Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2007

Magos Del Futbol video - football meets breakdancing

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This one's for all the B-boys in the house – Nike's Magos Del Futbol ad mixes football and hip hop with a Latin style, which basically means breakdancing with ball

Which players should Juande Ramos get rid of at Spurs?

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The arrival of a new manager usually causes a few worried looks around the training ground as players from the old regime wonder if they will have to make way for a new revolution. Spurs' new manager, Juande Ramos, ordered a double training session on his first day at the training ground where the beleaguered team was given the once over – probably with a few question marks penciled in after names.

Norwich appoint Glenn Roeder as new manager

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Bottom-of-the-table Championship side Norwich City have decided the solution to their mounting problems is to appoint Glenn Roeder as their new boss. [Pause here to wipe anything you were eating/drinking as you read this off your computer screen]. The Canaries have just eight points from their opening 13 games this season. The appointment of Roeder - whose managerial CV boasts a disappointing spell at Newcastle United and an even worse one at West Ham - is unlikely to provide much of a boost to Norwich fans.

New England Revolution's Michael Parkhurst scores from the halfway line

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This incredible goal from last week's MLS action sees New England Revolution's Michael Parkhurst scoring from inside his own half. The 60-yard strike was the defender's first goal for the club. Talk about starting with style!

Teutonic Tuesday: Hamburg close gap as Bayern Munich fail to find ne

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Hamburg reduced Bayern Munich's lead at the top of Bundesliga to four points as they beat MSV Duisburg 0-1 while the erstwhile free-scoring league leaders shared the points in a goalless draw with Borussia Dortmund. A goalless Bayern match? What is the world coming to? Anyway, a Vincent Kompany (pictured) free-kick for Hamburg was enough to make the German league look a bit less like a one-horse race.

United colours of the Premier League – who’s the best Brazilian player?

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Sepp Blatter may not like it but the Premier League is home to over 260 foreign players from Austria to Zimbabwe. We've heard the argument that the influx of foreign players is holding back our domestic game, but in our view the best overseas players have improved the standard of football in this country and made it one of the most exciting and enviable leagues in the world – let us know if you think differently.

Pick your worst ever England team. Who is England's worst ever right winger?

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According to yesterday's vote, Anthony Gardner is England's worst ever centre-back, and your worst nightmare would be to see him lining up alongside Neil 'Razor' Ruddock. In our closest result so far, Razor pipped Matthew Upson, Keith Curle and Steve Howey to the dubious honour of partnering Gardner. Today we are asking you to vote for your worst England right winger of all time.

Bird attacks footballer

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Giving opposing players the bird when they run over to take a corner is not uncommon, but this is taking things a bit too far! This feathered friend has a dive even Cristiano Ronaldo would be proud of and soon has the corner-taker running for cover. [Via The Offside]

Horror Hair: Tony Daley

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Once again our trawl through England's worst ever players has turned up some classic Horror Hair. Here is Aston Villa winger Tony Daley sporting his gem of a barnet. It looks like someone has emptied a bowl of spaghetti on to his head and then used said bowl to give him a basin cut.

Snapshot Classic: Roberto Baggio of Juventus in action during the 1993 Uefa Cup final

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May 1993 Roberto Baggio of Juventus in action during th Uefa Cup Final match between Juventus and Borussia Dortmund. This photo is taken from Juve's home leg in Turin. The Italian side won 3-0 at home and 3-1 in Dortmund, to secure a comfortable victory. Baggio scored twice in Germany; his namesake Dino (no relation) scored twice in Turin.

IFK Gothenburg win Swedish league title for first time since 1996

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Gothenburg defeated Trelleborg to secure their 18th Swedish league title. Surprisingly, Sweden's most famous club had not been champions since 1996. This video shows how they did it, plus post-match shenanigans where the players celebrate in the dressing room by wearing hats made out of tinsel. Lovely.

Jaap Stam retires from football - how will he be remembered?

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Man mountain and Easter Island lookalike, Jaap Stam, has called an end to his playing career because of injury and a lack of focus. He apparently considered quitting Ajax at the start of the season but was convinced to stay. Unfortunately, physical problems have continued and the big Dutchman no longer feels he has the concentration that made him one of the game's most uncompromising defenders.

Exreme heading at the fairground

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We've all had a go at asserting our masculinity by punching one of those bags at the fairground to make the bells go off – but for this guy it's just some extreme heading practice...perhaps he's Glaswegian!

Referee charged for swearing at Dennis Wise - what would you like to say to him?

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The FA has charged both Dennis Wise and referee, Danny McDermid, for swearing at each other during a game between Leeds and Gillingham back in September. We can imagine Wise spitting and snarling expletives from around knee height like a psychotic Scrappy Doo – who was fined £5,000 and received a three-match touchline ban for having a go at McDermid at half-time.

Is this the tubbiest tackle of the season so far?

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We think it might just be. When Aston Villla's Wilfred Bouma flopped to the floor to floor to tackle Bolton's Kevin Davies there was surely more waistline inches per challenge on display than any other this season. Any more contenders for tubbiest tackle of the season?

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid stay two points clear of Barcelona

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Real Madrid maintained their lead at the top of La Liga with a 3-1 victory over Deportivo La Coruna. A Ruud van Nistelrooy penalty and goals from Raul and Robinho cancelled out Sergio Gonzalez's opener. Barcelona kept up the pressure on their rivals with a 2-0 win over Almeria. Lionel Messi and Thierry Henry ensured Barca remain only two points behind Real.

Snapshot Classic: Socrates and Zico, the coolest football partnership in World Cup history?

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June 1986 They don't make players as cool as Socrates and Zico any more. Socrates – is there a cooler name in football history? No, there isn't – apart from Zico, perhaps. Anyhow, here they are at the 1986 World Cup in Mexico, celebrating Socrates's winning goal against Spain in Group D. Either that or they're celebrating being so damn cool.

Classic moments: Fabien Barthez puts his hand up in the FA Cup, West Ham vs Man Utd

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Fabien Barthez, the clown prince of goalkeeping, offers to hail Paulo Di Canio a taxi during an FA Cup match between West Ham and Man United. What was he thinking?

Eric Addo banned for four Champions League matches for spitting at Fenerbahce’s Semih Senturk

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How long before Frank Rijkaard, the master of the well-aimed spit, signs Addo for Barcelona? The PSV midfielder/defender shows a lot of phlegm potential in this incident.

Caption this! Sven Goran Eriksson watches Man City lose 6-0 to Chelsea

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"Sven spots Nancy and Ulrika sitting together in the crowd!" Let us know if you can come up with a better caption for the shocked Citeh manager

Why does everyone hate new Bolton manager Gary Megson? Ah, I see, it's because he's shit…

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Listening to The Guardian's Barry Glendenning talk on the paper's Football Weekly podcast about about how much his mate hated playing under Gary Megson – Megson reputedly made said player trade in his Porsche for a shitter car – made me think that perhaps I was being a bit harsh on Bolton fans, who didn't exactly support their new boss at the weekend.

Where are the sexy football cheerleaders in Halloween costumes?

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Why doesn't the Premier League have more hot cheerleaders at every game? They do it in America for the NFL, so why not over here? I appreciate they are there to keep the fans entertained whilst there's yet another break in play for TV commercials, but still... what's not to like? Especially when it's Halloween, and they wear fancy dress. These fine young ladies are some of the cheerleaders for the Tennessee Titans.

Classic Moments: Gus Poyet's flying scissor kick, Chelsea vs Sunderland 1999

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In which Gus Poyet, Tottenham's new sidekick, inflicts some awesome 'karate goalness' on Sunderland. And what a sublime chip from Gianfranco Zola to set Poyet up. Now, if Gus can only teach Jermaine Jenas to do that at Spurs, he will be on to something.

Should Juande Ramos try to bring Fredi Kanoute and Daniel Alves to Spurs?

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Tabloid hacks with the ability to put two and two together – there are some out there – have naturally decided that Juande Ramos, Spurs' new head honcho, will raid the changing room at his former club Sevilla. Which all means that we'll be seeing the likes of Fredi Kanoute and Daniel Alves playing at White Hart Lane soon enough. I doubt Sevilla would part with Alves for the money Spurs could afford, but I could see Kanoute returning to the club.

Head to head: Steven Gerrard vs Cesc Fabregas

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Stevie Gerrard and Cesc Fabregas staked their individual claims for the Premier League's best midfielder yesterday with inspiring performances and a goal apiece that split the points. But, which one would you prefer in your team? Polls - Take Our Poll

The template for reporting Liverpool matches

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The gang at Left back have come up with this excellent template for reporting Liverpool matches to save the hacks on the national press a bit of time. So in other words, I'm reproducing a template created in jest to mock the repetitive reporting of the press. Post-modern lazy journalism at its best! [Insert manager name here] was furious after his side's [result] against Liverpool this [afternoon/evening].

Will Gareth Barry replace Frank Lampard at Chelsea?

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It's been quite a year for Gareth Barry, he's gone from international occasional to England's most consistent performer and now there are rumours that Chelsea are preparing a £15m bid to bring him to the Bridge. It feels like he's been around for ages and yesterday Barry became the youngest player to reach 300 Premier League games – ironically overtaking the man he could replace in the Chelsea team, Frank Lampard.

Shit Lookalikes: Owen Hargreaves's girlfriend Janelle Khouri and Alanis Morissette

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Isn't it ironic that both Khouri and Morisette come from Canada? Not really, but Janelle sure as hell looks like she could be Alanis's younger, hotter sister.

Goal of the week: Carols Tevez reads Wayne Rooney's mind

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It was a great weekend for goals with wonder strikes from Nani and Samba as well as free kick specials from Anelka and Gerrard. But, while there were probably better hits than Tevez's first goal against Middlesborough, it was the sweeping build up finished with a backheel pass from Rooney in the box that wins our vote. Care to agree or disagree?

THE VOTE Pick your worst ever England team. Who are England's worst ever centre-backs?

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Phil Neville stomped his way into the Pies worst ever England team on Friday with 45 per cent of you voting him as the national team's worst ever left-back. Today you have to pick your worst ever centre-backs. Pick your top two from the list provided or add your own suggestions as a comment. Polls - Take Our Poll

The Church of Diego Maradona enjoy worship time

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The crazy congregation of the Church of Diego Maradona are celebrating 10 years since their hero hung up his boots. Here is footage of some surreal Diego worship. [Via FourFourTwo]

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 27-28 Oct

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HEROES Rob Green Saved a last-gasp penalty (pictured) to snatch a point for West Ham at Pompey. Surely Green now has to be taken seriously for England's No.1 shirt instead of Paul Robinson? Cesc Fabregas Showed off the full extent of his freakish maturity and talent with a wonderfully authoritative performance at Anfield.

Snapshot Classic: a teenage Diego Maradona wakes up in his bedroom

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January 1980 Diego Maradona, aged 19, stretches as he prepares to get out of bed at home in Argentina. Note the teddy bear and I Love Soccer sticker on his wall. Aw, he was just like any other teenager – except he was also the most talented young footballer in the world. And a teddy bear at 19? Bless.

The Snapshot: NY Giants prepare to play Miami Dolphins in a real NFL game at Wembley Stadium

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The New York Giants practice prior to their NFL game (no, it's not an exhibition match this time) against the Miami Dolphins, which will be played at Wembley Stadium tomorrow. The Giants should stomp all over the Dolphins, who have been abject this season: they have lost all seven of their games so far, whereas NY are a healthy 5-2. That said, I have sneaking fancy that Miami could upset the form book.

Pies v Lawro, Premier League predictions, Oct 27-28th

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GAME OF THE WEEK Liverpool v Arsenal, Larwo 1-1, Pies 1-2 This is the first big test that Arsenal have faced this season and with Liverpool all but out of the Champions League, it couldn't have come at a better time at Anfield with confidence low at Anfield. Whether Liverpool can use that defeat to inspire them remains to be seen but Arsenal are flying high and the youngsters are used to scoring goals at Anfield (remember the Carling Cup?

Pro Evolution Soccer 2008: the 'crossbar header' bug

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Pro Evo wouldn't be the same without a few amusing bugs and glitches, so it's nice to know that the latest version of The Greatest Videogame Series Ever Made still has the capacity to f**k up at strange moments. This glitch is one of the funniest I've seen.

Shit lookalike: Harry Redknapp and Droopy Dog

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Poor old 'Arry's face has been fighting a losing battle with gravity for as long as we can remember, not unlike his canine counterpart – watch out Louise, it's only a matter of until until Jamie does the same.

French Football Friday: Lyon top the table after Monaco win

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Lyon are currently perched on top of Ligue 1, but their two-point lead over AS Nancy is precarious given that the second-placed side have played a game less. Lyon defeated Monaco 3-1 with goals from Juninho, Reveillere and Benzema. Nancy meanwhile could only manage a 1-1 draw with Sochaux. Check out all eight goals from the 5-3 thriller between Auxerre and Lorient.

Is Alan Hansen's Sports Challenge the worst sports videogame of all time? This reviewer seems to think so…

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If you are tempted by the prospect of buying Alan Hansen's Sports Challenge – one of those interactive DVD-style quiz things – for your PC or console, then don't. It's poo, at least according to one reviewer from website RewiredMind, who savaged it: 'Alan Hansen's Sports Challenge is an abomination of monstrous proportions. If you've got any sense whatsoever – which I'm sure that you have - you'll take that twenty five quid, buy the interactive DVD version of Bullseye (which is actually awesome) for a tenner and spend the other fifteen pounds on any other PS2 game that you choose.

THE VOTE Has Victoria Beckham had breast implants?

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Forget Martin Jol's sacking, the mess that is the England national team, Liverpool's Champions League worries and all other football stories. This is the question on the lips of every true football fan: has Posh had breast implants? When Posh went on Chris Moyles' radio show recently, he accused her of getting implants... Moyles: 'Everybody knows they're fake, Victoria, just admit it – we don't have a problem with them.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Partizan, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza, Parma AC, Osasuna, Toronto FC (currently there on trial). Whose career? 2 Benelucky was the official mascot at which major football tournament? 3 What links Tomas Brolin, Hidetoshi Nakata, Tino Asprilla, Hernan Crespo, Lilian Thuram and Hristo Stoichkov? 4 Just one Scottish player was named in Pele's '100 Greatest Players' list, compiled to commemorate FIFA's 100th anniversary.

Spoof Martin Jol interview

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Check out this hilarious spoof interview with the former Spurs manager from our friends at Fanbanta

Classic Moment: Ruud van Nistelrooy gets revenge on all those who have ever mocked him for missing a penalty

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For some reason nothing gets defenders larking around like kids in a playground quite as much as Ruud van Nistelrooy missing a penalty. He attracts so much stick when he doesn't find the net with those spot-kicks. Anyway this video from 2005 shows RvN finally getting his revenge after another incident, this time against those big bullies from Andorra.

THE VOTE Pick your worst ever England team. Who is England's worst ever left-back?

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So far you have voted Paul Robinson and Danny Mills into your worst ever England team. Wild Danny Mills was selected yesterday after receiving 29 per cent of votes cast. Now it is time to choose England's worst ever left-back - a position which is rich pickings, even if I do say so myself. As always, your suggestions are welcome. Poll - Take Our Poll

The Snapshot: Germany mascot Paule terrorises supporters

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Germany mascot Paule the eagle harrasses spectators at an U17 Euro qualifier match between Germany and the Faroe Islands. Photo Thomas Niedermueller/Bongarts/Getty

Snapshot Classic: George Best presents Pele with an award, California 1978

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April 1978 George Best presents Pele (he's the one wearing the red 'sports suit') with a plaque commemorating the Brazilian as the best football player in the world during 'Pele Appreciation Day' at the Rose Bowl in Pasedena, California. A friendly match was played between the LA Aztecs and NY Cosmos to mark the occasion. And check out how high that Afro-sporting woman's trousers are!

