Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2014

Everton 3-6 Chelsea – Goodison Goal-Fest Sees Costa & Co. Hit Toffees For Six (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 3-6 Chelsea Premier League 30th August 2014

The Blues of Merseyside and the Blues of west London produced a veritable goal-fest at Goodison Park on Saturday with Chelsea keeping alive their 100% start to the new Premier League season.

Swansea 3-0 West Brom – Swans Continue To Soar After Third Win In A Row (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 3-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 30th August 2014

Garry Monk's Swans kept alive their 100% record in the Premier League with a comfortable home win against West Brom.

Speedy wideboys Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge had the hosts 2-0 up by the break with Dyer making it 3-0 in the second period.

Newcastle 3-3 Crystal Palace – Zaha Makes Point For Eagles Against Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 3-3 Crystal Palace Premier League 30th August 2014

Wilfred Zaha marked his return to Crystal Palace from Manchester United with a late late equaliser to secure a point for the Eagles.

Both defences were poor in this goal-fest, with Dwight Gayle scoring within the first minute for Neil Warnock's side.

Man City 0-1 Stoke – Citizens Arrest At Etihad As Diouf Fires Potters To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 0-1 Stoke City Premier League 30th August 2014

Manchester City suffered a shock defeat in only their third game of the new Premier League season, going down 1-0 to Stok at the Etihad.

Ex-Man Utd strikerMame Biram Diouf was the goal hero for the visitors, slotting home juts before the hour mark against a City side that struggled to click into gear.

Burnley 0-0 Man Utd – Di Maria Fails To Fire Red Devils To First Win Under Van Gaal (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 0-0 Manchester United Premier League 30th August 2014

Despite having Angel Di Maria in the 11 for this game away at Burnley, Louis Van Gaal's Manchester United once again failed to register a win in the Premier League.

The Red Devils pushed and pushed for a breakthrough but came up against a Burnley side superbly organised by Sean Dyche.

Gabriel Batistuta Reveals He Was In So Much Pain After Retiring From Football That He Asked Doctors To Amputate His Legs

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By Chris Wright

Former Argentina striker Gabriel Batistuta has revealed that his footballing career left him in so much pain that he seriously asked doctors to amputate both his legs after his retirement in 2005.

Speaking in an interview with TyC Sports, Batistuta admitted that at his lowest ebb he once decided to wet the bed in the middle of the night rather than having to go through the pain of walking across the landing to his bathroom.

Spoilsports At Puma Design Special ‘Easy Zip’ Arsenal Jacket For Arsene Wenger

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By Chris Wright

After yonks under Nike's tyrannical ill-fastened reign, Arsenal switched to having Puma provide all of their kit gubbins for the start of the 2014/15 season and, sadly for fans of watching extraordinarily learned gentlemen struggle with incredibly basic mechanisms, it seems like they may have sought to makeinfamous Arsene Wenger's zip woes a thing of the past.

Official: Man Utd Confirm Club Have Agreed £14m Deal For Ajax Defender Daley Blind

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By Chris Wright

Love is Blind

Just a few minutes ago, Manchester United have officially confirmed that they have reached a deal with Ajax over the transfer of Daley Blind.

The agreed fee for 24-year-old Blind, who can play in the defensive midfield role or on the left-hand side of the back-line, is believed to be about £14million.

Tijuana’s Juan Arango Almost Breaks Sound Barrier With 30-Yard Torpedo vs Leones Negros (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Regarded as having one of the sweetest left foots in the biz-uh-niss by those in the know, former BOrussia Monchengladbach midfielder Juan Arango scored an absolute torpedo of a goal in the Mexican top flight night, putting Xolos Tijuana 1-0 up over Leones Negros with a coruscating effort from 30-yards which pinged in off the bar for good measure.

Retro Football: Robbie Fowler Scores Premier League’s Fastest Ever Hat-Trick, 1994 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly 20 years ago yesterday, a 19-year-old Robbie Fowler set a English footballrecord whichstill stands to this day- takingjust four minutes and 33 seconds to score three goals for Liverpool against Arsenal, which is still the Premier League's fastest ever hat-trick.

Europa League Group Stage Draw: Tottenham Face Besiktas, Everton Up Against Wolfsburg And Lille…

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By Chris Wright

Exactly what is says on the tin: the Europa League group stage draw in all its glory...

(Image via UEFA)

Top 10 Players In Desperate Need Of A Deadline Day Transfer

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By Chris Wright

With the transfer window due to close this coming Monday evening, Pies thought we'd turn our beady eye to those players (mostly Premier League-based) going slightly stale around the edges at their current clubswho really need to be agitating for deadline day moves before having to hold their peace again for another six fallow months.

Valencia Go Up Against Aston Villa In Tom Cleverley Bidding Skirmish With £8m Offer

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By Chris Wright

With Aston Villa lodging an £8million bid for Tom Cleverley on Thursday afternoon, it would appear that a mini-bidding skirmish centred around the Manchester United midfielder has whipped up overnight.

According to Sky Sports News' yellow BREAKING NEWS foghorn this morning, Valencia have entered the fray and matched Villa's offer with an £8million bid of their very own.

Official: Xabi Alonso Agrees To Join Bayern Munich From Real Madrid

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By Chris Wright

No word from Bayern Munich as yet but Real Madrid have gone ahead and confirmed that Xabi Alonso has left their realm after five years at the Bernabeu in order to sign with the Bundesliga champions.

A brief statement appeared on the Real website on Thursdaynight after Alonso had passed his Bayern medical, which read thus:

"Real Madrid CF and Bayern Munich have reached an agreement for the transfer of the player Xabi Alonso.

Official: Argentina Stalwart And Champions League Winner Esteban Cambiasso Joins Leicester City

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By Alan Duffy

What a superb bit of business this is by Premier League new-boys. Signing a player of Esteban Cambiasso's calibre is quite the coup with the 34-year-old joining the Foxes on a free in a one-year-deal.

From Independiente to River Plate and Real Madrid to Internazionale, Cambiasso proved to be one of the best midfielders of his generation, with his mix of tough-tackling and sublime technique winning him the Champions League in 2010 with Jose Mourinho's Inter side as well as a whole host of other trophies.

Europa League: Hull 2-1 Lokeren (Agg: 2-2) – Tigers Bow Out Despite Win At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-1 KSC Lokeren (Agg: 2-2 Lokeren win on away goals) Europa League Qualifying 28th August 2014

A Robbie Brady brace wasn't enough to stop Hull's maiden European campaign ending prematurely despitea 2-1 win against Lokeren.

Irishman brady netted early doors but the Belgians levelled soon after the break, courtesy of a goal fromJordan Remacle made it 1-1.

Europa League: Tottenham 3-0 AEL (Agg: 5-1) – Lilywhites Stroll To Victory At Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-0 AEL Limassol (Agg: 5-1) Europa League Qualifying 28th August 2014

Spurs coasted into the Europa League proper courtesy of an easy win against AEL Limassol on Thursday night.

Harry Kane missed a spot-kick early on but the burly hitman would eventually get his goal with Paulinho and Andros Townsend (via another penalty) also getting on the scoresheet.

Snapshot: Legia Warsaw Fans Have A Message For The ‘Greedy Capitalist Pigs’ At UEFA…

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By Chris Wright

As displayed by the Legia Warsaw fans before their Europa League tie against Kazahkstan's FK Aktobe tonight, a none-too-subtle message for the greedy capitalist pigs at UEFA...

Message: received.

This way for context, should you need it.

Return Of The Warnock: Crystal Palace Always Keep Their Ex-Managers Coming Back For More!

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By Ed Barrett

When it comes to managers, Crystal Palace certainly keep them coming back for more...

"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."

Al Pacino's words come to mind when considering the appointment of Neil Warnock as the latest manager of Crystal Palace (the ever loveable Neil is seen above berating a disallowed Palace goal that hit the net and bounced back out).

Champions League Group Stage Draw: Man City Face Bayern Munich, Liverpool Land Real Madrid And Arsenal Get Dortmund…Again

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By Chris Wright

With UEFA's human Fabergé egg, Gigi Infantino, at the helm, the all-singing, all-dancing, all time-wasting-mindless-small-talking draw for the Champions League group stages has just been completed at the Grimaldi Forum in Monaco.

To wit, the plastic balls of fate fellin the following order.

Retro Football: Can We All Just Take A Moment To Appreciate Ian Walker’s Trousers? (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Snipped from an old copy of what we think might be FHM, can we all just take a moment to marvel at the grace, subtlety and elegance of then-Tottenham goalkeeper Ian Walker's choice of trousers?

The red jumper's a bit special, but those tin foil pantaloons?

Snapshot: MK Dons’ Kit Supplier Sondico PWN Man Utd With Some EPIC BANT Outside Old Trafford…

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By Chris Wright

Epic troll pwnage from MK Dons' kit supplier Sondico here, with the official manufacturer of all the dingy old sports kitinyour secondary school's PE "lost and found" bin weighing in and dishing out some top epic bant outside Old Trafford via the tried and true medium of themobile billboard lorry.

Angel Of The North-West: Di Maria Officially Unveiled As Man Utd’s New No. 7 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It started as a Vine...

And now Manchester United have released a raft of photos of Angel Di Maria's formal unveiling at Old Trafford which show that the Argentinian whippet has become the latest star incumbent of the club's hallowed No.7 jersey following the likes of George Best, Bryan Robson, Eric Cantona, David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and.

Borussia Monchengladbach’s Christoph Kramer Pulls Off Slinky ‘Long Range Nutmeg’ During Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Borussia Monchengladbach midfielder Christoph Kramerentertains himself during a training session by pulling off a long-range nutmeg trickshot using teammate Filip Daems...

Silky stuff, and kudos to Daems for not dashing Kramer'sdreams by closing up his legs there's a reason why that guy is club captain!

Wilfried Zaha To Re-Rejoin Crystal Palace On Season Loan From Man Utd Reserves

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By Chris Wright

Well, file that one under "that went well".

Having nowmade an outstanding four appearancesfor Manchester United since initiallysigningfor the club 20 months ago, Wilfrield Zaha is on the very cusp of leavingOld Traffordon loan once again this time re-rejoining Crystal Palace on a season-long jaunt.

Soccer Saturday Pundit Charlie Nicholas Is Just Sitting There Thinking… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With football punditry being as it is these days: completely over-saturated with obnoxiously anodyne gimps, it's important to have a little something to help you stand out from the moribund masses.

Robbie Savage has his lobotomy, Jamie Redknapp has his top, top, top, topanalytical skills, Alan Shearer has his zany array of identical powder blue shirts and Soccer Saturday's Charlie Nicholas has his little diamond ear-stud and his ubiquitous catchphrase.

England’s Horrible Squad For Opening Euro 2016 Qualifier Announced – Fabian Delph, Jack Colback And Danny Rose All Called Up

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By Chris Wright

With Wayne Rooney officially installed as England's new skipper, Roy Hodgson has announced his squad for the upcoming friendly against Norway at Wembley on 3rd September and the opening Euro 2016 qualifier against Switzerland five days later.

It's horrible.

Kim Jong-Un Allows Man Utd’s Games To Be Broadcast On North Korean State TV, Punchlines Write Themselves…

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By Chris Wright

As if the people of North Korea (that's the naughty Korea) haven't suffered enough, the country'sSupreme Outstanding Glorious Leader, Kim Jong-Un, has apparently decreed that every single Manchester United match is to be televised from now on.

With North Korea gripped by football fever since theyreached the 2014 World Cup Final against Portugal (remember?

Disgustingly Flukey League Cup Punter Wins £1,250 After Accidentally Betting AGAINST Man Utd (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

It may not have seemed like it at the time, but there was one ray of light amongst the gloom after Manchester United were stuffed by League One's MK Dons in the Capital One Cup on Tuesday night.

Having originally meant to stick a cheeky £2.

Official: Xabi Alonso Undergoing Medical At Bayern Munich

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By Chris Wright

The biggest news on the transfer front this morning is that Bayern Munich have confirmed that they are knee-deep in negotiations with Real Madrid over the transfer of Xabi Alonso.

Bayern have even gone so far as confirm that Alonso is due at the club for a medical at some point today.

Bafetimbi Gomis Admits He Learned All He Knows About His New Swansea Teammates From ‘Football Manager’

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By Chris Wright

"Says here that Jonjo Shelvey has 17 for pace... that can't be right"

Having spent his entire footballing career in France, it's perhaps not overly surprising that Bafetimbi Gomis wasn't particularly au fait with Swansea City before moving to the Liberty Stadium on a freebie this summer.

Snapshot: Olivier Giroud Wore His Arsenal Kit While Watching The Gunners Beat Besiktas At Home…

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By Chris Wright

After splintering his left tibia against Everton last week, Arsenal striker Olivier Giroud was forced to watch the rest of his teammates squeak past Besiktasand into the Champions League proper last night from the comfort of his own home though, in a show of solidarity, he did so while wearing his Gunners colours while elevating his knackered leg.

Football Vine: Ludogorets Centre-Half Cosmin Moti Scores One, Saves Two In Champions League Shootout Drama

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By Alan Duffy

After Arsenal had made it through to the Group Stages of the Champions League courtesy of a dramatic second-half at the Emirates, focus switched from London to the Bulgarian city ofRazgrad were local sideLudogorets were battling it out with Romanian giantsSteaua Bucharest.

Capital One Cup Draw: Man Utd-Slayers MK Dons Face Home Tie With Bradford As Holders Man City Host Sheffield Wednesday

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By Alan Duffy

League One giant-killers MK Dons may well have been hoping for another clash with a top-tier side but instead the Dons face a home tie with Bradford in the Capital One Cup Third Round.

Holders Manchester City will be confident of getting past Sheffield Wednesday at the Etihad while Arsenal face a tricky home clash with Southampton.

Champions League: Arsenal 1-0 Besiktas (Agg: 1-0) – Sanchez Stars As 10-Man Gunners Battle Into Group Stages Once Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Besiktas (Agg: 1-0) Champions League Play-Off 2nd Leg 27th August 2014

Arsenal's 17th consecutive season in the Champions League proper was a hard-fought achievement with nerves frayed and nails chewed at the Emirates against Besiktas.

Neil Warnock Set To Be Appointed Crystal Palace Manager, Jason Puncheon Probably Not Best Pleased

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By Chris Wright

Nothing official from the club as yet but after holding talks with Steve Clarke and Neil Warnock over the past few days, it seems that Crystal Palace have plumped for the latter candidate to fill their Pulis-shaped managerial vacancy after Clarke dropped out of the runningthis afternoon.

Pep Guardiola Takes ‘Hands-On Coaching’ A Little Too Literally For Thomas Muller’s Liking! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bayern Munich bossPep Guardiola is definitely a hands-on kind of coach, though just occasionally the tactile zeal with which he cajoleshis players is liable to spill over into the "something approaching bodily harm" category just ask Cesc Fabregas.

Nikola Zigic ‘Undergoing Arsenal Medical’ Ahead Of Shock Move – Surely This Is Some Kind Of Awful Joke?

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By Chris Wright

"I'm sorry? Come again? Arsenal?"

Gird yourselves Gooners, but it's being reported today that Nikola Zigic, 33, is undergoing a medical with Arsenal ahead of a shock and that's putting it lightly free transfer.

