Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

French International Mathieu Debuchy Set To Join Alan Pardew’s French Revolution At Newcastle United

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By Alan Duffy

With Yohan Cabaye, Hatem Ben Arfa, Sylvain Marveaux, and Gabriel Obertan all currently at the club along with French-born Senegal international Demba Ba and youngsters Romain Amalfitano(French) andMehdi Abeid(Algerian, French-born), Alan Pardew's Newcastle has become something of a French Quarter in the north-east.

QPR 0-3 Liverpool – Super Suarez Smacks Redknapp’s Rangers Hoops Upside Their Head (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 0-3 Liverpool Premier League 30th December 2012

Not for the first time this season, Luis Suarez was Liverpool's star man as the Uruguayan inspired the Reds to a comfortable win against a dismal QPR.

Bagging a brace within the first 16 minutes, Suarez's job was made all the easier by some appalling defensive errors by the Rangers' backline.

Snapshot: Chelsea Fan Has Frankie Lampard In Her Heart, But Very Little In Her Brain

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By Alan Duffy

Not really much one can say about this really. Except, surely it's not that difficult to correctly spell the name of the person who owns your (apparently) beloved club and the person who is the target of your banner.

Photos are like these are dripping in FAIL.

Everton 1-2 Chelsea – Franks For The Memories? Lampard Bags A Timely Brace As Blues Stay In Title Race (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-2 Chelsea Premier League 30th December 2012

Blues' legend Frankie Lamps served the powers that be at Stamford bridge a timely reminder of his goal-scoring talents as the midfielder, who looks unlikely to stay with Chelsea after this season, bagged a vital brace at Goodison Park.

Fulham 1-2 Swansea – Whites Slip Towards Drop-Zone As Swans End Winless Run (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-2 Swansea City Premier League 29th December 2012

After enjoying a good start to the 2012/13 Premier League season, Martin Jol's Fulham are plummeting in dramatic style and now find themselves just four points clear of the relegation zone.

Reading 1-0 West Ham – Pogrebnyak Fires Royals To Vital Win Against Hammers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 1-0 West Ham United Premier League 29th December 2012

Pavel Pgrebnyak, a player who has rather struggled to match his initial form in the Premier League in recent months, netted a precious winner for Reading in their 1-0 home win over West Ham.

Stoke 3-3 Southampton – Jerome Rocket Rescues Point For Potters As Saints Shine At the Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 3-3 Southampton Premier League 29th December 2012

Prior to yesterday's clash, The Britannia Stadium hadn't witnessed too many goals this season, as draw specialists Stoke usually nullified their opponents without scoring too many themselves.

Arsenal 7-3 Newcastle – Wonderful Walcott Mauls Magpies In 10-Goal Stunner At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 7-3 Newcastle United Premier League 29th December 2012

At the end of Arsenal's bizarre 7-3 thrashing of Newcastle, hat-trick hero and man of the match made sure to salute every corner of the stadium. One wonders if he was saying goodbye to the Arsenal faithful ahead of the transfer window?

Arsene Wenger Suffers From A Touch Of ‘The Balotellis’, Struggles To Do Up Zip On Coat (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

To be fair, we've all been there 'there' being that annoying situation where your zip won't close/open properly.

For Arsene Wenger, while his Arsenal side were thrashing Newcastle at the Emirates, albeit after quite a battle, it was the zip on his trademark long coat which seemed to be giving him more of a headache than even Kieran Gibbs appalling defending.

Aston Villa 0-3 Wigan – Pressure Mounts On Paul Lambert As Feeble Villans Fall To Latics (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-3 Wigan Athletic Premier League 29th December 2012

Coming on the back of that 8-0 drubbing at Chelsea and a 4-0 hammering by Spurs, Paul Lambert's Aston Villa hosted fellow strugglers Wigan Athletic in the hope of putting an end to their dreadful run of form.

Man Utd 2-0 West Brom – Baggies Push Red Devils All The Way At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 29th December 2012

Despite having the vast majority of both the possession and the chances at Old Trafford on Saturday, league-leaders Manchester United struggled to break down Steve Clarke's impressive West Brom.

Norwich 3-4 Man City – 10-Man Citizens Battle To Victory At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 3-4 Manchester City Premier League 29th December 2012

Manchester City bounced back from that shock defeat at the Stadium of Light by securing all three points at Carrow Road, albeit in a less than comfortable.

Having gone two goals up, both courtesy of Edin Dzeko, City looked to be cruising to a simply away victory.

Sunderland 1-2 Tottenham – Lilywhites Go Third After Comeback Win At The Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 29th December 2012

AVB's Spurs side moved into third place in the table after coming from behind to beat Sunderland at the Stadium of Light.

Irish defender John O'Shea had given the home side the lead on 40 minutes, somewhat against the run of play.

Football GIF: Emmanuel Adebayor Hits Crossbar From Just Two Yards Out

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham did ultimately go on to win this clash with Sunderland at the Stadium of Light, but striker Emmanuel Adebayor's ultra-close-range miss in the first-half could have proved costly for the Lilywhites.

It's quite a miss.

Enjoy...

Tactics spotlight – who should Liverpool play on the wing against QPR?

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Raheem Sterling's impact for Liverpool this season has been highly impressive, but the young winger desperately needed a break from first-team duties. Signs of fatigue were creeping into Sterling's game in recent weeks, while the psychological impact of being thrust into the media limelight can't be underestimated, especially for a youngster that has shown signs of indiscipline.

‘Alan Pardew Is A Hypocrite’ – Sir Alex Ferguson Tells Newcastle Boss To Button It

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By Alan Duffy

The fallout from Fergie's much-discussed 'words' with ref Mike Dean on Boxing Day continues to be felt, with Newcastle boss Alan Pardew getting both barrels from the United boss.

Pardew had criticised Sir Alex for his barracking of Dean at half-time during the Magpies' 4-3 defeat at Old Trafford, saying:

"I think Mike Dean might feel slightly disappointed he didn't do something about it.

Man City Mascot Kid Gets Confused At Stadium Of Light, Misses Out On Pre-Match Handshakes (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It's not easy being a child sometimes, and for one young man, his big day as a Man City mascot ended in confusion as he got lost in a sea of handshaking footballers.

Indeed, he'd probably still be standing there, wide-eyed, had Sunderland's Carlos Cuellar not patted him on the head.

Everton 2-1 Wigan – Latics Lose Again As In-Form Toffees Extend Unbeaten Run (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 26th December 2012

Everton moved up to fifth in the table after beating strugglers Wigan at Goodison Park, a result which sees the Toffees' unbeaten run extended to an impressive seven games.

In what was a scrappy game, the home side had the lion's share of possession in the first period, but failed to make the breakthrough.

QPR 1-2 West Brom – Redknapp Fumes After Controversial Winner Sends Hoops Back To The Bottom (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers West Bromwich Albion Premier League 26th December 2012

Queens Park Rangers headed back to the bottom of the table on Boxing Day after a controversial afternoon at Loftus Road.

The Baggies started superbly and were eventually rewarded for their incisive play with an excellent goal from Chris Brunt, who fired home fromMarc Antoine-Fortune's pass.

Fulham 1-1 Southampton – Berbatov Bags His Fifth Boxing Day Goal But Whites Can Only Draw With Saints (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-1 Southampton Premier League 26th December 2012

Dimitar Berbatov netted the fifth Boxing Day goal of his Premier League career, a joint-high total, as Fulham played out a hard-fought draw with Southampton at Craven Cottage. Although the less said about his home-made t-shirt the better.

Reading 0-0 Swansea – Swans Fail To Break Down Resolute Royals At The Madejski (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 0-0 Swansea City Premier League 26th December 2012

Despite dominating for at least the first hour of this Boxing Day clash, Swansea couldn't break down a hard-working Reading side at the Liberty Stadium.

Michu did have a great chance to open the scoring in the first period, only to blast his effort over the bar.

Hot stuff: Best kids TV shows ever, worst toys ever, MP3 players dying but records are back

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Top stories from Anorak, Pies and our pals

The ten worst ever toys

Great shots of bonkers Christmas day sea swimmers

This year's most ungrateful kids, courtesy of Twitter

10 things we changed our minds about in 2012 from the unsackability of Arsene Wenger to The Olympics

The five best kids TV programmes ever (for adults).

Snapshot: Hat-Trick Hero Gareth Bale Puts Match Ball On Top Of Xmas Tree, Tweets Picture

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By Alan Duffy

After deftly putting Aston Villa to the sword, Tottenham's fleet-footed superstar Gareth Bale decided to adorn his Christmas tree with the match ball from the game at Villa Park. And then Tweet it along with the message -

"Given the time of year, thought I'd give this pride of place.

Stoke 3-1 Liverpool – Britannia Rules As Flimsy Reds Outgunned By Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 3-1 Liverpool Premier League 26th December 2012

Despite going ahead after just two minutes, Liverpool were ultimately well beaten by Stoke at the Britannia in a game which highlighted both the home side's strengths and the visitors' weaknesses.

Aston Villa 0-4 Tottenham – Bale Bosses Boxing Day As Villans Battered Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 26th December 2012

I must admit, I always thoughts that Welsh wing-wizard Gareth Bale was more than a tad over-rated,the product of hype over substance. However, this season, the former Southampton man has started to live up to the hype and against Aston Villa on Boxing Day, the 23-year-old showed us all just what he is capable of, netting a fine second-half hat-trick.

Sunderland 1-0 Man City – Johnson On Target As Citizens Lose Ground In Title Race (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-0 Manchester City Premier League 26th December 2012

While United were securing a dramatic victory at Old Trafford, their nearest rivals in all senses of the word were struggling at the Stadium of Light.

Despite staying close to the top of the table throughout the season so far, the Citizens haven't looked nearly as good as they did for large parts of their victorious 2011/12 campaign and once again, they failed to click against Sunderland.

Man Utd 4-3 Newcastle – Comeback Kings Do It Again, Battle Back To Beat Magpies At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 4-3 Newcastle United Premier League 26th December 2012

United are well known for their never-say-die attitude and ability to fight back to win vital points when the odds have been stacked against them. But this season the Red Devils have taken this penchant for comebacks to a whole new level, with their 4-3 Boxing Day win over Newcastle a perfect example.

Norwich 0-1 Chelsea – Juan In A Million Mata Fires Blues To Victory At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 0-1 Chelsea Premier League 26th December 2012

Chelsea didn't quite reach of the goal-filled heights of their recent 8-0 drubbing of Aston Villa, but in battling hard for a 1-0 win away at Norwich they showed spirit which will no doubt have impressed manager Rafa Benitez.

