Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2014

Prodigal Son Fernando Torres Has First Training Session With Atletico Madrid, Needs To Work On His Heading

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By Alan Duffy

Returning to his boyhood club after a number of years of underperforming, 'El Nino' Fernando Torres was put through his paces by the Atletico Madrid coaching staff on Tuesday.

The former Liverpool, Chelsea and AC Milan hitman looked sharp, although his failure to direct all but one of his headers onto the tiny goal shows he still needs to work on his aerial prowess!

Man Utd Supporters Seek To Auction Off David Moyes ‘The Chosen One’ Banner For Charity

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to finally lay old ghosts to rest once and for all, a group of Manchester United fans are seeking to auction off their David Moyes 'Chosen One' banner and give all the proceeds to charidee.

According to the Telegraph's northern football correspondent Mark Ogden, the United supporters group responsible for printing the banner in the first place, Stretford Flags, are keen to flog the damned thing in order to"avoid the much-ridiculed tribute.

Retro Football: Benfica Legend Jose Torres Celebrates In The Snow, 1969 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Jose Torres (squatted directly to Eusebio's right): an integral part of Benfica's legendaryline-up

It was February 12th of 1969 and the temperature was hovering down around zero in the AmsterdamOlympisch Stadion as Johan Cruyff's Ajax took on Eusebio's Benfica in the first leg of the European Cup quarter-final fixture between the two heavyweight sides.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Incurs Wrath Of Animal Rights Group After Shooting Enormous 500kg Moose During Christmas Hunting Trip

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By Chris Wright

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has incurred the wrath of several animal rights groups after shooting an enormous 500kg moose during a Christmas hunting expedition in his native Sweden.

According to the grisly details published in Swedish newspaper Expressen, Ibrahimovic killed the half-ton moose with one shot through the heart much to the delight ofBo Skold, the head of the Swedish Hunting Association.

Former Ajax And Holland Midfielder Demy De Zeeuw Advertises For A New Club On LinkedIn

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Without a clubsince being let go by Anderlecht last summer, former Netherlands international Demy de Zeeuw has taken to the lonely hearts columns (sort of) in a desperate bid to find himself gainful employment.

The 31-year-old ex-Ajax, AZ Alkmaar and Spartak Moscow midfielder, who has 27 international caps to his name, has begun advertising his services on professional networking site LinkedIn the business world's answer to Facebook.

Young Blackpool Loanee Jacob Murphy Apologises For Posting Dodgy Image On Snapchat…

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By Chris Wright

Blackpool youngster Jacob Murphy has publicly apologised after posting an image on social media which saw the 19-year-old Norwich loanee appearing to claim his side were going to lose their game against Rotherham on Sunday afternoon before even taking to the pitch.

Football Vine: Swansea Keeper Lukasz Fabianski Drops Clanger While Trying To ‘Play Out From The Back™’ vs Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

Bollock-dropper extraordinaire

With possession retention being nine tenths of the law these days, you really can't blame Swansea 'keeper Lukasz Fabianski for wanting to play out from the back at all costs all his friends are doing it, after all.

Alan Pardew On Cusp Of Crystal Palace Switcheroo After Newcastle Agree £2.5m Compensation Package

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By Chris Wright

As the mid-season madness continues apace, it's being reported that Alan Pardew is now within a whisker of upping sticks at Newcastle (ninth in the Premier League) to take over at manager-less Crystal Palace (currently mired in the relegation zone).

Several sources have confirmed that the two clubs are in talks, thoughthe Telegraph are reporting that Palace and Newcastle have nowagreed a £2.

Mexican Newspaper Récord Fool Queretaro Fans With Hoax ‘Ronaldinho AWOL’ Story

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By Chris Wright

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A Mexican newspaper by the name ofRécord have incurred the wrath of Queretaro fans after running with a phoney story about the club's headline act, a certain Mr. Ronaldinho, going AWOL over Christmas.

With rumours swirling that Ronaldinho had disappeared back to Brazil to ring in the New Year in in customary lavish style, the paper concocted a hoax story about the club's directors desperately trying to enticethe veteran Brazilian party boyout of the woodwork by building him a new luxury mansion.

Kaboom! Lincoln City Midfielder Charlee Adams’ First Professional Goal Was An Absolute Bloody Belter (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It was Lincoln City whocame out on top in the Lincolnshire derby on Sunday afternoon, registering their first away winin over four months to claim the spoils over local rivals Grimsby Town with a 1-3 victory.

That said, they had to come from a goal down to do so, with 19-year-oldmidfielder Charlee Adams (on loan from Birmingham City) thundering in The Imps'equaliser shortly before half-time with his first ever career goal and an absolute bloody belter it was too!

Snapshot: Subtitle Error Sees American Broadcasters NBC Make Total Hash Of Juan Mata’s Name…

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during NBC's broadcast of yesterday's goalless draw between Tottenham and Manchester United, it would appear that someone over there made an extraordinary hash of Juan Mata's name...

Apologies for being so blunt, but it's all going to pot.

Hopefully, NBC will be able to weed out the culprit so this kind of chronic error doesn't happen again.

‘Back Home At Last’ – Fernando Torres Confirms He Is An Atletico Madrid Player Once More

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By Chris Wright

Weturned our backs for a few days and, lo and behold, we'vecome back to a mad house, with Emile Heskey scoring on his Bolton debut, Alan Pardew on the verge of taking over at Crystal Palace and Fernando Torres officially washing up back at Atletico Madrid!

To Sign Off For Christmas In Style, Here’s Alexis Sanchez Playing ‘Right Here Waiting’ By Richard Marx On Piano…

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By Chris Wright

You're welcome...

Was great to be serenaded by my bro Alexis! Obrigado pela serenata do meu irmão Alexis! #Christmas #Alexis #Poldi #Bro #multitalented #serendaded

A video posted by @Podolski10 (@poldi_official) on Dec 12, 2014 at 11:28am PST

Have a good'n, folks!

Merry Non-Denominational, All-Inclusive, Winter Festival Holiday Wishes From Pies!

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By Chris Wright

Blimey! It's that time of year again when we take a moment to congratulate you all in your flawless taste in independent football blogs and wish all of the Pies faithful (you knows we loves ya baby!) a very merry Christmas/non-denominational winter holiday festival period.

‘I Should Be 1, 2, 3, 4 And 5’ – Zlatan Ibrahimovic ‘Fuming’ After Coming Second In List Of Sweden’s Top Sporting Heroes

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By Chris Wright

Not the happiest of chappies

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is reportedly "fuming" after a Swedish newspaper had the temerity to rank him a lowly second (second!) in a list of the country's all-time sporting heroes.

Ibrahimovic came in behind five-time Wimbledon champion Bjorn Borg in Dagens Nyheter's list of Sweden's top 150 sport icons, and he wasn't happy about it not one bit.

Stoke City 0-2 Chelsea – Fab Display Sees Blues Stay Top For Christmas (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-2 Chelsea Premier League 22nd December 2014

View image | gettyimages.com

Once again, Cesc Fabregas inspired Chelsea to a victory which sees them top the Premier League tree for Christmas.

The former-Arsenal schemer set up the Blues' opener after just two minutes, with his corner headed in by John Terry.

Man City Join James ‘Boring’ Milner As He Opens His Christmas Presents (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's our Jimmy doing an amicably straight-faced job of playing up to the whole"Boring Milner" thing while opening his Christmas presents as part of Man City's ongoing Youtube advent calendar...

Deadpan to the Nth degree. He's like football's answer to John Shuttleworth.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.18: Official Bayern Munich Snuff

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By Chris Wright

Like sea shanties, shadow puppetry, anthropomorphic taxidermy and mushroom foraging, some things just never go out of fashion.

To that end, why not give your loved ones the gift of snuff this Christmas but not just any old snuff, oh no official Bayern Munich-brand snuff.

Snapshot: Lazio’s New Home Shirt Looks Like Something Your Dad Would Be Wearing In Old Holiday Photos…

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By Chris Wright

If rumours are to be believed, Lazio are bringing out a new kit especially to be worn in the second half of the 2014/15 season, to be worn for the first time against AC Milan when the Serie A farts back into life after the winter break on January 25th.

While we appreciate that Macron have tried something different (and succeeded), we can't help but feel it looks like something your dad would be wearing in your old holiday snaps from the late 1980s.

Foul And Abusive: Amateur Footballer Shown Red Card For Warning Opponent About ‘Dog Sh*t’ On The Pitch

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By Chris Wright

The midfielder terrier commits yet another tightly-coiled, rancid-smelling foul

In a tale as old as time itself, a footballer in the West Midlands Christian Football League was recently shown a red card for having the thorough decency to warn one of his opponents about a large, steaming dog egg that had been laid in the middle of their pitch.

Neymar Scores Audacious ‘Rainbow Flick’ Goal During Charity Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Last night saw a host of Brazilian stars turn out for the pithily-named"Ball Hunger Only" charity match in Jundai, Sao Paulo, in which Neymar captained a side of his friends against a team cobbled together by former PSG winger Nene.

Of course, it was the wispy Barcelona striker who stole the show with a showcase of his finest freestyle frippery, with the highlight being his audacious "rainbow flick" goal not that his man-marker was up to much.

