Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2007

Kieran Richardson's cousin tipped to appear on Big Brother

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The tabloids are in frenzy at the pretty concrete sounding tip-off that Kieran Richardson's cousin, Charlie, is to be a housemate in the new series of Big Brother, which starts tonight. Well, all the tabloids except the Daily Star who seem to have been led on a bit of a wild goose chase. Charlie, aged 20, is apparently well known in footy circles.

Transfer flops of the season XI

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Welcome to the Pies Transfer flops of the season XI sponsored by Freddy Shepherd. In fairness to Freddy he does not have any representatives in the side. Chelsea and West Ham fans, avert your eyes now! Everyone else, click below. GK: Magnus Hedman A bit harsh on Magnus that he has made the team as he was probably expecting to join Chelsea to be a benchwarmer, but having been hurriedly signed amid injuries to Petr Cech and Carlo Cudicini the Swede didn't make a single appearance.

3 for 2 retro football shirts!

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Subside Sports is doing a tempting 3-for-2 offer on all Retake retro football shirts and t-shirts, like this lovely green Brazil top and this Taxi for McLaren tee, for example. Thanks to regular Pies contributor Cole for spotting this tasty deal.

The Daily Snapshot: Duisberg vs Frankfurt, Women's DFB Cup final, Germany

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Duisburg players look dejected after losing the penalty shootout against Frankfurt during the Women's DFB German Cup final at the Olympic Stadium on May 26, 2007 in Berlin, Germany. [Photo: Stuart Franklin/Bongarts/Getty Images]

Terraces to return?

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A new report has been released calling for safe standing areas at football grounds in England and Wales by the Football Supporters' Federation. Since the terrible scenes at the Hillsborough disaster in 1989 when 96 fans died in a crush, terracing has been outlawed. FSF head of development Steven Powell said: "I think it's a very well-argued case for safe standing.

Big Sam to swoop for Barton?

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Sam Allardyce is looking to reshuffle his Newcastle's midfield... and guess what? He must have been reading Pies because he's set his sights on Joey Barton. So what does this mean for the likes of Scott Parker, currently the captain of the Magpies? Well, Parker has been a target for Alan Curbishley and West Ham since January and a reunion with Parker's former Charlton gaffer could be well on the cards.

Shit lookalikes: Gareth Bale and a baby chimp

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What a pair of cheeky monkeys they make.

Top ten quotes of the season

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1 'Everyone's very comfortable on the ball and almost all of them are athletic. We play what I call "orgy football": the other team know they're going to get it, but they don't know from whom or where from.' Cardiff's ex-chairman Sam Hammam takes a wrong turn at metaphor junction. 2 'She shouldn't be here. I know that sounds sexist but I am sexist.

Ryan Giggs retires from international football

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Wales captain Ryan Giggs will announce his retirement from international football this lunchtime, according to the BBC. Giggs's decision to quite Wales means he will never play at a major international tournament, which undoubtedly makes him one of the greatest players never to do so. Here's a brilliant video tribute to his immense talent. Really worth watching:

Sexy Brazilian football babes dancing on TV

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It's like someone made a TV show of a dream I once had. Thank you Brazil.

Cheeky Roberto Carlos scores a free-kick against the Japanese

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This Pepsi commercial from around the time of the 2002 World Cup might get a cheap laugh, but remember it is someone else's culture being misrepresented that you are laughing at. For instance, we all know it has been against Roberto Carlos's culture to get a free kick on target since about 1997!

Referee Graham Poll announces he will quit next week

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The world's best referee (© Graham Poll) Graham Poll is retiring from / has been hounded out of football. The official has had his resignation accepted by the Professional Game Match Officials. His last game will be the auspicious Euro 2008 qualifier between Finland and Belgium next week. Following his glorious World Cup, Poll's final season in refereeing will be remembered for his various run-ins with Jose Mourinho.

Oldham to sign Lee Hughes from his prison cell

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Former West Brom striker Lee Hughes is close to completing a deal with Oldham Athletic from his prison cell. The 31-year-old has been in jail since 2004 when he was convicted of causing death by dangerous driving. The £5 million striker fled the scene after crashing his £100,000 Mercedes into another car while driving on the wrong side of the road.

Beckham, Gerrard, Lampard, Cole - long live the McClaren revolution

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Nine games in charge of England is how long it has taken Steve McClaren to re-unite England's oh-so-blatantly-slap-you-in-the-face-it's-so-obvious-can't-play-together World Cup midfield. Having welcomed David Beckham back into fold, Big Mac will reportedly pair Gerrard and Lampard in the middle of the park and play Joe Cole (one of England's better World Cup performers) on the left.

FIFA to ban 'high altitude' matches

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"If God wanted football to be played in the clouds he would have put bloody grass there..." so spake Brian Clough... and it would seem that FIFA agree with ol' Big 'Ead now that they've announced that they are to ban international matches from being played at more than 2,500 metres (8,200ft) above sea level. This has drawn angry protests from Andean nations who can't really help the fact that they're well high up in the world.

Footballers' balls and bloopers video

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Ouch, ouch and ouch again. Keep your eye on the ball(s)… [Via With Leather]

Ouch! The best deterrent to pitch invaders ever

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Maccabi Tel Aviv player Kobi Mossa, graduate of the Eric Cantona School of Crowd Control, decides this Hapoel Tel Aviv fan has done quite enough derby day goading and brings him to a very abrupt halt.

A Day in the Life of Alecko Eskandarian

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Who the hell is Alecko Eskandarian? you may ask. Good question. He's a striker currently playing for struggling Real Salt Lake in the MLS. Alecko is the son of Iranian national player Andranik Eskandarian, an Iranian-Armenian who played for the New York Cosmos in the early Eighties. Alecko's a bit of a character too - he was once fined $250 for a goal celebration which consisted of him opening a can of Red Bull and spitting the contents onto the pitch (he had just scored for DC United against Red Bull NY, if that helps explain it).

THE VOTE Will Derby County be relegated next season?

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I think West Brom would have stood a better chance than Derby County of surviving what looks like being the most competitive Premiership ever next season - with players of the quality and experience of Jason Koumas and Kevin Phillips, they could have prospered. But Derby, West Brom's conquerors in yesterday's £60m playoff final (watch the winning goal here), will surely struggle to survive unless they improve their team in the summer.

Danielle Lloyd: 'I might have to become a lesbian'

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Lloyd, one of England's Premier League WAGs, is now so pissed off with the cheating ways of footballers that she may turn to the Sapphic side. Poor Danielle dumped Charlton 'ace' (sic) Marcus Bent after discovering he had an affair with an air hostess. She was also plagued by rumours that Teddy Sheringham had also cheated on her. She told the Daily Star: 'I might have to become a lesbian!

Horror Hair - Gazza

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It would be nice to think of Gazza and stick solely to football. Without doubt, Paul Gascoigne was one of the most talented players to ever grace a football pitch. However, we all remember him for being an awful drunk, losing his marbles and some stinker hair-do's. During his time at Lazio, he sported terrible Mick Hucknall locks, but even that couldn't surpass a barnet seen when he first started off at Newcastle.

Gazza has emergency surgery for stomach ulcer

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And so we read yet another chapter in the increasingly tragic Gazza story. Gascoigne has undergone emergency surgery for a perforated stomach ulcer. He is understood to have been taken ill while celebrating his 40th birthday in Gateshead. His agent Jane Morgan said: 'Paul Gascoigne was admitted to hospital last evening with severe stomach pains… He underwent emergency surgery for a perforated stomach ulcer and will remain in hospital for a few days.

Healy to Fulham?

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It's hardly surprising that Leeds striker David Healy may be on his was to Craven Cottage to link up his old Norn Iron gaffer Lawrie Sanchez at Fulham. Sanchez was a big admirer of the 27-year-old during his time as Northern Ireland manager and said in January that he was stunned a Premiership club had not come in for the former Preston forward.

Bicycle soccer is gay

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Oh for God's sake not another crazy cross-bred 'extreme sport'. How incredibly tedious. More footage of this silly new sport below…

Shit lookalikes: David Beckham and Eminem

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Guess who's back, back again. Beckham's back, tell a friend. Would the real Steve McClaren please stand up? Real Madrid's favourite whipping boy-turned-hero David Beckham is back in the England fold and looking a little bit like Eminem.

Comedian Tom Green plays 'soccer'

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For some reason best known to himself, here is crazy Canadian-born / US-based comedian Tom Green interrupting a game of football while carrying a round a CD player blasting out the West Side Story soundtrack!

Real Zaragoza's Andres D'Alessandro scores direct from a corner

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Real Zaragoza's Argentine midfielder Andres D'Alessandro scored directly from a corner at the weekend, just like he used to score directly from corners for Portsmouth last season... hmm maybe not. Pompey fans can rest assured that his new found skills were in vain as his side lost 3-1 to Sevilla.
D'Alessandro [1-1]

The Daily Snapshot: Derby win promotion to the Premiership

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Stephen Pearson of Derby County celebrates scoring with team mate Steve Howard during the Championship Playoff Final match between Derby and West Bromwich Albion at Wembley. The goal was enough to secure a 1-0 victory and promotion to the Premiership. [Photo: Phil Cole/Getty Images]

Horror Hair: Boris Becker, Germany U16

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Yes, this shiny faced youth shares a name with Germany's most famous ginger racketeer. Becker junior (he's not related to Boris snr, as far as we know) is a defender, and currently on the books of FC Kaiserslautern. He was born on 2 Sept 1991, which makes us all feel very old indeed. This is all very interesting, but not as interesting as master Becker's lovely haircut, which I would describe as looking remarkably like a 'blonde lampshade'.

Khano Smith's horrible free kick, New England Revolution vs Kansas City Wizards

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This is arguably the worst free kick I've ever seen taken by a footballer who is paid real money to play the game - Revs coach Steve Nicol is clearly not impressed either. If this is the standard of set pieces in the MLS, then David Beckham is going to come over like a cross between Pele, Superman and God. Oh, and on the subject of MLS, click below to see all the goals from week eight… [Via Climbing the Ladder]

Oh by the way, England B are playing tonight

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The England B team taking on Albania tonight in the picturesque surroundings of Turf Moor, Burnley, are arguably the least talked about England side to take to the pitch for the last decade. The chosen few are: Scott Carson, Phil Neville, Ledley King, Michael Dawson, Nicky Shorey, Aaron Lennon, Gareth Barry, Jermaine Jenas, David Bentley, Michael Owen (c), Alan Smith.

HolloWatch: Where's Ollie?

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The season is barely over and we are already missing the witty repartee of Ian Holloway. The question is: what does Ollie get up to in the close season? We have now idea, so we are relying on you, our Pies field operatives, to keep us informed. So if you're lying on a beach in Barbados with Mr Holloway for company or even have the pleasure of Ollie being your air hostess, keep us posted.

Behind the scenes footage of the new Nike ad

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Earlier in the week, we showed you the new Nike advert which sees Ronaldinho shooting hoops. Well, here's a look behind the scenes of the commercial... with an awful lot of clapping.

Glazer going nowhere

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Apparently Malcolm Glazer has no intention of selling Manchester United despite the fact that everyone thinks that the American billionaire is ready to offload the Red Devils after realising the profits to be made from Premiership football fall short of his incredibly high expectations. After completing the controversial £800million buy-out two years ago, Glazer has already re-financed United's massive debts once and chief of staff Ed Woodward is believed to be working on another re-structuring, which would reduce annual interest payments from a startling £65million a year.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Newcastle, Bolton, Aston Villa, Celtic, Leeds. Whose career path? 2 Fill in the gap: Teddy Sheringham, _________, Michael Owen, Ray Parlour, Robert Pires, Cristiano Ronaldo. 3 Which side plays their home games at Huish Park? 4 Who is this stern looking chap? 5 Where will next season's Champions League final take place? 6 The club crest challenge: Answers after the jump.

Blog of the week: Football Phone ins

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There are blogs aplenty waiting to fill the void for football videos if Premier League lawyers successfully take all the fun out of YouTube, but not many have given thought to bringing the good old fashioned wireless to the blogosphere. The gang at Football Phone ins are changing that, until they get busted by the Five-O themselves that is! They have begun the process of compiling football-related radio talk shows for you to download and listen to at your leisure.

Kit Parade: Kaka' style 'I belong to Jesus' t-shirt

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One of the enduring images of last night's Champions League finals will be an ecstatic Kaka dropping to his knees and praying in his 'I Belong To Jesus' t-shirt. While the devout Christian is probably hoping to convert a few non-believers, I suspect the most likely outcome is that a few Sunday League footballers who wouldn't know the Bible from the byline will incorporate it into their next goal celebration.

Five moans for bitter Liverpool fans with sour grapes

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1 AC Milan shouldn't have been in the competition to begin with - they were initially kicked out for their part in the Italian match-fixing scandal. 2 The referee promised a minimum of three minutes injury time. He played 2mins 40secs, including a lengthy Milan substitution. 3 Inzaghi's first goal was clearly handball.

Shepherd shocked by Newcastle bid

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Mike Ashley, virtually unknown to the entire world has shocked everyone by trying to takeover Newcastle... and The Magpies current chairman Freddy Shepherd is more shocked than anyone else! Shepherd was in hospital with suspected pneumonia when he was told that Ashley had bought Sir John Hall's 41.6% stake for £55m. Hello Freddie... here's your grapes.

