cup 4th Round 24th January 2015

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In the days leading up to this Fourth Round tie, Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho stated that it be would 'disgraceful' for the Premier League leaders to lose against League One Bradford.

Non-League Seaford Town Challenge Aston Villa To Play-Off Game To Decide England’s Most Boring Team

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say that things aren't exactly fizzingat Aston Villa at the moment, with Paul Lambert's shot-shy side having scored a measly 11 goals in the Premier League so far averaging a goal every other game.

To that end, Seaford Town of theSussex County League second division, the only team in the top 10 tiers of English football to have scored fewer goals than Villa so far, have challengedtheir Premier League rivalsto a "loser takes all" friendly game to decide just which of the two sides can truly lay claim to being the most boring team in the country.

Football GIF: Angel Di Maria Hoofs Hopeless 25-Yard Shot Straight Out Of Cambridge United’s Stadium

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United's lacklustre performance in microcosm: here's Angel Di Maria blasting a truly hopeless 25-yard effort directly out of the stadium last night...

Given how tight themoney is at Cambridge at the moment, we reckon Di Maria can probably expect an invoice for that ball.

Retro Football: Gary Sprake Floors Bobby Gould With Brutal Punch, Both Players Shown Yellow Cards, 1968/69 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He may have looked like butter wouldn't melt with his fresh(ish) face and wispy blonde curls, but Leeds goalkeeper Gary Sprake was just about as diabolicalas the rest of the club's late 1960s/early 1970s vintage.

Indeed, as can be seen in the photo above, Sprake had a nasty knack of coming to claim high balls with his studs purposefully raised at roughly neck-height to put strikers off challenging him.

Around The Grounds: Abbey Stadium, Home Of Cambridge United

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By Chris Wright

With Manchester United in town for the FA Cup fourth round tonight, we thought we'd have a timely nosey around the small, but perfectly formed they'll be spending their Friday night at: The Abbey Stadium (known corporately as the R Costings Abbey Stadium), home of Cambridge United.

Shit Lookalikes: Martin Odegaard & Former ‘Baywatch’ Star Erika Eleniak

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By Chris Wright

Odegaard is the precocious 16-year-old Norwegian urchin now on Real Madrid's books.

Eleniak is not only a former Baywatch star, but a former Playboymodel as well.

Top tier spottage by Pies' favourite football goldmine, Mr @DavidHartrick!

FA Cup: Cambridge United Players Warned They’ll Have To Pay For Any Shirts Swapped With Man Utd Counterparts

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By Chris Wright

Cambridge United's players have been warned by the club's top brass that they will have to personally pay for any item of kit they swap with their Manchester United counterparts after Friday evening's FA Cup tie between the two sides.

With thetwo Uniteds set to meet in the FA Cup fourth round at Abbey Stadium, Cambridge manager Richard Money is keen to stress that any shirt given away will seesouvenir-huntingplayers have their wages docked to the tune of £40.

ITV Confirm Adrian Chiles Has Left Their Football Coverage Team ‘With Immediate Effect’

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By Chris Wright

What a day to be alive! ITV have confirmed this morning that Adrian Chiles has been removed from his role as their main lead football anchor "with immediate effect".

Chiles is to be replaced by BBC Radio 5 Live stalwart Mark Pougatch, who will make his first on-screen appearance on 17th February, presenting ITV's live coverage of Chelsea's Champions League last 16 tie against PSG.

Go Ahead And Add Angel Di Maria To The Long List Of Players Nearly Signed By Arsene Wenger

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By Chris Wright

"If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell"

Seems you can go ahead and add Angel Di Maria's name to the ever-lengthening list of players Arsene Wenger nearly signed, with the Arsenal bossadmitting that it was only a work permit issue that scuppered the deal going through.

Bad Call: Ukrainian Footballer Banned After Casually Using Mobile Phone During Friendly Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A Ukrainian footballer has been branded a "clown" by his club after getting himself suspended for using his mobile phone during a recent friendly game.

Volodymyr Kozlenko was filmed casually chatting away on his phone while supposedly "playing" for third-tier side Energiya Nova Kakhova against top flight Olimpik Donetsk during a friendly tournament near Kiev.

‘Frankie’s New York Adventure’ – Frank Lampard Times Release Of Latest Children’s Book Spectacularly Poorly

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By Chris Wright

What you see here before you is the front cover to Frank Lampard's latest children's book, entitled "Frankie's New York Adventure" the ninth book in his "Frankie's Magic Football" series.

It's due for release on 5th February, roughly one month after Frank revealed his very own magical New York adventure was on hold for the foreseeable future.

Veteran Socceroo Tim Cahill Scores Superb Overhead Kick Against China (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Veteran attacking midfielder Tim Cahill made his mark on the 2014 World Cup courtesy of a magnificent volley against the Netherlands and in this year's Asian Cup, the former Everton man is doing it again.

In Australia's quarter-final clash with China, Cahill perfectly executed an overhead kick following a corner to give the Socceroos a 1-0 lead.

Random Great Goals: Darren Barnard (Barnsley) vs Huddersfield, 2002 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

His is a name that doesn't often come up when great goals are being discussed, but Barnsley stalwart Darren Barnard has every right to be included in the canon thanks to a moment of magic against Yorkshire rivals Huddersfield in November of 1998.

The Tykes absolutely thumped the Terriers on the day, winning 7-1, with Barnard putting his side 6-0 up with this trulystupendous, angled ripper of a volley.

Capital One Cup: Tottenham 1-0 Sheffield Utd – Blunt Lilywhites Edge Past Blades At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Sheffield United Capital One Cup Semi-Final 1st Leg 21st January 2014

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Tottenham started with Emmanuel Adebayor leading the line as well as captaining the side against Nigel Clough's well-drilled Sheffield United side.

New ‘Study’ Reveals 95% Of Football Shirts Sold In Manchester Are Man Utd Shirts

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By Chris Wright

As is their wont, the chapsover in the Sports Direct marketing department have been looking into their football shirt sales of late; crunching the numbers, compiling astudy (and please note we use the word 'study' in the loosest possible sense here) and coming up with afew semi-surprising results.

Classic Moments: Brian Laws Jumps Over Small Canal In One Single Bound, 2008 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lawsy's Leap-they said it couldn't be done

Classic footage dating from 2008 here, in which Brain Laws, manager of Sheffield Wednesday at the time, cheats certain death while leaping across a small canal in Northamptonshire in one single bound.

Celtic And Hamilton Team Up To Give Young Fan With Down’s Syndrome An Extra Special VIP Day (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It all began on Christmas morning...

Post by Martin Beatty.

Skip forward a week or three and Jay Beatty's big day arrived, with Celtic travelling to Hamilton's New Douglas Park last Saturday.

Before the game, Jay went into each dressing room to meet both teams, even giving Celtic an impromptu team talk.

Non-League Nonchalance: East Thurrock Defender Pulls Off Tremendous Goal-Line Clearance vs Kingstonian (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chances are you missed it, but Kingstonian made up ground on East Thurrock in the Ryman Isthmian League Premier Division with a 0-1 away victory at Rookery Hill.

An unremarkable match in the main, bar a fantasticpiece of goal-line defending from an East Thurrock defender who diverted a potentially dangerous knock-downto safety over his own crossbar with the most nonchalant of back-heels just asKingstonian's striker was preparing to pounce.

Capital One Cup: Newspaper Predict Sheffield United To Field Extremely Strong Side Against Tottenham (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

According to this anonymous newspaper (not The Independent, as we first thought apologies are due there) and their crack team ofinsider experts, Sheffield United are gearing up to field an extremely strong side against Tottenham in the Capital One Cup tonight.

Shit Lookalikes: Jack Grealish & Every Single Member Of ‘New Kids On The Block’

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By Chris Wright

Of course, any powderpuff 90s boyband would work given the abject state of Grealish's barnet, but we just feel NKOTB collectively possess the requisite wet-look volume...

Sitting ona Shit Lookalike for Pies? Feel free submit it via email atwaatpies@gmail.

Random Great Goals: Muzzy Izzet (Leicester City) vs Grimsby Town, 2002 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In what's now becoming a regular little series on Pies, we thought we'd pluck great, if slightly lesser-known goals from the archives at random and duly give them theirmoment in the spotlight.

Muzzy Izzet may have more zzzz's in his name than is strictly decent, but there was positively nothing sleep-inducing about his crackerjack of an overhead kick against Grimsby Town during the first few months of the 2002/03 First Division campaign.

