Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

FA Zero In On Their Man: Roy Hodgson Set For England

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By Chris Wright

Here we are people, a little later than planned but we got here all the same.

Despite the desperate clamour from what appeared to be all quarters for the FA to give their top job to English football's preeminent trucker tanned chirruping Coken Ey sparrah, it would appear that Roy Hodgson is their first choice to take the England job so much so, in fact, that they're interviewing him/have interviewed him at Wembley this very day.

Football GIF: Captain Puyol Nixes Alves & Thiago’s Dumb Dancing Goal Celebration

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By Chris Wright

Barca walloped Vallecano 0-7 in La Liga last night, but Captain Carles wasn't best pleased with the over-exuberant goal celebration that followed the fifth moving swiftly to break up Thiago and Dani Alves as they staged a dumb dance to celebrate the former's header.

Pescara’s Lorenzo Insigne Misses Astonishing Open Goal From Underneath Crossbar vs Gubbio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

How, pray tell, is this even possible?

Pescara still won 2-0, but Insigne (an Italian U21 international, nicknamed 'The Messi of the Adriatic') will still be wondering how he managed to fart that one over the bar.

Thanks to Pies fan @R33maresco for the tip-off.

Pescara’s Lorenzo Insigne Misses Astonishing Open Goal From Underneath Crossbar vs Gubbio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

How, pray tell, is this even possible?

Pescara still won 2-0, but Insigne (an Italian U21 international, nicknamed 'The Messi of the Adriatic') will still be wondering how he managed to fart that one over the bar.

Thanks to Pies fan @R33maresco for the tip-off.

Sunderland 2-2 Bolton – Captain Kevin Davies Rescues Vital Point For Trotters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-2 Bolton Wanderers Premier League 28th Premier League 2012


Once the king of the Reebok, Super Kev Davies has often struggled to secure a starting berth for Bolton this season. However, his brace at the Stadium of Light on Saturday could prove utterly vital to Bolton's fight for survival.

West Brom 0-0 Aston Villa – Villans Scrap For Vital Point At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-0 Aston Villa Premier League 28th April 2012


It was never the most glamorous of ties, with Aston Villa arguably the dullest side in the top division. However, despite the lack of goals, both sides did their best to give the crow at the Hawthorns something to shout about.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez Nails One From 45+ Yards vs Norwich

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By Chris Wright

While the two preceding goals were stunning in their own right, Luis Suarez's honker of a third against Norwich was just that little bit special-er. Here it is again on infinite loop...

Goal of the season? Crouchie's still pipping it for us.

Gary Lineker Mocks Arsenal Boss Arsene Wenger On Match Of The Day (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

At the end of Saturday night's Match of the Day, crisp-hawker and master of the bland, Gary Lineker, decided to push his own presenting skills to daring new limits by including an 'hilarious' Arsene Wenger impersonation.

Tinged with what could be construed as a hint of xenophobia as well as what seemed like a fair amount of bitterness, Lineker's little comedy cameo seemed rather out of place on the programme.

Gary Lineker Mocks Arsenal Boss Arsene Wenger On Match Of The Day (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

At the end of Saturday night's Match of the Day, crisp-hawker and master of the bland, Gary Lineker, decided to push his own presenting skills to daring new limits by including an 'hilarious' Arsene Wenger impersonation.

Tinged with what could be construed as a hint of xenophobia as well as what seemed like a fair amount of bitterness, Lineker's little comedy cameo seemed rather out of place on the programme.

Swansea 4-4 Wolves – Wolves Fight Back In Eight-Goal Thriller At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 28th April 2012


They may already be relegated, but Terry Connor's Wolves side staged a magnificent comeback at the Liberty Stadium on Saturday.

Everton 4-0 Fulham – Pienaar The Architect As Toffees Crush Cottagers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton Fulham Premier League 28th May 2012

He may have struggled during his time at White Hart Lane, but since moving back to Everton on loan, South African schemer Steven Pienaar has rediscovered his best form.

Norwich 0-3 Liverpool – Suarez Steals The Show At Carrow Road For All The Right Reasons (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 0-3 Liverpool Premier League 28th April 2012


This season, Uruguyan hitman Luis Suarez has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons. However, against a disappointing Norwich City side on Saturday, he produced a virtuoso performance topped off with a superb long-range chip.

Stoke 1-1 Arsenal – Gunners Secure Decent Point In Hostile Atmosphere At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Arsenal Premier League 28th April 2012


The abuse once again meted out to Aaron Ramsey from sections of the Stoke City faithful on Saturday was rather distasteful, with the Welshman's only crime to have his leg smashed in two by Ryan Shawcross.

Wigan 4-0 Newcastle – Magpies Shoot Down At The DW As Latics Steer Clear Of The Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 4-0 Newcastle United Premier League 28th April 2012


Roberto Martinez orchestrated yet another massive win for Wigan against one of the league's big boys on Saturday, as the Latics thrashed Champions League hopefuls Newcastle at the DW Stadium.

Snapshot: Southampton Promoted To The Premier League

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By Chris Wright

Courtesy of a 4-0 victory over Coventry at St. Mary's this afternoon, Southampton will be playing Premier League football next season for the first time in seven years! That's two promotions on the bounce for Nigel Adkins and his boys.

The Saints are coming!

Leeds Launch 2013 Kit With ’8 Mile’ Style Viral – Neil Warnock Puts In Stunning Performance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You only get one shot (until next season, when you'll get another shot)...

Brilliant video, but that is one Sunday League-looking garment if we do say so ourselves.

Apparently, there's a bit of controversy (and we use that word in the loosest possible sense) about Leeds' new latin motto: "Agmine In Uno.

Football GIF: Pep Guardiola’s Evolution From Ballboy To Coach At Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

From ballboy to the saddest-looking Champions League-winning coach you're ever likely to see: Pep, you've come a long way baby...

GIF via @barcahona

Barcelona Keep It In House, Give Manager’s Job To Pep’s No.2 Tito Vilanova

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By Alan Duffy


Sam Allardyce, you can stand down now Barcelona have chosen their new coach. However, rather than hang on for one of the world's big-name bosses, the Catalans have decided to look closer to home, naming Guardiola's second-in-command, Francesc 'Tito' Vilanova  as their new manager.

Football Art: Barcelona & Man Utd Stars Colour In Pop Art Portraits Of Themselves To Flog For Charity

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By Chris Wright

Turkish Airlines, Barcelona (and Manchester United), Pop Art, felt tips, Ebay: It's all in the video, so give it a watch...

Basically, the skinny is that Turkish Airlines (who have the enviable gig of being sponsors for both Barcelona and Manchester United) and artist Craig Redman have produced blank versions of Redman's Pop Art portraits and asked the respective players to finish them off as they saw fit.

Spot The Baller: Hyacinth Bucket

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By Chris Wright

Who dis hiding behind Mrs Bouquet? Clue: it's not Rrrrrrrichaaard...

Previous answer: T'was Pepe cowering behind Chris de Burgh's gorgeous face all along...

Congrats to tadekdrozda, Paddy, ljharz, J, mareantheone, Riki, aspers, West End Blues, Johann and alaketek for going with Madrid's apeman.

Hellas Verona ‘Keeper Gathers Corner, Charges Full Tilt Up Pitch, Plays Striker Through For Last Minute Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hands up, we know nothing about this video other than we think it might be of Italian stock (aren't Hellas Verona the 'Gialloblu'?) if the commentary and advertising boards are anything to go by.

The only thing we do know for certain(ish) is that this all happened in the very last minute of the game

UPDATE: It is indeed Hellas Verona, in Serie B action against Ternana on Monday evening.

Lyon And Adidas Unveil New ’3D’ European Kit (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

People of Earth, welcome to the future. As of next season, Lyon are going to be wearing a '3D' kit in their European games. Three dimensions. Up, Across and Back.

"But the very nature of our human perception of perspective renders all kits three-dimensional, it's a basic concept," we hear you cry, to which we say "Nay, this, friends.

Shit Lookalikes: Manuel Neuer & Miranda Sawyer

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By Chris Wright

Neuer is the formerly detested, currently adored Bayern Munich goalie.

Sawyer is a lady from the '90s.

Acetastic work from Pies' fan Matt.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Drop us an email at waatpies@gmail.

Europa League: Athletic Bilbao 3-1 Sporting (4-3 Agg.) – Last Gasp Llorente Lash Books Bilbao Bucharest Berth (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

An 89th minute Fernando Llorente toe poke was enough to see Athletic Bilbao through to the Europa League Final in Bucharest on 6th May, overturning Sporting's 2-1 lead from the first leg in Lisbon last week.

A rip-snorting first half saw Athletic open the proceedings through Markel Susaeta, Llorente bringing down a cross with his chest and stepping aside for the little winger to lash home.

Pep Guardiola Set To Leave Barcelona, So Where Next For The Uber-Coach?

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By Alan Duffy


At first I thought it was just another dramatic, unfounded rumour, but judging by the growing number of reliable sources getting in on the act, it now does look as though Barca boss Pep Guardiola has decided to leave the Nou Camp.

Pep Guardiola Set To Leave Barcelona, So Where Next For The Uber-Coach?

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By Alan Duffy


At first I thought it was just another dramatic, unfounded rumour, but judging by the growing number of reliable sources getting in on the act, it now does look as though Barca boss Pep Guardiola has decided to leave the Nou Camp.

‘Keep Your Hands To Yourselves’ – Premier League Cancel Chelsea-QPR Pre-Match Handshake

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By Alan Duffy


"I'll knee you in the back if you're not careful..."

Who would have thought that the simple act of shaking someone's hand would have become such an incendiary issue in the Premier League this season? Hot on the heels (ish) of the Patrice Evra/Luis Suarez handshaking palavar, the Premier League have now decided to cancel the usual pre-match shakedown between Chelsea and QPR in case it prejudices John Terry's summer trial.

Celtic Launch New 2013 Kit – Opt For Green And White Hoops This Time! (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy


Forget all the recent Champions League upsets, Celtic have now highlighted just how unpredictable football is by releasing photos of their new 2012/13 kit which is, wait for it, er, green and white hoops.

Right, well it may not be much of a creative leap, but the new kit is rather nice, and it also references the Glasgow giants' upcoming 125th anniversary year.

Know Your Champions League Final Venue – Beautiful Photos Of The Allianz Arena In All Its Splendour

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By Chris Wright

The Allianz Arena, decked out in a stately 'Chelsea blue'

Set back and bite down on something folks, because there's a whole shedload of Allianz Arena comin' right at you! That's right, we're talking all 66,000 seats, all 106 VIP boxes, all 9,800 parking spaces (largest four-storey Esplanade car park in Europe baby!

Time For UEFA To Introduce Champions League Final Card Amnesty?

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at that? Six players cruelly denied of playing in the biggest games of their club careers for the heinous crime of having picked up three bookings in the dizzying maelstrom of the Champions League knockout phases John Terry being the only dolt present who actually deserves to miss out given his conduct.

Batch Of Surprisingly Decent Football Manager Impressions – Jol, Redknapp & McCarthy Nailed (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see an impressionist (possibly by the name of Ray Pitt) going through his repertoire of football manager voices.

His Mancini's a little ropey and Sir Alex is getting there but needs a bit of work, but the loud-soft pattern of Mick McCarthy's Yorkshire patter is spot on the chap in the specs absolutely nails Martin Jol and Top Top Redknapp.

Our Gift To The FA: The 23-Man Squad England Should Take To Euro 2012

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday came the news that interim coach Stuart Pearce may (rather farcically, we might add) find himself railroaded into selecting England's 23-man squad for the European Championships of 2012 if the FA don't pull their stubby fingers out and get around to swearing in Harry 'Tottenham Hotwho?

Gerard Pique Released From Hospital, Can’t Remember Playing Against Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona centre-half Gerard Pique was discharged from hospital yesterday afternoon following an evening under observation after getting knocked out sparko in a collision with Victor Valdes at the Nou Camp on Tuesday night.

However, according to Catalunya Radio, Pique cannot remember playing against Chelsea at all despite making it through 18 minutes of the match before being carted off to hospital with a pretty serious case of concussion which is either extremely worrying or extremely convenient.

Football GIF: Sergio Ramos Penalty Gets Obligatory ‘Ice Cream Guy’ Treatment

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By Chris Wright

Sure as the sun...

So, was Mourinho happy about Ramos sending one into orbit?

Was he buggery.

Via Reddit

Real Madrid 2-1 Bayern Munich (3-3 Agg.) – German Shoot-Out Joy Gives UEFA The Final They Never Wanted (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Real Madrid 2-1 Bayern Munich (Agg 3-3) (Bayern win 3-1 on pens) Champions League 25th April '12


That high-pitched screaming you can hear in the distance is UEFA bigwig Michel Platini howling at the Gods for not giving him the El Clasico final he and his fellow UEFA suits so desperately wanted.

Forgotten Man Michael Owen Readies Himself For Heroic Role In United Title Tilt

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By Alan Duffy


Super Michael patiently waits for his moment of glory...

