Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2013

Europa League Draw: Tottenham Stuck With Anzhi, Swansea Get Valencia And Wigan Face Long Trip To Rubin Kazan

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By Chris Wright

The yawning, grotesquely over-inclusive draw (there's a "Group L" for crying out loud!) for the 2013/14 Europa League group stages has finally finished taking place in the Grimaldi Forum in Monaco and the plastic balls of destiny have worked their magic; landing Tottenham in a group with Anzhi, Swansea with Valencia and FA Cup winners Wigan with Russian side Rubin Kazan.

Liverpool Apologise After Official Twitter Account Mocks Munich Disaster With ‘Distasteful And Inappropriate’ Quip

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have issued an apology after a Tweet sent from the club's official Twitter account appeared t0 indulge in a choice bit of #Munichbantz earlier this morning.

After asking their followers to submit a three-song playlist they would like to hear played at Anfield before Sunday's Premier League game against Manchester United, a fan responded thus.

Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #49

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XLIX: Son of The Mask...

This may be two separate people sharing the same face...

More Friday Flashback goodness on Pies...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8
Friday Flashback Volume #9
Friday Flashback Volume #10
Friday Flashback Volume #11
Friday Flashback Volume #12
Friday Flashback Volume #13
Friday Flashback Volume #14
Friday Flashback Volume #15
Friday Flashback Volume #16
Friday Flashback Volume #17
Friday Flashback Volume #18
Friday Flashback Volume #19
Friday Flashback Volume #20 Random 1990s Football Sticker Quiz
Friday Flashback Volume #21
Friday Flashback Volume #22
Friday Flashback Volume #23
Friday Flashback Volume #24 Random 1990s Sticker Quiz, Edition II
Friday Flashback Volume #25
Friday Flashback Volume #26
Friday Flashback Volume #27
Friday Flashback Volume #28 Random 1990s Sticker Quiz, Edition III
Friday Flashback Volume #29
Friday Flashback Volume #30
Friday Flashback Volume #31
Friday Flashback Volume #32 Random 1990s Sticker Quiz Edition IV
Friday Flashback Volume #33
Friday Flashback Volume #34 FA Cup Final Special
Friday Flashback Volume #35 Champions League Final Special
Friday Flashback Volume #36
Friday Flashback Volume #37
Friday Flashback Volume #38
Friday Flashback Volume #39
Friday Flashback Volume #40
Friday Flashback Volume #41
Friday Flashback Volume #42
Friday Flashback Volume #43
Friday Flashback Volume #44
Friday Flashback Volume #45 Match Magazine 'Footie Mad' Stickers Special
Friday Flashback Volume #46
Friday Flashback Volume #47 Random 1990s Sticker Quiz Edition V
Friday Flashback Volume #48 FoilNational Emblems From Spain '82

‘Jose Mourinho & The Special Ones’ Is Jose Mourinho’s New Kid’s Cartoon (And Trading Card Game)

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By Chris Wright

Something called Sports Star Media have launched a"unique, augmented multi-layered brand concept"/children's television programme that will feature one Jose Mourinho as it's central character which sounds like something that should have happened already by now, but nay.

‘If He Gets Fit, I Will Use Him’ – Arsene Wenger Announces Nicklas Bendtner May Stay At Arsenal After All

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By Chris Wright

"You are...Higuain, correct?"

More great news for the Arsenal faithful this morning with Arsene Wenger telling reporters at his press conference that, despite having spent all summer trying to flog Nicklas Bendtner to absolutely anyone who would take him, the Danish striker has been re-added to the Gunners' squad and will be used if he gets himself in shape.

AZ Alkmaar vs Atromitos Abandoned After 59 Minutes Due To Stadium Being A Little Bit On Fire (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Last night's Europa League tie between AZ Alkmaar and Atromitos had to be abandoned after 59 minutes after a column of dark smoke was seen rising from the roof of one of the stands at the Dutch club's AFAS Stadium.

Eurosport are reporting that the "technical fire" (apparently started by a short circuit in the floodlight wiring) first sparked in the roof cavity but soon spread to the upper floors of the stand.

Viktoria Plzen Coach Pavel Vrba, 49, Celebrates Europa League Qualification With Textbook Gymnastics Tumble (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming into the second leg already 3-1 up on aggregate, Viktoria Plzen wafted into the Europa League group stages (where they will face Bayern Munich and Manchester City in Group D) with a 1-0 over Maribor at theStadion Ljudski in Solvenia last night and the Czech side's joyous celebrations after making it through unscathed were just.

‘I’d Rather Sell Peanuts In My Village Than Play For A Pathetic Team Like Chelsea’ – Guess Who?

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By Chris Wright

Time to play a l'il guessing game folks. Which world-reknowned player, speaking back in 2004, spake these rather harsh Chelsea-bashing words...

"I'd rather sell groundnuts (peanuts) in my village than to play for a pathetic team like Chelsea."

Here's your one and only clue.

Europa League: Petrolul Ploiesti 2-1 Swansea (agg 3-6) Swans Glide Through To Next Round Despite Defeat (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Petrolul Ploiesti 2-1 Swansea City (3-6 agg) Europa League Qualifiers 29th August 2013

Starting with a mix of first and reserve team players, Michael Laudrup successfully guided his Swansea side through the tie overall, despite losing 2-1 to Petrolul Ploiesti in Romania.

Europa League: Tottenham 3-0 Tbilisi (agg 8-0) – Defoe Da Man As Lilywhites Cruise Into Group Stages (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-0 Dinamo Tbilisi (8-0 agg) Europa League Qualifiers 29th August 2013

Jermaine Defoe staked a claim for a regular starting berth in the Spurs starting line-up by bagging a brace in the Lilywhites' 3-0 stroll against Dinamo Tbilisi.

Champions League Draw: Arsenal Face Dortmund, Man City Get Bayern Munich, Celtic Handed A Real Stinker

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal have a tough challenge ahead of them in this season's Champions League after drawing Marseille (nice enough), Borussia Dortmund (bloody awful) and Napoli (very tough) in an extremely demanding Group F. Interestingly, the Gunners, Marseille and Dortmund have now been drawn in the same group in two of the last three seasons.

Mathieu Flamini Rejoins Arsenal On Freebie, Signs Three-Year Deal At The Emirates (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Cesc's water carrier is officially an Arsenal player again. The club have confirmed that Mathieu Flamini has rejoined the club on a three-year contract after moseying out of AC Milan at the beginning of summer.

The 29-year-old (yeah, it surprised us too!

Chelsea Complete Signing Of Samuel Eto’o, Joins Blues On One-Year Contract (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As announced on their official website just moments ago, Chelsea have completed the signing of Samuel Eto'o from Anzhi Mikeandthemechanics on a one-year contract.

The 32-year-old Cameroonian striker told the club site:

"I am very happy to be here but also anxious because I want to get playing as soon as possible.

Good Ol’ Fashioned Rant: All That’s Wrong With Barcelona Summed Up In One GIF

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By Chris Wright

It goes without saying that Barcelona are capable of stunning feats of footballing prowess but, when threatened by talented opponents, a reprehensible, deeply-ingrained "hive mind" kicks in and (by and large) every single player on the pitch begins resorting to the most heinous and undignified acts of gamesmanship in order to nullify the game and turn it to mush.

Arsenal Finally Deliver The Good News That All Their Fans Have Been Waiting For…

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By Chris Wright

@Arsenal just Tweeted this little pearl out to their 2.6million followers...

Solid gold timing there chaps! Sheesh, talk about misjudging the room. Seriously, who in the Arsenal social media department decided to issue that today? Are the club as a whole actually that oblivious?

Fans Of Estonian Fourth Division Club Pull Out All The Stops To Welcome Their Side Out Onto Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which fans of Estonian amateur fourth tier sideTartu JK Welco Elekter pull out all the stops to cheer their team out onto the pitch ahead of a game againstParnu FC Metropool with £500′s worth of condensed Pink Floyd concert including flares, flags, firecrackers, a tifo (or sorts) and the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Tottenham Agree Deal To Sign Christian Eriksen From Ajax For Measly £8m

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By Chris Wright

If Ajax coach Frank De Boer is to be believed (and why on Earth would you doubt him?), Tottenham agreed a deal to sign prodigiously talent young Danish forward Christian Eriksen, reportedly for the low, low price of just€10million.

Speaking to Dutch newspaper De Telegraaph, De Boer said:"His departure is a huge loss, because Christian is terribly important.

Mario Balotelli Thinks Comparisons Between Him And Zlatan Ibrahimovic Are Good…For Zlatan!

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By Chris Wright

Clap your hands if you just got Mario-ed

Mario Balotelli scored as Milan ousted PSV from the Champions League last night with a 3-0 win on the night (4-1 on aggregate) to secure a place in the group stages for the 11th time in 12 years, though it was his his performance in the mixed media zone after the game that stole the show delivering a truly withering Marioism when pressed about the similarities between himself and a certain other egomonster striker.

Daniel Sturridge Dances With Liverpool Fan Outside Anfield After Capital One Cup Victory (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What a lucky chap young Liverpool fanJordan Macavoy is.

After Liverpool's 4-2 League Cup win against Notts County on Tuesday night, Macavoy and his mates spotted Reds' goal-hero Daniel Sturridge leaving the ground in his swanky sports car.

The young rascal managed to get Sturridge to stop before showing the England hitman his own Sturridge-inspired dance moves.

Man Utd To Face Liverpool At Old Trafford In Capital One Cup Third Round

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By Alan Duffy

A clash of those two old rival Liverpool and Man Utd at Old Trafford is the pick of the ties from Wednesday night's Capital One Cup 3rd Round Draw.

The draw sees three other all top-tier clashes, with West Ham playing Premier League new-boys Cardiff, Arsenal travelling to the Hawthorns to face West Brom, Aston Villa playing host to big-spending Spurs and Fulham meeting Everton at Craven Cottage.

Champions League: Celtic 3-0 Shakhter Karagandy (agg 3-2) – Bhoys Bound For Group Stages After Perfect Parkhead Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 3-0 Shakhter Karagandy Champions League Qualifiers 28th August 2013

Celtic produced a superb home performance to turn around a two-goal margin against Shakhter Karagandy and fire their way into the Champions League proper.

Fired up by the Hoops' faithful, the home side took the lead on the stroke of half-time, courtesy of a superb long-range strike from Kris Commons.

Willian Completes £32m Chelsea Move, Signs Five-Year Deal At The Bridge (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea have confirmed that, following a successful work permit appeal, Willian has joined the club from Anzhi Mikhailgorbachev for the princely sum of £32million, with the 25-year-old Brazilian attacker signing a five-year deal at Stamford Bridge.

The transfer of Willian to Chelsea has been completed: http://t.

Snapshot: Gonzalo Higuain Christmas Nativity Figurines With ‘Facial Injury’ Already On Sale In Naples…

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By Chris Wright

Christmas is a mere 118 days away so it makes perfect sense that the nativity figurine producers of Naples have already rushed out their "Gonzalo Higuain: Facial Wound Edition" model to coincide with the striker duffing up his own face by falling off a yacht earlier in the week.

‘It’s Not Correct Behaviour’ – AVB Admits Tottenham May Fine Gareth Bale For Ditching Training (And That Real Madrid Move Will Go Through ‘Very, Very Soon’)

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By Chris Wright

"Go to your room, you're grounded..."

As you're no doubt aware, Gareth Bale has been playing truant this week after returning from a weekend in Marbella, failing to turn up to training for two consecutive days despite Tottenham expecting him to return to the club on Tuesday morning.

Non-League Goalkeeper Helps Save Life Of Collapsed Fan Just Minutes After Being Sent-Off For Dangerous Play

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By Chris Wright

"The Walks", home of King's Lynn Town FC

The goalkeeper for non-league side Stocksbridge Park Steels had an eventful time of it during Saturday'sNorthern Premier League match away to King's Lynn Town, what with finding himself both sent-off and partly responsible for saving a man's life.

Sky Sports News Presenter Charlotte Jackson Announces Engagement To Wales Manager Chris Coleman

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By WAG Watcher

We had no idea they were a couple but congratulations are due to Sky Sports News presenter Charlotte Jackson and Wales manager Chris Coleman today after the pair announced their engagement on Twitter after apparently dating for over a year...

