Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2009

Video: Michael Ballack's aim is not true

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What's the German for swollen nutsack? So, congrats to Herr Ballack, who came off the bench to help Chelsea to victory in the FA Cup Final. Some good luck at last for the German....

Chelsea v Everton, FA Cup Final preview

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Blue is the colour at Wembley today What it looks like to face Chelsea I'm not expecting much entertainment from today's FA Cup Final, the 128th in the competition's history (stat fans) -Â and the sun is shining madly in London,...

Vote: Should all English football fans support Man Utd?

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English fans of "Anyone But United" want Barcelona to win. Is that a good thing? As I write this post with Radio 5 Live on in the background, all I can hear is angry Scousers and Gooners, talking bitterly about...

Man Utd v Barcelona: Champions League final kits

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What the teams will be wearing in Rome Manchester United With Barcelona awarded official home team status in the CL final, Man Utd have chosen to wear an all-white kit (C-Ron can see if he likes playing in all white)...

BREAKING NEWS: First Man Utd fan stabbed in Rome. Well that didn't take long

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Et tu, Fergie? Italian capital already living up to "stab city" reputation A Man Utd fan has been stabbed in Rome ahead of tonight's Champions League final. Greg Wheldon, 34, suffered a knife wound to his left leg after being...

Head to head: Michael Carrick (Man Utd) v Sergi Busquets (Barcelona)

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Time for United's quiet man to step up Michael Carrick (Man Utd) Carrick is the football equivalent of a Saab - he's classy and efficient but a bit dull. That's not a criticism. I'm a huge fan of Carrick, and...

Head to head: Anderson (Man Utd) v Andres Iniesta (Barcelona)

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Vote on this crucial midfield battle Anderson (Man Utd) It would be unfair to call Anderson a headless chicken - he is a more intelligent player than that -Â but he does have a tendency to run around like a man...

Champions League Flashback: Lee Sharpe's backheel (Man Utd v Barcelona)

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Cheeky boy Remember Lee Sharpe? Before Ryan Giggs burst on the scene, Sharpe was United's poster boy. He was a fine player, but his main problem was a) he liked to party, and b) he just wasn't as good as...

Head to head: Paul Scholes (Man Utd) v Xavi (Barcelona)

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The ginger ninja has his work cut out Paul Scholes (Man Utd) Scholesy is very well respected in Europe, I'd say more so than any English player of the last 20 years (Guardiola is a big fan, apparently). He's now...

Head to head: Ryan Giggs (Man Utd) v Xavi (Barcelona)

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Giggsy has his work cut out here Ryan Giggs (Man Utd) Giggsy is very well respected in Europe, I'd say more so than any British player of the last 15 years. He's now coming to the end of his illustrious...

Head to head: Park Ji-Sung (Man Utd) v Lionel Messi (Barcelona)

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Hmm, I can guess which way this will go... Park Ji-Sung (Man Utd) Left out of the squad for last year's final, but Fergie has promised him a role in Rome. He'll probably start, and on the right (then why...

Head to head: Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) v Thierry Henry (Barcelona)

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Getting down to the business end of the Champions League finalists Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) Who knew Rooney would turn out to be a world-class left winger? But that's what he's become, even if it's not the first position he'd...

Head to head: Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd) v Samuel Eto'o (Barcelona)

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The egos have landed Cristiano Ronaldo (Man Utd) Scored a stunning goal in open play against Porto in United's CL quarter final, then followed it up with a ridonkulous free-kick in United's semi final, second leg at Arsenal (watch both...

Barcelona v Manchester United, Champions League final: preview and prediction

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Such a beautiful horizon... Well, we're all tremendously excited about this, I can tell. I can't remember this much hype before a football match since England last got knocked out of the World Cup. I suppose the hype is warranted....

Barcelona 2-0 Manchester United: ten conclusions

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Protectors of the beautiful game win third European title 1. Dream final? Yep, it made me sleepy, so in that respect it lived up to its billing. But after so much hype, this was a big fat anti-climax - as...

Video: Barcelona 2-0 Manchester United, Champions League final highlights

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See again where it all went wrong for United Relive the magic of Xavi & Iniesta, the petulance of C-Ron, the play-acting of Puyol, the dulcit tones of Tyldesley and Pleaty. It's all there. Actually, on second viewing, the match...

The footy thermometer: Barcelona 2-0 Manchester United

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Who's hot, who's not HOT Xavi and Iniesta The best midfield partnership on the planet. And the greatest of these is Iniesta (last night anyway). Pep Guardiola Won the treble in his first season. If Carlsberg did a football team,...

The Champions League final, reaction in quotes

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MAN UTD REACTION "Barcelona are a brilliant team and in my opinion Andres Iniesta is the best player in the world, he's incredible." Wayne Rooney "In our best performances this season we have defended very well, but the defending was...

Video: Cassetteboy - The Football Bit (it's gay)

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More gay innuendo than you can shake a stick at... Sample quotes: "He's not frightened to go in where it hurts." "He's gonna come inside." Genius. And notice the prominence of football's most orgasmic commentator, Jonathan Pearce....

Vote: who was Man Utd's worst player?

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All of Fergie's team were below-par in Rome. But who was United's biggest disappointment? Who was Man Yoo's worst player against Barcelona?(online poll)...

Brave football reporter questions Sir Alex Ferguson's desire. You can guess the rest

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Did I say brave? I meant foolish This is a recreation of how angry Fergie must have looked when a brave/foolish reporter dared to question his ambition, in the postmortem of Manchester United's 2-0 defeat by Barcelona in the Champions...

Football feuds: Nacho Novo laughs at Giorgos Samaras, again and again

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Rangers striker mocks Celtic rival, repeatedly Nacho Novo, Rangers' diminutive Spanish striker, is clearly a bit mad. And it seems he can't stop having a pop at Giorgos Samaras, Celtic's Greek forward. It's classic schoolyard stuff, along the lines of...

Aston Villa's new away shirt for 09/10 is very stripey

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Villa unveil pinstriped away kit. Eees nice This is Aston Villa's new away shirt for the 2009/10 season. As you can see, it's made by Nike, it's very stripey (though the stripes are subtle) and I think it looks rather...

