Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

‘Ah Oui, I Vant To Stay En France’ – Joey Barton Eyes Long-Term Stay With Marseille

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By Alan Duffy

He's gone native he has! I bet he spends his free time sipping a café crèmeand gesticulating wildly for no apparent reason. Yes, the latest fine example of the Entente Cordiale, Joseph Du Barton, wants to extend his stay in Ligue 1 after enjoying a fine start to his Franco-adventure.

Patrick Ianni Wins MLS Goal Of The Year 2012 And It’s Easy To See Why… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seattle Sounders' mini-mulleted centre-half Patrick Ianni has been awarded the MLS Goal of the Season 2012 award for his spectacular scissor volley against Sporting KC and it's fairly easy to see why...

Worthy winner.

(Video: MLS)

FC Emmen’s Jeffrey De Visscher Has Contract Terminated After Being Arrested For Pooping In The Woods

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By Chris Wright

De Visscher, seen here in hisSC Cambuur days

Dutch second division side FC Emmen have terminated the contract of a player after he was arrested for being a 'wildpoeper' in the Hollandish vernacular which is, we're afraid to say, exactly what it sounds like.

‘I Was Doing A Chicken Dance’ – Sunderland Fan Accused Of Lukaku Monkey Gesture

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By Chris Wright

We must admit it looked like a monkey gesture at first glance, but you'll be glad to know that the Sunderland fan accused of aiming said gesture at West Brom striker Romelu Lukaku is innocent he was merely doing a post-goal chicken impression.

Phew.

21-year-old Sunderland fan Liam Hendon has come forward after being arrested on suspicion 'racially aggravated intentional harassment' and banned by Sunderland from attending any matches until the outcome of any court case, telling the Sunderland Echo:

"People have got it all wrong.

Friday Tactics: How Glen Johnson Switch Is Key to Enrique’s Leftfield Experiment

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In Liverpool's previous two matches, Brendan Rodgers has used a peculiar 'flipped' left side of the pitch, with nominal left-back Jose Enrique on the left of midfield, and left-winger Stewart Downing at left-back.

It's had mixed results: Enrique has rediscovered his form, but Downing doesn't look any more confident at left-back.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #13

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback the 13th: Jason Goes To Hell...

The champagne lifestyle eventually caught up with Frank, pictured here; aged 29...

Part-timeflute virtuosofor Soft Machine...

The 'Friends' producers' first choice for the role of Joey.

Hot stuff from Pies, Anorak and other great sites – Buy a rock star’s house (with football pitch), 20 weird gadgets and more

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Here are today's hottest stories from Pies and our partner sites

Buy Iron Maiden's Steve Harris's home (complete with football pitch and pub)

The 20 weirdest gadgets and gifts of 2012 and some are really bonkers

It is Atari and Pong's 40th birthday

The ultimate Christmas present for geeks (from you know who)

The best value smartphone so far the Google Nexus 4 gets reviewed

The week's best Premiership pics

The sexy managers Christmas calendar preview

Wrap up for winter 10 very fine scarves to keep you warm

MK Dons Scouts Told To Not Display Club Crest At AFC Wimbledon For Fear Of Trouble

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By Chris Wright

"Oi! Alex! Take that fackin' polo shirt off you numpty!"

To put it in youth-friendly parlance, 'it's complicated' between MK Dons and AFC Wimbledon at the moment, with the two sides one borne from the other in acrimonious circumstances due to meet for the first time since the separation in the FA Cup on Sunday.

Southampton Mascot Sammy Saint Dances ‘Gangnam Style’ At Half-Time vs Norwich (Video)

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By Chris Wright

At the interval during Southampton's 1-1 draw with Norwich on Wednesday eve, club mascot Sammy Saint earned his corn with arigorously choreographed 'Gangnam Style' routine not easy in a giant dog suit...

Go Sammy!

(Video: Official Saints)

Mario Balotelli Celebrates Goal Against Wigan With Shiny New Genghis Khan-Inspired Tattoo (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

(I kept in his nipple 'cos I know how you like things like that).

When I say Mad Mario celebrated his goal against Wigan with a tattoo, I didn't mean that he had the tatt done on the side of the pitch at the DW Stadium. In case you were wondering.

FIFA Showcase Official 2014 World Cup Brazil Host City Posters (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Hot on the heels of their ecologically-sound mascot; a three-banded armadillo by the name of 'Fuleco', FIFA have gotten round to drip-dripping the next few odds and sods pertaining to the 2014 World Cup.

What you see afore ye is the official posters for the 12 host cities of the 2014 tournament down Brazil way.

See If You Can Guess The Three-Man Ballon d’Or Shortlist – Go On, We Double Dare You…

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By Chris Wright

Yep, it's these three infuriatingly consistent gits Messi, Ronaldo and N.E. Other; third place this time around going to N.E. Esta (thanks to Pies fan @joehoot for that delightful pun!)...

Boring, boring Ballon d'Or-ing! Shame on them for all being so tediously elite.

Shit Lookalikes: Sebastian Coates & Raoul Silva From ‘Skyfall’

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By Chris Wright

Harry

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas 2012 – No. 3: The Huddersfield Town Tape Measure

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By Chris Wright

More in Pies' 2012 Christmas gift series...

No. 1: The Zlatan Sweater
No. 2: The 'Sexy Managers' Calendar

Shit Lookalikes: Marouane Fellaini & Face Stretch Scene In ‘Army Of Darkness’

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By Chris Wright

Apologies to those of you who were planning on sleeping tonight...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Send it to us at waatpies@gmailalong with a self-addressed envelope or Tweet the little blighter to us @waatpies if you're all hip and junk.

Top 10 Photos: Premier League, 28 Nov 2012 – Stealthy Man Love And An Homage To Wyld Stallyns

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By Chris Wright

No match reports for yesterday's batch of midweek games we're afraid, but here's Pies pick of the ten best still shots from Wednesday evening's Premier League schedule along with those hi-i-i-i-larious captions we know you all love (click for the full-sized photos).

Penniless Panathinaikos Unable To Pay Mounting Electricity Bill, Told To Play During The Day

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By Chris Wright

Intrepid Pana fans research alternative ways to illuminate their stadium

Now, we're not exactly economic experts here on Pies but we can say with a fair bit of confidence that 'things ain't great' over in Greece at the moment what with the entire country being brassic and all and the coffers at Panathinaikos are no different.

Mönchengladbach’s Juan Arango Scores Monster Volley vs Wolfsburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While not quite as outrageous as Adil Rami's 50-yard exocet in the Copa Del Rey last night, Borussia Mönchengladbach's Venezuelan midfielder Juan Arango for whom wonder goals are becoming a bit of a trademark this season came fairly close in the audacity stakes with an absolute monster of a volley against Wolfsburg.

Valencia Defender Adil Rami Scores Copa Del Rey Wonder-Strike From Inside Own-Half

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By Alan Duffy

French international defender Adil Rami scored quite the goal for Valencia in their Copa Del Rey clash with Llagostera on Wednesday night.

The 26-year-old fired home from inside his own-half, embarrassing the opposition 'keeper and helping his side to a 3-1 win.

Football GIF: Gareth Bale Scores Magnificent Face-Busting Own-Goal Against Liverpool

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By Alan Duffy

To be fair to the lad, he was outstanding against Liverpool in Tottenham's 2-1 win, scoring one and setting up the other for AVB's men. However, not content with that haul, young Mr, Bale decided to pitch in with quite a remarkable own-goal, in which the ball is smashed into his face by Aaron Lennon, before rebounding into the Spurs goal.

Spot The Baller: 28 Nov, 2012 – Gene Wilder

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By Chris Wright

Who's the Villa man gettingnobbledby Paddy Vieira?

Previous answer: It was Steve Lomas dishing out the cruncher...

Congrats to Smashers, David Allison, ERG1008 and Harry Lambous who all successfully sniffed out the Hammers' ginger powerhouse so to speak.

Milan Fined €4,000 For Terrible Banners Mocking Gianluca Pessotto With Felix Baumgartner ‘Joke’

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan have been fined€4,000 (which has been reduced after the club agreed to help the FIGC identify the fans responsible)after fans unfurled a couple of awful banners during their Serie A game against Juventus on Sunday, mocking former Juve centre-half Gianluca Pessotto's attempted suicide in 2006 with a large '[Felix] Baumgartner 1-0 Pessotto' flag.

Policeman Hacks Down Pitch Invader With Two-Footed Tackle From Behind (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the Israeli top flight game betweenBeitar Jerusalem-Maccabi Haifa, a policeman engages 'Cattermole Mode' and takes down a flighty pitch invader with a double-footed lunge from behind...

(Video: 101gg)

Football Tat: Liverpool’s Suave ‘Anfield Stadium Shirt’ Also Available In Matching Bomber Jacket

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By Chris Wright

Remember the subtly refined, timeless beauty that was the 'Anfield Stadium Shirt' as sold in the Liverpool online store for a bargain £40? Well, it would appear that it's now also available in bomber jacket form...

Yeesh. That's got to be a phony mock-up, right?

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas 2012 – No. 2: The Sexy Managers Calendar

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By Chris Wright

Nuddy Bobby on the balcony, Brokeback Mou & Pep, Flamenco Rafa, Buckin' Bronco 'Arry, Andre 'Old Spice' Villas Boas on horseback what's not to like?

Before you ask; yes, this is an actual thing, available here for a tenner.Why not treat Dad?

Aston Villa 1-0 Reading – Lambert’s Faith In Christian Pays Off Against Royals (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-0 Reading Premier League 27th November 2012

Much had been made of Darren Bent's exclusion from even the bench on Tuesday night, but Paul Lambert's decision to, once again, keep faith in Christian Benteke up front was rewarded when the Belgian striker fired home a late winner against Reading.

Sunderland 0-0 QPR – Harry’s Hoops Show Signs Of Improvement Against Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-0 Queens Park Rangers 27th November 2012

In his first game proper in charge of the Hoops, Harry Redknapp oversaw a decent performance from the Premier League struggles which earned the west Londoners a valuable point.

Over the course of the game, Rangers were the better side and produced the better chances, with Djibril Cissé in particular guily of missing a number of good chances.

Trinidad College Cup Final Abandoned After Linesman Beats Up Pitch Invader With His Flag (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When a pitch invader broke out onto the pitch and began slanging abuse at the linesman after he turned down a penalty appeal during the Trinidadian InterCol (inter-college) Cup Final between Presentation College San Fernando and Shiva Boys Hindu College, the suitably peeved lino dished out swift vengeance using the only weapon he had to hand.

Pies Christmas Gift Ideas 2012 – No. 1: The Zlatan Sweater

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By Chris Wright

Rejoice, for Pies' excellent Christmas Gift Guide hath returned-eth...

As men, we know it's far too early to be thinking about soddin' Chrimbo but you'll have to understand that our hand has been forced here by the greatest sweater ever committed to wool: The Zlatan Sweater.

Hot stuff from Pies and other sites – great sub £200 gadgets, Joey Barton’s French accent and more

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Here are today's hottest stories from Pies and our partner sites...

21 of the best gadgets for under £200

Mick Jagger's ten worst crimes against fashion

Football boots the original Nike Tiempo

Top 10 Subbuteo accessories

The ten weirdest Jimi Hendrix covers

Why Chelsea fans will never accept Rafa

The Rolling Stones Secret Songs

Joey Barton's amazing French accent

Nintendo Wii Mini to launch in time for Christmas

Apple iPad mini V Google Nexus 7 Vs Amazon Kindle Fire HD

Chelsea boo boys lack courage to attract Abramovich

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Mangled Write-Off Ferrari Listed On Ebay, Yours For Just €50,000!

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By Chris Wright

The Ferrari 599 which Cristiano Ronaldo totaled in a tunnel on theA538 Wilmslow Roadwhile on his way to Manchester United training back in 2009 has surfaced very much still wrecked on the French version of Ebay for the very reasonable asking price of€50,000.