Been made a very happy girl & taken off the shelf!

Legia Warsaw Fans React To UEFA Sanctions With Massive Pyrotechnic Eruption (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Earlier in the month, Polish champions Legia Warsaw were ordered by UEFA to pay a fine of€30,000 and close the north stand of their Stadion Wojska Polskiego (i.e, the terrace where the Ultras congregate) for the home leg of their Champions League play-off against Steaua Bucharestafter the club's fans were found guilty of "racist behaviour" during clashes with The New Saints supporters in the previous round.

League Cup Cock-Up: Yeovil Allow Birmingham To Walk In Unopposed Goal Over Poor Sportsmanship Then Go Out On Penalties

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By Chris Wright

Things got a bit dicey atHuish Park last night as Birmingham City put home side Yeovil out of the Carling Cup via a penalty shoot-out, though not before they were allowed to walk in an unopposed goal in extra-time to make up for a particularly unsporting goal Yeovil scored in normal time.

Football GIF: Fulham’s Bryan Ruiz Gets Ridiculously Lucky With His Penalty vs Burton Albion

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By Chris Wright

Fulham squeaked past Burton Albion to reach the third round of the Capital One Cup at the Pirelli Stadium last night, but the Premier League side needed penalties to do it after the game finished 2-2 after 120 minutes not that the Cottagers were ever going to lose with this kind of ridiculous luck on their side.

Champions League: Arsenal 2-0 Fenerbahce (5-0 agg) – Rampant Ramsey Bags Brace As Gunners Stroll Into Group Stages (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 Fenerbahce (5-0 aggregate) Champions League Qualifiers 27th August 2013

Aaron Ramsey was once again the main man for Arsenal as the Gunners strolled to a 2-0 home win against Fenerbahce, a result which sees them ease into the Champions League proper on the back of a 5-0 aggregate score.

Ross Barkley And Andros Townsend Named In England Squad For Upcoming World Cup Qualifiers

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By Alan Duffy

Youngsters Ross Barkley and Andros Townsend have been rewarded by their impressive early season form with a call-up to the England senior squad for the vital World Cup qualifying clashes with Moldova and Ukraine.

Barkley has impressed in Roberto Martinez's Everton side of late while Tottenham's fleet-footed winger Townsend has obviously benefited from last season's loan spell with QPR.

Good Guy Papiss Cisse Invites Newcastle Fans Around For BBQ In His Back Garden (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Once upon a time, having just joined the club, Newcastle striker Papiss Cisse turned up unannounced at the home of a four-year old Toon fan who sent him a "Welcome to Newcastle" card upon his arrival in the North East, and it looks like the Senegalese forward is up to his old "thoroughly decent chap" tricks once again.

New Barcelona Advert For Qatar Airways Is Worth Watching For The Puyol Scene Alone! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The bods in Barcelona's press office have just sent this over to us and usually we file most corporate promo stuff in the bin, but the club's new advert for Qatar Airways is actually rather good; with cameos from several current Barca stars: Gerard Pique, Neymar, Andres Iniesta, Sergio Busquets, Lionel Messi, etc, and even a fleeting appearance from Gary Lineker though the show is well and truly stolen by Carles Puyol, who, once again, proves that he really is willing to get his head on absolutely anything.

Scoring In Extra-Time: Bored Couple Have Sex On The Pitch After Brondby’s 0-0 Draw Against Randers (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As Manchester United and Chelsea so consummately proved at Old Trafford last night, goalless draws can be infuriatingly frustrating for those forced to sit through the tedium, and we can only imagine the 0-0 snoregasm betweenBrondby and Randers in the Danish Superliga on Sunday evening was even less entertaining.

A Little Bit Of Sunday League Magic! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during some miscellaneous Sunday League game somewhere (it really doesn't matter where or when; they're all the same!), one player exacts immediate and extreme punishment on his teammate for fluffing a golden chance in front of goal by thraiking the rebound directly into his face and knocking him doolally.

Robert Pires Spotted In Crowd At Local Football Match While On Holiday In Greece, Comes On For Second Half And Scores (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having unofficially retired, Robert Pires tends to spend his free time sunning himself in Greek coastal resorts these days, though his weekend wasn't quite as relaxing as he'd hoped when, having settled in to watch alocal friendly match between Storm Rafina and AO Mykonos, theformer French World Cup winner was spotted in the crowd.

Man Utd 0-0 Chelsea – Moyes And Mourinho Serve Up Dull Affair At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 0-0 Chelsea Premier League 26th August 2013

The first big clash of the Premier League titans this season failed to produce any fireworks as Man Utd and Chelsea.

The home side had the better of the chances, with Danny Welbeck in particular going close but overall, neither side produced enough moments of quality.

Gonzalo Higuain Hospitalised After Falling Face-First From Yacht In Capri, Requires Eight Stitches In Jaw

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By Chris Wright

Napoli owner Aurelio De Laurentiis must have had his heart in his mouth this afternoon after hearing that€37million's worth of Gonzalo Higuain had been hospitalised after falling from a yacht and landing face-first on some rocks off the coast of Capri.

Thankfully, Higuain only suffered a slight bump on the head and required a handful of stitches in a cut on his jaw after being taken to A&E inCapilupi,with Twitter reporting that he either, a) slipped and fell off the gangplank as he was clambered off the vessel, or, b) dived from the boat and landed on rocks that were just below the surface delete as you see fit to believe.

The Great Disallowed Goals #2: Edinson Cavani (Napoli) vs Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

If we remember correctly the game in question was the 2011 edition of Barcelona's pre-season Joan Gamper trophy jolly (it was also Cesc Fabregas' debut if memory serves) though that didn't stop Pep's legions well and truly decimating Napoli at the Bernabeu with the Italians merely rolling over, spreading eagle and taking their rogering with absolutely zero resistance.

Paraguayan Player Rages Over Double Sending-Off, Delivers Brutal Flailing Kick To Referee’s Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, having seen two of his buddies mercilessly sent-off by the dastardly, maniacal referee during the latter stages of the Paraguayan Liga Regional del Sud game between Coronel Romero and Porvenir FC last weekend, Porvenir's No.11 decides to even things up and eke out a spot of vigilante justice by delivering a brutal flailing kick directly to the official's face.

Craig Bellamy Pours Water All Over Referee Lee Probert During Cardiff’s Win Over Man City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Craig Bellamy: aged 34, going on 12, tipping his entire bottle of water all over referee Lee Probert during Cardiff's Herculean victory over Manchester City yesterday afternoon...

#AQUABANTZ

Cardiff 3-2 Man City – Campbell Brace Puts Citizens In The Soup (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Cardiff City 3-2 Manchester City Premier League 25th August 2013

Last season, Man City struggled on foreign soil in the Champions League and already this season, they have bombed outside of England (albeit just over the border in Wales).

Tottenham 1-0 Swansea – Soldado Spot-On As Lilywhites Edge Swans At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Swansea City Premier League 25th August 2013

Summer signing Roberto Soldado was on hand once again to fire Spurs to victory from the penalty spot on Sunday.

Andre Villas-Boas' side had the better of things in the first-half but just couldn't add a clincial edge to some excellent build-up play, even seeing Swans' defender Ashley Williams head against his own post.

Millwall Forced To Play In Sheffield Wednesday’s Away Strip After Kit Man Buggers Up His One Job!

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By Chris Wright

Millwall suffered a bit of an identity crisis ahead of Saturday's trip to Sheffield Wednesday after their kit man forgot to pack The Lions' away kit onto the team coach before the squad set out from Bermondsey on the morning of the game.

You had one job!

Aston Villa 0-1 Liverpool – Sturridge Scores Again As Reds Rule At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-1 Liverpool Premier League 24th August 2013

Daniel Sturridge was the goal-hero for Liverpool again as the Reds made it two wins out of two in the Premier League.

The former Chelsea man netted on 21 minutes, finishing off a superb team move as the visitors dominated, with Steven Gerrard, Lucas Leiva and Philippe Coutinho shining in midfield.

Stoke 2-1 Crystal Palace – Chamakh Scores But Potters Pinch Victory At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 2-1 Crystal Palace Premier League 24th August 2013

Arsenal cast-off Marouane Chamakh finally got back on the scoresheet on Saturday, netting Crystal Palace's opener against Stoke at the Britannia. However, the home side still managed to secure all three points after staging a second-half comeback.

Southampton 1-1 Sunderland – Fonte Heads Saints To Share Of The Points At St. Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-1 Sunderland Premier League 24th August 2013

A late late Jose Fonte header gave Southampton a deserved share of the points at St. Mary's on Saturday.

Visitors Sunderland had taken the lead after just three minutes, courtesy of new-signingEmanuele Giaccherini, who nodded home from close-range.

Newcastle 0-0 West Ham – Stalemate At St. James’ Park As Magpies Pick Up First Point Of Season (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-0 West Ham United Premier League 24th August 2013

St. James' Park played host to a goalless draw which had its fair share of goalmouth incident and saw Alan Pardew's Magpies pick up their first point of the season.

West Ham defender Winston Reid almost put through his own goal in the first period while after the break the New Zealand centre-half had a couple of chance to put the Hammers ahead himself while Joe Cole also saw an effort fizz just wide.

Everton 0-0 West Brom – Baggies Battle To Make Point At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 0-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 24th August 2013

Everton did all they could to secure a first competitive win for new boss Roberto Martinez, but the Toffees just couldn;t find a way past Ben Foster in the Baggies' goal.

Seamus Coleman, Steven Pienaar and Ross Barkley amongst others all went close for the Merseysiders, with Irishman Coleman hitting the woodwork, something Marouane Fellaini also managed to do.

Hull 1-0 Norwich – 10-Man Tigers Hold On To Cage Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 1-0 Norwich City Premier League 24th August 2013

Despite having to play the majority of the game with 10 men, Steve Bruce's Hull City battled hard to carve out a precious win at home to Norwich.

Robbie Brady netted the only goal after the game from the penalty spot on 22 minutes, after Yannick Sagbo had been fouled in the box by Michael Turner.

Bolton Wanderers Promote Sky Coverage Of Home Game On Twitter, Angry Fan Replies With Killer Tweet

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By Alan Duffy

I guess football clubs have to promote the TV channels who help to fund their season, but it still seems rather odd to push TV coverage of a game when you surely want your fans to be attending the fixture in person.

Well Bolton Wanderers did just that, promoting Sky Sports' coverage of the Trotters' home game against QPR on Twitter, only to receive one spiky reply before deleting the original Tweet altogether.

Fulham 1-3 Arsenal – Podolski Powers Home Brace As Gunners Coast To Craven Cottage Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-3 Arsenal Premier League 24th August 2013

Arsenal built on their excellent midweek win against Fenerbahce with a very comfortable 3-1 victory against Fulham at a very rainy Craven Cottage.

Aaron Ramsey, Santi Cazorla and Tomas Rosicky totally overpowered the Whites' midfield and it was the in-form Ramsey who created the opening goal on 14 minutes, with Olivier Giroud inadvertently blocking his shot before the Frenchman deftly lifted the ball over 'keeper David Stockdale.

Peruvian FA Orders Player To Travel 900km To Play One Last Game For Former Club, Only To Be Subbed Off Immediately

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By Chris Wright

Right, this one's a little strange and it may take a couple of goes to get your head around, especially if you're as groggy as we are this morning thanks to a night on the frozen strawberry daiquiris.

Sit down and concentrate uber hard as we bring you the continuing plight ofJahirsino Baylon!

Real Madrid Have Erected ‘Galacticos’ Presentation Stage At Bernabeu – Who Could It Be For? (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

So, Real Madrid spent all of yesterday afternoon erecting this thing at the Bernabeu...

Yep, sure looks like one of their old fashioned "Galactico" presentation platforms as far was we're concerned.

Julien Faubert's return is closer than we thought!

Snapshot: The Whole Willian Transfer Debacle Explained In One Picture

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By Alan Duffy

No, Willian, it was really bloody something! What a palavar the afrotastic Brazilian has caused ahead of his move, we think, to Chelsea.

