Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

England Train Ahead Of Bulgaria Euro 2012 Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Hey Theo, I opened a bag of Maltesers on the coach but I wasn't that hungry...so I only 8-2!!"

A few snaps of the England boys going through their paces at London Colney earlier this morning ahead of their upcoming Euro 2012 qualifier against Bulgaria in Sofia on Wednesday night a session that seemed to involve an inordinate amount of high-kicks and ball-fondling.

Snapshot: The 2010/11 Premier League Table ‘Without Referee Errors’

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By Chris Wright

How about that? Some diligent fellow by the name of Tim Long has gone over the entire 2010/11 season, spending 250-ish hours reviewing over 700 incidents across all 380 Premier League games to compile a league table in which every single 'significantly incorrect' refereeing decision has been rectified and accounted for.

Sporting KC’s Soony Saad = Rubik’s Cube Master (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Aside from going by a fine name, Sporting KC forward Soony Saad has a special talent the kind of special talent that people tend to keep to themselves...

Video: Sporting KC

Joe Cole Close To Lille Deal, One-Year Loan In Pipeline

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By Rumour Monger

According to inside sources at the BBC, Liverpool flop Joe Cole is 'very close' to joining French side Lille on a one-year loan deal with talks going on in London as we speak.

You heard that right people, an Englishman moving abroad.

Photo: Owen Hargreaves Spotted Leaving Hospital After Man City Medical

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By Rumour Monger

Usually a photo of Owen Hargreaves leaving hospital wouldn't be cause to assume anything out of the ordinary, but it just so happens that ol' Johnny No-Knees has been photographed leaving the Bridgewater Hospital in Manchester the place where Manchester City conduct all their medicals these days.

‘Injured’ Player Leaps From Stretcher To Attack Cameraman With His Shinpads (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in the process of being ferried from the pitch by physios, our stricken protagonist suddenly leaps forth upon spying a certain cameraman out of the corner of his eye and proceeds to rain down the pain by clubbing the poor guy repeatedly with his shinpads.

Snapshot: Introducing The Miss Universe Select XI

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By Chris Wright

Ahead of the Miss Universe pageant in Brazil, the gaggle of lovely ladie contestants (no sign of Miss Saturn or Miss Dagobah) had a bit of a kick-about in Sao Paulo to celebrate and Cafu even tagged along for good measure we imagine his arm didn't have to be twisted too far.

Per Mertesacker On Cusp Of £8m Arsenal Move, Seven New Faces By Tomorrow?

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By Rumour Monger

The big wheels are turning at long last!

According to the AP, BBC and other such reliable sources, Arsenal are now within spitting distance of signing Per Mertesacker from Werder Bremen after opening 'advanced talks' with the beanpole centre-back over an £8.

EA Sports Release New FIFA 12 Viral – Giant Wayne Rooney Kills Actual-Sized Seagull (Video)

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By Chris Wright

I guess this made sense to someone somewhere along the line...

Video: EA Sports

‘If You Don’t Like It, Don’t F**king Come!’ – Grimsby Boss Rob Scott Takes Angry Fan To Task (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Understandably, seeing as though they've lost seven of their last nine games and currently lie second-bottom in the Blue Square Bet Premier Conference, sections of the Grimsby support got a little uppity after Saturday's 2-1 home defeat to Darlington, and Mariners joint-gaffer Rob Scott took the terrace heckling as an opportunity to voice the frustrations of nearly every single lower league manager biting back after being told he needed new players, to be less shit, etc, etc.

Bonkers Squirrel Invades Womens Professional Soccer Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Western New York Flash beat Philadelphia Independence on penalties to lift their first WPS title in their inaugural year on Saturday though, aside from the soccerball on show and Alex Morgan's innate loveliness, the game was memorable for other reasons namely a completely batchy squirrel that invaded the pitch in the first-half and set up base camp in Philly's goal-area, ran in circles for nine minutes and then left under a cardboard box.

Football GIF: Mesut Ozil Vanishes Into Thin Air

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By Chris Wright

In which Mesut Ozil either vanishes into thin air or shape-shifts into Angel Di Maria in the blink of an eye during Real Madrid's 6-0 thrashing of Zaragoza on Sunday...

GIF: @Quillichor

Caption This: David Beckham Meets The Swimwear King

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "No Mr Jol, please...not...not like this"

You say?

[Image: KCKRS]

Beware The Arsenal ‘Free Ticket’ Postal Scam…

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By Chris Wright

Word is going around that 'people acting on Arsenal's behalf' are writing to the club's supporters individually and offering to reimburse fans who travelled to and sat through the 8-2 pasting at Old Trafford on Sunday and issuing them with pairs of complimentary tickets for an upcoming Premier League match.

‘Traore’s Having A Holocaust’ – Tony Cascarino Says All The Wrong Things (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is what happens when you let dumb schmucks talk on television...

I know they'll be a few of you who will use the 'literal dictionary definition' defense, but can we all just agree on one thing Cascarino is a semi-literate turd, and he's never been an Irishman.

Football Kit: Adidas Unveil Official 2011/12 European Matchballs

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By Chris Wright

Yes, we're a tad tardy to the party here my fault entirely but here's a few snaps of all the official Adidas matchballs that will be used in this season's UEFA European competitions; the Champions League, the Europa League and the Super Cup (that Barca took home with them last week).

Man Utd 8-2 Arsenal: Err…What In Holy Hell Was That? (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow. What the f**k just happened? 'Men against boys' doesn't even come close to covering it in fact, try something along the lines of 'competent footballing unit against a small gaggle of spoilt children ' or thereabouts.

Football GIF: Didier Drogba Knock Out vs Norwich On Infinite Loop

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By Chris Wright

Why anyone should want to watch this over and over we're not sure, but here we are anyway Didier Drogba being sparked out against Norwich yesterday on infinite loop -

We've seen it a couple of times now and the way he flails lifeless to the turf is still making us wince.

Snapshot: Didier Drogba Knocked Out Cold For 30 Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There were sickening scenes at Stamford Bridge yesterday when Didier Drogba collided with Norwich 'keeper John Ruddy during an aerial skirmish and fell like dead weight to the turf in the replays you could pinpoint the actual moment when 'the lights went out'.

Samuel Eto’o Scores £723 Into His Anzhi Debut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Samuel Eto'o came on for the last £1157.12 of Anzhi's match against Rostov and, £723.20 into his debut, the Cameroonian striker nudged home his first goal for the Russian side steering Yuri Zhirkov's low cross in to equalise at the near post after making a run worth about £1.

Japanese ‘Striker’ Misses The Openest Of Open Goals (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Vegalta Sendai 'striker' Atsushi Yanagisawa is gifted with a gilt-edged chance to add to his side's narrow 1-0 lead over Grampus Eight and...

Video: OTW

Snapshot: Fabregas Poses With Third Trophy, Iniesta Misplaces Pants

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By Chris Wright

Here we have Cesc posing with his third trophy in the space of about a hour's worth of football for Barcelona, alongside Andres Iniesta who, as you may be able to see, seems to have temporarily mis-placed his underwear...

Barca beat Porto 2-0 in the UEFA Super Cup last night, and.

Snapshot: Rafael And Sylvie Van Der Vaart To Be Immortalised In Wax

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at here are the clay/plastercine/Playdoh busts that have been made of both Rafael van der Vaart and his lovely lady wife Sylvie, ahead of their waxworks being added to the Amsterdam branch of Madame Tussauds in September...

As you can see, Rafa's looks just about on the money whereas Sylvie's looks just a little bit.

‘The FA Treat Us Like Shit’ – Sir Alex Mithering Again (Video)

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By Chris Wright

When asked about his feelings vis-a-vis the latest England squad containing so many of his Manchester United players, Sir Alex replied:

"It is fantastic. The FA may realise one day who has produced more players for their country than any club in the world.

Europa League Group Stage Draw In One Easy Photo – Tottenham Get Rubin Kazan & Shamrock Rovers

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By Chris Wright

Saves me typing the entire bloody thing out...

As you can see in this handy photo, Shamrock Rovers are in with Spurs and Russian champions Rubin Kazan for their maiden foray into European competition.

Stoke have arguably landed the trickiest group of the other English participants though my money's on Fulham, the Potters and Brum all failing to make the next round this time around.

Get Ready, Ibrahima Sonko Is Coming…

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By Chris Wright

We hope to God that this is some kind of piss-take, lampooning the modern predilection for hyping even the most inconsequential little nothings up into vast, vulgar, gladiatorial epics...

Click

If not, well then we're all doomed.

The Thin, Wild Mercury Genius Of Djalminha

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By Chris Wright

Read any Djalminha retrospective and the same words seem to crop up; brilliant, mercurial, elusive, tumultuous, profligate, turbulent and it's little wonder why.

Having intermittently illuminated Spanish football with his extrovert brand of grace and skill after arriving at Deportivo La Coruna in 1997 (including a starring role in their title-winning side of 1999/2000), Djalminha looked a shoe-in for a spot in Brazil's 2002 World Cup squad right up until he pressed the self-destruct button two days before Phil Scolari was due to announce his final draft headbutting Deportivo coach Javier Irureta during a training ground scuffle.

Flawed And Adored: The Wild Genius Of Djalminha (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Read any Djalminha retrospective and the same words seem to crop up; brilliant, mercurial, elusive, tumultuous, profligate, turbulent and it's no wonder why.

Having intermittently illuminated Spanish football with his extrovert brand of grace and skill after arriving at Deportivo La Coruna in 1997 (including a starring role in their title-winning side of 1999/2000), Djalminha looked a shoe-in for a spot in Brazil's 2002 World Cup squad right up until he pressed the self-destruct button two days before Phil Scolari was due to announce his final draft headbutting Deportivo coach Javier Irureta during a training ground scuffle.

Bizarre Animation Follows Iker Casillas & Sara Carbonero On Holiday (NSFW Video)

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By Chris Wright

We seriously haven't got the foggiest what's actually going on here or just who is responsible for spending their time re-imagining Iker Casillas and Sara Carbonero's summer vacation in pixel-form but what we do know is that the video is definitely of a NSFW nature in parts.

PSV’s Jeremain Lens ‘Bananas’ One In From The Corner vs SV Ried (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PSV breezed past SV Ried in the Europa League last night, whooping the Austrians 5-0, with Jeremain Lens scoring the goal of the night.

After nipping past the charging Thomas Gebauer, Lens then proceeded to 'banana' a shot in from the corner with the outside of his foot before the SV 'keeper could make it back to his goal.

Snapshot: UEFA Were Feeling Lonesome Last Night

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By Chris Wright

Either Viktoria Plzen played FC Kobenhavn in a Champions League play-off last night, or someone in the UEFA graphics department was feeling ever so lonely...

Nudge nudge, wink wink.

First Photos: Samir Nasri Officially Unveiled By Man City

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By Chris Wright

The first photos of Samir Nasri and his brand new work clothes...

First the blue loafers, now the slashed jeans? What year is this? Who's the President?

[Photos: PA]

Hip Hoop Hooray! Scorching Volley Sees Shamrock Rovers Reach First Ever European Tournament (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hearty congrats go out to Shamrock Rovers, who became the first Irish side ever in the history of ever to reach the group stages of any European tournament by beating Partizan Belgrade 2-1 AET in Serbia last night thus booking themselves a place in the Europa League group stage.

Snapshot: Carles Puyol Really Dressed Up For UEFA’s Champions League Draw Gala

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By Chris Wright

With the 'ceremony' essentially boiling down to 64 balls being drawn out of a hat, UEFA tend to make a bit of a to-do with their Champions League galas and last night's bash in Monaco was no exception, what with it being over-egged at every possible juncture.

Robbie Savage VERY Pleased With New Tattoo?

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By Chris Wright

Before you scroll down the page, please be aware that this could scar you for life...

Is that a chipolata in your pocket Robbie, or are you just really pleased with your new tattoo?

Image: @RobbieSavage8

Arsenal Lodge Pathetic Gary Cahill Bid, Liverpool Re-Sign Craig Bellamy

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By Rumour Monger

Despite being continually valued at somewhere between £15-20 million by Bolton themselves, the Daily Mirror are reporting this morning that Arsenal have lodged a frankly derisory bid for centre-half Gary Cahill...of just £6 million roughly one third of the sticker price.

Arsenal Lodge Pathetic Gary Cahill Bid, Liverpool Re-Sign Craig Bellamy

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By Rumour Monger

Despite being continually valued at somewhere between £15-20 million by Bolton themselves, the Daily Mirror are reporting this morning that Arsenal have lodged a frankly derisory bid for centre-half Gary Cahill...of just £6 million roughly one third of the sticker price.

Champions League 2011/12 Group Stage Draw: Man City Get Tough Draw, Arsenal Stuck With Dortmund

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By Chris Wright

All of UEFA's perspex balls of destiny have been drawn from their respective goldfish bowls of fate and, as a result, the groups for the 2011/12 Champions League look like this...

