Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2010

The Football Snapshot: Everton Stars Sign Autographs For Fans

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By Ollie Irish

Everton's Sylvain Distin, Marouane Fellaini and Tony Hibbert pose with a model dressed in a Everton outfit during a signing session for fans at the club shop.

More Everton stories

Pies Prediction League: Week 18

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By Ollie Irish

We'll update the table next time not enough fixtures last weekend to make it worthwhile.

Week 18

Lawro says:

Fulham 2-1 West Ham
Blackburn 1-1 Stoke
Blackpool 1-2 Liverpool
Bolton 2-1 West Brom
Everton 2-0 Birmingham
Man Utd 2-0 Sunderland
Newcastle 1-1 Man City
Wolves 2-0 Wigan
Aston Villa 2-1 Tottenham
Arsenal 2-1 Chelsea

Pies says:

Fulham 1-0 West Ham
Blackburn 0-1 Stoke
Blackpool 0-1 Liverpool
Bolton 1-1 West Brom
Everton 2-1 Birmingham
Man Utd 2-1 Sunderland
Newcastle 1-2 Man City
Wolves 1-1 Wigan
Aston Villa 2-2 Tottenham
Arsenal 1-2 Chelsea

You say?

Happy Christmas From Pies!

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By Ollie Irish

George Best and Mike Summerbee in the Christmas spirit, December 1969

Pies is taking a wee Christmas break and will return in the New Year, fully refreshed and a few pounds heavier. I just wanted to thank all of you for your support in 2010, which has been a record-breaking year for us in terms of traffic and comments.

Alex Ferguson Unleashes The Fury At ‘Lying’ Journalists (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bang, I'm Alex Ferguson! Merry Christmas from everyone at Old Trafford you filthy, low-down, belly-dwellin' good-for-nothing hacks...

(via 101GG, who else?)

Ronaldo And Benzema Help Themselves As Real Madrid Obliterate Levante 8-0 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Thanks chiefly to fine hat-tricks from Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema (who, at this rate, is surely playing his way out of a January transfer), Real Madrid well and truly obliterated Levante at the Bernabeu last night smashing eight unanswered goals past their hapless Copa Del Rey opponents.

Tottenham Linked With Arsenal Flop And Blackburn Man-Mountain

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By Chris Wright

Former Arsenal dud Julio Baptista (currently of Roma or, more accurately, Roma's reserves) is in line for a return to North London come January, after hinting that he may have already received an offer from Tottenham.

When pressed specifically about speculation linking him with a move to White Hart Lane, the Brazilian brick-house told Spanish radio station Canal Sur:

"I have received something but there is nothing formal.

Ronaldinho Set To Sod Off Back To Gremio

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By Chris Wright

According to the mouth-words of Gremio president Paulo Odone, AC Milan's resident wonder-horse Ronaldinho is within spitting distance of agreeing a deal to return to the club with which he began his footballing career at the tender age of 7.

‘Carragher Is Nothing, He Is Ketchup Or Mustard’ – El-Hadji Diouf

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By Chris Wright

This article really needs no introduction, so I'm just going to press right on ahead with the quotes.

So said Blackburn winger El-Hadji Diouf in this morning's Sun:

"If Liverpool had 10 players like Jamie Carragher, then they would never win anything.

Bilbao Coach Mocks Guardiola With ‘Harlem Globetrotters’ Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Athletic Bilbao coach Joaquin Capparos pokes a bit of fun at his Barca counterpart Pep Guardiola, who was the recipient of a petulant little shovette from Cristiano Ronaldo when he attempted a similar (though not half as handy) bout of ball-retention during last month's El Clasico.

Man Utd Just About Confirm Van Der Sar Retirement

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By Chris Wright

After a couple of month's worth of speculation and indeed counter-speculation over the subject, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has come as near-as-damn-it to confirming that this season will be veteran 'keeper Edwin van der Sar's last:

"We are planning for this being [Van der Sar's] last season.

‘Nani Must Be 1,600 Times More Intelligent Than Me’ – Arsene Wenger

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has seen fit to lampoon Manchester United's resident preening man-bitch Nani, after the Portuguese winger dismissed Arsenal's title aspirations by claiming that Chelsea (who currently lie in fourth) are his side's only genuine rivals.

It’s Official! Rafa Benitez Has Left Inter Milan

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By Chris Wright

Inter Milan have issued a statement confirming that, after a few days of limbo, Rafa Benitez has officially been relieved of his duties at the Guiseppe Meazza after the two parties finally reached an agreement over the financial terms of the Spaniard's dismissal.

‘It’s No Secret, The Glazers Will Sell’ – Qatar Plan £1.5bn Man Utd Takeover

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By Chris Wright

The Sun are carrying the EXCLUSIVE! news today that Manchester United's collective owners, them there Glazer boys, may be about to 'double their money' by flogging the club to the Qatari royal family (beats a Burmese junta I guess), who are apparently headed up by Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani.

Go Support A Small Football Club – It’s Way More Fun

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By Alexander Netherton

I support Manchester United and I am more likely than you to commit suicide. Big Four football has given me depression. Sympathy please!

In 1995, the Samaritans announced that the demographic most likely to kill themselves was the young man aged 16-24.

Top 10 Football Blogs Of 2010

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By Ollie Irish

In no particular order, here are the ten footy blogs we rated the highest this year:

In Bed With Maradona It's been a defining year for this brilliantly named site, which has gone from relative obscurity to widespread acclaim in no time.

Buy Issue 1 PDF Of Who Ate All The Pies For £1

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By Ollie Irish

Earlier this week, we launched the first ever issue of our new football magazine. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, to which we say: thanks!

The one complaint we have heard is that those of you without iPads can't enjoy the mag unless you buy the printed mag (a great collector's item, nudge nudge, wink wink).

Shit Lookalikes: Yaya Toure & Dr Manhattan From ‘Watchmen’

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By Ollie Irish

Okay, they don't look anything alike, apart from both being pale blue and bloody enormous – which is good enough for me, frankly.

Send yer nominations for Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or Tweet me

Jamie Carragher To Be Groomed As Future England Manager

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By Chris Wright

The FA have concocted a scheme wherein they plan to approach several 'senior pros' with an offer of being fast-tracked through the international coaching structure, with the express intent of saddling them with enough experience to hopefully take on the full England mantle as and when the time comes.

Top 20 Football Videos Of 2010, Part 1

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By Ollie Irish

In no particular order, Pies presents 20 footy vids we loved in 2010. This is part 1...

Guti's backheel assist cheekier than the Cheeky Girls mooning out of a van, and the assist of the year, no contest.

PE teacher breaks long throw-in world record Have that, Delap!

Celtic 1-1 Kilmarnock – Hoops Miss Out (Photos & Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Celtic dominated this match (65% possession, six times as many shots on target as Killie and four times as many corners) but needed a header by Thomas Rogne late in the match to snatch a draw. Rangers stay top going into the Xmas fixtures, with the Hoops two points behind – and the Gers have a game in hand.

Bacary Sagna Sings A Lovely Christmas Carol (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Arsenal mob have released their annual 'Season's Greetings' video into the ether. Enjoy...

...highlight for me is definitely Nicklas Bendtner's 'hello there!'/grandad cardigan combo, timeless.

Norwich Ruin Bolton’s Genius ‘Clone Strike Partnership’ Plan

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By Chris Wright

Bolton Wanderers (as well as Blackpool, Wigan and West Ham, according to the Daily Mirror) have been told that Norwich's £2-million-rated top-scorer Grant Holt will not be for sale in the January transfer market, which has seemingly put paid to the Trotters' nefarious ploy of being able to field a near-identical strike partnership come February.

Landon Donovan Rules Out Everton Loan Switch

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By Chris Wright

"Look what I picked up in the sales"

Despite 'hinting' to the contrary a few weeks ago, LA Galaxy forward Landon Donovan has now moved to put the kibosh on rumours of him re-joining Everton on loan in January as, to put it bluntly, he's friggin' knackered.

Sunderland Size Up Cheeky Man City Double Dip

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By Chris Wright

According to the transfer toss in this morning's Daily Mail, Sunderland are plotting a 'double raid' on Man City in January, firstly to tie down current Black Cats loanee Nedum Onuoha to a £6 million permanent deal, and secondly to test the water over bringing in winger Adam Johnson on loan until the end of the season.

Nicolas Anelka To Ditch Chelsea For MLS Semi-Retirement

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By Chris Wright

A quick word from Nicolas Anelka's brother/agent Claude this morning, in which we discover that the sullen Chelsea striker already has one eye on a lucrative move into semi-retirement in the MLS when his contract at the Bridge expires in the summer of 2012.

The 10 Best Footballers In 2010

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By Ollie Irish

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

10. Javier Zanetti - Brilliant for Inter last season and would have gone to the World Cup, but for Maradona's gross ego. Zanetti is a model professional and at 37 is still world-class in at least one position.

Mario Balotelli Picks Up ‘Golden Boy’ Award, Doesn’t Know Who Jack Wilshere Is

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By Chris Wright

Far be it from me to brand Manchester City upstart Mario Balotelli as being utterly myopic, self-centred, self-interested, alienating, egotistical, petulant, ridiculously immature, head-strong, off-puttingly pugnacious, cripplingly arrogant, impudent, unloyal?

The 50 Best Football Photos Of 2010, Part 2

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By Ollie Irish

Here's the second part of our picture review of the football year (Check out Part 1).

27 June: A Brazil fan needles a Lionel Messi voodoo doll during Argentina's World Cup Round of 16 match against Mexico. Argentina won that one but were soundly thrashed by Germany in the quarter-finals, dashing Diego Maradona's dream of glory.

Dimitar Berbatov Delivers Worst ‘Award Acceptance’ Speech Ever

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By Chris Wright

Misery, thy name is Berbatov

Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov has been bestowed with the prestigious 'Bulgarian Player of the Year' award for the fourth consecutive year (thus equalling Barca legend Hristo Stoichkov's record for successive wins) and for the seventh time in his career overall though he used his acceptance speech to plead with the country's journalists to cease and desist voting for him, as he never wants to be landed with the gong again.

Man City 1-2 Everton – We’ve Got Timmy Tourettes In Our Nets, F**k Off F**k Off F**k Off

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By Ollie Irish

Tim Howard was Everton's ultimate hero against Man City last night, taking on all-comers in a display of such intensity I thought he was literally going to explode at one stage. T-Ho was a wrecking ball.

City had more possession, more chances, more corners – more everything except heart and genuine teamwork.

Barcelona Shirt Deal In Limbo After Qatari Charity Linked With Terrorist Group

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By Chris Wright

Reports emanating from Israel (namely the Ma'ariv newspaper) are claiming that Barcelona's historic shirt sponsorship deal with the Qatar Foundation is in jeopardy as the Arab organisation have been accused of forging direct links with Islamic (and, for the record, Palestinian)Â terrorist group Hamas.

Record Breaker Samuel Eto’o Crowned African Footballer Of The Year

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By Chris Wright

Inter Milan's Cameroonian striker Samuel Eto'o has been crowned African Footballer of the Year for a record fourth time at the Glo-CAF's bash in Cairo last night.

Eto'o, who beat Ivorian Didier Drogba (Chelsea) and Ghanaian Asamoah Gyan (Sunderland) into second and third place respectively, is now the only player to have been bestowed with the bauble on four separate occasions.

