Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2014

Champions League: Sporting 0-1 Chelsea – Blues Switch To Auto-Matic Pilot In Lisbon (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sporting Lisbon 0-1 Chelsea Champions League Group G 30th September 2014

It took a Nemanja Matic header in the 34th minute to secure all three points for Chelsea on Tuesday night. The Blues had plenty of chances to score more goals only for Sporting 'keeper Rui Patricio to produce save after save in an outstanding individual display.

Champions League: Man City 1-1 Roma – Top Totti Makes History As Citizens Held At Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-1 Roma Champions League Group E 30th September 2014

Francesco Totti became the oldest scorer in Champions League and European Cup history with the 38 year-old (and three days) cancelling out Sergio Aguero's fourth-minute penalty.

Intrepid Bayern Munich Fans Spend ‘Several Thousand Euros’ Hiring Office Overlooking CSKA Moscow’s Stadium (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

A steward has his picture taken in the ghostly confines of CSKA'sArena Khimki

With UEFA ordering CSKA Moscow to play tonight's Champions League group tie against Bayern Munich behind closed doors due to their fans being all racist and fascist and stuff during a game against Viktoria Plzen last December, a small group of Bayern fans have had to go to extremes in order to watch their beloved side in action.

Classic Moments: Everton Über-Flop Alex Nyarko Suffers The Ultimate Indignity At Highbury, 2001 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

This be the tale of one of Everton's most infamousduds, Alex Nyarko, and the day he suffered perhaps the ultimate indignity (at least as far asprofessional footballers are concerned) one fateful afternoon at Highbury back in 2001.

Are you sitting comfortably?

MLS 2014 Player Salaries Released – Top Earner Kaka Currently Raking In $7m Despite NOT Playing For A Club That Isn’t Actually In The League

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By Chris Wright

Kaka: Positively rolling in it

As is customary, the MLS Players Union have publicly released the 2014 salaries of each and every player in the league, with the usual suspects topping the list as expected.

However, far above the likes of Clint Dempsey, Jermain Defoe, Tim Cahill, Landon Donovan, Robbie Keane and Thierry Henry comes the MLS' new highest earner, Kaka, who is raking in a whopping great $7.

Lord Of The Mics: Bradley Wright-Phillips Takes On Yannick Bolasie In The Rap Battle Nobody Asked For (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We can't believe we completely missed the other five instalments, but the "Lord of the Mics VI" mixtape/compilation CD is almost upon us and the sixth entry in the oeuvre is set to be the best (much like the Police Academy franchise "City Under Seige" beinga true classic of the police farce genre), featuring as it does the long-awaited, much-hyped rap battle between Bradley Wright-Phillips and Yannick Bolasie.

Stoke 1-0 Newcastle – Potters Win Pushes Pardew Closer To Magpies Exit (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-0 Newcastle United Premier League 29th September 2014

This defeat for Newcastle at Britannia may well prove to be a turning point in the career of Alan Pardew, with the already-under-pressure Magpies' boss set for a meeting with club owner Mike Ashley.

Football Vine: Newcastle’s Paul Dummett Spins Right Round, Like A Record Baby. Right Round

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By Alan Duffy

I doubt Newcastle fans will have found much to laugh about during their 1-0 defeat away at Stoke on Monday night. However, this footage of Paul Dummett rather losing his bearingstickled us here at Pies!

(Vine: James Williams)

Polygamy-A-Go-Go: Newcastle’s Cheick Tiote Returns Home To Wed Second Wife, Much To The Annoyance Of His Mistress

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By Chris Wright

The bare-faced Cheick of it!

We're not entirely certain if the two revelationsare linked, but Newcastle have furnished midfielder Cheick Tiote with a new £45,000-a-week contract today the very same day that the Ivory Coast midfielder is rumoured to have incurred the wrathoff his mistress by secretly marrying his second wife.

Shit Lookalikes: Zlatan Ibrahimovic & His Identical Bulgarian Doppelganger…

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By Chris Wright

Nothing shit about this. This pair share 100% of their genetic material (bar the spectacles*)...

The chap on the right is Bulgarian investigative journalistHristo Hristov, who is apparently well aware of the fact that he shares a face with the Almighty Zlatan.

Snapshot: Just Pep Guardiola, Wrapped In A Blanket, In The Street, In Moscow, In The Middle Of The Night…

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By Chris Wright

Feel free to just sit and ponder uponstthis image for a moment...

Fire alarm went off in the middle of the night at Bayern Munich's hotel by all accounts.

Eeeeeverybody out!

Latvian Side FK Ventspils Pose For Mass ‘Team Photo’ Goal Celebration, Taken With Player’s Boot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Taking a leaf out of Icelandic side FC Stjarnan's well-worn book, Latvian first divisiontable-toppers FK Ventspils decided to go all out in the "choreographed goal celebration" stakes by marking their solitary goalin Sunday's 1-1 draw againstLiepaja by posing for a team photo complete with a boot-wielding "cameraman".

BBC To Auction Off Entire ‘Match Of The Day’ Studio Set, Could Be Yours For Just £10,000

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By Chris Wright

You can tell it's getting on a bit by the Derby badge

In a bid to raise a bit of cash, the BBC are auctioning off the Match of the Day studio set which was used from the beginning of the 2007/08 season right up until the point that the programme was relocated from London to Salford Media Cityin 2011.

Fair Play: Sudden Attack Of Conscience Sees Paderborn Striker Convince Referee To Rescind Opponent’s Yellow Card (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We know what you're thinking: You wait ages for a Christoph Kramer post then two, etc, etc...

Anyway, the Borussia Monchengladbach midfielder managed to wriggle his way out of a booking against newly-promoted SC Paderborn at the weekend when opposing strikerStefan Kutschke sort of admitted to taking a tumble to the referee.

‘He Wanted To Swap Shirts With The Referee’ – Germany Stars Reveal Full Extent Of Christoph Kramer’s World Cup Final Concussion

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By Chris Wright

As you may well recall, Christoph Kramer got himself well and truly knocked into the middle of next week during the World Cup Final after a brutal collision with Argentina'sEzequiel Garay.

Kramer was knocked unconscious for several moments after colliding head-first with Garay's shoulder, though was eventually allowed to play on after being assessed by the medics on duty until being taken off in the 31st minute after his teammates noticed theBorussia Mönchengladbach man was visibly doolally.

Gary Neville Proves Hardman Credentials At The Hawthorns, Spooked By Harmless Sprinkler (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Waffling on about Chris Brunt's pass completion rate, etc at The Hawthorns before West BromstuffedBurnley yesterday, Sky Sports co-commentator Gary Neville was made to squeallike a highly-strungdowager duchess (for the second time in his broadcasting career) after succumbing to a sneak attack from the Baggies' sprinkler system.

Commentator Goes Apoplectic After 94th-Minute Goal Sees Finnish Side FC Santa Claus Clinch Promotion! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Formed in 1993 and playing their football inside the Arctic Circle in Lapland, the aptly named FC Santa Claus secured promotion of the third tier of Finnish football on Saturday thanks to a dramatically latewinning goal scored in their finalgame of the season against ORPa.

Chelsea Loanee Lucas Piazon Hits Stunning Free-Kick Winner For Eintracht Frankfurt vs Hamburg (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With the game square at 1-1 and the clock ticking over into stoppage time, Chelsea loanee Lucas Piazon stepped up and whiffled this little beauty into the top corner to snag all three points for Eintracht Frankfurt against Hamburger in the Bundesligayesterday.

FAIL: Brazilian Goalkeeper Scores Simply Spectacular ‘Accidental Diving Header’ Own Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Avai beat Boa Esporte 2-0 over in the Brazilian second division on Saturday evening, with Boa Esporte 'keeper Joao Carlos conspiring to score his opponents' second goal of the game viaa truly outstanding (yet completely accidental) diving header following an already fairly calamitous cavalcade of defensiveabsurdity.

Football Vine: Paul Lambert And Roy Keane Blank Jose Mourinho And His Cheeky Premature End-Of-Game Handshake

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By Alan Duffy

I've always found Jose Mourinho's penchant for shaking hands with the opposition manager and then disappearing down the tunnel before the game has actually ended as rather disrespectful. The Chelsea boss attempted the same thing during his side's comfortable 3-0 win against Aston Villa on Saturday, only for Villans boss Paul Lambert and his assistant Roy Keane (just off camera) to pretty much ignore the Portuguese manager's offer of a handshake.

West Brom 4-0 Burnley – Baggies Batter Clarets At Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 4-0 Burnley Premier League 29th September 2014

West Brom secured their first home win of the new season after they meted out a proper hammering to top-tier new-boys Burnley.

Saido Berahino netted himself a brace with Craig and Dawson and Graham Dorrans getting in on the act against a Burnley side who look woefully short of the quality needed to stay in the Premier League.

Sunderland 0-0 Swansea – Stadium Of Stalemate As Black Cats Draw Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-0 Swansea City Premier League 28th September 2014

Sunderland made it five draws from their first six Premier League games after a rather dour 0-0 clash with Swansea.

Decent chances were few and far between in this game although Sunderland did go close late courtesy of an effort fromsub Steven Fletcher.

Crystal Palace 2-0 Leicester City – Warnock’s Warriors Too Strong For Foxes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 2-0 Leicester City Premier League 28th

Two second-half goals secured Crystal Palace their first home win of the new season. After a rather turgid first-half in which chances were few and far between, the Eagles' pace and power was too much much for the Foxes to take in the second period.

Arsenal 1-1 Tottenham – Oxlade Chamberlain Secures Point For Gunners In North London Derby (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-1 Tottenham Premier League 27th September 2014

Arsenal failed to make home advantage count in this rather tepid north London derby on Saturday.

The Gunners saw both Mikel Arteta and Aaron Ramsey subbed off due to injury early on in a game the hosts will be disappointed not to have won.

Southampton 2-1 QPR – Pelle Pearler Keeps Saints Flying High (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-1 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 27th September 2014

A magnificent Graziano Pelle scissor-kick kept Southampton's superb start to the season on track in a hard-fought clash with QPR.

Full-back Ryan Bertrand opened the scoring for the Saints on 54 minutes as the Hoops looked set for another disappointing result.

Combined Counties League Game Abandoned After Substitute Brandishes Pitchfork During Brawl

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By Chris Wright

We're skipping back a week or so here so you'll have to forgive us, but last weekend'sCombined Counties League Division One tie betweenStaines Lammas FC andChessington & Hook FC had to be abandoned after a brawl broke out during the latter stages of the game.

Leeds Owner Massimo Cellino Watches Brentford Defeat From Among The Away Fans (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Cellino in the Leeds end hahahahaha pic.twitter.com/1QFkEZCRup

— Jamie Baldwin (@JamieBaaldwin) September 27, 2014

Tired of the frumpy atmosphere up in the executive seats at Brentford, the ever-capricious Leeds United owner Massimo Cellino wandered round to watch the second half of his side's 1-2 defeat yesterday from among the travelling Leeds fans.

Man Utd 2-1 West Ham – Rooney Sees Red But United Hold On Against Hammers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-1 West Ham United Premier League 27th September 2014

Initially this looked like being a rather straightforward win for Manchester United, with early goals from Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie putting the hosts 2-0 up within 22 minutes.

Hull 2-4 Man City – Dzeko Double Tames Tigers At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-4 Manchester City Premier League 28th September 2014

A superb Edin Dzeko brace helped Manchester City on their way to all three points on Saturday although the Premier League champions were pushed all the way by Hull.

Goals from Sergio Aguero and Dzeko but the Citizens 2-0 up within 11 minutes, but French defender Eliaquim Mangala then decided to have a bit of a nightmare all of his own.

Chelsea 3-0 Aston Villa – Blues Power Past Villans As Costa Scores Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-0 Aston Villa Premier League 27th September 2014

Aston Villa may have done their best to keep league leaders Chelsea at bay for long periods of this clash, but ultimately Jose Mourinho's were just too strong for the hosts.

Oscar opened the scoring with a tap-in after just seven minutes but it took the Blues until the hour-mark to double their advantage.

Liverpool 1-1 Everton – Jagielka Bolt From The Blue Bags Toffees Share Of Derby Points (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 Everton Premier League 27th September 2014

An injury-time screamer from the rather unlikely right peg of Phil Jagielka saved a point for Everton at Anfield on Saturday.

Liverpool had the better of the chances in a rather tepid Merseyside derby clash while both sides could have had penalties early on.

Football GIF: Wayne Rooney Sees Straight Red Against West Ham For Lashing Out At Stewart Downing

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By Chris Wright

Wayne Rooney was shown his first red card for five years in Manchester United's 2-1 victory over West Ham at Old Trafford this afternoon for lashing out petulantly at Stewart Downing.

While it was hardly the most grievous challenge you're ever likely to see, a riled-up Rooney aimed a cynical swipe at Downing's legs and caught him a little too high for referee Lee Mason's liking with a straight red card duly being administered to the new England captain.

KABOOM: Phil Jagielka Scores Late Equaliser For Everton In Merseyside Derby With Ballistic 30-Yard Boomtrumpet!

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By Chris Wright

"JAGIELKAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!"

With Steven Gerrard putting Liverpool 1-0 up with a smashingfree-kick just past the hour mark, it was left to Phil Jagielka to even things out in the final minute when the Everton skipper spandangled one in from 30-yards by harnessingthe raging power of AMPLIFIED THUNDAH!

FA Accuse Qatar Of Setting Up Fake Football Blog In Order To Praise Themselves And Deride Their Critics

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By Chris Wright

The head of the FA, Greg Dyke, has condemned Qatar after an investigation conducted by Channel 4 News found that they may have used extremely suspect PR chicanery in their attempts to quell the tidal wave of criticism that has been directed at the country since they were handed the 2022 World Cup hosting duties by FIFA.

Mario Balotelli Inhales Helium Then Attempts Squeaky Liverpool Chant (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Your's to do with as you see fit: Here's a video of Mario Balotelli inhaling helium from a balloon in a car and chanting "Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool"...

He's bloomin' MAD, that boy.

(Via LANCE!TV)

Young Alopecia Sufferer Invites Jonjo Shelvey To His School, Swansea Midfielder Goes One Better

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By Chris Wright

Massive doff of the proverbial cap is due to Jonjo Shelvey, who made a young fan's dreams come true with a wonderful gesture last weekend.

