Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

Norwegian FA Propose ‘Extra Player’ Rule To Even Up One-Sided Thrashings, Henning Berg Is On Board!

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By Chris Wright

"Actually guys, this sounds a bit stupid"

The laws of the game are ever evolving, hence the fact that absolutely no-one knows what the soddin' offside law actually is anymore, but the Norwegian FA in their role as football's global envelope pushers are keen to introduce a radical new rule at youth level to help even out heavily one-sided tonkings in the interest of fairness.

Juventus Unleash Frightful Halloween Mock-Ups: Pirlo As Joker, Pogba As Darth Maul, Bendtner As Frankenstein, Etc (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As far as we know it all started last year, but Juve's Halloween mock-ups of their players was so popular that they've decided to cook up a fresh batch ahead of All Hallow's Eve 2013 with, among other, Andrea Pirlo re-imagined as The Joker, Gigi Buffon as Freddy Krueger, Paul Pogba as Darth Maul and Nicklas Bendtner (rather fittingly) as a senseless, borderline-immobile lump of grey flesh.

Capital One Cup: Reading FIVE-SEVEN Arsenal – Gunners Stage Uber-Comeback In 12 Goal Madness At The Madejski (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 5-7 Arsenal Capital One Cup 30th October 2012

That there is pretty much one of the most bizarre games of football you are ever likely to see, a game which echoes the words of the great poet Ronan Keating, who sung Life Is A Rollercoaster.

What Is The Worst Football Match You’ve Ever Been To?

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By Chris Wright

From Hell's heart I stab at thee Gerald!

Inspired by East Lower's gloriously distracted 'highlights' of Arsenal's dismal showing against Schalke last week, we at Pies kind of got to thinking about all the times we'd beenstupefiedinto mulling over the inherent beauty of the moon/cranes, etc, by a football match and what, if it could be pinpointed, is the worst professional football match we've ever endured live.

Tiziano Crudeli Has Apoplexy Over El Shaarawy Goal, Styles His Hair Accordingly! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Diretta Studio's (the Italian version of Soccer Saturday) resident in-house town crier Tiziano Crudeli going into his standardapoplectic meltdown over a Milan goal against Genoa though, seeing as it was scored by the elaborately-coiffured Stephan El Shaarawy, old Tizzy makes a subtle alteration to his standard 'teary-eyed bellow' schtick.

Venezuelan Club Have Match Abandoned After Angry Fans Storm Pitch Over Pink ‘Breast Cancer Awareness’ Kit

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By Chris Wright

The Venezuelan Premier League match betweenDeportivo Tachira and Atletico Venezuela had to be abandoned after a mob of angry Depor fans stormed the pitch in protest at their club's conduct.

We're not talking shady transfer dealings or soaring ticket prices, etc, here oh no.

Unpleasant Footage Emerges Of Injured Steward Being Shoved Backwards Over Hoarding By Chelsea Fans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard, one of the stewards at Stamford Bridge had to be taken to hospital after suffering an injury, believed to be a twisted knee, in the aftermath of Javier Hernandez's winning goal on Sunday an incident that was first believed to be tied in with the objects visibly being pelted at the Mexican striker as he celebrated in the corner of the pitch.

‘It Was A Stupid Thing To Do’ – Phil Neville Apologises For Naff Dive Against Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

"You've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all you've let yourself down"

Everton captain Phil Neville has publicly apologised for his spectacularly naff dive during the Merseyside derby on Sunday, admitting that David Moyes gave him a thoroughly-deserved 'rollicking' for it at half-time.

FIFA Announce 23-Man Ballon d’Or Shortlist: Surprise/Ridiculous Nods For Balotelli, Pique

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By Chris Wright

FIFA have taken it upon themselves to announce their 23-man long shortlist/short longlist of nominations for this year's Ballon d'Or prize.

Here it be (in alphabetical order) as put out by award originators and overseers France Football...

Sergio Aguero (Argentina, Man City)
Mario Balotelli (Italy, Man City)
Karim Benzema (France, Real Madrid)
Gianluigi Buffon (Italy, Juventus)
Sergio Busquets (Spain, Barcelona)
Iker Casillas (Spain, Real Madrid)
Didier Drogba (Ivory Coast, Chelsea/Shanghai Shenhua)
Radamel Falcao (Colombia, Atletico Madrid)
Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden, Milan/PSG)
Andrés Iniesta (Spain, Barcelona)
Lionel Messi (Argentina, Barcelona)
Manuel Neuer (Germany, Bayern Munich)
Neymar (Brazil, Santos)
Mesut Özil (Germany, Real Madrid)
Gerard Pique (Spain, Barcelona)
Andrea Pirlo (Italy, Juventus)
Sergio Ramos (Spain, Real Madrid)
Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal Real Madrid)
Wayne Rooney (England, Man Utd)
Yaya Toure (Ivory Coast, Man City)
Robin van Persie (Holland, Arsenal/Man Utd)
Xabi Alonso (Spain, Real Madrid)
Xavi (Spain, Barcelona)

The long/shortlist will be further whittled down to just three names (the short shortlist) at the tail end of November, with the winner being announced at FIFA's annual jolly in Zurich on January 7th of next year.

Introducing, From Japan, The Super Great Toilet Keeper! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're sure this probably makes sense to somebody out there, but unfortunately it ain't us...

We'd make a Chindogu reference, but we're pretty sure no-one would get it.

Here's the blurb, the last line of which is probably the most salient:

"A custom-built Japanese toilet is capable of blocking shots as fast as 100mph.

Oxford United’s Adam Chapman Plays Through Pain Barrier After Suffering Burnt Nipple Night Before Game

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By Chris Wright

Oxford United manager Chris Wilder has revealed the extent to which his players are willing to commit to the cause, admitting that midfielder Adam Chapman turned out for the U's against Wycombe in League Two on Saturday despite having been hospitalised the night before with a burnt nipple.

River Plate Given Incredible Reception By 50,000-Strong El Monumental Crowd Before Superclasico vs Boca Juniors (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

We think the welcome that the River Plate team received from their 50,000-strong home crowd at the Estadio Monumental before Sunday's 'Superclasico' game against Boca Juniors at the weekend could best be described as 'rapturous' (click through for the full-sized images).

Real Madrid Castilla Youngster Jese Rodriguez Sent-Off, Hocks Big Grotty Snotball At Opponent (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Jese Rodriguez, a 19-year-old striker in Real Madrid's Castilla side, has been forced to apologise for shaming the club after a disgraceful display during a recent game against Sporting Gijon yesterday afternoon.

After going down under minimal duress in a challenge with Gijon's Ivan Hernandez, Jese retaliated petulantly when Gregory Arnolin swatted away his flailing legs by kicking out at theFrench defender and duly being shown a red card by the referee all this in the 17th minute of the match!

Tottenham Fans Squabble Over Brad Friedel’s Shirt – One Offers Money, The Other Walks Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we see two Tottenham fans squabbling over Brad Friedel's shirt after the keeper chucked it into the stand behind his goal following Spurs' 2-1 win over Southampton at St. Mary's yesterday.

The two men refuse to let go, tugging the shirt back and forth before one guy gives up and walks off as the other tries to bung him a fiver for his troubles.

Football GIF: Sandro’s Immense, Iron-Necked Block In Last Minute vs Southampton

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By Chris Wright

BOOM! Headshot...

So that's why he wears thatgum-shield!

(GIF: 101GG)

Chelsea Lodge Formal Complaint Over ‘Inappropriate Language’ Used By Mark Clattenburg – Referee Alleged To Have Racially Insulted Mikel And Mata

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By Chris Wright


Chelsea have lodged a formal complaint with the FA over what they call 'inappropriatelanguage' directed at their players by referee Mark Clattenburg during yesterday evening's incident-packed ripsnorter against Manchester United at Stamford Bridge.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez Trolls David Moyes With Mock Swan Dive Goal Celebration

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By Chris Wright

Speaking to the BBC on Friday, Everton manager David Moyes made the 100%unarguableassertionthat Luis Suarez has a penchant for chucking himself around all game every game and, when the Uruguayan 'opened the scoring' (read: clanged a wayward shot/cross in off Leighton Baines), he duly chose to celebrate with his usual level of class and decorum playing up to Moyes' comments, charging over to the Everton bench and staging a faux swan dive right in front of it.

Chelsea 2-3 Man Utd – Controversy Reigns At The Bridge As Red Devils Down Nine-Man Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-3 Manchester United Premier League 28th October 2012

Bloody hell what a game! This clash of two of the Premier League's really big guns produced a load of goals, cards and talking points as United came out on top, albeit after some dodgy refereeing.

Southampton 1-2 Tottenham – Ex-Saint Bale On Target As Lilywhites Hold On For Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 28th October 2012

A feeble first half performance by Southampton laid the foundations for yet another defeat as they Saints lost to AVB's impressive Spurs side.

Gareth Bale and Clint Dempsey put the visitors two goals up by half-time as the Saints' defensive problems continued to plague the Premier League new-boys.

Newcastle 2-1 West Brom – Lucky Cissé Saves The Day For Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 28th October

Buoyed by their superb start to the new season, Steve Clarke's West Brom travelled to the north-east in search of their first away win of the campaign, but despite a decent display, the Baggies came away from St James' Park with not a sausage.

Everton 2-2 Liverpool – Suarez Takes Centre Stage In Pulsating Mersey Derby (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-2 Liverpool Premier League 28th October 2012

Luis Suarez was once again both the hero and the pantomime villain of an exciting Merseysdie derby at Goodison. From start to finish, the striker was central to the clash, with his shot on 14 minutes, deflecting off Leighton Baines to open the scoring after just 14 minutes.

Wigan 2-1 West Ham – Ramis Wonder-Strike Fires Latics To First Home Win Of The Season (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 2-1 West Ham United Premier League 27th October 2012

Wigan secured their first league win at the DW Stadium on Saturday after getting the better of West Ham.

Ivan Ramis opened the scoring after just eight minutes, courtesy of an outstanding volley, and for the rest of the first half the Latics bossed the game against a below-par Hammers.

Stoke 0-0 Sunderland – Potters And Black Cats Produce The Ultimate In Bore Draws At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-0 Sunderland Premier League 27th October 2012

This clash of the top tier's two draw specialists was destined to end in stalemate and it did just that. As well as being rather crap.

Bereft of any real quality, the game meandered along, with a serious injury to Irish international Marc Wilson holding up play in the second-half.

Boca Unidos Keeper Sent-Off For Lumping Ball Into Ballboy’s Face From Point-Blank Range (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which veteran Boca Unidos 'keeper Gaston Sessa (eventually) sees red for walloping a ball into a ballboy's face from a couple of yards away, after taking umbrage at how long it took the ball to be returned to him for a goal-kick a delay the ballboy in question had absolutely nothing to do with.

Man City 1-0 Swansea – Tevez On Target As Citizens Struggle At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-0 Swansea City Premier League 27th October 2012

In a match timed as the longest -ever in Premier League history after a whopping 12 minutes of injury time (for injuries to Micah Richards and Michel Vorm), Man City struggled to overcome an impressive Swansea side at the Etihad.

Reading 3-3 Fulham – Six Goal Humdinger At The Madejski As Robson Kanu Rescues Royal Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 3-3 Fulham Premier League 27th October 2012

Welsh international Hal Robson-Kanu netted a precious last-gasp equaliser for Reading at the Madejski on Saturday in a superb goal-tastic clash with Fulham which joyfully dinged and donged like all good ding-ding battles should.

Arsenal 1-0 QPR – Arteta Saves The Day At The Emirates For Nervy Gunners (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 27th October 2012

Desperate they may have been to put their bounce back from their defeats to Norwich and Schalke, but Arsenal once again failed to impress against Premier League strugglers QPR at the Emirates.

Aston Villa 1-1 Norwich City – Turner Heads Canaries To Draw As Villans Disappoint Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-1 Norwich City Premier League 27th October 2012

A second-half Michael Turner header gave Norwich a well deserved share of the points at Villa Park in the early game on Saturday. The first-half was rather dismal, with the visitors the better side.

‘I Was In My Pants’ – Neil Warnock Steps Out Of Shower, Set Upon By Furious Chris Kirkland Over ‘Fan Attack’ Comments

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By Chris Wright

"I'm afraid you've gone and caught me in a state of undress"

Skip back to last Friday evening. Leeds vs Sheffield Wednesday. Some gibbon charges onto the pitch and strong-arms Wednesday 'keeper Chris Kirkland in the face, leaving him poleaxed and in need of treatment.

Gabriel, 11-Year-Old Boy Born Without Feet, Meets Barcelona Heroes – Has Kick-About With Lionel Messi (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember Gabriel Muniz? The 11-year-old Brazilian lad born without feet who managed to play his way onto one of Barcelona's regional youth summer training camps in Rio de Janeiro a while ago?

The story goes that young Gabe impressed Barca's scouts so much in Rio that he was invited over tothe club's Joan Gamper training HQ tomeet and kick a ball around with a gaggle of the first-team, including his very bestest hero in the whole wide world, Lionel Messi even Eric Abidal puts in an appearance to meet the little guy (Gabriel that is, not Leo!