Hot Chip’s New FIFA-Inspired Video For ‘Don’t Deny Your Heart’ Is A Thing Of Beauty (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's the spiffy new video for Hot Chip's latest effort 'Don't Deny Your Heart', directed by the brilliant Peter Serafinowicz (of 'Look Around You' and 'The Butterfield Diet' fame), which sees the band playing a game of FIFA-esque football on their tour bus a game which, like many an actual match, features a dance-off and a huge 'Space Mouth' barfing balls onto the pitch before ending in a giant crescendo of an orgy between the two sets of players.

Guerilla Dortmund Fans Break Into Bayern Munich’s Stadium, Slap Huge BVB Crest Up In VIP Box (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the two sides set to meet in the Bundesliga on Saturday, a couple of guerilla Dortmund fans wriggled their way inside the Allianz Arena and left their calling card on the window of the Bayern Munich VIP box...

Without wishing to piss on the parade, it's an advert for spray chalk.

Joey Barton Talks In Hilarious Faux French Accent After Popping His Marseille Cherry (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Speaking after making his first league appearance for Marseille at the weekend following his 12-game ban, here's Joey Barton showing us just how much French he's mastered so far the accent...

Zut Alors! Seems Joey has been watching old Pink Panther movies to get that sucker down.

Plucky Fourth Official Tries To Pinch Zlatan’s H2O, Gets The Death Stare (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Zlatan returned from his two-match suspension with a bang on Sunday night, scoring twice and laying on the other two goals in PSG's 4-0 trouncing of Troyes, though it was the fourth official's brief flirtation with an Ibra-related mauling that has emerged as the highlight.

Football Boots We Have Loved: Nike Tiempo

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere be a new regular-ish feature we be dabbling with on Pies, in which we have a look back at some of the football boots which have tugged on our heartstrings down through the years.

In a sport which only really requires you to supply a minimal amount of gear, your boots take on an added sentimental significance.

Snapshot: Harry Redknapp Unveiled At QPR (With Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Awright you fackers!?"

(Photos: PA Wire)

Sky Sports’ Harbinger Of Doom Geoff Shreeves Makes Sure Rafa Benitez 100% Clear That Chelsea Fans Hate Him (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sky reporter Geoff Shreeves has become a one-man pantomime. After 'going viral' for destroying Branislav Ivanovic's morale on live television by tactlessly informing him he'd be suspended for last season's Champions League final after picking up a yellow against Barca, a painfully self-aware Shreeves obviously now considers being football broadcasting's answer to the Grinch as his 'thing' as was apparent when, following yesterday's 0-0 draw against Man City,the Sky Sports prat made sure Rafa Benitez was 100% sure that the Chelsea fans hate him.

Moronic West Ham Fans Bring Shame On Their Club, Flash Nazi Salutes To Tottenham Fans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Shameful...

It's also being reported on social media that, along with the Nazi salutes, small pockets of West Ham fans also chanted 'Viva Lazio', 'Can we stab you every week?' and 'Hitler's coming for you, you f**king Jews' at White Hart Lane as well as hissing after letting off a smoke bomb (to mimic Holocaust gas chambers) in the week after ten Tottenham fans were beaten senseless and knifed in Rome for nothing other than being fans of a historically Jewish football club.

Felipe Melo Saves Last Minute Penalty, Celebrates Like A Bit Of A Tool (Video)

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By Chris Wright

1-0 up againstElazigspor with the game entering it's final throes, Galatasaray had 'keeper Fernando Muslerasent off, conceding an 88th minute penalty. With no substitutions left to make, Brazilian midfielderFelipe Melo donned the gloves, made the save and then celebrated with his silly trademark 'effeminateleopard' thing back across his goalline.

Chelsea 0-0 Man City – Jeers And Boos But No Goals As Benitez Era Kicks Off At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea0-0 Manchester City Premier League 25th November 2012

Not renowned for his entertaining teams, Rafa Benitez oversaw a dour goalless draw at Stamford Bridge in his first game in charge of the Blues.

The new Chelsea boss received a hostile reception from the home fans, who are still smarting from the sacking of Roberto Di Matteo and the game did little to lift the spirits of the crowd.

Swansea 0-0 Liverpool – Plenty Of Passing But Little Goal Threat At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-0 Liverpool Premier League 25th November 2012

The first game of what could have been a particularly 'Super Sunday' set the mood for a rather goal-free day, with Swansea and Liverpool playing out a rather uneventful goalless draw.

Southampton 2-0 Newcastle – Saints Climb Out Of Drop-Zone As Magpies’ Slump Continues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-0 Newcastle United Premier League 25th November 2012

Southampton climbed out of the drop-zone courtesy of a deserved victory against Newcastle.

Uruguayan schemer Gaston Ramiriez was the star of the show for the Saints, netting one and providing the assist for the other as the home side flourished against a disappointing Newcastle side.

Tottenham 3-1 West Ham – Jer-main Man! Defoe Defiles Hammers At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-1 West Ham United Premier League 25th November 2012

This game always brings with it a rather nasty atmosphere and this edition of this particular London derby was no different, with a section of West Ham fans singing, to their utter discredit, songs about Hitler and those Lazio stabbings.

Snapshot: Sky Sports News Info Bar Reveals Real Reason Behind Harry Redknapp’s QPR Move

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By Alan Duffy

Announcing Harry Redknapp's move to struggling QPR, Sky News' Info Bar produced quite a funny little footballing in-joke. Thanks to balls.ie for this little gem.

Enjoy...

Image courtesy of balls.ie

Aston Villa 0-0 Arsenal – Gunners Fail To Fire Against Improving Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-0 Aston Villa Premier League 24th November 2012

Aston produced a well-drilled, organised performance against Arsenal in the late game on Saturday with the Villans deservedly taking a home from the clash.

The Gunners struggled to click into gear throughout what was a rather dull affair in a rain-sodden Villa Park, with Laurent Koscielny and Aaron Ramsey spurning the visitors' two best chances.

Stoke 1-0 Fulham – Adam On Target As Whites Go Down At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-0 Fulham Premier League 24th November 2012

Fair dues to Tony Pulis. I might not like his manner or the way his teams play the game, but considering how many bigger name managers struggle to deal with the challenges of the Premier League, the way his Stoke side continue to stand strong in the top tier is worth applauding.

Everton 1-1 Norwich – Bassong Rescues Point For Canaries At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 Norwich City Premier League 22nd November 2012

A late late header from Sebastien Bassong salvaged a pointed for Norwich at Goodison Park on Saturday, a result that sees the Canaries extend their unbeaten run to six games in the Premier League.

Wigan 3-2 Reading – Gomez Hat-trick Downs Royals At The DW (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 3-2 Reading Premier League 24th November 2012

A second-half hat-trick from Spanish schemer Jordi Gomez, including a last-gasp winner at the death gave Wigan a precious victory against Reading at the DW Stadium.

The Royals impressed in the first-half and went ahead through young defender Sean Morrison, who bulleted a header past Ali Al-Habsi.

Football GIF: O-Man! Wigan’s Ali Al-Habsi Makes A Hash Of A High Ball Against Reading

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By Alan Duffy

Ali Al-Habsi is usually quite a fine goalkeeper, but against Reading on Saturday the Oman international made a right balls of a deflected high ball he really should have caught... or at least not put into his own-goal.

The Latics did ultimately go on to win the game, courtesy of a Jordi Gomez hat-trick.

Man Utd 3-1 QPR – Comeback Kings United Go Top After Victory Over Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Man Utd QPR Premier League 22nd November 2012

Manchester United went back to the top of the table oN Saturday after yet another comeback win, this time against bottom-dwellers QPR.

With new manager Harry Redknapp watching from the stands, the Hoops started superbly and could have found themselves ahead before half-time.

Sunderland 2-4 West Brom – Baggies Go Third After Declawing Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-4 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 22nd November 2012

The early game of the day saw Steve Clarke's high-flying Baggies face Martin O'Neill's rather mediocre Black Cats at the Stadium of Light.

West Brom played the better football in the first-half, and were eventually rewarded with a goal when Zoltan Gera curled a fine effort past Simon Mignolet.

Sir Alex Ferguson Statue Unveiled Outside Old Trafford (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Along with the entire first-team squad and around 2,500 fans, a smattering of former Manchester United luminaries were present last night as Sir Alex Ferguson's long-overdue statue was unveiled outside Old Trafford, withEric Cantona, Edwin van der Sar, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Peter Schmeichel and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer all turning out for the occassion.

Shit Lookalikes: Lukas Podolski’s Volley vs Montpellier & George Graham’s Volley vs Liverpool, 1970

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By Chris Wright

Spooky...

(Video: Reddit)

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #12

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback XII: The Return of Jafar...

Casual...

...and casual-er...

Many thanks to Old School Panini once again. Follow them on Twitter @OldSchoolPanini and makes your life roughly 15.75% better as a result.

QPR Sack Mark Hughes, Harry Redknapp Agrees Deal To Be Next In Line

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By Chris Wright

Winless Premier League-bottom dwellers QPR have sacked Mark Hughes. If this comes as a surprise to you then may Pies be the first to welcome you back from your stay on the International Space Station.

A club statement reads:

"Queens Park Rangers has today terminated the contract of manager Mark Hughes with immediate effect.

Azerbaijan Premier League Club Appoint 21-Year-Old Student As Manager Thanks To Sterling ‘Football Manager’ CV

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By Chris Wright

Azerbaijan's National stadium, home to their national side and FK Baku

You hear stories all the time of cheeky urchins submitting their Football Manager CVs to clubs in the hope of somehow getting themselves an interview. Indeed, when a 25-year-old lad by the name of John Boileau first tried his luck by contacting Middlesborough owner Steve Gibson about their managerial vacancy in 2006, Gibson even sent back a light-hearted 'sorry, you didn't get the jobthis time' letter.

Top 10 Photos: Europa League, 22 Nov 2012 – Gazza Makes Emotional Lazio Return And Joe Cole Scores A Bloody Goal!

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By Chris Wright

Pies hand-picked selection of the very finest organic, wild Alaskan line-caught photos from across Europa (click for the hand-reared, ethically-sourced, pan-seared full-size images)...

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Joe Cole celebrates after scoring his first Liverpool goal since April 2011 against Young Boys.

Wolves Auction Off Hole Punched In Dugout By Manager Stale Solbakken

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By Chris Wright

(Image: Birmingham Mail)

In a bid to raise a bit of money for the club'sCommunity Trust and the Royal British Legion, Wolves are auctioning off a truly unique piece of club memorabilia namely the 'hole' that manager Stale Solbakken punched out of the dugout at Molineux during the final minutes of the recent 3-3 draw with Brighton.

Europa League Snapshot: Things Get Ugly Between Stuttgart And Steaua…

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By Chris Wright

Stuttgart's Shinji Okazaki and Steaua Bucharest's Vlad Chiriches, ladies and gentlemen...

"Best Neil Warnock impression on three...1...2...3!"

(AP Photo/Vadim Ghirda)

Horrific Snapshot: Grim Photo Of Spurs Fan Stabbed In Lazio Emerges, Huge Knife Wound In Head

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By Chris Wright

A photo has emerged of Tottenham fan Ashley Mills, who was one of the ten supporters attacked by Lazio Ultras in the Drunken Ship pub in Rome before last night's Europa League game.

25-year-old Williams was admitted to San Camillo hospital with a huge gash in his head after being attacked by a knife-wielding hooligan early on Thursday morning.

Snapshot: Rafa Benitez Makes Sinister Arrival At Chelsea, Driven By Toady From Neighbours…

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By Chris Wright

Here's Rafa rolling up at Chelsea's Cobham training complex for the first time and looking very sinister while doing so like a super criminal mastermind surveying a remote island for the first time and choosing which mountain he's going to build his evil lair inside.

Shit Football Kits: Croatia’s Garish Half-And-Half ‘Keeper Kit, 1996

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking is Croatia's gruesome goalkeeper shirt from early 1996, which looked like the top half was designed by a teenage girl using those plastic beads you bake in the over and the bottom half was lifted from the floor of the library in The Pagemaster.