Tottenham close to signing Gareth Bale

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Spurs are on the verge of pulling off a bit of a transfer coup with Southampton youngster Gareth Bale reportedly undergoing a medical at White Hart Lane. The Welsh wonderkid had also been linked with a move to both Manchester United and Arsenal, but Spurs seem to have beaten them to it. The 17-year-old left-back turned down a £10 million move to White Hart Lane in the January transfer window, but was widely tipped to move on in the summer.

Champions League Final Review: AC Milan 2-1 Liverpool

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Lightning wasn't destined to strike twice despite Liverpool's best efforts as they left their Champions League final comeback too late this time around. Pippo Inzaghi's fluke on the stroke of half-time left the Reds unfortunate to be trailing. When Inzaghi doubled his tally on 82 minutes it looked like game over. Dirk Kuyt's header late on pulled one back for Liverpool but it was too little, too late.

Daily Snapshot: Champions League Final Special

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(Summary is not available.)

Leroy Rosenior appointed Sierra Leone boss

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It's been a busy week for Leroy Rosenior. The former Fulham and West Ham player has found employment with the Sierra Leone just days after breaking the record for the fastest ever managerial sacking. Rosenior was sacked just 10 minutes into his reign at Torquay United after an unexpected takeover at the club. But the 43-year-old has bounced back and will take charge of Sierra Leone's next two matches.

Rafa to have clear out at Liverpool

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Not even 24 hours have passed and Rafa Benitez is already looking to clear out the dead-wood at Anfield. The Liverpool boss has told midfielder Bolo Zenden he is free to talk to other clubs with his contract due to expire, while Chile winger Mark Gonzalez is on the brink of a £5m move to Real Betis. It would seem that Craig 'Karaoke' Bellamy has played his last game for the club as he was unable to even get off the bench in last nights Champions League Final defeat to AC Milan.

Blackpool in the play-offs and the story of a tangerine suit

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Valeri Belokon, owner of Blackpool FC has had a dream that Blackpool will be in the Premiership in the next four years, but first, they have to beat Yeovil in Sunday's play-off final. It'll be a massive day for the fans, and Belokon will be most noticeable in crowd... why? Well, he's revealed that he has a special suit which he hopes to wear at Wembley.

WIN! An all-expenses trip to LA to watch David Beckham's first game for LA Galaxy!

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To celebrate the launch of brilliant new travel blog Lost Weekend (brought to you by the creators of most-excellent footy blog Who Ate All the Pies), we have rustled up a competition so tasty that your head may explode just reading about it. We're offering you the chance to win two match tickets to watch football megastar David Beckham play his first game for new club LA Galaxy, scheduled to be against Chivas on 23 August.

Champions League special: Top ten CL goals of all time

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Again, this isn't our selection, but there are still some beauties to enjoy, especially Almeida's strike against Inter and Bressan's amazing bicycle kick against Barca: Not sure what Frank Lampard's fluke is doing in there?

Eto'o doesn't fancy the Premiership... yet.

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Barca hitman Samuel Eto'o has dismissed speculation linking him with a big money move to the Premiership this summer. The Cameroon striker has insisted that he's heard nothing of a possible transfer to the Premiership, despite a lot of speculation implying a move to Liverpool and Arsenal. However, Eto'o did not rule out a move to the Premiership in future.

Ronaldinho shoots hoops for Nike

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Ronaldinho and Nadal (Rafael the tennis player, not the Butcher of Bilbao) have made a new ad for Nike which sees the tin opener toothed Brazilian doing a stupendous trick at the close of the commercial. How many takes to do that do you reckon readers?

Preview of Champions League Final

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Are you ready for the climax to the football season? The cream of Europe have it out with each other with one emerging victorious and the other slumped in tears. I CAN'T WAIT!
AC Milan vs Liverpool - Match Trailer
Uploaded by redhalfofmerseyside

Shit lookalikes: Clark Kent and Kaka

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Tonight's Champions League final between AC Milan and Liverpool is being billed as a battle between the Supermen of either side - Kaka and Steven Gerrard. But when the Brazilian turned up to his side's hotel in Athens he was looking more Clark Kent than Superman.

The Daily Snapshot: Gennaro Gattuso prepares for the Champions League final

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Pies' favourite all-action midfielder gets the ball under control as AC Milan prepare to take on Liverpool in the Champions League final in Athens tonight. (Photo: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images)

Steve Sidwell confirms Chelsea move

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The worst kept secret in football since Jose Mourinho and Ashley Cole thought they would get a quiet cuppa together has at last being confirmed. Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell will be sidling his way to Stamford Bridge quicker than you can say Jean-Marc Bosman. The 24-year-old former Arsenal trainee has had his big move rubberstamped after passing a medical.

Bob Paisley t-shirt from RetroFootballTshirts

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The gang at RetroFootballTshirts have a fine array of Liverpool-related retro t-shirts while we are in full Scouse swing ahead of the Champions League final. They include a series of quote t-shirts from the oh-so-quoteable Anfield bosses of yesteryear. This one from Bob Paisley proclaims: "If you don't know what to do with the ball, put it in the net and we'll discuss the options later.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty snorts the touchline at the Soccer Six tournament

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Part-time musician and full-time waster Pete Doherty was courting controversy as ever at the celebrity Soccer Six tournament by snorting the touchlines. On a rare break from his busy schedule of magistrates' court appearances, the Babyshambles frontman adapted the Robbie Fowler celebration for his erm... personal use. [Via FourFourTwo]

Champions League special: Top ten goals in 2006/07

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Not our selection (we would have added Nelson's thunderous effort against Man Utd) but still some fine goals in there.

Classic Champions League Final Moment: Jerzy Dudek's performance in AC Milan v Liverpool Part One, 2005

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It started with an excellent performance and that double-save and with shades of Grobbelaar's spaghetti legs. Shake it up, baby!

Carlo Ancelotti: Steven Gerrard is talking 'bollocks'

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AC Milan boss Carlo Ancelotti has accused Steven Gerrard of talking 'bollocks' ahead of tomorrow's Champions League final in Athens. Gerrard famously claimed Milan prematurely celebrated victory at half-time in the 2005 final when they led Liverpool 3-0. But Ancelotti hit back, telling The Current Bun: 'There's only one word to describe what Gerrard says about our so-called celebrations - bollocks!

Thierry Henry - Please come back

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Never mind all the imminent transfer tittle tattle that's about to hit us. One face that has been missing from our footballing season for too long is the masterful Thierry Henry. After having a season off, Henry will be like a new signing for Arsenal next season and I'm sure that everyone will be hoping for more of Henry's magic on the pitch.

THE VOTE Who should be Man Utd's first-choice goalkeeper next season?

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Edwin van der Sar had a poor FA Cup final and generally looked shaky in the second half of the season. The lanky Dutchman is 36 now and probably has one more season left in him at Old Trafford. But will Alex Ferguson trust him to be his No.1 keeper next season, or will he turn to Ben Foster, back from a loan spell at Watford? A third option is Tomasz Kuszczak, or Ferguson could even buy another stopper, perhaps Craig Gordon from Hearts.

Classic Moment: Fernando Redondo's backheel nutmeg, Man Utd v Real Madrid

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This remains the absolute highlight of the pulsating Champions League tie from the 1999/00 season. Henning Berg, you got merk'd:

Sylvain Distin cuts ties with Man City

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Rather predictably, Sylvain Distin has left Manchester City in order to seek "a fresh challenge". My arse. The 29-year-old Frenchman was offered a new contract at the City of Manchester Stadium but has opted to end his five-year spell with the club. "It has been an incredibly tough decision but I just feel I want a fresh challenge," said the defender, who is now expected to sign for Portsmouth.

Ortega handball allowed to stand

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When Quilmes took on River Plate in the Argentinian league in March, the game panned out as a closely-fought battle and approaching full-time the match seemed to be heading for a draw. Then, after a couple of months weening off the booze, Ariel Ortega was thrown onto the pitch with 20 minutes to go, to try and get River a win. With the clock hitting the 92nd minute, this happened.

Classic Champions League Final Moment: Manchester United's comeback against Bayern Munich, 1999

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There are so many things you could say about this incredible stoppage time comeback but I am fairly certain Clive Tyldesley owns the copyright for most of them, which is hardly surprising given that he makes a living out of talking about this match over the top of television pictures of other matches. Teddy Sheringham and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer will always have a special place in the hearts of Man Yoo fans.

THE VOTE Should David Beckham be named in the England squad to face Brazil and Estonia?

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Official FA spokesman erm... Thierry Henry has said that David Beckham's Real Madrid form is worthy of an England recall. The Arsenal striker said: "I don't want to say anything controversial, because to be the England manager is probably the hardest job in the country and you have to respect Steve McClaren's choice. But maybe when David was playing for England, people took him for granted.

Footballs behaving badly

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(Summary is not available.)

Horror Hair: Chris Blackburn, Morecambe

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Gracing the Football League next year following Morecambe's promotion is the greasy Horror Hair of defender Chris Blackburn. The Shrimps are in the League for the first time after beating Exeter in the Conference play-off at the weekend. And joining them in League Two next season will be Blackburn's grunge-tastic locks.

SW6 2CUPS Chelsea double-winning t-shirt

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The latest top off the TShirts365 production line is perfect for Chelsea fans and postcode enthusiasts everywhere. The SW6 2CUPS t-shirt works on many levels, well two levels to be precise. Anyway, celebrate the double-winning triumph (ie winning the two trophies Jose Mourinho least wanted at the start of the season!) for just £14.99. Click here to buy it.

The Daily Snapshot: FA Cup final special

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(Summary is not available.)

The Tuesday 10: FA Cup goals in 2006/07

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Despite serving up the dreariest final in the history of the competition, there were some cracking goals scored in the FA Cup this season…

WAG of the week: Gemma Atkinson

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Name Gemma Atkinson Nationality British WAG of… Gemma is the lucky lucky girl who competes with a mirror for the affection of Cristiano Ronaldo. Several sources have claimed the pair are an item, although Ronaldo's sister recently said he has no girlfriend, so who knows? She also used to date Marcus Bent; the Charlton striker has also been linked with fellow WAG Danielle Lloyd.

Shit lookalikes: Gennaro Gatusso and Musafar the dancing midget

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The photo of Musafar, the singing and dancing midget from Iran, doesn't do justice to him, so watch this video for the full lookalike magic…

Man United legends to take over at Sheff Utd?

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Sheffield United have called a press conference for Tuesday where they are expected to name Bryan Robson and Brian Kidd as their new management team. Five Live reports that the former West Brom boss and Captain Marvel Robson will take charge, with Kidd moving up from a coaching role to become assistant boss at Bramall Lane. Chairman Terry Robinson said the club had drawn up three shortlists to fill the vacancy left by Neil Warnock after he resigned following the Blades' relegation from the Premiership.

Hargreaves to join Manchester United (finally)

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Fergie may well have been denied the Double this weekend but he's got some news to give him cheer when Bayern Munich announced that a deal had finally been done to take Owen Hargreaves to Old Trafford. Hargreaves will sign a four-year contract after the two clubs brought an end to 12 months of negotiations and a stupid amount of speculation by agreeing a fee the Bayern president Franz Beckenbauer described as "a little bit over" €25m.

Romario scores his 1,000th goal (well he thinks so)

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Brazilian legend (in the world of partying if not football) Romario has bagged his 1,000th goal, or so he claims. While he had a jubilant 15-minute celebration to mark the occasion, the feat was a little tainted by the fact that the veteran striker use the Pele method of goal-tallying. Under this technique, pre-season goals, youth team goals and thunderous strikes against a hapless nephew in the back garden all count towards your total.

Morecambe promoted to the league for the first time ever!

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Pies would like to congratulate Morecambe on their historic rise to the football league! A 2-1 win over Exeter sees Morecambe in the league proper for the first time in their history... and wait 'til you see the winning goal... an absolute screamer! Oh, and Sammy MacIlroy's tumbling celebration is a joy too.

Chelsea fans launch appeal for Jose Mourinho's dog

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Chelsea fans unveiled a banner at the FA Cup final in support of Jose Mourinho's pet dog Gullit. Pies brought you news of the Special One's arrest and caution last week. The Blues boss was nicked for releasing his dog onto the street to stop it being taken away by police officers who suspected it had been taken out of the country without the necessary jabs.

Craig Gordon linked with Manchester United. How many goalkeepers do they need at Old Trafford?

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The weekend papers linked Heart goalkeeper Craig Gordon with a move to Manchester United. If there is any truth in the rumours, the likes of Thomas Kuszczak and Ben Foster must be scratching their heads. Edwin van der Sar remains one of the best keepers in the Premiership; Kuszczak has never really let them down when he has stepped in and Ben Foster is pushing to be England's number one.

Classic Champions League Final Moment: Barcelona beat Arsenal, 2006

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Junior Belletti's winner secured last season's Champions League for Barcelona as they saw off Arsenal. After Sol Campbell's goal put the Gunners in front, Samuel Eto'o pulled one back and Belletti did the rest.

The worst FA Cup final ever?

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The FA Cup final sponsored by Nytol was certainly the worst I can remember. At least the 0-0 between Manchester United and Arsenal in 2005 had some incident and intensity. This snoozefest was like a testimonial but without the fun and without the goals! It was played mostly at walking pace with no enthusiasm and no desire to create chances. Never mind an English FA Cup final, it looked like two Italian sides who both thought they had got a 1-0 lead!

Who ate all the pies? FA Cup final fans apparently

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Science boffins have found that each fan at tomorrow's FA Cup final will leave an eco-footprint 10 times the size of that of a fan watching the game at home. And the main reason for this? The humble half-time pie and beer apparently. Andrea Collins of Cardiff University said: "They are highly processed food and drink products which require a lot of energy to produce.

