Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

Marc Van Bommel Sent Off On Milan Serie A Debut (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Van Bommel: it couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. Milan gaffer Allegri is not impressed

News to warm all our hearts: Marc Van Bommel was sent off on his debut for Milan in Serie A, against Catania.

After the game, which Milan won 2-0 (the red card was not too costly) Milan head coach Massimiliano Allegri said Van Bommel will have to learn to adapt to Italian football.

West Brom Confirm Carlos Vela Loan Coup

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By Chris Wright

West Brom have pipped both Bolton and Valencia in the race to sign 21-year-old Arsenal striker Carlos Vela on loan for the rest of the season.

So said Baggies manager Roberto Di Matteo, from under his bountiful, Thunderbird-puppet eyebrows:

"I'd like to officially welcome Carlos, who is an exciting signing for this club.

Liverpool Reject Fernando Torres Exit Request – Chelsea Continue To Hover

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have confirmed that striker Fernando Torres made an official transfer request yesterday afternoon (amidst a flurry of concerted interest from Chelsea), and that the club have also turned the request down – telling the Spaniard that they expect him to honour his long-term contract at Anfield:

"Fernando Torres tonight submitted a written transfer request, which has been rejected by Liverpool.

Liverpool Agree £23m Fee For Luis Suarez – Will He Get Dalglish’s No.7 Shirt?

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By Ollie Irish

"I am ready for the Premier League" – Luis had watched many Stevie G clips on YouTube

Liverpool's hot pursuit of Ajax striker Luis Suarez looks to be over after they agreed a deal worth up to £22.8million.

The 24-year-old Uruguayan has yet to pass a medical and agree personal terms but he is so very close to being a Liverpool player, and it still looks possible that the sale of Nando Torres – who is still unsettled after the Hicks & Gillett affair, and reportedly keen to hear what Chelsea might offer LFC for his services – might fund the purchase of Suarez, and then some.

Benfica Call Off David Luiz Deal With Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

Despite what you may have read on certain websites this morning, Benfica have just confirmed that the prospective £26 million sale of Brazilian defender David Luiz to Chelsea is now off, offski, finito, kaputten sie bitte off.

The Portuguese club have issued a statement this afternoon that reads:

"Negotiations between Benfica and Chelsea FC, with a view to the possible transfer of David Luiz, were concluded today without the parties reaching an agreement.

Retro Football: 10 Brilliant Black-And-White FA Cup Photos

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By Ollie Irish

Ah, you can almost smell the dubbin...

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April 1950: A group of Liverpool fans arrive in London for their team's FA Cup final against Arsenal at Wembley. But they left unhappy, as the Gunners won 2-0.

Tottenham Invalid Jonathan Woodgate Rejects Wolves Loan

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By Chris Wright

Long-term Tottenham absentee Jonathan Woodgate has rejected a move to Wolves, after the West Midlanders made an official approach to take the centre-back on loan until the end of the season earlier today.

Woodgate has made just three Premier League starts since the beginning of last season, after repeatedly succumbing to a niggling groin problem for the past 18 months.

Real Madrid Unveil Emmanuel Adebayor To An Empty Bernabeu (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Compare and contrast.

Cristiano Ronaldo's official Real Madrid unveiling ceremony...

Emmanuel Adebayor's official Real Madrid unveiling ceremony...

One for Manu's colossal ego to work it's way through.

There's also a video available if you, much like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, are blind to images that aren't moving.

Forgotten Wonder Goals: Lucas Licht Scores Once-In-A-Lifetime Golazo

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By Ollie Irish

I can honestly say I'd never seen this astonishing goal until today. Some rummaging down the back of the internet tells me it was scored in 2006 by Argentine defender (!) Lucas Licht, for Gimnasia against Independiente.

Happy 33rd Birthday Jamie Carragher – A Man Of The People, A Man Of Many Faces

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By Ollie Irish

It's Carra's 33rd birthday today. Hats off to a man for all seasons, a man of the people, a man of so many faces...

Confused.

Immensely proud.

Stoic.

Did I leave the gas on?

.

Capello Lauds Jack Wilshere As England’s Saviour – Too Much Too Young?

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By Chris Wright

With 33-year-old Emile Heskey out of the running, 25-year-old Wayne Rooney gradually being found out as the hod carrier he really is, and 21-year-old Theo Walcott seemingly fated to be stuck in 'excited puppy in a waxed hallway' mode for the rest of his career, it's high time for England's next messianic saviour to be identified, burdened accordingly, then smeared into a fine paste under the weight of a nation's monolithically self-important footballing pretensions.

Luis Suarez Impossibly Frustrated At Liverpool No-Deal

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By Ollie Irish

Someone Photoshop a flute or a colossal sandwich in there, please.

Brilliant New Andres Iniesta Nike Ad Puts You Up Close And Personal (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Well played, Mr Nike (or Mrs Nike steady, Keysy!) . Brilliantly filmed, brilliantly edited. Will it make me buy a pair of Nike CTR360s? In a word: no.

Sunderland Hopeful Over Weekend Triple Bagger

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland manager Steve Bruce is confident that he will be able to complete the signings of Sulley Muntari (on loan from Inter Milan) and Stephane Sessegnon (€6 million from PSG) before the weekend is out.

By all accounts, this Sessegnon character is a bit of a scheister, so he may just be worth keeping an eye on if not for purely footballing reasons.

Demba Ba Joins West Ham, Likes To Play ‘Good Passes’

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By Chris Wright

Senegalese striker Demba Ba has completed his move from Hoffenheim to West Ham, joining the club on a three-and-a-half year permanent deal (until June 2014), rather than on loan as was first mooted.

Hoffe manager Ernst Tanner told their official website:

"We are happy we can close the Demba Ba chapter.

Liverpool Knock Back £35m Bid For Fernando Torres – ‘The Player Is Not For Sale’

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By Chris Wright

"I just can't TAKE this crap-ola anymore"

According to those elusive waifs over at the Times, Liverpool have knocked back a £35 million bid from Chelsea for striker Fernando Torres.

The newspaper are claiming that the club contacted them immediately after rebuffing the offer, though no official word has been released by the Anfield PR department as yet.

Chelsea Ready To End £26m David Luiz Debacle

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By Chris Wright

Thank Jesus, Allah, Buddha and all of their other imaginary friends!

One of the more tedious sagas that this current transfer window has spawned is now within spitting distance of reaching it's conclusion, with Benfica confirming that they have accepted and are in the process of finalising an offer (believed to be £26 million) from Chelsea for Brazilian centre-back David Luiz.

GUARDIAN OVERSELLS TRANSFER EXCLUSIVE! Inter To Bid £40m For Gareth Bale This Summer

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By Ollie Irish

Bale: big clubs want him, apparently Arry is scared

The Guardian's sports editor Ian Prior teased the whole of the football Twittersphere with the promise of a "major – and boy do I mean it – football exclusive", to be dispensed today at 5.

You Don’t Know What You’re Doing… Avram Grant Exposed By Birmingham City Comeback

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By Ollie Irish

Grant: decent chap, poor manager

So Uncle Avram has indeed been winging it in English football all this time. West Ham's abject capitulation at St Andrews last night confirmed what many of has had long-suspected: Grant doesn't know what he's doing and admitted as much after the match, saying "I didn't know what to say to them at half-time.

Schalke 04 Wonder Kid Julian Draxler Scores Wonder Goal To Recall Rooney v Arsenal (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Just as good as the goal that Wazza Rooney scored aged 17 to announce himself to the world...

As Clive Tyldo might say: Remember the name – Julian Draxler.

Draxler's wonder goal, scored in the dying moments of extra-time, won the German Cup quarter-final tie for Schalke.

New Nike Brazil Home Kit Features Totally Redundant Green Strip!

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By Ollie Irish

Here's a leaked pic of Brazil's new Nike home shirt (Via Football Shirt Culture), which the South Americans will wear against France in a Nike-approved friendly on 9th February 2011 (as we told you a couple of weeks ago, that's also when the French will debut their ridonkulously expensive new Nike uniform).

Bahia Striker Nets Penalty, Nearly Kills Himself In Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Bahia striker Rafael first earns himself a penalty against Flamengo (thanks to a rather painful looking 'double karate kick' to the visage), tucks the resultant spot-kick away with aplomb, then realising his career will never reach such lofty heights again seeks to end it all there and then with the help of a fortuitously placed flight of stairs.

The Football Hard Man Index No.8: Graeme Souness

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By Roger Domeneghetti

Souness: Begbie with skills

When football was still a contact sport Souness was the complete midfielder. The fact he was one of the most gifted modern-day British footballers is often overlooked as he was also able to unleash tackles of real bite and venom.

The Richard Keys Sexist Football Workout Video

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By WAG Watcher

Those cheeky moles at Sky just released this video, which Richard Keys used to work out to before a Super Sunday...

Sepp Blatter approved this 110%, so in no way can you accuse us of sexist double standards by posting it. No way love.

Top 10 Football Presenters Who Could Replace Richard Keys

Richard Keys Not Being Sexist, In 1991 (Video)

Richard Keys Smashes Own Grave Live On talkSPORT

Manchester United Can Have Sergio Busquets For £130m

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By Chris Wright

After a couple of week's worth of wrangling, gangly midfielder Sergio Busquets has signed a new contract at Barcelona which will bind him to the Catalan club until 2015.

So said the man himself:

"I'm very happy with the renewal of my contract.

Liverpool 1-0 Fulham: Steven Gerrard Goes Nose To Nose With John Pantsil

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By Ollie Irish

Stevie G greets John Pantsil My Lord in the ancient Eskimo fashion. A beautiful gesture.

Mo' pics from Anfield:

Arsenal In ‘Final Talks’ For Hotly-Tipped Croatian Gem

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By Chris Wright

I must admit to a slightly suspect source on this one, but word on Pies Street is that Arsenal have entered into 'final talks' with Dinamo Zagreb this morning over an £8(ish) million deal for highly-rated, 19-year-old right-back Sime Vrsaljko.

Top 10 Football Presenters Who Could Replace Richard Keys

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By Ollie Irish

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James Richardson - AC Jimbo's fans seem desperate for him to take Richard Keys' old job. As much as I too love Richardson's work, he's too irreverent for Sky.