Very Merry Christmas From Pies! Non-Denominational Seasons Greetings To One And All!

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By Chris Wright

Hello there chaps and chapettes. This is just a wee heads-up that yours truly will be away for a few days on my annual post- Christmas break to recharge, recoup and ready myself to come back swinging in the New Year.

That said, Pies won't be going completely AWOL over the festive period as Alan will still be dropping in occasionally to keep things ticking over because that's just the kind of guy he is: a bloody good egg.

Jozy Altidore Pays Tribute To Newtown Shooting Victims, Writes All 26 Names On Boots (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

American striker Jozy Altidore, currently of AZ Alkmaar, daubed the names of all 26 people (mainly children) who died in the tragic Newtown shooting before his recent Eredivisie game against Twente as a small, but non-the-less heartfelt tribute...

(Image via OTP)

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 18 – Official Coventry City Hardhat

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By Chris Wright

If you're still scrabbling for Christmas gift ideas we've got a bit of bad news: it's far, far too late.

That said, we're going to squeeze in more before the sand runs through the Boggle timer of fate and we're finishing up with perhaps the worst footballing gift we're ever seen: The official Coventry City hardhat.

Chelsea 8-0 Aston Villa – Blues Go Goal-Crazy At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 8-0 Aston Villa Premier League 23rd December 2012

Bloody hell! I wonder how many of those 'Rafa Out' banners are, as we speak, quietly beingfolded up and put away in homes around west London this evening, or indeed, simply being chucked in the bin?

Swansea 1-1 Man Utd – Michu Strikes Again As Swans Stifle Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-1 Manchester United Premier League 23rd December

The £2million purchasing of Michu by Michael Laudrup must go down as one of the canniest signings of this season at least, with the attacking midfielder flourishing in a striking role for the Swans.

Football GIF: Did Ashley Williams Mean To Smack RVP In The Head With The Ball?

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By Alan Duffy

According to Sir Alex Ferguson, Ashley William's launching of the ball into the back of RVP's head could have killed the Dutch striker and the Scotsman now wants the Swansea defender banned.

What do you think, did he do it on purpose?

One thing's for sure though, Williams will have won himself a lot of new fans in north London.

West Brom 2-1 Norwich – Baggies End Canaries’ Unbeaten Run At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 2-1 Norwich City Premier League 22nd December 2012

Norwich's impressive 10-game unbeaten run finally came to an end at the Hawthorns on Saturday, as the Baggies came from behind to win 2-1.

Wideman Robert Snodgrass opened the scoring with yet another direct free-kick, his third such goal of the season so far, as the Canaries impressed in the first period.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 17 – VfB Stuttgart Permanent Marker Pen

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By Chris Wright

The big day is almost upon us, but still the wonmderfully festive football gift pointers keep on a-comin'...

That'll be just €3 to you mate.

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No.

‘Trickier Than A Monkey Up A Monkey Tree!’ – Commentator Ray Hudson Suffers Another Incomprehensible Messi-gasm (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi ensured he finished up on 91 goals for the calendar year by tucking one away against Valladolid last night, with GOL TV colour commentator and card-carrying delirious Messi fanboy Ray Hudson suffering another of his utterly incomprehensible Messi-gasms (skip to 5:33).

Football GIF: Did Stewart Downing Mean His Deft Assist For Steven Gerrard?

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By Chris Wright

Well played for breaking his duck and all, but there's no way in friggin' hell that Downing meant that to reach Gerrard. It was being turned inside for Glen Johnson all day long.

Feel free to argue, BUT YOU'RE WRONG. Take it from a man who's misplaced a fair-few through-balls in his time!

West Ham 1-2 Everton – Toffees Come From Behind To Win In Eventful Clash At The Boleyn Ground (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-2 Everton Premier League 22nd December 2012

In quite a dramatic afternoon at Upton Park, David Moyes' Everton side came from a goal down to secure a valuable win against West Ham.

Carlton Cole opened the scoring on 14 minutes with a fine strike, but only after a Leon Osman goal had been harshly disallowed by the referee's assistant, who flagged for an apparent Victor Anichebe block on 'keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen.

Liverpool 4-0 Fulham – Downing Back To His Best As Reds Thrash Woeful Whites (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 4-0 Fulham Premier League 22nd December 2012

The world may have not ended yesterday, but today Stewart Downing's conjured up a performance of earth-shaking significance, netting his first goal in the league for Liverpool as well as providing an assist for captain Steven Gerrard.

Man City 1-0 Reading – Last-Gasp Goal From Barry Quells Royals Revolt At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-0 Reading Premier League 22nd December 2012

The unlikely figure of Gareth Barry was the goal-hero for Man City on Saturday, after the champions struggled to break down a well-organised Reading side.

Coming to the Etihad on the back of that 5-2 drubbing by Arsenal, the Royals were expected to suffer a right hammering by the Citizens.

Tottenham 0-0 Stoke – Lilywhites Struggle At The Lane Against Well-Drilled Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham 0-0 Stoke Premier League 22nd December 2012

Draw specialists Stoke came to White Hart Lane on Saturday with their eye on a European place, and after another impressive and organised display, their hopes of a Europa League spot next season remain very realistic.

Wigan 0-1 Arsenal – Gunners Win Again After Tough Battle At The DW (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 0-1 Arsenal Premier League 22nd December 2012

Mikel Arteta's second-half spot-kick was enough to secure Arsenal their third win in a row at a wet DW Stadium.

Roberto Martinez started Irish schemer James McCarthy in a deep-lying libero role and the Latics kept the Gunners at bay impressively in the first-half.

Yaya Toure Wins African Player Of The Year Second Time In A Row

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By Alan Duffy

In a decision that you can really argue with, Manchester City's all-action powerhouse Yaya Touré has bagged the African Player of the Year award, thus holding on to the prize he won in 2011.

Touré has been an absolute giant in the centre of City's midfield since joining from Barcelona and it's probably fair to say that there is no better box to box midfielder in the world today.

Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #16

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XVI and the Island of Misfit Toys...

Very flattering...

Who could forget Kazuyuki Toda?

Two tickets to the gun show...

Once again, many beacoup thanks to our friends over at Old School Panini for letting us sift their wares.

AC Milan Squad Launch Two-Footed Tackle On Wham’s Last Christmas, Stamp On It, Then Spit In Its Face (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Oh what festive japes these footballers get up to. Actually, it's nice to see these multi-millionaire superstars making right tits of themselves and good on them for having a sense of humour too.

The latest stars to get into the Christmas spirit are the Rossaneri, who beautifully murder Wham's festive classic Last Christmas.

Raul Meireles Given 11-Game Ban For Spitting (And Making ‘Homosexual’ Gesture) At Referee, Doesn’t Take It Well

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By Chris Wright

Fenerbahce midfielder Raul Meireles has been banned for 11 games by the Turkish Football Federation after being foundguilty of spitting at the referee during his club's derby game against Galatasaray at the weekend a game in which Meireles was also sent-off for picking up two yellow cards.

Friday Tactics: Who Should Roberto Martinez Play Upfront Against The Gunners?

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Wigan's perennial 'great escape' means they are accustomed to their current proximity to the relegation zone, but Roberto Martinez's side are on a particularly poor run. Only one win in seven, at home to bottom club Reading, leaves them just outside the relegation zone. And with Aston Villa and QPR showing signs of improvement, Wigan need to start picking up points.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 16 – Portland Timbers Salt & Pepper Pots

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By Chris Wright

Seasonal seasoning...

Reduced to clear: only $5 from the Timbers store.

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No.

The Day Futsal Falcao Showed Up At Man City’s Academy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Filmed back in October 2010 but posted to their official Youtube account yesterday, here's footage from the day that Futsal Falcao showed up at Carrington and ejaculated his mad skilllllz all over the academy lad's faces...

Brap, brap, *finger snap*, baaaantz, etc, etc.

Sao Paulo Sign Bayern Munich Defender Breno On Three-Year Deal… Even Though He’s Serving Three-Year Prison Sentence For Arson

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By Chris Wright

Having already snaffled up Lucio after he was jettisoned by Juventus last week, Sao Paulo are obviously in the market for defensive cover at the moment and it would appear that they are scouring every available option including those Brazilian centre-halves who are currently in jail in Germany for burning their own houses to a cinder.

Yaya Touré Wins African Player Of The Year For A Second Time In A Row

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By Alan Duffy

In a decision that you can really argue with, Manchester City's all-action powerhouse Yaya Touré has bagged the African Player of the Year award, thus holding on to the prize he won in 2011.

Touré has been an absolute giant in the centre of City's midfield since joining from Barcelona and it's probably fair to say that there is no better box to box midfielder in the world today.

Hot Stuff: Cheap Beatles Albums, Weird Gadgets And The Best Christmas Records Ever…

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Great reads from Pies, Anorak and out pals...

The best Christmas records ever

Great video of how cows deal with a car crash

Who is going to shape 2013. 15 men to watch in tech, sport and style

The six most under-rated Beatles albums going cheap now too

How to dress like Bradley Wiggins

2012′s 20 weirdest gadgets and gifts from the t-shirt that thinks it is a guitar to the cushion that control your telly

Real Madrid's new shirt leaked

The Champions League draw was identical to the rehearsal!

Rapid Bucharest File For Insolvency, Sack All Foreign Players By Email

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By Chris Wright

Times are hard at Rapid Bucharest at the moment, with the penniless Romanian club forced to file for insolvency after running up substantial debts though you'll be glad to know that they have a plan, unless you happen to be one of the 11 foreign players on their books that is.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 15 – Valencia Mattress, Electric Toothbrush & Oriental Hand Fan

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By Chris Wright

It's a little late in the day, but still those Christmas gift ideas keep on coming...

Sadly, this little beauty a snip at only€200 -isn't available outside of Spain. We can imagine nothing finer than a night of relaxing slumber on your very own Valencia mattress before waking up and readying one's mouth for the day with one's very own Valencia electric tootbrush (€12).

Champions League Last 16 Draw: Actual Fixtures Exactly Same As Rehearsal, Odds Of That Happening About ’1 In 2 Million’

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at there is actually a Sky Sports News graphic from yesterday when UEFA conducted their rehearsal for the Champions League last 16 draw though, by some bizarre twist of fate/rigging, today's actual draw has produced exactly the same ties!

Zidane Executes Nifty Volley During Ronaldo’s Charity Match, Neymar Makes Girl Cry By Hugging Her (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Last night saw 'Friends of Zidane' square off against 'Friends of Ronaldo' in the latter's annual charity football match, with the former notching with a sweet, knee knack-defying volley...

