Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2007

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Six geezers playing

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On the sixth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you six geezers playing... [Harry Redknapp, Terry Venables, Joe Cole, Paul Merson, John Terry and Vinnie Jones]

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Five old wings

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On the fifth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you five old wings... [Garrincha, Stanley Matthews, Tom Finney, George Best and Jimmy Johnstone]...

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Four 'balling birds

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On the fourth day of Christmas, Pies sends to you four 'balling birds...

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Three French hens

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On the third day of Christmas Pies sends to you three French hens...

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Two Wagner Loves

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On the second day of Christmas Pies gives to you two Wagner Loves...

Pies' 12 Days of Christmas: Richie Partridge in a pear tree

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On the first day of Christmas Pies give to you Richie Partridge in a pear tree.

Happy Christmas from Pies - and thanks for being you

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As you may have noticed from the lack of posts in the last couple of days, Pies is on its Christmas break. We'll be back in full force, a couple of pounds heavier no doubt, from January 2nd 2008 (my...

French Football Friday: Lyon's mini-blip continues with 0-0 draw

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Champions Lyon followed last week's defeat at Caen with a disappointing 0-0 draw at home to Nice. They maintained their four-point lead at the top of Ligue 1 though as second-placed Nancy also drew 0-0 at Strasbourg.

OPINION Lawrie Sanchez is sacked by Fulham & Al-Fayed: he had to go

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Fulham have gone backwards under Lawrie Sanchez and the club was absolutely right to sack him today. The Cottagers have won just two league games all season and played pretty shit football along the way. They should never have sacked Chris Coleman in the first place, but hey, that bus left a long time ago.

The Christmas XI

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Pies compiles 11 players with festive names.

French Football Friday: Lyon's mini-blip continues with 0-0 draw against

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Champions Lyon followed last week's defeat at Caen with a disappointing 0-0 draw at home to Nice. They maintained their four-point lead at the top of Ligue 1 though as second-placed Nancy also drew 0-0 at Strasbourg.

Pies' Football Xmas Shopping List, No.9: 1966 World Cup canvas from FootyArt

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Brighten up your walls with this canvas print of a 1966 World Cup poster. The canvas features the legendary World Cup Willie and is advertising the tournament being held in England from July 11 to 30.

The Festive Fiendish Friday Quiz

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Welcome to the Pies' Festive Fiendish Friday Quiz. It's a bumper edition, with more fiendishly difficult questions than ever to keep you occupied as you count down the hours before you get to leave work for the Christmas break... 1...

Sampdoria's Antonio Cassano throws a toddler tantrum after picking up a booking

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See if you can tell from this video whether Sampdoria's sulky striker Antonio Cassono was: a) not really bothered that getting booked meant he would be suspended for the match against former club Roma b) distraught at the thought of his impending suspension and felt the need to bawl and stomp his feet like a toddler.

Horror Hair: The FC Dallas squad's Juan Carlos Toja wigs

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Back in July we alerted you to the Latin American mullet of FC Dallas's Juan Carlos Toja. The Colombian's hair - his tribute to Doors singer Jim Morrison - is so popular with his team-mates that they all want to copy him. That is why the players made sure they had a Toja wig on hand while recording their player introductions for ESPN2!

Gazzetta all di Pies: Inter Milan's domination of Serie A continues

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Table-topping Inter Milan extended their lead in Serie A to seven points with a 0-2 win at Cagliari. Julio Cruz and David Suazo were on target for Inter. Second-placed Roma only managed a 0-0 draw against Torino.

Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool, League Cup quarter final: video highlights

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Peter Crouch's sending-off was the turning point. The decision was correct: it's clear from the clip that Crouch suddenly saw red and had no intention of going for the ball. He wanted to clatter Mikel - wouldn't you? -Â and...

Snapshot Classic: Matt Le Tissier takes on Man Utd in their grey kit, 1996

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April 1996 Matt Le Tissier shoots at goal as Ryan Giggs and David Beckham look on during the FA Premiership match between Southampton and Manchester United held on April 13, 1996 at The Dell. Southampton won the match 3-1,...

The Snapshot: Bayern Munich striker Luca Toni wears fur

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Luca Toni risked incurring the wrath of animal rights protestors by brazenly wearing fur before Bayern Munich's Uefa Cup win over Aris Salonika last night.

One to watch: Jack Rodwell, Everton

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Everton have named 16-year-old defender Jack Rodwell in their squad to face AZ Alkmaar in the Uefa Cup tonight. The former England under 16s skipper, who can also play in midfield, is tipped to become the next Rio Ferdinand (a backhanded compliment you might say). The youngster is said to be strong, quick and have excellent composure on the ball.

Create your own Fabio Capello headline

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At least the red top tabloids will be pleased at the appointment of England's new manager, there's just something about Don Fabio's name that lends itself to forming snappy Sun headlines from 'Ab Fab Capello' if we're winning to 'Fabio Crapello' if we're not.

Classic Moments: Sheffield Wednesday 4-0 Sheffield Utd - the Boxing Day massacre, 1979

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A fascinating little video that reminds us how much professional football has changed in the last 28 years. Hooliganism was a real problem in the late 70s, and few English derbies scared the police more than the Owls vs...

Oranje Wednesday: Ajax-PSV Eindhoven match postponed on police advice

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Ajax and PSV stayed first and second respectively despite their match being called off on the advice of the police. The match clashed with a police strike on Saturday and was called off because the safety of supporters could not be guaranteed.

VOTE Is crowd abuse at football matches justified?

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Sol Campbell, still a Judas to many Spurs fans after he left them for Arsenal (Gooners didn't seem to mind so much when he left them for Portsmouth), called a Radio 4 phone-in to complain about the level of abuse...

Johnny Evans of Man Utd bailed on rape charge after United's Christmas party

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First, what we know about this incident, and I'll leave the 'facts' up to the BBC, because I think they can afford any legal bills more than Pies:

Snapshot Classic: Zico and Claudio Gentile at the 1982 World Cup (Brazil 2-3 Italy)

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Zico of Brazil and Claudio Gentile of Italy get to know each other better during the World Cup '82 second round match at the Sarria Stadium in Barcelona, Spain. Gentile was the most fearsome defenders of his era (and...

Club Pies post of the day: David Beckham teaches Snoop Dogg new tricks

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Our friends at ManUnitedPies have found this video of Becks giving Snoop's kids a lesson in the art of bending a ball before joining the rap star for a meal - it's got to beat sharing a chip buttie with Gary Neville.

3 conclusions: Man City 0-2 Tottenham, Carling Cup

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Sven's Citeh side still haven't lost against 11 men at home this season - but after last night's Carling Cup quarter-final they have lost to ten, although the game wasn't without controversy.

3 conclusions: Blackburn 2-3 Arsenal, Carling Cup

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On paper, Blackburn's first team were favourites to beat a collection of players from Arsenal's crèche - but Wenger's ten boys eventually beat eleven men in a thrilling game.

Is the the gay-est goal celebration of all time?

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Footballers do have the potential to be extremely homoerotic. Baddiel and Skinner used to present a regular feature on the theme. Even so, this is possibly the most gay goal celebration of all time.

Santa Claus tries his hand at freestyle football

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OK it's not really Saint Nick, but top freestyle footballers Dan Magness, Billy Fincham, Mr Woo and Gerbeshi but it should get you in the footballing festive spirit.

Glenn Hoddle urges Fabio Capello not to learn English

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Former England manager Glenn Hoddle has passed on some words of wisdom from his two-and-a-half years in the job to new man Fabio Capello. Hoddle - sacked after claiming that disabled people were being punished for sins committed in previous lives - reckons Fab Cap should avoid learning to speak English for as long as possible.

3 conclusions: Man City 0 2 Tottenham, Carling Cup

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Sven's Citeh side still haven't lost against 11 men at home this season - but after last night's Carling Cup quarter-final they have lost to ten, although the game wasn't without controversy.

Vote: Who's was the worse tackle in the Carling Cup quarter-finals?

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Last night's Carling Cup games shared a few similarities - both the winners, Arsenal and Spurs made impressive starts playing fluid football before being forced to rely on dogged determination to complete their wins. And, both games were marred by a series of studs up challenges that led to a couple of straight reds.

Teutonic Tuesday: Werder Bremen draw level on points with goal shy Bayern Munich

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A second 0-0 draw in succession means Bayern Munich are clinging to the top of the Bundesliga table. Werder Bremen moved level on points with Bayern following their 5-2 victory over Bayer Leverkusen. Brazilian starlet Diego was on target for the second goal before picking a fight with a giant bottle of water (pictured).

