Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

Pavel Pogrebnyak Nears Fulham Move, But Can He Break The Trend Of Misfiring Russians In The PL?

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By Alan Duffy


With a name that makes us all thank the stars for 'copy and paste', Â Pavel Pogrebnyak looks set to move to west London in one of the biggest deals so far in this rather moribund transfer window.

The Russian international striker has never been the most prolific of strikers, however, the imposing forward is best utilised as a targetman who can hold up the ball, and he'll no doubt be confident of making a (hard-to-spell) name for himself at Craven Cottage.

Nacional Potosi Striker Erlan Mealla Scores Epic 20-Yard ‘Flailing Reverse Scorpion Volley’ vs The Strongest (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The tail-end of the Bolivian league farted back into life at the weekend and the first goal of the Clausura stage, during Nacional Potosi's 1-0 victory over The Strongest (ace name!) was a bit of a belter and came courtesy of Señor Erlan Mealla, who improvised when a cross was slung in slightly behind him to flash this pearler into the sack of onions with some outrageous technique.

Pires, Crespo, Cannavaro And Er, Peter Reid, Auctioned Off As Indian Premier League Gets Ready For Kick-Off

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By Alan Duffy


"F**king kick him, you ponce" Â Peter Reid, bringing the beautiful game to the India

Trying to break the massive, all-conquering hold cricket has on India ain't gonna be easy, but the organisers of the new Indian Premier League Soccer tournament are doing their best to get the locals interested by getting a number of ex-greats involved.

10 Victims Of The ‘English Premium’ Transfer Fee

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By Chris Wright

Eng-lish Pre·mi·um/ing'liSH ˈprēmēəm/Noun: An amount to be paid on top of any given football transfer fee to recognise the paltry significance of said footballer hailing from these sceptred isles and will hopefully therefore play with 'bags of passion', etc.

Defeated Villa Boss Alex McLeish Tells FA To Act On Van Persie ‘Elbow’

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By Alan Duffy


After watching his side throw away a two-goal in a bizarre seven-minute second-half capitulation at the Emirates, Aston Villa boss Alex McLeish is apparently desperate for some kind of retribution, with Arsenal captain Robin Van Persie firmly in his sights.

Craig Bellamy Warms-Up With The Rubber Band Dance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies' undoubted highlight of the weekend, Craig Bellamy and his rubber band (I think I saw them play at a wedding once) going through a bit of choice choreography on the touchline at Anfield on Saturday...

The sad fact is, some sports scientist somewhere has spent good money running test after test to show that warming-up with a laggy band around the ankles can increase muscle efficiency by 0.

Craig Bellamy Warms-Up With The Rubber Band Dance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies' undoubted highlight of the weekend, Craig Bellamy and his rubber band (I think I saw them play at a wedding once) going through a bit of choice choreography on the touchline at Anfield on Saturday...

The sad fact is, some sports scientist somewhere has spent good money running test after test to show that warming-up with a laggy band around the ankles can increase muscle efficiency by 0.

Carlos Vela Shunted On Touchline, Takes Out Linesman At The Knees (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Carlos Vela, formerly of the Arsenal reserves and now on loan at Real Sociedad, is shunted over on the touchline by Sporting Gijon's Alejandro Galvez during the former club's 5-1 routing of the latter on Sunday evening which, all-in-all, wouldn't have been too much of an issue had the linesman not been 'keeping up with the play' quite so admirably.

Carlos Vela Shunted On Touchline, Takes Out Linesman At The Knees (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Carlos Vela, formerly of the Arsenal reserves and now on loan at Real Sociedad, is shunted over on the touchline by Sporting Gijon's Alejandro Galvez during the former club's 5-1 routing of the latter on Sunday evening which, all-in-all, wouldn't have been too much of an issue had the linesman not been 'keeping up with the play' quite so admirably.

FA Cup: Arsenal 3-2 Aston Villa – Gunners Silence Boo-Boys With Comeback Win At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-2 Aston Villa FA Cup 29th January 2012


With Aston Villa going in at half-time two goals up, Arsene Wenger would no doubt have been preparing himself for a mountain of abuse from the Emirates crowd for the rest of the afternoon.

FA Cup: Sunderland 1-1 Middlesbro – Comeback Kid Campbell Keeps Black Cats In The Cup (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-1 Middlesbrough FA Cup 29th January 2012


Frazier Campbell made a goalscoring return from injury at the Stadium of Light on Sunday, netting the Black Cats' equaliser after 18 months out of action.

FA Cup: Brighton 1-0 Newcastle – Seagulls Shock Goal-Shy Magpies At The Amex (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Brighton & Hove Albion 1-0 Newcastle United FA Cup 29th January 2012


Oh how Newcastle boss Alan Pardew must be counting down the hours 'til his double dose of Dembas, Ba and Papiss Cisse, return to the north-east of England.

Moronic Liverpool Fan Caught Making ‘Monkey’ Gesture At Patrice Evra

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By Chris Wright

Aside from the 17 ejections, two arrests and the fact that, almost entirely in unison, Anfield saw fit to boo a victim of racial abuse at the hand's of one of their own players for the entire game the atmosphere at today's FA Cup tie between Liverpool and Manchester United was just about as placid and tolerant as it was ever likely to be.

FA Cup: Sturridge Dive The Difference As Chelsea Edge Flat West London Derby (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Considering all the pre-match hype concerning Anton Ferdinand and John Terry's long-awaited reacquaintance, you would have thought that the game itself might have fizzled a bit more. However, instead, it was a flat affair, with Juan Mata outstanding out for all the right reasons, and Daniel Sturridge making a name for himself for all the wrong ones.

FA Cup: Liverpool 2-1 Man Utd – Kop Cup Cheer Continues As Flimsy United Fail Anfield Test (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Manchester United FA Cup January 28th


With Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes going head to head with Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher, we could've been back in 2000, although the constant booing of Patrice Evra by the Anfield faithful belonged farther back in the dark ages.

FA Cup: Watford 0-1 Tottenham – Van Der Vaart Rasper Sees Spurs Sneak Through (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

With Tax-dodge McGurk back on the bench after a week in Southwark crown court, a single against-the-run-of-play 25-yard pinger from Rafael van der Vaart saw Tottenham into the Fifth round proper at Vicarage Road last night, despite coming in for an absolute shelling from Watford during the second-half.

Unlucky For Some: Alex Unveiled As PSG’s New No. 13 – But What’s He So Worried About?

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By Chris Wright

After completing his £4.2 million, three-year move to the French capital earlier in the week, former Chelsea centre-half Alex was officially unveiled by Paris Saint-Germain at the Parc des Princes yesterday.

Question is, what's he so worried about? I've got a sneaking suspicion that Leonardo's other hand may be straying 'south of the border' behind that there jersey.

FA Cup: Everton 2-1 Fulham – Toffees Come From Behind To Oust Cottagers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Apologies for the lack of proper match report, but I'm afraid you're going to have to make do with the brass tacks this morning.

The long and short of it is that Everton booked themselves a place in the last 16 of the FA Cup last night, coming from behind to beat Fulham 2-1 at Goodison courtesy of two big headers from two big chaps Denis Stracqualursi (his first goal in English football) and Marouane Fellaini  who got themselves on the end of a pair of excellent Landon Donovan crosses.

Vincent Kompany Tackled By Small Bag During Man City Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short, sweet and does exactly what it says on the tin like Warwick Davis smeared in a mixture of Nutella and Ronseal.

But enough about the sketchbook that got me thrown out of Art College, here's Vincent Kompany Manchester City's erstwhile captain and leader being sent arse-over-teats backwards after being sneaked snuck snaken snook crept up on by a small blue ninja stealth bag during training.

Caption This: Jose Mourinho Lurks In Camp Nou Car-Park To ‘Chat’ With Referee Teixeira

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By Chris Wright

Massive thanks to Pies' fan Nick Sincere for bringing this photo to our attention Jose Mourinho lurking menacingly in the shadows of the underground car-park at the Camp Nou with the express intent of having 'a little chat' with referee Fernando Teixeira after his questionable performance during Wednesday night's El Clasico farrago.

You Call The Shots: Your Club Can Sign One Player Before Transfer Deadline – Who Should It Be?

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By Chris Wright

One player sure to be high on everybody's list, Zat Knight that is

A few players have hithered and thithered about since the turn of the year but, after a fairly dormant month on the transfer front and with only 385,589 precious seconds left until the January window SLAMS SHUT is closed carefully and contentiously by the relevant personnel, we impatient fools at Pies reckon it's high time to start making big things happen in our minds.

Bayern Munich Nark Entire Fanbase With Spectacularly Crap ‘New Signing’ Facebook Stunt

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By Chris Wright

Bayern Munich managed the remarkable feat of pissing off nigh-on their entire fanbase yesterday when a ridiculously misguided attempt at social marketing blew up in their Bavarian faces.

Yesterday morning, Bayern started circulating rumours on various social media sites of a 'big new signing'  that was to be announced at 1pm that very afternoon on the club's official Facebook site.

FA Cup Fourth-Round Predicitions: Liverpool vs Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

Patrice and Luis, in happier times

This weekend is FA Cup fourth-round weekend, and the headline affair is the first meeting between Liverpool and Manchester United since that whole sordid Suarez/Evra ordeal swelled up, became painfully inflamed, burst through the abdominal wall of public consciousness and then scabbed over like a big racist hernia.

Andre Dias Punches Mark Van Bommel In His Temple, Goes Completely Unpunished (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often you find yourself left in the unenviable position of having to sympathise with Mark van Bommel, but during AC Milan's 3-1 Coppa Italia victory over Lazio last night one such instance occurred.

With Lazio 2-1 down and defending a late corner, Brazilian centre-back Dias took an almighty swing at Van Bommel's temples and caught the Milan midfielder with a cowardly blow to the side of the head that left him sprawled on the turf for a couple of minutes.

Andre Dias Punches Mark Van Bommel In His Temple, Goes Completely Unpunished (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often you find yourself left in the unenviable position of having to sympathise with Mark van Bommel, but during AC Milan's 3-1 Coppa Italia victory over Lazio last night one such instance occurred.

With Lazio 2-1 down and defending a late corner, Brazilian centre-back Dias took an almighty swing at Van Bommel's temples and caught the Milan midfielder with a cowardly blow to the side of the head that left him sprawled on the turf for a couple of minutes.

Snapshot: Harry Redknapp’s Illiterate Teamsheet

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By Chris Wright

Seems like our 'Arry's key defence in his tax-swindling trial is that he, and I quote, "writes like a two-year old", "can't spell" and is "the most disorganised man in the world" ergo there's no way he could've diddled Her Majesty (so to speak) out of £189,500.

Costa Rica Womens ‘Keeper Drops Absolutely Naff Clanger vs Canada (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This woman's name is Julieth Arias. She is the No. 1 choice goalkeeper for the Costa Rican womens national side. When Costa Rica need a female goalkeeper, she is the woman they turn to first. She is, by means of extrapolation, the best female goalkeeper in Costa Rica.

‘Wenger Out’ – Rwandan President Tweets That Arsenal Boss Should Quit

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By Alan Duffy


Wenger needs to buy five new players now, and five experienced ones at that...