The reports seemingly emanated in Serbia, Zigic's homeland, this morning but are now being rehashed and recirculated by a couple of English outlets, including the Mirror and the Sun.

Shane Long Channels Thierry Henry With Audacious ‘Wrong Foot’ Dummy Pass vs Millwall (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Often/never hailed as Tipperary's answer to Thierry Henry, Southampton's new £12million man Shane Long went leafing throughhis little book o' tricks during the Saints' 0-2 League Cup win over Millwall last night and pulled out an audacious "wrong foot" dummy pass la Titi.

Official: Everton Snaffle Samuel Eto’o On Freebie (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

For the couple of you who missed it last night after being distracted by the hi-lar-ious Manchester United furore, Samuel Eto'o is now officially an Everton player having signed a two-year deal with the Toffees.

Here are the photos to prove it.

Angel Di Maria Writes Open Letter To Real Madrid Fans, Admits He Never Wanted To Leave

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By Chris Wright

As is the done thing these days, Angel Di Maria has penned an open letter to the Real Madrid fans after signing for Manchester United yesterday, thanking them for their support over his four years in La Liga and yadda yadda yadda.

In a passage that is sure to warm the cockles of United fans, Di Maria also admitsthat he never actually wanted to leave Real (we can only assume it was written before last night's League Cup horror show), but that the club made it impossible for him to stay by not valuing him enough and then circulating "lies" to eventually force him out.

Ejected Polish Side Legia Warsaw Tweet Response To Celtic’s Champions League Exit…

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Legia Warsaw, after battering Celtic 6-1 over two legs in the 3rd Round of the Champions League qualifiers, they were punished for fielding an ineligible player for the last few minutes of the 2-0 second-leg win.

A 3-0 win was awarded to the Hoops which allowed them to reach the play-off stages, where they would ultimately lose to NK Maribor.

Champions League: Celtic 0-1 Maribor (Agg 1-2) – Bhoys Flop At Celtic Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 0-1 NK Maribor (Agg: 1-2) Champions League Qualifiers 2nd Leg 26th August 2014

Celtic's 2-1 aggregate defeat at the hands of Slovenian side Maribor could be viewed as some kind of footballing justice after the Scottish sides benefited from an administrative error by Legia Warsaw despite being well and truly battered the Poles.

Football Vine: Lost Bhoy – Excited Celtic Fans Disappears Into Crowd As Champions League Dream Ends

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By Alan Duffy

One hopes that this chaps had nothing but his ego bruised as a proper injury would have been the icing on a pretty hideous cake for him on Tuesday night.

Watching Celtic go out of the Champions League qualifying stages (again), the bloke seems to disappear.

Capital One Cup: MK Dons 4-0 Man Utd – Van Gaal’s Mix-And-Match Red Devils Battered By League One Dons (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

MK Dons 4-0 Manchester United Capital One Cup 26th August 2014

Louis Van Gaal may have fielded an inexperienced Manchester United side at Stadium:MK on Tuesday night, however few would have expected the Premier League champions of 12/13 to receive a right battering from the League One hosts.

Official: Angel Di Maria Completes Record £59.7m Man Utd Move, Becomes Sixth Most Expensive Signing Ever (First Photo)

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By Chris Wright

It's rubber-stamped and official: Angel Di Maria is now 100% a Manchester United player after passing his medical at Carrington this morning and putting pen to paper on a five-year deal at Old Trafford.

United have announced the news via their club site and via their Twitter feed, with Di Maria's £59.

Official: Bayern Munich Sign Mehdi Benatia From Roma On Five-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let y'all know that Bayern Munich have signed theheavilyin-demand Mehdi Benatia from Roma on a five-year deal...

DONE DEAL: #FCBayern and @OfficialASRoma have agreed the transfer of MEHDI BENATIA (27)!

Francesco Totti Given Commemorative Plaque By AEK Athens, Promptly Drops And Breaks It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Roma took on AEK Athens in their final pre-season game on Saturday before Serie A farts back into life this weekend, with the Italian side beating their Greek hosts by two goals to one.

Before the game, AEK officials proudly presented Francesco Totti with a special commemorative plaque as a little token of their appreciation.

106 Caps And Out: Frank Lampard Retires From International Football With Immediate Effect

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By Chris Wright

By 'eck, the "Golden Generation™" are dropping like flies. First Steven Gerrard throws in the towel and now Frank Lampard goes and announces that he's retiring from international football with immediate effect at the grand old age of 36.

Remember, that Golden™ midfield pairing that famously couldn't operate on the same pitch as each other?

Real Madrid’s Awesome New Champions League Third Kit Has A Bleedin’ Dragon On It! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Designed by Japanese fashion bod Yohji Yamamoto (the man behind Adidas'infamously subtle £200'Imperial Dog' football boots), Real Madrid's new Champions League third kit has been unveiled today and it HAS A DRAGON ON IT...

Presentamos nuestra equipacion de @adidas_ES para la Champions de la temporada 2014/15.

The Great Disallowed Goals: Angel Di Maria (Real Madrid) vs Standard Liege, 2010 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming during a friendly against Standard Liege a few years ago in one of Angel Di Maria's very first appearances for Real Madrid having signed from Benfica just weeks prior, here's the little Argentinian halfling being robbed of a spectacular back-spinning back-heeledfirst goal for Los Blancos by, a) a meddling referee, and, b) the fact that he was about six kilometres offside at the time.

‘I Leave With Sadness But I Know I’ll Make You Proud’ – Mario Balotelli Posts Emotional Farewell To AC Milan

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By Chris Wright

Having sewn up his £16million move to Liverpool yesterday, Mario Balotelli spent the afternoon writing a heartfelt farewell message tothe comrades he'll be leaving behind in Milanas he moves into his latest chapter posting the resulting love letter on Instagram.

Summer Of God-Awful Corners Continues With Dimitri Payet’s Dismal Effort Against Guingamp (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This will surely go down as the summer of the god-awful corner kick, with Wayne Rooney, Serge Gakpe and Keisuke Honda all ensuring an unforgettable few months of abject ineptitude.

The latest addition to the oeuvre comes courtesy of Marseille's Dimitri Payet, who managed to hit the top of the stadium with his corner against Guingamp at the weekend thanks to an interfering piece of loose turf or at least that's what he wants you to think.

Everton Teetering On Verge Of Completing Samuel Eto’o Deal After Veteran Striker Drops Exorbitant Wage Demands

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By Chris Wright

The world and his dog are reporting that Everton are now on the very cusp of tying up a two-year deal for Samuel Eto'o providing the veteran Cameroon striker aces his medical at Finch Farm this morning.

Eto'o, who was released back into the wild by Chelsea at the end of last season, was originally asking for an exorbitant £180,000-a-week to join Everton but the Telegraph are reporting that the 33-year-old forward has agreed to take a significant pay cut in order to secure his move to The Toffees meaning Eto'o will have to scrape by on a measly £70,000-a-week for the next two years.

Transfer Balls: Arsenal To Bring In Welbeck, Remy, Tiote, Martinez, Cerci, Benatia, Khedira, Old Uncle Tom Cobleigh And I Before Transfer Deadline

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By Anorak

Careful Olivier, you'll do yourself a mischief

With the transfer season coming to an end and the news that Olivier Giroud will beknackered for the next three months after a football touched his foot,the media experts have whipped out their scatterguns and aimed them squarely at Arsenal.

‘I Will Ask If He’s Really 25!’ – Eden Hazard Is As Spectical About Diego Costa’s Age As Everybody Else

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By Chris Wright

There is a certain amount of light-hearted faux-controversy doing the rounds at the moment centred around the yearon Diego Costa's birth certificate, with many claiming that the Chelsea striker is far older than the 25 he claims to be.

Officially, the Brazilian-born striker came into the world on 7/10/1988 making him 25-years-old but, as has been noted by many, Costa's grizzled, knotty face seems to suggest that he may have actually been born sometimearound the moon landing.

Fenerbahce Keeper Volkan Launches Weird Balls-First Attack On Felipe Melo After Botched Super Cup Penalty (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After a rip-roaring 120 minutes of entirely goalless action, Fenerbahce beat Galatasaray on penalties to claim the Turkish Super Kupa on Monday evening, with Felipe Melo ballooningthe crucial spot-kick over the crossbar to hand Fener the win.

However that wasn't where the ignominy ended for Melo, who was then subjected to a weird "attack" from Fener goalkeeper Volkan Demirel, who, having watched the Brazilian midfielder's penalty sail over, proceeded to sprint straight at his defeated opponent and sort of thrust his genitals toward his face.

Man City 3-1 Liverpool – Ropey Reds Gunned Down By Citizens (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-1 Liverpool Premier League 25th August 2014

Mario Balotelli won't have been too impressed with his new side on Monday after watching the Reds go down 3-1 at the Etihad.

While the Italian has been bought to bolster Liverpool's attack it is in defence where the weaknesses were against man City, with Spanaird Alberto Moreno's error allowing a rejuvenated Stevan Jovetic to fire home on 41 minutes.

Mario Balotelli Is Officially A Liverpool Player, Signs ‘Long Term’ Deal At Anfield (First Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Done deal. Mario Balotelli is now officially a Liverpool player having signed a three-year deal at Anfield this morning (no word on that "bad behaviour clause, however!).

The Reds announced Balotelli's signing on Twitter using their now familiar chintzy-looking "Sky Sports breaking news" knock-off graphics.

Antonio Di Natale Scores Achingly Beautiful Lob As Udinese Sling Five Past Ternana In Coppa Italia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's no secret that Pies harbour a certain forbidden love forthe finely honed stylings of Udinese legend Antonio Di Natale, so it fills us with all sorts of happy downstairs tingleswhen he goes and does something likescore all five goals in a 5-1 win over Ternana in the Coppa Italia especially when one of said five goals is an achingly beautiful and audacious lob.

Andrea Pirlo Is Not Impressed… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What with Andrea Pirlo being all "internet" and junk these days, Juventus had their resident handsomely-beardedsommelier partake in one a short challenge for theclub'sYoutube channel, in which four Australian variety acts were tasked with simply impressing him.

Vampire Of Serie B: Avellino Striker Bites Opponent During Copa Italia Game, Victim Sent Off For Protesting! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunday's Copa Italia fixture between Serie B twosome Avellino and Bari was marred by yet another biting incident which sawAvellino striker Gianmario Comi allegedly sink his gnashers into the arm of Bari forwardGiuseppe de Luca while the pairscuffled while lining up a defensive wall.

Football Vine: Michael Laudrup’s Son Suffers Horrendous Open-Goal Miss In Danish League

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By Chris Wright

Like father, like s...

Ah.

Michael Laudrup's 23-year-old son Andreas there, proving that on rare occasionsthe apple can actually fall several kilometres from the tree whilemissing an open goal from 30cm out while playing forAGF Aarhus against AB Copenhagen in the Danish second division.

Football GIF: Mexican Primera Division Provides Your Bank Holiday Goalkeeping Howler Of The Day

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By Chris Wright

River Plate ran roughshod over Godoy Cruz in the MexicanPrimera Division on Mondayevening, with the boys from Buenos Aires thumping their opponents 0-4 on their own patch to go within two points of the league summit with three games played.

Teo Guttierez helped himself to two goals on the night, though Godoy Cruz 'keeper Sebastian Moyano has to claim a major assist for his first laying it on a silver platter for the Colombian strikerwith an exquisitely executed howler after just four minutes.

Germany Win Women’s U20 World Cup After Nigeria Bugger It Up In Spectacular Fashion! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Germany won the U20 Women's World Cup last night thanks to a 1-0 victory over Nigeria in the final but it could have been oh so different had Nigerian forward Asisat Oshoala been able to contain herenthusiasm.

With the score deadlocked at 0-0 and with the clock ticking over into the 86th minute, forwardLoveth Ayila poked a headed rebound past the flailing German 'keeper which was well on its way toward crossing the line and therefore pretty much guaranteeingNigeria both the game and the tournament.

Shit Lookalikes: Gerry Francis & Hoggle From ‘Labyrinth’

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By Chris Wright

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it in (waatpies@gmail.com) or Tweet us (@waatpies) and we'll happily give it the once-over.

Suggested further viewing...

Horror Hair Legends: Gerry Francis Celebrates Six DecadesOf Unwavering Style (Photos)

Portland Timbers Fans Perform Enormous ‘Wizard Of Oz’ Tifo Against Seattle Sounders (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

They may have lost the actual game 2-4, but Portland Timbers got their MLS clash against their main rivals Seattle Sounders off to a flyer by unfurling an astounding 'Wizard of Oz' themed tifo before kick-off which showed Dorothy traipsing away from the Emerald City (i.

Sunderland 1-1 Man Utd – Red Devils Struggle Again As Rodwell Makes Point For Hosts (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-1 Manchester United Premier League 24th August 2014

Louis Van Gaal's Manchester United once again failed to impress in this 1-1 draw at the Stadium of Light.

Juan Mata had given the visitors the lead on 17 minutes, but the Red Devils failed to build on their advantage, with the Black Cats getting abck on level terms on the half-hour mark.

Tottenham 4-0 QPR – Harry’s Hoops Battered At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 4-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 24th August 2014

Harry Redknapp endured a painful return to his old stomping ground on Sunday as QPR were battered by a rampant Tottenham side.

The goals came courtesy of a first-half brace from Nacer Chadli and another from Eric Dier before Emmanuel Adebayor made it 4-0 after the break.

Hull 1-1 Stoke – Shawcross Rescues Point For Potters Against 10-Man Tigers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 1-1 Stoke City Premier League 24th August 2014

Centre-half Ryan Shawcross rescued a point for Stoke at the KC Stadium on Sunday despite the Potters being a man to the good for most of the game.

Hull's James Chester saw red after just 14 minutes after a last-man foul onGlenn Whelan but it was the hosts who would take the lead just before the break.

Football Vine: Barcelona’s La Liga Opener Against Elche Interrupted By First-Half Cat Invasion

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By Chris Wright

Another ringer Barcelona managed to sneak in before their transfer ban comes into force, no doubt...

LA Galaxy Striker Robbie Keane Provides Best/Worst Assist in History Of Football (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Robbie Keane is certainly enjoying himself in MLS and judging by this 'assist' even the Irishman's mistakes end up reaping rewards.

Here, an appalling airshot ends up setting up Keane's LA Galaxy team-mateMarcelo Sarvas who fired home. Either this was the cleverest assist in the history of football (it wasn't) or a very amusing bit of luck.

Swansea 1-0 Burnley – Dyer Fires Swans To Victory At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-0 Burnley Premier League 23rd August 2014

Swansea kept alive their 100% start to the new Premier League season courtesy of a tight 1-0 win at home to Burnley.

Pint-sized attacker Nathan Dyer was the goal-hero for the Swans, firing home on 23 minutes with the only goal of the game.

Everton 2-2 Arsenal – Gunners Grab Point After Goodison Comeback (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-2 Arsenal Premier League 23rd August 2014

Arsenal came from two goals down to claim a had-fought point at Goodison Park in Saturday's late game.

Despite having World Cup winners Per Mertesacker and Mesut Ozil back in action, the Gunners struggled to match the Toffees in the first period.

Southampton 0-0 West Brom – Stalemate At St. Mary’s As Saints And Baggies Fail To Spark (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 0-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 23rd August 2014

The Saints and the Baggies produced produced a rather dismal goalless clash at St. Mary's on Saturday, with neither side really doing enough to win the game.