Vote: Who should be Fabio Capello's England captain?

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England's new manager, Ab Fab Capello, still hasn't committed himself to name who he will select as the team's captain but promised all would be revealed when he starts in January. Click through to vote from a list of leading candidates.

Stunning free-kick from Alvaro Negredo for Almeria against Valladolid

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Thanks to 101Greatgoals for pointing us in the direction of this outstanding free-kick scored by Alvaro Negredo in Almeria's win over Valladolid last week. It is the kind of set-piece routine that never quite looks as simple when you try it with your mates!

The Big Four first XI

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As Sky's Grand Slam Sunday hyperbole exposed there are only really four teams in the Premier League that stand any chance of winning the title - and after Man United beat Liverpool and Arsenal beat Chelsea, it could be down to two.

Shit lookalike: Hedwiges Maduro and Harvey Price

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Harvey Price's football connections were never in doubt what with his dad being Dwight Yorke and his mum carrying a couple of footballs round in her bra. As if that wasn't enough, he also bears a passing resemblence to Hedwiges Maduro, the Ajax midfielder who (as far as we know) is not the son of Dwight Yorke.

The Snapshot: Boca Juniors 1-0 Etoile du Sahel, FIFA Club World Cup semi final

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Jonatan Maidana of Boca Juniors and Mahdi Ben Dhifallah of Etoile Sportive du Sahel compete for the ball during the FIFA Club World Cup semi final match between Boca Juniors and Etoile Sportive du Sahel at the National Stadium...

Champions League review: Arsenal 2-1 Steaua Bucharest - Robin van Persie and Mad Jens Lehmann back for the Gunners

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Arsene let a few of his kids loose at the Emirates last night, and they were just about good enough to defeat a mediocre Bucharest outfit. Theo Walcott missed a few good chances, but Niklas Bendtner scored and seems to be progressing nicely, although I'm not sure he'll ever be a world beater.

Don't throw water at Fabio Capello - even when he's celebrating...

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Fabio Capello, England's new boss if you believe BBC Sport, is not best pleased when Marcelo empties the contents of a drinks bottle over his head. England players, beware. Via Guardian Sport Blog...

The world's worst football dive?

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Filmed by some English lads in Chicago. Shameful, blatant, hilarious....

Club Pies post of the day: New White Hart Lane parking regulations are a FARCE! says Spurs Pies

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From our friends at Spurs Pies, I bring you this impressive rant, posted today. Essential reading for all Tottenham fans: 'I'm angry today, because for the second time on Spurs Official, the club has posted a story telling us that from January 19 - our home match against Sunderland - a Controlled Parking Zone is coming into effect, which in short will prevent supporters from leaving their cars in around 100 streets near the stadium.

Caption this: Can you come up with a name for Wayne Rooney's new aftershave range?

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From Keegan splashing on the Brut in a shower shared with Henry Cooper to Beckham's his and hers range of metrosexual scents, footballers have always been used to sell aftershave - but the latest player to 'go down the toiletries' isn't someone you'd normally associate with personal grooming.

The Snapshot: AC Milan 1-0 Urawa Red Diamonds, FIFA Club World Cup semi final

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So, having played just one match each to get to the final, AC Milan will play Boca Juniors in the showpiece of FIFA's wholly pointless Club World Cup. In front of a lively, 67,000 crowd in Yokohama, Japan, Milan...

Five reasons why Fabio Capello should be the new England manager

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If, as expected, Fabio Capello is installed as England's new manager in the next few days it seems he will have the backing of most football supporters - 76% of you voted for him in our poll yesterday. We think that he could be the man to take England forward and here are five reasons why:

XI things on Fabio Capello's to-do list

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1 Open a very high interest bank account for his £4 million a year salary. 2 Pick a good nickname for himself before the tabloids pick one for him. 3 Impose his expected WAG-ban on England meet-ups.

Take our reader survey and you could WIN an Apple iPod Touch 16GB!

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Please take a couple of minutes out of your day to fill in our lovely reader survey. if you do, you are in with a shout of winning a shiny new Apple iPod Touch 16GB, courtesy of our fwiends at...

Help save the career (and the life) of Watford's Al Bangura, who faces deportation back to Sierra Leone

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Watford midfielder Al Bangura faces deportation back to his native Sierra Leone after losing his case to stay in the UK at an Asylum and Immigration Tribunal hearing earlier this week. Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd said: 'We have one young...

Gazzetta all di Pies: Inter Milan's dominance continues, Marcelo Zalayeta scores a beauty

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Inter Milan are now five points clear at the top of Serie A after thrashing Torino 4-0. Nearest rivals Roma could only manage a 1-1 draw at Liverno allowing third-place Juventus to move within three points of them following the Old Lady's 1-0 win over Atalanta.

French Football Friday: Lyon lose and PSG win. This isn't supposed to happen

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All is not well with the universe. Supposed runaway champions Lyon suffered a surprise defeat to Caen. Yoan Gouffran's goal secured victory for the mid-table outfit. Second-placed Nancy managed to close the gap on Lyon to four points, but their 0-0 draw with Valenciennes meant they were not able to fully capitalise on the leaders' defeat.

Sky Sports News presenter Ian Payne is proper bo!

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Soccer AM spotted Sky Sports News' Ian Payne craftily taking off Bo' Selecta live on air. Announcing that Oldham Athletic's Craig Davies had found the net proved too tempting an opportunity for Payne to miss.

Champions League group stage all-star XI

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Pies presents the pick of the players from the Champions League group stage who have really caught our eye. That might be because they are world-class players performing at the top of their game or it might be because they made an impression against the odds.

Forgotten wonder goals: Darren Huckerby takes on most of Birmingham City

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Hucks truly is the master of the understatement: 'I just ran with it, beat a few people and put it in the goal...'...

Chelsea's Christmas party review: Guess what Andriy Shevchenko's fancy-dress costume is...

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Chelsea had their Christmas party last night, and as is often the way, it was a fancy-dress affair. John Terry went dressed in an Incredibles superhero outfit, Frank Lampard was kitted out like a 19th century French dandy and Claudio Pizarro looked rather convincing as a Roman Emperor (see pics from the party at the Daily Mail's website).

Stewart Downing doesn't know how good he is. Really?

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This just in from F365: 'Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate has claimed England winger Stewart Downing does not realise how good a player he can be.' No, but all self-respecting football fans know exactly how good he can be: not very good at all.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 SC Braga, Benfica, Chelsea, Lyon, Juventus (current). Whose career? 2 Blackburn's Christopher Samba plays for which international team? 3 Which is the smallest stadium (in terms of capacity) in the Premier League? 4 Georgi Kinkladze, John Harkes, Fabrizio Ravanelli, Archie Gemmill, Peter Shilton: what links them?

A goalscoring tutorial

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Something for you to put into action over the weekend...

Snapshot Classic: Fabio Capello and Marcel Desailly celebrate winning the 1994 Champions League final

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Fabio Capello and Marcel Desailly celebrate after AC Milan's stunning 4-0 victory against Barcelona in the 1994 Champions League final. Photo Bongarts/Getty Images...

The Daily Pies: 14/12/07

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The best posts from our club Pies sites today... Should Spurs fans still hate Sol Campbell? Play the Fantasy Fergie Challenge Liverpool's spy in Manchester checks out the opposition What sort of welcome should Ashley Cole expect at Arsenal? Would...

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 15-16 Dec

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HEROES Roque Santa Cruz The Paraguayan gets the pity vote. It is not too often you are a hat-trick hero and end up on the losing team.

Shit Lookalikes: Mikael Forssell and Kimi Raikkonen

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Two Finnish blondes with spiky hair and -Â as is the way with any sportsmen from Iceland - ice in their veins. Shit huh....

Pies' Football Xmas Shopping List, No.8: England Italia 90 shirt

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If you are going to cry this Christmas why not shed tears Gazza-style in this Italia 90 retro England shirt. Relive the days when the England national team could not only qualify for major tournaments, but reach the semi-finals of World Cups.

The Snapshot: AC Milan beat Boca Juniors 4-2 to win FIFA Club World Cup in Japan (with video highlights)

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I would have predicted that this match would end 0-0. How wrong I was. The two best club sides in the world (hmmm) scored six goals between them in a very open and entertaining game. Pippo Inzaghi, who else,...

