Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2014

Team Sponsored By ‘Adult Special Interest Tube Site’ Banned From Playing In University League

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By Chris Wright

An amateur football team have been forced to pull out of a university league after officials were offended by their "totally inappropriate" choice of kit.

Indeed, the University of Kent sports department have since discharged The Rutherford Raiders from theirinter-college football league entirely.

St Albans City Striker Forced To Apologise After Skipping FA Cup Match To Watch El Clasico

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By Chris Wright

Conference South side St Albans City have hit striker John Frendo with their maximum fine after the 29-year-old dipped out of an FA Cup game at the weekend in order to attend the El Clasico game between Real Madrid and Barcelona.

According to the Herts Advertiser, Frendo flew out to watch Real Madrid beat Barcelona 3-1 in the Bernabeu while his St Albans teammates were busy slogging their way to a 1-0 cup defeat against Concord Rangers.

Harry The Parrot Has An Impressive Array Of Man City Chants At His Disposal! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Making Radamel Falcao's pet parrot Coco look like a monosyllabic piece of feathery crap in comparison,here's Harry the Man City-supporting parrot a bird withan impressive tally of five or six fullCity chants in his repertoire...

He may a brain the size of an olive, but we'd honestly rather have Harry provide Sky Sports' punditry for the derby over Jamie Redknapp.

River Plate Do The ‘Ajax’ Thing And Have Players Personally Deliver New Shirts To Fans’ Houses (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Call us sentimental old tarts, but we love little things like this.

Here's River Plate doing the old "Ajax" thing and having their players; namelyTeo Gutierrez, Leonardo Ponzio and Fernando Cavenaghi (remember him?); head out to personally deliver the club's new shirt to fans who had pre-ordered it online.

Man Utd Fan Spends 25 Hours Lovingly Carving Faces Of Van Gaal & Pellegrini Into Pumpkins For Halloween (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With the big derby just around the corner, oneManchester United has decided to go all out this Halloween and create loving pumpkin effigies of the two managers set to be duking it out at the Etihad this Sunday afternoon.

Having been challenged by a staff member at his local Asda to concoct a Manc-derby-themed creation using nowt but two of their enormous 15kg pumpkins,Simon McMinnis spent a total of 25 hours hacking approximations of thefaces of Louis van Gaal and Manuel Pellegrini into the pumpkins.

Eye-Waterer: Hamburg Keeper Jaroslav Drobny Uses Sensitive Area To Make Painful Save vs Bayern Munich (Video)

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By Chris Wright

#458050740 / gettyimages.com

As previously mentioned, Bayern Munich beat Hamburg 3-1 in the DFB Pokal last night, so Hamburg keeperJaroslav Drobny is probably wondering why he bothered to make one save in particular as he nurses his tender, swollen cobblersthis morning.

FAIL: Napoli ‘Striker’ Jose Callejon Somehow Misses From Directly Underneath Atalanta’s Crossbar (Video)

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By Chris Wright

#458055352 / gettyimages.com

Despitea rotten old start to the season and the team still struggling to stumble across any kind of semblance of form, Napoli ultimately could have risen tothird in Serie A with a victory over Atalanta on Wednesday evening.

Sadly, the fates once again conspired against Rafa Benitez's hapless outfit, with Gonzalo Higuain fluffinga 92nd minute penalty and Jose Callejon somehow failing to find the back of the net shortly beforehand despite finding himself momentairlystationed directly beneath Atalanta's crossbar with the ball at his feet to ensure the game ended 1-1.

Franck Ribery Slapped In The Face By Scarf-Wielding Hamburg Fan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

#458053144 / gettyimages.com

Bayern Munich cruised to a routine 1-3 away victory over Hamburg in the DFB Pokallast night though the night wasn't completely without incident, with a scarf-wielding fan doing Franck Ribery a bit of a mischief right at the end of the game.

Football GIF: Newcastle’s Moussa Sissoko Slices Citizens Apart With Super Solo Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What a difference a couple of wins can make, eh! Once Alan Pardew and his Newcastle side looked all at sea but now the Magpies are back on song.

Against Manchester City on Wednesday night, the MAgpies produced a superb display to deservedly beat the Citizens and move into the last eight of the Capital One Cup.

Arsene Wenger To Voice London Tube Station Announcements As Part Of ‘Poppy Day’ Celebrations

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By Chris Wright

"Ze 14:08 train to Finsbury Park? I deednotsee it"

Arsene Wenger is lending hisinimitable voice to a scheme being run by the London Underground as part of the Royal British Legion's annual 'Poppy Day' appeal that will see the Arsenal manager voicing station announcements around the Emirates Stadium this week.

Two Indonesian Teams Kicked Out Of League After Ludicrous Game Sees Five Own-Goals Conceded In Final Few Minutes

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By Chris Wright

Two Indonesian Premier League clubs have been booted out of the league after they staged a frankly farcical spectacle on Sundayin which five own-goals were deliberately conceded in farcical fashion during the last ten minutes of the match.

With the game goalless until the final stretch, PSS Sleman beat PSIS Semarang 3-2 after both sides reportedly realised that a defeat would see them spared a play-off game against the infamousPusamania Borneo FC a fearsomeclub who are alleged to have ties with organised crime groups.

Smooth Talkin’ County FA Official Suspended After Telling Aspiring Female Referee ‘Her Place Is In The Kitchen’

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By Chris Wright

Say what you want about the guy, but it turns outNorthumberland County FA vice president John Cummings is one smooth talking son-of-a-gun.

The county official has been suspended for four months today after busting out a stone cold misogynist classic after being approached by afemale referee who was inquiring about the possibility of officiating in theNorth East Sunday League.

Lukas Podolski Set To Make Acting Debut In German Comedy Movie ‘Macho Man’

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By Chris Wright

"Thanks to the entire crew, had a great time! Looking forward to watching the result..." (poldi_official/Instagram)

We've seen a healthy glut of footballers make the jump to the big screen over the years; whether we're talking Vincent Jones' lucrative "silent thug-for-hire" shtick, Eric Cantona's arthouse lager advert masterpieces, Andres Iniesta's unforgettable turn as an animated albino pirate or even John Terry's mesmerisingly erotic film debut, "Seduction".

Alfreton Town Manage Fairly Respectable Result Against Lincoln City Despite Having A Midfielder In Goal All Night

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By Chris Wright

Despite losing by a fairly hefty old margin, mitigating circumstances meant that Alfreton Town's heavy loss to Lincoln City in theFA Cup fourth qualifying round replay last night remained a relatively respectable result.

A raft of injuries meant that Alfreton were left without a recognised goalkeeper for the replay and, unable to register any new players who weren't registered with the club for the first game on Saturday, were forced to play the entire replay with an outfield player in goal.

FA Suspend Referee Mark Clattenburg For Going To An Ed Sheeran Concert

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By Chris Wright

The FA have suspended Mark Clattenburg from refereeing any Premier League games this weekend after he sullied his name by attending an Ed Sheeran concert immediately after officiatingWest Brom's 2-2 draw with Crystal Palace last Saturday.

According to ESPN FC, Clattenburg shot off after the game on his own so he could dart back to Newcastle to make the Sheeran show at theMetro Radio Arena that evening.

Football Vine: Swansea’s Federico Fernandez Sees Red For Challenge Hardly Worthy Of A Foul Vs. Liverpool

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By Alan Duffy

With this Capital One Cup Last 16 game between Liverpool and Swanseaheaded for extra-time,, defender Federico Fernandez was sent off by ref Keith Stroud for what looked to be a decent and fair challenge.

Mario Balotelli had levelled late on after Marvin Emnes' opener on 65 minutes but the sending-off at the death of Argentina international Fernandez proved to be the undoing of Swansea.

Capital One Cup Vine: Chelsea’s Mohamed Salah Shoots, But Definitely Doesn’t Score

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By Alan Duffy

A bit-part player for Chelsea since his arrival in January, Egytpian attacker Mohamed Salah obviously needs to do all he can to impress Jose Mourinho whenever he gets a chance. However, judging from this dismal effort during Chelsea's Capital One Cup clash with Shrewsbury, the 22-year-old might be trying a bit too hard.

FIFA Reveal Offical Emblem For 2018 World Cup…

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By Alan Duffy

So, after the obligatory hoo-haa in Moscow, the powers-that-be in FIFA revealed the emblem for the 2018 World Cup, and very, very red it is too. Indeed, to me it looks like a very shy duck, but it's still quite cool!

And while we're at it, here's a look back at the all the previous World Cup emblems which is quite nice!

Al Ahly Midfielder Walid Soliman Slapped With Four-Match Ban For Untucking Referee’s Shirt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Egyptian FA have issued Al Ahly midfielder Walid Soliman with a four-match suspension for raising his hands to the referee during his side's 0-0 draw against AlAsyouty Sport on Monday evening.

More specifically, having been sent-off for picking up a second yellow card, the aggrieved Soliman marched over to the refand unceremoniously untucked the official'sshirt.

QPR 2-0 Aston Villa – Charlie Bravo Two Zero: Austin Brace Lifts Hoops Off Bottom (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 2-0 Aston Villa Premier League 27th October 2014

#457957538 / gettyimages.com

A Charlie Austin brace secured a precious win for harry Redknapp's QPR on Monday, a result which sees the west Londoners lifted off the bottom of the Premier League table.

Leipzig Striker Daniel Frahn Hits The ‘RKO Outta Nowhere!’ Goal Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're kind of over this now, but it looks like the 'RKO Outta Nowhere!!!' fad has just reached the 2. Bundesliga, with Leipzig striker Daniel Frahn celebrating his goal against Vfl Bochum at the weekend by laying the smacketh down on his American teammateTerrence Boyd.

Brazilian Player Thanks Stray Dog For ‘Lucky Bite’ After Being Nipped While Removing It From Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Unlike the exquisitely well-mannered houndthat inadvertently made itsway onto the pitch during theArgentinian Primera Division match between Belgrano and Quilmesa a week or two ago, the dog that caused a temporary disturbancemid-way through thisweekend'sBrazilian regional cup match between Sau Paulo-RS andFarroupilha was an altogether more temperamental so-and-so.

FAIL: Adelaide United Striker Awer Mabil Misses An Absolute Sitter From Couple Of Yards Out (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Adelaide United forward Awer Mabil, making only his second appearance of the season, found himself presented with an absolute gift of an open goal against Perth Glory on Sunday afternoon.

Having already scored his first goal of the season earlier in the game, Mabil looked dead-set to double his tally when the ball bobbled loose to him at the far post with the Perth defence scattered.

FIFA Announce 2014 Ballon D’Or Shortlists And They’re Positively Chock Full Of Surprises!

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By Chris Wright

...by which, of course, we mean they absolutely pick themselves once again.

Via FIFA.com:

The following 23 men are in contention for the FIFA Ballon d'Or 2014:

Gareth Bale
Karim Benzema
Diego Costa
Thibaut Courtois
Cristiano Ronaldo
Angel Di Maria
Mario Götze
Eden Hazard
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Andres Iniesta
Toni Kroos
Philipp Lahm
Javier Mascherano
Lionel Messi
Thomas Müller
Manuel Neuer
Neymar
Paul Pogba
Sergio Ramos
Arjen Robben
James Rodriguez
Bastian Schweinsteiger
Yaya Toure

The following ten coaches are in contention for the FIFA World Coach of the Year for Men's Football 2014:

Carlo Ancelotti (Real Madrid)
Antonio Conte (Juventus/Italy)
Pep Guardiola (Bayern Munich)
Jurgen Klinsmann (USA)
Joachim Loew (Germany)
Jose Mourinho (Chelsea)
Manuel Pellegrini (Manchester City)
Alejandro Sabella (Argentina)
Diego Simeone (Atletico Madrid)
Louis van Gaal (Netherlands/Manchester United)

The winners of all of the awards will be revealed at the FIFA Ballon d'Or gala at the Zurich Kongresshaus on 12 January 2015, along with all the other little bits and bobs Sepp and his cronies dole out.

Classic Moments: Local News Station Welcome ‘Premier League Legend’ Darren Huckerby To MLS, 2008 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

DA'RON HUCKERBY: PREMIER LEAGUE LEGEND

With Bradley Wright-Phillips becoming the all-time record MLS single-season goalscorer at the weekend, Pies' train of thought inescapably beganmeandering towardDarren Huckerby as it so often does.

Official: Phil Jagielka Clocked As The Fastest Player In The Premier League (No, Seriously)

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By Chris Wright

"Keep up, lads!"

Stuck for something to do, the Daily Mail have been keeping themselves busy by clocking and logging the fastest sprints acheived byPremier League players this season.

Using EA Sports tracking data to compile sprinting speeds, the Mail cobbled together a Top 10 and squeezed it out earlier today.

CSKA Sofia Coach Accused Of Play-Acting After Being ‘Knocked Unconscious’ By Snowball Thrown From Crowd

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By Chris Wright

If you're going to throw a snowball, throw it at Neil Warnock

With things already a bit on the nippy side over there, the Bulgarian top flight derby clash between Levski Sofia and CSKA Sofia on Saturday afternoon was enveloped in snow...AND CONTROVERSY!

