Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2008

Football shorts: Joey Barton cut by Nike, David Bentley almost a Spurs player, Gareth Barry and the taxman, hot soccer babes

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Today's news, rumours & morsels Top five hottest women in the USA national team [Save the intern] Ex-con Joey Barton loses lucrative Nike boot deal [The Sun] David Bentley set for White Hart Lane medical after Spurs increase bid to...

Shit lookalikes: Gary Neville & Christian Bale

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G-Nev vs fighty Batman star Gary is like an uglier, wonky-nosed version of Bale, but you can see the resemblence, no? More Shit lookalikes...

Photos: Top 10 summer signings in pre-season action for their new clubs

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Shiny new players, in shiny new kits Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Wonder goals: Korean goalkeeper scores against Ivory Coast from inside own half

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It's happened again... What happened to the goalkeepers' union? It's just bad form to embarrass another goalie like this....

FAIL: Even poor African children snub Sunderland

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Something about seeing the words "Reg Vardy" in this environment made me laugh Childish, yes. Funny, ditto....

Shit lookalikes: Stephen Ireland & Stephen Ireland

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Has anyone seen this man's hair? Seems like Stephen Ireland had enough of the wig jokes and decided to break out the clippers. Wise move....

Mass debate: Newcastle Utd are wrong to keep Joey Barton

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Newcastle are fools to stand by Barton Joey Barton is a dick, a yob, a violent criminal, a nasty piece of work... whatever, he's the sort of Neanderthal you look to avoid on a Friday night out, because you know he...

Liverpool + Robbie Keane = Premier League contenders

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Keane is the final piece in Rafa Benitez's puzzle I've noticed that on a lot of football forums, both Liverpool and Spurs fans are claiming that Robbie Keane is past it; Spurs fans say it because they're sad to see...

Football shorts: Man Utd want Thierry Henry, William Gallas admits mistake, sunburnt Sven, Arsenal score ten

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Tuesday's tastiest soccer snacks Fergie may make shock £15m swoop for Thierry Henry, says the Daily Star William Gallas admits last season's tantrum at Birmingham was a "mistake". [Independent] Sven-Goran Eriksson should slap on some sunblock... [Monterrey Offside] Has Owen...

Photos: Man Utd 2-1 Portsmouth, pre-season friendly in Nigeria

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Premier League champs beat FA Cup holders in Africa Goals by Carlos Tevez, who also missed a penalty, and Chris Eagles saw United beat Pompey in a lively encounter in Abuja. Jermain Defoe scored an 89th-minute consolation for Harry Redknapp's...

Extra time: 21-25 July

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This week's most popular posts on Pies Valon Behrami's new WAG has the hotness Player booked for cynical foul on pitch invader Top six horse-face footballers C-Ron's amazing mahogany legs Chelsea too old to win the title? Top six ridiculous...

Shit lookalikes: Dimitar Berbatov & Paul Foot, stand-up comic

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Berby vs not-particularly-funny comedian Thanks to Charlie Constantinou for the fine spot. More Shit lookalikes...

Photos: Aston Villa 1-0 Odense (agg 3-2), Uefa Cup

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Villa reach final round of qualifiers This was a far more comfortable win than the score suggests, but any delight felt by Martin O'Neill in winning the tie will have been tempered by Wilfred Bouma's dislocated ankle (see picture). It...

Videos: Man Utd 2-1 Portsmouth, Aston Villa 1-0 Odense, Dundee Utd 1-5 Barcelona, Porto 0-1 Celtic

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Villa 1-0 Odense Great solo goal by Ashley Young to win the tie. More videos after the jump:...

Bayern Munich use dancing models to launch new kit (with video)

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Could you keep a straight face? Fcb trikot the musicalUploaded by goalbumbum In future, all news kits will be launched using the power of interpretive dance and hot models. For now, stand up and take a bow, Bayern Munich -...

OWNED: Being a football fan in Brazil is dangerous

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Shorts and flip-flops vs riot shields and batons... who you got? Take that, feisty lady dressed in flimsy summer clothes! [With Leather]...

The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs from these photos. Some are current strips, some from days gone by... Answers after the jump (no cheating)......

Football shorts: Beckham's All-Stars beat West Ham, Paul Robinson to Blackburn, Cesc Fabregas at Disneyland

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Friday's news balls Spanked by Yanks West Ham lost 3-2 to David Beckham's MLS All-Stars. [The Spoiler] Unsafe hands Spurs keeper Paul Robinson off to Blackburn in a £3.5m deal. Robbo will replace Brad Friedel, who is off to Aston...