Spot the difference: Steven Gerrard's kiss v Ryan Giggs' kiss

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Ah, gotta love the rivalry between Man Yoo and the Bin-dippers, especially when it comes up with priceless comedy like this... United fans who want to ease the pain of Wednesday's CL defeat may like to know that they can...

Top 15 moments of the 2008/09 Premier League season

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It wasn't a vintage season, but there were enough memorable moments for it to qualify as an entertaining season. Here, in no particular order, Pies lists its highlights Phil Brown's public team talk Trailing 4-0 at half-time against Man City,...

Top six consequences of Manchester United's Champions League defeat

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Ronaldo and Tevez to strop out of Old Trafford? 1. Cristiano Ronaldo is sulking. He slammed Alex Ferguson's tactics for Wednesday's Champions League final, saying: "Ferguson did not tell me anything. Nothing. I didn't realise I was to play as...

AC Milan's new signing needs to go to the gym

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Either that, or Ronaldinho's really let himself go Don't worry, Milan fans: your club's transfer policy has not taken a turn for the worse. The tubby chap in the jeans represents Milan's "12th Man", as part of the adidas campaign...

Video: Top 25 goals in Champions League history

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"The Chaaaaampions..." (sings the theme tune) With the Champions League final little more than 24 hours away, Pies rounds up 25 of the finest strikes the competition has ever seen. Because you're worth it... 25. Mancini, ROMA v Lyon This...

Champions League final preview: Top six Barcelona shit lookalikes

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The build-up to Man Utd v Barcelona starts with shit lookalikes Andres Iniesta and Count Duckula This is really shit, I admit, but there's something in the mouth that make it work. Maybe....

Video nasty: do you have the stomach to watch this leg-breaking tackle?

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WARNING: this is bad Mpumalanga Black Aces have apologised for a horror tackle by Felix Muamba-Musasa that broke the leg of Carara Kicks' Oupa Ngulube, during the NFD play-offs in South Africa. It really is the worst break I've seen...

Top 10 links of the day: It's up for grabs now, the 20th anniversary of Anfield '89

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Today's links are brought to you by the glory of Michael Thomas 1. Twenty years ago today, Arsenal won some trophy at Anfield. "It's up for grabs now!" Yeah, you remember it... [@ Arseblog] 2. Ten million fake football shirts seized...

Paolo Maldini jeered on farewell by AC Milan fans

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Milan living legend bows out to the sound of jeers and whistles. He didn't deserve this Paolo Maldini is the greatest defender of his generation, perhaps of all time. His career at Milan (he was a loyal, one-club man) spanned...

Six Premier League players who faded badly in 2008/09

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Who didn't last the course? Deco (Chelsea) It all started as planned: Deco scored a screamer on his Chelsea debut, at home to Pompey in the August sunshine, but it was quickly downhill after that. The Ronnie Corbett-faced Brazilian has...

Burnley promoted: Yay, Britain's "capital of racism" makes it to the Premier League

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The northern Clarets back in the big time As one of the founder members of the Football League, back in 1888, Burnley FC has a long and proud history -Â the Clarets won the league twice, in 1921 and 1960. On...

Quote of the day: Ian Holloway is the new Blackpool manager (and he's still speaking glorious nonsense)

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Hollers is back, and about time too "What I wanna do now is relationships. You see, the way I look at it, I almost had an affair... I ran off with another bird, didn't I? Which was Leicester and she...

Jamie O'Hara's WAG Danielle Lloyd rushed to hospital after nightclub fight

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WAG down, WAG down! Danielle Lloyd, ex-Miss Great Britain and outed racist, had to have emergency plastic surgery on her leg, after allegedly being attacked last night by two women inside London's Crystal nightclub -Â according to reports, the WAG was...

FAIL: Man Utd to make "signing of the century". Hmm, really?

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The headline and story don't quite fit Like many people, I made the mistake of clicking on Soccervoice.com's tantalising story titled: "Man Utd to make signing of the century". Was Messi heading for Old Trafford, I wondered? Or Kaka, or...

Let's NOT all laugh at Newcastle

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I thought this would be more enjoyable Like many neutral fans, I really wanted Newcastle to go down - because I knew it would be very enjoyable to see such a "massive" (translation: deluded) club drop down to the Championship,...

Video: Man Utd unveil Paul Smith suits for Champions League final

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Suits you, Sir (Alex) It's a grey suit, get over it....

Top 10 links of the day: Uefa charges Didier Drogba and Jose Bosingwa for Champions League antics

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It's a f**king disgrace! 1. Surprise! Uefa has charged Didier Drogba and Jose Bosingwa for insulting the referee after Chelsea's Champions League exit at the hands of Barcelona. Uefa has also initiated disciplinary proceedings against Chelsea. [@ BBC Sport] 2....

Prediction FAIL: Fernando Torres was almost right!

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Close, Nando, but no cigar. No silverware either Mystic Torres looks into the future and sees Liverpool winning the Premier League. Not yet, amigo....

Watch the trailer for "Looking for Eric", Ken Loach's new film starring Eric Cantona

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"I am not a man. I am Cantona." Here's the UK trailer for the new Ken Loach film, Looking For Eric. The film is the story of a depressed postman who is searching for a hero and finds one in...

Sexy model used to launch Linfield's new away kit

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Sexy model, yes. Sexy club, no Linfield FC called on the services of former Miss Northern Ireland, Lucy Evangelista (no relation to Linda), to help launch their new away kit (the home kit doesn't change). Pies thinks this is a...

eBay kit parade: want to buy a Liverpool shirt celebrating the 4-1 "Manchester Massacre"?

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Liverpool fan sells unique commemorative shirt I'll let the seller pitch you this opportunity to own a piece of history... "THIS IS LIVERPOOL FC UNIQUE EMBROIDED AWAY SHIRT SHIRT,THIS BEAUTIFUL SHIRT HAS BEEN EMBROIDED PROFESSIONALLY AS YOU CAN SEE IN...