Manchester United fans worried that your beloved team's grip on the Premier League trophy may be loosening? Well don't fear, because boy wonder Michael Owen is here.

Happy Birthday Johan Cruyff: 10 Ace Photos Of ‘Jopie’ In His Pomp

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By Chris Wright

Huzzah! Jordi Cruyff's dad is 65 today. To celebrate, here's some Cruyfftastic vintage photos of him in his snake-hipped, flaxen-haired pomp (plus a couple thrown in of him just as he was beginning to move out of it!)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Uber cool Johan Cruyff poses during a photocall for the Holland national side, 1969

As a little bonus, here's some brilliant archive footage of Cruyff's famous Impossible Goal ('El Gol Imposible') scored for Barcelona against Atletico Madrid in 1973 for you to savour.

Witton Albion’s Evo-Stik Play-Off Semi-Final Against Farsley Captured In Beautiful Film (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you probably weren't aware, Witton Albion downed Farsley in the play-off semi-final of the Evo-Stik NPL Division One North on Tuesday evening winning 3-0 to put themselves within one game of returning to the Northern Premier League's top tier for the first time in three years.

Aston Villa 1-2 Bolton: Goal Flurry Leaves Villa Flirting With Dotted Line Of Doom (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright


Three goals in the space of three second half minutes settled a tie that did Bolton a tremendous service in their efforts to haul themselves out of the relegation zone and, likewise, left the Villa Park crowd caterwauling lively syncopated free-form renditions of 'Sack McLeish my Lord", "You're taking us down" and "F**k off McLeish, the Villa is ours" to the high heavens.

Kevin De Bruyne Has Sweet First Touch – His Second Ain’t Half Bad Either! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

No doubt Chelsea fans will be eager to see a bit of this when Kevin de Bruyne turns up at the Bridge next season:Â a sweet-as-you-like first touch, swiftly followed by an even better second to flick the ball past his marker before rolling a measured pass out to set his Genk teammate barrelling off down the pitch against Standard Liege a couple of evenings ago.

Snapshot: Pep Guardiola Pens Dummies Guide To Fnarking Up Barcelona’s Season

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By Chris Wright

People can be so cruel...

"Not funny. I kill you now"

Via 101GG

Gary Neville Scoregasms His Way Through Sport’s Greatest Moments (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

WOOOAAAAARRRROOOOAAAAOOOOH...

Video: @tinyark (via Balls.ie)

XI Conclusions: Barcelona 2-2 Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

1. First of all, well done Chelsea. I think the word 'phenomenal' just about covers your performances over the two legs. Defending is just as integral a part of the game as attacking and, for all Barca's captivating intricacy in and around the area, Chelsea's heroic flat back nine emerged the victors.

Barcelona 2-2 Chelsea (2-3 Agg.) – 40 Glorious Photos From The Camp Nou (With Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"My name is Fernando, and I am your new king!"

We're being stingy on the words here because we've got an 'XI conclusions' still to come, but here's a grid of the 40 finest still photos from last night's incredible match at the Camp Nou.

Fernando Torres Scores vs Barcelona, Gary Neville Emits Huge Orgasmic Howl (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll have more as and when, but what follows was easily the best bit about Chelsea's result against Barcelona in the Camp Nou last night; the sensuous noise emitted by Sky Sports co-com Gary Neville as Nando rolled it into the back of the net in the 91st minute.

‘You Can Pinpoint The Second His Heart Rips In Half’ – Reporter Informs Ivanovic He’ll Miss Champions League Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Callous: Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ripping Branislav Ivanovic's heart in twain after last night's heroics in Catalonia...

Statshot: Turns Out Chelsea Are Quite Good At Stopping Messi…

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By Chris Wright

It's just those ten other buggers they'll have to worry about...

Via Sky Sports News

Elfsborg’s Stefan Ishizaki Scores Spectacular Volley From Inside Own Half vs Orebro (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We seem to have enjoyed a real slew of looooooong-range boomers recently (not least this humdinger from AIK's Alexander Milosevic), but Stefan Ishizaki's awesome effort for Elfsborg in their 2-0 away win over Orebro in the Swedish Allsvenskan yesterday.

AC Milan Striker Stephan El Shaawary Donates Heart Defibrillator To Boyhood Club

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By Chris Wright

Still reeling in the wake of Piermario Morosini's fatal heart attack while playing for Livorno a weekend ago, the subject of heart monitoring and pitchside resuscitation has understandably been at the forefront of Italian football's collective mind for the last ten days.

Lycra Clad Morph Man KO’ed By Penalty From Adult-Sized Baby – What’s Not To Like? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

No idea why, but this clip is doing the rounds this afternoon after those bods over at Football 365 got the ball rolling. Pies have now watched it four-score and 20 times consecutively and we can now safely conclude that there's nothing to not like about it.

Madness Reigns As Air Shot And Phantom Penalty Settle Australian A-League Grand Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brisbane Roar secured their second A-League title on the bounce on Sunday evening, though the manner in which they did so will make your mind swim as your synapses struggle to comprehend the weapons grade 'what the f**kity' on show.

With the score level at 1-1 and the last few seconds of normal time ebbing away, Brisbane striker Besart Berisha blustered through the Perth area to find himself clean through, swung his leg at a bobbling ball, missed entirely and then fell on his arse to cap off the show.

London 2012 Olympic Football Draw: Team GB Grouped With Senegal, UAE & Uruguay

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By Chris Wright

I know full well that there's a lot of you out there that could care less about this two-bit Olympic Team GB wossname, but for those who do; here are the draws for the group stages of the London 2012 Olympic football competition.

The balls were fished by none other than (the original) Ronaldo and (sadly, the original) Robbie Savage and, as such, the Team GB men's side will take on Senegal in their opening fixture at Old Trafford on 26th July also drawing United Arab Emirates and Uruguay in Group A.

Chelsea’s Six-Point Plan To Beat Barcelona At Camp Nou

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By Chris Wright

Last week, Pies outlined a flawless gameplan for Chelsea to get the better of Barcelona at the Bridge. Recognising incredible tactical fortitude when they saw it, Roman's mob followed our 'demonic anti-football' blueprint To.

Robin Van Persie Wins Another Award, Bags Football Writers’ Gong

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By Alan Duffy


"That's two trophies more than the rest of you Gunners have won!"

Coming hot on the heels of his PFA Player of the Year triumph, Arsenal's Robin van Persie has made it two awards out of two by bagging the Football Writers' prize.

Chelsea Train At Cavernous Camp Nou Ahead Of Barcelona Showdown (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy


The Blues looked relaxed when training at the Nou Camp/Camp Nou ahead of tonight's massive semi-final clash with Barca.

The question is, however, can the west Londoners carry out another defensively flawless performance against Messi and co.

Chelsea Train At Cavernous Camp Nou Ahead Of Barcelona Showdown (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy


The Blues looked relaxed when training at the Nou Camp/Camp Nou ahead of tonight's massive semi-final clash with Barca.

The question is, however, can the west Londoners carry out another defensively flawless performance against Messi and co.

Shameful Dive: HB Koge Defender Ronni Bendtsen Poleaxed By Nipple Nudge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly ten minutes after opening the scoring in Denmark, SonderjyskE striker Quincy Antipas was shown a straight red card against HB Koge as a result of the worst, most shamefully abysmally shameful dive you're likely to see today well, at least until it all kicks off at the Camp Nou tonight anyway.

Shameful Dive: HB Koge Defender Ronni Bendtsen Poleaxed By Nipple Nudge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly ten minutes after opening the scoring in Denmark, SonderjyskE striker Quincy Antipas was shown a straight red card against HB Koge as a result of the worst, most shamefully abysmally shameful dive you're likely to see today well, at least until it all kicks off at the Camp Nou tonight anyway.

Snapshot: Spanish Paper ‘Sport’ Forced To Alter Cover Due To Xavi/Puyol Crotch Thrust Tiki Taka

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By Chris Wright

Catalan-leaning Spanish rag SPORT had to subtly alter their front cover this morning due to a slight issue with the juxtaposition of Carles Puyol's thrusting crotch and Xavi's gaping mouth in the photo used on their first run.

Before und after...

'Sexo es Vida' indeed!

Japanese Tsunami Victim To Be Reunited With Football Washed Up 3,000 Miles Away In Alaska

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By Chris Wright

A Japanese teenager who saw his home in Rikuzen-takata destroyed by the tsunami that hit Japan just over a year ago is to be reunited with one of his long-lost possessions after his football washed up 3,000 miles (5,000 km) away on the shores of Alaska.

Umbro Unleash Gorgeous ‘St George Collection’ For England’s EURO 2012 Foray (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pals over at Umbro England's official kit suppliers have, for some unbeknown reason, chosen today to roll out their new 'St George Collection', i.e, the classy new boots and what-not that the England players will be toting at EURO 2012 this summer.

Sevilla Bombard Pitch With Tennis Balls In Protest Over Kick-Off Being Bumped Back By El Clasico (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After seeing their game against Levante bumped back from 10:00pm to 10:30pm to give El Clasico the prime time limelight, Sevilla launched a protest against the powers that be as soon as the match kicked off at the Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan immediately bombarding the pitch with a hail of tennis balls (like FC Basel before them) to disrupt the game along with the unfurling of a huge banner which read something akin to "Stop the match, Mourinho is talking".

Luis Suarez Throws Pissy Tantrum vs West Brom, Falls On Arse (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ha!

Video: 101GG

AIK Defender Alexander Milosevic Sticks One In Top Corner From Bloody Miles Out vs IFK Norrköping (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which AIK centre-half Alexander Milosevic takes aim from the edge of the semi-circle and crashes an absolute exocet into the top corner from 45 metres out...

Who shoots from there for Christ's sake?

Snapshot: Juan Mata Buys David Luiz ‘Sideshow Bob’ Birthday Cake

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By Chris Wright

It was David Luiz's 25th birthday on Sunday and Chelsea or more specifically, Juan Mata duly marked the occasion by buying the be-crimped centre-half a pretty awesome birthday cake...

Image: INY

Snapshot: Juan Mata Buys David Luiz ‘Sideshow Bob’ Birthday Cake

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By Chris Wright

It was David Luiz's 25th birthday on Sunday and Chelsea or more specifically, Juan Mata duly marked the occasion by buying the be-crimped centre-half a pretty awesome birthday cake...

Image: INY

Football GIF: Roy Hodgson Gets Home After West Brom’s Win At Anfield

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By Chris Wright

Former Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson, on getting home after overseeing West Brom's first victory at Anfield since 1967...

"YESYES-FUCKITY-YES!!! Ah, Scotch..."

More photos and highlights from West Brom's 1-0 win over an extraordinarily wasteful Liverpool yesterday a result that took the Baggies to within one point of King Kenny's men in the standings.

Ghastly Liverpool 2013 Third Kit ‘Leaked’, Possibly Big Purple Hoax (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This monstrosity is currently doing the rounds on the internet purporting to be a mock up of Liverpool's new Warrior third kit for next season it ain't pretty...

It's more than likely the handiwork of some scurrilous Scouse scallywags but, if it does prove to be kosher, then may the good lord Xenu descend and push safety pins through my eyes before the start of next season.

Ghastly Liverpool 2013 Third Kit ‘Leaked’, Possibly Big Purple Hoax (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This monstrosity is currently doing the rounds on the internet purporting to be a mock up of Liverpool's new Warrior third kit for next season it ain't pretty...

It's more than likely the handiwork of some scurrilous Scouse scallywags but, if it does prove to be kosher, then may the good lord Xenu descend and push safety pins through my eyes before the start of next season.

Robin Van Persie Wins PFA ‘Player Of The Year’ Award, Kyle Walker Snags Junior Trinket (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Surprising literally no-one and defying precisely none of the odds, Arsenal striker Robin van Persie was bestowed with the PFA Player of the Year award (as voted for by his fellow pros) at a ceremony at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London yesterday evening.

Genoa Ultras Cause Mayhem vs Siena, Demand ‘Unworthy’ Players Take Off Shirts In Shame (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Losing 4-0 at home to Seina today, Genoa's ultras began demanding their players take off their shirts as they 'weren't fit to wear them.' The game was suspended in the 52nd minute when the incensed fans began throwing flares and garbage onto the the pitch, then the call came for the shirt amnesty with Genoa captain Marco Rossi collecting shirts from his teammates and handing them into the crowd.

Man Utd 4-4 Everton: Yeah! Yeah! God Is Great! (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Having not scored at Old Trafford since December of 2007, Everton duly went and snaffled themselves four in an afternoon (including two in the last 10 minutes), coming from 4-2 down to salvage and incredible draw against Manchester United Steven Pienaar harnessing the power of the either Robbie Fowler or the big man upstairs to score the leveller with five minutes left to play.

Nifty Adidas Viral Sees Edwin Van Der Sar Saving Penalties On Barge In Amsterdam Canal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in a plug for the Amsterdam Tourist Board Adidas, Edwin van der Sar takes to the waterways of the Dutch capital on a giant floating goal area to save penalties from all comers including a couple of current Ajax stars...

