Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2014

Liverpool 4-0 Tottenham – Reds Go Top After Lilywhites Crumble On Merseyside (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 4-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 30th March

Liverpool moved a top the Premier League table after hammering a dismal Spurs side at Anfield. An early Younes Kaboul OG set the tone for Tottenham's performance, with goals from Luis Suarez, Philippe Coutinho and Jordan Henderson completing the rout.

Fulham 1-3 Everton – Toffees Keep Champions League Dream Alive And Kicking (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-3 Everton Premier League 30th March 2014

Everton kept their Champions League hopes well and truly alive after winning 3-1 at Craven Cottage on Sunday. In the first-half the home side had created the better chances, with French youngster Moussa Dembele (not the Belgian one!

Football Vine: Frustrated Chelsea Boss Jose Mourinho Has Word In Ear Of Crystal Palace Ballboy

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By Alan Duffy

Frustrated by his side's poor performance at Selhurt Park on Saturday, what was poor Mou to do?! Well, after he spotted one of the Crystal Palace ballboys apparently being slow to give the ball back to Cesar Azpilicueta, Mourinho rushed over to the youngster in question and gave him a bit of a dressing down.

Chris Waddle Persistently Calls Ashley Young “Ashley Cole” During TV Commentary (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ah yes, let the Andre Marriner jokes begin. Chris Waddle, not the most incisive of pundits at the best of times, got his Ashley's in a twist on Saturday during the TV commentary of Manchester United's game against Aston Villa. During the game, the former England winger called Ashley Young "Ashley Cole" on numerous occasions.

Arsenal 1-1 Man City – Gunners Battle Back To Hold Citizens At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-1 Manchester City Premier League 29th March 2014

Arsenal's slimmest of title hopes were kept alive on Saturday after the Gunners came from a goal down to earn a draw against Manchester City at the Emirates. The visitors were the much better side in the first period and were rewarded for their lightning quick counter-attacking play with a goal from the superb David Silvaafter Lukas Podolski had given the ball away.

Southampton 4-0 Newcastle – J-Rod Double Helps Saints To Easy Win Against Mediocre Mapgies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 4-0 Newcastle United Premier League 29th March 2014

Southampton's English attacking trio tore Newcastle apart on Saturday at St. Mary's, with Jay Rodriguez netting a brace and both Rickie Lambert and Adam Lallana also getting on the scoresheet.

Crystal Palace 1-0 Chelsea – John Terry Own-Goal Dents Blues’ Title Challenge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 1-0 Chelsea Premier League 29th March 2014

A second-half John Terry own-goal gave Crystal Palace a well-deserved win at Selhurst Park on Saturday. Although the Eagles' goal came courtesy of a JT error, the south Londoners were the better side throughout, not letting the Blues settle and providing a considerable goal-threat themselves throughout.

Man Utd 4-1 Aston Villa – Red Devils Fly Flag For David Moyes With Impressive Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester 4-1 Aston Villa Premier League 29th March 2014

Despite the pre-game 'Moyes Out' banner which flow over Old Trafford before kick-off, David Moyes oversaw an impressive win against Aston Villa. Wayne Rooney netted a brace while goals from Juan Mata and Javier Hernandez gave the Old Trafford faithful much to be positive about.

Snapshot: Disgruntled Man Utd Fans Fly ‘Moyes Out’ Banner Over Old Trafford

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By Alan Duffy

Seeing a banner calling for your sacking is hardly going to give you a boost of confidence is it? However, poor old David Moyes was forced to endure the banner ahead of Manchester United's game against Aston Villa. The banner was greeted with boos from the Old Trafford faithful but one wonders if the 'Chosen One' will ever be a real success at Old Trafford.

Valencia’s Seydou Keita Scores Fastest Goal In La Liga History vs Almeria: 7.6 Seconds And In! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're not entirely sure if it's been officially verified, but it is thought that Valencia's Seydou Keita (once of Barcelona) may now be able to lay claim to having scored the fastest goal in La Liga history after taking just 7.6 seconds to break down Almeria's really rather pitiful defences last night.

Copa Libertadores: Riot Police Forced To Intervene As San Lorenzo Players Attack Referee After Conceding 95th Minute Penalty…

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By Chris Wright

Riot police were forced to storm the pitch and intervene at the end of last night's Copa Libertadores game betweenIndependiente del Valle of Ecuador and San Lorenzo of Argentina, when the visitors took umbrage at a penalty awarded to the hosts in the 95th-minute.

Bottle It: Inter Milan Coach Walter Mazzari Finds Odd Way To Channel His Frustration (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With his ailing side held to a goalless draw at home against Udinese last night (thanks largely to a heroic display from Udinese's 17-year-old goalkeeperSimone Scuffet), Inter Milan coach Walter Mazzari found a novel way to channel his frustrations on the touchline.

On Sale Now: Swedish Postal Service Officially Release Set Of Five Zlatan Ibrahimovic Stamps

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By Chris Wright

Rejoice, for the Swedish Postal Service (Posten) has today finally released the set of Zlatan Ibrahimovic stamps that they first promised the world back in November of last year.

Speaking to the TT news agency,Posten's head of stamps (now there's a job title!

Loan Shark: Fiorentina’s Alessandro Matri Ducks Out Of Freekick Wall Against Parent Club AC Milan (GIF & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Many-an eyebrow was raised quizzically over in Serie A last night when Fiorentina loanee Alessandro Mastri appeared to duck out of the defensive wall while supposedly keeping a free-kick against his parent club at bay.

Matri struggled to make any headway at Milan following a high-profile move from Juventus last summer and was loaned to Fiorentina for six months back in January 2014 though, looking in from the outside, it seems his loyalties may still be slightly split.

Ivica Olic Hesitant To Join Stoke City For Fear Of Long-Ball Tactics Hurting His Neck

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By Chris Wright

Supposed long-term Stoke City target Ivica Olic has joked (presumably) that he is hesitant to join the club for fear of suffering a neck injury caused by their long-ball tactics.

Croatian veteran Olic, currently of Wolfsburg but out of contract at the end of the season, apparently met with Stoke boss Mark Hughes to discuss a potential move to the Britannia, but felt he needed to voice concerns over the club's supposedly rudimentary style of play.

West Ham 2-1 Hull – Hammers Make Hard Work Of Win Against 10-Man Tigers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-1 Hull City Premier League 26th March 2014

West Ham's fans may have booed their side at the end of an eventful game at the Boleyn Ground, but the three points gained on the night by the home side sees them a comfortable nine points above the drop-zone.

Man Utd Fans Start Fund-Raising Campaign To Fly Silly Anti-Moyes Banner Over Old Trafford

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By Chris Wright

*artist's representation

A group of surly Manchester United fans are trying to raise enough money to hire a plane to fly over Old Trafford during Saturday's game against Aston Villa towing an anti-David Moyes banner behind it.

Ah, the ol' plane banner shtick.

Liverpool 2-1 Sunderland – Reds Keep The Heat On Chelsea After Another Anfield Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Sunderland Premier League 26th March 2014

A fine free-kick from Steven Gerrard in the first-half and a goal from in-form striker Daniel Sturridge soon after the re-start secured a vital victory for Liverpool against Sunderland, a results which sees the Reds keep the heat on league-leaders Chelsea.

Snapshot: Non-League Side Westfield FC Announce Completion Of Their Brilliant New Stand…

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By Chris Wright

Westfield FC, of Surrey and the Combined Counties Premier League, took to Twitter recently to announce the grand opening of the brand new grandstand at their Woking Park home ground and a bloody monster it is too!

New stand completed pic.

‘I Can’t Quite Believe It!’ – Sam Allardyce Left Utterly Perplexed After West Ham Fans Boo Victory Over Hull City

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By Chris Wright

Despite winning the game 2-1, West Ham fans vociferously booed their side as they plodded to a victory against ten-man Hull City last night a result that was by no means easy on the eye but still managed to hoist the Hammers into 11th place in the table, some nine points above the dotted line of doom with seven games left to play.

UEFA To Launch New ‘Nations League’ European Tournament In 2018, Set To Replace Most International Friendlies

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By Chris Wright

Quite what Ian Hislop has to do with any of this, we're not sure...

In a bid to replace some of the slew of pointless international friendlies that currently clutter the footballing calendar with something a little more meaningful, UEFA have hatched a plan to launch a new "League of Nations" tournament for European international sides.

Kaizer Chiefs’ Simphiwe Mtsweni Slots Home Beautifully Nonchalant Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A polite round of gentlemanly golf applause is definitely due to Kaizer Chiefs defender Simphiwe Mtsweni, who caressed a beautifully composed, nonchalant shot past his own 'keeper after finding himself completely unmarked at the far post during his side's 2-1 win over FC Buffalo in the Nedbank Cup last night.

Stadio Della Roma: AS Roma Share Impressive Plans For New Razzle Dazzle £250m Stadium (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Roma are the latest club to unveil their plans for a brand new 52,500-seater stadium, provisionally called the "Stadio della Roma", with which they hope to replace the Stadio Olimpico the club's home for the last 60-odd years, bar the one season they played at theStadio Flaminio, home of the Italian national rugby side, while the Stadio Olimpico was being tarted up for the 1990 World Cup.

Nigel Reo-Coker Injured After Tripping Over Bike Rack While Walking Around Vancouver

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By Chris Wright

Vancouver Whitecaps are going to have to do without Nigel Reo-Coker for the next few days after the former Aston Villa midfielder lost out in a tussle with an inanimate bike rack while pootling around the Canadian city on Sunday.

Wonderfully described as an "off-field walking accident" by the official MLS site, Reo-Coker reportedly tripped over the bike rack and suffered a "nasty gash" to his face therefore making him an injury doubt ahead of the Whitecaps' game againstHouston Dynamo this coming Saturday.

‘I Was Drinking Hard Liquor, Doing Cocaine And Hiding In Cupboards’ – Claus Lundekvam Opens Up About Post-Retirement Struggles

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By Chris Wright

In an astonishingly frank and stark interview with The Blizzard quarterly football magazine (an extract of which appears in today's Guardian), former Southampton captain Claus Lundekvam has opened up about the various struggles he's lived through since his retirement from football in 2008, admitting that an all-encompassing addiction to alcohol and cocaine almost killed him.

Torino’s Ciro Immobile Watches The Ball Come An Awful Long Way Before Dispatching Perfect Volley vs Roma (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In almost, dare we say, Di Natale-esque fashion, Torino striker Ciro Immobile had to watch the ball travel an awfully loooooooong way before catching his volley perfectly to send a shot back across Roma 'keeper Morgan De Sanctis to cancel out Mattia Destro's opener.

