Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2013

Everton 3-2 Newcastle – Romelu’s On Fire As Toffees Go Fourth (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 3-2 Newcastle United Premier League 30th September 2013

One wonders if Jose Mourinho is regretting his decision to let Romelu Lukaku move to Goodison Park last month, as the Belgian hitman produced a superb display against Newcastle on Monday night.

‘We’re Bucking The Trend’ – Gary Lineker Has Pop At ‘Match Of The Day’ Critics, Claims Alan Shearer Is ‘Really Good’

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By Chris Wright

The general consensus seems to be that Match of the Day (and especially Match of the Day 2) is growing ever more tedious and nonessential by the week, with increasing numbers of unmoved viewers lining up to voice their discontent at the "expert" punditry provided on Saturday and Sunday evenings.

Paolo Di Canio ‘Spat In His Own Face Several Times’ In Dressing Room Before Getting Sacked By Sunderland

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By Chris Wright

"Hey, O'Shea, these are for you buddy!"

The Daily Mirror are reporting Exhibit X/Y/Z (we forget which letter we're down to these days) in the "Proof if proof were needed that Paolo Di Canio is an angry, incomprehensible, barely coherent goon balloon" file this afternoon, claiming that the Italian "spat in his own face several times" as part of the dressing room rant that eventually culminated with his sacking as Sunderland manager last week.

Sunderland 1-3 Liverpool – Reds’ ‘SAS’ Shoot Down Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-3 Liverpool Premier League 29th September 2013

Forget Shearer and Sutton, Liverpool have their own SAS in the potent form of Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suarez and on Sunday against Sunderland, the Reds' strike duo fired Liverpool to a 3-1 win.

Kevin De Bruyne Forced To Train With Chelsea U21s After Dismal Performance Against Swindon

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say it's not exactly going to plan for Kevin de Bruyne at Chelsea so far with the news today that, having struggled to make anything approaching an impression at Stamford Bridge, the Belgian winger has been busted down to training with the club's U21 side by Jose Mourinho.

Sky Sports Scores App Reveals Something Terrible May Have Happened To Leiston FC On Saturday (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Conspiracy theories abound in the Ryman Premier League on Saturday afternoon after this mysterious update cropped up on the Sky Sports Score Centre app...

We were going to try and come up with a pithy explanation as to why Leistion no-showed, but frankly we can't do better than original spotter Wes Cullinane's (@WesWHU) cracking caption.

Roda JC Keeper Scores Unbelievably Unlucky, Yet Wonderfully Farcical Own-Goal vs Uhtrecht (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Roda JC 'keeper Filip Kurto notched a fantastically unlucky own-goal against Utrecht in the Eredivisie on Saturday, unwittingly nodding in at his own back post after Utrecht midfielderJens Toornstra's long, looping ball into the box beat absolutely everybody well, nearly everybody.

Swedish Goalkeeper Scores Brilliant 95th Minute Volley Equaliser To Help Stave Off Relegation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things are a bit tight down at the bottom of theSuperettan (i.e, the Swedish second tier) and points are becoming ever more crucial as the league enters its final stages, so it's little wonder that theVärnamo players went ever so slightly beserk when they managed to carve themselves out a 95th-minute equaliser against fellow relegation botherers Varberg on Sunday evening not least as the goal came through their 35-year-old keeper,Bjorn Akesson.

Robbie Fowler Forced To Apologise Live On Air For Calling Fernando Torres And Jan Vertonghen ‘A Pair Of Girls’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The BBC was inundated with complaints on Saturday afternoon when, while punditing on the Tottenham-Chelsea game for Final Score, Robbie Fowler described Fernando Torres and Jan Vertonghen as pulling at each other like a pair of girls."

As per, Twitter was immediately awash with righteous indignation as the complaints flooded in, forcing contrite host Jason Mohammad to apologise before allowing Fowler to personally apologise live on air, saying:

"I made a comment about women's football.

Football GIF: Mesut Ozil Does The Old ‘Chewing Gum Juggle’ Trick Before Swansea Game

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By Chris Wright

In which Mesut Ozil treats the crowd to the first airing of his special little "gum juggling" trick since moving to Arsenal before kick-off at the Liberty Stadium yesterday afternoon...

And again, in infinite loop form...

Of course, this isn't the first time we've seen Ozil fiddling around with his Wrigley's on the pitch in fact, it's something of a party piece for the tricky dicky German.

Gareth Bale Impregnates Thibaut Courtois With Alien Chestburster During Madrid Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Shocking scenes in La Liga yesterday evening when, during the final throes of Atletico Madrid's 1-0 victory over city rivals Real, Gareth Bale somehow manages to impregnate Atleti 'keeper Thibaut Courtois with an alien chestburster or so you'd assume, judging by the Atleti keeper's ludicrous reaction to receiving the faintest of nudges from the Welshman.

Swansea 1-2 Arsenal – Ramsey Scores Again As Gunners Win In Wales (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-2 Arsenal Premier League 28th September 2013

Arsenal made the most of their rivals' slip-ups on Saturday by extending their lead at the top of the table to two points courtesy of a hard-fought win in Wales.

Swansea had the better of the first-half, although neither side tested the goalkeepers.

Aston Villa 3-2 Man City – Citizens Arrest As Villans Claim Super Scalp (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 3-2 Manchester City Premier League 28th September 2013

A superb second-half performance from Aston Villa saw them overcome Manuel Pellegrini's star-studded Man City side at Villa Park.

The Citizens totally dominated the first period, with Yaya Toure eventually putting the visitors ahead just before half-time.

Hull 1-0 West Ham – Tigers’ Spot-Kick Victory Leaves Big Sam In A Lather (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 1-0 West Ham United Premier League 28th September 2013

Irish wideman Robbie Brady scored from the penalty spot to secure all three points for Hull today at the KC Stadium. However, the goal was rather controversial, with Brady himself adjudged to have been fouled in the box by Joey O'Brien.

Fulham 1-2 Cardiff – Mutch Ado About Something As Bluebirds Win At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-2 Cardiff City Premier League 28th September 2013

A last-gasp cracker from Jordon Mutch secured a superb away win form top-tier new-boys Cardiff at Craven Cottage, a result which increases the pressure on Whites' boss Martin Jol.

Tottenham 1-1 Chelsea – Torres Sees Red As Londoners Finish Level At The Lane (Highlights & Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Chelsea Premier League 28th September 2013

A second-half John Terry header secured a share of the points for Jose Mourinho against his old apprentice Andre Villas-Boas on Saturday.

The home side were the better team in the first period, with in-form IcelanderGylfi Sigurdsson netting on 19 minutes after good work from Cristian Eriksen.

Man Utd 1-2 West Brom – Berahino Fires Baggies To Victory As Red Devils Flop At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 28th September 2013

David Moyes' positively underwhelming start to his career in the Old Trafford hot-seat took yet another turn for the worse on Saturday when his Red Devils were beaten 2-1 by West Brom at home.

Southampton 2-0 Crystal Palace – Osvaldo On Target As Saints Ascend To Top Four (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 28th September 2013

Two early second-half goals for Southampton gave the Saints a deserved 2-0 win against Palace at St. Mary's, a result that sees the Solent side take their place in the top four in the table.

Fernando Torres Sent Off For Pretty Much Absolutely Nothing vs Tottenham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Come here Jan, you've got a bit of something on your face"

Fernando Torres and Jan Vertonghen had been bickering for the majority of the game with both players on yellow cards by the hour-mark, but, for reasons truly unfathomable to us, referee Mike Dean deemed this nothing challenge worthy of a second yellow for Nando, who was administered with his marching orders with ten minutes left to play at the Lane.

Swedish Police Get Rid Of Football Hooligans By Firing Them Down Ultra Fast Escalators (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Not sure what the health & safety rules are in Sweden, but they certainly look rather flimsy. As tempers frayed in Stockholm after the local derby betweenDjurgården and AIK, fans from both sides squared up in a train station. However, with most of the fire-up supporters congregating on the escalators, the local police decided to speed up said escalators and fire the fans away from the flashpoint.

30 Brilliantly Bizarre American And Canadian Soccer Team Names

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By Chris Wright

We all know that if there's one thing Yanks (and Canucks) excel at, it's saddling their sports teams with wonderfully overblown names. So, with a nod to @NikPostinger for planting the seed in the first place by bringing the Lafayette Swamp Cats to our attention this morning, here is a comprehensive run-down of Pies' favouritest American footsoccer team names.

Bookies Slash Odds On Sir Alex Ferguson Taking The Republic Of Ireland Job

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By Chris Wright

The Irish Independent are reporting that a leading bookmaker have slashed their odds of Sir Alex Ferguson becoming the next manager of the Republic of Ireland after a swathe of bets on the former Manchester United boss were placed this afternoon.

Retro Football: Cracking Video Shows Progression Of FIFA Games From 1993′s ‘FIFA International Soccer’ Onward

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By Chris Wright

With FIFA 14 being released today as the franchise moves into its 21st year, we were suddenly overcome by a potent gust of nostalgic whimsy as our minds were instantly cast back to the very first game in the series: 1993′s FIFA International Soccer, which we spent countless hours poring over on the Mega Drive.

Retro Snapshot: Man Utd’s 1982 Team Photo Is A Glorious Thing To Behold…

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By Chris Wright

As posted on Manchester United's official Twitter account yesterday evening, behold and revel in the wonder that is the club's 1982/83 team photo a truly wonderful group shot, peppered with all the latest Sharp technology of the day to celebrate the club's first ever shirt sponsor.

‘It’s Not Like I Killed Anybody’ – Mario Balotelli (Kind Of) Apologises For Intimidating Ref And Getting Himself Sent Off Against Napoli

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By Chris Wright

The official line is that Mario Balotelli was sent off following the final whistle of Milan's recent Serie A game against Napoli (shortly after having missed a penalty for the first time in his career) for "intimidating" referee Luca Branti, with anecdotal evidence suggesting that the former Man City striker told the official: "I will kill you, you will pay for this.

Grim, Bloody Injury In Swiss Super League As Luzern Keeper David Zibung Accidentally Studded In The Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There was a nasty old moment in the Swiss Super League on Wednesday evening when, in the act of closing down Grasshoppers strikerIzet Hajrovic, Luzern 'keeper David Zibung was on the receiving end of a face full of studs.

Unsurprisingly, there's a fair amount of blood spillage in this here clip.

Cristiano Ronaldo Writes To Miami Police, Asks Them To Drop Criminal Charges Against Hug-Happy Pitch Invader

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By Chris Wright

Cristiano Ronaldo has respectfully written to the Miami police force (Crockett & Tubbs?) to politely request that the two criminal charges brought against the pitch invader who broke onto the field to share an intense, elongated hug with the Real Madrid star when the Spanish side played Chelsea during a pre-season tournament in America.

Deco Banned From Football For One Year For Doping, One Month After Retiring From Football

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By Chris Wright

Deco has this afternoon been banned from football for an entire year by theSuperior Court of Sports Justice (STJD) after being found guilty of doping offences not that his sentence is going to hit him particularly hard, especially seeing as it comesroughly a month after the former Porto, Barcelona and Chelsea midfielder officially announced his retirement.

Keith Gillespie Fondly Remembers The Day Alan Shearer Knocked Him Out Cold In Broad Daylight For Flicking Bottle Caps At Him In A Dublin Bar

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By Chris Wright

SHEEEEEAAAAAARRRRREEEERRRRR!!!!

Keith Gillespie's new autobiography, "How Not To Be A Football Millionaire", is being serialised in the Daily Mirror this week and today's excerpt features a warm tale of the time the jinky Newcastle winger, on a team-bonding jaunt to Dublin, found himself waking up in a hospital bed with just the dimmest recollection of having pissed of Alan Shearer by pinging bottle tops at him in a bar.

Juventus Impose One-Month Ban For Mardy Subs Who Storm Down Tunnel After Andrea Pirlo Throws Slight Wobbly Against Chievo

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By Chris Wright

"This way please..."