Seven-year-old Swansea fan Harry Jacobs wrote to Shelvey via the club's office and invited the midfielder along to his primary school in Muswell Hill to meet him and his friends.

10 Crackers From the Goalfest That Is The North London Derby (Videos)

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of Saturday's clash between Arsenal and Tottenham, here's a video highlighting some of the best goals ever scored in this famous clash which in recent seasons has produced a veritable smorgasbord oftastygoals.

In my opinion though, the fact it's missing Liam Brady's classic strike from 1978 is highly questionable, I've added that goal, complete with John Motson's famous "Look at that!

Former Liverpool Striker David N’Gog May (Or May Not) Have Gone Missing In France

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By Chris Wright

#455381126 / gettyimages.com

According to today's L'Equipe, former Liverpool, Swansea and Bolton striker David N'Gog has reportedlygone missing after disappearing from his hotel room in France.

N'Gog,who has played just 65 minutes of football since joining Ligue 1 side Stade de Reims over the summer, pulled out oflast weekend's game against Lorient with a stomach bug.

Top 10 Best/Worst FIFA 15 Glitches Unearthed So Far

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By Chris Wright

With FIFA 15 hitting and subsequently flying off the shelves acrossthe UK last night, we thought we'd bring you a comprehensive round-up of the best/worst glitches and bugs stumbled across so far starting with a beauty from earlier in the week.

Charge of the Shite Brigade.

Retro Football: Mick McCarthy & Shay Given – The Catalogue Model Years, 1998 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As scanned from Republic of Ireland match programmes from 1998ish by Brand New Retro, here's Mick McCarthy and Shay Given giving their best "Imperial Leisure" while modelling a variety of chunky knits for Penneys like proud and extremely stylish father and son.

German Safety Assessment Bods Ban Use Of Vanishing Spray In Bundesliga For Fear Of It Being ‘Hormonally Active’

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By Chris Wright

Bad news, folks. Thanks to a ruling made bya prominent German product safety organisation, the free-kick vanishing spray that has revolutionised the way football is played across the world will not be allowed to be used by referees in Germany's Bundesliga.

Enner Valencia Admits He Learned All He Knows About West Ham By Watching ‘Green Street’

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By Chris Wright

Having never played outside Ecuador and Mexico before signing for West Ham over the summer, it's perhaps understandable that Enner Valencia didn't have much to go on when it came to background information on his new employers.

With his £12million move to Upton Park imminent, Valencia decided to swot up on the Hammers using the only cultural artefacthe could find centred around the club which sadly for him turned out to be the absolutely dreadful hooligan movie, Green Street.

Competition: WIN! One Of 30 Limited Edition Hally Ink ‘Nottingham Forest Legends’ Prints

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By Chris Wright

Here at Pies we're big admirers of the work of illustrator Gavin Hall, aka HallyInk, who has found a cool niche knocking out these cracking limited editioncaricatures of football's great and good.

Finally, after persistent badgering from the likes of us, HallyInk has got around to producing a Nottingham Forest version, featuring bona fide Forest club legends Brian Clough, John Robertson, Stuart Pearce and Des Walker.

Diego Costa Rounds Up Chelsea’s Waifs And Strays And Delivers Them To Training In Style (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Reminiscent of the Jeep scene from Zoolander, here's late arrivalsDiego Costa, Didier Drogba, Felipe Luis, Petr Cech and Thibaut Courtois all steaming into yesterday's Chelsea training session together on their Banana Splits buggy...

The altogether more entertaining, slightly sped-up GIF version.

Leaked Food Itinerary Reveals Barcelona Squad Went Mad For Pizza And Nutella Sandwiches After Malaga Stalemate (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

We're not entirely sure if this constitutes comfort eating or what, but a leaked document picked up by Spanish paper Libertad Digital has revealed that several members of the Barcelona squad ate away the pain of last night's 0-0 draw against Malaga by ordering pizza and Nutella sandwiches from hospitality.

Football Art: Hark At This Beautiful Footage Of Feyenoord vs Ajax, Shot Using €20,000 Steadi-Cam (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As shot by Dutch freelance cameramanBen de Graafusing his trusty hi-tech Movi steadicam frame, this footage ofthe pre-game formalitiesbefore Feyenoord's 0-1 home loss to Ajax at the weekend is so beautifully hyper-real that as Pies spotterBrian McClair's Ghost (possibly not his real name) puts it it looks more like a big budget intro from FIFA 15 than actual camera work.

Snapshot: Ashley Cole Has Finally Made Friends At Roma…

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By Chris Wright

Hopefully putting the chronically tired "lurking" meme to bed forever more, here's a celebratory team shot posted by Roma after last night's 1-2 away victory over Parma with Lonely Ashley integrated slap, bang in the middle...

All aboard the Roma fun plane.

Chelsea’s Kurt Zouma Reveals The Magical Secret Of His Name… And It Involves Jean-Claude Van Damme

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By Chris Wright

Having scored his first goal in Chelsea coloursagainst Everton in the Capital One Cup last night, 19-year-old centre-half Kurt Zouma is attracting his fair share of attention today and rightly so.

Indeed, when the Premier League squad lists were announced a week or two ago,Zouma's slightly strange middle name caused a ripple of mirth among fans after all, let's face it, it's not ever day you come across a6'3″ colossus of a defenderwhose middle name happens to by "Happy".

Faustino Asprilla Throws His Considerable Girth Behind New Line Of Guava-Flavoured Condoms

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By Chris Wright

Tino Asprilla with a bar of Dairy Milk enjoy!

Joining Ronaldinho in the footballer-turned-prophylactic-entrepreneur stakes is one Faustino Asprilla, with the former Parma and Newcastle striker launching his very own line of fruit-flavoured condoms in his native Colombia yesterday.

Luis Suarez Scores First Goals For Barcelona In Friendly Against Indonesia U19 Side (GIFs)

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By Chris Wright

With Barcelona's senior side failing to register a single shot on target in a game since the 2003/04 season during their goalless draw against Malaga in La Liga last night, it would seem that Luis Suarez's debut can't come fast enough with the suspended striker scoring twice in a behind-closed-doors friendly game for Barca's B team earlier in the day.

Capital One Cup Snapshot: Young Man City Fan Invades Pitch To Grab ‘Selfie’ With Frank Lampard…

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By Chris Wright

Frank Lampard scored another two goals for Manchester City as his new side disembowelled Sheffield Wednesday with a 7-0 routing in the thirdround of the Capital One Cup last night, though the veteran midfielder's night was no doubt soured when he was forced to pose for a s****e with a pesky young pitch-invading fan during the latter stages of the game.

FAIL: Kaiserslautern’s Philipp Hofmann Pops Up With Bundesliga’s Miss Of The Century! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Kaiserslautern beat Union Berlin 1-0 in the Bundesliga on Wednesday evening, though we can't help but feel that their winning margin perhaps could and should have been a little more convincing especially once wewitnessed the golden chance delivered to and spectacularly spurned by FCK forwardPhilipp Hofmann in the second half.

Man Utd Fans Plan To Entice Cristiano Ronaldo Back To Old Trafford With Yet Another Sodding Plane Banner (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Whipped into a frothy latherby recent baseless tabloid hogwash linking Cristiano Ronaldo with a big move back to Old Trafford, a small gaggle of excitable Manchester United fans have paid through the nose tohelp entice their prodigal son back home via the medium of yet another sodding plane banner.

QPR Defender Steven Caulker Handcuffed After Stealing £1.85 Tub Of Philadelphia Cream Cheese From Tesco

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By Chris Wright

"Yoink!"

QPR defender Steven Caulker faced an embarrassing ordeal earlier in the weekwhen he was arrested and handcuffed outside Tesco for half-inching a tub of Philadelphia cream cheese!

According to the Independent,Caulker was stopped by staffoutside the Tesco Express store in Weybridge, Surrey after failing to pay for a £1.

Mic’d Up: Philadelphia Union’s Maurice Edu Plays Against New York Red Bulls While Wearing A Wire (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As part of a semi-regular series run by the MLS club, Philadelphia Union allowed Maurice Edu to turn out against New York Red Bulls a couple of weeks ago while wearing a small concealed mic pack in order to record the various chatter that went on out in theheat of battle.

Asamoah Gyan Forced To Hold Press Conference In Order To Deny He Murdered Ghanian Rapper Castro As Human Sacrifice

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By Chris Wright

"I know what you're all thinking, but no..."

Here's the kind of news story that doesn't come along every day in football.

Asamoah Gyan has been forced into holding a press conference today wherein the former Sunderland striker will officially deny swirling rumours in his homeland that he has murdered Ghanian rapper Castro the Destroyer as part of a human sacrifice ritual.

Nottingham Forest Fans To Pay Homage To Brian Clough By Staging ‘Green Jumper’ Tribute At White Hart Lane

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By Chris Wright

Following the 10th anniversary of his death last Saturday, every single travelling Nottingham Forest fan will be able to pay tribute to Brian Clough at tonight's Capital One Cup tie against Tottenham by wearing a replica of his famous green Umbro jumper.

Capital One, themselves a Nottingham-based comany, have distributed 1,000 green jumpers among fans who are planning to travel down to White Hart Lane on club transport.

Football GIF: FIFA 15 Plagued By Hilarious ‘Charge Of The Light Brigade’ Kick-Off Glitch

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By Chris Wright

As previously mentioned, FIFA 15 was released in the US last night and, as always, players have found that the game is riddled with bugs and glitches.

While EA Sports busy themselves rushing out the inevitable first patch, feast your eyes on the glitch that has caused the most consternation early doors the "scramble" bug that sees every player on the pitch (including the two goalkeepers) come charging at the ball directly from kick-off, resulting in all 22 men milling around like termites inside the centre circle.

Clint Dempsey Finds Out The Hard Way That Nobody Gives A Damn! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to measurethe burgeoning popularity of soccer in the States, ESPN tasked US national team captain Clint Dempsey with gauging the public's perception of Clint Dempsey with a quick vox-pop session on the streets of New York.

Turns out a lot of people a big bloody fibbers!

FIFA 15 Is Ridiculously Realistic: Luis Suarez Starts The Game Suspended Until October! (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen that EA Sports have gone above and beyond in their quest for authenticity in FIFA 15 with the inclusion of the Catalan "Independencia" chants17 minutes and 14 seconds into every Barcelona home game at the Camp Nou.

With the game officially rolling out across North America last night, several players have noted another impressive token bit of realism included in the game the fact that Barca striker Luis Suarez starts off still serving his suspension for biting Giorgio Chiellini.

Wembley Arch To Go ‘Interactive’ And Light Up To React To Goals And Social Media Trends

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to the FA's new sponsorship deal with broadband-mongers EE, the "iconic" arch over Wembley stadium is to get an interactive makeover, with a newly-fitted, state-of-the-art LED system meaning the structure will be able to react to fluctuating social media trends during games.

Snapshot: Liverpool Beat Middlesbrough In Capital One Cup After Marathon 14-13 Penalty Shoot-Out…

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By Alan Duffy

Seeing goalkeepers taking penalties in a shoot-out is one of the true pleasures of being a football fan and at Anfield on Tuesday night, both Liverpool and Middlesbrough duly obliged as well as giving us the mother of all spot-kick dramas.

With the score at 2-2 after extra-time, the sides proceeded to produce a marathon shoot-out, with both glovesmen Simon Mignolet and Jamal Blackman scoring.

Football Vine: Fernando Torres Heads Home Superb Debut Goal For Milan

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By Alan Duffy

Much-maligned he may well be, but Fernando Torres is still capable of moments of sheer class. Turning out for his new loan side AC Milan, 'El Nino' produced a superb headed goal on his debut for the Rossoneri against Empoli.

The powerful header came just before half-time with the Milan giants already 2-0 down.

Football GIF: Alexis Sanchez Scores Sumptuous 25-Yard Free-Kick vs Southampton

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By Chris Wright

In which Alexis Sanchez whips an inch-perfect free-kick into the top corner to open the scoring against Southampton in the Capital One Cup...

2-1 to the Saints at half-time, as things stand.

Retro Football: 18-Year-Old Jose Mourinho Paraded As Rio Ave Player By His Father, 1981 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Porto manager Sir Bobby Robson gives a press conference alongside his glamorous assistant, 1995

Shortly before jacking it all in to embark on his much, much more successful coaching career, Jose Mourinho harboured dreams of following in his father Felix's footsteps by becoming a professional footballer himself.

Nice Guy John Terry Sends Kind Message And Signed Match Shirt To Recently Bereaved Chelsea Fan…

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By Chris Wright

He's hardly what you'd call a PR department's dream, but for all the negative press he routinely receives from all and sundry, John Terry routinely shows he is at least fleetingly capable of functioning like a decent human being.

Having been contacted via Instagram over the weekend, Terry sent a really quite lovely message to Chelsea fan Louise, whose mother recently passed away.

Roma Sign Themselves A Good Ol’ Fashioned 9-Year-Old Belgian Youtube Prodigy By The Name Of Pietro Tomaselli (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This little chap you see afore ye is Pietro Tomaselli, a nine-year-old Belgian kid who just so happens to be AS Roma's latest signing.

In what we assumed was a dying tradition, Roma havepilferedTomaselli from Anderlecht's youth academy after cottoning on to Youtube videos of the prodigious little urchin in action.

Top 10 Rubbish, Hilarious And Injury-Inducing Goal Celebrations FAILs

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By Chris Wright

With the confirmation this morning from Harry Redknappthat Sandro missed QPR's Saturday's 2-2 draw with Stoke after aggravating his long-standing ACL injury bysliding on his knees in celebration after scoring a goal during a recent training game, we thought we'd cobble together a few of the best celebration cock-ups we've come across over the years.

Liverpool Ladies Answer Birmingham City’s 40-Yard Equaliser With 55-Yard Wonder Goal Direct From Kick-Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having gone 0-1 up throughAmanda Da Costa's first goal of the Women's Super League season, Liverpool Ladies eventually found themselves pegged back when Birmingham City Ladies'Hannah Keryakoplis capitalised on some slapdashgoalkeeping from Liverpool'sLibby Stout to thrash an equaliser into acompletely vacated net from around 40-yards out.