Where would we be without Twitter? It provides us all with a never-ending conveyor belt of controversy and quirkiness, which us lazy writing types can quickly and easily fashion into a nice little story.

The Cream/Off-White Years: Liverpool Turn Up For FA Cup Final In THOSE Armani Suits, 1996 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What with Liverpool set for their first visit to 'Anfield South' in 16 years by way of their Carling Cup semi-final win over Manchester City last night, we though we'd revisit the last time the club earned themselves a day out at Wembley, i.e, the 1996 FA Cup Final against Manchester United.

Shit Lookalikes: Gary Neville Ejected From Florida Town Hall After Attacking Republican US Presidential Candidate?

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By Chris Wright

While we're on the subject of Gary Neville, do the England rugby bods really want a man who had to be forcibly removed from a town hall after throwing a glitter-bomb at Republican US presidential candidate Rick Santorum during a flesh-presser in Florida the other day to be the man to lecture their troops on national pride and sporting morals?

Gary Neville To Deliver Motivational Speech To England’s Six Nations Rugby Squad

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By Chris Wright

"Well Nick, you've got to hold and give, but do it at the right time..."

English rugby is pretty much in the doledrums following a World Cup campaign that can best be described as a 'fiasco', in which the Rugby Football Union leaked on players, the players leaked on each other and Mike Tindall did a bad thing with a blonde lady in a Queensland bar or so is my limited understanding on the matter.

Possibly The Worst Play-Acting You’ll Ever See: Narcisse Ekanga Fakes Injury vs Senegal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hands up. We've been a bit lapse with our coverage of the African Nations so far. That's going to change as soon as the group stages are over but, for now, you'll have to make do with dribs and drabs including this startling piece of cheatery spotted during co-host nation Equatorial Guinea's dramatic late win to send much-fancied Senegal tumbling out of the tournament yesterday.

Copa Del Rey: Barcelona 2-2 Real Madrid (Agg 4-3) Real Find It ‘Impossible’ To Win At Camp Nou Once Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Shhh!!! Don't look at him. If we're quiet, he may go away"

Despite leading 2-1 from the first-leg and going a further two goals ahead by half-time in the second through Pedro and Dani Alves, Barcelona still found themselves fretting at the Camp Nou as Real Madrid staged a late-ish comeback attempt that saw Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema draw Los Merengues level on the night though it was to be in vain, as Barca eventually held out for the aggregate win that sealed them a berth in the Copa del Rey semi-finals.

Dani Alves’ First-Time Power Screamer vs Real Madrid (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll have a few more bits and bobs from last night's second-leg El Clasico shenanigans over the course of the morning, but for now you'll have to make do with this Dani Alves' angled, first-time, top-corner screamer to put Barca two goals up on the night and three up on aggregate.

Dani Alves’ First-Time Power Screamer vs Real Madrid (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll have a few more bits and bobs from last night's second-leg El Clasico shenanigans over the course of the morning, but for now you'll have to make do with this Dani Alves' angled, first-time, top-corner screamer to put Barca two goals up on the night and three up on aggregate.

Liverpool 2-2 Man City: Determined Reds Book First Wembley Appearance Since 1996 (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-2 Manchester City (Aggregate 3-2) Carling Cup Semi-final 25th January 2012


Liverpool came from behind twice against Manchester City at Anfield to secure a place in the final of the Carling Cup, and their first appearance at Wembley in 16 years.

Boca Juniors Striker Dario Cvitanich Goes Through Pain Barrier In Training…Quite Literally (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during a training session yesterday, Boca Juniors striker Dario Cvitanich runs into and then through the pain barrier in quite the most literal sense largely courtesy of a helpful shove from an over-zealous teammate.

(Warning: there's a wee bit of spilt claret in the video, so if you're of a squeamish disposition it's perhaps better to stare at this picture of kittens for the next few minutes instead.

Snapshot: Captain/Bank Clerk Pablo Infante Held Aloft As Part-Timers Mirandés Reach Copa Del Rey Semi-Finals

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By Chris Wright

There were amazing scenes in Spain last night, where third tier part-timers CD Mirandés beat La Liga side Espanyol 2-1 in injury time at the tiny, 6,000-capacity Anduva Stadium to secure themselves a 4-4 aggregate (away goals) win and a berth in the semi-finals of the Copa del Rey in the process.

Snapshot: Neymar Gets Tin-Foil Statue In Santos Museum

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By Chris Wright

To commemorate his jinky goal against Flamengo winning the 2011 Puskas Award for Goal of the Year recently, 19-year old Neymar has been immortalised with an exhibition in the Santos club museum a display which includes this rather handsome/hideously ugly tin statue of the Brazilian urchin himself, complete with a razor-sharp mohawk which is presumably fabricated from old Fanta cans.

Fabio Capello Eyes Oxlade-Chamberlain For Euro 2012, But Is It Too Early?

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By Alan Duffy


Having found himself in the middle of the Andrei Arshavin/Arsene Wenger booing controversy at the Emirates at the the weekend, teenage winger Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain has apparently now played himself into Fabio Capello's plans for the Euro 2012 finals.

Juventus O.A.P Alessandro Del Piero Scores Top-Corner Pearler vs Roma (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He may be older than time, the universe and Joan Rivers put together, but put Alessandro Del Piero in a position that doesn't require any feat of physical exertion of any kind and he can still produce the old magic, as the Juventus leggenda duly proved with his superb goal during the Old Lady's 3-0 Coppa Italia win over Roma last night his first of the season.

Retro Football: Tony Popovic’s Majestic Classic Own-Goal vs Portsmouth, 2004 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seeing Tony Popovic sat on the Crystal Palace bench against Cardiff last night bought warm memories oozing back of the Croaustraliatian centre-half's finest contribution to the Premier League annals; his majestic hooked own-goal during Palace's 3-1 defeat to Portsmouth at Fratton Park in 2004 a sublime effort that has since seen him become a bit of a Youtube Hall-Of-Famer.

Carling Cup: Cardiff City 1-0 Crystal Palace (3-1 Pens) – Heaton’s Heroics Send City Into The Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

With Palace going into the game with a 1-0 aggregate lead courtesy of centre-back Anthony Gardner, Cardiff levelled the score after just 7 minutes through Palace centre-back Anthony Gardner who somehow got his head down lower than his own feet to power a header past Julian Speroni and in off his own post.

Ex-Man City Star Michael Ball Fined £6,000 By FA Over Homophobic Tweet

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By Alan Duffy


#gobshite #withoutaclub #sixgrandoutofpocket

Once one of the country's most highly-rated young players, 32-year-old Michael Ball has been punished by The FA for an offensive Tweet he sent to Coronation Street star Anthony Cotton.

‘U R Dropped ;)’ – Preston Boss Sends 2am Texts Telling Players They’ve Been Axed

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By Alan Duffy


OMG... Da playrz h8 me... Im a total ****... FFS!!! :(

We've all done it, had a few too many down the pub only to drunkenly text someone, usually an ex or someone we fancy. However, I doubt many of us have sent a late night text informing professional footballers that they had been dropped for the following day's game.

Eric Abidal Visits Local Hospital, Gives £20,000 Rolex Watch To Young Cancer Sufferer

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By Alan Duffy


Forget the roasting and the racism, the diving and the drinking, sometimes footballers can actually be rather nice. And there seems to be no nicer chap in the world of football right now than Barcelona's Eric Abidal.

The 32-year-old French defender, who recovered from liver cancer himself, recentlyvisited a local hospital in Barcelona and was particularly moved by one patient, 15-year-old Juan Garcia.

Peter Crouch To Escape Punishment For Sneaky ‘Finger Of Doom’ Eye Poke On Jonas Olsson (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to keep you abreast of the fact that Peter Crouch has reportedly escaped a three-game game ban and, indeed, will be allowed to get away scot free for his sneak-attack 'finger of doom' eye-poke assault on West Brom centre-back Jonas Olsson's corneas at the Britannia at the weekend a crime that would almost certainly land you with a six-match ban at the very least in a game as uncivilised as rugby.

Ghana Players Jam In Hotel Corridor Before African Cup Of Nations Opener (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the entire Ghana squad amass in a corridor at their team hotel for a morale-boosting jam last night, i.e, the night before their African Cup of Nations 2012 opener against Botswana today (a game currently in progress)...

As our pals over at The FCF have pointed out; could you imagine Messrs Lampard, Gerrard, Terry et al taking up thy tambourines for an impromptu corridor-based boogaloo before a game?

Tackling The Issue: Should Anton Ferdinand Shake Hands With John Terry?

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By Chris Wright

While his club are urging him to, there is still a fair old wodge of uncertainty as to whether Anton Ferdinand will shake John Terry's hand before QPR's FA Cup tie against Chelsea at Loftus Road on Saturday.

As you will be all-too-well aware by now, Terry is due to attend a hearing at West London magistrates court four days after the match on charges of racially abusing Ferdinand after referring to the QPR centre-half as a 'farting black klutz' or something similar when the two sides met in the Premier League back on October 23rd of last year.

WAG Index: Melissa Satta – Gorgeous Italian Model That Gave Kevin-Prince Boateng A Sex Injury (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Footballers don't half have it hard (nudge, nudge). Kevin-Prince Boateng has had an injury-blighted season in Serie A so far, making only 11 starts to date, and is currently a doubt for AC Milan's Champions League tie with Arsenal next Tuesday after suffering a thigh strain last week.

Sean St. Ledger & Kasper Schmeichel Find Love In A Hopeless Place

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By Chris Wright

Like a deleted scene from the airport bit in Love Actually, Leicester City pair Sean St. Ledger and Kasper Schmeichel touch nipples to celebrate their 2-0 win over Southampton last night...

Beautiful.

With love blossoming all around at St.

Football GIF: ‘Arry In Court

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By Chris Wright

I know this is in incredibly poor taste, but a) it's 'Off-Shore Harry' and, b) Â it made my snort boiling tea all over my lap so I don't care...

Thanks to Pies fan Neil for the nudge.

Lionel Messi Scores Hat-Trick vs Malaga, Commentator Ray Hudson Has Quivering Enormogasm (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As your probably aware, Pies suffered a pretty large hack attack yesterday, knocking us off air for almost the entire day hence the reason we're slightly late with this one, but it's a goody so we hope you'll forgive the tardyness.

What we have here is Lionel Messi scoring the third goal of an obligatory, barely-worth-mentioning hat-trick against Malaga on Sunday eve instantly made great by Gol TV co-commentator Ray Hudson (a long-time Pies hero) reaching a point of euphoric climax in the process.

‘There Is No Problem With Wenger’ – Robin Van Persie Defends Controversial Use Of The Words ‘Oh’ And ‘No’

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By Chris Wright

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Remember on Sunday afternoon? Against Manchester United? When Robin van Persie mouthed the words 'oh no' as Arsenal's most enterprising attacking threat was substituted off for Andrey Arshavin? Apparently that was a thing.