Let’s Hear It For…Bayern Munich: All-Conquering, Record-Annihilating Bundesliga Champions!

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By Chris Wright

It's been a foregone conclusion for months and months given their long-standing and seemingly unassailable 25(ish) point lead over Borussia Dortmund at the summit, but, without losing a single game, Bayern Munich wrapped up the Bundesliga title last night with a routine 3-1 victory over Hertha Berlin toppling several big records in the process.

Leicester City ‘Keeper Kasper Schmeichel Leaps Like A Big, Blonde, Danish Salmon To Score Late Equaliser vs Yeovil (Video)

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By Chris Wright

...sort of, anyway.

Emulating his old man's exploits against once upon a time, Leicester City goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel popped up in the box to score a late, 90th-minute equaliser for the Foxes against Yeovil last night.

The goal was actually credited to striker Chris Wood, who nodded in the rebound but, as can clearly be seen in the following snippet, Schmeichel's cavaliering header crossed the line in its own right.

Football Vine And Video: Ross Barkley Scores Solo Wonder Goal For Everton Against Newcastle

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By Alan Duffy

One of a much-needed group of technically gifted young English players, Everton's Ross Barkley did his chances of getting on the plane to Brazil in the summer no harm at all with this fine solo dribbling wonder-goal. Although what in the Lord's name were the Newcastle defenders up to?

Newcastle 0-3 Everton – Toffees Eye Europe After Solid Win At St. James Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-3 Everton Premier League 25th March 2014

With Arsenal stumbling above them in the table, Everton are still in with a chance of bagging a fourth Champions League spot and after their superb win at St. James' Park on Tuesday night, the Toffees will looking forward to their upcoming clash with the Gunners at Goodison Park.

Arsenal 2-2 Swansea – Flamini OG Adds To Woe For Wenger & Co. (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-2 Swansea City Premier League 25th March 2014

It may have taken an extremely unlucky Mathieu Flamini goal at the death to secure a 2-2 draw for visitors Swansea at the Emirates, but a share of the spoils was the least the Welsh side deserved on the night.

Man Utd 0-3 Man City – Dzeko Bags Brace As Noisy Neighbours Silence Red Devils Once Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 0-3 Manchester City Premier League 25th March 2014

A first-minute goal from Edin Dzeko set the tone for this one-sided Manchester derby, with the home side struggling to match a rampant City side. David Silva was outstanding for the visitors, while United's very own Spanish schemer Juan Mata failed to make his mark on the game.

Corinthians ‘Sign’ Young Footballer With Down’s Syndrome Who Films His Excellent VIP Experience With GoPro Camera (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To mark World Down's Syndrome Day (which was actually last Friday), Brazilian side Corinthians "signed"Caio Tadeu Batista, a young footballer with Down's Syndrome, and invited him down to their headquarters to take part in a really quite brilliant VIP day out.

Top 5 Sunday League FAILs On Youtube (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Inspired by this piece of Panenka penalty wizardry from the Irish amateur leagues, Pies have been dutifully scouring Youtube to bring you our five favourite magisterial Sunday League botches.

5. Jamie misses a sitter.

Irish Amateur Fluffs Embarrassing Panenka Penalty, Attempts To Claim It Was ‘Sportsmanship’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Last weekend saw the huge derby clash between amateur sides Swords Celtic and Lorcan Celticin the town of Swords, just outside Dublin.

Swords Celtic walked the game, but also managed to provide the howler of the match when, at 4-0 up and having just won a dubious penalty, Swords forward Mark O'Brien got overly cocky and attempted a bit of misguided fancy-pantsery with a Panenka penalty.

Brazilian Young’n Dribbles Entire Length Of The Pitch To Score Knackering Solo Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in the Campeonato Potiguar (the regional Brazilian league for the state of Rio Grande do Norte), America RN beat table-toppers Globo to take themselves into second in the standings courtesy of a goal apiece from youngsters Dener and Arthur Maia the latter's being a thing of true, super direct beauty.

Shakira Releases Brazil 2014 World Cup Song ‘La La La’ As Gibberish Follow-Up To ‘Waka Waka’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Today, it's been announced that Shakira, for the second tournament running, is releasing an official song for the upcoming World Cup in Brazil this summer.

Unless Shakira is just releasing this off her own back there must presumably be two official songs being cobbled together for Brazil 2014, as FIFA have already confirmed that Pitbull (feat.

AFC Wimbledon Claw Back From 0-2 Down To Score Three Goals In Space Of 127 Seconds Against Cheltenham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Blink and you'll likely miss at least a couple of goals at Kingsmeadow

In what we believe our Yank brethren may refer to as a "blitz play" or some such, AFC Wimbledon somehow managed to come back from being 0-2 down at home against Cheltenham in League Two on Saturday afternoon to find themselves 3-2 up in the space of 127 seconds scoring a threesome of quick-fire goals in the 69th, 70th and 71st minute to overturn the deficit.

Snapshot: David Beckham Unveils Swanky Plans For New 25,000-Seater Miami Stadium…

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By Chris Wright

David Beckham, with a little help from Miami-based architects Arquitectonica, has finally dropped the rendered stadiums plans for his proposed MLS franchise which he and his people are hoping to construct slap bang on the water in the PortMiami section of the town, just across the street from Miami Heat's AmericanAirlines Arena.

Top 12 Inane Michael Owen Commentary Quotes

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By Chris Wright

The collective sigh of a nation was palpable when BT Sports announced that Michael Owen was joining their team in co-commentator capacity at the beginning of the season, as subscribers suddenly realised that they were in for at least a season's worth of beige footballing clichés and banal, perfunctory observations from a man who more or less talks in binary code.

Snapshot: Who’s The Juankar In The Green?

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By Chris Wright

Joining fellow esteemed "footballers with rude names" alumni like Fabian Assman, Michael Gash,David Goodwillie,Argelico Fucks,Andre Muff,Ralf Minge, Danny Shittu, Paul Dickov, Rod Fanni, Anil Koc, Dean Windass,Segar Bastard,Brian Pinasand the immortal Stefan Kuntz, it's this Juankar.

Arsenal Fans Make Pithy Online ‘Gibbs Or Ox?’ Game To Test Andre Marriner’s Powers Of Deduction

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By Chris Wright

Hats off to the Arsenal fan(s) responsible for being incredibly quick off the mark in setting up a little online game named "Gibbs or Ox?" which is directly aimed at Premier League referee Andre Marriner after the blundering official managed to get the two players confused at the weekend.

Sky Germany Host Jessica Kastrop Gets Hit On Head By Stray Football At Pitchside…Again! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Back in 2010, Sky Germany host Jessica Kastrop briefly "went viral" when a stray (some say deliberate) hoof fromKhalid Boulahrouz almost knocked her kopf off as she attempted to provide the pre-game spiel ahead of Stuttgart's game against Mainz.

The worst part was that everybody at home watching could see the inbound ball was directly on course to hit Kastrop long before she or pundit Fredi Bobic did.

Nautico Defender Izaldo Scores Suspiciously Rubbish Own-Goal At Second Attempt vs Santa Cruz (GIF & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that we'd ever accuse a professional of throwing a game without any evidence but, safe to say, if Nautico defender Izaldo didn't do this deliberately (against rival club Santa Cruz, no less) then he really should just give up this football lark and join the circus instead.

Real Madrid 3-4 Barcelona: All The Best Photos And Highlights From A Classic El Clasico

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi scored a hat-trick to pass the great Alfredo Di Stefano to become El Clasico's all-time top goalscorer on 19 goals and keeper Barcelona's dwindling La Liga title tilt alive as the Catalans pipped Real Madrid 3-4 in a pulsating showcase fixture at the Bernabeu which had a little something for everyone.

Robert Lewandowski Weaves Through Hannover Defence To Score, Jurgen Klopp Launches Into Fist Pump Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've been waiting since Saturday to get our hands on the official video for this one. Hopefully the wait was worth it.

Dortmund beat Hannover 3-0 in the Bundesliga with Robert Lewandowski scoring the pick of the goals picking the ball up on his lonesome in the Hannover half before making his way into the area from the half-way line, weaving inside past a clutch of defenders and sticking the ball past the 'keeper.

Football Vine: Cesc Fabregas And Pepe Perform Awful Double Face-Grab Dive During El Clasico Flashpoint

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By Chris Wright

At time of writing we're at half-time in El Clasico with Real Madrid and Barcelona level-pegging at two goals apiece, with Cesc Fabregas and Pepe suffering a vicious double KO during a goalmouth squabble in the aftermath of Lionel Messi's 42nd-minute equaliser.

Estonian Team Celebrate Derby Goal With Carefully Choreographed ‘Ten Pin Bowling’ Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the big Tallinn derby over in the Meistriliiga, i.e, the Estonian top flight, yesterday as Nomme Kalju met with rivals (and current league leaders) FC Flora.

Kalju's Hidetoshi Wakui opened the scoring after 20 minutes with a neat goal and then celebrated with an equally spectacular striker, quite literally, as the Japanese midfielder plucked the ball from the Flora net and used it to bowl over the rest of his team-mates in the corner.

‘Oh, Wow Wazza!’ – Hull City Boss Steve Bruce Interrupts Own Press Conference To Show Journos Wayne Rooney’s Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Cracking moment from yesterday here, in which Hull City manager Steve Bruce becomes momentarily dumbstruck during his own post-WBA press conference after catching a glimpse of Wayne Rooney's half-way line super humper of a goal against West Ham on the television at the back of the KC Stadium's press room.

Orlando Engelaar Trumps Wayne Rooney, Scores From Own Half vs Central Coast Mariners (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

In which Melbourne Heart midfielder Orlando Engelaar (remember him?) gets things under way against Central Coast Mariners by scoring an absolute monster from inside his own half without the ball so much as bouncing even once...

Sadly we're left to report that Engelaar's goliath goal counted for zilcho at the end of the game, with the Mariners coming from behind to seal a 1-2 victory.

Tottenham Send Jermain Defoe ‘Good Luck’ Message By Hiring Out Toronto FC’s Advertising Boards (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having already scored twice on his maiden MLS outing last week to continue his streak of scoring on every single debut he's made for every club he's ever represented, it doesn't look like Jermain Defoe is going to need much in the way of luck at FC Toronto.

