Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2008

Liverpool latest football team to join Superleague Formula

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Reds sign another speedy Spaniard Liverpool have joined a host of other top football teams (plus Tottenham) in the football-meets-motorsport extravaganza that is Superleague Formula. Roma, AC Milan and Porto are among the clubs to sign up for the competition, which starts at Donington Park this weekend.

Horror Hair: Anderson

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Should have got a Brazilian

10 conclusions: Champions League qualifying

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Musings on last night's European action 1. Liverpool have got problems. There is no fluidity or shape to the side and Rafa Benitez doesn't seem to know how to turn the situation around.

The Thursday Limerick: Steve McClaren

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Oh Stevie Mac, when are you coming back?

Football Shorts: Michael Chopra checks into rehab, Steven Gerrard is crocked, Arshavin move back on, and more

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Some little news snippets to keep you going until dinner They tried to make him go to rehab and Michael Chopra said yes, yes, yes [Mirror]

Shit Lookalikes: Fabricio Coloccini and Phili Thompson

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Perm + big nose = twins

Shit Lookalikes: Fabricio Coloccini and Phil Thompson

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Perm + big nose = twins

Top six conclusions: Champions League draw

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The high-rollers meet in Monte Carlo for draw 1. Liverpool are going to struggle. In their current form and up against PSV Eindhoven, Marseille and Atletico Madrid, it could spell trouble.

Dumb football: Chelsea sell Robinho shirts before his deal was completed

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Blues left red-faced over yellow shirts

FAIL: Roman Pavlyuchenko's dodgy entrance to the country

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"Hi, mum! I'm famous," Even Gary Glitter didn't look this suspicious when his plane landed in the UK!

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1. Career path Tottenham, Middlesbrough, Everton, Liverpool, Nottingham Forest, Hull City (current) 2. Multiple choice How many England caps did Steve Bruce win? a) None b) Three c) Seven 3. Picture round Who dis?

Dumb football: Tyrone Mears' fake loan to Marseille

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You can't Ty me down

Shit Lookalikes: Steve McClaren and the Joker from Batman: The Dark Knight

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Schteeve van der McClaren gets some more stick for his phoney Dutch accent and his similarity to the Joker from Batman.

The Wednesday WAG: Pamela Camassa

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Meet Alberto Aquiliani's ex-squeeze Camassa, a model and former Miss World contestant, used to date Italian midfield star Aquilani. Click on the image below to launch her gallery......

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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It's back! 1. Career path Valerenga, Rosenborg, Valencia, Besiktas, Lyon, Aston Villa (current) 2. Multiple choice In what year was Italy's Serie A founded? a) 1898, b) 1900, c) 1902, d) 1904 3. Picture round Who dis? (Clue: he has...

Top Six: Things we would like to see on Premier League opening weekend

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo in the crowd at Old Trafford in a Real Madrid replica shirt.

Prem Picks: predict the scores, win stuff!

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Predict the Premier League results. Can you do better than Pies? It's back and this time we have prizes! Each Friday this season, Pies will run Prem Picks - all you have to do is leave a comment with your...

Dumb football: Burnley v Ipswich match delayed due to parachutist on the roof

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The Championship match between Burnley and Ipswich kicked off late yesterday when a parachutist involved in a pre-match jump missed his target and landed on the roof of the Turf Moor stadium. There was more mayhem when the fire engine that came to rescue the stranded parachutist couldn't get into the ground because of parked cars.

Horror Hair: David James (Part 11)

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David James further secured his place in Horror Hair history by starting the new season with terrible chunky cornrows.

Top 10 photos: Premier League opening weekend

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The most striking images from the Prem's curtain-raiser Much more on Saturday and Sunday's games throughout the day on Pies. For now, enjoy these pictures. Click on the image to launch the gallery......

Top 10 conclusions: Premier League opening weekend

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Some random thoughts on the weekend's action 1. How do you expect me to concentrate fully on the Prem when the Olympics are still on? If the opening round of games felt a bit flat, that's because they had to...

Football video: Carlos Tevez and Anderson play Connect 4 & Jenga

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Brazil v Argentina, the board-game Olympics That's one tense game of Jenga... until Carlos throws his toys out of the pram....