Mass debate: should Aston Villa fans boo Gareth Barry?

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Villa captain booed during reserve game, but does he deserve it? Barry was booed and jeered by a section of Villa fans when he played for their reserves against Walsall a few days ago - the fact that Barry ended...

Gallery: Hibernian 0-6 Barcelona, pre-season friendly

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Hibs torn apart in Pep Guardiola's first match as Barca boss Having already been knocked out of the InterToto Cup earlier this month, Hibs' confidence is clearly low - not a great time to face Barcelona then. The vistiors gave...

Shit lookalikes: Cristiano Ronaldo and a New Jersey Guido

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C-Ron's tan reaching dangerous levels The Offside has noticed, brilliantly, that C-Ron is turning into an Oompa Loompa, and we don't disagree. He's also starting to look like a Guido. If you're not aware of Guidos (see photo, left, for...

Football video: bikini-clad cheerleaders dance at the 2008 Beach Soccer World Cup

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One reason why beach soccer rules... Fifa Beach Soccer Girls DanceUploaded by Machochip This half-time dance is simply awesome. Although our erection was rudely interrupted by the shot of Big Eric Cantona stroking his salt-and-pepper beard. So close your eyes...

Football video: Guangzhou 0-4 Chelsea

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Chelsea kick off China tour with easy win Chelsea's goals came from Salomon Kalou, Frank Lampard (a lovely chip from 20 yards), Franco di Santo and Shaun Wright-Phillips. The only negative for the tourists was a first-half injury to new...

Gallery: Orlando Pirates 0-1 Man Utd, pre-season friendly

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The best photos from United's second South African exhibition match Click on the image to launch the gallery (and watch Lee Martin's winning goal after the jump)......

Football shorts: Will Ferrell loves Chelsea, condoms for sock ties, Tainio to Sunderland, Andy Johnson to Fulham?

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Thursday's loveliest links WIll Ferrell hearts Chelsea The American funny man was spotted on Jon Stewart's Daily Show (there to promote new movie Step Brothers) wearing a Chelsea shirt. Go figure. [Unprofessional Foul] Safe soccer Some Cape Town footballers are...

Top Six: ridiculous Djibril Cisse looks

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We salute the most flamboyant man in football Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Who the hell is... Valon Behrami?

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The lowdown on West Ham's latest signing Name Valon Behrami Age 23 Nationality Swiss Position Winger Club history Lugano, Genoa, Lazio, West Ham Utd (current)...

Gallery: Middlesbrough 1-1 Celtic, pre-season friendly

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Pics from Boro's opening Algarve Cup (classy name) tie Click on the image to launch the gallery......

Mass debate: Chelsea too old to win the title?

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Fergie thinks so... do you agree with him? Alex Ferguson thinks Chelsea have too many thirtysomethings to challenge his squad of young bucks this season. The Man Utd boss said of Big Phil Scolari's team: "How can they accelerate beyond what...

Football video: Chelsea's Chinese training session, starring Frank Lampard

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Marvel at footballers and the way they train Chelsea fans, had you forgotten what your heroes look like? If so, click play and refamiliarise yourself with the likes of F-Wank Lampard and Nicola Anelka. But not Didier Drogba, as he's...

Football shorts: Parsnip crisps, Ribery as Pacino, ugly kits, crazy shirt numbers

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This morning's soccer-shaped snacks Football gastronomy English clubs ditch the sloppy pies and Bovril, and replace them with parsnip crisps and fresh pasta. [Guardian] Shit Lookalikes Franck Ribery as Al Pacino in The Godfather. Nope, we don't see it. [The...

Football video: Columbus Crew vs West Ham, the battle of the Nordecke

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Footage from pre-season scrap Parts two, three and four after the jump......

FAIL: Cristiano Ronaldo's orange tan & white sneakers

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Man Utd star looks more of a dick than ever... Holy moly, has C-Ron been bathing in a mixture of Sunny Delight and baby shit? That is one fierce orange tan, even for a Mediterranean gigolo. FAIL... in a large...

Top Six: Football stars who are definitely not for sale. Maybe.

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Read our lips: these players are NOT for sale Click image below to launch gallery......