Either way, the striker's old club, Tottenham, sought to wish Defoe the best of luck in his new venture by sending him a message via the advertising boards during his home debut for the Canadian sideat BMO Field against DC United yesterday.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer Delivers Truly Immense Post-Match Interview After Liverpool Pasting (Video)

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By Chris Wright

(Vine: Pete Allison)

Wayne Rooney Scores Astonishing Half-Way Line Honker vs West Ham (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With the English patron saint of half-way line goals, David Beckham, sat watching the game in the stands at Upton Park, Wayne Rooney opened the scoring for Manchester United against West Ham with an astonishing long-range effort from just inside the Hammers' half.

Football GIF: Daniel Sturridge Feeds Luis Suarez With Tricky Dicky Backheel Assist vs Cardiff City

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By Chris Wright

Daniel Sturridge put one on a gilded platter for Luis Suarez with a cute little back-heel across the Cardiff City area during Liverpool's impressive 6-3 demolition job this afternoon...

Bit of debate among the Pies' knitting circle as to whether or not The Studger intended the flick as a pass to Suarez or whether it was more of a "try it and hope for the best" kind of affair but, after all, it matters not.

Football Vine: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Tells Andre Marriner “It Was Me” As Ref Still Sends Off Kieran Gibbs For Handball

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By Alan Duffy

Hardly the way Arsene Wenger would have wanted to celebrate his 1000th game in charge of Arsenal, was it? 4-0 down at half-time and with 10 men, it was a disastrous start for the Gunners. However, the biggest talking point was referee Andre Marriner's decision to send off Kieran Gibbs for apparently stoping a shot with his hands.

All English Games To Kick-Off Seven Minutes Late On Weekend April 11-14 In Tribute To Hillsborough Tragedy

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By Chris Wright

It has been announced that, as a mark of respect on the 25th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, that every single football match in thePremier League, Football League, Football Conference and the FA Cup semi-final between Wigan and Arsenal will kick-off seven minutes later than usual.

Look What Coventry City Boss Steven Pressley Is Doing These Days… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A decade ago he was lifting consecutive Scottish Cups as captain and vice-captain of Hearts and Celtic respectively.

Now Steven Pressley is mainly doing this...

"Official back of shirt sponsor"?

*Gip*

(Via Football Ramble)

Baila Conmigo: Real Madrid Young’n Jese Rodriguez Has A Rap Song, Features Namecheck For Pies (Video)

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By Chris Wright

How we've made it this far without knowing is beyond us, but it would appear that Real Madrid's brightest young thing, Jese Rodriguez, does a bit of a sideline in Spanish rap even releasing a song with Big Flow called "Baila Conmigo", or "Dance with Me"...

Sadly, Jese fnargled (if you'll excuse the medical jargon) his cruciate ligament against Schalke on Tuesday night and is more than likely to miss the rest of Real's season which is a huge shame, as that will presumably free his up to make more of this garbage!

Champions League Quarter-Final Draw: Man Utd Stuck With Bayern Munich, Chelsea Drawn Against PSG

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By Chris Wright

The draw for the Champions League quarter-finals has just taken place in and the results look like this...

Barcelona vs Atletico Madrid

Real Madrid vs Borussia Dortmund

Paris St Germain vs Chelsea

Man Utd vs Bayern Munich

All ties are to be played on1st/2nd April and 8th/9th April.

Next Goal Wins: Brilliant New Documentary About American Samoa, ‘The Worst Football Team In The World’ (Trailer)

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By Chris Wright

American Samoa were infamously tonked 31-0 by Australia in a World Cup qualifier back in 2001, with Aussiestriker Archie Thompson scoring 13 of the goals an international record that still stands to this day.

The loss saw American Samoa officially become the 'worst team in the world' in the FIFA rankings.

Football GIF: Andrea Pirlo Spins His Peerless Freekick Magic Once Again vs Fiorentina

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By Chris Wright

Juventus beat Fiorentina in the Europa League to send their Serie A brethren packing and waltz into the quarter finals with Andrea Pirlo, once again, scoring the Old Lady's only goal of the game with a sublime top corner.

Just check out the behind-the-goal camera angle on this second GIF.

Ray Parlour Reveals Kolo Toure Sealed His Arsenal Move By Two-Footing Henry, Bergkamp And Wenger During His Trial!

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By Chris Wright

"He's a WRECKING MACHINE!!!"

Here we have The Romford Pele regaling TalkSPORT with an anecdote about fellow ex-Arsenal Invincible Kolo Toure's trial with the club in late 2001, in which the nervous 20-year-old sealed his move from Ivorian clubIvorian side ASEC Mimosasto Highbury despite or rather, because- he spent his first training session launching into a manic series of two-footed tackles of the likes of Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp and, of course, Arsene Wenger.

Shit Football Ink: Genoa’s Daniele Portanova Has A New Belly Tattoo – One Naff ‘Stick Figure’ For Each Club He’s Played For…

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By Chris Wright

Already heavily inked elsewhere about his person, Genoa captain Daniele Portanova has come up with a novel way to keep track of all the clubs he's represented over the years, having a frankly grotesque tattoo of six stick figures etched across his hairless belly each one wearing the strip of one of the six teams he's played for since turning pro in 1996.

Retro Football: Feel Irie With Ruud Gullit’s Reggae Classic ‘Not The Dancing Kind’, 1984 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Did you know that, at the peak of his powers, Ruud Gullit indulged in his love of reggae and released a kind of calypso-tinged, Billy Ocean-esque single called "Not The Dancing Kind" in 1984 (during his Feyenoord days) in his native Holland.

Such was Ruud's popularity at the time that the record actually made it into the Top 10 in the Netherlands and it's not hard to see why.

More Man Utd Murmurs Leaked: Member Of David Moyes’ Coaching Staff Nicknamed ‘F**k Off’ By Players

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By Chris Wright

On the back of this week's alleged revelations that old-heads Ryan Giggs and Rio Ferdinand are being irked by their new coaching regime at Manchester United, there are more murmurings afoot today; with it being reported by Daniel Taylor in the Guardian that one of David Moyes' coaching staff members has been nicknamed "F**k off " by certain United players because that is usually their initial response upon hearing his instructions.

Cruz Azul Score ‘Team Goal Of The Year’ With Brilliant Triple Header Build-Up Play (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After beating them 1-0 in the first leg, MLS side Sporting KC thundered out of the CONCACAF Champions League last night by losing 5-1 against Cruz Azul in the second leg, with the Mexican side rubbing salt into the wound by scoring one of the finest team goals we've seen in a good long while their fifth and final goal of the evening.

Eden Hazard Shares Picture Of His Bloody, Ravaged Ankles Following Galatasaray Game (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

In the same way the Cristiano Ronaldo once sought to document the shredding his ankles took during a game against Dinamo Zagreb a couple of years back, Chelsea winger Eden Hazard posted a photo of his ripped socks and ragged, blooded ankles to his official Instagram account following Tuesday night's win over Galatasaray.

Champions League: Man Utd 3-0 Olympiakos (Agg: 3-2) – RVP Hat-Trick Lifts Old Trafford Gloom (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 3-0 Olympiakos (Agg: 3-2) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 19th March 2014

They may struggle to go much further in the competition, but Manchester United's 3-0 Champions League win against Olympiakos has least brough some cheer to the rather gloomy Theatre of Dreams.

Champions League: Dortmund 1-2 Zenit (Agg: 5:4) – Borussia Battle Through Despite Defeat In Germany (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Borussia Dortmund 1-2 Zenit St. Petersburg (Agg: 5-4) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 19th March 2014

Germans giants Dortmund produced a less-than-impressive display at home to Zenit on Wednesday, going down 2-1 in Germany. However, the home side still progressed thanks to their first-leg 4-2 win a few weeks back.

Football GIF: Hulk Absolutely Leathers One In From 25 Yards As Zenit Almost Oust Dortmund

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By Chris Wright

Chasing down a 2-4 defecit from the first leg, Zenit managed to beat Dortmund 2-1 at home to come within a smidgen of squirrelling their way through to the quarters Hulk getting the ball rolling with a 25-yard behemoth in the 15th minute...

'Hulk smash' and all that.

Horror Hair: Olympiakos’ Paulo Machado Besmirches His Upper Lip With Sleazy Pornstache

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By Chris Wright

That moustache just screams "sexual misadventure".

(Photos via @BeardEric, @Sam__Mtzand@adamduerson)

Shit Lookalikes: Antonio Valencia’s Black Eye Against Olympiakos & Rocky Balboa

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By Chris Wright

That's quite a welt you've got yourself there...

If Rocky's not floating you boat, then feel free to swap in Will Smith's allergic reaction face in Hitch...

Or, indeed, Sloth from the Goonies...

Pies’ Top 10 Favourite Spanish Football Phrases

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By Chris Wright

Again, no need for a blurb here; it's a bit of a Ronseal article so let's start where we mean to begin, shall we?

10.GOOOOOL GOL GOL GOL GOOOOOOOL!!!: Because, y'know...

9. Pintalo de amarillo: i.e, "paint him yellow" asking for a player to be cautioned.

Copa Libertadores: Universidad De Chile ‘Keeper Johnny Herrera Scores Winning Goal With His First Ever Penalty Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Universidad de Chile (of Chile, believe it or not) beat their Peruvian opponentsReal Garcilaso by a single goal to nil in the Copa Libertadores last night, with their goalkeeper Johnny Herrera popping up to score the only goal of the night from the penalty spot to send his side to the top of their group.

Football Vine: Drogba Clatters Truly Terrible Freekick Into Stamford Bridge Upper Tier, Hits His Own ‘Legend’ Banner

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By Chris Wright

Didier Drogba's big return to Chelsea last night with Galatasaray saw the evening take on a faint "testimonial" kind of air, with hugs and kisses being thrown around willy-nilly both before and after the game much to the seething annoyance of Roy Keane, which is never a bad thing in our book.

24 Cracking Photos Arsene Wenger’s First Year In Charge Of Arsenal

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By Chris Wright

On the eve of his 1,000th game in charge of Arsenal (against Chelsea next weekend), we thought we'd have a little look at how Arsene Wenger faired in his very first year at Highbury having joined the club in the summer of 1996, single-handedly dragging hiccuping oafs like Tony Adams and Paul Merson out of the middle ages and kick-starting a revolution in English football culture, micro-management and professionalism in the process.