Metalist’s Cristian Villagra Scores Titanic Free-Kick vs Dinamo Moscow – 70 Yards, No Bounce (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If I was to tell you that FC Metalist full-back Cristian Villagra scored a direct free-kick from 70 yards against Dinamo Moscow yesterday, you'd probably be envisaging some kind of hit-and-hope effort that gets carried the length of the pitch by the wind, hits a divot, bounces twice over a stranded goalkeeper and nestles soundly in the back of the net.

Snapshot: ‘Pepe, My Son Doesn’t Want Your Shirt’

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By Chris Wright

Seems like the apology worked as it's been confirmed by the Spanish FA that Real Madrid bottom-feeder Pepe won't be punished for stamping on Lionel Messi's hand during the most recent El Clasico tie last week not that the Real Madrid fans themselves are quite so ready to forgive and forget.

Uzbekistan U23s Suffer ‘Pires/Henry-Esque’ Penalty Fail vs Zenit St Petersburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When 'super duper set-piece' penalties go wrong, you tend to end up looking like a bit of a massive great sopping tit as Uzbekistan U23 striker Aleksandr Geynrikh found out to his cost during a friendly game against Zenit St Petersburg last night.

Torquay Defender Dives On Ball And Cradles It, Referee Waves Play On (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Sometimes the world isn't fair. And for League Two Morecambe on Saturday, the world was very very unfair.

After getting the scoreline back to 2-1 in their home clash with Torquay, play-off hopefuls Morecambe pushed for a late equaliser.

Coke-d Up Striker Fights With Captain Over Penalty Kick (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Confidence is vital to a striker, it can turn an Andy Carroll into a Robin Van Persie, or a Fernando Torres into a Clint Dempsey. However, too much belief in yourself and you can, very easily, become a bit of a knob (see Nicklas Bendtner).

Bury centre-forward, Giles Coke, gave us all a prime example of over-confidence in action against Yeovil at the weekend, when he refused to hand over the ball to team captain and designted penalty taker, Steven Schumacher (what great names these lads have!

Arsenal 1-2 Man Utd: Wenger Booed As Welbeck Pinches Victory For United (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

United made it Manchester 2-0 North London in the second of Sunday's super-duper all-singing-all-dancing encounters, beating Arsenal 2-1 at the Emirates to whittle City's lead at the summit of the Premier League back down from six points to three.

Man City 3-2 Tottenham: Balotelli Stamps His Authority As Last-Ditch Penalty Sinks Spurs (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Given that he really shouldn't have been on the pitch by that time, Tottenham had every right to feel absolutely bloody eviscerated at the final whistle seeing as Mario Balotelli both won and then subsequently rolled home a 95th-minute penalty to nab all three points for Man City with the final touch of the game at the Etihad.

Football GIF: Mario Balotelli Stamps On Scott Parker’s Face

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By Chris Wright

In which, shortly before scoring the winning penalty in Man City's at-the-buzzer victory over Tottenham yesterday afternoon, Mario Balotelli for reasons unknown quite obviously rakes his studs down Scott Parker's Tibetan Fox face...

Not our Mario's finest moment.

Zambia’s Kennedy Mweene Makes First Hilarious Goalkeeping Error Of The African Nations (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The African Cup of Nations saw it's first (of many, if previous tournaments are anything to go by) ridiculous goalkeeping ricket during Zambia's shock 2-1 win over Senegal last night with Zambian 'keeper Kennedy Mweene dropping a big hairy bollock at the end of the first half, playing fast and loose with the rules governing the size of his goal area when mopping up after a free-kick.

Michael Duberry Scores Ridiculously Imperfect ‘Perfect Hat-Trick’ vs Hereford (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oxford United's veteran centre-back Michael Duberry was in rare old form against Hereford yesterday afternoon, scoring the perfect hat-trick (one left, one right, one head) in his side's 2-2 draw at the Kassam.

You may have noticed that the maths doesn't quite add up there and with good reason.

New Barcelona 2012/13 Kit Leaked… And It’s Hideous (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

A couple of days after Spanish site Sport.es reported that they had received exclusive mock-ups of the fairly hideous designs for Barcelona's new kits for next season (above), designs which look suspiciously like they may have been drawn up using the colour fade tool on Corel Draw 3.

Sunderland 2-0 Swansea: Black Cats’ Revival Continues As Swans Struggle On The Road Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-0 Swansea City Premier League 21 January 2012


Despite dominating for large periods of the game, Swansea's lack of a cutting edge would cost them dear against a Sunderland side who to continue to flourish under Martin O'Neill.

Stoke 1-2 West Brom: Battling Baggies Secure First League Win Of 2012 As Potters Go Flat (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 21st January 2012


West Brom secured a vital three points away at a blustery Britannia against a Stoke side who never really got into their stride.

Everton 1-1 Blackburn: Resurgent Rovers Make Their Point At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 21 January 2012


Steve Kean's Blackburn produced another impressive performance at Goodison on Saturday, securing a fully deserved point.

Both sides threathened early on, with Rovers' Scott Dann seeing his header come back off the woodwork.

Wolves 2-3 Aston Villa: Two-Goal Keane Comes Back To Haunt Molineux (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 Aston Villa Premier League 21 January 2012


Joining the procession of MLS stars getting in a bit of off-season action in the Premier League, LA Galaxy striker Robbie Keane returned to the home of his first professional club, only to help send Wolves to a 3-2 defeat.

QPR 3-1 Wigan: Revitalised Rangers Climb Out Of Drop-Zone As Wigan Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 3-1 Wigan Athletic Premier League 21 January 2012


After seeing his side produce an impressive performance against Wigan at Loftus Road on Saturday afternoon, new QPR boss Mark Hughes surely wouldn't have cared what his players were Tweeting about.

Fulham 5-2 Newcastle: Dempsey A Delight As Magpies Collapse At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 5-2 Newcastle United Premier League 21 January 2012


"I gave a free-kick against you because I hate you and your big head of lovely big hair"

Newcastle were always going to face their biggest test when the Africa Cup Of Nations robbed them of two of their star performers this season, Demba Ba and Cheik Tioté, and judging on today's result, the Magpies could face a difficult month.

Bolton 3-1 Liverpool: Reds Make Pig’s Ear Of Trotters Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 3-1 Liverpool Premier League 21 January 2012


Starting without a genuine defensive midfielder was always going to leave the visiting Reds somewhat vulnerable at the Reebok. Still,with Steven Gerrard orchestrating things from midfield and Bolton ensconced in a relegation battle, Kenny Dalglish and co.

Norwich 0-0 Chelsea: Blunt Blues Struggle Against Well-Drilled Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 0-0 Chelsea Premier League 21 January 2012


Chelsea failed to make much ground on third-placed Tottenham at Carrow Road on Saturday, after playing out a rather disappointing goalless draw with Norwich City.

Norwegian TV Show Introduces ‘Bubble Football’ To The World (Video)

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By Chris Wright

From the same folks (Norwegian TV show Golden Goal) that bought the world Electroshock Football comes 'Bubble Football', in which professional sides Sarpsborg and Fredrikstad square off inside huge plastic bubbles with as much physical contact as possible encouraged.

‘It’s All Twitter’s Fault’ – Neil Warnock Blames Social Media For Getting Him The Sack At QPR

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By Alan Duffy


"Re-Tweet this son you're f****n' s**t"

Hell hath no fury than a spurned football manager, particularly if it's Neil Warnock. The ex-QPR boss, who tends to divide opinion (people either strongly dislike him or hate him), has hit out at the influence of critics and players on owner Tony Fernandes, claiming that his own reputation was "slowly poisoned" by outside forces with Twitter playing a key role in his downfall.

The Worst Nigel De Jong Tattoo You’re Ever Likely To See

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By Chris Wright

The pernicious back acne makes it...

Via the excellent On The Edge Of Sanity

Inter Milan’s Maicon Scores Fantastic 25-Yard Howitzer With Virtually No Run-Up vs Genoa (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember Maicon? He was the best thing since sliced mustard a few year's back until having his innocence forcibly taken by Gareth Bale that night in Milan at least, that's what Tottenham fans would have you believe.

Anyway, the Brazilian full-back whose name I haven't heard in months and months scored an absolute corker during Inter's 2-1 Coppa Italia quarter-final win over Genoa last night, pinging home an absolute beauty from 25+ yards with the outside of his foot and with only trace amounts of a 'run-up' to speak of.

‘Hurting A Colleague Never Entered My Mind’ – Pepe Apologises For ‘Accidental’ Stamp On Messi’s Hand

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By Chris Wright

Hallelujah! Saint Pepe has apologised for crushing Lionel Messi's fingers on Wednesday night and guess what? He didn't mean it, honest guv...

Here it is again in good ol' fashioned 'written down' format for posterity's sake using the PA's translation:

"I wish to say yesterday's incident with Leo Messi was unintentional, but I nevertheless want to apologise to him if he was offended because all I do is defend my team and this institution.

Top 100 Goals Of 2011 In The Space Of 16 Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Does exactly what is says on the tin; The top 100 goals of 2011 all tethered together in a neat little video package. You may well disagree with the ordering, but it's best to enjoy it for what it is a thorough retrospective of a great year for great goals.

Arsenal Players Appear In Weird ‘Moving Photo’ Adverts For Citroen (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What we have here is Arsenal trio Mikel Arteta, Laurent Koscielny and Robin van Persie posing in a clutch of brilliant but slightly creepy 'moving photographs' (or 'cinemagraphs' to give them their proper name) for Citroen.

The effect is really quite weird an otherwise static photo, just with the slightest hint of movement here and there.

Valencia Fan Bounces Ball Off Player’s Head, Gets Carted Off By The Police

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By Alan Duffy


A bit of good-natured tomfoolery or an assault with a (not-so) deadly weapon? Well, the local Spanish Old Bill took the latter view after seeing a Valencia fan cheekily bounce the ball off the head of Levante goalkeeper Gustavo Munua.

Arsenal & Man Utd Stars To Wear ‘Twitter’ Boots To Support Nike’s #makeitcount Campaign (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What with Euro 2012 and the London Olympics crowning over the horizon, Nike are currently running a Twitter campaign called 'Make It Count' which sees several of their footballers and athletes (Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, Jack Wilshere, Mo Farah, Paula Radcliffe, Mark Cavendish, etc) attempting to inspire sportsfolk of all levels and abilities to pull their fingers out, push on and make this year.

‘I’d Love To Captain Team GB’ – David Beckham Eyes Olympic Glory

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By Alan Duffy

Phwoar!

He may be well and truly into the autumnal phase of his career, however, at 36-years-old, David Beckham still has a craving for footie with a place in Stuart Pearce's Team GB side at the Olympics top of his to-do list.

David De Gea May Require Eye Surgery, Jokes Write Themselves

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By Chris Wright

"Umm...R?"

According to the Guardian, David De Gea may need laser eye surgery at the end of the season to correct his long-sightedness.

The Spaniard has worn glasses all his life and currently plays in contact lenses to correct his vision, though Manchester United's in-house optometrist has apparently recommended that he be pencilled in for surgery this summer after putting it off while still at Atletico Madrid last March.