Champions League: Man City 1-1 Real Madrid – Citizens Fail To Make Last 16 After Etihad Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-1 Real Madrid Champions League 21st November 2012

Manchester City failed to make the Last 16 of the Champions League for the second season in a row after they could only draw with Real Madrid at the Etihad.

The visitors were ahead after just 10 minutes when Karim Benzema was left unmarked to score from close range.

‘Liberty And Victory’ – Man Utd Stars Rooney, Valencia & Chicharito Appear In Indonesian Rock Band Nidji’s Music Video

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By Chris Wright

Presenting, the official video for 'Liberty and Victory' a truly formulaic, anodine chest-thumper by Indonesian rock supremos 'Nidji' (who are probably Manchester United's official Indonesian soft rock partners), filmed at Old Trafford and guest starring the likes of Wayne Rooney, Antonio Valencia, Chicharito, Shinji Kagawa, David De Gea and United's kitman for some reason.

Top 10 Photos: Champions League, 21 Nov 2012 – Beware The Schalkelanche!

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By Chris Wright

The best Wednesday night had to offer (click for the full-size images)...

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Arsene Wenger seems a little concerned with Thomas Vermaelen's throw-in technique (AP Photo/Kirsty Wigglesworth)

This way for the pick of the photos from Tuesday night's Champions League action.

Champions League: Arsenal 2-0 Montpellier – Gunners Stroll Into Knockout Stages At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 Montpellier Champions League -21st November 2012

Goals from Jack Wilshere and Lukas Podolski were enough to see off Montpellier at the Emirates on Wednesday night, as well as secure Arsenal's passage to the knockout stages of the competition.

Dortmund’s Mario Götze Displays Impressive Chewing Gum Keepy-Uppies Skills (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Dortmund's Mario Götze runs through the old 'chewing gum keepy-uppies' routine...

Nice in a slightly gross way, though Götze'sshtickis hardly original. Rafa van der Vaart and Mesut Ozil have already tried their hand at the 'Orbit Sugar-Free Shuffle', though, lest we forget, 'twas Zlatan that got there first.

Nike Launch New ‘Green Speed 2′ Boots – Recycled Bottles And Beans Never Looked So Good! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember Nike's original Greenspeed ('GS') boots which were worn by Neymar at the London Olympics and were mostly made from recycled bottles and beans to keep them as light and ecologically sound as possible. What we have here is the sequel; the Greenspeed 2 or 'GS2′ if you'd prefer.

‘Go Left!’ – Belgian Stadium Announcer Shouts Instructions To Keeper, Keeper Saves Penalty! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Stadium announcers are usually only good for two things: reading out the line-ups and informing fans that their cars are being broken into, though during the recent Belgian fifth division between Acren and Walhain, the man on the PA system added a third string to his bow.

Tottenham Fans Injured, One Seriously, After Being Attacked By ‘Lazio Ultras’ In Rome

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By Chris Wright

Tables and stools are overturned outside The Drunken Ship pub in Rome (Image: AP/Angelo Carconi)

Awful news reaching us this morning that a large group of Tottenham fans were injured last night when a group of around 100 'Lazio Ultras' attacked them in a bar in Rome ahead of tonight's Europa League fixture between the two sides.

Philippe Mexes Scores Outrageous Zlatan-Esque Overhead Kick vs Anderlecht (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Move over Zlatan, there's a new piggy-tailed overhead kick sensei in town...

Mexes did good? Mexes did very good.

Chelsea Appoint Rafa Benitez As Interim Manager Until Season’s End

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By Chris Wright

"Hi guys, I'm Rafa. Don't get too attached"

It's not a decision that appears to have gone down well with the more vocal contingent of the Chelsea support, but the club have appointed Rafa Benitez as their interim manager until the end of the season under 12 hours after sacking Roberto Di Matteo.

Brentford Announce ‘Pay What You Can’ Ticket Scheme, Will Donate Half Of Every £5+ Ticket To Charity

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By Chris Wright

League One side Brentford have announced a cockle-warmingly commendable plan to introduce a 'Pay What You Can' ticket pricing scheme for their final game before Christmas the league fixture against Stevenage on Saturday 22nd December.

Essentially, The Bees are inviting fans to pay as much or as little as they can afford for a match ticket (with a minimum price of £1) and for every ticket sold for over £5, half of the money will be donated to the Sport Relief charity.

Top 10 Photos: Champions League, 20 Nov 2012 – Titanic Moments, Sarky Banners & Alligator Measuring

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By Chris Wright

Pies select pick of the ten best shots from Tuesday night's Champions League frippery (click for the mahoosive full-size photos)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Barcelona's Daniel Alves measures an alligator (AP Photo/Misha Japaridze)

Photos: PA

Spot The Baller: 21 Nov, 2012 – David Schwimmer

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By Chris Wright

Just a bit of midweek fun for you 'orrible lot.Who's the West Ham player flying in on Tranmere's Alan Morgan, all the while being obscured by affable Jewish actor David Schwimmer?

Clue: It's an FA Cup game.

Previous answer: Dion Dublin

Congrats to ERG1008, Tim, David Allison and all the folks on Twitter who successfully pinpointed The Dubemeister upon that there stretcher.

Snapshot: Carles Puyol Is Far Too Hard For Blankets…

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By Chris Wright

Via @jamesappell (Image: Sports.ru)

Shakhtar’s Luiz Adriano Ignores Fair Play, Scores Like A Douchebag vs Nordsjaelland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With play having been restarted with an uncontested drop-ball after the referee blew up for an off-the-ball incident, in a time-honoured 'fair play' gesture Shakhtar's Willian simply humped the ball back over the top and through to theNordsjaelland keeper to get things underway again.

Shit Lookalikes: Andrea Pirlo & Serpico

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By Chris Wright

Pirlo is Juve's bearded midfield passing hub and a high-ranking entry on Pies' list of man crushes.

Frank Serpico is Al Pacino's bearded police whistleblower from the film of the same name.

Thanks to Pies spotter Luke Atkins for the spot.

Horror Hair: Michael Bridges Does Movember Properly With Two-Tone Handlebar

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By Chris Wright

Now with A-League side Newcastle United Jets (yes, they of 'Heskey' fame!), former Sunderland and Leeds striker Michael Bridges has definitely got this Movember thing down...

(Image via ESPN's 15 Finest Footballing Moustaches)

Chelmsford City’s Calamitious Freekick Cock-Up Results In Breakaway Goal For Hayes & Yeading (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Action from last night's Blue Square South, where Hayes & Yeading capitalise on a particularly calamitous set-piece 'taken' by the Chelmsford City midfielder (Craig Parker?) which was botched with all the grace and poise of a paralytic elephant...

Thanks to Pies fan @MiMeldrum for the nudge.

Chelsea Sack Roberto Di Matteo, Now Looking For Ninth Manager In Nine Years

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By Chris Wright

"Wooo!!! I never want this feeling to end!!!"

As special thanks for winning the one trophy he'd been chasing for years, Roman Abramovich woke up this morning and decided to sack Roberto Di Matteo after last night's 0-3 Champions League defeat against Juventus having signed him up to a fresh two-year deal in June having won the FA Cup and the Biggie as an interim.

Champions League: Galatasaray 1-0 Man Utd – Powell Impresses As Red Devils Lose In Hell (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Galatasaray 1-0 Man Utd Champions League 20th November 2012

Having already qualified for the knockout stages of the competition, Fergie rested a number of his big name players for this trip to 'HELLLLLLL'!!!!

Anyway, youngster Nick Powell produced an impressive performance in the centre of midfield and came closest to scoring for the Red Devils, only for his header to come back off the woodwork.

Snapshot: Brave Celtic Fan Shows His True Colours In Lisbon, Either That Or He Got Lost

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By Alan Duffy

He may have watched his beloved Bhoys fail to build on that famous win against Barcelona, as Celtic went down 2-1 away at Benfica, but for one brave and proud Celtic fan, he wasn't going to be put off by a few thousand locals.

Well, either he was brave, or he'd simply got lost and ended up in the wrong end of the ground.

Champions League: Juventus 3-0 Chelsea – Old Lady Too Strong For Youthful Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Juventus 3-0 Chelsea Champions League 20th November 2012

Without wise old heads such as Frankie Lamps, John Terry and the departed Didier Drogba, Chelsea's new generation of superstars were comprehensively beaten by a far superior Juventus side in Turin.

“Chelsea Take The Lead!!!!… No, It’s A Corner” – Clive Tyldesley Gets Ahead Of Himself On ITV (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

ITV's excitable Manchester United fan-in-residence, Clive Tyldesley, has a habit of getting ahead of himself whilst commentating, something he perfectly demonstrated early on in Chelsea's Champions League clash with Juventus.

As Eden Hazard's attempt on goal deflected off Gigi Buffon's legs and towards the pitchside hoardings, Tyldesley had a bit of a commentator-gasm, as his voice grunted out, rather disturbingly, "Chelsea take the lead".

‘He’s Crazy, That’s All’ – Gennaro Gattuso Reminisces About The Time Gazza Took A Dump In His Boxer Shorts

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By Chris Wright

"Oh God, I don't want to look..."

Gennaro Gattuso, currently FC Sion, has obviously been spending some time on the psychiatrist's couch since moving to Switzerland, back-tracking through the corridors of his mind and revisiting his most painful memories that is, if his latest revelation about a particular brush with Gazza during his year (1997/98) at Rangers is anything to go by.

Harry Redknapp In Line For Ukraine Job, But Can He Commute From Sandbanks To Kiev?

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By Alan Duffy

'What's the best way to get to Kiev, mate should I take the A27 or go via London?"

In new that is sure to have pricked up the ears of QPR owner Tony Fernandes, the Ukrainian FA are apparently targeting 'Arry Redkapp as the man to replace Oleg Blokhin, who resigned in September.

Whole Lotta Mounting Goin’ On As Man Utd, Man City & Arsenal Train Ahead Of Champions League (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"You're my wife now"

Here's a big ol' batch of photos of Arsenal, Manchester United and Manchester City limbering up for their various Champions League excursions this week. Nothing more, nothing less...

Photos: PA

Retro Football: Welcome To Hell! The Night Galatasaray Scared Man Utd Stiff, 1993 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Intense, fearsome, fevered, terrifying. Sir Alex Ferguson described Manchester United's visit to Galatasaray's Ali Sami Yen stadium for their Champions League second round second leg as his squad being"exposed to as much hostility and harassment as I have ever known on a football expedition.

Top 10 Subbuteo Accessories From Yesteryear (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

I think we can all agree that the actual game of Subbuteo was tripe and yes, this is largely because I was terrible at it but the accessories were absotively fantastic works of miniature art.

From the pure pleasure derived from getting your hands on a beautiful, pristine green box containing the Port Vale 1990 squad displayed in uniform within their blister pack to the very first time you snapped one of them off at the ankles Subbuteo's visual aesthetic was a thing to be cherished.

Galatasaray Fan Calls Ashley Young In Hotel Room, Gives Him ‘Welcome To Hell’ Treatment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As is now customary when English sides roll into town, Galatasaray lay on the whole 'welcome to Hell' schtick though this plucky blighter goes one step further and actually gets himself patched through to Ashley Young's hotel room to extend his devilish greeting to the Manchester United winger man-to-man.

David Beckham To Quit LA Galaxy For ‘One Last Experience’ Elsewhere

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By Chris Wright

David Beckham has today announced that the season finale MLS Cup Final against Houston Dynamo on December 1st will be his last for LA Galaxy for, after six years playing in La-La Land, he is leaving the States in search of 'one last experience' elsewhere before he retires.

Snapshot: Carlos Tevez’s Man City Payslip Leaked…

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By Chris Wright

Not entirely sure if this is 100% kosher or not, but according to Twitter this here is Carlos Tevez's monthly payslip from Manchester City for the month of March, 2010.

As you can see, he earned a fair whack. In fact, he earned the best part of £750,000 (before tax, etc).