Top Six: Premier League winners, 16-17 August

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Half a dozen heroes from the new season's first weekend Click on the photo to check out the list......

Gary Oldman has fine keepy-up skills (video out-take)

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Actor shows off his fancy footwork Thespian Gary Oldman was chosen to front ITV's campaign to promote its three-pronged football coverage (Champions League, FA Cup and England internationals) this season. We managed to get our hands on an out-take from...

Dumb football: Darren Huckerby is a LEGEND!

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A legend, do you hear me... Darren Huckerby facts: 1) He comes from the Northfolk team in north-east England 2) He's a legend 3) He's responsible for the Greatest Goal Ever 4) "Manchester" play in blue, it seems 5) He's...

Gay gold-diggers love Cristiano Ronaldo

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C-Ron voted "ultimate gay icon" An online survey of 3,000 gay men voted C-Ronaldo the ultimate gay icon. A spokeswoman for www.gaygolddiggers.uk.com said: "Ronaldo's ripped body, slicked-back hair, shiny white teeth and jewellery swung the votes his way. He looks...

Top Six: First week flops

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Who messed up in their opening match? 1. Manchester United We are sure Fraizer Campbell will become a very good player in his own right, but he is not ready to lead the line for the champions of Europe. Man Yoo did not look comfortable against Newcastle, and you don't want to be relying on Darren Fletcher to score your goals all season.

Olympic soccer watch: Argentine women latest to do the slant-eye

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How to offend one billion people First came Ronaldo at the 2002 World Cup. Then, in 2008, it was Spain's men's basketball team, followed closely by the Spanish tennis team. And now Argentina's Olympic women's footballers have been caught in...

Football video: Brazilian goalkeeper messes up backpass

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Internacional keeper Cleber seems to be angling for a move to Blackburn Rovers as Paul Robinson's understudy. You see, if Cleber was capable of dealing with a fairly strong knee-high backpass by cleanly volleying the ball upfield, he would probably be a candidate for the Internacional strikeforce. But he can't and he isn't.

Man City fans are getting fatter

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Proof, if proof be need be... "Shirts are more generous" is just a polite way of saying "our sorry collection of fat-fuck fans told us they couldn't even squeeze into an XXL shirt". I reckon these expanding City fans should...

Mass debate: Did Deco deserve a red card for his first tackle in the Premier League?

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Chelsea's Brazilian star goes over the top Online Videos by Veoh.com Seventy seconds into this clip, Deco makes his first ever tackle in the Premier League. It was the sort of reckless "over-the-top" challenge that earned several players a straight...

Pies Picks, 16/17 August: THE RESULT

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Whose crystal ball worked the best? Congratulations to Pies reader Dagnarus, who is the first winner of Pies Picks for this new season. He predicted that Man Utd would draw 1-1 with Newcastle, and also that Bolton would thump Stoke...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs. Some shirts are current, others older Answers after the jump......

Top Six: quotes of the week - Arsene Wenger swears!

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Arsenal boss drops the F bomb "If I go into a season and I say, 'For fuck's sake, if we don't win anything, they will all leave,' I have already lost. The problem of the media is always to imagine...

John Terry to go for gold in London 2012?

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Old-new England captain John Terry looks like he has got a chance of competing in the Olympics even if a Great Britain side do not enter the football tournament. The Chelsea man's post-Moscow penalty shootout trauma does make him look uncannily like a synchronised diver. For all his flaws on the field, we never thought JT could be accused of being a diver.

Rumours: Silvestre to Arsenal, Ivanovic to quit Chelsea, Fraizer Campbell back to Hull

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Who's going where, and who's not going anywhere... Baked-bean head Mikael Silvestre was reportedly undergoing a medical at Man City when he was informed that Arsene Wenger wished to sign him. 'Silvestre immediately abandoned the medical and hurtled down the...

David Beckham: the musical!

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West End to see a "Theatre of Dreams" show based on Becks? A songwriter is talking with West End producers about staging a musical based on the life of David Beckham. No suprise really - in fact, I'm surprised it...