What with Liverpool and then Tottenham and now Jose Mourinho's Blues all vying for the Anzhi attacker, it's been a rather vicious affair.

‘Where Are My Pants?’ – Jack Wilshere Hijacks His Parents’ BBC Radio Phone-In To Ask Mum When His Washing Will Be Done

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By Chris Wright

"Mum, where's me Fireman Sam jimjams?"

BBC Radio 5 Live scored a massive coup this morning as they welcomed, not Jack Wilshere, but the twohuman beings responsible for his existence- the Arsenal midfielder's parents Andrew and Kerry Wilshere onto their breakfast show for an interview.

Friday Football Sticker Flashback Special: All 24 ‘Foil’ National Emblems From Spain ’82 World Cup Panini Album

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By Chris Wright

In a break from the usual horror hair cavalcade of precision-cut mullets and nebulous sprawling perms, we thought we'd deviate slightly with this week's Friday Football Sticker Flashback to have a misty-eyed, nostalgic look back at the beautifully retro "foil" national emblems that graced Panini's Espana '82 World Cup sticker album all complete with that cheeky little Naranjito scamp (the coolest World Cup mascot, hands down, no contest your honour!

Petrolul Ploiesti’s Consolation Goal Against Swansea Last Night Was A Bit Special (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Swansea may have well and truly battered them on the night, but it was visitors Petrolul Ploiesti who chalked up the goal of the night at the Liberty Stadium when the Romanian sides brightest young starGheorghe Grozav notched an astounding consolation goal three minutes from time with his side already dead and buried.

Mario Balotelli Gives Milan Team-Mate Andrea Poli Sneaky Dig In The Back During Training Session (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Mario Balotelli giving Milan teammate Andrea Poli a sly dig in the back/upper arse with a rogue knee during a training session at Milanello yesterday why is another matter entirely..

You have to wonder what goes through that man's mind sometimes.

Burnley Launch ‘i-Pie’ Mobile App That Allows Fans To Pre-Order Their Half-Time Pies

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By Chris Wright

With fans obviously having better things to do than wait for three minutes while their half-time pies are nuked by the surly staff at the Turf Moor refreshments kiosk, Burnley have launched a mobile app which allows supporters to place online orders for their matchday pies and snacks days in advance.

Raul Takes Off No.7 Shirt And Symbolically Gives It To Cristiano Ronaldo During His Real Madrid Send-Off Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Raul returned to the Bernabeu with current side Al Sadd for the Trofeo Santiago Bernabeu game last night and, after leaving for Schalke three years ago without properly saying goodbye to the Madridistas, the evening turned into a massive love-in for the Spanish club's all-time record scorer.

Football GIF: Arsene Wenger’s Supermarket Sweep

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By Chris Wright

@LadyArsejust retweeted this beauty over on Twitter and we're shamelessly pilfering it because it's megaLOLz.

Presenting: Arsene Wenger's summer supermarket sweep..

Those faces at the end are perfecto!

West Brom Grant Nicolas Anelka Compassionate Leave After Death Of His Agent

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By Chris Wright

Nicolas Anelka has reportedly left West Brom just 49 days after signing a one-year deal at the Hawthorns.

It is being said that Anelka, 34, had a meeting with club's technical director Richard Garlick at West Brom's training ground this morning in which the two parties agreed to nullify his contract and that the French striker was last seasonpacking his bags and leaving the premises.

Nicolas Anelka Walks Out On West Brom After 49 Days, Tells Staff He’s ‘Retiring’ From Football

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By Chris Wright

Nicolas Anelka has reportedly left West Brom just 49 days after signing a one-year deal at the Hawthorns.

It is being said that Anelka, 34, had a meeting with club's technical director Richard Garlick at West Brom's training ground this morning in which the two parties agreed to nullify his contract and that the French striker was last seasonpacking his bags and leaving the premises.

Retro Football: Four Glorious Minutes Of Dragan Stojkovic And His Beautiful Back Heels (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As the Left Back In The Changing Room blog once so rightly ordained, Dragan Stojkovic like Matt Le Tissier was one of those players who just wouldn't be allowed to work these days.

Stojkovic had little use for regimented tactics and routinely struggled to maintain his fitness, but what he did possess was a consummate touch, a playful technique and desire to entertain himself.

Shit Lookalikes: Jesus Navas & Dean Gaffney

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By Chris Wright

Navas is Man City's dreamy-eyed new winger

Gaffney used to bother Alsatians on the set of Eastenders

Top work from Pies fanMike O'B and his co-conspirator Mellow Pimp. If we could give you both a gold star sticker then believe us, we totally would!

Transfer Toss: Arsenal Offer £40m For Karim Benzema, Real Madrid Will Use Cash To Prise Luis Suarez From Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

The papers are rife this morning with reports that Arsenal are desperately trying to give their money to Real Madrid, offering £40million for Karim Benzema and a further £15-20million for Angel Di Maria in a good old fashioned "double swoop" deal though a formal bid is yet to be received for either player.

David Villa Scores Exquisite Sliced Volley Against Former Club Barcelona In Spanish Super Cup (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

The game itself was borderline unwatchable due to the relentless use of shamefully shameless gamesmanship, crowding the referee, etc, by players from both sides, but David Villa's opening goal in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup was anything but, with the former Barcelona forward slicing in a superbly executed volley to give Atletico Madrid the lead in the 12th minute at the Vicente Calderon.

Charleroi Striker Demands Public Apology After Being Called ‘Fat As A Pig’ By Commentator On Live TV

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By Chris Wright

Charleroi striker Harlem Gnohere has sued a Belgian television commentator after he told viewers that the French forward was "fat as a pig" while analyzingthe Jupiler Pro League side's 2-1 defeat against KV Kortrijk last weekend.

Speaking live on air, Belgacom TV's Stephane Pauwelsclaimed thatGnohere was "Fat/thick (depending on whose translation you use) as a pig," and that "He is 15 kilograms too heavy and going nowhere.

Chelsea 2-1 Aston Villa – Blues Pushed All The Way In Contentious Clash At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-1 Aston Villa Premier League 21st August 2013

Branislav Ivanovic was the goal hero for Chelsea on Wednesday night, powering home a header to give Jose Mourinho's men a 2-1 win against Aston Villa. However, it could have been so different for the Serbian defender, had referee Kevin Friend meated out more than just a booking for the Chelsea man's elbow on Christian Benteke.

Champions League: Fenerbahce 0-3 Arsenal – Turkish Delight For Gunners As Ramsey Runs The Show In Istanbul (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fenerbahce 0-3 Arsenal Champions League Qualifier 21st August 2013

Arsene Wenger and his charges produced the perfect response to their myriad critics on Wednesday night by producing a superb display away at Fenerbahce.

Most pundits have predicted a difficult night for the Gunners, but with Aaron Ramsey and Jack Wilshere superb in midfield and Theo Walcott always a threat out wide, the home side were second best for the vast majority of the game.

Big Eejit Joey Barton Urges Roy Hodgson To Pick Welshman Aaron Ramsey For England

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By Alan Duffy

A right riddle is old Joseph Barton. From peace-loving hippy to violent thug and urbane sophisticate to ignorant buffoon, the much-travelled midfielder is full of contradictions.

Showing his less-than-sophisticated side, Bartongot in a bit of a geo-political Twitter tangle on Wednesday night while watching Arsenal play Fenerbahce.

‘I Have No Problems With It’ – Malaga Coach Bernd Schuster Thinks Doping In Football Is A-Okay (If Used For Injuries)

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By Chris Wright

"Hey kids, wanna buy somemethylenedioxymethamphetamine-1?"

Malaga coach Bernd Schuster has gone on record today with some incredibly pioneering views on doping in football, stating that the use of pep pills and mystery yellow liquids is a-okay as long as they're merely used to help players overcome injuries.

Two Blokes Interview Each Other In ‘Donald Duck’ Voices, One Happens To Be VfL Bochum Coach Peter Neururer (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's a recent interview between a Bild reporterand Vlf bochum coach Peter Neururer in which both men, for reasons that escape our comprehension, conduct their respective sides of the conversation in "Donald Duck" voices...

We can't actually tell if they're having a serious conversation in Donald Duck voices or if they're merely making noise while salivating wildly over a table.

Mario Balotelli Walks On Water While Gracing ‘Sports Illustrated’ Front Cover (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Mario Balotelli is "the most interesting man in the world" according to Sports Illustrated, who have whacked the AC Milan striker on the cover of their August issue in a suitably understated and subdued pose (here's the cover story if you're interested).

Non-League Manager In Coma Opens Eyes For First Time After Hearing Team’s Results

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By Chris Wright

A non-league football manager who spent a week in an induced coma after being involved in a horrific car crash on his way home from work opened his eyes for the first time after being told his team, Larkhall Athletic FC, had won.

Wayne Thorne (who you can see up there, bottom row, fourth from the right) had just begun his second year in charge atLarkhall when he suffereda ruptured artery in his heart, 16 crushed ribs, apunctured lung, a broken sternum, a dislocated and broken hip and pelvis and and a fracture below his left knee in a head-on collision.

Sevastopol Fans Quickly And Effectively Stop Dnipro Attack By Bombarding Pitch With Flares And Ripped-Up Seating (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PFC Sevastopol registered a respectable draw with third-place Dnipro in the Ukrainian Premier League on Saturday evening, though they have their fans to thank for it as Dnipro's "12th man" put in the defensive performance of his life.

With Dnipro on the attack, the Sevastopol supporters brought the move to an abrupt halt when they suddenly began bombarding the pitch with a hail of lit flares and torn-up stadium seating.

The FIFA 14 Trailer Features Healthy Amounts Of Patrick Stewart (Video)

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By Chris Wright

EA Sports have released yet another FIFA 14 trailer, but this one is different this one features significantly more Patrick Stewart, because adding more Patrick Stewart to just about anything guarantees you're going to multiply its awesomeness ten-fold.

The trailer also showcases FIFA 14′s rendering of the Camp Nou, which is included in the game for the first time in years after being left out over licensing issues.

Transfer Toss: Arsenal Linked With £15m Move For Iker ‘Mardy Bum’ Casillas

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By Chris Wright

According to the El Pais newspaper today, Jose Mourinho's parting advice to Florentino Perez before he left for Chelsea in was that he should sell Iker Casillas if he wanted any of his future managers to enjoy success at the Bernabeu.

Quite what went on between the two is unclear, but it was generally assumed that Mourinho was merely pulling one of his "I'm not afraid to drop anybody" alpha dog stunts in order to deflate Casillas' ego and keep his self-entitlement in check.

Fenerbahce Fans Swarm Outside Arsenal Team Hotel, Light Flares And Fireworks To Keep Them Awake (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A tried and trusted tradition for many ultras around the world (see AIK fans giving CSKA Moscow the old "4am wake-up call" treatment here), a mob of Fenerbahce fans swarmed outside Arsenal's team hotel after news spread among them on Twitter and Facebook that the Gunners were staying at theWyndham Hotel Kalamış in Istanbul on Tuesday night ahead of the do-or-die Champions League play-off first leg in the Turkish capital tonight.

Champions League: Shakhter Karagandy 2-0 Celtic – Bhoys Suffers Shock-Ter In Kazakhstan (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Shakhter Karagandy 2-0 Celtic Champions League Qualifiers 20th August 2013

Neil Lennon's Celtic side were left with a lot of work to do after going down 2-0 away at ShakhterKaragandy in Tuesday night's Champions League qualifier first-leg.

Real Sociedad’s Antoine Griezmann Wraps Up Goal Of The Season Already Against Lyon (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It's still only August but I'm sure you'll be hard pressed to find a better goal in the 2013/14 season than the overhead wonder-strike by French wingman Antoine Griezmann on Tuesday night.

Playing for Real Sociedad against French giants Lyon, the 22-year-old produced the perfect scissor-kick to guide the ball, from some distance, into the Lyon goal.

‘It Was Amazing!’ – Craig Mackail-Smith And Barry Fry Deliver Baby Together

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By Chris Wright

"Get out of there you little pink sod!"