Felix Magath Takes To Facebook To Explain ‘Cheese’ Healing Method, Not Quite As Bonkers As It First Sounds

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By Chris Wright

Any excuse to use this picture again

Felix Magath caused something of a dairyquake yesterday when it came to light that the former Fulham boss was keen to harness the "soothing effects of cheese" to help heal his players' injuries during his time in charge at Craven Cottage.

Pep Guardiola Weighs In And Instantly Ruins Bayern Munich Keepy-Uppies Session! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having wandered over to take part in a spot of light keepy-uppies with a few of the younger members of his squad, Bayern Munich boss Pep Guardiola swiftly brought the light-hearted drill when he flubbed a touch which appeared to bounce awkwardly away off his crotch.

Ugandan Footballer Dies After Fainting While Watching Frank Lampard Equalise For Man City Against Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

Under what in any other circumstances would be a truly magnificentheadline-"Death by Lampard" Ugandan website Kawowo are reporting that a local footballer passed away after witnessing Frank Lampard score the equaliser against Chelsea on Sunday while wearing a Manchester City shirt.

FIFA Official Theo Zwanziger Claims Qatar Will Not Host The 2022 World Cup On ‘Life-Threatening’ Medical Grounds

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By Chris Wright

A member of FIFA's executive committee (ExCo) has gone on record as saying he doesn't believe the 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar as scheduled.

German ExCo representativeTheo Zwanziger has stuck his head above the parapet and told Sport Bild that he believes that Qatar's fearsome 40°c summer temperatures will see the tournament nixed and shifted elsewhere on medical grounds.

Barmy Ex-Fulham Boss Felix Magath Attempted To Harness ‘Soothing Effects Of Cheese’ To Heal His Players’ Injuries

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By Chris Wright

"Smell my cheese, you mutha!"

Canned by Fulham last week following eight months of abject inadequacy at Craven Cottage, an anecdote centred aroundFelix Magath's infamously bizarre training techniques has leaked today courtesy of Observer journalist Daniel Taylor.

Football GIF: German Midfielder Encorporates Break-Dance Elements Into Fantastically Intricate Dive

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By Chris Wright

In which, during Saturday's meeting between Preußen Münster and Sonnenhof Großapach in the 3. Liga (i.e, the German third tier), Münster midfielder Benjamin Siegert goes well and truly above and beyond the call of duty in his effort to prove just how much he wants a free-kick following a slight coming-together withGroßapach's Josip Landeka.

Celta Vigo’s Pablo Hernandez Scores Outrageous ‘Blind’ Backheel Volley vs Atletico Madrid (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Celta Vigo played out a 2-2 draw with Atletico Madrid on Saturday evening, with Pablo Hernandez (the Chilean one, not the ex-Swansea one) opening the scoring with an outstanding, fortunate and unorthodox volley.

With the ball being lumped high into the Atletico box, Hernandez allowed the ball to fly past him before cocking a leg and connecting with an audacious "blind" back-heel that caught out both his marker Diego Godin andkeeper Miguel Moya.

FAIL: Mainz Midfielder Johannes Geis Suffers Spectacular Free-Kick Hiccup vs Dortmund (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with his teammates packed into the Dortmund penalty area awaiting his delivery, Mainz midfielder Johannes Geis falls foul of an unfortunate divot and promptly blasts his attempted cross into the stratosphere above the Coface Arena...

With Geis' free-kick still hovering in near-Earth orbit at the final whistle, Mainz went on to beat Dortmund 2-0 to stay level with fellow early season surprise packages Paderborn at the top of the Bundesliga.

Snapshot: The Finest Vincent Tan Themed Stag-Do You’re Ever Likely To See!

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By Chris Wright

Spotted outside theEuston Tap pub in London over the weekend: a stag-do theme for the ages...

Bravo gentlemen, bravo.

Spot on, right down to the finest detail.

(Photo: @LittleWillAFC/Twitter)

Man City 1-1 Chelsea – Franks For The Memories: Late Lampard Strike Halts Blues’ 100% Start (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-1 Chelsea Premier League 21st September 2014

It had to be him, didn't it? Yes, Chelsea legend Frank Lampard was the man to rob the Blues of all three points at the Etihad on Sunday with the midfielder's late goal securing a point for the Citizens.

Everton 2-3 Crystal Palace – Toffees Struggle Again As Eagles Grab Goodison Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-3 Crystal Palace Premier League 21st September 2014

Everton's poor start to the season continued on Sunday with the Toffees losing at home to Crystal Palace.

The hosts had started much the brighter and went ahead courtesy of a Romelu Lukaku goal as Palae struggled with the pace and movement of the Toffees, However, on the half-hour mark, the Eagles were level when Mile Jedinak converted a penalty after Tim Howard fouled James McArthur in the box.

Tottenham 0-1 West Brom – Morrison On Target As Lilywhites Go Limp At Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Totttenham Hotspur 0-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 21st September 2014

West Brom secured a deserved win at White Hart Lane on Sunday after producing a vibrant attacking display.

Scottish midfielder James Morrison was the goal-hero for the Baggies, heading home unmarked on 74 minutes.

Hull City Goalkeeper Rory Watson Delivers Incredibly Impressive Initiation Song (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having made the Hull City match-day squad for the very first time ahead of the Tiger's 2-2 draw against Newcastle yesterday, 18-year-old goalkeeper Rory Watson was made to stand on a chair and belt out his initiation song at a club dinner on Friday evening.

Choosing Jason Mraz's sickly sweet "I'm Yours" as his weapon of choice, the results as posted to Youtube by skipper Curtis Davies-were definitely pleasantly surprising, especially considering the usual standard of these things.

Roma’s Alessandro Florenzi Booked After Celebrating Goal By Giving His Grandma A Big Hug! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Roma midfielderAlessandro Florenzi scored his very first goal of the season by putting the Giallorossi 2-0 up against Cagliari earlier today, with the 23-year-old choosing to celebrate his maiden strike of the campaign with a very special person among the crowd: his dear old nonna!

Leicester 5-3 Man Utd – Van Gaal’s Galacticos Outfoxed By Top-Tier New-Boys (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leicester City 5-3 Manchester United Premier League 21st September 2014

Despite fielding a side boasting superstar names like Falcao, Di Maria, Van Persie and Rooney, Louis Van Gaal saw his expensively-assembled Manchester United side go down in dramatic fashion against Leicester on Sunday.

Mario Balotelli Bombarded With Racist Abuse After ‘LOL’ Tweet Following Man Utd’s Collapse Against Leicester City

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By Chris Wright

Having watched Manchester United's spectacular collapse against Leicester City this afternoon, Mario Balotelli (whose Liverpool side were similarly taken apart by West Ham yesterday) took to Twitter in order to 'LOL' along with the rest of the world, posting the following succinct message at the end of the game.

Touched By An Angel: Man Utd’s Di Maria Scores Divine Lob vs Leicester City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Heavenly stuff from Angel

With the second half just about to get under way at the King Power, Manchester United are currently leading Leicester City 2-1 thanks in part to this simply divine little lob from Angel Di Maria...

That's what £59,7million's worth of sheer impudence looks like.

Paderborn Midfielder Moritz Stoppelkamp Sets New Bundesliga Record After Scoring From 83 Metres vs Hannover (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As the old adage goes: If you're going to score a goal that takes your largely unfancied, newly-promoted team to the top of the Bundesliga, do it from 80+ metres away.

That's exactly what PaderbornmidfielderMoritz Stoppelkamp did yesterdayafternoon, humping one in from 83 metres out (a Bundesliga record by the way) against Hannover to cap a 2-0 victory that sent his side to the top of the table on goal difference.

West Ham 3-1 Liverpool – Reds Lose Again As Hammers Hit Home At Boleyn Ground (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 3-1 Liverpool Premier League 20th September 2014

Liverpool's poor start to the new season continued with a disappointing defeat away to West Ham on Saturday.

The Hammers started superbly and were 2-0 up within seven minutes after Winston Reid headed home from close-range and thenDiafra Sakho chipped Simon Mignolet.

Newcastle 2-2 Hull – Cissé Saves The Day But Pardew Protests Unlikely To End (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-2 Hull City Premier League 20th September 2014

Under-fire Newcastle boss saw his side come from two goals down to grab a draw with Hull on Saturday at a St. James' Park full of anti-Pardew protesters.

Steve Bruce's Hull netted two magnificent goals, with Nikica Jelavic's superb bicycle kick on 48 minutes followed by a fine strike from Mo Diamé on the 68 minute mark.

Burnley 0-0 Sunderland – Stalemate At Turf Moor Leaves Clarets And Black Cats Still Winless (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 0-0 Sunderland Premier League 20th September 2014

These two sides were winless this season coming into this game and were still winless when it ended. For the large majority of this clash at Turf Moor, there was little to write home about.

Aston Villa 0-3 Arsenal – Mesut Finds His Mojo As Gunners Blitz Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-3 Arsenal Premier League 20th September 2014

Arsenal bounced back from their 2-0 Dortmund defeat by comfortably outclassing Aston Villa on Saturday.

Mesut Ozil, a player who has been the subject of much criticism this season, finally produced a performance worthy of his talent with the German scoring the opener before setting up Danny Welbeck to open his own Gunners' account.

Swansea 0-1 Southampton – V For Victor: Wanyama Fires Saints To Second In Table (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-1 Southampton Premier League 20th September 2014

Ronald Koeman's superb start to life in the Premier League continued on Saturday as his side beat 10-man Swansea in Wales.

Overall, the game was a disappointing affair with neither side producing enough moments of quality.

QPR 2-2 Stoke – Kranjcar Cracker Nicks Point For Hoops At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 2-2 Stoke City Premier League 20th September 2014

A last-gasp Niko Krancjar free-kick salvaged a point for QPR against Stoke on Saturday.

The Pottersopened the scoring after just 11 minutes then Peter Crouch set up the always dangerousMame Biram Diouf and the visitors continued to threaten on the break.

Newcastle Fans Protest Hard Against Alan Pardew At St. James’ Park Before Hull City Game (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As was expected, a fair old number of Newcastle fans are protesting and protesting hard ahead of this afternoon's game againstHull City, with the Sack Pardew sloganeers out in force in and around St. James' Park...

#455773200 / gettyimages.com #455773204 / gettyimages.

Emile Heskey Silences His Critics By Quite Literally Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo On Live TV (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Emile Heskey finally silences his critics on Des Kelly's 'Follow the Football' show on BT Sports by quite literally striking a bovine's hind-quarters with a banjo...

This, of course, coming roughly one week after The Heskalumpsent his Soccer AM trickshot into the bloody car-park live on television.

Ashley Young Finally Breaks His Silence Over The Infamous ‘Bird Poo’ Incident Of 2014 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's taken him over a month to build up the courage to talk about it, but Ashley Young has finally opened up and broken his silence over the infamous "bird poo" incident that he suffered against Swansea on the opening day of the season.

The bilious anger caused byUnited getting their campaign off to a losing start at Old Trafford was quickly overshadowed when Vine clips suddenly flooded social media which appeared to show Young taking a globule of bird poo directly in the mouth.

Eden Hazard Demonstrates Fancy New Skill Moves Available In FIFA 15 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As the FIFA 15 pre-release hype continues to gather apace, here's the latest EA Sports teaser viral which sees the game's UK cover star Eden Hazard press-ganged into demonstrating the new raft of skill and flair moves available,including some nice little Zidane-esque roulettes and a Zlatan-esque hamstring-twanger of a flying backheel volley.

Southampton Send Artur Boruc Out On Loan After ‘Sick’ Titanic Joke Goes Down Like The Titanic On Twitter

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By Chris Wright

Southampton goalkeeper Artur Boruc has caused a mini-controversy on Twitter today after making a distinctly rubbish joke about The Titanic.

Boruc has since deleted the offending Tweet but, according to The Sun, the Polish 'keeper tweeted a photo of the sinking shipalong with the highly amusing comment: "Titanic be like.

Here’s FIFA President Sepp Blatter With Your Ironic Moralising Tweet Of The Week…

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By Chris Wright

Coming in the wake of the news thatFIFA ethics judgeJoachim Eckert is hoping to deliver a verdict in the ongoingWorld Cup bidding corruption case by November, Our Dear Leader has assured everything that all is well and that the good fight is continuing to be fought on our behalves.

Euro 2020: Wembley To Host Both Semi-Finals And Final Of Continent-Wide Mega Tournament

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By Chris Wright

Good news gfor those who are invested in this kind of thing: Wembley has been selected to host both the semi-finals and the final of Euro 2020 following today's UEFA ExCo (executive committee) vote in Geneva.

It was a straight choice between Wembley and the Allianz Arena for final hosting duties, with the ExCo eventually deciding in favour of the FA's prize pig.

Roma Coach Rudi Garcia Confirms Relationship With Presenter Of Club’s In-House TV Channel

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By Chris Wright

Tittle-tattle had been rife since the pair were spotted by "canoodling" (we think that's the technical term) in a restaurant earlier in the week by Italian gossip magazine Novella, but Roma coach Rudi Garcia has now taken to social mediato put the gossip hounds out of their miserybyconfirming his relationship with Francesca Brienza, the presenter of Roma TV the club's in-house television channel.

Clint Dempsey Raps His Arse Off At FIFA 15 Launch Party In New York (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the official FIFA 15 launch party in New York last night, with the game's US cover star Clint Dempsey showing his face to help keep EA Sports' little soiree ticking over.

As well as a buffet and a quick round of 'pin the tail on the donkey', Dempsey (or rather his hip-hop alter ego, Deuce) provided a bit of entertainment for the punters, with the Seattle Sounders forward taking to the stage with rapper XO to perform their new collaboration: a track called "Hot Fire".

Bastia Striker Brandao Banned For Six Months For Headbutting PSG Midfielder Thiago Motta In Tunnel

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By Chris Wright

Bastia striker Brandao has been banned for six months by theLigue de Football Professionnel(LFP) for head-butting PSG midfielder Thiago Motta during a confrontation in the tunnel after the fixture between the two sides on 16th August.