Top 10 Pundits Who Could Replace Andy Gray At Sky Sports

Richard Keys Not Being Sexist, In 1991 (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Would you look at the state of that sweater. In 1991!

Spotter's badge: James Dart

Raul Albiol Pulls Off Incredible Last-Ditch Save, vs Sevilla (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Real Madrid defender Raul Albiol uses every fibre of his physical being to prevent Sevilla striker Luis Fabiano's goal-bound effort from trundling across the line...

What's 'by the skin of your teeth' in Spanish?

For the record, Madrid eventually ran out as 1-0 winners thanks to a nifty goal from Karim Benzema.

Has Jose Mourinho Handed In His Notice At Real Madrid?

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By Chris Wright

A batch of quotes have surfaced from a Real Madrid press conference, in which coach Jose Mourinho who refused to commit to the cause past the coming summer a couple of days ago appears to openly pine for a return to the good old, down-home Premier League.

Edwin Van Der Sar To Retire At The End Of The Season

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By Chris Wright

After months of to-ing and fro-ing over a decision, Manchester United's veteran custodian Edwin van der Sar has finally confirmed that he is to 'hang up his gloves' at the end of the current season.

Van der Sar had been toying with the prospect of calling time on his illustrious footballing career when his wife, Annemarie, became seriously ill in late 2009.

Ian Holloway Will Make A Pretty Penny On Charlie Adam Deal

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By Chris Wright

Blackpool boss Ian Holloway has revealed that he (personally) stands to make a tidy bit of money on any prospective deal for Charlie Adam, thanks to a cheeky little clause in his contract at Bloomfield Road.

Odin's beard! No wonder he's holding out for £12 million.

Richard Keys Smashes Own Grave Live On talkSPORT

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By Ollie Irish

It was a performance worthy of Alan Partridge at his lowest point, evoking classic lines such as "Have I got a second series?" and "Smell my cheese you mother!" At least there was no Castrol GTX bomber jacket.

In using talkSPORT's Hawksbee & Jacob Show as a platform to tell his side of the story, Richard Keys needed only to keep the mantra "Say sorry, be humble, get the fuck out" at the forefront of his old-school mind.

‘Physical Marvel’ Adebayor Passes Real Madrid Medical

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By Chris Wright

Just before close of play last night, Manchester City confirmed via their official club site that Emmanuel Adebayor will become the latest of their £multi-million signings to be crammed through the sky-blue meat grinder at Eastlands after announcing that the Togolese target man is now on the brink of securing a loan move to striker-strapped Real Madrid.

Stevenage Player Thumped Over ‘Mistreated’ Ex-Girlfriend

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By Chris Wright

Remember not so long ago, when Stevenage defender Scott Laird was KO'd by a Stevenage fan after Stevenage had just knocked Newcastle out of the FA Cup?

Well it turns out that the fan in question, one Robert Fitzgerald of Stevenage, took to the field to lamp Laird for 'mistreating' his (Fitzgerald's) current girlfriend Jade Coles whilst the two (Laird and Coles) were an item.

The Andy Gray Parody Songs Begin: ‘Oh Andy!’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Perhaps not quite as cutting as it could have been (I imagine they'll be better to come there's plenty of mileage left), but still a fitting tribute to a fallen hero non-the-less...

Via 101GG.

The Football Snapshot: Cesc Fabregas Leads Arsenal To Wembley

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By Ollie Irish

Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas celebrates scoring their third goal of the game against Ipswich Town.

More pics:

Highlights:

Lovely goal by Bendy.

Fulham Snaffle Chelsea Starlet Gael Kakuta

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to let y'all know that Fulham have confirmed Chelsea tyro Gael Kakuta has indeed joined the club on loan until the end of the season, after the 19-year-old successfully passed a medical at the Cottage yesterday evening.

Kakuta has only started five games since Chelsea forcibly wrenched him from Lens' youth set-up 18 months ago (though the France U20′s winger did sign a new four-and-a-half year deal at Stamford Bridge last month), and it seems that Carlo Ancelotti is keen for him to stockpile his first-team experience elsewhere for the time being.

Humble Pie: Andy Gray ‘Devastated’ At Losing Job He Loves

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By Ollie Irish

A statement by sacked pundit Andy Gray has just been released through his lawyers:

"I am very sorry that certain comments made by me have caused offence. Such comments were made off air to work colleagues, and were of course never intended to be broadcast.

Paul Scholes Still Unsure Over Retirement Plans

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United's ball-spraying pass-fountain Paul Scholes has admitted that he still can't decide whether or not he's got another year at the top left in his fuzzy, orange, 36-year-old legs having only just returned to the first-string after spending the past eight weeks recovering from a troublesome groin tweak.

Top 10 Pundits Who Could Replace Andy Gray At Sky Sports

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By Ollie Irish

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Sam Allardyce - Less annoying in the studio than on the touchline. Has temped for Sky a few times now and might decide to quit management to become a full-time pundit, but only for the right price.

Ian Holloway Is Taking A Mini-Break In Chorley With The Wife

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By Ollie Irish

After the heart-smashing defeat against Man Utd last night, Blackpool gaffer Ian Holloway announced he is taking a mini-break, to get as far away from football as possible. Where to, Ian? Dubai perhaps? Not a bit of it...

"I am going away with my wife – to Chorley," Ollie said.

Grant Holt And Norwich City Are Going To Hell! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies presents: The stuff that serial killers are made from...

That's definitely his mum's house.

Ryan Babel Joins Hoffenheim, Ends Liverpool Woe

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool winger @RyanBabel has completed his move to Bundesliga side Hoffenheim, after signing a two-and-a-half year contract at the Rhein Neckar Arena last night.

'Pool accepted a £6 million bid for the Dutch forward last week, but the deal appeared to be wavering until late on Monday, when the player flew out to finalise the contract details.

Football GIF: Dimitar Berbatov Has A Lovely First Touch

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By Ollie Irish

You have a woman's touch, Lord Berba...

A typically elegant piece of tekkers by Dimitar Berbatov, as spotted last night during Man Utd's great escape at Blackpool; Berba is the artist to Rooney's artisan. It's a triffic blend for United.

Lionel Messi Fined €2,500 For Wishing His Mum A Happy Birthday

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona jinkster Lionel Messi has been fined €2,500 (about £2,150) for wishing dear old Mami Messi a happy birthday after scoring against Racing Santander last weekend.

The referee did not see fit to caution Messi for the celebration at the time but did, however, mention the incident in his match report therefore meaning that the Argentinian forward had to be put up in front of the Spanish football federation's disciplinary committee, who duly punished him under article 91.

Man City Wastrel Handed Real Madrid Lifeline

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By Chris Wright

Just before close of play last night, Manchester City confirmed via their official club site that Emmanuel Adebayor will become the latest of their £multi-million signings to be crammed through the sky-blue meat grinder at Eastlands after announcing that the Togolese target man is now on the brink of securing a loan move to striker-strapped Real Madrid.

Chelsea Schtum Over Atletico Madrid €60m ‘Double Bid’ Claims

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By Chris Wright

Reports in the Spanish press yesterday were carrying quotes supposedly attributed to Miguel Angel Gil, in which Atletico Madrid's majority shareholder claimed that Chelsea had made an audacious €60 million 'double bid' for both striker Sergio Aguero and centre-back Diego Godin.

Richard Keys – Would You Smash It?

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By Ollie Irish

Charming. Keys will surely follow Gray soon.

Andy Gray Sacked For ‘Unacceptable Behaviour’, Richard Keys Survives

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By Ollie Irish

One down, one to go. Quite literally

Sky Sports sacked Andy Gray this afternoon, in the light of new evidence of offensive comments the Scot made off-air in December 2010.

Barney Francis, managing director of Sky Sports, said: "Andy Gray's contract has been terminated for unacceptable behaviour.

My Favourite Kit: Germany 2006 World Cup Kit

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By Ahmad Ruiz Hakeem

Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit
Für das Deutsche Vaterland!

It was wet, humid and dark, but for the television screen glowing. I stood in front of the TV in my grandmother's home in Johor Bahru, singing along to the German national anthem.

Top 17 Premier League Photos: 22-24 January 2011

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By Ollie Irish

Assistant referee Sian Massey in action on the touchline during Wolves vs Liverpool. Massey was the target of sexist comments by Sky's Andy Gray and Richard Keys, for which the pair were suspended.

Liverpool's Raul Meireles scores their second goal of the game at Wolves, with a perfectly executed dipping volley.

Bullets On The Brain – The Terrible State Of Football In Northern Ireland

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By Anonymous

The history of Northern Ireland is, for lack of a better expression, fucking horrible. As a young man who grew up at the tail end of the Troubles I was merely seven miles removed from the worst atrocity of the conflict, Omagh.

The country has changed since then.

Shit Lookalikes: Richard Keys & Charlie Sheen

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By Ollie Irish

Keys likes Coventry City and hand-waxes.

Sheen likes coke and hookers.

This is proper shit, right? And I'm almost ashamed to say this is one of my spots... I'll resign immediately. Now we really need a Shit Lookalike for Andy Gray.

Ronaldinho Scores ‘Impossible’ Goal During Flamengo Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which everybody's favourite busted flush, Ronaldinho, reminds us that he used to be quite good at this football malarkey...

And, for our viewing delectation, Ronny also indulged in a spot of bare-foot freestyle jiggery-pokey...

Skeeeeels.

Sell Dani Alves To Manchester City – Johan Cruyff

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By Ollie Irish

Serial shit-stirrer Johan Cruyff says Barcelona would be nuts not to consider selling Dani Alves to Manchester City.

Alves is contracted at Barca until the summer of 2012 but is stalling on a contract extension as Barca refuse to meet his hefty wage demands.

FIFA Stooge Calls For Sepp Blatter To Step Down

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By Chris Wright

Would you trust this man?

FIFA ExCo member and grand high wizard of the Asian Football Confederation Mohamed Bin Hammam has called for FIFA president Sepp Blatter to stand from his post, claiming that 35 years in the job may just may have left ol' Unkie Sepp susceptible to the odd bit of corruption hither and thither.