Snapshot: Road Sign Outside Old Trafford Warns Man Utd Fans To ‘Expect Defeat’ Against Olympiakos

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By Chris Wright

Spotted yesterday in Salford, just few minutes up the road from Old Trafford, before Manchester United's game against Olympiakos tonight...

Yep, even theHighway Services department are having a go!

Everyone's a bloody critic.

Stat Attack: David Moyes’ Managerial Record This Year Is Almost Identical To His Record At This Point Last Year

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By Chris Wright

It has been noted by some statistician somewhere that David Moyes' managerial record as taken at this point in both 2013/14 with Manchester United and in 2012/13 with Everton make for remarkably similar viewing, witha mere +1 goal difference this year being the only thing to differentiate between the two.

Champions League: Real Madrid 3-1 Schalke (Agg: 9-2) – Ronaldo Bags Another Brace As Real Shoot Down Schalke (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Real Madrid 3-1 FC Schalke 04 Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg (Agg: 9-2) 18th March 2014

Already 6-1 up from the first leg, Real Madrid produced another impressive display to beat Schalke 3-1 at the Bernabeu and comfortably ease into the last right of the Champions League.

Champions League: Chelsea 2-0 Galatasaray (Agg: 3-1) – No Drogba Drama As Blues Cruise Into Last Eight (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Galatasaray Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg (Agg: 3-1) 18th March 2014

Didier Drogba failed to inflict any damage on his former club at Stamford Bridge on Tuesday night, with the striker's Galatasaray well beaten by the home side.

20 More Beautiful Vintage Photos Of Goalkeepers In Flight

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By Chris Wright

Given that it's been a bit of a slow, pre-Champions League kind of day in the football world today, we've had a troll back through the Pies archives in search of a bit of inspiration and, seeing as these seemed to be very popular last time, we thought we'd bring you 20 (again, don't count them!

Man Utd Board Rumoured To Have Discussed Prospect Of Sacking David Moyes For First Time

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By Chris Wright

David Moyes: It never rains...

It would appear that the prospect of Manchester United sacking David Moyes as their manager may have been brought up at boardroom level for the first time following their embarrassing 3-0 home defeat against Liverpool on Sunday.

Shock Horror! World Cup 2022 Investigation Reveals Ex-FIFA Vice President Jack Warner Paid Millions By Qatari Company Linked To Bid Process

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By Chris Wright

Position yourselves over your Victorian fainting couches people, for this is going to come as quite a shock.

Documents released pertaining to an investigation carried out into the bidding process for the 2022 Qatar World Cup appear to show that former FIFA vice president Jack Warner and members of his family was paid millions of pounds by a Qatari company controlled byex-Asian Football Confederation president Mohammed bin Hammam.

Petr Cech Limbers Up For Galatasaray Clash With Intense Tennis Ball Training Drill (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In an impressive display of hand-to-eye co-ordination, Chelsea had Petr Cech limber up for tonight's Champions League second-legger against Galatasaray with an intensely complicated, multi-ball handling drill which saw three of the club's goalkeeping coaches pelt both footballs and tennis balls at him from all angles while he performed a commendable juggling act.

Adidas Commemorate Lionel Messi Becoming Barcelona’s Top Scorer By Making Him Some Suitably Flashy Rhinestone Boots (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

To mark their man passing Pablo Alcantara and sashaying his way to the summit of Barcelona's all-time top goalscorer list at the weekend, Adidas have produced a bespoke, limited edition, sequin-coated boot for Lionel Messi which will be available in a limited batch of just 371 pairs one for each of his record-breaking goals for Barca.

Keira Knightley Thinks Gary Neville’s Commentary Is, And We Quote, ‘Just F**king Amazing’

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By Chris Wright

Since making his post-retirement move into the meeja, Gary Neville has, quite rightly, been festooned with plaudits for his sensible, passionate and intelligent punditry for Sky Sports, almost instantly accruing himself a phalanx of appreciative fans one of which is actress Keira Knightly, who's world has apparently been rocked by The Nev's insight and tactical astuteness.

Snapshot: Mexican Side Atletico Celaya Protest Unpaid Wages By Posing For Team Photo With Bags Over Their Heads…

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By Chris Wright

Times are hard at Mexican side Atletico Celaya at the moment, with the brassic Liga de Ascensoclub failing to pay their players for the past two months.

In protest, the entire team decided to pose for their pre-match photo before their recent game against CF Merida with paper bags over their heads, on whichsome players had drawn dollar signs and written slogans such as "Paga me" ("Pay me").

Fair Play FAIL: Dopey Italian Keeper Tests Opponents’ Generosity By Dropping God-Awful Clanger (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sadly it emerged slightly too late for inclusion on our recent run-down of football's finest fair play failuresbut, over in the Italian Serie D last weekend, the game between Fersina Perginese and Dro Calcio played host to a truly vintage fair play bollock-up, all thanks to the ineptitude of the Dro goalkeeper.

Unlucky Sunshine: Bad Bounce Causes Armenian Defender To Score Slapstick Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite the game being played on an absolute carpet of a pitch, a bad bounce meant that the recent Armenian second division tie betweenAlashkert and Shirak's second-string sides was graced with a frankly hilarious own-goal scored by one of Shirak's centre-halves.

Football GIF: Andrea Pirlo Does A ‘Pirlo’, Sticks Away Majestic 89th-Minute Freekick Winner vs Genoa

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By Chris Wright

As Benjamin Franklin once inferred, there are but three certainties in this life: death, taxes and Andrea Pirlo being a luxuriously marvellous bugger at any given time.

Luckily for Juventus, that given time was the 89th minute of the Old Lady's at-that-point-goalless Serie A tie against Genoa on Sunday evening.

Tottenham 0-1 Arsenal – Rosicky Rockets Keeps Gunners In Title Hunt (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 0-1 Arsenal Premier League 16th March 2014

Arsenal make it three north London derby wins out of three on Sunday, with their latest 1-0 win keeping the Gunners well placed in the title race.

The home side had the lion;s share of possession but Tomas Rosicky's first minute strike (quite a cracker) set the tone for a game which saw the visitors defend deep and try to catch the Lilywhites on the break.

370, Not Out: Lionel Messi Becomes Barcelona’s All-Time Top Scorer, Aged 26, With Hat-Trick Against Osasuna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He's taken his sweet bloody time getting there, but Lionel Messi has finally overtaken Paulino Alcantara to become Barcelona's all-time top goalscorer thanks to his hat-trick in Barca's 7-0 demolition of Osasuna at the Camp Nou this afternoon.

Alcantara's record of 369 goals in 357 appearances stood for almost 90 years, but Messi rattled off his 368th, 369th and 370th goals (his25th hat-trick for the club: also a record) against Osasuna to snaffle himself yet another personal record for his enviable collection.

Arsenal Keeper Wojciech Szczesny Celebrates North London Derby Victory With On-Pitch Selfie (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Wojciech Szczesny decided the perfect way to rub in Arsenal's 0-1 North London Derby victory over their beloved neighbours by taking an on-pitch selfie of Kieran Gibbs, Lukas Podolski and himself (obviously) beaming about their victory in front of the Arsenal faithful at White Hart Lane.

Man Utd 0-3 Liverpool – Gerrard Spot-Kick Brace Shoots Down Toothless Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 0-3 Liverpool Premier League 16th March 2014

Two of Liverpool's three goals at Old Trafford may have come from the penalty spot but the visitors were well worth their 3-0 win against a United side shorn of any of last season's confidence and verve.

Football GIF: Hoffenheim’s Andreas Beck Overshoots The Touchline And KO’s Unfortunate Cameraman

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By Chris Wright

Hoffenheim lost 2-4 against Mainz in the Bundesliga yesterday, though one of the pitchside cameramen is unlikely to be able to remember any of it after Hoffenheim's Andreas Beck massively overshot the touchline in the 22nd minute and went barrelling into the Sky camera pit at full tilt completely knocking the poor guy out in the process.

Football Vine: Daniel Sturridge Dives To Con One Of Liverpool’s Many Penalties vs Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

Here's Daniel Sturridge going down like a wimp to win one of Liverpool's many, many penalties at Old Trafford this afternoon...

Gah.

In other news, Liverpool absolutely pasted United on their own patch over the course of 90 minutes; soundly whupping David Moyes' blunt rabble by three goals to zip.

Aston Villa 1-0 Chelsea – Blues See Red As Villans Pull Off Shock Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-0 Chelsea Premier League 15th March 2014

Just when Chelsea looked like being hot favourites for the Premier League title, they go and lose at Villa Park in a bizarre game which saw two Blues' players, and Jose Morinho himself, sent off.

Everton 2-1 Cardiff – Coleman Winner Harsh On Struggling Bluebirds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Cardiff City Premier League 15th March 2014

Poor old Cardiff, the Welsh side just aren't getting the rub of the green at the moment as relegation looks more and more unavoidable.

At Goodison Park on Saturday, a sliced effort from Seamus Coleman at the death robbed Cardiff of a share of the points after Juan Cala had cancelled outGerard Deulofeu's opener.

Jordanian Premier League Coughs Up Second Utterly Crazy Goal In Space Of Two Days (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming hot on the heels ofAl-Ramtha right-back Suleiman Al-Salman's MAHOOSIVE effort from well inside his own half comes this: the second utterly astounding goal to emerge from the Jordanian Premier League in the space of a couple of days, courtesy ofAl-Wehdat forwardMotaz Salhani's insane effort yesterday against, weirdly,Al-Ramtha.

Snapshot: Hirsute Galatasaray Fan Has Didier Drogba Shirt Shaved Into Back

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By Alan Duffy

In these hard economic times, we can all save a few pennies here and there by thinking outside the box. And this Galatasaray fan is a perfect example of using your imagination to save a few quid. Rather than buy a costly new Gala shirt with "Drogba 11″ on the back, he decided to use the hair God gave him and had his heroes' number and name shaved into his hairy back.

Southampton 4-2 Norwich – Saints Too Strong For Limp Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 4-2 Norwich Premier League 15th March 2014

For all bu the final five minutes of this game at St. Mary's, Southampton were in total control, with goals from Morgan Schneiderlin, Rickie Lambert and Jay Rodriguez putting the home side in control.

Football Vine: Ramires Launches Two-Footed Horror Lunge At Karim El Ahmadi As Blues’ Title Tilt Falters

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By Alan Duffy

Quite the shocking challenge here from Chelsea's Ramires, not a player known for his horror tackles. However, late on against Villa, the Brazilian midfielder was right sent off for this lunge directed atKarim El Ahmadi. Chelsea also saw Willian sent off for two bookings while Jose Mourinho was also sent to the stands as Aston Villa pulled off a shock win (thanks to a Fabien Delph goal).