Cracking stuff from the Brighton and Hove Argus this afternoon with the story that Brighton strikerCraig Mackail-Smith and Barry Fry have joined forces to deliver a baby into the world.

Sadly (or should that be "thankfully") the power couple haven't been exploring the adoption/surrogacy route in the hope of starting a family of their own, rather they assisted when Mackail-Smith's girlfriend Amber (who also happens to be Fry's daughter) went into labour at their family home in Horsham.

Sunderland Suspend And Exile Phil Bardsley For Laughing At Opening Day Defeat On Instagram

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland have announced that crocked right-back Phil Bardsley has been suspended pending an investigation into him openly mocking the club's opening day defeat against Fulham on Instagram.

Sunderland U21 player Scott Harrison posted aphoto of the Stadium of Light tunnel posted on Instagram with the accompanying caption "#openingday" before the game, but after the Black Catslost 0-1 at home to Fulham, Bardsley chimed in and mocked the result, posting a reply on Harrison's photo which read "Great opening day,Hahahhahaha hahahhaha!

Two Players Booked For Celebrating Goal With Fire Helmets In Argentinian League (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Lanus pairSantiago Silva and Lautaro Acosta are shown a yellow card apiece for celebrating the latter's equalizing GOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOL against Estudiantes in the Argentinian Primera Division last night by pulling out a pair of strategically-placed fire helmets and plonking them on their heads.

Shit Lookalikes: Roberto Soldado & Nick From ‘New Girl’

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By Chris Wright

A good ol' fashioned shit lookalike in the truest sense (in that it definitely airs on the "shit" side) from Pies fan Harley here, but this pair share a line in angular, bust-up conks and that's bloody well good enough for us...

Shit nose-a-like? Anybody?

Shit Football Kits: Arsenal’s Dazzling New Training Garb May Induce Seizures (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We've just stumbled across a set of photos of the nine remaining fit members of the Arsenal first-team squad limbering up at London Colney ahead of their Champions League play-off against Fenerbahce on Wednesday evening and almost had a seizure...

And we were all like.

SFA Charge Rangers Midfielder Ian Black With Betting Against His Own Team

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By Chris Wright

Alarm bells started ringing when Black began celebrating his own-goals

The Scottish Football Association (SFA) have issued Rangers midfielder Ian Black with a formal notice of complaint after accusing the 28-year-old of betting against his "then-registered club" on three seperate occasions betweenMarch 4th, 2006 and July 28th, 2013.

Were Arsenal Limiting Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s Sub Appearances Last Season On Purpose To Avoid Paying £10k Contract Clause?

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By Chris Wright

Given that it's Arsene Wenger-huntin' season at the moment, a story has conveniently bubbled it's way to the surface this morning which suggests the Arsenal manager indulged in a spot of jiggery pokey with Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain's first-team minutes last season in order to circumvent a clause in his contract that apparently stated the Gunners' had to pay The Ox's former club Southampton £10,000 every time the young midfielder played more than 20 minutes in a game.

Croydon Athletic Midfielder Sent Off On FA Cup Debut For ‘Accidentally Flashing Penis’ At Referee

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By Chris Wright

Croydon Athletic launch their new away kit to mixed reaction

AFC Croydon Athleticmidfielder Louis Blake was sent off duringSaturday's FA Cup extra preliminary round match against Colliers Wood for "accidentally flashing" the referee when asked to prove that he had removed his undershorts.

Man City 4-0 Newcastle – Citizens Sizzle In Magpie Mauling At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 4-0 Newcastle United Premier League 19th August 2013

Manuel Pellegrini's Manchester City got their campaign off to the perfect start with an impressive victory over Newcastle at the Etihad.

Summer-signings Fernandinho and Jesus Navas both started for the home side but it was seasoned Citizen David Silva who would open the scoring on six minutes after great work from Edin Dzeko, who was superb throughout.

Geeky Teen Tottenham Fans Produce Music Video Of Mind-Numbing Awfulness (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Having, many many moons ago, endured those awkward, gawky teenage years myself I really want not to laugh at this video, put together by a couple of young Tottenham fans. However, despite my best intentions, I simply can't.

Sweet mother of divine Jesus!

Transfer Toss: Newcastle Reject £10m Bid From Arsenal For Yohan Cabaye

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle have rejected a bid from Arsenal believed to be somewhere in the region of £10 million (though some sources reckon it's nearer £12million) for Yohan Cabaye.

According to ESPN FC (among several others), Newcastle have knocked back the bid, which they have deemed to be "derisory".

Ex-Bulgarian Prime Minister Signs For Second Division Club, Instantly Becomes Oldest Player In Domestic League

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By Chris Wright

Those bemoaning Arsenal's wafer-thin transfer dalliances might want to spare a thought for fans of Bulgarian second tier side FC Vitosha Bistritsa, whose only signing so far has been a 54-year-old striker with a history of corruption, alleged mafia links and high blood pressure.

The Great Disallowed Goals, #1: Pablo Osvaldo (Roma) vs Lecce

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By Chris Wright

In what may just become a semi-regular series here on Pies, we thought we'd pay homage to all those fantastic goals scored down through history which have immediately found themselves cruelly struck from the annals over a piffling offside decision, etc.

We're going to kick off the series with a timely inaugural inductee, being as it was scored by Southampton's new £15million manPablo Daniel Osvaldo during his time at Roma specifically against Lecce at the Stadio Olimpico back in November of 2011.

Union Comercio Defender Scores Naffest Own Goal You Ever Did See, Duly Apologises On Twitter (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're not entirely sure who is responsible for overseeing Union Comercio's defensive training sessions but given that only a week ago their veteran goalkeeper was responsible for this almighty dropped bollock, all evidence would suggest that the Peruvian side have hired The Chuckle Brothers.

Transfer Toss: Everton Reject £28m Combined Bid From Man Utd For Leighton Baines And Marouane Fellaini

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By Chris Wright

"Oh Marouane my darling, take me with you!"

Everton have confirmed that they have "flatly rejected" a combined bid of £28million for Leighton Baines and Marouane Felliani from Manchester United with David Moyes having now begunhis nigh-on inevitable pursuit of his two former Toffees stalwarts.

Edinson Cavani Scores Silky Screamer To Rescue Late Point For PSG vs Ajaccio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PSG laboured (and we mean laboured) to a 1-1 draw with AC Ajaccio in Ligue 1 last night, with the obnoxiously wealthy Parisians amassing a total of 39 efforts on goal (17 on target) during the game, all of which were repelled by Ajaccio 'keeperGuillermo Ochoa, who put in one of the performances of his life to keep Ibra and co.

Southampton Sign Pablo Osvaldo From AS Roma For £15m, Break Transfer Record Twice In Succession

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By Chris Wright

"Yah, I'm a part-owner of a pop-up vegan dub-step coffee lounge"

Following the impressive summer captures of Dejan Lovren (£8.5million) and Victor Wanyama (£12.5million), Southampton have fired off another expensive statement of intent by shelling out £15million to bring in Italy striker Pablo Daniel Osvaldo from AS Roma thus breaking their transfer record again for the second signing in a row.

Chelsea 2-0 Hull – Jose And Co. Back In The Business At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Hull City Premier League 18th August 2013

Back in the bosom of the Stamford Bridge faithful, Jose Mourinho looked as though he had never left, as he oversaw a comfortable 2-0 win against Hull, making it 61 home league games without defeat for the Portuguese coach at the Bridge.

Crystal Palace 0-1 Tottenham – Soldado Spot-Kick Shoots Down Eagles At Selhurst Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 0-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 18th August 2013

Spanish new-boy Roberto Soldado made the perfect start for Spurs on Sunday, firing home the only goal of the game from the penalty spot.

The north Londoners well deserved their win, dominating for large periods of the game.

Swansea 1-4 Man Utd – Van Persie And Welbeck On Target As Moyes Oversees Easy United Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-4 Manchester United Premier League 17th August 2013

Not long after Arsenal had gone down in flame against Aston Villa at the Emirates, former-Gunner Robin Van Persie was once again inspiring Manchester United to victory, this time against Swansea at the Liberty Stadium.

Jilted Fans Cover Mario Balotelli’s Ferrari In Toilet Paper After Being Refused Autographs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As reported by Football Italia this morn, a group of angry Milan fans gave Mario Balotelli's Ferrari the old "TP" treatment last week after being refused an autograph by the Rossoneri striker.

Apparently Balotelli arrived in the Swiss town of Lugano on Thursday evening, parked up and then snubbed requests from a group of fans tosign autographs or have his picture taken with them.

Norwich 2-2 Everton – Van Wolfswinkel Pounces As Canaries Draw With Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 2-2 Everton Premier League 17th August 2013

Summer-signing Ricky Van Wolfswinkel Was the hero for Norwich on Saturday, heading home the equaliser to give Chris Hughton's side a share of the points at Carrow Road.

All the goals in this entertaining clash came in the second period, withSteven Whittaker opening the scoring early in the second-half.

West Brom 0-1 Southampton – Lambert Scores Again As Saints Win Dull Encounter At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion Southampton Premier League 17th August 2013

There was little to get excited about at the Hawthorns on Saturday, with West Brom and Southampton playing out a rather dull opening day fixture.

Nicolas Anelka was making his debut for his sixth different Premier League side but the fleet-footed Frenchman had a little joy against a disciplined Saints' backline.

Football GIF: Arsenal’s Bacary Sagna Endures Horrible Landing Against Aston Villa

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By Alan Duffy

French defender Bacary Sagna could miss Arsenal's midweek Chmpions League qualifier after being injured following a horrible fall at the Emirates on Saturday.

Sagna did walk away from the incident, which is lucky considering the horrible nature of the fall which could well have caused him serious neck and back damage.

Sunderland 0-1 Fulham – Kasami Kickstarts Cottagers’ Season At Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-1 Fulham Premier League 17th August 2013

Martin Jol's Fulham battled hard against a Sunderland side full of new faces to ultimately pinch all three points at the Stadium of Light.

The Black Cats, starting with five new players, dominated for most of the game, but couldn't find a way past Fulham's new goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg.

Arsenal 1-3 Aston Villa – Threadbare Arsenal Out-Gunned As Villans Win At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal Aston Villa Premier League 17th August 2013

Add an inept referee to a summer of mismanagement and what you get is a disastrous start to the new season for Arsenal.

The Gunners started the game well and opened the scoring courtesy of a fine move which was finished off by Olivier Giroud.

West Ham 2-0 Cardiff – J Cole And Nolan On Target As Hammers Knock New-Boys On The Head (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-0 Cardiff City Premier League 17th August 2013

West Ham enjoyed a comfortable opening day win at the Boleyn Ground on Saturday, easily overcoming new-boys Cardiff City.

Joe Cole and Kevin Nolan were the goal-heroes for the Hammes, netting a goal in either half as Sam Allardyce's men bossed the game.

Premier League: Liverpool 1-0 Stoke – Reds Off To Winning Start As Goalkeepers Star At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 17th August 2013

Liverpool kicked off the new Premier League season with a deserved 1-0 win against Stoke at Anfield.

Liverpool's Suarez-free front three of Philippe Coutinho, Iago Aspas and Daniel Sturridge clicked instantly with the latter finally breaking the deadlock on 37 minutes.

Serie B Club Pescara Offer Free Season Tickets To Local Unemployed Fans

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By Chris Wright

After clocking up the second lowest average attendance in Italy's top flight last season, Pescara have come up with a canny way on coaxing their fans back to theStadio Adriatico following their relegation to Serie B by giving free 2013/14 season tickets to unemployed fans.

Paolo Di Canio Begins New Regime At Sunderland – Bans Mobile Phones, Coffee, Ketchup, Mayonnaise, Ice And Singing In The Showers

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By Chris Wright

After coming in at the tail end of last season and just about keeping Sunderland in the Premier League, Paolo Di Canio has spent the summer ushering in a new era of professionalism at the club by ramping up the fitness work and banning all extra-curricular luxuries and potential distractions clamping down on several of the cancers eating away at fooball's moral fibre, like tomato sauce, singing and players drinking Coke with ice in.