Ouch! Wigan Boss Uwe Rosler Well And Truly Poleaxed By Derby Midfielder Johnny Russell (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's the official highlight videowe've been waiting for all weekend: Wigan manager Uwe Rosler getting well and trulypoleaxed (he's almost entirely arse-over-titat one point!) by Johnny Russell after the Derby midfielder overshoots the Pride Park touchline by several metres.

Andriy ‘Artful Dodger’ Shevchenko Is A Master Pickpocket (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He's dabbled in politics and even semi-professional golf since calling time on his playing career, but if both fall through it would appear that Andriy Shevchenko can always fall back on his impressive street theft skills to make a tidy living.

Football Vine: Fernando Torres Attempts Ill-Advised Scissor Kick, Almost Goes Out For Throw-In

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By Chris Wright

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With a couple of goals in seven appearances so far, Fernando Torres is doing extremely nicely (by recentstandards) on loan at AC Milan though it seems the Chelsea man is still struggling with his old hang-ups from time to time.

Worrying Trends: The Plague Of The ‘Half-And-Half’ Football Shirt Is Truly Upon Us (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Pieswere just about getting to grips with the maddening logicof the half-and-half scarf when modern football culture goes and delivers us another stiff toe-poke to the goolies: The half-and-half shirt.

Now, we've seen Arsenal fans butchering two perfectly good shirts to create half-and-half home/away jersey cut-and-shuts in the past, but at the very least the two donor shirts have belonged to the same club.

Hamburg Sub Resorts To Desperate ‘Sunday League’ Tactics To Distract Hertha Berlin Forward (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Hertha Berlin wingerAnis Ben Hatira bearing down on his team's goal, Hamburg substitute Gojko Kacar resorted to desperate Sunday League-style tactics in an attempt to throw his opponent off.

It didn't work...

We can't for the life of us fathom why, but it seemsSunday League defendingis very "in" at the moment.

Man Utd 1-1 Chelsea – Last-Gasp Van Persie Strike Denies Blues Victory At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-1 Chelsea Premier League 26th October 2014

A late, late strike from Robin Van Persie denied league-leaders Chelsea victory at Old Trafford in Sunday's late game. The Blues had been the better side for the majority of the game, but in a dramatic last few minutes, they saw their lead slip.

Tottenham 1-2 Newcastle – Subs Steal Precious Victory For Magpies At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur1-2 Newcastle United Premier League 26th October 2014

After a first-half where the hosts were far superiorand well worth their one-goal advantage, visitors Newcastle fought back to produce a fine second-half display which ultimately earned them their second win in a row.

Burnley 1-3 Everton – Samuel Bags Two’o As Clarets Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Burnley 1-3 Everton Premier League 26th October 2014

A brace from Samuel Eto'o helped Everton to a deserved win at Turf Moor on Sunday. Romelu Lukaku also got on the scoresheet in a game where Burnley struggled to stamp their authority despite working hard throughout.

Football Vine: Hearts Defender Alim Ozturk Scores 40-Yard Wonder-Strike In Edinburgh Derby

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By Alan Duffy

With the score at 1-0 to Hibernian, Hearts down to 10 men and just a few minutes left on the clock, this Edinburgh derby looked like giving the Jambos their first defeat of the Scottish Championship campaign. However,Turkish centre-half Alim Ozturk decided to move out of defence and unleash a truly magnificent long-range effort which went in off the underside of the bar.

Swansea 2-0 Leicester – Bony Brace Shoots Down Toothless Foxes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 2-0 Leicester City Premier League 25th October 2014

A brace from Wilfried Bony was enough to give Swansea a deserved victory against Leicester on Saturday. The Ivorian's goals came on 34 and 57 minutes are were fair reward for a performance which saw the Swans dominate the game.

Chelsea Japester Branislav Ivanovic Trolls Oscar By Turning Up At His Book Signing

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By Chris Wright

"Wow! It's such an honour to meet you! Can I get a selfie? Wow!"

(Via Reddit/Chelsea)

Snapshot: West Ham Pair Amalfitano & Valencia Accidentally Celebrate Goal Among The Man City Fans

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By Chris Wright

Overcome with an urge to leap into the crowd after scoring against Manchester City this afternoon, West Ham pair Morgan Amalfitano and Enner Valencia forgot the first rule of celebrating with the fans:Always look before you leap...

Amalfitano lucky not to get 2nd yellow for celebration in crowd.

Man City Magician David Silva Scores Jinking, Curling Wonder-Goal Against West Ham

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City's pint-sized magician David Silva produced a moment of pure individual magic at the Boleyn Ground on Saturday, slaloming past a whole load ofWest Ham defenders before curling home a cracking goal.

What a fantastic effort!


(Vines: Andrew & Simon (@CFCZone))

Russell Brand Showers Sam Allardyce With Kisses After Interrupting Post-Match Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Revolutionist dipstick Russell Brand was in the crowd (well, sort of more on that shortly) for West Ham's shock 2-1 win over Man City at Upton Park this afternoon, and showed his gratitude to Big Sam for masterminding the heroic victory by showering the Hammers manager with kisses during his post-game interview.

West Ham 2-1 Man City – Hammers On Song As Citizens Arrest At Boleyn Ground (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-1 Manchester City Premier League 25th October 2014

West Ham produced a superb display at Upton Park in Saturday's early game, battling to a deserved 2-1 win against the Premier League champions.

After a slow start, the Hammers starting to boss the first-half with former Arsenal man Alex Song outstanding in the middle of the park.

Liverpool 0-0 Hull – Reds Misfire At Anfield As Tigers Battle For Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Hull City Premier League 25th October 2014

Despite dominating for large periods of this game at Anfield, Liverpool couldn't break down a well-organised Hull City side, with both sides ultimately taking a point each.

The hosts peppered the Tigers' goal during the 90 minutes with Dejan Lovren and the out-of-form Mario Balotelli both going close.

West Brom 2-2 Crystal Palace – Berahino Saves Baggies With Last-Gasp Spot-Kick (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Crystal Palace Premier League 25th October 2014

This clash at the Hawthorns was a right game of two halves, with the Eagles bossing the first 45 before the Baggies fought back after the break.

The hosts struggled to click in the first-half and were 2-0 down by the break, courtesy of goals from Brede Hangeland and Mile Jedinak (via a spot-kick).

Sunderland 0-2 Arsenal – Sanchez Bags Brace As Bungling Black Cats Hand Gunners Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-2 Arsenal Premier League 25th October 2014

Arsenal secured a much-needed if hardly-deserved victory at the Stadium of Light on Saturday. The Gunners' best player by some distance, Alexis Sanchez, bagged both goals in a game where the hosts were once again their own worst enemies.

Southampton 1-0 Stoke – Sadio The Mané Man As Saints Win Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 25th October 2014

Sadio Mané's 33rd minute strike secured yet another home win for high-flying Southampton at St. Mary's on Saturday. The former Red Bull Salzburg thumped the ball home after a Graziano Pelle effort had hit the post and it was fair reward for another impressive display from the Saints.

Rio Ferdinand Announces Plan To Retire At End Of The Season On The Jonathan Ross Chat Show

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By Chris Wright

There have been whispers on the wind in recent weeks, but Rio Ferdinandhas now openly stated his intention to retire from football at the end of the current season.

The cynic in us would suggest that he's about three years too late, but hey ho.

Ferdinand, who turns 36 in November, said as much in an interview with Jonathan Ross onthe latter'sITV chat show, scheduled to air this Saturday evening.

Fitba Thatba Tackle The Thorny Issue Of Rubbish Luis Suarez Jokes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's those Fitba Thatba urchins again, this time tackling the thorny issue of rubbish Luis Suarez jokes as the man himself prepares to return to competitive action this Saturday evening.

The official blurb:

As Luis Suarez prepares to enter the field of play for Barcelona in El Clasico this weekend, we have prepared an animated short detailing everything that has (definitely not) gone on behind the scenes.

Robert Pires ‘Punched In The Face’ By Opposing Coach During Indian Super League Game

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By Chris Wright

It's a crime against nature we know, but Robert Pires was allegedly "beaten" and punched in his beautiful, beautiful face by an opposing coach during a half-time barney mid-way througha recentIndian Super League.

Pires' coach at FC Goa, Zico, has told press that the French veteran was struck in the faceby Atletico de Kolkata coach Antonio Lopez Habas as the two teams funnelled into the tunnel at the interval.

FAIL: Sport Recife Defender Danilo Unleashes The Worst Shot Ever Attempted (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Look upon this attempted "shot" from Sport Recife left-backDanilo against Goias on Thursday eveningye mighty, and despair...

Worse that John O'Shea's magnum opusagainst West Ham? You decide.

(Via Project Babb)

Marc Janko Scores First Goal For Sydney FC With Mammoth 50-Yard Volley vs Brisbane Roar (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Austrian midfielder Marc Janko got off the mark for his new side Sydney FC in the A-League on Friday evening,doing so by simply chesting down a skewiff clearance from Brisbane Roar 'keeper Jamie Young and sending a booming 50-yard volley back from whence it came.

Anyone Fancy A Quick Game Of Mario Balotelli Snakes & Ladders?

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By Chris Wright

It's not like them to get involved with this kind of thing, but the BBC Sport team have produced a little Mario Balotelli-themed game of Snakes & Ladders and posted it on their website for fans to cut out and keep.

Perfect for passing the time on long car journeys perhaps on the way to your local women's correctional facility, for example?

Spitting Feathers: Torquay United Mascot Gilbert The Gull Scolded By Club After Swearing At Home Supporters

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By Chris Wright

Torquay United have been forced into giving their club mascot, Gilbert the Gull, an official warning over his conduct after he found himself embroiled in conduct "notbefitting a friendly Gull".

United's mascotreportedly let several choiceexpletives flyin an argument with several fans during Torquay's defeat against Grimsby at Plainmoor on Saturday.

Brick By Brick: Sunderland’s Laughable 8-0 Mauling By Southampton Recreated In Lego (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland's risible collapse at Southampton, faithfully recreated brick-by-brick in Lego.

Somehow, this still looksstill far less blocky and cumbersome than Sunderland's actual performance on the day...

We'd say that Santiago Vergini's masterpiece of an own-goal has never looked better, but how can you improve on perfection?

Erik Lamela Scores Impish ‘Rabona’ Goal For River Plate’s Youth Team, 2009 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Turns out Erik Lamela has previous in the rabona department, with a clip surfacing today of the Tottenham trickster tucking away a similarly audacious effort to his bamboozling goal against Asteras in the Europa League last night while playing in the River Plate youth team back in 2009.

Europa League: Tottenham 5-1 Asteras – Kane Well Able As Lilywhites Batter Greeks At Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 5-1 Asteras Tripolis Europa League Group H 23rd October 2014

Tottenham battered Greekside Asteras Tripolis at White Hart Lane on Thursday night in a game which saw Eric Lamela score one of the best goals in recent memory and Harry Kane bag a hat-trick before having a rather unsuccessful stint between the posts.

Europa League: Lille 0-0 Everton – Discplined Toffees Make Their Point In France (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Lille 0-0 Everton Europa League Group H 23rd October 2014

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Everton produced a disciplned ad mature performance in France to keep their Europa League campaign well on the track.

The hosts were the better side in the first half with Liverpool's on-loan strikerDivock Origi always a threat.

Harry Kane Drops Goalkeeping Clanger After Replacing Hugo Lloris Between The Sticks (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He'd already scored a hat-trick by this point, but Harry Kane was forced into replacing Hugo Lloris in goal for the closing minutes of Tottenham's 5-1 mauling of Asteras in the Europa League tonight.

Kane was only stationed in nets for a couple of minutes, but still managed to concede this hilarious howler.

Tottenham’s Erik Lamela Pops Up With Absolutely Audacious ‘Rabona’ Finish vs Asteras (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Several months of diddly squat and thenErik Lamela goes and does this...

On the move too.

Outrageous.

Arsenal Fan Makes Arsene Wenger Very Special, Though Slightly Stalker-ish, Birthday Cake (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With Arsene Wengerturning 65 on Wednesday, one fan out there celebrated the momentous day by making the Arsenal boss a very special cake...

@Arsenal I made this cake for wenger RT appreciated pic.twitter.com/GyLibCsQOD

— Hendwy (@WizardryWilly) October 22, 2014

The likeness is truly spectacular.

Dortmund’s Marco Reus Scores 30-Yard Tomahawk With Perfect Trajectory vs Galatasaray (Video)

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By Chris Wright

#457676258 / gettyimages.com

Dortmund pretty much passed Galatasaray to death on their way to a 4-0 victory in Istanbul in the Champions League last night, thus preserving the Bundesliga side's immaculate start to the competition.

With some truly delightful interplay from a midfield strata boastingShinji Kagawa, HenrikhMkhitaryan, Marco Reus and later the returning Ilkay Gundogan, Dortmund dismantled their hosts though it was Reus who grabbed the goal of the night with an altogether more direct approach.

United Or City? Father Auctions Off His Baby Son’s Club Allegiance To Highest Bidder On Ebay

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By Chris Wright

A father from Manchester has posted a rather unusual listing on Ebaywith which he plans toauction off his baby son's football club allegiance in the name of charity.

The listing, which doesn't go live until Thursday evening, will see the winning bidder allowed to choose which Manchester club,United or City, that seven-month-oldEddie Charters grows up supporting.