Zagreb Chief Claims Luka Modric Is Chelsea’s ‘First Pick’

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By Chris Wright

Dinamo Zagreb vice-president Zdravko Mamic is running his mouth in The Sun this morning, claiming to have the inside track on Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti's desperation to land Tottenham midfielder Luka Modric sooner rather than later.

West Ham Snare ‘Season Savers’ Robbie Keane And Steve Sidwell

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By Chris Wright

"Where is this 'Western Ham' of which you speak?"

According to a ridiculously long-winded piece of a la carte transfer fluff in this morning's Telegraph, West Ham are within spitting distance of tying up a six-month loan deal for Tottenham rapscallion Robbie Keane a temporary contract that will reportedly include an optional three-year permanent deal tacked on to the tail-end.

‘We Respect Our Budget’ – Arsene Wenger Offers Man City Financial Advice

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal's frugal purse-string fondler-in-chief Arsene Wenger has once again hinted that he won't be readily spending 'penny one' in the January transfer market in an interview with Al Jazeera TV:

"We respect our budget.

Milan Confirm Signing Of Antonio Cassano

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By Ollie Irish

Antonio Cassano will become a Milan player on 3 January 2011 after the rossoneri reached an agreement with Sampdoria to pay Real Madrid half of his €5 million buy-out clause. Samp will pay Madrid the other half of Cassano's contract – that's how badly they wanted to get rid of him.

Mario Balotelli’s Glove Hat Is Awesome

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By Ollie Irish

Snapped at Eastlands this evening, it's the lesser-spotted Mario:

Want. Need. Not got... yet. But I'm shocked that Mario hasn't cut off four of the digits, thereby turning the hat into one giant bird-flip to the whole world.

As Pies reader @xoBrittanyRose points out, Mario in this hat has a perfect Shit Lookalike:

Brilliant.

Sports Personality Of The Year Photos – Ridiculous Beckham Hysteria Ahoy!

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By Ollie Irish

You don't need me to tell you that the notion of D-Becks (aged 35) getting a 'Lifetime Achievement' award – as he did at last night's BBC Sports Personality show – is absurd. You could tell that Sir Bobby Charlton thought as much, not only by looking at his stone face up on stage but also when he was asked by the host to laud Beckham and could only describe him as a "pleasant" lad.

Edinson Cavani Adds £5m To Value With Coruscating Goal vs Lecce (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

A bit like a superior Andy Carroll, Ed Cavani continues to impress with his pace, power and finishing ability. Here he rips Lecce's defence to shreds before unleashing hell. If you listen closely, you can hear his agent smiling...

Cav's barnstormer won the game for Napoli in added time, to keep the Azzurri very much in the title race.

The 50 Best Football Photos Of 2010 – Part 1

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By Ollie Irish

Our review of the year, as told in photos. Here's part one, with part two up tomorrow. Enjoy...

7 January: Landon Donovan is unveiled as an Everton player at the club's training complex. The American enjoyed a fruitful spell in the Premier League and may yet return this January.

David Beckham Puts Out The Feelers For European Return

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By Chris Wright

"Nessun dorma, nessun dorma..."

Bid-backer extraordinaire, ovation milker par excellence, newly-crowned BBC 'Greatest Single Entity in the Known Universe' and part-time LA Galaxy quarterback David Beckham has begun touting for a return to Europe on loan during the MLS off-season in a bid to win back his place in the England squad that's right, never give up hope Becksy, NEVER!

Blackburn Prodigy Phil Jones Ruled Out For Five Months

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn have confirmed that promising centre-back Phil Jones is set for 'four or five' weeks on the sidelines after twisting his knee awkwardly ten minutes after coming on as a sub against West Ham on Saturday.

So said Rovers caretaker Steve Kean said after the game:

"I think Phil is going to be a long-term one.

Pies Launches New Football Magazine, Issue 1 Out Now!

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By Ollie Irish

Big news, folks. Today we launch the first issue of our new quarterly football magazine. Wooooooop!

The first issue of Who Ate All The Pies (The Tasty Football Magazine) is on sale today. TODAY! Like NOW! You can consume Issue No.1 it in two ways:

1) As a printed, 48-page magazine (order it here) we hope that you'll buy it not only as a gesture of support for Pies (it costs around a fiver), but also just because it's worth it.

Liverpool Boss Roy Hodgson Eyes ‘Tottenham-Style’ Signings

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By Chris Wright

"I wonder if Jonathan Greening's back on the market yet?"

Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson has confirmed that he will be allowed access to NESV's coinpurse come the turn of the year, and that he is looking to mirror Harry Redknapp's 'gung-ho' approach to squad assembly by making several January signings to help mould the Reds in his image.

Snowballs Stop Play In Belgian League Clash (Video)

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By Chris Wright

During yesterday's Jupiler League clash between the two clubs, Club Brugge supporters forced Anderlecht back into the tunnel with just seven minutes on the clock after repeatedly pelting their players with snowballs every time they ventured anywhere near the touchlines.

Rafa Benitez Sacked By Inter – Club World Cup Win Counted For Nothing

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By Ollie Irish

Reports in Italy claim that Rafa Benitez either has been sacked by Inter or is about to be given the boot in the next 48 hours. Recent comments by Inter chief Massimo Moratti suggested that Benitez was a dead fat waiter walking, and not even victory in the Club World Cup – a hollow victory anyway, in a hollow tournament – can save the Spaniard; there are even reports that he has returned to his home in Liverpool.

Shit Lookalikes: Frederic Piquionne & Coolio

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By Chris Wright

Piquionne is the poor man's Adebayor

Coolio has been blasting and laughing so long that even his Momma thinks that his mind has gone.

More Shit Lookalikes on Pies

Man Utd Offered Carlos Tevez Behind Man City’s Back

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By Chris Wright

It's sub-Siberian, my fingers are completely frozen, I'm shivering like a sh*tting spaniel and still at least 18% inebriated here goes nothing.

This particular doozy of a rumour first appeared in yesterday's Mail on Sunday (I know, I know), but is so deliciously unctuous that it warrants a re-hash in my book.

Tottenham Put Together £20m Package For Newcastle Bruiser

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By Chris Wright

Both the Daily Mirror and the Express seem pretty sure that Tottenham, in a bid to stave off high-rollers Chelsea and Manchester City, are putting together a £20 million package with which they intend to land Newcastle target man Andy Carroll in January a 'swapsies' deal that will see both Robbie Keane and Peter Crouch moving the other way.

‘We Were Scared Of Losing To Man Utd’ – Cesc Fabregas

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas has admitted that it was his side's repeated failure to 'rise to the occassion' that saw them lose out 1-0 to Manchester United last Monday:

"The difference on the night (against United) was that we were scared of losing but they were not scared of winning.

Craig Gordon Makes Wonder Save, Sunderland vs Bolton (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Superb athleticism and hustle by Gordon, if not quite the miracle save some people have made it out to be.

Photos: Blackburn 1-1 West Ham – Carlton Cole Lands In The Snow

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By Ollie Irish

West Ham striker Carlton Cole sees the funny side as he tumbles into snow on the sidelines at Ewood Park.

The Irons drew 1-1 at managerless Blackburn Rovers in one of the few matches in England that was not a victim of the cold weather.

Fat Bolton Fan Does Not Feel The Cold (Pic)

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By Ollie Irish

Nice fat suit man. Oh...

I've lost my appetite suddenly.

Lech Poznan Fans Bring The Noise For U-12 Match (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Utterly brilliant – this made my day. Well played, crazy Poles. And yes, that does look a lot like Tottenham's current home kit.

...

Pedobear approves.

Man City Fans Do The ‘Poznan' (Video)

David Beckham Set For BBC ‘Lifetime Achievement’ Award

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By Chris Wright

The BBC have confirmed that David Beckham will receive a special 'lifetime achievement' bauble at this year's Sports Personality of the Year ceremony which is due to take place in Birmingham tomorrow night.

Beeb bod Carl Doran said:

"David's record on and off the pitch has been remarkable.

Joey Barton Refuses To Wear Girly Tracksuit Bottoms (Newcastle Training Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Spot the odd one out. Clue: It's Joey Barton. Shorts in all weather. Love it.

Photos: PA

Spot The Baller: Boba Fett

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By Ollie Irish

Who's the real bounty hunter here? Answer by the usual method, with a pithy comment.

Last week's answer: Katy Perry was Stiliyan Petrov. The proof, if proof be need be:

Guess The Football WAG’s Arse!

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By WAG Watcher

The latest round of our shamless picture quiz:

Who is lounging in the sun? Hmm.

Last week's arse:

It's Noemie Lenoir, on-off squeeze of Claude Makelele. Well in Jon, who was the first reader to get it right.

Pies Classics: Michel Platini Drives La Renault 12

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By Ollie Irish

Is Platini just about to nick this Renault? He looks damn shifty – but then he always looks damn shifty; he is French, after all.

If he is about to nick it, then wearing full kit and football boots – he's even brought his ball along – is asking for trouble, surely.

He’s Still Got It … Zinedine Zidane Defeats Poverty In Exhibition Match (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

In which ZZ defeats poverty using his mad skills. If only, but we still enjoyed him turning it on against Olympiakos All-Stars...

Yes, Zizou's still got it – but then he is a couple of years younger than Edwin van der Sar, so it's not like he's some ancient dude.

Paul Konchesky’s Mum Calls Liverpool Fans ‘Scouse Scum’ On Facebook

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By Chris Wright

Second Facebook-related derp of the day comes courtesy of Paul Konchesky's dear old mum, who has allegedly used her account to brand Liverpool fans 'scouse scum' for failing to warm to her beloved 'Cockney c*nt' of a son...

.

Video: Xavi’s Biggest (And Littlest) Fan Finally Meets Her Hero

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By Chris Wright

Here's a little something that's sure to warm your cockles on this chill winter's day.

Remember little Alleke, who has left heartbroken when that mean son-of-a-bitch Xavi let Spain's World Cup precession pass her by without stopping the bus for a quick pow wow?

RIP Ralph Coates – Combover King, Burnley & Tottenham Great

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By Ollie Irish

Sad news on this cold day: Ralph Coates, who played with huge distinction for Burnley and then Tottenham, has died following a stroke. He was 64.

Burnley chief executive Paul Fletcher, who once played with Coates, said: "He is still very much one of the sons of Burnley Football Club and someone who came through the revered youth system and went on to bigger and better things.

First Pic: Proposed Barcelona Shirt With Qatar Foundation Logo

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By Ollie Irish

According to El Mundo, this is what the next Barcelona home shirt will look like, complete with Qatar Foundation logo on the chest – tis the first commercial shirt sponsor Barca have agreed to. Looks like the Unicef logo is relegated to the back. A shame but you can't blame the Catalan club for bowing to market forces, not when they are heavily in debt.

Futsal Star Ricardinho Scores A Wonder Goal (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Here's a news piece on futsal star Ricardinho. At about 1min 15sec in, you can watch him score a quite spectacularly cheeky wonder goal (and I gotta say, the woman signing for the deaf doesn't really do it justice). Or, why not watch the whole vid, as it's only 1min 42sec in total.

Joey Barton Refuses To Wear Girly Tracksuit Bottoms In The Snow (Newcastle Training Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Spot the odd one out. Clue: It's Joey Barton. Shorts in all weather. Love it.

Photos: PA

Jose Mourinho Linked With Every Striker In Manchester

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid are set to lose Gonzalo Higuain for up to two months as he continues to wrestle with a debilitating lower lumbar problem, so it only stands to reason that coach Jose Mourinho should use the January transfer window to bring in a replacement for the Argentinian hitman.