Flashback: Six memorable relegation "Great Escapes"

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British football's greatest Houdini acts 1. West Bromwich Albion (2005) With the odds stacked massively against the Baggies, on the final day of the season they did the only thing they could and beat Portsmouth 2-0. Elsewhere, Crystal Palace drew...

Head v heart: your relegation predictions, please...

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Who do you want to go down? And who do you think will go down? "Ah, I've made a right balls-up of this..." West Brom (definitely) and Boro (99% certain) are down, but which one from Newcastle Utd, Hull City...

Caption competition: Steven Gerrard at the Cannes Film Festival

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Win a DVD box-set!! Here's Stevie G at the Cannes Festival, supporting old mate Neil Fitzmaurice (Ray Von in Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights). Fitzmaurice was in France to promote his new film, Charlie Noades RIP, while Stevie tagged along for...

Liverpool issue statement condemning Hillsborough comments made by US radio pundit Steven Cohen

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Phone-in host at centre of new Hillsborough controversy This grinning buffoon is Steven Cohen, the host of World Soccer Daily (WSD). WSD is the most popular football phone-in radio show in the States. God knows why it's popular -Â it features...

GIF of the day: Alex Ferguson scared by popping balloon

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Fergie faces his biggest fear Nothing scares the hardest manager in the Premier League, except his assistant Mike Phelan popping a balloon....

Panini Classics: Drew Jarvie's combover

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This hairstyle was all the rage in 1975 A perfectly executed combover by the former Abedeen & Scotland forward. Got any Panini classics for Pies? We need them. Email me with the details....

Wonder goal of the week: Cristiano Zanetti scores with ridonkulous volley (Juventus v Atalanta)

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Shame no one was there to see it Fantastic strike by Zanetti (who is no relation to Javier of Internazionale), but no Juventus fans saw it live -Â their league game at home against Atalanta on Sunday was played in front...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Group E (Essien v Eto'o, Casillas v Iniesta)

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The group of death? Michael Essien v Samuel Eto'o (Group E) Two giants of the game in Africa go head to head - but who's the better player right now? Vote below......

Top 10 links of the day, brought to you by LEGO Jenga

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The best football links Thursday 21 May has ever seen LEGO Jenga! [@ B3TA] 1. The origins of cult football chants. Ooh Ah Cantona, say ooh ah Cantona! [@ Guardian] 2. A handy graph showing the progression of the 2008/09...

Video: Fat Ronaldo pulls opponent's hair, like a girl

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Big Ron faces disciplinary action after this quick tug... "You pull my shirt, I pull your hair." Fat Ronaldo is in not-very-hot water after he was caught pulling an opponent's hair (Botafogo's Fahel), while playing for Corinthians on Sunday. The...

Top six dirtiest Premier League players of the season

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Dirrrrty boys The list is based on fouls committed, which I concede is a flawed way of deciding which players are dirty. For example, there are no defenders on the list, because a) defenders are expected to make tackles, so...

Video: Uefa Cup final highlights - Shakhtar Donetsk 2-1 Werder Bremen

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Difficult-to-spell team wins last ever Uefa Cup final Shish-kebab Donertsk go down in the history books as the final team to lift the Uefa Cup (next season we get the Europa League, or Eurovision League as I will be calling...

GIF of the day: Gareth Barry in Team America

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"Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls,...

Video: Arsenal reveal new away kit for 2009/10 season

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Sartorial excellence? Hmm, no Look at the fancy Gooners! They may be rubbish at winning silver, trophy-shaped things, but they're at the cutting-egde when it comes to announcing their new kit, as this embedded video shows. (And I didn't realise...

Who is the first name on Man Utd's Champions League final team sheet?

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Guess which player has been confirmed as a definite starter for United in Rome Fergie revealed today the first name in his starting XI against Barcelona on 27 May. Who do you think could be? Answer after the jump......

What do you think of Bolton Wanderers' new "barcode" home kit?

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Cult classic or travesty? Well, it's, er, different - I'll say that for Bolton's new home shirt, which has already been dubbed the "barcode" kit. What do you think of it? Vote below......

Shit Lookalikes: Emmanuel Adebayor and Samuel L Jackson

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Mmm-hmm, that is a tasty burger As spotted by ITV's Clive Tyldesley, I think, during the commentary on one of Arsenal's Champions League matches this season. More Shit Lookalikes...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Group D (Messi v Robinho, Xavi v De Rossi)

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The opening games in Group D To speed things along a bit, we'll feature two group games per post. Today is the turn of Group D (Lionel Messi, Xavi, Robinho, Daniele De Rossi). First up, Messi takes on Man City's...

Top 10 links of the day, starring Marouane Fellaini

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Today's freshest links are brought to you by the letter "M" and Marouane Fellaini 1. Marouane Fellaini won Everton's Young Player of the Year award (Phil Jagielka won the main award). You could have got your hair cut for the...

Video: Zlatan Ibrahimovic wants to be substituted against Siena, Mourinho says no

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Another sulk by football's biggest primadonna On Saturday night, Inter's players spent the night (and some of Sunday morning) out on the town, getting pissed. They had reason to celebrate: Milan had lost to Udinese earlier in the evening, a...

Six Premier League players who don't deserve to go down

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Boo, life's not fair Happier days for West Brom's skipper 1. Jonathan Greening (West Bromwich Albion) West Brom's bearded captain, who never quite made the grade at Man Utd, has been the driving force for his team this season. His...

Elen Rives (Frank Lampard's ex-WAG) trades down for non-league player

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WAG forced to lower her sights Spare a thought for Elen Rives, the former WAG of England and Chelsea's Frank Lampard. There are only so many Lampards to go around, and so Rives has had to look down the leagues...

Flashback: Oliver Kahn's Panini horror hair

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Don't stare at this photo for too long, it will damage your eyes Apparently, it was acceptable in Germany to look like this in the Eighties. Shocking stuff. Apart from an albino silverback gorilla, Kahn really reminds me of someone...

Flashback: Liverpool fans taunt Man Utd with ill-advised banner

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Pride before a fall and all that Liverpool fans: Come back when you've won 18! United fans: Hi, remember that banner you held up in 1994? Yeah, about that... Now who'll be the first to 19? Hmm, I know who...