Tale As Old As Time: Ex-Footballer Jailed For Posing As Gael Kakuta In Order To Live (Fraudulent) Lavish Lifestyle

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By Chris Wright

A former footballer who had short stints atDerby, Oldham, Southend, Fulham and Crystal Palace has been jailed on multiplecounts of fraud after posing as Chelsea midfielder Gael Kakuta to fund his lavish lifestyle.

Medi Abalimba, 25, once joined Derby for over £1million back in 2009, but after his professional career dwindled he regularly pretended to be Kakuta (who is currently on loan atRayo Vallecano) in order to facilitate a VIP existence he had no means of supporting.

Mario Balotelli Angers Brendan Rodgers With Disrespectful Half-Time Shirt Swap

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By Chris Wright

Mario Balotelli is facing a ticking-offfrom Brendan Rodgers today after riling his managerby swapping shirts with an opponent at half-time during Liverpool's 0-3 defeat against Real Madrid in the Champions League on Wednesday night.

With Liverpool alreadythree goals down at the time, Balotelli swapped shirts with Pepe as the two teams made their way down the Anfield tunnel at the interval which, if the general reaction is anything to go by, was and is the ultimate affront to all that is holy in this world.

Champions League: Anderlecht 1-2 Arsenal – Gunners Waffle But Get To Eventually Get To Point In Beligum (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Anderlecht 1-2 Arsenal Champions League Group D 22nd October 2014

Arsenal produced a poor performance away in Brussels but still managed to come away with all three precious points, courtesy of a very late rally.

For the vast majority of the game, the Gunners struggled to produce a decent final ball against a vibrant young Anderlecht side who threatened the north Londoners' backline on a number of occasions.

Champions League: Liverpool 0-3 Real Madrid – Reds Outclassed As Ronaldo & Co. Stroll To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-3 Real Madrid Champions League Group B 22nd October 2014

Liverpool were given a footballing lesson on Wednesday night, with European champions Real Madrid simply too good for the hosts.

Madrid were 3-0 up by the break, courtesy of a superb opener from Cristiano Ronaldo and a brace from Karim Benzema as the Reds struggled to cope withLos Merengues' pace and movement.

Here’s Derby Midfielder Jeff Hendrick Laughing At A Windswept Steve McClaren (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As the fellasover at Balls.ie point out, this is far, far funnier than it probably should be: Derby midfielder Jeff Hendrick giggling off-camera at a thoroughly windswept Steve McClaren...

A video posted by Jeff (@jeff_hendrick)on Oct 10, 2014 at 5:13am PDT

Bitblushtery, Shteve?

‘I Was Advising David Moyes At Man Utd’ – Richard Keys Is A Delusional Prannet, Vol #1,504

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By Chris Wright

Quite why you'd want to take any kind of vicarious credit for David Moyes' tenure at Manchester United is beyond us, but Richard Keys has surfaced from his underground Banter Bunker™ deepbeneathDoha to reveal that it was he wasfeeding nuggets of advice to Moyes during hisill-starred reign at Old Trafford.

Bayern Munich Attend Special Audience With Pope Francis The Day After Leaving Roma In Ruins (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

#457643826 / gettyimages.com

Just hours after leaving Roma in tatters, the Bayern Munich entourage piled over to the Vatican City for an after-party at Pope Francis' gaff.

Having promised him a "very special gift" earlier in the week, Bayern handed over a signed football and a rather natty signed FCB shirt complete with the pontiff's name and number on the back.

Andy Carroll Lands First Modelling Gig As Face Of H&M’s New Alexander Wang Campaign (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

We dread to think what the other candidates turned up looking like, but apparently Andy Carroll has seen off competition from over 200 other applicants to land his first ever modelling gig as the face of H&M's new Alexander Wang fashion line.

Having signed up withtheLondon-based agency Select Models (who also boast the altogether more photogenic Aaron Ramsey among their clientèle) earlier in the year, Carroll will now front the Wang campaign which more or less seems to be inspired by pyjamas and misshapen laundrysacks.

33 Breathtaking Photos Of Arjen Robben In Full ‘Dying Swan’ Mode

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By Chris Wright

Six minutes to play, 7-1 up away from home and Arjen Robben is still diving:arms splayed, back arched, knees tucked and face squalled.

You've got to salute the guy's commitment to his gimmick.

In homage to the frail Dutch swan, here's a big ol' gallery of him in full flight down through the years a truly, truly majesticwonder of the natural world.

Edinson Cavani Scores Late Winner For PSG, Alters ‘Rifle’ Celebration So As Not To Cause Offence (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

#457613182 / gettyimages.com

Having been sent-off against Toulouseat the weekend after the referee took offence at his "sniper" goal celebration, PSG striker Edinson Cavani was treading on eggshells after he spun neatly and popped away the 87th-minute winner against APOEL in the Champions League last night.

Kieron Dyer Reveals The Reason Behind His Infamous On-Pitch Fight With Newcastle Teammate Lee Bowyer

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By Chris Wright

Nearly a decade on from that fateful day at St. James' Park, former Newcastle winger Kieron Dyer has lifted the lid on his infamous on-pitch altercation with teammate Lee Bowyer during a game against Aston Villa back in 2005.

As the play went on up-field, Dyer and Bowyer came to blows in the middle of the pitch during Newcastle's 0-3 defeat and whilethe incident has reached a fairly high level of notoriety among footballing circles, the exact reason for the tussle had never been divulged.

Champions League: Chelsea 6-0 Maribor – Drogba And Terry Roll Back The Years As Blues Cruise At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea6-0 NK Maribor Champions League Group G 21st October 2014

Old boys Didier Drogba and John Terry were both on the scoresheet for Chelsea on Tuesday night as the Blues battered Maribor at Stamford Bridge.

Loic Remy opened the scoring on 13 minutes but injured himself in the process, giving Drogba an early appearance off the bench.

Champions League: CSKA Moscow 2-2 Man City – Second-Half Slip Sees Citizens’ Knockout Hopes Damaged (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

CSKA Moscow 2-2 Manchester City Champions League Group E 21st October 2014

Played behind closed doors due to previous crowd disturbances by the CSKA fans, this was very much a game of two halves.

City bossed the first 45, slicing through the Moscow backline time and time again with Sergio Aguero and then James Milner bagging a goal each before the break.

Football GIF: Seydou Doumbia Dives To Win CSKA Late Equalising Penalty vs Man City

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By Chris Wright

We'll have a full report up later, but the long and short of it is that Manchester City were cheated out of their first win of theChampions League campaign after conceding a late penalty against CSKA Moscow this evening.

After going in two goals up at half-time in an empty stadium in Khimki, City while hardly at their best, it must be said had still managed to maintain a 2-1 lead as the game moved into the 86th minute.

‘He’s Only Slim Because Of Tonsilitis’ – Harry Redknapp Brands Adel Taarabt The ‘Worst Professional’ He’s Ever Worked With

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By Chris Wright

It began with Harry Redknapp admonishing Adel Taarabt for being "three stone overweight".

It then continued with Taarabt posing with his relatively svelte belly on show and pretty much calling Redknapp a half-arsed liar.

Now, the 'Arry vs Flabby' slanging matchhas escalated further with Redknapp retaliating by branding the QPR midfielder the "worst professional he's ever worked with" and that's saying something because this is a man who has worked with Neil Ruddock in the past.

Retro Football: Scotland Hardman Tommy Gemmell Has A Right Old Swing At West Germany’s Helmut Haller, 1969 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Scotland left-back Tommy Gemmell, seen here in 1969

Picture the scene: It's 22nd October, 1969 and things are getting a bit frantic as the World Cup qualifier between Scotland and West Germany enters its final throes.

Scotland found themselves 3-2 down against adominant West Germany in Hamburg and facing the very real prospect of not qualifying for the 1970 World Cup in Mexico.

Italian Minnows Stromboli Calcio Have Their New Kits Designed By Giorgio Armani (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

There's a fairly good chance you're not overly familiar with Stromboli, being as they hail from Italy's Aeolian Islands and currently play at regional level in the country's sprawling football hierarchy.

However, Giorgio Armani has begun pumping money into the tiny club as an official sponsor a partnership which will see the fashion demigod "dressing" the team,i.

Bradford City Defender Sees ‘Sumo Suplex’ Tackle In Penalty Area Go Completely Unpunished (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In internet terms we're about an entire geologic periodlate with this one being as it happened a full three days ago (shameful, we know), but we've only just stumbled across it and couldn't quite believe our eyes.

Anyway for the benefit of those who haven't seen it yet, this plain-as-day sumo suplexfrom Bradford City defenderRory McArdle on Sheffield United'sStefan Scougall somehow went completely unpunished by referee Simon Hooper despite looking more like Yokozuna'sfinisher than an attempted tackle.

Happy Meal For One: Marseille Coach Marcelo Bielsa Spotted On His Lonesome In McDonald’s (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

"Happy Meal and a Smarties McFlurry please"

Shortly after Marseille had registered their eighth win on the bounce against Toulouse on Saturday to go seven points clear at the top of Ligue 1, coach Marcelo Bielsa was spotted celebrating in the only way he knows how vigorously poring over his side's Prozone stats on his own at a McDonald's just down the road.

Snapshot: Adel Taarabt Is Not Three Stone Overweight And He’s Willing To Prove It…

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By Chris Wright

As the Raheem Sterling/sleepy bo bo's-gate storyline begins to subside, it would appear that Adel Taarabt's flab-gate yarn is now moving to the fore as, as we know, Premier League football is now just an endless, Sky Sports News-driven soap opera of entirely irrelevant non-issues spun into ongoing narratives that just so happen to be interrupted by the odd game here and there.

Spare A Thought For Sunderland Fan Cass Farrar, Who Has Witnessed All Three Of His Side’s 8-0 Defeats Over The Years

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By Chris Wright

Sun'lan fan Cass Farrar: Proud owner of one of football's most depressing hat-tricks

It's little wonder he looks so glum, for this man is Sunderland fan Cass Farrar and not only did he make the trip to watch the Black Cats get neuteredby Southampton at the weekend, but he's also been present on the two other occasions his beloved sidehave been obliterated by an 8-0 scoreline.

West Brom 2-2 Man Utd – Daley Delivers Late Point For Red Devils At Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Manchester United Premier League 20th October 2014

A late Daley Blind goal denied West Brom all three points in what was a cracking Monday night clash at the Hawthorns.

The Baggies took the lead on eight minutes, with Stephane Sessegnon firing home a superb effort as the Red Devils' backline once again look vulnerable.

Football Vine: Rafael Tries Out Radical New Defensive Strategy – Shouts At Saido Berahino To Put Him Off

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By Alan Duffy

Not the sort of thing you'd expect to see ina Premier League clash at the Hawthorns, this. With West Brom's in-form striker Saido Berahino bearing down on goal, out-of-positiobnfull-back Rafael decided to summon his inner Sunday league player and shot at the forward in the vain hope of putting him off.

West Brom’s Official Twitter Account Trolls Marouane Fellaini, Who Promptly Comes Off Bench To Power Home Equaliser

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Marouane Fellaini has taken a right bashing since leaving Goodison Park for Old Trafford. And during the Red Devils' clash with West Brom on Monday night, the afro-tastic Moroccan once again was the target of the Baggies' very own official Twitter account.

Lukas Podolski Demonstrates How To Debunk A Silly Transfer Rumour In One Easy Step

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By Chris Wright

How to debunk a spurious click-bait transfer rumour in one easy step, with Lukas Podolski...

Well...that's that then.

Nice to see somebody openly calling the rumour-mongers of the world out on their bullhonky though, admittedly, the BBC Sport team are hardly the worst offenders in that respect.

Referee Forced To Abandon Peruvian Cup Game After Five Players Feign Injury At Same Time

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By Chris Wright

A referee was forced to suspenda cup tie in northern Peru over the weekend after five players went down injured eight minutes from time in a bid to get the game abandoned.

According to the local press, Defensor Bolivar were losing 4-1 in the first leg of the Copa Peru semi-final against Defensor La Bocana on Sunday afternoon and as such, five Bolivar players went down in unison.

Honduran Goalkeeper Junior Morales Sent Off For Gently Fondling Opposing Striker’s Bum (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In what surely must be a footballing first, CD Marathon goalkeeper Junior Morales was sent off in the Honduran top flight a couple of Saturdays ago for gently fondling the backside of Real Sociedad striker Eris Hernandez.

Having scooped the ball up inside his own area, Morales patted Hernandez on the arse as he ran past him as you've seen one thousand goalies do one thousand times before, only to be shown a second yellow card for doing so after the referee was tipped off by the linesman.

Top XI Overweight Footballers

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By Chris Wright

With 'Arry Redknapp's (slightly flippant) claim that lazy chubster Adel Taraabt is currently "about three stone overweight" and not fit to play football for a living, Pies thought we'd take a look at our favourite players who refused to let the flab hold them back over the years.

Competition: WIN! A Snazzy Savile Rogue Football Scarf In The Team Colours Of Your Choice

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By Chris Wright

Pies' sartorially-flawless pals over at Savile Rogue, purveyors of the world's finest football scarves, have just launched their new Faithful scarf and to mark the occasion, we're giving alucky reader the chance to win one.