Clarke Carlisle In Hospital With After Being Hit By A Lorry On The A64

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By Chris Wright

Clarke Carlisle andhis wife, Gemma

Ex-Burnley, Leeds and Northampton defender and current ITV co-commentator Clarke Carlisle was hospitalised last night after beingby a lorry on the A64 near York.

Carlisle was involved in an accident nearthe village of Bishopthorpe betweenYork and Leeds at 7:30am on Monday morning and, while his injuries have been described as "serious", the BBC are now reporting that theyare "not life-threatening".

Phil Bardsley, Charlie Adam & Jon Walters All On Form As Stoke City Go ‘Full Stoke’ Against Chelsea (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

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They may have lost in the end, but Stoke City as is their wont didn't make things easy for Chelsea at the Britannia last night.

The major talking point was a buffeting tackle from Phil Bardsley on Eden Hazard which sent the Belgian arse-over-tit on the touchline and earned the Stoke defendera yellow card for his troubles.

‘I Did It To Defuse The Situation’ – Bristol Rovers’ Lee Mansell Gives Angry Opponent A Lovely Little Christmas Kiss

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By Chris Wright

Bristol Rovers midfielder Lee Mansell has revealed just why he kissed opposing Gateshead midfielderJJ O'Donnell during Friday night's Conference Premier game between the two sides.

With the pair clambering over one another while jostling for the ball, they eventually ended up forehead-to-forehead with Mansell then attempting to land a smacker on a clearly confused O'Donnell.

Newcastle’s Jonas Gutierrez Makes Winning Return After Overcoming Testicular Cancer (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Jonas Gutierrez played 87 minutes as @NUFC's under 21s beat @whufc_official 4-1 http://t.co/JUIc07U1Qd pic.twitter.com/v396QH4sop

— Match of the Day (@BBCMOTD) December 22, 2014


Good news everybody!

Ecuadorian Player Sent-Off In League Final For Horrendous Horror Tackle On His Own Little Brother (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunday saw Emelec seal their second successive Primera A league title by beating SC Barcelona 3-0 to shore up a 4-1 aggregate victory in the two-legged play-off final.

As it goes, Emelec's win was made all the more straightforward when Barcelona had midfielderAlex Bolanos sent-off in the ninth minute of the game for a furious, reckless, downright dangerous tackle on Emelec's Miller Bolanos his very own littlebrother.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.17: MK Dons Curtain Tie-Backs

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By Chris Wright

If you can think of abetter way to keep your MK Dons curtains tied back than with a slightly non-matching set of MK Dons curtain tie-backs, then we'd like to see it.

Yours for just £4.50 from the club's online store (curtainsnot included).

Belgian Bungle: Lierse ‘Keeper Boban Bajkovic Concedes Slapstick Own-Goal After Almighty Cock-Up (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lierse went down 6-0 against Charleroi in the Belgian Jupiler League over the weekend, with goalkeeper Boban Bajkovic dropping an almighty bollock for the fourth goal of the evening.

With defender Arjan Swinkels rolling a fairly unthreatening ball back to him, Bajkovic proceeded to louse it all up in spectacular style.

Snapshot: Cristiano Ronaldo Sees ‘Anatomically Generous’ Bronze Statue Erected In His Hometown…

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By Chris Wright

So many punchlines, all of them including the word "erection"...

At eye-level too. Jesus Christ.

Reducer: Rayo Vallecano Defender Quini Goes In Two-Footed On His Own Coach (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Rayo Vallecano went down 1-3 at home to Espanyol on Saturday evening and the frustration was plain to see, with Rayo right-back Quini venting his anger with a series of crunching tackles including a two-footed cruncher on his own coach, Paco Jemez.

To be fair to Jemez, he took being unceremoniously scythed down by one of his own players like an absolute champ.

Liverpool 2-2 Arsenal – Skrtel Saves Reds After Dramatic Anfield Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-2 Arsenal Premier League 21st December 2014

View image | gettyimages.com

A 97th minute Martin Skrtel header secured Liverpool a share of the points in what was a highly entertaining clash at Anfield.

The Reds were by far the better side in the first-half, with Wojciech Szczesny Arsenal's saviour on more than one occasion.

Newcastle 0-1 Sunderland – Johnson Winner Has Black Cats Purring In Tyne-Wear Derby (Photos & Highluights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-1 Sunderland Premier League 21st December 2014

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A late Adam Johnson goal was enough to secure yet another Tyne-Wear derby victory for Gus Poyet and Sunderland on Sunday.

Newcastle were slow starters in the firs-half, with the Black Cats looking the far more likely to score.

Grimsby Town Steal The Show With Magnificent ‘John Lewis’ Christmas Advert Parody (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You don't have to go far to find a parody of that friggin' John Lewis "penguin"Christmas advertthese days, but Grimsby Town's take on the damned thingis a cut above.

Being as though they actually have a player on their books named Lenell John-Lewis ("His name is a shop, his name is a shoooop.

Great Disallowed Goals: Jeremy Menez (AC Milan) Scores Outrageous ‘Trick Shot’ After Being Flagged Offside vs Roma (Video)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Shortly after finding himself (correctly) flagged offside against Roma last night, Milan forward Jeremy Menez took the sting off his frustration by tucking away an outrageous "top-spin trick shot" into the empty net from a tight angle.

Snapshot: Real Madrid Add Club World Cup To 2014 Trophy Collection..

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By Alan Duffy

Champions of Europe Real Madrid became champions of the world on Saturday night after the Spanish giants defeatedArgentina's South American champions San Lorenzo courtesy of a 2-0 scoreline in the Club World Cup final in Morocco.

The goals came from Sergio Ramos and Gareth Bale as Madrid bagged their fourth trophy of 2014, coming after the La Liga title, the Copa Del Rey and the European Super Cup.

Football Vine: West Ham’s Andy Carroll Suffers Balance Malfunction Against Leicester

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By Alan Duffy

View image | gettyimages.com

Rejuvenated striker Andy Carroll netted another fine goal on Saturday, as the Hammers beat Leicester 2-0. However, the big targetman was lucky not to do himself some serious damage when he seemed to suffer a malfunction during the game.

Aston Villa 1-1 Man Utd – Falcao On Target But 10-Man Villans Make Their Point Against Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-1 Manchester United Premier League 20th December 2014

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Paul Lambert's Aston Villa produced a superb, battling display against Manchester United on Saturday, with the Villans securing a precious point despite going down to 10 men.

QPR 3-2 West Brom – Bravo Charlie: Austin Saves Hoops With Superb Hat-Trick (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 3-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 20th December 2014

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Charlie Austin once again proved to be QPR's saviour, with the striker bagging a hat-trick to secure a 3-2 win against West Brom.

Man City 3-0 Crystal Palace – Sterling Silva Bags Brace As Citizens Go Level On Points With Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 20th December 2014

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With James Milner filling in up front for striker-less Manchester City, the Citizens overcame a well-0rganised Crystal Palace side at the Etihad in Saturday's early game.

BT Sport’s Christmas Football Advert Is A Marvellous, Expletive-Laden Festive Affair! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting BT Sport's fabulously sweary festive football advert.

Genuinely made us laugh, this...

Bleeped-out swearing is so much more funny that actual swearing!

Poetry In Motion: BBC Sport Commentator Alistair Mann Turns Hull-Swansea Match Preview Into Minor Work Of Art!

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By Chris Wright

"What you did there. I see it"

In what might otherwise have been a fairly humdrum affair, Match of the DaycommentatorAlistair Mann has gone out of his way to turn hisHull City-Swansea Citypreviewfor BBC Sport into a work of art this morning producing, as he has, a wonderful little poem to set the scene.

Scottish FA Charge Dundee United’s Paul Paton For Spitting On Opponent Despite Everybody (Including The ‘Victim’) Denying It Happened

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By Chris Wright

"Que?"

The Scottish FA have confirmedthatDundee United's Paul Paton will be unable to appeal his two-match banfor spitting at Aberdeen's Jonny Hayes despite both players involved openly stating that the incident never actually occurred.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.14: Coventry City Windscreen Washer Fluid

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By Chris Wright

New inthe Coventry City online store: it's 5litres of liquid Christmas...

In fact, the arrival of the screenwash in Coventry's shopwas deemedmomentous enough to warrant a Tweet all of its own...

New in the CCFC Superstore.

Shit Football Kits: SK Brann’s New ‘Weatherproof’ Home Strip Looks Like Its Made Entirely From Red PVC…

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By Chris Wright

Hark at SK Brann's rubbery new home kit, designed or at least so it says here to withstand the chilly drizzleand biting cold of the average NorwegianTippeligaen season.

All looks a bit uncomfortableto us, in a fetish-y kind of way.

All Hail The King: Kazuyoshi Miura, The World’s Oldest Professional Footballer, Signs New One-Year Deal With Yokohama FC

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Kazuyoshi Miura, seen here on the left right

Several outfield players have made it into their forties over recent years, but none have ventured as deep into the middle-aged wilderness as Japanese legendKazuyoshi Miura, who is still plugging away at the ripeold age of 47 putting the likes of Ryan Giggs, Javier Zanetti, Rivaldo et al to shame.

