Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2010

Grieving Chelsea Boss Carlo Ancelotti Plans To Attend Arsenal Game

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea have confirmed that manager Carlo Ancelotti fully intends on taking control of his side against Arsenal on Sunday, despite the death of his father yesterday.

Giuseppe Ancelotti passed away at the age of 87 in Italy last night with his son at his side.

Retro Soccer: 15 Brilliant Photos Of The New York Cosmos, Starring Pele And Cruyff

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By Ollie Irish

October 1977: Pele cheered after his final game for the New York Cosmos, an exhibition match against Santos of Brazil. The Cosmos won 2-1, with Pele playing one half for each team. They were the only clubs he played for in a career that spanned more than 20 years

Click on the thumbnails below to see the extra-large, high-res versions (which you're free to download).

Forgotten Wonder Goals: Guti’s Scissor Volley, Real Madrid v Villarreal

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By Ollie Irish

The entire video of great Real volleys is worth sitting through, but for the purposes of this post we're talking only about No.2 in the list (starts at 3min 12sec):

And that's what makes Guti special: his admirable instinct for the extraordinary.

Umbro Unveil New Home Kit For New York Cosmos (With Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Today Umbro unveiled the new home kit for the reformed New York Cosmos.

This from the press release:

"As part of the club's rebirth, Umbro has applied its celebrated football-tailoring ethos to a new on-field performance and off-field lifestyle line for The New York Cosmos club.

Larissa Riquelme Had A Nose Job! (With Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Stop the world, stop the press, stop what you're doing because this is BIG. Bigger even than Peter Crouch's slippers...

Thanks to an unethical plastic surgeon, we now know that Paraguay superfan/superbabe Larissa Riquelme has had... gulp... a nose job.

Xavi Left Out Of Spain Squad For Euro 2012 Qualifiers – Will Miss Scotland Game

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By Chris Wright

Spain coach Vicente Del Bosque has chosen to omit Barcelona midfielder Xavi from his squad for their upcoming Euro 2012 qualifiers with Lithuania (October 8th) and Scotland (October 12th).

The undisputed master of the five-yard pass has been left out due to worries over a persistant Achilles tendon problem.

In Pictures: Tottenham 4-1 Twente – Drama Queen Van Der Vaart Sent Off

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By Ollie Irish

Pav stubs his toe. Or scores a penalty

Wow, that was some ride. Through curtains of rain in north London, you could make out one world-class footballer, struggling to get his colleagues to sing from the same team sheet: Rafael van der Vaart may be a classic 'Look at me!

Sky Sports Reporter Alan McInally Misses Blackpool Own Goal (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

This is what happens when you ask match reporters to face the opposite direction to the match they're reporting on. It's not rocket science, even if Chris Kamara, McInally and co. frequently make it look that difficult. And at the centre of the storm, there is always Sir Jeff Stelling to steady the ship.

World’s Cockiest Goalkeeper Fails, Then Goes A Bit Mental (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Of course you remember the cocky antics of Moroccan keeper Khalid Askri. He's the man who saved a penalty then walked away to celebrate... except the ball had spin on it and rolled back into the net. Instant karma for him, instant fun for us.

Anyway, it seems he's failed spectacularly to learn his lesson, as this vid shows:

He didn't take it well, ripping off his gloves and shirt and storming off the pitch in sensational fashion.

Karim Benzema Doesn’t Work Hard Enough And Listens To ‘False Friends’

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By Chris Wright

France manager Laurent Blanc has criticised striker Karim Benzema, saying that the Real Madrid wastrel will never regain the form he displayed at Lyon because he 'doesn't work hard enough' at his game and frequently has his head turned by 'yes men'.

Football GIFs: Harry Redknapp’s Infinite Twitch

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By Ollie Irish

Simple but effective. We like.

Classic Harry Redknapp Banner: Judas Twitchy Scummer

More GIFs



In Pictures: Rangers 1-0 Bursaspor, Champions League – Naismith FTW

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By Ollie Irish

Such is the abject state of Scottish football that even a slender win at Ibrox against hitherto unheard-of opponents must be celebrated to the rafters. Steven Naismith, who had a fine game, scored the winner to give the Gers their first Champions League win in 14 attempts.

Versus: David Beckham DB Adidas Sneakers vs Nike Air Max 90 ‘I Am The Rules’

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By Ollie Irish

Take two pairs of football-themed sneaks and put em head to head. Then you choose a winner. Simple.

In the blue corner, we have Adidas Originals James Bond DB ZX800 sneakers, for David Beckham's Originals range:

Versus.

Shit Football Kits: Every Nottingham Forest Goalkeeper Kit Of The Mid-1990s

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By Chris Wright

Poor old Mark Crossley, pictured in the 1993-94, 1995-97 (home) and 1995-97 (away) kits

There was a time in the late 1980s/early '90s when all the various factions of kit designers got together and forged a gentleman's agreement that they, upon realising things were spiralling dangerously out of control, would all endeavour to strip football shirt design back to it's bare minimum once again.

Samuel L Jackson Is Going To Save Liverpool Football Club!

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By Chris Wright

"I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you"

Troubled Liverpool fans can put their baseball bats and ski-masks away, because help is at hand and from a fairly unlikely source.

A gaggle of Hollywood producers, directors and actors are planning to release a short film highlighting the supporters' continuing protests against the club's rootin' tootin' owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett.

Man City Hope To Wrap Up A Deal For ‘The New Messi’

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By Chris Wright

10% Lionel Messi, 90% Yossi Benayoun

Manchester City are hopeful of securing the signature of former Barcelona starlet Gai Assulin, after the 19-year-old Israeli flew in to England to undergo a medical at Eastlands this very morning.

French Soccer Babe Melody Donchet Is A Brilliant Freestyler (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Okay, maybe 'babe' is stretching the truth, but you can't deny the girl has got some impressive tekkers.



Football Gear: Adidas Originals x Star Wars ‘Good & Evil’ Shirts

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By Ollie Irish

Football-loving sci-fi nerds of the world (there must be a few out there), rejoice at this Good and Evil pair of Adidas Originals Star Wars footy shirts.

Good:

Evil (boo, hiss etc.):

The Devil has the best tunes; Vader has the best football shirt, no contest.

FIFA Introduce New Online Transfer System To Prevent Deadline Day ‘Chicken’

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham's deadline day signing Rafael van der Vaart

FIFA have revealed that their new online Transfer Matching System (TMS) will become compulsory this Friday, a move which they hope will, amongst other things, prevent clubs from 'playing chicken' with each other on transfer deadline day.

In Pictures: Manchester United Train For Valencia Champions League Clash – Evra Does Kung Fu

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By Ollie Irish

Starring Bebe, a flying Evra (and his penis) and a classic Midnight Express moment between Chicharito and Berba. Click the thumbnails to see the full-size pics:

Photos: PA

Precitions for tonight's game? I'm going for Valencia 1-0 Man Utd


Valencia vs Man Utd: Predict The Resultonline survey



Let’s Hear It For… Preston North End’s Miracle Comeback At Leeds (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Leeds fans, look away now...

Leeds United manager Simon Grayson, embarrassed after his side's capitulation

Wow. Wow x6. When Leeds United went 4-1 up on 39 minutes at home to struggling Preston in the Championship last night, no one could have foreseen North End's stunning comeback.

The Football WAG Index No.34: Zabeena Harris

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By WAG Watcher

Say hello to English model Zabeena Harris, who went out with Man Utd crock Owen Hargreaves for a few months, after he split from long-time WAG Janelle Khouri. After she dumped poor Owen (cause he went on a secret, reconciliatory date with Khouri, apparently), Zabeena lowered her sights and moved on to Millwall's Chris Hackett.

Toto Schillachi’s Wig Is Amazing

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By Ollie Irish

Toto Schillachi in the summer of 1990:

As you can see, Toto was already losing his hair back then, some 20 years ago.

Toto Schillachi in the summer of 2010:

It's a tonsorial miracle of Biblical proportions!

What Is Barcelona’s Best Five-Aside Team?

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By Ollie Irish

If you had to select the best five-aside team from your club's squad, who would be in it? There can be only five, as they once said in Highlander (sort of).

With the fives of Arsenal and Aston Villa tucked safely in our shorts, today is the turn of the mighty, awesome, godlike, we-are-not-worthy Barcelona.

Topless Cristiano Ronaldo Stars In Surreal Watch Ad (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Ronaldo shills for Time Force watches in a lavish and nonsensical ad.

Time Force is a rubbish name for a watch company, but it is apt when you see how rubbish and vulgar their products look. You can totally see why they wanted C-Ron, then.

Former France Manager Raymond Domenech Signs On To ‘Le Dole’

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By Chris Wright

French radio station Europe1 are reporting that France's worst, but paradoxically also their longest-serving, manager Raymond Domenech has 'signed on' to the dole at his local employment office and will receive €5600 a month in benefit.

In Pictures: Chelsea 2-0 Marseille – Gael Kakuta Catches Eye

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By Ollie Irish

Overall Chelsea didn't play that well against Marseille (twas a classic 6/10 display), but even without Didier Drogba and Frank Lampard they were much too strong for the Ligue 1 side. French youngster Gael Kakuta caught the eye with a lively performance shame he was taken off midway through the second half; I wanted to see more, but by then Marseille were threatening to score and Ancelotti wanted to consolidate his side's 2-0 lead.

Classic Banners: Don’t Bomb Iraq, Nuke Manchester

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By Ollie Irish

Those cheeky Scousers, they don't really mean it...

March 2003: Spotted in the Liverpool end at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium during the 2002-03 League Cup final political banners at football matches are rare indeed. The Iraq War began less than three weeks after the final.

Jermain Defoe Wants To End His Career At Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham are set to take on Dutch side FC Twente in the Champions League tonight, and striker Jermain Defoe is once again set to miss out on proceedings as he continues his recovery from the ankle injury he sustained whilst on international duty earlier this month.

Shit Lookalikes: Hatem Ben Arfa & Laurent Robert

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By Ollie Irish

Ben Arfa is a mercurial French footballer who plays for Newcastle. He looks brilliant but will turn out to be a bust.

Robert is a mercurial French footballer who played for Newcastle. He looked brilliant but turned out to be a bust.

Aston Villa Boss Gerard Houllier To Dump £16m Trio?

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier has but three short months to decide whether or not he will allow £16 million's worth of flesh and freckles to waltz out of the club on free transfers.

The contracts of Nigel Reo-Coker (£7.

Newcastle Beat Man Utd To The Signing Of French ‘Starlet’ Yven Moyo

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle have signed 18-year-old winger Yven Moyo on a four-year contract after the youngster impressed whilst on trial with the club.

Moyo has been repeatedly linked with some of Europe's biggest clubs including Manchester United, Ajax and Bordeaux so it would seem like Chris Hughton and co.

Liverpool Duo Steven Gerrard And Fernando Torres Will Move On In January

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By Chris Wright

Former Liverpool winger Steve McManaman has admitted that he fears star duo Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres will jump ship in the January transfer window, if the club remains under it's current rootin' tootin' ownership and the players themselves don't begin to show signs of improvement.

Sunderland ‘Keeper Craig Gordon Ready To Return After Ten Months Out

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland 'keeper Craig Gordon has declared himself ready to return to action after spending the best part of the previous calendar year out with a recurring fracture to his arm.

Gordon originally had metal plates inserted after breaking his arm in a challenge with Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe back in November of last year, and then duly broke it again during pre-season training after having the plates removed in July of this year.

Retro Football: Wayne Rooney Scores Champions League Hat-Trick On Man Utd Debut

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By Ollie Irish

Rooney's United debut, vs Fenerbahce at Old Trafford. Not three bad:

That happened on 28 September 2004, exactly six years ago. Today Rooney stayed in England as United travelled to Spain to play Valencia in the same competition. Whether he has an injury or he has been dropped is unclear, though United's official line is the former.

Arsenal Give Trial To Teenage Defender Rejected By Barcelona

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By Ollie Irish

Mamelodi Sundowns teenage centre-back Siyanda Xulu (great surname) is currently on trial with Arsenal, after a move to Barcelona failed to come off.

Sundowns communication manager Alex Shakoane told the Sowetan newspaper that his club are over the moon about the prospect of Xulu, 18, moving to England.

Stuart Attwell Dropped After Liverpool Horror Show – Or Not?

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By Ollie Irish

The Premier League insist that under-fire referee Stuart Attwell has NOT been dropped for this weekend's Prem programme following Saturday's incident-packed match between Liverpool and Sunderland at Anfield.

Attwell has been named only the fourth official for Tottenham's game against Aston Villa at White Hart Lane this weekend.

Retro Horror Hair: Chris Garland, Bristol City

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By Ollie Irish

Holding up a football is just a cunning strategy to detract attention from Garland's enormous and unnecessary combover. When you have enough hair for 11 men, why would you opt for a combover style? Mysterious. I call this the Executive Combover Deluxe.

Carles Puyol Looks Ridiculous In Marie Claire Shoot (With Pics)

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By Ollie Irish

Photos: Marie Claire

Puyol being the least metrosexual, image-conscious footballer you can imagine Paul Scholes apart this is a brilliantly incongruous photoshoot.

I can't go without at least mentioning Puyol's remarkable torso, which detracts attention from his remarkable face.

In Pictures: Chelsea Train For Marseille Champions League Clash

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By Ollie Irish

Photos: PA

Didier Drogba trained with Chelsea for this evening's Marseille clash in the Chaaaaaaaampions League, but he won't play against his former club as he is serving the second part of a two-match ban.

Prediction? I say Chelsea 1-0 Marseille



The Football Mascot Index No.5: Flix & Trix, Official Euro 2008 Mascots

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By Ollie Irish

Names: Flix and Trix

Mascot of: They were the official mascots for the 2008 European Championship, held in Switzerland and Austria. Trix (white shirt) represented professional footballers' love of prostitutes, while his twin Flix (red shirt) was more interested in tekkers.

Football GIFs: Gareth Barry in Team America

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By Ollie Irish

"Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?"

Barry's emotionless face fits just perfectly.

Shit Lookalikes: Emile Heskey & Candyman

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By Ollie Irish

Heskey is a striker of sorts. If you say his name five times he may sign for your club.

Candyman is a villain of sorts. If you say his name five times, bad things may happen, possibly involving bees.

Send your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.

My Favourite Kit: Inter 1980s

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By Matthew Barker

Inter's Germans Matthaus, Klinsmann and Brehme in the Uhlsport kit in the late 1980s

Must seem pretty odd now, in this age of full-on saturation Champions League coverage, but there was a time, back in the 1980s, when you could only catch occasional glimpses of European club football on your TV.