"You still got it!" *clap clap clap* "You still got it!" *clap clap clap*

Fresh from his brilliant 360° reverse rainbow free-kick on Tuesday night, Brazilian futsal legend Falcao also scored for Zizou's team proving that he's also fairly handy at the scaled-up version of the game.

Shit Lookalikes: Boca Juniors Coach Carlos Bianchi & Larry David

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By Chris Wright

For the full effect...

Bianchi is Boca Juniors' most successful ever coach and has just returned for a third stint at the club.

Frankly, if you don't know who David is then we can't be friends.

Gorra Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Let’s Play A Game: Name This Football-Related Sound… (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

Like so many local radio stations before us, we thought we start the morning with a quick game of 'Name That Sound'...

Definitely a tough one. If we didn't already know the answer we'd be sorely tempted to go with 'camp Welsh cat coming out of a coma'.

Robbie Keane Surprises Couple In Australia On Skype, Polite Awkwardness Ensues (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In a little festive advertising by the Three mobile network in Ireland, LA Galaxy striker Robbie Keane took part in a lovely yet utter-excruciating little Skype viral moment.

An Irish couple living in Australia thought they were going to just have a chat with some relatives back in old mother Eireann, but then Mr.

Capital One Cup: Leeds 1-5 Chelsea – Blues Batter Leeds At Rainy Elland Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Leeds United 1-5 Chelsea Capital One Cup 19th December 2012

Fresh from their Club World Cup defeat, Chelsea got back to winning ways at Elland Road on Wednesday night, coming from a goal down to eventually hammer Leeds 5-1, a result which keeps the Blues on course for League Cup success.

Martin Skrtel Nervously Inks First Ever Tattoo On Liverpool Fan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Royal Ink tattoo parlour in Liverpool recently put on a fund-raising day for the Hillsborough families by offering 96 Liverpool fans 'JFT96′ tattoos in return for a minimum £9.60 donation to the charity.

One brave/foolish fan (delete as you see fit) was even lucky/unfortunate (again, delete as you see fit) to talk Martin Skrtel into putting the finishing touches to his tattoo.

Championship Snapshot: When Craig Mackail-Smith Wins A Penalty, He Does It With Panache…

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By Chris Wright

No messing about: legs buckled, eyes closed, arms stretched heaven-wards, hair delicate and lank, mouth agog and emitting a soft, mournful whelp. Text book stuff from Craig Mackail-Smith against Millwall last night..

Instantly brings to mind...

Makail-Smith's penalty box technique certainly impressed Kazenga Lua-Lua.

Barcelona Coach Tito Vilanova Suffers Suspected Tumour Relapse, Likely To Step Down

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By Chris Wright

There's no official word as yet, but many Spanish news outlets and journalists are reporting this morning that Barcelona coach Tito Vilanova has suffered a relapse of theparotid gland tumour he had surgically removed in November of last year.

It is thought that Barca will look to bring in a temporary replacement for Vilanova while he once again battles the illness, with rumours abound that Pep Guardiola may be persuaded to return on an interim basis though, of course, that isn't the important thing here.

Spot The Baller Christmas Edition: 19 Dec, 2012 – The Snowman (Now With Added Clue!)

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By Chris Wright

It's the last edition before Spot The Baller takes a Christmas break, so we thought we'd ramp up the festivities by slapping the crudely cut-and-pasted face of Aled Jones' best mate over this mystery man.

Who it be walking in the air dicking around in the snow?

Shit Lookalikes: Arsene Wenger & Spider-Man’s Aunt May

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By Chris Wright

Excellent spot from @heartrealmadrid, absolutely brilliant stuff.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over @waatpies if you be in to all that gubbins n' junk.

‘I Didn’t Want To Do It’ – Henning Berg Flees Blackburn Christmas Party After Being Made To Wear Michael Jackson Wig

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By Chris Wright

Henning Berg doesn't stop til he's had enough

Blackburn manager Henning Berg 'stormed' (the tabloid media's words, not ours) out of the the club's Christmas party on Monday after being made to wear a Michael Jackson wig and and a Christmas stocking on his head.

This May Or May Not Be The New 2013/14 Real Madrid Home Shirt (Leaked Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Via our Uruguayan football shirt-fetishist brethen at Todo Sobre Camisetas, this is a leaked photo of what is supposedly the new Real Madrid shirt for next season...

Very smart. Love the piping detail on the cuffs. Nice to see a splash of colour on a Real Madrid shirt after several years of very similar duotone designs.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 14 – Official Hamburg Hi-Vis Jacket

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By Chris Wright

For all those kids out there whose only wish this Christmas is to be able to dress up like a steward at the Imtech Arena comes this: The official Hamburger SV Hi-Vis safety jacket, available from the club store for just €15...

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series.

The Best 360º Reverse Rainbow Kick Freekick Goal You’ll See Today, Courtesy Of Futsal Legend Falcao (Video)

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By Chris Wright

(Video: 101GG)

Hot stuff: Christmas gift guides, new ace (but cheap-ish) Samsung phone and Evil Knievel talks cycle safety

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Great stories from Pies, Anorak and our pals

Evil Knievel talks cycle safety

Brilliant video of a hammered Kim Wilde singing Kids in America on a train

Great pics from the golden age of Formula One the 60s and 70s

Last minute Christmas jumper ideas

Arsenal destroy Reading pics

Nintendo Wii U games console review

Samsung's budget new big screen phone

Huge selection of Christmas gift guides

Which is the best Live album ever?

Liverpool Young’n Suso Fined £10k For Calling Jose Enrique ‘Gay’ On Twitter

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By Chris Wright

The FA have just announced that Liverpool midfielder Suso has been fined to the tune of £10,000 for 'referencing a person's sexual orientation and/or disability' on Twitter more specificallycalling teammate and compatriot Jose Enrique 'gay' and joking that had 'mental problems' after posting the following photo.

Snapshot: Wayne Rooney Turns Up At Swiss Youth Game As Part Of ‘Community Service’

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By Chris Wright

As part of his plea bargain following his sending off for England against Montenegro back in October of 2011, Wayne Rooney agreed to volunteer for a stint of community service at UEFA's behest and that day was today.

Rooney was initially given a three-match ban but had it shorn down to two after agreeing to sign up for a community project and thereforeturned up completely unannounced at Swiss youth team Payerne's training HQ and conducted a morning training session with the lads.

The Black-And-White Years: 11 Chilly Photos Of Football Stadiums In The Snow

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By Chris Wright

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees.They're putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace.Oh, I wish I had eleven fantastic archive photos of snow-bound football stadiums I could skate away on...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 11

QPR players attempt the fruitless task of 'warming up' at a frozen Loftus Road, Dec 1962

(Photos: PA)

More photos of football in the snow this-a-way.

This Karim Benzema Christmas Song Will Leave You Questioning All You Thought You Knew (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"W-w-where am I? What *cough* what year is this? WHO'S THE PRESIDENT?"

(Video via 101GG)

Pies Christmas Gift Guide: No. 13 – Borussia Dortmund Multi-Purpose Kitchen Cleaner Spray

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By Chris Wright

As it says on the bottle, Dortmund's cleaning spray is 'multi-purpose', 'powerful' and the perfect stocking filler for just €6...

Also available from the Dortmund store: official club mustard, superglue. and something called 'cockpit spray'.

Lookin’ Good Sweetheart: The Djibril Cisse Edition (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

This photo was waiting on Pies' doormat when we got in this morning of The Lord of the Manor of Frodsham hitting the town in what looks like a hastily assembled Will.I.Am Halloween costume cobbled together at the last minute after a £5 trolley dash around Homebase.

Chelsea Tactic Sheet Leaked From Club World Cup Final vs Corinthians (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Submitted for your perusal: As leaked onto the internet by Brazilian news outlet Globo Esporte, these arepurportedto be Rafa Benitez's in-depth tactics sheets for defending corners against Corinthians in the Club World Cup Final...

Interested?

Jose Mourinho & Aitor Karanka – The Rappers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Saints be praised! MARCA have bodged together this video of MC Por Que? and his hype man Krank Money in full flow on the bench...

... though they haven't really explained why.

(Video: MARCA)

Reading 2-5 Arsenal – Santi Slays Royals As Gunners Stroll To Festive Five-Goal Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 2-5 Arsenal Premier League 17th December 2012

But for a shaky period in the second half in which Arsenal wobbled and shipped two goals, the Gunners were in total control of their clash with Reading at the Madejski.

With Theo Walcott given a central striking berth, flanked by Lukas Podolski and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the Gunners tore Reading apart in the first-half with Santi Cazorla the undoubted star of the show.

‘Not Being Racist Or Homophobic, But…’ – Zenit Supporters Proclaim No Black Or Gay Players Should Play For Club

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By Chris Wright

Several of Zenit St Petersburg's largest supporters' groups have clubbed together to produce a manifesto, which they're calling 'Selection-12′, which proclaims that the Russian club should rid themselves of all black and latin players.

It's okay though, as the supporters' groups are eager to tell us that they're not being racist in wanting to flush foreign players from the Zenit squad they're merely lending a helping handin a bid to stop the club losing ties with the city of St Petersburg.

Oldham Athletic Politely Request Supporters Stop Setting Rival Fans’ Hair On Fire

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By Chris Wright

*Bing bong* Could the owner of a white Vauxhall Astra estate please report to the front desk and can our fans please refrain from torching the hair of rival supporters? Thank you *Bing bong*

Oldham Athletic have released a club statement pleading with their fans among other things to stop using cigarette lighters to set fire to the hair of unsuspecting rivals fans, which is apparently a bit of a problem round Boundary Park way at the moment.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 12 – Napoli Baby Rocker

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By Chris Wright

At least that's what we think it is...

God knows, though if you really want to treat the nippers how about chucking in an official licensed Napoli paddling pool too?

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Tramples All Over Dejan Lovren’s Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Zlatan stamped on a man's head last night. It's not immediately apparent as to whether he meant it or not, though it certainly looks like he alters his trajectory mid-air to make sure he gives Lovren a little something to remember him by...

Ibra escaped without punishment, Lovren escaped with a nasty welt above his temple.

Eredivisie Referee Cautions Irate Manager By Holding Up His ‘Respect’ Armband (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The treatment of officials is very much at the forefront in Dutch football at the moment as the country continues to mourn and lament the tragicallysenseless death of amateur linesman Richard Nieuwenhuizen and, with that firmly in mind, refereeSerdar Gozubuyuk made a pronounced point of standing up for himself on Saturday evening.

Giddy Barcelona Fan Runs Onto Pitch Just To Give Lionel Messi A Big Ol’ Hug (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi scored another two goals (that's 89 and 90 for the year) as Barcelona stuffed Atletico Madrid 4-1 at the Camp Nou last night, and it all got to much for one chap in the stands...