Rick O’Shea Pops Up To Score Ridiculously Unlucky Own Goal In Ligue 2 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Rick O'Shea scored a delightful goal in Ligue 2 last night, popping up in the right place at the right time once again to divert Clermont Foot striker Mana Dembele's absolutely wretched attempted header (which was heading out for a throw-in) back, up and over the Laval keeper via the shoulder of ridiculously unlucky Laval centre-half MalikCouturier.

Transfer Toss: Have Monaco Put Radamel Falcao Up For Sale Just Months After Spaffing £50m On Him?

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By Chris Wright

"FREEDOM!"

We're fairly sure where you can file this one, but MARCA are reporting that Radamel Falcao's super agent and all-encompassing overlord, Jorge Mendes, is trying to find yet another buyer for his client despite AS Monaco spluffing the lion's share of £51million on the 27/29-year-old Colombian striker just two months ago.

Football Songs: ‘Blurred (Goal) Lines’ By The Illustrated Game – An Ode To Goal Line Technology (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a little assist from Robin Thicke, here's The Illustrated Game's timely ode to the imminent influx of goal-line technology, entitled simply "Blurred Goal Lines"...

If you've got a few spare minutes to kill, we thoroughly recommend you pop over and have a shufty around The Illustrated Game's corner of Tumblr (or follow them on Twitter @IllustratedGame)

It really is a thing of maddening, nonsensical beauty.

Friday Flashback: Random 1990s Premier League Football Sticker Quiz, Edition V

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By Chris Wright

Callooh callay!It's that time of year again. Can you correctly identity this twentysome of yesteryear's sainted Premier League heroes using nothing but their faces and your misty, water-coloured memories?

1.

2.

3.

Snapshot: One Man’s Hatred Of Man Utd Lives On From Beyond The Grave

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By Alan Duffy

The clever Irish chaps at balls.ie have found quite a superb visual encapsulation of the hatred some people have for the mighty Manchester United.

This particular ABU, one George Atkinson, made sure that his gravestone would let the world know how much he despised the Red Devils, courtesy of a "I would rather be here than at Old Trafford" cheeky quote.

Retro Football: Transfer Gossip On Front Page Of 1961 Italian Newspaper (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This brilliant image arrived in Pies' email inbox this morning having been sent by a ruddy decent chap called Morgen who came across it while browsing Reddit, and we thought it would be truly caddish of us not to share.

What we see is the front page of the now-defunct Italian newspaper Domenica del Corriere (which was well regarded for its splendid artwork) from 9th July, 1961 which gives us a glimpse of what spurious football transfer gossip used to look like way back when.

Dirk Kuyt Left Needing Stitches In Face After Gruesome Full-Tilt Training Collision With Jonathan De Guzman (Video & Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Dirk Kuyt's pristine Dutch face was left in a right old state after a gruesome accidental collision with Jonathan De Guzman during a training session on Tuesday which saw the two players charge into each other face-first and at full tilt...

Unsurprisingly, neither player played in Dutch side's friendly against Portugal the following evening and De Guzman has even been ruled out of Swansea's opening Premier League fixture with Manchester United tomorrow after suffering a nasty concussion.

Football GIF: Seasoned Samba Superstar Ronaldinho Plays Nifty No-Look Back-Heeled Pass

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By Alan Duffy

Toothsome attacker Ronaldinho has still got it, despite his 33 years. The Brazilian genius demonstrated his other-worldy skills with a wonderful back-heeled pass (without looking) for Atlético Minero against Bahia recently.

Enjoy...

(gif: 101gg)

10 Big, Bold And Beautiful Predictions For The 2013/14 Premier League Season

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By Chris Wright

We're but a day and a smidge from the kick-off of the 2013/14 Premier League season so we thought it was high time we did our annual "balls out of the bath" thing and make a few predicitons, ten in fact, vis-a-vis what we think the new term has in store for us.

Derby County Name Stand After Longest-Serving Member Of Staff, 82-Year-Old Kitman Gordon Guthrie

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By Chris Wright

A lovely bit of news is emanating out of Pride Park this morning with the news that Derby County have decided to name a stand after their longest-serving member of staff, 82-year-old kitman Gordon Guthrie MBE, who has worked at the club for over six decades since starting there, initially as a reserve team player, back in 1968.

‘We All Need To Move On’ – Stiliyan Petrov Asks Aston Villa Fans To End Their 19th-Minute Tribute To Him

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By Chris Wright

Stiliyan Petrov has politely requested that Aston Villa fans discontinue their 19-th minute tribute to him during every home game, telling supporters that "we all need to move on".

For the uninitiated, Villa fans chant Petrov's name and applaud during the 19th-minute of every game at Villa Park to pay homage to the former Villa captain, who was forced into retirement in May having been diagnosed with acute leukaemia back in March of 2012 19, of course, being the Bulgarian midfielder's squad number.

Robbie Savage Offers Tips On How Players Can Force Transfers – Reveals Himself As An Obnoxious, Devious Prannet

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By Chris Wright

"Think it's broken, boss. Somebody better call 999...or Real Madrid"

As if it was in any doubt beforehand, Robbie Savage has been wibbling to the BBC this morning, compiling his very own Haynes manual on how uppity footballers can force through transfers.

Snapshot: Mathieu Valbuena 0-1 Weird Perspective…

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By Chris Wright

Here's a great shot captured during the goalless friendly between Belgium and France last night, which appears to show Mathieu "Bilbo" Valbuena walking among the land of giants...

Now, we know Valbuena isn't the tallest chap in the world (5'6″ in his big boy shoes) but still, perspective can be an utter bitch sometimes!

Brazil’s Dani Alves Scores Masterful Back-Post Header…Against Brazil (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Switzerland beat Brazil 1-0 last night to break the Selecao's 11-game undefeated streak, with Dani Alves claiming the only goal of the game directing a masterful back-post header into the top corner and leaving Brazil 'keeper Jefferson well and truly rooted to the spot.

Friendly: England 3-2 Scotland – Dream Debut For Lambert As Three Lions Win Five-Goal Wembley Thriller (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 3-2 Scotland Friendly 14th August 2013

Southampton's Rickie Lambert made the perfect start to his international career on Wendesday night, heading home with winner against Scotland with his first touch in international football.

Football GIF: England’s Rickie Lambert Scores Winner vs Scotland With First Touch In International Football!

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By Chris Wright

We'll have more photos and reaction from the game up in due course but for now here's Rickie Lambert's first goal for England scored with his very first touch in international football, just two minutes and 45 seconds into his debut against Scotland at Wembley tonight.

Lionel Messi Meets The Pope, Gives Him A Pot Plant (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The great one, followed by million around the world and anointed by God himself, little Lionel Messi produced a corker for his first ever Instagram video.

The video in question shows the Barca genius meeting his fellow countryman Pope Frankie I in the Vatican and presenting the football-loving pontiff with both an Argentina shirt and, for some reason, a pot plant.

BREAKING: Sky Sports News Reporter Nick Collins Falls Off Ladder Live On Air… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Do you want to see super serious Sky Sports News roving bod Nick Collins stack it from atop a small stepladder while filing a super serious report live on air?

Of course you bloody well do...

Wonderful.

Tom Huddlestone Signs For Hull City Tigers For Club Record £5.25m

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By Chris Wright

The 'Preparation H' Hull City Tigers Extreme Soccer Club Franchise have pulled off a bit of a coup with the signing of Tom Huddlestone from Tottenham this afternoon for what is reported to be a club record fee of £5.25million.

We say "coup" in so far as a couple of more established top flight clubs were supposedly sniffing around T-Hudd this summer namely Fulham, Sunderland and Stoke so for a newly-promoted club to waft off that kind of competition is a fairly impressive feat.

Farnborough FC Legally Change Player Names To ‘Messi’, ‘Zidane’, ‘Cruyff’ And ‘Maradona’ In Order To Field Team Of Legends Next Season

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By Chris Wright

After a generous injection of cash from their new principal sponsors,Conference South side Farnborough FC will be able to field an almighty side this season, thanks to the club registering the likes of Zidane, Cruyff, Cafu, Messi and Maradona over the off-season.

Approx £150m’s Worth Of Belgian National Team Talent Watch Movie Together In Bed (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Belgians have churned out quite a few of these "stop motion" Instagram videos out over the past few weeks (Moussa Dembele's "Vertonghen Passes Me the Water" is an instant classic), but Romelu Lukaku has roped in an ensemble supporting cast for his latest magnum opus which sees him, Eden Hazard, Axel Witsel, Nacer Chadli, Christian Benteke, Dries Mertens, Kevin Mirallas and Marouane Fellaini all watching a film together on his hotel bed.

Luis Suarez Tells Uruguayan Newspaper He Wishes To Stay At Liverpool ‘Due To The Affection Of The People’

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By Chris Wright

In what is ostensibly looking like a rather meagre, deflating pay-off to one of the biggest transfer hoo-has of the summer, Luis Suarez has reportedly confided in a Uruguayan newspaper El Observador that he now wishes to stay with Liverpool next season"due to the affection of the people".

Football GIF: Scottish U21 ‘Keeper Jordan Archer’s Mother Of All Miskicks Against England

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By Alan Duffy

Scottish goalies don't have the best to reputations and on Tuesday night at Bramall Lane, U21 glovesman Jordan Archer of Spurs kept that reputation alive with the mother of all miskicks, gifting Connor Wickham a goal in England 6-0 drubbing of the Scots. Although to be fair, it's a superb finish from Wickham.

U21 Friendly: England 6-0 Scotland – Young Guns Batter Scotland At Bramall Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England U21 6-0 Scotland U21 Friendly 13th August 2013

To be beaten by a side which had Jonjo Shelvey as the number 10 and Connor Wickham as the centre-forward is nothing to be proud of, but to be hammered 6-0 by them should be a great cause of embarrassment.

Good Ol’ Fashioned Rant: Spanish Press (Specifically AS And MARCA) Are Actually Stalking Gareth Bale At Home Now

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By Chris Wright

The combination of a footballing fallow period and the tabloid papers being pressured into "getting creative" in order to fill their sucking-wound columns is a potentially maddening one and, increasingly from what we've seen this summer, transfer dealings and the spurious tittle-tattle that envelopes them are being reported in ever decreasing minutiae to the point, in fact, where "Gareth Bale returns to Spurs training" spent almost all day on Sky Sports News' rolling ticker not so very long ago.

Alessandro Del Piero Does ‘Harlem Shake’ While Swinging From Rigging Of Old Galleon In Sydney Harbour (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Alessandro Del Piero showing off to his Sydney FC teammates by hanging from the rigging of an old galleon parked (or whatever the galleon equivalent is moored, perhaps?) in Sydney harbour and swinging his legs violently to the tune of that infernal "Harlem Shake" noise while dangling over what looks like an incredibly ornate buffet.

Chilean Striker With Sizeable Cojones Claims Last-Minute Winner With Audacious ‘Rabona’ Lob From Outside The Area (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the fourth tier of Chilean football on Sunday, Quilicura forward Gerardo Henriquez nets a last-minute winner for his side by plonking an audacious "rabona" lob over the top of theColchagua keeper on a drenched pitch to snaffle a 2-1 victory at the death.

50 Brilliant Vintage ‘England vs Scotland’ Photos, Between 1870-1996

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By Chris Wright

With a succinct nod to tomorrow eve's friendly between the two nations at Wembley a game arranged as part of the FA's 150th anniversary celebrations and a rematch of the first international game ever played Pies have cobbled together a comprehensive gallery of vintage and archive photos from "England vs Scotland" games past, starting with the first ever fixture in 1870 and ending with Gazza's mercurial tomfoolery at Euro '96.

Hit The Road Chamakh! Arsenal Finally Get Rid As Moroccan Misfit Marouane Signs For Crystal Palace

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By Alan Duffy

The clear-out at the Emirates continues with the news that misfit Moroccan Marouane Chamakh has finally left the Gunners, moving sarf of the river to Ian Holloway's Crystal Palace in a one-year deal.

Moving to Arsenal after helping Bordeaux to Ligue 1 glory, Chamakh started well for the north Londoners, netting seven league goals in his first season (2010/11).

