Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

Stars And Strikes: Man Utd Go Ten-Pin Bowling With Footballs (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Got a couple of minutes to spare before you split? Then why not enjoy this little viral of the Manchester United boys (Evra, Berba and Ash Young to be precise) bowling with footballs while subliminally encouraging the nation to gamble responsibly on behalf of flutter-merchants Betfair.

Flamengo’s Junior Cesar Attempts To Derail Penalty With Cunning Sock Fiddle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Flamengo coming into the game on the back of a ten-game winless slump, defender Junior Cesar attempted a bit of sock-based jiggery-pokey to try and prevent America Mineiro from taking early lead from the penalty spot on Wednesday evening.

Sadly, it didn't work.

Arsene Wenger Celebrates 15 Years At Arsenal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

15 years ago today a rather studious-looking (and relatively unknown) Frenchman took over at Arsenal. The rest is, indeed, history and while the latest chapter in Arsene wenger's Arsenal story may not be the easiest to read for either him or the fans of the north London club, it is fair to say that he has more than made his mark on English football.

Bastian Schweinsteiger Is Better At Basketball Than German Pro-Basketballer Steffen Hamann (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hands up, I've got absolutely no idea what state German professional basketball is in at the moment, but the fact that Bastian Schweinsteiger is making their players look pretty damn scheisse is hardly a glowing testament.

Here we see Bayern Munich 'baller Steffen Hamann challenge Schweini to a spot of rock-chucking (or whatever the kids call it these days), only to be soundly thrashed at his own game including a little football/basketball hybrid trickshot to cap the spanking.

Robbie Fowler Enters The World Of Management In Thailand

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By Alan Duffy

The Anfield hero and homophobic abuser of Graeme Le Saux is to take that big step from playing to managing after being named as Muangthong United boss.

Fowler joined the Thailand Premier League club in a playing capacity this year, signing a one-year deal, after knocking around the Australian A-League for a while.

Birmingham ‘Keeper Colin Doyle Drops Enckelman-esque Clanger vs NK Maribor (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brum beat NK Maribor 2-1 in Slovenia in the Europa League last night, despite goalkeeper Colin Doyle's best efforts to completely sabotage everything for them...

Reverse angle (it doesn't get any prettier)...

'Shades of Enckelman', wouldn't you agree?

Barcelona And Bayern Munich Eye Crystal Palace Starlet Wilfried Zaha (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It is the Daily Star (a highly reputable source, obviously) which links Crystal Palace's 18-year-old attacker to Euro-giants Barcelona and Bayern, but it is still fair to say that the Ivory Coast-born England U19 star is gaining an increasing number of high profile fans due to his fancy footwork.

Sprogshot: Jack Wilshere Welcomes Newborn Son Archie Into The World

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By Chris Wright

As tweeted by the man himself, here's 19-year old Poppa Jack welcoming the newest member of the Wilshere clan into the world 7lb 11oz Archie, who was born at around 3:00pm yesterday afternoon...

Image: @JackWilshere

Spot The Baller: Tina Turner

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By Chris Wright

Who dis?

Previous answer: 'Twas Maxi Rodriguez being obscured by the Ultimate Warrior!

Congrats to Jonathan and Rosey who were the only pair to guess correctly. Well done chap/chapette, have a biscuit on Pies!

Top 10 Europa League Photos: Huub, Ziv, Pav, Gooch, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten finest still exposures from last night's round of Europa League antics...

Shamrock Rovers' travelling support erupt in celebration after Stephen Rice had pinged home an opener for the Irish side against Tottenham at the Lane

Tottenham's Roman Pavlyuchenko looks all kinds of 'special' while stretching to control a loose pass.

Arsenal’s Silent Stan Speaks: “Arsene’s Our Man”

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By Alan Duffy


Arsenal's billionaire owner Stan Kroenke has finally spoke out on the current situation surrounding the north London club.

The American entrepreneur and serial owner of sports teams (including MLS side Colorado Rapids) Â has rarely been seen or heard, something which has worried Gooners.

Snoop Dogg Gives A Shout Out To Welsh Homies Gareth Bale And Ryan Giggs (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Only a year ago Jay-Z was rumoured to be pondering investing in his favourite "soccer" club Arsenal, and now another hip hop icon, Snoop Dogg, has given a shout out to Welsh wing wizards Gareth Bale and Ryan Giggs.

Snoop is kicking off his new world tour in the UK and will be performing in Cardiff on October 8th, hence the promos.

David De Gea Fingered By Tescos For Stealing £1.19 Krispy Kreme Donut

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By Chris Wright

The world is waking up to the harrowing news that Manchester United 'keeper David de Gea is, as we've suspected for quite some time, a donut thief at least he is if The Sun is to be believed.

According to the rag, De Gea was quizzed by security staff at the Tescos in Altrincham, Greater Manchester after CCTV caught the Spaniard gobbling a £1.

Danish Hardman John Jensen Leaves Blackburn Rovers

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By Alan Duffy


Former Danish international becomes the latest victim of a relatively recent trend of assistant managers getting the boot rather the manager.

The former Arsenal midfielder thus follows Rovers' chief scout, chairman, finance director and secretary out the Ewood Park door and one wonders if Steve Kean will be next.

Spell-Checker Takes Battering As Okocimski Brzesko’s Dawid Mieczkowski Scores Pathetic Own-Goal vs Slask Wroclaw (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Some truly pap 'action' from the Polish Cup now, as Okocimski Brzesko defender Dawid Mieczkowski etches his name on the scoresheet after only 36 seconds of their game against Slask Wroclaw, lobbing into his own net from 25-yards though frankly, we reckon 'keeper Michal Oswiecimka deserves the lion's share of the post-match kicking for his feeble attempts to rectify the situation.

Caption This: Zlatan Moves On, Banishes Painful Pique Memories?

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "Oh dear sweet Ignazio, you warm my cockles so, but there can never be another not while my pillows still smell of Gerard."

You say?

Pic: Ferplei

Neymar’s Mixed Bag vs Argentina: Impudent Skill & Wubbish Open-Goal Miss (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brazil secured themselves the 'Superclasico de las Americas' (a glorified, two-leg friendly match featuring only 'home-based' players) trophy with a 2-0 victory over Argentina in Belem thanks to a goal apiece from Lucas and Santos cockatoo Neymar with the latter providing his usual mixed bag of impudent, cocky, defender-baiting skill.

Adidas Launch New AdiZero F50 miCoach – The ‘Boot With A Brain’ (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Adidas first teased us about their new 'intelligent' boots when Lionel Messi took to the field against Nigeria in a pair a few weeks back, but the big day has finally rolled around with the official launch of the new adiZero F50 miCoach boots an eye-catching (that's putting politely) piece of footballing footwear design which incorporates a nifty little microchip in the sole, thus giving the 165 gram boot a 'brain'.

30 Years Gone Today: Pies’ 30 Favourite Bill Shankly Quotes

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By Chris Wright

Today marks the 30th anniversary of Bill Shankly's death (in 1981, maths fans!), so to pay a wee bit of homage, Pies have amassed our 30 very favourite Shankley-isms in no particular order...


1. When asked by a Liverpudlian barber if he wanted 'anything off the top?

Snapshot: Man City Fans Hang ‘Disgrace’ Pendant On Tevez’s Gate, Removed By Hairy Argentinian Arm

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By Chris Wright

A lovely little souvenir was waiting for Carlos Tevez when he returned home to Alderley Edge after being formally served with his suspension at Carrington this morning a little reminder of his current standing with the City faithful, y'know, just in case it'd slipped his mind.

Arsenal 2-1 Olympiakos: Gunners Go Ahead Early, Hold Out For The Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

An early first-half double from Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and fellow summer-signing Andre Santos was enough to earn Arsenal a win over Olympiakos at the Emirates last night and subsequently pick up the first victory of their Group F campaign.

Oxlade-Chamberlian opened the scoring in the 8th-minute, playing a slick one-two off a defender's knees before cutting a low shot back across goal through his marker's legs and into the far corner -Â thus becoming the youngest ever English Champions League goalscorer in the process.

Valencia 1-1 Chelsea: Late Kalou-Engineered Equaliser Cancels Out Lampard’s Opener (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After an opening 20 minutes of mis-placed, error-strewn passing and bumbling first-touches that resembled the scene from Space Jam where Charles Barkley, Mugsy Bogues et al have their 'talent' removed, a very decent football match broke out at the Mestalla last night with Chelsea robbed of a narrow win at the death thanks to Salomon Kalou's flappy hands.

Valencia 1-1 Chelsea: Late Kalou-Engineered Equaliser Cancels Out Lampard’s Opener (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After an opening 20 minutes of mis-placed, error-strewn passing and bumbling first-touches that resembled the scene from Space Jam where Charles Barkley, Mugsy Bogues et al have their 'talent' removed, a very decent football match broke out at the Mestalla last night with Chelsea robbed of a narrow win at the death thanks to Salomon Kalou's flappy hands.

Man City Suspend Carlos Tevez, Northern Irish Club Limavady United Offer To Take Him On Loan

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard by now, Manchester City have suspended Carlos Tevez for a fortnight while they mull over their options amidst the post-Munich refusenik shitstorm essentially putting themselves in the lose/lose/lose position of either having to keep hold of the mopey striker and make him publicly apologise to the City fans.

Charlie Nicholas Exposes Real Reason Behind Mancini’s Spat With Tevez – And It’s Disgusting (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sky Sports News pundit Charlie Nicholas accidentally reveals the real reason that Roberto Mancini was so pissed off with Carlos Tevez after the Bayern Munich debacle...

If Champagne Charlie's telling the truth here then it's yet more truly disgusting conduct on Tevez's part the guy's out of control.

Doncaster Rovers Sign France 2006 World Cup Squad Member Pascal Chimbonda

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By Alan Duffy


Having apparently missed out on another footballing bad boy in the shape of El Hadji Diouf, Doncaster Rovers boss Dean Saunders has now snapped up former Spurs defender Pascal Chimbonda.

The 32-year-old Frenchman, a free agent since leaving QPR in April, was part of Les Bleus' squad at the 2006 World Cup Finals and has also had spells at Wigan, Sunderland and Blackburn.

Philipp Lahm Mounted By Edin Dzeko Like A Lioness In Heat (Video)

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By Chris Wright

See how the Alpha male, frenzied by the scent of estrogen in the air, drags his chosen mate to the floor and mounts her vigorously. It may look unnecessarily violent to you and me but this is nature's will at work...

Video: 101GG

Sunderland’s Titus Bramble Arrested For Sexual Assault And Drug Possession

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By Alan Duffy

The rather under-rated Titus Bramble has been arrested by Cleveland police on charges relating to sexual assault and the possession of Class A drugs.

While the Class A possession story is arguably open for Pies' brand of cutting wit, the sexual assault story is rather more serious and less funny.

Real Madrid’s Sensational ‘One-Touch Counter-Attack Masterclass’ Goal vs Ajax (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Cristiano Ronaldo slots away Real Madrid's first goal against Ajax last night (they went on to win 3-0) after Real made their way from one end of the Bernabeu pitch to the other in the space of 10 seconds and seven touches.

Just watch and drool.

Snapshot: Man Utd Teammates Rumble Michael Owen’s Jigsaw Obsession, Attack With ‘Boring’ Stickers

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By Chris Wright

You may remember not-so-very long ago when Pies broke the huge news that Michael Owen was a closet 1,000-piece equine jigsaw junkie. No? How could you possibly let an earth-shaking story like that slip from your memory?

Very well, let's move on.

Seems like L'il Micky's Manchester United teammates have now cottoned on to his penchant for the puzzle, taking a tell-all magazine clipping and blu-tacking it up in Owen's segment of the dressing room wall at Carrington, along with a rather hurtful sticker that read 'ZZZZ!

20 Arty-Farty Photos Of Floodlights

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By Chris Wright

As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a floodlight loved floodlights and that strange, ethereal, almost 'lunar' quality that they tend to lend to football matches but enough about my little fetishes, let's get on with it.

Tally ho!

Man Utd 3-3 FC Basel: Ashley Young Saves Face As United Almost ‘Frei-ed’ At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Frei-ed/Fried!? Geddit?!? Yeesh, that was a stinker.

Anyway, the crux of the matter is that Manchester United were almost turned over at home by FC Basel in the Champions League last night with Ashley Young heading home a last-minute equaliser to save face after the Swiss side cancelled out Danny Welbeck's quickfire double with three second-half goals from Alexander and Fabian Frei (no relation).

Graeme Souness Goes In Two-Footed On Carlos Tevez (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Graeme Souness didn't pull any punches when discussing Carlos Tevez on Sky last night. In a refreshing antidote to the usual boring, clichéd responses of UK TV pundits, the former Liverpool man labelled the Argentinian "a disgrace to football".

Viewers of RTE television in Ireland will be used to this kind of no-holds-barred pundity.

Youth Cup Ref Gets His Knickers In A Twist And Sends Off Five (And A Manager)

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By Alan Duffy


Referee Darren Adie put in a performance which Bath City's U18s would surely describe as "pants" in an FA Youth Cup clash with Newport County.

The official ordered a number of the Bath players to change their underpants, which were white and visible under their black shorts, thus contravening the law that states shorts and underpants/cycling shorts worn underneath must be the same colour.

Snapshot: Sheffield Star Get Simple ‘Clinton Morrison’ Headline All Kinds Of Wrong

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By Chris Wright

In which the Sheffield Star get a relatively simple, straight-forward headline pertaining to Owls' striker Clinton Morrison so very wrong on so very many counts...

He did what with Swindon's what-now?!? Personally, I find that quite hard to swallow.

Bayern Munich 2-0 Man City: Did Carlos Tevez Really Refuse To Play? (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Man City were given a bit of a humbling by Bayern Munich in the Champions League last night, eventually going down 2-0 in the Allianz Arena courtesy of a brace from Mario Gomez.

However, the major talking point emanated from the City bench where, according to a pretty peeved Roberto Mancini, Carlos Tevez flatly refused to enter the fray as a second-half substitute a claim that Tevez himself has denied this morning, citing that he was 'ready to play' and that it was all just a big 'misunderstanding'.

Valencia vs Chelsea: What Can We Expect From Fernando Torres This Time Out?

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By Chris Wright

"Christ! Is that you again Nando? I told you, not in public!"

Chelsea travel to Spain to take on Valencia in the Champions League tonight, a game that will see, among other things, Juan Mata return to Los Che in Chelsea blue for the first time after spending the last four seasons making his name at Los Che and a healthy dose of 'God knows what?

Valencia vs Chelsea: What Can We Expect From Fernando Torres This Time Out?

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By Chris Wright

"Christ! Is that you again Nando? I told you, not in public!"

Chelsea travel to Spain to take on Valencia in the Champions League tonight, a game that will see, among other things, Juan Mata return to Los Che in Chelsea blue for the first time after spending the last four seasons making his name at Los Che and a healthy dose of 'God knows what?

Shit Lookalikes: Lassana Diarra And A Beluga Whale

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By Alan Duffy

The Real Madrid midfielder was almost 'Arry Redknapp's catch of the day during the transfer window, but instead, stayed in Spain.

Retro Football: Neil Warnock’s Classic Half-Time Bollocking – Shrewsbury vs Huddersfield, 1995

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By Chris Wright

Picture the scene the year is 1995 and you're plying your trade with Huddersfield Town in the old second division.

You're wet-through, knackered and thoroughly miserable after finding yourself 2-0 down on a freezing cold, rain-sodden afternoon in Shrewbury and, as the referee's shrill whistle echoes around Gay Meadow, you know that an irate Neil Warnock is already storming off down the tunnel to concoct his half-time 'motivational speech'.

AC Milan Take To The Pitch Wearing Massive Fake Beards (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the AC Milan first-string run out to warm up before their 1-0 win over Cesena on Sunday with huge beards tacked to their faces. Why? All will become clear...