Group A: Bayern Munich, Villarreal, Manchester City, Napoli

Group B: Inter Milan, CSKA Moscow, Lille, Trabzonspor

Group C: Manchester United, Benfica, Basel, Otelul Galati

Group D: Real Madrid, Lyon, Ajax, Dinamo Zagreb

Group E: Chelsea, Valencia, Bayer Leverkusen, Genk

Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Olympiakos, Borussia Dortmund

Group G: Porto, Shakhtar Donetsk, Zenit St Petersburg, APOEL

Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, BATE Borisov, Viktoria Plzen

Well, Man City's draw could have been a lot worse with Barcelona, AC Milan and Dortmund being the toughest possible permutation but it's not as though the balls have been especially kind to them Bayern Munich are seasoned heavyweights whereas both Villarreal and Napoli are not to be underestimated.

25 Photos Of Andrey Arshavin Being Epic

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By Chris Wright

Steady the buffs and batten down the hatches, I can feel an Arshav-a-lanche coming on...


[Photos: Arshavin.

Peckish Bayern Munich Fan Goes Mining For Nose Gold (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yet another poor soul who failed to realise that the 'anonomity of the crowd' rule doesn't really apply to football stadiums jammed with television cameras...

Eeew.

Video: 101GG

Sir Alex Ferguson Ends BBC Boycott, Appearance On ‘Something For The Weekend’ Already Scheduled

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By Chris Wright

After seven long years of giving the BBC the silent treatment (for effectively calling his agent son Jason a crook back in 2004), Sir Alex Ferguson has finally announced that he and Auntie have buried the hatchet thus making him available for comment on Match of the Day, Radio 5 Live, Songs Of Praise, Something For The Weekend, etc.

10 Footballers And Their Serial Killer Alter-Egos

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By Chris Wright

Ten footballers past and present who have killed before, and will definitely kill again.

Beware, this is not one for the faint-hearted...

1. Markus Babbel, a.k.a, 'The Berlin Vivisectionist': Drugs his victims in University cafeterias then drags them to his laboratory to splay them on hooks, thus displaying their internal organs.

Fantastic Behind-The-Scenes Footage Of Cesc Fabregas Signing With Barcelona (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Porta 104 (from BarcaTV) give us an intriguing glimpse into all the shenanigans that went on behind the scenes on the whirlwind day that Cesc Fabregas got to shake hands with the guy from 'Two and a Half Men' and sign on the dotted line with Barcelona.

Shit Lookalikes: Joey Barton & Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (Gary Oldman In ‘The Fifth Element’)

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By Chris Wright

Cigarettes at eye-level? Horrible flashbacks!

While we're on the subject of our favourite hipster bogbrush, it looks for all the world like Barton is to undergo a medical at QPR later today with a three-year, £60,000-a-week deal said to be in the offing.

Epilepsy Dog Celebrates With ‘Poznan’ After Man City Score (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Next up in 'Backward-Facing Dog News', we have Dougie; an alert dog that attends Manchester City matches with his epileptic owner Lynne and unprompted -Â joins the rest of the City fans in 'The Poznan' by turning his hairy little back on the pitch after a goal goes in (though even the Dougster must have refused to celebrate Samir Nasri's 'maiden strike' for the club).

Samir Nasri Scores On FIFA 12, Man City Count It As His First Goal

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By Chris Wright

God bless Manchester City, they're so silly...

For some reason unbeknownst to almost everybody, City have had their corporate buddies over at EA Sports mock up an image of Samir Nasri 'scoring his first City goal' against yep, you guessed it Manchester United.

Snapshot: Neymar And His Tiny Newborn Son

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By Chris Wright

Introducing both kilos' worth of wee David Lucca, who came into the world at some point overnight a child born to two children, one of whom happens to be Neymar...

Photo: @njr92

‘Arsenal Fans Are Not That Passionate’ – Samir Nasri Needs To Work On His Goodbyes

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By Chris Wright

Granted, it's not actually that grievous a jibe but, upon his arrival at Man City, Samir Nasri questioned the 'passion' of Arsenal fans the very same supporters that took the time to sing him a hearty, fully personalised chant for the entirety of the season opener against Newcastle but a fortnight ago.

Champions League: Udinese 1-2 Arsenal – Worst…Match Report…Ever (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Hands up, I watched the game in the boozer last night and, in direct correlation, can remember next to nothing about the match save isolated moments of semi-lucid clarity though the order is a little hazy.

Here are my 'notes', verbatim...

"Di Natale's forward roll was nice touch, SHOULD ALLOW DI NATALE'S OFFSIDE VOLLEY TO STAND ON QUALITY CONTROL GROUNDS, worrying that Vermaelen had broken again when he lay slumped on the touchline.

Angel Di Maria Scores Sweet Disallowed Goal vs Galatasaray (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After falling behind in the tenth minute, goals from Sergio Ramos and Karim Benzema saw Real Madrid come from behind to beat Galatasaray 2-1 on their own patch to win the Santiago Bernabeu Trophy last night though the 'goal' of the night belonged to Angel Di Maria, who saw his 25-yard, postage stamp-seeking missile ruled out for offside.

First Photos & Video: Samir Nasri Arrives At Man City In Horrendous Blue Loafers

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By Chris Wright

Hot off the PA press come the first few photos of Samir Nasri arriving at Manchester City to put the finishing touches on his contract and would you just cop an eyeful of those loafers...


After striding silently through the carpark in his blue suede ninja pumps, Samir then sashayed up the stairs, gracefully pirouetted through a bemused office, bumped into Paddy Vieira and then disappeared into a room with a large man with shiny brogues and a gleam in his eye.

2011/12 Premier League Betting Preview Week 3

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Two matches in and there are already a few things we know about the Premiership.

1 The second best team in the Premiership is Manchester United reserves

2 It is not going to be a good season for north London clubs

3 City's Aguero is going to be brilliant but alas not in every game

4 Steve Kean has got two more matches to get a few points or else those chickens will come home to roost.

WAG Watch: Introducing Eva Carneiro – Chelsea’s Rather Lovely New Team Doctor

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By WAG Watcher

Okay, so she's not technically a WAG as such, but we couldn't help but notice that a rather attractive, pouty, olive-skinned beauty keeps on cropping up on Chelsea's bench (not Paulo Ferreira) this season and, as such, we felt obliged to do some 'research' (Google > Image Search > 'Hot Chelsea physio').

Snapshot: Brazilian Legend Socrates Making ‘Excellent Progress’ After Health Scare

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By Chris Wright

After being admitted to Intensive Care on Friday morning with heavy gastrointestinal bleeding, Brazilian legend Socrates (officially the coolest man to ever grace the footballing sphere) posted this photo of him up and about earlier today, along with the following message:

"I'm great.

Charlton Fans Indulge In Spot Of ‘Vigorous Man Love’ Behind Sky Sports Reporter (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One in the eye for Neil Warnock, who claimed that no-one cares about the Carling Cup anymore after 4,000 fans turned up at Loftus Road to see QPR go out to Rochdale last night these cheeky Charlton fans bloody love it...

Via our pals over at OTP

Bursaspor’s Incredible New ‘Crocodile Stadium’ Given Green Light

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By Chris Wright

Great news for fans of incredible reptilia-inspired 45,000-seater stadiums everywhere, as work has just begun on Bursaspor's new Timsah Arena 'timsah' being the Turkish word for 'crocodile'...

That.

Snapshot: Daniel Agger Gets ‘Frimponged’ To Within An Inch Of His Life

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By Chris Wright

With tongues firmly entrenched in cheeks, there is a campaign afoot (most notably over on fledgling Arsenal blog Spend Some F**king Money) to get the word 'Frimpong' and all it's derivatives into the dictionary as a 'doing word', e.g:

frimpong definition

verb:

1.

Football GIF: Borja Valero’s Bulldozer Headbutt vs Odense

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By Chris Wright

During Villarreal's Champions League play-off with Odense last night (the yellow fellows won 3-0), Borja Valero got buffeted to the ground by Andreas Johansson, toe-poked in the back of the head in the process and responded with a particularly impressive 'touchline bulldozer headbutt'.

Thai Children Sing Surreal Tribute To ‘Celtic Dragon’ Joe Ledley (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Either I'm watching a classroom full of Thai schoolkids sing a tribute song to Celtic midfielder Joe Ledley to the tune of 'Ring of Fire' or someone has dropped a rather large quantity of LSD in my morning cuppa again...

I think I can see round corners and smell time.

Rumour Mill Erupts As Andy Carroll Spotted Outside Man City Stadium

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By Chris Wright

Snapshot: Sefan Savic And His ‘Blue Moon’ Bentley Continental

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By Chris Wright

Taking a leaf straight out of the Stephen Ireland playbook (which is always dangerous at the best of times) Stefan Savic has had his Bentley Continental sprayed Man City blue, though sadly chose to pass on the pink hubcaps...

Tasteful.

Samuel Eto’o To Earn ’60p Per Second’ At Anzhi

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By Chris Wright

Nice work if you can get it...

Image: Sky Sports

Chelsea Unveil Romelu Lukaku And Oriol ‘Blue Steel’ Romeu (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few photos of AVB officially unveiling his new signings Oriol Romeu (who has been given the No. 6 shirt vacated by Ricky Carvalho two years ago) and Romelu Lukaku during a Press Conference at Cobham Training Ground earlier this afternoon...

Photos: PA

Diego Forlan Crap At Golf, Much Better At ‘Footgolf’ In New Adidas Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Deigo Forlan (who we are just hearing has agreed to join Inter Milan, though it's yet to be confirmed) swaps his clubs for studs in order for a bracing round of 'Footgolf' in this new viral for Adidas...

Fancy a round of Footgolf with Fenella the Witch?

Snapshot: Real Madrid Present The Pope With Signed Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Pope Benedict XVI is in Madrid on one of his holy jaunts this week and, as a little 'pre-St Peter palm-greaser', Real Madrid saw fit to present the pontiff with a signed 'BENEDICTO 16′ shirt...

Bloody Popes, they always gets the best stuff funny little cars, funny little hats.

Sickening Image: Philippe Senderos Claims Joey Barton ‘Comes In Your Face’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Speaking on ESPN's Talk Of The Terrace last night, Fulham's Philippe Senderos gave us a terrifying glimpse into what (aside from Googling Nietzsche quotes and finding photos of WW1 infantrymen for his next trip to the barbers) really gets Joey Barton going.

Wanderers’ Diogo Sent-Off For Hoofing Opponent, Bitch Slaps Linesman For Making Decision (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, finding themselves 1-0 up over Montevideo Wanderers in the last few minutes of their Uruguayan Premier League tie a week or so ago, a couple of Danubio players attempt to run the clock down in the corner.

Taking umbrage at the time-wasting, irate Montevideo left-back Diogo takes a sly swipe at his opponent on the touchline and is duly (and quite rightly) red-carded by the referee at the behest of the linesman, who was standing a couple of feet away.

Official: Arsenal Agree Nasri Sale, Man City Medical This Afternoon

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By Chris Wright

It's official. All you gooners can start saying your goodbyes to Samir Nasri as Arsenal have agreed a fee with Man City (somewhere around £24 million) who have, in turn, agreed personal terms with the jinky Gallic schemer, who is now thought to be heading to Carrington as we speak to undergo a routine medical.

Notts County Manager Martin Allen Seeks ‘Whistling Teacher’ For Fun, Friendship…Maybe More

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By Chris Wright

Posted on Notts County's official website but a few days ago, manager Martin Allen's personal classfied ad for a 'whistling teacher'...

SASSY, SENSITIVE MAD DOG seeking M or F company Must have GSOH, like long walks on the beach, wining and dining, the music of Enya and preferably have two fine lips (for whistling at first.

Turkish Side Karsiyaka Sacrifice Camel, Smear Blood On Their Faces (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It wasn't so very long ago that we saw Sivasspor get a tarpaulin down at the side of the pitch and slaughter a sheep as a sacrifice to the Gods of goal difference, and now comes this Karsiyaka's attempt to upstage their fellow countryman.

By slitting a camel open and smearing it's blood on their player's faces (some of whom look decidedly undecided about the whole thing), some divine deity is duty-bound to afford the club the edge in the race for promotion from the Turkish second division which seems a little unlikely to us, but hey ho.

Shit Lookalikes: Jose Mourinho & A Dead Jedi

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By Chris Wright

Forgive us for tooting our own horn, but we happen to think this one is a little bit awesome...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Man Utd 3-0 Tottenham: Welbeck Dazzles As United Cruise Past Spurs (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After going in goalless at half-time, Manchester United rolled Tottenham over in the second-half at Old Trafford last night, with Danny Welbeck rising to meet Tom Cleverley's cross and guide a header past Brad Friedel to open the scoring on the hour mark.

Cup-Tying Samir Nasri: Is Wenger Really That Petty And Vindictive?