Tunnel-cam footage of the incident circulated almost immediately which clearly showedBrandao was guilty of two things: 1) head-butting Motta and then, 2) running away like a massive wimp.

Juan Roman Riquelme Scores First Goal For Argentinos Juniors With Inch-Perfect Free-Kick vs Racing Club (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

He may begetting on a bit these days, but Juan Roman Riquelme is still capable of kicking arses and taking names with the silken midfielder veteran, now 36, scoring his first competitive goal for new club Argentinos Juniors on Thursday night with an inch-perfect free-kick from a narrow angle against Racing Club.

Newcastle Choose Perfect Time To Launch Dismal New 2014/15 Third Kit (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With the team bottom of the Premier League, their fans protesting en masse and their under-fire manager accusing any and alldetractorsof succumbing to "mass hysteria", Newcastle United have chosen the perfect day to bury bad news the bad news being their new third kit.

MLS Herald Brave New Dawn By Launching Completely Underwhelming New Logo (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Having spent the last 20 years labouring under the same branding, the MLS has regenerated today,with the entire organisation getting a head-to-toe makeover as it moves into its next phase a phase which theyare rather handily referring to as their "NEXT" phase.

Ghanaian Fans Entice New Signing To Their Club By Splashing Out To Buy Him Two Plots Of Land And A New Mazda

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By Chris Wright

As you've no doubt heard, controversial Bukino Faso striker Ahmed Toure has rejoined former sideKumasi Asante Kotoko on a three-year deal after dipping out of talksto join their rivals at the 11th hour.

And, as it turns out, it would appear that a timely bundle of free gifts laid on by two of Kotoko's more well-to-do fans may have swung things in theKumasi-based club'sfavour.

Shit Football Ink: Man Utd Fan Gets Fitting Tattoo Tribute To ‘Sir Alex Feguson’…

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By Chris Wright

Here's to Sir Alex Feguson and the impossible dream...

Don't worry mate, it's not like it's permanent or anything.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer Steps Down As Cardiff City Manager After Just Nine Months In Charge

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By Chris Wright

There had been rumblings for the past few days but the Vincent Tan-shaped hammer has fallen at Cardiff City and Ole Gunnar Solksjaer is their manager no more.

Solskjaer took over followingthe grubby end to Malky Mackay's tenureat Cardiff backbut was unable to keep the club in the Premier League as mandated.

With Independence Looming, Here’s 57 Brilliant (And Timely!) Vintage Photos Of England And Scotland’s Football Rivalry

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By Chris Wright

With the big independence referendum imminent, Pies thought we'd take a timely look back at the vast schism that already exists between England and Scotland in football terms beginningwith the first ever fixture between the two countries in 1870 and ending with Gazza's audacious, mercurial tomfoolery at Euro '96.

Look Before You Leap: Coritiba Striker Joel Celebrates Goal By Accidentally Falling Down Large Hole (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coritiba striker Joel scored a couple of goals in his side's 3-1 win over Sao Paulo in the Brazilian Campeonato last night, though the forward was lucky to end the night with his lower body intact when he came a cropper in the act of celebrating his second strike of night.

Football GIF: Pep Guardiola Disgusts Himself With Terrible Pass To Juan Bernat…

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By Chris Wright

Having based his entire earthly existence on the importance of crisp, clean passing, Bayern Munich coach Pep Guardiola was visibly disgusted with himself after sending a sloppy misplaced pass wafting past intended target Juan Bernat following a stoppage in play against Man City last night.

Ready To Rumble: German Politician Challenges WWE Prospect Tim Wiese To Wrestling Bout

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By Chris Wright

Yes, we only have one photo of Tim Wiese, big whoop wanna fight about it?

He may have received an "official enquiry"from the WWE since transforming himself from Hoffenheim's goalkeeper into a 18-stone wad of luncheon meat, but it appears that Tim Wiese will have to go through a man calling himself "The Baron" before he has any chance of reaching the professional wrestling big time.

Nott’m Forest Winger Michail Antonio Scores Sweet ‘Bergkamp-Esque’ Goal vs Fulham

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By Chris Wright

In which Nottingham Forest winger Michail Antonio scores his fifth goal of the season by bringing down and tucking away an absolutely marvellous, almost "Bergkamp-esque" goal against Fulham at the City Ground last night...

Gorgeous. Non-Forest fans won't understand just how long we've been crying outfor wingers (and strikers, for that matter) who are capable of this kind of thing.

Ronaldinho Shanks Awful Penalty Into Stratosphere On Queretaro Debut (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

After signing up insearchof titles and girls, Ronaldinho made his debut for Mexican side Queretaro on Wednesday night though it proved a bit of night to forget for the Brazilian, with his new side losing 0-1 at home against Tigres UANL in the Copa MX and the man himself missing a penalty in spectacular style.

Champions League: Chelsea 1-1 Schalke – Blues Fail To Spark At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-1 Schalke Champions League Group Stage 17th September 2014

Expected to brush aside Schalke by most pundits and fans alike, Chelsea struggled to click into gear against their well-organised opponents on Wednesday night.

In-form midfielder Cesc Fabregas did open the scoring for the Blues, exchanging passes with Eden Hazrard before slotting home on 11 minutes.

Champions League: Bayern 1-0 Man City – Boateng On Target As Citizens Crash In Munich (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bayern Munich 1-0 Manchester City Champions League Group Stage 17th September 2014

Former Citizen Jerome Boateng dealt the body-blow which finally broke down a resolute Man City side in Munich on Wednesday night.

The Premier League champions were second-best for most of the game with Joe Hart keeping them level on a number of occasions.

Champions League Snapshot: Ajax Fans Mock PSG With Saucy ‘Paris Hilton’ Banner…

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By Chris Wright

As draped over the perimeter wall at the Amsterdam Arena this evening, here's Ajax fans goading opponents PSG with a saucy banner though obviously we have absolutely noidea what they're referring to....

(Photo:AP/Peter Dejong)

Ever Wondered What Aston Villa’s Entire First-Team Squad Would Look Like With Roy Keane’s Beard?

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By Chris Wright

With that in mind, here's exactly what each and every member of Aston Villa's first-team squad and staff would look like were they to be burnished with the impressive salt-and-pepper facial furniture of their assistant manager, Roy Keane...

Glad to be of service!

Football Vine: Paul Merson Reckons Arsenal Are ‘One GILLION Miles’ Away From Winning The League

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By Chris Wright

In which Sky Sports' "expert" "pundit" Paul Merson continues his one-man crusade to wrestlethe English language into submission by using his one remaining synapse to barf out his assessment of Arsenal's title credentials having watched them go down 2-0 in Dortmund last night.

Barcelona Celebrate 14th Anniversary Of Lionel Messi’s Arrival By Posting His Old Passport Photo

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By Chris Wright

To commemorate the 14th anniversary of Lionel Messi washing up on the shores of Barcelona wrapped up in swaddling in a little wicker basket with a golden halo of light around it, Barcelona have posted a scan of the forward'sfirst ever provisionalregistration card for the club including the then-13-year-old's passport photo.

Champions League: Liverpool 2-1 Ludogorets – Reds Leave It Late After Lacklustre Anfield Display (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Ludogorets Razgrad Champions League 16th September 2014

Back in the Champions League for the first time since 2009, Liverpool were expected to easily beat Bulgarian sideLudogorets Razgrad. However, instead the home side struggled to create enough good chances.

Champions League: Dortmund 2-0 Arsenal – Feeble Gunners Battered By Borussia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Borussia Dortmund 2-0 Arsenal- Champions League 16th September 2014

Arsenal produced a quite dismal performance away in Dortmund on Tuesday evening, with the Gunners lucky not to lose by far more than just two goals.

Italians strikerCiro Immobile opened the scoring on the stroke of half-time after waltzing through the Arsenal backline while Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang made it 2-0 just after the break after some more lacklustre defending from the Gunners.

Legendary RTE Pundits Eamon Dunphy & John Giles Appear In Utterly Bizarre Dairy Milk Advert (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

If there's one still that sums up this whole charade, it's got to be this one...

(Video: Balls.ie)

Jonas Gutierrez Reveals He’s Been Diagnosed With Testicular Cancer, Newcastle Unwilling To Pay For Treatment

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle United midfielder Jonas Gutierrez has been inundated with messages of support from teammates and fellow pros after publicly announcing that he has been diagnosedwith testicular cancer.

Gutierrez, who spent the second half of last season on loan at Norwich City, revealed that he is now undergoing treatment in an interview with Argentinian television station TyC Sports also revealing that Newcastle are apparently unwilling to pay for the winger's medical bills despite him still being under contract at St.

Benzema Puts Cracking Finish To Slick Pass Exchange As Real Madrid Carve Basel Apart To Score 1,000th European Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid did FC Basel a bit of a mischief in the Champions League last night, with most of the Galacticos getting on the score-sheet in a 5-1 trouncing.

Goal of the night, however, was scored by Karim Benzema with the French striker putting a sublime finishing touch to a slick back-and-forth passing exchange with Cristiano Ronaldo on the edge of the box.

Arsenal Fans Make Giant Foamy Mess In Dortmund Market Square By Tipping Bubble Bath In Fountain (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the Gooner squad in town (beep beep) to watch their side take on Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League tonight, the Arsenal fans have set up base camp inZum Alten Markt and promptly set about turning the square into a giant foam party by pouring several litres of bubble bath into the central fountain.

Thailand Women’s National Team Given Cash Bonus For Only Losing 5-0 Against South Korea

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By Chris Wright

With the Asian Games kicking off over the weekend, it would appear that the Thailand FA weren't overly optimistic about their women's side's chances at the competition especially if their financial incentive scheme is anything to go by.

Indeed, the entire Thailand squad were bestowed with aconsiderable cash bonus following their opening game against South Korea as a reward for only losing 5-0.

Cleethorpes Town Set Up Desperate Fund-Raising Campaign After Having Their Goalposts Stolen

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By Chris Wright

Bit of non-league sob storyfor you here with the news that Cleethorpes Town have been forced to ask the public for donations after having their goalposts stolen during a targeted attack on their home ground last week.

According to the Grimbsy Telegraph, thieves broke in to The Owls'Linden Homes Club ground at some point last Wednesday night/Thursday morningand stole the club's goalposts which had been taken down to be repainted.

Muscle-Bound Ex-Germany Keeper Tim Wiese Mulling ‘Official Enquiry’ From WWE

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By Chris Wright

It's hardly a well-trodden career path, but it seems that just eight months after leaving Hoffenheim and pretty much calling time on his footballing career, former Germany 'keeper Tim Wiese may be about to sign on with the WWE as a professional wrestler.

Wiese, who has been busy bulking himself up into an 18-stone colossus since putting his goalkeeping career on the back-burner, has told Bild that, while no football clubs will touch him with a barge pole, a certain Vince McMahon has been tapping him up of late.

Snapshot: Brazilian Fans Stay Behind To Help Tidy Stadium Up After Game…

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By Chris Wright

As modern World Cups go, when the tax-exempt FIFA circus rolls out of town the only lasting legacies afforded seem to a generous studding ofgigantic new stadiums being left to slowly rot as Podunk United are left to play out their games in front of 3,000 fans every week inside their cavernous new 90,000-seater white elephant.

Real Madrid Fans Protest And Kick Gareth Bale’s Car As Mardy Discontent Begins To Swell (Video & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With Real Madrid suffering back-to-back defeats against Real Sociedad and Atletico Madrid in their last two fixtures, unrest is beginning to swell among their prissy, hyper-entitled fanbase, with several players most notably Karim Benzema and (formersaint) Iker Casillas being heavily jeered during the Atletico loss.

Hull 2-2 West Ham – Summer-Signings On Target As Hammers Come Back Twice At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-2 West Ham United Premier League 15th September 2014

South American summer-signingsAbel Hernandez andEnner Valencia both got on the scoresheet at the KC Stadium on Monday night inwhat was a cracking clash.

Hull new-boy Hernandez headed the hosts into the lead just before half-time but soon after the re-start, World Cup star Valencia leveled for the Hammers.

West Ham Striker Enner Valencia Channels Tony Yeboah With Thunderous Goal vs Hull City

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By Chris Wright

First thought to pop into Pies' head after watching West Ham striker Enner Valencia send the following cruncher in off Hull City's crossbar was "Tony mother humpin' Yeboah."

There are a couple of better quality GIFs knocking around out there, but this Vine really captures the pure intensity and power of Valencia's blunderbuss of a shot.

Taste The Rainbow: Nike Cook Up Psychedelic New Third Kits For Barcelona, Juventus, Inter Milan And Man City (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Looks like someone has put something funny in the Kool-Aid at Nike Towers, with the brand's new seasonal line of boots and kits obviously taking style pointers from notes taken during some kind of three-week-long LSD binge.

To get things started, here's Nike's new boot pack for the Autumn/Winter season, with their four flagship boot lines getting a distinctly Skittles-inspired makeover.

Shit Football Kits: 1860 Munich Celebrate Oktoberfest With Incredible New ‘Lederhosen’ Strip

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By Chris Wright

With Oktoberfest just around the corner, 2. Bundesliga side 1860 Munich have launched a celebratory new home kit on their unsuspecting public complete with lederhosen-effect shorts...

For those keen on massacring your eyeballs further, 1860 are planning to debut their horrific(ly amazing) new strip againstIngolstadtto coincide with the beginning of Oktoberfest on the weekend of 20th September.

Swiss Football Shaken By Truly Disgusting Scandal After Goalkeeper’s Water Bottle Spiked With Urine

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By Chris Wright

In what Swiss newspaper Blick is rather bluntly calling a "Piss-Attacke," the fourth tier of Swiss football has been shaken by a truly disgusting "urine scandal" which cracked off during the weekend fixture between FC Muri and FC Baden.

This from Blick (you'll have to excuse the slightly patchy translation):

Later Saturday afternoon.

Long Grass, The Olympics & Notting Hill Carnival: The Top 10 Alan Pardew Excuses

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By Chris Wright

Alan Pardew is a curious creature: sly, untrustworthy, rubbery and non-stick all at once; like the ownerof acowboy roofing companysplicedwith the seedyfront-of-house Maître d' at a mob-owned back-alleycasino.

