Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2007

Anderson gets work permit... and now ManYoo bound

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Brazilian Anderson (known to his mum as Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira) has been granted a work permit by the Home Office to allow him to play for champions Manchester United. The initial application for his work permit was rejected because he had not played in 75% of Brazil's internationals over the last two years. However, United being the clever sods that they are, agreed a deal with Porto for the 19-year-old midfielder in early June, won their appeal to let him play.

Copa America 2007: Paraguay leather Colombia 5-0

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Remember when Colombia used to be a half decent side? They may well still be... but after a 5-0 thrashing at the hands of Paraguay, it doesn't seem likely. Five great goals from the Paraguayans will see them going into their next game against USA with great confidence.
www.copa-america-07.blogspot.com
Uploaded by rangel1906

[via 101GreatGoals]

Copa America 2007: Argentina 4-1 USA

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U-S-A took the lead against the mighty Argentinian side before Tevez & Co lashed home four decent goals to leave Argentina looking strong in the Copa America.
Argentina vs USA
Uploaded by BozWolf

[via 101GreatGoals]

'Being Frank Lampard' TV documentary

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Oh, Frank's not so bad - he comes across as a decent chap in this documentary, which is a couple of seasons old now. That said, he does seem to have major trouble opening doors and cans, not to mention working a fax machine – and this from the only player at Chelsea to have any GCSEs. Favourite quote: 'I'm Skinny Frank, this is Fat Frank...

Cult Hero: Duncan Edwards

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Duncan Edwards has come to personify the tragically unfulfilled potential lost in the Munich Air Disaster. Touted by the likes of Sir Bobby Charlton as the greatest player ever, Edwards was just 21 when he died. The lack of footage of him in action is almost as tragic as his premature death, which makes this little compilation of clips extra special.

Shit lookalikes: Peter Crouch and his professional double 'Martin'

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Being a lanky bloke and wearing an England shirt isn't enough to call yourself a professional Peter Crouch lookalike, surely? But this chap, known only as 'Martin', is available for hire, through the website Fake Faces. Money well spent, we're sure.

The Snapshot: Bayern Munich in pre-season training

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Bayern Munich players warm up during the season's first training session at Bayern's training ground, Saebener Strasse, on June 28, 2007 in Munich, Germany. [Photo: Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images]

The Spice Girls reform but Posh is now Scary

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Yawn, so the Spice Girls have reformed, which at least will give David Beckham some down-time at home whilst his stick-thin missus goes off around the world topping up her bank balance. I used to think Victoria was the fittest Spice Girl, when she had a bit of meat on her. But now, Jesus, she's way scarier than Scary Spice. Just look at the state of her in this photo, taken at the launch of the Spice's new world tour.

Ronaldinho designs his own Nike iD trainers

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Yes, it's an advert for Nike iD, but Ronnie seems genuinely happy to have designed his own sneaks. In cream and orange though dude? Seriously. And stop it with the hairband already.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Chelsea, Leicester City, Burnley, Huddersfield Town (current). Whose career path? 2 What nationality is Jean-Marc Bosman (he of the Bosman ruling fame)? 3 Picture round: who's this? 4 Which nation won the first ever Copa America, in 1916? 5 Which ex-England international's middle name is Winston (because he shares a birthday with Winston Churchill)?

Oliver Kahn is a metrosexual man bag-carrier

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Here's Bayern Munich goalkeeper Oliver Kahn, aka the White Gorilla, rocking up to Bayern's first pre-season training session. How metrosexual does he look? Answer: very metrosexual indeed. Let's look at the evidence: white jeans, pink A&F t-shirt, Truman Capote-style sunglasses and, the piece de resistance, a cheeky little man bag containing, we guess, a small tube of moisturiser and some lip gloss.

Shit Lookalike: Cesc Fabregas and the Haribo Kid

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Allegedly soon-to-be Barcelona midfielder Cesc Fabregas seems to have been separated at birth from the Haribo Kid - or is he just trying to mould his hair on Deco to ensure that he takes his place in Barca's midfield as effectively as possible.

Classic Copa America Moment: Jorge Campos scores an own goal and throws a hissy fit, 1995

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Flamboyant Mexico goalkeeper Jorge Campos - dressed as some sort of day-glo birdman in his self-designed kit - throws a bit of a tantrum after claiming it was a hand that put the ball over the line for this Venezuela goal. He's sort of right - unfortunately it was his own hand.

Manchester United Pepsi advert

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This advert for Pepsi from a few years back features the likes of Roy Keane, Peter Schmeichel and the marketer's dream that is Mr Denis Irwin. As the Red Devils find themselves 3-0 down at half-time, Fergie know only a sugary soft drink can help to turn the match around.

Tevez to stay in the Premiership?

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Carlos Tevez has apparently turned down Inter Milan after the Serie A champions attempted to play hardball by imposing a deadline for him to make a decision - suggesting he could yet stay in the Premiership. But, before West Ham fans start blowing bubbles, it's unlikely that the facially challenged front man will be extending his stay at Upton Park with all of the Big Four registering an interest in recent months.

One to watch: Fabio Quagliarella (Sampdoria & Italy)

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Rumoured to be a Man Utd target, the 23-year-old Sampdoria striker scored two goals on his full international debut for Italy, against Lithuania earlier this month. As this video of some of his best goals from last season shows, he has clearly got what it takes to be a star. The new Roberto Baggio perhaps? PS Props to Pies stalwart Dom for the heads-up on Fabio.

Henry and his gold

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This amusing image is doing the rounds in the emails at the moment... and presumably the work of a disgruntled Arsenal fan. It features that lovely image of Henry and his pot of gold (formerly an unfeasibly large ghetto blaster) which is presumably to highlight his ship jumping from The Gunners to Barca. However, does anyone actually see him as a traitor?

The world's greatest acrobatic goals

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We all like acrobatic goals don't we? Mostly because they look good... and if we tried 'em, we'd probably break our necks. Sit back and enjoy this stupendous video of stupendous goals.

Rio Ferdinand merks Gary Neville

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Gary and Giggsy act like a couple of guilty schoolboys and Rio is lovin' it. I love the fact they have a Scouse cop to wind Neville up even more. Favourite quote from the Neviller: 'It means I'll sue the fuck out of Range Rover...'

Real Madrid thank Fabio Capello for winning the title… by sacking him

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What is it with Real Madrid and successful managers? Real sacked Vicente del Bosque in 2004, after he had steered the club to two Champions League titles, two league titles, a Spanish Supercup, a European Supercup and an Intercontinental Cup. Del Bosque was probably the unluckiest manager to lose his job in football history. And German Jupp Heynckes was sacked after guiding Real to the Champions League crown in 1998.

Juninho set to move to... Hull?

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I love summer. It's silly season for transfer rumours, and Juninho's agent saying that Hull City have made a cheeky bid move for the former Middlesbrough playmaker and Brazilian pipsqueak is one of the best. The World Cup winner is on the lookout for a new club after leaving Flamengo in his homeland last month and could hold talks with Tigers boss Phil Brown as early as Friday.

Athletico fans protest at the potential sale of Torres

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As the rumours still fly around about the potential sale of Atletico Madrid's £27m-rated striker Fernando Torres, the Athletico fans have shown much disapproval. Holding a protest, presumably outside the club's headquarters, they let their feelings be heard and seen with "estamos hartos" banners (loosely translated, that means 'we're fed up').

Darren Bent: £17m well spent by Spurs?

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It looks like Darren Bent is off to White Hart Lane, for around £17m - yes, because he is worth more than Thierry Henry. If the move goes ahead, then the soon-to-be-ex-Charlton striker will have to fight Robbie Keane, Fat Mido and possibly Jermain Defoe for the right to partner Dimitar Berbatov up front. (Although surely this signals the end of Defoe's stay at the Lane?

The Snapshot: Mark Viduka is scared of water

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Newcastle's new signing Mark Viduka screws up his eyes, purses his lips and puffs out his cheeks like a toddler having his hair washed as the Australia national team enjoy a session in the pool in Singapore ahead of the Asian Cup.

THE VOTE If Liverpool sign Fernando Torres, which striker should they sell?

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If, as is rumoured, Liverpool were to sign Fernando Torres, their roster of forwards would look something like this: Fernando Torres, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Craig Bellamy, Andriy Voronin, Djibril Cisse, Luis Garcia (who can play up front) There's every chance that Cisse, who returns from a loan spell with Marseille, won't be at Anfield for the start of the season, but even without the bendy-legged Frenchman, you'd say that Liverpool need to ditch one of the players from that list.

Frank Lampard's missus pranks John Terry during a live phone-in

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'Lampsy, you've killed me!' Elen Rives, Frank Lampard's future wife (lucky WAG), calls up and properly embarrasses the England captain by asking him to belt out a Luther Vandross number...

More proof that Chelsea TV is the new Jackass

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This clip actually made us laugh, although we have little clue as to what the feck is going on...

Real Sociedad keen on Chris Coleman

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Until now if you had told Pies that Chris Coleman had an interest in Basques we would have envisaged the ex-Fulham boss creeping round Ann Summers trying not to draw too much attention to himself. But - perhaps even more shocking than that image - it seems the Welsh whinger is being primed for a return to management at recently relegated Spanish side Real Sociedad.

Copa America 2007: Brazil 0-2 Mexico

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Dunga must be wishing CONMEBOL had not invited those pesky Mexicans to compete in the Copa America after they inflicted his first competitive defeat as Brazil boss. Check out Nery Castillo's excellent Gazza-esque opener. Ramon Morales wrapped the game up with a free-kick which left Brazil keeper Doni rooted to the spot. [Via 101GreatGoals]

Copa America 2007: Ecuador 2-3 Chile

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This match was a cracker. Twice Ecuador took the lead and twice Chile begged them back before going on to win the match courtesy of Carlos Villanueva's free-kick five minutes from time.
[Via 101GreatGoals]

David Beckham playing American football with Reggie Bush

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It didn't take long for footage of David Beckham filming his new American football-themed Adidas advert to follow the photos onto the internet. Becks puts running back Reggie Bush through his paces at soccer before learning the basics of American football decked out in his New Orleans Saints gear. [Via The Offside]

Chelsea bid £12m for Malouda

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Just when we thought that the purse strings to Roman's rubles had been tied closed with all the endeavour of an over enthusiastic boy scout, Chelsea actually look set to spend some money. During the close season we're used to seeing Moneybags FC fritter away millions on overpriced, overpaid and over here imports. But, so far, only three free-signings, Claudio Pirazzo, Tal Ben Haim and Steve Sidwell, have been added as understudies to the stars.

Classic Copa America Moment: Honduras beat Brazil, 2001

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This Classic Moment sees a ramshackle Honduras team defeat Brazil 2-0 in the 2001 Copa America. The Hondurans were late replacements for Argentina who withdrew after receiving death threats from terrorist groups. They arrived hours before their opening game without a full complement of players in a Colombian air force plane. They knocked Brazil out in the quarter finals and went on to finish third in the competition.

Newcastle move for Geremi

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Chelsea utility man Geremi has emerged as the latest player Sam Allardyce would like to spend some of Mike Ashley's millions on [that's on wages and signing-on fees before some smart arse points out he is available on a free transfer!] . The Cameroon international is known to be eager to find more regular first-team action than he has been getting at Stamford Bridge.

Meet the Copa America mascot

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This handsome chap is Guaky, the mascot for the Copa America, which got underway last night in Venezuela. We are not sure he is quite up to the standard of Goleo from last summer's World Cup, but the passionate parrot is a decent mascot nonetheless. See the pick of previous Copa America mascots by clicking below. Chasqui - the happy-go-lucky Amerindian from Peru 2004.

Liverpool to get their arses in gear in quest for Torres

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Liverpool's hopes of landing Fernando Torres hang in the balance as talks continue with Atletico Madrid over the £27m-rated striker. Atletico president Enrique Cerezo says Liverpool have not tabled a bid for the 23-year-old Spain striker, but BBC Sport understands discussions between the clubs are ongoing and have now reached a crucial stage.

Copa America 2007: Uruguay get battered 3-0 by Peru

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Once a giant in South American football, the mighty Uruguay were humbled by the tenacious Peru who romped home to a 3-0 victory in the Copa America.