Fabio Capello Has Not Signed A ‘Secret Agreement’ To Manage Man City

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By Chris Wright

The agent (and son) of England manager Fabio Capello has insisted that his client/father doesn't have a secret agreement with Manchester City and/or Inter Milan to take step into the breach should either club choose to sack their respective incumbents at any point in the near future.

Shit Lookalikes: Steven Pienaar & Rachel Yankey

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By Ollie Irish

Pienaar is a tricky winger with a penis.

Yankey is a tricky winger without a penis.

Spotter's badge: Montesquieu.

Send yer nominations for Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just Tweet me up

Linesman’s Wig Booted Off In Football Match (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Don't laugh...

That's a humiliation double whammy on an EPIC scale. Poor bloke. On the bright side, at least he didn't piss himself. So, you know, every cloud etc. etc.

FIFA Dumpling Sepp Blatter Backs ‘Winter World Cup’ Plans

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By Chris Wright

"You know the options Sepp, December or I'll jump"

FIFA honcho Sepp Blatter has backed the calls of UEFA president Michel Platini and Germany's ExCo representative Franz Beckenbauer, who have both suggested that the 2022 Qatar World Cup should be held during the winter in a bid to combat the Arabian country's searing 50°c summer heat.

Champions League Knockout Draw: Arsenal v Barcelona (As Requested), Mlian v Tottenham, Copenhagen v Chelsea, Marseille v Man Utd

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By Ollie Irish

Bring it on, Arsenal fans said. BRING IT ON. Bring on one of the greatest teams ever to play football. And lo, Arsenal will face Barcelona in the last 16 of this season's Champions League. I hope Gooners are happy now. They got their wish and it will take something of a football miracle for Arsenal to make it through two legs against Messi, Xavi, Iniesta and co.

Paul Terry Abused On Facebook After Dale Roberts’ Death

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By Ollie Irish

As you may have heard, Dagenham & Redbridge keeper Dale Roberts died at the age of 24. The cause of his death has yet to be confirmed, but police say it's not suspicious and all the signs point to Roberts taking his own life. Terribly sad.

It's clear that some people blame Paul Terry for Roberts' tragic demise, amidst rumours (well, more than rumours according to one tabloid) that Terry (John Terry's brother) had an affair with Roberts' fiancee, Lindsey Cowan.

Pies Prediction League: Week 17

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By Ollie Irish

The table:

1. Davey Chicago – 137
2.= Ping Yang – 129
2.= WHO ATE ALL THE PIES – 129
4. LAWRO – 122
5. Mizman – 113
6. Rich – 110
7.= Al Neri – 108
7.= South City – 108
9.

Eden Hazard Drops Massive Hint In Arsene Wenger’s Lap

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By Chris Wright

Lille starlet and red top headline writer's dream Eden Hazard (The Duke of Hazard, Fire Hazard...erm...Hazard Perception Test, etc) has plopped a rather large 'come hither' hint in Arsene Wenger's bony Gallic lap, mentioning Arsenal by name as one of the clubs he'd consider joining come the summer.

Football GIF: The Hajduk Split Shuffle

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By Ollie Irish

Hypnotic...

Spotted during Anderlecht's Europa League match against Hajduk Split this week. Sweet moves.

The Football Snapshot: Arsenal Train For Stoke Clash

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By Ollie Irish

Photos: PA

Feyenoord Politely Tell Craig Bellamy To Shut Up

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By Chris Wright

"DRAAAAAGOOOOOO!!!!"

Bit of weird one this. Feyenoord have publicly told Cardiff's loanee gobshite Craig Bellamy to kindly stop telling 'cowboy stories' to anyone who will listen about him joining the Dutch outfit over the summer.

Wayne Rooney’s Sly Kick At Marouane Chamakh (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

What a weasel Rooney is sometimes.

Spotter's badge: 101GreatGoals

David Beckham & Son, Frank Lampard & WAG Attend 2010 Military Awards (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Several big names for the world of football turned up at the Imperial War Museum in south London for the 2010 Military Awards last night – including D-Becks and F-Lamps. We were there too, crouched behind a cannon, Canon primed...

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Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley attend the 2010 Military Awards at the Imperial War Museum

Classic Football GIF: Peter Crouch Does The Robot

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By Ollie Irish

Never gets old.

...

Okay, it gets a bit old. We still love it though.

Rio Ferdinand Stars In Spoof ‘SoccerXizer’ Infomercial (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's UK soccer captain and little Red Devils star Rio/Raul Ferdinand giving his acting #silks a workout in this fairly amusing spoof infomercial for the all-new 'SoccerXizer Pro' sadly, there isn't a yogic bear in sight...

.

Newcastle Linked With £200m Qatar Buyout – Will Ashley Cash In And Ship Out?

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By Chris Wright

"Loadsamoney! Some Arab geezer's offerin' me £200m for this shit-hole!"

If the Daily Mail are to be believed (which they invariably aren't), 'major investors' in Qatar are ready to add to their global football portfolio, with Premier League side Newcastle United being one of the club's being considered for a high-rollin' buyout:

"A week after the Qatar Foundation clinched a £125 million sponsorship deal with Barcelona, a group of 'gold chip' companies from the oil rich nation are looking to invest in a Premier League club

"Sportswear magnate (and Newcastle owner) Mike Ashley officially took the club off the market two years ago, though the Buckinghamshire-based businessman who has invested almost £300 million in the club would be willing to sell to a bidder prepared to pay at least £200 million.

The Football Snapshot: Wayne Rooney’s Magic Number Is 9

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By Ollie Irish

Five 9s in there. Multiply 5 by 9 and you get 45. Add 4 + 5 together and you get ... 9. There must be a terrible Jim Carrey movie in that.

Shit Kits: Bradford City 1991-93

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By Ollie Irish

The early 1990s was a halcyon era for shit football kits, especially in Britain. This Bradford City 'diamonds' shirt, worn from 1991-93, is a textbook case in point:

You might recognise a couple of familiar faces in there – but can you name them all?

Shit Lookalikes: Wojciech Szczesny & Steve Backley

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By Ollie Irish

'Chesney' is a big keeper.

Backley was a spear chucker.

Send yer nominations for Shit Lookalikes to ollie@anorak.co.uk, or just Tweet me up

Patrice Evra Sticks To His Guns Over Arsenal ‘Training Centre’ Jibe

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United's unofficial PR rep Patrice Evra feels that his call to write Arsenal off as a 'training centre' before the two sides met on Monday has been completely vindicated by the Gunners' sallow performance thereafter.

West Ham Give Avram Grant ‘Three Games’ To Save His Job

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By Chris Wright

Those in the know (i.e BBC Sport) are suggesting that West Ham have handed their manager Avram Grant a 'one-game' ultimatum to save his job, meaning that if the Israeli doesn't manage to garner a single victory from his next three games (Blackburn, Fulham and Everton) he will be jettisoned back into the managerial wilderness from whence he came.

Roberto Mancini Plans To Butter Up Carlos Tevez Like A Hot Crumpet

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has revealed that he plans to hold talks with homesick striker Carlos Tevez tomorrow, in a bid to persuade the uppity hobgoblin to stay at Eastlands for the rest of time.

Tragic ‘Keeper Dale Roberts Hanged Himself Over Fiancee’s Affair With John Terry’s Brother

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By Chris Wright

It has come to light that tragic Rushden and Diamonds goalkeeper Dale Roberts, who hanged himself on Monday evening, may have committed suicide after learning that his fiancee cheated on him with his former teammate Paul Terry older brother of John.

‘Who Wouldn’t Want Giggs In Their Team?’ – Gary Speed Opens The Door For Wales’ Old Guard

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By Chris Wright

Wales' old guard: Simon Davies, Ryan Giggs, Robert Page and Robbie Savage

Since being unveiled as the new Wales manager yesterday, Gary Speed has wasted no time in re-opening the lines of communication with the veterans that former incumbent John Toshack systematically put out to pasture insisting that the door is open should ageing stalwarts like Ryan Giggs, Simon Davies and Robbie Savage wish to overturn their respective international retirements.

Lionel Messi’s Fabled ‘Napkin’ Contract Exists! (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona folklore has it that, having astounded everybody by running rings around the club's older youth teams back in 2000 aged just 13, Lionel Messi's father threatened to pull the plug on his son's association with the Catalans during a restaurant meeting with Barca's sporting director at the time Charly Rexach if a deal could not be struck there and then.

Arsenal Switch Would ‘Interest’ Bundesliga Goal Machine

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By Chris Wright

I feel I should issue a prior warning that this one comes by way of Goal.com, so anyone who finds their particular strain of blanket, 'see what sticks' football coverage a little rich is advised to get out while they still can.

Anyway, the site are reporting this afternoon that the Bundesliga's joint-top scorer, Freiberg's £10 million-rated Senegalese striker Papiss Demba Cisse, is angling for an 'interesting' January move to Arsenal having already spurned the advances of Fulham in his quest to join one of the Premier League's London-based Champions League contingent.

Carlo Ancelotti On The Brink Of Chelsea Exit?

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By Chris Wright

According to word in this morning's Currant Bun, the majority of the Chelsea squad are fearing for Carlo Ancelotti's future at the club after watching their manager become increasingly disillusioned with life at Stamford Bridge.

‘Carlos Tevez Will Not Go On Strike’ – Puppet Master Kia Joorabchian

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By Chris Wright

Despite not getting his way after submitting a written transfer request over the weekend, Manchester City's homesick wastrel Carlos Tevez will not be going on strike to force an early Eastlands exit, according to his 'advisor' (read: 'nefarious puppet-master') Kia Joorabchian.

Edin Dzeko Writes To Man City, Asks To Join Eastlands Revolution

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By Chris Wright

It seems that want-away striker Carlos Tevez isn't the only one submitting written transfer requests at Manchester City this week.

Word is that Wolfsburg's towering target man Edin Dzeko has also dug out his favourite 'Forever Friends' stationary set and wrote to City to personally request permission to land in Manchester.

Blackburn Confirm Contact With Maradona

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By Chris Wright

Since the 'news' broke yesterday morning that Blackburn's new owners Venkys were about to replace the outbound Sam Allardyce with Argentinian barmball Diego Maradona, the Indian poultry conglomerate duly moved to quash the speculation by insisting that Big Sam's successor is almost definitely going to be an altogether more prosaic choice.

19 Brilliant Photos Of Premier League Managers When They Were Young

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By Ollie Irish

Some real treats in here, including Mick McCarthy's tache, Ian Holloway's tight shorts (way too tight), Roy Hodgson's mac, and Mark Hughes' perm. Enjoy...

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Roy Hodgson in 1992.

Andres Iniesta Stars In Ad With Friendly Bear (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

More proof that ad creatives take too many drugs. I liked it.

Football GIF: The Roy Hodgson Facerub – Now With Added Rafa

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By Ollie Irish

As if by magic...

As Rafa himself might say, "This is a GIF of very high kwality."

Woy's epic facerub

Neymar Will Not Be Joining Chelsea Any Time Soon

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By Chris Wright

Neymar seen here posing with boyhood hero Garth Crooks

Having been a near-constant fixture on the radars of Europe's elite since the age of 13, Santos' wünderkind Neymar has found himself linked with big-money moves to all and sundry on a consistent basis for at least the last couple of years.