Video: Usain Bolt stars at Man Utd awards ceremony, Nemanja Vidic surprised to win fans' player of the year

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More fun times with Jim Rosenthal and the champions Nice to see Vidic get the recognition his performances this season merited. And nice to hear his praises being sung: "Nemanja, woah-oh!/ He comes from Serbia, he'll fooking murder ya!" Lovely...

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo wins goal of the season at Man Utd award ceremony

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Another gong for C-Ron's trophy cabinet "In my opinion, I think it's a fantastic goal." Yes, Cristiano, it is a fantastic goal, but there's no need to spell it out. And it didn't win three points, you dunderhead -Â it helped...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Karim Benzema v Sergio Aguero

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The search for the best footballer on the planet continues Karim Benzema v Sergio "Kun" Aguero (Group C) Two of the most highly rated young forwards in the world. But which one gets your vote?...

Relegation wars: Alex Ferguson's big chance to spite Alan Shearer

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Fergie set to play reserve team against Hull A couple of points to scare Newcastle fans ahead of this weekend's crunch relegation battle: 1) Sir Alex Ferguson is mates with Phil Brown, Hull's boss. Hull play Man Utd in their...

If Arsene Wenger leaves Arsenal for Real Madrid, who wins?

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Madrid already in talks to make Wenger their new boss According to Guillem Balague's website, Real Madrid have "set wheels in motion" to sign Arsene Wenger as their new manager. Balague writes: "An alternative source claims that Wenger has spoken...

Quote of the day: Sir Alex Ferguson loves the beautiful women in Milan

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Fergie reveals real reason why he loves the Champions League "The Wednesday night atmosphere when you, maybe, go to Madrid and Barcelona. You can smell the cigars and there's perfume wafting down from the stands. It's wonderful, it's different. I...

V for victory: Is this Manchester United's new home kit for 09/10?

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Leaked photos show champions' next shirt. Possibly... It's a bit naff, no? But it does tie in with Nike's recently launched "V" range of sportswear, so there's every chance it's not a fake. Another variation on this theme, with a...

Top 10 links of the day, with the keyboard cat

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Today's links are brought to you by Play him off, keyboard cat [@ Play him off, keyboard cat] 1. England launches 2018 World Cup bid. Failing that, the 2022 World Cup will do. It's coming home! But not for a...

Flashback: Wonderful World of Soccer Stars stickers

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This nostalgia-tinged dispatch just in, from our sister site, Anorak... "As a young lad, Old Mr Anorak liked to settle down with his junior pipe and slippers, reach for his monogrammed Gurkha knife, and cut open a paper packet...

Rangers' Kyle Lafferty is a big "Jessie". He's also a diving cheat

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Rangers star's antics get Aberdeen player sent off Kyle Lafferty pretended to be headbutted by Aberdeen's Charlie Mulgrew during Saturday's SPL match at Ibrox. Lafferty fell to the ground as if he'd been properly nutted, when in fact Mulgrew hardly...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Steven Gerrard v John Terry

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A heavyweight clash of the England captains Steven Gerrard v John Terry (Group C) A very tough opener for England's skipper, against a former England skipper who has just won the Football Writers' Player of the Year award. Sorry, JT,...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: David Villa v Gigi Buffon

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Who's more valuable: a great striker or a brilliant keeper? David Villa v Gigi Buffon (Group B) The second game in Group B is a David v Goliath match-up: little David Villa against the imposing massiveness of Gigi Buffon. Who...

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo interviews team-mate Anderson

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C-Ron is a funny guy After Man Utd's 0-0 draw at home to Arsenal, a result that saw United win the league (congrats to Fergie and co. - you deserved it), Ronaldo grabbed the mic from a Sky reporter and...

Andrey Arshavin still sexist, still fears women drivers

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Gender equality yet to reach Russia, clearly "If my wife's car drive into group of gypsies, will there be any damage to car? Very nice!" God love Andrey Arshavin and his old-school, Borat-esque sexism. In an interview with the Daily...

Shit Lookalikes: Victoria Beckham and M Bison

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One is a scary control freak, the other is a video game character Nice shoulder pads/hat combo, Mrs Becks. Not intimidating in any way. More Shit Lookalikes...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Kaka v Diego

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The opening fixture in Group B Kaka v Diego (Group B) (Group B: Kaka, Diego, David Villa, Gigi Buffon) Tough bracket, Group B, and we kick off with an all-Brazilian clash. Kaka's form has dipped a bit since 2006/07, while...

Amazing stat of the day: Man Utd are bullies

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United's performance against the Prem's strugglers is the key to their success this season... As Manchester United prepare to win the Premier League against Arsenal - an act of rubbing it in not seen since Monica Lewinsky left the Oval...

Genius football song: "I will follow Ronaldo" (with video)

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How many stars can you spot? The best football song/video I've seen this season, no contest....

Video: even ball boys are faking injuries now

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Get up, son As far as I can tell, this incident took place during a game in the Czech league between Sparta Prague and FC Tescoma Zlin (please correct me if that's not right). Using my amazing powers of deduction,...

Which terrible pop star has been hired to record the official song for the 2010 World Cup?

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Fifa gets it wrong again Your starter for ten... Q. Which crap R&B star claims he has been chosen by Fifa to be the "musical director" for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa? The painful truth is revealed after...

Puerile quote of the day, starring Jermaine Beckford of Leeds United

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Leeds striker complimented opposition defender "He tries to chat with you during the game. There were times on Saturday when he was complimenting me on my game saying things like 'good header' and 'nice tackle'. "I didn't know whether he...

Video viral: Xabi Alonso plays football golf with Pepe Reina

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What's going on here? You tell us... As good a keeper as he is, Pepe Reina is clearly in the wrong profession. We've already seen that he's a terrific public speaker. Here, he shows us his acting skills, albeit only...

Arsenal's new away kit is blue and awful

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Ouch, that is nasty This is a leaked photo (montage) of Arsenal's away kit for the 2009/10 season. First thing you notice... it's blue, like the sort of blue worn by bitter rivals Spurs. Second thing you notice, it looks cheap...