Juventus coach Antonio Conte has warned his players that they will face a one-month ban if, upon being substituted, they do anything other than return to the bench and watch the remainder of the game.

Conte's declaration comes after Andrea Pirlo wafted straight down the tunnel in a huff after being subbed off for Claudio Marchisio in the 66th minute of the Bianconeri's 1-2 win against Chievo in Verona last night.

Criciuma Esporte Clube Appoint Coach With Truly Wonderful Rude Name – Brazilian Commentary Just Got A Whole Lot Trickier!

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By Chris Wright

You may not be overly well acquainted with Criciuma EC, but they play in the Brazilian Serie A and they, as of today, are responsible for one of the finest managerial appointments in football history...

Criciuma have appointed Argelico Fucks as their new coach.

Rio Ferdinand To Launch ‘The Footies’, His Very Own Football Awards Ceremony

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By Chris Wright

"And the award for looking most like a cartoon camel goes to...Rio Ferdinand!"

There are many strings to Rio Ferdinand's bow, what with him being all media savvy, having a brand and owning a restaurant and what not.

Noticing a hole in the football awards calendar in between the PFA awards, the Ballon d'Or, the Football League awards, the LMA awards, the FWA awards, the UEFA club football awards, the FIFPro awards, etc, etc, Rio has decided to launch his own awards bash, the "Footies", which we are reliably informed is "the Oscars" of the football industry in much the same way that the CEEQUALS are the Oscars of the sewage and waste treatment industry.

German Fourth Division Side Rot-Weiss Essen Bamboozle Opponents With Clever ‘Botched’ Freekick Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which German fourth tier side Rot-Weiss Essen successfully pull off a cunning "Too Many Cooks..." freekick ruse againstWattenscheid, with five RWE players pretending to have botched a training ground routine while midfielderBenedikt Koep runs in and curls home a beaut.

Pepe Wins Dodgy 94th Minute Penalty For Real Madrid By Pulling Defender Down On Top Of Himself, Elche Fans Complain To The Police (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Pepe, how COULD you?!"

With the score level at 1-1 and injury time fast wicking away, Real Madrid had to resort to drastic measures to rack up a late victory over newly-promoted Elche when Pepe did what Pepe does best in the 94th minute of the game (despite the referee only adding three minutes on in the first place): hauling defenderCarlos Sanchez down on top of himself in the area to engineer himself a decidedly dodgy penalty.

Football GIFs: Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner Smashes Ball At West Brom Ball-Boys, Crashes Into Post

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By Alan Duffy

A veritable blast from the Arsenal past, samurai-haired Nicklas Bendtner made his return to action for the Gunners against West Brom on Wednesday night. The lanky Dane didn't score but did (accidentally, we hope) score a bullseye when he launched the ball straight at a gaggle of ball-boys after being adjudged to be offside.

Capital One Cup: Man Utd 1-0 Liverpool – Suarez Returns But Hernandez Hits Winner For Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-0 Liverpool Capital One Cup 25th September 2013

A strike from Javier Hernandez early in the second-half gave David Moyes a much-need victory against Liverpool. The Mexican netted from close-range after a corner from Wayne Rooney to defeat a Liverpool side with Luis Suarez making his comeback from suspension.

Capital One Cup: Young Gunners Win On Penalties, Magpies Beat Leeds And Swans Crash Out (Various Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Right, I'm not bloody doing an individual report for each Capital One Cup game tonight, it's late, I'm tired and I'm old.

I've already covered the sexy clash of the night, which saw Man Utd win against Liverpool, but in the other ties tonight, cup holders Swansea were turfed out of the the competition by Birmingham at St.

Snapshot: Michael Jackson Finally Escorted From The Fulham Premises…

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By Chris Wright

It's the end of a particularly stupid era at Craven Cottage today...

MJ has left the building. May as well sling it straight in the river, boys!

(Photo: @sarahbrookes1,communications director at Fulham)

Arsenal Ban BBC Police Drama ‘By All Means’ From Using Official Kit For Alluding To Gooners As ‘Inept, Half-Witted Criminals’

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal Football Club banned BBC police drama "By All Means" from using the club's official kit after taking umbrage with the show for portraying their fans as half-witted, inept criminals.

The programme, which aired on Sunday night, featured a scene wherein a bail-skipping Arsenal fan was tricked into being re-arrested after being invited for a tour of the Emirates by undercover police.

Robert Lewandowski Confirms He Will Sign Pre-Contract Agreement With Bayern Munich In January

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By Chris Wright

Borussia Dortmund striker Robert Lewandowski has confirmed that he is to join Bayern Munich at the end of the current season, also claiming that he will be signing a pre-contract agreement with Pep's side in January just to nail his move down.

When asked directly by Sport1 reporters if he would be confirming his move to the Allianz Arena in January, Lewandowski replied: "Yes, because then I can officially sign the contract.

Gennaro Gattuso Sacked As Palermo Coach After Three Months, Mad Owner Maurizio Zamparini Hires Beppe Iachini As 28th Manager In 12 Years

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By Chris Wright

"Buongiorno Rino, welcome to Palermo. Don't get comfortable..."

After a mediocre start to life in Serie B, rumours that Gennaro Gattuso had been sacked by Palermo circulated yesterday but they were duly quashed by the club's tyrannical owner Maurizio Zamparini, who told reporters that he had not come to a decision yet and that he was planning to "sleep on it".

Atletico Madrid Striker Diego Costa Accidentally Loses His Shorts And Undercrackers vs Osasuna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You asked for more nude, hairy male bum cracks on Pies* and, by Jove, we're giving them to you this morning. After already seeing Jan Verthongen attempting to stop Aston Villa striker Nicolas Helenius in his tracks by hauling his shreddies down around his knees, comes this wonderful little snippet from last night's La Liga fixtures in which Atletico Madrid forward Diego Costa is relieved of his shorts and undercrackers after being brought down by Osasuna'sFrancisco Silva.

Capital One Cup: City Bang In Five, Everton Crash Out As Big Boys (Mostly) Survive Third Round (Various Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Despite remaining the only unbeaten side in the Premier League, Roberto Martinez's Everton went down 2-1 to Fulham at Craven Cottage to become the biggest casualty of the Captial One Cup third round. Cardiff were the only other Premier League side to go out, courtesy of a 3-2 defeat against West Ham while Norwich survived extra-time to beat Watford 3-2.

Caught With His Pants Down: Aston Villa’s Nicklas Helenius Debriefed By Tottenham’s Jan Vertonghen (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

While we can see the funny side of this bizarre moment from Spurs' 4-0 drubbling of Villa on Tuesday night, Villans' boss Paul Lambert was less than impressed.

When beanpole striker Nicklas Helenius got in front of Jan Vertonghen in the Lilywhites' box, the Belgian defender proceeded to pull down the striker's pants, stopping him from continuing his run.

Horror Hair: Nicklas Bendtner Turns Up To Training Looking Like A Little Girl With A Beard

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By Chris Wright

Back from the brink despite the odds, newly reinstated Arsenal squad fodder Nicklas Bendtner turned up to training this morning looking ever so slightly like a four-year-old girl with a beard...

Blimey. Strangely enough, however, Nicky's new ropy Samurai ponytail is nowhere close to being the worst look he's ever plumped for, oh no.

Belgian Midfielder Sees Penalty Saved By Keeper, Dispatches Rebound With An Overhead Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hats off to Hoogstraten VV midfielderGlenn van der Linden, who managed to stick away a penalty rebound in his side's Belgian second division game withMouscron-Peruwelz on Saturday with just about as much pizzazz as is humanly possible smashing the loose ball past the keeper with an overhead kick.

Man Utd Fan Delivers Cracking Wedding Toast After Marrying Into Family Full Of Man City Supporters (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's a little corker that's doing the viral rounds today of a Manchester United-supporting groom, having set up what his wedding guests are expecting to be an emotional tribute to his late father, delivers a bloody brilliant swerve punchline, much to the delight (along with some good-natured booing) of the family full of Manchester City fans he'd literally just married into.

Benfica Coach Jorge Jesus Could Face Three-Year Ban For ‘Interfering With Police Work’ After Defending Fan From Security Guards

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By Chris Wright

According to Eurosport, Benfica coach Jorge Jesus (the Sandi Toksvig of the managerial world) may be staring down the barrel of a three-year YEAR! ban for forcibly fending off security guards and police who were trying to pin down a pitch-invading fan at the end of Benfica's1-0 win at Vitoria Guimaeres on Sunday.

Liverpool U21 Youngling Adam Morgan Thrashes One In From 50 Yards vs Man City U21 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Liverpool youngling Adam Morgan absolutely thrashing one in from 50-odd yards against Manchester City's U21 string in the Elite Development Prodigious Super Duper Everyone's-A-Winner League last night...

Thousands of miles away, sitting at home on his settee in Madrid with a glass of strawberry Nesquik in his hand, Xabi Alonso got a warm feeling way down in his plums when that one flew in.

Mathieu Flamini Allegedly Threatened To ‘Blind’ Stoke’s Marc Wilson For Going In Hard On Jack Wilshere

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By Chris Wright

Jack Wilshere is a delicate little flower, largely unable to fend for himself in this big, wide world, so thank goodness then that's he's Mathieu Flamini back to him up in the middle of the park.

Nothing concrete has been or is likely to be confirmed, but it's being tentatively reported this morning that the FA wanted a word with Flamini after Arsenal's 3-1 win over Stoke on Saturday after it was alleged that the French midfielder threatened to 'blind' Marc Wilson if he continued going in hard on poor 'ickle Wilshy.

Northampton’s Mathias Kouo-Doumbe Scores Long Range Volleyed Own-Goal On His Debut vs Mansfield (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having witnessed this peach on the Football League Show over the weekend, we desperately wanted to share it with y'all yesterday but sadly we completely forgot.Praise be then, to Pies fan Liam Scowcroft, who did us a solid and sent in this link via email this morn.

“I Understood What I’d Done Immediately” – Roma’s Federico Balzaretti Bursts Into Tears After Scoring Against Lazio

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By Chris Wright

Roma saw off Lazio in the Derby della Capitale on Sunday afternoon, winning 2-0 to go joint-top of the Serie A table with Napoli and poor old Federico Balzaretti had an absolutely torrid time of it, emotionally speaking that is.

The Giallorossi full-back who was widely criticised for his lapse performance against Lazio in last season's Coppa Italia final opened the scoring on the hour mark with a tidy volley and immediately burst into floods of tears on the pitch, apparently overcome by the magnitude of his goal and what it meant to the club.

Romelu Lukaku Had To Be Told He’d Scored The Winner Against West Ham After Being Knocked Unconscious In The Process

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By Chris Wright

After being unable to play against parent club Chelsea in what should have been his first game for Everton last weekend, Romelu Lukaku popped up to score the winning goal in the 85th minute as The Toffees beat West Ham 2-3 at Upton Park on Saturday which, theoretically at least, should've made his debut rather memorable for the Belgian striker.

Argentinos Juniors Player Breaks Three Teeth After Diving Headfirst Into Slide Tackle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Argentinos Juniors midfielderGaspar Iniguez makes an astoundingly poor decision to attempt to slide tackle Boca Juniors'Cristian Erbes using nothing but his face, resulting in the 19-year-old having to have his front three teeth removed...

Definite shades of John Terry there.

Snapshot: Everton Reveal Three Potential New Crest Designs, Fans Allowed To Vote For Favourite…

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By Chris Wright

These below be they, and by "they" we mean the three new, viable and attractive options for Everton's club badge, rendered by an "independent design team" on the club's behalf...

As you may remember, Toffees fans were up in arms when the club revealed their new club badge for 2013/14, with petitions being bandied around and many supporters flat-out refusing to purchase any merchandise with the new logo on it, cheifly because it made Prince Rupert's Towerlook a bit like Bilbo Baggins' house.

Mario Balotelli Misses First Penalty Of Professional Career As Pepe Reina Makes The Save (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Mario Balotelli has missed repeat,MISSED! a penalty.Yes, you read that correctly.