Mark Van Bommel To Join AC Milan ‘Immediately’

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan have announced the signing of Mark van Bommel, a deal that will see the Dutch dreadnought move to the San Siro 'with immediate effect' after Bayern Munich agreed to terminate his dwindling contract.

At a mere 33-years-old, it is thought that Van Bommel will initially be inducted into Milan's youth setup to mature for a couple of years, before finally being allowed to join up with senior side on his 35th birthday.

Ryan Babel Is Off To Hoffenheim As Planned

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have confirmed that Ryan Babel has agreed a move to Bundesliga side Hoffenheim, less than 24 hours after King Kenny told a press conference that there was no chance of the Dutchman leaving the club during January.

Hoffenheim had a £6 million bid for Babel accepted last week and, after a few days spent fluttering his eyelashes across the smokey bar at former club Ajax, the winger is set to travel to Germany this morning to finalise the deal according to a short statement posted on Liverpool's official website:

"Ryan Babel has agreed a move to TSG 1899 Hoffenheim.

‘Wigan Is A Crappy, Cold, Dull Place’ – Mohamed Diame

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By Chris Wright

In an interview with a French magazine, Wigan midfielder Mohamed Diame didn't hold back in letting all-and-sundry know what he thinks about his current place of residence:

"The truth about life in Wigan is there is nothing to do. It is a crappy place.

Carlo Ancelotti Vows To Plug Away At David Luiz Deal

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti has confirmed that the club are indeed hankering after Benfica centre-back David Luiz, though he remains unsure as to whether the two parties will be able to come to an agreement before the sand in the transfer window Boggle timer runs out.

Is Kevin Muscat The Most Hated Man In Football? Yeah, He Is

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By Paul Sorene

In answer to the headline question: yeah, he is now.

So how's Muscat been getting on since he left British shores to play in the Australian league? Adrian Zahra could offer a few words, but he's a bit winded.

This is the same Muscat whose first words to Ashley Young were, allegedly: "Don't go past me or I will break your legs.

Shit Lookalikes: Marcus Hahnemann & Michael Symon

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By Ollie Irish

Hahnemann gets pissed off when people say he looks like Fred Durst. Well Marcus, we hope this helps...

Hahnemann is a Yankee goalkeeper who looks a bit nothing like Fred Durst.

Symon is a Yankee chef who looks like a bit like Hahnemann.

Porto Midfielder Freddy Guarin Scores Colossal Screamer (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Maritimo failed to close down Guarin and so he speculated from 40 yards out with a spectacular result...

Thwack! An unstoppable strike – mostly because it flew like a cheap beach ball in a hurricane.

Via Sport Post

The Football Snapshot: Patrice Evra Breaks David Bentley In Two

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By Ollie Irish

...

Man Utd hardman Patrice Evra slams into David Bentley with the force of a charging rhino (maybe). Bentley is a broken man.

Evra is a modern marvel. Hardly ever gets injured, hardly ever gives less than a 7/10 display. We take his excellence for granted.

Charlie Adam Hands In Transfer Request, Liverpool Lie In Wait

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By Chris Wright

Word is reaching Pies (via those diligent bods over at Sky Sports News) that Blackpool captain Charlie Adam has handed in a formal transfer request at Bloomfield Road, in a bid to push through a £5 million move to Liverpool.

More when we have it.

Woman Tells Carlo Ancelotti, ‘You’re In My Seat’ (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Classic. I'm surprised Carlo didn't use his Jedi eyebrow... "You don't need to see my identification, this isn't the seat you're looking for."

Andy Gray And Richard Keys Suspended By Sky Over Sexist Banter

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By Ollie Irish

Keys: "Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her."
Gray: "Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don't know the offside rule."
Keys: "'Course they don't.

Tottenham Nip ‘Jonathan Woodgate To Arsenal’ Rumours In The Bud

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has been quick to put the kibosh on rumours that surfaced over the weekend linking recently un-crocked centre-back Jonathan Woodgate with a shock loan move to bitter rivals Arsenal.

When asked whether a deal was in the offing with Arsenal, Redknapp replied:

"No, not a chance.

Kenny Dalglish Mocks Sky Sports Reporter Over Sexism Row – Oh, And Ryan Babel Staying At Liverpool

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By Ollie Irish

Outdated cool reference ahoy!

Kenny Dalglish kicked off his obligatory press conference this morning by asking Sky Sports' Vinny O'Connor if he was comfortable sharing the room with a female journalist. Zing! Kenny rules OK – and he reads the papers.

Football GIF: Gerard Pique’s Banana Skin

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By Ollie Irish

Supervillain Gerard Pique is at it again, this time laying a trap for poor Jose Mourinho. Someone needs to cast the Piquenator in the next Bond movie, as the baddie's silent sidekick.

Mo GIFs

Brazilian Midfielder Suffers Nasty Stretcher Cock-Up (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Desportivo Brasil midfielder Gladstone sees the last few shards of his dignity jettisoned into the ether courtesy of some truly inept medical support...

...face, meet gooch and vice versa!

‘Liverpool Play Totaal Voetbal Under Dalglish’ – Dirk Kuyt

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By Chris Wright

Perhaps an indication of the 'short-term' nature that has engulfed everything pertaining to Liverpool FC over the past few years, it seems that one win over a patchy Wolves outfit has transmogrified a universally panned rabble into a fluid unit akin to that of the legendary 1970′s Dutch national side at least as far as 'Deadly Dirk Kuyt is concerned, who also jibed former manager Roy Hodgson's slightly 'agricultural' approach:

"[Playing under Dalglish] comes close to the old Dutch style.

Tottenham Nip ‘Jonathan Woodgate To Arsenal’ Rumours In The Bud

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has been quick to put the kibosh on rumours that surfaced over the weekend linking recently un-crocked centre-back Jonathan Woodgate with a shock loan move to bitter rivals Arsenal.

When asked whether a deal was in the offing with Arsenal, Redknapp replied:

"No, not a chance.

Arsenal Confirm Interest In £10m Southampton Prodigy

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By Chris Wright

After several weeks of mounting conjecture, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has finally confirmed that he is indeed interested in striking a deal with Southampton over prodigious 17-year-old forward Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who is currently valued by the League One side at a whopping £10 million.

Shocking Pink Vandals Target Oxford United Sculpture

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By Chris Wright

Always nice to see a such lovingly sculpted balls

The £25,000 ox sculpture that stands outside Oxford United's Kassam Stadium has been besmirched!

The BBC are reporting that vandals covered the bovinous (probably not a word) statue in bright pink paint late last night, with the words 'GOTTA LOVE ART' then daubed onto the marble plinth underneath.

Kevin Muscat Walks Into Horror Tackle Hall Of Fame With Melbourne Derby Shocker (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Yet more proof that Muscat is a bully and a coward, not to mention a mediocre footballer. Not for nothing is he despised by many fellow pros.

Young Adrian Zahra, the victim of Muscat's reckless challenge, may now be out of action for as long as 12 months with a knee injury.

Harry Redknapp Mugged On Madrid Scouting Trip

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has revealed that he (and his No. 2, Kevin Bond) were mugged in Madrid, ahead of the Copa Del Rey tie between city rivals Real and Atletico on Thursday evening, after being distracted by strange men tugging on his trousers.

Simon Kjaer Expected At Chelsea By Monday?

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By Chris Wright

"Let's waste time, chasing Kjaers..."

Several reports emanating from Germany (via the Daily Mail) this morning are suggesting that Danish centre-half Simon Kjaer, who only joined Bundesliga outfit Wolfsburg a couple of months ago, is set for a shock £12.

Ronaldo Stars In Terrible ‘William Tell’ Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is what your (former) footballing heroes look like without the aid of any CGI shenanigans...

...speaking of CGI, couldn't they have at least knocked a couple of Fat Ron's chins off?

Shit Lookalikes: Robert Earnshaw & Bruno Mars

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By Chris Wright


Earnshaw is a former Victorian street urchin, turned Nott'm Forest striker.

Mars is some awful, radio-lite balladeer that I hope never sullies my consciousness.

Spotter's Badge: Me ode mucker Dan Smith

Send your Shit Lookalikes spots to ollie@anorak.

Which Football Club Do You Hate The Most?

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By Ollie Irish

"Oh we hate (insert club here), and we hate (insert club here)... we are the (insert club here) haters"

There's an awful lot of naked hatred in football, but as long as it doesn't spill over into violence it's not such a bad thing.

Pies Prediction League: Week 20

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By Ollie Irish

Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired

Right, it's been a while, but here's the big ole' PPL table, updated after a couple of weeks (sorry I missed a week, but I simply wasn't around to post. And Week 17, which was hit by the spell of cold weather, will be updated when all those fixtures have been played):

1.

No To Stratford – Why Tottenham Must Stay In North London

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By Jack McInroy

Loud and clear: A section of Tottenham fans show their opposition to the Stratford move

Initially it looked like a bluff to stop TfL and Haringey council holding the club to ransom and it might still be, but Tottenham Hotspur Football Club moving to east London is worryingly possible.

Kenny Miller Receives Manic Welcome At Bursaspor (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Somehow, I can't quite imagine Birmingham fans reacting in the same way...

Miller's welcome at Turkish side Bursaspor (ahead of a medical, he hasn't actually signed up yet!) instantly brought to mind the manic scenes that greeted Darius Vassell's arrival at Greek side Ankaragucu a couple of years back.

The Football Snapshot: Spain’s 2010 World Champions, As Drawn By Matt Groening

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By Ollie Irish

Puyol is a cartoonist's dream. Love Iniesta too.

‘Valencia Back By The End Of February’ – Sir Alex Ferguson

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed that he firmly expects long-term lay-off Luis Valencia to be back in-and-amongst the first-string by the end of February.

A fairly innocuous challenge with Rangers defender Kirk Broadfoot left Valencia's foot pointing in what can only be described as the 'wrong direction' (fractured and dislocated) when the two sides met in the Champions League back in September, with the general consensus being that the Ecuadorian winger would almost certainly miss the entire remainder of the 2010/'11 season.

