Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

Unashamedly Sexist Top 10 Hottest Players At Women’s World Cup

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By WAG Watcher

In no particular order, Pies brings you a comprehensive run-down of the ten hottest ball-playing fillies present at the ongoing Women's World Cup in Denmark...

(Warning: contains a little bit of NSFW nudity)

1. Laure Boulleau, France

Ooh la la.

Shakhtar’s Dentinho Attempts ‘Scorpion’ Pass, FAILS Spectacularly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Take note children: Unless you happen to go by the name of Rene Higuita, 'scorpion' passes are the kind of frivolous, show-boaty nonsense that you've simply got to get 100% right lest you run the distinct risk of ending up looking like a complete and utter gimmer.

David Haye Stars In Teaser For New England Away Kit, Will Unveil It Before Klitschko Fight (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Umbro have released this teaser video which sees heavyweight pugilist David Haye sparring in the new, navy blue England away kit a welcome departure from a succession of dull red strips...

According to the blurb, the new Umbro England away kit will be officially unveiled by Haye before his world heavyweight unification fight with Wladimir Klitschko on Saturday evening which, we reckon, means that he's going to walk out to the ring in it.

Fluffed Chance At Women’s World Cup Gives Equatorial Guinea Fan Nervous Breakdown (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which an Equatorial Guinea fan takes a spurned chance just a smidge too personally...

Later in the game, he found a cigarette butt in his Fanta and attempted to hang himself from the roof of the stadium.

To be fair to the lad, it was an absolutely shockingly woeful miss.

Snapshot: ‘Sir Doctor Alex Ferguson’ Receives Honorary Degree From Stirling University, Suffers Slight Wardrobe Malfunction

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By Chris Wright

After a particularly 'beige' round of golf, Sralex stopped by Stirling University yesterday afternoon to pick up his honorary degree in 'recognition of his outstanding contribution to sport'.

All in a day's work... Â

"Just call me Doctor Alex Ferguson.

10 Exciting Players To Watch Out For At The Copa America

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By Chris Wright

The Copa America begins in earnest tomorrow so, to mark the occasion, Pies have cobbled together a list of ten of the most exciting talents to keep your peepers on throughout the tournament...

1. Neymar, Brazil

Let's get the obvious one out of the way up top shall we?

Fulham Train Ahead Of Europa League Tie With Faroe Island Part-Timers NSI Runavik (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As wrong, wrong, wrong as it sounds, Fulham's 2011/12 season begins later tonight with a Europa League qualifier against Faroe Island part-timers NSI Runavik who have five of their first-string away on holiday at the moment and who's XI tonight will consist of a teacher, a mortician and a trainee telephone salesman amongst others.

Fulham Train Ahead Of Europa League Tie With Faroe Island Part-Timers NSI Runavik (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

As wrong, wrong, wrong as it sounds, Fulham's 2011/12 season begins later tonight with a Europa League qualifier against Faroe Island part-timers NSI Runavik who have five of their first-string away on holiday at the moment and who's XI tonight will consist of a teacher, a mortician and a trainee telephone salesman amongst others.

Snapshot: Rio Ferdinand Carries Signed ‘Postcards’ Of Himself At All Times, Hands Them Out To Poor And Needy

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By Chris Wright

@RioFerdy5 is in Indonesia at the moment and, upon spotting a plum-tuckered soul asleep on the floor at Jakarta airport, decided to lend the poor guy a helping hand by dispensing one of the many signed postcards of himself (in trademark 'merk' pose) that we can only assume he carries around with him at all times y'know, in case of an emergency.

Snapshot: Rio Ferdinand Carries Signed ‘Postcards’ Of Himself At All Times, Hands Them Out To Poor And Needy

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By Chris Wright

@RioFerdy5 is in Indonesia at the moment and, upon spotting a plum-tuckered soul asleep on the floor at Jakarta airport, decided to lend the poor guy a helping hand by dispensing one of the many signed postcards of himself (in trademark 'merk' pose) that we can only assume he carries around with him at all times y'know, in case of an emergency.

Things You’ll Never Un-See: Martin Skrtel Forcibly Stripped To His Shreddies During Slovakian Charity Game

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By Chris Wright

One for the 'shaven, heavily-tattooed gibbon' fetishists now lord alone knows they're criminally under-catered for with a snapshot taken from a charity game in Slovakia in which dancer/choreographer Jan Durovcik snuck in and stripped Martin Skrtel down to his undercrackers in the name of entertainment.

Cameraman Attacks Cameraman After Gold Cup Final (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things are always a little tense when the US play Mexico, and Saturday's Gold Cup final was no different although the hostility was saved for after the final whistle, as two cameramen jostled for the best shot of Gio Dos Santos flitting around with the trophy.

New Arsenal 125th Anniversary 2011/12 Away Kit Launched (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Pies may have bought you the launch video yesterday, but we've now come into possession of a large brown e-envelope stuffed with rather swanky photos of the new, navy and turquoise Arsenal away kit for 2011/12 being displayed in Nike's new-fangled 'Twilight Zone' dressing room.

Call Him ‘The Group One’ – Andre Villas-Boas Officially Unveiled By Chelsea (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea have officially unveiled Andre Villas-Boas as their new manager at Stamford Bridge this morning with the poor sod having to face the English press for the first time in his new capacity and, as you'll be fairly unsurprised to know, it didn't take long until questions about a certain fellow Portuguese dreamboat began to fart forth.

David De Gea Completes £17m Man Utd Move – United Have A New No.1!

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By Chris Wright

It's official people Manchester United have a new No. 1.

Four days after being crowned European U21 Champions with Spain, David De Gea has signed a five-year deal at United moving to Old Trafford from Atletico Madrid for somewhere around £17 million, a fee which pushes Sir Alex's summer spending beyond the £50 million mark.

Snapshot: Lucas Leiva, Part-Time Cattle Rancher

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By Chris Wright

With less hoof than the Stoke City 2010/11 Season Review DVD, Liverpool midfielder Lucas Leiva enjoys a spot of off-season cattle ranching...

Image via Spinney (thanks to Pies fan Ruby for the nudge, apologies to Potters fans for the cheap dig you know we love you really)

Nike Viral Sees Brazil Stars Receive Swanky Copa America Clobber (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a clutch of Brazil's leading lights including Robinho, Pato, David Luiz, Neymar, Ganso and Maicon are presented with tea-chests full of swanky new Nike clobber in time for the upcoming Copa America...

We're still loving that ravishing special edition 'black-out' jersey that we featured on Pies a few months ago.

North Korea Women Blame USA Defeat On Getting Struck By Lightning

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By Chris Wright

Artist's representation

Most interested parties suggested that, after putting in a disciplined shift for the majority of the game, North Korea Women eventually lost out to the USA yesterday due to their telling lack of experience -Â they have the youngest squad at the World Cup, with an average age of just 20 though not NK's coach, who chose to pillory an altogether more 'atmospheric' scapegoat.

Eight Mexico Players Caught With Prostitutes, Robbed, Suspended For Six Months (With CCTV Video)

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By Chris Wright

"I'm sowwy"

Before a ball has been kicked in anger, eight members of Mexico's young Copa America squad have been charged with 'indiscipline' and suspended by the Mexican Football Federation for six months after being caught partying with four prozzies in their hotel rooms in Ecuador.

Andre Villas-Boas ‘Video Bombed’ By Jose Mourinho (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In case you were wondering when all this 'David Luiz/Didier Drogba videobombing' (as opposed to 'photobombing' believe me, you need to click that link!) malarky began at Chelsea it appears that it was none other than the Special One himself who gave rise to the phenomenom back in 2005.

North Korea Women Blame USA Defeat On Getting Struck By Lightning

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By Chris Wright

Artist's representation

Most interested parties suggested that, after putting in a disciplined shift for the majority of the game, North Korea Women eventually lost out to the USA yesterday due to their telling lack of experience -Â they have the youngest squad at the World Cup, with an average age of just 20 though not NK's coach, who chose to pillory an altogether more 'atmospheric' scapegoat.

Shit Merchandise: Fulham Flog God-Awful ‘Michael Jackson & Al Fayed’ T-Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Yours for just £16.99 (plus P&P), this handsome 'Michael & The Chairman' t-shirt available now from the official Fulham club store...

Also available in white...

Christ on a bike.

Sunderland Agree £9m Fee For Wunderkind Connor Wickham, Beat Liverpool To The Punch?

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By Chris Wright

It's hardly the world's closest-guarded secret that Sunderland are in the market for a striker or two this summer and it looks like the Black Cats are about to get the ball rolling with the £9 million capture of 18-year old Ipswich prodigy Connor Wickham yes, he of that goal against Sheffield United.

Caption This: Andy Carroll Dressed To Kill At Glastonbury

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By Chris Wright

Pies says...

"Heart-broken to find that Boyzone weren't on this year's bill, Andy lost his mind completely and began introducing himself to festival-goers as an 85-year old woman named Hilda"

You say?

Djibril Cisse Bids Panathinaikos Farewell In Greek Nightclub, Cries As Crowd Chant His Name (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With his agents currently busy crossing the I's and dotting the T's over a move to Lazio, Djibril Cisse bidded?, biddeded?, bade Panathinaikos farewell said goodbye to Panathinaikos in customary fashion by getting on the mike at a local nightclub and telling everybody present that he'll love them forever and ever, before welling up as the crowd erupted into chants of 'Djibril Cisse!

Kerstin Garefrekes Misses Absolute Nailed-On, Open-Goal Sitter (Video)

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By Chris Wright

More action from the Womens' World Cup now, in which Frankfurt forward Kerstin Garefrekes shonks a nailed-on sitter up, up and over das crossbar during Germany's opening group tie victory over Canada...

Das...war complete and utter scheiße.

Arsenal Launch New Away Strip – Arshavin Thinks It Looks Like ‘Jockey Clothes’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What? No Cesc?

"Arsenal: Explosive up until the six-yard box"

Presenting Arsenal's brand new, impeccably smart away strip for 2011/12 a kit described by Andrey Arshavin as looking like 'jockey clothes' (to be fair to the wee meerkat, I see what he's saying) during one of his brilliantly deadpan Q&A sessions on his personal website.

The Black-And-White Years: Man City Legend Mike Doyle Almost Comes To Blows With United’s Brian Kidd, 1970

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By Chris Wright

Doyle is forcibly separated from a worried-looking Brian Kidd by City teammate Tony Book during the Manchester derby at Old Trafford in 1970

Today's 'Black-and-White Years' marks the sad passing of a tough-tackling, utterly uncompromising, staunchly anti-United Man City icon, Mike Doyle who died last night at the age of 64 after losing his battle against liver failure.

