Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

Spanish Newspaper AS Photoshop Defender Out To ‘Prove’ Dani Alves Was Offside

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By Chris Wright

Spanish newspaper 'AS' is widely known to be firmly entrenched in Real Madrid's corner as far as footballing allegiances go, and their ridiculously partisan bias was given yet another airing on Monday.

The paper have been forced to apologise for photoshopping Athletic Bilbao defender Koikili out of the photo (above) they used to illustrate just how 'offside' Barca's Dani Alves was in the build-up to the Catalan side's opening goal last weekend the swines.

Barcelona Fail To Overcome Ibrahim Afellay’s Language Barrier (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's bit of hot spoof action coming right at you...

Struggling? Never fear, the video also comes with an accompanying script for those not particularly well-versed in the Catalan vernacular...

Valdes: 'When you are close to me, you you, you pass the ball to me.

Arsenal Starlet Rapped Over Pizza Diet And Twitter Addicition

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By Chris Wright

I can haz pizza?

According to today's Daily Mirror, Arsenal youngster Wellington Silva has been given a 'major dressing-down' after admitting to eating nothing but pizza and spending his evenings Tweeting away until the early hours of the morning.

‘We Missed Like It Was Going Out Of Fashion’ – Harry Redknapp Bewildered By Blackpool Defeat

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham missed the chance to end the evening third in the Premier League pile after losing 3-1 to Blackpool at Bloomfield Road, thanks to goals from Charlie Adam, Dudley Junior Campbell and Brett Ormerod with Roman Pavlyuchenko profiting from a heavy deflection to grab a 93rd minute consolation.

Jose Mourinho ‘High Fives’ The Mascots (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Jose doles out some extra-special high-fives to the mascots before Real Madrid's game against Lyon t'other night...

*Sigh*

Video via the eternal goldmine that is 101GG.

Leo Messi Sues Homophobic Politician Over Dodgy Campaign Poster

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By Chris Wright

"Yes to sports, no to drugs, Olmedo for governor"

Spare a though for poor Leo Messi. The little tyke must get his photograph taken shaking hands with a hundreds strangers every day and, once in a while, those photos just so happen to get unlawfully grafted onto the campaign posters of possibly corrupt, definitely bigoted South American politicians.

‘I Have The Best Strikers In Europe’ – Danish Double Saves Ancelotti’s Bacon

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By Chris Wright

Nicolas Anelka's sixth and seventh goal in just six Champions League matches afforded Chelsea a 2-0 win over FC Copenhagen in their last-16 first-leg tie at a f-f-frozen Parken Stadium last night a result which puts the Blues to within spitting distance of a place in the quarter-finals and, if recent reports are to be believed, also spared manager Carlo Ancelotti from the proverbial chop.

Gennaro Gattuso To Miss Tottenham Return For Fear Of ’37,000 Slaps’

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By Chris Wright

As you may be aware, UEFA handed Gennaro Gattuso a four-match ban for his little tete-a-tete with Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan last week which, in addition to the original one-match suspension he incurred by picking up a booking earlier in the evening , means that the Milan scrapper will now be unavailable for the next five of the Italian club's upcoming fixtures.

Samir Nasri Tears Up Arsenal Contract, Boards Plane For Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

The Daily Mirror are going big today with news that Samir Nasri has 'hinted' that he may quit Arsenal for Barcelona in the summer if the Gunners successfully pip Manchester United to the Premier League title a claim they are backing with quotes taken from an interview that Nasri gave to a free, weekly sports magazine entitled Sports Magazine.

Abdul Al Traidi Busts Out The ‘Somersault Throw-In’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting the Saudi Arabian Rory Delap...

Whereas Al Ittifaq's Abdul Al Traidi got his 'flip throw' spot on, it's perhaps worth remembering that it's a particularly easy skill to balls-up, often with disastrous results...

Video via 101GG.

Man Utd Suffer Mini Injury Crisis Ahead Of Marseille Clash

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United have confirmed that they will be without five of their first(ish)-stringers ahead of their Champions League second round tie with Marseille tomorrow evening, after announcing that Ryan Giggs, Anderson, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Jonny Evans will not travel to the south of France with the rest of the squad.

‘Man City Could Be Better Than Barcelona’ – Yaya Toure Aims High

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By Chris Wright

Man City's roving colossus Yaya Toure believes that his side are well on their way to surpassing Barcelona within the next couple of years, such is their current rate of expansion.

Toure told The Sun:

"You cannot compare Barcelona with City right now because Barca are at the top and have top-quality players.

Kenny Dalglish And Andy Carroll Spotted Bonding At Boyzone Concert

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By Chris Wright

With Andy Carroll still not allowed out in public without adult supervision between the hours of 1900 and 0900 under the terms of his bail, the onus apparently fell in Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish's lap to chaperone his new £35 million signing to Boyzone's concert at the Echo Arena last week.

Thomas Hitzlsperger Scores A ‘Hitzlsperger’ As West Ham Trounce Burnley (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Thomas Hitzlsperger marked his long-awaited debut and opened the scoring for West Ham against Burnley in the FA Cup Fifth round last night, firing home from the edge of the area with a trademark Hitzlspergerâ„¢ of a strike...

My, how West Ham could have done with a few more of those this season.

‘I Love Chelsea’ – Jose Mourinho Issues Timely Reminder

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By Chris Wright

Things Jose doesn't miss about Chelsea No.1: Seb Coe's massive Tory face

With reports continuing to circulate that current incumbent Carlo Ancelotti is one draw away from the sack at Stamford Bridge, former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has issued a timely reminder that he is still very much 'in love' with the club.

‘Ronaldo Had To Wear Diapers At Copa America’ – Former Brazil Coach Vanderlei Luxemburgo

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By Chris Wright

With his recent retirement fresh in mind, former Brazil coach Vanderlei Luxemburgo has been remembering Ronaldo fondly regaling Spanish newspaper AS with stories of the 1999 Copa America, in which the Selecao's staff had to take special precautions to accomodate the striker's personal fitness regime:

"Ronaldo was already overweight, and we explored every possible way of making him drop some pounds.

Is Carlo Ancelotti On The Brink At Chelsea?

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By Chris Wright

According to several afternoon editions, Carlo Ancelotti is now surviving on fumes after Chelsea were put out of the FA Cup by Everton over the weekend, and will be sacked by the club should his side produce anything other than a win against Copenhagen in the Champions League tomorrow evening.

Leo Messi Skilfully Brings The Ball Down With His Crotch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which a tiny man gets nudged in the gonads by a stray football. Nothing more, nothing less...

We know we're a bit late in getting round to posting this one, but you just can't beat a sack tap.

Video via Dirty Tackle.

‘Fighting Spirit Always Has A Chance’ – Wenger Applauds Leyton Orient After FA Cup Late Show

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By Chris Wright

Whilst admitting that a win (and hence, no fixture-clogging replay) would have been nice, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was full of praise for Leyton Orient's 'fighting spirit' after Jonathan Tehoue's 89th-minute equaliser (Tomas Rosicky headed the Gunners in front just after half-time) ensured that the League One side forced an FA Cup fifth-round replay by snatching a last-gasp 1-1 draw at Brisbane Road.

Football Snapshot: Man City Fans ‘Do The Poznan’ vs Notts County

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By Chris Wright

Man City fans perform their Lech Poznan-inspired goal celebration

Despite taking to the field with £52 million's worth of strikers, Man City found themselves indebted to 34-year old, free-transfer signing Patrick Vieira for getting the ball rolling against Notts County in the FA Cup Fourth Round replay at Eastlands yesterday afternoon.