12-Year-Old Man Utd Fan Gets Wayne Rooney To Autograph Her Head After Losing Her Hair During Leukaemia Treatment (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

With Wayne Rooney and a small gaggle of other Manchester United players visiting Royal Manchester Children's Hospital the other day, 12-year-old leukaemia patient Charlotte Jennings seized her chance to bag herself a few autographs.

Youtube Trolls Who Disrupted Tottenham’s Europa League Tie Recieve Three-Year Football Ban

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By Chris Wright

Remember how we all laughed and laughed when those three "Youtube pranksters" repeatedly disrupted Tottenham's Europa League tie against Partizan Belgrade last month?

The moronic trio of trolls took it in turns to invade the pitch at White Hart Lane as part of a pre-planned viral marketing stunt, eventually causing the game to be temporarily suspended.

Ex-UKIP Member Blames ‘Gay Curse’ On Liverpool’s Failure To Land Premier League Title

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By Alan Duffy

Former UKIP candidateand current member of the English Democrats, Paul Rimmer, has claimed on his Facebook page that Liverpool FC's sponsoring oftheir local Gay Pride march two year's ago angered God, who in turn put a curse on the Reds which stopped them winning the 13/14 Premier League title.

Arturo Vidal Scores Cracking Curler As Serie A Leaders Juventus Ease Past Cagliari (Video & Vine)

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By Alan Duffy

View image | gettyimages.com

After three straight draws, Serie A leaders Juventus got back to winning ways on Thrusday night, courtesy of a pretty comfotable 3-1 win away to Cagliari.

The goal of the game was undoubtedly this beaut from Arturo Vidal, with the midfielder bending home a fine, controlled effort.

Celtic Striker Leigh ‘Good Samaritan’ Griffiths Offers To Replace Family’s Stolen Christmas Presents

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By Chris Wright

"Agent Nice Guy, reporting for duty"

With just aweek to go until the big day, a burglary at their home left a family from Edinburgh facing the unenviable chore of having to scrape together the money to re-buy all of their young son's Christmas presents.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.14: FC Dnipro Bucket & Spade

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By Chris Wright

When you think of the seaside, only one football club springsto mind:FC Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk.

With the club virtually synonymous with hazy summer days at the beach, titting about in the rockpools and strolling along the promenade with a tiddly-om-pom-pom, this wonderful bucket and spade set is available from Dnipro's online storefor just 45 Ukrainian Hryvnia that's just £1.

Jilted: Santos Fan Sues Neymar For Joining Barcelona, Claims He Suffered ‘Moral And Material Damages’ As A Result

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By Chris Wright

It may well be the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit, but a jilted Santos fan is suing Neymar after the prodigious Brazilian striker's 2013 move to Barcelona supposedly left him sufferingfrom"moral and material damages".

The Santos fan in question is one Luciano Pereira Caparroz, who apparently lost all sense of rationality and perspective after learning that Neymar had struck a clandestine agreement to join Barca way back in 2011, shortly beforethe Catalans played Santos in the Club World Cup final.

Roy Keane Hunted Tom Cleverley Down Like A Wild Dog To ‘Discuss’ Leaked Aston Villa Bust-Up Rumours

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By Chris Wright

"I'm coming for you, boy"

This could all beutter tish and fipsy but The Sun are reporting (a bad start, we know) that Roy Keanereportedly paid Tom Cleverley' a little home visit earlier this week to confront the midfielder after rumours emerged as to the murky details of Keane's sudden departure from Aston Villa several weeks ago.

Marco Reus Fined €540,000 After Being Found Guilty Of Driving Without A License For The Last THREE YEARS!

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By Chris Wright

Marco's made an illegal U-turn on Wallybritches Boulevard before turning right into Doofus Street

A sort of half-sensational story is circulating in the German press this morning, with the news that Marco Reus has been hit with a hefty fine after it was found theBorussia Dortmund winger had been merrily pootling around in his car without a license for the last THREE YEARS!

Scunthorpe United Knock Worcester City Out Of FA Cup After Mammoth, Record-Breaking Penalty Shoot-Out

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By Chris Wright

It may have taken them an absolute age but Scunthorpe United eventually managed to put an end to non-league Worcester City's FA Cup heroics by way of an epic, record-breaking penalty shoot-out at theAggborough Stadium last night.

With the second-round tie finishing 1-1 after extra-time despite a total of 54 chances raining in on goal (28 for Worcester, 26 for Scunthorpe) over the course of 120 minutes, what followed was thelongest penalty shoot-out in FA Cuphistory.

Bayern Munich Sign Off For The Winter With Spectacular Psychedelic Laser Show (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Tuesday evening's game against Freiburg being their final home game before the Bundesliga goes intohibernation for the winter, Bayern Munich doffed their collective cap to their faithful fans by signing off with a fantastical psychedelic laser show at the Allianz Arena after the final whistle.

41 Of The Crappest Football Autobiographies Ever To Have Existed

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By Chris Wright

This one does exactly what it says on the tin: a whole cavalcade of some of the most stupefyingly dull footballing autobiographies to have ever made it to print.

However, it's worth remembering that these literary dudslike this little lot are keeping the British pulping industry alive so it's a definite case of swings and roundabouts.

‘Mario Balotelli Is An Ordinary Player And A Wasted Talent’ – Guess Who?

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By Chris Wright

With a prize* on offer to anyone who can guess correctly, see if you can ascertain which of his ex-teammates had these damning words to say about one Mario Balotelli.

"Balotelli? Everyone told me he was amazing and I played with him and I can say he is strong but he didn't seem to me as though he was world class.

Middlesbrough Fan Banned From Every Football Ground In England For Tearing Pages Out Of The Koran

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By Chris Wright

Kick It Out have confirmed that a Middlesbrough fan has today been banned from entering every football ground across the country after being caught tearing pages out of a Koran in the crowd during her side's 2-2draw away against Birmingham City last December.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.14: Birmingham City Play-Dough Fun Box

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By Chris Wright

We're a week out from the big day so woe betide you if you've left your Christmas shopping this late, as there's simply no way Birmingham City won't have sold out of these little beauties by now.

A snip at just £2.50 from the Blues Store, the official Birmingham City "Fun Dough Box" contains five ingotsof mouldable dough, twocutting shapes, a fun dough protruder and what's more it all comes presented in a "Blues branded carry box".

Iker Casillas Demonstrates Amazing Memory Skills, Recalls Scorers From Games He Played In 14 Years Ago (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"82, 82, 82...246 toothpicks, total"

Proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is Real Madrid's answer to Rain Man, Iker Casillas put on a clinic of memory skills recently when challenged by club staff to recall scores and scorers from games (chosen at random) that he played in some 14-odd years ago.

Everton Players Tell Their Finest Terrible Christmas Cracker Jokes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The theory is that Christmas cracker jokes are deliberately groan-inducing so as to unite the room against the joke, so to speak if the joke is good and you tell it and it doesn't get a laugh, it's your problem. If the joke's bad and it doesn't get a laugh, then it's the joke that's rubbish, etc.

Celtic To Give Free Match Tickets To Unemployed Fans As Christmas Gesture Of Goodwill

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By Chris Wright

Perhaps inspired by Steven Naismith's similar charitable gesture several months ago, Celtic have announced that they are planning to give free tickets to out-of-work fans this Christmastime.

Coming via the club's official website, Celtic made the following announcement earlier today:

"[We]are pleased to announce that we are giving away a free ticket to supporters who are unemployed this Christmas for our next home match against Ross County on Saturday December 27.

Snapshot: See If You Can Guess What This Granny Took With Her To The Valencia Game…

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By Chris Wright

Time for a little game.

Spotted waggling around jubilantly amidst the crowd during Valencia's 3-0 win over Rayo Vallecano on Saturday evening, see if you can/dare hazard a guess at the prop this old lady decided to bring with her to the Mestalla...

If you said "a large dildo", then well done; good eye.

‘Your Sweat Or Your Panties, Please’ – Zlatan Ibrahimovic Receives Very Specific Request From Very Strange PSG Fan (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Soooo, this happened at the weekend...

A very specific request in Guingamp this weekend for @Ibra_official... #PSG #Zlatan #Ligue1 pic.twitter.com/dgYNPTBVHw

— Chris Peilow (@cjpeilow) December 15, 2014

"Why, it would be my pleasure,Monsieur"

View image | gettyimages.

Everton 3-1 QPR – Barkley Bags Beauty As Toffees Ease To Goodison Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 3-1 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 15th December 2014

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Everton moved above rivals Liverpool in the league table, courtesy of a deserved win at home to QPR.

The visitors started the game brightly withMatty Phillips going close however, a corker from Ross Barkley just after the half-hour mark kickstarted the Toffees' evening.

All In The Timing: Nottingham Forest Win £250k Football League Transfer Fund Hours After Being Hit With Football League Transfer Embargo

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By Chris Wright

Psycho finds out the hard way that what the Football League giveth, the Football League taketh away

Nottingham Forest have won a spectacularly ill-timed £250,000 transfer fund from Football League sponsors Sky Bet, just 24 hours after receiving a transfer embargo until the end of the season from the Football League.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.13: Official Real Madrid Etch-A-Sketch

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By Chris Wright

Hours of funand a snip at just £6 (plus p&p) from the club's online store: it's the official Real Madrid "magic picture" etch-a-sketch...