Video: Does Cristiano Ronaldo have gay thoughts?

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This new clip suggests Ronny has an eye for his team-mate's tackle Of course, C-Ron is not heterosexual or homosexual or even bisexual - he's Ronaldosexual (Pies ®), which means he really only loves himself. [@ lots of blogs, including...

Video: Henrik Larsson takes deadly aim at opponent's balls

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Old Henrik, he's still got it Balls... check. Head... check. Nice that the other guy (Jon Persson, who plays for Brommapojkarna, I believe) saw the funny side. [@ 101GreatGoals]...

Top 10 links of the day: with added Katie Price

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Today's links are brought to you by the number "69" and the celebrity Katie Price. That's just a coincidence 1. Swedish hooligans riot at 30,000ft. [@ Unprofessional Foul] 2. It's the irresponsible media who help to put football in the...

The "Best Player in the World" World Cup: Cristiano Ronaldo v Fernando Torres

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The "Best Player in the World World" Cup kicks off! Cristiano Ronaldo v Fernando Torres (Group A) (Group A: Cristiano Ronaldo, Fernando Torres, Dani Alves, Luka Modric) So, the first tie of Pies' "Best Player in the World" World Cup,...

The Best Player in the World World Cup: Dani Alves v Luka Modric

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Choose your winner in the second match in Group A The inaugural Best Player in the World World Cup kicked off yesterday, with a very tasty clash: Cristiano Ronaldo (pre-tournament favourite) v Fernando Torres. As it stands, Nando is set...

Video: wiggle your hips, the Carlos Tevez way

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Unsettled Man Utd star shows off his centre-circle moves Do our eyes deceive us, or is Carlitos jiggling his man junk - subtly, mind - at Dimitar Berbatov? Could be....

Middlesbrough's relegation: would you sack Gareth Southgate?

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After last night's 3-1 defeat to Newcastle, Boro are so down Poor Gareth Southgate, doomed to hold on to his job as Boro boss, no matter what he does to the club. Even relegation won't be enough to convince chairman...

Top 10 most improved players in the Premier League, part 2

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Who's the most improved player of all? Find out below... 5. Glen Johnson (Portsmouth) With the confidence gained from a few good outings in an England shirt (Fabio Capello rates him, it's clear), Johnson has been the stand-out player in...

Top 10 most improved players in the Premier League this season, part 1

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Who's kicked on in 08/09? Here's who... 10. Alex Song (Arsenal) Not so long ago, many Gooners wondered what Arsene Wenger saw in the young Cameroonian midfielder. But after a string of impressive performances in the second half of this...

Video: Andre Bikey, even madder than Didier "Mad Drog" Drogba

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Reading defender goes berserk in Championship play-off After being sent off for a terrible stamp on Burnley's Robbie Blake, Reading's Andre Bikey went loco, tearing off his shirt and stampeding around the pitch in a manner that made Didier Drogba's...

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo sulks after being substituted in the Manchester derby

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C-Ron doesn't fear Fergie's hairdryer, clearly Cristiano Ronaldo Moody Moment Against City - The best bloopers are here Quite unbelievable really. Can you imagine any other player doing this in front of Fergie? Normally it would mean career suicide, and...

Video: Arsenal 1-4 Chelsea

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Arsenal lose again, Chelsea bounce back In the wake of Tom Henning Ovrebo-Gate, I thought Chelsea might suffer more when it came to this battle of the Champions League losers, but I was way wrong. Guus Hiddink's team came to...

Manchester City land £30m "United" shirt sponsor

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City's Arab connections pay off again Man City's new 2009/10 kit is worth a cool £45million. Next week the club will announce a £30m shirt sponsorship deal with Air Etihad, set to run for four seasons. Umbro will also take...

Video: Man Utd 2-0 Man City

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The title race is over folks Nice one Sparky, your boys could have tried a bit harder than that. I guess that sums up the thoughts of Rafa Benitez today. His Liverpool side keep on winning, but can't get any...

Quick Prem predictions, 9-11 May

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Pies dusts off the old crystal ball... SATURDAY Blackburn v Portsmouth: Both teams are in a decent position to avoid relegation (Rovers are six points off the drop zone, while Pompey have a seven-point cushion), so a draw here will...

David Beckham: "I am not a flirt"

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Becks exists only for Victoria. That's his story anyway In an interview with Italian newspaper La Stampa, Becks denied he had a dinner date with Mariann Fogarasy, a Hungarian glamour model who is a) much younger than Victoria Beckham, and...

Top 10 links of the day: if I say how hot and naked Megan Fox is, will more people see this? Yeah, more people will see this

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Today's links are brought to you by the letter "C" and the celebrity Megan Fox 1. Emmanuel Adebayor's car was keyed by angry Gooners. [@ Popbitch] 2. Irish army banned from playing football on Chad's hard pitches. [@ BBC Sport]...

Uefa offer Champions League lifeline to Darren Fletcher

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... But Man Utd midfielder will still miss the final Uefa will discuss Darren Fletcher's red card, which at least gives some hope to the Scot, who is currently suspended from the Champions League final. An official Uefa statement confirmed...

GIF of the day: The most inventive nutmeg in football history!

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Loving this guy's work......

"The Best Player in the World" World Cup

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You decide who is the best footballer on the planet Vote for me! Vote for me! Nothing gets football fans going as much as the question, "Who's the best player in the world?" With that in mind, Pies is proud(ish)...

Is this Chelsea's new away kit for 2009/10?

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You like? According to the worldwide internet web, this is Chelsea's new away shirt for next season. It looks rather 1980s to me (I could see Kerry Dixon wearing it), which is no surprise given that the 80s revival currently...

Uefa Cup video: Martin Jol's Hamburg foiled by paper ball

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Werder Bremen reach Uefa Cup final, thanks partly to bizarre bobble Damn that pesky "papierkugel"! Hamburger SV, quarter-final conquerors of Manchester City, were on course to make the Uefa Cup final, but fate intervened, in the form of a scrunched...