Gallery: Man Utd's tour of South Africa

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Pics from United's pre-season tour Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Football videos: Kaiser Chiefs 1-1 Man Utd, Vodacom Challenge pre-season friendly

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South African club holds United to draw In which Chris Eagles far-post header spares United's blushes....

Football videos: Kaizer Chiefs 1-1 Man Utd, Vodacom Challenge pre-season friendly

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South African club holds United to draw In which Chris Eagles far-post header spares United's blushes....

Gallery: Kaizer Chiefs 1-1 Man Utd, Vodacom Challenge

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The best images from Man Yoo's first friendly in South Africa Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Gallery: Fulham 3-1 Celtic, pre-season friendly

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A good win for Roy Hodgson's new-look Cottagers Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Football videos: Justin Timberlake smells David Beckham's foot

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"Yep, smells like $250m to me..." Mr JT (not John Terry, but the talented Timberlake) wowed guests - including Posh & Becks and C-Ron - at the ESPY sports awards ceremony last week. Here he is embarrassing the shit out...

Top Six: horse-faced footballers

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Yeah, it's a slow news day & I'd rather blog about footballers with long, equine heads than more bullshit transfer rumours Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Pre-season football videos: Barnet 1-2 Arsenal, Wisla Krakow 1-1 Liverpool

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Highlights from both Arsenal and Liverpool's weekend friendlies... Barnet 1-2 Arsenal Meh. Not too much learned from this....

Gallery: Barnet 1-2 Arsenal - photos of the Gunners' in pre-season action, including Aaron Ramsey's debut

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Arsenal sneak friendly win over north London neighbours Nothing much to report from the game, which was played in an over-friendly spirit - Barnet don't want to do anything to jeopardise this lucrative fixture, clearly. Aaron Ramsey made his Arsenal...

West Ham's US tour turns ugly as fans brawl during Columbus Crew "friendly"

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British fans show the Yanks how to do it A tasty half-time scrap between more than 100 fans was the talking point of West Ham's 3-1 win against Columbus Crew in Ohio on Sunday. The trouble began when a small...

WAG Watch: Elena Bonzanni, Valon Behrami's hotter other half

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Meet the best thing about Swiss football Click image below to launch the gallery of Behrami's hotter-than-your-girlfriend girlfriend......

Dumb football: Czech star booked for foul on pitch invader (with video)

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Political correctness gone mad! In which Spartak Moscow defender Radoslav Kovac takes out a topless fan, with a beautiful professional foul, and then gets booked for his vigilante behaviour. [Via The Spoiler]...

Spurs can't afford to lose both Robbie Keane & Dimitar Berbatov

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With Liverpool & Mun Utd circling, Spurs must keep at least one of its star strikers It seems very likely that Berbatov will sign for Man Utd this summer: Fergie wants him - the Utd boss has "good expectations" that...

NEW! The Super Shirt Quiz

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Name the six clubs from their shirts (some are old, some current). Answers after the jump...

Luzern 1-2 Liverpool, pre-season friendly (video of both Liverpool goals)

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Rafa Benitez's team eases to away win Liverpool scored a useful win in the first game of its pre-season tour of Switzerland. Rafa rested star men Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres, and made a stack of substitutions (eight in all),...

Gallery: EB Streymur 0-2 Man City, Uefa Cup

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City start European campaign with solid win Sparky Hughes will be relatively happy to come away from the Faroe Islands with a win and a clean sheet. Fine goals by Martin Petrov and Dietmar Hamann - his first in more...

Cristiano Ronaldo: I may play for LA Galaxy one day

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... Of course he won't, he's just being polite Yeah, like C-Ron would ever play in MLS. Although he does seem to like the sunshine and red-carpet lifestyle, so LA could suit him. You never know... damn, I wanted to...

AC Milan present Ronaldinho at San Siro (with video)

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Italian giants put on show to unveil past-it Brazilian Talk about stoking a player's ego. AC Milan went the whole hog for its official presentation of new signing Ronaldinho: tickertape, smoke, a full San Siro, a bunch of kids sat...

Gallery: Man City train for Uefa Cup qualifier vs EB Streymur

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Relax, meaningful football is back after several long weeks Man City take on EB Streymur (of the mighty Faroe Islands) in ther first round Uefa Cup qualifier tonight. Sparky Hughes has picked his strongest squad for his first game in...