Tiziano Crudeli Left A Broken Man After Tottenham Beat Milan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's no secret that Tiziano Crudeli is easily Pies' favourite bellow-lunged, blood vessel-shredding football commentator and this, dear friends, is why.

While covering (in saliva, mostly) Tottenham's slim victory over his beloved Milan in the Champions League earlier in the week, T-Crud let rip with an uncontrollable gamut of emotions revealing just why Direttastadio (Italy's answer to Soccer Saturday) keep him penned away behind a thick perspex screen

See if you can pinpoint the exact moment when a) Peter Crouch prods Spurs in front and, b) when Zlatan Ibrahimovic's 'equaliser' was disallowed in the dying minutes.

Football Snapshot: Pepe Reina Welcomes The Mothership, vs Sparta Prague

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say that the billows of flare smoke that engulfed the pitch for five minutes during the second-half of Liverpool's Europa League goalless stalemate with Sparta Prague was one of the highlights of the evening especially seeing as though nothing.

Man Utd Veteran Ryan Giggs Signs Up For 21st Campaign

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United have confirmed that seasoned vet Ryan Giggs has been offered and signed a new, one-year contract extension at Old Trafford thus taking the Welshman's vaunted one-club career into it's 21st season.

Said Giggs, who'll turn 38 a couple of months into next season, via United's official site:

"All I've ever wanted to do is play for United and I've been lucky enough to do that for 20 years.

Pies Prediction League: Week 23 (FA Cup Special)

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By Chris Wright

Never fear, Ollie has promised to update the bloody humungous table (and, my lord, is he looking forward to it!) as and when he gets round to it.

Week 23 (all FA Cup 5th round ties unless stated otherwise)

Lawro says:

Chelsea 2-1 Everton (4th round replay)
Birmingham 2-1 Sheff Wed
Stoke 2-0 Brighton
Man Utd 3-0 Crawley
West Brom 2-2 Wolves (Premier League)
Man City 2-0 Notts County (4th round replay)
Fulham 2-1 Bolton
Leyton Orient 0-2 Arsenal
West Ham 2-1 Burnley

Pies says:

Chelsea 4-1 Everton
Birmingham 1-0 Sheff Wed
Stoke 2-0 Brighton
Man Utd 4-0 Crawley
West Brom 1-2 Wolves
Man City 1-0 Notts County
Fulham 1-1 Bolton
Leyton Orient 0-4 Arsenal
West Ham 2-1 Burnley

You say?

American Journalist Grant Wahl To Run For FIFA President

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By Chris Wright

American journo Grant Wahl (he who be responsible for writing 'The Beckham Experiment') has outlined his manifesto and joined the running for the FIFA presidency.

Wahl, the senior 'soccer' writer over at Sports Illustrated, used an article entitled 'It's time for someone to depose Sepp Blatter as FIFA's leader' to announce his decision to enter himself as a candidate and plans to go up against incumbent president Blatter when the leadership elections come around this June.

UEFA Announce Champions League Final Ticket Prices, They Aren’t Cheap!

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By Chris Wright

Fan groups are reacting angrily today after UEFA announced just before the close of play last night that the 'cheap seats' on general sale for this year's Champions League final at Wembley will be priced at an astronomical £176 (that's £150 plus a £26 admin charge), a price hike of nearly 15% up from last year's prices.

‘A Figment Of Gattuso’s Imagination’ – Joe Jordan Refutes ‘Pathetic’ Racism Claims

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan has struck back (verbally, thank Jehovah) at Gennaro Gattuso, branding him 'pathetic' after the AC Milan midfielder claimed that his seething meltdown in the San Siro on Tuesday night was provoked by racist remarks.

Aris Thessaloniki Use ‘Where’s Wally?’ Man City Squad Photo In Match Programme

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By Chris Wright

"Top row, from left to right: Pirlo, Forlan, Robben..."

When the vast Man City bandwagon rolled into town on Tuesday evening, Greek side Aris Thessaloniki pulled out all the stops to impress their uber-wealthy guests by providing City executives with an advanced copy of their matchday programme which included the picture above under the proviso that it was the Premier League side's official squad photo.

Football Snapshot: Pepe Reina Disappears Into The Haze, vs Sparta Prague

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say that the billows of flare smoke that engulfed the pitch for five minutes during the second-half of Liverpool's Europa League goalless stalemate with Sparta Prague was one of the highlights of the evening especially seeing as though nothing.

Liverpool ‘Delighted’ As Tom Hicks Loses Latest Court Battle

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have released a statement on behalf of their current owners Fenway Sports Group (formerly NESV), former creditors the Royal Bank of Scotland and former chairman Sir Martin Broughton in to express their collective delight at hearing that 'swindled' former owner (his words, not mine) Tom Hicks has been thwarted once again in his bid to sue the club for over £140 million's worth of damages i.

Proof (If Proof Were Needed) That Zlatan Is Almighty

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By Chris Wright

"DO NOT F**K WITH THE ZLATAN!"

A quick leaf through the Independent's report of an alleged dust-up in the San Siro tunnel after Tottenham's Champions League tie with AC Milan on Tuesday night reveals what Pies' long presumed to be true about the Mighty Zlatan he's a goddamn wrecking machine:

"It is understood that the Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic intervened between Rino Gattuso and Sebastien Bassong in the tunnel, picking up one player under each arm to separate them.

Jeremy Menez Picks Out The ‘Postage Stamp’ vs Shakhtar (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Champions League dark-horses Shakhtar Donetsk beat Roma 3-2 in the Stadio Olimpico last night, but the goal of the game belonged to Giallorossi forward Jeremy Menez, who picked out what pundits like to refer to as the 'postage stamp', i.e. placing a shot about as 'top corner' as it's physically possible to get.

Proof (If Proof Were Needed) That Zlatan Is Almighty

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By Chris Wright

From the Independent's report of an alleged dust-up in the San Siro tunnel after Tottenham's Champions League tie with AC Milan on Tuesday night:

"It is understood that the Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic intervened between Rino Gattuso and Sebastien Bassong in the tunnel, picking up one player under each arm to separate them.

Raheem Sterling Set For Record-Breaking Liverpool Debut

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool wunderkind Raheem Sterling racked up an impressive tally of five goals in Monday's 9-0 FA Youth Cup rout of Southend and, by way of reward for his progress at the Kirkby academy, looks nailed-on to be named amongst the substitutes for the first-string's Europa League tie with Sparta Prague this evening after earning himself a spot on the flight out to the Czech Republic.

Barcelona To Open New Academy Right Next To Chelsea’s Training Ground

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona have confirmed that they are set to open their first English academy (and their first outside Spain) in Cobham, Surrey just two miles up the road from Chelsea's current training complex.

The deal will see the Catalan club stage coaching classes for children between the ages of six and 16 from April 2011 at ACS Cobham the school currently attended by the sprogs of Chelsea's Didier Drogba and Yossi Benayoun.

UEFA Charge Gennaro Gattuso With ‘Gross Misconduct’ After Butt Probe

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By Chris Wright

'Gross' just about sums it up really

UEFA have charged Gennaro Gattuso with 'gross unsporting conduct' after the gobby AC Milan midfielder throttled then head-butted Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan on Tuesday night.

The European association have also confirmed that Gattuso will face the charge at a disciplinary hearing on February 21st, i.

‘We Beat The Best Side In History’ – Cesc Fabregas Revels In Barca Victory

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By Chris Wright

Of course, it's only 'half-time'. Yes, Arsenal have still got to face Barcelona on their own patch and, by jove, they'll only be taking a precarious one-goal advantage to the Camp Nou in a fortnight's time, but until then Cesc Fabregas and his minions can revel to their heart's content in having beaten the 'best side in football's history' at their own soddin' game.

One Arsenal v Barcelona Bet I Did Not Make…

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By Ollie Irish

No bets were placed.