John Carew ‘Conned Out Of £200k’ By Dodgy Car Dealer

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By Chris Wright

Beware the geezer with the bunny in the trilby hat

A jury yesterday heard how Aston Villa striker John Carew was conned out of over £200,000 by a dodgy car dealer after attempting to buy a brace of Porsches as you do.

My Favourite Kit: Empire Athletic, Circa 1980

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By Ed Simmons

Who can forget the classic tussles of the late 70s and early 80s between the powerful Empire Athletic and plucky underdogs Republic FC? It may seem a long time ago now – far, far away in the minds of many – but those days will always live on in my mind, especially because of the masterpiece that was the Empire Athletic kit of the era.

Freestyle Football Babe Does Keepy-Ups In High Heels (Video)

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By WAG Watcher

You can't really argue with this. Well played madam.

Steven Gerrard Pencilled In For Weekend Return

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool are confident that captain Steven Gerrard will make his first-team return against Fulham at the weekend, after he successfully made it through his first 'contact' training session in a month earlier this morning.

Gerrard has been sidelined since twanging roughly £500,ooo's-worth of hamstring on England duty on November 17th, though manager Roy Hodgson told the club's official website that his skipper is making swift progress toward making his comeback:

"Steven's on track for the weekend.

Sepp Blatter Angers The World With Qatar 2022 ‘Gay’ Joke

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By Chris Wright

FIFA's resident tactless Luddite Sepp Blatter has sparked a worldwide controversy by cracking an absolute corker of a quip about 2022 World Cup hosts Qatar and the fact that homosexuality is still deemed illegal in their featureless desert atoll.

European Giants Queue Up To Reject Carlos Tevez

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By Chris Wright

European heavyweights Real Madrid and AC Milan have both signalled that they have no intentions of attempting to sign Carlos Tevez from Manchester City, with both sides shuddering at the uppity striker's €30 million transfer fee.

Blackburn’s Chicken Magnates Want Diego Maradona At The Helm

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By Chris Wright

This morning's Daily Mirror has word on the fall-out precipitated by Sam Allardyce's sacking at the hands of Blackburn's new ownership yesterday, claiming that 'he of the thick neck' now stands to receive a hefty £1.

Man City Finally Snaffle Former Barcelona Starlet

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City have confirmed that they have finally completed the signing of former Barcelona prodigy Gai Assulin on a two-and-a-half year contract this morning after tailing the Israeli youngster since he was released by the Catalans in July.

‘Shocked’ Sam Allardyce Sacked By Blackburn Rovers – Off To West Ham?

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By Ollie Irish

This man needs a job headsets and silk ties aren't cheap you know

Blackburn Rovers have announced they have sacked manager Sam Allardyce. Wowsa, I didn't see that coming at all.

"We have taken this decision as part of our wider plans and ambitions for the club," Rovers said.

Retro Football: 23 Brilliant Photos Of Man Utd vs Arsenal At Old Trafford

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By Ollie Irish

Starring Fergie, Wenger, gloating Martin Keown and a Dutchman with a horse's face...

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April 1965: Manchester United's Denis Law scores past Arsenal keeper Jim Furnell. United won 3-1 to become Division One champions.

Did Joey Barton Call Fernando Torres A F**king Poof? (Photo)

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By Ollie Irish

Gif via Boxofficefootball

My lip-reading skills are not the best, but I would swear blind that Joey-B just called Nando a "f**king poof" while simultaneously grabbing his crotch. I could be wrong, of course. Ahem.

The FA will decide today if they want to take any action over the gesture.

Supermarket Chain Morrisons Seek £1m Compensation From FIFA For ‘Unfair’ World Cup Vote

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By Chris Wright

Supermarket chain Morrisons have called upon FIFA to dole out £1 million in the way of compensation to British 'grassroots' football, in return for what they are calling an 'unfair' World Cup bidding process.

The supermarket have also apparently detailed lawyers in Switzerland to examine whether or not compensation can be legally claimed.

13 Brilliant Premier League Photos, 11-12 December – Holden Out For A Hero

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By Ollie Irish

The best images from the weekend's Prem fixtures, starring Stuart Holden, Alan Pardew, a very flexible mascot and some silly hats:

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Fulham mascot Billy The Badger gets into the spirit of Christmas outside Craven Cottage

Nicklas Bendtner’s Karate Champ Brother Knocked Out By Cola Bottle In Weird Danish Ad (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

In which Nicky B's younger, cooler, harder, better-looking brother Jannick (a martial arts champ, no less) fights off drinks bottles for a Danish cola ad...

Now if there was an ad in which Nicklas got knocked out, I'm buying that product all day long.

Angry Newcastle Fans Protest Against ‘Fat Slug’ Mike Ashley (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Fair play to Mike Ashley for showing his rotund face (and equally rotund body) at St James' on Saturday the lad has a lot of nerve. He must have known he'd get plenty of stick from angry NUFC fans...

Photos: PA

After a triffic result against in-form Liverpool (fair play also to Alan Pardew, who handled the afternoon very well, I thought), I wonder if the discontent at Ashley's behaviour had melted away by full-time?

Man City Fans Do The ‘Poznan’ (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Lech Poznan's vocal fans, who do like to jump up and down on the spot (as do the fans of many clubs outside of England), with backs turned, clearly made a big impression on Man City's supporters in the Europa League this season. When City scored against West Ham this weekend, the Sky Blues' fans paid tribute to the Polish club, by doing the 'Poznan'.

Dani Alves Shanks A Two-Yard Sitter As Barcelona Thump Real Sociedad (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Allow Pies to sum up Barcelona's 5-0 tanking of Real Sociedad at the weekend in concise, 'video essay' format.

A goal apiece from David Villa, Andres Iniesta and Bojan Krkic coupled with a pair of intricate pearlers from Leo Messi ensured that Barca's day contained several elements of 'the sublime' .

Let’s Hear It For… Wigan Athletic

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By Guy Gorman

At Wigan, Dave Whelan has built a (successful) local club for local people

Remember that child you begrudgingly were forced to spend a lot of time with as a kid because your parents were both good friends? They normally made everything rather sticky, had a series of pills they had to take at regular intervals and splashed an astonishing amount of urine outside of the toilet bowl.

Goal Of The Weekend: Yaya Toure The Giant Eats West Ham For Breakfast (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

With respect to Stuey 'Holden out for a Hero' Holden, who scored a lovely winner against Blackburn, this foot-rocket from Yaya the Giant gets my vote as the best Prem goal of the weekend. Because sometimes you can't beat a good net-burster.

He's a unit, is Yaya he's so big he makes his team-mates look like Subbuteo players.

Everton May Flog Steven Pienaar To Fund Striker Search

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By Chris Wright

Everton manager David Moyes has admitted that the club may be forced into cashing in on winger Stephen Pienaar while they still can, in order to fund a move for a much-needed striker in January.

Speaking after his front triumvirate of Louis Saha, Jermaine Beckford and Victor Anichebe contributed the sum total of Sweet Fanny Adams to the cause during the Toffees' goalless stalemate with Wigan on Saturday, Moyes said:

"It may well come to it in the January transfer window that we have to consider selling Pienaar to raise money, because he is out of contract in the summer.

Inter Milan Starlet To Open Talks With Premier League Trio

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By Chris Wright

This may be a little hard to fathom on first read but it would seem that Inter Milan coach Rafa Benitez, a man famed for his geniality and complete lack of persecution complex, may have begun alienating members of his squad during his six months in charge of the Nerazzurri.

Carlos Tevez – Goodbye To Manchester Poster

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By Ollie Irish

Inevitable that some wag would mock this up...

‘My Relationship With Man City Is Beyond Repair’ – Carlos Tevez

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By Chris Wright

Having seen a written transfer request knocked back on Saturday evening, Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez remains adamant that he will quit the club sooner rather than later citing 'irreconcilable differences' between he and certain club executives (who he claims have painted him as, heaven forbid, some kind of cash-grabbing mercenary) as the main catalyst behind his decision to force a move from Eastlands.

Villa Dud Set For ‘Crunch Talks’ Four Months Into A Four-Year Deal

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By Chris Wright

According to this morning's Daily Mail, Aston Villa's £8 million flop Stephen Ireland is set to hold 'crunch talks' (over a bowl of cereal?) with the club's owners today after missing out on the matchday squad for this weekend's Brum derby with near neighbours West Brom.

Charlie Nicholas Hands Jeff Stelling His Arse Back On A Plate (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies presents: 'Champagne' Charlie Nicholas; bona fide raconteur and undisputed master of the witty retort...

...take THAT Stelling, you bleedin' gobshite!

Man City To Lure Nemanja Vidic With Huge ‘Double-Your-Money’ Offer

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By Chris Wright

According to the erstwhile fountain of spurious cockamamie that is Goal.com (I know, I'm sorry), Manchester City are ready to renew their attempts to lure Nemanja Vidic across the city by offering the elbow-nosed Serbian centre-back a rather large 'double-your-money' deal in the summer.

Homesick Tevez Puts In Transfer Request – Man City Say No

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By Ollie Irish

Man City have poo-pooed a written transfer request from homesick striker Carlos Tevez.

A statement from the club read:

"It is with disappointment that we confirm to our supporters that Carlos Tevez has submitted a written transfer request.

Football GIF: Roy Hodgson’s Pain Is Fergie’s Joy (With Bonus Facerub)

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By Ollie Irish

And Roy's epic, "I am in balls deep and don't know what to do" facerub at St James':

Oh Woy.

PES 2011 FAIL – Lionel Messi Plays For Real Madrid

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By Ollie Irish

It's just WRONG.

Spotted on Reddit

Two Girls, One Cup-Winner … Fergie Poses With Hollyoaks Babe

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By WAG Watcher

What young lady can resist the charms of a red-faced pensioner from Govan wearing a dinner jacket?

The blonde in the blue dress is Jorgie Porter, Hollyoaks actress (@miss_jay_pee on Twitter). No clue who the brunette is, but no doubt somone out there can enlighten us.

Oink! Manchester United In Secret Talks To Buy Bastian Schweinsteiger?

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By Ollie Irish

This little piggy went to Old Trafford?

You might argue that Fergie bought the wrong industrious midfielder from Bayern Munich when he signed Owen Hargeaves in 2007. Wearing hindsight goggles, the player United should have signed back then was Sebastian Schweinsteiger, who has since developed into one of the most dynamic midfielders in the world.

Tony Pulis Bakes A Cinnamon Cake – Ian Holloway Strikes Again!

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By Ollie Irish

Ian Holloway on Stoke City gaffer Tony Pulis and Rory Delap's long throw (it's Stoke vs Blackpool today):

"In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right.

"One little bit of ingredient that Tony uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory's throw.

Pies Classics: Ball Boy Scores ‘Goal’ … And The Referee Gives It!

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By Ollie Irish

This shocker happened in a match between Santacruzense and Atletico Sorocaba in Brazil's FPF Cup, in 2006. With one minute to go, a Santacruzense player shot wide. A cheeky ball boy then rolled the ball over the goalline. The referee, Silvia Regina de Oliveira (yes, a lady in black), awarded a goal and Santacruzense ended up with a 1-1 draw.

Guess The Football WAG’s Arse!

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By WAG Watcher

Sexist new quiz ahoy!

Whose beach booty?

Last week's arse

...

It's Melanie Slade, WAG of Arsenal's Theo Walcott. No one got that. Pies 1-0 You.