FIFA To Compensate Togolese ‘Keeper Injured In African Nations Shooting

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By Chris Wright

The Togolese 'keeper that was shot twice in the back during an armed raid on the Togo team bus during the African Cup of Nations in Angola earlier this year has been handed a donation of $25,000 by FIFA a fairly paltry sum considering that Kodjovi Obilale now owes over $140,000 in medical bills after a seven month hospital stay.

Totti’s WAG Ilary Blasi Sizzles On Vanity Fair Cover

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By WAG Watcher

Francesco Totti's missus Ilary Blasi is the cover girl for the latest issue of Italian Vanity Fair. This can only be a good thing.

The Football WAG Index No.33: Ilary Blasi (Totti's Totty)



Pick A Name For Roman Abramovich’s Subterranean Chelsea Nightclub

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By Chris Wright

There's a good chance that this is flagrant horsesh*t, but apparently Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is building a £20 million 'nightclub complex' under Stamford Bridge so that he can 'keep an eye' on his wayward players.

The as-yet nameless club is said to be based on a club Abramovich fell in love with in America and, amongst other things, will feature a £150,000 waterfall at the entrance and big cereal bowls of cocaine for the Terry party.

What Is Aston Villa’s Best 5-Aside Team?

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By Chris Nee

Here's my ideal Villa five-aside team:

BRAD FRIEDEL There's not too much choice for Villa in goal. Little Brad doesn't get much of a chance, what with Big Brad's amazing consecutive games record, so Friedel gets the nod.

Chicago Fire Fans Unveil Huge Super Mario Banner (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

As a taunt to rivals Seattle Sounders who are sponsored up the ass by Microsoft's Xbox Chicago Fire's hardcore fans, aka Section 8, unveiled this huge Super Mario banner before their recent MLS clash. Not that it helped, as the Fire crashed and burned in a 1-0 loss that effectively ends their season.

Didier Deschamps Was Liverpool’s First Choice To Take Over From Rafa Benitez

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By Chris Wright

Didier Deschamps goes rummaging through Platini's ballbag

Marseille manager Didier Deschamps has revealed that he was approached by Liverpool over the summer, and was the club's first-choice to take over from the now-departed (so to speak) Rafa Benitez.

Jermaine Jenas Considered Leaving Tottenham, But Sadly Didn’t

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham midfielder and all-round swell muchacho Jermaine Jenas has admitted that he came close to quitting the club over the summer but, upon receiving no offers of any kind after undergoing surgery to a long-standing groin problem, he now believes he has everything at his disposal to sustain a run in the first-team;

"There has been constant rumours about me leaving but I just wanted to be settled and part of the Tottenham team again.

Chicago Fire Fans Unveil Huge Super Mario Banner (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

As a taunt to rivals Seattle Sounders who are sponsored up the ass by Microsoft's Xbox Chicago Fire's hardcore fans, aka Section 8, unveiled this huge Super Mario banner before their recent MLS clash. Not that it helped, as the Fire crashed and burned in a 1-0 loss that effectively ends their season.

Pies Classics: Ian Wright’s Girly Laugh, 2006 World Cup

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By Ollie Irish

The scene: Korea equalise against France in the 2006 World Cup. BBC pundit Marcel Desailly tries to explain, in his best English, what happened to the French at the back, when suddenly fellow pundit Ian Wright laughs like a big girl, at William Gallas's petulant reaction to the goal.

Six Things We Learned In The Premier League This Weekend

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By Ollie Irish

1. David Ginola and Lee Dixon > The Two Alans. Ginola and Dixon may have kicked lumps out of each other back in the day (Ginola once named Dixon as the best opponent he ever faced), but as colleagues on the MotD2 sofa, they showed the potential to be punditry's excellent new Odd Couple.

Frank Lampard Ruled Out Of Key Chelsea And England Games

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By Chris Wright

A minor setback in his bid to recover from hernia surgery will see Frank Lampard ruled out until after England's Euro 2012 qualifier against Montenegro on October 12th.

Lampard hasn't featured for Chelsea in over a month, and is now also set to miss out on their key European and domestic games with Marseille and Arsenal respectively.

In Pictures: The Premier League Weekend, 25-26 September 2010 – Shocks Galore!

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By Ollie Irish

The best pics from another intriguing weekend in the Prem. Click any thumbnail below to launch the easy, breezy gallery:

Photos: PA



Didier Drogba & Fernando Torres Will Be Man City’s Main Strikers Next Season

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By Ollie Irish

This is just a hunch, but I am about to bet real money that both Didier Drogba and Fernando Torres will be playing in the sky blue of Manchester City next season, with Emmanuel Adebayor (definitely) and Carlos Tevez (possibly) nowhere to be seen at Eastlands.

Ajax Midfielder Evander Sno Resumes Training Just Two Weeks After Heart Attack

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By Chris Wright

'Twas only a fortnight ago that Pies brought you the shocking news that former Celtic and Bristol City midfielder Evander Sno suffered a heart attack on the field whilst playing for the Ajax reserves.

After coming on as a half-time substitute, Sno collapsed minutes later and had to be defibrillated on the turf before he regained consciousness.

Goal Of The Weekend: Carlos Tevez, Man City v Chelsea

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By Ollie Irish

I think Nani's solo goal at Bolton was a more impressive effort (he had more defenders in front of him and less space to work in), but in terms of significance to the Prem title race, Carlitos gets the nod; his powerful run kept Cole & Terry on the back foot, then his finish was beautifully angled and gave Cech absolutely no chance of saving it.

Koptalk Website Encourges Liverpool Fans To Scare The Sh*t Out Of Hicks And Gillett

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By Ollie Irish

Duncan Oldham, the editor of Liverpool fansite KopTalk, has attracted a lot of attention for posting an article which encourages Liverpool fans to "put the frightners [sic]" on unloved owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett.

The ill-judged piece, titled ‘Get the baseball bats and ski-masks ready!

What Is Arsenal’s Best 5-Aside Team?

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By Ollie Irish

If you had to select the best 5-aside team from your club's squad, who would be in it? There can be only five, as they once said in Highlander (sort of).

It's a frivolous question, certainly, but one that should generate a good amount of debate, preferably with your mates down the pub.

Are Juventus Really Eyeing Up Stoke City’s Baddest Baddie?

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By Chris Wright

It's easy to forget that, before he disassembled Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey's lower body at the tail-end of last season, Stoke defender Ryan Shawcross was supposedly being courted by most of the Premier League's elite with Manchester United said to have tabled a firm offer for a player who fleetingly made it into the England set-up not so very long ago.

Arsene Wenger Is No Alchemist

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By Alex Netherton

It's my duty to hate Arsene Wenger. Whatever he does at Arsenal, I have to hate him, because he's doing it at Arsenal. That's my lot. However, he has so much going for him that on occasion I'm doing my seething through gritted teeth. His Christ pose at Old Trafford last season was a man fully in touch with his self-worth.

Didier Drogba Hints That He May Not Finish His Career At Chelsea

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has given the subtlest of subtle hints that he may not finish his playing career with the club, despite stating on numerous occasions prior that he was 'determined' to finish up at Stamford Bridge.

Barcelona’s Gerard Pique Urges Fernando Torres To Leave Liverpool – Sound Familiar?

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By Chris Wright

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before. Barcelona defender Gerard Pique has claimed that Fernando Torres is 'embarrassed' at having to play for Liverpool, and that a move to the Camp Nou would ease the striker's worried mind.

How healthy is your heart? Log on to Man MOT to speak with a GP on World Heart Day

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Sponsored post from Pfizer

As you may already know heart disease is the number one threat to men's health in Britain with one in every four men dying from the disease. So what can you do to keep the risk to a minimum? Do you know what your blood pressure is? Or how about your cholesterol levels?

Video: Angry David Beckham Confronts LA Galaxy Fan Over Prostitute Taunts

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By Ollie Irish

But we can't say it to your face Dave, cause you is too beautiful to behold, innit.

Via Dirty Tackle



Gary Neville Gets On My Nerves, Talks Too Much – Ryan Giggs

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By Ollie Irish

Gary Neville, mouth shut for once

Quote of the week:

"He [Gary Neville] does get on your nerves because he talks too much," Ryan Giggs (not a big talker) said this week. "I do wish he'd shut up just occasionally."

File this under Least Surprising Football News Of All Time.

David Beckham Sues Magazine Over Prostitute Threesome Claims

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By Ollie Irish

Irma Nici, fifth best prostitute in Bosnia

The internet says David Beckham has initiated a lawsuit against In Touch magazine; it was filed on Friday in Los Angeles County Superior Court, according to Radar.

Beckham's camp alleges "libel, slander and intentional infliction of emotional distress", mere days after the gossip rag ran a cover story by prostitute Irma Nici, who claims she and another prostitute slept with the former England captain, for hard cash, in the summer of 2007.

Wesley Sneijder Admits He ‘Could Never Say No To Man Utd’

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By Chris Wright

The dirty flirt!

It's Sunday bloomin' morning so I'm going to make this one brief. Inter Milan star Wesley Sneijder has, once again, come as close to admitting that he wants to join Manchester United without actually uttering the words as is humanly possible.

Pies Classics: David Dunn’s Rabona Goes Brilliantly Wrong

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By Ollie Irish

In which Birmingham City's David Dunn wakes up on match day and believes he's magically turned into Ronaldinho overnight. He hasn't. He's still David Dunn, and let's give thanks for that...

Never gets old.



Top 10 Football Links: 20-24 September

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By Ollie Irish

Well played young man. That was proper foot-ball, mmm

Ten of the best football posts I saw elsewhere this week:

1. Diary of a pro footballer: Secrets of the dressing room, by Rohan Ricketts Sabotage Times

2. The Joy of Six: Great players who were never capped for their country Guardian Sport

3.

Football Pielights: 20-24 September

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By Ollie Irish

Morning all. To recap, some cool posts you might have missed on whoateallthepies.tv this week. Click on the thumbnails to be magically transported to each story...



The Black-And-White-Years: Lofthouse’s Bolton Train For 1958 FA Cup Final

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By Ollie Irish

April 1958: FA Cup finalists Bolton Wanderers jump to impress during a photo shoot prior to the final at Wembley. From left to right: Nat Lofthouse, Ralph Gubbins, Brian Birch, Dennis Stevens, Roy Hartle, Eddie Hopkinson, John Higgins, Brian Edwards, Doug Holden and Derek Hennin.

In Pictures: Fulham Train For Visit Of Everton

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By Ollie Irish

Some exclusive(ish) pics of Fulham in training ahead of this weekend's Prem game against strugglers Everton at the Cottage. Click on any thumbnail to breeze through the gallery with impossible ease:

Photos: PA



Carles Puyol Dating Hot Spanish Model – Beauty And The Beast

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By Ollie Irish

Here's Carles Puyol:

He looks like a 21st-century caveman on smack.

And here's his new girlfriend, the model Malena Costa:

Hmm. Is life fair? You decide.

Via Poprosa

10 footballers who are punching above their weight



Shit Football Kits: Athletic Bilbao 2004

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By Ollie Irish

Basque artist Dario Urzay designed this eyepopping shirt to mark Athletic Bilbao's centenary they only wore it in a short UEFA Cup campaign in 2004. The shirt is supposed to evoke a blood splatter, but it looks more like an explosion in a strawberry jam factory.

Video: Real Madrid Returf The Bernabeu Pitch In Less Than Two Days

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By Ollie Irish

It took ground staff at Real Madrid less than two days to returf the Bernabeu, after the old pitch was blighted by a fungus. Fast work chaps.



In Pictures: Newcastle United Train In The Rain For Stoke Clash

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By Ollie Irish

A few pics of Newcastle United's stars training ahead of this weekend's visit of big, ugly Stoke City in the Premier League. Andy Carroll vs Stoke's central defence should be worth the price of admission alone.

Photos: PA



Shit Kits: Athletic Bilbao 2004

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By Ollie Irish

Basque artist Dario Urzay designed this eyepopping shirt to mark Athletic Bilbao's centenary they only wore it in a short UEFA Cup campaign in 2004. Thank God for small mercies. The shirt is supposed to evoke a blood splatter, but it looks more like an explosion in a strawberry jam factory.

In Another Life: Joe Hart, Scottish Women’s Rugby International

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By Ollie Irish

In another life England goalkeeper Joe Hart would be a Scottish women's rugby international. I see him as a burly, red-cheeked forward, and there's every chance he'd be related to Colin Hendry Jo McHart, his sports-mad niece, perhaps?

Scientists Name Asteroid After Dutch Legend Johan Cruyff

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By Chris Wright

Hosannah! Dutch scientific journalist Carl Koppeschaar has finally succeeded in his quest to see an asteroid renamed in honour of Holland legend Johann Cruyff.

The asteroid was originally named '14282′ when it was discovered by Dutch astrologists back in the 1960s but now, thanks to Koppeschaar's fine work, the completely inconsequential piece of space rock will be forever known as 'Cruijff'.

Pies Prem Prediction League: Week 6

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By Ollie Irish

"Tell you what Hutch, I fancy Chelsea this week."

Five weeks in, the indecently long table looks like this:

Ping Yang – 49
Davey Chicago – 43
Pies – 40
Lawro – 39

Fellaini's Fro – 36
Lloyd – 36
Cape Toon – 34
George – 34
B Sides – 33
Edhehe – 31
Jawillia – 31
Al Neri – 30
Yahhhsteve – 30
Rich – 29
Thrillson – 29
Hollis – 28
Jesus – 28
Sariann – 28
South City – 28
Enrique – 27
Tottenblog – 27
Dickardinho – 26
Mareantheone – 26
Mark Holleran – 26
Mooks – 26
Mizman – 25
Philando Torres – 25
Michael – 24
Lucid – 23
Megaman 789 – 23
Raybuck Luck – 23
Rob – 23
The ball is round – 23
Kalezu – 22
Syndex – 22
Lefty – 21
R-Hops – 21
Sam Humphreys 21
DaveHackney – 20
Java – 20
OlisHoplo – 20
Podge – 20
Trololololo 20
Eamogomez 19
Adam FJ – 18
Jon 18
Isaac 18
Shivam Manghnani – 18
Donner Meat – 16
Luke 16
Marquette Jer 16
M.

Roberto Mancini Accuses Man City Players Of ‘Only Targeting Their Day Off’

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By Chris Wright

Roberto Mancini picture, rather ironically, on his day off

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has revealed that he is trying to instill a winning mentality at Eastlands after growing tired of certain members of his squad shirking their responsibilities.