Fantasy Friday: week 37 and season review

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They think it's all over... it is now! The winner of the inaugural Pies Fantasy League is Tommy. He has been our champion elect for a while now, so no great surprises there. Congratulations to Tommy and comiserations to the unsuccessful managers who didn't quite make the grade (or McClarens as I like to call them). Click below for the final league table of the season.

THE VOTE Who is going to lift the FA Cup?

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Who is to be, Pies fans? A Manchester United double and sweet FA for Chelsea, or sweet revenge for the Blues after the disappointment of losing their Premiership title. Have your say below. Polls - Take Our Poll

Swamp Soccer hits Scotland

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It's all very well showing the world your skills on a spirit level pitch... but surely Ronnie Radford's wonder goal against Newcastle in the seventies was all the more special for being in a mud bath? This is why people from Scotland to Sweden are joining up to play at Swamp Soccer 2007. Whether you are looking to test your prowess on the pitch, soak up some Scottish sunshine or set your dry cleaner their greatest challenge to date, look no further than Swamp Soccer UK 2007.

Highlights from Coppa Italia Final

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You've read about the Coppa Italia final (which saw Roma defeated 2-1 on the night, but winning 7-4 on aggregate); now, watch the highlights. Some sublime football was on display, and thankfully, no incidents in the stands. As an aside, anyone know who the ridiculously giddy Geordie pundit is?


All Goals - Inter Milano vs. AS Roma
Uploaded by 90tsunni

FA Cup final referee wary of diving

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Referee Steve Bennett admits that he will find it difficult to spot incidents of diving in the FA Cup final, echoing Jose Mourinho's concerns that diving could spoil the match. Bennett said: "There are some very clever players who instigate contact and make it difficult for the referee. Sometimes there's contact but an exaggerated reaction to try to deceive the referee.

Cornell vs Lisa Marie music video: The sexiest football match ever?

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Hot babes wearing underwear playing football in the mud? Makes the FA Cup final seem redundant somehow… [Spotted on The Offside]

Claus Jensen leaves Fulham because Lawrie Sanchez plays the long-ball game

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If only all footballers were as principled as Claus Jensen, who refused a one-year contract extension at Fulham because he didn't like the long-ball philosophy of new boss Lawrie Sanchez. Jensen said: 'I didn't see a future for me at the club, the way Lawrie Sanchez wants to play doesn't appeal… The long-ball game has been pretty much what we've been doing and that isn't my kind of football.

Graham Taylor: 'An Impossible Job' documentary. Do we not like that?

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It may take a while to load because it's almost 50 minutes in length, but it's well worth a watch if you haven't seen it before.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Grêmio, Bayer Leverkusen, Roma, Juventus, Real Madrid (current). Whose career path? 2 Which side have appeared in four FA Cup finals without ever lifting the trophy? 3 Picture round. Who's the juggler? 4 Which team plays its home games at Dick's Sporting Goods Park? 5 I was born in Birmingham, Michigan in 1970. My given first name is Panayotis.

Mark Schwarzer is a children's author

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Coaching, bland punditry, alcoholism. The list of possibilities for footballers once they hang up their boots is seemingly endless, but forays into the world of children's literature are not too common. Trailblazing the career move from the territory of Harry Redknapp to the world of Harry Potter is Middlesbrough keeper Mark Schwarzer. The Aussie international has set himself for a creative retirement having co-authored Megs and the Vootball Kids.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: Michael Owen breaks Arsenal's hearts, 2001

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Michael Owen secures a stunning 2-1 victory for Liverpool against an Arsenal side which had dominated the 2001 FA Cup final.

The Daily Snapshot: Roma wins Coppa Italia

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Roma's squad and coaching staff celebrate winning the Coppa Italia after the second-leg match between Internazionale and Roma at the Stadio Giuseppe Meazza in Milan. Roma lost the second leg 2-1, but won the tie 7-4 on aggregate, having won the first leg 6-2. Both teams finished the game with 10 men, with Inter's Ivan Cordoba and Roma's Christian Panucci dismissed during a fiery match.

Blog of the week: More Credible

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We have to respect a sports blog that claims to have 'no shame (or standards)'. More Credible is a very entertaining all-sports blog written by a sports fan (or could be fans, we're not sure) in the US of A and as such it covers crappy American sports like baseball (yawn) and gridiron (time out) - American sports may be dull but at least they have ultra-hot cheerleaders to look at.

Top five bets for the FA Cup final and Champions League final

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FA Cup final, Sat 19 May, Wembley Stadium MAN UNITED TO BEAT CHELSEA IN 90 MINS (9-5) The bookies are struggling to split the juggernauts but despite United's poor record against Chelsea (just one win in 10) they are taken to triumph in normal time. Neither side is in great form (Man United just one goal in last four, Chelsea no wins in five) but the Red Devils can take advantage of an exhausted-looking Blues side with injury problems.

Shit lookalikes: Kaka and Alastair Cook

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The clean-living Cliff Richard of Brazilian football vs the clean-living pin-up boy of English cricket. I can hardly tell them apart.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: Manchester United - Move, Move, Move

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Sadly the days of the FA Cup final single seem to be behind us, but here is a classic one from 1996. It is, of course, Manchester United's happy hardcore FA Cup anthem Move, Move, Move. Check out a young David Beckham grinning his way through his lines. Player most likely to have missed their calling in life: Paul Parker Player least likely to have missed their calling in life: Phil Neville

William 'Fatty' Foulke t-shirt from RetroFootballShirts

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This t-shirt celebrates legendary Chelsea keeper 'Fatty' Foulke, not to be confused with midfielder Fatty Frank. The 6ft 7in and 24 stone beast was Chelsea captain for a while following a £50 transfer from Sheffield United. Click here to buy the t-shirt from RetroFootballShirts for £19.99.

David Unsworth gets his reward for keeping Wigan up... his P45

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Big-boned Wigan defender David Unsworth has been released from his contract. The 33-year-old's penalty against Sheffield United last weekend kept Wigan in the Premiership, but he has been deemed surplus to requirements by new boss Chris Hutchings. He said: "Unsy's goal against Sheffield United will live long in the memory and its significance can never be underestimated.

Goalkeeper answers a call of nature before taking goal kick

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An Argentinian second division match between Defensores de Belgrano and Sarmiento de Junin was held up for several minutes when Defensores keeper Maximiliano Kadijevic decided to introduce toilet breaks to football matches. In most lines of work skiving in the toilet is effective for allowing your work-mates to busy themselves doing your work for you.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: Liverpool get battered by Palace in the '90 semi

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Surely the FA Cup Semi Final between Liverpool and Crystal Palace in 1990 is one of the finest football matches ever played? Liverpool back then were all conquering and Palace were just a little team punching above their weight in the latter stages of the best cup competition in the world. Despite losing 9-0 to The Reds earlier that season, The Eagles fought and fought to fend of Liverpool to win a memorable 4-3 victory.

Tinkerman Ranieri set for Man City?

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Claudio Ranieri insists he has not been contacted by Manchester City, despite a major bookmaker closing betting on him getting the vacant manager's job there. Same thing happened with Sammy Allardyce and Newcastle of late, so we can safely assume that Tinkerman will be at Eastlands next season (probably) William Hill made the decision on Wednesday following "a flurry of support" for the Italian, but Ranieri told BBC Sport: "Nobody has contacted me from Manchester City - I don't know anything at the moment.

One in eight season ticket holders won't renew due to cost

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The latest figures from Virgin Money reveal that around one in eight season ticket holders will not renew their season ticket because they have been priced out of the game - up five per cent on last year. Around 16 per cent of Premiership fans say they can't afford to go to every home match, with West Ham feeling the backlash most keenly. Almost three quarters of those not renewing at Upton Park claim following the Hammers is just too expensive!

Sofia Loren pledges a striptease if Napoli are promoted to Serie A

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Napoli fans can 'look forward' (or politely avert their gaze) to a striptease by 72-year-old Hollywood icon Sofia Loren if the team are promoted to Serie A this season. As you may have guessed, Loren is a big fan of Napoli. She's also 72, for God's sake - admittedly she doesn't look like any 72-year-old women I know, but still, it's not an appealing prospect.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: West Ham win their first FA Cup, vs Preston North End in 1964

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West Ham, captained by Bobby Moore, won a storming match 3-2 to lift the Cup for the first time in the club's history. Their goals were scored by John Sissons, Geoff Hurst and Ron Boyce. At the time Preston's Howard Kendall (yep, the one who went on to manage Everton) was the youngest player ever to play at an FA Cup Final, aged 17 years 345 days.

New Wembley, new rip-off. Would you pay £10 for an FA Cup Final programme?

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Football365 has alerted us to some of the outrageous prices for this weekend's FA Cup final. They write: 'A supporters-led campaign to boycott the "overpriced" food and merchandise available at Saturday's FA Cup final has intensified after the FA sought to justify the £10 cost of a match-day programme.' A tenner for a programme! I remember not so long ago you could buy a match ticket for less than that.

Shit lookalikes: Peter Crouch and Crazylegs Crane

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(Summary is not available.)

Monster parody of fake Ronaldinho Nike commercial

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Damn, this monster has some crazy ball control: [Spotted on More Credible] Watch the original after the jump…

The Daily Snapshot

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Marc Torrejon of Espanyol has his team's fourth penalty in a penalty shootout saved by Andres Palop to secure victory for Sevilla during last night's UEFA Cup Final at Hampden Park in Glasgow, Scotland. [Photo: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images]

UEFA Cup Final review: Espanyol 2-2 Sevilla (Sevilla win 3-1 on penalties)

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English football fans who decided to watch the all-Spanish UEFA Cup final last night were rewarded with a dramatic, engaging contest; let's hope the Champions League final is half this much fun. Adriano opened the scoring for Sevilla, but Riera equalised 10 minutes later and that's how the game stayed until extra time, despite Espanyol having Moises Hurtado sent off for a second booking on 68 minutes.

Championship play-off review: West Brom 1-0 Wolves (West Brom win 4-2 on aggregate)

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West Bromwich Albion are just one game away from the Premiership after a relatively comfortable win in the second leg of their semi-final play-off against bitter rivals Wolves at the Hawthorns. West Brom did all the hard work in the first leg, winning 3-2 at Molineux, and they never really looked like letting Wolves back in the tie. Kevin Phillips scored the only goal of a lively game, with a header from close range in the 64th minute.

Championship play-off review: Derby County 2-3 Southampton (Derby win 4-3 on penalties)

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This tie was always too close to call and so it proved. I'm glad Derby won through in the end though - they did finish the regular season nine points above Southampton and that should count for something. This was a thrilling match, unpredictable until the final kick. Grzegorz Rasiak's late goal gave Saints a 3-2 lead and took the game into extra time with the aggregate score tied at 4-4.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: Steven Gerrard's last minute equaliser against West Ham

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Pies begins the countdown to the 2007 FA Cup final with a look at Classic FA Cup Final Moments of yesteryear. We kick off with Steven Gerrard's cramp-riddled scorcher from last year's final.

Classic FA Cup Final Moment: Lawrie Sanchez wins it for Wimbledon

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The next installment of our mini-series of Classic FA Cup Final Moments. Brand spanking new Fulham boss Lawrie Sanchez pulls of one of the great Cup Final shocks as his flicked header defeats Liverpool.

Special Manchester United FA Cup final sandwich

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A sandwich shop has launched a special stilton sandwich to celebrate Manchester United's Premiership title win and FA Cup final appearance. Merv's Sandwich Sandwich in Manchester has created the Stilton United Premiership Sandwich. Sandwich creator Nigel said: "It took a bit of persuading to get Stilton to turn 'red' for the week but we all feel it's a fitting tribute for Manchester United to have their very own commemorative sandwich created for them to mark being crowned Premiership champions plus finalists in the FA Cup against Chelsea, all during British Sandwich Week.

Sevilla v Espanyol Uefa Cup final taster

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It's an all Spanish affair at Hampden Park tonight as Sevilla take on Espanyol in the Uefa Cup final. Here are the highlights of their encounter a few weeks back.

Chris 'Magic' Waddle, Marseilles icon

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You have to hand it to Waddle. He played the game the way fans love to see it played.

Pies' Premiership Team of the Season, part 2

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Part 2 of our team of the season below. Check out part 1 here. MF: MICHAEL ESSIEN (Chelsea) A rock wherever he plays, Essien is the embodiment of the perfect modern midfielder - in the eyes of managers, if not fans. I'm pretty sure all Premiership bosses would choose to poach Essien above any other player in Chelsea's rich squad, even Drogba - Essien is strong, can run and tackle all day, knows when to play it simple, is good going forward and chips in with crucial goals.

Jose Mourinho arrested by police over dog quarantine row

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Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has been arrested and cautioned for obstructing police officers who tried to quarantine his pet Yorkshire terrier. The Special One dashed away from Chelsea's end of season awards ceremony after receiving a phone call from his wife saying police had arrived to take the dog away. Officials feared the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without jabs.

Cristiano Ronaldo voted Player of the Year by his Man Utd team-mates

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Ronaldo's tux must be worn out by now. And how much of a suck-ass is Jim 'face of a Medieval gargoyle' Rosenthal? And who put sperm in Alan Smith's hair?