‘Arsenal Is A Training Centre’ – Patrice Evra Mocks Gunners’ Title Bid

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United football man Patrice Evra has laid in to Arsenal ahead of the two club's table-topping Premier League encounter on Monday night, jibing that the Gunners' ongoing barren streak has rendered the club nothing more than a 'training centre'.

Pies Prediction League: Week 16

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By Ollie Irish

"To be honest Manish, I don't know what the hell is going on."

The table:

1. Davey Chicago – 128
2. WHO ATE ALL THE PIES – 119
3.= LAWRO – 117
3.= Ping Yang – 117
5. Mizman – 107
6.

Barcelona Sign €150m Shirt Sponsorship Deal With Qatar Foundation – Noooooo!

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By Ollie Irish

Barcelona's famous shirt, sans sponsor's logo until now

Barcelona have signed the most lucrative shirt sponsorship deal in football history, with the Qatar Foundation (a non-profiit organisation founded by the Emir of Qatar in 1995).

Stop Calling Wenger A Paedo – Fergie Urges Man Utd Fans To End Vile Chant … Again

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By Ollie Irish

Arsene Wenger: a big fan of the invisible chair

In November 2009 we published a post about how Man Utd had urged its own fans to stop with the "Sit down you paedophile" chant, aimed at Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger.

More than one year on, it's the same old story, as Fergie personally calls for an end to the chant.

‘Doubtful’ Man Utd Trio All Passed Fit For Arsenal Clash

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By Chris Wright

Despite being told earlier in the week that all three players were all 'highly doubful' to be fit in time, Manchester United have today confirmed that Rio Ferdinand, Paul Scholes and Patrice Evra have all been passed fit to play against Arsenal on Monday evening.

Spot The Baller: Katy Perry

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By Ollie Irish

Who the hell is that scything down C-Ron? The clues are there.

Previous answer: Twas oft-forgotten Chelsea striker Chris Sutton disguised as Sepp Blatter. For once, no one got it right. I win! The proof:

Shit Lookalikes: Alex Song & Don King

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By Ollie Irish

Song is a midfield general.

King is a boxing promoter.

Spotter's badge: Gaz

More Shit Lookalikes on Pies

Fabio Capello Backs English Pair To Succeed Him

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By Chris Wright

Speaking at the launch of the FA's new 'Grassroots' coaching bible last night, England manager Fabio Capello when pressed for the names of the English managers he thought could step into his wake come 2012 blurted out those of Tottenham boss Henry James Redknapp and 'Big' Samuel Allardyce of Blackburn Rovers.

Football GIF: Jose Mourinho & Marco Materazzi Share Big Man Love

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By Ollie Irish

Jose quits Inter, the Matrix can't go on. It's powerful stuff.

Suck it up boys.

Manuel Almunia Edging Closer To Arsenal Exit

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By Chris Wright

Just a quickie to confirm that the slightly spurious gossip we brought you last week may have had a nugget of truth to it after all.

The agent of out-of-favour Arsenal 'keeper Manuel Almunia has confirmed that he and his client are busy engineering a return to Spain, with Atletico Madrid and Osasuna both thought to be vying for the 31-year-old's services:

Joseba Diaz told the Daily Mirror:

"We have not finished negotiations, but it is clear that Manuel wants to return to Spain.

The Football Snapshot: Alan Pardew Takes Charge At Newcastle United

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By Ollie Irish

Pardew + Northern Rock = the dream ticket.

Alan Pardew Fluffs Chris Hughton's Name At Newcastle Unveiling (Video)

Mike Ashley Is A Fat Clown

Emmanuel Eboue Is Flexible (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

As well as being more flexible than a yoga teacher, Eboue can also understand tactics in Korean...

What a guy.

Real Madrid Ready To Prise Asamoah Gyan From Sunderland

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By Chris Wright

Both The Sun and The Daily Mail are suggesting this morning that big bad bullies Real Madrid are in the hunt for a new striker and that the new striker in question is none other than Sunderland's all-singing, all-dancing hotshot Asamoah Gyan who only moved to the Stadium of Light for a club record fee of £13 million just four short months ago.

West Ham Want £5m Joey Barton To Save Their Season

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By Chris Wright

Dubious stuff in the Mirror this morning, with reports that West Ham are considering a £5 million January bid for Newcastle ne'er-do-well Joey Barton, who is apparently ready to leave the club at the first opportunity in protest over the way that the ownership mistreated his 'mentor' and only friend in the world, Chris Hughton.

‘They’re For Powder Puffs’ – Has Fergie Banned The Snood?

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By Chris Wright

Sir Alex: Not a snood fan, though cheeky red beanies are passable

We never shirk the big issues here on Pies, and this is one of the biggest issues to have not been shirked so to speak.

Word is reaching us that Manchester United players have been banned from wearing snoods, with The Sun claiming that manager Sir Alex Ferguson supposedly yelled during training:

"They're for powder puffs.

Coleen Rooney & Other Northern WAGs Attend Some Christmas Party In Liverpool (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Wazza's WAG was the star turn at the Cricket boutique Christmas party. Alex Curran (Stevie G) also turned up, and some other, lesser WAGs too...

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Alex Curran, WAG of Stevie G

Danish Referee Blasts Cristiano Ronaldo’s ‘Theatrics’

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By Ollie Irish

Ronaldo: a weasel

Top referee Claus Bo Larsen has hit out at Cristiano Ronaldo's "theatrics".

The Danish ref, 45, who took charge of his final Champions League game on Wednesday (Milan vs Ajax), claims officials are more than aware of Ronaldo's weasel ways.

New Umbro Peru Shirts Are Sweeeeeet (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

The new Umbro Peru home shirt, complete with traditional red sash:

Now that's a classic football shirt. Lovely stuff.

And the red away kit, which is VERY red indeed:

That is also a classic football shirt.

Alan Pardew Fluffs Chris Hughton’s Name At Newcastle Unveiling (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Saying his appointment at Newcastle today was/still is utterly underwhelming in the truest sense, it's all been a bit Alan Pardew-heavy today though it doesn't really help when he insists on making bungling gaffs like this...

(Spotter's Badge: Pies' good pals over at Off The Post.

The Who Ate All The Pies Free iPhone App (And Android/iPad too) Goes Live!

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By Ash Norris

A blurry pic of our new, free (FREE!) iPhone/Android/iPad app. We have since sacked our photographer

Here at Pies Towers we like to make things easy for you. Fom today, we are offering a very simple way for iPhone/Android/iPad owners to consume Pies' meaty chunks.

The Football Snapshot: FC United 0-4 Brighton, FA Cup Replay

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By Ollie Irish

An FC United fan lets off a flare at Gigg Lane

Gus Poyet's Albion sauntered to an easy win against FC United at Gigg Lane last night. So FC United vs Man Utd is off the menu, and I'm delighted, as the media shitstorm – the unalloyed romance of the FA Cup, glorious giant-killers, screw the Glazers, real fans etc.

Mick McCarthy Sees Dead People (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Probably my favourite 'Mick McCarthy sees ghosts' moment of all time:

Poor old Mick needs a holiday.

Football GIF: Paul Ince Is A Tactical Genius

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By Ollie Irish

Oh Guvnor...

...

...

Retro Football: Ince In A Jacuzzi

Shit Kits: Southend United 1996-98 – The Bart Simpson ‘Custard Splat’

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By James Welham

I remember approaching the 1996-97 season with a degree of optimism. Despite a poor finish to the previous Division One campaign, Southend United had been in the running for promotion right up to Easter and, with former Liverpool and Ireland legend Ronnie Whelan in charge, there was a feeling that we could genuinely make a tilt at the Premiership.

Retro Football: Alan Pardew Sings ‘Glad All Over’ On Live TV, 1990 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In honour of Newcastle's loooong-term commitment to the man, Pies presents Alan Pardew and the rest of the 1990 Crystal Palace squad yelling their way through Eagles staple 'Glad All Over' live on the long-since defunct Derek Jameson Show.

Top 10 Premier League Players Who Would Never Wear A Snood

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By Ollie Irish

Not all modern footballers reach for the gloves and scarves when the temperature plummets...

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Joey Barton, Newcastle United - Trains in the snow wearing shorts. A no-nonsense player with no time for fads

Top 10 Snood Wearers In The Premier League

Wonder Goal: Dorel Stoica Scores With 40-Yard Free-Kick Blast (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Impressive. Most impressive...

Anyone who has ever played football knows how difficult it is merely to pass a ball a distance of 40 yards. To twat a football as cleanly as Stoica does, and with such crushing power, requires ball-striking technique most hackers can't even begin to mimic.

David Ginola Puffs On Sneaky Cigaratte (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Someone as utterly French as Ginola would never get lung cancer, no matter how much he smoked. And he does like the odd crafty fag, does Daveeed. He was papped puffing away in London this week:

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Impossibly Gallic.

Gazza Dodges Prison Over Drink-Driving Charge

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By Chris Wright

Former non-'walking tram smash' Paul Gascoigne has narrowly avoided doing jail time, despite being caught driving with over four-times the legal limit of alcohol in his system although you'd suspect that Gazza would still be four-times over the limit even if he managed to knock the sauce on the head for the next decade or so.

Leicester City Sensationally Failed To Lure David Beckham To The Midlands

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By Chris Wright

Leicester City manager Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed that, under pressure from his immediate superiors to pull off a 'marquee signing', he failed (albeit at the first hurdle) in a bid to bring David Beckham to the Crisp Bowl during the recent loan window.

BREAKING: Alan Pardew Confirmed As Newcastle Manager

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle United have literally just (only the headline and photos are up on their official website at the moment) confirmed the news that Alan Pardew has officially been appointed as the club's new manager, having signed a five-and-a-half year contract at St James' Park this morning.

Liverpool Linked With A Pair Of Long-Overdue Wingers

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By Chris Wright

Morning all, fancy a bit of 100% whole-grain rumour roughage to break your fast? Well step this way...

If this morning's whispers are to be believed, Liverpool will be adding at least one genuine winger to their fairly narrow ranks come January, after finding themselves linked with a cheeky £15 million bid for spindly Aston Villa ace Ashley Young and/or an £8 million move for Newcastle's hirsute wideman Jonas Gutierrez.

Arsenal Fancy Knockout Showdown With ‘Super Favourites’ Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Spot on: Robin Van Persie puts Arsenal ahead against Partizan

For an eerie twenty minutes or so, a despondent hush fell over the Emirates stadium last night, when Arsenal ahead through Robin Van Persie's ill-gotten first-half penalty were suddenly pegged back by a roundly unadventurous Partizan Belgrade side, rendering Champions League Group H open to the gods of mathematical analysis.

‘I Am Not Worried About My Position’ – Ancelotti Vows To Fight As Chelsea Falter Again

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By Chris Wright

Is Carlo Ancelotti being haunted by the ghost of sackings past?

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti insists that he is not fearing for his future at the club after seeing his side's poor run of form (one win in their last six league games) compounded by a 1-0 Champions League reverse in Marseille last night.

Cristiano Ronaldo Wants To Be Adored

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By Ollie Irish

Cristiano Ronaldo adopts a Jesus Christ Pose after scoring against Auxerre in the Chaaaaaaaaampions League on Wednesday evening. He just needs a hug, the pouting ponce.

The English Are ‘Bad Losers’ – Sepp Blatter Rubs Salt In World Cup Wounds

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By Ollie Irish

"Who is this buffoon?"

