Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2009

Transfer Toss: Andrey Arshavin is not going to Barcelona, Arsenal want Benzema

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Probably the most bullshit-flavoured transfer talk I've seen The Sun trot out so far this summer. Arshavin's quote -Â if he even said it - carries about as much weight as me saying "I would quite like to sleep with...

Confederations Cup highlights: USA 2-3 Brazil

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Sorry I didn't get around to writing this up sooner, but as I mentioned a couple of days ago, Pies is currently undergoing a redesign, and so our resources have been directed elsewhere. Stick with us and I promise...

Be honest, you don't want the USA to become too good at football

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I'm in two minds about the very real possibility of the US of A becoming a major force in world football in the next decade. This summer's Confed Cup has shown that America has the potential to compete with...

Video viral: Fat Ronaldo dresses up as Godzilla for Brazilian soft drink ad

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Apparently this is the only way that Fat-Ron could be persuaded by his club Corinthians to lose weight. Only joking (ahem)... this is, as the headline says, a viral ad to promote some Brazilian soft drink. Well actually, this...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Chad Marshall and John C. Reilly

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Chad Marshall is a defender for Columbus Crew. John C Reilly is a character actor -Â you might recognise him from his fine work in such movies as Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Step Brothers, The Gangs of New York, Hard Eight,...

U21 European Championship final highlights: Germany 4-0 England (depressingly predictable)

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England continued in the fine tradition of blowing it in major tournaments, by getting hammered by Germany in the U21 Euros final earlier this evening - as the headline says, it was a depressingly familiar story. To be fair...

No amount of fancy tricks can hide the horror of Puma's new Tottenham kit

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Even getting master juggler Billy Wingrove to show off Spurs' new kit is not enough to convince me that it's a smart kit. PS. Sorry for lack of posts today. Still waist-deep in Pies' new redesign....

England in major international footy final - yet who cares?

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So it is England versus our old pals Germany in the final of a major international football tournament. It really should be the only thing that anyone is talking about today. And yet the papers are dominated by Jacko, a...

England in major international footy final - but do you care?

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So it's England versus our old pals Germany in the final of a major international football tournament. It really should be the only thing that anyone is talking about today. And yet the papers are dominated by Jacko, a heatwave...

Who do you most want to win? England U21s or Andy Murray

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Be honest, you'd rather Murray won Wimbles than Psycho's lads won in Sweden tonight. It's OK, I won't tell anyone... What would you prefer: England win U21 Euros or Andy Murray wins Wimbledon?(answers)...

Confederations Cup highlights: South Africa 2-3 Spain (aet)

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I can't think of many less meaningful non-friendly internationals than the third-fourth place play-off at the Confederations Cup, but this vid is worth watching for Katlega Mphela's wonderful free-kick in stoppage time. The South African's net burster made the...

Pies 2.0, coming soon to an internet near you

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Thierry and Ron were so happy to hear about the new Pies Apologies for the relative paucity of posts in the last couple of days. Who Ate All the Pies is currently undergoing a much-needed design makeover, which will...

Doves delighted to receive free Umbro 'Blue Moon' Man City T-shirts

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Next month (17 July, to be precise), indie rockers Doves - who support Man City - will play a concert in the car park of Eastlands Stadium (it doesn't get much more rock 'n' roll than that, folks). The...

Video: Bas Savage does the moonwalk

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Yes, more tenuous Jacko v football tribute shenanigans. At least one footballer has celebrated scoring a goal by attempting the moonwalk. In Britain at least, the most famous of these is Bas Savage, who currently plays up front for...

Confederations Cup highlights: Brazil 1-0 South Africa

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Super sub Dani Alves - there aren't many other teams in world football that can afford to leave a player of his quality on the bench - silenced the hosts' vuvuzelas with a killer goal just two minutes before...

Manchester United's new home kit revealed in full. You like the chevron?

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The teaser images made it just about clear enough that Man Utd's new home kit features a big black chevron on the chest. And now the strip has officially been launched, we can see clearly that this is the...

Quote of the week: John Terry is your Dad of the Year

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"It's a great honour to be voted Dad of the Year. I have won many trophies in my career but I'm proud to say that this is up there with all of them." John Terry, who was in no way...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Group H (Ibrahimovic v Ferdinand, Henry v Maicon)

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The final group kicks off today... Zlatan Ibrahimovic v Rio Ferdinand (Group G) Extremely cocky attacker v extremely metrosexual defender. Who you got? Vote below:...

Flashback: Michael Jackson becomes honorary director of Exeter City

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Might as well get this up before the internet breaks completely -Â thanks to Gary Andrews for reminding me, via Twitter, of Jacko's most tenuous of links to British football. RIP Wacko; long live the Grecians....

Sh*t Lookalikes: Rowen Fernandez and Richard Farleigh

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Today's lookalike is a bit obscure, but you get two points for knowing that Fernandez is one of South Africa's Confed Cup goalkeepers (he plays for Arminia Bielefeld in the German Bundesliga), and that Farleigh is an entrepreneur who...

Confederations Cup highlights: Spain 0-2 USA (yes, that scoreline is right)

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Who saw this coming!? Not me. Not anyone really. And so the USA prevented the Spanish from setting a new world record of 36 matches without a defeat. Somone had to stop Del Bosque's men - I just didn't...

Spain 0-2 USA: the greatest shock in Confederations Cup history!

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Gooch Onyewu enjoys the spoils after the USA's amazing win over Spain A potted match report: USA took their chances, Gooch defended like a Minotaur (when he's on his game, he's close to unbeatable) and Spain looked absolutely knackered....