Awwww.

West Brom 0-0 West Ham – Hammers Earn Point At The Hawthorns In Dull Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-0 West Ham United Premier League 16th December 2012

A draw at the Hawthorns, home of this season's surprise package West Brom, is nothing to be scoffed at. So scoff at this bore draw we shall not, with injury-hit West Ham securing a valuable point on Sunday.

Tottenham 1-0 Swansea – Vertonghen Fires Lilywhites Back Into Top Four (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Swansea City Premier League 16th December 2012

Jan Vertonghen's fine second-half strike was enough to see Spurs overcome Swansea at White Hart Lane, with the win sending the north Londoners back into the top four.

The Swans needed to be at their disciplined best from the off, with Emmanuel Adebayor and then Jermain Defoe having good chances early on.

Snapshot: Moussa Dembélé And Jonathan de Guzman Have ‘A Moment’ At White Hart Lane

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By Alan Duffy

A photo with all the raw homoerotic power of an early Frankie Goes To Hollywood video, this moment between Tottenham's Moussa Dembélé and Swansea's Jonathan De Guzman would turn even the straightest hetero football fan gay. Or at least bi-curious. Possibly.

FAIL: Keeper Attempts Simple Goal Kick, Shanks It Out For Hilariously Crap Corner (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Qatari league, El Jaish's Brazilian keeperEvanildo somehow manages to put a simple clearance from just inside his area out for a corner 16 yards back and on the complete opposite side of his goal...

Mesmerising...

...ly woeful.

Norwich 2-1 Wigan – Canaries Continue To Fly High As Hoolahan Downs Latics (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 2-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 15th December 2012

A player who is surely now worthy of a regular starting berth for the Republic of Ireland, Dubliner Wes Hoolahan was the star man for Norwich as they beat Wigan at Carrow Road.

Stoke 1-1 Everton – All-Square At The Britannia As Jones Rescues Point For The Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Everton Premier League 15th December 2012

In a typically tight and physical clash at the Britannia Stadium, Stoke and Everton came out with a share of the spoils on Saturday.

Ryan Shawcross had given the visitors the lead on 36 minutes, having put through his own-goal.

QPR 2-1 Fulham – Taarabt Terrific As Hoops End Winless Streak Against Whites (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 2-1 Fulham Premier League 15th December 2012

It's been coming for the Hoops, but on Saturday at Loftus Road, the west Londoners finally registered their first league victory of the season by beating local rivals Fulham 2-1.

Liverpool 1-3 Aston Villa – Benteke The Hero As Villans Stun Reds At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool Aston Villa Premier League 15th December 2012

After recently talking up his side's chances of bagging a top four berth come the end of the season, Brendan Rodgers and his Liverpool side were brought right back down to earth on Saturday at Anfield, with strugglers Aston Villa securing a superb and surprise 3-1 win.

Man Utd 3-1 Sunderland – Red Devils Stay Top For Christmas After Old Trafford Stroll (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 3-1 Sunderland Premier League 15th December 2012

Manchester secured their place atop the Premier League table for Christmas after an easy victory over Sunderland at Old Trafford.

Rocketing out of the traps. the Red Devils had the game pretty much done and dusted within the first 20 minutes, with goals from Robin Van Persie (United's 1500th at Old Trafford under Fergie) and Tom Cleverley putting the home side in the driving seat.

Football GIF: Marouane Fellaini Poleaxes Ryan Shawcross With Horrible Headbutt

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By Chris Wright

It was missed at the time, but we reckon Monsieur Fellaini can probably expect a sternly-worded letter from the FA to land on his doormat in the near future...

(GIF: 101GG)

Newcastle 1-3 Man City – Terrific Touré Powers Citizens To Victory Over Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 1-3 Manchester City Premier League 15th December 2012

Man City bounced back to victory after last week's disappointing defeat to their Manchester rivals, strolling to a 3-1 win against Newcastle at St. James' Park.

Yaya Toure, taking the captain's role in place of Vincent Kompany was outstanding throughout the game, dominating in the centre of the park and scoring his side's third goal.

‘Outraged’ 73-Year-Old Bastia Official Goes On Hunger Strike Over Stadium Ban

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By Chris Wright

The man they call 'Hungry Joe'

SC Bastia's former sporting coordinator, 73-year-old Jo Bonavita, has announced that he has gone on hunger strike after his beloved club (for whom he was worked since 1981) were handed a stadium ban by the French League (LFP).

Top stories – Air Stewardesses behaving badly, great cheap gadgets, five cool 90s cars going cheap

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Top stories from Pies and our pals

Air Stewardesses behaving badly

Great CCTV footage of people doing stupid things in stations

Five aspirational cars from the 90s now going cheap-ish

The most under rated British indie bands of the 90s

Eight Christmas gifts for music lovers

The phone of the future tested we spend a month going 4G

Your ultimate tech Christmas guide

Stocking fillers 21 ace gadgets for under £200

The Arsenal squad who do you keep and who do you sell?

Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #15

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XV: The Revenge of Kitty Galore...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8
Friday Flashback Volume #9
Friday Flashback Volume #10
Friday Flashback Volume #11
Friday Flashback Volume #12
Friday Flashback Volume #13
Friday Flashback Volume #14

Snapshot: Liverpool Pick The Wrong Kid To Visit In Hospital…

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By Chris Wright

Everything about this photo is majestic...

"Time for your Christmas present little Charlie, you might want to close your eyes for this..."

(Photo via LFC/Getty)

Tactics Talk: Why Wenger Needs His Contract Rebel To Play Against Reading

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On Monday night, Arsenal return to the scene of their incredible 7-5 win over Reading in the Capital One Cup, and will be desperate to bounce back strongly from their embarrassing midweek defeat to Bradford City.

Arsene Wenger's team selections this season have generally been predictable, but he's struggled to decide on his best right-sided midfielder.

Sebastian Giovinco (Squad No. 12) Scores 12th Juventus Goal In 12th Minute Of Second Half On 12/12/12 In Juve’s 12th Home Game Of The Season

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By Chris Wright

On Wednesday night, weeSebastian Giovinco prodded home the only goal of the night which saw Juventus squeeze past Cagliari a goal which saw the Bianconeri maintain their place at the summit of Serie A and which also bought about the end of the world... or something like that.

Snapshot: FIFA’s Rather Clunky Goal-Line Technology Used During Chelsea’s World Club Cup Clash With Monterrey

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By Alan Duffy

During the World Club Cup, FIFA are trialling two goal-line technology systems, GoalRef and Hawk-Eye in an attempt to find the best solution to an issue which has plagued the game in recent years.

For the game between Chelsea and Monterrey on Thursday, GoalRef was used, with the ball carrying a computer chip and the goal-frame, as you can see from the picture, surrounded by a magnetic field, with the equipment looking rather clunky.

World Club Cup: Chelsea 3-1 Monterrey – Torres Blossoming Under Benitez As Blues Reach Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-1 Monterrey FIFA World Club Cup 13th December 2012

He may have lost a lot of his pace, but Fernando Torres is slowly rediscovering some of his better form under new Chelsea boss Rafa Benitez. Against Mexican side Monterrey in Yokohama, the Spaniard netted one of the Blues' goals in their 3-1 victory and had a major hand in another.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas: No. 11 – Man City Garden Tools Set

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By Chris Wright

Three piece garden tool setcomprising of hand fork, hand trowel and transplanting trowel...

Just £10.20 to you Sir.

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No.

Arsenal Squad Player By Player: Who To Keep And Who To Ditch?

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By Chris Wright

You may have noticed that Arsenal are going through a bit of a slump of late which has culminated in them losing a few football matches against supposedly lesser opponents in other words, IT'S CRISIS TIME AT THE EMIRATES!!!

Despite what you are being led to believe it's not the end of the world; they're still a fairly handy football team with a brilliant manager, but it's apparent that the squad needs a good kick up the arse failing that, a total overhaul if expectations are to be met.

Saudi Arabia’s Abdullah Otayf Celebrates Goal Against Yemen By Unveiling Sergio Busquets T-Shirt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Saudi Arabia beat Yemen by a single goal in theWest Asian Federation Championship, withAbdullah Otayf's sweet pot-shot proving the difference a goal he chose to celebrate by unveiling a t-shirt tribute to an unlikely hero...

O...kay. Don't ask, we have absolutely no idea.

Copa Del Rey Snapshot: Adan’s Front Row Seat For Bustos’ Top Corner-Seeking Missile…

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By Chris Wright

Cracking still from last night's Copa Del Rey...

Real Madrid's keeper Antonio Adan watches powerlessly asCristian Bustos' beautiful shot pings into top corner to put Celta Vigo 2-0 up during the first leg of the last-16 Copa del Rey tie at Balaidos stadium.

Sao Paulo Declared Copa Sudamericana Champions, Tigre Refuse To Play Second Half Over Alleged Gun Threats

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By Chris Wright

Brazilian side Sao Paulo were crowned Copa Sudamericana champions last night by default after their opponents, Tigre of Argentina, refused to come out for the second half after allegedly being attacked at half-time.

According to Tigre's coach Nestor Gorosito, his players were accosted by Sao Paulo's private security guards and police officers as they headed into the dressing rooms at the interval following a fractious scuffle between the two teams on the pitch, with guns then being drawn on several Tigre players.

Pepe Delivers Sneaky Backheel Straight To Celta Vigo Defender’s Testicles (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just Pepe doin' what Pepe does best...

Capital One Cup: Swansea 1-0 Middlesbrough – Swans Need Late O.G. To Edge ‘Boro At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-0 Middlesbrough Capital One Cup 12th December 2012

Michael Laudrup's Swansea faced promotion hopefuls Middlesbrough at the Liberty Stadium on Wednesday night, in what proved to be a very tight encounter.

Tony Mowbray's side were well disciplined and for most of the game, coped well with the Swans passing game.

“You’re Having A Laugh, Lionel!” – Zambian FA Claim Local Player Holds Goal Record, Not Magical Messi

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By Alan Duffy

See? It's written on the ball, so it must be true!

Working in football statistics as I do, in addition to with my humble contributions to dear Pies, one of the most difficult things to accurately quantify is international goalscoring records. With so many official/unofficial/semi-official games taking place around the world, it's damn difficult to find definitivee figures, particularly when dealing with records from outside Europe, where record-keeping can be a less than exact science.

Bradford City Chairman Picks Wonderful Arsenal-Baiting T-Shirt To Wear For Sky Sports Interview (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Bradford City chairman Mark Lawn (who we think may used to have played 'Rabies' in Maid Marian & Her Merry Men) and his t-shirt of choice for this morning's interview with Sky Sports News...