The editor of HasBalotelliMissedAPenalty.com had their work cut out last night.

Paolo Di Canio Sacked By Sunderland – We Wonder If This Mackem Fan Regrets His Tattoo?

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By Chris Wright

As it was sort of told in the prophecy (well, our pre-season Premier League predictions), Sunderland sacked Paolo Di Canio just before close of play last night for being anunintelligible screwball, leaving the Black Cats looking for their sixth manager in the space of five years.

XI Partially Hungover Conclusions: Man City 4-1 Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

We'll have photos and highlights up in good time, but here's Pies' quick, partially hungover conclusions from today's Manchester derby at t' Etihad which, we're guessing you're already well aware, City walked 4-1.

1. City just won the league.

Cardiff 0-1 Tottenham – Paulinho Pops Up To Give Lilywhites Deserved Win In Wales (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Cardiff City Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 22nd September 2013

A last-gasp Paulinho goal finally broke down Cardiff's defences on Sunday afternoon, as Spurs battled their way to a vital 1-0 win in Wales.

The visitors produced chance after chance but just couldn't get that breakthrough as the Bluebirds fought to protect their goal, with 'keeperDavid Marshall superb throughout.

Man City 4-1 Man Utd – Aguero Bags Brace As Citizens Rout Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 4-1 Manchester United Premier League 22nd September 2013

David Moyes endured an horrific first Manchester derby on Sunday as he watched his United side thoroughly outplayed by rivials City.

Sergio Aguero netted twice, with his goals bookending strikes by the outstanding Yaya Toure,on the stroke of half-time, and Smir Nasri who scored on 50 minutes.

Crystal Palace 0-2 Swansea – Swans On Song At Selhurst Against Iffy Eagles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 0-2 Swansea City Premier League 22nd September 2013

Michael Laudrup's Swansea coasted to victory at Selhurst Park on Sunday, with Spaniard Michu the star of the show for the visitors.

The striker netted after just 80 seconds and then had a hand in the second which was finished off by Nathan Dyer after the break as the Welsh side dominated proceedings.

Snapshot: The Infinite Power Of Ozil – Gunner Mesut Raises Laurent Koscielny Into Air By Telekenisis

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By Alan Duffy

Prior to having a hand in all three of Arsenal's goals against Stoke on Sunday afternoon, the Gunners' German genius Mesut Ozil performed a bit of pre-match telekinesis by raising Laurent Koscielny up into the air. Sort of. Is there anything the ex-Madrid superstar can't do?

Arsenal 3-1 Stoke – Ramsey On Target As Gunners Win Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-1 Stoke City Premier League 22nd September 2013

Mark Hughes' Stoke side produced an impressive display at the Emirates on Sunday, but ultimately it was the home side who would continue to their superb winning streak.

Aaron Ramsey, victim of that infamous Ryan Shawcross challenge in 2010, opened the scoring yet again, netting what was probably the most satisfying of all his goals on six minutes after Mesut Ozil's free-kick was limply parried by Asmir Begovic.

Chelsea 2-0 Fulham – Mikel Off The Mark As Blues Battle To Derby Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Fulham Premier League 21st September 2013

Midfielder Jon Obi Mikel finally bagged his first Premier League goal for Chelsea as they worked hard to secure a 2- 0 home win against west London neighbours Fulham.

Jose Mourinho left Juan Mata in the stands for this game and his side struggled to take control of the clasg in the first period, with Fulham creating the better chances.

West Brom 3-0 Sunderland – Paulo Under Pressure As Baggies Bury Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 3-0 Sunderland Premier League 21st September 2013

As it so often the case, an old boy came back to score against his former club on Saturday, this time in the form of ex-Sunderland attacker Stephane Sessegnon. The gifted forward opened the scoring at the Hawthorns as the home side coasted to a win which heaps more pressure on Black Cats' boss Paulo Di Canio.

West Ham 2-3 Everton – Baines’ Brace Fires Toffees To Comeback Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-2 Everton Premier League 21st September 2013

A couple of superb second-half free-kick from indie-haired imp Leighton Baines helped Everton to a dramatic 3-2 win away at the Boleyn Ground.

Rave Morrison had put the home side a goal up on the half-hour mark, bu the half-time introduction of Romelu Lukaku and James McCarthy kickstarted the Toffees, who found themselves on level terms on 62 minutes, courtesy of a fine Baines free-kick.

Paolo Di Canio Comes Out Onto Pitch To Talk (From Safe Distance) With Irate Sunderland Fans After West Brom Defeat…

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By Chris Wright

Straight out of the Phil Brown handbook, Paolo Di Canio came out onto the pitch at the Hawthorns to "talk" with the traveling Sunderland fans after his side lost 3-0 against West Brom this afternoon.

Notice he doesn't get too close..

Seriously, if this guy makes it to November we'll be amazed.

Liverpool 0-1 Southampton – Lovren Heads Saints To Victory As Reds Unbeaten Run Ends (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-1 Southampton Premier League 21st September 2013

Liverpool, without the creativity of their injured Brazilian Philippe Coutinho, went down 1-0 at Anfield on Saturday afternoon, a result that sees their rivals Everton remain the only unbeaten side in the top tier.

Newcastle 2-3 Hull – Remy Brace Not Enough As Tigers Edge St James’ Park Thriller (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-3 Hull City Premier League 21st September 2013

Summer-signing Loic Remy bagged two first-half goals for the Magpies but ultimately it would prove inconsequential as Steve Bruce's Hull side pulled off a fine away win.

Remy's goals sandwiched a Robbie Brady goal to set up a dramatic second period, which opened withAhmed Elmohamady's close-range equaliser.

Norwich 0-1 Aston Villa – Kozak Kickstarts Villans At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich 0-1 Aston Villa Premier League 21st September 2013

Ex-Lazio striker Libor Kozak was Aston Villa's goal-hero at Carrow Road in Saturday's early game, coming off the bench to score the only goal of the game on 30 minutes.

While Kozak, who had come on for the injured Christian Benteke, scored the winning goal, Brad Guzan in the Villa goal was the star of the show, saving a Robert Snodgrass spot-kick and producing a dominant display between the posts.

Sparta Prague ‘B’ Player David Hovorka Scores With Incredible Flying Arse Volley In Local Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sparta Prague's David Hovorka really rubs it in while scoring his side's third goal in their comfortable 3-0 win over the Czech third tier's bottom side (pun shamefully intended) Meteor Prague by nudging a cross over the line using nowt but his backside.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Discusses Life, Love, Pep And Everything In Fantastic BBC Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that we wish to tread on BBC's toes, but here's their really rather good interview with Zlatan Ibrahimovic in full (a few snippets have been doing the rounds over the past couple of weeks), in which the PSG striker discusses his footballing career to date; from his lanky, ungainly beginnings at Malmo to his dream move to Barcelona "almost killing him" and winding up as part of the PSG project; as well as his perceived image.

Andres Iniesta Makes Cameo In Spanish Crime Caper Movie ‘Who Shot Bambi?’, Gets Thwacked In Face By Car Door (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems that Andres Iniesta was bitten by the acting bug after starring as an albino pirate in the Spanish version of Aardman animation "Pirates" as the Barcelona midfielder has bagged his second big screen role in crime caper "Quien Mato a Bambi?

‘He Was Really Nice, We Had Cake’ – After Being Sent Off, Jurgen Klopp Watched The Rest Of Dortmund’s Champions League Game With Napoli’s Caretaker

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By Chris Wright

You'd be forgiven that, after being sent off for unleashing all holy hell in the fourth official's face after half-an-hour of Dortmund's opening Champions League tie against Napoli, Jurgen Klopp would've made his way to the dressing room and duly taken out his frustrations by kicking the door off its hinges and reducing a couple of physio tables down to their component parts.

FIFA 14 Review: Goodness Gracious, Great Balls Of Fire

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By Gareth McKnight

The FIFA 14 demo has been released, with the full version of the game set to be launched on 27th September in the UK. The overwhelming majority of those talking about the demo on Twitter are making positive noises, with EA Sports keen to introduce changes to the game this year.

‘The Neville And Carragher Novelty Will Wear Off’ – Richard Keys Provides Wonderfully Disillusioned Thoughts On Sky Sports’ Current Output

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By Chris Wright

Richard Keys used to present Sky Sports' football coverage for many-a-year. He now doesn't. This is because he did a small sexism on television a couple of years ago and paid the price. Now he and his partner in crime, Andy Gray, present Premier League coverage out in Qatar with Al Jazeera.

Shit Football Kits: Arsenal’s Hideously Gaudy (And Quilted) ‘Big Red Star’ Goalkeeper Shirt, 1995

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at the state of that...

Quilted for comfort.

There doesn't seem to be any irrefutable photographic evidence that David Seaman ever wore this gaudy monstrosity out in public back in the halycon days of disgusting goalkeeper shirt design the mid 1990s though we did manage to dredge up one image of Seamo wearing something incredibly similar (from the back at least) whilemeeting future fellow England international Andy Hinchcliffe for the first time.

Man Utd’s Fastest Fan Usain Bolt Tries To Knacker Out Sergio Aguero Ahead Of Sunday’s Manchester Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, under the guise of helping him try out his new Puma boots, Manchester United's fastest fan Usain Bolt attempts a bit of competitive sabotage by trying toknacker out Manchester City striker Sergio Aguero ahead of the first Manc derby of the season at The Etihad on Sunday afternoon.

Europa League: Top 15 Photos, 19th Sep 2013 – Swans, Bats, Spurs And Hundreds Of Naked Poles

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the finest 15 stills captured over the course of last night's various, myriad Europa League action...

Valencia's Mestalla stadium in all its ragged glory, complete with brand new "Murcielago" seating design

Eintracht Frankfurt's Vaclav Kadlec and Bordeaux's Julien Faubert both get caught in a sudden updraft

Swansea's Wilfried Bony slowly gets to his feet after being hauled down by Valencia's last man, Adil Rami

Rubin Kazan's Ivan Marcano leaves the Maribor defence in tatters after scoring the Russian side's second goal in their 2-5 away win

Michu celebrates scoring Swansea's second unanswered goal under the floodlights at the Mestalla.

Barcelona Roll Out Stylish New Black Third Kit For 2013/14 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona have finally gotten round to rolling out their new third strip for 2013/14 with this svelte, stylish little black number as modeled by Neymar.

According to the blurb, the kit is "powerful" with a "modern collar" and has subtle nods to the Catalan 'Senyera' flag what with the little red and yellow flashes 'n' all.

Christian Eriksen Gets Off The Mark For Tottenham With Gorgeous Curler vs Tromso (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham made light work of Tromso in their opening Europa League Group K fixture at The Lane last night, with Jermaine Defoe taking his Euro tally to eight goals in his last seven outings with a first-half Defoe-esque brace and Christian Eriksen fleshing out the result after entering the fray on the hour-mark and whipping home a delightful curling effort with five minutes left to play.

Instant Karma: Andranik Teymourian Rescues Injured Butterfly From Pitch, Proceeds To Score 35-Yard Thunderspanker! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Esteghlal midfielder Andranik Teymourian enjoyed a bit of instant karma against Buriram Unitedin the Asian Champions League last night when, minutes after saving a knackered butterfly from being trampled into the turf and escorting it to the side of the pitch, he stepped up and walloped home an absolute screamer from 35 yards to give his side the lead.

Fulham To Finally Remove Michael Jackson Statue From Craven Cottage

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By Chris Wright

That sound you hear is thousands of Fulham fans collectively exhaling in sheer relief at the news that the bloody awful Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage is to finally be removed.

A spokesman for Fulham told reporters: "The Michael Jackson statue that stands at Fulham's Craven Cottage stadium in west London is to be removed.

Gay Rights Group Withdraws Support Of ‘Rainbow Laces’ Campaign Over ‘Sexualised Innuendo’ Of Slogan

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By Chris Wright

The gay rights group backing the 'rainbow boot lace' campaign which is due to take place across all English and Scottish league football games have withdrawn their backing due to the "sexualised innuendo" of the chosen campaign slogan.