The Black-And-White Years: Man City Legend Mike Doyle Almost Comes To Blows With United’s Brian Kidd, 1970

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By Chris Wright

Doyle is forcibly separated from a worried-looking Brian Kidd by City teammate Tony Book during the Manchester derby at Old Trafford in 1970

Today's 'Black-and-White Years' marks the sad passing of a tough-tackling, utterly uncompromising, staunchly anti-United Man City icon, Mike Doyle who died last night at the age of 64 after losing his battle against liver failure.

Top 15 Photos: England Women 1-1 Mexico Women – Monica Ocampo Pings Equaliser In From Diiiiistance (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

England Women got their World Cup campaign underway with a slightly disappointing 1-1 draw against Mexico in Wolfsburg yesterday afternoon going ahead through Fara Williams' looping 21st-minute header before being pegged back just 13 minutes on down the line thanks to a bit of a special effort from Monica Ocampo.

Snapshot: Barack Obama Honours MLS Champions Colorado Rapids At White House (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Colorado Rapids got tanked 4-1 on Sunday evening by Colombus Crew but any hangover caused by the heavy defeat was quickly Alka-Seltzer'ed the following day as the newly-crowned MLS champions were presented with their title by President Barack Obama at the White House no less.

New Aston Villa 2011/12 Away Kit Launched – Ruined By Naff Chinese Letters? (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa have released and launched their new away kit for 2011/12, and it's almost guaranteed to divide opinion right down the middle as a) checkerboard is always a tough one to pull off well and, b) those Chinese characters look like the kind of tattoo people have done on their gap years after being told it means 'spirit of love' or some such nonsense only to later discover it actually means 'Coca Cola' or 'Prawn Dim Sum' etc, etc.

Leopold Cisneros Has Awesome Name, Scores Awesome ‘Rabona’ Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Cruz del Sur's Leopold Cisneros goes for broke against San Jorge in Argentina's fourth tier with a delightfully ostentatious rabona chip from the edge of the area ...

There aren't nearly enough 'Leopolds' in the world anymore.

Snapshot: Wayne Rooney Lurks Behind Beyonce At Glastonbury

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By Chris Wright

To be frank, I couldn't bear to watch Tina Turner drag act Beyonce yodel her way through her set at Glastonbury yesterday evening, so if anyone has any information as to why Wayne Rooney's giant fuzzy red noggin showed up on the big screens behind her then please, do tell.

Snaphot: Despair Over River Plate’s First-Ever Relegation Captured In Face Of Innocent Child (With Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've managed to get our hands on a few photos from the second-leg of the play-off between River Plate and Belgrano yesterday, a game to determine which side would be relegated to the second tier of Argentinian football.

With Belgrano 2-0 up from the first-leg, Sunday's 1-1 draw meant that fallen giants River were demoted from the Primera Division for the first time in their illustrious 110-year history a result which, perhaps inevitably, led to widespread disturbances and at least 68 people being injured, 50 being arrested and 15 vehicles destroyed in and around the El Monumental stadium after the final whistle.

Carlos Tevez Fingered In Greek Betting Scam, Denies All Knowledge

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By Chris Wright


"HIYAAA!!"

First off, sincere apologies for any mental distress that the wording of that headline may have caused you. Just try and un-think the bad thoughts.

Any road up, a Greek court is examining evidence that City's Europa League clash with Aris Salonika back in February was the target of a betting scam, and that young Carlos Tevez was allegedly approached by an Aris player to help pull the whole farago off.

Snapshot: Spain Win Euro U21 Championship, Thiago Alcantara Scores From 45 Yards (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the senior side already hogging both European and World bragging rights, Spain's wee nippers took the Euro U21 title with a 2-0 win over Switzerland yesterday courtesy of goals from Atletico Bilbao's Ander Herrera and an oppurtunistic 45-yard free-kick from Barcelona whippersnapper Thiago Alcantara (who, by all accounts, is the reason why Barca are never going to really need Cesc Fabregas).

Jan Leckjak Suffers Sickening Broken Arm During Euro U21 Third-Place Play-Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pretty sure it's not supposed to bend that way Jan (warning: not for the squeamish)...

Yeesh. The sudden emergence of a third elbow is rarely a good thing.

Video: 101GG

Jan Leckjak Suffers Sickening Broken Arm During Euro U21 Third-Place Play-Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pretty sure it's not supposed to bend that way Jan (warning: not for the squeamish)...

Yeesh. The sudden emergence of a third elbow is rarely a good thing.

Video: 101GG

Snapshot: Mexico Win Gold Cup – Chicharito Crowned MVP, Gio Dos Santos Scores Absolute Pearler (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

Mexico were crowned Gold Cup champions for the sixth time yesterday after coming from behind (El Tri were two down after 20-odd minutes) to beat the USA 4-2 at the Rose Bowl, a victory capped by a stupendous lobbed effort from Tottenham's forgotten man Gio Dos Santos.

Snapshot: Joey Barton Really Did Meet Morrissey At Glastonbury

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By Chris Wright

Things we never thought would actually happen in a month of Sunday's Vol #1: The newly re-jigged Joey Barton 2.0 hipster edition (complete with Beastie Boys skin) actually met Morrissey at Glastonbury yesterday by personal request of the former Smiths frontman.

Peter Crouch Unveils Body-Popping ‘Robot Mk II’ In Amusing New CCTV Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Peter Crouch is caught running through his new goal celebration on 'CCTV' in this viral ad for Puma (at least we assume it's for Puma)...

Crouchy appears to be a rare thing, i.e, a professional footballer with a modicum of charisma and humour that you could probably tolerate to be around for more than a few minutes unless, of course, he's after his nachos.

Seattle Sounders’ Roger Levesque Punishes Horrendous Goalkeeping Error, Celebrates With ‘Scuba Diving’ Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Seattle Sounders' striker Roger Levesque (who sounds like the dashing star of many-a Jackie Collins novel) takes advantage of New York Red Bulls 'keeper Greg Sutton's rubbishicity to roll the ball home, then caps the 'gimme' goal by plunging into the briny deep from the advertising hoardings.

Player Red-Carded For Penis Piercing Gives Post-Match Reaction (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may be interested to know that Aaron Ecclestone, i.e, the poor soul who was shown a red card during an Australian amateur game for the crime of having a metal stud through his jiblets, has finally broken his silence over the incident.

Macclesfield-born Ecclestone and the rest of Old Hill Wanderers gathered to form a 'kangaroo court' over a few beers (it sounds like everyone is at least a few laaaahgers in) after the game, as the post-match blame game was played out in the local boozer.

Shit Lookalikes: Franck Ribery & Salvatore From ‘The Name Of The Rose’

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By Chris Wright

Ribery is everybody's fave scar-riddled, jailbait-boinking winger

Salvatore is the hunch-back monk (played by Hellboy himself, Ron Pearlman) from monastic murder mystery 'The Name Of The Rose'

Again, ridiculously harsh, yet completely spot-on in equal measure.

Djurgarden Centre-Back Joona Toivio Scores Incredible ‘Overhead Volley’ vs Orebro (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Djurgarden defender Joona Toivio scores what must surely be the best goal of his career to date with an impeccably taken overhead-hooked-scissory-volley-type effort to level the scores against Orebro...

Not bad for a centre-half, eh?

Snapshot: Bobby Robson’s Ghost Spotted At Wimbledon 2011?

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By Chris Wright

Feel free to correct me if you know otherwise, but didn't dear old Bobby pass in July of 2009? Bit of a cock-up from the Daily Telegraph's editorial team...

The daft buggers.

Via @AndrewBloch

Ashley Young’s First Interview As Man Utd Player – ‘Great Opportunity, 20th Title, Yadda Yadda Yadda’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which pea-headed wing weakling Ashley Young gives his first interview as a Manchester United player after signing on a five-year deal last night.

Interesting that Ash says he's going to miss the Villa manager, especially the current one has only been there for a couple of days.

Brazil U17s Substitute Almost Forgets Shorts, Gives Linesman ‘Cracking’ View (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Brazil U17s substitute Nathan is so het-up about entering the fray against Australia that he almost forgets a fairly essential item of kit...

Lovely stuff.

Video: 101GG

Leeds United Ban 63-Year-Old, Pitch-Invading Great-Grandmother For Twelve Months

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By Chris Wright

Leeds United have today banned a 63-year old great-grandmother from attending matches at Elland Road for twelve months after she took to the pitch following the club's final game of the season against Burnley in May.

Video? This way.

At the time, Margaret Musgrove (grandmother of 13 sprogs, great-grandmother of three) was handed an automatic ban and had her season ticket seized after stewards hauled 5'4″ pensioner off the pitch and into the stadium's holding cells later releasing her without charge.

Arsenal Reject £27m Cesc Fabregas Bid From ‘You Know Who’

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By Chris Wright

And so, the spinning wheel spins and the dance begins again.

The Daily Telegraph (along with several other national newspapers) are reporting this morning that Arsenal have knocked back a £27 million bid from...yes, you guessed it...

Birmingham Unveil Chris Hughton, Fulham Show Off Martin Jol (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Two-fer-one, Chris Hughton being unveiled as the new Brum boss and Big Poppa Jol being rolled out by Fulham at the Cottage just so it's all nice, tight and official like...

Photos: PA

25 Excellent Archive Photos Of Young Zinedine Zidane – Happy Birthday Zizou!

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By Chris Wright

For no other reason other than today being his 39th birthday, we've trawled the archives and fished out ten of the best photos of the young (and not-so-young) Zizou for you to give the once-over...

The 10-year old (and captain) Zidane poses with his first club, local side US Saint-Henri de Marseille, approx.

Canada ‘Keeper Scores Late Equaliser Against England U17s With Outrageous Fluke (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with England U17s 2-1 up and with the clock ticking over into the final few minutes, Canada equalise at the death through an unlikely source a long-range freekick from stand-in 'keeper Quillan Roberts, who was only playing after first-choice stopper Maxime Crepeau picked up an injury against Uruguay in the previous game.

Amateur Australian Player Sent-Off For Refusing To Remove Genital Piercing (Video)

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By Chris Wright

An Aussie amateur playing in the VicSoccer Melbourne league earned himself a red card over the weekend for refusing to remove an 'intimate piercing' after it was spotted through his shorts by the referee good eye.

Aaron Eccleston, captain of the Old Hill Wanderers reserves, was clouted in the nads by a stray shot, only to be frog-marched into the changing rooms after the official noticed that the player had a metal stud through his old fella as he sprawled on the turf in agony.

Sam Allardyce Unveiled At West Ham, Definitely Doesn’t Have Have Herpes

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By Chris Wright

We must stress that 'TheBig_Sam' Twitter account is not, in any way, shape or form, affiliated with Sam Allardyce, i.e, the new gaffer at West Ham United that probably just split his lip whilst trying to eat a particularly large gateaux...