Simple. Effective. Nicely done.

(Image: 101GG)

JD Sports Heros: The Nike Blazer

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TRAINERS. Formerly known as sneakers. Formerly known as pumps. JD Sports wants you to vote for its "JD Hero", the trainers that you love the best.

Suggested styles include: Nike Air Max, Nike Blazer, Adidas Originals, Adidas PT, Adidas Marathon, Nike AF 1's, Diadora Equipe, Converse, Diadora Classics, Lacoste Marcel, Adi Rise, Puma Suede.

Club World Cup: Sanfrecce Hiroshima Celebrate Goal With Mass Sumo Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Japanese sides Sanfrecce Hiroshima and Ulsan squared off in the fifth-place play-off (yes, there's a fifth-place play-off) at the ongoing Club World Cup earlier today, with the former beating the latter 3-2 thanks, in part, toHisato Sato's two-goal, man-of-the-match performance which included this rather natty goal celebration.

West Ham Banner Crops Up In Latest Episode Of The Simpsons

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By Chris Wright

West Ham have finally made it; they've been name-dropped on The Simpsons thus joining the likes of Pele and both the Ronaldo brothers: 'Cristiano' and 'Fat', who have all been redrafted in horribly jaundiced form by the hit comedy.

A Hammers banner crops up in the latest episode, called 'The Day The Earth Stood Cool' (which aired in America a few days ago) in the bedroom ofthe Simpson's new neighbours a bohemian family who's hipster son, 'T-Rex', naturally follows English soccer rather than any of the mainstream Yank sports.

Police Mistake Women’s Choir For Coach Full Of Rowdy Chesterfield Fans, Give Singing Retirees Escort To Port Vale

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By Chris Wright

On Saturday afternoon, at roughly the same time as two coaches full of Chesterfield supporters were leaving for their away game at Port Vale, two coaches full of retired women left the carpark at their village hall in Staffordshire and set out for their Christmas carol concert at King's Hall in Stoke-on-Trent.

Spot The Baller: 12 Dec, 2012 – Dame Judi Dench

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By Chris Wright

Taken the day Chelsea had to play Coventry in Coventry's dismal checkered away kit (because their away kit clashed with Coventry's home kit and they didn't have their third kit got that?), who's the mystery Blue betwixt Sparky and Minto the Wonderkid?

Previous answer: Sean mother flippin' Dundee.

Retro Snapshot: Mick McCarthy Locks In Submission Hold On Ray Houghton…

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By Chris Wright

Apropos of nothing, here's a cracking shot we've stumbled across of Mick McCarthy taking down his prey (we think it's Ray Houghton) and locking in his submission finisher during a Republic of Ireland training session in Malta, 1990...

"Tap! Tap! TAP!

La-Di-Da Snapshot: Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang’s €3,000 Swarovski Crystal Encrusted Football Boots…

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By Chris Wright

Saint-Etienne strikerPierre-Emerick Aubameyang has a reputation for being a bit of a preening so-and-so, but he still managed to crank his 'Flash Harry' levels up another notch on Monday night by swanning around the pitch while warming-up for Les Verts' game against Lyon in a pair of personalised Nike Mercurials encrusted in Swarovski crystals.

Roger Federer Dons Brazil Kit, Shows Off Some Neat-ish Football Skills In Sao Paolo (Video & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Gorgeously immaculate Swiss tennis lothario Roger Federer is currently down Brazil way, Sao Paulo to be exact, on the South American leg of his Gilette exhibition tour (seems like even Rog has some tricky tax bills to pay now and again) and he marked the occasion by taking to the court with opponent Tommy Haas bedecked in Selecao kits, with the pair then 'dazzling' the crowd with some slick(ish) football chops with a giant tennis ball.

‘Solo Udinese Fan’ Tells His Tale, Invited To Warm-Up With Players And Given Free Coffee By Sampdoria

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By Chris Wright

"Ronery, I'm so ronery..."

Here's a little yarn to warm your cockles on this brisk Winter's morn: The solitary Udinese fan who turned out to watch his side's 0-2 victory over Sampdoria on Sunday evening has quite rightly become a minor celebrity in Italian football.

Capital One Cup: Norwich 1-4 Aston Villa – Lambert Returns To Haunt Canaries At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-4 Aston Villa Capital One Cup 11th December 2012

In his first visit back to former club Norwich, Aston Villa boss Paul Lambert saw his side overcome the Canaries courtesy of a 4-1 win.

Despite the scoreline, the game was pretty much well-balanced for long-stretches, with chances coming thick and fast for both sides.

Football GIF: Gervinho Misses Uber-Sitter In Arsenal’s Feeble Defeat At Bradford

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By Alan Duffy

To be fair to poor old Gervinho, he does try his best. But for the majority of his Arsenal career so far, his good points have been rather overshadowed by his rather dubious finishing ability. This lack of a real clinical edge was there for all to see at Valley Parade on Tuesday night, when he made a right balls of a rather easy chance to score for the Gunners.

Sunderland 3-0 Reading – O’Neill Celebrates A Year In Charge Of Black Cats With Royal Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 3-0 Reading Premier League 11th December 2012

With a year under his belt as Sunderland boss, Martin O'Neill knew his relegation-threatened side needed to win their home clash with Reading, and win they did, at something of a canter.

Retro Snapshot: 14-Year-Old John Terry (In Fantastically Dapper Suit!) Signs Very First Chelsea Contract, 1994

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By Chris Wright

Terry just posted this on his Instagram of his incredibly well-dressed 14-year-old self putting pen to paper on his very first contract at Chelsea on the pitch at Stamford Bridge with his Mum in tow...

Look at that suit! What a beaut. Good to see that half-time entertainment has come on a bit since then.

Hot Stuff: 5 Cool New Bands For 2013, Weird Christmas Videos, Is It Over For Abou Diaby?

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Top stories from Pies and our pals...

Very strange police Christmas video

Yet another Apple Maps fail

Christmas Chocolate selection boxes when they were great

Some great photos of Eusebio

Football boots we have loved Valsport Era

Is Abou Diaby finished?

Capital One Cup: Bradford 1-1 Arsenal (3-2 pens) – Gunners’ Season Hits New Low At Valley Parade (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bradford City 1-1 Arsenal (3-2 pens) Capital One Cup 11th December 2012

One has to wonder if this is a defining moment in Arsene Wenger's Arsenal career. With a pretty much full-strength side on show against Division Two side Bradford, the Gunners were second-best for the vast majority of the game, before losing on penalties after failing to convert three of their five spot-kicks.

The Black-And-White Years: 10 Brilliant Photos Of Eusebio In His Pomp

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By Chris Wright

Submitted for you to peruse at your leisure; ten brilliant photos from the Pies' archives of the ever-cool Eusebio in his pomp (click for full-sized images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Eusebio, 1961

(Photos: PA)

Football Boots We Have Loved: Valsport Era

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By Chris Wright

Back before it was considered run of the mill to peddle boots in every colour of the visible light spectrum, there was a certain thrill in flicking through Four Four Two magazine to see these exotic, ethereal, elusive beauties at the bottom of the boot ad pages at the back.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas – No. 9: Official Tottenham Hotspur Clothes Pegs

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By Chris Wright

A snip at only £4 from the club store. Also available in navy blue.

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No. 3 Huddersfield Tape Measure

No.

Shit Lookalike: Horror Hair Stalwart Mustafa Amini & A Mushroom Cloud

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By Chris Wright

BOOOOOOM!

For the uninitiated, Amini is the Aussie prettyboy who plays for Dortmund's second string and is the proud owner of one of the very worst haircuts in football.

Thanks to Pies fan Purva for bringing this photo to our attention.

One Single Solitary Udinese Fan Turns Up For Away Game At Sampdoria (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

We knew Serie A attendances were dwindling, but we had no idea it was quite this bad...

What you're looking at here is the entire travelling fanbase that Udinese took with them to Sampdoria last night. For reasons unknown, only one solitary guy made the 320-mile, four-hour journey across Italy from Udine to Genoa to watch his side's 0-2 victory.

One Single Solitary Udinese Fan Turns Up For Away Game At Genoa (Photo & Video)

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By Chris Wright

We knew Serie A attendances were dwindling, but we had no idea it was quite this bad...

What you're looking at here is the entire travelling fanbase that Udinese took with them to Genoa last night. For reasons unknown, only one solitary guy made the 320-mile, four-hour journey across Italy from Udine to Genoa to watch his side's 0-2 victory.

Fulham 2-1 Newcastle – Whites End Winless Streak After Hard-Fought Victory Over Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 2-1 Newcastle United Premier League 10th December 2012

Fulham finally brought their seven-game streak without a win to an end on Monday night after beating Newcastle 2-1 in west London.

After starting the season in fine form, both sides have dropped off the pace in recent weeks and were in desperate need of a win.

Football GIF: Newcastle’s Hatem Ben Arfa Bamboozles Mark Schwarzer With Dippy Curly Wonder-Strike

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By Alan Duffy

A goal of the quality scored by Hatem Ben Arfa on Monday night deserved to be a match winner but unfortunately for the French winger, his magnificent strike was in vain as the Magpies went down 2-1 against Fulham.

Still, it's well worth a few more looks.

PFA Consider Stadium Safety Netting After Manchester Derby Coin Throwing Debacle

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By Chris Wright

Bloody, but 2p better off

As a predictably oversensitive overreaction to Rio being pelted with legal tender at the end of the Manchester derby, the PFA have announced that they're currently mulling over plans to introduce safety netting as a means to protect players in 'vulnerable' areas of the pitch after all, how could a coin possibly pass through a net?

Colchester United’s Brian Wilson Scores Delightfully Naff Own Goal vs Oldham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Colchester's hero and villain Brian Wilson drops a little deuce coup on the goal-line, finishing Oldham's quick break away without remotely knowing what was goin' on...

God only knows what you were trying there Brian! Better get back in bed.

(Video: 101GG)

Veteran Socceroo Archie Thompson Sets Record For Fastest International Hat-trick 11 Years After Setting Record For Most Goals In A Game

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By Chris Wright

You may not be able to place the name but veteran Melbourne Victory striker Archie Thompson is the man who currently holds the record for most goals scored in one game after scoring 13 thirteen! goals in Australia's narrow 31-0 victory over American Samoa (which is itself a record international win) in a World Cup qualifying game back in 2001.

Dismal, Dismal FAIL: Gent’s Ilomo Mboyo Botches Pathetic Penalty vs Waasland-Beveren (Video)

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Chris Wright

Apologies for the quality of the footage, as unfortunately it's still too high to make out Gent captain Ilomo Mboyo's truly rancid penalty against Waasland-Beverenat the weekend...