Flashback: Bristol Rovers v Aston Villa, 1974/75

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Eastville for Entertainment! Holy smokes, football has changed a lot in the last 35 years - if you showed this clip to C-Ron, he wouldn't recognise it as football. Watch out for the cheeky scamps who try to trip...

Emmanuel Adebayor, the prince of ingrates

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After spending much of last summer talking out of turn about a possible transfer to Milan, it seems Emmanuel Adebayor has learned absolutely nothing. The player's agent, Stephane Courbis, has been mouthing off again, on his client's behalf. In...

Ribery to choose Real Madrid? Translation: No one wants to play for Chelsea

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Chelsea's billionaire owner, Roman Abramovich, has just bought a £288m yacht, with built-in missile defence system. He could have got almost four Cristiano Ronaldos for that. Except... C-Ron would never have signed for Chelsea. I wouldn't be surprised if Roman...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Charlie Davies and Terrence Howard

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One is a striker for the US national team (he scored the opener against Egypt at the Confed Cup), the other is a B-list actor who starred in Crash and Iron Man. They could be brothers. Almost. Got a...

Liverpool fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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Since the season ended and the transfer silly season began, Pies has been asking club fans to vote for the last player at the club they would want to get rid of. Today it's the turn of Rafa Benitez's...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Group G (Vidic v Drogba, Rooney v Fabregas)

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The opening round of group games continues with a couple of peaches... Nemanja Vidic v Didier Drogba (Group G) They should put this match-up in a caged "Octagon". I'd pay to see that. But you're not voting on who's the...

Video: Robinho shows off skills during Brazil training session

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Impressive ball control by the seal-like Brazilian. Pointless, but impressive. [Spotted @ 101GreatGoals]...

Kaka is a Backstreet Boys fan, says Robinho

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"Kaka? Music? He will only listen to the Backstreet Boys!" Robinho provides you with your quote of the day. Looks like we've found something wrong with Mr Perfect, at last....

Barack Obama to attend 2010 World Cup opening ceremony

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West Ham's most powerful fan, Barack Obama, is set to accept an invitation to attend the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup. The President is a self-proclaimed "soccer" fan -Â he's publicly backed the States' bid to host the World...

So this is Manchester United's new home kit

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This leaked image of Man Utd's new home shirt, complete with black "V" (an integral part of Nike's new sportswear range) has been doing the internet rounds for a few weeks now. Many fans cried fake, but the release...

Is Brazil's Felipe Melo the midfield answer for Arsenal?

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Arsenal could really use Felipe Melo. The 25-year-old Brazilian had a great season with Fiorentina in 08/09, and he's playing well for his country right now at the Confederations Cup (he scored against the USA). Melo is the perfect...

Another tremendous goal celebration FAIL

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Possibly fake but the keeper's body language suggests otherwise. See also: Goal celebration diver misses the target The gayest goal celebration ever?...

Newcastle's yellow away kit for 09/10 is perfect for cowards

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I didn't think Newcastle Utd could do anything more to shore up their status as the biggest laughing stock in British football, but then I didn't count on their new away kit, which is frankly hilarious/eye-burningly vile. Two shades...

Top 10 links of the day: Cristiano Ronaldo's ex gets naked

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1. The Ex Files: Nereida Gallardo's clothes fall off again. [@ The Spoiler] 2. Kaka has a new XXX position. [@ Dirty Tackle] 3. Real Madrid have put a £170m buy-out clause in Cristiano Ronaldo's contract. [@ Mail] 4. Andrea...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Essam El-Hadary and a Chinese Fu guardian dog

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Chringle, the undisputed king of reader-nominated Shit Lookalikes, is back in town and he hasn't lost his magic touch. More Chringle classics: Peter Crouch and the Special K logo Mikel Arteta and Scott Baio Sulley Muntari and a puffer...

Liverpool fans attack three RBS branches. Calm down, calm down

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Angry Scousers attacked three RBS branches in the early hours of this morning in protest against the bank's decision to refinance the £300m+ loan taken out by the club's owners, Tom Hicks and George Gillett. The doors of Liverpool's...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Group F (Lampard, Ribery, Arshavin, Mascherano)

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After a wee break, the Best Player in the World World Cup is back. We kick off again with the opening ties in Group F. First up, an all-Prem, all-midfield tie: Chelsea's Frank Lampard takes on Liverpool's Javier Mascherano....

Transfer Toss: Ashley Young to Barcelona for £25m? No chance...

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Football scenes you won't see in 09/10, No.1532 The enforced loss of Martin Laursen was regrettable. The same goes for the departure of Gareth Barry. But the loss of Ashley Young (who you voted overwhelmingly as Villa's most indispensable...

What planet is Carlos Tevez on?

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I've said it before and I'll say it again here: Carlos Tevez is not world-class. He's a very good footballer who is more than good enough to cut it at the highest level, but he is not world-class. He...

Vinnie Jones will hunt you down like a wild animal

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Nothing burns calories like fear. [@ Funny Or Die] Vinnie is scary but does he make it into in Pies' Top 50 Scariest Footballers?...

Confederations Cup highlights: Brazil 3-0 Italy, Egypt 0-3 USA

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After two comprehensive defeats, the US needed a six-goal swing to reach the Confed semis. But, against Godzilla-sized odds and with a lot of help from Brazil, Bob Bradley's team dominated a frankly pathetic Egypt to win 3-0 (it...

Which Premier League club's assistant manager thinks his team has a better squad than Real Madrid?

