Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

Brendan Rodgers Agrees Deal To Become New Liverpool Manager

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By Chris Wright

As best we know, Brendan Rodgers has just agreed a three-year deal that will see him leaving Swansea to become Liverpool's new manager. However, it's not been officially squared away quite yet as the two clubs are still in the process of finalising a £4 million-odd compensation payment.

Snapshot: One Of These Men Is About To Become Liverpool Manager…

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By Chris Wright

...the other was disintegrated by a Welsh Death Stare of Death...

That's right. After it was originally thought that Swansea were having none of their prying, it would now appear that Liverpool are all set to name Brendan Rodgers as their new manager within the next couple o' days following talks with FSG and John W.

Convicted Rapist Ched Evans Released By Sheffield United

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By Alan Duffy

From SHEFFIELD UNITED, I said, not JAIL, in case you are confused. Anyway, Sheffield United have finally decided to axe their infamous striker Ched Evans, who was convicted of rape and sentenced to five years imprisonment last month.

The Blades only recently suffered the heartbreak of losing on penalties in the League One play-off final, while it is a strong possibility that if their top-scorer Evans had not committed such a thoroughly vile crime and totally messed up a number of people's lives in the process, United could well have secured an automatic promotion place.

Snapshot: This Is England’s ‘Mount Rush-Score’ Tribute And It Could Be Yours…

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at this tripe? Someone, somewhere though this was a good idea.

More precisely, someone at the National Lottery thought this would be a good idea and went ahead and commissioned the 1.5 metre-long, 60kg fibreglass and concrete 'lawn ornament' adorned with the faces of David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, Paul Gascoigne and Stuart Pearce as a tribute to England's Euro 2012 campagin (all apparently lovingly tended to by Chris de Burgh).

‘I Feel Betrayed’ – Kevin Foley Upset At Last-Minute Axe From Ireland Euro 2012 Squad

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By Alan Duffy

Having already had to deal with the trauma of relegation from the Premier League, poor old Wolves full-back Kevin Foley is now having to handle the heartbreak of missing out on Euro 2012. The 27-year-old had been expecting to travel to Poland and Ukraine as part of Ireland's squad after apparently overcoming a hamstring injury.

Spoof FIFA 13 Trailer Features Several Updates We’d Love To See – Underwater Stadiums, Puerto Rican Gangs, Etc (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sigh, if only...

We could be wrong here, but the younger chap looks suspiciously like the bloke who has Clive Tydlesley living in his nipple.

Video: CPUversusCPU

Olivier Giroud Takes Ride In Sebastien Loeb’s Citroen Rally Car, Almost Merdes His Pantalons (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which supposed Arsenal target Olivier Giroud goes out for a joyride with eight-time World Rally Champion and certified vehicular maniac Sebastian Loeb in his souped-up Citroen DS3 and reacts, as any other right-minded human would, with a mixture of admiration and abject fear (hit 'cc' for English subtitles).

Burea IF -3 – -3 Bygdsiljum SK: Selection Errors See Swedish Division 6 Game End With Negative Score

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By Chris Wright

Here's a new one on us. Over in the eighth tier of Swedish football (Division 6) the recent game between Burea IF and Bygdsiljum SK finished with both sides racking up a negative goal count, after shenanigans in their respective squad selections incurred penalties from the local league authority.

England (Sans Ashley Young) Train At London Colney Ahead Of Big, Bad Belgium Friendly (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With Ashley Young consigned to the gym after picking up a bit of ouchie against Norway at the weekend, the rest of the England squad (who welcomed the four Chelsea players given extra post-Champions League final leave back into the fold; Lampard, Cole, Terry and Cahill) trained at London Colney late yesterday afternoon in preparation for Saturday's pre-Euro 2012 friendly against the big bad Belgians at Wembley, i.

England (Sans Ashley Young) Train At London Colney Ahead Of Big, Bad Belgium Friendly (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With Ashley Young consigned to the gym after picking up a bit of ouchie against Norway at the weekend, the rest of the England squad (who welcomed the four Chelsea players given extra post-Champions League final leave back into the fold; Lampard, Cole, Terry and Cahill) trained at London Colney late yesterday afternoon in preparation for Saturday's pre-Euro 2012 friendly against the big bad Belgians at Wembley, i.

Goal Celebrations – Now With Added Special Effects (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This made us chuckle ever wondered what goal celebrations would look like once laden with Hollywood props, big-budget pyrotechnics and flashy special effects? Well, wonder no more...

Niko Kranjcar rabbit-punching a Tyrannosaurus Rex to the ground was a definite highlight.

‘If Someone Throws Bananas, I Will Kill Him’ – Mario Balotelli Vows To Smite Any Euro 2012 Racists

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By Chris Wright

There's no sitting on the fence with Mario Balotelli vis-a-vis the preemptive racism storm a-brewing ahead of Euro 2012. The new Italian No. 9 Â - who has endured more than his fair share of abuse in the past has vowed to 'kill anyone' who throws bananas at him in the street in Poland and/or Ukraine, telling France Football:

"If [racism] does happen I would leave the pitch and go home.

England Euro Squad Numbers Released – Carroll Gets No. 9 While Is Roy Planning A Gerrard/Lampard Axis?

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By Alan Duffy

Today saw  all of the squads for the forthcoming Euro 2012 extravaganza released. As well as confirming their 23-man outfit, England also released the squad numbers to the press and public.

If we were to see the numbers 1-11 as an indication of Roy Hodgson's prefered first-choice side, then the former West Brom boss is planning to break with convention and actually play Frank Lampard alongside Steven Gerrard in central midfield, with no room for the more defensively-minded Scott Parker.

Snapshot: The Joys Of Norwegian Football

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By Chris Wright

On Saturday evening England played Norway in Oslo swathed in balmy 24º sunshine, three days later...

Here's a better look at that Tromso-Brann game...

Now, we're aware that Tromso is a good deal more Northerly than Oslo, but this is the end of May we're talking about here.

Stop-Motion Animation Explains Just How Greece Managed To Win Euro 2004 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Turns out it wasn't a kebab skewer up the arse after all...

Via Unibet

Group Of Belgian Football Fans Put Themselves On Ebay, Will Root For Country Of Highest Bidder At Euro 2012

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By Chris Wright

With Belgian fans having little to concern themselves with football-wise this summer, a group of them have put themselves on Ebay offering their service to the highest bidder...

Here's the sales pitch:

"During Euro 2012, all members of our Facebook group will root for the national soccer team of the highest bidder, or the national team of his choice.

Stars Of Euro 2008: Where Are They Now? – No. 1: Dani Güiza

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By Chris Wright

We currently stand but 14,000 or so short minutes from the kick-off of Euro 2012 and, as the anticipation begins to ramp up a notch in the pit of our stomach, we began casting our memories back to the previous tournament in Austria and Switzerland back in 2008 (doesn't it seem like an age ago now?

Retro European Championship Snapshot: Evil Tear Gas Cloud Stops Play At Euro 1980

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By Chris Wright

We'll be bringing you a few of these over the next week-and-a-bit in the run-up to Euro 2012; vintage images plundered from the archives of European Championships past the first being a great shot of the crowd disturbance at the Stadio Comunale in Turin during England's (surprise surprise) game against Belgium in the group stages of Euro 1980Â (as ever, click through for the full-sized images).

Andriy Voronin Does A ‘Voronin’, Farts Open Goal Over Crossbar vs Estonia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This'll be all-too familiar to those of a Liverpool persuasion out there, once-ponytailed lummox Andriy Voronin farting a 'gimme' of an open goal over the crossbar from all of six yards or 'doing a Voronin' as it's now become known during Ukraine's 4-0 friendly spanking of Estonia last night.

Snapshot: Eden Hazard’s 2011/12 Season In Dirty Flirty Quotes

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By Chris Wright

Eden Hazard, ladies and gentleman, the biggest, most shameless tart in the business right now...

Via @FootballFunnys

Fox Sports Mistakenly Declare Lionel Messi Dead After Suffering Cardiac Arrest In Training

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By Chris Wright

So, this showed up on Fox Sports' official Twitter feed yesterday evening before being quickly deleted...

"We announce the sad news that Lionel Messi died of a cardiac arrest during training #RipMessi"

Those with a keen eye will notice that Lionel Messi is not dead, nor has he ever been to the best of our knowledge.

Uber-Tease Hazard Finally Spills The Beans On Twitter – He’s Off To Chelsea

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By Alan Duffy

At last, with white Papal smoke billowing out of his arse, Lille's much coveted Belgian winger, Eden Hazard, has finally told the world who he'll be signing for and it's none other than Euro-conquerors Chelsea.

The 21-year-old wunderkind has been the centre of a tug of love with both Manchester clubs, Chelsea and god knows who else all making a play for Ligue 1′s star performer.

Serb Star Adam Ljajic Kicked Off National Team For Failing To Sing National Anthem

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By Alan Duffy

Linked with a move to Arsenal in recent weeks, Fiorentina's Serbian midfielder Adam Llajic has felt the wrath of national team boss Sinisa Mihajlovic after being caught out not singing the national anthem before his side's friendly fixture with Spain on Saturday.

Women’s FA Cup Final Plays Host To Worst Corner Kick Pretty Much Ever (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oops...

For the record, Birmingham won on penalties. Savvy?

(Thanks to Pies fan Mal for the tip-off)

‘I Made Up My Mind’ – Big Tart Eden Hazard Finally Decides On Summer Destination (Possibly Chelsea?), But He Isn’t Telling…

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By Chris Wright

After a spending a good couple of months releasing a steady slew of salacious soundbites and titillating Twitter teasers (including telling all and sundry that he was house hunting in Cheshire), Lille's queen of tarts, Eden Hazard, seems to have finally decided which club he's to join this summer with Manchester City, Manchester United and Chelsea thought to be the three names vying for his services.

The Premier League Poem 2011/12: Season Revisited In Rhyme (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Enjoy...

Great work from a chap called Spencer

League Two Play-Off Final: Cheltenham 0-2 Crewe – Nick Powell Scores Belter As Railwaymen Triumph At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The half-time reenactment of the fireplace scene from 'Women In Love' went down a treat

Bathed in withering sun, Crewe beat Cheltenham in the League Two Play-Off Final at Wembley yesterday afternoon to snag themselves a berth in League One next season, with the latest wunderkind to roll off the Railwaymen's production line, 18-year old Nick Powell, opening proceedings with an absolute belter of a goal darting away from two defenders with his first touch and then lashing a shot across the Cheltenham goal.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Practises Golf Swing By Whacking Balls At Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's fairly common knowledge that Rafael van der Vaart and Zlatan Ibrahimovic despise each other, stemming back from an incident years ago during an international friendly in 2004 where the latter went through the former with a horrendous tackle that left the pair teetering dangerously on becoming 'mortal enemies' with Zlatan even once going on record as saying he 'wished he'd broken Van der Vaart's legs.

Singer Victoria Zarlenga Destroys National Anthem Before USA’s Friendly vs Scotland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which singist Victoria Zarlenga treats the record crowd at the EverBank Field in Jacksonville to an ungodly rendition of 'The Star-Spangled Banner' before the USA's 5-1 friendly tonking of Scotland on Saturday wrestling the US national anthem into submission with patriotic gusto.

Retro Football: Boris Johnson’s Headfirst Charity Spear Tackle On Maurizio Gaudino, 2006 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After watching Teddy Sheringham's majestic chop-block tackle on Gordon Ramsey (who left the field being given oxygen on a spinal board) during the Soccer Aid charity game last night, one moment immediately came to mind the day that Tory fop Boris Johnson committed a grevious act upon former Germany international Maurizio Gaudino's person during a Legend's match back in 2006.

England Win Again In Surreal Celeb Soccer Aid Malarkay At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celebrities from A-List to Z-List were crammed into the hallowed stands of Old Trafford like superstar sardines on Sunday night as the well-meaning yet quite bizarre Soccer Aid came to town.

England, captained by Robbie Williams' full-time professional mate, Jonathan Wilkes, could call upon the likes of Teddy Sheringham, Graeme Le Saux, Paddy McGuinness and a few chaps from JLS.

Friendly: Mexico 2-0 Wales – Coleman Gets Off To Losing Start In New York City (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Shorn of stars such as Gareth Bale and Joe Ledley, Wales went down by two goals to nil against Mexico in Chris Coleman's first game as manager.

Playing in sweltering heat at the MetLife Stadium in New York, Mexico were much the better side and went ahead towards the end of the first half after totally dominating the game.

Friendly: Norway 0-1 England – Roy’s Boys Get Off To Winning Start In Oslo (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norway 0-1 England International Friendly 26th May 2012

England secured their first win against Norway in 32 years on Saturday evening, courtesy of a single goal from Ashley Young. The United wideman netted superbly inside 10 minutes to give Roy Hodgson a winning start to his England reign, although overall, the Three Lions were rather sloppy in possession.