Joe Hart Holds On Tight To Original 1863 Hand-Written FA Rule Book – Worth Hefty £1,000,000 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

To mark the FA's 150th birthday they're doing all sorts of bits and bobs, including having England 'keeper Joe Hart pose with the most expensive book he's ever likely to get his paws on the original copy of the FA 'Minute Book', i.e, the original hand-written draft for the laws of association football which was first penned in 1863 and is worth more than £1,000,000.

Hang On, Did David Cameron Pinch His Welfare Speech From ‘Mike Bassett: England Manager’? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As Prime Minister David Cameron wibble-wibbled his way through a speech on welfare at some indistinguishable Tory wibblefest, it became incredibly obvious to a few observers that the rousing finale of Cameron's wibble-wobble appeared to be lifted almost word-for-word from the press conference scene in Mike Bassett: England Manager.

Snapshot: Wonderfully Elaborate Pro-Man Utd Graffiti Found On Fire Exit Door In Leeds…

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By Chris Wright

As spotted by Pies' good bud and F365 scribe Matthew Stanger, here's a wonderfully elaborate piece of pro-Manchester United graffiti drawn in the dust on a vent next to a fire escape in Leeds...

How artisan is that? Such finesse. Such forethought. A cut above your standard 'bunch of c*nts' schlock constantly peddled on pub toilet walls and football blog comment sections.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #8

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By Chris Wright

Friday Flashback VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan...

Cheer up Ruud, might never happen...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

Friday Flashback Volome #6
Friday Flashback Volume #7

(Once again, thanks to Old School Panini for the majority of the images)

St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders Limber Up At Wembley Ahead Of NFL International Series (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With their side in town to play the New England Patriots at Wembley (Bah Gawd, it looks chilly out there!) in one of the NFL's 'International Series' London showcases this Sunday, the St. Louis Rams cheerleaders limbered up under the arch before clambering into their overalls, mixing a batch of cement and laying a commemorative granite flagstone down into Wembley Way click for the full-sizers.

Newcastle 1-0 Bruges – Obertan Strike Moves Magpies Closer To Knockout Stages (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 1-0 Club Bruges Europa League 25th October 2012

French winger Gabriel Obertan's second-half strike was enough to give Newcastle the victory on Thursday night against a decent Club Bruges side.

Both sides impressed at St James' Park, with Papiss Cissé going close on two occasions.

Europa League: Liverpool 1-0 Anzhi – Downing Rocket KO’s Russian Moneybags At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-0 Anzhi Makhachkala Europa League 25th October 2012

That rarest of visitors to our shores, the lesser-spotted Stewart Downing strike, made a timely appearance at Anfield last night, with the England winger producing a super right-footed effort to secure all three points for Liverpool.

Emile Heskey Scores Twice (Including A Scissor-ish Kick) For Newcastle Jets, Live On HESKEYCAM! (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Emile has just scored a brace for the Jets in their against Melbourne Victory! That's three in two games for the Heskalump, and all captured live on the Heskeycam no less...

Turn him upside down and he's a scoring machine!

Puma Produce Limited Edition ‘Ducati’ Evospeed Boots, Just Because They Bloody Well Can! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Nothing fancy, just an opportunity to gawp at some more stuff you'll probably never own: here's Puma's swish new line of evoSPEED boot, produced in cahoots with long-time motorsport partners Ducati...

Only available in a limited run in the UK, USA, Sweden and Denmark and offically called the 'evoSPEED 1 SL Ducati' boot, Puma say on that the tie-in with the motorcycle company provides "Italian sophistication" while offering "superb synergy of speed.

Football GIF: Daniel Agger Attempts Cheeky ‘Gary Crosby’ Schtick vs Anzhi MichaelaStrachan

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By Chris Wright

So, Daniel Agger tried the old 'Gary Crosby' routine against Anzhi Mahavishnuorchestra last night...

We must admit that our primal schoolboy urges came to the fore when refereeBas Nijhuis blew to disallow the 'goal', with fervent cries of 'ONE HAND REF, ONE HAND' emanating from the settee but, of course, the UEFA-sanctioned referee was perfectly correct to do so the law being amended in 1990 after Forest's Crosby pick-pocketed Man City 'keeper Andy Dibble to score the only goal of the game.

Giourkas Seitaridis Delicately Slots Home Exquisite Own-Goal From 25 Yards vs Lazio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Even more breakfast fail (that's two of your five-a-day), this time from last night's Europa League, where Panathinaikos right-back Giourkas Seitaridis notches with an exquisitely consummate own-goal against Lazio, passed delicately into his own net from the far edge of the box.

Europa League: Maribor 1-1 Tottenham – Lilywhites Limp To Disappointing Draw In Slovenia (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

NK Maribor 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur Europa League 25th October 2012

Spurs remain without a win in Group J of the Europa League after playing out a rather unexciting draw with Maribor at theStadion Ljudski,

Robert Beric opened the scoring for the home side with just three minutes of the first half remaining.

Bologna Set-Piece Specialist Alessandro Diamanti Hoofs Shambolic Corner Straight Into Stands (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Let's start the morning with a healthy portion of FAIL (counts as one of your five-a-day) courtesy of former West Ham striker and sea-faring hobo Alessandro Diamanti, who is now in charge of the set-pieces department over at Bologna.

This comes from last weekend's 0-1 defeat at Cagliari.

New Nike Maxim ‘Hi-Vis’ Premier League Ball To Roll Out This Weekend (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Lovely 'piss splash' effect...

Stuff, stuff and more stuff. Here's the new 'Hi-Vis' (yellow) version of Nike's Premier League Maxim ball, that will be rolled out as of October 26th or 'today' if you'd prefer to help make things that bit safer over the Christmas period before being swapped back for the current white model again come the end of February.

Calm, Assured, Silky: Micah Richards Lumps Ball Into His Own Face vs Ajax (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Been trying to find this beauty all day...

Thanks to Pies fan Rihoo for sending this one in.

Minnesota Stars Visit Amateur Team Of Stars Fans, Dole Out Free Kit As ‘Thank-You’ For Their Support (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is just 'nice', y'know? What you're about to see is a group of players from MLS side Minnesota Stars who are already in Pies' good books for, a) having an Admiral kit and, b) having an incredibly cool Admiral kit- led by defender/assistant coach Kevin Friedland, take a mosey on down to their local park to visit an amateur side made up of loyal Stars supporters and reciprocate the love by handing out a fresh new replica kit to the lads in question and staying to roar them on from the sidelines.

Depressing Snapshot: Zlatan Shakes Hands With 16-Year-Old Infant Who Also Happens To Be Professional Footballer…

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By Chris Wright

You could be mistaken for thinking he was making his way down the line of mascots, but here's Zlatan shaking hands with 16-year-old... we'll let that sink in for a moment... Alen Halilovic, who made his Champions League debut for Dinamo Zagreb last night despite being little more than a mop-topped foetus.

Wayne Rooney Stars In So-Bad-It’s-Very-Nearly-Good ‘Skyfall’ James Bond Spoof (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Splicing together scenes from the new James Bond juggernaut 'Skyfall' and Manchester United's horrendously wooden advert forCasillero del Diablo wine from last year, here's Wayne Rooney making his big screen debut in 'Awfull' a spoof so woefully bad it's very nearly good (note we said 'very nearly' there).

What The World Was Waiting For: The ‘Heskeycam’ Is Finally A Thing…

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to the A-League, this is now a real thing...

90+ minutes of first touches bumbling off shins, shots being dribbled gently into the keeper's waiting arms, falling over at inopportune moments and defenders getting barreled arse-over-tit at the slightest contact?

Champions League: Ajax 3-1 Man City – Sloppy Citizens On Verge Of Champions League Exit (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Ajax 3-1 Manchester City Champions League 24th October 2012

On a dismal night for English sides in Europe, Manchester City went down 3-1 in Ajax after a woeful performance in Amsterdam.

Samir Nasri had opened the scoring for the visitors on 22 minutes, but that goal came against the run of play, as Ajax bossed the game from start to finish.

Champions League: Arsenal 0-2 Schalke – Feeble Gunners Outplayed At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-2 Schalke Champions League 24th October 2012

After seeing their side suffering a shock 1-0 defeat away at Norwich at the weekend, Arsenal fans were looking for a positive reaction from their players against Schalke on Wednesday night.

Anderlecht’s Marcin Wasilewski To Refuse Handshake With Zenit’s Axel Witsel Over Leg-Breaking Horror Lunge Three Years Ago

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By Chris Wright

Saints be praised, it's another handshake controversy! Anderlecht have confirmed that Marcin Wasilewski will refuse to shake hands with Zenit St Petersburg midfielder Axel Witsel before the two teams meet in the Champions League.

According to Anderlecht Online, president Herman Van Holsbeeck and coach John van den Brom "tried to convince Wasilewski to leave the past behind him, but without success,"however, Anderlecht have "accepted Wasyl's decision and will not punish him if the two don't shake hands.

Hell Breaks Loose In Crowd At Copa Sudamericana Match, Two Players Sent Off For Kicking Fans And Riot Police (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With their side 2-1 down on the night and 4-2 down on aggregate to Paraguayan team Cerro Porteno inthe second leg of their last-16 Copa Sudamericana fixture, disgruntled fans of Argentinian sideColon began bombarding the pitch and the police around its perimeter with various missiles to vent their frustration at their club now being within 15 minutes of being dumped out of the tournament.

Nott’m Forest’s Billy Sharp Celebrates Goal By Taking Bite Out Of Fan’s Hotdog, Tweets That He Owes Them £5 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Billy Sharp scored his second goal on the bounce for Nottingham Forest last night, opening the scoring at Blackpool and celebrating by charging over to the travelling fans at Bloomfield Road where he was duly presented with a congratulatory hotdog.

Possibly against the advice of Forest's team of dieticians and nutrionists, Sharp took a bite of the fans' sauce-slathered, mechanically-recovered pork(ish) tube and chucked it back in roughly the direction from whence it came.

Presented Without Comment: John Terry And His Anti-Racism Captain’s Armband…

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By Chris Wright

Does... not... compute...

(Photo:Efrem Lukatsky/AP/Press Association Images)

(*okay, so there was a little comment)

Hellas Verona Fined €50,000 After Ultras Start Disgusting Chant About The Late Piermario Morosini

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By Chris Wright

Serie B club Hellas Verona have been fined to the tune of €50,000 after a smattering of their fans began chanting about the late Piermario Morosini during Verona's 2-0 win over Livorno on Saturday afternoon.

Morosini collapsed and died on the pitchat the age of 25 after suffering a fatal heart attack while playing for Livorno against Pescara in Serie B last season, a tragic incident that sent the whole of Italian football into mourning.

Peterborough’s George ‘The White Pele’ Boyd Scores From Centre-Circle vs Huddersfield (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When he arrived at Forest on loan a season or so ago he came billed as 'The White Pele' though I've no idea who by and/or why, as he didn't appear to bequite in that league but never-the-less, here's Peterborough's George Boyd cracking on in from inside the centre-circle against Huddersfield in the Championship last night.

Arsenal Anger Environmental Groups With ‘Absurd’ 14-Minute Flight From London To Norwich

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By Chris Wright

"Please be aware that the emergency exits are here and here..."

Arsenal have rubbed a local environmental group up the wrong way after it came to light that Arsene Wenger and the first-team squad chartered a private jet and took a 14-minute flight to Norfolk for their Premier League game against Norwich at the weekend.

Champions League: Shakhtar 2-1 Chelsea – Blues Suffer Shak Attack In Ukraine (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Shakhtar Donetsk v Chelsea 2-1 Champions League 23rd October 2012

High-flying Chelsea came back down to earth with an Ukrainian bump on Tuesday night after losing 2-1 away at Shakhtar Donetsk in their Champions League Group E game.

The Blues were a goal down within three minutes after one of Shakhtar's Brazilian contingent,Alex Teixeira, netted after the ball rebounded off John Terry.

Champions League: Barcelona 2-1 Celtic – Alba Breaks Bhoys Hearts At The Nou Camp (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Barcelona v Celtic Champions League 23rd October 2012

Poor old Celtic came within a Catalonian whisker of pulling off a magnificent draw in the Camp Nou/Nou Camp on Tuesday evening, only for a late late strike from Spanish Spoilsport Jordi Alba to win the game for Barca.

Champions League: Man Utd 3-2 Braga – Chicarito Brace Helps Save United’s Blushes At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Man Utd v Braga 3-2 Champions League 23rd October 2012

A brace from pint-sized hitman Javier Hernandez, along with a rare goal from Jonny Evans, saved United blushes after they endured a poxy start to their Champions League tie with Braga.

Besiktas Board Member Claims Ricardo Quaresma Exposed Genitals To Staff And Urinated On Club Kitman

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By Chris Wright

Does this look like a man who'd flash his knackers then widdle on people? Actually, don't answer that...

Well, this is all a little unpleasant. With Besiktas desperately scrabbling to shave lumps off their wage bill this summer, a number of their big-earning players were sold on, though Ricardo Quaresma - who was bringing in €3.

Gunners In The Mist: Arsenal Train In Heavy Fog Ahead Of Schalke 04 Tie (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Out on the wiley, windy moors we train. Here's a few moody shots of Arsenal limbering up under the blanket of thick fog that swathed a decidedly bleak-looking London Colney this morning ahead of their Champions League group tie against Schalke 04 at the Emirates tonight.