Video: Adidas

Italian Referee Daniele Doveri Dislocates Own Shoulder Signalling For Free Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Well, this is a new one on us. Napoli arrested their five-game Serie A winless slump with a 2-0 home win over Novara yesterday, but not before the match had to be put on ice for nearly 20 minutes with just two minutes played while referee Daniele Doveri had to have his shoulder.

Football GIF: Laurent Koscielny’s Flying Karate Block To Deny Daniel Sturridge

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By Chris Wright

The only thing from the Arsenal-Chelsea game which bears repeat viewing: Laurent Koscielny's flying karate block to deny Daniel Sturridge...

HEYO!

GIF via @Red_Peter

Football GIF: Laurent Koscielny’s Flying Karate Block To Deny Daniel Sturridge

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By Chris Wright

The only thing from the Arsenal-Chelsea game which bears repeat viewing: Laurent Koscielny's flying karate block to deny Daniel Sturridge...

HEYO!

GIF via @Red_Peter

Aston Villa 0-0 Sunderland – O’Neill Returns To Villa Park As Black Cats Earn Scrappy Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-0 Sunderland Premier League 21st April 2012

It must be somewhat difficult to be a Villa fan these days. With an ex-Birmingham City manager imbuing your team with about as much pzazz as a Marillion album track, and a squad desperately in need of a major overhaul, there have been better times to support the Villans.

Snapshot: Real Madrid Edge Nearer To Title After Nou Camp Victory

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By Alan Duffy

Real Madrid are almost within touching distance of the La Liga title after beating Barcelona at the Nou Camp. Cristiano Ronaldo got the winner in a 2-1 win.

However, are we witnessing the start of a power shift in Spanish football, away from Catalonia and back to the capital.

QPR 1-0 Tottenham – Adel Rolling In Revenge As Old Boy Taarabt Downs Spurs (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 21st April 2012


Once touted as genuine title contenders, Spurs will be now be more than happy if they manage to bag a Champions League spot this season.

Fulham 2-1 Wigan – Latics Not Out Of Danger As Whites Win At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 2-1 Wigan Atheltic Premier League 21st April 2012


After a couple of magnificent wins against the might of Man Utd and Arsenal in recent weeks, Wigan looked to have scrambled clear of the relegation zone for another season.

Blackburn 2-0 Norwich – Junior Keeps On Growing As Rovers Cage Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers 2-0 Norwich City Premier League 21st April 2012


What a topsy-turvy season it's been for Blackburn. Admittedly, more turvy than topsy (if that makes any kind of sense), Â Rovers got back to winning ways against Norwich on Saturday afternoon after securing a deserved 2-0 win which keeps them well in the race for survival.

Bolton 1-1 Swansea – Trotters Toil At The Reebok Against Superior Swans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 1-1 Swansea City Premier League 21st April 2012


Bolton failed to make much ground on the sides hovering just above the drop-zone on Saturday, after failing to win against Swansea at the Reebok.

Arsenal 0-0 Chelsea – RVP Misfires In Turgid Derby At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-0 Chelsea Premier League 21st April 2012


Chelsea came to the Emirates, both buoyed and knackered after their superb 1-0 win against Barca in midweek. However, Arsenal failed to get the better of Roberto Di Matteo's weakened Blues with Robin Van Persie guilty of a number of poor misses.

Newcastle 3-0 Stoke – Magpies Smash Potters And Close In On Champions League Spot (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle 3-0 Stoke City Premier League 21st April 2012

With Arsenal's form wobbling, Newcastle United are well in the the hunt for a top four, if not top three, finish this season.

One of the surprise packages of the campaign, Alan Pardew's men comfortably outplayed Tony Pulis' Stoke, although had Jonatahn Walters put away the game's first chance, things could have been very different.

Finnish Prodigy Joel Pohjanpalo Scores ‘Perfect Hat-Trick’ Inside 162 Seconds On Debut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see 17-year old Finnish prospect Joel Pohjanpalo score a perfect hat-trick (left foot, right foot, header). In the space 162 seconds. On his full debut.

Having only ever made one substitute appearance for HJK Helsinki over in the Finnish Premier League, Pohjanpalo was drafted into the first string for their game against IFK Mariehamn last Sunday and immediately repaid the faith sticking in all three goals in the space of two minutes and 42 seconds during HJK's come-from-behind 3-1 victory.

Finnish Prodigy Joel Pohjanpalo Scores ‘Perfect Hat-Trick’ Inside 162 Seconds On Debut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see 17-year old Finnish prospect Joel Pohjanpalo score a perfect hat-trick (left foot, right foot, header). In the space 162 seconds. On his full debut.

Having only ever made one substitute appearance for HJK Helsinki over in the Finnish Premier League, Pohjanpalo was drafted into the first string for their game against IFK Mariehamn last Sunday and immediately repaid the faith sticking in all three goals in the space of two minutes and 42 seconds during HJK's come-from-behind 3-1 victory.

Mansfield Keeper Alan Marriott Scores Mammoth 90-Yard Punt vs Wrexham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Mansfield Town goalkeeper Alan Marriott joined the illustrious 'goal-scoring goalies' club last night, punting one over his opposite number Joslain Mayebi to score the Stags' second goal in their 2-0 win over play-off rivals Wrexham in the Blue Square Premier.

Mansfield Keeper Alan Marriott Scores Mammoth 90-Yard Punt vs Wrexham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Mansfield Town goalkeeper Alan Marriott joined the illustrious 'goal-scoring goalies' club last night, punting one over his opposite number Joslain Mayebi to score the Stags' second goal in their 2-0 win over play-off rivals Wrexham in the Blue Square Premier.

Everton Starlet Shane Duffy Passes His Theory Test At 11th Attempt…Yep, 11th

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By Alan Duffy


"What's the stopping distance at 60mph in the rain again?"

Yeah sure, there's a lot more sordid news concerning footballers doing the rounds today, but in an antidote to all the sleaze and criminality, we bring you an inspirational tale of dedication and mental strength.

Shit Kits: Reggina Calcio Wear Strip Emblazoned With Fake ‘Ancient Greek Statue’ Torsos

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By Chris Wright

Just take a butcher's at this eyesore would ya?

Specially produced for their recent 'Reggio di Calabria' derby game against sworn enemies Crotone, Serie B side Reggina Calcio hoped that a shirt designed to look like the chiselled, weather-worn torso of an Ancient Greek statue would strike the fear of the Gods into their local rivals (the goalkeeper's similarly Adonis-esque jersey is on the right in the second image).

Snapshot: Roads Closed As Ashley Young Parades Through Liverpool City Centre?

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By Chris Wright

That's right, it's a sight gag...

'Gigantic diver', geddit?

To those of you confused as to why you're seeing a huge marionette moving through the streets of Liverpool, it's all part of the vast Titanic-themed puppet show being staged in the city at the weekend.

Aston Villa Launch ‘Petrov Pie’ To Raise Money For Leukaemia Research

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By Alan Duffy


image courtesy of Aston Villa FC

In a story perfect for Pies' fans, Aston Villa have created a special pie in honour of their captain, Stiliyan Petrov, who is battling leukaemia.

The pie contains chicken, leek and Bulgairan kefta meatballs and a percentage of the proceeds from the sale of the pie will go towards the Cure Leukaemia charity.

Sheffield United Striker Ched Evans Found Guilty Of Rape, Jailed For Five Years

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By Chris Wright

Sheffield United's top scorer and League One's Player of the Month in March, 29-year old Welsh striker Ched Evans, has been sentenced to five years in jail this afternoon after being found guilty of rape at Caernarfon Crown Court in Wales.

23-year old Evans was on trial along with Port Vale defender Clayton McDonald, who were both accused of raping a 19-year old girl at the Premier Inn near Rhyl, Denbighshire.

Five Choice ‘Words’ Sir Alex Ferguson Possibly Had With Ashley Young About His Diving

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By Chris Wright

Sir Alex Ferguson has gone on record this morning as saying that he's 'had a word' with Ashley Young about his fetish for humping the turf at Old Trafford with gay abandon telling the press that, while he feels that Young is being made a scapegoat of due to his affiliation with United (all that bloody diving's not really helping either), he fully expects the flimsy winger to curb his theatrics from now on.

Espanyol B Striker Bakary Scores Outrageous Backheel Super Looper vs Montanesa (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Tercera Division (the fourth tier of Spanish football), Espanyol B striker Bakary or Bubacar Njie Kambi to give him his full and proper name scores against Montenesa with a blinding backheeled volleyed effort.

Question is, did he mean it?

Stat Attack: Didier Drogba ‘Injured’ For Total 6 Minutes 30 Seconds vs Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

The Daily Mail have busied themselves by totting up the total amount of time Didier Drogba spent screaming in anguish with his face mashed into the spittle-infused turf at Stamford Bridge against Barcelona on Tuesday evening.

Here's the scores on the doors.

Disgusted At Their Own Team, Racing Club Fans Pelt Players With Crutches (Video)

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By Chris Wright

My my, it's just one big, happy family at Racing Club at the moment.

Days after a 4-1 derby loss against despised local rivals Independiente saw their coach resign and their super-fruit-loop-loco Colombian striker Teofilo Gutierrez go paintball gun-happy on his own teammates in the dressing room afterwards (incidentally, Gutierrez has since been loaned out to Lanus), comes this debacle.

Papiss Cisse Gets £6 Haircut In Newcastle Barbers, 200 Geordies Swarm To Watch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Serial charm-offender Papiss Cisse went for a £6 haircut at a barbers on Sunderland Road in Gateshead on Tuesday afternoon and soon found himself being swarmed by a throng of 200 (it says here) Geordies.

The owner of The Barber Shop in Gateshead, Iyad Attallah, described the scenes:

‘There were five people waiting for a haircut when he came in and sat down.

Europa League Semi-Final: Falcao Scores Pearler As Atletico Madrid Edge Valencia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the first legs of the semi-finals of the Europa League last night, the first of which saw Atletico Madrid beat Valencia 4-2 at the Vincente Calderon to rack up a healthy aggregate lead (those away goals could still prove costly mind) for the return leg at the Mestalla next week.

Raul Leaves Bundesliga After Just Two Seasons, Schalke Retire No. 7 Shirt

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By Alan Duffy


Maradona, Maldini, Riva, Moore and Cruyff are just some of the great names in football who, after having a monumental effect on their respective clubs, were given the ultimate honour of having their shirt number retired by those teams.

Spot The Subtle Design Error In LeBron James’ New Liverpool-Flavoured Basketball Trainers?

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By Chris Wright

Presenting pretend Liverpool fan/minority shareholder and NBA supermercenary LeBron James' new Nike '9 Low Liverpool' basketball trainers but can you spot the ever-so-subtle error (aside from them being hideous) in the various Liverpool-themed livery?

Norwich City Call In Police After 17-Year Old Boy Publishes Photos Of New Kit Online

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By Chris Wright

Norwich City saw fit to call in the police the actual bloody police after a 17-year old fan leaked photos of the club's new kit online on Tuesday night, the day before it was due to be officially unveiled.

Norfolk Police were called in after IT student Chris Brown slapped a few images of the Norwich 2012/13 kit (here's a hint: it's yellow) on his Twitter account after lifting them from a corner of the club's official website that was still under construction.

Carlos Tevez’s Golf Swing Celebration Given Unnecessarily Detailed Analysis By Sky Sports Golf Expert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sky Sports' resident golf expert Simon Holmes picks apart Carlos Tevez's post-hat trick goal celebration against Norwich in painful, excruciating, eye-watering detail marking the Man City striker down for his chicken wing action, lapse elbows and his effeminate finish.

Giannis Manatias Busts Out Terrifying Psycho Eyes vs Panathinaikos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Okaybye...

Kerkyra Defender Timo Wenzel Scores From Just Outside His Own Area vs OFI Kreta (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Greek Super League last night, Kerkyra whupped OFI Crete 4-1, with Kerkyra's veteran German defender Timo Wenzel scoring the goal of the evening plonking one in from 80+ yards after hoofing the ball aimlessly upfield from the edge of his own area only to see his effort bounce over the dithering OFI keeper and into the back of the net.

XI Conclusions: Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

1. One shot, one goal. It don't get more efficient than that boyo!

2. The heady mix of Chelsea's deep-set tactics and Barca's penchant for swarming on the edge of their opponent's penalty area pretty much forced John Terry and Gary Cahill into putting in colossal displays in central defence and boy did they do just that.

XI Conclusions: Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

1. One shot, one goal. It don't get more efficient than that boyo!

2. The heady mix of Chelsea's deep-set tactics and Barca's penchant for swarming on the edge of their opponent's penalty area pretty much forced John Terry and Gary Cahill into putting in colossal displays in central defence and boy did they do just that.

Little Danny DeVito Bigs Up Chelsea Hero Didier Drogba On Twitter

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea's goal-hero at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night was the subject of a somewhat random Tweet of affection during the game with Barcelona, as pint-sized Hollywood heavyweight Danny DeVito expressed his admiration for the big Ivorian striker...

I can see a remake of Twins in the offing, with DeVito reprising his role and the Drog taking on Arnold Schwarzenegger's part.

Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona – Messi Muzzled As Drogba Puts Blues In Semi-Final Driving Seat (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy


Has John Terry had his beloved captain's armband tattooed onto his body?

Roberto Di Matteo's plan to keep Lionel Messi subdued at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night came up trumps, with both Barcelona and the Argentine imp failing to get on the scoresheet.

Mata, Torres & Luiz Go Through Pre-Barcelona Warm Up, Lark About With Tennis Ball Keepy Uppies (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just Chelsea trio Juan Mata, Fernando Torres and David Luiz warming up for Barcelona's visit tonight by mucking around with a tennis ball at Cobham for FATV's Keepy Uppy challenge.

The boy Mata shows some serious prowess...

Video: FATV

Snapshot: Specsavers Pipe Up With Pithy Football Advert In Morning Papers

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By Chris Wright

How very droll...

Via @MyTruelad

Papiss Cisse Thanks Welcoming Four-Year Old Newcastle Fan With Surprise Home Visit

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By Chris Wright

The story goes that, back in early February, four-year old Sam Livingstone made Newcastle newbie Papiss Cisse a 'Welcome to Newcastle' card at school (while he should have been making his Mum a Valentine's Day card) and sent it to the Senegalese striker.

Pies’ Alternative Six-Man ‘Player Of The Year’ Shortlist

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By Chris Wright

As you may or may not have heard, the PFA got around to naming their six-man shortlist for the 2011/12 Players' Player of the Year award earlier this week; with Manchester City boasting a triumvirate of nominees in Sergio Aguero, David Silva and Joe Hart while goal-glutton Robin Van Persie and the ubiquitous names of Wayne Rooney and Scott Parker fill the latter three spaces on the ballot.

Real Madrid Have Boots Stolen From Dressing Room Before Bayern Game, Lodge Official UEFA Complaint

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By Chris Wright

"Yep, still there"

Real Madrid have lodged an official UEFA complaint about the security at the Allianz Arena after a thief broke into the dressing rooms and stole six pairs of boots and a handful of shirts before last night's game against Bayern Munich.

Racing Club’s Teofilo Gutierrez Incenses Teammates With ‘Brainless’ Red Card, Threatens To Shoot Them With Paintball Gun

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By Chris Wright

"Que?"

The president of Argentinian side Racing Club has vowed that unhinged Colombian striker Teofilo Gutierrez will never play for the club again after an incident that began with a senseless red card and culminated in him pulling a compressed air gun on his teammates in the dressing room.

Champions League: Bayern Munich 2-1 Real Madrid – Gomez Gives Bayern Slender Bernabeu Headstart (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

A last-minute Mario Gomez snaffler ensured Bayern Munich will be going into the second leg at the Bernabeu next Wednesday with a one-goal advantage, with the Germans winning the first leg 2-1 in the Allianz Arena last night.

Franck Ribery opened the scoring in the 17th minute, thunking a half-volleyed shot past an unsighted Iker Casillas when Toni Kroos' corner fell kindly amongst a crowded penalty area with Mesut Ozil equalising for Real, clipping home Ronaldo's cross from about 30cm out.

Cardiff’s Mark Hudson Scores 68-Yard Boomhonker vs Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Cardiff beat Derby 2-0 in the Championship yestereve to all but seal their spot in the play-offs, and their second goal of the night was definitely worthy of a repeat viewing...

Said Hudson after the game:

"I've asked for the video, it's a moment in your career that never normally happens.

Snapshot: Royals Return! Reading Promoted To Premier League

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By Chris Wright

After an incredible late surge of form that has seen them claim 46 points from their last 51 and stream up the table over the past couple of months, Mikele Leigertwood's goal in last night's 1-0 win over Forest (results elsewhere also rendered Forest unrelegateable, YEEHAA!

Snapshot: Royals Return! Reading Promoted To Premier League

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By Chris Wright

After an incredible late surge of form that has seen them claim 46 points from their last 51 and stream up the table over the past couple of months, Mikele Leigertwood's goal in last night's 1-0 win over Forest (results elsewhere also rendered Forest unrelegateable, YEEHAA!

The ‘Mourinho Rap’ Is Abysmal – Not A Patch On Jose’s Own Ballad ‘Por Que?’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere new 'Jose Mourinho Rap' by something called 'Kaspa Klan' (Google says they're an unsigned Spanish hip-hop collective) is you probably don't need me to tell you a little bit completely and utterly shite...

So bad, it's pretty much offensive to all 21 senses (including your sense of decency) and then bad enough to stink up a couple more of which we're not actually aware yet.

Stripper Claims Silvio Berlusconi Paid Her €2,000 To Wear AC Milan Shirt And Ronaldinho Mask

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By Chris Wright

Would you want a lap dance from this man? Silvio apparently would...

Former Italian Prime Minister and current AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi is on trial at the moment in his homeland for allegedly setting up base camp in the nether regions of an underage Moroccan prostitute by the name of 'Ruby The Heart-Stealer.

‘Ashley Young Is A Diving Wanker’ – Young’s Floppy Antics Get Taiwanese Animation Treatment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Everyone's favourite overly-literal Taiwanese animated news outlet, NMA TV, are back and this time they're turning their focus on Ashley Young's aversion to maintaining a vertical base in an earnest analytical report entitled 'Ashley Young is a Diving Wanker'.

Champions League Semi-Final Preview: Chelsea Must Engage Barcelona In Demonic Anti-Football

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By Chris Wright

"Juan, does this smell of Marmite to you?"

We are on the eve of a biggy people, leaning and listing lazily toward Chelsea versus Barcelona at Stamford Bridge in the first leg of the semi-finals of the Champions League tomorrow night; Chelsea are a quite good football team and Barca are quite good also, so the good news is that it should be a good match in theory.

Former Arsenal Defender Emmanuel Eboue Suffers Another Attack By Besiktas Fans (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Galatasaray wingback Emannuel Eboue has once again borne the brunt of some pretty horrible abuse from fans during a Turkish League game.

The former Arsenal man suffered some serious abuse from Besiktas  fans back in November, and it's apparent that the club's supporters haven't softened their attitude to the Ivorian star.

Genclerbirligi Defender Ante Kulusic Scores Cracking Own Goal From Halfway Line (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ante Kulusic of Genclerbirligi: You Sir, are a dummkopf of the highest order...

Video: 101GG

The Re-Return Of ‘Spot The Baller’: Chris De Burgh Touches Down In Munich With Real Madrid

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By Chris Wright

It's been a while, but who dis making their way through Munich airport with the rest of the Real Madrid mob while hid behind biddy-friendly balladeer Chris de Burgh and his marvellous pair of back-combed eyebrows?

Answers as and when.

Robin Van Persie Struggles With Gary Caldwell’s Simple Handshake Request (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Robin van Persie makes an awful hash of Wigan captain Gary Caldwell's handshake offer after last night's game at the Emirates...

Apparently Van Persie was cheesed off with Caldwell's super stealth time-wasting techniques (RVP really don't like time-wasting, just ask Tim Krul) though that doesn't make the video look any less like watching two dozy giraffes attempting to mate.

Sky Sports Pundit Gary Neville Delivers Incredible Critique Of Diving In Modern Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Doing his bit over on Sky Sports' Monday Night Football, Gary Neville absolutely did the business last night delivering a passionate, eloquent sermon on the 'diving epidemic' that is so entrenched in the modern game.

You may not agree with all of the Neviller's sentiments (for instance, we'd argue that the fact that it's a widespread practice doesn't necessarily make it a forgiveable practice), but you can't argue with the quality and delivery of his analysis.

Nike Home Kits For EURO 2012 Rolled Out – France, Holland, Portugal, Poland And Croatia (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen the respective away strips (Portugal/Holland/France), but Nike have now got round to rolling out their home strips for France, Holland, Portugal, Croatia and Poland to be worn at EURO 2012 this summer.

Arsenal 1-2 Wigan – Latics Shock Gunners And Go Five Points Clear Of Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-2 Wigan Athletic Premier League 16th April 2012


After beating league-leaders Manchester United last week, Roberto Martinez's men slayed another Premier League giant on Monday night, courtesy of a superb 2-1 away win at the Emirates.

Turkish Star Emre Accused Of Racially Abusing Didier Zokora During Match

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By Alan Duffy


Former Newcastle United schemer Emre Belözoğlu (above left)  is at the centre of yet another racism storm after Trabzonspor midfielder Didier Zokora accused the Turkish star of racially abusing him during a league clash with Fenerbahce at the weekend.

Rayo Vallecano Coach Subtly Blocks Atletico Madrid Throw-In (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Rayo Vallecano's conker box of a coach, Jose Ramon Sandoval, subtly prevents Atletico Madrid's Diego from rushing through a late penalty...

Despite Sandoval's input, Vallecano still lost 1-0.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez Attempts To Climb Inside Johnny Heitinga

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By Chris Wright

Someone obviously told Luis that Johnny had a Milky Way tucked under the waistband of his shorts...

"Luis want NOM NOMS!"

Apologies for Pies being a bit slow today folks, I ain't very well. The less said about what's going on with by bowels, the better.

El-Hadji Diouf Arrested After Bloody Brawl In Manchester Nightclub Leaves Man In Hospital

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By Chris Wright

What a plum

El-Hadji Diouf and five other men have been arrested and bailed over a fight at a Manchester nightclub which left a 33-year old man seriously injured in hospital.

A Greater Manchester Police statement said:

"Six men were arrested on suspicion of violent disorder, five of whom have been bailed until 23 May pending further police inquiries.

Tom Daley Reveals New Synchronised Dive Partner For London Olympics – Who Could It Possibly Be? (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

After receiving an Olympic backing from QPR owner Tony Fernandes for his two flawless tuck-into-pike (is that a proper diving thing?) penalty flops in the space of a week, it was bound to happen really, wasn't it?

Who better to partner dive prodigy Tom Daley at London 2012 than the Premier League's elite gravity enthusiast?

Cesc Fabregas Does Strange Jig In Freekick Wall To Confuse Levante Keeper (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona beat Levante 2-1 in Valencia last night by way of a dodgy penalty (Isaac Cuenca went down like a sack of wet porridge when Pedro Botelho invaded his personal space), with Lionel Messi scoring his 40th and 41st league goals of the season to keep the heat on Real Madrid at the top of La Liga.

Cesc Fabregas Does Strange Jig In Freekick Wall To Confuse Levante Keeper (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona beat Levante 2-1 in Valencia last night by way of a dodgy penalty (Isaac Cuenca went down like a sack of wet porridge when Pedro Botelho invaded his personal space), with Lionel Messi scoring his 40th and 41st league goals of the season to keep the heat on Real Madrid at the top of La Liga.

Football GIF: Lineman’s Eye View Of Juan Mata’s Ghost Goal vs Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Basically, the poor bugger didn't have a chance...

Perhaps all those of a Tottenham persuasion should stop mithering about the 'did it?/didn't it?s' of this one and start paying the other four goals they conceded a bit of attention!

GIF: 101GG

Football GIF: Lineman’s Eye View Of Juan Mata’s Ghost Goal vs Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Basically, the poor bugger didn't have a chance...

Perhaps all those of a Tottenham persuasion should stop mithering about the 'did it?/didn't it?s' of this one and start paying the other four goals they conceded a bit of attention!

GIF: 101GG

Antonio Di Natale And Udinese Vow To Care For Piermario Morosini’s Disabled Sister

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By Chris Wright

Immense stuff from Udinese hero Antonio Di Natale, who has vowed to take guardianship and provide both financial and emotional support to the sister of former teammate Piermario Morosini the Zebrette midfielder on loan at Livorno midfielder who died at the tragically young age of 25 after collapsing on the pitch in Serie B this weekend.

FA Cup: Spurs 1-5 Chelsea – Blues Demolish Lilywhites In Controversial Wembley Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-5 Chelsea FA Cup 15th April 2012


Another game today featuring a rather controversial decision, this time courtesy of a goal that never was. With Chelsea 1-0 up after a superb Didier Drogba strike in the first-half, Juan Mata put the Blues 2-0 up just after the break.

Ashley Young Stars In Hollywood Remake? Sure To Be A Flop!

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By Chris Wright

Hotdamn the internet gets to work quickly...

Context...

Via Reddit

Man Utd 4-0 Aston Villa – Red Devils Demolish Villa As Young Cheats Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 4-0 Aston Villa Premier League 15th April 2012


He's done it again! Swiftly making a name for himself as the Premier League's premier diver, Ashley Young earned his side a penalty after 'making the most' of the slightest of contact from Ciaran Clark in the Villa box.

Chelsea Fans Boo During Minute’s Silence At Wembley For Hillsborough Victims

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By Alan Duffy


Now let's be very clear about this, it was only a small minority of Chelsea fans who behaved in an utterly despicable way before the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley. However, their actions won't have done the often negative image of Blues' supporters any good at all.

Football GIF: Ashley Young Dives (Again) Against Aston Villa

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By Alan Duffy

Oops he did it again. Very little that can be said to defend or justify Ashley Young's dive. A fine player, he is rather tarnishing his name with this kind of rubbish.