Friendly: Ireland 1-0 Bosnia & Herzegovina – McClean Starts But McGeady Makes Biggest Impression (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Republic of Ireland 1-0 Bosnia & Herzegovina Friendly 26th May 2012

Giovanni Trapattoni is getting a rather decent squad of players together, and against Bosnia & Herzegovina in Dublin, another gifted young Irishman made his first start for the Republic.

Javi Martinez Attempts To Strip Andres Iniesta Of His Shirt During Copa Del Rey Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona beat Athletic Bilbao 3-0 (both sets of fans Catalan and Basque booed the Spanish national anthem) to win the Copa Del Rey in Pep's final game in charge last night, with Lionel Messi scoring his 73rd goal of the season sandwiched between a brace from Pedro all inside the first 25 minutes.

Javi Martinez Attempts To Strip Andres Iniesta Of His Shirt During Copa Del Rey Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona beat Athletic Bilbao 3-0 (both sets of fans Catalan and Basque booed the Spanish national anthem) to win the Copa Del Rey in Pep's final game in charge last night, with Lionel Messi scoring his 73rd goal of the season sandwiched between a brace from Pedro all inside the first 25 minutes.

Javier Zanetti Performs On ‘Indonesian Idol’ Talent Show, Is About As Good As You’d Expect (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things Javier Zanetti is good at:

1. Parting his hair with precision
2. Sprinting 85-yards in the 90th minute to win corners
3. Making men half his age look like work-shy fops

Things Javier Zanetti is not good at:

1.

Javier Zanetti Performs On ‘Indonesian Idol’ Talent Show, Is About As Good As You’d Expect (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things Javier Zanetti is good at:

1. Parting his hair with precision
2. Sprinting 85-yards in the 90th minute to win corners
3. Making men half his age look like work-shy fops

Things Javier Zanetti is not good at:

1.

Arsenal Target Olivier Giroud’s Best Bits From 2011/12 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Montpellier, a club akin to Wolves in size and financial power, pulled off a fantastic shock in Ligue 1 this season, beating moneybags PSG to the French title and showing that, despite the Chelsea and Man City's of this world, it is still possible to succeed without some rich geezer spunking bazillions on his latest plaything.

My Word, Ray Wilkins In Line For Manager’s Post At West Brom

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By Alan Duffy

Former QPR and Fulham boss Ray 'Razor'/'Butch' Wilkins is in line for a return to management courtesy of the empty hot-seat at the Hawthorns.

The former Chelsea, Man Utd and Milan midfielder has been in talks with West Brom over the job, although there remain a number of other strong contenders for the job.

Snapshot: Lusty Pep Guardiola Issues Open Seduction Challenge

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By Chris Wright

In which Pep Guardiola suddenly comes over all 'Mrs Robinson'...

Oh Pep, you sly horndog! Don't mind if I do...

Image: Sky Sports

Umbro Bring Us Five Emotional Minutes Of Gazza Reliving His England Career (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As the first installment of their 'Faces of England' project, Umbro have had Paul Gascoigne recount his England career which, for him, is no mean feat reliving the defiant pride and the dizzying passion of his time with the national team in candid detail.

Pies’ Six Proposed Alternatives To The Penalty Shootout

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By Chris Wright

FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter has hinted this morning that he and his minions are looking at alternative methods to decide games after the inhumane cruelty of penalty shootouts caused him to wake up screaming in a cold sweat, leaving him needing a few hours in his onyx meditation chamber to stop the palpitations.

Euro 2012: All 32 Home & Away Kits For Euro 2012 – Your ‘Cut Out And Keep’ Guide (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With just 14 days one English fortnight left until the whole shebang gets underway out in Poland and Ukraine, here's your handy, cut-out-and-keep guide to all the 32 outfield strips to be worn at Euro 2012 starting at the top of Group A with the Czech Republic.

Pies’ Five Proposed Alternatives To The Penalty Shootout

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By Chris Wright

FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter has hinted this morning that he and his minions are looking at alternative methods to decide games after the inhumane cruelty of penalty shootouts caused him to wake up screaming in a cold sweat, leaving him needing a few hours in his onyx meditation chamber to stop the palpitations.

Nani Beatboxes During Press Conference, Looks Slightly Frightened While Doing So (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There is pretty much nothing nuhthin on this Earth more embarrassing to behold than beatboxing. I'll say it again: Nothing. It's terrible. Cringe-inducing. Down their with mime and interpretive dance in terms of artistic endeavor.

Caption This: Roberto Martinez & John W. Henry Pop Out For Coffee In Miami

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "This summer's blockbuster: Rob Martinez and John W. Henry star in 'Slacks and the City'"

You say?

(Thanks to Pies fan @lumpy_dough for the nudge)

Caption This: Roberto Martinez & John W. Henry Pop Out For Coffee In Miami

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "This summer's blockbuster: Rob Martinez and John W. Henry star in 'Slacks and the City'"

You say?

(Thanks to Pies fan @lumpy_dough for the nudge)

John Ruddy Out Of England’s Euro 2012 Squad With Broken Finger

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By Chris Wright

Oh cruel fate, how thy mock. John Ruddy has been ruled out of Euro 2012 after breaking a finger during England's training session at the Etihad yesterday, with 19-year old Birmingham 'keeper Jack Butland now set to join the England squad in his place.

John Ruddy Out Of England’s Euro 2012 Squad With Broken Finger

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By Chris Wright

Oh cruel fate, how thy mock. John Ruddy has been ruled out of Euro 2012 after breaking a finger during England's training session at the Etihad yesterday, with 19-year old Birmingham 'keeper Jack Butland now set to join the England squad in his place.

Holland Players Star In Baffling ‘Happy Birdies’ Euro 2012 Promo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just before every major tournament, supermarkets in Holland go big in giving away little Oranje doodads to customers who buy their body weight in groceries (read: crates of beer), e.g, it all started with 'Wuppies' in 2006, before the whole nation became bunged up with these fuzzy little critters ahead of the 2010 World Cup it's a tradition that is slowly driving the Dutch insane.

England Rated Worse Than Shakhtar Donetsk By Stats Boffins

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By Alan Duffy

They say you can prove anything with statistics and the latest statistical boffinry to throw us a cureveball comes courtesy of statty men and women Infostrada, who have thrown lots of games and facts and figures into a big magical computing machine, with some interesting results coming out the other end.

Eight-Year Old Lad Scores Wondergoal After Replacing Russian Veteran Vadim Evseev In Final Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Russian veteran Vadim Evseev is subbed off after an hour of his final game before retirement (a testimonial that saw his Russian XI play a 'World XI' featuring the likes of Roberto Carlos, Valery Karpin and Sergei Rebrov) to be replaced by the eight-year old son of a local businessman who duly tears up the World XI defence, racing through on goal, evading challenge after despairing challenge before rolling the ball home to pull one back for Evseev's side.

Snapshot: Every Single Bayern Munich Shirt Goes On Display At New Museum (With Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Bayern Munich have just opened their snazzy new 'FC Bayern Erlebniswelt' ('The Bayern Munich Experience) museum at the Allianz Arena for the first time, which has over 400 exhibits representing the entire history of the club including vintage tickets, matchballs, a scale cutaway model of the stadium, replicas of every trophy the club have ever won and this corking display of every shirt the club has ever worn in one huge glass case (click thumb for brilliant full-size image).

England Train In Sweltering Sun At The Etihad Ahead Of Norway Friendly (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few photos of the England mob being put through their paces by Roy Hodgson and Gary Neville in the blazing Manchester sunshine ahead of Saturday's pre-Euro 2012 friendly against Norway at the Etihad...

Photos: PA (more  to be added as they filter through)

Top 10 ‘Worth A Punt’ Free Agents Floating Around This Summer

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen several sides hemorrhaging players over the past week or so, with the likes of Bolton and Sunderland parting company with 22 players between them, while poor old Macclesfield Town even went as far as releasing 21 players from a squad of just 33 on Monday following their relegation from the Football League.

Retro Football: ‘I’d Piss In The Pope’s Ass’ – Eric Cantona Doles Out Extreme Papal Unpleasantries On Live French TV (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis King Eric's 49th birthday today, so we thought we'd celebrate by revisiting his finest hour; his appearance on live French debate show Coté Tribune back in  2001 in which, while under questioning about his infamous kung-fu assault at Selhurst Park, Cantona takes flight after being riled by a journalist describing said incident as 'unforgivable', a rant which ultimately sees him vowing to do the Pope an extreme urinary disservice then promising every journalist in the land the same treatment.

Retro Football: ‘I’d Piss In The Pope’s Ass’ – Eric Cantona Doles Out Extreme Papal Unpleasantries On Live French TV (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis King Eric's 49th birthday today, so we thought we'd celebrate by revisiting his finest hour; his appearance on live French debate show Coté Tribune back in  2001 in which, while under questioning about his infamous kung-fu assault at Selhurst Park, Cantona takes flight after being riled by a journalist describing said incident as 'unforgivable', a rant which ultimately sees him vowing to do the Pope an extreme urinary disservice then promising every journalist in the land the same treatment.

New Man City 2012/13 Home & Away Kits Leaked – No Alarms, No Surprises (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We have it on fairly good authority that these are the shirts that Manchester City are going to set about defending their Premier League title in next season the home strip being predominantly two-tone, in sky blue (though a duller shade than previous) and black while the vintage-style away strip is burgundy in a nod to the shirt worn by City in the 1956 FA Cup Final and sadly not the classy maroon affair from 1989/90.

Wojciech Szczesny Larks About In Poland Training, Scores Impressive Rabona Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Nothing 'John Terry' about this whatsoever: Wojciech Szczesny mucking around with a few kick-ups before a Poland training session, then clipping a sweet rabona shot in off the far post...

Not bad, not bad at all. Definitely better than this muppet.

Micah Richards Feels Roy’s Wrath, Is Snubbed By Hodgson After Stand-By Sulk

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By Alan Duffy

Man City's Micah Richards has been overlooked by new England boss Roy Hodgson for England's upcoming Norway friendly, with Liverpool man Martin Kelly getting a surprise call-up instead.

It seems that Richards was none too pleased to firstly be excluded from Hodgson's 23-man squad for Euro 2012 and then to learn that, while Hodgson had phoned the other players on the stand-by list, he hadn't called the City star.

Manuel Almunia Released By Arsenal As The Great Gunners Fire Sale Begins…

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 By Alan Duffy

After initially ousting Jens Lehmann between the posts for Arsenal, Spanish 'keeper Manuel Almunia never really impressed enough to secure the no.1 jersey for the Gunners. Now, after spending over a season on the sidelines, the 35-year-old has finally been released by Arsene Wenger.

David Beckham Shills For Samsung, Plays Beethoven’s ‘Ode To Joy’ On Drums With His Balls (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bursting at the seams with enough edits to sink a battleship, but a fairly cool little advert none-the-less which sees David Beckham playing Beethoven's Ode To Joy on his drum wall using nothing but his balls to flog Samsung's new Galaxy widget...

More Photos Of New Barcelona Kits In Full – Iniesta REALLY Likes His New Away Strip (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Time to put the welding goggles back on, as we've managed to get our hands on a few more photos of the new Barcelona kits, this time in their full monstrous majesty as modelled by Thiago Alcantara and Andres Iniesta, who is sporting the clearest 'I really don't want to be here, doing this' smile we've seen in quite some time.

Arjen Robben Booed By Peeved Bayern Munich Fans During Holland Friendly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Bugger, probably should've scored that"

Last night Bayern Munich played Holland in an unfortunately timed and largely meaningless friendly at the Allianz Arena which was set up in order to compensate the German side for the hamstring twang that Arjen Robben aggravated at the 2010 World Cup an injury which forced him to miss the first two months of the following season, despite Bayern pleading with the KNVB not to play him in South Africa.

Wojciech Szczesny Reveals Arsenal Players Use ‘John Terry’ As Codeword For Girls Of An Unsightly Nature

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By Chris Wright

Wojciech Szczesny has revealed that, while on nights out, several of the Arsenal players have taken to using John Terry's name as a code word for ladies unpleasing to thine eye, e.g , 'would you just look at John Terry over there, face like a bucket of smashed crabs.

Wojciech Szczesny Reveals Arsenal Players Use ‘John Terry’ As Codeword For Girls Of An Unsightly Nature

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By Chris Wright

Wojciech Szczesny has revealed that, while on nights out, several of the Arsenal players have taken to using John Terry's name as a code word for ladies unpleasing to thine eye, e.g , 'would you just look at John Terry over there, face like a bucket of smashed crabs.

Suwon Bluewings’ Eddy Bosnar Leathers Home 75mph Exocet Freekick vs Ulsan Hyundai (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Suwon Bluewings' Aussie centre-half Eddy Bosnar leathers home an absolute monster freekick against Ulsan Hyundai in the South Korean top flight...

F**king Aida! How did the ball not just liquefy on contact? 123km/h (approx 75mph) if you were wondering.