Sergio Aguero Reminisces About First Time He Met Lionel Messi… And Didn’t Have Foggiest Idea Who He Was! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lovely little anecdote from Sergio Aguero here, in which Kun reminisces about the first time he met Lionel Messi and didn't have the foggiest idea who the Barcelona wunderkind was...

(Via ITV Football)

Zlatan’s ‘Jag Är Zlatan’ Book Shortlisted For Illustrious Swedish Literature Award

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By Chris Wright

You'll have to forgive us here as we're translating from Swedish and, to be honest, it may as well be Klingon, but it would appear that Zlatan Ibrahimovic's Pep-bashing autobiography 'Jag Är Zlatan' has been shortlisted for an illustrious Swedish literature prize.

Football, You’re Doing It Wrong (36 Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Football, they're doing it wrong (click for full-sized images)...

That pic of Pogatetz 'making himself big' cracks us up every time. "WOOO!!!"

(Photos: PA)

St Johnstone’s Nigel Hasselbaink Files Solid Contender For Miss Of The Season vs Kilmarnock (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's one we meant to slap up on Pies yesterday but it got lost in the shuffle for some reason. What you're about to see is St Johnstone striker Nigel Hasselbaink (yes, he's Jimmy's nephew) filing a pretty solid contender for Miss of the Season by dribbling wide from a yard out with the goal completely vacated against Kilmarnock due, largely, to him apparently possessing the first touch of a Brachiosaurus.

Snapshot: Spanish Theatre Group Use Sergio Busquets & Pepe In Advert For Acting Classes

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By Chris Wright

A Barcelona-based theatre group by the name of Comediarte have produced the advert above, featuring the sprawling,shrieking, distorted faces of Barcelona and Real Madrid's resident thespians Sergio Busquets and Pepe two players hammier than a plate ofprosciutto- to promote their acting classes along with the slogan 'Te gusta actuar?

All 36 Players And Substitutes Red-Carded As Paraguayan Junior Game Descends Into Anarchic Slugfest (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When Teniente Farina welcomedLibertad to their patch in a Paraguayan junior league game recently, the game ended with every single player and substitute from both sides 36 people in total being shown a red card after the match ended in a textbook on-field slugfest.

Snapshot: Steven Gerrard, Joe Hart & Frank Lampard All Feature In 25th Anniversary Where’s Wally? Poster

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By Chris Wright

To celebrate 25 years of Where's Wally? (that's 'Where's Waldo?' to our American friends), illustrator Martin Handford has produced a specialcommemorativeposter which features England internationals Steven Gerrard,Frank Lampard, Joe Hart, Glen Johnson, as well as FA grand poobah Sir Trevor Brooking and England ladies' players Kelly Smith and Faye White - prints of which will soon be available to purchase from Wembley.

Marek Sapara Finishes Quicksilver Trabzonspor Counter-Attack With Supreme Style vs Besiktas (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not a bad way to start the morning: here's Marek Sapara's rather lovely opening goal from Sunday's 1-1 draw between Besiktas and Trabzonspor in the Turkish Super Lig...

AaB’s Nicklas Helenius Scores With Beautiful Bergkamp-esque Twist vs SønderjyskE (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's AaB striker Nicklas Helenius popping off a beauty against SønderjyskE in the Danish Superliga over the weekend, courtesy of a wonderful pirouette past his marker on the edge of the box...

Definite shades of the Ice Man reducing Nikos Dabizas to a puddle of bubbling Greek ooze back in 2002.

Moronic Leeds Fan Jailed For Four Months For Pie-Facing ‘Keeper Chris Kirkland

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By Chris Wright

Hup-hup-huzzah! Some wonderful for fans of moronic troglodytes getting exactly what they deserve, with the news that the Leeds fan that attacked Sheffield Wednesday 'keeper Chris Kirkland in his goalmouth when the two sides met on Friday night has been jailed for four months.

The ‘Kick It Out’ Campaign And The Trouble With T-Shirts

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By Chris Wright

Over the course of the weekend's Premier League games, more than 30 players from eight different clubs refused to carry the logo of the Kick It Out campaign across their chests during their respective warm-ups in protest at a perceived lack of action on the anti-racism charity's behalf following another stormy footballing fortnight with racial taunting at the fore once again.

Shit Lookalikes: Danny Welbeck & Gerald From ‘Hey Arnold!’

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By Chris Wright

Brothers of the Flat-top unite! Great work from eagle-eyed Pies spotter @Gunner_Seb.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email your suggestions to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us till we beg for mercy on @waatpies

‘You Call That A Cigar? THIS Is A Cigar!’ – Getafe Fan Smokes Serious Stogie (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the crowd at Getafe's Alfonso Perez Coliseumbefore their game against Levante yesterday...

"I don't usually smoke cigars, but when I do I make sure they're bigger than Scud missiles..."

'Like a boss' as we believe the kids say these days.

Chickens Stop Play As Quilmes Fans Troll River Plate With Reckless Fowl (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Argentinian Premier League,mischievousQuilmes fans disrupt the start of their game against River Plate by releasing a couple of live chickens onto the pitch the reason being that River have been mockingly referred to as 'La Gallinas' ('The Chickens') by fans of other clubs after bottling it and surrendering a two-goal lead in the second leg of the 1966 Copa Libertadores Final against Penarol.

Football GIF: Steven Pienaar’s Horrendous Red-Card Horror Tackle vs QPR

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By Chris Wright

Ban him. Lock him up (preferably in an iron mask) and throw away the key. Steven Pienaar should never see the light of day again for this...

Joking of course. In all seriousness, has there ever been a softer red card in the Premier League? We're certainly struggling to recall one.

Omonia Nicosia Fan Hurls Explosive Flare At Injured Anorthosis Player (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in theCypriot top flight on Saturday, anAnorthosis player (as well as several other members ofpersonnel)came incredibly close to suffering an even nastier injuries when a Omonia Nicosia fan armed with an explosive flare decided to test out just how injured the prone player really was by chucking his grenade into the mix.

QPR 1-1 Everton – Still No Win For Rangers As 10-Man Toffees Battle For Draw At Loftus Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Everton Premier League 21st October 2012

With only three points out of a possible 24 so far this season, Mark Hughes' tenure at QPR boss must be seriously close to coming to an end. Despite playing the last 30 minutes against Everton with a man extra, the Hoops still couldn't secure that first league victory of the campaign against the hard-working Merseysiders.

Sunderland 1-1 Newcastle – Black Cats Earn Derby Draw After Ba Bags Late Own Goal (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-1 Newcastle United Premier League 21st October 2012

In-form striker Demba Ba found the back of the net once again on Sunday afternoon, albeit at the wrong end of the pitch, after the Senegalese hitman put through his own net to give rivals Sunderland a share of the points.

Swansea 2-1 Wigan – Spanish Swans Sink Latics At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 2-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 20th October 2012

Swansea secured their first win in six games at the Liberty Stadium on Saturday, courtesy of strikes from Spaniards Pablo Hernandez on 65 minutes, and then Michu, just two minutes later.

West Ham 4-1 Southampton – Noble On The Mark As Saints Get A Hammering At The Boleyn Ground (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 4-1 Southampton Premier League 20th October 2012

A Mark Noble set-piece brace, courtesy of a free-kick which really shouldn't have evaded the the entire Southampton defence, and a spot-kick helped the Hammers on their way to a decent win over fellow new-boys Southampton.

Fulham 1-0 Aston Villa – Baird Fires Whites To Victory In Scrappy Clash At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-0 Aston Villa Premier League 20th October 2012

Making his 150th appearance for Fulham, defender Chris Baird capped his milestone appearance with the only goal of the game at Cravan Cottage on Saturday, netting from a corner on 84 minutes.

Norwich 1-0 Arsenal – Canaries Score Deserved Win Over Limp Gunners (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-0 Arsenal Premier League 20th October 2012

Arsenal caught with their pants down at Carrow Road...

Norwich secured their first league win of the season in the late game on Saturday, against a lacklustre Arsenal side who, once again, failed to make their possession count.

Juventus’ Leonardo Bonucci Robbed At Gunpoint, Punches Mugger In Face, Chases His Moped Up The Street

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By Chris Wright

"How's about a knuckle sandwich panini!"

According to reports in Italy this morning, Juventus and Italy centre-half Leonardo Bonucci escaped an attempted armed mugging completely unscathed earlier this week after belting the little shit in the face.

Jordi Alba Scores Exquisite Lobbed Own-Goal vs Deportivo La Coruna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Jordi Alba's own-goal during Barcelona's rollercoaster 5-4 victory over Deportivo La Coruna yesterday a finish of truly exquisite beauty...

Oh yes. Such delicate technique.

Thankfully, Alba also managed to nab one at the right end, as did Christian Tello, with Lionel Messi on hand to score his 21st Barca hat-trick and pull another incredible victory out of his patootie.

West Brom 1-2 Man City – Edin For Success! Dzeko Saves The Day For Citizens (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Manchester City Premier League 20th October 2012

Man City came within a whisker of dropping valuable points at the Hawthorns on Saturday. However, supersub Edin Dzeko once again saved the day, courtesy of two late goals.

Man Utd 4-2 Stoke – Rooney To The Rescue As Potters Push United At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United Stoke City Premier League 20th October 2012

Wayne Rooney netted three goals in his sides' home clash on Saturday afternoon, although one of those did come in the shape of an own-goal. That own-goal, on 11 minutes, opened the scoring for the Potters who, courtesy of some excellent play from Charlie Adam, held their own for periods of the game.

Liverpool 1-0 Reading – Super Sterling Gives Reds Priceless Anfield Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-0 Reading Premier League 20th October 2012

Fleet-footed wideboy Raheem Sterling was the star of the show for Liverpool on Saturday, netting the only goal of the game (on 29 minutes) and causing Reading's backline all sorts of problems throughout the fixture.

Tottenham 2-4 Chelsea – The Juan And Only: Mata Stars For Blues At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-4 Chelsea Premier League 20th October 2012

Spanish super-schemer Juan Mata was the star of the show at White Hart Lane in Saturday's early kick-off, as Chelsea moved further clear at the top of the table courtesy of a goal-frenzied 4-2 win against their metropolitan rivals.

Edgar Davids Makes Barnet Debut Against Northampton In League Two (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Edgar Davids made his debut for his 'local' side Barnet last night, a week after joining the Bees as player/coach making his first competitive start for over two years and generally looking a cut above in Barnet's emphatic 4-0 win over Northampton at Underhill last night.

Neymar Given The Old ‘Absolutely Awful Waxwork’ Treatment (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

This waxwork of Neymar has just been unveiled by Brazilian wax artiste Marcelo Rezende, who is filling his time by producing effigies of several of the Selecao's leading lights as the country begins to gear up for the 2014 World Cup.

It ain't great, in fact it looks more like Leona Lewis with a mangled guinea pig carcass on her head.

Thuggish Leeds Fan Attacks Sheffield Wednesday ‘Keeper Chris Kirkland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Grim scenes in the Championship last night, where Sheffield Wednesday 'keeper Chris Kirkland was attacked in his goalmouth when a grunting Leeds fan escaped from his enclosure following Michael Tonge's 77th-minute equaliser and shoved the former Liverpool stopper to the floor.

Disgruntled Fans Attack Dynamo Moscow Players With Paintball Guns At Training Ground

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By Chris Wright

According to Russian outlet R-Sport, the Dynamo Moscow players were attacked by a group of thoroughly peeved, militant fans wielding paintball guns as the squad trained in Novogorsk earlier today.

Dynamo have conceded 20 goals in their first 11 games of the Russian Premier League season eight of which they have lost and are currently experiencing their worst start to acampaignon record, wallowing way down the table in the relegation zone mire.

York City’s Matty Blair Injured After Being Tackled By Mannequin While Training

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By Chris Wright

York City midfielder Matty Blair has become the first footballer in the history of everything that's ever existed on every plane of existence to be injured in a tackle with a training ground dummy a dubious honour if ever there was one.

Blair was forced to nip off to hospital yesterday when he suffered a nasty cut on his knee having toppled into the wire mesh mannequin during a tussle with a teammate.

”Nobody Is More Egotistical Than Steven Gerrard” – Ex-Red El Hadji Diouf Lets Rip On Former Liverpool Teammate

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By Alan Duffy

Never one to win friends and influence people, Senegalese bad-boy El HAdji-Diouf has been at it again, this time taking aim and firing both barrels at former teammate Steven Gerrard.

In an interview with L'Equipe, the Leeds forward discusses his career and his bad-boy image, but it's his quotes on Gerrard which are sure to irk Reds fans as well as the man himself, of course.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Magnificent Assorted Vintage Football Stickers – Vol #7

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By Chris Wright

The Friday Flashback VII and The Deathly Hallows...

The biggest, ugliest member of Bros...

Ewald the Merciless...

Never trust The Worm!

Once again, thanks to the wonderful Panini sticker cache that is Old School Panini for letting us nab the majority of these beauts.

Pitch Invaders Slip-Slidin’ On Waterlogged Poland Pitch Spliced With Baywatch Theme Music (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For the second time in the space of a week, here's the Baywatch theme music on Pies...