Transfer Toss: Samuel Eto’o Angles For Chelsea Move, Issues Good Old Fashioned ‘Come And Get Me’ Plea To Mourinho

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By Chris Wright

Eto'o, brute?

No doubt you've heard by now that Anzhi ownerSuleyman Kerimov is attempting to curb his overheads at the moment after realising that attempting to create a European footballing superpower in the remote Dagestan mountains may not have been the smartest business venture he ever made, meaning that most of the club's vastly-overpaid squad is up for grabs.

Football GIF: Bayern Winger Fronk Ribéry Dribbles Past Three Defenders With Twinkle-Toed Ease

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By Alan Duffy

During Euro juggernaut Bayern Munich's Bundesliga opener last weekend, French wingman Franck "pretty boy" Ribéry was in fine form, as this mighty GIF shows.

Faced with threeBorussia Mönchengladbach defenders in his way, the ex-Marseille man slaloms past his opponents with ease.

Deportivo Quevedo Centre-Back Edwin Hurtado Tries To Bite Opponent’s Nose Off In Fit Of Pure Rage (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Aptly-namedDeportivo Quevedo defenderEdwin Hurtado picked up a yellow card during his side's Ecuadoriantop flight game against SC Barcelona when, in a fit of cannibalistic pique, the 30-year-old centre-half snapped (quite literally!) and attempted to bite Barca forward Andres Franzoia's nose clean off his face following a minor altercation in the box.

Shit Football Ink: Seattle Sounders Fan Gets Terrible Clint Dempsey Tattoo, Looks More Like Richard O’Brien (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Excited at Clint Dempsey signing for his beloved side, a Seattle Sounders fan has had the man's face (and Mr Potato Head-style boots) tattooed behind his ears...

Dear, dear. At least it's somewhere discreet where people won't notice it every single day for the rest of his life, eh?

Dinamo Bucharest Fans Perform Bloody Ginormous Tifo Before Steaua Derby, All Set To Mystic Panpipes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Dinamo Bucharest fans welcomed their side out onto the pitch ahead of Sunday's derby game against dearly beloved neighbours Steaua with an absolutely ginormous choreo/tifo thing, with the aura of mystique perfectly bolstered by the haunting toot of the panpipe.

England Matters: Daniel Sturridge And Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Take Stock Of Their International Careers So Far… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With England's anniversary friendly against Scotland at Wembley on Wednesday just crowning on the horizon, Nike have rolled out a lovely little video which sees two of the younger members of the Three Lions posse, Daniel Sturridge and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, recounting their fledgling international careers so far, spliced with bits of behind-the-scenes footage from England's last two friendlies against Republic of Ireland and Brazil.

League Of Nations: World Map Represents Every Premier League Player And Their Nationality… (Click Through For Full-Size Image)

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By Chris Wright

The work of those intrepid souls over at Sporting Intelligence, this 'ere infographic represents the nationalities of every single player in ever single Premier League squad (correct as of Saturday 10th August), with one flag corresponding to one player (click through for the full-size image).

David Villa Scores First Goal For Atletico Madrid With Rocket-Propelled Humdinger vs Las Palmas (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having joined for pennies this summer, David Villa quickly set about opening his Atletico Madrid account over the weekend with an absolute screamer from 25 yards against Segunda Division side Las Palmas in what we assume was a pre-season friendly...

Ay ay ay!

Time-Wasting Peruvian Keeper Plays Silly Boggers In His Area, Swiftly Gets His Comeuppance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Union Comercial's veteran goalkeeper, Juan "Chiquito" Flores, attempts to run down the clock with just six six! minutes of his side's Peruvian Primera Division game against Sporting Cristal gone and swiftly gets his comeuppance.

With Cristal already having had a goal disallowed despite the game only being five minutes old, 37-year-old Flores attempts to "fake out" Cristal striker Irven Avila with a frankly rubbish feint as he farts about with the ball at his feet, then gets caught out way wide of his goal as Avila nips in, nabs it from Flores without any trouble, dribbles it round him and rolls it into a completely unguarded net.

Community Shield: Man Utd 2-0 Wigan – Van Persie Brace Gets Moyes Era Off To Winning Start At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 Wigan Athletic Community Shield 11 August 2013

Picking up where he left off last season, Dutch hitman Robin van Persie netted a goal in either half to secure a comfortable Community Shield win for Manchester United.

Mark Schwarzer Suffers ‘Senior Moment’ Against Roma, Drops Sizeable Goalkeeping Bollock (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea beat Roma 2-1 in a friendly last night though they had to do it the hard way when the Italian side scored first through Erik Lamela though it was Mark Schwarzer who claimed the assist after suffering an untimely attack of senility while farting about with the ball in his own six-yard box.

Zinedine Zidane And Carlo Ancelotti Play Keepy-Uppy Together (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Here's Real Madrid staffers Zinedine Zidane and Carlo Ancelotti enjoying a quick game of keep-uppy with one another at Madrid's training camp before the players emerge from the dressing room...

Bare-Faced Cheek! Chesterfield Scamp Gary Roberts Pulls Down Opponent’s Shorts In Front Of Referee (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ah, there's nothing like a bit of tomfoolery to remind us that football can, at least sometimes, be actual fun.

In Saturday's League Two clash between Chesterfield and Cheltenham, Spireites' winger Gary Roberts decided to pull down the shorts of Cheltenham's Russell Penn, right in front of the ref, as you do.

Snapshot: NBC Creates Premier League Supporters Map By Dividing Up New York

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By Alan Duffy

Those clever NBC marketing people have been producing some superb material this summer ahead of the network's coverage of the 2013/14 Premier League and this latest advert is again very very smart.

Dividing up the different boroughs and neighborhoods of New York in terms of Premier League clubs, the Bronx becomes a home for Hull City fans, Greenwich Village is now a Gooner neighborhood, Manchester United find themselves represented by the swanky Upper East Side while Staten Island is a Geordie stronghold.

Friendly: Arsenal 3-1 Man City – Citizens Gunned Down In Helsinki As Walcott & Co. Finnish In Style (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In front of a 39,000 sell-out crowd at Helsinki's Olympic Stadium, Arsenal secured a morale-boosting 3-1 win against Manchester City in a keenly-contested friendly.

While City could show off the likes of megbucks new signings Alvaro Negredo, Fernandinho, Stevan Jovetic and Jesus Navas, Colombian trialist Sebastien Perez and young Gunner Isaac Hayden were the only new faces in the Arsenal ranks.

Borussia Monchengladbach’s Alvaro Dominguez Gives Away Two Penalties In Space Of 40 Seconds vs Bayern Munich (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Outstanding work from Borussia Monchengladbach's Alvaro Dominguez, who quite literally provided the helping hand that saw Pep's Bayern Munich reign begin with a win giving away two penalties in the space of 40 seconds in the second half.

The first was missed by Thomas Muller (or rather saved byMarc-Andre ter Stegen) but Dominguez took pity on the Bayern forward and decided to let him have another go when he steamed in and handled the rebound, thus providing the Bundesliga champs with their second penalty in the space of 40 seconds with David Alaba taking over spot-kick duties to shore up Bayern's 3-1 victory.

Edinson Cavani Thanks Napoli Fans With Full-Page Advert In Newspaper (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Having left Napoli for PSG earlier in the summer for a squillion Plutonian doubloons, Edinson Cavani has done the newspaper advert thing...

"1,000 unforgettable days, 104 special moments lived with you. The Azzurri is always in my heart. Thank you for so much love.

Dutch Side NEC Nijmegen Offer Bikini Car Wash As New ‘Man Of The Match’ Reward

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By Chris Wright

Awwwww yeah!

Rather than a customary bottle of champagne, Dutch side NEC Nijmegen are hoping to coax better performances out of their players by rewardingeach week's "Man of the Match" with a car wash. Not just any car wash, mind a bikini car wash.

Europa League Play-Off Draw: Tottenham Play Dinamo Tbilisi, Swansea Face Romanian Side Petrolul PloieÅŸti

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur, one of the busier clubs in the transfer window, will face a trip to Georgia this month after drawing Dinamo Tbilisi in the play-off round of the Europa League. English football's other representative, Swansea City, will face Romanian sidePetrolul PloieÅŸti, who are managed by ex-Milan and West Brom wing-back Cosmin Contra.

Mario Balotelli Has Bought His Very Own Pig And Called It ‘Super’ (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Yep, it's finally happened; Mario Balotelli has bought himself a pet pig...

Finally my little pig arrived! She is only 2 month old! Is a she but i called her SUPER! ;-) pic.twitter.com/6rMaRE9wox

— Mario Balotelli (@FinallyMario) August 9, 2013

How long till he gets it camouflaged?

Champions League Play-Off Draw: Arsenal Face Fenerbahce In Tough Turkish Test, Celtic Play Kazakhstan Champions

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By Alan Duffy

Nicklas Bendtner musters a shot the last time the two sides met. Maybe he'll be involved this time too!

While time is starting to run out for Arsenal in their quest for some big name reinforcements, the Gunners have now been hit with a pretty tricky draw in the Champions League qualifiers.

Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #46

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XLVI: Nerds In Paradise...

I browse, you browse, we all browse for eyebows...

Don't get us wrong; it's lookin' fine as it is, but it's a damn shame they couldn't capture Ian Britton's hair in its full glory...

Snapshot: Liverpool Fan Skillfully Turns ‘Suarez No.7′ Shirt Into ‘Coutinho No.10′ Shirt – You Can Hardly See The Join…

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By Chris Wright

Here's a corker of a photo that's doing the rounds today. After coming to the end of his tether with Luis Suarez's carrying on this summer, this jilted Liverpool took matters into his own hands and did a DIY job on his "Suarez No.7″ shirt seamlessly altering it to a "Coutinho No.

Transfer Toss: Arsenal Agreed Terms With Gonzalo Higuain Then Lost Out While Dilly-Dallying Over Luis Suarez

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By Chris Wright

Higuain at his Arsenal unveiling

There's a little snippet of transfer toss being peddled by BBC Sport journo David Ornsteinthis morning that will sound all-too familar to the Arsenal faithful, with reports suggesting that the Gunners actually managed to agree terms with Gonzalo Higuain over a move from Real Madrid, last month shortly before he pottered off and joined Napoli for a million zillion pounds.

Hull City To Be Rebranded ‘Hull Tigers’ In Premier League Next Season After Owners Deem Club Identity ‘Lousy’

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By Chris Wright

Hull City are to be renamed "Hull Tigers" and drop the "A.F.C" from their club name for the 2013/14 Premier League season after their owners deemed the club's original name to be 'too common'.

Egyptian owners Assem and Ehab Allam have confirmed that they intend to rebrand the club to put more emphasis on the whole "Tigers" aspect in much the same way as Cardiff owner Vincent Tan moulded his team's identity from Bluebirds to Red Dragons to better pique the interest of the potentially lucrative Eastern market.

Udinese’s Andrea Lazzari Belts One In From His Own Half vs Siroki Brijeg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Udinese midfielder Andrea Lazzari gone and done a "Beckham" in his side's 4-0 steamrollering of Sikori Brijeg in the Europa League prelims last night clonking one over the Sikori 'keeper and in from a yard or so into his own half of the pitch...

Didn't even bounce either.

Ex-Man Utd, Everton, Fulham & France Striker Louis Saha Calls It A Day, Retires On 35th Birthday

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By Alan Duffy

A fine striker in his pomp, former French international and Premier League regular Louis Saha has decided to retire from professional football, doing so on his 35th birthday.

After starting his career with Metz, the Paris-born Saha enjoyed a brief loan spell with Newcastle before moving to Fulham in 2000, where he blossomed with his goals helping to fire the Cottagers back into the top tier of English football.

10 New Signings Worth Considering For Your 2013/14 Fantasy Football Team

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By Chris Wright

There's just one Match of the Day-less Saturday night to go before the Premier League farts back into life on August 17th, so it's high time to be getting those Fantasy League teams in order people if you haven't done so already.

Without further ado, here's Pies' pick of the inbound summer transfers who we feel should really be angling for a spot in your hallowed XI.