[Mof Gimmers] [via 101GreatGoals]

Copa America 2007: Venezuela 2-2 Bolivia

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More action from the Copa America as hosts Venezuela draw 2-2 with Bolivia. Bolivia twice came from behind to gatecrash Venezuela's opening celebrations at the Copa America as the hosts were held to an exciting draw in their opening Group A game. Argentinian legend Diego Armando Maradona, Venezuela President Hugo Chavez and Bolivia President Evo Morales kicked off the tournament in front of 43,000 fans at the Pueblo Nuevo stadium in San Cristobal.

Turnip Taylor thinks Sven is either "brave or daft"

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Graham 'used to be referred to as a turnip' Taylor believes Sven-Goran Eriksson is on "a nice little earner" at Manchester City but is hoping that cashmoney is not the main motivation behind his decision to become manager. Sven has reportedly agreed a three-year, £7.5million deal at the City of Manchester Stadium on the proviso Thaksin Shinawatra completes his takeover of the club.

Comedian Lee Evans has a rant about football players

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(Summary is not available.)

Serie A/B Scandals: Four players charged with illegal betting & Italian goalkeeper Nicholas Caglioni banned for cocaine use

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Summer just ain't summer any more without a bit of Italian football scandal. And there is plenty going on at the moment. Four players, including Italian international David di Michele, have been charged with illegal betting. The Palermo player, along with Atalanta's Thomas Manfredini and Vicenza's Massimo Margiotta, is accused of betting 'directly or through third parties, on the results of official matches organised by the FIGC.

TH14 - the goals 3

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We can empathise will Arsenal fans at the moment. They've lost their greatest goal scorer, there's uncertainty over Wenger's future and even Les Miserables himself, Nikolas Anelka, could be making a prodigal return. So, in our last look at Henry's greatest goals we've saved one that will even raise a smile from Gunners that are still getting over seeing him in a Barca shirt earlier today

Shit Lookalikes: Sven Goran Eriksson & Roland Andersson and The Proclaimers

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Sven is set to take the Manchester City job and is apparently hoping to make Sweden assistant manager Roland Andersson his number two (schoolboy snigger). Rumour has it the duo would be quite happy to walk 500 miles just to be the men to take over at Eastlands.

TH14 - the goals 2

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He may be gone but at least we've still got the memories of arguably the greatest foreign import ever to grace the Premiership. Thierry scored a record breaking 226 goals for his old flame Arsenal and tap-ins were about as rare as a Henry header. Our second great goal from the French master even seems to defy physics with a cheeky back heel scored against Charlton, 2004.

USA snapshot & video: celebrating the CONCACAF Gold Cup win against Mexico

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Carlos Bocanegra and Frankie Hejduk (shirtless) celebrate the USA's 2-1 win against Mexico in the CONCACAF Gold Cup final at Soldier Field, Chicago. [Photo: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images] And here's a link to a behind-the-scenes video of the post-match celebrations. That's one motherf**king big crunk chalice those guys are drinking from... LINK

Sven - The Football Puppet Master

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With Sven about to become the Man City manager, it's worth reminding ourselves that the Swede offers us all a rich mine of comedy gold. This basically means there's allsorts of things we take rip him about. Ace![Mof Gimmers]

David Beckham plays American football for the New Orleans Saints

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David Beckham has begun work on his brief to save soccer in the USA - by playing American football. Becks donned a New Orleans Saints helmet, pads and kit to play with the Saints' running back Reggie Bush. The stunt was part of an Adidas advertising campaign. It was in a similar style to the rugby adverts of a couple of years ago which saw Becks and Jonny Wilkinson swapping sports (see video below).

Hot 'n' spicy soccer cheerleaders from Mexico

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Scorchio! FOX Sports is currently featuring a tremendous gallery of cheerleaders from Mexico's top football league, and let me tell you, it's worth (several) visits. Click below to see a couple more samples from the gallery, or here for the whole shooting match. Ah, lovely stuff, especially the girl with the cat's whiskers.

Man City to become most boring team in the universe as Sven takes up managers post (nearly)

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Sven-Goran Eriksson has agreed a three-year contract in principle to take over as Manchester City manager. Of course, this ensures the Citizens will be even duller than last season... which is some feat! Fine details are to be ironed out, and there is unlikely to be an official announcement before the weekend. City's prospective new owner, former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra (who, for the record, I keep reading as Thaksin Sinatra) made Eriksson his top managerial target and is understood to have made a £50m transfer fund available to the Swede.

Classic Copa America Moments: Brazil v Argentina, 2004

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The Copa America gets under way in Venezuela tonight with Uruguay facing Peru and the hosts taking on Bolivia. The tournament lasts until July 15, by which time most of your teams will be well into their pre-season and the next campaign in sight! Here are the highlights of the last Copa America final from 2004 when big-guns Brazil and Argentina faced each other.

Celtic's Nakamura is a wanted man

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Four (unnamed) clubs are aiming to prise Shunsuke Nakamura away from Celtic, his representative has said. The tricky midfield maestro, who was named SPFA player of the year last season, has insisted he is happy at Celtic Park. However, Angelo Massoni told the Daily Mail: "We have four of the biggest clubs in world football interested in Nakamura, and they are willing to pay big money.

Carlos Tevez off to Gunners? Or Inter?

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West Ham striker/gargoyle Carlos Tevez has admitted he's 'excited' about the prospect of joining Arsenal as a replacement for Thierry Henry - but admits he could opt to sign for Inter Milan. Either way, no-one expects him to stay at West Ham. The Argentine international almost single-handedly kept the Hammers in the Premier League last season, and thus, everyone has started sniffing around him.

One to watch: Yaya Toure, Barcelona

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Not content with signing Thierry Henry, Barcelona have also shelled out around €10m on Monaco's Yaya Toure, younger brother of a certain Kolo Toure. Yaya, once hailed as the 'new Patrick Vieira' bu his elder bro, is a central midfielder and very much the ideal modern footballer: he plays box-to-box, is supremely athletic, very capable on the ball and there are no obvious weaknesses to his game.

Tuesday 10: Thierry Henry quotes

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1 "In my head I'm still an Arsenal player and my departure is not a current issue." Responding to speculation linking him with a move to Barca a couple of weeks ago with a very honest answer... 2 "Arsenal will be in my blood as well as my heart. I will always, always, always remember you guys.

Will Spurs finish above Arsenal next season?

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Now that Gooner talisman Thierry Henry has left for Barcelona, how do you feel Arsenal's squad matches up against Spurs? Personally, I feel the two squads are as evenly matched as at any time since the Premiership began. I also feel that Spurs have their best chance in years of finishing above Arsenal next season. Let's take a look at how the squads currently match-up: GOALKEEPING: Probably Spurs' weakest area.

Thierry Henry says hello to Barcelona video

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The video Arsenal fans never wanted to see... Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Thierry! (He could have tied his shoelaces first, no?)

The Snapshot: Thierry Henry is unveiled at Barcelona

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Thierry Henry enters the Camp Nou stadium after signing for Barcelona. [Photo: Denis Doyle/Getty Images]

Accrington Stanley get their own pub

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League Two outfit Accrington Stanley might be one of the few Football League clubs who won't mind too much if their fans turn up to games paralytic - it will help to pay the players' wages! Stanley have taken over a pub with profits from behind the bar going straight into the club. The Crown, close to the club's Fraser Eagle Stadium, will be open seven-days-a-week as a football-themed pub.

TH14 DAY – The goals 1

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Now that he's actually left, it's not just the Gooners that will miss the mercurial talents of Monsieur Henry. We can do without his hands on hips sulking, love of girls' cars and those arrogant, brooding celebrations...but we'll miss the goals. This was the one that made us believe that the boy could play a bit after a shaky start to his Arsenal career, scored against a bald clown at Man Utd, October 2000.

UEFA to tweak World Cup qualifiers

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Uefa has messed the qualifying system 'round a bit for the 53 European countries who will bid to reach the 2010 World Cup. The teams will now be separated into eight groups of six and one of five to fill the 13 places available for the tournament in South Africa. The group winners will automatically qualify before the top eight runners-up go into a round of play-offs.

Bhoys interested in Fanni

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Less than a week after Pies compiled our top 10 footballers with rude names and it emerges that Celtic's scouts have unearthed another gem. The Bhoys are apparently interested in making a move for the hermaphoditically-named Rod Fanni. The Nice defender is keen to switch clubs to secure Champions League football. The 25-year-old is rumoured to have been the subject of a failed £2 million bid from Monaco, and Genoa and St Etienne have also been linked with the player.

Peter Crouch is off to Spain

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Liverpool and England striker Peter Crouch could follow Thierry Henry to Spain if Atletico Madrid get their way. The Spanish outfit want to bring Crouch to La Liga as part of any deal that takes Fernando Torres to Anfield. The Daily Star reports that Real's city rivals would love the lump the ball up to the 6ft 7in striker. Most players sign boot deals, but if this transfer goes through I imagine the world's top suntan lotion brands will be vying for Crouch's signature.

Frank Lampard's end of season quiz

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More cringey YouTube footage courtesy of the hilariously useless Chelsea TV. This time it's a Q&A session with the Blues' most intelligent player, Frank Lampard. Continuing the homoerotic theme of Frank's Chelsea TV appearances, in this erm... outing Arjen Robben's underwear gets a special mention.

USA beat Mexico 2-1 to lift CONCACAF Gold Cup

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USA won the CONCACAF Gold Cup by defeating Mexico 2-1 yesterday. Mexico took the lead through Andres Guardado on the stroke of half-time before Landon Donovan equalised from the penalty spot on 62 minutes. The stunning volley from Brazilian-born midfielder Benny Feilhaber shown in the video below settled the tournament. USA have now won the Gold Cup four times.

Classic Moment: Thierry Henry gets his first Barcelona shirt

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Serial pitch invader turned minor celebrity Jimmy Jump gives TH14 his first Barcelona shirt during the Arsenal v Villareal Champions League semi-final in 2006. It seems pretty obvious now that Henry wanted to move to Barca last season and only the effect that losing a Champions League final to them had on his emotional Gallic self prevented him from doing so.

TH14 DAY - The Snapshot: Thierry Henry arrives in Barcelona

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Thierry Henry poses for the media outside the FC Barcelona office, on June 24, 2007. Henry will undergo a medical today before he is unveiled as a Barcelona player. Nice cardigan, Thierry. [Photo: Bagu Blanco/Getty Images]

TH14 DAY - Thierry Henry's farewell to Arsenal video

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'Arsenal will always be in my blood…' Sniff, stop it Thierry, I'm welling up here…

TH14 DAY - Classic Moment: Thierry Henry's unfeasibly large ghetto blaster

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Always worth a repost, this. As we said before, who knows where in the hell Thierry picked up this mother of all boomboxes – Tandy? What I do know is that he was listening to MC Hammer when this photo was taken. Or Musical Youth. Or the news about his new Barca salary…

TH14 DAY - Thierry's wrong-foot trick

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I tried to do this myself, but ended up flat on my face. Much more difficult than it looks - it's the football equivalent of rubbing your stomach whilst patting your head, only about 10 times more difficult. I'd love to see him pass to Ronaldinho like this…

Celtic Cup to get go ahead if England reject home internationals

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England are to be offered one last chance to join in a new home international championship. Should the soft arses at the FA reject it, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales are set to establish a Celtic Cup competition with the Republic of Ireland completing a four-country line-up. SPOILSPORTS! In Belfast, the Irish FA president Jim Boyce said England would still be asked to take part even though he he was aware there was little enthusiasm for the venture at Soho Square.

Henry off to Barcelona

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Arsenal have confirmed they have reached an agreement with Barcelona for the transfer of Thierry Henry. The deal, thought to be worth about £16m to the Gunners, is subject to the striker passing a medical, which is set to take place on Monday. Henry had already announced he intended to end his eight-year stay at Arsenal to sign a four-year deal with Barca.

Steve McClown likes England fans... but not the booing

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England gaffer Steve McClaren has urged fans to stop the (most deserved) criticism of Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard. McClown is all upset and unhappy that Lampard was booed during the 1-1 friendly draw with Brazil at Wembley this month and has written to the official England supporters' club. In his annual report to englandfans, McClaren wrote: "We were all disappointed to hear Frank Lampard being booed at Wembley against Brazil.

Newcastle's new away kit - sponsored by Ousmane Dabo

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Pies presents Newcastle United's new away kit for the 2007-08 sponsored by Ousmane Dabo. You can buy the unaltered version of the kit from the official Newcastle shop by clicking here.

Newcastle sign Alan Smith?