Moron Uses Crawley’s FA Cup Song To Mock Munich Air Disaster (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Crawley set to play Manchester United in the fifth round of the FA Cup this weekend, a gaggle of the club's supporters banded together to record a tribute song 'A Message To You, Rooney' to commemorate the occasion.

However, the fairly good-humoured atmosphere was spoiled when it came to light that one of the Crawley fans that appeared in the video had spent most of his time making 'aeroplane' gestures in reference to the 1958 Munich Air disaster that killed 23 of United's players and staff.

Moronic Fan Uses Crawley’s FA Cup Song To Mock Munich Air Disaster (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With Crawley Town set to play Manchester United in the fifth round of the FA Cup this weekend, a gaggle of the club's supporters banded together to record a tribute song 'A Message To You, Rooney' to commemorate the occasion.

However, the fairly good-humoured atmosphere was spoiled when it came to light that one of the Crawley fans that appeared in the video had spent most of his time making 'aeroplane' gestures in reference to the 1958 Munich Air disaster that killed 23 of United's players and staff.

West Brom Admit To 29 Failed Striker Bids

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By Chris Wright

West Brom sporting and technical director Dan Ashworth has revealed that the Premier League stragglers made 29, count 'em, 29 bids to sign a striker on loan during January with Carlos Vela's temporary switch from Arsenal the only deal to eventually bear fruit.

US College Goalkeeper Lassi Hurskainen Is Tricksy (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

If this is what it takes to gain entry to Sigma Chi or the equivalent thereof, good luck to Lassi and his tricksy boots. He sure knows how to a) hit a crossbar, and b) throw himself about with boyish enthusiasm.

PS. Can anyone explain to me why the genre of music used on the video is so popular?

Shit Lookalikes: Peter Crouch & ‘Mars Attacks’ Alien

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By Ollie Irish

World-class spot by Daniel Williams. Well played sir.

Misty-Eyed Hugo Lloris ‘Dreams’ About Man Utd Move

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By Chris Wright

Several of today's papers have worked themselves into a frothy tizz over quotes made by Lyon keeper Hugo Lloris, in which the current France No.1 admits that Manchester United (who, as you are probably aware, will be without a first-choice stopper from June of this year) are one of the few clubs that 'make him dream'.

Mathieu Flamini’s Horror Lunge On Vedran Corluka To Go Unpunished (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Whilst UEFA have vowed to probe Milan scrappers Gennaro Gattuso's ill-advised touchline spat (a five-match ban is being tentatively mooted) with Tottenham assistant Joe Jordan in the San Siro last night, it seems that Mathieu Flamini will escape any further punishment for his two-footed, battering ram of a tackle on Spurs defender Vedran Corluka after the Frenchman received a yellow card for his troubles during the game.

Horror Hair: DJ Campbell’s Tiny Moustache

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By Ollie Irish

If you squint, DJ's tiny 'tache looks a tad Hitlerish. Or, less controversially, it's a tonsorial tribute to the late star of sitcom 'Desmond's', Norman Beaton:

More bad hair

‘Where Does Messi Come From?’ – Barcelona Dangle And Wenger Bites

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By Chris Wright

"I'm getting too old for this sh*t!"

It looks like Arsene Wenger has taken the bait and reacted to the claims made by Joan Laporta yesterday, in which the ex-Barca president told anyone who would listen that his former club would see the signing of Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas as 'justice' after the Gunners 'fished' him from their youth ranks back in 2003.

Barca Toons Storm London Ahead Of Arsenal Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Catch the train to London, stopping at Rejection, Disappointment, Backstabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway."

A couple of things.

Firstly, are Barcelona insinuating that Arsenal are merely going to turn up and simply 'park the Limousine' at the Emirates tonight?

Gattuso 0-1 The Internet

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By Ollie Irish

Click to enlarge...

...

Messing with Joe Jordan? Gattuso is bloody crackers.

And what a brilliant, disciplined performance by Tottenham. As I tweeted earlier, Milan were awful like a better-looking Stoke City.

Football GIF: Gennaro Gattuso Dares To Headbutt Joe Jordan

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By Ollie Irish

Hypnotic...

...

Mentalist. (Gattuso, I mean.)

Wonder how heavy Uefa will come down on the little Italian? I imagine this was the last time he'll ever walk out to the sound of the Chaaaaaaaampions League theme. Rino's facing a five-match ban, at least.

Who Ate All The Pies Magazine, Issue No.1 – FREE Download!

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By Ollie Irish

The first ever issue of our standalone football magazine is now available as a free digital download FREE, we tells ya!

How do you download it? Just click here, follow the easy instructions and, er, that's all there is to it.

Snapshot: Tottenham Train For Milan Champions League Test

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By Ollie Irish

Tottenham trio William Gallas, Rafael van der Vaart and Peter Crouch train at the San Siro ahead of Tuesday evening's Round of 16 Champions league first-leg match against Milan.

Spurs will be minus Gareth Bale, who hasn't recovered from a niggling back injury.

WAG Watch: Gerard Piqué Confirms Shakira Relationship

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By WAG Watcher

There's a bright new star in the WAG galaxy tonight...

Gerard Piqué has all but confirmed his relationship with pop star Shakira by posting a pic of himself with the Colombian singer on his Facebook page (see above).

Piqué published the photo reportedly as a courtesy to Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola, who thought that persistent rumours in the Spanish and Colombian media about the pair's relationship were affecting the player.

David Luiz Looks A Bit Special

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By Ollie Irish

The verdict on David Luiz's full debut for Chelsea: doubleplusgood. Or: half as much as Fernando Torres, but twice as good.

Portuguese and South American football watchers have been raving about Luiz for the last couple of seasons, and now we can see why at close range.

‘They’re A Bunch Of Foolhardy Brats’ – Raymond Domenech Breaks World Cup Silence

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By Chris Wright

"I say, Patrice. You're a foolhardy brat is what you bloomin' well are!"

Former France coach Raymond Domenech has broken his silence of Les Bleu's capitulation at last summer's South African World Cup, lambasting the squad as a 'bunch of foolhardy brats'.

Top 10 Premier League Photos, 12-14 Feb. 2011

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By Ollie Irish

Ten pictures. What's that, 10,000 words? My work here is done...

Wazza Rooney scores the greatest goal of his career, to win the Manc derby on Saturday lunchtime.

This guy! Robin van Persie pays tribute to an assist by teammate Theo Walcott.

Dimitar Berbatov Set For Fresh, £175k-A-Week Contract

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By Chris Wright

"Yippee!"

The Daily Mirror (plus a couple of other sources) seem fairly sure that Manchester United are about to hand their cameo artiste extraordinaire, Dimitar Berbatov, a whopping new three-year, £175,000-a-week contract at some point during the next few weeks a deal that will eventually be worth around £25 million to the languid Bulgarian in return for his 19-goal haul this season.

Shit Lookalikes: Wayne Bridge & Sky Broadband Ad Guy

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By Ollie Irish

Wayne Bridge is some football guy reduced to playing for West Ham.

Sky Broadband ad guy is some actor guy reduced to doing Sky Broadband ads.

Email your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or send a Tweet

Carlo Ancelotti Defends ‘You Know Who’ After Fulham Stalemate

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti has lept to the defence of Fernando Torres, after the pricey striker again struggled to find a foothold for his new side against Fulham last night, eight days after after singularly failing to convince on his debut against former club Liverpool.

Ronaldo Fights The Tears As He Announces His Retirement (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies brought you the news yesterday that the original (and best) Ronaldo has decided to hang up his old R9′s with immediate effect at the age of 34.