Why not throw in an official Real Madrid car steering wheel and dog tent (as in a small tent, specifically for dogs) to complete the set?

14 Brilliant Photos Of Thierry Henry In His Arsenal Pomp

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By Chris Wright

Sadly, all things must pass (into retirement), with the news today that the great Thierry Henry has bitten the bullet and called time on his playing days at the grand old age of 37 not that he looks a day over 30.

Undoubtedly one of the most gifted players of the post-millennium era, the long, lithe, elegant French forward wasundoubtedly the greatest player to play in the Premier League,at least to Pies' mind.

Thierry Henry Announces Retirement With ‘Rocky’ Analogy, Joins Sky Sports As Pundit

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By Chris Wright

After formally announcing that he was leaving New York Red Bulls a week or two ago, Thierry Henry's next career move had tongues-a-waggin', with whispers on the wind that the 37-year-old striker may be about to return to Arsenal for one last fling before finally calling it a day.

Denmark U21 Youngster Pione Sisto Has Press Conference Interrupted By Embarrassing Parents (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in Denmark, a young man by the name of Pione Sisto is causing something of a stir after recently being selected for the Danish U21s for the very first time.

Currently impressing at FC Midtjylland, Sisto moved to Denmark with his Sudanese parents (more on them in a moment) at two-months-old and has basically grown up Danish.

XI Football Players Who Have Gone Missing

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By Chris Wright

And before any of you bloody rabble start with the "Player X goes missing for Team Y every week" nonsense, we're talking about players who have gone AWOL here, not MIA...

11. Hatem Ben Arfa

Hull City managerSteve Bruce has this very morning claimed he has "absolutely no idea" where Ben Arfa is after banishing the stroppy French wingerfrom the Tigers fold.

Europa League Round Of 32 Draw: Liverpool Face Besiktas, Tottenham Snag Fiorentina, Everton Hoping To Lick Young Boys

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By Chris Wright

The Europa League round of 32 draw is done and dusted, fickle lady luck has danced into the fire, the wheel in the sky has turned, Jerzy Dudek has spoken and the line-up is as follows...

Young BoysvsEverton
TorinovsAthletic Bilbao
SevillavsBorussia Monchengladbach
WolfsburgvsSporting Lisbon
AjaxvsLegia Warsaw
AalborgvsClub Brugge
AnderlechtvsDynamo Moscow
DniprovsOlympiakos
TrabzonsporvsNapoli
GuingampvsDynamo Kiev
VillarrealvsRed Bull Salzburg
RomavsFeyenoord
PSVvsZenit
Liverpool vsBesiktas
TottenhamvsFiorentina
CelticvsInter Milan

Yay!

Despite Their Woes, Dortmund Put On Admirable Show Of Fair Play During Hertha Berlin Defeat (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Borussia Dortmund slipped up once again this weekend just gone, losing 0-1 against Hertha Berlin to tumbleback down below theBundesliga's dotted line o' doom.

However, despite the crisis, Dortmund's players still put on a tremendous show of good sportsmanship during the game collectivelyhaltingplay and refusing to take advantage afterHertha's Per Ciljan Skjelbred temporarily lost his boot and took several secondsto put it back on.

Champions League Last 16 Draw: Chelsea Drawn Against Zlatan, Arsenal Land Monaco, Man City Stuck With Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

It's all over and done out there in Nyon, with the draw for 2014/15 Champions League last 16 looking something/exactly like this...

PSG vsChelsea
Man City vs Barcelona
Bayer Leverkusen vs Atletico Madrid
Juventus vs Dortmund
Schalke vs Real Madrid
Shakhtar Donetsk vs Bayern Munich
Arsenal vs Monaco
Basel vs Porto

Initial thoughts?

Oil Check: Disturbingly Gross Foul Goes Unpunished In The Kuwaiti Premier League (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So...um...this cracked off in the Kuwaiti Premier League over the weekend (we believe the technical term is "oil checking")...

!! تتوقعون شنو صار مباراة اليوم كاظمه والنصر...#الكويت

A video posted by جرايمq8 (@jraymq8) on Dec 12, 2014 at 12:04pm PST

Now there's a good one for "You're The Ref" fans though we'd pity any illustrator who had to sketch it.

The Club World Cup Quarter-Final Between Cruz Azul And Western Sydney Wanderers Was A Little On The Damp Side… (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

"By 'eck chaps, it's tipping it down out there"

With eventual winners Real Madrid not scheduled to turn up until the semis later this week, the 2014 Club World Cup farted into life in Morocco over the weekend with the quarter-final tie between Cruz Azul and Western Sydney Wanderers taking place at therain-sodden Prince Moulay Abdellah Stadium in Rabat.

Norwegian Newspaper Produce Magnificent Pink Floyd-Inspired Front Page Tribute To David De Gea (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

David De Gea's terrific non-shall-pass performance against Liverpool on Sunday afternoon has already attained viral status, with all the usual poorly-photoshopped Gandalf and Matrix picsdoing the rounds once again.

However, Norwegian newspaper VG Sporten went one further and actually committed their meme to print, with Monday's front page taken up by a gigantic Pink Floyd-inspired tribute to "The Wall".

Swansea 1-2 Tottenham – Lilywhites Saved By Christian At Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 14th December 2014

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Another late goal for Spurs secured them a hard-fought and arguably undeserved victory away at Swansea on Sunday.

The visitors he lead after just four minutes, courtesy of a powerful Harry Kane header.

Man Utd 3-0 Liverpool – No Relief For Rodgers As Reds Flop At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester 3-0 Liverpool Premier League 14th December 2014

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Liverpool's dismal 14/15 campaign continued in disappointing style at Old Trafford on Sunday, a place where the Reds crushed their hosts 3-0 only in March.

Hirsute Voice Of Reason Richard Keys Criticises Santi Cazorla’s “Lack Of Respect” For Cheeky Panenka Penalty V Newcastle

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By Alan Duffy

Respect for others and Bein Sport presenter Richard Keys go together like erm, Keys and his goon sidekick Andy Gray. They were made for each other. During Arsenal's 4-1 mauling of Newcastle on Saturday evening, the big hairy eejit showed his disapproval for Santi Cazorla's clever chipped 'Panenka' penalty which fooled young 'keeper Ben Alnwick.

Crystal Palace 1-1 Stoke City – Potters Pinch Point In Stodgy Selhurt Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 1-1 Stoke City Premier League 13th December 2014

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In what was a rather ragged game overall, two early goals settled the contest, with James McArthur and then Peter Crouch securing a point each for their respective sides.

West Brom 1-0 Aston Villa – Gardner Sows Seeds Of Success For Baggies In Midlands Derby (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Aston Villa Premier League 13th December 2014

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Ex-Villamidfielder Craig Gardner fired the Baggies to their first win in six games in this Midlands derby at the Hawthorns on Saturday.

Sunderland 1-1 West Ham – Hammers Stay Fourth After Hard-Fought Point Against Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-1 West Ham United Premier League 13th December 2014

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West Ham came from behind to secure a hard-earned point at the Stadium of Light on Saturday, a point which keeps the Hammers in the top four.

The hosts opened the scoring on 22 minutes, courtesy of a Jordi Gomez spot-kick.

Arsenal 4-1 Newcastle – Santi Comes To Town As Gunners Shoot Down Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 4-1 Newcastle Premier League 13th December 2014

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Coming off the back of a 4-1 Champions League win in Galatasaray, Arsenal repeated the scoreline with a convincing win against Newcastle at the Emirates.

Leicester 0-1 Man City – Lampard On Target As Citizens Keep Pressure On Chelsea (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leicester City 0-1 Manchester City Premier League 13th December 2014

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Despite being without Sergio Aguero and then seeing Edin Dzeko injured in the warm-up, Manchester City still managed to se4cure a vital victory against Leicester which keep the Premier League champions just three points behind leaders Chelsea.

Football Vine: Arjen Robben Hits The Deck With Yet Another Shameless Dive vs Augsburg

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By Chris Wright

Yet more horrendous, conniving floppage from Arjen Robben, this time before Bayern Munich's game against Augsburg had even kicked off...

The man has no shame.

Suggested further viewing...

33 Breathtaking Photos Of Arjen Robben In Full ‘Dying Swan' Mode

Burnley 1-0 Southampton – Barnes’ Winner Lifts Clarets Out Of Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 1-0 Southampton Premier League 13th December 2014

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A second-half goal from Ashley Barnes moved Burnley out of the bottom three after a tight game at Turf Moor.

Southampton did have chances to win this game, with Dudsan Tadic seeing a penalty saved by Ton Heaton and Victor Wanyama and Nathaniel Clyne, amongst others, going close.

Chelsea 2-0 Hull – Blues Dive For Victory Against 10-Man Tigers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0Hull City Premier League 13th December 2014

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In a game marred by diving and nasty challenges, Chelsea ultimately proved too good for visitors Hull at Stamford Bridge.

Eden hazard headed home the opener after just seven minutes but Hull fought back and stopped the Blues from building on that early lead.