Former Chelsea Midfielder Craig Burley Forced To Get Fernando Torres Tattoo After Losing Bet (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Obviously assuming he'd be quite safe betting against goal-shy Fernando Torres to score in his first Madrid derby since his return to Atletico, ESPN pundit Craig Burley went big and bombastically declared that should Nando trouble the back of Real's net, he'd gladly go out and get the striker's face tattooed about his person.

Carling Cup: Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea – Reds Impress But Anfield Draw Leaves Tie In The Balance (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea Carling Cup Semi-Final First Leg 20th January 2015

View image | gettyimages.com

A superb solo goal from Raheem Sterling secured a draw for Liverpool against Chelsea on Tuesday.

The Blues took lead courtesy of an Eden hazard spot-kick on 18 minutes after the Belgian winger had been felled by Emre Can.

Talk To Pies: Which Specific Player Made You Fall In Love With Football?

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By Chris Wright

The Wolverhampton Wanderers 1992/93 squad, from hell's heart I stab at thee!

While there were kick-aboutson tap over the road on the park, growing up in the pre-Sky Sports-saturated era meant that actually watching proper football on television was a rare thing principally because there wasn't much to go at.

This 10-Year-Old Urchin Is Almost Definitely Better At Keepy-Uppies Than You (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Little git.

Norwegian Liverpool Fan Names His Daughter ‘YNWA’

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By Chris Wright

A nutty Norwegian Liverpool fan has named his daughter 'YNWA' as in "You'll Never Walk Alone".

Yes, we know what you're thinking but Daniel Agger is Danish, remember?

Speaking to Dagbladet, the little girl's mother, Eirin Isabell Iversen herself a Tromso fan, described how her and her lunatic husband picked the unusual name after having his first choice scuppered by Mother Nature.

Hamilton Reduce All Ticket Prices For Home And Away Fans To 10p In Tribute To Departing Management Duo

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By Chris Wright

Because they're jolly good eggs, Hamilton Academicals are reducing the ticket prices for next Saturday's SPL game against Inverness for both home and away fans to a very reasonable 10 pence.

The offer is part of the club's "Perfect 10s" scheme, which will serve as a mark of gratitude toformer manager Alex Neil (who left to take over at Norwich a fortnight ago) and departing assistant Frankie McAvoy.

Football GIF: Come, Marvel At The Wonder Of This Spectacular Dive From CONCACAF U-20s Championship

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Trinidad & Tobago's CONCACAFU20 Championship game against Panama at the weekend: T&T'sAkeem Humphrey managing the incredibly impressive feat of elbowing his opponent in the face not once but twice, before panicking and hitting the deck himself, rolling around and screaming into his hands like he'd just been hit by a Vauxhall Astra.

Mundo Deportivo Salute Lionel Messi’s Humongous Hat-Trick Haul With Superb Front Page Tribute (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

The front page of today's edition of Mundo Deportivo features a clever little tribute to Lionel Messi after the Barcelona man scored his 30th hat-trick in blaugrana at the weekend.

Messi became only the second ever player to reach the "30 hat-tricks for one club" marker following in the wake ofTelmo Zarra, who managed the exact same feat while banging them in for Athletic Bilbao in the 1940s and 50s.

Sylvester Stallone To Special Deliver Half-Time Motivational Speech At Goodison Park Tonight

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By Chris Wright

Having first visited Goodison parkseemingly of out the blue in 2007 as the guest of a business associate, Everton's least likely celebrity fan, Mr Sylvester Stallone, is to grace the stadium once again tonight alongside one of his latest co-stars, Liverpudlian boxer (and Toffees fan) Tony Belew.

‘There Will Be Haters’ – If You’re Against Modern Football, Then You’ll Probably Hate The New Adidas Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While we're not exactly card-carrying, pitchfork-wielding members of the Against Modern Football brigade, Pies do happen to agree with some of their politics on certain issues.

That said, we can appreciate that the last thing most professional footballers need is their egos massaging ad infintum yet still, that's precisely the tack Adidas are taking in the promos for their latest boot packs.

Shit Football Ink: Sergio Ramos Proudly Shows Off New Michael Jackson Tattoo (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As far as professional footballers are concerned, the general equation-of-thumb looks something like this:

Vast amountsof disposable income + lotsof free time + zero imagination = tattoos, and lots of 'em.

Just hark at Sergio Ramos' latest masterpiece an indelible, Mohamed Al Fayed-approved silhouette of Michael Jackson.

Peter Schmeichel And Oliver Kahn Sit Down To Watch The 1999 Champions League Final Together (Video)

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By Chris Wright

26th May 1999, the night David May became immortal

As part of an upcoming series of interviews with goalkeeping royalty Peter Schmeichel and Oliver Kahn, the chaps over at Fanbookz had the pair sit down an watch the 1999 Champions League Final together one as a winner, the other as first runner-up.

Football Fashion: David James Wears Truly Dreadful ‘Forest Scenery’ Shirt While Punditing On BT Sport (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

That awkward moment when you realise you've auctioned off all of your worldly possessionsand have to cobble together an emergency shirt from print-outs of old Windows 95desktops...

Yuck, just...yuck and to make matters worse, Jamo's skirting perilously close to "Horror Hair" territory with that'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' nonsense too.

FAIL: Peru U20 ‘Keeper Daniel Prieto Drops Classic Clanger During South American Youth Championship Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Eventually going on to get themselves pasted 6-2, Peru's U20side got off to the worst possible start against Argentina in the Campeonato Sudamericano on Sunday when 'keeperDaniel Prieto dropped the following clanger a true classic of the genre...

Bum.

Random Great Goals: Thierry Henry (Arsenal) vs SC Wiez, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Coming just three minutes into Arsenal's 5-0 walloping of Austrian side SC Weiz in a pre-season game in 2005, this corker from Thierry Henry showcases everything that made him great: touch, poise, dexterity and grace.

If you think his first touch is good, just wait for his second and third.

West Brom Boss Tony Pulis To Row From London To Paris In Name Of Charity

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By Chris Wright

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He's already scaled Kilimanjaro and cycled from John O'Groats to Lands End in the name of charity but Tony Pulis' next challenge will see the West Brom boss row from Tower Bridge in London to the Eiffel Tower in France to raise funds for a cause close to his heart.

Right In The Kisser: Referee Accidentally Breaks Player’s Nose During Dutch Lower League Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you think you had a rough weekend then spare a thought forBarendrecht midfielder Mitchell van Gastel, who ended Saturday's Topklasse game (the Dutch amateur tier) againstScheveningen with a broken nose.

However, Van Gastel's injury didn't come as a result of an aerial duel or a robust challenge,oh no,but as a result of being well and truly poleaxed by a flailing elbowfrom refereeWim Bronsvoort.

Man City 0-2 Arsenal – Cazorla Shines As Citizens Arrest At Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 0-2 Arsenal Premier League 18th January 2015

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Arsenal produced an outstanding disciplined display at the Etihad on Sunday, winning a game which severly dents Man City's title aspirations.

With Francis Coquelin solid in the defensive midfield role and Santi Cazorla superb both in defence and attack, Arsenal were a very different outfit battered 6-3 in this fixture last season.

West Ham 3-0 Hull – Tigers Heading For Top-Tier Extinction After Boleyn Ground Hammering (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 3-0 Hull City Premier League 18th January 2015

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West Ham moved to within four points of a Champions League berth after an impressive win at Upton Park on Sunday.

All the goals came in the second-half, courtesy of Andy Carroll,Morgan Amalfitano (courtesy of a clever chip) and Stewart Downing as the home side proved too good for an injury-ravaged Hull outfit.

Newcastle United 1-2 Southampton – Elia Elia, Your Boots Are On Fire! New Saint Secure Win At St. James’ Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United1-2 Southampton Premier League 18th January 2015

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Southampton stayed in the top there and just 10 points behind league leaders Chelsea after a hard-fought win at St. James' Park.

New-signing Eljero Elia was the star man for the Saints, with the Dutch attacker scoring on 14 and 62 minutes.

Tottenham 2-1 Sunderland – Onward Christian Eriksen! Dane Fires Late Late Lilywhites To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Sunderland Premier League 18th January 2015

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Christian Eriksen once again netted a late winner for Tottenham, who remain well in the hunt for top-four finish.

Jan Vertonghen's deflected effort opened the scoring for the hosts but Seb Larsson equalised courtesy of a fine free-kick on the half-hour marik.