When Cameramen Focus On Hot Women At Football Matches (Video)

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By WAG Watcher

For those lulls in football matches, there's always a pretty girl or two in the crowd playing with her hair to cut to (unless it's at Hull City... joking):

Also: This could easily be a video for a dodgy Eastern European escort agency.

Brad Friedel Declared Bankrupt With Debts Of Nearly £5m

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa's American goalkeeper Brad Friedel has been declared bankrupt in his homeland, after his non-profit football academy in Lorain, Ohio racked up debts of almost £5 million after failing to attract enough hopefuls willing to pay the annual £20,000 membership fee.

Liverpool Balk As ‘Headline’ Suarez Deal Hits Snag

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool's interim messiah Kenny Dalglish has vowed that the club will do their damnedest to bring in a 'headline' signing over the course of the next week or so, though the chances of said signing being Ajax forward Luis Suarez are looking increasingly remote.

Pepe Reina Will Stay At Liverpool If They Stop Being Rubbish

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By Chris Wright

In April of last year, Liverpool 'keeper Pepe Reina signed an eyebrow-raisingly mammoth six-year contract at Anfield and, despite all the periodic speculation of a summer move elsewhere, the Spaniard has vowed to honour the deal with one simple caveat.

Manchester City Set For One Last January Splurge?

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By Chris Wright

Both the Daily Mail and the Times are reporting this morning that Manchester City have their hearts set on making one last signing before the transfer window closes in a-smidgen-over-a-week's time namely Ajax's highly-rated right-back Gregory van der Wiel.

Blackburn Offered Juan Roman Riquelme On The Cheap

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn, in their relentless search for a 'marquee' signing, have reportedly been offered the services of Boca Juniors stalwart (and light of legendary Gol TV commentator Ray Hudson's life) Juan Roman Riquelme on the cheap.

Riquelme's agent Barry McIntosh (you can almost smell the pinstripes) told the Lancashire Telegraph:

"I have spoken with (middle man) Jerome Anderson, who is doing a lot of work for Blackburn Rovers, about a deal for Riquelme and it is being thought about.

Top 10 Footballers Who Are ‘A Poor Man’s Xxxx’

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By Ollie Irish

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Kevin Nolan is the poor man's... Frank 'Lampsy' Lampard.

Spotter's badges: Alex Netherton, Meji Alabi, David Livick, Chris Clarke, Simon Wallis, Ioan McAvoy, The Equaliser

BBC Presenter Drops ‘Eric C*nt Cantona’ Bomb On Air (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This, my good fellows, is what your license fee is going towards...

...utter filth! What's the address for Points Of View again?

Spotters' Badge: Off The Post

Leeds United 1-3 Arsenal, FA Cup – Bradley Johnson Screamer Just A Consolation (Video & Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Robin LOVED to skydive but was terrified of heights

No Cup glory for Leeds then. Arsenal were deserved winners in this easy-on-the-eye FA Cup replay at Elland Road. Samir Nasri opened the scoring with a composed finish past Kasper Schmeichel, then goals by Sagna (a fierce striker) and Van Persie put the game beyond Leeds.

Ashley Cole Is Only English Player In Uefa’s Team Of The Year

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By Ollie Irish

Meet your Uefa.com Team of the Year for 2010...

Did you spot the only man who plays in the Greatest League In The World? Yes, well played Ashley Cole, not just the only Englishman in an XI dominated by Barcelona and Inter players, but also the only Premier League representative.

Jermaine Pennant Forgot He Owned £98,000 Porsche!

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By Chris Wright

Stoke winger Jermaine Pennant was apparently taken a-back recently when he was contacted by his former club, Real Zaragoza, regarding a £98,000 Porsche which he had left unattended at a railway station in the Spanish city over the past five months.

Shit Lookalikes: Jacob Steinberg & George Watsky

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By Ollie Irish

Jacob Steinberg is a pulsating football brain for The Guardian (and others), occasional Pies writer, and a top chap to boot. Follow him on the Twitters.

George Watsky is an American hip-hop poet/spoken-word artist (call it what you want).

Bolton Finalise £2.3m Deal For David Wheater

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By Chris Wright

Wheater: witch-chinned

Bolton have officially confirmed the signing of statuesque (think 'Easter Island') centre-back David Wheater from Middlesbrough for an initial fee of just £2.3 million (rising by a further £1 million further on down the line), which ain't a bad little bit of business in my 'umble estimation.

Man Utd Plot 10-Man Summer Exodus, Who Will Survive The Cull?

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By Chris Wright

Don't know what you're smiling about sunshine

"Neville, Gary...Van der Sar, Edwin...Owen, Michael...Carrick, Michael...Hargreaves, Owen...Brown, Wesley.

Mardy Bum Mourinho ‘Prepared To Quit’ Real Madrid

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By Chris Wright

According to the Daily Mirror's 'see what sticks' football section, coach Jose Mourinho is fully ‘prepared to quit' Real Madrid at the end of the season, after reaching the end of his luxuriantly-groomed tether with the club's sporting director Jorge Valdano –who has yet again failed to impress our Portuguese protagonist, this time with his feeble efforts to sign a replacement for Real's recently waylaid striker, Gonzalo Higuain.

My Favourite Kit: Sampdoria 1990-92

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By James Dixon

My favourite strip is the Sampdoria home kit of 1990-92. There are actually two slightly different kits, as the 1991-92 version has the Scudetto shield on the left breast following Samp's Serie A title win. However, it seems churlish to distinguish between the shirt worn winning the Scudetto and the shirt that recognises that triumph.

Has John W Henry’s WAG Persuaded Luis Suarez To Join Liverpool?

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool owner John W Henry along with his not-unattractive WAG, Linda Pizzuti enjoyed a spot of dinner with Luis Suarez's agent at London restaurant last night, as the two parties continue to negotiate a £15 million move for the Uruguayan flesh-eater.

Juventus Sexes Up Serie A With Hot Cheerleaders (Video)

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By WAG Watcher

Forget the Old Lady. How about a pom-pom (new collective noun coined by Pies) of hot young ladies wearing short shorts? Yes, Juventus is the latest football club to harness the power of sex to sell sport by creating its own pom-pom (there it is again) of cheerleaders, aka Le Zebre di BetClic.

New £300m Nike France Kit Is ‘A Bit Italian’ – Laurent Blanc

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By Ollie Irish

This is France's first ever Nike kit, which can lay claim to being the most expensive football kit of all time. It cost Nike around €300m (€42m per year until 2018) to buy the rights (previously held by Adidas) to dress the French team with a swoosh (several swooshes actually).

South Korean Striker Foiled By The Great Wall Of India (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which South Korean striker Ji Dong-Won is denied a hat-trick against India (in the Asia Cup) by a wonderful, defiantly amateurish display of last-ditch defending...

Via 101GG

South Korea eventually rode out as 4-1 winners, so perhaps we shouldn't lavish India's defensive line with too much praise.

Nicklas Bendtner Is ‘Not Interested’ In Saving West Ham

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By Chris Wright

According to several of the nationals this morning, West Ham, presumably in a bid to sound out players with the kind of level-headed, uber-focused steadying influence that can help heave them out of the unholy mess in which they currently find themselves, have enquired as to the availability of Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner a man famed for his 'umble estimation and almost peerless technical ability.

Eric Cantona Is King Of New York Cosmos (With Photos) – Will He Bring Beckham To NYC?

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By Ollie Irish

"It's kind of a mix between football and art"

Eric Cantona is the new Director of Soccer at New York Cosmos. Trust King Eric to stun us all. And what a coup for MLS. We are set for interesting times across the pond.

Cantona said: "I am very honoured to join the legendary New York Cosmos.

Hypocrite Steve Bruce Massively ‘Let Down’ By Darren Bent

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By Chris Wright

"Show me the money!" (shrugs)

Via a rather snippy statement on the club's official site, Sunderland manager Steve Bruce (who is perhaps not the strongest candidate to be lecturing anybody about loyalty to a cause) has admitted that he, and everyone else at the club, feels 'massively let down' by Darren Bent's £24 million defection to the Villa.

Real Madrid Told To Forget About Re-Signing Ruud Van Nistelrooy

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By Chris Wright

After Argentine forward Gonzalo Higuain was ruled out for four months with a particularly nasty sounding back injury ('herniated spine' anyone?) last week, Real have grown increasingly eager/desperate to recruit some short-term cover, with loan moves for Man City wastrel Emmanuel Adebayor, Miroslav Klose and a return to the Bernabeu for equine goal-machine Ruud Van Nistelrooy all mooted to be on the cards.

‘Fabregas Is Captain, But He Is Not A Leader’ – Denilson Misquoted?

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By Chris Wright

"You're shit mate!"

Arsenal's tag-along midfielder Denilson has done what any right-minded fellow would do hours before an FA Cup third-round replay in which he was due to start, and got stuck into his club captain, Cesc Fabregas, criticising the Spaniard's apparent lack of leadership skills.

The Football Snapshot: Carlos Tevez Reunited With His Daughters

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By Ollie Irish

Carlos Tevez's two daughters are in England, having flown in this week from their home in Argentina. Florence and Katia watched their dad lead Man City to a 4-2 victory against Leicester City in the FA Cup. He was in storming form, though he did have a penalty saved.

Aston Villa Wrap Up Record £24m Deal For Darren Bent

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa have announced that they have officially signed Darren Bent from Sunderland, shelling out an initial £18 million for the privilege a fee that will rise to as high as £24 million should various contractual stipulations be met.

Steven Pienaar Chooses Tottenham Over Chelsea, Picks No.40 Jersey

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By Ollie Irish

Steven Pienaar arrived at Tottenham's training ground in Essex earlier today to complete a £2.5m move from Everton (slighly below the Toffees' asking price). Ya boo sucks, Chelsea.

The 28-year-old midfielder only needs to pass a medical before he signs what is reported to be a four-year contract.

English Football And The Self-Entitlement Problem

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By Guy Gorman

"We deserve success." Do you really? It is a strange saying in football as it implies that the maintenance of the status quo – chosen clubs at the top, others always scrapping for points at the bottom – is fair for everyone. After all, Liverpool has won 18 league titles, so for them not to mount a strong title challenge in recent years is surely an affront to the football gods.