Suwon Bluewings’ Eddy Bosnar Leathers Home 75mph Exocet Freekick vs Ulsan Hyundai (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Suwon Bluewings' Aussie centre-half Eddy Bosnar leathers home an absolute monster freekick against Ulsan Hyundai in the South Korean top flight...

F**king Aida! How did the ball not just liquefy on contact? 123km/h (approx 75mph) if you were wondering.

Barcelona Unveil New 2012/13 Kits – Home Is Nasty, Away Is Assault On Retinas (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Here we go folks, the new Barcelona strips for 2012/13 and it's no wonder Pep got out when he did, these things are not retina-friendly, with the home kit featuring that 'blaugrana colour fuse' detail that we saw in the early mock-ups and the away kit being a blazing orangey-yellow thing an homage to 'Barca's effervescent style of play' the 'city's mix of culture, architecture, style and art'.

Barcelona Unveil New 2012/13 Kits – Home Is Nasty, Away Is Assault On Retinas (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Here we go folks, the new Barcelona strips for 2012/13 and it's no wonder Pep got out when he did, these things are not retina-friendly, with the home kit featuring that 'blaugrana colour fuse' detail that we saw in the early mock-ups and the away kit being a blazing orangey-yellow thing an homage to 'Barca's effervescent style of play' the 'city's mix of culture, architecture, style and art'.

This Way For The Worst Touchline Trickery You’re Ever Likely To Witness! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is Mohamed Ghaddar, a Lebanese player who is currently employed by Kelantan FA in the Malaysian Super League though, with footwork like this, a move to one of Europe's big hitters surely beckons for 'The Malaysian Neymar'...

Yep.

Topless Women’s Rights Activists Snatch Euro 2012 Trophy In Ukraine (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

The boob is mightier than the sword

A local activist group called 'Femen' decided to hijack the exhibiting of the Euro 2012 trophy in Kiev by trying to nick the trophy as well as flashing a breast or two in protest.

The group are concerned about the potential increase in human trafficking ad prostitution during the Euro 2012 finals and so decided to make a topless stand in protest.

‘I Must Go Now, For My Work Here Is Done’ – Didier Drogba Confirms Chelsea Departure

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By Chris Wright

"I must go now, for my work here is done"

As some fella once said: Go out on top and always leave 'em wanting more. Didier Drogba has just confirmed via the Chelsea website that, after eight long years at the club, he is to leave Stamford Bridge on a free transfer when his contract dwindles to nothing on June 30th:

"I wanted to put an end the speculation and confirm that I am leaving Chelsea.

Jose Mourinho Pens New Deal With Real Madrid, Aston Villa’s Search Continues

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By Alan Duffy

Fans of Chelsea, Liverpool and er, Aston Villa (maybe), will all no doubt be disappointed by the news that Mr. Special One has decided to stay with La Liga champs Real Madrid for another four years by way of signing a two-year contract extension up until 2016.

‘I Give Myself 10 Out Of 10′ – Cristiano Ronaldo Doles Out Humble End Of Season Ratings

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Chris Wright

"Shit ball Mesut, I'll be knocking a mark off for that"

It's hard to argue that Cristiano Ronaldo has had a mind-scramblingly good season this year, scoring a gigajillion goals in Real Madrid's La Liga title-winning campaign and pulling his side out of the mire on several occasions and, boy does he know it.

‘It’s Good To Dream’ – ITV Sport Plug Euro 2012 Coverage With Healthy Dose Of ‘What If?’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As in, 'what if England hadn't been complete tripe for the past 40 years?' well, it turns out, we'd be referring to him as Sir Andy Sinton these days....

The video has already racked up 25,000 views on Youtube. We imagine around 15,000 of them are Gareth Southgate clicking 'replay' from the 1:05 mark over and over again with tears streaming down his face.

10 Excellent Photos Of George Best In His Ãœber Cool Pomp

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By Chris Wright

On this day in 1946, one George Best was born in Belfast and a footballing icon was bequeathed unto the world. Happy 66th George!

As seen here in these brilliant archive photos from his late 60s/early 70s pomp, the man defined footballing cool up until it all sadly caught up with and duly got the better of him in later life (click any image for the full-size version).

Fitba Thatba’s Musical Review Of ‘The Best Season Ever!’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The 2011/12 season's been and gone, now let's all go outside and kick the living daylights out of some sodding fruit! Humdi-mjahmjah-MANCINI!

More insane greatness from Fitba Thatba.

Fitba Thatba’s Musical Review Of ‘The Best Season Ever!’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The 2011/12 season's been and gone, now let's all go outside and kick the living daylights out of some sodding fruit! Humdi-mjahmjah-MANCINI!

More insane greatness from Fitba Thatba.

Horror Hair: Montpellier President Louis Nicollin Vowed To Have Orange Mohawk If Club Won Ligue 1…

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By Chris Wright

With an annual budget of just £27 million, little Montpellier beat Auxerre to win their first ever Ligue 1 title on the final day of the French season at the weekend, knocking nouvelle riche fatcats Paris Saint-Germain back into second spot in the process which meant that, courtesy of a bold wager made back in April, Montpellier's owner, 68-year old businessman Louis Nicollin, had to do this to his hair (orange and blue being MHSC's club colours).

Snapshot: Sky Sports Come Up With Magnificent, Puntastic Headline

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Often lambasted and mocked, Sky Sports and its army of writers deserve a bit of credit after coming up with a rather fine headline for a piece on Gillingham and their decision to release, amongst others, former Arsenal man Jo Kuffour.

Sometimes silly puns are all we need.

Prankster Convinces BBC Radio Five Live That He’s Nabbed Champions League Final Matchball (Video)

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By Chris Wright

On Saturday night, a chap by the name of Robin Cooper made it onto BBC Five Live's 606 phone-in and claimed that he had in his possession the Champions League Final matchball after smuggling out of the Allianz Arena after the game and that he was going to get it home through German customs by labelling it as 'seismology equipment' a yarn that had host Alan Green appearing to believe every word.

Nike Barbershop: Proof (If Proof Were Needed) That Mario Balotelli Would Look Great With A Large Mullet

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By Chris Wright

Bet you a barm cake to a wine gum, you'll love this one of the 'hidden tunnels' that you may have missed from Nike's new 'My Time Is Now' ad sees Mario Balotelli (along with Mamadou Sakho and Javier Pastore) visiting the barbershop to try out a number of new looks; including a superb, picture-book mullet which makes him look like an extra from Road House which is a good thing in our book.

War Breaks Out Over Europe As China’s ‘Now TV’ Release Awesomely Baffling Euro 2012 Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With only 18 days to go until it all cracks off in Poland and Ukraine, China's Euro 2012 television rights holders Now TV have rolled out a new anime-style advert to tantalise the nation an advert which sees post-apocalyptic renderings of European landmarks such as the Colosseum, the Eiffel Tower and the Houses Of Parliament reduced to smouldering rubble, followed by a football match and a lovely song, followed by a sequence which sees all-out war break out over the previously mentioned European landmarks as soldiers, tanks and bombers further raze the continent to the ground only to be defeated by the footballers and their powerful slide tackles THEN a rainbow lion descends from the sky and makes the world fall apart just before the winning goal gets lashed in.

Fernando Torres Provide Worst Rendition Of ‘We Are The Champions’ You’re Likely To Hear Today (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see footage from Chelsea's victory parade (can footballers not go anywhere without their sodding massive novelty headphones on?), wherein Fernando Torres who has gone on record today sullenly stating that starting the final from the bench was one of the 'biggest disappointments of his career' plies the thronging West London crowd with the most off-key rendition of 'We Are The Champions' they're likely to hear for a good while (skip to 1:25 for Nando's warbling).

Snapshot: Boca Juniors Coach Julio Cesar Falcioni Is Not Amused

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By Chris Wright

Grim...

...and that's shortly after Lucas Viatri had put Boca 1-0 up over Racing Club in the Argentinian Clausura at the weekend. Imagine his face when he stubs his toe on the divan or his goldfish goes down the toilet to goldfish heaven.

Don't worry though, Falcioni doesn't always look like such a miserable sod.

‘I Woke Up In The Bath With A Totally Blank Mind’ – Nicklas Bendtner Claims To Have Been Drugged On Night Out

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By Chris Wright

Talking to Danish magazine Cover Man, Nicklas Bendtner has claimed to have been the victim of a deliberately spiked drink, recalling one particular night out at London nightclub Boujis last year that saw the bleary-eyed Dane papped with his trousers around his ankles while attempting to leave the scene without attracting any undue attention an incident which later cost him two weeks' wages.

‘I Woke Up In The Bath With A Totally Blank Mind’ – Nicklas Bendtner Claims To Have Been Drugged On Night Out

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By Chris Wright

Talking to Danish magazine Cover Man, Nicklas Bendtner has claimed to have been the victim of a deliberately spiked drink, recalling one particular night out at London nightclub Boujis last year that saw the bleary-eyed Dane papped with his trousers around his ankles while attempting to leave the scene without attracting any undue attention an incident which later cost him two weeks' wages.

Falcao Scores Another Fantastic Acrobatic Ripper vs America De Cali (Video)

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By Chris Wright

But four days after clipping home a business class scissor kick against Millionarios on Atletico Madrid's friendly tour of Colombia, Falcao's been at again belting home another superb acrobatic effort in a 2-1 win over America de Cali.

David Luiz Got A Little Bit Tipsy After Champions League Final Victory (Video)

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By Chris Wright

David Luiz, pissed as a crimped fart!

Via Sport Mediaset

Gary Neville Enjoys Another Epic Scoregasm Over Drogba’s Goal vs Bayern Munich (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It would appear that this is a 'thing' now...

Unbelievable.

Here's the original should you wish to compare and contrast for some strange reason.

Snapshot: Bayern Munich Fans Come Dressed As Franck Ribery

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By Chris Wright

Here we see Bayern Munich fans attending the Champions League Final dressed as Franck Ribery with an impressive attention to detail...

My morale compass ain't quite sure if this is funny or offensive so I ain't saying a goddamn thing.

Photo: Getty

Snapshot: Chelsea Are The 2012 Champions League Winners!

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By Chris Wright

Bloody Nora! Chelsea are THE CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPIONS!

Conclusions and reactions up shortly!

XI Conclusions: Champions League Final – Bayern Munich 1-1 Chelsea (Pens 3-4)

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 By Chris Wright

1. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him maybe you can hire: Didier Drogba. Didier...f**king...Drogba. Nine cup finals, nine goals and a winning penalty in a Champions League final.

2.

Horror Hair: Salomon Kalou’s Champions League ‘Spider’ Topiary

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By Chris Wright

Sorry Sally, but that's bloody awful son...

Camp Drog says...

"Bitch please! No under-cut? No deal!"

Champions League Final: Lady Fan Chooses Worst Possible Moment To Pick Her Nose

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By Chris Wright

Don't worry love, only 80 bajillion people just saw you mining for nose gold...

Go on, pick us a winner!

Blackpool 1-2 West Ham – Vaz Te Fires Hammers Back Into The Big Time (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackpool 1-2 West Ham United Premier League 19th May 2012

A late Ricardo Vaz Te strike secured a return to the Premier League for West Ham after a fantastic Championship play-off final at Wembley.

Carlton Cole opened the scoring for the Hammers on 35 minutes after Blackpool had missed a number of superb chances to take the lead.

Champions League Final Flashback – Barcelona 3-1 Man Utd, 2011 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With just a few hours to go until the biggy kicks off in Munich, we thought we'd have a little look back at last year's Champions League final a game which saw Barcelona well and truly paddle Man Utd's little pink botties at Wembley on May 28th, 2011.

Pies Classics: 25 Brilliant Vintage European Cup Final Photos

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By Chris Wright

A classic from the archives, here's 25 beautiful shots from European Cup Finals past because, as Paul Simon once said, everything looks better in black and white...

A young Martin O'Neil sits at the back of the bus as Nottingham Forest parade the European Cup trophy along the Trent Embankment after beating Malmo in the 1979 final

Peter Shilton, Trevor Francis, Larry Lloyd, Ian Bowyer et al celebrate Nottingham Forest's 1979 European Cup win a feat they also repeated the following year

King Kenny wakes up with the European Cup in his bed after scoring the winning goal against Club Brugge in the previous night's final, 1978

Bayern Munich's Georg Schwarzenbeck tackles St Etienne's Herve Revelli (r) from behind as Munich goalkeeper Sepp Maier looks on, 1976

St Etienne's Gerard Janvion (r) blocks a shot from Bayern Munich's Uli Hoeness, 1976

St Etienne goalkeeper Ivan Curkovic saves at the feet of Bayern Munich's Gerd Muller, 1976

Leeds scrappers Joe Jordan and Billy Bremner pick a fight with Bayern Munich's Gerd Muller, 1975

Gerd Muller celebrates Bayern Munich's 2-0 victory over Leeds United in the 1975 final

After thrashing Atletico Madrid 4-0 in the 1974 final replay, Bayern Munich pair Johnny Hansen and Gerd Muller watch the reaction of the fans as Der Kaiser lifts the trophy

Bayern Munich's Paul Breitner is foiled by Atletico Madrid goalkeeper Reina, 1974

Ajax (Johan Cruyff first row, second from right) line up prior to the 1971 European Cup Final against Panathinaikos at Wembley

Liz Samain, grandmother of Chelsea legend Ron 'Chopper' Harris, stands proudly with the European Cup.