Shit Lookalikes: Michael Essien and Chris Partlow from The Wire

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Two scary men, but in very different ways If you don't watch The Wire, a) you should, absolutely (it's amazingly good), and b) for the purposes of this post, you might want to know that Partlow (played by Nigerian-American actor...

Eamon Dunphy and Graeme Souness fight over Arsenal's transfer policy

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RTE pundits > all other pundits As ever, RTE's gang of football experts shame the likes of Messrs Lawrenson, Townsend and Claridge. Favourite moment: when Souey asks Dunphy which clubs he has managed. Bold chat there, Graeme -Â your managerial track...

Football chant of the week: Leighton Baines v Carly Simon

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Everton fans 1, all other fans 0 Let's hear it for Everton fans, who have taken to singing about their left-back Leighton Baines, to the tune of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" (written by Simon about actor Warren Beatty). It...

Didier Drogba says sorry for "f**king disgraceful" outburst

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Chelsea striker apologises for sweary rant In a statement on Chelsea's official website, Mad Drog said: "I was very upset at what happened during the game, but having seen the pictures on TV I accept that I overreacted. "I also...

John Terry, a true English gentleman

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So say Barcelona Ever the gent, Mr JT visited the away dressing room after last night's CL semi final and shook hands with every single Barcelona player, as well as each member of their coaching staff, including head coach Pep...

Viral FAIL: Arsenal v Chelsea, the losers' final

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Who will win the battle of the Champions League bridesmaids? Someone got busy on Photoshop. A smug Man Utd fan, perhaps? [Thanks to Jamironad for the tip] Seen any more funny football virals? Drop me a line, Pies would love...

Top 10 links of the day, starring Roy Keane and his dog

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Some lovely links for your mouse 1. Disturbing image of the day: Keano and canine assistant [@ Guardian Gallery] 2. Chelsea sniffing around Assmann. No, really. [@ The Spoiler] 3. Florent Malouda's hair is a problem. [@ Kickette] 4. The...

Quotes of the day: Lily Allen hates WAGs, especially Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Cole

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Pop's biggest mouth strikes again Lily Allen, Fulham fan and waste of skin, let rip during an interview with French footy mag SoFoot... On football's first couple: "The Beckhams are sickening. Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I'd rather shoot...

WAG watch: Victoria Beckham scrubs up nicely for Armani

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Dave's missus + Photoshop - clothes = reasonably attractive If you can ignore the ridiculous Mr Whippy hairdo and intense, constipated stare, then you may concede that old Posh looks half-decent in this new photoshoot for Emporio Armani underwear. So...

Chelsea unveil new shirt sponsor

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I love the smell of irony in the morning...

Premocracy: were Chelsea robbed?

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Vote below, simple as that Were Chelsea robbed?(answers)...

Top 8 Michael Ballack v Norwegian ref GIFs

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This one will run and run So here's the original GIF, in which Ballack hounds the ref after his penalty appeal was turned down. And click below to see the GIFtastic fun that some people are having with Ballack and...

Sorry Chelsea, there's no Uefa conspiracy theory here

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Chelsea's sour grapes do them no favours "The word conspiracy is maybe the wrong one. It's difficult when players are so high on emotion after a game. However, people are saying we shouldn't have reacted the way we did. But...

Video: Michael Ballack v Benny Hill

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Even semi-final heartbreak has a funny side Ballack Hill V Benny Hill Theme 2009 - Funny blooper videos are here Definitely one of my favourite moments of this season. Ballack's attempt to harrass the ref without actually laying a finger...

Sorry Chelsea, no Uefa conspiracy here

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Chelsea's sour grapes do them no favours "The word conspiracy is maybe the wrong one. It's difficult when players are so high on emotion after a game. However, people are saying we shouldn't have reacted the way we did. But...

Didier Drogba is a f**king disgrace

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The Drog loses it After Barcelona's late, late equaliser/winner at the Bridge last night, Didier Drogba was not a happy bunny. As the above video shows, he harrassed the ref, Tom Henning Ovrebo, calling the Norwegian ref's performance "a fucking...

Champions League goals: Chelsea 1-1 Barcelona (Essien, Iniesta)

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Two brilliant strikes bookend a fascinating tie... First up, Michael Essien swings his left peg to brilliant effect, to give Chelsea an undeserved lead inside ten minutes. Goal of the season? Probably. Then, with the final whistle seconds away, Andres...

Shit Lookalikes: Tom Henning Ovrebo and Yul Brynner

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Chelsea's favourite ref and Hollywood's favourite slaphead If he were alive today, I doubt Brynner would do a worse job of refereeing a football match than Ovrebo did last night. Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email me or leave...

Champions League cartoon capers: Tom (Henning Ovrebo) and Jerry (Michael Ballack)

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Chelsea's German midfielder chases inept Norwegian ref... Poor Ballack, ever the bridesmaid and edging ever closer to retirement. That's all folks! [Via Dirty Tackle]...

Let's all laugh at... Tim Lovejoy. He's "gutted"

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Chelsea's No.1 celebrity fan rages at the injustice of it all Immediately after Chelsea were knocked out by Barcelona, Tim Lovejoy posted up a video blog of his thoughts on the game (watch it here). Here are some things that...

Referee was right to send off Darren Fletcher, says Graham Poll. Was he?

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Ex-ref says Roberto Rosetti was right to show red card to Man Utd player That's right folks, Poll says Fletcher deserved to be sent off in last night's CL semi. The Scot will now miss the final. In his Daily...

Classic moments: Chelsea v Barcelona, Ronaldinho's wonder goal

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Ron wiggles his hips and BOOM! Unlike so many speculative wonder strikes from distance, Ronaldinho's goal at the Bridge required daring, cheek, pure instinct and vision - as Clive Tyldesley said, "You didn't see it coming". No other player could...

Chelsea v Barcelona: predict the score

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Athletic power v pure skill. Who ya got? Chelsea parked the bus at the Camp Nou and just about got away with it. Cue moans about negative football from the Barcelona camp. Fair enough, but there was no way Guus...