Juventus Fans Attempt To Sell Naff Striker Amauri On Ebay, Bidding Reaches €10m

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By Chris Wright

Since signing from Palermo for a shade under £19 million back in 2008, it's fair to say that Amauri has contributed the square root of f**k all to the Juventus cause. Barring a fairly decent goal-to-game ratio in debut season, he's been in Layman's Terms dire and, as such, has been informed by Juve that he is 'free from any obligation vis-a-vis the club commencing from January 2012′ and 'no longer included in the new technical programme'.

Man City’s FA Youth Cup Whupping Of Swindon Sees Lovely 25-Pass Team Goal, 40-Yard Thundercracker & Impeccable Volley Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City's U18s whupped their Swindon Town counterparts 4-1 in the FA Youth Cup last night, with the game playing host to a trio of excellent (for one reason or another) goals.

After going two-nil up early on, City's third goal started the ball rolling when a 25-pass tippy-tappy (it's the English version of tiki-taka, i.

Snapshot: The ‘Proudest Moment’ Of Chris Coleman’s Career

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By Chris Wright

Just a few photos of the 'proudest moment' Chris Coleman's career; his official unveiling as the new Wales manager at an FAW press conference at St David's Hotel in Cardiff a couple of hours ago...

Said Coleman on taking the job:

"We're still all shocked by what happened [with Gary Speed] and we're still grieving and the only way we can put smiles on fans' faces again is to continue to win matches but I don't think we'll ever get over the loss of Gary.

‘Abidal’s Onto This Like Dracula Onto A Plate Of Liver!’- El Clasico Highlights With Ray Hudson Commentary (Video)

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By Chris Wright

God love GOL TV's excitable Geordie wordsmith...

A personal highlight:Â "Waaah! JUNGLE CAT!"

Video: Barca HD

FIFA Finally Stand Up For What’s Right – There Shall Be Beer At The 2014 World Cup!

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By Chris Wright

"Carling or Becks? Carling...or Becks? Budweiser!"

FIFA, eh? Watching over us all with ever-loving grace. Fighting the good fight. Tackling the real issues that threaten to undermine our beloved game with feverish haste and ruthless efficiency.

Shit Lookalikes: Vincent Kompany & Kanamit From ‘The Twilight Zone’

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By Chris Wright

Rather proud of this one as it goes...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field or Tweet it over to us as @waatpies if you think you're hard enough.

Chris Coleman Named As Gary Speed’s Successor – Handed Wales Job Under ‘Difficult’ Circumstances

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By Chris Wright

The Welsh FA have just confirmed that Chris Coleman will be the new manager of the Welsh national side, following the tragic death of former incumbent Gary Speed in November of last year.

Chief executive Jonathan Ford announced the decision a short while ago, admitted it had understandably been a tough few months for the FAW:

"This has been a very difficult process.

Liverpool Sign New Record-Breaking Kit Deal With Warrior Sports

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By Chris Wright

This is a mock-up, before anyone gets too excited

Liverpool have announced this morning that, as of next season, their kit suppliers will no longer be Adidas (after eight years of service) and, as of this summer, will be American bods Warrior Sports.

Copa Del Rey: Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona – Fearsome Strike Duo Abidal & Puyol Give Barca Upper Hand (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"I fart in your general direction!"

Eric Abidal's second goal in over five seasons at the club saw Barcelona come from behind to snatch the victory in last night's Copa del Rey quarter-final first-leg El Clasico in the Bernabeu.

Pepe Does ‘A Pepe’ – Real Madrid Scumbag Stamps On Messi’s Hand During El Clasico (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during last night's Copa del Rey quarter-final first-leg El Clasico in Madrid, Real Madrid's in-house butcher Pepe indulged in a spot of what he loves to do the bestest stamping on Lionel Messi's hand as the Barca tyke sat on the turf after being barrelled over by Jose Callejon.

Zenit Striker Danny Powers Six-Yard Sitter Into Orbit High Above Dubai (Video)

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By Chris Wright

All of a sudden and as unlikely as it may seem, Forest's Robbie Findley finds himself with some strong competition for the 'rubbish miss of the day' honours in the guise of Zenit striker Danny who really fnarked things up against Bunyodkor in the 2012 Dubai Matchworld Cup last night.

A Hat-Trick Of Hatters For The Blues As Chelsea Sign Three Brothers From Luton Town

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By Alan Duffy


Blues Brothers...

All blessed with good footballing names, Rio, Cole and Jay Dasilva are the latest youngsters to be snapped up by the big boys, after the Luton Town youth players were signed up by Chelsea, each for a five-figure sum.

Ex-Celtic Star Shunsuke Nakamura Hits A Ball Through The Window Of A Moving Bus (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Now playing in his homeland for Yokoham F Marinos, midfielder Shunsuke Nakamura, formerly of Celtic and Espanyol, has been showing off his famed dead-ball expertise on Japanese telly, by directing a football through the window of a moving bus.

Why? I'm not exactly sure.

Man City Plan To Use Owen Hargreaves As Pitchside Cameraman During Games

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By Chris Wright

"You want me to wear a what now?"

The jokes kind of write themselves here, but Manchester City have announced that bench-bound midfielder Owen Hargreaves is to have a camera strapped to him 'Sub Cam' as they've called it during their next few home Premier League games, with the pitchside footage then broadcast live on the club's official Youtube channel, with edited highlights available on the following Monday.

10 Footballers That Just Look Far, Far Too Old

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By Chris Wright

After being genuinely taken aback by some stunning 'Pablo Zabaleta's year of birth'-related trivia in the pub last night (more on that later), Pies have cobbled together a list of ten currently active footballers that just look far, far too old for dates on their birth certificates.

Benfica Double Act Maxi Pereira & Axel Witsel Debut Sneaky Throw-In Ruse (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Time for a cunning stunt now, in which Benfica ne'er-do-wells Maxi Pereira and Axel 'not Alex' Witsel debut their new 'Just tying my laces, honest guvnor!' throw-in trick against Vitoria Setubal...

Ooh, you sneaky devils!

"Why I oughta.

UEFA Name Their ‘Team Of 2011′ – Gareth Bale The Only Premier League Player Included

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By Alan Duffy


Those overpaid, underworked suits ensconced in the plush environs of Geneva have taken time out from their golf outings and gala receptions to put together their team of the year for 2011 which has been compiled from over 4.

Top 10 Photos: FA Cup Third Round Replays

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the stills from last night's FA Cup third round replay action...

ITV's punditry panel Matt Smith, Gordon Strachan and Ian Wright watch over QPR's game against the MK Dons from deep within the bowels of their elevated glass fortress at a sparsely populated Loftus Road

New QPR manager Mark Hughes gives the home crowd a wave before taking his place in the Loftus Road dugout for the first time

Obviously not used to moving at these speeds, a terrified Kevin Davies motors past Macclesfield Town's Tony Diagne at the Reebok.

Nottingham Forest’s Robbie Findley Pulls Off Pathetic Horror Miss vs Leicester City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Forest got stuffed 4-0 at Leicester City in the FA Cup third round replay last night. Safe to say, I don't want to talk about. Quite honestly, it could've been double figures had Leicester not had the good grace to stop playing for the last half-an-hour.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before: Mario Balotelli Walks Into A University Library…

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By Chris Wright

After reportedly pulling up at a petrol station in Manchester last weekend and treating everyone on the forecourt to a full tank of car juice, it seems that Mario Balotelli has been sharing the wealth once again moseying into the The John Rylands University Library (JRUL) at the University of Manchester yesterday afternoon and offering to pay off any overdue book fines for the students therein.

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One Before: Mario Balotelli Walks Into A University Library…

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By Chris Wright

After reportedly pulling up at a petrol station in Manchester last weekend and treating everyone on the forecourt to a full tank of car juice, it seems that Mario Balotelli has been sharing the wealth once again moseying into the The John Rylands University Library (JRUL) at the University of Manchester yesterday afternoon and offering to pay off any overdue book fines for the students therein.

European Football Geography According To Carlos Tevez

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By Chris Wright

Made I laugh, so it did...

Via Reddit

Prince William Gives Honest And Frank Assessment Of Alex McLeish (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short and sweet. Our nation's prematurely balding monarch-in-waiting Prince William an Aston Villa fan by trade (look, he even has a hat!) giving a heckler his honest and frank assessment of former Brum manager Alex McLeish's appointment as Villa boss back in the summer while clambering into his car.

Hatem Ben Arfa Faces Legal Action After Claiming French Rapper Lured Him Into Religious Cult

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By Alan Duffy


Hatem Ben Arfa, the Magpies' diminutive young winger is to be sued by rapper and fellow countryman Abd Al Malik after the French international claimed that, many moons ago, the musician had led him into an Islamic sect.

Indian Defender Destroys Own ‘Keeper With Two-Footed Torpedo, Gifts Goal To Cocky Striker (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often we get to share 'highlights' from Indian football, but this little gem from the I-League merits a mention. East Bengal spanked Pailan Arrows 4-1 last Tuesday, with the home side's third goal of the afternoon being well worth another look.

‘Quakers Player For £17.99′ – Darlington Administrators Take Fire Sale Too Far?

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By Chris Wright

As you may or may not know, 128-year old Blue Square Premier side Darlington FC have had to sack their management team and playing staff and are teetering on the verge of extinction after going into administration for the third time in less than a decade largely thanks to the utterly ridiculous £20-million, 25,000-seater 'Darlington Arena' stadium that former chairman and tax-dodger George Reynolds paid through the nose for a few years previous.

‘We’ve Been Offered Torres, Berbatov And Pavlyuchenko’ – PSG Boss Carlo Ancelotti Has His Pick Of Prem Stars

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By Alan Duffy


Paris-bound?

Filthy stinking rich and proud of it, Paris St Germain are now loaded enough to bid for any player on the planet, courtesy of the Qatar Investment Authority. And, according to new boss Carlo Ancelotti, the agents of some of the Premier League's most high-profile strikers have been beating down his door, looking to secure their clients a lucrative contract in the French capital.

John Terry Thwacked In Gentleman’s Vegetables On Visit To Local School (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which brave John Terry has his plums express-ripened thanks to a point-blank, crotch-seeking missile from a diligent pupil during a charitable visit to The Abbey, a special school for kids with learning difficulties in Farnham, Surrey.

Skip to the 1:38 mark for the moment of magic.

Christopher Samba Hands In Transfer Request At Blackburn, But Where To Next?

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By Alan Duffy


Undoubtedly one of the most consistent defenders in the Premier League over the past few years, Christopher Samba has finally decided to leave Blackburn Rovers, handing in a transfer request at the struggling club.

Now 27-years-old, the goal-scoring centre-back is in his prime and no doubt wants to escape the negativity pervading Ewood Park.

Football’s Nostalgia Trips: Won’t Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

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By Greg Evans

Over the course of the past few weeks, the footballing headlines have read a little something like this: 'Henry comes of the bench to seal win for the Gunners'; 'Star striker Robbie Keane signs for Aston Villa'; 'Scholes goal spurns United on to victory', 'Carlton Palmer makes himself available for England Euro 2012 duty', etc , etc.

Maynor Figueroa’s Subtle, Barely-Noticeable Leaping Handball Block vs Man City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This probably isn't going to stay up for very long, but here we have Wigan full-back Maynor Figueroa pulling off one of the most brazenly ridiculous handballs for quite a while as, with a matter of minutes left to play against Man City last night, the Honduran leaps like a salmon to blatantly swat a bouncing ball away with Sergio Aguero poised to scamper in on the Wigan goal from 45-odd yards out.