Top 10 Offensive Football-In-Mouth Moments

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By Ollie Irish

Did they really just say that?

"I am a fascist, not a racist."
Italian forward Paolo di Canio defends his infamous salutes (see above). And fails.

"There is a demon in their spirits, their spirits are ill.

Retro Football: 15 Brilliant Pictures Of Young Glenn Hoddle

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By Ollie Irish

Yes, the thumbnails are back. You win, you lovely bunch of bastards. NOTE: If you click on any thumbnail image, you'll open the whole gallery, and it should be a veritable breeze to scroll through.

What better subject to inaugurate the new format than the mighty Sir Glenn of Hoddle.

Gerard Houllier And Gary McAllister: Hope Or Dread?

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By Ollie Irish

If you looked down from the stands and saw these two men in charge of your team, what would you feel: hope or dread?


Houllier And McAllister: Hope Or Dread?Market Research



Tottenham Agree Deal For South African International Bongani Khumalo

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have agreed a £1.5 million deal to sign South African international defender Bongani Khumalo that will see the 23-year-old moving from SuperSport United to White Hart Lane in January after he impressed manager Harry Redknapp during a trial period last month.

Didier Drogba To Have French Football Stadium Named After Him

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By Ollie Irish

Chelsea's Didier Drogba is set to have a whole football stadium named after him.

French fourth-division club Levallois Sporting has announced that its new stadium will be named after Drogba. The player will be present at an official ceremony on September 29 in the small town of Levallois-Perret, located on the northern outskirts of Paris.

Sir Alex Ferguson Admits That Wayne Rooney Is ‘Struggling To Cope’ With Tabloid Glare

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted that Wayne Rooney's lacklustre performances of late are directly due to the quagmire of tabloid bulls*t the reigning Footballer of the Year is currently up to his thick, gammon-like neck in.

Newcastle ‘Keeper Steve Harper Ruled Out For Three Months

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle have confirmed that goalkeeper Steve Harper will be out of action for the next three months after undergoing surgery on the shoulder injury he sustained against Everton last Saturday.

A challenge with Harper ruptured ligaments in his shoulder falling awkwardly after a challenge from striker Jermaine Beckford sent him tumbling, and the official prognosis is that the 35-year-old now faces 'a minimum of 12 weeks' on the sidelines.

What Happened To… David May?

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By Ollie Irish

This is the first in a new series on Pies in which we track down former pros and see what they've been up to since they retired. We kick off with a Blackburn and Man Utd stalwart...

David May, superstar, he's got more medals than Shear-er!

In Pictures: Scunthorpe 2-5 Man Utd – Fergie MIA, Michael Owen Scores Two

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By Ollie Irish

Featuring the cutest mascot you ever did see...

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A young Scunthorpe United mascot on the pitch prior to kick-off

Fergie missed a senior United game for only the third time in his tenure at Old Trafford, because he was in Spain scouting Champions League group rivals Valencia.

Spot The Baller: Jessica Alba

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By Ollie Irish

So which Birmingham player is hiding behind the lovely visage of Jessica Alba?

Previous answer: Phil Jagielka



In Pictures: Liverpool Lose To Northampton On Penalties In Carling Cup

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By Ollie Irish

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Liverpool's Nathan Ecclestone stands dejected after missing his penalty

As crazy as it may seem after a handful of games in charge, Roy Hodgson's tenure at Liverpool already carries with it the stench of death – several Liverpool fans I know have been discouraged by the way Uncle Woy has gone about his business, and whilst it's only fair he gets a full season, at least, to prove himself, there are vultures up in the air.

Thierry Henry Splashes Out £10m On Swanky New York Penthouse

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By Chris Wright

New York Red Bulls striker Thierry Henry has splashed out the lion's share of £10 million on a flash penthouse in New York's uber-trendy SoHo district home to stars such as Rick Moranis and .

According to the Daily Mail, Henry payed an initial $9 million for the top two floors of the building and also forked out a further $6 million to purchase the apartment on the floor below his penthouse which he plans to 'knock-through' once the current owner moves out.

Titus Bramble And Brother Bailed Over Rape Allegations

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland defender Titus Bramble and his brother Tesfaye (who plays for Eastern Counties Premier Division club Leiston) have both been bailed by police after being arrested on suspicion of rape yesterday.

The Brambles were questioned by police yesterday after being nicked at the Vermont Hotel in Newcastle city centre during the early hours of the morning.

Pies Classics: Fat Arsenal Fan 0-1 Fatter Chelsea Fan

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By Ollie Irish

There's always someone bigger and stronger than you. And fatter...



In Pictures: Chelsea 3-4 Newcastle – Shola Ameobi Stuns Stamford Bridge

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By Ollie Irish

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Newcastle United's Sol Campbell rises to head the ball clear

Seven goals and for once Chelsea didn't score all or even most of them. A stunning win for Newcastle, who weren't at full strength themselves.

Video: Roma Defender Philippe Mexes Goes Nuts After Red Card v Brescia

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By Ollie Irish

More abysmal refereeing in Serie A...

It takes several Roma players to contain the fury of Mexes, but you can see why the French defender was so angry. Firstly, the challenge was outside the box (just), second the assistant referee kept his flag down, third it looked like Mexes got the ball cleanly.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Simone Perrotta & Zachary Quinto

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By Ollie Irish

Perrotta is a World Cup-winning Italian midfielder who was born in Ashton-under-Lyne, of all places. He currently plays for AS Roma.

Quinto is a hipster actor, most famous for his ridiculous eyebrows. Oh, and roles as Sylar (the arch villain in TV series 'Heroes') and Spock (in the franchise reboot of 'Star Trek').

Vidic Is New Man Utd Captain … But Who Would You Give The Armband To?

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By Ollie Irish

And lo, Fergie has passed the sacred armband to ... drum roll ... Nemanja Vidic. Old Red Nose explained his decision thus:

"Over the past few years Gary Neville has been club captain and team captain, but as we know, Gary's been subjected to an incredible amount of injuries, so the inconsistency of Gary in the team made us have to look elsewhere.

Hamstrung Cesc Fabregas Still Hopeful Of Early Return

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By Chris Wright

After initially announcing (via his Twitter account) that the hamstring injury he sustained against Sunderland last weekend would only keep him out for a fortnight, Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas then saw his club officially rule him out for three weeks meaning he would almost definitely miss their crunch Premier League tie with Chelsea on October 3rd.

Liverpool Boss Roy Hodgson Apologises After Woeful Carling Cup Exit

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has apologised to the club's supporters for last night's dismal Carling Cup exit at the hands of League Two side Northampton Town, accepting that he and his players must take full responsibility for their woeful display at Anfield.

David Beckham Prostitute Allegations: Beckham Denies It All, Threatens Legal Action

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By Ollie Irish

Shit, meet the fan...

David Beckham has vehemently denied allegations that he had an affair with a $10,000-a-night prostitute – including a threesome. Ah, so that's why Wayne Rooney looks up to him.

Irma Nici, 26, claims in US gossip rag In Touch that she had sex with Becks five times in 2007.

Sick Bags Ahoy! Kaka Performs Terrible Duet With His Wife Caroline

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid crock Kaka has apparently been filling his copious downtime with the kind of wholesome pursuits that you'd expect a man of God to, including taking the time out to write and record this hauntingly beautiful duet with his not-unattractive wife Caroline Celico.

Video: Tottenham Players Take Penalties Blindfolded, Mass FAIL Ensues

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By Ollie Irish

To mark two years until the Paralympics in London, Tottenham's players tried to take penalties with blindfolds on, to feel what it must be like for blind footballers. As you can see, it's not an easy skill to master...

To be fair, Wilson Palacios has been playing like he's been wearing a blindfold for months.

Video: Larissa Riquelme Invites Boob Grab On Mexican Chat Show

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By Ollie Irish

She's not shy, this one...

If anyone speaks Spanish and can tell us what the hell is going on here, we'd be much obliged.

Larissa Riquelme Poses Naked Again (NSFW)

Larissa Riquelme Gets Naked In 3D For Playboy (NSFW Photos)



Top 10 Carling Cup Photos: Tuesday 21 September

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By Ollie Irish

The best pics from last night's Carling Cup fixtures. There are some real crackers in the gallery, including the one of Owen Coyle and a brilliantly positioned Judas banner...

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Bolton Wanderers' manager Owen Coyle at Turf Moor, with lovely positioning of 'Judas' banner

Photos: PA

Top 10 photos of Tottenham 1-4 Arsenal



Pies Classics: Pedro Mendes’s Disallowed Goal, Spurs v Man Utd, 2005

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By Ollie Irish

Still makes me laugh, even if I was spitting feathers at the time...

Poor Roy Carroll, with his face like a sad old frog, will always be synonymous with this moment, even though he got away with it though how, I still don't know; have you seen a more blatant phantom goal (it brings to mind Lampard's effort vs Germany in the 2010 World Cup)?

My Favourite Kit: Argentina 1986

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By Ollie Irish

There are a couple of reasons why international kits tend to look a lot better than club kits:

1. The lack of a sponsor's logo

2. The designs don't change much, so they have more time to develop classic status.

Argentina's home shirt, with its pale blue-and-white horizontal stripes, is as iconic to me as the ubiquitous yellow of Brazil; and if Brazil are the Beatles, then Argentina are the Stones: edgier, dirtier, meaner, more dangerous.

World Cup Referee Arrested Trying To Smuggle Heroin

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By Chris Wright

A former World Cup referee has been arrested at New York's Kennedy Airport after customs staff found ten bags of heroin taped to his stomach, back and legs.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents collared Byron Moreno late on Monday evening after he arrived in America on a commercial flight from his native Ecuador.

Liverpool’s Dirk Kuyt Set For Early Return From Self-Inflicted Injury

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has revealed that Dirk Kuyt is ahead of schedule in his recovery from the injury he sustained whilst on international duty with Holland at the beginning of the month.

Kuyt sheered the ligaments in his shoulder whilst trying to execute a bicycle kick during a training session and was initially expected to be sidelined for up to two months, but it seems that the Dutchman is closing in on a first-team return after just three weeks of treatment.

Titus Bramble Rape Claim: Sunderland Defender Arrested After Rape In Hotel

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By Ollie Irish

Sunderland defender Titus Bramble has been arrested on suspicion of rape after a woman was raped in a Newcastle hotel. Makes sad face...

Bramble and a second man were arrested at the Vermont Hotel early on Wednesday and have been questioned by detectives all morning.

Arsenal And Celtic Stars Hit With Six-Month International Ban

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By Chris Wright


"Are you a Mexican, or a Mexican't?"

Arsenal striker Carlos Vela and Celtic midfielder Efrain Juarez have both been handed a six-month international ban by the Mexican Football Federation (FMF) and been fined £2500 each for their part in a 'raucous party' that was held after El Tri beat Colombia earlier this month.

Tottenham 1-4 Arsenal, Carling Cup: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Arsenal's Henri Lansbury celebrates after scoring his side's first goal of the game

Photos: PA

Perversely, it was Tottenham not Arsenal who fielded something of a second-string XI in the Carling Cup; maybe old Arsene has decided that winning the Carling Cup would be better than winning NOTHING AT ALL for another season.

Wesley Sneijder Inter Deal Stalls – Man Utd & Real Madrid On Red Alert

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By Ollie Irish

Wesley Sneijder's agent has revealed talks over a new deal at Internazionale have broken down.

The midfielder revealed earlier this month that he was hopeful of signing a contract extension, with Inter believed to be keen on an agreement that would keep him at the club until 2015.

Harry Redknapp Accuses Samir Nasri Of Diving For Crucial Carling Cup Penalty

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By Chris Wright

With the scores level at 1-1 after 90 minutes, Tottenham eventually went down 4-1 at home to Arsenal in the Carling Cup last night thanks to a three-goal extra-time salvo.

After Henri Lansbury opened the scoring with his first senior goal for Arsenal, Spurs' half-time substitute Robbie Keane restored parity shortly after the break evading an offside trap and dribbling the ball past Lukas Fabianski's limp-wristed dive.

Pies Classics: Ronnie Rosenthal’s Legendary Miss

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By Ollie Irish

Never let us forget probably the most iconic bad miss in Prem history, by Ronnie 'The Hitman' Rosenthal for Liverpool at Villa Park in 1992. Poor Ronnie never really recovered from it but at least now he's retired, he can dine out on it.



15 Brave Football Stars With Bandaged Heads

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By Ollie Irish

Lionhearts one and all...

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Alan Shearer

Photos: PA



The Twit And Wisdom Of Leon Knight On Twitter

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By Ollie Irish

If you're on Twitter (as I am), then you must follow journeyman footballer Leon Knight. Knightie, as he prefers to be known, is GOLD.

Some examples of his tweets:

Jus called reception ask for internet service he said £19:99 for 24hr internet service I had to ask him if he was smoking plastic

For those who don't know colin hill he's the funder of rusden and diamonds he's the biggest crook EVER!

Everton Agree January Deal For ‘Azerbaijani Wonderkid’

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By Chris Wright

Everton have agreed a deal with Azerbaijani side Neftchi Baku to sign their 18-year-old 'wonderkid' Araz Abdullayev once the transfer window re-opens in January.

The promising midfielder will move to Goodison on an initial three-year contract (with the option for two more seasons) subject to gaining a work permit.

Thierry Henry Injures Dallas Keeper Kevin Hartman In MLS Game, Avoids Suspension

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By Ollie Irish

Va Va Fail...

So Thierry Henry is actually the devil. Who knew!? This was a mean-spirited 'challenge' by the Frenchman, not to mention totally unnecessary. Somehow Henry avoided further punishment for the incident (apart from a measly $2,000 fine what's that, an hour's work for TH?

Arsene Wenger Accepts Touchline Ban, Will Sit Out Tottenham Carling Cup Clash

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By Ollie Irish

Arsene Wenger has accepted a charge of improper conduct and an £8,000 fine by the FA following his tap on Martin Atkinson's back at the end of the Premier League match with Sunderland on Saturday...

Wenger will serve a one-match touchline ban during the League Cup third-round clash at rivals Tottenham (he could have deferred the ban, I believe), which although it's a derby tells you all you need to know about his continued dismissive attitude to the competition.