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"If you look at our squad and Real Madrid's squad, even with Ronaldo and Kaka there, which one would you rather have? "I know which one I'd rather have, all day long, and that's without us even ­buying anyone new....

Foot like a traction engine: Mahmood Abdulrahman, Bahrain

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Shazam! This goal won the match for Bahrain in their recent World Cup qualifier against Uzbekistan. A strike fit to win any game, even one against Uzbekistan....

Sh*t Lookalikes: Fabio Grosso and Alex Shelley

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A thousand thanks to Mark Ashworth for emailing in this superbly shit lookalike. (For those of you over the age of 14, Alex Shelley is a professional wrestler.) Think you can do better? Email Pies with your suggestion. More...

England 2-0 Spain: super sub Theo Walcott helps England reach U21 Euro semi finals

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Against Arsene Wenger's wishes, but with the backing of Fabio Capello (no one messes with Capello), Stuart Pearce took Theo Walcott to Sweden for the U21 Euros. So you'd think Psycho would play Walcott form the start for England's...

Fulham fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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As many of you may know, since the season ended and the transfer silly season began, Pies has been asking club fans to vote for the last player at the club they would want to get rid of. Today...

Confederations Cup highlights: USA 0-3 Brazil, Egypt 1-0 Italy

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Egypt's players found the stray contact lens in no time Another terrific day in South Africa, land of the vuvuzelas (I'm learning to tune them out now). In the Group of Certain Death, an utterly abject USA (FIFA says...

Video: African kids hate Leeds scum

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I'm loving the cheerful way the kids sing it. Altogether now, "We all hate Leeds scum, we all hate Leeds scum..."...

How beautiful is Middlesbrough's new home kit for 09/10?

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Boro's new home kit was fully revealed this morning. It's billed as "the beautiful kit for the beautiful game", which is quite a line for a team in the Championship. Perhaps "the beautiful kit for the ugly game" would...

Top 10 links of the day: vuvuzela trumpets ruining the Confederations Cup

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1. Will noisy vuvuzela trumpets ruin fans' enjoyment of the 2010 World Cup? [@ BigSoccer] 2. Petr Cech and Pepe Reina are text buddies. Bless. [@ This is Anfield] 3. Socceroos' Dutch coach sings the Aussie national anthem. Badly....

Liverpool's new third shirt for 09/10 is classy and Christmassy

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FSC has this leaked photo of Liverpool's third kit for next season. We like, a lot. It's simple, and while simple doesn't always work (I still think England's new Umbro kit is too plain), this does the job nicely....

Liverpool must not let Barcelona poach Javier Mascherano

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Somebody stop this man leaving Anfield Most Liverpool fans know that Mascherano is essential to their team. The Argentine's unselfish play is not only vital in protecting Liverpool's back four, it also liberates his fellow midfielders - especially Steven...

Confederations Cup highlights: Spain 1-0 Iraq, South Africa 2-0 New Zealand

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Despite the scoreline, Spain's win against Iraq was fairly comfortable, but the European champions didn't bring their shooting boots and missed several good chances. In the other game in what I like to call "the weakest group in the...

Transfer toss: Robin van Persie is NOT going to Manchester United

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Badly Photoshopped football scenes you'll never see, No.1354 The Current Bun claims today that Arsenal's Robin van Persie is a transfer target for Manchester Utd: "Sir Alex Ferguson is aware the £20million-rated striker is yet to commit to a...

The WAG Files: Top 10 footballers who are punching above their weight

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Bastian Schweinsteiger In the real world, the uber-hot Sarah Brandtner wouldn't even look once at the German winger. But in a world where footballers attract the sort of women who would normally be way out of their league, the...

Giuseppe Rossi has a Facebook hate group

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Yesterday, Pies was the first to tell you about the Giuseppe Rossi Judas T-shirt, which is selling like hot cakes and also generating a hell of a lot of debate, especially in the States and, to a lesser extent, Italy....

Sh*t Lookalikes: Phil Brown and Hugh Laurie

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One is a maverick medical genius, the other a maverick managerial... er, well he's not a genius. A permatanned knobhead, perhaps. More Shit Lookalikes Do you have an even shitter lookalike than this? Email Pies with your suggestion(s)....

Football stuff: Giuseppe Rossi Judas T-shirt

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That didn't take long, did it? Available from Objectivo.com Top 10 footballers who revealed T-shirts with messages...

For sale: Cristiano Ronaldo's Porsche 911. One lady owner...

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Auto Trader has a world exclusive, in the shape of C-Ron's black Porsche 911 Carrera 2 Tiptronic S (catchy name). It's yours for £69,995. Bear in mind you will need to spend a few quid getting the interior cleaned...

How bad does Goal! 3 look?

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The next instalment of the dire Goal! series features shockingly bad green-screen special effects. I use the term "special effects" loosely, as you can see when you watch the trailer... it's no Escape to Victory, is it? How bad...

Premier League fixtures released for the 2009/10 season: top 10 highlights

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The fixture list for next season's Prem campaign were just released. For copyright reasons, Pies is not allowed to post them in full here (that's ridiculous, btw), but we can highlight a few key dates for your diary: 1. Manchester...

Transfer Roulette: Predict where Franck Ribery, David Villa, Carlos Tevez and co. will end up next season

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Place your bets... All bets are off on Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo, but there are still many star names whose futures remain unclear. Join Pies for a game of Transfer Roulette:...

Rio Ferdinand wears denim hot pants on holiday in Israel. My eyes are on fire

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One of my favourite Shit Lookalikes of all time, I think (to non-Scorese fans, that's Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver on the left). I mean, yikes! What the hell was Rio thinking (click on image of him to enlarge,...