News Balls: Neil Warnock resigns as Sheffield Utd boss, Joey Barton arrested and other post-season snacks

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Neil Warnock has decided to leave Bramall Lane after almost eight years in charge of the Blades. 'I believe that this is the right time for me to go,' said Warnock. [BBC Sport] Joey Barton arrested over Dabo training-ground incident, released on bail. [F365] Michel Platini wants even more match officials. The loon. [Guardian Unlimited] Steve Coppell has scooped the League Managers' Association Manager of the Year award for the second year in a row.

The Daily Snapshot

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David Beckham (foreground) warms up with his Real Madrid team-mates during a training session in Madrid on 15 May 2007. [Photo: Denis Doyle/Getty Images]

Big Sam dumps Titus Bramble and Gooch Onyewu

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Big Sam Allardyce doesn't muck about, does he? Just one day after Allardyce was unveiled as Glenn Roeder's successor at Newcastle United, five players were released by the club: Titus Bramble, Craig Moore, Olivier Bernard, Pavel Srnicek and loan signing Oguchi Onyewu have all been told their contracts will not be renewed. Bramble had actually done quite well whenever I saw him this season, although you know he's always capable of making one crucial mistake in a game.

Titus Bramble, a video tribute

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Birmingham City fans, this is what you have to look forward to (if, as expected, he signs for the Blues). If Alan Hansen saw this collection of 'world-class defending' in one sitting, his head would explode, Scanners-style.

Juventus and Napoli's one-on-one shootout

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The clip features an unusual 'penalty' shootout from the Birra Moretti Cup - an invitational Italian pre-season tournament comprising three teams playing 45 minute matches against each other. Draws are settled using this one-on-one shootout, with players allowed to run with the ball and goalkeepers allowed off their line to close the attacker down.

African sides play a game of juju 10-a-side

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Two Malawain sides played a game of 10-a-side amid fears that voodoo magic could be at work. The entire second half of the match between Moyale Barracks and Dwangwa United was played with both teams a man light. The concerns started before the game when Dwangwa's Winter Mpota waited for all the Moyale players to step onto the pitch before entering the field of play himself.

Miss you Weng you're gone: 10 players Arsene should have kept

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With Steve Sidwell making the move from Highbury to Stamford Bridge, via the Madejski Stadium in Reading of course, Pies looks at 10 giveaways which could/or have come back to bite Mr Wenger on the Arsene. 1 Steve Sidwell Wenger let a 20-year-old midfielder by the name of Steven Sidwell slip through his net in 2003. Reading boss Alan Pardew snapped off his hand after being told he could take the promising youngster for an initial fee of £75,000.

Table football, USA style

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Yeah, this is table soccer! (Pumps fist, shakes mullet.)

Bundesliga title race: Schalke 04 choke again

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Poor Schalke. They got within seconds of winning the Bundesliga in 2001, only for Bayern Munich to snatch the title from under their noses with a goal in the 94th minute in their game in Hamburg. Schalke fans had been told they'd won the title and had begun celebrating, but Bayern ruined the party. Now it looks like lightning will strike twice.

Top ten Premiership goals of the season

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These are our top ten goals of the season. Vote for your fav after the jump. 1 Robin Van Persie vs Charlton Very few players in the world are capable of scoring a volley like this. Happily for Arsenal fans, Robin van Persie is one of those rare players. Like no other goal I've seen and so it wins out as Pies' favourite Premierhip goal of 2006/07.

WAG of the week: Danielle Lloyd

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Name Danielle Lloyd Nationality British WAG of… Danielle used to go out with Edward Sheringham, but her dubious behaviour on Celeb Big Brother resulted in Teddy dumping her. She's now dating Charlton's Marcus Bent, although I read today that she's dumped him too. Who knows which footballer she'll end up with next?

Save Ian Holloway's BBC column!

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The BBC is asking readers of its website if they would like to see Ian Holloway keep his column for next season. What a stupid question - of course he should keep his column, it's 20 times better than the mundane cliches churned out by other football columnists, such as Kevin Nolan and Owen Hargreaves. So get on over to the Beeb and add your comment - something along the lines of 'Are you mad?

Sexy World Cup 2006, part eight: Switzerland

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Ah, the Swiss - neutral and sexy, a knockout combination (especially the girl who's gnawing on a rubber chicken). Previously on Sexy World Cup: Brazil, Sweden, Germany, Argentina, Italy, England, USA

The entire world is after West Ham

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It would seem that the entire universe is going after West Ham regarding their dodgy dealings surrounding the capture of Carlos 'has a face so ugly that it could sour milk' Tevez and Javier Mascherano. FIFA are to investigate whether the Hammers should have been docked points for breaching rules over the signings. We all know that the independent commission fined West Ham £5.

The Special One threatens to use Hilario as a striker

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Jose Mourinho is ace. He doesn't half chat some shit. I love it. Not since the days of Brian Clough have we seen someone so reliable when it comes to lunacy and brilliant quotes (not including the genius of Ian Holloway of course). His latest gem is that he thinks that Chelsea's injury problems are so bad that he's considering picking goalkeeper Hilario as a substitute striker for the FA Cup final on Saturday.

Eric Cantona showreel

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It's 10 years ago that Eric Cantona retired from football. He may be a little larger and hairier than you remember him, but somethings haven't changed one bit. When asked by The Times about his feelings looking back at his career, Cantona quipped "Nostalgia can be a pleasant feeling. Childhood memories, music, a smell can make us nostalgic. In football it is more an overall ambience than a game or a special stadium.

Jussi Jaaskelainen made the save of the season…

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According to Match of the Day anyway. And here it is:
Jussi Jaaskelainen Save of the Season
Uploaded by amarchauhan

Dutch pension firm brings you the perfect total football goal

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This advert for Dutch pension company Nationale-Nedelanden brings together some of the finest players to wear the oranger of Holland to score the perfect total football goal.

Gustave Bahoken has a Zaire moment

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Aalesund's Gustave Bahoken does his utmost to keep Lyn Oslo at bay in the Norwegian league with this Zaire-inspired moment of magic.

Newcastle appoint Sam Allardyce as manager

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And in other news, dog bites man. It has hardly come as a surprise, but Big Sam Allardyce has officially been confirmed as the new manager of Newcastle United. The former Bolton boss has signed a three-year deal at St James' Park. He will be officially unveiled at a press conference at 1pm, but his appointment has already been announced to the Stock Exchange and Allardyce has been signing autographs and comparing bellies with the Geordie faithful.

Rivaldo cries during a press conference

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Give that man a role in a daytime soap already! The story is that Rivaldo feels betrayed by his club, Olympiakos of Greece. The 35-year-old Brazilian World Cup winner announced his departure from Olympiakos after negotiations for a new contract broke down. The club said on Saturday that Rivaldo had rejected an offer to renew his contract for another year on the same terms as this season.

Robbie Fowler 'And There Were Goals' t-shirt from TShirts365

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With 'God' on his way out of Anfield once again, it is probably as good a time as any for Liverpool fans to invest in this tribute to the one and only Robert Fowler. A fitting, and only slightly blasphemous, tribute to an Anfield legend. It is available from TShirts365 for £14.99 if you click in the general vicinity of this hyperlink.

More achy breaking news: Stuart Pearce sacked by Man City, Chris Hutchings appointed new Wigan boss

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Does the Monday craziness never end? First Paul Jewell keeps WIgan up but then he resigns. Now Man City, who finished four points above the relegation zone, have sacked Stuart Pearce! Pyscho hasn't proved he can cut it as a manager at the highest level and I think it would do him good to get some experience at League One or Championship level.

The end-of-term report: Arsenal

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Goalkeeping: Jens is a talented pupil but he can be a disruptive influence on the class. I appreciate he has language barriers to overcome but he shouldn't argue with the teacher so much - eight times in detention is not acceptable. Perhaps when Lukasz arrives next term he'll calm down and stop being such a big confrontational German.

Shit lookalikes: Edgar Davids and Juan Sebastian Veron love the other football

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This sketch from the Fox network's MadTV sketch show is about American football, but the actors look like they would have made a formidable midfield pairing at their peak!

Design your own retro football t-shirt - the result

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Many congratulations to Cole, whose colourful homage to Real Madrid/Spain legend Emilio Butragueno wins our 'design your own football t-shirt' competition. The good people at Retro Football T-Shirts will make up Cole's winning design (pictured) into a 100% unique t-shirt that he can wear proudly this summer. Nice one.

Pies' Premiership Team of the Season, part 1

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Unlike most people, we actually wait until the end of the season to do our 'team of the season'. Makes sense, don't you think? Anyhoo, here's our selection for the best XI in 2005/06 (fitting neatly into a time-honoured 4-4-2 formation): GK: JOSE REINA (Liverpool) Pepe still flaps at the odd cross like a giant baby bird, but we'll forgive him the odd discretion (all keepers make mistakes, simple as that).

Shit lookalikes: Patrice Evra and Robert Ri'chard

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A thousand thank-yous to Pies reader Scott, who emailed us this splendid shit lookalike - in case you don't know, Robert Ri'chard (nice apostrophe placement Robert) is a 24-year-old American actor, who has appeared in lots of TV shows (CSI: Miami, Veronica Mars etc.) and the odd shit movie (House of Wax and Coach Carter to name just two). Patrice Evra has never appeared in any episodes of CSI, as far as we know.

Truro lift FA Vase

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Congratulations to the (presumably hungover) lads of Truro City FC who beat AFC Totton 3-1 to clinch the FA Vase this weekend. Two goals from Kevin Wills inspired Truro City to become the first Cornish side to win the trophy as they came back from behind to seal the victory. [Mof Gimmers]

THE VOTE Is Steve Sidwell good enough for Chelsea?

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Steve Coppell won't confirm the identity of Sidwell's new club yet, but it seems almost certain that the 24-year-old ginge has signed for Chelsea. Is he good enough to make it at the Bridge, or are we looking at Scott Parker Mk II, ie. a talented young English midfielder who will lose his way at a big club? You do have to wonder about the intelligence of a footballer who has his wedding vows tattooed on his back in massive letters.

Stevenage win the first trophy at the new Wembley

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Stevenage became the first team to lift a trophy at the new Wembley stadium after beating Kidderminster 3-2 in the FA Trophy Final. The Kiddies fans broke the new stadium in with a great Mexican wave as caught by a Harriers fan enjoying the day out.

Breaking News: Paul Jewell resigns as Wigan boss

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Paul Jewell has resigned as Wigan manager with immediate effect, according to Sky Sports News. Wigan have called a press conference for 3pm on Monday, where they have been tipped to announce Jewell's successor at the JJB Stadium. Presumably, Jewell will be now tipped to become the manager of Manchester City with increasing speculation that Stuart Pearce is set to lose his job.

Pies vs Lawro, Premiership predictions, the final result of the season (sniff)

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Blackburn v Reading Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 2-1 Actual: 3-3 Bolton v Aston Villa Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 1-2 Actual: 2-2 Chelsea v Everton Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 3-1 Actual: 1-1 Liverpool v Charlton Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 4-1 Actual: 2-2 Man Utd v West Ham Lawro: 3-1 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 0-1 Middlesbrough v Fulham Lawro: 2-2 Pies: 3-2 Actual: 3-1 Portsmouth v Arsenal Lawro: 0-2 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 0-0 Sheffield Utd v Wigan Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 1-0 Actual: 1-2 Spurs v Man City Lawro: 3-0 Pies: 2-1 Actual: 2-1 Watford v Newcastle Lawro: 1-2 Pies: 1-2 Actual: 1-1 THE RESULT: A meagre two points for Lawro (he ran out of steam), but a triumphant five points for Pies.

Classic Moment: Dog ends Chic Brodie's career

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This hilarious (until you know the outcome at least) video features a dog tackling Brentford keeper Chic Brodie. The footage comes from a match against Colchester in 1970. The black-and-white terrier seizes on Peter Gelson's backpass and launches itself at Brodie, shattering his knee cap and ending his career in the process. If only Jimmy 'Dog Warden' Greaves had been around things might have turned out differently.

Shit lookalikes: Joey Barton and Eurovision winner Marija Serifovic

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Just before Sam Allardyce makes him a Newcastle player, mouthy Manchester City midfielder Joey Barton has been Blue Moon-lighting in the Eurovision Song Contest.

The Daily Snapshot: Robbie Fowler's Anfield farewell

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Robbie Fowler applauds the Anfield crowd after making his final appearance for Liverpool, against Charlton (the game ended 2-2) yesterday. The man known on the Kop as 'God' didn't mark his swansong with a goal but fans gave him a standing ovation when he was substituted. Fowler is truly one of the great strikers of the Premiership era, although there will always be a nagging feeling that he didn't quite do justice to his wonderful talent.

Ballack and Kahn win legal damages over World Cup vibrators

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German sex toy company Beate Uhse has been ordered to pay €50,000 in damages to Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn after selling vibrators named after them during last year's World Cup in Germany. The company sold World Cup special edition vibrators called 'Michael B' and 'Olli K' in three shops. My head is spinning with the pun possibilities here, but it's Monday morning so my brain is not up to speed yet.

HolloWatch: Ollie lands a 'snippetydoing'

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Plymouth manager Ian Holloway has branded his latest transfer deal an 'absolute snippetydoing'. Ollie has splashed out £400,000 making Hungarian winger Peter Halmosi's loan stint at Home Park a permanent move. He said: "Considering the rest of the league are paying all sorts of money for all sorts of people, I would have thought £400,000 would be an absolute snippetydoing.

The season is over but we're still here!