If you're not familiar, Savile Rogue scarves give a nod to football terraces of yesteryear, shunning in-your-face logos and cheap nylon in favour of a traditional bar design and the comfort, quality and warmth of top quality materials.

Indian Footballer Dies In Hospital After Botched Somersault Goal Celebration Left Him With Damaged Spinal Cord

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By Chris Wright

An Indian footballer by the name of Peter Biaksangzuala has died in hospital severaldays after a botched goal celebration left him with a damaged spinal cord.

Biaksangzuala suffered his injuries after scoring for his team,Bethlemhem Vengthlang, in the 62nd minute of their Mizoram league tie against opponentsChanmari West on Tuesday.

Shit Lookalikes: Russell Slade & Miss Rosa From ‘Orange Is The New Black’

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By Chris Wright

Hard to argue with this one...

Stellar work fromPies fan @TomtheBateman.

Dundee FC Duo Gary Harkins & Jim McAlister Celebrate Goal With ‘Randy Orton RKO Outta Nowhere’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After scoring against Motherwell in the SPL on Saturday, Dundee'sGary Harkins found himself subjected to one of the internet's most popular current whimsies, with teammate Jim McAlister running in and hitting him with a "Randy Orton RKO outta nowhere!"...

If you're wondering what the hell is going on, please allow us to illuminate you.

Vito Mannone Seeking To Reimburse Sunderland Fans Who Made 700-Mile Round Trip To Watch Their Side Get Pasted 8-0 By Southampton

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland 'keeper Vito Mannone has posited that he and his beleaguered teammates should club together to reimburse the Black Cats fans who schlepped the entire length of the country only to watch their side get utterly dismantled by Southampton on Saturday afternoon.

Newcastle 1-0 Leicester – Obertan Eases Pressure On Pardew After Dull Clash With Foxes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 1-0 Leicester City- Premier League 18th October 2014

A late Gabriel Obertan strike took a little bit of the pressure off Newcastle boss Alan Pardew as the Magpies secured a previous win against Leicester.

The game kicked off an hour late after the giant screen at St.

Arsenal Bench-Warmer Lukas Podolski Celebrates Time In London With Bizarre Instagram Pic (Photo)

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By Alan Duffy

I'll say it again, Arsenal should sign Lukas Podolski up to be the next Gunnersaurus. The German is a social media king and a one-man entertainment machine. And, to be honest, he rarely actually gets a game these days anyway.

However, despite struggling to get much action in Arsenal's first 11, the cheeky-chappie German continues to stay positive.

Football Vine & GIF: Marseille Boss Marcelo Bielsa Unwittingly Sits On Cup of Coffee, Reacts In Classic ‘El Loco’ Fashion

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By Alan Duffy

Argentinian tactician and all-round look Marcelo Bielsa has done a superb job with Marseille this season in Ligue 1. However, during his side's clash with Toulouse, the unpredictable 59-year-old made a rather bad decision when choosing a place to rest his weary bones.

Everton 3-0 Aston Villa – Toffees Back On Track After Slick Victory Against Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 3-0 Aston Villa Premier League 18th October 2014

Everton produced their best display of the season so far at Goodison on Saturday, as they cruised to a 3-0 win against Aston Villa.

With Ross Barkley and Seamus Coleman both back in action, the Toffees looked more like the vibrant side which did so well in 2013/14 and within 18 minutes of the kick-off the home side were ahead.

Southampton 8-0 Sunderland – Saints Ascend To Eight-Goal Heaven As Black Cats Neutered At St. Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 8-0 Sunderland Premier League 18th October 2014

Where to start! Suthampton's incredible win at St. Mary's on Saturday is one of the biggest ever in Premier LEague history as Sunderland simply fell apart.

The tone was set early on by Santiago Vergini's incredible OG, with the Black Cats simply allowing Southampton to score time and time again.

Spanish Minnows Huesca Go Ballistic After Being Drawn Against Barcelona In Copa Del Rey (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's the exact moment that Huesca, who currently play in theSegunda Division B (i.e, the Spanish third tier), found out that they'd been drawn against Barcelona in theCopa del Rey round of 32...

The first leg at Huesca's El Alcoraz stadium on December 3rdwill mark the very first time the two sides have ever met in official competition, though obviously it's the second leg at the Camp Nou on December 17th that the Huesca lads will be looking forward to the most.

Football Vine: Newcastle Boss Alan Pardew Wrestles Coach To Floor In Adrenaline-Fuelled Goal Celebration

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By Alan Duffy

Pool old Alan Pardew has been under a lot of pressure in recent weeks and months and after seeing Gabriel Obertan give his struggling Newcastle side a win on Saturday against Leicester, he went a bit mad.

Grabbing one of the Newcastle coaches in a headlock, Pars then attempted to throw the poor bloke to the ground.

Jose Mourinho Takes Just Two Words To Sum Up The Secret Behind Chelsea’s Victory Over Crystal Palace (Video & Photo)

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By Chris Wright

"Gonads like space-hoppers, mate"

Asked why Chelsea tailed off in the title race at the business end of last season, Jose Mourinho told the press at the time that his team had lacked "balls" when it mattered most.

When grilledabout the Blues' staunch defence of their lead even after Crystal Palace pulled one back against them in the 90th minute yesterday, Mourinho asked for a pen and a pad of paper and jotted down exactly the reason why his side had been able to keep their opponents at bay.

Wesley Sneijder Scores Couple Of Smashing Goals As Galatasaray Pip Rivals Fenerbache At The Death (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The first goal of the game wasn't scored until the 89th minute, but a couple of thunderous rippers from Wesley Sneijder saw Galatasaray pip Fenerbahce 2-1 in the first Intercontinental Derby of the Turkish Super Lig season last night.

Behold...

What better way to celebrate being paid for the first time in three months?

Arsenal 2-2 Hull – Gunners Leave It Late Again As Tigers Make Point At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-2 Hull City Premier League 18th October 2014

Arsenal's poor start to the season continued in predictable style on Saturday, with the Gunners having to rely on a last-gasp Danny Welbeck goal to secure a point against Hull.

The Gunners, with a mix-and-match back four of Bellerin, Mertesacker, Monreal and Gibbs took the lead on 13 minutes courtesy of a fine individual effort from Alexis Sanchez.

Crystal Palace 1-2 Chelsea – Cesc On Target As Blues Win Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 1-2 Chelsea Premier League 18th October 2014

Chelsea, despite having to do without striker Diego Costa, continued their super start to the season with a deserved victory at Selhurt Park on Saturday.

Oscar opened the scoring after just six minutes, deflty curling a free-kick over Julian Speroni and into the back of the Palace net.

Man City 4-1 Tottenham – Four-Goal Aguero Puts Lilywhites To Sword At Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 4-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 18th October 2014

Spurs suffered a third consecutive spanking at the hands of Man City, with the Lilywhites going down to four goals all scored by Sergio Aguero. However, for long periods of the first-half, the visitors were well in this rather bizarre game of football.

Arjen Robben Tucks Away Flashy Rabona Volley In Bayern Munich Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Post by Voetbalprimeur.

(Via Voetbalprimeur)

Sunderland Defender Santiago Vergini Scores World Class Own-Goal vs Southampton

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By Chris Wright

Santiago Vergini and the excellence of execution...

Classy.

Edinson Cavani Sent Off For ‘Sniper’ Goal Celebration After Scoring Penalty Against RC Lens (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Already plagued by injuries, PSG will now have a suspension to deal with over the course of the next few weeks after Edinson Cavani was one of three players sent off during their feisty 1-3 victory over RC Lens at theStade de France on Friday evening.

Lens hadbothJean-Philippe Gbamin andJerome Le Moigne dismissed over the course of the evening, with the former picking up asecond yellow in the 54th minute for shovingCavani in the penalty area.

Ben Foster & Craig Gardner Ruin West Brom Youth Team Photo By Pelting Them With Eggs (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis obviously the season for lousingup team photos, with West Brom pranksters Ben Foster and Craig Gardner following in the footsteps of the Derry City stunt bench by ruining the Baggies academyside's team shot yesterday afternoon amid a hail of chicken grenades.

Peterhead Striker Andy Rodgers Hit With Two-Game Ban For Calling People Of Dunfermline ‘Mutants’

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By Chris Wright

On the left: Peterhead striker Andy Rodgers. On the right: the good people ofDunfermline

Peterhead strikerAndy Rodgers has been hit by a two-game ban after the SFA took issue with recent comments he made on Twitter.

FollowingPeterhead's ill-tempered 3-0 away defeatagainst Dunfermline in the Scottish League One a few Saturdays ago, Rodgers took to Twitter to first accuse Dunfermline'sJosh Falkingham of cheating during the game which saw the visitors end the matchwith just eightplayers left on the pitch.

Millwall To Wear Special One-Off ‘Desert Camouflage’ Kit In Tribute To Injured Troops (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Millwall have announced that their players are to wear a special, one-off "desert camouflage" kit for their home game againstBrentford next month in honour to pay tribute and raise money for injured servicemen and women.

Designed to coincide with the 100th anniversary of theFirst World War, 1,500 of the shirts are to go on sale next Monday priced at £50 for adults,with£10 ofevery sale will be donatedto the Headley Court army rehabilitation centre in Surrey whose logo will also feature prominently on the shirt itself.

Snapshot: Derry City Suffer Collapsed Bench, Leads To Greatest Team Photo Of All Time!

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By Chris Wright

While posing for their FAI Cup Final team photo, Derry City's bench collapsed leading to this absolute masterpiece of a finished product...

What happened to the poor sod on the bottom left?

(Via @teamthirtythree)

Leaky Defence: Aptly-Named Dutch Goalkeeper Stops League Game To Have A Pee Behind The Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Given that they won the tie 4-0, it's perhaps not surprising that Excelsior '31′s aptly-named goalkeeper Arjan Kok found time to sneak behind the goal for a strategic bladder evacuation mid-way through his team's recentgame against CSV Apeldoorn.

Only, it's not that easy to sneak in a ninja piss when there's a camera trained on your every move and a spectator stood almost directly in front of you.

Referee Brandishes 12 Red Cards As Argentinian Game Descends Into Complete And Utter Anarchy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Wednesday evening's Torneo Federal tie between Deportivo Roca and Cipolletti had to be scotched with a full 20+ minutes left to play when the whole thing just descended into complete and utter anarchy.

What began with a yellow card being shown for a fairly innocuous-looking foul quickly escalated into a whirlwind of riot police, pitch invasions, multi-man brawls and a further 11- count 'em:eleven!

Leyton Orient Players Reluctantly Agree To Star In Their Own Reality TV Series

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By Chris Wright

It's fair to say that things are a little on the shambolic side at Leyton Orient at the moment, with the League One club in upheaval following the arrival of the new owner,Italian businessman Francesco Becchetti.

One of Becchetti's first moves at Brisbane Road was to unceremoniously oust popular manager Russell Slade, who subsequently took over at Cardiff City following a long, protracted and increasingly ugly parting of ways at Orient.

Santos Striker Leandro Damiao Faces Six-Game Ban For Pulling His Own Shirt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Santos striker Leandro Damiao is currently facing a six-game suspension in Brazil after seeing his devious new method of attempting to con a penalty kick back-fire spectacularly.

Milling around in the 18-yard box during Santos' recent 3-0 loss to Criciuma in the Brazilian top flight, Damiao pulled on his own shirt in an attempt to dupethe referee into awardinghis side aspot-kick.

Shit Lookalikes: Random Crimewatch Suspect And Chelsea Schemer Cesc Fabregas

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By Alan Duffy

On Thursday night's Crimewatch programme, a rather familiar face popped up on the wall of wanted bad 'uns. The 28-year-oldRaza Aziz is wanted in connection to a whole load of crimes, from sexual offences to fraud. However, the dodgy bloke certainly looks like one Cesc Fabregas, albeit a Cesc who'd been on the booze all day.

FA Unveil Statue Of Arthur Wharton, The World’s First Black Professional Footballer, At St. George’s Park (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Arthur Wharton in his pomp, 1895

The FA have unveiled a memorial ofone of English and world football's true pioneers this afternoon, with a brand new statue (seven years in the making) of Arthur Wharton being placed in situ at St. George's Park.

‘I Hate Tiki-Taka, It’s Rubbish And Pointless’ – Pep Guardiola Disowns His Entire Back Catalogue

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By Chris Wright

"STOP....F**KING....PASSING TO EACH OTHER!!!"

Spanish journalistMarti Perarnau has written a new book entitled "Pep Confidential" in which he, as you may be able to guess, profiles Pep Guardiola's first season in charge at Bayern Munich.

While compiling the book, Perarnau was allowed to shadow Guardiola day-to-day and, as such, was privy to a number of clandestine remarks, with the Bayern coach even apparently admitting to hating "tiki-taka" the obsessive possession-based tactical approach on which he seemingly based his entire Barcelona tenure.

‘Players Couldn’t Care Less About Ticket Prices’ – Robbie Savage Gives His BIG OPINION On The ‘Price Of Football’ Debate

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By Chris Wright

With the BBC's annual "Price of Football" survey kicking up the same old fuss over the past couple of days, it was inevitable that Robbie Savage was going to be canvassed for his BIG OPINION sooner or later.

That day, unfortunately, is nigh.