"Everywhere I've been I entertain the public, irrespective of the perception from the media that Sam Allardyce plays long ball.

Chicharito Scores With Crotch Against Honduras (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Get yer love spuds on it lad"...

Lovely technique. The 'Little Pea' using his little peas to nudge it over the line remember kids, they all count.

For t' record, with Mexico's 2-0 win over Honduras means that they will now play the USA in the final of the Gold Cup this Saturday after the Yanks beat Panama 1-0 in the other semi.

Copa Libertadores Final: Santos 2-1 Penarol – Neymar On Target, Ugly Scenes At Full-Time (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

After a dour, goalless first leg in Uruguay, a goal apiece from Neymar and Danilo was enough to bag Santos their first Copa Libertadores title since Pele was in the side last night with an own-goal providing Penarol with an 80th-minute consolation.

Ashley Young On Cusp Of Man Utd Move – Medical Passed, £15m Fee Agreed

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By Chris Wright


After spending last week away on his holibobs, Ashley Young is now on the very cusp of completing a move to Manchester United after reportedly passing a medical at Carrington yesterday.

The PA reckon that Young agreed personal terms with United a fortnight or so ago and will now seal the five-year deal after Aston Villa agreed a £15(ish) million fee with the Premier League champions over the weekend.

Roberto Carlos Taunted With Banana In Russia…Again (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's now just seven years until Russia host the World Cup and bananas are still being thrown at black players in their domestic leagues...

After refusing to rise to the bait after being issued with a banana by a racist Zenit supporter three months ago, it seems Carlos wasn't prepared to take the repeat offence quite so lightly substituting himself off in protest.

Retro Football: Young Ronaldinho Fluffs Goal-Line Sitter For Gremio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Nothing fancy, just one to forget for Senhor de Assis Moreira from back in his Gremio days...

Video: 101GG

Pudgy Chinese Pitch-Invader Fails To Run Down Referee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a rather corpulent young Dalian Shide (of the Chinese Super League) supporter waddles his way onto the pitch with designs on doing the referee an extreme physical discourtesy, only to be comfortably out-paced as the official jogs out of harm's way.

Snapshot: David Villa – Master In Sex Education

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By Chris Wright

Good grief David lad, that's a terrible t-shirt you've got on...

Perhaps Senor Villa should think about teaming his pink monstrosity with Peter Odemwingie's jeans and Mario Balotelli's 'Feathers McGraw' hat for a truly shit-tastic summer look?

ESPN SportsCentre Advertise Women’s World Cup By Mocking Football (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Taking the wee-wee out of the very sport that you're attempting to advertise? Perhaps not the smartest of campaigns from ESPN's SportsCentre team at least it's hil-a-rious...

Yeah John, get up.

‘Diet Mourinho Lite Mk II’ The Right Man At The Right Time For Chelsea?

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By Chris Wright

From Chelsea's official site:

"Andre was the outstanding candidate for the job. He is one of the most talented young managers in football today and has already achieved much in a relatively short space of time."

And with that, the deed was done.

BBC Radio 5 Live Put Together ‘Football Band’ – Malouda On Drums, Lalas On Guitar, Defoe On Triangle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which BBC Radio 5 Live set about piecing together a band of footballers past and present with the express aim of getting their song played on Radio One.

Why? We have absolutely no idea...

The band in full...

Florent Malouda on drums,
Neil Danns on vox and egg shaker,
Gareth 'Wild Thing' Ainsworth on lead vox,
Alexi Lalas on guitar,
Paul McVeigh on piano,
Dion Dublin playing his very own 'dube',
Nobby Solano on trumpet,
Jermaine Defoe and Michael Dawson on Early Learning Centre percussion.

Barcelona Eye-Up David Luiz Raid, Chelsea To Blow £90m On Stellar Quartet?

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By Chris Wright

David Luiz and best friend, Barney

Perhaps somewhat inevitable given that Chelsea suddenly became interesting again, but the gossip hounds of the land are having a field day this morning.

Take the Sun for example, who seem adamant that Barcelona are putting together a £27.

Snapshot: Stewart Downing ‘Liverpool’ Photo Immediately Exposed As Fake

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By Chris Wright

Why go to all that hassle to create a fairly meaningless shop-job of a Liverpool target holding a scarf aloft, then ruin it all by leaving 'Downing' with one too many fingers?

Forensic analysis says GTFO...

Pies would've thought the biggest give-away would be that Andy Carroll is in a bar and no-one is hand-cuffed to the sink in the corner with a toilet seat around their neck, blood all over their face and an empty jager-bomb glass shoved down their throat, but hey-ho.

Andre Villas-Boas Walks Out On Porto, Next Stop Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

Bit of an update to the rumblings we bought you this morning, with the news that Andre Villas-Boas has (very nearly) resigned from his post at Porto and is almost certain to take up the reigns at Chelsea before the week is out.

Porto have released the following statement:

"Porto were notified of the intention of Andre Villas-Boas to resign from his contract with the club by triggering the release clause (€15 million) immediately.

25 Years On From The ‘Hand Of God’ – Superb Archive Photos Of Diego Maradona At 1986 World Cup

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By Chris Wright

25 years on from Diego Maradona's flashing scintilla of divine intervention against England at the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, we've trawled through the archives and fished out some brilliant photos of the young(ish) 'Barrilete Cosmico' in his pomp...

Lionel Messi Attempts ‘Hand Of God’ vs Albania (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Argentina 3-0 up against Albania and with only ten minutes left on the clock, Lionel Messi's 'Maradona gene' went hayway again...

Regardless of whether wee Cheaty McCheaterson was attempting to put the ball in with his hands (he blatantly was), far more note-worthy is the preceeding 'clearance' which is quite possibly the worst attempt at line-clearing I've ever witnessed!

Gerard Pique & Shakira Visit Jerusalem’s Western Wall (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

In which Gerard Pique and his lovely missus touch down in the Holy Land in order to visit the Western Wall (the Grand Poobah of holy Jewish walls) in Old Jerusalem before buggering off to attend a conference on education for children at a summit organised by Israeli President Shimon Peres.

Snapshot: Entire FC Augsburg Match Captured In One Photograph

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere photo is the work of German snapper Peter Langehahn, who specialises in taking stills from his time lapse photography to produce one, single image of any given event in this case an FC Augsburg (who have just been promoted to the Bundesliga for the first time in their history) match.

Snapshot: Entire FC Augsburg Match Captured In One Photograph

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere photo is the work of German snapper Peter Langehahn, who specialises in taking stills from his time lapse photography to produce one, single image of any given event in this case an FC Augsburg (who have just been promoted to the Bundesliga for the first time in their history) match.

Thierry Henry Sent Off For Nearly Fracturing Opponents’ Skull With Monstrous Assault (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, like we've so many times before in his career, notorious thug Thierry Henry allows his inner street-brawler to surface again this time during New York Red Bulls' MLS tie with Portland Timbers over the weekend...

As you can (hopefully) see, we're just yanking your chain a little bit of a morning.

Andre Villas-Boas Poised For Chelsea Hotseat, Falcao Set To Follow?

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By Chris Wright

Word on Pies Street (and on 'National Newspaper Boulevard') is that Chelsea could have a new manager in place by the end of this week and that that man will be none other than Porto's international bright young thing Andre Villas-Boas.

New Tottenham Away Kit Is Lavender, Spoilt By Awful Sponsor (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

I think I suffered with 'Aurasma' until I was about five-years old...

(Photos: FKN)

As if the word 'Aurasma' wasn't gruesome enough, they've gone and written it in Postman Pat font just to put the icing on the dog turd.

Snapshot: Alex McLeish Unveiled By Aston Villa, Blames Wife For Jilting Birmingham Via E-Mail

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By Chris Wright

What seemed like a bad dream to most Villa fans is now a reality, and we have the photos to prove it...

Said Eck during the pre-photo presser:

"Let me prove myself and I will win you over. This is not a case of proving the fans wrong, I want to go forward with them and prove I am the man for this job.

Barcelona Pip Everybody To Alexis Sanchez, Udinese Accept £26m Offer

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By Chris Wright

The biggest news emanating from the transfer market this morning is that Chile have allowed Alexis Sanchez to leave their Copa America training camp in order to travel to Barcelona and rubber-stamp a transfer after Udinese accepted Barca's $45 million (approx £26.

Raheem Sterling Scores Cracker As England U17s Get World Cup Off To Winning Start (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Enjoying slightly better luck than their U21 counterparts, after hitting the woodwork nearly 150 times in the first-half, England's U17 tyros eventually got their World Cup campaign in Mexico off to a winning start with a 2-0 win over Rwanda thanks to a ballsy little dink from Everton's Hallan Hope and a bit of a corker from Liverpool prodigy Raheem Sterling.

Chinese Side Unveil Ridiculous ‘Fish Flop’ Set-Piece Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As things stand, we don't have any information about this clip other than it's been taken from a Chinese television station and may well feature two Chinese teams playing feel free to give us a nudge if you happen to know otherwise.

Anyway, apologies for the video quality up top (if you had a penny for every pixel, you'd be living in an alleyway somewhere), but you can just about make out one of the most utterly stupid/amazing set-piece routines ever devised through the digital fug.

Morrissey Personally Requests To Meet Joey Barton At Glastonbury – Yep, You Read That Correctly

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By Chris Wright

For some reason beknownst only unto himself, ex-Smiths frontman and 'friend of celery' Morrissey seems to have personally requested to meet Joey Barton at Glastonbury this year.

Barton tweeted that he had 'just received the best phone call of his life' and when quizzed whether the call had come from Real Madrid/the VD clinic etc, the Toon midfielder replied:

O.

Morrissey Personally Requests To Meet Joey Barton At Glastonbury – Yep, You Read That Correctly

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By Chris Wright

For some reason beknownst only unto himself, ex-Smiths frontman and 'friend of celery' Morrissey seems to have personally requested to meet Joey Barton at Glastonbury this year.

Barton tweeted that he had 'just received the best phone call of his life' and when quizzed whether the call had come from Real Madrid/the VD clinic etc, the Toon midfielder replied:

O.

England U21 1-2 Czech Rep U21 – Brace At The Death Sends England Packing (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

With England U21s needing a three-point haul from their final group game, it looked for all of 14 minutes like Danny Welbeck's header was going to be enough to see Psycho's youngsters through to the knock-out rounds of the U21 European Championships that was until the Czech Republic pulled their fingers out, scored in the 89th minute and again with the final kick of the game (Jan Chramosta and Tomas Pekhart, both substitutes) thus hoisting themselves back above England in the table and through to meet Switzerland in the semis on Wednesday.

