From the same company that bought you Liverpool's new hallucination-inducing away and third strips, Warrior's brand new Gambler boot line includes, along with other nonsense features such as "outsider zones", "ace plates" and "loaded decks", state of the art "gloryhole"technology specifically designed for use in "sticky situations".
Headlines like this don't come along very often so savour it while you can: Paloma Faith had a concert interrupted earlier in the week by Sir John Madejski when thewindswept Reading owner waddled out onto the stage apparently wanting a cuddle from the little Cockney songbird.
Apparently even Diouf's fearsome new bodyguardcouldn'tsave him from an arse-whuppin'
It's been a slow last couple of days on the footballing front but it's worth all the clock-watching when a story like this comes along.
El-Hadji Diouf has been beaten up by a gang of kids after the Leeds forward was reportedly bundled into the toilets of the "Five" restaurant in Dakar and subsequently pulped for calling them all "poor".
As we've already seen with AC Milan's hideous new third shirt for 2013/14, Adidas are currently dilly-dallying with the concept of introducing totally redundant pockets to a few of their new shirts, but their design for Olympique Marseille's new third shirt is beyond the pale.
"Oh man...that sign's like...so big and GREEN man..."
ADO Den Haag spanked Feyenoord 2-0 in the Eredivisie last weekend but that wasn't nearly as heavy as things were getting in the terraces.
According to reports emanating out of Dutchland, 16 ADO fans had to be taken to hospital during the game after falling ill and passing out in the stands.
Neither Ukraine or Austria qualified for theEuropean U21 Championship that is rumbling on in Israel as we speak, so the pair got together for a friendly on Wednesday evening.
The game finished 1-0 to Austria, who won theLobanowsky Memorial Cup (?) as a result, but only after Ukraine had been reduced to ten men with just 35 minutes on the clock whenOlesandr Noyok picked up two yellow cards in the space of four seconds.
In which, during the recent Serie D match betweenIschia and Delta Porto Tolle, Ischia's 'keeper attempts to lump one up-field to alleviate the pressure only to see his own punted clearance loop backwards, bounce awkwardly and finish up in the back of his own net.
Sverige beat Macedonia 1-0 in a friendly on Monday evening, though it really should have been a bigger winning margin as Ola Toivonen squandered a glorious chance to add a second in the final few minutes when the Blonde Bomber rounded the 'keeper and shanked a dreadful shot wide andover with Zlatan screaming for it in the middle.
Here we see Republic of Ireland threesome Sean St Ledger, Stephen Kelly and Conor "The Fish" Sammon appearing in front of the toughest press conference ever assembled: a room full of 7-10 year-old schoolkids armed with the kind of questions that only 7-10 year-old schoolkids can get away with asking.
The Fresh Prince was in town over the weekend with his son/daughter Jaden to leech onto the Champions League Final festivities in London in order to promote some god-awful new film they're both in, which saw the unsettlingly perma-postive Scientology gimp jemmied into taking a penalty against Edwin van der Sar at theUEFA Festival at Stratford.
Whereas Bayern Munich have gone down the high-brow symphonic route for their Champions League Final anthem, a German comedian by the name of Matze Knop has provided BVB with a rather more raucous audioaccompaniment with a belting song called "Kloppo You Rockstar" in tribute to Dortmund's loveable coach.
"In a bizarre and dangerous move, UEFA decided to hold a UEFA Champions League Final without any English clubs competing. How on earth will we know who we want to win without an English club in the final?"
Fear not, for the 2013 Champions League Final need not be a confusing bowl of mystery soup.
From an insurance standpoint, he's probably the last Chelsea player we'd trust behind the wheel of a buggy while zipping merrily around and among their expensively-assembled squad at Cobham, but the Brazilian jester somehow got his hands on one yesterday.
He even offered Yossi and Fernando a ride out to the pitch, though the nervous smiles on both their faces suggested the pair instantly regretted accepting a lift from a known loon.
We're a little late to the hoedown with this one so please forgive our mortal souls for the grievous tardiness, but when Emmanuel "Big Spoon" Eboue was approached for a quick Q&A after Galatasaray sewed up the Turkish title at the weekend, the GSTV(Gala's in-house television station)reporter got a little more than he bargained for.
In a quest to "unite histhree greatest passions: beer, music and Barca," this plucky chap has set about recording Barcelona's club anthem, "ElCant del Barca", using nothing but a range of half-emptied Estrella bottles.
The result, via a dash of computer jiggery pokery (though we are assured that all sounds are 100% genuine), is really rather impressive.
In which, over in the Thai Premier League, Muangthong United's Macedonian midfielderMario Gjurovski celebrates scoring a rather nifty free-kick against TOT Sport Club (who have a mighty fine badge, we might add!) by whipping his shorts down and off, putting them over his head and gunning down the crowd with a fake machine gun.
While they'll no doubt be question marks over the defence's offside trap, Ross Turnbull's wee sprong scored a slaloming, solo stunner at Stamford Bridge as his old man celebrated Chelsea's sort-of successful season on the grass at Stamford Bridge; charging half the length of the pitch and steering the ball across the line from close range.
What a cheeky young scamp 11-year-oldLouis Kearns is. The Liverpool fan had watched the Europa League final with his old man before decided to get closer to two of his heroes, Fernando Torres and Rafa Benitez. And in doing so, he ended up slap bang in the middle of the Blues' celebrations, even finding himself face to face before a bemused Michel Platini at the medal-giving ceremony.