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By Chris Wright

With a move to Man City lingering, it seems that Samir Nasri is rapidly approaching the end of his brief, intermittently scintillating tenure at Arsenal. However, due to a whole heap of mithering over agent's fees, it is unlikely that a deal will be struck before Wednesday night which just so happens to be the evening that Arsenal attempt to defend their narrow first-leg Champions League play-off lead against Udinese in Udine.

Barcelona 5-0 Napoli: Fabregas Scores First Barca Goal, Cavani Sees Outrageous Overhead Kick Disallowed (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona beat Napoli 5-0 to win their 36th (out of 46) Joan Gamper Trophy at the Camp Nou last night, a match that saw Cesc Fabregas notch his first goal in blaugrana after starting up front in Leo Messi's 'false 9′ position duly opening the scoring by nudging home Adriano's cross.

Liverpool Mull Five-Way Squad Flush-Out, Make Room For Over-Priced English Defender?

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By Rumour Monger

After bringing in a bevvy of new faces over the summer, it seems that Kenny Dalglish is keen to move on a few of his fringe players/dead wood before September rolls around, with five players being mooted for export this morning.

We'll start with the most unlikely to go through, with the whisperings that Inter Milan are sniffing around Dirk Kuyt again, though it's thought that Dutchman and his glorious mane of wet spaghetti hair will snub any offer from Italy as he'd much prefer to stay at Anfield until they chuck him out a wise choice.

Guess Which Premier League Manager This Black-And-White Tyke On A Bike Grew Up Into?

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By Chris Wright

What we have here is a photo of a tyke on a bike from back when the 'ole world were black and white guv.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to hazard a guess as to which current top flight manager this snappily-dressed urchin grew up to become.

AC Milan 2-1 Juventus: ‘Berlusconi Cup’ Friendly Sprinkled With Superb Goals (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan beat Juventus 2-1 in the pre-season 'Berlusconi Trophy' friendly last night a game that was decided in the Rossoneri's favour by two fantastic goals.

Kevin The Fresh Prince of Boateng's opener was probably the pick of the bunch, but ol' Papa Seedorf's free-kick was also dead good and shit don't just take our word for it, have a look for yourselves.

Adeola Runsewe Delivers Textbook Studs-Up Tackle To Martin Svesson’s Testicles (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you happen to be the proud owner of testicles yourself then Adeola Runsewe's 'tackle' on Martin Svensson's 'tackle' (HB Koge vs Silkeborg) is almost certain to induce a wince and a sharp intake of breath through firmly gritted teeth...

Ouch.

Arsenal Lodge £12m Bid For Sturdy French International

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By Rumour Monger

According to the Guardian, Arsenal have opened talks with Rennes over a move for their £12 million-rated holding midfielder Yann M'Vila a player who has been attracting a fair amount of interest after establishing himself in the France national side over the course of the past year or so.

Disabled Dutch Fan Attacks Referee With His Wheelchair (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after the Dutch second division tie between FC Oss and Almere City saw the home side eventually lose 4-3 (after going 4-0 down) and have six yellow cards administered, a disabled Oss fan decides to vent his frustrations by attempting to mow the referee down with his Rascal.

Shit Lookalikes: Nani Caught Up In Maltese Prison Riots?

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By Chris Wright

Erm...

Yep, that's definitely Nani.

Muchos gracias to Pies fan Andrew for this incredible spot taken from the Times of Malta website.

‘He Won’t Play, His Head’s Not Right’ – Luka Modric ‘On Strike’ To Force Chelsea Move?

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By Rumour Monger

Just before close of play last night, Harry Redknapp told talkSPORT that Luka Modric would not be playing for Tottenham against Manchester United tonight because 'his head isn't in the right place'.

Said Redknapp:

"Someone (whoever could he mean?

Top 10 Premier League Photos: Dzeko Sends City To The Summit

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the ten best photos of this weekend's Premier League action...

Sunderland 0-1 Newcastle: Black Cats 'keeper Simon Mignolet watches in vain as Ryan Taylor's arching free-kick sails over him and in at the far post

Aston Villa 3-1 Blackburn: Gabriel Agbonlahor celebrates after opening the scoring at Villa Park with a smart, curling effort from the edge of the area

Wolves 2-0 Fulham: Ryan Jarvis is mobbed after scoring Wolves' second goal of the game to keep his side's 100% start to the season intact only 36 more to go

Swansea 0-0 Wigan: Swans 'keeper Michel Vorm saves Ben Watson's low penalty kick to ensure that the first Premier League game to be played outside of England ends goalless

Norwich 1-1 Stoke: Kenwyne Jones rises to head home an late equalizer for the Potters in the fourth minute of injury time

Arsenal 0-2 Liverpool:Â We've already seen the best photo from the game, but this snap of Wojciech Szczesny taking his groins to the limit during the warm-up is equally impressive

Chelsea 2-1 West Brom: Andres Villas-Boas (and everyone else in the East Stand) struggle with the sun at Stamford Bridge

After falling behind in the fourth minute to Shane Long's opportunistic opener, Florent Malouda knocks in Jose Bosingwa's cross at the far post to seal the victory for Chelsea with just seven minutes left to play

Everton 0-1 QPR: Tommy Smith scored the Hoops' first Premier League goal since 1996 to hand the Londoners an away victory over Everton (who duly fluffed several decent chances to get back in it) at Goodison

Bolton 2-3 Man City: Looking decidedly more fluid going forward than at any point last season, goals from David Silva, Gareth Barry and Edin Dzeko were enough to hand City an away win at the Reebok to leave them top of the Premier League pile oh, and Señor Tevez made an appearance

Photos: PA

Official: Chelsea Agree £23.5m Fee For Juan Mata

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By Rumour Monger

"Nothing really Matas, nothing really Matas to me..."

A small statement has appeared on the Chelsea website this morning to tell the waking world that the club has agreed a fee with Valencia for winger Juan Mata and that 'the move is now subject to the player passing a medical and agreeing personal terms' in other words, it's just a Mata of time.

Caption This: Jose Enrique Gets Caught Up In The Moment

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By Chris Wright

Pies say: Jose Enrique (whispering softly): "We are young, heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love...is a battlefield."

You say?

Football GIF: Raul Meireles Gives Lucas Cheeky Middle Finger Salute

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By Chris Wright

Not really sure why, but Raul Meireles flipped Lucas the big bird after Luis Suarez scored against Arsenal yesterday...

Have I missed something here?

10 Irie Photos Of Bob Marley Playing Football

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By Chris Wright

Woke up feeling decidedly 'irie', and as such felt compelled to put together a ten-strong gallery of Robert Nesta Marley indulging in his first love...

Marley practices his kick-ups after a match in Paris against a team of French celebrities was cancelled due to bad weather, 1977

Marley has a backstage kick-about with rest of The Wailers, 1976

Bob Marley and the Wailers play football at an empty stadium in Brussels while waiting to sound-check before kicking off the Belgian leg of the Exodus Tour, 1977

Marley relaxes with a soda after playing a game alongside Paolo Cesar Caju (a member of Brazil's 1970 World Cup squad) at Brazilian musician Chico Buarque's private pitch in Rio, 1980

Marley pulls on a 'Pele 10′ Santos shirt during a visit to the Brazilian club's stadium in Rio, 1980

Marley plays football with the 'Am/Jam' Team (America and Jamaica) against Haiti in Miami, September 1980 he was diagnosed with cancer two days later and died in May the following year

Bonus footage of Marley in action.

LA Galaxy Unveil Robbie Keane, Signs A Baby At Airport (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After securing himself yet another 'dream move', Robbie Keane was unveiled by LA Galaxy at the Home Depot Center yesterday during a ceremony that saw free Guinness provided on tap (because he's Oirish, you see?) and David Beckham, Landon Donovan and Bruce Arena all turn out to welcome the former Spurs striker to Lala Land.

LA Galaxy Unveil Robbie Keane, Signs A Baby At Airport (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After securing himself yet another 'dream move', Robbie Keane was unveiled by LA Galaxy at the Home Depot Center yesterday during a ceremony that saw free Guinness provided on tap (because he's Oirish, you see?) and David Beckham, Landon Donovan and Bruce Arena all turn out to welcome the former Spurs striker to Lala Land.

Javier Pastore Has A Sweet First Touch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the warm-up before PSG's Europa League tie against Differdange t'other evening, Javier Pastore pulls a 30-yard pass down out of the ether with a splash of panache...

Short and sweet. Like Danny DeVito dipped in Golden Syrup.

Javier Pastore Has A Sweet First Touch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the warm-up before PSG's Europa League tie against Differdange t'other evening, Javier Pastore pulls a 30-yard pass down out of the ether with a splash of panache...

Short and sweet. Like Danny DeVito dipped in Golden Syrup.

Vision And Finesse: Michael Laudrup (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Welcome, one and all, to Pies' regular Friday afternoon video tribute to the true footballing deities that have graced this hallowed sport down through the years, this week one of the most effortless, silky and demure playmakers of the modern era: Denmark's own Michael Laudrup.

Snapshot: Bangor Ladies’ New Kit Really Shows Off Their Mellons

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By Chris Wright

Not content with already having one of the most innuendo-laden club names in the British Isles, Bangor Ladies FC have just announced a new shirt sponsorship deal with a firm named 'Mellons'...

Apparently the Welsh side were also in talks over a similar deal with the 'Nice Tits' sparrow sanctuary in Llandudno, but negotiations fell through at an early stage.

Referee Drops Sizeable Bollock, Makes Worst…Penalty Call…Ever? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Bursaspor's 2-1 home defeat against Anderlecht in the Europa League last night, quite possibly the worst penalty call of all time, ever well, at least the worst one since whenever the last one was...

Bursaspor's Teteh Bangura climbs over his marker to flick the ball on with his hand and then, to put the icing on the dog turd, gets rewarded with a spot kick for his troubles.

Shit Lookalikes: Andres Iniesta & Clint Howard

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By Chris Wright

Iniesta is the little yella fella that plays in the middle for Barca

Howard is the funny-looking chap who's appeared in more movies and TV shows than you can shake a stick at, notably the Austin Powers trilogy, Apollo 13, a couple of Sandler atrocities and the serially under-rated Arrested Development which was narrated by his older brother, Ron (i.

Europa League: Hearts 0-5 Tottenham – Inevitable ‘Spurs Break Hearts’ Pun (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

How about that headline, eh? We're trying 'post-modern' on Pies.

Anywho, Hearts made the unfortunate error of allowing Tottenham to play exactly like Tottenham in the first-leg of their Europa League qualifier at Tynecastle last night and, as a result, got thoroughly spanked for their troubles.

Football GIF: Slapdown! Romelu Lukaku Given Traditional Chelsea Welcome

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By Chris Wright

In which new boy Romelu Lukaku runs the traditional 'Guantlet of Slaps' before his first training session at Chelsea...

Don't ask us why, but this 'traditional welcome' seems like something one John Terry might well have thought up.

Lassana Diarra Could Make Tottenham Debut On Monday Night

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By Rumour Monger

Tottenham are hopeful that a deal for Lassana Diarra will be struck over the weekend, and that the French midfielder could even be available to make his debut for Spurs in their opening game of the season a trip to Manchester United on Monday evening.

Biggest Challenge Of Michael Owen’s Life Is 1,000-Piece Horse Jigsaw

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By Chris Wright

Aww, bless him.

While other professional footballers spend their temps libre playing Xbox until their retinas fuse to their scleras or roasting desperate 17-year old skanks in 4-star hotel bedrooms until their red-raw dingles fall off, wee Michael Owen is sat at home steadily making his way through a 1,000-piece horsey jigsaw.

Chelsea Return With Improved Juan Mata Bid, £29m On The Table

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By Rumour Monger

Good rumours are a little thin on the ground this morning, but one juicy morsel doing the rounds is that, after having a £22 million bid rebuffed a couple of days ago, Chelsea have returned with a £29 million offer for in-demand Valencia winger Juan Mata.

Samir Nasri On Cusp Of Joining Man City, Had Heart Set On United

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By Rumour Monger

Samir Nasri is expected to undergo a medical at Carrington before completing a move to Manchester City over the weekend, amid growing claims from his homeland that the wayward Frenchman actually had his heart set on a move to...this isn't going to go down well.

Getafe Flog Tickets With Bizarre Sperm Bank/Zombie Lesbians Viral (NSFW Video)

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By Chris Wright

Getafe aren't exactly averse to embracing the wierd and wonderful in their attempts to flog match tickets, indeed we've seen fans lay eggs and koalas commit suicide before thanks to the Spanish club.

Therefore, you'll be glad to know that their latest NSFW attempt to shill their wares ploughs a similar furrow what with it containing a group trip to the sperm back, a Getafe-themed zombie lesbian porn video and the haunting image of a sperm cell fertilising the club's badge.

Konami Release Official PES 2012 Trailer (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bang! Hot on the heels of EA Sports' latest offering comes the official Konami trailer for PES 2012...

We first posted the rival FIFA 12 trailer yesterday, but here it is again side-by-side for you to 'compare and contrast' at will...