Scunthorpe Play With Defender In Goal For 45 Minutes After Both ‘Keepers Suffer Broken Arms Before Half-Time Against Bristol City

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By Chris Wright

Losing one goalkeeper to a broken arm before half-time is just plain unlucky. Losing two goalkeepers to broken arms before half-time? Well, that's when you start straying into gypsy curse territory.

Sadly for Scunthorpe United, that's exactly how the first 45 minutes of their League One clash against Bristol City panned out yesterday.

Football Vine: Louis Van Gaal Doffs His Cap To ‘Queens Park Raisins’

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By Chris Wright

Presenting Pies' undoubted highlight of Saturday's Premier League action: Louis van Gaal doffing his proverbial cap to the compact, defensive style of "Queens Park Raisins"...

Hopefully, it's not a case of sour grapes (ha!) and more a case of fruit-based mispronunciation much like Eden Hazard's reduced role against "Strawberry" a month or so back.

Sunday Crunch: Boca Juniors’ Leandro Marin Destroys Opponent With Appalling Lunge During Pre-Season ‘Friendly’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Racing Club beat Boca Juniors 4-1 in apre-season Torneo de Verano friendly fixture last night, with the away side ending the night decidedly light on personnel after having two men sentoff in the first half.

The second red card was a belter from Boca's Leandro Marin, who absolutely totalledRacing's Ricardo Centurion (as names go, that's a beauty) with a truly hideous, studs-up assault on his calf.

Swansea 0-5 Chelsea – Swans Devoured In Right Royal Blues’ Display (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-5 Chelsea Premier League 17th January 2015

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Chelsea went five points clear at the top of the table courtesy of a right battering of Swansea at the Liberty Stadium.

Oscar opened the scoring in the first minute witha brace from Diego Costa and then another from Oscar putting the visitors 4-0 up at the break.

QPR 0-2 Man Utd – Pressure Mounts On Redknapp As Red Devils Shoot Down Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 0-2 Manchester United Premier League 17th January 2015

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The pressure increased on Hoops' boss Harry Redknapp after his side went down 2-0 at Loftus Road on Saturday.

The hosts had started brightly with in-form striker Charlie Austin testing David De Gea in the Red Devils' goal on more than one occasion.

Burnley 2-3 Crystal Palace – Crystal Palazarus! Eagles Pull Off Another Comeback Miracle At Turf Moor (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 2-3Crystal Palace Premier League 17th January 2015

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Alan Pardew and Palace have done it again! Coming hot on the heels of their fine comeback win against Spurs last week, the Eagles produced another fine win from a losing position, this time beating Burnley.

Leicester City 0-1 Stoke City – Mr. Bojan-Goals Fires Potters To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leicester City0-1 Stoke City Premier League 17th January 2015

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Leicester remained bottom of the Premier League after going down 1-0 at home to Stoke in a game devoid of much quality.

Spaniard Bojan Krkic was the best player on the pitch and it was the former Barcelona man's deft turn and shot which would seal all three points for the Potters just after tje hour-mark.

Aston Villa 0-2 Liverpool – Reds Bag Win As Impotent Villans Flop Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-2 Liverpool Premier League 17th January 2015

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Goals from the rather unlikely duo of Fabio Borini and Rickie Lambert secured all three points for Liverpool at Villa Park on Saturday.

Borini's opener cameon 24 minutes from a Jordan Henderson centre.

‘Badstuber, I Love You!’ – Pep Guardiola Moans In Ecstasy As Bayern Put On Liquid Passing Display During Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just looking at the way Pep Guardiola motivates his players during training drills, it's littlewonder Thomas Muller reckons it's harder to beat Bayern Munich's second string than most Bundesliga sides...

Pep's just all in, all the time.

Official: Jermain Defoe Joins Sunderland In Ludicrously Massive Deal, Jozy Altidore Slinks Out T’Other Way (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's been in the offing for well over a week now but, as of this afternoon, Jermain Defoe is a Sunderland player.

Defoe has signed for Gus Poyet's merry rag-tag band on a three-and-a-half-year deal, with Sunderland reportedly paying Toronto FC a whopping £14million for the privilege.

Retro Football: Rare Footage Surfaces Of Diego Maradona Completely Bossing Local Futsal Game, 1990s (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Apparently this footage has only come to light recently, so consider yourselves lucky ducks!

Dating from roughly the early1990s, here's El Diego muckingin with a game of futsal in his native Argentina and, of course, quite literally running rings around his bamboozled opponents severalof whom appear to be Ian Botham.

Random Great Goals: Steve Bull (England) vs Czechoslovakia, 1990 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Steve Bull scored a club record 306 goals (including 18 hat-tricks) over the course of his legendary 13-year stint at Wolverhampton Wanderers, though he only ever made one full appearance in the English top flight and that came for West Brom as a 19-year-old in 1986 theseason before he moved to Molineux.

David Ginola To Run For FIFA Presidency, Campaign Backed By Banteriffic Bookmakers Paddy Power

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

David Ginola has announced his plans to run against Sepp Blatter for the FIFA presidency.

In a video message posted on his campaign website, Ginola looking as sharp as ever made the following declaration:

"We all know that the FIFA system isn't working.

Snapshot: Has Daily Record Nabbed ‘Headline Of The Year’ Award Already?

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By Alan Duffy

What a cracking headline this is. Relating to the so-called 'Three Bears' consortium who are vying with Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley over control of Scottish giants Rangers.

The 'Three Bears', made up of Douglas Park,George Letham and George Taylor have reacted to Ashley's offer of a £10m loan to Ibrox by offering their own £5million loan.

Real Madrid 2-2 Atletico (2-4 Agg) – El Nino Returns! Torres Stars In Copa Del Rey Derby Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Real Madrid 2-2 Atletico Madrid (2-4 on Aggregate) Copy Del Rey 15th January 2015

View image | gettyimages.com

Fernando Torres rediscovered his goalscoring touch as Atletico Madrid drew 2-2 with rivals Real at the Bernebau, a result which sawLos Rojiblancosmove into the last eight of the Copa Del Rey courtesy of a famous 4-2 aggregate win.

Classic Moments: Fernando Torres Steals The Show With Dramatic Cameo In Spanish Music Video, 2010 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Way back in the primordial mists of 2010, Dani Martin, the lead singer of Spanish band 'El Canto del Loco' called in a favour and enlisted his celebrity chumandSpanish football's then-golden boy, Fernando Torres, to appear in the video to one of his ditties.

Spanish Journalist Uses Ouija Board To Contact Real Madrid Legend Juanito For His Copa Del Rey Prediction

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By Chris Wright

This is on the front page the FRONT PAGE of today's edition of Spanish newspaper AS...

Yep, that's right. AS reporter Tomas Roncero has staged a seance during which he used a ouija board to contact the ghost of Real Madrid legend Juanito.

The purpose?

‘I Will Try To Get Fit’ – Ronaldo Declares His Intention To Come Out Of Retirement To Play For Fort Lauderdale Strikers

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By Chris Wright

He hasn't played a single game since leaving Corinthians in 2011, but Ronaldo has declared his intentions of making a comeback for his newly-acquired NASL side, the Fort Lauderdale Strikers.

As perMonday's announcement, Ronaldo is now a part-owner of the Florida-based team who will be competing in the NASL (i.

New Man Utd Adidas 2015/16 Home Kit Leaks All Over Twitter (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

An image of what is supposedly Manchester United's brand new 2015/16 home shirt the club's first under their kit deal with Adidas has leaked all over Twitter, with the prospective new togs garnering largely positive reaction from United fans...

Looks like a handful of generic Adidas kit designs smooshed together on one shirt to Pies' eye, but then what the hell do we know about aesthetics?

Football Vine: Tim Cahill Picks His 10-Year-Old Son Out In The Stands With An Impressive Pass

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By Chris Wright

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Spotting his 10-year-old son Shae up in the stands after warming-up before Australia's Asian Cup victory overKuwait, Tim Cahill demonstrated that his passing radar is still in fine, working order by lumping a ball directly into the little nipper's arms from 30-odd metres away.

Equalising In Style: Esteban Granero Puts Finishing Touch To Gorgeous Real Sociedad Build-Up Play (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With coach David Moyes up in the stands sampling the local cuisine by the end of the night, Real Sociedad registered a respectable 2-2 draw against Villarreal in the Copa Del Rey on Wednesday night.