Everton fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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In the last couple of weeks, Pies has been asking club fans to vote for the last player at the club they would want to get rid of. Today it's the turn of Moyesey's Everton. So, if you had...

Top 10 links of the day: Cristiano Ronaldo gets away with Ferrari crash

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo will not face any charges after writing off his Ferrari in a crash, police said today. [@ The Independent] 2. Win an all-expenses trip for two to the 'Showdown in Chinatown', a charity match between some...

Rio Ferdinand wears denim hot pants on holiday in Israel. My eyes!

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One of my favourite Shit Lookalikes of all time, I think (to non-Scorese fans, that's Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver on the left). I mean, yikes! What the hell was Rio thinking (click on image of him to enlarge,...

20/20 Visions: Alex Ferguson should have done more to keep Giuseppe Rossi

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Peering thorough my special hindsight goggles, it's easy to form this opinion. Based on his play since leaving Old Trafford in 2007, the 22-year-old Italian-American falls into the class of United departures marked, "Ones that got away." Of course,...

Fire sale! Real Madrid offers nine rejects to Premier League clubs

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Hello Premier League, remember us? Real Madrid are desperate to trim the fat from their bloated squad, if only to help pay for Kaka, Cristiano Ronaldo and whoever else catches their eye this summer. So the Spanish club has...

If you thought Tottenham's new kits were bad, wait until you see what their goalkeepers have to wear...

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Much debate on Pies yesterday about Puma's controversial new Spurs kits. At time of posting, more than 1,500 of you had rated the kits, with 49% voting for NASTY. Good call, people. Football Shirt Culture has a couple of...

At £18m, is Glen Johnson a good signing for Liverpool?

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A man with no idea how to use Photoshop (me) offers his impression of how Johnson would look in a Liverpool shirt By all accounts, Portsmouth have accepted an £18m bid from Liverpool for Glen Johnson. Hmm, funny that...

Confederations Cup highlights: Brazil 4-3 Egypt, USA 1-3 Italy. That was fun

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With no domestic football to talk about (apart from what's being churned out by the massive rumour factory), the 2009 Confed Cup is doing a very good job of satisfying my appetite for football. It produced two cracking games...

Tottenham Hotspur did win something this season!

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This is Jamie Gascoigne, a Dagenham-dwelling Spurs fan with a big squawky mouth. He's just been voted Sky's FanZoner of the Year, which is, ahem, the only thing Spurs won in 08/09. It's something at least for Yids to be...

Top 10 links of the day: Fernando Torres wanted by Man Utd and more made-up stuff

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1. Fernando Torres is a transfer target for Man Utd. This won't ever happen, so here's what Torres would look like in a United shirt. I spent several seconds Photoshopping the Spaniard's head onto Darren Fletcher's body, but scaled...

Tottenham Hotspur's new Puma home kit for 2009/10: a big fat FAIL

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Nice one Puma, you faaacked up in a big way with this effort. After Spurs' elegant kits for 08/09, this is a huge letdown. The yellow detail on the white home shirt looks nasty as hell. The whole home...

Video: semi-naked Cristiano Ronaldo chills out in Moscow hotel corridor

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Q. Who's that wandering the corridors of Moscow's Crowne Plaza hotel in nothing but his pants? A. It's the one United player who you'd expect to find wandering a hotel's corridors in nothing but his pants. This short clip...

Horror Hair: David Beckham's greasy side-parting is pants

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Ah, you're probably not looking at his hair though, are you? Becks' hairdo here looks remarkably like one of David James' previous efforts (no prizes for guessing which one). [Dave spotted in his pants @ Kickette] Bonus video Watch...

Flashback: Franz Beckenbauer, the most arrogant footballer of all time

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When I call FB arrogant, I mean it as a massive compliment. It's admirable arrogance, if that's not oxymoronic. This highlights reel, which popped up on YouTube a few days ago, features some great footage of old Franz striding...

Tottenham Hotspurs' new Puma home kit for 2009/10: a big fat FAIL

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Nice one Puma, you faaacked up in a big way with this effort. After Spurs' elegant kits for 08/09, this is a huge letdown. The yellow detail on the white home shirt looks nasty as hell. The whole home...

Confederations Cup highlights: New Zealand 0-5 Spain, South Africa 0-0 Iraq

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Warning: these two men can severely damage your goal difference The Confederations Cup (come on, I know you can feign interest with me...) kicked off at the weekend. Pre-tournament favourites Spain demolished New Zealand, thanks to a Fernando Torres...

If Sir Alex Ferguson can't control his players, what hope is there for other managers?

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Time was, the only way you'd leave Old Trafford was on the say-so of Ferguson. A United player's future was almost entirely in Ferguson's hands. Those days are long gone. Player power is so great that football managers no longer...

Confederations Cup highlights: New Zealand 0-5 Spain, South Africa 0-0 Iran

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Warning: these two men can severely damage your goal difference The Confederations Cup (come on, I know you can feign interest with me...) kicked off at the weekend. Pre-tournament favourites Spain demolished New Zealand, thanks to a Fernando Torres...

Quote of the day: Michael Owen could have been as good as Fernando Torres and Cristiano Ronaldo

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"Were it not for an unhappy spell at Real Madrid and two injury-scarred years at Newcastle, he would be spoken about in the same breath as Torres and Ronaldo and valued in the priceless figures that only match-winning goalscorers ever...

Video viral: player tackles referee

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A scything tackle on the referee's blindside. We've all wanted to do this at one time or another. "But ref, I slipped!" Question: why do so many YouTube videos have a cheesy-but-euphoric trance soundtrack? Answers on a postcard please....