Sergio Aguero Has Solo Wondergoal Scotched By Edin Dzeko’s Heroic Last-Ditch Tackle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems like it was a bit of a rough old night for Sergio Aguero at the DW. Not only was he robbed of a clear goal-scoring opportunity by a flailing Honduran, Kun also saw a bobbing, weaving solo wondergoal nipped in the bud ten minutes from time.

After flitting his way past three Wigan defenders, Aguero finally set himself to pull the trigger before the crucial block was made, courtesy of a last-ditch interception by a big, awkward Bosnian lummox by the name of Edin Dzeko a man, it should be pointed out, who is also employed by City.

Arsenal Look To Robin Van Persie’s Five-Year Old Son To Strengthen Fragile Squad

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By Alan Duffy


Gooners desperately hoping that Arsene Wenger will finally open his dusty old cheque book and splash out on Klaas-Jan Huntelaar or Lukas Podolski might have to hold that thought, as, according to the Guardian, the Arsenal boss is keen on signing up Robin Van Persie's five-year-old boy, Shaqueel (surely he'll be a basketball player?

Wigan Athletic 0-1 Manchester City: Dzeko Heads Home At The DW Stadium, As City Go Clear At The Top (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 0-1 Manchester City Premier League 16th January 2012

An Edin Dzeko header midway through the first-half was enough to give Manchester City a win at the DW Stadium on Monday night, a victory that puts them three points clear of rivals Man United at the top of the table.

Arsenal Look To Robin Van Persie’s Son To Strengthen Their Fragile Squad

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By Alan Duffy


Gooners desperately hoping that Arsene Wenger will finally open his dusty old cheque book and splash out on Klaas-Jan Huntelaar or Lukas Podolski might have to hold that thought, as, according to the Guardian, the Arsenal boss is keen on signing up Robin Van Persie's five-year-old boy, Shaqueel (surely he'll be a basketball player?

Hey Look! It’s Klaas-Jan Huntelaar In A Miner’s Helmet!

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By Chris Wright

With the Bundesliga currently ensconced on their mid-season break, Schalke 04 took the opportunity to send their players 1,000 metres below the surface of the Earth on a tour of the Auguste Victoria coal mine in Marl, Germany what with the club originally being founded by miners back in 1904 and all.

Newcastle 1-0 QPR: Leon Best Ensures Sparky Gets Off To Worst Start Possible…Sorry (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

First things first: Sincere apologies for that god-awful pun. I tried to rise above it, and failed. Miserably.

Anyway, Newcastle inflicted defeat upon Mark Hughes in his first game in charge of QPR, with a neat solo effort from Demba Ba's deputy Leon Best proving to be the difference between the two sides at the Sports Direct 80% Off Insane Spring Sale Arena.

Snapshot: Large Cracks Start To Appear In Swansea’s Corner-Taking Routine

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By Chris Wright

Congratulations Sir. You've just successfully broadcast your hairy crevice to an audience of millions. Good job...

Oh to be a Liberty Stadium steward.

Japanese Girl Shows Us All How We Can Look Exactly Like Leon Best (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is, quite simply, the most confusing and harrowing thing I've ever seen on the internet...

'Thanks' (in the loosest possible terms) to Pies fan Luther for the tip-off.

Swansea 3-2 Arsenal: Wenger Left Blaming All And Sundry As Swans Sashay Into Top-Half (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Arsene Wenger was left blaming the referee, Nathan Dyer's sapling legs, his own porous defence, his own wayward attack and the poor bloke that ladles out the Bovril at the Liberty Stadium after watching his Arsenal side have their top-four aspirations kicked squarely in the nads in South Wales yesterday evening.

Snapshot: Nathan Dyer Rubs It In

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By Chris Wright

He may well have dived like...well, like a swan to procure the penalty that led to Scott Sinclair cancelling out Robin van Persie's opener from the spot, but Nathan Dyer's third goal in as many games went part-way toward Swansea 'beating Arsenal at their own game' (© every single national newspaper) at the Liberty yesterday and it appears that the tiny 6-stone halfling wasn't shy in rubbing it in.

West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Norwich City: Canaries Continue To Fly As Baggies Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-2 Norwich City Premier League 14th January 2012

What a superb season Norwich City, newly-promoted to the top tier, are having. Finding themselves in ninth-place, only eight points off a European place, Paul Lambert and co.

Blackburn Rovers 3-1 Fulham: 10-Man Rovers Battle Past Cottagers And Move Out Of Drop-Zone (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers 3-1 Fulham Premier League 14th January 2012

Steve Kean watched his side produce a superb battling performance at Ewood Park on Saturday, a performance which ultimately moved Blackburn out of the relegation zone for the first time since September.

Aston Villa 1-1 Everton: Villa Struggle At Home Again As New Look Toffees Make Their Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-1 Everton Premier League 14th January 2012

Alex McLeish's Villa side once again struggled in front of their home fans, drawing with Everton to make it just three wins out of 10 home league fixtures for the Villans.

Pies Exclusive: The Real Reason For Gary Lineker’s ‘Match Of The Day’ Autocue Freeze (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Those of you who watched Match of the Day last night will be well aware that, while introducing West Brom vs Norwich, something 'went wrong' with Gary Lineker's autocue that caused him to freeze up live on air for what seemed like an age at the time.

Shit Lookalikes: Steve Morison & Plug From ‘The Bash Street Kids’

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By Chris Wright

Not one that I'd be willing to share with Morison in person. He may look a bit like Percival Proudfoot Plugsley thanks to his 'ears on stalks' arrangement, but he also looks like the kind of guy that gets very 'headbutty' very quickly.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Football GIF: Michael Carrick’s Superb Inch-Perfect Pass To Danny Welbeck vs Bolton

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By Chris Wright

He may be a bit of a luxury player at times, but when Michael Carrick gets it right it's usually a treat to watch just look at the arc on this beauty, putting Danny Welbeck through on goal with a sumptuous 25-yard needle-threading pass against Bolton yesterday.

Van Der Vaart Gets ‘Frimponged’ In The Face From Point-Blank Range vs Wolves (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You've been Frimponged...

Video: 101GG

Chelsea 1-0 Sunderland: Resurgent Black Cats Push Blues All The Way At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-0 Sunderland Premier League 14th January 2012

Ghanaian midfielder Michael Essien returned to first team duty for Chelsea against Sunderland on Saturday, making a welcome substitute appearance after missing the first half of the season with a cruciate ligament injury.

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City: Toothless Reds Stumble To Yet Another Anfield Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City Premier League 14th January 2012

Another Anfield fixture, another draw. Liverpool made it seven draws out of 11 home league games this season after failing to penetrate a hard-working Stoke backline on Saturday.

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers: Focused Wolves Take A Bite Out Of Spurs’ Title Hopes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 14th January 2012

Much has been written and spoken in recent weeks about Tottenham's title burgeoning title credentials. However, against Wolves at White Hart Lane, the Lilywhites somewhat struggled to live up to the hype, producing a disappointing display in front of their home fans.

Manchester United 3-0 Bolton Wanderers: Scholes On Song As Trotters Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 3-0 Bolton Wanderers Premier League 14th January 2012


Starting for the first time since his surprise emergence from retirement, Paul Scholes made it 18 Premier League seasons (out of 18) Â in which he's scored after netting the opener against Bolton, with the goal coming just before the break.

Snapshot: Carlos Valderrama’s Hometown Statue Is Glorious, Has Super Noodles For Hair

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By Chris Wright

Paging Mr M. Al Fayed. This fantastic statue of Carlos 'El Pibe' Valderrama outside the football stadium in his hometown of Santa Marta, Colombia is a lesson in carrying off hero worship with a dash of panache...

I can't believe this 22-foot tall bronze beauty has never invaded my consciousness before.

‘Steven Gerrard Could Be Liverpool’s Best-Ever Player’ – King Kenny Bigs Up His Captain

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By Alan Duffy

Fresh from signing a contract extension with his one and only club, Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has found himself on the end of some lovely praise from his manager.

Kenny Dalglish has claimed that the 32-year-old Gerrard, recetnyl returned from a long-term injury, could play on for another seven years and may go on to be considered the greatest player ever to wear a Liverpool shirt.

Raul Arrives At Schalke Training To His Very Own Theme Tune (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is quite sweet. While making his way into the club's training ground, Raul is handed a CD by a group of Schalke fans. The CD contains a version of the 'theme tune'  - a chant titled 'Señor Raul' - they had recorded themselves.

Raul then proceeds to play the CD on the short drive through to the pitches, singing along and waving his fingers merrily, before cranking up the volume just before the final turn and cruising into the car park with his own theme song blaring from his car.

Competition: WIN! A Pair Of Lionel Messi’s Super Swish Gold AdiZero F50 Boots!

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By Chris Wright

It's competition time here again on Pies folks, and this prize is going to take some beating!

As you'll be aware, Lionel Messi nabbed his third-straight Ballon d'Or gong earlier this week, and to celebrate Adidas have produced a very special pair of boots for him to wear during Barcelona's La Liga tie against Real Betis on Sunday.

Snapshot: Darron Gibson Unveiled By Everton, Will Wear No.4 Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Nothing more, nothing less. Just a few photos of Darron Gibson holding his new club colours aloft (he's been allocated Joseph Yobo's old No. 4 shirt at Goodison) after completing his £1 million yes, Everton have spent real, non-Monopoly money on someone!

Top XI: Most Despicable Premier League Horror Tackles

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By Chris Wright

Given the current penchant for the two-footed Exocet-style challenge as favoured by Glen Johnson among others, here is Pies' pick of the XI worst, shin-splintering, sinew-shredding, ligament-twanging, bone-flaking tackles to ever take place on a Premier League pitch (that we could find corresponding videos for).

Darron Gibson Moves To Goodison For £1million: A Good Deal For Everton Or An Even Better One For Man Utd?

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By Alan Duffy


Despite Manchester United's lack of depth in central midfield, Darron "with an 'o' " Gibson has been shipped off to Everton, for a reported fee of £1million. The Irishman's four and a half year deal with the Toffees comes after not long after the Republic of Ireland midfielder was fined by Sir Alex Ferguson, after a Boxing Day night out with team-mates Wayne Rooney and Jonny Evans had left the players unfit for training for the following morning.

Athletic Bilbao’s Gaizka Toquero Scores Outrageous Backheel Goal vs Albacete (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Athletic Bilbao tonked third-tier side Albacete (bit of trivia: Andres Iniesta is the club's majority shareholder) 4-0 in the Copa del Rey at the San Mames last night, with the third goal of the night being scored by forward Gaizka Toquero a man who, to quote Wikipedia, is 'blessed with few technical skills but is a tremendous hard-worker'.

Mario Balotelli Gets Caught Short, Pops In To Local School To Use The Toilets

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By Alan Duffy


The usually "too cool for school" Man City star Mario Balotelli was grateful to make use of the local educational facilities of a Manchester school on Thursday lunhctime, after the superstar was left in desperate need of a wee-wee.