Wilfried Zaha stuck a couple of late ones past Brighton at the AMEX last night to spirit Crystal Palace into the Championship play-off final against Watford at Wembley a couple of Mondays from now though it was in the dressing rooms afterwards that things got really exciting.
In which RKC Waalwijk midfielder Jeff Stan goes in for a penny, in for a pound and completely wipes out the referee with a perfectly executed double-footed thunder lunge during RKC's Eredivisie game against NEC Nijmegen on Sunday afternoon...
With the La Liga title sewn up in Barca's favour and the Copa Del Rey final just around the corner, Real Madrid rested most of their big names for this weekend's game against Espanyol including Fabio Coentrao, though it appears no-one actually told him!
Coentrao turned up and took a place on the bench as the teams emerged before kick-off before Iker Casillas had a word in his ear and broke the news to him.
In which Manuel Neuer makes it rain quite literally on some pour girl, tipping a bloody huge beersteinall over her while Bayern Munich celebrated their run-away Bundesliga title victory after a 3-0 win over Augsburg at the Allianz Arena yesterday...
This isn't the first time we've featured this video on Pies, but we reckon that it just might be the showreel that landed Michael Owen the gig as lead co-commentator for BT Sports next season?
Watch and listen as Little Micky takes us on a helicopter tour of Dubai, complete with breathtakingly enthralling commentary.
Despite being about as incongruous as it's possible to be, Chelsea double-agent super spy David Luiz somehow managed to infiltrate the top secret tactical meeting between Spurs operatives AVB and Lewis Holtby on the touchline at Stamford Bridge last night, before being spotted making his getaway and getting his tresses tugged for his troubles.
At 74-years-old he's earned the right, but former Manchester United midfielder Paddy Crerand is prone to getting a bit tetchy especially when it comes to people chatting bull-honky about his beloved team.
In need of a go-to guy for a good old-fashioned rant about the rumours that circulated last night vis-a-vis Sir Alex Ferguson's imminent retirement, Irishradio station Newtalk phoned Paddy up at sparrow fart on Wednesday morning to canvass his opinions on the matter.
FC Copenhagen wrapped up their tenth Danish Superliga title at the weekend with a goalless draw against Brondby, which right-back Lars Jacobsen (briefly of Everton) celebrated by catching sight of TV reporter and ex-Copenhagen strikerPeter Moller interviewingNicolai Jorgensen on the touchline, breaking from the huddle and flooring his former teammate with a hurtling sliding tackle.
Spotted somewhere in Malaysia, here's a particularly apt ad campaign for 'Mister Potato' crisps featuring the most root vegetable-esque player on Manchester United's books (at least since Gabriel "Parsnip" Obertan upped and left), Wayne Rooney the man that looks uncannily like his own knee.
Having spent the entire season berating Robin van Persie on Twitter for fairly sensibly as it turned out leaving Arsenal to join Manchester United in pursuit of silverware last summer, wobble-chinned, spittle-flecked, so-pleased-with-himself-it-actual-manifests-as-physical-pain-in-others celebrity Gooner, Piers Morgan (otherwise and henceforth referred to as "Arsenal's shame") got his comeuppance yesterday evening when he received a little gift from the United press office courtesy of a certain Dutch striker.
L'Equipe ran a little multiple-choice quiz on their website yesterday, with question 3 asking what Monaco coach Claudio Ranieri's nickname was during his tenure at Chelsea...
We think it's "A", but we're sure we can remember "C" being chanted vociferously at The Bridge too.
In today's installment of "Chelsea sprogs being diabetes-inducingly cute" which is rapidly becoming a series in its own right on Pies here's L'il Leo Torres (the fruit of Papa Fernando's loins) seeing his commanding surge into the area shut down by wee Damian Cech, who gets down and makes the kind of save his old man has built a career on.
Obviously not engrossed by the action as bottom-of-the-group England flibbled out of the European U21 Championships against the vastly superior Norway last night, the result was such a foregone conclusion that this Norwegian fan took to passing the time by catching up on her knitting.
Cracking stuff here from Sunday League side Duckpond FC who celebrated winning theColchester Sunday League Division Two title (just a season after winning Division Three) by clubbing together and spending £300 on an hour-long open-top bus parade around their home town of Harwich, Essex on Saturday afternoon.
Yes, this is rather infantile but it raised a guffaw here at Pies.
During last night's all-German Champions League final, an electronic pitchside advertisement was inadvertently 'compromised' by a linesman, creating a very politically incorrect "Go Fuhrer" moment.
Your high point, low point and funniest moment of the season. by NS
Well, it's all over.
Overall, a frustrating season for Arsenal. That was a season of Deja vu for many. A promising start, strange team selections at the mid point, Rosicky returning late on, injuries to Diaby, captain sold and a monumental end to the season to catch and overtake Spurs to secure the 4th place trophy.
What do you do if you're the head of a gigantic marine engineering company and a seafoodconglomerateand the Mexican first division football club you own happen to find themselves relegated into the obscurity of the second tier? Exactly, you pool your resources, buy a shiny new club 1,000 kilometres down the road and submit your application to move the damn thing across the country to replace your old, broken toy.
Yep. Some dozy pillock at the Pala K go-karting complex on the outskirts of Milan decided it'd be a good idea to let Mario Balotelli rag his brand-new, £200,000, gleaming white Ferrari 450 (apparently bought to ease the pain of splitting up with girlfriend Fanny Neguesha)around their tiny, twisty track.