West Ham 1-1 Stoke – All Square At The Boleyn In Battle Of The Hoofers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-1 Stoke City Premier League 19th November 2012

This was never going to be the most aesthetically pleasing 90 minutes, but in the end, this clash of two exponents of the long-ball game produced enough moments of excitement to keep the Upton Park crowd entertained on a Monday night.

Should AFC Wimbledon Fans Boycott Their FA Cup Tie With MK Dons?

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By Chris Wright

The trulyvacuous 'stadium:mk' in all it's glory

From the moment it was noticed and flagged up as possible it became almost inevitable. For the first time in footballing history well, since 2002 MK Dons and AFC Wimbledon are scheduled to play each other in the FA Cup second round on the second day of December.

Tornado Tears Portuguese Football Stadium Apart, Mother Nature Kicks Silves FC’s Arse (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Amazing footage here of a tornado tearing through the Southern Portuguese town of Silves and violently deconstructing the Estadio Dr. Francisco Vieira, home to local semi-pro side Silves FC...

The best part is, you just know that FC Tokyo and Vissel Kobe would be happy to play in those conditions.

Shit Lookalikes: Olivier Giroud & James Roday

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By Chris Wright

Giroud is Arsenal's French fancy.

Roday is an American actor who has starred in absolutely nothing worth watching.

Great spot from Pies fan 'Ziggy Stardust'. You're a star, man.

Sitting on a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Police Claim Female Zenit Fans Smuggled Fireworks Into Stadium ‘Inside Themselves’ After Keeper Injured By Explosion

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By Chris Wright

Zenit St Petersburg's game against Dynamo Moscow had to be abandoned during the first half after Dynamo keeperAnton Shunin was hit by a firework thrown from the Zenit end.

Shunin was taken directly to hospital where he was found to have suffered a chemical burn of the cornea and eyelids, conjunctival injection (red eye) in both eyes, as well as post-traumatic otitis of the right ear with bonus hearing loss thrown in for good measure.

Pyromaniac Fans Engulf Romanian Fifth Division Match In Ring Of Fire (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which fans ofASU Politehnica put on one hell of a pyro display during their 4-1 win over AS Nadrag in the Romanian fifth division, with plumes of thick flare smoke billowing over the pitch while play continues almost obliviously...

(Video: 101GG)

Horror Hair: Southampton Keeper Paolo Gazzaniga’s Terrible Padawan Rat Tail

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By Chris Wright

Never is this kind of thing acceptable, whether you're being trained by a Jedi Master or not...

Someone's obviously been asking for a 'Roberto Palacios' at the barbers.

Fulham 1-3 Sunderland – Black Cats Maul 10-Man Whites At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-3 Sunderland Premier League 18th November 2012

Sunderland secured only their second league win of the season at Craven Cottage on Sunday, although their victory owed a lot to the dismissal of Fulham's Brede Hangeland.

The home side started the game well, with Dimitar Berbatov once again pulling the strings for the White.

QPR 1-3 Southampton – Hughes Vows To Fight On Despite Dismal Defeat At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-3 Southampton Premier League 17th November 2012

After seeing his struggling QPR side produce a quite appalling performance at home to Southampton on Saturday, Hoops' boss Mark Hughes vowed to fight on.

Facing Rangers were a side still looking for a Premier League win this season, but Nigel Adkins' men were by far the better side on Saturday and thoroughly deserved the three points.

Newcastle 1-2 Swansea – Magpies Lose Again As Swans Secure Impressive Win At St James’ Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 1-2 Swansea City Premier League 17th November 2012

Swansea enjoyed only their second away win of the season at St James' Park on Saturday in what was a rather decent 90 minutes of football. The home team were without Papiss Cissé who was not allowed play courtesy of FIFA's five-day rule which was invoked by Senegal.

Reading 2-1 Everton – Le Fondre Fires Royals To First Win Of The Season (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 2-1 Everton Premier League 17th November 2012

Reading came from behind at the Madjeski on Saturday to secure their first league win of the season against high-flying Everton.

The visitors totally dominated the first-half and should have been out of sight by half-time.

FC Tokyo And Vissel Kobe Laugh In Face Of Health & Safety, Play On Completely Water-Logged Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good to see the J-League aren't scared of a bit of surface moisture...

Amazingly enough, Kobe still managed to win 1-0!

Video: 101GG

Modric Drops 60-Yard Pinpoint Pass On Benzema’s Toe, Athletic Bilbao Defender Steals In To Score Deft Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid whupped a hopeless Athletic Bilbao 5-1 at the Bernabeu yesterday evening, with Bilbao defenderJon Aurtenetxe notching Los Blancos' sweetest goal of the night stealing in after Karim Benzema had bought Luka Modric's glorious 60-yard pass under and lobbing the ball deftly over his own keeper to open proceedings.

Liverpool 3-0 Wigan – Reds Over The Moon After Another Suarez Masterclass (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 3-0 Wigan Athletic Premier League 17th November 2012

Comfortable home wins have been something of a rarity for Liverpool this season. However, thanks to in-form Uruguayan hitman Luis Suarez (yet again), the Reds secured their second home victory of the season again Wigan.

Norwich 1-0 Man Utd – Sergeant Pilko Heads Canaries To Victory As Red Devils Fail To Spark (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-0 Manchester United Premier League 17th November 2012

As an Irishman myself, I've always hoped that wideman Anthony Pilkington would choose to line out for the Republic of Ireland rather than England. Despite making one appearance for the Irish U21s, the 24-year-old is yet to cement his allegiance to the Boys in Green, but (courtesy of a Dublin granny), he would surely be a decent addition to the struggling Irish.

Man City 5-0 Aston Villa – Citizens Go Top After Battering Villans At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 5-0 Aston Villa Premier League 17th November 2012

A brace from both Carloz Tevez and fellow countryman Sergio Aguero helped Man City to a five-goal romp against Aston Villa at the Etihad on Saturday, a result that sees the Citizens go top of the table.

West Brom 2-1 Chelsea – Baggies Go Fourth As Di Matteo Tinkering Backfires (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 2-1 Chelsea Premier League 17th November 2012

With one eye on next week's vital Champions League clash with Juventus, Chelsea boss Roberto Di Matteo made five changes to his side ahead of their tricky trip to the Hawthorns.

Football GIF: Was Emmanuel Adebayor’s High Lunge On Santi Cazorla Worthy Of A Red Card?

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By Chris Wright

Brilliant game, thanks largely to Manu getting a bit carried away after 18 minutes...

Not the worst 'horror' tackle ever committed that's for sure (it looked far, far worse in real time), but it's hard to argue with it being red-worthy not really by our standards, but by those that matter.

Arsenal 5-2 Tottenham – Adebayor Scores And Sees Red As Gunners Thrash Lilywhites At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 5-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 17th November 2012

True to form, the latest edition of the north London derby produced another truck-load of goals, with Arsenal coming out on top after an ex-Gunner gave them a helping hand.

Somebody Forgot To Put 50p In The Lecky Meter Before Moreirense vs Benfica (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A week or so after Braga's Champions League game against Manchester United was interrupted by floodlight failure, somebody forgot to stick 50p in the lecky metre before Moreirense's Taca de Portugal (Portuguese Cup) tie with Benfica...

The game was halted by sudden-onset darkness with the score at 0-1, with Benfica then adding another to end the night 0-2 winners after the floodlights came back on.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #11

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By Chris Wright

The Friday Flashback XI: Simba's Pride...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8
Friday Flashback Volume #9
Friday Flashback Volume #10

Striker Lofts Ball Over Stranded Keeper, Substitute Keeper Runs Onto Pitch And Makes Heroic Save! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Clean through on goal in an Argentinian lower league game, Bell Ville's striker lofts the ball past San Martin's goalkeeper and rightly assumes that he's got himself on the scoresheet.

Unfortunately for the Belle Ville forward, San Martin's substitute keeper (who was warming-up behind the goal) had spotted the danger early and ran onto the pitch to help his buddy out in his hour of need with Belle Ville then unable to make the subsequent indirect free-kick count.

‘It’s A Goal, Michael’ – BBC Radio Commentator Completely Misses Goal, Corrected By Brilliantly Deadpan Co-Commentator (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

In which, duringTuesday night's FA Cup replay between Lincoln and Walsall, BBC Radio Lincolnshire commentator Michael Hortin fails to spot Jamie Paterson's late consolation for Walsall only to be corrected by a brilliantly deadpan piece of co-commentary from his wingman.

I’m A Magpie, Get Me Out OF Here! Newcastle Stage Bushtucker Trial In Honour Of Ant And Dec (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

In honour that charming/smug/annoying/really annoying/utterly annoying (you choose) Newcastle duo Ant and Dec, the Magpies decided to host their own I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 'bushtucker' trial at their Benton headquarters.

Players and coaching staff had a chance to get up close and personal with spiders and snakes as well as chomping on some kangaroo bollocks.

German Church Finally Grant Young Lad His Dying Wish – To Have Borussia Dortmund’s Crest On His Gravestone

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By Chris Wright

Terminally ill Jens Pascal, 9, pictured with Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp last Christmas

Thanks largely to a 140,000-strong Facebook campaign, a German church have finally agreed to allow 9-year-old Jens Pascal have his dying wish honoured and have the crest of his favourite football club, Borussia Dortmund on his gravestone.

Roberto Mancini Conducts Man City Press Conference In David Platt Mask (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So, this happened earlier today: Man City manager Roberto Mancini turned up for his weekly Friday press conference wearing a David Platt mask after his second-in-command stood in for him last week...

He could have acheived the same effect by holding a pink balloon over his face.

Argentinian Apertura Match Abandoned After Keeper Has Eardrums Blown In By Firecracker (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Argentinian Apertura game between Independiente and Belgrano on Wednesday night had to be abandoned when Belgrano keeper Juan Olave was pelted with a firecracker by the home fans behind the goal which exploded mere metres from his feet as the second half was about to commence.

Jonas Olsson Auctions Off Boots Zlatan Wore Against England, Raises Funds For Premature Baby Charity

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By Chris Wright

If you fancy getting your hands on the very pair of boots that Zlatan used to slay England in Stockholm on Wednesday night, now's your chance as centre-half Jonas Olsson has procured them and is auctioning them off in the name of charity.

In a bid to raise funds for the Winnicott Foundation, a charity who help care for premature and critically ill newborn babies, Olsson is inviting people to donate a fiver to the foundation, and when the total donation reaches £10,000 (Olsson has stated that when it reaches £5,000 he will match it) he will pick a winner at random from those who have pledged their money.

Hertfordshire FA Ban 14-Year-Old Goalkeeper With Tourettes For Swearing At Referee

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By Chris Wright

The Hertfordshire FA have issued young goalkeeper Owen Thompson with a two-match ban and a £25 fine after being reported after a Sunday League game for swearing at the referee.Nothing untoward there, you might think and ordinarily you'd be right but, you see, 14-year-old Owen suffers from Tourettes Syndrome.

Commentators Around The World React To Zlatan’s Overhead Blockbuster vs England (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

This is doing the rounds this morning, and it's ace...

Via Off The Ball on Soundcloud

Mega TV Rights Deal to Benefit Premier League Clubs

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SPONSORED POST

Domestic and global TV rights for Premier League matches are about to topple the £5 billion mark for the first time in history. This means a staggering amount of money to Premier League teams from the title winning side all the way down to the bottom three clubs.

Presenting: The Football Photo Of The Year 2011/12…

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By Chris Wright

Here it is folks: the Football Photo of the Year for 2011/12, as captured by Guardian and Observer lens-jockey Tom Jenkins...

Jenkins's shot of the Swansea mascot looking decidedly unimpressed at being left out of the huddle was chosen by a panel made up of, among others, Sky Sports commentator Martin Tyler, chairman of the Football Writers' Association Andy Dunn and last year's winner Martin Rickett.