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Newcastle have reportedly won the race to sign firebrand striker, Alan Smith, from Manchester United for £3.5m - fighting off apparent interest from Middlesbrough, Villa and free-spending Spurs. Smith aired his disappointment at not being offered a new contract at Old Trafford and Allardyce appears to have acted quickly to add some 'never say die' determination to Newcastle's pampered squad - with serial psycho, Joey Barton, also arriving training sessions could carry a health warning!

Shit Lookalike: Alan Smith and Brooklyn Beckham

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Our Mark Webber/David Nugent Shit Lookalike earlier today was just too damn good. It simply did not meet the low standards of poor quality lookalikes that Pies readers have come to expect. Here is another Who Ate All The Pies Shit Lookalke which is much more true to form: Alan Smith and Brooklyn Beckham. Smudger is set to join Newcastle in a £3.

Shit lookalikes: David Nugent and F1's Mark Webber

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This isn't shit, is it? We think it's actually quite good. On the subject of Nugent, F365 reports that Preston have given permission to two unnamed Premier League clubs to talk to their talented young striker. Any guesses as to who they might be? Everton are known admirers and Sunderland have also appeared keen to sign him.

Spurs' top 20 goals of the 2006/07 season

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As you might expect, Dimitar Berbatov features prominently. Is Paul Robinson's freak goal in there too? You'll have to watch below to find out…

The Snapshot: Canada 1-2 USA, CONCACAF Gold Cup semi final

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US midfielder Frankie Hejduk fights for the ball with Canada's Atiba Hutchinson during the CONCACAF Gold Cup semi final at Soldier Field on June 21, 2007 in Chicago, Illinois. USA won 2-1; Pies will post video highlights later today. [Photo: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images]

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Celtic, Liverpool, Newcastle United, Norwich City, Blackpool, Linfield, Modena, Livingston, Hibernian, Houston Dynamo (current). Whose varied career path? 2 Who scored the first ever 'Golden Goal' in international football? 3 Picture round. Who's this? 4 The late Sir Bobby Moore shared a middle name with which current Premiership club? 5 Thierry Henry recently defected from sponsors Nike, to move to which sportswear company?

Travel company exploits drunken Danish fan's exploits

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The drunken Danish lout who invaded the pitch and attacked the referee during the recent Euro 2008 qualifier between Denmark and Sweden has had a TV advert created in his honour. The commercial for TravelMarket.com draws a clever comparison between people who have beaten up a referee and those in need of a holiday. [Via The Offside]

Horror Hair: Cesc Fabregas

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Well, well, well. What have we here? Cesc Fabregas - who has played it safe since finding the limelight with his short dark hair and quiff - a Horror Hair candidate. Who would have thought it? And yet here is the young Spaniard sporting a truly horrific mullet at the start of the 2004-05 season. It just goes to show, there is Horror Hair potential within all footballers.

Spare a thought for Cliftonville and Cork

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While football's good, great and John O'Shea are in Las Vegas to cheer on Ricky Hatton in his light-welterwight title fight with Jose Luis Castillo, spare a thought for the players of Irish outfits Cliftonville and Cork. Belfast-based Cliftonville face Dinaburg in the Intertoto Cup tomorrow, while Cork take on Icelandic side Valur at the Laugardalsvöllur Stadium (try saying that after a few pints of Guinness).

Chelsea want Dutch under 21 defender Royston Drenthe

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Jose Mourinho wants to follow his successful Khalid Boulahrouz experiment by signing another colourfully named Dutch defender. The Special One's target is Holland under 21 left-back Royston Drenthe. Despite sounding like the setting for The League of Gentlemen, £4 million-rated Royston has been one of the stars of the Dutch team in the European Under 21 Championships.

Thieves take Pele's arms

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The feat is not quite dramatic as it may sound. Thieves have stolen the arms of a statue of Pele in Brazil. The legend's replica arms were sawn off the bronze statue situated outside the Fonte Nova stadium in Salvador. The statue showed Pele holding the World Cup aloft, and the replica trophy was taken with the limbs. Police are now searching scrap yards and art workshops in the hunt for the arms.

Chelsea named in Champions League seeds, at last

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Happy now Jose? Uefa has named Chelsea as one of the eight seeds for next season's Champions League. The other English CL teams – Liverpool, Man Utd and Arsenal – are also seeded; England is the only country to have all of its representatives seeded. Chelsea can not now be drawn with any seed in the first group stage, so they will avoid the likes of holders AC Milan, Barcelona, Real Madrid and Inter Milan, as well as the other three Premiership teams.

Sexy World Cup 2006, part nine: Australia

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A selection of Sheilas, photographed at the 2006 World Cup in Germany. More Sexy World Cup in our babes section.

England under 21s lose on penalties to Holland

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England under 21s are out of the European Championship after losing 13-12 to Holland in a dramatic penalty shootout. England took the lead in the first half through Leroy Lita, before Maceo Rigters equalised with a spectacular overhead kick in the 89th minute. The tie was eventually settled after a marathon 32-penalty shootout. Anton Ferdinand was the unfortunate player who missed the deciding kick, despite having scored England's sixth penalty earlier in the shootout.

Jimmy Bullard to miss the start of the season

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One of Pies' favourite Premiership players, Fulham midfielder Jimmy Bullard, is to miss the start of next season. The former Wigan man is still having problems with the knee ligament injury which wrote off last season's campaign for him. The 28-year-old has not played since September last year when a tackle with Newcastle's Scott Parker dislocated his knee and put paid to his all-action start to the season.

Jimmy Bullard's unique solution to the goalmouth scramble

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With the unfortunate news that Jimmy Bullard will not be fit for the start of the season, we are in dire need of a Bullard fix. Here is one of his finest moments: Jimmy leapfrogging a goalmouth scramble while playing for Wigan Athletic. We have no idea why, but that's Jimmy Bullard for you!

Amazing table football skills

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This guy – I assume it's a guy – has way too much time on his hands. But he would kick my ass at foosball…

England 2-3 Scotland, 1967, Wembley: a Subbuteo tribute

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Continuing on a games theme, check out Scotland's famous victory against the world champions in 1967, recreated here via the medium of Subbuteo…

Will Thaksin Shinawatra be good for Man City?

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As expected, former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra has lodged a formal takeover bid for Manchester City. The bid is valued at £81.6m. The City board said it intended to support the bid from UK Sports Investments, which is controlled by Thaksin and members of his family. Thaksin has to pass a Premier League suitability test before being able to complete the proposed takeover.

The Snapshot: England lose on penalties, again

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England U21 players Mark Noble (left) and Anton Ferdinand (right, both seated), suffer the traditional English heartache of losing on penalties, in the European U21 Championship semi final against Holland. [Photo: Phil Cole/Getty Images]

Blog of the week: The Beautiful Game

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The Beautiful Game recently put up one of the most interesting posts I've read in ages, namely The Best Non-Soccer XI. In other words, if you could assemble a dream soccer team consisting entirely of non-soccer players (by the way, since this is about an American blog, I'll grit my teeth and call football 'soccer' for the duration of this blog), who would be in it?

Rio Ferdinand merks David Beckham. Brap!

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Becks fears the Moss Side…

Sven returning to City: The Iceman Commeth?

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These are uncertain times in the blue half of Manchester. While United claimed the Premiership in cavalier fashion, City finished the season with the lowest number of home goals ever scored and then promptly lost their manager, Stuart Pearce. The club is still embroiled in a shady takeover led by exiled Thai leader and fugitive on-the-run, Thaksin Shinawatra, and according to City supporters it could get worse.

Torres to Liverpool?

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Fernando Torres may well be the player to end Liverpool's quiet summer of inactivity after Atletico Madrid finally decided to sell. The dynamite Spanish striker will cost around £25m (which seems quite cheap to me considering his age) because of a clause in his contract and The Liverpool Echo believes that price won't be putting off Rafa Benitez.

Scarborough go out of business

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It's always sad to see the demise of a football club, and that's exactly what has happened in Scarborough as the club has gone out of business with debts of £2.5m. The former Football League club was wound up at Leeds High Court at a hearing on Wednesday morning (report the BBC). Boro hoped the local council would lift a covenant on their McCain Stadium so it could be sold for residential use to cover debts and finance a new ground.

CONCACAF goals of the week

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CONCACAF GOld Cup - Goals of the Week - 24/2007
Uploaded by 90tsunni

[Mof Gimmers] [via 101GreatGoals]

WAG of the week: Caroline Celico (Kaka's wife)

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Name Caroline Celico Nationality Brazilian WAG of… Kaka, the clean-cut golden boy of world football. The pair married in 2005, two days before Christmas. Carolina and Kaka first met in 2001 when she was a student and he was playing for São Paulo FC. So they're teenage sweethearts. Aw, bless.

Five reasons why MLS is not one of the most competitive leagues in the world

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Alexei Lalas, general manager of LA Galaxy, has said that MLS is one of the most competitive leagues in the world: 'It's insulting to us and to our sport to say [David] Beckham is on his way to Hollywood when he is coming to play in one of the most competitive leagues in the world,' the deluded ginger said recently. 'There are a lot of stars in European football who would struggle over here.

Tuesday 10: Footballers with rude names

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1 Stefan Kuntz The former German international was a key figure at Euro 96 for both his team and the British tabloids. 2 Milan Fukal The Czech defender was once on trial with Leeds and linked with a move to Manchester City but has since gone on to do Fukal. He now plays for hometown club FK 97. 3 Quim The Portuguese keeper is actually called Joaquim Manuel Sampaio da Silva, but uses his nickname blissfully unaware at the delight he provides for English-speaking fans.

Aliadiere signs for Middlesbrough

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Gooner, going, gone! Jeremie Aliadiere, The ferret-featured Arsenal striker signed for Middlesbrough in a £1.5m deal where he hopes Teeside fans will finally be able to put a face to his name. He must have decided that, as one of the longest serving players in Arsenal's squad and at the ripe old age of 24, he's now too old to break into the North London crèche.

The Snapshot: Real Madrid vs Palestinian & Israeli XI

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Fabio Cannavaro of Real Madrid is helped to his feet during a warmup with young Israeli and Palestinian players before the match between Real Madrid and a Palestinian & Israeli XI at the Ramat Gan stadium on June 19, 2007 in Tel Aviv, Israel. [Photo: Uriel Sinai/Getty Images]

Obafemi Martins shot at by masked gunmen

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Newcastle striker Oba Martins survived a terrifying ordeal in his native Nigeria this week, when the car he was driving was shot at by masked gunmen. His mate was hit and wounded, but Oba escaped unharmed. Oba said: 'They shot indiscriminately and tried to kill all the occupants of the car. They weren't there to rob me but to finish me off… I thought I was going to die.

101 Greatest Goals of the Season

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Our friends at 101GreatGoals have compiled a list of their 101 best goals of the 2006/07 season. We highly recommend you check it out. As a taster, here's one of our favourite goals from their excellent list, scored by Man Utd transfer target Fabio Quagliarella…

Alan Shearer launches attack on Craig Bellamy

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Newcastle legend Alan Shearer has revealed rumours of Craig Bellamy returning to St James's Park had him reaching for the bottle. The retired Magpies striker said he needed a few drinks to calm him down after reading that Sam Allardyce was planning to sign the Welsh international. Shearer said: "I was having a few days away in France with my former Newcastle team-mates Gary Speed and Steve Harper and the wives and I picked up the newspaper.

USA national team 1994 away kit

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Oh, say can you see this star-spangled away kit sported by the USA national team in 1994. It is one of many gems to be found on the excellent ClassicFootballShirts site. This kit was worn by the likes of ginger rent-a-quote / professional stirrer Alexi Lalas. It will set you back £60 and, if we are honest, is an eyesore but might be worth the investment if you are: a) a collector b) lacking in taste c) a brash American who likes to walk around the streets chanting U-S-A and sounding off an airhorn!

Shit lookalikes: Sven-Goran Eriksson and Kanapoutz

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Kanapoutz is a French children's character – we think. If you know different, please drop us a line. Sven is the next manager of Man City, at least if former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra completes his takeover of the club.

Classic Moments: England v Germany, 1996

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With Alan Shearer fretting over Craig Bellamy today and Stefan Kuntz topping our rude names list, there was only one possible Classic Moment for today. Stiff upper lip and all that, folks... sob, sob.