That's right, they're shamelessly shilling for Nivea!

Thanks to Pies fan Milutin Vujicic for the nudge.

Horror Hair Hall Of Fame: The 20 Worst Footballing Coifs Of All Time

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By Chris Wright

Part-inspired by Sandro's blue Roadkill Mullet-Hawk, welcome one-and-all to the Pies 'Horror Hair Hall Of Fame'. Let's dive straight in shall we?

(Warning: Those with a low resistance to wanton follicle abuse should probably turn around and leave right about.

Snapshot: Ronaldinho Gives Neymar A ‘Helping Hand’

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Brazil's training session in Belem ahead of their 'Superclasico de las Americas' second-leg run-out against Argentina tomorrow evening, Ronaldinho giving the pretender to his Selecao throne a 'helping hand' with a stretching exercise...

"Err, Ronny.

Top 15 Photos: Assorted Champions League Training

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the 15 most 'caption-tastic' photos from pre-Champions League training sessions across the continent(ish)...

"Just give that a sniff Danny, does it smell of broccoli to you?"

Bayern Munich's David Alaba is house-trained, though sadly not training pitch-trained

'The Chosen One' walks among the Ajax squad

"Oh right!

Rafael & Sylvie Van Der Vaart Meet Their New, Ever-So-Slightly Creepy Waxworks (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

He we go folks, the big one that you've all been waiting with bated breath for ever since we broke the GARGANTUAN news that Rafa and his lovely lady wife Sylvie were due for a waxing a couple of months back the big unveil at the Amsterdam branch of the world famous, ever-so-slightly creepy, heat-sensitive, wonky celebrity sculpture emporium that is Madame Tussauds.

Football GIF: Walter Pandiani Sweats Like A Mother-Lovin’ Beast On Repeat

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By Chris Wright

My god, it's...it's...amazing...

Thanks to Pies fan Uranus for sending this one in.

Norwich 2-1 Sunderland: Canaries Move Into Top-Half After First Home Win (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With both sides coming off the back of their first league victories last time out, it was Norwich that kept their momentum going at Carrow Road last night overcoming a fairly knackered-looking Sunderland to register their first home win of the campaign in front of an impressively large crowd for a rain-soaked Monday night.

Norwich 2-1 Sunderland: Canaries Move Into Top-Half After First Home Win (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

With both sides coming off the back of their first league victories last time out, it was Norwich that kept their momentum going at Carrow Road last night overcoming a fairly knackered-looking Sunderland to register their first home win of the campaign in front of an impressively large crowd for a rain-soaked Monday night.

The Brighton & Hove Albion/ Crystal Palace Rivalry Explained (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Playing on Tuesday night in the Championship, Brighton & Hove Albion and Crystal Palace have a lot of bad blood between them. This superb video explains just why!

Steve Gohouri Mistaken For Didier Drogba’s Boyfriend At Oktoberfest

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By Chris Wright

Ivory Coast teammates Didier Drogba and Steve Gohouri donned thier lederhosen and flew out to Munich on Sunday afternoon to sample a wee smidge of the Oktoberfest festivities currently engulfing the city and, by all accounts, had a gay old time though not quite as gay as a member of the German press would have it.

Brazilian Armed Police Fire Rubber Bullets At Fans (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

A stoppage-time penalty awarded to Fluminese in their clash with Atletico Paranaense, which they converted to earn a 1-1 draw, set off a chaotic end to the highly-charged Brazilian league game.

After the referee blew the final whistle, a section of the Atletico crowd gathered around the entrance to the dressing rooms, and had to be kept at bay by rifle-wielding police, who, according to a number of reports, fired rubber bullets at the protesting fans.

Olhanense Striker Knocked Unconscious, Stretchered Off, Dropped On Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Olhanense striker Salvador Agra is knocked completely sparko-doolally in a nasty collision during his side's 2-1 win over Uniao Leiria in the Portuguese top flight on Saturday, only to receive the finest pitchside medical treatment available a handful of coarse sea salt ground into his wounds courtesy of the club's slapstick medical team who dumped him on his head again one more time for luck before packing him into the back of an ambulance.

Theyab Awana, Scorer Of Outrageous Back-Heeled Penalty, Dies In Car Crash

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By Alan Duffy

Theyab Awana, the UAE winger who became an internet sensation after netting a supremely cheeky back-heeled penalty kick in the UAE's 7-2 demolition of Lebanon in July, has been killed in a car crash.

The 21-year-old was driving back to Abu Dhabi on Sunday evening after taking part in a national team training session in Al Ain when his car collided with a truck.

Andy Gray & Richard Keys Present New Football ‘Show’ From Park Bench (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exiled former-Sky sex-pests Andy Gray and Richard Keys have a new Youtube channel that features short clips of themselves and their guests spouting their opinions about the week's footballing comings-and-goings from a park bench.

Yep, you read that correctly a park bench.

Snapshot: Krylya Sovetov vs Dinamo Moscow Got A Little Damp Towards The End

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By Chris Wright

The rain in Russia falls mainly in the Metallurg Stadion, especially if this photo from Krylya's surprise 1-0 win over Dinamo Moscow on Saturday evening is anything to go by...

Sodden.

Photo via @JamesAppell

US College Side Serve Up Tremendous ‘Donkey Punch’ Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during their US College game against Mid-America Nazarene last week, the Oklahoma Baptist goalkeeper and centre-back spectacularly combine to produce what we can only see fit to brand a 'Donkey Punch' of an own-goal...

Dum-dumph!

The Plot Thickens: Bayern Munich’s Breno Arrested On Suspicion Of Burning Down His Own House

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By Chris Wright

Apologies as we're a little late on this one but, after bringing you news that Breno's house had been gutted by fire last week, news is filtering through that the Bayern Munich defender has been arrested by German police on suspicion of having started the blaze himself.

Raphael Varane Scores First Real Madrid Goal With Improvised Back-Heel Volley, Breaks Club Record (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid whooped Rayo Vallecano 6-2 at home on Saturday evening, a match which saw 18-year-and-152-day old defender Raphael Varane netted his first goal since moving to the Bernabeu from Lens over the summer with an improvised back-heel volley consequently becoming the youngest foreign player ever to score for Real in the process.

‘Thick, Naive And An Absolute Disgrace’ – Neil Warnock Vows To Fine The Bejesus Out Of Armand Traore After Villa Dismissal

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By Chris Wright

QPR manager Neil Warnock has vowed to fine Armand Traore 'the most money that he possibly can' after the left-back was sent-off in the final minute of the Hoops' 1-1 draw with Aston Villa for a headlong, reckless lunge on Marc Albrighton.

The dismissal came minutes before Richard Dunne's unfortunate own-goal equaliser, with QPR 1-0 down and chasing the game as the clock ticked over into stoppage time and Warnock (who was seen to grab Traore's arm and administer a few choice words as he made his way from the pitch) was not best pleased with his players' conduct, telling the BBC after the game:

"I just thought he was a disgrace, I will fine him as much as I possibly can.

‘Thick, Naive And An Absolute Disgrace’ – Neil Warnock Vows To Fine The Bejesus Out Of Armand Traore After Villa Dismissal

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By Chris Wright

QPR manager Neil Warnock has vowed to fine Armand Traore 'the most money that he possibly can' after the left-back was sent-off in the final minute of the Hoops' 1-1 draw with Aston Villa for a headlong, reckless lunge on Marc Albrighton.

The dismissal came minutes before Richard Dunne's unfortunate own-goal equaliser, with QPR 1-0 down and chasing the game as the clock ticked over into stoppage time and Warnock (who was seen to grab Traore's arm and administer a few choice words as he made his way from the pitch) was not best pleased with his players' conduct, telling the BBC after the game:

"I just thought he was a disgrace, I will fine him as much as I possibly can.

Horror Hair: Sandro Dyes ‘Roadkill Mullet-hawk’ Blue, Teams It With Matching Gumshield

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By Chris Wright

Sandro took his trademark 'two-day old roadkill/mullet/mohawk' up a notch for Tottenham's game against Wigan on Saturday, shifting through the hues from red to blue and then capping it all off by teaming his signature coif with a matching turquoise and yellow gumshield.

Snapshot: Maradona Passes UAE Driving Test, Shoe-Horned Into Tacky Driving School Advert

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: The cheapest-looking thing in Dubai for the 50 weeks a year that Wayne and Colleen aren't in residence...

Saints be praised, Al Wasl's new coach Diego Maradona has passed his UAE driving test a fact which the Belhasa Driving Centre in Dubai celebrated by shoe-horning him in to one of the most awkward football-themed adverts since Turkish Airlines decided it should be Ryan Giggs that was shown chatting up the stewardess.

Neck Of Steel: Jone Samuelsen Scores Immense Header From His Own Half vs Tromso (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Finding themselves 2-1 down at Odd Grenland as the game ticked over into injury time, Tromso threw everybody forward in search of a late equaliser it wasn't to be, as Odd midfielder Jone Samuelsen took the resultant opportunity to seal the deal, heading home from the 50-yard mark to seal a 3-1 victory.

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Aston Villa: Dunne Gifts Rangers A Point (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 1-1 Aston Villa Premier League September 25 2011

Aston Villa came within touching distance of registering a valuable win at Loftus Road before man-mountain Richard Dunne put through his own net in injury-time to level the scores.

West Bromwich Albion 0-0 Fulham: Clash Of the Strugglers Ends Goalless (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-0 Fulham Premier League 24 September 2011

These two sides have endured poor starts to the new Premier League season and this game was, in keeping with those starts, a rather mediocre affair.

The Cottagers bossed the first half but couldn't find a way through the Baggies' defence while in the second-half, Roy Hodgson's side looked far more accomplished but they also couldn't find a goal.

Newcastle United 3-1 Blackburn Rovers: Demba Goes Ba-llistic (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 3-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League September 24 2011

Blackburn Rovers failed to build on last week's 4-3 win against Arsenal, going down 3-1 to Newcastle at St James' Park.

The Magpies' summer signing Demba Ba was the star of the show, netting a hat-trick to keep Newcastle's unbeaten start to the league campaign in tact.

Wigan Athletic 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur: Lactic’s Tactics No Match For Spurs (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 24 September 211

Wigan produced a first-half display of utterly dismal defending to hand visitors Tottenham a two-goal lead after just 23minutes.

Honduran defender Maynor Figueroa was at fault for Tottenham's first, with his sloppy pass allowing Emmanuel Adebayor to set up Rafael van der Vaart.

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester United: Red Devils’ Winning Streak Ended By Crouch (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester United Premier League September 24

Manchester United saw their perfect start to the new Premier League campaign come to an end after a very difficult encounter with Stoke at the Britannia Stadium.

With Wayne Rooney sidelined with a hamstring injury, Antonio Valencia filling in at right-back for Jonny Evans, who limped out of the pre-match warm-up, and Michael Owen coming on for the injured Javier Hernandez after just 11 minutes, it just wasn't going to be United's day.

Manchester City 2-0 Everton: “Good Guy” Balotelli Inspires City Win (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 2-0 Everton Premier League September 24 2011

Substitutes Mario Balotelli and James Milner scored a goal each to earn the Citizens a home win against Everton. After the game, City boss Roberto Mancini praised his wayward Italian striker, saying: Â "Mario didn't start for three or four games but he has worked well, did not say anything and he was waiting for this moment.

Liverpool 2-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers: Stevie G Back In Action

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers  - Premier League September 24 2011

King Kenny's Liverpool side battled hard to end a disappointing run of two league defeats in a row against  a decent Wolves side.

Wolves' summer signing Roger Johnson opened the scoring with an unfortunate own-goal before Luis Suarez made it two before the break.

Chelsea 4-1 Swansea City: Torres Scores Again But Then Sees Red

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 4-1 Swansea City Premier League September 24 2011

Just when Fernando Torres looks to be finally rediscovering his goalscoring mojo he goes and messes it all up with a two-footed lunge on Swansea's Mark Gower.

The Spaniard had put the Blues 1-0 up on 29 minutes but only 10 minutes later he was traipsing off the Stamford Bridge turf after receiving a totally warranted red card.

Arsenal 3-0 Bolton Wanderers: “We Are Staying Up” Sing Gunners Fans (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 3-0 Bolton Wanderers Premier League September 24 2011

Gunners captain Robin van Persie made it a century of goals for Arsenal as Arsene Wenger's under-pressure charges produced a decent enough performance to beat Bolton 3-0 at the Emirates.

Shameless Brazilian Ref Dives After Doling Out Red Card (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during Mirassol's 3-0 victory over Workers in the Brazilian fourth-tier, referee Rodrigo Nunes de Sa sees fit to issue a Mirassol defender with a red card for something or other.

Taking umbrage at his dismissal, the No. 6 begins bawling in the official's face, twitching as if to threaten a head-butt, at which point De Sa hits the deck quicker than .

Spot The Baller: The Ultimate Warrior

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By Chris Wright

Something for the weekend...

Which Liverpool player is lurking behind The Warrior?

Previous answer: Who'd have thunk it? 'Twas young Johnny Heitinga hiding behind Gerard Depardieu's gigantic Gallic schnoz!

Walter Pandiani Sweats Like A Mother-Lovin’ Beast (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yes, this is an eight-minute video of a man sweating profusely, what of it? Feel free to skip around accordingly, and just keep an eye on that lovely light grey-ish blue shirt Mr Pandiani is sporting...

Introducing Gaguie: The 2012 African Cup Of Nations Mascot (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

January and February will see a number of Premier League managers once again bemoaning the loss of a number of their top players to the small matter of the African Cup of Nations.Â

However, while the players left behind freeze in a post-Christmas England , those headed for the heat in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea will come face to face with the tournament's new mascot, Gaguie, who was recently unveiled in Libreville to a rather unimpressed (see video) selection of dignitaries.

Jose Mourinho Is The New Face Of Braun, Names Heavily-Bearded Man As His Style Icon (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Huzzah! Razor-merchants Braun have just announced that they have thrust a small fortune Jose Mourinho's way in return for him signing up as their new 'global brand ambassador' meaning that he'll now be gouging people's eyes out with the supreme confidence that having a face as smooth as Isaac Hayes singing a ballad about a baby's bottom tends to afford a man.

Any Excuse: Rihanna Presented With Brazil Shirt After Sao Paulo Gig

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By Chris Wright

Not that we need much of an excuse to post a photo of Rihanna on the flimsiest of footballing pretexts, but here's the lovely Miss Fenty being presented with her very own Brazil shirt after performing in Sao Paulo t'other day...

She's off the mark, but Rihanna's still got a bloody long way to go before her football shirt collection reaches 'Snoop Dogg' levels

Via KCKRS

Shit Lookalikes: Marouane Chamakh & A Newborn, Placenta-Slathered Giraffe

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By Chris Wright

Marouane Chamakh: a man who clearly considers the contents of a newborn giraffe's birth sack to be 'hair product'. Someone get the lad some Vo5.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Is Josh McEachran The Spawn Of Satan?

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By Chris Wright

Yes, yes he is...

"Your soul, I must feast on it"

Arsenal Hit Back At Press Jibes Over Empty Seats At The Emirates

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By Alan Duffy

Following the Gunners' less-than-impressive 3-1 Carling Cup home victory over Shrewsbury Town during the week, the newspapers were quick to note the attendance at that game at the Emirates, (46,539)Â which was well below the stadium capacity.

However, the papers weren't so quick to highlight the far smaller crowds at the likes of the Etihad Stadium during the other mid-week Carling Cup games, something that obviously irked Arsenal themselves.

Shit Football Kits: Atletico Madrid’s Spider-Man 2 Abomination, 2004

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By Chris Wright

Back from the clear blue yonder, it's Pies' Shit Kits series (pause for applause, and...continue) and we thought we'd wade back into the water with a 'Grade A' doozy of a stinker namely, Atletico Madrid's frankly disgusting 'Spider-Man 2′ movie tie-in away strip from 2004.