Snapshot: Mario Balotelli Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea

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By Chris Wright

Another day in the strange, non-sequitur life of Mario Balotelli this time paying Spongebob and his big pink friend a quick visit before getting on a big-ass rollercoaster in Blackpool the t'other day...

Image via CoasterForce

Retro Snapshot: ‘Darkie’ – Aston Villa’s Casually Racist 1950s Mascot

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By Chris Wright

This photo just landed in Pies' inbox and we felt we had to share it...

What we have here is an image of Aston Villa's matchday mascot throughout the early 1950s 'Darkie' to his friends (and his tailor) who is, unmistakably, a white fellow 'blacked-up' to look like a gollywog, minstrel or some such other casually racist stereotype that used to fly back then.

The Black-And-White Years: 10 Captivating Photos From The Football Archives

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By Chris Wright

Ten more wonderful vintage photos picked at random from the Pies' archives...

A police alsatian attempts to relieve Fortuna Dusseldorf forward Dieter Woske of his shorts after sliding into the net trying to convert a cross against Koln, 1959

Three Manchester City old boys catch forty winks on a bench in Trafalgar Square before their side's FA Cup Final against Birmingham City at Wembley, 1956

Mourners gather in silence as the coffin of Manchester United captain Roger Byrne arrives at Flixton Parish Church.

Snapshot: Jose Mourinho Doing The Bidding Of His Evil Mustachioed Overlord

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By Chris Wright

"Come in Jose, this is Moustache-a-tron. See that man? The man they call 'Tito'? He threatens to undermine our quest for world domination. Poke him in the eye...NOW!"

Image: Age

Young Arsenal Fan Lets $amir Na$ri Know How He Really Feels…

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By Chris Wright

Kids these days, eh? So fickle it only takes a summer-long contract quibble to turn them on their heroes...

All I know is, if I'd have scrawled out GEMMILL on my new Forest shirt and written BART-WILLIAMS across the back in chisel-tip marker pen, my Mum would've gone ape-shit!

Shit Lookalike: Ben Foster & Danny Miller (Of Emmerdale Fame)

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By Chris Wright

Cracking spot from Pies fan Lee Hickson, who noticed that Baggies goalkeeper Ben Foster bears an uncanny resemblance (it's the 'head-too-large-for-face' ratio that does it) to actor Danny Miller, who currently plays Aaron Livesy on Emmerdale which is, as Lee points out, a rubbish Northern soap opera.

Magician ‘Dynamo’ Turns ATM Receipts Into Premier League Tickets, Blows Nemanja Vidic’s Mind (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a street magician by the name of 'Dynamo' takes worthless cash-machine receipts and turns them into Premier League (and Birmingham City) match tickets all with the flick of a wrist, then goes on to bamboozle Nemanja Vidic's brain with some card-based jiggery-pokey.

Chelsea See Juan Mata Bid Knocked Back, Open Talks Over €55m Porto Pair

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By Rumour Monger

Could this man be on his way to the Bridge?

First we've heard, but the Daily Mail are reporting this morning that Chelsea have a sneaky £22 million bid for supposed Arsenal target Juan Mata knocked back by Valencia but apparently, like some sort of cash-laden Terminator, 'they will be back'.

Liverpool Lead Chase For Gary Cahill, Offer Crap Striker & Borderline Toddler In Part-Exchange

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By Rumour Monger


Liverpool are thought to have nudged their noses ahead in the race to sign Bolton centre-half Gary Cahill after Kenny Dalglish gave the green-light for David N'Gog and Raheem Sterling to be included as ballast in the deal along with a cheque for £10 million.

Spanish Super Cup: Barcelona 3-2 Real Madrid – Fabregas Makes Debut, Wins First Trophy (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Despite having only played for Barcelona for somewhere around 8 minutes, Cesc Fabregas already has a trophy to his name after the Catalans beat Real Madrid 3-2 in the second-leg (the first leg finished 2-2) of the Spanish Supercopa final at the Camp Nou last night.

EA Sports Release Official FIFA 12 Trailer (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the official trailer for FIFA 12...

The best thing about the new FIFA? They've even included Wayne Rooney's hairplugs...

How's that for attention to detail?

Video: EA Sports

Peter Crouch Visits Looted Tottenham Barbers For A Haircut (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

In which Peter Crouch pays a visit to the Tottenham barber shop run by 89-year old Spurs fan Aaron Biber that was looted and ransacked during the London riots last week.

Well, to be specific, 99.9% of it was ransacked the vandals chose to leave a signed photo of Crouchy well alone.

Hot Ecuadorian ‘Journalist’ Asks Player To Sign Her Bum (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We literally have no clue as to what's going on here, but the clip shows a hot(ish), blonde Ecuadorian 'journalist' taking to the pitch after a game and attempting to get one of the players to sign her arse for her so we thought we'd share...

As you can see, the bemused player doesn't play ball but that doesn't stop our compelling protagonist from getting her backside out for the baying crowd behind the goal you'll go far honey.

Snapshot: Irish Herald Wish Thierry Henry Happy Birthday

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By Chris Wright

Spotted in the Irish Herald's birthday round-up section...

Via 101GG

Rotterdam Roots: Robin Van Persie Shows Us His Old Stomping Ground (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yes, it's a thinly veiled advert for the new line of Adidas garb, but here's Arsenal's new capitano Robin van Persie talking us through his footballing roots and showing us around his old stomping ground in Rotterdam...

You may be wondering just where you've seen RVP's mate Soufiane Touzani before, well it could well be the video that circulated last year of the Dutch freestyler embarrassing Emmanuel Eboue at a charity bash in London with some of his skilly silks.

Sunderland Close To Another Cracking Signing – Niko Kranjcar On His Way

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By Rumour Monger

After spending the summer making a decuplet of signings that all rate somewhere fairly high on the 'impressive' spectrum (Wes Brown, John O'Shea, Connor Wickham, Seb Larsson, Craig Gardner, etc), Sunderland are about to add an eleventh and, perhaps, this one is the most impressive of them all.

Budweiser Announce FA Cup Games To Be Streamed Live On Facebook

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By Chris Wright

The FA have announced that the oldest cup competition in the known universe, the FA Cup, is to undergo a bit of a technological revamp as of 2011/12 (this Friday night to be specific) with Ascot United's preliminary cup tie against Wembley FC set to be streamed live on Facebook.

Football Art: Cigarette Packets Turned Into Miniature Football Kits

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By Chris Wright

This right here is the art of Leo Fitzmaurice, a chap that specialises in taking soggy tab packets and turning them into miniature football kits and we bloody well love it...

Apparently, the idea first came to Leo (who is neither a smoker or a football fan!

Champions League Play-Off: Arsenal 1-0 Udinese – Theo Walcott FTW (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

The relief was almost tangible as Arsenal began life after Cesc with a win last night, beating Udinese 1-0 in the first leg of their Champions League play-off at the Emirates thanks to a fourth-minute Theo Walcott goal.

However, the narrow victory wasn't overly convincing, with the Italians going close on several occasions particularly Antonio Di Natale, who clipped the woodwork twice and forced a decent save out of Wojciech Szczczczczczcney in the first-half.

‘Plenty Of Foreplay And Slow Arousal’ – Ken Bates Offers Sex Tips To Leeds Fans?

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By Chris Wright

"When a man loves a woman very, very much..."

Sometimes you happen across quotes that you just know are going to leave an indelible stain on your subconscious memory, quotes which stir vivid images that will haunt your slumber from now until your dying day.

Tottenham Perilously Close To Signing Adebayor On Loan, Lodge Fresh £3.5m Offer For Sweaty Tibetan Fox

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By Rumour Monger

After a relatively quiet summer (only Brad Friedel and Robbie Keane's dream move to LA Galaxy to speak of), it looks like Tottenham are ready to wade into the transfer cesspool by tying up deals for Scott Parker and ex-Arsenal mard-arse Emmanuel Adebayor.

Tottenham Perilously Close To Signing Adebayor On Loan, Lodge Fresh £3.5m Offer For Sweaty Tibetan Fox

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By Rumour Monger

After a relatively quiet summer (only Brad Friedel and Robbie Keane's dream move to LA Galaxy to speak of), it looks like Tottenham are ready to wade into the transfer cesspool by tying up deals for Scott Parker and ex-Arsenal mard-arse Emmanuel Adebayor.

Snapshot: ‘These Aren’t Just Prawn Sandwiches, These Are Chelsea FC Prawn Sandwiches’

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By Chris Wright

'Text PRAWN to 81905′? Roy Keane would be spinning in his grave if he were dead...

Image: Deadspin

Snapshot: ‘These Aren’t Just Prawn Sandwiches, These Are Chelsea FC Prawn Sandwiches’

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By Chris Wright

'Text PRAWN to 81905′? Roy Keane would be spinning in his grave if he were dead...

Image: Deadspin

Samir Nasri’s Man City Move ‘Nearly Done’, Arsenal Eyeing £26m Belgian Replacement

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By Rumour Monger

According to the man himself, Samir Nasri's imminent move to Manchester City is 'nearly done' and that the Frenchman will be leaving the club with a sense of 'anger and bitterness' after understandably taking being repeatedly called a 'c*nt' by the Arsenal fans at Newcastle on Saturday as a personal slight.

Spooky Snapshot: Pep Guardiola Predicted Cesc Fabregas’ Move To Barcelona Eleven Years Ago

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is the very shirt that Barcelona's No. 4 at the time, one Pep Guardiola, signed and gave to a 13-year old Cesc Fabregas to help console him after his parents divorced back in 2000...

It reads: "For Francesc Fabregas, hoping to see you in a few years with the number 4 at the Camp Nou.

Sir Bobby Charlton…Dancing…To Beyoncé (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just Sir Bobby Charlton, a man of 73 no less, laying down a few choice moves with former England cricketer Michael Vaughan at a charity event in Manchester t'other day...

Gawd bless him.

Video: Mancunian Matters

Alvaro Recoba Scores On Nacional Debut, Commentator Has A Seizure (Video)

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By Chris Wright

At the grand old age of 35, chipmunk-faced set-piece wizard Alvaro Recoba made his second bow for Uruguayan side Nacional in a 3-3 draw with River Plate at the weekend, marking his debut with a neat strike from the edge of the box a goal which sent the commentator into some kind of awful, roaring seizure.

FA Slap Gervinho With Three-Match Ban For Violently Ruffling Joey Barton’s Hipster Quiff

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By Chris Wright

Aside from the fact that he should have been red-carded for a) the preceding dive, and b) the hair, the FA have upheld their charge of 'violent behaviour' against Arsenal forward Gervinho for slapping Joey Barton after the Newcastle gobshite hoisted the Ivorian to his feet by his shirt collar at St James' Park on Saturday.

Chelsea To Swoop For Liverpool’s Raul Meireles Because Villas-Boas Managed Him For One Game?

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By Chris Wright

The Daily Mail seem bloomin' well adamant that Chelsea may be about to table a £12 million offer for Liverpool's dragon-tatted midfield hipster Raul Meireles in a bid to hedge their bets should their chase for Luka Modric ultimately end fruitless:

"Chelsea are considering a move for.

The Very Best Of Emmanuel Eboue

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By Chris Wright

With his move to Galatasaray all signed and sealed as of this afternoon, we salute Arsenal's greatest ever right-back (yep) with a 'Best Of...' compilation album that spans his peerless six years with the Gunners...

Track 1: 'Champagne Supernova'

Track 2: 'Bend Me, Shape Me, Anyway You Want Me'

Track 3: 'Tiger Feet'

Track 4: 'The Frog Chorus'

Track 5: 'Big Yellow Taxi'

Track 6: 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas'

Track 7: 'I'm In The Mood For Dancing'

Track 8: '(Let Me Be Your Lovin) Teddy Bear'

Track 9: 'Dressed To Kill'

Track 10: 'Lost In Translation'

Track 11: 'Wires'

Even the completion of Eboue's move to Galatasaray was cocked-up, with the Ivorian apparently touching down in Turkey just as the Gala officials got off the plane at Heathrow to finalize the deal then again, did anyone really expect it would go completely smoothly?

Shit Lookalikes: David Vaughan & Randy Hickey

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By Chris Wright

Vaughan is Sunderland's ex-Blackpool midfield terrier.

Hickey is the big chap from 'My Name Is Earl' played by Ethan Suplee or the big chap from 'Remember The Titans' as we choose to remember him.

Got a Lookalike for Pies?

English Fan-Owned Clubs Performed ‘Better Than Average’ In 2010/11

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at here is a table showing the performances of all fan-owned football clubs playing in the English football league system in 2010/11...

The 'level' column indicates the tier that each club is playing in as of 2011/12, i.

Snapshot: Kaka & Family Sent Slightly Creepy Jigsaw By Chinese Fan

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By Chris Wright

As tweeted by Kaka's wife Caroline, this 'ere is the slighty creepy jigsaw puzzle both made and mailed to the Real Madrid midfielder's family home by one of his biggest fans/stalkers...

Oh...err...thank you?