Wonder Goals: Jari Litmanen Matches Berbatov With Brilliant Overhead Kick

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By Ollie Irish

Jari Litmanen, who used to play for Liverpool, is 39 and even now he's better than David Ngog. As this brilliant overhead kick (Berbatov, eat your heart out) shows, Jari may be pushing 40, and so he's now slower than Teddy Sheringham on crutches, but he's still got the skills to pay the bills.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Karim Benzema & Shia LaBeouf

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By Ollie Irish

Alejandro M

Good spot, Alejandro. Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Send it to ollie@anorak.co.uk



Cesc Fabregas Ruled Out For Three Weeks, Will Now Miss Chelsea Game

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas has been ruled out for three weeks after, once again, twanging that darn hamstring during the Gunners' Premier League game with Sunderland on Saturday.

Fabregas, who now joins Theo Walcott, Robin Van Persie and Nicklas Bendtner on Arsenal's growing list of crocks, was forced to limp off the field with barely half-an-hour of the game played, having already fortuitously opening the scoring in the 12th minute.

WAG Sara Carbonero: Cristiano Ronaldo Is Selfish By Nature, But Not Depressed

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By Ollie Irish

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All of Spain is wondering what's up with Cristiano Ronaldo. C-Ron hasn't scored for Real Madrid for almost two months, and seems detached from his team-mates and generally out of sorts. Missing Wayne Rooney already, Ron?

Liverpool Video: Daniel Agger Criticises Roy Hodgson’s ‘Style’

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By Ollie Irish

Emotions obviously run high after a big match such as Man Utd v Liverpool, especially when you lose, but Agger seems calm enough and this appears to be the first obvious sign of a rift between Liverpool's new manager and the Dane, who I think is a far superior footballer to Martin Skrtel and should be playing more in his natural position of centre-back, or at least as the sweeper in a three-man central defence.

Dimitar Berbatov Reveals The Secret Behind His Fine Form

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By Chris Wright

Dimitar Berbatov not a 'weights man'

After enduring two years of resolute indifference from the terraces, Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov (or Flopiflop Flopbaflop, as he was known up until about five weeks ago) has finally started to win people round netting seven goals in six games, and generally beginning to play like a £30 million signing should.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Sandro & Brazil Legend Socrates (According To Harry Redknapp)

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp

With his top top AWOL summer signing, Brazilian midfielder Sandro, set to make his Spurs bow in the Carling Cup against Arsenal tonight, Redknapp has set about talking up the Brazilian midfielder likening him to a certain chain-smoking Selecao great;

"He physically looks like Socrates.

Man Utd 3-2 Liverpool, Premier League: Top 10 Photos – Berbatov Scores Immense Hat-Trick

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By Ollie Irish

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Manchester United's Nani (left) and Liverpool's Paul Konchesky battle for the ball

Photos: PA

Hi folks – you well? I'm back after a long weekend away in Cork for a friend's wedding, during which time I consumed too much Guinness and sneaked into a pub to watch Sunday's big game the All-Ireland football final, in which Cork overcame a dismal first-half display to roar back and beat Down by the narrowest of margins.

Who Is Manchester United’s No.1 Striker Now – Rooney Or Berbatov?

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By Ollie Irish

If you don't mind me indulging in a spot of kneejerk-reaction action, then I have a rather obvious and timely question for you: with Dimitar Berbatov playing so brilliantly, and not just against Liverpool (he's been United's best player this season), and Wayne Rooney blatantly out of sorts, in terms of his centre-forward play and also compared with last season's feats (of course a below-par Rooney is still better than most players), are we witness to the moment when Berba assumes the role of Fergie's No.

Video: Nani’s Masterclass In Truly Awful Play-Acting

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By Chris Wright

If you ignore all the Liverpool-centric 'hypocrisy' agenda at the beginning of the video, then it stands alone as a pretty effective video essay on the depths that many of the 'new-breed' of professional footballers (I'm fully aware of my sweeping generalisation, but I'm sticking with it!

Anton Ferdinand ‘Embarrassed’ By Cesc Fabregas’ Fluke Goal

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By Chris Wright

Cesc Fabregas demonstrates his excellent first touch

Sunderland defender Anton Ferdinand has admitted that he is 'embarrassed' about the goal his side conceded to Arsenal on Saturday, branding Cesc Fabregas' fortuitous strike a 'freak goal'.

Chelsea To Raid Bayern Munich For Highly-Rated Starlet?

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By Chris Wright

Kroos control

According to reports in the German press, Chelsea are putting £9 million aside until the end of the season with which they will attempt to lure Bayern Munich into parting with their talented young midfielder Toni Kroos.

Ankle Injury Leaves Barcelona Star Lionel Messi In Tears (With Video)

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By Chris Wright

(video via 101GG)

Barcelona are optimistic that Lionel Messi hasn't suffered a broken ankle (as was first thought) after being injured during their 2-1 Primera Division win over Atletico Madrid last night.

Messi was hauled off the pitch on a stretcher after a challenge from Atletico defender Thomas Ufjalusi (who received a fairly harsh red card for his part in the incident) left the agonised winger in tears on the turf of the Vicente Calderon stadium.

Shay Given Told He Can Leave Manchester City

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has told 'keeper Shay Given he will be allowed to leave the club in January, after losing his 'No.1′ status to the emergent Joe Hart this season.

Given is yet to feature in any of City's eight fixtures this season and was linked with several clubs before the transfer window shut at the beginning of the month, although no move materialised.

In Photos: Tottenham’s Super Subs Make It 3-1 Over Wolves

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BELIEF renewed at Tottenham as they came from behind to see off a vibrant Wolves. Steven Fletcher's opener for Wolves  never looked to be enough as Spurs created chances. But it was only a penalty that saw the scores level, as Van der Vaart, on as a replacement for Lennon, scored the spot kick.

The Epic Delusion Continues: Sam Allardyce Reckons He’d Win The League ‘Every Season’ With Real Madrid

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By Chris Wright

No introduction I could possibly write could do these monumentally deluded quotes from Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce justice, so I'm just going to plough on in there and let you draw your own conclusions;

"I'm not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter Milan or Real Madrid.

Knee Specialist Dr Richard Steadman Reveals Owen Hargreaves Is Close To Comeback

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By Chris Wright

The specialist knee surgeon that saved Alan Shearer, Michael Owen and Ruud Van Nistelrooy (amongst others) from early retirements, Dr Richard Steadman, has revealed that Manchester United midfielder Owen Hargreaves is now close to making a return to full fitness after spending the best part of two full seasons on the sidelines.

My Favourite Kit: Nottingham Forest 1992-1994

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By Chris Wright

Alas, I fear that my humble entry in Pies' ‘favourite kit' series isn't going to stir the same kind of emotions within the souls of the public at large that many of the previous nominations have managed to do, being as it is an altogether more personally significant choice.

Pies Classics: Bury’s Chris Brass Scores Own Goal Via His Face

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By Ollie Irish

No less amazing than when I first saw it, almost five years ago.

Brass is still at Bury, now as their assistant manager.

A version of this post was first published in July 2006



Pies Classics: David Beckham Scores From Inside His Own Half Against Wimbledon, 1997

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By Ollie Irish

Relive the outrageous moment when Sir Dave of Beckham first dropped his trousers – metaphorically, Richard – and showed the world the size of his Goldenballs. And lo, they were big. Very big indeed...

I bet poor Neil Sullivan still back-peddles to this in his nightmares.

Paul Ince Admits That He Wants To Manage West Ham

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By Chris Wright

West Ham legend and all-time fan's favourite Paul Ince, a man that never fails to receive a rapturous greeting whenever he graces the club with his presence, has admitted that he would find an offer to return to manage the Hammers almost impossible to turn down.

Pies Prem Prediction League: Week 5

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By Ollie Irish

"Tell you what Manish, I'm glad I'm not Mr Pink."

Four weeks in, the big ass table looks like this:

Ping Yang – 38
Cape Toon – 34
Davey Chicago – 33
Lloyd – 32
Lawro – 31
Pies – 30

Thrillson – 29
George – 28
Fellaini's Fro – 27
Hollis – 25
Jawillia – 24
Al Neri – 23
Jesus – 23
Philando Torres – 23
Yahhhsteve – 23
Kalezu – 22
Mooks – 22
Rich – 22
Enrique – 21
Lefty – 21
Sariann – 21
B Sides – 20
DaveHackney – 20
Edhehe – 20
Tottenblog – 20
Mareantheone – 19
Raybuck Luck – 19
Syndex – 19
Mark Holleran – 18
Megaman 789 – 18
R-Hops – 18
South City – 18
The ball is round – 18
Java – 17
Mizman – 17
Podge – 17
Lucid – 16
Andy CS 15
Shivam Manghnani – 15
Dickardinho – 14
Isaac 14
Les – 14
Michael – 14
Rob – 14
OlisHoplo – 13
Sam Humphreys 13
Welbourne Road – 13
Ben Cornelius – 11
Adam FJ – 10
Dixon – 10
HJ – 10
Max – 10
M.

Man Utd Expect Luis Valencia To Return ‘By The End Of February’

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has tentatively pencilled in a February return for Luis Antonio Valencia, after initial reports suggested that the Ecuadorian winger would almost definitely miss the rest of the season with the shattered ankle he sustained against Rangers in the Champions League.

Liverpool 4-1 Steaua Bucharest, Europa League: Comfortable Win Marred By Ongoing Ownership Issues

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By Chris Wright

Joe Cole powers past Eric Bicfalvi and Banel Nicolita

Proof, if proof were needed, that every silver lining has a cloud. Liverpool enjoyed an evening of fairly plain sailing at Anfield last night, seeing off Group K rivals Steaua Bucharest in relative comfort thanks to goals from Joe Cole (an angled finish with just 27 seconds on the clock, making it the quickest European goal in Liverpool's illustrious history), substitute Lucas Leiva and a brace from much-maligned striker David N'Gog.

Red Bull Salzburg 0-2 Man City, Europa League: David Silva Breaks His City Duck

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By Chris Wright

David Silva celebrates his first City goal with a newly-shorn Carlos Tevez

Manchester City got their Europa League campaign off to a winning start last night, with a routine win over an unadventurous Red Bull Salzburg side that, with the exception of a brief spell of dominance at the end of the first half, failed to assert themselves in the tie.

Video: Ludovic Guily Performs Drunken Striptease In A Parisian Bar

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By Chris Wright

You know that point when, after spending all afternoon quaffing Beaujolais in the Parisian sun, it suddenly becomes startlingly apparent that ridding yourself of all your clothes is the only sensible course of action? Nope? Paris Saint-Germain winger Ludovic Guily does.

Emmanuel Eboue Warms Up With A Spot Of Cossack Dancing (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Eboue's a bit mental, isn't he. Nothing like a spot of Cossacking (not a real word, but hey) to get you warmed up for the Chaaaaampions. It also reminded me of Alan's excellent R2D2 moment:



Blackburn Boss Sam Allardyce Accuses Arsene Wenger Of ‘Influencing Referees’

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce has pointed his big foam finger of shamey blame at Arsene Wenger, accusing his Arsenal counterpart of using the media to influence 'referees, officials and everybody in football';

"Arsene has most of the media in his pocket now and is almost almost affecting the officials so that you can't tackle an Arsenal player.

Horror Hair: Marouane Chamakh, Arsenal

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By Ollie Irish

Two words: Geek Pie. Two words which will mean nothing to you unless you've watched a certain episode of Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker's 'Nathan Barley', but still... Geek Pie.

I imagine a conversation between Marouane and his hair stylist, if indeed he has one:

"So, Marouane, what can I do for you today?

Real Madrid 2-0 Ajax, Champions League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Real Madrid's Mesut Ozil

Photos: PA

A dominant win (62% possession, 15 shots on target it should have been much more comfortable) for Jose Mourinho's New All-Star Galacticos (© Pies) in the Special One's first European game in charge at the Bernabeu.

Arsenal 6-0 Braga, Champions League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Arsenal's Marouane Chamakh (right) is fouled by Braga goalkeeper Luiz Felipe leading to a penalty for Arsenal

Photos: PA

Arsenal were brilliant, Braga weren't. That sums it up. It's difficult to believe this was the same Braga that demolished Celtic earlier in the competition, but we must give credit to Wenger's side, which made hay against a team that came to play, not kick opponents, and as a consequence hardly touched the ball.

My Favourite Kit: Tottenham 1986-87 (The Rare Third Kit)

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By Matt Hill

As a now-loving Tottenham supporter dragged to his first game in 1986 – I seem to remember a very dull 1-0 win over Manchester City happening at the Lane in between me requesting sweets from my dad, with Graham Roberts the man to interrupt my annoying whines with cheers – Hummel kits emblazoned with Holsten were Year Zero.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Karate Kicks Teammate During AC Milan Training (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic has a black belt in taekwondo (no word of a lie), and was seen putting his skills to use by punting his new Rossoneri teammate Rodney Strasser square in the ribs during a training sessions t'other day.

Arsenal Handed Abou Diaby Fitness Boost

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By Chris Wright

On any other Premier League weekend Bolton clogger Paul Robinson's abhorent (and potentially ankle-shattering) 'tackle' on Arsenal midfielder Abou Diaby would have been a much more prominent talking point. However, given the severity of the injury Bobby Zamora suffered against Wolves, it was generally ignored or at least put on the back-burner.

Aston Villa Manager Gerard Houllier Pledges His Undying Love For Michael Owen

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool training back in 2001 mainly consisted of recreating Abba videos

Aston Villa's new manager Gerard Houllier has spoken openly of his admiration for Manchester United crockpot Michael Owen, fuelling speculation that the Frenchman may make a move for the former England striker in the January transfer window.

Chelsea’s Nicolas Anelka Explains His ‘Handcuffs’ Goal Celebration Against MSK Zilina

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka grabbed a brace of first-half goals in their routine 4-1Â win over Slovakian side MSK Zilina in the Champions League last night, and celebrated the latter with a thinly-veiled 'handcuffs' jibe at the French Football Federation.

Germany Coach Joachim Low Hints That Michael Ballack’s International Career Could Be Over

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By Chris Wright

Germany coach Joachim Low has given the subtlest of hints that he has no intention of calling-up Michael Ballack as-and-when the former Mannschaft captain returns to action following yet another injury setback.

Werder Bremen 2-2 Tottenham, Champions League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Tottenham Hotspur team group

Photos: PA

Okay, a draw away from home in the Champions League is not to be sniffed at, especially not in your first bow in the competition and against a decent German side but Spurs played so well in the first half, when they outclassed Bremen completely and led 2-0, that just one point feels slightly disappointing, or it did last night anyway.