Fulham 1-0 Newcastle – If Anyone Can, Ash-Kan; Dejagah Fires Whites To Priceless Win At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-0 Newcastle United Premier League 15th March 2014

Fulham's gifted Iranian forward Ashkan Dejagah was the match-winner for Felix Magath's struggling side on Saturday, with the sub firing home the only goal of the game on 68 minutes at Craven Cottage.

Hull 0-2 Man City – 10-Man Citizens Keep Pressure On Blues After Hard-Fought Win At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 0-2 Manchester City Premier League 15th March 2014

With Vincent Kompany shown red after just 10 minutes for a last-man challenge, title challengers Man City were given a difficult task against Steve Bruce's impressive Tigers. However, the visitors produced a superb display, with David Silva's excellent strike soon after the sending-off putting the Citizens in control, with Edin Dzeko's last-gasp second securing a superb win for Manuel Pellegrini's side.

‘It Was A Cold, Calculated Decision’ – Joey Barton Explains His Red Card Implosion Against Man City In 2012

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By Chris Wright

For reasons that aren't immediately clear, Joey Barton was asked to come along and talk to students at the Oxford Union earlier this week, with the QPR midfielder dulygiving an hour-long lecture which took in his views onphilosophy, football and social media.

Suleiman Al-Salman Cracks Monster Shot In Off The Crossbar From Inside His Own Half (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Jordanian Premier League, Al-Ramtha right-backSuleiman Al-Salman steps up, sets his range-finder and proceeds to crack an absolute monster of a shot in off the Al Arabi crossbar from several yards inside his own half of the field...

Definitely deserves one of these.

Luton Town Hand Over Image Rights To Supporters To Protect Against Any Unwanted Future Identity Changes

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to protect themselves for the kind of owner-fuelled "branding" issues that have plagued the likes of the Cardiff Dragonbirds and Hull City Powertigers in recent times, Luton Town have handed their supportersthe legal right to veto any proposed future change made to the club's image.

Around The Grounds: Blundell Park, Home Of Grimsby Town (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's been a while so we figured it was high time to have a good old-fashioned nosey around a ground and what better place to revive the series than in Grimsby?

Oi! Quiet, you.

The Mariners have been docked at Blundell Park since 1899, though only one of the original stands, The Main Stand (finished in 1901), remains to this day with the general consensus being that the stand, or at least the central block which houses the tunnel and the dressing rooms, was the oldest surviving in the Football League up until the club dropped into the Conference in 2010.

Snapshot: The Official 2014 Chivas Guadalajara Team Photo Is A Thing Of True Beauty…

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By Chris Wright

You know you've stumbled across your new favourite Mexican club when you find that they're official 2014 team photo features all of their players and staff dressed head-to-toe in traditional "charro" suits while stood saluting in an agave field somewhere in Jalisco.

A-League: Brisbane Roar’s Besart Berisha Sent-Off After Ridiculously Hysterical Simulation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having scored the opening goal of the game against Sydney FC in the 23rd minute, Brisbane Roar striker Besart Berisha had his afternoon ended incredibly prematurely just 17 minutes later when the Albanian international was shown a straight red card after a piece of utterly ridiculous simulation.

‘His Team Have Class, Pity He Doesn’t’ – Tim Sherwood Loses Faith In Benfica Coach Jesus Over Finger Gesture

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Tim Sherwood has accused his Benfica counterpart, Jorge Jesus, of a "lack of class" following a touchline flair-up during the latter stages of last night's Europa League last-16 first-legger at White Hart Lane.

Jesus appeared to hold up three fingers at Sherwood after his went 3-1 up through centre-back Luisao's second goal of the game, with Sherwood then accusing the Sandi Toksvig-a-like Benfica coach of being a bloody rotten cad and a scurrilous bounder after the game.

Europa League: Tottenham 1-3 Benfica – Limp Lilywhites Shot Down At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-3 Benfica Europa League Last 32 1st Leg 13th March 2014

Spurs were well beaten by a very clever Benfica side in north London on Thursday night, with the 3-1 scoreline leaving the Lilywhites' European adventure hanging by the thinnest of threads.

Eric Cantona Arrested And Cautioned After Assaulting Man In London

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By Chris Wright

Well whaddya know? Eric Cantona has been arrested and cautioned by police for assaulting a man in London yesterday.

According to the Telegraph, police were called to Primrose Hill in north London yesterday lunchtime with a spokesman for the Met later releasing the following statement:

"Police were called to Regents Park Road, NW1, at 12.

Albion Rovers Donate £10,000 Of Scottish Cup Run TV Money To Children’s Charity

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By Chris Wright

The footballing feel-good stories just keep on coming today with the news that Albion Rovers have announced that the club are going to donate a healthy wedge of the television money they've managed to rake in on their run to the Scottish Cup quarter-finals to charity.

‘He Knows What He Said’ – Birmingham Boss Lee Clark Accuses Referee Of Mocking His Player About Scoreline

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By Chris Wright

Birmingham City manager Lee Clark has accused the referee who oversaw his side's dramatic 3-3 draw against Burnley at St. Andrews last night of teasing one of his players about the scoreline after the Blues went 2-1 down shortly after the hour mark.

If Clark is to be believed, refereeJames Linington mocked Birmingham captain Paul Robinson after booking him for dissent in the aftermath of Burnley's second goal of the evening, which came about when the Clarets were awarded a debatable free-kick just outside the Blues' area after Robinson had tangled with striker Danny Ings.

Cristiano Ronaldo Asked To Donate Signed Boots For Sick Child, Stumps Up €60,000 To Pay For Brain Surgery Instead

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By Chris Wright

For a man who's built an entire museum dedicated to himself, Cristiano Ronaldo seems remarkably grounded in relative terms, and the Real Madrid superstar once again showed his true colours recently having been contacted by the family of a young Real fan in need of life-saving surgery.

‘He Unbuttoned His Pants And Rubbed Himself Against The Window’ – Nicklas Bendtner Embroiled In Another Drunken Taxi Escapade

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By Chris Wright

Nicklas Bendtner: Eroticism has a face

While he wasn't involved in Arsenal's squad for their Champions League excursion to Munich on Tuesday night in any capacity, it seems that Nicklas Bendtner still enjoyed a lively old evening having returned home to Denmark.

Introducing Eamon Dunphy, RTE’s Resident Self-Proclaimed ‘Spanish Football Expert’… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during RTE's coverage of the Barcelona-Man City game last night, hostBill O'Herlihy goes out of his way to introduce pundit Eamon Dunphy as the panel's resident "Spanish football expert" only for the man himself to promptly remove any lingering suspicions of bullsh*t.

Football Vine: Birmingham Boss Lee Clarke Does A Temuri Ketsbaia, Gives Hoarding A Good Celebratory Kicking

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By Alan Duffy

Once considered a star of Manchester United's future, Federico Macheda has, as yet, failed to make the grade at Old Trafford (he is still a United player), but for Birmingham on Wednesday night, the Italian struck twice to earn the Blues a last gasp draw against Burnley and send his manager Lee Clarke into a bit of a frenzy.

Champions League: Barcelona 2-1 Man City (Agg 4-1) – Citizens Bow Out At Bernabeu (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Barcelona 2-1 Manchester City (Agg 4-1) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 12th March 2014

As with Arsenal last night against Bayern, a red-card induced 2-0 defeat in the first leg proved fatal for Manchester City, who failed to claw back the gap against Barcelona on Wednesday night.

Champions League: PSG 2-1 Leverkusen (Agg 6-1) – French Fancies Stroll Into Last Eight (Photos & Highlights

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By Alan Duffy

Paris St Germain 2-1 Bayer Leverkusen (Agg 6-1) - Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 12th March 2014

With a 4-1 first-leg win under their belts, PSG coasted into the last eight of the Champions League courtesy of a 2-1 win in Paris. German international Sidney Sam had given the visitors a sliver of hope with an early goal but strikes from ex-Roma defender Marquinhos andEzequiel Lavezzi sealed the deal on the night, while a missed penalty from Leverkusen's Simon Rolfes and Emre Can's late sending-off added to Bayer's misery.

Newcastle U18 Youngling Scores Against Chelsea With Unbelievably Obvious Handball, Goal Is Allowed To Stand (Video)

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By Chris Wright

And there we were thinking Darius Henderson's manually-executed equaliser for Forest against Boro last night was blatant!

Step forward, Newcastle U18 urchin Olivier Kemen, who outdid Henderson all ends up in the "outrageous cheating" department during his side's FA Youth Cup tieagainst Cheslea's youth string last night by scoring a 28th-minute equaliser with the most brazen handball you're ever likely to see.

UEFA Set To Take Action Over Bayern Munich Fans’ Rather Rubbish ‘Gay Gunners’ Ozil Banner

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By Chris Wright

While it's yet to be confirmed by UEFA themselves, ITV Football are reporting this afternoon that Platini and his minions are expected to take action over an extremely sorry excuse for a banner which appeared among the Bayern Munich fans during last night's Champions League game against Arsenal which, we can only assume, was intended to goad or target Mesut Ozil in some shape or form.

Mexican Referee Lasts 24 Seconds Before Brandishing Fastest Red Card In Copa Libertadores History (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In whichMexican referee Marco Rodriguez writes his name into the Copa Libertadores history books by flashing the fastest red card in the tournament's 54-year history, lasting a full 24 seconds before having to (quite rightly) ejectAtletico Nacional midfielder Alejandro Bernal from the game for violently stamping on the fleshy bit ofNacional's Maximiliano Calzada.

Samuel Eto’o Turns Up For Chelsea Training Looking Like A Prize-Winning Pillock (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As posted on Instagram by Oscar earlier today, Samuel Eto'o turned up to Chelsea training this morning looking like a right Herbert; wearing a leather t-shirt and what can only be described as some kind of pop-up wolf hat...

Someone got dipstick vouchers for their birthday!

Talking Point: Did Arjen Robben Dive Against Arsenal? It Would Appear Not… (With GIF Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

Now, believe us, we take zero pleasure in defending Arjen Robben and his ilk. Nil. Zilch. The man continues to offend us almost each and every time we seem him play; swooning daintily to the ground under the slightest duress with the same frail, feeble, gossamer-light constitution as the elderly well-to-do ladies who faint at the first sight of blood in Agatha Christie stories.