Dumb Football: Steve Bruce has signed the No.1 striker in the world

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Wigan sign FIFA's top-rated striker. Who is he? Steve Bruce claims to have signed the best striker in the world, on loan for £1m. Find out the identity of this world-class star after the jump......

WAG Gallery: Danielle Bux is the new face of La Senza underwear

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A few photos of Gary Lineker's WAG for your enjoyment Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Football video: AC Milan fans welcome Ronaldinho

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"Holy shit, that's a horrible shirt!" scream hundereds of Milanese And you wonder why he chose sunny Milan over grey Manchester....

Football fashion crimes: Ronaldo's cream suit & crutches combo

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C-Ron takes to the red carpet in LA Ronaldo looks like a total Jersey Guido in this photo. In other words, he looks so vain and cocky that you want to kick away his crutches and mess up his hair....

Shit Lookalikes: Ronaldinho & Lil Jon, the Crunk King

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Fat-Ron shows off latest clown suit I find it difficult to believe that AC Milan would take a gamble on the clownish Ronaldinho, even at a cut-price £16.6m - a couple of years ago, he would have cost three times...

Gallery: Macclesfield Town vs Blackburn Rovers, Paul Ince's first game in charge

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A few pics for you from Rovers' first game under the Guvnor Click on the image below to launch the gallery......

Where did all the summer transfers go?

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Is this the quietest summer for transfers since the Premier League began? I've never known a summer quite like it, at least not since the dawn of the Premier League. The back pages of the tabloids have been overflowing with...

Football shorts: Alex Hleb definitely off to Barcelona, not much else to report

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Belarusian finally gets his way Alexnder Hleb underwent a medical at Barcelona today, ahead of his £11.9m move to the Camp Nou. Unless one of Hleb's legs falls off, the deal is in the bag. Barcelona confirmed the deal for...

Football videos: Petr Cech, hatless & happy his nightmare 2007/08 season is behind him

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Luckless Chelsea stopper interviewed in pre-season I'd forgotten what Petr 'Lucky Man' Cech looked like without a protective cap. Anyhoo, here's the Czech, in bouncy mood (Czech... bouncy... oh forget it) for Chelsea TV ahead of the new season....

Gallery: Michael Ballack's wedding to WAG Simone

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German captain weds his long-time girlfriend. We have the photos Click on the image below to view the full gallery......

Football videos: Remi Gaillard has inventive street skills

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French trickster takes to the streets FOOT 2008 (REMI GAILLARD)Uploaded by nqtv Gaillard is a useful player (Doncaster, Sheff Wednesday and Southampton have reportedly shown an interest in signing him), but he is better known in his native France as...

Gallery: Goal4Africa charity football match for Nelson Mandela

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A few pics from the charideee game... Clarence Seedorf and Michael Ballack captained the two teams for Goal4Africa's charity match in India recently. Seedorf's team was called 'Edu' (not after the ex-Arsenal midfielder), while Ballack's team was called 'Cation'. No,...

Gareth Barry team wars: Arsenal vs Liverpool

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Now Arsenal want a piece of Villa's captain. But which team is best for the coveted midfielder's club career? Arsene Wenger is considering a last-ditch bid to snatch Gareth Barry from Aston Villa. Liverpool have had several offers for Barry...

Gaydar: Spurs players frolic in the sea

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Putting the hot into Hotspur In which Tottenham's hairless wonders, decked out in nothing but team-issue shorts, lark about in the sea on a team-bonding exercise. A couple more pics this way......

Football fashion crimes: 80s beachwear, by Fernando Torres

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Club Tropicana, drinks are free... Here's Nando (aka the palest Spaniard in history), looking for all the world like George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley's former band-mate. Mirror shades, check; tiny pastel shorts, check; crotch grab with attitude, check. [Kickette]...

Football videos: Aberdeen 0-2 Man Utd (goals by Carrick and Rooney)

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Extended highlights of Man Yoo's first pre-season friendly A few thoughts: 1. Good to see Gary Neville back in action. 2. Paul Scholes looks very fresh. 3. Great slide-rule pass from Carrick for the penalty. 4. Why were United wearing...

Football videos: Tranmere Rovers 0-1 Liverpool (Yossi Benayoun's goal)

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Rafa Benitez's team scores narrow win in first pre-season game Stevie G and team-mates went back to school and snatched a cheeky away win against Tranmere, thanks to this sweet goal by Yossi Benayoun. Watch the goal after the jump......