Top Six: Things Fabio Capello looks for in an England captain

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Why John Terry is OK by F-Cap 1. Misses penalties An essential attribute for a true England leader. How can you fully command respect if you are coolly slotting your spot-kick home when all those around you are missing theirs?

Steven Gerrard has obsessive-compulsive disorder

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Stevie G cursed with OCD? Steven Gerrard is so obsessed with cleanliness he won't even walk barefoot on a beach, according to his wife Alex Curran. Recalling their first-wedding anniversary holiday to Miami in June, Curran said: "We didn't leave...

Top Six: quotes of the week - Arsene Wenger swears!

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Arsenal boss drops the F bomb "If I go into a season and I say, 'For fuck's sake, if we don't win anything, they will all leave,' I have already lost. The problem of the media is always to imagine...

John Terry to go for gold in London 2012?

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Old-new England captain John Terry looks like he has got a chance of competing in the Olympics even if a Great Britain side do not enter the football tournament. The Chelsea man's post-Moscow penalty shootout trauma does make him look uncannily like a synchronised diver. For all his flaws on the field, we never thought JT could be accused of being a diver.

Rumours: Silvestre to Arsenal, Ivanovic to quit Chelsea, Fraizer Campbell back to Hull

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Who's going where, and who's not going anywhere... Baked-bean head Mikael Silvestre was reportedly undergoing a medical at Man City when he was informed that Arsene Wenger wished to sign him. 'Silvestre immediately abandoned the medical and hurtled down the...

David Beckham: the musical!

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West End to see a "Theatre of Dreams" show based on Becks? A songwriter is talking with West End producers about staging a musical based on the life of David Beckham. No suprise really - in fact, I'm surprised it...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs. Some shirts are current, others older Answers after the jump......

Mass debate: Did Deco deserve a red card for his first tackle in the Premier League?

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Chelsea's Brazilian star goes over the top Online Videos by Veoh.com Seventy seconds into this clip, Deco makes his first ever tackle in the Premier League. It was the sort of reckless "over-the-top" challenge that earned several players a straight...

Pies Picks, 16/17 August: THE RESULT

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Whose crystal ball worked the best? Congratulations to Pies reader Dagnarus, who is the first winner of Pies Picks for this new season. He predicted that Man Utd would draw 1-1 with Newcastle, and also that Bolton would thump Stoke...

Gay gold-diggers love Cristiano Ronaldo

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C-Ron voted "ultimate gay icon" An online survey of 3,000 gay men voted C-Ronaldo the ultimate gay icon. A spokeswoman for www.gaygolddiggers.uk.com said: "Ronaldo's ripped body, slicked-back hair, shiny white teeth and jewellery swung the votes his way. He looks...

Top Six: First week flops

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Who messed up in their opening match? 1. Manchester United We are sure Fraizer Campbell will become a very good player in his own right, but he is not ready to lead the line for the champions of Europe. Man Yoo did not look comfortable against Newcastle, and you don't want to be relying on Darren Fletcher to score your goals all season.

Olympic soccer watch: Argentine women latest to do the slant-eye

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How to offend one billion people First came Ronaldo at the 2002 World Cup. Then, in 2008, it was Spain's men's basketball team, followed closely by the Spanish tennis team. And now Argentina's Olympic women's footballers have been caught in...

Football video: Brazilian goalkeeper messes up backpass

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Internacional keeper Cleber seems to be angling for a move to Blackburn Rovers as Paul Robinson's understudy. You see, if Cleber was capable of dealing with a fairly strong knee-high backpass by cleanly volleying the ball upfield, he would probably be a candidate for the Internacional strikeforce. But he can't and he isn't.

Man City fans are getting fatter

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Proof, if proof be need be... "Shirts are more generous" is just a polite way of saying "our sorry collection of fat-fuck fans told us they couldn't even squeeze into an XXL shirt". I reckon these expanding City fans should...

Football video: Carlos Tevez and Anderson play Connect 4 & Jenga

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Brazil v Argentina, the board-game Olympics That's one tense game of Jenga... until Carlos throws his toys out of the pram....

Top Six: Premier League winners, 16-17 August

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Half a dozen heroes from the new season's first weekend Click on the photo to check out the list......