Message for Cristiano Ronaldo: it's all downhill after you leave Man Utd

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C-Ron haters, and Sky Sports, are resorting to this classic line. But is it true? In the Alex Ferguson era, there seems to be two distinct categories of United players who have been shown the exit door: 1) Young players...

Rate Fulham's new home kit for 2009/10

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[@ FootballShirtCulture] This looks rather like the same Nike template for Arsenal's away shirt for last season, but there are much worse designs to appropriate. I know some Fulham fans liked the classic simplicity of the white home shirts...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Ole Gunnar Solskjaer and Andy Serkis (aka Gollum)

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Many thanks to the improbably named Tucker Markus for this gem. Do you have an even shitter lookalike up your sleeve? Email Pies with your suggestion(s)....

Alex Ferguson will pay for his poor treatment of Carlos Tevez

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Carlito was delighted when his mum turned up at Man Utd's training ground Fergie phoned Tevez this week to assure him that he had a future at Old Trafford. The Argentine's response can be paraphrased as follows: "It's a...

GIF of the day: Cristiano Ronaldo throws a tantrum

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Good work, person on the internet with too much time on their hands who did this. [@ RoM]...

Football rumours: little Shaun Wright Phillips has a big secret

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Kids, look away now... "Shaun Wright-Phillips has a massive cock. No - not Ian Wright. An actual penis." The latest mailout from Holy Moly! contains this scary rumour. I don't even want to think about it... Gah, too late. What...

The WAG Files: Paris Hilton sucks the face off Cristiano Ronaldo

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The tabloids gleefully report that C-Ron spent "one night in Paris" - it's a good line and it's true, sort of: the airheaded pair spent the evening together in a Hollywood club, as this source told The Sun: 'A...

Premocracy: where will Man Utd finish in the Premier League next season?

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United - Ronaldo = what league position? Make your call: Where will Man Utd finish in the league next season?(poll)...

Quote of the day: Steven Gerrard has an Alsatian's arse

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"Have you seen my arse? It's like an Alsatian's." Stevie G has been at the truth serum again. (Yes, I did Photoshop this. Sorry.)...

Video: England 6-0 Andorra, highlights

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No great shock that Andorra, who would struggle to compete in League Two, were thrashed by Fabio Capello's boys in white. England could have scored more than ten goals but settled on six. Gold stars for Wayne Rooney, Glen...

Arsenal fans mess with Robbie Keane's head

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Getting a footballer to sign a photo, then revealing it's a photo of that player missing a penalty: priceless. I'm glad these Gooners got so much enjoyment from such a lame stunt. They're easily pleased, clearly. Watch the reveal,...

Is this the moment when Cristiano Ronaldo decided to leave Man Utd?

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Two-nil up in the Manchester derby and C-Ron sulks in the dug-out after being taken off. Was he thinking, "Right, that's it - I'm done with Fergie and the shit Manchester weather..." or was it after the Champions League...

How do you think Kaka feels about Cristiano Ronaldo's move to Real Madrid?

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Well it's not every week that a £56m transfer deal is forgotten about quite so quickly. Yesterday, Kaka was the name on every fan's lips. Today, the Brazilian's record move to Madrid is off the agenda, completely overshadowed by...

Top six Setanta moments

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It looks very much like Setanta is about to go under. The company is no longer taking customer subscriptions, and this week BSkyB refused a £50m lifeline payment to the Irish TV operator, which owes more than £30m to...

Mad Scot gambles £135,000 on England to beat Andorra... to win £675

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An anoymous Scottish man - let's call him Mad Jack McMad - bet £135,000 on England to beat Andorra in last night's World Cup qualifier at Wembley, at prohibitive odds of 1/200. He did win his bet, but walked away with...

BREAKING NEWS! Manchester United accept world-record £80m bid for Cristiano Ronaldo

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Holy crapola! According to the BBC, Manchester United have accepted an £80m bid from Real Madrid for Cristiano Ronaldo. And about time too. "United have agreed to give Real Madrid permission to talk to the player," a statement from the...

England v Andorra: I know nothing about Andorra

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Andorra? Andorra... that's in Africa, right? Like everyone in America, I know very little about Andorra. I do know that they are playing England tonight at Wembley (Btw, if you have a ticket and live in London, good luck...

Liverpool and Man Utd fans: officially both as bad as each other

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You can buy this T-shirt from Republik of Mancunia's online shop, along with other merchandise that cheerily makes reference to Liverpool fans' (admittedly shameful) involvement in the Heysel tragedy. "Withouth Killing Anyone" underpants, anyone? This crass garment sum ups...

The WAG Files: Caroline Celico (Kaka's wife) is shy and fully clothed

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I figure a lot of people will be searching the internet to find out more about Kaka, and also his impossibly cute wife, Caroline Celico. But there's not a lot out there to satisfy seasoned WAG watchers. Caroline seems...

The WAG Files: Caroline Celico (Kaka's wife) is shy and fully clothed

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Name Caroline Celico Nationality Brazilian WAG of... Kaka, the clean-cut golden boy of world football. The pair married in 2005, two days before Christmas. Carolina and Kaka first met in 2001 when she was a student and he was playing for São Paulo FC.

Albanian man cursed with Keepy-up Syndrome

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This Albanian peasant - let's call him Geoff - was born with a rare genetic disorder. Geoff's illness means he can't walk anywhere without continuously performing keepy-ups. It's a curse, although on the plus side, Geoff is clearly good...