The 'Football v Homophobia' group were appalled by dual organisers Stonewall and Paddy Power's decision to run with the slogan "Right Behind Gay Footballers", which, you'd have to agree, is a little on the "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" side.

Edgar Davids Missed Barnet’s League Game Against Gateshead To Visit The Playboy Mansion

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By Chris Wright

According to the Daily Mail, Barnet player-manager Edgar Davids missed the club's Conference game away against Gateshead last month because he was in Los Angeles visiting the Playboy Mansion.

Yep, for some reason spending his Saturday night at a party in Hugh Hefner's grotto appealed more to our Edgar than an eight-hour, 520-mile round bus trip to the Gateshead International Stadium.

Asian Champions League: Crossbar Denies Three Separate Lekhwiya SC Players Three Times In Space Of Three Seconds! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Marcelo Lippi's Guangzhou Evergrande side thrashed Qatari outfitLekhwiya4-1 in theAFC Champions League yesterday, and it should come as some surprise that Lekhwiya managed to get themselves on the scoresheet at all when you see the following charade.

First of all Karim Boudaif's deflected strike pings up off a Guangzhou defender's foot and spanks the crossbar, only for the rebound to fall toMohamed Musa, who send his header clanging off the woodwork again, only for the rebound to fall toYousef Msakni who, in turn, sees his header smack against the bar for the third time in slightly less than three seconds.

Shit Lookalikes: Harry Redknapp & John Carpenter’s The Thing

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By Chris Wright

Super, super harsh stuff from Pies fan Rick Howler (but it's 'Arry so we'll let it slide), who says "I was watching John Carpenter's The Thing from 1982 the other night and couldn't help but notice it was a doppelganger for a certain jowly somebody..."

Strewth.

Big Bad FAIL: AmaZulu Keeper Attempts To Run Down Clock In 92nd Minute, Immediately Costs His Side Victory (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Amazulu could've gone comfortably top of the table in South Africa with a win over Bidvest Wits in the Premier League last night and they looked on course to do so, leading 1-0 as the clock ticked over into the 92nd minute of the game.

Sadly, that was about the time that their goalkeeper,Tapuwa Kapini, decided to try and waste a bit of time.

Football GIF: Jurgen Klopp Sent Off For Flying Into Weird, Seething, Terrifying Rage In Fourth Official’s Face

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By Chris Wright

Borussia Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp was not, repeat nothappy last night after Napoli scored while Neven Subotic was waiting to come back onto the pitch after receiving treatment on the touchline.

So much so, in fact, that he exploded in weird, red-faced rage right in front of the fourth official and came extraordinarily close to swallowing him whole.

Anything You Can Do… Messi Matches Ronaldo With Champions League Hat-Trick For Barcelona Against Ajax (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo must be some sort of footballing aliens, as they so far ahead of every other footballer on the planet. After Ronaldo's superb hat-trick against Galatasray last night, Lionel Messi decided to get in on the act against Ajax at the Nou Camp on Wednesday evening, netting three of his own in Barca's 4-0 victory.

Champions League: Milan 2-0 Celtic – Battling Bhoys Undone By Late Goals At The San Siro (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

AC Milan 2-0 Celtic Champions League 18th September 2013

Despite pushing Milan all the way on Wednesday night, Celtic came away with nothing from the San Siro after conceding two late goals.

For most of the game, the Bhoys matched their Serie A counterparts, with both Georgios Samaras and Anthony Stokes going close.

Champions League: Chelsea 1-2 Basel – Mourinho Left With Egg On His Face At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-2 FC Basel Champions League 18th September 2013

Jose Mourinho's "good eggs" failed to deliver at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night, going down 2-1 to FC Basel in a shock defeat in west London. The result comes exactly six years since Mourinho saw his Chelsea side draw 0-0 with Rosenborg on home soil, a result that saw the Portuguese coach part company with the Blues.

Champions League: Marseille 1-2 Arsenal – Walcott & Ramsey Keep Arsenal On Track In France (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Marseille 1-2 Arsenal Champions League 18th September 2013

Arsenal made it a superb 10 away wins in a row after battling to a 2-1 in Marseille on Wednesday night.

After a tight first-half, the Gunners improved in the second period and were eventually rewarded for their endevor when Theo Walcott volleyed home from inside the box.

‘Don’t Forget Wilfried Zaha!’ – Man Utd Write Letter To All Fans Who Complained About The Club’s Scant Transfer Business

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By Chris Wright

Newly-appointed Manchester United exec Ed Woodward has taken an awful lot of flack recently over the club's relatively scant summer transfer business, with many irked fans contacting the club and demanding an explanation.

Thanks to protocols set out in the club charter, United's communications department are duty-bound to reply to any fan correspondence, including emails sent to the online enquiries box.

Ronaldinho Finally Has Corrective Surgery On His Teeth (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

We've no idea if it's actually true or not but the word on the wire is that, back in his commercial heyday, there were clauses written into Ronaldinho's contracts that prevented him from altering his famously "asymmetrical" smile.

However, now aged 33 and able to conduct his dental situation with a bit more freedom, the Atletico Mineiro playmaker has decided to finally get his wonky Hampsteads sorted at an orthodontic clinic in Brazil at a cost, if the figure in the video is to believed, of around £36,000.

Walsall Forced To Apologise After Hack Attack Sees Official Twitter Account Call Wolves Fans ‘Six-Fingered, Inbred Dingles’

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By Chris Wright

Walsall have been forced to issue a full and frank apology to Wolves and their supporters after their Twitter account appeared to brand them "six-fingered, inbred, dingle bastards" following the derby game between the two sides in League One last night.

The Saddlers pulled off a shock 1-0 win at the Bescot and minutes after the final whistle, the offensive Tweet above was posted on the club's official Twitter account where it remained for several minuted before being deleted.

Meet Suzy Pianista: Half-Naked Brazilian Woman Plays Corinthians’ Club Anthem On Piano Wearing Nowt But A Thong (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've cooked up a lot of tenuous excuses to post half-naked ladies here on Pies before, but this just might be the flimsiest ever.

Here's a Brazilian pianist by the name of Suzy Pianista playing the Corinthians club anthem,Hino do Corinthians (Corinthians Hymn), in a state of almost full undress, with nowt but a tiny black thong and the glow of her iPad for company.

Champions League: Man Utd 4-2 Leverkusen – Rooney Bags Brace As Red Devils Ease To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 4-2 Bayer Leverkusen Champions League 17th September 2013

Not so long ago, Wayne Rooney looked on his way out of Old Trafford, however on Tuesday night, the chunky hitman was the star of the show for Manchester United against Sami Hyypia's Bayer Leverkusen side.

Football GIF: Robin Van Persie Has The Goal At His Mercy…. And Misses From Two Yards

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By Alan Duffy

It happens to the best of them, even a sharp-shooter like Robin Van Persie, who somehow managed to miss from literally two yards on Tuesday night against Bayer Leverkusen. He had managed to score already before making a right mess of this effort, so David Moyes will probably let him off.

Champions League: Galatasaray 1-6 Real Madrid – Ronaldo Hat-trick Guns Down Gala (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Galatasaray 1-6 Real Madrid Champions League 17th September 2013

Fresh from signing his new contract with Real Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo once again showed why is one of the greatest footballers to ever play the game, bagging a majestic hat-trick as Los Merengues strolled to a 6-1 win in Istanbul.

Champions League: Plzen 0-3 Man City – Citizens Stroll To Victory As Kompany Returns To Action (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Viktoria Plzen 0-3 Manchester City Champions League 17th September 2013

Man City got their 2013/14 Champions League campaign off to the perfect start in the Czech Republic on Tuesday night, strolling to victory over Viktoria Plzen.

All the goals came after the break, with Edin Dzeko opening the scoring before Yaya Touré's superb curler and Sergio Aguero's clever finish.

Football GIF: Yaya Touré Fires In A Bendy Beauty For Man City Against Viktoria Plzen

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By Alan Duffy

Arguably the best in his position in world football, Man City's Yaya Touré has started the season superbly and against Viktoria Plzen on Tuesday night, the Ivorian scored a superb bendy goal. Enjoy...

GIF: 101gg

Red Bull Leipzig Pull Off Most Aggressive Kick-Off Routine Ever vs VfB Stuttgart II (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Red Bull Leipzig beat VfB Stuttgart's second string 'II' side comfortably in the 3. Liga (Germany's third tier) on Saturday afternoon after giving themselves a flying start (Red Bull gives you wings after all), getting the game underway with most attacking kick-off routine you're ever likely to see and seeing it all pay off when Daniel Frahn nodded them ahead with just 10 seconds on the clock.

Brazilian Team ‘Assisted’ By Sneaky Masseur Ejected From League As Punishment

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By Chris Wright

Remember Aparecidense:the Brazilian side whose masseur snook snuck snooked sneaked onto the pitch to deny a certain goal at the end of the second leg of their promotion play-off against Tupi a week or so ago?

Well, theSuperior Court of Sports Justice (SCSJ) have delivered their verdict and the club have been unceremoniously thrown out of the Brazilian Serie D and thus will not be allowed to compete in the State Championships for, as the SCSJ so tactfully put it,"acting in a manner contrary to sporting ethics".

Pitch Invading Taken To New Heights As Wayward Parachutist Interrupts Football Conference Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Conference game between Salisbury City and Chester on Saturday afternoon had to be temporarily stopped just minutes before the final whistle when a pitch invader interrupted proceedings.

Not that this was your average pitch invader, mind you. Oh no.

Classic Moments: Chris Nicholl Scores All Four Goals In Aston Villa’s 2-2 Draw With Leicester City, 1976

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By Chris Wright

Watching Jonjo Shelvey's influential virtuososhiftagainst Liverpool last night brought but one name to mind: that of former Aston Villa centre-back Chris Nicholl.

Nicholl was an accomplished defender in his day andpart of the Villa side that won the League Cup twice in the mid-1970s, though the footballing community at large unfortunately tends to connect him name with one less-than-glorious feat in particular.

This Is Gary Neville’s Face After Jamie Carragher Claimed Steven Gerrard Was Better Than Paul Scholes On Monday Night Football… (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Sky Sports' Monday Night Football is quickly becoming a "must watch" this season thanks to the resident punditry duo of Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher, though not for their insightful wibbling or their analytic wobbling, but rather the fact that you as the viewer have ringside seats as two elementally and fundamentally adverse human beings spend an hour before kick-off taking thinly-veiled digs at each other.

FC Groningen Player Faints Immediately After Being Shown Red Card For Headbutting Opponent’s Knee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seconds after using his face to viciously hack down Heerenveen winger Luciano Slagveer (now there's a name you can set your watch by!) in the 11th minute, Groningen defender Timo Letschert was shown a red card for his troubles.

Safe to say he took it quite badly, as the Dutch centre-half then fainted on the spot and had to be stretchered off the pitch.

Danny ‘The Rock’ Higginbotham In Talks To Make International Debut For Gibraltar Aged 34

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By Chris Wright

Having recently become sworn in as UEFA's 54th member nation back in May, Gibraltar are currently in the process of rounding up eligible players with one eye on a tilt at qualifying for Euro 2016. Their dragnet search has finally reached the English Football Conference.

Swansea 2-2 Liverpool – The Shelvey Show Sees Liverpool Draw With Swans At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 2-2 Liverpool Premier League 16th September 2013

Jonjo Shelvey was both the hero and the villain for Swansea in this dramatic 2-2 draw at the Liberty.

The dome-headed former Red netted after just two minutes before inadvertently setting up Daniel Sturridge just two minutes later, with the inform striker duly bagging his forth goal in four games.

Napoli Crowd Release Immense Roar After Witnessing Gonzalo Higuain Score First Goal At Stadio San Paolo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's a bit of brilliant candid footage of Napoli's stadium announcer, a chap by the name of "Decibel Bellini", living up to his name and roaring the crowd on after Gonzalo Higuain's first goal at the Stadio San Paolo after the Argentinian striker opened the scoring against Atalanta on Saturday evening.