Top 10 Alanalysis Memes

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By Ollie Irish

Top 10 Football Stanleys

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By Ollie Irish

In celebration of football's greatest Stans (before you mention it, there is no room for the Stanley knife, beloved of old-school hooligans)...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

10. STAN WILLEMSE - No-nonsense left-back who played for Brighton, Chelsea and Leyton Orient in a 12-year playing career (1946-1958).

Ryan Babel Leaks Details Of Luis Suarez Swap Deal

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By Chris Wright

Comments allegedly made by Liverpool winger Ryan Babel in the Dutch press have sparked speculation that toothy Ajax forward (and Uruguay 'keeper) Luis Suarez may be on his way to Liverpool, with Babel returning to his former club on loan for the rest of the season as part of the deal.

The Football Snapshot: Schoolboy Eddie Howe Is Your New Burnley Manager

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By Ollie Irish

New Burnley gaffer Eddie Howe – who is, despite his sixth-form schoolboy looks, all of 33 years old – poses for the obligatory "wearing my new club's scarf proudly" shot. Howe is a fine young manager who will one day manage in the Premier League (I'd wager), and Burnley's gain is Bournemouth's loss.

‘Me, Ibra And Cassano At Milan? It’ll Happen Soon’ – Mario Balotelli

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By Chris Wright

His eminence Mario Balotelli has been speaking to the plebs and mere mortals again, telling all and sundry that he wants to sign for AC Milan at some point in the near future...again.

Speaking to Italian rag Extra Time, Balotelli said:

"Do I envy (Antonio) Cassano for going to AC Milan?

Scottish Footballer With Unfortunate Name Charged Over Alleged Rape

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By Chris Wright

Dundee striker David Goodwillie (must...resist...) has been charged in connection with an alleged rape that took place at a New Years Eve party in West Lothian.

Goodwillie (must...resist...) was charged after police received complaints from a 24-year-old woman a couple of days later.

Jeff Stelling 1-0 Matt Le Tissier (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Looks like that gig on Countdown has really helped Jeff's grasp of figures. Le Tiss, you wuz owned lolz.

Spotted on 101GreatGoals

Tottenham And Everton ‘Agree Terms’ Over £3m Steven Pienaar

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By Ollie Irish

Looks like Steven Pienaar is on his way to Tottenham. Or Chelsea. Either way, he's on his way to the English capital. This from Everton's official website:

"Everton can confirm they have agreed terms with Tottenham over the possible transfer of Steven Pienaar.

Chelsea Hold Talks Over Chilean Ace Alexis Sanchez

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By Chris Wright

Serie A outfit Udinese have confirmed that Chelsea have made tentative enquiries as to the availability of their 22-year-old Chilean tyro (and long-term Manchester United target) Alexis Sanchez with a view to snapping him up before the end of the month.

Shit Lookalikes: Danny Higginbotham & Louie Spence

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By Ollie Irish

Spence minces and loves a bit of tackle.

Higginbotham doesn't mince his tackles.

Spotter's badges: Joe Sampson and a bloke called Shane.

Email your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

West Ham ‘Retain’ Avram Grant … For Now

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By Ollie Irish

Oy, it's just my size!

West Ham have announced they plan to retain manager Avram Grant – in the short-term at least – after months of speculation over his future.

The Irons put out a statement in Grant's favour this morning insisting they were standing by their current gaffer, despite the club lying bottom of the Prem with just four wins in their first 20 matches.

Arsenal Linked With Big, Ugly Bugger Of A Centre-Back

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By Chris Wright

'Tis the gospel truth, Arsenal have no defence at the moment a fact that the gossip-hounds and rumour-mongers of this land are seemingly all too aware of.

The latest name linked with one of the several vacant gaps in the Gunners' Emmental-like back-line is that of Bordeaux centre-back Michael Ciani, otherwise known as the poor sod that Arsene Wenger opted for wizened veteran Sebastien Squillaci over back in the summer.

Liverpool Aren’t ‘Interesting’ Enough For Mark Van Bommel

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By Chris Wright

The agent of Bayern Munich's Dutch ransacker Mark van Bommel has revealed that his client has received an approach from Liverpool, though it has been shelved in favour of other, more 'interesting' offers from elsewhere.

Van Bommel's representative, the ever-present Mino Raiola, told Bild:

"I know about Liverpool's interest, but other offers are currently more interesting.

Win A Real Madrid Shirt Signed By Cristiano Ronaldo And The Entire Real First Team!

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Sponsored post by bwin

bwin, one of the world's largest online gaming companies is offering one lucky Who Ate All The Pies reader the ultimate football fanatic's prize.

As the shirt sponsors for Real Madrid, bwin is giving you the opportunity to own a piece of footballing history with the chance to win a signed version of the legendary Real Madrid white jersey.

Liverpool Table £8m Bid For Stewart Downing

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By Chris Wright


Word is reaching Pies that Liverpool have lodged a bid believed to be somewhere in the region on £8 million for Aston Villa winger (and, rather unfortunately for Villa, their current top-scorer) Stewart Downing.

Top 10 Premier League Photos: 15-16 January 2011

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By Ollie Irish

Manchester City's Carlos Tevez scores his side's fourth goal of the game against Wolves at Eastlands.

Blackburn Rovers' Mame Diouf and Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic battle for the ball.

Arsenal's Robin van Persie scores his team's third goal againt West Ham, from the penalty spot.

The Mighty Zlatan Scores Another Ridiculous Corker! (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

In which Pies' favouritest ego-swathed wrecking-ball Zlatan Ibrahimovic scores yet another crashing volley from somewhere around the 25-yard mark with irritatingly nonchalant ease this time against Lecce on Sunday.

Also, check out Milan owner Adriano Galliani's 'sad cartoon Moon' face on 18 secs it's worth the admission fee alone.

Football GIF: Wojciech Szczesny’s Backward Roll

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By Ollie Irish

The keeper who I will forever refer to simply as 'Chesney' (like those lovely Gooners do) springs into action – backwards – against West Ham. Nice move, Chezzer (I may also refer to him as 'Chezzer' but never by his full name, which I find impossible to spell even now).

The Football Snapshot: Barcelona Puppets For Sale On La Rambla

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By Ollie Irish

Back yesterday from a long weekend in Barcelona. Didn't get to see them dismantle Malaga (though I did watch it on the tellybox, and could only marvel at a) Barca's imperious ball control, not to mention their workrate, which is often underrated, and b) the Sky Sports commentators' relentless stream of Barca sycophancy – in the light of a), this is understandable I suppose.

Arsenal Crock Thomas Vermaelen Set For Surgery

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal have decided that the Achilles tweak that was supposed to keep Belgian defender Thomas Vermaelen out for, and I quote, 'a couple of weeks' back in late September will now require surgery with the procedure almost definitely set to push back the centre-back's return date by a further six weeks.

Aston Villa To Sign Darren Bent For £18m

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By Ollie Irish

The Midlands, here I come

Looks very much like Aston Villa will sign striker Darren Bent from Sunderland this week, for a reported fee of £18m Sunderland have apparently accepted Villa's bid, and now Bent only has to agree personal terms (own car-park space etc.

21 Brilliant Photos Of The Great Nat Lofthouse

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By Ollie Irish

Pies delved into the PA archives and came up with this fine selection of black-and-white Lofthouse pictures (very large, high-res versions which you can see – and download – if you right-click on each image), featuring the great man in his considerable prime.

Tottenham Have Bid Rejected For ‘£40m Man’ Andy Carroll

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By Chris Wright

As of this morning, word is reaching Pies that Tottenham have had a £15 million bid for Newcastle bruiser Andy Carroll rejected, prompting Toon boss Alan Pardew to once again repeat that his towering forward is not for sale at any sodding price.

RIP Nat Lofthouse – The ‘Lion Of Vienna’ Dies Peacefully, Aged 85

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By Chris Wright

RIP Bolton and England striker Nat 'Lofty' Lofthouse, who died peacefully on Saturday evening, aged 85...

(video via BBC Sport)

The phrase "the word 'legend' is overused these days" is undeniably overused itself these days, but with Nat's passing goes a true giant of the game which his goalscoring record (255 goals in 452 Bolton appearances and 30 goals in just 33 England starts, one of the best international goal-to-game records of all time) duly attests to.

Roberto Carlos Scores Directly From A Corner (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which 37-year-old veteran Roberto Carlos puts that famously untamed left-foot to good use for his current club Corinthians by scoring what is known in South America as an 'Olympic' goal i.e. notching directly from a corner.

The cheeky little git.

Tottenham Refuse To Up Pienaar Bid As Chelsea Plod On

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By Chris Wright

"If y'ain't comin' tae the Lane, then f**k ye!"

Despite being repeatedly linked to the guy for the last geologic period or so, Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has conceded that his pursuit of Everton winger Steven Pienaar is now doomed to end in failure, after Chelsea gazumped his unsuccessful £2 million bid for the South African international by a further £1 million over the weekend.

West Ham Set To Appoint Martin O’Neill – Has Avram Had His Chips?

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By Chris Wright

The Beeb's diligent sport team seem fairly certain that former Villa manager Martin O'Neill is waiting in the wings to replace Avram Grant at the West Ham helm, and will do so after the club's Premier League tie with Arsenal later this evening.

David Beckham And Harry Redknapp: The Leaked Texts (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Tres droll...

Via BBC Sport.

Everton Accept Steven Pienaar Bid From ‘Major’ European Club – Is It Inter Milan?

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By Chris Wright

Everton manager David Moyes has confirmed that the club has accepted a bid for their clock-watching winger Steven Pienaar from a major, though as-yet anonymous, European club:

"We have had two offers and one of those offers has been accepted.

Shit Lookalikes: Rafael Van Der Vaart & Brendan Rodgers

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By Chris Wright

Van der Vaart is Rodgers, but 10 years in the future.

Rodgers is Van der Vaart, but...well, you get the picture.

Send your Shit Lookalikes spots to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just drop him a Tweet.