Video: Jeff Stelling merks diver Dani Alves

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Sky Sports legend tells it like it is Go Jeff. Glad someone has the balls to take the weasel Alves to task. Fine player, serial diver. Bonus vid! Jeff goes wild on Championship D-day......

Arsenal's FAIL cake

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May taste bitter... It's a moist sponge cake coated with disappointment and filled with false hope. Delicious....

Shit Lookalikes: Manuel Almunia and Gaear Grimsrud from Fargo

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Yah, real good now One likes pancakes, killing people and Marlboro cigarettes. The other is Arsenal's goalkeeper. Thanks to Kipp for this one. Yah. More Shit Lookalikes...

Arsenal 1-3 Man Utd, in quotes

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The best reaction to United's walk in the park "It was 11 men against 11 babies. We never doubted ourselves." Patrice Evra gets cocky after the event "It is the most disappointing night of my career. I felt the fans...

FAIL: Nicklas Bendtner's trousers fall down outside nightclub

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Dane drowns sorrows, loses pants Stay classy, Nicklas. At least he doesn't rock Y-fronts. Another pic after the click......

Top 10 conclusions: Arsenal 1-3 Man Utd, Champions League semi final

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Last night's game reviewed in handy list format 1. What sound does a one-armed man clapping make? Or the sound of a massive anticlimax? I imagine it's similar to the noise inside the Emirates after 11 minutes, when the game...

Football FAIL: Arsene Wenger, not so confident now

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Twenty-five minutes into last night's Champions League semi final, Arsenal's manager faces the harsh reality that his team is not yet good enough to compete at the highest level.

Arsene Wenger is sad

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Twenty-five minutes into last night's Champions League semi final, Arsenal's manager faces the harsh reality that his team is not yet good enough to compete at the highest level.

Football video: Arsenal 1-3 Man Utd, highlights

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Gooners, look away now My 10 conclusions on the match coming soon......

Champions League dreams: All I want is a Man Utd v Barcelona final

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Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me so that Manchester United play Barcelona in this year's Champions League final.

Transfer rumours: £63m Franck Ribery to replace Cristiano Ronaldo

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Alex Ferguson knows better than most that Cristiano Ronaldo may move to Real Madrid this summer. Fergie's first choice to replace C-Ron is Lionel Messi, but there's zero chance that Messi will swap Barcelona for Manchester.

Did Roman Abramovich lose his yacht in a poker game?

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Rumours abound that Roman Abramovich (pictured above, jumping off one of his yachts) lost a $500,000 yacht in a game of poker. Abramovich's people have denied the rumour: "The story is absolutely, completely, entirely false," said John Mann, a spokesman for Chelsea's owner.

Mexican footballer suspended for swine flu taunts

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A Mexican player has been suspended from South America's Copa Libertadores tournament, for pretending to cough and spit in an opponent's face - gestures interpreted as threatening to spread swine flu.

Football FAIL: goal celebration diver misses the target

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Deliberate FAIL, or not? You decide...

Arsenal v Man Utd: why is Arsene Wenger so confident?

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What does Arsenal's gaffer know that no one else does?

Quote of the day: Dimitar Berbatov wants to be Andy Garcia

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"Lots of people tell me that I look like him. He has actually influenced my choice of hairstyle and I have even studied the way he smokes so I can hold my cigarette in the same way."

Phil Neville will always love Man Utd

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Snapped as Everton beat Man Utd on penalties in last month's FA Cup semi final.

Forgotten wonder goals: Jeann Pierre Njanka, Cameroon v Austria, France '98

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Njanka's FWG deserved to win this World Cup group game for Cameroon, but Toni Polster equalised for Austria in the 90th minute, the party pooper.

Football video: Jose Mourinho scores wonder goal in training

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Yes, that Jose Mourinho Crunching tackle... check. Mazy dribble... check. Cool finish with outside of boot... check. Crap goal celebration... check. My favourite footy video in ages... check mate. [Via 101greatgoals]...

Gremlins

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In the handover from Shiny Media to Pies' new owners, the people behind the excellent Anorak, Pies is experiencing a few technical hitches. It's nothing serious - mostly related to comments and other stuff I won't bore you with -...

Joey Barton calls Alan Shearer a "shit boss" (he has a point)

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The tabloids claim that Joey Barton had a huge bust-up with Alan Shearer after Newcastle's 3-0 defeat at Anfield on Sunday. Barton was sent off for a mindless tackle (not the first time I've started a sentence in that way) on Xabi Alonso, prompting Shearer to break out the hairdryer after the match. Barton wasn't having any of it though.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1. Career path Tottenham, Middlesbrough, Everton, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest, Hull City (current) 2. Multiple choice How many England caps did Steve Bruce win? a) None b) Three c) Seven 3. Picture round Who dis?

Horror Hair: Anderson

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Should have got a Brazilian

Dumb football: Chelsea sell Robinho shirts before his deal was completed

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Blues left red-faced over yellow shirts

Liverpool latest football team to join Superleague Formula

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Reds sign another speedy Spaniard Liverpool have joined a host of other top football teams (plus Tottenham) in the football-meets-motorsport extravaganza that is Superleague Formula. Roma, AC Milan and Porto are among the clubs to sign up for the competition, which starts at Donington Park this weekend.

Shit Lookalikes: Fabricio Coloccini and Phil Thompson

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Perm + big nose = twins

Brazilian goalkeeper scores from his own penalty area

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Just look at Avia keeper Eduardo Martini frantically weighing up his options. He eventually settles on belting it as hard as he can, and I bet he is glad he did now. One of those bizarre kicks of the turf and a loop over the Parana keeper later, and Eduardo is a goalscoring hero.

The Thursday Limerick: Steve McClaren

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Oh Stevie Mac, when are you coming back?

Mass debate: Is 70-year-old Sir Alex Ferguson the best man to lead a Great Britain Olympic team?

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Ferg for London 2012?

Top Six: Premier League Russians

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The players (and owners) who came in from the cold

Top Six: Premier League sulkers

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The Prem's biggest bottom-lip bearers 1. Nicolas Anelka The man who is nicknamed Le Sulk is our inevitable number one. The original master of the enforced transfer saga that we have heard so much about this summer with Robbie Keane, Gareth Barry, Dimitar Berbatov etc.