Darren Campbell teaches Shevchenko how to run - will he ever get back to his best?

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It seems they've tried everything but bionic body parts to try and restore Andriy Shevchenko to his former glory at Stamford Bridge – including enlisting the help of former sprint athlete, Darren Campbell, to remind him how to run. The double Olympic medal winner has been working with the striker both at the training ground and at home to help him regain the sharpness, especially in short bursts, that's been missing since he left AC Milan – which is good of Campbell considering he's a lifelong Man United fan.

Football's Greatest Songs, No.3: 'All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit', by Half Man Half Biscuit

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In 1986, cult Birkenhead punk-folk band Half Man Half Biscuit – one of John Peel's favourite all-time groups – released their infamous debut single, 'The Trumpton Riots'. On the B-side was the almost-as-infamous track, 'All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit', a wonderful study of adolescent rivalry and table football. Here's a vid of the group performing the song on the Old Grey Whistle Test, in 1986: Lyrics after the click, you know, if you want to sing along.

Uefa Cup review: Everton 3-1 Larissa – Tim Cahill scores on his return from injury

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A solid home win for David Moyes's men. Tim Cahill, who lasted 65 minutes before being substituted, scored on his return from a long-term injury. It's hard to underestimate just how much Everton have missed the combative Aussie since he last played for them in March. He's their key player, their talisman, their heartbeat. Mikel Arteta has been marvellous in Cahill's absence, but he and his team-mates – not to mention Everton fans – will be delighted to have Tiger Tim back in action.

Uefa Cup review: Tottenham 1-2 Getafe – Martin Jol's fate is sealed

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According to reports, Martin Jol was actually sacked before last night's kick-off – great timing, no? I doubt Jol's mind was on the match as much as it should have been, and that was reflected in Spurs' tepid performance. Getafe are in the bottom three of Spain's Primera Liga, and so this should have been the ideal fixture for Jol to finish on a high.

Who is Juande Ramos - and is he the right manager for Spurs?

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If rumours are to be believed Seville's Juande Ramos is about to step into Martin Jol's shoes as the next Spurs manager – so, what's he all about? The Spaniard has become one of the most coveted coaches in Europe after leading Seville to two successive UEFA Cups and a Copa Del Ray. Before then the club were Spain's answer to Newcastle – high on ambition but low on achievement, so he should fit in well at Spurs.

Horror Hair: Tony Dorigo

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Time to re-visit some classic Horror Hair. Writing the post on England's worst ever left-back reminded me just how bad Tony Dorigo's mullet was. Sometimes these things get lost in your memory, so it is worth remembering how offensive the Australian England international's was to your eyes. And no matter how much he thinned out or his hairline receded, Tone persevered with the mullet regardless.

Martin Jol leaves Spurs - did he jump or was he pushed?

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The season's longest running managerial soap opera is finally over – Martin Jol has quit as Spurs manager after his side's 2-1 loss at home against Getafe in the UEFA Cup. Apparently, Jol attended his resignation before the match but failed to go out on a winning note as the Spanish side came from behind courtesy of yet more woeful defending.

Head to Head: Robbie Savage v Cristiano Ronaldo

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Next, in our Top Trump style series of head to heads we've pitted two so-called pretty boys against each other. It's Robbie Savage against Cristiano Ronaldo and their area of specialty is unsurprisingly themselves – so, "Mirror, mirror on the wall – who is the vainest footballer of them all?"

Caption this! Alan Smith has his head examined

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"Alan Smith was heavily marked during the game" Let us know if you can come up with a better caption for poor Smudger

Dutch football TV prankster

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How to lose friends and alienate people in Holland – take a remote control into bars and turn the TV off while everyone is watching the game. This guy deserves a kicking!

Champions League review: Chelsea 2-0 Schalke - are Chelsea really playing more attractive football?

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The party line when Roman Abramovich decided to solve a problem like Mourinho was that he wanted his team to play more attractive football – but several games down the line under new management, is there really any difference? Watching last night's game against Schalke you wouldn't think so – the formation with a holding midfielder and lone striker hasn't changed, Lampard plays the same role and the long ball was still well in effect.

Snapshot Classic: Steve Bull scores for England against Scotland at Hampden Park, 1989 Rous Cup

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Steve Bull of England drops to his knees to celebrate scoring a goal during a Rous Cup match against Scotland at Hampden Park 1989. England won the game 2-0, in what was to be the last playing of the Rous Cup. Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne (complete with chubby frame and mini mullet) is in the background, about to embrace the Mighty Bull, Wolverhampton's greatest son.

THE VOTE Pick your worst ever England team. Who is England's worst ever right-back?

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Yesterday you overwhelmingly voted Paul Robinson as the worst England goalkeeper of all time. You had obviously not forgiven Robbo for his recent errors as he received 45 per cent of the votes (at the time of writing). His nearest rival was Ian Walker (21 per cent). Now it is time to pick England's worst ever right-back. Once again if there are any omissions you would like to see included, just let us know.

The Snapshot: Central Coast Mariners unleash their joined-at-the-groin Siamese twin partnership of John Aloisi and Tony Vidmar.

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Central Coast Mariners of the Australian A-League seem to have come up with a unique way of taking on the opposition if this photo is anything to go by. Apparently two heads are better and they have teamed up former Premier League stars John Aloisi and Tony Vidmar as Siamese twins.

Berti Vogts kissing a rabbit

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I was tempted just to leave you with that headline and the video, but that would not have been fair! Here is former Germany and Scotland coach Berti Vogts making a cameo appearance in long-running German crime drama Tatort. Why is he hugging and kissing a rabbit? We honestly don't know, but let us know if you have more information. [Via Guardian]

THE VOTE Do Glasgow Rangers play 'anti-football'? (Lionel Messi thinks they do)

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Little Lionel Messi, probably the best player in the world right now, has accused Rangers of playing 'anti-football', after the Scottish club held Messi's Barcelona to a 0-0 draw at Ibrox on Tuesday in the Champions League. Messi said: 'It's incredible. Rangers didn't want to play football. They practised anti-football from the first minute and it's a shame we couldn't take victory because we created a good number of chances.

Classic Moments: Theo Walcott's debut for Southampton, aged 16 years and 143 days

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Even on this YouTube video, you can hear the oohs and aahs of anticipation from the Southampton fans every time Walcott gets the ball. His feet were clearly faster than his brain, but Arsene Wenger is seeing to it that Walcott turns into a talent England can be proud of.

Headline of the day: The Sun's take on Besiktas 2-1 Liverpool, Champions League

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Fair play to The Sun sub-editor who came up with this headline. Give that man/woman a raise.

Classic Moment: Oliver Kahn is annoyed when someone meddles with his microphone

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German goalkeepers are so volatile that you don't know what is going to set them off next. If Mad Jens Lehmann isn't mouthing off about something, then Oliver Kahn is getting hot under the collar. If you ever happen to be next to Kahn in a press conference keep you hands off his microphone!

Snapshot: Liverpool lose to Besiktas in Champions League - can they still qualify?

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Liverpool's nightmare run in the Champions League continued last night when they lost 2-1 to Besiktas in Turkey. That leaves the club with only one point from their first three games and their hopes of reaching the knockout stages clinging by a thread. "Obviously it is very difficult now for us to get through but I believe we still can. There are three games left and we must win all three, but we can do that," said Rafael Benitez optimistically.

What should clubs do with discontented strikers like Didier Drogba and Dimitar Berbatov?

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Why's it always strikers who throw their toys out of the pram first when things go wrong at a club? First we had Diddums Drogba not so inconspicuously moaning that Chelsea was a ‘broken club' that he wanted to escape from when the cold weather bites in January. And, then we had to watch a baggy lipped Berbatov skulking around the touchline when he was left on the sub's bench against Newcastle.

Gazzetta all di Pies: Roma and Napoli in 4-4 thriller, Inter Milan top Serie A

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No doubting the game of the week in Serie A. Roma and Napoli shared eight goals in a thrilling draw. Inter Milan remain top of the league after their 0-1 win at Reggina with Adriano grabbing his first goal in six months. They have a three-point lead over Juventus who beat Genoa 1-0. Here are all the goals from Roma's 4-4 draw with Napoli.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group B, Chelsea v Schalke 04

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Chelsea v Schalke 04, Wednesay 24th October (ko 7.45pm BST time) Chelsea's have rediscovered their form since beating Valencia in their previous match in this competition and Stamford Bridge has long been considered a fortress under Mourinho. Avram Grant will want to continue the tradition but he'll be without two of his first choice defenders in John Terry and Ashley Cole – while no one's sure what sort of mood Diddums Drogba will be in.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group A, Besiktas v Liverpool

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Besiktas v Liverpool, Wednesday 24th October (ko 7:45 BST) Liverpool have yet to win a Champions League game this season so nothing less than a win will do tonight and, although they won the 2005 final in Istanbul, they've never beaten a Turkish team away. The big name missing from the team sheet is Fernando Torres with Kewell, Arbeloa and Agger also out, but Xabi Alonso could return from a broken metatarsal.

Oranje Wednesday: Feyenoord pull away at top of Eredivisie

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A 1-0 victory over Excelsior saw Feyenoord move a point clear at the top of the Eredivise as rivals Ajax drew 0-0 with NEC. PSV Eindhoven are in second place after their 3-1 victory over VVV. Gio van Bronkhorst scored Feyenoord's winner as he slid the ball home from an angle in the 78th minute. Saturday's goals from the Eredivise are here:

Top ten footballers in films

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We had a massive response when we asked you to vote for the greatest football film ever with When Saturday Comes surprisingly sweeping the poll. But, while art may have no problem imitating sport, putting a footballer in front of a camera rarely leads to studs treading the red carpet come Oscar night. Thankfully, footballers are usually limited to cameo appearances – although even the ultimate method acting experience of playing yourself doesn't always guarantee a good performance.

Shit lookalike: Arsene Wenger and Principal Skinner (The Simpsons)

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Both are studious types in charge of a collection of young children...

THE VOTE Pick your worst ever England team. Who is England's worst ever goalkeeper?

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Pies is giving you the chance to select the worst players ever to represent England. What's that you say? Graham Taylor has already done it? It won't hurt to do it again. So for the next few days you will be able to vote on the worst players to play for England in each position. At the end of that we will compile the Pies Worst Ever England XI.

Didier Drogba and Michael Essien rap on anti-racism song

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Chelsea stars (for now at least) Didier Drogba and Michael Essien make a guest appearance on an anti-racism song released this week. The duo rap on Wills and the Willing's track Skin, which came out on Monday. The track was released as part of Kick It Out week. Here is the video of the song: More rapping footballers

VOTE: Which team has played the most beautiful game ever?

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Everyone, except maybe the most blinkered Spurs fan, has been waxing lyrical about Arsenal all season – apparently Wenger's boys have taken the beautiful game and given it an even more stylish makeover. Of course, they still haven't won anything but their results this term suggest it's only a matter of time – they're still scoring goals through beautiful passing and movement but have added the resilience and efficiency that was once missing.

Caption this! Didier Drogba and Martin Johnson pose in American football kit to promote London's NFL match between NY Giants and Miami Dolphins

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Didier Drogba and former England rugby union captain Martin Johnson pose at Stamford Bridge in NFL uniforms to promote the match between the NY Giants and Miami Dolphins, which will be played at Wembley Stadium on October 28th. Hmm, there must be a good caption or two in there... Photo Christopher Lee/Getty Images

Scotland rise to 13th in FIFA World Rankings, could overtake England. But how many Scottish players would get into a combined England/Scotland XI?

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Scotland have risen one place to 13th in FIFA's world rankings, their highest position since the rankings were introduced in 1993. The Jocks are now just two spots behind England who dropped down to 11th on the back of that defeat in Russia. Many Scottish fans – and no doubt some English fans too – would argue that Scotland are currently a better team than Stevie Mac's beleaguered England.

Classic Moments: Monty Python's literary football pundit

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John Cleese, doing a fine impression of your average English football pro.

Champions League review: Rangers 0-0 Barcelona

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I predicted a 1-1 draw and wasn't too far off. This is a terrific result for Rangers, who were outplayed for significant periods of the game by the stellar cast of Barca (Messi, Henry and Ronaldinho all came close to scoring) but ultimately deserved a point for their discipline and calmness under pressure. In the end, Barca were happy to run down the clock and settle for a draw, despite this being a match they could easily have won.

Champions League review: Arsenal 7-0 Slavia Prague – Theo Walcott scores twice, comes of age in Europe

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Slavia Prague, aka the Keystone Cops, had no answer for the invention, youthful exuberance and firepower of Arsenal, who registered their biggest ever home win in Europe. Gooners will have been encouraged by the sparkling performance of Theo Walcott, who scored twice and was involved in much of Arsenal's best play. The English youngster suddenly seems to have found a new level, and about time too.

Champions League review: Dynamo Kiev 2-4 Man Utd

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There were not quite as many goals as we saw at the Emirates last night, but this match was not so one-sided and therefore more entertaining. In truth this was a comfortable victory for the English champions, but Kiev never gave up. Kiev are not the force they were in the days of Rebrov & Shevchenko, but to score four goals away in the Champions League is a rare feat.

XI conclusions: Dynamo Kiev 2-4 Manchester United

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1 Manchester United are returning to their best attacking football. The kind of football that won them the Premier League last year. 2 But they still have a big John O'Shea-shaped weakness in their side. Fergie has fairly ruthlessly moved on United youngsters who didn't quite make the grade to lesser clubs. How did O'Shea survive? 3 Whoever said Manchester United lacked a natural goalscorer this season had obviously forgotten about Rio Ferdinand!

Championship review: Charlton Athletic 1-2 Plymouth Argyle, Coventry 0-3 Watford, Crystal Palace 1-3 Stoke

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A packed schedule of Championship fixtures last night, with a few results standing out: Plymouth Argyle earned a great 2-1 away win at Charlton (pictured, left), which moves the in-form Pilgrims above Athletic in the table, into fourth spot. The match was a feisty affair, with ten bookings, but that didn't bother Argyle boss Ian Holloway, who was delighted with his team's fighting spirit: 'I loved the work ethic, we were never say die and I am very proud of this football club.

Horror Hair: Pape Diakhate

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The Dynamo Kiev defender has obviously attended the Didier Drogba school of style – step away from the straighteners!

Head to Head: Jens Lehmann vs Didier Drogba

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The first in a Top Trumps-style series of Head to Heads pitches Mad Jens against the Drog. The category in question? Arrogance, which would obviously be the strongest suit of both players. So, who do you think is the more arrogant player (vote below)? Lehmann clearly thinks the sun shines out of every orifice of his body, whereas Drogba seems to be suffering badly from what I like to call 'One good season and I think I'm bigger than my club' syndrome (also afflicting Dimitar Berbatov right now, it seems).

Rumour Mill: Hernan Crespo urges Didier Drogba to join Inter Milan, Spurs want Mark Hughes, Bolton bid again for Gary Megson

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Today's most interesting/ridiculous/made-up in the pub football stories: Spurs have lined up Blackburn boss Mark Hughes to replace Martin Jol, if the struggling North Londoners fail to win at home against Rovers on Sunday. Will it happen? Not a chance. There's no way Rovers will let Sparky go to Spurs – and I'm confident Hughes himself would only leave Blackburn for one of the big four, or perhaps Barcelona.