Gallery: Man Utd's friendly vs Aberdeen

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The best photos from United's 2-0 pre-season win against Aberdeen Click the image below to view the full gallery......

Euro 2008 videos: air hostesses dance to the Macarena on Spain's victory flight

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... And Pepe Reina proves that he's a bit hyperactive This is one airline I want to fly with. Usually, the cabin crew pull some very tedious air safety shit. However, Pepe "Mad Dog" Reina is not a man I'd...

Gaydar: Philipp Degen, Liverpool's new right-back

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Athtlete + vest = 98% gayness Degen looks like one of the men who might feature in a late-night advert for a gay chat phoneline....

Shit Lookalikes: Diego Forlan & Fenella the witch from Chorlton and the Wheelies

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Her fez seems familiar For me, Fenella remains one of the scariest children's characters ever created - something about the shrieking Welsh accent and living in a giant steam kettle, I think. Much like Fenella, Forlan has the capacity to...

Football fashion crimes: Sergio Ramos's gold beach shorts

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Spanish defender goes for gold... and fails He doesn't fail really - we're just getting a little tired (translation: jealous as hell) of seeing photos of footballers soaking up the sun whilst surrounded by girls in bikinis. Yes, it is...

Lionel Messi: great player, not such a hot underwear model

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Barcelona star has a big old ass He may be one of the best players in the world, but little Leo Messi has a long way to go before he can take on the likes of David Beckham and Freddie...

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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More brain pain... 1. Career path Aalesund, AS Monaco, Liverpool, Roma (current) 2. Multiple choice Which football figure controversially suggested in 2004 that female footballers should wear tighter shorts? a) Lennart Johansson, b) Rodney Marsh, c) Sepp Blatter, d) Joao...

Gallery: Liverpool unveil new signings Phillip Degen & Andrea Dossena

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Meet Liverpool's new defenders... Click on the image below to view the full gallery...

Who the hell is... Luis Garcia, Spurs' prospective new striker?

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All you need to know about Tottenham's latest transfer target Name Luis Garcia (not to be confused with the player who sucks his thumb and used to play for Liverpool) Age 27 Nationality Spanish Club history Real Murcia, Mallorca, Espanyol...

Top Six: photos of Sepp Blatter looking like a total dick

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Football's undisputed King of Fools, doing what he does best (i.e. acting like a prize twat) More of Sepp Pratter below......

Shit Kits: Bolton's new home kit

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Trotters make a pig's ear of new shirt

Top Six: Promising youngsters on the move

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The best transfer talent straight outta nappies

Who should Liverpool sign to replace Peter Crouch?

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Rafa Benitez desperately needs another striker. Tell him who... Now that Peter Crouch is heading back to Portsmouth, Liverpool are looking a little thin up top. Rafa Benitez (also looking a little thin up top) thinks he has enough forward...

The Thursday Limerick: Joey Barton

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Pies tries its hand at a spot of simplistic poetry

Shit Lookalikes: Luka Modric and Johan Cruyff

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Spurs' new wonderboy looks a lot like Dutch legend Let's get this SLAL out of the way before the new season begins. It's been said before, and we'll say it again: Modric does bear more than a passing resemblence to...

There's Only One: Phil Masinga

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Bringing yesteryear's sticker album randoms into the 21st century

Gallery: Free Kick Masters 2008

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A selection of photos from Saturday's $1m dead-ball competition Click on the photo below to launch the gallery......

Top Six: stars who have waved goodbye to the Premier League

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Who's headed for sunnier climes this season? 1. Mathieu Flamini (Arsenal to AC Milan) Arsene Wenger didn't have the cash to keep Cesc's midfield buddy at the Emirates. AC Milan stepped in with a better offer, then failed to reach...

Football fashion crimes: Ronaldinho's XXXL baggy shorts

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Word to Ron: baggy clothes don't hide the fact you're out of shape Here's Fat-Ron at a recent charity event in Sao Paulo, looking more like a goofy cartoon character than a world-class athlete. Such a shame that he decided...

Football videos: drunk Belarusian ref too pissed to leave pitch on his own

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Give this guy a medal... and a kebab At first it looks like referee Sergey Shmolik was having back trouble. But then all became clear: Mr Shmolik had enjoyed something a little stiffer than a cup of tea at half-time...

Football videos: Annoying Australian woman hassles Frank Lampard & WAG on holiday

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In which Frank reveals he broke a treadmill because he was too fat fast Stalker alert, stalker alert. [Via The Spoiler & 101 Great Goals]...