David Beckham appears on the final Parkinson

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Here is David Beckham's interview on Michael Parkinson's farewell chat show. Not featured is Becks wearing a party hat provided by comedian Peter Kay.

A brief tribute to Paolo Maldini, who has announced his retirement from football

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AC Milan's indestructible captain Paolo Maldini, announced after the final of the Club World Cup (see post directly below), that he will quit at the end of the season. 'It's hard for someone to reach the age of 39 and...

Forgotten wonder goals: Roy Wegerle's demon dribble for QPR against Leeds United

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What a dribble! One of those flukey runs that may happen just once in any player's career. I don't remember Roy doing anything half as good as this, before or after....

3 conclusions: Arsenal 1-0 Chelsea, Premier League

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Not a classic encounter by any means; however, it was fascinating stuff between two teams who clearly hate each other. Here are three things I learned from the match: No.1 Making William Gallas captain was one of Arsene Wenger's...

3 conclusions: Liverpool 0-1 Man Utd, Premier League

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Like the Arsenal vs Chelsea clash, this was not a classic encounter. It was also a surprisingly low-key affair with relatively few talking points. Here are three things I learned from the match: No.1 Playing in black worked wonders for Liverpool at Marseille, and it also worked for Man Utd at Liverpool on Sunday.

William Gallas vs Ashley Cole: who got the better deal, Arsenal or Chelsea?

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Of course, now it's purely a rhetorical question. At the time when Cashley and Gallas swapped clubs, in August 2006, it was a legitimate question, although I always thought that the Frenchman was more talented and obviously more versatile than the Englishman.

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid beat Osasuna 2-0, maintain home record and stay top

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Table-topping Real Madrid kept up their 100 per cent home record with a 2-0 win over Osasuna. Ruud van Nistelrooy and Wesley Sneijder found the net for the champions. Barcelona kept themselves within four points of Real with a 0-3 over Valencia.

The Snapshot: Watford fans protest on behalf of Al Bangura

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Watford fans show their support for midfielder Al Bangura at half-time during the Championship match between Watford and Plymouth Argyle at Vicarage Road on December 15, 2007. As we reported last week, poor Bangura faces deportation back to his...

Caption this: Wayne Rooney and Kolo Toure discuss whether the Premier League is a two horse race

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With Man United and Arsenal retaining their top two standings in the so-called big four, has the Premier League become a two horse race...again?

Head to head: Chelsea and Arsenal - who was to blame for yesterday's bad behaviour?

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Yesterday's game between the two Premier League challengers was marred by some nasty scenes. First, John Terry's cowardly tackle from behind on Cesc Fabregas wasn't exactly role model behaviour from of an England captain while Fabregas didn't enhance his reputation by trying to get Cashley Cole sent off in the dying moments.

Caption this: Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka together at FIFA World Player of the Year awards. But what are they listening to?

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Look at this pair of world-class cuties, plugged into God-knows-what at the FIFA World Player of the Year award ceremony, held in Zurich yesterday. That Kaka, he's been a busy boy recently, what with helping Milan to win the...

Cristiano Ronaldo is now diving even when he hasn't got the ball

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Photographic evidence that Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo is taking cheating to a whole new level. The Portuguese has taken to diving in an attempt to con the referee into giving him free-kicks even when the opposition have possession of the ball!

Garth Crooks, Les Ferdinand and Gavin Peacock talk about Christmas for footballers. Bah, humbug!

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It is one week until Christmas Day and it is about time we spared a thought for this less fortunate than ourselves, such as Premier League footballers. Football Focus pundits Garth Crooks, Les Ferdinand and Gavin Peacock recount sob stories of eating pasta with Christmas turkey, travelling to away games on Christmas Day and trying to accumulate enough bookings to be suspended for the Boxing Day match.

Caption this: Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka together at FIFA World Player of the Year awards. But what are they listening to?

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Look at this pair of world-class cuties, plugged into God-knows-what at the FIFA World Player of the Year award ceremony, held in Zurich yesterday. That Kaka, he's been a busy boy recently, what with helping Milan to win the Club World Cup and winning just about every other award going. Captions on a postcard please.

Caption this: Wayne Rooney and Kolo Toure discuss whether the Premier League is a two horse race

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With Man United and Arsenal retaining their top two standings in the so-called big four, has the Premier League become a two horse race...again? From this picture, it doesn't look like either Rooney or Toure know what to make of it – tell us how you think Man Yoo and the Gooners are discussing the title race after this weekend.

Head to head: Chelsea and Arsenal – who was to blame for yesterday's bad behaviour?

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Yesterday's game between the two Premier League challengers was marred by some nasty scenes. First, John Terry's cowardly tackle from behind on Cesc Fabregas wasn't exactly role model behaviour from of an England captain while Fabregas didn't enhance his reputation by trying to get Cashley Cole sent off in the dying moments.

3 conclusions: Liverpool 0-1 Man Utd, Premier League

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Like the Arsenal vs Chelsea clash, this was not a classic encounter. It was also a surprisingly low-key affair with relatively few talking points. Here are three things I learned from the match: No.1 Playing in black worked wonders for Liverpool at Marseille, and it also worked for Man Utd at Liverpool on Sunday.

William Gallas vs Ashley Cole: who got the better deal, Arsenal or Chelsea?

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Of course, now it's purely a rhetorical question. At the time when Cashley and Gallas swapped clubs, in August 2006, it was a legitimate question, although I always thought that the Frenchman was more talented and obviously more versatile than the Englishman. There can be only one answer today: Arsenal got much the better half of the deal.

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid beat Osasuna 2-0, maintain home record and stay top

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Table-topping Real Madrid kept up their 100 per cent home record with a 2-0 win over Osasuna. Ruud van Nistelrooy and Wesley Sneijder found the net for the champions. Barcelona kept themselves within four points of Real with a 0-3 over Valencia. Villarreal managed to stop the rot with a 1-3 victory at Getafe.

The Snapshot: Watford fans protest on behalf of Al Bangura

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Watford fans show their support for midfielder Al Bangura at half-time during the Championship match between Watford and Plymouth Argyle at Vicarage Road on December 15, 2007. As we reported last week, poor Bangura faces deportation back to his home country of Sierra Leone, a move that will endanger the 19-year-old's life and put an end to his promising football career.

The Snapshot: AC Milan beat Boca Juniors 4-2 to win FIFA Club World Cup in Japan (with video highlights)

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I would have predicted that this match would end 0-0. How wrong I was. The two best club sides in the world (hmmm) scored six goals between them in a very open and entertaining game. Pippo Inzaghi, who else, scored twice for Milan in front of a crowd of 68,263 in Yokohama, Japan, while man-of-the- match Kaka, who else, and defender Alessandro Nesta got the Italian club's other goals.

David Beckham appears on the final Parkinson

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Here is David Beckham's interview on Michael Parkinson's farewell chat show. Not featured is Becks wearing a party hat provided by comedian Peter Kay. Part two after the jump...

A brief tribute to Paolo Maldini, who has announced his retirement from football

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AC Milan's indestructible captain Paolo Maldini, announced after the final of the Club World Cup (see post directly below), that he will quit at the end of the season. 'It's hard for someone to reach the age of 39 and still compete at the top level,' he said. 'In June [2008], I will retire with no regrets.

Forgotten wonder goals: Roy Wegerle's demon dribble for QPR against Leeds United

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What a dribble! One of those flukey runs that may happen just once in any player's career. I don't remember Roy doing anything half as good as this, before or after.

3 conclusions: Arsenal 1-0 Chelsea, Premier League

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Not a classic encounter by any means; however, it was fascinating stuff between two teams who clearly hate each other. Here are three things I learned from the match: No.1 Making William Gallas captain was one of Arsene Wenger's unlikeliest masterstrokes. Gallas strikes me as vain, petulant and arrogant - but give him a bit of responsibility and he harnesses those traits to positive effect.

Shit Lookalikes: Mikael Forssell and Kimi Raikkonen

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Two Finnish blondes with spiky hair and – as is the way with any sportsmen from Iceland – ice in their veins. Shit huh.

Pies' Football Xmas Shopping List, No.8: England Italia 90 shirt

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If you are going to cry this Christmas why not shed tears Gazza-style in this Italia 90 retro England shirt. Relive the days when the England national team could not only qualify for major tournaments, but reach the semi-finals of World Cups. Long for a time when the squad was not about egos and book deals, but the likes of Tony Dorigo, Neil Webb and Steve Hodge could count themselves among the best players in the country.