Football Vine: Nottingham Forest’s Darius Henderson Blatantly Scores Equaliser With Hand vs Middlesbrough

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By Chris Wright

Henderson proudly displays the appendage that did all the damage

As crafty as you like, Nottingham Forest striker Darius Henderson snatched a point from the jaws of defeat just two minutes after coming on as a substitute by steering a magnificent, stooping near-post volley past Dimitrios Konstantopoulosto cancel out Middlesbrough's 1-0 lead in the 81st minute.

Snapshot: Zlatan Explains His #DareToZlatan Thought Process With A Simple Flow Chart…

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By Chris Wright

Having been contacted by a fan on Twitter and asked just how he reacted quickly enough to score *that* overhead-kick against England and whether or not he thought it would go in once he'd unleashed his shot, Zlatan replied in typical fashion posting a graphic of the awesome #DareToZlatan thought process (in handy flow-chart form) he went through while executing his acrobatic stonker at Wembley.

Diego Costa Scores Cracking Volley At Full Stretch As Atletico Madrid Trounce AC Milan (GIFs)

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By Chris Wright

Diego Costa's 28th and 29th goals of the season helped Atletico Madrid comfortably extend their aggregate lead over AC Milan last night to reach the Champions League quarter-finals for the first time since 1997, with the Brazilian/Spanish (delete as applicable) striker's first goal of the night definitely worth a second look.

Arsenal: Paper Experts Knock Ozil And His Phantom Injury

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Paul Sorene

WHAT did the Press say about Arsenal's Champions League exit at the hands of Bayern Munich? Well, most focused on Mesut Ozil:

The Metro:

The Germany play-maker, who scored and turned in a fantastic shift for the Gunners against Everton at the weekend, had to come off at half-time during the clash with Bayern.

Champions League: Bayern 1-1 Arsenal (Agg 3-1) – Gunners Bow Out After Munich Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bayern Munich 1-1 Arsenal (Aggregate 3-1) Champions League Last 16 2nd Leg 11th March 2014

As expected, the 2-0 lead Bayern had accrued in the first leg of this last 16 tie proved too much of a mountain to climb for Arsenal on Tuesday night.

Alan Pardew Banned For Seven Games And Fined £60,000 For David Meyler Forehead Shunt

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By Chris Wright

As expected, Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has been hit with a hefty ban and fine from the FA for his little "forehead shunt" on Hull City's David Meyler a week or so ago.

Pardew will now have to sit out the next seven of Newcastle's games and pay up to the tune of £60,000 with astatement released by the FA this afternoon reading thus:

"[Pardew] will serve a seven-match suspension with immediate effect, subject to any appeal, after he admitted an FA misconduct charge.

Snapshot: Sanfrecce Hiroshima Celebrate Goal With Touching Tribute To 3.11 Tsunami Victims

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By Chris Wright

We know what you're thinking: you wait ages for a Sanfrecce Hiroshima then two come alongat once. Bloody typical!

Anyway, on the third anniversary of the tsunami that devastated Japan back in 2011, the Hiroshima players constructed a really rather brilliant goal celebration tribute to the victims after notching against Central Coast Mariners in the AFC Champions League yesterday with the entire team laying down on the turf to display the date (March, 2011) that the disaster hit the club's home city.

Top 10 Football Fair Play FAILs (With Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Here be Pies' top 10 footballing fair play failures; proving that, for every Aaron Hunt (who, let's face it, still attempted to con the referee in the first place before coming clean) there is an equal and opposite reaction...

10.

Ball Hog: Ecuador U16s’ Fabian Tello Waltzes Past Nine Tackles, Scores Tremendous Mazy Solo Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Turning out for Ecuador U16s in a recent international game against their similarly aged Paraguayan counterparts, 16-year-old Fabian Tello lit up the game with a fantastic solo strike.

We count nine challenges from seven defenders (including the Paraguay 'keeper), all evaded masterfully by young Fabian on his way to scoring a tremendous, bamboozling slalom goal.

Bayern Munich’s All-Conquering Bundesliga Dominance Summed Up In One Telling Statistic…

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By Chris Wright

Bayern Munich are currently perched high atop the Bundesliga table, 20 (twenty!) points clear of Borussia Dortmund in second and yet to taste defeat so far this season winning all but two of their domestic league games.

Indeed, the last time Bayern lost in the Bundesliga was against Bayer Leverkusen onOctober 28th, 2012- roughly 17 months ago.

Crowd Violence Sees Turkish Super Lig Game Between Trabzonspor And Fenerbahce Abandoned Before Half-Time

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By Chris Wright

With the game having already been temporarily halted twice beforehand due to crowd trouble, Monday evening's Turkish Super Lig tie between Trabzonspor and Fenerbahce was abadoned entirely before half-time after several players where pelted with objects including flares, bottles, coins and stones.

Isco Takes The Mickey Out Of Asier Illarramendi And His Recent ‘Bull-Baiting Batman’ Antics (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted as Real Madrid emerged from the stands to warm-up ahead of their weekend fixture against Levante, here's Isco ribbing his team-mate Asier Illarramendi after it emerged the latter was forced to apologise to the club for playing fast and loose with their injury risk code by dressing up as Batman and running rings around a bull in the middle of a Basque street festival.

Iain Dowie: Bollywood Hearthrob (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

One to right click>save as in that "special" file on your desktop...

And, before you ask, we have absolutely no idea what's going on there.

(Via @MatchPint)

J-League Striker Hisato Sato Scores Amazing On-The-Turn Volley, Blows His Coach’s Tiny Mind (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As well as arguably being the J-League's most naturally gifted player, Sanfrecce Hiroshima striker Hisato Sato is quickly making a name for himself outside of Japan as being the scorer of semi-regular wonder goals with his outstanding on-the-turn volley againstKawasaki Frontale on Saturday being the latest in a succession of jaw-dropping strikes from the 31-year-old forward.

‘Stand Free!’ – Fitba Thatba’s 100% Unofficial, 100% Brilliant Aberdeen FC Cup Final Anthem (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With their beloved Aberdeen set to take on Inverness Caley Thistle in the upcoming Scottish League Cup Final this coming Sunday, the shaggy lads over at Fitba Thatba have produced their 100% unofficial anthem to mark the occasion, entitled "Stand Free!".

It's a belter of a tune and features a reference to Eoin Jess; what more could you ask for?

PAOK’s Juan Insaurralde Shown YELLOW Card For Punching Olympiakos’ Delvin Ndinga Square In The Face! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Granted, there are some fairly serious footballing rivalries around the world but PAOK and Olympiakos share one of the most intense inter-city hatreds in the known universe, with derby games between the two clubs regularly peppered with fierce hostility.

The two teams met on Sunday evening, with PAOK scoring a 2-1 home victory over their Athens-based rivals though the game, as you'd imagine, didn't pass without controversy, with the post-match griping largely centred around one incident involving PAOK centre-half Juan Insaurralde and Olympiakos midfielder Delvin Ndinga.

Levante’s Nikos Karabelas Swoops In At Far Post To Score Clinical Own-Goal vs Real Madrid (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Levante left-backNikos Karabelas puts the finishing touch to Real Madrid's 3-0 romp by storming in at the far post and slotting a clinical volley past his own 'keeper to flesh out his side's defeat...

Just in case the video gets pulled down, here be the requisite GIF.

Wigan Oust Man City From FA Cup, Largely Thanks To Emmerson Boyce’s ‘Block Of The Century’ (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Wigan have just ousted Manchester City from the FA Cup for the second time in two years, putting on a non-shall-pass defensive display that Gandalf himself would've been proud of at the Etihad and escaping with a shock 2-1 victory though it took an astounding goal-saving block from Emmerson Boyce to deny Edin Dzeko tapping home with just a few minutes left to play.

Fair Play: Werder Bremen’s Aaron Hunt Confesses To Stumble And Gets Referee To Overrule Penalty Decision (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A large pat on the back goes to Werder Bremen forward Aaron Hunt who, during yesterday's Bundesliga tie against Nuremberg, illegitimately won his side a penalty when he went sprawling in the box only to stand up and confess to the referee that he had merely stumbled and that a penalty was the wrong decision, with the official duly changing his mind and ordering play to continue.

Real Madrid’s Asier Illarramendi Apologises After Running With Bull, Dressed As Batman At Spanish Festival (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

Illarra and friends: As Batman costumes go...

Real Madrid midfielder Asier Illarramendi has gone and produced Pies' favourite footballer apology of 2014 so far after being caught on camera charging around in front of a bull, dressed in a Batman costume (Illarramendi; not the bull!

Football GIF: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Provides Ezequiel Lavezzi With Outrageous Kung-Fu Volley Assist

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By Chris Wright

Oh, this little thing? It's just Zlatan daring to be Zlatan against Bastia earlier today...

Out. Rageous.

Snapshot: Nicklas Bendtner Attends UFC Fight Dressed As 1940s Film Noir Detective…

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By Chris Wright

Nicklas Bendtner is at the UFC Fight Night event in London tonight and, because of course he did, the Danish forward went dressed as a 1940s film noire private dick...

"Dick", of course, being the operative word.

(Images: bendtner52/Instagram thanks to Pies fan Mulberry Jones for the tip-off!

Football GIF: Samuel Eto’o Celebrates Goal Against Tottenham With ‘Old Age Pensioner’ Shtick

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By Chris Wright

Having been generously slid through on goal by Jan Vertonghen (see above), Samuel Eto'o opened the floodgates as Chelsea pasted Tottenham at The Bridge earlier celebrating his 56th-minute opener with a Mourinho-ribbing "OAP" routine (context) over by the corner flag.

Step This Way For A Superb Acoustic Guitar Rendition Of The Champions League Theme Music… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This chap's name is Paul Quinn, he is a Manchester United fan (but try not to hold that against him!) and he has spent a recent evening creating a sublime, multi-layered acoustic rendition of The Champions League theme music or "Zadok the Priest", if you prefer its proper classical name.

Australian Professional Women’s Club Brisbane Roar To Join Boys Under-15s League

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By Chris Wright

Putting a fresh spin on the old "men versus boys" adage, an Australian professional women's side have announced that they are joining a boys Under-15′s league to help keep their players sharp over the course of the Australian W-League's inordinately long off-season.

Snapshot: Per Mertesacker Happy As Larry To Find Library Book With His Name On!

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By Chris Wright

To help promote World Book Day, Islington Borough Council invited Per Mertesacker down to his local library and, of course, Arsenal's BFG was simply overjoyed to wade into the children's section and find a book bearing his name...