Uefa Cup to be rebranded as Europa League. Because what football needs is a second-class Champions League

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Uefa Cup to get shiny makeover. Yawn The UEFA Cup is set to undergo a dreaded re-branding in a bid to raise the competition's profile, according to Bayern Munich chief Karl-Heinz Rummenigge. The ex-German international is the chairman of the...

Football shorts: Sidwell to Villa (definitely), Adebayor to Milan (maybe), and other spherical snacks

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Today's hottest news, rumours and lies have a three-chilli rating Aston Villa are very close (medical permitting) to signing Chelsea misfit Steve Sidwell (pictured) for £5m, as direct replacement for outgoing captain Gareth Barry. Who wants to point out to...

Football videos: Russian honey discusses the origins of football/soccer/whatever

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Pies continues to scrape the YouTube barrel... because it's mid-July, there's no proper football worth talking about, and we can't be arsed to recycle transfer rumours This cheap attempt to garner more hits is brought to you with a tip of...

Big Phil Scolari walks into Frank Lampard-shaped shitstorm

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New Chelsea boss bamboozled by Lamps saga Big Phil: "Frank wants to stay. Very good, yes." Lamps: "That's news to me: unless Chelsea give me a five-year contract, I'm off to Inter."...

FAIL of the week: Lionel Messi is rubbish at free kicks (with video)

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World's best player flops at Free Kick Masters ESPN reported that both Lionel Messi and Ronaldinho demanded first-round byes in the Free Kick Masters, a gimmicky even held in Houston on Saturday. The free pass didn't help either Brazilian though...

Was the 1966 World Cup fixed?

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Former FIFA president Joao Havelange claims that England's greatest footballing moment was suspicious In a recent interview with Brazilian newspaper Folha de Sao Paulo Havelange (a Brazilian) claimed that referees assigned to Brazil's games in the 1966 World Cup finals...

Football videos: the Downfall of Reading FC

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Featuring Nazis and bad language (apart from that, it's safe for work) Favourite reference? QPR and their "sellotape hoops". Maybe I'm easily pleased, but I can never see too many dubbed Downfall/football clips....

Top six transfer rumours, 8 July: starring Darren Fletcher, Peter Crouch and Steve Sidwell

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Another day, another batch of rumours 1. Darren Fletcher & Diego Milito to Everton Man Utd's Scottish international and Real Zaragoza's Argentine striker are high on David Moyes' wanted list. Andy Johnson could be sold to fund the double deal....

Dumb Football: Crystal Palace teenager reveals transfer secrets on Facebook

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Fail of the week! As revealed in today's soaraway Sun, Crystal Palace winger Ashley-Paul Robinson, 19, accidentally posted two messages on Facebook revealing he was having a trial with London rivals Fulham. But rather than restrict the news to his...

Shit Lookalikes: Daniel Craig (aka James Bond) & Frank Lampard

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The name's Frank... Fat Frank If you squint, and close one eye, then Lamps could just about double for buff 007. I know F-Wank is not fat, not at all, but compared with the ultra-trim Craig, he looks like he...

Frank Lampard, should he stay or should he go? And do you car?

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Inter open negotiations with Chelsea Internazionale have reportedly sent a fax (old school!) to Chelsea to kick-start their bid to sign F-wank Lampard. Here's the thing: I find off-season transfer rumours just about the most tedious aspect of modern football....

Frank Lampard, should he stay or should he go? And do you care?

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Inter open negotiations with Chelsea Internazionale have reportedly sent a fax (old school!) to Chelsea to kick-start their bid to sign F-wank Lampard. Here's the thing: I find off-season transfer rumours just about the most tedious aspect of modern football....

Top Six: famous football Judases

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Judas! Judas! Judas! 1. Harry Kewell to Galatasaray Leeds Utd fans are incensed that one of their former stars has signed for the club they hate almost as much as Man Utd - as you probably remember, two Leeds fans...

Gallery: Top six most wanted transfer targets, 4 July

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Who's top of European clubs' shopping lists? Here's who... (click on the image below to view the gallery)...

Football videos: Guy Ritchie's Nike ad, the full director's cut (with vomiting)

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The best thing Madonna's bloke has ever done? This full version of Nike's "Take it to the next level" campaign, which is centered around the rise of a mysterious young Arsenal star, features WAGs, flash cars, random vomiting and some...