‘Solskjaer Enjoyed A Lot Of Sex In England’ – BBC Report Contains Unfortunate Slip Of The Tongue

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By Chris Wright

A Freudian tit on the BBC? The press standards in this country are going to the dongs...

Fnarf fnarf, she said sex.

Well, This Is Awkward – Chelsea Train In Allianz Arena Ahead Of Champions League Final (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Things are getting serious awkward...

"And....stretch"

Photos: PA

Burly Hitman Grant Holt Get Ahead Of Himself, Has Transfer Request Rejected By Norwich

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By Alan Duffy

Barcelona here I come!

Norwich City have enjoyed a superb first season back in the top tier, thanks in part to the goalscoring heroics of their player of the year Grant Holt, a player who not so long ago was plying his trade in League Two.

‘My Time Is Now’ – Nike Unleash Natty Interactive Viral For Euro 2012 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hot on the heels of 'Write The Future' (remember Rooney's beard?) comes Nike's latest major tournament bells-and-whistles big-budget viral, 'My Time Is Now', starring the like of Sneijder, Ribery, Van der Vaart, Ozil, Ronaldo, Neymar, Iniesta, Pique, Pato, Old Uncle Tom Cobley, etc, etc, etc.

Bosnian Second Division Side Perfectly Execute Infamous Henry/Pires Penalty Balls-Up (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Introduced to the world by the Ajax duo of Johan Cruyff and Jesper Olsen in 1982 Â and then totally messed up by Arsenal's Thierry Henry and Robert Pires in 2005 (see above), the famous two-man penalty kick trick has once again reared its cheeky head, this time in the less glamorous environs of the Bosnia & Herzegovina Second Division.

Champions League Final Predictions: Bayern Munich vs Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

The Allianz Arena decked out in its pre-Final livery

With just 116,379 seconds or so to go until the Champions League Final kicks-off in Munich tomorrow evening (k/o 19:45 BST), we thought it high time to get some scores on the doors - even the llama's had his say for Christ's sake.

Smart New Blackburn Shirt To Be Sold Without Sponsor – Can Be Ironed On At Later Date

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: the best thing that Blackburn have done in a while, they're really rather gorgeous new Umbro strip for 2012/13...

Notice something missing there? That's right, the Championship arm patches.

You may have also noticed the lack of sponsor.

Man City To Commemorate Title Win By Turning City Streets Blue – Plan ‘Blue Tarmac’ Tribute

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By Chris Wright

Something like that anyway

Manchester City Council have announced that the city is to commemorate Manchester City's (are you still following?) first title win for 44 years by quite literally painting the town blue.

The plan is to turn the streets of Moss Side blue by laying coloured tarmac.

All 37 Robin Van Persie 2011/12 Arsenal Goals Inside Two-And-A-Half Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A neat little compilation to serve as a reminder that RVP's scored some absolute belters this year y'know, in case you'd forgotten...

Video: RVP372comps

Man City’s Female Photographer Gets Crushed Under World’s Most Expensive Pile On! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, shortly after Nigel de Jong had run amok with an inflatable dolphin, Man City's club photographer Sharon Latham finds herself on the wrong end of the world's most expensively assembled 'Pile on!' during the club's giddy title celebrations last weekend.

Snapshot: Brendan Rodgers Rejects Liverpool On Grounds Of ‘Not Being A Miracle Worker’

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By Chris Wright

Swansea manager Brendan Rodgers has officially turned down an interview for the vacant Liverpool job this morning, opting to continue with his admirable work in South Wales instead presumably because he reckons there ain't enough ballast in the world to reverse the fortunes of that particular sinking ship.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer All But Certain To Be Appointed Aston Villa Manager

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By Chris Wright

'Ello Ole

It would appear for all the world like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is about to be appointed as the new Aston Villa manager this morning. It's all still a bit 2+2=∑ at the moment, but according to Sky Sports News, Randy Lerner's private jet has been spotted in Norway and Solskjaer himself wasn't present at Molde training this morning.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer All But Certain To Be Appointed Aston Villa Manager

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By Chris Wright

'Ello Ole

It would appear for all the world like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is about to be appointed as the new Aston Villa manager this morning. It's all still a bit 2+2=∑ at the moment, but according to Sky Sports News, Randy Lerner's private jet has been spotted in Norway and Solskjaer himself wasn't present at Molde training this morning.

Psychic Llama Predicts Champions League Final Result – Put Everything You Own On Chelsea (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember Il Pulpo Paul? The mystic octopus who was denounced by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and then secretly assassinated by the CIA after 'predicting' a stack of results at the 2010 World Cup? Remember? Paul? Okay? Well now forget him, because there's a new psychic animal in town a llama from Ashdown Forest Llama Park in east Sussex (of course he's going to be a Chelsea fan).

Man Utd Make Slight Balls-Up Of New Kit Launch, Illustrate ‘Made Of Manchester’ Promo With Photo Of Oldham

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United's new Gingham home kit, for better or worse, has been designed to reflect the city's industrial heritage so much so, in fact, that the motto 'Forged in Industry, Striving for Glory' is stitched inside the collar. Isambard Kingdom Brunell would wet himself.

Liverpool Supremo John Henry Adds Insult To Injury, Unfollows King Kenny After Sacking Kop Idol

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By Alan Duffy

"Poke me again on Facebook and I'll block you, Kenneth"

Poor old Kenny Dalglish. Not only does he have to deal with the trauma of unemployment in middle-age, but now he has been forced to endure the ultimate social media humiliation, after Liverpool overlord John W Henry decided to unfollow him on Twitter soon after giving him the elbow from Anfield.

Jack Wilshere To Undergo Another Operation – Minor Hindrance Or Worrying Development?

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By Alan Duffy

Touted as England's shiny new talisman only a year ago, Arsenal schemer Jack Wilshere has seen his whole season pass by without kicking a ball in anger. While he was expected to be ready for the start of the 2012/13 campaign, news that the youngster is to undergo yet another operation is sure to have both Arsenal and England fans worrying about the midfielder's long-term future.

Falcao Keeps On Keeping On, Scores Brilliant Scissor Kick vs Millionarios (Video)

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Chris Wright

Falcao doing what he does best cracking in a sweet scissor kick for Atletico Madrid in their 2-1 friendly win over Millionarios in Colombia...

Prolific.

Video: 101GG

10 Mooted Transfers We Demand To See This Summer

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By Chris Wright

Excuse us while Pies go all 'Veruca Salt' for a while, but here are ten of the rumoured transfers that have been doing the rounds for the last few weeks that we demand to see materialise during the coming summer...

1. Alessandro Del Piero Juventus to Arsenal/Tottenham: Done and dusted at Juventus after 19 years of unwavering idolisation, Del Piero has probably already received his fair share of tempting offers to go and wind-down to retirement in an affluent footballing backwater somewhere in exchange for £500,000 a week though the man himself has openly flirted with the idea of one last hurrah in Europe.

Bar Refaeli Wears Barcelona Shirt In Privacy Of Own Home, Sparks Obligatory ‘Pique Affair’ Rumours

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By Chris Wright

Bar Refaeli is a model. Hell, she may even be a supermodel for all we know. You may be familiar with her work. She wears clothes and stands places for a living. Here she is, probably wearing the least fashionable thing that has ever graced her dainty frame an old Barcelona shirt.

Shit Lookalikes: Dedryck Boyata & Sidney Poitier

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By Chris Wright

Boyata plays at the back for Bolton.

Poitier is just about the coolest mo-effin'-fo that ever lived. In fact, he's so cool that he only ever appears in black and white. He also directed 'Ghost Dad', the worst film of 1990.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Man Utd Release Michael Owen Directly After Fluffing Glorious Sitter In Testimonial Game

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By Chris Wright

Michael Owen has, as of a few minutes ago, announced that Manchester United have decided not to offer him a new contract and that he will be released as of June 30th having not started a league game since 2010...

That's right, take a holiday son.

Crewe’s Byron Moore Misses Gifted Sitter By An Absolute Mile In League Two Play-Off vs Southend (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Crewe squeaked past Southend United to reach the League Two play-off final, drawing 2-2 at Roots Hall and advancing courtesy of their narrow 1-0 victory in the first leg despite the best efforts of Railwaymen striker Byron Moore to bungle it for his side.

Man City Kitman Poleaxed By Nigel De Jong, Beaten With Inflatable Dolphin (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Man City's kitman, Les 'Chappy' Chapman, finding himself on the rough end of a 'De Jonging' during City's title celebrations...

The poor bugger's been in traction since Sunday.

(Thanks to Pies fan Purva for the tip-off)

Whitecaps’ Wonder Goal Specialist Eric Hassli Returns, Scores Scintillating Volley vs Toronto FC (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For those unaware, it was the first leg of the Amway Canadian Championship Final last night, with Vancouver Whitecaps pulling one back injury time to salvage a late 1-1 draw against Toronto FC at the BC Palace that 'one' being this sublime slashed volley from Whitecaps' Eric Hassli, a man who seems to specialise in this kind of thing.

Joey Barton Takes The Rap For Aguero Attack, Denies Trying To Headbutt Kompany

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By Alan Duffy

Kenny Dalglish wasn't the only ex-Liverpool star having a hard day of it on Wednesday. While King Kenny was clearing out his office, poor old misunderstood intellectual Joey Barton was preparing to fight The FA over a violent conduct charge relating to his meltdown against Man City last weekend.

Kenny Dalglish Dethroned At Liverpool – Who Will Follow The King?

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By Alan Duffy

It's been coming hasn't it? Since Liverpool ended the 2011/12 season with another disappointing performance, this time losing to Swansea, King Kenny has been living on borrowed time. And now, in a (possible) attempt to bury bad news on the day Roy Hodgson named his first England squad, the Anfield top brass have decided to part company with their manager.

Dozy Slovan Bratislava Hooligan Sets Off Flare In His Own Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You know that point in every Warner Bros cartoon ever made, when Elmer Fudd looks into the end of his shotgun to see why it's not firing properly only for it to promptly go off in his face? Presenting, the real life Slovakian Elmer Fudd spotted nearly blinding himself at a Super Liga game between Slovan Bratislava and DAC Dunajska Streda.

Gonzalo Higuain Enters Kuwait With Classic ‘Comedy Door Collision’ Gag (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Middle Eastern airports are a great place for loud slapstick comedy as goalhound Gonzalo Higuain demonstrated on his arrival in Kuwait with the rest of the Real Madrid squad ahead of their friendly against the national side later tonight...

Ace spot from Pies fan Neanderthal

Chelsea Train In The Rain Ahead Of Champions League Final (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Here's a few snapperoos from Chelsea's pre-Champions League Final training session (we strongly urge you to have a gander at the facial expressions in the seventh and eighth photos) at Cobham yesterday afternoon it was a little on the 'damp' side, in fact it absolutely slatted it down.

England Squad For Euro 2012 Announced – Ruddy, Terry, Carroll & The Ox Get The Nod

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By Chris Wright

Roy Hodgson has just completed his first order of business as England manager, announcing the names of the 23 stout Englishmen he wishes to accompany him to the European Championships.

The list, as they say, looks a little like this. In fact, it looks exactly like this.

‘Promotion Or We’ll Kill You All’ – Instituto Team Bus Intercepted, Players Threatened By Own Fans

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By Chris Wright

After spending the majority of the Primera Nacional B season firmly rooted in the top two of Argentina's second division, Insituto dropped out of the automatic promotion places and into third after losing 3-2 to fifth-place Boca Unidos on Monday night a result which saw both River Plate and Rosario Central move above them in the standings.

Snapshot: Pyjama Buddies Per Mertesacker & Gervinho Go Camping!

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By Chris Wright

In what must be the strangest Arsenal photo shoot since they dressed Andrey Arshavin up as a cub scout a couple of years back (again, we think hope it's for the club's annual 'kids camp out on the Emirates pitch' thingamajig), here's the unlikely duo of Per Mertesacker and Gervinho in their dressing gowns and jim-jams getting ready for a super duper slumber party.

Stat Attack: How The La Liga Table Would Look Without Messi And Ronaldo’s 96 Goals

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By Chris Wright

Apropos of nothing in particular other than it being fairly interesting, here's what the 2011/12 La Liga table would look like minus the 96 goals scored by Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo between them...

Messi's fairly important then.

Bundesliga Play-Off Descends Into Chaos As Fortuna Dusseldorf Fans Invade Pitch, Tear Up Turf, All Before Final Whistle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Bundesliga relegation/promotion play-off (the third-bottom team in the Bundesliga play two legs against the side which finished third in 2. Bundesliga) between Fortuna Dusseldorf and Hertha Berlin ended in chaos last night when hordes of Fortuna fans invaded the pitch, let of flares and began tearing up the turf before the final whistle had actually sounded.