Shit Lookalikes: Gary Lineker Masquerades As ‘Philip Weider From Germany’ On American Chat Show

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By Chris Wright

Spotted on the Late Late Show the other night, the BBC's velvet owl Gary Lineker making his US chat show debut under the assumed identity of a German student named Philip Weider only to be rumbled almost immediately by host Craig Ferguson...

Sensational spot from @MancTactics.

‘Whale Tea, Sea Cake And Frosties!’ – Mancini vs Gerrard Tunnel Spat Audio Emerges

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By Chris Wright

This audio has comes round the houses via the Beeb, and details the 'tunnel spat' ('chat' is somewhat closer to the mark) that Roberto Mancini and Steven Gerrard engaged in following yesterday's Carling Cup semi-final first leg at the Etihad...

Gerrard approaches Mancini to take him to task over his conduct following both Vincent Kompany's red card against Manchester United on Sunday and Glen Johnson's two-footed piledriver last night to which the City manager clearly replies (at the 0:13 mark), and I quote:

"Whale tea, sea cake and FROSTIES!

Robbie Keane Has The Bejesus Scared Out Of Him At First Villa Press Conference (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Hello everyone, I'm Robbie: Football's undisputed King of Craic and B-B-B-B-BANTZ! Good to see you all again. It's been a while, so it has!"

"Roight. Let's get this shitstorm started shall we? Any questions?"

"Hi Robbie, over here.

Snapshot: 13 Years Later Than Planned, Robbie Keane Unveiled By Aston Villa

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By Chris Wright

Thirteen years after coming this close you should see how close I'm holding my fingers right now to joining Villa from Wolves (a financial snag saw him toddle off to Coventry instead) in 1999, Robbie Keane has finally made the move to Villa Park on a two-month loan deal from LA Galaxy.

Moronic Anti-Celtic Sectarian Abuse Appears On Ex-Referee Jeff Winter’s Personal Website

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By Chris Wright

Ex-Premier League referee and Rangers supporter Jeff Winter has had his personal website suspended after several of his blogs (posted during a Christmas trip to Australia and New Zealand) containing incredibly offensive anti-Catholic jibes were circulated by journalists including Gab Marcotti on Twitter yesterday.

Mark Hughes Officially Rolled Out As New QPR Manager (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

QPR have officially unveiled Mark Sparkington Hughes as their new manager (we've already said our piece here if you're interested) and we've got the bloody photos to prove it...

Hughes: Seen here positively reeking of ambition

Scarf Ace

Home.

Tottenham 2-0 Everton: Assou-Ekotto Cracks Home 30-Yard Missile As Spurs March On (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham went level on points with second-placed Manchester United in the Premier League pile last night, after goals from Aaron Lennon and Benoit Assou-Ekotto (a 30-yard stonker he doesn't score often, but when he does... etc, etc) afforded Redknapp's rabble a comfortable 2-0 win over Everton at the Lane a 14th victory from 20 league outings.

Ipswich Manager Paul Jewell Caught Up In ‘Mild Criticism Of Lineswoman’ Sexism Shocker!

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By Chris Wright

"Here love, put down the ironing for a minute, my car bonnet needs a good waxing..."

Ipswich lost again last night; 2-1 to Birmingham, Nikola Zigic nabbing the winner in stoppage time, their 11th defeat in 14 matches.

Manager Paul Jewell was also left fuming over an incident in which Ipswich winger Lee Martin was fouled in the box by Brum's Stephen Caldwell and no penalty was given on the insistence of the referee's assistant a lady human with a vulva and everything by the name of Amy Fearn.

Carling Cup: Man City 0-1 Liverpool – Strangely Soulless Match Settled By Gerrard Penalty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"You got once chance, mon frere!"

It was a bit of a strange, suffocating old game but, thanks principally to Kenny Dalglish switching to a flat-back nine for the majority of the second-half, Liverpool came away from the Etihad with the slimmest of advantages (City's first back-to-back home defeat since February 2008) to take back to Anfield for the second leg.

Glen Johnson Sees Awful Two-Footed Lunge Go Completely Unpunished vs Man City (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Posted without comment, Glen Johnson's two-footed, straight-legged (and ball-winning) lunge on Joleon Lescott during Liverpool's 1-0 victory over Man City last night a tackle that, it's worth mentioning, went completely unpunished on the night...

We know Vinny, we know.

Samir Nasri Verbally Abused By Liverpool Fans Whilst Driving Home (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

In a definite case of 'do not try this at home', a bunch of Liverpool fans (you can tell they are Liverpool fans by their thick Scouse accents), driving home after last night's Carling Cup win against Manchester City, found themselves in the lane next to one Samir Nasri.

These ‘Faux-Vintage Barcelona Football Cards’ Are As Beautiful As They Sound…

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By Chris Wright

Diver & Aguilar are a photography agency based in London who, amongst other things, spend a fair bit of time producing ultra-classy, hi-res imagery of the Barcelona squad from year to year. This year's batch sees the current Barca squad sumptuously recreated in vintage 'cigarette card' form, and we like.

Oxford City Sack Striker Lee Steele Over Homophobic Tweet

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By Alan Duffy


They may only be a Southern Football Premier League side, but the decision by Oxford City to sack player Lee Steele over homophobic Twitter comments he made will have a significant influence on the game in general.

In refering to the out-gay Welsh rugby player, Gareth Thomas, and his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, Steele Tweeted: "I wouldnt fancy the bed next to Gareth Thomas #padlockeda**ehole".

‘A Moment Of Reflection’ – Vincent Kompany Pens Facebook Note To Voice Concern Over Failed Appeal

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By Chris Wright

This just appeared on Vincent Kompany's official Facebook page; a personally written note touching on the Manchester City captain's failure to get his red card against Manchester United overturned yesterday...

All-in-all, right or wrong, a very level-headed and considered response from an impressively intelligent footballer.

Abandoned Cup Match Between Ajax And Alkmaar To Be Replayed In Front Of 50,000 Children

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By Chris Wright

You may remember, not so very long ago, when the KNVB Cup match between Ajax and Alkmaar had to be abandoned after just 38 minutes when Alkmaar 'keeper Esteban Alvarado was red-carded (it was later rescinded) for knocking a drunken pitch-invader on his arse and then belting the living daylights out of the 19-year old hoodlum as he sprawled on the turf.

Russian Sport Hits New Low, Andrei Arshavin Voted Athlete Of The Year

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By Alan Duffy

Maybe we are all missing something here, but even the most strident Arsenal fan will admit that Andrei Arshavin's performances for the club, over the past year or so, have been utter pants. However, according to a poll taken in Russia last month, the diminutive, under-achieving imp is still the best sportsperson the country has to offer.

Wojciech Szczesny Scores Twitter Own-Goal, Jokes That Aaron Ramsey ‘Looks Like A Rapist’

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By Alan Duffy


Arsenal's gifted young goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny has made the latest in a long line of footballing Twitter boo-boos. Indeed, it's not even his first offence.

On responding to a photo team-mate Aaron Ramsey has posted of himself at a golf event, the Polish international Tweeted: "I don't wanna be rude mate but you look like a rapist on that picture.

The BIG Question: Should Liverpool Flog Andy Carroll Back To Newcastle For £10m?

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By Chris Wright

It's already been well and truly scotched by his agent, but the heftiest kernel of transfer tripe this morning was a rumour appearing in the Times, The Sun and the Daily Mail that Newcastle were willing to stump up between £10-£15 million to bring Andy Carroll back to Byker Grove and that Liverpool may be tempted into cutting their loses on their £35 million lump.

Shit Lookalikes: Aleksandar Kolarov & Vinny From ‘Jersey Shore’

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By Chris Wright

You'll know Kolarov as the Serbian chap who mainly specialises in blasting 30-yard exocets narrowly over and wide for Man City.

Vinny Guadagnino, it says here, is widely regarded to be the least twattish of the creosote-skinned, duck-lipped, herpes-riddled, sun-dried ballsacks on MTV's 'Jersey Shore' abomination.

Police Find 29 Bags O’ Cannabis In Raid On Rio Ferdinand’s Restaurant

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By Chris Wright

According to several of this morning's newsrags, a 55-year old junior chef has been cautioned and 29 bags of cannabis have been seized from a locker at Rio Ferdinand's 'Rosso' restaurant (the sordid den of inequity where Wayne Rooney reportedly solicited the services of one 'Juicy' Jenni Thompson over a candlelit bowl of chicken nuggets) in Manchester following a Police #drugsraid at the Italian eatery on Friday afternoon.

Real Sociedad Keeper Enaut Zubikarai Gets ‘Dion Dublined’ vs Mallorca (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's fair to say that Real Sociedad 'keeper Enaut Zubikarai had what's known in technical terms as a 'stinker' last night. With his side 2-0 up from the first leg of their Copa del Rey tie with Real Mallorca and going one-nil up in the second leg after 16 minutes, Zubikarai then conceded four goal in the space of seven minutes before half-time.

Adidas Mark Lionel Messi’s Ballon d’Or Hat-Trick With Snazzy Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Being their lead clothes horse as he is, Adidas have produced a snazzy little viral video to commemorate Lionel Messi's Ballon d'Or turkey.

Indeed, they also manage to pay homage to their man without so much as mentioning Barcelona once, which is rather odd considering Messi probably wouldn't be on many shortlists if it was only his international form that was being taken into account.

Vincent Kompany Has Four-Match Ban Upheld, Will Miss Both Liverpool Semi-Finals

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let y'all good people know that Vincent Kompany will indeed have to serve a four-match ban after the FA threw out Manchester City's appeal this afternoon because Wayne Rooney wafted an imaginary gavel at them* during the hearing.

Mark Hughes Appointed New QPR Boss – How Long He’ll Last Is Another Matter

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By Chris Wright

Not sure it was the job he had his sights set on landing when he walked out on Fulham six months ago citing the club's abject failure to match/fund his ambitions, but it has just been announced that Mark Hughes has been sworn in as QPR's new manager on a two-and-a-half year deal following Neil Warnock's acrimonious sacking earlier in the week.

Aaron Ramsey Unhappy At Welsh FA’s Hunt For A New Manager

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By Alan Duffy

Finding a worthy replacement for Gary Speed was always going to be a tricky affair for the Welsh FA, but according to team captain Aaron Ramsey, the suits haven't conducted the process properly at all.

Ramsey has revealed that neither he nor any of his Wales teammates have been consulted over the subject of a new boss, something that disappoints the Arsenal man.

Neymar’s Slick ‘Slalom’ Goal vs Flamengo Named FIFA Goal Of The Year 2011 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It wasn't a particularly strong field for one reason or another but, after whittling their 10-strong shortlist down to a final three, FIFA saw fit to hand their Puskas Award for the best goal scored during 2011 to Santos wunderkind Neymar for his fine fleet-footed 'slalom' effort against Flamengo back in July.

Snapshot: Unfortunate Ballboy Placement At The Emirates

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By Chris Wright

Unfortunate ballboy positioning or a subtle message to the Leeds fans? You decide...

It's times like these you pine for the more gentile days of Armchair Anal.