Rickie Lambert Included In England Squad For Upcoming Scotland Friendly

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By Chris Wright

The England squad for the upcoming friendly against Scotland at Wembley on August 14th has just been announced and the big news is that Southampton man Rickie Lambert has been given the nod by Roy Hodgson after the 31-year-old striker scored 15 goals for the Saints in his first tilt at Premier League football last season.

Tottenham Launch ‘Turfies’ Online Game (‘Moshi Monsters’ Knock-Off) Targeted At Snaring New Generation Of Young Fans

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have become the first football club to produce their own self-developed computer game with the launch of "Turfies" a browser-based online game that Spurs are hoping will rope in a new influx of young fans.

Loosely based on something called "Moshi Monsters" (a ridiculously popular online game in which kids create, collect and swap their own avatars) Turfies allows young Spurs fans to create their own football-shaped character and then train them up by playing games, solving puzzles, having a stab at quizzes inside a Tottenham-flavoured virtual world to earn trophies and in-game coins which can then be used to unlock new items for your avatar or by converted them into real-life prizes think stadium tours, club merchandise, etc.

Ronaldinho Curls Off A Beauty Against Botafogo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Atletico Mineiro and Botafogo served up a 2-2 draw in theCampeonato Brasileiro last night, with Ronaldinho pulling a stone-cold classic out of the bag to score O Galo's first equaliser of the evening wrapping his foot around a gorgeous, curling 25-yard free-kick to level things at 1-1 and cancel out Elias' early opener.

Horror Hair: FK Partizan Youngster Aleksandar Mitrovic Opts For Truly Awful ‘Peroxide Hot Spots’

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By Chris Wright

Apparently this Aleksandar Mitrovic is a bit special, with several of Europe's elite said to be monitoring his progress closely having already been capped by Serbia at the tender age of 18 following his goalscoring feats at U19 and U21 level.

That does not, however, excuse this kind of thing.

Macclesfield Town Fan Who Paid £10,000 To Play For Club Lasts 10 Mins Before Limping Off Through Injury

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By Chris Wright

Gorfin in action, shortly before it all went tits-up

Remember when Macclesfield Town offered one fan the chance to play for their first team in a competitive league or cup game in return for just £20,000 not so very long ago?

Cristiano Ronaldo Scores Beautiful Trademark Freekick As Real Madrid Beat Chelsea 3-1 In Miami (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yep, everyone looks super happy

'Twas the final of the Guinness Super Friends Challenge Trophy Of Pure Unbreakable Friendship in Miami last night, with Real Madrid comfortably ousting Chelsea by three goals to one at the Sun Life Stadium.

Marcelo stuck a cheeky one through Branislav Ivanovic's legs to put Madrid 1-0 up after 14 minutes before with Ramires pulled one back for Chelsea just two minutes later with a sweet, dinked finished over Iker Casillas.

Neymar Scores First Goal For Barcelona In 7-1 Mauling Of Thailand XI (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Barcelona are the latest big European side to tour the Far East this summer, and on Wednesday the Catalan giants romped to a 7-1 victory against a Thai national XI in Bangkok.

The win also saw Brazilian superstar Neymar open his account for his new side, sliding home from close-range after a pass from Cesc Fabregas, although it did look a tad offside.

Shit Lookalikes: David Luis & This Terrified Palm Tree

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By Chris Wright

The one's been floating around on Twitter since forever, so credit due to whoever got there first (it might by @PaddyPower) though, of course, it's not the first tree-based football lookalike to do the rounds, not by a long shot.

Presenting: Mick McCarth-tree.

Transfer Toss: Barcelona Slap ‘Official’ €25m Bid For David Luiz On The Table

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By Chris Wright

According to Mundo Deportivo and "Sky Sports sources" (i.e, Mundo Deportivo's Twitter feed), Barcelona have lodged a heftybid for Chelsea centre-half David Luiz, thought to be worth somewhere in the region of €20-25million.

Sky Sports are reporting that Barca's approach is "official" according to their sources, though we haven't got the shiniest sh*tting clue what that's actually supposed to mean.

Partizan Ultra Storms Onto Pitch And Strips Captain Of His Armband After Champions League Defeat (Video)

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By Chris Wright

FK Partizan failed to overturn a 2-1 first-leg defecit in the second 50% of theirChampions League third qualifying round fixture against Ludogorets, with the visitingBulgarian side winning 1-0 and thus sending the home team...well, even home-er with their tails tucked meekly betwixt their legs.

Michael Owen Joins Real Madrid Old Boys In Kuwaiti Futsal Clasico Against Barcelona (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

A smattering of Barca and Real Madrid legends donned their famous strips once again in a legends futsal game in Kuwait at the weekend.

Madrid's side included Michael Owen, Fernando Morientes and the mighty Luis Figo while Barca's side boasted Patrick Kluivert, Gaizka Mendieta and Gianluca Zambrotta amongst others.

‘It’s A Disease That Shouldn’t Be Promoted’ – Mateja Kezman Not Massive Fan Of Homosexuality

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By Chris Wright

Kezman struggles to deal with a shameless display of man-on-man loving

Former Chelsea wastrel Mateja Kezman has found a quick, simple way to show the entire world just how much of a backwards hillbilly he really is by openly calling homosexuality a "disease"

When pressed about Dutch trioLouis van Gaal, Ronald de Boer and Pierre van Hooijdonk all turning up at last weekend's Gay Pride meeting in Amsterdam to represent the Dutch football association (KNVB), Kezman who currently serves as sporting director at FK Vojvodina in his homeland told the press:

"Surely it's not up to me to tell [Van Gaal, De Boer and Van Hooijdonk] they made ​​a mistake, but if you ask me about [homosexuality], I have a problem with it.

Things You Didn’t Think You’d See Today: Ian Rush Poses With The Wu-Tang Clan

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By Chris Wright

Actually, scratch that; file this one under "things you didn't think you'd see before the sun fizzles out into a dry nugget of house-brick and the solar system as we know it ceases to exist": here's Ian Rush catching up with a couple of old buddies, RZA and GZA (if memory serves) of the Wu-Tang Clan, at Liverpool's team hotel in Oslo.

Raul Meireles Scores Hipper-Than-Hip Volley vs Red Bull Salzburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's hipper-than-hip Fenerbahce midfielder Raul Meireles scoring a bloody blooter of a volley against Red Bull Salzburg in a 3-1 for the Turks dans le preliminary stages of the Champions League last night...

Great goal, but we prefer his early stuff.

‘Let Me Leave Liverpool’ – Luis Suarez Pleads With Club To Honour Their Word And Let Him Jump Ship

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By Chris Wright

Luis Suarez has given an interview to both the Guardian and the Telegraph in which he openly pleaded with Liverpool to honour an agreement (i.e, to let him leave if the club failed to achieve Champions League qualification last season) that was supposedly written into his contract at the beginning of 2012/13.

Bradford City Mascot Replaced For Not Being ‘Portly’ Enough After Losing Seven Stones Due To Illness

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By Chris Wright

Bradford City's "City Gent" mascot, as seen in 2001 and 2013

Having fulfilled the role for the last 19 years, the man who served as Bradford City's "City Gent" mascot has spoken of his heartbreak after being forced into hanging up his bowler hat, brolly and briefcase after the club deemed him to not be "portly" enough for the job anymore.

Proof If Proof Were Needed That Wayne Rooney Is World’s First Burger Created In A Test Tube (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've long pontificated that Wayne Rooney looks like a steaming joint of boiled ham with facial features drawn on in biro, and now our suspicions have finally been confirmed to be 100% correct courtesy of a breaking Sky News report this afternoon.

Classic Moments: Trevor Sinclair And His Timelessly Beautiful Bicycle Kick vs Barnsley, 1997 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There are certain things that Pies will just never tire of watching: Jose Feliciano is full flight, that scene in "A Good Woman" when Scarlet Johannson is crawling round on the floor, the Toronto Raptors mascot trying to roller-skate down stairsand Trevor Sinclair's perfectly executed bicycle kick in the FA Cup against Barnsley in 1997.

John Barnes Tests Microphone Before After-Dinner Speech With Quick Burst Of ‘Rapper’s Delight’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While gearing up for an after-dinner speech or some such, John Barnes was instructed to do a quick test for the levels on his microphone.

Rather than the usual humdrum "testing, testing, 1-2-3″ schtick, Barnes being a peerless master of the art form instead opted for a quick, double-speed burst of seminal hip-hop track "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang.

Sergio Aguero Offered To Buy Five New Players For Struggling Former Club Independiente But Never Received A Call Back

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By Chris Wright

"You like the look of these pretty boys? Take your pick"

Independiente have hit the skids somewhat of late, having been relegated from the Argentinian top tier for the first time in the club's 108-year history a humiliating descent into the lower leagues that saw the more hardcore fringe of Independiente ultras group storming a "clear the air" meeting held by club president Javier Cantero not so long ago in order to pelt him with chairs, tables and shoes.

Brazilian Defender Tonks Clearance Straight Into Lineswoman’s Face At Point-Blank Range (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short, sweet and positively oozing with unctuous, organically-farmed, line-caught, sustainable, eco-friendly, wifi-enabled shadenfreude.

Here's a snippet from Sunday's Brazilian second division match between Atletico-GO and Parana in which the female lineslady pays the price for patrolling the touchline and keeping up with play so diligently when she takes a hefty clearance to the face from point-blank range and duly gets knocked on her chuff.

Mario Balotelli Plays Italian National Anthem On Piano For Andrea Pirlo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The hyper-aware cynic in us suspects this isn't 100% kosher but none-the-less, here's Mario Balotelli serenading Andrea Pirlo with a beautiful piano rendition of the Italian national anthem...

Anyone have the foggiest what is going here?

(Via A Bola)

Steward Trampled By Police Horse During Pitch Invasion After Preston-Blackpool League Cup Opener (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The 2013/14 League Cup campaign farted into life last night with a first-round match at Deepdale between near and dear Lancashire neighbours Preston North End and Blackpool, with the home side winning through a late goal from new signing Tom Clarke two minutes from time.

First Photo: Roberto Soldado Passes Medical, Officially Joins Tottenham In £26million Club-Record Deal

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By Alan Duffy

While Gareth Bale continues to edge closer to a megabucks deal with Real Madrid, Andre Villas-Boas continues to strengthen his Spurs side, with Spanish striker Roberto Soldado officially joining the Lilywhites in a four-year deal.

The 28-year old Spanish international joins Spurs from Valencia in a club-record £26million deal, quite a hefty sum of money.

Around The Grounds: Bramall Lane, Home Of Sheffield United

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By Chris Wright

In a return to the original "Around the Grounds" format, this week we're having a photographic shufty around the world's oldest football stadium (technically it's the "oldest major stadium in the world to still host professional football matches"): Sheffield United's Bramall Lane stadium, originally opened in 1855 and used primarily as a cricket ground.

Clint Dempsey Welcomed To Seattle Sounders By All But One Particularly Unimpressed Fan (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Clint Dempsey has joined Seattle Sounders from Tottenham on a contract that eclipses both Thierry Henry and David Beckham's MLS salaries (we're talking $8million-a-year if you believe the word on the wire) having completed a £6million move from Tottenham and the fantastically devoted Sounders supporters turned out in droves to greet their new man after several days of will he/won't he "#DempseyWatch" speculation.

Football GIF: Andre Schurrle Opens Chelsea Account With Cracking Low Volley vs AC Milan

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea squeaked past AC Milan and into the final of the Guinness Alliance of Super Friends Super International Football Challenge Trophy of Togetherness and Harmony in New Jersey to set up a final against Real Madrid (Mourinho vs Ancelotti, ooooh!) by virtue of a 2-0 victory over the Rossoneri.

‘He Is Not For Sale’ – Man Utd Reject Another £25m Chelsea Bid For Wayne Rooney

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By Chris Wright

It's not just some spurious, summer lull tittle-tattle; Manchester United have confirmed that the club have both received and rejected another bid from Chelsea for Wayne Rooney, rumoured to be valued somewhere around £25million (plus add-ons).

A spokesman for United told Press Association Sport: "A bid was received yesterday and immediately rejected.