Look at that face! We haven't seen Per so excited since he last got to play with his cowboys.

David Moyes’ Open Letter To Man Utd Fans: Deciphered

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard, David Moyes has written an open letter to the Manchester United fans to thank them for their loyalty (ahem) during his "difficult" first season at Old Trafford viathe club's '12th Man' magazine which is sent to United season ticket holders on a quarterly basis.

Macedonia’s Daniel Georgievski Scores Exquisite First-Touch Volleyed Lob Own-Goal vs Latvia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We have a stone-cold classic from the "agonising for the 'keeper" genre of own-goal here, expertly tucked away during the midweek international break by Macedonia right-back Daniel Georgievski.

With Latvia breaking through the middle and dinking a ball over the top for their striker to run on to, Georgievski did the decent thing and finished the counter-attack for them running onto the through-ball and sending a delightful volleyed lob over his own goalie with the deftest of first touches.

German Journalist Refers To Per Mertesacker As ‘The Big F***ing German’ Live On Sky Sports News (Video)

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By Chris Wright

German Sky Sports presenter Christopher Lymberopoulos was a guest on Sky Sports News this morning and, during a chat about Per Mertesacker, brazenly went ahead and dropped a BFG bomb all over the studio

Christopher, take a bow...

This is definitely how Sky Sports News should refer to Per Mertesacker at all times from now on.

Thomas Hitzlsperger Lifts Lid On QPR’s Reckless Spending Habits

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By Chris Wright

With the news yesterdaythat QPR have filed ginormous £65.4million losses for 2012-2013 (more than any other English club) and that they spent more on wages (£68million!)than Champions League finalists Borussia Dortmund did in the same period in their unsuccessful attempts to stay in the Premier League, former Germany midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger has lifted the lid on the club managed by Harry Redknapp, we should point out and their reckless frittering away of other people's money.

Michael Keane Unable To Play For England U21s Against Wales After FA Register Twin Brother By Mistake

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By Chris Wright

Twin trouble: Michael (left) and Will (right) Keane

Oopsy daisy. There were a few quizzically arched eyebrows in the terraces on Wednesday evening when Manchester United youngster Michael Keane failed to turn out for the England U21s against Wales at Pride Park as expected leaving a few bemused fans wondering just what had happened to the 21-year-old defender in the hours before kick-off.

Snapshot: Pithy Tottenham Fan Mocks Perma-Crock Jack Wilshere With Personalised Wheelchair…

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By Chris Wright

After his dainty Lalique ankles fissured again 20 minutes into England's friendly against Denmark in midweek, Arsenal invalid Jack Wilshere is once again facing a prolonged period on the sidelines giving (Tottenham-supporting, more likely than not!) Photoshop pranksters plenty of ammunition.

Wolves Fan Complains About ‘Upside Down’ Badge On Faulty Replica Shirt, Club Respond With ‘Upside Down’ Apology Letter

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By Chris Wright

@OfficialWolves my new shirt just delivered.....can you see the error? Is this why theyre 12quid at moment? Shite pic.twitter.com/ZebRRpm5sc

— Richard Gough (@Richard_J_Gough) March 5, 2014

Having purchased and taken delivery of a discounted replica shirt from the online club shop, Wolves fan Richard Gough opened the parcel to find that his new jersey was faulty with the Wolves crest sewn on to the shirt the wrong way round.

‘You Must Have Been Watching Zlatan!’ – Ibrahimovic Tweets Blaise Matuidi, Congratulates Him On Back-Heel Spider Volley vs Holland

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By Chris Wright

As you probably aware, France beat Holland last night thanks to a couple of corking goals from Karim Benzema (watch it here) and Blaise Matuidi, with the latter just pipping the former in the 'Goal of the Night' stakes on style points for his bizarre "corkscrew back-heeled spider volley" to double Les Bleus' lead just minutes after half-time.

Football Vine: Arsenal Loanee Joel Campbell Is At It Again, Scores Another Cracker For Costa Rica

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By Alan Duffy

Young Joel Campbell is enjoying a fine season peppered with quality goals and against Paraguay on Wednesday night, the speedy attacker scored a superb solo lobbed effort. Surely he's got to be given a chance back at the Emirates next season, when his loan spell with Olympiakos ends?

Nike And Adidas Unveil Hideous New One-Piece ‘Boot/Sock Hybrid’ Football Boot Designs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

This day we have seen the future of football boots and the future, dear Pies fans, is bloody ugly.

First up, we have the new Magista from Nike, which is steadily being unveiled as we speak.

As can be plainly seen, the Magista features a "boot+sock combo" all-in-one design, as modelled here by Andres Iniesta.

Vietnam Defender Tran Dinh Dong Given Massive 28-Game Ban For Breaking Opponent’s Leg

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By Chris Wright

Vietnamese international centre-backTran Dinh Dong has been given an enormous 28-game ban by the Vietnam Football Federation for breaking an opponent's leg during a domestic league game.

Tran, who plays forSong Lam Nghe An in the Vietnamese top flightand has 13 international caps to his name, broke the leg ofNguyen Anh Hung with a mistimed tackle during the latter stages of Song Lan's recent 1-0 victory over the V.

Football Vine: Patrice Evra Almost Studded In The Eyeball By Holland’s Quincy Promes

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By Chris Wright

Literally a couple of minutes into Les Bleus' friendly against der Oranje, Patrice Evra took a nasty studding to the face from Dutch winger Quincy Promes which came perilously close to raking the Manchester United full-back's eyeball out of his skull...

Not even a yellow card, we should add.

England 1-0 Denmark – Sturridge On Target As Three Lions Struggle Against Danes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 1-0 Denmark International Friendly 5th March 2014

International friendlies are always difficult to call, what with the endless substitutions and managerial experiments, but against Denmark on Wednesday night, a Liverpool-heavy England produced a patchy display.

Neymar Deals With Teeny Tiny South African Pitch Invader In Truly Heart-Warming Fashion (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brazil resolutely spanked South Africa inJohannesburg last night, winning 0-5 in a friendly courtesy of a Neymar hat-trick and a goal apiece from Oscar and Fernandinho.

There were also touching scenes when Neymar stopped a teeny tiny pitch invader from being hauled off by the South African stewards after the final whistle when the Barcelona forward ran over, picked the little lad up and carried him around the pitch for a short while; taking him over to meet the rest of the Brazilian players before giving him the VIP treatment including a souvenir photograph taken by none other than David Luiz.

Belgian Bumbler Christian Benteke Misses An Absolute Open-Goal Sitter vs Ivory Coast (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa striker Christian Benteke was on rare old form for Belgium in their 2-2 draw with Ivory Coast last night; farting the ball a good few yards over the crossbar having been faced with the tricky task of rolling it gently into the back of a completely vacant net.

22 Cracking Photos Of Nemanja Vidic Taking On The World With His Head

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Chris Wright

With the news breaking this morning that Inter Milan have confirmed they've agreed a deal to sign Nemanja Vidic from Manchester United at season's end, we though we'd pay homage to one of the grizzliest centre-halves of the modern era with 22 photos of the Serbian behemoth in his element; taking on the world in the air and winning.

Snapshot: Romanian Groundsman Attempts To Paint Pitch Lines After Spending All Morning Drinking In Local Bar…

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By Chris Wright

The good fellows over at Sport.ro have unearthed a cracking little yarn today, coming into the possession of a set of photos taken byRomanian Sunday League player Livian Hotico before one of his games at the tail end of February.

The problem, as Sport.

Luis Figo’s Dressing Room Selfie After Charity Match Puts Ellen’s Paltry Oscar Night Effort To Shame (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the 11th annual 'Match Against Poverty' last night, with Zinedine Zidane and Ronaldo once again assembling their stellar teams, chock-full of legendary names, to square off in the name of charity.

As always, the rosters were absolutely stellar with the likes of Robert Pires, Youri Djorkaeff, Paolo Maldini, Steve McManaman, Ruud Gullit, Christian Vieri, Hidetoshi Nakata, Fabio Cannavaro and Jamie Carragher all turning out for the occasion making Luis Figo's dressing room "group selfie" (okay, we know it's not actually a selfie) a thing of exquisite beauty and putting Ellen DeGeneres' paltry Oscar night ensemble shot to shame.

‘You Were My Guardian Angel’ – Gerard Pique Writes Emotional Open Thank-You Letter To Carles Puyol

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By Chris Wright

Pique and Puyol, forever immortalised involcanic rock in the Stepanakert region of northern Armenia

We always knew that the news of Carles Puyol's imminent departure from Barcelona was going to hit one man harder than anyone else and, lo and behold, his young ward, Gerard Pique, has written an emotional open letter on his Facebook page to thank 'Puyi' for their time together.

Football GIF: Atletico Madrid Ballboy Troll-o-lol-o-lols Cristiano Ronaldo

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By Chris Wright

Presenting, the correct way to respond to Mme. Cristiano Ronaldo's huffy histrionics as demonstrated by one of Atletico Madrid's ballboys during Sunday's petulant Madrid derby...

Well played, but just be careful son. Eden Hazard would've probably put you in A&E for that kind of chicanery.

Northern Irish Amateur Unleashes Set-Piece So Diabolical That He Officially ‘Gives Up Free-Kicks For Lent’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's the absolutely woeful blunderbuss of a set-piece which led toSeamus Kane of Northern Irish amateur side Camlough Rovers officially giving up set-pieces for Lent and believe us, it's really not hard to see why...

Post by Seamus Kane.

We heartily concur, Seamus freekicks obviously aren't your thing.

Carles Puyol To Leave Barcelona At End Of Season After Club Agree To Terminate Contract Early

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By Chris Wright

Given that he bleeds blaugrana, we honestly thought he'd retire before ever turning out for another club but it has been announced this afternoon that Carles Puyol is to leave Barcelona at the end of the season after they agreed to mulch the final two years of his contract.

Pies’ Bumper Guide To Each And Every Kit Being Worn At Brazil 2014 World Cup (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With just 100 days to go until the big kick-off, we reckon it's high time you get yourself acquainted with just who will be wearing what vis-a-vis the World Cup this summer.

With that in mind, here's Pies one-stop, tip-top bumper universal guide to each and every (*official announcements permitting) home and away strip that is to be sported in Brazil starting with the hosts and continuing in group stage order.