Fabrice Muamba Poleaxes Jason Steele In England U21 Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: the finest thing Fab Muamba will ever do in an England shirt...

Video: FATV

England U21s Score Fine Team Goal In Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Psycho's young'ns have got to win their final U21 Euros group game against the Czech Republic on Sunday to progress through to the knock-out stages and, for what it's worth, things are looking rosy in training...

Pass and move, it's the England U21 groove that's Manchester United ragamuffin Tom Cleverly getting the final touch by the way.

36 Brilliant Photos Of Footballing Fathers

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By Chris Wright

It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy...

Wayne Rooney's young son Kai flunks an absolute sitter in front of the Stretford End

Michael Essien chats away with his Dad before a charity game in his native Ghana

Letter of the law:Â Bolton's Tamir Cohen sees yellow for taking off his shirt to reveal a picture of his late father, Avi, after scoring the winning goal against Arsenal back in April

The two Frank Lampards sit in the stands to watch Chelsea's Premier League tie with Wolves

US coach Bob Bradley attempts to calm son Michael after the States' 2-2 draw with Slovenia at the 2010 World Cup ended in controversy

Jack Rodwell signed his new deal with Everton last year with his father, Malcolm, by his side

Five-year old Lionel Messi (i'll let you guess which of these whippersnappers is actually Leo) and his father Jorge (on the right) pose with the rest of the Grandoli urchins, 1992

Two generations, one haircut between them: Jorge and Lionel (and Lionel's brother Matias), 14 years on

Kasper Schmeichel (then of Notts County) looks for a 'thumbs up' from dad, Peter

Juan Sebastian Veron receives the Copa Libertadores Best Player Trophy with father Juan Ramon (right) by his side, 2009

Michel and Aldo Platini stand either side of Alessendro Del Piero before a friendly between Nancy and Juventus, 2009

Sergio Aguero, his little sister and their father Leonel pose with Kun's U20 World Cup trophy haul, 2007

Diego Maradona rushes to greet his father, 'Don Diego', during an Argentina training session in Buenos Aires, 2009

Wensley Engelaar helps hold son Orlando's new shirt aloft during his official presentation at German side Schalke, 2008

The Beckham brood, Brooklyn and Romeo, watch on as father David celebrates Real Madrid's title win on the Bernabeu turf, 2007

Zinedine Zidane touches down at Algiers airport with mother Malika and father Smail in tow, 2006

Wim Bergkamp kicks off his son Dennis' testimonial game with Ajax at the new Emirates Stadium, 2006

Harry Kewell's young daughter Ruby unfurls a message for her Dad during Australia's second-round tie with Italy at the 2006 World Cup

Ronaldo is embraced by his father Nelio Nazario after a training session in Frankfurt shortly before the 2006 World Cup was due to start in earnest

Jordi Cruyff (then of Alaves) kisses his father Johan after receiving his UEFA Cup runners-up medal from UEFA President Lennart Johansson after the Spanish side were beaten by Liverpool, 2001

Gianfranco Zola's father watches his son train with the rest of the Chelsea side in preparation for the FA Cup Final, 1997

Bryan Robson's daughters Claire and Charlotte join their dad as he lifts the FA Cup (won by Manchester United the previous season) before his testimonial game against Celtic, 1990

Harry Redknapp gives son Jamie an ear-bashing from the touchlines during their time together at Southampton, 2005

Samuel Eto'o receives the African Footballer of the Year Award from his father before Barcelona's game against Real Mallorca, 2005

Shaun Wright-Phillips warms up alongside dad Ian Wright before Martin Keown's Arsenal testimonial at Highbury, 2004

Daniel Van Buyten (then of Standard Liege) larks around with his impossibly snazzy-looking father Francis, 1999

Cesare and Marisa Maldini welcome young Paolo into the world, 1968

The Maldini family, with a slightly older Paolo waving from the arm of the settee, 1973

Phil and father Neville Neville watch the rest of the England squad train for Le Tournoi, 1997

PFA Player of the Year Teddy Sheringham shows off the trophy to his old man, 2001

The-then Porto coach Jose Mourinho shakes hands with his father Felix, 2003

It's those crazy Redknapps again!

Luka Modric ‘Wants To Leave’ Tottenham For Chelsea, Claims Transfer Request Would Be ‘Disrepectful’

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By Chris Wright

Looks like Chelsea's efforts to flush out Luka Modric with a £22 million bid have worked, with the Croatian midfielder now admitting that he wants to leave Tottenham for Stamford Bridge, though Spurs have still have a thread to dangle by the wee man has promised not to hand in a formal transfer request.

New Tottenham Home Shirt Is VERY White…And Not An Awful Lot Else (Leaked Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Lord knows we like a simple shirt, but it looks like Puma are taking 'pared down' to the Nth degree if this really is the new Tottenham home shirt for 2011/12...

(Photos: FSC)

Now, Pies are official, card-carrying advocates of the 'less is more' approach to kit design, but even we have to admit that we preferred last season's 80s-infused Puma strip.

Kaka Plays American Football With Mickey Mouse (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Another day, another video of Kaka playing a bit of 'girly, rugby-with-shoulder pads Yankball' (as my Dad would have it) with 83-year old Disney stalwart Mickey Mouse...

There you go.

Video: 101GG

Pies Hero Steve Nash Pulls Off Impressive Freestyle Basket/Football Trickshot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

I don't really remember why Steve Nash is a Pies hero, other than the fact that he is what enlightened scholars tend to refer to as a 'massive dude'.

Any road up, here he showing us his favourite freestyle basketball/football hybrid trickshot in a (possibly CGI'ed?

Smokescreen! Penarol & Santos Emerge Before Copa Libertadores Final – Well, Sort Of… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the two sides involved, Penarol and Santos, emerge from the Estadio Centenario tunnel before the Copa Libertadores final first-leg or, at least, we assume that they're in there somewhere.

As you can see, it's fairly difficult to tell.

Samuel Eto’o Admits He Fancies A Crack At The Premier League, Top Six Prick Up Their Ears

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By Chris Wright

Unsurprisingly, Inter striker Samuel Eto'o's open admission that, after two years at the Giuseppe Meazza, he now fancies a stab at life in the Premier League has set many-a gossip hound's tongue a-wagging.

Have a gander at what Eto'o has been telling Il Corriere dello Sport:

"I am currently considering my options.

Huzzah! Aston Villa Finally Confirm Alex McLeish’s Appointment

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By Chris Wright

It's official! After what seemed like weeks of tedious umming and ahhing, Aston Villa fans have finally gotten their wish have confirmed that they have appointed former Birmingham manager Alex McLeish as their new boss just five days after he ditched Brum in a storm of controversy.

Premier League 2011/12 Fixtures Released – A Few Choice Dates For Your Diary

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By Chris Wright

The fixture schedule for next season's Premier League has been announced this morning at 9am on the dot and, as per usual, we're not actually allowed to post the calendar in full for piffling legal reasons.

Here are a few choice dates for you to jot down in your diaries.

Snapshot: Budweiser To Sponsor FA Cup, Three Years Of Beer

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By Chris Wright

The FA have announced that, as of next year and for the next three, US conglomerate gnat-wazz pedlars Budweiser will be sponsoring the FA Cup (taking over the ribbons from E-On) with the competition being officially repackaged as 'The FA Cup with Budweiser' to coincide thusly.

Club President Makes Complete Hash Of Fixing Spanish Third Division Play-Off Draw (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may or possibly may not be aware, the draw for the Spanish Tercera Division play-offs (for the right to play in the Spanish third tier, Segunda Division B) were made earlier this week.

Strangely, the president of one of the clubs involved, Pablo Cordoba of Alcobendas Sport, was entrusted to draw the balls for his side's half of the draw arriving at the plinth with a huge, sh*t-eating grin on his face only to be *apparently* told which ball to pull out of the goldfish bowl by the honcho in charge.

First Photos: Steve McClaren Officially Unveiled As Nott’m Forest Boss

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By Chris Wright

Under skies of clearest blue, Nottingham Forest have just this very morning officially unveiled Steve McClaren as their new manager and we've got the pictures to damn-well prove it...

"It schure is schuper to be here at the Schity Ground"

Photos: PA

Hundreds Of Aston Villa Fans Protest Against Alex McLeish’s Imminent Appointment (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things aren't looking too promising for Eck, despite the Beeb reporting that Villa are set to make the announcement that absolutely none of their fans are waiting to hear at some point later today...

In other related news, new Forest boss Steve McClaren has admitted that he had a job interview cancelled by Villa themselves after there was an 'adverse reaction from the fans' to his appointment quite what Randy Lerner and co.

Al Ittihad Fans Revolt After Egyptian Side Concede Injury Time Winner (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the Egyptian Premier League tie between Al Ittihad and Wadi Degla (both are flirting with relegation in the bottom four of the table) last night quickly descends into complete anarchy after Ittihad concede a goal at the death with score previously deadlocked at 1-1.

Snapshot: Joey Barton Is 100%, Grade ‘A’ Hipster Douchebag

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By Chris Wright

All his friends are dickheads too...

Joey Barton an angry little enigma, wrapped in mystery, shrouded in absurdity and then dressed by Topman.

Images: Jimmy Sinner

The 123 Players Released By Premier League Clubs This Summer Are…

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By Chris Wright

Just a list of the 123 players released by Premier League clubs this summer nothing more, nothing less.

In alphabetical order...

Arsenal; Thomas Cruise, Roarie Deacon, Mark Randall.

Nigel's chips are up at Villa Park

Aston Villa; Durrell Berry, John Carew, Ellis Deeney, Calum Flanagan, Harry Forrester, Arsenio Halfhuid, Isaiah Osbourne, Robert Pires, Nigel Reo-Coker, Moustapha Salifou

Birmingham; Marcus Bent, Lee Bowyer, Sebastian Larsson, James McFadden, Mitchell McPike, James O'Shea, Stuart Parnaby, Kevin Phillips, Daniel Preston, Luke Rowe, Robin Shroot, Maik Taylor.

Top 15 Photos: England U21 0-0 Ukraine U21 – England Falter Again

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By Chris Wright

A rather drab, 'hoofy' goalless draw with Ukraine last night left the England U21s needing a three-point haul (they also drew their first game with Spain, despite being dismally outplayed) from their final Group B game against the Czech Republic to progress through to the semis after Spain's impressive young charges beat the Czechs 2-0 in Wednesday evening's other tie.

Top 15 Photos: England U21 0-0 Ukraine U21 – England Falter Again

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By Chris Wright

A rather drab, 'hoofy' goalless draw with Ukraine last night left the England U21s needing a three-point haul (they also drew their first game with Spain, despite being dismally outplayed) from their final Group B game against the Czech Republic to progress through to the semis after Spain's impressive young charges beat the Czechs 2-0 in Wednesday evening's other tie.