Pardew is, of course, also almost completely consumed with Alan Pardew too meaning he is able to perform astonishing feats of mental gymnastics in order to convince himself that the festering jumble sale of crap over which he currently presides is anybody's fault but his.

AC Milan ‘Keeper Diego Lopez Tweaks Hamstring During Calamitous Own-Goal Mishap (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan have this afternoon confirmed that 'keeper Diego Lopez is staring down the barrel of a two-week injury lay-off after twanging his hamstring in the process of conceding a calamitous own-goal during the 89th minute of the Rossoneri's 4-5 away victory over Parma on Sunday evening.

Granada Defender Allan Nyom Recreates Famous FIFA ’94 Glitch By Running Away From Referee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Perhaps "famous" isn't the right word, but Pies can distinctly remember that it was possible to delayreceiving a yellow card from the referee while playingFIFA '94 if you merely sprinted away from the jobsworth official as he chased you around the pitch.

Sulky Arse: Nicolas Anelka Joins Mumbai City, Issues Truly Awe-Inspiring Battle Cry

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By Chris Wright

"Pah, I care not for your peasant sport"

Having left West Brom under something of an anti-semitic cloud back in March, Nicolas Anelka has finally found himself fresh employment having signed a short-term deal to join Mumbai City FC in the new Indian Super League until the short league season ends at Christmas.

Thomas Vermaelen Gets Himself Into A Bit Of A Pickle While Driving Into Barcelona’s Car Park (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In which Barcelona new boy Thomas Vermaelen suffers a few teething problems while trying to navigate his big, chunkyAudi through the tight entrance at Barca's training ground.

Thankfully for the Belgian defender, there was a large crowd of people present to cackle at him while he attempted a ten-point turn to rectify the situation.

Retro Football: Velez Sarsfield ‘Keeper Jose Luis Chilavert Scores Free-Kick From Inside His Own Half, 1996 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What with Sao Paulo 'keeper Rogerio Ceni managing the utterly outrageous feat of scoring his 120th career goal on Sunday, Pies' thoughts inescapably turned to another stalwart of the South American free-kick specialist goalkeeper scene: one Jose Luis Chilavert.

Rio Ferdinand Lashes Out At David Moyes’ ‘Embarrassing And Amateurish’ Tactics At Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

In case you weren't aware, Rio Ferdinand has a book coming out(of course it has a bloody hashtag in the title) which is being serialised in The Sun at the moment, with a couple ofthe more inflammatory passages making their way onto the back pages of the newspapers.

Sao Paulo Goalkeeper Rogerio Ceni Scores 120th Career Goal With Penalty Against Cruzeiro

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By Chris Wright

Sao Paulo beat Cruzeiro 2-0 as the top two sides met in the Brazilian Campeonato on Sunday evening, with a familiar name gracing the score-sheet once again that of veteran goalkeeper Rogerio Ceni, who stuck awayhis 120th career goal having opened the scoring with a 36th-minute penalty.

Crystal Palace 0-0 Burnley – Speroni Saves Point For Eagles In Clarets’ Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 0-0 Burnley Premier League 13th September 2014

Burnley secured another clean sheet back in the top-flight after a good display at Selhurst Park. However, it could've been so much better for the Clarets, only for Scott Airfield to see his late spot-kick saved by Julian Speroni.

Stoke 0-1 Leicester – Ulloa Strikes Again As Foxes Bag First Win Back In Top-Flight (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-1 Leicester City Premier League 13th September 2014

Another goal from ex-Brighton hitman Leonardo Ulloa gave Leicester their first win of the new season at the Britannia Stadium.

Stoke were the better side for long periods of the game but Peter Crouch missed a great chance to opening the scoring for the hosts.

Football Vine: Milan’s French Forward Jermeny Menez Scores Outrageous Back-Heeled Goal

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By Alan Duffy

French international Jeremy Menez is an inconsistent sod, but there#s no doubting his talent. And for Milan against Parma on Sunday night, the former PSG man netted an utterly incredible goal, which was his second of the game.

After pushing the ball 'round the Parm 'keeper, Menez, who was playing in a false nine role for the Serie A giants, chipped the ball into the goal courtesy of a perfectly executed back-hell.

Man Utd 4-0 QPR – Van Gaal’s Glamour Boys Have Rickety Rangers Jumping Through Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 4-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 14th September 2014

Louis van Gaal's new star-studded United side strolled to victory against QPR on Sunday, with Angel Di Maria outstanding throughout.

The Argentinian opened the scoring on 24 minutes (with an in-swinging free-kick) against a QPR side devoid of organisation.

West Brom 0-2 Everton – Toffees Secure First Win After Stroll At Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Everton Premier League 13th September 2014

After a rocky start to the new season, Everton finally secured a victory in their fourth game of the campaign. The Toffees were good value for their victory against a rather lacklustre west Brom side who themselves have started badly.

Sunderland 2-2 Tottenham – Kane Commits Harry-Kari At Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 13th September 2014

A late Harry Kane own-goal denied Tottenham what would have been a deserved win at the Stadium of Light. The striker heading into his own net `on 82 minutes to level the scores at 2-2 and give the Black Cats a share of the points.

Liverpool 0-1 Aston Villa – Agbonlahor Fires Villans To Victory Against Blunt Reds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-1 Aston Villa Premier League 13th September 2014

With Daniel Sturridge out injured and Raheem Sterling on the bench, a new-look Liverpool side struggled badly at home to Aston Villa on Saturday, with the Villans securing a fine win.

Southampton 4-0 Newcastle – Saints Soar As Pressure Mounts On Pardew (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 4-0 Newcastle United Premier League 13th September 2014

After the summer's exodus of players from St. Mary's, many predicted the demise of Southampton as a top-half Premier League side. However, under the stewardship of Ronald Koeman, the Saints look well capable of another good season in the top flight.

Chelsea 4-2 Swansea City – Costa Nets Hat-Trick As Blues Keep Winning (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 4-2 Swansea City Premier League 13th September 2014

Diego Costa's superb start to the season continued at Stamford Bridge on Saturday, with the Spanish international bagging a hat-trick against the Swans. Those three goals take his tally for the season to an incredible seven after just four games, but the Blues had to work hard for the win.

FC Dallas Striker Blas Perez Scores From Ridiculously Tight Angle vs Vancouver Whitecaps (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which FC Dallas striker Blas Perez opens the scoring against Vancouver Whitecaps with a perfectly judged long-range lob from a ridiculously tight angle that in no way, shape or form was just a big, ballooning, lucky, blindly humped hit-and-hope desperationballinto the penalty area.

Heroically Slapstick Own-Goal Settles Iranian Premier League Match (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Tractor Sazi trounced Rah Ahan 4-1 in the Iranian first divisionon Friday evening, with Rah Ahan defenderMohsen Irannejad compounding his side's misery by rounding off Tractor's scoring by tucking away this peach of an own-goal in the 82nd minute (skip to the 5:50 mark).

Arsenal 2-2 Man City – Wilshere Shines In Heavyweight Emirates Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-2 Manchester City Premier League 13th September 2014

These two heavyweights produced a superb encounter in Saturday's early game, with an end-to-end game producing four goals and a whole load of talking points.

Despite seeing the hosts start the better it was City who took the lead on 28 minutes after great play from Jesus Navas, Prior to that goal Danny Welbeck, on his Gunners' debut, hit the post after chipping Joe Hart.

Arsenal Defender Laurent Koscielny Is Amusingly Rubbish At This Diving Malarkey

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By Chris Wright

To call this dive from Arsenal centre-half Laurent Koscielny "blatant" is to do a gross disservice to all things blatant...

Come on Laurent, nobody's buying that!

If you're truly going to mix it in the elite strata of divers then you're going to have to seriously knuckle down, mon ami.

Felipe Melo Banned For Two Games After (Sort Of) Telling Fenerbahce’s Club President To ‘Eat His Balls’

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By Chris Wright

Felipe Melo has received an internal two-game ban from Galatasaray after sort of inviting the president of a rival clubtocomeand "eat his balls" or something along those lines.

Melo has incurred the wrath of his higher-ups after retweeting a Tweet which read thus:

"@ArenAslani: We're with you Galatasaray, Melo!

‘To Win Titles And Girls!’ – Ronaldinho Reveals The Reasons He Joined Mexican Side Queretaro

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By Chris Wright

After snubbingBasingstoke FC's recent attempts to entice him to theVanarama Conference South, Ronaldinho joined Mexican clubPuebla Queretaro last Friday signing a two-year deal at the Liga MX side.

After being officially unveiled as a Queretaro player on Friday, many Mexican journalists and sports analysts have been quick to remind fans of the Brazilian World Cup-winners infamous "party boy" lifestyle (whatever could they mean?

Snapshot: Daily Mail Prints Telling Photo Of Surviving Man Utd Squad Members From Moyes Era…..

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By Alan Duffy

Admittedly calling it the 'Moyes Era' rather adds a gravitas to that one season which it probablydoesn't deserve. However, the Daily Mail have produced this interesting photo which highlights the members of Moyes' initial United squad a year ago.

What a culling there has been since then with Louis Van Gaal overseeing massive changes which, to be fair, were well needed.

Shit Kits: Sampdoria Unveil New Home Shirt Sponsor – Sin City 3D: A Dame To Kill For

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By Chris Wright

Good of Roger Federer to volunteer formodellingduties

Sampdoria have announced that the club's shirts are to bear an exciting, dynamic new sponsor for their next three Serie A fixtures Sin City 3D: A Dame To Kill For, the new 'Sin City' sequel starring Mickey Rourke and Eva Green.

Pele Unveils New Football Pitch In Brazilian Favela Which Uses Players’ Energy To Produce Electricity (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Brazilian football icon Pele has helped unveil a brand new artificial football pitch in oneRio de Janeiro's poorest neighbourhoods which can harness the energy produced by players' movement in order to generate electricity.

Fundedby theShell oil company, the newly-refurbished pitch in Rio'sMorro da Mineira favela now uses 200 kinetic tiles to harness energy produced the players moving around on top of it as well as using solar panels to power six of its own LED floodlight to keep the arena safely and economicallyilluminated into the evening.

Swansea Boss Garry Monk Named Manager Of The Month, Chelsea’s Diego Costa Lands Player Trinket (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Congratulations to Swansea manager Garry Monk who has picked up the firstPremier League Manager of the Month award for the 2014/15 season for picking up three wins from his first three games in August having registered stylish victories over Manchester United, Burnley and West Brom so far.

Ajax Keeper Jasper Cillessen Steals Scene, Scores Majestic Diving Header In Background (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, while Ajax youngster Anwar El Ghazi is awarded with the club's Goal of the Month trophy for August, goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen steals the show by scoring September's Goal of the Month in the background with a majestic, floating diving header...

(Video: Ajax)

Getafe Block Pedro Leon Leaving After Claiming No Offers Came In For Him, Player Posts €1m Bid From Hannover 96 On Twitter (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Getafe have got themselves into a bit of a state over in La Liga, with the club hit with a transfer embargoand unable to pay their existing players' wages after being stung for violating FFP regulations.

Pedro Leon is one of those players, with the former Real Madrid prodigy desperate to leave Getafe as quickly as the 27-year-old wingercurrently can't be included in any matchday squads as his salary breaks the club's imposed wage limits.

Mexican Side Puebla FC Train Wearing Wolf Masks To Instil ‘Doggish’ Mentality (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to instil a "doggish" spirit in his defenders, the coach of Mexican side Puebla FC,Jose Luis Sola, has his boys limber up and perform ball recovery drills while wearing cardboard wolf masks.

Sola insists that the ploy inspires a "pack mentality" to develop among his players who are also told to follow the mantra: "I have to go for every ball, I'm a dog, I have fight it, steal it and defend it.

‘When I Say Something, I Mean It’ – Hull City Owner Assem Allam Vows To Give Club Away For Free If Buyer Can’t Be Found

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By Chris Wright

"Bye bitches!"

Like an old three-piece suite he's desperate to get shot of, Hull City owner Assem Allem has vowed that he is effectively prepared to stick the club on Gumtree and flog it for nothing if a suitable buyer can't be found in the near future.

Man Utd’s Anders Lindegaard Posts Amusing ‘Intimate’ Instagram Photo Involving Rio Ferdinand

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By Alan Duffy

Fair dues to Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard who popped this beauty on his Instagram account.

Ahead of QPR's visit to Old Trafford this weekend, the United no. 2 'keeper posted a photo of himself getting rather friendly with Rio Ferdinand, now of QPR.

Snapshot: Napoli’s New 2014/15 Away Kit Is Made Entirely From Denim…

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By Chris Wright

Napoli have got round to unveiling their new 2014/15 awaykit today and, as you may be able to tell from these photos, it's made from denim...

Bet that thing is super comfortable to play in.

Anyway, nice try fellas but Olympique Marseille got therefirst.

Jose Mourinho Trolls Pep Guardiola About His Lack Of Follicular Fortitude With Zingy ‘Hair Loss’ One Liner

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By Chris Wright

"Bald much? LOLOLOLOL"

Whether he actually said it or not is up for debate, but Spanish paper El Confidencial(via Bild) are attributing azinger of a quote to Jose Mourinho, who has apparentlykept his ongoing feud witharch-nemesis Pep Guardiola simmering away nicely with a typically Mourinho-esque troll-heavy one-liner about the Bayern Munich coach's lack of follicular fecundity.

FIFA 15 Is Ridiculously Realistic: Catalan Independence Chant Sung During 17th Minute Of Every Barcelona Game At Camp Nou (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In there endless quest for realism, EA Sports have gone to extreme lengths to capture all the subtle nuances that make up this strange game we all love so much and cram them inside the new FIFA 15 game like so many digitally-rendered anchovies in...err...sorry, we can't think of any way to finish that one.

Special Permission Granted For First ‘Messi’ Baby To Be Named In Argentina, Very Much Likely To Be The Last

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By Chris Wright

Followinga legal wrangle that lasted nearly two weeks, the very first baby to be named "Messi" has been baptised in Argentina, though he's also almost certainly going to be the last too.

After having to seek special dispensation from the local registry, Hector Varela fromthe southern city ofGeneral Roca has now received permission and been able to formally baptise his son as Messi Daniel Varela.