The home side saw James Ward-Prowse go close with a free-kick while summer-signingGraziano Pelle failed to make the most of a couple of decent chances.

Crystal Palace 1-3 West Ham – Hammers Too Good For Managerless Eagles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 1-3 West Ham United Premier League 24th August 2014

Crystal Palace's woes continued with a disappointing 3-1 defeat against West ham on Saturday.

The Hammers were 2-0 up by half-time, courtesy of a superb volley from Mauro Zarate and a fine effort from Stewart Downing.

Athletic Bilbao Keeper Scores 95th-Minute Equaliser Only To See Goal Chalked Off By Heartless Referee

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By Chris Wright

With his side trailing 1-0 against Malaga in their opening La Liga fixture, Atheltic Bilbao goalkeeper Gorka Iraizoz went yomping forward for a 95th-minute free-kick and promptly did this...

However, Iraizoz wasn't given long to revel in the sweet, sweet abandon of joining the Goal-Scoring Keepers' Club as heartless refereeAntonio Mateu immediately disallowed the goal for a mystery infringement like a total b*stard.

Chelsea 2-0 Leicester – Blues Battle Past Wiley Foxes At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Leicester City Premier League 23rd August 2014

Diego Costa netted his second goal in two games as Chelsea battled to a hard-fought 2-0 win against Premier LEague new-boys Leicester.

The Blues toiled in the first period against a well-organised Leicester side who also threatened the hosts' goal on various occasions.

Aston Villa 0-0 Newcastle – Magpies Misfire Again In Stalemate At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-0 Newcastle United Premier League 23rd August 2014

This game was never going to be a goal-fest and true to form, these two sides played out a dismal goalless draw in Saturday's early game.

While both sides struggled to create clear-cut chances, it was Newcastle new-boy Siem De Jong who could have won the game late on.

Alan Pardew Is Obviously Some Kind Of Elite Tactical Genius (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what elite, Premier League-level tactical nous looks like in 2014...

By 'eck, Incey would be proud...

Aston Villa Boss Paul Lambert Boinked In The Crotch By Roy Keane’s Errant Water Bottle

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By Chris Wright

Yet more top action from the Greatest League in the World™...

Bayern Munich Forgotten Man Holger Badstuber Back In Bundesliga Action After 629 Day Lay-Off

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By Alan Duffy

Absent from Bayern Munich's domestic and European successes and having to watchGermany's World Cup win on TV, forgotten man Holger Badstuber has missed out on some major footballing moments in the last couple of years.

However, despite two cruciate ligament injuries, the 25-year-old is finally back in action, making his Bundesliga return for the Munich giants against Wolfsburg on Friday night, 629 days after his last game in the German top-tier in December 2012.

Football Vine: Wolfsburg’s Junior Malanda Misses Almighty Sitter vs Bayern Munich

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By Chris Wright

Junior Malanda, hand your head in shame...

Ouch.

Fitba Thatba Present: Man Utd Chief Executive Ed Woodward’s Adventures In The Transfer Market (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which those Fitba Thatba roustabouts take the pittle out of Manchester United chief executive Ed Woodward and his increasingly befuddling adventures in the transfer market...

Poor old Ed. Always the scapegoat, never the bride.

(Video via The Babb Report)

Mario Balotelli Arrives At Liverpool’s Melwood Training HQ To Undergo His Medical (First Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Coming via the Liverpool Echo, here's the first photo of Mario Balotelli arriving at Liverpool's Melwood training ground this afternoon in order to undergo his medical with the completion of his £16million move from AC Milan just the width of a gnat's danglies away now.

‘I’m No Racist Or Homophobe, I’m A Human Being And I Made A Mistake’ – Malky Mackay Apologises Over Gay Snake-Gate

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By Chris Wright

Malky Mackay has publicly apologised forthe offensive text messages that have come to light as part of the ongoing FA investigations into Cardiff City's allegations of misconduct against their former manager.

In what is now being referred to across the board as "Gay Snake-gate", Mackay is alleged by Cardiff City to have sent and received a number of offensive texts from ex-Bluebirds sporting director Iain Moody.

PSV Eindhoven Go Big, Bring In Police Water Cannons For Squad ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which PSV Eindhoven go above and beyond in the Ice Bucket Challenge stakes by roping in the local police water cannons to really give their boys a soaking in the name of charidee...

Reverse angle...

Completely over the top and all the better for it!

Danny Welbeck Told He Can Leave Man Utd, But Only For Team Outside Top Six

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By Chris Wright

This is a biggie so we suggest you find something suitable to faint on before you read on, but it is being reported that Danny Welbeck has been told by Louis van Gaal that he is free to leave the club.

Indeed, the Telegraph are reporting outright that Welbeck, 23, has been told he's free to leave United, with Arsenal and Tottenham already lurking.

Retro Football: Oliver Kahn’s Epic, Operatic Farewell Substitution For Bayern Munich, 2008 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A bombastic, pugnacious and divisive figure throughout his long, distinguished goalkeeping career, it was only fitting that Oliver Kahn's farewell substitution following his final appearance for Bayern Munich in 2008 took ten whole minutesto complete and included hugs, flags, a parade lap, a speech and a strategically-deployedopera singer to croon through "Time To Say Goodbye" while Kahn made his way (eventually)down the tunnel.

James Milner Takes On The ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Like A True Yorkshireman (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's James Milner taking on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge like a true stout Yorkshireman, nominating Man City assistant manager Brian Kidd, Leeds legend Lucas Radebe and whoever the scallywag behind the @BoringMilner parody Twitter account is to step up to the plate before proceeding to tough out the icy drenching with a true Northerner's steadfast unwillingness to admit being cold.

‘He Hasn’t Murdered Anyone, He Hasn’t Raped Anyone And He Is Not A Paedophile’ – Harry Redknapp Defends Malky Mackay

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By Alan Duffy

Never one to shun an opportunity to get in the papers or on the telly, QPR boss Harry Redknapp has now added his two cents to the Malky Mackay controversy.

Speakingahead of his side's weekend clash with his former club Tottenham, good old 'Arry pleaded for leniency and understanding in light of the publication of Mackay's infamous text messages.

Europa League: Lokeren 1-0 Hull – McGregor Muddle Leave Tigers In Trouble (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

KSC Lokreren 1-0 Hull City Europa League Qualifiers 1st Leg 21th August 2014

Hull have it all to do in the second leg of their Europa League play-off game after going down 1-0 away at Lokeren. Goalkeeper Allan McGregor, usually a rock for the Tigers, was the villain of the piece for the visitors, passing straight toHans Vanaken who round the 'keeper and fired home.

Official: Georgios Samaras Signs For West Brom On Two-Year Deal (First Photo)

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By Chris Wright

After winning the Eurovision Song Contest with Celtic earlier this year, Georgios Samaras' next port of call is a return to the Premier League, with the Greek forward signing a freebie two-year deal to become West Brom's new No.30...

Albion make former @celticfc striker Georgios Samaras their ninth summer signing @EthnikiOmada #wba pic.

LMA Release Statement To Apologise For The Lameness Of Their Malky Mackay Statement

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By Chris Wright

"Totally just called him a gay snake, mate! It was hi-la-rious!"

The League Managers' Association (LMA) have released a statement this morning to publicly apologise for the general lameness of their defence of former Cardiff City boss Malkay Mackay in the wake of what Pies will now be referring to as "Gay Snake-gate" from now on.

Paul Gascoigne Taken To Hospital After Being Found Slumped Drunk Outside His House

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By Chris Wright

According to a report in the Telegraph this morning, Paul Gascoigne was hospitalised yesterday after he was discoveredslumped outside his house.

This from the Telegraph:

"Paramedics and police were called to Mr Gascoigne's rented apartment in Sandbanks, Dorset, to find him slumped on the ground holding a bottle of vodka.

Europa League: Limassol 1-2 Tottenham – Lamela Leads Lilywhites’ Fightback In Cyprus (Photos & Highlight)

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By Alan Duffy

AEL Limassol 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Europa League Qualifiers 1st Leg 21th August 2014

Two quick second-half goals from Roberto Soldado and Harry Kane gave Tottenham a hard-fought win in Limassol on Thursday night.

The hosts had taken the lead early on, courtesy of a strike from Adrian Sardinero and as the game wore on, it started to look like being a bad night for the Premier League side.

Marco Materazzi Uses ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ To Troll Zinedine Zidane All Over Again! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're just about as sick of these increasingly tiresome Ice Bucket Challenges as the next man, but Marco Materazzi's is definitely a cut above most of them...

Too soon?

And EA Sports’ Débutante Cover Star For FIFA 15 Is… (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

For those with an interest in this kind of thing, Pies can reveal that the new cover stars for FIFA 15 (the UK version, at least) are as follows...

That's correct: Monsieur Eden Hazard...

Well, that's that over and done with. Try to get on with your lives as best you can.

AC Milan Website Confirms Mario Balotelli Has Said His Goodbyes As £16m Liverpool Move Looms

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By Chris Wright

It's on. It's on like mother-flippin' Donkey Kong mother-flipper!

With Balotelli himself telling Sky Italia this morning that today would be his final day with the club, AC Milan have just confirmed via their website that the striker has said his good-byes to all of the players and staff at Milanello.

Jamie Carragher Skilfully Dodges Awkward Question About Luis Suarez From Young Liverpool Fan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Showing a damn sight more skill and dexterity then he ever did in his playing days, here's Jamie Carragher diplomatically choosing to "plead the fifth" in response to an awkward question about former teammate Luis Suarez while surrounded by a flock of young Liverpool fans.

Paul Gascoigne Comes Out Of Retirement, Joins Sunday League Fourth Division Team Based In Bournemouth

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By Chris Wright

The latest chapter in the continuing story of Paul John Gascoigne has seen the former England midfieldersign on the dotted line and register with Abbey FC a Sunday League team from the fourth division of the Bournemouth Hayward Sunday League.

Gascoigne, now 47 (but don't tell his face), agreed to sign for Abbey in typical Gazza style while chatting with a taxi driver whilenipping down the shop to buy fags.

Legendary Football Commentator Barry Davies Returns To Match Of The Day!

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By Chris Wright

Good news everybody, the BBC have confirmed that legendary commentator Barry Davies will be returning to Match of the Day for one last fling.

You have to say that's magnificent.

Sadly, Davies won't be returning on any kind of permanent basis in order to show upthe BBC'sincumbent stable of loud, over-involved and instantly forgettable dullards (*cough cough* Guy Mowbray, Jonathan Pearce*cough*) but rather the 76-year will be returning to the gantry on a special one-off basis as part of the MotD'songoing 50th-birthday celebrations.

Liverpool Enter Talks To Sign Mario Balotelli, Potential Loan Deal Nixed Over ‘Bad Behaviour’ Clause

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By Chris Wright

The big news on the transfer front this morning is that Liverpool, in their ongoing search for a first-rate striker, have reportedly entered talks with AC Milan over the signing of Mario Balotelli.

According to BBC Sport among several others, Liverpool are more than willing to meet Milan's valuation of Balotelli (believed to be around€25million) and as such have opened negotiations with the Serie A side last night.

Official: Marcos Rojo Joins Man Utd On Five-Year Deal, Will Wear Rio Ferdinand’s Old Shirt (First Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's official, Marcos Rojo is finally a Manchester United player having completed his medical and signed a five-year deal at Old Trafford yesterday evening...

BREAKING: Marcos Rojo is a Red. The Argentina defender has signed for #mufc on a five-year contract.

Malky Mackay No Longer In Crystal Palace Frame After Former Club Cardiff City Complain To FA About ‘Racist, Sexist And Homophobic’ Text Messages

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By Chris Wright

Despite looking to be the preferred candidate up until last night, it looks like Malky Mackay won't be taking the Crystal Palace job any time soon after the Eagles became aware of a dossier sent by the Scot's former club Cardiff City to the FA in which they haveoutlined their allegations of misconduct against the former Bluebirds boss.

Shit Lookalikes: Jack Wilshere’s League Two Doppelganger Thinks He Looks Nothing Like Jack Wilshere…

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By Chris Wright

Withhis photo doingthe various social media rounds today, it's being speculated that Portsmouth defender Jack Whatmough is actually Jack Wilshere attempting to build up his match-fitness by moonlighting in League Two using nothing buta floaty blonde wig as a disguise (possibly the same one he uses to buy his ciggies in).

Welsh Sunday League Team Forced To Fold After ‘Contravening Rules’ By Playing On A Wednesday

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By Chris Wright

Welsh Sunday League side Malsters Arms FC have been forced to call it a dayafter contravening league rules by playing in a recent one-off fixture on a Wednesday evening.

We're as shocked and appalled as you are!

According to the Independent, Malsters Arms snagged themselvesthe chance to play in a friendly game at the home of Cardiff City after winning a Barclays "grass roots football" competition.

Singapore Lions XII Score Incredibly Odd Goal During Malaysian Cup Tie (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we seeSingapore-basedside Lions XII profit from a momentary bout of dumbfounded confusionthatspread through the defence of their Malaysian Cup opponents, Pahang FA, when an over-hitpass cannoned back off the feet of the linesman stationed on the touchline without actually ever going out of play.

Competition: WIN! Brand New Pair Of Snazzy ‘Hi-Viz’ Warrior Gambler Boots

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By Chris Wright

That's right folks, we're ushering in the new season with a raft of competitions here on Pies with this: the second in a series of three Warrior football boot give-aways!

Having already given away a pair of new Skreamers to one lucky winner (Mr Jack Wheeler, take a bow son!

Dutch Newspaper Forced To Apologise After Phony ‘Johan Cruyff Dead’ Story Circulates Online

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By Chris Wright

Cruyffis still very muchaliyff

God knows what's going on, but it seems that bafflingly stupid newspaper apologies are the "in thing" at the moment following Aftonbladet grovelling apology to the entire nation of Austria yesterday after one of their writers compared Red Bull Salzburg to both Adolf Hitler and Josef Fritzl.

Bayern Munich Use Magician To Unveil Their New Team Bus At Ridiculously Glitzy Event (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've no Earthly idea why, but it seems that the unveiling of a new team bus is big news round Bayern Munich's gaff, with the Bundesliga giants staging a frankly ludicrously glitzy event outside the Allianz Arena to unveil their swanky new wheels.

They even got a magician in, for crying out loud!

FIFA Reject Barcelona Transfer Ban Appeal, Now Comes Into Force In January 2015

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By Chris Wright

Somehow they're just going to have make do with this little lot

FIFA have announced that they have rejected Barcelona's appeal against their transfer ban for, and we quote, "breaches relating to the international transfer and registration of U18 players.

Snapshot: Blackpool Fan Gets Name Of His New Favourite Player On Back Of His Shirt…

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By Chris Wright

Spotted queuing for a pint at a recent game, this Blackpool fan had the name of his new favourite Tangerines player ironed onto the back of his shirt after spending pre-season watching him in action...

Football's particular strain of gallows humour at its finest.

Real Madrid Buddies Iker Casillas And Alvaro Arbeloa Share Special Moment In Bernabeu Tunnel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So exquisitely awkward it's almost painful, here's the super special moment that Real Madrid teammates (and BFFs) Iker Casillas and Alvaro Arbeloa shared in the Bernabeu tunnel before last night's Super Cup first leg...