Chelsea Test The Waters With £22m Opening Bid For Luka Modric

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By Chris Wright


According to Sky Sports News, Chelsea have submitted an opening bid of £22 million for Luka Modric this morning, presumably to test the waters and Tottenham's resolve to hold onto the wee scamp.

Sky reckon that Spurs rejected the offer out of hand, but that Chelsea are now preparing a further, larger offer and may keep doing so until their cross-city rivals eventually cave in, despite the top brass at White Hart Lane repeatedly stating over the course of the last few months that Modric is not for sale.

Liverpool Unveil New 2011/12 Third Strip – It’s White And Blue! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Adidas has just this very minute (quite literally!) released the first batch of photos of the new third strip that Liverpool will be wearing throughout the 2011/12 season and, as you have probably gathered, it's both white...and blue...

For what it's worth, we like it though the cyan blue trim is sure to raise more than a few eyebrows on Merseyside.

Joey Barton Perplexed As Newcastle Prepare To Sell Kevin Nolan To West Ham

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By Chris Wright

With the brow-furrowing news that Kevin Nolan is currently undergoing a medical ahead of a move to West Ham this afternoon, Newcastle cohort Joey Barton along with the majority of the watching world has reacted with a big fat hairy 'eh?', hinting at to the Twittersphere that there may well be a mini-exodus on the cards at St James' Park this summer.

Man City 2011/12 Home Kit Leaked – Collar Looks A Bit Cheap (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Guess what? We've nabbed a leaked photo of what is hotly tipped to be Man City's home shirt as of next season and, from the evidence on show, it seems to be an ever-so-slightly darker shade of blue than last year's affair...

(Image: FSC)

Hmmm, the jury's still out here.

Sunderland Quash ‘Embarrassing’ Rumours That Asamoah Gyan Was Being Flogged Via E-Mail

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By Chris Wright

When I first read the rumours this morning that Sunderland had circulated an email around the Premier League to tell all and sundry that striker Asamoah Gyan had been put up for sale, my bullshit meter went into the red and I had an inkling deep down in my waters that it would only be a matter of time before they were comprehensively rubbished.

Sporting KC’s Graham Zusi Scores 45-Yard Screamer, More Fantastic Commentary Ensues (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The MLS seems to be coughing up it's fair share of pearlers at the moment, the latest being Sporting KC midfielder Graham Zusi's 45-yard free-kick against Dallas t'other day a Herculean set-piece that gave rise to yet another snippet of amazingly vivid commentary from our good buddies across the pond.

Scandal! Lionel Messi & Milito Brothers Attend ‘Sex And Alcohol’ Party In Argentina

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By Chris Wright

'Scandal' has broken out in this morning's Il Corriere dello Sport, who claim that Lionel Messi, both Gab and Diego Milito and cape-wearing crime fighter Martin Palermo attended a 'sex and alcohol' party in their native Argentina which was being hosted by local reality TV strumpet Xoana Gonzalez.

Fire Extinguishers, Underwear, Uncontrollable Screaming – Novara ‘Keeper Jimmy Fontana Celebrates Serie A Promotion Properly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Much to many people's surprise, unfancied Novara secured promotion to Italy's top flight by beating Padova in a play-off on Sunday evening though none were quite as surprised as Novara 'keeper Jimmy Fontana, who celebrated like a two-year old that had eaten nothing but blue Smarties since breakfast.

‘It’s True, Cesc Wants To Go To Barca’ – Bacary Sagna Says All The Wrong Things

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By Chris Wright

We're not going to dally too long over this one as, frankly, we find the whole ongoing 'Fabregas to Barca' rigmarole bloody tedious, as we're sure you do too by now.

Anywhom, we think it's fairly safe to assume that Cesc's Arsenal teammate Bacary Sagna has hardly waffled his way into Arsene Wenger's good books giving French radio station RMC a comprehensive rundown of all the reasons why his captain will be returning home to Catalonia before too long:

"I can say it's true that Cesc wants to go to Barca.

Johan Djourou Presents ‘The Arsenal Awards’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which resident Arsenal japester Johan Djourou presents his teammates with a succession of various 'end of season' awards.

Things we learnt from the video:

1. Jack Wilshere is, indeed, a tiny human.

2. Wojciech Szczesny is a one-man comedy roadshow.

Alan Shearer Holds ‘Unsuccessful’ Talks With Cardiff – Bullet…Dodged?

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By Chris Wright

"He's not turned into a decent manager overnight Gary"

Saints be praised! Dr Alan Shearer will still be proffering forth his studious Alan-alysis to the nation from the Match of the Day settee next season after holding what he described as 'unsuccessful' talks (despite somehow becoming the bookies' favourite to land the job) with Cardiff about taking over as manager of the Welsh club.

Snapshot: Boca Juniors Legend Martin Palermo Retires, Dons Amazing Cape For The Occasion

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By Chris Wright

At the grand old age of 37 (though we'd swear that he's been 37 for at least the last five years) and after scoring a million goals in a thousand appearances over two spells at the club, Boca Juniors' veteran striker Martin Palermo played his last ever game at La Bombonera at the weekend.

Completely Crap ‘Falling Leaf’ Penalty Costs Austrian Side Promotion (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Allow us to set the scene. After a 1-0 victory apiece over the two legs, the play-off to reach the second tier of Austrian football has come down to a penalty shoot-out.

As the shoot-out reached sudden-death with Blau-Weiss Linz falling 4-3 behind to Wassen, it was left to Blau-Weiss' erstwhile captain and striker Armin Hobel to puff out his chest, step up to the plate and keep his side in it.

Portland Timbers Coach John Spencer Provides Comedy Gold In Alaska Air Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which former Chelsea striker, professional gruff Scotsman and current Portland Timbers head coach John Spencer puts in a fairly decent comedy turn as an air hostess in this mildly mirthful 'Employee Exchange' advert for Alaska Air...

Good to see a member of the footballing fraternity actually appear half-way lifelike on camera for once rather than looking like a complete ironing board.

Cristiano ‘It’s Not About The Money’ Ronaldo Snubs Man City Move

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By Chris Wright

Not that anybody (except the Daily Mirror) ever thought he would for a split-second, but Cristiano Ronaldo himself has put the kibosh on rumours that he may be teetering on the edge of an exorbitant £150 million move to Manchester City, telling a Spanish radio station that 'money isn't the most important thing' to him no, hairgel is.

What In Blue Blazes Are Aston Villa Doing?

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By Chris Wright

News is filtering through this morning that, even after Birmingham formally refused to accept his resignation last night, Aston Villa have asked their cross-city rivals for permission to open talks with Alex McLeish about taking over at Villa Park.

Wayne Rooney ‘Sings’ Beatles Karaoke In Barbados (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Scouse crooner Wayne Rooney serenades new flames Andy Carroll and Gary McAllister with a beautiful, tear-inducing rendition of 'Yesterday' before breaking into a Beatles medley (with a bit of Oasis thrown in at the end for good measure) in a bar in Barbados.

Udinese Claim Man City Are Favourites To Sign Alexis Sanchez

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By Chris Wright

One of the South African World Cup's all too few redeeming features was the gung-ho 'attack attack attack' stylings of Marco Bielsa's young(ish) Chile side an enthusiastic ensemble almost embodied by Udinese winger Alexis Sanchez who, after coming into the tournament as something of an unknown entity, put himself on the map with a string of fine performances and, as such, has been in high demand ever since.

Stop Us If You’ve Heard This One Before – Arsenal Fans Promised ‘Busy Summer’ By Club’s Top Brass

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By Chris Wright

With a deal for a near-as-dammit unknown 19-year old centre-back from the third tier of English football already tied up, this summer has already ready been rather hectic in Arsenal terms, though the club's chief executive, Ivan Gazidis has vowed that there will be a distinct turnover of players at the Emirates this close season.

Spanish Journalist’s Impression Of Dani Alves Is Spot-On (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AS scribe Tomas Roncero, take a bow, for your impression of Barcelona's resident deep space landlord, Dani Alves, is nigh-on perfect Sir...

Rolling off set and into the cameras = 100% dedication to the cause.

Andres Guardado Catches One Sweetly, Scores Rasping Volley As Mexico Thump Costa Rica (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Our second coruscating volley of the morning comes from the Gold Cup, as Mexico beat Costa Rica 4-1 on Sunday evening to shore up their spot at the summit of Group A with perennial Premier League target Andres Guardado bagging himself a brace in the process the first of which was something quite spectacularrrrrr.

Gold Cup Snapshot: ‘Oh My God! We Screwed The Gringos’ – USA Lose First Ever Group Game To Panama

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By Chris Wright

The US lost their first ever Gold Cup group game on Saturday, going down 2-1 to Panama in Florida in distinctly uninspiring fashion a fact neatly summed up by this subtle headline in a Panamanian newspaper...

.

Vancouver Whitecaps’ Eric Hassli Scores Wonder Goal vs Seattle Sounders (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Vancouver Whitecaps striker Eric Hassli bags his second goal of the night to round off a frantic final ten minutes of the Caps' 2-2 draw with the Seattle Sounders on Saturday evening (all while the US National side were busy being humbled by Panama elsewhere) and it is, as they say, an absolute beauty.

‘It’s About Time Discipline Was Instilled’ – Birmingham Board Fuming As Alex McLeish Quits By E-Mail

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By Chris Wright

Birmingham's acting chairman Peter Pannu is not a happy bunny, and for good reason.

As you may be aware, Brum manager Alex McLeish resigned in time-honoured fashion by email yesterday with one eye on the Aston Villa vacancy.

Pannu and his cronies on the City board are feeling understandably jilted after having recently tied up deals for three new players that were sounded out by Big Eck himself, who chose to do a e-runner while negotiations for a fourth new face (Danny Koevermans from PSV) were ongoing.

Nott’m Forest Appoint Steve McClaren, Three-Year Deal Agreed

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By Chris Wright

You leave the Parish for one day and look what happens. As soon as my back was turned, Nottingham Forest sacked Billy Davies (presumably for being such an argumentative little git) and have, as of this morning, officially appointed Steve McClaren as his successor on a three-year deal.

Snapshot: Gerard Pique Trains In His New Nike ‘Tiempo Legend IV Elite’ Boots (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

We know it's a bit (very) cheap to split this lot from the photos we slapped up earlier of Nike's snazzy new 'Tiempo Legend IV Elite' boots, but forgive us hands up, we completely missed these snippets of Barca's Gerard Pique casting his beady (or should that be 'beardy') eye over his designated footwear for next season when we flicked through the batch originally.