Valencia’s Mehmet Topal Tries Bullfighting, Bricks Himself When Bull Charges (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in the kind of off-season excursion that probably hasn't been run past his employers at any stage, Valencia's Mehmet Topal has a bash at a spot of bullfighting.

Faced with a young bull, Topal initially struggles to provoke the damn thing into charging at him, but when he finally gets the veal in motion reality dawns pretty sharpish and the Turkish midfielder bolts, impressively scissoring over the wall of the bullring just before the beef hits the fan.

Snapshot: The Most Powerful Man In The World Meets…Barack Obama

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By Chris Wright

MLS Cup champions LA Galaxy were invited to the White House for the annual winners' ceremony yesterday, with the most powerful man in the world taking time out of his hectic schedule to pose for photos with President Barack Obama...

Obamarama even did a funny during the brief ceremony, cracking a couple of wee jokes about Becks' and his shreddies.

Lithuanian Striker Scores, Celebrates Topless In Adjoining Building Site! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly what it says on the tin ('Rostislav Dyakiv of Kruoja scoring against Zalgiris' if you're interested)...

Fool! You need a hat hard-on.

Top XI: Pies’ 2011/12 Premier League Team Of The Season

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By Chris Wright

No unnecessary spiel, no waffle, no flim-flam, let's just get straight down to brass tacks of the matter at hand presenting: Pies' Premier League Team of the Season for 2011/12...

GK David De Gea, Man Utd:Â De Gea, along with Joe Hart, possesses one of the top two shots-to-saves ratio in the Premier League this year, despite enduring a ropey old start to life at Old Trafford and all the merciless haranguing that goes with it (the gag being that he wasn't taking the criticism well, opting to punch it out for a corner instead).

Sandro Reveals Unlikely Darts Obsession, Gets Pointers From New Pal Bobby George

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By Chris Wright

It's fairly well established that Tottenham midfielder Sandro is pretty ace, what with the dancing in car parks, the 'Beyond the Thunderdome' hair, the semi-naked kung-fu and the gum shields but his latest adventure is coming straight out of the box labelled 'Eh?

The ‘Joey Barton Is An Odious Little #Helmet’ Evidence File Continues To Swell

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By Chris Wright

Joey Barton has come along way. Where once he used to kick out at the world, frothing with bilious, toxic rage; thrashing the living shit out of teenagers outside McDonalds at three in the morning and using people's aqueous humour to stub out his cigars, now he actively looks at paintings and books, each time memorizing their titles, and wears scarves indoor and out even on the mildest of days.

De Graapschaft’s Rogier Meijer Comforted By Young Daughter After Relegation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So sweet it'll make your teeth fall out, here's dejected De Graapshaft midfielder Rogier Meijer being comforted by his cute-as-a-button young daughter Saar on the pitch after his side were relegated from the Eredivisie at the weekend...

All together: "Awwwww!

‘Big Sam Is A F**King Crook’ – Blackburn’s Steve Kean Caught Slagging Off Ex-Rovers’ Boss Allardyce (Video)

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 By Alan Duffy

Ooops. Steve Kean, a man who has been praised throughout the season for his grace under pressure and dignity in difficult circumstances is now in a bit of trouble after a video of him recorded last summer was released to the public. By who, we do not yet know.

Snapshot: Carlos Tevez Holds Up ‘RIP Fergie’ Sign During Man City Victory Parade

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By Alan Duffy

Oh dear. Never the shy, retiring type, ex-United star Carlos Tevez has rubbed some bitchy salt into Fergie's wound by holding aloft an "R.I.P. Fergie' sign during Man City's victory parade through Manchester.

Apparently it's a riposte to Sir Alex's famous answer to the question "would United ever go into a Manchester derby as underdogs?

Nike Unveil Dazzling New ‘Clashes’ Boot Range For Euro 2012 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Blimey! How about those Bobby Dazzlers, eh? Looking like something off the set of Art Attack, what you are seeing shimmering afore ye is Nike's vivid new 'Clashes' colourways for their elite boot lines from left to right; the CTR360, the Tiempo, the T90 Laser and the Mercurial Vapor.

Alex McLeish Sacked By Aston Villa – Pwarp Pwarp Pwaaaarp

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By Chris Wright

The deed is done.

After 11 months of plop, it's now officially 'game over' for Alex McLeish at Aston Villa and if that news surprises you in any way then may we be the first to congratulate you on getting through your first week here on Earth unscathed.

Football GIF: Pinpointing The Exact Millisecond Man Utd Lost The Title

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By Chris Wright

It's like they all sense it in unison, vibes coming all the way across the country...

Via our favouritest GIF merchant Feint Zebra

Gary Neville Appointed To England Coaching Staff On Four-Year Contract

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By Chris Wright

Woo. Did not see that coming.

Days after seeing his 'Barbie Dream Hotel' plans approved, the good news continues to flood in for Gary Neville, who has been appointed as a coach on Roy Hodgson's England staff on a four-year contract with the FA.

Snapshot: Wolves Officially Announce New Manager – Though We Forget His Name…

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By Chris Wright

We jest of course. Stolen Soul Bakery has been officially sworn in as the new Wolves manager as of a press conference at Molineux this morning, and we have the photographic evidence to prove it...

What's the name again chief? Struggling to place you here.

Last Five Minutes Of Man City vs QPR From Outside The Etihad (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Love this: Sad people > Right click > Insert goal > Happy people...

Video: Gazzetta.it

Your Call: Predict Roy Hodgson’s 23-Man England EURO 2012 Squad

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By Chris Wright

Roy Hodgson in 'Mission: Unenviable'

This may stagger you, but England aren't actually favourites to win the European Championships this summer. Don't believe us? Check the Euro 2012 odds here. See? Somehow, however, they are fourth in line (as far as the bookies are concerned) to emerge victorious in Polkraine, which seems a little rich to us but hey-ho.

Alessandro Del Piero Bows Out With Goal And Scudetto In Final Juventus Game (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

On a weekend that saw several venerable insitutions of Italian football moving on (AC Milan waved off Pippo Inzaghi, Clarence Seedorf, Alessandro Nesta, Gennaro Gattuso, Gianluca Zambrotta and Mark van Bommel), one man's final game for his club was just that little bit more grandiose than the rest with Alessandro Del Piero laying down his sword at Juventus after 19 years of service, signing off with a goal (his 289th for the club) on his last appearance for the Old Lady against Atalanta before being subbed off in the 58th-minute to a rapturous ovation.

Sergio Aguero’s Title-Winning Goal, Now With Manic Mexican Musical Commentary (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A new, mellifluous spin on the time-honoured medium of Latin goal commentary...

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTHIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW, KUN AGUERO TURNED THE TITLE RACE ROUND, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE, JUST SIT RIGHT THERE, WHILE I EXPEL ANOTHER HUGE LUNGFUL OF HOT AIRGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Football Manager Awards 2011/12 – Vote In Pies’ Official ‘Technical Area Theatrics’ Award!

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As leagues around the globe sprint towards their thrilling conclusions, we are excited to announce the return of the Football Manager Awards! Celebrating the skills (or fashion) required to do one of the most difficult jobs in the world, fans can now vote for their top footy gaffers of the past year in categories ranging from war of the words (Yes, Mancini does appear) to most successful transfer.

Football Manager Awards 2011/12 – Vote In Pies’ Official ‘Technical Area Theatrics’ Award!

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As leagues around the globe sprint towards their thrilling conclusions, we are excited to announce the return of the Football Manager Awards! Celebrating the skills (or fashion) required to do one of the most difficult jobs in the world, fans can now vote for their top footy gaffers of the past year in categories ranging from war of the words (Yes, Mancini does appear) to most successful transfer.

All Stewart Downing’s Premier League Goals And Assists 2011/12 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hyuk hyuk.

Wigan 3-2 Wolves – Latics Provide One Final Encore In Superb Premier League Escape Act (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 3-2 Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 20th May 2012

Having pulled themselves out the relegation mire before today, Roberto Martinez's Wigan could approach this game against Wolves with the pressure off.

Norwich 2-0 Aston Villa – Villa Fans Protest As Alex McLeish’s Men Go Out With A Whimper At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 2-0 Aston Villa Premier League 20th May 2012

The Canaries finished off a fine first season back in the big time by beating the perennially dismal Aston Villa 2-0 at Carrow Road.

One of the surprise stars of the season, Grant Holt, netted the opener on eight minutes before Simeon Jackson doubled the home side's advantage midway through the first-half.

Chelsea 2-1 Blackburn – Under-Strength Blues Warm Up For Munich With Win At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 20th May 2012

With nothing really to play for in this game for either side, Chelsea fielded a rather under-strength side against Blackburn with the Champions League final on the horizon.

Everton 3-1 Newcastle – Magpies Run Out Of Steam At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 3-1 Newcastle United Premier League 20th May 2012

Alan du Pardew's French/African squad failed to finish on a high after what has been a superb season. Coming into the last day of the season, the Magpies were still in with a shout of a top four berth.

Swansea 1-0 Liverpool – Reds Finish Below Toffees After Liberty Loss (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-0 Liverpool Premier League 20th May 2012

They may have won one cup and made the final of another, but after spending a whole load of cash on the likes of Andy Carroll, Jordan Henderson and Charlie Adam, surely Kenny Dalglish and co.

Tottenham 2-0 Fulham – Spurs Secure Fourth Spot With Derby Win At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Fulham Premier League 20th May 2012

Spurs strolled to a 2-0 victory against Fulham at White Hart Lane, a result which cemented their place in the Champions League qualifiers for next season. It also meant that the Lilywhites ended the season with the best record in London derbies this season.

Stoke 2-2 Bolton – Trotters Trundle Into Championship After Draw At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 2-2 Bolton Wanderers Premier League 20th May 2012

A late penalty from Irish striker Jonathan Walters doomed Bolton to (at least) a season in the Championship after the Trotters could only draw at the Britannia Stadium.

West Brom 2-3 Arsenal – Gunners Grab Third After Fulop Flops For Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion Arsenal Premier League 20th May 2012

Arsenal assistant manager, Pat Rice, on his way to be sacrificed after final game with the Gunners

At fault for all three goals, former Tottenham goalkeeper Marton Fulop topped off the season with West Brom by gifting the Gunners all three points at the Hawthorns in Roy Hodgson's farewell game.

Sunderland 0-1 Man Utd – Victory Over Black Cats Brings No Luck For Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-1 Manchester United Premier League 20th May 2012

While the Etihad Stadium was serving up more drama than an omnibus Corrie, Manchester United were going about their job in impressive fashion at the Stadium of Light.

Man City 3-2 QPR – City Crowned Champions As Etihad Finale Overdoses On Drama (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-2 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 20th May 2012

What a finish that was! Despite going down to 10 man after renowned pacifist Joey Barton lost the plot completely and was sent off, QPR looked to have handed Man Utd the title going in to injury time, courtesy of Jamie Mackie's goal to make it 2-1 (Zabaleta and Cissé netted their side's first goals).

Sh******t! Man City Are The 2011/12 Premier League Winners!

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By Chris Wright

With United 1-0 up at Sunderland, Man City were 2-1 down against QPR and looking all like...

...but then Dzeko and Aguero scored in injury time (City's 43rd and 44th shots of the game) against QPR to make it 3-2...

...and then we were all like.

Football GIF: Card-Carrying Pacifist Joey Barton Sees Red, Nails Sergio Aguero

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By Chris Wright

All this swiftly after being sent-off for kicking Carlos Tevez up in the air.

Radamel Falcao Meets ‘Carla’ The 250kg Bengal Tiger On Vincente Calderon Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Radamel 'El Tigre' Falcao meeting his namesake, 'Carla' the 250kg Bengal tiger, at the Vicente Calderon which, with a game still left to play this season, could be viewed as a wee bit risky on Atletico Madrid's part...

Video: 101GG

David Beckham Wears Ugly Pink Boots, Scores Cracking ‘Beckham’ Freekick vs Montreal Impact (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at these bloody gaudy things? Narsty mate, proper narsty...

Gruesome. That said, Davey Boy still managed to do his thing in them smacking in a trademark freekick to nab a point for the Galaxy in their 1-1 draw with MLS newbies Montreal Impact (in front of a 60,000 crowd at the Olympic Stadium, a record attendance for a football match in Canada).

Johan Elmander Interview Eloquently Sums Up Galatasaray Super Lig Title Win (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Johan Elmander uses his post-match interview to go through the subtle intricacies of Galatasaray's first Super Lig title win since 2003 after their 0-0 draw against Fenerbahce yesterday...

(Warning: contains NSFW language!)

Can't really argue with that!

Man Utd Unveil New 2012/13 Home Kit – The Gingham Monstrosity (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We've had nowt but leaks and teasers so far, but finally we can officially unveil Manchester United's new kit for 2012/13. Here it is folks, the Gingham Monstrosity...