Franck Ribery Helps Launch Official Bayern Munich Cook Book With Help From German Chef Alfons Schuhbeck (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

So, in conjunction with German celebrity chef Alfons Schuhbeck, Bayern Munich have launched an official club cookbook containing all your favourite FC Bayern-themed recipes...

#457250636 / gettyimages.com

Hickory-smoked barbecue Riberys

#457250618 / gettyimages.

Gary Neville Roasts Ryan Giggs By Critiquing Ex-Man Utd Teammate’s Famous Slalom Goal Against Arsenal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having faced almost zero resistance in his rise to the top of the punditry tree (the punditree?), it seems like Sky Sports' chief wibbler,Gary Neville, has now set his sights on a sideline in analytical comedy.

Appearing on the big screen at a "HMV Football Extravaganza" evening thrown in London on Tuesday evening in honour of Ryan Giggs, Neville used his giant touchscreen tablet to critique his former Manchester United colleague's famous goal against Arsenal in the FA Cup back in 1999.

Mayor Of London Boris Johnson Cynically Hacks Down Nine-Year-Old Child During Photo Op Kickabout (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Looking all kinds of awkward (as per) while mucking in with a group of school kids at aphoto-call for some kind of new health report that wasbeing launched inLondon earlier today, Mayor Boris Johnson misjudgedthe friendly tone of the kick-about and soured proceedings with a vicious, cynical, almost Vinnie Jones-esque hack on one of his young opponents.

Shit Lookalikes: Lionel Messi & This Woman’s Shadow…

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By Chris Wright

Taking what she thought was a simple self-portrait to slap up on Instagram, BuzzFeed Español's editor, Conz Preti, couldn't help but notice that the image of a deity had appeared in the shadow she'd cast on the wall behind her...

A fresh, exciting new spin on the tired old "Jesus spotted on a pancake" phenomenon.

Chemotherapy Couldn’t Stop Jonas Gutierrez From Running 26-Mile Buenos Aires Marathon To Raise Money For Cancer Charity

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By Chris Wright

He may be currently undergoing chemotherapyhaving revealed his cancer diagnosislast month, but that didn't stop Jonas Gutierrez completing a whopping great marathon at the weekend, raising thousands of pounds for charity in the process.

Euro 2016: Germany 1-1 Rep Of Ireland – Centurion O’Shea Saves Day For Boys In Green (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Germany 1-1 Republic Of Ireland Euro 2016 Qualifying Group D

On his 100th appearance for the Boys In Green, veteran defender John O'Shea secured a superb point for Ireland away to the world champions.

O'Shea's goal at the death came after the Germans had, unsurprisingly, dominated the game.

Young Fan Snubs Paul Pogba After Asking For His Shirt Only To Be Offered Sweaty Shorts As An Alternative Souvenir (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems everybody's keen to get their hands on Pogba's shirt these days

While the rest of the continent continues to fuddle around with qualifying, Euro 2016 hostsFrance wallopedArmenia 3-0 in a friendly inHrazdan last night courtesy of goals from Loic Remy, Andre-Pierre Gignac and Antoine Griezmann.

James Rodriguez Scores Quick Free-Kick Belter As Colombia Squeak Narrow Win Over Canada (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Everybody loves a good quick free-kick, especially when it's dispatched like this...

For the record, James' strike was the only goal of the game, coming in the 71st minute not a bad result for the Canadians by any stretch.

Classic Moments: John O’Shea Fires Off The Worst ‘Shot’ In Football History, 2010

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By Chris Wright

He may be the hero of the hour after his 94th-minute equaliser against Germany, but it's perhaps worth remembering that John O'Shea wasn't always the world-renowned ace goal poacher he is today.

Far from it, indeed as this timelessly shite attempted "shot" against West Ham will duly attest.

Euro 2016: Serbia vs Albania Abandoned After Drone Flies Contentious Flag Over Pitch (Vine & Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of the draw for the qualifying rounds of EURO 2016, UEFA rather sensibly decided to keep Gibraltar and Spain apart and do the same for Armenia and Azerbaijan. However, the powers-that-be did allow Serbia and Albania to be drawn in the same group, a decision which was always asking for trouble in light of the Kosovo issue.

Swedish U21 Squad Troll France’s Layvin Kurzawa Over Cocky (And Premature) Goal Celebration

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By Chris Wright

Already 0-2 down coming into the second leg of last night's Euro 2015 Under-21 play-off tie, Sweden needed something special to overturn France's lead and something special they duly produced.

Flying out of the traps, the Swedes had drawn level on aggregate by half-time before finding themselves in the lead for the first time in the tie when Oscar Lewicki put them 3-2 up in the 71st minute.

Euro 2016 Vine & Photos: Serbia Vs Albania Abandoned After Drone Flies Contentious Flag Over Pitch

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of the draw for the qualifying rounds of EURO 2016, UEFA rather sensibly decided to keep Gibraltar and Spain apart and do the same for Armenia and Azerbaijan. However, the powers-that-be did allow Serbia and Albania to be drawn in the same group, a decision which was always asking for trouble in light of the Kosovo issue.

Euro 2016: Poland 2-2 Scotland – Slick Scots Push Poles All The Way In Warsaw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Poland 2-2 Scotland Euro 2016 Qualifying Group D 14th October

On a good night for the Home Nation sides, Scotland pulled off a fine 2-2 draw in Warsaw against Poland, a side on a high after beating world champs Germany at the weekend.

The hosts did open the scoring on 11 minutes, courtesy of a fine finish from Krzysztof Maczynski.

Euro 2016: Greece 0-2 Northern Ireland – The Odyssey Continues For O’Neill & Co After Victory In Piraeus (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Greece 0-2 Northern Ireland Euro 2016 Qualifying Group F 14th October 2014

Northern Ireland pulled off a superb win in Greece on Tuesday night to make it three wins out of their first three games for the first time in their history.

Michael O'Neill's charges took the lead after just nine minutes, courtesy ofJamie Ward's effort whichdeflected off Loukas Vyntra and into the Greek net.

Euro 2016: Wales 2-1 Cyprus – Cotterill And Robson-Kanu Fire 10-Man Welsh To Victory In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wales 2-1 Cyprus Euro 2016 Qualifying Group B 13th October 2014

Wales continued their impressive start to their Euro 2016 campaign on Monday night, albeit courtesy of a nervy home victory over Cyprus.

The hosts started the game superbly and were 2-0 up by the 23rd minute, with goals fromDavid Cotterill and Hal Robson-Kanu putting Chris Coleman's side in the driving seat.

Neil Lennon Bans Bolton Players From Wearing Bobble Hats In Training, Turns Up To Training Wearing Bobble Hat Like A Massive Git!

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By Chris Wright

He's only been in the job for a couple of daysbut Neil Lennon is already slapping his metaphorical ding-a-lings on the tables at Bolton Wanderers, having banned his players from wearing bobble hats in training.

BECAUSE HE BLOODY WELL CAN, THAT'S WHY!

Egypt International Shawky El-Said Reportedly Returns From Botswana With A Monkey In A Box (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Egyptian internationalShawky El-Said has caused a ripple of consternation after reportedly returning back home from his country's African Cup of Nations qualifier against Botswana on Friday with a monkey in a box.

El-Said was spotted making his way through Cairo International Airport carrying a box containing what looked to be a new vacuum cleaner, which was enough to raise quizzical, Ancelotti-esque eyebrows among Egyptian fans press likewise.

‘I’ll Give You My Wages And You Live My Life’ – Inter Milan Defender Juan Jesus Offers To Trade Places With Angry Fan

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By Chris Wright

It all seemed perfectly innocuous, but when Inter Milan defender Juan Jesus attempted to lighten the mood on Monday by offering a hug to all of his122,000 followers, little did he now that he was heading directly into the yawning mouth of a small-scale Twitter war.

Euro 2016: Norway’s Stefan Johansen Wipes Out Bulgaria Coach With Superb Tackle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In the same game that saw Norwegian prodigy Martin Odegaard become the youngest ever player to feature in a European Championshipmatch at the tender age of 15 years and 300 days old, Norway (and Celtic) midfielder Stefan Johansen did his level best not to get overshadowed displaying his tough-tackling prowess with a textbook slide tackle on Bulgarian coachLyuboslav Penev's standing leg.

Andy Townsend Voted The ‘Worst Co-Commentator On Television’ By Fair Old Margin

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By Chris Wright

"For me Clive, I think I should just piss off and live in a cave"

As it usually does, Andy Townsend's name began trending on Twitter during England's game against Estonia on Sunday as drained fans took to social media to complain about the ITV co-commentator's unrelenting

With their interest piqued, The Independent then ran a poll to determine just which wingman football fans deemed the worst on television.

Wayne Rooney Scores An Almost Identical Free-Kick Before The Estonia Game After Being Challenged By Joe Hart (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after being loudly challenged by Joe Hart to do so, Wayne Rooney tucks away an almost identical free-kick away during England's final training session prior to their win over Estonia the following day.

It's a case of 'spot the difference' here.

Estonia Left-Back Artur Pikk Made His International Debut Against England Then Reported For National Service Immediately After Full-Time (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Granted we're a bitlate on the uptake here, but this is the benefit for the minuscule gaggleof Pies fansout there who haven't seen it yet.

In stark contrast tothe news that little diddums Raheem Sterling was too plum-tuckeredto start against Estonia on Sunday evening, not only did Estonia left-back Artur Pikk play the full 90 minutes against England, he was also under strict instructions to return to the barracksimmediately after the game in order to report for national service!

Screaming Golazo Puts An End To Chaotic Goalmouth Scramble In Argentinian Primera Division (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming just nine minutes into Sunday'sArgentinian Primera Division clash between AtleticoRafaelaandBanfield, just have a butcher's atGerman Rodriguez Rojas' opening goal for Rafaela an instinctive screamer of a half-volley from 30-odd yards, thus putting an explosive end to the slightly crap goalmouth scramble that preceded it.

Classic Moments: The Guardian Issue One Of Football’s Finest ‘Corrections & Clarifications’ After Upsetting Wolves Chairman Jack Hayward, 2003

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By Chris Wright

A devout fan since his childhoodand now aged 91, Molineux legend Sir Jack Hayward has devoted almost all of his life (and £50million of his personal fortune) to his beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers, so it's difficult to imagine the man who served as chairman and owner of his boyhood team for almost two decades between 1990 and 2007 ever having a cross word to say about his cherished team.

Around The Grounds: Oakwell, Home Of Barnsley (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Right, it's been a while so we thought, with the international break nowin full lull, we'd revisit that old Pies staple: our 'Around the Grounds' series this time stopping off for a nosey around Barnsley FC's one and only home of the last 127 years: Oakwell.

‘Football Manager Ruined My Life’ – Stand-Up Comedian Delivers Cracking Sermon We Can All Relate To (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Speaking as a recovering Football Manager-aholic myself ("One step at a time, buddy. One step at a time"), it's fairly safe to say that there's an awful lot of you out there who can relate to this one.

Here's stand-up comedianTony Jameson delivering a confessional sermon on "How Football Manager Ruined His Life" which is sure to strike a chord with anybody who's booked an entire week's worth of holiday off actual work to mastermind Shrewsbury Town's late seasonplay-off push on a shoestring budget.

Cruzeiro Striker Nilton Celebrates Non-Existent Goal After Missing Target Completely Against Flamengo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite their opponents coming into the game as league leaders, Flamengo turnedCruzeiro over in the Brazilian top flight on Sunday evening sticking three unanswered goals past the table-toppers in a result probably best described as a "turn up for the books".

Canine Pitch Invader Causes Argentinian League Game To Be Halted For Impromptu Petting Session (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Dog on the pitch, dog on the pitch, everybody loves a dog on the pitch.

An intrepid canine interloper forced Saturday's Argentinian Primera Division match between Belgrano and Quilmes to be temporarily during the last few minutes of the first half in order for several of the players to stage an impromptu petting session before escorting the meddlesome hound back from whence it came.

Euro 2016: Sweden’s Jimmy Durmaz Pounces After Lichtenstein ‘Keeper Drops Almighty Clanger (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With Zlatan Ibrahimovic sitting out once again due to a pesky Achilles injury, Sweden picked up their first win of the Euro 2016 qualifying campaign on Sunday evening with a comfortable 2-0 victory over Lichtenstein though Erik Hamren's side had to rely heavily on outrageous fortune to get the job done.

‘I’m Only Human’ – Raheem Sterling Defends Himself After Taking Flak For Admitting He Was ‘Too Tired’ To Play Against Estonia

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By Chris Wright

"But boss, it's way past by bedtime already"

Raheem Sterling appeared to hit back at jilted England fans on Twitter last night after taking a barrage of flak for admitting he was "too tired" to start for Roy Hodgson's side in their 1-0 Euro 2016 qualifying win over Estonia in Tallinn last night.

Euro 2016: Estonia 0-1 England – Rooney On Target As Three Lions Fail To Roar In Tallinn (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Estonia 0-1 England Euro 2016 Qualifying Group E 12th October 2014

England produced a rather uninspiring performance away to Estonia on Sunday night. However, courtesy of a second-half Wayner Rooney free-kick, the Three Lions' kept alive their 100% start to the Euro 2016 qualifying campaing which sees them atop Group E.