‘Man Dressed As Cow’ Scores First Ever Goal At Sporting KC’s New Stadium (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the prestigious honour of scoring the first ever goal during the first ever game at MLS side Sporting KC's brand new $200 million 'Livestrong Sporting Park' stadium goes to an impressively quick bloke in a ropey cow costume that tear-arsed onto the pitch in the 80th minute.

Snapshot: Nike Unveil Classy New ‘Tiempo Legend IV Elite’ Boots (Artwork & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Just a whole bundle of arty renderings and photos of Nike's brand new 'Tiempo Legend IV Elite' boots, nothing more, nothing less...

A doff of the cap to Nike for still refusing to fart around with a bona fide classic boot after 17 years.

Fünf Frauen From German Women’s U20s Side Pose For Playboy (NSFW-ish)

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By WAG Watcher

Move along, nothing to see here. Just fünf of the smoking-est frauen from the German Women's U20 side (Selina Wagner, Julia Simic, Annika Doppler, Kristina Gessat and Ivana Rudelic though we've no idea who is who) posing for Playboy in teeny-tiny 'football kits', move along.

Xavi’s Midfield Majesty: Season Highlights, 2010/11 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Perfect Friday afternoon viewing, a saliva-inducing video compendium of Barcelona's diminutive string-puller-in-chief, Xavi, highlighting his unique strain of artisan midfield majesty during the season just past.

Many people still us ask why Pies repeatedly fawn over Senor Hernandez to the point of all-encompassing man-crush.

Jordan Henderson’s First Interview As Liverpool Player (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Step this way for a look at Liverpool's new £14.5/16/18/20 million-man, Jordan Henderson, all decked out in red and white for the very first time...sort of...

'Over the moon'? Check.

Video: 101GG

Abou Diaby Both Owns And Wears A Tottenham Shirt

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By Chris Wright

For some reason, a fair amount seems to be being made of this this morning, so I thought I'd share Arsenal midfielder Abou Diaby has freely admitted that he both owns AND WEARS and Spurs shirt (a gift from his chum Younes Kaboul) while pottering round in the privacy of his own home.

Gary Neville Throws Dreadful ‘First Pitch’ At White Sox Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Gary Neville slighty over-cooks the ceremonial 'first pitch' before the White Sox took on the Oakland A's in Chicago last night...

'Why was Comrade Nev there in the first place?' I hear you cry. Well, apparently he was in town to promote Manchester United's close-season friendly with Chicago Fire on July 23rd.

Gary Neville Throws Dreadful ‘First Pitch’ At White Sox Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Gary Neville slighty over-cooks the ceremonial 'first pitch' before the White Sox took on the Oakland A's in Chicago last night...

'Why was Comrade Nev there in the first place?' I hear you cry. Well, apparently he was in town to promote Manchester United's close-season friendly with Chicago Fire on July 23rd.

Five Mexico Players Fail Drugs Test, Blame ‘Tainted Meat’

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By Chris Wright

"Tainted meat, I've got to...dum dum...run away, I've got to..."

Five of Mexico's Gold Cup squad have been sent home after they all tested positive for Clenbuterol, a 'controlled substance' used in inhalers to treat breathing disorders.

Five Mexico Players Fail Drugs Test, Blame ‘Tainted Meat’

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By Chris Wright

"Tainted meat, I've got to...dum dum...run away, I've got to..."

Five of Mexico's Gold Cup squad have been sent home after they all tested positive for Clenbuterol, a 'controlled substance' used in inhalers to treat breathing disorders.

Man Utd Set ‘Samir Nasri’ Ball Rolling, Liverpool Lodge £5m Gael Clichy Bid

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By Chris Wright

Well, what do you know? Looks like Manchester United and Liverpool are keen to get all their summer transfer dealing out of the way up top.

Several newspapers are claiming this morning that 'third parties' acting on behalf of Nasri and United met in Manchester yesterday to discuss a potential move, though the Daily Telegraph are also offering the explanation that the Frenchman may just be flirting with the Premier League champions in order to eek a new £120,000-a-week out contract of Arsenal doing a 'Rooney' so to speak.

‘I’m Good Enough To Play’ – Usain Bolt Offers His Services To Man Utd (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With one fleet-footed winger seemingly already on the way to Old Trafford this summer, it looks like Manchester United may have another on their hands before too long.

Bolt (an avid United fan) told BBC Sport:

"I want to try soccer after I retire because I've watched football for years and I think I could be a good contender.

Ashley Young Holds Talks With Man Utd, Yet Another £16m Move In The Offing?

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By Chris Wright

It's not set in stone quite yet, but the Press Association are reporting this afternoon that Villa star Ashley Young or, more accurately, his agents have held initial talks with Manchester United over a £16 million (what is it with that particular price tag at the moment?

Doncaster Rovers Sack Mascot After ‘Donny The Dog’ Appears In Raunchy(ish) Lingerie Shoot

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By Chris Wright

Huge news from the Championship, where Doncaster Rovers have sacked their mascot of three years after she got her wabs out for a fairly timid lingerie shoot, posing alongside the head from her 'Donny The Dog' costume.

Doncaster have announced that 40-year old, mother-0f-three Tracy Chandler has been relieved of her voluntary duties after she 'disgraced the club' by appearing in a charity photo shoot for a newspaper.

‘The Art Of Ball Control’: For Those Who Appreciate A Sweet First-Touch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: 'The Art of Ball Control' just sit back and enjoy a cavalcade of a selection of the finest first-touches to have ever graced the game...

(Health warning: May contain several traces of Dennis Bergkamp)

How grand to see a bit of Deportivo's oft-forgotten treasure Djalminha in his pomp.

Caption This: Wayne Rooney, Andy Carroll And Gary McAllister On Holiday Together

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By Chris Wright

Pies says:

"Basically Gary, you just have to find yourself £30k and an overly hairy donor - I found young Andy here on the internet. They just ripped the follicles right out of his Lord of the Rings beard and sewed it onto my scalp, I look like Carlos Valderrama under this hat.

‘You Don’t Come To Turkey, Then Leave When You Want’ – Turkish FA To Report Chelsea Over Hiddink Pursuit?

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By Chris Wright

Yes, this really happened

It's a fairly widely known secret that Chelsea are desperate to install Guus Hiddink as their new/old manager, and it looks like they've been taking the 'Abramovich Expressway' in order to do so i.

Diego Lugano Butchers Robin Van Persie’s Ankle, Goes Completely Unpunished (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bearing in mind that you could probably rupture Robin van Persie's spleen if you stared at him hard enough, it's little wonder that Diego Lugano's reckless, two-footed stomp after only 30 minutes of last night's 'friendly' between Holland and Uruguay didn't land the Arsenal crock in an Intensive Care ward.

Chelsea Officially Launch 2011/12 Away Kit – The One With Solar Panels (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Look what greeted us on the doormat at Pies Towers this morning, a batch of photos of Chelsea's brand new, solar-powered Adidas away kit for 2011/12...

Apparently, the socks are 'revolutionary' Adidas' words, not mine as they have padding in the feet.

Roberto Martinez In Talks With Aston Villa, Steve McClaren Told To Take A Hike

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By Chris Wright

First we all thought Mark Hughes was a shoe-in, then came the swiftly kiboshed whispers that Carlo Ancelotti was favourite for the job, then Schteve McClaren was ruled in and swiftly ruled out again quicker than you can say 'Croatia on a wet Wednesday' (apparently he was told by Villa execs that he would be 'wasting his time' by attending an interview harsh), then rumours began spreading that Rafa Benitez was all but set to step in but you can forget all that baloney, for it now looks like the man Aston Villa want to replace Gerard Houllier is none other than Wigan manager Roberto Martinez.

Roberto Martinez In Talks With Aston Villa, Steve McClaren Told To Take A Hike

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By Chris Wright

First we all thought Mark Hughes was a shoe-in, then came the swiftly kiboshed whispers that Carlo Ancelotti was favourite for the job, then Schteve McClaren was ruled in and swiftly ruled out again quicker than you can say 'Croatia on a wet Wednesday' (apparently he was told by Villa execs that he would be 'wasting his time' by attending an interview harsh), then rumours began spreading that Rafa Benitez was all but set to step in but you can forget all that baloney, for it now looks like the man Aston Villa want to replace Gerard Houllier is none other than Wigan manager Roberto Martinez.

Phil Jones Undergoing Man Utd Medical Ahead Of £16m Move

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By Chris Wright

Well, that came out of the blue.

The 'BREAKING NEWS' ticker over on Sky Sports News has just farted into life to inform us that Blackburn's promising young centre-half Phil Jones is undergoing a medical at Man Utd's Carrington training complex ahead of a £16 million move.

Norwich Launch New Errea Kit With Very ‘National Stereotype-y’ Promo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Norwich released their rather smart new 2011/12 Errea home kit t'other day, and chose to do so with a bout of good ol' fashioned borderline racism.

Come on everybody, let's play 'count the national stereotypes'...

In case you haven't gathered, Errea are in fact an Italian company.

Snapshot: Ronaldo Bids The Footballing World Goodbye (With Videos)

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, Ronaldo played his final competitive game last night playing for the last 15 minutes of the first-half of Brazil's 1-0 friendly win over Romania in Sao Paulo.

Sadly, Ron didn't manage to grab the decisive goal (Fred had put Brazil a goal up before El Fenomeno entered the fray), though he did manage to fluff two or three decent chances to extend the lead during the brief period he spent on the pitch chances he would have buried in his prime.

Three In, Three Out: Liverpool & Everton

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By Chris Wright

With the transfer window just beginning to creak in the wind (of change?), we at Pies reckon it's high time to begin speculating and hypothesising on the ins-and-out – quite literally – of this summer's prospective transfer activity.

This week, the prospective comings and goings of Merseyside's finest, Liverpool and Everton, are put under scrutiny.

Puma Invite Tottenham Fans To ‘Guess The New Kit’ On Facebook

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By Chris Wright

If you happen to be a Tottenham supporter/amateur kit designer with a few minutes to spare today then you may want to check out Puma's new Facebook app, 'Guess The Kit'.

Ahead of the official 2011/12 home kit release, Puma are allowing fans to draft up their own fantastical designs, with the aim of the game being to second-guess the sportswear giants and match their new design with a prize presumably on offer if you somehow manage to get it spot on, though nothing is actually mentioned, so who knows?

USA 2-0 Canada: GolTV Provide Worst…Commentary…Ever (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Okay, so maybe it's not the worst commentary ever but, come on; "Go celebrate with yo people!!"? "Jozy loves scoring like a fat kid loves eating cake"? "WAAH WUOAHH WAHHH CLINT DEMPSEEEEY!!! WOW WOW WEEWAH!!!"? it's pretty damn bad.