Robinho and Falcao show off their football skills

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Not so long ago we introduced you to Falcao - the futsal king of Brazil - and explained that he was a national hero in his homeland, with even Ronaldinho citing him as his idol. For this reason if Falcao fancies a kickabout with Robinho the Real Madrid party animal is only too happy to oblige. Do you have ginga? [Via This Blog Will Self Destruct In Five Seconds]

Jens Lehmann mouthing off again. Shocking, we know!

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Jens Lehmann has continued his one-man crusade to end his Arsenal career as soon as possible by once again turning to the media to moan about being left out of the first-team. A week after announcing that he would reclaim the Gunners' goalkeeping jersey for the match against Bolton, Lehmann has been busy explaining why he wasn't even on the bench.

VOTE: Which team is most likely to break into the ‘Big Four’ this season?

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With Chelsea struggling to keep their stars happy while they (supposedly) attempt to change their style of play with an unproven manager, there's a chance that another club could make it into the Big Four this season. Before a ball was kicked it was supposed to be Arsenal that were there for the taking, prompting their North London rivals to spend big in search of a Champions League spot – although things haven't quite worked out for Mr.

Champions League preview, Group H, Arsenal v Slavia Prague

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Arsenal v Slavia Prague, Tues 23 October (ko 7.45 BST) Arsenal are well placed at the top of the group with two wins and no goals conceded before tonight's home game against Slavia Prague. They didn't play that well at the weekend but still managed to win – something that the young guns couldn't do in seasons past. Robin van Persie is definitely out so either Eduardo or Alexander Hleb may be asked to support Emmanual Adebayor up front.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group E, Rangers vs Barcelona

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Rangers vs Barcelona, Tues 23 October (ko 7.45 BST) Despite having a substantial number of key players – Deco, Samuel Eto'o, Yaya Toure, Gianluca Zambrotta, Edmilson and Rafael Marquez, to name six – out injured, Barca will still take a strong squad, featuring Lionel Messi, Ronaldinho and Thierry Henry, to Ibrox to face one of the Champions League's form teams.

Shit Lookalikes: Alex Curran-Gerrard and Paris Hilton

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Stevie G's wife is on the left. The monumental waste of skin that is Paris Hilton is on the right. But they are starting to look very similar, n'est ce pas?

Champions League preview and prediction: Group F, Dynamo Kiev v Manchester United

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Dynamo Kiev v Manchester United, Tues 23 October (ko 7.45 BST) Having won their first two games, Manchester United could seal a place in Europe's next phase following this double header against Dynamo Kiev. The Ukrainian's have only been beaten once in six years by an English team (Liverpool) at home – but United are in fine form and will expect to get a result tonight.

The Tuesday Teaser

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I hope you're getting the hang of this by now. If not, then check out the previous weeks' Teasers. EASY MEDIUM HARD Answers EASY Rio Ferdinand (comprised of a still from Duran Duran's Rio video and the band Franz Ferdinand) MEDIUM Andrey Bikay (Andre 3000 from Outkast and a BK meal) HARD Ji-Sung Park (G Unit, a choir singing and a park)

Nike to buy out Umbro for £285million. Maybe England will get a decent international kit at last

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Umbro make shit kits. They look cheap and feel cheaper. They've been making England kits for ages now and they have failed to design a single strip that I like. Other nations get nice kits by Nike or adidas, but England has had to suffer Umbro for way too long. I put much of our pathetic performances on the world stage down to the fact that our kit is almost always worse than that of our opponents.

Teutonic Tuesday: Bayern pull further clear as Karlsruhe drop points

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Bayern Munich are now six points clear at the top of Bundesliga as they continued their unbeaten start to the season with a 1-2 win at VfL Bochum. Franck Ribery and Bastian Schweinsteiger were on target. Previous second-placed side Karlsruhe drew 0-0 against Arminia Bielefeld allowing Werder Bremen to move up the table after beating Hertha Berlin.

The Snapshot: Newcastle 3-1 Tottenham

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Obafemi Martins closes in on goal during Newcastle's victory over Tottenham last night. Newcastle piled the pressure on Martin Jol as they won the match 3-1 with goals from Obafemi Martins, Claudio Cacapa and James Milner. Robbie Keane grabbed Spurs's consolation. Photo Stu Forster/Getty

Botafogo's Luciano Almeida breaks his leg

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This is not to be viewed while you are eating. Botafogo left-back Luciano Almeida broke his leg at the weekend and the footage is bordering on horrific. You always know its a nasty injury when even the opposition players are holding their heads in their hands. The video starts with Almeida seemingly wearing his leg the wrong way round. Keep watching until the end to see him picking the injury lunging for a tackle and the bottom half of his leg dangling.

Horror Hair: Carlos Cuellar

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Some would argue that his hair is the least of Carlos Cuellar's concerns but Pies doesn't have a Horror Face category - not yet at least. The Spaniard is likely to line-up for Rangers against Barcelona tonight. He will be out to prove that Puyol isn't the only Spanish defender called Carlos with a dodgy hairdo. Puyol pips Cuellar for curls, but what the Rangers man lacks in ringlets he certainly makes up for in frizz.

Cristiano Ronaldo rolls around on a mattress for TV advert for Portuguese bank

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Here's football's vainest man, rolling around seductively on a mattress, for a TV ad for a Portuguese bank. Man, if he was chocolate – even crappy chocolate, like the sort you get in Kinder eggs – he would definitely eat himself. Via Kickette

In another life… Tottenham's Dimitar Berbatov would be the Man from Milk Tray

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Dimi Berbatov doesn't look like a modern footballer. In fact, he doesn't look like a modern man at all. No, the Spurs striker is a throwback to the Eighties, that cheesy decade defined by slip-on shoes (I bet he owns at least one pair), Yuppies, Duran Duran, Roger Moore as 007, and the Milk Tray Man – actually, Roger Moore's Bond was essentially the Milk Tray Man.

David Beckham to become a Tractor Boy?

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Now that Beck's first MLS season has ended in an injury plagued anti-climax, he could be on his way back to Blighty to keep his fitness up over the winter. But the destination could me more low key than his Hollywood introduction as Championship side Ipswich are preparing to invite him to train at Portland Road. The club is within easy reach of ‘Beckingham Palace' and the boss, Jim Magilton, is a good mate of Galaxy's coach, Frank Yallop.

Classic moments: Ruud Van Nistelrooy gets bullied by Arsenal

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Tempers were already frayed after the long-faced Dutchman contrived to get Patrick Viera sent off and then stepped up to take an injury time penalty with the game at 0-0. Van Nistelrooy missed – cue some schoolyard bullying from the Arsenal players led by a flying Martin Keown. Still, they did invite them back for pizza the following year.

Heroes & Villains: Premier League weekend 20-22 Oct

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HEROES Benni McCarthy After some stinging criticism of his form and attitude from manager Mark Hughes, McCarthy bounced back with two goals against Reading. Antii Niemi The Finnish keeper salvaged a point for 10-man Fulham against Derby with a series of fine saves. Kenwyne Jones Sunderland's best player by a mile against West Ham, and didn't deserve to be on the losing team.

Caption this! Liverpool fans taunt Everton fans with Tesco carrier bags

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What's with the inflated carrier bags? I guess it's a dig at Everton's new stadium plans, which also include high street shops, a hotel and a giant Tesco supermarket. Anyway, I'm sure you can come up with a fine caption for this pic...

MLS video review: best goals of the 2006/07 season

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A mixed bag, but some very fine strikes in the mix, especially from outside the box. Alan Hansen would have good reason to use his 'terrible defending' line on several occasions, but the MLS is improving in quality fast – although I would say that the standard of attacking play is far greater than in other areas. Props to Climbing the Ladder for putting it together

La Liga Lunes: Ronaldinho dropped by Barcelona, Bojan Krkic makes a name for himself, Barca still lose

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Barcelona dropped Ronaldinho for their defeat to Villareal after the Brazilian star returned late from international duty. Highly-rated youngster Bojan Krkic grabbed the opportunity with both hands by replacing Ronny and getting himself on the scoresheet. Barca still lost 3-1 though. More on Ronaldinho's absence after the jump. Here is 17-year-old Krkic finding the net: Ronaldinho and Real Madrid's Robinho were both late from international duty after attending a nightclub bash with a little too much alcohol and drug consumption for the liking of their respective clubs.

Robin van Persie is a superhero

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The often amusing Guardian Gallery has turned its attention to Robin van Persie this week. Many of the entrants couldn't help but notice that Arsenal's Dutchman shares his first name with Batman's sidekick, including this one.

The Steven Gerrard backlash: is he the new Frank Lampard?

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Not a great couple of weeks for Stevie G. He's underperformed for England (including that missed sitter in Russia), been slagged off in The Guardian, and was substituted by Rafa Benitez in the Merseyside derby on Saturday. Gerrard's reaction to being taken off was as follows: 'I was hurt and disappointed at being taken off because, like I said, I'm a local lad and the derby means everything to me.

I'm in love with Laura Esposto

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I think I'm in love with Laura Esposto, presenter of Channel Five's Football Italiano. Damn, she makes Gabby Logan look like Clare Balding. That is all.

Flying karate kick to face starts brawl

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This video from the match between Spartak Moscow and city rivals FK Moscow shows a brawl kicking off after a player launches his foot straight into an opponent's face. That's going to hurt in the morning!

In pictures: David Beckham's first season in MLS

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Hope you enjoy our photo essay of Becks's first season in LA... A David Beckham mural is seen in the window of New York's Adidas Sport Performance Store on July 12, 2007. Beckham and New Orleans Saints star Reggie Bush swap kits as they launch the new LA Galaxy strip on July 11, 2007 in Carson, California. Becks is offically announced as an LA Galaxy player at the Home Depot Stadium on July 13,2007 in Carson, California.

Franck Ribery riding a tractor in his days at Olympique Marseille

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Yes, it's Frank Ribery on that little tractor, tearing up the Marseille pitch at the end of the 2006/07 season. No Baby Bentley for our Franck, he's a more agricultural type of player, in looks if not his style of play. Spotted over at The Offside

Awesome free-kick video compilation

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A great video collection of cutely worked free-kicks, proving that some coaches have more imagination than others – I love the one where the guy flicks the dead ball over his own head. Great to see a YouTube compilation video put together with such care, too – there are some real crackers in there. Via The Beautiful Game

THE VOTE Has David Beckham's first MLS season been a success?

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So how to review David Beckham's first season in the MLS? Well, it was hit and miss, wasn't it? Mostly miss to be honest. Becks played just 252 minutes all season (Landon Donovan played 2191 minutes) and didn't score a single league goal, but still picked up a guaranteed $5.5m in wages. And LA Galaxy didn't make the post season. On the plus side, Beckham's arrival has generated huge attention and revenue – merchandising, advertising etc.

Horror Hair: Stephen Hunt

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The latest in the Stephen Ireland Horror Hair scandal in the helpful input of Reading midfielder Stephen Hunt. Hunt has had his say on the rumours that Ireland had been bullied over his miraculous advancing hairline, pointing out: "There wasn't even that. There was no banter about his hair, nothing was said about his hair. It's grown four inches in a year.

The Snapshot: West Ham 3-1 Sunderland

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Nolberto Solano celebrates as his shot rebounds in off of distraught goalkeeper Craig Gordon for an own goal during the Premier League match between West Ham and Sunderland at Upton Park on October 21, 2007. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

Classic Moments: Jose Mourinho slaps Carles Poyol

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I miss Jose, and this is just one reason why. Puyol is one of those players who needs a slap, and The Special One duly obliges, in the tunnel before one of those 'don't come much bigger than this' (Clive Tyldesley©) Chelsea vs Barcelona Champions League nights. Thanks Jose, from all of us.

Chicago Fire 1-0 LA Galaxy: David Beckham is not going to the play-offs

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David Beckham is not going to the play-offs. LA Galaxy needed to beat Chicago Fire in their final match of the season; they didn't. A goal by the Fire's John Thorrington – who, ironically, used to play for Man Utd at the same time as Beckham was there, albeit in the youth team and reserves – put the cap on the Galaxy's Jekyll & Hyde season.

French Football Friday: France in a good position to qualify for Euro 2008 after two wins

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The France national team head Group B after winning their two recent games. On Saturday they whipped the Faroe Islands 5-0 and on Wednesday Thierry Henry inspired them to a 2-0 win over Lithuania. Henry's celebrations were ruined as he was chased around by a small, ugly man (see above). Lithuania show how not to play against Thierry Henry: value="#000000" name="bgcolor">

10 reasons why we can win rugby World Cups and not football ones

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1 Our footballers are overpaid, supposedly world class player playing beneath the standards they set at their clubs. The rugby players are generally decent professionals playing above themselves. 2 We are great at kicking the ball over the crossbar. It's just that in rugby that scores you points, but in football it usually means you are knocked out of the tournament.

LA Galaxy draw 1-1 with New York Red Bulls, still in play-off race… just

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David Beckham came off the bench in the second half of this crunch MLS game, but he couldn't inspire the Galaxy to the win they needed to stay in play-off contention. LA still has a slim chance to make the post season though – they have to beat Chicago in their final game and hope that other results go their way; a win for Dallas and a win/draw for Salt Lake would suit them fine, but Becks' chances of seeing much more action this season look slim.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Bolton Wanderers, Celtic, Everton, Sunderland, Everton (current). Whose career? 2 Tim Cahill's younger brother Chris is the captain of which national football team? 3 The 'Bushwackers' hooligan firm are famously affiliated to which English club? 4 What links Gabriel Heinze, Ronaldinho, Jaj Jay Okocha, George Weah, Ossie Ardiles and Ray Wilkins?

Pies v Lawro, Premier League predictions

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GAME OF THE WEEK Everton v Liverpool Lawro 1-1, Pies 1-1 Local hostilities will be resumed in this weekend's biggest game – the Merseyside derby. It's a shame that it's come straight after an international break, which usually leaves players below par. Gerrard often makes the difference but he'll still be mourning England's loss so we have to agree with Lawro this time and yet another draw for title chasing Liverpool.

Classic moments: Thierry Henry's back heel goal

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This week we've shown you some classic moments from some of the Premier League's greatest ever imports including Dennis Bergkamp and Eric Cantona. Now it's Thierry's turn – remember him? The Arsenal icon scored so many scorchers we couldn't decide on which one to show but this deserves a place for sheer ingenuity – let us know of a better one.

In another life… Steve McClaren would be a National Express coach driver

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I've always imagined Steve McClaren as a National Express coach driver. Don't ask me why... he just looks like one, doesn't he? Not the miserable sort who won't let you put your mixtape on the coach stereo, though. He'd always have a smile for pensioners and wouldn't break the speed limit. Steve will be out of work soon, so he should brush up on his Highway Code.

Come up with a caption: Jose Mourinho and Peter Kenyon share a joke

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"Have you heard the one about the Englishman, Portuguese and Russian?" Let us know if you have a more fitting caption for the two former Chelsea comrades

Giorgio Armani visits Chelsea

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Chelsea have taught Jose Mourinho a lesson he won't forget. Just in case you had forgotten here is one of his parting shots to the club: "...Chelsea, a cosmopolitan club, with fans famous around the world, like Bryan Adams, Claudia Schiffer and Chelsea, the daughter of former president Clinton. And there's a common denominator among them all – they're foreigners, which fits in with the general profile of the fan of the club.

Ricardinho shows how not to take a corner

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There are good corners and there are bad corners. This effort from Ricardinho falls into that latter category. [Via FourFourTwo]

HolloWatch: Ollie turns Jamie Oliver to tackle obesity

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In his latest BBC Column, Ian Holloway has been talking about obesity. The Plymouth Argyle manager has been playing Jamie Oliver as he tries to kick the nation's kids into shape. And he has pinpointed the cause of the problem in Plymouth. He said: "Is there an obesity problem? I'm looking around and thinking, is there an obesity problem? Is there a drink problem?