The Brazilian legend announced his retirement at press conference at Corinthians' HQ yesterday and, with his two sons by his side, he struggled to stave off the tears as he spoke emotionally about finally accepting that he had 'lost the fight with his body'.

‘Poaching Fabregas Would Be Justice’ – Ex-Barca Chief Joan Laporta

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By Chris Wright

Ex-Barcelona honcho Joan Laporta has claimed that 'justice' will have been done if and/or when Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas makes his move back to the Camp Nou.

*sigh*

Laporta is quoted in this morning's Daily Mirror as saying:

"The English come here to go 'fishing'.

‘If You’re A Great Player There Is Money Everywhere’ – Zlatan Explains Man City Snub

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By Chris Wright

Once the heroically brazen ego-vacuum that is Zlatan Ibramihovic decided that he had graced Spanish minnows Barcelona with far too much of his precious time and precocious talent last summer, he began to tout loan offers from other clubs clubs in dire need of a fresh burst of 'Zlatanation'.

Pundit Mike Summerbee Reacts Rather Bitterly After Manchester Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Personally, I didn't give a monkey's who won Saturday's Manchester derby but, even for me, City legend Mike Summerbee's one-eyed analysis of the game is almost painfully cringe-inducing to watch...

Simple as that.

Gareth Bale Doesn’t Fly, Will Definitely Miss AC Milan Clash

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By Chris Wright

All the pink tape in all the world can't hold Gareth Bale together this time

Tottenham have confirmed this afternoon that Gareth Bale will definitely not be reproduce a repeat of his one-man Milanese demolition job against AC Milan on Tuesday night, as the Welsh winger has not travelled to Italy with the rest of the squad for Spurs' Champions League second-round clash after failing to recover from a back injury.

Ten Amazing Overhead Kicks To Rival Wayne Rooney (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

No wiff-waff, no spiel, just 10 superb 'overhead kick' goals to rival that of Wayne Rooney's fantastic flying shinner against Man City t'other day...

In no particular order...

10. Ronaldinho Barcelona vs Villarreal, 2006:

Back when he were fab.

Carlton Cole And His Strangely Massive Lip (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In the process of scoring in West Ham's spirited, Scott Parker-inspired comeback against West Brom on Saturday, Carlton Cole bust his lip wide open.

Thankfully the medical staff at The Hawthorns were apparently able to patch over the wound with a 3lb lump of raw veal in time for Cole's post-match interview.

‘We Don’t Have To Worry About Barcelona’ – Cesc Fabregas

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By Chris Wright

Hours after Jack Wilshere concocted his evil plan to usurp Barcelona on Wednesday night, Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas has gone on record as saying that his side shouldn't get hung up on Barca's obvious footballing superiority and just 'play without fear'.

French Amateurs Mulhouse Flunk Rubbish Set-Piece (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You can just tell French amateur side Mulhouse put hours of hard graft in on the training ground in order to perfect this pearler of a set-piece...

Err, lads. I think you may have forgotten something.

Video via Globo Esporte.

Shit Lookalikes: Raul Meireles & Andre Agassi

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By Ollie Irish

Meireles is everyone's favourite hipster box-to-box midfielder.

Agassi is everyone's favourite wig-wearing tennis legend/crystal meth user.

As spotted by our friends at The Seventy Two.

Email your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

The ‘Original’ Ronaldo Announces Immediate Retirement

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By Chris Wright

Déjà vu is never a nice thing to have first thing on a Monday morning.

Roughly a calendar year after announcing his retirement the first time round, Brazilian legend Ronaldo has confirmed that he is now retiring from the game with immediate effect, after finally admitting defeat in his long-standing battle against dodgy knee ligaments, niggling injuries and cakes.

Jack Wilshere Urges Arsenal To Be ‘A Bit Nasty’ Against Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal whippersnapper Jack Wilshere has admitted that his side may have to embrace football's dark arts and be 'a bit nasty' if they are to upstage Barcelona in the Champions League on Wednesday night, after the Catalans well and truly spanked them (Barca won 6-3 on aggregate) at the quarter-final stage of last year's competition.

‘Choco Jocko’ – Richard Keys Racist Remark Surfaces, Kills His Career (Again)

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By Ollie Irish

"Some of my best friends are black women..."

Richard Keys' modus operandi: Casual. Smart casual, casual sexism and – to complete the set – casual racism.

It seems someone at Sky is really out to harpoon Keys' career (or what's left of it), after audio of him calling former Ipswich and Nottm Forest striker David Johnson a 'choc jocko' (Johnson is black and was courted by the Scottish FA for a time).

Wayne Rooney Scores Astounding Overhead Kick To Win Manchester Derby (Video & GIF)

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By Ollie Irish

Wayne Rooney scores a monumental winner against Man City. You can shut down the Premier League goal of the season competition now.

Rooney scores surprisingly few wonder goals hmm, his debut goal for Everton v Arsenal, that screamer for United v Newcastle, and a chip against Portsmouth spring to mind.

Match Photos: Man Utd 2-1 Man City

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By Ollie Irish

The best pics from Old Trafford, from a Manchester derby that will forever be remembered for its winning goal.

Wayne Rooney Scores Astounding Overhead Kick To Win Manchester Derby (Video & GIF)

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being Gary Neville

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By Ollie Irish

A pictorial tribute to Manchester's finest, the one, the only G-Nev...

"I will leave United one day..."

"Then you're dead to me already."

F**k this – I could be training for United right now.

I really can't hold this smile for much longer.

Win A Pair Of Umbro GT Football Boots Signed By Darren Bent

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By Ollie Irish

Benty in his new Umbro diamond clobber

We have one pair of lime-green Umbro GT football boots (pictured below) to give away to one lucky Pies reader, courtesy of our pals at Umbro. Even better, the boots are signed by England and Aston Villa striker Darren Bent.

West Ham Win Olympic Stadium Race

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By Ollie Irish

West Ham's vibrant new manor? Or a huge, half-empty white elephant?

It's official: West Ham United have been confirmed as the bid of choice to take over the 60,000-capacity Olympic Stadium in Stratford after London 2012.

The Olympic Park Legacy Company (clunky acronym: OPLC) announced that the Irons (running track) have beaten Spurs (f**k the running track) in the race to move into the stadium.

Pies Prediction League: Week 22

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By Ollie Irish

Been too busy to update the table. That will have to wait for a week or two and boy am I looking forward to updating it. Anyway, enough about me...

Week 22

Lawro says:

Man Utd 1-1 Man City
Arsenal 2-0 Wolves
Birmingham 1-1 Stoke
Blackburn 1-2 Newcastle
Blackpool 1-2 Aston Villa
Liverpool 2-0 Wigan
West Brom 2-1 West Ham
Sunderland 0-2 Tottenham
Bolton 1-1 Everton
Fulham 1-1 Chelsea

Pies says:

Man Utd 0-1 Man City
Arsenal 3-1 Wolves
Birmingham 1-1 Stoke
Blackburn 2-0 Newcastle
Blackpool 1-2 Aston Villa
Liverpool 2-1 Wigan
West Brom 0-0 West Ham
Sunderland 1-1 Tottenham
Bolton 1-1 Everton
Fulham 1-3 Chelsea

You say?

Italian Amateur Force-Feeds Referee His Own Whistle, Banned For 20 Months

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By Chris Wright

"Mmm, tastes like chicken"

Andrea Biondi, who plays (or used to play) for Florence-based amateur side Albereta '72, has been banned for 20 long months for the paltry crime of trying to force-feed a referee his own whistle.

West Ham’s Olympic Stadium Dream/Nightmare (Delete Where Applicable)

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By Don Gold

With West Ham winning the race to move into the Olympic Stadium, the club's vice chairman Karren Brady this week outlined her dream of what their first game in their new home might be like.