Man City Pair Emmanuel Adebayor And Joleon Lescott To Miss Europa League Opener

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By Chris Wright

By process of elimination, the AP have deduced that Manchester City will be without both Emmanuel Adebayor and Joleon Lescott for their opening Europa League game with Red Bull Salzburg tomorrow as neither player was present at Manchester Airport this morning as City's 20-man squad departed for Austria.

In Pictures: Arsenal Train For Braga Champions League Clash

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By Ollie Irish

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Francesc Fabregas (centre) gestures while running with team mates during a training session at London Colney, Hertfordshire

Photos: PA

This is what it is: some pics of Cesc, Wilshere and co. jogging around a field in Hertfordshire ahead of tonight's Champions League group match against Braga, which I suppose the Gunners will win by a couple of goals.

The Football WAG Index No.33: Ilary Blasi (Totti’s Totty)

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By Ollie Irish

Italian model Ilary Blasi is the wife of AS Roma legend Francesco Totti and I thought the only person he loved was... Francesco Totti. But these are just words. You're here for the photos, I know, a few of which feature NSFW nekkidity (yes, we present another WAG whose clothes fall off all the time that's what they do):

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Football WAG Ilary Blasi

Mo WAGs



Man Utd 0-0 Rangers, Champions League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Manchester United's Darren Fletcher (left) and Rangers' Lee McCulloch battle for the ball

Photos: PA

No goals is a lot less goals than most people thought they'd see at OT last night, but then I suppose most people didn't reckon that Fergie would mistake the Champions League for the League Cup; I know he's a pensioner but still, his team selection betrayed a degree of overconfidence that United paid for and justly so.

Capello’s England 1-0 Petty Xenophobia

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By Alex Netherton

I forgot my mantra. For the last few years, basically since Ashley Cole almost drove his car off the road with righteous £5k indignation, my mind music has been, ‘I hope England lose tonight.' Even the 340 days they weren't playing, I was always quietly repeating it in the hope that Austria might pop up to dismantle England in a surprise 2-0 victory while the England team were up to their nuts in prostitutes' guts.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Neil Ruddock & Michael Madsen

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By Ollie Irish

You gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or you gonna bite?

Send your Shit Lookalikes – no matter how bad – to ollie@anorak.co.uk

Madsen takes on Wimbledon hardman/shit actor Vinnie Jones:



Kenny Dalglish Admits He Wanted To Replace Rafa Benitez As Liverpool Manager

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By Chris Wright

Indecipherable Liverpool legend Kenny Dalglish has revealed that he officially put his name forward to succeed former manager Rafa Benitez at Anfield, only to be told by the club's board that he 'wasn't wanted'.

Bayern Munich ‘Keeper Hans-Jorg Butt Pulls Off The Luckiest Save Ever Witnessed (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

First there is 'plain lucky', then there is 'jammy beyond all reasonable belief' and then comes this heroically nonchalant save from Bayern Munich's veteran stopper Hans-Jorg Butt...

World class.



Man Utd Winger Luis Valencia Out For The Season After ‘Horror Break’

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By Chris Wright

The curse continues. Manchester United winger Luis Antonio Valencia will almost undoubtedly miss the rest of the season after suffering a grotesque dislocation of his ankle during United's Champions League tie with Rangers last night.

FIFA Launch Investigation Into ‘Fake’ Togo Team

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By Chris Wright

FIFA have confirmed that they are investigating allegations that a 'fake' Togo team turned up to play in a friendly against Bahrain last Tuesday.

Bahrain eventually ran out 3-0 winners, but head coach Josef Hickersberger was left dumbstruck by the awful quality of his opponents describing the encounter as 'boring' and 'a waste of time'.

Carlos Tevez Delighted With New Haircut

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By Ollie Irish

A smart new look for Senor Tevez. There's not much you can do about his face, alas.

Original image via MCFC.co.uk



Classic Banners: Borat Mocks Paul Robinson After Infamous Croatia Bobble

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By Ollie Irish

Let us take you back to a dark night for English football, in October 2006... Okay, this isn't a banner exactly, but it always makes me laugh to see Borat's stupid head somehow mocking poor Robbo for the bobble in Croatia that effectively – and unfairly – farked up his international career.

Pies Classics: Referee Elbows Robbie Savage In The Face (With Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Six seconds of pure football joy...

That has to be pre-loaded karma for some of the stuff Savage has said and done since. And look at Alan Shearer, being all Mr Personality you're not Gazza, Alan.

A version of this post was first published in September 2006



Manchester United Train For Rangers Champions League Showdown: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

Hmm, Wayne Rooney looks surprisingly happy for a man who is so far in the doghouse he can't even see the entrance. Or, he's just a heartless twat?

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Photos: PA

Predictions for the Battle of Britain (sorry)?

Russian Legend Accuses Guus Hiddink Of ‘Breaking’ Yuri Zhirkov

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By Chris Wright

Granted this is a bit of a non-story, but I've chosen to relay it for one good reason it contains what is possibly the most bafflingly excellent metaphor in the history of the modern game.

Legendary Russian striker Viktor Ponedelnik, a veteran of Soviet Union's single European Championship triumph in 1960 (he scored the winning goal against Yugoslavia in the final), has criticised former Russia manager Guus Hiddink for ruining the career of Chelsea's first-choice auxiliary left-back Yuri Zhirkov.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Martin Petrov & Niko Bellic (Star Of Grand Theft Auto IV)

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By Ollie Irish

Ubietz888

Send your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk



My Favourite Shirt: Cameroon 1990

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By James Tyler

Cameroon's Indomitable Lions maul Diego Maradona in the opening game of Italia '90; ten-man Cameroon won 1-0 to shock the reigning world champions

My memories of the 1990 World Cup are scattered at best and, like most of the rest of the world, predictable at worst.

Stoke City 2-1 Aston Villa, Premier League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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A giant screen displays a message to the fans explaining Tony Pulis' absence - he did appear for the second half

Photos: PA

With Tony Pulis grieving for the loss of his mother, this was a rare occasion when the neutral rooted for Stoke.

Retro Football: Alan Shearer And Neil Ruddock Interviewed On TVS

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By Ollie Irish

Ah, the pungent odour of magic spray, golf days, card schools on the team coach, post-training piss-ups, and Razor cutting up Alan's M&S underpants. Give me the pre-Prem era every time.

More sweet nostalgia on Pies



Rapper Jay-Z Wants ‘A Percentage Of Arsenal’

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By Ollie Irish

He's got 99 problems and a decent keeper is one

Rap star Jay-Z has restated his desire to buy shares in Arsenal and even take a place in the Gunners' boardroom.

Hova says that he and wife Beyonce Knowles would even move to London so he could be "involved in the decision-making" at Arsenal.

Birmingham City 0-0 Liverpool, Premier League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Liverpool's Fernando Torres stands dejected

Photos: PA

Keep calm and carry on, Liverpool fans a point away from home against a comparable rival is a perfectly decent result. I wrote yesterday about Fernando Torres' body language, so won't bang on about it here.

Tottenham New-Boy Sandro Left At The Airport After Champions League Cock-Up

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By Chris Wright

"I'm leaving on a jet plane..."

According to this morning's Daily Mail, Tottenham' were forced to leave their elusive summer signing Sandro in the departures lounge at Stansted Airport after a breakdown in communications meant that the Brazilian wasn't aware that he hadn't made the cut for the club's Champions League squad.

‘Stop Arsenal Playing’ – Robbie Savage Defends Cynical Anti-Football

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By Ollie Irish

Via Wengerball

Robbie Savage almost lost his cool on BBC Radio 5 Live when defending the sort of 'They don't like it up 'em' football that has made the English Premier League so rife with injuries. He also admitted that when he was a Blackburn Rovers player, then-manager Mark Hughes gave him explicit orders to be physical and cynical.

Everton Manager David Moyes Charged With Improper Conduct

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By Chris Wright

Everton manager David Moyes and his assistant Steve Round have both been charged with improper conduct by the FA, after the pair crossed the pitch after their spectacular 3-3 draw with Manchester United on Saturday to admonish referee Matrin Atkinson for his ill-timed final whistle.

Evander Sno Suffers Suspected Heart Attack During Ajax Reserve Game

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By Chris Wright

Former Celtic and Bristol City midfielder Evander Sno is currently in hospital after suffering a suspected heart attack during the 63rd minute of an Ajax reserves game yesterday.

Medical staff spent a frantic ten minutes trying to revive Sno with a defibrillator whilst still on the pitch, after the 23-year-old collapsed during the tie with Vitesse Arnhem's second string.

Real Madrid Star Will Not Be Joining Man Utd In January

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By Chris Wright

The agent of Karim Benzema has put the kibosh on rumours that his client is actively seeking a move away from Real Madrid, by once again insisting that the French striker's future lies at the Bernabeu.

Benzema has been continually linked with a host of English (notably Manchester United) and Italian clubs after failing to settle during his first season with Los Blancos, but his representative Karim Djaziri told calciomercato.

Video: David Beckham Makes Comeback For LA Galaxy v Columbus Crew, Booked In Five Minutes

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By Ollie Irish

Highlights of Dave's ahead-of-schedule comeback after his potentially career-ending Achilles injury (he's a resilient sod, is Becks). Beckham played the final 20 minutes of LA Galaxy's 3-1 victory against Columbus Crew, in which time he was booked for a clumsy challenge and scored exactly no goals.

Moroccan Goalkeeper Khalid Askri Comes Up With Greatest Penalty Save Fail Ever!

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By Ollie Irish

The brainless keeper who walked away never walk away, kids is Khalid Askri, the No.1 for FAR Rabat of Morocco. Bet he feels like a major chump right now, especially as the penalty he thought he'd saved, before it span back across the line, saw opponents Moghreb Fes qualify for the quarter-finals of the Moroccan Cup.

Wonder Goals: Douglas, Corinthians v Gremio

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By Ollie Irish

Here's Gremio winger Douglas cutting in from the right wing  and... well, just watch what he does:

He just keeps on going and going and then twats it into the net, albeit with a lovely penultimate touch to take it past the defender: the icing on the nutmeg, so to speak.

West Ham 1-3 Chelsea, Premier League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Former West Ham star Paolo Di Canio watches the game from an executive box at Upton Park

Photos: PA

Subtitled: Scott Parker vs The World.

Anyone still think Chelsea won't retain their title?

Fernando Torres ‘Diabolical’ – And Has Steven Gerrard Lost Faith In Liverpool’s Star Striker?

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By Ollie Irish

An Anfield insider tells me that Liverpool's dressing-room leaders Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher, in case you didn't know are fast losing faith in Fernando Torres.

Sky Sports fuckwit pundit Jamie Redknapp, who claims to be a big fan of Torres, described Nando's admittedly lethargic display at Birmingham City on Sunday as 'terrible' and 'diabolical', and it seems there's a growing feeling that the Spaniard has fallen out of love with Liverpool, if not the fans who adore him.

What’s Wrong With Wilson Palacios?

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By Ollie Irish

Many Tottenham fans, myself included, are mystified and concerned by the massive loss of form suffered by Wilson Palacios. After making an excellent start to his Spurs career, and one which really endeared him to the club's fans, this season Palacios has played like a big old donkey – he's missed too many tackles (he goes to ground way too easily), misplaced too many passes and been caught out of position way too often for a player who is tasked with protecting his more gifted team-mates.

Brothers Of Carlos Tevez Jailed After Botched Armed Robbery

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By Chris Wright

Two relatives of Manchester City Carlos Tevez, his half-brother Juan Alberto Martinez and his brother-in-law Carlos Veron, have both been sentenced to 16 years in jail for attempting a raid on a security van in Cordoba, Argentina two years ago.

Arsenal 4-1 Bolton, Premier League: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Bolton Wanderers' Stuart Holden tackles Arsenal's Alex Song

Photos: PA

A fairly routine win for Arsenal was guaranteed when Gary Cahill was sent off for a reckless challenge midway through the second half.

West Ham Boss Avram Grant: ‘Benni McCarthy Is Still A Big Fat Fatty Bum-Bum’

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By Chris Wright

West Ham manager Avram Grant has admitted that portly striker Benni McCarthy is still not fit enough to play for the club, despite being put on a weight-loss orientated training regime shortly after signing from Blackburn last January.

Pies Classics: The Football Sex Tape XI

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Pies assembles a NSFW team of players who we've seen much more of than we ever wanted to...

Stefan Postma
When footballers' sex videos make it into the public domain, embarassment is to be expected. But you unleash a whole new world of shame on yourself when said video contains footage of your girlfriend taking you from behind with the aid of a strap-on (see above).

Goal Of The Weekend: Scott Parker, West Ham v Chelsea

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By Ollie Irish

Several fine goals in the Prem this weekend, but my vote goes to Scotty Parker's cushioned lob a volley, no less against champions Chelsea at Upton Park:

Exquisite tekkers by the former Chelsea player I bet he enjoyed that immensely.

Everton 3-3 Man Utd – Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Manchester United's Patrice Evra (left) and Everton's Mikel Arteta

Photos: PA

For once the boot was on the other foot for Fergie, who sat and suffered as Everton came from 3-1 down to snatch an unlikely 3-3 draw; Man Utd's guvnor didn't know whether to point angrily at his watch or sit in silence, chewing on wasps.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Sylvan Ebanks-Blake & Mekhi Phifer

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By Ollie Irish

You may recognise Mekhi Phifer from such movies as '8 Mile' and 'Clockers', and as Dr Greg Pratt in 'ER'.

Benjamin Coleman

Good spot, Benji.

Send your Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk



My Favourite Kit: Manchester United 1994-96

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By Liam Blackburn

Eric Cantona: The King of Old Trafford clad in the Old Trafford watermark home shirt

For many fans, Manchester United have lost sight of their roots. The corporate cash-cow which continues to milk fans dry does have one charming element though, the club's continued residency at Old Trafford.

Bobby Zamora Undergoes Successful Operation On Broken Leg

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By Chris Wright

Fulham have confirmed that Bobby Zamora's operation to reset the broken fibula he sustained against Wolves on Saturday has been a success, but the club have also revealed that ligament damage was discovered during the procedure meaning the striker probably now faces nearer five months on the sidelines, rather than the four that were initially diagnosed.

Tottenham Allay Luka Modric Injury Fears

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have announced that midfielder Luka Modric is likely to travel as part of the squad to face Werder Bremen in the Champions League on Tuesday, after x-rays on a suspected broken leg came back clear.

Modric left the pitch on crutches after a challenge by West Brom's Gonzalo Jara left him prostrate on the turf, but a statement on Spurs' official website confirmed that the injury was not nearly as serious as first thought;

"Luka will travel with the squad for our opening Champions League group match at Werder Bremen on Tuesday after scans of his left fibula came back clear.