(WARNING: Pies accepts no responsibility for viewers cringing themselves to death)

Allow us to ply you with a bit of context.

Football GIF: Sergio Ramos Punches Mario Mandzukic Square In The Face During Spanish Super Cup

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By Chris Wright

Bold as brass, here's Real Madrid ne'er-do-well Sergio Ramos lamping Atletico Madrid forward Mario Mandzukic in the face after the pair tangled during last night's Spanish Super Cup first leg at the Bernabeu...

We have a begrudging respect for Ramos' embrace of the defensive dark arts here on Pies, but this is just plain old nasty and petulant.

Transfer Balls: Mehdi Benatia Wants Bayern Munich, Talks To Man Utd And Hopes To Play For Chelsea

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By Anorak

Roma defender Mehdi Benatia has been the subject of feverish speculation of late, with the British press linking him with a move to Manchester Untied, Chelsea and Manchester City.

Sofar we have learned that United have bid £24million in a bid to, er, gazump Chelsea's £30million bidfor a player who would prefer to play for Man City.

Champions League: Besiktas 0-0 Arsenal – Ramsey Sees Red As Gunners Grab Goalless Draw In Turkey (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Besiktas 0-0 Arsenal Champions League Qualifier 1st Leg 19th August 2014

Arsenal came away from Istanbul with a creditable draw on Tuesday night after a tough battle with Besiktas.

Both sides had chances to win the game, with Demba Ba incredibly hitting the bar with a shot from the kick-off before going close again later on and Olivier Giroud failing to capitalise on a handful of chances.

Besitkas Striker Hits Woodwork With Wonder-Shot Direct From Kick-Off v Arsenal

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By Alan Duffy

What a goal this would have been! In Arsenal's Champions League qualifier away at Besiktas on Tuesday night, ex-Chelsea hitman Demba Ba had a cheeky effort straight from the kick-off which almost caught off Gunners' 'keeperWojciech Szczesny off guard, instead coming back off the bar.

Snapshot: Al-Hilal Fans Produce Magnificent Tifo In Asian Champions League Quarter-Final

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By Alan Duffy

TheKing Fahd International Stadium in Riyadh looked incredible during Al-Hilal's quarter-final Asian Champions LEague clash with Qatar's Al-Sadd.

The game, watched by a capacity 63,500 crowd saw Salman Alfaraj score the only goal of the game to give the Saudi side a one-goal advantage going into next week'ssecond-leg.

Newspaper Forced To Apologise After Comparing Red Bull Salzburg To Adolf Hitler And Josef Fritzl

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By Chris Wright

A Swedish newspaper has been forced to apologise after publishing an article which compared Austrian club Red Bull Salzburg to both Adolf Hitler and Josef Fritzl.

Taskedwith writing a straight-forward matchpreview for Malmo's upcoming Champions League play-off againstthe oft-maligned Austrian side, Aftonbladet football writerRonnie Sandahl waded in with the following almost unbelievably callous introduction:

"Austria has not only given us Josef Fritzl and Adolf Hitler.

Retro Football: Leeds United Trio Dorigo, Deane & Newsome Play Some FIFA International Soccer On Kid’s Television, 1993 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Appearing on the fondly-remembered 'Bad Influence' youth-centric video gamesshowat some point around about 1993, here's Leeds United superstarsTony Dorigo,Jon Newsome and Brian Deane (draped insuitablysumptuous club track-suits) giving mid-1990s children's television behemoth Andy Crane a helping hand during a segment on the new raft of football games to have hit the consolesat the time.

Shit Lookalikes: New Italy Coach Antonio Conte & This Terrible John Travolta Waxwork…

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By Chris Wright

It's been pointed out that newly-appointed Italy coach Antonio is looking particularly shiny these days...

Got a Shit Lookalike suggestion for Pies? Email it over onwaatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us @waatpies and we'll gladly give it the once-over.

‘I Was Really Depressed Afterwards’ – Luis Suarez Opens Up About His Traumatic Biting Ordeal

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By Chris Wright

Speaking at his grand Barcelona unveiling, Luis Suarez fielded questions about what he got up to on his summer holibobs this year.

Still serving his four-month ban for feasting upon the flesh of Italy centre-back Giorgio Chiellini, Suarez had some reassuring words for Barca fans: he pinky-promises not to bite anyone again:

"I say to fans, don't worry, because I won't do that any more.

15-Year-Old Sensation Martin Odegaard In Line To Become Norway’s Youngest Ever Player

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By Chris Wright

Having taken time out from looking afterhis Tamagotchi and blastingrad wheelies on his bike to rip up the Tippeligaen for the last couple of months, it now looks likeStromsgodset's teenage sensationMartin Odegaard is pretty much nailed-on to become Norway's youngest ever international player at the grand old age of 15.

Snapshot: This Is The Pitch That Greeted Portland Timbers On Arrival In Guyana For CONCACAF Cup Game…

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By Chris Wright

Having travelled down to Guyana for a CONCACAF Champions League tie against local side Alpha United, this was the state of the pitch that greeted Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson...

Guyana away pitch. Welcome to CCL!

Corinthians Midfielder Petros Banned For Six Months For Colliding With A Referee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Corinthian midfielder Petros has found himself slapped hard with an enormous SIX-MONTHban after colliding witha referee during a recent Brazilian league game.

The incident occurred during Corinthians' 1-0 victory over rivalsSantos on August 10th, with Petros clattering into the referee from behind andappearing to land a forearm across the official's back.

Angry Fluminense Fans Paint ‘Fred Out’ On Training Ground Wall After Struggling Striker’s Woeful Penalty Miss (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Coming off the back of a dismal showing for Brazil at the World Cup, Fluminense striker Fred is under all sorts of pressure at club level too having failed to make any kind of impression in the Brazilian league since returning from the tournament.

Indeed, Flu fans are growing tired ofFred's moribundform, with the 30-year-old forward coming in for some severe criticism from his own supporters for scoring just once in his last seven club games a meaningless consolation goal in a 5-2 Brazilian cup defeat a couple of weeks ago.

Monday Night Pundit Wars! Stan Collymore Vows To Quit Broadcasting If Gary Neville Can Find Footage Of Him Diving

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By Chris Wright

Small-scale pundit warfare erupted on Twitter last night in the wake of Diego Costa's dismal efforts to con a penalty out of refereeMichael Oliver by hurling himself over Burnley goalkeeper Tom Heaton at Turf Moor with Stan Collymore ultimately vowing to walk away from the broadcasting profession to prove his point.

‘It Feels Like A Dream!’ – Marcos Rojo Appears To Confirm Man Utd Move After Weeks Of Bickering

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By Chris Wright

It's been more convoluted that your average Hollyoaks script, but it would appear that Marcos Rojo has finally finally made his ridiculously protracted move from Sporting Lisbon to Manchester United.

The transfer has been beset by legal issues, third-party owners sticking their beaks in, miscellaneous bickering and allegations of industrial espionage, but it seems that the Argentinian centre-half is now on the cusp of officially being sworn in as a United player at least according to the man himself.

Robbie Fowler Has Pop At Chelsea Fans Singing About Steven Gerrard’s Infamous Slip

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By Alan Duffy

During Chelsea's comfortable 3-1 win away at Burnley on Monday night, Blues' fans kept themselves amused by singing of Steven Gerrard's infamous title-wrecking slip up last season. However, Anfield legend and homophobic abuser of Graeme Le Saux, Robbie Fowler, wasn't having it.

Snapshot: Luis Suarez Makes Debut For Barcelona In friendly Clash At Nou Camp

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By Alan Duffy

Although Luis Suarez was initially banned from playingfootball for four months (following his World Cup bitey nonsense) and Barcelona were initially banned from making any transfers for 14 months (following their breaking of U18 transfer rules), the Uruguayan made his debut for the Catalans on Monday night.

Burnley 1-3 Chelsea – Cesc On Fire: Fabregas Steers Blues To Easy Win At Turf Moor (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 1-3 Chelsea Premier League 18th August 2014

Jose Mourinho's new-look Blues made easy work of new-boys Burnley on Monday night, with Cesc Fabregas impressing in central midfield.

The Spaniard provided a superb assist for Andre Schurrle as well as firing over the corner from which Branislav Ivanovic scored the Blues second.

Puma Score Cracking Own-Goal As ‘Radamel Falcao’ Twitter PR Stunt Almost Inevitably Backfires

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By Chris Wright

The idea was for football fans toTweet using Puma's new "#foreverfaster" hashtag to receive a personalised message from their favourite Puma athletes, including footballers Radamel Falcao, Cesc Fabregas and Marco Reus.

However, it all went a bit tits-up for Puma when fans starting setting up phony Twitter accounts with specifically chosen usernames, meaning that the personalised messages they received from Falcao and the gang came back looking like this.

Top 10 Footballers Accepting The ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’

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By Chris Wright

Yes, it's all getting abit faddy but it's worth remembering that all these celebrity ALS Ice Bucket Challenges doing the rounds at the moment are for a good cause.

And lo, here we've cobbled together our Top 10 favourite footballing editions, starting with.

Snapshot: PSV Ultras Stage Defiant Protests…Against Having Free Wi-Fi Installed In Their Stadium

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By Chris Wright

The more hard-line sections of the PSV Eindhoven support, i.e, the Rood-Witten ultras, staged a defiant protest complete with sweary banners, chants and flares in the stands during Saturday's 6-1 thrashing of NAC Breda.

The protests weren't over a lack of investment from the owners or even a surprise hike in ticket prices as you may well expect, but over the club's egregious decision to go ahead and install free Wi-Fi for fans to use at the Philips Stadion.

Lincoln City Inspired To Victory Over League Leaders Barnet By The Power Of Jelly Babies!

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By Chris Wright

Lincoln City's official 2014/15 team photo

Lincoln City manager Gary Simpson has been forced to admit that he can only claim a reduced role in inspiring his side's 2-1 Conference victory over then-league leaders Barnet on Saturday and that most of the plaudits should in fact be directed toward thepacket of jelly babies used to mastermind the whole thing!

Sweary Aston Villa Fan Sticks Two Fingers Up To Sanitised Corporate Football (And Some Stoke Fans)

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By Alan Duffy

Take away all the selfies, sponsorship deals and multicoloured boots and football remains a game full of angry, portlyfans, spitting bile and flicking two fingers at whoever they like. And why shouldn't it!

This Aston Villa fan perfectly imbued the soul of our national game on Saturday, hurling his beautiful abuse at Stoke fans on Saturday and even attempting to organise a bit of fisticuffs outside the ground, albeit rather half-heartedly.

Quippin’ Boy: Young Man Utd Fan Tears Nani Apart With Post-Swansea Zinger

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By Chris Wright

Asked by the chaps at Full-Time Devils to sum up Nani's piss-weak performance against Swansea on Saturday, this little United fan outside Old Trafford gave the Portuguese mimsy both barrels with a typically brusk Northern quip...

For anyone out there who doesn't speak thick Manc, the pithy little bugger says:

"Nani?

Liverpool Loanee Iago Aspas Got Himself Nutted During Sevilla’s ‘Friendly’ Against Cadiz (Video)

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By Chris Wright

SevillabeatCadiz 3-0 in a pre-season friendly (in the loosest sense of the word) at theEstadio Ramon de Carranza this weekend, with Liverpool loanee Iago Aspas coming in for a rough old afternoon.

Having been buffeted to the ground by man-marker Kike Lopez, a bit of a brouhaha flared up between the two players which culminated in the defender sticking a pretty cowardly "Cadiz Kiss" on Aspas.

FAIL: Keisuke Honda Files Strong Contender For ‘Worst Corner Ever’ Against Valencia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen a fine effort fromNantes midfielder Serge Gakpé this weekend, but Keisuke Hondawent above and beyond the call of duty in his attempt to claim the "worst corner kick ever" title with a truly audacious display of craptitude during Milan's pre-season friendly against Valencia last night.

13-Year-Old Fan Puts All Of His Newcastle Shirts On Ebay Because He Supports Man City Now

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By Chris Wright

Edward Mellor: a turncoat in the eyes of the footballing gods

A young football fan has bunged his large collection of Newcastle United replica kit on Ebay because he's fed up of the Toon treading mid-table water and, as such, has changed his club allegiance ahead of the newseason.

Tim Sherwood Poised To Land Vacant Crystal Palace Job As Several Bookies Suspend Betting

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By Chris Wright

Welcome to Selhurst Park. You must be at least this tall to avoid relegation

Following the untimely departure of last season's saviour Tony Pulis two days before the start of the season, it now looks pretty much nailed-on that ex-Tottenham interim coach and gilet aficionado Tim Sherwood is going to be given the Crystal Palace gig.

KABOOM! Arminia Bielefeld’s Fabian Klos Scores Thunderhumpin’ Volley vs Sandhausen (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Arminia Bielefeld hammered fellow2. Bundesliga side SVSandhausen4-1 in the first round of the DFB Pokal (the German equivalent of the FA Cup) with striker Fabian Klos scoring the goal of the game to put Bielefeld 2-0 up on the hour mark.

With a deep corner swung out to the edge of the box, Klos was forced to backtrack several steps before connecting with an absolute monster of a volley.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd To Make Angel Di Maria World’s First £100m Footballer?

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By Anorak

What is Angel Di Maria worth? Is he heading from Real Madrid to Manchester United? The Red Devils do look well-placed to sign the player, but for how much?

Today, the Daily Mail leads with news that the Argentinian urchin wanted by United is worth £100million!

Cristiano Ronaldo Takes The Ice Bucket Challenge…In A Tiny Little Pair Of Purple Pants (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After being nominated by former Manchester United mucker Darren Fletcher, Cristiano Ronaldo did the decent thing and took up the Ice Bucket Challenge (a viral charity dare where nominees tip a bucket offreezingwater over themselves then nominate their croniesto do likewise) but he did it in the most "Cristiano Ronaldo" way imaginable: by stripping down to his own-brand, designer purple grundies first.

Liverpool 2-1 Southampton – Saints Impress But Sterling And Sturridge Fire Reds To Victory At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Southampton Premier League -17th August 2014

Goals from Liverpool's new SAS Raheem Sterling and Daniel Sturridge gave the Reds a hard-fought win as the post-Suarez era begins.

Sterling opened the scoring on 23 minutes after a superb trhough-ball from Jordan Henderson but the Anfield floodgates failed to open, with Ronald Koeman's new-look Southampton giving as good as they got.

Nantes Midfielder Serge Gakpé Makes Almighty Mess Of Corner Vs Metz

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By Alan Duffy

Togolese midfielder Serge Gakpé produced arguably one of the worst corners in footballing history this weekend, with the Nantes man not getting a touch on the ball at all. The big eejit kicked the corner flag instead, leading to much embarrassment. Zut Alors!

Newcastle 0-2 Man City – Champions Keep That Winning Feeling At St. James’ Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-2 Manchester City Premier League -17th August 2014

Champions Man City kept alive the record of the Premier League title holders never losing the opening match of the following season, when they beat Newcastle 2-0 at St.

Horror Hair: Remy Cabella And His Scabby Porcupine Announce Themselves On The Premier League Stage

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By Chris Wright

Looking like some kind of scabby, mange-riddled porcupine was claiming squatter's rights on his head, jinky midfielder Remy Cabella announced himself on the Premier League stage for Newcastle against Man City this afternoon putting in a follicular performance to rival any Horror Hair debut we've seen in recent years.