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 15-16 Dec

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HEROES Roque Santa Cruz The Paraguayan gets the pity vote. It is not too often you are a hat-trick hero and end up on the losing team. Sanli Tuncay Another vital goal from the Turkish international for Middlesbrough gave them victory in their must-win game against Derby.

A goalscoring tutorial

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Something for you to put into action over the weekend...

Snapshot Classic: Fabio Capello and Marcel Desailly celebrate winning the 1994 Champions League final

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Fabio Capello and Marcel Desailly celebrate after AC Milan's stunning 4-0 victory against Barcelona in the 1994 Champions League final. Photo Bongarts/Getty Images

The Daily Pies: 14/12/07

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The best posts from our club Pies sites today... Should Spurs fans still hate Sol Campbell? Play the Fantasy Fergie Challenge Liverpool's spy in Manchester checks out the opposition What sort of welcome should Ashley Cole expect at Arsenal? Would Andriy Shevchenko dress up as a whoopee cushion?

Stewart Downing doesn't know how good he is. Really?

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This just in from F365: 'Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate has claimed England winger Stewart Downing does not realise how good a player he can be.' No, but all self-respecting football fans know exactly how good he can be: not very good at all. Downing will never be world-class – he doesn't have the mental strength, nor the requisite football brain.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 SC Braga, Benfica, Chelsea, Lyon, Juventus (current). Whose career? 2 Blackburn's Christopher Samba plays for which international team? 3 Which is the smallest stadium (in terms of capacity) in the Premier League? 4 Georgi Kinkladze, John Harkes, Fabrizio Ravanelli, Archie Gemmill, Peter Shilton: what links them?

French Football Friday: Lyon lose and PSG win. This isn't supposed to happen

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All is not well with the universe. Supposed runaway champions Lyon suffered a surprise defeat to Caen. Yoan Gouffran's goal secured victory for the mid-table outfit. Second-placed Nancy managed to close the gap on Lyon to four points, but their 0-0 draw with Valenciennes meant they were not able to fully capitalise on the leaders' defeat.

Sky Sports News presenter Ian Payne is proper bo!

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Soccer AM spotted Sky Sports News' Ian Payne craftily taking off Bo' Selecta live on air. Announcing that Oldham Athletic's Craig Davies had found the net proved too tempting an opportunity for Payne to miss.

Champions League group stage all-star XI

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Pies presents the pick of the players from the Champions League group stage who have really caught our eye. That might be because they are world-class players performing at the top of their game or it might be because they made an impression against the odds. Petr Cech Chelsea (and Cech) conceded only two goals during the group stage - fewer than any other team.

Forgotten wonder goals: Darren Huckerby takes on most of Birmingham City

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Hucks truly is the master of the understatement: 'I just ran with it, beat a few people and put it in the goal...'

Chelsea's Christmas party review: Guess what Andriy Shevchenko's fancy-dress costume is…

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Chelsea had their Christmas party last night, and as is often the way, it was a fancy-dress affair. John Terry went dressed in an Incredibles superhero outfit, Frank Lampard was kitted out like a 19th century French dandy and Claudio Pizarro looked rather convincing as a Roman Emperor (see pics from the party at the Daily Mail's website).

Gazzetta all di Pies: Inter Milan's dominance continues, Marcelo Zalayeta scores a beauty

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Inter Milan are now five points clear at the top of Serie A after thrashing Torino 4-0. Nearest rivals Roma could only manage a 1-1 draw at Liverno allowing third-place Juventus to move within three points of them following the Old Lady's 1-0 win over Atalanta. The real stars of the show this week were Napoli.

Five reasons why Fabio Capello should be the new England manager

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If, as expected, Fabio Capello is installed as England's new manager in the next few days it seems he will have the backing of most football supporters – 76% of you voted for him in our poll yesterday. We think that he could be the man to take England forward and here are five reasons why: 1.

Take our reader survey and you could WIN an Apple iPod Touch 16GB!

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Please take a couple of minutes out of your day to fill in our lovely reader survey. if you do, you are in with a shout of winning a shiny new Apple iPod Touch 16GB, courtesy of our fwiends at Play.com. It's worth £250 but you could net one for nothing. Hmm, I might resign as Pies editor just to be in with a shout.

Help save the career (and the life) of Watford's Al Bangura, who faces deportation back to Sierra Leone

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Watford midfielder Al Bangura faces deportation back to his native Sierra Leone after losing his case to stay in the UK at an Asylum and Immigration Tribunal hearing earlier this week. Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd said: 'We have one young man here [he's 19] who pays his taxes, has a fiancée and a newborn son and somebody, somewhere, thinks it's a good decision to send him back to Sierra Leone.

Club Pies post of the day: New White Hart Lane parking regulations are a FARCE! says Spurs Pies

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From our friends at Spurs Pies, I bring you this impressive rant, posted today. Essential reading for all Tottenham fans: 'I'm angry today, because for the second time on Spurs Official, the club has posted a story telling us that from January 19 - our home match against Sunderland - a Controlled Parking Zone is coming into effect, which in short will prevent supporters from leaving their cars in around 100 streets near the stadium.

Caption this: Can you come up with a name for Wayne Rooney’s new aftershave range?

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From Keegan splashing on the Brut in a shower shared with Henry Cooper to Beckham's his and hers range of metrosexual scents, footballers have always been used to sell aftershave – but the latest player to ‘go down the toiletries' isn't someone you'd normally associate with personal grooming.

The Snapshot: AC Milan 1-0 Urawa Red Diamonds, FIFA Club World Cup semi final

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So, having played just one match each to get to the final, AC Milan will play Boca Juniors in the showpiece of FIFA's wholly pointless Club World Cup. In front of a lively, 67,000 crowd in Yokohama, Japan, Milan edged a surprisingly tight match. A powerful run by Kaka set up Clarence Seedorf to score the only goal of the match.

XI things on Fabio Capello's to-do list

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1 Open a very high interest bank account for his £4 million a year salary. 2 Pick a good nickname for himself before the tabloids pick one for him. 3 Impose his expected WAG-ban on England meet-ups. 4 Ring his old friend David Beckham to let him know he is frozen out once again. 5 Pick a new captain to lead the team in the Capello era (preferably one with fewer injuries and less petulance).

Champions League review: Arsenal 2-1 Steaua Bucharest – Robin van Persie and Mad Jens Lehmann back for the Gunners

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Arsene let a few of his kids loose at the Emirates last night, and they were just about good enough to defeat a mediocre Bucharest outfit. Theo Walcott missed a few good chances, but Niklas Bendtner scored and seems to be progressing nicely, although I'm not sure he'll ever be a world beater.

Don't throw water at Fabio Capello – even when he's celebrating…

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Fabio Capello, England's new boss if you believe BBC Sport, is not best pleased when Marcelo empties the contents of a drinks bottle over his head. England players, beware. Via Guardian Sport Blog

The world's worst football dive?

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Filmed by some English lads in Chicago. Shameful, blatant, hilarious.

The Snapshot: Boca Juniors 1-0 Etoile du Sahel, FIFA Club World Cup semi final

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Jonatan Maidana of Boca Juniors and Mahdi Ben Dhifallah of Etoile Sportive du Sahel compete for the ball during the FIFA Club World Cup semi final match between Boca Juniors and Etoile Sportive du Sahel at the National Stadium on December 12, 2007 in Tokyo, Japan. Photo Koichi Kamoshida/Getty Images

It's going to be Fabio Capello for the England manager's job

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It is good to know that Brian Barwick's root-and-branch reform of the FA hasn't managed to remove any of the organisation's notorious leaks. Pies can say this with some confidence because this morning every man and his dog knows that at around lunchtime today that same Mr Barwick is due to pull a piece of expensive FA cloth from over the top of a Fabio Capello-shaped object in Soho Square to reveal that Fabio Capello is the new England manager.

Jean-Claude Darcheville's incredible miss for Rangers against Lyon

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Talk about a moment setting the tone for a match. Rangers lost 0-3 against Lyon last night, but at 0-1 Jean-Claude Darcheville had a chance to get Walter Smith's side back in the match. Somehow he managed to hit the bar when it seemed easier to score.

Forgotten wonder goals: Andriy Shevchenko beats Gigi Buffon from distance, AC Milan vs Juventus

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This was the world-class player Chelsea signed for all those millions. What happened?