Southampton Appoint Nigel Adkins As Manager

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By Chris Wright

"Who needs Mourinho..."

Following Alan Pardew's acrimonious departure last month, Southampton have appointed Nigel Adkins as their new manager.

Adkins has left Scunthorpe, whom he successfully led to promotion from League One into the Championship twice during a four-year stint in charge at Glanford Park, to join the Saints on a two-year deal.

Man City Will Take On Barcelona And Real Madrid To Sign Palermo Star

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City are reportedly already drawing up plans to rid themselves of yet more of their meaningless millions in January, by beating Spanish powerhouses Barcelona and Real Madrid to the signing of Palermo's Argentine starlet Javier Pastore.

Bobby Zamora Signs New Fulham Contract

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By Chris Wright

Fulham have announced that their rejuvenated target man Bobby Zamora has signed a new four-year contract with the club.

A statement on the club's website was posted earlier today to confirm the news;

"We can confirm that Bobby Zamora has signed a new four year deal with the club, that will see the striker remain at the Cottage until the summer of 2014.

Everton Relieved That Jack Rodwell Will ‘Only’ Face Three Months Out

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By Chris Wright

Everton have confirmed that Jack Rodwell will be out of contention for the next three months due to the ankle injury he sustained during their Premier League tie with Aston Villa a fortnight ago.

Initially it was though that Rodwell had merely twisted his ankle during a challenge with Villa defender Stephen Warnock, but it soon became apparent that the problem was far worse than first expected.

10 Tainted Footballers – And How We Should Remember Them

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By Ollie Irish

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Andy Gray - The voice of Sky Sports' footy coverage, who grows more irritating by the season, could play a bit in his day. A lot, actually. And he was braver than any forward I've ever seen.

Pies Prem Prediction League: Week 4

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By Ollie Irish

"Tell you what Manish, you make loving fun."

After the dreaded interlull, it's back to the real action, and a brand new week of the Pies Prem Prediction League. After three weeks, the exceedingly long table looks like this:

Ping Yang – 26
Thrillson – 26
Cape Toon – 25
Davey Chicago – 25
George – 25
Pies – 23
Lawro – 22

Lloyd – 21
Mooks – 21
DaveHackney – 20
Hollis – 20
Philando Torres – 19
Al Neri – 18
Fellaini's Fro – 18
R-Hops – 18
Java – 17
Jesus – 17
Jawillia – 17
Mark Holleran – 17
Raybuck Luck – 17
Kalezu – 16
Mareantheone – 16
Megaman 789 – 16
B Sides – 15
Nick – 15
Shivam Manghnani – 15
Les – 14
Podge – 14
Rob – 14
Sariann – 14
Tottenblog – 14
Yahhhsteve – 14
Enrique – 13
Lefty – 13
Lucid – 13
Rich – 13
Welbourne Road – 13
Syndex – 12
Ben Cornelius – 11
Dickardinho – 11
South City – 11
Adam FJ – 10
Dixon – 10
HJ – 10
Max – 10
Michael – 10
Pedro Leonardo – 10
Edhehe – 9
Isaac 9
Mizman – 9
Pivs – 9
Andy CS 8
OlisHoplo – 8
Sean Farrell 8
EJ O'Brart – 7
Chris Warwick – 6
Lainey Craig – 6
Shamrock 6
Snowmanvilla 6
M.

My Favourite Kit: Juventus 1995-96

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By Neil Sherwin

Juventus celebrate winning the 1995-96 Champions League final vs Ajax

In the early to mid-90s I wasn't fortunate enough to be subscribed to the new wave of football hysteria that was Sky Sports so my Sunday afternoon football fix came via the ever-exciting 'Football Italia' on Channel 4.

Serie A Players To Strike Over Contract Dispute

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By Ollie Irish

Serie A players plan to go on strike on September 25 and 26 because of a dispute over contracts, the Italian footballers' association announced today.

"The association, in perfect symphony with the players of Serie A, has decided not to go on the field for the fifth round of matches of the Serie A championship on Sept.

Gary Neville In Backhanded Liverpool Compliment Shocker!

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By Chris Wright

The world has spun off it's axis this morning as Manchester United veteran Gary Neville has admitted presumably at gun point that, although he still despises them with all of his cold black heart, even bitterest rivals Liverpool command more respect than a certain nouvelle riche club that has recently started to throw it's weight around a few miles across the city by which I assume he's referring to Bolton or Oldham.

David Beckham Doesn’t Fancy The England Job

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By Chris Wright

In case you missed it, Fabio Capello confirmed yesterday that he fully intends to stand down from his position as England manager and retire from football altogether after the culmination of the Euro 2012 tournament in Poland and the Ukraine.

Harry Redknapp Would Find The England Job ‘Hard To Turn Down’

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has conceded that, should be be approached to succeed Fabio Capello as England manager, he would find the offer very difficult to refuse.

Speaking to BBC Sport, Redknapp said;

"If you're an Englishman it would be hard to turn it down.

Injury Update: Jermain Defoe Actually Sidelined For Three Months!

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham have confirmed that Jermain Defoe will be out of action for much longer than the six weeks that was initially reported yesterday.

The striker has undergone surgery on the torn ankle ligaments he sustained during England's Euro 2012 qualifier with Switzerland last week, and now faces up to three months on the sidelines.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Young Michel Platini & Felipe Massa

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By Ollie Irish

When this lookalike occurred to me, whilst researching a photo essay on the young Platini, I thought 'Hell yes Irish, you've cracked it! Platini looks exactly like Massa!' It turns out they don't look quite so similar, which actually makes it a more authentic Shit Lookalike, but also casts some doubt on my visual memory.

Video: Asamoah Gyan Guest Raps On ‘African Girls’ By Castro

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By Ollie Irish

In which Sunderland's Ghanaian striker, who is set to make his debut at Wigan this weekend, aims to become one of the first ever footballers to rap on record and not look like a total dick. 'Baby Jet' (Gyan's alter ego) just about gets away with it:

Castro is Ghana's 50 Cent, so I hear.

Roque Santa Cruz Left Out Of Man City’s Europa League Squad Once Again

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By Chris Wright

To nab a quick quote from today's Guardian, Roque Santa Cruz's 'periphal existence at Manchester City' looks set to continue (until about January time, I'd wager) after the club announced this morning that the injury-ravaged striker has not been included in their 25-man squad for the first group stage of the Europa League.

Top 10 Football Rappers

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By Ollie Irish

Asamoah Gyan's guest rap got us thinking about other ballers who have stepped up to the mic and wrecked the joint...

1. Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey Deuce fronted up for Setanta to prove that, whilst he's more Vanilla Ice than Eminem, he can actually walk the walk:

2.

My Favourite Kit: Real Madrid, 2002 (Centenary Kit)

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By Christopher Mann

Zinedine Zidane in 2002: a vision in white

Real Madrid fans like nothing more than to indulge in the notion that their club, arguably the most glamorous sporting institution on the planet, has some sort of divine right to perpetual success.

Around The Grounds: Ninian Park

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By Ollie Irish

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Photos: PA

After a short break, we're back with another photo essay on a great British football ground. Today we focus on the late Ninian Park, the old home of Cardiff City, until it was bulldozed in 2009.

West Ham Loanee Victor Obinna Loses All Perspective

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By Chris Wright

Nigerian forward Victor Obinna has revealed that he chose to join West Ham on a season-long loan from Inter Milan after a chin-wag with his national teammate Nwankwo Kanu yes, you heard that correctly, Nwankwo Kanu is apparently still an international footballer despite being 60-years-old and made entirely of Matchmakers.

Larissa Riquelme Gets Naked In 3D For Playboy (NSFW Photos)

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By Herman Miller

Yes, we will milk Larissa until she is dry not literally, of course; that would be hideous. Anyway, Paraguay's most famous and most busty fan recently posed for some groundbreaking, earth-shaking nude pics in glorious, pioneering 3D, for the Brazilian edition of Playboy.

My Pies: Customise Your Own Football Page

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By Ollie Irish

To give you more control over the football content you want, Who Ate All The Pies has come up with My Pies, a standalone football page which you can customise to your heart's content. With all the latest football news, images, videos and WAGs, it's well worth checking out.

Australian Matildas Player In Trouble Over Facebook Sex Pics

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By Ollie Irish

Australian Matildas forward Lisa De Vanna has been forced to remove sexually suggestive photos from her Facebook profile after a 13-year-old fan found them after looking up her sporting hero online.

Football Federation Australia ordered De Vanna to take down the images after a complaint from the girl's mother.

Fabio Capello Confirms He Will Quit England After Euro 2012

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By Chris Wright

England manager Fabio Capello has confirmed that he plans to stand down and retire from the game altogether after the 2012 European Championships in Poland and the Ukraine.

When asked whether or not he intended to bow out after Euro 2012, the veteran Italian coach (who will turn 66 during the tournament) replied;

"Absolutely.

Aston Villa Officially Name Gerard Houllier As Manager

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa released a statement via their official website last night to confirm that they have appointed Gerard Houllier as their new manager. The Frenchman succeeds Martin O'Neill, who resigned from the post five days before the Premier League season was due to start.

Theo Walcott Ruled Out For Six Weeks, Is Anyone Surprised?

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By Chris Wright

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

Arsenal winger Theo Walcott has been ruled out for the next six weeks after suffering an ankle injury during England's 3-1 win over Switzerland on Tuesday.

It was initially thought that Walcott had only suffered a sprain that would keep him sidelined for 2-3 weeks, but scans have since revealed that he also sustained a fair amount of ligament damage into the bargain.

Jermain Defoe Ruled Out For Six Weeks With Ankle Injury

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe has been ruled out for six weeks after scans revealed that he suffered ankle ligament damage during England's 4-0 win over Bulgaria on Friday.

Defoe rolled his ankle awkwardly after prodding home his third goal of the evening and was visibly limping as he attempted to celebrate his hat-trick, and was swiftly substituted thereafter.

Football Funnies: Japanese Frog Mascot Take A Dive

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By Ollie Irish

Thanks to Friend of Pies Cole for reminding us of this mascot moment:

Cloughie says:

"I tell you what, the young man in that costume should stand up straight and get his hair cut."



FIFA To Consider Re-Introducing The ‘Golden Goal’ Rule?

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By Chris Wright

"...I'm loving angels instead. And through it all..."

It is an inescapable fact that the majority of the games at this summer's World Cup were really quite turgid affairs and FIFA, in their thankless quest to make life a little better for each and every one of us, have set about trying to do something about it.

Gay Footballer Yoann Lemaire Rejected By French Club?

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By Ollie Irish

Just when you thought it was impossible to love the damned French anymore...

Yoann Lemaire, a homosexual footballer, has reportedly been rejected by his club in France. Associated Press says that that Lemaire spent 14 years with FC Chooz before taking a sabbatical, but the team now "won't register him again to avoid any 'trouble' with his teammates.

Alberto Aquilani Would’ve Stayed At Liverpool, But He Won’t Be Coming Back

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By Chris Wright

Former Liverpool midfielder Alberto Aquilani has admitted that he would have been perfectly happy to remain at Anfield this season, but was instead allowed to join Juventus on a season-long loan after manager Roy Hodgson sanctioned his release just three days prior.

England U21 3-0 Lithuania U21, Euro 2011 Qualifier: Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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The England U21 team group of (top from left) Frank Fielding, Phil Jones, Chris Smalling, Danny Welbeck, Jordan Henderson, Kyle Walker. (bottom from left) Ryan Bertrand, Tom Cleverley, Michael Mancienne, Danny Rose and Daniel Sturridge during the UEFA European Under 21 Qualifying match

Photos: PA

Goals in the second half by Man Utd striker Danny Welbeck (2) and Villa midfielder Marc Albrighton (on as a sub) got the job done, but only after a first half in which Lithuania had made it very difficult for Stuart Pearce's talented babies.

Occasional Prostitute Jenny Thompson Made Wayne Rooney Pay ‘Ugly Tax’

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By Ollie Irish

Beauty Skanky and the Beast

Jenny Thompson, the woman who claims to have turned tricks for Wayne Rooney behind Coleen's pregnant back (can you have a pregnant back?), doesn't always charge for sex, apparently. Oh.

Her 'friend' (with friends like these etc.

Video: Thai Company Release Strange CGI Version Of Wayne Rooney Scandal

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By Chris Wright

(Be warned, there are some very moderately NSFW-ish scenes.)

The same Taiwanese company that took Tiger Wood's domestic disturbance and rendered it in glorious CGI last year have now, saints be praised, tried their hand at recreating their version of Wayne Rooney's alleged dalliance with a certain charming young tart in a Manchester hotel room.

Wayne Rooney Prostitute Scandal: Pro Footballer Admits ‘Easy Sex’ Is In Your Face, All The Time

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By Ollie Irish

Jennifer Thompson, the 21-year-old who alleged an affair with Wayne Rooney and who is said to have slept with several other footballers. Pic via Goaly Moly

Former Spurs midfielder Rohan Ricketts, who currently plays for Dacia Chisinau in Moldova (that's quite a career path; he's only 27 I thought he was destined for better things but I digress), has written an interesting piece for the Sabotage Times on how much free and easy sex is offered, constantly, to professional footballers.

Sheffield Wednesday Escape Administration Thanks To Co-Op Bailout

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By Chris Wright

Sheffield Wednesday have narrowly avoided going into administration after having their £700,000 debt settled by The Co-operative Bank.

A representative of the bank, Hilary Stonefrost, confirmed that they were willing to clear the League One side's arrears if HM Revenue and Customs agreed to withdraw the winding-up order placed upon Sheffield Wednesday Football Club and Sheffield Wednesday PLC.

My Favourite Kit: Arsenal, 2002-04

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By Ethan Dean-Richards

I've never been that interested in kits – as good a way as any to start a piece about favourite kits. My own team, West Brom, wear striped shirts and frankly there is not much you can do with stripes except maybe drop a big red house onto the front of them.

Holland Treatment Has Left Rafael Van Der Vaart A ‘Despondent’ Man

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham new-boy Rafael Van der Vaart has admitted that he is feeling 'despondent' after finding himself continually on the fringes of the Holland national team under Bert van Marwijk.

Van der Vaart was left on the bench for Holland's Euro 2012 qualifier with San Marino on Friday, and was seen to cover his mouth as he trudged off the pitch in a funk after being substituted during the 64th minute of their game with Finland last night.

Arsenal Duo Facing Lengthy Spells On The Sidelines

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal will definitely have to do without the services of Robin Van Persie for the immediate future, and are also waiting to find out the extent of the injury Theo Walcott sustained on England duty last night.