‘It Would Be Like Speaking To Fish, Octopus And Crabs’ – Eric Cantona Expresses Interest In Man Utd Manager Job Using Abstract Aquatic Metaphor

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By Chris Wright

"You're handshake is like that of a basking shark"

Eric Cantona has expressed his willingness to manage Manchester United at some point in the future but, this being Eric Cantona, he's used the most tangential terms possible to do so.

Speaking to ESPN, King Eric used the time-honoured medium of abstract aquatic metaphor to throw his hat into the ring for the United job as and when Sir Alex decides to knock it on the head.

Top 10 Photos: International Break, 14 Nov 2012 – Gurns, Grimaces & Pile-Ons

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the stills from Wednesday night's international action (click for the full-size images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Jordan Rhodes grimaces as he nods in Scotland's first goal against the part-timers of Luxembourg

Photos: PA

Shit Lookalikes: Danny Welbeck & Shaun The Sheep

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By Chris Wright

Now we know where Welbeck got the inspiration for his little puffball haircut from...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us @waatpies if you're so inclined.

XI Conclusions: Sweden 4-2 England

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By Chris Wright

1. There's no way to look cool in a defensive wall.

2. That's it. That's England's level. A 4-2 defeat to Sweden should not spark clamour for an inquisition and, by and large, it hasn't. That marks real progress in the steady march toward the realisation that England are just an upper-mid-level, one-paced, unexciting national side that will probably win more games than they lose without ever challenging for a trophy.

Union’s Gaston Cellerino Kung-Fu Kicks Wanderers Keeper In The Heart! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having just been sent-off for picking up a second yellow card with three minutes left to play, Union La Calera striker Gaston Cellerino began his long march down the tunnel though he made a few rest-stops on his way off.

Initially Cellerino had a minor barney with Santiago Wanderers keeper Mauricio Viana, pushing him as he trudged from the pitch only for Viana do hit the deck like a sack of spuds, feigning a blow to the face.

Brazilian Superstar Neymar Makes Utter Hash Of Penalty Against Colombia (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

While Zlatan Ibrahimovic was scoring one of the all-time great goals against England in Stockholm, another of football's superstars, Brazilian attacker Neymar was producing one of the worst penalty kicks ever in New York.

The game, against Colombia, was Brazil's 1,000th fixture and with the scores at 1-1 (with Neymar scoring the Brazilians' goal), the gifted attacker had a chance to win the game from the penalty spot.

Sweden 4-2 England – Irresistible Ibrahimovic Puts Four Past Three Lions In Stockholm (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sweden 4-2 England International Friendly 14th November 2012

Played in eerie silence under the closed roof of the new Friends Arena in Stockholm, Roy Hodgson's mix of new and old were ultimately put to the sword by that shrinking Swedish violet Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

Snapshot: Zlatan 4-2 England… (With Video Of THAT Goal!)

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By Chris Wright

Shite pitches don't matter when you do all your best work in mid-air...

Rest assured, we'll have more reaction (mostly of the OMG! variety) to Zlatan's mountainous performance as and when.

(Photo: Owen Humphreys/PA)

Marseille Wingman Mathieu Valbuena Scores Solo Stunner For France Against Italy (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

There seems to have been a fair few cracker netted tonight across Europe. While Zlatan was runnin' tings (sorry) in Stockholm, fleet-footed French wingman Mathieu Valbuena was runnin' rings (that's quite clever actually) around Italy's defence, netting this super solo effort in Parma.

Parachute Jumper Overshoots Stadium Landing, Crashes Straight Into Oblivious Player (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's something you don't see everyday! Descending into the stadium as part of the pre-game twaddle of an Ecuadorian league tie, a parachutist overshoots his landing by several metres and careens straight into the back of LDU Quito forward Claudio Bieler who was obliviously going through his warm-up routine.

Suddenly Feeling Very Old: Remember Bebeto’s ‘Baby Cradle’ Goal Celebration? That Baby Now Plays For Brazil U20s

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By Chris Wright

Hark back to 1994, specifically the World Cup of 1994, the quarter-finals. Remember Bebeto scoring Brazil's second goal against Holland at thePasadenaRose Bowl and the subsequent 'baby cradle' celebration withMazinho (father of Barcelona starlet Thiago Alcantara) and Romario?

Spot The Baller: 13 Nov, 2012 – Lou Reed

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By Chris Wright

Who's the stretcher-bound Manchester United man?

Previous answer: 'Twas Brian Laudrup obscured behind Whoopi Goldberg's handsome visage...

We'd love to dish out some due Brownie points, but absolutely no-one got it right though we must compliment Pies fan Eric for his answer (he surmised it may actually be Whoopi herself).

FIFA Announce Puskas Award 2012 Shortlist: The Nominees Are As Follows…

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By Chris Wright

The ten FIFA nominees for the Puskas Award 2012 (or 'Goal of the Year' if you'd prefer) have been announced, and the shortlist looks like this y'all...

1. Hatem Ben Arfa, NEWCASTLE vs Bolton...

2. Gaston Maella, NACIONAL POTOSI vs The Strongest.

Shit Football Kits: The New Catalonia Shirt Is Not Pretty!

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By Chris Wright

Catalonia's make-believe national side unveiled their new strip for 2013 earlier in the week, with coach Johan Cruyff's perplexed face summing up our sentiments more eloquently than we ever could...

You know when kids lean out the window, only to be sick down the side the car?

Devious Coach Attempts To Trip Winger On Touchline, Made To Stand Behind Fence As Punishment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during an Italian youth league game between Corpolo andRivazzurra, the Rivazzurra coach attempts to prod the ball away from the Corpolo winger yomping up the touchline with a sneaky flick of the foot.

The devious coach misses the ball and the man, but the Corpolo winger is still incensed after stumbling in his attempt to hurdle the encroaching limb and a bit of a barney kicks off with the offending coach then made to go and sheepishly stand behind a wire fence in punishment for his delinquency.

England U21 2-0 Northern Ireland U21: England Welcome Six New Faces And Sixth Win On The Spin (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

A goal apiece from Connor Wickham and Benik Afobe saw England's U21 string score a comfortable friendly victory over their Northern Irish counterparts at Bloomfield Road last night.

Stuart Pearce gave six debutants the nod as Nick Powell, Harry Maguire, Nathaniel Chalobah, Will Hughes, Liam Moore and goal-scorer Afobe all made their U21 bows, with England clinchinga sixth successive win for the first time in 21 years.

Retro Snapshot: Steven Gerrard Collects First England Cap, 2000

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By Chris Wright

With No. 100 on the cards in Stockholm tonight, here's a fresh-faced Steven Gerrard formally collecting his first ever England cap from Keggy having made his debut against Ukraine a day after his 20th birthday, back in May of 2000...

(Photo: Fiona Hanson/PA Wire)

‘Day In The Life Of Zlatan’ As Imagined By French Television Show (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the real thing currently suspended for axe kicking the St-Etienne keeper in the gut, French television show 'Le Petit Journal' have decided for fill the Zlatan-shaped void in everyone's lives by making a 'day in the life' spoof.

With a nod to Nike's first-person 'Take It To The Next Level' adverts from a couple of years ago, we see the world through Zlatan's powerful peepers as he wakes up, gets dressed then sets about inflicting all sorts of pain on his PSG teammates and autographing whatever the hell he feels like autographing.

Tottenham Tyro Souleymane Coulibaly Scores Sweet First-Time Torpedo vs Southampton U21s (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Cracking first-time top corner-seeking missile from exciting 17-year-old Tottenham urchin Souleymane Coulibaly, as scored against Southampton's U21/Next Gen string last night...

The moment of impact...

KABOOM!

(Video and image: Spurs)

Levante At Loggerheads With Real Madrid Over Claims Pepe ‘Danced, Goaded And Mocked’ Their Players

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By Chris Wright

"Hahaha! You're shit and you know you are!"

Levante and Real Madrid are at snippy loggerheads with one another over claims and subsequent counter-claims that a dressing room dust-up whipped up after the game, sparked by Pepe goading Levante's players while passing past their doorway after Real's 2-1 victory at the weekend.

Didier Drogba Phone Call Leaves Wunderkind Wilfried Zaha Split 50/50 Over England Commital

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By Alan Duffy

What a week it's been for Crystal Palace wunderkind wing-wizard Wilfried Zaha. From getting an England call-up to being linked to Real Madrid to even being (mis)quoted as saying that only Messi and Ronaldo are better than him, the 20-year-old is getting even more media coverage than Jimmy Savile at moment.

The Lower-League Legends Who Played For England

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By Anorak

They came from nowhere! Meet the lower-league legends who graced the highest stage of all...

Wilfried Zaha's call-up to the full England squad has raised eyebrows among those accustomed to the Premier League closed shop that has become the norm in recent times.

Hibernian Sack Stadium Announcer For Taunting Penniless Rivals Hearts By Playing The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ At Half-Time

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By Chris Wright

Table-toppers Hibernian have sacked their stadium announcer after he played 'Taxman' by the Beatles as a jibe at local rivals Hearts during the half-time interval at Hibs' Scottish Premier League tie against Dundee United on Sunday.

A Hibs spokesman said: "The stadium announcer's contract has been terminated following a breach of conduct.

Good Ol’ Fashioned Howler: Atletico Rafaela Keeper Waits, And Waits, And Waits, And Waits… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Argentinian top flight last night, Atletico Rafaela keeper Guillermo Sara drops a bollock and concedes what's known in the trade as 'a howler' against Estudiantes.

With a pass-back trickling towards him, Sara runs a complex set of calculations and spacialalgorithmsand is sure that the bobbling ball will make it back to the edge of his area in good time.

Old Man With Lady Gaga T-Shirt And American Football On His Head Performs ‘The Emile Heskey Rap’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just an old guy, wearing a homemade Lady Gaga t-shirt and an American football on his head, performing a self-penned urban ode to Emile Heskey in his bedroom filled with toy monkeys and garden gnomes.

Standard stuff really...

Christ on a bike, what is this fresh hell we just witnessed?

Snapshot: Lionel Messi Has AK-47 Poked In Face At Saudi Airport, Looks Suitably Petrified

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By Chris Wright

With Argentina in town for a friendly against Saudi Arabia tonight, Lionel Messi was rushed throughRiyadh's King Khaled International Airport by armed guards toting Kalashnikovs,which, quite understandably, appeared to put the willies up poor little Leo.

Competition: WIN! Luxurious Savile Rogue Cashmere Football Scarf In Your Club Colours!

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By Chris Wright

As mean ol' winter rolls in across the land, Pies have once again cosied up to our distinguished pals over at Savile Rogue to give you the chance to win one of their luxurious cashmere football scarves in the club colours of your choosing.

Classically styled as they are, you won't find any naff nylon, logos or slogans anywhere near Savile Rogue's top-tier football scarves.

Mario Balotelli Tastefully ‘Camouflages’ His £160,000 Bentley Continental (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Tired of attracting attention, Man City wallflower Mario Balotelli has paid through the nose for his £160,000 Bentley to be 'camouflaged' in a bid to blend into the background at Carrington a bit more...

Very tasteful.

(Image: Metro)

Which leads us swiftly onto this.

‘You Know What? I’m F**king Edgar Davids!’ – Edgar Drops Casual F-Bomb Live On ‘Goals On Sunday’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Describing the moment of clarity he experienced while sitting on the bench for a Brixton Sunday League side (before joining League Two stragglers Barnet), Edgar Davids dropped a choice F-Bomb all over the 'Goals On Sunday' studio, leaving hosts Chris Kamara and Ben Shepherd to clear up the debris.

Shit Lookalikes: Brendan Rodgers & Mayor ‘Diamond’ Joe Quimby

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to Pies fan Aaron (@gowmana) for this excellent spot. Send us a self-addressed envelope and one hundred points will arrive on your doormat within five working days.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email (waatpies@gmail.com) or Tweet (@waatpies) that sucker on over to us.

Andrey Arshavin Embroiled In ‘Eats At McDonald’s, Uses Discount Meal Deal Vouchers’ Shocker!

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By Chris Wright

"Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Russia? A 'длсфлёцклши0-идйцдйвиоцлхфкоюфгйко9ефщгчc with cheese'!"