Who the hell is... Lars Christian Jacobsen?

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Danish defenders for dummies, by Pies Name Lars Christian Jacobsen

FAIL! BBC reporter faces sack for Madrid air disaster joke

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Commentator discovers hard way that mass loss of life is not particularly funny

Football fashion crimes: Paul Scharner's red glasses

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Aside from the fact that his head and/or hair is a very odd shape, the most striking thing about Wigan Athletic's Paul Scharner prior to watching his side lose against Chelsea was his Elton John hand-me-down specs.

FAIL: Roman Pavlyuchenko's dodgy entrance to the country

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"Hi, mum! I'm famous," Even Gary Glitter didn't look this suspicious when his plane landed in the UK!

Top Six: Arsene Wenger excuses

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With the startling news in the wake of defeat Fulham that Arsene Wenger doesn't like excuses, we look at six of his best rational explanations 1."I did not see it."

Football Shorts: Michael Chopra checks into rehab, Steven Gerrard is crocked, Arshavin move back on, and more

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Some little news snippets to keep you going until dinner They tried to make him go to rehab and Michael Chopra said yes, yes, yes [Mirror]

David Beckham at the Beijing Olympics closing ceremony

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David Beckham took time out from being criticised by journalists on both sides of the Atlantic to overhit a pass to a Chinese Olympic organiser. Becks took part in the handover section of the closing ceremony as part of the London 2012 team. He appeared with Leona Lewis and Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page.

Steve McClaren's fake Dutch accent is back... woohoo!

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"We need to go in relaxsched, we need to go in with also belief." What? Steve McClaren's fake Dutch accent is on the go again. This guy is such a plonker. The accent is bad enough (there are loads of annoying people who accidentally imitate the accents of those they talk to), but to start rearranging your syntax.

Shit Lookalikes: Steve McClaren and the Joker from Batman: The Dark Knight

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Schteeve van der McClaren gets some more stick for his phoney Dutch accent and his similarity to the Joker from Batman.

Horror Hair: Phil Neville and his highlights

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Peroxide Phil

Top six conclusions: Champions League draw

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The high-rollers meet in Monte Carlo for draw 1. Liverpool are going to struggle. In their current form and up against PSV Eindhoven, Marseille and Atletico Madrid, it could spell trouble.

Wrexham striker Jefferson Louis drops the F-bomb on Setanta Sports

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Wrexham striker Jefferson Louis scores a lovely goal in his side's victory over Altrincham. He is substituted before the end and obliges the pitchside reporter with a frank analysis of why he came off. A little too frank for Setanta Sports' liking! This is the television gods punishing those who think it is acceptable to break away from the match to interview someone during the game.

Top 10 conclusions: Premier League weekend 23-24 August

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Summaries from the weekend action 1. The changed man of the week award goes to Arsene Wenger, who after defeat to Fulham proclaimed: "I don't like excuses." More conclusions after the jump...

10 conclusions: Champions League qualifying

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Musings on last night's European action 1. Liverpool have got problems. There is no fluidity or shape to the side and Rafa Benitez doesn't seem to know how to turn the situation around.

Football FAIL: Real Madrid 2-6 Barcelona

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Juande Ramos -Â I pity the fool... Oops. Perhaps Juande should have taken a leaf from Guus Hiddink's coaching manual. Yep, I just watched Barcelona crush - I mean CRUSH - Real Madrid 6-2 at the Bernabeu, in what must rank...

Football video: Cristiano Ronaldo's Champions League tantrum

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He's a baby, baby BABY! A couple of days late on this, I know, but then we've only went live on Friday. Cut me some slack here. Oh, and enjoy your bank holiday weekend....

Premocracy: should Man Utd play a weaker team against Middlesbrough?

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Man Utd play Boro this lunchtime, but it won't be a full-strength United who run out at the Riverside. Alex Ferguson has said he will rotate his squad, so one of Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney will be absent from the starting XI, possibly both. Kiko Macheda might start in Ronaldo's place, for example.

Shit Lookalikes: Paul Hart and Pingu's dad

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This one requires a leap of the imagination... Thanks to Sam Waller for the first Shit Lookalikes suggestion of the new Pies era. Great stuff Sam, though I think Hart looks more like Danny De Vito's Penguin from Batman Returns....

Horror Hair: Alexandre Pato is a skinhead

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This made the news in Italy Milan's Brazilian prodigy now has a Stephen Ireland-esque bonehead, thanks to the hairdressing skills of his girlfriend's brother. According to the clip below, Pato says he'd wanted to shave his head for a while,...

Football video: Sir Alex Ferguson misses his bus (but not really)

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If you didn't know, the source material is Fergie's disbelief that Mike Riley didn't award a penalty to Man Utd when Danny Welbeck was tripped by Everton defender Phil Jagielka in the FA Cup semi final.

Follow Pies on Twitter!

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Pies 2.0 has its own Twitter profile, of course. It's the craze that's sweeping the webnet, so I'm told by @StephenFry.

Top ten biggest dicks in the Premier League

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But who is the biggest of them all? By "Dick" I mean this definition: Vulgar A person, especially a man, regarded as mean or contemptible. So this isn't a list of heirs to the XXL throne of Dion Dublin, whose...

Chelsea's new home kit is still blue

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This is Chelsea's new home kit for the 2009/10 season. It's made by Adidas, it's sponsored by Samsung, and it's still blue (with white stockings) - in other words, it's pretty damn similar to the kit Chelsea have been wearing this season.

Sir Alex Ferguson moans about small Premier League dressing rooms

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Fergie finds something new to make his face go red Man Utd's manager wants new rules designed to increase the broom cupboard-like dimensions of some Premier League dressing rooms. The Scot thinks that some Prem clubs' away dressing rooms are...

Glenn Hoddle loves Kenny G. Hold that thought...

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Things that make you go... eeurgh, that's put me right off my dinner, No.1: On Monday, Glenn Hoddle was spotted at a Kenny G (the G stands for Git, apparently) concert at the Royal Albert Hall.