In-game video footage of Mario Strikers Charged for Nintendo Wii

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We reviewed this fine Wii game yesterday. Today we bring you a YouTube video featuring in-game footage, which gives you a good idea of how the game plays… (Honestly, there's nothing advertorial in this - we just love the game.) For more Wii news and reviews, check out sister site Wii Wii.

Here comes goal-line technology

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The Premier League has announced it is going to trial goal-line technology in the auspicious surroundings of Reading youth team matches. The Royals have been asked to test out Hawk-Eye technology with a view to introducing it to the Premier League in two years. A football containing a microchip will be used to send an encrypted radio signal when it crosses the line (or sumfink like that, innit).

In the red, er blue corner: Wayne Rooney to carry Ricky Hatton's belt in Las Vegas

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Ricky Hatton, who fights Mexican hard nut Jose Luis Castillo this weekend for his world light-welterweight title, is an avid Man City fan. Hatton naturally hates Man Utd with a passion. So who better to carry out one of his title belts to ringside in Vegas on Saturday than… Wayne Rooney (who is a huge boxing fan and boxed as a youngster)? Hatton is unrepentent at choosing a United player to represent him.

Busty Japanese soccer babe in bikini photo shoot

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There's just enough of a football link (keep watching until the end) to justify posting this clip… just… And is that her bra size on her Japan national team shirt? I think it might be.

Riot police escort Brazilian coach from game

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If Jose Mourinho decides he is going to kick off on the referee we see plenty of hand-gesturing, plenty of sulking and, usually, the Special One dispatched to the stands. In Brazil, however, they needed riot police to escort America coach Lori Sandri off the pitch after one of his players was sent off for elbowing an opponent. All hell then breaks lose as the coach is handcuffed and his players end up scrapping it out with the coppers!

FIFA breaks its own rules by ordering Mali to release players for club matches

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Ooh, we love a good excuse to demand Sepp Blatter's head and this is an excellent one! Uefa has launched an investigation into the racist behaviour at last night's under 21 match between England and Serbia, so while they are at it they might want to examine the logic in the decision of their mates at FIFA to order Mali to release Mahamadou Diarra and Frédéric Kanouté from international duty to play for their Spanish club sides.

Primera Liga review: Real Madrid come back to beat Mallorca, pip Barcelona to the title

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What a brilliant finish to a brilliant season in Spain. At half-time on the last Sunday of the season, Barca were pissing it away at Gimnastic, whilst Real Madrid were losing 1-0 at home to Real Mallorca, and playing very badly too. However, an inspired substitution by Madrid coach Fabio Capello in the second half changed the course of the title.

THE VOTE Thierry Henry: godlike superstar or arrogant arse?

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No player is bigger than his club, but someone forgot to tell Thierry Henry, who doesn't seem to want to stop the gossip about where he might end up next season. I could be wrong, but Henry seems to relish the ceaseless transfer speculation surrounding him, which he could put an end to by simply saying 'I am definitely staying at Arsenal next season,' or 'I'm looking to move to another club…' Saying he was 'flattered' by AC Milan's reported interest helps no one, least of all Arsene Wenger, who needs to know Henry's intentions.

Adidas brings billboard soccer to Japan

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Uerukamu! Pies seems to accidentally have a bit of a Japanese flavour today. This video shows Adidas's latest advertising ploy: organising a game of vertical football on a billboard in the centre of Tokyo. Two players and a ball were suspended by ropes from the billboard while they had a kickabout. Brings a new slant to the phrase get the ball down and play on the deck!

Nintendo Wii game review: Mario Strikers Charged

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This is the sequel to the eminently playable Mario Smash Football on the Nintendo GameCube and it will be one of the first ever Wii games to be fully playable online. Mario and co take to the pitch for some frantic five-a-side action, with loads of special moves galore and Mario Kart-style power-ups. For example, each captain has his or her own set of skills and super abilities, as well as the ability to perform special shots called Mega Strikes, where the iron ball splits into five balls and flies at the goal.

Liverpool back Blades to relegate Hammers

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Y'know how everyone in the entire world hates West Ham now? Well, at least they hate this business about Tevez and all that. Well, Liverpool have been revealed as the mystery club backing Sheffield United's fight against the Premier League, reports BBC Radio Sheffield. A two-day hearing began on Monday to decide if the Blades should be reinstated to the top flight after West Ham breached player ownership rules.

Gudjohnsen to move to ManYoo?

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Eidur Gudjohnsen says that he fancies a move to Manchester United if he leaves Barcelona. The former Bolton and Chelsea star found first-team opportunities at the Nou Camp limited after joining Barca for £8million last summer. And the 29-year-old Icelandic hitman has been linked on a fair number of occasions with a move to Old Trafford and says that joining the newly-crowned Premier League champions would appeal to him.

Instructions on how to be a good sport

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Okay, so this video might be looking at basketball, but the good sportsman message rings loud and clear in football too. I wonder if any managers are currently showing this to their cheating/spitting/whining/diving squads?

CONCACAF Gold Cup review: USA 2-1 Panama

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America will play Canada in the semi finals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup this Thursday after this comfortable win against Panama in the quarter finals on Saturday. The US's goals came from Landon Donovan, from the penalty spot, and Fulham's Carlos Bocanegra, who headed home from a set piece. Panama pulled a goal back late on, but in truth the game wasn't as close as the scoreline suggests.

HolloWatch is back!

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You can't keep a good man down. Plymouth boss/Pies legend Ian Holloway has hit out at Argyle's fixture list for next season: The Pilgrims face midweek trips to Norwich, Ipswich, Colchester and Championship new boys Scunthorpe, and Hollers is not impressed. 'I'm looking forward to next season and to seeing the wonderful Greem Army out in force whenever it's possible… But some games on Tuesday nights are so far away it's going to be impossible for them.

THE VOTE: Was Matt Derbyshire out of order?

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You know what, f**k Serbia. Yep, f**k 'em and their racist fans and hotheaded players - it's called karma. Good on you Matt Derbyshire for playing to the whistle and scoring the goal that ensured England's Under-21 team progressed to the semis of the Euro Championship. That's what we think anyway. Now let's beat Holland in the last four and f**k Serbia again in the final.

Who Ate All the Pies named in The Times's Top 50 Business Blogs

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So many thanks to The Times (they obviously have excellent taste in Pies), for naming us as one of their Top 50 Best Business Blogs. We're not quite sure how we fit into the business category but since we're the only football blog on the list we're sure as hell not complaining. Go us! Read the article here.

Funny goalkeeping blunder from Japan

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Pies is getting more and more obscure in its attempts to keep your dose football humour at an acceptable level over the summer months. This clip comes from the Japanese second division, which - I can fairly safely say - is being featured for the first time on the site! Consadole Sapporo's Brazilian striker Davi scored a cheeky toe poke on Saturday at the expense of Tokushima Vortis keeper Masahito Suzuki.

England U21 2-0 Serbia U21

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England under 21s are through to the semi-finals of the European Championships after beating Serbia in controversial circumstances. Leroy Lita gave England the lead when he threw his enormous forehead at Steven Taylor's cross-goal header. The victory was sealed by Matt Derbyshire (or "Durbyshire" according to the American commentator on the video below), who slotted home while being played onside by an injured Serbian player.

Teddy Sheringham arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice

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Veteran striker Teddy Sheringham has been arrested for allegedly giving false details in response to a speeding charge. The ex-England international was interviewed by police on 15 May and has been bailed until July. Sheringham's former team-mates at West Ham Bobby Zamora and Shaun Newton have been arrested under similar circumstances and have also been given bail.

The Snapshot special: David Beckham wins the Primera Liga with Real Madrid

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Congratulations to David Beckham and Real Madrid for winning Spain's Primera Liga at the weekend. I'm genuinely happy for Becks. We'll have more reaction later today, but for now enjoy this snapshot special of Beckham's Spanish swansong… More pictures after the click… [All photos: Getty Images]

Thierry Henry wearing a Spurs shirt

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There are some things in football you never expect to see. England winning a major championship, Jonathan Stead scoring a goal or Gary Neville standing on the Kop to take in a Liverpool game during a Saturday afternoon off, for example. You could add to that list Thierry Henry celebrating victory in a Spurs shirt except that one has actually happened - well, sort of.

Labian Quest, the football chant composer (yes, it's Paul Kaye again)

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In which Paul Kaye and Little Britain's David Walliams, doing a fine Melvyn Bragg impression, perform a brilliant sketch featuring the eccentric character Labian Quest, the classically trained composer of football chants. No one says the f word quite like Kaye.

Bob Boonah's Britball

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In which comedian Paul Kaye (aka Dennis Pennis) takes a pop at the way our American friends cover soccerball.

Bangor player Andy Forsythe flattens the referee with a clearance

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Football referees truly are the traffic wardens of the sporting world. Good to see that the crowd's first reaction is to cheer when the ref gets the ball smacked into his face at high velocity. One bloke even says 'That'll knock a bit of f**king sense into ye!' Or something like that - his accent is so thick I can't be sure.

The Snapshot: Serbia snatch win against Czech Republic in Euro U21 Championships

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The Serbian Under-21 team celebrate progressing to the semi finals of the UEFA U21 Championship after a goal in the 93rd minute secured a 1-0 win against the Czech Republic. [Photo: Jamie McDonald/Getty Images]

Bizarre Mexican mascot game

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We haven't a clue what is going on here, but we know quality football entertainment when we see it! It seems to be some sort of mascot football, possibly between representatives of Mexican teams. Any Hispanic Pies readers who know what it's all about, let us know!

Wenger opens talks with Barca to flog Henry?

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Apparently, Arsene Wenger has opened talks with Barcelona to sell Thierry Henry. There has been a daft amount of speculation linking the French striker with a move to Barca, and now The Times are claiming that 'the Arsenal manager met Ferran Soriano, the Spanish club's financial director, in Paris this week for preliminary discussions, though both parties remain some distance from agreeing Henry's transfer.

European Under-21 Championship review: Italy 2-2 England

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England can't hold on to a bloody lead at any level, can they? Leading 2-0 against Italy, thanks to goals by David Nugent and Leroy Lita (who had earlier missed an absolute sitter), Stuart Pearce's lads let it slip in a big way. In the end England were very lucky to escape with a draw, after being comprehensively outplayed in the second half - none of the English players seemed to have a clue how to play it simple and keep possession.

Copa Libertadores Final 1st Leg - Boca Juniors 3-0 Gremio

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Gooooooooooooool! Wanna see the goals from the Copa Libertadores Final? Well, Boca Juniors lead the first leg of the final against Gremio 3-0. Palacio kicked things off (looking suspiciously offside) before Gremio's Sandro Goiano was shown red. Juan Roman Riquelme then doubled the lead with a great long ranger before Pablo Ledesma added a third goal late in the game.

The Daily Snapshot: Beckham's last press conference for Real Madrid

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David Beckham smiles as he waves to the media during his last press conference as a Real player, on 14 June 2007. [Photo: Denis Doyle/Getty Images]

WAG of the week: Toni Poole

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Name Toni Poole Nationality British WAG of… England and Chelsea captain John Terry. The couple are to marry at Blenheim Palace today. They have requested Harrods gift vouchers as wedding presents. They will then have a two week honeymoon on Roman Abramovich's super yacht in the Mediterranean.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz: Picture special

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In a break from FFQ convention, we present a picture round special: 1 2 3 4 5 6 Answers below… Answers: 1 Claudio Pizarro 2 James Vaughan 3 Kakha Kaladze 4 Wagner Love 5 Florent Malouda 6 Brian Ching So how did you fare on the pictures?

Is Colorado's Rapidman the creepiest mascot of all time?

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He creeps the hell out of me with his permanent grin, massive head and blue skin, although the bit where's he stuck in the tyre swing is mascot gold…

Sean Bean appeals for Sheffield United to be re-instated to Premier League

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Hollywood actor and Sheffield United fan Sean Bean has recorded a video message criticising the Premier League panel's decision not to dock West Ham points over Carlos Tevez's transfer. The message is part of the Campaign for Fairness in Football. You can sympathise with the Blades' plight but when Bean says they were relegated through no fault of their own you can't help but think that winning more games might have helped their cause!

Retro Sao Paulo replica shirt from Toffs

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Summer is here (allegedly) and that often means football fans reaching for their Brazil shirt and heading for the nearest beach for a kickabout. Unless you're very lucky, the beach in question is unlikely to be the Copacabana and the shirt needn't be the Brazilian national team jersey. Toffs have this pretty impressive Sao Paulo replica shirt for sale.