Chelsea fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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In the last couple of weeks, Arsenal and Aston Villa fans have voted to keep Cesc Fabregas and Ashley Young respectively. Fine choices both. Today, it's the turn of Chelsea. If you had to sell all but one of...

GIF of the day: Kaka in happier times with Milan team-mates

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The incredibly good-looking Kaka used to have such fun with his buddies at the San Siro. Good work, but not as good as the brilliant Arsenal version....

Sh*t Lookalikes: William Gallas and Marcus Banks

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Arthur Lemarcus Banks III (aka Marcus Banks) plays basketball in the NBA for Toronto Raptors. He does indeed look a bit like Billy Gallas. That is all. Thanks to Pies reader Ben for sending in this SL. Good spot,...

Liverpool supporters group chants about Munich air disaster at end-of-season party

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Much consternation in Manchester with the YouTube release of a video shot at the Spirit of Shankly's end-of-season party, showing people chanting "Munich!" during a singer's live performance. Spirit of Shankly (formerly Sons of Shankly) is the self-appointed official supporters'...

Video: Belgian player has heart attack on pitch but is shocked back to life!

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Anthony Van Loo was diagnosed with a heart condition in June 2008 but allowed by doctors and Uefa to resume his playing career, on the condition that he have a defibrilator implanted in his chest. Thankfully, when the young...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Kaka and Alastair Cook

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The clean-living Cliff Richard of Brazilian football vs the clean-living pin-up boy of English cricket. I can hardly tell them apart.

Top 10 footballers who revealed T-shirts with messages

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1. Mohamed Aboutrika At the 2008 African Cup of Nations, the Egyptian midfielder lifted his shirt after scoring against Sudan to reveal a T-shirt bearing the message "Sympathy with Gaza". He was given a yellow card for breaking FIFA's...

Kaka joins Real Madrid for £56m, is now the most expensive player in the world

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It's official. Kaka has signed for Real Madrid. Everyone's a bwinner baby. The Brazilian cost Real a cool £56m, the most expensive single transfer in football history. It beats the £47m Real paid for Zinedine Zidane in 2001. The...

David Beckham told me to join Real Madrid, says Kaka

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Kaka only joined Madrid because Becks told him how nice it was in Spain. Lovely tapas, pretty ladies etc. Or, Kaka only joined Madrid to help fund Silvio Berlusconi's dubious lavish lifestyle. That's big of him....

Could Blackburn Rovers' new home kit look any cheaper?

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Answer: no it couldn't. I'm all for simple kits, and though this new Umbro shirt is simple, it looks horribly cheap and flimsy. And the shirt sponsor, which sticks out like Gareth Southgate's nose, looks like it's been ironed...

Video: God's midfielder (aka Rome's Clericus Cup)

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Yep, they all belong to Jesus, and no, I won't make a joke about crosses. This is the Clericus Cup, an annual football tournament competed for by teams of Catholic priests and seminary students. It began as recently as...

Video: Sky Soccer Saturdays, the blooper reel

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Something to make you smile on a grey Monday afternoon (unless you live outside the UK, in which case it might not be grey or even Monday!) Jeff Stelling, you are a God. Chris Kamara, you are a legend....

Sh*t Lookalikes: Scott Carson and Desperate Dan

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I was sure this wasn't going to be quite this shit, but actually, it is pretty shit. In my head, Desperate Dan has a gap in his teeth, like Carson. Not in reality though. Still, the facial hair is...

Top 10 links of the day: starring Skeletal Spice

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1. Victoria Beckham forgets to apply her make-up, and other embarrassing celebrity moments. [@ Holy Taco] 2. Top 10 Premier League players to drop into conversation as fictional swear words. [@ Off the Post] 3. C-Ron is Miss World...

Hillsborough Memorial in Liverpool vandalised

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Merseyside Police were called to the Hillsborough memorial garden in Port Sunlight, Liverpool, early this morning to investigate reports of vandalism. They arrived to find paving slabs lifted up and stone balustrades knocked down and smashed. I doubt the "youths"...

Top 10 memorable moments in football fashion

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This post may contain men in pants... 1. George Best's Boutique The fifth Beatle lived up to his nickname. Best dressed like a pop star and was one of the first high-profile players to open his own fashion boutique. He...

Aston Villa fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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Last week, Gooners voted to keep Cesc Fabregas at Arsenal, with Andrey Arshavin in second. Fabregas and Arshavin accounted for more than 70% of the vote, so it seems fairly clear which players mean the most to the club's...

Video: Kazakhstan 0-4 England

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Well that was tough. Job done by England but the match won't live long in the memory. Neat, acrobatic finish by Wazza Rooney for England's third, and, um... er, not a lot else to mention -Â a 4-0 win away...

Video: Kazakhstan 0-4 England. Job done

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Well that was tough. Job done by England but the match won't live long in the memory. Neat, acrobatic finish by Wazza Rooney for England's third, and, um... er, not a lot else to mention -Â a 4-0 win away...

Cristiano Ronaldo voted Sexiest Man Alive by Gay Times

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C-Ron has another award to add to his bulging pants. Did I say pants? I meant mantlepiece - it's easy to get the two confused. Gay Times, a British magazine read by precisely no Premier League footballers (that we...

Kazakhstan v England. Meh

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It required a mighty effort on my part not to illustrate this preview of England's game in Kazakhstan with a picture of Borat, as so many other websites have done. Instead, I chose to use a photo of the...

Video: Fat Ronaldo has more time on the ball in Brazil. A lot more time...