Former Referee Mark Halsey Admits To Being On Chummy Texting Terms With Sir Alex Ferguson

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By Chris Wright

Having retired at the end of last season, former Premier League referee Mark Halsey has deemed to time to be right to go public and reveal that he was on texting terms with former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

The revelations come in Halsey's new book, "Added Time" (word cannot express how little we want to read that!

Kaka Injured On Milan Debut, Out For Weeks, Refuses To Accept Salary Until He’s Fit Again (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have seen, Kaka lasted for about an hour of his second Milan debut against Torino at the weekend before going off with a thigh injury. Initial reports suggested that he's only be nursing the strain for a matter of days, thoughGazzetta dello Sport have since confirmed that Milan's prodigal son will be sidelined for at least a month with a tear in his left thigh muscle.

Sevilla Fans Start Campaign To Tie Down On-Loan Marko Marin By Finding Him A Spanish Wife

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By Chris Wright

According to Bild, a group of enterprising Sevilla fans have started a campaign to shack Marko Marin up with a Spanish wife over the course of the next eight months in the hope that it will convince the jinky German winger to make his loan move from Chelsea permanent.

‘Our Relationship Goes Deeper Than Friendship’ – Eric Abidal Reveals Dani Alves Offered To Donate His Liver To Him

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By Chris Wright

When Eric Abidal left Barcelona for Monaco in the summer, Dani Alves switched from his long-held no.2 shirt number and took up the French defender's old no.22 squad number as a mark of respect to the man who made a miraculous return to professional football after first being diagnosed with liver cancer and then undergoing a life-saving liver transplant within the space of two years.

All Players In England And Scotland To (Hopefully) Wear Rainbow Boot Laces Next Weekend In Support Of Anti-Homophobia Campaign

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By Chris Wright

In much the same way that the Premier League was awash with red boot laces a few years ago as players demonstrated their support for the (RED) Aids charity, next weekend the entire English and Scottish league will hopefully be dashed with colour as players pledge support for the "Right Behind Gay Footballers" (RBGF) campaign.

Nike Boots Change Colour For Winter – Tiempo, CTR360, Mercurial And Hypervenom Receive ‘Hi Vis’ Makeovers (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and Nike's boot line is getting a "hi-vis" colourway to ensure players are able to "stand out in all conditions". In other words, the Tiempo, the CTR360, the Mercurial and the new Hypervenom are all going neon green for the cold snap.

Brondby Secure First Win Of The Season, Female Fan Celebrates By Whipping Her Breasts Out (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Danish side Brondby racked up their first win of the 2013/14 Superliga campaign at the eighth time of asking on Sunday evening with a 2-1 victory over OB and it all proved too much for one female fan, who was suddenly struck by the compulsion to rid herself of her clothes at the final whistle right as the TV cameras panned past her.

Algerian ‘Striker’ Ali Sami Yachir Provides This Weekend’s Wretchedly Hilarious Open Goal Horror Miss (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's MC Alger strikerAli Sami Yachir well and truly failing to live up to his job description during Saturday's Algerian Ligue 1 match against CR Belouizdad...

FAIL to the power of FAIL multiplied by the square root of FAIL.

Southampton 0-0 West Ham – Jasskelainen The Star As Hammers Stand Firm At St. Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 0-0 West Ham United Premier League 15th September 2013

Jussi Jaaskelainen was the star of the show for West Ham on Sunday afternoon with the Finnish 'keeper keeping the Hammers in a game which was dominated by the Saints.

Dani Osvaldo, Morgan Schneiderlin and Rickie Lambert all went close while West Ham struggled to create much at all.

Football GIF: Ashley Young Fills The Gap Left By Gareth Bale, Dives (Yet Again) Against Crystal Palace

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By Alan Duffy

Fair play to Man Utd boss David Moyes, who said that Ashley Young deserved a booking after this horrendous dive at Old Trafford on Saturday. Young is a serial diving offender but hopefully Moyes can knock some sense into the winger. At least Young is filling the gap left by Gareth Bale and, indeed, Luis Suarez.

Aston Villa 1-2 Newcastle – Hotshot Hatem Gets At ‘Em At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-2 Newcastle United Premier League 14th September 2013

On his day, Hatem Ben Arfa is one of the brightest lights in Premier League football, and on Saturday against Aston Villa, it was indeed his day once again.

The French winger scored one and then set up another, when his shot was parried into the path of Yoan Gouffran who duly netted, in a match-winning performance for Alain Du Pardew's French Magpies.

Fulham 1-1 West Brom – Baggies Finally Score As McAuley Rescues Point At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 14th September 2013

West Brom's start-of-season goal-drought finally came to an end on Saturday, courtesy of defender Gareth McAuley's late equaliser.

The Northern Ireland international headed home in injury time to cancel out Steve Sidwell's first-half effort in a game which Fulham really should have won.

Hull 1-1 Cardiff – Bluebirds Bag First Away Point At the KC Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 1-1 Cardiff City Premier League 14th September 2013

I've always though that Peter Whittingham was a Premier League quality player and this season, the left-sided player is back where he belongs. On Saturday, the former Aston Villa-man volleyed home to give Cardiff a share of the points at the KC Stadium.

Sunderland 1-3 Arsenal – Özil On Song But Ramsey Steals Show In Dramatic Clash In The North East (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-3 Arsenal Premier League 14th September 2013

Mezut Özilenjoyed a superb debut for Arsenal on Saturday, superbly setting up Olivier Giroud for Arsenal's first in a 3-1 win. However, it was Özil's team-mate Arron Ramsey who would steal the show, courtesy of a match-winning second-half brace.

Everton 1-0 Chelsea – Naismith On Target As Blunt Blues Fail To Fire (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-0 Chelsea Premier League 14th September 2013

Despite creating a decent amount of chances, particularly in the first-half, Jose Mourinho's Chelsea couldn't find that all-important cutting-edge at Goodison Park, as the home side secure their first win of the new campaign.

Stoke 0-0 Man City – Potters Push Sleepy Citizens All The Way At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-0 Manchester City Premier League 14th September 2013

Former Man City boss Mark Hughes almost steered his Stoke side to a deserved win against the Citizens on Saturday, after Manuel Pellegrini's side failed to click at the Britannia Stadium.

Tottenham 2-0 Norwich – Gylfi Gets His Groove On At The Lane, Bags Tidy Brace Against Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Norwich City Premier League 14th September 2013

The summer influx of A-grade talent to Tottenham has apparently given some of the Lilywhites' resident squad a bit of a kick up the bottom, with midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson netting both goals in his side's victory stroll on Saturday.

Man Utd 2-0 Crystal Palace – Penalty Palavar As Red Devils Down Eagles At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace Premier League 14th September 2013

A Robin Van Persie penalty kick and a Wayne Rooney free-kick secured a 2-0 home win for United in Saturday's early game but the win was tinged with controversy.

Ashley Young had already seen yellow for diving when, just before the break, he went down under challenge from Crystal Palace'sKagisho Dikgacoi on the edge of the box.

Snapshot: Obafemi Martins Breaks The Space/Time Continuum…

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By Chris Wright

After scoring almost straight from kick-off in Seattle Sounders' 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake yesterday, Obafemi Martins celebrated so hard the universe momentarily went inside-out...

That's just begging for the photoshop treatment!

(Photo:AP/Ted S.

Football GIF: Gareth Bale Scores Tap-In On Real Madrid Debut vs Villarreal

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By Chris Wright

After looking decidedly nervous for the first 38 minutes of the game, Gareth Bale has finally finally! opened his Real Madrid account with a tap-in to cancel out Cani's 21st-minute opener at El Madrigal...

That should relax him a bit.At time of writing, the score is 1-1 at half-time.

Edinson Cavani Promises To Give Shirt To Disabled PSG Fan Before Kick-Off, Duly Delivers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Edinson Cavani has made a decent enough start to his PSG career with a couple of goals to his name so far but his simple gesture after last night's Ligue 1 tie against Bordeaux is likely to warm more fans to him than a smattering of goals ever could.

Roughly an hour before the game, Cavani promised to hand over his shirt to a disabled fan behind the dugout and, after the final whistle, the Uruguayan striker duly lived up to his word.

Sampdoria Catch Genoa’s Goalkeeping Coach ‘Dressed Like Rambo’ And Spying On Their Training Sessions

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By Chris Wright

De Pra: caught with his hands in the jam

A truly wonderful story is emanating from Italy this morning, after Sampdoria claimed that the club apprehended a Genoa spy ahead of tomorrow evening's Derby della Lanterna clash between the two sides.

Sandro Acts The Giddy Goose At Tottenham Photoshoot, Gets Wheeled Around In Laundry Basket (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With all the summer's comings and goings finally done and dusted, yesterday was official team photo day at Tottenham and one man took that as a green light to clamber into a laundry basket and have his colleagues wheel him around.

Spurs TV filmed the shenanigans and then let fans try to decide which squad member it was that was acting the giddy goose asking the immortal question.

Steady On Chaps: Cristiano Ronaldo Nobbles Gareth Bale During First Real Madrid Training Session With Overcooked Tackle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Cristiano Ronaldo helping Gareth Bale ease into his first Real Madrid training session by nobbling him with an ever-so-slightly over-aggressive challenge during EL RONDO DE LA MUERTE....

Welcome to Real Madrid, bitch.

(Image via @GeniusFootball)

Friday Football Sticker Flashback, Special 50th Edition: The Half-Century ‘Horror Hair’ Hall Of Shame!

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By Chris Wright

As the Friday Football Sticker Flashback reaches it's half-century, we thought it high time to look back on the very best (or worst, depending on your vantage point) of the horrific hair that has graced/disgraced (again, delete where you see fit!) the Flashback since it began way back on Sep 7th, 2012.

Norwegian Rapper Produces Superb Ode To Gary Speed And Leeds United (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Usually football songs on the old internet are a bit ropey at best, but this is an utterly superb, polished and professional effort.

Lars Vaular is a rapper from Norway who has a bit of success in his home country. A serious Leeds fan, the 28-year-old has produced this excellent ode to Gary Speed which also dissects some of the club's highs and lows from the last 20 years, including the arrival of centre-half Lucas Radebe, the financial meltdown and the infamous Lee Bowyer and Jonathan Woodgate race attack trial.

Take The Tube From Bergkamp To Bale: PA Boffins Release Superb London Underground Football Map

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By Alan Duffy

The Press Association's very own Matchstory data geeks have come up with quite a fab new version of the iconic London Underground map, with tube stations replaced by footballers, managers associated with the capital's rich footballing heritage.

Each London club has been designated a tube line as follows:

Arsenal Jubilee (grey), Chelsea Metropolitan (maroon),Tottenham Piccadily (blue),Fulham Bakerloo (brown), West Ham Northern (black),Crystal Palace Hammersmith & City (pink),QPR Circle (yellow),Charlton Central (red),Millwall Victoria (light blue),Leyton Orient Waterlook & City (turquoise),Brenftord District (green)

The really clever bit about all this is the way that players who played for two clubs are given stations which intersect both lines, such asGlenn Hoddle who takes Ickenham station which connects Chelsea and Tottenham and Tottenham Court Road which is renamed Paolo Di Canio and connects West Ham and Charlton lines.

Swiss Club FC Luzern Want To Hire ‘Sexy Dancers’ To Help Get Fans’ Peckers Up Before Kick-Off

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By Chris Wright

The68-year-old owner of Swiss club FC Luzern, Bernard Alpstaeg, has come up with an ingenious ploy to pull the crowds in at theSwissporarena: hire "sexy dancers" to perform before each and every home game.

Brilliant! How could it possibly fail? Who cares if it alienates vast swathes of your supporters!