The Steven Gerrard backlash begins with this video compilation of his 'man of the match' performance against Estonia

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Put together by an Everton fan perhaps? I have to agree with his assessment though. The headless chicken description is apt.

Could Wayne Rooney be England's jinx?

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He may be the most gifted player of his generation but why is Wayne Rooney always involved for the wrong reasons when England go out of a major tournament, or possibly qualifying match? The early signs were good when he burst on to the international scene – man of the match against Turkey to secure a draw that took us to Euro 2004 where he set the tournament alight.

Gazzetta all di Pies: A comfortable week for the Azzurri

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World champions Italy have had a relatively easy week. A comfortable 2-0 win over Georgia in the Euro 2008 qualifier followed by Scotland's defeat to them has strengthened their chances of reaching the tournament. And while the Scots were losing against Georgia, Italy put in a dominant performance to beat South Africa 2-0 in a friendly. This was despite the fact that Antonio di Natale had his legs on the wrong way round for the Georgia match!

VOTE: Who's to blame for England's defeat against Russia?

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We don't want to sound like a baying mob after blood the moment our Euro 2008 hopes seem to have disappeared – but surely someone is going to be made a scapegoat. As far as we can see there could be six main culprits responsible for ruining next summer. Steve McClaren seems the obvious choice (if not the FA for appointing him in the first place) but Pies isn't one for knee jerk reaction – so where else can we point the finger of the blame?

Luis Aragones bitches about Raul. Oops, is that a TV camera at the back there?

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Luis Aragones has had a bit of a Craig Bellamy moment. No, he hasn't be attacking people with golf clubs, but he has been caught out making off-the-cuff comments which he didn't know were being recorded. Under pressure from fans - including one with a Raul mask - about the Real Madrid striker falling out-of-favour, Aragones said: "Do you know how many World Cups Raul has been to?

Shall we all become Brazil fans? We could be celebrating a 5-0 win today

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Oh to be a Brazil fan! Life must be so easy. While England suffered defeat in Russia, Brazil trounced Ecuador 5-0 yesterday. And there would be no complaints about artificial surfaces if you were a Brazil player/fan - these boys play the same whether its on grass, fake grass or the beach. The fourth goal comes courtesy of the Premiership's newest star, Elano (imported by one Sven-Goran Eriksson).

Russia vs England: the picture player ratings

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Paul Robinson Joleon Lescott Micah Richards, Rio Ferdinand & Sol Campbell Shaun Wright-Phillips & Joe Cole Steven Gerrard Gareth Barry Wayne Rooney Michael Owen Steve McClaren

Shit lookalike: Wayne Rooney and Alexander Kerzhakov

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Kerzhakov is known as the Russian Wayne Rooney in his home country - apparently for his size and appearance rather than his ferocious volleys and mistimed tackles, although by the looks of it Coleenska got the better deal

Shit Lookalikes: the German football team and England's rugby union team

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Both are ugly winning machines, unloved by the rest of the world. The English football team and the German rugby team are also very similar, ie. both are shit.

Kit Parade: Israel

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With England's hopes of qualifying for Euro 2008 seemingly in tatters and now reliant on results elsewhere, there is only one thing for it. We have to throw all our weight behind Israel (known technically as doing a George W Bush) and hope that they can spare our blushes by beating Russia. This, of course, makes the huge assumption that England are capable of beating Croatia at home.

VOTE: Can England still qualify for Euro 2008?

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It's out of our hands now but there's still an anorexic chance that we will make it to next year's Finals – If Russia fail to get a result away to Israel and we win our last game at home (while pigs fly) we could still scrape through. Do you believe?

Try to beat Gianluigi Buffon in Puma's new game

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In a variation on the traditional time-wasting internet penalty shootout game, Puma have come up with this slightly addictive alternative. Rather than computer graphics you pick your spot against a video of Gianluigi Buffon. I'm not convinced its based on skill as it seems to be fairly random, but if he saves a few you are faced with demeaning messages and if you score a few you see Gigi throwing tantrums.

Gallery: Where it all went wrong for England against Russia

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Here's a Tony Hart style take on the defining moments from last night's game Steven Gerrard misses a glorious opportunity to put England 2-0 up. Wayne Rooney can't hide his guilt for giving away a dubious penalty after clearly tackling Konstantin Zyrianov outside the box. Paul Robinson's parry falls straight into the path of Pavlyuchenko to complete a mad four minutes where we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory Micah Richards is a toe away from scoring the equaliser

Russia 2-1 England: the kneejerk reaction – don't blame Steve McClaren

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Hate to say I told you so, but... I told you so. I've read a fair bit of response on footy forums to England's painful defeat in Moscow, and most of the blame seems to be aimed at Steve McClaren. This is nonsense. McClaren steered England to five consecutive 3-0 wins, had the balls to bring in Gareth Barry and drop Frank Lampard, and in my opinion got the tactics just about spot-on tonight.

Sammy Lee leaves – who should be Bolton's next manager?

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The writing's been on the wall for a while but Little Sammy has failed to shine from beneath Big Sam's shadow and has parted company ‘by mutual consent' after Bolton's struggling start to the season. Only goal difference is keeping Bolton from bottom of the table as the chairman, Phil Gartside's plan to promote from within appears to have back-fired.

Come up with a caption: Steve McLaren faces his critics

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"It's my ball and I don't wanna play anymore" We had a massive response when we asked you to come up with a caption for our pic of Paul Robinson yesterday – Let us know what you think McLaren is thinking

Should David Beckham be in LA Galaxy's starting XI against New York?

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Galaxy head coach Frank Yallop has warned fit-again Becks that he won't walk back into the Galaxy's starting line-up. The Galaxy have been in fine form without Beckham – five wins on the trot – and can make the play-offs with wins in their final two regular season matches, against New York (Thursday) and Chicago (Sunday). Beckham's fitness is rated 'close to being 100%' by Yallop, and the English midfielder took a full part in Galaxy training this week.

World Cup 2010 qualifier: Venezuela 0-2 Argentina

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A fine away win for Argentina, thanks to goals from Gabriel Milito and then Lionel Messi, who twatted the ball as hard as his little leg could manage. Argentina go top of the South American qualifying group, but then they have played one more game than most of their rivals.

John Terry is out injured - how will England's defence cope?

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England's make or break game against Russia tonight is one comeback too soon for 'Iron Man in the Mask', John Terry - the England captain broke down in training last night and has been ruled out by McLaren. Before then, all team talk had centred on what the midfield partnership would be and whether Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney could gel in time – but now it's how our previously impregnable defence will cope without half its first team regulars.

The Snapshot: England train on Russia's artificial pitch

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Steven Gerrard and England team-mates take part in a training session on the artificial pitch at the Luzhniki Stadium on 16 October, 2007 in Moscow, Russia. Photo Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Classic moment: Dennis Bergkamp's goal against Newcastle

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Just in case you'd forgotten just how good the non-Flying Dutchman was - apparently Newcastle's Niko Dabizas still has a crick in his neck! Let us know if you can think of a better goal scored in the Premier League

Chris Kamara doesn't know what the hell is going on at Fulham vs Middlesbrough

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It's like Chris Kamara's shirt collar is so stiff that he can hardly turn his head to see what's going on. For some reason, this clip makes me laugh out loud.

Shit Lookalikes: Gareth Barry and Captain Scarlet

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One is an indestructible English hero... the other is Captain Scarlet... Ahh, the old ones are the best. By the way, here are a few things I learned about Captain Scarlet on Wikipedia: 'His real name is Paul Metcalfe. He has black hair and blue eyes, and speaks with an English accent and is said to be from Winchester in Hampshire, England, born on 17 December 2036.

How much is Michael Owen worth?

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We always thought it odd that no Premier League clubs came in for Owen before the season started, especially since he was apparently available at a knock down £9m. Sure, he's been out injured for a while but the little fella loves serving up humble pie and he will always score you goals. Earlier this week, there was talk that the same buy out clause would let him leave Newcastle for as little as £6m – but the club have now said that there's nothing in his contract that will let him go on the cheap.

VOTE: Who is the world’s best striker?

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Our search for the world's greatest players has reached the business end as we ask you to vote for who you think is the best striker in world football. So far, your votes for our dream team poll have put Gianluigi Buffon between the sticks, Jamie Carragher marshalling the defence with Owen Hargreaves as the holding midfielder, Juninho to take the free-kicks and Lionel Messi playing in the hole.

Mad football chairmen XI

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Most fans and managers will tell you that the best chairman is one that quietly does his business behind the scenes – but there are some who like to assert their authority beyond the boardroom. Since they own, ar at least run the club, they could be forgiven for trying to live out a few childhood fantasies but power can be a dangerous thing in the hands of the wrong people – as any Leeds fan will tell you.

Come up with a caption: Paul Robinson prepares for England

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"Excuse me, could I get a clean change of underwear?" Let us know if you've got a more fitting caption for England's troubled goalkeeper

The Tuesday Teaser

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It's simple – guess the footballer from each set of devious picture clues. Lateral thinking is required. (If that makes no sense, check out last week's Teaser to get the gist of it.) 1 2 3 Answers below... Answers 1 Robin van Persie (comprised of Robin Williams, the Scooby Doo van and Percy the Tank Engine) 2 Titus Bramble (Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and a bramble bush) 3 Tom Huddlestone (Tom Waits, a huddle and Joss Stone) How did you fare with those?

Classic England v Russia Moment: Matt Le Tissier's hat-trick, 1998

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The England B international between England and Russia in 1998 saw Matt Le Tissier staking his claim for a place in Glenn Hoddle's 1998 World Cup squad. Despite scoring a hat-trick in a 4-1 victory, and fans unfurling a banner urging 'Please pick Le God, Hod', Le Tiss was left out of the squad. Here is his third goal of the match against Russia.

Sky Sports' Clare Tomlinson signed off work after Stephen Bywater says the C word live on air

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Sky's Clare Tomlinson, one of the better female football broadcasters in the country, has been signed off work on medical grounds for an expected two months due to stress and depression. Just so we're clear, and Sky's lawyers don't come-a-knocking, it' been made clear that Tomlinson had not been disciplined for her part in the infamous Stephen Bywater C-word incident – the Derby keeper said c**t live on air during a recent episode of Goals on Sunday, but Tomlinson made no apology at the time.

Pies vs Lawro: England vs Russia

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Lawro sits on the fence and predicts a 1-1 draw, saying: 'I think England are playing well at the moment and enjoying the run of the ball and I do not expect them to lose... Russia looked distinctly average at Wembley - Steve McClaren's team were better in all areas.' Prediction Russia 1-1 England On behalf of Pies, may I strike a note of pessimism and predict that the Russia who turned up at Wembley will look nothing like the Russia who will turn up tomorrow.

Cult Hero: Lev Yashin, Russia's greatest ever goalkeeper

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Actually, make that the world's greatest ever keeper. Yashin, who played for Dynamo Moscow his entire career, remains the only goalie to win the European Player of the Year. He also had a great secret to saving penalties, a skill at which he excelled: 'Have a smoke to calm your nerves, then toss back a strong drink to tone your muscles.' A genuine football legend.

The England boo-boys' XI

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With the Wembley crowd harrassing Frank Lampard against Estonia on Saturday, Pies looks at an England XI who have had to cope with being booed by their own fans. The message seems to be: don't be an England midfielder if you're not thick-skinned! Gary Neville Red Nev fell victim to the boy-boys when England's travelling circus visited Anfield while the new Wembley was being built.

HolloWatch: Ian Holloway teaches you how to give a team-talk

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Plymouth manager Ian Holloway has prepared a series of team-talk videos to appear on the internet in order to pass on his motivational skills. Ollie has recorded four team-talks to suit different scenarios as part of Carling's Halftime with Holloway initiative. The rants are intended to inspire pub team managers. Click here to watch the videos.

VOTE: What's the best football film ever?

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Manchester United may have just signed up to feature in a Bollywood movie but, considering the game's universal appeal, there haven't been too many films dedicated to football. Perhaps it's difficult to find footballers who can act, David Beckham take note, or actors who can play football, Sean Bean is an exception – but we can whittle our favourite footie films down to a select six.

Classic Moments: Eric Cantona's goal against Sunderland

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It's been over 10 years since Le King of Manchester United scored this classic – the audacious chip will take your breath away but it's Cantona's expression of grandure just after that really makes it

Who has the best chance of qualifying for Euro 2008 – England or Scotland?

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If we'd asked this before the Euro qualifiers began, an Englishman would have laughed while a Scotsman put on a brave but disbelieving face...not sure what the Irishman would have done, probably something stupid. But, with only two games to go it's the Scots that surprisingly top their table in a group that includes France and Italy no less.

Teutonic Tuesday: Germany qualify for Euro 2008

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No Bundesliga action this week, but Germany did become the first side to qualify for Euro 2008 (aside from the hosts, of course) after a 0-0 draw in Dublin against the Republic of Ireland. The lack of goals in the match perhaps helps to explain how Jens Lehmann found time work on his levitation. More from Mad Jens after the click. Arsenal keeper Jens Lehmann has become the first name on the Arsenal team-sheet for the match against Bolton on Saturday, even if Arsene Wenger doesn't know anything about it yet.

The funniest injury ever...

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... or so proclaims the maker of this video/photo. How he got himself into this position we do not know. I would like to think he had been thrown javelin style by his goalkeeper after some poor defending. Your own theories are welcome.

So The Sun's 4-3-3 story was bollocks – England will play 4-4-2 against Russia

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The Sun's 'exclusive' story that England would recall Frank Lampard in a 4-3-3 formation for tomorrow's Euro 2008 qualifier against Russia would appear to be bollocks. It's no great surprise that The Sun should get it so wrong; they took a gamble and got it wrong. It's more of a surprise that Steve McClaren has grown a full set of balls and decided to keep Lampard out of the starting XI.

Horror Hair conspiracies: Stephen Ireland, part two

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When we gave Stephen Ireland our usual Horror Hair treatment last week we thought we were just indulging in a little harmless mickey-taking at the expense of a guy who had clearly had some sort of baldness treatment/hair transplant. When we linked the mystery of his reappearing hair to the mystery of his reappearing grandmothers it was purely in jest.

Jimmy Bullard cracks up during a TV interview

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Cue Denis Norden with clipboard/pithy comment. Taken from a regional news show when Jimmy was playing for Peterborough United.

Moritz Volz sticks it to Sepp Blatter

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Go on Volzy, my son. Pies hero, superstar diarist and Fulham player, Moritz Volz, has been using his column on the Times' website to voice his distaste for Sepp Blatter - a distate shared by Pies and most right-minded football fans. The issue particularly concerning Volzy, though there are many to choose from, is Blatter's plans to limit the number of foreign players in starting line-ups.

THE VOTE Should England play 4-3-3 against Russia?

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What's this? A new, untried formation on a plastic pitch in a crucial away qualifier? Yes, it can only be the latest episode of the soap opera that is Team England. Just as the Croatia away game was not the time to experiment with a 5-3-2 formation, I don't believe that Wednesday's Euro 2008 qualifier is the time to go with a 4-3-3 formation, purely to accommodate Frank Lampard in the midfield but without dropping Gareth 'Every time I play for England I get the man of the match award' Barry.

La Liga Lunes: Spain beat Denmark 1-3

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No La Liga action this week, of course, but a new-ish look Spain side did manage a 1-3 away win against Denmark. Raul Tamudo returned from a two-year international absence to open the scoring, Albert Riera made his debut and found the net and centre-back Raul Albiol also made his bow. Spain are now second in Group F, level on points with Sweden having played a game more.