Gallery: Top 10 photos of footballers on summer holiday

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The things players get up to in their down time... (click on image below to view gallery)...

Man Utd rumours: Eric Cantona in, Carlos Queiroz out?

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King Eric to reclaim Old Trafford throne? With Carlos Queiroz lined up to replace Big Phil Scolari as coach of the Portuguese national team, Fergie will need a No.2. According to the ever-reliable Sunday Express, a friend of Cantona's says...

Mass Ajax shirt swap

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Get your kit off This amusing video, shot in the centre of Amsterdam, celebrates the launch of Ajax's new adidas kit. (We know who we'd like to swap with.)...

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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It's that time again... 1. Career path West Bromwich Albion, Aston Villa, Middlesbrough, Rangers, Sheffield Utd (current) 2. Multiple choice Which English club has the most outright Community (formerly Charity) Shield wins? a) Man Utd, b) Liverpool, c) Arsenal, d)...

Aston Villa's new home kit leaked

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Unofficial pic of Villa's home shirt for 08/09 This is the new Aston Villa home kit, with new sponsor Acorns - or rather, Villa have given up a lucrative sponsorship deal to support the West Midlands-based children's charity. An admirable...

Gallery: Daniel Alves signs for Barcelona

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A picture gallery of Barca's new Brazilian being unveiled at the Camp Nou... (click on image to view the whole gallery)...

Top Six: Exports to Turkey

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The greatest Ottoman ex-pats 1. Colin Kazim Richards CKR - the Coca Cola Kid - not only made himself at home in Turkey, he bagged a Champions League goal for Fenerbahce against Chelsea and broke into the Turkish national team.

Horror Hair: Marvin Emnes, Middlesbrough

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the Premier League the Horror Hair talents of Marvin Emnes. Middlesbrough's new signing's receding afro hairline is begging for a keep-it-simple grade one all over. But no, this 20-year-old isn't going to bald himself before his time. He's gone for the backcomb, displaying his copious forehead in all its splendour.

Football fashion crimes: Thierry Henry's Tie-shirt

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Barca star snapped wandering around NYC, looking for new club It's not a fashion crime as such, simply because Henry manages to look good in just about anything (bastard) - that includes an ironic t-shirt, accessorised with old-school high-top sneakers....

Top Six: Chelsea players who won't last under the regime of Big Phil Scolari

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Who's on their way out of Stamford Bridge? 1. Shaun Wright Phillips SWP can't hold down a first-team place at Chelsea, and that won't change under Scolari, I predict - Wright-Phillips doesn't feel like a Big Phil type of player....

New Arsenal away kit echoes 1988/89 league winners

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Gooners look to the past for new Nike away strip An official photograph of Arsenal's new away kit has been leaked on the worldwide web. The shirt is yellow with navy sleeves and red piping, which is reminiscent of Arsenal's...

Liverpool's Pepe Reina is the best public speaker in the Premier League (with video)

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Spanish stopper has big future as after-dinner speaker At Spain's Euro 2008 celebration parade in Madrid, Pepe grabbed the mic and didn't let it go. He told several jokes - we're sure they were funny, if you understand Spanish -...

Man City unveil record signing: Brazilian striker, Jo (with photos and video)

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Sparky makes his first signing Mark Hughes hasn't wasted much time in strengthening Man City's sketchy forward roster. Today he unveiled Jo, signed from CSKA Moscow for a "club record" undisclosed fee. In his Moscow days, Jo looked like a...

Man City unveil record signing: Brazilian striker Jo (with photos and video)

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Sparky makes his first signing Mark Hughes hasn't wasted much time in strengthening Man City's sketchy forward roster. Today he unveiled Jo, signed from CSKA Moscow for a "club record" undisclosed fee. In his Moscow days, Jo looked like a...

Fat Ronaldinho, still a half-decent player (with video)

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Lardy Brazilian ex-genius still has some skills Fat-Ron, unwanted by Barcelona, showed he still has some magic left in his feet in a comeback friendly, against a Lionel Messi representative game. In his 56 minutes on the pitch, Ron scored...

Football videos: Spain gracious in victory... or not

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It had been a long time since Spain won anything, so I suppose you can forgive them for forgetting how to enjoy victory in style. Unfortunately, here they are congaing through Bastian Schweinsteiger's post-match interview - not just one way, but again the other way! Poor Pigfarmer looks ready to cry.