Retro Football: Frank Sinatra Writes To Graeme Souness To Thank Him For A ‘Lovely Gift’, 1990 (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Admittedly things are a looking a little ropey these days but it's fair to sayGlasgow Rangers have had somestellarnames grace the turfat Ibrox over the years.

However,none are more famous than the bloke who pitched up atRangers' abode on 12th June, 1990.

Cristiano Ronaldo Bestows All His Real Madrid Teammates With Swanky £6,500 Personalised Bulgari Watches…

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By Chris Wright

"Not you James. You can have a Casio calculator watch"

As a token of thanks for their continued support, Cristiano Ronaldo has gifted each of his Real Madrid teammates with a snazzy new personalised timepiece.

Engraved with Ronaldo's CR7 brand, the recipient's nameand "La Decima" (tomark Real's historic tenthEuropean Cup win last season), each of the Bulgari Diagono watches supposedly retail ata hefty €8,200 (around £6,500) a pop.

Retro Football: 18 Cracking Vintage Photos Of British Players Who Moved Abroad

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By Chris Wright

Presenting 18 cracking vintage photos of British players who have moved to play abroad- celebratingthose intrepid souls who have ventured from these shores to ply their trade overseas (to varying degrees of success) over the years...

Charlie Mitten, along with his wife and children, board a Pan-Am plane to Colombia ahead of the formerManchester United player joining Santa Fe.

Pepe Once Again Proves He’s Not A Total Git – Hands Out Christmas Food Parcels To Madrid’s Disadvantaged (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

There is an awful lot to dislike about Pepe the professional footballer, but it would appear that "Pepe the human being" is actually a thoroughly decentchap.

Just as he did last January, the oft-maligned Real Madrid centre-half spent his Thursday night distributing emergency food parcels to the most disadvantaged residents of his local neighbourhood of Las Rozas, Madrid.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.12: Liverpool’s Iconic ‘This Is Coffee’ Coffee Tin

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By Chris Wright

Never afraid to flaunttheir proud, proud history as part of "thebrand", these inspiring little beauties are available right now in Liverpool's online store...

Iconic, almost definitely Shankly-approved and just one English tenner for the whole lot.

Europa League: Legia Warsaw Take An Absolute Age To Score Bizarre Goal vs Trabzonspor (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Everybodyhad their eyes closed? That explains a lot

Legia Warsaw beat Trabzonspor 2-0 in the Europa League last night to shore up top spot in their group, though the opening goal which eventually went down as an own-goal by Trabzonspor 'keeperFatih Ozturk seemed to take an absolute bloody age to come about.

Everton Reward Commitment Of Krasnodar’s 14 Travelling Fans By Upgrading Them All To Posh Seats

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

Here's a little footballing goodwill yarn that's sure to warm your cockles on this chilly winter's morn.

Asmall, hardy band of Krasnodar fans schlepped almost the entire breadth of a continent to watch their side take on Everton at Goodison in the Europa League last night.

Snapshot: The Lights Go Down On Lilywhites In Istanbul…

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By Alan Duffy

Not once, but twice did the floodlights go off during Tottenham's 1-0 defeat by Besiktas in Istanbul on Thursday night. Once not long after the game had begun and once again just before the end. And in what has become a regular feature in modern football, the darkness was immediately peppered with the lights of myriad mobile phones.

Europa League: Everton 0-1 Krasnodar – Toffee Teens Lose At Goodison, Still Top Group H (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton0-1 FK Krasnodar Europa League Group H 11th December 2014

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Having already won the group, Everton boss Roberto Martinez sensibly decided to rest a number of his star men, with his young side going down by a single goal at home to Krasnodar.

Europa League: Besiktas 1-0 Tottenham – Lights Go Out On Lilywhites’ Hopes Of Topping Group C (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Besiktas 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur Europa League Group C 11th December 2014

View image | gettyimages.com

In a game marred by two floodlight failures, Tottenham failed to cement top spot in Group C, with Turkish giants Besiktas securing a precious 1-0 win.

Snapshot: Ben Foster Has A Waxwork And It Will Haunt Your Dreams For Eternity…

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By Chris Wright

Promising young West Brom and England goalkeeper Ben Foster, 31, has had his waxwork done and, as is usually the case, the resultant abomination is absolutely terrifying...

Produced by sportingwaxwork purveyorsLifeLikeSport, worringly it sounds like the glorified Ben Foster candle is scheduled to go on public display somewhere.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.11: Norwich City Tambourine

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By Chris Wright

Because nothing says "Christmas" like cheap, naffpercussion:it's the official Norwich City tambourine.

Available in three fetching shades of hideous neon and yours for a very reasonable £4.50 from the Canaries'online store...

Marvellous.

Santos Have Club Legends Pele, 74, And Coutinho, 71, Try To Play FIFA On The Xbox (Video)

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By Chris Wright

View image | gettyimages.com

"Misty, water-coloured memories of the way we were..."

Having first played alongside each other as teenagers in December of 1958, Santos decided it was high time tochallengeclub legends Pele and Coutinho to moveinto the 21st century by having the pair square off in a game of FIFA on the Xbox.

Gunnerblog Present: Arsene Wenger Responds To Boo-Boys By Singing ‘Let It Go’ From Disney’s Frozen (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The chaps over at Gunnerblog have done it again, this time parodying the frankly disrespectful close-quarters abuse levelled at Arsene Wenger over the past few days by issuing an official response on the Arsenal manager's behalf...

(Via Gunnerblog)

Knightmare: Gerard Pique Turns Up For Barcelona Duty Wearing World’s Ugliest Jumper (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

So, this is how Gerard Pique saw fit to turn up for Barcelona's final Champions League group stage tie against PSG last night in some kind of ridiculous knitted chain-mail armour...

"Yeah, the missus bought me it off Etsy. Promised I'd wear it tonight, didn't I?

Champions League: Roma 0-2 Man City – Brave Citizens Conquer Rome And Head Into Last 16 (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Roma 0-2 Manchester City Champions League Group E 10th December 2014

#460255710 / gettyimages.com

Manchester City produced a battling performance in the Olympic Stadium in Rome to make it through to the last 16 for the second season in a row.

Champions League: Chelsea 3-1 Sporting – Blues Stroll To Victory At Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-1 Sporting Champions League Group G 10th December 2014

#460251260 / gettyimages.com

Jose Mourinho rested a number of key players for this dead-rubber (from Chelsea's point of view) clash with Sporting on Wednesday night, but the Blues still cantered to a 3-1 win.

Joey Barton Reveals He Was Sent A Death Threat While Playing In France With Marseille (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Joey Barton have revealed that he was sent a death threat during his time on loan with Marseille a couple of years ago.

"Found some old 'fan mail'. Amazing what some people consider 'a little friendly advice' these days," Barton wrote on Twitter.

Peruvian Player Miraculously Survives After Being Struck By Lightning During Match

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By Chris Wright

Unbelievably, a Peruvian player has mirculously survived being struck by lightning during the weekend's Copa Peru game between Sport Aguila and Minera Force in the city ofHuancayo.

Sport Aguila left-back Joao Contreras collapsed to the floor after the bolt hit the pitch as the second-half was about to kick-off amid a torrential rain storm, with many people presuming he'd died instantly.

Champions League: Galatasaray 1-4 Arsenal – Gunners Gun Down Gala In Istanbul (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Galatasaray 1-4 Arsenal Champions League Group D 9th December 2014

#460209158 / gettyimages.com

Arsenal produced an impressive, if ultimatelymeaningless, performance in Turkey on Tuesday, battering Galatasaray 4-1 but still finishing second in Group D courtesy of a goal difference.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.10: Official Werder Bremen Nesting Box

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By Chris Wright

As detailed on the official Werder Bremen webstore, this little plywood beautycreates a perfect "green-white home for little birds".

The nesting box is weatherproofed, contaminant-free, handcraftedin the mountains ofErzgebirge and and!

Merry Xmas Everybody: QPR Squad Mime Along To Slade’s Christmas Classic, Mass Awkwardness Ensues… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

#85231872 / gettyimages.com

As part of their Youtube advent calendar, QPR's squad and management team have been press-ganged into miming along with Slade's omnipresent Yuletide banger, "Merry Xmas Everybody" with thoroughly predictable results.

Nedum Onuoha bloody well goes for it and Glenn Hoddle certainly starts getting into the swing of things, but several players just stand there, silently screaming "I don't want to be here" down the camera with their eyes.

Champions League: Liverpool 1-1 Basel – Reds Crash Out After Anfield Flop (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 FC Basel Champions League Group B 9th December 2014

#460208816 / gettyimages.com

Anfield has played host to many a great European night, but on Tuesday the Liverpool fans bore witness to a limp display from the Reds, and one which saw the Merseysiders dumped out of the Champions League before the knockout stages.

‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ – Basel Give Liverpool A Ribbing On Instagram After Sending The Reds Packing

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By Chris Wright

FC Basel have proved themselves adept atgiving English clubs a rough ride in European competition in the recent past: beating Chelsea twice in the 2013 Champions League before sending Tottenham packing from the Europa League later that same year.