Bloody Nightmare! Andre Ayew Forcibly Subbed Off Early After Marseille Forget To Pack Him A Spare Kit

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By Chris Wright

He was having a fairly decent game by most folks' estimation, but still Andre Ayew found himself being hauled off after just 52 minutes of Marseille's Ligue 1 tie against Montpellier this evening after a fairly hefty kit cock-up left him in limbo.

Having previously picked up a nasty little head wound in the first half, Ayew's problems really began when the damn thing started leaking again after the restart.

Toronto FC Striker Bright Dike Scores From Long Range With His Boot vs Sporting KC (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Toronto FC forwardBright Dike failed to trouble the score-sheet as his side went down 4-1 to Sporting KC in the MLS last night though, technically speaking, the Nigerian international (cousin of Fenerbache striker Emmanuel Emenike, no less) still managed to find the back of the net in a literal sense.

Andrea Pirlo Flummoxes Singapore ‘Keeper By Nonchalantly Sliding Free-Kick Under The Wall (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Serie A not farting back into life for another fortnight, Juventus continued their pre-season warm-up with a friendly against aSingapore XI last night, with Andrea Pirlo scoring the opener with a typically nonchalant free-kick flummoxing the goalkeeper by sliding his set-piece effortlessly underneath the wall.

Poor Little Santi Cazorla Squirted With Vanishing Spray By Cack-Handed Referee

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By Chris Wright

In which sausage-fingered refereeJonathan Moss struggles to work his newfangled vanishing spray while marking outan Arsenal free-kick, only to accidentally unload his canister of fluff all over poor wee Santi Cazorla who, unfortunately, was stood down-wind at the time.

Shit Lookalikes: West Brom Coach Alan Irvine & Father Ted

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By Chris Wright

Uncanny, so it is...

Here's a short clip of Irvine trying to rally hisBaggies troops, just to drive home the point...

Liam Ridgewell Rampages From Half-Way Line To Score Superb Solo Goal vs New England Revolution (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We can't remember him scoring too many of these for West Brom or Birmingham City over the years, but Liam Ridgewell was the unlikely man to set out on a 50-yard rampage from the half-way line to score a superb drivingsolo goal for Portland Timbers against New England Revolution in the MLS yesterday.

Arsenal 2-1 Crystal Palace – Gunners Leave It Late Against Managerless Eagles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-1 Crystal Palace Premier League 16th August 2014

A late goal from Aaron Ramsey secured all three points for Arsenal against a well-organised Crystal Palace side at the Emirates.

Despite seeing the home side have most of the possession early on, it was Palace who opened the scoring on 35 minutes when Brede Hangeland headed home from a corner.

Dedicated Pitch Invader Takes Role Super Seriously During Real Madrid-Fiorentina Friendly (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Hark at this guy taking his role as pitch invader super seriously by preparing to defender a Fiorentina corner in full Real Madrid kit during the latter stages of the friendly 'twixt the two sides out in Warsaw tonight...

Pitch invader in full Real Madrid kit tried to blend in during a corner RT @calciomercatoit: pic.

Bastia Striker Brandao Headbutts Thiago Motta In Tunnel Then Runs Off Like A Big Wimp! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Trouble has been brewing over in Ligue 1this evening, with reports that PSG midfielder Thiago Motta was head-butted during an altercation in the tunnel afterhis side's 2-0 victory over Bastia.

CCTV footage of the incident has since emerged which appears to incriminate Brandao of two things: 1) head-butting Motta like a coward and then, 2) running away like a massive wimp.

Daredevil Fan Runs Onto Pitch To Take Cheeky Free-Kick During West Ham vs Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Just hum the Benny Hill music to yourself to get the full effect...

What a hero/irritating pillock.

(Delete as you see applicable!)

Pot Shot Shit Shock! Did An Extremely Accurate Bird Crap Directly In Ashley Young’s Mouth?

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By Chris Wright

We're not entirely sure what the Premier League's stance is on Vines of birds potentially crapping in peoples mouths is (there are plenty of niche pay sites for that kind of thing...or so we've heard, anyway), but we feel that it's simply our journalistic duty to show this one to you.

Man Utd 1-2 Swansea – Van Gaal’s Red Devils Reign Starts With Disappointing Defeat To Swans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-2 Swansea City Premier League 16th August 2014

Louis van Gaal's reign as Man Urd manager got off to a dismal start at Old Trafford on Saturday, with the red Devils going down 2-1 to Swansea.

With youngsters Jesse Lingard and Tyler Blackett in the starting line-up, the home side had most of the ball in the first-half.

Man Utd Fan Spotted Wearing Stylish Trousers Made From Darren Fletcher Scarves (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Strange scenes outside Old Trafford this morning, with this souvenir-monger opting to don his favourite pair of "Darren Fletcher leg scarves" for Manchester United's opening game against Swansea...

Let's take a 360° tour around these beauties, shall we?

Polish Team Take Mickey Out Of Legia Warsaw By Playing Champions League Theme Music Before Kick-Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not so very long ago Legia Warsaw found themselves shunted out of the Champions League after a monumental personnel cock-up against Celtic saw them expelled from the tournament by UEFA despite comfortably beating the SPL side 6-1 on aggregate over both legs of their qualifying fixture.

Official: Aston Villa Sign Colombian World Cup Star Carlos “The Rock” Sanchez

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By Alan Duffy

One of Colombia's best performers in their memorable2014 World Cup campaign, holding midfielder Carlos Sanchez has joined Aston Villa from Ligue 1 side Valenciennes in a four-year deal.

The 28-year-old, who joins Paul Lambert's side for an undisclosed fee, is a top-notch ball-winning midfielder with 48 international caps under his belt as well as six years in Ligue 1.

Competition: WIN! A Pair Warrior Skreamer Football Boots In Brand New Colourway

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By Chris Wright

With the new Premier League season now just hours from beginning, we're giving one Pies reader the chance to get the campaign off to a flyer by winning a pair of Warrior's brand new, second generation Skreamer boots as seen above.

All you have to do to be in with a chance of winning yourself a pair of these cracking new white/orange Warrior Skreamers (in the size of your choosing)is to answer this simple question correctly.

Football Activity: Luis Suarez Trains With Barcelona For The Very First Time… (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having received special clearance from the Court of Arbitration for Sport yesterday after pinky-swearing not to eat anybody, Luis Suarez trained with his new Barcelona teammates for the very first time today since completing his £75million move from Liverpool in mid-July.

Marcos Rojo Row Escalates As Sporting Lisbon Accuse Unnamed Team Of Smuggling Disguised Agent Into Meeting

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By Chris Wright

The ongoing row over Marcos Rojos seems to have reached tipping point today after the Argentinian defender's club, Sporting Lisbon, appeared to accuse one of the 23-year-old's potential suitors of footballing espionage!

Manchester United are known to be eager to sign Rojo and have previously seen a £15-oddmillion bid rejected as reports about problems with the player's third-party ownership by the Doyen Sports group continue to rumble on.

Michael Owen Has Only Ever Seen Five Movies In His Entire Life – ‘Cool Runnings’ And ‘Ghost’ Are Two Of Them

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By Chris Wright

Givinga fascinating insight into the beige mind of one of the most beige people in existence, the Guardian's Small Talk chaps have been busy interviewing BT Sport pundit Michael Owen ahead of the new season.

The transcription of the informal chat is a rollicking rollercoaster ride of stultifying dullness Didier Drogba mightdo well on his return to Chelsea, Owentravels in silence in the car as he's "happy with his own thoughts", he likes extra mature cheddarbut not tattoos, etc, etc but it's Micky's love of cinema that really captures the imagination of the reader.

Luis Suarez Trains With Barcelona For The Very First Time… (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having received special clearance from the Court of Arbitration for Sport yesterday after pinky-swearing not to eat anybody, Luis Suarez trained with his new Barcelona teammates for the very first time today since completing his £75million move from Liverpool in mid-July.

Official: Nicklas Bendtner Finally Finds Gainful Employment, Joins Wolfsburg On Three-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright

Huzzah, huzzah, the drought is over! Just seven months since he madehis last competitive domestic appearance, Nicklas Bendtner has finally found himself new employers officially joining Bundesliga side Wolfsburg on a three-year deal...

Offiziell: Der VfL verpflichtet Nicklas Bendtner!

Football Fans Warned As Premier League Clamp Down On GIFs And Vines Of Match Highlights Being Posted Online

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By Chris Wright

Last season saw a bit of breakthrough in terms of Premier League footage appearing online, with social media-savvy football fans posting grainy Vines and GIFs online filmed directly from their televisions within seconds of the action actually having taken place.

World Cup Flop Eden Hazard Asks Google To Remove Negative References To His Shoddy Performance Against Argentina

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea winger Eden Hazard has requested that Google removed all references and ratings of his underwhelming performance for Belgium against Argentina in the quarter-finals of the World Cup under the European Union's "right to be forgotten" ruling.

Belgium lost the game 0-1 with Hazard largely criticised for failing to make any kind of impact despite his billing as one of the tournament's top stars.

Colombian Lawyer Sues FIFA For £800m Over ‘Cardiac Problems And Moral Damage’ Caused By Poor Refereeing At The World Cup

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By Chris Wright

A Colombian gentleman has filed a gigantic lawsuit against FIFA after deciding that the refereeing at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil was so abhorrently abysmal that it caused him to suffercardiac problems.

Aurelio Jimenez, a 74-year-old lawyer, is suing Sepp Blatter and his cronies for ONE BILLION EUROS (roughly £800million) after the controversial decisions, or lack thereof, made by Spanish refereeCarlos Velasco Carballo during Colombia's quarter-final defeat to Brazilcaused him to wind up in hospital with a broken heart.

Tony Pulis Parts Company With Crystal Palace Two Days Before Start Of New Premier League Season

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By Alan Duffy

2013/14′s Premier League Manager of the Year, Tony Pulis, has left Crystal Palace just days ahead of the new season. The Welshman's departure from the south London club is apparently by 'mutual consent' with disagreements over the Eagles' transfer policy thought to be at the heart of the issue.

Manuel Neuer, Arjen Robben And Cristiano Ronaldo Shortlisted For UEFA Player Of The Year Gong

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By Alan Duffy

How many bloody awards are there these days in football!? Well, UEFA's dismally named "Best Player In Europe Award" for 2014 has thrown up the trio of World Cup winning sweeper-keeper Manuel Neuer, World Cup diver Arjen Robbenand World Cup flopping muscle-Mary Cristiano Ronaldo as the players shortlisted for the award this year.

Darren Fletcher Takes On The ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’, Nominates Ex-Man Utd Mucker Cristiano Ronaldo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may or may not be aware, the Ice Bucket Challenge is a viral charity thing currently doing the rounds in social media circles in which people, both professional sportsfolks, celebrities and civilians alike, have a huge vat of freezing water dumped over their heads and then openly nominate who they want to take the challenge next.

Aged Just 22, Romsey Town Boss James Phillips Set To Become FA Cup’s Youngest Ever Manager!

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By Chris Wright

Frankly, Pies can't really remember an awful lot of what we were getting up to at age 22, but we think it was probably the usual: scrumping for apples, larking around on the railway tracks, doing wheelies on our push bikes, pushing girls we fancied into nettle patches and the like.

Diego Lopez’s Farewell Letter To Real Madrid Fans Is A Really Rather Classy Affair

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By Chris Wright

Published via Real Madrid's official website, departing goalkeeper Diego Lopez has written a really rather lovely farewell letter tothe club and their fanson the eve of his move to Italy.

Having spent the majority of his early career at Real, Lopez returned to Los Blancos at the beginning of the 2013/14 season after spending seven years away with Villarreal and a further one at Sevilla.

Official: Southampton Sign Shane Long From Hull City For Hefty 12m Smackers! (First Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Seven months after signing for Hull City, Shane Long has completed a £12million move to Southampton this afternoon as the The Saints continue to blast through the takings from their summer jumble sale.

Here he is with new boss Ronald Koeman, doing the whole "shirt aloft" thing.

Luis Suarez Has Four-Month Football Ban Upheld But Cleared To Begin Training With Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to inform all y'alls that the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) have dismissed Luis Suarez's appeal against his four-month ban from all footballing activities after the Uruguayan striker's appeal was heard at a meeting earlier today.

The full explanation of the ruling will not be made public until later this afternoon, but the CAS have confirmed that Suarez has been cleared to begin training with his new side, Barcelona, after having to train on his lonesome with his own independent personal coach since joining the Catalan side for £75million in mid-July.

West Ham Newbie Diego Poyet Apologises To Andy Carroll Over ‘Greasy’ Tweets Dredged Up From Years Ago

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By Chris Wright

First of all, sincere apologies for using the word "newbie" there. It just slipped out, honest.

Secondly, the man you see before you is Diego Poyet, 19-year-old son of Sunderland boss Gus, who has recently made the move to the big time with West Ham, signing a four-year deal with The Hammers at the start of July.

Man Utd Hire Sohail Rehman, Professional Football’s First Ever Wheelchair-Bound Coach

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United have announced the club have addedSohail Rehman to their back-room staff, a youngcoach fromYorkshire who also just so happens to be the first wheelchair-bound coach to have ever been hired to train able-bodied professional players.

Rehman, who suffers fromspinal muscular atrophy and has been in a chair since the age of 13, gained his requisite FA badges in 2013after coaching at Sunday League level for years,with United signing him up to help nurturetheir young flock at the club's academy.

Snapshot: Everton Officially Hand Christian Atsu His New No.19 Shirt…

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By Chris Wright

The signing was tied up last night, but Everton manager Bobby Martinez has today officially bestowed Christian Atsu signed on a year-long loan from Chelsea with his new No.19 shirt for the upcoming season...

PHOTO: @ChristianAtsu20 and the boss pose with the winger's No.

Record-Breaking Striker Yanick Djouzi Manzizila Has His 21 Record-Breaking Goals Chalked Off

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By Chris Wright

Remember when we told you about the monumental scoring feats of Kongo United (turns out it's Kongo with a 'K') strikerYanick Djouzi Manzizila who shattered a 60-year-oldSwedish goal-scoring record at the weekend by netting 21 times in one game?

Snapshot: There Were Fireworks At The Copa Libertadores Final Last Night…

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By Chris Wright

Not a bad little photo is it? What you see before you is an enormous cluster of fireworks illuminating the skies above theEstadio Pedro Bidegain in Buenos Aires before last night's Copa Libertadores final game between home side San Lorenzo and Nacional of Paraguay.

Football GIF: Botev Plovdiv Coach Does Spectacular Little ‘Happy Dance’ During Bulgarian Super Cup

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By Chris Wright

Botev Plovdiv lost out 1-3 to Ludogoretz in the Bulgarian Super Cup yesterday, but it was the goal that put Plovdiv 1-0 after 18 minutes that sparked the wildest touchline scenes.

After Milen Gamakov had done the business in front of goal, his coachVelislav Vutzov did the happiest little happy dance that has ever been danced.

Milking It: Peruvian Cup Match Interrupted By Pitch-Invading Cow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

TheCopa Peru is in full swing down in...erm, Peru at the moment, with the nationwide cup consisting of several regional league tournaments that offer promotion into the Peruvian first and second divisions to the winners and runners-up.