Man City Women’s Toni Duggan Derails Chelsea’s WSL Title Hopes With Cracking Volley (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

This superb effort for Man City's Toni Duggan proved to be the goal which stopped Chelsea from winning the 2014 WSL. Despite putting out a weakened side ahead of their FA Cup final clash with Arsenal next Thursday, the Citizens still proved too strong for title contenders Chelsea, with Duggan's cracker making it 2-0 to the Sky Blues.

Ireland Legend Liam Brady Lays Into ‘Unprofessional’ Roy Keane Over Book Controversy (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Arguably the greatest player ever to wear the green shirt of Ireland, Liam Brady has made a name for himself as a straight-talking TV pundit who pulls no punches. And during RTE's coverage ahead of the Republic's 7-0 mauling of Gibraltar at the weekend, the former Arsenal and Juventus legend gave his views on Keane's 'warts and all' autobiography.

Snapshot: Liverpool Ladies Retain WSL Title After Incredible Final-Day Drama

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By Alan Duffy

In an incredibly dramatic final day of action, outsiders Liverpool Ladies secured the WSL title after leapfrogging Chelsea and Birmingham to thetrophy.

Finding themselves in third place at the start of the day, behind leaders Chelsea and second-placed Birmingham, the Reds pulled off an incredible title victory by beating Bristol Academy 3-0 courtesy of goals fromNatasha Dowie, Lucy Bronze and Fara Williams (courtesy of a penalty).

Please Enjoy This Audacious 30-Yard Rabona Free-Kick Attempt From The Dutch Fourth Tier (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To pass the time until our brave boys march out against Estonia this evening, feel free to repeatedly enjoy this audacious 30-yard free-kick attempt from yesterday'sclash between CSV Leeuwarder Zwaluwen and VVI in the fourth tier of the Dutch amateur league.

Euro 2016: Northern Ireland 2-0 Faroe Islands – O’Neill’s Men Top Group F After Routine Win At Windsor Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

NorthernIreland 2-0 Faroe Islands- Euro 2016 Qualifiers Group F 11th October 2014

Northern Ireland made it two wins out of two in their Euro 2016 campaign after comfortably beating the Faroe Islands at Windsor Park.

Gareth McAuley opened the scoring on six minutes when he fired home after a flick-on from Chris Baird after a corner.

Euro 2016: Scotland 1-0 Georgia – Scots Struggle To Ibrox Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Scotland 1-0 Georgia Euro 2016 Qualifiers Group D 11th October 2014

Despite dominating for large periods of this game at Ibrox, Scotland needed an own-goal fromAkaki Khubutia to earn them all three points against a resilient Georgian side.

Euro 2016: Republic Of Ireland 7-0 Gibraltar – Keane Makes History As Boys In Green Batter Minnows (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Republic Of Ireland 7-0 Gibraltar Euro 2016 Qualifiers Group D 11th October 2014

As expected, Ireland coasted to a big win at home to Gibralatar on Saturday evening. Robbie Keane filled his boots against this team of (actual) amateurs, bagging a hat-trick within the first 18 minutes.

Euro 2016 GIF: Gibraltar Goalkeeper Nets Dire Own-Goal In Irish Rout

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By Alan Duffy

Amongst all the goals scored by the Republic of Ireland on Saturday night at the Aviva Stadium, this own-goal from Gibraltar glovesman Jordan Perez. Overall, the 'keeper actually made a few decent saves but on 51 minutes he rather lost the run of himself, with his attempt to control the ball in his own box ending up in his own goal.

Euro 2016: Wales 0-0 Bosnia-Herzegovina – Bale And Co. Make Their Point In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wales 0-0 Bosnia Herzegovina Euro 2016 Qualifiers Group B 10th October 2014

Inside a noisy Cardiff City Stadium, Wales produced a decent display to secure a good point against Bosnia-Herzegovina.

Neither side created too many good chances in the first half although in the second period Gareth Bale and Ashley Williams both went close for the hosts while Manchester City Edin Dzeko also went close.

Snapshot: The Beard Is Dead! Roy Keane Goes In Two-Footed On His Fabulous Facial Hair

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By Alan Duffy

Hirsutes you sir...

Along with all those juicy quotes from his book 'The Second Half', Roy Keane's magnificent two-tone beard has given us much joy in recent weeks. However, ahead of the Republic of Ireland's Euro 2016 clash with new-boys Gibraltar, Keane has decided to get rid of his facial fuzz.

FC Sion Attempt To Prevent Crowd Violence By Offering Away Fans Posh Cheese

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By Chris Wright

Swiss side FC Sion have hatched a cunning plan (though we can definitely see holes in it geddit?) to help preventcrowd trouble at their stadium by plyingtravelling fans with cheese.

As we initially assumed, it appears that Sion don't plan to lace said cheese with sedatives but rather the club are opting for an altogether more civilised approach:charming visiting supporters into behaving themselvesby offering free tickets and gourmet catering.

Young Man Utd Fan Lilly Cries Uncontrollably About Having To Wear ‘Man City-Coloured’ School Uniform (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Stand by for a potential lethal dosage of adorable and get ready to meet young Lilly Rae Doyle, who was caused a bit of a stir after a clip of her bawling her little eyes out over her new school uniform started circulating.

You see, Lilly is a life-long (all threeyears of it)Manchester United fan and her new St Elizabeth's RC Primary School uniform is blue.

Bosnian Second Division Goalkeeper Punches Referee In The Face After Receiving Yellow Card (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Nobody likes picking up a frivolous booking, though it's fair to say thatNK Bratstvo'keeper Romeo Mitrovic took an exceptional amount of umbrage at being flashed the yellow during his side's Bosnian second division tie againstFK Buducnosti when he reacted by attempting to unhinge the referee's jaw.

Classic Moments: Andy Townsend And His Exemplary Ball Control, 1998 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"In fairness, itwasjust a bit big for me, Clive"

Andy Townsend. Andy sodding Townsend. He couldn't have just gone down with his tactics truck like a good captain. Oh no, he had to keep talking until he made us alldespisehim.

FAIL: Emelec Goalkeeper Concedes From 70 Yards After Monumental Injury-Time Brain Fart (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in the 93rd minute of the Ecuadorian Primera league clash betweenLDU Quito and Emelec on Sunday with the scores locked a 1-1, Emelec's intrepid goalkeeper Esteban Dreer decides to come lollopingout of his goal to launch a late free-kick deep into LDU territory.

Dutch College Use Louis Van Gaal’s ‘Stereotypical Accent’ As Example Of How Not To Speak English

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By Chris Wright

"You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a womansh man"

We can't say it's ever registered with us, but apparently Louis van Gaal's grasp of English is so hilariously bad that a Dutch college are using as an example totheir students of how NOTto speak the language.

England Fans Vote Joe Hart As Their ‘Man Of The Match’ After Clean Sheet Heroics Against San Marino

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By Chris Wright

The mighty accountants and IT consultants of San Marino finally met their matchlast night, with England barnstorming to a historic 5-0 victory over their illustrious opponents at Wembley.

Indeed, the England goal was under siege for large portions of the game, with Joe Hart having to deal with at least two tricky back-passes at one point meaning that his 'Man of the Match' award from the fans was truly deserved.

Euro 2016 Vines: Casillas Clanger Helps Slovakia To Shock Win Against La Roja

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By Alan Duffy

Oh dear, poor old Spain suffered their first defeat in a qualifying game in eight years on Thursday night, going down 2-1 away to Slovakia.

Glovesman Iker Casillas has seen his form wobble more than Bruce Grobelaar's legs in the past 12 months and the Real Madrid 'keeper was at fault for Slovakia's opener, failing miserably to judge the flight ofJuraj Kucka's pretty straight long-range free-kick.

Euro 2016: England 5-0 San Marino – No Surprises As Three Lions Stroll Past Minnows (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 5-0 San Marino Euro 2016 Qualifiers 8th October 2014

Roy Hodsgon's England side had little to gain from this game with perennial Euro-minnows San Marino. But ultimately, a 5-0 win was decent enough reward for a decent enough display.

Roy Keane Wrestles With His Inner Demons While Launching His New Book At The Aviva Stadium (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We imagine you may have heard by now, but Roy Keane has a second instalment of hischronological list of things he hates autobiography out, with the man himself launching it at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin this afternoon alongside his ghost-writer, Irish author Roddy Doyle.

Top 10 Richard Keys ‘Banter’ Vines

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By Chris Wright

It's quite possible that we love these Vine thing a little morethan is strictly decent, but what's not to like about laughing at Richard Keysand his nigh-onPartridge-esque lack of self-awareness?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin (with a classic of the genre).

Shit Lookalikes: Gareth Bale And His Three Besties Attend Zaragoza Street Festival…

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By Chris Wright

Eager to soak up a bit of Spanish culture having decamped to Madrid, it looks like Gareth Bale let his hair down over the weekend and ventured to Zaragoza with his three bestest gal pals for this year'sFiestas del Pilar street festival...

Good on him.

Classic Moments: Marco Van Basten’s Exquisite Overhead Kick Against Den Bosch, 1986 (Complete With Slightly Crass American Commentary)

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By Chris Wright

Granted, you don't have to look very hard to find an achingly elegant goal in Marco van Basten's groaning back catalogue, but his acrobaticeffortin Ajax's 3-1 victory overDen Bosch in 1986 definitely takes some beating.

Almost crystalline in its execution, Van Basten tracksJan Wouter's chipped cross to the far post and then proceeds to send it back from whence it came with an instinctive overhead finish- picking out the uppermost top corner of Jan van Gestel's goal frame with ease.

Gillingham Bus Leaves Without Goalkeeper After Heroic Cup Performance, Forced To Cadge Lift Home With Staff From Local Paper

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By Chris Wright

Stuart Nelson: Professionalgoalie, part-time nincompoop

It's fair to say that Gillingham goalkeeper Stuart Nelson enjoyed a night of peaks and troughs on Tuesday evening when his side met Colchester United in theJohnstone's Paint Trophy.

With the scores squareat 3-3 after 90 minutes, the tie ticked over into a goalless half-hour of extra time before Nelson, making his 100th appearance for the Gills, put in one hell of a shift in the penalty shoot-out to send his team through to the next round.

Harry Redknapp Pats Himself On The Back For Nearly Signing Luis Suarez (And Patrick Vieira) For Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

"Suarez? Yeah, I 'ad a look at 'im an' the chairman tried to do a deal but, etc, etc..."

In a fairly transparent effort to deflect attention away from the expensively miserable job he's doing at QPR at the moment, Harry Redknapp has farted out a new book this week which is currently in the process of being serialised in the Daily Mail.

Euro 2016 Snapshot: San Marino Get The ‘Day Jobs’ Team Sheet Treatment…

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By Chris Wright

We always find these "day job" team-sheets a little patronising but, with absolutely no FIFA ranking points to their name and with just one professional footballer among their number, if England emerge from tonight's Euro 2016 qualifier with San Marino with anything less than a resounding victory (and a clean sheet) then the national team should just be disbanded with immediate effect.

Mesut Ozil ‘Unlikely To Play Again Until 2015’ As Arsenal’s Ludicrous Injury Jinx Strikes Yet Again

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal fans will have to find something else to endlessly debate for at least the rest of the year after playmaker Mesut Ozil, he who divides opinion in the footballing world like no other, was ruled out of action for up to three months.

According to the German national team medical staff, the former Real Madrid man joined up with the World Cup winners with apartial lateral collateral ligament tear in his left knee which doesn't sound very nice at all.

Fitba Thatba Present Their Skewiff Take On The Madness Of Roy Keane (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, filtered throughthe gin-fevered minds of Fitba Thatbarapscallions, Roy Keane aggressively misinterprets every conversation he ever has...

Not overly far away from reality, we reckon.

(Via Project Babb)

Liverpool Defender Jose Enrique Posts Dodgy ‘Hitler Moustache’ Pic On Instagram (Photo)

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Jose Enrique has found getting game time with Liverpool this season quite a challenge. However, to keep his spirits up, the Spaniard has apparently been experimenting with different facial hair looks.

Enrique posteda photo of himself with an Adolf Hitler-style 'tache on Wednesday, with the photo also featuring his other half.

‘It’s A Desperate Situation’ – Brazilian Club Portuguesa Hire Hypnotist To Help Stave Off Relegation

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By Chris Wright

Hypnotist Olimar Tesser going about his businessat Atibaia in 2013

Faced with the very real and very immediate threat of being relegated down to the third tier of Brazilian football, desperate Serie B side Portuguesa have gone with a "Hail Mary" approach to staving off the dreaded drop.

Just Ronaldinho Hoofing Footballs At Schmucks Running Across His Swimming Pool (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We can't imagine how or moreoverwhy this situation arose, but here's Ronaldinho passing the time by hammering footballs at a group of schmucks attempting to run across his swimming pool.

Ron'slast shot is a beauty and almost almost makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Radamel Falcao Has A Pet Parrot Called ‘Coco’ That Celebrates Every Single Goal He Scores (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While Radamel Falcao was busy getting off the mark for Manchester United agains Everton last weekend, the Colombian striker'sbeleaguered wife Lorelei was at home, bracing herself for yet another afternoon of relentless, maddening din.

The problem, you see, is that Falcao has a pet parrot by the name of Coco that celebrates by squawking "gol de Falca" over and over again each and every time the striker scores.