Shit lookalike: Hedwiges Maduro and Harvey Price

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Harvey Price's football connections were never in doubt what with his dad being Dwight Yorke and his mum carrying a couple of footballs round in her bra. As if that wasn't enough, he also bears a passing resemblence to Hedwiges Maduro, the Ajax midfielder who (as far as we know) is not the son of Dwight Yorke.

Oranje Wednesday: Ajax regain Eredivisie lead

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Ajax found the perfect way to bounce back from their first league defeat of the season. A 2-3 win at Willem II, PSV Eindhoven's shock defeat at home to Roda JC and Feyenoord's 0-0 draw with VVV Venlo meant Ajax moved back to the top of the Eredivisie. Here is how Ajax regain top-spot: The three wise men spot something in the sky.

THE VOTE Is Fabio Capello the right man for England?

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It sounds very much like Brian Barwick would like to get into bed with Fabio Capello (strictly FA business, you understand). Capello has had talks with the FA today and is expected to be confirmed as the new England boss by the end of the week. We won't count our chickens just yet (because these things can change in the time it takes to say Big Phil Scolari) but do you think Capello is the right man for the job?

Who has been your club's best summer signing in 2007?

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As the year draws to an end and the Premier League gets close to half time, it's time to take a look back at the season so far – and run the rule over the new signings that were brought in during the close season. They should have all had a chance to adapt to the ‘pace of the English game', got used to the crap weather and realised they won't be spending Christmas at home this year – so no excuses.

David Wheater's creepy viral Call to Arms to Middlesbrough fans. It's full of passion!

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Apparently, David Wheater gets an extra push to tear through Ronaldo when you are behind him. There is a scary thought! This email viral has been sent to Boro fans by local boy David Wheater to inject some passion into the Riverside and, more specifically, put some bums on the empty seats in the Riverside.

Guess the score: Champions League Wednesday 12th

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Tonight is the last round of games in the Champions League group stage, which will give us the final 16 teams that go into the knock out stages. There's already some massive names there including Man united, Liverpool, Chelsea, Real Madrid, Barcelona and both Milans – but who will join them?

Horror Hair: American high school football team suspend player for sporting a dodgy mohawk

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This American youngster has been banned from playing for his high school football team for getting a mohawk haircut (and not a very good one). Apparently the soccer field is not the place for individuality. Perhaps Dr Bob Klizman should scroll through the rest of our Horror Hair section and see how bad things could have been!

Three conclusions: Marseille 0-4 Liverpool, Champions League (with video highlights)

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No.1 Playing in black suits Liverpool, it seems. Playing in peach-and-sky blue definitely does not suit Marseille. One look at the respective kits of both teams, even before the match had kicked off, told me that Liverpool would win. That and the fact they have much better players.

Three conclusions: Chelsea 0-0 Valencia, Champions League (with video highlights)

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No.1 Claudio Pizarro (pictured) is not a world-class striker. He's more a Derby County-class striker. He could have had a hat-trick but missed several good chances that team-mate Didier Drogba – who is a world-class striker – would surely have put away. Chelsea should ditch Pizarro in the Jan.

The Snapshot: Oliver Kahn looks, cold, wet and pissed

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This photo was taken during yesterday's Bayern Munich training session, ahead of the club's Uefa Cup clash with Aris Salonica. Kahn looks happy, doesn't he? He's also starting to look every one of his 38 years... and then some. Photo Getty Images

Horror hair: Djibril Cisse

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Liverpool reject, Djibril Cisse, has taken the cutting edge of fashion so far he's bleeding! We think he looks more like an extra from a Mad Max film than a footballer, whadyareckon?

Forgotten wonder goals: Jermaine Beckford's solo effort, Scunthorpe vs Rotherham

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Sublime instinctive skill from Beckford. The 24-year-old striker is very talented, but also very inconsistent. If he could repeat moments of magic like this on a more regular basis, who knows how far he could go?

Guess the score: Champions League Tuesday, 11th Dec.

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Pies says: Marseille 1-2 Liverpool I agree with Alan Hansen that Liverpool will sneak the win they need to qualify for the next stage. Chelsea 1-2 Valencia Nothing on this for Chelsea, who have already won their group and face Arsenal at the weekend, whilst Valencia are gunning for a Uefa Cup place.

David Beckham leaves not very much to the imagination in Armani underwear shoot

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Having whipped Australia and New Zealand into a frenzy during his LA Galaxy's recent tour, David Beckham has now turned his attention to housewives the world over (we might as well take this opportunity to off a friendly 'welcome to Pies' to the hundreds of bored housewives who have landed on this page directly from a Google search!

Vote: Will Liverpool still be in the Champions League tomorrow?

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Unless you're a bit slow on the uptake, you'll know that Liverpool travel to Marseille tonight needing a win – or a draw if Besiktas beat Porto – to complete yet another Champions League comeback by making it through to the knock out stages. Since gaining only a single point from their first three games, Benitez boys have needed to win their last three matches and with Porto and Besiktas beaten at home only this final game away against a team that have already beaten them stands in their way.

Snapshot Classic: the parachuting Santa Claus crashes into Villa Park, 1998

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December 1998 A parachutist in a Santa Claus costume is stretchered away after crashing into the Trinity Road Stand during his descent, breaking both his legs and falling 100 feet onto the perimeter track during halftime in the FA Carling Premiership match between Aston Villa and Arsenal at Villa Park.

Comedian does impressions of Jose Mourinho and Rafael Benitez

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Nothing new there, you might think. The interesting difference on this occasion is that it has emerged that Benitez himself has given the video a critique after [EGO ALERT] searching for himself on YouTube. He said: "It is a comedian imitating Mourinho and Benítez. They are asked about a recipe and a result and I say, 'We scored two goals, they scored one, so we won.

Steve McClaren wins Plain English Campaign's foot in mouth award

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And you thought Steve McClaren would never win any silverware! The former England coach has picked up the Plain English Campaign's annual foot in mouth award. The quote which secured Macca's victory was made during an interview on Radio 5 Live in which he baffled listeners by discussing Wayne Rooney's experience (or lack of.

David Beckham's 13 hairstyles: The Movie

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Marvel at the versatility of David's tresses. Via The Offside

David Beckham's greatest assists video

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Who would have thought that a five-minute video of one footballers' assists from crosses could be so interesting. But this highlights reel of is utterly fascinating – it's easy to forget just how deadly Beckham was for Man Utd out on the right wing. No wonder Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole, neither of whom were world-class strikers, scored so many goals for United in the Nineties; I could have stuck away a few headers from crosses as inch-perfect as these.

Jose Mourinho turns down England football manager's job (that he never wanted in the first place)

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The manager from Portugal, he say no. The only people who seemed to think that Mourinho might say yes were the tabloid media (Sun, Mirror, Sky etc.) who fabricated the story in the first place – because they are acutely aware that Jose gives good copy. Now the gutter press will refocus their unrelenting spotlight on Fabio Capello, and no doubt put him off the job in the same way they did with Felipe Scolari.

Teutonic Tuesday: Bayern Munich decide 'why score goals when you can get other teams to do it for you?'

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Bayern Munich couldn't find the net but the four goals scored by Hannover were enough to keep the Bavarians top of Bundesliga. Bayern played out a 0-0 draw against Duisburg, but nearest rivals Werder Bremen were defeated in a 4-3 thriller at Hannover. Elsewhere, mid-table Borussia Dortmund were also among the goals as they beat Arminia Bielefeld 6-1.

Forgotten wonder goals: Erik Edman's rocket, Spurs vs Liverpool

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The first in a new series that celebrates forgotten wonder goals recalls Erik Edman's thunderous, out-of-character strike for Spurs against Liverpool in April 2005. Edman, a full-back, currently plays for Rennes in France. He hasn't yet scored for them.

The Tuesday Teaser

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Guess the three footballers from each set of picture clues (click to enlarge)... EASY MEDIUM HARD Answers: EASY David Villa (Michaelangelo's David and a holiday villa) MEDIUM Roy Carroll (Roy Batty from Blade Runner and a group of carol singers) HARD Jimmy Bullard (Jimmy Neutron, Sitting Bull, and the famously hard Lenny McLean)

Who is your team's most embarrassing player?

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The awful behaviour of Emmanuel Eboue got me thinking: Which player are you embarrassed to see wearing the beloved shirt of the team you support? As a Spurs fan, I'd nominate Hossam Ghaly, who doesn't seem to value the Tottenham shirt at all – the fact he's shit doesn't help.