Is there such a thing as too much Baywatch theme music? Yes, yes there is.

With that in mind, here's the original for old time's sake...

Thanks to Pies fan Silus for the nudge.

‘My Unbeaten Porto Season Trumps Blues’ Champions League Success’ – Tottenham Boss AVB Has Dig At Chelsea

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By Alan Duffy

There's nothing like a little bitchy comment to brighten up one's day, and ahead of this weekend's London derby between Chelsea and Spurs, former Blues boss Andre Villas-Boas has had a pop at Chelsea and their Champions League success last season.

When asked about his former club's Euro glory last May, the quirky Portuguese tactician pointed to his own unbeaten title-winning success with Porto in 2010/11, saying:

"Winning any league is extremely difficult but going through it unbeaten is also extremely difficult.

Prepare For A Passgasm: Barcelona Breeze Through Incredible ‘Piggy In The Middle’ Training Drill (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This dates back to March so the chances are that you may have seen it before, but it's new to us so we're sharing.What you're about to see is Barcelona going through a blisteringly quick 'Rondo' drill ('Piggy in the Middle' to the Anglicans among you) at an open training session at Wembley.

Snapshot: Man Utd Fanzine Red Issue Run Extremely Dicey John Terry Front Cover…

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By Chris Wright

This is the front cover for the latest issue of controversial, shock-baiting Manchester United fanzine Red Issue, which hopefully requires little in the way of an explanation...

Yes, it's aggressive satire and we can see the humour, however bleak and deviant but, once again, Red Issue have perhaps over-stepped the mark.

Michael Ballack Arrested For Speeding In Spain – Whopping 211km/h In 120km/h Zone

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By Chris Wright

Spanish police have confirmed that they collared former Chelsea midfielder Michael Ballack after clocking him yomping down a motorway near Tujillo in eastern Spain doing a whopping 211 kilometres per hour (131 mph) in a 120 km/h (75 mph) zone according to the Spanish media anyway.

Tsanko Tsvetanov Sacked As Coach Of Bulgarian Club FC Etar 1924 For Third Time This Season

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By Chris Wright

You may be familiar with the managerial merry-go-round, but there is a club over in the Bulgarian top flight who appear to be piloting a scheme somewhere closer to a managerial NASA centrifuge.

FC Etar 1924 (or 'FC Etar 1924 Veliko Tarnovo' to give them their full name) first hired Tsanko Tsvetanov as head coach halfway through last season, though saw fit to relieve him of his duties in August of this year, despite him having just secured promotion to the Bulgarian A league after 14 years in the lower-league wilderness.

Reading’s Jason Roberts Kicks ‘Kick It Out’ Into Touch, Refuses To Wear Anti-Racism T-Shirt At Weekend

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By Alan Duffy

Reading striker Jason Roberts is in no mood for gimmicky anti-racist gestures, with the former Blackburn hitman planning to refuse to wear a Kick It Out top this weekend ahead of the organisation's annual week of action.

According to the 34-year-old Roberts, organisations such as Kick It Out have done far too little to combat racism in football, particularly in the past year when the Luis Suarez and John Terry controversies soiled the national game once more.

Shit Lookalikes: Sammy Ameobi & A Conehead

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By Chris Wright

Well I never, it's only a Shithorror Hairalike...

Top notch stuff from Pies spotter Jonny (@j2oliver)

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us on waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us like the bad, bad boys we've been on @waatpies.

When Great Passes Don’t Get The Finish They Deserve: The Mesut Ozil Edition (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hot damn, that thing deserved a wee chip over the keeper's shoulder.Shame.

Anyway, sorry Mesut, but Zizou's still leading the field...

(Video: Balls.ie)

Shit Football Kits: When Goldie Lookin Chain Sponsored Newport County AFC, 2004/05

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By Chris Wright

This is the shirt that Welsh side Newport County wore for their FAW Premier Cup matches in 2004/05...

For the uninitiated, GLC were a Welsh hip hop collective from Newport, featuring rappers by the name of Maggot, MC Meat Fantasy, 2Hats (he wore two hats), Grayham the Bear and Mike Balls and who had a succession of hits in the mid-2000s; timeless shanties like 'Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do', 'You Know I Loves You' and the peerless 'Your Mother's Got A Penis'.

Greek Club Voukefalas Beat Financial Squeeze By Signing Shirt Sponsorship Deals With Not One, But Two Brothels

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard, times are hard in Greece at the moment and the football is definitely suffering as a result, with man clubs facing imminent ruin even the likes of Panathinaikos way up at the top of the tree being forced into holding what amount to little more than jumble sales in order to sell off their more desirable players.

Nile Ranger Is Quite Literally Dancing In The Street (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Newcastle's lost cause, Nile Ranger (days after being convicted on two counts of assault, Ranger has now been barred from playing for the Newcastle first team by Alan Pardew until he manages to show up for work on time every day for six weeks on the trot no-one is particularly confident), channeling Davie B and Micky J's finest hour by quite literally dancing in the street, probably instead of going to training.

John Terry Decides Not To Appeal Four-Match Ban Over Racism Charge

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By Chris Wright

John Terry has just announced, via a statement made through his management, that he is not going to appeal against the four-match ban and £220,000 fine handed to him by the FA for 'you know what'-ing 'you know who' back on 'you know when'.

Said Terry:

"After careful consideration, I have decided not to appeal against the FA judgment.

Romania Players Party With Van Persie, Afellay & Huntelaar Hours After Being Thrashed By Holland, Cause Very Minor Outrage

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By Chris Wright

Ain't no party like a Mutu (r) party

There's a bit of a stir over in the Romanian tabloid circles this morning after it was reported that members of the Romanian squadfrolickedwith members of the Dutch squad at a fancy club in Bucharest a few hours after the national team had been panned 4-1 by Holland.

England Players Took Sleeping Pills After First Poland Game Was Abandoned, Punchlines Write Themselves

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By Chris Wright

After watching Adrian Chiles desperately fumble and wibble on and on about forks for an hour-and-a-half there was no danger of anybody watching at home needing any assistance falling asleep, but it is being reported this morning that some of the England players took sleeping pills to guide themselves off up the wooden hills to Bedfordshire after the aborted Poland game on Tuesday nightto help combat the Pro Plus caffeine pills they'd already taken to keep themselves pepped in case of a late kick-off.

Neymar Scores Yet Another Zig-Zag Wonder Goal On 200th Appearance For Santos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which we see Neymar, such is his wont, adding yet another dribbly slalom wonder goal to his ever swelling portfolio of dribbly slalom wonder goals on his 200th appearance for Santos (he's 20) against Ronaldinho's Atletico Mineiro last night after playing for Brazil against Japan in Poland the day before.

Snapshot: Touché Vauxhall, Touché…

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By Chris Wright

Vauxhall's advertisement for the new Corsa convertible on the hoardings at the supposedly convertible National Stadium in Warsaw yesterday afternoon...

Very clever chaps, well done. A doff of the cap to thee.

(Image via Facebook)

Caught In A Trap: Ireland Boss Trapattoni To Stay On As FAI Back Their Man

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By Alan Duffy

Ever since the Boys in Green performed rather miserably at Euro 2012, all has not been well in the Irish camp, with players moaning in public, throwing strops at airports and generally adding to an air of disquiet around Giovanni Trapattoni's Irish regime.

A manager stuck in his (quite dated) ways, the legendary Italian has overseen a poor start to the World Cup qualifiers, culminating in that hideous home 6-1 mauling at the hands of Germany.

World Cup Qualifying: Poland 1-1 England – Turgid Three Lions Suffer Heart Failure In Warsaw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Poland 1-1 England World Cup Qualifiers 17th October 2012

With the roof shut tight above their heads, Poland and England finally got to play some football, a day later than advertised. However, the Three Lions struggled to string any passes together on the very iffy pitch, with the home side looking better for most of the game.

‘There Was No Racism, It Was Danny Rose’s Fault’ – Serbian FA’s Take On England U21 Monkey-Chant Shitstorm

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By Chris Wright

The Serbian FA have claimed that they saw no ships in Krusevac.There was, in their own words, 'no racism' during England U21s game against their Serbian counterparts. Remember, the one that was played amid a relentless chorus of monkey chanting?

FA Reveal New England Code Of Conduct: Restricted Xbox Hours, No Drugs, No Betting, No Twitter Criticism

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By Chris Wright

After a rocky few days/weeks/months/years in which several of the England contingent have, shall we say, digressed, the FA have seen fit to issue a 16-page code of conduct to all England internationals to advise them on their behaviour while representing their country on international duty.

Linesman Asks Lionel Messi For Cheeky Half-Time Photo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Who said professionalism was dead?! Here's the linesman asking Lionel Messi for a cheeky half-time photo with him during Argentina's World Cup Qualifier against Chile last night...

Thanks to Pies fan Lawl0845 for the tip-off!

Joey Barton Involved In Mini-Skirmish After Rash Tackle In Marseille Friendly vs FC Istres (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

(Images: Mirror)

What with his still being banned from playing for them in the league until November 17th, Joey Barton has had to make do with a few peripheral appearances for Marseille so far which included a run-out in a friendly against Ligue 2 side FC Istres yesterday.

Snapshot: Cristiano Ronaldo Wins And Wears His 100th Portugal Cap…

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By Chris Wright

At27 years and 248 days, Cristiano Ronaldo became the third youngest footballer to reach 100 full international caps last night (there's ten Pies points on offer for anyone who can correctly identify the top two!), only for Norn Iron to go and put a bit of a dampener on things.

French TV Host Makes Crass ‘Fukushima’ Joke After Japan’s Win Over France, Japanese Government Demand Apology

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By Chris Wright

A French television host has incurred the wrath of the Japanese government after making a joke about the devastating 9.0 magnitudeearthquake and subsequent tsunami that hit Japan in March of 2011, triggering a nuclear meltdown at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant the largest nuclear disaster sinceChernobylin 1986.

Danny Rose Tells Sky Sports News About Awful Racist Abuse Suffered In Serbia (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

Monkey chanting/spewing racist abuse at a football match (or anywhere for that matter) = a quick, simple way to show the rest of the watching world exactly how much of a moronic, backward, pig ignorant bigot you are.

(Video: 101GG)

Vincent Kompany Twists, Turns, Scores Cracker In Belgium’s 2-0 Win Over Scotland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Two minutes after Villa's Christian Benteke had nodded them in front against Scotland at the back post in Brussels last night, Belgium capitano Vincent Kompany shored up the scoreline with a lovely, inherently classy strike from the edge of the area...

Damn this guy's good.

Football GIF: Pitch Invader Rather Damp ‘Klinsmann’ Dive On Waterlogged Pitch (Poland P-P England)

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By Chris Wright

"Weeeeeee!!!"

(GIF: 101GG/Photos: PA)

England U21 Win Over Serbia Ends In Nauseating Scenes, Danny Rose Sent Off Amid Hail Of Monkey Chants (Video)

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By Chris Wright

England U21s qualified for Euro 2013 with a slender 1-0 win over Serbia in Krusevac last night, though the match settled by Connor Wickham's injury-time winner ended amid nauseating scenes, with Danny Rose sent-off after the final whistle having been riled by a hail of monkey chants from the terraces.

World Cup: Northern Ireland Come To Within 11 Minutes Of Shocking Portugal, But Still Get A Fabulous Draw (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norn Iron fans haven't had much to cheer about in recent years, with a constant stream of young talent heading south to represent the Republic and results not getting any better. However, faced with a bloody difficult away tie against the mighty Portugal, Cristiano Ronaldo and all, the Irish almost secured an incredible win.

World Cup: Sweden Come Back from 4-0 Down To Snatch Incredible Draw Against Germany (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

"Jogi not happy. Jogi angry."

Holy God! After cruising to a 3-0 half-time lead in Berlin, courtesy of brace from Miroslav Klose and a goal from Arsenal giant Per Mertesacker, Sweden's men looked well and truly shafted (that's a feeble attempted at a Mannschaft pun, by the way.

Poland vs England Snapshot: It’s A Bit Moist In Warsaw…

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By Chris Wright

Just shut the roof chaps...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 2

Photos: PA

15 Brilliant Photos Of Footballers With Animals

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By Chris Wright

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, here's a 14-strong bundle of photos of footballers posing some more awkwardly than others with their animal friends (click for full-sized images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 15

Brian Clough patrols the Nottingham Forest training ground with his dog

(Photos: PA)

‘My Eight-Year-Old Grandson Has Better Co-Ordination Than Andy Carroll’ – Poland Legend Zbigniew Boniek

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By Chris Wright

With England playing Poland in Warsaw tonight, the man who is currently favouriteto succeed Grzegorz Lato as the president of the Polish football association,Zbigniew Boniek, has fired the first shot across the bows, claiming that his eight-year-old grandson is already a better player than Andy Carroll.

Milan Baros Donates €40k To First Club Banik Ostrava, Covers Players’ Unpaid Wages

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By Chris Wright

Former Liverpool, Portsmouth and current Galatasaray striker Milan Baros has donated a cool €40,000 to his first professional club, Banik Ostrava, who are currently struggling to make ends meet over in the Czech top tier.