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The season is over (bar the FA Cup final, playoffs and Champions League final) but we'd like to reassure all readers that Pies will continue to post scurrilous transfer rumours, mildly amusing YouTube videos, shit lookalikes, hot WAG news and much much more throughout the summer - we're not going anywhere, and we hope you don't either. I'd like to offer a massive thanks to all our readers, who have contributed greatly to Pies' increasing success this season.

The Daily Snapshot

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Sheffield Utd manager Neil Warnock looks on in dismay as Wigan boss Paul Jewell celebrates the 2-1 win at Bramall Lane that kept his team in the Premiership. Warnock's Blades were relegated, along with Watford and Charlton Athletic. [Photo: Ross Kinnaird/Getty Images]

Don't cry for me Sheffield United, the truth is Sean Bean still loves you

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No more glamour trips to Reading and Middlesbrough for the Blades next season, but at least you still have the love of Sean Bean, international superstar & hearthrob. It's a sad day for Yorkshire in general - how is it that the biggest county in England has no representation in football's top flight?

Premiership review: Man Utd 0-1 West Ham

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With the official presentation of the Premiership trophy taking place after the final whistle, this result left everyone inside Old Trafford happy. Man Utd didn't play their strongest team, but they still dominated large parts of the match and should have at least managed a draw. West Ham's goal led a charmed life though and in the final 20 minutes they looked quite comfortable, safe in the knowledge that Man U needed to score twice to threaten their Prem status.

Jimmy Hill says 'Think Bike'

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You could waste half your life on YouTube looking for football-related clips. Luckily, Pies is here to do it for you. Think once, think twice, think bike (ouch, that's gotta hurt)…

Paul Whitehouse as Julio Geordio

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Before Jose Arrogantio, there was Julio Geordio, Newcastle's cheeky Colombian…

Harry Enfield's Association Football sketch

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Continuing on a Harry Enfield/Paul Whitehouse tip, here's the funniest sketch Enfield ever did. Still makes me chuckle out loud…

Shit lookalikes: Phil Neville and Lurch

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Having come up trumps with the Dirk Kuyt/Hercules axis of blondeness, regular Pies reader Cole continues on a lookalike tip with this sterling effort - Phil Neville (left) and Lurch (right), the Addams Family's butler, could be father and son.

Freddy Shepherd would carry Michael Owen back to Anfield

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Keep your eyes on the road Freddy.

Southampton fan offers Australian house in return for play-off tickets

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The Sun - who very kindly mentioned us in their paper today - reports that Southampton fan Matt Pearce is offering a month's holiday in his beach-front home in Australia in return for tickets for his team's play-off match against Derby. Matt, aged 28, has flown from Melbourne in his bid to secure tickets for the both the home and away legs of the sell-out tie.

Fantasy Friday: week 36 review

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Oh, forget the Premier League! It's over and done with. The Pies Fantasy League is where it's at! As we head into the last round of fixtures. Tommy is playing the part of Man Utd and seems to have the league wrapped up, but Matt M is doing a better job than Chelsea in keeping it going to the wire. Click here to see the latest league table. This week's league table: 1 Where Was Dean Ashton?

Birmingham City sign Fabrice Muamba. Good bit of business?

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Birmingham City's squidgy-nosed boss Steve Bruce has pulled off a bit of a coup by snapping up Arsenal loanee Fabrice Muamba on a permanent basis. The 19-year-old has been one of the stars of the Blues promotion season. Arsene Wenger had previously indicated that Muamba would not be allowed to leave the Emirates permanently. The energetic midfielder has signed on a three-year deal for an undisclosed fee (presumably to save Wenger's blushes unless Birmingham chairman David Gold has used his porn millions to pay over the odds!

Robbie Fowler leaves Anfield

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With the news that Robbie Fowler will not be offered a new contract at Liverpool at the end of the season, Pies has tracked down pictures of the veteran striker storming out of Anfield at a steady pace!

Pictures from the unveiling of Sir Bobby Moore's statue at the new Wembley

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Sir Bobby Charlton pulls back the drapes on the new statue of Sir Bobby Moore, situated outside the new Wembley Stadium. Outgoing PM Tony Blair was also in attendance. To see more pics from the statue's unveiling, click below… [Photo: Getty Images] [Photos: Getty Images]

Stunning scissor kick all the way from France

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Toulouse's hopes of clinching a UEFA Cup spot were given a royal slapping last night. The side lost 1-0 to Le Mans who won the game with a fabulous bicycle kick from Brazilian striker Grafite. God bless those Brazilians!


Grafite vs Toulouse
Uploaded by REM-Y

Surprise surprise - Tevez is thinking about his future

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West Ham forward Carlos Tevez has shocked the entire world by admitting that he does not know where he will be next season. His move to Ver 'Ammers was greeted in most part by puzzled faces, and this want-away will surprise few... including a fair few West Ham fans I should imagine. Tevez told The Times "I have stopped learning English as I don't know where I am going to end up next season.

Robbie Fowler to bid farewell to Liverpool

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With the announcement that Robbie Fowler won't be offered another contract at Liverpool, so we say goodbye to one of the best loved players ever to grace the Anfield pitch. On his return to the club, he was greeted with a deafening response from the Liverpudlian throng... it'll be twice as loud as he leaves the pitch for the last time this weekend.

News Balls: Lawrie Sanchez resigns as Northern Ireland manager, Arsenal to sign Fabianski and other soccer-shaped snacks

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Arsene Wenger has confirmed Arsenal are set to sign Poland goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski [F365] Man City to decide fate of Joey Barton [BBC Sport] Tony Blair to unveil Sir Bobby Moore statue at Wembley [Guardian] ***BREAKING NEWS*** Lawrie Sanchez resigns as Norther Ireland boss, confirmed as permanent Fulham manager. More to follow… [Radio Five Live}

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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Unlike Pies vs Lawro, the Fiendish Friday Quiz isn't going anywhere this summer. It may take two weeks in Dubai but will return for pre-season training, full of optimism for the new season… 1 Man Utd, West Ham, Stoke City, Norwich (current). Whose downward spiral? 2 Who wears the unlucky No.13 shirt for Chelsea? 3 Picture round. Who 'dis? 4 Graham Poll has only ever sent off two goalkeepers (clue: both currently playing in the Premiership).

Getafe thrash Barca 4-0 to reach Spanish Cup final

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So Lionel Messi's wonder goal counted for nothing! You'd think Barca could hang on to a 5-2 lead, but last night Getafe staged a remarkable comeback in the second leg of their Spanish Cup semi final, winning 4-0 (6-5 on aggregate). Two goals from Daniel Guiza (pictured) and one each from Javi Casquero and Angel Vivar Dorado sealed an astonishing comeback for Getafe, who now face treble-hunting Sevilla in the final on 23 June.

Football babes in pants. Sepp Blatter, this is going out to you…

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Women's football - dignity + hot pants = this video.

Horror Hair: Aaron Lennon's eyebrows

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I once shaved a line in one of my eyebrows. Don't ask me why I did it - I was young and dumb. And yes, it made me look like an utter twat. It looked crap in the early Nineties and, guess what, it looks just as crap now. The fact is, no one looks good with lines shaved into their eyebrows, especially not little Aaron Lennon, who hasn't realised that if you really have to do it then you should only do it to one of your eyebrows.

Rio Ferdinand gets merked by an exercise machine

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Master of merks, Rio Ferdinand, gets his comeupance here courtesy of an exercise machine. His face is priceless!

The Daily Snapshot

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Tottenham manager Martin Jol glances over his shoulder at Egyptian midfielder Hossam Ghaly, who took off his shirt after he was substituted on and then off during last night's Premiership match between Spurs and Blackburn Rovers at White Hart Lane. The match ended 1-1. What does Ghaly expect? He's rubbish, after all. [Photo: Julian Finney/Getty Images]

The WAGs we were: Nicola T's day job

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Apropos of nothing (although it's always nice to us the word 'apropos' when talking about glamour models), here's an image from The Sun's campaign to promote its 2006 World Cup single, Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Jurgen Klinsmann (which you can watch after the click). Nicole T(appenden), the better half of West Ham pot-shot taker Bobby Zamora and newly minted C-list starlet, is wearing the red t-shirt.

Shit lookalikes: John O'Shea and Peter Kay (it rhymes!)

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Yes, John O'Shea not only looks like a bouncer/bodyguard. He also look like a slimmer version of Peter Kay. Sweet baby Jesus of Nazareth.

Another wonder goal you may have missed, by Ricardo Quaresma (Portugal v Belgium)

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That Quaresma, he's a bit special. This goal, scored for Portugal against Belgium in their Euro 2008 qualifier in March this year is an absolute pearl. Full match highlights after the jump…

Top five bets for the weekend

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CARLOS TEVEZ TO SCORE FIRST FOR WEST HAM V MAN UTD (9-1) It's just three clean sheets in 12 games for Man United and it could be worth taking a chance that Carlos Tevez (six goals in nine games) can bag a surprise opener amid the carnival atmosphere at Old Trafford. The Argentine is in the shop window after all and this wouldn't be a bad way to impress Sir Fergie.

THE VOTE The Premiership relegation puzzle - who do you want to go down?

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So which team out of Wigan, West Ham and Sheffield Utd do you want to go down? I'd have to say Wigan - non-Latics fans, would you really miss them? They get feeble crowds, play pretty unattractive football (not all the time, I hasten to add) and generally don't add that much to the Premiership – although I do have a lot of time for Paul Jewell.

Pies vs Lawro, the final Premiership predictions of the season

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So, it's the last Pies vs Lawro for a couple of months (sniff). Thanks to everyone who's taken part over the last few months. Pies vs Lawro will return, stronger than ever and with regular prizes to boot… Blackburn v Reading Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 2-1 Bolton v Aston Villa Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 1-2 Chelsea v Everton Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 3-1 Liverpool v Charlton Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 4-1 Man Utd v West Ham Lawro: 3-1 Pies: 1-1 Middlesbrough v Fulham Lawro: 2-2 Pies: 3-2 Portsmouth v Arsenal Lawro: 0-2 Pies: 1-1 Sheffield Utd v Wigan Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 1-0 Spurs v Man City Lawro: 3-0 Pies: 2-1 Watford v Newcastle Lawro: 1-2 Pies: 1-2 Join in the fun, you know you want to…

Manchester United go racing at Chester

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Manchester United's first team celebrated watching their reserves draw 0-0 with Chelsea last night by going to Ladies Day at Chester Racecourse. Oo-er! Cristiano Ronaldo - who appears to have hired John O'Shea as a bodyguard (now that is a utility player!) - was a non-runner. [Image: Getty] Time for a game of spot the difference. After the jump.

Horror Hair: Chris Eagles

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Pies is always eager to see young up-and-coming Horror Hair candidates breaking into the first-team. Manchester United youngster Chris Eagles is an excellent example of this. I can empathise with Eagles though because I know for a fact that my hairdresser would love to give me one of these New Age mullets given half a chance! Sir Alex obviously fancies his chances of making the grade.

Exclusive! Pies writer secretly filmed watching Man U vrs Chelsea

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In an exclusive video, I can reveal some stunning hidden footage of an unnamed Pies writer watching Chelsea take on newly crowed champs, Man United.

Michael Owen called up to England B

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Michael Owen. Remember him? He used to be a footballer. Well, Owen, aside from being chased by some rather big clubs, is all set to play for England again... albeit for the B Team set to play Albania at Burnley's Turf Moor ground on 25 May. The Newcastle striker has played a paltry two games after knackering his knee up against Sweden at the 2006 World Cup last summer.

Roma spank Inter in Coppa Italia first leg

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Roma, who have been beaten by Inter in the past two Coppa Italia finals, served up some sweet revenge by hammering six to romp home to victory in the first leg of the final.


Roma 6 - Inter 2
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David Beckham's horror hair files

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Although we love to slag him off for his vanity, Becks hasn't had that many dreadful hair styles over the years. At least he has the option of a style - Pies is sadly afflicted with male pattern baldness and is in no position to pass judgment…

Jose Mourinho: 'I sign a little player or two…'

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Another brilliant Jose impersonation by Mario Rosenstock, as featured on Today FM's brilliant Gift Grub spot. It's funny because it's true…

The Elland Rodent was wrong about Dennis Wise

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Added to YouTube in October 2006. I guess you don't have to be a psychic rodent to know that Dennis Wise is no Roy Keane.

Big Sam will turn Newcastle United into a big club again

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Bookmakers Ladbrokes have suspended all betting on Sam Allardyce's appointment as the new Newcastle boss. The bookies don't get it wrong very often and so it seems like a done deal. Most Newcastle fans seem pretty happy with Big Sam's imminent appointment, although I have heard some complain that he's too defensive to please the Toon Army. Bollocks, I say.

It's official: Michael Ball is a little kitten

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If you thought Michael Ball was a naughty boy for stamping on Cristiano Ronaldo at the weekend, think again. This action from the Turkish league takes it to a new level, although the dive which sparks the incident is nearly deserving of the stamp. [Via The Offside]

Classic Moment: Stan Collymore hits Tim Flowers' divot

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This classic goalkeeping howler sees Blackburn Rovers keeper Tim Flowers being undone by his own vandalism. Stan Collymore's daisy-cutter hits the stud marks Flowers has put on the pitch to help him with his angles. More goalkeeping divot disasters

The Daily Snapshot

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Tomasz Kuszczak of Man Utd stretches for the ball under pressure from Chelsea's John Terry during last night's Premiership match at Stamford Bridge. [Photo: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images]

Premiership review: Chelsea 0-0 Man Utd

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Well that was fun. What had been built up as a potential Premiership decider (Super Wednesday! Sky would have screamed) ended up as the dampest squib of the season. The sight of Chelsea's players dutifully forming a guard of honour for the likes of Kieran Richardson, Dong Fanzhuo and Chris Eagles was faintly ridiculous, and the 90 minutes that followed was zzzzz-worthy.