Fabrizio Ravanelli - footballer, David Beckham lookalike and, now, swimwear model

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Talking of attire for the summer, you might want to give this outfit a miss unless you also happen to have Fabrizio Ravanelli's six-pack and baby-oiled thighs! The Silver Fox seems to have ditched his day job as a professional David Beckham lookalike and is now concentrating on modelling swimwear for Belgian designer Dirk Bikkembergs.

Volzy has taken his biology text books on his summer holiday to America

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We haven't taken a peek at Moritz Volz's diary for a while, but a recent visit to his website reveals a heap of tremendous information on his summer holiday to America - for example, how he took all six of his 'heavy biology books' with him, to revise for his exams, but that he hasn't yet got around to opening any of them, because he's 'relying on being asked the right questions' - a cunning exam trick which Pies tried on many occasions.

Yossi Benayoun off to Liverpool for £1m?

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Liverpool have confirmed their interest in West Ham's Yossi Benayoun. The Israeli playmaker has stalled on signing a new five-year deal at Upton Park, which may surprise some Irons who recall that Benayoun verbally agreed that he would remain with the club less than a month ago. Some reports suggest that Liverpool cheekily offered a mere £1m for Benayoun, but I can't imagine West Ham would let him go for that - not that they have much choice if the player is hell-bent on leaving.

Last season's best buys, according to boffins

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Spurs striker Dimitar Berbatov has been named as the best transfer buy of last season by university researchers. Pies has already given you its transfer flops of the season, but now Professor Tom Cannon, of the University of Buckingham, is informing us where the wise money was spent last summer. The analysis ranges between the blatantly obvious and the alarmingly random!

West Ham Utd and Sheffield Utd have the same fixtures. You know, just in case…

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The West Ham/Sheffield Utd relegation mess is still unresolved, but football league chiefs are clearly very confident that the Blades will fail in their bid to overturn their relegation from the Premiership - so confident that West Ham, not Sheffield, have been included in the brand new fixture list for the Prem 07/08 season. However, look more closely at the fixtures and you'll notice a pattern - every time West Ham has a home match, so do Sheffield Utd; the same goes for away games.

Inter Milan squad meet Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal

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Aw, this is so cute. As it's the tennis season, what better than to post a video showing a first date between Inter players and some of the world's top men's tennis stars, including Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal. Hernan Crespo, who looks more like a tennis player than a footballer, seems especially pleased to meet his racket-wielding idols.

The Snapshot: Mexico beat Panama in Gold Cup

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Panama head coach Alexandrie Guimarae avoids a sliding Jose Andres Guardado of Mexico during their first round match of the CONCACAF Gold Cup 2007 yesterday. We thought the Gold Cup was for horses only, but there you go! [Image: Aaron M. Sprecher/Getty]

WAG of the week: YouTube video special

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A few half-baked YouTube videos featuring some of the hottest footballer's wives and girlfriends on the planet… More after the click…

Alan Shearer iToon t-shirt from Goalhanger

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Alan Shearer may have been put out to pasture in the Match of the Day studios over a year ago, but his shadow hangs over St James Park like... erm... like a silhouetted figure dominating an iTunes advert. Not only has that last sentence put Pies in the Guinness Book of Records for the most forced simile of all time, but it has also brought us rather neatly to this t-shirt from Goalhanger.

The Premiership is back! 2007/08 fixtures released: Man Utd v Reading, Chelsea v Birmingham, Sunderland v Spurs and other less interesting opening-day ties…

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The 06/07 Premiership season has only just finished but there's no time to think about that, because the fixture list for the 2007/08 season has just been released. The new season begins on 11 August (is it me, or is that earlier than ever before?), with this set of fixtures: Arsenal v Fulham Aston Villa v Liverpool Bolton v Newcastle Chelsea v Birmingham Derby v Portsmouth Everton v Wigan Man Utd v Reading Middlesbrough v Blackburn Sunderland v Tottenham West Ham v Man City What stands out?

Classic Moments: Jason McAteer's flying karate kick

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In which the recently retired Mr McAteer manages a leaping karate kick that is way more impressive than the infamous effort by Eric Cantona, or the brutal block by Israel's Kobi Mossa. The incident occurred during a World Cup qualifier between Macedonia and the Rep. of Ireland in 1996. The Irish's away kit is quite a piece of work, too… [Via Guardian]

Terry Tate: Office Linebacker takes out a streaker

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Terry Tate: Office Linebacker was a series of short comedy sketches made by Reebok. They feature Tate instilling his own unique brand of discipline into people from all walks of life. Here he is taking on a streaker!

Reading fans top the style tables

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Reading fans are the most stylish in the country, according to a survey carried out by Brylcreem. The haircare firm interviewed fans from all 92 Football League clubs to find out their taste in hairstyle, clothes labels, drinks, holidays and nights out. The Royals fans came out on top, narrowly pipping Northampton Town supporters. John Keen, from the Reading Supporters' Trust, said: "Like every club we have our fair share of dodgy specimens.

Welcome to the Premiership: Tuncay Sanli, Middlesbrough

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Tuncay Sanli is the striker chosen by Middlesbrough to replace the sizeable hole left by the departure of Mark Viduka to Newcastle United. Sanli was out of contract at Fenerbahçe and he is due to undergo a medical with a view to completing a move to the Riverside. He is perhaps best-known for scoring a Champions League hat-trick against Manchester United in 2004.

PFA tries to break Joey Barton deadlock between Man City and Newcastle

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The Professional Footballers' Association must be used to stepping in to break up fights involving Joey Barton by now. But this time they have got themselves into a right old tussle over Barton's proposed transfer from Manchester City to Newcastle United. The deal has reportedly stalled over a reported £300,000 owed to Barton. In the blue corner are the City hierarchy who don't want to pay the fee, which Barton is entitled to if he leaves the club without requesting a transfer, because they claim he was not forced to move.

Football365's 40 signs that summer is here

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The gang at Football365 have compiled a handy little list to guide you through the close season. Here are their 40 signs that ought to let every football fan that it's summer: 1) Thierry Henry is off to Barcelona. 2) You keep checking the internet to see if you've signed someone. You just did it now. 3) And again. 4) The Mailbox is half as long as normal.

Jason McAteer retires from football

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Jason McAteer has called time on his 16-year career. The 35-year-old former Bolton, Liverpool and Republic of Ireland midfielder has been without a club since Tranmere Rovers decided not to renew his contract at the end of last season. Remember the time he won the World Cup?

West Ham to spend £18 million on Darren Bent. Are they serious?

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Darren Bent is an excellent Premiership striker who has long been linked with a (give or take the odd quid) £10 million move to a top club. Why then would he move to West Ham - a club which could easily have been playing Championship football with Charlton Athletic next season? And why would the Hammers pay so much over the odds for him? Bent might have been an £18 million striker in the transfer market of a few years back, but these days that money could buy you two Michael Owens.

The Snapshot: Leroy Lita misses a penalty for England U21s

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Leroy Lita sends Czech Republic keeper Zlamal the wrong way, but has to watch his penalty scrape the outside of the post as England under 21s draw 0-0 in their opening European Championship match.

Tuesday 10: Top England under 21 goalscorers

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With the under 21 European Championships now underway - and England struggling to find the net - we celebrate the top 10 England under 21 marksmen. 1 Alan Shearer - 13 goals No surprise that England under 21's all-time leading goalscorer is Super Al. The young Shearer bagged his under 21 goals while at Southampton. The goals came in just 11 games between 1990 and 1992, including seven goals in four Toulon matches.

Thierry Henry to sign for Barcelona... or not

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Thierry Henry has agreed a deal to move to Barcelona, according to a French football magazine. France Football claims a contract was signed at a secret Ashley Cole-style meeting in the south of France. The reports have been rubished by Henry's agents SEM Group, who were rumoured to have brokered the deal. The magazine claimed Barca's sporting director Txiki Beguiristain met Henry's agent last week.

Brian Laudrup compilation

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Brian Laudrup was one of the most phenomenally talented footballers the world has ever seen... yet... is consistently overlooked in greatest player lists. This video, focusing on his time at Rangers, shows how he could run rings around most defenders and rattle the ball home. Looks like he enjoyed his goals too!

Horror Hair - Craig Johnston

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Craig Johnston may have been born in South Africa, known as an Australian who played for England U21 and the B team, won bloody everything with Liverpool and invented the Adidas Predator boot, but on Pies, it's his horrendous barnet that gets the plaudits. A wet perm dream 'do, Johnston's flowing thatch graced the '84 Liverpool side that won the treble, which aint bad for someone who overcame an appalling bout of osteomyelitis which saw doctors suggesting an amputation of his leg.

Big four alert! Torres for sale!

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Apparently, Atletico Madrid are all ready to sell their prize pig when they will reportedly confirm that striker Fernando Torres is up for sale. Of course, this news will have many a cheque book dripping with anticipation and it will surely spark a transfer scramble with the Premier League's 'big four' all rubbing their thighs over the Spanish international.

Czech Republic U21 0-0 England U21

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England Under-21s showed its not just the senior squad capable of lacklustre starts to international championships as they played out a 0-0 draw with the Czech Republic. They were not a great deal of chances, but Reading striker Leroy Lita missed a penalty with three minutes to go to blow England's chances of getting all three points in their opening European Championship game.

'Erm, yeah. We actually won' - Fox Soccer Channel shows off its credentials

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Fox Soccer Channel reporter Jeremy St Louis has been doing his bit to shake of the reputation that Americans don't know anything about 'soccer' with his own unique brand of post-match interviews. Here he is offering his comiserations to Chivas midfielder Jesse Marsch after their 0-1 away win over Chicago Fire! [Via FourFourTwo]

Beckham's still going to LA Galaxy - the inquest begins at Real Madrid

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Shove! Ouch! Gulp! That's the sound of David Beckham ramming the words of his Real Madrid overlords down their throats. His employers have been fawning in their praise of the ex-England skipper following his dramatic return to form in a last ditch attempt to keep him at the Bernabeu. That attempt seems to have failed with LA Galaxy politely reminding the Spanish giants that they had their chance and informing them that Becks does not have a buy-out clause in his contract.

Gazza has a croon in a Kensington piano bar

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Gazza, not content with ravaging our ears with Fog on the Tyne (Revisited), is seemingly quite a keen crooner. However, like a certain tackle in a semi final in the FA Cup, his enthusiasm sometimes outweighs his skill as this video shows of Gascoigne singing away in a piano bar in Kensington. Howay!

The Snapshot: Czech Republic U21 squad train for European Championship match against England

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Coach Ladislav Skorpil supervises his players during the Czech Republic's training session at The Gelredome Stadium on 10 June, 2007 in Arnhem, Netherlands. The Czechs play England in their opening European Championship match later today. [Photo: Christopher Lee/Getty Images]

Giuly on his way to Newcastle?

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You can't argue with Sam Allardyce's ambition. Out with Titus Bramble and (hopefully) in with Barcelona's Ludovic Giuly. Big Sam is trying to lure the skillful Frenchman to Newcastle after Giuly's recognition that he is surplus to requirements at the Nou Camp. Giuly is set to leave Barca this summer after becoming disillusioned at his lack of first-team action with his last appearance coming in the 1-0 Champions League win at Liverpool in March.

Witness the crazy scenes as Genoa and Napoli gain promotion to Serie A

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As you can imagine, two teams winning promotion in the game game will spark chaotic scenes. Well, watch as Genoa and Napoli have a small pitch invasion, throw their kit to the fans and generally go wild at the sound of the referees whistle. Thing is, the ref hadn't blown for full time. Cracking stuff! When the ref finally blows, more mayhem ensues.

Leo Messi scores the Hand of God Mark II

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Most Argentinian footballers labelled the next Maradona have buckled under the pressure and ended up not meeting their potential. Not Lionel Messi. The Barcelona star seems to revel in copycatting his hero. After scoring a carbon copy of Diego's incredible second goal against England at the 1986 World Cup earlier this season, Messi has now replicated the first goal of that game - the infamous Hand of God.

Robbie Fowler in talks to join Becks at LA Galaxy

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Rumours linking Robbie Fowler with a move to the US have been knocking around for a while, but it has now emerged that he has been in talks with LA Galaxy over a possible deal. The News of the World reported that David Beckham's new club had failed to tempt Ole Gunnar Solskjaer to the States, but were more hopeful of securing Fowler's services.