Cameraman knocked over by sprinkler system at football match

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The perils of being a cameraman at a live sporting event... Anyone know which country this might have come from? Australia maybe?

Vote: Were Liverpool right to throw in the towel against Reading?

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't Liverpool – players, fans and manager – spent the whole season claiming that the Premier League is the trophy they want above all else? Well, if that's the case, then why did Benitez choose to play a weakened team against Reading and then bring off his most important players in Gerrard and Carragher when they still had a faint hope of winning or at least drawing the game?

Is Arsenal's season about to fall apart?

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We know the Gooner's surprise loss against Middlesborough at the weekend was only the first time that they've been beaten in the Premier League this season – but the warning signs are there that a blip is coming on. Injuries have certainly played a part and with almost an entire midfield missing with Fabregas, Hleb and Flamini out, they lacked their usual precisie passing and creativity on Sunday – and there's no definite news of when those players will return.

Caption this: Cristiano Ronaldo won't let Carlos Tevez take the penalty for his hat-trick

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Cristiano Ronaldo continued his course in how to lose friends and alienate people by refusing to let Carlos Tevez take a penalty that would have given him a hat-trick. Here he is breaking the news to Tevez – let us know if you think he was right or what Tevez's reaction should have been. ManUnited Pies

The Snapshot: Urawa Red Diamonds 3-1 Sepahan, FIFA Club World Cup

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Urawa Red Diamonds celebrate after defeating Iran's Sepahan in their FIFA Club World Cup match at Aichi's Toyota Stadium on December 10, 2007. Urawa's 3-1 win saw them progress to the semi finals, where they meet AC Milan; the European champions have been given a bye into the last four. Photo Koji Watanabe/Getty Images

Football's funniest own goals compilation

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This video rather neatly wraps up some of the funniest own goals into a handy five-minute video.

Pies' Football Xmas Shopping List, No.7: WAGs Workout DVD

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It had to happen, didn't it – the appearance of a WAGs' fitness DVD in a bargain bin near you. The 'superstar' WAGs in question are ex-glamour model Nicola Tappenden (currently the WAG of Leeds United's Simon Walton, and former squeeze of West Ham hitman Bobby Zamora), Melissa Johnson (Cardiff City's Roger Johnson) and Lisa Munday (Jamie Cureton of Norwich City).

Pies' Football Xmas Shopping List, No.6: Savile Rogue cashmere bar football scarf

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You can make sure your neck doesn't get too chilly as you tuck into your prawn sandwich with one of the classy football scarves from Savile Rogue. Despite providing that old school terrace look, the scarves are probably a bit less itchy than the one your dad used to wear to the match. They don't come cheaply at £39 a pop, but you do get a presentation box for your money which means they make a nice gift for someone.

Why does the BBC still employ shit football pundits?

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Alan Hansen is about the only decent football pundit the BBC has, and he's been doing the job for more than a decade; Mark Lawrenson is a poor man's Hansen, but he's not as bad as the rest of them, who make up a sorry collection of the bland – Lee Dixon and Gavin Peacock, to name two charisma-free ex-players – and the incompetent.

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid and Barcelona stay on top, Sergio Aguero polishes his golden ball

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It is as you were at the top of La Liga. Real Madrid remain four points ahead of second-placed Barcelona as both sides picked up three points at the weekend. Ruud Van Nistelrooy's goal gave Real a 1-0 win over Athletic Bilbao, while Barcelona came from behind to beat Deportivo La Coruna 2-1. Atletico Madid capitalised on Villarreal's defeat at home to Real Betis to move up to third.

Cristiano Ronaldo cheats again – how can we stop him?

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As this video shows, Crissy Ronaldo blatantly cheated to win a penalty against Derby County on Saturday – let's ignore the fact he got up and took the penalty, when a selfish player would have allowed Carlos Tevez the chance to get a well-deserved hat-trick; the fact is, he conned the ref.

Emmanuel Eboue – what a colossal ________

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Insert your own swearword in the headline... Seriously, I know Eboue wasn't in our poll of most hated players in the Prem, but he really should have been. An oversight on our part. The Ivorian might have been sent off twice over against Middlesbrough at the weekend. Once for a double-slap to the face of Emanuel Pogatetz (he connected with the second slap), twice for a deliberate raking of Stewart Downing's thigh that could have resulted in a serious injury.

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 8-9 Dec

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HEROES Sulley Muntari Scored just about the sexiest pair you are likely to see this season against Aston Villa. Sunli Tancay The Turkish international is finally finding his feet in the Premier League and proved it by scoring Middlesbrough's winner against Arsenal.

French Football Friday: Lyon are unstoppable. It's official!

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Lyon have been confirmed as champions of Ligue 1 by the coach of their nearest rivals. In the wake Lyon's emphatic 5-0 win over Strasbourg and his side's 2-1 defeat at Le Mans, Nancy coach Pablo Correa said: "Obviously, we can't catch them now. I never thought we could anyway." While Pessimistic Pablo sinks into a deep depression, Lyon boss Alain Perrin (yes, that one) must be delighted to see his side firing on all cylinders.

The old men's name XI

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Pies presents eleven players who were given names more suited to the pension queue than the Premier League: Edwin van der Sar (Manchester United) Isaiah Osbourne (Aston Villa) Clive Clarke (Sunderland) Wilfred Bouma (Aston Villa) Claude Davis (Derby County) Charles N'Zogbia (Newcastle United) Fredrik Ljungberg (West Ham United) George Boateng (Middlesbrough) Harry Kewell (Liverpool, sometimes) Roy O'Donovan (Sunderland) Victor Anichebe (Everton)

Pies' top 20 football moments of 2007, part 2

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As promised yesterday, part two of our top football moments of this year continues below... (check out part one) 10 Ricardinho's worst corner ever Hilarious proof that even Brazilian footballers aren't infallible when it comes to a good blooper. Read the rest of the list after the click.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz: does exactly what is says on the tin

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1 Hartlepool United, Liverpool, West Ham, Sheffield United, Everton, Sunderland, West Ham, Millwall, Coventry City, Luton Town (current). Whose career? 2 Only two players have scored for both Liverpool and Everton in the Merseyside derby. David Johnson and who else? 3 Sports Minister Richard Caborn supports which English club?

Blackburn Rovers' male cheerleader shows off his moves

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He has been dubbed football's answer to Billy Elliott and a Napoleon Dynamite lookalike. Blackburn's mystery male cheerleader is known only as 'Andrew'. He has developed a cult internet following after his appearance on Match of the Day at the weekend. Here he is dancing his socks off during Rovers' match against Aston Villa.

NO SMOKING: Colchester United fans who puff will be locked up with Will Young

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Colchester United have taken extreme measures to encourage fans to comply with no-smoking legislation. The club's stadium announcer has been threatening supporters tempted by a crafty fag that they will be forced to listen to the music of Will Young. At half-time in the club's match at Crystal Palace, the announcer said: "There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road.

Snapshot Classic: Liverpool vs Man Utd, Anfield, 1995

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March 1995 A knackered-looking Steve Bruce tries to keep up with Robbie Fowler during the Premiership match between Liverpool and Man Utd at Anfield in the 1994/95 season. Photo Shaun Botterill/ALLSPORT

Uefa Cup review: Anderlecht 1-1 Tottenham – Spurs go through, complain about missiles thrown on pitch

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'I played for four years in Belgium and they hate me!' Didier Zakora, Spurs midfielder Zakora, not the most popular player in Belgium for some reason, was apparently hit by a cigarette lighter thrown from the crowd and had to receive treatment. Paul Robinson picked up a metal bar from the pitch and handed it to the fourth official after the match.

Should Rafa Benitez let Liverpool's squad stay up to watch the Hatton vs Mayweather fight?

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The Guardian has a story today that made me chuckle: Rafa Benitez has apparently told his Liverpool players that they can't stay up until the small hours to watch Ricky Hatton's boxing title fight against Floyd Mayweather – the fight is scheduled to begin at 4am this Sat/Sun morning. Spoilsport!

Which player would you like your club to 'sign, substitute or sack'

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You know that game where your mate gives you a choice of three famous women and you have to decide which one to either marry, shag or get rid of? Well, we've come up with our own version for the football field. Don't worry we're not getting all homoerotic – instead you have to decide which three players you would like your club to either sign, substitute to the bench or simply offload in the transfer window.