Given that we're talking about the lower levels of a pretty thin football league here, some of the early Copa Peru ties can bea bit "rural", with the recent gamebetween Minsa and Expreso Inambari proving to bejust that.

Hey You! Why Not Join Pies Official Premier League Fantasy Football League?

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By Chris Wright

Due to overwhelming public demand (seriously, three or four people have enquired!), Pies have finally got round to setting up a fantasy football league for the 2014/15 season, meaning all of our discerning readers can enter and duke it out for bragging rights.

Official: Seattle Sounders Star DeAndre Yedlin Signs For Tottenham But Stays In MLS For One More Season

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By Alan Duffy

A member of the USA's squad in Brazil this summer where he made three sub appearances,right-back DeAndre Yedlin has signed a four-year contract with Tottenham.

The 21-year-old will stay with current club Seattle Sounders until the start of the 2015/16 Premier League season when he will join up with the Lilywhites.

Man Utd Handed MK Dons Clash In Capital One Cup Second Round Draw

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By Alan Duffy

David Beckham and Paul Scholes react as Man Utd are dumped out of League Cup by York in '95

Having missed out on Europe under the failed reign of David Moyes, Manchester United were involved in the Capital One Cup second round draw for the first time since 1995 (when 'Fergie's fledglings' lost 4-3 on aggregate to York City).

Football Vine: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang Celebrates Super Cup Goal With Spider Man Mask Celebration

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By Chris Wright

The quality's a bit shonky, but here's Dortmund striker Pierre-EmerickAubameyang celebrating his goal in the German Super Cup this afternoon by donning his mask to become SPIDERMEYANG...

This isn't the first time Aubameyang has celebrated scoring by whipping his Spidey mask from the sweaty recesses of his shorts and pulled it over his face, with the striker making a regular habit of it back in his Saint-Etienne days.

Kevin De Bruyne Shows Support For 2014 Special Olympics With Controversial Instagram Post (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This is the doctored picture that Wolfsburg winger Kevin De Bruyne posted to his Instagram account yesterday, along with the caption: "Would you still be myfan if I looked like this?"

The image subsequently caused a bit of confusion and/or consternation among his followers, someof whom assumed that the ex-Chelsea man was merely poking fun at the disabled by photo-shopping his face to look like he had Down's Syndrome.

Monaco Training Montage Shows Radamel Falcao Looking Fighting Fit, Especially In Front Of Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With rumours of Real Madrid's interest in him refusing to go away, Monaco have today released a short montageof Radamel Falcao back scoring a slew of goals in training as the striker continues his rehabfrom the knee injury that put him out of Colombia's World Cup run.

Fashion God: Emmanuel Adebayor’s 15 Step Style Guide For The New Season

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By Chris Wright

"Hi kids. My name's Emmanuel, and I'm here to talk to you today about fashion"

In a Pies' EXCLUSIVE, we've managed to get hold of Tottenham striker and recognised footballing fashion behemoth Emmanuel Adebayor and grill him on his style tips for the upcoming season.

Capital One Cup: Swiss Defender Gaetano Berardi Sent Off On Leeds Debut For ‘Mortal Kombat’ Lunge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Leeds managed to beat Accrington Stanley 2-1 in the first round of the Capital One Cup last night, butstill ended that game with ten men after summer recruitGaetano Berardi was sent off on his debut for a hip-high,two-footed, bicycle lunge at an Accrington player.

Transfer Balls: Man Utd To Pip Liverpool, Arsenal, Southampton And Chelsea To Stroppy Marcos Rojo

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By Anorak

Transfer balls: A wry look at the biggest/silliest transfer rumblings doing the tabloid rounds today...

The world awakens to the news that Manchester United are in for Argentina's World Cup left back Marcos Rojo, currently at Sporting Lisbon.

Shit Lookalikes: Gareth Bale & Wreck-It Ralph

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By Chris Wright

Stick a pair of dungarees onBaleand you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference these days...

Thanks to Pies fan Francis for the spot.

Got a Shit Lookalike contender for Pies? Make haste and email (waatpies@gmail.com) or Tweet (@waatpies) it over and we'll gladly give it a shufty.

UEFA Super Cup Post-Match Fun And Frolics: Platini Doles Out Double Medals, Ronaldo Spots An Old Friend, Pepe Terrified By Confetti

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By Chris Wright

While the game itself was a bit of a procession, there were plenty of fun and frolics to behold after the final whistle oflast night's UEFA Super Cup game in Cardiff- starting when UEFA president Michel Platini, obviously impressed bythe Real Madrid superstar'stwo-goal MotM performance, attempted to bestow Cristiano Ronaldo with twowinner's medal as a mark of his appreciation.

‘He’s Turning Into A Beautiful Young Man’ – Brendan Rodgers Moistens While Eulogising About Raheem Sterling

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By Chris Wright

"Love lift us up where we belong, where the Eagles cry...on a mountain high"

Liverpool motivator Brendan Rodgers has beeneulogising about his fearless group again, this time reserving special praise for one Raheem Sterling, who Rodgers has noticed blooming from a wide-eyed young kid into a beautiful teenage heartthrob a teenage heartthrob with a classyway of walkin', a sassy way of talkin' and, much more importantly, anidentityof his very own.

Football Vine: Angry Anderlecht Boss Besnik Hasi Takes Unfortunate Tumble

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Besnik Hasi,manager of Belgian giants Anderlecht, made a right eejitof himself after his side's 1-0 win against Charleroi. Apparently still unhappy despite the win, Mazzuentered his team's dressing room before attempting to take his frustrations out on an innocent bag of football.

European Super Cup: Real Madrid 2-0 Sevilla – Ronaldo & Co. Show Us The Money In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Real Madrid 2-0 Sevilla European Super Cup 12th August 2014

Gareth Bale returned tohis hometown of Cardiff along with his fellow Galacticos as the Madrid moneybags downed Europa League champs Sevilla 2-0 at the Millenium Stadium.

Cristiano Ronaldo bagged both goals for a Madrid side which featured summer-signings James Rodriguez and Toni Kroos.

Fitba Thatba Explain How Football Transfers Work With ‘Sesame Street’ Sing-A-Long (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As we've professed several times before, Pies love thecheeky wee ragamuffins over at Fitba Thatbaa bit more than is probably decent but it's with good reason.

Their latest offering is a work of pure greatness, as JJ explains the intricacies of a football transfer deal to his puppet pals with a wonderful big (well, bigger than usual) budget Sesame Street-style sing-a-long.

Congo United Striker Breaks 60-Year-Old Swedish Football Record After Scoring 21 Goals In One Game!

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By Chris Wright

Congratulations to Yanick Djouzi Manzizila, who is now the proud new owner of a Swedish football record that had previously stood for the last 60 years.

On Saturday, Congo United FC (founded by one-timeChampionship Manager legend Tonton Zola Moukoko) thumpedopponentsBalrog Botkyrka Södertälje IK in the seventh division of Stockholm's regional league, with 25-year-old striker Manzizila scoring not one, not two, but 21 twenty one!

10 Big, Dirty, Fearless Predictions For The 2014/15 Premier League Season

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By Chris Wright

After the roaring 99.9% success rate we enjoyed with our bold 'n' brassy predictions for last year's 2013/14 Premier League season (not that you need to check our claim, but they're available to peruse here) we thought it would be only fair to come at you with another round of peerlessly informed clairvoyance for this upcoming year.

Football Art: Former Art Forger John Myatt Recreates Classic Portraits Using Famous Footballing Faces (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having done time inside back in the late 1990′safter being found guilty of helping facilitate what is commonly referred to as "the biggest art fraud of the 20th century" when he forged hundreds of classic works by the likes of Chagall, Le Corbusier, Giacometti and Matisse and flogged them to auction houses across the world, British artist John Myatt is now a reformed man and even has his own television show on Sky Arts in which he teaches famous-ish faces to paint in the styles of particular artists.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Forks Out £30,000 To Send Sweden’s National Disabled Football Team To World Cup In Brazil

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By Chris Wright

"You're welcome, world"

After being asked for signed shirt to raffle off in order to raise the necessary funds, Zlatan Ibrahimovic hascut out the middle man and simply donated the entire wodge of money required to send Sweden's "mildly mentally retarded" (we've no idea if that's the official team title, but we're at the mercy of Google translate here) men's national team to their World Cup.

Clint Dempsey Makes Young Seattle Sounders Fan’s Day By Swapping Jersey For Handful Of Popcorn (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lovely stuff from DEmpsey after Seattle Sounders' 2-0 victory over Houston Dynamo in the MLS tonight, with the former Fulham man exchanging his match jersey for a handful of popcorn...

What a hero!

End Of An Era: Liverpool Finally Get Round To Removing Image Of Luis Suarez From The Kop Stand (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Luis Suarez is no more. His tiles are gone. He is an ex-Red.

It's taken 31 daysof denial and grieving (that's one whole calendar month, for fans of alternate time brackets), but Liverpool have now accepted Suarezbelongs to Barcelonaand finally got round to removing his image from the outside of The Kop stand.

Snapshot: Marko Marin Looks Like He’s REALLY Enjoying His Fiorentina Medical…

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By Chris Wright

We don't know what they're doing to him, but it looks like Marko Marin is really and we mean really! enjoying his medical at Fiorentina ahead of the wee German winger's impending loan move from Chelsea...

In attesa dell'ufficialit, Marin sta svolgendo le visite mediche!

Hatem Ben Arfa To Hold Own ‘Meet & Greet’ With Newcastle Fans After Being Banned From Club’s Official Session On Same Day

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By Chris Wright

As you're probably aware, Hatem Ben Arfa has been blacklisted by Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew due to his suspect attitude over recent months, with the French winger exiledfrom the club's pre-season tours, stripped of his squad number and barred from attending any club-related engagements.

Football Art: Illustrator Fulvio Obregon Reimagines Real Madrid’s New Galacticos As Humongous Chubsters! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As spotted by our good friends over at In Bed With Maradona, this 'ere is the handiwork of Colombian graphic artistFulvio Obregon, who, for reasons probably best kept to himself, has decided to produce a series of illustrations that show Real Madrid's new phalanx of Galacticos as rotund, almost completely spherical chubsters.

Four-Month-Old Baby Emily Becomes Cambridge United’s Youngest Ever Season Ticket Holder

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By Chris Wright

There are many football fans out there who claim to be lifelong supporters of their chosen clubs, but Cambridge United fan Emily Giles has a stronger claim than most after recently becoming The U's youngest ever season ticket holder at the grand old age of four months.

Snapshot: Manchester Billboard Wars Reignite As Massive ‘Welcome To Vanchester’ Sign Goes Up In Piccadilly…

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By Chris Wright

Not this rubbish again. It would seem that the old Manchester billboard wars that erupted around the time of Carlos Tevez's defection from United to City have been reignited after this "Welcome To Vanchester" hoarding went up in Piccadilly at some point last night.

FAIL: Glory-Hunting Man City Fan’s Liverpool Leg Tattoo Exposes Previous Club Loyalty (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

When Pies were a lad, there were precious few insults more cutting than being exposed asa "glory hunter" by your playground peers. Once the mark was upon you, it was indelible. You were a traitor (at least in terms of club allegiance). The lowest of the low.

Liverpool Marketing Department Obviously Struggling To Come To Terms With Loss Of Luis Suarez (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As spotted draped at Anfield yesterday's pre-season friendly fixture against Borussia Dortmund, it would appear that Liverpool's marketing department are having a bit of trouble letting a certain somebody go...

Hopefully players will perform better than marketing dept.

Football Vine: Olivier Giroud Blasts Home Left-Foot Howitzer In Community Shield

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By Alan Duffy

Eager to keep his place in Arsene Wenger's first XI despite the arrival of Alexis Sanchez and the continuing development of Yaya Sanogo, Olivier Giroud came off the bench at Wembley to net a superb strike for the Gunners.

Using his strength to hold off a challenge, the French hitman launched a rocket past City new-boy Willy Caballero to put the Gunners 3-0 up and cement a deserved Community Shield success.

Community Shield: Arsenal 3-0 Man City – Gunners Too Good For Sloppy Citizens (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-0 Manchester City Community Shield 10th August 2014

Arsenal won their second piece of silverware in 85 days after comfortably beating Manchester City at Wembley.

The Premier League champions were surprisingly heavy-legged against an Arsenal side which featured new-boys Callum Chambers, Mathieu Debuchy and Alexis Sanchez.

Arsenal Fans Rub It In By Doing ‘The Poznan’ After Beating Man City In Community Shield (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll have the full highlights and photos up in good time, but here's our personal highlightfrom the Community Shield at Wembley this afternoon: Arsenal fans rubbing in their easy-peasy 3-0 victory by doing Man City supporters' adopted trademark "Poznan" celebration in the stands.

Football Vine: Man City New Boy Fernando Impresses With Dazzling Footwork In Community Shield

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By Chris Wright

In which Man City midfielder Fernando dazzles his Arsenal counterparts with an absolute clinic of hot-shoe-shufflin' fancy footwork during the Community Shield...

We don't say this lightly, but that was almost Carlton Palmer-esque.

Seriously, it was that good.

Heavy Opening Day Defeat Sees Huddersfield Town Sack Manager Mark Robins Just One Game Into New Season

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By Chris Wright

"Ta-ra you shitters"

Huddersfield Town have announced this morning that the club have parted company with manager Mark Robins after just one game of the new Championship season.

The Terriers lost 4-0 at home to Bournemouth on the opening day of the 2014/15 season, with Robins brandingthe result a "disgrace" after the game having been jeered by fans throughout.

Gerard Pique Causes Stink On Barcelona’s Team Plane After Old School Prank Backfires

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By Chris Wright

All hail theBantersaurus Rex and his thighs of iron!

Gerard Pique is almost certainly not the most popular chap in the Barcelona camp at the moment after the centre-back decided that the best place for a classic schoolboy prank was on the team's plane headed for a pre-season friendly game against HJK in Helsinki.

Bastian Schweinsteiger Asks For Paul Scholes’ Shirt After Bayern Munich-Man Utd Legends Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Zinedine Zidane and Xavi already outed as fully signed-up and registered members, it seems we can also add Bastian Schweinsteiger's name to the Official Paul Scholes Fan Club roll call, with Bayern Munich'sWorld Cup-winning vice captain winning the race to swap shirts with the ex-Manchester United midfielder at the end of last night's charity friendly between United and Bayern legends at the Allianz Arena.

Stat Of The Day: Barcelona Have Now Paid For 34.6% Of Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium Through Transfer Fees

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By Chris Wright

The house that Barca built...sort of, anyway

As fathomed by those diligent folks over at the Metro, today's stat of the day is that Barcelona, after shovelling Arsenal another £15million for Thomas Vermaelen yesterday, the La Liga giants have now paid (indirectly, of course) for a not inconsiderable 34.

‘The Abuse I Get Is Stupid’ – Man City’s Samir Nasri Not Phased By Arsenal Boo-Boys Ahead Of Community Shield Clash

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By Chris Wright

With the two sides set to meet in this afternoon's Community Shield game at Wembley, Man City midfielder Samir Nasri has stoked the flame war between himself and Arsenal fans by branding them "stupid" in their continued vilification of him.