Chelsea away shirt 1984-85

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If you are one of the (at the time of writing) 68 per cent of the Pies population who find Chelsea's new day-glo away kit ever so slightly vomit-inducing, we might just have a solution (if you were in the market for a Chelsea away kit in the first place, that is!). The brilliant ClassicFootballShirts.co.uk has a great range of retro football shirts, including this Chelsea away kit from the 1984-85 season, which is indoubtedly more stylish than the fluorescent monstrosity.

Horror Hair: Alexander Mostovoi

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Following the Great Alexander Mostovoi Search © last week, Pies came across this tremendous Horror Hair effort from Mostovoi during his Soviet Union days. We are not sure whether Queen were big in the USSR, but there is more than a hint of Freddie Mercury about the young Mostovoi's appearance. You also sense that he would like the hair to be more like Brian May if only he could get those curls.

Everton close to Phil Jagielka deal

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Sheffield United midfielder/defender/goalkeeper Phil Jagielka is close to completing a £4 million switch to Everton. Confirmation from new manager Bryan Robson that Jagielka is set to leave the club comes days after sneaky Evertonians updated Jagielka's Wikipedia page to make him a Toffee. Robson said: "Keeping Phil looks like it's going to be a problem.

Football corruption: an arrest at last

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Police investing corruption in football have made an arrest. A 61-year-old man has been arrested in Manchester on suspicion of money laundering. The man - who is said not to be a football agent - was taken into custody on Wednesday by the economic crime unit of the City of London police. He has now been released on bail until October. A police spokesman said: ""We can confirm a 61-year-old man has been arrested in Manchester in connection with our investigation into football corruption.

Anyone know who 'Moctobon' is?

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I'm not too sure about the finer details of this goal, but I do know it gives a new meaning to the phrase trying to work it in. What a goal though! Can anyone fill in the blanks?

David Beckham at risk from deep vein thrombosis (but not really)

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David Beckham's mega-commute from LA (a Galaxy far, far away) to London could play havoc with his health, according to attention-seeking 'experts'. Becks will clock up thousands of air miles if he continues to play for England while with the LA Galaxy, prompting aviation health expert Farrol Kahn to warn: 'It puts him in the high-risk category for getting deep-vein thrombosis (DVT).

Die Toten Hosen hate Bayern

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One of the most celebrated songs by cult German band Die Toten Hosen ('The Dead Trousers', literally) is 'Bayern', which is actually an anti-Bayern Munich song. Here's the video to said song: If any German readers can provide Pies with a good translation of the lyrics, that would be great. Our A-level German is not so hot these days, but I think the basic message is that you should support a team for a good reason, not purely because they are successful or famous or rich (in FC Hollywood's case, all three).

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Olympique Lyonnais, Paris Saint-Germain, AC Milan, Olympique Marseille, Bolton Wanderers, Birmingham City, Leicester City (current). Whose rollercoaster career? 2 Which German football club does ginger tennis legend Boris Becker support? 3 Picture round. Name this Premiership star-in-the-making… 4 Which team plays its home games at the Swangard Stadium in Burnaby, British Columbia?

Sweden awarded victory after ref attack

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Sweden have been awarded a 3-0 victory after their Euro 2008 qualifier in Denmark on 2 June was abandoned when a fan ran on to the pitch and smacked the referee in the guts. Denmark have been fined £41,000 and must play their next four home games at least 250km away from Copenhagen. The Group F tie was locked at 3-3 with 89 minutes gone when a fan tried to attack referee Herbert Fandel after he awarded a penalty to Sweden.

Iceland show why you should always play to the whistle

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When you play football as a kid aside from running around like a headless chicken, a few useful phrases usually help you to get by. The occasional 'You're kicking the other way', 'Play to the whistle' or 'If in doubt, kick it out' bawled by the coach from the touchline can work wonders. Iceland - the country not the supermarket - must be wishing they had someone offering them the latter two pointers during their game on Wednesday night.

Newcastle ruin Alistair Griffin's career

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Well they can't take all the credit because Fame Academy helped, but singer-songwriter Griffin's tribute to Mark Viduka has been rendered useless by the big Aussie's move to St James's Park. Middlesbrough fan Griffin is unlikely to rewrite the words of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah yet again with Magpies-themed lyrics. The line And from our team you can't take Mark Viduka is clearly even less true than all the ones about Boro playing exciting football!

The Snapshot: Luca Toni and Franck Ribery are Bayern Munich's Beauty and the Beast

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Standing next to Franck Ribery instantly makes any man look like a demi-godlike cross between George Clooney, Brad Pitt and that beardy fellow from 300. And indeed, Luca Toni does look like the most handsome man in the world in this photo. He's a good-looking fella anyway, but next to Ribery he looks even more dark and tall and handsome, in a rugged sort of way.

Classic Moment: Hooligan self defence with Paul Kaye

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'Right, I don't want to see any Jackie Chan bollocks, I wanna see some windmilling in…' The criminally underrated Paul Kaye on fine form in this sketch, released around the time of the 2002 World Cup in Japan and Korea. [It features NSFW language, btw]

Football hooligans + Aphex Twin = scary movie

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Aphex Twin's fearsome 'Come To Daddy' set to footage of football hooligans doing their 'thing'. Yes, it is as scary as it sounds… Incidentally, the cut at around 2min 28sec is absolute genius.

Xabi Alonso signs new Liverpool contract

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Some good news for Liverpool after last week's shocker - Xabi Alonso has signed a new deal with the club. The 25-year-old midfielder had been linked with a move back to his native Spain, has he has now committed to Liverpool until 2012. 'I knew there was interest from other clubs but it was always my idea to stay here. It's a special club and I just didn't want to leave,' said Alonso.

Get well soon Tommy Smith

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Tommy Smith, the former Liverpool defender/clogger nicknamed the Anfield Iron, was recovering in hospital last night after suffering a heart attack at his home in Crosby on Tuesday. The 62-year-old is understood to have collapsed while mowing the lawn but crawled back into his house before his wife, Sue, called an ambulance. The former Liverpool captain was later taken to Fazackerley hospital with medical staff confident he will be discharged by the weekend.

Top five retro World Cup logos that are better than the London 2012 Olympic logo

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£400k on the Olympic logo? Football does it so much better… 1 Argentina 78 Simple and effective. 2 Mexico 70 A classic logo from a classic tournament. 3 Germany 74 The WM stands for Welt Mannschaft, which is German for World Cup. 4 Italia 90 Nessun Dorma, Nessun Dorma etc.

Juan Pablo Angel scores again for New York Red Bulls

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Angel scored both goals to help New York to a 2-1 win at Toronto last night. The former Aston Villa striker has now scored in four consecutive matches. NY's win moves them above the KC Wizards at the top of the Eastern Conference. Watch the highlights below…

Drunken Denmark fan computer game

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The drunken oaf who forced the match between Denmark and Sweden to be abandoned after attacking the referee is the latest football incident to be given the Java treatment by footy-loving computer geeks. The rules and explanation of this new game are in Danish, which adds to the fun. As far as I can tell, you are referee Herbert Fandel. You mission is to chuck as many red cards possible at your drunken assailant until Christian Poulsen kills you.

The sensitive side of Sir Alex Ferguson: Chinese cookery and Mich Hucknall

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The Guardian reports on a fascinating radio interview (with Key 103) with Sir Alex Ferguson, in which the Man Utd boss reveals a more sensitive side to his personality. Fergie talks about his love of cookery and his friendship with fellow Scot Gordon Ramsay: 'I was into cooking a great deal and I could do most things. In terms of what you see nowadays I would be lost, but I can still do a good pasta or a Chinese… He's fine, Gordon [Ramsay].

Robert Pires: Thierry Henry should leave Arsenal

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Arsenal fans won't thank Bob Pires for quotes in the Spanish press urging his old mate Thierry Henry to leave London and join Barcelona: 'Thierry Henry would be very happy at Barca. I should not be saying this [but I'm going to anyway…], as Arsenal, their manager and their fans are all very good. But it would be best for him to make the change.

Shit lookalike: Dunga and Joaquim de Almeida

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Thanks to Pies reader Andrew Stewart for suggesting our latest Shit lookalike. As you can see, Brazil coach Dunga is in fact the spiky-haired twin of Portuguese actor Joaquim de Almeida. We would, of course, have got round to this lookalike eventually what with Pies being huge Portuguese cinema buffs! Stay tuned for a German opera singer who's the spit of John Terry and a croquet player who bears a striking resemblance to Paul Dickov courtesy of your new, highbrow Shit lookalikes.

A cow playing football

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The title sums it up really. Check out the dummy - that takes real class!

Sky's Richard Keys swears 'off-air' during Faroe Islands vs Scotland coverage

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Keys' excellent foul-mouthed blooper last night, when he thought he couldn't be heard by the audience, went something along the lines of 'Daft little ground, silly game, fuck off…'

David Villa scores magical bicycle kick as Spain beat Lichtenstein 2-0

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Will someone with a silly amount of money please bring David Villa to the Premier League please? Last night, Villa scored both goals as Spain beat tiny Lichtenstein last night. Villa's second goal was a sublime bicycle kick. The striker missed out on a hat-trick when he missed a pen in the dying seconds of the match.
Liechtenstein 0 - 2 Spain
Uploaded by FootballHeaven

Adebayor "not so shit in front of goal"

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God bless Emmanuel Adebayor. The Arsenal striker has possibly used the word "so" to the best effect all season as he responded to criticism of his finishing by insisting he's "not so shit in front of goal". The Togolese hitman produced a number of decent performances last season but was prone to missing the odd chance in front of the sticks.

Paddy Kenny does three marathons in three days to raise £10,000 for charity

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If you thought Sheffield United keeper Paddy Kenny was your traditional tubby pie-eating goalie (and we freely admit that is exactly what we thought), then think again. The Republic of Ireland international has run three marathons in three days to raise money for a children's hospice. Kenny ran 26 miles a day from Skegness to Sheffield raising £10,000 in the process.

Owl delays Finland and Belgium game for six minutes

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The Euro 2008 qualifier between Finland and Belgium was held up for six minutes... by an owl. The eagle owl swooped into the stadium 19 minutes into the match, landing on the pitch and goals. Premiership referee Mike Riley stopped the game until the owl retreated to a safety barrier behind the goal to keep a beady eye on proceedings.
Le Hibou Finlandais
Uploaded by Sambabugatti

The Snapshot: Peter Crouch scores against Estonia

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Peter Crouch scores during the Euro 2008 qualifying match between Estonia and England last night in Tallinn, Estonia. [Photo: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images]

Estonia v England, player ratings

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Paul Robinson Points for keeping a clean sheet but he is still unconvincing at this level and should have done better on a couple of occasions. 6 Wes Brown A wholly unremarkable performance. Had little defending to do, but hardly impressed going forward. 6 John Terry Hard to fault the captain.

Estonia v England, video highlights

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Steve McClaren must have slept well last night after a professional performance by his England team in Estonia. Joe Cole and Peter Crouch scored fine goals and then little Mickey Owen ensured the win with a clever finish…
Estonia - England | All 3 Goals
Uploaded by GOAAAAL Click below to see post-match reaction from Steve McClaren and man-of-the-match David Beckham.

THE VOTE Is Chelsea's new day-glo away kit an eyesore?

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According the Super Soaraway Current Bun, Chelsea's new luminous yellow away shirt, leaked a few days before its official launch, was 'chosen by Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich, who likes Barcelona's bright orange away jerseys'. Chelski will debut the day-glo jersey for a friendly against Suwon Blue-wings in LA on 17 July. MySpace Poll - Take Our Poll

Sasa Curcic in the Serbian Big Brother house

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Here is former Crystal Palace midfielder Sasa Curcic taking part in the Serbian version of Celebrity Big Brother, including an excellent dance to MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This. [Via FourFourTwo]

Fans could die warned UEFA

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UEFA are getting more stick for their recent comments about Liverpool fans and have been warned by Phil Hammond, of the Hillsborough Support Group, that a fan could die if they do not improve organisation at their matches. Liverpool's fans were branded the worst in Europe by UEFA spokesman William Gaillard - a sentiment retracted by president Michel Platini - as he revealed a dossier of 25 incidents involving supporters.