After ending Liverpool's Champions League campaign last night, the Swiss club played up to their reputation posting (then swiftly deleting) the following image to their official Instagram account.

Football Vines: Aaron Ramsey Scores Magnificent Long-Ranger Thunderbolt For Arsenal v Galatasaray

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By Alan Duffy

#460202300 / gettyimages.com

Welsh wizard Aaron Ramsey has been somewhat off-form this season, but in recent games the Arsenal midfielder has started to find his old form. Against Galatasaray on Tuesday night, the Welshman bagged a brace, including this outstanding long-range effort, which was hit with his bad foot.

Football Fan Attempts To Make The Fallon d’Floor Awards (For Diving And Theatrics) A Reality

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By Chris Wright

Much as the FIFABallon d'Or awards sustained footballing excellence, a football fan over on Reddit has devised a similar award to honour(in the loosest sense possible) the biggest, most flagrantly egregious display of play-acting each calendar year.

Positioned as football's answer to The Razzies, the award would bean attempt to shame the game's biggest cheats by drawing widespread ironic attention to their low-down antics.

Snapshot: Carlos Tevez Unveils Enormous New Back Tattoo Of Daniel Agger-Esque Proportions…

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By Chris Wright

Juventus striker Carlos Tevex took to Twitter yesterday to show off after having his enormous work-in-progress back tattoo filled in and finished off by tattooist-to-the-stars Piotrek Taton...

Gracias amigo por tu magnífico arte!

The Sun Issue Pithy Apology To QPR Striker Charlie Austin After ‘Unnamed Man’ Caption Balls-Up

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By Chris Wright

Sterling stuff from The Sun newsdesk this morning, with the following caption appearing at the top of a photo from QPR's blood-soaked Christmas shindig on Sunday evening...

The "unnamed man" of course, being one Charlie Austin: QPR striker/the Premier League's fourth-top goalscorer/the highest scoring Englishman in the division.

FC Zurich File Criminal Complaint Against Midfielder Sandro Wieser For Horrific Tackle On Gilles Yapi Yapo

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By Chris Wright

Swiss side FC Zurich have filed a criminal complaint against Aarau midfielder Sandro Wieser for a horror tackle during a match between the two sides last month that left Zurich striker Gilles Yapi Yapo with what might turn out to be a career-ending injury.

Zurich have issued a statement to announce that they have askedthe public prosecutor of the Lenzburg-Aarau region to consider bringing charges of assault against Wieser, having previously begun legal proceedings against him in November.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.9: Huddersfield Town Tea Bags (Box Of 80)

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By Chris Wright

For the discerning char-drinker in your life, why not treat them to the gift of Huddersfield Town's official own-brew tea bags this Christmas.

Despite the disconcertingly vague description of the taste ("a fan's brew"), at just £5 from the Terrier's online store,you'd be a fool tomiss out.

Fitba Thatba Show Us The Real James Milner… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Rockin' harder than a geology seminardelivered by Meatloaf, here's Fitba Thatba showing us just what it's like to spend a night in the company of James Milner.

Spoiler: it all gets a bit "Oscar Pistorius-y"...

(Via Fitba Thatba)

German Sixth-Tier Match Graced By Absolute Monster Goal From Maurice Kühn (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Way, way down in the German 6. Liga on Sunday morning, TSVMarl-Hüls registered a 2-2draw away againstFC Iserlohn that kept them sitting pretty at the summit of theWestfalenligatable.

The game was also graced by the kind of goal that every Sunday League player dreams of, with TSV's MauriceKühn rattling in an absolute belter from inside his own half that flew over the Iserlohn 'keeper and pinged satisfyingly in off the crossbar.

QPR Christmas Party Ends With Steven Caulker Being Rushed To Hospital With ‘Blood Pouring From His Head’

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By Chris Wright

On Sunday evening, QPR's annual Christmas party ended exactly how most Joey Barton-attended soirées end: with someone being rushed to hospital with a gaping head wound.

Initial newspaper reports asserted that Steven Caulker was taken to A&E with "blood pouring from his head" after an altercation with a fellow reveller over a spilt drink at a south London pub.

Southampton 1-2 Man Utd – RVP Brace Shoots Down Saints As Red Devils Go Third (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-2 Manchester United Premier League 8th December 2014

#460157908 / gettyimages.com

A Robin Van Persie brace secured a hard-fought win for Manchester United at St. Mary's on Monday night, a game which the Red Devils were rather lucky to win.

Aston Villa 2-1 Leicester – Villans Looking Up As Foxes Flop Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 2-1 Leicester City Premier League 7th December 2014

#460102206 / gettyimages.com

A rare Alan Hutton goal secured a precious victory for Aston Villa at home to Leicester on Sunday, a win which sees the Villans register back to back Premier League wins.

Robbie Keane Suffers Tiny, Weeny Boot Embroidery Fail During MLS Cup Final (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

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Along with the rest of hisLA Galaxy brethren, Robbie Keane had a pretty flawless Sunday afternoon scoring the winning goal in extra-time against New England Revolution to clinch a record-breakingMLS Cup championship title for his team.

Snapshot: So, This Happened At Bayern Munich’s Christmas Party…

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By Chris Wright

'Tis the season and all that malarkey, so last night saw Bayern Munich hold their annual Christmas party at chef Alfons Schuhbeck's Teatro eatery (a "theatrical restaurant" if you will) in Munich.

It wasn't long before things turn a turn for the weird, with the pre-dinner entertainment consisting of some guy unleashinga leaf-blower into his own mouth.

West Ham 3-1 Swansea – Carroll Brace Heads Hammers Into Top Three (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 3-1 Swansea City Premier League 7th December 2014

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Sam Allardyce's rejuvenated West Ham moved into the top three on Sunday after shooting down Swansea at Upton Park.

Wilfried Bony opened the scoring for the Welsh side on 19 minutes but just before half-time Andy Carroll rose to head home the equaliser.

The Club With No Name: Steaua Bucharest Forced To Play Anonymously After Losing Legal Right To Their Identity (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Former European champions Steaua Bucharest were reduced to referring to themselves only as "the hosts" to play a Romanian league tie against CSMS Iasi over the weekend after the club legally lost all rights to their name and identity.

The long and short of it is that a court upheld a claim from the Romanian ministry of defence that Steaua were using their intellectual property without consent.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.8: Official Sporting Lisbon Swimming Cap

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By Chris Wright

When it comes to Christmas, what do you getthe Portuguese football fan who has everything?

Available in a wide range of two colours, the Sporting swimming cap (and an almost entirely water-tight scalp) could be yours for the low, low price of just€5.

MLS Cup Final: ‘Unidentified Fan’ Scores The Winner As LA Galaxy See Landon Donovan Off In Style (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The MLS Cup, seen here with unidentified fan

An extra-time, 111th-minute winning goal from Robbie Keane saw LA Galaxy squeak a 2-1 win over New England Revolution in last night's MLS Cup Final to wrap up a record-breaking fifth championship title for the chaps from La La Land.

Football Vine: Peter Crouch Goes Crowd-Surfing At Kasabian Gig

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By Chris Wright

While Arsenal fans flocked to the train station to hurl abuse at a 65-year-old club legend, Peter Crouch decided to unwind after Stoke's 3-2 victory over the Gunners on Saturday by taking his good lady wife to see Kasabian at the O2 Academy in Brixton.

Standard Liege Play With Red Tape All Over Their Shirts To Avoid Charleroi Kit Clash (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

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This be Standard's standard kit, sans tape

With the Belgian Pro League struggling to tread water in competitive terms, the whole shebang took a gigantic toe poke in the credibility yesterday when Standard Liege were forced into DIY customisation of their home shirtsin order to avoid an unforeseen kit clash with opponents Charleroi.

Hull 0-0 West Brom – Tigers Tumble Into Drop-Zone After KC Stalemate (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 0-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 6th December 2014

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Hull dropped into the bottom three after playing out a rather turgid goalless draw with West Brom on Saturday.

The hosts had 'keeper Allan McGregor to thank for a penalty save on nine minutes from Graham Dorrans, after Victor Anichebe had been felled in the box by Jake Livermore.

QPR 2-0 Burnley – Supercharged Austin Drives Hoops To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 2-0 Burnley Premier League 6th December 2014

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In what has been a poor season for QPR so far, Charlie Austin has been a rare positive, and once again the striker was instrumental in the Hoops' home win against Burnley.

Man City 1-0 Everton – Citizens Keep Pressure On Blues Despite Aguero Scare (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-0 Everton Premier League 6th December 2014

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Manchester City made sure to capitalise on Chelsea's slip up against Newcastle, with the Citizens win against Everton moving them to within three points of Jose Mourinho's league leaders.

Tottenham 0-0 Crystal Palace – Impressive Eagles Push Lilywhites All The Way At Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 0-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 6th December 2014

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Spurs were lucky to dodge defeat at White Hart Lane on Saturday, after Crystal Palace had threatened Hugo Lloris' goal time and time again.

Welcome To Stoke: Charlie Adam Clamps Chokehold On Poor Little Alexis Sanchez (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

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Nope, can't see anything wrong with that.