"Er, I'm the Prime Minister, Sepp."

FIFA dictator Sepp Blatter has described the English as "bad losers" over the fall-out from their failed 2018 World Cup bid.

"To be honest, I was surprised by all the English complaining after the defeat.

The Black-And-White-Years: Jimmy Greaves Feeds Cake To A Chimpanzee, 1964

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By Ollie Irish

December 1964: Jimmy Greaves attends a Christmas party in Ilford, Essex, in support of the Peoples' Dispensary For Sick Animals. Here, Jimmy feeds Linda the chimpanzee (in de rigeur cowgirl fancy dress) with a fat slice of Christmas cake. That's the mark of the man.

Retro Football: John Hartson Kicks Eyal Berkovic In The Head In Training, 1998 (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Ah, the lovable Welsh nutter. He kicked an Israeli then he kicked cancer.

And here's Hartson's take on the incident, which he does regret:

"We were beaten 2-0 by Northampton in our last League Cup game. [Former West Ham boss] Harry Redknapp asks what went wrong.

Hillsborough Shame Goalkeeper Finally Leaves Liverpool

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By Ollie Irish

Bad taste bear: Charlie Itandje

"Liverpool FC has released Charles Itandje from his contract and the goalkeeper has signed a two and half year contract with Greek Super League club Atromitos.

"He will officially join the Athens-based club on January 1, 2011.

FC Twente 3-3 Tottenham, Champions League – The Spurs Go Marching On, DVD Coming Soon

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By Ollie Irish

That's entertainment...

In which Spurs became the first ever club to score two or more goals in each of their Champions League group matches. This was a triffic match (albeit with a clown for a ref) – so much more entertaining than events at Old Trafford (from the 'highlights' I saw of United vs Valencia anyway).

Steven Pienaar Committed To Everton, But ‘Undecided’ Over Future

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By Chris Wright

The agent of Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar has been as scantily non-committal as is humanly possibly in his attempts to suggest that his client is not considering moving on when his deal at Goodison expires in the summer.

Plymouth Argyle Crisis – Winding-Up Order Adjourned Until February 2011

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By Ollie Irish

Hard times at Home Park, and I'm not just talking about having to endure Peter Reid as a manager – as a Plymothian (albeit a Plymothian with a love for Tottenham Hotspur in his heart, and a mere fondness for the Pilgrims) it really pains me to say that.

Top 10 Snood Wearers In The Premier League

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By Ollie Irish

Cold-necked pussies, one and all. Like Keano said, man the f**k up. It'll be bobble hats next. Tssk.

WARNING: Post may contain high percentage of Man City players.

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Yaya Toure, Manchester City - What a mighty snood!

‘Nice Guys Don’t Win’ – Freddie Shepherd Backs Call To Sack Hughton

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By Chris Wright

Former Newcastle owner and career gobshite Freddy Shepherd has backed Mike Ashley's callous decision to sack Chris Hughton on Monday, claiming that he saw the dismissal coming from a mile off and that he'd have taken the exact same action were he still in charge at St James' Park.

My Favourite Kit: Celtic 1987-89

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By Tony Cottam

The first time you go to watch football live, it makes an indelible impression on your mind; the size of the ground, the noise of the crowd, the smell of the pies... well, maybe not the smell of the pies. The thing that grabbed me most? It was the sparkling kits.

Game Review: PES 2011 – Good Enough To Dethrone FIFA?

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By Joell Mayoh

To win hearts, minds and market share, PES 2011 has to beat FIFA's exemplar gameplay, licenses, commentary and online performance. Not an easy task.

In terms of gameplay, Konami has quite obviously adopted an ‘if-you-can't-beat-‘em-join-‘em' attitude for this season's PES.

Freddie Ljungberg Has ‘English Options’

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By Chris Wright

Former Arsenal popper-upperer extraordinaire Freddie Ljungberg has revealed that he has been approached by several English clubs about returning to these shores when his contract with MLS side Chicago Fire expires in January.

Ladyboy Guti Arrested For Drink-Driving, Attacks Cameraman (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Guti was arrested for drink-driving in the wee hours of Monday morning. The former Real Madrid substitute, now playing for Besiktas in Turkey, was charged with driving his Range Rover under the influence of alcohol after he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a bus – crashing into a bus is a lot better than crashing into a pram.

Newcastle United, FFFFUUUUUUUUUU…

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By Ollie Irish

Hogwash Ahoy! Ronaldinho In Talks With Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

Sifting through the morning's batch of transfer gossip on a daily basis leaves you dangerously exposed to some of the most frightful guff, but a doff of the proverbial cap must go to Daily Star today, who have managed to scale new heights ('heights' is definitely not the right word) of rumour-mongering by pulling an absolute belter out of the clear blue ether.

Real Madrid To Nab Liverpool Target And Spark Transfer Merry-Go-Round

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By Chris Wright

According to several Spanish sources, Real Madrid have moved ahead of Liverpool in the race to sign Rennes' £13 million-rated scrapper Yann M'Vila in the summer with the move rumoured to be primed to set off a eight-club 'transfer chain reaction' should it go through.

Wolves Want To Bring Robbie Keane ‘Back Home’ In January

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By Chris Wright

The Daily Mirror are seemingly certain that striker Robbie Keane is to make a 'sensational homecoming' in the January transfer window, by re-joining Wolves from Tottenham in a £6 million deal.

Keane has been told, in no uncertain terms, that he is free to leave White Hart Lane in the New Year and, according to the Mirror, Wolves boss Mick McCarthy is hoping to persuade Keane to move back to Molineux by playing on the Irishman's 'soft spot' for his first professional club.

‘Desperate’ Alan Pardew Favourite For Newcastle Job

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By Chris Wright

Word emanating from Fleet Street this morning is that Martin Jol has rescinded his interest in the vacant managerial post at Newcastle after being offered a results-based incremental contract by owner Mike Ashley and told that he won't have so much as a shilling to spend for the foreseeable future.

‘I’ve Had Nothing But Trouble There’ – Nicolas Anelka On Racism In France

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea striker Nicolas Anelka has played a big, bad 'R' card in defense of his actions at the World Cup, claiming that the majority of the French population have been far too willing to revert to racism in attempting to weed out the culprits for Les Bleus' capitulation in South Africa this summer:

"People said there was a clan of black players in the French squad at the World Cup and we then saw the true face of France.

The BIG Football Question: Will Gerard Houllier Drag Aston Villa Down?

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By Ollie Irish

Confident, much?

Gerard Houllier, a man of near-pensionable age whose default mood is 'dejected', is leading Aston Villa into a dark place called the relegation zone. Villa haven't won a game in a month, and that was a last-minute win at home against Blackpool (on Nov 1o) – it's hardly the form of a club with European football on its mind; right now, as Houllier admitted after last night's abject 3-0 loss at Anfield this week, survival is Villa's only priority.

Arsenal Stars & Their WAGs Look Sharp At Charity Ball (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Arsenal's stars and their WAGs got all dressed up for an SOS charity ball at Claridges this week. Pies was there, hiding behind a hedge...

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Cesc Fabregas and girlfriend Carla Garcia

Retro Football: Ben Thatcher Elbows Pedro Mendes In The Head, 2006 (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

One of the most disgusting – and upsetting – acts I've ever seen on a football pitch in Britain:

Of course, to call this a horror 'tackle' is grossly unfair on horror tacklers everywhere. This was a flat-out assault: deliberate, brutal and criminal.

Liverpool 3-0 Aston Villa – Babel & Ngog Enjoy Spotlight At Anfield (Video)

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By Ollie Irish


Improving Liverpool move up to eighth in the table, and the way the big boys are dropping points this season, it's not fantastical to suggest Roy's Reds might yet break into the top four at some stage.

Barcelona Stars Take Public Transport On Frantic Trip To Osasuna (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Barcelona were forced to make a four-hour dash to Pamplona to fulfil their Liga fixture at Osasuna on Saturday evening. Barca officials were convinced the game would be called off because of the air traffic controllers' strike in Spain, but the Spanish Football Federation told Barca – at the eleventh hour – that they would forfeit the points if they failed to turn up.

Clint Dempsey Set For £10m Liverpool Move?

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By Ollie Irish

Fulham's Clint Dempsey adopts the default 'Liverpool Forward Position'

Word on Rumour Street is that Deuce Dempsey is on his way to Anfield, in a deal worth £10m to Fulham. Now this could be another example of basic tabloid transfer maths, but it wouldn't be the first time Roy Hodgson has raided his former club, and I imagine the versatile American has been on Woy's crumpled shopping list ever since he took the manager's job at LFC.

In Another Life: Gazza Would Be Newcastle United’s Saviour

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By Ollie Irish

"I've brought ma fishing rod, some processed chicken and a sickly sausage roll, like... do I get the job?"

Where Newcastle United and Fat Clown Mike Ashley are concerned, literally nothing would surprise me anymore – not even a Gazza/Jimmy Five Bellies coaching dream team.

Obi Wan To Roy Hodgson – These Aren’t The Players You’re Looking For

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By Ollie Irish

As Yoda once said, "a true Jedi drop the F-bomb would not."

Apart from that, it's bang-on.

Everton’s Cream Third Kit Is Classy (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Everton wore their new(ish) cream third kit for the first time this season, against Chelsea on Saturday. Not sure why it's taken quite so long for the Toffees to wear it in a league game, but it seems the club is keen for Everton fans who already own the blue home shirt and the shocking pink away shirt to add this kit to their collection.

Arsenal To Make Samir Nasri One Of Their Top Earners

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By Chris Wright

Samir Nasri: A 'special' player

Just a quickie to let y'all know that, according to the Guardian, Arsenal are preparing to move their l'il midfield lesbian Samir Nasri into the same pay-bracket as Robin Van Persie, Andrei Arshavin and captain Cesc Fabregas by offering the in-form Frenchman a new £80,000-a-week contract.

Stoke ‘Will Not Contemplate Selling’ Ryan Shawcross To Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

Stoke City manager Tony Pulis has warned the likes of Manchester United, Liverpool and Juventus that his direct superiors have no intention of allowing centre-back Ryan Shawcross to leave the club in January.

The Football Snapshot: Man Utd Train For Valencia Clash, Michael Owen Takes Part

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By Ollie Irish

Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov (centre) plays keepy-up during an open training session at the club's Carrington training complex, ahead of United's Champions League final group tie against Valencia. Fergie's team needs one point to top Group C and avoid some of the bigger boys in the first knockout stage.

‘I’m Happy Here, I Really Am’ – Carlos Tevez Plays Down Rift

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By Chris Wright

"Wait, don't go! I...I need you"

After reacting brattishly to being substituted in the final minute against Bolton at the weekend, Manchester City have moved quickly to produce a lengthy 'all is well' interview with striker Carlos Tevez (via their self-serving, in-house media company) in a bid to play down rumours of a growing rift between the bolshy Argentinian and his manager Roberto Mancini.

Martin Jol Leaves Ajax, Certain To Join Newcastle

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By Chris Wright

Just before close of play last night, Ajax issued a statement confirming that they and coach Martin Jol had parted company 'by mutual consent'.

Jol (who only joined the club last May) then issuing the following personal statement via ajax.

Man Utd Plan Three-Pronged Raid On Shakhtar’s Brazilians

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By Chris Wright

Millions of Brazilians

Rumours abound this morning that Manchester United are preparing a combined £35 million package deal with which they hope to cajole Shakhtar Donetsk into parting with three of their (many) highly-rated Brazilian tyros namely Messrs.