10 things more interesting than watching Chelsea v Manchester United

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1 Watching paint dry 2 Watching Channel 4 property programmes while ignoring a nagging feeling of deja-vu 3 Attempting to sing Sex Pistols songs in a Jose Mourinho voice 4 Attempting to sing Sex Pistols songs in a Sir Alex Ferguson voice 5 Using the internet to researchtumbleweed 6 Using the internet to research either side's starting line-up 7 Watching a long interview with Alan Shearer 8 Googling yourself 9 Making a DIY zebra out of a horse 10 Clive Tyldesley

Fanbanta brings you the sound of silence

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New footy website Fanbanta has produced this clip mocking the customary pre-match one minute's silence. It's funny because it's true! No wonder one minute's clapping is now being touted as the way forward.

Roy Keane kills Michael Owen. Sort of…

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Not amazingly funny but accurate in as much as Roy Keane probably does have a devil and a slightly bigger devil on each shoulder. [From 2DTV]

Roy Keane interview on Eamon Dunphy's chat show

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Combining the subjects of the two previous posts, here's a clip of Eamon Dunphy's TV interview with Roy Keane, first televised in 2003 on TV3 in Ireland. I find Keane endlessly fascinating and he's clearly an intelligent men, despite some of the brainless things he did on the pitch. Here's part one of the interview. It's a total love-in between Dunphy and Keane, who are good friends (Dunphy ghost-wrote Keane's book), but still well worth a watch… To watch parts two and three, click below… Roy Keane late to get on the team bus?

Vasquez wonder goal was no fluke

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Sensing that cynical bloggers the world over were suggesting his sensational goal was an overhit cross, IFK's Andres Vasquez has been showing off on Swedish television to prove that he meant it. This video shows him recreating the goal. [Via 101Greatgoals]

Franz Beckenbauer track top from Adidas Originals

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This rather nice Adidas track top is an exact replica of one worn by Franz Beckenbauer back in the day. The minimalistic approach to sportswear is to be applauded as Adidas resist the temptation to put a huge logo over the front. There are a few Der Kaiser-inspired Adidas pieces knocking around at the moment, including the Beckenbauer trainers.

Eamon Dunphy calls BBC football pundits 'clowns'

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'This madness… they don't believe it, why are they saying it?' Taken from Dunphy's weekly football show for 3 mobile. He's just brilliant, isn't he? I could listen to his punditry all day long.

THE VOTE Tottenham's new kit for 2007/08 season

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First Arsenal with a white away kit and now this madness! I'm still not convinced this is genuine, even though the picture seems to be free of the signs of Photoshop. Anyway, Caught Offside has posted this pic of what is apparently Spurs' new kit for next season. I think it's a nod to a similar strip worn by Tottenham in the 19th, but that doesn't mean I have to like it simply out of respect for the club's traditions.

The Daily Snapshot

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VIF Fredrikstad supporters welcome fans of Lyn Oslo. Brilliant. [Via The Offside]

Dimitar Berbatov will stay at Spurs next season. Maybe

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Phew, after the immense shock of seeing Tottenham's rubbish new kit, I could do with some positive Spurs news. And here it is: Dimitar Berbatov, the best player in the whole world (or at least the best Bulgarian) is reportedly set to stay at Spurs for another season. The player's agent, Emil Dantchev, said in April that Berbatov would remain at White Hart Lane for a minimum of another season and yesterday confirmed that: 'Nothing has changed - except for the number of goals that he has scored,' he said.

Classic Moment: Brian Clough on the Germans

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Oh, Cloughie, never one to mince his words was he? Coming from anyone else, this would sound xenophobic. But coming from Old Bighead, it sounds almost reasonable. What a legend.

Dennis Pennis interviews Des Lynam and Alan Hansen

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Des totally owns Pennis and Alan, who appears to be loaded on Valium, takes it all in his stride. 2-0 the football world.

Classic Moments: Chelsea 5-0 Manchester United

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The 1999 to 2000 season: it was a simpler time. Chris Sutton was considered a big money signing by Chelsea fans, Fergie's 'kids' still formed the backbone of his team and Dennis Wise was a pesky Premiership midfield imp instead of a newly-relegated League One manager.

Is Michael Owen still quick enough to get out of Newcastle without being lynched?

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It is clear to see that some nasty injuries have claimed a yard or two of Michael Owen's pace over the years, but he must still fancy his chances in a foot race if reports in this morning's papers are anything to go by. Various newspapers reckon Manchester United, Liverpool and Chelsea have caught wind of a £9 million release clause in Owen's Newcastle contract and will make a move.

Blog of the week: WAGS Blog

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A whole blog dedicated to WAGs. What is the world coming to? A good portion of this blog was given over to covering ITV reality series WAGs Boutique, but that's finished now, so it's back to scouring the tabloids for morsels of WAG-related news - I say news, but I'm not sure that the fact that Steven Gerrard and his missus Alex Curran have set a date for their wedding constitutes hard news.

Fergie says Liverpool have no chance against Milan in the Champions League final. Is he right?

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With the Premiership title in the bag, Alex Ferguson has written off Liverpool's chances of winning a sixth European title later this month. 'I told Carlo [Ancelotti, Milan's boss] at the end of our semi-final that there is no way he can now not win this competition,' said Fergie. 'Carlo gave me a magnificent bottle of wine. But I immediately told him there is no point in giving such a wonderful gift if he then fails in the final.

Classic Horror Hair: Jason Lee's pineapple

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He's got a pineapple on his head. Nottingham Forest striker Jason Lee and his pineapple haircut were the victims of endless ribbing from David Baddiel and Frank Skinner in the early 1990s. Here is one such example.

Alan Ball 'Legend' t-shirt from TShirts365

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Celebrate the World Cup-winning exploits of the late Alan Ball with this new t-shirt from TShirts365. As the spiel on their website says: "A man who we grew up knowing as a cap wearing squeeky-voiced underachieving manager... Later we found out he was one of the best English players of all time and won the World Cup." Here's to Bally - a legend and a gentleman.

Bungs, Big Sam, Bond and lawsuits: Newcastle to land themselves in hot water by appointing Big Sam Allardyce

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Newcastle could weaken their defence in a legal case if, as expected, they appoint Big Sam Allardyce as their new manager. Remember Glenn Roeder's former assistant Kevin Bond? Yeah, the guy who was Harry Redknapp's assistant at Portsmouth and was sacked by Newcastle after being implicated in the BBC Panorama bungs investigation. Do you see where we are going with this now?

Ribery eyes move to England

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Franck Ribery has revealed that he 'dreams' of a move to Manchester United, Arsenal or Chelsea. Don't we all? Anyway, the wonky faced Marseille star has been given permission to leave the club should a big enough offer be made in the summer and there will be plenty of clubs hoping to land a talent as big has his. Ribery may decide to stay at the Stade Velodrome should they qualify for the Champions League, if they fail, it isn't hard to imagine him wanted out.

Where have all the world-class strikers gone?

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As we told you yesterday, Man Utd boss Alex Ferguson is on the look-out for three players to strengthen his squad this summer. Striker is one position he needs some more quality, but where are the world-class strikers? It's a question that Fergie has been asking himself: 'You look through the world and say to yourself: "where are all the strikers?

Greatest goal ever scored. Ever. Ever. Ever.

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This is surely the finest goal ever ever ever scored. It comes from last night's game between Orebro and IFK Gothenburg in Sweden. Andres Vasquez thought "why not?" and audaciously pulled a f**king plum out and scored a goal that will surely never be equalled. I need a lie down.

[Mof Gimmers]

Mourinho and Benitez are ruining the beautiful game, says Jorge Valdano

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Ex-Real Madrid coach and World Cup winner Jorge Valdano has attacked Rafael Benitez and Jose Mourinho, likening the Champions League semi-final between Liverpool and Chelsea to 'a shit hanging from a stick'. Writing in Spanish newspaper Marca, Valdano said: 'Football is made up of subjective feeling, of suggestion - and, in that, Anfield is unbeatable.

Barton up for grabs for £5.5million

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Manchester City are all set for offloading Joey Barton for the princely sum of £5.5m (you heard it here first), according to the player's agent Willie McKay. That's £2.75m for each arse-cheek. With Big Sam presumably having some pennies to spend at Newcastle next season, he's just the kind of 'troubled' lad he'll be rubbing his thighs over.

Pub quiz ammo: which Premiership players have been relegated with four different clubs?

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If, during a Premiership relegation battle, you look around the dressing room and see any of the following players, ask for a transfer immediately because you're going down: Ashley Ward: Now retired, Ward became the first player to be relegated with four different Prem teams: Norwich (1995), Barnsley (1998), Blackburn (1999) and Bradford (2001).

Cypriot striker scores 16 goals in one game

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Olympos Xylofagou striker Panagiotis Pontikos scored an astonishing 16 (sixteen) goals as his side thrashed SEK Ayios Athanasios 24-3 in the Cypriot third division this weekend. That's six more goals than Man City scored all season at home. 'I cannot remember a result like that in all the years I have been involved with football,' said a Cyprus Football Association official.

Gordon Ramsay slags off Cheryl Tweedy for being a vegetarian

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When Girls Aloud were invited to dine at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant during filming for a new series of The F Word (which starts tonight on Channel 4, 9pm), they found the abrasive superchef to be on fine form. Firstly, Gordon slagged off the whole group for being stick-thin: 'You do realise this is a cooking show? By looking at how skinny you are, you don't eat food.

THE VOTE Is Darren Bent good enough for the big four?

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Now that Charlton have been relegated, they'll struggle to hold on to Darren Bent, their best player by some distance. Bent, still only 23, has won a couple of England caps already, but is he good enough to play for one of the Premiership's big four (Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool & Arsenal)? Personally, I'd say no - he's good but probably not quite good enough to interest the likes of Ferguson, Benitez and Mourinho.

Don't Hang Up In Anger: Noel Gallagher takes a drunken phone call from Mani and friends

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Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher received a gloating phone call from Primal Scream bassist Mani - and a pub full of Manchester United fans - after the Red Devils were crowned champions. United fan Mani - real name Gary Mountfield - called Manchester City fan Gallagher and invited everyone present at a pub in Heaton Moor, Manchester, to join him in a rendition of 'champions, champions'.

Pies vs Lawro, Premiership predictions: The Result

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Man City v Man Utd Lawro: 0-2 Pies: 1-3 Actual: 0-1 Everton v Portsmouth Lawro: 1-0 Pies: 0-0 Actual: 3-0 Fulham v Liverpool Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 0-0 Actual: 1-0 Newcastle v Blackburn Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 0-2 Reading v Watford Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 2-1 Actual: 0-2 West Ham v Bolton Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 2-1 Actual: 3-1 Wigan v Middlesbrough Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 2-2 Actual: 0-1 Aston Villa v Sheffield Utd Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 3-0 Actual: 3-0 Arsenal v Chelsea Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 1-1 Charlton v Tottenham Lawro: 1-2 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 0-2 THE RESULT: Seven points for Lawro (one correct scoreline, four correct results) and eight points for Pies, thanks to two correct scorelines and two correct results.

Arsenal's Ladies win the quadruple

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Let's hear it for Arsenal Ladies! In winning the Women's FA Cup at the weekend (4-1 against Charlton Women), they completed an unprecedented quadruple (League Cup, Premier League, FA Cup and Uefa Cup). In other words, they did what Chelsea's men couldn't. Many congrats to all concerned - a fantastic achievement. It was also very encouraging to see that a crowd of almost 25,000 turned up at Nottingham Forest's City Ground to watch the FA Cup final - that's double the previous record crowd for a women's FA Cup final.

The Tuesday 10: Ian Holloway's quotes of the season

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Ollie has kept us thoroughly entertained this season. English football would be a more boring place without his wit and wisdom. Ollie, we salute you! Here's ten of his best quotes of the season: 1 'If anybody's offended by seeing a backside, get real. Maybe they're just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.

Premier League sues YouTube - no more football clips on the web?

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The FA Premier League initiated legal action against YouTube on Friday for copyright infringement, which could be bad news for football fans everywhere. If you miss Match of the Day on Saturday night/Sunday morning or Sky's Super Sunday, YouTube is the first port of call to catch up on any Prem action you have missed. Hmm, a few things the geniuses at the Premier League would do well to consider: 1) You can't regulate the internet - stop one person from posting football clips and another 100 doing the same thing will take their place - did the music industry stop the flood of MP3s online?

Tips on making it look like you're trying to fix a match #4539

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Scoring an own goal is always galling for a footballer, but to score it from a penalty - and a penalty you conceded at that - must make you want to walk off the pitch there and then. Pogoń Szczecin's Thiago is the man wishing the pitch would open up and swallow him. More Polish league humour

The Daily Snapshot

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Charlton Athletic fans come to term's with their club's relegation. Charlton lost 2-0 at home to Spurs last night, condemning them to the drop. Tottenham's win keeps them in the hunt for a Uefa Cup place, and also ensures the Premiership status of Fulham for at least another season. Watch highlights of the match after the click… [Photo: Getty Images]
Charlton vs Tottenham
Uploaded by BozWolf Jermain Defoe, a former Charlton player, finished his old team off - but he should really have passed to Steed Malbranque, no?