Football GIF: Thierry Henry’s Comeback Goal vs Leeds To Cut Out And Keep

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By Chris Wright

One to cut out and keep for all those misty-eyed Gooners out there, Thierry Henry's trademark 'Thierry Henry' goal on his second Arsenal debut against Leeds last night...

"When he got in position, I thought 'oh, that's your angle'.

Eric Cantona Announces Decision To Run For French Presidency

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By Chris Wright

He's already tried (and sadly failed) to bring about the demise of Western Capitalism by imploring people to protest the global financial crisis and boycott the banking sector by keeping all their money in biscuit tins under the bed, but now Eric Cantona has his hirsute, charismatically dishevelled sights set on total political reform in his native land announcing his decision to officially run for the French Presidency.

FA Cup Third Round: Arsenal 1-0 Leeds – Thierry Henry Makes It Feel Like 2005 All Over Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

One-nil to the Arsenal. Against Leeds. Thierry Henry (who came on for the last half an hour) scoring the only goal of the game, carving himself some room in the left channel and wafting a gossamer shot into the bottom right corner to send the Gunners into the next round.

Martin Keown Smacked In Face By Rogue Football During Leeds Warm-Up (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the warm-up, ESPN pundit Martin Keown is accidentally-on-purpose thwacked in the side of the head by a ball launched toward the pitchside podium by one of the Leeds players/Ruud van Nistelrooy in a Leeds shirt...

So satisfying.

Sepp Blatter Dances For Shakira At Ballon d’Or Gala (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sepp Blatter comes down with some sort of hideous convulsive palsy shakes his 'waka waka' for Shakira at the FIFA Ballon d'Or gala dinner...

Dignified. As ever.

Video: 101GG

Snapshot: Lionel Messi Lands Third Straight Ballon d’Or, Turns Out In Marvellous Purple Velvet Jacket

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By Chris Wright

Given that it was pretty much a forgone conclusion, FIFA took their sweet time in surprising precisely nobody and bestowing Lionel Messi with their World Player of the Year award for the third time on the spin in Switzerland yesterday.

Messi beat Cristiano Ronaldo and Barca teammate Xavi (with whom he vowed to share the award) to the Ballon d'Or and he also went all Noël Coward on our backsides on the night, sporting a rather fetching purple velvet smoking jacket for the occassion just because, y'know, he can.

Michael Essien Back In Action For Chelsea, Plays 75 Minutes Of Reserve Game

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By Alan Duffy


Chelsea's erratic first half of the 2011/12 campaign may have all but ended their title dreams, but the news that Ghanaian midfield supremo Michael Essien is back in action will surely give AVB and his army of Blues' fans a right old boost.

Is Ray “Stay On Your Feet” Wilkins A Better Fit For QPR Than Mark “Sparky” Hughes?

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By Alan Duffy


After blaming everyone and everything but himself, king of the passive-aggressive faux-down-to-earth shtick, Neil Warnock, was given the boot at Loftus Road on the back of an appalling run of form which saw QPR take just two points out of a possible 24.

FA Cup Third Round Photos: The Best Of The Rest

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the best of the rest of the photos from this weekend's FA Cup third round action (there weren't an awful lot to go at)...

Everton observe a minute's applause in honour of former Toffee Gary Ablett before their 2-0 win over Tamworth at Goodison

Roman Pavlyuchenko celebrates with a bashful pout after scoring Tottenham's second goal in their 3-0 win over Cheltenham at White Hart Lane

When Dave Met Mario: A meeting of minds takes place in the executive suites at the Etihad Stadium

Lomano Lua Lua goes arse-over-tit in celebration after scoring during Blackpool's 5-1 demolition of local 'rivals' Fleetwood Town

The sky splits and the heavens open above Hillsborough during Sheffield Wednesday's 1-0 win over West Ham

An elderly Manchester United fan gets the final score all wrong as she signals to the City supporters

Everton's Royston Drenthe gives Tamworth's Patrick Kanyuka a helping hand with his cramp

Bolton 'keeper Adam Bogdan is powerless to stop Macclesfield midfielder Arnaud Mendy's sublime volley ripping past him and into the back of the net

Swindon manager Paulo Di Canio thanks the Big Man upstairs after the League Two side's 2-1 win over Premier League opponents Wigan at the County Ground (this one's for STFC)

Photos: PA

Snapshot: Roy Keane & Gareth Southgate Forced To Economise At Manchester Derby

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By Chris Wright

It seems that, with the recession still biting and Robbie Earle no longer around to 'sort everybody out', the money men over at the ITV Football department have been reduced to extreme bouts of penny-pinching when it comes to providing match tickets for their pundits.

FA Cup Third Round: Chelsea 4-0 Portsmouth – Late Deluge Sees Blues Cruise Through (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

A flurry of late goals saw Chelsea rack up an impressive scoreline against Championship paupers Portsmouth at Stamford Bridge, with Juan Mata sticking away Florent Malouda's cut-back just after half-time before Ramires (85th and 87th minutes) and Frank Lampard (93rd) padded out the rout as the clock dwindled down to nowt.

Suarez/Evra/Terry Racism Ordeal Receives Bizarre Taiwanese Animation Treatment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With charges, arrests and general controversy beginning to stack up, we are once again indebted to Taiwan-based media group NMA who filter out all the bull plop and present us with nothing but the clear facts using their trademark subtle blend of retina-searing imagery, dizzying overly-literal metaphors and featherlight grip on the actual incidents being discussed.

Christian Vieri Dances To The Blues Brothers On Italian Strictly Come Dancing (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


"They say I score once every 275 minutes... on average"

Following in the orange, manicured footsteps of Robbie Savage, former Italian international striker Christian "Bobo" Vieri is taking part in the Italian version of Strictly Come Dancing.

FA Cup Third Round: Macclesfield’s Arnaud Mendy Scores Sweet, Sweet Volley vs Bolton (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're playing 'catch up' today after a bout of electro-gremlins rendered us down and out at the weekend so, for the two of you that haven't seen it already and for the many that probably won't mind seeing it again, here's Macclesfield Town midfielder Arnaud Mendy scoring the goal of his career against Bolton on Saturday.

FA Cup Third Round: Hatem Ben Arfa’s Incredible Weaving Solo Effort vs Blackburn (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Time to squeeze in another belated and bloomin' astonishing wonder goal from the FA Cup third round on Saturday, namely Newcastle winger Hatem Ben Arfa's meandering solo effort against Blackburn a goal Toon boss Alan Pardew has since branded 'the greatest ever scored'.

FA Cup Third Round: Man City 2-3 Man Utd – Kompany Sees Red As United Beat The Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Well. That was all rather exciting wasn't it? Manchester United rushed into a three-nil lead against 10-man City at the Etihad in the third round of the FA Cup at the Etihad yesterday afternoon, only to have the frighteners put on them when City rallied and pulled two goals back during an intense second half.

Tom Adeyemi Abuse: Direct By-Product Of Defending The Indefensible

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By Chris Wright

Oldham's Tom Adeyemi, a 20-year old lad playing in one of the most prevalent games of his professional career to date, was reduced to tears  - I'll say that again, reduced to tears at Anfield last night by a small group of Liverpool-aligned flesh-wastes in the Kop and their toxic, racist oral excreta.

Liverpool In (Yet Another) Race Row, As Oldham’s Tom Adeyemi Accuses Anfield Fans Of Racial Abuse

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By Alan Duffy


Erm, I guess bad things come in fours, not threes then. Coming swiftly on the heels of Robbie Fowler's innocent yet badly timed Lionel Richie 'black-up', Alan Hansen's 'coloured' remarks and the Luis Suarez case, comes news that Oldham youngster Tom Adeyemi was allegedly racially abused by Liverpool fans during last night's FA Cup game at Anfield (which the Reds won 5-1).

Liverpool Great Robbie Fowler ‘Blacks Up’ As Lionel Richie, Causes Minor Twitter “Outrage” (Photo)

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By Alan Duffy


Lionel Richie? I was going for Craig Johnston meets Bruce Grobbelaar...

This hasn't been the best of periods for Liverpool FC, certainly in terms of PR. With the club tying itself in all kinds of knots over the Luis Suarez affair, and then Anfield legend Alan Hansen getting lambasted for his out-dated use of the word "coloured", it's been a heck a few weeks for the club.

Football GIF: ‘Target Acquired’ – Luis Suarez Zapped By Old Lady Terminator

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By Chris Wright

Better late than never, this brilliant GIF made us all chuckle like fools yesterday but we had to wait for a few techy things to be twiddled around before we could post it.

Hope you like, sorry about the wait...

More first-class GIF magic from Olly over at RedCafe.

Definitely The Last Thing You Want To See Upon Walking Into QPR’s Dressing Room…

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By Chris Wright

Oh! Excuse me, I'll...err...leave you guys to it...

The look on Warnock's face as he stares at the small of Barton's back. Harrowing.

[Photo: @DKDickson]

The African Cup Of Nations Starts To Bite: Which Premier League Clubs Will Suffer The Most?

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By Alan Duffy


With so many gifted African players now plying their trade in the Premier League, the African Cup of Nations has become something of an issue for managers in the top division, particularly as it is held slap bang in the middle of the season.

The Magic Of The FA Cup: Here’s The Worst Own-Goal Ever, Courtesy Of Wayne Hatswell (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of this weekend's FA Cup games, we thought it only right to bring you just a teeny weeny taste of the 'Magic of the Cupâ„¢' courtesy of one Wayne Hatswell, a name that will live long in the memory (possibly) a man who, in one moment of pure unadulterated technical incompetence, smashed home arguably the worst own-goal ever.

Transfer Shots: QPR Twitch First In Samba Chase, Henry Rubber-Stamps Arsenal Return, Tevez Dines With Milan

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By Rumour Monger

A quick round-up of the best of today's transfer to-ings and fro-ings...

QPR get twitchy...

It has been confirmed that QPR have blinked first and made the first move in the race to snafu Chris Samba from Blackburn, lodging a £5 million bid for the collosal centre-half.

Shit Lookalikes: Felipe Melo & A Furious Cheetah

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By Chris Wright

You've got no idea how hard it was to find a picture of a suitably narked cheetah...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field or Tweet it over to us as @waatpies if you're that way inclined.

Retro Football: Tim Howard Caught Out By Wigan Keeper Floyd Croll’s Über Punt, 2005 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'What goes around...' and all that jazzaroonie.

Tim Howard admirably chose not to celebrate after opening the scoring for Everton against Bolton in specatcular, hoof-tastic fashion on Wednesday evening as a mark of respect for his opposite number, Adam Bogdan telling reporters après le match that he'd 'been there before himself a long, long time ago' and that he knew 'it wasn't a nice place to be'.

Robbie Savage Gets His Kit Off, At Least It’s For A Good Cause

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By Alan Duffy


With all those cheeky photos of glamorous WAGs peppering the Pies' website, we thought it only fair to give our female and gay male readers something to ogle, in the bright orange, bouffanted shape of professional pundit and amateur ballroom dancer, Robbie Savage.