But the trouble with dreams is that you never know whether they'll turn out to be nightmares.

Leo Messi Photo Opportunity Ruined By ‘Trouser Malfunction’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Lionel Messi makes it through the arrivals lounge at Barcelona airport despite apparently being tailed by one of Scaramanga's evil henchman, only to be accosted by a man seeking a photo with his trousers around his ankles...

Smooth.

Man City Groundsman Forced To Close ‘Offensive’ Facebook Account

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City's groundsman of 15 years, one Ged Coyne, has been forced by the club to delete his 'MrManchestercity' Facebook account after posting a flurry of 'offensive' messages aimed squarely at rivals Manchester United.

A City spokesman said:

"The member of staff in question regrets posting the material and removed it immediately.

West Brom Appoint Roy Hodgson As Head Coach

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By Chris Wright

Well bugger me! Just when it looked like former Chris Hughton was all but set to make a return to top-flight management, West Brom have gone and announced the appointment of Roy Hodgson as their new head coach instead.

A statement posted on the club's official website reads:

"West Bromwich Albion are delighted to announce they have appointed Roy Hodgson as the club's new head coach.

‘We Were Sh*t!’ – Daniel Agger Sums Up Liverpool Under Roy Hodgson

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By Chris Wright

Daniel Agger (he of 'monstrous tattoo' fame) has issued a frank and honest assessment of Roy Hodgson's brief tenure at Liverpool, admitting that they were 'sh*t' for the first six months of the current season.

When asked to fathom Fernando Torres' decision to jump ship to Chelsea on transfer deadline day, Agger replied:

"That is a big question, isn't it?

Stuart Pearce Interested In Olympic Coach Role

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By Chris Wright

England U21 coach Stuart Pearce has thrown his hat into the ring and admitted his interest in coaching a prospective Great Britain team at next year's Olympic games.

Pearce told the Times:

"The Olympics don't come around very often in our country.

David Beckham Descends From Heaven, Rescues Stranded Motorist

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By Chris Wright

Upon spotting a knackered Nissan Primera stranded in the middle of the A10 yesterday morning, Saint David Beckham of Leytonstone was only too eager to lend a helping hand.

Mr Paul Long, owner of said Nissan, described to BBC Radio the moment that the clouds parted, choirs of angels burst into voice and Beckham swung low from his seat in heaven to mop the fevered brow of a mere mortal:

"We were on the A10 roundabout, which was pretty dangerous, and had been stuck there for about 10 minutes.

Blackburn Reveal Failed January Bid For Luis Fabiano

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn have revealed that the club failed in a bid to prise Brazilian striker Luis Fabiano away from Sevilla.during January.

A spokesman for the club told the Lancashire Evening Telegraph:

"We did talk with Sevilla about Luis Fabiano.

Football Snapshot: Daniel Agger Shows-Off Huge ‘Viking Graveyard’ Back Tattoo, vs England

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By Chris Wright

Oodles of disposable income + vast swathes of free time to fill =

Impressive. Shit, but impressive. Lets hope he got the spell-checker involved before committing.

Shit Lookalikes: Samir Nasri & The ‘Clean And Clear’ Girl

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By Chris Wright

Nasri is a Lesbi-esque Arsenal midfielder who apparently won his battle against acne at some point in the early 1990′s.

Send your Shit Lookalikes spots to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just drop him a Tweet.

Newcastle Sign Veteran Striker Shefki Kuqi, Meh

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle United have announced the signing of former Swansea frontman Shefki Kuqi on a short-term deal until the end of the season.

Kuqi will now go straight into Newcastle's squad for Saturday's Premier League trip to Blackburn (one of his 12 former clubs) to provide bare-bones cover for Nile Ranger, Peter Lovenkrands and Leon Best.

Denmark 1-2 England: How Was It For You?

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By Chris Wright

Whereas it's easy to dismiss them as being futile exhibitions of nothing in particular, international friendlies do serve a purpose they provide a platform for experimentation in a competitive (if not by name) atmosphere, and afford national managers the stage to tinker with the personnel at their disposal with the safety net of being assured that the outcome will be completely non-decisive.

Wesley Sneijder Scores Sumptuous Volley, vs Austria (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Holland eased to a 3-1 victory over Austria in their international friendly last night thanks to goals from Dirk Kuyt, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and this superbly deft first-time effort from Mr Wesley Sneijder...

Ballon d'Or? What Ballon d'Or?

West Brom Set To Appoint Chris Hughton

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By Chris Wright

Word reaching Pies this morning is that West Brom are all but set to swear in Chris Hughton as Roberto Di Matteo's replacement later today, after the former Newcastle boss held talks with the Baggies' board last night.

The Birmingham Mail are also reporting that an unidentified 'hitch' brought a premature halt to the negotiations, but that all parties are hopeful of ironing out any kinks by this evening.

Airport Customs Destroy £6,000 ‘Trezeguet’ World Cup Final Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to the hyper-sensitive times in which we live, the shirt worn by striker David Trezeguet during France's 1998 World Cup win over Brazil has been destroyed by airport officials.

Les Bleus fan Olivier Demolis bought the shirt off eBay for over £6,000 (€7,350 to be precise), only for customs workers to burn the shirt to cinders on it's arrival in France after mistaking it for a counterfeit knock-off, due to a stretch of dodgy-looking stitching.

Shit Kits: Leyton Orient’s Acclaim Home Kit, 1995-96

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By Ollie Irish

Manufactured by Olympic – a guarantee of shitness, as I recall – this Orient 'pixels' home kit (the pixelated design was a nod to sponsors Acclaim) is a classic example of why the 1990s dominates any list of terrible football kits.

John Carew Unveils New Neck Tattoo – ‘My Life, My Menstruation’

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By Chris Wright

The keen-eyed amongst you may have noticed that Stoke striker John Carew unveiled some fresh ink not so very long ago, though you may not have spotted the rather embarrassing spelling mistake that lies therein.

The big Norwegian has had a tattoo on his neck that reads 'Ma Vie, Mes Régles' which theoretically should translate (Babelfish approved) as 'My Life, My Rules'.

Top 10 Football Andys

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By Ollie Irish

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

10. Andy Mutch - Wolves legend who formed a formidable strike partnership with Steve Bull.

Top 10 football Garys

Top 10 football Alans

Top 10 football Brians

Top 10 football Stanleys

David May Cancels Party To ‘Celebrate’ Man City’s 35th Year Without Silverware

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By Chris Wright


United's City-baiting Stretford End 'clock' banner

Former Man Utd medal harvester David May is planning a party in the city centre on the eve of the upcoming Manchester derby (this Saturday), which he has described as a 'celebration' of Man City's 35th year without a trophy.

Bobby Zamora Scores On Fulham Return, Still A Month From Full Fitness

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let y'all know that, after six months out with a broken leg, Bobby Zamora made his Fulham comeback last night and marked his return with a goal in a reserve team match against his former side Brighton.

Zamora is now due to return to first-team action in around three-to-four weeks' time, after shattering his fibula against Wolves back in September of last year.

Roque Santa Cruz Records Song For Own Children’s Foundation … It Sucks

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By Ollie Irish

We're happy to help plug the admirable Roque Santa Cruz Foundation, which aims to help underprivileged kids, especially in Roque's native Paraguay. One condition, though: Please don't make us listen to 'Let your love shine' ever again. Thanks.

Inverness Striker Adam Rooney Delivers The FAIL Motherload (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oh deary me. Oh deary, deary me...

It's like watching a new-born foal trying to make it's way across a frozen pond.

Someone should put Inverness Caley Thistle in touch with Marlon de Jesus' agent stat! Even he'd have stuck that one away, and that's saying something because he's utterly sh*te!