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Fantastico drible? No. If Fat-Ron tried that anywhere in Europe, he'd be laughed at, then tackled. Some Brazilian defenders are still in awe of him, which is understandable and cute. But it does make it hard to take the...

WIN a ticket to England v Andorra! Guess John Barnes' all-time World Cup XI

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Pies needs you! To support England's 2018 World Cup bid, I want to hear your all-time World Cup XIs (in a 4-4-2 formation). John Barnes, who is one of the ambassadors for the bid, has chosen his all-time World...

Nick Love's remake of The Firm revives football fashion from the 80s

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Simon Cowell's new boy band intimidated Westlife Sergio Tacchini, Adidas, Fila, Ellesse, Diadora... brand names to bring tears of nostalgia to the eyes of football casuals in the Eighties. (A lot of hooligans were also casuals, but it's worth...

What the 2008/09 Premier League Fair Play table tells us

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This is how the Fair Play table looked at the end of the 08/09 season (click to enlarge). It's judged on the following criteria: R/Y = Red/Yellow cards (three pts for a red, one for a yellow), max. of...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Roy Hodgson and Sara, the saxophone-playing walrus

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After Kath's not-shit-at-all lookalike last time up, I thought we needed to return to a genuinely shit entry. And here it is. Think you can do better (I'm sure you can). Email Pies with your suggestion...

USA men's team spanked 3-1 by the mighty Costa Rica (with video evidence)

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Landycakes is not happy. Tim Howard is not happy. Carlos Bocanegra is... you get the message. Bonus fact! Landon Donovan's voice is being used by the US military as a new form of smart weapon: a 20-second clip of...

Arsenal fans, who's the last player at your club you'd sell?

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Tis the season for buying and selling, so I thought I'd ask you, who's the last player at your club you'd sell? Arsenal fans, you start us off (seeing as how you're first in the Prem alphabet and all)......

Will Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 be good enough to save a dying series?

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The latest PES was due to star Cristiano Ronaldo, not Lionel Messi, but the game's developers haven't figured out yet how to recreate petulance convincingly - it just comes out looking like sadness and longing. Hopefully someone at Konami...

Is Thomas Vermaelen good enough for Arsenal?

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Arsenal are close to signing Thomas Vermaelen for around £10m. But will the highly rated Ajax centre-back turn out to be the new Tony Adams, or the next Philippe Senderos? From what I've seen of the 23-year-old Belgian (on...

Football graffiti: Gareth Barry is a Judas traitor

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A witty Villa fan's attempt to deface a poster of the club's ex-skipper. Fail And so Gareth Barry joins the sorry ranks of British football traitors, along with all the other Judas Iscariots who had the nerve to leave...

Video: New York Red Bulls harness the power of yoga

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I bet Claudio Reyna never had to put up with any of this infomercial shit when he was playing in England. Poor chap. Perhaps this is what prompted him to quit New York?...

Rumour mill: John Arne Riise to replace Sylvinho at Barcelona?

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Ooh, that hits the spot Sylvinho's contract with Barcelona ran out at the end of last month, and the club decided not to re-sign him - so the veteran full-back, 35, is now a free agent. Which means Barca...

Italy to wear special kit for Confederation Cup: that's not Azzurri blue!

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Italy will wear this unusual new Puma kit during this month's Confederations Cup in South Africa (the other competing nations are Egypt, USA, Iraq, Spain, Brazil, New Zealand and the hosts). As you can see, it's a much lighter...

The real reason Gareth Barry left Aston Villa (with video evidence)

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OK, a couple of things: 1) I've never seen Gareth Barry celebrate with a rubbish forward flip. He's way too dull to do something so exuberant. 2) Surely it would take more than a forearm to put down Big...

Flashback: Jimmy Greaves v Kendo Nagasaki, ITV World of Sport

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They don't make 'em like "Griller" Greavsie anymore (shame). If football is a funny old game, wrestling is even more strange. Shame Jimmy didn't team up with old pundit partner, Ian "Saint" St John - they would have made...

How the Daily Express almost killed Michael Owen's career

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The Daily Express, that bastion of quality journalism, has awarded substantial damages to Little Mickey Owen. The Express paid (an undisclosed amount) for an article it published on its back page last month, titled "Unwanted Toon striker at a cross...

Gareth Barry says sorry to Villa fans for transfer to Man City

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Barry will never wear Villa's lovely new away kit in anger Man City don't do long, drawn-out transfer sagas. Leave that to Real Madrid et al. Their move to sign Gareth Barry was ruthlessly and swiftly executed. Few people...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Everton's new Le Coq Sportif home kit and Everton's 80s kit

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It's crystal clear where Le Coq Sportif's designers got the inspiration for Everton's home shirt for 09/10. As you can see, it's a deliberate copy of the classic HAFNIA kit of the mid-Eighties, as worn by one of Everton's...

What does Kaka's move to Real Madrid mean for Cristiano Ronaldo?

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With Kaka set to sign for Real Madrid in the next few days, where does that leave Madrid's acknowledged No.1 target, Cristiano Ronaldo? On the face of it, you might think Madrid had chosen one marquee player over another....

Video: Steven Gerrard launches Liverpool's away kit by doing nothing

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Liverpool fan sizes up his captain This is what all "real" football fans look like, of course. In other words, they look like shit: overweight, bald and with a hint of special needs around the eyes. I guess Adidas were...

Sh*t Lookalikes: Gabriel Agbonlahor and Yanic Truesdale

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Yanic Truesdale is a Canadian actor best known for his portrayal of Michel Gerard in the TV series Gilmore Girls, which I can safely say I've never watched. I have watched Gabby Agbonlahor though, scampering down the wing as...