Real Madrid Edge ‘Klose’ To Shock Loan Swoop

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By Chris Wright

That was fiendishly clever wasn't it? You see...'Klose' sounds an awful lot like 'closer' doesn't it?

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Pointless babbling aside, it looks as though Real Madrid, in a desperate attempt to not end up with Man City ingrate Emmanuel Adebayor on their books, have turned their attention to securing Bayern Munich's one-trick pony ('scoring shed loads of goals at major international tournaments whilst systematically maxing out at 5 domestic goals every season' being his one trick) Miroslav Klose on loan until the end of the season.

FIFA Dumpling Sepp Blatter Finally Backs Goal-Line Technology

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By Chris Wright

"Aw, c'mon. Don't be a total ballbag Michel!"

After months nay, years of growing clamour, FIFA president Sepp Blatter has finally seen the light and backed calls for goal-line technology to be introduced.

Pies Prediction League: Week 19

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By Chris Wright

As far as I'm aware, the table will be updated upon Ollie's return.

Week 19

Lawro says:

Birmingham 1-1 Aston Villa
Chelsea 2-0 Blackburn
Liverpool 1-1 Everton
Man City 2-0 Wolves
Stoke 2-1 Bolton
Sunderland 2-0 Newcastle
Tottenham 2-1 Man Utd
West Brom 2-1 Blackpool
West Ham 0-2 Arsenal
Wigan 1-1 Fulham

Pies says:

Birmingham 1-2 Aston Villa
Chelsea 1-1 Blackburn
Liverpool 1-0 Everton
Man City 1-0 Wolves
Stoke 3-1 Bolton
Sunderland 0-0 Newcastle
Tottenham 4-2 Man Utd (just a hunch)
West Brom 2-0 Blackpool
West Ham 0-1 Arsenal
Wigan 1-1 Fulham

What sayeth thou peeps?

The ‘Butterfly Effect’ As Applied To Football (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If a butterfly flaps it's wings in Texas and all that jazz...

-

Any excuse for a bit of Goldblum.

It's all a bit 'airing on the pseudo' for my tastes, and definitely TOO FRIGGIN' LOUD...but the production values are fairly impressive non-the-less.

King Kenny Hands Liverpool His ‘Dream Dozen’ Transfer Targets

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By Chris Wright

Newly-instated Liverpool messiah Kenny Dalglish has scheduled a meeting with the club's American owners (including owner John Henry, who flew in from the States on Tuesday) later today, and the national press have had a field day ruminating over the fact that the Scot may use the opportunity to ask for a scheisse-load of cash to spend on a scheisse-load of players.

‘Who Is Warnock? He Is Nothing To Me’ – El-Hadji Diouf

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By Chris Wright

You just wouldn't let it lie, would you?

The ongoing tiff between Blackburn mongrel El-Hadji Diouf and everyone on the staff at Queens Park Rangers is showing no signs of abating any time soon, after the Senegalese forward responded to Neil Warnock's 'sewer rat' taunts by calling the R's manager a non-entity.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Plans To Stay At Tottenham Until The End Of Time

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham star Rafael van der Vaart has warmed the collective cockles of Spuds the length and breadth of the land today by revealing that he is so goddamn happy at White Hart Lane that he wants it to continue forever and a day, until civilisation crumbles, human kind is wiped from the face of the Earth and even the deepest oceans run bone-dry.

Yakubu Sent To Graze At Leicester Until The Summer

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By Chris Wright


Just a quickie to let y'all know that Leicester City, after a couple of days of umming and ahhing, have finally announced the arrival of Yakubu 'The Neck' Aiyegbeni on a six-month loan deal from Everton.

Shit Lookalikes: James Tomkins & Alastair Cook

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By Chris Wright

Tomkins plays at the back for the Hammers.

Cook is a media golden boy after doing some kind of cricket thing recently.

Send your Shit Lookalikes spots to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just drop him a Tweet.

20,000 Fans Turn Out To See Ronaldinho In Flamengo Colours (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies presents: Amazing scenes in Rio, where a swarm of 20,000+ avid Flamengo supporters turned out to greet the club's new signing Ronaldinho's at his public unveiling earlier in the week...

...just goes to show, despite being a little bit on the waff side these days, Ronny still has some undeniably immense pulling power.

Are Arsenal About To Dump Andrei Arshavin?

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By Chris Wright

After enduring yet another hideously out-of-sync performance for the Arsenal last night, it should come as no real surprise that Andrei Arshavin may just be foisted out of the Emirates during the January window with Serie A bigwigs Juventus now poised to make a move for the 'ickle Russian water-treader.

Birmingham Snap Up David Bentley On Loan

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By Chris Wright

Pies presents: David Bentley's entire, two-and-a-half-year Tottenham career summed up in 17 seconds...

After contributing the sum total of (almost) diddly-squat to the Spurs cause during his 29 months at White Hart Lane, £15 million-man Bentley has finally left North London for pastures new joining Birmingham City on loan until the end of the season after passing a medical at St Andrews on Tuesday.

Robbie Savage To Join Vancouver Whitecaps

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By Chris Wright

Barnesy needed no excuse to provide the panel with a rendition of 'The Anfield Rap' on ESPN's pitchside Casio

Derby County's flaxen-haired maiden Robbie Savage has revealed that he has received an offer from all-new MLS franchise Vancouver Whitecaps to finish his career out in Canadialand.

‘Liverpool Can Stick Their Bid’ – Ian Holloway Wants Charlie Adam To Join A ‘Big Club’

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By Chris Wright

"What's the score Kenneth?"

To be frank, Blackpool manager Ian Holloway is really beginning to grate on me. Whereas Lineker et al seem to revel in his particular strand of colloquial whimsy, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get along with his constant, put-upon chirruping.

Aston Villa Lodge ‘Insulting’ Bid For England U21 Keeper

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa have incurred the f**king wrath of gobshite Peterborough United director Barry F**king Fry by submitting what he has branded as an 'insulting bid' for Posh's highly-rated England U21 stopper Joe Lewis.

The Football Snapshot: West Ham 2-1 Birmingham, Carling Cup – Avram Grant Fights Back

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By Ollie Irish

Avram Grant was in fighting mood for once after West Ham's slightly jammy win against Birmingham in the first leg of their Carling Cup semi-final. Speculation that Grant is not long for Upton Park is still rife, prompting Grant to counter: "We're one point from Wigan, Fulham and other teams but with them everything is quiet.

Shit Lookalikes: Sky Sports’ Ed Chamberlin & Actor Armie Hammer

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By Ollie Irish

Chamberlin is a Sky Sports presenter.

Hammer is an actor. He played the odious Winklevoss twins in David Fincher's excellent 'The Social Network'.

Spotter's badge: Me!

Email your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

WAG Watch: Lara Alvarez (The New Sara Carbonero) Dating Sergio Ramos?

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By WAG Watcher

Say hello to Lara Alvarez. She's kind of the new Sara Carbonero, in as much as she's a very cute Spanish TV reporter with a taste for 'ballers. I bet Sara hates her.

The word on tabloid street in Spain is that she is dating Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos.

Liverpool Fancy A Bit Of Charlie Adam

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By Chris Wright

Fancy a bit of Charlie?

According to those bods over at Sky Sports News, Liverpool are near as damn-it to submitting a £3.5 million bid for Blackpool's influential schemer Charlie Adam (thus gazumping Blackburn, Aston Villa and Birmingham, who all had £2.

My Favourite Kit: Palermo 2005-06

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By Roger Domeneghetti

The home of Unione Sportiva Citta di Palermo is a city of contradiction. Sicily's capital is a beautiful, tourist hotspot infused with a rich cultural history and renown for superb cuisine. Yet its sun-bleached streets are stained by the violence of Cosa Nostra, the original rugged, version of the mafia – not the knock-off Hollywood imitation you find in America.

Carlton Cole Steams After West Ham Carling Cup Win (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having come off the bench to secure (with a smidge of 'help' from Brum keeper Ben Foster) a slender 2-1 aggregate advantage for his side in their League Cup semi-final with Birmingham last night, West Ham striker Carlton Cole celebrated after the game by getting well and truly steaming.

Sunderland In Talks To Sign David Miliband

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By Chris Wright

Yep, you heard/read that right. Sunderland's big-name January signing is looking likely to be none other than the former Foreign Secretary David Miliband who is, if memory serves, a staunch Gooner by trade.

After losing out to his younger brother, 'Red' Ed Miliband, in the race for the Labour party leadership, it seems as though Miliband the elder is now on the verge of joining chairman Niall Quinn on the Black Cats' board in a non-executive, vice-chairman capacity that will see him focus on both the club's international and community work in return for £50,ooo a year.

Wigan’s Record-Breaking Dud Mauro Boselli Joins Genoa

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By Chris Wright

That went well! The man that Wigan Athletic busted their transfer record open for, Argentinian striker Mauro Boselli, has joined Italian side Genoa until the end of the season after failing to even come close to scoring a league goal (despite notching six in six pre-season games) for the Latics since signing from Estudiantes for £6 million in the summer.

Celtic’s Paddy McCourt Sent Bullets In The Post

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By Chris Wright

The Royal Mail have confirmed that they have intercepted a package sent from Northern Ireland containing bullets that was addressed to Celtic winger Paddy McCourt, just days after a sorting office in County Antrim discovered packets containing bullets that were addressed to Bhoys manager Neil Lennon and midfielder Niall McGinn it should come as no shock that all three men hail from Northern Ireland.

Ledley King To Go Under The Knife Yet Again

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By Chris Wright

They'll fix you, they fix everything.

Eep! News coming out of Tottenham this morning is that injury-harried centre-back Ledley King may be facing another operation, after the flaring of a troublesome groin problem forced the defender to break down during a training session yesterday morning.

Arsenal Begin Scattergun Defensive Search

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By Chris Wright

Surely not?

With Wednesday morning comes the news that Arsenal centre-back Thomas Vermaelen has suffered yet another setback in his bid to recover from the mystery Achilles injury that was initially supposed to have seen him ruled out for a fortnight that was back on September 7th, 2010.

Edin Dzeko Gets The No.10 Man City Shirt (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

As worn previously by Robinho...

He's a big unit, eh. Can't wait to see him operate up front with Tevez.