Gary Oldman has fine keepy-up skills (video out-take)

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Actor shows off his fancy footwork Thespian Gary Oldman was chosen to front ITV's campaign to promote its three-pronged football coverage (Champions League, FA Cup and England internationals) this season. We managed to get our hands on an out-take from...

Dumb football: Darren Huckerby is a LEGEND!

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A legend, do you hear me... Darren Huckerby facts: 1) He comes from the Northfolk team in north-east England 2) He's a legend 3) He's responsible for the Greatest Goal Ever 4) "Manchester" play in blue, it seems 5) He's...

Horror Hair: David James (Part 11)

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David James further secured his place in Horror Hair history by starting the new season with terrible chunky cornrows.

Top 10 photos: Premier League opening weekend

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The most striking images from the Prem's curtain-raiser Much more on Saturday and Sunday's games throughout the day on Pies. For now, enjoy these pictures. Click on the image to launch the gallery......

Top 10 conclusions: Premier League opening weekend

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Some random thoughts on the weekend's action 1. How do you expect me to concentrate fully on the Prem when the Olympics are still on? if the opening round of games felt a bit flat, that's because they had to...

Top Six: Things we would like to see on Premier League opening weekend

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo in the crowd at Old Trafford in a Real Madrid replica shirt.

Dumb football: Burnley v Ipswich match delayed due to parachutist on the roof

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The Championship match between Burnley and Ipswich kicked off late yesterday when a parachutist involved in a pre-match jump missed his target and landed on the roof of the Turf Moor stadium. There was more mayhem when the fire engine that came to rescue the stranded parachutist couldn't get into the ground because of parked cars.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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It's back! 1. Career path Valerenga, Rosenborg, Valencia, Besiktas, Lyon, Aston Villa (current) 2. Multiple choice In what year was Italy's Serie A founded? a) 1898, b) 1900, c) 1902, d) 1904 3. Picture round Who dis? (Clue: he has...

Top Six: midfielders you could put in your fantasy football team

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Who's in your engine room? Pies picks six midfielders who will strengthen your fantasy XI 1. Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal) Pros Last season, Cesc added goals to assists. Set to improve this season. If fit, will surely play every league game....

Who will win the Premier League this season?

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That's all we want to know... Me, I'm going for Liverpool. Call me crazy if you want, I can't hear you. Who will win the Premier League this season? ( surveys)...

Football shorts: player unrest at Blackburn, Gareth Barry going nowhere, Wayne Rooney fit, Mutu must pay Chelsea £13m

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Friday's news and rumours Paul Ince struggling to make friends at Blackburn? [BBC] Martin O'Neill cup-ties Gareth Barry. Screw you, Rafa [The Sun] Wayne Rooney fit for Man Utd opener v Newcastle [Mail] Adrian Mutu ordered by Fifa to pay...

Uefa Cup rewind: Man City lose to unpronouncable Scandinavian team, Aston Villa do much better

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Mark Hughes embarrassed by home defeat Man City lost at home to Danish side FC Midtjylland in the first leg of their Uefa Cup qualifier last night. It's a rule in European football that you should always beat a team...

Prem Picks: predict the scores, win stuff!

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Predict the Premier League results. Can you do better than Pies? It's back and this time we have prizes! Each Friday this season, Pies will run Prem Picks - all you have to do is leave a comment with your...

Photos & video: Standard Liege 0-0 Liverpool, Champions League qualifier

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Pepe Reina saves penalty to spare The Pool's blushes Not the start Liverpool fans wanted. Liege should have won the game, but I can't see Rafa Benitez's team playing so badly in the return leg. Maybe Liverpool's ghastly green kit...

Dumb football: Steven Gerrard builds £350k monster gym in his back garden

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Stevie G's new gym is so big it has a different postcode to his house Gerrard's neighbours are not happy that the Liverpool skipper is building a f**k-off great gym in his f**k-off back garden. Some neighbours claim the flat-roofed...

Steve McClaren is one of those annoying people who can't help imitating foreigners when he's talking to them

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Either that or he has taken off to Holland to become a professional Arsene Wenger impersonator. This is hilarious. At one point he says: "We are what you call underdogs." No, Steve. You are the one who speaks English as a first language (allegedly); you are what you call underdogs.