Then again, after getting away with it against QPR (and the FA refusing to rescind Shaun Derry's red card), who can blame Young for trying it again.

Arshavin Stands On Zenit Teammate Bystrov’s Stomach After Scoring vs CSKA Moscow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Andrey Arshavin, shortly after providing the assist for Vladimir Bystrov to open the scoring for Zenit against CSKA Moscow with a back post header (and pulling his stomach muscle in the process), helps his teammate 'celebrate' by standing on Bystrov as he lay on the turf waiting for the physio.

West Brom 1-0 QPR – Travel Sick Hoops Stay In Shadow Of Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 14th April


Mark Hughes' side have been impressing at Loftus Road recently, but away from home, the Hoops have been struggling to pick up points.

Sunderland 0-0 Wolves – Sub-Standard Stalemate Does Little For Wolves’ Survival Hopes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland Wolverhampton Wanderers 14th April 2012


The dampest of damp squibs it was, a game with little action or indeed drama.

A point at the Stadium of Light is no mean feat, but poor old Wolves needed all three points if they were to kickstart some kind of miraculous escape from the drop-zone.

Swansea 3-0 Blackburn – Swans Back On Form As Rovers Freefall Towards The Championship (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 3-0 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 14th April 2012


While he remains a rather dignified character in front of the cameras, Blackburn boss Steve Kean must be feeling more than a little frustrated as he watches his side edge ever closer to the Championship.

Snapshot: Charlton Athletic Celebrate Promotion Back To The Championship

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By Alan Duffy


Once a pretty decent Premier League outfit, Charlton Athletic have struggled in recent years, dropping all the way down to League One. However, with Addicks legend Chris Powell in charge, the south London side have blossomed in the third tier of English football this season and, courtesy of a 1-0 win away at Carlisle on Saturday, can now look forward to Championship football next season.

FA Cup: Liverpool 2-1 Everton – Carroll Kills Toffees’ Cup Dreams As Reds Eye Second Final Success (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool Everton FA Cup 14th April 2012


A rather dull first half in this Mersey extravaganza was brought to life by an almighty mess-up on 24 minutes between Daniel Agger and Jamie 'Carra' Carragher.

Norwich 1-6 Man City – Canaries On The End Of An Argie Bargie At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City Manchester City Premier League 14th April 2012


The Argentine duo of stocky Carlos Tevez and silky Serio Aguero were in inspired form at Carrow Road on Saturday, with the resurrected Tevez bagging a hat-trick.

Livorno’s Piermario Morosini Suffers Fatal Heart Attack During Serie B Match

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By Alan Duffy


Piermario Morosini RIP

Former Italian U21 player, Piermario Morosini, suffered from a heart attack during Livorno's Serie B fixture at Pescara. As a mark of respect, all league games in Italy this weekend have been called off.

10 Excellent Photos Of Young Carles Puyol

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By Chris Wright

Carles Puyol: hewn from the sturdiest Catalan oak, hair like a cascade of spun dynamite fuse, furiously dedicated, insanely committed, Barcelona to the very core and 34 years young yesterday...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

A (very) young Puyol tucks into an ice cream sandwich, 1983

Suggested further viewing.

Championship: Southampton 1-3 Reading – Le Fondre Repeats The Feat To Send Royals Clear (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Quick Robin, to the Bat Cave!"

A week after coming off the bench and scoring two goals in the last five minutes to sink Leeds, Adam 'The Melt' Le Fondre knocked in another couple of late'ns after coming off the bench at St Mary's last night to send Reading three-points clear of Southampton at the top of the pile.

Snapshot: Wilshere, Frimpong & Jenkinson – Just Three Guys Enjoying The Hot Tub

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By Chris Wright

Just three dashing young fellas enjoying one another's company in a hot tub...

Something about the finger just seems so ominous, though not quite as ominous as Frimpong's accompanying Tweet:Â "Dench Party at my house, who's coming?"

I've got absolutely no idea what a 'Dench Party' is (will Dame Judy be there?

Scouse Rapper Jamie Broad Brings Us A New And Improved Anfield Rap (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of the Mersy derby at Wembley on Saturday, young Everton fan Jamie Broad has released a rather impressive new rap joint (as the youth might say). Well worth a listen, 'Scousers On Wembley Way' bigs up (again, that's for your young folk) the friendly rivalry between the blue and red halves of Liverpool and remembers the Hillsborough tragedy in an all-round clever tune.

Montpellier’s Younes Belhanda Tees Himself Up For Superb Scissor Kick vs Marseille (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We missed this earlier in the week, but it's good enough to warrant a late mention Montpellier's Younes Belhanda teeing himself up and swiping in a superb scissor kick from just inside the area to crown MHSC's 3-1 victory over Marseille on Wednesday night.

Shit Lookalikes: Tottenham Crest Faithfully Recreated By Real Chicken

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham's famous 'cock and ball' badge as rendered in real life like when Homer Simpson passes through into the third dimension to visit the erotic cake shop...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us on @waatpies.

Minnesota Stars Cool New Kit Incorporates Fans’ Photos Into Shirt Numbers (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

NASL side Minnesota Stars launched their new kits for 2012 not so very long ago and, while the home strip's pretty swish and all, it's their away kit that well and truly steals the show.

The silver kit is made by Admiral Christ, remember Admiral?

Veteran Lincoln City Fan Shows Young’ns How To Celebrate A Goal Properly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the Stacey West Stand after Lincoln City's Alan Power knocked in a penalty during their 4-0 win over Tamworth at Sincil Bank a couple of weeks back a veteran Imps fan showing the young'ns in attendance how to really celebrate a goal.

Alcohol may have been a factor.

Snapshot: John Terry Makes Acting Debut, Already Typecast

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By Chris Wright

John Terry's acting debut sure looks like a sensual classic. Hell, they wouldn't include it in 'The Box Office Collection' if it wasn't any good right?

'Three tales from the inner sanctum' just sounds horrific.

(Thanks to Pies fan @bevpeirney for the tip-off!

Liverpool Eye Up Johan Cruyff For ‘Director Of Football’ Role

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By Chris Wright

"Liverwho?'

The BBC read somewhere understands that, after surgically removing Damien Comolli from their staff yesterday for fluffing all their dollars on snakeoil and unicorn teeth, Liverpool owners FSG are eyeing up none other than Johan Cruyff (who, it says here, used to be a footballer of some distinction but is perhaps better known as the man from the asteroid) to step into the breach at Anfield.

Top 10 Football Player-Managers

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By Tom Mordey

Chinese football has been the graveyard of choice for ageing players' careers in recent years, with former greats moving out to the East for one final pay cheque just see Nicky Butt, Paul Gascoigne or even Marlon Harewood for further details.

Snapshot: Fabrice Muamba Thanks London Chest Hospital Staff With Massive Sponge Cake

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By Chris Wright

The news this morning is that Fabrice Muamba is finally set to leave the intensive care ward at the London Chest Hospital to be transferred to a private hospital in Cheshire to continue his recovery for a couple of days before being allowed to return home for the first time since he suffered a heart attack on the pitch at White Hart Lane a month ago.

French Part-Timers Quevilly Stun Rennes With 93rd-Minute Winner To Reach Coupe De France Final

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By Chris Wright

After putting out Marseille in the quarters, third-tier part-timers Quevilly have once again defied the odds to keep their enchanted cup run going sinking Ligue 1 opponents Rennes with a 92nd-minute winner (above) from Anthony Laup to reach the final of the Coupe de France.

Manuel Neuer Pelted With Bananas By Dortmund Fans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So, as well as Neven Subotic giving Arjen Robben the old 'Keown' treatment after a spaffed penalty, it seems that Bayern Munich 'keeper Manuel Neuer was also subjected to a bit of antagonisation during last night's clash at the Bundesliga summit - finding himself engulfed in a banana blizzard at one point.

Fair Play Continues As Dungannon Swifts Deliberately Botch Harsh Penalty vs Ballymena (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The gentle odour of fair play that has permeated the afternoon continues to waft, with soul-affirming footage from the Northern Ireland Premiership game between Dungannon Swifts and Ballymena United.

We join the action at 0-0 with Dungannon being awarded a penalty after Ballymena centre-back Gavin Taggart catches the ball in the area mistakenly thinking he'd heard the whistle sound for play to stop so his injured teammate, Chris Rodgers (who had dislocated a shoulder), could be stretchered from the field.

Del Piero Scores Brilliant Disguised Free Kick On 700th Juventus Appearance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Alessandro Del Piero still has magic in them thar boots as his brilliantly disguised free-kick winner against Lazio (Juventus are now one point clear of AC Milan at the top of Serie A) on his 700th appearance for the Old Lady last night will duly demonstrate.

St Pauli’s Marius Ebber Scores With Hand, Politely Asks Referee To Disallow It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in the 2. Bundesliga on Tuesday evening, promotion-chasing St Pauli (they of 'toaster' fame) found themselves 2-1 up over Union Berlin in the 80th minute when Marius Ebbers appeared to nudge a looping cross into an open goal with his head.

It then came to light that Ebbers had in fact used an outstretched arm to guide the ball over the line and, consumed by guilt, the St Pauli striker implored the referee to chalk off his illegal goal.

Damien Comolli – Man Who Spunked Millions On Magic Beans And Pixie Dust – Leaves Liverpool By Mutual Consent

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By Chris Wright

"So I told 'em to buy Stewart Downing...for £20 million...and they did!!!"

Liverpool have just announced that the man that helped bring Charlie Adam, Jordan Henderson, Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing to Anfield at great, great expense Director of Football Damien Comolli has left the club 'by mutual consent.

Crawley Town Players Burst Into Spontaneous Song At News Of Steve Evans’ Departure (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We first stumbled across this little gem yesterday but we're weren't entirely sure it was legit so we held fire. Since then, the clip has been verified.

In scenes reminiscent of when Dorothy parks her house on the Wicked Witch of the East, what we have is a group of Crawley Town players (including former Chelsea striker and current Crawley physio Mark Stein) bursting into a spontaneous rendition of 'We're Singing A Song 'Cos The Fat Man's Gone!

Robben Fluffs Late Penalty vs Dortmund, Subotic Has Precious Little Sympathy (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Yestereve, with Bayern Munich 1-0 down against Borussia Dortmund and with just five minutes left to play, Arjen Robben pressed his 'Streets of Rage' special button and went a-tumblin' in the area in search of a penalty which duly arrived.

Robben then stepped up to take it himself and, saints be praised, missed the bugger not that Dortmund centre-half Neven Subotic had much in the way of sympathy for the floppy Dutchman.

Five Months After Signing, Nicolas Anelka Named Player-Coach Of Shanghai Shenhua

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By Chris Wright

Despite only joining the club in a playing capacity from Chelsea five months ago, it would appear that Nicolas Anelka has today been appointed as the player-coach of his Chinese side, Shanghai Shenhua with scurrilous rumours abound that Jean Tigana had been sacked after a torrid start to the season.

Five Months After Signing, Nicolas Anelka Named Player-Coach Of Shanghai Shenhua

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By Chris Wright

Despite only joining the club in a playing capacity from Chelsea five months ago, it would appear that Nicolas Anelka has today been appointed as the player-coach of his Chinese side, Shanghai Shenhua with scurrilous rumours abound that Jean Tigana had been sacked after a torrid start to the season.

‘Wet Dream Of Orgasmic Proportions!’ – Cristiano Ronaldo’s Free Kick vs Atletico Madrid Sends GOL TV’s Ray Hudson Doolally (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Crisitano Ronaldo scored a hat-trick in Real Madrid's 4-1 derby win over Atletico Madrid last night, a three-goal haul which contained a couple of pearlers including this free-kick, which was enough to send GOL TV's excitable co-commentator Ray Hudson into absolute erotic apoplexy.

‘Wet Dream Of Orgasmic Proportions!’ – Cristiano Ronaldo’s Free Kick vs Atletico Madrid Sends GOL TV’s Ray Hudson Doolally (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Crisitano Ronaldo scored a hat-trick in Real Madrid's 4-1 derby win over Atletico Madrid last night, a three-goal haul which contained a couple of pearlers including this free-kick, which was enough to send GOL TV's excitable co-commentator Ray Hudson into absolute erotic apoplexy.

Chelsea Unveil New Adidas Home Kit For 2012/13 – Marked Improvement On Current Strip (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: the new Adidas strip that Chelsea will be sporting at The Bridge as of next season a very slick blue and gold affair...

We like. We like a lot though perhaps the gold seems a little presumptuous and over-stated given Chelsea's piff paff season.

Chelsea Unveil New Adidas Home Kit For 2012/13 – Marked Improvement On Current Strip (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: the new Adidas strip that Chelsea will be sporting at The Bridge as of next season a very slick blue and gold affair...

We like. We like a lot though perhaps the gold seems a little presumptuous and over-stated given Chelsea's piff paff season.