Nasri has been pilloried as a coin-chasing mercenary by Arsenal fans ever since he left the club to join City back in 2011, but the Frenchman insists that he's not phased by the boo-boys and that he did what he did for the good of his career, not his bank balance.

Stuart Pearce Walks Out Of City Ground Tunnel For First Time As Nott’m Forest Manager (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's enough to give a man goosepimples.

What a noise.

Football Vine: England’s Beth Mead Scores Humdinger At Women’s U20 World Cup

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By Alan Duffy

Following on from Claire Lavogez's superb goal for France in the Women's U20 World Cup, England's Beth Mead has produced a corker of her own in the same competition against Mexico.

Picking up the ball on the left-hand side, the Sunderland Ladies youngster nutmegged an opponent before firing home superbly from long-range.

Official: Arsenal Captain Thomas Vermaelen Signs Five Deal With Barcelona For £15million

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By Alan Duffy

After weeksof talks and media speculation, Arsenal's Belgian captain Thomas Vermaelen has finally made the move to the Nou Camp. Over the last season or so, the centre-half has struggled to secure a starting berth with the Gunners as Arsene Wenger favoured the Per Mertesacker/Laurent Koscielny partnership.

Fulham Fan Receives Brilliant Letter From His Beloved Club On Wedding Day (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Cracking gesture from Fulham here, who answered a pre-wedding request from Cottagers fan Mark Wilby by writing him and his new lady wife a personal congratulatory letter.

The correspondence he subsequently received from his beloved club on his big day was truly first class.

Heroic Hibernian Goalkeeper Mark Oxley Scores Winning Goal On Scottish League Debut

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By Chris Wright

"Reckon I could probably have a go from here"

Having onlyjoined the club from Hull City on a six-month loan at the end of July, goalkeeper Mark Oxley took precisely 16 minutes to open his account for Hibernian against Livingston on the firstday of the Scottish Championship season at Easter Road this afternoon.

Chelsea’s Diego Costa Scores Magnificent Slalom Goal Against Fenerbahce, Almost Chopped In Half By Bruno Alves’ Horror Tackle (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Feel free to disagree, but we reckon their were adefiniteshades of "John Barnes vs Brazil, 1984" about Chelsea striker Diego Costa's magnificent bob-and-weave slalom goal against Fenerbahce on Friday evening...

Nicely done that man.

The Inimitable ‘Coach Lasso’ Aka Jason Sudeikis Returns In Superb New NBC Sports Premier League Advert (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Brought to you by the very funny Jason Sudeikis, Coach Lasso (who had a spell with Tottenham last season!) returns to our screens with another superb ad for NBC Sports.

I particularly like the reference to Middle-Eastern airlines sponsoring teams in the Premier League and the little dig at Spurs.

Sexy Football: Unfortunate Bush Placement Adds Homoerotic Frisson To BT Sport Billboard (Photo)

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By Alan Duffy

Yes, this is smut, but it's rather amusing. A billboard advertising the new Premier League season on BT (I think) is partly obscured by a roaming bush, giving Alvaro Negredo and Yaya Touré's intimate footballing joy a rather homoerotic angle.

Apparently, this billboard is in Brighton.

Snapshot: Independent Ensure Man City Won’t Forget Yaya Toure’s Birthday Again With Handy ‘Dates For The New Season’…

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By Alan Duffy

The Independent newspaper has produced quite the clever little list of big dates for the forthcoming season, including Man City midfielder Yaya Toure's birthday...

The Ivorian star reportedly threw a bit of wobbly last season when City apparently forgot his birthday- well, that's what his agent said anyway!

James Rodriguez Finally Picks Up His World Cup Golden Boot Award (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Fair to say it's all been a bit hectic for James Rodriguez since the World Cup, what with the Colombian star signing for Real Madrid and becoming the latest darling of the football media and all, but it's nice to see that the former Monaco man has finally managed to get his hands on the World Cup Golden Boot award that he snagged by sticking away six goals out in Brazil.

Alvaro Arbeloa’s Three-Wheeled Car > Your Boring Old Regular Four-Wheeled Car (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This is how Alvaro Arbeloa chose to turn up to a Real Madrid training session on Wednesday: in a brand new Morgan 3 Wheeler with Spitfire-style evil eyes...

This is how Alvaro Arbeloa arrived for training today. This is awesome.

Man Utd’s Class Of 92 Spanked 5-1 By Salford City, The Non-League Club They All Co-Own! (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Red faces all around at theAJ Bell Stadium last night where Manchester United's Class of '92 were soundly spanked by the non-league club they all part-own.

Headed up by bona fide Class of '92ers Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Nicky Butt and theNeville brothers, the United XI also included the likes of David May, Quinton Fortune, a newly-shorn Robbie Savage and Mikael Silvestre but still managed to get thrashed 5-1 by Salford City the semi-professional club from theNorthern Premier League Division One North which Giggs, Scholes, Butt and the Nevilles all bought a controlling stake in a couple of months ago.

Champions League Play-Offs Draw: Arsenal Square Off Against Besiktas, Celtic To Face Maribor…

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By Chris Wright

As Tweeted by the official Champions League account, here is the official draw for the 2014/15 Champions League play-off round...

Here's the result of the #UCLdraw, as displayed in Nyon. Which tie stands out? pic.twitter.

Football Songs: Young Sunderland Fan ‘Bad Kenzie’ Writes Pop Paean To The Stadium Of Light (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which young urban Sunderland fan Mackenzie Sol, otherwise known by his street name "Bad Kenzie", performs his self-penned paean to his beloved football club and their home, the Stadium of Light.

With his cap turned to a jaunty angle, his baggy Sun'lan shirt on and all his best Blazin' Squad rap moves carefully choreographed, here's Bad Kenzie f**king sh*t upwith"SOL".

Celtic Reinstated To Champions League After Legia Warsaw Expelled For Fielding Ineligible Player

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By Chris Wright

Despite getting their little pink arses paddled over the course of two legs, Celtic have this morning been re-instated to the Champions League after it was found their opponents in the qualifying round, Legia Warsaw, fielded an ineligible player at Murrayfield.

Football Art: Illustrator Hally Ink’s Hand-Drawn Caricatures Of Football Legends Are Cracking Little Things! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Gavin Hall, aka Hallyink(he's on Twitter too, @HallyInk), is an illustrator based in the North-East of England who knocks out these cracking passport photo/football sticker-style caricatures of football legends from a variety of different clubs including his own beloved Hartlepool United.

Sky Sports Cameraman Discovers Perils Of Interviewing A Man On A Lawnmower The Hard Way! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While his colleague Vinny O'Connor was busy grillingOldham's groundsman about the relative merits of reseeding turf before the start of the Football League this weekend, a Sky Sports cameraman known only as "Dave" discovered the innate perils of attempting to get in close on a man sat on a lawnmower with lots of sticky-out bits, and discovered them the hard way.

Football Vine: Claire Lavogez Nets Cracker For France At Women’s U20 World Cup

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By Alan Duffy

What a cracking goal this is. Claire Lavogez was the scorer for France vs. Costa Rica in the Women's U20 World Cup in Canada.

Lavogez bagged a brace in the game as Les Bleus strolled to a 5-1 win, with this strike on 38 minutes the best of the game.

Vine: Robyn

Hull 2-1 Trencin (Agg: 2-1) – Late Aluko Strike Keeps Tigers’ Euro Dream Alive (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-1 AS Trencin (Agg: 2-1) Europa League Qualifier 7th August 2014

A late strike from Sone Aluko kept alive Hull City's hopes of making the Europa League proper after they overcame a gritty Trencin side at the KC Stadium.

The Slovakian side had taken the lead early doors, courtesy of a goal from Tomas Malec, to go 1-0 up on aggregate with a precious away goal to boot.

Everton’s New 2014/15 Third Kit Features Funkadelic Metallic-Effect Purple Shorts (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting the very first image of Everton's new third kit for the upcoming season.

Get your looking gear round those shorts...

Prince would definitely approve! Stone cold funky!

Speaking of Stones, we're not entirely sure what's up with our John's weird creasy knees.

Gareth Bale Is In Ridiculously Good Shape These Days… (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Gareth Bale, as photographed while sunning his guns during a Real Madrid training session earlier today...

Oops. Apologies. Wrong photo.

Here you go...

Absolutely bloody hench. The guy's in decent nick, that's for sure.

Already as fit as a fiddle, Bale'sgot himself lookingRonaldo-levelstacked since leaving Spurs.

Arsene Wenger Sort Of Semi-Confirms Man Utd Have Lodged £10m Bid For Thomas Vermaelen

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has, in a very Wenger-esque roundabout fashion, confirmed that the Gunners have received a couple of £10million bids (that's the figure being reported anyway) for auxiliary centre-back Thomas Vermaelen, one emanating from rumoured suitors Manchester United.

Slightly Over-Competitive Michael Owen Shows He’s Still Got It During Chester FC Training Session (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having toddled down on behalf of BT Sport, Michael Owen joined in with a training session with Chester FC(fun fact: Owen's dad, Terry, played for the club's previous incarnation, Chester City, during the mid-1970′s) this morning and even got himself on the score sheet by rolling back the years, roaring for his team-mates to clear a path, defying his plasticine knee ligaments one last time and sticking away aneat finish inside the far post.

Shit Lookalike: Keylor Navas & Real Madrid Legend Santiago Bernabeu

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By Chris Wright

It's been mooted latelyamong certain Madridista circles that new Real Madrid signing Keylor Navas may actually be the Earthly reincarnation of the club's hallowed founder, Santiago Bernabeu the bloke who built Los Blancos into the powerhouse they are today and after whom their gigantic stadium is named.

Snapshot: PSG Officially Unveil All £50m’s Worth Of David Luiz…

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By Chris Wright

David Luiz has just finished giving his maiden presser for new employers PSG alongside clubpresidentNasser Al-Khelaifi, which culminated in the £50million Brazilian centre-half being given his new No.32 shirt...

.

‘We’re Being Monumentally Stitched Up!’ – Salisbury City’s Anti-FA Rant Might Just Be The Angriest Thing Ever Written!

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By Chris Wright

The glorious Raymond McEnhill Stadium, home of Salisbury City

Despite finishing the 2013/14 Football Conference season in a comfortable mid-table position, Salisbury City found themselvesdemoted to the Conference South in June after missing a league deadline to clear their outstanding debts.

Court Hears West Ham Brat Ravel Morrison ‘Threatened To Throw Acid In Ex-Girlfriend’s Face’

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By Chris Wright

A court has heard today that Ravel Morrison once threatened to throw acid in the face of his ex-girlfriend,Reah Mansoor, as well as threatening her life on multiple occasions.

Morrisonwas initially arrested and charged with two counts of common assault after allegedly punching and slapping Miss Mansoor, 19, and her mother Parveen Mansoor, 39, in the early hours of 27th July in Salford.

Football GIF: Demba Ba Scores First Goal For Besiktas In Textbook ‘Demba Ba’ Style

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By Chris Wright

Like a poisoned horsetaking its finalfumbling steps before dropping dead in the six-yard box, Demba Ba officially got off the mark for Besiktas last night by scoring in the Turkish side's Champions League qualifier against Feyenoord in the most "Demba Ba-ical" way imaginable.

Mesut Ozil Spent His Weekend Tipping Cake Over Innocent Bystanders In Las Vegas Nightclubs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

While the rest of the Arsenal squad spent their dayrepeatedly jogging around London Colney, Mesut Ozil granted extended leave by his clubdue to his extended run at the World Cup was knee-deep in a major rager at a nightclub in Las Vegas.

Earlier in the week, Ozil was invited along as a VIP guest toa club night hosted by apparently famous (and definitely hairy) house DJ Steve Aoki, who documented the pair's evening via a series of photos uploaded to his Instagram account the following day.

New FIFA 15 Trailer Shows Off Every Single Premier League Stadium + Some Fancy Player Face Scans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The good people at EA Sports have releasedanother trailer for FIFA 15 which they're using to show off the inclusion of every single one of next season's 20 Premier League stadiums re-created in the game with a stunningly accurate level ofdetail.

‘I Didn’t See Him’ – Bayern Munich Boss Pep Guardiola Refuses To Shake Hands With MLS Coach After All-Star Game

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By Chris Wright

Pep Guardiola has caused a bit of consternation in MLS circles byvisibly refusing to shake hands with his American counterparts after the All-Stars game in Portlandlast night.

Bayern Munich slumped to a 2-1 defeat, but the catalyst in Guardiola's refusal to offer a sporting handshake was apparently an over-zealous 89th-minute foul that left Bastian Schweinsteiger nursing an ankle injury.

Celtic 0-2 Legia Warsaw (Agg 1-6) – Horrid Hoops Suffer Euro-Crash At Murrayfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 0-2 Legia Warsaw (Agg: 1-6) Champions League Qualifying 6th August 2014

After losing 4-1 away in Poland in the first leg, it was always going to be difficult for Celtic to keep their Champions League hopes alive at Murrayfield.

Frustrated Tottenham Fans Have Pop At Chairman Daniel Levy With Hokey Cokey Parody (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Hardly a work of genius bit it's got enough going for it to warrant a mention on Pies. This video by Spurs fans@tehTrunk and @Billie_T has a gentle go at Lilywhites' chairmanDaniel Levy and his constant tinkering with which has left the club no closer to finally overtaking north London rivals both on and off the pitch.

Daily Mail Accused Of Completely Fabricating Xavi Quote About His ‘Only Career Regret’ – Not Getting To Play Alongside Paul Scholes

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By Chris Wright

"Damn, I wish Scholesy was here to see this"

We thought there was something a little fishy about the story when it was first publishedthis afternoon, but it would appear that the Daily Mail might have ALLEGEDLY fabricated a clutch of quotes attributed to Xavi,in which the newspaper claimed that therecently-retired Barcelona legend's only career regret was not getting to play alongside Paul Scholes at some point.

Football Vine: Claudio Bravo Concedes Howler On His Barcelona Debut

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By Chris Wright

Having signed from Real Sociedad following a decent showing betwixt the sticks with Chile at the World Cup, goalkeeper Claudio Bravo got off to a bit of a nightmare start as far as his Barcelona career is concerned conceding a right old ricket of a clanger of a howler against Napoli in a pre-season friendly when he let Blerim Dzemaili's speculative pop-shot squirm through his mitts like an oily mackerel.

Official: Liverpool Snag Javier Manquillo On Season-Long Loan From Atletico Madrid (First Photos)

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By Chris Wright

The deal is done: former Spain U20 right-back Javier Manquillo has joined Liverpool on a season-long loan deal from La Liga champions Atletico Madrid...

#LFC are pleased to announce the signing of Spanish youth international Javier Manquillo from @Atleti #ManquilloLFC pic.

Howard Webb Announces Retirement From Refereeing After 25 Years In The Officiating Business

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By Chris Wright

"Come on Nigel, in the chest? Seriously?"

After 25 years in the business, Howard Webb has announced that he has hung up his whistle, handed in his cardsand retired from professional refereeing.

Webb retires from active duty just ten days before the start of the Premier League season, but the former copper will still be involved with officiating afterbeingappointed technical director of the Professional Game Match Officials Board.