Paul Scholes Admits He Nearly Quit Football Last Christmas

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United veteran Paul Scholes has only just undergone his obligatory seasonal reappraisal i.e. the week that follows a particularly adept display when his fellow pros line up to wax lyrical about his 'vision' etc.

However, the 35-year-old midfielder has revealed that he came perilously close to retiring last season after a slump in his form saw him struggle to hold down a berth in United's first string.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Argentina Coach Sergio Batista & Vincent Vega From ‘Pulp Fiction’

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By Chris Wright

One's a heartless thug that would sooner kill you than look at you, the other was played by John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.

In all fairness, this should technically be classed as a 'Shit Hairalike'.

L'il ol' me! (during Argentina's 4-1 pasting of Spain last night)

Got a Shit Lookalike for us?

PSV Star Ibrahim Afellay Turned Down Everton Move

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By Chris Wright

Highly-rated PSV midfielder Ibrahim Afellay has revealed that he turned down a summer move to Everton as he 'didn't like the feel of the club'.

The 24-year-old has long been linked with a move away from the Philips Stadion and was again the subject of intense speculation over the close season, with many reports suggesting that he was Premier League-bound but the 24-year-old is making no secret of the fact that he is holding out for a dream move to Spain;

"There were several clubs that tried to sign me this summer.

Wayne Rooney Prostitute Scandal: Pro Footballer Admits ‘Easy Sex’ Is In Your Face, All The Time

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By Ollie Irish

Jennifer Thompson, the 21-year-old who alleged an affair with Wayne Rooney and who is said to have slept with several other footballers. Pic via Goaly Moly

Former Spurs midfielder Rohan Ricketts, who currently plays for Dacia Chisinau in Moldova (that's quite a career path; he's only 27 I thought he was destined for better things but I digress), has written an interesting piece for the Sabotage Times on how much free and easy sex is offered, constantly, to professional footballers.

The Rebirth Of Antonio Cassano

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By Matthew Barker

Young, dumb and full of it: Antonio Cassano back in his Roma days, in 2002

It's some turnaround. A year ago Antonio Cassano was looking like the classic wasted footballing talent; enjoying life as a big fish in a relatively small pond at Sampdoria, but a waste nevertheless.

Switzerland 1-3 England, Euro 2012 Qualifier – Top 10 Photos

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By Ollie Irish

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Wayne Rooney, England

Photos: PA

To sum up, England were again lively and professional as they were against Bulgaria on Friday but how bad were the Swiss!

Switzerland 1-3 England: England Player Ratings – ‘We Tore Them Apart’ Says Steven Gerrard

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By Ollie Irish

How we rated England's players against the holey Swiss:

Joe Hart: The first wobbles for Hart came in the form of a couple of moments of unsure handling (it was a wet night, in his defence), but I'm sure he has the confidence to put them out of his mind.

Lady Gaga Goal Celebration, Sheffield Wednesday Face Administration, Brian Laudrup Battling Cancer

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By Ollie Irish

LINKS!

TOP LINK Finnish side Jaro take over from Stjarnan with Lady Gaga goal celebration Goaly Moly

Ryan Shawcross accuses Arsène Wenger of holding personal vendetta Guardian

Sheffield Wednesday could be forced into administration in the next 24 hours unless they pay a tax bill of more than £1m BBC

Gerard Pique is very pleased to see Cesc Fabregas Kickette

Danish legend Brian Laudrup is being treated for a mild case of lymphoma.

Juventus Planning January Move For Tottenham’s Jermain Defoe?

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By Chris Wright

Just keeping you abreast of some post- (or possibly 'pre-', depending on how forward-thinking you are) transfer deadline gossip.

According to serial rumour-mongers Tuttosport as well as a few other outlets in Italy Juventus are drawing up plans to launch an audacious €16 million (£13 million) January move for Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe;

"The new board at La Vecchia Signora [Juventus] want to make a big name signing in winter, after being stung by criticism of their summer market campaign.

Pies Classics: 10 Terrible Premiership Managers

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By Ollie Irish

10 Peter Reid Leeds (March 2003 November 2003) To be fair to Peter Reid, this was the easiest job in the world to be bad at. However, he still excelled in his ineptitude. Reid was ridiculed as much for his dabblings in the transfer market as his side's poor performances on the pitch, especially the loan signing of the comical Roque Junior.

Thomas Vermaelen Says Barcelona Are In Cesc Fabregas’ DNA

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal defender Thomas Vermaelen has wedged his Flemish size-9s firmly in his stroopwaffel-hole by talking of the love that dare not speak it's name at the Emirates i.e. the immortal bond which exists between captain Cesc Fabregas and his boyhood club Barcelona.

Photo Essay: Wayne Rooney, The Everton Years

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By Ollie Irish

Remember how raw and overflowing with potential Wayne Rooney was in the blue of Everton? The shock of the new may be long gone, although he's still capable of thrilling moments on the pitch, but these most excellent pics will jog your memory of the rough-edged teenager whose talent rocked English football:

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Photos: PA



The 10 Most Extreme Football Club Rivalries

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By Ollie Irish

Not pure city derbies, but general rivalries (many of which happen to be derbies)...

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10. Club America v Chivas (Mexico) - Also known as the 'Superclasico', this contest is Mexican club football's showpiece - to say these two sets of fans really, REALLY don't get on is an understatement



Top 10 Photos: England Train For Switzerland Euro 2012 Qualifier – All Eyes On Wayne Rooney

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By Ollie Irish

All eyes were on Wayne Rooney as he trained with England in Basel. But, er, he just kicked the ball about and did some star jumps. Not a hooker in sight. All very disappointing...

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England's Wayne Rooney during a training session at the St Jakob Park Stadium, Basel, Switzerland.

Let’s Hear It For… Phil Brown

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By Alex Netherton

I'm getting the words... Phil Brown

Phil Brown is easy to make fun of, I grant you that. For a while, I had a few thousand followers on Twitter as I took the piss out of his unique aphorisms. But I stopped after A) everyone started doing it, and more importantly B) I realised that Phil Brown was so much more remarkable, and truly amusing than anyone trying to imitate him.

Ryan Giggs Mulling Over Wales Job, John Hartson Also Keen

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United midfielder Ryan Giggs hasn't exactly ruled himself out of becoming the next manager of Wales, although he hasn't exactly ruled himself in either.

Giggs continues to play a pivotal role in the United midfield, but the 36-year-old veteran (who has already taken his UEFA coaching badges) has admitted that the prospect of taking charge of his country certainly appeals to him, telling the Daily Telegraph;

"If you go into management, the big job is to be in charge of your country.

Fabio Capello Confirms Wayne Rooney Will Start For England Tonight

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By Chris Wright

It looks like Wayne Rooney is set to start for England in tonight's Euro 2012 qualifier against Switzerland, after the forward assured manager Fabio Capello that he has the mental strength to play despite the swirling, prostitute-based allegations in the gutter press that are enveloping his private life.

Botched Scissor-Kick Sees Dirk Kuyt Ruled Out For Two Months

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool forward Dirk 'Hollywood' Kuyt has been ruled out for anything up to two months after shearing the ligaments in his left shoulder whilst attempting a scissor-kick during a training session.

Kuyt has now been ruled out of Holland's Euro 2012 qualifier against Finland tonight, as well as Liverpool's next three or four fixtures (including their trip to Manchester United on Sep 19th), but Dutch coach Bert van Marwijk didn't seem overly concerned when breaking the news to the press;

"Dirk does that a lot.

Gerard Houllier Plans To Make Phil Thompson His Assistant At Aston Villa

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By Chris Wright

Aston Villa have decided to delay the appointment of Gerard Houllier as their new manager after the Frenchman threw a huge-nosed spanner in the works, or whatever, by revealing that he intends to install current Sky Sports News 'pundit' Phil Thompson as his assistant, or whatever.

Top 10 Pro Footballers Without A Contract

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By Ollie Irish

At time of writing, and with the transfer window shut and locked, there are some unemployed footballers you may have heard of:

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Jay DeMerit - Started all four games in the World Cup this summer, but somehow remains a free agent.

Stuart Pearce And England U21s Play With Guns On Army Away Day (With Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

No doubt billed as a dreaded 'team-building exercise', the England U21s were shown around Colchester Army barracks this week, and even got to hold some real guns. Drill sergeant Stuart Pearce seemed to be taking it very seriously, but then if you've been in the military like wot I have, you'll know that you never point a gun at anyone, EVEN IN JEST!

Viral Football: Mehmet Scholl Sees Dead People

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By Ollie Irish

In which former Bayern Munich star Mehmet Scholl has something like a Vietnam flashback:

Snipers!



Retro Football: 11 Awesome Photos Of Michel Platini In His Prime

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By Ollie Irish

Old Michel wasn't always the pudgy driver of Uefa's gravy train. Once upon a time, he was the best midfielder in Europe and an all-round very cool cat. No, really...

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Evading Italy's Marco Tardelli at the 1978 World Cup

Photos: PA

Oh, I love the French kits of the early 1980s.

Viral Football: Robbie Savage Denies Buying Seven Pairs Of Trainers On 606 Phone-In

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By Ollie Irish

Another reason to love/hate Robbie Savage:

Robbie Savage loves to shop, so I can definitely imagine him buying seven pairs of trainers the same model too, seven times over, with a boxfresh pair for each day of the week in one retail binge.

My Favourite Kit: Denmark 1986, Hummel

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By Jeff Livingstone

Denmark's Morten Olsen in action against Scotland at the 1986 World Cup in Mexico

IN amongst the angst I felt re: Bryan Robson's shoulder and Ray Wilkins' general shiteness during the early stages of Mexico '86 was the revelation that was Denmark.

Video: Hamit Altintop Scores An All-Time Wonder Goal, For Turkey v Kazakhstan

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By Ollie Irish

If you've seen Hamit Altintop's wonder goal for Turkey vs Kazakhstan already (where have you been!?) ... well, I'm sure you won't mind seeing it again. And again. And again. This is truly a goal for the ages, which may sound a bit wanky until you actually watch the f**ker:

The goal of the season, in September?

Man Utd Include Bebe In Champions League Squad

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By Chris Wright

"Bebe, now that I've found you, I won't let you go"

After a couple of days of umming and ahhing, Manchester United have confirmed that they have included Bebe, the Brazilian forward that was sleeping in a bin bag on the streets of Lisbon just two years ago, in their 25-man squad for this season's Champions League.

Top 10 Photos: England 4-0 Bulgaria, Euro 2012 Qualifier

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By Ollie Irish

We've rated the England players, and now we present the best pics from Wembley, starring Joe Hart, Jermain Defoe, Adam Johnson and a typically vexed Capello...

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Joe Hart, England's keeper, warms up with a dive

Photos: PA

A very impressive display by England, but let's not go overboard after Defoe's early first goal, Bulgaria offered little.

Photos: Sheepish Wayne Rooney Boards England’s Flight To Switzerland

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By Ollie Irish

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England Footballer Wayne Rooney leaves the terminal building at Luton Airport, Bedfordshire. The footballer will head to Switzerland with the England team amid lurid allegations about his private life.

Sh*t Lookalikes: Stoke Manager Tony Pulis & Mr Garrison From ‘South Park’

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By Ollie Irish

Shit? Yes, wonderfully so. And it's not easy to find decent pics of Pulis with his cap off.

Philip Harris

Spotted a really unconvincing lookalike in the football world? Then send it to ollie@anorak.

Gerard Houllier To Be Named Aston Villa Manager, NOT Director Of Football

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By Chris Wright

Current French Football Federation technical director Gerard Houllier is currently mulling over an offer from Aston Villa to become their new manager, not their director of football as some sources were suggesting last week.

Michael Dawson Faces Two Months Out With ‘Double’ Injury

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham centre-back Michael Dawson will be sidelined for up to two months after suffering a grotesque-looking 'ostrich knee' during England's win over Bulgaria on Friday evening.

A fairly innocuous challenge resulted in Dawson's knee twisting awkwardly as he fell, and a statement on Spurs' official website confirmed that the 26-year-old has indeed sprained ligaments in his left knee as well as rupturing a ligament in his left ankle.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Snubbed Liverpool

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By Ollie Irish

Rafael van der Vaart has revealed that he chose to join Tottenham despite a late offer from Liverpool (and not Bayern Munich, as was reported). Excellent choice, sir.

Van der Vaart told Sky Sports News: "Liverpool were interested.

John Toshack ‘Ready To Quit’ As Wales Manager

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By Chris Wright

BBC Sport are reporting this morning that John Toshack is currently clearing his desk and getting ready to quit as the manager of Wales, after taking the team as far as he feels is humanly possible.

Toshack is not thought to be under any pressure to resign by the Welsh FA, but has held talks with his superiors after his side lost out to Macedonia in their Euro 2012 qualifier on Friday night.

Nike To Stand By Disgraced Wayne Rooney

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By Ollie Irish

Wayne Rooney's main sponsors Nike have confirmed they will stand by the Manchester United striker despite tabloid allegations that he had an affair with a prostitute.

Endorsement deals with global companies Nike, EA Sports and Coca-Cola have helped boost Wazza's personal fortune to £35million (source: Sunday Times Rich List), but it remains to be seen if all of his backers will take the same stance as Nike, who memorably stuck with Tiger Woods despite the golfer's string of affairs.

Weekly Pielights: Redknapp The Wheeler-Dealer, WAG Sarah Brandner, Neymar Loses Shorts, Top 10 Marmite Players

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By Ollie Irish

THE best stuff on Pies over the last week:

Harry Redknapp Tells Sky Sports To ‘F**k Off' After Wheeler Dealer Jibe

Video: Neymar Loses His Shorts In The Tackle

When Will Football Tackle Homophobia?

Top 10 European Away Kits For 2010-11

Umbro Unveil New England Home Kit For Euro 2012 – The Blue Shorts Are Back!

Wayne Rooney Kiss-And-Tell 1-0 Pakistan Cricket Fixing Scandal

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By Paul Sorene

ALL day long Sky News has been leading with news of the Pakistan cricket fix allegations. But "The most sensational sporting scandal ever" has been utterly overtaken by news that prostitute Jennifer Thompson says she was shagging Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney while his wife Coleen was carrying their child.

Wayne Rooney Cheated On Pregnant Coleen With Prostitute

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By Ollie Irish

This is Jenny Thompson, a tramp-stamped hooker with a mannish face who claims to have conducted a sordid affair with Wayne Rooney behind the back of his pregnant wife Coleen. Oh dear, a lot of shit is about to hit a very big fan. The bright side: at least she's not a grandmother.