Football Vine: Roy Hodgson Makes His Way Into The Nicki Minaj ‘Anaconda’ Video

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By Chris Wright

We don't know who thisVonstrenginho chap is, but he appears to have made it his life's work to cut+paste Roy Hodgson into...well, pretty much anything and everything and that, at least as far as we're concerned, makes him some kind of bloomin' hero.

Roy Keane Reveals The Hilariously Predictable Reason He Didn’t Sign Robbie Savage For Sunderland

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By Chris Wright

As yet more excerpts and quotes from Roy Keane's second autobiographycontinue to ooze out all over the internet, one anecdote has caught Pies' eye this morning.

It centres around Keane, then manager of Sunderland, and his quickly-aborted pursuit of Robbie Savage, then of Blackburn Rovers' bench.

Diego Costa Celebrates Birthday With Lovely Cake From His Spain Teammates (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Diego Costa turned "26″ yesterday and, after meeting up with the rest of the Spain squad for lunch, the striker was surprised with a special cake aftertheir meal...

(Video: Sefutbol)

Euro 2016: England Limber Up At St. George’s Park Ahead Of San Marino Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly what it says on the tin: a whole bloody cavalcade of photos of the England squad limbering up at St. George's Park earlier today ahead of Thursday's Euro 2016 qualifier against the deadly San Marinians...

God bless Roy.

67-years-old and he don't half get through some graft during these things.

Vlad Chiriches Rams 100mph Clearance Directly Into Dorin Goian’s Face From Point-Blank Range (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With his fondness for alast-ditch defensive meltdown every once in a while, Vlad Chiriches has cultivatedhimself a bit of a reputation as an error-prone loose cannon at Tottenham.

Here is, reinforcing his image by almost turning Romanian teammate Dorin Goian's face into an "innie" by twatting (if you'll excuse the technical jargon)a rocket-propelled clearancedirectly into his cranium at point-blank range during a training game last night.

Nicklas Bendtner With The Training Ground Scissor-Kick Wonder Goal! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Currently in training with Denmark ahead of their upcoming Euro 2016 qualifiers againstAlbania and Portugal, Nicklas Bendtner is showing that following a two-year footballing haitus he's steadily getting back on his feet, then promptly getting off them again to score wonderful training ground scissor kicks like this.

12 Short And Sweet Football Managerial Reigns

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By Chris Wright

With the news today that Billy McKinley has been relieved of his duties at Watford after a massive 192 hours in charge at Vicarage Road, we thought we'd have a little look-see at some of world football's other managerial "ships in the night" so to speak.

Catastrophique: Montpellier HSC’s Stadium Completely Devastated By Freak Floods (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Ligue 1 side Montpellier HSC are reeling today after their stadium was absolutelydevastated by freak floods on Monday evening.

According to RFI, the city in the south of France was hit by a torrential downpour on Monday night which flooded the city and forced thousands of people to sleepin railway stations, airports and schools.

United Passions: Awful FIFA Movie ‘Running At Loss Of $26.8m’ After Making Just $200,000 At Box Office

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By Chris Wright

With a stellar ensemble cast includingTim Roth asSepp Blatter, Sam Neill asJoao Havelange and Gerard Depardieu asJules Rimet and a vast production budget, you'd think that there was no way on God's green Earth that the new FIFA movie, United Passions, could prove to be a box office flop and lo, here we are.

Snapshot: Stiliyan Petrov Is Back Playing Football For His Local Sunday League Team…

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By Chris Wright

A cracking way to start the morning, with the cockle-warming news that former Aston Villa and Celtic midfielder Stiliyan Petrov is back playing football again after being forced into early retirement in May 2013after being diagnosed withleukaemia the year earlier.

Schalke Appoint Roberto Di Matteo As New Coach After Whirlwind Managerial Switcheroo

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By Chris Wright

We're guessing that Schalke's HR department looks like a tornadohas torn through it given the amount of paperwork they must have chomped their way through over the last few hours.

In short, the German club have sacked coach Jens Keller and sworn in Roberto Di Matteo as his replacement in the space of a morning this being Di Matteo's first managerial job since being let goby Chelsea in November 2012.

Vincent Tan Crowbars Sly Dig At ‘Mediocre’ Malky Mackay Into Club Statement Welcoming New Cardiff Manager

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By Chris Wright

Not that we wish to overshadow ex-Leyton Orient boss Russell Slade's appointment as Cardiff City's new manager, but Vincent Tan has used the opportunity to get in yet another sly dig at former Bluebirds boss (and Tan's perennial arch-nemesis), Malky Mackay.

While welcoming Slade to Cardiff via a statement on the club website, Tan slid this little zing-a-linger into the third paragraph:

"Look at Russell's track record.

Let’s Hear It For…The Irresistible, Unstoppable Cristiano Ronaldo!

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By Chris Wright

After running riot against Athletic Bilbao last night, that's now three hat-tricks in four games for Cristiano Ronaldo a featwhich, you probably don't need us to tell you, is pretty bloody spectacular.

Ronaldo's three-goal haul was his record-equalling 22nd La Liga hat-trick, drawingthe Real Madrid superstar level with the hat-trick tallies of footballing deity Alfredo Di Stefano and La Liga's record all-timegoalscorer (for now):legendaryex-Bilbaostriker Telmo Zarra.

Khouma Babacar Scores 25-Yard Screamer As Fiorentina Comfortably See Off Inter Milan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Inter Milan went down to yet another embarrassing defeat in Serie A at the weekend, losing to Fiorentina 3-0 to leave the Nerazzurri wallowing in tenth; a full ten points off Juventus at the top of the table after just six games.

However, in form or otherwise, there's really not a lot you can do to stopgoals like Khouma Babacar's 7th-minute opener going in.

Football Vine: Roy Hodgson And Wayne Rooney Star In ‘Dueling Banjos’

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By Chris Wright

Bringing all kinds of unwantedmental pictures into our heads, here's Roy Hodgson and Wayne Rooney duelin' their banjos Deliverance-style for reasons we don't quite understand...

Why? Why not, we suppose.

Wayne'sgot a real pretty mouth, ain't he?

Bayern Munich Get Lederhosened Up To The Eyeballs And Hit Oktoberfest 2014 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis that time of year again and, let off the leash following Saturday's 4-0 win over Hannover, the Bayern Munich squad donned their finest lederhosen and suede hat combos and hit Oktoberfest the following day...

#456674820 / gettyimages.com #456679790 / gettyimages.

7 Explosive Extracts From Roy Keane’s Second Autobiography

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By Chris Wright

Good news for fans of miserly, volatile, borderline-sociopathic loners everywhere, bits of Roy Keane's second autobiography has leaked today with a flood of explosive excerpts finding their way onto the internetalready.

Ghost written by Irish novelist Roddy Doyle and entitled "The Second Half", Keane's second book picks up where his first left off in that basically it's a long, extended list of the many, many things and people he hates.

Roma Coach Rudi Garcia Sent Off For Playing Small, Imaginary Violin After Juventus Awarded Dubious Penalty (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The meeting between Juventus and Roma on Sunday was always likely to be a tempestuous old ding-ding, with the league's top two sides both coming into the game unbeaten.

It was Juve who eventually won out, with centre-back Leonardo Bonucci scoring a nicely-taken volley five minutes from time to nab the Bianconeri a 3-2 victory, with Roma leaving Turin feeling awfully hard done by.

Football GIF: Khouma Babacar Scores 25-Yard Piledriver As Fiorentina Comfortably See Off Inter Milan

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By Chris Wright

Inter Milan went down to yet another embarrassing defeat in Serie A at the weekend, losing to Fiorentina 3-0 to leave the Nerazzurri wallowing in tenth; a full ten points off Juventus at the top of the table after just six games.

However, in form or otherwise, there's really not a lot you can do to stopgoals like Khouma Babacar's 7th-minute opener going in.

Kevin De Bruyne Suffers ‘Hans Moleman’ Moment, Boinked In The Crotch By Flying Football Boot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just a few days after scoring an absolutely stonking volley in the Europa League last Thursday, Wolfsburg winger Kevin De Bruyne came crashing back down to Earth againstAugsburg at the weekend when , in trying to imitate a kick to the official, defender Tobias Werner inadvertently flicked his boot directly into the former Chelsea man's technical area.

Tottenham 1-0 Southampton – Christian Shoots Down Saints At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur1-0 Southampton Premier League 5th October 2014

Tottenham got back to winning ways on Sunday and in doing so ended Southampton's recent good run of form. Danish playmaker was the goal-hero for the Lilywhites, netting on 40 minutes after a Nacer Chadli lay-off.

West Ham 2-0 QPR – Hammers Win Again As Harry’s Hoops Stay Bottom (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United2-0 Queens Park Rangers 5th October 2014

Harry Redknapp's poor start to his first season back in the top division continued at the Boleyn Ground on Sunday, with his QPR side well beaten by West Ham.

The revitalised Hammers were a goal ahead after just five minutes when Stewart Downing's corner was deflected into his own net by Nedum Onuoha.

Chelsea 2-0 Arsenal – Blues Too Good For Gunners At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea2-o Arsenal Premier League 5th October 2014

Jose Mourinho once again got the better of Arsene Wenger on Sunday, at least on the pitch if not off it.

Chelsea, as expected, were simply too good for the Gunners, who struggled to trouble Thibault Courtois and then Peter Cech (after Courtouis was subbed off with concussion) despite having long spells of possession

Eden Hazard was a thorn in the Gunners' side all afternoon and it was the fleet-footed Belgian who won the hosts their penalty when he was fouled in the box by Laurent Koscielny.

Man Utd 2-1 Everton – Falcao On Target As Red Devils Return To Top Four (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-1 Everton Premier League 5th October 2014

Radamel Falcao finally opened his Manchester United account as the Red Devils battled to a 2-1 win against Everton.

Angel Di Maria opened the scoring just before the half-hour mark after the hosts had started strongly.

Aston Villa 0-2 Man City – Citizens Leave It Late Against Valiant Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-2 Manchester City Premier League 4th October 2014

Aston Villa's superb disciplined defensive display kept champions Manchester City at bay for all but the final eight minutes of this late game on Saturday at Villa Park.

Paul Lambert's side were solid and hard-working, leaving the Citizens struggling to break them down for most of the game.

Poor Old Cheadle Town FC Suffer Pretty Rough Day At The Office, Lose 0-22 To Russia U19s

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By Chris Wright

Bad day at the office? Spare a thought for Cheadle Town FC...

FT: Cheadle Town 0-22 Russia U19

— Cheadle Town FC (@CheadleTownFC) October 5, 2014

Yeesh.

A cursory glance at Cheadle Town's Twitter timeline shows Russia scored their first goal just four minutes in, before further adding to their tally in the 13th, 18th, 25th, 30th, 33rd, 38th, 42nd, 44th, 46th, 47th, 50th, 54th, 57th, 62nd, 67th, 68th, 69th, 73rd, 76th, 80th and 83rd minute before easing up for the final stretch.

Swansea 2-2 Newcastle – Super Cissé Double Mutes Swans At Liberty Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 2-2 Newcastle United Premier League 5th October 2014

Under-fire Newcastle boss Alan Pardew saw his side battle to a precious point at the Liberty Stadium on Saturday.

Papiss Cissé was the star of the game for the Magpies, scoring twice after the Swans had twice gone in front.

Leicester City 2-2 Burnley – Points Shared At King Power As Tykes End Goal-Drought (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

LeicesterCity 2-2 Burnley Premier League 5th October 2014

Burnley finally ended their goal-drough by netting two in their draw with Leicester at the King Power Stadium. However, it took a last-gasp equaliser from Ross Wallace to earn the Tykes a share of the spoils.

Sunderland 3-1 Stoke City – Fletch Lives! Recalled Striker Fires Black Cats To Victory Over Potters (Photos & Highlight)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 3-1 Stoke City Premier League 5th October 2014

Steven Fletcher rediscovered his shooting boots at the Stadium of Light on Saturday, with the recalled striker bagging brace against Stoke.

Connor Wickham opened the scoring after just four minutes for the hosts but that goal was soon cancelled out by Charlie Adam, with the Scottish midfielder producing a decent finish on 14 minutes.

Liverpool 2-1 West Brom – Lallana On Target As Reds Battle To Anfield Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 West Brom Premier League 5th October 2014

Liverpool secured a vital victory at Anfield on Saturday despite producing yet another shaky display.

Adam Lallana bagged his first goal for the Reds since he move from Southampton, linking up well with Jordan Henderson before slotting home on the stroke of half-time.

Football Vine: Arsene Wenger Shoves Jose Mourinho During London Derby

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By Alan Duffy

Good lord, not that long into the weekend's big clash between Chelsea and Arsenal At Stamford Bridge, things got rather heated between old foes Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho.

After the Arsenal boss had left his technical area to complain about a foul on the pitch, Mourinho told Wenger to go back to area.

Hull 2-0 Crystal Palace – Mo Goals, Mo Diamé: Midfielder On Target Again At KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 2-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 5th October 2014

Hull picked up their second win of the new Premier League season after a hard-fought but ultimately deserved win against Crystal Palace.

After a rather insipidfirst-half, the game sprung into life when Mo Diamé headed home the opening goal onthe hour-mark as the former West Ham man's superb goalscoring start to the campaign continue.