Stoke 3-2 Arsenal – Potters Pound Brittle Gunners At Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 3-2 Arsenal Premier League 6th December 2014

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Arsenal produced another trademark capitulation on Saturday, with the Gunners going 3-0 down to Stoke before eventually losing 3-2.

A feeble back-four of Gibbs, Mertesacker, Chambers and Bellerin was battered by the Potters in the first-half, with Peter Crouch netting after just 19 seconds.

Newcastle 2-1 Chelsea – Cissé Shoots Down Blues’ ‘Invincible’ Dreams (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-1 Chelsea Premier League 6th December 2014

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Chelsea's unbeaten start to the season came to an end at St. James' Park on Saturday, with a brace from Papiss Cissé shooting down the league leaders.

Liverpool 0-0 Sunderland – Stalemate At Anfield As Reds Fail To Fire (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Sunderland Premier League 6th December 2014

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Liverpool's disappointing season continued at Anfield on Saturday afternoon, with the Reds failing to break down a well-organised Sunderland side.

With captain Steven Gerrard given a breather, the hosts struggled to click in a game bereft of many good chances.

Paul Scholes Scores Good Ol’ Fashioned Thumper During Global Legends Match (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Over in Bangkok last night, the inaugural Global Legends Series game took place, with Team Fabio Cannavaro registering an 8-5 win over Team Luis Figo in a 13-goal thriller.

Goal of the game came courtesy of Paul Scholes, who whacked an absolute lumphammer of a shot past Jens Lehmann.

Stubborn Goat Comes On As Substitute During Local Crete Amateur Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The recent amateur tie between local sides Elounda and Ierapetra on the Greek island of Crete had to be stopped multiple times after a particularly stubborn pitch-invader repeatedly refused to leave the goalmouth.

Mid-way through the game, a goat pottered into the goalmouth (feed him and he will score!

Shit Lookalikes: Alan Shearer And ‘Stay Another Day’-Era East 17

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By Alan Duffy

Does his punditry thing for the Beeb's FA Cup coverage of Hartlepool against Blythe Spartans on Friday night, Alan Shearer wrapped up well for the chilly night at Victoria Park. However, the furry collar on his coat added to his shaven bonce (not to mention the time of the year) reminded us of a classic Christmas number one.

‘Obrigado’ – Recently Ill Pele Thanks Fans For Their Concern Via The Medium Of Song (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ask your parents

In the process of recovering after being hospitalised by a nasty urinary tract infection, Pele decided to thank his legions of fans and well-wishers the world over.

Posted to his Facebook page last night, Pele's little acoustic ditty is entitled "Obrigado" (Portuguese for 'thank you') and goes a little something like this.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.7: Newcastle United Toilet Mat

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By Chris Wright

Perfect for sopping up stray urinethis Christmas,it's the official Newcastle United toilet 'U' mat...

An absolute steal at just £6.49 from the Toon's online store, though you'd be a fool not to complete the set by lumping in the matching toilet seat cover too yours for just £7.

Leicester City Manager Nigel Pearson Caught Telling Fan To ‘F**k Off And Die’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Nigel Pearson is being urged to publicly apologise to a Leicester fan after appearing to tell the supporter to "f**k off and die" during Tuesday's defeat against Liverpool.

Pearson had already come under pressure forgriping about Leicester fans' general unrest, telling reporters that they "shouldn't bother coming" if they are going to criticise his team, who are currently knee-deep in a nine-game winless quagmire.

‘We Used To Call Chinese People ‘Chingalings’’ – Dave Whelan Apologises For Offensive Comments, Makes Things Ten Times Worse…Again

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By Chris Wright

"Pssst...Dave...stop talking...pssst...DAVE..."

Wigan owner Dave Whelan has once again attempted to apologise for offendingeverybody and has, once again, promptly made things ten times worse.

Speaking to the Jewish Telegraph of all newspapers, Whelan proceeded to ram his little buckle-up size 7′s down his oesophagus, once again going on the record and making an absolute tit of himself.

Classic Moments: Michael Ballack Fails At Target Practice, 2008 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Re-uploaded by the Chelsea Twitter bods this very morning, this classic clip sees former Blues midfielder Michael Ballack dabbling in a spot of target practice during a training session at Cobham back in 2008.

Tasked with clipping a ball through a hoop, Ballack instead attempts to do it at 100mph.

Brisbane Roar Star Katrina Gorry Scores An Absolute Ripper In Women’s A-League (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brisbane Roar midfielder Katrina Gorrytook it upon herself to show us all why she's just been crownedtheAFC Women's Player of the Year by scoring an absolute ripper of a 35-yard drive against Canberra United in the W-League last weekend...

To put it in a bit of perspective, Gorry's only 4'9″ tall (1.

Everton 1-1 Hull – Sone Shines At Goodison As Tigers End Losing Streak (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 Hull City Premier League 3rd November 2014

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A second-half strike from sub Sone Aluko stopped the rot for Steve Bruce's Hull side and gave them a share of the points at Goodison Park.

The hosts had started well and eventually opened the scoring 34 minutes when Romelu Lukaku fired home after great work from Kevin Mirallas.

Sunderland 1-4 Man City – Aguero Stars Again As Citizens Skin Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-4 Manchester City Premier League 3rd November 2014

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Sergio Aguero produced another superb individual display as Manchester City came from a goal down to thrash Sunderland 4-1 at the Stadium of Light.

Chelsea 3-0 Tottenham – Drogba Rolls Back Years As Blues Crush Lilywhites (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 3rd November 2014

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Despite seeing Harry Kane go close on two occasions early on, Chelsea ultimately cruised to yet another win at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.6: Fenerbahce Hairdryer

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By Chris Wright

Down from £149.99 to an astonishingly low price of just £99.99 in the club's online store, soon you could be drying your statelylocks with 1907 watts (how very convenient) of Fenerbachean hot air.

It'll be like drying your hair using the very winds of the Bosphorus.

Hamburg Midfielder Maxi Beister Secures European Patent For His ‘Snack Cup’ Invention

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By Chris Wright

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When it comes to extra-curricular activities, most professional footballers are usually content with playing Xbox until their thumbs are raw, customising Range Rovers and connecting the dots on their standard-issue tattoo sleeves.

Arsenal 1-0 Southampton – Sanchez The Saviour As Gunners Down Saints (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Southampton Premier League 3rd November 2014

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Alexis Sanchez once again proved to be Arsenal's saviour after a tense and tight clash at the Emirates.

Southampton matched the hosts for long periods of the game, with little real goalmouth action to speak of.

Worrying Trends: Delirious Arsenal Fan Spotted Wearing Entire ‘Half-And-Half’ Football Kit…

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By Chris Wright

It wasn't long ago that Pies first voiced our concern that the plague of the half-and-half shirt had truly befallen us, but it would appear that the sickness runs much deeper than we first postulated.

Spotted milling around the bowels of The Emirates before Arsenal's 1-0 win over Southampton last night, this fan was presenting even more worrying symptoms.

Iago Aspas Breaks Robbie Fowler’s Hat-Trick Speed Record With Phenomenal Four-Minute Blitz (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He couldn't hit an aircraft hangar door at Anfield, but Iago Aspas broke Robbie Fowler's record for the fastest hat-trick ever scored by a Liverpool player last night with a sub-four-minute, three-goal blitz againstSabadell in the Copa Del Rey.

It Would Appear David Moyes Hasn’t Quite Mastered Spanish Yet… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that Pies are in any position to mock given our embarrassing lack of Español, but it would appear that Real Sociedad coach David Moyes hasn't quite mastered the local vernacular if this press conference snippet is anything to go by...

"Dos, tres, cuatro.

Rivaldo Puts Boyhood Club Mogi Mirim Up For Sale On Instagram

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By Chris Wright

Rivaldo and his son, Rivaldinho, who also plays for Mogi Mirim

Having started his professional career there way back in 1992 and served as club president for the past six years, former Barcelona and Brazil star Rivaldo has been forced to put his boyhood side, Mogi Mirim Esporte Club, up for sale.

Dortmund Players Step Behind The Bar To Pull Pints For Fans At Club Christmas Party (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Pint of Stubby Warlock for me and a Babycham for the lady, please fella"

Presumably by way of an apology for their utterly rancid form so far this year, several Borussia Dortmund players went behind the bar at the club's annual Christmas party to personally pull pints for fans in attendance.

Aleksandar Kolarov Has Festive Boxing Match With Man City Kitman Les ‘Chappy’ Chapman (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday we had child-genius David Silva solving a Rubik's Cube in just 16 moves, but today's instalment of Man City's Youtube advent calendar sees a boxing bout between Aleksandar "The Silent Assassin" Kolarov and City kit man Les "Chappy/The Chainsaw" Chapman,who just so happens to have Edin "Mickey" Dzeko in his corner for good measure.

Leicester 1-3 Liverpool – Gerrard On Target As Foxes Flop Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leicester City 1-3 Liverpool Premier League 2nd December 2014

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Liverpool came from a goal down to secure a confidence-boosting victory at the King Power Stadium on tuesday night.

A Leonardo Ulloa shot which hit the post before deflecting in off Simon Mignolet's bonce had given the Foxes the lead with 22 minutes on the clock.