The Summer Shopping List: Man Utd (or, guess which three players Alex Ferguson wants to sign this summer?)

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If this isn't prime material for pub-based speculation, I don't know what is: Fergie has announced, via chief exec. David Gill, that Man U have identified 'three targets' to buy during this summer's season break. We've taken a good look at Man U's squad to see which areas they need to strengthen… Goalkeepers: Edwin van der Sar probably has one or two more seasons in him at the highest level, but United are well-covered in this area, with Tomasz Kuszczak and Ben Foster waiting in the wings.

Breaking news: Big Sam Allardyce to be Newcastle United's new manager

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I could hardly bring myself to post on Glenn Roeder's demise because just thinking about the charisma-free Roeder makes me fall asleep and dribble on my keyboard - and dribble + keyboard = f**ked-up keyboard. Much more exciting - if entirely predictable - is the report, coming from BBC Radio Newcastle, that Big Sam Allardyce will be Roeder's replacement.

Premiership review: Arsenal 1-1 Chelsea

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Yesterday's crunch game at the Emirates was absorbing, if only to watch Chelsea's grip on the Premiership title finally relax - they've been bravely hanging on with one hand to the edge of a cliff for several months now. A team with a lesser manager than Jose Mourinho would have capitulated long ago, so I give the Blues my respect for pushing Man Utd almost all the way.

MLS review - video of all the goals from week five

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Some fine goals scored this weekend. The game of the weekend was a 'six-goal thriller' (aren't they always?) between Real Salt Lake and Red Bull New York. Real still hasn't won a game this season but they pushed NY all the way and picked up a well-deserved point. Red Bull's failure to win saw the Kansas City Wizards, who defeated Columbus Crew 1-0, move to the top of the Eastern Division.

What do points make? Prizes!

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And so, after a mighty slog of a season, we now know the champions in each of English football's top four divisions, Keep posted for a full review of the season this week. Premiership: Manchester United Here's Sir Alex Ferguson's reaction to winning the title. Man Utd thoroughly deserved to pip Chelsea to the title, although it would be churlish not to acknowledge the Chavs' never-say-die attitude - even when 1-0 down and one man down to Arsenal, they still believed that they could come back and win.

Leeds United, the fall from grace

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The Decline Of Leeds
Uploaded by super-goal [Via 101GreatGoals]

Top five Premiership goals of the weekend

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1 Mark Noble, West Ham v Bolton Cock the hammer, pull the trigger, bosh…
3-0 Noble vs Bolton
Uploaded by wwwARSENALCLIPStk 2 Gabriel Agbonlahor, Aston Villa v Sheffield Utd Strong run, even stronger finish from one of English football's brightest young talents.
1-0 Agbonlahor
Uploaded by samgoff 3 Carlos Tevez, West Ham v Bolton Sweet free-kick from the Hammer of the Year; reminiscent of the one he scored against Spurs.

The Daily Snapshot

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Kenwyne Jones of Southampton celebrates scoring a goal during the Championship match between Southampton and Southend United at St Mary's Stadium on Sunday. Southampton's 4-1 victory ensured that they finished the season in sixth position. They now face Derby County in the play-offs. [Photo: Ian Walton/Getty Images]

Thug wars: Michael Ball vs Michael Brown

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In the blue corner, we have Michael Ball, who seemed hell-bent on inflicting some kind of Zorro Zed on Cristiano Ronaldo's chest during the Manc derby on Saturday…
Ball (MC) Stamp On Ronaldo (MU)
Uploaded by FootballHeaven And in the white/black corner, repeat offender Michael Brown, who stuck a mini-nod on Xabi Alonso during Fulham v Liverpool (incident at around 1min 55secs in)… Free Poll - Take Our Poll

Christian Vieri's wonder goal, Atalanta v Siena

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Vieri turns, he shoots, the ball goes in the back of the net. Except that doesn't really tell the whole story. [Via 101GreatGoals]
Vieri vs Sienne
Uploaded by REM-Y

Jose Mourinho's Don't Stop Me Now song

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Can Arsenal stop Chelsea today? Not if Jose has anything to do with it…

The Daily Snapshot

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West Ham's players touch their noses – as you do – during a training session, prior to today's crucial Premiership clash with Bolton at Upton Park. [Photo: Getty Images]

Roman Abramovich wants to buy the White House

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[From Ruddy Hell! It's Harry and Paul]

HolloWatch: Ollie hates Topshop

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Plymouth boss (and the only Football League manager to tell us to go swivel - so far!) Ian Holloway has been having a good moan about women in shorts in his latest BBC column. Ollie was responding to a question about the new Kate Moss range at Topshop. Politically correct as ever, he said: "I won't be going anywhere near Top Shop, mate - it's not really my bag.

Leeds United go into administration, relegated after being deducted 10 points

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Leeds United have been relegated to League One after being deducted 10 points for going into administration. The 10-point deduction means Leeds will finish the season bottom of the Championship, below Southend and Luton, the other two relegated clubs. On the positive side, Leeds will not lose any points for the start of their first season in League One.

Aston Villa unveil new club crest

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Villa's new crest (on the left) actually looks older than the one it replaces (shown on the right). Brand new retro, you might say. EPL Talk has the lowdown on the new crest: 'The star signifies the one European Cup that Villa won. 'Prepared' is the club's motto. The use of 'AVFC' to signify Aston Villa Football Club also is very retro as more and more clubs these days avoid putting the words 'FC' into their crest (the best example is Manchester United).

Classic Moments: Manchester United 5-0 Manchester City, 1994

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Something for the Chelsea fans to have nightmares over tonight!

One to watch: Bojan Krkic, Barcelona & Spain

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I've been reading a lot about Bojan Krkic in the last couple of weeks. He's a 16-year-old striker on the books of Barcelona and there's every chance he'll break into Barca's first-team squad next season. He made his debut for Barcelona's first team in a friendly against Al-Ahly in Cairo last week, and scored, prompting head coach Frank Rijkaard to praise Krkic's 'great talent, coolness and class'.

Pies vs Lawro, Premiership predictions

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Pies might have to give up this predicting lark, cause we're frankly not very good at it. Oh well, let's have another go at the Lawro… Man City v Man Utd Lawro: 0-2 Pies: 1-3 Everton v Portsmouth Lawro: 1-0 Pies: 0-0 Fulham v Liverpool Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 0-0 Newcastle v Blackburn Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-1 Reading v Watford Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 2-1 West Ham v Bolton Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 2-1 Wigan v Middlesbrough Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 2-2 Aston Villa v Sheffield Utd Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 3-0 Arsenal v Chelsea Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 1-1 Charlton v Tottenham Lawro: 1-2 Pies: 1-1 Add your own thoughts, no doubt they'll be much more accurate than anything Pies or Lawro has to offer!

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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More pain for your football brain. Answers revealed after the click. 1 Hellas Verona, Parma, AC Milan, Aston Villa (current). Whose career path? 2 Which Premiership club was originally called St. Domingos FC? 3 Picture round: 4 With MLS team CD Chivas, what does the 'CD' stand for? 5 I was born in Salford in 1946. I support Barnet FC. I appeared in the Aardman animated movie Flushed Away.

Argentine goalkeeper does a Schumacher

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Ouch! Precious goalkeepers might be fond of protecting their personal space, but when you kick a player in the head that is a red card whether you wear gloves or not. Take the case of Velez Sarsfield keeper Gaston Sessa. Incensed by the presence of Boca Juniors' Rodrigo Palacio within his five metre safety perimeter, Sensa landed a kung-fu kick on his opponent's face.

THE VOTE Is Carlo Cudicini the best-looking player at Chelsea?

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It's a week since we unearthed a clip of the Chelsea squad looking very sheepish when asked to name their best-looking team-mate. In that week every man and his blog has covered the video, culminating in an appearance on Radio One the other day (they overlooked the fact that they are perhaps not best-placed to share videos with their audience!

Fabio Cannavaro cuts Gattuso and De Rossi's hair during a flight

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We continue on a theme of YouTube videos featuring Italian footballers, specifically Rino Gattuso. I assume this is a video taken from a flight around the time of the last summer's World Cup. Anyway, Italy's captain Fabio Cannavaro gives Gattuso and Daniele De Rossi a close shave mid-flight. As you do. One other thing to point out - De Rossi's missus Tamara, who is glimpsed in the clip, is H.

Fantasy Friday: week 35 review

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The end is nigh, folks. Welcome to the penultimate Fantasy Friday review of the season. It's all happening in the Pies Fantasy League! Long-term champion elect Tommy has unwittingly maxed out his transfers for the season and Matt M is closing the gap. But is there enough time to catch him? Click below for the latest league table. This week's league table: 1 Where Was Dean Ashton?

THE VOTE Steven 'Long-ball dinosaur' Gerrard vs Gennaro 'Scary as a kitten' Gattuso

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Ahead of this month's Champions League final, Milan dynamo Rino Gattuso has taken a pop at Liverpool's long-ball dinosaurs: 'All Liverpool try to do is defend together, with everybody behind the ball and just one striker… All they do is play long balls — every ball is a long ball. It is very different to Manchester, who are a real footballing team.

Top five bets for the weekend

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EVERTON TO BEAT PORTSMOUTH (Evens) An overreaction to back-to-back defeats (in the most recent they were 2-0 up against Man Utd) has seen Everton's price become extremely attractive considering they are playing a Portsmouth team that is hopeless away from Fratton Park (nine without a win including defeats at Watford and Wigan).

The Daily Snapshot

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Kevin Wolze and Konstantin Rausch of Germany compete for the ball with Dmytro Yeremenko of Ukraine during the 2007 UEFA European Under 17 Championship Group A match between Germany and Ukraine in Eupen, Belgium. Ah, the exuberance of youth. [Photo: Lars Baron/Bongarts/Getty Images]

UEFA Cup semi final review: Sevilla vs Osasuna, Werder Bremen v Espanyol

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Sevilla 2-0 Osasuna Sevilla, conquerors of Spurs in the quarter finals and current UEFA Cup holders, deservedly reached the final with a comfortable win against Osasuna at home. Trailing 1-0 from the first leg, they should have won by more than a two-goal margin, but Freddie Kanoute left his shooting boots at home for once.
Seville en finale
Uploaded by boules13010 Highlights of Werder Bremen v Espanyol after the jump… Werder Bremen 1-2 Espanyol Sitting on a 3-0 lead, Espanyol were always in the driving seat in this tie, and so it proved.

Forget the Champions League, Man Utd and Chelsea are still much better than Liverpool

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To all Liverpool fans who have argued that they'd rather win the Champions League than the Premiership (and I've read more than a few such arguments in the last couple of days), that's fair enough if you genuinely believe that, but don't for a minute think that you're suddenly a better side than Man Utd or Chelsea: you're not. No way. The league table doesn't lie - a cliche but perfectly true.

England B revived for Albania clash

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An England B side will face Albania at Burnley's Turf Moor ground on May 25, the FA has confirmed. The B team was last in action for the pre-World Cup game against Belarus last May. Before that there had been no B matches since 1998. The B-team is seen as an opportunity for fringe players to become accustomed to the glare of Steve McClaren's newly whitened teeth before moving on to the senior squad.

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan may sue West Ham

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Wigan chairman Dave Whelan says he may sue West Ham United in the wake of the Tevezcherano incident. The Hammers were fined £5.5m but not deducted points after being accused of acting improperly over the transfers. 'This is a very serious offence West Ham committed,' said Whelan, whose Wigan team may yet be relegated below West Ham. 'They broke the law, told blatant lies and should have got a 10-point penalty… If we can sue West Ham or the Premier League, I am sure that will happen.

Gennaro Gattuso's Scottish TV interview

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'Dundee United have the orange t-shirt, you know…' What a lovely twinkle in his eye Rino has. He's our new favourite player in the world… ever. (Yes, we're bloody fickle, we know.) The way he calls Gazza a 'crazy bastard' is priceless.

HolloWatch: Ollie turns fitness facist

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Pies favourite Ian Holloway has thrown a spanner in the works of any Plymouth players hoping to have a lazy summer break. Argyle players will be hauled before Ollie and his coaching team three weeks before pre-season starts to have their post-holiday beer bellies judged (and do some fitness tests). Anyone found to have been slacking will be given a special programme to ensure they are not below par when they return to full training.

Rino Gattuso and Christian Vieiri on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

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One for our Italian readers, 'cause I've got no idea what the bloody hell is going on…

THE VOTE Where should David Nugent be playing next season?

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With a number of clubs now circling around Preston North End and England striker David Nugent like thieves around a Liverpool goalie's house, it is time for the people who really matter - that's you lot - to decide where the man with a 100 per cent international strike rate should play his footballl next season. We've given you the choice of the main clubs the tabloids are linking him with at the moment, or staying at Deepdale.

Lookalikes: Dirk Kuyt and Disney's Hercules

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Many thanks to regular Pies reader Cole for this tremendous spot. They could be brothers, albeit brothers where Hercules got all the looks and Dirk got the, er, ability to run around enthusiastically for 90 minutes without actually offering much of a goal threat.

One reason why Alan Shearer would be a shit manager

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All the passion of a soggy vegetable.

The Daily Snapshot

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Man Utd winger Cristiano Ronaldo is hounded by Massimo Oddo and Gennaro Gattuso of AC Milan during the Champions League semi final, second leg match between AC Milan and Man Utd at the San Siro last night. Milan nullified Ronaldo's threat and ran out comfortable 3-0 winners. [Photo: Mike Hewitt/Getty Images]

Show us what you can do Mr Woo

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We haven't had any freestyle tricksters on Pies for a little while, so here is walking T-Mobile advert Mr Woo doing his routine.