Veracruz Keeper Saves Injury Time Penalty, Veracruz Defenders Immediately Undo All His Hard Work (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Quick burst of Monday morning LULZ to get us off the ground this week with a snippet of action from Liga MX on Saturday in which Veracruz 'keeperEdgar Hernández upholds his part of the bargain and saves an injury-time penalty kick against Cruz Azul to maintain his side's 3-1 lead only for a couple of his defenders to immediately undo all of his hard work and somehow manage to put away the rebound without a Cruz Azul player so much as getting a sniff of the ball.

Didier Drogba Comes Back To Haunt Arsenal As Galatasaray Win Emirates Cup (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal must be well sick of the sight of their Ivorian bogeyman Didier Drogba. The former Chelsea hitman may be entering the autumn of his glittering career, but he is still a formidable front-man and on Sunday against the Gunners, he netted a brace in a superb cameo appearance.

West Bromwich Albion Sign Uruguayan Captain Diego Lugano On Two-Year Deal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

This rather passed up by here at Pies over the past couple of days, but West Brom's signing of Uruguayan hardman is definitely one of the more interesting moves of the summer so far.

Captain of his country, and with a wealth of experience under his best, the 32-year-old centre-half could prove a very clever signing by Steve Clarke.

Didier Drogba Gets ‘Schumachered’ By Porto ‘Keeper Fabiano During Emirates Cup Clash (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In a retro-nod to German goalkeeper Harald Schumacher infamous pole-axeing of France'sPatrick Battiston back in 1982, Porto goalie Fabiano launched his own loony challenge in the direction of Galatasaray striker Didier Droga at the Emirates on Saturday.

While thankfully Drogba survived the challenge and managed to play on, the 6'6″ Brazilian Fabiano didn't even receive a booking!

Hollywood Funnyman Jason Sudeikis Stars As Clueless Tottenham Coach In Clever NBC Spoof Football Clip (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

You've got to hand it to them, NBC are certainly pulling out all the stops in promoting their coverage of the upcoming Premier League.

After decking out New York subway trains in Premier League club colours, the US channel have produced a rather clever, self-depreciating video clip which lampoons Americans' supposed lack of knowledge of 'soccer'.

Football GIF: Notts County’s Gary Liddle Picks Up First Red Card Of 2013/14 Season For Flying Stud To The Ribcage

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By Chris Wright

And the winner of the "first red card of the 2013/14 season award" goes to Notts County defender Gary Liddle, who went above and beyond the call of duty in the opening stages of last night's Football League curtain-raiser twixt Notts and Sheffield United at Bramall Lane leaping through the air andplanting his studs in Blades winger Kevin McDonald's ribcage with a perfectly executed something or other.

Letters And Numbers On Back Of Barcelona Kit vs Santos Designed By Girl With Downs Syndrome – All Shirts To Be Auctioned For Charity

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By Chris Wright

Hardly surprising given they nabbed their best player over the summer, but Barcelona thrashed Santos in the Joan Gamper Trophy at Camp Nou last night, sticking eight unanswered goals past the hapless Brazilians in a match arranged as part of Neymar's move to Catalonia.

Newcastle Launch New 2013/14 Home Kit A Little Later Than Originally Planned (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Here it is: the new N'cassle home strip for 2013/14, which has been launched a little bit later than planned after Papiss Cisse threw a wobbly about Wonga whacking their company name across the chest.

SPOILER ALERT: It's black and white...

Liking the subtle blue detailing.

NBC Promotes Premier League Coverage By Decking Out Subway Trains In Club Colours (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

In quite a clever marketing ploy, US TV network NBC have heralded their new Premier League deal by redocrating New York subway trains in the colours of some of England's biggest clubs.

Using the motto "'Keep Calm And Pick A Side", carriages have been decked out to highlight some of the Premier League's biggest derbies, with half a carriage dedicated to Man Utd and the other other to City etc.

Chinese Player Angered By Evasive Opponent, Launches Into Ridiculous Horror Tackle On Completely Innocent Man (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Choice piece of hardmanship from the recent Chinese Super League game betweenLiaoning Whowin and Nic n' Drog's old buddies at Shanghai Shenhua here, in which Liaoning midfielderZhang Jingyang becomes intensely aggravated by the close attention he's being shown by his opposite Shenua number, only to take out his anger on someone else entirely by mistake launching a horrific launch at a hapless innocent who just so happened to meander into the line of fire at the wrong time.

Friday Flashback: Assorted Vintage Football Stickers, Vol #45 – Match Magazine ‘Footie Mad’ Stickers Special

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By Chris Wright

Today's Friday Flashback is dedicated to the magic of Match magazine's (i.e, Shoot's brash, hair gel and acne-ridden, ever-so-slightly annoying younger brother) mid-1990s "Footie Mad" sticker collection an altogether more esoteric brand of football sticker with poses of pure, awkward gold from almost all involved.

Retro Football: The Evening Standard London 5-A-Sides – Competitive Cup Played With First Team Players, 1993

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By Chris Wright

Here's a corking bit of footballing miscellany with footage from the 1993 Evening Standard London 5-a-sides tournament, which saw professional clubs from in and around the capital we're talkingWatford, Millwall, West Ham, Brentford, Chelsea, Leyton Orient, Tottenham, Charlton, Crystal Palace, Wimbledon, Barnet, Fulham, QPR and Luton Town all putting out five-a-side teams made up of first-team/fringe players and squaring off against each other at Wembley Arena, and all before the actual football season had technically finished.

Football GIF: Isco Pulls Delicious Outside-Of-The-Boot Pass Out Of The Bag vs LA Galaxy

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By Chris Wright

Here's Isco pulling a beautiful outside-of-the-boot "trivela" pass (we believe they used to call it something like that in the olden days, i.e, 2002-ish) out of the bag to lay Karim Benzema's first goal against LA Galaxy last night on a silver platter for the French striker.

Arsenal Legend Ian Wright Advises Luis Suarez Against Joining Arsenal In Conveniently Timed Blast Of Opinion

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By Chris Wright

Former Arsenal striker and bona fide Gunners legend Ian Wright has popped his head above the parapet and strongly advised Luis Suarez not to ditch Liverpool and join his former club this summer. Got that?

Wright told BBC Sport:

"I'd welcome him at Arsenal with open arms, but if I was Suarez, when you look at everything, it does seem strange he would want to go to Arsenal.

Football GIF: Juan Mata Is The World’s Worst Ten-Pin Bowler

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By Chris Wright

Like a ten-times recycled clip from "You've Been Framed", here's Juan Mata proving that there is something he can't do while demonstrating his comically woeful ten-pin bowling technique...

*wah, wah, wa~a~a~aah trombone*

(GIF via Chelsea Reddit)

‘Friendly’ My Arse: Inter Milan Defender Hugo Campagnaro Sees Instant Red For Studdy Stamp On John Terry (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea beat Inter Milan 2-0 in something called the Guinness World Super Sport Soccer Challenge Friends Forever Magic Cup Of Friendship And Hope Forever in Indianapolis last night, though the supposedly "friendly" spirit of the evening was somewhat soured on the hour-mark when Inter'sHugo Campagnaro shredded John Terry's fleshy bits with a pretty nasty stamp/lunge and was shown an instant red card by the referee.

Europa League: Swansea 4-0 Malmo – Bony Bags A Brace As Swans Spank Swedes At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 4-0 Malmo Europa League 1st August 2013

Former European Cup finalists Malmo (beaten 1-0 by Nottsm Forest in 1980′s final that's one for Chris) were given a right seeing to by Carling Cup champs Swansea on Thursday night.

Swans' new-boy Wilfried Bony netted a brace on his competitive debut for the Welsh side while Michu and subAlejandro Pozuelo also scored to give Michael Laudrup's side quite a comfy advantage going in to next week's second leg of the qualifiers in Sweden.

Audi Cup: Muller And Mandzukic Fire Munich To Victory Over Man City (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In the final of the Audi Cup, Man City couldn't once again hit the heights of their impressive 5-3 victory over AC Milan, instead going down 2-1 to Pep Guardiola's European champions Bayern Munich.

Spanish hitman Alvaro Negredo did give the Premier League side the lead on the hour-mark, but playing on home turf, the Munich giants came back to lift the trophy, courtesy of a spot-kick from Thomas Muller and a strike from Mario Mandzukic.

One Direction Member Louis Tomlinson Signs For Doncaster Rovers On One-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright

We're told Tomlinson is one of these inconsequential, floppy-haired dillweeds

Sometimes headlines come along that just pummel the tenuous gossamer-thin hold you have on reality into submission and this be one of those:Doncaster Rovers have signed Louis Tomlinson, a member of boyband One Direction, after being suitably impressed by his cameo appearance in a recentcharity match at the Keepmoat.

Former Arsenal And England Full-Back Kenny Sansom Admits He’s Homeless, Drunk And Sleeping On Park Benches

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By Chris Wright

Former Arsenal left-back and England's second most-capped full-back of all time, Kenny Sansom, has admitted that he has been living homeless for the last ten days, resorting to sleeping on park benches.

He told The Sun:

"I have been living homeless for 10 days, that's because I've got no money, I'm a drunk, I'm not feeling very well and I'm a gambler.

Classic Moments: Germany’s 1994 World Cup Anthem – ‘Far Away In America’ Feat. The Village People (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What we have here is a football song that we'd completely repressed until we re-watched it this morning and all the nauseating nostalgia came flooding back like a tidal wave of rotten offal: Germany'santhem for the USA '94 World Cup, entitled "Far Away In America" and masterfully performed by the squad with a little help from who else?

Classic Moments: Germany’s 1990 World Cup Anthem – ‘Far Away In America’ Feat. The Village People (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What we have here is a football song that we'd completely repressed until we re-watched it this morning and all the nauseating nostalgia came flooding back like a tidal wave of rotten offal: Germany'santhem for the USA '90 World Cup, entitled "Far Away In America" and masterfully performed by the squad with a little help from who else?

Snapshot: Hello, I’m Pele And I’ll Be Your Sandwich Artist Today…

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By Chris Wright

In case you were wondering, Pele is Subway's newglobal brand ambassador. Don't hate, a fella's gotta keep himself in Schwarzkopf somehow.

(Photo: Diane Bondareff/Invision for SUBWAY restaurants/AP Images)

Cracking Signing: Tottenham Confirm ‘Agreement Reached’ With Valencia Over Deal For Roberto Soldado

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have confirmed that they have shaken hands with Valencia over a deal for striker Roberto Soldado, with the Spanish poacher all but set to sign on the dotted line pending a medical.

A brief statement on the Tottenham website reads: "We are delighted to announce that we have reached agreement with Valencia for the transfer of Roberto Soldado subject to medical.

Cristiano Ronaldo Throws Slightly Wimpy ‘First Pitch’ At Dodgers Stadium (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Real Madrid in town for some pre-season tournament thing, Cristiano Ronaldo was invited along to throw the first ceremonial pitch at Dodgers Stadium yesterday and it's fair to say, judging by the slightly wimpy result, that he probably spends most of his time in the Bernabeu gym working on his lower body.

Steaua Bucharest Owner Gigi Becali Cancels Tottenham’s Approach For Vlad Chiriches From His Prison Cell

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By Chris Wright

Romanian prisons really are a cut above

While it's not uncommon for club chairmen to wade in and scupper a transfer deal at the 11th hour, it's slightly rarer for them to have to do it from their prison cell though that is exactly what lunatic Steaua Bucharest owner Gigi Becali has done, ordering his underlings to pull the plug on Tottenham's approach forhighly-rated Steaua centre-half Vlad Chiriches from the 6′x8′ Honeymoon Suite at the Rahova jail.

Plucky Fan Takes Kwadwo Asamoah’s Penalty For Him As Everton Beat Juventus In Friendly Shootout (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a plucky fan hurtles onto the pitch during the deciding shootout at the end of last night's friendly between Everton and Juventus in San Francisco and proceeds to steal Kwadwo Asamoach's penalty from right underneath his nose...

Encroach onto the pitch and disrupt a penalty shootout in a competitive game = set upon by stewards and probably a tazer to the crotch at some point.