Photos: FC Twente 0-2 Arsenal, Champions League qualifier

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Arsenal flatter to deceive, Steve McClaren stays a loser On the face of it, this is a very solid result for Arsenal. But in truth they were second-best to Twente for long periods of this scrappy game - 1-1 would...

Football video: FC Twente 0-2 Arsenal, Champions League qualifier

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Arsenal off to a winning start in the Champions League Scrappy first goal, neat set-up by Walcott for the second. Job done, can't see Twente coming back from that, although as I said in the post below, Arsenal were far...

Football shorts: Berbatov to Man Utd, Liverpool chase Polish winger, Hughes staying at Man City, Arsenal injury crisis

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Today's late-summer snacks Man Utd close in on Dimitar Berbatov. He'll be a United player in the next 48 hours [Sun] Man City boss Mark Hughes has dismissed reports he is set to quit Eastlands amid rumours that Thaksin is...

Shit Lookalikes: Carlos Cuellar and Jaws from James Bond

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Aston Villa's new signing from Rangers can't wait to get his teeth into the new Premier League season. Carlos Cuellar does share the same dentist as Jaws (and Ugly Betty).

Top Six: defenders you could put in your fantasy football team

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Who's got your back? Pies picks six defenders who will strengthen your fantasy XI 1. Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd) Pros The best central defender in Europe right now, and plays for the team that conceded fewer goals than any other...

Proof that Chinese sport has improved significantly

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No gold medals for this lot...

Arsenal could be f**ked against FC Twente

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Gooners decimated by injury for tonight's qualifier Arsenal go into the first leg of their CL qualifier without nine members of his first-team squad. The missing players are: Cesc Fabregas (hamstring), Samir Nasri (knee), Kolo Toure (hip), Philippe Senderos (hamstring),...

The Wednesday WAG: Gemma Atkinson, top 10 photos

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C-Ron's ex-squeeze, now dating Marcus Bent. That constitutes a relegation, surely? Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Jose Mourinho picks Steven Gerrard over Frank Lampard (in fantasy football team)

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Special One prefers Stevie G to Lamps That's right folks - when asked by the Daily Telegraph to choose his Fantasy Football XI, Jose Mourinho picked Stevie G in midfield ahead of Frank Lampard. Jose's other favourite Englishman, John Terry,...

WAG fashion crimes: Robbie Keane's wife and her silver heels

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Keano's missus braves Liverpool in tasteless shoes What the hell are those on Claudine Palmer's feet? They look like sci-fi stripper wedge heels - and they are mos' definitely NOT in this summer. Or any summer. As for Robbie, he...

FAIL! Ruud Gullit resigns as LA Galaxy head coach, Alexi Lalas sacked

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Galaxy do fine impression of collapsing star Well that went well. Ruud Gullit's Hollywood adventure lasted all of nine months, in which time he again proved that great players don't necessarily make great managers. Gullit resigned - was he pushed?...

Top Six: Pre-season surprise packages

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Don't peak too soon, son 1. Jack Wilshere We told you he was making an impression at the end of last season, and he has continued that form into the new campaign earning a place in Arsenal's first-team squad in...

OWNED! Cheerleader takes ball to face (with video)

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German girl takes one for the team He shoots... he misses... oh no he doesn't. [With Leather]...

Football video: Jeff Stelling celebrates James Brown's goal for Hartlepool

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Legendary Soccer Saturday presenter Jeff Stelling has started the new season in style. Now prepared for the goalscoring exploits of his beloved Hartlepool's James Brown, Stelling came prepared with a prop. And the Godfather of Soul didn't let him down...

Top Six: goalkeepers you could pick in your fantasy football team

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Who's the No.1 name on your fantasy team-sheet? If you are playing a Prem fantasy football competition this season, which goalies should you be scouting? Pies chooses six of the best: 1. Pepe Reina (Liverpool) Pros The Spanish slaphead is...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs. Some shirts are current, others older Answers below:...

Should Thierry Henry swallow his pride and sign for Man Utd?