West Brom Unveil Two New Signings Using Vine, Results Are Cringe-Inducingly Iffy

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By Chris Wright

For reasons best kept to themselves, West Brom decided to officially unveil slightly underwhelming new signing,Australian full-back Jason Davidson,infitting fashion yesterday: with a slightly underwhelming Vine clip posted on their official Twitter account.

Ezequiel Lavezzi Has Some…Ahem…’Intimate’ Photos Leaked, Ashley Cole And Kolo Toure Inevitably Photoshopped In

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By Chris Wright

As you've no doubt seen, Ezequiel Lavezzi has had a batch of...how to put this?..."intimate" photos leaked all over the internet this morning, showing the PSG forward cavorting/romping with an anonymous young lady while wearing a jaunty policeman's hat.

There are far more.

Match Fixers Caught Out By Spanish Authorities After Betting On ‘Phantom’ Fixture That Didn’t Actually Exist

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By Chris Wright

A match-fixing ring have been rumbled by Spanish authorities after a flurry of bets were placed from around the world on a "phantom" fixture that didn't actually exist.

A friendly between Spanish side Ponferradina and Portuguese club Freamunde had originally been scheduled to take on Monday morning, but the fixture was scotcheda couple of weeks ago when it became apparentthat Freamunde were due to play a Portuguese League Cup game the day before.

Cristiano Ronaldo Stars In Weird Japanese Advert For Equally Weird ‘Facial Fitness’ Device (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good morning. I'm Cristiano Ronaldo and I'd like to talk to you about "facial fitness"...

The fact that Ron is shilling the exact same contraption that left him agog on a recent appearance on Japanese television leads us to believe that this is some kind of hoax prank but then again, this is Japanese television we're talking about here.

AIK’s Celso Borges Forced To Borrow And Play In Supporter’s Shirt After Kit Cock-Up

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By Chris Wright

In what may turn out to be his final game for the club, AIK midfielder Celso Borges was forced to borrow a shirt from a fan in the crowd to appear againstIFK Gothenburg in the Swedish league last night.

Borges was originally left out of the matchday squad after AIK received a bid for the Costa Rican international from French club Evian.

Official: Jack Rodwell Joins Sunderland On Five-Year Deal (First Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As has been in the pipeline for a day or so now, Jack Rodwell has officially completed his £10million (at least that's the fee being reported) move from Manchester City to Sunderland, signing a five-year contract at the Stadium of Light.

Here's the first photo of Jack with his new work uniform.

Brazilian Futsal Star Marcio Scores From Distance With Outrageous Backheel Half-Volley Lob (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often we feature futsal here on Pies as most of it is dreadful (it is, and you know it is), but every so often a goal pops up that's worth a second look.

Here we have Marcio, who plays for a club calledMarechal Rondon, scoring an outragerous back-heeled lob half-volley from a fair old distance against opponentsJaragua in theBrazilian futsal league last night.

Horror Hair: Lionel Messi Obviously Asked His Barber For The ‘Kim Jong Il’

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at thestate of that?

"Sweet fade brah"

10 New Premier League Summer Signings To Keep Your Beady Eyes On

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By Chris Wright

With the start of the 2014/15 Premier League season just 11 days, oneminute and 23 seconds away at time of writing, we thought we'd have a shufty at some of the new faces that will be gracing us with their presence this year.

Without further ado, let's dive in.

Snapshot: Arturo Vidal ‘Snubs’ Man Utd With Instagram Photo, Andrea Pirlo Steals The Show Anyway…

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By Chris Wright

It's perhaps inevitably being taken by the tabloid press as a "snubbing of Manchester United", but summer-long United target Arturo Vidal has posted a group photo up on his Instagram which appears to suggest that the Chilean midfielder is perfectly happy where he is at Juventus.

German Ice Hockey Team Limber Up With Slightly Bonkers Game Of ‘Ice Football’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As miscellaneous curios go, this one is quite cool: Limbering up for the new season literally, in fact!

German ice hockey team Wolfsburg Grizzly Adams (yes, that is their name) staged a public training session recentlyinwhich they melded the worlds of ice hockey and football to create a new spliced super-sport: Icehockfuß, or something like that anyway.

Both Peterborough United And Lincoln City Use Team Photos To Continue Mockery Of ‘Lurking’ Ashley Cole

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By Chris Wright

Leaping onto the "Lurking Ashley Cole" gangplank just as the ship is sailing come Peterborough United and Lincoln City (of League One and the Conference respectively), who have both decided to join the likes of Francesco Totti and get in on the act of poking fun at the Romaleft-back via the medium of their 2014/15 team photos.

Man Utd 3-1 Liverpool: United Win Guinness Super Galactic All-Star International Mega Cup After Ending USA Tour Unbeaten (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Louis van Gaal took just 11 days (since his first game in charge) to win his first piece of silverware at Manchester United, with his team beating Liverpool 3-1 in the final of the prestigious Guinness Super Champions Elite Galaxy Power Cup in Miami's Sun Life Stadium to end their pre-season tour of the USA unbeaten.

Charitable Chap: Steven Naismith Donates Everton Tickets To Unemployed People Across Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

Mr Nais Guy

He didn't have to but Everton forward Steven Naismith has paid a little back today by donating a clutch of Everton home tickets to Job Centres across Liverpool as a gesture of goodwill to all those who arecurrently out of work and seeking employment in the city.

Sampdoria Replace Ball Boys With Ball Ladies For Pre-Season Friendly As ‘Contribution Towards Modern Sporting Equality’

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By Chris Wright

Carlo Tavecchio,seen here without foot in mouth for once

As is usually the case for one reason or another, Italian football is currently awash with controversy and ignominy at the moment, largely stirred upby comments made by Italian FA (FIGC) presidential candidateCarlo Tavecchio who recently referred to Serie A's young African players as "banana eaters" and (yep, sadly there's an "and") it coming to light that he had previously referred to female footballers as "physically handicapped" in comparison to male players.

Arsenal 0-1 Monaco: Falcao Shoots Down Gunners In Emirates Cup (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-1 Monaco Friendly 3rd August 2014

Arsenal failed to build on their impressive 5-1 win against Benfica on the first day, instead going down 1-0 to Monaco as Valencia ultimately went on to the win the tournament.

Arsene Wenger played a lot of his big guns, with Olivier Giroud, Laurent Koscielny and Mikel Arteta all starting, with Mathieu Debuchy andAlexis Sanchez making their first starts.

Drogheda United Boss Damien Richardson’s Programme Notes Are A Thing Of Grandiloquent Beauty

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By Alan Duffy

Damien Richardson: Wordsmith

A man known for his rather flamboyant use of the English language, Drogheda United's new boss Damien Richardson has once again staked his claim to be considered at the same literary level as fellow countrymen James Joyce, Flann O'Brien and Oscar Wilde.

Snapshot: Portsmouth Use New 2014/15 Home Shirt To Pay Tribute To WWI Fallen…

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By Chris Wright

Commendably, Portsmouth have used their new home shirt for next season to pay tribute to those who gave their lives in WWI on the 100th anniversary of the outbreak of the war.

Specifically speaking, the club have chosen to honour the men of the "Pompey Pals", i.

Royston Drenthe Invites Random Reading Fans Round To His House For Impromptu FIFA 14 Tournament (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Because he's a big bloody lad, Royston Drenthe posted an open invite to local Reading fans via his Instagram account, chirping: "Anyone who thinks they are good at FIFA14 & is a Reading fan living in reading, like this pic & tomorrow I will choose 4 people to come to mine to play a FIFA14 tournament".

Indecisive Everton Fan Has 10 Players’ Names Put On Back Of His New Shirt In ‘Crossword’ Formation (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Stuck as to which of his Everton heroes to have adorn the back of his new shirt, this Everton fan solved his kit quandary by having the names of ten Toffees players ironed onto the back of his shirt in a specially devised 'crossword' formation...

Why get one name on your shirt, when you can get 10 (and who is Everton's new signing Pjags?

Truly Flawless Diving Header Technique Spotted In German Fourth Tier Game (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

In which striker Christopher Bieber of Bavarian sideWürzburger Kickers displays some truly flawless diving header technique to score at the far post against Wacker Burghausen at the weekend...

Immaculate. Exemplary. Any lower and he'd have been subterranean!

Corinthians’ New Signing Nicolas Lodeiro Prevented From Making Debut After Being Injured By Soap Dish

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By Chris Wright

The word "saga" is overused when it comes to describing football transfers, but there aren't many other waystoadequately describe Nicolas Lodeiro's ridiculously protracted summer move fromBotafogo to Corinthians.

A deal was agreed between the two clubs at the end of May, with Corinthians publicly announcing that Lodeiro had signed a four-year contract with them on May 29th.

Liverpool 2-0 Milan: Allen And Suso On Target As Reds Down Rossoneri (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-0 AC Milan Friendly 2nd August 2013

With Manchester United already through to the final of the International Champions Cup competition, old rivals Liverpool beat Italian Milan 2-0 in Charlotte to set up what should be a cracking final.

Snapshot: This Is How Holland Chose To Present Their New Management Team Of Hiddink, Blind & Van Nistelrooy…

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By Chris Wright

This is how the KNVB introduced the new management team in charge of the Dutch national side: have new coach Guus Hiddink, along with his assistants Danny Blind and Ruud van Nistelrooy, dress up all smart and then squeezethemselves onto a park benchin the middle of a forest somewhere.

FAIL: Micah Richards Cannons Atrocious Penalty Into Orbit As Man City Lose Out To Olympiakos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the game finishing level at 2-2 after 90 minutes, Man City duly lost out on penalties for the second time in the space of four days in Minneapolis as Olympiakos nabbed the shoot-out victory largely thanks to City's ineptitude from the spot.

With James Milner and Scott Sinclair also failing to score, ring-rusty Micah Richards took the concept of the botched penalty to new heights (quite literally!

MARCA Photoshop Image Of Michigan Stadium Crowd To Make It Seem Like More Real Madrid Fans Were In Attendance

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By Chris Wright

Pretty shady stuff from MARCA here, with the staunchly pro-Real Madrid paper allegedly doctoring photos of the record 109,318 crowd that turned up to watch last night's pre-season friendly between Los Blancos and Manchester United in Michigan to make it look like more Madrid fans were in attendance.

Man Utd 3-1 Real Madrid: Red Devils Win Again In Front Of Record US Crowd (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 3-1 Real Madrid Friendly 2nd August 2014

Louis van Gaal's impressive pre-season with Manchester United continued on Saturday night as the Red Devils beat Real Madrid 3-1 in Michigan. The game was attended by a record-breaking 109,318 fans, more than any previous football game in the US.

Arsenal 5-1 Benfica: Yaya Sanogo Scores Four And Alexis Sanchez Debuts As Gunners Romp To Victory In Emirates Cup (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal have just bowled over a largely listlessBenfica side to get themselves off to a corking start in the two-day, four-club pre-season jolly known as the Emirates Cup, with Yaya Sanogo helping himself to four goals despite not managing to score a single competitive goal for the Gunners before this afternoon.

KABOOM! Peruvian Top Flight Game Graced By Thunderously-Struck 25-Yard Own Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With his sideLeon de Huanuco leading by two clear goals against ClubCiencianoin the Peruvian Primera Division last weekend, midfielderFernando Canales decided to shake things up a bit by ramming home a truly astonishly own-goal from about 25 yards...

Landon Donovan Puts On One Hell Of A Puppet Show…

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By Chris Wright

Here's LA Galaxy star Landon Donovan thrilling the kids at theChildren's Hospital in Los Angeles with one hell of a rip-roaring puppet show...

Well, at least someone enjoyed themselves that someone, of course, being LandonDonovan...

Real Madrid Try Their Hands At This New ‘American Football’ Lark While Training At Eastern Michigan University (Video & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What with them training atEastern Michigan University anyways, Real Madrid's players took time out to indulge in the local pastime this newfangled "American Football" lark with Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner with mixed (we're talking 'average to poor') results.

Frank Lampard To Join Man City On Short-Term Loan From New York City

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By Alan Duffy

Well this is rather intriguing! Only a few months after leaving Chelsea, Stamford Bridge legendFrank Lampard is set to return to the Premier League to line out for one of the Blues'biggest rivals.

The veteran midfielder, released by the west Londoners at the end of last season, signed a deal with New York City last month but with the new MLS side not set for action until the start of the new MLS season in March 2015, the 36-year-old has decided to make the most of that time by joining Manuel Pellegrini's squad back in Blighty.

Early Screenshots Show Controversial ‘Luis Suarez Bite’ Function To Be Included In PES 2015 (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

After falling far, far behind FIFA in the footballing console wars, Konami are obviously keen to usher in a whole new influx of realism and playability into PES 2015 - with screenshots of the new "Luis Suarez bite" function emerging online.

Poor old Daryl Janmaat.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Gives Olof Mellberg Rousing Send-Off As ‘Best Swedish Defender Ever’ Announces Retirement

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By Chris Wright

After 18 years spent shoring up defences for the likes of Aston Villa, Olympiakos, Juventus andVillarreal, veteran centre-half Olof Mellberg announced his retirement yesterday at the grand old age of 36 after agreeing to pulp his contract with FC Copehagen.

Snapshot: Roma Legend Francesco Totti Joins In With The ‘Lurking Ashley Cole’ Mockery…

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By Chris Wright

Seems this "lurking Ashley Cole" thing really has legs; really awkward, detached legs; with Roma living legend Francesco Totti even poking fun at the Giallorossi's new recruit as the squad lined up for a photo in their new away kit outside the Philadelphia Museum of Art (where Rocky ran up those steps, yeah?

Instead Of Having No.5 Jersey Retired By Barcelona, Carles Puyol Personally Hand-Picks The Next Man To Wear It…

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By Chris Wright

There were whispers that Barcelona were planning to retire their No.5 jersey as a tribute to recently retired ex-club captain Carles Puyol, who called time on his 19 peerless years at the club at the end of last season.

However, at the personal request of Puyol himself, Barca have reneged on their plans to retire the shirt and instead let the former incumbent of the No.

Krasnodar’s Vladimir Bystrov Provides Huddlestone With Stiff Competition In ‘Europa League Miss Of The Night’ Stakes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Can only apologise to every for a lapse in concentration and thinking I had scored the rebound before I had. Ridiculous on my behalf

— Tom Huddlestone (@Huddz8) July 31, 2014

With Tom Huddlestone feeling it necessary to publicly apologise for his horrendous penalty cock-upagainst FC Trencin, it may warm the Hull midfielder's cockles to learn that it may not have been the worst miss in the Europa League last night withVladimir Bystrov ofKrasnodar pulling a true shocker off when faced with a completely vacant goal against Hungarian sideDiosgyor.

Chelsea Pundit Jason Cundy Has Some SERIOUS Concerns About Vanishing Spray (Video)

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By Chris Wright

WHAT IF IT GETS IN THE GOALKEEPER'S EYES?

What a moron.

Football punditry is eating itself live on screen and we're all letting it happen.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Steps In Generously To Settle Shirt Dispute Between Squabbling Leipzig Teammates

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By Chris Wright

With the club just five years old after being formed on the back of some serious investment from Red Bull back in 2009, RB Leipzig are used to playing the likes ofSV Wacker Burghausen,Preußen Münster and both Borussia Dortmund and VfB Stuttgart's second stringsin the German third tier so when PSG and Zlatan rolled in to town for a friendly yesterday evening, it was understandably a big deal for the Leipzig players.