This Is What It Looked Like When Afghanistan’s National Team Won Their First Ever Trophy (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Having hosted Afghanistan's first international game for ten years at the tail-end of last month (a friendly against Pakistan), the Olympic Stadium in Kabul was once again full to the brim yesterday afternoon as thousands of ecstatic fans swarmed in and around the ground to welcome back their national side, who were returning from Nepal having notched up a shock 2-0 win over defending champions India in the final of theSouth Asia Football Federation Cup to win their first ever international football tournament.

New Tottenham Signing Vlad Chiriches Teaches You How To Pronounce His Surname Correctly… (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

We wouldn't have thought it was the toughest surname to work out (he's hardly in Sinthaweechai Hathairattanakool's league), but still new Tottenham defender Vlad Chiriches has been press-ganged by the club into releasing an audio guide to demonstrate the correct pronunciation of his name.

Cardiff City Go Out Of Their Way To Make Traveling Supporters Feel At Home With Amazing New ‘Away Fan Pack’

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By Chris Wright

Hats off to Cardiff City, who are going out of their way this season in a bid to make away fans visiting the Cardiff City Stadium feel as "at home" as possible with what the Welsh club are calling their "Away Fan Pack".

According to the Premier League's official website, in a bid to welcome traveling supporters and thus entice more of them come matchday, Cardiff's hospitality pack includes away fans being greeted by a"matchday assistant" on arrival, who gives them all the information they need to get to their seats/toilets/beers, etc.

Tottenham Midfield Enforcer Sandro Plays Guitar And Sings Lovely Little Song (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after being enraptured by the snippets of Sandro's six string-slinging/strumming chops posted on Instagram by the man himself over the past few weeks, the bods at BT Sport trap the Tottenham midfielder in his front room and force him to sing for their maniacal pleasure.

Andriy Shevchenko Set To Make Professional Golf Debut At Kharkov Superior Cup

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By Chris Wright

Last we heard he was on the verge of moving into the murky world of Ukrainian politics, but it seems that Andriy Shevchenko has opted for an equally unusual post-football career with the news that he is about to make his professional golf debut at theKharkov Superior Cup in his homeland.

Tutorial: FIFA 14′s New Goal Celebrations And How To Do Them… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One of the new features in FIFA 14 is that, after thrashing in a sublime three-yard toe poke, you can then dictate how your goalscorer celebrates his masterpiece using a flick of the thumb-stick and a few simple button commands.

Say Gareth Bale sticks one away on his Real Madrid debut for you, you can then have him celebrate it authentically by flicking and then holding the right stick until he does flashes his "love heart" at the Bernabeu crowd.

‘He’s Not A Man Of Honour’ – Mesut Ozil’s Father Threatens Florentino Perez With Legal Action Over ‘Unprofessional’ Parting Shot

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By Chris Wright

Mesut Ozil's father has threatened Real Madrid with legal action as the ugly fallout of his son's deadline day move to Arsenal continues to stink up the place.

In case you missed it last week, Madrid president Florentino Perez was quoted as saying that Ozil was allowed to leave the club ashe "wasn't a good professional and was obsessed with women and nightlife" and that he developed an unhealthy obsession, or "mad passion" as El Mundo Deportivo put it, with Colombian supermodel Aida Yespica and sweet Jesus, we can see how that could be an issue- that distracted him from his professional duties.

‘She Just Plays For Two Hours Then Comes Home’ – Michael Owen Jokes About Daughter’s School Day, Fails To See Irony

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By Alan Duffy

Poor old Michael Owen may have the money, the horses and the erm, money, but he does come across as a bit of an Alan Partridge. His latest Twitter own-goal came today when he joked about his daughter's short school day, saying:

"Tears from my 3 year-old on her second day at school.

Northallerton FC Press Officer Apologises For Match Report That Suggested Opponents Willington AFC Were ‘Inbred’ And ‘Mental’

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By Chris Wright

Northallerton Town's club press officer has issued an official apology after using his match report of Saturday's4-3 extra-time defeat against Willington AFC in the FA Vase cup to suggest that his side's opponents were both 'inbred' and 'mental'.

Press officer Ricky Butler published his report on theNorthern League Division Two club'sofficial blog under the title "Willington: The land that time forgot" and went on to liken Willington's players to the deformed mutant family in horror film "The Hills Have Eyes", also calling them "neanderthals" at one point.

Beckham Signs For Arsenal On One-Year Contract

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By Chris Wright

That's right! Arsenal have signed David Beckham's son Romeo on a one-year youth contract.

According to ITV Football, the 10-year-old, who is known to be a big Arsenal fan (he's been pictured charging around in an Oxlade-Chamberlain shirtduring a kickabout with his old man before)has joined the Arsenal youth academy on a development contract.

‘He Did Everything Except Play Football’ – Roberto Carlos Warns Chelsea That Samuel Eto’o Was ‘Damaging’ Presence At Anzhi

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By Chris Wright

"You're great and imma let you finish..."

It's fairly common knowledge in footballing circles that Samuel Eto'o is a bit of a self-centred dick with a long history of falling out with anybody and everybody who has refused to hold him in as high stead as he holds himself, though it's fairly rare that his former colleagues have openly warned against his toxic ego.

Paolo Di Canio Booed To High Heaven At Steve Harper’s Newcastle Testimonial, Scores In Penalty Shootout (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas Steve Harper's glittering 20-year testimonial last night, with a team chock-full of N'cassle legends (Shearer, Ferdinand, Ginola, Peacock) taking on AC Milan's Glorie boys (Maldini, Baresi, Boban, Vieri) in front of 50,000-odd fans at St James' Park.

Disappointingly, the game finished 0-0 (gone are the days when testimonials were a bit of fun, it seems) with Milan winning 2-1 in the penalty shootout with Steve Harper missing his kick for the Toon.

Snapshot: First Day At The New Office For Arsenal’s £42million Man Mesut Özil

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By Alan Duffy

After coming through the international break unscathed, Arenal's £42million man MesutÖzil finally got his Arsenal career off the ground with a first visit to the Gunners' training ground in Hertfordshire.

There to meet the former Real Madrid star was crocked England man Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (above) and crocked German attacker Lukas Podolski (below).

Retro Football: ITV Commentator Hugh Johns Drops Classic Clanger While Commending Scotland Midfielder Asa Hartford’s Workrate, 1978 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming during Scotland's infamous 3-1 loss against Peru at the 1978 Argentinian World Cup (i.e, the comically ill-fated "Ally's Army" World Cup), ITV commentator Hugh Johns uttered one of those wonderful swatches of babble that are just so innocently insensitive/nonsensically awful that they're immediately archived in the minds of football folklorists forever more.

Football Art: Lionel Messi’s Fancy Footwork Captured In Brilliant Flipbook Animation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

From the man that brought us the rather snazzy Ronaldinho animated flipbook a while ago comes the long long-awaited Lionel Messi-flavoured version and it's similarly impressive and charming stuff...

(Video: Etoilec1/Youtube)

Competition: WIN! Copy Of FIFA 14 Ultimate Edition On Xbox 360, PS3 Or PC

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By Chris Wright

By the look on Leo's face it should be obvious that it's competition time again here on Pies, and this time we've got a copy of FIFA 14 Ultimate Edition to give away.

The game itself is released in the UK on 27th September, though if you'd like to get a sneaky peak at EA Sports' latest footballing wares then the official FIFA 14 demo is available to download right now for Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and/or PC.

Mario Balotelli Missed Meeting With Italy’s Immigration Minister To Discuss Racism Because He ‘Preferred To Sleep’

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By Chris Wright

Zzzzzzz

Given that he's involuntarily become the poster boy of Italian football's struggle against racism, Mario Balotelli was penciled in to meet with the country'sMinister for Integration, Cecile Kyenge, earlier this week to discuss the state of the nation and their little prejudice problem.

Giovanni Trapattoni Leaves Republic Of Ireland Job By Mutual Consent

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By Chris Wright

Not that it comes as much of a surprise given the rumblings and general dissonance that have been emanating from the Irish camp of late, but this morning the FAI have announced that Giovanni Trapattoni has left his role as manager of the Republic of Ireland manager.

Armenia’s Quick Corner Routine Needs Work (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There's no real way of knowing how long Armenia's set-piece specialist Aras Ozbiliz spent honing his quick corner technique, but we'd suggest that he goes back and tweaks it slightly before attempting it again as it comes over as being a bit "new born foal struggling on a frozen lake" at the moment.

Robin Van Persie Nets Curling Cracker Against Andorra (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Man Utd hitman Robin Van Persie netted a brace in the Netherlands' 2-0 win away in Andorra, a routine win which sees the Oranje qualify for Brazil.

Van Persie's first goal was particularly fine. Enjoy...

Video: 101gg

World Cup: Luxembourg 3-2 Northern Ireland – Minnows Give Sorry Irish A Kick In The Beneleux (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Luxembourg 3-2 Northern Ireland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 10th September 2013

Northern Ireland not long after giving the great Portugal a bit of a scare, suffered an embarrassing defeat at the hands of the rather less might Luxembourg on Tuesday night.

World Cup: Austria 1-0 Ireland – Alaba Shoots Down Boys In Green In Vienna (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Austria 1-0 Republic Of Ireland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 10th September 2013

Bayern Munich's mdifielder/defender David Alaba was the star of the show for Austria on Tuesday night, producing an impressive display in the centre of the park which he topped off with the only goal of the game.

World Cup: Wales 0-3 Serbia – Bale Back In Action But Serbs Still Stroll To Victory In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wales Serbia 0-3 2014 World Cup Qualifying 10th September 2013

The ubiquitous Gareth Bale finally got back to action on Tuesday evening, courtesy of second-half sub appearance against Serbia. However, even the most expensive player in the world couldn't help the home side go down to a 3-0 defeat.

World Cup: Macedonia 1-2 Scotland – Strachan’s Scots Impress In Skopje (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Macedonia 1-2 Scotland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 10th September 2013

A superb late free-kick from Shaun Maloney secured a deserved victory for Scotland in Macedonia, a result which will have given the Tartan Army hope for the future.

Ikechi Anya, making his first start for the Scots, opened the scoring on the hour-mark beforeJovan Kostovski leveled the scores with just seven minutes of normal time to play after the home side had started to turn the screw.

World Cup: Ukraine 0-0 England – Three Lions On Course For Brazil Despite Damp Squib In Kiev (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Ukraine 0-0 England 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 10th September 2013

England stay top of Group H after playing out a pretty awful goalless draw in Kiev.

In a game of few chances, it was the hosts who closest to breaking the deadlock after the break, withArtem Fedetskiy missing a great chance late on.

Shit Football Ink: Alberto Gilardino Has Tattoo Of Peppa Pig On His Arm

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By Chris Wright

Alberto Gilardino has a tattoo of Peppa Pig on his bicep. Apparently the Genoa striker had it done at the insistence of his three young daughters...

We think this might be brilliant, yet we can't quite seem to convince ourselves that it isn't completely lame either.

16 Photos Of The Young Frank Lampard: England’s Latest Centurion

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By Chris Wright

As you're probably well aware by now, Frank Lampard, now 35, is on the very cusp of becoming England's latest centurion as and when he picks up his 1ooth cap against Ukraine in Kiev tonight, joiningPeter Shilton (125 caps),David Beckham (115),Bobby Moore (108),Bobby Charlton (106), Billy Wright (105),Ashley Cole (104) andSteven Gerrard (104) in the Hundred Club.

England Train At Kiev’s Olympic Stadium Ahead Of Crucial Ukraine Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Nothing more, nothing less: just a few shots of England limbering up at Kiev's impressive Olympic Stadium (you gotta love those seats!) last night ahead of their do-or-don't-qualify World Cup qualifier against Ukraine there tonight...

(Photos: PA)

Football GIF: Chinese U20 Side Put On Elite Defensive Masterclass At National Games

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By Chris Wright

Watch and weep with equal amounts of joy and sorrow as Xinjiang's U20 side provide an elite defensive masterclass during their semi-final game against Liaoning at theChinese National Games...

Here it is again in real-time...

The future of Chinese football is indeed in safe hands.