QPR 3-0 Swansea – Roaring Rangers Batter Mute Swans At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 3-0 Swansea City Premier League 11th April 2012


Mark Hughes' relegation-threatened Rangers secured a vital three points at Loftus Road against a lacklustre Swansea side. Joey Barton, Jamie Mackie and Akos Buzsaky were the goalscorers in a game dominated by the west Londoners.

Man City 4-0 West Brom – Citizens Batter Baggies And Keep Pressure On United (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 4-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 11th April 2012


A rather decent win for City at the Etihad here, with a chunky Carlos Tevez starting his first game in yonks and even managing to get on the scoresheet.

Wolves 0-3 Arsenal – Gunners Go Five Points Clear Of Spurs At Molineux (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-3 Arsenal Premier League 11th April 2012


The last thing you need when you're scrambling around for points in a relegation dogfight is to suffer a sending-off and a penalty in the opening period of a difficult clash with Arsenal.

Wigan 1-0 Man Utd – Latics Out Of Drop Zone As Red Devils Flop Without Scholes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 1-0 Manchester United Premier League 11th April 2012


Well, well, well! Have Wigan just re-opened the title race courtesy of a shock 1-0 win against Man Utd? With City hammering West Brom tonight, the gap at the top is now down to just five points with five games left to play.

Eight-Year-Old Man City Fan Sends Roberto Mancini Four-Pack Of Fruit Pastilles

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By Alan Duffy


Poor old Roberto Mancini has seen his megabucks Man City side blow their chances of securing a first Premier League title in recent weeks, a capitulation which has left the Italian a less than happy bunny. However, despite all the pressure and stress, Mancini was still touched when he received an unusual gift from eight-year-old City fan, Megan Kinghorn.

KABOOM! Atletico Nacional’s Dorlan Pabon Scores 40-Yard Free Kick Ripsnorter vs Penarol (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chile's Atletico Nacional vs Uruguay's Penarol, Group 8 of the Copa Libertadores, Atletico midfielder Dorlan Pabon steps up to hit a direct free-kick from a shade more than 40 yards out...

Thanks to Pies fan @jespenney for the nudge.

Top 10 Americans To Play In The Premier League

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By Chris Wright

YEEHAA!!! In honour of Clint Dempsey's exemplary exertions this season; superseding Louis Saha's previous record (13) as Fulham's single-season Premier League goalscorer by knocking in his 14th, 15th, and 16th league goals of the campaign over the Easter weekend and taking his overall 2011/12 tally to 22 in the process we thought we'd offer an 'umble doff of our cloth caps to the best rootin' tootin' Yankee Doodle American players to ply their trade this side of the pond.

Snapshot: Santos Laguna’s Felipe Beloy Poses With Young Fan…And Copy Of Playboy

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By Chris Wright

What's that you've got in your bag Mr Beloy?

Via Reddit

Carles Puyol Has Face Stapled Up On Touchline Mid-Game vs Real Zaragoza (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After going 1-0 down after half-an-hour, Barcelona came back to stick four past Real Zaragoza on Saturday with Carles Puyol getting the ball rolling with the equaliser, Messi making it 60 goals for the season with a brace (becoming the first man since Gerd Müller in 1972/'73 to pass the 60-goal barrier) and Pedro adding the icing with a fourth in the 92nd minute.

Newcastle Goal Glutton Papiss Cisse Reveals Source Of His Power – A Woman Named ‘Liz’

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle are, you may have noticed, doing really rather well of late; five games unbeaten, fifth in the Premier League, level on points with Tottenham in fourth, flirting with Champions League qualification and scoring shed loads of goals mostly through one Papiss Demba Cisse.

Muntari Gives Shirt To Chievo Ball Boy, Chievo Ball Boy Not Impressed (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after scoring the winner against Chievo last night, AC Milan midfielder Sulley Muntari attempts to bestow one of the ballboys with a unique gift his shirt only, the wee lad in question doesn't appear to want to trade in sweaty cast-offs.

John Barnes Gets Stuck In Weird Loop While Celebrating Andy Carroll’s Winner vs Blackburn (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Looks like someone needs to CTRL + ALT + DEL John Barnes, and quickly...

Video: 101GG

Liverpool Boss Kenny Dalglish Gives Another Crabby Interview To Sky Sports (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Cheer up, Kenny, you've just watched your team win for the first time in yonks, courtesy of a dramatic last-gasp goal from a much-maligned player! Surely you can see the joy in that?? No?

Andy Burton was the man on the receiving end of yet another tetchy interview from Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish after his side's dramatic 3-2 win at Ewood Park.

Blackburn 2-3 Liverpool – Carroll The Hero As 10-Man Reds Win At Ewood (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers 2-3 Liverpool Premier League 10th April 2012


He's done it! He's finally done it! Liverpool's divine ponytail, Andy Carroll, netted a dramatic winner at Ewood Park on Tuesday night as the Reds battled against a Rovers side desperate to stay clear of the drop-zone.

Mario Balotelli Dodges Ban For Studs-Up Horror Lunge On Alex Song As Referee ‘Saw The Incident’

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By Alan Duffy


"Smashing tackle, Mario but next time actually break his leg!"

Premier League football seems to be reaching a tipping point in terms of the relationship between match officials and clubs. Â More and more managers are venting their frustration at the performance of referees and their assistants as more and more game-changing errors are being made by the men in the black.

Branislav Ivanovic Charged With Violent Conduct For Punching Shaun Maloney In Kidneys (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let you know that Branislav Ivanovic has been charged with violent conduct by the FA for thumping Wigan midfielder Shaun Maloney in the kidneys off the ball an incident that went almost completely unnoticed during the game itself.

Balotelli Dodges Ban For Studs-Up Song Tackle After Ref Martin Atkinson Says He Saw The Incident

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By Alan Duffy


"Smashing tackle, Mario. But next time actually break his leg."

Premier League football seems to be reaching a tipping point in terms of the relationship between match officials and clubs. Â More and more managers are venting their frustration at the performance of referees and their assistants as more and more game-changing errors are being made by the men in the black.

FA Reject QPR Appeal Over Shaun Derry’s Red Card vs Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

Word has just filtered through that the FA have rejected QPR's appeal over Shaun Derry's naff red card against Manchester United on Sunday. On what grounds? We haven't got the foggiest!

Here's the FA's statement in its entirety:

"Queens Park Rangers midfielder Shaun Derry will serve a one match suspension with immediate effect after his claim of wrongful dismissal was rejected by a Regulatory Commission today [Tuesday 10 April].

Straw Poll: Are Liverpool Better Off Without Saint Steven Gerrard?

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By Alan Duffy


Once the undisputed King of Anfield, Steven Gerrard hasn't been able to inspire his ailing Liverpool side to a run of good form since his return from injury this season.

A man of undoubted ability and influence, Gerrard is by no means the perfect player, with his penchant for Hollywood balls one weakness in particular.

Comedian Alan Davies Apologises Over Hillsborough Comments, Donates £1,000 To Justice Campaign

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By Chris Wright

"It's Creek on the left, dips inside..."

Comedian Alan Davies has apologised over comments he made on his football podcast about Liverpool's refusal to play on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster a steadfast decision that has had the knock-on effect of leaving Chelsea with just three days between their game against Tottenham (Sunday 15th April)  and the first leg of their Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.

‘Sepp Blatter’ Dances While Exploiting Brazil: Spoof Viral Tears Strip Off FIFA (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Swiss group Solidar Suisse have launched a campaign to 'blow the whistle' on FIFA's suspect practice of whoring their World Cups out to which ever trick country is desperate enough for a bunk-up, making their money without paying a penny in tax, laying waste to the local infrastructure, then pulling out and rolling their swollen circus out of town in a flurry of 'nuts to your debt' (to use the correct political jargon).

Classic Stretcher FAIL Results In Useless Stretcher Bearer Getting Injured Himself (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during what may or may not be an Iranian third division game, we're treated to your classic stretcher mishap, i.e, one of the chumps ferrying an injured player from the pitch trips and drops the poor crock in question on his arse.

Only, in another added bonus coating of FAIL, the butter-fingered stretcher-bearer rolls his ankle while stumbling and is left writhing on the dog shelf until a third physio comes to his aid and helps him limp back to the bench.

‘I Believe In You, Fernando Torres’ – A Touching Power Ballad (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Someone out there still believes...

Video and song by Jim Daly (@jamesrmdaly) of JD's Football Songs, the very same bloke that bought the world 'The Phil Jones Gurns' song y'know, the one about him looking like a Georgian gargoyle?

Shit Lookalikes: Cesc Fabregas & Contestant On Turkish ‘Survivor’

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By Chris Wright

Nothing shit about this, in fact these guys must share 99.9999% identical DNA like Andy Carroll and a shivering, newborn foal...

Super eagle-eye spot by Pies fan @sprlena.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.

Top 15 Premier League Photos: Bank Holiday Monday

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By Chris Wright

Photos, lovely Bank Holiday photos! Get 'em while they're hot...

'Twas a damp old night at The Cottage

Leon Osman receives a surprise Guaye hug from behind as Gardner and Meta-Gardner look on

Ryan Nelsen goes arse-over-tit as Steve Morison emerges with the ball

Shay "just can't believe the goal was" Given

Papiss Cisse finds the back of then net again

Whatever it is that Mahamadou Diarra has just seen looks like it will haunt him for the rest of his living days

Huthball!

Legend Of The Women’s Game Marta Scores Cheeky Back-Heeled Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Back in Swedish football after the women's league in the USA was postponed, Brazilian superstar Marta Vieira da Silva showed why she is reportedly being paid $400,000 a season to line out for Tyresö with a superb back-heeled goal.

Wearing the number 100 jersey, her attempts at starting a trademark celebratory Brazilian samba with her team-mates was rather less successful, mind.

Samir Nasri Has £10k Flutter With Piers Morgan That He’ll Win Silverware Before Arsenal

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By Chris Wright

As is his perpetual ruddy-faced wont, smarmy 'celebrity' Arsenal fan Piers Morgan took to Twitter to gloat after his side put the kibosh on Man City's title aspirations at the weekend the dribble flecking his jowls as he amused precisely no-one but himself by aiming a few choice Tweets in the direction of City's former-Arsenal contingent.

Samir Nasri Has £10k Flutter With Piers Morgan That He’ll Win Silverware Before Arsenal

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By Chris Wright

As is his perpetual ruddy-faced wont, smarmy 'celebrity' Arsenal fan Piers Morgan took to Twitter to gloat after his side put the kibosh on Man City's title aspirations at the weekend the dribble flecking his jowls as he amused precisely no-one but himself by aiming a few choice Tweets in the direction of City's former-Arsenal contingent.

Hatem Ben Arfa Dribbles His Way To A Wonder-Goal Against Bolton (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

French wing-wizard Hatem Ben Arfa is finally starting to produce the kind of performances for Newcastle which match his talent. Along with Yohan Cabaye, Demba Ba and Papiss Cissé, Ben Arfa is thriving in Alan Pardew's multi-national side. (Interestingly, Pardew once dismissed Arsenal's run in the Champions League by claiming that they weren't really an English side due to all the foreign players in Arsene Wenger's team.

Arsenal 1-0 Man City – City Implode At The Emirates As Arteta Shines For Gunners (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City Premier League 8th April 2012


Coming into this clash at the Emirates, Roberto Mancini knew that if his gold-plated team was to keep alive their title hopes, then they needed to win.

Man Utd 2-0 QPR – Red Devils Move Step Closer To Title, With A Little Help From The Ref (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 8th April 2012


Manchester United look to have wrapped up yet another Premier League trophy after comfortably disposing of QPR at Old Trafford on Sunday.

Championship Snapshot: Michael Brown Ends Jem Karacan’s Season Using Nothing But His Gooch

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By Chris Wright

Skip back to Friday afternoon and Reading kept their timely streak going, beating Leeds 2-0 to temporarily yomp to the top of the Championship thanks to Adam Le Fondre's late double.

As expected, there were a few choice tackles over the course of the game (Leeds' Zac Thompson was sent-off after 13 minutes) with Reading's Jem Karacan finding himself on the receiving end of several 'robust' tackles before Michael Brown's flying gooch-first lunge finally caused the Turkish-ish midfielder to limp off with the 23-year old eventually leaving the Madjeski on crutches.

Xherdan Shaqiri Scores Scintillating Scissor Kick After Four Minutes vs Luzern (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which 20-year old, Bayern Munich-bound Swiss tyro Xherdan Shaqiri opens the scoring for FC Basel in the fourth minute against Luzern in the Swiss Super League with an absolute stonker of a scissor kick.

This is what €10 million gets you in Switzerland these days.

Ashley Young Proves Cheats Prosper With Offside Swan Dive vs QPR (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oh Ashley Young, how I despise thee. Yes, the officials got it all kinds of wrong given that he was a good few feet offside, but that doesn't excuse what Young did next to con a penalty out of referee Lee Mason and prematurely end Shaun Derry's afternoon in the process.

Bad Boy Kaka Topples Pepe With Classic Schoolboy Takedown (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Stone cold playground classic from Kaka and his accomplice Marcelo...

Bad Boy Kaka says...