It's being reported that half of Baros' donation will go towards easing some of Banik's crippling debts while the other half will be put towards covering as much of the players' unpaid wages as possible.

Wales To Premiere Dapper New Half-And-Half Away Kit For Croatia Qualifier (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

To go with their room-splitting new(ish) home strip, this is the brand new half-and-half away kit that Wales are set to sport for the very first time for their World Cup qualifier against Croatia in Osijek tonight as Tweeted by Wales coach Osian Roberts...

It's a lovely strip, though whether it will bring Wales any luck tonight is another matter entirely especially when you factor in that theyhave won just once on the road since November of 2008!

Shit Lookalikes: Gianluigi Buffon & Game Boy-Era Ninja Gaiden

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By Chris Wright

One for the classic gamers out there...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over on @waatpies.

Arsenal’s Carl Jenkinson Chooses England Over Finland, But Is He Really International Class?

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By Alan Duffy

As a teenager, Carl didn't have many girlfriends...

After a superb start to the season for the Gunners, in which he has more than ably filled in for the injured Bacary Sagna, ex-Charlton full-back Carl Jenkinson, he of the remarkably small face, has decided to pledge his senior international future to the Three Lions.

Swedish Womens’ Team Kristianstads DFF Faithfully Recreate ‘Baywatch’ Opening Titles (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's the interlull and there's not an awful lot going on, so thank merciful heavens that the girls from Swedish womens' side Kristianstads DFF (KDDF for short) have spent their fortnight faithfully recreating a shot-for-shot remake of the Baywatch titles for no obvious reason.

Steven Gerrard Flummoxed By Polish Translation Headphones At Press Conference (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the pre-Poland presser yesterday afternoon, Steven Gerrard gets all confuzzled when he can't seem to make head nor tail of the English translation of a journalist's question, before slowly realising that the question in the room had actually been asked in English and that the translated question he'd been intently listening to through his headphones was actually in Polish.

Asian Football Confederation Refer To UAE National Team As ‘The Sand Monkeys’

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By Chris Wright

The Asian Football Confederation have been quite rightly forced into apologising after an almighty balls-up on their official website saw an article refer the United Arab Emirates's national team as 'The Sand Monkeys'.

The article has since been stripped afterYousuf Abdulla of the UAE Football Association demanded an apology and called the wording an 'unfortunate affair' which 'revealed some racist acts by some AFC officials.

Does Ashley Cole Deserve Another Chelsea Contract Despite Being An Ancient, Decrepit 31-Year-Old Man?

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By Chris Wright

There is warbling in today's papers (notably the Mail) that Ashley Cole is all but set to leave Chelsea at the end of the season after rejecting the one-year contract extension that has been laid on the table for him standard club policy for players who are the wrong side of the dreaded (and largely arbitrary) '30′ hump.

‘He Is A Cheat: He Tugs Your Shirt, Kicks You And Loves To Dive’ – Laurent Koscielny Gives Luis Suarez Both Barrels

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal centre-back Laurent Koscielny has been chatting to French footballing tome L'Equipe, who asked him which striker he admired and which he hated playing against most.

After naming the 'strong' and 'good' Didier Drogba as the opponent who had impressed him the most, Koscielny went a bit 'balls out of the bath' with the answer to the second question:

"Who is the forward I hate to face?

Oldham Athletic’s Lee Croft Accused Of Racially Abusing Time-Wasting Sheffield United Ballboy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yep, this again.Oldham Athletic winger Lee Croft hascategoricallydenied accusations that he racially abused a Sheffield United ballboy who deliberately attempted to waste time by kicking the ball away when the two sides met in League One on Saturday.

Croft has refuted the allegation, saying: "I've run over to get the ball, he's kicked it away and in my frustration I've said 'what are you doing?

Algeria Coach Vahid Halilhodzic, 59, Turns On Razzmatazz Touchline Skills vs Libya (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short and sweet: here's 59-year-old Algeria coach Vahid Halilhodzic doing in a pair of Hush Puppies what most of us couldn't do in a pair of football boots and returning the ball up the touchline for a throw-in with a dandy flash ofrazzmatazz during his side's ACoN qualifier against Libya at the weekend.

Brazilian Player Smears Own Blood Across Face Of Opponent (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In what looks more like a deleted scene from Last of the Mohicans, though we're told it's actually from the Brazilian third division, we see a Santa Cruz player Chicao have his nose bloodied by a flailing elbow from his Fortuleza opposite number, Esley, only for his to retaliate by smearing his claret across his opponent's face by way of revenge as if to say 'Look!

Senegal Face ACoN Expulsion After Violent Stadium Riot Erupts During Ivory Coast Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Senegal are facing the threat of being ejected from the Africa Cup of Nations altogether after their qualifier against Ivory Coast yesterday had to be abandoned among a cloud of tear gas when a stadium riot erupted during the game.

With Senegal going 2-0 down on the night (and 6-2 down on aggregate)in the 70th minute to Didier Drogba's second goal of the evening, angry fans began lighting fires in the terraces and hurling bottles, rubbish, shoes and lumps of concrete down onto the pitch.

England 5-0 San Marino: *Insert Relevant Headline Here* (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Kyle Walker just became incredibly jealous

Unfortunately, there's no match report as, as we've already mentioned elsewhere, a hairy combination of vast amounts of elaborate sticky cocktails and a small house fire meant we missed the match last night so you'll just have to make do with loads of lovely photos from England's convincing/terrible/stupefyingly hard-fought* 5-0 win over San Marino last night.

A-League Headliners Alessandro Del Piero & Emile Heskey Both Open Aussie Accounts In Same Game (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

The two twin bastions of the A-League's push for prominence, Alessandro Del Piero and Emile Heskey, both scored their first goals for their respective new clubs, each finding the net with impressive strikes when Sydney FC welcomed the Newcastle United Jets to their manor on Saturday.

Did Gareth Bale Dive Again Against Scotland? Shaun Maloney Says Not…

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By Chris Wright

Sadly, last night's international fixtures passed me by, largely due to alcohol/house fire-based reasons, though whispers did reach myconch that Gareth Bale had been up to his old tricks again, going down like a sack of shit being slung from the back of a truck to win a late penalty.

Edgar Davids Arrives For First Training Session At Humble Barnet FC (First Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As promise, Edgar Davids turned up for his first look at Barnet's set-up at 'The Hive', the League Two club's training ground (their nickname is 'The Bees', geddit?) this afternoon, telling the local press that he plans to be match-fit in the space of a fortnight.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Brilliant Vintage Panini Football Stickers – Vol #6

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By Chris Wright

The Friday Flashback VI: The Eternal Crystals...

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4
Friday Flashback Volume #5

(Souness shamelessly pilfered from @DanielHarris's Twitter.

Football Songs: Jim Daly Performs Beautiful, Lilting Ode To Lovely Chelsea Physio Eva Carneiro (Video)

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By Chris Wright

From the mind and fingers and larynx of songsmith Jim Daly (he of 'I Believe In You Fernando Torres' and 'Phil Jones Looks Like A Georgian Gargoyle' fame) comes this lovely, lilting acoustic calypso lullaby about Chelsea's latex-glove totin' physio cutie pie Eva Carneiro.

Women’s U17 World Cup: Dreadful Penalty Let In By Dreadful ‘Keeper With Unfortunate Name (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ahead of the Women's U17 World Cup there was a wave of low-level consternation that the captain of the Nigerian side had pulled an 'Obafemi Martins' and was indeed about 30-years old, but it looks like the concerns should definitely be over the 'keeper, Gift Andy, who let France midfielderDelphine Cascarino's fearsomely struck 5mph penalty somehow dribble through her and in after the second round match between the two countries went to a shootout last night.

David Luiz Smacked Across Face By Brazil Teammate Diego Alves (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brazil played Iraq (who are coached by Zico) in a friendly last night, thrashing them 6-0 in Sweden; a game which saw Kaka score on his first appearance for his country since the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

There were goals aplenty over the course of the evening, but the real highlight was seeing David Luiz getting knocked coco loopy by his own goalkeeper, Diego Alves, who rose elegantly to punch a cross clear, duly got absolutely nothing of the ball and thumped Luiz in the face, sending his fuzzy arse down.

Where Do You Turn When Even FIFA 13 Thinks You’re Less Than Worthless? (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

It's a sad day when even your video games start admitting that they think you're worthless...

"Apparently my player in career mode is so terrible Sir Alex wants me sent out on loan. Brighton and Hove Albion are willing to bring me in and are offering me -$1 per week to play for them it seems!

Edgar Davids Signs On For Local Club, Football League Propper-Uppers Barnet

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By Chris Wright

First Luis Boa Morte, now this.Never averse to a swerve career move, former Inter, Juventus, Ajax, Barcelona, Milan, Tottenham and Crystal Palace midfielder Edgar Davids has agreed to sign for his local side, the football league's bottom club, Barnet FC which is just about the best news you're going to hear all day!

Ex-Arsenal and Fulham Winger Luis Boa Morte Joins League Two Chesterfield In Surprise Short-Term Deal

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By Alan Duffy

Never quite living up to his initial, fleet-footed promise, Portuguese wideboy Luis Boa Morte still managed to carve out a decent career at the top level, enjoying spells with Arsenal (where he won a Premier League winner's medal), Southampton, Fulham and West Ham along with a few of them foreign diving cheating teams abroad and that.

‘Romford Pele’ Ray Parlour Tutors Lukas Podolski In Cockney Rhyming Slang (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Arsenal striker and professional German Lukas Podolski hunkers down for 'Cockney Ryhming Slang 101′ as taught by the 'Romford Pele' himself, Ray bleedin' Parlour...

Join us again next week for lesson two: a track-by-track synopsis of Chas & Dave's Greatest Hits

Video: Lady Arse

Roy Gets His Leg Over As England Train At London Colney Ahead Of San Marino (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Cover me Trev, I'm going in..."

Photos of England going through their paces ahead of tomorrow night's World Cup 2014 qualifier against the mighty San Marino at Wembley...

Photos: PA

Competitive Dad Lashes Vicious Volley Straight Into Baby Son’s Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Simple, effective...

Former Arsenal Duffer Denilson Scores 40-Yard Ballistic Screamer vs Palmeiras (Video)

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By Chris Wright

On loan at Sao Paulo from Arsenal, Denilson scored an absolute screamer, his first for the club, in their 3-0 win over Palmeiras at the weekend humping the ball in off the stanchion from 40 yards out...

Denilson later thanked his mother, who passed away in 1998, for her assistance:

"She and God helped me a lot, especially with that shot.

Kyle Walker Harbours Slightly Weird Secret Soup-Based Hero Worship Love For Phil Jagielka

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By Chris Wright

"After we're done here, the soup's on me"

With England's defence being depleted for the San Marino qualifier against San Marino on Friday evening to the tune of Ryan Bertrand (pulled out with a sore throat apparently England don't travel with a bottle of Calpol 6+ in the first aid kit) and the suspended Glen Johnson, there's every chance that Kyle Walker may line up alongside Phil Jagielka at the back.

Shit Lookalikes: ‘Dark Knight Killer’ James Holmes & Ian Holloway

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By Chris Wright

Holmes is the nutcase that is currently on trial for shooting dead 12 people at a Batman screening in Colorado not so very long ago.

Holloway is the wibbly-wobbly Blackpool manager.

Cracking, if ever-so-slightly morbid, work from Pies fan Lee Hickson.

Shit Football Kits: Clydebank’s Drippy ‘Wet Wet Wet’ Strip, 1993

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By Chris Wright

Remember when Marti Pellow and the rest of the chaps from Wet Wet Wet took over as principle sponsors of Clydebank FC back in 1993? Repressed the memory? Let us once again bring it to the fore.

With a fair old wodge of excess cash knocking round after a string of early 90s hits, Wet Wet Wet wanted to invest some of their funds back into their hometown football club and did so by becoming the Bankies' shirt sponsor the first ever deal of its kind.

Our Game: Supporting Amateur And Semi-Pro Footballers

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By Chris Wright

Their are many, many reasons to love Non-League and amateur football: the mud (there's no mud in the Premier League any more), crossbars decorated lovingly with garlands of electrical tape in every colour, the light speckling of dog turd, the half-time can of Strongbow, the mud.

Crystal Palace Cheerleaders Dance To ‘Gangnam Style’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen them do their bikini-clad thing to 'Call Me Maybe', and The Crystals Crystal Palace's in-house cheerleading troupe are hoping that their high-art follow-up hit, a viral of them dancing around to 'Gangnam Style' (featuring a cameo from mascot Pete the Eagle), will be just as popular.

Francesco Totti Produces Own Guide To Rome, Poses As Gladiator On Front Cover

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By Chris Wright

According to the Italian media, Francesco Totti is on the eve of launching his very own city guide, in good old-fashioned book form, to his beloved home entitled 'E mo te spiego Roma', which, near as we can fathom, translates as 'Let's Talk About Rome' or thereabouts.

River Plate Fans Carry Colossal, Record-Breaking 8km-Long Club Banner Through Buenos Aires (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at here is the banner unfurled and paraded through the streets of Buenos Aires by River Plate fans on Monday in the hope of breaking the Guinness World Record for the most long-arsed banner ever unfurled or something similar.