Liverpool Have Jordan Henderson Bid Accepted – £16m Plus David N’Gog

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to start the day with the news that, first thing this morning Liverpool have had a bid for Sunderland midfielder Jordan Henderson accepted, with those fine folk over at the Press Association reporting that the deal is worth somewhere in the region of £20 million £16 million in cold, hard cash and a David N'Gog thrown in for good measure.

Snapshot: Xavi Poses With Every Trophy He’s Won At Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Taupe suede jacket aside, what a little chief...

Image: Fanolato

All 106 Lionel Messi & Cristiano Ronaldo Goals From 2010/11 (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, twin modern colossuseseseses of the game, seemingly entwined by their greatness numerically speaking of course.

For your delectation, here are 106 moments of sheer footballing godliness (give or take a few), i.

‘Luka Won’t Go To Man Utd, He Will Stay At Tottenham’ – Modric Ain’t Going Nowhere This Summer

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By Chris Wright

And lo, the words that all Tottenham fans have been waiting to hear for a good few months garnered straight from the gullet of Luka Modric's advisor, Mario Mamic, and reproduced faithfully on the pages of Croatian newspaper Jutarnji List:

"Luka will not go to Manchester United, and he will also stay at Tottenham because I know that president Daniel Levy will not let him go.

‘I Will Never Return To Manchester, Not Even On Holiday’ – Carlos Tevez Still Loving Life In England (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

I'll be the first to admit that my Spanish isn't great, but from what I can garner from Carlos Tevez's appearance on the Susana Gimenez show (Argentina's answer to Oprah or, perhaps more accurately, Vanessa Feltz), it doesn't seem like the little urchin is enjoying his time in Manchester much.

‘Before & After Ronaldo’: Nike Pay Homage Ahead Of El Fenomeno’s Farewell Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ronaldo is set to pull on a Brazil shirt for one last time during the Selecao's friendly against Romania in Sao Paulo tonight, and long-time sponsors Nike have chosen to mark the occasion with a snazzy little viral (called simply 'Before & After') that marks the changes that the striker's glittering career has bought about in both Brazilian and World football.

Liverpool Close In On Jordan Henderson Deal – This Is What £20m Gets You These Days?

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By Chris Wright

Bit of a puzzler here, but it seems highly likely that Liverpool are on the cusp of wrapping up a deal for Sunderland midfielder Jordan Henderson, with a fee just short of £20 million being mooted by several of today's newspapers.

The Telegraph are reporting that Liverpool had a £16 million bid for Henderson rejected over the weekend and are set to return to the table with a bid somewhere just shy of the £20 million mark at some point tomorrow which, fairly understandably, the paper reckon is a bid that Sunderland would be rather foolish to turn down.

New FIFA 12 Viral Released – L’il Wayne, Drake, Kaka, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer And Scott Sellars Shill For EA (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With a line-up that reads like a yoof-orientated reboot of FIFA's 'Council of Wisdom', EA have released a new viral trailer for FIFA 12 into the wild a teaser which sees a hotch-potch of famous faces including Drake, Li'l Wayne, L'il Wayne Rooney, Ole Gunnar Solksjaer (who, worryingly, seems to base his entire coaching know-how on computer games), Kaka, Giampaolo Pazzini (for a split-second) Jack Wilshere (needs subtitles) and the mighty presence that is Scott Sellars all 'living their passion through FIFA'.

Gonzalo Bazan Sees Peachy ‘Ghost Goal’ Ruled Out Because Referee Wasn’t Looking (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This past Saturday saw Independiente Rivadavia play host to Patronato in Argentina's second tier, with the former eventually running out as comfortable 3-0 winners no thanks to the hapless officials, who chalked off Independiente midfielder Gonzalo Bazan's spectacular long-range effort, presumably as the ball clearly hadn't crossed the goal-line when it hit the back of the net.

Shit Lookalikes: Alex McLeish & Breaded Ham

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By Chris Wright

Wonderful stuff from Pies fan Luke Atkins, who noticed that after Eck stands in direct sunlight for too long, the Brum boss doesn't half start to resemble a certain meaty treat.

Got a Lookalike for Pies? Send it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

FIFA Assemble Three-Man ‘Council Of Wisdom’ To Restore Football’s Credibility – Johan Cruyff, Henry Kissinger…and Placido Domingo

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By Chris Wright

In a bid to scrub the leeches from FIFA's grubby underbelly, president Sepp Blatter has assembled a crack three-man advisory panel dubbed the 'council of wisdom' and, considering the three men in question, it's hard to see anything other than glorious success.

Martin Jol Takes Over At Fulham On Two-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright


Huzzah! Martin Jol's big lovely Dutch face will be back in the Premier League next season!

After Mark Hughes reneged on the option of extending his rolling contract and walked away from the club with one eye on the Villa job last Thursday, Big Martin has been handed the reigns at Fulham this morning signing up on a two-year deal with the option of a third.

Snapshot: Wayne Rooney’s New Hair Transplant – First Photo Emerges

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By Chris Wright

Now then, doesn't that look so much better?

Photo: AkaBeast

Xerez Midfielder José Capdevila Scores Audacious 25-Yard Rabona Lob (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Firstly, a little bit of context. While playing for Real Valladolid back in 2006, José Luis Capdevila attempted an audacious 25-yard rabona lob that he oh so very nearly pulled off...

After spending the next five years waiting for the opportunity to try again, Capdevila (now of Xerez) finally plucked up the cojones to try his infamous trick-shot again this weekend in a Spanish second tier tie against Elche.

Ryan Giggs Stars In Unfortunate ‘Brothers For Life’ Advert (Video)

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By Chris Wright

My my, adverts just keep coming back to bite Ryan Giggs in the ass at the moment don't they?

If you don't fully understand why this is 'unfortunate', I suggest you either hunt down a copy of yesterday's Daily Mail or try googling 'Ryan Giggs takes brotherly love far too literally'.

Dropping Like Flies: Peter Crouch The Next Fringe Player To Quit England?

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By Chris Wright

'Ruling yourself unavailable for international selection' for one reason or another seems to be a zeitgeisty trend sweeping through the English game at the moment first came announcements from Wes Brown, Ben Foster and Paul Robinson, and now there are several reports surfacing that Peter Crouch is about to pull the plug after failing to make the cut for Saturday's Euro 2012 qualifier against the Swiss.

Robinho’s Three-Year Old Son Trains With Brazil (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The latest in Pies' 'Fruit of Footballing Loins' series sees Robinho allow his three-year old son, Robson Junior, to tag along with him to Selecao training only to be completely skinned for pace by his wee sprog (0:30), before the little man evades the evil clutches of Elano to round his old man with a burst of acceleration and tucks one away from close range (0:47).

Robinho’s Three-Year Old Son Trains With Brazil (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The latest in Pies' 'Fruit of Footballing Loins' series sees Robinho allow his three-year old son, Robson Junior, to tag along with him to Selecao training only to be completely skinned for pace by his wee sprog (0:30), before the little man evades the evil clutches of Elano to round his old man with a burst of acceleration and tucks one away from close range (0:47).

Zinedine Zidane Rolls Back The Years Against Bayern Munich All-Stars (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Zinedine Zidane stretches his legs and rolls back the years during a run out for a Real Madrid XI versus Bayern Munich's All-Star side in the 'Corazon Classic' charity match at the Bernabeu on Saturday evening...

Highlights..

Zinedine Zidane Rolls Back The Years Against Bayern Munich All-Stars (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Zinedine Zidane stretches his legs and rolls back the years during a run out for a Real Madrid XI versus Bayern Munich's All-Star side in the 'Corazon Classic' charity match at the Bernabeu on Saturday evening...

Highlights..

Wayne Rooney Has Hair Transplant, Pies Demand Photos!

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By Chris Wright


Image: RedCafe

Top 15 Photos: England 2-2 Switzerland

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By Chris Wright

For you perusal, a batch of snaps from England's end-of-season jolly Euro 2012 qualifier against Switzerland at Wembley yesterday afternoon...

Eren Derdiyok hooks a pot-shot into the stands as Rio Ferdinand closes in

Ashley Cole comes off worse in a 50-50 challenge with Valon Behrami

Tranquillo Barnetta's free-kick arcs over the penalty area and bounces in at Joe Hart's far post to open the scoring

Barnetta doubles the Swiss' lead minutes later, crashing an acute free-kick through England's non-existent wall and in at the near post

The Switzerland fans celebrate going 2-0 up

Fabio Capello remonstrates from the touchline

Frank Lampard sneaks a penalty under Diego Benaglio after Jack Wilshere was felled in the area by Arsenal teammate Johan Djourou on 37 mins

Ashley Young lets fly

Ashley Young celebrates pulling England level with a smart drive from the edge of the box

Leighton Baines hurdles Stephan Lichtsteiner's challenge

Fabio Capello and Ottmar Hitzfeld after the final whistle

John Terry and Rio Ferdinand trudge from the pitch

England captain John Terry consoles a dejected Jack Wilshere after the final whistle

Photos: PA

101 Greatest Goals Of 2010/11 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's the weekend, I have a snivelly man-cold in the height of summer and it's far too clammy here at Pies Towers to even comprehend trying to think cognitively so, in lieu of doing any actual work this morning, please allow us to forward on to you 101GG's video rundown of the 101 greatest goals scored during the 2010/11 season.

Eye-Watering Snapshot: Edin Dzeko Kicked In Face And Crotch Simultaneously vs Romania

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By Chris Wright

Poor old Edin Dzeko. After enduring a bit of a shonky debut season at Man City, the poor bugger had a 'mare for Bosnia last night shanking several decent chances before being hauled off after an hour or so of their Euro 2012 qualifying defeat against Romania.

Eye-Watering Snapshot: Edin Dzeko Kicked In Face And Crotch Simultaneously vs Romania

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By Chris Wright

Poor old Edin Dzeko. After enduring a bit of a shonky debut season at Man City, the poor bugger had a 'mare for Bosnia last night shanking several decent chances before being hauled off after an hour or so of their Euro 2012 qualifying defeat against Romania.

West Brom Launch New Adidas Training Range – Peter Odemwingie Wears Worst Jeans You’ll Ever See (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

West Brom launched their brand-spanking new Adidas training range (the new kits are scheduled to be unveiled at a later date) via their official website this morning an occasion that Peter Odemwingie chose to mark by sporting the single foulest pair of jeans you're ever likely to witness.

Photos: England Train At Wembley Ahead Of Switzerland Qualifier

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By Chris Wright

A few photos from England's second open training session of the week this time at Wembley ahead of Saturday's Euro 2012 Qualifier against the Swiss...

"Hey Bobby, think you could run me through the Time Warp one more time?