Brazilian Team’s Masseur Sneaks Onto Pitch, Denies Certain Winning Goal With Brilliant Double Save, Bloody Legs It! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We begin the morning's frivolities in the Brazilian Serie D, more specifically Sunday's promotion play-off game between Aparecidense and Tupi.

With the first leg finishing 1-1 and the second leg level at 2-2 with just one minute of normal time to play (meaning thatAparecidense were seconds away from winning on away goals), Tupi broke up the pitch and looked almost certain to pinch it at the death only for the home side's masseur to sneak around the post, into the goalmouth and duly shut down the opposing striker with a sprawling double save!

South Korean Second-Tier Striker Misses The Most Open Of Open Goals (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

This is what 'da kidz' would call an Epic Fail, one imagines. A right stinker of a miss from feck-all yards out from the unfortunate (or just crap) Jo Sung-Joon.

The misfiring attacker was playing for Anyang in their South Korean Second Division clash with the prosaically-named Korean Police FC when he had the goal at his mercy.

Here’s A Little Dog Scoring With A Cheeky Back-Post Header (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Apologies Piecolytes, but the site is going to be a bit on the slow side today as I appear to have come down with the Bubonic squits over night and therefore feel like my guts have been nobbled by a Gabriel Agbonlahor charity special.

As today will mostly be spent sleeping off my sicky poo-poos, I'm going to leave you with this little gem to be getting on with: a wee doggy scoring with a cheeky back-post header.

One Direction threaten to murder Aston Villa’s Gabby Agbonlahor

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ASTON Villa's Gabby Agbonlahor has been the subject of death threats on Twitter following his tackle on One Direction and Doncaster Rovers' Louis Tomlinson at a charity football match for former Villa and Celtic man Stan Petrov, who was diagnosed with leukaemia.

After the forward's challenge, Tomlinson went to the sidelines and threw up.

Chelsea’s Ramires On Target As Brazil Batter Australia 6-0 (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea's midfield dynamo Ramires was among the scorers for the home team in Brasilia at the weekend, as Brazil thumpred Australia 6-0.

Jo, once a major Premier League flop, bagged a brace while Neymar, Alexandre Pato and former Arsenal transfer-target Luis Gustavo also getting in on the act.

Richard Keys – A Modern Day Rosa Parks: Pundit Rails Against Injustice Of 5p Waitrose Plastic Bag Fee On Twitter

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By Alan Duffy

That living, breathing real-life Alan Partridge, Richard 'hanging out the back of her' Keys got himself into another right muddle on Twitter on Saturday.

After Tweeting from Doha that he had "left £50 worth of food on a Waitrose counter after refusing to pay the 5p charge for a plastic bag 'cos he wanted to bring the baskte out to his car, the disgraced ex-Sky Sports anchor, unsurprisingly, received a torrent of abuse on twitter before trying rather pathetically to turn the incident into some sort of one-man stand against the corporate world.

World Cup: Macedonia 2-1 Wales – Brazil Dreams Fade For Welsh After Defeat In Skopje (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Macedonia 2-1 Wales World Cup Qualifiers 6th September 2013

With the ubiguitous Gareth Bale on the bench, Chris Coleman's Wales failed to secure a vital win in Macedonia, going down 2-1 in Skopje as their hopes of making it to Brazil finally ended.

World Cup: Northern Ireland 2-4 Portugal – Ronaldo Shoots Down Nine-Man Irish (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Northern Ireland 2-4 Portugal World Cup Qualifiers 6th September 2013

Poor old Northern Ireland produced a fine battling performance against the thoroughbreds of Portugal, even going 2-1 up just after the second half. However, a second-half hat-trick from none other than Cristiano Ronaldo condemned the Irish to a defeat.

Football GIF: Cristiano Ronaldo Toys With Northern Ireland’s Steven Davis At Windsor Park

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By Alan Duffy

A fine piece of cocky individual skill from Mr Ronaldo this, which includes a sideways nutmegs on Northern Ireland's Steven Davis.

The Irish did give Ronaldo an Co. a scare last night though, until the great man himself bagged a second-half hat-trick, as you do.

Josip Simunic Sent Off For Cynically Smashing Miralem Sulejmani Into Middle Of Next Week (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Given the history between the two nations, Serbia vs Croatia was never going to be a pretty spectacle and sho 'nuff, grizzled centre-back Josip Simunic (he of "three yellow cards" fame) provided a moment of sheer ugly brutality ten minutes from time when he rearrangedMiralem Sulejmani's internal organs with a full-tilt cynical trip to halt a Serbian counter-attack ten minutes from time with the score locked a 1-1.

World Cup: Scotland 0-2 Belgium – Scots Have No Answer To Classy Belgians (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Scotland 0-2 Belgium World Cup Qualifiers 6th September 2013

Scotland stay bottom of Group after going down 2-0 to a classy Belgian side at Hampden Park.

The Belgians, chock-a-block with top tier talent, opened the scoring on 38 minutes courtesy of a fine strike from Steven Defour while Everton's Kevin Mirallas made it 2-0 at the death.

World Cup: England 4-0 Moldova – Welbeck Brace Fires Three Lions To Top Of Group H (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 4-0 Moldova World Cup Qualifiers 6th September 2013

A brace from Manchester United Danny Welbeck, along with goals from Steve Gerrard and Rickie Lambert fired Roy Hodgson's England to a comfortable 4-0 win against Moldova, a result that sees the Three Lions top Group H on goal difference.

Steve Harper’s Testimonial Will See Stellar Newcastle XI Take On AC Milan Side Featuring Paolo Maldini, Franco Baresi & Alessandro Costacurta

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By Chris Wright

Not that he wasn't a fine servant for the club over the years, but the calibre of players turning out for goalkeeper Steve Harper's imminent 20-year testimonial at Newcastle United beggars belief.

Harper's Newcastle are set to turn out against the AC Milan Glorie (i.

Shit Football Ink: 16 Of The Very Crappest Fan Tattoos

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By Chris Wright

In honour of the poor Liverpool fan who tried his darndest to show his love for Kolo Toure via the medium of tattoos only to fall at the final hurdle, here's 16 of the very worst fan body etchings to have ever sullied our consciousness here on Pies.

FK Vozdovac Belgrade Build New Stadium On Roof Of Shopping Centre (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sniffed out over on Twitter by the brilliant Mr @DannyLast and submitted here for your perusal, these be the CGI mock-ups for FK Vozdovac Belgrade's new stadium, which the club have plonked slap, bang on the roof of a shopping centre or "mall" as our Yank brethren may say in the middle of the Serbian capital.

Sweet Feet: Botafogo Winger Hyuri Scores Bamboozling Solo Golazo vs Coritiba (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which 21-year-old wingerHyuri (or "Hyuri Henrique de Oliveira Costa" to give him his full name) scores a cracking solo effort on his full Botafogo debut after leaving several Coritiba defenders nursing severe cases of acute blood twisting on his way in from the right flank.

Horror Hair Legend Carlos Valderrama Dyes Famous Curls Pink For Charity (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

The world is hectic and ever-changing, so it's nice to know there's always a few constants to cling on to in times of confusion and disarray; one of those being Carlos Valderrama's stately and volumous thicket of cascading golden ringlets: the kind of hair men have gone to war over.

Snapshot: Registration Documents Show Real Madrid Could Have Signed Neymar For Just €60,000 In 2006

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By Chris Wright

Spanish newspaper AS have uncovered a document that shows that a 14-year-old Neymar was actually registered with Real Madrid for a short period following a successful trial back at their Castilla academy back in March of 2006 and that the club passed up on signing him to a full contract as they deemed the €60,000 asking price too dear.

Snapshot: Registration Documents Show Real Madrid Could Have Signed Neymar For Just €60,000 In 2006

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By Chris Wright

Spanish newspaper AS have uncovered a document that shows that a 14-year-old Neymar was actually registered with Real Madrid for a short period following a successful trial back at their Castilla academy back in March of 2006 and that the club passed up on signing him to a full contract as they deemed the €60,000 asking price too dear.

Kolo Toure Offers To Change Name To Save Blushes Of Liverpool Fan With Botched Tattoo

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By Chris Wright

You may well remember the plight of 20-year-old Liverpool fan Dominic Pearson, whose rubbish new tattoo went viral earlier in the week when he realised the "tattoo artist" responsible had made a rather significant spelling error.

For reasons unknown, young Dominic wanted to have Kolo Toure's name permanently inked on his foot forever more, but instead came out of the tattoo parlour with "KOLO TOURO" written indelibly about his person.

West Brom’s Saido Berahino Bags Fine Winner For England U21s Against Moldova (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

West Brom striker Saido Berahino netted the only goal of the game in the England U21 side's win against Moldova on Thursday night, and what a decent strike it was.

The goal secured a win for new boss Gareth Southgate in a promising display by the young Lions.

Lassi Hurskainen Returns To Teach The ‘Spanish National Team’ Some Manners…Freestyle Style! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Spain in town to play Finland in the World Cup qualifiers tomorrow, tricksy dicksy freestyle goalie Lassi Hurskainen has rolled out his latest trickshot reel in which he teaches some of the more boisterous members of the Roja squad a few lessons on Finnish manners.

Horror Hair: Seattle Sounders Peroxide Fiend DeAndre Yedlin Strikes Again!

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By Chris Wright

This is how Seattle Sounders' defender DeAndre Yedlin turned out for his side's MLS game against Chivas USA last night. What could these mysterious peroxide hieroglyphs possibly mean?

Terrible. Someone's been watching too much Paul Scharner.

Four Minutes Of Sublime Juan Roman Riquelme Footwork In Slow Motion (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're knee-deep in the post-deadline day/pre-international lull at the moment and things are crawling to a stand-still on the football frontier, so, aptly, we thought we'd help pass a slow day by watching a silken technician at work in beguiling slow motion.

Ronaldinho Wraps His Foot Around Two Perfect Free-Kicks vs Fluminense (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Atletico Mineiro and Fluminense played out at 2-2 draw in the Brazilian Serie A last night, with Ronaldinho scoring both goals for the home side via the medium of the free-kick and a right pair of Bobby Dazzlers they were too.

As it happens, both of Ronny's sublimely-dispatched set pieces were equalisers; the first coming three minutes into first-half injury time.

Venezuela Face World Cup Qualifying Selection Crisis After 20 Members Of 24-Man Squad Struck Down With Explosive Diarrhoea

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By Chris Wright

"Right, hands up who had the fish?"

You often hear managers referring to "good headaches" when it comes to drafting up their teams should they suddenly find themselves with a surplus of talent to pick from.

Well, at the polar opposite end of the spectrum, Venezuela coachCesar Farias is currently faced with what's known in the business as "a massive, great big, throbbing, dirty, utterly debilitating front-brain migraine" of a selection problem ahead of his side's upcoming World Cup qualifier against Chile in Santiago tomorrow.

JPT: Bristol City 2-1 Bristol Rovers – Riot Police Step In As First Bristol Derby In Six Years Ends Amid Ugly Scenes (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Six year's worth of pent-up tension was released at Ashton Gate last night after Bristol City beat Bristol Rovers 2-1 in the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in the first game between the two dear beloved neighbours since February of 2007 (when Rickie Lambert scored the only goal in a 1-0 win for The Gas).

Jose Mourinho Leaves Real Madrid To Join Fulham On One-Year Contract

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By Chris Wright

Fulham have pulled off a significant coup today in announcing that Jose Mourinho has joined the club on a one-year deal having left Real Madrid in the summer.

Yep, you read that correctly! Jose Mario Mourinho, the 14-year-old son of Chelsea manager Jose Snr, came to the end of his contract at Real Madrid's Canillas youth side and, following a successful trial, the young goalkeeper has now joined the Cottagers on a 12-month contract.

First Photos: Arsenal’s New £42million Man Mesut Özil Does First Gunners Photoshoot

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By Alan Duffy

While Arsenal fans were still coming to terms with the fact that Arsene Wenger and co. actually splashed some serious cash during the transfer window, the Gunners' shiny new playmaking superstar Mesut Özilwas doing his first photoshoot for his new team while on international duty in Germany.