Big, big news is breaking this morning that Andrey Arshavin not only frequents the McDonald's branch in Hampstead, but that he also utilises discount vouchers when eating with his family there.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez Turns To Celebrate Goal With Teammates, Suddenly Realises He’s All Alone

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By Chris Wright

Undoubtedly the GIF of the morning; here's Luis Suarez running off to celebrate his late, pushy-pushy equaliser against Chelsea yesterday with his Liverpool teammates, only to turn round and find he's completely on his lonesome...

That split-second of utter panic on his face when he turns round!

Cristiano Ronaldo Suffers Grim Eye Injury vs Levante, Leaks Blood Everywhere, Still Scores (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Cristiano Ronaldo suffered a pretty grim eye injury after getting boshed in the face by Levante defender David Navarro's pointy bits during a rain-sodden game at the Cuitat de Valencia last night, with claret leaking all over his face from the gash though that didn't stop him scoring in the 21st minute, before being subbed off at half-time due to a loss of vision in both eyes.

Over In Brazil: One-Legged Pitch Invader Interrupts Corinthians’ 5-1 Demolition Of Coritiba (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Well, this is definitely a new one on us...

Wonder if it's this guy?

Thanks to Pies fan Jeff Maundy for alerting us to this peach.

Chelsea 1-1 Liverpool – Suarez And Terry Stars Of The Show At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-1 Liverpool Premier League 11th November 2012

Those loveable rogues/poor little victims/racist scum (delete according to your club affiliation) John Terry and Luis Suarez took centre stage at Stamford Bridge on Sunday, with the two controversial stars both getting on the scoresheet in what was a rather poor game overall.

Snapshot: Newly Married Couple Watch Chelsea Vs Liverpool Just Hours After Getting Hitched

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By Alan Duffy

Snapped at Stamford Bridge on Sunday was this rather handsome couple, just hours after they tied the knot in London. And they say romance is dead.

I'm not sure who they support but they look like Chelsea fans to me.

I wonder if they paid for all their guests to go too?

Newcastle 0-1 West Ham – Ex-Magpies Come Home To Roost At St James Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-1 West Ham United Premier League 11th November 2012

It was a day for old-boys at St James' Park, with former Newcastle captain Kevin Nolan netting the winner for Sam Allardyce's West Ham, while Andy Carroll also worked hard up front for the east Londoners

The Magpies produced a rather flat performance and found themselves deservedly behind on 37 minutes after Nolan fired home after a mis-hit Joey O'Brien effort.

Man City 2-1 Tottenham – Supersub Dzeko Does It Again As Citizens Leave It Late At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 2-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 11th November 2012

He may not be too keen on the 'super-sub' label, but Man City sriker Edin Dzeko is certainly making an impact from the bench this season with the Bosnian bruiser firing home late winner for the Citizens in SUnday's early game.

Reading 0-0 Norwich – Royals Still Without A Win After Dull Draw At The Madejski (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 0-0 Norwich City Premier League 10th November 2012

This was never the most attractive of fixtures and, to be fair to both sides, they gave the watching crowd at the Madejski Stadium just what they expected.

While the Royals chased their first win of the campaign, they were met by a Norwich City side organised in defence, with opportunities to score for either side few and far between.

Southampton 1-1 Swansea – Ex-Saint Dyer On Target For Swans At St Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-1 Swansea City Premier League 10th November 2012

Squandering leads has been a key feature of Southampton's disappointing first season back in the big time and once again, at home to Swansea on Saturday, the Saints failed to hold on to a lead.

Stoke 1-0 QPR – Hoops’ Nightmare Continues As Adam Fires Potters To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 10th November 2012

Queens Park Rangers continued their disastrous start to the season with yet another defeat, this time coming at the Britannia Stadium.

Despite seeing a lot of the ball, the Hoops failed to create enough clear-cut chances with Adel Taarabt coming closest to finding the net for Mark Hughes' men.

Wigan 1-2 West Brom – Baggies Stay Fifth After Impressive Win At The DW (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 1-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 10th November 2012

Steve Clarke's impressive Baggies secured their first away win of the campaign courtesy of a battling performance at the DW.

The home side had started the brighter, but found themselves two goals down by half-time.

Lookin’ Good Sweetheart: Journalist Ollie Holt Appears On Sunday Supplement Wearing Rather Fetching Alice Band

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By Chris Wright

Here's the Daily Mirror's chief sports writer Ollie Holt, as he appeared on this morning's Sunday Supplement...

It's got to be for a bet, right? Either that or poor old Ollie's going through one king-hell of a midlife crisis!

(Image via @TheArsenal)

Horror Hair: Fulham’s Ashkan Dejagah Clings To Featherlight Coverage, Hangs On For Dear Life

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By Chris Wright

Ashkan Dejagah's himself has been going under the radar of late (in fact, we'd clean forgotten he'd even signed for Fulham), so his horror hair has been even harder to track down and isolate, but we did it! By Jove, we did it!

Would you just look at it?

Lokeren Score Wonderful Team Goal With ‘Floor’s Hot Lava’ Approach Play, Ball Doesn’t Touch The Ground! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lokeren beat Standard Liege 2-1 over in the Belgian Jupiler League on Friday night, with the second goal being a thing of exquisite beauty.

The volleyed finish from 20-year-old South African midfielderAyanda Patosi was a bit of a pearler in it's own right, but the 'floor's hot lava' volleyed one-two approach play elevates it to a whole 'nother level y'all.

Six Millwall Fans Arrested For Proudly Unfurling ‘Marvin Sordell (Racist Abuse Victim) Is A C**t’ Banner

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By Chris Wright

The Metropolitan Police arrested six Millwall fans during yesterday's Championship match with Derby County at the New Den after an obscene banner was unfurled in the stands proclaiming Bolton striker Marvin Sordell to be a 'c**t' for reporting the racial abuse he suffered when the two sides met at the ground back in October.

Aston Villa 2-3 Man Utd – Chicharito The Hero As Red Devils Down Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 2-3 Manchester United Premier League 10th November 2012

Despite scoring a brace against the might of Manchester United, young Austrian striker Andreas Weimann still found himself on the losing side after the Red Devils pulled off yet another great escape in this season's Premier League.

Everton 2-1 Sunderland – Fellaini On Fire As Toffees Fight Back To Tame Black Cats (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Sunderland Premier League 10th November 2012

The afro-tastic Marouane Fellaini was once again the star man for Everton, after the Belgian midfielder inspired the Toffees to a comeback win against Sunderland.

The Black Cats had taken the lead on half-time, courtesy of ex-Citizen Adam Johnson with his first goal for his new side.

Arsenal 3-3 Fulham – Berbatov Shines As Fragile Gunners Flop Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-3 Fulham Premier League 10th November 2012

Arsene Wenger's struggling Gunners threw away their second two-goal lead in less than a week, as a vibrant Fulham side, inspired by the superb Dimitar Berbatov, secured a well-deserved draw at the Emirates.

New Spain Confederations Cup 2013 Kit Flicks Big Gold V’s At Adidas Event (Leaked Photo)

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By Chris Wright

A photo of Spain's new Adidas home strip for 2013 has been leaked and Todo Sobre Camisetas have mopped it up like thirsty puppies...

As far as we can make out, Spain will wear the strip at the Confederations Cup in Brazil in June, 2013, with the only noticeable differences between this 'special' design and La Roja's current kit being dark cuffs and that slightly awkward-looking 'V' across the chest.

Both Teams And Large Sections Of Crowd Attack Referee As Anarchy Breaks Out In Tajikistan Premier League Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Horrendous scenes from theTajikistan Premier League game betweenIstaravshan FK and Energetik Dushanbe, where a group of Energetik players swarm around the referee,incensedby a decision to award the home side a dubious goal.

The referee then sent off two of the most boisterous Energetik players, a decision which quickly saw him on the shitty end of a vicious beating, with players from both sides clustering around the isolated official to give the poor sod a thrashing, before a fairly large majority of the crowd tear-arsed onto the pitch and followed suit kicking lumps out of each other until the game was abandoned.

Sergio Aguero Joins Del Potro On Court For Tennis Knockabout Before ATP World Tour Match (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

TheATP World Tour Finals tennis thing is currently rumbling on at London's 02 Arena and, while usually we wouldn't bat an eyelid, it would appear that Sergio Aguero has gone and made it noteworthy as far as Pies are concerned (not very).

For you see, Man City's Argentinian forward was hauled out of the front row by his fellow countryman Juan Martin Del Potro before his match against Serbian Janko Tipsarevic for an impromtu knockabout to help limber up, with Aguero dressed like he was on the way to a Sixth Form Dinner & Dance batting a few rallies back and forth with him before quickly adopting a more football-esque style return.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #10

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By Chris Wright

The Friday Flashback X: Godzilla's Revenge...

Gerry Francis, ladies and gentlemen...

One for the Newcastle fans...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8
Friday Flashback Volume #9

Top 10 Photos: Europa League, 8 Nov 2012 – Super Cavani, Grassy Divots & Turkish Portals To Hell

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten best photos from last night's various Europa League to-doings. Apologies for the gallery format, we didn't have a choice with these I'm afraid (click for mahoosive full-size images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Edinson Cavani takes flight after scoring all fours goals in Napoli's 4-2 victory over FC Dnipro (AP Photo/Salvatore Laporta)

Introducing: Shockingly Brutal Icelandic Junior Football League Where All Fouls Are Legal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In scenes reminiscent of the old 'fouling football' games you used to play on the park (no? just us?) here's some brutal footage from a new-ish indoor tournament played in Iceland which sees young lads compete in a hybrid football/Rollerball/pub carpark brawl sport.

Metalist’s Taison Scores Epic ‘Van Basten’ Volley From Acute Angle vs Rosenborg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Metalist's Brazilian winger Taison (who is named after Mike Tyson) scores an absolutely epic volley from an acute angle, back across the goal and into the far corner with definite shades of Marco van Basten's famous first-time pearler against the USSR at Euro '88.

Football GIF: Andres Villas-Boas Enjoys Solo Celebration, Does Not Want To Be Touched!

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By Chris Wright

In the aftermath of Jermaine Defoe's third goal of the evening to put Tottenham 3-1 up against Maribor last night, Andres Villas-Boas got a little bit precious during his celebrations and shoved his assistant Luis Martins clean out of the spotlight when he tried to join his boss in a little post-goal camaraderie.

Snapshot: Fabrice Muamba Returns To White Hart Lane, Things Get Emotional

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By Chris Wright

Fabrice Muamba returned to White Hart Lane for the first time since he collapsed playing for Bolton back in March and had a wander around the pitch at half-time against Maribor, receiving a rousing standing ovation from the Tottenham fans in return.

It was a genuinely heart-warming scene.

Former Everton Striker Michael Branch Jailed For Seven Years For Selling Drugs

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By Chris Wright

Yes, he made a 'G' today, but sadly he made it in a sleazy way

Former Everton, Man City and Wolves striker Michael Branch, now 34, has today been jailed for seven years after being found guilty on two charges of selling cocaine at Chester Crown Court.

Snapshot: Jan Vertonghen Flavoured Full-Kit Wanker Spotted At Supermarket

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By Chris Wright

Going out to fetch some Viennetta from Tesco? Best dress for the occasion...

Via the truly wonderful/bloody worrying Full Kit Wankers. Follow them on Twitter @WankersFullKitand prepare to be amazed!

Around The Grounds: Estadio Municipal, Braga

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By Chris Wright

After one again being struck by it's idiosyncratic majesty in the Champions League last night (despite the torrential downpour), we thought we'd have a little look around quirky Braga's quarry-dwelling home ground: the 30,286-seater Estádio Municipal de Braga, built in 2003 as one of ten new grounds built in Portugal and Spain for use at UEFA 2004.

England Squad For Sweden Friendly Announced: Jack Wilshere, Raheem Sterling & Leon Osman All Called Up

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By Chris Wright

The England squad for next Wednesday's friendly against Sweden in Stockholm, with a few noteworthy call-ups to take heed of; namely for Jack Wilshere, Raheem Sterling and Everton's in-form midfielder livewire Leon Osman, who gets his first tip for the national side aged 31.