"You know what raw Rottweiler tastes like? I FRICKIN' DO!!! MWUHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!" *runs away*

Video:Â Caught Offside

Football GIF: Mario Balotelli’s Moronic Studs-Up ‘Tackle’ On Alex Song

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By Chris Wright

Long before Balotelli picked up his fourth red card of his Manchester City career, he butchered Alex Song's knee with a disgusting challenge that went completely unpunished.

Should Mario have walked for this? Damn straight...

(Word of warning: Don't get stuck watching the clock, you'll disappear down a deep, dark hole!

Football GIF: Mario Balotelli’s Moronic Studs-Up ‘Tackle’ On Alex Song

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By Chris Wright

Long before Balotelli picked up his fourth red card of his Manchester City career, he butchered Alex Song's knee with a disgusting challenge that went completely unpunished.

Should Mario have walked for this? Damn straight...

(Word of warning: Don't get stuck watching the clock, you'll disappear down a deep, dark hole!

Case Of Mistaken Identity Sees Pepe Lash Out At Teammate Arbeloa (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After being sent sprawling by Valencia's Pablo Piatti, Real Madrid thug Pepe goes through the motions, attempting to stud his opponent in retaliation only, there's one small problem, Piatti is long gone...

Class act.

Via @Pjuntti

Case Of Mistaken Identity Sees Pepe Lash Out At Teammate Arbeloa (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After being sent sprawling by Valencia's Pablo Piatti, Real Madrid thug Pepe goes through the motions, attempting to stud his opponent in retaliation only, there's one small problem, Piatti is long gone...

Class act.

Via @Pjuntti

Stoke 2-1 Wolves – Connor’s A Gonner As Wolves Lose At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 2-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 7th April 2012


Wolves' look to be headed for the Championship after another disappointing defeat, this time coming at the Britannia Stadium.

Norwich 2-2 Everton – Holt The Hero As Canaries Come From Behind Twice At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City Everton Premier League 7th April 2012


He may not be the most sophisticated of strikers, but chunky hitman Grant Holt is certainly making a name for himself in his first season in the top tier.

West Brom 3-0 Blackburn – Baggies Bounce Back To Dump Rovers In The Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 3-0 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 7th April 2012


Blackburn looked to have turned the corner in recent months, following a number of decent results, but another defeat, this time at the Hawthorns, sees Steve Kean's side slip back into the drop-zone.

Bolton 0-3 Fulham – Deuce On The Double As Whites Batter Bolton (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers Fulham Premier League 7th April 2012


Whether playing in midfield or, as he did on Saturday, up front, Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey is a handful for any defender and against Bolton at the Reebok, the American continued his superb run of form with two first-half goals.

Liverpool 1-1 Aston Villa – Reds Fail To Find Spark Again At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 Aston Villa Premier League 7th April 2012

Liverpool brought to an end a run of three league defeats in a row on Saturday but failed to give the home fans much to cheer about in their 1-1 draw with Premier League strugglers Villa.

Chelsea 2-1 Wigan – Mata Leaves It Late Against Unlucky Latics (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 7th April 2012


Spanish schemer Juan Mata was the match-winner for the Blues on Saturday, with his last-gasp winner keeping Chelsea in touch with fellow Champions League hopefuls Tottenhan and Arsenal.

Sunderland 0-0 Tottenham – Spurs Stumble At The Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-0 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 7th April 2012


While a point away at the Stadium of Light is nothing be be ashamed of, Tottenham's failure to secure all three leaves their Champions League hopes still very much hanging in the balance.

Arsenal Stars Try Out Ballet Dancing In New Citroen Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As part of Citroen's 'The Refined, Redefined' viral push for the new DS5, we see several of the Arsenal first-string we're talking Alex Song, Wojciech Szczesny, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Bacary Sagna limbering up and practising a few pliés and pirouettes before being put through their paces by the girls from the English National Ballet all to the accompaniment of virtuoso classical penis Martin Keown.

Snapshot: New Logo For Indian School Has Air Of Familiarity

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By Chris Wright

There's something eerily familiar about this advert for a public school in India...

Presumably not a finishing school then? Badum tish!

A thousand apologies to the internet for stealing it's punchline.

Via Reddit

Angry PSG Fan Takes Rage Out On Stadium, Stadium Takes Immediate Revenge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a PSG fan, riled by his side's ponderous performance against Bordeaux a fortnight ago, lashes out with a cathartic kick to the side of the stand at the Parc des Princes only, the stadium ain't standing for that kind of merde and duly retaliates.

Swansea 0-2 Newcastle: Super Cissé Steers Magpies Into Top Five (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-2 Newcastle United Premier League 6th April 2012


In-form striker Papiss Demba Cissé kicked off the Easter top tier Programme with another virtuoso performance, this time at the Liberty Stadium.

Brazilian Player Attacks Referee Over Red Card, Gets Arrested On Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming on the very day that Santos president Luis Alvaro Ribeiro warned Neymar not to move to Europe because of the 'violent players and snow' comes this footage of just how placid and good-natured the Brazilian football he'd be leaving behind can be.

In the Campeonato Amazonense on Wednesday night, EC Iranduba played Sao Raimundo a match which saw AM midfielder Volante Derlan throw a shit-fit tantrum he's now liable to regret.

A Curious Day In The Curious Life Of Mario Balotelli

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By Chris Wright

Don't ask us how, but Pies have acquired exclusive access to a page from the diary of one Mario Balotelli...

9:00am - I wake up when the antique cannon I had installed in the bathroom is fired by the homeless man that I hired as my personal cannon man.

Cristiano Ronaldo Not Impressed By ‘Very Ugly’ Fan Caricature, Signs It Anyway (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted after Real Madrid's mauling of APOEL at the Bernabeu on Tuesdaywednesdaywhenever, Cristiano Ronaldo being temporarily put out by a particularly unflattering caricature of him held aloft by an autograph-hunting fan...

To be fair, it's not nearly the most harrowing depiction of Ronaldo we've ever seen, with that title firmly belonging to a float at the 2009 Portugal Carnaval.

Europa League: Athletic Bilbao 2-2 Schalke (6-4 Agg.) – Iberia Rules Supreme As Bilbao Advance (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Don't mind me"

Straight off the bat: What a brilliant two-leg's worth of European football. 180 minutes of full-tilt, whirligig football with ten goals to show for it none of them shabby in the slightest.

After racking up a 4-2 headstart in Gelsenkirchen, Bilbao had the second-leg frighteners put up them when Klaas-Jan Huntelaar's low drive (his 10th goal in the competition and 42nd of the season) put Schalke ahead at the San Mames to bring the Germans back into the tie- only for Ibai Gomez to equalise on the night with a superb curling effort to re-establish the Basque side's aggregate lead four minutes into the second half.

Barcelona Fiddle With Their Testes…An Awful Lot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pocket billiards: The Barcelona way Fiddle, fiddle, tiki, fiddle, fiddle, taka...

Obscene. The look on Clarence Seedorf's face just about sums it up.

Video: TV2 Sport

Happy 90th Birthday Sir Tom Finney – 10 Vintage Photos Of The Preston Legend In His Pomp

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By Chris Wright

One of English football's greatest ever players and most vaunted gentlemen turned 90-years old today, so here's a gallery of beautiful vintage photos of Preston deity Sir Tom Finney in his pomp.

Born on the street next to Deepdale and going on to represent North End 433 times between 1946 and 1960 (though legend has it that he very nearly wobbled and joined Palermo in 1952), Finney will forever be one of if not the ultimate one-club man.

Albert Riera Hospitalised After Going Two Rounds With Felipe Melo At Galatasaray Training

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By Chris Wright


"MUFASA!!"

Galatasaray have just confirmed that an 'incident' involving Felipe Melo and Albert Riera cracked off during training today and is to be dealt with internally.

Said the Turkish side via an official statement:

"As the football team trained today an incident between Felipe Melo and Albert Riera occurred and the duo were sent to the changing room by coach Fatih Terim.

Ipswich Choose Farm As Perfect Setting For New Kit Launch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Never ones to pander to regional stereotypes, Ipswich Town have chosen a farm as the perfect setting for the launch of their new kit for next season...

You see the guy dressed up as a farmer head-to-toe in tweed at the 0:18 mark? He's won a European Cup, that man.

Bosnian Cup Derby Between FK Borac & Zeljeznicar Abandoned After Linesman Stoned On Touchline (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Bosnian Cup semi-final between FK Borac Banjaluka and Zeljeznicar Sarajevo had to be abandoned yesterday evening after home fans began pelting the linesman with stones with one missile drawing blood from the back of the official's cranium...

Serving as a fine example of the hole Bosnian domestic football is currently in, referee Midhat Arnatuvic's decision to abandon the game marked the second successive time the fixture has had to be written off mid-game due to crowd violence, whipped up by nationalist chanting and ethnic provocation.

Champions League: Real Madrid 5-2 APOEL (8-2 Agg.) – Bernabeu Blitz Sets Up Bayern Semi (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

APOEL's heroic Champions League run came to it's inevitable conclusion in the Bernabeu last night, with Real Madrid adding to their comfortable 3-0 first-leg tally by blitzing their Cypriot opponents on their own patch with a five-goal flurry several of which were bordering on indecently beautiful.

Shit Lookalikes: Jorge Jesus & Sandi Toksvig

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By Chris Wright

Jorge Jesus looks like a short, squat, neckless lesbian and Sandi Toksvig looks like a back-combed Benfica coach what more can we say?

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Send it us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet our asses at @waatpies.

Football GIF: Kaka Curls In Jesus-Powered Beauty vs APOEL

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By Chris Wright

(Post-marital) sex on legs that Kaka boy...

GIF: Mocksession

BBC Forced To Apologise Over MOTD2 Host Colin Murray’s ‘Headbutt’ Comment

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By Chris Wright

The BBC have been forced into apologising for comments made by Match of the Day 2 host and 'Spectacle Wearer of the Year 2007′ Colin Murray last Sunday, after receiving several complaints relating to Murray describing Pepe Reina's red-card offence against Newcastle as a 'lame headbutt.

Champions League: Chelsea 2-1 Benfica (3-1 Agg.) – Meireles Stunner Hauls Blues Over The Line (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Having spent the majority of the tie 1-0 up (2-0 up on aggregate) through Frank Lampard's 21st-minute penalty, Chelsea had to ride out what's known in the business as a 'late scare' to secure themselves a berth in the Champions League semi-finals when Javi Garcia's 86th-minute header put ten-man Benfica within another goal of knocking the Blues out on away goals.

Champions League: Chelsea 2-1 Benfica (3-1 Agg.) – Meireles Stunner Hauls Blues Over The Line (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Having spent the majority of the tie 1-0 up (2-0 up on aggregate) through Frank Lampard's 21st-minute penalty, Chelsea had to ride out what's known in the business as a 'late scare' to secure themselves a berth in the Champions League semi-finals when Javi Garcia's 86th-minute header put ten-man Benfica within another goal of knocking the Blues out on away goals.

APOEL’s Paulo Jorge Has Two Teeth Knocked Out, Pulls Another Out Himself vs Real Madrid (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid's second-leg 5-2 pulverising of APOEL at the Bernabeu produced some absolutely beautiful goals (we'll have more on those later) and an impromptu trip to the dentist for Paulo Jorge who had two of his teeth knocked out during a hefty collision with teammate William.

David Ginola Loses Lawsuit Against Former France Boss Gerard Houllier

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By Alan Duffy


Ginola and Houllier in happier days.

According to a French court, David Ginola apparently isn't actually worth it after all. The flowing-locked former Newcastle winger had brought a lawsuit against his former France manager, Gerard Houllier, after a spat which goes back 19 years.

Sniper Keeper Hits Overhead Camera From 50 Yards Away Twice Inside 30 Seconds (Video)

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By Chris Wright

During an Asian Champions League match last night, Al Jazira 'keeper Ali Khaseif managed to ping a clearance off the 'spider' camera winching away overhead.

The game was duly restarted with a drop-ball, with an Esteghlal player returning the ball to Khaseif in a sportsmanlike fashion, only for the dead-eye 'keeper to pick out the spider cam again!

‘There’ll Be A Female PL Manager By 2022′ – Lawrie Sanchez Predicts A Woman Boss Within 10 Years

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By Alan Duffy


"Do me a favour, Sanchez..."

Firstly all these fines for racist abuse, then for homophobic abuse and now former Crazy Gang member Lawrie Sanchez is predicting a female Premier League manager within 10 years!

Vasco’s Nilton Sent Off After Seven Minutes For Brutal Flying Stamp To Back Of Opponent’s Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Copa Libertadores last night, Vasco da Gama substitute Nilton leaves a set of fresh stud marks on the back of Alianza Lima defender Giancarlo Carmona's head with a fearful flying stamp.

Seven minutes after coming on, Nilton was thankfully relieved of his duties with a swift red card.

Champions League: Bayern Munich 2-0 Marseille (4-0 Agg.) – Bayern Edge Ever Closer To Home Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

A consummate first-leg victory and a couple of first-half goals from Ivica Olic saw Bayern Munich comfortably sweep Marseille under the rug at the Allianz Arena last night, putting the Germans to within a semi-final's width (against Real Madrid in all probability)Â of reaching the Champions League final on their home soil come 19th May.