Unfortunately the result wasn't enough to prevent Moyes' side being eliminatedon aggregate after losing 1-0 in the first leg, but at leastthey bowed out in style courtesy of Esteban Granero's 74th-minute equaliser.

FA Cup: Tottenham 4-2 Burnley – Comeback Win Sees Lilywhites Move Into Fourth Round (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 4-2 Burnley FA Cup 3rd Round Replay 14th January 2015

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Spurs came from two goals down to win against Burnley at White Hart Lane on Wednesday night, a result which sees the north Londoners face another Premier League side, Leicester City, in the fourth round of the FA Cup.

Football Vine: Real Sociedad Boss David Moyes Sent To Stands, Eats Crisps With Fans

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By Alan Duffy

After his difficult season with Manchester United, it's rather lovely to see David Moyes starting to rebuild his career in Spain with Real Sociedad. During the Basque side's Copa Del Rey clash with Villarreal on Wednesday night, the Scot was sent to the stands by referee Carlos Velasco.

Football Vine: The First And Last ‘Front-Flip Throw-In’ Wonder Goal You’re Ever Likely To See

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By Chris Wright

You don't get may of these to the pound: a "front-flip throw-in" long-distance wonder goal, as spotted during a high school/college game in the US (as far as we can tell).

The best bit of course is, thanks to the over-eager 'keeper getting a touch on the ball on the way in, the goal was perfectly legal and allowed to stand.

‘The Spirit Of The Warrior Courses Through Me’ – Michael Owen Stars In Dull-As-Ditch-Water Advert For Spey Whisky (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Obviously impressed by his monotone work for Alexander's Prestige Range Rovers, the peopleover at Spey Whisky have paid Michael Owen to shill their particular brand of fire-water.

As you'd expect from a man with all the charisma of a concrete bollard, the horse-themed advert is a choreto sit through despite only being 30seconds long.

Rough, Tough Liverpool Centre-Half Dejan Lovren Proudly Shows Off His Collection Of Kinder Egg Toys (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

At the risk of sounding like every old fogey ever in the history of everything, centre-halves were definitely tougher back in Pies' day.

Indeed, they definitely wouldn't use social media to proudly show off their vast collection of Kinder Egg toys...

A photo posted by ♛ (@dejanlovren06) on Jan 13, 2015 at 4:09am PST

Lovren's accompanying caption reads:"Who remembers this?

Wilfried Bony Poses With His New Man City Shirt For The First Time (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Swansea have nixed the Ivory Coast FA's slightly premature attempt to break the news ofWilf Bony's £28million imminent move to Man City, but it would appear that the transferis as near-as-damnit to going through.

Away at the Africa Cup of Nations, Bony has been photographed posing with his new work uniform, complete with his brand new City squad number too.

Random Great Goals: Roberto Cabanas (New York Cosmos) vs Tulsa Roughnecks, 1983 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In what we're hoping will becomea semi-regular little series on Pies, we thought we'd pluck great, if slightly lesser-known goals from the archives at random and duly give them theirmoment in the spotlight.

This time we're opting for something a little different in the impressive flexible guise of 1983′s Budweiser NASL Goal of the Year scored by Roberto Cabanas of the New York Cosmos, no less.

Shit Football Ink: Roma Ultra Gets Tattoo Of Francesco Totti’s Celebratory Selfie (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Inspired byFrancesco Totti's heroics in the Derby della Capitale on Sunday, this Roma fan has gone out and paid actual currency for a tattoo of Er Puponecelebrating his second goal of the evening with a f**king s****e...

Nice.

(Via 101GG)

Awww: Cristiano Ronaldo’s Young Son Meets Lionel Messi At Ballon d’Or After-Party (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A lovely bit of footage has emerged of Cristiano Ronaldo Jnr meeting Lionel Messi after the Ballon d'Or on Monday evening, with the little guy's (Ronaldo Jnr) dadtelling Messi: "He watched a video on the internet about us and he talks about you!"

When Li'l Ron can't bring himself to answer Messi's "How are you doing?

Jordan Striker Ahmad Hayel ‘Develops Hypothermia’ After Being Made To Drink Three Litres Of Water Before Doping Test

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By Chris Wright

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Ever drunk so much water you developed hypothermia and slipped into a sort of semi-coma?

Yeah, us too.

Indeed, that's exactly what is alleged to have happened to Jordan striker Ahmad Hayel after last night'sAsian Cup game against Iran.

Germany Successfully Pull Off ‘Fake Fumble’ Freekick That Famously Went Belly Up At The World Cup

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By Chris Wright

The original, and worst

Aired as part of the 'Die Mannshaft' film that aired in Germany this week, viewers were treated to a clip of footage of the Germany national side recreating the needlessly convoluted set-piecethey so famouslymade a complete dog's dinner ofagainst Algeria at the World Cup over the summer.

FA Cup: West Ham 2-2 Everton (9-8 on Pens) – Adrian Stars As Hammers Triumph Over 10-Man Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-2 Everton (9-8 on Penalties) FA Cup 3rd Round Replay 13th January 2015

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On a dramatic night in east London, West Ham came out on top in a magnificent FA Cup thrid round replay against Everton.

FIFA Find Long-Lost Original Base Of The Jules Rimet Trophy In Their Basement (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Having been missing and assumed lost for many years, the square marble base of the original World Cup trophy has been discovered in storage at the FIFA headquarters.

According to BBC Sport, the blue block is the original base of the Jules Rimet trophy, whichcarries the names of the first four World Cup winners between 1930 and 1950 before it was replaced by a similar but slightly larger base in 1954.

Arda Turan Claims His ‘FIFA Coach Of The Year’ Vote Was Changed From Diego Simeone To Jogi Löw

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By Chris Wright

ESCANDALO MASIVO!!!

Turkish captain Arda Turan is claiming that his FIFA Coach of the Year vote was changed from Diego Simeone to Germany'sJoachim Löw without his say-so.

The official poll showed that Turan awarded five points to Löw, three to Jose Mourinho and just one to Simeone his coach at Atletico Madrid.

Retro Football: Semi-Naked Laurent Blanc Poses For The Weirdest Panini Sticker Ever Produced (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Sometimes there are no words...

If you've beenaffected by any of the issues raised by this image then we suggest finding a nice, remote cave in which to live our your days as a gibbering recluse.

(Via Old School Panini)

Fitba Thatba: Manuel Neuer Enlists Roy Keane To Help Rig The Ballon d’Or (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Pies' favourite mucky-faced street urchins, Fitba Thatba, reveal Manuel Neuer's fiendish (and failed) plot to rig the Ballon d'Or using nothing more than his own deviousness and a certain mad, bearded loon codename: Irish Rover...

And that, we're fairly sure in saying, is exactly how it went down in Zurich last night.

Snapshot: Quiz Show Contestant Gives Hilarious Answer To Question About Infamous Anfield ‘Beach Ball’ Incident…

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By Chris Wright

This is quite hard to watch: A contestant on last night's episode of ITV quiz show 'The Chase' caused a minor stir on Twitter after giving a truly inspired answer to the question, "In 2009, Sunderland scored against Liverpool when the football deflected in off what object?

Cristiano Ronaldo To Play In Gold, Diamond-Encrusted Boots To Celebrate Third Ballon d’Or Award (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

To celebrate their main man winning his third Ballon d'Or award out in Zurich last night, Nike have created a special pair of "rare gold"Mercurial CR7 boots.

As well as being gold, the boots also have "micro diamonds" encrustedon the "CR7″ logos atribute to Ronaldo's work ethic, apparently.

Cristiano Ronaldo Wins 2014 Ballon d’Or Award By An Absolute Landslide, Makes Weird Noise After Doing So

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By Chris Wright

And, yay, the Gods/FIFAhave (finally) spoken: Cristiano Ronaldo is the recipient of the 2014 Ballon d'Or his third such trinket...

According to the official figures, Ronaldo won with a massive37.66% of all votes, that's compared to Messi's 15.76% and Neuer's 15.

Snapshot: Ballon d’Or Hopefuls Neuer, Messi & Ronaldo Line Up For Slightly Awkward Photo…

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By Chris Wright

With FIFA's big Ballon d'Or beano about to get under way in Zurich, the three hopefuls Manuel Neuer, Lionel Messi and a completelydumbstruckCristiano Ronaldo have been posing together for a series of slightly awkward press shots...