Arsenal Jilt Junior Gunners, Send Out £20 Membership Packs With Robin Van Persie & Alex Song On Cover

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By Chris Wright

With many fans still nursing the wound inflicted when Robin van Persie left for Old Trafford, Arsenal have gone and tipped a cellar-full of coarse sea salt in and ground it into the open sore with wire woolby sending out fan packs to members of their 'Junior Gunners' young supporters club with the Dutchman's image emblazoned across the cover!

Royal Engineers Triumph Over Wanderers In 1872 FA Cup Final Rematch At The Oval (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Careful lads, that thing's 140-years-old!

Having lost it 1-0 the first time around 140 years ago, Royal Engineers overcame Wanderers by two goals to one in a re-staging of the 1872 FA Cup Final as part of the FA's 150th anniversary festivities.

Caption This: Cristiano Ronaldo & Pepe Enter Studio, Record Duet Together…

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By Chris Wright

Pies say: "Here's a little song, originally recorded by a good friend of ours. You may know it. It's called 'Por Que?'"

You say?

* * * * *

We got more photos of the more lifestyle-ier bits and bobs from Ron's new Nike lifestyle range if you're feeling frisky.

Champions League: Celtic 2-1 Barcelona – Bhoys Become Men In Shock Win Over Barca (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 2-1 Barcelona Champions League 7th November 2012

"I blacked out for a second there, what the hell just happened?"

They came mighty close to pulling off a shock result against Barcelona in the Nou Camp last month, but on Wednesday night at a truly rocking Parkhead, Celtic did it for real, defeating the all-conquering Catalans in a glorious 2-1 victory their first defeat of the season.

Champions League: Braga 1-3 Man Utd – Reliant Robin Turns Tide With Late, Late Show (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sporting Braga 1-3 Manchester United Champions League 7th November 2012

He may have, yet again, scored a vital goal for his club, but if I see another 'Reliant Robin' headline about RVP I'll do something bad, like shake my in head in disgust, or tut loudly or something.

Champions League: Chelsea 3-2 Shakhtar – Moses Leads Blues Out Of Trouble At Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-2 Shakhtar Donetsk Champions League 7th November 2012

A late goal from sub Victor Moses gave Chelsea a massively important yet hardly deserved 3-2 win against a superb Shakhtar Donetsk side at Stamford Bridge.

The Ukrainians were the better side for much of this Group E clash, but some dodgy distribution from 'keeperAndriy Pyatov gifted the home side two goals, for Fernando Torres on six minutes and for Oscar on 40.

Football GIF: Rod Stewart Crying Tears Of Joy After Celtic Heroics vs Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Looks like Celtic's Champions League heroics against Barcelona got to poor old Rod...

(GIF: 101GG)

Possibly Intoxicated Russian Fan Roars Team On With Seductive Shirtless Dance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll freely admit that the details are a little sketchy here, but this bloke was spotted in the terraces watching a recent fixture (we assume in the Russian Premier League?) roaring his side on with a shirtless dance routine which featured some lovely choreographed thumb work, rhythmic whistling, a flurry of seductive pelvic thrusts and some textbook armpit inspection.

April 25 Sports Club 2-1 Sonbong: Match Report From Glorious North Korean Cup Final (With Glorious Highlights)

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ByHwang Chan Ji

DPRK state media would like to acknowledge that the greatest auspicious congratulations are due to April 25 Sports Club, who triumphed in a honourable, respectful manner over Sonbong to win 2-1 the final of the12th North Korean People's Sports Contest in our glorious city of Pyongyang final resting place of the dear Eternal Leader.

Spot The Baller: 7 Nov, 2012 – Whoopi Goldberg

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By Chris Wright

As of now, Spot the Baller will be a regular Wednesday feature on Pies (they'll be a little tougher/more obscure this time round) so, to kick off this brave new dawn; pray tell, who be the Chelsea man charging through the Blackburn defence while being obscured by a giant Whoopi?

Top 10 Insane Football Club Chairman, Owners & Presidents

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By Chris Wright

With an incredibly tenuous doff of the cap to Mr Obama nailing himself a second term last night, here's Pies' timely run-down some of the most clinically off-kilter chairman, owners, executives and presidents in football...

10. Ken Richardson, Doncaster Rovers: The year was 1995 and Doncaster's 'saviour' Richardson hired two local criminals, one a former SAS operative, to burn down Rovers'Belle Vue stadium for a princely £10,000 after having his plans for a new stadium thrown out by the local council.

Six Days In, Keith Fahey Once Again Leads Pack In Movember ‘Tash Sprouting Stakes (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Say what you like about Keith Fahey but the man can grow facial hair at a fair old rate. One week into Movember and Birmingham midfielder Fahey's charity lip tickler already looks like this...

Dense, rich and delicious.

Given that the Movember rules state each participant must start clean-shaven on 1st November, we cancategoricallyconfirm that we're looking at a six-day growth here.

Mesut Ozil Slinks Exquisite 90th-Minute Freekick Equaliser In Off Post vs Dortmund (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Real Madrid 2-1 down at home and the clock ticking over into injury time, Mesut Ozil popped in an absolutely exquisite precision freekick in off the foot of the post to square things up at the Bernabeu last night...

Oh, you absolute beauty! Freekicks don't come much more 'on a pinhead' than that.

Dynamo Kiev Fan Runs Onto Pitch In Stoppage Time, Breaks Up Porto Attack With Belly Slide (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the score at 0-0, injury time slowly wicking away and Porto pressing for a breakthrough goal, a kindly Dynamo Kiev fan gave his side a huge assist by breaking out onto the pitch and relieving the pressure, stubbing out the Porto attack with a superbly-timed stumbling belly slide.

Champions League: Man City 2-2 Ajax – Citizens Struggle At The Etihad As Last 16 Hopes Fade (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 2-2 Ajax Champions League 6th November 2012

Manchester City's hopes of making the knockout stages of this season's Champions League were left hanging by a particularly weak thread after the Citizens could only draw with Ajax at the Etihad.

Champions League: Schalke 2-2 Arsenal – Gunners Squander Two-Goal Advantage In Germany (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Schalke 2-2 Arsenal Champions League 6th November 2012

Arsenal squandered a two-goal lead in Germany on Tuesday night, and ultimately had to settle for a draw with Schalke.

Theo Walcott, who had recovered from a suspected bout of contractivitus, returned to full health to put the Gunners ahead before Olivier Giroud doubled their advantage before the half-hour mark.

Snapshot: Official ‘Football Cliches’ Pitch, As Mapped Out By Cliché Experts…

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By Chris Wright

Here we have the definitive 'football clichés' pitch, with the boundaries of each hackneyed old clichéd territory clearly defined and accurately mapped out by an expert in the field namely, the majestic@FootballClicheschaps and drafted up by the skilled hand of @Steve_Sub.

Cristiano Ronaldo Launches New Nike Collection, Including Jazzy New Mercurial CR Boots (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Cristiano Ronaldo's only gone and got himself a Nike special edition apparel line, featuring a range of various football kit and these rather splendid new Mercurials Mercurial Vapor VIII CRs to be precise complete with Ron's new little loveheart logo on the heel.

Tricky Dicky Finnish ‘Keeper Lassi Hurskainen Returns With Fifth Trickshot Showreel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Everybody's favourite hi-jinking freestyle Finnish goalkeeper, Lassi Hurskainen, is back and this time he's giving a little insight into the customs and quirks of the Finns, all the while pulling off some of the most brain-bog...

This way for episodes I, II: The Difficult Second Video, III: Angry Birds and IV: Lassi Saves Christmas.

10 Iconic Poses Sir Alex Ferguson’s Old Trafford Statue Should Be Modeled On

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By Chris Wright

Sir Alex Ferguson been in charge of Manchester United for 26 years today and, to coincide with the momentous achievement, United themselves have announced that Fergie is to be honoured with a long-overdue statue outside the Sir Alex Ferguson stand at Old Trafford which is to be revealed later this month.

10 Iconic Poses Sir Alex Ferguson’s Old Trafford Statue Should Be Modeled On

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By Chris Wright

Sir Alex Ferguson been in charge of Manchester United for 26 years today and, to coincide with the momentous achievement, United themselves have announced that Fergie is to be honoured with a long-overdue statue outside the Sir Alex Ferguson stand at Old Trafford which is to be revealed later this month.

US Women’s College Player Carded For Hurling Throw-In Straight Into Opponent’s Face Twice In A Row (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're still not sure if this is the worst back-to-back sequence of throw-ins we've ever seen or the best, but during thewomen's college play-off between Amherst and Colby, one of the Amherst players was shown a yellow card for a devastating, double-barrel precision assault on her opponent's face from the other side of the touchline.

Football GIF: The Undoubted Highlight From This Weekend’s Estonian Premier League Action…

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: the highlight from this last weekend'sMeistriliiga action...

They obviously train their ballboys well in Estonia. Total dedication to the cause.

‘I’d Vote Myself For The Ballon d’Or, To Be Humble Is Not Good’ – Guess Who?

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By Chris Wright

Let's start the morning with a little fun, shall we? There's a bag of fresh satsumas in it for the first person to correctly identify just who is responsible for this batch of quotes, in which Player X displays a keen disregard for basic humility and admits that he'd definitely vote for himself to win the Ballon d'Or if the jobsworth pinkertons over at FIFA City Hall would let him:

"If I could I would for myself to win the Ballon d'Or.

West Brom 2-0 Southampton – Odemwingie Bags A Brace As Baggies Go Fifth (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 2-0 Southampton Premier League 5th November 2012

High-flying West Brom got back to winning ways courtesy of a Peter Odemwingie-inspired victory over strugglers Southampton.

The Nigerian striker netted a goal in both halves to give Steve Clarke's side a deserved win against a Southampton side who remain bottom of the table.

Snapshot: Just Marco Materazzi Sitting On The Zidane Headbutt Statue…

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By Chris Wright

When in Paris, do as The Matrix does...

Via @iomatrix23

Football GIF: Harrowing Pro Evo Glitch Sees Taye Taiwo Transmogrify Into Hellish Nightmare Beast

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By Chris Wright

It's okay, I wasn't planning on sleeping tonight anyway...

Harrowing GIF via Pies fan @LukeDearden.

Three-Day-Old Thiago Messi Already Signed On As Member Of Newell’s Old Boys

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By Chris Wright

This banner was unfurled duringNewell's Old Boys' game against Godoy Cruz on Sunday intimating that, after just three days on this planet, Lionel Messi's newborn sprog Thiago has already been registered as a member of the clubs' supporters group, thus becoming member/socio no.

Football Tat: The Official Anfield Stadium Shirt – Perfect Gift For The Liverpool Fan You Secretly Hate!

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By Chris Wright

In our continuing efforts to bring you the very worst of the low-rent tat that your beloved football club will happily flog you, here's a cracking find from our American brethren over at Dirty Tackle, who have had the misfortune to stumble upon and then make eye contact with the official Liverpool Football Club 'Anfield Stadium Shirt'.

Roma’s Mattia Destro Sent Off For NOT Removing Shirt After Goal Against Palermo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Roma striker Mattia Destro, after scoring his first goal for the club in the Giallorossi's 4-1 demolition of Palermo yesterday having only been on the pitch for six minutes, falls foul of the most crass law in all of footballdom and is shown a second yellow card for *not actually* removing his shirt in celebration.

Football GIF: Jose Bosingwa Bamboozles Jay Tabb With Dazzling Hotstep Footwork

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By Chris Wright

They don't teach you this at football school...

Like some kind of beautifully ornate mating ritual.

(GIF: Cadfael)

Wet Much? Liverpool Fans Soaked By Errant Anfield Sprinkler (Photos & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Yes, Suarez's goal was a thing of beauty, but the undoubted highlight of last night's 1-1 draw between Liverpool and Newcastle was an entire section of the Anfield crowd getting soaked to the bone when one of the sprinklers on the touchline went off accidentally at half-time, sending a stream of water into the terraces.