Snapshot: New Euro 2012 Olympiyskiy Stadium Or Rebel Base On Hoth?

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By Chris Wright

One for the stadium buffs, here we have a photo showing the finishing touches being put to the canopy over the Olympiyskiy National Stadium in Kiev, Ukraine (i.e, the arena where the Euro 2012 final is scheduled to be played next summer) ahead of the ribbon-cutting ceremony on October 8th though you could be forgiven for thinking it was the roof of the Rebel Base on Hoth.

Snapshot: New Euro 2012 Olympiyskiy Stadium Or Rebel Base On Hoth?

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By Chris Wright

One for the stadium buffs, here we have a photo showing the finishing touches being put to the canopy over the Olympiyskiy National Stadium in Kiev, Ukraine (i.e, the arena where the Euro 2012 final is scheduled to be played next summer) ahead of the ribbon-cutting ceremony on October 8th though you could be forgiven for thinking it was the roof of the Rebel Base on Hoth.

Snapshot: Chelsea Name Carlo Ancelotti As Manager On Teamsheet vs Fulham

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By Chris Wright

In which Chelsea break the bad news to AVB in the harshest manner possible, informing him of his sacking via the official teamsheet for their Carling Cup tie with Fulham on Wednesday evening or someone in the club's IT department opened last year's Microsoft Word templates by mistake.

Diego Maradona Kicks Interfering Al-Wasl Fan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, shortly before securing his first victory as Al Wasl coach (a 3-0 victory over Emirates), Diego Maradona clambers over the hoardings for a quick photo with a banner draped over the fencing only to be rudely and repeatedly interrupted by a grabby Al Wasl fan, an unfortunate individual whom El Diego duly dispatches with minimum fuss.

Jay-Jay Okocha’s Classic Humiliation Of Oliver Kahn (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

One of the great dribbling demons of the last 20 years, Augustine Azuka "Jay-Jay" Okocha made his name in the Bundesliga with Eintracht Frankfurt before cultivating his legendary status at Fenerbahce, PSG, Bolton Wanderers , Qatar SC and finally, none other than Hull City.

Ricardo Quaresma Attempts Showboat, Buggers It Up, Gets Sent Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Don't you just love it when karma intervenes?

Video: 101GG

Owen Hargeaves: I Was Used As A “Guinea Pig” At Manchester United

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By Alan Duffy


Following his Lazarus-like comeback and goal for Manchester City during the week, Owen Hargreaves' rediscoverd strength in his legs seems to have worked its way up to his mouth.

The Canadian-born England man now claims that, during his injury-plagued time at United, he was given treatments which may well have done him more harm than good.

Snapshot: Carlos Tevez Photobombs The Living Daylights Out Of Balotelli & Aguero

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By Chris Wright

Image: @MCFC

Eran Zahavi Scores 25-Yard Scorcher 15 Seconds Into Palermo Debut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Not quite his finest work (more on that shortly), but Eran Zahavi certainly has an eye for the spectacular marking his first league start for Palermo since joining from Hapoel Tel Aviv over the summer with a pearler from the edge of the box with just 15 seconds on the clock.

Scottish Sky Sports Reporter Really, REALLY Enjoys Falkirk’s Injury-Time Winner Against Rangers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

His name is Peter Martin, he works for Sky Sports News and we think he might just be a Falkirk supporter judging by his reaction when Mark Millar scored a 93rd-minute free-kick to dump Rangers out of the Scottish League Cup last night...

Via F365

Shit Miss: Valencia’s Soldado Pokes Open Goal Wide From Yard Out vs Barcelona (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Victor Valdes stranded beyond the front post and the Barcelona goal yawning in front of him, Valencia's principle goal-scorer Roberto Soldado managed to pull this horrendous shank out of the bag at the Mestalla last night...

Let it be known that Soldado would and should have been putting Valencia 3-1 up here, instead Los Che went on to be pegged back at 2-2 thanks to a late-ish equaliser from Cesc Fabregas.

South American Linesman Hit With Roll Of Paper, Milks It Like Brawny Bavarian Dairy Maid, Gets Game Called Off

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By Chris Wright

Here we see linesman Milciades Saldivar, flat out on the touchline after being pelted with a projectile during the South American Cup game between Universidad de Chile and Nacional in Montevideo last night...

The 'projectile', as can clearly be seen in the photo above, was nothing more than a rolled-up paper streamer a missile that would way no more than a few grammes even if it were wet-through.

Top 10 League Cup Photos: Owen Hargreaves Returns With A 25-Yard Belter

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten (just don't count them, okay?) best photos from Wednesday evening's League Cup action...

Brighton's Craig Noone puts his hands on his head after seeing his dipping 20-yard drive clip the top of the Liverpool crossbar

Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini rises highest to beat West Brom's Jonas Olsson in the air

Brighton's Ashley Barnes celebrates after pulling one back against Liverpool from the penalty spot

"Barcelona!

Top 10 League Cup Photos: Owen Hargreaves Returns With A 25-Yard Belter

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten (just don't count them, okay?) best photos from Wednesday evening's League Cup action...

Brighton's Craig Noone puts his hands on his head after seeing his dipping 20-yard drive clip the top of the Liverpool crossbar

Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini rises highest to beat West Brom's Jonas Olsson in the air

Brighton's Ashley Barnes celebrates after pulling one back against Liverpool from the penalty spot

"Barcelona!

Caption This: Roberto Mancini – The Very Picture Of Italian Sartorial Elegance

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "Don't Be A Mancini To South Central While Picking Your Team In The Hood"

You say?

Liverpool Flop Milan Jovanovic May Be Gunned Down By Five-Year Ban (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


He may not have made much of an impression at Anfield, but Serbian attacker Milan Jovanovic is certainly causing a stir in Belgium.

The Anderlecht player faces a whopping five-year ban after firing an imaginary machine gun at opposition fans during a goal celebration in the clash with Bruges last month.

Top 10 Strikers Turned Centre-Halves: From Warhurst To Berbatov (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

In a move which will no doubt have taunted the Elland Road faithful, Sir Alex Ferguson moved striker Dimitar Berabtov back into a central defensive role (alongside Michael Carrick, no less) for the final stages of United's comfortable victory over Leeds United on Tuesday evening.

Shit Lookalikes: Arsene Wenger & Judge Roban From BBC 4′s Spiral

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By Alan Duffy

One is a world-weary Frenchman, whose judgement is not always above criticism, the other.... etc etc...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and slap ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Dumbass Keeper Poleaxed By Her Own Goalpost (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Natural selection' at it's non-fatal best...

Video: Kistengang

The Return Of ‘Spot The Baller’: Gerard Depardieu

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By Chris Wright

Back by semi-popular demand, it's the Spot The Baller!

Tell me, who is the Toffee behind the face of everyone's favourite liver-pickling, plane-pissing Gallic thesp Gerard Depardieu?

Answers as and when.

Retro Football: Kenny Dalglish’s Shambolic Open Goal Miss vs Man Utd, 1980

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By Chris Wright

I'll just leave this clip of King Kenny shanking one wide from about 30cm after the buccaneering Alan Hansen had busted Manchester United's insanely stupid offside trap wide open at Old Trafford in April of 1980 here, and leave you to insert your own 'Fernando Torres' jokes as you see fit.

2011/12 Premier League Preview: Week 6

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So, here's this week's fixtures brought to you in conjunction with our betting sponsors TheVIPGambler . This week's game of the week focuses on two clubs who, uncharacteristically, haven't got off to the greatest of starts this season, which has led to speculations as to who will be the first Premier League manager filling out forms down the job centre Arsenal vs.

Hope Solo & Steve ‘Part Gorilla, Part Leopard’ Nash Square Off On FIFA 12 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the 30th September release date crowning on the horizon, the FIFA 12 Hype Machine is ramped all the way up to eleven at the moment and the EA virals are coming thick and fast the lastest seeing Hope Solo squaring off against Steve 'kinda like a gorilla and a leopard' Nash in a duel to the death game of pixel-based football.

Did Cristiano Ronaldo Give Santander Fans The Middle Finger Salute? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Cristiano Ronaldo is seen doling out the old middle-finger salute while boarding the Real Madrid coach after getting a pretty rough reception from fans gathered at Santander Airport...

It's all a bit 'Meh' in this humble scribe's opinion, but Ronaldo's gesture seems to have caused a wee bit of a stir in Spanish media circles, with a couple of outlets admonishing such a heinous act of aloof petulance while pro-Real spout MARCA are unsurprisingly claiming that the Portuguese greaser was in fact just flipping Pepe the bird an explanation that seems entirely plausible to me.

Dismal Result That Broke The Camel’s Back – Gasperini Sacked After Inter Spanked 3-1 By Minnows Norvara

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By Chris Wright

Word is filtering through that Gian Piero Gasperini has been sacked as Inter Milan coach the morning after overseeing the Nerazzurri's dismal outing against newly-promoted minnows Norvara last night -

The 3-1 defeat proved to be the straw that buggered the camel into submission, leaving Gasperini with a pretty woeful record of one draw and four defeats in his first five competitive games.

Football GIF: Lionel Messi Dedicates Osasuna Goal To 10-Year Old Double-Amputee

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By Chris Wright

Several months after first meeting him for the first time in Barcelona, Lionel Messi promised 10-year old double-amputee (and bona fide, card-carrying 'Messi superfan' his prosthetic legs are inscribed with Messi's name and shirt number) Soufian that he would dedicate a goal to him if when he scored the day before Barca tonked Osasuna 8-0 on Saturday and the man kept his word, patting his legs after prodding home his first goal of the evening.

Gerard Pique Is A Little Too ‘Clingy’ In FIFA 12 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Looks like EA's 'revolutionary' new FIFA 12 impact engine has gotten the better of Gerard Pique...

Jesus, get a room.

Top 10 League Cup Photos: Shrews, Wolves, Eagles And Windswept Sheep

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the photos from last night's League Cup third round action...

The sun sets dramatically behind Elland Road before kick-off of Leeds' game against Manchester United

Wolves' Richard Stearman and Millwall's John Marquis do battle in the air over Molineux.

Tubize’s Andrei Scores Superb Bullet Diving-Header Own Goal vs RAEC Mons (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often we feature action from the Belgian Cup but when you get gifted with a peach like this...well, it would be remiss of us not to share.

Specifically, the game in question is Jupiler League side RAEC Mons' trip to second-tier outfit Tubize last night, in which Tubize defender Andrei gave his opponent's a helping hand/head on their way to a routine 3-0 victory by charging full-beans into the box and bulleting an unstoppable diving header past his own keeper from 12 yards.

Snapshot: Fenerbahce Ban Male Supporters From Stadium, Play In Front Of 41,000 Women And Children

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By Chris Wright

Mmmm, can you just smell the oestrogen? More than 41,000 women and children filled the Sukru Saracoglu Stadium to watch Fenerbahce play against Manisapor last night, thanks to a pretty slick sanction placed on the club by the Turkish FA as punishment for several recent spates of crowd disturbance and supporter dickhead-ery

Originally, the powers that be ordered Fenerbahce to play their next two games behind closed doors, though the ruling was altered before the Manisapor game to allow only women and children under the age of 12 into the stadium to watch the match for free.

Snapshot: QPR Suck-Up Joey Barton Caught Reading Neil Warnock’s Autobiography

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By Chris Wright

Submitted for your perusal, Joey Barton leafing through Neil Warnock's autobiography 'Made In Sheffield' ("The f**king referee's only gone an gi' 'em a penalty when the lad's gone down in the box like a f**king Jessie. I gave 'im a piece of my nauseatingly no-nonsense Northern mind in the tunnel afterwards.

Bayern Munich Don Lederhosen For Annual Oktoberfest Knees-Up (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Around this time every year, the Bayern Munich squad celebrate the onset of Oktoberfest by talcing up and slithering into their lederhosen for a traditional Paulaner photo shoot here are the best snaps from this year's, which took place at the club's training ground yesterday.

Street Magician Dynamo Returns, Frazzles Bobby Zamora’s Brain (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember Dynamo? The guy that pulled Premier League tickets out of thin air and then reduced Nemanja Vidic to a puddle of bubbling silicon and nano-circuitry?

Well the boy's back, and this time he's bamboozling the living daylights out of Jermain Defoe, Jermaine Jenas and Fulham's Bobby Z with some neat sleight-of-hand.

Bayern Munich Defender Breno Spends Night In Hospital After House Gutted By Fire

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By Chris Wright

News emanating from Germany this afternoon is that that Bayern Munich's Brazilian defender Breno spent the night in hospital to undergo treatment for smoke inhilation after his home in Gruenwald was gutted by a fire that started shortly after midnight last night.

Sport Magazine Admit To Fab-rication Of Cesc Story

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By Alan Duffy

You can (obviously) believe everything you read at Pies, but as for everywhere else, don't believe a word. "Sport" magazine caused a bit of a furore recently when they printed an interview with Barcelona new-boy Cesc Fabregas, in which the former Arsenal captain was quoted as saying that he left the Gunners as they had no chance of winning a trophy in the foreseeable future.

Fernando Torres’ Dismal Miss Recreated Faithfully On FIFA 11 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to Pies fans Sultan and Redskywalker for the nudge.

Newcastle United Boss Alan Pardew: Ben Arfa Is A Heineken Player

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By Alan Duffy

He may have barely kicked a ball for Newcastle, but according boss Alan Pardew, French winger Hatem Ben Arfa can bring a missing creativity to the Magpies.

"Pards" said: "He's a player that can reach heights that other players can't reach, that Heineken player if you like.

Man City Unveil Plans For Swanky New £100m Training Complex (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard over the past few days, Man City are currrently immersed in plans to develop the 80-odd acres of derelict wasteland currently lying vacant next to the Etihad Stadium...

...into a new, £100-million training complex complete with 15 full-size pitches (including one indoor pitch), on-site sleeping accommodation for 72 players (40 youth teamers and 32 members of the first string), a medical/rehab centre (for Kolo Toure) and a 7,000 capacity stadium for reserve and youth string matches.

The Black-And-White Years: 10 Exquisite Photos From The Football Archives

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By Chris Wright

Today is a bit of a 'down day' in footballing terms, so what better way to fill the void than with another ten-strong random selection of intriguing, nostalgic photos from the Pies archive?

Hundreds of fans pour onto the Estadio Centenario pitch at the final whistle to celebrate Uruguay's 4-2 victory over Argentina in the first ever World Cup Final, 1930

England internationals Stanley Matthews, Stanley Mortensen (both of Blackpool) and George Hardwick (Middlesbrough) take part in the filming of an FA instructional film, 1947

'Der Kaiser' Franz Beckenbauer poses with a NASL ball for a photo in front of the Rockefeller Centre in New York after re-joining the Cosmos for the final year of his playing career, 1983

Huddersfield and Charlton play out their Division One game on a dog of a pitch, 1947

The Italian national side pose with Benito Mussolini (centre) after winning the 1938 World Cup in France

England's Terry Venables limbers up during a training session at Stamford Bridge ahead of a friendly against Belgium, 1964

Aston Villa pose for their pre-season team photoback row, 1971

Referee Alan Robinson finds something or other highly amusing, 1985

Arsenal manager Billy Wright (left) quibbles with referee AJ Sturgeon after the latter had no option but to postpone a match due to the ghostly covering of snow on the Highbury pitch, 1962

Flamboyant rock 'n' rollers Little Richard and Screaming Lord Sutch (along with his parrot) enjoy a kick-about on the Wembley turf ahead of a charity game, 1972

[Photos: PA]

Shit Lookalikes: Gervinho & Predator

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By Alan Duffy

Like the fearsome alien, Gervinho is also a predator etc etc....