England 4-0 Bulgaria: England Player Ratings

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By Chris Wright

Joe Hart: The young ‘keeper wasn't made to face a barrage, but his assured demeanour allowed you to afford the kind of confidence in him that you wouldn't allow yourself to feel toward his immediate predecessors David James and Robert Green.

The Football Hard Man Index No.6: Trifon Ivanov, Aka The Bulgarian Wolfman

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By Ollie Irish

Routinely included on 'Ugliest Footballers' lists, Trifon 'The Wolfman' Ivanov also played ugly. If Trifon didn't intimidate opponents with his wild looks and intense stare, he would simply hack them down.

It would be harsh on Ivanov to remember him only as a hatchet man he possessed a fine pair of shooting boots too, and could play a bit, as 77 caps for Bulgaria attest, not to mention this fine strike against Wales:

So, foot like a traction engine and, er, a face like a traction engine too.

Skills: Fabio Cannavaro’s Flicked Assist For Al-Ahli Is Sweeeeet

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By Ollie Irish

Fabio Cannavaro shines on his home debut for Al-Ahli Dubai:

You have to wonder about the quality of a league in which a leggy old defender like Cannavaro is allowed the time and space to play like Adel Taarabt on speed, but hey, it's still a very nice pass.

Is Jamie Carragher A True Liverpool Legend?

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By Ollie Irish

'We all dream of a team of Carraghers,' the Kop roars, though perhaps not quite as much as they did a few seasons ago, when Jamie Carragher was the most consistent English centre-back around. Hmm, you'd have to say a team of Carraghers might be lacking a little pace and creativity.

Agent Claims That Man City AND Real Madrid Wanted Marco Borriello On Deadline Day

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By Chris Wright

Both Manchester City and Real Madrid were in the hunt for former AC Milan striker Marco Borriello on transfer deadline day, according to his agent Tiberio Cavalleri;

"It could have ended differently.

Fernando Torres Won’t Be Fully Fit For ‘At Least Another Month’

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool's medical team have confirmed that, although he made his return to action on the opening day of the Premier League, striker Fernando Torres will not reach peak fitness for at least another month despite being ahead of schedule.

Tottenham Allocate Squad Numbers For New Signings – Van Der Vaart Gets No.11, Gallas Sticks With No.13

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By Ollie Irish

Number-based news from the mighty Tottenham Hotspur, via the club's website:

"Following the closure of the summer transfer window, our four new arrivals Sandro, William Gallas, Stipe Pletikosa and Rafael Van der Vaart have been given squad numbers for the season.

Top Six Ballon D’Or Candidates

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By Ollie Irish

If Uncle Sepp asked us to pick a six-man shortlist for this year's FIFA Ballon d'Or, here are the players who would make the Pies cut:

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WES SNEIJDER (Inter & Netherlands) - Imperious for Inter all season, carried that form into the World Cup, where he was one of the few big names to live up to his star billing

Photos: PA

From that shortlist, I would give it to Xavi, who had such a brilliant season for club and country, and rarely put a foot wrong.

Which Club Made ‘Big-Money Bid’ For Gareth Bale This Summer?

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By Ollie Irish

Tottenham dynamo Gareth Bale was the subject of a "big-money bid" over the summer, according to Wales manager John Toshack.

Toshack said: "It was a big-money bid it's big money to me anyway. You'll have to ask Tottenham, they know about it.

Video: Taoba Kemmy Sent Off For Aiming Throw-In At Opponent’s Face – Women’s Football Is FIERCE

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By Ollie Irish

Taoba Kemmy plays for women's football team Turbine Potsdam. Playing against fierce rivals FFC Frankfurt in the Bundesliga, Kemmy decided to aim a throw-in at the face of opponent Kerstin Garefreke, an unsportswomanlike act which earned her a red card and some degree of internet infamy though not quite as infamous as hair puller Elizabeth Lambert.

Gerard Houllier In The Frame For Aston Villa Job

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By Chris Wright

Former Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier has emerged as the prime candidate to be appointed as the new manager of Aston Villa, after being interviewed for the post by the club's owner Randy Lerner.

Houllier, who has been serving as a technical director for the French Football Federation (presumably he's been fairly busy of late) since leaving Lyon in 2007, is expected to be announced as Martin O'Neill's successor early next week.

Spot The Baller: Wee Jimmy Krankie

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By Ollie Irish

Who the hell is Wee Jimmy Krankie? Answers in the usual place, please.

Previous answer: Daniel Agger



Man Utd Fans Stick It To The Glazers With ‘Old Shirt’ Protest

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By Chris Wright


After failing to dislodge the club's owners with their fairly futile 'green and gold' campaign, Manchester United supporters are now planning to attempt another coup by staging a fearsome 'old shirt' protest.

Various supporters' groups are backing a move that would involve fans sporting United shirts that pre-date the Glazers' 2005 takeover (would they even realise what the significance was?

Top 10 Photos: England Training Session For Bulgaria Euro 2012 Qualifier

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By Ollie Irish

Stevie and Wayne, sitting in a tree etc etc.

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England's Steven Gerrard (right) and Wayne Rooney during training

Photos: PA

Brave new England? Not quite, but at least I hope we can reset our expectations for how good Capello's team is.

David Beckham Ahead Of Schedule For LA Galaxy Comeback

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By Ollie Irish

David Beckham was told by doctors that he'd have to wait until October 2010 to make his comeback from the Achilles injury he suffered earlier this year. But Becks being the stubborn sod that he is, it looks like he'll be back in action for LA Galaxy sooner than expected.

Portugal Manager Carlos Queiroz Banned For Six Months

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By Ollie Irish

Doping officials? You're gonna get your f**king head kicked in

Portugal gaffer Carlos Queiroz has been suspended for six months after it was ruled that he disrupted an anti-doping test ahead of the 2010 World Cup.

Liverpool’s Lack Of Success Is ‘Annoying’ – Jamie Carragher

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By Ollie Irish

Jamie Carragher accepts Liverpool's best chance of silverware this season will come in cup competitions as they have too much ground to make up on title favourites such as Man Utd and Chelsea.

"People have said 'You've done this and that for Liverpool' but we've not won a trophy for four years and that is annoying me a little bit," Carra said.

Maradona Goes Dark, Inter Feel The Pinch, Ruud Boffin Joins West Ham, Pele In Brazil

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By Ollie Irish

Recommended content:

TOP LINK Pele in Brazil Run of Play

Inter tighten the belt FourFourTwo

The adventures of Germany's worst team (in Football Manager 2010) Iain Macintosh

Victoria Beckham is on Twitter, dahlings Goaly Moly

Young Boys turn back on the Wankdorf Anorak

Fergie and Wenger helped Birmingham sign Alex Hleb Sky Sports

Diego Maradona has gone dark Dirty Tackle

Coleen Rooney wants you to buy some stuff Kickette

West Ham sign keeper with a brilliant name: Ruud Boffin Caught Offside

My Favourite Footballer.

The Football WAG Index No.32: Daniela Cavalieri

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By Ollie Irish

More proof, if it were needed, that professional footballers really do punch well above their weight when it comes to attracting the ladies.

Here is Diego Cavalieri, former Liverpool reserve keeper who now plays for Cesena:

And here is his wife, Daniela Cavalieri (a little NSFW nudity ahoy!

Rio Ferdinand & Anderson Back In Action For Man Utd Reserves (With Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Rio Ferdinand is back. Brrrraaaaaaaaaaaap! And Anderson too. Braaaaaaaap! Here are some pics of them playing for Man Utd's Reserves at Oldham (United won 2-1). Brrraaap!

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Manchester United's Rio Ferdinand warms up prior to the Premier Reserve League at Bower Field, Stalybridge.

Retro Football: Saint & Greavsie, The Video Game

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By Ollie Irish

A funny old game? Yes, exactly that:

Amazing. Frankly, who needs the bells and whistles of FIFA and PES when you could be playing Saint & Greavsie on an Amiga or ZX Spectrum you bought from a charity shop? Right NOW! Or perhaps you never got rid of your old console in the first place.

Top 10 Marmite Players

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By Ollie Irish

The footballers you either love to hate or love to love.

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic - Massive tool or massive talent?

Photos: PA

Anyone we missed?

Sh*t Lookalikes: Edwin Van Der Sar & Spiderman Villain Electro

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By Ollie Irish

One is a superhuman with amazing reflexes... you see where this is going, so I'll stop now.

Coachie Ballgames

Got a Shit Lookalike for us? Send it to ollie@anorak.co.uk



FIFA Bylaw Ends Mikel Arteta’s England Dream

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By Chris Wright

Not that it was ever going to happen anyway, but the FA have kicked Everton midfielder Mikel Arteta's ambitions of representing England square in the danglers after citing a little-known FIFA bylaw.

Spanish-born Arteta admitted that he was open to the idea of receiving an England call-up after qualifying for selection by completing the necessary five-year residency period, but the FA have now confirmed that the 28-year-old is ineligible after all due to having represented Spain in official competition at junior level.

Retro Football: 10 Awesome Photos Of Bill Shankly

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By Ollie Irish

If he was still with us, the great Bill Shankly would be 97 years old today, and no doubt still an avid fan of the beautiful game, and particularly his beloved Liverpool. So happy birthday Shanks he passed away in September 1981, but he'll never be forgotten, not at Anfield anyway.

Just For The Record, Alex McLeish Is NOT Jose Mourinho

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By Chris Wright

Friends, we are witnessing association football's fragile facade crumbling before our very eyes.

Following yesterday's shocking revelations that Real Madrid coach Jose Mourinho is not as he was believed to be child magician Harry Potter, comes the planet-shattering development that Birmingham manager Alex McLeish is, in turn, not the Real Madrid coach.

Top 10 Best-Selling Football Club Shirts In The World

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By Ollie Irish

Mildly exciting research published this week has revealed which football clubs sell the most shirts around the world. You won't be surprised to find out that the list is dominated by sportswear giantsNike and Adidas. In reverse order then...

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Juventus (Nike): 400,000 - 600,000 shirts per season, on average

(Figures based on average sales per season, 2005-09)



Zlatan Ibrahimovic Blasts ‘Small Time’ Pep Guardiola

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan new-boy Zlatan Ibrahimovic has levelled a fairly vicious (and fairly petty) parting shot at his former Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola, accusing him of being a 'small time coach' and inferring that the Barca coach didn't possess the necessary steel to handle the presence of a certain lolloping Swedish gobshite in his team.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Signs For Tottenham, £9m Deal – Yes Yes Yes

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By Ollie Irish

Tottenham have confirmed the signing of Rafael van der Vaart from Real Madrid for a fee around £9m after the Premier League gave them the green light to add the Dutch midfielder to their squad. That is an absolute bargain.

Just For The Record, Jose Mourinho is NOT Harry Potter!

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By Chris Wright

Jose Potter and the Wizzigoggle from Mooglepipe

Despite mounting speculation to the contrary, Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho has once again refuted claims that he is child magician Harry Potter.

Speaking after his sides' opening-day goalless stalemate with Real Mallorca (a result that can best be described as 'underwhelming', given the preceding fanfare), Mourinho urged the Real fans to remain patient and allow his new squad time to gel;

"Look, I'm a coach, I'm not Harry Potter.

The Football WAG Index No.31: Sarah Brandner

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By Ollie Irish

Not quite sure how we got to 30 WAGs without finding room for Bastian Schweinsteiger's supermodel girlfriend, but she can't escape our entirely non-pervy gaze for a second longer...

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Brandner does GQ:

And in bodypaint for Sports Illustrated:



Retro Football: Eight Awesome Contract-Signing Photos

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By Ollie Irish

Pies remembers the days when footballers would sign new contracts in front of the camera. These days they just hold up a shirt and grin.

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Denis Law smiles at Manchester United manager Matt Busby as he puts pen to paper in July 1962

Photos: PA

Two words: Keegan's hair.

Tottenham Still Waiting On Rafael Van Der Vaart Deal

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By Chris Wright

It's nail-biting stuff

TOTTENHAM are still sweating on confirmation as to whether their last-ditch attempt to sign Rafael Van der Vaart from Real Madrid was successful, and there's no official word from either club as yet.

Umbro Unveil New England Home Kit For Euro 2012 – The Blue Shorts Are Back!

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By Ollie Irish

Photo: Umbro (click to enlarge)

(Top row: Joe Hart, Adam Johnson, Eric Dier, Jade Bailey, Saido Berahino, Thomas Cruise; Bottom row: Jack Wilshere, Fern Whelan, Wayne Rooney, Connor Wickham, Theo Walcott)

Here's a first view of England's new Umbro home kit.

Transfer Deadline Day: All The Moves

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By Chris Wright

'Twas all a bit dull in the end, no? Anyway, in no particular order, here's a round-up of all of yesterday's movers and shakers...

Premier League:

Robinho [Manchester City - AC Milan] Undisclosed
Asamoah Gyan
[Rennes - Sunderland] £13m
Alexander Hleb
[Barcelona - Birmingham] Loan
Jean Beausejour
[Club America - Birmingham] Undisclosed
Marcus Bent
[Birmingham - Wolves] Loan
Paul Konchesky
[Fulham - Liverpool] £4m (inc.

Swindon Newspaper Uses Subbuteo To Get Around Southampton Photo Ban

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By Ollie Irish

'Like' this. Like it a lot...

Photo: Siobhan Boyle

"A regional daily newspaper has found a new way around the ban on photographers imposed by Southampton Football Club – by using Subbuteo table football figures to recreate a match.

Top 10 Photos: England Train For Euro 2012 Qualifiers

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By Ollie Irish

The best pics of England going through the motions ahead of Friday's Euro 2012 qualifier against Bulgaria at Wembley:

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England's Joe Hart (left) and Steven Gerrard during the training session at London Colney, London.

Uefa Ban Vuvuzelas For Euro 2012, Champions League And Europa League

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By Ollie Irish

This statement just in from Platini Towers:

"UEFA has decided that vuvuzelas – the trumpet that came to prominence at games during this summer's FIFA World Cup in South Africa – may not be brought into stadiums at matches in UEFA competitions.

SPONSORED POST – Are You More Shapely Than Svelte?

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This is a sponsored post from Pfizer

As you get ready to set off on your summer holidays, take a moment to consider which bloke you'll be on the beach –Mr. Summer Loving or Mr. Summer Love Handle. If you're shaping up to fall into the latter category, then it's time to take control of that extra weight and get rid of a few pounds.