Shit Lookalikes: Jimmy Bullard and Paul Nicholas

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I miss Jimmy Bullard, but not as much as Fulham have missed him. Football's cheekiest chap is due to return from injury next month for Fulham. By the way, for our younger readers, Paul Nicholas is a former TV star/stage actor/pop star type, best-known for his roles in Just Good Friends, famous for being one of the least funny sitcoms of all time.

Will Russia’s artificial pitch affect England’s chances?

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There's been plenty of talk about the artificial surface being used at the Luzhniki Stadium for England's decisive Euro 2008 qualifier against Russia this week. Extreme weather conditions have apparently forced the Russians to opt for an artificial surface called FieldTurf – but is it a calculated gamble aimed at trying to disorientate the English team?

Venezuela's Jose Manuel Rey scores free kick from near centre-circle

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This is just incredible! Venezuela defender Jose Manuel Rey secured victory against Ecuador at the weekend with this goal, which was worthy of winning any match. Rey sets himself to take the free-kick, picks his spot and blasts the ball into the net - from near the centre-circle. The Ecuadorians knew what was coming and formed a wall, but there was nothing they could do to stop it.

England 3-0 Estonia: XI conclusions

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1 Saturday's result was a decent result against poor opposition. A better second half performance would have been good, but the victory was secured. 2 Steve McClaren's 3-0 specialists seem to have kept their boss's job safe for a little while longer. 3 Having said that, if they manage to mess up qualification from here, don't expect him to be in the job much longer.

THE VOTE Who should be England's left-back against Russia?

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With Ashley Cole ruled out of England's match against Russia with a dodgy ankle, Steve McClaren has a selection headache. Given that you sorted out his midfield problem so effectively, we thought we would put this to the Pies public as well. Phil Neville is by far the most experienced candidate, but he does have the disadvantage of being Phil Neville.

The Snapshot: The Leipzig derby, featuring the scariest mascot ever

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Man alive, Germany club FC Sachsen Leipzig has the scariest looking mascot I've ever seen. What the hell is it? It looks like a mange-ridden lion. Mascots are supposed to be friendly and approachable, but that thing looks like the stuff of nightmares. For the record, visitors Loko Leipzig won the Leipzig derby 3-1. Photo Getty Images

Poland U21 vs Spain U21: Poland's U21 keeper thinks he's Ronaldinho. He's not

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Once a goalkeeper, always a goalkeeper... Whilst indulging in a spot of ill-advised, Rene Higuita-style chicanery outside his box, Poland's U21 goalie suddenly remembered that he wasn't a playmaker and used his hand to help him evade a Spanish attacker. The officials spotted his f**k-up and sent him off. The score was 0-0 at the time – unsurprisingly Spain went on to win, 2-0.

Shit Lookalikes: Kriss Akabusi and Darren Bent

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Thanks to Pies reader Rusty for this gem.

LA Galaxy 2-1 Toronto: Who needs Beckham? LA Galaxy win fifth game in a row, could still make play-offs

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After a truly horrible start to the season, LA Galaxy has finally woken up. In beating Toronto 2-1 at the Home Depot Center, Team Becks recorded its fifth straight win – albeit without Becks in the team. Against the odds, the Galaxy can qualify for the playoffs if it wins its final two matches against New York Red Bulls and Chicago Fire this week.

When football commentators go crazy

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We might have Jonathan Pearce but his passion for the game is like a childhood crush compared to the no holds barred devotion displayed by these crazy commentators – look out for the Arabic guy gatecrashing Rooney's birthday celebrations

Shit lookalike: Eric Cantona and Sebastian Chabel

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Only the shape of these bearded Frenchman's balls separate them

David Beckham could return for LA Galaxy's crunch match against New York on Thursday

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David Beckham could make his LA Galaxy comeback this Thursday against Red Bull New York. Becks is reportedly close to full fitness and may figure in the Galaxy's must-win clash against New York this Thursday, which is followed by the potential play-off decider against Chicago Fire on Sunday. Beckham, pictured here with team-mate Abel Xavier after LA's 2-1 win against Toronto, said: 'I can sprint and run and I now I just need to work on striking and passing the ball a bit more.

Football's Greatest Songs, No.2: You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers and Hammerstein

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Liverpool, and to a lesser extent Celtic fans have made this song their own. It's taken from the musical Carousel, although most people in the UK are more aware of it from cover versions, most notably the one performed by Gerry & the Pacemakers. Other artists who have covered the song include Aretha Franklin (whose version was played at John Peel's funeral; Peel was a fervent Red), Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley and, last but not least, Robson & Jerome.

The end of Preston's plastic pitch at Deepdale

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With England set to play Russia on an artificial surface on Wednesday, what better time that to post this charming regional news report on the demise of Preston North End's plastic pitch.

Horror Hair: Andrei Stepanov (Estonia)

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What would happen if you tried to tie-dye your head

Shit lookalike: Ronaldinho and Donkey from Shrek

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Could easily double as Wayne Rooney's comical sidekick

French Football Friday: Lyon and Nancy neck-and-neck

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Lyon and Nancy are joint top of Ligue 1 on 22 points, although the camper-sounding side do have a game in hand. Nancy returned from their Friday night trip to Monaco with three points, while OL won 3-1 at Bordeaux. As you can see, the latter game was overshadowed by Lyon players interupting game to compare the relative merits of their backsides.

Club Pies post of the day: Shit Lookalikes – WAG Martina Cech and Alan Partridge's girlfriend Sonja

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'We'd like to thank Baz on our comment boards for spotting this one. Quite uncanny. Sonja, Alan's eastern European girlfriend was a big fan of James Bond, sex and handbags, while alas we know sweet FA about what Martina Cech [Petr Cech's missus] is into. We're also guessing Sonja's a Norwich City supporter, but we need confirmation on this. Any Partridge fans out there, please let us know.

Classic Moments: Gary Neville blanks former team-mate Peter Schmeichel

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The Neviller and Schmeichs played together at Old Trafford for years, so you'd think young Gary would at least shake Peter's hand when it's generously offered in the tunnel. Are you f**king kidding me?! This is the Manc derby and there's no way Citizen Neville, the most ardent Red in the union, would ever forego his professionalism to greet an old friend.

Vote for Pies in the Blogger's Choice Awards

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Just because Gordon Brown has had a change of heart it doesn't mean you can't use your vote this autumn - just vote for Pies instead! We have been nominated in the Best Sports Blog category (well, we would have worried if we had found ourselves in the Best Animal Blog section) in the Blogger's Choice Awards. So if you love/loathe our Shit Lookalikes, dig our vids or simply long to be kept up to date with Ian Holloway's every move you know what to do!

International football preview and betting guide: England v Estonia, Euro 2008 qualfier

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England v Estonia (Sat 13 October, Wembley Stadium, K.O 3pm BST) Mark Lawrenson cautiously predicts a 2-0 win for England, and it's hard not to agree with him this time. Estonia will surely play with damage limitation in mind, keen not to repeat the 3-0 win they suffered at home, so, in the words of Alan Hansen, 'England have to be patient, keep the ball and wait for gaps to appear.

Pies' top 50 favourite football chants, part 1

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There are so many great football chants that raise a smile here at Pies Towers. I've compiled list of 50 of our favourites, in no particular order. Here's part one of that list... 'In the town, called Sunderland, There lived a man with a monkey's heid, And they called him Peter Reid' Geordies and Boro lads alike would taunt Mackems with this pearl.

VOTE: Can Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney play together?

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On paper, it's the perfect partnership with Rooney creating from deep and Owen clinically finishing in the box – but when they play together the goals just don't seem to flow. Owen only averages a goal for every 201 minutes with Rooney, which is less than he manages with any other regular England strike partner. The little man is at his best with a big man up front – he scores once every 82 minutes with Heskey and once every 90 minutes with Crouch.

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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The FFQ usually consists of just six fiendish questions. However, I'm now expanding it to ten fiendish questions. Translation: It's bigger and more fiendish than ever. Enjoy... 1 Banfield, River Plate, Feyenoord, Bologna, Inter (current). Whose career? 2 Which Premier League striker's first name translates as 'The king loves me'? 3 What relation is 'Sir' Les Ferdinand to Anton and Rio Ferdinand?

England's selection issues discussed by the man who really matters... Stan Collymore

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Yes indeed. Daily Mirror columnist Stanley Victor Collymore gives us the run down on England's possible line-up against Estonia. Does he say John Terry will get arrested?! Oi fur wun think whoever wrote Stan's autocue used the phrase 'I for one' too often. Pies cannot accept responsibility for any damage caused when you put your fist through your computer screen while watching this video.

Chris Kamara does karaoke

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Here is former footballer and current exciteable Sky Sports reporter Chris Kamara singing Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl on karaoke. Just look at that stage presence. [Via Guardian] Proof that Kam really doesn't need to sing for his supper.

THE VOTE Are the Dida and Celtic punishments fair?

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In what seems to be a relatively swift and bureaucracy free process, Uefa has announced that Celtic have been fined £25,000 after a fan ran onto the pitch and tapped AC Milan goalkeeper Dida during their recent Champions League match. Dida himself has been hit with a two-match ban for the histrionics which saw him briefly chase the fan before collapsing and being carried off on a stretcher.

The Snapshot: Germany head coach Joachim Loew tries to dive into a football

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'Visualise the ball, become the ball, be at one with the ball...' I don't know what Joachim is up to here, but I like it – it looks like he's attempting to dive into that football, like a little shrinking German pixie. Lovely. Photo Bongarts/Getty Images

The mad goalkeepers XI

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Goalkeepers have always been the weirdies in a team, the men between the sticks lead a solitary and insular existence that tends to produce eccentric characters. It must have something to do with being a footballer who doesn't really use his feet, having to train separately or always being the first to blame when a goal goes in and the furthest away from any celebrations at the other end.

Premier League flops of the season (so far)

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A couple of days ago I posted my Prem team of the season so far. Today, I've done a flops of the season - it's not rocket science, is it? GK Paul Robinson (Spurs) Eighteen goals conceded in nine games, a litany of mistakes and a general lack of positional awareness/sharpness mean that Robbo comfortably wins selection as our flops' custodian.

Shit lookalike: Theo Walcott and Lewis Hamilton

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Both of them feel the need for speed and share the same haircut and baby faced complexion – might be earning millions but they'd still struggle to get served in the off-license

The tall footballers XI

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Pies offers up a team of lanky players who are literally head-and-shoulders above any opposition they come up against. Some would say Sam Allardyce spent most of his time at Bolton doing this, but we don't care - we're doing it anyway. Konstantinos Chalkias The Greek keeper had an unsuccessful spell at Portsmouth a couple of years (well, time spent playing second fiddle to Sander Westerweld can hardly be deemed successful, can it?

Are Oliver Kahn and Jens Lehman the most annoying goalkeepers ever?

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It's feud that has been simmering and frequently boiling over for years but the hostilities between Germany's top two goalkeepers have resumed once again. Since being dropped from the Arsenal team, Jens Lehman has sought attention elsewhere by criticising Oliver Kahn in Monday's Spiegel magazine. Apparently, ‘Mad Jens' doesn't like the way the Bayern keeper 'considers himself to be so important'.

The Snapshot: Germany prepare for their away game against the Republic of Ireland

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Stefan Kiessling, Mario Gomez and Marcel Jansen stretch during a Germany training session in Berlin. The Germans play the Rep. of Ireland on Saturday in a crunch Euro 2008 qualifier. Rainbow Rhythms, anyone? Photo Andreas Rentz/Bongarts/Getty Images

Richard Keys f**ks up and plays a prank on Jamie Redknapp

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Stick with this video, which begins with Richard Keys famously slagging off the Faroe Islands ('Daft little ground, silly game, fuck off!'), just for the prank Keys plays on Jamie 'sharpest tool in the box' Redknapp at the end. 'Awww, he's a fucker, ain't he!' Yes Jamie, he sure is. Or, if time is short, just fast forward it to around three and a half minutes in and watch it from there.

Guy gets ball in the face

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The lowest form of humour perhaps – but we dare you not to crack a smile when this bloke takes one in the face. It's only four seconds of fun with three sounds you need to listen out for – boot hits ball, ball hits post and then the obvious ending

Gordon McQueen goes nuts when Scotland score against France

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Impartial reporting at its very best...

Scottish footballer Richie Hart admits possessing cocaine

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Inverness Caledonian Thistle player Richie Hart has pleaded guilty to possessing cocaine. The 29-year-old was fined £300 after being found in his BMW car with cocaine worth £80 at a Scottish music festival. Police found some of the cocaine on a CD in the car after noticing Hart acting suspiciously. Hart has been suspended by Caley. Hart is the latest footballer to claim after getting caught that their cocaine use was an isolated incident.

George Best, Ryan Giggs, Barry Ferguson - spot the odd one out

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Sorry I had to squeeze this quote all the way down here but Barry Ferguson's big head got in the way. He said: "People always say it's a shame someone as talented as Ryan Giggs or George Best before him never played in a World Cup or European Championship and I don't want my name to be added to that list." Don't flatter yourself, Bazza.

Gazzetta all di Pies: AC Milan wouldn't mind winning the league after all

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Champions League-obsessed AC Milan have given the first indication that they might actually care about Serie A with an emphatic 5-1 win over Lazio. The Rossoneri are still down in eighth - while city rivals Inter top the table seven points ahead of them - but this was certainly a better performance. Goal-shy striker Alberto Gilardino, without a goal in five months, found the net twice in the rout to break his duck.

Sky News reporter gets bundled over by football mascots at 9th Mascot Grand National

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Sky's Derek Tedder gets some special attention from the participants at this year's annual Mascot Grand National, more of which later. Via mCalcio

Mackey Wacky the Bear wins 9th annual Mascot Grand National for Saffron Walden FC. With video highlights

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Dressed in a costume made by his mum (bless), the winner in this year's Mascot Grand National in Huntingdon – and event that grows and grows by the year – is Darren Forster, aka Mackey Wacky the Bear. The 34-year-old Sunderland fan, representing Saffron Walden Town FC, won by 10 lengths in the splendid time of 53 seconds. Good work Mackey.

Classic Moments: Harry the Hornet wins the 2000 Mascot Grand National

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Today is turning out to be Mascot Grand National Day on Pies, and that's no bad thing. Here's a YouTube clip of the 2000 MGN, which turned out to be the tightest finish in the event's history. A brave effort from Cyril the Swan (Swansea's mascot), who looked like a winner until Harry the Hornet (Watford) stormed to victory with a perfectly timed sprint finish.

Ridiculous Rumours: Chelsea will pay £100m for Kaka

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Most ridiculous football rumour of the day, without doubt, is the Daily Express's story that Avram Grant wants to buy Kaka from AC Milan, 'even if it costs him £100 million'. The Express's 'source' (some bloke down a pub in Fulham, perhaps?) said: 'Kaka is certainly a long-term target, and if there is any chance of getting him then Avram will try to make it happen.

Go on. Tackle him, son. He won't get anywhere without his neck

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You will often hear commentators and managers bemoaning a reckless knee-high tackle, so I can only imagine the reaction to this assault. It can only be described as a neck-high scissor tackle. This challenge is too extreme even for the wrestling ring.

MLS round up: New England Revolution beat FC Dallas to win US Open Cup

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Last week was the final of the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup, which is like the American's version of the FA Cup named after a founding member of the MLS – and it's surprisingly been going since 1914! The competition features 40 teams with 16 amateur sides and 24 professional sides – but only eight MLS teams. And this year the final was between the New England Revolution and FC Dallas.

THE VOTE Right now, who is the most valuable footballer in the world?