‘It’s True, I’ve Received An Offer’ – Inter Milan Make Their Move For Diego Forlan

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By Chris Wright

Make of this what you will but Diego Forlan has told a Turkish newspaper that he is in talks over a move to Inter Milan after refuting talk of him joining Galatasaray while on holiday in Miami:

"Yes it's true. I've received an offer from Inter and to play in Milan is my dream.

Gary Neville’s Post-Match Interview With Roberto Mancini Was A Little Awkward (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Comrade Neville made his Monday Night Football debut for Man City's sound thrashing of Swansea last night and, speaking broadly, all went well all except his squirm-inducing one-on-one interview with City boss Roberto Mancini.

Do you best to ignore the clown 'commentating' on the proceedings and just listen to the deafening silence that befalls the studio after the Neviller's bumbled opening gambit.

Hoffenheim Apologise For Deliberately Drowning Out Dortmund Fans With Strange Siren (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bundesliga side Hoffenheim have reprimanded one of their employees after he allegedly rigged up a loud speaker under the away stand to drown out Borussia Dortmund fan's derogatory chants about the club's money man, Deitmar Hopp, with a high-pitched siren.

Snapshot: Vandals Burn Rival Club’s Initials Into Oxford United’s Pitch

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By Chris Wright

When banter turns to herbicide.

Police are appealing for witnesses after vandals broke into Oxford United's Kassam Stadium at the weekend and burnt 'STFC' the initials of local rivals Swindon Town rather shoddily into the pitch with a 'substance capable of staining the grass' apologies for using that technical jargon) ahead of Saturday's derby game between the two sides.

Man City 4-0 Swansea: Two Goals And An Awesome Assist – Sergio Aguero Off To Flying Start (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Man City got off to a flyer on their own patch last night with a 4-0 rollicking of newly-promoted Swansea, in which, minutes after Edin Dzeko had opened the scoring, Sergio Aguero emerged for the last half-an-hour and still managed to bag himself a brace (including a corker from the edge of the box) and an assist, with his groin-twanging flick setting up David Silva to volley home City's third goal of the night.

First Photos: Cesc Fabregas Unveiled By Barcelona – Sweet Merciful Heavens It’s Over!

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By Chris Wright

It's official. We'll have proper reaction when Pies kicks back into full swing tomorrow, but for now you'll have to make do with the images that are starting to leak through from Cesc Fabregas' unveiling ceremony at the Nou Camp he's already kissing the badge.

Official: Cesc Fabregas Finally Signs (w/ Photo Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

Got ya...

Oldest trick in the book!

According to Barcelona's official website, the contracts are actually due to be signed at 12:30pm BST this afternoon.

Shit Lookalikes: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain & The Thing (The Fantastic Four)

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By Chris Wright

Pies fan Michael Jacobs reckons Arsenal's new kid in town Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain bears a striking resemblance to 'The Thing' from the Fantastic Four and we're inclined to agree, it's something about that orange paving slab of a face!

Got a Lookalike for Pies?

Have You Seen This Man? Unknown Hero Scores Outrageous Overhead Kick From Outside The Box (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This video is doing the rounds at the minute after appearing on MARCA's website a couple of days ago and, as yet, no-one has the foggiest just who is the dashing hero responsible for this quick-thinking overhead kick from over in what we like to refer to as 'the FIFA 99 crossing zone'.

Matias Urbano Scores Another Rabona, Celebrates Like ‘Dying Fish’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember Matias Urbano as the Argentinian fella that notched a fine (offside) 'rabona' volley for Union San Felipe against Union La Calera not so very long ago, and you'll be glad to know that he's repeated the feat notching both goals in Union's 2-1 win over Deportes Iquique on Saturday, opening the scoring with another of his trademark rabona toe-pokes.

Matias Urbano Scores Another Rabona, Celebrates Like ‘Dying Fish’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember Matias Urbano as the Argentinian fella that notched a fine (offside) 'rabona' volley for Union San Felipe against Union La Calera not so very long ago, and you'll be glad to know that he's repeated the feat notching both goals in Union's 2-1 win over Deportes Iquique on Saturday, opening the scoring with another of his trademark rabona toe-pokes.

West Brom 1-2 Man Utd: United Rely On Trusty Veteran To Nab Opening Day Victory (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Reigning champs Manchester United got their title defense off to a winning start with a 2-1 win over West Brom at the Hawthorns on Sunday.

Wayne Rooney opened the scoring, nutmegging a shot into the far corner in the 13th minute before Shane Long pulled one back for the Baggies on his debut with a relatively tame shot trundling past David De Gea and nestling in the inside side netting.

‘Eye For Goal That Would Make A Cyclops Jealous’ – David Villa’s Stunning Supercopa Goal (With Ray Hudson Commentary)

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By Chris Wright

David Villa's goal in last night's Spanish Supercopa first-leg, as seen through the eyes of Gol TV's very own verbose Geordie word-wizard, Mr Ray Hudson...

The first leg of the Supercopa between Real Madrid and Barcelona ended in a 2-2 draw at the Bernabeu last night -a game which boasted it's fair share all the usual niggly Clasico hijinx, along with a rare goal for Xabi Alonso.

Top 10 Premier League Photos: Gervinho’s A Slapper, Seb Larsson Nets A Cracker

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By Chris Wright

Thanks Moses, Jesus and Chewbacca the Premier League is back though, we can't lie, the opening day was a little bit on the pap side here's our pick of the photos...

Newcastle 0-0 Arsenal: Joey Barton hoists Gervinho to his feet after the Ivorian had collapsed in the Newcastle penalty area looking for a spot-kick.

Retro Football: ‘Bull Boys Shoes Are What You Need…’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you immediately responded 'GET THE POWER, ON YOUR FEET!' at the top of your voice after reading that headline then you, like me, were at school in the early-ish 1990′s a glorious period in which Bull Boys (never heard of before or since) enlisted one Alan Hansen to flog their godawful football trainers.

Snapshot: West Brom Unveil Shane Long, Roy Gets The Pins Out

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By Chris Wright

For those whom it may concern, a few snaps of Shane Long's unveiling at West Brom yesterday afternoon following his £6.5 million move from Reading earlier in the week a snappy little signing for the Baggies right there...

Woy in shorts Meeeoow!

Snapshot: West Brom Unveil Shane Long, Roy Gets The Pins Out

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By Chris Wright

For those whom it may concern, a few snaps of Shane Long's unveiling at West Brom yesterday afternoon following his £6.5 million move from Reading earlier in the week a snappy little signing for the Baggies right there...

Woy in shorts Meeeoow!

These ‘Sockey’ (Soccer/Ice Hockey) Kits Need To Exist…

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By Chris Wright

Granted, we know next to nothing about the NHL/Ice Hockey, in fact, we haven't watched any since Charlie Conway was earmarked as the next big thing back in the early '90s but, nevertheless, these 'ere 'Sockey' kits get our seal of approval.

Some dilligent (presumably otherwise unemployed) soul has been busy, beavering away at producing these fantasy Sockey strips i.

Caption This: Sylvain Marveaux Not Overly Impressed With Latest Newcastle Signing

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By Chris Wright

Some ace work on the 'Tevez Facepalm' edition earlier this week, so I'm expecting big things...

Pies says: 'Why the long face?' said the Frenchman to the misshapen parsnip

You say?

‘Coen-cen-trao? Who Is Coencentrao?’ – Portuguese Pronunciation Lessons With Cristiano Ronaldo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which some dumb schmo from the Portuguese press corps gets Fabio Coentrao's name all wrong, and Cristiano Ronaldo pounces and emerges looking less dickish than you'd expect...

Video: 101GG

Snapshot: ‘Arsenal-Supporting Dog’ Sums Up Fabregas Saga

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal Dog: summing up every single Gooners' feelings vis-a-vis the Fabregas debacle in one, immaculately curled-off canine turd...

As our pals over at KCKRS so eloquently put it, 'if actions speak louder than words, then this Arsenal-supporting dog is deafening'.

30 Photos Of Kids Playing Football Around The World

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By Chris Wright

Football in it's purest form...

Exiled Tibetan children play football in the rain in a school yard in Dharmsala, India

A Somali boy plays football in a refugee camp in Mogadishu, Somalia

Qatari children play football outside their mosque

Children play football on the fringes of the Corail refugee camp for victims of the Haiti earthquakes on the outskirts of Port-au-Prince

Iraqi children play football in the streets of Baghdad's Fadhil district

Children play football in the Salgueiro slum in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Two brothers play football as the rain lashes down in Havana Bay, Cuba

Children run after a football at another refugee camp in Port-au-Prince, Haiti

Children play football on a floating pitch in the harbour of Ascona, Switzerland

A young 'keeper makes a save during a kick-about on the outskirts of Mendoza, Argentina

Children gather to play football as night falls over the steep hillside slums of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

English kids have a kick-about outside Valley Parade before Bradford's pre-season friendly against Bolton

The children of the 33 trapped Chilean miners play football in the temporary camp set up for relatives at the San Jose mine in Copiapo, Chile

Children play football as the vast Parliament building in Kabul is being constructed in the background, Afghanistan

Children play football on one of the hottest days on record in the Mayan community of Tabi on the Yucatan peninsula, Mexico

Two boys play football in a temporary refugee camp after the earthquake in Lorca, Spain

A Palestinian child poses for a photo while his friends play football next to Israel's separation barrier in the West Bank town of Abu Dis, on the outskirts of Jerusalem

Children play football in front of the shell-damaged Darul Aman Palace in the suburbs of Kabul, Afghanistan

Young children train at the Estrella de Maldonado club (who boast Marcelo Gallardo, Maxi Lopez, Diego Latorre and Javier Saviola as early alumni) in Buenos Aires, Argentina

Children play football right next to the Pacific Ocean in Panama City, Panama

Children play football in a dusty street bordering a cemetery in Kabul, Afghanistan

A child arrives and changes into his kit at a training session in El Algarrobal, on the outskirts of Mendoza, Argentina

Syrian refugee children run with a football in a newly opened camp in the town of Reyhanli in Hatay province, Turkey

Afghan children chase a football through the streets in the old part of the city in Kabul, Afghanistan

Children turn-out for a practice session at a stadium on the outskirts of New Delhi, India

Children play football in front the 'Maine' building in Havana, Cuba

Children attend a free football clinic near a camp for people displaced by the earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti

Palestinian children play football next to ruins of houses destroyed during Israel's three-week offensive in Gaza

Members of 15 Squadron RAF Regiment play football with children on one of the last patrols during combat operations by the British in Basra Province, Iraq

Two lads play football on a bridge in front of the Rocinha slum in Rio de Janeiro

Photos: PA

Serves Ewe Right: Sivasspor Sacrifice Live Lamb On The Pitch Before Friendly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What we have here is grizzly footage from before Sivasspor's recent friendly with FK Rad Belgrade, in which the Turks kick off preceedings by getting a tarpaulin down on the touch line and slitting a live lambs throat (to a ripple of warm applause) before smearing the claret all over their boots.

Arsenal Poised To Spunk £20m Of ‘Fabregasri’ Cash On Scott Dann + One Of Shakhtar’s Millions Of Brazilians

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By Chris Wright

The 'desperate Dann' puns are writing themselves this morning, with the news (which is being carried by nearly all of the major papers) that Arsenal are set to gazump Stoke City and Aston Villa after opening talks with Birmingham over a £10 million move for Scott Dann, i.

Blackburn Forgo 2011/12 Shirt Sponsor In Favour Of Prince’s Trust Logo

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By Chris Wright

While for all the world it seems like they are trying to reduce Blackburn to a chicken-flavoured laughing stock, kudos must go out to Venky's for this one with the Indian poultry magnates deciding to forgo a shirt sponsor for 2011/12 and instead carry the logo of the Prince's Trust, a charity that works with disadvantaged youths around Britain.

First Photo: Jose Enrique Arrives At Melwood For Liverpool Medical

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By Chris Wright

Photographic evidence (sort of, you'll have to take our word for it that the car is outside Melwood) that Toon left-back has arrived on Merseyside to undergo his medical at Liverpool...

Photo: PA

Football GIF: Jurgen Klinsmann’s Fist-Pumping Goal Celebration vs Mexico

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By Chris Wright

Jurgen Klinsmann has a bit of previous when it comes to goal celebrations but, while it's no match for his peerless efforts of yesteryear, Klinsi's power-pumpin' reaction to Robbie Rogers' equaliser against Mexico last night was still pretty 'epic' as the kids say.

Just As Phil Thompson Prophesied – Liverpool Agree Fee For Jose Enrique

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By Chris Wright

Just as the Aztec god of humongous nasal passages Phil Thompson prophesied on Norwegian television many moons ago, Liverpool have this very afternoon announced that they have agreed a fee with Newcastle for left-back Jose Enrique the cheeky buggers won't tell us what that fee it is, though we've heard it's somewhere up around the £6 million mark.