Kevin Mirallas Refused To Leave Romelu Lukaku’s Hotel Room Until He Signed For Everton

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By Chris Wright

It's fair to say that the majority of Everton fans are fairly made up at the club's deadline day acquisition of Romelu Lukaku on a season's loan from Chelsea and, as such, they'd do well to show some gratitude to Kevin Mirallas for his part in the deal after he staged a sit-in protest in Lukaku's hotel room on Monday evening, refusing to budge until the striker agreed to join him at Goodison.

Football Ink: Liverpool Fan Gets Misspelt Kolo Touré Tattoo (Photo)

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By Alan Duffy

One has to feel for this poor Liverpool fan after getting a rather prosaic tattoo on his foot of his new Kop idol Kolo Touré, only for the 'tattoo artist' to spell the defender's second name "Touro".

Apparently the unfortunate fan was rather drunk at the time, which probably explains the rather huge spelling error.

Wayne Rooney Provides Proof Of His Fearsome Forehead Gash (Gory Photo – Not For The Faint-Hearted!)

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By Chris Wright

Wayne Rooney has just posted photographic proof of the hideous cut he suffered in training last week on his personal Facebook page in response to the growing number of doubters who seemed to thing the Manchester United man was using it as an excuse to drop out of England's game on Friday.

Shit Lookalikes: Gareth Southgate & Bob Dylan’s New Album

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By Chris Wright

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email us atwaatpies@gmail.comor Tweet it over to us@waatpiesif you be all fancy.

Union Comercio Continue To Be Peru’s Most Slapstick Team, Keeper Arrested For Biting Man’s Ear Off

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By Chris Wright

The name Union Comercio has come up several times in Pies' FAIL section over the past couple of weeks, as Peru's most hapless club continue to serve up piping platters of hickory-smoked LOLZ and generally stinking up the place with their masterful ineptitude byconceding brilliant own-goals left, right and centre, seeing former players forced into making 900km return journeys just to play five seconds of court-ordered football for them and watching on helplessly as their veteran keeper gifts goals to opposing strikers by acting the giddy goat in the penalty area.

Nicklas Bendtner Releases Statement, Claims Arsenal Blocked His Move To Crystal Palace

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By Chris Wright

Stop whatever it is you're doing! Nicklas Bendtner has released a statement. A statement in which he sort of claims that Arsenal blocked his prospective move to Crystal Palace as the club failed to bring in adequate striker reinforcements (i.e, Demba Ba) over the summer.

Pies’ Summer 2013 Transfer Deadline Day Winners And Losers

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By Chris Wright

Now that Sky Sports News have taken the batteries out of Jim White, bubble-wrapped him back up and placed him back in his box for another year, we thought we'd take stock of just what the bloody hell went down on Deadline Dayâ„¢: who came out of it on top and who came out of it looking like massive soddin' chumps.

Kaka Emerges From Restaurant To Greet Ecstatic AC Milan Fans, Given Rapturous Street Serenade (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While the rest of the watching world met Kaka's deadline day move from Real Madrid to AC Milan with a resounding 'meh', it's safe to say that the Rossoneri fans are beside themselves with happiness over the return of their prodigal son.

Indeed, a group of Milan fans tracked Ricky down at a restaurant in the city last night and began serenading him outside on the street until the Brazilian emerged into the doorway to say hello, wave and give out a few sturdy man hugs to his adoring public before swiftly getting swept into the rapturous melee.

D’oh! In 2008, Southampton Cashed In Their 25% Gareth Bale Sell-On Clause For Just £3m

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By Chris Wright

Southampton's top brass had around 20 million fairly good reasons to feel aggrieved when Gareth Bale completed his world record transfer to Real Madrid on Monday morning.

You see, there was a time when the Saints would've been contractually entitled to a quarter of the £85.

Snapshot: Crafty Arsenal Fan Recycles Old Away Shirt Into Özil Replica Using Nothing But Sticky Tape…

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By Chris Wright

Taking a leaf directly out of his manager's book, ingeniuosly thrifty Arsenal fan Gooner John decided that, rather than shell out the best part of £60 on a new personalised "Özil" replica strip, he'd create his own for a fraction of the price using nothing but an old 2003/04 away strip and a roll of black sparky's tape.

Transfer Deadline Day Round-Up: All The Movers And Shakers

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By Chris Wright

Nothing more, nothing less; just a handy compendium of yesterday's main Premier League moves that just about made it through the net before the transfer window closed at 11pm...

Mesut Ozil, Real Madrid to Arsenal, £42.5million

Stephane Sessegnon, Sunderland to West Brom, £6million

Romelu Lukaku, Chelsea to Everton, loan

Victor Anichebe, Everton to West Brom, undisclosed

Marouane Fellaini, Everton to Manchester United, £27.

Ander Herrera’s Man Utd Move Collapsed Because Club Officials Who Turned Up At La Liga Headquarters Were ‘Imposters’

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By Chris Wright

It seemed to take forever, but Manchester United finally got a bit of business done in the transfer window by signing Marouane Fellaini from Everton at 10:59pm yesterday evening (God knows what's going on with the Fabio Coentrao deal), but one player David Moyes did miss out on was Athletic Bilbao's Ander Herrera.

Snapshot: Gareth Bale Is Presented At Real Madrid, Along With The Rest Of His Entire Family!

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid president Flo Perez welcomes Gareth Bale unto the fold, along with the Welshman's entire bloody family!

(Photo:Daniel Ochoa de Olza/AP/Press Association Images)

Gunnerblog’s Excellent ‘Thrift Shop – Arsenal Deadline Day Remix’ Parody Song (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Simply brilliant stuff from Gunnerblogwho, in the vain hope that Arsene Wenger may be about to start popping some tags, have produced this stellar Deadline Dayâ„¢parody cover of Macklemore's "Thrift Shop".

Be warned, the language is a little coarse at times.

Tops Off, Thumbs Up And Cough: 32 Eerily Similar Photos Of Real Madrid Players Undergoing Medicals

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By Chris Wright

As these photos will duly prove in good time, Real Madrid really do have a tried and true template when it comes to giving their new players the once over. Los Blancos really do seem to enjoy the old"topless thumbs-up with sensor pads all over the chest" pose.

#WelcomeBale: Real Madrid Are Broadcasting Live Feed Of Gareth Bale’s Unveiling – Watch It Here If You So Desire… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

25,000+ fans (tickets were free) are said to be swarming into the Bernabeu to watch Gareth Bale's big unveiling at Real Madrid, but you can watch it from the comfort of your own home thanks to the live feed on the club's Youtube channel...

(Via Real Madrid TV)

Horror Hair: Marco Boriello Aims For ‘Clark Gable’ With Creepy Pencil Moustache

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By Chris Wright

Spotted by the diligent chaps over at 101GG, this is how Marco Boriello turned out to sit on the bench for Roma's game against Hellas Verona yesterday...

First Photo Of Gareth Bale Wearing His New Real Madrid Shirt Emerges… (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

(Via @RorySmithTimes)

Liverpool Captain Steven Gerrard Calls Robin Van Persie A ‘F**king Pr*ck’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You barely need be an intermediate-level lip reader to decipher exactly what Liverpool's captain fantastic, Steeeeevie Gerraaaaaard called Manchester United striker Robin van Persie during this little altercation just before half-time during yesterday afternoon's largely dismal derby at Anfield.

Wojciech Szczesny Mocks Tottenham With Piano Serenade After Arsenal’s Derby Victory (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not that either side played well enough to earn the right to gloat, but Arsenal keeper Wojciech Szczesny took to Facebook after his side's narrow 1-0 in the North London Derby yesterday in order to mock Spurs fans with a delightful little, specifically-chosen piano serenade.

Shit Lookalikes: Phillipe Coutinho & An Iced Gem

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By Chris Wright

We realise we may well be alone in a field of one here, but we reckon Phillipe Countinho's new hair makes him look like a certain diabetes-inducingly sweet "fruit flavour iced-topped biscuit"...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.

Pies’ September 2013 Transfer Deadline Day Live(ish) Blog

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By Chris Wright

It's that time of year again! Basically, we'll endeveavour to bring you the tastiest transfer morsels and rubber-stamped done-deals over the course of Deadline Dayâ„¢, right up until the point where we get well and truly bored with it!

Refresh the page to see the latest titbits at the top of the pile.

Official: Gareth Bale Joins Real Madrid For World Record Fee, Signs Six-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright

It's official...

OFICIAL: Gareth Bale es nuevo jugador del Real Madrid. #halamadrid

— Real Madrid C. F. (@realmadrid) September 1, 2013

£85.3million (new world record) fee, six-year deal, £300-a-week.

Nice work if you can get it.

Football GIF: Crystal Palace Boss Ian Holloway Gets Funky As Eagles Beat Sunderland

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By Alan Duffy

A west country James Brown, Ian Holloway shook his moneymaker on the touchline at Selhurst Park on Saturday as he watched his Eagles deservedly win against Sunderland. Sho' is funky!

GIF: 101gg

Arsenal 1-0 Tottenham – Derby Joy For Gunners As Big-Spending Lilywhites Fail To Cash In At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier LEague 1st September 2013

Despite spending exactly £0 in the transfer window so far, Arsene Wenger oversaw a deserved victory against his big-spending rivals.

Olivier Giroud netted early doors, courtesy of a deft finish after a fine team move and while the Lilywhites pushed to get back on level terms, it was the Gunners who had the far better chances in the first half, with a superb display Hugo Lloris keeping hs side in the game.

West Brom 0-2 Swansea – Baggies Bomb Again As Swans Win At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Swansea City Premier League 1st September 2013

Swansea secured a deserved victory at the Hawthorns on Sunday, a result which leaves Steve Clarke's Baggies without a goal or a win this season.

Defender Ben Davies opened the scoring on 22 minutes courtesy of a superb volley before Pablo Hernandez doubled the visitors' advantaged late one.

Liverpool 1-0 Man Utd – Dan’s The Man As Reds Down Moyes’ Men At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-0 Manchester United Premier League 1st September 2013

Daniel Sturridge is currently basking in quite outstanding run of form and at Anfield on Sunday, the England man was once again the goal-hero for Liverpool, netting the only goal of the game to down David Moyes' Manchester United, who were without the injured Wayne Rooney

Sturridge's goal came courtesy of a very clever finish, with the former Chelsea man dipping to head home from close-range.

Crystal Palace 3-1 Sunderland – Eagles Swoop To Victory At Selhurst Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 3-1 Sunderland Premier League 31st August 2013

Crystal Palace secured their first league win of the season courtesy of a fine, energetic and hard-working performance against Sunderland.

With Marouane Chamakh holding up the ball superbly up front, the home side were always a threat and took the lead after just nine minutes when a corner eventually found its way into the Sunderland goal off Danny Gabbidon.

Cardiff 0-0 Everton – Stalemate In Wales As Toffees’ Wait For First Win Continues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Cardiff City 0-0 Everton Premier League 31st August 2013

Despite dominating proceedings in Cardiff, Everton once again failed to register their first win of the new campaign in this often heated clash.

Kevin Mirallas went close while misfiring Nikica Jelavic have a number of chances to put the Toffees ahead although Roberto Martinez was left cursing his luck when what looked like an obvious penalty, when Gary Medel felled Leighton Baines in the box, was waved away by referee Anthony Taylor.

Brazilian Serie B Game Sees John Lennon Score From Michael Jackson’s Cross! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Last night's star-studded Brazilian Serie B game between Atletico GO and Oeste FC saw John Lennon score the fourth in a 4-0 victory, with the assist provided by none other than Michael Jackson...

Stick it in the (glass) onion bag!

If you're wondering what the hell we're going on about, allow us to explain: the goalscorer is actually legally calledJohn Lennon Silva Santos (presumably his parents were big Beatles fans) while the cross was provided by Carlos Adriano de Souza Cruz, who usually goes by his Brazilian nickname, "Michael Jackson".