Cristiano Ronaldo gets shown up by the teaboy

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Cristiano Ronaldo indulges in a spot of fancy Dan-ing on the set of a Pro Evo photoshoot only to be shown up by a teaboy with skills! Via Guardian]

Peruvian player Efrain Viafara sparks a brawl by arsing around

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South America - a continent where skills and flair are appreciated and admired. Or not. A match in Peru had to be abandoned after Ancash player Efrain Viafara sparked a brawl by controlling the ball with his backside. Players and fans of Universitario took exception to his buttock skills. His slice of cheek is in the video below.

Gazzetta all di Pies: Inter Milan and Roma pull away from the pack

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Inter Milan and Roma have made a break at the top of Serie A after winning games in hand last night. Top of the table Inter followed up victory at Fiorentina at the weekend with a 3-0 win over Lazio. And Roma but themselves five points clear of third-place Juventus with victory over Cagliari.

Classic moments: Liverpool beat Newcastle in a 4-3 thriller – would Geordie’s swap that for a bore draw

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Most Geordies fans will remember the Keegan–era as the club's golden years where Kegger's flamboyant team would give us games like this all-time 4-3 Premier League classic in 1996. But they didn't win that game or anything else and compared to last night's sprited draw with Arsenal – would Geordie's prefer to lose a game 4-3 like this or get a bore draw watching Big Sam's pragmatic football?

Scavengers sell David Beckham used Coca Cola bottles, chips and corn cobs!

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Tramps Profit hungry New Zealanders are flogging food scraps that David Beckham left behind during his trip to the country on the internet. Fans have put items including a half-empty Coca Cola bottle on auction site TradeMe to cash-in on Becks' leftovers. Beckham stalkers can big for the Coke bottle left in a Nando's restaurant, a chip dropped on the floor as Beckham strolled around Wellington and a half-eaten corn cob!

Snapshot Classic: Arsenal celebrate winning the Premiership, 1998

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May 1998 Emmanuel Petit and manager Arsene Wenger celebrate winning the championship after the FA Premiership match against Everton at Highbury. Arsenal won 4-0 to secure the title. Photo Shaun Botterill/Allsport

Pies' top 20 football moments of 2007, part 1

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It's the end of the year, so, as the rules of modern journalism dictate, here is an end-of-year list. I hope you have five minutes to read Pies' favourite football moments from 2007 – no doubt there are loads of moments that you remember that don't make this list; post an angry comment if that is the case.

Wayne Rooney desperate to fly to Las Vegas to see Ricky Hatton vs Floyd Mayweather. Alex Ferguson less keen

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Wayne Rooney is good mates with Ricky Hatton, despite the fact that Hatton is a massive Man City fan and Roo plays for United – their friendship conquers such tribal divisions. Rooney, who has carried Hatton's world title belt to the ring before, is absolutely desperate to attend his mate's fight against Floyd Mayweather in Las Vegas this Saturday.

Fanbanta's WAGvent calendar

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Damn, why didn't I think of this? Fanbanta has created a WAGvent calendar – see what they did there? – to celebrate the festive season. It's like an advent calendar, but with pictures of sexy WAGs behind each door, rather than cheap chocolate. And that has to be a good thing, no? Click here to see the calendar

Why you should never take charge of Bradford City on Football Manager

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This spoof video perfectly demonstrates the frustrations experienced by a Football Manager addict. The German kid has made the mistake over accepting the job as Bradford City boss. Sit back and giggle.

Vote: Who is the most hated player in the Premier League?

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Hate is a strong word but there are some players in the Premier League that just wind us up the wrong way. They are usually the ones that are always up in player's faces a la Joey Barton or just plain wrong ‘uns like Lee Bowyer. Then there's the preening prima donnas like Robbie Savage and faking winkers like Ronaldo or serial spitters like El Hadji Diouf – while others just have a face you want to hit.

Video of Marco van Basten's best goals

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Marvel at the sheer range of goals MvB scored during his relatively short career. He really was the complete centre-forward: a ruthless finisher, as good with his head as his feet, fast enough (especially in his head) to get the better of most defenders... there wasn't much he didn't do to a world-class standard.

Shit lookalike: Frank Lampard (West Ham) and Frank Lampard (Chelsea)

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West Ham love giving their old boys a hard time but while Frank still has to live with the fat jibes, at least he's slimmed down since his days at Upton Park...

Killer Football Kits: River Plate, Argentina

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A red sash on a white background – River Plate's kit's is beautifully simple and instantly recognisable. Now why didn't I think of that? Peru's national team has a very similar kit. Buy a Seventies River Plate kit online

Club Pies post of the day: did Man Utd really draw Aston Villa in the FA Cup? I smell a conspiracy theory…

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'Both readers of this blog will have noted the lame gag we used after United drew Aston Villa in the third round of the FA Cup for the fourth time in seven seasons – namely that the FA must have their balls glued together. Well while that might not be the case – although we can't speak for all the officials – it seems that something strange really did go on.

WIN! A video blogging internship with Shiny Media, the people behind Who Ate All the Pies

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How would you like the chance of winning a six-month internship with us at Shiny Media? You would? Excellent... Our buddies at LG are running a Video Media Talent Award – a competition to find and train two interns to develop skills in presenting or filming/editing with Shiny Media – the UK's leading video-blogging team.

Betting company Oddset brings you world football as you have never seen it before

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This cracking advert for bookmakers Oddset takes stereotyping to a whole new level. Mocked up footage from around the globe shows various football leagues as viewed through the eyes of a cynic/realist.

One to Watch: Chris Gunter (the Cardiff City full-back being shielded from peer pressure by Paul Parker)

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OK, OK we'll come clean. Although we are sure Chris Gunter is a very talented kid, this is more of a dig at Paul Parker than anything else. The ex-Manchester United and England full-back told FourFourTwo Gunter was: "Already being touted as a right-sided Gareth Bale and although that's a lot of pressure to put on an 18 year old, the potential is there for all to see.

Snapshot Classic: Holland 2-1 Argentina, 1998 World Cup

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July 1998 Ariel Ortega of Argentina takes a tumble during the World Cup quarter-final against Holland at the Stade Velodrome in Marseilles. Holland won the match 2-1. Photo Stu Forster/Allsport

Champions League review: AC Milan 1-0 Celtic – Celtic qualify despite narrow loss in San Siro

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Celtic fans – not to mention manager Gordon Strachan – will have made several toasts to Benfica last night, as the Portuguese side did them a huge favour in beating Shakhtar Donetsk away from home. Benfica's win ensured that Celtic progressed to the last 16 of the Champions League, despite losing to Milan in the San Siro, in an otherwise forgettable game.

John Terry wants Jose Mourinho for England. Do you?

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Of course John Terry wants Mourinho to be the next England boss. They enjoyed great success together at Chelsea, and hugged frequently, in a mannish, completely non-homoerotic fashion. Do you want Mourinho though? He would be a better bet than Steve McClaren, for sure, but I worry that he'd get bored with a job that is effectively part-time, and also frustrated with the constant tabloid glare – I know he is an attention seeker, but I don't think anyone knows just how intense being England manager is until they are in that hot seat.

Captions this! Snoop Dogg offers Chelsea's Petr Cech some goalkeeping advice

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It's one of the more unlikely friendships that you could imagine but here's the world's best goalkeeper, Petr Cech, chillin' with his homeboy Snoop Dogg. "Anyone tries to take a shot at me and I'll save it with my jazz hands – fo shizzle my nizzle" Let us know if you can bust your own cap-tion for this pair of asses

Filippo Inzaghi is shit – how does he score so many goals?

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No one has scored more goals in Europe than Filippo Inzaghi. He broke Gerd Muller's record of 62 goals last night, in Milan's 1-0 defeat of Celtic. Er, how did that happen? He's not world-class in any area, not even when it comes to scoring goals (that sounds perverse, but it's true – he does miss as many goals as he scores).

Oranje Wednesday: Ajax suffer first defeat of season

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Ajax lost for the first time this season in a shock 1-3 home defeat against NAC Breda. Klaas-Jan Huntelaar's last-minute consolation was not enough to spare their blushes. A Jan Vertonghen own goal, and goals from Matthew Amoah and Ahmed Ammi secured the win for NAC. The result meant PSV Eindhoven went top and have a two-point lead over Ajax.