QPR 1-1 Reading – Top Tier Strugglers Still Searching For Win After Loftus Road Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Reading Premier League 4th November 2012

Mark Hughes and Brian McDermott were both left (still) looking for their first league wins of the season after QPR and Reading played out a rather mediocre draw at Loftus Road on Sunday.

Liverpool 1-1 Newcastle – Suarez Strikes Again But Reds Fail To Beat 10-Man Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 Newcastle United Premier League 4th November 2012

The ubiquitous Luis Suarez was the star of the show for Liverpool once again on Sunday, with the Uruguayan firing home a superb equaliser on 67 minutes to give the Reds a share of the points against Newcastle.

Norwich 1-0 Stoke – Resurgent Canaries Fly Past Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 3rd November 2012

Bradley Johnson was the goal hero at Carrow Road on Saturday, heading home just before the break to secure Norwich's second win in three games.

Not surprisingly, it was hardly the most flowing of encounters, particularly in the first half.

Arsenal Fans, Vent Your Spleen About The ‘Andre Santos/Robin Van Persie Half-Time Shirt Swap’ Fiasco

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By Chris Wright

"What's your secret? Fabric softener?"

Should you have slept on it and still woken this morning frothing at the mouth and with half your pillow ingested in the night over Arsenal's Brazilian numpty, Andre Santos and his ill-advised half-time shirt swap with Robin van Persie at Old Trafford yesterday, now's your chance to vent your spleen about the whole fiasco.

Zlatan Sees Red For Dangerously High Taekwondo Power Kick On St Etienne Keeper (GIF & Video)

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By Chris Wright

PSG lost 2-0 at St Etienne in Ligue 1 yesterday, with Zlatan also seeing a straight red card for a leaping taekwondo power kick, stamping down from very nearly neck height and square into keeperStephane Ruffier's lung region...

Once more, in never-ending GIF form.

Bayern Munich’s Thomas Muller Tucks One Away From Narrowest Of Angles vs Hamburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland 0-1 Aston Villa – Black Cats Flop Again As Villans Win Away (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-1 Aston Villa Premier League 3rd November 2012

After a positive start to his stewardship of the Sunderland, Martin O'Neill has seen his side slide into mediocrity, culminating with an extremely disappointing home defeat to Aston Villa.

Fulham 2-2 Everton – Sidwell Secures Lucky Draw Against Wasteful Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 2-2 Everton Premier League 3rd November 2012

Everton really should have won this game at Craven Cottage by a country mile, having created a whole load of great chances. However, sheer wastefulness in front of goal would ultimately scupper the Toffees' chances of taking home all three points.

West Ham 0-0 Man City – Stalemate At The Boleyn As Citizens Struggle Against Hammers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 0-0 Manchester City Premier League 3rd November 2012

In failing to find the back of the net for the first time since April, Man City could only manage a draw against West Ham on Saturday.

In the first half, the Hammers were the better side, with Sam Allardyce's men playing some decent football while Andy Carroll was his usual imposing self.

Tottenham 0-1 Wigan – Lilywhites Lose Again At The Lane As Latics Impress On The Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 0-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 3rd November 2012

Wigan secured a superb away win against Spurs on Saturday after outplaying the home side for large periods of the game.

While Tottenham, courtesy of a below-par performance, were heading for their second straight home defeat, the Latics were full of invention, with Shaun Maloney and Arouna Kone superb up front,although they didn't make the breakthrough until the 56th minute.

Swansea 1-1 Chelsea – Pablo Pounces To Burst Blues’ Bubble (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-1 Chelsea Premier League 3rd November 2012

A last-gasp equaliser from Spaniard Pablo Hernandez scuppered Chelsea's hopes of returning to the top spot in the Premier League, after the Blues almost managed to protect their one-goal lead at the Liberty Stadium.

Man Utd 2-1 Arsenal – RVP On Target As Red Devils Stroll To Victory Against Limp Gunners (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal Premier League 3rd November 2012

By my maths, Arsenal's 2-1 defeat to United in the early game on Saturday means that this current Gunners side is four times better than last season's, which lost 8-2 in the same fixture.

Lionel Messi Welcomes First Son, Little Thiago Into World – Already Has Barcelona Shirt With His Name On (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi and his girlfriendAntonella Rocuzzo welcomed a little baby son into the world on Friday night, and they called him Thiago after Leo's heroes: Mr T and the parrot from Aladdin.

Here's 'the happiest man in the world' arm-in-arm with the doctor who delivered young Thiago into the world, a man who looks suspiciously like Iker Casillas.

Professional David Beckham Impersonator Prepares For Real FA Cup First Round Appearance

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By Alan Duffy

David Beckham... or is it Jamie Gleeson? Or is it someone who looks feck all like David Beckham?

Ah, the magic of the cup and all that blather. The first round of the competition usually throws up a whole load of heart-warming stories of heroic one-eyed fireman or goalkeeping vicars lining out for their local non-league club.

#SOSOviedo – Real Oviedo Teeter On Precipice Of Extinction, Offer €10 Shares To Football Fans To Help Save Club

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By Chris Wright

Oviedo's home patch: theEstadio Carlos Tartiere

In their own words, Real Oviedo are going through 'their worst time in their 86-year history', with the Spanish club now almost penniless and teetering on the precipice of being liquidised.

Like many clubs the world over, Oviedo are struggling to make ends meet and are attempting to raise cash in alternative ways after being left stranded at the bottom of the Spanish footballing pyramid following years of internal turmoil and a king-size financial implosion that saw ejected from La Liga.

Lionel Messi Welcomes First Son, Little Thiago Into World – Already Has Barcelona Shirt With His Name On (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi and his girlfriendAntonella Rocuzzo welcomed a little baby son into the world on Friday night, and they called him Thiago...

How does it feel to know that the sprog you see there, less than a day old, is already a better footballer than you'll ever be?

David Beckham Impersonator Prepares For Real FA Cup First Round Appearance

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By Alan Duffy

David Beckham... or is it Jamie Gleeson? Or is it someone who looks feck all like David Beckham?

Ah, the magic of the cup and all that blather. The first round of the competition usually throws up a whole load of heart-warming stories of heroic one-eyed fireman or goalkeeping vicars lining out for their local non-league club.

Dutch FA Release Quirky Anti-Homophobia Viral, Take ‘Coming Out Of The Closet’ Extremely Literally (Video)

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By Chris Wright

From the KNVB to your laps, here's the Dutch FA's charming, quirky and non-too-subtle anti-homophobia viral released but a few days ago in a bit to help combat an ever-present issue in the footballing community...

Yes, it's a little on the blunt side (especially the tag line), but we're guessing that's by design rather than due to any lack of tact on the KNVB's behalf.

Snapshot: David Beckham Clouts Jay DeMerit In Face, Jay DeMerit’s Face Surrenders…

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By Chris Wright

Nothing fancy about this one from Galaxy's 2-1 MLS play-off win over the Vancouver Whitecaps last night, just a boat-load of Ouchie...

That face again...

(Photo:Jae C. Hong/AP/PA)

The Very Best Of Mick McCarthy’s Press Conferences (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While we've already featured our very own Mick McCarthy Greatest Hits compilation here on Pies in the recent past, we just stumbled across this highlight reel while heading down a textbook Youtube cul-de-sac and thought it was too good not to share.

Fernando Llorente & Riccardo Montolivo Model Their Brand New, Personalised miAdidas Predators (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Riccardo quickly deletes his browsing history before the photoshoot

Adidas are rolling out their new 'do-it-yourself' boot lines with what they call an 'on-pitch reveal' this weekend, meaning that their phalanx of card-carrying players will be taking to the field in their respective matches all with their tootsies adorned in bespoke boots they've helped design and customise personally using the miadidasfeature over at their online store.

Shit Lookalikes: Joe Allen & Billy Elliot

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By Chris Wright

Allen is Liverpool's midfield pass aggregator.

Elliot was the young rebel dancer who captured the hearts of a nation and now lives in Witness Protection under the alias Jamie Bell.

Cracking spot from Pies fan Lee Hickson.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #9

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback IX: The Man With the Golden Gun...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

Friday Flashback Volume #8

We strongly urge you to visit our Gallic pals atOld School Panini and/or follow them on Twitter @OldSchoolPanini.

Snapshot: Mick McCarthy’s Back, Y’ Big Tart!

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By Chris Wright

Rock-bottom of the Championship, Ipswich have gone and hired themselves a hero...

Tractor Boys don't come much more Tractor-y.

(Photo:Gareth Fuller/PA Wire/PA)

Ebbsfleet Striker Phil Walsh Hopeful Of Tempting Dr Frasier Crane To FA Cup First-Round Tie Against Carlisle

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By Chris Wright

"Now baby I hear the blues are calling scalding bovril and lukewarm pies..."

Ebbsfleet United of the Conference are hoping to pull a bit of a celebrity coup this weekend in attracting a veritable star of screen and stage to their FA Cup first-round fixture against Carlisle.

Michael Ballack Attempts To Wriggle Out Of £8,000 Speeding Fine With Lamest Excuse Ever: He’s Too Poor To Pay It

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By Chris Wright

Look kids, it's Michael 'all my money goes on carbon-fibre face masks' Ballack!

After being clocked hurtling down a motorway in his car doing211 kilometres per hour (131 mph) in a 120 km/h (75 mph) zone near the Spanish town of Trujillo a week or so ago, Michael Ballack is now attempting to wriggle out of an £8,000 fine on the basis that he is unemployed and therefore cannot afford to pay up.

Shit Football Kits: Japan Opt For ‘Nursing Home Bedspread’ Look For Keeper Kit, 1993/94

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By Chris Wright

Would you just hark at this abstract monstrosity?

Crivens! It looks like it's been stitched together from the bedspreads at an old people's nursing home/abandoned Day Hospital from the late 1980s. Yeesh.

Admittedly, we don't know an awful lot about this kit, but we will share what we do know.

Santi Cazorla And Mikel Arteta Enjoy Spot Of Afternoon Tea, Chat About Curtains, Life And Everything Between (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This little dinner date between Santi Cazorla and Mikel Arteta dates back a few weeks now, but the ravages of time has not yet withered its charm.

What you're about to see is Arsenal's Spanish midfield pair meet for a natter over spot of English afternoon tea, with conversation soon getting round to Santi's curtains (or lack thereof), his grasp of the English language (which pretty much extends to the word 'yes') and the fact that he's been eating Mikel out of house and home since he arrived in London.

Snapshot: David Beckham, Russell Brand & ‘Unidentified Fan’ Take In Lakers Game…

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By Chris Wright

Hilarious, just hilarious: David Beckham, Russell Brand and some unidentified boyhood Lakers fan...

Robbie Keane is truly living the American dream.

(Image: Reuters/Dirty Tackle)

‘Chelsea, Standing Up To Racism Since Sunday’ – Man Utd Fans Nail It With Couple Of Choice Banners (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted at Stamford Bridge last night, it seems like several Manchester United fans got creative with their Crayolas...

United fans also pledged their support for referee Mark Clattenburg, who is currently the subject of an FA and police investigation after Chelsea accused him of using racial slurs against John Obi Mikel after losing to United in the league on Sunday.

Capital One Cup: Swindon Boss Paolo Di Canio Mocks Aston Villa With ‘You’re Going Down’ Gesture (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After seeing his side get pipped 3-2 by a sketchy Aston Villa side in the Capital One Cup on Tuesday night, Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio took to the pitch to show the home fans exactly what he though of the two teams on show pointing to the Swindon end and giving the 'thumbs up' signal then pointing down to the Villa end and giving it the old Emperor Commodus schtick.

Snapshot: Cretinous Chelsea Fan Caught Making ‘Monkey’ Gesture At Danny Welbeck

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By Chris Wright

What a great, simple, immediate way to show the rest of the world just how much of a brain-dead moron you are.

(Photo: Mail)