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United desperately need another forward. But who? C-Ron is out for two months, Louis Saha is made of glass, Fraizer Campbell is too raw... the attacking back-up to Carlos Tevez and Wayne Rooney - neither of whom are orthodox strikers...

Top 10: Would-be Olympians

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A decathlon of footballers who should be in Beijing

Charity Shield classic: Leeds Utd 4-3 Liverpool, featuring a Cantona hat-trick

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One of the best Charity Shields of all time A seven-goal thriller from back in the days of King Eric, to whet your appetite for this Sunday's Community Shield between Man Utd and Portsmouth. What's that? You have no appetite...

Top 10 photos: Man Utd 0-0 Portsmouth (Man Utd win 3-1 on penalties), Community Shield

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United toothless up front but still claim first silverware of season Man Yoo owned Pompey for most of the game, but their lack of finishing power meant the game went all the way to pens. At which time Pompey totally...

Football video: Man Utd v Portsmouth, Community Shield & Spurs v AS Roma, friendly

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Watch Pompey choke at Wembley... Dire penalties by Lassana Diarra and Glen Johnson. Seriously, would you trust Glen Johnson in a penalty shoot-out? Bonus vid Watch Tottenham's 5-0 demolition of AS Roma below......

Football shorts: Man City meltdown, Stevie G's groin, Kevin Keegan in the dark, Olympic round-up, Diaby out for a month

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Monday's football brunch Steven Gerrard enjoys some groin love [The Spoiler] Man City boss Mark Hughes furious after Thaskin Shinawatra tries to sell Vedran Corluka and Stephen Ireland behind his back [Mirror] Arsene Wenger will be without injured Abou Diaby...

COMPETITION Caption lonely Cristiano Ronaldo, win a Premier League "Classic Matches" DVD box-set

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The best caption wins a five-disc DVD box set... Poor C-Ron: sat in the stands during Sunday's Community Shield, all alone and probably wishing he was in Madrid. Oh well, how much sympathy can you have for a man who...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs from the photos. Some are current strips, some from back in the day Answers below......

Olympic football photos: men's opening games (starring Brazil, Argentina and Italy)

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The best pics from the first round of matches in Beijing Brazil, Argentina and Italy all began their Olympic campaign with good wins. Hosts China could only manage a draw against New Zealand. Click on the image below to launch...

Football shorts: Chelsea bid £20m for Robinho, the new Queen of WAGs, Villa sign Shorey and Young, Rafa interview

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Friday's fun-sized selection Stevie G's missus named new Queen of the WAGs by Tatler magazine [Kickette] Chelsea table £19.7m bid for Real Madrid's Brazilian striker Robinho. Good luck with that [BBC] Aston Villa invest in a new pair of full-backs:...

Football video: underwater soccer ad

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Giving new meaning to term "waterlogged pitch" Spotted at Machochip...

Olympic football photos: women's opening games (starring USA, Brazil and Norway)

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Olympic ladeez in the house Highlights from the opening round of matches: wins for Norway (against the mighty USA) and hosts China, and a goalless draw between Germany and Brazil in a rematch of the last Women's World Cup final....

Football video: Michael Bradley OWNS Freddy Adu

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Much Adu about nothing Bradley 1-0 Adu....

Football video: Derby County's Benny Feilhaber mimes to Jordin Sparks' "No Air"

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The things footballers do... The Offside Rules has unearthed a great vid of Feilhaber miming to Jordin Sparks' poptastic hit "No Air". Of course, Benny had to film himself doing it. Watch the video...

Football shorts: Arshavin on strike, Freddie Ljungberg sacked, Clattenburg suspended, Ronaldo staying at Man Utd

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Today's top football stories, with added mayo West Ham United and Fredrik Ljungberg have parted company, with the Swede just one year into a four-year contract [Guardian] Referee Mark Clattenburg has been suspended pending enquiries into reports regarding his alleged...

Horror Hair: Fabricio Coloccini

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Fab Horror Hair stylings from the curly Argentine

Shit Kits: Hull City, 1994

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That's neat, that's neat, that's neat. that's neat, I really love your Tiger kit

Top Six: non-English players who could get in a British Olympic football team

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Once again, the four British home nations couldn't agree on sending a GB football team to the Oympics... ...But if they did agree to merge the nations, which non-English players would make the squad (bear in mind that all of...