The Best Photo Of Neil Warnock You’re Likely To See Today…

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By Chris Wright

Leeds went on a day trip yesterday to sort out their stuttering Championship form ("Flamingo Land' in case you were wondering) and, while the trip's footballing merits are tenuous at best, it has still managed to provide us with two of the greatest images in the history of still photography Luciano Becchio having his ear tongued by a sea lion and Neil Warnock riding like the wind on a super fast brum brum.

CCTV Footage Of David Goodwillie’s Street Fight Set To Stone Roses (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn striker David Goodwillie pled guilty yesterday to attacking a man by the name of John Friel outside a takeaway in Glasgow's Queen Street at 4am on 3rd November 2010 after watching Friel punch his mate, Dundee United midfielder Danny Swanson, in the back of the head knocking him out cold and leaving him horizontal on the pavement.

Snapshot: UEFA Disciplinary And Fines Chart Leaked

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday, UEFA saw fit to fine Porto the princely sum of €20,000 for their fans aiming monkey chants at Mario Balotelli not so very long ago roughly half the even princely-er sum they charged Arsene Wenger (let alone the three-game ban) for having the nerve to question a few refereeing decisions.

Mario Balotelli Takes Canadian Rap’s Foremost Leon Best Impersonator Out For Curry

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By Chris Wright

BIG NEWS. Mario Balotelli took Canada's answer to Vanilla Ice and rap's première Leon Best impersonator, Drake (government name: Aubrey Drake Graham), out for a curry following Man City's 3-3 draw with Sunderland at the weekend what's more, they were photographed doing so the dirty devils.

Champions League: Barcelona 3-1 AC Milan (3-1 Agg.) – Barca Win At Camp Nou To Mosey Through (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The short and curly of the matter is that Pies' internal gubbins has just deleted my entire sodding match report (just look at Ambrosini's face! He knows how good it was!) and, frankly, I don't care to rewrite it so you'll have to make do with the round-up from this morning's Metro which is, as you can see, a work of minimalist beauty.

Ibrahimovic Chips In With Stunning Goal In Training At The Nou Camp (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of Milan's Champions League humdinger with Barcelona at the Nou Camp (or Camp Nou as pedantic know-it-alls prefer to call it), big Ibra himself scored a rather fine goal in training on that very hallowed Catalan turf.

He may be a right old arrogant so-and-so, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic remains one of the most gifted players in the world.

‘He’s A Load Of Rubbish’ – Paulo Di Canio’s Verdict On Swindon’s Jonathan Tehoue Pulls No Punches

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By Alan Duffy

"Hey you..... you're shit..... and your breath smells..."

If ever there was a man in English football who lived up to the description 'a colourful character', it's Paulo Di Canio (yes, and Mario Balotelli, as well). The Swindon boss certainly wears his heart on his sleeve and is a true believer in the 'honesty is the best policy' theory.

15 Downright Detestable Football Punditry Cliches

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By Chris Wright

1. "A real Keystone Cops moment" We're starting with a real pet hate here. Has anyone actually seen this movie or even so much as heard it referred to outside of the MotD studio? Is it anything like Beverley Hills Ninja?

2.

Shelbourne Concede Woeful Own Goal vs Shamrock Rovers To End Unbeaten Streak (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Forgive the tardiness, but a week or so ago, Stephen Hurley of Shelbourne helped end his side's unbeaten start to their League of Ireland Premier Division season by scoring the second goal in Shamrock Rovers' 4-0 rout.

And a stinker it was too..

Spotted by our Oirish brethren over at Balls.

Inter Milan Superfan ‘Nonna Maria’ Celebrates 113th Birthday, Making Her Nine Years Older Than The Club Itself!

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By Chris Wright

Spare a bit of sympathy for the poor sod who was sent out to find 113 candles

Today marks the birthday of Inter Milan's oldest living fan, 'Nonna Maria', who was born on April 3rd get this 1899 (the 19th century boyo!

Grant Hanley Delivers Nasty Elbow To Paul Scholes’ Jaw (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Another one that seems to have passed under the radar; Grant Hanley's really rather disgusting elbow assault on Paul Scholes' ginger jaw...

Grim, malicious, entirely deliberate and apparently only worthy of a booking!

24 Lovely Photos From Champions League Training Sessions

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By Chris Wright

Whether you're after Xabi Alonso captured clearly in the act of wetting himself or Didier Deschamps looking bored to within an inch of his sanity, we gots loads of photos from yesterday and today's pre-Champions League quarter-final second leg training sessions for your eyes only.

Bari’s Andrea Masiello Admits Match-Fixing, Moved To Prison Hospital For Fear Of Violent Attacks

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday, 27-year old Bari centre-half Andrea Masiello confessed to receiving upwards of €50,000 (£41, 600) for scoring an own-goal and ensuring that his side lost against local rivals Lecce in the Serie A last season.

Masiello has been detained in Bari prison after his arrest, while eight other Bari players are now under investigation for similar offences.

Shit Lookalikes: Rangers Villain Craig Whyte & Swiss Toni

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By Chris Wright

"You know, they say ruining a football club is a lot like making love to a beautiful women. First you have to promise her the Earth (or all future ticket revenues) to get into bed with her, then once you've spluffed your meagre wad you pull out and run away as fast as your little legs can carry you!

Marouane Chamakh & Adel Taarabt ‘Caught’ Smoking Sisha Pipes After QPR-Arsenal

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By Chris Wright

Scandal! Round up the children! Release the honey badgers! Alert the President!

No, we're not talking about Chamakh's increasingly disgusting placenta-slathered hair, but the fact that he and his Moroccan chum Adel Taarabt have been photographed huffing on (perfectly legal) sisha pipes in a London bar MERE HOURS after QPR's 2-1 win over Arsenal at the weekend.

David De Gea’s Impressive String Of Saves vs Blackburn (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Turns out this De Gea lad's alright after all, in fact he's really rather good at this goalkeepering malarkey...

The save from Olsson in GIF flavour...

Said Fergie after the game:

"David made three fantastic saves to keep us in the game.

Football GIF: Newcastle vs Liverpool Dive No.3 – Cabaye Goes Down Like Sack O’ Cow Dung

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By Chris Wright

Turns out Messrs Carroll and Perch weren't the only cheating, feigning dreckbags at the Sports Direct Megastore Arena on Sunday, as Yohan Cabaye also got into the spirit of the afternoon an incident that appears to have passed under the radar somewhat.

Blackburn 0-2 Man Utd – Late Ewood Win Sees Red Devils Go Five Points Clear Of City (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers 0-2 Manchester United Premier League 2nd April 2012


In an entertaining game at Ewood Park, Manchester United produced one of their trademark late victories to put themselves in pole position for yet another Premier League title.

‘I Want To Punch Him In His N*gger Head’ – Racist Twitter Abuse Of James Perch To Be Investigated By Police

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By Chris Wright

*sigh*

Police have launched an investigation after receiving a complaint about racist abuse aimed at James Perch on Twitter following his various antics against Liverpool on Sunday.

The Twitter user, believed to be a 17-year-old Liverpool fan who works at a supermarket, tweeted: "I want to punch Perch in his n*gger head!

Brazilian Ballboy Runs Onto Pitch, Denies Certain Goal, Legs It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

During Sunday afternoon's Campeonato Sergipano (local league) match in Brazil, with the Guarany 'keeper stranded after coming up for a last-minute corner, opponents Sergipe mount a swift counter-attack which culminates in their winger bobbling a shot past a wrong-footed defender an into what was theoretically supposed to be an empty net.

20 Utterly Craptacular Football Mascots

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By Chris Wright

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

1. Spitfire the Dog, Eastleigh FC

That hat...

(Thanks to @Iwantcurlyhair2 for the nudge)

2. Hammerhead, West Ham

Like Optimus Prime's cross-eyed little brother.

Snapshot: Daniele De Rossi’s Calf Tattoo Is Quite Something

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By Chris Wright

Sorry Daniele, but that's just shit mate...

"Thass ma tacklin' leg!"

(Via @romanisti)

Steven Gerrard Shoos Kenny Dalglish Off The Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Eighth place, below Everton, 31 points off the top, second bottom of the top flight's 2012 form league and on course for their worst ever Premier League finish, King Kenny Dalglish is rapidly losing is monarchical lustre at Anfield being, as he is, currently in the act of helming Liverpool on their worst run of form for 59 years.

Were AC Milan Jilted Out Of Another ‘Ghost Goal’ vs Catania? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Roughly a month since Sulley Muntari failed to register with a header that breached the goal-line by a clear yard against Juventus, AC Milan found themselves on the stinky end of another 'ghost goal' at the weekend though it must be said that Robinho's goal-bound trundler during the Rossoneri's 1-1 draw with Catania on Sunday was altogether less clear cut.

14 Brilliant Retro Photos Of Giorgio Chinaglia RIP

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By Chris Wright

Giorgio Chinaglia, one of the most idiosyncratic footballers of all time and a member of the New York Cosmos' glittering late 1970s NASL line-up, was found dead at his house in Flordia yesterday morning after apparently suffering complications following heart surgery.

Ronaldinho Buggers Up An Absolute Sitter vs Bangu (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oh dear, oh dear...

Said Ronaldinho apres le match:

"It was an easy chance, but the ball got stuck in my ankle."

...which, by way of an artist's impression, we think would look a little like this...

For the record, Flamengo went on to win 2-1 no thanks to a certain dentally-unorthodox Brazilian malingerer.

Snapshot: Andy Carroll Action Figure Is Clearly Faulty

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By Chris Wright

Via @BeardedGenius

Snapshot: Andy Carroll Action Figure Is Clearly Faulty

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By Chris Wright

Via @BeardedGenius

Spartak Moscow Fans Taunt Zenit With Crude Lion Mascot/Fellatio Tifo (NSFW-ish Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a group of Spartak Moscow fans get around to unveiling their homemade tifo against Zenit St Petersburg a mock up of Zenit's lion mascot with a hole cut strategically in the mouth to enable the repeated insertion of a large fleshy, phallic object of some sort.

Spartak Moscow Fans Taunt Zenit With Crude Lion Mascot/Fellatio Tifo (NSFW-ish Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a group of Spartak Moscow fans get around to unveiling their homemade tifo against Zenit St Petersburg a mock up of Zenit's lion mascot with a hole cut strategically in the mouth to enable the repeated insertion of a large fleshy, phallic object of some sort.

Football GIF: Andy Carroll’s Shameful Open Goal Dive vs Newcastle

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By Chris Wright

Andy Carroll's shameful, ridiculous, nonsensical dive while clean through against Newcastle yesterday; like a cantering pit pony getting it's hind leg caught in a cattle grid...

The 'keeper sprawled in his wake, an otherwise unguarded goal yawning afore him and Carroll rather than run the risk of getting his shot away decided to go fishing for a penalty instead.

Spurs 3-1 Swansea – Lilywhites Go Level On Points With Arsenal After Deserved Victory At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-1 Swansea City Premier League 1st April 2012


After being on the good side of a gap between themselves and rivals Arsenals in the table for so long, Tottenham have found themselves chasing the Gunners for third place in recent weeks.

Newcastle 2-0 Liverpool – Reds’ Misery Continues As Magpies Eye Top Four Place (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-0 Liverpool Premier League 1st April 2012


Returning to Newcastle for the first time since moving to Anfield, misfiring Liverpool striker Andy Carroll once again failed to live up to even a bit of the £35million paid for him by Kenny Dalglish.

Wigan 2-0 Stoke – Latics Keep Survival Dream Alive After Vital Win Against Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 2-0 Stoke City Premier League 31st March 2012


Wigan pulled off a thoroughly vital victory against Stoke at the DW Stadium on Saturday, a result that sees them now level on points with both QPR and Blackburn.

Mario Balotelli Comes To Aid Of Man Collapsed In Car Park (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming on the very same day as his impromptu appearance in new Inter Milan coach Andrea Stamaccioni's introductory press conference, here we see Mario Balotelli  - armed with little more than an off-camera bottle of water- coming to the aid of a young man collapsed in a car park

April Fools?

Fulham 2-1 Norwich – Deadly Dempsey Fires Fulham To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 2-1 Norwich City Premier League 31st March 2012


Surely one of the most under-rated players in the Premier League, Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey netted his 13th league goal of the season on Saturday as Fulham chalked up an impressive win against Norwich.

Everton 2-0 West Brom – Toffees Leapfrog Liverpool After Impressive Goodison Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 31st March 2012


David Moyes' in-form Everton side jumped above rivals Liverpool in the table, at least temporarily, after a good performance against West Brom at Goodison Park.

Wolves 2-3 Bolton – Trotters Secure Vital Comeback Win At Molineux (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

For large parts of this game, Terry Conner's Wolves side were by far the better team. Indeed, after bossing the first half, they eventually opened the scoring on 53 minutes when Michael Kightly produced a superb shot which curled passed Adam Bogdan in the Bolton goal.