Tom Cleverley’s Premier League Twitter Q&A Went About As Well As You’d Expect

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By Chris Wright

Because their social media department is still operating under the illusion that it's 2008, the Premier League's official Twitter account ran a Q&A session with new Aston Villa signing Tom Cleverley yesterday.

ON THE SPOT Got any questions for @AVFCOfficial's new midfielder Tom Cleverley?

Snapshot: Alex Song Throws Together An Outfit For West Ham Training…

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By Chris Wright

Crikey O'Riley! This is the outfitAlex Songthrew onto wear to West Ham training today...

PIC: Alex Song stepped out in style at Chadwell Heath today, the day after celebrating his 27th birthday! #COYI pic.twitter.

Tottenham May Be Forced To Leave White Hart Lane For One Season Over New Stadium Concerns

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham may be forced to leave White Hart Lane and play elsewhere for a season due to ongoing concerns over the club's plans to build themselves a new stadium.

While Spurs have successfully navigatedtheir way past a peskycompulsory purchase with the government which allows them to begin work on anew 56,250-seater stadium on a three-hectare site right next to White Hart Lane, the club are still locked in negotiations with one local land owner negotiations that have now been going on for seven long years which have completely scuppered their construction programme.

Former Tottenham And Fulham Winger Simon Davies Joins Hometown Sunday League Club (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Come Sunday morning, Solva FC will be able to call upon one hell of ringer after former Wales international captainSimon Davies was officially announced as theWelsh Sunday League side's marquee signing on Tuesday.

Having retired from the professional game in 2013 following successful stints in the Premier League with Fulham, Everton and Tottenham, Davies moved home and has since been coerced into joining his hometown of Solva in Pembrokeshire.

Sevilla Players Given Their Weight In Beer As Reward For Winning Europa League (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

As a reward for winning the Europa League last season, with each victorious member of Sevilla's squad have been gifted with their bodyweight in beer courtesy of club sponsors Cruzcampo.

Appearing at a special ceremony, one by one each Sevilla squad member (as well as the technical staff) made their way onto the scales, had their weights taken and were then bestowed with the requisite amount of free cerveza.

17 Mud-Splattered Photos Of Truly Appalling Football Pitches

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By Chris Wright

With Gareth Bale gripingthat Andorra's dodgy rubber crumb was"by far the worst pitch" he's ever played on after Wales 1-2 Euro 2016 qualifying victory, we thought we'd one-up the mollycoddled Welsh whinger and bring you a clutch of photos of some truly appalling pitches from down through the years.

Snapshot: This Is How Phil Neville Spent The International Break…

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By Chris Wright

The synapse-mummifyingtedium of the international break gets to us all, though it affects some more acutely than others.

With that in mind, spare a thought for poor old Phil Neville, who has obviously gone stark raving bananas with boredom at least if his latest Instagram post is anything to go by.

Football Vine: Irrefutable Evidence That Gareth Bale Is Slowly Morphing Into Cristiano Ronaldo

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By Chris Wright

He's already nickedhis free-kick technique, his hair-cut, his employers and his ridiculously hewn physiquein recent times, but now Gareth Bale has even half-inched Cristiano Ronaldo's trademark goal celebration after scoring his first goal for Wales against Andorra last night with a budget version of Ronaldo's leap.

Football Vine: Brazil’s Golden Child Neymar Misses Gaping Open-Goal Sitter vs Ecuador

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By Chris Wright

HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHA.

Euro 2016: Unsuspecting Linesman Poleaxed By Substitute During Kazakhstan vs Latvia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that we expected much in the first place, but Kazakhstan and Latvia toiled their way to athoroughlyunspectacular 0-0 draw in their opening Euro 2016 qualifying fixture in Astana on Tuesday evening, with the game providing little in the way of anything.

Euro 2016: Andorra 1-2 Wales – Galactico Gareth Bales Welsh Out After Flirt With Disaster In Pyrenees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Andorra 1-2 Wales Euro 2016 9th September 2014

On a bumpy artificial pitch (full of rubber pellets) inAndorra la Vella, Wales came within a whisker of suffering a pretty disastrous result against one of Europe's perennial minnows.

With just six minutes of the game gone, Chris Coleman's side were a goal down after Neil Taylor's shirt-pull in the box lead to a penalty for the hosts.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jokes He Should Be ‘Banned For 40 Games’ After Being Accused Of Elbowing David Alaba

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By Chris Wright

Ever the caddish rapscallion, Zlatan Ibrahimovic has joked that he deserves to be banned for 40 matches after David Alaba ran face-first into his elbow during the early knockings of Sweden's 1-1 Euro 2016 qualifier draw with Austria on Monday evening.

In closing Ibrahimovicdown from behind, Alaba was caught in the face by the Swedish striker'smighty pointy bitand sent sprawling to the deck though whether the collision was intentional on Zlatan's part is very much doubtful.

Daniel Agger Does A ‘Zlatan’, Pays For Danish Homeless Team To Fly Out To World Cup

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By Chris Wright

Three cheers for Daniel Agger, who has once again proved that almost all Scandinavians are awesome by stumping up the cash to send the Danish homeless national side to the Homeless World Cup in Chile.

The eight members of the Danish side were 20,000 krone (around £2,100) short of the required funds to get themselves to Santiago for the tournament, with Agger hearing of their struggles and agreeing to top up their kitty from his own pocket.

‘He Lied To Me, He Lied To His Teammates’ – Roma President Derides ‘Poisonous’ Mehdi Benatia As Postpartum Sniping Continues

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By Chris Wright

After joining Bayern Munich on a five-year deal a couple ofweeks ago, both Mehdi Benatia and his former employers, Roma, have been at each other's throats with sly remarks flying back and forth between the two parties.

It all kicked off again on Monday when Benatia claimed in an interview withGerman magazine Kicker that he was disappointed atRoma for selling him after he told the club he wanted to stay.

Ever Wondered What Swansea Boss Garry Monk Would Look Like As Harry Potter? Gazzetta Dello Sport Are Here To Help… (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

If you've ever lost days just wondering what Swansea boss Garry Monk would look like dressed as Harry Potter then wonder no longer; Gazzetta dello Sport are here to help!

On the cover ofthe Italian paper's Euro supplement, Gazzetta have mocked up Monk as Potter declaring he, Willy Sagnol, Rui Vitoria and Roger Schmidt to beEuropean football's "New Wizards"as part of a feature on this season'sflock of young"surprise package" managers.

Retro Football: The Very First, Hand-Drawn Football League Season Table, 1888/89 (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As per bloody usual, Pies are a day late on the uptake here but on this very (yester)day in 1888, the first ever Football League season came to a conclusion.

The final, hand-drawn Football League tablelooked a little something like this, with Preston North Endending the 132-game campaigntop of the pile, Aston Villa and Wolves making up the top three respectively andStoke bringing up the rear.

Mario Balotelli Records Special Motivational Message For All Kids Going Back To School (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When you sign Mario Balotelli you don't just get a semi-reliable striker; you also get a confidante, a shoulder to cry on and an ambassador for school kids everywhere.

As posted to his Instagram account, Balotelli has delivered a special motivational message for all the kiddiwinks traipsing back to school after six weeks spent throwing stones at dogs, cyber-bullying and loitering outside libraries (or whatever kids do in their spare time these days).

Football Vine: Adrian Chiles And His ITV Pundits Soaked By ‘Faulty’ Swiss Sprinkler

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By Chris Wright

The official line is that the sprinkler system malfunctioned at an inopportune time, but we'd just like to echo the sentiments of Vine creator Ben Roach and offer a humble doff of our caps to the groundsman who gave Adrian Chiles and his ITV punditry cronies a good old fashioned pitchside soaking at St Jakob-Park last night.

Football GIF: Shameful Simulation From ‘Baekho’, South Korea’s Tiger Mascot

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By Chris Wright

In which South Korea's white tiger mascot Baekho indulges in some truly shameful simulationin a bid to eke some sympathy out of the referee against Uruguay last night.

That said, he obviouslyfelt contact so therefore he's entitled to go down, Clive.

Euro 2016: Switzerland 0-2 England – Danny On The Double As Three Lions Roar In Basel (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Switzerland 0-2 England Euro 2016 Qualifiers 8th September 2014

A brace from Danny Welbeck secured a superb win for England in Switzerland. The results already puts the Three Lions in the driving seat for a place in the Euro 2016 finals and overall it was a far more positive performance than the 1-0 win against Norway.

Football Vine: No-One Touches The Zlatan! Ibrahimovic Irked By Touchy Feely Austrian Opponent

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By Alan Duffy

The mighty Zlatan never fails to give us memorable moments, be they acts of great skill or acts of greater..... self-confidence. Here, during Sweden's 1-1 draw away in Austria, the great man doesn't take too kindly to being (very very lightly) manhandled by sub Rubin Okotie.

Sepp Blatter Announces FIFA Plan To Trial Use Of TV Referral System During Football Matches

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By Chris Wright

Speaking via video link at the Soccerex conference in Manchester earlier today, football's dear leader Sepp Blatter firstannounced his intention to run (unopposed, more than likely) for a fifth term as FIFA president as "his mission is not finished" insert your own punchline here.

Celtic Midfielder Beram Kayal Has Named His First Born Son ‘Pirlo’

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By Chris Wright

Many congrats to Celtic midfielder Beram Kayal and his wife Angela who have today welcomed their first-born child into the world.

Many, many more congrats to Celtic midfielder Beram Kayal and his wife Angela on their immaculate choice of name...

Today I have been graced with the birth of my first child Pirlo kayal.

‘Serious Breach Of Discipline’ – Maicon Dropped From Brazil Squad For Playing Frankly Disgusting Prank On Selecao Teammate

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By Chris Wright

As you may or may not be aware, Maicon was dropped from the Brazil squad and sent home earlier this morning,with the official line being that the full-back had been axed for a "serious breach of discipline".

It has since emerged just what the aforementioned "serious breach" entailed and, frankly, it's really rather disgusting.

Valencia Defender Pulls Off Acrobatic Goal-Line Clearance With Astounding Vertical Leap (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

It's taken over a year for this clip to start doing the viral rounds, but rest assured that time has not diminished the acrobatic beauty of Tano Bonnin's unbelievable goal-line clearance for Valencia's Bside againstCE L'Hospitalet in January of 2013...

GIF version.

This Just Might Be The Most American Goal Celebration Of All Time! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having sneaked snucked sneakled snacked snuck in around the back to nod in New England Revolution's equaliser against Chicago Fire, 19-year-old Uruguayan midfielder Diego Fagundez celebrated with what might just be the most American goal celebration of all time:a hail of musket fire from three strategically-placed Minutemen.

Football Vine: James Morrison & Christoph Kramer Settle Free-Kick Dispute With Quick Game Of ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’

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By Chris Wright

During Germany's 2-1 Euro 2016 qualifier win over Scotland on Sunday eve, James Morrison and Christoph Kramer (he of "long range nutmeg" fame) went old school in their bid to ascertainwhich side would retain possession following an injury to Marco Reus.

Snapshot: Handy Graphic Displays ‘Day Jobs’ Of Gibraltar Starting XI For Euro 2016 Qualifier vs Poland…

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By Chris Wright

It's our sad duty to report that Gibraltar, UEFA's newest member country, lost 7-0 to Poland in their maiden Euro 2012 qualifier last night, though that shouldn't come as much of a surprise when you factor in that Robert Lewandowski et al were tasked with scoring against a back five that included a shipping agent, a policeman and a warehouse storeman.

Euro 2016: Germany 2-1 Scotland – Muller Bags Brace But Scots Push World Champions All The Way (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Germany 2-1 Scotland Euro 2016 Qualifiers 7th September 2014

Thomas Muller netted a brace to give world champions Germany a hard-fought win against Scotland, although Gordon Strachan and co. will be buoyed by a courageous display in Dortmund.

Euro 2016: Hungary 1-2 Northern Ireland – Late Late Show Nets Irish Rare Away Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hungary 1-2 Northern Ireland Euro 2016 Qualifying 7th September 2014

While Martin O'Neill's Republic of Ireland were securing a 2-1 win away in Georgia, Michael O'Neill's Northern Irish side were themselves battling their way to a precious 2-1 victory in Hungary.

Euro 2016: McGeady Brace Gets Boys In Green Off To Winning Start In Georgia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Georgia 1-2 Republic of Ireland Euro 2016 Qualifiers 7th August 2014

Everton's Aiden McGeady was the hero for Martin O'Neill's Irish side in Georgia on Sunday, with the Everton winger netting a match-winning brace.

McGeady's opener, on 23 minutes, was the first goal of the whole Euro 2016 tournament but the hosts were soon level, courtesy of a superb solo effort fromTornike Okriashvili which left Ireland goalie David Forde helpless.

Football Vines: Aiden McGeady Scores 1st Goal Of Euro 2016 Before Georgia Equalise With Stunning Strike

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By Alan Duffy

Everton winger Aiden McGeady netted the first goal of the Euro 2016 qualifying campaign courtesy of a nicely worked goal in Georgia. Here it is (not great quality I must admit!)...

However, soon after the hosts were level courtesy of this superb effort fromTornike Okriashvioli which left David forde flat-footed in the Irish goal.

Bayern Munich Donate 255 Allianz Arena Seats To Macedonian School To Help Upgrade Their Football Pitch (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Cracking little Sunday morning feelgood story here, with the news that Bayern Munich have answered a cry for help from a Macedonian school in their continuing attempts to provide adequate football facilities for their pupils.

Writing on behalf of the school in Dollogozha, Bayern's worldwide fanclub politely requested that the Bavarian club donate 100 of the removed seats that were replaced during this summer's modernisation of the South Stand at the Allianz Arena.

Clever Man Utd Fans Create Poster Lauding Ed Woodward’s Ascent From Transfer-Fumbling Zero To Big Spending Hero

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By Alan Duffy

This time last season, or indeed this time a couple of months ago, Manchester United chief executive Ed Woodward was the subject of much derision and anger from fans of the club frustrated at his apparent ineptitude in the transfer market.

Woodward's lack of decisiveness along with his big-money signing of Marouane Fellaini didn't do Man Utd's last boss David Moyes any favours ahead of the 2013/14 season.