Tottenham Hotspur join Superleague Formula motorsport series

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Spurs racing car to compete against other European football clubs Tottenham Hotspur are the first Premier League club to sign up to compete in the new Superleague Formula racing series. Spurs will line up alongside teams such as AC Milan,...

Photos: Man Utd 0-0 Juventus, pre-season friendly

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United draw blank against Claudio Ranieri's team Cristiano Ronaldo's ankle, Wayne Rooney's virus, plus injuries to Gary Neville, Owen Hargreaves, Michael Carrick and Ji-Sung Park have left Fergie with selection issues ahead of Sunday's Community Shield clash with Portsmouth at...

Shit Lookalikes: Kevin Keegan and Stevie Wonder

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I just called to say... those sunglasses went out of fashion in about 1990

FAIL: Rangers pay price for being one of the most negative teams in Europe

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Rangers out of Europe already Rangers slumped to a dismal 2-1 defeat at FBK Kaunas, meaning their European campaign is over in August - there is no drop into the Uefa Cup to fall back on. Honestly, if you can't...

Top Six: Craig Bellamy bust-ups

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Craig Bellamy is under investigation (again), this time for a row with a West Ham. Here are six of his best bust-ups

Shit Lookalikes: Kevin Keegan and Stevie Wonder

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I just called to say... those sunglasses went out of fashion in about 1990

The Wednesday WAG: Giorgia Palmas

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Italy's gift to the world of WAGs Giorgia Palmas, who goes out with Bologna midfielder Davide Bombardini, is a busy girl. It seems she rarely has time to put her clothes on, as this photo gallery shows. Click on the...

Dumb football: Napoli fans sues Inter Milan over TB jibes

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You only sing when you're not coughing

Dumb football: Napoli fan sues Inter Milan over TB jibes

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You only sing when you're not coughing

Football video: David Beckham gives advice to Cristiano Ronaldo... or not

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Beck stays on the fence, avoids Fergie's wrath In which our David adds his two cents to the Neverending Story that is the C-Ron transfer saga. And no, we don't know why he's holding a surfboard....

Football video: Peterborough 0-2 Man Utd, pre-season friendly

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Alex Ferguson gets one over on son Darren An own goal from Posh defender Russell Martin broke the deadlock just before half-time, before substitute Darron Gibson smashed home a great second for the visitors. Fergie (senior) was especially pleased with...

Football shorts: Thaksin considers Man City future, Cristiano Ronaldo to stay at Man Utd, Spurs fail in Dean Ashton bid

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Top of the morning to you... West Ham reject Tottenham's £15m offer for Dean Ashton. Spurs dodged a bullet there [Guardian] The C-Ron saga is finall over, says Fergie. The boy's staying [BBC] The long-term future of Man City is...

The real reason why Cristiano Ronaldo wants to go to Real Madrid

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Pies has it figured out... Why do you think C-Ron spent most of his summer on a sun lounger, slowly turning the colour of Nutella? It's obvious now: because he wanted to look as good as possible in the all-white...

Top Six: Craig Bellamy bust-ups

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Craig Bellamy is under investigation (again), this time for a row with a West Ham. Here are six of his best bust-ups

Banner of the week: Liverpool fans thank Rangers for their Manchester rampage

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You'll never brawl alone

Shit lookalikes: David Villa & Anthony Hutton, winner of Big Brother 6

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Spurs transfer target v annoying reality TV "star" Remember Anthony Hutton, the vain Geordie with a pea-sized brain? I hope not - there's absolutely no reason for you to. More shit (translation: amazing) lookalikes...

Real Madrid set a date to unveil Cristiano Ronaldo

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C-Ron is not coming back to Manchester According to Portuguese newspaper A Bola, Real Madrid have already set a date to present Cristiano Ronaldo to the world - and that date is August 15th. Put it in your diary. Madrid...

Football shorts: Blackburn seal Danny Simpson loan deal, Wes Sneijder out for three months, Craig Bellamy still a dick

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Tuesday's soccer-shaped smorgasbord Real Madrid midfielder Wesley Sneijder's knee injury will rule him out for three months, a relief to the player who had feared a longer absence. Tests showed Sneijder did not tear ligaments when he was challenged by...