Manchester United Were Target For $1bn Burma Junta Takeover – WikiLeaks

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By Ollie Irish

Incredibly, Manchester United were a target for a takeover by the leader of Burma's military junta, according to one of the many secret documents leaked by Julian Assange's notorious website WikiLeaks (currently offline).

A cable sent from the US embassy in Rangoon to Washington revealed that military commander-in-chief Than Shwe (pictured) was advised by his grandson before January 2009 to consider the possibility of buying United.

‘It’s The Way You Look’ – Bournemouth Players In Pizza Hut Racism Row

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By Ollie Irish

Bournemouth players Anton Robinson (left) and Marvin Bartley were caught up in Pizza Hut race row

A small group of Bournemouth players – all of whom happento be black – were asked to pay for their meal before eating during a recent trip to a Pizza Hut branch in the south-coast town.

Forgotten Wonder Goals: Leeds United’s Rod Wallace Scores Goal Of The Season, 1994

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By Ollie Irish

Piercing run topped off with a cool finish by Rod Wallace. Reminds me of David Nugent's goal in the FA Cup for Preston a couple of seasons ago...

The Football Snapshot: Ipswich 1-3 Swansea – Andros Townsend Strikes, But Roy Keane On The Ropes

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By Ollie Irish

Ipswich Town's Andros Townsend celebrates scoring the opening goal against Swansea – it was his first goal for the club. That was as good as it got for Roy Keane's side, who crashed to a 3-1 defeat at home, to ensure Town's worst run of league defeats in 15 years.

Top 10 Double-Barrelled Footballers

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By Ollie Irish

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Bradley Wright-Phillips (Plymouth Argyle forward and little brother of Shaun)

The Mighty Zlatan Scores Another Ridiculously Good Goal, Milan vs Brescia (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Have you ever seen such good feet on such a big man? As he never tires of telling us, The Mighty Zlatan is a truly remarkable talent...

Piss about on the ball for a bit, then TWAT it into the net. It's a simple formula but one that has served Zlatan very well over the years.

Arsenal Pair Vermaelen And Koscielny Out Until Next Year

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal have confirmed that defender Thomas Vermaelen will remain sidelined until January at the earliest with an Achilles injury that was supposed to keep him out for a week or so back in November.

Manager Arsene Wenger told the club's official site:

"Vermaelen is in a [protective] boot.

Goal Of The Weekend: Super Samir Nasri Scores Super Winner vs Fulham (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Super...

Video via 101GreatGoals

So the best goal in the Prem this weekend was scored by the best player in the Prem this weekend. Fitting. Superb feet in the build-up, even better composure to put the ball in the net. And an honourable mention to Robin van Persie for a delightful assist.

Viral Football: Raul Meireles Plays The Cello (Photo)

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By Ollie Irish

This tickled me...

And +1 for Sammy Lee's special face.

Spotted on 4chan

Manchester City Stars Join The Spots For Fancy Dress Xmas Party (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Man City players – except spoilsport Mario Balotelli – wore fancy dress costumes for their Christmas party in Manchester last night. The theme? Spots. No idea why. It's difficult to say which City star looks like the biggest twat here – Joe Hart does wear it well, but Gareth Barry is very "gay Luigi".

Newcastle United Sack Chris Hughton – Kevin Nolan ‘Gutted’

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By Ollie Irish

Chris Hughton: a good man treated badly

Newcastle United have "parted company" (translation: sacked) with manager Chris Hughton following Sunday's 3-1 defeat by West Brom.

"Newcastle United Football Club have today parted company with manager Chris Hughton.

Manuel Almunia Told He Can Leave Arsenal In January

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By Chris Wright

Bit of an iffy source on this one, but word on Pies Street is that Arsenal have taken goalkeeper Manuel Almunia to one side and told him that he will be free to leave the club in the January transfer window.

Almunia's current deal expires in the summer of 2012, but Arsenal are reportedly willing to offload the 33-year-old for a bit of cash (approx £1-1.

Mike Ashley Is A Fat Clown

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By Ollie Irish

Hughton, we have a problem...

...

That is all.

Robbie Keane Can Leave Tottenham In January, For Highest Bidder – Harry Redknapp

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By Ollie Irish

Robbie Keane: A peripheral figure at Spurs

Harry Redknapp has given the green light for Robbie Keane to leave Tottenham next month. Keane has fallen out of favour at Spurs – he isn't even guaranteed a place on the bench these days – and naturally he wants to move to a club that can give him more playing time.

The Football Snapshot: Ronaldo Hacks Down Puyol, El Clasico

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By Ollie Irish

El Clasico keeps on giving...

Loving Puyol's face here. Very "Ooh Mavis, I don't really know." And it appears Ronaldo is playing himself at rock-paper-scissors. As you do.

Barcelona 5-0 Real Madrid – A Brilliant Video Souvenir

Peerless Barcelona Eviscerate Real Madrid 5-0 In One-Sided Clasico (Video)

Mario Balotelli And Jerome Boatengs Come To Blows During Man City Training

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By Chris Wright

"Shoryuken!"

According to the Manchester Evening News, the charming man-cub that lycanthropic coach Roberto Mancini found abandoned in a woodland clearing and raised himself, Mario Balotelli, had to be forcibly separated from Manchester City teammate Jerome Boateng when the two began scrapping during a training session yesterday.

The Football WAG Index No.37: Klara Medkova (WAG Of Radoslav Kovac)

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By WAG Watcher

Czech model Klara Medkova goes out with rubbish West Ham midfielder Radoslav Kovac. She looks like this:

Well played, Mr Kovac. And it's not very often anyone says that.

‘There Is Nothing With Another Club’ – Barca Coach Pep Guardiola Is Going Nowhere

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By Chris Wright


Salt and indeed pepper

The agent of Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola has rubbished rumours that his client is being courted by most of European football's biggest fish, claiming that no contact has been made with any club be it Inter Milan, Chelsea or Manchester United.

Retro Spot The Baller: Sepp Blatter

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By Ollie Irish

And the fun keeps on coming...

This week's Spot the Baller goes way back in time, to the 20th century no less! Using your footy detective skills, can you identify the Chelsea player who is hiding behind the grisly visage of Uncle Sepp Blatter?

Why England Lost The 2018 World Cup Bid (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

BBC Comedy's take on yet another painful defeat for English football (may contain national stereotypes):

We particularly like the branding of Netherlands/Belgium as the 'Bellands'. That should catch on.

Caption Competition (WIN A Beanie Hat!) – Roman Abramovich Is Having A Laugh

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By Ollie Irish

Surely this pic of Roman Abramovich and the Russian World Cup mob bid team (enjoying a Vladimir Putin speech in the wake of winning the 2018 World Cup bid) deserves a bitingly satirical caption? Away you go...

Writers of the best three captions will each win a new Underarmour Arctic microfleece beanie hat, like this (in black):

Perfect for keeping your head warm.

Pies Classics: That Boris Johnson ‘Rugby’ Tackle vs Germany’s Legends

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By Ollie Irish

He may be a posh buffoon, but he's our posh buffoon. In my dreams, I like to imagine Boris the Bull making this tackle on Sepp Blatter or Jack Warner. Or any FIFA bigwig will do. Or John Terry. Or Ricky Ponting.

Poor Maurizio Gaudino, I bet this still haunts him.

Barcelona 5-0 Real Madrid – A Brilliant Video Souvenir

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By Ollie Irish

Here's a brilliantly edited HD video of last Monday's Clasico, when Barcelona demolished rivals Real Madrid with football from another planet (Planet Football?). Enjoy...

Something for Barca fans to watch again and again.

Pies Prediction League: Week 15

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By Ollie Irish

As we head into winter, here's how the table looks after 14 fun-packed weeks:

1. Davey Chicago – 117
2. Ping Yang – 112
3. WHO ATE ALL THE PIES – 111
4. LAWRO – 110
5. Mizman – 98
6. South City – 94
7.

Guess The Football WAG’s Arse!

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By WAG Watcher

Sexist new quiz alert!

Which football WAG's beach bum?

Last week's arse

Yes, it was Danielle Lloyd, WAG of Jamie O'Hara. The cunning readers took advantage of us leaving a photo file tagged 'Danielle Lloyd' in the post.

Flasher Interrupts Norwegian Football TV Interview (NSFW Video)

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By Ollie Irish

It takes a brave man to unleash his Johnson when it's that cold. Or a very drunk man.

Wolfsburg Won’t Budge On Edin Dzeko Fee, Despite Real Madrid Interest

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By Chris Wright

Bring on the dancing horses

True, he's a perfectly decent forward with a fair old goal record in the German league to boot but I'm sorry, not never no how has Wolfsburg striker Edin Dzeko ever been worth €40 million.

How Will Blackburn Cope Without Pascal Chimbonda?

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By Chris Wright

Blackburn have told loyal stalwart and bona fide club legend Pascal Chimbonda that he can leave in January after deciding not to renew his contract, which expires at the end of the season.

Rover's manager Sam Allardyce told the PA:

"We are not going to renew Pascal's contract.

Aston Villa To Spluff £10m On New, Underwhelming Strike Partnership

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By Chris Wright

Golly Moses! Word on the wire is that Aston Villa are set to fluff at least £10 million in the January transfer window on bringing two vastly underwhelming strikers in to replace the vastly underwhelming duo John Carew and Emile Heskey.

‘We Were Lied To, The Two Worst Bids Won’ – England 2018 Chief Andy Anson

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By Chris Wright

The fall-out from FIFA's decision to chase the World Cup Gaz-ruble/Petro-dollar has begun in earnest this morning, with the English media reacting with a flurry of archetypal thinly-veiled racism, obnoxious pontification and weapon's grade blame dispersal.

Video: Premier League Stars (And Kevin Kilbane) React Angrily To World Cup Sell-Out

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By Chris Wright

'Tis one of them there talkSPORT spoofs. Not one of their best, but fitting none-the-less...

I'm with Olly on this one.

(Video via 101GG)

BREAKING: Qatar Will Host 2022 World Cup – Shame On FIFA

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By Ollie Irish

This.

Qatar?! It's glorious win for petro-dollars football. And for intolerance (homosexuality is illegal in Qatar, for example). Hurrah! ... Tis a joke decision, frankly, and more proof that FIFA is a repulsive organisation not so long ago, the Qatar bid was deemed "high risk".

The Football Snapshot: England Lose World Cup Bid, David Beckham Makes Sad ‘Blue Steel’ Face

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By Ollie Irish

Becks puts on a brave face after hearing that Russia, not England, will host the 2018 World Cup finals. Petro-dollars 1-0 Good hair.

BREAKING: Russia Will Host 2018 World Cup – England Lose Out Again

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By Ollie Irish

Rejoice and break out the bunting, for football is COMING HOME! Not for eight years, of course, but the long journey starts here. I am slightly excited in the nipple region – that could be just the cold weather, mind.

This really is wonderful news, not only for English football (An example: Plymouth Argyle might now stave off financial ruin with the promise of a new World Cup stadium) but for England as a whole.

Jack Wilshere Makes Charity Playlist – He Likes Michael Jackson

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By Ollie Irish

As part of Arsenal's admirable partnership with youth homelessness charity Centrepoint, some of the Gunners' players have put together exclusive playlists for fairsharemusic.com. The first playlist released was put together by twinkle-toed midfielder Jack Wilshere.