Measuring in at a stately 7,829.

Former Blackburn Hero Chris Sutton, 39, Lines Out With Son For Ryman Side Wroxham

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By Alan Duffy

We've already mentioned one member of Blackburn Rovers' famous SAS strike partnership in the dull form of Alan Shearer but now we're also giving Chris Sutton a shout out (for the kids) albeit courtesy of a more heart-warming tale.

Now 39 and well into the mid-winter of his playing career, the one-cap England man made his first appearance (as a sub) for Ryman Division One North side Wroxham on Saturday in their clash with Tilbury.

Former TalkSPORT Presenter Porky Parry Attempts ‘Cinnamon Challenge’, Erupts In Cloud Of Dusty Orange Spittle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which former TalkSPORT and Five Live gobshite Mike 'Porky' Parry a man with well-documented health/heart problems attempts the 'Cinnamon Challenge', i.e,shovelinga spoonful of the devil's bark dust into your mouth and attempting to take it LIKE A MAN, in his back garden.

‘Keeper Scores From Own Area Thanks To Sizeable Bollock Dropped By Opposite Number (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Action from the Maldives Presidents Cup now, in whichNew Radiant's 'keeper Imran Mohamedscores from his own area, though solely due to his opposite number possessing the wrists of a scurvy-riddled octogenarian...

To make matters worse, the offending 'keeper was representing a side called 'Victory' who duly lost the game (a cup semi-final, no less) 2-1.

Black-And-White Snapshot: Dear Old Hilda And Phyllis Wander Onto White Hart Lane Pitch In Middle Of Match, 1972

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By Chris Wright

Cracking vintage snapshot of a couple of doddery old dears disrupting proceedings by innocently meandering onto the White Hart Lane pitch in the middle of the game while Tottenham were taking on Manchester United in 1972...

"Excuse me young man, do you know where seats B18 and B19 are?

Gillingham Manager Martin Allen Hands Over Team Talk Duties To Post Office Worker Called Donna

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By Chris Wright

"Oh Donna, you made me stand up.You made me sit down, Donna"

Writing in his programme notes for their game against Rochdale at the weekend, Gillingham manager Martin Allen who, for theuninitiated, is as mad as a bucket of weasels revealed the secret to his side's table-topping form in League Two so far this season.

Liverpool Boss Brendan Rodgers Raps Alan Shearer Over Joe Allen Gibes

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By Alan Duffy

A fine footballer he surely was, but Alan Shearer remains one of the dullest pundits out there. Still entrenched in the game's old school, the former England man has come under fire from forward-thinking Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers over his criticism of Welsh midfielder Joe Allen.

Horror Hair: Cristiano Ronaldo’s Groundbreaking Symbol Of ‘The Peace And Calm Of A Warrior After Battle’

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By Chris Wright

This from Madrid-based brother-barber comboJosé and Miguel Siero Leal, explaining to MARCA the daring new cut debuted by Cristiano Ronaldo against Barcelona over the weekend:

"Ronaldo told us, as he had on many other occasions, that he was looking for something different.

Will Newcastle Lose Demba Ba, Papiss Cisse, Cheick Tiote & Hatem Ben Arfa Over Wonga Shirt Sponsorship Deal?

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By Chris Wright

There's a theory being put forward in some quarters (it was mostly flippantly pointed out on Twitter when the deal was announced) that Newcastle may lose devout Muslim quartet Demba Ba, Papiss Cisse, Cheick Tiote and Hatem Ben Arfa after signing a shirt sponsorship deal that may just infringe Sharia law.

Real Betis’ Juan Carlos Auditions For ‘Worst Corner Kick Ever’, Destroys Corner Flag (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Real Betis winger Juan Carlos filing a solid entry in the 'Worst Corner EVAH' stakes against Real Sociedad the other night...

That Sir, was bloody risible! Anyway, nice try Juan, but we fear Wilson Palacios is still in pole position with his marvelously lame dribbler vs Besiktas last season.

Veteran Swedish Broadcaster Does A ‘Ron Atkinson’, Gets Fired After Off-Mic Racist Remarks

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By Alan Duffy

Bo Hansson, a veteran Swedish sports commentator broke the cardinal rule of the casually racist broadcaster he forget to check if the microphone was still on when he decided to go all Big Ron on us.

Referring to some of the players on show during AIK's clash with Gefle, Hansson was heard muttering the word 'darkies' by eagle-eared listeners to the Sveriges Radio programme.

Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge Meet England Players, Awkward Jacuzzi Scenes Follow (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Andy, do us a favour son. One can totally see your furry Geordie knackers from here!"

Wills and his good lady officially cut the ribbon at England's new home, St George's Park this morning, then did their bit, awkwardly conversing with the proles including a not-at-all weird scenecenteredaround a jacuzzi full of half-naked men.

Wonga Loans Throw £4m (At 3,000% APR?) At Newcastle For Naming Rights, Vow To Revert Stadium Name Back To St. James’ Park

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By Chris Wright

Payday loan sharks company Wonga have concluded a four-year sponsorship deal with Newcastle, chucking a reported £4 million-a-year at the Toon (presumably at a very competitiverepresentative 3000% APR) in order to ensure that their vaunted marque is placed upon the club's shirts and that they have the naming rights for the club's stadium.

Pap Polish Football: Blooper Reel From Zaglebie Lubin vs Legia Warsaw Is Delightfully Crap! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're not avid followers of the Polish Ekstraklasa here on Pies, but we've seen this following comedy of errors described as 'Polish football in a nutshell'. If it's all this hilariously woeful then we may need to up our interest tenfold.

Presenting: the blooper reel from Zaglebie Lubin's recent 2-2 draw with Legia Warsaw.

Snapshot: Milan Fined After Fans Taunt Antonio Cassano With ‘Traitor, Return Your Defibrillator’ Banner

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By Chris Wright

"Cassano. Traitor. Give us back the defibrillator"

AC Milan have been fined after fans unfurled a huge banner during Sunday's Milan derby demaning that 'traitor' Antonio Cassano who did the unthinkable and left the Rossoneri for the Nerazzurri this summer in a swap deal with Giampaolo Pazzini give back the defibrillator used to revive him after the striker suffered amild Transient Ischemic Attack (or 'mini-stroke') while at Milan in November of last year.

Watch England Train At St George’s Park For First Time Ever Ahead Of San Marino Qualifier (Live Stream)

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By Chris Wright

After Prince William and his stick insect bride officially opened it this morning, England are training at the new, bells-and-whistles £100 million St. George's Park HQ (this way for a virtual tour) for the first time ever this morning ahead of the San Marino game on Friday and you can watch them thanks to the FA's live Youtube feed of the session.

New York Red Bulls Coach Stabbed To Death In Manhattan Street

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By Chris Wright

Terrible, terrible news is reaching Pies this morning that Mike Jones, a young coach at MLS side New York Red Bulls, was stabbed to death in Manhattan last night.

The 25-year old, originally from Tarleton in Lancashire, was pronounced dead on arrival at New York's Bellevue Hospital.

Owen Coyle Sacked By Bolton After Grim Start To Championship Life

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By Chris Wright

"Hey! Owen..."

"Yeah?"

"You're sacked pal!"

That's right. Owen Coyle has been relieved of his duties by Bolton, who currently lie 18th in the Championship after a fairly pap start to their post-relegation season in the second tier.

‘Slightly Drunk’ Terek Grozny Midfielder Jonathan Legear Destroys Petrol Station With Porsche (With CCTV)

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By Chris Wright

Terek Grozny midfielder Jonathan Legear has admitted that he was 'only slightly' over the drink-drive limit after missing the brake pedal in his Porsche and ploughing into the Esso petrol station at 5:30am in Tongeren, back home in his native Belgium.

Legear was spending the weekend in Flanders after being told that he was surplus to requirements for Grozny's weekend Russian Premier League fixture, and had spent Saturday night out with friends.

Open letter to Pies readers – choose what Pies looks like in the future

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Dear Piesters

First up thanks you for your loyalty in making Pies one of the best read footy blogs on the planet. A good 60,000 of you crowd on to the site every day, some days it is even more.

We are currently looking at ways of making Pies better. There will be a re-design very soon which should make your Pies experience a whole lot faster and easier.

FA Charge Ashley Cole Over #BUNCHOFTWATS Brain Fart – Turn Blind Eye On Van Persie, ‘Stampy’ Huth And Tiote’s Amateur Dramatics

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By Chris Wright

Shortly after announcing that they've seen fit to charge Ashley Cole with misconduct and bringing the game into disrepute over his errant thumbs and the resultant #BUNCHOFTWATTERY which prevailed thereafter, the FA have confirmed that no further action will be taken against the trio of Robin van Persie, Robert Huth or Cheick Tiote for straight-arming Yohan Cabaye, stamping on Luis Suarez's ribcage and putting on a flamboyant display of dissenting amateur dramatics respectively.

Football GIF: Pathetic Suarez Dive Rebooted – Here’s What Really Happened…

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By Chris Wright

More outstanding work from Olly, GIFmeister General over at Red Cafe, i.e, the man responsible for this fantastic GIF of Suarez being zapped by an old lady Terminator too.

Eye-Watering: Lukasz Piszczek Ruptures Conkers On Post ‘Phil Babb-Style’ vs Hannover (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Gentlemen, set your phasers to eye-watering. Here's Borussia Dortmund right-back Lukasz Piszczek giving the upright a good, hearty 'Phil Babbing' against Hannover presented in glorious HD slow motion for your viewing pleasure...

*Gip*

We suggest Mr Piszczek checks his peas after that one.

Russian U15s Game Plays Host To World Class ‘Rainbow Flick’ Volley (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is donkey's years old in internet years (nearly six whole days) but definitely worth a squirt all the same. We join the action mid-way throughFC Alushta Krym's game against Kirovograd (fun fact: Andrei Kanchelskis was born in Kirovograd) in a local Russian/Ukrainian U15s league, right before Alushta's Aleksandr Litvenenko does something rather special.

Aston Villa’s Joe Bennett Collides With Advertising Board, Suffers Horrible Leg Gash (Grizzly Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Giving Wayne Rooney a run for his money, here's the ravine-like gash suffered by Villa's Joe Bennett after the young left-back after he careened into the advertising boards against Tottenham yesterday...

Two words: Sarlacc Pit

Bennett was stretchered off and taken straight to hospital where he presumably received several hundreds of stitches in that thing.

Barcelona 2-2 Real Madrid: Strangely Sane El Clasico Ends All Square, Messi & Ronaldo Do The Business (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

No blood was shed and barely any dickheadery and/or childish bickering was present as Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo both scored twice to ensure that the first league Clasico of the hundreds set to be played this season ended two apiece in a relatively level-headed affair.

BBC Expert Garth Crooks Backs Scotland International James Morrison For Long Overdue England Call-Up

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By Chris Wright

This from Garth Crooks' 'Team of the Week' over on the BBC Sport website...

To date, Morrison has 23 caps for Scotland *sigh*.

The article has since been altered.

(Image via @neiltreacy)

Football GIF: Gareth Bale’s Laughable Dive vs Aston Villa Deserves To Be Punished

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By Chris Wright

Anticipating contact? Try 'cheating arsehole'...

Obviously it's all extremely hilarious Bale fell down like a plonker but it slightly galls Pies that there's never any outrage over things like this. He deserves to be punished for this.

It would be so easy for the FA to administer a retrospective one-match dive to Bale for his attempts to get Guzan wrongfully penalised and it's downright stupefying that such measures aren't in place.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez’s Laughable Dive vs Stoke Deserves To Be Punished

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By Chris Wright

Anticipating contact? Try 'cheating arsehole'...

Obviously it's all extremely hilarious Suarez fell down like a plonker but it slightly galls Pies that there's never any outrage over things like this. He deserves to be punished for this.

It would be so easy for the FA to administer a retrospective one-match dive to Suarez for his attempts to get anyone and everyone wrongfully penalised and it's downright stupefying that such measures aren't in place.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Clangs Vicious Freekick In From 35 Yards vs Marseille (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PSG drew 2-2 with Marseille last night, with Andre-Pierre Gignac and Zlatan Ibrahimovic each scoring twice for their respective sides Zlatan's second of the night looking a little like this, a booming free-kick from a fair old distance (the bloody things won't embed so you'll have to follow the links).

Tottenham 2-0 Aston Villa – Four Wins In A Row For Lilywhites As Villans Lose At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Aston Villa Premier League 7th October 2012

AVB's Spurs side continued their climb up the table after second-half goals from Steven Caulker and Aaron Lennon secured a decent 2-0 home win.

Villa had come close to opening the scoring themselves, only for Christian Benteke to head wide before going on to miss another very good chance.

Newcastle 0-3 Man Utd – Red Devils Too Good For Mediocre Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-3 Manchester United Premier League 7th October 2012

Man Utd outclassed Newcastle at St James' Park on Sunday, a result which sends the Red Devils into second place in the table, four points behind leaders Chelsea.

The visitors were 2-0 up within the first 15 minutes, courtesy of headers from Jonny Evans and Patrice Evra after corners.