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The silly rumour that Chelsea would sign Kaka for up to £100m got me thinking. Which player is worth the most money right now? I've put together a shortlist of potential candidates – all you have to do is click and register your vote. If you think I've missed someone off the list (I haven't), then add a furious comment. (For the record, I voted for little Leo Messi.

Shit Lookalikes: Ryan from The Office (US version) and Juninho Pernambucano

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Thanks to Ben Chinn for this one. I can kind of see the resemblence... if I squint... and turn the lights off. No, seriously, it works for me – it is indeed a shit lookalike.

Do LA Galaxy need David Beckham back?

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When Becks first arrived in Hollywood he was supposed to play the lead role in a classic comeback – rescuing the team from their troubled start and taking them to a trophy...fade to credits. Then, the knee he sacrificed for a Spanish Liga title produced a few injury sequels that have restricted him to mere cameo performances since – threatening to ruin any happy ending that the Galaxy had planned.

Oranje Wednesday: Heerenveen stick nine past Heracles, Feyenoord go top

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There is no doubting the big news in the Eredivisie this week. As reported by Pies earlier this week (because sometimes you just can't keep these things a secret until a Wednesday!), Heerenveen thrashed Heracles 9-0 with Brazilian striker Alfonso Alves weighing in with no fewer than SEVEN of the goals. Elsewhere, Ajax slipped off the top of the table after sharing the points with Sparta in a 2-2 draw.

THE VOTE Who should partner Steven Gerrard in England's midfield?

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David Pleat has put together an interesting scouting guide on England's midfield quandry in his column on the Guardian's website. The former kerb-crawling Spurs manager has rated Frank Lampard and Gareth Barry on various aspects of their game to decide who is best-suited to partner Steven Gerrard. Pleat gives Lampard the better marks (but feel free to disagree with him.

Shit Lookalike: Nicolas Anelka and the Hindu goddess Kali

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If the Faroe Islands didn't already have their work cut out for the match against France they do now. Les Bleus seem to have a Hindu goddess in their squad. Sulky Nicolas Anelka has been called all sorts of girls names over the year, but I reckon this week is probably the first time he has been called a goddess. We can't take credit for this lookalike (well we could, but it wouldn't be very nice of us) - it was spotted on mCalcio.

Club Pies post of the day: the Sisterhood strip off for chairty calendar with Sir Les of Ferdinand

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From Spurs Pies, our Tottenham-obsessed sister site... Nice to see Les Ferdinand is spending his days in retirement usefully and let's face it, he's got plenty in common with these ladies. They look great up front and have a couple of strikers to rival those who played alongside Sir Les during his career. The girls are part of The Sisterhood, the 19-strong all-female dragon boat crew who are friends with Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton.

Shit lookalike: Robbie Savage and Simon Jordan

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This one's been staring us in the face for a while...but we couldn't bring ourselves to look! One's a universally hated figure with surfer's hair and an over inflated opinion of himself while the other would probably sue us for saying something similar.

Five questions for Steve McLaren to answer ahead of England's Euro qualifiers

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As Fergie might say, it's squeaky bum time ahead of England's Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia and no one will have their arse cheeks clenched tighter than the manager, Steve McLaren. Two wins – at home against Estonia and then away against Russia – would virtually guarantee a place in next year's finals while anything less would take matters out of our hands (cue a list of complex possible permutations) or even cost McLaren his job.

Premier League team of the season (so far)

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With the international break in full effect, I thought now would be a good time to look back at the Prem season so far – we are almost a quarter of the way through, after all – and choose a team based on the players who have been at the top of their game. This is what I came up with... GK Jose Reina (Liverpool) Still only 25, the big Spaniard has graduated to become the Prem's most solid 'keeper.

'Women in football are a scourge' says Dynamo Kiev coach Josef Sabo. Does he have a point?

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‘We went to the (training) base, because women in football are a scourge. They do not understand that men need to work, that they have a hard job to do.' That's Dynamo Kiev coach Josef Sabo, when he was asked by a (female) reporter at a news conference about his decision to move the team to a new training location. Sabo had reportedly blamed his players' girlfriends and wives for the team's lacklustre performances this season and ordered the squad to a training camp away from any distractions.

Crazy Egyptian football fan

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If you thought that English football fans were the most animated in the world – check out this crazy mo fo...support like an Egyptian

Classic Moments: Brighton & Hove Albion fan Des Lynam gets a soaking

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In which Brighton & Hove Albion fan Des Lynam – good sport that he is – participates in a PR stunt to show how bad conditions at the Withdean Stadium could be, particularly for away fans in the uncovered section. Having been to the Withdean, I can confirm that you'd be better off sitting in a field during a storm that sitting in the away section.

WAG of the Week: Imogen Thomas from Big Brother

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Name Imogen Thomas Nationality Welsh WAG of... According to the respected newspaper that is the Star, Imogen is dating Reading's Ibrahim Sonko. A Z-list star with a B-list footballer. She says: 'Ibrahim's great and we've been having great fun for the two-and-a-half months we've been together but I am an independent woman and I make my own money.

The Snapshot: England train for the Euro 2008 qualifiers against Estonia and Russia

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Rio Ferdinand (obscured) and Micah Richards take out Peter Crouch during an England training session. Photo Phil Cole/Getty Images

Bored By The Big 4 t-shirt from Philosophy Football

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The football thinkers over at Philosophy Football have launched a 100 per cent cotton rebellion against the Premier League's big four with this t-shirt. The Bored By The Big 4 slogan is fairly self-explanatory but just in case you missed the point, the Philosophers spell it out for you: "Monopoly power is condemning the ideal of the people's game to an early twenty-first century grave.

Bernie Slaven chants for Middlesbrough (on his own)

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Here is former Middlesbrough hero Bernie Slaven showing his loyalties remain with the Teeside club as he quite embarrassingly chants Who's That Team They Call The Boro? on his own into a camera. Some would argue that this actually replicates the loneliness of starting a chant at the Riverside surrounded by a sea of empty seats and unable to see your nearest fellow fan.

FIFA World Player Award – do England have more world class players than Brazil?

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FIFA's World Player Award is the equivalent to football's Oscars and is the individual accolade that most stars want on their mantlepiece. FIFA has just announced its 30-man shortlist of players that will be sent to national team coaches and captains to select a final three with the winner announced on December 17. England have a healthy four nominees in the shortlist including Frank Lampard, Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard and John Terry.

If Premier League football clubs did a Radiohead and let you choose the price, how much would you pay to watch them?

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Today Radiohead released a new album, In Rainbows, that has no fixed price - you, the consumer, decide how much you want to pay for it. It's a remarkable ploy, and one that only a major-league band like Radiohead could get away with, but could it work for football? Currently one can expect to pay anything between £25-£50 for a standard seat in a Premier League ground, which can seem like you've been massively overcharged after 90 minutes of goalless tedium.

Horror Hair: Stephen Ireland

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Congratulations to Stephen Ireland's hairdresser who seems to have found a cure for baldness. Last season the Manchester City midfielder sported a hairline not to dissimilar to that of Monty Burns. And yet this season the occasional Republic of Ireland international has a fringe The Beatles would be proud of. Spooky you might think, but keep in mind that this is a guy used to dealing with grandmothers coming back from the dead.

Club Pies post of the day: 10 reasons why Frank Lampard is about to join Inter Milan

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As spotted today on sister site Chelsea Pies. Reason No.6 is our favourite... 1 Inter desperately need him Apparently Milan's second best team want to buy Non-fat Frank to replace Non-fat Patrick Vieira who seems to be heading Manchester City's way. 2 He still hasn't been offered a proper new contract by Chelsea Come on Kenyon.

VOTE: Who is the world's best player 'in the hole'?

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Our team of greatest players in the world is shaping up nicely – loads of you have voted to name Gianluigi Buffon as the goalkeeper, Juninho as the free-kick specialist, Jamie Carragher as the defensive lynchpin and Owen Hargreaves as the holding midfielder. Now it's time for the serious business by asking who is the world's best in that most creative of roles – playing just behind the main striker?

Luis Fabiano and Donga on how not to fight

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Obviously we don't condone getting our kicks from a bit of mindless violence but this so-called fight between Seville's Luis Fabiano and Zaragoza's Doga is not a lesson in the art of war. There's a promising start with a swift left hook that literally ‘knocks the bottle' out of Fabiano who retaliates with what can only be likened to doing the front crawl.

Shit Lookalikes: Victoria Beckham and Big Bird from Sesame Street

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Victoria Beckham was snapped recently wearing this puffy dress, which, as one Popbitch board user spotted, made her look uncannily like an orange version of Sesame Street's Big Bird.

Micah Richards wants to play for Arsenal...eventually

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This news is likely to provoke a few groans from anyone who isn't a Gooner since the well stacked defender came second in our recent poll of English players you would like your club to sign. Despite being born in Birmingham and growing up in Leeds, Richards has come out and said that Arsenal were his boyhood idols and his dream is to play for them one day.

Is Michael Owen direspecting Newcastle Utd?

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Little Michael Owen is prepared to defy club manager Sam Allardyce by passing himself fit, against the Newcastle medical team's advice, for England's Euro 2008 qualifier against Estonia this Saturday. Big Sam, understandably, is unhappy with Owen's country-above-club stance: 'I don't know whether two games in such a short space of time is right,' the Newcastle boss said in a pithy statement.

UEFA Cup Draw - Bolton get Bayern Munich

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The draw for the group stages of the UEFA Cup has just been made and English teams should feel confident of reaching the knock out phases. Bolton are the only side to draw one of the big guns by getting Bayern Munich, playing a rare season in Europe's secondary competition after poor performances in the Bundesliga last term. But Sammy Lee's team should have enough to get into the top two in a group that also includes Craga, Red Star Belgrade and Aris Salonika.

The Tuesday Teaser

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I know that many of you love the Fiendish Friday Quiz, so I've decided to beef up the quiz content on Pies by introducing a Tuesday Teaser, which will appear, as if by magic, every Tuesday. Simply look at the three sets of photo clues and name the footballer each refers to (click each image to enlarge): 1 2 3 Answers after the click... Answers 1 Vagner Love (that's a picture of the composer Wagner plus actress Jennifer Love Hewitt) 2 Marlon Harwood (comprised of Johnny Marr, Lon Chaney Jr, hair – obviously – and B-movie director Ed Wood) 3 Luca Toni (Luke Skywalker, Saddam saying 'aaaah' and Fat Tony from The Simpsons) Not a bad way to spend 5-10 minutes of your lunch break, I hope.

HolloWatch: Ollie tells Blackpool fan where to shove his stick of rock

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Plymouth manager and philosophical genius Ian Holloway told a Blackpool fan where he could put a stick of rock - in his ear. Ollie reacted when the Tangerines fan branded Argyle players thugs. Holloway said: "Some complete lunatic called us thugs on the way off the pitch but I told him to go and buy a stick of rock and put it in his ear." With most people you would assume that they had cleaned up what had actually been said, but with Ollie you never know.

Chinese goalkeeper scores a headed own goal

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Time for a little game of What Was The Chinese Goalkeeper Thinking? again. The initial keeping from Qingdao Zhongneng goalie Li Shuai is a little dodgy, but Paul Robinson gets away with palming the ball to opposition strikers most weeks so we can't be too harsh there. He then gets a bit of luck when the ball bounces off the crossbar, so why does he head the ball into his own net instead of catching it?

Teutonic Tuesday: Bayern Munich are still unstoppable

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We don't want Teutonic Tuesday to become Bayern Munich-watch, but it is impossible to ignore them when they keep putting three or four goals past every team they come up against and dominating the Bundesliga. Just ask Nuremburg - the latest victims served up for Bayern by the fixture list - who were on the receiving end of a Luca Toni brace and a Ze Roberto goal at the weekend.

Pilot sacked for letting Robbie Savage onto the flight deck during a charter flight

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A pilot who let scaredycat Robbie Savage on to the flight deck has been sacked for breaking anti-terrorism rules. Ex-RAF pilot Pablo Mason, who sports a tremendous handlebar moustache, was shown the door by Mytravel after letting Savage near the controls in an attempy to ease his fear of flying. Savage had been travelling with his team on a charter flight from Finland in August.

The Snapshot: supermodel Naomi Campbell and Flavio Briatore endure QPR vs Norwich City at Loftus Road

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A touch of A-list glamour came to Loftus Road last night, in the form of supermodel Naomi Campbell. She was accompanied by ex-boyfriend and Renault F1 boss Flavio Briatore, who has been sniffing around QPR of late. C-lister Tamara Beckwith – didn't she used to be some sort of useless IT girl? – was also in attendance, sat one row in front of Campbell and co.

Save of the season so far? Victor Valdes's double save for Barcelona vs Stuttgart

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The chaps on the Guardian's excellent Football Weekly podcast alerted me to this save by the oft-maligned Valdes, and since I hadn't seen it, I hunted it down on YouTube, especially for you. It's certainly a fine double save, although not quite in the same league as Jim Montgomery's famous effort for Sunderland in the 1973 FA Cup final.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Jose Mourinho, friends again

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Cristiano Ronaldo has offered an olive branch to Jose Mourinho after the pair became embroiled in a row at the end of last season, which ended with the ex-Chelsea boss claiming Ronaldo 'lacked class'. But, in a surprising U-turn, Ronaldo has shown he bears no ill feeling towards Jose: 'English football will miss Jose Mourinho. He is a great manager.

Footie babe of the week: Laura Esposto

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Watching Italian football just got sexier – this is the face of of Channel 5's new Serie A football show on Sundays. And you've got to admit it's a more tempting invitation than watching baldy James Robertson sipping his way through a cappuccino in the old Football Italia. Laura Esposto is (naturally) a former model who obviously got the job purely based on her beautiful love of the game after working on AC Milan's television station.

Top Five summer signings still warming the bench

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They arrived during a summer of spectacular spending and were immediately hailed as the answer to their clubs' various problems – but with a quarter of the season already played there are still some serious question marks hanging over this quintet. Between them they've clocked up over £40m in transfer fees but fans are still waiting for payback – while only Man Citeh's Bianchi (pictured) has scored a single goal in the Premier League.

Newcastle Jets striker Joel Griffiths hits the assistant referee in the balls

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This clip from the Australian A-League shows Newcastle Jets's Joel Griffiths somehow managing to hit the assistant referee in the balls without any complaint from the official! [Via 101GreatGoals]

Is Fulham's Chris Baird the worst player in the Premier League?

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It's sort of a rhetorical question, because to my mind he is definitely the worst player in the top flight. I've seen him in the flesh a couple of times this season and he's been truly shite, of a standard you'd expect of players in League One or worse. Quite why Lawrie Sanchez bought him, and for a silly £3m, is a mystery to me - well, not a total mystery given that Baird has played for Sanchez for Northern Ireland.

Club Pies post of the day – Shit Lookalike: Anderson and Fab Morvan of Milli Vanilli

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One's an 80s popstar who couldn't actually sing while the other is a footballer who's also been fluffing his lines until recently. Via Man United Pies

Chelsea want trained killer as fitness instructor

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Avram Grant's softly spoken approach to management could soon be given a hard edge with rumours that Chelsea are calling in the cavalry by attempting to appoint an Israeli anti-terror commander as their new fitness coach. In a classic good coach/bad coach set up, Grant could be joined by Dr. Avi Moyal – head of combat fitness for the Israeli Defence Force (IDF), martial arts specialist (right) and former bodyguard to Madonna and Michael Jackson.

Classic Moments: Little girl gets taken out by football

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Wow, I'm surprised her head stayed on her shoulders. She got OWNED, as they say Stateside. Noob. By the way, this isn't funny - I posted it as a warning to all dads and uncles who think it's safe to have a garden-based kickabout with kids in the area... Ok, it's a little bit funny.