The Snapshot: Scunthorpe 1-1 Blackpool, Coca Cola Championship

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Michael Flynn of Blackpool celebrates scoring the equalising goal during the Championship match between Scunthorpe United and Blackpool at Glanford Park on December 3, 2007. Photo Gary M. Prior/Getty Images

Ashley Young masturbates on an internet webcam. At least he's good in the tackle…

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Is this what the FA meant by a root-and-branch investigation? I didn't really want to post about the tabloid news that Aston Villa star Ashley Young was caught 'pleasuring himself' on a webcam, as he chatted to beauty therapist Sarah Taylor, 21. It's all too depressing that another young England star is revealed to have the judgment of an amoeba, the charm of a gnat and his brains in his shorts.

The Tuesday Teaser

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Guess the three footballers from each set of picture clues (click to enlarge): EASY MEDIUM HARD Answers after the click: Answers: EASY Joey Barton (Joey from Friends and the movie Barton Fink) MEDIUM Sami Hyypia (Sammy David Jr, a hip X-ray and Eyore from Winnie the Pooh) HARD Liam Ridgewell (Liam Neeson, a mountain ridge and a wishing well) How did you fare this week?

Franck Ribery taunts Arminia Bielefeld fans

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After scoring a fine goal at struggling Arminia Bielefeld, Franck Ribery ran to the Bielefeld section, where he taunted the home fans, who had been giving him some gentle stick – Reuters Soccer Blog claims that the Bielefeld fans had been singing 'We have Kamper, who needs Ribery?', an ironic reference to their playmaker Jonas Kamper.

Snapshot Classic: Gazza and Chris Waddle get into the Christmas spirit

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1990 Chris Waddle and Paul Gascoigne lark about in Santa Claus costumes. I have no idea why they are doing so, but it's par for the course where Gazza is concerned. Photo Ben Radford/Allsport

VOTE: Which new manager has the best chance of staying up – Bruce, McCleish or Jewell?

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Three of the Premier League's struggling clubs brought in new managers at the weekend in an attempt to save them from relegation – but who has the best chance. Steve Bruce was forced from Birmingham for a second stint at Wigan, which began with a baptism of fire for the former Man Utd captain against Man City – although he came out with a creditable draw.

XI worst possible new England managers (the not so serious list)

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David Cameron We have just got rid of one England manager who changed his policies depending what the press and the public said, so we don't need another one. Besides he is only two rows away from Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon so he would probably prefer a job with the Blues.

Shit Lookalikes: Peter Crouch and the logo of Special K breakfast cereal

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Chringle, our Shit Lookalikes specialist, has outdone himself this time. I don't know what new form of crack you're on Chringle, but I'd like some please.

Football's Greatest Songs, No.4: 'Give Him A Ball (And A Yard Of Grass)', by The Sultans of Ping FC

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Probably the first and only musical tribute to Nigel Clough! Irish band The Sultans of Ping shook the music world with all the vigour of a mild bout of indigestion when they strolled onto the scene in the early 1990s. They did leave behind a few decent tracks, including this ode to Cloughie Jnr.

Do you have an overwhelming urge to slap Joey Barton this morning?

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If you answered no then you obviously didn't see BBC's Inside Sport last night. If you answered yes then please form an orderly queue. Self-centred doesn't cover it. Gabby Logan could have asked him what he had for breakfast and the answer would have been along the lines of: "Well, when you're me there is no point saying what you have had for breakfast because people have already made there minds up what food I eat.

Teutonic Tuesday: Werder Bremen see of Hamburg challenge, Bayern Munich still top table

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Werder Bremen beat Hamburg 2-1 in Bundesliga's crunch match this week. The club's remain in second and third place respectively but the result leaves Hamburg three points behind Werder and four points adrift of Bayern Munich. The table-toppers maintained their slender advantage in the league as Franck Ribery gave them victory against Arminia Bielefeld.

Will Cristiano Ronaldo ever score a hat trick for Man United?

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Could it be written somewhere that Cristiano Ronaldo is destined never to score a hat trick for Man Yoo? Europe's official second best player scored the brace that beat Fulham last night but was denied a hat trick when referee, Rob Stiles, booked him for diving instead of awarding what looked like a clear cut penalty towards the end.

High-school football player runs into immovable goalie. Ouch!

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'That is body on body!' What the hell is this young 'keeper made of? Titanium? Turn your volume up to enjoy the sound of high-school football carnage. Hit of the year? Maybe. Via Sport Pie

WIN Tickets to Real Madrid vs Barcelona at the Bernabeu, plus a Nintendo Wii games console!

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Who Ate All the Pies has teamed up with the immaculately well-groomed folks at L'Oreal to give you the chance to win two very special prizes. Firstly, how do you fancy winning tickets to watch Real Madrid play Barcelona – the biggest derby in world football – at the famous Bernabeu Stadium?

Snapshot Classic: AC Milan's defensive wall is full of head coaches

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1989 (From l to r) Carlo Ancelotti (currently AC Milan's head coach), Frank Rijkaard (currently Barcelona's coach), Marco Van Basten (in charge of the Dutch national team) and Ruud Gullit (recently made boss of LA Galaxy) line up in the defensive wall for Milan against Real Madrid during the European Cup semi-final played at the San Siro.

Red card, yellow card: Robbie Keane vs El Hadji Diouf

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Scenario 1 Robbie Keane was sent off for a clumsy tackle that warranted a yellow. Keane is a mouthy sod, always in the ear of any ref, but he is not a dirty player. (Watch the incident here) Scenario 2 El Hadji Diouf was shown a yellow – which he protested against, like the spit-happy muppet that he is – for an X-rated tackle on Alvaro Arbeloa that deserved a straight red.

Top 10 Football Groups of Death

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No major football tournament is complete without a group that makes you wince just thinking about it. The recent Euro 2008 draw threw up a cracking Group of Death, featuring Holland, Italy and France in one group. Here, I look back at some of the most memorable GoDs in football history... 1 Argentina, Brazil, Italy (Group C, second phase, 1982 World Cup) Who made it out alive?

Manchester City's FA Cup celebration dinner, 1969

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Sky Sports News might get its fair share of stick for its 24/7 coverage of the most mundane vaguely football-related activities, but here is evidence that the BBC were doing it 38 years ago. David Coleman presents live coverage of the celebratory dinner held by Manchester City following their FA Cup win.

Horror Hair: Alan Smith

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What's all this about then? It was one thing for Big Sam Allardyce to insist on playing a striker in midfield, but now he appears to have taken to playing a porcupine in midfield. Alan Smith has rekindled his love affair with peroxide. Unfortunately there wasn't enough left in his last bottle to do a full head of hair.

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 1-2 Dec

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HEROES Sebastian Larsson His stunning late winner gave Alex McLeish victory against Tottenham in his first match as Birmingham City gaffer. Anthony Stokes Popped up with a late winner for Sunderland at home to Derby (ie. the easiest game you're going to get all season).

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid extend their lead after great weekend

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Real Madrid gave themselves a four-point lead at the top of La Liga after both their nearest rivals slipped up. Looking at the fixture list, Real would probably have been content to maintain their one-point lead but second place Villarreal lost 2-0 at Vallodolid. And, as if that wasn't good enough, Barcelona could only muster a 1-1 draw against city rivals Espanyol.

The Snapshot Special: Premier League weekend 1-2 Dec

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Liverpool 4-0 Bolton Wanderers Peter Crouch shields the ball from Gary Speed. Tottenham 2-3 Birmingham City Sebastian Larsson runs towards Blues fans to celebrate his last-gasp winner at White Hart Lane. Sunderland 1-0 Derby Paul McShane of Sunderland tackles Stephen Pearson of Derby.

The vote: Did Arsenal's win at Aston Villa convince you that they can win the league this season?

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I didn't expect Arsenal to get three points out of their trip to Villa Park this weekend. Martin O'Neill's side came into the game full of confidence after their 4-0 win at Blackburn, and they would have fancied their chances at home to the league leaders. But in the first half, Arsenal destroyed them.

Looking at the Euro 2008 groups, aren't you glad England didn't qualify?

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Didier Deschamps (right) tries to fake a smile as Theo Zagorakis draws France in the Euro 2008 Group of Certain Death (see below). GROUP A Switzerland, Czech Republic, Portugal, Turkey Probably the weakest group. I tip Portugal and Switzerland to progress. GROUP B Austria, Croatia, Germany, Poland Germany and Croatia should go through comfortably.