The kit...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 3

Manchester United Nike 2012/13 Kit - Shirt

Detail shots.

Shakhtar Donetsk Coach Mircea Lucescu Doesn’t Take Title-Win Drenching Too Kindly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Shakhtar Donetsk won the Ukrainian Premier League again earlier in the week, with a victory over Oleksandria on the final day of the season putting them four points clear of Dynamo Kiev at the summit. As is the convention with these kind of things, a couple of the Shakhtar players drenched coach Mircea Lucescu with the nearest available liquid a couple of bottles of water though, rather than enter into the spirit of the occasion, Lucescu stood there with a face like a slapped backside, clearly baffled and angered by the whole ordeal.

Liverpool Launch New Warrior 2012/13 Home Kit – Simple, Classy & Controversial (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Excuse me being brief today, but I'm really not overly well at the moment. Here's a video of Liverpool modelling their brand new Warrior home kit for 2012/13 and it's a bobby dazzler...

Like it.

Apparently, the kit has caused a ripple of consternation among the Hillsborough Families due to the two flames of justice being removed from the newly streamlined crest though the keen-eyed among you may have noticed that a direct tribute to the 96 (including the twin flames) has been stitched on the back of the neck on the new kit.

Newcastle Boss Alan Pardew And Man City Captain Vincent Kompany Pick Up Premier League Gongs

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By Alan Duffy

With the season all but over, the Premier League have named Newcastle boss Alan Pardew as their 'Manager of the Season' while Manchester City defender Vincent Kompany has picked up the prize for 'Player of the Season'.

Pardew, once a fierce critic of teams who fielded too many foreign players, has recently embraced all things French and African, with the likes of Papiss Demba Cissé, Demba Ba, Yohan Cabaye and Hatem Ben Arfa inspiring the Magpies to the cusp of Champions League qualification.

Arsenal’s Emmanuel Frimpong Guests On Lethal Bizzle Re-Mix (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ah, 'tis a long way from John Barnes and the Anfield Rap, but Arsenal's media butterfly Emmanuel Frimpong's latest foray into the world of grime sees him guesting on cousin Lethal Bizzle's re-mix of 'Leave It Yeah'.

If you don't like grime you'll utterly hate this, by the way (so leave it, yeah?

Gary Neville’s ‘Hotel Of Dreams’ Gets The Go Ahead Despite Opposition From Man Utd

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By Alan Duffy

Since making the move from the pitch to the TV studio, GNev has instantly become one of the best football pundits out there. However, the Red Devils legend also fancied himelf as a bit of a hotel magnate. The former England man planned to use the proceeds from last year's testimonial game at Old Trafford to build a £20million, 139-bed hotel and supporters club  right next to the so called 'Theatre of Dreams'.

Groin Grievance To K.O. Chris Smalling’s EURO 2012 Dreams

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United's versatile defender Chris Smalling has been forced to pull out of Roy Hodgson's EURO 2012 England squad after picking up a groin injury in the Red Devils' game against Swansea last week.

The 22-year old had been expected to secure a place in the Three Lions' 23-man squad for Poland and Ukraine, but his dreams of appearing at his first major finals have been KO'ed by the injury.

Wolves Set To Appoint Former Wimbledon Midfielder Ståle Solbakken As New Boss

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By Alan Duffy

The Wolverhampton Wanderers board have moved swiftly to replace poor old Terry Connor in the Wolves' hot-seat.  Connor, in his role as caretaker boss failed to win a game and with the club already relegated, the powers-that-be at Molineux have started the rebuilding job, with former Wimbledon player Ståle Solbakken getting the nod.

Man Utd To Be Questioned By Police Over Transfer Of Forgotten Man Bebe

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By Alan Duffy

Ah Tiago Manuel Dias Correia, remember him? Better known as 'Bebe', the Portuguese youngster, who had spent time living on the streets, was snapped up by Sir Alex Ferguson after the Scot was impressed by him  in a game of Championship Manager his grandson was playing (possibly).

Premier League Conveniently Vote 2011/12 As Greatest Ever Season

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By Chris Wright

2011/12: The Year of the Cat

Nothing like a bit of timely self-aggrandisation, eh? As part of their celebratory '20 Seasons' awards push, The Premier League have conveniently seen the 2011/12 season (i.e, the current campaign about to come to it's climax at the weekend) voted as the top flight's greatest ever season despite it not even featuring on the original shortlist.

Happy Birthday Dennis Bergkamp: All 120 Of The Iceman’s Slinky Arsenal Goals Inside 11 Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ah, Dennis Bergkamp. Let me count the ways in which I adore thee you graceful Aerophobic silkworm. I just want to climb inside you and live inside your svelte lining like an unworthy hermit in an exquisite Dutch sleeping bag.

To celebrate the Iceman's 43rd birthday today, here's all 120 0f his Arsenal goals.

Stop-Motion Sketch Sees England Meet Their New Manager For First Time (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Odds are that you may well end up stricken with motion sickness after watching, but this little stop-motion sketch of Rooney (superb voice casting), Gerrard and Rio meeting the new England manager for the first time is just about charming enough to warrant the mild nausea.

Celtic Bestow Andre Blackman With ‘Tackle Of The Year’ Award For Scything Down Neil Lennon (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Celtic doled out their annual end-of-season awards earlier in the week and the highlight of the night was unquestionably the 'Tackle of the Year' award with 21-year old reserve left-back Andre Blackman taking the honour for his incredible effort earlier in the season, completely cleaning out Neil Lennon on the touchline and leaving his own manager face down in the mud.

Man Utd Post Teaser For Disgusting New ‘Gingham’ Kit On Facebook

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By Chris Wright

It's happening. Oh God! It's actually happening. The absolutely vile 'Gingham' kit which precisely everybody the world over thought was a hoax is actually happening...

Again, this has gone up on the club's OFFICIAL Facebook page.

Man Utd Stars Hoof 200 Footballs Into Van, Ship Them 4,395 Miles And Hand Them Out To Kenyan Kids (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With charity the theme of the day here on Pies, here's another little yarn to pluck your cockles and warm your heartstrings.

What you are about to see is Manchester United's Nani, Park Ji-Sung, Jonny Evans and Chris Smalling humping 200 footballs into the back of the DHL van (with a little help from the tricksy driver) at Carrington.

The Relentless Nutmegging Of John Terry: A Heartfelt Charitable Appeal

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By Chris Wright

This has to stop...

It can't have escaped your notice that there is currently a silent epidemic sweeping through the Premier League, a craze which fosters a culture of hostility, shame and devastatingly sudden isolation The Relentless Nutmegging of England's John Terry.

Europa League Final: Atl. Madrid 3-0 Ath. Bilbao – El Tigre Reduces Los Leones To Tears (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9...

Within the magnificent confines of the National Arena in Bucharest, Atletico Madrid won their second Europa League in the space of three years with a domineering victory over Bilbao, with hot-to-trot striker Radamel Falcao pivotal in reducing vast swathes of Marcelo Bielsa's darlings to tears come the final whistle.

Snapshot: Panini Stickers Map Amazing Evolution Of Javier Zanetti

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By Chris Wright

This is doing the rounds this morning Javier Zanetti: 38 years, one haircut...

The man's in stasis.

My favourite Panini sticker of all time, hands down...

Majestic.

Snapshot: Panini Stickers Map Amazing Evolution Of Javier Zanetti

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By Chris Wright

This is doing the rounds this morning Javier Zanetti: 38 years, one haircut...

The man's in stasis.

My favourite Panini sticker of all time, hands down...

Majestic.

10 Most Disappointing Premier League Players Of 2011/12

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By Chris Wright

See-eth, laid out before thine eyes, Pies' decuplet of players that have underachieved, fallen from grace, failed to deliver, bought shame upon their families and generally stunk up the Premier League like a pilchard in the air conditioning over the past ten or so months.

Ray Wilkins Charged With Drink-Driving, May Be Spending A Lot More Time ‘On His Feet’

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By Alan Duffy

"You couldn't give us a lift home, could you?"

Sky pundit and former England star Ray 'Razor' Wilkins has been charged with drink-driving after being arrested near his home in Cobham, Surrey on Monday night.

The former Chelsea coach was questioned at Reigate police station before being charged with driving under the influence.

Arsenal Fan Wears Spurs Shirt At The Emirates To Say Sorry To Girlfriend For Cheating (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

No doubt cheesy Brit film writer Richard Curtis is already planning to use this incident in his next twee Hugh Grant vom-com, but Gooner Luke McQueen, who does have more than a touch of the posh-fop about him, probably deserves some credit after posing outside the Emirates in a Tottenham shirt.

Shit Lookalikes: Darron Gibson & Liam From ‘Ballykissangel’

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By Chris Wright

Feck aff wid ya?

As well as sharing eyebrows, both Gibson and Liam also share the fabled 'look of the Irish' an face once defined by Dylan Moran as "people who look like they're trying (and failing) to hide other people inside them."

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Football GIF: Michael Essien Does Andy Carroll Extreme Physical Discourtesy

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By Chris Wright

Like a lioness bringing down a young gazelle on the plains of the Savannah with a horrendous all-12-studs-in-the-calf challenge, here's Michael Essien doing Andy Carroll an extremely filthy physical discourtesy at Anfield last night...

Deemed worthy of a yellow card only.

Cardiff City Owners Ponder Rebranding The Bluebirds As ‘Red Dragons’

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By Alan Duffy

The wonders of (badly-done) Photoshop...

After seeing their team flop badly in the Championship play-offs against West Ham, Cardiff City's Malaysian owners are apparently now considering rebranding the Welsh club by changing their kit to red and renaming them the 'Red Dragons'.

Atletico Madrid & Athletic Bilbao Train In Bucharest National Arena Ahead Of Europa League Final (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Altogether, and puuuuuuush!"

Here's a few photos of Atletico Madrid and Athletic Bilbao going through their paces in the National Arena in Bucharest ahead of tonight's Europa League Final. Super excited about this one folks.

Liverpool 4-1 Chelsea – Dismal Blues Routed By Vengeful Reds At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 4-1 Chelsea Premier League 8th May 2012

It may not make up for the weekend's FA Cup final disappointment, but a fine 4-1 mauling of Cup winners Chelsea did give the Anfield faithful something to cheer about on Tuesday night.

‘Forever In A Day’ – Didier Drogba Appears In Ex-Porn Star Julia Channel’s Music Video (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see Didier Drogba acting his arse off, playing the waiting game at the end of former porn star Julia Channel's new music video for her trashy dance song 'Forever In A Day'.

As is usually the case when footballers have a crack at thespianism, to call Drogba's acting chops 'wooden' would be a tremendous insult to the timber trade (skip to 3:45).

‘Forever In A Day’ – Didier Drogba Appears In Ex-Porn Star Julia Channel’s Music Video (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see Didier Drogba acting his arse off, playing the waiting game at the end of former porn star Julia Channel's new music video for her trashy dance song 'Forever In A Day'.

As is usually the case when footballers have a crack at thespianism, to call Drogba's acting chops 'wooden' would be a tremendous insult to the timber trade (skip to 3:45).

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Paolo Di Canio Sings ‘Dancing In The Moonlight’ Live On Stage With Toploader (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This happened on Sunday (at the 'Party on the Pitch' festival at Swindon's County Ground to celebrate the club's promotion to League One), Swindon coach Paolo Di Canio got up on stage and warbled his way through 'Dancing In The Moonlight' with Toploader.

Swansea Unveil New Centenary Away Kit – So Welsh You Can Almost Hear It Hum ‘Land Of My Fathers’ (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Having become both the first Welsh club to attain and then retain Premier League status over the past 12 months, Swansea are celebrating their centenary year with a new kit that reflects the swell of national pride that has accompanied their success with Adidas stitching together an uber-Welsh new away strip for the Swans to wear as of next season.

Snapshot: Malky Mackay & The Bubble Of Pure Despair

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By Chris Wright

Brilliant photo from West Ham's 3-0 Championship Play-Off Semi-Final trouncing of Cardiff City at Upton Park yesterday; all the exhaustion, the exasperation, the doleful resignation, etched across Malky Mackay's face as the 'Ammer's elusive fortunes suddenly come out of hiding, encapsulated in an opalescent sphere of subtle metaphor, succinct imagery and two parts Fairy Liquid.

Sunderland Winger James McClean Receives Death Threats After Call Up To Ireland’s EURO 2012 Squad

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By Alan Duffy

Young wideman James McClean has enjoyed a superb breakthrough season with Sunderland, with his surging left wing runs even earning him a place in the Republic of Ireland's preliminary squad for EURO 2012. However, not everyone is happy with the midfielder's success in securing a berth with the Boys In Green.

Sport Recife’s Tifo Shown Red Card, Moonwalks Toward Referee In Protest (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sport Recife defender Tifo is shown a second yellow for barrelling through the back of Santa Cruz striker Flavio. The ref then asks Tifo to show his shirt number and the centre-half duly obliges only with a little bit of a flourish, choosing to moonwalk back toward the official in protest at the incredulity of it all.