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‘We Can’t Stand The Stench Any Longer’ – Long-Running Man Utd Fanzine Red Issue Folds After Finally Surrendering To The ‘Bullshit’ Of Modern Football

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By Chris Wright

Red Issue, issue one

Today is a sad day or, more specifically, yesterday was a sad day with the news that one of football's longest-running fanzines ceased operations after 26 years at the coal face.

Alas, Sunday's issueof long-running Manchester United fanzine "Red Issue" (issue 259) was and is to be the last, with magazine co-founder 'Zar' citing the tiresome "bullshit" of modern football as the main reason behind his decision to call it a day.

Shit Football Kits: Halmstad Players Not Keen On Swedish Club’s New ‘Turtle-Patterned’ Away Shirt (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Before reportedly deleting Tweets which read "are you joking?" and "something has gone seriously wrong at Puma's design department", Halmstad defender Jesper Westerberg composed himself long enough to post a photo of the Swedish club's new 2015 away jersey.

As pointed out by the man himself, it does have a certain air of the "teenage mutant ninja heroes in a half-shell" about it.

Random Great Goals: Ian Wright (Arsenal) vs Swindon Town, 1993 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Before Bergkamp and Henry at Arsenal, there was Ian Wright, Wright, Wright (no relation).

Withstrike partner Kevin Campbell havingalready scored a hat-trick, it was Wright who popped up with this truly imperious fourth to put an exquisitely-judged lid on Arsenal's 4-0 trouncing of Swindon Town on 27th December, 1993.

Lucky Charm: China ‘Keeper Wang Dalei Successfully Saves Penalty After Asking Ballboy Which Way To Dive (Video)

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By Chris Wright

An Australian ballboy by the name ofStephen White has become the unofficial mascot of the Chinese national sideafter successfully advising their goalkeeper, Wang Delai, which way to dive in order to keep out a spot-kick from Saudi Arabia striker Naif Hazazi during last night's Asian Cup game between the two sides.

Inaugural 2014 Fallon d’Floor Award Won By Leeds Forward Adryan For Stunning ‘Fish Flop’ Dive Against Derby!

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By Chris Wright

As you may recall, back in December we brought you the news that aReddit user by the nameshahyar was attempting to make the Fallon d'Floor awards a reality.

The idea was for the Fallon d'Floor to be awarded every yearinan attempt to shame football's biggest cheats by drawing widespread attention to their low-down antics and asking fans to vote for the worst offender.

Man Utd 0-1 Southampton – Ab Fab! Super Saints Triumph At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 0-1 Southampton Premier League 11th January 2015

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Southampton strengthened their Champions League credentials at Old Trafford on Sunday, with their win keeping them well in the hunt for a top four finish.

Arsenal 3-0 Stoke – Sanchez Shines Once Again As Gunners Stroll To Victory At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-0 Stoke City Premier League 11th January 2015

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Alexis Sanchez produced yet another man of the match performance as the Gunners swept aside Stoke at the Emirates.

The hosts dominated the game and were 1-0 up after just six minutes, when an unmarked Laurent Koscielny headed home a Sanchez centre.

Football Vine: Inter Milan Boss Roberto Mancini Floored By Ball In Face From Own Player

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By Alan Duffy

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During his side's 3-1 win against Genoa on Sunday, Internazionale boss Roberto Mancini took a ball full in the face from one of his own players. The smack in the gob, courtesy of defender Marco Andreolli, floored the former Man City manager.

Crystal Palace 2-1 Tottenham – Pardew’s Eagles Soar At Selhurst (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 2-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 10th January 2015

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Alan Pardew celebrated his first game in charge of Crystal Palace with a fine comeback win against Spurs at Selhurst Park.

Glenn Murray missed a great chance to put the Eagles ahead in the first-half but ittook until the 49th minute for the deadlock to be broken, courtesy of a fine finish from Harry Kane.

Football Vine: Francesco Totti Celebrates Goal Against Lazio By Posing For Celebratory ‘Selfie’ On Pitch

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By Chris Wright

Having scored twice in Roma's comeback from 2-0 in the Rome derby this afternoon, this is how Francesco Totti chose to celebrate his second goal...

Can't quite decide if we're willing to let him get away with it or not though we're definitely leaning toward "not".

West Brom 1-0 Hull – Pulis Power Sees Baggies Down Tigers At Hawhtorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-0Hull City Premier League 10th January 2015

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New Baggies' boss Tony Pulis saw his side battle to a hard-fought 1-0 win over Hull at the Hawthorns on Saturday.

Hull's chances of getting something out of this clash were somewhat scuppered by first-half injuries to striker Nikica Jelavic and Abel Hernandez but the Tigers worked hard throughout the game and probably deserved a point.

Everton 1-1 Man City – Citizens Slip As Toffees Impress At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 Manchester City Premier League 10th January 2015

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This clash at Goodison Park saw Manchester City fall two points behind league-leaders Chelsea after a disappointing display against Everton.

Shorn of Yaya Touré, is he off at the Africa Cup of Nations, the Citizens struggled to create enough decent chances despite having much of the ball in the first-half.

Chelsea 2-0 Newcastle – Blues Cruise To Victory After Choppy First Half (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Newcastle United Premier League 10th January 2015

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Despite finding themselves on the back-foot for most of the first-half, Chelsea ultimately came out on top against Newcastle to stretch their lead to two points at the top of the table.

Football Art: Animator Richard Swarbrick Returns With Achingly Beautiful Tribute To Cristiano Ronaldo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As achingly beautiful as ever, Richard Swarbrick (aka@RikkiLeaks) has unveiled his latest commission: a stunning animated tribute to Cristiano Ronaldo on the eve of the Ballon d'Or gala.

Encompassingover 1,100 hand-drawn sketchbook pages,Swarbrick's paean to Ronaldo also takes him on a pilgrimagefrom Old Trafford to the Bernabeu.

Mexico U20s Create Impressive ‘Human Bicycle’ After Scoring Against Cuba (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

In what proved to be a fairly straightforward day's work, Mexico's U20 younglingsbeat their Cuban counterparts 9-1 in theCONCACAF U20 Championship group stages yesterday.

Indeed, after going 3-1 up after just 20 minutes, the El Tri totsunveiled a cracking set-piece of a celebration, forming an FC Stjarnan-esque human bicycle.

‘I’m P****d Off With Everything’ – Peterborough Chairman Posts Scathing 11-Point Twitter Rant After Colchester Defeat

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By Chris Wright

Seething after watching his side go down 2-0 against Colchester in League One yesterday, Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony took to Twitter to criticise the team after the game.

MacAnthony, who took over from Barry Fry at Posh in 2006, posted a long, 11-point rant which detailed exactly how each player had annoyed him during the defeat, which took Peterborough's home winless streak to six games.

Leicester 1-0 Aston Villa – Konchesky On Target Against Dismal Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leicester City 1-0 Aston Villa Premier League 10th January 2015

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Strugglers Leicester secured a deserved three points at the King Power Stadium on Saturday, with Aston Villa one again producing a mediocre display.

Burnley 2-1 QPR – Clarets Escape Drop-Zone As Hoops Lose Again On The Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 2-1 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 10th January 2015

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QPR produced yet another dreadful defensive display at Turf Moor on Saturday, with Burnley securing a vital three points.

Scott Arfield opened the scoring on 12 minutes after the Hoops backline allowed him to dribble with ease into the box.

Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool – Lazar-Guided Reds Down Black Cats At Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-1 Liverpool Premier League 10th January 2015

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Lazar Markovic produced a match-winning performance for Liverpool at the Stadium of Ligh in Saturday's early game.

The Serbian winger looks finally to be settling in the Premier League and it was his goal, after just eight minutes, which would settle the game.

Accrington Stanley’s Game Against Bury Postponed After Heavy Rainfall Leaves Them With An Underwater Pitch (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Last night's League Two clash between Accrington Stanley and Bury had to be scuttled after a hefty downpour left the pitch at the Crown Ground looking more like an outdoor lido.

Here's the official postponement form sent to the Football League before "kick-off".

FAIL: Over-Zealous Brazilian Physio Takes Classic ‘Over-Zealous Brazilian Physio’ Tumble (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Don't worry, I'm here to help...WOAH!!!"

Last week's game between Murici FC and Sport Atalaia in theCampeonato Alagoano in case you were wondering, which you probably weren't.

(Via ESPN FC)

Official: Cardiff City To Wear Blue Again After Vincent Tan Admits His Re-Brand Was Just Banter

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By Chris Wright

"It was just f**kin' banter mate. Deal with it"

It's not quite official yet but Cardiff City are close to reverting back to playing in blue home shirts after owner Vincent Tan.