Bobby Zamora Scores On Fulham Return, Still Three Weeks From Full Fitness

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let y'all know that, after six months out with a broken leg, Bobby Zamora made his Fulham comeback last night and marked his return with a goal in a reserve team match against his former side Brighton.

Zamora is now due to return to first-team action in around three weeks' time, after shattering his fibula against Wolves back in September of last year.

Newcastle Target Truly Awful Andy Carroll Replacements

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By Chris Wright

As I'm sure you're aware, Andy Carroll's eleventh-hour deadline day switch to Liverpool left Newcastle with £35 million to plug the gap left in their front-line by the bruising striker and about an hour or so to do it in.

As a result (and coupled with a face-mashing injury to Shola Ameobi), Toon are a little on 'short' side up top these days, with manager Alan Pardew left to scour the post-deadline free market in order to replenish his attacking options.

Liverpool top of the Premiership tweeting league

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An iffy start to the season might mean that the Premiership title is beyond Liverpool, but the Red half of Merseyside are at least top of one league the country's top footballing tweeters. Barclays has analysed Twitter traffic using Sysomos' Media Analysis Platform (MAP)Â to see which teams and which cities were the centre of the Twitter-sphere throughout January, and found that when it comes to expressing themsleves in 140 charactars the Scousers come out top.

Fabio Capello Continues To Heap Expectation On Jack Wilshere

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By Chris Wright

A week or so after proclaiming him to be the future of English football, the best young player in the known universe, the new (but slower) Claude Makelele and the saviour of everything that is good and holy, England manager Fabio Capello has ladled yet more crushing expectation onto Jack Wilshere's young shoulders by directly comparing him to some of the greatest players to have ever graced the game.

‘Cesc Fabregas Deal Is Dead For Now’ – Barcelona Chief Raul Sanllehi

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona director Raul Sanllehi has taken time out of his hectic schedule to reveal to the waking world that the Catalan club currently have no plans to launch another bid for Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas isn't that good of him?

Sanllehi blabbed to Sky Sports News:

"Cesc is a great Catalan player.

Pep Guardiola Agrees New Barcelona Contract Until June 2012

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By Ollie Irish

Barcelona gaffer Josep 'Pep' Guardiola has agreed a new contract with the club. And why not – the former Spain midfielder, who played with great distinction as a holding midfielder for Barcelona for more than a decade, could hardly have done better since he took over at Camp Nou in 2008; he's the Mourinho it's OK to like.

Richard Keys And Andy Gray To Host New TalkSport Show

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By Ollie Irish

The charming double act we know as Keysy and Graysy – or those sexist bastards – have been hired by TalkSport, in what the radio station calls a "sensational coup". How fitting that a company with the brilliantly Ronseal slogan, "For men who like to talk sport", should provide a comfortable – and natural – home for the disgraced pair.

Goal Of The Weekend: Cheik Tiote Completes Newcastle’s Miracle Comeback Against Arsenal (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Tiote's stunning equaliser was the beautiful cherry on top of a game that will be talked about for years to come. The 24-year-old Ivorian, who arrived in England from FC Twente last summer, has proved to be one of the signings of the season.

Frank Lampard Handed England Armband For Denmark Friendly

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By Chris Wright

Fabio Capello has confirmed that Frank Lampard will captain England when they take on Denmark in a friendly tomorrow evening deputising in the absence of injured pair Rio Ferdinand and Steven Gerrard.

Capello also addressed concerns over Lampard's fitness, branding the Chelsea stalwart as one of the 'freshest' players in the current squad, also adding that Arsenal youngster Jack Wilshere is due to partner him in the centre of the England midfield and that Aston Villa new-boy Darren Bent will lead the line in Copenhagen.

Top 10 Premier League Photos: 5-6 February 2011

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By Ollie Irish

We present the best images from a quite astonishing weekend of Premier League football:

Aston Villa's new loan signing Michael Bradley is paraded at Villa Park prior to kick-off against Fulham. Cheer up, Mike.

Manchester City captain Carlos Tevez celebrates completing his hat-trick from the penalty spot.

Shit Lookalikes: Luis Suarez & A Bumphead Parrotfish

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By Ollie Irish

Suarez is a centre-forward who plays for Liverpool.

A bumphead parrotfish is a fish with a bumpy head.

Spotted by James Sinnott. We'll have some of what he's having.

Email your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

How Much More Unlikable Can Arsenal Get?

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By Alex Netherton

Liverpool have a history of near-hysterical levels of imagined persecution and self-mythologising. Everybody knows they had the chippiest fans of all the top teams. Now they're not a top team, so who's next? Given the actions of the past few years and particularly the last few weeks, it has to be Arsenal.

Fabrizio Miccoli Bursts Into Tears After Scoring, vs Lecce (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Palermo striker Fabrizio Miccoli singularly fails to hold back the flood after netting a wonderfully whipped free-kick against his boyhood club Lecce...

Having scored against the love of his life, Miccoli then had to be substituted at half-time with Rosanero coach Delio Rossi telling journalists that the diminutive forward was 'absolutely inconsolable' at the though of 'injuring' Lecce's survival chances.

Football GIF: El Hadji Diouf Scythed Down On Rangers Debut

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By Ollie Irish

Neil Warnock paid a lot of money for this...

Just as beautiful as any Xavi pass or Ronaldo free-kick, I'm sure you'll agree.

And the satirical version:

Snipers!

Any other business: Diouf's new hairstyle, which echoes Jermain Defoe's ill-judged Wembley arch.

Kenny Dalglish ‘Almost Certain’ To Take Liverpool Job

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool owner John W Henry has given the clearest hint to date that current interim Kenny Dalglish will be handed the full-time manager's role at the end of the season, after claiming that the Scot is the most 'beloved sportsman' he has ever had the pleasure of working with.

Diego Fined €100k For Penalty Miss, Steve McClaren Then Sacked By Wolfsburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

1.) A goal down against Hannover, Wolfsburg midfielder Diego tumbles in the area and wins his side an 80th-minute penalty.

2.) Diego then wrestles the ball away from Wolfsburg manager Steve McClaren's designated penalty taker namely deadline day signing Patrick Helmes as the Brazilian is unsure of who Helmes actually is.

Cristiano Ronaldo Breaks Ferenc Puskas’ Real Madrid Scoring Record (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Cristiano Ronaldo's brace against Real Sociedad on Sunday evening saw him draw level with Barcelona's Lionel Messi at the top of the La Liga scoring charts with 24 goals and also saw him usurp the great Ferenc Puskas as the fastest Real Madrid player to reach 50 league goals.

‘I Won’t Lie, I Want Champions League Football’ – Pepe Reina Angles For Man Utd Move?

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By Chris Wright

When questioned directly about the rumours linking him with Edwin van der Sar's soon-to-vacant lot at Manchester United during an interview with a Spanish radio station, Liverpool 'keeper Pepe Reina tiptoed around the subject, refusing to rule out a move to Old Trafford during the off-season.

Nicklas Bendtner Deserves His Huge Wages For Giving Up Skiing

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal striker Nicky Bendtner believes that the £52,000 he earns on a weekly basis is perfectly justified, chiefly because of the skiing jaunts his chosen profession causes him to miss:

"Somehow I believe that we must be worth our salaries because that is how the mechanism of society works.

The Football Snapshot: Theo Walcott Talks A Good Game, Ahead Of Denmark Friendly

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By Ollie Irish

Rabbit in the headlights: England winger Theo Walcott answers questions during a press conference at the Grove Hotel, London.

England play Denmark on Wednesday evening in a friendly in Copenhagen Walcott insists he's taking the match seriously.