Mark Schwarzer Set For New Fulham Deal

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By Chris Wright

Veteran 'keeper Mark Schwarzer is within hours of signing a new deal with Fulham, according to manager Mark Hughes.

Schwarzer flirted with a move to Arsenal all summer long, reportedly getting as far as failing a medical at one point, but Hughes seems to think that the 38-year-old stopper will sign an extension to his contract with the Cottagers later today:

"He was obviously very flattered by the interest (from Arsenal), but we're delighted that he's decided to stay here and we can move forward now.

Lech Poznan vs Juventus – Snow Joke As Juve Crash Out Of Europa League

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By Ollie Irish

Now orange-ball conditions like this are snood-worthy. Lech drew 1-1 with Juve at home yesterday, a result that means Lech advance to the last 32 of the Europa League, while the Old Lady crashes out.

17 Brilliant Photos Of Football In The Snow

Shit Football Kits: Birmingham City 1992-93

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By Ollie Irish

A very bad Influence... Airport departure lounge carpet, anyone?

The keeper's kit was just as bad. Take it away, Sir Les Sealey:

Horrific.

Bonus points for anyone who can identify the outfield players pictured above.

‘Joe Cole Isn’t Naturally Confident’ – Roy Hodgson Explains The Lull

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By Chris Wright

After five weeks on the sidelines, Liverpool are ready to welcome Joe Cole back to the first-string for their Europa League tie with Steaua Bucharest tonight though, having contributed the sum total of sweet Fanny Adams to the Anfield cause since joining in the summer, it's fairly hard to imagine that anyone will be overly excited by the winger's return.

Man City Winger Adam Johnson Scores Brilliant Solo Goal, vs Red Bull Salzburg (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Man City beat Red Bull Salzburg easily at Eastlands last night. The match was lit up by this superb goal from tricksy winger Adam Johnson:

Sweet goal by one of the few English players with the self-confidence and skill to beat a man. Oh, and Mario Balotelli scored twice, which has to be a good thing if it stops the Italian bitching for a week or two.

Denilson Claims Arsenal Quadruple – Clairvoyant Genius Or Idiot?

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By Chris Wright

Exhibit A: Attempted head-first sliding tackle. NOT the work of a brilliant mind.

Drink in these quotes from Arsenal non-entity Denilson, drink them deep, then savour them like a beautiful milkshake:

"I think we can win the Carling Cup this season, and I want to win it this season because for five or six years we haven't won any trophies, but now we are a little bit stronger than last season.

Stoke Snap Up Swedish Academy Starlet

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By Chris Wright

Hey you! Yeah you! Do you like news snippets about players that you're most likely never going to hear about ever again? You do? Well try this on for size!

Stoke City manager Tony Pulis has announced that the club are within a hair's breadth of tying up a deal for 16-year-old Swedish prodigy Smajl Suljevic, who is now set to move to the Britannia from Dalkurd in January following the completion of a highly successful trial.

World Cup 2018 Bid Presentations Rated – England Wins This Round

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By Ollie Irish

This morning the bid teams from England, Russia, Spain/Portugal and Netherlands/Belgium presented their cases for hosting the World Cup in 2018. Cue cheesy videos set to Eurotrance, lots of talk of "our children's legacy", the odd teary eye and – the most horrific sight of all – intelligent men and women kissing the wrinkled arse of one of the very worst people in sport, aka Uncle Sepp Blatter.

Roy Keane Bemoans ‘Soft’ Footballers Who Wear Snoods & Gloves

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By Ollie Irish

Roy Keane: not a tolerant man

You won't be surprised to know that Roy Keane can't stomach footballers who wear snoods, gloves and tights:

"Don't get me started. I don't know how they do it. It's very strange. Gloves, scarves, I think somebody came on a few weeks ago for [Manchester] City who had a hat on.

Ipswich Town 1-0 West Brom – Roy Keane’s Side Earn Carling Cup Semi vs Arsenal

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By Ollie Irish

Ipswich reached the last four of the Carling Cup with a 1-0 defeat of Prem opponents West Brom at Portman Road. What has happened to the Baggies after all that early-season promise? They had a real chance of winning this pot too.

Grant Leadbitter scored the only goal, from the penalty spot, after Graham Dorrans brought down Carlos Edwards in the box.

FA To Probe Crowd Trouble After Intense Birmingham Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Last night's Carling Cup tie between second city rivals Birmingham and Aston Villa was always going to be a tasty affair hence the considerable hoik in police presence and, during the game, the two sets of supporters provided a magnificent bristling alchemy of noise that married perfectly with the exciting, fractious football on display.

Emmanuel Adebayor Ready To Force Tottenham Move

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By Chris Wright

No doubt thanks to this infernal snow, transfer gossip is a little thin on the ground this morning so hearty thanks must go out to the Daily Mirror and their bumper seven-pronged doozy of a rumour.

After 17 months of unswerving loyalty, the Mirror are claiming that nigh-on-unlovable Manchester City striker Emmanuel Adebayor is ready to 'dig in his heels' and force a January loan move to Tottenham.

Man City Set Sights On £12m Sporting Lisbon Captain

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By Chris Wright

What with Manchester City currently being sh*tted up with over-paid, under-played footballers of every conceivable ilk, it's fairly understandable that most of the recent City-related transfer gubbins is in reference to an imminent exodus or clear-out of some kind.

Retro Football: Oliver Neuville Almost Scores Wonder Free-Kick In 2002 World Cup Final (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

This isn't the fox-in-the-box Neuville I remember. Brilliant effort though. A brilliant fingertip save too, by Marcos (I'm pretty sure it's Marcos... yeah, I've checked – it's Marcos).

And with the score at 0-0 when Neuville's thunderbolt struck the post, it was not only a brilliant save but a crucial one.

The Football Snapshot: Arsenal 2-0 Wigan, Carling Cup – Bendtner FTW (Photos)

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By Ollie Irish

Theo Walcott appeals for handball

An all-too-easy win for Arsenal against a Wigan side who offered very little. An own goal by Latics defender Antolin Alcaraz (42nd minute) followed by a Nicklas Bendtner strike from close range (67th minute) did the damage for the Gunners.

10 Brilliant Photos Of Young Gary Lineker

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By Ollie Irish

It was Gary Lineker's 50th birthday this week. Well played, Mr Crisps. To honour the man who stands as one of England's greatest goalscorers (48 goals for his country), we present this triffic gallery of young Master Lineker in his poo poo pants:

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July 1979: Early in Lineker's professional playing career, posing for a pre-season photo at Leicester City.

Giovanni Trapattoni Accepts €100k Pay Cut To Ease Irish FA Woes

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By Chris Wright

To put it in technical economic terms, Ireland is in a bit of a hole at the moment and the Irish FA (FAI) are far from immune being, as they are, in the red to the tune of somewhere around €50 million.

In a bid to ease the FAI's monetary woes, Ireland coach Giovanni Trapattoni has agreed to take a recession busting pay-cut of 'in excess of 5%', which is due to come into effect immediately.

Nicky Butt Scores Free-Kick, Fluffs Penalty On South China Debut (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite looking a little bit pap for the majority of the game, famously goal-shy midfielder Nicky Butt (we're talking 29 goals during a professional career that began way back in the primordial mists of 1992) netted directly from a free-kick on his debut for Hong Kong outfit South China against HKFA league rivals TSW Pegasus.

John O’Shea Breaks Record For Least Accurate Shot In Football History, vs West Ham (Video)

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By Ollie Irish

Summing up Man Utd's night in east London rather well...

Misdirected by around 90 degrees. He's on 80 grand a week, that lad. Cash well spent, clearly.

Triffic win for the Irons in the snow, even if it was only the League Cup. Old Avram does seem to have a magic touch in the cups.

The 10 Greatest Premier League Goals of the Decade No.1: Dennis Bergkamp, Newcastle v Arsenal, 2002

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By Ollie Irish

The greatest Premier League goal of the decade? Away you go...

Dennis Bergkamp is congratulated by Arsenal team-mates Robert Pires and Sylvain Wiltord after scoring a wonder goal against Newcastle at St James' Park. This wonder goal.

Football GIF: The Sniper

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By Ollie Irish

Well played, GIF-maker.

More GIFS on Pies

Chelsea And Ray Wilkins Reach ‘Amicable’ Resolution

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By Chris Wright

Both Chelsea and their recently deposed assistant head of technical football assistance Ray Wilkins have reached what both parties are calling an 'amicable resolution' regarding the latter's mysterious sacking a fortnight or so ago.

Football Is Coming Home – Why England Will Win The 2018 World Cup Bid

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By Ollie Irish

England 2018 Bid Vice President David Beckham during a press conference in Zurich, Switzerland

I find it rather unfair on Becks that he is wheeled out pretty much every time Britain desperately needs to prove that there is still some semblence of 'Great' in it.

‘I Didn’t Expect That’ – Sir Alex Shocked By Carling Cup Rout

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United manager (and he of the charming red beanie) Sir Alex Ferguson has admitted to being taken aback by the manner in which his side were soundly whipped by West Ham in the Carling Cup at a snow-bound Upton Park last night surrendering their unbeaten start to the season and their 29-game unbeaten run in the process.

Agents Paid A Whopping £67m By Premier League Clubs

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By Chris Wright

Good grief!

Premier League figures released last night show that, between the 20 top-flight clubs, £67.1 million was paid to middle-men and agents between October 2009 and September 2010 with Chelsea and Liverpool topping the individual list (£9.

David Beckham Rules Out Everton Loan, Landon Donovan Still Keen

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By Chris Wright

Despite swirling speculation to the contrary, LA Galaxy star and bid-backer par excellence David Beckham has ruled out a loan move to Everton in January saying that a move to Merseyside would be 'too close to home', what with him being a staunch Manchester United fan 'n all.

Liverpool Eye Up £10m Replacement For Crock Carragher

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By Chris Wright

'Twas fairly inevitable that, after losing defensive mainstay Jamie Carragher for three months yesterday, Liverpool would find themselves linked with replacement centre-backs hither and thither until January and the Daily Star, perpetual front-runners in their field, have been first off the mark.

Sevilla After Man Utd’s Human Dynamo Ji-Sung Park

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By Chris Wright

There's an awful lot of 'resolve testing' going on in today's gossip columns, a good example being the Daily Mirror's yarn in which protagonists Sevilla are apparently ready to indulge in a bout of 'transfer chicken' with Manchester United in a bid to test the Premier League leader's will to hold on to their South Korean running man Ji-Sung Park.

17 Brilliant Photos Of Football In The Snow

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By Ollie Irish

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February 1958: Groundsman Fred Eckersley clears snow around the goalmouth at Burnden Park, where Bolton were due to meet Wolves in the sixth round of the FA Cup.

The Great Naked Football WAG Gallery

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By WAG Watcher

A welcome reheat for one of our most popular galleries EVER. Wonder why? Now with added Larissa Riquelme. Yay! Happy holidays...

NB: Gallery features NSFW nudity, naturally...

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Aida Yespica.

Pies Classics: Top 10 Photos Of Sepp Blatter Looking Like A Dick

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By Ollie Irish

Now seems like a fine time to repost this brief but devastating photo essay:

Boof! Sweet right peg.

Tiki-taka, Sepp-style.

Sepp Delap.

Do I hear £10bn at the back?

Emperor Sepp.