Gervinho Nets Superb Solo Winner As Ivory Coast Come Back To Beat Sierra Leone 2-1 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Gervinho has blossomed again since leaving Arsenal a couple of seasons ago, with the dome-headed attacker superb for Roma in Serie A and also providing a potent cutting edge up front for Ivory Coast.

In a key Africa Cup of Nations clash with Sierra Leone , the forward inspired the Elephants to a 2-1 home win after initially going 1-0 down.

‘I Tore The Letter Up’ – Angel Di Maria Claims Real Madrid Wrote To Argentina Demanding He Didn’t Play In The World Cup Final

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By Chris Wright

Angel Di Maria's departure from Real Madrid hasn't proven to be the cleanest of breaks, with the player caught in a continuing tit-for-tat sniping war with the Spanish club's president Florentino Perez.

Coming afterPerezrecently declaredhe only allowed Di Maria to leave for Manchester United due to his greedy wage demands, the 26-year-old winger has responded claiming Perez sent a letter to the Argentina World Cup camp on the morning of the final, forbidding Di Mariato play.

Football Vine: Emile Heskey’s Definitely Still Got It!

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By Chris Wright

Appearing on Soccer AM this morning and tasked with knocking a ball through any one of five holes, Emile Heskey delivered the goods in trademark style...

Yup, he's definitely still got it.

'It' being an almost pathological inability to hit the target, of course.

Colorado Rapids ‘Keeper Joe Nasco Takes Just 34 Seconds To Pick Up Fastest Red Card In MLS History (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hats off to Colorado Rapids 'keeper Joe Nasco, who last night sealed his immortality in the quickest and easiest way possible by becoming the proud owner of the all-time MLS record for the fastest ever sending-off by taking less than a minute to get himself ejected from Friday evening's game against LA Galaxy.

Football GIF: Neymar Just Keeps Rolling, And Rolling, And Rolling, And Rolling…

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By Chris Wright

Neymar once again came in for some seriously "rough" treatment during Friday evening'sfriendly against Colombia in Miami, withBrazilian football's most precious-est princess in the whole wide world being battered from pillar to post by horrible jealous bigoted defenders who just refused to let him be his fabulous brilliant self all night.

Austrian Player Given Enormous 70-Game Ban For Headbutting Referee, Claims He ‘Slipped’

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By Chris Wright

A player in the Austrian fifth tier who physically assaulted a referee after having already been sent off has been hit with a humongous ban one of, if not the longest ever administered in football history.

With his team leading 3-2 at the time, SK RummidfielderIsmail Gunduz picked up a second yellow card during the 86th minute of his recent Landesliga West fixture against SPLG Innsbruck and promptly went ape-shit,headbutting the referee in the face and splittinghislip wide open.

Black-And-White Snapshot: Construction Begins On The Towers At Wembley Stadium, 1923 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With Wembley stadium or at least the new incarnation of it taking an awful lot of flak over the course of the week after a record low crowd turned out for England's dull-as-ditchwater friendly against Norway, we thought it'd be nice to remind ourselves of the damned thing's origins.

Competition: WIN! Pair Of Super Slick Warrior Superheat Football Boots

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By Chris Wright

Oi you! Yeah, you! Want to win yourself a pair of slick, aerodynamic Warrior Superheat football boots in their brand new black/red colourway? Of course you do!

The Superheat is extremely lightweight and purpose built for touch and speed,which should have you tear-arsing aroundlike a whippet for your Sunday League side in no time.

Stoke City Keeper Asmir Begovic Now Proud Holder Of Guinness World Record For ‘Longest Goal Ever Scored’

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By Chris Wright

It's taken a while, but Stoke City goalkeeper Asmir Begovic is now officially the proud holder of the Guinness World Record for the "longest goal scored in football" after cracking one in from inside his own penalty box against Southampton last season.

Having been verified by the diligent folks at Guinness,Begovic'sgoal was measured at a stonking great distance of 91.

West Ham’s Alex Song & Ravel Morrison Combine To Score Ridiculously Fancy Goal vs Ipswich (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With actual football in stasis due to this confounded international break, West Ham passed the time by inviting an Ipswich XI round to the Boleyn for a kick-about yesterday.

The Hammers went to town, whupping their Championship guests5-1, with an unexpected outburst of"watchable football" even breaking out at one point.

Arsenal Join Up With Stonewall and Paddy Power For Superb ‘Rainbow Laces’ Campaign Promo

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By Alan Duffy

As someone who worked with The Justin Campaign and then the Football v Homophobia campaign years ago, it's heartening to see football finally taking the issues of homophobia, biophobia and transphobia seriously.

The 'Rainbow Laces' campaign is back again this year courtesy of Stonewall and Paddy Power, with players wearing the multi-coloured laces in their matches on the weekend of the 13th and 14th of September.

13-Year-Old Cancer Suffering Villarreal Fan Plays And Scores In Friendly Against Celtic (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There was a surprise call-up into the Villarreal squad for last night's friendly against Celtic at El Madrigal, with coachMarcelino Garcia Toral bringing 13-year-old fan Gohan into his starting line-up.

Gohan, who sadly suffers from an aggressive form of cancer, was allowed to fulfil a lifelong dream of playing and scoring for his beloved Amarillo after the club promised his nurses to help make his dream come true.

Malta Line Up For National Anthem As ‘Numb’ By Linkin Park Blasts Over Stadium Speakers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the Maltese national side lining up to observe their national anthem before Thursday night's friendly against Slovakia, the DJ at theTa' Qali National Stadium obviously got his tape cassettes mixed up and instead blasted 'Numb' by Linkin Park over the stadium speakers much to the amusement (and bemusement) of everybody present.

Ugandan Couple Have Man Utd-Themed Wedding, Although Groom Rather More Enthusiastic Than Bride (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

I don't see this one lasting even as long David Moyes did

A couple in Uganda epitomised the global reach of Premier League football by having a Manchester United-themed wedding, although it seems from the photos that it was the groom rather than the bride who was behind the idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Bags Record-Breaking 50th International Goal Courtesy Of Typically Snazzy Backheel (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The great Zlatan finally secured the all-time goal-scoring record for Sweden on Thursday night, bagging a brace in a friendly against Estonia.

There were question marks over whether his first of the night (his 49th for Sweden) actually crossed the line at all but his second was, unsurprisingly, a snazzy effort with the big man back-heeling the back into the Estonian net.

Non-League Bungay Town Attempt To Draw Fans By Giving Away Free Mushrooms

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By Chris Wright

These are mushrooms, in case you were wondering

With "Non-League Day" looming this weekend,Suffolk-based non-league side Bungay Town are hoping to bring in some extra fans for their home tie against Martham by plying supporters with a free gift.

Basingstoke Town Launch Ambitious Bid To Lure Ronaldinho To The Vanarama Conference South

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By Chris Wright

Hat's off to Basingstoke Town, who are daring to dream big in their (so far unsuccesful) attempts to lure Ronaldinho to the bright lights of the Vanarama Conference South.

According totheBasingstoke Gazzette,representatives from Town have been in contact with Ronaldinho's brother and agent, Roberto De Assis, and offered him a contract, with flights and accommodation included as part of the deal.

PSG Launch New Line Of Crisps And Snacks With An Actual ‘Yohan Kebab’ Flavour! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted by the diligent folks at Le Parisien, PSG have launched a brand new range of crisps and savoury snacks which feature Zlatan Ibrahimovic and the lads gurning away on the packaging...

Le PSG lance sa gamme apéritif.

‘Great British Bake Off’ Absolutely Trounces England’s Friendly Against Norway In TV Ratings

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By Chris Wright

The moment Wayne Rooney found out it was pie week on the Bake Off

With a record seven-year low attendance at Wembley already well publicised, the stupefyingly mawkish spectacle that was England's friendly against Norway suffered yet more ignominy by being resolutely trounced in last night's television ratings by an hour of plummy folksapplying egg-washes to various pastries.

Black-And-White Snapshot: 17-Year-Old Francesco Totti Scores His First Goal For Roma, 1994 (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

20 years ago to this very day (September 4th, 1994), a 17-year-old Francesco Totti scored the very first of his 235 Serie A goals for Roma by latching onto a knock-down from Daniel "The Beaver" Fonseca and walloping a shot into the bottom corner to open the scoring for theGiallorossi in a 1-1 draw against Foggia at the Stadio Olimpico.

Alvaro Negredo Booed By Fans At Valencia Presentation For Not Kissing The Badge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having joined on a season-long loan on deadline day, Valencia did the done thing and unveiled Alavaro Negredo to12,000 of their fans at the Mestalla on Tuesday evening.

According to the Independent, things were going swimmingly right up until the point that Negredo was asked by the fans to kiss the badge of his new club.

Hungarian Cup Snoozefest Serves Up Dullest Passage Of Play Ever Captured On Film (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For those of you still desperately trying to joltyourselves out of the catatonic boredom stupor England sent you into last night, we suggest that you don't watch this two-minute passage of playfrom the early knockings of Wednesday evening's Hungarian cupgame between Paksi SE and Ferencvaros it may result in a complete loss of your mental faculties.

Ex-Heerenveen Striker Alfred Finnbogason Faints On Stage While Picking Up Eredivisie Top Scorer Award (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having left Heerenveen to join Real Sociedad in July, Icelandic striker Alfred Finnbogason travelled back to the Netherlandsearlier in the week to pick up his award for finishing up as the top goalscorer in the Eredivisie last season.

However, while picking up his prize from previous two-time recipient Ruud van Nistelrooy, it all got a bit too much for a visibly overwhelmed Finnbogason, who promptly wobbled a bit before fainting on stage.

Football GIF: Nicklas Bendtner At His Predatory Best vs Turkey

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By Chris Wright

Looks like seven months out of the game haven't dulled Nicklas Bendtner's predatory instincts in front of goal, with the Danish striker giving the home crowd a little something to cheer about with a trademark flourish during his side's 1-2 defeat against Turkey last night.

Ping! James Milner And Wayne Rooney Put On Elite Passing Masterclass vs Norway (GIFs)

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By Chris Wright

In which James Milner auditions, rather successfully we might add, to fillSteven Gerrard's boots at international level...

Exquisite. In fact, it's right up there with this beauty from Wayne Rooney...

It's worth remembering that these guys are highly-paid professional footballers.

England 1-0 Norway – Rooney On Spot To Fire Three Lions To Limp Victory At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 1-0 Norway International Friendly 3rd September 2014

A late Wayne Rooney penalty gave England a win they hardly deserved against Norway on Wednesday night. The Three Lions, playing in a half-empty Wembley, toiled against an organised Norway side with Joe Hart probably the Three Lion's best performer on the night.

Football Vines: Angel Di Maria Sets Up Sergio Aguero With Superb Outside-Of-The-Boot Assist Vs. Germany

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By Alan Duffy

That's what £60million buys you! In Argentina's friendly against their World Cup final opponents Germany, Man Utd's big-money summer-signing Angel Di Maria produced a magnificent piece of skill.

Bending the ball with the outside of his left boot, Di Maria found Sergio Aguero in the German box, with the City man firing home from close-range.

Mario Balotelli’s New £4.75m Cheshire Mansion Looks Pretty Swanky! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

If Twitter rumours are to believed (which they're inevitably not), then what we have here is a clutch of photos of Mario Balotelli's purported new gaff in Helsby, Cheshire.

Word is that Balotelli is due to move into the mansion, named "Steppingstone", after completing his move to Liverpool.

Jan Vertonghen Knocks Little Girl Unconscious With Wayward Shot During Belgium Training Session

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By Chris Wright

Apologies as we're a bit late with this one, but a little girl was left needing medical attention after being heartlessly assaulted by Jan Vertonghen during Belgium's open training sessionyesterday.

The defender apparently clattered a wayward shot into the crowd which struck the little girl in the face,knockingher unconscious.

Official: Tom Cleverley Pulls On His Aston Villa Shirt For The Very First Time (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having signed on loan til January a mere 17 hours after the transfer window closed, here's Tom Cleverley pulling on his new Villa shirt for the very first time...

First image of new signing Tom Cleverley as a Villa player.

Man Utd’s Mind-Boggling Array Of Sponsorship Deals Includes An ‘Official Global Noodle Partner’

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By Chris Wright

No wonder Manchester United have been able toafford spaffing£230million on new players since last summer!

The sheer amount of global commercial venturesthat Unitedhave on the go at the moment is staggering, with the club's vast portfolio of sponsorship deals bringing in well over £150million per year with that figure set to rise to around £190million at the end of the next financial year when United's £750million, 10-year kit deal with Adidas starts kicking in.

Ray Wilkins Appointed As New Manager Of Jordan National Team (With Frank Stapleton As His Assitant)

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By Chris Wright

"Stay on your feet, young man!"

In whatis almost certain to go down as one of theoddest managerial appointments in recent memory, the Jordanian FA (JFA) have announced that Ray Wilkins has taken over as the head coach of their national side.

Barry Davies’ Ice Bucket Challenge Is A Thing Of Beauty, Includes Famous Line Of Commentary (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Barry Davies: a genuine class act from his napper to his toes...

We love him as much as it's decent to love a 76-year-old man who isn't your Grandad.

(Many thanks to Pies fan Nicholas Raynefor the spot!)

Neymar Fined €6,000 For Autographing Young Villarreal Fan’s Shoe At Half-Time

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By Chris Wright

According to several Spanish sources, Barcelona have seen fit to hit Neymar with a fine for having the outright temerity to sign an autograph for a small child during the half-time interval of Sunday's 0-1 win over Villarreal.

It's being reported that Neymar, who had started the game on the bench, was emerging from the tunnel to warm up at half-time when he was flagged down by a young Villarreal fan in the front row at El Madrigal and asked for an autograph.

Monaco Supporters Group Urges Fellow Fans To Demand Season Ticket Refunds After Summer Exodus Of Falcao And Rodriguez

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By Chris Wright

One of AS Monaco's largest supporters groups is urging fellow fans to take action and start demanding refunds for their season tickets after the Ligue 1 club flogged off two of their biggest stars, James Rodriguez and Radamel Falcao, over the summer.