Shit Lookalikes: Simon Mignolet & This Liverpudlian Wheelie Bin

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By Chris Wright

Cracking spot from the @BBCSporf chaps.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over (waatpies@gmail.com) or Tweet it over to us (@waatpies) and we'll give itthe once-over!

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.5: Official VfL Wolfsburg Tomato Ketchup

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By Chris Wright

Yours forjust two-and-a-half Euros (that's a mere £1.97) via VfL Wolfsburg's online webstore, you could soon be pepping up your bratwurst with a splooge of official club ketchup ketchup we're assured is"tasty andperfect for the barbecue".

‘Keep Scrolling Down The Table And You’ll Find Them’ – Schalke Have Cheeky Twitter Dig At Struggling Rivals Dortmund

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By Chris Wright

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Chances to give their Ruhr rivals a bit of a ribbing have been few and far between over the past few years, so with Dortmund slipping to the foot of the Bundesliga after last weekend's 2-0 defeat against Eintracht Frankfurt, their beloved neighbours Schalke 04 seized the opportunity to rub it in with gusto.

Real Madrid Prodigy Jese Rodriguez Makes Goalscoring Return After 258 Days Out Injured (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Making waves at the Bernabeu last season before his meteoric rise was cruelly stymied by a cruciate injury, the prodigious Jese Rodriguez made his long-awaited return to the Real Madrid first team after nine months (258 days to be precise) on the sidelines making a goalscoring comeback as Los Blancos stuck five unanswered goals past Cornella (9-1 agg.

Man Utd 2-1 Stoke – Red Devils Down Potters To Make It Four Wins In A Row (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-1 Stoke City Premier League 2nd December 2014

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A Juan Mata free-kick secured another win for Louis Van Gaal's revitalised Red Devils at Old Trafford on Tuesday night.

Marouane Fellaini had given the hosts the lead on 21 minutes, courtesy of a header, only for Stoke midfielder Steven Nzonzi to level things up just before half-time.

Toasty: Hearts Fan Goes To Watch Celtic Game Wearing His Dressing Gown (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the crowd during Hearts' 0-4 home defeat against Celtic on Sunday, this Jamboobviously detected a distinct nip in the air on the morning of the game and decided to toddle along to Tynecastle with his dressing gown on and a spare ciggie tucked behind his ear.

Napoli’s Official 2015 Club Calendar Looks Weird…Really, Really Weird (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Given that the club is owned and ran by a certified madman, it's hardly surprising that Napoli don't exactly do things by the book when it comes to...well, just about everything.

To that end, a few images from their imminent 2015 club calendar have been leaked today and and we can honestly say this without an exaggeration or hyperbole it looks like one of the most unsettling collections of imagery Pies have ever seen.

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.4: Authentic Tottenham Hotspur Vodka

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By Chris Wright

Our annual in-depth exploration of the endless river of tatwonderful Yuletidetreats that your beloved football clubs are willing to hawkyou continues apace asChristmas begins to crown over the horizon.

Today we've beensnuffling through Tottenham's online superstore, where we stumbled upon a truly fantastic gift idea for the alcoholic Spurs fan in your life: authentic White Hart Lanevodka.

Mario Balotelli Apologises Over Iffy ‘Super Mario’ Instagram Post, FA Politely Ask Him To Explain It To Them

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By Chris Wright

He's never been the sharpest sandwich in the drawer, but Mario Balotelli has once again stirred up a hailstorm of completely unnecessary controversy by posting an offensive picture to his Instagram account.

The picture in question...

Much like Malkay McKay's ridiculous text messages, it's hard for Pies to imagine anybody of the various races, nationalities and/or religions mentioned being genuinely offended by such lightweight guff but still, that's not really the point.

New 2014/15 Barcelona Home Kit To Feature Horizontal Stripes For First Time Ever (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

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First they said we'd never see a sponsor splashed across the front of it, now it looks like Barcelona are ready to ditch their famous vertical blaugrana stripes in favour of a new horizontal design for next season.

Barca's kit has featured vertical stripes or a variation thereof for their entire115-year history, but it seems that 2014/15 will be the season where it all goes arse-over-nape.

Japanese Goalkeeper Does A ‘Jimmy Glass’, Scores 92nd-Minute Winner To Send His Side Into Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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Montedio Yamagata 'keeper Norihiro Yamagishi (team who scored) and Jubilo Iwata.

Jubilo Iwata took on Montedio Yamagata in the Japanese second division play-off semi-final on Sunday.

Montedio Yamagata finished 6th in the J2 League whilst hosts Jubilo Iwata came fourth.

Snapshot: Pavel Nedved Given The Waxwork Treatment, Finds The Whole Thing Hilarious! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Complete with authentic "Patrick Swayze in Point Break" hair, Pavel Nedved had his waxwork inducted into the Grevin Wax Museum in Prague yesterday, with the ex-Juventus midfielder and 2003European footballer of the Year appearing to find the whole thing bloody hilarious!

Ian Wright Auditions For Role In New ‘Star Wars’ Movie, Turned Down For Being A Little Short For A Stormtrooper

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By Chris Wright

"No Shaun, I am your father"

Already a bona fide star of the big screen after his brief but seminal cameo in 2011's "Gun of the Black Sun" (actually described by the people who made it as a "digital music terrorism/Neo-Nazi thriller"),Ian Wright has admitted that he came perilously close to securing himself a role in the new Star Wars movie only to be knocked back after the audition stage.

Football Vine: Leeds Midfielder Adryan Turns Reaction To Foul Vs. Derby Into Magnificent Piece Of Gymnastic Performance Art

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By Alan Duffy

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Brazilian U20 starlet Adryan made a right eejit of himself during Leeds' 2-0 win against Derby at the weekend. Reacting to a challenge from the Ram's Johnny Russell, the on-loan Flamengo player fell to the floor and rolled over before producing the most remarkable leap of agony, like arecently caughtfish desperate to get back into the water.

Accidental Partridge: Michael Owen Takes Delivery Of His New Range Rover (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a vocal timbre that actively drains colour and joy from the world, here's boring, boring Michael Owen taking receipt of his brand new Range Rover a result of doing "horsey business" with some bloke called Alexander.

This is not an Alan Partridge-esque spoof, despite what every fibre of your being is telling you.

Dinamo Bucharest Coach Flavius Stoican Goes Out For Meal At Restaurant, Finds Out He’s Been Sacked From His Waiter

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By Chris Wright

Flavius Stoican: sacked by a waiter

While it will never eclipse Pies' undoubted favourite eastern European managerial sacking story (NK Precko Zagreb's Josip Gaspar, please take a bow), the tale of how ex-Dinamo Bucharest coach Flavius Stoican came to learn of his recent dismissalis a bit of abelter in its own right.

The Very Best Of Hakan Calhanoglu: Bayer Leverkusen Free-Kick Master’s Greatest Hits…So Far (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

No doubt you'll have caught wind of the name by now, but it would appear that first Hamburg and now Bayer Leverkusenhave procuredthemselves something of a gem in the shape of Turkish midfielderHakan Calhanoglu.

Indeed, his name would probably be reverberating on a few more people's lips outside of Germany were it a little easier to pronounce ("Hakan Shal-an-ollu", we think we're right in saying).

FAIL: David James Lashes Out At Goalpost, Goalpost Wins Comfortably (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Refreshing to see a veteran still living the gimmick, here's David "Calamity" James who last we heard was auctioning off his worldly possessions coming a cropper in classic style over in the Indian Super League; lashing out at a poor, defenceless goalpost and losing.

Aleksandar Kolarov Will Not Sing For You This Christmas Unless His Demands Are Met… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We probably don't need to remind you as you've no doubt been unable to erase it from your waking nightmares ever since, butAleksandar Kolarov has carved himself a bit of a niche these past two years with his bleak, harrowing spoken-word folk-poetry recitals of your favourite festive tunes as part of Man City's annual Youtube advent calendar.

Euro 2016 Mascot Name Revealed As ‘Super Victor’, Also Given Compelling Back-Story

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By Chris Wright

As you may remember, UEFA foisted their new, nameless Euro 2016 mascot upon the world a fortnight or so ago, leaving the choosing of his moniker up to fans by way of an online interactive poll the three choices being Driblou, Goalix or Super Victor.

‘It Will Be A Beautiful Death’ – L’Equipe Dedicate 100 Pages To Thierry Henry As Potential Retirement Looms

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By Chris Wright

Pre-empting the fact that he may well have played the last game of his glittering career this weekend just gone, L'Equipe have gone ahead and devoted 100 pages of the November edition of theirmonthly magazine supplement to Monsieur Thierry Henry.

Shit Lookalikes: Roy Keane & Captain Haddock (From ‘Tintin’)

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By Chris Wright

One is a thundering, cantankerous, bearded old sea dog who smells vaguely of the quayside at all times.

The other is Captain Haddock from "Tintin"...

Smashing spot from Pies fan Ciaran Butler there! Well played, sir.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Pies’ 2014 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.3: Official Sunderland USB Travel Adaptor

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By Chris Wright

At just £15 from the official Sunderland online store, the USB travel adaptor allows Black Cats fans to nail their club colours to the mast while both powering and charging their electronic devices in over 150 countries worldwide...

It's also made in China, so you know it's good.