Edin Dzeko Shows Up At Leicester To Watch New Club Man City – Dodgy Jacket Ahoy! (Photos)

Paul Pogba Scores ‘Ridiculously Good’ Goal For Man Utd Youth Team vs Portsmouth (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

You can see here why United were so keen to poach Pogba from Le Havre. The French teenager, discovered in a kickabout in the ghettos of northern Paris, looks a special talent and whilst he won't feature in United's first team this season, I expect him to step up in 2011-12.

David Beckham No.77 Trains With Tottenham (First Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

The new kid, No.77, put through his paces at Tottenham's training ground in Chigwell (wonder if anyone will be ballsy enough to cut up his underwear?):

Notice how delighted Becks' new (temporary) team-mates look.

Jose Mourinho Almost In Tears At Wesley Sneijder Ballon D’Or Speech (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

In which Wesley Sneijder tells The Special One: Yes, Jose, you are a bit Special. The best coach in the world, no less. (Er, but it's Wenger, we all know that.)

Aw, Jose has a heart!

Put Down The Chalkboards And Let Football Entertain You

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By Guy Gorman

We're all football nerds now. If you didn't know that the way to stifle a diamond midfield was to exert pressure on the opposition full-backs whilst simultaneously using a False nine to harass the opposition's deep-lying playmaker... well, you're not a true football fan.

Kenny Dalglish Unveiled As Liverpool Manager (Photos) … Let’s All Forget Old Trafford, Eh

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By Ollie Irish

He's already been in charge for one game, a 1-0 defeat at bitter rivals Man Utd in which his captain was sent off for a two-footed lunge (let's pretend it never happened, for Kenny's sake), but that didn't stop LFC wheeling out King Kenny Dalglish at Anfield on Monday, if only to send the message to fans that all traces of Roy Hodgson have been jetwashed from the club.

Kris Commons Clattered Over The Railings At Crawley Town (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If I had my way, Crawley Town hero Sergio Torres would be knighted for his Herculean efforts last night. Not only did he grab the last gasp winner that unceremoniously dumped Derby out of the FA Cup, he also found time to dump Kris Commons over the fortuitously placed pitchside railings at the Broadfield.

Tottenham Plot Shock Phil Neville Swoop – To Dare Is To Do!

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By Chris Wright

The Daily Mail are happily claiming this morning that Tottenham are in 'advanced talks' with Phil Neville – yep, you heard that right...Philip John Neville – over a January move to White Hart Lane.

The crux of the Mail's report is that, with an offer of £1.

Edinson Cavani Sees Man City Link Quashed

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By Chris Wright

Napoli hitman Edinson Cavani will NOT be joining Manchester City (or anyone else for that matter) any time soon, with his agent rejecting outright any speculation that his client may be on the verge of a big money move away from the Stadio San Paolo.

‘The Game Isn’t Built On Romance’ – Kenny Dalglish Pleads For Lower Expectations

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By Chris Wright

The recent return of Liverpool's messianic regent, King Kenneth of Dalglish, to the Anfield fold may have been enough to make full-grown Scousers lose control of their giddy bladders, but the man himself is keen to quell the 'honeymoon' atmosphere currently engulfing the club insisting that the club's supporters would be wise to begin lowering their newly re-inflated expectations:

"We have got to manage expectations.

Lionel Messi Pips Barcelona ‘Friends’ To Ballon d’Or

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By Chris Wright

After netting 60 goals for club and country during 2010, Barcelona's littlest ball of awesome Lionel Messi has been bestowed with the inaugural FIFA Ballon d'Or award (this is the first time that FIFA's Player of the Year award has been merged with France Football's golden trinket, both of which Messi won last year), pipping teammates Xavi (you get the feeling this was probably his last chance to have his artisan talents formally recognised by FIFA during his playing days) and Andres Iniesta into second and third place respectively.

Busted Flush Ahoy! Flamengo Confirm Ronaldinho Capture

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By Chris Wright

Brazilian side Flamengo have announced the signing of former AC Milan wastrel Ronaldinho on a four-year deal, thus ending Blackburn Rover's pie-in-the-sky hopes of landing the 30-year-old show-pony during the January transfer window.

Newcastle Striker Nile Ranger Gets Smiley Face Lip Tattoo (Photo)

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By Ollie Irish

According to Ranger's Twitter feed (@NilePowerRanger), "Tats are harddd". But a smiley face on the inside of your lip? Dumb, innit. Though I can hardly think of a more painful place to get inked.

My tattoo:

David Beckham Leaves Tottenham Training Ground After Medical (Photo)

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By Ollie Irish

David Beckham waves to fans and the media (there was more of the latter) as he leaves Tottenham Hotspur's training ground in Essex. Becks had a medical this morning, and was given the green light to train – not play – with Spurs over the next four weeks.

WUM WUM WUM … Jose Mourinho Winds Up Villarreal Bench (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Football's second-biggest WUM (Wind-Up Merchant for noobs), after No.1 WUM El-Hadji Diouf, was at it again on Sunday, prancing around like a tit after his Real Madrid team scored a fourth goal at Villarreal...

One of these days, someone's gonna take Jose's eye out with a coin.

Edin Dzeko Shows Up At Leicester To Watch New Club Man City – Dodgy Jacket Ahoy! (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Edin Dzeko rocked up at the Walkers Stadium to watch his new club Man City scramble to a 2-2 draw against Leicester in the FA Cup. Nice scarf fella, shame about the designer jacket though...

Whatever his fashion sense (we all know Eastern Europeans love a bit of stonewashed denim), Dzeko's a brilliant signing for City and a significant upgrade on the likes of Emmanuel Adebayor and Jo.

25 Triffic Photos Of The FA Cup Third Round

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By Ollie Irish

A memorable third round, with plenty of shocks, although you can't help but feel that several Prem managers will quietly be very happy to be out of the competition this morning. Sad but true not being relegated is now way more important than a decent cup run that would (at best) probably end in semi-final defeat against Man Utd or Chelsea.

Thierry Henry Seals Shock Arsenal Return

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By Chris Wright

I think you can probably guess where this one's going, can't you?

Arsenal have this morning confirmed that club legend and all-time leading goalscorer Thierry Henry has signed a short term deal at the Emirates that will allow him to train with the first string until the MLS in early March.

Stevenage Defender KO’d By Own Fan After FA Cup Giant-Killing (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Stevenage defender Scott Laird is brutally sparked out by a Stevenage fan after Stevenage had just pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the FA Cup third-round by dumping Premier League side Newcastle out of the competition.

Hateful Liverpool Fan Chants ‘Munich’ At Man Utd Fans (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Shameful but then some United fans reportedly sang about the Hillsborough 96 at Old Trafford on Sunday; that's simply how it goes when these two meet the blood and the hate runs deep.

Spotter's badge: 101GreatGoals

Roberto Mancini Agrees To Sign Robbie Savage Next Summer (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

Proving that he is indeed a man of many talents, ESPN's touchline poet Robbie Savage issues Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini with a cheeky 'come and get me' plea in Italiano before City's FA Cup tie with Leicester.

Diego Maradona Confirms Talks With English Club

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By Chris Wright

You could probably drive a minibus up one nostril and down the other these days

Argentinian nutball Diego Maradona has revealed that he is set to undergo a series of talks about taking over at an as-yet unnamed English side next month, with several sources in his homeland suggesting that Fulham are indeed the club in question.

Ryan Babel Apologises For ‘Howard Webb’ Twitter Jibe

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By Chris Wright

Thanks to Dimitar Berbatov's world-class 'Bulgarian Shuffle', yesterday's damp squib of an FA Cup tie between Manchester United and Liverpool was effectively settled after just 30 seconds had elapsed which, all-in-all, precipitated a fairly dire subsequent 92-and-a-half minutes of featureless toil.

QPR Line Up To Berate ‘Repulsive’ El-Hadji Diouf

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By Chris Wright

QPR striker Jamie Mackie has admonished the behaviour of 'repulsive' Blackburn winger El-Hadji Diouf after the Blackburn winger apparently goaded the stricken striker as he lay prostrate on the turf having just suffered a broken leg (a double fracture, no less) when the two sides met in the FA Cup on Saturday.

Sol Campbell Set For Third Arsenal Stint?

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By Chris Wright

With Sebastien Squillaci twanging his hamstring against Leeds over the weekend, the number of senior centre-backs that Arsenal currently have at their disposal stands at two and that's if you're willing to count Laurent Koscielny.

BREAKING NEWS! Roy Hodgson Has Left Liverpool ‘By Mutual Consent’

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool have posted an update on their official website to confirm that Roy Hodgson has left the club 'by mutual consent' and that Kenny Dalglish has been put in temporary charge for Sunday's third-round FA Cup tie against Manchester United at Old Trafford.

Is Arsene Wenger Really The Best Football Coach Of The Decade?

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By Ollie Irish

Number one, bitches

The International Federation of Football History and Statistics (IFFHS), which sounds like a tremendously fun place to work, has voted Arsene Wenger the No.1 football coach of the last decade. Wenger > Fergie, Mourinho, Allardyce, Megson, Brown et al.

The Football WAG Index: Kayla Collins, Playboy Centrefold

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By WAG Watcher

Ashley Cole is well over Cheryl, it seems...

(Gallery may feature a wee bit of NSFWery)

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 9

Shit Lookalikes: Mick McCarthy & The Train In ‘Goldeneye’

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By Chris Wright

Alas, not a patch on Mick McCartree. I think I'm still drunk.

Send your Shit Lookalikes spots to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just Tweet him on this number

Top 10 Football Alans

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By Ollie Irish

Alan is such a desperately British name, and so it's no surprise that most of the greatest football Alans have hailed from these shores. Here's our pick of the greatest Alans in football history:

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

10.

The Football Snapshot: Antonio Cassano Makes Friends Fast At Milan

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By Ollie Irish

Mad Tony Cassano gives team-mate Rodney Strasser a friendly squeeze in the sphincter zone, just seconds after Cassano had set up Strasser for Milan's winner at Cagliari.

Bum love is the only language Cassano can speak that Strasser understands, apparently.