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and wallop ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Jimmy Bullard Decides Free-Kick Duties With ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Ipswich pair Jimmy Bullard and Keith Andrews rile manager Paul Jewell by undermining a week's worth of set-piece training by deciding free-kick duties with an impromptu game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' during the Tractor Boy's 3-0 win over Coventry in the Championship last night.

Snapshot: QPR Provide Shaun Wright-Phillips With High Chair

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By Chris Wright

Better late than never, this mirthful snapola dates back to Friday when the QPR boys (led by you know who) sent out a search party after a certain semi-dwarven winger failed to show up at the dinner table...

"Anyone seen SWP?

Football GIF: Fernando Torres’ Miserable Miss vs Man Utd – On Infinite Loop For Eternity

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By Chris Wright

One for you Manchester United/Liverpool fans to cut out and keep...

GIF: Inagist

Is Pepe The Most Despicable, Detestable Player In World Football?

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By Chris Wright

I'm usually fairly passive when it comes to getting riled up over football, but I routinely make an exception for Real Madrid's ankle-buster in chief, Pepe.

Dear sweet Jesus-on-a-stick how I hate this disgusting, conniving, cowardly, nefarious, maliciously-unhinged c**t with the burning passion of a thousand suns the most recent case in point being his Achilles-shredding, head-kicking assault on Levante's Xavi Torres during Madrid's shock 1-0 defeat over the weekend.

Sunderland 4-0 Stoke City: Black Cats Earn A Brucie Bonus (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Despite spending a fair amount of money on his Sunderland team, Steve Bruce has endured a rather rubbish start to the season. However, at home to Stoke on Sunday, the Black Cats finally marked their territory by weeing all over the Potters.

Not famed for his goalscoring ability, Titus Bramble opened the scoring while summer signings Craig Gardner and Seb Larsson also helped to give the Black Cats their first win of the new season.

Devious Lucio Kicks Maarten Stekelenburg In The Head, Knocks Him Unconscious (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, on Saturday evening, Inter defender Lucio (a perennially sneaky bastard) takes his opportunity to administer a devious kick to Maarten Stekelenburg's temple and duly knocks the prone Roma keeper unconscious...

Stekenlenburg was stretchered from the field completely sparko in a neck brace, but thankfully has 'avoided any serious injury' according to the Giallorossi website no thanks to a certain borderline-feral, monobrowed Brazilian centre-half.

Shit Lookalikes: Andres Villas-Boas & Mr Bean

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By Chris Wright

Got to love AVB and his vast gamut of rubbery touchline poses...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and wallop ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Russian Side Rip-Off Completely Pointless ‘Fish Flop’ Headed Free-Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Russian second-tier side FC Ural try their hand at the utterly pointless 'fish flop' headed free-kick against Alanyia, with Nikolay Safronidi flobbing to the ground to nudge a dead ball into his teammate's path with his dense thatch of downy eyebrow plumage.

Snapshot: Sandefjord Keepers Lose Tennis Bet, Made To Train Naked

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By Chris Wright

We're all fans of male nudity here on Pies right? Right? Right.

On Friday, Sandefjord's junior keepers Stian Antonsen Marius Bentzen challenged the Norwegian side's veteran goalies to a game of 'football tennis', duly lost and, as a forfeit, were forced to hand in their dignity at the changing room door.

Tottenham Hotspur 4-0 Livepool: King Kenny’s Crown Slips Again (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 4-0 Liverool Premier League 18 September 2011

On the evidence of this game, it is 'Arry Redknapp's Spurs side which are looking more like top four contenders than Liverpool. Kenny Dalglish's side were totally outplayed on Sunday by a Tottenham side inspired by impish schemer Luka Modric.

Fulham 2-2 Manchester City: Citizens Arrest At The Cottage (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

While the red half of Manchester were gunning down Chelsea at Old Trafford, City weren't having it quite so easy against another west London side.

Despite going two up, courtesy of Sergio Aguero, second half goals from Bobby Zamora and Danny Murphy spoiled the visitors trip to the capital.

Statshot: Nani vs Cristiano Ronaldo – First 100 Man Utd Games

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By Chris Wright

At the risk of causing Manchester United-related overload seizures, here's a little Sky infographic comparing Nani's first 100 games for United against that of Cristiano Ronaldo and, rather surprisingly, the former comes out on top by quite a margin as far as assists are concerned.

Joey Barton Politely Informs Wolves Fans Of The Score (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Joey! What's the score? Joey, Joey, what's the score?"

"Thanks!"

Man Utd 3-1 Chelsea: Everything Bar The Troupe Of Dancing Chimpanzees (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Like basketball' was Sir Alex's assessment of the assorted hijinks at Old Trafford yesterday afternoon and it's hard to fault him on that one four decent goals, relentless end-to-end football, insane open-goal misses, fluffed penalties, hideous tackles: there wasn't an awful lot missing, save for a troupe of can-canning burlesque chimpanzees but you can't have it all, now can you?

Ashley Cole’s ‘Shocking’ Tackle On Javier Hernandez (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you would expect, Sir Alex Ferguson has been quick to out Ashley Cole's shin-high tackle on Javier Hernandez as 'shocking', adding that the Mexican striker is now likely to miss the next fortnight with a 'numb leg' see what you make of it...

Remarkably, Cole actually was booked for fouling Hernandez in the area, though somehow escaped a penalty call with referee Phil Dowd stating that the ball had gone out of play a split-nano second before the Chelsea left-back planted his studs into his opponent's calf.

Ashley Cole’s ‘Shocking’ Tackle On Javier Hernandez (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you would expect, Sir Alex Ferguson has been quick to out Ashley Cole's shin-high tackle on Javier Hernandez as 'shocking', adding that the Mexican striker is now likely to miss the next fortnight with a 'numb leg' see what you make of it...

Remarkably, Cole actually was booked for fouling Hernandez in the area, though somehow escaped a penalty call with referee Phil Dowd stating that the ball had gone out of play a split-nano second before the Chelsea left-back planted his studs into his opponent's calf.

Monumental FAIL: Fernando Torres’ Awful Open Goal Miss vs Man Utd (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'll have more on the game later this morning, but for the two of you who haven't seen it yet here's poor old Fernando Torres (who, to be fair, had already scored a lovely goal to get Chelsea off the mark at 3-1) and his woeful, caricature-bolstering open goal howler at Old Trafford yesterday.

Everton 3-1 Wigan Athletic

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By Alan Duffy

David Moyes' Everton side produced a valuable 3-1 win against Wigan despite putting out a first 11 with no natural strikers.

Tim Cahill lead the line for the Toffees but it was debut goals from Apostolos Vellios and Royston Drenthe (after a strike from Phil "Jags" Jagielka) which won the game for the home side.

Blackburn Rovers 4-3 Arsenal

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By Alan Duffy

A trademark shambolic defensive performance from Arsene Wenger's sorry side handed Blackburn Rovers a much-needed victory.

Two own-goals, and two other badly-defended Rovers' attacks gifted the home side the victory in a game the Gunners dominated.

Bolton Wanderers 1-2 Norwich City

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By Alan Duffy

Owen Coyle's Bolton lost again, this time at home to new-boys Norwich City, and suddenly the pressure is starting to mount on the former Republic of Ireland international.

The Canaries were already two up, courtesy of goals from Anthony Pilkington and Bradley Johnson, when striker Ivan Klasnic was sent off for a rather weak attempt at a head-butt.

Aston Villa 1-1 Newcastle United

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By Alan Duffy

Free from (in his opinion) the negative influence of former boss Gerard Houllier, England's forgotten man Gabriel Agbonlahor netted his third goal of the season for Villa in their 1-1 draw with Newcastle United.

Leon Best bagged the equaliser for the Magpies, with the midfield duo of Cabaye and Tioté impressing again.

Swansea City 3-0 West Bromwich Albion

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By Alan Duffy

Brendan Rogers' Swansea City side play attractive football, but before yesterday, they had failed to make that positivie play count in the top tier.

However, against the Baggies, the Swans cantered to a 3-0 victory, courtesy of their first three goals of the new campaign.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-3 Queens Park Rangers

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By Alan Duffy

The ubiquitous Joey Barton netted his first goal for QPR before getting involved in a fracas as only the former Newcastle man can.

Additional goals from Alejandro Faurlin and DJ Campbell secured the comfortable victory against a dismal Wolves side.

Shit Lookalikes: West Brom’s Peter Odemwingie & House Diva Ultra Nate

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By Alan Duffy

West Brom's Nigerian striker, with hair bleached blonde, failed to score in the Baggies' dismal 3-0 defeat at the hands of Premier League new-boys, Swansea City.

US dancefloor diva Ultra Naté hasn't scored a big (pop) hit of her own since the late nineties.

Blackburn Boss Steve Kean Interviewed By Giant After Arsenal Win

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By Alan Duffy

Delighted at his side's fantastic 4-3 win against a defensively atrocious Arsenal side, Blackburn boss Steve Kean still looked like a tiny schoolboy talking to a mountainous headmaster in his post-match interview.

Just how tall was that interviewer?

Sky Sports News Exclusive: Elano Signs For QPR

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By Alan Duffy

Soccer Saturday's very own vidiprinter, the one which spews out all the goals and cards from the day's games as Jeff Stelling and his panel of ill-prepared pundits indulge in cringeworthy in-jokes and back-slapping, is, like Paul Merson and co.

Wayward Shot Hits Ballboy Square In The Face, Crowd Cheers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The poor little lamb...

Video: Kistengang

Chelsea Photobombing Spree Continues – Gurning Luiz, Ivanovic & Ferreira Invade Team Photos

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By Chris Wright

Photo- and video-bombing the bejesus each other is a tradition that is taken very seriously down Chelsea way (see here and here for details) and with the cameras knocking around at Cobham for the club's official team photo shoot, serial offenders David Luiz, Paulo Ferreira and Branoslav Ivanovic just couldn't help themselves.

‘If You Stink, Come And Buy Cologne’ – David Beckham Goes Undercover As Perfume Salesman (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which David Beckham goes undercover as 'Ricky', a perfume salesman in a department store, for a hidden camera sketch for the Ellen Degeneres show (in a similar vein to the massage parlour ruse the pair pulled last year) and you know what? It isn't as horrible as it sounds.

Horror Hair: Tottenham’s Sandro Unveils Horrendous ‘Road Kill’ Mohawk Mullet

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By Chris Wright

Looking like a head-full of two-day old roadkill, here's a little look at Sandro's new barnet...

RUFIO! RUFIO!

What, pray tell, do you make of that then?

[Image: Paul King]

QPR’s Renaissance Man Joey Barton Buys A Banksy

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By Alan Duffy

Not content with sporting an uber-trendy haircut atop his bonce and quoting Nietzsche, Joey Barton's transformation into a footballing Nathan Barley has taken another very cred turn, with the bad-boy picking up a Banksy at a charity auction in Kensal Green.

Snapshot: ‘Super Fan’ Moves Into One-Bedroom Flat Inside Wisbech Town’s Ground

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is Spenny Larham.

He's 41, an avid supporter of Rigeons League Premier Division side Wisbech Town (someone's got to be) and he's just ditched his family home he's got two kids in the centre of the Cambridgeshire town to move into the former security hut at the club's Elgoods Fenland Stadium, a tiny building which has recently been renovated into a one-bedroom flat with unparalleled views out across the pitch.

Cesc Fabregas Shows His Arsenal DNA On Twitter

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By Alan Duffy


Despite finally making the move to his boyhood Barcelona, Cesc Fabregas still has feelings for Arsenal, according to his latest Tweets.

The World Cup winner was reported to have told Sport Magazine that Arsenal had no chance of winning a trophy soon, a state of affairs which played a big part in his decision to quit north London.

Topless Female Dynamo Kiev Fan Bounces In The Stands (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short, sweet, ever-so-slightly disappointed and possibly NSFW if, say, you happen to work at a monastery. A female Dynamo Kiev fan gets her lady bumps out and bounces along with the boys during last night's Europa League tie with Stoke with only a strategically-placed scarf keeping an untimely nipocalypse at bay.

Paolo Maldini: Il Capitano (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Paolo Maldini. Il Capitano. The longest-serving one-club man in football history. He's won everything there is to win and then done it all again. A man who stood on the very apex of committed defending for almost 25 years. Cultured, consummate and quintessentially Italian.

Retro Snapshot: Sir Bobby Charlton Poses With His First 100 England Caps, 1970

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By Chris Wright

Sir Bobby Charlton poses alongside his vast blue velvet hat collection at his home in Cheshire in May of 1970 after winning his 100th England cap the previous week against Nothern Ireland (scoring his penultimate 48th international goal in the process)...

Ready for your close-up Mr Charlton?

Sporting KC’s C.J Sapong Professes His Love For Hope Solo Via The Medium Of Rap (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sporting KC's C.J Sapong serenades Hope Solo with a slightly unsettling/cringe-inducing rap mid-way through the USWNT's training session at Kansas' training ground...

Yes, yes, I know. It's another Hope Solo post. My legal team would like me to point out that I am in no way stalking her, and that the 'glint of a binocular lens' in the bushes outside her house the other night was just the wind.

Fiorentina’s Alberto Gilardino Gets Boozed Up After Scoring First Goal Of The Season

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By Alan Duffy


Italian international striker Alberto Gilardino was rewarded for netting Fiorentina's first goal of the new Serie A campaign against Bologna by receiving one hundred bottles of Chianti from the Chianti Wine Consortium, which will be presented to the player by the Consortium's president, Giovanni Busi.

Europa League: Top 10 Photos – Stoke Crotch Tweak, Lazio Fan Of Doom, Flares & Fainting

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By Chris Wright

Pies pick of the ten best photos from yesterday evening's round of Europa League tomfoolery...

Birmingham mascots Belle and Beau brave the darkness to salute the St Andrews crowd before their 3-1 defeat to Portuguese side Braga

Shamrock Rovers' Craig Sives launches into an unorthodox tackle on Rubin Kazan's Salvatore Bocchetti at the Tallaght Stadium, Dublin.

The Perfect Strike: Wayne Rooney Plugs New Nike ‘T90 Laser IV’ Boots (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Wayne Rooney, in search of the 'pair-fikt straich' in his brand new Nike T90 Laser IV's...

For those whom it may concern, Rooney will be rolling out his new T90′s for the first time in Manchester United's heavyweight clash with Chelsea at Old Trafford on Sunday.

Macclesfield Score Their Fastest Ever Goal

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By Alan Duffy

Forget all that sophisticated passing the ball around nonsense, Ben Tomlinson and Macclesfield cut to the chase from the kick off in their League Two clash with Morcambe this week.

Taking the direct route, Tomlinson netted an historic (fastest ever) goal for Macclesfield on the way to a 1-1 draw with Morecambe, with the action taking just seven seconds from kick off to goal.

Gabriel Agbonlahor: Gerrard Houllier Ruined My England Prospects

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By Alan Duffy

One wonders how much good new boss Alex McLeish will do for his Villa players' international prospects, but according to muscular hitman Gabriel Agbonlahor, former manager Gerard Houllier "killed" his England hopes.

The striker said: "Gerard was not much of a talker, it was more McAllister, but he was not very good to be honest.

Shit Lookalikes: Wolves Crest & The Sky Over Telford

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By Chris Wright

Spotted by Wolves fan Luke Fellows, whose snap of the clouds parting over Telford has gone viral over the last few days as irrefutable proof that 'God is a Wolves fan'...

Of course, this isn't the first instance on record of Mother Nature favouring the Old Gold.

Macclesfield Score Their Fastest Ever Goal

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By Alan Duffy

Forget all that sophisticated passing the ball around nonsense, Ben Tomlinson and Macclesfield cut to the chase from the kick off in their League Two clash with Morcambe this week.

Taking the direct route, Tomlinson netted an historic (fastest ever) goal for Macclesfield on the way to a 1-1 draw with Morecambe, with the action taking just seven seconds from kick off to goal.