(UPDATE: It's official now. Vincent Tan has just released a statement in which he quotes JFK on the Cardiff City website to confirm as much.

‘I Want Him To Leave This Club’ – Carlisle Boss Keith Curle Ain’t Got No Time For Lovey-Dovey Man-Management

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By Chris Wright

Anybody who can remember Carlisle boss Keith Curle during his playing days (*shudder*) will probably not be all that surprised to learn he's not really the type of manager to pull punches and mince his words.

Indeed, while discussing the return to training of previously sidelined midfieldduoAlex Marrow and Danny Kearns in a brief chat with the club's website, Curle demonstrated his no-nonsense approach to man-management.

Football Art: These ‘Star Wars’ Themed Kits By Designer Nerea Palacios Are Bloody Magnificent! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona-based designer Nerea Palacios is desperate to work for Nike (her social media handles are a dead giveaway on that score: Instagram: iwanttoworkfornike, Twitter: @iwtwfNike) and as such she's kept herself busy, building her portfolio by crafting these superbStar Wars-themed football kitconcepts.

Young Fan Sends Adorable ‘Thank You’ Letter To Hamilton Manager Alex Neil As Norwich Departure Looms (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Afterthe news broke yesterday that Norwich have agreed a compensation package with Hamilton to pinch player-manager Alex Neil, many Accies fans have been saying their goodbyes to a coach who has overseen a frankly astounding run of form over the past couple of years.

Snapshot: Club Tijuana Launch New Kit Amid Usual Nightmarish Scenes Thanks To Their Terrifying ‘Hell Hound’ Mascot…

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By Chris Wright

As is par for the course once a year, Mexican side Club Tijuana have unleashed their brand new home kit amid nightmarish scenes thanks solely to their terrifying "hell hound" mascot...

"Kali Ma...KALI MAAAA!!!!!"

Don't know about you guys, but we've always thoughtsleep was overrated anyway.

Rotherham Come To The Aid Of Young Fan Who Had His Beloved Signed Shirt Stolen By Thieving Arseholes

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By Chris Wright

Jasperand his belovedRotherham shirt

The parents of five-year-old Rotherham fan Jasper Thornton have launched anappeal to help recover their son's prized possession,his signed Rotheram shirt, after thieves stole it.

Jasper, who suffers from a rare dermatological condition which causes painful blisters on his skin, had his beloved Millers shirt nicked when his dadhad hiscar broken intoon January 2nd.

Random Great Goals: Lothar Matthaus (Bayern Munich) vs Bayer Leverkusen, 1993 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In what we're hoping will becomea semi-regular little series on Pies, we thought we'd pluck great, if slightly lesser-known goals from the archives at random and duly give them theirmoment in the spotlight.

Following on from Patrick M'Boma's acrobatic J-League crackeragainst Shonan Bellmare in 1997, we're following up with an equally coruscatingvolley from the seemingly ageless bastion of German efficiency that is Lothar Matthaus.

Football Agent Posts LinkedIn Advert Looking For Players ‘Like Xavi Or Kroos’ To Play In Spanish 3rd Tier…

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By Alan Duffy

A certain Richie O'dare, Operations Manager at football agency Yamvi Sports, which is based in both the UK and Ghana, is apparently on the lookout for two playmakers from the EU to play in the Spanish Third Division. But not any old playmakers, you see, but ones "like Xavi or Kroos".

‘Mertesacker Has The Agility Of A Rhinoceros’ – Wojciech Szczesny’s Dad Defends Arsenal Keeper, Points Finger Of Blame At ‘Disastrous’ Defence

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By Chris Wright

Having been temporarily dropped from first-team duties and stung with a £20,000 fine for smoking in the showers after Arsenal's 2-0 defeat against Southampton on New Year's Day, it's fair to saythat Wojciech Szczesny is having a fairly rough old time of it at the moment.

ITV Announce They Will Not Renew Andy Townsend’s Contract – REJOICE FOR WE ARE FREE AT LAST!

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By Chris Wright

"Listen. I just think he should be doing better with that, Clive"

It's takenover a decade (15 long, gruelling, mind-mulchingly monotonous years to be precise) and the loss of their rights to screenFA Cup, Champions League and Europa League games as of 2015/16, but ITV have finally - finally!

Dodgy: Striker Deliberately Uses Hand To Stop His Own Shot Going In During Greek Cup Match (Video)

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By Chris Wright

During today'sGreek Cup tie betweenVeria and Apollon Smyrni, Veria strikerCharalampos Pavlidis appeared to deliberately used his hand to prevent his own shot from crossing the Apollon goal-line.

The highlycurious and decidedly dodgy incident can be seen at the0:19 mark on this here video (apologies in advance for the dreadful audio track).

Tottenham Become First Premier League Club To Ban ‘Selfie Sticks’ After Slew Of Fan Complaints

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By Chris Wright

"Say...'I look like a complete dipstick!'"

Thanks to some tireless campaigning and protestation from hardy members of The Fighting Cock supporters group, Tottenham have done the decent thing and become the first Premier League club to officially ban the "selfie stick".

Sorry LOL: West Ham Owner’s Teenage Son Apologises After H8ting On Kevin Nolan And Andy Carroll On Twitter

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By Chris Wright

"We can get through this if we stick together"

The teenage son of West Ham co-owner David Sullivan has publicly apologised this morning after going off on a tirade against Hammers pair Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll on Twitter yesterday.

It was Nolan who bore the brunt of the tantrum from David Sullivan Jnr, though it was Carroll who came under fire firstasthe gobby 19-year-old brat called the striker's recent conveniently-timed injury niggle into question.

It’s Official: LA Galaxy Confirm Steven Gerrard Will Join Them In July

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By Chris Wright

It's been quite possibly the worst kept secret in football, but today LA Galaxy have officially confirmed that Steven Gerrard will be playing his football at the StubhubCentrecome July.

Galaxy coach Bruce Arena let the news slip during an interview with the LA Times newspaper.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Once Told Carlo Ancelotti He Was Jesus In A Bid To Inspire PSG’s Title Push

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By Chris Wright

Come all ye faithful

Zlatan Ibrahimovic believes he is the risen lord. Does this come as a surprise to you? Of course it bloody well doesn't.

PSG midfielder Marco Verratti has describedhow Zlatan's soaring self-belief inspired the French side to win their first Ligue 1 title in 19 years back in 2013, after the Swedish behemoth revealed himself aslord and saviour to then-coach Carlo Ancelotti before a crucial game against Lyon.

Bayern Munich Defender Dante Had To Ask Thomas Muller To Stop Making Jokes About Germany’s 7-1 Thrashing Of Brazil

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By Chris Wright

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After months of torment, Bayern Munich defender Dante has revealed he had to actively ask clubmate Thomas Muller to stop making jokes about Germany's 7-1 semi-final decimation of Brazil at the 2014 World Cup.

Speaking to Globoesporte, Dante whimpered:

"I spoke with them (the Germanplayersat Bayern Munich), but especially with Thomas.

Football Vines: Zaza Zinger Fires Sassuolo To Victory Over Milan At San Siro

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By Alan Duffy

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Poor old AC Milan suffered a dismal start to 2015 after already enduring a poor 2014. At home to Serie A small frySassuolo, the Rossoneri went down 2-1 with Simone Zaza's superb winning volleyin the second-half.

The hosts had taken the lead courtesy of midfielderAndrea Poli but a goal fromGianluca Sansonelevelled things up before the break.

FA Cup: Everton 1-1 West Ham – Lukaku Leaves It Late As Toffees Grab Draw At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 West Ham United FA Cup 3rd Round 6th January 2015

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A late strike from Romelu Lukaku gave a lacklustre Everton side an FA Cup lifeline at Goodison Park on Tuesday night.

Visitors West Ham were the better side for long periods in this game and eventually took the lead just before the hour-mark.

10 Footballers Who Are Only Famous For One Thing

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By Chris Wright

First up we feel we should point out that the keen-eyed among you may notice there areslightly more than 10 entries (roughly 17 more to be precise) in the list.

What can we say? Things got out of hand. Just try to deal with it as best you can.

Hey ho, let's kick things offwitha controversial one.

Stephanie Roche’s Incredible Puskas Award-Nominated Volley Faithfully Recreated In Lego (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the winner of the 2014 Puskas Award set to be announced at the annual FIFA Ballon d'Or gala in Zurich next Monday, those Brick-by-Brick chaps over at the Guardian have been busy faithfully recreating all three of the goals on the final shortlist (voting is still open) in Lego.