Arsenal Launch New Kit With Nifty ‘Target Practice’ Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Arsenal's accompanying viral for the launch of their new kit it's quite good, in a 'Szczzczczesny's acting is more wooden than a day-out at the lolly stick factory' kind of way...

RE: Theo's free-kick CGI jiggery-pokery or not CGI jiggery-pokery?

Snapshot: West Ham Reach Play-Off Final, ‘Best Man’ Breaks Bad News To Groom On Live TV

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By Chris Wright

West Ham beat Cardiff 3-0 (5-0 on aggregate, we'll have more photos up shortly)Â at Upton Park in the second leg of their semi to reach the Championship Play-Off Final at Wembley in emphatic fashion yesterday evening though it seems like it may have been bad news for 'Chris', who appears to have lost his Best Man as a result.

Yann M’Vila To Arsenal ’99% Done’ – Gunners On Cusp Of £17m Deal For Rennes Enforcer

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By Chris Wright

Yann M'Vila: Master of the unorthodox tackle

Just a quickie to let y'all in on the big transfer news this morning, and this ain;t just you're average, common-or-garden transfer toss; Arsenal are on the very cusp of tying up a €22 million (£17.

Yann M’Vila To Arsenal ’99% Done’ – Gunners On Cusp Of £17m Deal For Rennes Enforcer

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By Chris Wright

Yann M'Vila: Master of the unorthodox tackle

Just a quickie to let y'all in on the big transfer news this morning, and this ain;t just you're average, common-or-garden transfer toss; Arsenal are on the very cusp of tying up a €22 million (£17.

Xabi Alonso Follows FA Cup Final On His Phone From Real Madrid Bench (Video)

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By Chris Wright

File this under 'curio' but here's a little snippet of former Liverpool man Xabi Alonso keeping former Chelsea man Jose Mourinho abreast of the score in the FA Cup Final while sat on the bench in the Bernabeu...

Granted it's not the most interesting clip, but anything Xabi is okay by me.

Xabi Alonso Follows FA Cup Final On His Phone From Real Madrid Bench (Video)

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By Chris Wright

File this under 'curio' but here's a little snippet of former Liverpool man Xabi Alonso keeping former Chelsea man Jose Mourinho abreast of the score in the FA Cup Final while sat on the bench in the Bernabeu...

Granted it's not the most interesting clip, but anything Xabi is okay by me.

Blackburn 0-1 Wigan: Joyful Scenes At Ewood As Rovers Relegated (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

There were joyful, joyful scenes at Ewood Park last night, where Blackburn were relegated from the Premier League after losing 1-0 to Wigan. Bunting was hoisted, clothing was removed, devilled eggs and ginger ale were passed round and everyone present congratulated Steve Kean and Venkys on their efforts with a big singsong on the pitch after the game someone even bought their chicken along to join in the end-of-season festival of sheer delirious happiness.

Blackburn 0-1 Wigan: Joyful Scenes At Ewood As Rovers Relegated (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

There were joyful, joyful scenes at Ewood Park last night, where Blackburn were relegated from the Premier League after losing 1-0 to Wigan. Bunting was hoisted, clothing was removed, devilled eggs and ginger ale were passed round and everyone present congratulated Steve Kean and Venkys on their efforts with a big singsong on the pitch after the game someone even bought their chicken along to join in the end-of-season festival of sheer delirious happiness.

Spartak Moscow’s Emmanuel Emenike Shown Bizarre Straight Red For ‘Offensive’ Goal Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Spartak Moscow forward Emmanuel Emenike receives a straight red card after celebrating his goal in Spartak's 3-2 win over Zenit St Petersburg yesterday in front of his own fans with an 'arm tapping' celebration...

Eh? Are we missing something here?

Didier Zokora Exacts Revenge On Emre By Walloping Him In The Knackers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember not so very long ago when Emre was accused of racially abusing Didier Zokora during a game between Fenerbahce and Trabszonspor. Emre denied it, saying 'Allah could rip his heart from his body' if Zokora's allegations were true.

The Anzhi Makhachkala Rap – Starring Eto’o, Samba, Roberto Carlos & Grandmaster Hiddink (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not content with throwing millions upon millions of petro-dollars at the has-beens and so-sos of European football, Johnny-come-lately Russian rich boys Anzhi Makhachkala have now moved into the rap game getting some bod named Timaro to produce this garbage, The Anzhi Rap (like the Anfield Rap, but with 100% less Grobbelaar).

Arsenal Roll Out New 2012/13 Home Strip – The One With The Navy Cuffs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

The new Arsenal kit for 2012/13 has been launched this morning. Here's wee Theo Walcott decked out in his new work clothes.

What about those cuffs, eh?

We gots loads more photos this-a-way the accompanying goalkeeper jersey is definitely one you'll want to see.

Wolves 0-0 Everton – Wolves Pick Up First Home Point In 10 Games Against Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-0 Everton Premier League 6th May 2012

The Toffees dominated this dead-rubber of a game at Molineux. However, Terry Connor will be delighted to secure a point in his last home game of the season.

Fulham 2-1 Sunderland – Dempsey Strikes Again As Cottagers Go Eighth (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 2-1 Sunderland Premier League 6th May 2012

Clint Dempsey has enjoyed a magnificent season with the Whites, and against Sunderland in the penultimate game of the season, the attacker bagged a superb free-kick goal to make it 17 Premier League goals in this campaign.

Aston Villa 1-1 Tottenham – Spurs Blow Chance To Go Third At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 6th May 2012

With Arsenal failing to win against Norwich on Saturday, Spurs went into their game at Villa Park knowing that a victory would see them move into third with only one game to go.

QPR 1-0 Stoke – Superbsub Cissé Strikes Late To Move Hoops Clear Of Drop Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 6th May 2012

Djibril Cissé's (half) season with QPR has been a bizarre mixture of goals and red cards, but today against Stoke, Hoops fans saw the better side of the Frenchman, with his late strike securing an utterly vital win for the strugglers at Loftus Road.

Bolton 2-2 West Brom – Trotters Blow Chance To Escape Bottom Three As Baggies Fight Back (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 2-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 6th March

Poor old Owen Coyle watched as his side blew a two-goal lead which leaves them stuck in the relegation zone with just one game left.

A Martin Petrov spot-kick in the first-half followed by a Billy Jones own-goal on 72 minutes had put the Trotters in pole position to secure a vital three points.

Man Utd 2-0 Swansea – Red Devils Keep Alive Faint Title Hopes With Easy Win Against Swans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 Swansea City Premier League 6th May 2012

First-half goals from Paul Scholes and Ashley Young secured three points for United against Swansea, points which see the destination of the title still undecided ahead of the final day of the season.

Newcastle 0-2 Man City – Touré Brace Sees City Edge Close To Title (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-2 Manchester City Premier League 6th May 2012

Man City's Ivorian force of nature, Yaya Touré, was once again the match-winner for the Citizens, netting both of his side's second-half goals in a very difficult tie away to Newcastle.

Barcelona Fans Give Guardiola Emotional Send-Off, Unfurl Huge ‘T’ESTIMEM PEP!’ Banner (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas Pep's last game at the Nou Camp yesterday eve before he buggers off on his Gap Year, and the Barca fans gave him an emotional send-off during their 4-0 win over Espanyol unfurling a huuuge banner before the game reading 'T'ESTIMEM PEP!', which loosely translates as 'WE LOVE YOU!

Snapshot: Newcastle Unveil Sir Bobby Robson Statue Outside St James’ Park

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By Chris Wright

Sir Bobby's finally got his statue outside St James' Park...

Photos: PA

Granada’s Dani Benitez Pelts Referee In Face With Gatorade Bottle vs Real Madrid (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After losing 2-1 at home to Real Madrid yesterday, Granada now go into the last game of the La Liga season hovering just two points above the relegation zone.

Understandably, the result against Madrid left things a little fraught at Los Carmenes, and the manner in which it came about only served to heighten the tension losing out by way of a supposedly dodgy 81st-minute penalty and an injury-time own-goal.

FC Köln Relegated From Bundesliga, Fans Proceed To Set Stadium On Fire (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Weird scenes inside the goldmine RheinEnergieStadion, where the Cologne fans didn't take their relegation down to the 2.Bundesliga yesterday afternoon particularly gracefully throwing smoke bombs, lighting fires and charging the pitch after their side's 1-4 defeat to Bayern Munich.

Snapshot: Chelsea Are The 2012 FA Cup Winners!

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By Chris Wright

We'll have more reaction when we sober up tomorrow, but for now this is all you need to know: It didn't go over the line, Chelsea won...

Photo: PA/Mike Egerton/EMPICS Sport

FA Cup Final: Chelsea 2-1 Liverpool – 40 Brilliant Photos From Wembley

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By Chris Wright

All the best photos from today's to-doings at Wembley...

Highlights...

Photos: PA

Arsenal 3-3 Norwich: Gunner’s Grip On Third Slackened By Late Morison Equaliser (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal's grip on their Champions League spot suddenly became incredibly tentative after coming back from 2-0 down to 3-2 up, only for Steve Morison to nab a deserved equaliser for Norwich in the last five minutes.

Yossi Benayoun opened the scoring after just 65 seconds with a slinky little number but Arsenal found themselves 2-1 down at the break after Wojciech Szczesny wafted Wes Hoolahan's tame effort over his line and was then left stranded as Grant Holt ballooned the Canaries ahead with a heavily-deflected shot from the edge of the area following a quicksilver counter-attack.

Didier Drogba Appears On The Graham Norton Show (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So, this happened last night...

Never thought I'd ever see Didier Drogba and Julie Walters on the same sofa. Ain't the world a wonderful place?

Snapshot: 200 Hartlepool United Fans Descend On London Underground In Full Smurf Regalia

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By Chris Wright

Hartlepool are at Charlton for their final League One fixture of the season this afternoon, and nearly 200 of their travelling fans have decided to descend on East London in full Smurf regalia which has certainly made for interesting scenes on the underground.

Former England Boss Fabio Capello Still Loves Blighty, Eyes Up Job In Premier League

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By Alan Duffy

'Cor blimey, guv'nor, let's have a goold old fashioned knees-up!"

It seems that Fabio Capello hasn't toally fallen out of love with England despite his rather messy resignation earlier this year. The 65-year-old has a superb CV, following trophy-laden spells with AC Milan, Roma, Juventus and Real Madrid, but despite receiving a load of offers from Europe, the Italian tactician is now on the look-out for management job in the Premier League.

Chelsea Train At Cobham Ahead Of FA Cup Final (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Look! I'm a pretty princess at the pretty princess party!"

Photos: PA

Chelsea Bid For Battersea Power Station Site – Plan 60,000 Capacity Stadium With Four Chimneys Intact

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea have confirmed via their official website that they have submitted a bid to acquire the Battersea Power Station site in order to build a new 60,000-seater stadium on said land.

The club have announced they along with their 'property development partners' Almacantar are hoping to acquire the 39 acres of land, which they plan to redevelop if, as and when they should decide to up-sticks and leave Stamford Bridge.

Top XI: FA Cup Final Goals (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Well By Jove and lawks-a-mussy, it's the FA Cup Final tomorrow! Where the bally hell did that creep up from? To help pique your interest in the crackings-off at Wembley tomorrow afternoon, we've assembled a run-down of our ten favourite FA Cup Final goals.

Aston Villa Trio James Collins, Fabian Delph & Chris Herd Fined After Nightclub Scuffle (With GIF)

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By Chris Wright

With their side currently making flirty eye-contact with relegation across the smoky honky tonk, it'll no doubt come as welcome news to fans of the club that three Aston Villa players James Collins, Fabian Delph and Chris Herd are to be fined after being caught on camera getting bolshy outside Gatecrasher nightclub in Birmingham at 2:45am on Tuesday morning.

‘Koko Euro Spoko’ – Poland’s Official EURO 2012 Song Drops, Sung By Troupe Of Grannies (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After being put to a public vote, the good people of Poland have decided that this will be their country's official anthem for Euro 2012:Â 'Koko Euro Spoko' by a group called Jarzebina, who as will become abundantly clear are a group of older Polish ladies dressed up as nuns.

Cardiff 0-2 West Ham – Hammers Close In On Play-Off Final After Collison Brace Downs Bluebirds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Cardiff City 0-2 West Ham United Championship Play-Off Semi-Final First Leg 3rd May 2012

He may have inexplicably missed out on the Barcelona job in recent weeks, but Big Sam is closing in a return to the Premier League with West Ham after his side comfortably beat Cardiff City on their own turf on Thursday evening.

‘I Might Have Called Him A Son Of A Bitch’ – Bilbao’s Javi Martinez Explains Ugly Spat With Cristiano Ronaldo

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid wrapped up their 32nd La Liga title with a win over Athletic Bilbao at San Mames on Wednesday evening and, in among all the frolicking and Mourinho-tossing, there was a wee flashpoint involving Bilbao's Javi Martinez and Cristiano Ronaldo.