Sporting Gijon’s Javi Poves Denounces ‘Rotten’ Football, Quits Forever And Refuses To Accept His Wages

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By Chris Wright

While the young people of Spain continue to protest on the streets against the country's manifest political corruption, Sporting Gijon defender Javi Poves has taken a moral stand turning his back on the club and quitting football altogether aged 24, after spending too long in direct contact with the game's grubby underbelly.

Exit The Dragon: Raul Meireles Airs His Substantial Back Tattoo

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By Chris Wright

In which every Liverpudlian's favourite Portuguese hipster midfielder, Raul Meireles, takes the oppurtunity to show-off, amongst other assorted arm and neck ink, his vast dragony back tattoo after Portugal's 5-0 friendly victory over Luxembourg in Faro last night.

Sporting Gijon Defender Renounces ‘Rotten’ Football, Quits Forever And Refuses To Cash His Wages

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By Chris Wright

While the young people of Spain continue to protest on the streets against the country's manifest political corruption, Sporting Gijon defender Javi Poves has taken a moral stand turning his back on the club and quitting football altogether aged 24, after spending too long in direct contact with the game's grubby underbelly.

Mario Balotelli Interrupts Thiago Alcantara Interview To Tell Him He’s Great (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after Italy's 2-1 friendly win over Spain last night, Mario Balotelli sneaks into shot during Thiago Alcantara's post-match interview and, with everyone fearing the worst, merely tells the wee Barca sprog that he's mas grande which, our beginner's Spanish guide tells us, means 'the greatest' or something thereabouts.

Snapshot: 18 Months After Being Shot In The Head, Salvador Cabanas Makes Paraguay Comeback

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By Chris Wright

Paraguay staged a friendly against Mexican side America in Mexico City yesterday to honour Salvador Cabanas, the striker who was shot in the head at close range in a Mexico City bar back in late January 2010 and miraculously lived to tell the tale with the bullet still lodged in his brain.

Chelsea Launch New 2011/12 Third Kit – It’s All A Bit ‘LA Galaxy’ (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Looking a bit 'LA Galaxy', here we have a couple of photos of Chelsea's brand spanking new third strip for 2011/12 that, as you can clearly see from the shot below, Lamps was overjoyed at being roped in to model.

If, like us, you thought the collar was some kind of velvety denim at first glance, fear yet not for it too is made of recycled plastic bottles and angel's tears like the rest of the kit.

First Premier League Casualty: Tottenham vs Everton Called Off After London Riots

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By Chris Wright

Word on Pies Street is that the opening weekend Premier League tie between Tottenham and Everton has been cancelled due to the ongoing twattery in London.

The postponement is yet to be confirmed by either club or by the Premier League themselves but their are rumblings trickling down from some very high-ranking sources that the game at White Hart Lane will be shelved.

Two Bids Accepted: Fabregas & Nasri Teetering On Arsenal Exits

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By Chris Wright

A pretty pap pre-season is about to get a whole lot worse for Arsenal, with the news breaking today that both Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri are teetering on the brink after the Gunners agreed fees with Barcelona and Manchester City respectively.

The BBC are reporting that Arsenal have shook hands over a £35 million deal for Fabregas and that City have had a bid over somewhere between £22-27 million accepted for Nasri and that both transfers are expected to be tied up before the weekend is out.

Paddy ‘The Derry Pele’ McCourt Lives Up To Nickname, Scores Beauty Against Faroe Islands (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Celtic's Paddy McCourt was handed his first full competitive start for Nigel Worthington's Norn Iron at Windsor Park last night, and went on to bag a brace in a 4-0 win over the Faroe Islands.

The winger's second goal (the last goal of the night) was a thing of beauty, with McCourt cutting in from the wing, tacking between a pair of listless defenders before hooking a perfect lob over the Faroes 'keeper -Â all in a night's work for 'The Derry Pele'.

Snapshot: Mexico’s Omar Arellano Has A ‘Gary Lineker’ Moment

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By Chris Wright

All evidence suggests that Mexico striker Omar Arellano had a bit of a downstairs trouser accident as last night's friendly against the US rumbled into it's final stages...


If you're wondering what Leicester's premier crisp peddler has to do with the price of fish, then allow us to present you with some glorious context.

Shit Lookalike: Gerard Butler’s Torso & E.T’s Face

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By Chris Wright

A gaggle of Celtic legends and celebrities took on their Manchester United counterparts at a sold-out Celtic Park (60,000 people for a charity run-out ain't half bad going) last night in aid of the East Africa Appeal and, beforehand, we couldn't help but notice that actor Gerard Butler's torso bore a striking resemblance to the fizzog of a certain extra-terrestrial testicle.

WAG Watch: Sami Khedira & Hot, Blonde, Bikini-Clad WAG Livin’ The Life In St. Tropez

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By WAG Watcher

Bottled water, well la-di-da...

Before you ask, her name is Lena Gercke and she's a German model...

...and she's lovely.

Photos: Kickette

St Pauli’s Marius Ebbers Suffers Gruesome Broken Arm vs Aachen (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which St Pauli forward Marius Ebbers suffers a stomach-churning broken arm after falling awkwardly during the German side's recent clash with Aachen.

Consider this your warning, it's pretty gruesome...

Told you it was grim.

I'm no a doctor not by a long chalk but even I know that it's not supposed to be pointing that way.

14 Photos Of Footballers Looking A Bit ‘Special’

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By Chris Wright

For the record, we're not talking 'blessed with a gift from the gods' special here, we're talking 'eating the crayons again' special...

Adam Johnson, England: Thumbs up if you're enjoying yourself...

Dieter Hecking, Nuremburg: Looks like the kind of chap that doesn't have to pay on local buses.

Snapshot: Alex Morgan Takes An Ice Bath

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By Chris Wright

Oh, to be Whitney Engen right about now. Sod the frozen giblets, it'd be totally worth it.

Here's a recently tweeted snapola of Engen and her Western New York Flash teammate, USWNT lovely Alex Morgan, dousing their lower bodies together in an ice bath immediately after a sweaty training session.

Samuel Eto’o On Brink Of Anzhi Switch, Russians Offer Mind-Bogglingly Ma-hoo-sive Contract

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By Chris Wright

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

As you may or may not be aware, Samuel Eto'o is on the brink of signing for Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala (they who currently employ Roberto Carlos and force all their new signings don 'traditional' sheepskin carpets and hats), with Massimo Morratti, several Inter execs and the player's agent all confirming that the move is nearing it's completion over the course of the past couple of days.

Snapshot: Rioters Loot Tottenham Barbers, Leave Signed Photo Of Peter Crouch

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By Chris Wright

The question that springs instantly to Pies' mind is 'why the hell would you loot a barber's?' Granted, we're a little out of the loop do scissors, combs and brylcreem fetch huge prices on the black market?

Football Songs: Eminem’s ‘Stan’ (Kroenke) – The Arsenal Remix

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By Chris Wright

"Since buying Arsenal, Stan Kroenke has truly lived up to his reputation for being ‘silent'. Until now..."

Breath-takingly awesome stuff from those mirth-merchants over at Gunnerblog.

Moronic Olimpo Fan Spits At Juan Roman Riquelme (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Boca Juniors vet Juan Roman Riquelme endures a barrage of close-range gobbage and spitoonery from a goon in the crowd as he tries to take a corner during Boca's 0-0 draw with Olimpo at the tiny Bahia Blanca stadium over the weekend...

Said the Boca legend after the game: "People are used to doing this in our country and nothing surprises you", before going on to complain about the state of the Olimpo pitch which says a fair bit about the current state of Argentinian football right there.

Shit Lookalikes: Fabricio Coloccini & A Windswept Sheep

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By Chris Wright

Can't really argue with this one...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

WAG Watch: All Aboard The Love Boat With Lionel Messi & Antonella Roccuzzo (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Taken on the same afternoon in Ibiza that produced the Messi/Alves jet-ski 'incident', are these photos that seem to provide conclusive evidence that Leo is back together with his on/off WAG, Antonella Rocuzzo though, to be frank, that's all by the by.

Montreal Impact Unveil New Crest, Video Is A Little O.T.T

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By Chris Wright

Montreal Impact are all set to join the MLS in 2012 and, as such, the Canadian side have decided to spruce up and rejuvenate a few things around the place including the stadium and the club's crest, though we can't help but feel that their 'big reveal' viral is a little on the 'massively overblown' side.

The Benefit Of Glorious 20/20 Foresight: 19 Clairvoyant Predictions For 2011/12

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By Christopher Lee

As the start of the 2011/12 season draws ever nearer, anticipation among fans rises to a ‘peripherally aware, but infinitely more interested in the transfer window' stage and, as ever, there are a number of questions begging to be answered.

Caption This: Carlos Tevez Facepalms As He Leaves Man City Training

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By Chris Wright

Feel free to have a stab at captioning this photo of Carlos Tevez leaving after training with his beloved Man City teammates at Carrington this morning...

Pies says: "Wayne Bridge...Wayne...****ing...Bridge"

You say?

London Riots Force FA To Cancel England vs Holland Friendly

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By Chris Wright

As of a few minutes ago, the FA have announced the cancellation of England's friendly against Holland at Wembley tomorrow evening, due to the ongoing chav uprising that is sweeping through London the right call, we're sure you'll agree.

It remains to be seen whether or not the opening weekend of Premier League fixtures will be affected or not though, thankfully, international peace broker Wayne Rooney has stepped in to help politely quell the disturbances by then.

Omar Bravo Sent-Off For Nasty Lunge, Feigns Headbutt In Pissy Retaliation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sporting KC captain (yes, captain) Omar Bravo does his damnedest to splice Seattle Sounders defender Pat Noonan's ankle in twain with a flying two-footed stomp, sees red immediately, has the cheek to throw a wobbly at the decision and then, to cap off his pissy little charade, feigns a Noonan headbutt and then has the temerity to repeatedly tell the ref to watch the 'incident' on the big screen as he's forcibly ejected from the field of play.

Snapshot: Lionel Messi & Dani Alves Ride Off Into Sunset Together On Jet-Ski

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By Chris Wright

Posted without comment: Lionel Messi and Dani Alves sharing a 'moment' on a jet-ski in heaven Ibiza...

Image: Hola

Paris Saint-Germain Unveil €42m’s Worth Of Javier Pastore (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few snaps of PSG's new €42 million man, Javier Pastore (all shaven and shorn for the occasion), being unveiled by the nouveau riche French club from behind some kind of c-r-a-z-y tarpaulin yesterday after finally completing his colossal move from Palermo.

Paris Saint-Germain Unveil €42m’s Worth Of Javier Pastore (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few snaps of PSG's new €42 million man, Javier Pastore (all shaven and shorn for the occasion), being unveiled by the nouveau riche French club from behind some kind of c-r-a-z-y tarpaulin yesterday after finally completing his colossal move from Palermo.

First Photos: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Completes £12m Arsenal Move

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By Chris Wright

Still no new defenders on the horizon but, after months of umming and ahhing, Arsenal announced the signing of 17-year old Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain just before close of play last night, after agreeing to recompense Southampton to the tune of £12 million with a further £3 million's worth of add-ons also due once the winger's baby teeth fall out.

Tom Cleverley Sworn Into England Squad For Holland Friendly

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By Chris Wright

Seems like those 45 impressive minutes during the Community Shield yesterday were enough for Tom Cleverley to catch Fabio Capello's eye, as the Manchester United midfielder has been brought into the England squad to play Holland in a friendly at Wembley on Wednesday though it's worth pointing out that Jack Wilshere and Michael Carrick have both dropped out through injury to free up some space.

Tromso’s Mostafa Abdellaoue Lashes Home Unstoppable Over-The-Shoulder Scissor Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Kapow! A mere consolation goal (in a 2-1 defeat) it may have been, but Tromso forward Mostafa Abdellaoue's monstrous over-the-shoulder swipe against Viking was pretty impressive never-the-less...

Truth be told, Mo's effort could've gone absolutely anywhere so 'slapping in off the crossbar in the far corner' wasn't a bad little result all things considered.

Snapshot: Overcome With Joy, Carlos Tevez Returns To Man City

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By Chris Wright

Carlos Tevez, seen here brimming over with giddy delight at the prospect of joining the rest of his Man City teammates for training as he pulled into the carpark at Carrington about two hours ago (approx 10am, Manc time)...

Photos: PA

Robbie Savage Puts On All 72 Football League Shirts (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Robbie Savage takes up the 'nPower challenge' which, sadly, doesn't include seeing what electricity tastes like straight from the socket, but rather just putting on all 72 Football League home strips which isn't all that challenging when you think about it.

Snapshot: Romelu Lukaku Arrives In London For Chelsea Medical

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By Chris Wright

Fresh off the train at St Pancras, Romelu Lukaku arrives in London to cross the I's and dot the T's on his £20-ish million move from Anderlecht to Chelsea...