The Black-And-White Years: Portuguese Amateur Goalkeeper’s Protective Headgear Puts Petr Cech To Shame, 1967 (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This here be a vintage team photo (taken outside the public toilet, no less) of the 1967 Leões FC squad, who hailedfrom the coastal town of Peniche in Portugal.

They're a rag-tage bunch and no mistake, but Pies' eye was instantly drawn to the protective headgear (let alone the jazzy kneepads!

Charge Of The Shite Brigade: Sampdoria Trial Daring ‘All Out Attack’ Kick-Off Formation, Go On To Lose Heavily (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Behold, the charge of the shite brigade

Sampdoria trialled a daring new "all out attack" kick-off stratagem against Lazio which involved all ten outfield players lining up on the edge of the centre-circle and bombing straight into enemy territory on the sound of the first whistle.

FA Cup Snapshot: The Only Crowd-Surfing Womble You’re Likely To See This Season… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Liverpool in town, AFC Wimbledon's mascot, Haydon the Womble, went above and beyond in his efforts to entertain the crowds at Kingsmeadow even indulging in a spot of crowd-surfing at one point, leading to perhaps the strangest chant to be sung at a football ground this season (see the video below).

Arsenal ‘Keeper Wojciech Szczesny Fined £20,000 For Smoking In The Shower After Southampton Defeat

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By Chris Wright

After he was replaced in goal by David Ospina for Arsenal's FA Cup tie against Hull over the weekend, rumours circulated that Wojciech Szczesny had been dropped by Arsene Wenger for "bad behaviour".

That tittle-tattle has been fleshed out today with reports in several of the major newspapersthat Szczesny waspunished after being caught smoking in the showers after the Gunners' 3-0 defeat against Southampton on New Year's Day.

FA Cup: Burnley 1-1 Tottenham – Vokes Keeps Clarets In Cup At Turf Moor (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur FA Cup 3rd Round 5th January 2015

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In front of a measly crowd of 9,348 at Turf Moor, Burnley and Tottenham played out a largely dull FA Cup clash.

After a turgid first 45, things got a bit better after the break with the introduction of Harry Kane adding a much-needed spark to the Lilywhites.

FA Cup: AFC Wimbledon 1-2 Liverpool – Captain Fantastic Gerrard Rescues Reds Once Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

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A brace from captain Steven Gerrard secured a hard-fought win for Liverpool atThe Cherry Red Records Stadium on Monday night.

The Reds legend headed home on 12 minutes after aJavier Manquillo centre and with an early goal under their belts, the Premier League side looked headed for an easy evening.

Random Great Goals: Patrick M’Boma (Gamba Osaka) vs Shonan Bellmare, 1997 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Someone order a brick shithouse?"

In what we're planning to make a semi-regular little series on Pies, we thought we'd pluck a great, if slightly lesser-known goal from the archives at random and duly give it its moment in the spotlight.

To kick things off we're starting from an absolute corker from Cameroonian blunderbuss Patrick M'Boma;a powerfultarget man who clocked up some serious mileage over the course of his meandering, nomadic career with spells in France, Sunderland, Italy, Libya and Japan.

Snapshot: Hearts Fan Drops Pie During Goal Celebration, Discovers It Again 20 Minutes Later…

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By Chris Wright

Classic tale: Hearts fan drops pie while celebrating a goal, writes it off as a goner, discovers it again 20 minutes later secreted in the hood of the lady sat in front of him...

Timeless. Everybody loves a happy ending.

(Via Bleacher Report/@TheLadBible)

FIFA Gave Each Of Their Members A Complimentary Copy Of Their Godawful ‘United Passions’ Movie For Christmas

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By Chris Wright

As precisely everybody in the entire world foresaw, FIFA's self-funded vanity project movie about their own formation proved to be the biggest pile of festering shite since themountainousturd laid down by thetriceratops in Jurassic Park.

Starring Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter, Gerard Depardieu as Jules Rimet and Sam Neill as Joao Havelange, "United Passions" cost an estimated $27million to make, with it's global box office takings stood at a measly$200,000 the last time anybody bothered to check.

18 Cracking Photos Of An FA Cup Institution: The Tin-Foil FA Cup

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By Chris Wright

It was most pleasing to see a healthy smattering of tin-foil FA Cups in the terraces this past third round weekend, proving that the FA Cup as a footballing folklore institution is not quite dead on its feet yet.

We love ourselves a good cardboardFA Cup effigy it soothes our mortal souls so lets get started with what might just be the first ever documented appearance.

‘Where Is Everyone?’ – Oldham Athletic Fan Makes 4,600-Mile Pilgrimage To Watch Game Only To Find It’s Been Postponed

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By Chris Wright

Boundary Park, home of Oldham Athletic

AnOldham Athletic fan was left completely bemused after making the epicvoyage from her home in Texas to Lancashirein order to watch her adopted side play for the first time this last weekend, only to find their Boundary Park stadiumcompletely locked up and deserted upon her arrival!

Accrington Stanley Sell Tickets For FA Cup Game Against Man Utd That Doesn’t Exist

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By Chris Wright

Accrington Stanley have announced that tickets have gone on sale for the League Two side's glamorous FA Cup third round tie against Manchester United the only problem being, of course, that United actually met Yeovil in the third round yesterday, winning 2-0 at Huish Park.

FA Cup: Arsenal 2-0 Hull – Ice Cold Alexis Guides Gunners To Emirates Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 Hull City FA Cup 3rd Round 4th January 2015

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Steve Bruce's Hull producing a decent display at the Emirates on Sunday, but ultimately it was Arsenal who would secure the win which sees them move into the 4th Round of the FA Cup.

FA Cup: Chelsea 3-0 Watford – Second-Half Surge Sees Blues Take Sting Out Of Hornets (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea- Watford FA Cup 3rd Round 4th January 2015

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Three second-half goals earned Chelsea a hard-fought win at home to Watford on Sunday.

The Hornets were organised in the first-half and frustrated the Blues, who were without the likes of Cesc Fabregas and Nemanja Matic.

FA Cup: Yeovil 0-2 Man Utd – Red Devils Battle To Victory Against Gallant Glovers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Yeovil Town 0-2 Manchester United FA Cup 3rd Round 4th January 2015

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Second-half goals from Ander Herrera and Angel Di Maria secured Manchester United's passage into the third round of the FA Cup at Huish Park on Sunday.

Football GIF: Ander Herrera Scores FA Cup Cracker For Man Utd Against Yeovil

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By Alan Duffy

Spanish midfielder Ander Herrera took the pressure off Manchester United at Huish Park on Sunday, opened the scoring in the second-half to help the Red Devils to a hard-fought 2-0 win against League One Yeovil Town (Angel Di Maria netted the second). And what a fine effort it was!

FA Cup: Man City 2-1 Sheffield Wednesday – Late Milner Brace Fires Citizens Into 4th Round (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 2-1 Sheffield Wednesday FA Cup 3rd Round 4th January 2015

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Manchester City came from behind to beat Sheffield Wednesday at the Etihad on Sunday.

The Owls started well and went ahead when Austrian strikerAtdhe Nuhiu fired home from a Stevie May pass.

Fernando Torres Revives His 2002 Hairstyle For Official Atletico Madrid Unveiling (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

After turning up in the crowd to watch his new/old side take on Levante in La Liga last night, Fernando Torreswas officially unveiled as an Atletico Madrid player this afternoon in front of 40,000 adoring fans at the Vicente Calderon stadium.

When you agree to meet your old gf on Facebook and dye your hair like you did at school so she'll still fancy you pic.

Arda Turan Turns Up And Sings (Like A Walrus With Chronic Bronchitis) On Turkish Version Of ‘The Voice’

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By Chris Wright

In which, whiling away his winter holiday, Atletico Madrid winger Arda Turan turns up on the Christmas special episode of television talent contest O Ses (i.e,Turkey's version of 'The Voice') and proceeds to grumble and growl his way through a songfrom the Turkish hit parade.

Karim Benzema In Trouble With Real Madrid After Going Skydiving While On Holiday In Dubai

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By Chris Wright

"I was just anticipating contact, boss,honest!"

Karim Benzema is likely to face a slap on the wristupon his return to Real Madrid after the winter break having beenphotographed skydiving in Dubai.