"Worst...penalty...ever"

So bad, in fact, that Mboyo felt he had to come back out onto the pitch after the game to apologise to the Gent fans.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas – No. 8: Real Madrid Scissors

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By Chris Wright

Sharper than Cristiano Ronaldo's Adam's apple...

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No. 3 Huddersfield Tape Measure

No.

‘No Wonder People Say You’re Daft!’ – Tevez Struggles To Teach Balotelli Christmas Present Wrapping Basics (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, as part of Man City's 'Christmas Crackers' Youtube series, odd couple Carlos Tevez and Mario Balotelli wrap a few Christmas presents at Carrington with HI-I-I-LARIOUS results!

You see, Carlos is apparently a seasoned vet when it comes to wrapping paper and sellotape but poor Mario just can't get to grips with it literally what with him being terminally left-handed and all.

Crabby Man Utd Legend Paddy Crerand Erupts On BBC Radio Over Suggestion United Players Provoked City Fans (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

BBC Radio Five Live may just be regretting waking Manchester United legend Paddy Crerand up before he'd had his Weetabix this morning, with the 73-year-old erupting a little misguidedly it must be said at the presenter over his 'ludicrous' suggestion that Rio Ferdinand provoked the Man City fans with his celebrations at the end of Sunday's Manchester derby.

Man City 2-3 Man Utd – RVP The Hero As Red Devils Conquer Fortress Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United Premier League 9th December 2012

Man City's unbeaten home record came to an end on Sunday, courtesy of a 3-2 defeat at the hands of their Mancunian neighbours.

United started the game superbly and were 2-0 up within the first half-hour, with Wayne Rooney netting both goals as City's defence crumbled (with his second his 150th in the Premier League).

Everton 2-1 Tottenham – Lilywhites Stunned By Late Late Toffee Show (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 9th December 2012

Poor old Spurs have been on the receiving end of a fair few late goals this season and at Goodison Park on Sunday, the Lilywhites saw three points slip through their fingers at the death.

West Ham 2-3 Liverpool – Old Boys Come Back To Haunt Hammers In Five-Goal Thriller (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 2-3 Liverpool Premier League 9th December 2012

Former Hammers Glen Johnson and Joe Cole returned to Upton Park to help Liverpool, without the services of Luis Suarez, secure a dramatic 3-2 win against Sam Allardyce's men.

Snapshot: Lionel Messi Wins Football!

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By Chris Wright

He's done it. Ladies and gentlemen, call off the search we have a winner...

It's official, 'the record' is now Lionel Messi's thanks to a brace against Real Betis tonight. Messi's first goal of the evening equalled Gerd Muller's 'goals in a calendar year for club and country' record (goal no.

Rio Ferdinand Busted Open By 2p Coin Thrown By Man City Fan (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

From the back of a crowded pub it look liked he'd just poked himself in the eye trying to get his shirt over his head, but on closer inspection it would appear that Rio was hit in the eye by shrapnel thrown from the Man City fans...

what a result,3points!

Gather Round Children And Laugh At Leonardo Bonucci’s Farcical Dive vs Palermo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Radamel Falcao Scores Five Goals In One Game vs Deportivo La Coruna, Still Eclipsed By ‘You Know Who’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Radamel Falcao scored five against Deportivo La Coruna tonight...

Sadly for Raddy, a certain somebody was busy shattering Gerd Muller's 'goals in a year' record with a couple against Real Betis elsewhere.

What a git.

Incidentally, neither Messi nor Ronaldo have ever managed five goals in one La Liga game.

Fiorentina’s Ruben Oliveira Viciously Stamps On Miralem Pjanic, Somehow Escapes With Yellow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Roma panned Fiorentina yesterday, winning 4-2 thanks largely to Francesco Totti's headline performance (two goals and an assist for Il Gladiatore), but there was a sour note in there too with Fiorentina's Ruben Oliveira somehow escaping with a mere yellow after mashing his studs into Miralem Pjanic's fleshy bits right in front of the benches.

Football GIFs: Super Slick Passing Between Cazorla, Arteta & Wilshere

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By Chris Wright

Slick as shit off a hot shovel through butter...

(GIFs via Reddit)

Aston Villa 0-0 Stoke – Villans Fail To Break Down Potters In Dismal Goalless Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-0 Stoke City Premier League 8th December 2012

Ryan Shotton's sending-off, for a second yellow, was probably the most exciting incident in this rather poor game at Villa Park, although those attending were probably bracing themselves for another uninspiring game.

Southampton 1-0 Reading – Saints Win Battle Of The New Boys At St. Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-0 Reading Premier League 8th December 2012

Two the the sides promoted from last season's Championship clashed on the south coast on Saturday, with Southampton coming out on top courtesy of a single goal.

Jason Puncheon was the goal-hero for the Saints, netting on the hour mark after Nigel Adkins' side had dominated for most of the game.

Wigan 2-2 QPR – Hoops Set New Winless Record After Decent Draw At The DW (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 2-2 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 8th December 2012

A draw at the DW Stadium is hardly the worst of results, bu for Harry Redknapp's QPR, it was undoubtedly a chance to finally secure their first win of the season. Ultimately, however, the west Londoners had to settle for a draw.

Arsenal 2-0 West Brom – Arteta Spot-Kick Brace Gives Gunners Much-Needed Win Against Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 8th December 2012

Spaniard Mikel Arteta bagged a couple of penalties for the Gunners at the Emirates on Saturday, as the home team deservedly beat high-flying West Brom. Those spot-kick goals were the first the north Londoners had scored at home in eons.

Swansea 3-4 Norwich – Superb Canaries Have Swans In A Four-Goal Flap At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 3-4 Norwich City Premier League 8th December 2012

The sheer unpredictability of this season's Premier League was there for all to see at the Liberty Stadium on Saturday, when Swansea, fresh from a deserved 2-0 win away at the Emirates last weekend, shipped four goals at home to Norwich, eventually losing the game 4-3.

Sunderland 1-3 Chelsea – Two For Torres As Blues Shine At Stadium Of Light (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-3 Chelsea Premier League 8th December 2012

Rafa Benitez finally saw his new side secure a league win after comfortably overcoming a poor Sunderland said at the Stadium of Light.

And not only did Chelsea register their first Premier League win in eight games, but Fernando Torres even managed to get on the scoresheet, not once but twice!

‘Born Into It’ – ESPN Release Excellent Manchester Derby Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may have heard already, buts it's the Manchester derby tomorrow and ESPN are promo-ing their coverage with this rather excellent 'Born Into It' advert which examines fans born on both sides of the Red/Blue divide and just how different they really are...

Hot Stuff: Top Pics Of 2012, Christmas Presents For Men, Stair Climbing Hamsters And More

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Today's hottest stories from Pies, Anorak, Tech Digest and our pals...

Brilliant video of Hamster climbing the stairs

Your ultimate Christmas gift guide for blokes gadgets, scarves, weird stuff

Why Arsenal's number one target should be the Capital One Cup

The World's hottest burger sauce arrives in the UK

The most dramatic news pics of 2012

Bombsight shows you where the bombs fell on London in WW2

Top PC games of 2012

iPhone 5S pics leaked the first of many.

Cool Time-Lapse Footage Of Dortmund’s Epic Tifo Being Prepared vs Man City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Does exactly what it says on the tin...

Hands up, we think this might be a 'choreo' rather than a 'tifo', but we're not sticklers for that kind of detail.

Friday Tactics: Carlos Tevez or Mario Balotelli for United Clash?

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Every other manager in the Premier League would envy Roberto Mancini's selection dilemma ahead of the Manchester derby: he must select two from Edin Dzeko, Mario Balotelli, Carlos Tevez and Sergio Aguero. That's over £100m worth of talent.

Crucially, each player offers something different, meaning Mancini can alter the balance of the side subtly.

Schalke 04 Open New Graveyard For Loyal Fans Who Wish To Be Buried In Shadow Of Stadium (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Following in the footsteps of Hamburg (who opened a similar cemetery in 2008), Bundesliga side Schalke 04have today inaugurated their new 'supporters' graveyard' - complete with football pitch just 500 metres away from their Veltins Arena stadium inGelsenkirchen, with 1.

Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #14

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XIV: Look Who's Talking Now...

Chelsea's original Hazard...

Rough night Charlie?

Don't come any Klose!

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8
Friday Flashback Volume #9
Friday Flashback Volume #10
Friday Flashback Volume #11
Friday Flashback Volume #12
Friday Flashback Volume #13

Europa League Snapshot: Things Got A Little Damp At Estadio Jose Alvalade…

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By Chris Wright

The Europa League fixture between Sporting and Hungary's Videoton was called off last night. It's not hard to see why...

Sporting'sEstadio Jose Alvalade got a little damp around the edges.

(Photo: AP/Francisco Seco)

Football GIF: Brendan Rodgers Plays Possession Football, Refuses To Give Ball Back

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By Chris Wright

You've got to give it to Brendan Rodgers, he practices what he preaches...

(GIF: 101GG)

Ridiculous Fifth Official Warms-Up By Practicing ‘Looking’ Before Europa League Tie (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If ever o' ever you needed proof that refereeing is slowly eating itself, here's the fifth official from one of last night's Europa League ties warming-up by practicing his 'looking'...

Pathetic, truly patheti...HANG ON, we know that man!

Pies Christmas Gift Guide – No.8: Schalke 04 Fitted Bed Sheet

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By Chris Wright

Yours for around £18 from the Schalke 04 online store.

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No. 3 Huddersfield Tape Measure

No.

Didier Drogba Hands Out £800,000 ‘Superbowl-Style’ Rings To Chelsea Champions League Winners

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By Chris Wright

Didier Drogba hosted a lavish soiree in London last night in order to present his former Chelsea teammates with a little something to remember their Champions League victory last season by £800,000′s worth of 'little something' to be specific.

A day after this year's vintage had crashed out of the tournament at the first hurdle, Drogba presented his former Champions League comrades with personalised Superbowl-style winners' rings at a dinner he'd thrown atWyndham Grand Chelsea Harbour though several players, including Fernando Torres, Petr Cech and Juan Mata and winning manager Roberto Di Matteo, were all unable to attend.

Europa League: Bordeaux 2-0 Newcastle – Already Qualified, Fledgling Magpies Struggle In France (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bordeaux 2-0 Newcastle United Europa League 6th December 2012

Having already qualified for the last 32 of he competition, Newcastle boss Alan Pardew could afford to rest most of his first choice stars, instead sending out an inexperienced mix-and-match side to take on Bordeaux.