Vincent Tan May Face Investigation For Offering Cardiff Players Illegal £3.7m Bonus To Avoid Relegation

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By Chris Wright

According to the Daily Mail, Cardiff City owner Vincent Tan is staring down the barrel of a Premier League investigation over allegations he has offered his players an illegal bonus as an incentive to avoiding relegation this season before Sunday's game against Tottenham.

Football GIF: ‘David Moyes Slowly Morphing Into Roy Hodgson’ Is The Creepiest Thing You’ll See Today…

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By Chris Wright

We've got absolutely no idea when or in what context this GIF was cobbled together, but it is undoubtedly one of, if not the creepiest thing you'll see today.

David Moyes morphing slowly into Roy Hodgson and back again and again and again until the very end of time.

‘It’s The Least I Can Do’ – Torquay Manager Promises To Buy Drink For Fans Who Travelled 750 Miles To Watch Dismal Hartlepool Defeat

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By Chris Wright

"What time's last orders?"

Despite their side being bottom of the entire Football League and having won just one game in their last 12 outings, 91 hardy Torquay United fans made the gruelling 750-mile round trip to support their ailing team against Hartlepool on Saturday a game the Gulls eventually went on to lose 3-1.

Adidas Launch Extravagant, Retina-Troubling ‘Carnaval’ Boot Colours For 2014 Brazil World Cup (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Inspired by the world-famous street festival in Rio de Janeiro of the same name, Adidas have launched their latest colour-ways for their four main boots lines (adiZero, Predator, Nitrocharge and 11pro) ahead of the World Cup in Brazil in around about 100 days' time.

John Terry Finds His Way Into Ellen Degeneres’ Twitter-Melting Oscars ‘Selfie’ (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

If only Bradley's arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014

As you may have heard, Oscars host Ellen DeGeneres assembled an entire whinny (the correct collective noun for a group of actors) of Hollywood's elite for a gigantic "selfie" photo at the award show last night, featuring the likes of Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper, Brad and Angie Pitt, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep and a pop-up Kevin Spacey.

Jordan Henderson Sits In Wembley Stands To Watch Boyhood Team Sunderland In League Cup Final (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

You've probably all seen this by now, but for the few who haven't here's Liverpool midfielder Jordan Henderson watching his boyhood club, Sunderland, squaring off against Man City in the Capital One Cup Final yesterday amid the Mackem fans at Wembley...

We know it's not overly remarkable once you dissect things, but it always warms our cockles to see a professional footballer acting like an actual human being once in a while.

Hoffenheim Mascot ‘Hoffi The Moose’ Trips Over Advertising Board, Quite Literally Loses His Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hoff with his head!

Short and sweet: Here's Hoffenheim mascot, Hoffi the Moose, charging down the touchline to celebrate a goal during his club's rampaging 6-2 victory over Wolfsburg at the weekend, legging himself up on a low-lying advertising board, coming a cropper and,just to grind a handful of coarse sea salt into the wound, quite literally losing his head in the process.

Bundesliga Game Ends In 1-1 Draw After Both Goalkeepers Score Disastrous Own-Goals (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunday's triple word score Bundesliga tie betweenEintracht Braunschweig andBorussia Monchengladbach finished 1-1 and would've probably passed without a mention had the scoresheet not made for such interesting viewing come the final whistle.

Braunschweig opened the scoring for Monchengladbach in the 24th minute when 'keeper Daniel Davari used his thigh to inadvertently divert a corner into his own net at the front post and that was the way the score remained until the 52nd minute, when Monchengladbach returned the favour.

PSG’s Lucas Moura On Brink Of Scoring Brilliant Solo Goal, Until Rod Fanni Cocks It All Up For Him… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having been crocked for over a month, Edinson Cavani scored on his PSG return as the Ligue 1 leaders eased to a 2-0 victory over Marseille on Saturday evening, though it could have been more emphatic, with Lucas Moura coming within the width of a gnat's nadger to scoring one of the all-time great solo goals.

Manuel Pellegrini Momentarily Forgets Which Team He’s The Manager Of… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, while being interviewed on the Wembley pitch after Manchester CITY's League Cup victory on Sunday, Manchester CITY manager Manuel Pellegrini suffers a clanging slip of the tongue while momentarily forgetting which club he is employed by...

Oops.

Aston Villa 4-1 Norwich – Benteke Bangs In Brace As Villans Shoot Down Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 4-1 Norwich City Premier League 2nd March 2014

Aston Villa came from a goal down to register a vital win at home to Norwich on Sunday. Playmaker Wes Hoolahan had given the visitors the lead after just three minutes but between the 25th and 41st minutes, Villa shocked their opponents with a four-goal salvo.

Tottenham 1-0 Cardiff – Soldado Ends Barren Spell As Lilywhites Win At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Cardiff City Premier League 2nd March 2014

Since taking over at beleaguered Cardiff, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was enjoyed just one win in eight Premier League games, with Sunday's defeat at White Hart Lane keeping his side three points away from safety.

Swansea 1-1 Crystal Palace – Swans Pay Penalty At Liberty Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-1 Crystal Palace Premier League 2nd March 2014

Crystal Palace's forgotten man, Glenn Murray, converted a late penalty to give the Eagles a share of the points at the Liberty Stadium on Sunday. For most of the game, the home side were well in control, taking the lead on 25 minutes courtesy of a strike from Dutch midfielder Jonathan De Guzman.

WTF? Snapshot: Man City Fans Sneak Wooden Door Into Wembley For League Cup Final…

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By Chris Wright

You can go ahead and file this one under "W in T good name of the ever-loving F?"

It would appear that, for reasons we can't even begin to fathom, went out of their way to sneak a wooden door into Wembley to wave about in the crowd during the League Cup Final.

Madrid Derby Vines: Pepe Dives As Only Pepe Can, Livid Atletico Staff Member Attempts To Batter Referee…

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during the borderline unwatchable Madrid derby earlier this evening, here's Real Madrid's sub-human scum centre-half Pepe doing what he does best in a bid to get Atletico Madrid's Diego Godin spiralling to the floor like a dying mayfly after pretending to take a clout to the face shortly before half-time.

Capital One Cup: Man City 3-1 Sunderland – Class Tells As Citizens Come From Behind To Lift Cup (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-1 Sunderland Capital One Cup Final 2nd March 2014

Despite producing a superb performance against their more illustrious rivals, Sunderland would ultimately come away with losers' medals from a superb League Cup final at Wembley.

Snapshot: Man City Are The 2013/14 League Cup Champions!

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By Chris Wright

We'll have a full report up shortly, but for now we'd just like to congratulate Manchester City for securing the first silverware of the season beating Sunderland 3-1 at Wembley to win the 2013/14 League Cup...

We'd also personally like to thank Vincent Kompany for providing us with what must undoubtedly go down as the photo of the final.

League Cup Final GIF: Yaya Toure Scores Magical First-Time Stonker vs Sunderland

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By Chris Wright

Yaya-o-rama!!!

Absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, in fact we really should have included a 'NSFW' warning in the headline.

(GIF via Fred Sports)

Southampton 0-3 Liverpool – Suarez On Target At St. Mary’s As Reds Go Second (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 0-3 Liverpool Premier League 1st March 2014

Goals from Luis Suarez, Raheem Sterling and Steven Gerrard (via the penalty spot) gave Liverpool an impressive 3-0 win at St. Mary's on Saturday, a result which sees them leapfrog Arsenal and go second in the table.

Here’s Jeff Stelling’s Reaction To Alan Pardew’s Head-Butt On David Meyler (Video)

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By Chris Wright

(Video: Sky Sports)

Andy Carroll Suffers Hideous Dislocated Finger vs Everton (Gruesome Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Apologies to all those eating their breakfast at the moment...

Tut tut, Andy. Has no-one ever told you it's rude to point?

(Image: andytcarroll/Instagram)

Everton 1-0 West Ham – Lukaku Finds Key To Break Down Hammers At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-0 West Ham United Premier League 1st March 2014

A late goal from sub Romelu Lukaku eventually broke down a stubborn West Ham rearguard to secure a precious three points for the Toffees at Goodison Park on Saturday. Despite having the lion's share of the possession, the home side struggled to break down a well-organised Hammers' defence.

Stoke 1-0 Arsenal – Gunners Slip As Potters Power To Victory At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-0 Arsenal Premier League 1st March 2014

A rather limp Arsenal suffered a potentially fatal blow in the race for the title after coming a cropper against Stoke. The home side arguably deserved the win, with the only goal of the game coming after Laurent Koscielny handled the ball in the Arsenal box in the second-half.

Hull 1-4 Newcastle – Pardew Madness Overshadows Magpies’ Win At The KC (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 1-4 Newcastle City Premier League 1st March 2014

Alan Pardew's bizarre headbutting of David Meyler in the second-half would overshadow what was a very good win for Newcastle away at Hull on Saturday. Despite having the better of the first-half, the Tigers were two goals down by the break, courtesy of goals fromMoussa Sissoko and Loic Remy (after a poor back-pass from Maynor Figueroa).

Fulham 1-3 Chelsea – Schurrle Shows Sends Blues Four Points Clear (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-3 Chelsea Premier League 1st March 2014

A second-half hat-trick from German attacker Andre Schurrle secured a west London derby win for Chelsea which saw them go four points clear at the top of the table. The first-half produced no goals although the Blues looked far more likely, with Eden Hazard superb throughout.

Football Vine: Nuts! Newcastle Boss Alan Pardew Headbutts Hull’s David Meyler

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By Alan Duffy

Magpies' boss Alain Du Pardew is no stranger to losing his temper, is he? Coming only weeks after the angry boss verbally abused Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini, Pardew has gone one step further, by actually headbutting an opposition player! The Newcastle boss was sent off for the offence and surely the question now is will he keep his job at St.

England Fans Start Petition To Ban Tom Cleverley From 2014 World Cup Squad – Already Has 7,000 Signatures

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By Chris Wright

An England fan has started apetition to have Tom Cleverley banned from inclusion in this summer's England World Cup squad on the grounds that the Manchester United midfielder doesn't possess "any genuine qualities whatsoever".

The "Ban Tom Cleverley from the World Cup squad" campaigned is directly petitioning the FA to veto Cleverley from travelling to Brazil and was created byGlenn McConnell from Blackpool who outlines his manifesto thus:

"Tom Cleverley, owner of 13 England caps, six more than Ross Barkley, Adam Lallana and Leon Osman combined, has been regularly selected by Roy Hodgson in his squads without possessing any genuine qualities whatsoever.