Snapshot: Newcastle Fans Unfurl Canny Anti-Pardew Banner At Liberty Stadium…

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By Chris Wright

Making a point of the fact that Newcastle have but fivewins to their name in 2014 and none in their lasteight Premier League games (stretching back to last season), several members of the growing anti-Pardew division of the Toon Army unfurled this little cracker in the stands at the Liberty Stadium this afternoon.

Up To His Old Tricks: Xabi Alonso Has A Go From The Half-Way Line…Again (GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Never shy to have a pop from distance, Xabi Alonsoput the frightners upHannover 'keeperRon-Robert Zieler earlier this afternoon by unleashing one from the half-way line...

Close, but nozigarre.

Football Vine: Cracking Gesture At Full-Time Completes Leeds Defender Giuseppe Bellusci’s Heroic Afternoon

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By Chris Wright

Having already scored Leeds' 80th-minute equaliser in their 1-1 draw with Sheffield Wednesday this afternoon, ex-Cataniacentre-half Giuseppe Bellusci waited for the final whistle before sprinting over to the fans at Elland Roadin order to bestow one fan with a smashing souvenir from the game.

Kaka & Pato Engage In Sao Paulo Training Ground Egg-Smashing Battle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sounding like loveable cartoon characters from the planet Neenoo, Sao Paulo teammates Kaka and Pato engaged in a bloody training ground egg-smashing duel as the rest of the squad attempted to pose for their 2014 team photo the other day.

Beginning with a sneak attack from Pato that cleared the immediate area, Kaka later got his own back after capturing the striker, pinning him down and meting out some sweet, sweet payback.

Ipswich U14 Academy Team Score Fantastic Fluid Counter-Attacking Team Goal vs Millwall (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Ipswich Town's U14 sproglets string together a rather slick, 13-pass counter-attacking manoeuvre to surgically dissect Millwall's academy side before applying a tidy finish to match...

It's just like watching Brazil West Ham reserves...

‘Thank You For Everything!’ – Toulouse Send Special Birthday Message And Gift Hamper To Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Partly as a gesture of their appreciation for the increasing the profile ofFrench football and partly, one suspects, because dropping his name into conversation is always good for precious, precious HITZ, Toulouse have sent a special, social media-friendly birthday message to Zlatan Ibrahimovic on the anniversaryof his 33rd year here on Earth.

Classic Moments: Aston Villa Striker Dalian Atkinson Scores 1992/93 Goal Of The Season With Herculean Slalom Against Wimbledon (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lace-up shirt collars, eh? By 'eck, them were the days

Exactly 22 years ago to this very day on October 3rd 1992, Aston Villa striker Dalian Atkinson scored the goal that would come to define his career in the inaugural year of the Premier League no bad thing, as it happens.

Europa League: Tottenham 1-1 Besiktas – Ba Bags Late Spot-Kick As Tottenham Toil At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Besiktas Europa League Group C 2nd October 2014

A late Demba Ba penalty gave Besiktas a deserved share of the points at White Hart Lane on Thursday night. Tottenham had struggled to contain Sleven Bilic's side for large periods of the game, with Hugo Lloris producing a number of superb saves.

Arsenal Face UEFA Fine Despite Full Extent Of Galatasaray Fans’ Ransacking Of The Emirates Being Revealed (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal are reportedly staring down the barrel of a UEFA fine for the crowd disturbance which temporarily halted Tuesday evening's 4-1 Champions League win over Galatasaray, despite all of the trouble emanating from the away section at the Emirates.

Around3,000 or so Gala fans made the trip to north London for the game, with a hail of flares causing the game to be delayed for several minutes while the flames were extinguished on the pitch.

Lukas Podolski Mocks Danny Welbeck Up As Homer Simpson On Instagram For Reasons We Don’t Quite Understand (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Ever wondered what Danny Welbeck would look like with Homer Simpson's head grafted on his shoulders?

Of course you have, and Lukas Podolski is here to help...

Who is this joining us for training? #Fun #Training #AFC #Homer #Simpsons #Doh #Poldi #aha #Özil #mysteryguest

We've no earthly idea what's going on here but one thing is abundantly clear: Podolski needs to get himself some first-team football soon before his brain dissolves into mush entirely.

Arsenal Stars Ozil, Cazorla & Podolski Have A Go At ‘Coopers Tires Challenge’, Whatever That May Be… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Arsenal stars Mesut Ozil, Santi Cazorla and Lukas Podolski square off against each other in the Coopers Tires/Tyres Challenge, as specially devised by "sports choreographer" Andy Ansah also known as the "unbelievable tekkers" berk from Soccer AM.

The challenge basically consists of the Gunners trio (with a bit of extra curricular help from a smattering of their colleagues) trying to lump balls through some car tyres.

Europa League: Wolfsburg’s Kevin De Bruyne Scores Ripsnorting 30-Yard Volley vs Lille (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With Lille going 0-1 up in the 77th minute via a Divock Origi penalty, Wolfsburg pegged their French opponents back with just eight minutes left to play in some style with Kevin De Bruyne leathering a perfectly-struck 30-yard volley straight into the top corner to square things up again.

Europa League: Feyenoord Score Freak Goal Straight From Throw-In vs Standard Liege

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By Chris Wright

While we can't see any obvious touch, the referee obviously spottedFeyenoord's Sven van Beek get an eyelash on the ball at the front post asMiquel Nelom'sYorker of a thrown-inmade its way up and over Standard Liege 'keeperEiji Kawashima and in to give the Dutch side the lead.

Europa League: Krasnodar 1-1 Everton – Eto’o Rescues Points For Toffees In Russia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Krasnodar 1-1 Everton Europa League Group H 2nd October 2014

A late Samuel Eto'o goal rescued a point for the Toffees on Thursday night after the Merseysiders had struggled against a quick and powerful Krasnador side.

The hosts went ahead just before half-time when striker Ari made the most of an error from Phil Jagielka and that goal was well deserved by the vibrant hosts.

Sing Hosanna And Rejoice For There May Be A Zlatan Ibrahimovic Movie In The Works!

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By Chris Wright

"HOLY WATER, CLEANSE MY SINS! MAKE ME PURE AGAIN!"

Coming on the back of the runaway success of his autobiography, "I Am Zlatan", it's being reported in Sweden that a follow-up Zlatan Ibrahimovic movie may well be in the works.

Universitario Forced To Turn Out For Bolivian League Game Wearing Fake VfB Stuttgart Shirts (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bolivian club Universitario have inadvertently kicked up a bit of fuss in the German press this week after being forced into turning out for their game against Oriente Petrolero at the weekend wearing a set of knock-offVfB Stuttgart strips.

Having turned up and even lined up for the pre-match photos, the referee chose that point to declareUniversitario'sstandard white away jerseywas too similar to Oriente's striped, though predominantly white home kit.

England Squad List For October’s Euro 2016 Qualifiers Released (Spot The Small But Crucial Error)…

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By Chris Wright

With another sodding international break almost upon us wherein England are set to do gladiatorial Euro 2016 qualification combat with San Marino and Estonia respectively, the FA have pumped out Roy Hodgson's chosen squad this afternoon.

Alas, as with most things FA, their England squad list contains asmall but eminently crucial error.

Bankrupt World Cup-Winner Andreas Brehme Offered Job Cleaning Toilets By Former Teammate

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By Chris Wright

Andreas Brehme was an intrinsic part of the Germany team that won the World Cup in 1990 having scored the winning goal in the final against Argentina, though it would appear that life for the former Bayern Munich left-back is far less salubrious these days.

According to reports in the German press, Brehme got himself into considerable debt after retiring from active duty last working in football during a short, ill-fated stint asGiovanni Trapattoni's assistant at VfB Stuttgart in 2005.

‘I Was Sh**ing Myself!’ – Gerard Pique Admits He’s Still A Little Bit Terrified Of Ex-Man Utd Teammate Roy Keane

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By Chris Wright

Despite leaving Manchester United at the age of 20 having only played alongside him for around a year or so, it would seem that Gerard Pique is still haunted by visions of one particularly intimidating former teammate with the vicious, wild-eyed spectre of Roy Keane still causing him to wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Bayern Munich Refund Fans Who Rented Office In Moscow Skyscraper To Watch ‘Closed Doors’ CSKA Game

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By Chris Wright

@FCBayern @clubnr12 Wo ein Wille ist, ist auch ein Weg! #MiaSanMia #CSKAFCB pic.twitter.com/OR1FFMvA15

— Tobi Schweinsteiger (@tobits7) September 30, 2014

Bayern Munich have done the thoroughly decent thing and refunded a small group of intrepid fans who rented out an office in tower block overlooking CSKA Moscow's stadium in order to watch their team play a "behind closed doors" Champions League tie on Tuesday evening.

Champions League: Basel 1-0 Liverpool – Below-Par Reds Bruised In Basel (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

FC Basel 1-0 Liverpool Champions League Group B 1st October 2014

Liverpool produced a rather limp display away in Switzerland on Wednesday night and would ultimately return home but nothing for theie trouble.

The Reds struggled to create enough decent chances throughout the game although both Mario Balotelli and Raheem Sterling did have efforts ruled out for offside.

Felipe Melo Gets Away With Horrendous Two-Footed Horror Lunge On Alexis Sanchez (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming half-an-hour or so into Arsenal's 4-1 drubbing of Galatasaray in the Champions League last night, Felipe Melo stayed true to form with a truly wince-inducing double-footed lunge on Alexis Sanchez which only earned the Brazilian makeshift defender a yellow card (and he still had the gall to complain to the referee).

Lifelong Tottenham Fan Changes Name By Deed Poll To ‘Gary White Hart Lane’

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By Chris Wright

An ardent Tottenhamfan for the last 40 years or so, Gary Lane (the man you see before you) has gone to great lengths in order to display his passion for his beloved football club.

With the obligatory club crest tattoos andbluecock letterbox already in place, 55-year-old Gary has shelled out the £100-odd to legally change his middle name by deed poll from "Mark" to "White Hart".

Champions League: Arsenal 4-1 Galatasaray – Gala Flares No Match for Gunners Flair As Welbeck Hits Hat-Trick (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 4-1 Galatasaray Champions League Group D 1st October 2014

A superb Danny Welbeck hat-trick helped secure a vital Champions League win for the Gunners on a Wednesday night. The England man produced three fine finishes as the visitors struggled to cope with the pace of Arsenal's front three.

Rapid Vienna Invite Fans Along To Help Demolish Their Gerhard Hanappi Stadium

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to dismantle their old stadium and raise a bit of cash in the process, Rapid Vienna are holding a "Demolition Party" for their fans this coming Saturday.

The party basically entails Rapid fans paying for the privilege of being allowed to unscrew seats, chisel away walls, slicingup the goal-nets and hacking up the turf at the club's now-defunct Gerhard Hanappi Stadium.

Ryanair Offer Jack Grealish And His Family Free Flights If Aston Villa Prodigy Pledges International Future To Republic Of Ireland

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By Chris Wright

Coming with the requisite fleet feet and abysmal "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" haircut so beloved of young footballers at the moment, Jack Grealish has been singled out for greatness by Aston Villa fans following a sequence of impressive first-team cameos this season.

Football Vine: Nani Expertly Plays In The Referee After Mistaking Official For One Of His Teammates

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By Chris Wright

There is a misguided school of thought suggesting Nani is steadily getting back on his feet and arresting his downward career trajectory at Sporting Lisbon having scored a couple of goals since returning to his former club on loan from Manchester United.

However, we feel it's our bubble-bursting duty to tell you that he's actually been precisely the same old frustrating mix of nano-seconds of inspiration amid a stagnant, fetid pool of weak garbage juice.

Arsene Wenger Celebrates 18 Years In Charge At Arsenal – Here’s His Best Bits (Video & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With a Champions League ding-dongagainst Galatasaray on the cards for tonight, it's 18 years to the very day that Arsene Wenger took the job at Arsenal and proceeded to almost single-handedly change the way things were done in English football.

Turns out lager, curry, compulsive gambling and the odd line of cocaine aren't quite as conducive to elite sporting performanceas first thought.

Ouch: Referee Picked Off At Point-Blank Range During Argentinian Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the recent Argentinian lower-league tie betweenCentro Espanol and Liniers, female referee Salome Di Iorio (who actually officiated at the 2012 London Olympics) almost has her whistle knocked down her throat after being clangedin the face at point-blank range after inadvertently wandering into the flight path of a wayward cross-field pass.

Ronaldinho Stops To Sign Young Pitch Invader’s Shirt In The Middle Of Mexican League Match (Video)

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By Chris Wright

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With Ronaldinho proving to be exactly the kind of draw that Queretaro were hoping he'd be since signing for the Mexican club a month or so ago, fans have been flocking to the see the team in order to catch a glimpse of the living legend in action.

Football GIF: Francesco Totti Becomes Oldest Goalscorer In European Football History By Scoring Graceful Chip vs Jinxed Man City

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By Chris Wright

The seemingly ageless Francesco Totti is nowthe oldest goalscorer in the history of European football (surpassing Ryan Giggs' previous record) bybecoming the first player ever to score in the Champions League past his 38th birthday after netting Roma's equaliser against Manchester City at the Etihad last night.