La Liga Lunes: Real Madrid lead the way, but Barcelona keep up pressure

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Lionel Messi was instrumental as Barcelona demolished Atletico Madrid 3-0 at the weekend. The Argentine made one and scored one to keep the Catalan club within two points of table-topping Real Madrid. The league leaders also kept up their winning ways by beating Recreativo Huelva 2-0. At the other end of the scale, Levante have just one point to their name after seven games.

Shit lookalike: Bruce Forsyth and Jimmy Hill

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It's an old one but deserves revisiting after we first saw Brucie do a demented granddad dance on Strictly Come Dancing and then watched Jimmy attempt something similar on MOTD2 last night - think of an over aged David Brent. Here's a toast to both senile old duffers...chin, chin!

Player of the weekend: Elano Blumer, Manchester City

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Who predicted that the most successful transfer of the summer would involve Shakhtar Donetsk and Man City? Not me, for one. But this Sven chap clearly knows his stuff – signing playmaker Elano Blumer has been a masterstroke. The Brazilian put in yet another man-of-the-match performance, in City's 3-1 stroll against Middlesbrough yesterday.

Premier League weekend, 6-7 October: XI conclusions

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1 With Paul Robinson fumbling a shot to leave Andriy Voronin with an easy tap-in - and nearly giving another goal away later on - the Spurs keeper's England place must be in doubt. He is clearly not the in-form English goalkeeper, so he should not be England number 1. 2 Maybe Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez can play together when Manchester United are at their attacking best.

The Snapshot Special: Premier League weekend, 6-7 October

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Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham Craig Gardner won the match for Villa, but Dean Ashton is now a doubt for England after picking up a knee injury. Manchester United 4-0 Wigan Athletic The champions finally record the sort of victory we expected from them last season. Arsenal 3-2 Sunderland Arsenal's new found resilience helped them to victory after Sunderland had pegged back their two-goal lead.

Alfonso Alves scores seven goals in a match for Heerenveen vs Heracles. Now with video

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Brazilian striker Alfonso Alves, a reported target for Man Utd and several other Prem clubs, just added a nought or two to his value by scoring SEVEN goals for Heerenveen against SE Heracles this weekend – for the record, Heerenveen won the game 9-0: What's the proper name for a double hat-trick plus one? I don't know, but it's pretty damn rare for a player to score seven goals in one match, especially in one of Europe's main leagues.

Shit Lookalikes: Mikel Arteta and Scott 'Bugsy' Baio

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Yet another nomination from Pies reader Chringle. There's definitely an element of shitness to this one, but I see where he's coming from. Personally, I think Mikel Arteta looks more like a Mediterranean Michael Vaughan.

Horror Hair: Jo, CSKA Moscow

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Meet Jo (full name: Joao Alves de Assis Silva), a Brazilian striker who plays for CSKA Moscow, sporting the 'windswept crackhead' look during a league game against FC Vladivostok at the weekend. Tame that hair Jo!

THE VOTE Does Kevin Davies deserve a chance for England?

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Dean Ashton's latest injury setback means England could once again be lacking in bulky link-up/target-men. One man who fits into this category who has never been given his chance at international level is Bolton's Kevin Davies. Thierry Henry's hero is a consistent performer week-in, week-out in the Premier League. He scores goals, creates chances, is comfortable on the ball, gets in the face of oppostion players and has an excellent work-rate.

Defending champions Stonewall lose to Argentine side in final of Gay World Cup

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In a match that could be mirrored by the Rugby World Cup final, Argentina took on England in the final of the Gay World Cup at the end of last month. Unfortunately, the result was not what we wanted. Argentina's Los Dogos defeated English title-holders Stonewall FC 1-0 in Buenos Aires. With their victory, Los Dogos, who are named after an Argentine dog breed, automatically qualified for the 2008 tournament, which will be held in London.

Gennaro Gattuso get Dirty Sanchez-ed in Nike viral ad

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You've probably seen those Nike ads on telly featuring a collection of world football stars testing their shooting accuracy against those Welsh halfwits and self stylyed masochists, Dirty Sanchez. We've already shown you the hilarious full length version of the boys visit to Rooney Towers and Torsten Fring's villa but here's Italian hard man and part time kitten impersonator (according to Mr.

Classic Moments: David Beckham cooks pasta at Gary Neville's house

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'Where's your wooden spoons Gaz?' asks Dave. 'I haven't a fooking clue' is the gist of Gary's answer. Excellent stuff from football's oddest couple - this is taken from a documentary titled 'The Real David Beckham', which was shown on Sky about five years ago, if I remember rightly. Aw, what a lovely couple they make.

Dnipro 1-1 Aberdeen, Uefa Cup: but did Dnipro fans have a blatantly racist banner?

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Take a look at this picture of Dnipro supporters, snapped off the telly by an eagle-eyed fan. What the hell is going on with that banner? If that's not racist, I don't know what is! Or am I imagining the 'Klansman-chasing-black guy' theme of the banner? By the way, congrats to Aberdeen, who continued the good form of Scottish clubs in Europe by beating Dnipro - justice!

Agent Kenyon - what if Peter Kenyon was a Manchester United spy sent to infiltrate Chelsea?

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This slightly weird video from Football365 shows Agent Peter Kenyon revealing his masterplan to topple Chelski from the inside after being sent to infiltrate them by General Sir Alex Ferguson!

Ronaldinho cooks up a storm in FIFA 08 viral

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Have you been concerned that Ronaldinho has begun the great Brazilian tradition of piling on the pounds once you've got enough money to retire on? Don't worry, it is probably just because of his other job. This FIFA 08 viral sees Ronny working as a chef in Brazil before some mute, but confident, Brazilian gamers request to see his moves.

Fitness Friday: Do the hokey cokey with David Moyes

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Right Pies fans, you've spent all week in front of this computer and it is about time you worked off a bit of that excess. We were going to get Mr Motivator in to give you a workout but he was already booked. So we got the next best thing: David Moyes. All together now: you put your left leg in...

Shit lookalike: Martin Jol and The Thing

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His mission was to get Tottenham into the Fantastic Four this season and a hallowed Champions League spot, but it's going to take some Thing special now

French Football Friday: Have the day off, boys (unless you've got a vital European match in midweek)

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The French are often stereotyped as lazy workers, but this is totally unjustified. On to this week's Ligue 1 round-up. Erm... all the teams had the weekend off except two of France's Champions League representatives who took the opportunity to fulfil some fixtures. Lyon stuck three past Lens to go top of the table (albeit Nancy are level on points with a game in hand).

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Atlético Paranaense, Manchester United, Besiktas, Flamengo (current). Whose career? 2 At the 2002 World Cup, which coach gave each of his players a copy of Sun Tze's The Art of War? 3 Picture round. Who's the angry young manager? 4 During his playing career, in which position did Sven-Goran Eriksson play? 5 How many Scotsmen do Manchester United have in their senior squad?

Terry Butcher dresses like a hobo and drinks shitty filter coffee, according to Aussie pundit Les Murray

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In which outspoken Aussie sports pundit Les Murray steams into Terry Butcher, former coach of Sydney FC. Things didn't work out for Butcher Down Under and when he returned to the UK he had a pop at Sydney FC, calling them a 'gypsy club' and bemoaning the fact he couldn't get a simple cup of filter coffee: 'What did I miss? Coffee. Half-caff, flat whites and all that stuff are no problem but when I asked for a normal filter coffee with a side of milk in a decent sized cup, they looked at me like I was an alien.

If Sepp Blatter had his way, and European clubs had to include no more than five foreigners, which of the 'big five' Premier League clubs would have the best te

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Crazy Sepp Blatter wants a quota on foreign players in European teams; each club would only be allowed to have five foreign players in its starting XI. Blatter sees this as the solution to encouraging home-grown talent, but, honestly, we're too far down the line to go back to such a quota system, and anyway there's no way the collective lawyers for all of Europe's big clubs will let this happen.

The really, really...ridiculously good looking XI

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Since outing the Premier League's first XI of facially challenged players yesterday, we've had a few calls (mostly from the laydeez) to restore the status quo by naming a team of good-looking ones. So, with a little help from my girlfriend and without questioning my sexuality at all (apart from perhaps saying that Patrick Berger made an Alice band look good!

THE VOTE Sepp Blatter's quota madness: which English player would be top of your shopping list?

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Okay, I've just done a post about Sepp Blatter and his idea to introduce a quota system into European football, whereby clubs could field no more than five foreigners. In the Prem, this would obviously mean that managers – yes, Arsene, that includes you – would have to sign loads more English players to ensure that they could actually name a legitimate starting XI.

The Snapshot: Sir Bobby Charlton and Johann Cruyff play golf at the Alfred Dunhill Championship

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Watched by fellow football legend Johann Cruyff, Sir Bobby Charlton tees off at the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship. As well as Charlton and Cruyff, Ruud Gullit and Matt le Tissier are among the ex-pros who turned up to play in the tournament in Scotland. Photo Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

Viral ad: The office worker with amazing football skills

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Pies is loving this ad, which I guess comes from Sweden or some other Scando country where it's acceptable to show a guy photocopying his butt cheeks. This office worker has some awesome skills, although I kind of suspect that it's a fake!

FIFPro set to announce its World Best XI Player Awards – who'd get into your dream team?

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On Friday, FIFPro will announce the winners of its World Best XI Player Awards – a team of the world's best player taken from a 55-man shortlist drawn up by the worldwide player's organisation. The Premier League has the most nominees, although AC Milan unsurprisingly top the list of clubs with nine players shortlisted, followed by Man United (eight) and Barcelona, Chelsea and Real Madrid (seven).

Florent Malouda plays at William Tell in Nike ad

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We've shown you the Nike viral ad featuring Wayne Rooney taking out a targeted camera with a (supposedly) first time volley from about 20 yards...and now it's Chelsea's Florent Malouda turn for a bit of CGI enhanced skill. Here he's seen doing his best William Tell impression using a ball instead of an arrow

Will Andrew Johnson finally score tonight?

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It's been a season of discontent for Everton striker, Andrew Johnson, so far – he hasn't found the back of the net all term and missed twice from the spot when Everton played their first UEFA Cup match a couple of weeks ago. Everton travel to the Ukraine tonight for the second leg of their match against Metalist Kharkiv with a 1-1 aggregate score and defeat would mean a third first round European exit in as many years – not much reward for a season spent chasing sixth place.

Premier League 07 Ugly XI

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A bashed up Cristiano appeared at his book signing sporting a pair of big ass shades to cover facial injuries sustained against Roma on Tuesday night. "I don't like to look like this but in four or five days I will be beautiful once again," he said in a typically modest way. That may or may not be the case but there are a number of other players in the Premier League this season who could wait a lifetime spent at a plastic surgeons and still only be loved by their mothers.

Builders Ian Wright, Ally McCoist, Chris Kamara and Lee Dixon talk football in a greasy spoon

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This is not a strange dream I had last night, but an advert for bookmakers Ladbrokes (probably best to clear that up at the outsight). Right, so ex-footballers turned pundits Ian Wright, Ally McCoist, Chris Kamara and Lee Dixon are sat around in a cafe owned by Jimmy Hill having a bit of banter while dressed like they have come off a building site.

The Face Mask XI

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John Terry is not the first player to take to the pitch in a crazy face mask, and we dare say he won't be the last. Here are 11 players who didn't mind taking to the pitch with their blinkers on. Bruce Grobbelaar Old Spaghetti Legs himself wore this crazy zebra print mask to protect his cheekbone. Padded as it is compared to some of the masks, you suspect it wouldn't have helped much if a shot had hit him in the face.

Roberto Carlos the messenger boy

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Royal Mail workers have just begun a 48-hour strike so if you need something delivering in a hurry you need to get in touch with Roberto Carlos.

Kevin Keegan, aged 17 and a bit

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The Guardian's weekly YouTube round-up usually throws up a couple of interesting football clips (many of which Pies has posted ages ago, but that's another matter), and this is one of the most interesting I've seen recently. It's a refreshingly candid TV interview with a 17-year-old Kevin Keegan, who displays admirable maturity, honesty and, above all, modesty.

Shit Lookalike: Alisher Usmanov and John Terry

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There is just something about the droopy cheeks and the crazy eyewear that tickled me when I saw the two photos near each other on the Beeb's website. Arsenal fans, who would you rather have take control of the club?!!

Snapshot: Celtic beat AC Milan 2-1 - has Scotland become a football power?

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Anything you can do we can do better. Seeing Rangers pull off a remarkable victory over Lyon must have stirred the spirits of Celtic players who toppled an even greater giant by beating AC Milan 2-1 last night. It may have taken a last minute goal by Scott McDonald (could he sound any more Scottish?) but it was enough to despose the defending champions after Kaka had quickly equalised Stephen McManus' opener.

Shit lookalike: Francesco Totti and Ryan Stiles

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This one was suggested by Pies reader, simply known as Jon, after watching Roma's game against Manchester United. The Italian idol and the star of the US version of Who's Line is it Anyway? may both be owners of a prominent Roman nose but otherwise maybe you should lay off those hallucinogenic drugs Jon!

Champions League Wednesday: Valencia 1-2 Chelsea

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This was a pretty remarkable win for Avramovitch's Chelski at one of Europe's toughest places to get a result - if Jose Mourinho had been in charge, we'd all be celebrating his managerial genius. As much as I find much to dislike about John Terry, you can't argue with the purity of his fighting spirit, or the size of his balls: to play so soon after fracturing his cheekbone was remarkably brave – no matter what anyone says – and especially given that he plays in a position where stray elbows often fly.

Champions League Wednesday: Liverpool 0-1 Marseille. Yep, Rafa Benitez is rotating too much

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Stop it Rafa, stop it now. You're being a very silly boy. Do you have OCD when is comes to rotating your squad? Because you can't stop yourself, can you? Benitez's decision to leave out Euro specialist Javier Mascherano in favour of out-of-form Momo Sissoko and Seb Leto was very strange – Mascherano is the glue that holds Liverpool's midfield together in Europe, and it's not like he's played loads for Liverpool in the Premier League, so he should be fresh.

Gazzetta all di Pies: Bad week for Roma

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Roma have been one of Serie A's form teams and pacesetters in the early days of the season, but it has all gone a bit pear-shaped this week. Defeat to Manchester United in the Champions League on Tuesday and losing rising star Alberto Aquilani for two months in the same game. But what would have hurt every bit as much as Aquilani's torn thigh muscle was the 1-4 home defeat to Inter Milan at the weekend.

Hope Solo is single and a 'dork'

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US women's goalie Hope Solo needs a little love right now. After her rant at US Women's coach Greg Ryan, who had benched her in favour of Briana Scurry for the World Cup semi final against Brazil (which the US lost 3-0), she was cast out by Ryan and ostracised by team-mates. Solo played no part at all in the US's third-place playoff game against China.

Video of Hope Solo's rant at Greg Ryan

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Although I've read the transcript, this is the first time I've seen the video of Hope Solo's rant at coach Ryan. You can hear the emotion in her voice, the big girl's blouse: PS I know the Hope Solo story is old now, but it still intrigues me. Plus, she's kind of hot... and single.

Celtic fans runs onto pitch, Dida dives like he was shot by a sniper. What a play-acting prat!