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke – Woodwork Saves Spiky Potters As Reds Fail To Win At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City Premier League 7th October 2012

Liverpool hit the woodwork three times but just couldn't secure that all important goal against Stoke on Sunday afternoon.

Raheem Sterling, Luis Suarez and then Martin Skrtel both hit the woodwork for the Reds, as they battled against a typically resolute and physical Stoke side.

Southampton 2-2 Fulham – Fonte Brace Bags Draw For Saints (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-2 Fulham Premier League 7th October 2012

A last-gasp equaliser from Jose Fonte secured a draw for Southampton at St. Mary's on Sunday after an entertaining clash with Fulham.

The Portuguese defender opened the scoring after just four minutes.

Journalist Henry Winter Honours Pardew Bet, Swims Across Newcastle’s River Tyne

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By Chris Wright

Henry Winter is many things; chief football writer over at the Daily Telegraph, regular presence on the Sunday Supplement, Britain's preeminent pseud purveyor of the tortured introduction and you now add 'straight-upman of his word' to that list.

Winter went on record that Newcastle and Mike Ashley would never make a long-term commitment to Alan Pardew when he was first appointed at St James' Park.

Ronaldinho Curls Flukey Beauty In At Far Post vs Figueirense, Bursts Into Tears On Emotional Day (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Atletico Mineiro rolled Figueirense over in the Brazilian league yesterday, sticking six unanswered goals past their opponents including a hat-trick (plus two further assists) from the outstanding Ronaldinho his first goal looking a little something like this.

Emmanuel Adebayor’s Truly Fantastic Sexalicious ‘Power Horse’ Energy Drink Commercial (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Filmed a few years ago, here's Emmanuel Adebayor doing his level best to sex up a energy drink which, more likely than not, tastes like watered-down turps and alsowhich, in a strange blast from the past, was advertised on the hoardings at Spurs' Europa League game against Panathinaikos the other night.

Swansea 2-2 Reading – Swans Rally To Stop The Rot As Royals Left Searching For Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea 2-2 Reading Premier League 6th October 2012

Two late Swansea goals rescued a point for the home side at the Liberty Stadium, a point which finally halted Michael Laudrup's losing streak as well as preventing Reading from enjoying their first win of the campaign.

West Brom 3-2 QPR – Baggies Win Again As Hoops’ Horror Show Continues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 3-2 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 6th October 2012

Queens Park Rangers' appalling start to the season continued at the Hawthorns on Saturday, with high-flying West Brom defeating the Hoops 3-2.

James Morrison and then Zoltan Gera had the Baggies two goals up after just 22 minutes as Rangers once again struggled to get into gear.

West Ham 1-3 Arsenal – Giroud Off The Mark As Gunners Nail Hammers At The Boleyn (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-3 Arsenal Premier League 6th October 2012

Arsenal came from a goal down to secure a deserved 3-1 win at Upton Park in the late game on Saturday. Despite having the lion's share of the possession from the start, the Gunners conceded on 21 minutes, when Mohamed Diamé jinked past Carl Jenkinson and Aaron Ramsey before curing a superb shot past Vito Mannone.

Wigan 2-2 Everton – Late Baines Spot-Kick Rescues Point For Toffees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 2-2 Everton Premier League 6th October 2012

Everton's superb start to the season looked like coming unstuck at the DW Stadium on Saturday, only for a late Leighton Baines penalty to secure a share of the points for the Toffees.

Chelsea 4-1 Norwich – Canaries KO-ed At The Bridge By Brilliant Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 4-1 Norwich City Premier League 6th October 2012

With both John Terry and Ashley Cole in the starting 11, Chelsea demolished visitors Norwich on Saturday afternoon, banging in four goals to go four points clear at the top of the table.

Man City 3-0 Sunderland – Citizens Stroll To Easy Win At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-0 Sunderland Premier League 6th October 2012

Manchester City bagged their first clean sheet of the season in the early kick-off on Saturday, comfortably taking care of visitors Sunderland with a 3-1 scoreline.

On five minutes, Aleksander Kolarov netted another free-kick goal to send the Citizens ahead before sub Sergio Aguero and then James Milner netted second-half goals to give Roberto Mancini's side a deserved win.

Arsenal Ban Handshakes At Training Ground, Players Touch Elbows Instead

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By Chris Wright

There's always one man Arsene's willing to waive his handshake ban for

'Tis the season of the handshake scandal and Arsenal are doing there bit, with the club going the whole hog and banning handshakes between EVERY SINGLE PLAYER at London Colney.

Chelsea Fans Struggle With Cesar Azpilicueta’s Name, Just Want To Call Him ‘Dave’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's very simple really...

Ath...Pill...Equator

Snapshot: Neymar Gives His Sexy Udders A Tweak…

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By Chris Wright

For an ice-cream advert, apparently.

(Images: Dirty Tackle/thanks to @Janusztowdry for the tip-off)

#BUNCHOFTWATS – Ashley Cole Lashes Out At FA Over Claims He Tarted Up Terry Evidence

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By Chris Wright

So, it would appear that Ashley Cole hasn't taken the FA's findings over his evidence in the John Terry case particularly gracefully...

Cole was referring to the FA's verdict that he 'modified' some of the evidence he gave in Terry's defence to fit the case presented by Chelsea (adding the word 'black' into a statement if we're reading correctly) the FA independent report suggesting that there werediscrepancies in the evidence originally provided by Cole, compared to the statements he later provided in court.

The Friday Flashback: 20 Brilliant Vintage Panini Football Stickers – Vol #5

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By Chris Wright

The Friday Flashback V: The Face of Death...

Blinded by the light...

Once again, thanks to Old School Panini for letting us plunder their wonderful wares.

Friday Flashback Volume #1
Friday Flashback Volume #2
Friday Flashback Volume #3
Friday Flashback Volume #4

David Villa Wrecks Police Car In ‘Need For Speed’ Advert That Was Banned By Barcelona (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is the 'Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit' advert from a couple of years ago in which David Villa totals a police car with nowt but a football an advert that was buried by Barcelona, who presumably weren't too keen for their €40million signing to be seen as a wanton vandal.

‘Everyone Involved Accepts Mr Terry Is Not A Racist’ – FA Publish Reasons For John Terry Ban

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By Chris Wright

"Anton? Elephant juice!"

You may remember, not so very long ago, that John Terry was issued a four-match ban and stung for 220,000 of his barely-earned squidoodles by the FA after they found him guilty of using 'abusive words in relation to colour or race' toward Anton Ferdinand at Loftus Road last season.

Snapshot: UEFA Really Are Desperate To Boost Europa League Esteem – Issue Prompt Sheet For Clubs To ‘Talk Up’ Tournament

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By Chris Wright

The intrinsic problem with the Europa League is that, by it's very nature, it's a knock-down affair, though UEFA are currently doing their utmost to convince you otherwise even including issuing clubs with pre-prepared 'DISCOVER THE DRAMA' crib sheets to recite from during press conferences.

Gary Lineker Refers To Muslim Prayer Goal Celebration As ‘Eating Grass’ On Al Jazeera TV (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Summing up the midweek Champions League action for Al Jazeera we'll say that again, AL JAZEERA host Gary Lineker was suddenly struck by the compulsion to refer to Montpellier pairKarim Ait-Fana and Younes Belhanda's Muslim prayer goal celebration made popular over here by the likes of Demba Ba as 'eating grass'.

Jose Mourinho Tells Lovely Story About Mario Balotelli (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Jose Mourinho shares a lovely story about Mario Balotelli during their oft-tempestuous time together at Inter Milan...

You can skip to 1:10 on this 'ere video to see the incident in question...

Video: CNN

Udinese’s Giampiero Pinzi Takes Stewart Downing Down Like Lioness Preying On Gazelle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you're going to take someone out, make sure you do it with a bit of panache...

To think, Pinzi's unashamedly blatant take down had ITV wibbler Clive Tyldesley screaming blue murder at the time: "RED CARD!!! VIOLENT CONDUCT!!!"Please, 'twas nothing more than a little piggyback.

Europa League: Newcastle 3-0 Bordeaux – Magpies Too Strong For French Visitors At St James’ (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 3-0 Bordeaux Europa League 4th October 2012

Alan Pardew's Gallic-tinged Newcastle side strolled to a Group D victory at St James' Park, comfortably beating Ligue 1 side Bordeaux 3-0.

Hot-shot Demba Ba was rested for this game, but strikers Shola Ameobi and Papiss Cissé netted a goal in either half, sandwiching Henrique's own-goal on 40 minutes.

Europa League: Liverpool 2-3 Udinese – Rodgers’ Reds Stunned By Bianconeri Comeback (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-3 Udinese Europa League 4th October 2012

Serie A side Udinese came from a goal down to shock Anfield on Thursday night and inflict a 3-2 defeat on Brendan Rodgers' side.

With Steven Gerrard and Luis Suarez, amongst others, on the bench for this Europa League tie, an understrength Liverpool side still dominated the first half, with Jonjo Shelvey netting the opener on 23 minutes.

Europa League: Tottenham 1-1 Panathinaikos – Lilywhites Slip Up In Greece As Pana Bag Late Equaliser (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Panathinaikos 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur Europa League 4th October 2012

Despite dominating this Group J fixture in Athens, Spurs failed to secure all three points against a poor Panathinaikos side.

Michael Dawson headed home the opening goal for the north Londoners on 35 minutes but they just couldn't build on that goal and with just 13 minutes to go, the home side made the most of a rare chance.

British Horseracing Authority Accuse Michael Chopra Of Offering Bribes To Jockey

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By Chris Wright

"Penalty? I'll chuck you a fiver and a bag of lemon bon-bons?"

Ipswich striker Michael Chopra (government name: Rocky Michael Chopra) is one of three footballers who have been accused of offering bribes to jockey Andrew Heffernan following a lengthy investigation by the British Horseracing Authority.

England Squad For San Marino, Poland Qualifiers Announced – Rio Down The Tubes, Fraser Forster & Ryan Shawcross Surprise Inclusions

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By Chris Wright

And the England squad for the upcoming World Cup 2014 qualifiers against San Marino and Poland is as follows...

Goalkeepers: Fraser Forster (Celtic), Joe Hart (Man City), John Ruddy (Norwich)

Defenders: Leighton Baines (Everton), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Ashley Cole (Chelsea), Kieran Gibbs (Arsenal), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Glen Johnson (Liverpool), Joleon Lescott (Man City), Ryan Shawcross (Stoke), Kyle Walker (Tottenham)

Midfielders: Michael Carrick (Man Utd), Tom Cleverley (Man Utd), Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Adam Johnson (Sunderland), Aaron Lennon (Tottenham), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), James Milner (Man City), Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (Arsenal), Theo Walcott (Arsenal)

Forwards: Andy Carroll (West Ham), Jermain Defoe (Tottenham), Wayne Rooney (Man Utd), Danny Welbeck (Man Utd)

So, no Rio though absolutely no-one expected him to be there in the first place, especially anybody who was on the London Underground's Jubilee Line last night.

Football Tat: Newcastle United Create Naff Superhero ‘Whey Aye Man’, Flog Costumes For Cool £50

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By Chris Wright

Following hot on the heels of the official Newcastle United adult romper suit comes this pile of tat. Available for £49.99 from the club shop...

The official Newcastle blurb:

"You've heard of Superman, Spiderman and Batman...

PSG’s Ezequiel Lavezzi Subbed On After 73 Mins, Subbed Off After 80 Mins, Kicks Living Sh*t Out Of Ice Box (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PSG striker Ezequiel Lavezzi was probably well within his rights to throw a bit of a paddy last night, seeing as though Carlos Ancelotti first subbed him on in the 73rd minute, only to haul the Argentinian forward off again just seven minutes later.

A sub getting subbed?

Champions League: Five Suitably Blinding Goals From Last Night (GIFs & Video)

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By Chris Wright

The best of the goals from last night's Champions League to-doings...

1. Eliseu (Malaga) vs Anderlecht...

2. Stephan El Shaarawy (Milan) vs Zenit St. Petersburg...

3. Karim Benzema (Real Madrid) vs Ajax.

Milan Keeper Christian Abbiati Uses Wrists Of Steel To Stop Hulk’s Piledriver Freekick Dead (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He's never really been the most convincing of 'keepers, but Milan's Christian Abbiati is always good for a wonder save ever now and then and the way he stopped Hulk's close-range, 1,000mph freekick dead in its tracks last night was most impressive...

That wasn't the only heroic stop that Abbiati pulled off last night either, there was also some Grade 'A' Spiderman shizzle to behold as the game entered its final stages.

Champions League: Arsenal 3-1 Olympiakos – Sloppy Gunners Still Good Enough To Win At Rainy Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-1 Olympiakos Champions League 3rd October 2012

Looking like they were still suffering a nasty hangover from the weekend's defeat to Chelsea, Arsenal struggled badly in the first-half against Olympiakos. However, the Gunners' new goal-machine Gevinho did put the home side ahead only forKostas Mitroglou to head home the equaliser just before the break.

Champions League: Man City 1-1 Dortmund – Balotelli Penalty Earns City Share Of The Points At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-1 Borussia Dortmund Champions League 3rd October 2012

With only one point from their opening two games, Manchester City now find themselves in serious trouble in the so-called group of death. Roberto Mancini had called tonight's clash with Borussia Dortmund a 'must win game', but the Germans fashioned numerous chances to put City out of sight, only for Joe Hart to come to his side's rescue time and time again.