Diego Fined €100k And Steve McClaren Sacked After Botched Penalty (Video)

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By Chris Wright

1.) A goal down against Hannover, Wolfsburg midfielder Diego tumbles in the area and wins his side an 80th-minute penalty.

2.) Diego then wrestles the ball away from Wolfsburg manager Steve McClaren's designated penalty taker namely deadline day signing Patrick Helmes as the Brazilian is unsure of who Helmes actually is.

Benni McCarthy ‘Fat Fines’ Reach £200,000 Mark

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By Chris Wright

"And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint"

According to this morning's Daily Mail, West Ham's portly striker Benni McCarthy has now seen his 'fat fines' breach the £200,000 barrier after having his wages docked for a fifth time for failing to meet the club's 2.

Salvador Cabanas Trains With Bullet Lodged In His Brain (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember the desperate plight of Salvador Cabanas, the former Club America striker that was shot in the head from close range in a Mexico City bar back in January of last year?

Almost an exact calendar year after the near-fatal shooting took place, Cabanas has miraculously taken to the field again training with Paraguayan club Libertad with the bullet still lodged deep in the back of his brain.

Kenny Dalglish Coy On Future After Chelsea Smash-And-Grab

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool's interim messiah Kenny Dalglish is remaining coy on the prospect of being handed the job on a full-time basis, despite growing clamour from the club's supporters.

Thanks to Maxi Rodriguez's tidy close-range finish a deceptively effortless close-range swipe from the in-form Raul Meireles, Liverpool left Stamford Bridge with all three points last night, with their fourth straight victory seeing them climb to sixth in the Premier League table though Dalglish is refusing to get carried away just yet:

"I'm only doing what I said I would come in and do, which is help.

Ecuador Striker Misses Two Gaping Sitters In A Week (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ecuador U20 striker Marlon de Jesus has a heavenly name, but unfortunately that's where the celestial parallels end...

...an absolute howler I'm sure you'll agree, which incidentally came just four days after this utter stinker (0:37 mark) against Argentina's youth side.

Chelsea May Recoup Fernando Torres Transfer Fee In Shirt Sales Alone

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By Chris Wright

Lovely colour, but does it burn easily?

According to the Daily Mirror, Chelsea are set to recoup the whopping £50 million they splashed out on old 'Dodgy Hamstrings McGraw' on Monday in a matter of months, thanks to a massive surge in sales of 'Torres' replica shirts in the West London area.

FIFA Finally Agree To Test Goal-Line Technology

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By Chris Wright

FIFA have announced that they plan to conduct tests into ten different proposals for goal-line technology systems which, if successful, should be implemented when the IFAB (essentially football's law-makers) meet again in March of this year.

Liverpool Officially Unveil Their New Strike Force (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Ma boys!"

Such was the whirlwind nature of Liverpool's deadline day dealings, both Andy Carroll and Luis Suarez had to be officially 'unveiled' at Anfield a day after the latter had actually made his debut against Stoke!

More pics of King Kenny's brand-spanking new strike-force draped in Liverpool red.

Pies Prediction League: Week 21

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By Chris Wright

"I see...two goals...for the bigger club"

The bloody humongous table will be updated upon Ollie's return!

Week 21

Lawro says:

Aston Villa 2-1 Fuham
Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool
Everton 2-0 Blackpool
Man City 2-0 West Brom
Newcastle 0-2 Arsenal
Stoke 2-0 Sunderland
Tottenham 2-0 Bolton
Wigan 1-1 Blackburn
Wolves 0-2 Man Utd
West Ham 2-1 Birmingham

Pies says:

Aston Villa 1-1 Fuham
Chelsea 1-0 Liverpool
Everton 2-2 Blackpool
Man City 4-1 West Brom
Newcastle 1-3 Arsenal
Stoke 2-1 Sunderland
Tottenham 1-0 Bolton
Wigan 1-2 Blackburn
Wolves 2-3 Man Utd
West Ham 2-1 Birmingham

You say?

Chelsea Plot Summer Sale – Five Big Names Face The Chop

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By Chris Wright

According to ramblings in this morning's Sun, Chelsea are gearing up for a hefty summer clear-out to help 'balance the books' (if that's possible when you're owned by an oil-swathed Russian oligarch) after their monolithic, record-obliterating deadline day splurge.

‘When I Left Liverpool, It Was Like I’d Killed Someone’ – Javier Mascherano

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona pine-warmer Javier Mascherano has criticised former club Liverpool for the way in which they handled both his and Fernando Torres' recent exits claiming that when he left the club under a self-engineered cloud last summer, he was made to feel as though he had 'killed someone'.

Cristian Chivu Belts Marco Rossi In The Face, Gets Away With It (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Inter Milan nutbox Christian Chivu delivers the old 'Romanian Rochambeau' square into Bari defender Marco Rossi's visage and gets away with it scot-free (though not for very long, one presumes)...

You'd think for a man who had to get the two halves of his head stitched back together not so very long ago, Chivu might be a little more careful about his on-field conduct these days.

RIP Neil Young – Man City’s 1969 FA Cup Hero Loses Cancer Battle, Aged 66

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By Chris Wright

Man City legend Neil Young, seen here rounding a young Peter Shilton

When the Manchester City fans donned black and red shirts and all turned their backs on the action for the 24th minute of the recent FA Cup tie with Leicester, it was all in memory of Neil Young's FA Cup-winning strike in 1969 against the same club.

Ronaldinho Gets Tricky In Flamengo Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

I realise this is the second 'Ronaldinho mucks around in training' video Pies has featured in the space of a fortnight (this way for the first), but it's surely not humanly possible to tire of watching Ronny's particular line of nonchalant joga bonito in action.

Care To Vote In The Premier League’s Surreal New Poll?

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By Chris Wright

You know you're moving in high circles when an otherwise simple poll takes you four days of opium-induced hallucination to figure out...

So, who's it going win on Saturday? Newcastle, no-one or...Sunday?

Hmmm, I think that's one for the hookah-smoking caterpillar.

Micah Richards Takes Flight, Knocks Himself Out (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during Manchester City's 2-2 with Birmingham last night, defender Micah 'Icarus' Richards shoots for the moon and unfortunately lands in a hospital bed via the back of Nigel de Jong's cranium...

What an impressive leap that Richards boy has on him!

‘Fabregas Is The Victim Of A Witch Hunt’ – Arsene Wenger

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By Chris Wright

"F**k you, you f**king f**k-faced f**ker!"

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has claimed that his captain, Cesc Fabregas, has been made the subject of a witch hunt over the 'unrepeatable comments' he may or may not have made to the match officials at half-time during the Gunners' 2-1 win over Everton at the Emirates on Tuesday evening.

‘Mr Man Utd’ Gary Neville Announces Retirement, Aged 35

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By Chris Wright

Gary Neville has confirmed that, after making 602 appearances for Manchester United over the course of an illustrious 20-year one-club career, he is to retire from football with immediate effect.

With Giggs and Scholes plodding on at Old Trafford, Becks still harbouring dreams of World Cup glory, Nicky Butt banging them in for fun out in Hong Kong and brother Phil still skippering Everton, Neville becomes the first of Sir Alex Ferguson's oft-lauded 'kids' to call time on their career with a recent string of debilitating injuries (he's only played 33 times in the last four years) eventually proving to be insurmountable for the 35-year-old stalwart.

Emmanuel Adebayor Scores 5000th Real Madrid Goal, vs Sevilla (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite only entering the fray in the 84th minute, Emmanuel Adebayor instantly endeared himself to the Real Madrid support by thudding home a clinical volley on his Bernabeu debut notching the landmark 5000th home goal scored by the prestigious club (Jose Giralt scored the first back in 1903)
in the process.