Photos: PA

Cristiano Ronaldo & Marcelo Argue Over ‘Bowling’ Game, Mourinho Settles It With Fancy Strut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Cristiano Ronaldo and Marcelo indulge in a spot of 'football bowling' from the dug-out in Shanghai, quibble over who's won, bring in Fabio Coentrao and Pepe to adjudicate, realise that they are useless and go over their heads to Papa Mou who promptly breaks out his high-faluting 'fancy walking' measuring techniques to settle the barney.

Barcelona Open ‘Masia-Centre De Formacio Oriol Tort’ – The New La Masia (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

About a week or so ago, Barca closed the doors to the famous 18th Century farmhouse in Les Corts (above) that had been serving as the dormitories for their youngsters since the late 1970′s for the very last time, and duly cut the ribbon at the shiny new, bells and whistles, glass-and-concrete La Masia building that has been built alongside the club's Joan Gamper Sports City training complex.

Six Scintillating Goals You May Have Missed Over The Weekend (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Six of the best goals from the weekend just past special mention goes to Blackpool's Gary Taylor-Fletcher who's winner against Hull on Friday would've been included if posting it weren't a sin punishable by death...

Mario Goetze, DORTMUND vs Hamburg

Skip to 0:33.

Snapshot: Man City Website Refuses To Admit Community Shield Defeat

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By Chris Wright

At about 5 o'clock yesterday afternoon, Man City's official website suddenly went all 'Ministry of Truth' on us...

Thanks to Pies fan Blake for the nudge.

Patrice Evra Sings A Little Song In Wembley Tunnel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Serious face, serious face, serious face, PATRICE EVRA WITH A SCARF AROUND HIS HEAD SINGING 'WEMBLEY' AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE, serious face, serious face...

Video: FATV

Community Shield: Man City 2-3 Man Utd – Slick Nani Brace Completes United Comeback (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

There we go. For what little it's actually worth, the 'first blood' bragging rights are United's as far as 2011/12 is concerned with a slickly-taken brace from Luis Nani ensuring United got their clammy hands on the Community Shield at Wembley earlier today.

Community Shield GIF: Nani’s Beautiful Opening Goal On Infinite Loop

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By Chris Wright

Nani's first goal from the Community Shield this afternoon...

Nicely done United, nicely done.

GIF: Tinypic

Real Madrid Take On 109 Guangzhou Schoolkids (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've seen these 'impossible matches' a couple of times before (Athletic Bilbao instantly spring to mind) so Real Madrid get nul points for originality, but seeing as though it was all for a good cause we'll let them off this once.

Madrid took on 109 local Guangzhou schoolkids and narrowly beat them 2-1, which doesn't say much for the senior side (Evergrande FC) who were soundly mauled 7-1 by the Spanish giants just a few days prior.

Man Utd 6-0 New York Cosmos: Paul Scholes Bows Out As United Spank King Eric’s Mob (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas Paul Scholes' testimonial last night, and the United leg-end was sent merrily on his way by a sold-out Old Trafford, though not before the he opened the scoring against the Eric Cantona-helmed New York Cosmos (who boasted Fabio Cannavaro, Patrick Vieira, Brad Friedel, Michel Salgado and Robbie Keane amongst their number) with a trademark peach from the edge of the area after only eight minutes.

Man Utd 6-0 New York Cosmos: Paul Scholes Bows Out As United Spank King Eric’s Mob (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas Paul Scholes' testimonial last night, and the United leg-end was sent merrily on his way by a sold-out Old Trafford, though not before the he opened the scoring against the Eric Cantona-helmed New York Cosmos (who boasted Fabio Cannavaro, Patrick Vieira, Brad Friedel, Michel Salgado and Robbie Keane amongst their number) with a trademark peach from the edge of the area after only eight minutes.

‘Lactose-Tolerant, Ingerlandish And Not That C**t Ashley’ – The Joe Cole Sales Brochure

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By Chris Wright

Like Michael Owen and Emmanuel Adebayor before him, Liverpool wastrel Joe Cole is now the subject of a glossy brochure produced by 'Pool fans desperate to get shot of a player who has contributed the sum total of zip to the cause and who perennially looks like he's coming off the back of a five-day Calpol and vodka binge.

‘Lactose-Tolerant, Ingerlandish And Not That C**t Ashley’ – The Joe Cole Sales Brochure

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By Chris Wright

Like Michael Owen and Emmanuel Adebayor before him, Liverpool wastrel Joe Cole is now the subject of a glossy brochure produced by 'Pool fans desperate to get shot of a player who has contributed the sum total of zip to the cause and who perennially looks like he's coming off the back of a five-day Calpol and vodka binge.

Half-Naked Larissa Riquelme Competes In Reggaeton Dance Contest (Video)

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By WAG Watcher

In which Paraguay's answer to a question nobody asked, Larissa Riquelme, strips down to the bare minimum and sets about shaking what her mamma gave her during some televised Reggaeton dance-off or other...

You know it must be jelly, 'cos jam don't shake like that!

Ronaldo’s 62 Brazil Goals In The Space Of Four Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Does exactly what it says on the tin: all 62 of El Fenomeno's goals for Brazil in the space of four short minutes...

It's the stuff that Friday afternoons were made for.

Snapshot: Cesc Fabregas No Like Arsenal? Or No Like Rain?

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By Chris Wright

The photo above lit a bit of a fire under Arsenal fans yesterday when, after the club held an open training session, several papers published it along with captions reading somewhere along the lines of 'Cesc is a mardy arse who hates Arsenal and obviously wishes he was fondling dolphins with Barcelona 4,500 miles away in Miami' the argument being that it was little more than a single, isolated snapshot of Fab merely looking glum while getting drenched to the bone in torrential rain rather than a glimpse into his very soul.

The BIG Question: Will We See English Champions League Winners This Season?

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Sit back and watch the best of the 2011/2012 Champions League group stage action live with Sky Sports HD.

Granted, it's a little premature seeing as though the full compliment of entrants is yet to be confirmed and the groups aren't actually going to be drawn out of FIFA's perspex fishbowls until the 25th August, but this is the last of our pre-season posers and we thought we'd go out with a bit of a whopper.

Chivas USA’s Michael Lahoud Flogs Tickets With Brilliant ‘Old Spice Guy’ Parody (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You're all familiar with the 'Old Spice guy' advert, right? Well here's Chivas USA's frankly brilliant parody in which stacked midfielder Michael Lahoud takes on the role of 'Chivas Guy' to help flog tickets...

'I'm on...a Jimmy Conrad' has just become our catchphrase of the day!

Santos Invite 70-Year Old Pele To Play In FIFA Club World Cup

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By Chris Wright

According to ESPN, Santos president Luis Alvaro de Oliveira has formally extended an invitation to sainted Peixe legend Pele to play for the Brazilian club at the FIFA Club World Cup in December.

Thankfully, Pies were on hand to capture the 70-year-old's response.

Doing The Splits: Fulham & Stoke Into Europa League Play-Offs With Second-Leg Wins (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Both Fulham and Stoke secured themselves a spot in the Europa League play-off stages with second-leg victories over RNK Split and Banana Hajduk Split respectively last night.

Coming into the game on the back of a goalless draw in Croatia, a near-post Andy Johnson header and the now-mandatory Danny Murphy penalty saw Fulham emerge victorious by two goals to nil at the Cottage and maintain their unbeaten run in the preliminary stages in the process.

Fulham & Stoke Into Europa League Play-Offs With Second-Leg Wins (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Both Fulham and Stoke secured themselves a spot in the Europa League play-off stages with second-leg victories over RNK Split and Banana Hajduk Split respectively last night.

Coming into the game on the back of a goalless draw in Croatia, a near-post Andy Johnson header and the now-mandatory Danny Murphy penalty saw Fulham emerge victorious by two goals to nil at the Cottage and maintain their unbeaten run in the preliminary stages in the process.

Fulham & Stoke Into Europa League Play-Offs With Second-Leg Wins (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Both Fulham and Stoke secured themselves a spot in the Europa League play-off stages with second-leg victories over RNK Split and Banana Hajduk Split respectively last night.

Coming into the game on the back of a goalless draw in Croatia, a near-post Andy Johnson header and the now-mandatory Danny Murphy penalty saw Fulham emerge victorious by two goals to nil at the Cottage and maintain their unbeaten run in the preliminary stages in the process.

Crystal Palace Lodge Three Bids For Bournemouth’s Danny Ings During Pre-Season Friendly…Against Bournemouth

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By Chris Wright

This thumb-sucking schmo here is Bournemouth striker Danny Ings, a young'n who's been piquing the interest of a sizeable clutch of the Football League's bigger names over the past year or so none more so than Crystal Palace, who lodged three separate bids for the 19-year old over the course of a 90-minute friendly at the weekend.

Wolves Photoshop Three Missing Players’ Heads Into 2011/12 Team Photo

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By Chris Wright

Wolves dropped a bit of a clanger yesterday by attempting to gloss over the fact that David Edwards, Christophe Berra and Adlene Guediora had all missed the club's pre-season photocall through illness and injury by merely grafting their heads onto the 2011/12 team photo over the mugs of three reserve teamers.

Overmars & Bergkamp Roll Back The Years At Van Der Sar Testimonial (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Edwin van der Sar's testimonial evening at the Amsterdam Arena last night was a three-pronged affair, with the festivities opening with a match between Ajax U13s and Manchester United U13s, with Poppa van der Sar's son Joe turning out for United.

Secondly, an Ajax '95 side took on Holland '98 with Marc Overmars scoring the only goal of the game for the Amsterdammers, and a bit of a beaut it was too.

Photo Evidence: Both Stuart Holden’s Legs Functioning Properly Again

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By Chris Wright

Now, a bit of good and bad news as far as Bolton fans are concerned.

First the good. Stuart Holden has just tweeted this photo of him filming the new line-up and headshot thingamajigs for Sky Sports next season and, as you can see, both of his legs appear to be working nicely in fact, the Yank midfielder even tentatively returned to light training on Monday (his 26th birthday, no less) after shattering his knee in a challenge with Jonny Evans over five months ago.

Man City Train At The Etihad Ahead Of Community Shield (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Just a mahoosive batch of photos of Manchester City training in front of their adoring public during an open session at the Etihad Stadium yesterday afternoon, in preperation for the absolute Manc-fest of a Community Shield coming up this Sunday...

Photos: PA

‘You And Your Paper Can F**k Off!’ – Sir Alex Gives Daily Mail Journo Bob Cass Both Barrels (Video)

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By Chris Wright

SAF: "What was that fucking quote in your newspaper the other day?"

Cass: "I can show you my copy I sent...you better believe that I can...I can show..."

SAF: "You and your paper can f**k off.

Retro Football: Willie Johnston’s Fantastically Nonchalant ‘Beer Swig’ Corner Kick, 1979 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Arise Sir Willie 'Bud' McClure Johnston, formerly of Rangers and West Brom, who, during the first of his one-season stints with the Vancouver Whitecaps and coming months after he'd been reprimanded for celebrating a goal by mooning the opposing team's bench, further etched his name in the annals of footballing folklore by swigging from a bottle of beer offered to him by a fan before whipping in a corner for his teammate to nod home.

Paul Scholes Turns Out For Stalybridge Celtic U12s ‘Dads vs Coaches’ Match

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By Chris Wright

From the Champions League final at Wembley to the Bower Fold Ground in three months...

After initially turning up without any kit, Paul Scholes was eventually persuaded by the crowd to borrow boots and shinpads from his 12-year-old son Aaron and turn out for Stalybridge Celtic U12′s annual 'Dads vs Coaches' fund-raiser last Sunday afternoon.

Snapshot: Mo Farah’s Arsenal-Flavoured Running Spikes

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at here at the brand new Arsenal-flavoured NikeiD 'Zoom Victory' spikes that spindly British long-distance runner and unabashed Gooner Mo Farah will be sporting at the London Grand Prix athletics meet at Crystal Palace this weekend y'know, because having shoes plastered with Arsenal badges can only be a good omen for winning things.

Rangers Dumped Out Of Champions League, Whittaker Dismissed For Hurling Ball At Opponent’s Head (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Rangers dive-bombed out of the Champions League at the first hurdle last night, drawing 1-1 against Malmo at the Swedbank Arena, thus failing to reverse the 1-0 home defeat inflicted upon them by the Swedes at Ibrox last week.

The ill-tempered affair saw Gers end the game with nine men after having both Steven Whittaker and Madjid Bougherra pick up straight reds for 'hoying the ball around willy-nilly' and 'planting elbows in craniums' respectively.

Barcelona 1-4 Chivas: Barca Humbled In Miami, Marco Fabian Scores Outrageous Brace (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After David Villa prodded them ahead in the fourth minute, Barcelona pootled along as per until Chivas midfielder Marco Fabian decided to put on a one-man exhibition of outrageous goalscoring on the hour mark to get the ball rolling with the staunchly Mexican side going on to squash the Spanish giants 4-1 (Giovanny Casillas bagged the other two) in Miami last night.