According to L'Equipe, the aggrieved administrators of thePlanete ASM fan site have issued a blog statement entitled,"Supporters, demand a refund for your season ticket," in which they implore "hungover" Monaco fans to do just that.

So It Begins: Arsenal New Boy Danny Welbeck Suffers Ankle Injury During England Training

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By Chris Wright

And lo, so it begins. The Arsenal injury train just keeps on a-rollin'.

Signed for £16million on deadline day as anemergency replacement for the injuredOlivier Giroud, word is leaking out from the England camp that Danny Welbeck has suffered an injury of his very own while training with England at London Colney yesterday.

West Ham Fan Fined For Taking Free-Kick Starts Crowdfunding Account To Pay Off His £305 Debt

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By Chris Wright

Jordan Dunn, the West Ham who was finedon Monday for scampering onto the pitch and taking a free-kick during the Hammers' opening game of the season, has opened a crowdfundingaccount in the hope of raising enough money to pay off his court debts.

After having his set-piece technique complimented by the judge, 22-year-old Jordan was stung for £350 for his "drunken moment of madness" and, being an intrepid kind of guy, took to Go Fund Me to invite fellow West Ham fans to donate towards paying off his fine.

Ofcom Receive Numerous Complaints Over Sky Sports News’ Chaotic Transfer Deadline Day Coverage

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By Chris Wright

Ofcom have confirmed that they received numerous complaints from viewers over the various acts of debauchery that littered Sky Sports News' rolling deadline day coverage on Monday.

Strangely the offensive volume of Jim White failed to attract a single complaint from the public, though eight viewers complained about witnessing reporter Alan Irwin having a sex toy inserted about his person outside Everton's Finch Farm training ground.

Official: Tom Cleverley Joins Aston Villa On Loan Just 17 Hours After Transfer Window Closes (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Aswas speculated earlier, Aston Villa have successfully managed tosneak a four-month loan deal for Tom Cleverley through despite the transfer window closing some 17 hours ago...

Villa have signed midfielder Tom Cleverley from @ManUtd on a season-long loan.

Football Songs: ‘Shinji’s Coming Home’ By Los Dortmundas Is A Sure-Fire Hit! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Can't wait to hear this one being belted out by 70,000 Dortmund fans when Shinji Kagawa finally makes it back out onto the pitch at the Westfalenstadion...

No need to be so glum, guys you've written yourselves a sure-fire hit there!

Robbie Savage Treats Six-Year-Old Cancer Patient To A Spin In His Ferrari! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Most have had their say on the relative merits (or lack thereof) of Robbie Savage over the years, but it's fairly safe to say that "Sav" is only an excruciatingly abrasive prat for professional purposes with the former Wales midfielder showing his charitable side on Monday afternoon while the rest of the world was suffering deadline day meltdown.

Retro Football: 12-Year-Old Danny Welbeck Trains With Man Utd Legends Ruud Van Nistelrooy & Roy Keane, 2003 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

These clips seem to do the rounds all the time but, without checking, they've not been whacked up on Pies before so, with Danny Welbeck leaving Manchester United to become Arsenal's new No.23 after spending pretty much his entire career at Old Trafford, we figured this is as good a time as any to post them.

Tom Cleverley’s Escape To Aston Villa May Still Be On Despite Transfer Window Shutting Hours Ago

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By Chris Wright

Hold the bleedin' phone! It seems like Tom Cleverley's escape from Manchester United to [anywhere else], deemed to be dead in the water by the time the transfer window closed at 11pm on Monday night, may still be a go-er if Sky Sports are to be believed.

Sky don't actually have any specifics as yet, but they're yammeringon that Aston Villa might still have a chance of taking the midfielder on loan despite the window shitting (typo, but it stays) hours ago:

"Villa are confident of signing Tom Cleverley on loan from Manchester United, according to Sky sources.

Snapshot: Daley Blind Gives His Father A Little Kiss At Dutch Award Ceremony…

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By Chris Wright

While his agent was busy hammering out the fine print of adeal to join Manchester United on deadline day, Daley Blind was at a glitzy bash in Holland picking up the KNVB Gouden Schoen (Golden Boot) award for being the best player in Dutch football last season an award his dad, Danny Blind, has won twice in the past.

Dissecting Deadline Day: Football Clubs Use Craft And Graft To Announce New Players On Twitter (Photos)

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By Anorak

Football's big daft summer transfer season is overand football fans across the globe get to see what their team managed to grab during the mad trolley dash that is DEADLINE DAY™.

We'll round-up with the little sticker-style photos clubs use to introducetheir new player news on Twitter -tweets than can be broadly placed in two camps: craft or graft.

West Ham Fan Fined £305 For Running On And Taking Free-Kick Against Tottenham, Praised By Judge For His Technique

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By Chris Wright

The daredevil pitch-invader who sprinted onto the pitch during West Ham's recent Premier League tie against Tottenham has been fined for his troubles.

The fan in question, 22-year-old Jordan Dunn, appeared atThames Magistrates' Court in East London on Monday in order to answer for his heinous crimes, with his decision to invade the pitch described as a "drunken moment of madness".

Sky Sports News Reporter Uses Vanishing Spray To Keep Rowdy QPR Fans Under Control (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the throngs of QPR fans gatheredoutside the club's training quarters being whipped up into a frothy lather over the imminent/inevitable deadline day return of Niko Kranjcar, Sky Sports News reporter Gary Cotterill found a novel way to keep the gurning hordes at bay.

Transfer Deadline Day: Who Were The Big Winners & Losers?

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By Chris Wright

In which Pies take a wry look at the big winners and losers emerging from yesterday's circus/cesspit of assorted agent-fuelled to-ings and fro-ings, starting with...

The Winners...

Yaya Sanogo

The Transfer Deadline Day's biggest winner so far is this man.

Official: Man City Striker Alvaro Negredo Moves To Valencia On Loan (With €30m ‘Obligation’ To Buy)

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By Chris Wright

Just another quickie to keep thee abreast of one last major deal that went down after midnight, with Manchester City allowing Alvaro Negredo to leave for Valencia on loan...

pic.twitter.com/TnSP0t6fmm

— Valencia CF (@valenciacf) September 1, 2014

Apparently City have wedged an "obligation to buy" clause into the small print which will see Valencia have to make the deal permanent in the summer for€30million which begs the question: Why not just sign him for€30million now?

Official: Man Utd Finally Get Around To Signing Radamel Falcao (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It might have taken them until half past bloody one in the morning, but Manchester United did finally get their season-long loan deal for Radamel Falcao over the line last night as proved by these here photos...

BREAKING: #mufc is delighted to announce Radamel Falcao has joined on a 1-year loan from Monaco with an option to buy pic.

Official: Arsenal Sign Danny Welbeck From Man Utd On £16m Permanent Deal

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By Chris Wright

Much like the Falcao deal, this one went through far past Pies' bedtime after Arsenal applied for a special post-window grace period to hammer out the finer details of the move, but the club have since been able to confirm that their £16million deal to sign Danny Welbeck from Manchester United was completed in the wee small hours of the morn.

Deadline Day: Man Utd Agree To Pay Radamel Falcao’s Wages In Full – Season Loan Set To Cost An Absolute Fortune!

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By Chris Wright

It's edging ever closerandManchester United are now on the home stretch in their bid to finalise a loan deal for Monaco striker Radamel Falcao.

However, the Telegraph are reporting that United have had to agree to pay the Colombian striker's absolutely extortionate Monaco salary (£18million per annum) in full in order to push the deal through, meaning that they're going to have to find£346,000-a-week to shovel into the 29-year-old's bank account.

Deadline Day: Liverpool To Sign Victor Valdes In One Month’s Time To Give Injury Chance To Heal

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By Chris Wright

As you may well be aware, Liverpool have entered talks with the representatives of former Barcelona goalkeeper Victor Valdes today over a possible move to Anfield.

However, the Independent are claiming that despite the two party's initial talks ending positively, Liverpool are keen to hold fire on the move until next month in order to let the cruciate knee ligament injury he sustained while playing for Barca in March continue to heal.

Deadline Day: Joao Moutinho Desperate To Leave Monaco, Offered To Man Utd And Valencia By His Agent

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By Chris Wright

With James Rodriguez and Radamel Falcao already jumping the Monaco ship this transfer window, it seems like Joao Moutinho may have had a word in his agent's ear and tasked him with landing a move before he's stuck treading water at the Stade Louis for another six months.

Gary Neville Reveals What It Took To Entice Radamel Falcao To Sign For Man Utd (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With no Champions League or even...gasp...Europa League football this season to dangle as a sweetner, Manchester United had to turn to one of their highest-ranking foot soldiers in order to get the loan deal for Radamel Falcao over the line.

Snapshot: Luis Suarez Has Little Cry In The Car After Leaving Liverpool For The Final Time…

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By Chris Wright

Like a scene from Marion & Geoff, here's Luis Suarez having a little cry to himself in the car after saying his final goodbyes to everyone at Liverpool's Melwood training HQ today...

That's right, Luis: let it all out.

Suarez had returned to Liverpool to pick up a few of his personal belongings and, slightly confusingly, give Steven Gerrard a signed Barcelona shirt.

Official: Real Madrid Sign Javier Hernandez From Man Utd On Season-Long Loan

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By Chris Wright

It's been in the offing for several hours, but Javier Hernandez's season-long loan move from Manchester United's substitute's bench to Real Madrid's has now officially been confirmed by the Spanish club.

The following short statement has just appeared on the Real website:

"Real Madrid CF and Manchester United have reached an agreement for the transfer of [Chicharito].

Deadline Day: Everton Installed As New Bookies’ Favourites To Sign Tom Cleverley From Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

It seems that Tom Cleverley is pretty much destined to be following Shinji Kagawa out of the Old Trafford exit door before the transfer window closes, with Aston Villa and Hull City previously thought to be making in-roads toward an £8million deal for the oft-maligned midfielder.

Deadline Day: Arsenal Plan Daring ‘Take It Or Leave It’ £40m Raid For Marco Reus

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By Chris Wright

According to the Daily Express, Arsenal are waiting until cover of darkness to stage a daring midnightraid on Borussia Dortmund for their much-vaunted forward Maro Reus.

Reus reportedly has a clause in his contract that would see him able to leave Dortmund for just £25million next summer and, with that in mind, it's being mooted that the Gunners are hoping to tempt the Bundesliga club into selling early by slapping a take-it-or-leave-it £40million wodge on the table just before the window closes.

Deadline Day: Arsene Wenger Flies Out To Rome On Transfer Deadline Day…To Referee Charity Game

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By Chris Wright

Arsene Wenger caused a flurry of excitement this morning when word spread that the Arsenal manager had been spotted flying out to Rome ontransfer deadline day.

Fervour grew as the names of potential Rome-based signings were proffered forth by roused Arsenal fans,only for all of their nascent hopes and dreams to be dashed against the rocks of reality when it emerged that their dear leader had chosen today of all days to fly out to Italy to take part in a charity match.

Deadline Day: Leicester City Join QPR, Hull, Newcastle And Arsenal In Hectic Race To Sign Jermain Defoe

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By Chris Wright

With Toronto FC yesterday parting with the coach (Ryan Nelsen) that brought him to the MLS in the first place, it seems like the world and his dog are trying to tempt Jermain Defoe back to the Premier League with no less than five (at the last count) clubs making inquiries about the striker.

Snapshot: The Most Confusing Deadline Day Photo So Far…

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By Chris Wright

Well well, what's going on here then?

Just to clarify, Luis Suarez is back at Melwood today, supposedly to pick up a few personal belongings and say his goodbyes properly though quite why he brought his Barcelona shirt with him is beyond us!

BREAKING: Radamel Falcao Joins Man Utd On £12m Season-Long Loan Deal

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By Chris Wright

With Arsenal, Real Madrid and Man City all heavily linked for the past few days, it looks like Manchester United have come up on the rails and pipped the lot to the signing of Radamel Falcao.

Now, it's worth noting that the Daily Mail have a propensity to jump the gun with things like this in the name of click-baiting, but never-the-less the paper have gone ahead and confirmed that United have won the race to sign Falcao.

Official: Micah Richards Arrives In Florence Ahead Of Season-Long Fiorentina Move (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Coming out of left field, here's Manchester City's longest-serving player, one Micah Richards, arriving in Italy ahead of his medical with Fiorentina...

26-year-old @MCFC right-back Micah #Richards has landed in Florence ahead of a potential move.

Deadline Day: Arsenal And Tottenham Inquire About Man City Defender Matija Nastasic

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By Chris Wright

According to the The Guardian, both Arsenal and Tottenham have submitted inquiries as to the availability of Manchester City's young centre-back Matija Nastasic.

Nastasic, 21, is thought to be available thought City are keen to sell the Serbian defender on a permanent deal in a bid to recoup as much of the £12million fee they splurged on him back in 2012 as possible.

Football GIF: Journalist Tucks Away Outrageous ‘Switch Hit’ Penalty During Charity Game

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By Chris Wright

Sunday evening saw the annual TVN exhibitionmatch take place in Poland, with a team of employees from the TVN television station taking on a team of Polish politicians and celebrities in the hope of raising a few złotyfor charity.

We've no idea how it actually panned out but what we can assume is that the game went to penalties, with one Polish journalist flummoxing the opposing keeper and duly stealing the show in the shoot-out with an absolutely outrageous "switch hit" penalty.

Pies’ September 2014 Transfer Deadline Day Live(ish) Blog

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By Chris Wright

Joy of joys, it's time to release the Babelcopter for it's that time of year again: Transfer Deadline Day™, where absolutely anyold rubbishgoes right up until the stroke midnight.

As per, Pies will endeavour to bring you the tastiest transfer morsels and officialdone-deals over the course of Deadline Day™, right up until the point where we get well and truly bored with it (usually around mid-afternoon!

‘Unidentified Fan’ Makes Defender Look Silly Before Scoring Cracking Chip vs Chivas USA (Video)

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By Chris Wright

How does Robbie Keane like his chips? With a side-serving of delicious nutmeg...

Nicely done, that man.

For the record, Keane's goal came as Galaxy ran out 0-3 winners over Chivas, keeping there four-game winning streak alive and sent them within two points of Seattle Sounders at the summit of the MLS Western Conference table.