2011/12 Premier League Preview: Week 5

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Forgive me for feeling a bit smug after predicting a 1-0 win for Stoke against Liverpool last week. So might Tony Pulis' team be surprise Champions league contenders? Weirder things have happened.

Liverpool's admittedly slightly freaky loss underlines that it is still pretty much open season for that fourth Champions league slot.

Football GIF: Portly Man City Fan Mistimes His ‘Poznan’

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Man City's game against Napoli last night, a tubby City fan horribly mistimes his 'Poznan' celebration after Aleksandar Kolarov's equaliser...

Awkward. Love how the misfiring buffoon tries to rope his son in too!

Joe Cole Sings ‘Maybe It’s Because I’m A Londoner’ To New Lille Teammates (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we have Joe Cole chirruping his way through a chorus of the Cockney standard 'Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner' in front of his new Gallic teammates as a kind of initiation rite/'embarrass the fresh meat' kind of thing (either that or the after-dinner entertainment at Lille really does suck the big one) and, to be fair to Joey, he gives it the beans.

Prone Player Booted In Head Twice As Argentinian Match Descends Into Brutal Brawl (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Argentinian fifth tier (Liga Ceresina) match between Atletico Libertad de Villa Trinidad and Deportivo Ferro de San Cristobal descends into a brutal brawl after Atletico took a 3-2 lead a spiralling dust-up that saw a prone player booted across the face twice in quick succession (1:30 mark) and the match referee taken to hospital with head injuries.

Leandro Damiao Almost Breaks Deadlock In Flamboyant Style vs Argentina (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The friendly between Argentina and Brazil finished goalless in Cordoba last night, though Selecao striker Leandro Damiao (who is known to be on the radar of many-a-European club) almost, almost broke the deadlock in the second half in outrageously flamboyant style.

Man City 1-1 Napoli: Mancini Admits ‘Nerves’ As City Open With Draw (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

In the words of Roberto Mancini, Man City looked decidedly 'nervous' throughout their maiden Champions League outing against Napoli at the Etihad last night, going behind in the 67th minute when Edinson Cavani swept home through Joe Hart's pins after the Italians rushed City with an impulsive three-pronged counter-attack.

Bloody Snapshot: Cristiano Ronaldo’s Shredded Ankle After Dinamo Zagreb Game

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By Chris Wright

That looks quite painful there, Cristiano lad.

After the game, Ronaldo (who had to have stitches in the wound after the game if Marcelo is to be believed) was seething with the official in charge, Norway's Svein Moen, telling the Madrid website:

"I hope we never have this referee again, he was shameful.

Sir Alex Gets Stroppy With Dalglish’s Daughter In Post-Benfica Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sir Alex Ferguson takes umbrage at ITV reporter Kelly Cates' line of questioning post-Benfica and has a bit of a snippy wee strop, claiming she is 'just looking for stupid little things' when repeatedly asking about United's goalkeeping situation ahead of this weekend's game against Chelsea.

Sir Alex Gets Stroppy With Dalglish’s Daughter In Post-Benfica Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sir Alex Ferguson takes umbrage at ITV reporter Kelly Cates' line of questioning post-Benfica and has a bit of a snippy wee strop, claiming she is 'just looking for stupid little things' when repeatedly asking about United's goalkeeping situation ahead of this weekend's game against Chelsea.

Benfica 1-1 Man Utd: Giggs Makes It ’22 In A Row’ As United Snaffle A Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

AQUILA!!!

With Benfica looking like the better side for long swathes of the match, it took a superb 42nd-minute equaliser from Ryan Giggs (who, as you are now probably aware, has scored in each of his 22 years as a pro an absolutely remarkable feat) to cancel out Oscar Cardozo's smartly taken opener.

Stoke Boss Tony Pulis: Jonathan Woodgate Too Frail To Fly

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By Alan Duffy

Jonathan Woodgate's career has been utterly ruined by injury, which may be some kind of karma for his involvement in the attack on an Asian student back in 2000. Still, despite his immense talent, the 31-year-old central-half has struggled to stay fit for any decent length of time since leaving Leeds United in 2003.

This Way For An Utterly Pitiful Own Goal From Saudi Arabia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during his side's 2-1 U23 Prince Faisal Bin Fahad Cup win over Al Ansar, Al Hilal's Radwan Al-Moosa pops up completely unmarked at the back stick to apply a consumate finishing touch (on the volley) to his opponent's lame cross/tame shot..

Football GIF: Alessandro Nesta’s Heroic Sliding Tackle On Lionel Messi

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By Chris Wright

In which Milan's wily old centre-half Alessandro Nesta shows the world just how you dispossess Lionel Messi with a nigh-on perfect, clean-as-a-whistle sliding tackle...

A nigh-on perfect, clean-as-a-whistle sliding tackle that wee Leo is obviously not overly accustomed to.

Swivel And Fire: Vancouver Whitecaps’ Davide Chiumiento Scores Peachy Volley vs New York Red Bulls (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Before being taken off with an injury in the second half of their MLS tie with New York Red Bulls, Vancouver Whitecaps' Swiss midfielder Davide Chiumiento found time to do this...

Neat flick, sweet hit and, of course, the 'in off the bar' factor multiplies the awesomeness ten-fold.

Too Damn Cute: One-Year Old Cristiano Ronaldo Jnr Puts The Moves On Fabio Coentrao’s Baby Daughter Vitoria

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By WAG Watcher

Spotted during Real Madrid's recent game against Getafe, here we see one-and-a-bit-year old Cristiano Ronaldo Jnr putting the mack on Fabio Coentrao's baby daughter Vitoria (all under the watchful eye of Nanna Ronaldo and dad's WAG Irina Shayk) in the elite suits at the Bernabeu.

Liverpool’s Nathan Ecclestone Tweets His Way Into Trouble

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By Alan Duffy


I've always wondered why football clubs allow their players to have public Twitter accounts. I understand the argument that it brings the fans closer to the player, but more often than not, it gives the overpaid young whippersnappers ample opportunity to put their heavily-insured feet in their mouths.

Highlights: Barcelona 2-2 AC Milan – Storming Messi Assist, Superb Villa Free-Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just going to leave these here highlights of the game that nearly ruptured Tiziano Crudeli's ventricles; a game that saw Pato score the fifth fastest Champions League goal on record, Lionel Messi notch a barn-storming assist for Pedro's equaliser and a stunning 25-yard free-kick from David Villa among other things.

Shit Lookalikes: Wayne Rooney & Ugly Red Leather Armchair

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By Chris Wright

Rooney is England's very white Pele and, to be honest, christ knows where that bloody hideous chair comes from.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and slap ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Hope Sole & Alex Morgan Dance Around In Little Shorts (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hope Solo. Alex Morgan. Dancing. In little shorts...

Via KCKRS

Tiziano Crudeli’s Heart Almost Explodes Watching Milan vs Barcelona (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan drew 2-2 with Barcelona in the San Siro, thanks chiefly to a late goal from Thiago Silva and the drama was almost too much for a certain rampantly unimpartial somebody...

God bless you Tizzy, and all that sail upon ye.

More T-Crud madness on Pies.

Manchester United boss: Wayne Rooney Is England’s Pele

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By Alan Duffy

According to Sir Alex Ferguson, follicaly-enhanced striker Wayne Rooney is the closest thing the English game has to the great Brazilian Pele.

"Look at Pele," said the Scot. "He was a very aggressive attacker as well who could look after himself.

Manchester United boss: Wayne Rooney Is England’s Pele

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By Alan Duffy

According to Sir Alex Ferguson, follicaly-enhanced striker Wayne Rooney is the closest thing the English game has to the great Brazilian Pele.

"Look at Pele," said the Scot. "He was a very aggressive attacker as well who could look after himself.

Dortmund 1-1 Arsenal: Gunners Fall To Late, Great Perisic Volley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After Robin van Persie put them one up a couple of minutes before the interval, Arsenal came within a gnat's short and curly of snaring three points in Dortmund before Ivan Perisic pulled one back in the dying minutes looping a lovely 20-yard volley back over Wojciech Szczccszzcczsszney and into the far top corner to pinch a late point for the German side.

Dortmund 1-1 Arsenal: Gunners Fall To Late, Great Perisic Volley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After Robin van Persie put them one up a couple of minutes before the interval, Arsenal came within a gnat's short and curly of snaring three points in Dortmund before Ivan Perisic pulled one back in the dying minutes looping a lovely 20-yard volley back over Wojciech Szczccszzcczsszney and into the far top corner to pinch a late point for the German side.

Chelsea 2-0 Bayer Leverkusen: Blues Off To Winning Start As David Luiz Earns Standing Ovation (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea trundled past Bayer Leverkusen with minimum fuss to get their Champions League campaign off to a winning start at Stamford Bridge last night.

Both teams also saw a goal apiece ruled out over the course of the evening, Chelsea for offside and Leverkusen for a somewhat dubious tug as Simon Rofles nodded in a corner at the far post not that it really mattered in the long run.

Belgian Ex-Pro Jonathan De Falco Now A Porn Star

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By Alan Duffy

We've had postmen, pub landlords and TV pundits, but Jonathan De Falco may well be the first ex-professional footballer to turn to the porn industry after his career on the pitch has ended.

The former Racing Mechelen player was forced to quit the game this year due to injury, and rather than move into a more traditional ex-pro line of work, the 27-year-old decided to make the most of his looks while he still had them, and become a gay porn star.

Neymar Victimised By Cruzeiro Or Just A Featherweight Pansy? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Was Neymar sounded-out and repeatedly victimised by the Cruzeiro defence the other night, or could it be that he is just a feather-light powder-puff of a precious wee six-stone weakling?

Make your own minds up...

The little pansy.

Adidas Launch Snazzy New ‘Champions League’ Predator Colourway (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A manilla envelope with a couple of snaps of Adidas' brand new, purple and acid green adiPower Predators (a vivid colour scheme that started with the new Finale 11 matchball) has just fallen through the letterbox at Pies Towers and, being the charitable chaps we are, we thought it was only right to share.

Snapshot: Mansfield Appoint Football’s Youngest Chief Exec, 29-Year Old Carolyn Still

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By Chris Wright

Huzzah for Blue Square Premier side Mansfield Town, who have just appointed the youngest ever chief exec 29-year old Carolyn Still, a politics graduate from the University of Durham...


Not bad Mansfield, not bad at all.

Football Star To Pop Star: International Edition (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Self-induced humiliation is apparently a global phenomenon. After looking at the five most memorable English footballer pop disasters last week, we now turn our attention to the rest of the world, where, like at home, the footballing ego knows no bounds.

Man City Train Ahead Of Napoli Tie, Papa Mancini Turns Out To Watch His Boy (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few photos of Man City being put through their paces ahead of their first-ever Champions League tie against Napoli at the Etihad tomorrow evening a session that saw Owen Hargreaves pottering about with a full compliment of functioning legs and 75-year old Aldo Mancini (who suffered a heart attack last summer) turn out to watch his boy Bobby in action.

The Fernando Torres ‘Chelsea Are Slow’ Interview (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, Fernando Torres has been dragged from pillar to post in sections of the media this weekend for supposedly calling his Chelsea teammates 'slow' during an interview with Liga BBVA while away on international duty with Spain with Torres claiming that his words had been mistranslated into Spanish and then back into English again.

Retro Snapshot: Playboy Bunnies vs Planet Of The Apes, 1973

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By Chris Wright

Playboy Bunny Prue sprawls face-down in the mud during a charity football match between Hef's girls and a team of 'apes' (i.e, the cast from the film 'Battle for the Planet of the Apes') in aid of the World Wildlife Fund at Hurlingham Park in London...

"Get your stinking paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Heineken Roll Out Bizarre Champions League Viral – Seedorf’s Foul-Mouthed Angels, Van Nistelrooy Chess & Vieira Waiting For The Toilet (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seeing as though they're sponsoring this year's competition, this here is Heineken's new 'Legendary Football' Champions League viral campaign starring Clarence Seedorf, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Patrick Vieira, Gigi Buffon and Rene Adler and if any of it makes sense to you then you truly are a better man than I.

Caption This: Frank Lampard Cracks The World’s Funniest Joke

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "And then Nando...no, no, wait for this...called us slow! AAAHAHAHA!!!"

You say?

Raul Meireles ‘Unveiled’ As Chelsea Train Ahead Of Champions League Opener (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What have we here? Why it's a bevvy of photos from Chelsea's open training at Cobham ahead of their 2011/12 Champions League opener against Bayer Leverkusen tonight during which Raul Meireles (and his freshly pomped mohawk of truth) was 'unveiled' by AVB despite making his debut against Sunderland at the weekend.

Rafael Van Der Vaart “Annoyed” By Redknapp’s Euro-Snub

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham's Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart is less than pleased by Harry Redknapp's decision to leave him out of Spurs' Europa League squad, calling the whole situation "annoying" on his personal website.

Van der Vaart was omitted from the squad after picking up an injury in the defeat to Manchester City at the end of August.

Belarus League Match Graced By Truly, Truly Pathetic Keeper FAIL (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with his side a goal down against Torpedo Zhodino in the Belarus Premier League, Dnepr Mogilev centre-half Anton Matveenko tries his luck from deep within his own half after spotting Torpedo 'keeper Artem Gomelko slightly off his line duly belting a harmless looping arc of a shot off target.

Snapshot: QPR Unveil New Shirt Sponsors, Neil Warnock Lucks Out With Modelling Duties

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By Chris Wright

QPR finally announced their shirt sponsor for 2011/12 yesterday, with Malaysian Air and Air Asia splitting the 'multi-million pound deal' down the middle though we reckon Neil Warnock could care less, being as he was the lucky mark that got to model the new strip with several of the two airlines' more photogenic hostesses.

Snapshot: QPR Unveil New Shirt Sponsors, Neil Warnock Lucks Out With Modelling Duties

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By Chris Wright

QPR finally announced their shirt sponsor for 2011/12 yesterday, with Malaysian Air and Air Asia splitting the 'multi-million pound deal' down the middle though we reckon Neil Warnock could care less, being as he was the lucky mark that got to model the new strip with several of the two airlines' more photogenic hostesses.

QPR 0-0 Newcastle: Toon Hold On For A Point Against Rejigged Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Admittedly, I didn't see the game but from what I've read this morning it seemed like Newcastle were lucky to escape from Loftus Road with a point last night (goal-line clearances, Jay Bothroyd's pap finishing, etc) as a new-look, post-deadline day QPR XI hit the ground running with, and I know this may be a little hard to swallow, Shaun Wright-Phillips even putting in a decent, effective shift.

QPR 0-0 Newcastle: Toon Hold On For A Point Against Rejigged Hoops (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Admittedly, I didn't see the game but from what I've read this morning it seemed like Newcastle were lucky to escape from Loftus Road with a point last night (goal-line clearances, Jay Bothroyd's pap finishing, etc) as a new-look, post-deadline day QPR XI hit the ground running with, and I know this may be a little hard to swallow, Shaun Wright-Phillips even putting in a decent, effective shift.

Bolton’s Kevin Davies: Tom Cleverley Has Told Me To Forget Tackle

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By Alan Duffy


What a fine, upstanding young man Kevin Davies is. Following the injury to Manchester United's Tom Cleverley on Saturday, in which the Bolton man was "involved", Davies made sure he cleared the air with the young United starlet.

Joe Cole Provides Superb Assist On Lille Debut (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Joe Cole rediscovered some of the old razzle dazzle in a superb debut performancet for Lille in Ligue 1. The tricky winger came on as a sub in the second half against Saint Etienne and was soon involved in the action, embarking on a fantastic slaloming run through the opposition backline before pulling the ball back for Ludovic Obraniak to give the Ligue 1 champions a 3-1 victory.

Chelsea’s Fernando Torres – All Mouth And No Goals?