Who the hell is... Jonas Gutierrez?

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Acquaint yourself with Spiderman Name Jonas Gutierrez Age 24 (25 on Saturday) Nationality Argentinian Club history Vélez Sársfield, Real Mallorca, Newcastle United (current) Position Winger

Shootout: Liverpool vs Chelsea, new Adidas away kits

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Two of the Prem big four debut their new on-the-road wear Liverpool and Chelsea have both officially unveiled their new away kits for the coming Premier League season. Liverpool's, as sported by Stevie-G, is silver and bound to divide opinion...

Football vs basketball: Wayne Rooney hangs with Lebron James

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Yes, he's still on honeymoon... zzzzz W-Roo has been honeymooning in Vegas with Colleen for several years, seemingly, and he's still out there, soaking up the sunshine, betting it all on red, and mingling with the stars. On Saturday night...

RTE show the correct way to deal with Euro 2008's electrical storm

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Dunphy, Brady and co. emply the power of heated debate, when TV coverage of Germany's semi final againt Turkey was interrupted by bad weather You know that RTE's pundits could easily keep talking for a whole 90 minutes, if they...

Euro 2008/Premier League Matchmaker: 20 new players for the Premier League

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Finding the Lonely Hearts of Euro 2008 the perfect home in the Premier League Arsenal - Artur Boruc Poland's keeper was in top form during the competition and a move to a top four club could be enough to tempt him away from Celtic. The Gunners - with Jens Lehmann on his way out - could be interested.

Football videos: Fernando Torres was scoring goals at 12

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This video shows El Nino when he was literally El Nino. Fernando Torres has clearly been scoring classy goals ever since he was 12 years old. The only difference is then he did it with a dodgy basin cut and now he does it with a dodgy ginger strawberry blond mullet. Torres grabs two goals in this match between the Atletico Madrid and AC Milan youth teams in 1996.

Off season: Francesco Totti loves the ladies

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...And the ladies love Totti This is how I imagine a superstar footballer spends his summer break. Another pic after the break......

David Beckham has fishy breath & scorched Golden Balls

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More ridiculous rumours from Beckhamworld Rumour 1 Becks has stinky fish breath, due to the fact he takes fish oil tablets every day - he's contracted as the face of Go3 Omega-3 supplements, and reportedly loves the energy the tablets...

Who the hell is... Johan Elmander?

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Pies' cut-out-and-keep guide to Bolton's £10m striker Name Johan Elmander Age 27 Nationality Swedish Club history Holmalunds, Orgryte, Feyenoord, Brondby, Toulouse, Bolton Wanderers (current) Position Centre-forward. Is he any good? He started two of Sweden's group games at Euro 2008,...

The YouTube hat-trick: Deco

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Three of the best videos to give you a flavour of Chelsea's newest star 1. Deco and C-Ron play football tennis Do I have to have this show pony on my team? More below......

Kit Parade: Newcastle United away kit 2008/09

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For extensive use during all those kit clashes with West Brom and, erm...

CCTV footage of the assault which put Joey Barton behind bars

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This is the shocking CCTV footage which saw Newcastle's Joey Barton locked up for six months. It was released by police after Barton admitted that he also assaulted ex-Manchester City team-mate Ousmane Dabo during a training ground incident. He will be sentenced for that offence later today. Do you think Newcastle can continue to stand by Barton?

Football videos: Euro 2008 star Xavi takes on Lionel Messi at ten-pin football

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Barca stars flout bowling alley rules In which Xavi, Euro 2008's Player of the Tournament, takes on Barca team-mate Lionel Messi at ten-pin football....

Euro 2008 Top 10 photos: Spain return home as Kings of Europe

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Jesus, don't give Old Man Aragones the bumps again! More below......

Football maths: Chelsea + Deco - Frank Lampard = a good deal?

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Chelsea sign Deco. Looks like Lamps is off to Inter then Today is Big Phil's first official day as Chelsea boss. His first signing was Deco, Portugal's Brazilian playmaker. Deco has signed from Barca on a two-year deal, for a...

Made-up football rumours: John Terry to sign for Inter

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Jose wants Lamps and the Drog. Surely JT is the man he covets most? When British newspapers made up rumours about new Inter boss Jose Mourino wanting to poach Chelsea players, the two they concentrated on were F-Wank Lampard and...