Europa League: Tottenham 3-1 Panathinaikos – It’s A Knockout For Lilywhites After Win At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-1 Panathinaikos Europa League 6th December 2012

Tottenham cruised into the last 32 of the Europa League after overcoming Greek giants Panathinaikos at White Hart Lane.

Moody hitman Manu Adebayor opened the scoring on the half-hour mark after the visitors themselves had come close to scoring courtesy of Spaniard stiker Toche, who fluffed a great one-on-one chance.

Europa League: Udinese 0-1 Liverpool – Reds Through To Last 32 After Henderson Completes Italian Job (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Udinese 0-1 Liverpool Europa League 6th December 2012

Liverpool reached the last 32 of the Europa League on Thursday night after beating Udinese 1-0 in Italy.
Jordan Henderson was the unlikely goalscorer for the Reds, netting on 23 minutes after a Stewart Downing corner.

The Official Mario Balotelli Fatherhood Sweepstake

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By Chris Wright

Hearty complimentis to Mario Balotelli, who has just become a father for the first time after his ex-girlfriend Raffaella Fico(this be her) gave birth to a baby girl in Naples this afternoon.

With that in mind, here's Pies' official Balotelli fatherhood sweepstake.

Football Art: Warrior Redecorate Anfield Executive Box With Snazzy Graffiti Mural (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To spruce up the rather drab decor in their executive box at Anfield, Liverpool gave kit-suppliers Warrior the go-ahead to slap a huge collage/graffiti mural up on the wall, as daubed by the boys from Paintshop Studio...

Nice.

(Video: Warrior)

Pies Christmas Gift Guide – No. 7: Newcastle United Icecube Tray

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By Chris Wright

Currently reduced from £4 down to £3 in the Newcastle store. Grab yourself a bargain, now!

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No.

Top 10 Photos: Champions League, 4/5 Dec 2012 – Überstuber In Absentia!

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the ten best still images from this week's midweek Champions League action (click for the full-sized images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Either Dynamo Kyiv's Ideye Brown or Dinamo Zagreb's Josip Simunic is in need of a bottle of Head & Shoulders (AP Photo/Darko Bandic).

Swedish Club Sörskogens Sack Entire First Team For Homophobic Abuse Of Gay Opponents

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By Chris Wright

Swedish seventh-division sideSörskogens IF have fired their entire first-team matchday squad for their behaviour during a recent game against Stockholm Snipers a team openly profiled as being 'HBT' (homosexual, bisexual and trans-sexual).

According to Aftonbladet, the Snipers' players were subjected to constant homophobic abuse throughout the game, withSörskogens players quoted by a local newspaper as saying"you suck d**k for 50 pounds," "everyone has HIV" and "now we are probably infected.

Horror Hair Legends: Gerry Francis Celebrates 61 Years Of Unwavering Style

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By Chris Wright

Happy Birthday Gerry Francis: 61 years, one haircut.

A signature look locked in early; the long-standing 'Francis Semi-Mull Deluxe' is a truly iconic bastion of the English football landscape.

Here we chart it's distinct lack of evolution...

Just checking it's still there

Outstanding.

Vitesse Fan Attempts To Return Wayward Ball, Loses Dignity And Beer (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The ball's been lumped into the crowd, it's heading your way, it's landed right next to you, the onus is on you to return it pitch-ward, people are watching, you've had a couple of beers, pressure's mounting, focus, don't mess this up, DO NOT mess this up...

Champions League: Celtic 2-1 Spartak Moscow – Bhoys Back In The Big Time After Late Parkhead Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 2-1 Spartak Moscow Champions League 5th December 2012

Celtic left it late to secure their passage into the last 16 of the Champions League, with Kris Commons firing home from the penalty spot on 82 minutes to give his side that all important win.

Champions League: Man Utd 0-1 Cluj – Red Devils Fail To Spark At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 0-1 CFR Cluj-Napoca Champions League 5th December 2012

While Sir Alex Ferguson's side against Cluj was peppered with inexperience, the Scot won't be pleased to see the Red Devils suffer their first home defeat in the Champions League in three years.

Champions League: Chelsea 6-1 Nordsjaelland – Blues Crash Out At The Bridge Despite Goal-Spree (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 6-1Nordsjaelland Champions League 5th December 2012

Poor old Rafa Benitez, even when he finally oversees his first win in charge at Chelsea, his side are still knocked out of the Champions League.

Chelsea mauled Danish sideNordsjaelland on a chilly night in west London, but with Juventus winning against Shakhtar Donetsk in the other Group E game, the Blues' win was in vain, with the Italian and Ukrainian sides making it through to the last 16.

‘True Blue Christmas’ – Everton’s Seasons Greetings Video Is Work Of Bizzaro Art (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you thought Man City cajoling Aleksandar Kolarov to gravely recite Jingle Bells was the strangest club Christmas video you were going to see this Yuletide, Everton have something to show you.

It's a slow burner, but the last scene is a gem.

Football GIF: Heavy Snow Sees Dinamo Zagreb vs Dynamo Kiev Set All-Time Low Attendance Record

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By Chris Wright

Last night's fixture between Dinamo Zagreb and Dynamo Kiev set the record for the lowest ever attendance (3,563) at a Champions League game at least so we're told and it's not particularly difficult to see why...

Ironically, it was actually almost impossible to see anything at all!

Today’s Top Stories From Pies, Anorak And More – The Year’s Most Dramatic Pics, Apple’s iWatch And More…

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Top stories from Pies, Anorak and our pals....

Amazing pics the most dramatic news photos of 2012

London's Teddy Boys a photo essay

2012′s 20 weirdest gadgets and gifts

The year's top Psychedelic albums

Man builds ark to escape the apocalypse

Daily Mail says if Robin Van Persie had stayed Arsenal would be top and United 10th

The best Android phones of 2012

How the BBC's new red button will change the way you watch TV

iPod, iPhone, iPad Apple's next move will be the iWatch

The year's top Psychedelic albums

The worst underwear advert ever

Football boots we have loved The Puma King

Pies' brilliant Football fans Christmas gift guide

XI Footballers Who Look Like They Played In A Bygone Age

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By Chris Wright

A salute to all the footballers out there who look like they hark from a bygone era: an era of neatly-combed and pomaded side partings, baggy shorts, broken legs being 'run off', lead-lined boots and sodden footballs heavy enough to compress your spine if you so much asthought about heading them.

Spartak Moscow Striker Ari Builds Impressive Pillow Fort On Glasgow Flight (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Impressive work from Spartak Moscow striker Ari, who built himself a professional-standard pillow fort on the Russian side's flight to Glasgow ahead of their Champions League game with Celtic tonight...

Well, you've got to pass the time somehow haven't you?

Spot The Baller: 5 Dec, 2012 – Darius Danesh

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By Chris Wright

Darius Danesh, eh? Now there's a name you weren't expecting to see on Pies today! Roy Evans is clearly enamored, but who's the mystery Liverpool man hogging all of Staunt's limelight?

Previous answer: Eric Djemba-Djemba

Mucho congratos to Ben Stores and @cchappers87 on Twitter who were the only people to identify Djemba x2.

Pies Christmas Gift Guide – No. 6: Magnum Of Burnley Champagne

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By Chris Wright

Subtle hints of Turf Moor on the nose...

That'll be just £72 to you Sir!

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 Sexy Managers Calendar
No.

FC Twente Dimwit Leroy Fer Spends £22k On Pet Horse For Girlfriend Before Realising She Lives In Block Of Flats

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By Chris Wright

Twente's Leroy Fer: Not the sharpest banana in the fruit bowl

In a bid to woo his girlfried with a grand, spur-of-the-moment display of his financial fortitude, FC Twente midfielder Leroy Fer blew £22,000 at auction on a stallion (called Django) for her to keep as a pet.

Shit Lookalikes: Peter Crouch Around November Time & Nigel Thornberry

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to Pies fan Lauri for this ace spot! Kudos to you madame!

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over @waatpies if you'd prefer.

Preston Boss Graham Westley Refunds Fans’ £40 Petrol Money After Bury Game Called Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Preston boss Graham Westley was captured on camera going on a bit of a charm offensive at a petrol station in the North somewhere on Tuesday night, offering to refund a minibus full of Preston fans for their petrol money after North End'sJohnstone's Paint Trophy match against Bury was cancelled due to the pitch being waterlogged.

Champions League: Olympiakos 2-1 Arsenal – Second String Gunners Settle For Second Place After Defeat In Greece (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Olympiakos 2-1 Arsenal Champions League 4th December 2012

With all but of a handful of his first choice players left at home in London, Arsene Wenger watched a mix and match Arsenal side go ahead against Greek giants Olympiakos before ultimately slipping to a 2-1 defeat, a result which sees them finish second in Group B.

Champions League: Borussia Dortmund 1-0 Man City – Citizens Dodge Europa League After Defeat In Germany (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Borussia Dortmund 1-0 Manchester City Champions League 4th December 2012

This season's 'Group of Death' in the Champions League killed off Man City's hopes of playing any more European football at all this season after the Citizens were beaten 1-0 in Germany by Dortmund.

‘Man vs Food’ Host Adam Richman Visits White Hart Lane For First Time, Cries Like A Big Hairy Baby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's 'Man vs Food' leviathan, deep-fried meataficionadoand we're led to believe passionate Tottenham fan Adam Richman visiting his Mecca (White Hart Lane) for the first time. As you'll see, it all gets a little bit much for our Adam when he emerges out into the empty stadium.

Bulgarian Footballer Given Six-Game Ban For Knocking Ref Over With His Powerful Nipples (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bulgarian side Cherno More Varna will have to do without hothead defender SashoAleksandrov for the foreseeable future after the right-back was given six games in the cooler for blasting a referee to the deck using nothing but the power of his nipples during a recent game against Levski Sofia.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas – No. 5: Colchester United Rubiks Cube

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By Chris Wright

If there isn't a Colchester Rubiks Cube in your life, your life is incomplete...

Available for just ten English pounds from The U's official online store. According to the blurb, "the Rubiks cube is on the top 5 list for children's requests for Christmas presents".

AC Milan’s Rumoured New Physio Is Rather Easy On The Eye (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

According to Twitter, this rather aesthetically appealing female human being is the latest addition to the physiotherapy team at AC Milan...

Groin strains and heart palpitations just went up ten-fold at Milanello.

Now, this could just be a photo of a girl in a tracksuit Twitter isn't the mostreliableof sources though, lest we forget, we're talking about a club with Silvio Berlusconi at the helm here.