Top 10 summer signings in the Premier League

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Who's done the best business in the off-season? Here's who... 10 Brad Friedel (Blackburn to Aston Villa) He's not far off 40 years old, but Hellboy is still one of the best 'keepers around. The rest of the list after...

Shit lookalikes: Victoria Beckham & Falkor from Neverending Story

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Posh v fictional luckdragon Uncanny, huh. Spotted at Totallylookslike.com...

Gallery: Top 10 photos from the weekend's friendly matches

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The best pics from the weekend's friendly action...

Liverpool should let overrated Xabi Alonso go to Arsenal

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Wenger wants Liverpool midfielder, but not for £18m asking price If Gareth Barry arrives to Anfield (90% certain now), Rafa Benitez will probably let Xabi Alonso go to Arsenal. And he should. Liverpool are asking for £18m for the Spanish...

Help Cristiano Ronaldo escape to Real Madrid

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This crazy game involves helping wantaway Cristiano Ronaldo to escape from hospital and the clutches of Sir Alex Ferguson to land his dream move to Real Madrid. The basic premise is that you use the elastic supporting C-Ron's knackered ankle to catapult him through the hospital window, picking up as many wads of cash as possible on the way.

Football video: Man Utd 1-0 Espanyol, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's testimonial

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2"OLE"GEND takes a well-deserved bow Man Utd legend Ole Gunnar Solskjaer had his testimonial at the weekend, against Espanyol. He came on for the last 20-odd minutes and despite his dodgy knees, still showed enough class to remind fans inside...

Top Six: Badge-kissers

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Half a dozen players with a penchant for slobbering on their shirt 1. Emmanuel Adebayor Got stuck in to his Arsenal badge after scoring against Real Madrid yesterday. That was despite rumours he has been seeking a move to AC Milan all summer and/or using such rumours to hold the club to ransom over a pay rise.

Football video: Chelsea thrash AC Milan 5-0

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Nicolas Anelka fills his boots against sluggish Italians Some clownish goalkeeping by Milan's giant Aussie, Zeljko Kalac, helped Chelsea rack up five goals against the Serie A team in Moscow at the weekend. Nicolas Anelka helped himself to four, with...

Dumb football: Paul Scharner's minimum fee release clause

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Paul Scharner is a fairly happy chappy. So happy, in fact, that he has just penned a new two-year deal at Wigan Athletic. But niggling away at the back of the big Austrian's mind is the idea that there is something bigger out there for him: that there is more to life than popping up with the occasional goal for the Latics.

Sepp Blatter denies Cristiano Ronaldo slave quote

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Sepp Twatter claims misquote Sepp Blatter has now denied ever saying his infamous Cristiano Ronaldo slavery quote. "I have never said that Ronaldo is a slave," Blatter told reporters on Wednesday during a visit to Vietnam. "But I said slavery...

Who the hell is... Sebastien Bassong?

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Newcastle's latest French centre-back...

Football shorts: Champions League draw, 15-match ban for Joey Barton, Wayne Rooney quizzed by cops over spitting incident

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Friday's fattiest scraps from the table we call "football" Wayne Rooney questioned by police after allegedly spitting at a paparazzo [Mirror] Lucky Steve McLaren, eh - his FC Twente team drew Arsenal in the Champions League. Check out the full...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs from these photos. Some are current strips, some from the past......

Top Six: Football spitters

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With Wayne Rooney being questioned by police for allegedly spitting at a photographer, Pies looks at six other footballers who thought it was better out than in

Horror Hair Free Zone: Nigeria Olympic Squad

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Coach judges dreads too distracting

Football video: Paul Robinson concedes first goal / drops first clanger for Blackburn

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Given the cold shoulder by England and Spurs, Blackburn's new £3.5 million signing Paul Robinson has been making lots of noises about rebuilding his career. But this video evidence of his Rovers debut make it look like Robbo is continuing as he finished at White Hart Lane. The mighty Northwich Victoria are the team making the former England number one look a mug.