Listen Up Chumps – If Frank Lampard Doesn’t Join Man Utd In January, I’ll Set My Nan On Fire

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By Chris Wright

Frank gets as close to heaven as is humanly possible in this Earthly realm

As you may well have noticed, it's January which generally means it's open season for tabloids and newspapers for grown-ups alike to go big with half-arsed and utterly superfluous football transfer bulltattle and tittlehonky but not the Daily Mail, for they have themselves an EXCLUSIVE!

Arsene Wenger & Roy Hodgson’s New Band Rehearse For The First Time (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After the teaser GIF was leaked t'other day, Arsene Wenger and Roy Hodgson's new musical venture (we need to think of a suitable band name folks!) have finally gotten things off the ground, jamming together for the first time and running through an instrumental piece which features guest appearances from a few familiar faces.

Arsene Wenger & Roy Hodgson’s New Band Rehearse For The First Time (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After the teaser GIF was leaked t'other day, Arsene Wenger and Roy Hodgson's new musical venture (we need to think of a suitable band name folks!) have finally gotten things off the ground, jamming together for the first time and running through an instrumental piece which features guest appearances from a few familiar faces.

Argentinian Football’s Worst Fouls Of 2011 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which TYC Sports collate all of the Argentinian football's worst, most horrendous, shinbone-splintering, ankle-knackering, face-pummelling and crotch-bruising fouls from 2011 for us all to wince at in unison.

Note: the video starts with a highlight reel of a few nifty tricks and skills.

Shit Lookalikes: Wojciech Szczesny & Russian Comedian Garik ‘Bulldog’ Harlamov

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By Chris Wright

It's hard to argue with that really. Both are Eastern European, both look decidedly 'zany' and both have mouths like the Mariana Trench. Kudos to Pies fan Yernar Akkissev for the spot!

As you'll hopefully know, Szczczszccsesney is the Arsenal 'keeper but as for 'Bulldog' here other than him being a Russian comic and married to girl named Julia, you're guess is as good as mine.

WAG Watch: Irina Shayk Goes Very Nearly Topless In Esquire

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By WAG Watcher

The slightly more masculine half of the Cristiano Ronaldo/Shayk axis is to appear, or may have already appeared, on the cover of the February issue of Esquire, and that's all well and good. She a good lookin' lady.

However, a quick trawl (strictly for research purposes you'll understand) reveals that the rest of the lovely miss Irina's photoshoot is even hot-hot-hotter being that she appears topless in one of the pics, albeit on a technicality.

Snapshot: Lionel Messi In Tears After Copa Del Rey Final Defeat

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By Chris Wright

This lo-res candid photo is doing the rounds today after being released into the wild by Barcelona's official club photographer, one Miguel Ruiz.

It shows a distraught Lionel Messi, alongside the void Andres Iniesta and the thoroughly knackered Javier Mascherano, struggling to stave off the waterworks after Barca's last-minute 1-0 defeat at the hands of Real Madrid in last year's Copa Del Rey final (e.

Nicklas Bendtner’s Season Stats For Sunderland: Three Goals And Two Arrests

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By Alan Duffy

Another day, another police identity parade

On loan from Arsenal, where he struggled to live up to the (self-inflated) hype surrounding his ability, Nicklas Bendtner has been nothing more than average for Sunderland so far this season.

The BIG Question: Is Gary Cahill The Man To Plug Chelsea’s Defence?

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By Chris Wright

As I understand it, the salient bullet points are as follows: Chelsea want to buy Gary Cahill for £7 million; Bolton want to sell Gary Cahill for £7 million, Gary Cahill wants to join Chelsea; Gary Cahill's agent asked for £120,000-a-week wages (presumably on the basis he scores more often than Fernando Torres); Chelsea aren't stupid.

The Secret Of Demba Ba’s Success? Strawberry Syrup (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Ba! Huh! What did he sign for? Absolutely nuthin'! Sing it again y'all!"

16 goals in his last 16 Premier League appearances, 15 league goals in total this season (over half of Newcastle's cumulative haul), something like 24 in 28 since his move to England.

Football GIF: Tim Howard’s 102-Yard Monster Punt vs Bolton On Infinite Loop

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By Chris Wright

Spectacular...

Poor old Boggy. That is one huuuuge mother-lovin' bounce.

GIF via 101GG

Everton 1-2 Bolton: Tim Howard Scores From 102 Yards, Trotters Nab Crucial Points (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Spectacularly wind-assisted if may have been, but Everton's Tim Howard became the fourth 'keeper in Premier League history to get his name on the scoresheet after punting home the opener against Bolton at Goodison last night from 102, count 'em, 102 yards.

Newcastle 3-0 Man Utd: Toon Tonk Hapless United (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

It's not been a good few days for Manchester United? Four days after slumping to a home defeat against lowly old Blackburn, United found themselves on the end of a relative 3-0 tonking at the Sports Direct North East Regional Distribution Centre which gave their title aspirations yet another toe-punt in the undercarriage.

Vincent Kompany Announces Twitter Comp, Asks Fans To Write His FA Cup Derby Team Talk

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By Alan Duffy

Unquestionably one of the players of the season so far, Manchester City's Belgian captain Vincent Kompany has decided to use the medium du jour Twitter to launch a new competition which is sure to get the blue half of Manchester rather excited.

Ye Olde Stretcher FAIL: Confianca’s Arthur Treated To Face Full Of Linesman Gooch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's one that we've all seen a thousand-odd times before, the classic stretcher FAIL in which a prone player suffers a face-full of gooch at the hands of an utterly incompetent stretcher-bearer.

This time the poor unfortunate soul on the receiving end of an impromptu and unscheduled visit to Biffer's Bridge is Confianca (Brazilian youth side) midfielder Arthur.

Morten Gamst Pedersen Takes Blackburn’s ‘Steve Kean Out’ Protest Far Too Literally vs Stoke (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Agent 00Gamst, acting behalf of the Blackburn Supporters Club, misinterprets his 'Operation: Steve Kean Out' mission brief and decides to go down the 'literal' route during Rovers' 1-2 defeat at the hands of Stoke on Monday night...

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the complete lack of apology from Pedersen seems to speak volumes of the regard that Kean is held in at Blackburn.

Horror Hair: Jermain Defoe Goes All ‘Sisqo’ On Us

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By Chris Wright

With his slinky goal against West Brom last night, Jermain Defoe overtook Glenn Hoddle's scoring tally for Tottenham but even that didn't gloss over the fact that, at some point before the game, he chose to do this to his head...

Yeesh.

Vinnie Jones Stars In Brilliant New ‘Hard And Fast’ Viral For British Heart Foundation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which uber-Cockney Welshman Vinnie Jones puts in the performance of his career to date (quiet at the back), by bringing a tinge of well-judged, self-deprecating and awareness-raising comedy to the otherwise incredibly serious matter of hands-only resuscitation in this new viral for the British Heart Foundation's new #hardandfast CPR campaign.

Football GIF: ‘Wenger And Woy Wock Out’

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By Chris Wright

The 'Wenger Pocket Fail' reboots have begun people...

"Whatever you want dudum dudum Whatever you like dudum dudum Whatever you say, you pay your money, you take your choice dudum dudum..."

GIF by Olly @ Redcafe

10 January Transfer Rumours We’d Love To See Materialise

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By Chris Wright

In no particular order, Pies' ten-strong run down of the rumoured January deals we'd absolutely love to see come to fruition for one reason or another...

1. Didier Drogba (Chelsea) to Shanghai Shenhua...

Word is that there are several Chinese clubs queuing up to throw upwards of £400,000-a-week at The Drog in order to coerce him into semi-retirement.

Football Fan Takes Out Anger On Seat, Loses The Fight…Badly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Boom! Back in the saddle after a week in the wilderness (well, 'Scotland' to give it it's Latin name) and a couple of brief flirtations with death on the rather blustery drive home in the wee small hours of this morning. It's good to be home/alive.

After being cut off from the rest of civilisation for the past few days, I thought I'd kick-off the new year with the only football-related thing I've been exposed to in 2012 this video of an anonymous football fan, clearly irked by a shonky performance, attempting to take out his anger on a stadium seat and losing out badly.

How Not To Head A Ball – Aberdeen’s Robert Milsom Gets It All Wrong (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


That's it, keep it on the ground son, you're rubbish in the air

Scottish football is often criticised for its lack of technical quality and while this view is often unfair, Aberdeen's Robert Milsom did little to silence the critics on Monday in the Dons' 2-1 win against Dundee United.

Football GIF: Arsene Wenger Struggles To Find His Coat Pocket As Gunners Struggle To Find The Back Of The Net

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By Alan Duffy

Seeing your team squander a whole load of chances in the first half and then capitulate in the second would be enough to make anyone a teeny bit frustrated at the very least. However, the failure of Theo Walcott in particular, to make the most of Arsenal's first half dominance looks to have sent Arsene Wenger a bit mad.

R.I.P. Gary Ablett – Former Everton And Liverpool Defender Loses Battle With Cancer

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By Alan Duffy


Former Liverpool and Everton defender Gary Ablett passed away last night after a 16-month battle with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

The 46-year-old was one of a select band of players to enjoy extended stays with both Liverpool clubs after starting off with the red half of the city as an apprentice in 1982.

Sunderland 1-0 Manchester City: Nuthin’ But A Ji Thang – City Miss Chance To Go Clear At The Top (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-0 Manchester City Premier League 1st January 2012

After seeing Manchester United and Chelsea both lose, and Tottenham drop two points at the Liberty Stadium, the scene was set at the Stadium of Light for Manchester City's diamond-encrusted side to move ahead in the race for the title.

Arsenal 1-0 Queens Park Rangers: Gunners Capitalise On Top Four Slip-Ups As Van Persie Scores Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 31st December 2011


He may have failed to equal Alan Shearer's 38-goal record for a calender year, but Robin Van Persie's sole strike for the Gunners against QPR was enough to fire his side back into the top four on a day when their rivals slipped up.

Snapshot: Some People Just Love A Bad Boy – A Not-So-Secret Admirer Swaps Saliva With JT

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By Alan Duffy

He may be public enemy number one these days, or maybe number two behind Luis Suarez. But John Terry discovered that love can conquer all, after a fan/loony ran onto the Stamford Bridge turf during the Villa game in order to express his physical love for the England captain.

Chelsea 1-3 Aston Villa: Ireland’s Eyes Are Smiling As Villa Breach The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-3 Aston Villa Premier League 31st December 2011


Coming only days after he was chastised by manager Alex McLeish for being photographed with a hookah pipe and drink in hand, Stephen Ireland rediscovered his best midfield form to inspire the Villans to a superb and surpirsing victory at Stamford Bridge.

Swansea City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur: Swans Hold Lilywhites To Deserved Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 31st December 2011

Swansea City battled from a goal down to secure a vital and deserved point against Tottenham at the Liberty Stadium.

Rafael van der Vaart had put the high-flying visitors ahead just before half-time, converting a deflected cross from Benoit Assou-Ekotto.

Manchester United 2-3 Blackburn Rovers: Patchwork United Spoil Fergie’s Birthday Celebrations (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-3 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 31st December 2011


With a starting 11 which included Rafael in midfield and Michael Carrick at centre-half (and without Wayne Rooney), this was never going to be a vintage Manchester United performance.