Spot The Baller: Natalie Portman

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By Ollie Irish

Which Man Utd player (with brawny forearms) lurks beneath the charming visage of Natalie Portman? Hmm...

Greek Side Veria Miss Five Sitters In 11 Seconds! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Greek second division outfit Veria FC fluff a nailed-on chance to score once every two seconds in what can only be described as a 11-second goalmouth shit-fest...

Dear lord. I'm sure there's got to be a 'Greek tragedy' pun in their somewhere.

Ipswich Tell Roy Keane To ‘Stick His Job Up His Bollocks’

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By Chris Wright

"I find your lack of faith disturbing"

It should come as no shock that Ipswich have, as this morning, respectfully told Roy Keane to 'stick it up his bollocks' and handed him his marching orders after a middling year-and-a-half in charge at Portman Road.

Roy Hodgson’s Comedy Walkout (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Funny at first, then it goes on too long, but definitely worth watching for Sammy Lee's sinister cameo. Like Arsene Wenger, Sammy would make a splendid Child Catcher.

Leeds Explore Loan Deals For A Couple Of ‘Old Boys’

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By Chris Wright

Championship high-flyers Leeds United are reportedly working towards securing loan deals for a brace of former fans' favourites, with both Newcastle midfielder Alan Smith (can you believe that he's 30?) and recovering Tottenham crock Jonathan Woodgate both being linked with temporary returns to Elland Road.

‘Beckham Will Be At Tottenham By Sunday’ – Harry Redknapp

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By Chris Wright


"Hello there old friend"

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has confirmed to BBC Sport that he expects David Beckham to finalise his loan move from LA Galaxy to White Hart Lane at some point over the weekend.

Man Utd To Plug The Gap With £7m Inter Milan Stopper?

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By Chris Wright

Word on the wire is that Manchester United think they have a very real chance of wrapping up a £7 million deal for Inter Milan 'keeper Julio Cesar, after the Brazilian international fairly innocuously claimed to love the 'atmosphere and passion' of English football recently.

Roy Hodgson Is On Borrowed Time At Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

The general consensus in this morning's national press is that Roy Hodgson may just have taken charge of his final game at Liverpool, with Wednesday night's 3-1 defeat to Blackburn proving to be the final nail in his proverbial coffin.

Edin Dzeko Stranded At Heathrow As Man City Move Hits Snag

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By Chris Wright

Having been teetering on the brink of completing his £27 million transfer to Manchester City for nearly a week now, Wolfsburg striker Edin Dzeko's protracted switch to Eastlands has reportedly hit another snag a snag that left him stranded at Heathrow Airport for a good couple of hours.

The Football Snapshot: Aston Villa 0-1 Sunderland

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By Ollie Irish

"Come on Gab, it's only a light roasting we're after..."

Aston Villa's Gabriel Agbonlahor is restrained by Sunderland's Titus Bramble and Anton Ferdinand, during Villa's 1-0 defeat at home to the Mackems. Not a good place to be, in any way.

Felipe Melo Goes Loco, Sent Off Again (Video) – Ain’t That A Kick In The Head?

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By Ollie Irish

One-time Arsenal transfer target Felipe Melo is getting a rep as a total mentalist. Indeed, the Brazilian midfielder is far from 'mellow'...

... Ahem. Melo was sent off at the 2010 World Cup (sooo last year) for Brazil, and this week saw red for a blatant kick in the face of Parma's Massimo Paci.

Viral Football: Mick McCartree

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By Ollie Irish

+

=

Mick McCartree.

Spotted on Reddit.com

Hodgson, Ancelotti, Houllier, Grant – Who Will Win The Premier League Sack Race?

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By Ollie Irish

Four Prem gaffers are under immense pressure right now, with the possibility that all four could be out of a job come February. The beleaguered quartet are:

Gerard Houllier, Aston Villa It's worse than we first feared. Nurse, the screens.

Shit Lookalikes: Leon Best & Drake

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By Ollie Irish

Best is a striker for Newcastle United.

Drake is a rapper and former star of TV series 'Degrassi: The Next Generation'.

Spotter's badge: David Fong

Send yer nominations for Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

Barcelona To Wear Black Away Kit Next Season? (With Photo)

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By Ollie Irish

This is supposedly a first look at Barcelona's next away shirt (source: El Mundo Deportivo), made by Nike and complete with Qatar Foundation sponsor's logo on the chest. You might think it's for goalkeeper Victor Valdes, who has been the man in the black in recent seasons, but no, it's for the outfield players: Messi, Xavi and co.

Sylvie Van Der Vaart Has Awesome (Fake) Football Skills (Video)

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By WAG Watcher

Almost as unrealistic as the sharks in Deep Blue Sea. But infinitely more watchable.

Man Utd 2-1 Stoke – The Nani & Chicharito Show (Photos & Video)

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By Ollie Irish

And Manchester United keep on winning, rarely by a big margin but decisively nonetheless. Fergie's team are now 20 games undefeated in the Prem, which is the second-best such run in a Premier League season (behind Arsenal's Invincibles of 2003-04, of course).

Frank Lampard’s Ex WAG Dating Peter Andre

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By WAG Watcher

Australian C-list celeb Peter Andre is dating Frank Lampard's ex, Elen Rives. Yuck squared. It's enough to make your lunch reappear.

Rives: perky

Andre: talented

According to the soaraway Daily Star, Andre is head over heels in love with Lampsy's former WAG: "She is so classy and beautiful, just the change I needed after everything that has happened in the last two years," he told friends (translation: his people called up the Star and spoonfed them the 'story').

The Premier League Team Of The Season … So Far

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By Ollie Irish

With the Premier League season now into its second half, it's time to pause, cogitate and deliberate on the Prem team of the season so far. In a 4-5-1 formation, this is our selection of star performers – there is no Fabregas, no Gerrard, no Lampard, no Drogba, no Titus Bramble.

Cesc Fabregas Hints At New Player For Arsenal

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By Ollie Irish

Ooh, the big tease!

Cesc followed this up by tweeting "You guys are so impatient ... can you not wait 24h??? :-p"

Yes, we are impatient. No, we can't wait.

Any idea who Fabregas is referring to? I haven't heard any decent Arsenal transfer rumours lately, but Cesc obviously knows something we don't.

Shit Lookalikes: Sandro Rosell & Jon Cryer From ‘Two And A Half Men’

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By Ollie Irish

Rosell is president of Barcelona.

Cryer is one of the most annoying actors on US television.

Spotter's badge for Mark Ashworth.

Send yer nominations for Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just Tweet me up

Jose Mourinho Stumbles Into Dugout (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Watch your step, Jose. It's called a dugout for a reason...

Get this on You've Been Framed, sharpish – Harry Hill would have a field day with it.

Anything that pricks the monstrous ego of Mourinho is a good thing in our book, but then as you know, we're very easily pleased here at Pies.

Robert Snodgrass Spits At Craig Bellamy

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By Ollie Irish

As well as scoring a triffic goal (albeit a consolation goal) against Cardiff tonight, Leeds United's Robert Snodgrass appeared to spit at Cardiff City's Craig Bellamy. Well, if you're gonna gob on anyone, the Welsh Bellend is an excellent choice.

The Football Snapshot: Sheffield Wednesday’s Tango Man Braves The Cold

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By Ollie Irish

Sheffield Wednesday fan Paul Gregory, well known to all Wednesday fans as 'Tango Man', shows off his guns – and his gut – during his side's League One match at Huddersfield Town. Gregory went home unhappy though, as Town won 1-0.

Neil Warnock Mocks Jamie Redknapp’s Dress Sense (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

I like Neil Warnock more and more. Literally.

WAG Watch! Wayne Bridge Dating Frankie Sandford From The Saturdays

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By WAG Watcher

A strong sign that the world will end in 2011: Man City defender Wayne Bridge is dating Frankie Sandford, one-fifth of terrible girl group The Saturdays. How did this happen? She is rather cute, he is a thick-as-shit bore; we thought she might be better than this.

Top 20 Football Videos Of 2010, Part 2

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By Ollie Irish

Yep, I finally got around to compiling part 2 of this end-of-year list, albeit a year late (part 1 here):

Maicon scores the best goal in 2009-10 My fav goal of last season, for reasons outlined here.


Maradona warms up to Opus
Not from 2010, obviously, but it's the year I discovered this awesome clip, and that's good enough for me.

Aston Villa Fans Sing ‘Let’s Pretend We Scored A Goal’ At Anfield (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

One of the funnier football things wot I did see over the festive period:

Postmodern Villa fans!? Proof that the world has gone full retard.

File alongside "Let's pretend our manager isn't Gerard Houllier" and "Let's pretend Brad Friedel is still really good".

Romeo Beckham Is 26th Most Stylish ‘Man’ Around, Says GQ Magazine

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By Ollie Irish

"Dad, I simply must have that Prada cape."

GQ magazine says, when it comes to fashion Romeo Beckham (who is eight years old) is "frighteningly tuned in". Romeo made their 50 Most Stylish Men bullshit list, at No.26 no less.

David Walker-Smith, who works in menswear at Selfridges, agrees.

Man City ‘Agree Fee’ For Edin Dzeko (Adebayor To Real Madrid On Loan?)

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By Ollie Irish

Edin Dzeko: Desirable to all

The Guardian's Barney Ronay captured best the ubiquity of Edin Dzeko, in a superb piece about the January transfer window:

"The player who is suddenly everywhere will, once again, be everywhere.

David O’Leary Wants To Fight Zlatan … You Don’t Mess With The Zlatan (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Spotter's badge: Caught Offside

Pig-nosed eejut David O'Leary, who no doubt still has brutal, sweat-inducing nightmares from which he wakes up screaming "My babies!", fronted up to martial artist/footballer Zlatan during Al Ahli's exhibition match (the Emirates Challenge Cup football is not golf ffs) against Milan.

Dad 1-0 Son – Happy New Year!

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By Ollie Irish

Our first post of 2011 was going to be a 10,000-word essay on the socio-political importance of Ultras in Italian football. Or this. ... This. Always this.

And by the way, what sort of a competitive dad runs to check on his son's wellbeing. Tough love, pops, tough love.