Barcelona 1-4 Chivas: Barca Humbled In Miami, Marco Fabian Scores Outrageous Brace (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

After David Villa prodded them ahead in the fourth minute, Barcelona pootled along as per until Chivas midfielder Marco Fabian decided to put on a one-man exhibition of outrageous goalscoring on the hour mark to get the ball rolling with the staunchly Mexican side going on to squash the Spanish giants 4-1 (Giovanny Casillas bagged the other two) in Miami last night.

RIP Naoki Matsuda – Japan 2002 World Cup Star Dies After Suffering Heart-Attack In Training

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By Chris Wright

Bit of terribly sad news to start the morning in that Naoki Matsuda, one of the stars of Japan's 2002 World Cup run and a veteran of 40 international caps, has died today after suffering a heart-attack and collapsing just 15 minutes into a training session with his club, Matsumoto Yamaga, two days ago.

RIP Naoki Matsuda – Japan 2002 World Cup Star Dies After Suffering Heart-Attack In Training

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By Chris Wright

Bit of terribly sad news to start the morning in that Naoki Matsuda, one of the stars of Japan's 2002 World Cup run and a veteran of 40 international caps, has died today after suffering a heart-attack and collapsing just 15 minutes into a training session with his club, Matsumoto Yamaga, two days ago.

Iceland U17 Women’s No.1 Gives Masterclass In Horrible Goalkeeping vs Spain (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Her name is Arna Lind Kristinsdottir and apparently she is the best female goalkeeper under the age of 17 in the whole of Iceland...

No surprises, Iceland were pummeled 4-0.

Perhaps we're expecting too much in the way of keeping nous from the Icelandic U17 women's side, but surely a basic grasp of 'just getting in the way' should be mandatory at international level?

AC Milan Train In Beijing Ahead Of Italian Super Cup (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few snaps of AC Milan training at the Olympic Sports Centre in Beijing ahead of their Italian Super Cup match against AC Milan in the Chinese capital on Saturday.

Alessandro Nesta's face, last photo that's all we're saying...

After having the audacity to hassle a crabby Ibra straight off the plane, everyone in this photo woke up the next day in the trauma ward at Beijing Hospital

Unbeknownst to him, Robinho is injected with a tracking device by the Chinese military

"Right lads, we're going to start with a few little mincing bunny hops"

Clarence Seedorf can't quite decide if he's just seen Jesus Quintana from the Big Lebowski charge past him or not

"Robby, Man City are on the phone.

Snapshot: King Kenny Shows Off Liverpool’s Fresh Meat (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have been busying hosting a media day at Melwood today and the club took the chance to round up the fruits of their summer wranglings Jordan Henderson, Charlie Adam, Doni and Stewart Downing for a few snaps outside with Dr King Kenneth.

This 'ere is what the lion's share of £50 million gets you these days.

Horror Hair: Mustafa Amini And His Dense, Ginger Afro

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By Chris Wright

Aussie Mustafa Amini is making waves at the U20 World Cup in Colombia, and not because he's particularly tasty with the ball at his feet in fact, the locals have even dubbed him 'Young Valderrama' thanks to the mountain of copper wire wool that sprouts from the top of his noggin.

Siam Navy Keeper Administers Brutal Kick To Grounded Opponent’s Nipple (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Action from the Thai Premier League now, in which Siam Navy 'keeper Chinnakorn Deesai takes umbrage at Chiangrai striker Edvaldo obstructing his path (after being buffeted to the ground by a Siam defender) and promptly kicks the Brazilian...very hard.

The Black-And-White Years: 15 Glorious Football Photos From The Archives

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By Chris Wright

Nothing more, nothing less just ten brilliant photos pulled from the PA's bulging goldmine/archive at random...

Graffitied on a Manchester wall; the Tottenham Hotspur line-up, 1968

Chelsea captain Ron 'Chopper' Harris leads his team out (followed by goalkeeper Peter 'The Cat' Bonetti) ahead of the Blues' FA Cup fourth-round replay against Preston North End, 1969

Manchester United's Denis Law is beaten to the ball in an airbourne duel with Rapid Vienna goalkeeper Fuchsbicher during the first-leg of the European Cup Quarter Final at Old Trafford, 1969

Accompanied in shot by Jimmy Greaves, Stanley Matthews quite literally hangs up his boots after making his final appearance for Stoke City at his star-studded testimonial game, 1965

The three recipients of the Golden Shoe Award for the 1982/83 season pose with a huge Adidas boot, from left: Steve Cammack (Div.

Danny Simpson Launches ‘Danny Boy’ iPhone App – Order Now To Avoid Disappointment!

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By Chris Wright

Presenting, what the world has been waiting for: Danny Simpson's all-new 'Danny Boy' app for the iPhone, the iPad and the iDon'tGiveAShit.

The Toon right-back has been tweeting teasers for his new game over the course of the past few weeks and last night uploaded a couple of gameplay screenshots to his account.

Diving B*stard: Luiz Adriano’s “I Fink I Been Hurted By A Badman’s Elbow” Face In Pretty Amazing (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Ow, ref...I fink I been hurted in ma face by de badman's pointy elbow!"

Via Dirty Tackle

Shit Lookalike: Owen Coyle & Alvin Stardust

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By Chris Wright

Apparently this is a bit of an oldie in pro Lookalike circles, but it'll still do-fer-us mainly because it's farkin' brilliant!

Stardust is of course the rhinestone-encrusted, mutton chop aficionado who, by simply wagging a bejewelled finger and telling children that they were 'out of their tiny minds!

Victor Valdes < Penalty-Taking Dolphin (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Victor Valdes may well of kept 17 clean sheets in La Liga last season but the Barcelona 'keeper found himself well and truly bested when Ecco found himself through one-on-one at Miami Seaquarium yesterday...

More footage of the Barca squad enjoying wet-times with the Miami dolphins.

Corinthians Employ Neymar & Kaka Lookalikes To Shill For Club Shop (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sly digs abound in Corinthians' new advert for their club shop, in which 'Kaka' (formerly of Sao Paulo) and Santos prodigy 'Neymar' make low-key visits to the store to pick up a few bits of Timao tat...

Shame Corinthians didn't snaffle Carlos Tevez the other week, as his official lookalike hasn't really had much work since 2003.

Worrying Thought: Mario Balotelli ‘Plotting Revenge’ For Man City Rotten Kipper Prank

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By Chris Wright

"I don't expect you to talk Mr Wright-Phillips, I expect you to die..."

According to the Metro of all people, Mario Balotelli is currently encamped deep within the confines of his underground lair, feverishly plotting revenge on his Man City teammates after they banded together and planted a bag of kippers behind the front seat of his Maserati before they all toddled off to the States for a fortnight-long pre-season tour.

Worrying Thought: Mario Balotelli ‘Plotting Revenge’ For Man City Rotten Kipper Prank

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By Chris Wright

"I don't expect you to talk Mr Wright-Phillips, I expect you to die..."

According to the Metro of all people, Mario Balotelli is currently encamped deep within the confines of his underground lair, feverishly plotting revenge on his Man City teammates after they banded together and planted a bag of kippers behind the front seat of his Maserati before they all toddled off to the States for a fortnight-long pre-season tour.

Supercoppa Snapshot: Chinese Inter Fans Surround Lone AC Milan Supporter, Forcibly Relieve Him Of His Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Inter Milan's pre-Italian Super Cup training session at the Worker's Stadium in Beijing, a lone AC Milan fan is quickly weeded out, surrounded and duly seperated from his shirt by a flock of Inter supporters...


All the while they were missing some truly scinitlating action down on the pitch.

The Black-And-White Years: 15 Retro-Riffic Photos Of Elton John At Watford

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By Chris Wright

For no other reason than 'Madman Across The Water' is currently on in the background at Pies Towers, here's a fifteen-strong gallery of former chairman and current 'Honorary Life President' Elton John flamboyantly going about his business at Watford down through the years.

Sky Sports’ All-Star 5-A-Side Team Take On Kasabian In Slick New Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in order to hype their upcoming Premier League coverage, most of Sky Sports' flappy-faced pundits (including Graeme Souness, Butch 'stay on your feet' Wilkins, 'Triffic Redknapp Jnr, Red Nev and 'Michelle' Salgado) band together to take on all comers at a 5-a-side tournament, including Kasabian a beat combo popular on the Hit Parade.

Spain See Off Czech Republic To Win European U19 Championship (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, Spain are current World Champions, European Champions, U21 European Champions and, as of last night, U19 European Champions to boot with La Roja eventually seeing off their Czech counterparts, winning 3-2 after extra-time (Valencia's Paco Alcacer stroked home the winner in the 115th minute) in Romania yesterday evening to claim the title for the fifth time.

Snapshot: Shakira Loves Us!

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By Chris Wright

'Descalzos' is Spanish for 'I want your babies', right?

Photo: PA

Spain See Off Czech Republic To Win European U19 Championship (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, Spain are current World Champions, European Champions, U21 European Champions and, as of last night, U19 European Champions to boot with La Roja eventually seeing off their Czech counterparts, winning 3-2 after extra-time (Valencia's Paco Alcacer stroked home the winner in the 115th minute) in Romania yesterday evening to claim the title for the fifth time.

Chelsea’s House Band: Drogba, Malouda, Ferreira & Cech Perform Beatles Classic Live At Hotel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Chelsea's resident in-house Beatles tribute band a fab foursome consisting of Messrs Drogba, Malouda, Ferreira and Cech perform 'Let It Be' live (with a little, alright, a lot of help from their friends) in the restaurant of their hotel during the club's pre-season tour of Asia.

Joey Barton To Be Released On Free Transfer Over Twitter Farrago – Mike Ashley Drops A Bollock Once Again

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By Chris Wright

Coming about a week after Jose Enrique accused owner Mike Ashley and managing director Derek Llambias of a lack of balls and lying about a new contract offer, Joey Barton was tweeted his way into a transfer-listing at Newcastle.

More accurately, Barton has been made available on a free transfer, with the Toon board simply running out of patience with his incessant need to tweet every single gripe he has with the club's hierarchy over a summer of botched transfers and contract re-negotiations.

Afternoon Delight: Eight More Sumptuous Goals From Around The World (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Yet another handy cut-out-and-keep round-up, this time featuring eight (technically, it's more like 'nine and a half') more fine-ass goals from around the world...

1. Tommy Oar AUSTRALIA vs Ecuador, U20 World Cup

Bonza.

Marseille’s 2011/12 European Kit Is A Little On The ‘May Cause Temporary Loss Of Vision’ Side

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: Olympique de Marseille's brash new European kit for 2011/12 'the future's bright' and all that jazz...

Apparently, L'OM's new retina-searing togs are orange (to the Nth degree) as a nod back to the inside of the bomber jackets that their fans used to display in the '80s as a sign of their collective 'rejection of intolerance' which is a worthy sentiment, even if my eyes are still refusing to un-cross themselves.

Inter Milan 0-3 Man City: City Bag Themselves The Dublin Super Cup! (w/ Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"We cool?"

Three unanswered goals from Mario Balotelli, Edin Dzeko (David Silva's assist was a beautiful, beautiful thing) and Adam Johnson saw Man City soundly beat Inter Milan at the Aviva Stadium last night to win the Dublin Super Cup whatever that may be.

Unfortunate Snapshot: Ronaldo Getting ‘Hungary’ Halfway Through 2014 World Cup Draw

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By Chris Wright

God bless him but this snap of Ronaldo, taken at the recent 2014 World Cup preliminary draw in Rio, can only really be described as 'unfortunate' for obvious reasons...

Fnarf fnarf.

Image: Getty

Snapshot: Guillaume Hoarau And The Phantom Appendage

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By Chris Wright

Saw this, thought of Pies...

Photo: PA

Kevin Kuranyi Skies Open-Goal Sitter With Consummate Ease (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Given that Dynamo Moscow almost definitely signed Kevin Kuranyi as a 'striker' last summer, we reckon that the Russians probably now have decent grounds to sue his worthless arse for flagrantly violating the Trades Description Act against Volga over the weekend.

Hope Solo Drives Pace Car At NASCAR Brickyard 400 (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Just a few shots of USWNT 'keeper Hope Solo and her short shorts, driving the pace car at the NASCAR Brickyard 400 race in Indianapolis on Sunday y'know, just 'cause...

Photos: PA

Peter Wisgerhof, Hang Your Head In Shame (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the 83rd-minute of FC Twente's Dutch Super Cup victory over Ajax yesterday, Peter Wisgerhof just...FAILS, for want of a better word...

Twente's captain there, leading by example. Pathetic.

The worst since Gilardino?

Arsenal Pipped By New York Red Bull In Emirates Cup, Booed Off The Pitch (w/ Highlights)

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By Chris Wright


After fluffing a two-goal lead to draw 2-2 with Boca Juniors on Saturday, an 84th-minute Kyle Bartley (who's wikipedia photo is hilarious, by the way) own-goal on Sunday afternoon cancelled out RVP's opener and saw New York Red Bulls snatch a 1-1 draw and the Emirates Cup itself i.