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By Alan Duffy


While he may not be having much of an impact on the pitch for Chelsea, striker Fernando Torres looks to have created a stir off it, courtesy of an interview he gave to Spain's Primera Liga website last week.

In the interview, the out-of-form striker is reported to have claimed that his older Chelsea team-mates are too slow.

Victor Valdes Almost Ridiculously Caught Out By Weak Long-Range Bobbler (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we see Barcelona 'keeper Victor Valdes moseying on back to his goal with his back turned as the play mills around in the midfield, only to be set upon from behind by a wild and sneaky Real Sociedad pot-shot that almost creeps past him unawares.

Bloody Show-Off: Oussama Assaida Scores Fancy Pants Disallowed Goal vs Groningen (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Heerenveen forward Oussama Assaida gets pipped by the offside trap during his side's 3-0 Eredivisie win over Groningen at the weekend and runs through, rounds the 'keeper and flicks a doozy of a trick-shot into the empty net regardless...

I'm sure I wasn't alone in willing Assaida to fall arse-over-tit there.

Shit Lookalikes: Sir Alex Ferguson & Silas Blisset (Hollyoaks Killer)

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By Chris Wright

One's a maniacal serial killer that grooms young girls over the internet and then dispatches them in fictional woodland, and the other...well, the other is Sir Alex Ferguson.

A doff of the cap to Pies fan James Irish for the spotting our second Hollyoaks-themed lookalike on the bounce.

Bournemouth Owner Eddie Mitchell Rants At Livid Fans After Chesterfield Defeat (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AFC Bournemouth supporters staged an impromptu 'protest' after the final whistle of their 3-0 home defeat to Chesterfield on Saturday, which basically involved a mass haranguing of owner Eddie Mitchell for his decision to flog off seven of the players that saw the Cherries reach the League One play-offs last season after being promoted from League Two the season prior.

Caption This: Carlos Tevez Has A Nibble On His Daughter’s Face

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: At a low ebb, Carlos' binge-eating crisis takes a turn for the worse.

You say?

Real Betis Hit The Woodwork Three Times In Three Seconds (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which profligate Real Betis pair Ruben Castro and Jorge Molina (the main culprit) conspire to crack the ball off the woodwork three times in the space of three seconds, each from ever-decreasing range, during their game against Real Mallorca over the weekend.

Norwich City 0-1 West Bromwich Albion

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 0-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 11 September 2011

The Baggies racked up their first points of the campaign at Carrow Road, courtesy of an early strike from Nigerian striker Peter Odemwingie. The forward would go on to miss a penalty in the second-half, but the visitors held out to seal the victory.

Fulham 1-1 Blackburn Rovers

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 11 September 2011

Steve Kean's Blackburn Rovers picked up their first point of the new season at Craven Cottage, courtesy of a superb strike from Ruben Rochina on 32 minutes. The creator of that goal, David Hoillet (one of the few Canadians playing at a high level), would have to be stretchered off later on, after clashing with Fulham keeper Mark Schwarzer.

Manchester City 3-0 Wigan Athletic – Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-0 Wigan Athletic Premier League September 10 2011

The red half of Manchester can't ignore their noisy neighbours anymore after a Sergio (I won't call him Kun because I don't know him personally and it therefore sounds silly) Aguero-inspired City galloped to an easy 3-0 win against a visiting Wigan side.

Stoke City 1-0 Liverpool – Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-0 Liverpool Premier League September 10 2011

Liverpool's impressive start to the season came undone at the Britannia stadium, courtesy of a spot-kick from Republic of Ireland international Jonathan Walters. However, King Kenny was left fuming over both the decision by referee Mark Clattenburg to award the first penalty and his decision not to give one to Liverpool after Matthew "Matty" Upson handballed in his own box.

Sunderland 1-2 Chelsea

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-2 Chelsea Premier League September 10 2011

With Ghana star Asamoah Gyan upping sticks for oil money in the Middle East, Sunderland boss Steve Bruce looked to new loan signing Nicklas Bendtner to lead the line against a powerful Chelsea side.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur

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By Alan Duffy

He may not have picked up as many bargains in the transfer window as he would have liked, but Spurs boss Harry Redknapp was a happy man on Saturday, after watching new signings Emmanuel "I still love Arsenal" Adebayor and Scott Parker inspire the Lilywhites to their first win of the campaign.

Bolton Wanderers 0-5 Manchester United – Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 0-5 Manchester United Premier League September 10 2011

The Red Devils continued where they left off against Arsenal, this time banging in five goals against a rather forlorn looking Bolton side. Despite losing Tom Cleverley early on, courtesy of a good old-fashioned, firm but fair, British challenge (ie a thuggish assault) by Trotters captain Kevin Davies, United demolished Owen Coyle's flimsy side.

Everton 2-2 Aston Villa – Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-2 Aston Villa Premier League September 10 2011

Two ginger-haired Scots tacticians went head to head at Goodison Park on Saturday, with Moyes and McCleish (surely ripe for a detective series?) watching their Everton and Villa sides share the points.

Arsenal 1-0 Swansea City – Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-0 Swansea Premier League September 10 2011

A new look Gunners struggled to beat a visiting Swansea City side on Saturday, with the only goal of the game coming courtesy of a right cock-up by Swans' 'keeper Michael Vorm, with cheeky Russian scoundrel Andrei Arshavin netting from a light angle.

Manchester City’s Wayne Bridge Paid £90,000 A Week To Do Nothing

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By Alan Duffy

It's a hard life for former England left-back Wayne Bridge. Having been left out of Manchester City's Champions League squad, he currently find himself in a football purgitory and has not played for the first team since last December.

Forced to train on his own, John Terry's ex-mate must cut a rather lonely, if not tragic figure at City.

Sunderland’s Asamoah Gyan Has Parasite Problem

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland striker Asamoah Gyan has had a big problem with "parasites" for the last six months, that's according to Black Cats' boss Steve Bruce. However, those of you hoping to see the Ghana striker on an edition of Celebrity Embarrassing Bodies (a series that really should exist) will be disappointed.

QPR Keeping Their Eye On David Beckham

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By Alan Duffy

The transfer window may well have closed, but nouveau riche Premier League new-boys QPR are still pondering their next big-money buys. Topping the list is LA Galaxy assist-machine David "Becks" Beckham, a player who is nearing the end of his three year contract with the Californian club.

Is Blackburn Boss Steve Kean In Line For The Chop?

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By Alan Duffy


It always seemed a rather strange decision by the Venkys bigwigs to jettison Sam Allardyce for not playing attractive enough football only to promote his second in command, Steve Kean, to the top job.

Prior to jumping into the hot-seat at Ewood Park, the 43-year-old Scot had never managed a team himself, instead racking up a number of assistant manager gigs at the likes of Fulham and Coventry City.

Man City Chief Garry Cook Resigns Over ‘Cancer Email’ Furore, Sort Of Admits He Lied – Unless City Website Was Hacked?

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By Chris Wright

The news has just broken on the Manchester City website that Garry Cook has resigned from his post over claims that he inadvertently sent an email earmarked for Brian Marwood to Nedum Onuoha's mum/agent Anthonia that contained whimsical references to her cancer.

Football GIF: Esteban Granero Fondles Kaka’s Lovely Jesus-y Face

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By Chris Wright

During the shoot for Real Madrid's 2011/12 team photo, bearded midfield pirate Esteban Granero couldn't resist having a little fondle of Kaka's angelic mush hoping that a little bit of that Jesus magic would rub off on him...

How adorable/incredibly annoying.

You’ll Never Beat Neville Southall (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Neville Southall. Neville. F**king. Southall former binman, mustachioed powerhouse, atavistic footballing throwback and one of, if not the finest goalkeeper of his generation...

To be honest, Big Nev deserves this afternoon's vid-tribute nod just for the sheer number of abhorrent jerseys he's been forced to sport down through the years.

Top Five: Football Star To Pop Star (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

We have been blessed with a multitude of truly hideous, often quirky and occasionally mediocre music videos made by those usually more comfortable with a ball at their feet than a microphone in their hand.

So here, in order of chart performance, is a hand-picked, sun-ripened assortment of five of the best/worst of the footballer/pop genre.

Retro Snapshot: Gary Lineker Celebrates First Crisp Contract With Rhinestones And Leather, 1995

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By Chris Wright

Looking like the head of the Leicester branch of the Frankie Goes To Hollywood fanclub who just can't let go, here we see a leather-and-rhinstone-clad Gary Lineker posing for Walkers after signing his very first contract with the crisp shillers back in 1995.

Ashley Young Freestyles In His Garden, Kicks Footballs Into Wheelie Bins (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, on behalf of Rio Ferdinand's #5 magazine, freestylers Billy Wingrove and Jeremy Lynch toddle round to Ashley Young's house for a bit of a chin-wag and a spot of glorified keepy-uppies...

Video: #5 / Read the latest issue here.

Snapshot: Juventus Open New Stadium With Lavish Ceremony, Hold Notts County To A Draw

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By Chris Wright

Juventus cracked open their brand new, €120 million, 41,000-capacity eponymous stadium on the site of the old Stadio della Alpi with a lavish ceremony in Turin last night...

The Old Lady then rounded out the night's proceedings with a 1-1 draw against special guest opponents Notts County, i.

Neymar Celebrates Felipe’s Goal By Repeatedly Slapping Him Across The Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which fledgling cockatoo Neymar celebrates teammate Felipe Anderson's winning goal in Santos' 2-1 victory over Avai by pinning him to the water-logged turf and repeatedly slapping him across the face...

Fancy watching the same video, but with added comedy sound effects?

Juninho Pernambucano Scores Another Coruscating 30-Yard Free-Kick vs Coritiba (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Vasco de Gama versus Coritiba last night.

Foul occurs.

30+ yards from goal.

The shrill whistle pings around the corners of the ground as a tense air of preemptive expectancy befalls the stadium.

Juninho Pernambucano can barely contain his glee as he takes his place behind the dead ball.

Juninho Pernambucano Scores Another Coruscating 30-Yard Free-Kick vs Coritiba (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Vasco de Gama versus Coritiba last night.

Foul occurs.

30+ yards from goal.

The shrill whistle pings around the corners of the ground as a tense air of preemptive expectancy befalls the stadium.

Juninho Pernambucano can barely contain his glee as he takes his place behind the dead ball.

Arsenal Legal Department Secure First Win Of Season, Force Spanish Woman To Change Name Of Her Hat Shop

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By Chris Wright

Bitch got served...a legal writ

Arsenal have won a court case in Spain which will force the owner of a hat shop in Seville to change the name of her premises though, sadly, there aren't three points on offer for the victory.

Snapshot: Everton Enlist Drenthe & Stracqualursi To Launch New ‘Silver’ Third Strip

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By Chris Wright

Everton drafted the help of their deadline day freebie signings Royston Drenthe and Denis Strackalackalursi to help launch their brand new grey-tastic third strip at the club's official store last night...

"Hightower?

QPR New Boy Luke Young Whinges About Capello And England

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By Alan Duffy

Paul Ince has a point! (about England players having questionable attitudes, that is.)

QPR's new full-back Luke Young has spoken about his decision to retire from international football in 2009, pointing the finger at Fabio Capello in the process.

Jose Mourinho Turns Down €25 million A Year (After Tax)

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By Alan Duffy

The latest nouveau riche football club to start flashing its jewellery at the game's old money are Russian side Anzhi Makhachkala, who are bankrolled by businessman Suleyman Kerimov, a man reported to be worth around $20 billion.

After enticing the legendary Samuel Eto'o to Russian football with a massive money offer which sees the former Internazionale man earn £5675838,34353853885,1239232.

Joe Cole: Will He Do A Chris Waddle Or A Chris Kiwomya?

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By Alan Duffy

With his disastrous spell at Liverpool now behind him, tricky schemer Joe Cole is looking to kickstart his career with French champions Lille.

Talking to BBC Sport, the 29-year-old is confident he will rediscover his best form across the Channel.

Snapshot: Jermaine Jenas & Alan Hutton Air Out Their New Work Clothes

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By Chris Wright

Just a few photos of Aston Villa showing off their deadline day signings, Alan Hutton and Jermaine Jenas, outside the club's Bodymoor Heath training complex...

Speaking of fresh meat, it was nice of Villa to put out a plate of breaded cold cuts and breaded ham for the gathered journos at the press conference afterwards.

Which QPR Player (*Cough* Joey Barton *Cough*) Destroyed Jay Bothroyd’s Ultra-Manly Ugg Boots?

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By Chris Wright


How long until the QPR dressing room is cordoned off as a murder scene? To be fair, Bothroyd was asking for it after turning up in those fur-lined abominations.

[Images: @Joey7Barton]

Adidas Reveal Lionel Messi Wore ‘Intelligent Super Boots’ During Nigeria Friendly

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By Chris Wright

Granted, this one's for borderline-hardcore football boot aficionados, but to those who may be interested, those dirty flirts over at Adidas have titillated our imagination emerging from the undergrowth, tugging on our sleeve and whispering in our ear that the gaudy boots that Lionel Messi wore against Nigeria on Monday were in fact 'intelligent' and that they contained a 'super-secret micro chip' before disappearing again into the night.

Sir Alex Ferguson Can’t Resist Another Dig At Rafa Benitez

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By Alan Duffy

Former Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez has obviously had a serious and long-term effect on his former Premier League rival, Sir Alex Ferguson.

Accoding to the Daily Express, during a recent interview in the offices of an Italian newspaper, Fergie noticed a photo of Benitez on the wall.

The Black-And-White Years: 10 More Fantastic Photos From The Football Archives

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By Chris Wright

Ten more wonderful vintage photos picked at random from the Pies' archives...

England captain Bobby Moore shows off a particularly dapper shirt from his new line of stylish fashion products, 1972

Chelsea's Dick Spence and Len Goulden play head tennis during training at Stamford Bridge, 1947

Sheffield Wednesday forward Derek Dooley (and his wife) travels home from Preston Royal Infirmary in an ambulance after having his leg amputated following a gangrene infection to the broken leg he suffered against Preston North End, 1953

West Ham footballers play leapfrog during a training session on the beach at Southend, 1951

The bare feet of Nigeria's Justin Onwudiwe.

Football Songs: Ex-Ireland Legend Paul McGrath’s New Single – ‘Goin’ Back’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Even woken up and though: 'I wonder what it would sound and look like if Paul McGrath sung a tone-deaf version of the Byrds/Carole King classic 'Goin' Back' on a gloomy-looking beach in Curracloe'? well today, my friend, is your lucky day.

And I use the word 'lucky' quite wrongly.

Snapshot: Rogerio Ceni Plays 1,000th Sao Paulo Match, Sparks Torrential Ticker Tape Downpour

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By Chris Wright

Veteran 'keeper Rogerio Ceni (the highest scoring goalie of all time, with 103 career goals to date more on that in a minute) made his 1,000th appearance for Brazilian side Sao Paulo in their 2-1 victory over Atletico Mineiro last night and, in celebration of his astounding loyalty and longevity, was absolutely swamped in reams of red and white confetti and ticker tape after the final whistle.

Police Request Mario Balotelli Interview After Being Carted Around Napoli By Local Mafia

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By Chris Wright

Another day, another 'it couldn't happen to anyone else' tale of Balo-madness.

According to the Beeb, Italian police have requested an interview with Mario Balotelli over a visit he paid to a known 'Mafia hotspot' in Naples almost a year ago.

Top 10 Worst Penalties Of All Time, Ever (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Inspired by Amir Sayoud's truly piss-poor effort that we had this misfortune of witnessing yesterday (which, by rights, should be at the top of this list), here's our ten-strong run down of the worst penalties of the modern era...

10.

Snapshot: Robbie Savage, Freshly Creosoted And Ready To Dance

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By Chris Wright

Freshly coiffed, cleavage to the naval and tanned to within an inch of looking freshly Creosoted here's media daaarling Robbie Savage turning out on the red carpet ahead of his Strictly Come Dancing debut...