Kuwait hold Portugal to a draw

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Portugal were held to a surprising 1-1 draw by Kuwait (or rather club side Al Salmiya representing Kuwait) with a superb free-kick. Look closely, and you'll see someone on the bench enjoying a nice cup of coffee! More of that in the Premiership please! I want to see Fergie with a flask.
KUWAIT 1-1 PORTUGAL TVTUGA
Uploaded by simaodcosta

Estonia v England: betting guide

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We think it's as simple as this: if England don't beat Estonia tonight, they won't qualify for Euro 2008. England should beat Estonia of course, but of course we're looking at another Andorra style of match, where the underdogs have no intention of scoring a goal. A 0-0 draw would be a triumph for Estonia, but a disaster for England and Steve McClaren.

WIN! An all-expenses trip to LA to watch David Beckham's first game for LA Galaxy!

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To celebrate the launch of brilliant new travel blog Lost Weekend (brought to you by the creators of most-excellent footy blog Who Ate All the Pies), we have rustled up a competition so tasty that your head may explode just reading about it. We're offering you the chance to win two match tickets to watch football megastar David Beckham play his first game for new club LA Galaxy, scheduled to be against Chivas on 23 August.

Morais picks a fight with Brazilian reporter

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In which Vasco's Morais take exception to a reporter's question, following his team's draw with Fluminense. I love the way he nobly puts up his dukes, Marquis of Queensbury style. [Via The Offside]

Shinawatra love City long time (maybe)

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Thaksin Shinawatra, the deposed Thai prime minister, is hoping to conclude his takeover of Manchester City within the next 2 weeks. Citeh have missed out on Tinkerman Ranieri after he got a bit bored of waiting for the takeover to complete, and thus, promptly buggered off to Juventus. City hope to be in a position where they can almost immediately bring in a new manager to fill the gap left by Stuart Pearce's sacking.

Classic Estonia Moment: Andres Oper gives Estonia the lead in the Baltic derby

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Andres Oper is probably Estonia's most famous outfield player. He currently plays for Roda JC in Holland. Here he is giving Estonia the lead against Latvia in the World Cup 2006 qualifier. Estonia held on to win the game 2-1.

Francesco Totti scores a backheeled penalty in training

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This video of Francesco Totti showing off his penalty taking skills has been doing the rounds. Pah, we can all do it training, Franny, but can you do it when the pressure is on!!!

Shit Lookalike: Estonia's Andres Oper and Ralf Schumacher

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Ahead of England's Euro 2008 qualifier Pies against Estonia brings you another Shit Lookalike. Striker Andres Oper - an injury doubt for tonight's game - is a bit of a ringer for racing driver Ralf Schumacher.

Blog of the week: You'll Never Blog Alone

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You'll Never Blog Alone (great title) is written by Amanda, a 'Twentysomething American, distracting herself from law school by obsessing about 1) Liverpool FC, 2) the England national team, and 3) Steven Gerrard.' In her own words, Amanda is 'an avowed Chelsea and Real Madrid hater, and I refuse to care about the US Men's National Team. You are warned'.

The Snapshot: Steve McClaren faces the press

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Beleaguered England boss Steve McClaren faces the media during the England press conference held at the Reva Olympia Hotel on 5 June, 2007 in Tallin, Estonia. [Photo: Alex Livesey/Getty Images]

Shit lookalikes: Uefa's William Gaillard and a fat clown

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Uefa spokesman William Gaillard – the man who branded Liverpool's fans the worst in Europe – has been called a 'clown' by Liverpool's co-owner Tom Hicks. From these pictures, we see exactly what Hicks means.

England under 21s thrash Slovakia

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England under 21s beat Slovakia 5-0 in their warm-up match for the European Championships. Stuart Pearce's side bagged four second half goals to secure a comfortable win. They also won a practice penalty shootout organised by Pearce 4-3. Kieran Richardson gave England the lead from the spot:
England U21 1 - 0 Slovakia U21
Uploaded by FootballHeaven Nigel Reo-Coker got the second with this deflected half-volley:
England U21 2 - 0 Slovakia U21
Uploaded by FootballHeaven Centre-back Steven Taylor poached the third:
England U21 3 - 0 Slovakia U21
Uploaded by FootballHeaven Tom Huddlestone curled in a classy fourth goal:
England U21 4 - 0 Slovakia U21
Uploaded by FootballHeaven And Leroy Lita completed the rout:
England U21 5 - 0 Slovakia U21
Uploaded by FootballHeaven

USA 4-1 China: the video review

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A solid performance from our American cousins, featuring goals from Man City's DaMarcus Beasley and Fulham's Clint Dempsey. Big Gooch Onyewu, formerly of Newcastle United, also scored, with a well-directed header.

Rumours and bullshit: Claudio Ranieri wants to bring Frank Lampard to Juventus

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Claudio Ranieri, the new manager of Juventus and the man who brought Frank Lampard to Chelsea from West Ham, is reportedly keen on luring Lamps to Italy with a £12m bid. Juve have already armed Ranieri with a £70m war chest for new signings and he will use part of that to table a bid for the Chelsea midfielder, who has yet to sort out a new contract.

Tuesday 10: Football drink-drivers

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Our weekly lists looks at 10 footballers who stupidly had at least one too many before getting behind the wheel. Far too many to choose from for this category, but here we go... 1 Tony Adams Football's most well-known drink-driver was jailed for three months in 1990 for drink driving. Already Arsenal club captain at the time, Adams was sent to Chelmsford Open Prison after crashing his car into a wall while four times over the legal limit.

Barton in talks with Hammers and Magpies

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Manchester City outcast Joey Barton is poised to hold transfer talks with Newcastle and West Ham after both clubs agreed £5.5m deals. Now, we all know that Big Sam is an admirer up at St James' Park, but West Ham? A statement on City's website read: "Newcastle United and West Ham have submitted bids of £5.5m or more for the player's services.

Tarana wonder strike ends Genoa's hopes for Serie A promotion

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If you're going to be denied promotion to Serie A in the penultimate match of the season, then it might as well be a loss inflicted by a goal of the highest quality. Mantova 1-0 victory over Genoa was lit up by a stunning solo effort from Tarana which has set up a mouth watering tie for next weekend. On the final day of the season, Genoa host Napoli in a winner-takes-all match of two fallen titans, and whoever emerges victorious will be promoted to the Serie A.

Classic Estonia Moments: Indrek Zelinski scores a fluke

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Continuing our Estonian build-up to tomorrow's Euro 2008 qualifier, here is Estonia striker Indrek Zelinski scoring a fluke which I believe is in the Swedish league for Landskrona. He attempts to pull the ball back with his right foot, kicks it against his left foot and the keeper is left stranded.

Fink Tank's scientific ranking of Premiership players is 99.7% shit

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The Times' football boffin, Daniel Finkelstein (the man responsible for the brilliantly named Fink Tank column), has ranked every Premiership player based on some impossible-to-comprehend mathematical formula. It's 'a multivariate Poisson log-normal model', if that means anything to you at all. The rankings are based purely on players' contributions to their team, not 'abstract talent', and so Frank Lampard ends up in 2nd place with Steven Gerrard – a better player, indisputably - down in 80th (!

WAG of the week: Radka Kocurova

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Name Radka Kocurova Nationality Czech Republic WAG of… ravishing Radka, a former Miss Czech Republic, goes out with Arsenal's underperforming midfielder Tomas Rosicky. Fame ranking 5/10 She's very big news in her home country, where she is the equivalent of Victoria Beckham, but still unknown over in the UK.

Lovejoy quits Soccer AM

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Tim Lovejoy is quitting his job presenting Sky's Soccer AM after 10 years. Didn't see that coming! His co-presenter, Helen Chamberlain, is going to remain with the show, which will return for the new 2007/8 season but who will sit beside her? No news as to who is going to replace Lovejoy, but expect an announcement soon. Sky said Lovejoy, who also presents BBC Two's Sunday show Something for the Weekend, was looking for a "change of life direction," with some reports linking him to a new celebrity entertainment show for Simon Fuller's 19 TV.

Cult Hero: Mehmet Scholl (Bayern Munich & Germany)

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Whilst searching the internet for pictures of Radka Kocurova (it's a hard life, Piesfolk), I stumbled across this tremendous picture of Mehmet Scholl (former Bayern Munich star) and his new girlfriend Jessica. I like a man who's not afraid to be seen in public wearing leather shorts and knee-length socks (traditional Bavarian dress, I believe).

WIN! An all-expenses trip to LA to watch David Beckham's first game for LA Galaxy!

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To celebrate the launch of brilliant new travel blog Lost Weekend (brought to you by the creators of most-excellent footy blog Who Ate All the Pies), we have rustled up a competition so tasty that your head may explode just reading about it. We're offering you the chance to win two match tickets to watch football megastar David Beckham play his first game for new club LA Galaxy, scheduled to be against Chivas on 23 August.

Arsenal's new white kit looks even worse than we first suspected…

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Arseblog is not impressed with Arsenal's 'minging' white kit, and I have to agree with him. It just doesn't say Arsenal to me in any way, although I've always had a soft spot for hooped socks. Cesc, Thierry, Gilberto and little Theo seem very pleased with it though - either that or they've just bum-rushed the Tube ticket barrier and saved a fiver.

Kieron Dyer to play at right-back for England?

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The word on the street is that Kieron Dyer may start at right-back for England against Estonia tomorrow. The Newcastle midfielder (there's a clue in there somewhere, Stevie Mac) would replace the hopelessly one-paced Jamie Carragher, who played there against Brazil; Carra is set to switch to partner John Terry at centre-back, which makes more sense.

Sky's Dream Team ends after 10 years

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So Harchester United have played their final game on Sky One. I was never a big fan of Dream Team - yes it was harmless TV froth, but it celebrated the materialistic, shallow, tabloid-friendly side of British football, and as such it never appealed to me. Anyway, if you were a fan or you haven't seen it before, here's a compilation of some of the best bits from previous series, starting with the first ever series: More 'best bits' highlights from all ten seasons of Dream Team after the jump… Series two: Series three: Series four: Series five: Series six: Series seven: A clip from the final episode of series eight: Outtakes from season nine: And, finally, action from the tenth and final Dream Team series:

Juande Ramos set to take Manchester City job

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Seville boss Juande Ramos is the new favourite to take charge at Manchester City. The Spaniard is the new frontrunner to take over at Eastlands after Claudio Ranieri was appointed Juventus manager. The 52-year-old is still overseeing Seville's La Liga title tug-of-war with Real Madrid and Barcelona. BBC correspondent Jonathan Legard said: "I am told the man that City could now concentrate on is Ramos.

Big Sam to sign Big Mark Viduka for Newcastle?

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Newcastle Utd have agreed 'in principle' to sign big-boned Boro striker Mark Viduka. The Aussie, still only 31, has been offered an extended deal by Gareth Southgate but has yet to decide if he will stay at the Riverside, according to the Beeb. Portsmouth, West Ham & Birmingham are also reportedly keen on the hot-and-cold striker - but if I was Viduka, I'd definitely choose St James' Park.

The Snapshot: Australia vs Uruguay

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Australian fans support their team during the friendly match between Australia and Uruguay at Telstra Stadium on 2 June, 2007 in Sydney. Uruguay won the match 2-1. Watch the goals after the click. [Photo: Matt King/Getty Images]

Nicky Carle's crap rabona (Australia vs Uruguay)

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This isn't quite up there with David Dunn's famous f**k-up, and you can't compare it with the Greatest Goal of All Time®, but it is funny enough to publish on Pies. What is this, Australia Day or something? That's three Oz posts in a row. It won't happen again, we promise.

Horror Hair: Rodrigo Palacio's rat-tail

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Our latest Horror Hair candidate is Boca Juniors' Rodrigo Palacio, as nominated by Pies reader David Keyes. We thought the rat-tail look had been once again confined to Horror Hair heaven following a brief outing by Sweden's Christian Wilhelmsson at last summer's World Cup. Now it seems the rat lives on and its tail is firmly attached to the head of the Argentinian.

Poland's entry in the Eurovision Great Own Goal Contest gets 12 points from us…

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Props to Pies reader Lupek for alerting us to this screamer of an own goal, scored by a player called Mądry ( which, according to Lupek, means 'wise') of ŁKS Łomża, in an away game against Polonia Warszawa, in a Polish second-division fixture last week. Enjoy…

Classic Estonia Moments: Mart Poom scores for Sunderland against Derby

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Pies suspects that Classic England v Estonia Moments might be a tad thin on the ground, so here is Estonian keeper Mart Poom scoring for Sunderland against Derby (we might be in danger of having a Classic Mart Poom Moments section!). And as if that desperate topical peg wasn't reason enough to put this video up, listen out for Des Lynam's nonsensical ramblings.