Kaka signs for Real Madrid for €65m! Definitely maybe

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Spanish media claims it's a done deal According to Marca and other sources in Spain, Kaka will be presented at the Bernabeu next week, having completed a €65m deal to Real Madrid. Although Kaka said he didn't want to leave...

Football chant of the week: Brede Hangeland / Bread of Heaven

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Norwegian giant praised to the heavens "Brede Hangeland, Brede Hangeland, He is Norway's Bobby Moore (Bobby Moore). He is Norway's Bobby Moore." Hangers might not be on the same level as the great Moore, but if he has a few...

WAG Watch: Is Cristiano Ronaldo dating a Chelsea player's sister?

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C-Ron sleeping with the enemy? Say hello to Luana Belletti. She's the not-unpretty sister of Juliano Belletti. Yes, the Juliano Belletti who plays for Chelsea. Reports coming from Europe claim that Luana, 24, has caught the roving eye of Cristiano...

Flashback quiz: Can you name this former star midfielder?

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Recognise this ex-player? Face look familiar? Or perhaps you've seen those finely tuned knees before? Know the answer? Have a guess and click below to see if you're right......

Pep Guardiola showed Gladiator-inspired video to Barcelona players before Champions League final

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Watch it and your bottom lip will wobble This is the real reason Barcelona won the CL final - a cheesy, yet rather inspiring highlights package of Barca's stars in action, cut with footage from Ridley Scott's Gladiator. (The final...

Lookalike maths: Ryan Stiles + Jeff Boomhauer = ?

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You do the maths... Comedian Ryan Stiles (a Who's Line Is It Anyway? stalwart) plus Jeff Boomhauer (Hank Hill's mumbling neighbour from King of the Hill) = which footballer? Answer after the jump......

Forgotten wonder goals: Serge Pizzorno from Kasabian scores on Soccer AM

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And he was wearing rock and roll shoes! The Kasabian guitarist apparently once harboured ambitions of playing up front for Leicester City and on this evidence there is no reason why he couldn't leave his rock 'n' roll lifestyle behind...

Video: Best comedy moments of Liverpool's 08/09 season

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The famous Scouse sense of humour Well worth watching for a couple of terrific air-shots, plus the best chant of the season, aimed at Alan Shearer (who takes it in good spirit): "You should have stayed on the telly!"...

Top 10 links of the day: let the "Beckham to Chelsea" rumours begin

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Some links to feed your mouse with 1. David Beckham to follow Carlo Ancelotti to Chelsea. Hmm, Becks has no loyalty, so yeah, I could see that... [@ BigSoccer] 2. Ribery, Villa or Aguero (or all three)? How Chelsea should...

Shit Lookalikes: Fernando Torres and Great Teacher Onizuka

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Great Teacher Onizuka is a famous manga character. He's great and he's a teacher. And his name is Eikichi Onizuka. What can I tell you? And he makes a very shit lookalike for Senor Nando Torres. Got any shit...

Flashback quiz: Who is this Seventies star?

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One point if you can name this former player Face look familiar? Think you know who it is? Answer after the click......

FAIL: Tabloid says Arsene Wenger may sell Cesc Fabregas

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Um, no "Why Arsene Wenger may decide to cash in on Cesc Fabregas this summer." Or, why the Mirror will write any old tosh to bait Gooners (ah, there's a paper after Pies' cold heart). A Mirror hack called Steve...

Flashback: Who is this Seventies star?

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One point if you can name this former player Face look familiar? Think you know who it is? Answer after the click......

Achy-breaky news: Carlos Ancelotti appointed new Chelsea manager

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Football's worst-kept secret, no longer a secret... In the interests of continuity, Chelsea has decided to replace the outgoing Guus Hiddink with another manager who likes a crafty fag. That man is Carlo Ancelotti, who has just been announced as...

Ten things you didn't know about Carlo Ancelotti

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Almost everything you need to know about Chelsea's new gaffer 1. After a Vespa crash as a teenager, Carlo's left eyebrow was left permanently arched (see photo). Sometimes he arches his right eyebrow on purpose, to appear symmetrical. 2. Carlo...

Achy-breaky news: Carlo Ancelotti appointed new Chelsea manager

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Football's worst-kept secret, no longer a secret... In the interests of continuity, Chelsea has decided to replace the outgoing Guus Hiddink with another manager who likes a crafty fag. That man is Carlo Ancelotti, who has just been announced as...

Guus Hiddink broke Wembley smoking ban

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Departing Chelsea boss falls victim to British bureaucracy A very bad artist's impression of Guss Hiddink smoking a tab Super Guus could receive a fine for lighting up a celebratory cigar at Wembley, after Chelsea's 2-1 win against Everton in...

Video: Guus Hiddink performs African victory dance with Roman Abramovich

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Hiddink's Got Talent As Dutch rebel Guus Hiddink smoked a cigar in Wembley's hallowed dressing room, he performed an awesome victory dance with his players and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich. "There was South American, eastern European and African dancing going...

Marouane Fellaini thinks his hair looks "fantastic", won't get haircut

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Everton's big hair bear won't cut his locks Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain As the photo on the right shows, Marouane Fellaini didn't always have enormous hair...

Cesc Fabregas, desperately seeking a decent midfield partner

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Cesc is lonely, crying out for Xabi Alonso "Attractive, slim Spanish guy seeks partner for weekend strolls in the park. Must be world-class, have GSOH." Neither Abou Diaby, Alex Song nor Denilson are good enough -Â yet, at least -Â to partner...