Dear sweet Jesus, he looks like the long-lost runt of the Bee Gee litter.

Paul Ince Lambasts England Players And Fans

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By Alan Duffy

The Guv'nor is in town and he's not a happy bunny.

Currently "in between" jobs and probably with an eye on a media position, the tough-tackling former West Ham United star has let rip at the state of the national team.

"If you get called up, you should make sure you're there, " he explained.

Don’t Worry, Rob Earnshaw – Chris Iwelumo’s Miss Will Always Be Worse (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Rob Earnshaw's hideous miss against England on Monday evening may well find itself popping up in the nightmares of both the player himself and Welsh football fans over the coming weeks and months.

However, the veteran striker can at least console himself by watching Scotland man Chris Iwelumo's even more shocking miss against Norway back in 2008.

Richard Dunne Suffers Nasty, Bloody Faceplant vs Russia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As well as playing like a complete defensive uber-goliath and having to take to the field in a homemade shirt during the latter stages of Ireland's qually against Russia in Moscow last night, Richard Dunne also had the misfortune of doing smacking his face into the metal drainage grid that surrounds the plaggy pitch at the Luzhniki after clattering through Yuri Zhirkov on the touchline.

2011/12 Premier League Preview: Week 4

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Three matches in and there are already a few things we know about the Premiership.

1 That Manchester United will hit double figures against some poor unfortunates this season

2 Thanks to some serious spending QPR might just end up being the second most successful West London club this season

3 Gary Cahill will go in the January transfer window for £20 million plus

4 There are at least a dozen commentators hoping that Denis Stracqualursi isn't a success at Everton

5 Shane Long might just make the difference between West Brom staying up

So on to this week's games brought to you in conjunction with our betting sponsors www.

Mario Balotelli Mobbed On Visit To Italian Prison (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Along with Cesare Prandelli and Gigi Buffon, Mario Balotelli paid a visit to Sollicciano prison in Florence yesterday and was immediately greeted as some kind of demi-god, being mobbed by the inmates as soon as he entered the hall...

I was fearing for his diamond earring at one point there.

Snapshot (Literally): Wojciech Szczesny Finds Time For Quick Self-Portrait vs Germany

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By Chris Wright

I was going to cobble together another compendium of photos from the second wave of international shenanigans but, quite frankly, the images on offer this morning are a little on the dull side except this one, this one's bloody great...

...and maybe this one.

WAG Watch: I See London, I See France, I See Abbey Clancy’s Underpants (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

I see London, I see France, I see Abbey Clancy's undercrackers given that Mrs Crouch decided to turn up at the GQ 'Man of the Year' Awards in London last night wearing a slinky little see-through lace number...

Yep, hot.

The Vapid, Pointless Stupidity Of It All – Six Men Held In Custody After Wales Fan Beaten To Death Outside Wembley

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By Chris Wright

The Met have confirmed that six men are being held in police custody today after a 44-year old Wales fan died in hospital after being attacked outside Wembley following England's 1-0 win last night.

The Police have also identified that the six men being held are all Wales supporters and that the victim, a Cardiff fan domestically, was assaulted due to his club loyalties while, presumably, all seven men were sporting the red of the land of their fathers.

Call Off The Search, THIS Must Be The Worst Penalty Of All Time! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Al Alhy's Amir Sayoud puts a definitive end to the search for the worst penalty in the history of recorded time (lord knows he's mixing with some rarified competition) with his dismal effort against Kima Aswan in the Egyptian Premier League last night.

England 1-0 Wales: England Squeak By, Earnshaw Punches A Gift-Horse In The Face (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

England did a football match against Wales last night. It wasn't particularly good, but they won 1-0 anyway chiefly because Ashley Young scored a goal and Robert Earnshaw, thankfully, spent the last few years under the tutelage of the Forest striker's coaches.

Croatia’s Luka Modric Scores A Bloody Belter vs Israel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Croatia beat Israel 3-1 last night, going behind a minute or so before half-time and duly equalising a minute or so after it through Luka Modric's peachy 25-yard pinger from t' edge of t' box...

Very nice Luka, very nice.

Former Arsenal poacher Eduardo then added a quick-fire double in the 55th and 57th minute to complete the come-from-behind victory for the Croats.

Newcastle Launch Skimpy Lingerie Range, Inspired By Gabriel Obertan (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Apparently inspired by the club's gaggle of French summer signings (imagine Gabriel Obertan in a pair of diddy lace knickers) and designed with 'the Geordie lass in your life' in mind, Newcastle United have launched a lingerie line via their official club store.

Richard Dunne: Republic Of Ireland’s Hero In A Dodgy Jersey

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By Alan Duffy

The real, tragic consequences of the collapse of the Celtic Tiger were all too apparent in Moscow on Tuesday night, as Republic of Ireland captain Richard Dunne was forced to wear a number-less replacement shirt after his No. 5 shirt was decimated in a challenge with Yuri Zhirkov.

Lionel Messi’s Ludicrous Dribble And Assist vs Nigeria (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi has just posted this insane assist against Nigeria in Bangladesh, nabbing the ball on the half-way line, stripping past three or four defenders while holding them all at bay before seeing his angled shot palmed into Angel Di Maria's path for an easy roll-in.

Retro Snapshot: Graeme Le Saux & Matt Le Tissier – England’s Channel Islanders Embrace, 1994

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By Chris Wright

You just know Le Saux was kicking his legs and giggling girlishly...

Photo: PA

Watford Striker Marvin Sordell Scores 30-Yard Exocet For England U21s (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After falling behind after 25 or so minutes, England's urchins rallied to rush back and roll over Israel 4-1 in a friendly last night with young Watford striker Marvin Sordell scoring the pick of the bunch with a left-footed exocet from 30-yards (skip to the 2:19 mark for Sordell's rasper).

Swedish Side HIK Pull Off Shakira-Inspired ‘Waka Waka’ Goal Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which HIK's Brazilian striker Marcello Matrone nets against FCK, pulls some decidedly ropey props from behind a strategically-placed ad board and ropes in his teammates to stage a full-on, Shakira-inspired tableaux in celebration to the tune of 'Waka Waka' i.

Crap Captions: ESPN Were Rather Rude About Clint Dempsey?

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By Chris Wright

We know this little font-choice balls-up is getting on a bit in internet years now (it dates back to the primordial ooze of July), but this is the first time we've laid peepers on it so we're counting it as new.

So there...

Via Anorak

More 'Crap Captions' on Pies.

Horror Hair Legends: Paul Breitner And His 360° Afro/Beard Fuzz Bomb

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By Chris Wright

Paul Breitner: German box-to-box goliath of the 70′s and 80′s, World Cup winner, possessor of a long-range shot akin to amplified thunder, vocal socialist, 60-years young today and the once-proud owner of a full 360° of seamless Afro/beard hybrid head fuzz thus making him a bona fide Horror Hair legend.

Cesc Fabregas & Robin Van Persie Go Head-To-Head On ‘Red Or Black’ Gameshow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal captains past and present went head-to-head when Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie turned out for Ant and Dec's latest prime-time vehicle 'Red or Black' last night, a gameshow (apparently, the most expensive British gameshow of all time) that charged the pair with knocking bits of things off other spinning things with footballs.

Cesc Fabregas & Robin Van Persie Go Head-To-Head On ‘Red Or Black’ Gameshow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal captains past and present went head-to-head when Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie turned out for Ant and Dec's latest prime-time vehicle 'Red or Black' last night, a gameshow (apparently, the most expensive British gameshow of all time) that charged the pair with knocking bits of things off other spinning things with footballs.

FIFA 12 Gameplay Trailer Released – Features Brutal Nigel De Jong Bone-Cracker (Video)

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By Chris Wright

EA Sports are currently drip-dripping various virals and teasers to swell the hype ahead of FIFA 12′s official release on 30th September and the latest is centred around the new, fluid gameplay engine which is so realistic that it apparently even allows you to 'De Jong' the living snot out of your opponents (0:25 mark) with two-footed, waist-high scissor tackles.

FIFA 12 Gameplay Trailer Released – Features Brutal Nigel De Jong Bone-Cracker (Video)

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By Chris Wright

EA Sports are currently drip-dripping various virals and teasers to swell the hype ahead of FIFA 12′s official release on 30th September and the latest is centred around the new, fluid gameplay engine which is so realistic that it apparently even allows you to 'De Jong' the living snot out of your opponents (0:25 mark) with two-footed, waist-high scissor tackles.

League One Snapshot: Charlton’s Dale Stephens Evades Sheff Wed’s Three-Pronged Sliding Tackle

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By Chris Wright

Here we see Charlton Athletic's Dale Stephens taking evasive action to clear a three-pronged sliding tackle (one of which appears to be of an unorthodox 'head-first' variety) from the Sheffield Wednesday backline during the two side's 1-1 draw at The Valley last night pretty cool photo, thought we'd share it.

League One Snapshot: Charlton’s Dale Stephens Evades Sheff Wed’s Three-Pronged Sliding Tackle

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By Chris Wright

Here we see Charlton Athletic's Dale Stephens taking evasive action to clear a three-pronged sliding tackle (one of which appears to be of an unorthodox 'head-first' variety) from the Sheffield Wednesday backline during the two side's 1-1 draw at The Valley last night pretty cool photo, thought we'd share it.

England And Wales Train At Wembley Ahead Of Euro 2012 Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few snaperoos of both England and Wales limbering up at Wembley yesterday though not simultaneously I might add. I mean, could you just imagine?!?! Lol ahead of tonight's Euro 2012 qualifier between the two nations.

Photos (click thumbs for larger images).

England And Wales Train At Wembley Ahead Of Euro 2012 Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few snaperoos of both England and Wales limbering up at Wembley yesterday though not simultaneously I might add. I mean, could you just imagine?!?! Lol ahead of tonight's Euro 2012 qualifier between the two nations.

Photos (click thumbs for larger images).

Arsenal’s Thomas Vermaelen: His Achilles Heel Is His Achilles Heel

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal physio Colin "Shipman" Lewin has been at it again for Arsenal, with Belgian defender Thomas Vermaelen the victim this time around.

According to reports, the centre-half has been ruled out for two months after having yet another operation on his troublesome left heel.

Fabio Capello Warns Liverpool’s Andy Carroll Not To Eat All The Pies

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By Alan Duffy

With Luis Suarez, Stewart Downing and Co. setting Anfield alight, Liverpool's £35million man Andy Carroll has found himself somewhat out of favour with King Kenny Dalglish, while for England's recent game in Bulgaria, he wasn't even named on the bench.

Steed Malbranque: I Don’t Even Have A Son!

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By Alan Duffy

Following on from Man City bigwig Gary Cook's distasteful email cock-up comes the bizarre news that another cancer-related story seems to have been a total hoax.

It had been widely reported in the media that former Fulham and Sunderland midfielder Steed Malbranque had recently decided to quit football altogether in order to care for his son, who had been diagnosed with cancer.

AC Milan Legends Thrash Indonesia XI 5-1, Even Dida Scores (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The AC Milan 'Glories' (i.e, club legends) were in Indonesia on their 'Asia Disaster Relief' charity tour last night for a friendly game that saw such former Rossoneri luminaries as Jean-Pierre Papin, Franco Baresi, Alessandro Costacurta and Gianluigi Lentini whoop an Indonesian 'Legends' side 5-1, with Serginho grabbing four and Brazilian 'keeper Dida even adding one for good measure.

Retro Snapshot: Original Plans For New ‘Modernistic Molineux’, 1958

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By Chris Wright

From this...


Into this...

Pretty swish, even by modern standards.

The scale model provides us with a glimpse into what the new, 'modernistic' Molineux could have looked like when the stadium was being pencilled in for re-development during the late 1950′s.

Nutcracker: Independiente Defender Julian Velazquez Does A ‘Phil Babb’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you happen to be in possession of a descended testicle or two, you may want to turn around and leave again as this (from the 1:00 mark) is some groin-pummellingly eye-watering stuff from the Argentinian league...

The Phil Babb 'original', feel free to compare and contrast.

Juninho Pernambucano: Older Than Time, Still A Free-Kick Colossus (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He may be older than the desert (well, 36) and currently play football for less than the Brazilian minimum wage, but Juninho Pernambucano (now of Vasco de Gama) can still stick away a free-kick with the best of them.

On a weekend that also saw 105-year old Rivaldo also score for Sao Paulo in the Campeonato Brasileiro, Juninho whipped home a trademark beauty against America MG Vasco's only goal in a 4-1 drubbing.

‘If You Go Down, We Will Beat You To Death’ – Cologne Fans Graffiti Motivational Aid On Training Ground Wall

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By Chris Wright

Looks like relegation really isn't an option for Cologne this year, especially if their fans have any say in it...

Via Anorak

‘Ravaged With It!’ – Man City Chief Garry Cook Accused Of Cracking Appalling Cancer ‘Joke’ About Nedum Onuoha’s Mum

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By Chris Wright

It's worth pointing out up top that he's already denied it, but the Sun are claiming this morning that Man City chief exec Garry Cook has been reported to the FA after being accused of inadvertently sending a frankly appalling email to Nedum Onouha's cancer-suffering mother.

‘I Was Depressed So I Ate And Ate’ – Carlos Tevez Admits Binge-Eating Crisis

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By Chris Wright

In an interview with The People, Carlos Tevez has admitted he was so depressed over the summer that he developed a bit of a binge-eating 'crisis' a weighty problem that presumably entailed no small amount of barbecued steak:

"I'm not the shit that they say I am.

Paolo Di Canio Decks Own Player With Touchline Spinebuster (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There are two ways you can view this next video.

You can either see it as a) Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio merely failing to carry the weight of midfielder Matt Ritchie during a fevered goal celebration or b) Swindon manager Paolo Di Canio keeping his streak of brawling with his own players alive by laying Matt Ritchie out with 'some kind of modified touchline spinebuster maneuvre'.

Watch England Train At Wembley (Live Stream)

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By Chris Wright

No idea how long this is going to last (the session started at 10am), so get your fill while it's hot...

Stream courtesy of FATV

Top 10 Football Photos From The ‘International Weekend’

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten (don't count them, we know there's eleven!) best snaps from this weekend's international footballing action from arooooouuund the glooooobe...

Martin Skrtel airs his considerable ink after Slovakia's 0-0 draw with the Republic of Ireland in Dublin

During a training session in Calcutta, Lionel Messi pulls what we believe the kids would call a bit of a 'derp face'

England fans drape a flag on the Soviet Army Monument opposite the Vasil Levski Stadium in Sofia, Bulgaria


Michal Kadlec's ill-gotten penalty hits the back of the net to chalk up a late equaliser (2-2) for the Czech Republic against Scotland at Hampden Park

US Virgin Islands keeper Carlos Claxton sits dejected on the pitch after Haiti had just put their sixth unanswered goal past him in Port-au-Prince

Silhouetted Albanian supporters light flares before the start of their World Cup qualifier against France in Tirana

Giampaolo Pazzini and Andrea Ranocchia enjoy some Isotonic japery during Italy's pre-Slovenia training session at the Coverciano sports center near Florence

Peephole Pringle: Philipp Lahm removes his shredded jersey during Germany's 6-2 drubbing of Austria on Friday night

Your guess is as good as mine as to what's going on in this goal-mouth still from Israel qualifier against Greece in Tel Aviv

After becoming the first side to qualify for Polkraine 2012 on Friday, Germany warm down with a few 'eye-level crotch scissors'

Ronaldinho talks to a friend following a training session ahead of Brazil's friendly against Ghana at Craven Cottage tonight

Photos: PA

Top 10 Football Photos From The ‘International Weekend’

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten (don't count them, we know there's eleven!) best snaps from this weekend's international footballing action from arooooouuund the glooooobe...