West Ham are really starting to piss off David Moyes

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What has Everton boss David Moyes done to piss off West Ham Utd? Moyes has been forced to publicly rubbish claims that star striker Andrew Johnson will be tempted to Upton Park for around a £13m fee: 'AJ was a top player at Everton last season and he will be again next season… The West Ham consortium wouldn't have enough money to buy Johnson or any other Everton player… and for them to think they could shows a real lack of understanding of our game.

Denmark fan attacks referee in Sweden game

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The Euro 2008 qualifier between Sweden and Denmark at the weekend was abandoned after 89 minutes after a Danish supporter ran onto the pitch and attacked referee Herbert Fandel. The Danes had been 3-0 down but had fought back to 3-3 against their bitter rivals. With just a minute to play, Christian Poulsen had a rush of blood to the head and wallopped Swedish striker Markus Rosenberg in the penalty area.

Horror Hair: Andy Gray

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While Andy Gray is taking a slating in the red tops, it is worth considering that the bald Sky Sports pundit was once an excellent Horror Hair ambassador. It may be hard to imagine as the studio lights bounce of his shiny forehead, but Gray once sported this candy floss perm. I suspect the crazy blond barnet is hiding a multitude of sins and that the hairline was already receding at this stage.

Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher sign new deals at Liverpool. Calm down, calm down!

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Token Scousers Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher have extended their contracts at Anfield until 2011. The pair have wasted no time in committing to Liverpool's new American owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett. Carragher, aged 29, said: "Yerrrrrrm, I am very pleased. Obviously we are both local lads and I've always said I wanted to stay here for the rest of my career.

Andy Gray: 'You’ve got great f****** tits. But not as great as mine.'

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We are used to tabloid tales of football players getting up to no good on their summer holidays, but it seems the rule also applies to former players-turned-pundits. It seems when Andy Gray is not getting all over-excited about yet another hyped-up Sunday afternoon 0-0, he loves nothing better than to get drunkenly over-excited about women on his holidays.

Fulham's new Nike kit is so stylish it even makes Jimmy Bullard look good

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Fulham have signed a lucrative four-year kit deal with Nike (the American influence paying off?), which in addition to the club's shirts sponsorship deal with electronic giants LG, is a sign that the club means business for next season. The 2007/08 season kit reflects is 'a modern revision of the all-white home shirt first worn in 1903'. Fulham will wear a black-and-red striped away shirt, similar to the one worn during the 1974/75 season, when the club reached the FA Cup final.

Hot soccer babes in short skirts having a kickabout

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The headline says it all. Go red team!

Juventus snatch Claudio Ranieri away from Man City

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Bad news for Man City fans hoping to see Claudio Ranieri transform their club's fortunes next season - it's just been announced that Juventus have appointed the Tinkerman as their new coach. Ranieri resigned as Parma head coach last week and had been strongly linked with the vacant City job. Does this open up the way for Sven-Goran Eriksson to take his first Premiership job?

Lucas Leiva, Liverpool's Brazilian wonder kid: the video highlights

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With the huge fuss made of Man Yoo's signings of prodigies Nani and Anderson, it's been easy to overlook the fact that Liverpool recently signed the Brazilian league's player of the year (he was the youngest ever player to win it), Lucas, a 20-year-old box-to-box midfielder who scores plenty of goals and has been compared to Steven Gerrard. Lucas is not as flashy as compatriot Anderson but I think he's better suited to the Premiership.

Nani shows his class, Belgium vs Portugal

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Man Yoo's Portuguese replacement for Ryan Giggs, Nani, scored a lovely, Cristiano Ronaldo-esque goal for the national team against Belgium on Saturday. Watch it below… That's one more sleepless night for Premiership defenders.

England 1-1 Brazil: five observations

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1 That must be the first time a match at Wembley has been held up while the President of a country snogs each of his players! 2 With David Beckham back in the fold, surely Alan Smith can't be allowed to play as well. England's bottle blond quota is met. We will soon be looking like the Romanian squad at Euro 2000. 3 Mark Lawrenson's dry humour in the commentary box can be funny, but it seems to be bordering on boredom at times.

Danish fan attacks referee during Denmark v Sweden Euro 2008 qualifier

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This crazy Euro 08 qualifer was officially abandoned with one minute left to play when a Danish fan attacked referee Herbert Fandel after Denmark defender Christian Poulsen was sent off; Fandel also awarded a penalty to the Swedes, which was never taken. A result will not be confirmed until a full investigation is completed by UEFA. Fandel has since said of the incident: 'Luckily, the Danish players protected me.

Are Liverpool fans really the worst in Europe?

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Liverpool fans have been labelled the worst in Europe. A Uefa report says Reds fans have been involved in more incidents in Europe – 25, to be precise – during the past four years than any other club. The damning report on the club's fans will be handed to sports minister Richard Caborn tomorrow. At the Champions League final in Athens thousands of Liverpool fans reportedly turned up without tickets or with known forgeries, charged the barriers, stole tickets out of the hands of children and caused general havoc but Uefa, an organisation which seems to have something against English football in general, must take some of the blame for shoddy organisation - the 2005 Champions League final in Istanbul passed without major incident, as I recall, and that also involved Liverpool.

Graham Poll quit because people kept calling him names

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Graham Poll says abuse from fans over his World Cup blunder influenced his decision to quit as a football referee. Who would've thunk that? Fans giving a referee some stick! Of course, the fans were reminding Poll about his failure to dismiss Croatia's Josip Simunic until he had shown him three yellow cards at the 2006 tournament. "I've been unable to disassociate myself with that," the 43-year-old official told the BBC's Inside Sport.

Wigan Athletic sign Titus Bramble. They're doomed

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Wigan have signed error-prone defender Titus Bramble on a three-year contract, thereby sealing their fate next season. Bramble joins on a free transfer and becomes Chris Hutchings' first signing as Wigan manager - well Chris, things can only get better. 'This is an excellent signing and he'll add experience to the back four,' Hutchings said of the 25-year-old.

Croatia beat Estonia in Euro Qualifier

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What can we expect on Wednesday when England take on Estonia. Well, I think we all await some very deep defending and only a fool would think we'll hammer them. Croatia took on Estonia at the weekend and only just managed a 1-0 victory thanks to a decent goal from Eduardo.[Mof Gimmers]

Anelka is going nowhere says Bolton chairman

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When ManYoo come sniffing around, you have to take it seriously. With rumours floating around that Fergie is keen to take the French hitman away from The Reebok Stadium, Bolton chairman Phil Gartside has jumped in both feet to dispel the rumours. Gartside insisted that Manchester United have "no interest" in signing Anelka even though the French international admitted over the weekend that he "could not say no" to a move to Old Trafford.

MLS video review: all the goals from week nine

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This week's highlights include a second straight hat-trick by Kansas City's Eddie Johnson, goals by Juan Pablo Angel and Danny Dichio (remember him!), plus a much-needed win for Chicago Fire. [Via Climbing the Ladder]

Shit lookalike: Frank Lampard and Ravi from BBC Three's Filthy Rich and Homeless

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I couldn't help but notice that BBC Three's latest reality show, Filthy Rich and Homeless features, a guy called Ravi who is, in fact, the Asian Frank Lampard.

England v Brazil, player ratings

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Paul Robinson One of his sharper games in an England shirt, and couldn't really be blamed for Brazil's late equaliser. 6 Jamie Carragher The least dynamic right-back in the world. We don't dispute his many qualities at centre-back, but he's nowhere near as versatile as Steve McLaren seems to think.

The Snapshot: Ryan Giggs' last international for Wales

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Wales captain Ryan Giggs shakes the hand of manager John Toshack after being substituted on his last international appearance during the Euro 2008 Group D qualifying match between Wales and Czech Republic at the Millennium Stadium. The match ended 0-0. [Photo: Stu Forster/Getty Images]

The Fast Show's tribute to Ryan Giggs

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Paul Whitehouse and co's own tribute to Giggsy Wiggsy. [Spotted on The Offside]

England v Brazil Classic Moment: Michael Owen's second most famous goal against Brazil, 2000

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The boy's got form, but will Little Mickey find the net against Brazil again tonight?

The Best Young Players Outside the Premiership

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A cracking video compilation which reminds us that there's a hell of a lot of young British talent outside of the Premiership…
Best Young Players Outside The Premiership
Uploaded by super-goal [Via 101greatgoals]

England v Brazil Classic Moment: Michael Owen gives England an early in 2002

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Michael Owen pounces on Lucio's mistake in the quarter-finals of the 2002 World Cup to give England an early lead. England famously held onto the lead and actually went on to win the tournament... or not! Normal service was soon resumed, but here is the brief moment when we all thought we were going to win the World Cup with a side featuring Trevor Sinclair and Danny Mills.

England v Brazil: betting guide

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If you fancy wasting, I mean investing some cash in tonight's England v Brazil friendly at Wembley (coverage begins at 7.30pm on BBC 1), then step into our office… Match to be a draw (11-5) A friendly against Brazil is never a typical friendly, and you can bet that England will take tonight's match seriously. But Brazil have enough talent to hold England and a draw seems the value at 11-5.

Sagatiba: Pure Spirit of Brazil football documentary

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Here's an eight-minute highlights edit from an excellent TV documentary about Brazilian football, to get you in the mood for tonight's big game.

Gerrard and Lampard CAN play together! Oh, the relief

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Stop us if you've heard this one before… England skipper John 'Mr JT' Terry has rubbished claims that Frank Lampard and… wait for it… Steven Gerrard cannot play together. Terry is very confident that buddy Fat Frank and Stevie G can form a deadly partnership in central midfield, although why he is so confident is a mystery. Terry said: 'It's baffling what people say because Frank and Steven are two of the best players in world football and are playing great stuff week in, week out… People say they can't play together which, for me, is ridiculous.

More hot Brazilian babes mess about with a football

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If this hasn't been the most fun day I've had on Pies, then I don't know what is. Brazil should play in England every week.

The Snapshot: Brazil's training session at Wembley

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Ronaldinho takes a break during a training session ahead of tonight's international friendly match between England and Brazil at Wembley Stadium. [Photo: Clive Mason/Getty Images]

Nicky Shorey's honeymoon in Estonia

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When Nicky Shorey was playing Championship football with Reading last season he could not in his wildest dreams have imagined he would be honeymooning with John Terry (if he was that way) the following year. But so it is. Having made his England debut against Brazil this evening, the 26-year-old will be whisked away to get married on Saturday.

England v Brazil Classic Moment: David Platt sticks it to the 'samba stars'

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Honestly, who really calls Brazil the samba stars? Shit yokel commentators, that's who (is he the guy who does boxing for Sky now?)… Neat finish from Platty though. The final score was 1-1.

Brazil soccer babes video shoot for Playboy

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On this day of celebrating all things Brazilian, here's an agonisingly brief clip of a famous video shoot for Brazilian Playboy (no nudity but, well, you can guess the content): If you haven't seen the photos yet, you are missing out. You can see them all here, but be warned if you are at work that nudity is most definitely involved this time.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz: Brazil special

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1 Sao Paulo, Olympique Lyonnais, Barcelona (current). Whose career? 2 Brazil is the only nation to have played in every World Cup finals. True or false? 3 Picture round. Who's this legend of Brazilian football? 4 What's the lowest FIFA international ranking Brazil has ever had? 5 What's the only country to have played Brazil but never lost? 6 The club crest challenge.

Oh yeah! Kaka-style 'I Belong To Pie' t-shirt

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TShirts365 we love you and wouldn't mind having your babies. Just days after we were pondering the potential for naughty schoolboy mischief provided by Kaka's I Belong To Jesus t-shirt, and the gang at TShirts365 respond with this beauty. Pies reader Mike had touted an I Belong To Kaka t-shirt, but we can cope with this semi-namecheck! To buy the I Belong To Pie t-shirt for £14.

THE VOTE Do you think David Beckham regrets his decision to join LA Galaxy?

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Now that David Beckham is looking lean, mean and hungry again - his brilliant performance against Deportivo last weekend put me in mind of his famous all-action display against Greece for England in 2001 - do you think he's starting to regret his decision to leave Real Madrid for the States? Pies reckons he must surely regret how quickly he made the decision to sign for LA Galaxy.