FA Agree Settlement With Dean Ashton Over Career-Ending Injury

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By Chris Wright

The Football Association have agreed an out-of-court settlement with former West Ham striker Dean Ashton over the injury he sustained during an England training session in the summer of 2006 that eventually forced him to retire from the game altogether two-and-a-half years later, aged just 26, in December of 2009.

Retro Football: George Best’s Fashion Boutique In Manchester

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By Ollie Irish

January 1970: The great George Best stands in front of his fashion boutique in Bridge Street, Manchester. Best opened the shop in 1967, in partnership with Mike Summerbee.

When did football lose its cool?

Matt Lucas Guests On The Cesc Fabregas Show (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

A teaser for Cesc's latest Nike wheeze...

I know that Little Britain's Matt Lucas is a big fan of Arsenal; I did not know that Cesc Fabregas is a big fan of Benny Hill.

Spotter's badge: @dunmowkid

WAG Watch: Mario Balotelli In ‘Intense’ Relationship With Model Sara Tommasi

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By WAG Watcher

Word reaches us, via our man in Italy, that Man City slacker Mario Balotelli is hanging out the back of in an "intense" relationship with sultry model-turned-actress Sara Tomassi (Ronaldinho's ex). Tomassi at work:

No comment.

Newcastle United’s 2011 Club Calendar Is Brilliantly Out Of Date

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By Ollie Irish

As Newcastle fans woke up on February 1st and turned the page on their official NUFC 2011 calendar, who did they see...

In the bin with it.

Thanks to Pies reader Shane for the spot.

Luka Modric Sidelined After Appendix Surgery, Doubt For AC Milan Clash

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have confirmed that midfielder Luka Modric will be sidelined for a fortnight after undergoing an operation to remove his flared appendix last night, meaning that the Croatian is highly unlikely to be available to face AC Milan in the Champions League on February 15th.

Top 10 January Window Transfers In The Premier League

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By Ollie Irish

Any room for £35m man Andy Carroll? Er, no...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

10. Sergei Kornilenko - Belarus striker snapped up by Blackpool on loan from Zenit St Petersburg. He's an experienced international who should give 'Pool more punch up front.

Are Everton About To Sack David Moyes?

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By Chris Wright

Odds are crashing left, right and centre and the Twittersphere is rife (it could just be one of these 'Twitter Bombs' I've heard so much about) with speculation that Everton and manager David Moyes are set to part company before the end of the day.

Sky Bet are currently rating the odds on Moyes' possible departure as 'evens', after apparently taking a 'flurry of bets' on the eyebrow-less Scot walking by close of play tonight.

Rio Ferdinand’s Giant Mouth Will Consume Us All

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By Ollie Irish

Nom nom nom. Nom.

...

An interior shot:

Salomon Kalou Nails The 7/10 Split, vs Sunderland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If he were a 10-pin bowler, Chelsea's Salomon Kalou would be world class...

As it turns out, he's an absolute wet-lettuce of a professional footballer.

For the record, Chelsea eventually ran out as 4-2 winners over Sunderland, with Kalou somehow getting his name on the scoresheet yet again despite having a physical constitution akin to that of cooked vermicelli.

Anders Lindegaard Is Quite Skilful For A Goalkeeper (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

OK, Man Utd's Swedish keeper is hardly Ronaldinho, but it shows that keepers have come a long, long way from the days of Bill 'Fatty' Foulke...

Luis Suarez Given Go-Ahead To Make Liverpool Debut Tonight

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By Chris Wright


Liverpool have announced that their record (for a couple of hours) £22.8 million signing Luis Suarez has received international clearance and will be available to make his debut for the club in tonight's Premier League tie with Stoke at Anfield.

Samir Nasri Set To Sign New Five-Year Arsenal Contract

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By Chris Wright

"You can leave your snood on!"

It would appear that Samir Nasri is on the verge of signing a new five-year contract extension at Arsenal, with the Sun adding that the deal is almost certain to land the lesbi-esque French tyro with a guaranteed weekly wage of £75,000.

Yet Another John Terry Sex Pest Gag

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By Ollie Irish

Also see: Fernando Torres' move to Chelsea broke down after John Terry failed to agree terms with Torres' wife. (Har-di-har.)

And this. Always this

‘Where’s The Logic?’ – Arsene Wenger Rails At Chelsea Spending

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has criticised Chelsea for openly supporting UEFA's imminent financial fair play rules (they don't come into play until 2012/'13), while still managing to haemorrhage nearly £75 million on transfer deadline day the very same day that the club posted losses of £70 million pertaining to their previous, double-winning campaign (2009/'10).

Tottenham Confirm £35m Deadline Bid For Giuseppe Rossi

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has continued with his customary post-deadline day 'the chairman nearly did a deal for x,y and z' palava, claiming that the club lodged a late £35 million bid for Villarreal striker Giuseppe Rossi.

Redknapp told the PA:

"(Spurs chairman) Daniel Levy always said that if we found the right player then we would have gone for him but it was difficult.

Bolton Unsure If They Signed Daniel Sturridge Or Danny Welbeck

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By Chris Wright

Err, that ain't Daniel Sturridge peeps! I think this is what the youth of today would refer to as 'FAIL' or some such nonsense...

Taken from Bolton's official club site.

Tim Wiese Floors Thomas Muller With ‘Kung Fu’ Takedown (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which preening Werder Bremen 'keeper Tim Wiese stops Bayern Munich's Thomas Muller dead in his tracks with a sublimely executed 'spinning roundhouse takedown'...

You've just been Wiese'd my friend!

After just about shaking off his concussion, poor old Muller was then throttled (quite literally!

Andy Carroll’s Newcastle Shirt Will Not Burn (Video)

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By Herman Miller

That is terrible technique. Scousers 1-0 Geordies.

Ledley King Suffers Fresh Injury Blow, Requires Groin Surgery

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By Chris Wright

Another week, another 'Ledley King is falling to bits' update.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has confirmed that his stricken centre-back does now require surgery on the troublesome groin problem that forced the defender to break down during training a couple of weeks ago adding that the 30-year-old defender isn't even close to making a return to the first-team fold.

Ryan Giggs Voted Greatest Manchester United Player Ever

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By Chris Wright

Take that George Best! In your squinty face Paul Scholes! Stick it up your trumpet Eric Cantona!

By virtue of a poll conducted by both Inside United magazine and the club's official website, Ryan Giggs has been voted as Manchester United's greatest ever player.

Fernando Torres Gives First Interview To Chelsea TV (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Fernando Torres delivers his parting shot, which duly plunges like a dagger through the hearts of Liverpool fans everywhere...

Whisper it, but doesn't (a clearly knackered) Nando just look right decked in Chelsea blue?

‘Phil Neville Deadline Bid Was Insulting And Disrespectful’ – David Moyes

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By Chris Wright

Everton manager David Moyes has lambasted Tottenham's £500,000 deadline day offer for club captain Phil Neville as 'surprising, insulting and disrespectful'.

Speaking at a press conference this morning, a particularly peeved Moysie babbled:

"We have had an offer from Tottenham of £250,000 which we received on Saturday afternoon.

‘I’m Gutted, I Was Pushed Out The Door’ – Andy Carroll

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By Chris Wright

A 'gutted' Andy Carroll has reportedly claimed that he was 'pushed out the door' at Newcastle yesterday, despite all and sundry reporting that the 22-year-old had submitted a transfer request to help grease the wheels of his £35 million move to Liverpool.

Tottenham Missed Out On Charlie Adam By Minutes

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By Chris Wright


"The chairman's done a deal..."

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has claimed that he missed out on signing Blackpool schemer Charlie Adam last night by a 'matter of minutes'.

I assume that sound was your jaw hitting the desk?