Martin Skrtel airs his considerable ink after Slovakia's 0-0 draw with the Republic of Ireland in Dublin

During a training session in Calcutta, Lionel Messi pulls what we believe the kids would call a bit of a 'derp face'

England fans drape a flag on the Soviet Army Monument opposite the Vasil Levski Stadium in Sofia, Bulgaria


Michal Kadlec's ill-gotten penalty hits the back of the net to chalk up a late equaliser (2-2) for the Czech Republic against Scotland at Hampden Park

US Virgin Islands keeper Carlos Claxton sits dejected on the pitch after Haiti had just put their sixth unanswered goal past him in Port-au-Prince

Silhouetted Albanian supporters light flares before the start of their World Cup qualifier against France in Tirana

Giampaolo Pazzini and Andrea Ranocchia enjoy some Isotonic japery during Italy's pre-Slovenia training session at the Coverciano sports center near Florence

Peephole Pringle: Philipp Lahm removes his shredded jersey during Germany's 6-2 drubbing of Austria on Friday night

Your guess is as good as mine as to what's going on in this goal-mouth still from Israel qualifier against Greece in Tel Aviv

After becoming the first side to qualify for Polkraine 2012 on Friday, Germany warm down with a few 'eye-level crotch scissors'

Ronaldinho talks to a friend following a training session ahead of Brazil's friendly against Ghana at Craven Cottage tonight

Photos: PA

Shit Lookalikes: Jordan Henderson & Kieron Richardson

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By Chris Wright

No, not Kieran Richardson, we're talking about Kieron Richardson here i.e, that scrawny-looking fella from Hollyoaks...

Spot on. Unfortunately, both seem to share that slightly feral, 'raised in the sewers by pack rats' look.

Shit Lookalikes: Jordan Henderson & Kieron Richardson

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By Chris Wright

No, not Kieran Richardson, we're talking about Kieron Richardson here i.e, that scrawny-looking fella from Hollyoaks...

Spot on. Unfortunately, both seem to share that slightly feral, 'raised in the sewers by pack rats' look.

Jim White’s Deadline Day Fans: The Commemorative DVD (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We'd like to think that this is a spoof but when Sky Sports News' resident deadline-day air raid siren, Jim White, is involved it's never easy to be 100% certain about anything like your name, what year it is or if reality even exists anymore...

Video: 101GG

Caption This: Newcastle Owner Mike Ashley Strips Naked In A Chinese Restaurant

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By Chris Wright

Just what you need first thing on a Monday morning...

Pies says: "Alright ladies, who ordered the pork rolls?"

You say?

[Image: People]

Are Steven Gerrard’s Best Days Behind Him For Livepool?

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By Alan Duffy

With Liverpool off to a superb start in the Premier League, and King Kenny Dalglish threatening to bring the glory days back to Anfield, could things get any better for the Reds? Well yes they could actually!

Kop icon Steven Gerrard is almost ready to return to full training, with Liverpool's league clash with Tottenham on September 18th firmly in his sights for a first team resurrection.

Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere Could Be Out For Three Months

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By Alan Duffy

According to The Mirror,  Jack Wilshere may not kick a ball in anger for Arsenal until December. The young England schemer has yet to play a competitive game for the Gunners this season after injuring himself in pre-season and is currently forced to wear a surgical boot.

Coleraine’s Johhny Black Nets From Inside Own Half (Video)

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Joining the elite group of players to score from (around) the half-way line, a group which includes the likes of Anders Limpar, David Beckham, Xabi Alonso and Nayim, is Coleraine defender Johnny Black.

The youngster fired home his wonder-goal against Portadown on Saturday in his side's 4-3 Carling Premiership win.

Spain And Chile Have A Good Old Fashioned Scrap (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

World Champions Spain and Chile celebrated FIFA's Fair Play Day in Switzerland in ironic fashion by having a bit of a ding-dong at the end of the game, which the visitors won 3-2.

The kerfuffle somewhat overshadowed the fact that Barcelona's perennially pasty-looking schemer Andrea Iniesta had scored his first international goal since his World Cup final winner back in July 2010.

The Czech Is In The Post For Ref As Scotland Miss Out On Win

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By Alan Duffy

Ronald Koeman lookalike Kevin Blom would be well advised not to book any future holidays in Scotland after the Dutch referee all but ended Scotland's hopes of making it to the Euro 2012 finals.

With just seconds of injury time remaining and Craig Levein's men headed for a 2-1 victory courtesy of strikes from Kenny Miller and Darren Fletcher, Jan Rezak's dodgy dive was deemed worthy of a spot-kick by Blom.

Bulgaria 0-3 England: England Edge Ever Closer To ‘Polkraine 2012′ (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The game in a nutshell: England were comfortable, Bulgaria were pretty bloody woeful, Gary Cahill scored his first international goal, Wayne Rooney bagged the other two, Walcott/Downing/Young behind Rooney worked well in parts, the formation suited the style, the second-half was a bit pap and even Gareth Barry looked half-way close to 'alright'.

Snapshot: Didier Drogba Photobombs Jose Bosingwa With Hilarious Results

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By Chris Wright

The glossy results of Chelsea's pre-season photocall...

Image: Tumblr (Thanks to Pies fan Raymond Montblanc for the nudge!)

Spain U21′s Inigo Martinez Scores Outrageous 30-Yard, Volleyed Backheel Own-Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Spain U21s 6-0 up over Georgia and cruising on Friday evening, Inigo 'the good Samaritan' Martinez took pity on his stricken opponents and went to greath lengths to ensure they didn't go home completely empty-handed...

Superb technique, lovely strike.

Celtic Back In Europa League: Scottish Football Not That Bad After All

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By Alan Duffy


Neil Lennon's Celtic will be going to the ball after all.  UEFA's decision to expel  Sion from the Europa League means that the team the Swiss side beat in the play-off round, Celtic, now get a surprise entry into the competition proper.

Snapshot: Per Mertesacker Messes Up The Arsenal Team Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Like Gulliver in Lilliput, 6'6″ German giant Per Mertesacker towers above Arsene Wenger's collection of pint-sized playmakers, including the diminutive Russian Andrei Arshavin.

Arsenal fans wanted height, and lo and behold, the French tactician gave them height.

Snapshot: Indian Linesman Takes Cheeky Photo Of Lionel Messi Before Kick-Off vs Venezuela

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By Chris Wright

"Say cheese!"

As you may or may not be aware, the Argentinian national side are in India as we speak to play a friendly against Venezuela, a game which has drawn a sell-out 120,000 crowd to the Yuba Bharati Krirangan Stadium.

As you can probably imagine, the pre-game hype has been largely centred around one man as if you need telling who and the fact that one of the Indian officials was prepared to smuggle his camera into the centre-circle in his pocket for a cheeky snap of said man is a fairly good indication of the hero worship on show in Calcutta at the moment.

The Man They Call ‘Batigol’: Gabriel Batistuta (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The subject of Pies' Friday afternoon tribute this week just so happens to be one of my all-time favourites, ever since my grandparents bought me a knock-off 'Batistuta #9′ Fiorentina shirt home from a market stall in Venezuela (of all places) at the age of ten or eleven.

The Black-And-White Years: 18 Glorious Photos Of Bill Shankly – Happy Birthday Shanks!

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By Chris Wright

This very day in 1913, one William Shankly was born in the Ayrshire mining village of Glenbuck making today his 98th birthday.

Happy Birthday Shanks...

Shankly at Preston North End, 1937

Shankly playing for Preston North End, 1946

Shankly, "the man who is taking Liverpool FC along the road to the First Division Title for the first time since 1947″, aged 50, 1964

Shankly stands in front of the empty terraces at Anfield during a Liverpool training session, 1965

Shankly poses with his 1965/66 trophy haul including the League Championship trophy and the FA Charity Shield, 1966

Shankly feels the stress of a new season set in as the Liverpool players and coaches gather for a team group picture, 1967

Shankly is unimpressed with the cutlery at the breakfast table, 1968

Shankly reacts to an erroneous news report in his office at Anfield, 1969

Shankly poses with a football during Liverpool's pre-season photocall, 1969

Shankly shows his new signing Kevin Keegan (nice tank top Keggy!

Snapshot: Shakhtar Donetsk Launch Replica Kits…For Dogs

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By Chris Wright

Now available from the Shakhtar Donetsk club shop as of this very morning, a full range of canine-sized replica kits to give your mutt a new 'leash' of life (sorry)...

Looks like very 'paw' quality merchandise to me (sorry.

England Train At Vasil Levski Stadium Ahead Of Bulgaria Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What do we have here? Why, it's a gaggle of photos of the England chaps training at the Vasil Levski Stadium in Sofia ahead of their Euro 2012 qualifier against Bulgaria tonight...

Close eyes > hope for the best

Who knew the Suga Puffs Honey Monster was Bulgaria's national emblem?

England vs Bulgaria: Three Points A Must For Fabio Capello’s Men

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By Gareth McKnight

England continue their Euro 2012 qualifying campaign this week with fixtures against Bulgaria and Wales promising to give the fans a better idea of the nation's chances of competing in Poland and Ukraine next year. With Fabio Capello's men locked at the top of Group G on 11 points with Montenegro and an away day in Podgorica still to come, the Three Lions can ill-afford many more slip-ups.

Snapshot: Zlatan Ibrahimovic – The Face

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By Chris Wright

Posted without comment...

Photo: PA

Snapshot: Per Mertesacker Messes Up The Arsenal Team Photos

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By Alan Duffy

Like Gulliver in Lilliput, 6'6″ German giant Per Mertesacker towers above Arsene Wenger's collection of pint-sized playmakers, including the diminutive Russian Andrei Arshavin.

Arsenal fans wanted height, and lo and behold, the French tactician gave them height.

West Ham’s Henri Lansbury Scores Cracker For U21s (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

As he embarks on yet another loan move, this time to Championship giants West Ham United, Arsenal midfielder Henri Lansbury put on a superb Man of the Match display for Stuart Pearce's U21 side against Azerbaijan, netting two goals and providing a couple of assists as the young England side coasted to a 6-0 win.

2011/12 UEFA Champions League Betting Tips – Week 1

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Tuesday 13th September 2011

Borussia Dortmund v Arsenal

This looks like a tough start for the Gunners, especially on the back of their heavy defeat
at the hands of Manchester United in the Premier League. Current Bundesliga Champions
Borussia Dortmund are quietly fancied to do well in this season's Champions League
following some excellent performances in their domestic league last season.

WAG Watch: Lorena Bernal – Mikel Arteta’s Arsenal-Bound Missus (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Inspired by a chance dalliance during last night's transfer madness, here's a little look at Mikel Arteta's significant other former Miss Spain, actress and model and apparent lover of sand, Lorena Bernal.

She is, as you can see, muy muy smokingo (click thumbs for larger images).

What Might Have Been: Wesley Sneijder Admits Man Utd Move Was Mighty Close

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By Chris Wright

Just look at him, the dirty flirt!

Wes Sneijder has been busy this morning, cork-screwing his metaphorical dagger into the hearts of thousands of Manchester United fans across the globe by regaling Dutch daily AD with tales of just how close he came to turning up at Old Trafford over the summer:

"I just felt that it was close, yes [I thought I was going to join Manchester United].

Ronaldinho Scores Direct From Corner Kick vs Avai (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Ronaldinho shows just how he's come about earning himself a recall to the Brazilian national side, notching his eighth goal in ten games (he later also bagged his ninth) during Flamengo's 3-2 defeat away against Avai last night.

Oh, did we mention?

Owen Hargreaves Holds Man City Shirt Aloft, Manages Not To Sprain Anything

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By Chris Wright

Something tells me we'll be featuring a few of these 'unveiling the newbie' shots today, so try and bear with us.

Here's Owen Hargreaves holding up his new No.20 Manchester City shirt (at what looks like my old Junior School) and successfully managing to keep the ouchies at bay while doing so one day down, 364 to go.

Arsenal’s Yossi Benayoun – Maths Giant

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By Alan Duffy

One of a whole gaggle of new players to join Arsenal on transfer deadline day, Israeli captain Yossi Benayoun has taken little time in celebrating his loan move from west to north London.

On hearing that he will have the No. 30 jersey at the Emirates, rather than the No.

Caption This: Denis Stracqualursi Looks A Little Bit On The ‘Psychotic Side’

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "Arteta? Yes, I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice can of Fanta..."

You say?

Robbie Savage Confused By Arsenal New-Boy Per Mertesacker

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By Alan Duffy

Football punditry is a cushy number indeed. Apparently, you don't even have to know anything about the actual footballers you are talking about, particularly if they are "foreign chaps".

From Paul Merson and the Sky Soccer Saturday crew to Match Of The Day's Holy Trinity of Lawrenson, Hansen and Shearer, ignorance is apparently bliss.

Snapshot: Fenella The Kettle Witch Unveiled By Inter Milan

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By Chris Wright

Here's a few photos of Fenella the Kettle Witch (or 'Diego Forlan' as he's known outside Wheelie World) giving it the 'big thumbs' during his unveiling bash at Inter Milan earlier this morning.

Along with Mauro Zarate, the Forlanator moved to the Giuseppe Meazza on a two-year deal from Atletico Madrid yesterday not a bad afternoon's business by anybody's standards.

QPR’s Shaun Wright-Phillips – Plaything Of The Rich And Famous

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By Alan Duffy

Shaun Wright-Phillips seems to like rich men and rich men seem to like Sean Wright-Phillips. Yesterday, the under-achieving, fleet-footed stepson of Arsenal legend Ian Wright squeezed his way out of the overcrowded Manchester City dressing room yesterday and followed the money yet again, this time to join Premier League wealthy new-boys Queens Park Rangers.

Sky Sports Windbag Jim White Cracks ‘Yakubu Fat Joke’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While the lovely Natalie Sawyer sat there looking all lovely, Jim White Sky's' in-house trained Glaswegian Howler monkey made a little funny about Yakubu and his handsome girth last night during SSN's bombastic deadline day coverage...

Video: 101GG

Snapshot: Mesut Ozil Caught Smoking, Claims It ‘Was A Bet’

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By Chris Wright

A photograph has surfaced of Mesut Ozil huffing away on a cheeky tab while sunning himself aboard a yacht in Ibiza over the summer and, when taken to task by German daily BILD over being caught out with a filthy lung dart in his mouth, promptly gave the lamest excuse imaginable:

"I was on a yacht on vacation and so I didn't notice I was being photographed.

Savage Confused By Arsenal New-Boy Mertesacker

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By Alan Duffy

Football punditry is a cushy number indeed. Apparently, you don't even have to know anything about the actual footballers you are talking about, particularly if they are "foreign chaps".

From Paul Merson and the Sky Soccer Saturday crew to Match Of The Day's Holy Trinity of Lawrenson, Hansen and Shearer, ignorance is apparently bliss.

Transfer Deadline Day: The Grizzly Aftermath

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By Chris Wright

So...how was it for you? Personally speaking, I'm pretty damn glad we're staring down the barrel of a nice, relaxing international break after all that palaver.

Somewhere approaching £450 million was spent by English clubs over the course of yesterday, with the real excitement kicking in with half-an-hour to go as the only remaining fax machines left in existence began to belch and whir furiously at about 10:45pm it wouldn't be a proper deadline day if clubs didn't entrust their respective brinkmanship into the hands of nigh-on antiquated equipment, now would it?

Transfer Deadline Day: The Grizzly Aftermath

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By Chris Wright

So...how was it for you? Personally speaking, I'm pretty damn glad we're staring down the barrel of a nice, relaxing international break after all that palaver.

Somewhere approaching £450 million was spent by English clubs over the course of yesterday, with the real excitement kicking in with half-an-hour to go as the only remaining fax machines left in existence began to belch and whir furiously at about 10:45pm it wouldn't be a proper deadline day if clubs didn't entrust their respective brinkmanship into the hands of nigh-on antiquated equipment, now would it?