Grizzly Scenes As Greenock Morton’s ‘Cappie The Cat’ Mascot Kidnapped And Dismembered

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By Chris Wright

Shocking and grizzly scenes are unfolding north of the border, where Greenock Morton's beloved mascot, Cappie The Cat, has been found mutilated and dismembered after being abducted from the club's ground over the weekend.

The thieves targeted the home of Scottish First Division Greenock at some point over the weekend,stealing the Cappie costume as well as a public announcement system from Cappielow Park.

Snapshot: Another Full-Kit Wanker Shows Up In Crowd At Chelsea vs FC Nordsjaelland

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the crowd during Chelsea's 4-0 tonking of FC Nordsjaelland, our second Petr Cech-aping Full-Kit Wanker (again, complete with egg box helmet though it has been self-customised if you look closely) on the bounce ventured out with his FKW-fetishist mate last night.

30 Incredible Photos Of Zlatan And His God-Given Taekwondo Hamstrings

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By Chris Wright

Pies' favouritest Zlatan in the whole wide world is 31 today so we're celebrating with an Ibrahimolancheâ„¢ of 30 photos of the mandemonstratinghis ability toget his feet to angles and altitudes mere mortals can only dream of on account of his celestial taekwondo hamstrings (in chronological order as near as damn it).

Shit Lookalikes: Jonjo Shelvey & ‘Pale Man’ From Pan’s Labyrinth

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By Chris Wright

Absolutely top-drawer, world-class dip of the bread from my old mucker Anthony Lewis right there! Abso-friggin'-lutely love it!

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over at @waatpies.

Leyton Orient’s Dean Cox Booms One In From His Own Half vs Walsall (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Leyton Orient beat Walsall 2-1 on Walsall's patch last night in League One, with Dean Cox putting the visitors 2-0 up on the half-hour mark with an absolute wallop of a strike from a few yards inside his own half...

Couldn't have caught that doozy much sweeter cue the 'long cox/cox buries from deep' puns.

Leaky Championship Referee Stood Down After Arrest Over Suspected FA Computer Hacking

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By Chris Wright

It has emerged that the referee who was due to preside over last night's Championship fixture between Barnsley and Peterborough was relieved of his duties by the FA after being arrested on Sunday over allegations he hacked into the email account of one of his FA colleagues.

Football GIF: David Luiz Pings Picture Perfect Freekick In Off Post vs FC Nordsjaelland

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By Chris Wright

Lovely stuff from Senhor Luiz...

Anyone else see shades of Drogba when Luiz stuck this beauty away last night? Just something in the way Luiz shaped the shot plus the low trajectory of the ball? Perhaps it's just us then.

Camp Drog says.

Not For The Squeamish: Carles Puyol Suffers Nasty Dislocated Elbow vs Benfica (Gruesome Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Carles Puyol, who was making his Barcelona return after shaking off a persistent knee knack, dislocates his elbow after falling heavily and awkwardly during the 78th minute of his side's 2-0 Champions League victory over Benfica last night (WARNING: This one ain't pretty).

Leicester’s Anthony Knockaert Scores Ace Brace vs Huddersfield: 35-Yard Stunner And Impudent Backheel Volley (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Knockaert by name, knockout by nature*...

(*Dreadfully sorry for that. We just couldn't help ourselves.)

Mucho thanks to Pies fan David Boland for the tip-off.

Elaborate ‘Bluff’ Penalty Attempted In Swiss League, Total Hash Made Of It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Grasshopper Zurich 1-0 up, St. Gallen were presented with a fineopportunityto level things in their Swiss Super League clash when they were awarded a penalty with 15 or so minutes of the second half remaining.

Now, a penalty kick is, in its essence, a very simple mechanic and, employed correctly, should provide a relatively foolproof method of scoring a goal.

Retro Football: Young Emile Heskey Appears On ‘Rod Hull & Emu Show’ In 1989, Nails Obstacle Course (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Definitely one for those of a certain vintage now, with a young Emile (or is it pronounced 'Emily'?) Heskey now of the Newcastle United Jets, then of the Leicester Boys' Brigade making an appearance alongside Grotbags on the 'Rod Hull and Emu Show' way back in the primordial mists of 1989.

Champions League: Spartak 2-3 Celtic – Samaras Heads Hoops To First Ever Champions League Away Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Spartak Moscow 2-3 Celtic Champions League 2nd October 2012

A last-gasp Georgios Samaras header secured an historic win for Celtic away in Moscow on Tuesday afternoon. The Scots had taken the lead through Gary Hooper on just 12 minutes, but goals either side of half-time fromEmmanuel Emenike put the home side in front.

Champions League: Cluj 1-2 Man Utd – Van Persie Shoulders The Burden For Red Devils (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

CFR Cluj-Napoca 1-2 Manchester United Champions League 2nd October 2012

Robin Van Persie continued his superb scoring run with a brace away at Cluj on Tuesday night. His first came off his shoulder after he missed a header on the half-hour mark, but his second, which came after the break, was a superb strike.

Bunny-Hopping Mexico Legend Cuauhtemoc Blanco Trolls Fussy Referee With World Class Gurn (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Now aged 39 and playing in the Mexican second division with Dorados, you'll be glad to know that the bunny-hopping icon of France '98, Cuauhtemoc Blanco is still refusing to act his age and disappear into a big beige cloud of middle-aged boring...

One more time, Blanco's finest moment.

Shit Football Ink: Andre Santos Shows Off Wretched New Tattoo At Arsenal Training

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By Chris Wright

Like something written down the side of a 12-year-old girl's (0r Andy Carroll's) Bebo profile, here's a clip of Andre Santos getting his terrible new leg tattoo done (we've had to remove the original photo at the behest of The Sun) which he debuted at Arsenal training this morning.

Jimmy Bullard Comes Out Of 24-Hour Retirement To Become Player-Coach Of Holland

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By Chris Wright

Having called time on his football career at about this time yesterday, former Hull, Wigan, Ipswich and MK Dons midfielder Jimmy Bullard has since come out of retirement to take on a player/coach role with Holland.

Alas, it's not quite the sky-scraping news it might be, as this is Holland FC we're talking about a tiny non-league club who currently play in the Essex and Kent Border League, and Bullard has only signed on as a favour to a mate with Holland club chairman, Mark Sorrell, telling the Daily Mirror:

"Jimmy is a family friend and has agreed to help us out.

Real Madrid Unveil Four Swanky Potential Designs For New Bernabeu Stadium (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid are currently in the process of thinking about remodelingthe Santiago Bernabeu, with president Florentino Perez unveiling four of the impressively nifty, futuristic designs that are in the running as things stand all of which include covered seating for the whole stadium for those drizzly nights in Chamartín.

10 Cracking Vintage Photos Of Sir Trevor Brooking In His Pomp

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By Chris Wright

Sir Trevor of FAshire is 64 today, and to celebrate here's a tensome of absolutely cracking vintage photos pulled from the Pies archive (click for full-size images)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

A 17-year-old Brooking lines up for a West Ham pre-season photocall, 1965

Photos: PA

Football GIFs: Real Madrid Player’s Heads Lovingly Grafted Into ‘Gangnam Style’ Video

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By Chris Wright

Somebody out there in this big, wide world has taken the time to graft several of the Real Madrid players' heads into the video for what we're told is a 'K-Pop sensation', i.e, that god-awful Gangnam Style thing that is currently worming it's insidiously catchy way into the cerebralcortexthrough the ear of every living organism on this god-forsaken planet.

Snapshot: When Alessandro Met Emile…

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By Chris Wright

The A-League's three new amigos (Alessandro Del Piero, Emile Heskey and former Japan international Shinji Ono), arm in arm.

As far as Del Piero and Heskey are concerned, at no point in the intersecting courses of time and destiny were these two men supposed to meet yet here we are.

Exiled Fernando Llorente Walks Out Of Athletic Bilbao Training After Another Row With Marcelo Bielsa (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There was a time, not so very long ago, when Fernando Llorente could do no wrong at Athletic Bilbao. Such was his godliness, Llorente could've skinned and butchered a live, orphaned kitten in the middle of the San Mames pitch before every match and the good people of Bilbao would've probably complimented him on his imperious knife skills.

HJK Helsinki Score With Two Balls On Pitch, Referee Allows Strange Goal To Stand (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to some lightning multi-ball work on the touchlines, Juho Mäkelä ofHJK Helsinki managed to score an equaliser against FC Haka (who have themselves some truly horrible shorts and appear to be managed by Sting) in the FinnishVeikkausliiga while there was two balls on the pitch and two seperate mini meta-matches taking place within the one game.

QPR 1-2 West Ham – Pressure Mounts On Mark Hughes As Hammers Beat The Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-2 West Ham United Premier League 1st October 2012

Following this disappointing home defeat at the hands of West Ham, Mark Hughes' QPR side now sit rock-bottom of the Premier League, with just two points accrued from six games.

‘Sign Da Ting!’ – Arsenal Fans Make Grime Record Urging Theo Walcott To Stay (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

With Alex Song and Robin Van Persie out of the club, Arsene Wenger's Arsenal squad looks a lot more harmonious than it has in quite a while. However, in the fleet-footed form of Theo Walcott, there remains one more potentially wantaway star ye to commit to the club.

Former Hull City Striker Jozy Altidore Scores Crazy Mazy Dribbling Wonder Goal

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By Alan Duffy

US internatioanl striker, once on loan at Hull City, slalomed his way to a superb goal for AZ Alkmaar at the weekend a goal worthy of a bit of Pies' coverage.

In his time with the Tigers, in 2009/10, the New Jersey-born attacker managed just the one goal in 28 appearances in the Premier League.

Football Match Interrupted When Touchline Tornado Leaves Technical Area (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which an unidentified football match (high school/amateur?) is interrupted momentarily when a touchline whips up on the touchline then strays outside its technical area....

Not every day you see this happen, which is probably a good thing really.

Jimmy Bullard: The Greatest Hits

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By Chris Wright

Not that he's contributed much more than diddly squat over the past few years, but Jimmy Bullard has announced his retirement from football at the age of 33 today.

Bullard was playing for the MK Dons after signing a short-term deal in the summer, but has called time on his relatively short career after a specialist told him he looked far too much like Sally Gunnell for his own good his knees could give way permanently at any time.

The Taiwanese Animated Report On John Terry’s Latest Ban Is Pretty Disgusting (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We know you're just about pig sick of these things, but Taiwanese news outlet NMA's animated take on John Terry's latest is notable for just how disgusting it is. It features vacuum-based abortions, pickledfoetuses, crude 'when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much' stuff and some Nazi goose-stepping thrown in for good measure.

Stoke Match Programme Awards Potters Hard-Earned (And Entirely Fictional) Point Against Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

You may remember that Stoke lost 1-0 to Chelsea last weekend thanks to Ashley Cole popping up and dinking one over Asmir Begovic in the 86th minute, though it would appear that the bods responsible for The Potters' matchday programme seem to remember there still being time for a late, late equaliser.

Terek Grozny’s Martin Jiranek Clouts One Into Top Corner From Bloody Miles Out vs Kuban Krasnodar (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Terek Grozny centre-half, Martin Jiranek (a name which may or may not be familiar to Birmingham City fans) absolutely thrashes one in from just past the half-way line against Kuban Krasnodar in the Russian Premier League...

Not bad for a pretty lumpy centre-back, we're sure you'll agree especially from the camera angle behind the goal.

Man Utd Train At Carrington Ahead Of FC Cluj Game, Patrice Evra Goes Incognito As Villainous Alter-Ego ‘Bibface’ (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

So, this happened at Carrington this morning: with Batman now obviously patrolling the Premier League, Patrice Evra unveiled his new supervillain persona, 'Bibface'...

Definitely needs a bit of work, Paddy. If you ain't putting the willies up Fletch, then you ain't putting the willies up Batman.

Serbia U17s Pull Off Insane ‘Triple Nutmeg Dummy’ Corner Set Piece vs Moldova (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Serbia's U17 fledglings had obviously been working on this one on the training pitch for literally minutes the day before their game against Moldova...

Well I never. Turns out it was so goddamn stupid that it actually worked!

Evander Sno Suffers Second On-Pitch Heart Attack In Two Years, Manages To Walk Off Pitch

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By Chris Wright

Former Celtic and Bristol City midfielder Evander Sno had to spend Saturday night in hospital after suffering his second on-pitch heart attack in the space of two years while playing for Dutch side NEC against Feyenoord.

25-year old Sno sank to his knees after half-an-hour having felt a shock in his chest, which it turns out was actually the internal defibrillator he had fitted after suffering his first attack (during an Ajax reserve game in 2010) going off as the result of a small heart wobble.

Fan Laments Sporting Lisbon’s Decline With Brilliant Cover Of Gotye’s ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which dejected Sporting Lisbon fan Diogo Sena laments the slump in his club's fortunes this season (they currently sit mid-table in the Portuguese top flight) with an excellent cover of Gotye's ubiquitous hit 'Somebody That I Used To Know', skillfully altered to reflect his new-found ambivalence towards his beloved side.