According to MARCA, Benzema isbarredfrom participating in "dangerous activities" as per his Madrid contract, with skydiving from 8,000 feetdefinitely falling into that bracket.

FA Cup Third Round Frolics: Blyth Spartans Have An Interesting List Of Fines (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With Birmingham in town for the FA Cup third round, Football Focus had a nosey around Blyth Spartans' Croft Park ground before the game, with host Dan Walker stumbling across the non-league side's list of fines in the corridor.

While some of the punishments are very reasonable(£2 for taking a leak in the showers seems like a bargain), elsewhere theclub's true priorities are laid bare for all to see.

‘Expert Pundit’ Jamie Redknapp Has A Bold FA Cup Prediction He’d Like To Share With You…

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By Chris Wright

Stick your house on it...

Smashed it.

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Andy Carroll’s New House Is As Tastefully Decorated As You Might Expect (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Andy Carroll and his other half, Billi Mucklow (something to do with that 'Everybody Loves Essex' thing), have been busy showing off their new house of late, posting a series of photos across their respective Instagrams of the chintzy abode they now share.

Tastefully decorated in classic 'Stephen Ireland' style, Carroll's gaff is a vision of horrendous, epilepsy-inducing neon pink gaudiness.

Snapshot: Tranmere Rovers ‘Keeper Owain Fon Williams Paints A Mean Highland Cow…

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By Chris Wright

With the Beeb coming round for a bit of a natter about his side's preparations for Saturday's FA Cup third round tie against Swansea, Tranmere Rovers goalkeeper Owain Fon Williams took the opportunity to show off his hidden artistic talents.

Introducing the piece as "one he took of the easel this morning", the Welsh stopper proudly debuted his new oil painting of a highland cow and a smasher it is too!

Superstitious Leeds Fan Quits Job As TV Sports Reporter To Help Reverse His Beloved Club’s Fall From Grace

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By Chris Wright

This man is Magnus Sveen. He is Norwegian and he is a lifelong Leeds United fan, but don't let that put you off.

For the past 14 years, Sveen had worked as a sports reporter for Norwegian broadcasters TV2, but all that came to an end on the second day of 2015 when he jacked it all in to help his beloved football club reverse their meteoric divebombfrom grace.

Bolton Fan Paddy McGuinness Forced To Clean Emile Heskey’s Boots After Losing Twitter Bet (Video)

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By Chris Wright

True to his word, Bolton Wanderers fan Paddy McGuinness dropped into the club's training ground earlier today to scrub Emile Heskey's boots after losing a Twitter wager.

Shortly before Bolton's Boxing Day game against Blackburn Rovers, McGuinness took to Twitter and announced that he'd gladly clean Heskey'sboots if the veteran forward scored on his Trotters debut.

Retro Football: Sky Sports Kick Off With Gloriously Naff Launch Advert, 1992 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"I like the jacket, but do you do it in pissy yellow?"

Posted up yesterday by Sky Sports themselves as a 'throwback Thursday'-type thing, here's one of several flashy(ish) promos used to hype the launch of the Premier League back in 1992 either the day football died altogether or the day football became totally extreme, rad, wicked and awesome,depending on which side of the fence you come down on.

Partick Thistle Donate All Matchday Pies To Homeless Charity After Celtic Game Postponed

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By Chris Wright

In a story that is very close to our hearts for obvious reasons, Partick Thistle donated their entire stock of matchday pies to a homeless charity on New Year's Day after their SPL game against Celtic was postponed.

With a water-logged pitch causing the fixture to be scuttled, Thistle'scatering staff were left with a "bumper stock" of pies on their hands after buying in extra for the big game.

Steven Gerrard To Leave Liverpool After 26 Years Of Loyal Service: Does The Word ‘Legend’ Do Him Justice?

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By Chris Wright

As you've no doubt heard, Steven Gerrard has announced that this current season will be his last with Liverpool, the one and only club hehas represented in his 16 years as a professional footballer.

After several months of contract wrangling and discussions about his future role at Anfield, Gerrard went public shortly before close of play last night to confirm that he will no be renewing his deal when it expires this coming summer leaving him free to negotiate pre-contract terms with interested parties as ofnow.

Tottenham 5-3 Chelsea – Blues Battered By Harry’s Game (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 5-3 Chelsea Premier League 1st January 2015

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Back in 2004, Jose Mourinho commented on Arsenal's 5-4 win against Tottenham, saying "That was a hockey score, not a football score. I did not see the game but I have to say that the defenders were a disgrace.

West Ham 1-1 West Brom – Pulis Power Sees Baggies Earn Precious Point At Boleyn Ground (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 1st January 2015

Tony Pulis watched from the stands as his new side West Brom battled to a deserved draw at Upton Park on New Year's Day.

The Hammers had opened the scoring through Diafro Sakho on 10 minutes, with the striking heading home from an Aaron Cresswell centre.

QPR 1-1 Swansea – Bony On Target As Swans Rescue Point At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Swansea City Premier League 1st January 2015

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QPR missed a great chance to secure a vital three points at Loftus Road on Thursday, with a late Wilfried Bony goal securing a share of the points for visitors Swansea.

Hull 2-0 Everton – Toffees Come Unstuck Again As Tigers Hunt Down Vital Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-0 Everton Premier League 1st January 2015

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Everton's poor season continued with their fourth defeat in a row, this time going down 2-0 away to Hull.

The Tigers were the better side throughout and took the lead just after the half-hour mark, courtesy of anAhmed Elmohamady header.

Newcastle 3-3 Burnley – Clarets Boyd By Late Comeback At St. James’ Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 3-3 Burnley Premier League 1st January 2015

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Managerless Newcastle United and Premier League strugglers Burnley produced a cracker at St. James Park on Thursday, with the New Year's Day crowd treated to a six-goal thriller.

Liverpool 2-2 Leicester – Reds Pay Penalty As Foxes Fight Back For Deserved Point At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-2 Leicester City Premier League 1st January 2015

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A lacklustre Liverpool side threw away a two-goal lead at home to Leicester at Anfield in a game full of controversy.

The Reds were 2-0 at the break courtesy of two Steven Gerrard penalties.

Man City 3-2 Sunderland – Lampard Saves Day After Citizens Scare At Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-2 Sunderland Premier League 1st January 2015

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With his loan move from New York City lengthened until the end of the season, Frank Lampard celebrated his extended stay in the Premier League by bagging the winner for Manchester City at the Etihad.

Southampton 2-0 Arsenal – Shambolic Gunners Outplayed By Saints At St. Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-0 Arsenal Premier League 1st January 2015

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Arsenal produced yet another embarrassing defensive display at St. Mary's on Thursday, with the Gunners deservedly going down 2-0 to Southampton.

The visitors were threadbare in midfield and attack but started with their first choice back-four and goalkeeper.

Aston Villa 0-0 Crystal Palace – Pardew Looks On As Eagles Make Dull Point At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 1st January 2015

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In front of the watching Alan Pardew, Crystal Palace played out a rather dull encounter with Aston Villa at Villa Park.

Amidst the mediocrity of the clash, both sides did have chances to score, withChristian Benteke and Alan Huttongoing close for the hosts and wingerYannick Bolasie hitting the crossbarfor the Eagles.

Stoke 1-1 Man Utd – Potters Unlucky As Red Devils Battle To Britannia Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester United Premier League 1st January 2015

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Manchester United extended their unbeaten run to 10 league games after a hard-fought draw at the Britannia Stadium on Thursday.

The Potters opened the scoring after just two minutes, courtesy of a close-ranger effort from Ryan Shawcross, who was impressive throughout.

Heart-Warming: Southampton Do Their Bit To Help Lovestruck Fan Meet The Girl Of His Dreams (Video)

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By Chris Wright

@SouthamptonFC Unreal looking girl that sits 4 seats next to me that keeps giving me eyes. Can you tell me who sits in block 24 seat 626?

— Timothy (@_timcorn) December 21, 2014

In a tale to truly warm your cockles on this bleak January morn, one Southampton fan is on the verge of finding true love thanks to anassist from the Saintsthemselves.

‘Disaster, Absolute Disaster’ – Frank Lampard Extends Man City Loan Deal, Rubs New York City FC Fans Up The Wrong Way

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By Chris Wright

The announcement that Man City haveextendedFrank Lampard's loan deal in order to allow him to play on until the end of the season has, unsurprisingly, not gone down wellwith supporters of the midfielder's parent club, inbound MLS franchise New York City FC.