Nordsjaelland’s Mario Ticinovic Scores Christmassy Belter vs Brondby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Nordsjaelland's Mario Ticinovic scored a goal that was beautiful on two counts against Brondby in the Danish Superliga at the weekend: 1) it was a belting strike from way outside the area and, 2) when it clips in off the top corner, a delicate patina of snow falls from the crossbar and makes the whole thing look just that bit more 'Christmassy'.

Dutch Linesman Dies After Being Beaten On The Pitch By Teenage Players

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By Chris Wright

Sad news to start the morning in that a Dutch man has died as a result of the injuries he sustained when he was attacked by a group of teenage players while acting as linesman in a Sunday league match.

Richard Nieuwenhuizen, who was 41, was punched and kicked repeatedly by three players from Amsterdam-based club Nieuw Sloten then collapsed and was taken to hospital.

Aleksandar Kolarov Gives Most Joyless Recital Of ‘Jingle Bells’ You’re Ever Likely To Hear… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Granted, we might struggle with our timbre while trying to emote a traditional Balkan Christmas carol, but non-the-less, Aleksandar Kolarov's stern, sweeping, spoken-word recital of 'Jingle Bells' just falls short in capturing all the joy and spirit of the festive season.

Gael Bigirimana Opens His Goal-Scoring Account Via Wonder-Strike For Newcastle Against Wigan (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Former Coventry City midfielderGael Bigirimana netted his first-ever goal in professional football on Monday night in Newcastle's 3-0 win against Wigan.

The Burundi-born player produced a moment of magic, cutting inside before unleashing a superb dipping strike which beat Ali Al-Habsi in the Wigan goal.

Newcastle 3-0 Wigan – Ba Bags A Brace As Magpies End Losing Streak Against 10-Man Latics (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 3-0 Wigan Athletic Premier League 3rd December 2012

Alan Pardew's Magpies returned to winning ways at St. James' Park on Monday night, albeit after seeing their opponents go down to 10 men early on.

Defender Maynor Figueroa was the Wigan man to see red after just 12 minutes, when he brought down Papiss Cissé in the box.

Sergio Ramos Spits On Diego Costa In Revenge For Half-Arsed Headbutt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

During the Madrid derby on Saturday evening, Sergio Ramos was captured by cameras adding to his already groaning list of disgusting douchebaggery deviously aiming a slimy gob pellet at Atletico Madrid forward Diego Costa as the two sides waited for a corner.

Furious Mother Halts Play, Screams At Guilty Player After Son Injured During Romanian U19s Match (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the recent heated game betweenSteaua and Rapid Bucharest's U19 strings, one of the Steaua players took his life in his hands by incurring the wrath of a furious mother who had to be physically restrained on the touchlines after seeing her son kicked up in the air and left in a crumpled heap on the ground.

Football Boots We Have Loved: Puma King

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By Chris Wright

Designed and first launched in 1968, the Puma King first came to worldwide prominence two years later when Pele sported a specially-crafted pair the 'Puma King Pele' at the 1970 World Cup in Mexico.

The story goes that Puma paid Pele $120,000 to sport the signature boots (it was the first primordial boot deal of its kind) with the only proviso being that the Brazilian striker make sure he attracted as much attention to his signature footwear as possible leading to the famous scene that saw the 1970 'Player of the Tournament' ask the referee to stop the match minutes before the final whistle in order to tie his laces, fully aware that the television cameras would be broadcasting a close-up image of the new King Peles around the world.

FAIL: Turns Out Andrea Pirlo Is Not A Penalty God After All (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Expect the obligatory 'ice cream' GIF to land shortly.

Mad Ferret! Ecstatic Elgin City Fan Throws Some Rave Shapes vs Rangers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

According to our sources (the Youtube description), there's a suspicion that this young gentlewoman may have been under the influence of a nefarious substance while busting some spectacular shapes in the stands during Elgin City's Scottish Cup 3-0 loss to Rangers on Sunday afternoon.

Football GIF: Cristiano Ronaldo Uses Spectacular Fancy Pants Trickery To Give Away Throw-In

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By Chris Wright

If you don't find that just a little bit amusing then you are little more than a dead husk.

(GIF via Reddit/thanks to Pies fan @Thowsonland for the tip-off)

QPR 1-1 Aston Villa – Hoops Still Looking For Win After Draw With Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Aston Villa Premier League 1st December 2012

In his first home game in charge of QPR, Harry Redknapp saw his side create a fair amount of chances against Aston Villa but fail to secure that elusive victory.

Brett Holman put the visitors ahead on eight minutes, with his 25-year effort eluding Rob Green in the Hoops' goal.

West Brom 0-1 Stoke – Potters Win Away As Baggies Go Flat At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-1 Stoke City Premier League 1st December 2012

Stoke secured their first away league win of the season after overcoming Steve Clarke's high-flying West Brom side.

Dean Whitehead was the goal-hero for the Potters, netting on 75 minutes after great work from Kenwyne Jones.

Football GIF: Jon Otsemobor’s Cheeky Flicky Winner For MK Dons Against AFC Wimbledon

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By Alan Duffy

Former Liverpool defender Jon Otsemobor was the hero for MK Dons in their historic FA Cup clash with AFC Wimbledon.

With the scores level at 1-1 and the game heading for a replay, Otsemobor produced a magnificently casual back-heeled flick with looped in over veteran Neil Sullivan in the Wimbledon goal.

Shit Lookalikes: MK Dons Owner Pete Winkelman & Grima Wormtongue

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By Chris Wright

Winkelman is the much-loved MK Dons chairman.

Wormtongue is Saruman's squirming henchman.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Send it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us on @waatpies if you'd prefer.

True To His Word, Jose Mourinho Faced Bernabeu Boo-Boys Alone 40 Minutes Before Madrid Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

SPOILER ALERT: He got cheered rapturously...

What a chief.

(Photo: Daniel Ochoa De Olza/AP/PA)

West Brom’s Liam Ridgewell Caught Wiping His Arse With £20 Notes (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Apparently it was 'a joke to wind up a friend' but, as sent into The Sun (who call it a 'sick pose from the £20,000-a-week defender' they're always keen to let you know just how much these guys earn in times such as these) by an anonymous West Brom fan, here's Liam Ridgewell besmirching her majesty's visage with a treasonous display of scatological impudence.

David Beckham Gets Standing Ovation From LA Galaxy Fans After Being Subbed One Last Time (With Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

David Beckham's five-and-a-smidge-year stint in LA ended in silverware after Galaxy beat Houston Dynamo 3-1 in the MLS Cup Final to retain the trophy having won it last time out too.

With Robbie Keane successfully dispatching a last-minute penalty to make it 3-1 (you'd have thought they'd let Becks take it?

Liverpool 1-0 Southampton – Agger Fires Reds To Comfortable Win Against Saints (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-0 Southampton Premier League 1st December 2012

Liverpool registered back-to-back home league wins for the first time in over a year after a 1-0 win against Southampton on Saturday.

While the score suggests a tight game, in truth the Reds were by far the better team and should have won by a far more comfortable margin.

Reading 3-4 Man Utd – Shambolic Defending At The Madejski As Red Devils Edge Seven-Goal Madness (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 3-4 Manchester United Premier League 1st December 2012

They may now find themselves three points clear at the top of the table, but unless Manchester United sort out their defence sharpish, they will struggle to regain the title from their noisy City neighbours.

Snapshot: The Robin Van Persie Goal Against Reading That Never Was

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By Alan Duffy

If this goal had been given, that would have made it eight in the first half at the Madejski, as Reading and Man Utd, through hideous defending, conspired to give the watching fans a 45-minute goalfest.

Anyway, the officials missed it. Cue video technology debate shenanigans.

Fulham 0-3 Tottenham – Lilywhites Go Fourth After Defoe Show At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 0-3 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 1st December 2012

In-form striker Jermain Defoe was once again the star of the show for Tottenham on Saturday, bagging a brace as the north Londoners cantered to an impressive 3-0 win away at Fulham.

Arsenal 0-2 Swansea – Pressure On Wenger Increases As Swans Outplay Gunners At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-2 Swansea City Premier League 1st December 2012

Things went from bad to worse for Arsene Wenger and Arsenal at the Emirates on Saturday, as the home side were thoroughly outplayed and indeed outpassed by a vibrant Swansea outfit.

Man City 1-1 Everton – Fab Fellaini Scores Again As Citizens Struggle At Home To Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-1 Everton Premier League 1st December 2012

One wonders for just how long more David Moyes will be able to keep hold of his outstanding midfielder Marouane Fellaini. Able to both defend and attack, the towering Belgian has been in superb goal-scoring form for the Toffees this season and once again found the back of the net on Saturday, this time at the home of the champions.

West Ham 3-1 Chelsea – Hammers Give Rafa The Blues After Thrilling Three-Goal Comeback (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 3-1 Chelsea Premier League 1st December 2012

Jaysus, poor old Rafa's Chelsea career ain't going according to plan, is it? With a couple of goalless draws under his elasticated belt, the Spaniard saw his bejewelled side go down 3-1 away to West Ham on Saturday.

74-Year-Old Sunday League Veteran Scores 1,300th Career Goal

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By Chris Wright

While still a few years younger than Brad Friedel looks, 74-year-old grandfather of five Derek May has hit a career milestone that not many can boast after tucking away his 1,300th career goal only Romario probably has more goals to his name, though he tends to count goals scored in Subbuteo and against his kids in the back garden.

Snapshot: Mario Balotelli Has Matching Camouflage Car, Quad Bike & Onesie Set…

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By Chris Wright

Frankly, it should come as no surprise that Mario Balotelli owns these three things...

It's strange. Everything's camouflaged yet we can still see the massive gimboid in the middle.

(Image via @MarioUfficialeB)

Snapshot: These Are The New Puma Kings, They Are Yellow…

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By Chris Wright

These 'ere are the new Puma Kings, to be worn for the first time by Yaya Toure, Mikel Arteta and Michael Carrick in the Premier League today...

Nope. Puma King's should be monochrome (with trace flecks of gold) and look like they could survive a nuclear apocalypse if asked.

Jose Mourinho To Walk Out Onto Pitch Alone 40 Minutes Early To Face Boo-Happy Real Madrid Fans

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By Chris Wright

"If you can find me, then you may boo me"

With Real Madrid fans unhappy at the club's lowly third-place berth in the La Liga table, eight points adrift of Atletico Madrid in second and an 11-point chasm behind Barca at the summit, there have been boos ringing out around the Bernabeu for a good few weeks now.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas 2012 – No. 4: The Hibernian Car Mat

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By Chris Wright

What a treat...

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas tat/gift series...

No. 1 The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2 The Sexy Managers Calendar
No. 3 The Huddersfield Tape Measure