Classic Moments: AC Milan v Liverpool, Champions League final, mark one

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The 2007 Champions League final is to be almost a carbon copy of the 2005 final: AC Milan v Liverpool in a eastern Europe capital city. Here is a reminder of what happened last time round (in case you were in a coma at the time or something).

Champions League review: AC Milan 3-0 Man Utd

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Well that was a let-down for all Man U fans and fans of English football in general. Milan stormed out of the blocks and never let the visitors settle - fair play to them, they played the perfect match. Edwin van der Sar made a couple of great saves, but I can't think of one United outfield player who did himself justice. Rooney and Ronaldo failed to dazzle in attack, whilst United's midfield was made to look horribly lightweight by Pirlo, Seedorf and man-of-the-match Gattuso (he could have been MotM five times over).

Eamon Dunphy: Reality is Kaka

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Eamon Dunphy, RTE's most outspoken pundit (that takes some doing), demonstrates once again why he is worth 1,000 Hansens and Shearers. I have to get a t-shirt printed up with 'Reality is Kaka' emblazoned on it. [Via 101GreatGoals]

AC Milan vs Man Utd, player ratings

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AC Milan Dida Did he touch the ball in the first half? Hardly. Looked sound enough when called upon in the second half though. 6 Kakha Kaladze An underrated defender. Tenacious, unruffled, never lost control. 7 Alessandro Nesta One of the easiest nights he's ever had in Europe.

RTE pundits get their own back: 'Cristiano Ronaldo is not a great player'

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Having had to eat a fair portion of humble pie when Ronaldo played out of his socks for Man Utd against Roma in the Champions League quarter final, Messrs Dunphy, Brady and Giles lapped up the Portuguese winger's poor performance last night: I agree with a lot of their analysis - a 'great match-winner but not a great player'. Ronaldo has the potential to be a truly great player but he desperately needs to learn from the selflessness of a team player like Kaka.

AZ Alkmaar fan thinks his team will win Dutch title, gets tattoo. Hmm, guess what happens next…

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I think this AZ fan has learned a valuable life lesson - never presume your team will win the league just because they have to beat a crappy team on the last day of the season; and definitely don't get a tattoo to celebrate your presumption. If you didn't read our post on the amazing conclusion to the Dutch Eredivisie, that will illuminate this guy's stupidity perfectly.

Jose Mourinho is generous

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Yesterday we brought you the shocking news that Jose Mourinho is ungenerous courtesy of RTE Sport's Bill O'Herlihy, but did any Pies readers notice that he was also described as generous yesterday. ITV anchor Steve 'It's not a wig, I swear' Rider slipped in the compliment after the Special One's post-match interview last night. I can't find video evidence to back this up, so you will have to trust me.

Kit Parade: AC Milan 1963 European Cup shirt

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The excellent Toffs is - unsurprisingly - today showcasing their retro Manchester United and AC Milan shirts (they have got some little match on tonight or something!). This one is a replica of Milan's shirt from the 1963 European Cup final in which they beat Benfica 2-1 at Wembley. You can click here to buy it for £34.99.

Pepe Reina pays the penalty for shoot-out heroics as house is burgled

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While Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina was successfully defending his goal against Chelsea last night there was sadly nobody to guard his house. The Spaniard returned from celebrating his match-winning shoot-out saves at 12.45am to find that his home in Woolton, Liverpool, had been raided. Jewellery, a Bang and Olufsen entertainment system, personal documents and a grey Porsche Cayenne with Spanish number plates were taken.

Classic Moments: Man Utd v Juventus, Champions League semi final, 1999

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When Juve took the lead at Old Trafford I remember thinking 'That's the treble f***ed then…' But I didn't reckon on the mental strength of United, typified by Roy Keane, whose performance in the second leg – after he had been booked and knew he'd miss out on the final – was immense and unforgettable. One of the great European ties of the past decade…

Man City will sell Joey Barton this summer. Good riddance?

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Man City have finally lost patience with Joey Barton. The club will unload the outspoken, bottom-baring troublemaker because, frankly, he's more trouble than he's worth - and right now, purely as a footballing asset, he's worth quite a lot to City – at least £6m I'd say. Now the usual mid-table Prem clubs, who prefer to rely on English graft rather than continental skill – Newcastle and Everton spring immediately to mind - will no doubt be making contact with Barton's agent very soon, if they haven't already done so.

Another Mascherano/West Ham rant

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Watching Javier Mascherano put in a man-of-the-match performance in a Liverpool shirt last night was a treat (I love Maschy, mostly because he's so bloody good in Pro Evolution Soccer) but also made me very angry with English football. How the feck could neither Alan Pardew or Alan Curbishley get the best – or anything like his best – out of a player who is clearly world-class?

Arsenal's white away kit, 2007/08 season, or how to look more like Spurs in one easy step

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Most Arsenal fans are not happy with Nike's away kit for the 2007/08 season (and can't manufacturers at least wait until this season is over?). As far as I'm aware, it's only a third kit anyway (like Spurs' yummy chocolate and gold kit, which I hated at first but now love) and so they'll wear it only two or three times in the season. Yes, shirt manufacturers take the piss these days but as far as I'm concerned it's a perfectly decent kit, which uses classic Arsenal colours (apart from the goldy/green trim).

David Beckham answering the door

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We told you about the Beckhams new mansion in Los Angeles yesterday, complete with nine bathrooms etc. Well this old 2DTV clip is as relevant now as it always was. The place names might have changed but the problems remain the same!

Eric Cantona advertises a casino

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HRH King Eric of Mancunia has popped up in the commercial for French casino chain Partouche.

The Daily Snapshot

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Daniel Agger (partially hidden) is mobbed by team-mates (l to r: Steven Gerrard, Bolo Zenden, Jon Arne Riise, Dirk Kuyt and Peter Crouch) after scoring the opening goal for Liverpool against Chelsea in last night's Champions League semi final second leg at Anfield. Liverpool went on to win the game on penalties. [Photo: Clive Brunskill/Getty Images]

Champions League review: Liverpool 1-0 Chelsea (Liverpool win 4-1 on penalties)

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Dear Uefa, please can you fix it for me so that Liverpool and Chelsea never play each other in Europe ever again? I don't really want to endure any more ultra-cautious, ultra-defensive, ultra-professional football. It's no fun. Where was the inspiration last night, the magic touch of a Kaka or Ronaldo? Man Utd are surely the only English team in Europe who really deserve to win the Champions League this season, purely because they attempt to play flowing, instinctive football; Chelsea and Liverpool rely on perspiration more than inspiration.

Alex Ferguson targeted in hoax anthrax attack

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According to the Daily Mail, Man U's boss was recently the intended victim of a hoax anthrax attack. A letter addressed to Fergie arrived in the post at United's Carrington training ground yesterday morning. As the manager's personal assistant opened the letter a cloud of white powder burst out of the envelope. Inside the envelope staff discovered a note which read: 'Why did you open this letter you silly b*****d?

WAG of the week: Victoria Beckham

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Name Victoria 'Posh' Beckham Nationality British WAG of… you have to ask? Okay, David Beckham, the most recognisable footballer on the planet. Fame ranking 10/10 Victoria is the undisputed Queen of the WAGs and she loves it. Will turn up to the opening of an envelope if it means she gets the chance to show off her latest designer outfit.

THE VOTE Would you sack Jose Mourinho?

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One billion dollars, or whatever Jose has had to spend, and he still can't win the bloody Champions League. And Chelsea surely won't retain their Premiership title this season. Do you think Roman Abramovich will want to turn up in his bloody great yacht for this month's F1 Monaco Grand Prix now that he's the owner of club that can only win silly little domestic cups?

Champions League preview: AC Milan v Man Utd

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MILAN TEAM NEWS No Paolo Maldini for Milan tonight (not such a big loss), but Gennaro Gattuso has recovered from his foot injury and will start. Gattuso's destructive qualities in midfield are key to Milan's chances - they struggled without him in the second half at Old Trafford. MAN U TEAM NEWS Both Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand could start, with the defensive pair having recovered well from collarbone and groin injuries.

The Tuesday 10: Horror Hooters

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This week Pies salutes some of football's finest schnozzles. 1 Steve Ogrizovic Steve Ogrizovic boasts a head that has been kicked so many times it looks like it tried to make the grade as a ball before converting to be a goalkeeper. Oggy's nose(s) have brave/daft keeper written all over it/them. The nose is so wonky that it looks like three very thin noses stuck together.

Fergie vs Mourinho, round 6,779: Cristiano Ronaldo has principles and Jose Mourinho is middle-class

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I can hardly bring myself to type up the news of yet another round of Jose Mourinho vs Alex Ferguson, but this one is too good not to post. Fergie has rounded on Jose after the Chelsea boss took another pop at Cristiano Ronaldo. Mourinho/Arrogantio accused Ronaldo of being uneducated because he came from working-class family in Madeira, Portugal.

BREAKING NEWS Joey Barton suspended by Man City for hitting team-mate Ousmane Dabo in training

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According to the BBC, Man City's chief arse Joey Barton has been suspended for the rest of the season for striking team-mate Ousmane Dabo during a training session. Dabo, a French midfielder signed from Lazio in 2006, reportedly had to go to hospital with mouth injuries. Barton's agent, Willie McKay, told BBC Sport: 'As far as I've heard, he [Barton] was defending himself.

Classic Moments: Phil Babb's crown jewels collide with the goal post, Liverpool v Chelsea

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Phew, all this Liverpool v Chelsea build-up is getting a bit serious for our liking, so here's a light-hearted moment from a Liverpool v Chelsea match, from the days before anyone had heard of Roman Abramovich. Ouch, that's gonna sting. It makes my eyes water just watching it…

Mike Riley sends off Reading mascot

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In my review of Reading v Newcastle, I totally forgot to mention the best incident of the evening, namely the moment when ref Mike Riley sent off Reading mascot Kingsley in the first half (a massive cuddly lion who wears a Reading home kit). Apparently, Riley was confused by the presence of Kingsley. Steve Coppell joked: 'I can see where the referee was getting confused, you know he does look like so many of my players.

Sexy World Cup 2006, part seven: USA

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The soccer-lovin' ladeez across the pond sure like their stars 'n' stripes bikinis. That's a good thing. Previous Sexy World Cups: Brazil, Sweden, Argentina, England, Italy, Germany

Another Jose Arrogantio clip from Ruddy Hell! It's Harry and Paul

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'Referee is act like a tit…' Arrogantio is just about the only funny thing on Ruddy Hell! and worth watching for Jose's cheeky pout at the end. More Jose Arrogantio here.

Pies vs Lawro, The Result

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So how did you fare with your crystal ball? Ours is clearly f**ked… SATURDAY Chelsea v Bolton Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-0 Actual: 2-2 Everton v Man Utd Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 0-1 Actual: 2-4 Blackburn v Charlton Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-0 Actual: 4-1 Man City v Aston Villa Lawro: 1-2 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 0-2 Middlesbrough v Tottenham Lawro: 0-2 Pies: 1-2 Actual: 2-3 Portsmouth v Liverpool Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 0-0 Actual: 2-1 Sheffield Utd v Watford Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 1-0 Wigan v West Ham Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 1-2 Actual: 0-3 Arsenal v Fulham Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 2-1 Actual: 3-1 Reading v Newcastle Lawro: 2-0 Pies: 1-1 Actual: 1-0 THE RESULT: Six points for Lawro for six correct results.

LA Galaxy win a game! MLS week four: video of all the goals

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As usual, our pals at Climbing the Ladder have put together a handy video of all the goals from the latest round in MLS. Noobs Toronto FC have yet to score a goal, whilst Chicago Fire and Red Bull New York are setting the pace in the East. In the Western Conference, the big news was LA Galaxy's first win of the season, a 3-1 win against CD Chivas.

Premiership review: Reading 1-0 Newcastle Utd

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Newcastle were truly dire last night and should have lost by at least two goals - they are stuck on 42 points and in danger of registering their lowest ever tally in the Premiership. On the bright side, little Michael Owen returned from injury, the first time Glenn Roeder has been able to pick him. Full credit to Stevie Coppell's Reading though.

The Daily Snapshot

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Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho and a member of his staff take time out during training prior to tonight's Champions League semi final second leg match against Liverpool at Anfield. [Photo: Clive Brunskill/Getty Images]

Beckhams find suitable £11 million LA mansion

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The Beckhams have ended their mansion-hunting by purchasing a property in Los Angeles. The couple bought the six bedroom house in the legendarily upmarket Beverly Hills area. The Italian-style villa reportedly cost £11 million, which begs the question: what will Becks spend next week's wages on? The house - dubbed Beckingham Palace West - also boasts nine bathrooms.

Classic Moment: Roy Wegerle 'does a Maradona' while Lionel Messi was still in short trousers, 1990

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FourFourTwo has been pondering the similarities between Lionel Messi's recent wonder goal and the one scored by his idol... Roy Wegerle! Weggers - which I have no idea whether he was nicknamed, but he is now - scored this cracker against Leeds for QPR in 1990.

Jose Mourinho is ungenerous

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The Special One has been called many things since he took over as Chelsea manager, but here is RTE Sport presenter Bill O'Herlihy cutting a little too close to the bone as he brands Mourinho... [drum roll please]... ungenerous!