‘I Might Have Called Him A Son Of A Bitch’ – Bilbao’s Javi Martinez Explains Ugly Spat With Cristiano Ronaldo

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid wrapped up their 32nd La Liga title with a win over Athletic Bilbao at San Mames on Wednesday evening and, in among all the frolicking and Mourinho-tossing, there was a wee flashpoint involving Bilbao's Javi Martinez and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Wayne Rooney Wonder-Volley Vs Man City Named Best-Ever Premier League Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

He may have only come second to Arsenal's Robin Van Persie in the Football Writers' 11/12 Player of the Year award, but Man Utd striker Wayne Rooney will be more than pleased to have garnered the award for the best Premier League goal ever. The award was voted for by fans and to be fair, the top three are all superb goals.

Wayne Rooney Wonder-Volley Vs Man City Named Best-Ever Premier League Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

He may have only come second to Arsenal's Robin Van Persie in the Football Writers' 11/12 Player of the Year award, but Man Utd striker Wayne Rooney will be more than pleased to have garnered the award for the best Premier League goal ever. The award was voted for by fans and to be fair, the top three are all superb goals.

FC Sion’s Geoffrey Serey Slaps Lausanne Ballboy Across Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

FC Sion midfielder Geoffrey Serey Die is in a whole heap of scheisse after being caught on camera slapping one of the Lausanne ballboys across the face after his side's 2-0 defeat last night...

Lausanne striker Steven Lang (who we think is the chap on the touchline that comforts the child after the slap) gave his account of the incident to Blick:

"Serey has gone to the ball boy and he said something that I can not repeat.

‘Arry Shall Go To The Ball! Harry Redknapp Announced As BBC Pundit For EURO 2012

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By Chris Wright

The BBC crew begin to kit out the studio ahead of 'Arry's arrival

Saints be praised! After failing to reach Euro 2012 through the official channels earlier in the week, it was been announced today that Harry Redknapp shall go to the ball after all after accepting a position on the BBC's punditry panel for the tournament.

Jan Vertonghen Drops Eredivisie Trophy For Second Year Running, This Time On His Own Toe (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember that around this time a year ago, Ajax 'keeper Maaaaaarten Sticklebricksekelenberg put a few extra nicks in the Eredivisie trophy (or the 'Johan Cruyff Shield' to give it its proper name) when he threw it under a bus during the club's victory parade around Amsterdam.

Seattle Sounders’ Fredy Montero Scores Beauty From Length Of Blue Whale Out vs LA Galaxy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seattle Sounder's beat a Beckham and Keane-less LA Galaxy 2-0 over in the MLS last night, with Fredy Montero's 48th-minute exocet definitely the goal of the game the Colombian striker smashing his first goal of the season into Bill Gaudette's top corner from roughly the length of a Blue Whale (90 feet) out.

Real Madrid Win 32nd La Liga Title, Send Records Tumbling In Process (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Toss me, but don't tell the Elves!"

Mission accomplished: It's been pretty much done and dusted for a week or two now, but Real Madrid assured their 32nd La Liga title and their first in four years with a win over Athletic Bilbao at San Mames last night.

Gremio’s Marco Antonio Scores Scorching ‘Di Canio’ Volley vs Fortaleza (Video)

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By Chris Wright

From last night's Copa do Brasil action, Gremio midfielder Marco Antonio scoring the second goal in his side's 2-0 win over Fortaleza in stunning and we mean stunning fashion...

Yowsers!

Chelsea 0-2 Newcastle: Papiss-ful Easy Feeling As Cisse Shoots Downs Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Papiss Cisse maintained his mercurial form with another couplet of slinky goals at Stamford Bridge last night, taking his running total to 13 goals in 12 games as his brace saw Newcastle beat a knackered-looking Chelsea side 2-0 on their own patch.

Snapshot: Fabrice Muamba Makes Tearjerking Reebok Return

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By Chris Wright

Six weeks after collapsing and actually dying for 78 minutes, Fab Muamba was back on the pitch at the Reebok Stadium last night, entering to a standing ovation and thanking the fans for their support during his convalescence from a cardiac arrest.

What a chief.

The Goal They’re All Talking About: Papiss Cisse Scores Absolute Cracker vs Chelsea (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Full photos and highlights shortly, for now just revel in the majesty of Papiss Cisse's brilliance (well, at least up until the video gets pulled down)...

Meh. Just a hit-and-hope.

Camp Drog says...

"Hard and long BITCHEZZZ!

Fiorentina Sack Coach Delio Rossi For Attacking Own Player Adem Ljajic (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Fiorentina have a pretty lousy season in Serie A, languishing down in the lower reaches of the table, just six perilous points about the relegation zone. Morale is thin on the ground.

Last night, Fiorentina played second-bottom Novara and, after going 2-0 down after just thirty minutes, coach Delio Rossi was forced into making a change; hauling off midfielder Adem Ljajic (the name may ring bells for Man Utd fans) after just 32 minutes.

Snapshot: Papiss Cisse Returns To Home Planet After Scoring Stonker vs Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

We'll have moving images up in a jiffy, but here's the pick of the photos from Newcastle's 2-0 win over Chelsea at Stamford Bridge last night: Papiss Cisse being beamed back to his home planet after scoring an absolute stonker (his second of the game) in the 94th minute.

Stoke Winger Jermaine Pennant In Trouble Again, Arrested Over Assault On Woman In Nightclub

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By Alan Duffy

A man with a wrap sheet as long as a Rory Delap throw, Stoke City's Jermaine Pennant is back in trouble once again after apparently packing quite a lot in to last Sunday night.

While at a nightclub in Manchester at the weekend, he is alleged to have assaulted a woman before later on being  involved in a car crash whilst driving under the influence which was a 3-in-1 deal in and of itself.

Barcelona Players Are World’s Highest Paid Sportsmen, Man City Now Not Far Behind

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona may have had a naff old season by their standards, but there are at least a few crumbs of comfort to nibble on elsewhere as the Catalans have successfully defended their crown as the highest-paying sports team in the world.

Barca's £101,600 average weekly wage is still the highest paid to its players by any sports team on the surface of Planet Earth though, of course, we can't speak on behalf of any of the subterranean clubs, e.

Snapshot: Adidas Titilate With Teaser For New ‘Lethal Zones’ Predator Boots

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By Chris Wright

Adidas are on the cusp of unleashing their new Predator boot, and the flirty Gerties have sent us over a few photos from their swanky launch bash in Manchester yesterday to whet our appetites.

Here we see Nani, Tom Cleverley and Edin Dzeko sporting the new boots, or 'Predator Lethal Zones' to give them their proper title the 'Lethal Zones' in question being the specially engineered rubber and memory foam ridges situated all over the boot, designed to support perfect ball control and help amplify all the various aspects of the wearer's game.

Straw Poll – Is David Moyes The Man To Replace Sir Alex At Man Utd?

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By Alan Duffy

"If you're going to intimidate the ref like I do, you're going to have to look angrier than that, David."

A Manchester United manager during the mid-seventies, Tommy Docherty has claimed that Sir Alex Ferguson will be allowed to choose his successor at Old Trafford, with Everton boss David Moyes favourite for the job.

Top 10 Premier League Bargains Of 2011/12

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By Chris Wright

With the season now drawing to a close, we thought it high time to have a little look-see at the best of the bargain signings that have outshone their relatively meagre price tags throughout 2011/12.

Here we go, straight in at the top...

10.

Shit Lookalike: David De Gea & A Windswept Alpaca

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By Chris Wright

Tufty? Slightly confused-looking? Eyeing you up for your donuts? Check, check and check...

Brilliant spot by Pies fan Jack Hawkins. Nothing shit about that!

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet the living daylights out of us at @waatpies.

Howard Webb & Rest Of EURO 2012 Referees Limber Up At Training Camp In Warsaw (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Here we see the referees for Euro 2012, including everyone's favourite follically-sparse copper-cum-whistle jockey, Howard Webb, limbering up for the tournament at a special training workshop in Warsaw wearing, what must be said, one of the ugliest kits we've seen for, oh, at least a fortnight now.

Paddy Power Sail Close To Wind With Innuendo Laden ‘Goal-Line Technology’ Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Don't expect Paddy Power's new goal-line technology advert to be gracing your TV screens any time soon: 'Near the knuckle' doesn't even begin to cover it.

Or perhaps it does come to think of it...

Video: Paddy Power

Snapshot: The Sun Welcome Roy Hodgson By Cheerfully Mocking His Speech Impediment

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By Chris Wright

Charming...

The humour's a little subtle, so we'll explain: Basically, Roy Hodgson has a speech impediment and can't really pronounce his R's. The Sun, therefore, have substituted W's in in their place. Ukraine = Ukwaine, etc, etc.

I'll freely hold my hands up and admit to having referred to Hodgson as 'Woy' before (never maliciously), but it's pretty insensitive and something I knocked on the head years ago.

Nemanja Vidic Accidentally Headbutts Metal Rail, Apologises To It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short and sweet: Nemanja Vidic inadvertently nutting a metal railing in the stands at Old Trafford on Monday night then doing the gentlemanly thing and apologising to it...

You know you're hard when you find yourself apologising to tubular steel.

Stoke 1-1 Everton – Supersub Jerome Pinches Point For The Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Everton Premier League 1st May 2012

Former Birmingham City hitman Cameron Jerome came off the bench to net an equaliser for Stoke at the Britannia, in a game lacking much quality.

Spindly striker Peter Crouch had given the visiting Toffees the lead just before half-time when he deflected a Tony Hibbert cross into his own goal.

Liverpool 0-1 Fulham – Weakened Reds Flop Against Fulham (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-1 Fulham Premier League 1st May 2012

A-listers like Stevie G and Luis Suarez may have been ordered to sit this one out in preparation for the FA Cup final, but in losing yet again at Anfield, Liverpool failed to give themselves a timely boost of confidence ahead of Saturday's big clash with Chelsea.

Awful Realisation Hits During Roy Hodgson’s First Press Conference As England Manager (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Roy: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to be able to announce that I've today signed a brand new contract as manager of West Brom and will be looking forward to four more years at The Hawthorns..."

Trev: "It's.

Roy Hodgson Unveiled As England Manager, Forced To Field Questions About Apartheid

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By Chris Wright

"Errr, is it too late to back out?"

It's official! Roy Hodgson has just been unveiled as the new England manager at a press conference at Wembley. It was announced that the 64-year old has signed a four-year contract, and will take over immediately after West Brom's final game of the season on 13th May.

Neymar Irks Sao Paulo Defender With Flouncy Stepovers, Gets Hoofed Up In Air (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Santos beat Sao Paulo on their own patch at the weekend, with Neymar scoring a hat-trick to take him over the 100-goal mark for Santos (102 in 180 games) at the age of 20 and put him in third spot in the club's all-time top scorer list.

As well as the matchball, Neymar was also given a little memento of the game by Sao Paulo defender Ivan Piris who, having been sent hither and thither one too many times by the Santos forward's largely superfluous stepover routine, duly ended the charade by booting him clean up in the air.

10 Excellent Photos Of Young(ish) Roy Hodgson

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By Chris Wright

Our research has shown that Roy Hodgson has never, in fact, actually been any younger than about 35 or thereabouts- so basically what we have here is 10 photos from the Pies' archive of Roy Hodgson looking like an absolute, middle-aged rake...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Roy Hodgson, coach of Halmstad BK, is hoisted by his players after Halmstad secured SM-gold against Norrköping in Allsvenskan, 1976

Photos: PA

‘Fergie Was On The Whiskey’ – Liam Gallagher Crashes Post-Derby Press Conference (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Liam Gallagher, eh? What a wallybritches.

After watching the match at the Etihad, the six-toed chimpanzee they've succesfully trained to rasp over Beady Eye records stormed Roberto Mancini's post-derby presser last night delivering pearls such as 'Fergie's been on the whiskey' and 'I love Mancini, he's nearly as kewl as me' to the room full of journos before being ushered aside by Vincent Kompany while proclaiming 'Viva la Belgium!

Football GIF: Sir Alex & Mancini Come Perilously Close To Very Nearly Having Scuffle

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By Chris Wright

Crap Captions: ESPN Jump Gun In Doling Out Premier League Title Honours After Manchester Derby

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By Chris Wright

Nice bit of bonus 'Phil Jones gargoyle face' in there for you too...

Oh ESPN, you try so hard yet fail so regularly.

Via Dirty Tackle.

More of ESPN's tomfoolery on Pies...

Punditry Will Eat Itself: ESPN's New 'Augmented Reality' Analysis Is Absurd
ESPN Almost Get Their Pre-Clasico Stats Right
Dimi Berbaton

Man City 1-0 Man Utd: Captain Kompany Sends City To The Summit (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

As with any game that receives such monumental, gladitorial hype beforehand, last night's 'bigger than Jebus, winner takes all' Manchester derby was a largely run of the mill affair Vincent Kompany's craning header seconds before half-time sealing the win for City in a game where United failed to register a single shot on target.