Young Hoodlum Throws Punch At Lionel Messi Outside Rosario Restaurant (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which an Argentinian youth tries to land one on Lionel Messi as the Barca star emerges from a restaurant in his hometown of Rosario, misses completely then legs it down the street...

According to the Argentinian media, the uppity yob was a Rosario Central supporter, arch-rivals of Newell's Old Boys the club where Messi started his career.

Germany’s New Adidas Euro 2012 Kits Are Works Of Retro Kunst (Leaked Photos)

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By Chris Wright

For your eyes only we have come into possession of a few leaked snaps of the two kits that Germany will apparently be sporting come the Euro 2012 finals next summer and, speaking as someone who utterly adored the retro simplicity of the previous Germany strip (i.

‘Just Shut The F**K Up’ – Robin Van Persie Slams Chelsea And Barcelona For ‘Bitching’ To Referees

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By Chris Wright

Robin Van Persie (who, if memory serves, has never whined at an official before himself) has lambasted both Chelsea and Barcelona for 'always bitching' to referees in order to co-erce decisions out of them during games, rather than just knuckling down and winning trophies the Arsenal way.

Brad Friedel Agrees To Join Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have just agreed a deal with the National Goalkeeping Museum that will allow them to display an ancient American relic betwixt the sticks at White Hart Lane next season or something like that.

Friedel's contract at Villa is due to expire on the last day of June, and Spurs have confirmed that they have muscled in ahead of Liverpool and West Brom and shook hands with the 40-year-old stopper over a two-year deal.

‘We Made Him A Rich Man’ – Newcastle Hit Back Over Michael Owen’s ‘Poor Team’ Jibe

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, wee Michael Owen metaphorically defecated in the Tyne and emptied his bladder all over Geoff from Byker Grove's face by having the gall to brand the vintage 2005-09 era Newcastle side (think Bramble and Viana through to Luque, Cacapa, Rozenhal, Ramage, Xisco etc, etc.

Snapshot: Copa Del Rey That Sergio Ramos Mangled Goes On Display In Spanish Museum

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By Chris Wright

Good news everyone, the Copa Del Rey that Sergio Ramos tried (and succeeded, in part) to destroy not so very long ago has gone on show at the Spanish Football Federation Museum and what a truly marvelous sight it is...

I know what you're all thinking: 'Hey, wait a goddamn minute.

Bizarre Advert Sees Getafe Enlist ‘Rocky The Suicidal Koala’ To Help Sell Season Tickets (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As mascots go, 'Rocky the Suicidal Koala Bear' sounds about as friendly as 'Adolf the Anti-Semitic Guide Dog' or 'Clyde the Violently Sado-Masochistic Fire Safety Hedgehog' though that doesn't seem to have stopped La Liga side Getafe from pinning all their hopes on the manically depressed marsupial to shift their season tickets for next campaign.

Three In, Three Out: Man City & Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

With the transfer window just beginning to creak in the wind (of change?), we at Pies reckon it's high time to begin speculating and hypothesising on the ins-and-out – quite literally – of this summer's prospective transfer activity.

This week, Manchester City and Tottenham are bought before the beak.

New Chelsea Away Kit Leaked – Has Solar Panels (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Hey kids? Wanna see a couple of leaked photos of the new solar-powered Chelsea away kit? They're in the back of my van...

Photos: Todo Sobre Camiseta

Reckon these are so bad they simply must be fakes? That's not what Pies' fairly well-paced source is telling us.

Pathetic Goalkeeping Leads To Comical Own-Goal, Neymar Has The Audacity To Claim It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Diego Barreto of Cerro Porteno, tikabooson...

Don't really understand how that little cockatoo-haired shite Neymar has the nerve to claim the goal (I'm fairly sure that he indicates to the referee that the ball glanced of his Rufio-like fringe) and celebrate like he's just buried one from 35-yards that was all about Barreto's masterful handiwork.

Valencia Players Strip Naked For Kit Launch Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One for fans of male buttocks and counter-productive, object-defeating irony here in which several Valencia stars including Joaquin and Roberto Soldado strip completely billy-bollock naked in order to promote the club's new Joma kits for 2011/12..

Valencia Players Strip Naked For Kit Launch Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One for fans of male buttocks and counter-productive, object-defeating irony here in which several Valencia stars including Joaquin and Roberto Soldado strip completely billy-bollock naked in order to promote the club's new Joma kits for 2011/12..

Wayne Rooney’s Title-Winning Penalty Spot Selling For £1m+ On Ebay

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By Chris Wright

Fancy snagging yourself the very square of Ewood Park turf that Wayne Rooney wrapped up Manchester United's 19th league title from?

It just so happens that you're in luck my friend, as Blackburn fan Eddie Maxwell has uprooted the very penalty spot from which Rooney hammered home that decisive spot-kick and flung the bugger on Ebay in the name of charity and the good news is, at the time of writing, the hallowed piece of muddy sod will only set you back a mere £1,000,050.

Wayne Rooney’s Title-Winning Penalty Spot Selling For £1m+ On Ebay

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By Chris Wright

Fancy snagging yourself the very square of Ewood Park turf that Wayne Rooney wrapped up Manchester United's 19th league title from?

It just so happens that you're in luck my friend, as Blackburn fan Eddie Maxwell has uprooted the very penalty spot from which Rooney hammered home that decisive spot-kick and flung the bugger on Ebay in the name of charity and the good news is, at the time of writing, the hallowed piece of muddy sod will only set you back a mere £1,000,050.

Football GIF: Reading Fan Unleashes The Madness During Play-Off Final

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By Chris Wright

MWUHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!....

Gerard Houllier Leaves Aston Villa, Sparky Favourite To Step In

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By Chris Wright

Shortly before close of play last night, Aston Villa released a statement to confirm that Gerard Houllier had indeed left the club on health grounds after only nine months in charge at Villa Park.

Houllier was forced to miss the last five games of the Premier League season after his dicky ticker played up again in April, with assistant manager Gary McAllister overseeing Villa's late run to 9th spot.

Snapshot: FIFA Democracy In A Nutshell

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By Chris Wright

The heartiest of hearty congrats go out to Sepp Blatter who has just been successfully re-elected as FIFA president after running completely unopposed and harvesting 186 of the 203 available votes...

Once again, absolutely no punchline is necessary.

The Never-Ending Penalty Kick: Portland Timbers vs DC United (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which the saga of the Timbers' penalty kick against DC United goes on and on and on and on...

You know something's probably gone wrong somewhere if you're still stuck trying to take the same damn spot-kick four minutes later.

On a different tack, is that Robbie 'friend of the Dutch modelling industry' Earle I hear before me?

Romelu Lukaku Pushes For Big-Money Move To England ‘By Next Monday’ – Before His College Exams

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By Chris Wright

If you happen to peruse the gossip columns or play Football Manager from time to time, you're bound to be aware of young Romelu Lukaku the depressingly prodigious, ridiculously prolific Anderlecht striker who seems to have been prone for a big-money move to one of Europe's elite for years, despite only being 19 years of age at present.

Marco Materazzi Celebrates Inter’s Coppa Italia Win By Soaking TV Presenter With Ice-Cold Water (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which part-time Inter defender and full-time coco-loon cake Marco Materazzi celebrates the Nerazzurri's recent Coppa Italia final victory over Palermo in time-honoured fashion by filling a bucket full of ice-cold water and then dumping it all over a pair of unsuspecting pitch-side television reporters.

Argentinian FIFA Member Julio Grondona Asked England For The Falklands Back In Return For Vote

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By Chris Wright

In an interview with German press agency DPA, Argentinian FIFA ExCo member Julio Grandona started by pissing and whining about the relentless attacks on 'the FIFA family' by the English media, denied being glad-handed by the Qatar 2022 team in return for his vote and then went on to implicate himself in perhaps the largest-scale bribe ever to have taken place within the governing body's corridors of power:

"Yes, I voted for Qatar, because a vote for the US (who were beaten by Qatar in the race to host the 2022 finals) would be like a vote for England and that is not possible.

Patrice Evra Pretends To Drop Premier League Trophy À La Sergio Ramos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems like we're due to get one of these 'Sergio Ramos trophy-dropping' japes every time someone wins something and parades it around on a bus until the mountains crumble, the seas run dry and the Earth is engulfed in ice once again.

Here's Paddy Evra's effort from t'other day.

Michael Owen To Stay On At Man Utd, Agrees One-Year Extension

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By Chris Wright

Despite all and sundry backing him to be one of the first faces out of the door at Old Trafford this summer, Manchester United have confirmed that Ickle Micky Owen has been handed a one-year contract extension.

Said S'ralex:

"Michael has proved to be a top footballer.

Rio Ferdinand Pays Tribute To Paul Scholes On Twitter, Wayne Rooney…Doesn’t

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By Chris Wright

Several Manchester United players took to Twitter to voice their admiration for Paul Scholes after the Ginger Ninja announced his retirement yesterday, Wayne Rooney was not one of them...

To be fair, Rooney has actually spoken to the MEN at great length about just how much he's going to miss playing alongside 'Sat Nav' Scholes next season and also went on to brand the outbound midfielder as 'the greatest player of his generation' on Twitter but that wouldn't be nearly as funny, now would it?

Sam Allardyce Sworn In As New West Ham Boss

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By Chris Wright

Word on the wire is that call-centre-chic enthusiast Sam Allardyce is all but set to be appointed as West Ham's new manager at some point later today, with a £3 million, two-year contract being mooted by most of the major news outlets this morning including the good old Beeb, and why would they lie to us?

Snapshot: The Sun Play ‘Despot The Difference’

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By Chris Wright

Ah, The Sun. The last bastion of subtlety and witticism in an industry awash with hyperbolic shit-stirring and LOUD, SHOUTY NOISE!!!...

If you so wish, you can skim through the relevant article here.

Snapshot: The Sun Play ‘Despot The Difference’

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By Chris Wright

Ah, The Sun. The last bastion of subtlety and witticism in an industry awash with hyperbolic shit-stirring and LOUD, SHOUTY NOISE!!!...

If you so wish, you can skim through the relevant article here.

Saint-Etienne Supporters’ Group Celebrate 20th Anniversary With Amazing Mosaic Display (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You'll have to bear with me on this one as I've had to translate the accompanying info for this clip into English myself and my French isn't exactly...how you say?...tres bonne.

From what I can gather, a Saint-Etienne supporters group (ultras?

Sam Allardyce To Be Appointed New West Ham Boss Today

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By Chris Wright

"Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know..."

Word on the wire is that call-centre-chic enthusiast Sam Allardyce is all but set to be appointed as West Ham's new manager at some point later today, with a £3 million, two-year contract being mooted by most of the major news outlets this morning including the good old Beeb, and why would they lie to us?