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Ha ha! I'm still laughing at Dida's pathetic, delayed dive after being tapped on the neck by some buffoon of a Celtic fan (at least I presume he's a Celtic fan). Why do so many professional footballers have this Pavlovian reaction to being touched above the waist? Not the face! The fact he went off on a stretcher (the guy's 6ft 4in and built like a brick shithouse) is the biggest joke of all – Uefa should fine him for simulation, surely.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group A, Liverpool vs Marseille

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Liverpool vs Marseille, Weds 3rd October (ko 7,45pm BST) Liverpool got off to a stuttering start with a draw in their first game so will be looking for a win at home. With Rafa's rotation policy in a spin it's anyone's guess who will start the game but Europe often offers Peter Crouch a rare start up front, although Pennant is suspended and Daniel Agger is still out injured.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group B, Valencia vs Chelsea

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Valencia vs Chelsea, Weds Oct 3rd (ko 7.45pm BST) This game couldn't have come at a worse time for Chelsea who haven't won a proper game (Hull doesn't count) for a while and can't seem to score a goal for love nor Roman's money. John 'The Iron Man in the Mask' Terry will be back doing his best Phantom of the Opera impression and Chelsea's backline are likely to be the busiest.

VOTE: Who is the best holding midfielder in the world?

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It's time to continue our recent poll to find out who are the best players in the world in their respective positions. We had nearly 1,000 votes when we asked who was the greatest central defender – with Jamie Carragher joining Gianluigi Buffon as the best goalkeeper and Juninho as the free kick specialist in our all-star team. Now, it's time to turn our attention to a position that doesn't always get the praise it deserves – the holding midfield player.

Wayne Rooney scores his first goal of the season – but is the ‘big man really back in town?’

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Wayne Rooney may be taking all the plaudits for scoring his first goal of the season against Roma last night, but we couldn't help thinking it was just one moment of magic in a stuttered performance. It's nearly five years since we were told to "Remember the name" after he scored that goal for Everton against Arsenal, which was followed by a few memorable moments including his international introduction at Euro 2004 and his debut hat trick in the Champions League.

The Snapshot: John Terry in his face mask

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Well, there you have it. John Terry in training for Chelsea's crucial Champions League match against Valencia tonight complete with a face mask to protect his broken cheekbone. It's not quite as colourful as we had envisaged. Let the lookalike suggestions commence! Image Getty

Wayne Rooney and Sergio Ramos go golfing for FIFA 08

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Like the Miroslav Klose and Franck Ribery video we showed you yesterday, this is a viral promoting FIFA 08. Here is what happens when Manchester United's Wayne Rooney and Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos decide to go for a quiet game of golf.

Manchester United 1-0 Roma: XI conclusions

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1 A quality finish from Wayne Rooney. He put it the one place where the keeper couldn't reach it from a narrow angle. 2 But he didn't seem very happy about it. No smiles - just a few miserable high-fives and a vicious assault on the corner flag. 3 The lack of activity in the first-half was summed up when David Pleat commented: "That's four crosses in as many minutes now.

Champions League Tuesday: Lyon 0-3 Rangers. Um, how did that happen?

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Whatever happens tonight in the Champions League, this was the shock result of Matchday Two, no question. When Glasgow Rangers were drawn in the Group of Death, with Barcelona, Stuttgart (the champions of Germany) and Lyon (French champions), I thought they stood less than a 5% chance of making it into the next round. Now, with splendid wins against Stuttgart and Lyon in the bag, they suddenly look like a proper team.

Meet Falcao and learn his moves

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This is Falcao - the futsal star of Brazil. The 30-year-old is a hero in his home country and is reportedly the man Ronaldinho looks up to for inspiration. What he can't do with a football ain't worth doing. In fact, most of what he does with a football ain't worth doing, but it sure is entertaining to watch. Here he is in action. Still want more?

Football's Greatest Songs, No.1: 'Strachan' by The Hitchers

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The first in an occasional series celebrates arguably the most famous song by The Hitchers, a punkish rock group from Limerick, Ireland. If I remember rightly, this single, which was a double A side (backed with 'You Can Only Love Someone'), made John Peel's Festive 50 in 1997, and there's not much higher praise than that. The lyrics are essentially a paean to Gordon Strachan and the great Leeds United side he played in: The crowd were on their feet and they whistled and they cheered for the tiny wee Scotsman with the copper coloured hair Click below to watch The Hitchers play 'Strachan' live, and read the full lyrics.

Oranje Wednesday: Albert Luque in scoring goal shock!

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It has been approximately one unbelievebly disappointing spell at Newcastle since the words 'Albert Luque' and 'goal'. But just like buses, you wait ages for an Albert Luque goal and then two come along at once. He scored Ajax's opening two goals in their 6-1 victory over VVV Venlo. He is pictured Forrest Gump-ing towards his first goal for the club above.

Floyd 'Pretty Boy' Mayweather is a Man Utd fan

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Here's a clip of the greatest pound-for-pound boxer in the world, Floyd 'Pretty Boy' Mayweather, wearing a Man Utd shirt during his visit to the north-west to promote his mega fight with Ricky 'The Hitman' Hatton. Of course, Mayweather, who has to be the most annoying sportsman on the planet, is not really a United fan - he was just wearing their red shirt to wind up Hatton, who is a Man City nut.

Horror Hair: Philippe Mexes and his teeny-tiny pig-tails

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Roma's uncompromising central defender trapped in the body of a beach bum, Philippe Mexes, has Horror Hair at the best of times. The Frenchman's greasy, peroxide-tinted long locks have been featured on Pies before. But last night's match against Manchester United revealed a cheeky little addition to his barnet, which pushes him further up the Horror Hair stakes: pig-tails.

Shit Lookalikes: Sergio Ramos and a proboscis monkey

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Another belter from Chringle, who should really get his own Shit Lookalikes Corner. This has to be one of the best lookalikes we've ever published, no?

The Snapshot: Germany's World Cup-winning women return home in triumph

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Ariane Hingst, Birgit Prinz and Kerstin Stegemann celebrate on the balcony of Frankfurt's city hall after returning home from the women's World Cup in China, which they won. The team played the entire tournament without conceding a single goal, a remarkable feat. Great to see such a large crowd turn out to greet them, too. Photo Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images More on women's football at Kickster

Danny Dire's 'Real Football Factories': Wussia

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'Wussia went left-wing – and I'm not talking John Barnes...' Check out this fine send-up of professional West Ham fan/annoying wide boy Danny Dyer, actor and presenter of Sky's Real Football Factories. The man under the wig is slapheaded stand-up comic Terry Alderton.

Champions League preview and prediction: Group F, Man United vs Roma

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Man United vs Roma, Tues 2 Oct (ko 7.45pm BST) This one's all about revenge after United touched the footballing heavens with their flawless 7-1 drubbing against the Romans in last season's competition. But with United still cruising through early season in second gear with five 1-0 wins from their last seven games and Roma playing well in Serie A, we're not expecting the floodgates to open again.

WAG of the Week: Marta Cecchetto (Luca Toni's girlfriend)

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Having seen earlier today what Marta looks like wearing traditional Bavarian dress, it's time to see what she looks like wearing not very much at all. It's also clear that she deserves her own WAG of the Week slot: Name Marta Cecchetto Nationality Italian WAG of... Bayern Munich's Italian striker Luca Toni (pictured with Cecchetto, left).

Shit Lookalikes: A masked John Terry and Rodney from Only Fools and Horses

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John Terry will play for Chelsea in their Champions League match against Valencia tomorrow, despite suffering a depressed cheekbone fracture, courtesy of Clint Dempsey's elbow, on Saturday. The Sun imagine JT's mask will look like this, putting me in mind of that great episode of Only Fools and Horses, when Del and Rodney dress up as Batman and Robin.

Postmouth's David Nugent naked mobile pictures hit the internet

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David Nugent is the latest footballer to decide that sending nude pictures of himself by mobile phone is the way to stay out of trouble. Obviously jealous of the attention we gave to his former England under 21 strike partner Leroy Lita, the Portsmouth striker sent a picture of him posing naked in the bathroom to a 19-year-old shop assistant he had met on a night out.

The Snapshot: Spurs 4-4 Aston Villa

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Wow, what a pulsating game to mark Spurs' 125th anniversary! At 4-1 down, Martin Jol looked like a dead man walking, but Spurs roared back to snatch an unlikely draw – that no doubt felt to Spurs fans more like a win – with a Younes Kaboul goal in added time. This photo (Getty Images) shows Dimitar Berbatov celebrating his goal, Spurs' first of the night.

Classic Moments: Man Utd 7-1 AS Roma, 2006/07 Champions League

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One of the most stunning nights of European football at Old Trafford. One thing's for sure: there will be no repeat of this scoreline tonight, when the two teams meet in the CL again. More Man Yoo talk at Man United Pies

Should Paul Robinson still be England's No.1 – or is he playing more like No.2s?

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The only thing that Paul Robinson seemed to save last night were his blushes after Spurs miraculously came back from a 4-1 deficit. Not all of Villa's goals can be blamed solely on the England keeper as some of the keystone defending in front of him was comical, but there were times that he looked like David James wearing a pair of buttered gloves.

Shit Lookalike: Wayne Rooney and his evil FIFA 08 twin

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On the left we have the real Wayne Rooney (unless EA Sports hired a lookalike for their FIFA 08 photoshoot, which would complicate matters further) and on the right we have his computer-generated evil twin. FIFA 08 Rooney has a slight glint in his eye which suggests he might be about to kill his clean-shaven, slightly thinner, human other half!

Austria fans launch petition to be thrown out of Euro 2008

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Fans of Euro 2008 co-hosts Austria have launched a petition to have their national team thrown out of the competition on the grounds that they are going to humiliate the country. The Österreich zeigt Rückgrat (Austria show backbone) initiative calls for the team to be withdrawn for the benefit of football fans everywhere and national pride in Austria.

Teutonic Tuesday: Luca Toni keeps on scoring, Bayern keep on winning, Ribery and Klose love to dress up

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Luca Toni's transfer fee is starting to look like the best €11 million Bayern Munich have ever spent. The Italian's six goals just eight games into the Bundesliga season have sent Bayern top with a four-point cushion. He scored his latest goal in the 0-1 win against Bayer Leverkusen at the weekend. He is pictured above taking in Munich's famous Oktoberfest with Miroslav Klose and Franck Ribery.

Germany's women celebrate World Cup win against Brazil with a few beers

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German players Petra Wimbersky and Sandra Smisek celebrate their team's win in the Women's World Cup final against Brazil with a few well-earned beers at the Hua Ting team hotel in Shanghai, China. Damn, there's nothing sexier than a German woman who can hold her drink. Photo Christof Koepsel/Bongarts/Getty Images More on Germany's success at sister site Kickster

Al Jazira 2-1 Al Wasl: Philip Cocu's career in the UAE starts with a wonder goal

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Not a bad way to mark your first game for a new club. Dutch veteran Philip Cocu, now playing in the UAE for Al Jazira, scored with this fierce bicycle kick to help his new club to a 2-1 win over Al Wasl. I always thought Cocu was an underrated player, and it's nice to see him still doing the business, albeit in a David Beckham, I'm-too-good-for-this-league kind of way.

Heading the ball is bad for your health (and your eyebrows)

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Oof! Krzysztof Lagiewka's eyebrow just took one hell of a beating. Scientists often say that repeatedly heading the ball is bad for the brain, and this photo shows why. Lagiewka's eyebrow gets all bent out of shape as he heads the ball during the Russian Football League Championship match between FC Dynamo and FC Krylya Sovetov (Lagiewka plays for Sovetov, btw).

Would you buy a house from Carlton Palmer?

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Life after football can be tough for ex-players – it seems you either go into management, become a pundit or open up a pub. But having failed in at least two of these choices, Carlton Palmer has new ideas. The former Sheffield Wednesday and England player has started his own property service specialising in overseas luxury homes under the company name Home Away (do you see what he did there?

Shit lookalike: Martin O'Neil and Woody Allen

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Surely separated at birth? The two bear an uncanny resemblance and are renowned for a cerebral style of direction, which often involves intelligence mixed animated wit and humour – unless a Villa team has just lost a 4-1 lead perhaps.

The downside of playing for Bayern Munich? You have to attend Oktoberfest in traditional Bavarian costume

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Franck Ribery is smiling on the outside, but inside he is surely thinking, 'Why the hell did I sign for Bayern Munich?' Oh my sweet lord, I didn't think it was possible for Ribery, who is without any doubt the World's Ugliest Professional Footballer, to look any worse than he normally does, but put him in traditional Bavarian dress and he does – Christ, he looks really terrible, as if he should be a film extra, specifically in the part of one of the 'angry village mob' in some old Dracula B-movie.

Man Utd fans fight each other at the 2007 Community Shield

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A disagreement turns into a full-blown scuffle during this season's Community Shield between Man United and Chelsea. This is what happens when Man Yoo fans from Croydon and Manchester clash, I guess.

Horror Hair - Peter Walton (Referee)

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Whilst watching Match Of The Day at the weekend, I was shocked at how football is able to still surprise after all these years. I'm not talking about the match between Pompey and Reading that finished 34 - 12, but rather, the horrific thatch sat atop Peter Walton's cranium. Refereeing the Blackburn/Sunderland match, Walton's wild receder left me completely distracted from the action.

Garrincha - The greatest ever player to pull on the Brazil shirt

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I've spoken about Garrincha on these pages before, but there's always excuse to have another look at Brazil's greatest ever player (yes... he is the greatest). If there is one player I would've loved to see in his heyday, it's 'Little Wren'. Imagine him in the modern game! With all those lovely camera angles we have now, and less clogging of skillful players, Garrincha would have trounced all the young pretenders out there now.

John Toshack accuses Jose Mourinho of 'throwing in the towel'

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John Toshack is a man who knows a thing or two about being in at the deep end in the world of football. He's played in the Liverpool side that became one of the most successful teams in history, as well as leading Real Madrid to La Liga. He also knows a thing or two about playing games with the press saying directly translating stock footballing phrases into Spanish that only make sense in the original English.

La Liga Lunes: Barcelona top La Liga as Thierry Henry finds his feet

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Thierry Henry scored a hat-trick as Barcelona beat Levante 1-4 to go top of La Liga. Real Madrid are hot on their heels, just one point behind with a game in hand - after beating Getafe 0-1. Here are the goals from the Barca game, including Henry's hat-trick. I'm not sure what the commentator was smoking at half-time, but he swaps from speaking English to Spanish!

Premier League weekend, 29-30 September: XI conclusions

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1 Regardless of age and experience, David James is still capable of making terrible mistakes such as the rush of blood which saw him charging out of his penalty area like a bull to Dave Kitson's matador. 2 Fortunately for Portsmouth, Reading's Marcus Hahnemann is capable of a few blunders of his own as he demonstrated excellently during his side's 7-4 defeat at Fratton Park.

Mad French toilet roll advert for Trèfle

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Ah, the bog roll launched from the stand unravelling as it arcs its way towards the pitch - surely one of the finest sights in football. Players normally turn a blind-eye to such activities until said bog roll interferes with a goal-kick/hits them. But the players in this advert for French company Trèfle decide the Andrex puppy approach is best and abandon the game to play with the paper.

The Snapshot Special: Premier League weekend, 29-30 September

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Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United Crissy Ronaldo (© Pies) pounced early in the second-half to give United victory and keep up with Arsenal. Chelsea 0-0 Fulham The Blues were held to a draw by their West London rivals in Avram Grant's first Premier League game at Stamford Bridge. Didier Drogba was dismissed for a second bookable offence and John Terry missed the second half with a fractured cheekbone.

Shit Lookalike: Arjan de Zeeuw and Kosta Tszyu

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Here at Pies, we pride ourselves on our Shit Lookalikes. Sadly we can't take the credit for this one because it is down to the Coventry City squad. The players at the Ricoh Arena have apparently taken to calling new captain Arjan de Zeeuw 'Kosta' because they reckon he looks like Australian boxer Kosta Tszyu. Striker Leon Best told FourFourTwo magazine that the nickname came about because of de Zeeuw's "resemblance" to Tszyu.